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ayoitslilith · 1 year

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What was my 2022 like?

This year, it felt like I couldn't stop thinking about my own problems. It feels incredibly self-absorbed to feel like that but I prefer it over ignoring my own mental and physical health while i wither away in every aspect of myself like I used to. How do I fit into the world? Will I make it? Do people like me? Things I used to never worry about, feel the slightest concern for - yet here I am now, having made the tiniest little bit of progress in my life - and immediately centering so much more around myself.

In a way, I feel like I am stuck between different realities, different perceptions of myself - both perceptions inflicted upon me by myself and myself alone and the shared views of others who define who I am in life. People see me as a clown, a strategist, a confidant, a leader, a

and it refuses to change. to grow. to adapt. it always hurts and sometimes i feel like i'm afraid to show my hand to reveal what's going on to reestablish who i am and achieve that dreamt-up idea of who i could be but

But I am never who I want to be - to myself or the people around me.

The parts of my brain refuse to work together. Because of the reasons that I could only fully explain to not just the people around me but myself by seeking a diagnosis for mental illness I may or may not have,

i hurt

And it hurts so much sometimes. I feel like this has cost me multiple friendships over the years, a particularly close one this year. If I had to guess, you're reading this now. I saw the preview on that Discord message. I read that first sentence. You reached out. I waited to respond. I regretted that. I don't know if things would have been better or worse had we started talking again but

I won't do what I need to and refuses to take responsibility and so do i and i wish i pushed harder to do something but i didn't because i was enjoying myself though I keep censoring myself so

I regret not just checking the message and responding immediately, or being more attentive in the friendship and somehow creating an image of myself where you could even believe for a moment that I had moved on. I still cry about you sometimes. I wish I said more and I wish I said less. I hope you're doing okay.

I spent most of today in my room. I think I spent most of my year in one of my rooms. I have a few friends, but I feel like we don't meet as much as I'd like. I felt really alone this New Year's Eve. No one I know really lives near me. All of the people I know online have been absent from our voice channels. I don't blame anyone for not joining - most are spending some quality time with their families, I'm bunkered away in my room because I'm not feeling well and the usual remedy for that is my friends.

I had a romantic relationship that almost lasted the whole year. I'm in another romantic relationship that started later the same month the last one ended. I feel as though we're kindling a flame from a spark I had once closed my eyes to, as I've known the individual for some time before we became romantic together. We don't call each other partners, but instead, romantically involved friends. I wasn't sure how I felt about that at the beginning, but it's really grown on me.

i fell for them in a way that i thought i would never let myself again and i love them and they are giving me everything i was missing in the last relationship and while i realize that it probably won't last as many young romances don't i still love them dearly and am hoping dearly and crying because i love them and she's awesome and cool

I made a lot of friends this year. Very few that I speak to on a consistent basis, one that I met through a very unexpected avenue, but friends nonetheless. I'm glad to met all of these people but I worry that I deceive them in some ways. They and my old friends reassure that they are glad to have me and it eases my worries for a moment, but it all still bubbles up - the worry and dread, crying because I'm worried I'll push them away like I've pushed away so many others, or worse - that I'll hurt them and they'll still be here for me.

I don't think I can get to everything, but I want to stop here for now. Other words will have their place and time. Happy New Years to all you I have met and all you I have not yet met and all you I may never meet - I love all of you so much.

#2023 #happy new year #new year #new years eve #just rambling #because i needed to

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stimmingandstruggling · 10 days

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more good news from tiktok: they’ve started blocking celebrities.

they’re calling it block party 2024. just blocking and ignoring countless celebrities who havent said shit about palestine. influencers, actors, anyone who went to the met gala, whatever, they’re getting blocked. and people keep talking about how cathartic it is, how good it feels, how they never realized they could DO that. there was some kind of subconscious law against blocking famous people, but it’s broken, and people are LOVING it. and it’s WORKING. a social media/digital advertising coordinator was talking about how ad companies are PANICKING, because they can’t accurately target anymore. so many big influencers, including fucking LIZZO started talking about palestine the MOMENT their follower counts started going down. and the best part? no one is forgiving them. lizzo posted a tiktok asking people to donate to palestinian families, and all the comments just said you’re a multimillionaire. put your money where your mouth is. blocked.

i feel like i’m witnessing the downfall of celebrity culture, right here right now. people are waking up.

