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godtier · 20 days

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AI art detection methods: a starter guide

so here it is, my starter guide on how to detect AI art.

to set the tone of this guide: i am not really the type to go full-ass pitchforks and torches and call someone a bad person or dumb for liking, reblogging, or even using AI art for inspiration/mood board/etc purposes without knowing that it was AI generated in the first place.

it has become incredibly difficult to detect these things as the models are becoming more and more accurate with certain subjects. it's why i decided to write this guide in the first place. i take these situations as learning opportunities, to use corpo speak lmao, and so i don't think there's any value in shaming anyone for liking/reblogging smth "SO OBVIOUSLY AI."

they might not have known, so teach them!

after all, everyone starts somewhere, so it's best to help teach when you can! do not use these methods to bully people or falsely accuse people because i will know and be very disappointed in you. >:(

so if you are concerned about reblogging something that is AI-generated, for whatever reason it may be, i can provide some quick[citation needed] tips that i use to detect it with some level of accuracy. this is especially useful when people don't tag their pictures as AI-generated.

PLEASE NOTE: this is not, by any means, meant as a catch-all, 100% success rate way of detecting AI art. learning models are trained off of existing art styles, after all, and you may come across a legitimate artist whose style is widely replicated by algorithms. this can give the perception that the artist is the one faking it.

check your work before accusing anyone. in fact, don't do public callouts unless you have irrefutable proof. a hunch or coincidences are not irrefutable proof. it'll save everyone a lot of headaches if you end up being wrong and you could also potentially damage someone's career (and risk getting sued for it).

a lot of these steps come with the expectation that you will do some legwork to figure out if something is actually a generated image or not. it's not always the same every time and it will rapidly change depending on what model is used and what prompts are used. these are guidelines, not tenets.

anyway, in no particular order:

one: stylistic and subject consistency

if you see a post in which several images are presented in a way that suggests they are a set (i.e.: the same subject at different angles), check for consistency.

a bouquet of flowers should not have the flowers positioned in different ways or omitted entirely between shots, especially if you suspect it's meant to be presented as photography. most photographers won't rearrange flowers between shots unless they're trying to achieve a specific sort of effect. in short, if it's just a few aspects of the subject that are omitted but the general piece looks "the same," it's probably not a photo. if it's presented as a hand-drawn piece, rearranged or missing pieces are also a flag; speaking as an artist, if i were to redraw something at a different angle, i wouldn't omit stuff that should still be visible in the new angle.

it is also good to check the artist's blog for consistency in style; if they are posting a lot of really detailed landscapes in one style and then posting anime-style stuff in another, that can be a flag.

that's not to say that artists cannot have multiple styles (i do!) but it's exceedingly rare that someone who is a wizard at photorealistic ethereal landscapes would also be a wizard at big tiddy animu waifus and amazingly smooth calarts style cartoons. i'm talking like "this looks like it was a cel from an anime" and "this looks like a painting in the louvre." that level of dissonance.

dissonance is key; if it seems weird, be a little wary and look into it further.

two: lighting

AI models often struggle with lighting A LOT. no matter what the subject is, the lighting will oftentimes be incorrect in a lot of pieces. this can be hard for people to notice, but the light source should be consistent.

let's look at an example:

this fellow has a gigantic sun lighting the background. we can see that the background objects (such as what i think are trees?) are lit with that in mind for the most part. however, the foreground appears to be lit from the right (subject's left). with a light source that gigantic in the background, even in a cartoonish style, one would think the subject would be more in shadow, like this:

as a side-tangent, this is why a huge rule of thumb with photography is that the sun should be in front of the subject, unless you're going for a stylistic choice like this. reason being is the sun overtakes the entire frame when in the back.

of course, actual real-life artists struggle with this too! in which case, your best bet is to look at the artist's previous posts and see if there's consistency, as in point one.

three: types of mistakes and other common traits

so one way to check if you suspect a piece is AI generated is to look for the commonly known mistakes or "tells." you want to drill down, basically, from easiest to hardest to detect/notice:

on human/humanoid subjects, the most obvious one (to the point of it being a meme) is how the fingers/toes look. such as too many/not enough, but not done in a deliberately stylized way (i.e.: an anime waifu drawn in the style of genshin impact having 4 fingers is likely not a stylistic choice since it's not a typically cohesive thing to do since everything else will look more "realistic." by contrast, a cartoony phinneas & ferb-style character may be expected to only have 4 fingers and simplistic clothing or accessories).

too many/not enough arms/legs. legs that appear where they shouldn't (i.e.: a character sitting cross-legged but then an extra leg somehow hanging down off a chair, etc).

blurry/uneven lines. this one might be hard to visualize, so the best way i can describe it is when you copy and paste something in photoshop or even MS paint and then move it over slightly. it creates a jagged edge:

here's our happy example man that i drew using a touchpad lmao. he's v happy in the first picture!

but then in the second picture, we can see that he's sprouted a new arm (incidentally, he's still happy)! but it doesn't look right, does it? it's because i copied a selected area and pasted it, then moved it down slightly.

you will find a lot of AI art will have aspects to it that look very similar to this, typically in areas where there's a lot of repetition, like grass or clouds.

weirdly detailed "bloom" or "smoothness" to the point of something looking very artificial, even for an artificial subject. the willy wonka knock-off installation in glasgow used images that are very obviously AI generated and embody this weirdness pretty clearly:

"bloom" is basically a term for nearly airbrushed-looking lighting. look closely and you'll see that everything has this sort of "sheen" or "glow" to it in a way that makes it look very strange and unnatural, but not in a way that looks handmade.

impossible geometry and/or landscapes that don't make logical sense. this one is probably one of the harder ones to detect because it often requires staring at an image for a bit, like a hidden object puzzle. to use the willy wonka knock-off pic again, the waterfall itself doesn't make sense:

where is the water coming from? it appears that it's coming from straight above just going by the direction of the "strokes" there, but as we see, there is no water source feeding this waterfall. it looks like the AI sort of started to create a waterfall on the rocks/grassy part above but got distracted or something halfway through (which is something that happens a lot with algorithms, oddly enough).

background objects that look fine at a glance, but when taken apart individually, are very odd/slapped together.

at a glance, this looks to be just a stock image of someone's drawing of a bunch of US currency and whatnot. but looking closer:

sure is a square-looking dollar bill there!

and on the other image, it appears as though the currency strap is melting/merging into the bill...? along with a coin? or something?

to another point similar as above, algorithms will also do a lot of "like with like." that is to say, they have a hard time delineating between objects when those objects are close to the same color or shade and also positioned very close together. it's often why fingers can merge together into a mush/stump on humanoid subjects. so for that currency strap example, it's a cream-ish color that is very close to the light green seen on the dollar bill design's negative space. this is likely why the algorithm merged them together; it doesn't know exactly what it's doing, so objects will bleed into each other as long as it still gives the impression of the goal object/output.

four: don't beat yourself up over it

in closing, a piece of AI art will almost always look "confident." it'll also almost look perfect and skilled in that way when first looking at it. and though it may be distractingly perfect in that first glance, it will likely look incredibly imperfect when you look closer. imperfect in the way an algorithm would mess up.

that's honestly a large part as to why many people don't pick up on what pieces are generated vs not. these pieces are eye-catching and skillfully presented enough to the point of people not noticing the finer details. the more "technically skilled" a piece is, the more often that people will gloss past the mistakes. how many times have you seen posts where someone says, "i find new things in this piece every time i look at it?" that's why. we're wired to look at the big picture, literally. and that's not anyone's fault. so don't beat yourself up over it or think you're an idiot if you weren't able to tell the difference.

remember: this is an insanely new thing. while image generating itself isn't necessarily new, and programs like photoshop and other image editing software have been using algorithms for many of their functions for probably well over a decade now, this specific type of image generation is still fresh. and it's constantly changing. unless you're in the tech space, you may not even realize the advancements being made, and that's okay! you can always learn more. just be alert and aware, as this will also help you combat a far more sinister issue, which is deep fakes and other false info being spread. double-check everything.

so those are the main methods to start with if you want to try and improve your generated image detection abilities! i hope this post was informative and helpful!

#AI art #learning models #AI algorithms #image post #text post #tutorial #guide #how to #technology #long post

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selormohene · 7 months

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day 84 (monday, september 25th 2023)

Written Tuesday.

On accepting people as they are. Of course like many if not most of the reflections on here this post is brought to you by my experiences in the streets. As anything which bears witness to my life in any significance will indicate, I've never really been the most socially well-adjusted person. What that means is that I often end up doing things whose significance doesn't fit into widely accepted schemes of intelligibility. This manifests itself even in things like the manner of my speech (for instance I've often found that the strange words that come out of my mouth, or even those in which I find myself compelled to write when I write things like this, the vocabulary and syntax and so on, feel unnatural in a sense, like they don't quite belong to me and yet as though I can't help but talk that way regardless). But also in the way I dress, the way I walk, just a general sense of self-consciousness of the sort which comes, paradoxically, with an ability to be oneself, because self-consciousness brings with it an inability to simply be oneself, to possess oneself, to inhabit oneself, as it were.

Anyway this post isn't quite about my being accepted as I am. It kind of is, but the idea is somewhat different. So I mentioned earlier that people have self-presentations of all sorts in dating that include ideas about what sort of person they're looking for, and those specifications can be quite fixed and go beyond mere indicators of incompatibility. Which is fine, because you don't need to be open to getting to know everyone you're not strictly incompatible with, plus you can be incompatible with some one for the very reason that they don't meet your specs, even if there's not necessarily a self-standing basis for those specs, so to speak. And I don't mean to say that one's specs must be rationally justified. Having or finding within oneself a strong aversion to X or preference for Y is perfectly fine, although I still do believe we want to leave room for a distinction between frivolous aversions and preferences of this sort and reasonable ones.

But the point is that because I often feel like my self-expression is systematically thwarted by factors intrinsic to the kind of person I am, as well as the social environments in which I find myself, and their constitutive as well as incidental interaction, I find that I've kind of learned to be open to getting to know a whole bunch of different kinds of people, letting their personalities reveal themselves, allowing time for things to marinate, etc. Whereas, I think, for people who don't have that same social adjustment problem, and for whom some measure of compatibility or as it were of being able to identify people of agreeable social presentation a lot more easily, there's a bit less of an incentive to let things sit. What this means is that if I want to not put people off I have to engage in a game of dancing like a monkey to make them think I'm fun and cool and normal and only later can I feel free not to feel like talking, or whatever. But this feels uncomfortable, like I'm falsifying a part of myself. (And there was another point but I can't remember it now.)

Anyway, this returns to the point between frivolous preferences and aversions and reasonable ones. It sometimes feels like when someone says "my preference in dating (or in friends) is X, if you don't like it go pursue a relationship with someone else" you often hear this response of "well yeah, why are you trying to change someone." But I can't give up the idea that there is something to the thought of "you know you're a lovely person, it would be great if you could just give up this annoying idea you had." Or whatever. Like I think there are some cases, maybe even most cases, in which you should just leave people to be who they are. And in any case I think it's nearly always wrong to try to force or manipulate or pressure or shame (etc.) people into changing those sorts of views. But I don't think it's always true that you should take people's preferences as given. I think to do that is to give up on what makes us human, our ability to give and ask for reasons, and to accept and question those reasons in good faith, even if they pertain to aspects of our will. Because part of what it means to be human is also that certain aspects of our wills that we think of as fixed are merely contingent.

The other thing is that I don't think this tendency of mine (to take people's tendencies for granted in their relationships with me) is entirely benign. For instance I find that I tend to be less confrontational than I ought to be, and to pursue relationships in spite of an enduring and not just momentary or merely initial sense that there are barriers to connection, and to let certain things slide which I honestly shouldn't stand for — "personally I wouldn't have it," and all that, he says, although he would, and has, and does — and I think that to an extent these tendencies all stem from a sense of scarcity and consequent loss-aversion. Of course, psychological origins aren't necessarily synchronic psychological grounds, and those are also different from rational grounds, although the three are related in many ways. But I do think they stem from a common source and the question of differentiation and affirming the good and negating the bad is a complex one.

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sunnyrosewritesstuff · 3 years

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12. All About Bilbo from the POV of...Thorin

And FINALLY I’m done. Thank you guys so much for all the notes/comments/reblogs/etc. I appreciate each and every one of you. If you haven’t been keeping up and want to see all 12 POVs, you can click on the masterlist here or I may just go ahead and post them to AO3. Please enjoy the long awaited Bagginshield conclusion. 😉

***

Thorin knew after the battle, after laying in that healing camp, after finally being free to have thoughts not consumed by his treasury, there was only one edict he could make as his first one as king: the hobbit had to stay in Erebor. An advisor, a cook, a gardener, he did not care what occupation he took. He would invent a position if he needed to! He just needed Bilbo by his side if he were to be of any use to the mountain. Of course, convincing the hobbit of this was easier said than done.

In all fairness, Thorin could have gone about it a lot better than all but demanding he stay. The hobbit ranted and raved, he seemed on the verge of lashing out physically (which Thorin would reluctantly admit he would have deserved), and he spent several long agonizing nights in Dale. Finally, Bilbo came back to inform Thorin that he would be returning to the Shire, he would be allowed six months to make his choice, and Thorin would respect it. Balin had to remind Thorin it would be within his best interest to accept. Thorin couldn’t argue with that. In fact, he needed Bilbo to know just how much he appreciated him before he left.

It was their first real conversation since the Battle. Thorin made his apologies and explained just how much the hobbit’s unconventional wisdom was needed both in his kingdom and to the king personally. In return, Bilbo expressed his fears during Thorin’s goldsickness and why exactly he turned over the Arkenstone. It was far from fixed, but it did go a long way towards regaining their former friendship. The hobbit would cite it as what finally convinced him to come back just under two years later. It should have been the happy ending Thorin had been waiting for. He never would have guessed just how wrong he was.

“I’m going to kill him.” Thorin growled.

“You’ve said that before.” Balin reminded patiently.

“This time, I’m really going to kill him. Whose idea was it to make him ambassador to the elves anyways?”

“I believe that would be...yours, Your Majesty.”

Thorin had no energy to deal with Balin’s misplaced amusement as he marched towards the hobbit’s room. He pounded on the door making sure this time that the sneaky burglar couldn’t claim not to hear him.

“I’m not answering if you’re going to be in a mood, Thorin Oakenshield.” Came the muffled response.

“You approved further negotiations after I told you I would not go to that despairing Mirkwood if my life depended on it!”

“Yes, I remember the conversation vividly.” Bilbo sighed.

“Then why…!”

“Your Majesty, if I may?” Balin interrupted. “Perhaps the hall is not the appropriate setting for this discussion.”

Thorin glared at his friend and advisor before turning that look onto the door before him.

“Let me in.” He ordered.

“Only on your word that you will quit raising your voice to me.” The hobbit conditioned.

“I will raise my voice if I please! I AM KING!”

“And with that winning attitude, who could forget?!”

“By Mahal.” Balin swore softly, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

Thorin silently fumed as he glared at the stone before him. Any that claimed dwarves were the most stubborn creatures on Arda clearly have not met Bilbo Baggins. Thorin took a deep breath to center himself before trying again.

“Master Baggins, will you please let me in so we can discuss this in private?” He all but hissed.

It was silent for a moment before the door swung open to reveal the curly haired hobbit who was currently sitting as the bane of Thorin’s very existence.

“There, was that so hard?” Bilbo answered snidely.

Thorin’s fists clenched at his side, and Balin rolled his eyes before turning to go the other way.

“I’m done with the two of you. Fetch me when you’ve figured it out or someone’s dead.”

