#and that situations like this are complex in a lot of ways.
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‘Cersei and Joffrey and the general trauma Sansa suffers leads her down a path of hating herself in the same way Cersei does; hating her naivety, partly wanting to shame others who are still like that as a means to project it outwards and yet she never quite does. And not only is that a triumph of her empathy in the face of her situation but it is also a triumph of belief in herself; still seeing goodness within herself rather than just something to shame and attack the way everyone makes her internalise. If these other people deserve empathy, even when part of her does feel the opposite, if they still deserve empathy, so does she. I think all of this tells us she did have a lot of loving experiences from her parents growing up. That as much as she might feel self-hatred a lot of the time there is still a little voice in there saying ‘no you deserve more, you are more than they say.’ At many points it’s a very faint, faint voice in this story but what’s important is that it is there.’
Oh my god. He gets it. I really think the entire asoiaf fandom should watch this video. I mean, op is a child therapist - of course he has a better grasp of her complexity than half the freaking fandom.
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Note: I have a few new drafts in the works right now but it’s taking longer than expected to get them out. So for now, here’s my takes on our favorite bachelors. Some controversial, some not.
Personal Headcanons (and Opinions) I have about the Bachelors
Sam:
- So before I threw him under the “golden retriever” skater boy trope and moved on. Yeah he definitely comes off as it at first, HOWEVER.
- I like to think Sam’s hella observant when he wants to be. Sorta like a “selective observer” if you will.
- I mean, his mom seems to wish to run away from the family at times, and his dad’s off at war. Taking care of Vincent and trying his best to be there when his dad wasn’t makes you pick up a bunch of stuff along the way.
- And I think he’s observant enough to notice that Jodi doesn’t really like where’s she’s at in her life.
- He’s a very caring person, I think to the point where he wouldn’t really mind if he gets hurt from it.
- You have to do something really bad for him to hate you or for him to not care, honestly.
- He loves his family, so he’ll take care of Vincent when his dad’s away, or he’ll begrudgingly get a job because his mom told him to.
- That’s not to say he’s grown though. I full on believe his mom baby’s the hell outta him.
- She seems like a very controlling mom with how she acted after Sam dropped the egg on the floor, but she seems like she needs to done her way. Can you tell I don’t like Jodi very much?
- I think once Sam gets married to you and moves out, he takes on a lot more responsibility and learns how to take care of himself more. While still having that “kid at heart” mindset with his hobbies.
Sebastian:
- So, I’m not gonna lie, I was one of the girlies that dismissed Sebastian as the resident emo boy at first.
- But now, I think he’s, shocker, more complicated than that.
- So I think Demetrius definitely has a whole favoritism complex going on between Maru and Sebastian, which is nothing new.
- I think it leads Demetrius to spit out verbal abuse, and heavy on verbal cause I don’t think Demetrius is the type to physically abuse, to Sebastian whenever he doesn’t like what he’s doing.
- But, I actually think Sebastian and Maru find ways to be friendly or decent with each other, despite everything that’s happened.
- And I really don’t think Robin’s being dismissive about the whole situation either, I really do think she’s trying her best to get the two to ease up with each other.
- I mean, there’s books in her room about stepdads and second families, I think she’s making an attempt.
- But for Sebastian sometimes it isn’t good enough, making him feel like he’s trapped and that he wants to leave this town.
- I think when you marry him, and he ends up staying in Pelican Town, that’s not crushing his dream.
- I truly believe he just wanted to get away from his family, from Demetrius’ constant complaining and comparisons and favoritism.
- But he still has friends here, Sam and Abigail. And you.
- I think now that he’s moved out, he feels more at peace, spending time with someone he loves and still being able to hang out with friends.
Harvey:
- So, we know Harvey’s hobbies, his job as a doctor, and that he comes off as really shy.
- But he actually comes off as really closed off when you first meet him.
- It’s almost as if he’s straight away drawing a boundary saying, “Oh this is the new farmer. Okay, strictly doctor, patient relationship.”
- But as you start hanging out with him more, his facade starts to break a little.
- He opens up more, about experiences, hobbies, his past.
- And personally? I think he has a huge past with mental health issues.
- Like he relates to Shane when he talks about mental health and getting him a therapist. That could be just a doctor thing, but I think Harvey’s had his own struggles. Even if they were different.
- Out of everyone in Pelican Town (other than Shane) I think Harvey definitely has a therapist.
- Although he still mentions having patients’ lives in his hand, I’m sure he was completely broken about it the first time it happened.
- Not to mention that he had to overcome the fact that he wasn’t going to get his dream job.
- He had to settle, and I think talking to a therapist helps tremendously with not only acknowledging that, but full on accepting it, both the good and bad.
- Harvey is a caring guy, and even if he still has extreme fears and insecurities, he’s willing to overcome them if he thinks it’ll make him a better person. If it’ll give him a better life.
- So the fact that he overcomes his fear of heights for you means he cares a lot about you, and his life with you.
Alex:
- So, my opinion of Alex changes as his heart events go on.
- So for zero hearts, I full on believe he’s an ass to girls. Like that cliche popular sporty guy that has a big ego.
- If he doesn’t know you and he sees you doing something weird, I bet you he’ll judge super hard.
- I think he’s the type to talk first, think later.
- And not in a sense like Sam where he just kinda… keeps talking. But he’ll say stupid remarks like “Wanna go to the beach? Do you have a bikini?” Or “Did you get new pants?”
- Why are you looking at the farmer’s pants Alex?
- Anyways towards guys I don’t think he’d be that different, only he’d talk about girls to you.
- I wholeheartedly believe George is kinda homophobic, but Evelyn’s like “Love who you love, you don’t live long enough to not.”
- So Alex at first would have George’s beliefs. Cause the guy kinda raised Alex, he’s the only father figure he really knew and liked.
