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imanes · 3 years

Note

Hello! You mentioned reading Piranesi a few months ago and I finally got around to reading it and I love it so much - thank you for the lovely recommendation <3 If you don't mind can you talk a little about what you loved about the book (I love hearing your thoughts)? Also have you read Jorge Luis Borges' Ficciones (I believe it inspired Piranesi)?

HELLO my friend!! first of all tysm for taking the recommendation, I'm so happy it worked for you! honestly what do I NOT love about this book? it's hard to wrap my thoughts about piranesi because it was such a lovely reading experience which i honestly need to repeat ASAP because the layers to explore in piranesi are so numerous. secondly let me admit that i haven't read any borges yet BUT he's definitely on my radar and I've been looking for his books on my used bookstore runs since i read piranesi, not to much avail unfortunately but i added ficciones to my tbr for reminder!!

anyways I'm gonna stop right here for anyone who has not read piranesi yet because i think you'd benefit from going into it not knowing much except that it's told in vignettes and that it has elements of mystery which become more and more central to the plot as we advance and unravel the world that piranesi lives in. so don't keep reading past this if u haven't read piranesi yet! i did keep it spoiler-free though so no pressure. also putting everything under a read more bc i truly was obnoxiously verbose adlkjglsjk if it didn't work my apologies 4 it

NOW let's talk about what i loved about the book which honestly will probably just be a flimsy overview bc again i think a re-read would make what i love about it more salient and richer but i guess we can already have a start here!

first of all, the character of piranesi. when i first started the book and immersed myself in his inner voice, i was kind of thinking ok there must be a reason as to why he is so incredibly wholesome but also with an extremely sharp mind and immaculate observation skills. the childlike wonder of his perspective was an absolute joy to read from but also provided some tension because i think pretty early on you catch that he might be a bit of an unreliable character and that what he tells you may not match the reality of what his experiences and observations mean to the reader. you're very much the prisoner of his limited perception, his sometimes bizarre but always delightful thought process, and also again the childlike wonder with which he observes the world and which makes everything carry so much more weight w/o resorting to pompous/pretentious gravitas. a statue isn't just a statue to him, it is the Statue, something important in and of itself, with its own story/mythos and it harkens back to a child's point of view which hasn't yet been shaped by the world and therefore isn't as limited as our jaded adults' minds, even though he is an adult himself, which is apparent in his very keen mind.

then we have the form, with the novel being told in vignettes. i personally really like novels such as these because they feel a lot more personal but also propels the story forward. I'm not a fan of huge chapters tbh because my attention span is trash lmao. it was so easy to immerse myself in his world because the writing was so vivid and honestly made me reevaluate a lot about myself adjdjslg. I'm not much of a quote person but "the Beauty of the House is immeasurable; its Kindness infinite" lives rent-free in my mind because 1. it appears at two key points in the novel and both iterations echo the other brilliantly in their respective context and thus add even more meaning to the quote and 2. i think it's a beautiful metaphor for the world we live in, which leads me to the next point

what i mostly clung to during my reading experience was the theme of confinement to a specific physical space, which can feel suffocating and limited. susanna clarke suffers from a chronic illness that has kept her within the confines of her home for many years and this book very much reflects that. from my personal experience with that theme, i was less reminded of how thematically relevant it was in the middle of a pandemic, and more about how much goodness there is still in this world at a time where everything seems so bleak, and unkind. i myself suffer from an ugly case of chronic cynicism which i think is very unappealing lmao but at least I'm self-aware! being reminded that we live in a world where kindness is indeed infinite in the smallest and biggest of ways is the balm that my shriveled soul truly needed. i guess it's my emotional support quote lmao.

then we have the setting of the book which, while limited spatially, is also so full of wonderful things and imaginative configurations that i was just in awe of everything that was being done with it. the plot is closely tied to the setting and i really want to keep this spoiler-free (just in case) so I'm not going to delve too deeply into it but i'd love to visit this place and have piranesi guide me through the labyrinth of the House and the many wonders (and tragedies) that it holds.

finally we have the MYSTERY and omg i love picking up the clues and kind of forming my own theories along the way bc it truly isn't an in-your-face mystery like a thriller would be. we buddy-read this with some ppl from the book club so the experience of sharing our theories made it all the more pleasant. i really loved how clarke presented the many mysteries of the story in such a subtle yet gripping manner that soon i was just obsessed with knowing who was whom and what they wanted from piranesi and who piranesi was and how this all came to be. all the different players felt fully fleshed out and made me feel veeeery strongly (i.e. i wanted to kill some of them like literally daydreaming about choking them to death... not to sound unhinged or anything). they provided such good foils to piranesi's inherent goodness and all that they lacked in terms of decency. their shamelessness and infinite greed and how they see piranesi as a pawn to use set my teeth on edge so i was just biding my time for the karmic retribution that they'd get akjdlkgj also great exploration of how ambition can be the downfall of mankind

then we have all the clever-people-themes of neoclassicism and philosophy and plato's cave and whatnot and it's not what held my attention so i can't speak much on it bc I'm not one of those clever people who picked upon these themes LMAO but I'll for sure spend more time unpacking these layers on my re-read of this book because there are so many smart ideas hidden in the nooks and crannies of this story that i think you could get something different from each read, kind of like i feel about pride & prejudice by jane austen which offers me new delights to enjoy upon each re-read.

honestly i have so much more to say about how religion is handled, the rituals surrounding grief and their importance in the celebration and respect of of life, birds being amazing creatures, identity and how it can create contradictions etc etc but at this point i might as well just write a college essay on literally every theme explored in this book because it was just SO GOOD! thank u piranesi for me life

tl;dr this book made me feel like my brain was buried in a thick coat of dust and let some much-needed air in

#also i read this message at like 6am and thought long and hard about it #and then started crying bc i'd die and kill for piranesi period

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dahniwitchoflight · 3 years

Text

Homesquared Chapter 16

Alrighty, that was a fun tangent, now back to John it seems?

Oh, no, Narration of John (So Actually Dirk, speak of the devil and he shall appear and all that etc etc)

“ leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had. “

pfft lol so Im not the only one that thought it would be funny if that scene was interpreted in a Pale Romantic light, even though that really wasn’t what was happening

OIh! but we still get Roxy, just the other version of Roxy

Roxy subtly being like “hey!! shit has apparently gone down, were not exactly close atm but I feel bad about you dying to want to know if youre still alive so im gonna message you while trying to make it look like i dont care about it as much as I do”

JOHN: trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so

and the wonderful question is, what IS going be happening with you now John?

Roxy looking nice and casual, but also yeah narration, why are you making this ominous, its not like Roxy’s out here to double spy on behalf of Jane, I don’t think Roxys on her side THAT much

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out

ROXY: but so far so good

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Roxy once again being a master of hiding how shes feeling, even when trying to open up, feeling pretty stressed about whats happening with Jane, understandable, the exclamation points give it away lol

The narration is really trying to make John nervous though

OH lol that was the implication haha no lol John it obviously wasn’t that

“John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced? He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.“

lol once again, Dirk has no idea how to read Roxy at all and just trips over himself and his assumptions XD

Yeah, looks like Roxy not on the Jane train and is doing some takesies backsies, shes glossing over her feelings on the matter still though, I know thats par for the course of how Roxy tends to handle stuff too but I wish shed open up a bit more, but maybe shes playing the smart game, yknow, knowing that Dirk has a hard time reading her, so glossing over stuff is how you protect yourself against the narrative force, confusion and vaguery in the narrative and her actions only helps her to keep control over it, because at any point, you can decide to “clear up” any narrative “miscommunication” or “confusion” and lay down what is it thats actually happening with you any time you want

Void working in the behind the scenes to do what they want

JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE.

JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house?

JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self?

JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know?

JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something?

JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames.

JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it.

JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late?

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good.

JOHN: but that’s just bullshit.

JOHN: it DID feel good.

JOHN: i DO feel free.

JOHN: sorry.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize

ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn

JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Im pretty sure you’re talking about a gender thing John, like, very 100% sure now this is what’s happening

because if you were actually a girl, of course you’re dad leaving all these notes about how one day hes gonna be so proud of the man youll become, yeah, that can feel a little pressuring, even if your dad didnt mean it like that, since he was unfailingly the kind of dad just bumbling around trying to understand their kid as best they could and leave encouragements everywhere, thats what his intent was, but all his notes come off a bit wrong in particular issues

remember the note under the fridge that was all like “SON. IF YOURE READING THIS NOTE, YOUVE FINALLY BECOME STRONG ENOUGH OF A MAN TO PICK UP THE FRIDGE.” not exactly that but that was always the vibe Dad’s little notes always had

Yeah, i can see how John would view it as a bit off, but if he hadnt the self awareness to realize it was a gender thing at the time, hed be understandly confused as to why such a thing would bother him

now though, he’s realizing, maybe, he doesn’t exactly want to be the man his dad always encouraged him to be

John does seem a lot happier here in his convo with Roxy than he did on his own when the house was burning, that conversation with karkat left me wondering if John was about to start dissociating he was so down, but here he says he feels freeing and happy about it?

ROXY: but like now that u mention it

ROXY: *meaningful pause*

JOHN: …

JOHN: i

JOHN:

John’s beginning to question stuff, or acknowledge that he’s questioning stuff, cuz it’s true, and hes feeling happy about it, in a way that he wasnt before, but he hasnt quite connected the dots here between the happy feeling and what exactly he has to be happy about

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

JOHN: yeah ok.

Yeah Roxy’s 100% picked up on it, and maybe Dirk has as well if the narration is commenting on it

Alrighty then, to the secret lair under the bed!

oh I just noticed how kind of cute and interesting Roxy’s nickname for Harry is, “Lil H A” Harry Anderson shortens to Ha like laughter haha

and if Harry had Roxy’s last name, it’d be Harry Anderson Lalonde

Lil HAL

lol what is Callie doing under Roxy’s secret bedchamber XD

This whole secret bedchamber thing is turning into one big metaphor isn’t it?

That thing behind the curtain kind of looks like the Attic Portal shape from Hiveswap though

that’d be neat if that was it, like obviously we knew one of the cherubs had to have something to do with that portal just going by the design of it alone

Honestly it makes sense that Callie is doing it under the curtain of Roxy’s Void, it’s honestly the safest place to do something like that

lol Calliope has grown past writing fanfic about shipping and being in love, now the drama of broken relationships and divorce is all the rage XD character growth? haha

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point.

Calliope just burned him harder than his childhood home’s destruction

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

have you been talking to Jake lol (I mean, probably Original Grandpa Jake tbh if that portal is actually the portal)

Alright so John is getting caught up on the major plot points, Earth C is indeed in the large black hole, his choice didn’t matter since both choices happened anyway yadda yadda

CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip.

CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads".

CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads.

yup yup yup pretty par for the course of timesplits in homestuck so far

CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are".

yup, this is true, the ending’s of both referenced the others, so it’s disingenuous to say one is “canon” while the other isn’t

one is simply in the realm of actual possibility, the other is in the realm of unlikely possibility

More than likely, John would have chosen to leave and go die and be the hero like in Meat, but there was still the possibility that he would stay, even if it was unlikelier than the other, but since both were possible choices for him to realistically make, both actually happened for real

CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity

that’s interesting, so there’s the original meteor that crashed into the surface of Earth C, and it’s in here that the singularity of what I don’t wanna call the Green Hole to match the Green Sun when I wanna talk about this specific Black Hole lolol

but yeah, here in this meteor lies the crux of the paradox it seems, interesting, also interesting again, this is where that Hiveswap Portal is

Hiveswap does have a plot point of “Joey must do thing in 11 days otherwise Earth and Alternia will be destroyed” and the only known destruction event of Earth and Alternia so far in canon is the Green Sun’s Creation from the destruction of both universes (and then later Callie’s destruction of the green sun into the black hole) so is Hiveswap gonna be a factor in the green sun’s destruction/creation as well? (Joey has the symbol of the Green Sun for a reason, I’m super curious as to what factor Joey has in relation to the Green Sun’s Existence, We still don’t know what the fact those black monsters are too, they’re like nega-first guardians, the kind of things that look like would come out of a Black Hole that came from the Green Sun tbh)

It’s all inter-related I tells ya

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

You say that now but

CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish.

CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart!

CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been.

yeah that’s basically how this multiverse’s reality works, the future is a thing that already physically exists, just in a different location in the universe somewhere else

time travel and spacial teleportation could be said to be the same thing all along

that’s why violating the events of the future has actual consequences, because its like asking to go somewhere that doesn’t exist but how has to exist because it’s the future, too much of that and reality starts cracking at the seams to make room

same thing happens with sessions and playing sburb

the planets and dreaming moons and all that simultaneously have always existed here, and started existing only because the player played the game and the planets were generated upon entering a session, but to the player involved, it looks and feels like you are just being teleported to a different location in the universe, because you also kind of are

CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary.

CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence.

CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon.

CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist!

So you’re just in a little seperated bubble, that’s not connect temporally to any other place of existence, you aren’t anywhere in the past or the future of anywhere else

nowhere leads here, and here can not lead outwards either, theoretically, and yes it exists, so it must also

JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...?

CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal.

CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific.

JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that.

CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U

CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley.

CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u=

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So someone else definitely has managed to do such a thing

JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything?

JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal?

CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not.

CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm.

JOHN: oh.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

yeah, so because here in the black hole neither affects the past or the future of anywhere else, being so disconnected, they are technically free of the reigns of the Alpha Timeline that exists elsewhere in the multiverse

the Alpha Timeline now being understood to simply mean, The Narrative

Things are the way they are because they are thus written to be so

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth.

CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher.

ROXY: its total bs is what it is

CALLIOPE: right, yes.

CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite.

CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Hmmm. It’s a dangerous idea to be playing with for sure, to decide all the black pieces in the game of chess suddenly become white, it is a very flip turning of reality upside down to be sure

To be honest, I’d think you’d need a powerful Doom player at your disposal to even try something like this

or actually, a powerful Doom user would be most likely to shut this entire thing down, knowing how bad of an idea it’d be, maybe it’s more you need a powerful Life player to do something like this instead

is that also why Dirk viewed Jane as an ally then? She would technically have the kind of power to upend the black and white doomy laws of reality if driven to her full potential, i mean obviously yes, we know this already because of the candy colored I-can-do-whatever-I-want-with-no-consequences lollipop

Is this what Calliope hopes to achieve with the Hiveswap Portal then? her goals for Joey and friends are to be the ones to prevent their universe’s twin destructions, and thus the Green Sun’s initial existence and then also the destruction into the Black Hole after the fact? that would be one way to prevent the Black Hole from existing, making it so the thing that creates the black hole never exists either

and that's certainly a canon event that would be difficult to tear asunder without major consequences

That would be a “Re-writing Homestuck from the very beginning” level of canon event

And if I’m correct, Joey is theorized by me to be a Mage of Life, if any classpect at their full potential was gonna do something like that, or have the impossible knowledge to something impossibly paradoxical like that, well..

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh

ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then.

ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense

ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan.

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

I mean yeah! makes sense! Johns major factor here is Freedom, Vriska’s is Importance

and yeah, I can think of no other wholly dramatic event that to mess with stuff with the Green Sun, everyone will have eyes on that, they have to, their whole existence the way it is relies on it

But, they could also mean something else, its only condition is that it has to be something so imflappably impossible, something so not-canon and so outrageous that it basically horse-shoes around to the other end of the canon spectrum to being something that truly exists again

and that could be literally anything and it’s nerve wracking and exciting to see what thing theyre gonna come up with to just directly kneecap Homestuck itself

ROXY: thx babe

ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or

JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine.

