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buckyarchives · 1 year

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Domestic Life Of a Living With a Runaway Assassin. [Intro.]

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x soulmate!reader

Summary: you hate many things in life. you hate soulmates. you hate the avengers. you hate guns. you hate loud snorers and complicated relationships.

Bucky Barnes is associated with all of those things, yet you can't find yourself hating him

W.c: 2.1K

Series playlist linked here

Author note: this was actually one of my first long form fics I wrote in many years, its carrys a nostalgic feeling and means a lot to me. i wrote it like last October and thought abt kinda rewriting some stuff and posting it here! I thought some of you guys woudk enjoy this story. this is only a short darbble that teases the story, next chapter shows how they met and everything after that. It takes place right after CA:TWS and it’s a soulmate AU!

Masterlist

Soulmates.

The legend goes that when the universe was created and whatever higher power you believed in created humans to have two sets of legs, two sets of arms, and two heads. Now because the world is cruel and no one can have nice things, whoever is in charge up there split us up into two beings but forever being connected by our souls. Spending the rest of our life waiting and searching for our other halves. Never being our true whole selves without them. How poetically tragic.

It turned into a weird way to make money nowadays, you felt like no one really cared about the reality of soulmates now. It was made into shitty romance movies, or stupid scientific searches for your one and only soulmate that was definitely an internet scam. People literally faking soul marks towards celebrities for their one chance with them that their delusional minds make up.

All just a desperate attempt to feel whole and loved but your one and true person. Always and forever destined to be.

What a touching story. Too bad you think it's all bullshit

No genuinely, you were supposed to believe your life's purpose was to find this one person in the entire universe that matched you, and without them, you what? you were going to be miserable for the rest of your life? The universe is a scam. You had given up on the whole mad search for your other half years ago, you didn't understand why you couldn't go out and find your own partner without having to match up those stupid words on your shoulder.

“I'm sorry, you probably don't feel very safe with me.”

Those stupid words. You hated the idea of soulmates but you couldn't stop yourself from the hours of wondering just what the hell that was supposed to mean. You had no interest in seeking out your soulmate but you could wonder what type of person they may be. Were they really a dangerous person? Would you genuinely not feel safe with the said person when you first meet? Would you even meet them?

Questions had swirled through your head since the day you got it. Those questions had died down a little, you were getting older and most of your peers had already met their soulmates. You noticed soulmates were not just romantic, they came in friendships, some didn't work out, some came between children and parents, and some came through your fire escape at night, covered in blood and knocking down your favorite plants.

With a loud crash, your feet carried you through your new york apartment to your living room. You saw the outline of him crouched down on the floor. “I'm so sorry, I know that was your favorite plant.”

Okay, spoiler. You had found your soulmate. You weren't excited about it as the rest of the world expected, but it happened. You weren't some hypocrite that would suddenly abandoned all beliefs and fell head over heels for your soulmate once you met like one of those stupid romance movies you mention earlier, you were not some cliche. Especially not with a poor excuse of a runaway-brainwashed-assassin soulmate, at least you would try convincing yourself that.

“My god Bucky, how many times do I have to tell you to just go through the door.” you pinch the bridge of your nose as the tired old man scrambles to clean up the dirt and scattered pot beneath him. “I mean, you practically live here now.”

“I'm not using the door, someone could see me.”

You think Like that's better than having someone see you climb through the fire escape, asshole. You scoff and shake your head and begin dragging yourself to the kitchen. You had a slight quirk at the end of your lips, an amused smile, you hoped Bucky didn’t see in the dark. Maybe he did, you didn’t really have enough time to ask him the deets on the effects of the serum.

You swing open the cabinet door and grab a trash bag and first aid kit. God only knows how bent out of shape bucky is tonight. Making your way back into your living room, Buckys still muttering under his breath about your stupid plant and “god dammit it's fucking freezing out there.”

throwing the trash back at him, he looks up at you. His eyes are beautiful. His hair is sopping wet and you were hoping to any god above that he wasn't bleeding out on your floor. You were not losing your security deposit for your reckless runaway assassin soulmate. God, that's a mouthful, you need to give him a new nickname.

“So, what's the damage?”

“s’ nothing, I'm just cold. It started raining hard.” he looks like a wet shaking dog. Your heart aches.

You look him up and down. Noticing the water dripping from all his clothing. “I see that.”

You sigh and take a few steps toward him. Bucky eyes follow your moments precisely. He has a bit of a staring problem. You snag the hair tie off your wrist and swiftly tie his brunette wet mop of a head into a little man bun. Cute. you shake your head.

“Stay, I'll be right back.”

Bucky watches you in awe as your body ascends back into the darkness of the room and around a corner. He's uncomfortable and his socks are wet. The leather vest is wet and he feels like he's trapped in his own skin, and Bucky feels too heavy.

Slowly, he begins to unstrap all weapons on his body and toss them to the side so you don't have to see them. You didn't like guns. He had a designated place where he hides them because god-forbid Bucky messes up your apartment aesthetic with his dozen of unsettling and quite scary weapons. Your words, not his.

Unzipping the leather top and peeling the fabric off himself was less than a nice feeling, it made him cringe and sent a quick shiver down his spine. Bucky tossed it to the side, he’ll deal with that tomorrow. His hands feel the thin black shirt that's left, it's wet too. Fucking hell. He doesn’t remember the New York weather being this bad in September, he also barely remembers anything so his memory isn’t too reliable. Bucky slowly peels the fabric over his head, he hopes he doesn't mess up the bun you did, he never did it right.

Bucky hears your feet pad against your floor. He pushes back a smile. You're holding a towel and some clothes. He watches you as you crouch down next to him on the floor, he notices that your eyes are squinted and your bed head is apparent. A twinge of guilt hits him now knowing he had woken you up. Bucky whispers, “I woke you up.”

You sigh, again. “I was having a bad dream anyways.”

“About?”

You inhale, scoffing to yourself. “I was being chased by Jimmy Fallon with a jar of pickles – because you know, I hate pickles – and he was yelling at me about the importance of eating vegetables, but he sounded just like my mom.”

Bucky didn’t remember who Jimmy Fallon was, “you must think you’re so amusing, don’t you?”

“Maybe.”

Bucky curls his toes and is unfortunately reminded of his very wet socks. He leans forward to untie his hefty boots. Your eyes trail along his naked back, his muscles flex and suddenly you are just a little more awake. You watch his left arm in all its glory, taking note of the ragged and scarred tissues where metal meets skin. Scratch marks are littered around the edges, and you feel sad for him, imagining how those got there. The moonlight highlights his metal arm, making it shine and look quite beautiful. You could never tell Bucky that.

“It's been a week.” you finally breathe out. Bucky freezes in place as his fingers wrap around his laces. He feels guilty again. “And you didn't leave a note this time either. I thought...”

Trailing off, you stop yourself before you say something you were going to regret. Your mind wanders, you felt so incredibly stupid right now. Truth is, you didn't agree with the whole soulmate ordeal but it seemed like ever since your unconventional first meeting with Bucky, he has stuck to you like glue. He just kept coming back and then leaving again.

It took you many of his overnight stays and weirdly domestic mornings making scrambled eggs together and then turning into a worry machine after he leaves. You realized had grown to care for him deeply. Bucky always came back, but you were scared for the day we might not.

Bucky is– literally, a lost puppy. He had been on the run and actively avoiding the few stray agents that knew he was still alive when he met you.

Bucky remembered back when he was a kid, dreaming about the day he would meet his soulmate. He and Steve would stay up all night talking about their soul marks, or just words (as they used to call it), and what they thought their soulmates would be like. Bucky was obsessed and simply put, a hopeless romantic.

Then Steve met his soulmate, Peggy. And then he technically died and Hydra happened, Bucky thought his soulmate would have been dead because he was out of his time now. After being brainwashed and having been broken and put back together by Hydra, Bucky could still never shake the feeling of you still being out there, it was like some instinctive feeling in his bones, he had hope and it was one of the only things keeping him going.