#i’ve always blocked celebrities #but there’s something so beautiful about seeing someone discover that #so many people talking about how they joined the trend and then discovered hey. this feels good #i don’t need to pay attention to them! i’m going to block more! and i’m not unblocking them!!!#and it all started because someone at the met gala said let them eat cake #tiktok #block party #block party 2024

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suiheisen · 25 days

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MONKEY MAN (2024)

#augh it was so good i couldn't stop thinking about it #and also i need to rewatch it because i kept getting distracted by dev patel's big beautiful eyes.....#does he have a licence for those #the mythology the politics the sectarian strife the hijra community and outsiders... he wove so many things together so beautifully #and also. he gave us an adorable dog. which is necessary to me.#and also he took his shirt off multiple times.#monkey man #dev patel #vipin sharma #spoilers #long post #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia

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lgbtlunaverse · 24 days

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The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

#it's bad if you want i have sex it's also bad if you DON'T want to have sex #god forbid if you're a woman in a heterosexual marriage and aren't in the mood #that's 'withholding sex' and you're clearly abusive scum who should be divorced and left without any of your shared assets.#but if you DO have sex now you're a degenerate freak plotting for the downfall of western society #i don't know what to say i'm just so tired #politics #culture #queerphobia #lgbtqia #misogyny #<it's not the exclusive source but let's be honest sooo much of this is integral to the patriarchy #patriarchy needs access to an underclass they can treat like sex objects but they also don't want them to have any human rights #so sexuality is both obligatory and stigmatized #purity culture #i'm really struggling with tagging this because most of the appropiate tags would- in a beautiful twist of irony- get me booted off tumblr

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tofixtheshadows · 22 days

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I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

#Dungeon Meshi #Delicious in Dungeon #Kabru #Kabru of Utaya #Laios Touden #Dungeon Meshi meta #you can have him in the tags too. as a treat.#Dungeon Meshi spoilers #this was directly inspired by livelaughlaios's post about Kabru self harming but I decided it got too long to make it a direct reply #this is a theory I've been working on for weeks because I kept noticing this while skimming for screencaps #I'm hesitant to trigger tag this because of the way certain subcultures on tumblr operate #but if anyone needs me to add a content warning please let me know #also I included image descriptions! I did my best #I think they even help illustrate my points but my god were they sad to write. Kabru is so fucking sad you guys #musings with Dea

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captainjonnitkessler · 4 months

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You know I used to think "tumblr's absolute refusal to actually engage with the Trolley Problem in favor of insisting that there must be a third, morally pure option that doesn't require them to make a hard decision and anyone who asks them to make a binary choice is just a short-sighted idiot is really fucking annoying, but I guess it's not actually doing any harm".

Anyway that was before we asked tumblr at large to decide between "guy aiding a genocide but making progress elsewhere" and "guy who would actively and enthusiastically participate in a genocide and would also make everything else much, much worse for everyone elsewhere" and the response was that there must be a third, morally pure option that doesn't require them to make a hard decision and that anyone who asks them to make a binary choice is a short-sighted idiot.

#there is not a third option. it is either trump OR biden #and one of those will be much MUCH worse for palestine #i'm really really sorry that these are the options. i wish they weren't.#but WHAT third option are you trying to take here? what on earth is your proposed outcome #that will actually make things better for palestine?#because letting trump win the election is NOT going to help them #i'm sorry but you need to set aside your feelings and take the option that will lead to less harm to palestine in the long run #you talk such a big game about how people need to be willing to make sacrifices to help palestine #but you yourself aren't even willing to hold your nose and vote to stop things from getting worse?#or did you think 'sacrifice' only meant not getting mcdonalds for a few months?#us politics

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lovelenivy · 6 months

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mouse bites™

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embraceyourdestiny · 7 months

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to any americans who feel "paralyzed" and "dont know what to do" to help with gaza:

reading a fucking book. i beg of you.

in a time of knowledge suppression is it your duty to arm yourself with knowledge.

read about americas occupations in the middle east.

read about 9/11 from outside of america and see how they inflicted senseless harm and violence to countless amounts of people and have been suppressing your rights for the past 2 fucking decades.

read about any of the countless wars from the past 30 years. especially from a civilian's. and the victims and survivors' perspective. listen to the horror stories and do not plug your fucking ears as to what your country is doing.

and read about fucking gaza and palestine and keep up with what is happening no matter how "sad" or "uncountable" you might get.

dont look away from this.

you dont have the right to be comfortable during countless active genocides.

if you're knowledgeable, you're powerful, and our current state doesnt fucking want that.

you have the power to change things if you open your eyes and scream to the world.

wake the fuck up.