(yeah that’s because Babe can be construed as feminine June)

so, I’m basically convinced they’re doing June Egbert now

that to me was like, pretty severely on the nose

John: Hey Roxy, what it does mean when you find a sense of freedom when all of the symbolism of the masculinity surrounding your childhood burns down around you

Roxy: idk It’s probably a gender thing man

John: I didn’t say the word gender-

Roxy: It’s ok babe no pressure, we can hash it out later

John: Hmm, later then. :)

Roxy: (Turns and looks towards the camera with a knowing smile)

shit all that imagery makes me think of Roxy as that picture of the small kid smirking at the camera while a house burns in the distance XD

#Homesquared #june egbert #john egbert #yeah theres no way there not gonna bring up June Egbert as a apossibility now #Roxy couldn't have quirked her eyebrows harder at the fourth wall if they had tried #Homestuck #I'm basically convinced now lol #that plus my reaction to chapter 14

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brw · 4 years

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4, 10, 32 and 33 for the marvel comics asks? ♥

4 - favourite x-men villain

the writers uh there’s a lot i like! x-men are. vv good with villains tbh. i feel like i’m cheating if i say Mag Neet Toe because a) obvious and b) technically he’s not a villain anymore he’s a,,, p*litician 🤢🤢🤢 i would. also like to say Mystique but idk if she counts? but u know what i guess nobody really counts as a villain anymore because they’re all.. basically forced to be friends so i say mystique! she’s canonically bisexual and has a wife and i LOVE THEM SM it’s. very good. she has GUNS and is VIOLENT and ANGRY and while also 😔 very sexualised but u know comics a woman can’t be in any way unattractive if she has any one of these traits. but she’s cool and she vibes and yes she’s,,, a shitty mother but u know what we let magneto get away with his awful treatment of pietro n wanda (and lorna tho i. haven’t read too much of them together tbh shshsjnshj) so. she gets the Gay Pass. anyway bring back her wife or suffer her wrath 🙃🙃🙃 honourable mention to my best girl madelyne pryor i absolutely LOVE her but she deserves so much better then what she gets so. hshshhs

10 - what character has the best character development?

honestly i could name a LOT but partially because writers are inconsistent as hell it’s actually hard to say,,, but tbh i’m gonna go with my underrated fave wonder man. man had a chronic anxiety disorder for a good few years and was Struggling and honestly like. same. everyone else goes right ahead into danger and he’s just freaking out in the background and is AWARE of this and feels ashamed for not being strong enough emotionally despite being one of the most powerful members. and u know what? checks himself and decides to do something he loves (acting) which helps him with his confidence! he actually gets better and begins to Grow and Learn. then there’s a. slight degression in the 80s and 90s but shhh comics during that time were generally... b*d. BUT. he then kinda becomes more Normal, kinda a jokeish character tbh at some points and just kind of there to Punch and act as filler. THEN. has a slight Mental Breakdown (had a few of those in the 80s & 90s) and by the end of it decides that enough is enough and that he does not want to cause people any more harm, which is ESPECIALLY meaningful when u remember that he is canonically a survivor of childhood physical abuse at the hands of his father & brother. he makes the DECISION despite his background and despite his strength to be a pacifist, to not resort to violence because he feels like he’s hurt too many. much like how he decided to be a hero despite previously getting incarcerated for embezzlement. simon has messed up multiple times, and has suffered through so much and (especially during the 80s-90s) has been angry and destructive (rightfully so) but despite that he refuses to let it consume or be his defining characteristic and chooses to be a pacifist and i. i love him a lot ok.

32 - which character has the coolest powers?

I’D LOVE TO NAME WANDA IF PEOPLE COULD ACTUALLY DECIDE WHAT THEY WERE LIKE I--

um. but there’s! a lot i like. obviously i like my mans wonder man who is A Being Of Pure Ionic Energy or whatever the fuck, straight up no organs where did they go what happened why did him being able to turn purple snatch his organs??? BUT. also am a big big fan of mr reed richards and his horrifying stretchy long body

he’s gross. disgusting. body horror rep we all need i love him so dearly cdhdhdh. i also LOVE LOVE LOVE the silver surfer’s powers he’s cool as hell. man just floats around in space naked on a surfboard and honestly king. me too. you wish you could be half as cool as motherfuckign norrin radd of zenn-la. monica rambeau’s powers are also awesome like??? she can become ANY kind of energy she wants that’s dope. like she can even duplicate unknown energies if she see’s it for long enough... honestly imo the BEST captain marvel. she’s so cool. i’m love her.

33 - who’s your favourite character without powers?

OOO BOY. there’s. quite a few i like. edwin jarvis, the butler of the avengers is,,, probably my fave lmao. he’s trying SO hard n he’s so sweet and. honestly a miracle he’s alive. anyone that goes in or out of that mansion is his child no matter who you are. his dad vibes are immense. i,,, i love him a lot. also robbie robertson (epic fucking name btw /s) from the daily bugle who is. honestly a legend. i could probably read... a LOT more spiderman comics but. i love him a lot he’s very supportive and caring and. i trust this man. the only man in the news business with right tbh. everyone else GET OUT.

marvel comics asks!

#captainjanegay #TY FOR ASKING!!#ask games} answers #💛💛💛

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taikanyohou · 4 years

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hey faiza!!! i hope you've been having a good day so far 💕 i was scrolling through your replies tag (which i do every other week when i have free time bc you have a beautiful way with words and it helps put my mind at ease for a while) and i thought it was already past the time where i come here and express my gratitude to you (which i tried doing once before but i felt awkward and didn't want to be a nuisance (haha get it?)). ever since i began following, i've learned so so SO much. not only +

+ about the islam and all desi matters (that i had so little knowledge about, shame on me! it's a beautiful culture and i'm so glad i'm able to see a slice of and learn about it through your blog!!), but also about so many other things, whether it be lgbtqia+ topics, just perks of life and even how to be more conscious and educated about the things and pieces of media i consume. i'm just a teenager u kno, whereas you are already a grown woman, so i couldn't possibly compare us as equal, as you certainly have more life experiences and knowledge than i do, and we come from drastically different places; my view of the world is still so limited to my surroundings and where i come from, but it's within the internet that i find a place to learn more about others and make that view of the world be wider, richer and more mindful. god i feel like im derailing, sorry shdhajd, but my point is: i didn't expect to be able to learn so much when i began watching bls again this year, i thought i would watch the shows, follow some blogs for pretty gifs, and that's all. but i was wrong, because tumblr gave me the opportunity to meet and befriend so many incredible people and i was so lucky that you were one of them. i've said this before but, my tumblr experience is so much better whenever i see you on my dash talking about whatever it is, and i look up to you so so so much. i'm not a religious person but the way you talk about the islam, the Qur'an or Allah makes me feel so emotional and it's beautiful to see this deep and passionate connection you have with this religion. and just how incredibly articulated you are when talking about any topic, it always makes me stop scrolling and read all the things you write. i adore reading your thoughts, your opinions and your take on things because they always come from a place of reflection, appreciation and respect, and i admire that a lot. you have such a wonderful and kind soul, it's so inspiring to me to see how you always try to be positive, optimistic and respectful no matter what is in front of you. of course, we don't //really// know each other that well, but the little of you that you pour out and show us is already so beautiful and welcoming 💓 i'm gonna stop now i'm sorry that this is so long goddd i just.... i wanted to thank you for all that you do for those who follow you and how impactful your presence on my tumblr experience has been. (i swear to you, when you followed me back on this blog before i made the sideblog, i legit freaked out lmao my mind was "WHAT??? SHE, WHO'S SO CLEVER AND AMAZING AND TALENTED, JUST FOLLOWED ME? WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER?? SJDHSJSJ WHAT" and tbh i still don't know What made you want to be mutuals but i'm glad for whatever it was 💞) i hope all the parts go and im so sorry it's so long shdnksjdj

dawn!!! hello my sunshine!!!!!!!!! i hope you've had a lovely week, and i hope this weekend you take some time off and relax! i hope you're doing well!!!

oh my goodness me i- what have i done to deserve this I DO NOT DESERVE this. thank you so so much for just. being so loving and you are so so wise, i READ your tags, i READ your posts. and i think, despite however old or young people are, there's something to learn from everyone. there's something to appreciate and pick up on and implement and become more aware of and about from everyone's story of life. so don't ever think you may not have much to offer!

this year's been hard. a lot has happened. and i think everything has been a lesson to learn from, and for us to really truly understand what it is that really matters the most to us, and to show gratitude for what we have, all the blessings we have. and its hard to stay positive all the time, and thats okay. sometimes, our sadness needs room and space also where its telling us to just ... take a moment and reflect on why the sadness is there. but i've become so .... adamant that i choose to go back and think positively again. bc although it feels like we've been stripped away from being physically social, i've seen how much goodness and humanity there is still left within people on here, within all my mutuals - and i realised that, as long as there is goodness in this world, there's no reason to give up on hope. people together can make so many things happen.

and part of, i feel, what people should be proud of, is being proud of who they are. not in the arrogant sense, but in terms of WHO you are. what makes you, you. and now more than ever we need to know about one another. about different backgrounds and cultures and religions and beliefs etc. we can become ambassadors of those things, and being an authentic source of knowledge for people. of course, not everyone may like that, but thats okay. knowledge is power and there's so much knowledge out there for us to dip into. by learning from another, we can truly enrich ourselves, find out about commonalities and similarities and differences and contrasts. and ultimately realise that every single one of us has the right to life and the right to live. we can share our sorrow and pain, and also share our moments of joy and happiness too. we may not all agree on the same thing, but that should not sway us from wanting to befriend someone and missing out on an opportunity to get to know someone, just because you may not agree on one thing. there could be 10 things you do agree on vs that 1 that you dont. and that doesnt stop you from being any less you, nor them being any less them. we all deserve respect and kindness, despite our similarities and despite our differences from one place, culture, religion or belief, to the next.

there is just. there is so much good in this world, in nature, in people. we need to celebrate that. we need to appreciate goodness and just. be thankful for everything we have, and anything we get on top of what we have, is a blessing.

thank you so so so much!!! i love youuuuu!!!! 🧡🧡🧡

#faiza answers #DAWN THIS MESSAGE EYE- 🧡🧡🧡😚😚😚😚😚😚😚😚😚

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witchsickness · 4 years

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Your scumbag Steve anon here, I love your stuff and am so flattered you’d be willing to listen to headcanons and prompts ❤️ I don’t have anything specific in mind, but would you mind telling us all what your favourite and least favourite harringrove things to write about are?

anon 🥰🥺💘💘 i would like to inform you that ily and. as of right now u are the sole possessor of my heart

im. once again left speechless by all your wonderfully kind words, and idk if any of what follows makes any sense, but. hey. u asked, so. here goes

when it comes to writing billy, which is. generally the case these days (i think i. get him more than i get steve? his way of thinking is closer to mine anyway) i find it so much easier to go wild with the internal monologue. billy’s such a potentially complex and intriguing character, and we only ever got one layer of him on the show, so that leaves me with a vast field of untapped potential and unexplored possibilities to build my version of him on

he’s made of contradictions, and i’ve seen countless different versions of him, but in my mind he’ll always be the quintessentially tragic hero. a trauma-stricken kid who grew up too fast and had to develop way too many coping mechanisms to stay alive, and writing his thought process is just. so fascinating, bc i think. constantly observing his surroundings, being aware of every little movement and shift in someone’s mood, cataloguing possible exits and outcomes, these things are honed survival skills for him, and i just. love exploring that. trying to understand how his mind works and how his thoughts are always racing and how everything he says and does is calculated and polished obsessively

i think that’s why i. struggle with writing dialogue? i see billy as someone who just. doesn’t say a lot. to anyone. ever. this boy is a walking barrel of trust issues, and i think. in the show, especially, we never really get to see HIM. we only ever see the carefully selected masks he puts on for each person he interacts with, bc he’s clever, like. really, really clever, and he knows how to twist words and manipulate people and situations to get his way, and. growing up under neil’s thumb def meant that speaking his mind would result in punishment, physical and emotional, so i just. don’t see him doing that. he’s quiet and observing the world around him until he needs something, and then he says what he needs to say, what others want to hear, and never actually expresses his own thoughts

which brings me to. both steve and billy. whooo these boys carry heaps of issues on their shoulders, like. u name it. physical and emotional abuse by a family member? check. abandonment issues courtesy of a bad breakup or a lack of motherly instincts? check. nightmares / ptsd / insomniac walks when the world’s asleep? double check. deeply rooted sadness, and loneliness, and resignation? that’s a yes from me, chief.

the show. either glosses over the trauma or. bypasses it entirely, and like. i get it. that’s not what the show’s about, but also. asha;slfa i don’t really care about the show, tbh? def not in relation to billy and steve

i’m so much more interested in exploring the trauma cause by actual, real life events, rather than the one brought on by supernatural meat puppies, like. i get it, the supernatural horror aspect of the show is rly cool to look at, but that’s not what i care about when i’m writing them. these two. they don’t need any otherwordly lovecraftian monsters to be fucked up. their lives so far have made sure of that, and THAT’S what i’m interested in exploring

the hurt / comfort aspect of their relationship is probably my uhhhh absolutely favorite thing in the entire world. the trust issues they’re both plagued by ensure that functional verbal communication’s gonna take a LOT of time to be a Thing between them, and they’re both minefields ready to go off at the first misplaced step, and i just. love that. i love that it’s not sth they can have for granted, this safe space they’ll find in one another. i love exploring that, how they dance around each other, learn each other’s silent language, test each other’s limits. learn that they can be safe around each other, only around each other, for the first time in their lives

i’ve never actually written a soulmate au for them, but. the thing is. they don’t need any additional soulmate tropes, these two. their entire storyline is a soulmate trope in and of itself, the ‘one of them has an excessive amount of love and no one to give it to and the other burns with a hungry kind of desperation for this exact type of love’ and that. is one of my favorite things to write for them, and makes me lose my mind every time, bc. here u have these two broken boys, broken almost beyond repair, who have both spent their lives in loneliness, one way or another, who never had a safe space, people to depend on, and u have. all these obstacles they have to overcome, but. there’s this inevitability hanging over them from the start, that. no matter what, they’ll always find each other and build a home in each other and become a forever. each other’s forever

#i have. zero idea if any of this makes sense but i got way too excited that you'd care abt my opinion on uh. anything tbh so!#i got a lil bit carried away askfs;fsa #i could literally write pages on why i love writing them finding each other and falling in love but this is already. so much longer!#than it should be! and i didnt even delve into my unfathomably vast loathing for whatever the hell s3 was supposed to be #anon i hope thats what u were looking for? me rambling incoherently abt these two idiots!!#ily and i hope you're having a great day and thank u so much for sending this like seriously. you're so freakin kind ❤#and my offer stands! if u ever want me to write sth for u id be delighted to! 🥰💘✨#anon #ask

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cruddyborderlandstheories · 5 years

Text

im supposed to be working on uh literally anything else but instead i gotta get this outta my brain

tl;dr: slag is causing the Psychos to spread across the galaxy bc the Calypsos are using it to both brainwash their cultists and give them ‘special powers’. i mean, its not just slag, it’s eridian ruins/tech, too, but the Twins are utilizing slag the most. which explains the slagfalls and also the processed eridium everywhere still. im hoping sirens will help us cure this- starting with Krieg because slag/Psychos have some sort of connection to the other dimension, just like Sirens, but more messy. also this insanity from the slag/Psycho-ness is literally Mayhem and us fans are taking part in it- we’re the cult irl. plus, this game is gonna be about love and the relationships we have with the people we care about and that’s all the roses mean because i’m feeling s o f t tonight. tomorning. whatever maaaaan