And he was right.

Bucky had many doubts when he first met you, given his situation. But you were not scared. And that was enough for him at the time.

But now he just feels guilty for giving you the burden of being his soulmate. He was trying, really.

“I'm sorry, doll.” his voice didn't sound like his own, he shrugged the rest of his boot off and followed with his socks. Finally. “I should have left a note. I'm safe, you're safe, and I'm here now.”

Bucky heard you sniffled and you turned your head with an embarrassment look and glossy eyes. Like you were ashamed for caring.

“sweetheart...” he scooted closer, hoping you wouldn't mind his damp skin on yours. Bucky reached for you, wrapping his flesh hand around yours and giving you a small squeeze. Your head turned to him, a small smile hidden on your face by the darkness of the room. He saw it. Bucky might even think you're an angel. “I won't leave without saying something next time, I'm sorry.”

“Do I even want to know what you were doing out there?”

He hated lying to you but his life was complicated. “Just trying to fix some things I did.”

You nod. “Good.”

The silence between the two of you isn't uncomfortable, the past few months have been silent– at least with bucky. He is your soulmate. He is also the winter soldier, and the winter soldier is always moving and hiding. Bucky Barnes is always moving, always. He had been that way even way back in the Howling Commandos.

You were his safe haven. Your relationship was on and off but your bond was strong, it was wordless and tentative and strung together by patching wounds at midnight and soft, domestic glances over coffee. Your house– just you were his place where he could just stop, pretend as if nothing mattered and sit on the couch and watch reality television that you loved. Bucky found it questionable but you said “it will help you get with the times.” Bucky just watched it because he knew it made you happy.

Bucky Barnes had been moving all week, fast. He had almost died, twice. He was never going to let you know that though. Bucky was due for some Hell's Kitchen or dance moms. He was also not going to tell you that.

The moonlight was fading and you could hear the faint sound of birds chirping outside, barely silenced by the bustling city life of people leaving for work. You are still sitting next to Bucky, and you nudge him with your elbow. His attention is now drawn to you. You bite your bottom lip, a horrible habit you had, bucky hated it. Bucky brings his thumb up to your face and pulls your lip away from your teeth. He wants to kiss you.

“Go take a shower, you stink.” That works too. He smiles and you laugh. Yeah, Bucky thinks he can stop for just a little longer this time.

Feedback and comments make the work go round, comment to be added to the tag list!

Tag list : @ivywasmaroon @ozwriterchick @slytherinambitious @wintermischief

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #james bucky barnes #bucky x reader #marvel #marvel fanfiction #bucky fic #sebastian stan #bucky barns imagine #bucky x female reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x gender neutral reader #sebastian stan x reader

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fictionalmanwhorehub · 1 year

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Brett x female!reader where work has been extremely stressful, and Brett ends up super frustrated one day (like to the point of getting physically antsy). Reader goes to his office to check on him and he's still super frustrated and accidentally starts to take it out on them. (Angst to fluff at the end) please :)))))

I LOVE THIS IDEA SO MUCH!! Thank you for requesting it! I really hope this is what you had in mind :)

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It was a shitty day at Cognito. Brett had been feeling extra pissed at the gang lately and stormed to his office, which was odd. Reader knew this was weird for him. They had been dating for a little over a year now and she had never seen him this angry. She slowly made her way to his office, getting stopped by Myc,

"Hey reader, a little caution to you, Bretts being an asshole today." He said and laughed, "He's acting like a toddler."

You roll your eyes and go to his office and gently knock on the door, "Brett..? Hey love I just wanted to check on you. I saw you storm off earlier."

He let out a small groan, "I'm fine Reader." he said in an odd dismissive tone which made you slightly confused,

"Are you sure Brett? I mean.. You don't sound fine, not to press I'm just worried.." you say with a gentle tone.

He suddenly stands from his chair and turns to look at you, "God damnit Reader I just said I'm ok! Can you mind your own buisness? I mean I know we're dating but can you just fucking leave me alone? I don't really feel like talking to you right now!" he said, slightly raising his voice which made you slightly nauseous because you didn't feel safe with him at the moment.

"Oh.. Ok.." you said softly and left quickly

He tensed and let out a sigh, "Shit..."

You immediately went to Gigi, fully in tears, and she immediately ran to you, "Jesus reader whats goin' on?" she said and lightly held your shoulders

You try and talk through hic's and sobs, "Brett.. He y.. He yelled at me and he.. Was mean about it.. I've never seen him mad.. I was just trying to help..." you stuttered and sobbed

Her look softened from curiosity to empathy, "He's been in a bad mood Reader, just give him a little.. You two live together, how about you go home and talk to him about it when he gets home. I'll tell Reagen whats going on.. I'm sure she'll understand and if she doesn't well fuck her." she said and chuckled softly

You nodded slightly, "Thanks Gigi.. You're the best.." you said and went to grab your bag and coat and left and arrived a few minutes to you and Bretts shared apartment. You sat on the couch and continued to sob for a few hours and ended up falling asleep.

You woke up a few hours later with a blanket over you, and some water on the coffee table. You smiled slightly and sat up to see him sitting on the other side of the couch, knees pulled to his chest. You stood up and sat next to him, "Brett" you said softly and watched him

His eyes widened slightly and you could tell he too had been crying. His look went from slight surprise to sadness,

"Shit reader I'm-"

"Brett I know you're sorry. I knew something was wrong.. I knew you weren't okay and you would never be mean to me on purpose. I don't blame you. Cognito is such a stressful place to work, and the people there tend to be a bit difficult so I know you didn't mean a thing." you said and gently rubbed his arm

His eyes filled with tears as he tightly wrapped his arms around you and sobbed into your chest, "I'm so so sorry I didn't mean to be so awful.." he said in a high pitched almost whimper as you gently rubbed his back,

"Shh.. I know,, I know.. I forgive you Brett.. I forgive you, I love you so much.." you softly coo'd as he pulled you into his lap and rested his head in the crook of his neck and just held you

"I love you so much, reader." he said

You both ended up falling asleep on the couch, clinging to eachother like life support and just being glad you were together.

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I really really hope thats what you wanted, I hope you enjoyed!! Please send more requests I loved writing that!!

#inside job #angst #brett hand #brett hand x reader #inside job headcanon #inside job fanfic #angst to fluff #stress #cute couple

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decepti-thots · 1 year

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i would be super interesting in hearing your thoughts on the first trans tf character actually! transgender, textual and subtextual, in transformers is something i've been thinking about a lot recently

Personally, I do count it as Classics/Recordicons Howlback- for those not aware, the strip I'm referring to is this one.

...oh god this got longgggg, i will cut this to save all your dashes.

Willis actually talks about it here on Tumblr, basically saying he had been avoiding female characters in writing those strips for a while because while there are a couple of lasses in that continuity, the general rule of thumb was that everyone was supposed to be 'genderless' (which unfortunately in Classics continuity was actually just 'man as a default', because of course it was). And then he decided this was pretty daft of him because why couldn't a 'genderless society' just. Like. Decide 'hey, being a girl sounds neat' or whatever and then Be A Girl if they wanted. Which is pretty much what IDW would eventually retcon in as an explanation for how a robot species conceives of gender.

But since this is basically just a word of god situation, some folks argue this doesn't 'count'. Personally, despite not usually paying much attention to 'word of god', I count it because I think you have to give a certain amount of leeway when looking at the context it was being done in; if a creative wants a queer character or concept in there for a franchise where asking permission for that is required and yields uncertain results, insisting 'word of god doesn't ever count' strikes me as ungenerous. But true, Howlback is never canonized on panel as trans, so I see what people mean.