Thorin gladly slammed the door on the traitor, leaving him and Bilbo alone. However, now that he had the hobbit before him, he found himself unfortunately speechless. He loathed that. As if his mere presence could steal all Thorin’s words away. His rather impromptu first words upon their meeting came to mind. Clearly, he was wrong about this burglar of senses.

“I’m not apologizing.” Bilbo began, crossing his arms. “They asked for a show of good faith from Erebor, and frankly I couldn’t see a reason to fault them.”

“You couldn’t?” Thorin raised a mocking eyebrow. “Clearly you remember our last stay in their wooded halls differently from me.”

Bilbo’s eyebrows furrowed with a scowl. “See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about. If you want this alliance to work, you’re going to have to bury past slights. Goodness, I couldn’t even imagine what the Shire would be if we held onto grudges the way dwarves do.”

“And I can’t imagine the state of my kingdom if I allow flippant hobbits to not hold people accountable for their actions!”

Bilbo pointed a finger at him. “You’re shouting.”

“A'lâju Mahal (Shame of Mahal)! You are...irritating!” Thorin bit back.

“So you’re saying people shouldn’t be forgiven?”

Just like that, the fire that had been steadily building in his breast was snuffed out. Still, Thorin Oakenshield did not bend completely.

“I believe there is a difference when that forgiveness is desired.”

“And I think Thranduil fits the bill...in his own way.” Bilbo shrugged under Thorin’s disbelieving look. “He’s let his son go, he’s lost Tauriel to Dale due to his actions, he’s gotten back the gems he’s been denied. I think he’s ready to make amends. I’m not saying we have to pretend he’s not hurt us. I’m just saying, it would be a good show of...neighborly airs to meet with him and see what he has to offer.”

There was logic in the hobbit’s words, even if Thorin did not want to hear them. And that simple thought probably was the single summary of all their hard feelings as of late. He turned to leave before he had to accept any more difficult truths.

“Fine. Have it your way.” He spat.

The long disappointed sigh that followed him cut quicker than any blade.

***

The journey to Esgaroth where they would spend the night before continuing into the dreaded woods the next day was...tense to say the least. Even Dwalin was uncomfortable, and that was saying something. The inn was a welcome sight if only to get an ale and free Thorin of the abrasive atmosphere surrounding the hobbit. The man who owned the inn was tripping over himself to welcome the King of Erebor, and when Thorin was finally allowed peace in his own room, he was reluctant to leave. However, that ale was calling his name, and he waited long enough that surely the hobbit’s final meal was complete to avoid any awkwardness.

That was too little credit to the brilliant burglar. He waited until Thorin was sat down at the bar halfway through his ale before he appeared at Thorin’s elbow as if out of thin air.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Bilbo demanded. “In fact, what possible excuse could you have to be angry at me if you are in fact angry?”

Thorin was choking on the amber liquid that had rushed down the wrong pipe.

“Well, you see…” He edged around his persistent cough.

“Need I remind you, I’m only doing the job you gave me. Going back further than that, I’m only here in Erebor because you insisted I be.”

“If you would just let me…” Thorin growled only to be interrupted again.

“Is this some sort of punishment for taking the Arkenstone? You lure me back with words of forgiveness and then argue with every single decision I make when I’m only trying to help…”

“IT’S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! You confounded creature!”

Thorin nearly sighed in relief to finally see the hobbit’s mouth had stopped moving. It was as he took in the widened eyes and nervous stance that his words were able to catch up to him. His hands shook as his eyes darted around the significantly quieter room.

“You love me?” Bilbo whispered.

Thorin didn’t want to have to deal with this in front of all these men and dwarves, especially Dwalin’s irritating smirk. Grabbing the hobbit’s hand, he led him into the hallway where it was a little more private.

“You love me?” Bilbo repeated once they were alone.

Thorin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was one secret he had hoped to hold onto for a little while longer. Not that he was never going to act on his feelings, just he was waiting for a little more time to pass. For the chasm between them to be bridged stably once more. But they hadn’t been able to stop arguing! He certainly didn’t expect Bilbo to accept him right now, but he also would not lie to him.

“Yes.” He answered, holding steady for the ire that was sure to erupt.

Instead, the hobbit all but flung himself at the dwarf king, his mouth immediately meeting Thorin’s. It was abrupt, it was warm, it was wet, and it was wonderful. When Bilbo pulled away it was to utter a phrase he never even allowed himself to hope to hear.

“Thorin, take me to bed. Now.”

The dwarf’s jaw dropped at the invitation and the open lust dilating the hobbit’s pupils.

“Wait. Now?” Thorin repeated, his mind whirling but not connecting.

“Now.” Bilbo asserted as he wrapped his arms around Thorin’s neck to kiss him again.

“Shouldn’t we...discuss...this?” Thorin persisted through their kissing, rather stupidly in his opinion.

One that seemed to be shared by the hobbit if his sigh and impatient glare were anything to go off.

“Discuss what?” Bilbo demanded. “I love you. You love me. I’ve bloody been waiting for you to do something about it for months. Now are we going upstairs...or would you rather we postpone until after our meeting with the elves?”

Thorin all but slung the hobbit in his arms making his way as quickly as he could to his bedroom. The sly, conniving, extremely frustrating hobbit. And finally, finally he would be his.

#follower event #all about bilbo #bagginshield #thilbo #bilbo baggins #thorin oakenshield

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t-lostinworlds · 3 years

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My Best Girl (Tom Holland)

a/n: this was supposed to be short and sweet yet here we are asdfghjkl i mean it’s still short but 2k isn’t necessarily a blurb ahah. this was written fairly quick but i hope you guys still enjoy it!

pairing: tom holland x female!reader trope/genre: slight angst & fluff summary: You hear people gossip in the bathroom about how Tom looks so good and how you basically don’t reach his level. warnings: not proofread, tom being a wholesome boyfriend, slightly steamy ending word count: 2.3k+ requested:

prompts: ~ “Talk to me.” ~ “You deserve so much better.”

masterlist in bio & pinned post

-:-:-:-:-

Galas or fancy parties have never been your thing, especially when they're littered with too many celebrities. Some of them are nice of course, sweet and kind, but some are a bit much, stuck in their own little bubble of fame. It was just the constant thing of one upping each other, who has the most expensive dress, which island did they visit just recently, whose yacht were they invited to, and so on.

It was not your crowd, at all. Yet here you were in a floor-length, black sleeveless dress, a V-neckline to match the low back and a high slit to show off your leg and your silver heels. The fabric was hugging you in all the right places while a strong arm was wrapped around your waist, warm fingers sometimes grazing the skin on the small of your back as you smile at this well-known producer who your boyfriend just introduced you to.

Your boyfriend who happens to be world renowned actor, Tom Holland.

"I need to use the bathroom," you whispered into Tom's ear, the lad cutting his conversation off briefly to meet your gaze, a charming smile on his lips and a loving glow in his eyes.

"Okay. I'll be right here," he hummed, giving your cheek a sweet kiss and your waist a gentle squeeze before he lets you go.

After asking around the staff for a minute you've finally reached the bathroom. You pushed the door open to find it completely empty which was a relief. You just didn't want to deal with any more gossiping or encounter any more "high class" people. You went inside one of the stalls and locked the door shut. Although, you didn't get a chance to even do your business when you heard three pairs of heels click against the tiled floor. You wouldn't have entertained it until they started to exchange words about a certain man.

"Have you seen how good Tom Holland looked?" one of them said, a sense of pride coursing through you because your man does look so good tonight, that until the same girl spoke again. "Do you think I could snatch him up for tonight?"

"Well he's got his girlfriend attached to his hip so your chances are close to none," a second voice spoke.

"That was his girlfriend?" the first one gasped exaggeratedly.

"No way, I thought it was his PA," a third girl said with a laugh.

"What a shame, he deserves someone who can actually match him," the first girl sighed.

"Someone who at least could afford a proper designer dress," the third one said.

All three of them laughed at that.

"I bet I could still get his number despite the girlfriend. I could just get him alone," the first one hummed, giggling to herself as if it was the best things she's said in her life.

Finally having enough, you fixed up your dress, took a deep breath to calm yourself before opening the stall door and walking out with your chin up. All three sets of eyes followed you as they immediately quieted down. Only brave behind the back, always cowards face to face.

You shot them each a wide smile through the mirror as you turned the faucet on to wash your hands. The three of them tried to return it but their lips only twitched as they stared at you in shock.

"With all the classy make-up and elegant dresses you'd think it would at least taint your personalities no? Be ladies with a bit of class and elegance but huh," you paused, rinsing off the soap and then turning the water off before grabbing some paper towels to dry of your hands. "What a shame," you tutted with a shake of your head, shooting them a sympathetic smile through the mirror. None of them spoke a single word as you threw away the paper towel and started towards the door with your head held high.

Before you grabbed the door handle, you turned back to them with a tight lip smile. "Oh, and this dress is worth more than all of you combined with how cheap your personalities are." You pulled the door open, though stopped midway through the doorway to look at them over your shoulder. "Words of advice, try and go for the single men, ladies, and maybe you'll get lucky. Although not guaranteed if you're a bit...desperate. Have a great night. I know I will, especially later with my man," you said with a smirk, throwing them a wink at the end of your sentence to properly get the point across.

But the moment you stepped out of the bathroom you felt your knees weaken, breathing turning heavy, tears burning in your orbs as you tried your best to keep them at bay until you were out from prying eyes. The words they've said have always been sitting in the back of your head, how Tom could leave you so quickly for someone who was up to his level. Someone more gorgeous, someone with a high status, someone who could actually match him in terms of looks and just overall fame. And hearing those words be said out loud, to hear them from actual strangers, it only makes them more real, the insecurities that's always been nagging in your brain. It only makes them more painful.

You rushed back out into the ballroom, holding your composure as best as you could. Tom was still in his place as promised, talking to the same person he did just minutes ago before you went and excused yourself.

"Tom," you croaked out when you got to him, not meaning your voice to sound weak the way it did. But it was already too late for you to try again when your boyfriend's eyes immediately snapped to look at you. Tom knows you like the back of his hand, one change in the tone of your voice and he immediately will notice that something was up.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked as he turned to face you fully, his hand coming up to cup your cheek so you had no choice but to look at him in the eyes. Tom's worry only grew some more when he saw your orbs glossed up with tears, features coated by nothing but utter panic.

"I'm going to go ahead and get back to the hotel room," you whispered. "You can stay—"

"No, if you want to go, then we're going now," he said firmly.

"But—"

Tom didn't give you any time to finish your sentence when he turned back to the producer he was talking to. "I'm so sorry but we need to get going. It was nice meeting you sir. I'll have my agent send you the details. Thank you so much," Tom said, offering his hand out to which the man shook with a smile, not at all minding that their conversation got cut short.

And with that, Tom took your hand in his and swiftly but gently guided you out of the ballroom.

"You didn't have to leave with me," you muttered as you both made your way back to the elevators, thankful that your hotel room was in the same building.

"No, but I wanted to. The night was getting long anyway," Tom reassured with a squeeze of your hand.

You stayed silent on the way up and even after you're inside the room. Tom's frown could only deepen when you sat at the edge of the bed with a shaky breath.

"Sweetheart, what happened?" he asked as he locked the door. You ignored him completely, hands gripping tightly at the fabric of your dress, keeping your head down as you tried to keep your breathing steady and your raging thoughts at bay, but much to no use.

"Talk to me," Tom said softly, frown deep on his lips as he slowly moved over to your shaking form. He crouched down in front of you, hands landing on your knees as he searched for your eyes but all you did was hide your face behind your palms. "Darling," he tried again, but still, you didn't even bother looking up.

Tom took it upon himself to pry your hands gently away from your face and letting his fingers intertwine with yours. His heart broke when you looked at him with nothing but utmost sadness and hurt, tears running freely down your cheeks as you whispered,

"You deserve so much better."

"Okay, who the fuck told you that," Tom growled, but you only frowned deeply at his reaction because you knew, with one look in his eyes that his anger wasn't directed at you. It was at whoever planted that thought inside your head.

"No one—"

"Y/N," Tom warned.

"Nobody told me it directly. I just heard some girls in the bathroom saying how much you're way out of my league and how I looked like some assistant when I'm beside you and they are right Tom. I can't wear any designer clothes or any expensive dresses to look at least presentable when I'm with you. I can't match how handsome you are because I look nothing like those models or those actresses—"

"Darling, have you even seen yourself tonight?" Tom cut you off, shaking his head in disbelief as he furrowed his brows. "Have you seen how many guys I've been trying to wave off of you? Have you ever wondered why I've never let you go even in the slightest? Why I kept an arm around you or a hand on your back at all times?"

You shook your head no with a frown, not really getting where he was going with this.

"Babe, you stole the whole room! They were so drawn to you all the damn time like fucking moths to a flame and I was getting so fucking annoyed at them for always staring at you like that," Tom said through gritted teeth, closing his eyes for a moment to take a deep breath and calm himself before his gaze landed back on you. He flashed you a bright, genuine smile as he gave your hand a squeeze. "But I also felt so proud because fuck yeah, look at how fucking gorgeous my girlfriend is. Look at how lucky I am to have her with me and guess what? Get wrecked 'cause all you lot can do is stare at her while I get to hold her in my arms and call her mine."

You didn't have a chance to response when Tom suddenly stood up to his full height, pulling you with him and away from the bed as he walked backwards. You followed him with brows furrowed in confusion, but he only flashed you a charming grin.

"To be honest you're the one who's way out of my league, I mean look at you," Tom paused just as he stopped moving, stepping to the side until you were face to face with yourself in the floor length mirror. "Look how fucking beautiful you are! Those girls are just jealous because my god love, you make my fucking heart explode!" he exclaimed, gesturing towards your reflection in the mirror. You tilted your head at him with a pout, fresh sets of tears coating your eyes but for a different reason this time. Tom sighed as he moved back to stand in front of you, one hand landing on your hips as the other went on your cheek.

"I don't deserve someone better you know why?" he hummed, brown eyes boring into your own. "Because you are already the best girl I could ever have in my life." Tom pressed his forehead against yours, giving your hip a loving squeeze before he lifted his hand up so he could cup your face lovingly with both hands. "You are my best, most gorgeous and amazing girl with a heart of gold to match. I couldn't possibly find someone better than you my love and fuck whoever thinks otherwise," he finished, nothing but utmost sincerity coating his voice and swimming in his eyes, words doing nothing but make you heart grow ten times its size.

Your bottom lip trembled as you stared at him all teary eyed, leaning even closer until you were able to capture his lips in yours, to let him feel through the kiss just how grateful you are of him. Tom hummed at the feeling, his hands sliding down your bare arms until he rested them on the small of your back, welcoming your kisses as he pulled you even closer to him.

"I love you," you whispered against his lips, fingers getting lost in his styled hair, tugging at them playfully making him let out a soft groan.

"And I love you so much, darling," he muttered, giving your bottom lip a soft nibble before he suddenly pulled away. One you met his eyes again, that's when you saw how they were already a shade darker than before.

Tom shot you a wide smirk before he pulled away completely, walking around you until he stood right behind, one hand taking home on your waist as the other went to hold your chin gently, turning your head to look back in front so you were once again face to face with yourself, right in the mirror.