“… among their fractured ramblings, it is tempting to try and find a deeper meaning…”

“[their madness] defies attempts at explanation or containment. from an isolated region of a single planet, to a nearby moon, to systems throughout every human colony, madness is catching…”

you can’t tell me this isn’t just BEGGING for us to figure it out

so, for my own sake:

i have a theory.

i kinda sorta hinted at this with my destroyer theory but i REALLY wanna go all out in this because i think this is actually something to think about… mostly because ive seen A Scene… and i wants to talk about it, vh. i wants it

now im gonna `lol` ignore everything about my lost legion eternal theory and start entirely from scratch. it’s also 1am here for my apologies if this comes across as incoherent because wow i should be asleep but fuck it i got research to do

so it all starts with psychos. i mean i guess it does. it’s gotta right? i brought in pictures it must

anyway

the guide admits that the first psychos came from Dahl’s prison colonies

the ones abandoned on pandora, now ive kinda talked about this b4 but imma talk about it again bc uhhh fuck it? why not.

so we know a lot of the bandits left on Pandora mutated because of the eridian ruins/the key. this is referenced mostly in sledge’s mine

its like world-wise called headstone mine but i never remember that. SLEDGE’S MINE

notice that line “most went crazy and many were physically mutated as well”

so i think it’s safe to say whatever they found in there started causing psychos to appear on pandora

im saying that i think eridians are the cause of Psychos across the galaxy

i have a lot more proof for this so please sit back and enjoy the ride because i think its really really cool

so lets look at hector’s logs from the newest dlc

“one of my boys found a shiny alien trinket”

“a few boys went rabid already, had to put them down”

now idk if there’s a connection here, but it’s interesting that both times, people who found these eridian artifacts started going crazy soon after

shit i mean even tannis begins to go off the wall after her and her dig team start investigating the eridian sites. although if that is because of the horrific incidents that befell her and her team or the ruins idk for certain. i’d bet its the shitty incidents tho

there’s more to this, hang on…

alright, so, lab rats? they’re pretty cool right?

we all like lab rats! personally, chase is my favorite, but adam is hilarious. that final season, huh? pretty wicked… wasn’t really a fan of the island setting but you know what, to each their own. it’s cool they actually progressed the show instead of staying stagnant. that got my respect even if it moved in a direction that wasn’t my cup of tea.

anyway Q U O T E S:

“Hyperion opened my eyes. i didn’t want it!”

“needles in my eyes!”

“don’t you look at me!”

“i can see! i don’t want to see!”

so there’s obviously something ~fucky~ going on with the lab rats and whatever it is they can see from the hyperion experimentation. we know hyperion had a hard-on for slag experimentation and you know i wouldn’t even be shocked if they were injecting these rats’ eyes with slag.

the best part is their reactions when they’re phaselocked. Unlike most enemies, the lab rats will only react to maya’s action skill, and none of the other VHs.

vs something like a marauder:

who has all these voice lines for Zer0, Axton, Sal (merc), AND Maya

the lab rats will only ever respond to being phaselocked.

and what do they say?

“i see the universe!”

“i see infinity!”

“it’s beautiful!”

(now weirdly enough i was told on the tv tropes for bl2 that the lab rats will say “I see it more!” when phaselocked by maya, but i couldn’t find a source for that. couldn’t even find it in the files i extracted from the game. i checked an online video just to double check because you know, my extraction could’ve been off, but it wasn’t there, either. even phaselocked one a bunch as maya and i couldn’t get it to proc. so, idk where that info came from, if someone could give a source/proof that would be awesomesauce.)

sooo what do other enemies say when phaselocked? usually… they just see blue. so nothing quite as interesting as infinity.

so wtf is up here?

im thinking the experiments hyperion performed on the lab rats are letting them see the dimension maya locks them in. i mean, tbh, i think they can see into that dimension whenever they open their eyes, but maybe maya’s phaselock makes sense of it for them. because they seem to be in indescribable agony outside of it

but the lab rats aren’t the only enemies that only react to being phaselocked

turns out the psychos only react to phaselocking, too

they also have some fun lines:

“I can see forever!”

“I’m home!”

“I’m inside… I’M INSIDE ME!”

with some other nonsense thrown in for fun

so idk, just taking a look at this, it’s clear the psychos and lab rats are seeing something that the other bandits just aren’t seeing. most reactions are demands to be released or that they’re flying, or just straight up confusion as to what’s happening.

is that the side effect of their exposure to slag/eridian tech? yeah, imma bet on it. their mind machines probably broke because they saw something they weren’t supposed to (possibly into the other dimension. the one maya phaselocks them in) without proper ‘protection’ and thus went batshit. like maybe sirens are protected from the craziness of the other dimension because they’re ‘chosen’ or whatever. iunno.

i do think it’s most interesting that the psychos seem familiar with whatever they’re seeing, calling it ‘home’ and well… themselves.

so why in the fuck am i talking about all this? because i think it ties straight into bl3.

let’s bring back lab rats and their experiments

you know how hyperion was supposedly injecting their eyes with slag? and it caused them to shoot those weird blue lasers out?

what happens to the destroyer’s eye in tps?

yeah we inject this bad boy with slag

“i only juice the eye with a little bit of slag at a time”

which ends up causing a singularity around the eye the second time you do it

“if this slag stuff is powering the laser, we need to force as much of it as we can back into the eye. the increased power will trip a failsafe and let us shut everything down”

oh, increased power? you mean like how Sirens get increased power from absorbing eridium? that kind of increased power?

we know in bl1 the Destroyer seemed to have something like slag in it- those glowing pockets on the tentacles that explode into purple goo

even its attacks are like purple liquid. which, you know… would be quite similar to slag (tho tbf, these attacks actually hurt instead of applying the debuff)

and boy does the destroyer not like it

“warning. space-time instability detected.” after injecting the eye with too much slag. but… why? it got too powerful? are its powers directly connected to the other dimension and by increasing it’s strength a bunch we created some sorta link between our dimension and the other one?

i mean given the other dimension allows for teleportation and shit, im not surprised there’s a space-time instability!

i mean we’ve all seen it do the eye laser thing, and the tentacles, and the purple goop. but causing space-time instabilities… that’s new isn’t it? kinda like how Sirens get new powers after they absorb a bunch of eridium???

so i wanna take a guess as to what the destroyer is

we know its ‘immortal in its own realm’ but when it’s taken an actual body that we can kill it, so odds are, it never actually died in bl1 OR tps. i imagine the Destroyer we see in bl1 is just a small fragment of it, and that it’s consciousness can be spread out across hosts. *EDIT: actually the lovely @automata-systemata-hydromata reminded me that you can find the destroyers brain in Helios. The other stuff I left in should be fine tho I thiiiink (thank you!).

and that, y’know, is cool and all, but what IS it??

Jack uses slag to give it a power boost, but it doesn’t seem to be happy about it when it happens. in fact, it even seems scared.

to be honest, all we know is that the eridians locked it away for some reason

idk im just spitballing here, but what if the Eridians were the creators of the destroyer? not intentionally, or maybe it was the result of one hell of a slag experiment/exposure to the other dimension/eridian tech, but we’ve seen what slag/exposure to eridian stuff does to humans… makes them go crazy, makes them start mutating. i mean, look at badass psychos. look at goliaths.

i mean shit even think about bloodwing. she goes wild, attacking the VHs and not listening to mordecai’s instructions despite their bond

she grows to a huge size and gains a whole shitload of new powers she didn’t have before. including fucking fire breath (which we’ve seen in burning psychos)

you know these dudes

i go into all this eridium/slag mutation stuff in SO much more detail in this post here, so if you’re interested in mutations, read this!

so what if the destroyer is just one HELL of a mutated eridian/alien and it plus all the eridium was locked away forever in the other dimension to keep this from ever happening again? because god, i wouldn’t want that to ever happen again, either, and i guess locking away the eridium (you know the stuff used in all these hyperion experiments) would be their best bet at ensuring it. also maybe just… locking away anything with eridium for that long probably isn’t the best idea… maybe that’s why it’s all tentacles and death. maybe they just locked someone away in a Vault as a prison and then leaving them with all that eridium caused them to mutate wildly out of control. kinda like the FEV.

i mean we know ‘slagged psychos’ look like this

i wouldn’t be surprised if we gave them enough slag/time they’d end up mutating even worse. and the destroyer was left in the vault for hundreds of years.

so wtf is the connection here with Sirens? there’s gotta be one, right??? is slag experimentation the first rung on the ladder of volatile science to achieving siren-hood? like you’d have slag/eridium experiments/mutations -> the lost legion eternal -> actual Sirens. maybe if sirens take in too much eridium they become something like the destroyer. now that’s fucked up to think about.

maybe it’s better the twins took lilith’s powers away from her…

oh, speaking of mutations and burning psychos and hyperion experiments, you know what we haven’t talked about yet?

Krieg.

let’s talk a whole lot about Krieg, because he is super important

krieg is important for a lot of reasons.

u know what his teaser trailer was named?

yeah i don’t think that’s coincidence one bit

ahhh Mayhem.

“deep beneath pandora, an experiment has escaped”

we know krieg is a hyperion test subject, dr samuels confirms this (and apparently contracts insanity as well at the end of the Crawmerax DLC)

also we know some other tests going on at the WEP from the quest Doctor’s Orders:

“this vault key didn’t make eridium come outta the ground for nothing, right?”

and there’s this one very very very interesting line by Tannis at the end of the quest:

“the spread of slag poisoning” yeah call it that DUMB name tannis, im gonna call it what all the kool kids are calling it: ~Mayhem~

so… Krieg.

what’s so special about him?

well… he gives us insight into what the hell is actually going on inside the heads of some psychos.

so idk about you guys but i always took this as a poke at Maya and Krieg, but i realize now that this is talking literally just about Krieg. it’s about his body holding both sides of himself.

krieg does appear to be like lucid behind the psycho controlling his body, which, idk about you guys, but for me that plants some pretty horrible mental images of all the psychos in-game who probably have similarly exasperated people behind them who are getting murdered because they can’t control themselves anymore.

and idk i wrote this whole post about how maybe the slag experimentation is turning people into hosts for the destroyer’s consciousness and that could explain all the wacked up psychos and shit. but tbh im not gonna talk about that today

just about slag experimentation/eridium exposure. we know what it ACTUALLY does and that’s mutate the hell out of things and cause insanity.

Krieg is like… the poster child for slag experimentation/eridium exposure

soooo why does slag experimentation make people go insane? could be any number of reasons, but tbh i would bet it has to do with that other dimension somehow. because eridium isn’t a normal ‘our dimension’ element. it came out of a vault. from a different dimension. and who knows the long-term effects of that shit.

i personally had a theory that the 4th dimension had something to do with time and that only Sirens are able to harness this power, but then i have no idea how to explain angel and amara’s powers through that lense, so eh. fuck it. just seeing an upper dimension would make you go crazy anyway, so let’s not bring any time shit into this because that’s just asking for trouble.

either way

i think that sirens are able to make sense of that other dimension. they have some sort of command of it/some sort of tie to it that allows them to not go crazy the instant they interact with it, unlike psychos. unlike lab rats. unlike Krieg. it’s like… eridium is our window into this other dimension or some shit and Sirens are (literally) able to process it, while it just fucks over anyone else who tries to interact. ~kachow i just introduced parallels~

and tbh i think we’re going to use Sirens to help cure this plague of insanity going around the universe. probably starting with Krieg. i mean, the only time he’s able to get even an iota of control is when he sees Maya. “Turn around pretty lady!!” like… that’s HUGE for him. and Maya’s a Siren. im not saying the power of love isn’t strong… but maybe the power of Sirens is stronger. i’d love if tannis helped us out with that. maya, too, if she really did learn more about sirens on athenas.

this all ties into borderlands 3 for 2 reasons:

1. Mayhem being both the tagline for this game and Krieg the Psycho’s DLC pack is not a coincidence

2. The calypso twins are going to be using slag to both brainwash people into becoming cultists and give them special powers

`breaks fingers` this is the real meat of this theory, all that other stuff was just getting you READY for this

let’s put the Mayhem stuff off to the side for a second and just focus on the Calypso twins.

We know they’re promising their cultists special powers and free brainwashes (lol)

we’ve seen that one concept art from the museum of mayhem with the giant slag pool

we know enemies are STILL dropping refined Eridium even though it seems like all manufacturers have stopped creating slag weaponry

and we’ve seen the slag falls in a bl3 promo material already

oh yes

okay so i said right at the very beginning of this document that i’ve seen A Scene that i wanna talk about and oh baby this is it

This Scene right here

look in the very back there

look familiar???

~it shooouuuuullld~

yeah this is it!!!

so what i think is going down: anyone who’s not already insane is sorta ‘baptized’ as their entrance into this cult in the big ol slagfall. maybe the twins have a way to induce slagged cultists so they can have elemental affinities. not sure about that.

regardless

the twins are using slag to drive people insane (turning them into psychos) as a form of brainwashing to force people to join their cult.

so that’s the special powers and the free brainwashing and the slagfalls down.

let’s talk about why exactly we’re seeing enemies drop bars of refined eridium even though hyperion stopped making them. because the twins are making it!! it makes sense why there’s no slag guns still, even if it still exists in-universe: of course no manufacturer is going to contact an insane bandit cult just to get their hands on slag for their guns.

there was a 7 year dry spell of eridium production so there was no slag to go around, so companies started phasing it out of their guns and replacing it with nuclear.

but the twins have recently started production again. they’re obviously not using it in their guns, or selling it to other manufacturers. so wtf are they using it for? it’s gotta be important, it’s holy holy holy.

special powers and brainwashing!

and the refined eridium is back in circulation, so enemies are still dropping it. see? solution acquired.

as for psycho-ness spreading across the universe? it makes sense. not only are the twins using their slag to brainwash people and turn them into psycho cultists, but people are also being mutated by the eridian ruins/vault keys/vaults on the other planets and being driven insane. This craziness is quite literally Mayhem.

Mayhem is coming, indeed!

now let us talk about what the fucccck gearbox is doing with all that Mayhem stuff in the trailers and shit.

sooo WE are the cult surrounding this game. as the fan base.

do u think it was coincidence that they made ‘ECHOnet’ Streamers the leaders of their big bad cult and then also immediately introduced, in real life, the Twitch ECHOcast extension and invited a bunch of streamers to play their demo? they knew exactly what they were doing. Giving away a free cultist psycho mask to everyone who preorders a console copy of the game? that’s intentional. everyone who preorders the game gets a ‘gold weapon skin pack’? yeah! you know what gold weapons represent in-universe? higher standing in the cult!! gearbox is making commentary on how we are all just like the cultists!

AND THEY ARE TOTALLY RIGHT

all the trailers having something to do with Mayhem? ‘Mask of Mayhem’ ‘Mural of Mayhem’ ‘We are Mayhem’ ‘Mayhem is coming’. We’re all insane cultists because we’re all absolutely fucking rabid for this game and they KNOW IT.