And then one elephant in the room in this whole discussion is... IDW Arcee. Spotlight Arcee is not a 'trans narrative' just because it leans on some very, very nasty transphobic tropes, and for many years IDW Arcee was not really treated as trans even by writers trying to do better by her than that shitty-ass comic. But as of the last ever issue of IDW1, and yes I really mean it was made 100% confirmed in the last ever comic for folks who didn't read exRiD btw, Barber managed to retcon it so Arcee was definitively, in-universe trans the whole time. And the Jhiaxus stuff didn't even have to be thrown out to do it. So is Arcee the 'first canon trans character'? Do we go from the date of OP #25, or from her Spotlight appearance? I personally go somewhere in the middle- Barber functionally treats her as trans throughout exRiD, he just never quite finds room to fit in an unambiguous mention- but that muddies stuff a lot. Some people argue IDW Arcee is the first canon trans character because she is both on-page trans and was introduced earlier, even if the confirmation of her as trans came way later, and very much in spite of what happened at the beginning.

And of course in between Barber taking over Arcee and him canonizing her as For Real Trans, we have Lug and Anode in Lost Light. This is on the page, it is explicitly unambiguously trans, and for some folks both of those things are needed for First Trans Character credentials. Meaning that they feel Lug and Anode, in 2016, were the actual honest-to-god first trans characters in TF, since they may not count Arcee's earlier appearances since at the time they were written, she wasn't yet trans. (Edit: amendment regarding a precursor to them is here.)

But then, what about the AVP stuff? Well after Howlback was word of god-ed as trans and before the above from Barber on the page in IDW, back in 2015 AVP, which is considered canon material, got asked about if any characters were trans. And answered in the affirmative! Notably, these are all little nods to characters who for various reasons have Stuff going on with their canon genders, e.g. G1 Overlord being nodded to as genderfluid because that character in the anime he originates from is basically 'created from' a man and a woman who are a married couple. (G1 Overlord is weird.) Also, Archadis was originally designed to be a female character and then swapped to male, which gets a nod as a trans man character, that sort of thing. These are technically not 'word of god', as AVP, despite functionally being a way to canonize word of god stuff, is in-universe fiction of its own and considered as such. I have seen at least one argument, therefore, that the 2015 AVP stuff constitutes the first unambiguous in-fiction depiction of explicitly trans characters in TF, as it predates all the above bar Howlback, who they don't count. But I've also seen some people say AVP is actually just a word of god machine and not canon as a result! So some people say none of the trans stuff in there is Real Canon!

...and you could really take it further and therefore look at which of those characters would be the earliest to debut in-fiction and I think that means you could make the claim the first ever canon trans character in TF is indeed G1 Overlord, which would be mostly very silly to do, but funny, so I think someone oughta.

Anyway. All this is to say, there's a lot of contenders for who is first, and probably more characters you can definitively call 'trans' in SOME context than many folks realize!

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schwhoopsie · 2 years

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Ok so basically he said that he was never kicked out of starkid he chose to leave on his own free will because that’s what was best for his mental health. He said that the three guys running starkid(I’m assuming this is Nick Matt and Brian???) were super unprofessional, had no idea what they were doing, and showed extreme favouritism towards the people they went to college with and made the newer members like him feel like they could be fired or replaced at any time. He said that while some of the members of starkid like Kim were nice to him 99% of them bullied him and backstabbed him and made him feel like he couldn’t trust anybody which is why he was so distant during Black Friday. He then talked for a really long time about one starkid member did something so traumatic to him that he ended up developing ptsd and when he Finally got the courage to tell “ “the man in charge” what happened he told Robert that he didn’t care and to get over it

in response to this question

okay now that i have the context that does sound a lot like he's just trying to start shit. starkid's been around for 10+ years, so if they were really that bad a group to be around, then why are we just starting to hear this now? there's been lots of non-university of michigan people that have become starkid members within the last few years, so why's he the only one talking shit about the group? that seems sus.

plus he's been with starkid since 2014 (?) so if this has been going on for a while why didn't he leave earlier? even if it hasn't been going on that long, then why didn't he just say this when the sa accusation came out? ig even if he did say this then i still wouldn't believe him, but it's all just super shitty behavior on his part. (also doesn't he still live with nick and jon? bc if so that's gotta be awkward for nick to see/hear him saying this shit about him online). while typing this i got another message on the situation. apparently somebody in sk said something inappropriate to him early on in his time with the group and when he brought it up to someone he was basically brushed off.

i feel like since he's saying all this on live then he's just trying to start shit bc some of the bad things he's done (minus the sa accusations) could've been handled in private. i get that in his pov he's he's trying to tell fans who team starkid really are by unveiling the things that the group has supposedly done to him, but the fact that 1. he's the only one doing shit like this and 2. [according to tumblr posts] he's still close with mariah (and maybe angela?) seems kinda weird to me. i feel like if this was true then those two especially would have something to say about it bc they also didn't go to u of m, but the fact that they haven't spoken out about the group makes me think that what he's saying isn't true. bc if it was then wouldn't they be trying to defend their supposed friend? or maybe they just haven't said anything bc they're both doing npmd? i'm not trying to defend him bc he's done a lot of bad. maybe the reason the other starkid's haven't said anything about the situation with him is because they can't.

tl;dr i think he's just trying to start shit. i feel like if it were true, somebody else would've said something before. this is all ofc just my opinion though

#anti robert manion #starkid #team starkid #starkid productions

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tommstic · 9 months

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Being trans in the south

Hey all! I’ve finally accepted myself, and I think that now is a perfect time to share my story. This post will contain transphobic language, descriptions of dysphoria, and other possibly triggering things. I think it’s important to read just to get a look into the life of a trans kid in the south, but if it makes you uncomfortable, please skip if you need!

I live in the southern area of the USA. It’s not really a secret, I talk about my state and the whether pretty often so it’s not like I’m trying to hide who I am. Because of that, I feel comfortable sharing this story with some more personal details.

I live in South Carolina. The state is no stranger to anti-lgbtq+ corruption in the local government and in the citizens. SC is one of the states which has currently banned LGBTQ+ topics to be taught under the umbrella of sex ed. With this info, you can probably infer what life as an lgbtq+ teen is like in the dead centre of a red state.

I realised I was trans during late 2019 - early 2020 (my memory is fuzzy due to unrelated matters, so sorry if the timeline feels fuzzy sometimes). I decided to identify as bigender at the time. I only came out to my close friends, and that was after months of being scared they wouldn’t accept me. Of course, they accepted me, being lgbtq+ themselves.

Later on, somehow, word began to spread that I was trans and people at school began to ask me questions about it. It was scary. I remember being so anxious every time someone would come up and talk to me during that time because I was afraid they would harass, hurt, or judge me because of my identity. And naturally, whenever someone would ask, I would tell them I wasn’t trans and they’d heard wrong. It felt weird to act like I was “the victim of gossip” when in reality it was true. I was trans, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

Time passes, blah blah, unimportant nonsense. Nothing really significant to my identity happens, I still identified as bigender. I was trying to accept myself more by being more public with my identity. I wanted to believe that the south wasn’t as hateful as the media portrayed it, so I was public about my identity online and would tell people I was trans if they asked. My first instance of experiencing genuine transphobia was when I was banned from my friend’s house by their dad due to me being trans.

I felt so sick that night and I cried so so much- I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that my identity had gotten me banned from seeing them again. I felt like I was the problem.

Then I entered my freshman year. I started wearing pins on my ID because I wanted to try again. Plus, I assumed that if I was in a public space I’d be safe. I wasn’t entirely wrong, but in some instances it didn’t exactly work out.

There were certain classes where I took off my trans pin from my ID. Mostly classes overrun by country kids and openly trans/homophobic people. I would put the pin in a small pocket in my bag and wear my ID as normal.

One day I did the same as usual, putting my pin away, and I noticed this kid looking at me weird. We leave the classroom and when we come back to pack up I check my bag and the zipper is opened and the pin is gone. Now I’m not completely sure it was him, but someone stole my pin and I know it wasn’t out of jealousy. There was a sticky note with a shitty cross drawn onto it. Losing the pin sucked, especially considering the motive, but it was the least of my problems.