Edit: please check the reblogs there are readings and ways to help

#og #truly if youre not about it your against it and i dont fuck with you because you're complacent #wake the fuck up #we're all responsible and dont you dare say you're not #americans need to stop living in the world with their eyes closed and their ears covered #look at what your fucking 'glorious country' is doing to people #everyone should be against america no fucking exceptions because america is violent and evil and needs to be stopped #then read about what america has done to the natives of their land #radicalize yourself #decolonize your mind #free palestine #land back #palestine will be free #theres too many fucking movements of just the past couple years all happening at once to act like the world is fucking fine #we are in a human rights CRISIS #WAKE THE FUCK UP PLEASE

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artkaninchenbau · 2 months

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A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

#Sir Crocodile #Monkey D Dragon #Emporio Ivankov #Dragodile #Crocodad #My art #One Piece #We're not gonna talk about the work I should be doing rn I have Severe Procrastinitis and I'm doing my best okay #Alternative version where it was both Crocodile and Garp beating Dragon's ass before Iva-chan joined in but that was too much effort lmao #I'm a believer in Dragon being a Wind Logia so don't worry guys he is 100% taking this beating intentionally #He knows what he did and he's dealing with the concequences of his actions. With grace.#You know I realize Iva-chan should be two whole meters taller than Crocodile but we're just gonna ignore that #Look Iva-chan taking Crocodile's side and being like ''Crocoboy is right you fucked up bad Dragon'' brings me joy #And for real I've been wanting to draw this for months. But never did because I had other shit to do. Which I still do #But. You know. Sometimes you need to draw a shitpost. It's ✨ self-care ✨#And appearently One Piece shitpost comics have become the thing I draw for myself on occassion

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nashvillethotchicken · 18 days

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If we really think about it, this all started with megan dropping Hiss. Hiss was never a Nicki diss, it was a drake/those who've been capping for Mr. Peterson diss first and foremost. Nicki made it about her The only line that could have gone to nicki was the Megan's line bar and she showed her whole ass on that one, but every other bar applied to drake , who'd been dissing megan for years and going up for Tory once he found out he shot her.

Like all of these are about Drake, especially the bbl and cosplay gangster stuff. She was the first person to wack drake for his botched body and his allegiance to the corny culture vulture community. You notice how every other diss to drake has been mentioning what megan said in hiss? She really threw the first diss at drakewall like please give her her flowers

#Drake #megan thee stallion #megan they could never make me hate you #that lawsuit aint even real all of thats getting dismissed on a 12b6 motion because he didnt actulaly state any actionable claims #and it was from a barb like shes gon be fine #im off topic #kendrick lamar #drake diss #i need more people to wack drake

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kumzorg · 20 days

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ooooh how i adore 3d models on 2d pictures im transporting myself there mentally

#animation #lemon demon #my art #this character delevoped backstory as i was animating because i cant just make something silly i need to make it have a narative (<-- dumb

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nutsack90 · 1 month

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goddamnb!!

chill out man!!!

#zuko #zuko atla #atla #avatar the last airbender #the blue spirit #i cant tell if i loved or hated the process of this drawing #pike art #also i loveddd all the blue spirit stuff literally so awsome #need to draw blue spirit stuff more often #edited because i realized it was slightly off center and that made me so upset to look at

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cozylittleartblog · 1 year

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not that we didn't already Know belos was full of shit, but it's even funnier knowing the titan was still alive the whole time and probably judging him