…

oh also we’re all in love with each other lmao.

in all seriousness, i think the game is going to focus a lot on the relationships we have with the people we care about- our found family, our romantic interests, our friendships- and that’s being expressed through the roses.

i think that’s why all the characters are shown in the roses on the cover art. why the roses are so prominent in the So Happy Together trailer. why Zane is sitting at a bar with a rose between himself and his clone (as a joke, but still, it’s the intent).

red roses are, like, the most obvious way to show your affection to someone. and we know the bl3 Vault Hunters are going to find family in each other in this game. that we’re going to watch the calypso twins’ relationship become warped as the game goes on. hell, we’re probably even going to have a whole plot about tina and mordy (and talon) and brick being a small family together, and maya and ava being one as well. plus ellie and vaughn have gotten together since commander lilith. shit, guys, even claptrap is building himself a girlfriend.

this game’s about love, guys.

anyway i have been working on this since 1:30am. it’s currently 6:06am. i am very tired and very wired and those never mesh well. im gonna go eat some motherfuckin pizza.

edit: i missed the obvious connection the first time around: of course we’re going to cure Krieg, he loves Maya. and this game is all about love.

that and/or one or both of them die and gearbox hurts us right in the softest parts of our hearts.

edit 2: also yeah at some point in the near future im writing that Hyperion-Twins theory because as much as i love Atlas, i have ~seen some things~

#borderlands #bl3 #borderlands 3 #the calypso twins #krieg #im so sorry this is like 1 billion pages #but i really had fun with it #i worked on this for a very very long time so i hope its coherent enough #i sorta just go on tangents and always repeat myself when i've said similar stuff in previous posts and i feel bad #but also i can't always put in EVERY single detail when im spending 5+ hours on a post just typing all this up anyway #so instead i reference old posts #but i feel like a dumb game of telephone #anyway #im very tired #it's time for pizza

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delicrieux · 5 years

Text

rubatosis | l.l.

HALLOWEEN WRITING CHALLENGE!🎃 day 2, word(s): cycles of the moon.

pairing: loki x f!reader

fandom: marvel

request: Hi! Can l have a loki imagine please? Reader is one of the strongest beings in the universe and part of the avengers. Soldier background like captain marvel etc and Loki lowkey flirts with him romantically all the time and reader thinks he has an endgame about using her powers so she ggets mad Finally loki snaps and makes wanda look inside his mind to prove he actually loves her? Luv u :) [ @imaginesyes]

warnings: none

words: 1,7k

author’s note: i changed it a bit! also YES i know that im late but tbh lill prolly be late to my own funeral so does it rly matter??? this is from this post and i will try to do all 30 of them!:) four, rubatosis ( the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat ).

feedback is always appreciated xoxo

masterlist | buy me coffee☕

Loki Laufeyson had taken a special interest in you and of course you would find that flattering, though unsettling and suspicious (the latter, more than anything). He would often appear in the same places you frequented, and he would spare no compliment, albeit most of them could be considered more of an insult rather than anything. It was annoying. Though funny. And nice in a sort of I-have-caught-the-gaze-of-a-trickster-god-is-that-even-good? way. He is definitely persistent and terribly charming when he wants to be, but to trust his word would be stupid and so you refrain from entertaining him because really now, you are a realist, and he definitely wants something.

You possess power and not once or twice did a man like Loki try to sweet talk his way into a favour. Normally you would send such a pest flying, though you have your doubts when it comes to Loki. That and he is Thor’s brother, and Thor is not only a friend but also a dear co-worker, and beating up his younger brother would surely break some sort of ethics code. You know Tony probably would not care of Loki’s well-being (might even cheer you on to be completely honest), but as a soldier you have a strict morale code and a tendency to listen to orders, either by contract or otherwise.

But even with all of this in mind you could not quite help being a bit smitten. And the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat made you wonder if he could hear it, too. The answer to that would be no, though you know he knows what he is doing to you. Irritation grew into anger fairly quick.

But to be fair, how does one not resist him? His eyes are the colour of a forest, dark, alluring, though icy, as if covered in snow; and he is most refined and graceful in movement. Not to mention he looks fantastic in a suit. Once, at a work party, he had noticed you lingering about away from the guests, enjoying solitude with a flute of champagne in your hand and a wistful look on your face. He had moved to your side seamlessly and said nothing for a whole minute. There was silence, though it was intimate, as if words were not needed in order to be close. You enjoy his voice, though you appreciate his silence perhaps more. He lies often, that you knew already. Only when his lips are sealed is he truly being genuine.

Alas, he could not help himself, and he leaned in, and you could faintly smell sandalwood and ink, “They are a rowdy bunch, aren’t they?” Strangely there was no malice in his voice; it was soft, amused, though thoughtful. His gaze was strained on Thor and his large glass of ale, telling an animated story to SHIELD agents, a tired-looking Captain America, giddy Nat, and grinning Tony who tried to steal the show quite literally. Loki then glanced at you, awaiting an answer.

“Yeah.” You said simply, “That’s why I like them.”

“But you don’t enjoy attention.” It was a quick observation; he was watching your reaction intently. You turned to him with a smile.

“If I did, I wouldn’t be standing by the door, would I?”

He grinned, “Well…” He drawled, “Perhaps you fancy a different kind of attention. It’s easier to spot you outside the crowd then within it, after all.”

“Looking at me often enough to know, huh?” You raised a brow. He shrugged.

“Why? Have you caught me staring?”

You gave him a look. He seemed awfully pleased with himself.

And then there was a night at Asgard, in the palace, serene and magical in every way. The whole world seemed to be asleep and the chirp of crickets and languid dance of fireflies was what awoke you, or so you mustered when you wandered the dark lonely halls. The air was fresh and warm; it was summer, it was always summer there. You had entered the gardens and even deep into the night the scent of roses was so sweet it was nearly choking. Under the moonlight you had found him. He was wandering, just like you had been.

At first Loki had seemed surprised to see you, though that slight shock had melted into a pleased smile and he had said something slick and you had replied with a roll of your eyes. The two of you fell into step and pebbles crunched under your feet. He was curious and you were alert. You passed statues and fountains, all appearing somehow prettier in the dark. You are not sure when he had started speaking of the moon and it’s cycles, though once he did you glanced upwards and saw it change from new to crescent and so on and so forth and that magnetic light along with his pleasant voice made it all so dreamlike.

Perhaps that was it; that was the night you had realised even if he did have some ulterior motive it didn’t matter because his company is much too valuable. The though made you even more bitter, if anything.

It’s late into the evening and Fall is merciless: cold, windy, rainy. The kitchen is alight with warm light and two cups of tea lay in the table, cooling by the minute. It tastes fruity, you conduct after a careful sip. The playfulness of the drink does not match the mood at all. You frown softly, stare into the depths of your mug and see your reflection in it. You sigh; your shoulders slump. This whole situation is absolutely hopeless.

Wanda, across from you, sits in her pyjamas and wonders how can she help. Seeing you so defeated is heart-breaking – you are one of the strongest people she knows, always ready to support someone both physically and mentally. She wishes she could use her powers – in a fleeting thought she imagined wiping your memory of a pesky, handsome prince, and now her mind, coming up empty of solutions, wanders to that idea again – though she knows you would not appreciate it (if you ever regained your memories, that is). The best she can do is make tea, or coffee, or hot chocolate at the very least and offer her warm embrace as a safe space where you can be loved and cherished and not toyed with.

Wanda would punch Loki. She had realised so when she noticed how conflicted you looked each time you even mentioned him.

“What if I talked to him?” Her voice is rasp, deep – perhaps silence had stretched for far longer than you had imagined. You glance up at her and she gives you a loving smile, “You know…Witch to trickster…”

“I… don’t think that would help much, W.” You mutter into your drink, “But I appreciate the effort. Really. Just… don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with him…Eventually.” You take another sip. “I just…wish I knew what he was thinking. If he’s serious. Or is this…just another ploy.”

She looks at you for a long while, “…What if we knew? What he was thinking. What if I could find out?”

You perk up, “You can do that?”

She smiles, “There are only few things that I can’t.”

It needs time, she explained and you decided to be patient for as long as your nerves allowed you, which to be fair was not that long. It was another gathering, another one of those meetups at Stark Tower that always ended in heated arguments. You held your ground when Loki approached you to wish you a lovely morning – even if it was pouring till noon – and you held your ground when Tony accused you of being on Steve’s side too much. Wanda was nowhere to be found. Unconsciously you searched for her, for any trace of her, and your heart skipped a beat when you felt her familiar warm aura pulse in the air like a heartbeat.

The conference was long and extremely draining. You were boiling on the inside when you entered and anxiety was choking you when you left but there was not even a ripple of this shown on your face. It had stopped raining a while ago. The air is cold and damp and you shiver before you pull your arms closer to your body. You stand outside and take in the scenery, breathe deeper, feel yourself align with nature and calm.

You feel her again behind you, and so you don’t jump when her hand lands on your shoulder in a comforting squeeze.

“…Well?” You ask, your throat dry and voice scratchy.

“I was thorough.” She says and you hear a smile in her voice, “And you know I don’t like him. You know I don’t. But there is no doubt in my heart that he likes you, (Name).” You turn to her, “Though, I’m not sure which is worse. He really liking you or just pretending.” She notes your confused gaze and sighs, “He’s dangerous.”

“We’re all dangerous, W.” You counter. “If we weren’t heroes we’d make for extremely powerful villains.”

“As long as you don’t forget that he was one.” She lets go of your shoulder, “Well, anyway. I met Tony in the hall on my way here. He looked frazzled.”

“Ah,” You nod, “he was being a baby again. Yelling at me for defending Steve.”

“One of these days those two will have a serious fight.”

“Yeah.” You agree. A few drops of cold rain dot your cheek, “Yeah they probably will. Have you seen Loki?”

“He disappeared right after the meeting. Sorry.”

“No, that’s fine. I…I’m not sure what I wanted to say anyway.”

It was past midnight when you left the Stark Tower; most of your time was spent trying to make amends with Iron Man himself, though he was too stubborn to listen. The only thing that kept you from snapping was the occasional glance out the window - the moon was full until it wasn’t, half alight until it was only a sliver. The cycles, they kept changing. Wherever Loki was, he was near enough to make those fantastic illusions.

He cares, you’d think and smile and look at the moon, he really does.

the end. hope you enjoyed!

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thekaijudude · 4 years

Note

Now here’s an interesting question. Are there any Ultras out there that would be good enough to be a member of the Ultra Brothers? And if so why?

Hi!

So to be clear, I personally see the standard of the ‘Ultra Brothers’ is to be around the same level as the first 6 Ultra Brothers (Not Taro’s level for obvious reasons but u see where im going here)

(Which means yeah, im not using the literal basis for the ‘Ultra Brother’ title of defending the same Earth in the main M78 Universe for obvious reasons)

With that being said, there are a few Ultras that would probably make the cut for that

But to keep this post short for Tumblr to allow me to post it, I would be greatly summarizing the reasons for each Ultra’s inclusion wherever possible

Ultraman Ginga:

https://thekaijudweeb.tumblr.com/post/189604840913/since-you-stated-ginga-is-the-strongest-out-of-the

Ultraman Victory:

Considering that Victory’s character himself wasn’t as well developed as Ginga’s (which is saying something), we can only go by his official stats to see where he stands compared to Ginga

And same reasonings as I provided in that Ginga analysis post above, that the Victory we saw throughout Ginga S was the nerfed version so that’s another reason

So we essentially see that Victory is more or less comparable to Ginga

Ultraman Gaia:

https://thekaijudweeb.tumblr.com/post/187484131298/hey-just-asking-but-this-has-been-up-to-debate-for

He brings a very nice package in terms of his stats, but we have no idea on the upper limit of strength for V2 but we’re already looking at a ridiculous 150 000t off the bat, now imagine Supreme

Ultraman Agul:

https://thekaijudweeb.tumblr.com/post/187484131298/hey-just-asking-but-this-has-been-up-to-debate-for

Agul V2 > Gaia V2 so yeah goes without saying

Not to mention that they both have hax abilities, definitely sits well with me being on Ultra Brother level

Ultraman Joneus:

Based on what I can vaguely remember and rewatches, (cause I literally have no way to watch his whole series again in its entirety nor that the official info of the kaiju is readily available or clear) overall, he brings a pretty good package of speed, power, beam potency and durability

(So if anyone has the link to the full series, do dm me lol)

So the above are the few examples that I can say with reasonable confidence that would be a good fit with the Ultra Brothers, but below are some more controversial ones which I’ll also explain why

Ultraman Powered:

So as I’ve been consistent in saying that Powered has everything going for him, be it power, speed and beam potency, but its just that his durability is severely lacking

So I’m really not sure whether we can put a glass cannon up there to consider him overall as like Ultra Brother level or nah

Ultraman Great:

Sort of the same situation as with Powered, but I sort of see him as a ‘diet version’ of Ace as he has a multitude of beam attacks and could easily end most fight quickly but just like Powered, his durability is severely lacking

But for Great’s case its more controversial cause his feats of strength and power wasn’t as clear and concrete as Powered’s

I mean yeah sure he managed to sort of held his own against 120 000t+ kaiju but those weren’t so clear cut as being able to physically overpower them like what Powered did

In that sense, he’s basically still a glass cannon like Powered, just a more controversial one

Ultraman Max (Alternate M78 Version):

Yeah I felt the need to clarify which Max I am talking about cause im very aware just how controversial this Ultra is in general

But let me explain why his inclusion on this list just made him even more controversial

So there was that one scene in like ep 27 or sth where he literally threw Eleking (42 000t) into space

Yeah that’s Ultra Brother level stuff sure but tbh im not sure whether I can take this one feat seriously cause if we totally ignore this one feat, the rest of his performance throughout the series is essentially at the most L2 Ultra Level

It’s unlike Ginga where we see him threw Rekyum man into space in one episode and then we see him low diff Dark Zagi in another and then we see him solo a twice nerfed Super Grand King in the next, that’s consistency

Unlike Max with just that ONE significant feat throughout his ENTIRE series

But maybe we could just have the Max Galaxy help him out here as just like the Ultra Bracelet, its literally a deus ex machina

So in short, u could be SUPER generous but still be realistic and say that yeah sure Max is probably L2 Level but by virtue of the plot device that is the Max Galaxy, he’s a Jack-like’ character I suppose???

Eh yeah even i’m not so comfortable with saying that now but I’m just gonna throw that out there as food for thought

Other than that, I can’t think of any other Ultras (That are either obviously on the level of the Ultra Brothers like Toregia or just simply above like Belial) that would make the cut

Thanks for the question!

#ultraman #asks

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theanatomyletter · 5 years

Text

Rothko and the Engineering of Suffocation

I’ve always had a strange fascination with ~~abstract art & what that abstraction means & what it is trying to achieve. I think two of the most common metrics for whether art is “good” are 1. Does it make me feel things? and 2. Is it doing what it set out to do? While the two overlap, the second gets tricky when you’re trying to wrestle with whether the intentions of art are valuable or not, not just whether they are achieved. How does intention create expectation? And what the hELL do u do with art that does so much more than it intended or knows? To whom do u ascribe that achievement? Is art still “good” if it doesn’t even know about most of its goodness? And then does that get “credited” to the artist, or the weird kind of amorphous idea of the “art” itself? Idk tbh.