People from my school would occasionally send me DMs via Instagram telling me I need God and how I’m disgusting. I was even threatened a few times, which was sadly no surprise. I’ve always prided myself on not taking cyber bullying seriously when it’s aimed towards me. I don’t typically let it affect me. But when you’re already surrounded by an environment that seems to absolutely hate you, having your online spaces being invaded the same way hurts like hell.

During the same class I mentioned earlier, I was called slurs both to my face and behind my back. Two kids were talking saying that “the class had been ruined by the tr*nnies,” while nodding in my direction. Another kid had asked me straight up if I was a tr*nnie.

It was around this time that I felt like giving up on my identity. I still felt sick looking in the mirror and looking at my body. I still hated everything remotely feminine about myself. I still hated being a girl but I decided that it was just easier to suppress my identity and go back to being “normal.”

In other words, being told that Id never be a real man was the straw that broke the camels back.

I still mentioned being trans in passing when I was talking with my friends, but generally I kept it a secret. During this time, I began to feel even worse about myself. I considered suicide because I felt like I would never be a real man. I felt like I wouldn’t ever be able to free myself from this prison that I had built for myself by rejecting my identity. It was shitty and it felt awful. I kept holding on to any piece of femininity I could find in myself because of how much I started to hate the idea of being trans. I hated it so much I just wanted to stay “normal.”

I relapsed. The only other trans friend I had at the time was a fucking enabler who I should have cut off forever ago, so it just got worse. I started doing stupid shit that I can’t even say on here for my own safety. It was bad, it put me in danger, and it was disgusting.

I began to calm myself down after a few months of not thinking about it and I decided to wade back into the waters of my trans identity by identifying as genderless. I just thought “hey, if I don’t have a gender, then there’s no reason to feel dysphoria right? I’m just me.”

Yea well no surprises here, it didn’t work. Another year of suppressing my real identity and I still hadn’t learned anything. I suppressed my identity for 3, almost 4, years because I was so scared of who I really was. I suffered from so much internalised transphobia for the past years due to the environment I grew up in. It changed how I perceived myself for the worst, and in the end, it didn’t stop me from being trans.

I have VERY recently come to accept my identity. I’m a boy. I’m FtM and that’s okay!! I wanted so bad to be able to hang on to my cisgender identity that it made me feel miserable for years. Finally I can really say that I’m trans and proud. I feel like I actually fit my identity and I no longer feel like I’m faking anything. It feels so freeing-

However, now that I’ve finally let go of my internal transphobia, I still have to face that of the world around me. I’m anxious to be public about my identity, I’m anxious to even come out to my parents (AGAIN.) because of what they might think.

I know there’s people out there who’ve had it worse than me, and that scares me the most. To imagine that there’s people struggling with the same issues as I am but with genuine violence in their lives, it’s worrying. As a country and as a society we have to understand that our views on young lgbtq+ members is crucial to how they view themselves. We’re just kids, we shouldn’t have to “toughen up” because we’re being told to shoot ourselves. We shouldn’t be getting told all these terrible things in the first place.

It’s fucking awful and I don’t think people have a real understanding of how passive transphobia affects people in the real world. There are dead trans kids because of this. There are dead queer kids because of this. It’s not easy to be surrounded by hate no matter where you look. I was lucky enough to have my friends as a support but not every kid has that. We gotta fucking fix this, it’s hurting innocent kids who just want to figure themselves out.

This was longer than I expected,, I tried to keep everything very linear. This isn’t a sob story or whatever, I just want to raise awareness for kids in the south because what I experienced was honestly so mild compared to what some other people I know have gone through. If you made it to the end, that’s awesome because I would’ve gotten tired by now Hah- thank you so much for reading-

if you’re of legal age to vote PLEASE do research on who you’re voting for because our leaders, local or National, determine the future of this country.

#tommstic #transmasc #transgender #trans man #trans issues #trans inclusion #transisbeautiful #transphobes #pls spread awareness and share ur own stories if you’re also a trans southerner!!#lgbtqia #lgbtq #lgbtq rights #lgbtq community #gender dysphoria #tw dysphoria #tw sucidal ideation #tw selfhate #internalized queerphobia #trans

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russellsppttemplates · 21 days

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In your note on Gasly's PSG match blurb I can add one thing, there is no person who suffered more bullying than Gasly for standing in front of Ronaldinho, especially on broadcasts in South America and and some commentators didn't even know who he was, and talking about Ronaldinho here in Brazil, besides being known as one of the best players here, he is known for being in random encounters, like being in the same place as Gasly, like being arrested in Paraguay and winning the prison championship playing for the prisoners' team against the police team and having won a piglet, as well as having participated in a reality show in Turkey, having walking in the PFW, appears playing a drum surrounded by Russian women in the World Cup final in Russia and so on.

I'm sorry if that note came out as an offensive thing or like I was calling anyone out, I didn't want it to be read in that way!

It was more in the way that I reacted to it naturally because there's this family story where my parents almost behaviourly conditioned me to associate the number seven with Figo, and everytime I saw the number, I would immediately yell out his name even if it was just a random number seven on TV or a book 😅 and the euro 2004 for us (I'm Portuguese) is so ironic to the point where making jokes is the way we deal with it (and cry ugly tears apparently - that home video shows a very distraught 4-year old me bawling my eyes out)

I did not watch the game, so I didn't know what was discussed there, but I get why it would be weird and make no sense why people would bully Pierre for sitting in front of him - like, what does he have to do with it? It's not like he chose where he was sitting in such detail, and what's the issue with it?

Lando was there too (a couple of seats to his left), and from what I read, it seems he went a little unnoticed - he didn't get pointed out many times from what I read here -, and if that's the line of thought you're going with as in there are double standards and people just go at Pierre for no proper reason, then yes, I agree it's quite stupid and it doesn't make much sense (still, media can be really shitty, disrespectful and full on rude, so I'm not too surprised as much as it disgusts me)

I'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you were looking for and if the note earlier made it feel like I was after someone!

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loumands · 1 year

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I blocked this anon but i wanted to use it as an example of a few things i feel it embodies very well:

1) The treatment of abuse and sa victims in this fandom is absolute garbage. People i follow are generally lovely but outside of them there are so many fans who have fucked up ideas of how abuse works and don't have any genuine sympathy for victims. I already noticed it when the show was airing and some fans mocked others who dared to have a strong reaction to hyperrealistic domestic abuse depicted in the show, like what did you expect from a show about blood-drinking monsters you're so fragile etc., as if fantasy violence that is distinctly imaginary and dv that is a very real existing destructive thing were in any way comparable. It shows as constant excusing and erasing of Lestat's actions and victim blaming against Louis and Claudia because people think only if you're perfect you can be a real victim when in reality anyone can be abused and it doesn't have anything to do with their moral character. I feel the way this fandom treats abuse victims is regularly rude and dismissive. If this anon is an abuse victim themselves like they claim it just makes it sadder because i would never talk another victim in this way and i did nothing to warrant a response like this

2) As this anon makes abudantly clear, the earlier Jonah discourse didn't really have much to do with Jonah or his relationship with Louis or any genuine analysis about the show, but some fans' enthusiastic desire to find more flaws in Louis to bring him down a peg and make him appear more evil so that other characters' actions would appear less awful. By 'other characters' i mean mainly Lestat because lets be real it's almost always the Lestat fans, and usually (white) book fans, doing that because they can't accept that the show unlike books doesn't act like the sun shines out Lestat's ass, so they need to find ways to make Lestat and Louis more equal in their shittiness so that Louis would be less of a victim in their relationship (because again, they imagine person's innocence and goodness define how much they're a victim). It's so stupid for many reasons but especially because Louis is already a very flawed character in canon! And Louis fans are usually the first ones to acknowledge this like i've seen close to zero Louis fans acting like he's a saint, his flawedness is a part of why we find him so interesting. He was a pimp exploiting women and in the present day he lives obscenely rich in a city built on slavery paying poor migrant workers to drink from them. You don't need to make up additional theories of him being a sexual predator to validate yourself. And you definitely don't need to insist a headcanon you made up based on one ambiguous line is actually irrefutable canon and other fans are abuse apologists when not agreeing with you. Good lord