#toh #the owl house #emperor belos #papa titan #the titan #art #doodles #comic #fanart #watching and dreaming #captioned #brief visit to ye olde days of memeing on belos... those still get spread around #i hope the titan saw him get his shit stomped in before they passed on #like yes luz was right there but did the titan actually get to see it. i hope so #shoulda been broadcast on penstagram too #there's a piece of fanart i wanted to draw after. i think o titan where art thou. but i never got around to it #because it had animation in it. and im regretting it now #maybe i will finally do it. and something else too #the whole titan reveal brings with it a lot of tropes and ideas that absolutely destroy me personally #and i need to Draw about it #edit - thank you anistarrose for the caption!#''he wasn't Really alive'' you're right they were a secret third thing. the heart still beats. they were still Somewhere #but it's easier to just say Alive. it's not Technically wrong #i try to keep my captions short ok

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girlfictions · 7 months

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something i’ve been thinking about lately is like. growing up muslim right after 9/11 is something i’d never really reflected on much because it was all i’d ever known — at 5, my friend’s mum didn’t let her invite me to her birthday party because i was the only brown girl in our class, at 12, my classmates would joke about my family being part of isis, at 16, my dad was interrogated by american airport security for hours — and it always stung and it always hurt but it was just the way things were because the western world hated muslims. but i don’t think i’ve ever fully comprehended the extent to which we were hated until now.

palestine is being turned into a mass graveyard. every single day there are new photos of the atrocities being carried out against them and videos of them pleading for help and still those who can actually intervene turn a blind eye. israel is claiming to only be targeting hamas “terrorists” while bombing a refugee camp. israeli police raided and assaulted a non-zionist jewish neighbourhood. israeli soldiers are posting tiktoks of them torturing captured palestinians. this is not a complicated issue and it never has been. ethnic cleansing is being committed right in front of us. and yet the western world leaders refuse to call for a ceasefire.

and while zionist organisations accuse pro-palestine demonstrations of anti-semitism, while zionist celebrities insist that they’re afraid to leave their mansions in los angeles, a six year old muslim boy was stabbed to death and his mother wounded in the same attack in chicago. a muslim doctor was murdered while sitting outside her apartment complex in texas. hundreds of peaceful protesters have been arrested (many of whom have been jewish). despite what zionists want you to believe, this is not a jewish/muslim conflict. i have so much love and gratitude to my brave jewish brothers and sisters all over the world who are condemning israel for their actions.

ultimately, israel have been granted impunity by the west. they have slaughtered thousands upon thousands of innocent palestinians. they have bombed hospitals and schools indiscriminately. they have used white phosphorus, violating the geneva convention. they have completely eradicated nearly 900 bloodlines. how many more need to be wiped out? how many more children need to be buried underneath the rubble? how many more doctors need to be confronted with the bodies of their own family members? how many more journalists need to detail the horrific acts of violence they are witnessing? what more can be done to the palestinian people that has not been done already?

i truly believe that palestine will be free one day. i believe the palestinian people will receive the justice they finally deserve. but what breaks my heart is how much they have suffered and will continue to suffer before they are deemed worthy of help. and it would be to all of our detriment if we ignored how much of a factor palestine being a predominantly muslim state has played into the way the world has reacted to their genocide.

#edit: this is completely okay (and encouraged frankly) to reblog <3 #i just needed to get this off my chest because i don’t know how much more i can take #palestine #free palestine

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tariah23 · 3 months

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The manga industry, especially JUMP, needs to hurry up and do away with weekly scheduling for mangaka. There needs to better regulations put into place for their health and safety because this is pitiful. Two weeks - monthly updates should’ve already been the standard for the manga industry at this point. These money grabbers will only continue to put the lives of these artists at stake for the sake of capitalism unless some serious changes are implemented.

#it’s just???#at the end of the day all these people want to do is draw and write their stories and share them with the world #why is death from stress the end game for so many of them #this should not be part of the package when finally deciding that this is what you want to do with your life #rambling #I still never got over miura’s passing man #and Togashi is still here but he’s been suffering from the consequences of overwork #it’s just… all so bleak #fans just need to learn to be patient if these changes are ever made and to be respectful #your fav series is not gonna die just because you can’t get it right now #I’m glad that gege does this now like he takes a break every 2-3 chapters and that’s good #this should be normalized

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crimeronan · 3 months

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bonus. tell me why

#you may have noticed ive posted a million polls in tbe past twelve hours #it's because The Reckoning (autoimmune flare) is upon me and i desperately need distractions.#let's discuss. i like quotation marks and ampersands.#polls

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