Anyway the thing with Rothko is he went so much further than just wanting his art to do certain things, he described and necessitated and created environments and essentially instructions for what his paintings were meant to do and !!!! I think it is really incredible that they do those things!!!!!! He’s said he wants his paintings to make the viewer feel like they want to bang their head against a wall, he wanted windowless-ness, oppressive walls and big, scary colours, emotion distilled into weirdly soft edges where one colour not so much as bleeds but rather shuffles onto the next with strokes that resemble nothing but just, art. It is a movement and a pattern reminiscent of itself -- of the art and form and act of painting, of the modernity of the painter and their audience and the strange embodiment of pure emotion that is created within the intentional manipulation of colour, a goal that was so strange in its newness and so brave and reckless with breaking conceptions of what art is meant for and what it can do. Rothko’s time was tinged with a self awareness of people attaching to movements and schools and endeavours of creativity, working towards self defined goals of what art could and was meant to achieve. Is it a valuable intention then, to make the viewer want to bang their head against a wall? What is so fascinating and compelling about the Rothko Chapel, a place where people feel god, or Rothko’s room in the Tate, where he insisted on darkness and gloom and separation and wanted the viewer to feel trapped, even afraid?

I’m not saying that that is in any way a dishonourable goal, and the 20th century certainly had room for a reckoning with art beyond what feels good. I wonder simply about the strangeness and specific desire for him not only to want his art to do something, and not only asking the viewer to comply, but creating an atmosphere of oppressiveness (physical, almost) within which the viewing must take place and insisting on compliance, bending the rules a bit about what a “painting” is allowed to do. The art, then, stops remaining confined to its object, and invades the space in which we breathe, exist, walk, see. It’s a sort of encroachment that happens entirely on the artist’s terms. It is difficult to look at a Rothko and then just look away, it is a hypnotising, compelling, magnetic, fascinating experience, because everything is blurry but simultaneously sharp, and every colour seems to know something you don’t and you are at the mercy of a force (created by a man who is now dead, crucially) of manipulation, essentially, and a weird sense of (culturally, socially enforced? conditioned? confused?) enjoyment in that feeling. It’s messy and weird to be drawn to something that essentially just gives you a bit of a headache and makes you want to be able to focus your eyes on something that won’t keep slipping in and out of blurry sharpness.

Curiosity is probably at the heart of a lot of good art, maybe even all good art, a sense of wanting and desire and maybe even illicit fear-stained admiration for a thing that makes you so deeply uncomfortable with no clear purpose for doing so. But there is pleasure too, so much pleasure, besides the headache-y environment and the confusion, a Rothko is plainly beautiful to look at, it is nearly always a gorgeous flow of one space into the next bordered with a softness that is impossible to find outside of a painting -- it’s created its own self in its goal, it has established an emotion that exists nowhere else, and it stares at you with a disarming self awareness. There is still a strangeness in being subject to emotion like that, we all watch sad movies and read sad books, yeah, but that is different because someone else is sad and we can either relate or empathise but here??? Nobody is sad. Nobody is stressed. Nobody external to you is experiencing that nausea, the confusion, the glaring defiance against pure pleasure, not even the artist. Especially not the artist, at least not with you. Yet this creation of displeasure is distinctly deemed Good Art & I think it is extremely fascinating why, & even more fascinating that so many of us keep signing up to be subject to this weird experience of stress and wonder laced brazenly with discomfort.

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cyanpeacock · 5 years

Text

Realtalk(tm): The Continued Brainprocessing of Fucky Shit

it’s a long one boys but they all are atm

like jinkies scoob i have been Avoiding So Much with les drogues. avoiding so much like, wow, shit, I Feel So Empty Around People Who Were In My Life. but yes, very necessary to dissociate from this shit for a period while i adjusted to the possibility of, oh, wait, this really is My Apartment? this... i can Live Here without being Disturbed or Attacked? still adjusting. but without les drogues this time.

im continually coming to terms with like... ok, so, i have been and sometimes still like... engage in emotionally and physically abusive behaviour towards my own body, and to other bodies around me?

and also, i am coming to terms with, this does not strictly mean i am An Abuser Forever full stop (i.e. Bad Person, Irredeemable, Disgusting, Abhorrent, Should Be Euthanised, etc).

this is reflective of, emotional and physical abuse has been so normalised to me as a young individual, that i have been repeating patterns of behaviour i saw routinely growing up, not even understanding why that kind of behaviour is hurtful or how i could do stuff differently. and that kind of makes me go, oh shit. dude, what the hell? that’s... that’s actually, yeah, that’s one fucked up upbringing. it really Was that bad.

even regarding like The Voices In My Head(tm), my reaction historically was just like, scream at them? yell at them? injure the body somehow until they shut up or it passes out?

which, uh, oh. that’s totally what my mother did when i was displaying “unreasonable” or “irrational” emotions as a small thing. rejecting then snapping then shouting then smacking until i either ran away to cry alone and injure myself more (emotional abandonment; reenacting and normalizing physical punishment) or went very numb and quiet and compliant like a Good Child (dissociative reaction/freezing; fawning).

now like i am aware of these structures and this history Right Now. but still frequently i do get into the old frame of mind where it’s like, “you’re being stupid. you’re overreacting. you’re being melodramatic. Other People Have It Worse. Just Don’t Think About It” which, yeah, that’s introjected from a number of adult figures in my life. very very unhelpful, but when you’re a kid, you’re looking to adults for structures to implement to help you navigate your own life. when those adults are emotionally unhealthy... Yeah. this happens.

and right now, i’m like, uh, what the hell? it’s not a dick measuring contest, you’re telling a kid in pain that they’re not allowed to express their pain?

like i’ve talked abt this before probably but it’s an incident that reminds me how fucked up the whole situation was and is. when my school found out i was self harming in like y7 (so like, 11-12yo), because i’d cut so far down my PE shorts didn’t cover the marks, my PE teacher legally had to get the school to call home. and like, i fucking Begged her, please don’t, a call home is gonna make things SO much worse for me. but ofc the law is the law especially when it comes to teaching, and the call home got made. and later that evening my mother bust into my room with NO warning and fucking screamed at me, “You Selfish Little Cow.”

like i went numb as hell. i don’t really remember clearly what she said after that but it was a whole tirade. stuff about how i was a brat and going to get her in trouble with social services and how i was ruining the family (implicitly, her life) and causing trouble, and how i ought to Think About What I’d Done. i was thinking/feeling, oh my god, she’s beating me again. i’ve ruined everything for everyone again. this is all my fault. i’m responsible, i’m the one to blame, i should have hidden it better. i’m not allowed to talk. i’m not allowed to feel. i’m supposed to be Quiet and Good and Do School and Not Annoy Anyone and Behave. i’ve failed. i am a failure. I Am A Selfish Little Cow.

i think i tried to commit after she left? but like, in that way where you’re so numb and out of it you can’t actually physically pull together the methods, despite the mind wanting No More.

and like i’ve been going to visit the woman that DID THAT TO ME. smiling and telling her about my life while Really Fucking Avoiding Telling Her Any Details About My Life. hesitating in pain and then adding “xx” to the end of the text messages i felt like i was obliged to send her. trying to convince myself “she’s my mum, i’m not gonna get another one, i should call her, it’s not so bad, we can talk about... uh, talk about politics, or religion, or, uh, her dog, or my siblings...” COMPLETELY fucking avoiding the fact that, like. this is the Same Person who caused me all that pain, and i don’t feel safe or secure talking to her about important details of my life, or my emotions, or, well, me. i hide and go Nothing Is Wrong! :) I’m Doing Fine! :)

and! it really does seem like she’s not, you know, as cruel as she was with me, with her other children, at least since after i ran away. but no amount of that can actually change MY memories of growing up with her? my more-or-less programmed Make Her Happy reaction to her physical body? i can’t just, you know, conveniently forget those Things that Hurt Me to engage with her for her happiness. because, well, Her Happiness is not My Happiness, although i was lead to believe that was so. and, when i’m Conveniently Forgetting those things (i.e. my emotions at the hands of an abusive relative), i’m not behaving with the proper regard for myself as a person, and by extension i’m missing pieces of how to properly engage with other people.

i don’t wanna like, mask the in between spaces of utter dread and anxiety and total blankness with Everything Is Totally Fine. I Am Functioning. Yes I Did Well In School This Year. That’s All That Matters. What Have I Been Doing? Oh You Know. The Usual. (without ever saying what The Usual is, because, yeah, when i’m in that Mode, i don’t fucking know what i do at home! idk how i spend my time! My Function Is To Avoid Conflict).

because, uh, yeah, academically, sure! i am functioning, sort of! bodily? uh, well, i’m SLOWLY learning how to properly feed myself, and sleep without chemicals, and stay clean, stuff like that. socially? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. okay, fuck. that’s the one i can’t... figure out, like, at all, on my own. how do i... where the fuck do I even start? i’m not even okay enough with Myself to navigate the social world without passing inappropriate judgement on potential peers. i see people who might, Might, be friends, and my brain goes POTENTIAL THREAT REGISTERED. SELF: SIGHTED. ACTION: HIDE. DO NOT APPROACH. FLEE IF CONTACT INITIATED.

SO LIKE. my issue now is, i totally know that like... these patterns of behaviour are not My Fault, don’t make me Useless, Bad, Bratty etc, if i sit down and write about it, frowning on-and-off for hours. but, i can’t actually implement these regulatory thought processes in realtime quickly enough to... meet new people and enjoy it? on like, a social level? even on a professional level i have to wait for a good day, and switch off like, chunks of me to get the Task Completed. and uh, talking to friends isn’t a Task process, it’s supposed to be a Leisure process?

i’m quite capable of filling my time and navigating the world quietly, alone! there is a surprising amount i can find to do. but hypothetically i’d really like to, like, meet people, and not talk about “haha dude I’m so sick right now. let’s smoke another blunt,” because while it was... uh, reassuring? and i suppose fun? for a while? to meet other people dealing with life pain like that, that sort of thing gets really mutually toxic.

like, i’m in the process of quitting drugs altogether, and drugs tend to go hand in hand with that social space. daily use, even second-hand smoke, is not something i can be around any more. weed was great for ages, but now like, the drug basically told me “nah g i’m not for u any more”? - as in, it was not helping me any further, i could feel this, and i just... smashed the pipe i’d smoked out of since living in the YMCA, deleted my dealers’ numbers, and withdrew. goodbye ganja! I Keap The B o m g In My Mind Now

i was offered like, support from a local drug addiction charity? people fucking pushing me and pushing me to go there, actually. but like... i step outside the place and the ground is carpeted in fag ends. there are cheap booze shops like 5 minutes walk away. it felt like the kind of place where something heavy would come up in group, and i’d be with the people who peel away afterwards to chainsmoke, get a couple litres of cheap voddy, then somebody pulls out their second phone to get a baggie of the good shit once the booze hits? like it could easily just drag me back down. this is a thing i gotta discuss later, and more privately. that kind of group Not For Me.

i’d also like... started Really noticing the whole undercurrent of like, anger and judgement and denial and impermanence in the we’re-all-mentally-ill-here social spaces i used to hang out in? and i’m aware that i was participating in that too, and that while it was good to begin with and for a long time, it really isn’t good for me any more. actually tbh i go Completely Wack upon returning to those people and places now. which, fuck, like, if the person in question happens to be reading this, i’m very sorry. and yeah, sorry doesn’t cut it, because that must have been Fucking Alarming from your perspective, and i wouldn’t have done it if i’d been in my right mind, and i wasn’t in my right mind, and currently can’t be around so many triggers, and yeah your lifestyle being triggering to me is NOT your fault at all, which is why all i can really do is a disappearing act. cuz there’s no conversation that can even make a goodbye feel right, fucker that this situation is. rip.

so yeah uh. my issue now, is Establishing Trust and Healthy Social Connections. that is, trust that someone is gonna like me for, the collection of things i like and do and say and am? uh, or even several people?

this... is one i can’t figure out Alone, because, well, it concerns social relations. and i have very little confidence in social relations, because, well, they’ve either been painful, or centered around painful experiences. and i’ve been told that when i’m really truly enthusiastic and happy about something, i’m overwhelming and annoying to others? so i put the brakes on like crazy if i start feeling “too” happy and end up going Appeasement Mode to get out of the social situation as quickly and smoothly as possible.

and uh, what, i don’t even know the collection of things i like and do and say and am. i don’t... Know all of those things at any one time. how, uh, what? what am I. you know. the usual ??????????? flippy haze.

i mean! i’m getting better at talking Within myself. i REALLY try to talk slowly with kindness and understanding of context to myself and the voices in my head now, and figure out solutions to pain and problems that don’t involve different kinds of pain or avoidance? but i still lapse into like, you know, Augh Jesus Christ I’ve Heard This One Before Why Do I Need To Have This Discussion Again, and frequently i can’t find a viable alternative for avoidance, because i get overwhelmed easily and that makes EVERYTHING worse. and i haven’t figured out how to take my foot off the brake pedal, either, even though i’m not always pressing it. I Need It There For Now Or Else The Car Might Crash u kno.

so, like, what? i guess i just keep, talking kindly to the voices, and also to myself? practice until it becomes the default state of being when a trigger pops in? this requires patience, and also booting away people who refuse to have patience with me. unfortunate, necessary.

the thing about IRL conversations, is they happen so QUICKLY, and like, i don’t have enough time to calm the brain down from every trigger that pops up! because like, it can be a facial expression, a movement, a word or phrase, a tone, something in the periphery, something behind me, an internal sensation. it’s SO much information my brain is scanning urgently for threats, and my brain scans harder the more a person knows me, because a person who knows you can deal WAY more damage than a stranger.

so... yes. this is the part i require assistance with. Hrrrrrrmmnhghdfgjnh.

I SUPPOSE. perhaps now the university have stepped in to arrange a case review with the NHS, they can really push for the kind of support i need. which, yeah, it’s long-term one-on-one trauma-focused counselling or therapy, and also some help with social interaction???? not repeated crisis team referrals, not some 12-week DBT course, i’ve literally been off finding DBT skills and employing them on my own because the waiting lists are so fucking long, and not a 12-week psychodynamic course, because i’ve been seeing a psychodynamic counsellor on and off for four years privately, and the work is nowhere near a conclusion. shit, i’d be satisfied if they could just somehow secure funding for me to keep seeing that guy specifically? he’s REALLY helpful to me, literally like my fucking role model for non-toxic masculinity. and i’m not ready for like, group social skills work, Yet. but soon, you know? only when i’m like “okay, yeah, i really do think I can handle this without my health going backwards again” - which, i need more within-myself security for that.

also better mood monitoring would be nice, i.e. seeing the same damn person, who actually knows my case, instead of a different person every time saying “I’ve just quickly had a look at your case notes”. because if i go low again this winter, then my “depressive disorder NOS” is bipolar, and i’ve been mismedicated from the beginning. and yeah honestly like? as soon as it starts getting dark and cold, I get inexplicably sad, even with plenty of indoor light and warm clothes and whatnot. but yeah we’ll see about that.

anyway This Shit Wack. Im Done.

#fliptext #trauma #abuse #drugs #self harm #emotional abuse #verbal abuse #physical abuse #fuck uhhh ask to tag #ask to tag #isolation #(boosh voice) i-so-la-tion i-so-la-tion

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eldritchravens · 5 years

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Silver Jack Relationship Alphabet :

@silverjackfan this is for you ;3 💜

A- Activity (what is their favorite activity to do with you?)

Silver Jack likes... I mean LOVES to show you some of his magic tricks. He's very good at it because... Well, he can bend reality. He adores when you watch his enigmatic moves in awe as he let the magic do its work through his hands. He used to practice alone, it was nice but... It lacked an audience ya know? So now that you're here, he can show you what he's capable of!

B- Beginnings (How do they act in the beginning of a relationship?)