- But as time goes on Alex would realize “Hey I’m spending a lot more time with the farmer now.”
- Like he looks forward to seeing you everyday.
- And I think you influence him, whether you’re a girl or a guy.
- You open his eyes, making him think along the lines of “Maybe I shouldn’t judge so much. Something just feels right when I’m with them.”
Shane
- So I think we’ve been knowing how shitty he was in the beginning, before having any hearts with him.
- He’s closed off, depressed, doubting his life choices.
- The farmer literally has to push their way into his heart for him to actually notice and be nice to you.
- So I’ll spend more time focusing on after his heart events, since a lot of people are on the same page about his struggles with alcoholism.
- So like a lotta other people, I think Shane has a great friendship arc, but as a marriage candidate all of that development gets kinda nerfed.
- After everything that happens, he becomes VERY dependent on the farmer.
- Probably to the point where it’s unhealthy
- Like if he heard that you’ve passed out in there mines or something he’d start freaking out, not knowing what else to do if you were suddenly gone.
- But, he’s also one of the only bachelors confirmed to be seeing a therapist, so even if the farmer slowly stops talking to him, he will still be in a better spot than he was in his 6 heart event.
- In the end, he’s very thankful for you coming into his life.
- Just, try not to let him depend on you too much, okay?
Elliot
- Same with Alex, my opinion and my headcanons of Elliot change depending on how many hearts I have with him.
- But low key I find him very out there when below 4 hearts.
- He has a different kind of ego than Alex, but it does still come off as “I’m better than you” kind of ego.
- For example, when he says he wishes he could “Throw it all away and become a farmer like you”.
- What’s that supposed to mean Elliot?
- Only I don’t think he realizes it, I think at this time he’s more closed minded and never really thought of people being content and success in different ways.
- He does give Wattpad vibes…
- By the way he treats Gus too in his 2 heart event?? Yeah I’m not sure if that seems to change that much lol.
- However as you get to know him more, he realizes how much time and work you put into your farm, and then, starts thinking about how everyone else lives their life.
- I think even as a writer, the dude doesn’t really understand people think differently until you show him.
- Which is why I think that’s one of the reasons why he’s had writer’s block for a while.
- Yeah give him a pencil and paper and he’ll go at it, he’ll write some beautiful poetry and short stories.
- But throw in a consistent protagonist that isn’t like him, and I think he’d struggle big time before he met you.
- After you two become friends, or even after you start dating, he’ll definitely have a different perspective on his art and on other people.
- It’s like you change his perspective on life. And it may not happen overnight, but I truly believe it does happen, and you make him a better person because of it.
#stardew valley#stardew valley bachelors#stardew headcanon#stardew#sdv sam#sdv alex#sdv harvey#sdv sebastian#sdv shane#stardew valley headcanons#sdv elliot
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Being in relationships as a romance neutral/favorable aro (for alloro readers with aro partners)
I’m romance neutral* and greyromantic*. I have been in romantic relationships. I don’t believe I was attracted to my partners as much as people thought I was. But I chose to be in those relationships and stayed with those people until other factors didn’t work out (ie unfixable communication issues or different long term goals).
I’ve had some of my partners ask “so you don’t love me?” when I opened up more about being arospec with a sad tone in their voice. Or I’ve had friends say “why would you be someone’s partner if you don’t love them?” with a hint of judgment and disdain as they say it.
Here is how I look at it, and keep in mind, this is most likely NOT a universal aro experience. BUT I know that some alloro people worry that since their aro partners don’t “love” them, they can’t be sure about their relationship at all.
Aromanticism is the lack of romantic attraction. In my personal experience, this generally means I have equal attraction to everybody in a romantic sense (side note, this is why I thought I was biromantic for a long time). So, imagine, baseline I just feel neutral about everyone. My relationships are largely based upon experiences and connections I have with people, not solely on attraction.
A lot of my partners thought that this means I feel less about them or that they were just like everyone else. But here’s the thing—I literally chose them out of everyone else to be partners with. In a broader sense, take how alloplatonic* people view friendships: you may be closer with some friends, you may trust some friends with certain things more, or you might have just become friends and are learning more about each other. These people are all friends, and the friendship dynamic isn’t always built on platonic attraction. It can be extremely circumstantial.
If you worry about your aro partner leaving you because they’re aro, I assure you that they will not just up and leave at random just because they’re aro. If they do, there is a very different reason for that. It’s a very personal and complex topic. It ties into factors such as commitment, communication, life goals, and relationship satisfaction and compatibility.
So if anyone is alloromantic and questioning if they can be in a relationship with an aro person, think about it this way: the question shouldn’t be “do they love me?”, and try thinking about it as “do they care for me?”
Glossary* and footnotes after the break
Just some disclaimers so I don’t have to explain later:
1. Yes, some aro people can feel love in other ways. Yes, some aros are loveless. We are all different. I mostly think that alloro people associate “do they love me?” directly with “do they love me romantically?”, which is understandable, but personally I think that in any relationship, CARE and ACTION are the most important aspects in any relationship. Even in an allo relationship, two people can love each other but not properly care for one another.
2. Also, love is not easily defined, so “do they care for me” presents a much more concrete and observable question that is much less stressful than “do they love me?” And I say this as someone who ended up in abusive situations because I told myself “well, they love me, so this must be fine.” I am mostly making this post to tell alloromantic people that being aro does not directly affect how someone may act in a relationship. Yes, it might be a factor, but saying aro = unloving partner is not true and extremely harmful.
3. I wrote this while sleep deprived and I talk a lot when sleep deprived so sorry if this all made no sense or was very rambley.