He met your eyes through the floor-length mirror, his grin wide and mischievous as he ran his fingers down your spine, goosebumps erupting on your skin. You suck in a breath as he took hold of the zip on your dress right as he sucked on that sweet spot on your neck he's already memorized. He pulled the zip down gently, the fabric going lose around your body as you kept eye contact with him through the mirror. Tom hooked his fingers on the straps of your dress, slowly pulling them off your shoulders and down your arms until it pooled at your feet, exposing you to the cold air of the room. With his voice deep and husky, Tom growled lowly against your ear,

"Now, enough talk and let me show you just how beautiful you are."

~~~

>> come say hi and send some in!

-:-:-:-:-

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blackwoolncrown · 3 years

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I guess I woke up and chose goat yelling so here we go:

If you’re not Black, think twice before dismissing the experience of thin ppl who talk about how we can be hurt by thin shaming *bc some of us are Black* and body politics between nonblacks and Black ppl have never been the same.

First off, fat phobia is rooted in antiblackness so you always need to consider that when making broad statements bc what is going on is nothing other than good old fashioned antiblackness and when I say antiblackness I mean the kind of blackness that extends to and sources from indiginaeity- not simply “anti African Americanness”.

And I wanna pause here bc I have had fat white girls use AAVE *at* me when talking about reclaiming their fatness and like... you owe a fat Black woman money. But I digress.

My point here is that nonblack body standards are completely fucking different from Black ones so statements about who is “automatically” desired and whose experiences don’t match can’t be said bc y’all can’t possibly know better. Honestly on body image only Black ppl can properly parse the discrimination.

Example is I saw a post the other day basically stating that there were no similarities between the forms of discrimination and first off let me clarify that I am in no way stating the forms of discrimination are EQUAL but I am definitely saying that across racial lines there are absolutely aspects that are similar.

Having people assume you’re sick because of your body type? Check.

Having everyone tell you you’ll need to change your body type to be loveable? Check.

Having culturally normalized phrases based on your undesirability? Check. “Ain’t nobody want a bone but a dog”

Having people joke about you being on drugs, in poverty or being hungry all the time? Check.

Culturally normalized jokes about your shape? Check.

And all of this shit can indeed cause internalized psychoses around being ill (since everyone’s so sure you’re sick maybe you are and oh the more you worry the worse it gets...) and increased disordered eating and health related stress problems.

My point again is not to say ~our experiences are the same~ but I’m really about to choose violence the next time someone wants to say our experiences don’t matter or it can’t really hurt or that there are no similarities.

The thing about fat phobia is that it’s institutionalized and it’s institutionalized BC IT’S ACTUALLY A FORM OF ANTIBLACKNESS and all the liberatory work in that arena is coming from Black bodies so if you’re not Black think twice.

And for *every body* you don’t get to fucking minimize someone else’s experience bc just like we will never know what it’s like to be you, respectfully, you don’t know what it’s like to be us.

So we can def say that fat phobia is institutionalized in a way thin shaming will never be but don’t fucking fix your mouth to try and tell someone else in another body that it doesn’t have any similar effects ever. You can’t possibly know that and it’s not your place to tell someone else what their experience is.

Because body standards are windows, right? Each culture ends up with a range it considered a desirable and healthy. Overall the window is too narrow and doesn’t allow for the many shapes and sizes ppl come in. But specifically, in the white world you can be *incredibly* thin and be considered desirable and healthy. In fact even though science says otherwise, white culture considers thinness and leanness to be healthy. But in the Black community the window is shifted over. There is still a size at which one is “too fat” but it comes considerably after the white norm. And on the other end there is a highly increased space on the other end of the spectrum where someone can be too thin. A Black person in this space is privileged still in the broader white supremacist lens, but as they’ve fallen out of the window in their culture they can be subject to the same tendency to shame anyone outside of the norm. Just like a lot of ppl who say they love fat Black women *really* mean they love women shaped like a figure 8? Same shit across the board- skinny is not desired. Socially palatable w a small waist and curves is. No matter the size. And also within the broader white supremacist lens, there are specific stereotypes about skinny Black ppl and poverty/drug use that do absolutely affect how we are treated in medical/professional contexts and whether we are considered credible.

We’re not all in the same bodies it’s true. Skin color and culture affect that. Speak for your own.

Anyway shits more complicated than ppl really want to acknowledge.

#ugh

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kingborb · 3 years

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Spill the tea bestie :0 I'm pretty curious. Deadass I'm so glad, literally EVERYONE I know loves nick and/or dogmeat ONLY and it's so tedious and stale to me. It also makes talking about fallout 4 so boring bc they haven't traveled with anyone else but Nick and dogmeat 😫

Yeah, that's a huge problem and I'm having it too, especially when the tier S companions for me are Preston, X6, Hancock and Gage XD Ok then, I think I can adress few things, why not c: It will be the longest post ever, cause I will try to write everything I can about this topic (cause it bothers me so much). You don't have to read my rumbles of course, I will make tl;dr version somewhere at the end just in case you get bored, my friendly anon <3

Oh and if you want to talk about any companion (I've done everyone except Dance), you can hit me on dms or asks, feel free to do whatever suits you! :3

So I have a few problems with Nick, some of them might not be that serious or game changing, others were huge when I encountered them for the first time. Let's spill some tea on one of the most beloved characters in this game!

1) People see Nick as an empathic person who wants to help people, makes rational, unbiased decisions, and has a good reason to be against the Institute. When I can agree with some of those things, this image of him was ruined for me in the Acadia. Okay, okay, I understand that DiMA actually murdered Avery and it wasn't a good choice. However, it bothers me that Nick sees nothing against forcing DiMA to confess to people from Far Harbor about what he had done in the past (and Nick actually likes this choice!). It is pretty obvious that he would die there and every other synth on the island would share the same fate if not now, then probably in the nearest future. And even if Aleen kills 'only' DiMA (because of the speech check with you) Acadia would fall anyway. Why? Tell me - who would be their next lider? Maybe the ex-courser whose mission is bringing back synths to the safe place because DiMA said it's the right thing to do? Or maybe 'dearest Faraday', depressed after the fact that some random wastelander came to the Acadia and convinced his loved one to literally commit suicide? The only safe place for synths who don't want their minds to be wiped by the Railroad or the Institute would be gone forever and for Nick, our 2nd gen hero, it is the right thing to do. Great. Fantastic. I love his logic.

2) Nick sees DiMA only as a murderer, even though he kills with you so many people on everyday basis... I know it's not the same. But c'mon! DiMA killed once because he knew his people were in danger. It was them or Far Harbor, and obviously he chose the Acadia. What a surprise. I wonder what Nick would do in that situation... I know I'm a bit biased with some of my opinions here, but I love so much the concept of the Acadia and 2nd gen gay nearly-pacifist Plato that DiMA is. Nick doesn't understand that the whole Acadia is in constant danger because of some bigotry in Far Harbor and Children of Atom being, well... Children of Atom. And he does nothing when people from Far Harbor murder not only DiMA but the entirety of Acadia - a group of innocent synths. Their lives apperently mean less for Nick than hiding one bad thing done in the past...

3) So now we can begin the next chapter which is the Railroad. Nick loves their every move, of course he does... I don't want to talk about them too much, but here I can mention their fantastic standards, when it comes to synths. They're killing the 1st gen and the 2nd gen, they're saving the 3rd gen... and what about the coursers? Desdemona is calling them per 'IT'. Fucking hypocrisy hits hard on that one. I know they're enemies but man... Why are you objectifying them? Why are you assuming they don't have personalities only because they're fucking brainwashed and controlled as hell? The existence of Chase and Harkness shows that coursers can resist too, so... Yeah I have a general problem with the Railroad and their double standards, but this fact is killing me every time. And about Nicky, oh... I'm sorry man, but they will shoot you on the side, when you will take off your clothes and appear as every other 1st and 2nd gen.

4) So here's the another thing, which is the atmosphere around him and a character building. People seem to like Nick because he's a unique synth (that's actually a great point) and because of the noir/detective vibe around him (as with Deacon/Railorad and their secret agents vibe - I get that too). I know, I know it's pretty fun to have the 2nd gen experimental synth as a companion who has memories of the detective from the past with... A DEAD FIANCÉE. Yup. Another one. That's why I don't like Deacon's and Maccready's stories too (and the main plot of fo4, especially when I want to play as a character without a wife and a fucking kid...). I like his storyline, don't get me wrong. However I think some companions in fo4 are well-written as well, maybe even better than Nick (I like in them the lack of dead wifes!). The last standing Minutemen, depressed and traumatised, who is such a sweetheart anyway. A killing machine which turns out to be real human being with fears, emotions and insecurities. An asshole who becomes a raider because he didn't want to suffer the same pain as his parents did, and has trust issues because of his past. A lonely, depressed drug addict who wants to see good in people but was rejected by his own brother only because he has became a ghoul. Again, don't get me wrong - Nick's story is really interesting and tragic as hell. His problems with his identity, personality splited between the prewar detective and the 2nd gen synth... It's all fascinating, however I will not forgive the developers recycling over and over again the same fucking cishet tragic story with dead wife/fiancée/whatever. It gets boring and repetitive after the main plot honestly.

5) WHERE THE HELL DID KELLOGG GO AFTER CORRUPTING NICK'S MIND ONCE?! TODD. WHY. It would have been much more interesting than another dead loved one plot. Todd, you lazy ass. He had offered so many, and he gave nothing back... As he always does.

6) The last one, I promise... Nick's reaction after siding with the Institute bothers me so much (the same deal with Piper). I. Am. The. Director. Of. The. Fucking. Thing. And it means I can do whatever I want, cause the director has a pretty authoritarian power there. So I can change everything, including the way they treat synths, accept or deny their experiments, say goodbye to some nasty scientists... The Institute route is not ideal in any way, however I see it as the only reasonable path in this game, even from the lore perspective. The Brotherhood is just a bunch of shitheads in the blimp, and I've said enough here about the Railroad earlier. The Minutemen are great but I would like to have an option to connect their morals with the Institute's resources and wabam - you've got the true happy ending in fo4. I understand why Nick is pissed, however if you are with him on the highest level of the relationship, he knows that you are an emphatic person who wants to make Commonwealth a better place for everyone including synths, ghouls, etc. It would be logical for him to not see you as a traitor. But well, I guess I'm wrong. Whatever, Nicky, whatever...

So here's the lazy version:

1)/2) Nick likes convincing DiMA to tell everyone in Far Harbor that he killed Avery. Nicky does nothing when people from Far Harbor kill innocent synths.

3) The Railroad and their double standards, when it comes to synths, especially coursers, but 1st and 2nd gens too. Nick loves it when you're helping the Railroad, even though they would kill him on a spot if he forgot to wear his clothes, so...

4) Another companion with dead wife/fiancée needs your help.

5) Kellogg in Nicky's mind. Missed opportunity for a good plot... What a shame, Todd.

6) Siding with the Institute and Nick's reaction to that, even when you're at the maximum level of the relationship with him.

#im sorry it is sooo looong but i couldn't resist myself #you dont have to read it of course #it was just my shitting on Nick XDD #fallout 4 #nick valentine #and why i dont like the most beloved character #welp

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dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3 · 3 years

Text

TPWP Introspective

Hey guys!! So, as you noticed, there was no update today either, like I had commented that I may try and do if possible. The reason I didn’t post today, though, is because I remembered that I wrote a little introspective thing about TPWP a few days ago that I wanted to post before the next chapter, if possible. I spent the last hour and a half intermittently touching it up (while also talking to friends, ha). I wrote this after waking up at five in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep, so I was fairly tired and rambley when writing it, ha.

Anyway, this is pretty long discussion about something that’s bugged me about TPWP for a little while, which is why I’ve made Taka so sexual despite not really thinking he would be like that in canon. In my attempt to write about that, my exhausted self also went into another problem I have with TPWP, which is the fact that neither Taka nor Mondo are really like their canon selves anymore. And while that was a purposeful thing, I never could pinpoint why, and I think I managed to in this post, so there’s that, ha.

Now, it’s getting late and I’m very tired, so I’ll add my introspective thingy in a read more. It’s about 5k words and goes over a lot about Taka and Mondo’s interpretation in TPWP.

Hey all! So, I wanted to go over something that’s been bugging me for a while in TPWP, though no one else seems annoyed by it. But I kind of am, so I just wanted to… I don’t know. Discuss it in case anyone else also has problems with it, but just isn’t bringing it up in comments. And the thing that I wanted to talk about is the fact that I’ve made Taka and Mondo so sexual in this story, despite this not really striking me as something Taka, in particular, would be like. In order to discuss all that, though, I have to go through a bunch of other explanations about what my main goal in this story has always been, as a kind of backstory. So, buckle up, my friends. This is a doozy.

See, while I didn’t have much of an idea when I started writing, the one thing I knew I wanted to play around with was the idea of dismantling Taka and everything that makes him tick. In the game, he is shown as a strict, passionate, highly motivated character, spending so much time studying and trying to better himself that he lost sight of who he is other than that. He doesn’t have friends and confesses to Makoto that he doesn’t even understand how people make friends through connecting over things like television, since he’s so detached from anything other than his goals. The writers even comment on how he is almost mad with his passion and righteousness.

That whole persona seems so unattainable to me. I’m someone who seeks ‘perfection,’ right? I’m a perfectionist and it burns me so much to know that no matter what I do, there will always, ALWAYS be faults in the things I create. I put myself and my creations against others and always find myself lacking. It burns me and makes me feel so… I don’t even know. Unhappy. Upset. Things like that. And I’ve gotten much better with this over the years, right? I accept that my work will not be perfect, and that anything I can create is enough since I created it and I enjoyed creating it. But the feeling is still there. The unhappiness. The discontent.

So, when I saw Taka and his madness to become better, I wanted to take that and see if I could deconstruct it. If I could break Taka down to his core, expose all of the secret little things inside of him that he must be hiding to present such a ‘perfect’ front, and turn it on its side. To give Taka reasons for his madness to better himself and then take it apart. Or, in other words, the entire premise I had for this story was to take Taka and break him down. And then, then I would build him back up. Into something less ‘perfect,’ less rules oriented, but a hell of a lot happier. Because in canon… Taka didn’t really strike me as happy. Not based on the things he would say to Makoto in both free time events and the school mode.

In order to do that, of course, I had to completely break apart the things that made him so rule oriented in the first place. And to someone who has spent almost their entire life building up this one persona, that sort of thing can be terrifying and uncomfortable. And it can lead to a lot of confusion and scrambling afterwards.

Chapter 17 was where I made the biggest break for Taka. I’d been chipping away at him for the first 16 chapters, and then 17 was the one where I took my sledgehammer and went to town. That chapter was the one in which Taka realized just how unhappy and discontent he had been growing up. He’d always stuffed that down and ignored it in order to keep going, forcing himself to ignore his pain so that he could become all that he wanted to be. He wasn’t even conscious of doing this since it was so deeply engrained in him by that point. Like I said in the very first chapter, Taka would run so fast and so fervently from his insecurities growing up that he didn’t even notice that they were occurring within him. Or if he did, he ignored them until it all went away.

In chapter 17, Taka stopped being able to run. His feelings for Mondo created a huge rift inside him and he didn’t know how to handle it. And then, after his conversion with his father, he realized that he’d been forcing everything down for all of his life, to the point that he didn’t know who he was. He wanted to be an upright, moral individual, but how could he be if he is in love with a man? How can he be when he can feel such impure, base desire for someone, a man especially? And I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with a man loving a man, not at all! Just… it went against the carefully constructed morality Taka, personally, had spent his entire life forcing himself to abide by, and that was a huge blow to him. He couldn’t comprehend it and he just… fell apart.

But he didn’t fall apart alone. Mondo was there to catch him as he fell, was there to help gather the pieces, and Taka latched onto that. He didn’t know what was happening or why, but he knew that Mondo was a vital component to all of it. In a way… Mondo was everything to him.