One word: Clingy. This boy is touch starved and needs a lot of attention. He always manages to touch you when you're around. Lots of hugging, hands holding, nuzzles, kisses, and so on. He also really likes to wrap his long tail around your body, it's one of his way to say "i love you". But of course, if you think he's too clingy and you ask him to stop, he'll stop. But he'll need some physical contact eventually.

C- Communication (Are they good communicators? How do they normally talk about their problems or solve issues?)

He's very very talkative, charismatic and clever, OF COURSE HE'S A GOOD COMMUNICATOR. He certainly knows that communication is key in a relationship so if he has a problem he'll vent it to you most of the time. And usually he prefers to solve problems on his own, he can manage it. However, if it's something related to his past life in hell, Silver will have a lot of difficulty trying to find the right words to describe it so he just ends up not talking about it much. Don't blame him, words can hardly describe what he went through down there...

D- Drunk (what are they like when they're drunk?)

First of all he needs a lot of alcohol to get drunk. Firstly because he's a very tall boy but also because he's a demon and normal amount of alcohol usually doesn't do much to him.

Second of all if you thought he was being physical before just wait until you see him drunk. His hands are all over you... In a not-so-innocent way :> He might not be much aware of his huge claws anymore so be careful not to end up with several cuts. Aside from that he's very joyful and giggly.

E- Emergency (How are they in emergency situations? You get hurt, they get hurt, someone is dying... Etc.)

He knows what to do in emergency situations, how he feels depends on the kind of emergency though. If he gets hurt, he will literally just stare at the wound and say "Oh... How unfortunate..." while shrugging. However if YOU get hurt he will freak out. He'll reassure you and take care of you correctly but you'll feel his fear. Just make sure to reassure him once you're out of danger, he might shake a bit because he was so damn scared.

F- Free spot (I'll give you any headcanon I come up with)

If he gets embarrassed/flattered/shy, his pointy ears will start to lightly flutter, his tail will wiggle and his pale cheeks will take a light pink color. It's very cute to look at tbh. Also, the movements his tail makes can be an indicator of his current mood.

G- Gifts (What kind of gifts do they give? What kind of gifts do they get?)

Jewelries. Listen, Silver Jack loves shiny objects kinda like a magpie would. Anything shiny, no matter its value, will catch his eyes. He's fascinated. He'll steals get some for you if you like it. Although if you prefer different kind of gifts he'll do his best to satisfy you. And really he's not difficult when it comes to gifts. Give him anything shiny like a spoon or whatever and he'll be over the moon. "Prettyyyyy~"

H- Hugs (How does they show affection/cuddle?)

Have I mentioned how needy he is already? Seriously give this rat a hug he really needs it. In the most traditional way, he just likes to hug your much smaller form, kiss you, nuzzle you or holding your hands. For the less traditional way he likes to show affection by nibbling at your hair/the clothes you're wearing, wrapping his tail around you and licking your face :p (let him love you he means well)

I- Irritation (What is something that irritates them? How do they show their irritation?)

Please PLEASE for the love of god don't play whith his pointy ears. He accepts ANY kind of physical contact except for THIS one. He doesn't like having his ears touched at all. Also, if you try to get him jealous on purpose, he's really not gonna like it.

J- Jackpot (How would they spend their winnings if they won the lottery?)

SHINY OBJECTS. EVERYWHERE.

Also food, a lot of food......... And many gifts for you of course darling~

K- Kryptonite (What is their ultimate weakness?)

LISTEN. No matter how mad, sad or bad he is feeling, if you pet his tail he's going to melt. A purring mess under your touch.

It's a very sensitive part of his body so if you learn all his sweet spots, you can manage to literally relax him in 0.000001 second.

L- Laughter (what makes them laugh?)

A lot of things. It can be from the most random stupid things. He's a giggly rat and just laughs at anything slightly funny. He's such a dork.

His laugh is really adorable though... I'm not gonna speak about his evil laugh because it's freaking terrifying. Aside from that, he snorts, giggles and produces a lot of high pitched noises.

M- Morning (How do they wake up in the morning? Are they a morning person or a morning grouch?)

He wakes up late, both your limbs lazily tangled together, he is clinging onto you, his tail wrapped around tour body. Absolutely REQUIRES smooches and pats to wake up properly. He's the worst morning grouch if he doesn't have his daily cuddles.

N- Needy (when do they feel particularly needy? How do they show it?)

Have I mentioned how needy he is yet? This demon. Is. Always. Needy. He didn't really receive any attention in his life so he craves it all the time. He feels particularly needy when he is tired or lonely. And he shows it by awkwardly walking towards you, burying his face in your neck/hair and just.... Grabbing you. If he gets what he wants his tail will happily wiggle.

O- Oasis (Where is their happy place? Where would they go if they didn’t have anything holding them back?)

He belongs nowhere. Before meeting you, he just wandered wherever he could live. After meeting you, he only wanted to follow you. He will go where you go.

P- Pain (How do they handle pain? How do they handle when you are in pain?)

Physically, he handles pain extremely well, this man is almost immune to death. He knows he will regenerate very quickly if he gets wounded so it's not a big deal. Now emotionally, that's another story. This demon is full on emotions and once you've unlocked the way to his heart, he is exposed to emotional pain, like it or not. He has trouble dealing with his emotions.

If you get wounded, he will take care of everything professionally and not shake at any point, but you can feel how frightened he is inside. Silver Jack is at the edge of tears... Poor guy. If you are in emotional pain, he'll help you by holding your body close to him and ask if you need to talk, or be distracted from it. He is of very good help when it comes to emotions.

Q- Quote (What’s a quote that fits them and your relationship)

I can't choose between :

"I'm the monster that lives under your bed, and you won't get rid of me."

"We can be whatever you want. I can be whoever you want me to be."

R- Reunion (How do they celebrate seeing you after a long time of being apart)

Two takes:

1) A gentle clawed hand rests on your cheek, rubbing your face with the thumb. You look up to the man and smiles, he smiles back. "Hey sweetheart, long time no see..." He hugs you tightly.

2)TACKLING YOU AND HUG YOU UNTIL YOU CAN'T BREATHE. "hOw coULd yoU lEaVE me for thIS LONG?!?" ;A; *sOB*

Won't let go for 3 hours.

S- Stress (What stresses them out? How do deal with stress and how do they relieve it?)

When you're mad or upset, and he doesn't know why. He's very nervous when this happens and doesn't really know what to do. He deals with it by hiding his anxiety as much as possible, and ask for a hug. If you refuse, he'll leave you some space and search comfort/advices from his best friend Scampy. Maybe they'll hang out a little to calm down.

T- Terror (What are they afraid of?)

He is the Boogie Man, he has very few fears. He knows this feeling intimately and sure as hell can control it. He literally plays with fear, he's not even affected by it. However if there's one thing he is afraid of, it's losing you. Also, he's scared of hell, his home.

U- Unique (What is a quirk that is unique to them?)

His own existence itself is unique, i mean, come on ! He's the true, the original, the unique Boogie Man. He has all the powers that accompanies this, he has the personality, the appearance... His whole being is unique by itself. There's no one like Silver Jack, not even remotely similar.

V- Violence (Do they fight a lot? Are they a good fighter? What is their fighting style?)

Well, yes. He is a very good fighter. He had to fight a lot during his long life and has quite the experience. He's a good manipulator too, pretty damn talented to play comedy. He mostly lurks in the shadows, studying his victim... His stalking will join his game of terror before brutally murder the human to feast on their flesh. However, you're is weakness. He would never fight, argue or manipulate you. He wants to show you the real him. Not the blood-thirsty beast.

W- Wow (What do you do that really surprises them? What do you do that they really like?)

As a demon, he knows humans do not consider conventional certain "demon things". So if you start to pick on the different little actions he does and imitates them to give him attention, he'll be delighted. He really likes it when you give him little shiny trinkets, it makes him feel spoiled.

X- (Explicit headcanon. For all you degenerates)

He has.... Certains sensitive spots on his body that turns him on instantly if you play wisely with them. His tail must be the major one, caress it sensually with the tip of your fingers and you'll leave him in a blushing mess.

Also, shape-shifting an becomes handy when it comes to intimate moments :>

Y- Yucky (Is there something that grosses them out so badly that they can’t deal with it?)

Well... It's not 100% in the theme but, he has two very large scars on his back. He had wings before, but someone took them from him. He suffered a lot from trauma, and just the sight of those scars makes him feel sick. He cannot stand feeling or looking at them.

Aside from that, nothing grosses him out to the point of not being able to deal with it. Je has seen a lot.

Z- ZZZ’s (What are their sleeping habits? Both with and without you)

He moves around a lot in his sleep, he always wakes up in the weirdest position you could imagine like he was doing some sort of obscure yoga. He snores lightly and drools a bit like the big dork he is. When you're here, he holds you close and doesn't let go. Good luck if you need to get up.

#my oc #Relationship Alphabet #Silver Jack #Demon #Boogie Man

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system-architect · 7 years

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gonna be doin some late additions to that ask meme since i was asked a bunch...! it’s a lot for four dif chars so i’ll be splitting it up into two posts. i might have to skip a few questions but we’ll see

here’s the gunner and xinn edition! i was asked uhhh... 1-6 and 9-19

gunner first!

Their physical weak spots: gunner is speedy and evades a lot, but can’t take too many solid hits in general-- anything that disarms him or messes with his ability to move/think fast will hamper him a lot. he’s actually mostly primarily weak to over-exerting his magic and making himself sick/’irradiated’ Their emotional/moral weak spots: he can be too stoic and too cocky and launch into things headfirst without properly assessing the situation or consulting his allies Scars or painful spots: his right arm/side is aaaalllllllll leyline scars! Best places to kiss on their body: he is partial to shoulder/upper back/neck/jaw/near ear kisses. also scar kisses Guilty pleasures: it’s not a guilty pleasure so much as a Secret Pleasure but gunner’s surprisingly talented at baking/cooking. he’s also very into sweets specifically chocolate Their vices (physical or emotional): it’s not particularly severe for him, but he sometimes turns 2 Substances when hyper stressed Humiliating memories: god i’m sure there’s a Lot but i gotta develop him more here. he probably has quite a few from growing up in novus but not being much of a typical asura. plus some embarrassing combat defeats Fears/phobias: afraid he’s gonna squandered his extended lifespan and amount to nothing despite that, afraid he’s gonna end up losing everything he has again like he did in the chak attack on rata novus, afraid he’s just been constantly making the wrong decisions and everything that’s happened to him is his fault and that he could’ve solved it if he was just Better, afraid that bad things are going to just keep happening to him Bad or petty habits: god he can be very stubborn and petty and aggressive or passive aggressive at times... he has a bad habit of overfocusing on himself and not considering others in a situation Grudges and vendettas: he’s got a grudge against Every Single Chak and will go out of his way to kill them. he loathes the inquest for all the shit they’ve done to ppl he loves and all the havoc they’ve caused with his DNA, and he’s also still bitter at zinn for leaving his people behind (he was very.. smug when he learned how zinn died) What gets them flustered: gunner is very strongly emotional despite acting stoic so it’s pretty easy to get him riled up into an argument... anything about synergetics or related to ppl gunner cares for or his fighting strats is a 1 way ticket to Yell Town Ingrained habits/forces of habit: he’s crossing his arms like 24/7 and he’s also a very paranoid person who is constantly surveying the area and whips his head about every time he hears A Noise.. he’s on his tactical survivalist fighter game like all the time What it takes to make them cry: takes a LOT to make him cry bc he bottles those emotions hardcore. things related to his parents or setting off his “alchemy why me, why do bad things keep happening to ME??” complex will do it Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’: he keeps the novan thing concealed but u all here on tumblr get to be privvy to it. he’s also very clammed up about how the mists affected him... Regrets: he’s constantly picking over and scrutinizing his past actions, big and small, and wondering how he could’ve done things better or if he could’ve prevented such huge messes by acting a little differently Things they’ll never admit: he’s bottled this a whole ton so he tends to be less aware of it tbh, but inside he’s a big huge softie who’s very emotional about a lot and he should bottle things less and he wants more gentleness in his life. he has a hard time admitting to himself that showing emotions isn’t Bad People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them: depends a lot on the situation.... idk much specifics but gunner def has had to kill people and generally views it as a survival necessity (think like, fighting enemies ingame-- bandits, centaurs, djinn, whatever). he doesn’t like needless killing. whenever he does have to kill someone he’s slightly crestfallen a bit, he does trudge onwards but the general concept he gets hung up on was how that person had a whole world and spirit inside them and he’s put that to an end now

aaaaaaaaand here’s xinnux--

Their physical weak spots: xinn is speedy and can put great force behind stabbing/throwing with his knives/machetes but he mostly marches in with his pets to attack things, so anything that disarms him or impedes his movement or separates him from his pets will render him useless. good luck catching him tho he’s like a mouse on red bull Their emotional/moral weak spots: xinnux is Les Enfants he gets emotional and confused about a whole lot of things. he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body but he’s still figuring out how morality works; he doesn’t quite Conceptualize death and good vs bad yet Scars or painful spots: he’s got a lot of weird scars from inquest tests and he doesn’t like any of them, they physically hurt and remind him of Bad Things Best places to kiss on their body: i’m just gonna slide in here for future ref, xinn physically appears to be 20 atm (his bday was nov 25th! woo!) but he is literally two years old and the narrative handles him as a child!! (xinn being a child who’s not been given a childhood and has been forced to grow up fast is Very Much a plot point, even!) so i’m not gonna b answerin any kind of questions about romance/sexuality for xinn. xinn is a toddler in a big boy’s body, he has dirt to crawl around in and retrieve bugs from, that’s his life atm he doesn’t mess with adult business like this Guilty pleasures: xinn feels guilty about nothing. he WILL binge eat what he pleases. he WILL ‘accidentally’ steal things. he WILL just literally do whatever he wants at any time. the concept of feeling guilty for something that is fun is like, beyond him Their vices (physical or emotional): this isn’t rlly a vice but like i said since xinn has a hard time conceptualizing things like death and pain, he will sometimes be a bit cruel in his treatment towards others, but it’s out of obliviousness and not direct malice.. he def has a strong sense of empathy he just.. doesn’t Understand things.... (think about when you were a kid and were cruel to animals not bc you hated them but bc you were a tiny untamed infant monkey who acted on instinct and “i want to touch that”, but the thought of “this thing might not enjoy being touched” wasn’t something that occurred to you because your tiny walnut brain couldn’t compute that yet. that’s about xinn’s predicament.) Humiliating memories: there’s probably a few memories he has of bouts with the inquest and tryin to run away but bein wrangled back into his cell and he’s like, embarrassed about his lack of strength there whilst also bein seething mad at the inquest for this all Fears/phobias: A Lot. he’s filled with fear and doesn’t quite process any of it. right now he just knows that feeling hurty things is bad and he feels that and he doesn’t like it. he is also really afraid he will never be Normal and it’s not really a fear he can do much about, or rlly directly a fear, but he’s very bitter and sad about not getting to be a kid and just be born and have a normal childhood. more normal phobia wise, he hates small enclosed spaces with no easy exits, and he hates doctor-related stuff, and he hates being alone Bad or petty habits: xinn can be very stubborn and if he’s told not to do something he will usually run off and try to do it either out of ignorance or just, direct spite Grudges and vendettas: big big ol grudge against all inquest/former inquest. except the one who let him free, that guy’s cool. fuck everyone else tho What gets them flustered: challenging xinn to an argument on literally anything will get him very mad very fast and he doesn’t know how to argue. it VERY LITERALLY will turn into arguing with a child Ingrained habits/forces of habit: he’s always scanning for exits in a room What it takes to make them cry: not much. xinn cries easily, though he does hate crying in front of people and tries to stop it. he doesn’t like bein reminded of his past and also he hates being told he’s wrong or that he can’t do something Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’: not rlly a Dark Secret uh, despite being physically 20 he still a lot of the time really wants to be treated like a kid and just entrust himself to parental units and be fussed over jhkgd he does fluctuate on this tho and can absolutely get very “no im adult!!!” too Regrets: the childhood thing i guess? he also feels regret when he unknowingly acts cruelly and it adversely affects someone/something. rn his brain is still forming the concepts of regret, really Things they’ll never admit: xinn can’t really form his brain around concepts like this. he doesn’t particularly have anything complex going on that he would never admit. he has stuff that’s tough to admit, but he does a poor job of hiding it People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them: i’m sure he’s killed at least one person and probably some critters and like i’ve mentioned he doesn’t really Conceptualize death yet. he knows death is Bad but doesn’t really currently have the emotional development to put himself in other people’s heads and understand why killing someone is so bad and tragic

#text heavy #long post #oc talk #xin #asura!gunner #gunner #didnt rlly proofread sorry

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vicemirrored-a · 7 years

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VICEMIRRORED’S RP PLOTTING CHEAT-SHEET

want new-and-exciting plots for your character? long to reach out to more of your followers, but don’t know where to start? fear not! fill out this form and give your rp partners both present and future all the of juicy JUMPING OFF POINTS they need to help you get your characters acquainted.

be sure to TAG THE PLAYERS WHOSE CHARACTERS YOU WANT MORE CUES TO INTERACT WITH, and REPOST, DON’T REBLOG! feel free to add or remove sections as you see fit. template here.