*GLOSSARY:
Romance neutral - feeling indifferent to romance, whether it be romantic coded actions (ie kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc), romantic situations (ie dates), or the general idea of a romantic relationship
Romance favorable - desiring to engage in romance despite being aromantic, generally the opposite of being romance repulsed
Greyromantic - feeling romantic attraction but less frequently or intensely as alloromantic people. Also an umbrella term for other microlabels in the aro community
Alloplatonic - people who feel platonic (friend) attraction, as opposed to being aplatonic (lacking platonic attraction)
#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#romance neutral#romance favorable#alloromantic#alloro#aro relationships#aspec#aromantic spectrum#aro#lgbtq#queer#relationships#lgbtq+#lowkey i just realized i am a sociology major rn and i can write a paper about this#that’s unrelated but now i wanna write about relationship dynamics within aspec x allo partners#anyways. this has been on my brain for a while
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Hi, yes I'm here for the parenting differences/conflicts between established Buck and Eddie, pretty pls.
ok so the way i see it, you have the confluence of two pretty big shifts in the Buckley-Diaz family dynamic: one is Buck and Eddie starting a romantic relationship and the other is Chris becoming a teenager/starting high school.
I feel like the fact that these two things are happening around the same time (in my version of when Buddie get together, which is like s8 or soon thereafter) creates some excellent story fodder. We've already seen how Chris growing up/becoming a teenager has generated some new conflicts for them as a family in 7x01. A kid growing up and becoming a teenager means:
having to figure out and set new boundaries and ENFORCE those boundaries against the potential of Teenage Rebellion
greater independence which means more possible ways for them to fuck up and get into potentially bad or dangerous Situations
MUCH more complex processing of interpersonal conflict and emotion (and we know Christopher in particular has a LOT of things he needs to process!)
All of this is completely uncharted territory for all three of them and I could see this leading to some fun conflict in a number of different ways!
(readmore because this got long again lmao)
Like first maybe Chris does some typical teenager exploration and like, idk, tries alcohol for the first time. Eddie finds out and decides to handle it in one way, and Buck like actually disagrees with the way he wants to handle it but doesn't say anything because, right like, Eddie's Chris's dad he's not going to overstep. Then the situation escalates because maybe Eddie's tactic DOESN'T work and now Buck has to like gently bring up a different tactic and Eddie's like why didn't you say this sooner and Buck is basically like, well I didn't want to overstep? And they have to have an explicit conversation about like what Buck's parenting role actually is now that he and Eddie are together and Eddie is like, I want you to actually BE my partner in this like you're NOT just some new person trying to step into the role of parent, you've known chris since he was seven and I trust your judgement about this stuff. I WANT you to tell me when you have a different opinion, like I WANT this to be an equal partnership where we collaborate.
Or, maybe as part of this or maybe not, Chris opens up to Buck about something that's going on with him that he hasn't told his dad, because sometimes it IS easier to talk about stuff with someone who's not your dad (I know we're all like "Buck is Chris's parent" but like he's not ACTUALLY Chris's dad) and then Buck has to navigate like, does he need to keep Chris's confidence or does he need to go directly to Eddie with this? Like what's actually the right thing to do in the situation? (Also Buck HATES keeping things from Eddie so like, that would be tough for him too).
Or maybe there's a situation where Buck is being overprotective of Chris and Chris, being a teenager, actually gets annoyed with him about it and they have a fight. We've never seen Chris and Buck have real conflict and I think it would be a great opportunity for them to move into something that is a little closer to a parent-child relationship where Buck has to occasionally actually put his foot down with Chris and Chris has to actually express anger/negative emotion toward him.
I could definitely see Buck and Eddie both going to Bobby throughout navigating this, because not only is Bobby like the most Dad guy ever but he also had to figure out how to navigate parenting step-children. But of course Bobby's experience of that was very different, because he didn't know Athena's children before he started seeing her, whereas Buck and Chris have all this history completely independent of Buck and Eddie's romantic relationship.
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Hi! Sorry if this has been asked before/you’ve answered this before, but I’m curious what you think of how Sokka acts just… overall.
To me, he’s always read as being someone who’s emotionally repressed, and doesn’t quite know how to deal with his emotions and blames himself for a lot, and micromanages as a way to try and overcompensate for things in his past that have been out of his control. (And he’s definitely a prodigy. I don’t think that, especially after the massacre, the southern water tribe would have many scrolls to read on, so it’s my personal hc to believe he taught himself physics lmao. But even without that, definitely a prodigy.) Who is, unfortunately, doomed by the narrative. But he’s still a loving guy, and very protective over his family.
But I’d love to see how someone else sees it! He’s one of my favorites ever lmao.
sorry for leaving this ask to fester in my inbox for over a month (hastily shoves away the asks i’ve been sitting on for multiple years) but at the time I had received a bunch of asks about sokka’s tormented psyche in quick succession, and I was trying to get through those first before approaching this broader, more open-ended question. I mean, obviously you could always just peruse my sokka tag, because at this point I’ve clocked so many hours analyzing him that it’s actually quite dire, and I’m pretty sure that you already have. but if I was to distill “sokka’s whole deal” into a few key sentences, I would first emphasize that his survivor’s guilt/martyr complex really underscores who he is and how he operates in any given situation in a crucial way.