The main point is that I wanted to break Taka’s character apart, mostly because I cannot imagine someone being that moral and upright while not being completely miserable (or without actually being completely immoral, like all those people who preach righteousness while actually doing horrible things behind the scenes without care). There’s a sort of misery in enforced righteousness, especially considering how horrible the world can be. I liked Taka and I wanted him to be happy. And I couldn’t, for the life of me, imagine him being the way he was portrayed in the game and also being happy. Maybe that’s just me projecting, but… I don’t know.

But deconstructing years of a carefully constructed persona is— like I said— terrifying. And for someone like Taka, whose entire life plan was crafted around a certain image? I can only imagine that would be like jumping off a plane into a black, inky darkness, no idea where you’re going to land. But Taka did that, because the only other option was to continue living with intense unhappiness, lying to himself to keep his sanity. But the problem with lying to yourself is that it gets so much harder once you know the truth. It can be done, of course, but it leads to even more unhappiness and pain and Taka… Taka realized that he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be in pain anymore. He… he wanted to be happy. Which is an incredibly hard thing to accept when you’ve spent years silently accepting your own unhappiness as a fact of life.

As such, everything that has occurred since chapter 17 has been Taka’s attempt at constructing a new personality, in a way. A personality that marries the beliefs and goals he has always had while also combining them with a new sense of happiness and contentment in his life that before now he’s never felt. And this… this is so, so hard for him to do.

And it gets harder when his and Mondo’s relationship shifts. When he gets a taste of something he’d previously not allowed himself to ever, ever feel. Which brings us to the questions of why, exactly, I put so much sexual content into this story, despite it not seeming like something Taka would really want to do in canon.

Because… it’s not about pleasure. Right? It was never about pleasure or desire. It was about Taka allowing himself to feel something that every human feels (or, you know. Not every human. But a lot). It was about making Taka acknowledge that he is feeling these ‘impure,’ ‘sinful’ desires and allowing him to feel it. And, of course, this can be overwhelming. Taka has never allowed himself to feel these sorts of things before, had always pushed them so far down he couldn’t even see them. So far down he could pretend they weren’t there.

But they were. They always were. Taka can feel desire and attraction. He can feel them just fine. The whole point of the sexual content was to show Taka that it is okay to feel like that and that it’s not wrong or immoral. That Taka can feel attracted to someone, a man especially, and not feel ashamed. But more than that, it’s about allowing Taka to acknowledge that can be who is he in general without shame. That he doesn’t always have to be ‘perfect’ or infallible. That he can just be… Taka.

The biggest problem in all of this, however, is the fact that Taka is not the only character in this story. He’s not the only one going through a metamorphosis. Because Mondo? Oh, you can bet your sweet behind I was making Mondo go through his own metamorphosis, too.

Because everything I said about Taka up until now? I also feel about Mondo. I view Mondo’s tough guy, biker persona just like I view Taka’s upright, moral one. It’s a facade. Something that is hiding what is truly going on under the surface. It protects their soft, gooey innards, keeping them both safe whilst also providing them a sense of being. Of belonging.

But it’s not healthy. Hiding behind a persona, not letting your true emotions show. It’s unhealthy and leads to, you know… pain and unhappiness. And Mondo… Mondo also strikes me as a somewhat unhappy character. His disconnect in the game is less towards other people, however, and more towards himself. Makoto acknowledges many times after speaking with Mondo during free time events that he has a hidden side to him. A softer, ‘cuter’ side that he tries (and fails, ha) to keep hidden.

Like with Taka, I wanted to break Mondo’s carefully constructed persona and remove this hidden person inside him. I wanted to bring that person to the surface, finally allowing Mondo to stop feeling like he has to hide behind anger and rage and being ‘strong’. I wanted… I don’t know. To allow Mondo to not feel so ashamed of his weaker side, I guess.

This was a lot harder to do than with Taka, though, for a couple reasons. One, I was not writing from Mondo’s perspective in TPWP, which means all of his metamorphosis was being seen through the eyes of another. Which is not always easy to portray, sadly. For another, Mondo has a huge reason to keep his inner self hidden and locked away. Taka’s reason is shame and a desire to prove himself, right? This, in my eyes, is fairly simple to deconstruct. All you have to do is find a way to remove the shame and realize that it’s okay to feel what you feel. And yes, this is challenging, but… it’s not impossible.

Mondo, though? What’s keeping Mondo back isn’t just shame and a desire to prove himself. No. What’s holding Mondo back is guilt. Mondo feels guilty for his weakness. He feels guilty that his supposed ‘weakness’ killed his brother. He feels guilty that this same ‘weakness’ is preventing him from telling the truth, from accepting the responsibility for his supposed crime. Mondo, in many ways, hates himself. In this story, at least. And guilt is a much, much harder emotion to deconstruct than shame. There’s also the fact that I made Mondo an abuse survivor, which adds another element into this all that I won’t get into since this whole thing is already much longer than I’d initially intended, oof.

Anyway. The point here is that both Taka and Mondo are going through this metamorphosis at the same time. And I did this purposely since I wanted to have them help each other grow. Right? Because I view Taka and Mondo as very similar characters. They both have a need to prove themselves and a sense of inner righteousness that guides them in what they do. They just took opposite paths in their expression of these things. But ultimately, at their core, Taka and Mondo are very similar in my eyes.

Honestly, that’s part of why I had them hate one another in the beginning (on top of the fact that they didn’t get along in the game at first either, ha). That was each of them seeing themself in the other, and absolutely hating what they saw. Because they hate themselves. Because they cannot stand the persona they’ve created. Because it’s such a painfully false front that it’s almost offensive to them to see it on another.

Chapter ten was my way of letting them acknowledge a sense of self love for the first time. By accepting the other as flawed, but still fundamentally good, it allowed them to see themselves in a somewhat positive light for the first time. To accept that this person they once hated with all of their heart is… not that bad when it comes down to it. And not only are they not that bad, but they’re actually kind of amazing, really.

I… hm. I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I am very tired and am kind of just rambling at this point. I guess I just… I wanted to acknowledge that I’ve changed both of these characters a lot from canon, Taka especially. And this change has been expressed in a great way in Taka’s increased sexuality. And that I know this, that I know this isn’t really what canon Taka would act like, but that’s kind of the point. As much as I love Taka as a character, he’s kind of one dimensional. All of the characters in Danganronpa are. I think, in a way, they’re meant to be. But when you spend time with them, during the free time events and the school mode, you begin to see a slightly more well-rounded picture.

But it… it still feels a little flat to me. A little hollow. So, in this story, I just… wanted to flesh out these characters that I like and see so much potential in. I wanted to take them, give them tragic backstories, and see if I could find a way to give them balance. To keep them somewhat the same as they once were, to not fully remove their canon aspects, but not have that be their sole, defining characteristic anymore. Taka is still the Ultimate Moral Compass, and Mondo is still the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader. But that’s not all they are. Not by the end of the story.

Now, did I succeed in my plan? I… honestly, I don’t know. This entire thing was never something I consciously thought of while writing. It was more… a desire of mine, which might be why I’m having such a hard time describing it here, ha. It’s up to all of you to determine if I succeeded in writing these characters in a way that respects their canon characterization, while also adding a sense of balance within them.

Also— not to sound pretentious (though I know I am, oof. I always am when dead tired, sorry)— but in a way, this whole story was a metaphor for self-acceptance and self-love. And allowing yourself to find peace in who and what you are, no matter what. I made Taka and Mondo literary parallels in this story for a reason, giving them similar backstories (Taka was abused by bullies and neglected by his father; Mondo was abused by his father and neglected by his mother. Mondo’s brother died, leaving a hole in his heart; Taka’s mother died, leaving a hole in his heart. Taka watched his grandfather fall from grace and used that as a catalyst to ‘better’ himself, thus hiding all the unpleasant and unsavory aspects about himself; Mondo watched his brother die and used that as a catalyst to ‘better’ himself, thus hiding all the unpleasant and unsavory aspects about himself… etc.) to showcase this metaphor, in a way.

And it… it was to show that them helping the other grow symbolizes allowing yourself to grow, too. It symbolizes taking all the harsh and ugly parts of yourself that you hate, seeing it in another person, and realizing you actually love them, really. It symbolizes showing kindness to yourself for your faults, something I personally struggle with. By having Taka and Mondo love one another so fiercely, even without fully knowing why… it symbolizes, in my mind, letting you love yourself.

And, like… I know how pretentious this sounds, ha. And I don’t think I really succeeded in portraying all of this, unfortunately. But I just… I don’t know. I love the idea of Taka and Mondo and I wanted to write a story where they love one another unconditionally, while at the same time learning to love themselves too.

In many ways, I wish I had made this story take place over the span of a longer amount of time. Three months is just… it’s too quick to do everything I wanted to do in this story. Like I’ve said before, this story was never meant to be so long, word count wise. And a lot of what I wrote about here was not really planned when I started writing. While I wanted to deconstruct Taka, I didn’t really realize how long that would take, oof. Or what it all would entail. I thought three months would be plenty of time in universe, but then more and more things started happening, and by the time I realized it would need more time to progress naturally, I had passed the point of no return, pretty much.

If I could do this story all over again, I think I’d make it take place over the span of a year instead. I’d start the school year in April, like it’s supposed to be in Japan, and extend the amount of time Taka and Mondo were enemies. I’d have them become friends shortly before summer break and when they come back, have them go through the beginnings of their friendship like I had it in the story, but allowing it more time to progress. Taka and Mondo would still have their fight on Halloween, since that’s kind of an important aspect of that chapter, but they’d have had a longer time to be friends before that occurred. And then, after that, they’d have their physical relationship progress a lot more naturally and less hurriedly, the relationship spanning from perhaps right before winter break begins to the end of the school year in Japan, which is March. It would give them more time to come to terms with everything and accept themselves.

Part of me honestly kind of does want to change around TPWP to do this, but it would change a lot of fundamental parts of the story, which would be a lot of work. And if I was planning on publishing this story, I’d definitely do it since I think it would fix a lot of the problems that I have with how this story progresses. Three months is not long enough to completely deconstruct your entire personality, really. A year is a lot better and makes more sense to me. But, as it stands, I… I like TPWP. Is it perfect? No. But… that’s kind of the point? Nothing is perfect and if I allow myself, I’ll keep digging myself into more and more holes with this story, and at some point, I just… have to acknowledge I did the best I could and move on. Also, I do think that having it take place over three months isn’t completely unrealistic. Not with how unhappy both Taka and Mondo already had been. And there are some things that would be unrealistic if it took place over a year, too, so… eh.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this anymore, dear god. I’m going to go back to my original point real quick and hopefully finish this now hour long, rambling rant I’ve for some reason been going on. Jeez.

So. The purpose of the sexual content in this story. It— like a lot of other things in this story— was more meant as kind of like… a metaphor. It’s not about the sex, it’s about self-acceptance. Taka spent so many years denying himself and his sexuality, fearing it and feeling ashamed of it. By allowing himself to be sexual and intimate with Mondo, he’s accepting that aspect of himself and embracing it. But, because he spent so long denying it, he doesn’t quite know when it’s too much. He’s spent his life pushing down his discontent and discomfort to become what other people want him to be, and as such, he doesn’t quite know where his own boundaries lie.

And I’m going to be quite honest with y’all: Taka doesn’t enjoy the sexual acts quite as much as he thinks he does. No, I’m not saying that Mondo is taking advantage of Taka, or that Taka hates what they’re doing, not at all! Just… Taka feels uncomfortable with the things he and Mondo are doing, but because he enjoys the sensation and enjoys being close to Mondo, he pushes down the feeling of discontent, like he’s done all of his life. He just… doesn’t know what else to do. He knows he likes being close to Mondo, knows he enjoys the things they do together, but can’t quite put his finger on the fact that he doesn’t really enjoy being sexual. That he only likes the sexual acts because it’s the only way he can be close to Mondo in the way he wants, both physically and— in a way— emotionally.

And part of Taka does realize this, right? The deep, deep, hidden part of himself that only comes out at night when everything else is silent. I call this the ‘introspective’ part. But this is a hard part of yourself to access and acknowledge. Especially when you’re young. I, personally, am a very introspective person. It’s why I can write about emotions and feelings decently, and why I am currently writing this little introspective about TPWP. But it was a lot harder for me when I was a teen to realize what that introspection meant. It’s why I didn’t realize I had undiagnosed anxiety until I was eighteen and in college, which was ironically a lot easier for me than high school was. It took me being out of the situation I was in to look at myself and realize exactly why I felt what I felt, even though I knew I felt that stuff much earlier.

Taka’s still in his bad situation, though. He’s still struggling with the desire of what he wants and what he’s forcing himself to settle for. And, basically, he doesn’t understand why he’s unhappy at being sexual. He knows on a base level that he is, but he can’t quite place his finger on the why. Which is, as I’ve said, because it’s not really what he wants. He’s settling for having Mondo in whatever way he can because he thinks he has to. But it’s not what he wants, and it’s honestly killing him inside to be so close to his desired outcome, but not have it. He hates that the only way he can have Mondo is in such a shallow, debased way, but he’s forced himself to believe that this is all he will ever have, and that he must be happy with it or else he will lose it, like he’s lost every good thing in his life before that point. And the thought of losing what he and Mondo have is just… it’s too much for him. He’s still figuring himself out, still building his new personality from the ruins of the old, and he kind of needs Mondo to help prop him up as he does this.

(Which is, by the way, unhealthy in a relationship. It’s very codependent and can lead to some negative outcomes in its own right. But this rant of mine has been going on for almost two hours, so I’m not going to get into this right now. Just know that I know, and that it’s not intended to be portrayed as a good thing. None of Taka’s coping mechanisms are, which is why they all fail in the end, leaving him discontent. But as of now, Taka kind of needs Mondo, so he’s overlooking the potential negative outcome and is just allowing himself to have Mondo. Make sense?)

In the end, the only way for Taka to fully come to terms with everything that is swirling within him is to have Mondo acknowledge the love they share for each other, since he can’t accept everything about himself until Mondo does. He needs Mondo to look at him, look at his flaws, and say ‘I love you no matter what. You are not perfect, but I still love you.’ And while Mondo has done this to some degree, it’s not the love Taka not-so-secretly desires. But, like I said earlier, Mondo is going through his own metamorphosis and isn’t quite at that stage yet.

All of this comes to a head in the last three chapters of TPWP. Does everything get resolved by the end? No. Of course not. There’s just not enough time for that. Discovering yourself takes years, really. And you never finish. Even if I had elongated the amount of time this story takes place to a year, there still would be things unresolved when the story ended.

That being said, the main problems both Taka and Mondo are going through reach a conclusion. I don’t want to go too much into this to prevent spoilers, but just know that everything I brought up here? Gets some form of acknowledgment in the last chapters and gets some manner of resolution. And everything else was initially intended to be resolved in sequels, which may or may not be written, who knows. But TPWP ends in a way that even without further writing from my part, I firmly believe that all of y’all can see where Mondo and Taka will go from here. That it won’t be easy, but that they will eventually figure themselves out.

So… yeah. That insanely long and complicated rant boils down to this: Taka and Mondo being sexual is not really about them being sexual but is about them understanding and accepting their love not just for one another, but for themselves, too. It’s a catalyst. And I didn’t go over Mondo’s views on this all, and I won’t since this has gone on so long (plus I’ve not written Mondo’s perspective on those chapters yet, so even I don’t fully know, though I have ideas), but believe me when I say it’s more than just sex for him, too. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t really want to categorize this story as explicit at first, since it’s never been about the sex to me. It’s… more than that.

I don’t know if any of this made any sense, but I think I’m going to stop now. Maybe I’ll go back when I’m less tired and expand on this (and I’ll let y’all know if I do, writing after this break if I added anything or not) (I added a little to some parts and took out a couple of parts, but mostly this is the same thing I wrote between 5 and 7 am when I couldn’t sleep, ha), but for now, I’ll leave it.