MUN NAME: kyra. OOC CONTACT: tumblr messenger works fine, but you’re welcome to ask for my discord or my skype after we’ve chatted for a while!!

WHO THE HECK IS MY MUSE ANYWAY:

dr. henry jekyll, the titular character of strange case of dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, is a wealthy, well-respected physician living in edinburgh* in the late 1800s. outwardly, he’s seen as a generous, intelligent, and kind-hearted man, if a little arrogant, and he’s known around society for his charity. however, in his forties, he begins to become obsessed with the idea that every person is really two people: a pure good half and a pure evil half. he starts attempting to concoct a potion that will separate out these two halves --- not to obliterate the evil, but simply to give it a separate and autonomous form so that it doesn’t drag down the good half’s intentions and so that the good half’s inhibitions don’t hinder the evil half’s desires. he eventually creates a drug that he believes will separate out these dual halves; however, it only works halfway. when he drinks this elixir, he becomes a purely evil version of himself who is unrecognisable physically. although his mind state is altered, he is still jekyll, and he still remains conscious and aware the whole time he’s in this second, purely evil body. he can easily turn himself back into the usual dr. jekyll by taking this drug again, and, vice versa, when he wants to become his second self, he does so by taking that same drug. he notes that although he has created a purely evil version of himself, there is no purely good version, as he remains ‘the same old henry jekyll, that incongruous compound.’

instead of continuing with his research and experimentation until he finds a way to split out both halves, as was his original intention, he simply decides that the appeal of living a double life is too enticing not to take. he gives himself a new name in his second body --- edward hyde --- and sets about living his life in perfect disguise and self-indulgence. as henry jekyll, he presents himself as a model of respectability, hard work, and virtue; as hyde, he indulges in horrific, violent, sadistic crimes to satisfy his own desires. because he’s totally unrecognisable as hyde, no one ever has a chance of pinning the crimes on jekyll.

it’s important to note, as stated above, that jekyll REMEMBERS everything he does as hyde and takes active pleasure in it. a lot of films imply that he doesn’t remember anything he does as hyde, or that the transformations are totally involuntary, but that’s not the case in the book. jekyll knows everything he’s doing, and he sets up this double life very meticulously so that he can get away with doing whatever he wants with no chance of consequences.

*the book originally takes place in london, but after reading a lot of analysis and talking to a lot of my professors, i made the choice to set it in edinburgh instead, as most critics agree that the city stevenson describes is far, far more like edinburgh than london.

POINTS OF INTEREST:

henry’s very tall. he’s not overly muscular or fat, but he is described as ‘large,’ overall --- in addition to being tall, he’s quite stockily built.

when most of the book’s events take place, jekyll is fifty to fifty-one; when he dies, he’s fifty-one to fifty-two. don’t believe the films that show him as a sexy 25 year old. they’re lying to u.

he has a habit of being extremely manipulative. it’s subtle, but very definite throughout the book: he tends to use leading phrases like ‘confident as i am that you won’t fail me’ or ‘you know how much i did for others’ or ‘if you fail me you’ll have my suffering on your conscience,’ so on and so forth. he likes to guilt people into things, which is extremely shitty.

he tends to throw lots of lavish dinner parties for his friends. expensive wine, expensive food, the works.

he has two law degrees, although he never seems to use them in the book. they’re mentioned once, when utterson is listing off his credentials, and never brought up again. why does he have them? what does he do with them? illuminati confirmed?

in the book, his canon wealth is the rough equivalent of around thirty million pounds in today’s money. to say he’s loaded is an understatement, honestly.

his house is enormous. it’s so big. it has three floors in the main building, and two floors in the laboratory, which is an entire separate building. he’s a bachelor. he doesn’t need this much space. what the fuck.

WHAT THEY’VE BEEN UP TO RECENTLY:

in canon verse, he mostly tends to just be living his double life. he’s content with that. in modern verse, he’s usually planning for whatever next big scientific conference he’s gonna go to.

WHERE TO FIND THEM:

usually in edinburgh. he travels around a lot more in the modern au, so he can sometimes be found in america, london, mainland europe, etc. it depends on the interaction.

CURRENT PLANS:

depends on the verse and the interaction.

DESIRED INTERACTIONS:

anything in canon verse, honestly?? it feels so rare that i ever get to write interactions in canon verse, so i’d love to do that. just anything is good.

ngl, i love the premise of ‘mary reilly,’ i just hate how it was executed. i’d love to do a plot similar to that, where your muse is jekyll’s servant and starts noticing the really shady shit that’s going down in his house.

i know this is a long shot, but i really want to write with characters closer to jekyll’s age. i bitch about it a lot, but it feels like there are no characters in the rpc over 30, let alone over 45 / 50, and that limits so much. i want jekyll to get to talk to characters his own age. there are so many things we could do with that, y’know?? i’ve gotten super tired of him always having to be the mentor / uncle figure to young characters.

more stuff in the scream au. fingerguns.

i’m up for most things, honestly. hmu if you have a certain idea!!

OFFERED INTERACTIONS:

see above, i guess??

CURRENT OPEN POST/S:

i don’t have many opens, tbh, sadly.

ANYTHING ELSE?:

if your only familiarity with the character of jekyll is from the musical / penny dreadful / a film adaptation / generic pop culture, please do take care to read my info?? it frustrates me a bit when people come in with clear misconceptions that show they didn’t read my pages.

in line with that, please never feel bad about asking me questions. i will never, ever judge you or get mad if you don’t know something about the book. honestly, talking about this story makes my day like nothing else does, so i am more than happy to answer questions of any kind. if there’s something on my pages that’s confusing, or if there’s something you heard about jekyll and you want to know if it holds true in the book, ask!! i don’t bite.

other than that, most important info is in my rules!!

TAGGING: anyone who wants to steal it tbh?? TAGGED BY: stole it from @prettywit tbh.

#( * ooc. )#( * wishlist. )#( * reference. )#HELL YEA

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uniformbravo · 7 years

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ramblin abt my ocs (a lot)

i think im starting to care abt my ocs again, which is good bc it seems like every time i go hard in a fandom for a while i get extremely apathetic abt my own characters (bc the ones im obsessed w/ at the time seem to outshine them in every conceivable way and make them look painfully boring in comparison), so im glad the current wave of those feelings is finally starting to wear off bc god

anyway i’ve been thinking about some old ocs lately (like from when i was 13/14) and i wanted to look into them some more so i pulled out the notebook that had their story, which was coincidentally the one that silan & sythra are originally from and wow it turns out there was actually a legit explanation for their alternate eye colors??

i know i’ve gone back to find this story before too (quite recently actually) so idk why i didn’t already know this, i think i literally just keep forgetting every time fkdfksjd

tbh it’s probably because it doesn’t apply anymore because ok their original story had a whole cast of characters with super powers (i’ve talked abt it a little before), and originally their Thing was that they could read each other’s minds, which is kind of still how they work now but the other thing they could do was share their literal sight? here’s the actual description from the story

If they are apart, they can do something called sight division, where they can choose to see what the other is seeing. It’s like because their eyes are opposite colors, they can match their missing eye with the other’s and share the sight.

like it makes sense and it’s a pretty cool idea tbh? and idk how i forgot about it but somewhere down the line their psychic relationship developed past the point of something like sight division even being necessary, like

in may 16th, the story i transferred them to after this, the link’s concept changed from simply being able to read each other’s minds to being a constant connection between them- it’s not a conscious decision they make to “read” what the other is thinking, they’re just always there in each other’s heads, aware of what is happening with the other person at all times

but even then the story would often have them mentally speaking full sentences to each other as a means of communication, whereas now it’s evolved even further past that; the current idea is that they are two separate entities that share the same mind space, constantly influencing and being influenced by each other’s thoughts, feelings, natures and personalities to the point that the line between the two of them distinguishing who’s who would be more accurately described as a gradient

so the concept of “sight division” has been rendered completely obsolete at this point because why would they need to share their sight when they literally know exactly what is happening with the other person at every waking moment of their connected lives

the reason for their eye colors became merely symbolic at some point between the original story and may 16th (i probably just forgot about the sight division & didn’t ever go back to check tbh) and the idea i’ve had ever since was that it was just a physical manifestation of their mental link; sythra’s eyes are originally blue and silan’s are originally brown, but because of the connection it’s like they have a little piece of each other within them, ergo the switching of their left eyes

that’s the explanation i’ve been using this whole time & i thought that’s how it always was, so reading the original concept kind of blew my mind & made me a little sad that i can’t use it anymore bc honestly??? good post op

anyway i rly want to do more with silan & sythra bc i feel like they have a lot of potential and i’ve had some cool ideas for them in the past, so maybe i’ll develop those more hmmm

i think i’d have to migrate them into another story separate from may 16th to really explore them, though. which is kind of a scary thought because may 16th is my baby, but. i think that time in my life has passed and it’s time to do something Bigger with these characters, because at this point they deserve so much more than Shitty High School Romance In Which Sythra Is Pretty Much Shoved To The Side To Make Room For The Main Relationship Plotline Where The Most Mediocre Dude Ever Shows Up & Steals Silan’s Heart By Being A Complete Dick To Him Wow (But Like, A Handsome Dick)

and ok that’s being a little harsh because that’s only the original draft- i’ve been salvaging it & rearranging it to make it leagues better, but the thing is, in the process i’ve only come to realize that it needs to become something bigger; my ideas are evolving it past that original high school romance setting, and while that setting will always hold a special place in my heart, i want to let this story and these characters breathe and grow to their full potential instead of caging them with nostalgia, you know? i think i’ll remember may 16th as the high school romance au, that is how it will live on in my heart

god i dont even know what i would do with chris in a new story though?? he is Truly the most mediocre and the only reason he was a prominent character in may 16th was because of his relationship with silan; if we’re gonna take that relationship away though then what is he even here for. his motivations include 1. Playing Sport and 2. Ignoring Every Emotion Especially The Gay Ones like god what an uninspired character what am i supposed to do with him. i mean i have been working on him lately but deep down i really do think he’s a boring character and i probably care about him the least out of all my main ocs hgjdgkdjksdg I FEEL BAD BUT

literally the only thing that has ever made him interesting to me is his relationship with silan like he has a fun dynamic with him and pretty decent development as a result of his interaction with him but as soon as he’s on his own he’s just sUch a boring character im snoring i need to fix chris somebody save him (read: me)

that’s the big problem here, i think. if im going to transfer these characters into a new story that’ll focus primarily on silan and sythra (or at least a lot more than may 16th did), chris would just be a huge distraction like he was in may 16th; if silan is what makes him interesting then he’ll just end up immediately latching onto silan and stealing the focus away from sythra bc chris only exists to be with silan, right. so the options im looking at here are

omit chris completely because he’d just be an unnecessary dead weight on the story or

find another purpose for him, give him new depth that doesn’t conform to a romance, reinvent him as a compelling standalone character who could fit right into any given setting- discover what defines him and build on it until he feels like he could be his own protagonist

....obviously one of these requires a lot more energy & dedication but. i cant just abandon my boy. my dumbass mediocre af shit boy

aaaaaanyway i’ve definitely gone on for way too long Oops i didnt mean to shit on chris for so many paragraphs hghdghsdgdj but im kinda glad i did bc that was smth i really needed to admit & come to that conclusion so That’s Cool. if anything u at least got to see a bit of what my brainstorming documents usually look like (theyre a mess)

but uhh ya Cool Glad We Could Have This Talk

#this got way too long looks like i never shut up abt my ocs what a surprise #(it's good tho im glad)#retag later #talkin bout stuff #rieley has oc's

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bytheanchorarchived · 7 years

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headcanons compilation ↬ alexander lightwood

a compilation of my scattered/posted (so far) alec lightwood headcanons. i will be updating this as i post more.

i don’t think jace realizes how much of alec’s self worth was always knit so tight to him. how deep the pain of his unrequited feelings really run. how it actually feels when jace starts to reject him (from his pov).

vampire academy au

drabble: alec and telling magnus he doesn’t need permission to be in his space

alec’s fantasy is

alec: top intelligences

alec and not being as KIND or COMPASSIONATE as u might think

alec’s kink is to be loved by a cute boy.

i just really like the idea of clary and alec learning to be friends, care for each other, learn from each other, and learn to share jace and share in their love for him and eventually in their friendship.

do you ever cry about the fact that most probably almost all the runes on jace’s left side were put there by alec?

jace didn’t always have perfect control over his extra strength, specially since he was used to training only with valentine, who was an adult at the time, which evened the field. when he first started training with alec and izzy he sometimes went too hard on them. izzy complained but alec never did, and would if needed hide any markings left, because he didn’t want jace to feel bad about it, and because he wasn’t about to admit he couldn’t take it from a kid almost two years younger than himself.

things alec wants: magnus casually touching him.

not feeling like a good person is something that both alec and jace carry for different reasons, and in two people that are so moral and were raised in such a lawful and righteous environment, that is an awfully dark weight to carry.

one of alec’s greatest pleasures is being around magnus after they said their i love you’s, because he never experienced before the freedom of being with someone he loves while being open about it, and as a result, getting to experience the rush of knowing they’re aware of his feelings and still wanna be there. just touching magnus, or kissing him, or being around him, while aware of all of this, makes a ridiculously huge difference.