I don’t think any of what you said in this ask is remotely incorrect, for the record, but focalizing the formative traumas that defined him: his mother’s sacrifice, and his father then passing that mantle onto him (in fairness, not deliberately on hakoda’s part, but when kya sets such a blatant precedent for what it means to “protect your sister,” it’s hard not to internalize that logic). he feels personally responsible and implicated in every single thing that could go wrong, because unlike katara, who (very understandably) gets angry when bad things happen and are done to her, sokka gets guilty. he was never able to process his grief in a remotely healthy way, so he has internalized that his singular role above all else is to die so that others may live, without ever actually acknowledging that this mentality is a byproduct of his trauma (because, like you said, he is absurdly repressed), and he feels guilty every time he is unable to prevent anything bad that happens to anyone he cares about, whether it’s remotely his fault or not.
he wants control over every situation because he feels responsible and thus guilty no matter what happens. not only is control the one thing he has, but he’s even more controlling when leaving his tribe because unlike with his grandmother, whom he trusts, he does not trust 99% of people on the planet, and is constantly wary of any ulterior motives they may have (which is why it’s a very good thing that all his friends are so sincere it’s almost concerning), or just their sheer stupidity leading them (and him by association) into trouble (in fact I think sokka would far rather ally with a two faced bitch than with an idiot, because at least you can reason with a two faced bitch). as katara rightfully points out (frequently), sokka is a paranoid cynic, but it’s hard not to be a paranoid cynic when the last time you had any shred of hope whatsoever is when you thought the southern raiders were retreating from your village and then you went home to find your mother’s charred corpse in the living room.
moreover, his trauma at the hands of imperialist violence has informed so much of who he is to the point that he genuinely feels that he isn’t, because that’s how throughly he has been dehumanized by the fire nation’s colonial project. it’s not just that he feels worthless, it’s that he feels unpersoned. due to assuming the mantle of protector before he was old enough to form a coherent sense of self, that role became his entire sense of self, and now he feels that he is nothing more than a shield with which he can protect katara (and others, but mainly katara), and can’t detach himself from that role even though it’s unhelpful and unhealthy, because (in his mind, at least) it is truly all he has.
so in summary, he’s a paranoid, miserable, depressed misanthrope who is repressing a fuck ton of grief and trauma to simply get through the day, including the fact that he feels it is his duty to die for his people and his loved ones—especially katara, to the point that he has an unhealthy codependent attachment towards her because he stakes his entire identity to her existence—and has no sense of self beyond his role as provider, protector, and (inevitable) martyr. obviously that’s just what his deal is psychologically, which is different from his personality (cue the, here I was thinking he’s just a fun, silly guy!) but you will also never get anywhere in understanding sokka if you think that he somehow has less trauma than katara, rather than the fact that unlike katara, who is able to process her emotions in an open and healthier way, sokka simply ignores it. but he also does a pretty bad job of hiding it most of the time, because he literally acts like a trapped prey animal in basically every situation once you look past the sarcasm and witticisms that provide his favorite tried and true coping/deflection mechanism. you just have to care enough to look past the surface, which most people don’t, including himself.
#luriuan#asks#sokka#analysis#obviously I have so much more to say but I’m pretty sure I’ll never stop stuffing the sokka + analysis tags with my thoughts so … tbc ..#cptsd fish…. swimming in circles#hes just a nice silly guy who kills people sometimes don’t worry about it
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just some autistic frank things and headcanons:
• one of his special interests is weapons, when he was a teen he developed one involving medieval torture. he’s known all the pressure points of where to hit someone in order to incapacitate them for years.
• he reads and writes more than he speaks. he often felt like an outsider growing up. he needs rules to function and many social situations are too complex. he likes when things are simple.
• goes nonverbal when he’s upset and starts stimming by tapping his fingers, walking around.
• general stims include his index finger tapping against his thumb, chewing the inside of his cheek, licking his lips, and rubbing the back of his head if it’s been shaved. he likes playing with his longer hair too but hardly anyone is around to see it.
• he stims every time he listens to music. he doesn’t listen to music very often. it’s distracting for him.
• he likes his long hair but it’s too noisy for him. he needs it out of his eyes and face to be able to focus.
• autistic rage is how he survives.
• safe foods include black coffee and breakfast foods. he likes trying new foods and recipes because he likes exploring different types of textures and flavors. he cooks for people to show that he cares because he’s not great with words.
• stims by cleaning his guns. he used to play with maria’s hair a lot. now he rubs the scar on the back of his head.
• extremely high pain tolerance from years of dissociating from his body. it was difficult when he was growing up. his mom would often find him injured and not saying anything or acting like there was something wrong. he once broke his finger and didn’t realize it until later when someone pointed it out.
• has to have everything extremely organized. as a child he lined things up and would get upset if people touched his stuff. he wasn’t good at playing with others.
• technology is overwhelming for him, he likes old fashioned things with physical parts.
• needs more information to assess a situation. whether that be for a mark or in personal situations. he would always ask “the wrong questions” and offer solutions instead of just listening. it was one of his main issues with maria. she thought he didn’t care about her feelings for years when he was trying to help.
• he did not realize maria was flirting with him at first. she was his first real relationship because all other people gave up when they assumed he wasn’t interested. he doesn’t know how to flirt.
• he’s obsessive. when it comes to his mission, nothing else matters. when he first got with maria, nothing else mattered. he needed to know everything about her.
• his autistic sense of justice is what drives him. he believes what he is doing is right and is firm in his beliefs. this also goes hand in hand with his black and white thinking.
• even before war, he was awkward in social situations. he’s always been quiet. he doesn’t like big settings of people, it’s too loud with too much going on. he prefers one on one interactions. it’s easier to focus when it’s just one person.
• he’s been told he struggles with empathy and has no emotions, but he feels so deeply despite not expressing it. he doesn’t understand how people don’t see it but it’s not something he can really explain. it’s always been like that.
• he was nonverbal for years as a child, which is why he was so used to the comments that were made at the construction site (nmcu specific) and he couldn’t understand why they gave a shit.
• in school, he was bullied, but he never really told his parents about it. he was always kinda different. always felt like he was faking the whole “being a human” thing, so in some ways what he does now is easier. he doesn’t have to pretend and put energy into things he’s bad at.
• lisa was kinda like him and it made him nervous. she was blunt and accused of being cold when he knew what she meant. maria had to explain why it was an issue, but all he could think about was the factual statements and how it’s good to pick things apart.
• he always has a plan, a backup plan, and a backup backup plan. it’s part of why he hates a lot of heroes that just go in with no plan. why don’t they have a plan? he’s gone on many tangents before. it’s one of the main reasons why he doesn’t do team ups. that, and other people are too unpredictable. he still doesn’t play well with others.