And— final thing (that I added after trying to fall back asleep and failing, ha)— maybe I’m being more pretentious about my writing than it deserves. Maybe I’m saying all of this to try and excuse the flaws in my writing, like I always do internally. But… I don’t know. This is legitimately the sort of thing that went through my head whilst writing. I knew I wanted to put these elements in my story, even if I wasn’t consciously thinking about it, but trying to do all of that is just… hard. And I’m limited as a writer, I’ll acknowledge that. My thoughts are too big for my head and trying to write them all down is complicated for me. It’s why this little introspective is so long and rambling. It’s my way of trying to not just get you all to figure out what I mean, but also get myself to understand it. Because, while I know what I mean on an abstract, metaphysical level, I don’t really understand it all myself in a concrete, definable level. And this rambling is me trying to make sense of that. Does… does that make any sense at all? Or is this just gibberish? I don’t know. I think I understand it, but I have no idea if anyone else will. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway. I hope this didn’t come across as too pretentious or like I’m trying to show off how ~~intellectual~~ I am. That’s not my intention at all. It’s just… it’s how I think. And it’s how I show myself to the world, in a way. My written work is always so personal to me. I put a lot of myself into my work, sometimes intentionally, but often unintentionally. And I’m not saying I went through any of what I put Mondo or Taka through. In fact, almost none of it relates to my life at all. I was never abused by anyone, nor was I bullied in school. I have a fairly good relationship with my parents and was well liked by my classmates, even when I didn’t really go to class often due to illness. I am not impoverished, nor have I ever really faced high expectations from family or the people around me. I’ve never really had to anguish over my sexuality, since I accepted myself as asexual pretty easily, though I still struggle to be open about it with everyone. And I’ve never lost a loved one.

So… no. It’s not that I’ve gone through what the characters have gone through. But… the emotions. The feeling. All of that… it’s me. Even if it’s imagined or created, I feel everything that I write and put down. It’s why angst comes more naturally to me, since I’ve felt a lot of negative emotions in my life. And most of it is self-inflicted. Like… I mentioned that I never had high expectations from family, but I did from myself. I expected so, so much from myself, and I still do. And while I was always well liked by my peers, I still felt alienated from them, like I… I don’t know. Didn’t really belong. And I feared that if they ever got to truly know me, THEN they’d hate me, and that was just… I don’t know. Too much for me. The thought that these things could happen. That I could have good things and then, through my own personal failings, lose them.

These fears are where I come from when writing. My fear of being hated and isolated. My fear of never being enough. My fear of letting everyone down. My fear of always being alone and losing the people I love. I write about it in my stories and I… I find a way to fix it. To show myself that even if something like that did happen, it… it can get better. You can still be loved even if you are flawed and kind of broken inside. And maybe I don’t believe that I ever will find love, maybe I can’t believe that anyone would look at me like that if they truly got to know me, but it’s still nice to read about it. To see my fears in characters I love and have them be okay in the end. It’s why I always like to have at least somewhat happy endings in my stories. I need to see that it’s okay. That even if the worst-case scenario happened… I’d still be okay.

(Also, I know people are going to ask this, but please know that yes, I am okay. I get like this sometimes, where I think a lot about stuff, and it can be overwhelming, which is why I write it down. It’s funny that I’ve never had a diary or journal, since it seems like something that would help me, but writing things down for my personal perusal never made sense to me. It’s why I always post things like this. It’s really personal, but it helps me feel better. Like I’m being understood in some way. So, just… know that I’m doing alright. I just wanted to try and explain something that has been bugging me in this story for a while now that I finally found the words for. And by letting it out into the world, I can remove it from my chest, I suppose. But introspection doesn’t really upset me much. It’s cathartic more than anything. Painful and confusing while going through it but relieving once it’s done. All I ask is to be heard, that’s all. And understood if possible. If you’re willing.)

(Also also, please know that I wrote this little introspective several days ago while very tired, and I’m over this burst of emotions by now mostly. So, again, I’m really okay. And I’m not pulling a Taka, trying to pretend I’m doing alright when I’m not. I do mean it, ha.)

(Also also also, but y’all can see where I get my writing style from when looking at this, ha. This is basically my thought process written down, which is why TPWP is written the way it is. I write like I think, which is long, rambling, and emotive. Just a little fun fact. ^-^)

#Random ramblings #TPWP introspective

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sta-bright · 3 years

Text

My First Tumble

Hi Tumblr,

I was inspired to get a Tumblr account, believe it or not, from Netflix's 2021 four-part docu-series "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel." Although I highly doubt anyone cares enough to read any of my posts or has the attention span to read anything longer than a few sentences written by a 23 year old with her boobs out, *just in case,* SPOILER ALERT.

The (main) topic of the show focuses around Elisa Lam, who vanished in early 2013 when she was staying at the Cecil Hotel and was then found dead in one of the four water tanks on the roof 19 days after being reported missing (I think I have that correct but don't hold me to it, imaginary readers. It was something like that.).

Anyway, "...to make a long story short"... "too late" #cluereference, Elisa had a Tumblr blog. It seemed to be a good setup for how she was writing very personally, which is what I want to do, so here we go. I have a blog page for the business I own, but to be honest, it's geared more toward, well, business, so I don't feel like I can write freely, or only like the "good" or "normal" part of myself, the good stuff geared at an audience without scaring people away or whatever. So for this one, I don't really care as much about proper grammar or spelling, just somewhere to write my real thoughts if and when I can focus enough to sort them out enough to put them down. I have a bunch of journals, but they are all over the place and I can't write fast enough, so I'm going to try this out. I have a lot to say, and I think even just putting it out there even though I know no one cares might help me feel a little bit of relief, even if anyone does read it and might think I'm an idiot or whatever.

I wasn't sure what to name my blog, and I'm not sure if there's a way to change it in the future, but for now I have decided on "Sta-Bright." Most of my family and some of my close friends call me "Sta" and my partner David calls me Sta Bright, which I think is really cute and makes me happy, so here we are. I use the word partner because I think the word boyfriend is a little too young for us and our relationship warrants a higher level than that. ANYWAY, there is the background information for you, my new friend, Tumblr. I already feel better.

So, this show really pissed me off for a few (many) reasons. I've legitimately been pacing around all morning. First, even the title of the show is misleading. The death of Elisa Lam was not a "crime." It was a devastating incident of accidental death highly likely (as confidently confirmed by all professionals involved) related to a psychotic episode of her mental illness, Bipolar I, which I also happen to have. Netflix using the title "Crime Scene" to lure watchers in is disgusting within itself. Good for you, Netflix. Holla for the dollas! Make that money, baby.

Then, beyond the fact Netflix milked four episodes out of a glamorized case that was ruled an accidental death for this reason not even long after finding Elisa, it is the whole ordeal of the reality and dramatizing of this saga that is so sad.

Upon the release of the famous elevator footage the day she went missing, it went viral almost instantaneously.

*Hold please* I actually just read an article by BBC.com where director of the series, Joe Berlinger, says, "For the average viewer it's another compelling story you watch and then move on to the next. But for who this happened to, it's the worst moment in their life. It's a real tragedy for that person and that family." LOLOLOLOL OKAY JOE!!!! Is this why you spent FOUR EPISODES talking about bullshit theories to keep people hooked and open more discussion? You know that this is not out of respect. Shame on YOU!

"If you look at the other tellings of the story, you'd see she's the victim of some horrible, evil presence that took control of her.

"Those kinds of narratives, I think, are incredibly disrespectful and probably why the family just didn't want to deal with another show that was going to exaggerate the circumstances of the tragedy."

So is this why you made a show exaggerating the circumstances of the tragedy? Lol. "We need to talk about the ghost stories" Or do you need to talk about them to open a can of worms to more losers who fixate on the case? OR IS THAT JUST ME? I don't know. Lemme tell ya what. If anything ever happens to me, please make sure this Joe Schmuck doesn't make a pathetic docuseries about it.

Then, aside from the pathetic profit of Netflix, the actual details of what happened and how society and the "web sleuths" investigated, obsessed, and chimed in on this case is a whole other ballpark about society's minimization and lack of knowledge or respect for mental illness on its own.

THEN, there is a quote by Amy Price, the manager of the hotel during the incident, who is now profiting on a book she is writing about HER experience:

"I want to share my story," she says.

"But this isn't a horror story or anything like that. This is a story about struggle."

Okay, Amy. Whose fucking struggle are you writing about here? I legitimately don't know if she is referring to hers or Elisa's, but either way, it's gross.

It makes me so sad that this whole situation warranted MILLIONS of theories, millions of internet trolls writing articles about the "BIZARRE" death of this girl. This case is not fucking bizarre. It is unfortunate but it is not bizarre. This case was plastered all over internet lists with the titles "bizarre, unexplained cases of missing people." It's not unexplained, and it only was not for long.

These "web sleuths" were busy having a blast, going to the crime scene, smiling as they recorded, posting videos about their stupid theories. Trolls posting their dumb, far-fetched theories without knowing all of the facts, thinking they know better than the professionals, who DO have the findings, did do the labs, did do the investigations. And people still insist that THERE HAS TO BE MORE.

Of course, I don't know all the facts either. BUT, according to the actual professionals involved rather than the entire population of people who love a good "mystery," Elisa's toxicology results showed that her levels of the medications she was supposed to be on signified she had not been taking them as she should have been. They also found bottles of her medicine that had more pills than prescribed, also showing that she had not been taking them.

THEN, she was removed from the room she had been sharing with a few others due to "odd behavior" leaving weird post-its telling them to go away, or whatever. THEN, apparently going into the hotel lobby and screaming "I'm crazy!" or whatever it was.

Although all experiences with mental illnesses are unique, all of these details plus the footage, both detailing erratic behavior, leave no doubt in my mind that the professionals, SHOCKINGLY, CRAZILY, may be right! Who thunk it! I have legitimately acted in the ways described and shown in the video. I don't and couldn't understand HERS, but I understand MY paranoia, hallucinations, experiences I have had, and the actions that are presented, and I guarantee some would look very similar to that footage. Ask the few people who know me best what it's like when I'm not on my meds or fuck them up. I legitimately saw myself in her actions.

Yet, the internet losers had to fixate on a death metal artist who had stayed in the hotel for a few days A YEAR before any of this happened and legitimately ruined his life. His alibi was completely valid and he was dismissed by investigators. He was out of the country, he had tons of substantial paperwork and proof that he was, but that didn't matter.

Because no one takes bipolar disorder seriously, dismissing it as just mood swings, people being dramatic, seeking attention, being lazy, and everyone needs something more sensational, THIS wasn't even an option. They needed to fixate on crazy, fun conspiracy theories, watching the footage over and over and over again, sitting in their caves with their thumbs up their asses writing about their ballpark theories, internet bullying innocent people instead of doing any research on bipolar disorder, instead of defending or considering that it was a psychotic episode, which literally all of the official facts and footage present.

Clearly I'm not a professional either, but like... watch the show and you tell me. You tell me what you think is likely. You tell me what the professionals agree on. But before you make that call, try reading a little bit about bipolar disorder. Try reading about the psychotic episodes that can come with it. It probably won't change your mind, but oh well. It probably is just the hotel being haunted, ya know. Right? This is just my little rant that doesn't matter.

If you want to think it was a ghost, a demon, if it was a murder even though she literally had zero signs of any physical violence and there was zero evidence of it and all evidence the other way, you do that, boo. Have a blast. Hey, I 100% could be wrong, right? Absolutely. Who am I? Just a little dramatic, stupid, crazy nobody.

That's just my take, no better than any other internet trolls, I suppose. When all is said and done, in my little fantasy world, I guess people would just take bipolar disorder seriously and understand the severity of it. People would take it to consideration for the actions and words of those who have it. That's not fun, though. Everyone loves money, everyone loves a good story. Everyone loves making fun of people. Everyone loves a disability you can see. Everything I do is just me being an oddball. Everyone loves to be an internet bully.

I'm sorry for Elisa and her family who have had to deal with years of this. Years of people dismissing the severity of mental illness and obsessing over ghost stories, obsessing over the number of likes or views they get, money they make off of it.

Wow, that was a blast. I'm fairly confident no one will read this, but I feel a lot better that I put that out there. Again, I'm a little nobody, so nothing I say matters, but that's just my take on all of it. I've given up trying to convince anyone that I'm anything but weird, because I know no one will care or accept that. I'll just keep making people feel uncomfortable and keep looking like an idiot. Woe is me, am I right?

You have a blessed day now.

#mental health #mentalhealthmatters #bipolar disorder #bipolar 1 #fuck you netflix

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razorblade180 · 3 years

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I love writing Ilia. I've a lot of self discovery I reflect on the version of her that I write but I find myself fearful of the world daring me to use her for that. As if her being a lesbian is non-negotiable even though I've been in a relationships with someone who was a lesbian prior. Being childhood friends meant that we could look passed established preferences and see someone as a partner regardless. It was a part of discovering who we were but there's this looming anxiety of even wanting to share that part of my past in a character I feel could deliver it.

How do you deal with sharing that? You've a courage to be admired for writing a demi-Ilia, but how do you keep the fear criticism from getting to you?

I’ll be straight up honest and say sometimes I don’t; especially starting out. I think I played around with Sunshower in my head for a solid 8 months before even introducing the idea. There’s even sometimes till this day I want to write a simple fluff post about a ship and I don’t use Sun and Ilia because I don’t feel like stirring any pot and I want that post to gain notes. Not exactly the best reason but most creators can agree it sucks to make something that’s barely noiced. That being said, I’m happy to say that rarely happens nowadays and there’s a few key reasons for this.

First of all, I’d like to thank people like you and my other active followers for not only letting me know that you admire/adore this, but for coming to my defense respectfully to others who are rude in my thread. That genuinely means a lot and inspired confidence.

Second, I’ve come to terms that no matter what, there’s gonna be someone online that will be rude for some reason or another about any given thing I say. I am not above just hiding those comments or blocking those people. Most insults are weightless and I just make them disappear that way when it leaves my head, there’s nothing around for me to remember it. Others get flat out ignored. The only time insults grab my attention and I comment back are ones that sound really stupid, because I have a problem letting people just be stupid. They gotta know to a degree how insane they sound. I must work on not doing that. 😅

Third, I understand what I’m getting into vs what I’m doing. This isn’t my first rodeo. I understand why people would have a problem with what I’m doing and how there are other people who all but blatantly try to disrespect/erase what makes a character resonate with an audience. That is indeed rude, offensive and calls aggressive people forward. However, I understand that’s not my intention and that I’m not erasing anything. I’m not writing a story where Ilia wakes up one day and decides “I guess I’m straight now” or “I just had a phase.” No, Ilia is still very much into women and tussles with this feeling of being into this guy because that’s her friend and also being into guys is not a normal thing for her. Everyone knows this in the show and the fandom. We’re all the same page that this is different from the norm established and the story itself is trying explore and discover how that’s possible. I would blatantly write something to spit in the face of others. I can’t those who get offended but they also have to deal with the fact they can not read it or understand that I’m not attacking them.

The fourth is the most important reason. The slight anxiety I get from negative people does not come close to the joy and love I have for this story. There isn’t an ounce of my heart that doesn’t love making this, because it is this personal self expression piece to pretty big degree. I love writing a romance slow-burnish story about two people craving, yearning to be in love and accepted whole heartedly through all the insecurities; the mental and emotional loops they put theme through when the simple answer is just allow yourself to be in love and to be loved back. It’s how romanticize and envision the kind of love I want for myself. How could I not be thrilled to write it!? I put elements of that in multiple things. All my works are personal and intimate to myself to an extent. A person could argue if you’re that patient about it then why not write my own original story with it. One, those people are rude. Two, that’s a lot of work. Three, why wouldn’t I use perfectly good characters I can fit into this theme? Lastly, less people would read it. Fanfiction, I don’t gotta work for an audience lol! I pick characters that people already know and have an interest in. It hard to sell to people original characters; especially when you can’t draw.