3) Last but not least, going back to the first two; some people in this fandom have some very weird and harmful ideas about sexual abuse and are not taking it seriously enough. It left a bad taste in my mouth how many people acted like the whole Louis/Jonah thing was some smug "gotcha" moment and talking about in humorous or performative "oh i'm so shocked" way. I also found out there are alarmingly many people in this fandom who think someone in their late 20s having sex with a 16 year isn't sexual abuse. I'm asking everyone who thinks that to unfollow and block me. I guess that line of thinking is predictable considering how deeply the books are entreched in pedophilia and rape apologia so that many people who are big fans of them are going share Rice's deranged opinions. This is one of the fandoms where i'm happy that it's going to expand and have more and more non book readers who are capable of taking their lestat and rice goggles off, and the shitty section of old fandom will get more and more inconsequential

#not adding tldr because i wrote this mostly to myself i need to put into words why this felt so shitty #i'm going to be more liberal with those unfollow and block buttons in the future #i don't like cutting people away just because of different opinions but at this point #i feel i've been trying to be almost too open and nice trying to understand and accept everyone #even when their opinions objectively suck and they're not interested in hearing anyone else lol #keanu.txt #csa tw #abuse tw

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trashcandroid · 7 months

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another october 13, another year on T (3 total now!). but this one’s special since it’s a super spooky FRIDAY october 13. more random stuff about it under the cut

part of the reason i chose october 13 to start T is because it was soon after i got my prescription, it would be a tuesday (thought it would be funny to have T days be on Tuesdays) , and because at some point it would be a super spoopy friday october 13. i looked up when it would be a friday and saw it would be in THREE WHOLE YEARS. i would have graduated college by then! and then… who knows what i would be doing??

turns out i’m doing even more school for the next probably five or six years. it’s refreshing to only be around people who really just see you as A Guy. i don’t think they even suspect i’m trans (or most of them anyway) since i’ve had quite a few conversations where they definitely would have asked if they thought so. a few of them i remember off the top of my head:

someone was asking if people had partners and i said yes (…i mean, i sorta do, don’t really wanna get into it here lol). she asked me if they were a boy or a girl and i said neither. she then kept trying to find out what they were really and seemed to be a little disappointed when i wouldn’t tell her. (to be fair, she was pretty drunk and actually passed out later that night… but that also means she totally would have asked me if i was trans if she thought so)

this same person also asked me earlier if i was bi (for some reason she was asking everyone that), then when i said no she asked if i was straight (no) or gay (no). this led to me telling another guy that i was ace and aro, and he asked a bunch of weird questions about it lol (i gave him permission to since i was wondering what questions you would even have about that, seems straight forward to me??). but no questions about being trans

oh yeah, this same guy showed my openly trans friend who was visiting some trans memes he had saved (his gf is trans). but he didn’t show them to me 🤨

ok one last one. another guy was talking about how he was thinking about joining an lgbt group here, but had felt kind of left out and different at the one he went to before. i said i felt the same (true). he got happy that i could relate and said, in a relatable tone, “yeah, they’re mostly trans and non-binary people there so i didn’t really fit in!” i hope i didn’t mislead him into thinking i was gay lol

i also joined an ace aro group which has been pretty chill. at least half the people there are non-binary and i have no idea if they think i’m trans or not. i’m guessing no..? or they’re being decent and not just asking

i never thought i’d be stealth but it’s actually so nice being around people who don’t give your gender a second thought. i did experience that in my band and in my last two years of college (well, stuff happened at the end of my third year that made me freak out for all of my senior year… which you can read about in the previous one of these lol) but the anxiety that everyone is just being nice has always been in the back of my mind. but all these small interactions seem to indicate that these people just genuinely think i’m a regular guy

ANYWAY. IN OTHER NEWS. since i have student insurance that covers 100% of the cost of medical transition stuff, i decided i could finally pursue top surgery! i already have the consult scheduled for early next year, and if the timeline is similar to what they said on the phone, i could have it done by the end of next semester! possibly even before my birthday? but depending on the available dates i might postpone til after finals. (on the plus side, those should really be the final finals i’ll ever have to take.)

i also got my passport updated with the correct name and gender marker. now i just need to update my birth certificate and that’ll be everything

despite lots of other shitty things going on in my life right now, i actually feel really positive about where things are going in terms of my transition. i can look at my face in the mirror and just see me. i can be around people who just see me. i don’t have to be around family members who mess up pronouns or awkwardly stumble around sentences to avoid using pronouns for me at all. i can just exist.

#mine #fr though every time i get upset about my chest i can remind myself it’ll be gone in half a year #i’ve kinda been binding a dangerous amount for the past few... years i guess at this point… BUT SOON…..

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manofmanymons · 2 years

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No one asked but I feel like talking about them so I will

I could go on all day about all the different reasons I really love Miu and Kaito as characters, but I could also do the same for literally every other character. Bc I love the entire cast of Survive to death and have more to say about them than anyone would ever want to hear.

But the main reason these two stand out to me above the rest despite the fact that I wouldn't say they're BETTER by any means is just that...they're so relatable to me, it almost hurts.

Starting with Miu, I'm both a younger sibling and the youngest in my friend group. So like, I'm no stranger to being coddled to death. Even people who I've specifically asked to stop treating me like a child still act like I'll somehow accidentally kill myself if they leave me alone for ten seconds. I'm an adult and literally earlier today my roommate freaked out that my hand was too close to the stove even though I've been cooking and baking for us for the past week. And it's infuriating! I know they mean well and I know it's because they care but ffs it makes me feel like everyone thinks I'm some kind of weak useless idiot. I digress (spoilers for the harmony route) I also know what it's like to have parents that won't believe you when bad things happen to you and try to blame you for things that can't possibly be your fault. I ALSO also know what it's like to have a special interest that means a lot to me but that other people think is weird.

And with Kaito

Boy I don't even know where to start with him

Guess I'll start with saying even though I just said I'm a younger sibling, my family dynamic is a little weird. My sister has always been a bit of a troublemaker, while I was the "so mature for your age" kid, so for as long as I can remember, I've been the one looking after her. I've always felt so responsible for her, and when some shit happened to her in our old town that was bad, well...it kinda felt like I failed my one (1) job. Our parents didn't take her side in what happened; in fact they were pretty pissed at her for getting into trouble. And she didn't wanna tell her friends. So I was really just...all she had. If I wasn't there for her, then no one was. We moved to a new town, she started acting up more, things got difficult. I hated my classmates and my family and I was just so goddamn angry all the time that I was constantly getting in fights at school. It's a lonely experience, feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and no one even notices or cares. And it wasn't until YEARS later that even my sister looked back and was like "holy shit I would've gone insane without you" and even acknowledged that I did a lot for her. So yeah I guess you could say I know how it feels to love someone and want to do anything you can for them even if you're not sure they love you back.

It's exhausting and frustrating and you get PISSED a LOT. Sometimes at them. Especially when they get mad at you when you're just trying to keep them SAFE goddammit why don't they GET THAT. But you don't just stop loving them, ya know? And yeah that makes me a hypocrite considering earlier I said I hate when people feel like they need to protect me, but also my 5 foot 90lb sister tryna go out ALONE with telling anyone where she's going is not the same as me having someone pull a box cutter out of my hands because "sweetie be careful that's sharp"

ANYWAYS

The hyperspecific circumstance of being an edgy 14 year old suddenly adopted into a friend group where people are baffling kind to you and now you have to learn how to communicate with words is just comically relatable like Kaito gives me so much secondhand embarrassment with his shitty communication skills. Like I, the player, understand exactly what he's TRYING to say. But then what he actually says is just so far off the mark that I cringe at the flashbacks of teen me doing the same thing. Like okay spoilers for the wrathful route and dracmon's mega evolution but FOR EXAMPLE

The time he tried to tell Aoi that he understood that she felt responsible for Saki's death but that it really wasn't her fault and she did all she could but he accidentally made her feel 10x worse instead

And the time the sentiment of "please leave so I can go all out in this battle knowing that you are safe because you're important to Miu which makes you important to me and I need to protect you" just came out as like "get out of my way"

He tries so hard to do good but he fails so much at conveying his intentions that it always comes across as bad and it makes me so sad for him because like...MOOD, little buddy.