• when he was young, he really believed in god because god and catholicism has rules that you stick to. he never understood why god and the angels were allowed to kill people but he wasn’t. he went into seminary because he had a special interest in god. he can debate a lot but religious people rarely enjoy it. he’s now a lapsed catholic, mostly because of that.
• nowadays to him, heaven is just a fancy prison and free will is what’s important. he doesn’t like the idea of being a pawn. it’s why he told heaven to go fuck itself. if he has to sacrifice his beliefs then what does that say about him?
• part of why he went into the marines was because he dad always told him he needed to respect authority. he was pushed into it, told that maybe it would do him some good since he was constantly picking fights and not understanding why people behaved the way that they did.
• he likes dogs because dogs like routine. they’re always affectionate. he can also talk to them and they don’t judge or expect him to say the right words. they just like it when he talks.
• his punisher shirts are always a blend of cotton and polyester overtop kevlar. he has a stencil he carries in his bag. the skull is like the jacket he had in high school. it makes him feel comfortable and secure.
• he never wears cologne and doesn’t like things with a lot of scent.
• he was never too good at hygiene, even as a child. now he has an excuse, but really it’s just a lot of effort and he’s going to get dirty again so why does it matter?
#might add more later#really obsessed with autistic frank#probably because i’m autistic#frank castle#the punisher#headcanons#autistic frank castle#comics inspired#nmcu inspired
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i’ll stop being a depressing text post andy soon but
just long, long dramatic introspective stuff i need to get off my chest re: this past week/moving forward
it’s been officially over a week now already
and i’m very much.... starting to feel the guilt
not the ‘i should have done more!’ guilt, though i am cringing every time someone tells me i ‘gave him a great life’ or anything of the sort, because it will never feel that way to me. even if KNOW how much i tried to do, it won’t ever feel like it was enough or even good.
the guilt of ‘as much as this hurts, a weight has also been lifted’
the fact that i had been watching his chest when he was asleep to see if he was still breathing since i was 16, convinced he wouldn’t last long. the fact that i have given up so much of my own life to be here for so many years. the forced interactions with people i hate. the remarks he’d make about how it ‘should have been him’ (and.... to sound awful... it should have) and how he wished he was dead already. the drinking.
i don’t like the word burden, because it wasn’t a burden. for all his shit, and as south as things went, he was my dad and i have great memories and i love him. i chose to do what i did and keep doing it. but i would be lying if i said i hadn’t considered from time to time what things would change *after*. and i would be lying if i said i didn’t think those changes, would for the most part, be positive.
i’m going to be very lost for awhile, and weirdly lonely. i know that. it will get dark. i’ve been doing this for so long i don’t know what to do now. i hate looking at the room he used to confine himself to because it’s empty. i walk in the door expecting him to be there, always there, like a piece of the furniture, and he’s not. the only purpose i had for a long time is gone. the constant.
so i’m just doing... whatever i’d normally be doing when i’m not dealing with the papers, and the phone calls, and the awkward social stuff. sitting on the computer, watching tv, laughing about bullshit.
but aside from a few slight teary moments, i haven’t cried since i got home that night. and i know part of that is because physically, i just couldn’t anymore. i can’t now. and i know that, once the initial couple weeks pass, and everything quiets down, and it becomes all the more obvious that he’s never going to be here again settles back in, that things will probably be emotional again.
i keep having a moment of ‘this feels bad, but this should feel *worse*.’
it shouldn’t be so easy to be doing normal shit.
but it’s not.... i don’t know.... unfamiliar? i’m still doing things mostly independently. the way i work around them is just different now. and i knew it was coming for so, so long. even the past couple weeks i knew i needed to start mentally preparing for shit to change.
and i know despite the guilt, and the hurt, that things *will* be better in some way for this. because i can have my life now. and for better or worse it will be, for the first time, *my* life.
and i also know.... he went to the hospital for a reason, despite his stubbornness. he knew it was too much. and i think he knew i couldn’t deal with the extent of what was going to happen if it continued. and i don’t think he wanted me to have to.
i think he kept telling people not to hang out in the hospital at his expense for a reason.
there’s always gonna be the voice in the back of my head reminding me of him being drunk after my mom passed, saying i didn’t seem like i cared because i didn’t seem upset. wondering if he would think that now. (of course NOW i’m crying, stupid waxing poetically on this garbage site nonsense.)
but i do think he knew at the end and didn’t want that for me.
of course there’s a bunch of... other stress now. i’m going to need some income, which i haven’t had since The Before Times. with a still not great knee. gotta pay the bills, and fix the car more, and keep this house liveable (for now. i’m not making any rash decisions. i know just packing up my sad excuse for a life and trying to take off immediately is a horrible, braindead idea.) i know the world/my trash immune system is still a concern as well. and i can’t just go back to what i was doing immediately, at the same capacity, because of bs business politics.
i’m still going to give myself a few weeks. i can afford that. and i’ve done the math on what i absolutely *need* for the time being.
and my aunt bought me a washer, my brother bought me some groceries, claims have been made about fixing more shit in the house. fuck, an internet friend i barely exchange two words with every few months anymore fucking *called* me last night to ask if i was doing okay. i’m not saying this to brag, i’m saying i’m lucky to have support that i honestly so often doubt exists and i want to remember it when shit gets tough.
but i also need time to grieve in whatever form that takes after the initial bullshit is done so i don’t rush into things and then completely fall apart out of the blue. i’m lucky enough to feel i have that time, and force myself to try not to worry too much too soon, even if it is constantly there in my mind.
i think it’s going to be the weird stuff for a bit. stuff like going to the dentist the other day because i couldn’t reschedule again and being asked what i do for work and saying ‘oh, i don’t right now. i was a caretaker until saturday.’