Anyways, I hope this helped or made things clear. There’s two more important things I’ll leave off with. The first one is a bonus. If you’re ever anxious about what fans might think of what you’re doing, then take a step back and look at what already exists in comparison to what you’re doing. You realize certain things are kinda nonsense. People get angry because I want to write Sun and Ilia in this healthy relationship that explores their emotions even though that’s not canon, meanwhile some other account is drawing Cinder making out with Ruby or Jaune. Cinder, the woman that causes those characters immense trauma. I feel no shame in Ilia wanting to cuddle a guy.

Second thing is for anyone whose read all of this. Just wanted to say thanks and I genuinely love questions like these. I generally don’t talk much about myself or how my work relates to me because I don’t think people typically care and I’ve grown up in an environment where you simply don’t talk about yourself unless asked. I know I don’t need permission to talk about myself on my own goddamm account, but I get really excited when somebody gives me an excuse to talk about the things on my mind in detail in relaxation to my interests. Have a nice day.

#rwby #sun x ilia #rwby sunspots #rwby sunshower #ask me stuff #love

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heatherclowndler · 4 years

Text

An Open Letter To the Six Fandom

I'm gonna be real with you guys: I’m getting really tired of the moral superiority of some people in the Six fandom. Six is a barely historically accurate concert-musical where the queens fight about their trauma for an hour, but it’s about white women, so I guess that means that its #girlpower is so much more respectable than Hamilton being representation to POC.

If you think I'm not talking about you, I am, @historemix / @ghostheather . I’m fucking sick of your bullshit. How come every time you get called out for being a hypocritical bully, you have a little meltdown, say you'll be better, and then go back to the same bullshit as before?

Before I actually get into the reasons that you’re a hypocrite and a bully, I want to thank everyone that sent me the screenshots and testimonials used in this post. It’s good to know that multiple people are as fed up and disturbed by this behavior as I am, and it wouldn’t have been possible without you.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand. First and foremost, your obsession with being on a fucking high horse is embarrassing. Your self-congratulatory posts about the Six fandom being so much better than the Hamilton fandom is fucking laughable coming from you, and here's why.

Before you get on about the Hamilton fandom being toxic, and the major reason why you can't fuck with the musical, remember that much of the fandom are people of color: most of whom are also minors. And they’re often the first to be driven out of it– not by harmless headcanons and fanfics or kids being "cringy”, but racist, toxic ass adults, colorism, whitewashing and constant harassment. Black fans, minors especially, would be the first to tell you this, since there’s been multiple incidents on Tumblr and Twitter where Black fans have been harassed, called slurs, etc. just for liking the musical, and that isn’t even getting into the amount of shit that’s been sent to the Black cast members for being a part of it. But clearly you haven't been fucking bothered to read the posts of how Black people in this fandom and in the cast have been treated, because maybe if you did, you’d be quiet and think before you start spouting shit, instead of constantly putting Hamilton’s name in your mouth to say shit that you think will give you woke points with the funnymen crowd.

Do you really think that the same bloggers that make fun of Hamilton would see any difference between those fans and you, the adult stanning a musical where Real Life Catherine of Aragon, a character played by a black woman, owned slaves, and was the person that introduced slavery into England is portrayed as a strong, feminist Queen? Or how Catherine Parr, a woman who was complicit in child molesation and later got upset with said child for being a victim of sexual abuse, is portrayed as the ultimate feminist and hero of the musical? Or is it okay for you to talk about how these child-molesting slaveowners were oh so admirable and honorable because you "respect the history,” whatever the fuck that means.

Yes.. I'm sure white women from the 1500s would be so pleased about the fact that their history is being told by women that they thought were inferior to them based on the color of their skin.

Also sidenote, you may want to reconsider your definition of what is a respectable Six fan when you're writing a literal AU for your favorite dead queens. Sis, just say that you want to write Six fanfiction. There’s no shame in it– especially because the people that write Six fanfiction are more respectable than you are.

But speaking of history, you need to take off your clown mask and realize how ridiculous the notion that “respectable Six fans” are ones that have a genuine respect for Tudor history, because despite the fact that you say this, Six completely disregards the actual Tudor history.

Take the example of Boleyn. Anne Boleyn – a woman who was judicially murdered on false charges including incest with her brother, witchcraft, and adultery in part because she couldn’t give birth to a son and wouldn’t be a submissive wife to her husband – is reduced to a three minute comic relief song that makes light of her murder and states that yes, she actually was guilty of adultery, but she only flirted with those guys to make Henry jealous! Writing an entire song about a woman whose name has been dragged through the mud for nearly 500 years after she was murdered on false charges and then saying that she actually did do the thing that caused her to be executed is just peak #Feminism, am I right? And so is making light of her unjust execution by calling the song “Don’t Lose Your Head” and continuously making joking references to her being beheaded, I guess. Never mind the fact that Boleyn was reportedly near-suicidal and “ready to be done with life” by the time she was executed. Never mind the fact that the six fingers rumor – something that’s also repeated in the musical and presented as a fact – was started by Catholics attempting to quell people’s sympathies over Boleyn’s execution by attempting to make it seem like she actually was a witch and therefore deserved to die. None of that matters because Six is about feminism and it does the Queens justice, right?

And let’s not even get started on Catherine of Aragon. You know, the person who you've reblogged posts about that claim she was “a remarkable woman”, and that you’re apparently so sad about the fact that she died that you’ve made memorial posts about her knowing good and well that she was a garbage person who owned human beings? The same Catherine of Aragon that was reduced in the musical to only being angry that her husband cheated on her and wanted to divorce her, as well as bickering with Boleyn? The same Catherine of Aragon that also was reduced to constantly talking in the musical about how she was forced to move to a country where she didn’t know anyone? On that note, isn’t it funny how that works? Especially since she and her garbage family owned slaves, forced them to convert to Christianity and change their names to Spanish ones, and then forced them to come to England with Catherine when she moved there to marry Arthur Tudor!

All of the queens are dumbed down for the sake of the musical and it isn't until the very, VERY end of the musical that they all realize that fighting over who got the worse abuse from their husband is fucking stupid. And, even then, it’s still incredibly fucking problematic and gross because the Queen that makes them realize that the fight is stupid, and ultimately the Queen that’s praised for being the most feminist in the musical and by its creators, is the Queen that literally held her stepdaughter down while her husband molested her. If you’re really so damn upset about how much Hamilton and its creator glorify the Founders that it ruined your ability to enjoy the musical when that musical at least still acknowledges the fact that Presidents Washington, Jefferson and Madison owned slaves (and its creator acknowledging that none of the Founders were good people), why aren’t you upset about how Six portrays Catherine Parr and Catherine of Aragon as feminists when they were a child molester and a slave owner, respectively, and it's never acknowledged in the musical? Why isn’t your enjoyment of Six ruined by the fact that the Six creators praise Child Molester Parr and Slaveowner of Aragon for being strong feminists, or the Six Instagram calling Ferdinand and Isabella (you know, the people that committed genocide against Black people in Spain, had others tortured and executed for their race&religious beliefs, and literally caused Columbus’s colonization of the Americas [and by extension, the Transatlantic Slave Trade] to begin) a “power couple”?

The entire premise of Six is flawed, arguably even more so than Hamilton’s, because at least Hamilton actually did what it sets out to do throughout the entire musical, and not just the last five minutes. But even so, the basic plot idea remains– fictionalized (heavy emphasis on the fictionalized, Heather!) versions of real people fighting to tell their story. So, if the creators of Six cast aside historical accuracy for the sake of creating a diverse and modern take on the Queens’s lives and you eat it up as much as you do, why should we give a shit when Hamilton does the same thing? Since you love Six so much, you clearly fucking don't, because otherwise you’d be shitting on Six just as much as you like to shit on Hamilton. It really just goes to show how much of a hypocrite and a pick-me ass bitch you are, because the fact that you love Six makes it really obvious that you only care about hating Hamilton so much because it’s a stance that you think will give you more street cred with the Tumblr and Twitter crowds.

^^ The absolute hypocrisy of you reblogging this when you regularly make posts and reblog posts of you and other people doing the same thing with Hamilton and its fandom. Embarrassing.

I'm saying this as someone who enjoys Six’s songs and also has common sense and brain cells– they're fictionalized versions of real people, and those real people were shitty. And that’s okay. But you need to stop embarrassing yourself and acting like you’re morally superior to people that enjoy Hamilton when your core arguments for enjoying Six literally could also be said for Hamilton, and your core arguments for hating Hamilton could be said (and would definitely apply better) to Six. I see you all the time making the argument about how important it is for Six fans to see an all-woman cast, do you think Hamilton fans of color can't make the argument that they feel it's important to see a cast with over 95% POC? How for those teens, it brought them into giving musicals a try in the first place (this is just one of many examples)? How Hamilton's overwhelming success brought jobs to so many actors of color, including helping some of them (most prominently, Daveed Diggs) make a stable enough income to give them a place to live and rest their head? When it paved the way for musicals like Six to gain popularity, too? Cognitive dissonance isn't a good fucking look on you, luv.

And don’t even try the "creator is problematic argument", bitch. You're all over Mean Girls, where the creator (Tina Fey) is shitty for a multitude of reasons, blackface and saying the n word included. Not to mention the Heathers musical, where the creators turn JD into a sympathetic villain and apologise for him when the director and writer of the original movie made it clear that JD wasn’t a character that people are supposed to sympathize with. It's a fucking joke that you go "I can't get behind a musical with a bad creator!" when you base your whole blog around a musical whose creator that's transphobic and antiblack, as well as a musical whose creators apologise for an attempted school shooter and use their musical to make him sympathetic. We know LMM is a piece of trash, but that doesn't give you the right to steamroll over fans (again, most of whom are minors of color) who just want to mind their business and enjoy a fucking show, like a pick-me ass theater kid you are.

And while we're talking about your hypocrisy, let's talk about your incessant harassment of a teenage Six fan for fucking months. You’ve instigated wave after wave of bullying towards a fan who was only 15 at the time when it started, for various reasons. I don’t give a fuck if you were just trying to “spread awareness” about their actions, or get them to change their ways, or whatever. You’re a grown ass fucking adult. If you see a minor in fandom – especially one that’s 3+ years younger than you – doing cringy/problematic stuff, let other minors be the ones to say something about it. Your harassment and creepy behavior around minors isn’t justified by the fact that you think that you’re doing something good.

This is just one of the many examples of you vaguing/posting about the teenage Six fan under the guise of trying to “spread awareness” about their reaction. This one is just fucking rude, especially because they’re a minor with ADHD/ADD that projects traits that they have onto fictional characters and vice versa. I’d expect you to know a lot about projecting onto characters and picking up traits from them, since you channel Heather Chandler and Regina George’s bitchiness and their consistent harassment of teenagers that they consider to be lesser than them into your internet persona and identity, am I right?

The potential end result doesn’t justify the means; but clearly you think it does since you never say shit about this teenager getting harassed until you get called out for your complicity in it, say that you never sent them any asks, promise you’ll do better about the way you interact with minors in fandom, repeat.

Not to mention the complete hypocrisy of this statement in the tags of one of the below posts– especially considering that you were the one that made it open season on this girl in the first place with your consistent vaguing about her and making joke posts about her with your friends when she was only fifteen. And on top of that, denying that you ever harassed Lizzie, claiming that your only crime was vague posting her – when you and your shitty friends posted memes about stuff that she had been doing and making it really clear in your vagues that it was about Lizzie. Just because you didn’t name her directly doesn’t mean that it wasn’t harassment, asshole.

Oh, and here you are, months earlier, admitting that you did cause her to get harassed and acknowledging that you named her? Interesting.

The fact that you say that you have to take responsibility for it, but you never fucking do? [Narrator Voice] Heather would not take responsibility for that.

And let’s not forget how after almost driving the girl to the point of suicide and after getting called out multiple times for it, you promised to be a better person, before running to Twitter and continuing to vague about her. And in addition to that, you making memes and joke posts about Jay, the black teenager who was also bullied almost to the point of suicide for minding his own fucking business and making some fucking fanart and quirky headcanons, is fucking nasty. To further stick your nose up at him and go “not my fandom” at him for drawing Trans!Jefferson art when your Tumblr icon is Anne Boleyn with a lesbian flag behind it and your Twitter icon is the same thing with Katherine Howard... the joke writes itself. Do I have to repeat my point?

Not to mention the fact that you fucking lied in your apology on your viral post about him, because you said that you only became aware of the fact that he was a Black teenager that was harassed after the post whent viral.. when someone told you months before (in the replies to the above post) that he was a Black teenager that was harassed relentlessly for his fanart and asked you to leave Hamilton fans of color alone. But clearly you still stand by your point about Hamilton fans. Who’s surprised?

And then after receiving a 22-anon thread where anon presumably called you out on your hypocrisy of this, you still went to Twitter and started bitching about the fact that you were called out despite saying that you were deeply ashamed and that you would do better. Yet another example of Heather the Hypocrite, am I right or am I right?

You really switch up from “I feel incredibly ashamed and I want to reassess where to go forward from here” on Tumblr to “I hate Tumblr purity culture” when you’re on the safety of your Twitter account like clockwork. And it’s awfully bold of you to mention Tumblr purity culture like you didn’t cause waves of harassment to be sent to a 15/16 year old girl to the point where she felt paranoid that someone was going to come to her house and attack her, and later make memes/joke posts about a Black minor who was harassed to the point where he tried to commit suicide and later had to get rid of his online presence altogether for his own safety.

Also, you posted the IP address of the anon who called you out, and tagged them as “asshole” on the website that you use to track IP addresses. But you genuinely felt ashamed, right? You wanted to change and reassess yourself, right? (The anon’s IP address has been blocked out by me to protect their privacy, because the person who sent in this screenshot didn’t black it out, either.)

And even then, aside from all that, your actions have caused multiple minors in the Six fandom to feel uncomfortable. Below are testimonials about your behavior, and how it’s made minors in the Six fandom feel. One of these is also a reply on a post that called out your behavior. (URLs and icons on both Tumblr and Discord are blacked out to protect their privacy.)

Take in what these testimonials are saying. The fact that your behavior with harassing minors has grown so much that people are afraid to post in the Six tags and express their love for the musical because they don’t want to get harassed by you and your group of friends is concerning.

You, a grown adult, have made minors scared to be themselves and do things their way. You’ve created a culture of fear in a fandom where over 80% of its active fans are minors. You should have been leading by example, showing Six fans how the message of uplifting women should be implemented, but instead? You caused a floodgate of harassment to be sent to a then-15 year old girl that got so bad that she was suicidal and paranoid that people would come to her house, and it ended with even more minors afraid to post in the fandom’s tag because they’re afraid that you and your shitty friends will come for them, too. Shit, I was a follower for a while! I had only unfollowed due to your moral high horse, but it wasn't long before I was made aware about your history of bullshit.

You shouldn’t just be ashamed of yourself– you should be mortified with yourself. And your little friend group should be, too: not only because of their part in all of this, participating in harassing and making fun of that poor girl with you, but because of the fact that they keep enabling you to do this harmful shit by not properly shutting you down or calling you out. But it's not like you care anyways, because you’ve made fun of people voicing their concerns about your behavior and calling you out for making the fandom an unsafe space.