Even though the violent cringey little bastard that was 14 year old me doesn't exist anymore and hasn't in a very long time, Kaito is just such an intensely personal character to me—to an almost terrifying extent. He occupies a very special place in my heart, even over characters I've loved for years. He's my favorite little guy!

#this got so personal and ranty should I even tag it #kaito shinonome #miu shinonome #you know who else is embarrassingly relatable #fucking #shuuji #i graduated highschool at the top 3% of my class and my dads unironic genuine response was why not 1%#placed 5th in a state wide competition and nearly broke down crying bc it wasnt good enough #ily shuuji #digimon survive was fucking PERSONAL for me yall dont understand #catch me kinning half the cast #DID I MENTION MY ENTIRE WARDROBE WAS BLACK AND RED AND I FUCKING DYED MY HAIR BLOND #BECAUSE YEAH THAT WAS ANOTHER THING TEENAGE ME DID #my friends kept calling me kenma bc of my pudding hair kskdkf #fuck it i tagged it anyways tumblr let my interests connect me to my people lmao

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radicarian · 1 year

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For that fic meme: L, R, S, W.

Behind a cut 'cause I picked way too long of a scene to DVD-comment about.

L. Is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

Characters Must Solve A Murder.

I think it'd also be fun to write more Fantasy Politicking but I do not believe I am sufficiently well-read for that kind of thing.

R. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

Chapter 3 of "Grounded" is, to date, the piece of writing I'm most satisfied with in terms of accomplishing what I meant it to do. So... some notes on the art gallery scene!

I wanted to keep the canonical clue to the Phoenix Cave's location in Gestahl's portrait. I also wanted to build in various parallels between Locke's solo chapter and Edgar's, and I hadn't planned much of Edgar's at the time, but I knew that Gerad Shenanigans were a given. Ergo, Locke also gets to try on a fake identity and get his questions answered through crime!

(And they both end up doing shitty and unflattering impressions of each other. The concept amused me.)

This was written in late 2020. Earlier in the year I had reread the Gentleman Bastards books. I am pretty sure, in this scene in particular, I got my Locke Cole cross-contaminated with some Locke Lamora. I'm not sorry about it! The circle is complete! Anyway, I don't think I borrowed anything that's not a reasonable extrapolation from Locke Finalfantasy's in-game characterization, and I do think this is a valid take on how that guy would bullshit his way into a rich-people party and cause trouble.

Also... this was written in late 2020. During lockdowns, Rich People at my workplace had been saying shit like "oh noooo the pandemic caught us in our European house as opposed to any of our three other houses, and we have been TRYING to pull strings with the local government to let us get on a plane and leave this house for a more different house, but these guys are acting weirdly insistent that the rules actually apply and things that happen in the world are relevant to us??? Even US?????" That's it. That's the vibe of this scene. How lucky it was exactly what I needed for a story; I'd hate to have endured that for nothing.

Some additional Tasteless-Rich-People-Art takes were probably influenced by McMansion Hell.

The "rustic breakfast" that Locke is so scathing about... is this. Delicious.

At the time of writing, my favorite couple of lines were:

There was always this moment, right before things went off the rails, right as the game changed on you: this moment of clarity where you realized, Okay, the time for careful maneuvers is over, I'm about to start some shit. Like hanging, just for an instant, in midair.

...But I'm no longer sold on that second sentence; early in the drafting process I was like "heh heh heh, I bet people falling from a great height, e.g. in an airship crash, is something that smashes Locke right in the Dead Girlfriend Trauma," but as things went on I forgot to do much with that motif. I was distracted by the bird motif. So the falling/not-falling thing doesn't quite... ... land.

Overall, though, I wanted this whole chapter to be "Locke does cool stuff, while also being a giant mess. He's making progress in pursuit of a goal, but the goal is objectively wack." And I think it is that!

S. Who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about? Why?

Easiest is probably Best Boy Sabin Figaro. He's straightforward, while still having enough going on to be interesting - and his voice, in narrative or in dialogue, is really forgiving of weird or infelicitous phrasing. He just says stuff and does stuff and doesn't obsess about it, and considering that a lot of my other go-to characters are on 2-6 layers of meta at any given time, he is SO REFRESHING.

Hardest, of characters I have actually attempted writing more than once... ...Johannes Cabal. Not because it's particularly difficult to get into his head; IMO just thinking "peevish nerd" is 75% of the way there. Rather, the logic by which his universe operates is hard for me to get a handle on. And without getting that right, it's difficult to strike the correct balance between him being 1) very smart and cold-blooded and dangerous, 2) an extremely uncool pathetic weirdo. He doesn't quite work without a properly calibrated narrative voice of "we like this guy, but also, hahaha screw this guy." I haven't totally ruled out writing about him again, but it's a tricky needle to thread.

W. If you had to remix one of your own fics, which would it be and how would you remix it?

I've never done a fic remix but I think "The Echoing World," a little exchange fic I wrote with OoT!Zelda in the world of Majora's Mask, has potential that-a-way. I was doing some structural weirdness with it already - sort of smash-cutting between Zelda encountering various Termina weirdos, with these main scenes being in past-tense, and a sprinkling of present-tense drabbles (Yes They Are 100 Words Precisely, This Was Important, For Reasons) where she's trying a bit harder to reconcile where she is, what's going on, and how time even works here. I could easily imagine flipping that around to foreground the spooky vibes a bit more... maybe especially dialing in on that bit where Zelda's not sure whether she's Zelda or Sheik. She is trying to solve an ontological mystery here but also this dream world is so weird it's making her doubt the reality of the real world?

#ask meme

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anonymous-dentist · 2 years

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Hi! I love your fic ''You're Dead'' but I saw your post about not updateing it/turning it into an original piece. As much as I'd love to read it w/ original characters, I'm also very attached to yd!karlnapity :'3 So I wondered - it's due to Dream allegations right? Idk too much (I saw some stuff on twt about it but there were so many re-tellings I'm not sure what is true) but if the allegations turn out false, will you continue the piece? Or maybe I don't know something and it's all been proven true?

(Here’s what I say as of 8:24 a.m. on the 19 of October:)

At this point I legitimately don’t know what’s true and what’s not. What I do know comes right from Dream’s Twitlonger. He did some weird messaging with fans, and- even if they weren’t minors- that’s really freaky. Shitty, even.

This isn’t my first rodeo with this kind of thing. I was an Achievement Hunter and Funhaus fan back in 2020. I also know to always believe the victim and to not believe, say, random fucking people saying things and then immediately leaving.

I’ve never liked Dream. It’s never been a secret. I’ve never watched any of his videos besides the face reveal and I’ve never watched any of his streams because I’ve never liked him. I’ve never defended him outside of saying he isn’t ugly. All the stuff he’s done in the past has been horrible. I firmly believe that you can grow as a person (I know it firsthand), and I’ve always been able to separate art from artist as you can tell by c!Dream being in my fics, but at this point it’s legit just too much. Because even if the allegations are true, the way he handled this plus the Manatreed situation earlier this year plus him, again, admitting to sending weird and very parasocial messages to fans just makes everything he’s touched tainted.

You’re Dead won’t be continued. I have cried over this. It isn’t the most important thing in the world, and the priority here should be with the victim(s?), but it still hit hard yesterday when I realized I’ll never be able to finish my fic.