going grocery shopping and not instinctively grabbing the same five things that were always on the list every single week and therefor not having a fucking clue what to get.
just trying to remember it’s okay for that shit to be weird. it’s okay to not be a trainwreck 24/7, but to sometimes be one over the smallest things.
the thing he told me once that has always stuck with me, back when he knew me better than anyone somehow before that all changed, was ‘you know, you don’t have to be brave all the time.’
i’ve been trying to be brave for so goddamn long. through so much fucking loss.
i just need to remind myself that it’s okay to be a fucking mess for a bit, in whatever form that takes. do what needs to be done, but be okay with whatever comes. accept fucking help and not be afraid to ask for it. sleep all goddamn day if i have to. and learn to fucking take a moment to breathe without worrying how it will come off to people who don’t know what i was always coming home to. i’m not fucking perfect. i never was, i never tried to be, and i certainly won’t be now. but i don’t have to be.
i just gotta forgive myself for it.
for a lot of things, really.
#long post with apologies#none of this makes sense or reads coherently and im not sure i even had a point#other than everyone deals with this shit differently and sometimes the pressure to act a certain way makes you doubt your own feelings#and that situations like this are complex in a lot of ways.#and that i need to learn to be a person.#as dumb as that sounds.
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The world isn’t ready for my alpha kid readings.
#jane crocker#jake english#roxy lalonde#dirk strider#homestuck#alpha kids#Jane is the struggler don’t you EVER contest that#many might argue it’s Jake but he doesn’t struggle inherently#usually he just vibes until he’s forced into situations wherein he struggles#Jane struggles from the beginning#her entire arc is a struggle#also had to change it from “the fujoshi” mostly cause I don’t like that and also cause it’s not as versatile as the other labels#I don’t actually think Dirk is boring btw i just think that when put up against his friends he has a lot less complexity going on#like his arc is fairly simple as opposed to Jane and Jake’s#and even Roxy’s#His problems seem inherently a lot more straight forward to me simply because he’s articulate enough to realize he has problems#Jane and Jake are almost there#problems are like on the tip of their tongues#and Roxy is kinda like the John of the team where she isn’t even gonna acknowledge the possibility of problems#girl is like “problems? haha not me#I’m the put together one in this group :)”#and just ignores all her internalized misogyny and heteronormativity#she is a mirror to Vriska in that they both put a lot of emphasis on preforming romanticism as a means of affirming their gender#anyway my alpha kid readings are way too boring so I feel like nobody would really be interested in them Sighhhh
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I think in game it's kind of presented that Julie Farkas thinks poorly of, if not outright dislikes, the Great Khans which I guess is fair enough but also reeks of the attitude of the writers viewing drug addicts and raiders as subhuman. And I don't think really it lines up with either the Khan/Follower relationship depicted in game nor does it Follow Julie's reestablished personality. I think she's a little exasperated with them but not enough to warrent the "who? Oh you mean those raiders who used to clash with the vegas tribes 🙄" line that she has about them like cmon girl 1) people are like your only allies outside of Freeside and 2) why are you taking the Three Families side in this??? They're causing just as many if not more issues than the Khans even Arcade has lines about how the Families are exploiting Freeside and I can't think who else she means by "vegas tribes" Anyway. It does make sense for her to be annoyed with how they're causing more drug problems in Freeside but i don't think it makes sense for her to be written in a way that makes it sounds like she's angry with the Khans for *using their precious medical knowledge to make the evil morphine rather than the morally good morphine* when really she should be more angry with House/The Families for causing the poverty in Freeside and the NCR for forcing the Khans into the precarious position they're in while disallowing the Followers from truly helping them. The fact that by the time that Fnv comes around the Followers and NCR's relationship has broken down should be enough for the Followers to revisit relations with the Khans since, as I said, the Khans have been the only truly consistent allies of the Followers and more importantly, the NCR JUST MURDERED ALL THEIR CHILDREN. In this essay I will
#I'd love to explore a potential rewrite with her yknow with the Khans as I view them#Idk when but I'd like to I think Papa and Julie could have an interesting relationship#Txt#I used to get yelled at a lot on here for saying that the way the Followers are written kinda makes them look bad in the whole situation#With the Khans#Because shunning a group who just experienced a genocide because they're not following your morality is. Bad actually#But people get really heated about the Followers because they associate their own politics with them and take my critism of them personally#Anyway#It's their writing that I think makes them look bad and if I was rewriting them I would make them different#yes there are plenty of medical professionals esp those in emergency medicine like Julie who think addicts are evil#But I don't think Julie should be written like that and the writers were wrong for doing her dirty like that#She deserves to be a complex character who is politically minded as well as medical#And personally I think her fighting on the Khans side just makes more sense#And getting them involved instead of the garret twins would have been cool#But yeah the way the Followers and their interactions with drug addicts in game is blatantly written by someone who thinks poorly of addict#Sorry
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sometimes i just want 2 make stanley content just 2 hand it 2 u
I WOULD LITERALLY BE IN YOUR DEBT IF YOU DID /VPOS
but seriously that’s so sweet… don’t worry I love to make stanley stuff so we can make stanley content. together :-).