"But I said I'm sorry-" Yeah, we know. We saw a series of half-assed “I'm sorry” posts, paired with you not taking real responsibility for any of the harm you’ve caused. And clearly you didn't actually mean anything you said, because you kept doing it again. And again, and again, and again.

By the way, Heather, the implication that you would be indicted for murder if Lizzie committed suicide despite never speaking to her isn’t just an implication: it’s a literal fact that people can be prosecuted for manslaughter/murder without ever laying a finger on the suicide victim. This includes cyberbullying.

It means nothing to admit you're a hypocrite and do nothing to improve, especially because you’ve said this same exact “apology” multiple times, almost word from word. You're a grown fucking adult that vicariously lives out her dream of being a highschool bully through Tumblr by harassing teenage girls on the internet, and it gives me secondhand embarrassment. Grow the fuck up already, Heather. You’re 20 years old.

You're always harping about how the Six fandom is becoming toxic and embarrassing without considering the fact that you’re one of the toxic ass adults that make children embarrassed and ashamed to be a part of their fandoms. Whenever they do something even slightly cringy, and not even genuinely problematic like some of the other shit in the Six fandom, you’re quick to be like “This isn’t respectable,” “The Six fandom is going to be the next Hamilton fandom,” or whatever the fuck else you say. Teenage girls calling Boleyn a gremlin and making headcanons about the queens siblings/children is not the end of the world, and the fact that you act like it is when you’ve actively created a culture of fear in a fandom that’s mostly made up of teenage girls is embarrassing and disgusting.

I don’t care about whatever apology or sob story you’re going to say after you see this post, because in the end, it’ll just be an empty promise as long as you stay on here. At best, you’ll say that you’re going to do better and leave Tumblr for what, a month? Only to bitch on your Twitter account for the entire month, then come back to Tumblr and do the same exact thing that I’m calling you out for.

You need to stay away from minors in fandom. As a matter of fact — stay out of fandoms that are mostly made up of minors as a whole. You’ve proven time and time again that you don’t care about the safety or feelings of minors, nor do you care about actually “improving” or reassessing yourself every time you get called out. The fact that you’ve been called out for the same things via being indirected on a Tumblr post (linked here), being sent multiple anons by different people (shown above), and being sent a 22-anon thread by one single person calling you out (stated by you above), and you still haven’t changed? Is all of the proof that I need that you won’t change.

That’s all I have to say to you.

People in the Six fandom, I’m heavily urging you not to continue giving this person a platform. I can’t force you to do anything, but you all deserve the right to know what’s been going on. Aside from her hypocrisy about Six, it’s historical figures, and its fandom as a whole, she’s been involved in harassing a minor to the point where she felt paranoid and wanted to leave the fandom on separate occasions, made jokes about another minor in a different fandom that was harassed to the point of attempting suicide on multiple occasions (then lying and claiming that she was never told he was a Black minor who was harassed after she was called out due to a post she made about him going viral when someone told her months before that he was all of those things in the notes of another post she made about him), and other minors have posted/stated that they feel her behavior went too fair, and that because of it they feel unsafe posting stuff in the fandom.

She’s been called out on her behavior on multiple different occasions, and each time she said that she would reassess her behavior and discuss how her actions were toxic. People have given her multiple chances, and each time, she’s gone back to the same toxic behavior and done the very things that she claimed she would stop doing. It’s getting ridiculous at this point, and her actions have gotten to the point where it seems like the only course of action is to call her out publicly.

Like Heather herself said, and I will now brilliantly quote because karma is a bitch: “If you keep making the same “mistake” MULTIPLE TIMES, people aren’t gonna be happy about it.” She isn’t exempt from criticism, especially when this stuff has happened multiple times and she hasn’t done anything to change her behavior. Listen to what she said, and hold her accountable.

Again, I can’t force you to do anything, but I hope that everyone in the Six fandom keeps what was said in this post in mind the next time they consider interacting with her or her content. Take care.

#six the musical #six musical #if youre in the six fandom pls reblog this to spread awareness. this has gone on for long enough #ghostheather

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jcmorrigan · 3 years

Note

Do you support anti-harassment and pro-shipping?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: This is an issue I’ve been monitoring and grappling with for a long time, and I feel like while my core philosophy has been the same for a while now, the nuances I’ve held shift every so often. I don’t identify as an anti. I just don’t. I think shipping things - be it incest, adult/minor, or one of the many flavors of abusive - is an ENTIRELY separate issue from wanting to do that IRL. I think sometimes people just want to write taboo topics for various reasons. Because the topics themselves are taboo and that’s interesting, because they offer methods of coping, even because some people are kinda into projecting upon the person on the losing end of the power dynamic and being dominated and kicked around, since that’s not something you should really chase in real life (unless it’s during a roleplay with a network of safewords).

There are many ships I think are gross, but I don’t want people to stop shipping them because I don’t like them. I don’t like ships that involve anyone under 13 with anyone over 18. I don’t like ships that involve anyone under 18 with anyone over 30. (Aging up is a whole different matter; if you write the younger character older and legitimately have them behave the way you think they would as an adult, it’s all good.) I REALLY don’t like ships where a character is either confirmed homosexual or only shown onscreen to be attracted to the same gender in a big-deal reveal sort of way (if the character has crushes on many genders or the creator uses Word of God to say they’re bi/pan, it’s fine) and the ship involves putting them with someone of the opposite gender (shipping them with enbies is fine). And no, I don’t think it’s a double standard that I sometimes like to do same-sex ships for characters who are coded very very straight. But this is all to do with my tastes and beliefs, not with what I think the rest of you all should do. If you like something that falls in my personal no-no category, then go ahead and do it. I’ll decide how much I want to interact with you, and that says more about our potential chemistry as a unit than it does about you as a person. And if you have boundaries yourself - if age-gap ships skeeve you out - then that doesn’t make you a bad person or even an anti! Just block as needed, talk to friends if you feel betrayed by them, and recognize what it is you don’t like and that you don’t have to like it.

Selfshipping? Do what you want. Again, I might personally have reservations about shipping with somebody too young (I actually perceived my own main f/o as in his twenties when I first watched his source, then saw Word of God say he was NINETEEN actually, even though that invalidates many many jokes about how he’s bad at adulting, so I just said “fuck it” and he’s at least 24 to me because that makes more sense and is more of my comfort zone). But what I like shouldn’t dictate what YOU do. I might give you a little side-eye if you’re shipping with somebody young, but I don’t know your reasons for doing so and I don’t have the right to judge. I might distance myself from certain situations if I’m feeling skeeved out. Or I might not feel skeeved out depending on how it’s handled. I also again would raise a brow if you’re selfshipping with an opposite-gender gay character, but same principle: you have your reasons, you shouldn’t stop because some rando (me) has an issue with your ship, and if I have a problem with how you handle it, I’ll just peace out on my end and not make a deal out of it.

A lot of this comes from the fact that I have mega OCD and I already try to moralize everything I do and hyper-analyze my choices to make sure I am being a Good Person. If I try to follow the “rules” to make my ships palatable to everyone, then I start worrying that any deviation makes me unforgivable. The vast majority of ships in my deck are squeaky-clean and have no problems, but sometimes I’ll get, like...Ventus/Papyrus, where Ven is 15, and Papyrus is in age limbo but I always thought he was at least 18, and then I don’t want to spiral into a moral crisis because I really think it would be cute to put the anime boy with the skeleton and I think they’re both asexual anyway. Or when I aged up Zevon from Descendants in order to make him make more sense as Yzma’s son, and then I had to give him a ship with an adult and I found one I really like (Kamdor from Power Rangers). And this is not even scratching the very complex issue of “The writers of this piece of fiction were ACTUALLY horny for incest and I can see the subtext for it and now I gotta figure out what to do with this mess because I like the series and I do want the characters to have partners who will treat them right.”

That said...up until recently, I looked up to the more extreme proship community, even so far as to kinda be more of an “anti-anti.” But as time went on, that...didn’t seem to fit. I’ve unfollowed a few of those blogs now because first of all, proshipping as a “political party” seems to come with some things I don’t believe in, such as forming a parasocial relationship with AO3 or saying that freedom of fans to ship what they want means the creators of mainstream media should be allowed to portray whatever they want and that being “critical of media you consume” is an automatic dogwhistle for bullies. More importantly: I have at least one friend who I know leans more anti, and I value her a lot and I think it’s valid for her to have her boundaries. After a while, the things that anti-antis did to protect themselves from bullying started to feel a little bit like bullying right back. I can’t really call myself a traditional proshipper anymore, even though I’m definitely not an anti. But I don’t want to be an “anti-anti” either. Because actually, I USED to be an anti on a different social media platform long before Tumblr, and though I can’t tell you exactly why I was that way, I can understand what it’s like to feel that strongly about things that gross you out and want to get them out of your face. I don’t want to say I’m against a whole bunch of people who are probably as varied in intensity as proshippers are.

At the end of the day, what I want is for us all to CHILL OUT. Can we please, PLEASE just focus on having fun in whatever way that comes - problematic ships or no - so long as people IRL aren’t getting hurt? Can we respect that there are probably a LOT of people with OCD on social media who spiral easily if shamed too much (which is probably how the anti movement rose in the first place - I’m sure my anti phase was fueled by my secular scrupulosity)? Can we not assume that people who ship weird age gaps are Actual Pedophiles, which is an entirely separate issue? (Listen...I grew up in the Age of AkuRoku. I hated AkuRoku. But if all the AkuRoku shippers turned out to be pedos, well, the news sure didn’t cover it. I’m saying the majority of them didn’t. And it’s been a decade.) Can we not spread the fear of being cancelled or that having a certain fictional preference will ruin a budding friendship? Can we communicate with one another in private if a friend says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, such as shipping something that makes you question their moral stance? Can actual legitimate creators of media not take sides in the goddamn pro/anti war, thereby making groups of their fans feel alienated from being welcomed by the source? Can we just have fun PLEASE?

Also, just...stop fighting about Reylo. That’s the dumbest thing to fight over and we managed to somehow get the actual SW crew in on that dumbass fight. Some people like Reylo and some people hate Reylo and THAT’S IT. WE’RE DONE HERE.

It sure says something that I worry, before hitting the Post button, that this might ruin some of the relationships I have or inspire a mass exodus of the followers whose names I come to like seeing in my notifications. But it’s ultimately better for all of us if I’m honest.

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missfangirll · 3 years

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Glazed

Part 3 of “All the right places” Part 1: Snapped Part 2: Mended

Someone on AO3 requested a third part, so here we are...It’s not really what I wanted it to be, but it refused to be a crackfic and demanded to be taken seriously. ^^

Read on AO3

Monday

Once more Shen Wei was glad that his Black Cloak Envoy outfit came with a mask and a hood. A long time ago he had told Kunlun that the mask was crucial to not let see his enemies his fears. While that still held true, he discovered that it could hide a whole variety of emotions.

What Shen Wei felt right now was a peculiar mix of anger, shame and utter mortification. Anger at himself, that he hadn’t trusted Yunlan; shame that he ruined his surprise and mortification, because now he felt the eyes of the whole SID team burning into him when he so much as breathed.

It was horrible, and the worst part was that he had to endure it alone. Zhao Yunlan had been called to an emergency meeting with the Minister and Shen Wei was stuck at the headquarters with the rest of the team.

Sunday had been comparably fine; they had stayed in, cooked together and Shen Wei had endured Zhao Yunlan’s good-natured teasing. It had been fine. Until the call.

Some landlady had checked on one of her missing tenants and had discovered a scene out of a horror movie, with blood pools and scorch marks on the ceiling. The summoned police officer had taken one look at it and immediately called Zhao Yunlan, who in turn had called the SID and informed the Minister.

Which is how Shen Wei, in his role as Hei Pao Shi, found himself on an SID sofa, sweating under his hood, some gruesome crime scene photos in front of him. He tried to focus on the task at hand, but his thoughts and gaze kept returning to the people around him.

Da Qing, Yunlan’s second-in-command-best-friend-who-is-also-a-cat, who currently sprawled haphazardly over his sofa, munching on some dried fish. He had thrown one very scrutinising look at Shen Wei when he entered the SID via portal, and since then had carefully avoided his gaze. Shen Wei wasn’t sure what Zhao Yunlan had told him when he had called him the day before, but he wasn’t sure either if he wanted to know.

Shen Wei turned a bit to see Chu Shuzhi better. The puppet master, who was the only one here who respected Shen Wei more than Zhao Yunlan. Well, had respected, Shen Wei winced internally. After his performance last Friday he was probably lucky that Lao Chu hadn’t chewed him out personally, although that might still follow when they weren’t hunting the Dixing equivalent to Freddy Kruger. Shen Wei fought the impulse to hide his face in his hands.

Then again, he mused, if he had to atone for his behaviour, he might as well start with Xiao Guo. The newbie was the most susceptible member of the team and also the only one who had greeted Shen Wei with a heartfelt smile earlier. Probably not the worst idea. In any case better than trying to talk to Zhu Hong. Shen Wei shivered involuntarily. His relationship to the Snake Yashou had been fragile before…well, before, and he was certain it hadn’t helped at all that he had handled Yunlan so roughly. Shen Wei smothered a groan and tried to focus on the photos.

There was a large blood pool in the middle of the room with a circular pattern on the walls around it, as if something – or someone, he corrected mentally – had been dropped into the puddle. Completing the ghastly scene he saw a few black spots under all the blood, black energy residue. Whatever had happened to the tenant, whose body had been found crumpled and almost beyond recognition, it surely hadn’t been pleasant.

Da Qing scratched his head. “What I don’t understand”, he said, “is that nobody heard anything. I mean”, he pointed at a photo, “that looks like he was thrown around in the room. Surely that hasn’t happened quietly. Hei Pao Shi, do you know any Dixing power that could, I dunno, make an apartment soundproof?”

Shen Wei startled out of his reverie, painfully aware that everyone in the room had their eyes on him. “I”, he began, but had to clear his throat. “I don’t think so. I mean”, he corrected himself, “of course it is possible, but look at these black marks here. They are definitely connected to the blood, and soundproofing wouldn’t result in such marks.” He pushed one picture to the middle to show them what he meant.

“Huh.” Da Qing nodded thoughtfully. “That still doesn’t explain why nobody heard anything.”

“And we still don’t know why the guy was targeted in the first place”, Chu Shuzhi added with a look at Shen Wei. “Maybe if we find the motive, we find the killer.”

They all nodded in various degrees of agreement, but nobody seemed to have a thought to continue with. They all sat in silence, until a voice said: “What am I paying you for, exactly? Remind me again.”

Shen Wei had sensed Zhao Yunlan’s arrival – he always sensed his love, no matter where he was – and had smiled slightly at him, but hadn’t found anything to say. He still felt awful and wasn’t sure that it wouldn't be noticeable in his voice.

Zhao Yunlan’s comment had spurred his team into action, but he silenced them with a careless wave of his hand. “The Minister didn’t have to say anything helpful, except that we should hurry to finish this PR nightmare, which we would have done anyway, even without his thoughtful advice.” Shen Wei almost rolled his eyes. The ministry really wasn’t helping.

“Also,” Zhao Yunlan continued, “I made a few calls on the way back here and I might have a clue. Actually, more than a clue.” He shoved Da Qing to the side and wriggled beside Shen Wei onto the sofa. The cat protested, but then settled next to Zhao Yunlan on the armrest. “The landlady said there has been but one visitor to the apartment in the last months. A woman, early forties like our victim, pretty, black hair, looked like a film star. Her words, not mine.” He winked at Shen Wei who felt a sting in his heart. What had he done to deserve this man?

The man in question added, “She was adamant they were having an affair. I asked her how she would know that and she laughed at me, said a woman knows that.” He grinned at Zhu Hong, who huffed and looked ready to throttle him. Shen Wei contemplated if he had to intervene in case she did. It wouldn’t really help their relationship and Zhao Yunlan was very capable of defending himself, he decided.

“Anyway,” Chu Shuzhi stepped in, “if she is correct, then we have to look for the woman and possibly also her boyfriend or husband.”

“Way ahead of you”, Zhao Yunlan smirked, sounding very pleased with himself, “I already called an old friend in the department that deals with the domestic violence cases and asked if he knew anyone with a temper and a wife or girlfriend who looked like our mysterious affair. He did, actually, so I now have two dudes who I need to question. I just came here to collect Shen Wei. Da Qing, you go find Lin Jing in his cave of a lab and take him and his dark energy detector to this address.” He handed him a post-it. “Shen Wei and I go talk to the other one and see if we find anything suspicious.”