Even if I was to play devil’s advocate here, I’d say that he’s still too gross. Dream’s character was going to die in the end, anyway, but I’d still have to write and include him in the second half of the fic, and I’m. Not doing that. So it can never be continued even if the allegations are somehow false. It sucks and I’m heartbroken. There, I said it, but it isn’t worth hours and hours of seeing his name there. He doesn’t deserve even a single hit on the Google search bar.

But! I really like the new concepts I have for You’re Dead: the Remake. It’s tighter and more focused while making adjustments to the characters that bring them to life in new ways and allow them to act like total fucking freaks all of the time (because tbh they were super ooc for a fanfic.) There were a lot of plot threads in YD I don’t think I could have ever successfully concluded in a satisfying way. Things were jumbled and messy and, honestly, pretty bad. But now I can fix it and make it actually good!

If the allegations are somehow false and other creators ditch the asshole motherfucker piece of shit, maybe I’ll be able to write about their characters in peace. Maybe. Karlnapity are so fucking important to me, you don’t understand. But the way things are looking based on what I saw on Karl’s stream last night and by how silent twitter has been on the subject… it’s not looking too good.

#asks!#dream situation

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thrashxunreal · 2 years

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wait so do you do photography for bands and stuff? thats been something i really wanna get in to but i have no idea how those things work lol

i do!! this is my favorite thing to talk about lol I followed a very weird path to a lot of the opportunities that I've had but getting into it is actually very easy and I wish I had done it earlier!

first off - gear. if you have a camera already there's a very good chance you can make it work for what you want to do, but what does help is having a lens that's good in low light, so f/2.8 or f/1.8. Those aren't necessarily expensive but make a whole world of difference in difficult lighting situations (here's a canon example that i started out with) You can also get away with lenses more like the ones that come with your camera if you're just going to use flash though (also not super expensive to get a basic speedlight) i could go on and on here so always happy to answer more specific questions about gear

find small venues and basements and bars where there are no camera policies where you can just show up and shoot (bonus: they also generally don't care about flash) bring your camera to shows that you were already going to be at - that's how you start your portfolio. and if your friends are in bands, that makes this even easier

shoot shoot shoot ~ shoot anything and everything that you can and play with camera settings and editing until you find something that speaks to you! learn more about the fundamentals of photography and look at your favorite music photographers' work and try to reverse engineer editing that you like. don't necessarily get too tied down to one look right away because those things change over time anyway tbh Also if you're shooting digital, shoot in RAW alwayssss

share ~ tag the band, tag the venue, etc (when bands make it clear that they're stoked to see cool photos of themselves it makes it easy to slide in with an offer like "hey would love to swap photos for a list spot" or "would love to collaborate on a shoot sometime" when you're starting out, just so you're spending a little less money to do this and maybe even making a little instead) it's a mutually beneficial relationship and you'll prob make some friends!

put together a portfolio and keep it up to date with everything that you're vibing with as your style evolved (a website is ideal for this) and then inquire about contributing to zines and music/entertainment publications and blogs that can get you photo passes to cover bigger shows where you have to have a pass to bring your camera in (probably won't pay but will get you opportunities, practice, and exposure and it's not a bad way to make connections) Also talk to other music photogs you find yourself around (but definitely ignore the shitty mediocre middle aged men who have holier than thou attitudes and awful looking portfolios lol do not let them make you feel bad) there are plenty of rad people out there who are down to talk shop if you're looking for $$$ for this, apply to in-house photographer positions at venues or for venue adjacent companies like livenation, etc. (don't be afraid to ask other people who they're there shooting for)

keep sharing photos you're genuinely stoked about. just for your own sake. bc you literally never know who is going to see and also be stoked about your work. sometimes it'll be a person who has 75 bucks for you to shoot one set or sometimes it'll be a person who could change your life. I shot shows in bars for a couple years and the right person saw it and enlisted me to tour (nationally and eventually internationally) with a big band bc he liked my eye and my energy. this is all a lot but really the hardest part is getting started and you should 100% just grab a camera and shoot anything and everything you're able to!!

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commanderfloppy · 2 years

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Reveal Link's secrets!! Or Floppy's even. Give us secretss

I've already shared some Link secrets so here's some Floppy ones!

1. is an open secret

I’d say the fact she’s trans is a pretty open secret, like she doesn’t go yelling it from the rooftops but also doesn’t care about mentioning it. There was totally a moment where someone in Dragon’s Watch came out to her and she just went ‘oh I was like that too.’

2. is a secret the people close to your character know

That she once had a daughter, at first no one knew since she never mentioned it (maybe Zojia because she heard about a smart progeny who died early or something) but after Aerri came out of the Mists with Eir and Snaff she had to explain. She didn’t really hate having too, it had been about a decade since she died at this point so she’s had time to deal with it, and it felt nice letting the members of her guild know something more about her. (She just hopes Braham and Taimi don’t start feeling bad about jokingly calling her mom)

3. is a secret that your character wouldn't really care about getting out

Her country/non-rata sum origins. I could definitely see some shitty Arcane council member trying to undermine her during something and digging up the ‘dirt’ that she wasn’t from Rata Sum and didn’t even study in schools until college. Of course she doesn’t really care and it doesn’t do too much against her. It does start a very funny conversation around Dragon’s Watch about all the weird things that can now be explained about her. ‘Is this why you said you had a pet bog drake as a kid? I thought you were joking!’

4. is a secret exactly one person knows anything about

Rytlock knows so many things about the shitty ex she had Aerri with from their bitching sessions. I mean come on, Rytlock normally is not the type to share things about himself, let alone if you aren’t sharing anything of your own.

5. is a secret no one knows about but they sort of want to come out/to tell someone

How much she is starting to feel some of the effects of aging/commandering for 10+ years. She’s still pretty physically fit and capable, but she’s been noticing how her reflexes have become a bit more slow, and her scars have been twinging more, she even switched to using a staff as her main weapon since using a sword started to become a bit taxing. Her fear is that she won’t meet the expectations made of her and it will result in someone else getting hurt.

6. is a secret no one knows and they desperately don't want anyone to know about.

Just how horribly bad her mental state was after Aerri died till she essentially died herself. She was just not doing good depression wise, she wasn’t like actively suicidal but definitely neutral about living. A lot of her earlier days as commander were gone about with the attitude of ‘better stay alive since it seems like I am needed to help, but if I do die everyone will probably be just fine without me.’ It wasn’t until like PoF-lws4 that she began to realize how much Dragon’s Watch actually cared about her, and that it wasn’t just because she was useful.

#gw2 #ask game answers #my characters #commander floppy #I realize that like with Link a lot of these were pretty dark lol #I guess the bitch sesh one is pretty fun #I'd like to think the bitching sessions started around PoF #at first they were probably pretty casual like 'haha we're the only people over 40 here'#and then they just kept happening #especially after all that went on after IBS they got pretty deep #Anyways during the ex convo they definitely ended up talking some kind of shit about logan #lighthearted shit tho not mean talking shit #because let's be real Logan is a bit of a loser

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wooahaes · 2 years

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Ahh we all have that one professor who makes u go ??? The fuck ??? At least 5 times in 20 mins lol I get you

Also the nct thing was purely by accident lol aksnsksms I initially listened to boom by nct dream, thought I’d listen to a couple more songs, fell down the rabbit hole and now I actively Stan 20+ men 💀 yeah I did that to myself lol but fr nct has some weird shit but a LOT of bops like if you like slow ballad type of stuff I recommend from home and my everything but nct u or if u like smth cute Touch by NCT 127 is p well liked by most people I introduce that song to! And most of nct dreams older songs are p cute too! I feel like you’ve made a grave mistake letting me talk ab NCT because I could go on FOREVER aksnsksms also I totally get the mark + Haechan duo lol I have a particular fondness for mark because we share the same birthday lol plus he’s so cute I just wanna fucking SQUISH