#asks#WAAAAHHH#im mostly joking when I talk about starving for stanley content#but it does genuinely fill me with a lot of excitement and joy seeing parable stuff#especially genuine analysis and generally stuff that leads into the more serious and complex situations#like observations of Stanley’s situation of being a protagonist and what that means for him and us and the narrator#I won’t ramble here cause I can ramble way too much about this stuff but MAN#I think about the existentialism of stanley so damn much#ANYWAY IVE GOTTEN OFF TOPIC BUT LIKE. THIS DOES MAKE ME VERY HAPPY TO HERE#im so glad to be that stanley guy to three different people now :-] tehe
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i could draw anything but i decided to draw this. carlo and rocco in 1932 aka my headache
#^ this isnt real ofc but its what happening inside their heads (well in carlo's at least)#mfs when their old friend doesn't break under manipulation#“Lift up the receiver I'll make you a believer” punching the wall with fist#rocco was the underboss not eddie can u hear me!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!! (capo henry situation in terms of complexity)#no m2 did smth to my brain and now im incapable of writing normal relationship between people#anyway. things that makes sense only to me rn unfortunately:#“AND YET ALAS I WELCOME YOU KNOWING ABOUT YOU” its carlo @ rocco but works both ways i think. RAHHHHHHHHH#YET YOU THINK WE'RE THE SAME RAHHHHHHHHH#youre not who u are to anyone these days im not who i am to anyone no not me at all these days not at all RAHHHHHHHHH#carlo who was afraid of rocco (for a reason) when he started to run the family rahhhhhhhhh#“That son of a bitch!.. I fuckin’ knew it!” <-watch me put a lot more meaning into a phrase that shouldn't make so much sense#2kczech need to pay me for developing rocco's character btw if u even care . and for writing this fucking falcone family backstory#“Холодный и острый осколок гранита; Смерть Голиафа в руке Давида”#<- “A cold and sharp shard of granite; Goliath's death in David's hand”#i've listened to this song too much it became certifed rocco song to me#let's say rocco helped carlo a lot w preparing moretti family for a new don. just bc i don't think it was this simple#“your capo killed your don lets all pretend that its cool and normal and it doesn't matter that he ran the family for 23 years😋😘”#avart#m2#i wont tag this w fandom tags dear god this shit is so delusional#dear god rocco been a gap and a blank spot in this story for so long but now i genuinely like him#tho i'm still not done with his character yet but there's enough for me to like him#sorry. not normal bout them. not at all .#rocco & carlo
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Atsushi's back in the game!!! ۶( ˆ o ˆ )
#And Kouyou!!!!#Also. I can say Steinbeck is kinda 👀👀👀#King of the specific category of “I forget I like him until he's on screen”#I'm seriously unlocking memories with this rewatch. Like I haven't thought about it in two years–#but I just know when I was watching the anime for the first time I was being like#“Of COURSE the villains need to spend several minutes each episode explaining in detail how their own superpowers work so that the–#protagonists can get a perfect idea of how to best counter them. Why are villains made so freaking stupid in this show” aljhvwslchvqliyqwb#But. Eh. I guess that's just bsd to you.#Alsoooooo random thought of the day: I don't really favour how Tanizaki's ability was adapted in the anime.#I very well understand they were going for this green Matrix-like illusion effect‚ but every time someone says “... Snow?”#I'm like please explain where do you live that has snow glowing green.#Aamsjgvfaskjhfv sorry this is me being very. Cranky and nitpicky and having terrible audience etiquette in refusing to–#engage in suspension of disbelief. It just bugs me akvakcvqkyb I just feel like... Green is such a non-snow color–#that quite of completely disrupts the Light Snow / Sasame Yuki aesthetic. I would have liked it much better light blue or simply white.#What else. The way the Guild just goes on at stereotypes still troubles me a lot. The “usamericans can't be touched by laws–#because they use money to corrupt anyone” “foreign criminal organization come in our country to corrupt our pure and untouched soil”#Idk. Maybe all of it is true. Can it still be deemed a stereotype when it's objectively something that's happened before–#and will probably keep happening?#I suppose I'm just not a fan of the constant hostility against any foreigner. Idk.#This situation besides is extremely ironical. If you meet me irl it probably won't take long to see me being very outspoken about–#how much I despise usa cultural colonization of all other countries. It's something that really bothers me‚ how rooted and pervasive–#their influence is. So in a lot of ways I can relate to the author's sentiment#I just feel that. If you start treating them as stereotypes and ignore the complexity of a country and the wide spectrum of causes–#that contribute to its attitude in international relations. You end up practicing precisely what you're trying to criticize.#Okay this is the last time I'm getting into the politics of the Guild arc lol#random rambles#This time I took watching the episode slow I feel a little late
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yknow, i think a lot of my annoyance with anti-aang discourse is that a lot of criticisms seem to act like they're marks against aang's character writing specifically, as opposed to the approach of the narrative as whole, which aang is uniquely representative of by being the main character. it just feels like some people are frustrated at the show for being reserved in its exploration of certain aspects of war, and they take that out on aang.