***

“Baobei, are you mad at me?”

Shen Wei almost jumped in his car seat and turned hastily towards Zhao Yunlan. “No? I mean,” he cleared his throat, “no, I am not mad. Why would I be?” Zhao Yunlan looked at him briefly and then back on the road. “Because you haven’t said a word since we got in the car. Thirty-eight minutes ago. I counted.” Shen Wei closed his eyes and forcefully calmed his breathing. “I am not mad, Yunlan. On the contrary, I feared that you might be still angry with me. I didn’t know what to say.”

Zhao Yunlan looked over again and raised an eyebrow. “Why would I.. Oh, baobei. Darling. Xiao Wei. Are you still thinking about Friday?” Without taking his eyes from the road, he reached out and placed his hand on Shen Wei’s thigh. Shen Wei nodded miserably. “I am so sorry, Yunlan”, he said, for a hundredth time, because he hadn’t anything else to offer.

Zhao Yunlan moved his hand to caress his thigh. “Baobei. I love you. Nothing you do could change that. Not even kidnapping me with dark energy.” He grinned at Shen Wei who shrunk into his car seat. “And besides, you explained why you did it. It’s over, Shen Wei, over and done. Don’t think about it anymore.”

Shen Wei nodded and relaxed a bit. He released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “Thank you.” He bit his lip and swallowed the rest of the sentence. Zhao Yunlan looked him over again. “You’re still going to keep apologising, do you?” Shen Wei didn’t know what to say to that.

***

The case that had begun so complicated turned out to be anything but. They had knocked on the suspect’s door, only to be greeted by a dull thud inside the house and something that sounded suspiciously like a muffled scream. In wordless agreement Zhao Yunlan had drawn his dark energy pistol, while Shen Wei had summoned his glaive. When they had entered through the unlocked front door, they had found their suspect busy throwing another man around the room, shouting obscenities about fucking his wife, dark energy flaring around them both. It had needed both their authority to calm the furious man, save the alleged lover from more harm and find the wife, who had barricaded herself in the laundry room and had only come out after a lot of Shen Wei’s patient coaxing. They had briefly parted ways there; Shen Wei, glaive in one hand, the other firmly around the delinquent’s neck, had portaled directly to the Palace to deliver his unwilling parcel, while Zhao Yunlan had called an ambulance for the mangled lover, taken the wife’s statement and made a few calls to his friends at the force and the team to fill them in.

When Shen Wei stepped through yet another portal into the SID, he wasn’t surprised not to see his boyfriend there. Instead, he found Zhu Hong and, since their interview naturally hadn’t brought any results earlier, Da Qing and Lin Jing, as well as Guo Changcheng and Chu Shuzhi. Shen Wei winced, but squared his shoulders. He might as well get it over with. Stepping into the room, he took a deep breath. “I-”, he began, but Da Qing interrupted him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to say anything, Hei Pao Shi. We know what happened Friday was a misunderstanding, and we know why you did it.”

“You-”, Shen Wei tried again, but this time it was Zhu Hong who didn’t let him finish. “The boss told us. About the nightmares. You are an idiot. Why didn’t you tell us?” She straightened up and cast him a look that felt like a challenge.

“I-”

“We all had nightmares, Shen Wei.” Da Qing sounded pained. “Wang Zhen and Sang Zan die, Lao Li died…” He trailed off and swallowed hard. “It wasn’t easy for any of us.”

Shen Wei felt a new surge of emotions, but this time he didn’t fight his tears. He put one arm around Da Qing, and as the cat didn’t resist, he pulled him into a tight embrace. Nobody said anything, but Shen Wei heard Xiao Guo sniffle, then sob silently into Lao Chu’s shoulder.

Just as he let go of Da Qing and awkwardly took a step back, the front door opened to reveal Zhao Yunlan. Zhu Hong turned around to furiously wipe her eyes, while Shen Wei smiled at his boyfriend. Zhao Yunlan returned the smile, taking in the scene before him.

“All good?”, he asked.

“All good,” Shen Wei confirmed with a smile.

It really was, he thought.

#镇魂 guardian #guardian #Shen Wei #zhao yunlan #weilan #da qing #case fic #my writing

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jamr0ck83 · 4 years

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If Nobody is Racist, Then Who Exactly is Keeping Systemic Racism Going?

Everybody seems quick to insist that they’re not the ones who are racist. So, then who is? If it’s only the people you say, then why are we like this as a country?

Recently, someone with which I somewhat briefly attended grad school for education (And no, I don’t want to talk about what happened with that whole endeavor) posted the following image to their Facebook profile.

On its face, it seems like a completely reasonable and acceptable statement, and as such, it was generating some likes. At the time I first saw it, I think there were 6. But before I, too, submitted my approval of this image, I thought a little more about it, and its implications. And I realized that I didn’t really agree with it. I knew the person who posted it had no ill intentions, and I think they even found the image on the profile of another POC. But the more I reread the sign featured, the more I was sure that it was not a true statement. I knew that my stance was not going to garner nearly as many likes or other accolades as if I had posted a phrase like “Black Lives Matter”, which at this point, it seems like all reasonable people are able to agree that they do (or at least it’s the obvious appropriate thing to say in this moment). I knew I might receive some pushback or criticism, and while that did admittedly make me nervous, I knew that I needed to speak up in this way and in this moment. And I was willing to deal with whatever consequences came my way. I decided it was that important for me to make a case for a diverging opinion. So, I typed out the reply below and posted it.

I want to agree with this, but I'm not sure if I do. Please hear me out. It is entirely possible to be a Trump supporter and not be a person who has ever uttered a racial epithet or been otherwise explicitly or overtly racist. However, I do believe that there are degrees of racism, and if you're someone who has responded that "all lives matter" or "blue lives matter" when another person asserts that black lives matter, I would argue that you are on the spectrum of holding onto or entertaining some form of racist ideology. If you watched the video of George Floyd having his life choked out of him and then watched the footage of riots from that first night in Minneapolis and thought "It's a shame that guy died, but what they're doing now is uncalled for", this might indicate that you prioritize law and order (no matter how unjustly they are being enforced) over the life of a man whose only transgression was that he was black, and that, too, places you on that spectrum of racism. Racism isn't always waving a confederate flag and yelling at POCs to go back to where they came from. Sometimes, it's knowing that the politician you support will turn a blind eye to or even praise people who march around with tiki torches yelling, "Jews will not replace us" and wanting to vote for him anyway. Sometimes, it's hearing black people beg to have full access to the citizenship rights that are due them but deciding it's more important for you to vote for the guy who advocates for you to keep your semiautomatic rifle. If you are deciding that your wants (not needs) have priority over the humanity of POCs, then I would argue that you are on the spectrum of racism. And that demands some self-reflection. Complicity is part of what makes racism so destructive. What's the point of knowing better if you refuse to hold others accountable for doing better?

And then I waited. I waited for blowback. I waited for pushback. I waited for agreement. I waited for literally anything anybody might feel compelled to say. But the only feedback I received was a single “like” whereas the post itself had garnered six additional since the posting of my comment. So, people obviously disagreed with my stance but couldn’t bring themselves to make that known in any kind of direct fashion. And frankly, that concerns me. A great deal, in fact. And there are a couple of reasons why.

Firstly, and this is something of which I was starting to become more aware even months before the death of George Floyd and these subsequent protests, white people are very quick to assert that they, themselves, are not racist. They are also quick to assert that most people who look like them are not racist. According to them, hardly anybody is really, truly racist. But if that’s actually true, then why is this country such an absolute mess, and why have we been that way for centuries? It’s as if the term “racist” is being reserved for truly egregious and over-the-top cases. And everything else is just the way people are. White people seem to have a very specific and narrow idea of what racism looks and sounds like, and that allows them to never truly have to consider whether they, themselves, might be racist. Or if their family members are racist. Or if the politicians they actively support are racist. Under their definition of that word, it barely applies to anyone. And as a black woman who considers herself knowledgeable of both history and current affairs, I will confidently say that this is wrong.

I have had people who cloak themselves under the banner of liberalism say some things to me that would make me raise an eyebrow if I knew at all how to move that particular facial muscle. And no, it’s not the times when the racial epithets and slurs are used that I feel compelled to do this. It’s actually the times when I’ve made some sort of assertion about the impact of oppression on the lives of black people today, and I am met with sentiments such as “It’s not fair that we keep getting blamed for everything” or “You weren’t a slave, so the legacy of that institution doesn’t create any modern-day problems for you” or “Slavery ended over a hundred years ago, so why do you keep wanting to bring it up? Why can’t we all just move on? Life is hard enough”. (That last phrase is a direct quote from a white woman who replied to something I said on Instagram regarding the role that white women have historically played in the role of oppressing black bodies. She objected to my assertion that this is an issue that is rarely discussed, because dwelling on it would cause white women to feel discomfort, and that is in direct opposition to this silent societal code we all seem to follow that says that we must do whatever we can to prevent white women from feeling uncomfortable. Ironically, she was shutting my argument down, because it made her uncomfortable.) Also, I’ve been told that the ways in which I have experienced oppression throughout my life just aren’t true, that I must be mistaken and that I am making something be all about race when it’s not about race at all. And finally, I’ve been told the oldie but goodie “I don’t see color; I just see people”.

To the people that are brave enough to read this right now, I will submit to you that these statements and sentiments all reek of racism. Every single one of them. And every single person who uttered these phrases would have gone to the grave denying that they could be considered racist. And sorry, people who made these statements, but this assertion by you would be wholly incorrect. By so narrowly defining what racism is, we have given many people permission to absolve themselves from any responsibility for how it continues to thrive in American society. Nobody needs to look inward; nobody has to come to terms with any mindsets they might harbor that are truly problematic. And if nobody is willing to deal with anything or even acknowledge it, how are we going to change anything? If we can’t even recognize and talk about what racism is, how are we going to put an end to it? And the short answer is, we’re not.

My second concern is that, while it seemed like almost no one who saw my comment agreed with it, no one felt compelled to say anything, give any sort of reason for WHY they disagreed with it. Maybe it’s because I’m black that they felt like they should just let me get on my soapbox and say what I needed to say, and that would be their form of allyship (even though at the end of the day, them doing this was just a dismissal of everything I said so they could go on with their lives, which kind of flies in the face of being an ally). When these protests first started, I think many black people were reasonably skeptical about the degree to which we could rely on non-black allyship for the duration of however long we needed it. We wondered if the outrage and fervor exhibited was sustainable. And we wondered if white allies, specifically, were truly willing to endure discomfort if it would eventually lead to the advancement of our movement. And I hate to say it, but I feel like the instance of this post about racism and who it applies to gave me substantial reason to believe that they are not. The fact that there are people aligning themselves publicly to the BLM movement who are already seemingly unwilling to settle in their discomfort in order to be a more effective agent of change greatly concerns me. It indicates to me that for some people (not all, but some) a lot of what’s going on right now is an exercise for them in anti-racism theater. To put it simply and bluntly, they are not “in it to win it”, because “winning it” requires that they sacrifice more comfort than they are ready to do. And while that’s certainly not everybody who calls themselves an ally, I worry that it represents a substantial number of people who we are currently relying on as allies who really aren’t. And when they start drifting away from the protests and the posting of hashtags because this movement is no longer the fun, new thing we’re all doing, the people who remain are going to have to pick up the slack and work even harder to account for their absence.

To be clear, I’m not trying to knock anyone who wants to be an ally or make it seem like I want to nitpick at everyone and that there isn’t anything that any non-black ally can do that would truly please me. If that’s what you are thinking now as you read this, I would implore you to reconsider. Because that perspective is one that stems directly from the notion that we are trying to hurt people’s feelings. It stems from this idea that it is our responsibility to make our white allies feel good about what they are doing right now so that they will continue to feel encouraged, or else they will walk away. But this movement is not about pacifying white people’ feelings, whether they consider themselves to be allies or not. We are not here to make you comfortable. We are here to seek the justice that we are due. We are here to seek the rights of citizenship that we have been routinely denied. We are here to put an end to systemic racism. Catering to allies’ feelings is nowhere on that list. It’s not even a close fourth. We need people to put their own individual feelings aside (discomfort, guilt, or whatever else) and help do what needs to be done.

And I realize this might be a harsh reality check, I do, because I know that many black Americans have spent a significant portion of their lives doing whatever they could to make white people comfortable. During slavery, we performed their backbreaking hard labor so they wouldn’t have to but could still reap the financial benefits. In modern times, many of us deliberately hold back a lot of ourselves in white people’s presence, because it’s always been an expectation that successful black people who have properly assimilated in the larger American society need to make sure that nothing we do resembles anything that might make them remember that we are not the same color. For many black women, this means stifling their voices and hiding their frustrations, because nobody wants to deal with an angry black woman. For many black men, this might mean being keenly and constantly aware of their physical stature and proximity to other people, because they don’t want anyone to find them intimidating in any way. I think white people take these acts for granted because we’ve always done them, but they are not “just the way we are” or “just the way we like to be”. They are a series of survival skills that we have been forced to adhere to, because to refrain from doing so would allow others to perceive as people they’d rather not deal with, if possible. That means, we wouldn’t be the ones who get into the good school or get the good job or even get to keep our lives.

I have been deemed a quiet person my entire life, and while some of that is due to my genuine introverted nature, the majority is supplemented by the fact that, in most situations, if I am given the choice between being the quiet and unassuming black girl who nobody really has a problem with or the more vocal and passionate black woman that asserts herself but then has to deal with the consequences of nobody really wanting to be around her, I choose the former. And I started choosing it at a very young age; I was definitely still in elementary school. It starts that early. Because we know that early. We know that this country was not designed with us in mind unless it was to depend on our labor or our ability to entertain. We know that the system is literally rigged against us in such ways that, if we were to inform white people of all those facets of oppression, they would accuse us of being paranoid. Actually, that is precisely what happens when we try to tell people about our experiences of being black in America. There are a lot of people out there who are masterful at gaslighting and being utterly dismissive of our struggles. And that is a response that is literally for the sole purpose of driving the other person to the point of insanity. So, for the most part, we stopped telling you things, because you weren’t really listening, anyway. And we realized that, if we were going to make it in this country, then we really did have to work twice as hard, be twice as amiable in demeanor, and twice as resilient. Was that fair, for that to be put on us? Of course not. But we shouldered that burden. Because what was the alternative? So, we did it, and we’ve done it fairly quietly for a very long time.

But we’re tired. And we’re angry. Because no matter what we do, people keep killing us for little to no reason and then justify it to say that we must have done something to deserve it. “Well, you should’ve known that wearing a hoodie makes you look threatening.” “A toy gun could look a lot like a real gun, so that’s an honest mistake on the officer’s part.” “Oh, wait. You were minding your own business sitting in your apartment when somebody shot you? Well, were you really living beyond reproach and therefore entitled to keep your life? You sure you’ve never done anything wrong? Don’t you smoke weed sometimes?” These are the ways people have justified our deaths. And I would argue that all those statements and sentiments are couched in racism. All of them. None of it is okay, and it all needs to end. And we need everyone we can get to commit to joining us in this fight. But if you’re really going to sit there and maintain the party line that racists are really few in number and that you, the non-black ally, don’t need to consider the ways in which you might harbor some racist ideology, then you’re not ready to be an ally. And you can’t help us. And you won’t help us. Because as soon as things get a little less trendy or a little more uncomfortable, you will prioritize that over our humanity. And that, in itself, is pretty damn racist.

#blacklivesmatter #angryblackgirl #therandomthoughtsofmybrain #racism #allyship #ThisIsHowYouAlly #America #womanist #womanism #whitefragility #NoTimeToPlacateYourFeelings

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