I would LOVE to hear you talk about Shinee!! All of their music fuckin SLAPS I’ve been obsessed with Body Rhythm every since it came out and like I got into the fandom p late so I don’t know much but I think taemin is fucking hilarious like he is very much my pathetic lil meow meow

-Baby Teume

literally i love her but the way she runs her classes... headache inducing. im probably going to scrape past with a C unless she decides to drop our lowest grade (highly unlikely but very welcome)

... my confession is that i actually enjoy sticker lmao like ik its not great ig? but i can still vibe with it

i have made NO mistake asking u to talk abt nct!!! pls talk to me about nct whenever u feel like it lmao i love hearing abt other ppls groups and the stuff they get passionate about!! literally i love when ppl give me song recs even if i dont end up getting into them bc its a lil 'hey i thought u might enjoy this' and i think thats sweet <3

i learned that marks emojis are a tiger and a lion and im like omg... tiger... another tiger boy to add to my collection. AND lions too??? mark nct ill give u a kiss omg /j

omg... u will regret asking me abt shinee i love them SO much. im ignoring the fact taemin just showed up on my playlist (highly recommend all of the shinee members solo stuff!!! i can absolutely give recs for my fave from each member even tho minho has like two songs to him rn but theyre both good fdkhdshf)

i always say taemin is my bias (hes adorable AND funny like... king stop my expectations are too high-) but i think im truly ot5 because all of them are so important to me. they were the first kpop group i ever listened to forever ago (sherlock (clue + note) is a legend and i love her so much), and i think dropping off shortly after getting into them (which would have been around 2015 because it was the time view came out) and then picking them a little over a year ago was genuinely like... something that really helped me out of a shitty place + hurt because i had missed the news about jonghyun entirely. but even then, i think its made me appreciate him and everything he's done so, so much. i won't get sappy but i truly love jonghyun so much and i'm glad he's no longer hurting. it'll always piss me off when people reduce him down to his death and nothing else because he was such a good person.

moving on from that before i get too emotional... i genuinely just love shinee a lot. i watched one of the shinee world concerts (IV i think?) earlier this year and its amazing how talented they were and still are. shinee truly helped pave the way and inspired so many idols and i adore them. its also fun to just watch them interact, tbh. i don't genuinely ship anyone because i find that weird, but minkey as a (platonic) pair are my faves lmao they always bicker like an old married couple but you can tell that they do love each other and are genuinely close friends.

and jinki!!! onew my beloved!!! i love him so much. he has such a warm presence and GOD his vocals... i die every time... coincidentally love phobia just came up on my playlist lmao but still!! highly recommend listening to DICE if u haven't!! the entire album itself is good but the title track is soo good <3 i always feel like i forget he's the leader of shinee because they're all so close-knit, it feels like they're all on completely equal footing even if jinki is the one leading them.

i didnt rly get into my love for taemin but genuinely i adore him. he's so, so talented both vocally and dance-wise, i love to see the difference between his stage persona (typically his solo persona lmao taemin and his slutty slutty music... <3) when he's really just this very sweet catholic man who apparently only really interacts with his group mates and a few others outside of that. he's so funny and i honestly admire every live he did where he spoke english and messed up and accepted his mistakes? like. learning a language is hard enough, especially one as fucking weird as english, but he just seems to eager to try speaking english and accepts his mistakes. i think he definitely has a very good support network both in the people helping him learn english (job-wise) and in having someone like key there to correct him (and maybe rib him a little bit--but it's all out of love). also i still think its really funny he broke into keys place to leave him a birthday cake and then proceeded to steal one of his jackets. stole my heart at the same time smh

i will stop here bc i still have two questions left on my final but !!! i will absolutely give u shinee recs if you want!! shinee has SUCH a good discography with only a few songs that are... not good at all lmao. but every group puts out some bad songs sometimes, especially when they've been around for a long time! nothing wrong w that! + i'll probs throw in recs from each member's solo career because i genuinely love a lot of their solo stuff as well <3

#wooahaes.ask #asks.anon #baby teume anon #the shinee song recs goes for literally anyone who wants it btw like i love my guys SO much!!!#i rarely get a chance to talk about them as much as i can talk abt svt/trsr

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electric-indigo0913 · 2 months

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I am having many thoughts. Here’s a ramble.

I’ve never really thought that monogamy was a thing for me. I sure did do it, for a long time, but I always felt bad that I would think about other people (not in like a damn, they’re cute way. Because that’s super normal I think. In a desiring a whole Thing way, which feels objectively less “normal” if that makes sense). But that thing I said earlier, about there not being other girlfriends and that there aren’t going to be. That’s a specific feeling I’ve never had before. And it’s really interesting for my brain. Because right now, I can’t stand the thought of another human being touching me, kissing me, or loving me. It’s only you. And I really think it might only ever be you.

You’re helping me remember myself a lot. I’ve spent so much more time with my mask down recently. You make that so easy for me.

I’ve spent a whole lot of time trying to figure out what boxes to put myself in when it comes to gender and sexuality. Also, for reference, I’ll probably one day be comfortable having a whole vocal conversation about more things. So many things have such a weird impact on me to talk about. That’s somehow related to trauma in a way that I could dive super deep into but don’t exactly have the desire to. But there’s been a lot of shame and the following topics give my heart a weird sinking feeling to talk about out loud: periods, sex, sexual identity, gender identity, PCOS facial hair, body image related things, the word vagina as a whole. Anyway, just figured I should let you know I have thoughts about these things a lot but have trouble using voice words for those topics so you might just stumble upon them here sometime.

At some point, probably before I was like 8, I remember crying hysterically if I had to wear a dress. That continued for so long and still kinda does. I wore a dress for my 8th grade dance (and cried about it because the concept of doing that made me want to rip my skin off my body). I had to go dress shopping for my sisters wedding and cried again. I cried way more when I had to do her actual wedding. It didn’t help that my mom made some shitty comments about the way I looked in it that I can’t actually type up without getting nauseous, so I won’t. I wore a dress to your wedding, and to mine. Those last two were my choice though, I think something in my brain shifted in between there. And that’s why it’s so hard to pick a box, I think. That one picture of me from high school with my hair pulled back, a binder on and a flannel really felt the most like me I ever was. But that was very rapidly ruined by many things and I forget what that feels like now. Somewhere in the past ten years I just came to terms with the fact that being female isn’t the worst thing on the planet and sometimes being female presenting is just easier. There’s just so many less voices in your head. And now I’m wondering if the way I’m presenting myself now is because it’s what I want or because it’s convenient. I have a lot of complex thoughts regarding what I want, because some days I want to chop my hair off and get a new binder and go out how I feel, but other days I want to walk around with my tits out and be called a princess.

Also to make it more interesting, I directly enjoy being a girl for you, specifically. I love being your girl, and your girlfriend, and your good girl, and when you give me compliments using words that are historically “female coded”. I love feeling feminine and soft and all of the other bits too. Which is why I think there is no box for me to check at all if I can feel absolute gender euphoria presenting both ways at different moments. I think it’s all about the environment, how I feel. I’m not really sure.

Unrelated but kinda related. My mom used to make so much fun of my aunt Evelyn for having facial hair. And I never really realized how fucked up it was, and how fucked up it was that I participated, until I started growing it. And I go through really interesting phases of not being able to stand it and shaving it every day, to phases where I want nothing more than to let it grow and enjoy how soft it feels when it’s growing in. But I think that one is always going to be something I deal with because I can’t stand the thought of people talking about me like my mom talked and talks about my aunt.

Also unrelated but kinda related. I’m way more gay than I remembered. I think it’s interesting because I’ve buried so much of myself for so long. But Jesus Christ. I think that sex is fun generally with whatever parts people are working with, but the concept of putting another dick in my mouth sounds so entirely off putting right now. I’m not sure if that has any relevance to anything in my life but I thought about it and I was like, well that’s a new feeling I’m remembering.

Anyway. If you do read this, I hope you enjoyed the deep dive into my brain. Sometimes it’s a lot easier to use a keyboard than my voice. I love you very much.

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