#not that you can't just not like aang#that's chill#but ive seen a lot of posts about how aang never addresses the people he's most definitely killed throughout the series#and they act like it's a specific point against aang's writing#like. you notice how the entire narrative is like that#you notice how they never outright say that fire nation soldiers drowned in the north pole#you notice how aang has nightmares about it anyway#sure absolutely you can be frustrated about the arrative refusing to properly address the violent situations they devise#but unless you're also mad at toph and katara and sokka for the people they've most definitely killed and not addressed#you dont get to be mad at aang for it#it's not an aang problem#it's a narrative tone one#which in a lot of ways isn't a problem so much as it's adults wishing for more complexity out of an already very complex children's show#maybe just pause and think if it's a valid criticism of a children's show#or just something that you'd prefer to see expanded on to cater to your maturity level#that's what fandom is for baby#surround yourself with content at your maturity level#ok mini rant over lmao#atla#aang#fandom critical#my takes
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transfem kon proposal could have been good if was good
#it was not. good#and i know theres a lot of transphobic assholes happy we didnt get it bc of that#but pretending that everyone who criticizes it is doing so only bc they cant handle kon being a trans woman. is just.#you cant see past the blind want for representation#again i would kill for canon transfem kon but everything about that idea was bad#and her characterization of kon was horrid and so clearly based on yj tv show#remember how when her first bit of kon writing came out and everyone was mad about it bc it was Bad and put him in a relationship with mgan#who he. never spoke to in comics before but suddenly theyre in an established relationship#and it was all around not good kon writing. but then the proposal came out and suddenly everyone is oh we were robbed..#as if anything about it was good except for the general idea of making kon a trans woman#also im sorry but i saw her replies on twt where she was saying being trans is about burning your past and leaving everything behind#or whatever. as if being trans is the same for all of us. and as if it makes sense for kon who isnt in a bad situation re family?#but of course it would seem that way if youre coming from yj tv show. where most of the clark and kon misconception comes from afaik#and her whole issue with conner and kon as his names? bc they were given to him by another person??#i know that we like. if we were to get trans woman kon. it would have to go with changing her name and everything#bc u know dc cant conceptualize any more complex trans person than someone who instantly changes their name and fully transitions in a sec#but the way she talked about the name issue as if its bad that clark named kon. as if he wasnt so overjoyed at getting that name.#'he said not to call him superboy and we kept calling him superboy!' girl he said that bc he wanted to be superman. of all the many ways#u can find trans allegory in kons story. that single line aint it#so sorry but every time im reminded of this i get so sad and disappointed u took the best concept and fucked it up so bad#and now all people think of when trans kon is mentioned is fucking sk*******#its so over (its not bc im about to forget about it again and ignore its existence)#txt#im sorry for being a bitch again but did u read that. thats not the kon we know. dont tell me thats the point bc its about transitioning bc#u do not become a whole other person when u realize youre trans#and sorry but i do think itd be nice to have trans kon without just turning him into a (new) oc
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Did my first Mask playthrough with the update- it's satisfying. That's the best way to put it! You can do so much, unlock locations item, and dip your fingers in so many pies... it feels fuller! It feels more like the history, of London.
Like, of COURSE my PC, Miss Robin would set out to marry Griz, and be swayed by Milton. Of COURSE she would meet a certain Entrepreneur with Tentacles with a different name, and fail to set up his business quite yet, but instead broker a future for the Rubbery Men in London. Of course she would turn to the plan with Parliment, when the murder investigation seems to be going nowhere. Of course she'd write a manifesto against the Masters, and yet still see Pages as a brother, just in the way she does Archie. Of course the ceiling would open, and the sun would kill many.
It's delightful. It's wonderful. It's weird and it's amazing. I adore it, now.
#when i am asked to make a character#i make a contradiction#before this. it was too settled. either you were doing Badly at a lot of things or just Really Good at two things#but now???#now i feel like a protagonist in a fallen london game#and i am allowed to be complex and have contradictions#I care for griz! for her inexperience in romance! for her want be efficient and practical! how it ties into her character!#i feel charmed by milton! i also love virginia in this! she's such a bitch to me! she's great!#i used to hate pages but honestly i'm endeared by it! unfortunately! especially after the window situation and it's fear for your life!#archie!! baby boy! lil guy! criminal!#i still have no clue who committed the murder!#i have stopped trying to solve it! because things are going great!#it's fine i'll do it eventually but! i can get distracted! i can save him other ways!#motr spoilers#mask of the rose#also FERRET#i love them#i SWEAR my friend i'm going to get those rats in the church for ya NEXT TIME#also storycrafting is still!#so!#fun!
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28 vi and elizant 1
(for this ask game)
28. How they feel about [insert character of your choice from the same fandom]?
That is... a very good question! For Vi, former queens fall into the area of "vague politics", we think - not something that especially affects her, but something that matters to other people and thus that she may have to present opinions on should she run into A Person Who Cares About That Shit.
For the Elizants especially, it's Ant Kingdom Politics - though with the groups she hangs out with, it's likely that she's heard some very different takes on her from different groups. The Hive and its historical diplomatic relations plus the relatively recent change of queens mean that for the majority of Bees, Elizant 1 is known as a peaceful, benevolent ruler and preferred to the current Elizant, but for her less legal ties in the Tavern and, most likely, Black Market, she's likely to be more of a hot topic.
On one hand, she was a benevolent ruler who made great strides in diplomacy and keeping other bugs from Simply Going To War. On the other hand, her benevolence wasn't equally extended to all bugs, and the fact that Elizant The Second opens the borders to bugs of all kinds in the intro implies that they were not previously open to all bugs - and considering how crime most often comes from people who don't get their needs met through other venues, and groups discriminated against previously are prone to Continuing To Be Discriminated Against, it's very, veeeery likely that at least a few of the bugs present spaces that accomodate Extremely Illegal Dealings both A) were around to experience the previous queen's policies and B) likely have some VERY strong opinions about them that they're willing to share with the class when anyone talks about the old queen.
...which is to say, of course: Vi has very little in the way of personal opinion about Elizant 1, because she's got little reason to care about dead queens of her own volition and Elizant 1 isn't someone she would've had to look into to know about current policies and how they're likely to change, but she's probably used to hearing any mention of Elizant 1 rapidly devolving into a bunch of criminals yelling at each other over dead people's policies that don't even apply anymore and thus will attempt to avoid the topic of her if necessary.
She's a queen who died. Vi herself thinks very little about her. History's never exactly been her forte. Other people have opinions about her, and her job is to either seem like she Nebulously Agrees or stay extremely neutral on the issue. Or, if she's still stuck as a worker at the hive and feeling particularly cantankerous, inform whoever's talking about her that she's a dumb queen and it's a good thing she died before running off, though it would be in a "disagreeing with people on an issue because you're in a shit mood and want to yell about things" way rather than anything actually opinion-related.
#asks#ask games#we speak#bug fables#we think about the fact that the borders were Not Previously Open a lot it's very fun#elizant 1 has the exact makings to be a Hot Political Topic in the specific spaces vi hangs out in that are Not The Hive#and we feel like vi would pick that up as just “a queen she doesn't like talking about”#no strong opinions one way or another. she knows way more about the complexities of the situation than the average bug against her will
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