ok, listen. alec learned how to treat, talk, and deal with, help, someone after strong trauma, growing up with jace. growing up with jace, he learned that you don’t just touch someone that is going through an episode because of abuse/trauma or other strong case of overwhelming emotion. he learned that unwanted affection can be just as bad as violence, or indifference, and that the BEST thing he can possibly do is let the other person know he’s there, and let them tell him what they need. alec never goes straight to jace physically, when he’s upset, unless he initiates it, or jace gives him a clear indication of what he needs (indication that to parabatai that grew up together can be just a look of permission). he RESPECTS the fact that his need to help the people he loves, should not, is not, and will never be more important than what that person needs or wants. he respects the fact that he DOESN’T know what a person with trauma needs better than themselves, and he knows that even silent support, or just making sure the person is safe, can make a huge difference. he accepts and understands the fact that someone during or after a traumatic event, or traumatic memories of that event, might not WANT or be able to HANDLE affection at all, and he’s ready to give it only, and only if, the person indicates that’s what they need. this has been demonstrated in the way he took care of isabelle while she was detoxing. this has been shown again with magnus. this has been shown with jace again on the roof. his own sensibility allowed him to learn this, and it’s what makes jace trust him so much. jace TRUSTS alec to be there for him, because he KNOWS alec won’t push him, or overwhelm him, or even so much as touch him without permission. and sometimes, though not always, just to know that he can have this small power and agency over his own body and what happens to it, and who touches it, and how, can be enough to wind him down a notch.

lowkey both alec and jace are oddly attracted to magnus’ lack of belly button.

alec really likes magnus’ hands.#he likes kissing them#touching them#holding#having them on his face#on his body#i mean

listen, magnus hands are magical, powerful, and so, SO kind, gentle, and hard working, and alec feels gratefulness and profound admiration.

listen, alec comes home from magnus all glittery, with lipstick marks, bed hair, and hickeys. he nuzzles magnus and likes to be touched all over, and doesn’t even realize he’s getting himself all shiny until someone points it out to him and he’s ‘ wh-wh-WHAT’ blushing mess. that happens bc alec doesn’t have the habit of looking at himself in the mirror at all. p sure he just goes about his business with his head down and thinking about a million things and never even lifts it, much less pays attention. after all, the boy that doesn’t even brush his hair, wouldn’t notice any of those on himself.

alec lightwood is a family man, a father, big brother, son, parabatai and a husband, before anything else and that’s what makes him the happiest.

i feel like jace passes by the bane-lightwood residence once in a while just to clean, because if he didn’t, between alec and magnus they’d drown in the mess.

tbh i actually think the beverage alec would like the most is wine, i have this headcanon that the institute and idris have the european tradition of wine at the dinner table, and the kids would be allowed to have a small glass as they grew up. it’s the one he’s more used to, and he likes it some because it feels like family and reminds him of home even if it’s a memory blur of the institute and his few scattered memories of alicante. it’s the one he knows a little more about too.

alec spent so many years controlling himself that he doesn’t have a quick trigger at the start. he keeps holding his body down subconsciously and has to remind himself he can let go, it might not even happen the first time he’s more intimate with someone. he spent years hating every little natural reaction on his body, training himself against it, and it takes him a while longer than an usual boy his age to physically manifest his arousal, to allow himself to. it becomes more natural as he feels safe and more used to the relationship.

also, i think that’s what people find so funny in the book (and by people i mean other characters) when alec is like “clary is one of my best friends” ? because they’re like, you couldn’t care less about her five minutes ago. but that’s the THING about alec, once he takes you under his wing, he does and it’s finished. it doesn’t matter what he thought before because once you’re one of them, you’re one of them, to alec and he’ll keep you safe with his life.

another example of this is when clary hears alec comforting izzy after simon is turned into a rat, and she’s crying and like, HE COULD HAVE DIED, and alec is like, very patiently saying, so what if he had? and izzy is like I WOULD HAVE- and he’s like “you would have continued to do what you always did and lived your life as usual.” and clary says he sounds like he’s done this many times before and not once does she says he sounds worried for simon or the other boys or that isabelle seems to get a lot of people in trouble, because SHE is not in trouble. alec. lightwood. doesn’t. care. he’s super lovely to izzy but not once he worries about simon, at that point.and YET, later on, when simon has saved their lives and stuff in cog, he DOES worry about him, when the clave takes him. so you see what i’m saying here?

talking to nanda @magnusbanedfromperu and headcanon that once they’re older, starting with alec after he adopts max, maryse teaches all her three children to cook, so they can cook for her grandchildren.

the truth is, ale.c head of the instit,ute would never work. he was already forced to choose between his family and the clav.e and he’ll continue to be. you can’t be against the system, while also answering to the system and representing it. if he truly wants to educate shadowhunt.ers, he can’t be liable by the cl.ave for his every move. if he always has to compromise to keep his position, if that is more important — keeping the title — than working for change, then his hands will always be tied. at the end of the day he’ll live a hypocritical, limited, life.

when ale.c is like that but with kids he brings home and mag.nus is HOW DID WE GET ANOTHER CHILD. and al.ec just……………………………………. i saw them, they’re ours now.also, actually i was gonna say this before and thought it sounded mean but it’s just alec, alec is really like: they’re my child now, you don’t need to pitch in, but if you want to be their father with me i will love you even more for it. however, regardless of anything, they’re mine now and i will take care of them for the rest of my life.

do you ever think about isabelle and jace pranking alec and giggling in the corner?

alec.lightwood.doesn’t.see.people.as.their.sexuality.doesn’t.see.himself.as.his.sexuality.doesn’t.give.a.shit.what.your.sexuality.is.only.what.you.do.doesn’t.hate.people.because.of.their.sexuality.doesn’t.exist.for.that.

listen those blue jammies were alec’s once, bc maryse bought them to match his eyes, only alec didn’t like them so much because they were too bright, and so she gave them to jace, which is why neat-freak jace sleeps in clothes that have a hole in it. bc alec made it and they were alec’s jammies.

show headcanons

now all i can think about is that alec still had conflicted feelings after kissing magnus, and that when he snaps at him and says “after everything i did for you” that he’s actually screaming that at jace, like seeing jace on magnus, specially considering how tortured he is. as though, “after everything i did for you, you still left me, you left me and made me stay back and protect everyone when all i wanted was to go with you.” it’d also mesh well with what he says in his ‘apology’, about how not having jace around makes him confused and feeling as though he can’t stand on his own. that part of him is hurt that jace left, even if he rationally knows he did it for them, he’s still furious he went without putting up a fight, because he knew what that would cause to alec, how it’d kill him, but alec still had to be strong and protect everyone else, specially clary from going after them. when what he wanted was to run after jace, himself.

bc him saying that to magnus makes no sense we can even see that in magnus face he’s outraged like wtf u talking about alexander bc alec did do the wedding thing for himself and everything else magnus has done was to help him even if alec didn’t want him in the end he’d still want to help him, so alec’s outburst was confusing and makes no sense but if you look at it from this point of view of him being frustrated and nearly through a panic attack and feeling betrayed and like he can’t trust anyone and no one will LISTEN to how he FEELS and how BAD it is and his head just shifts into jace and all the crap they’ve been through in s01 and he snaps at the wrong person bc he feels like he’s going to burst from it all

alec / izzy and the demon possession / yin fen

“ I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE SEX IN MY BOYFRIEND’S APARTMENT YET. HOW HAVE YOU?!?!?!!?!”

alec did feel it when jace tried to kill himself during the trial. in fact, he felt jace’s anguish and despair, and he got hit by it hard, which is what ultimately made him vulnerable for the demon possession and attracted it to him, in the first place. jace’s anguish through the bond knocked alec’s guard down and got him possessed.

alec was serene and happy earlier when he talked to magnus. he was worried about jace, but he was so certain jace would be back in an instant that he wasn’t tortured by it. sure the demon possessions were scary and all, but alec isn’t a scared little child, and he knows better than to let his guard down. he wasn’t vulnerable, he was feeling grateful to be alive, to have jace back, to have magnus.so why and how would the demon get in him? the most logic explanation is that jace was in such terror and pain and anguish that it seeped through the bond, and hit alec. which then, for my alec, drove his possessed self to clary’s room looking for her, where he found jocelyn instead.

what i really take into consideration about alec’s despair for finding jace, beyond the parabatai bond, beyond loving him so deeply, was that (mine, at least) alec had grown up hearing jace’s stories about his father. he grew up holding jace at night when he had nightmares. listening to incredibly awful stories told in a nonchalant tone because jace never even knew how bad it was; because he never knew any differently; listening to a little boy talk about his father with a fierce loyalty and love, when alec only felt stomach sick at the way he was raised, treated and beaten. jace literally thinks how he remembers looking for beating scars on his body after his father died, because those were the closest connections he had to him. and alec KNOWS this. he knows all of it. he knows exactly how jace was abused, how he feels about it, how vulnerable he is to valentine, and i think that of everything THIS is what scares him the most.

i think that when he was a little kid, he promised himself that he would NEVER let someone hurt jace like that again. and i think it really translates in his complete despair at not being able to find him. he knows more than anyone, almost as much as jace, what valentine is capable of. he knows intimately of the mental and emotional effects that has had on someone whose soul he has inside him. he KNOWS how this is gonna wreck jace apart, and it HURTS, because he swore he’d never let valentine(or michael) get his hands on him again and then it happened.

i’m sure i’m the slowest person on earth but i think i just maybe realized their intention with alec+jocelyn (i mean besides another wedge between fraywood). that alec’s rage brought him to clary’s room, to kill her, and found jocelyn in it, instead.+ i mean, i thought about it because before that we get that scene between clary and her mom, and there’s this pretty pointless comment of her saying she was guarding clary’s room, to make sure it was clear. it’d make sense? if izzy came for alec, because she focused years of resentment on him, alec does focused a lot of his resentment with himself on clary since she showed up.

ok. but seriously. this makes so much sense to me, and it’s my headcanon now. and now i’ve made myself sad. we got almost the entire first half of the episode reminding us of how alec’s annoyed by clary, doesn’t like her etc. then there was jocelyn’s comment that she was guarding clary’s bedroom. and i’m pretty sure some part of alec still irrationally, deep down, blamed clary for jace being through all the suffering he can feel his parabatai going through. valentine wouldn’t order jocelyn dead, specially when he hadn’t even got to talk to her yet. and while alec did have reasons to hate her, i.e. for what she did to jace, and how she used him too, she wouldn’t be his priority target. so what does make sense to me, was that he was looking for the daughter and found jocelyn instead, and it was good enough for the demon, given the circumstances. clearly i’m not saying alec wants clary dead, ofc not, much less to be the one to kill her, but just that his emotions would much more likely guide the demon towards her than her mother.

memory demon : “the one person you love the most.” /love/ the most. and while you could argue it was a sibling type of love (which is bullshit), alec’s reaction to it makes it clear that was not what that was, and he knew it wasn’t, and therefore could not possibly IMAGINE that someone would think it was something else, and not what he hated himself so much for. just like izzy knew. magnus knew. and clary knew. and jace did too at that moment. i just don’t get how someone can think that isn’t important. is alec falling in love with magnus? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY, but that doesn’t invalidate feelings he’s had before. it takes a while to work those kind of things out. he’s learning to love jace in a platonic way. i don’t know about anyone else, but, to me, you just don’t forget your first love, and everyone you’ve loved in fact, stays with you in one way or another. everything was done rushed-ly (though we know that was not their fault in season 01) so yES. alec WAS in love with jace still. at least my alec would always have been.just like camille is fucking important, and not dispensable, neither is jace to alec. their heartbreaks and unrequited love, are part of what make them finding each other so important. discarding that just actually cheapens their love, in my opinion.

malec fighting : i want magnus to drop his gentleness for once, and be the powerful, centuries old warlock around alec. i want him to give alec a good shake (with words), so he realizes he can’t just shift back into treating magnus like “any other downworlder” that doesn’t belong in his business whenever he’s angry, scared, or upset. i loved that scene so much, but now i really wanted a confrontation that didn’t happen last time, when alec apologized instead, and magnus was sweet to him and that was great, but i wanted him to shake alec up a bit this time. like yes, he understands, but alec needs to understand too. that that was his family as much as it was alec’s. that alec can’t just be a shadowhunter, in business mode, that has no space for magnus whenever things get hard.

#ok#i see where you're coming from and all#but let me tell you about the word 'friend'#that fucking word#hurts so much#so fucking much#idk if that's the case here with magnus#but i can say that even watching that scene made me flinch#there is a world of conotations#of sweeping under the rug#of diminishing#of shaming#of dismissing#and of humiliation in that word#specially when it's said in the exact tone he said it#it actually hurt me to see it#it's a brutal word when said just right X

there is a reason for why alec never sensed jace’s hook ups before, but jace felt it when alec and magnus first had something intimate with each other. the reason being that what jace felt and called happiness was actually a mix of intimacy, safety, yes, pleasure, but above all, love. since jace has never been in love before clary, and never had the chance to have something more with her, alec never felt the same from him. which is why it was a big surprise when he found out jace felt it, and it’s something he’s definitely to this day not entirely comfortable with. when clary and jace finally have their moment, alec will probably feel it too. it is certainly one of the reasons for his jealousy and pain in the first season, as he’s felt many things from 🇯🇦🇨🇪 towards girls before, but had never sensed him actually falling in love with someone else, until her.

people say alec is not affectionate enough but honestly to my alec those little touches are such an evolution??? just talking about my portrayal, personally, he was definitely more affectionate as a child, but ever since his gay thoughts™ started, he slowly stopped being freely affectionate to people. it started with jace, and then it extended to not initiating affection unless other people did for him. he’s JUST learning that it’s okay and he’s okay being who he is and he’s not gonna taint people just by touching them, or his close ones aren’t gonna find out he’s weird if they stand too close, or he’s not gonna give himself away if he lets himself be sensible and warm and let people in. that his love is not tainted. the fact that he’s initiating so many little gestures of affections is incredible to me. and i know the show doesn’t quite show how much of his struggle was due to homophobic society since that is so toned down in it, but his struggle was supreme, and to be this confident in himself, this comfortable, with greeting kisses and casual touching, that is amazing to me.

ok but look at his face. i know there’s this whole show thing where suddenly alec is the most confident person in the world, but that’s not how my interpretation will go. he’s not comfortable in this position, at all. he doesn’t even know if this is what he actually wants or just what his family imposed for him and he’s just used to it. he didn’t have the time to figure that out with jace having been head for less than 24 hours. at this point it feels like an obligation he can’t escape, and he feels wrong telling people what to do and being in this much exposition. he doesn’t like it. and he’s not even sure the job is for him.

jalec headcanon hour: jace is able to, through their parabatai bond, activate alec’s runes for him without a stele, and at a distance, just like he does with his own.

i firmly believe alec is overcompensating on confidence and decision-making for having not done so the episode magnus was trapped inside valentine. that’s why he’s so“FINE”, with all of this. he KNEW something was wrong the moment he touched magnus to get him off the floor after azazel’s attack. but he didn’t trust himself, and if he had, and had been more involved, instead of accepting the clave’s authority, things would had been different. now he’s desperate to fix this however he can, prove himself not only as a protector but as DIFFERENT from the institution that did what they did to magnus, the downworlders, and so many other prisoners, and trust his gut. and just really hoping it won’t explode all on his face. pretty sure an anxiety attack is on the way when things get too big to handle. he’s much too young for this big a responsibility over so many lives. he might look all grown up but if clary is eighteen, that means he’s twenty one at best. and i feel like it’s often forgotten.

ok, but, good part of why it took my alec a while to realize the whole switch thing is he’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. aka people, including magnus, to reject him.

for weeks after alec dies for a second, jace has repeated nightmares of re-living that scene, only alec never comes back and jace in the dream thinks reality is the illusion. it messes him up for a while, where he needs to touch alec to know he’s real and there and alive, and jace wakes up gasping and while he’s dreaming he at times chants the ‘please don’t leave me, alec’ hoping this time he will get to live. some times in those dreams alec is killed by wolves, or by valentine’s hand because jace refuses to obey. some times he wakes up with his parabatai rune burning.

#trigger_#for everything alec has been through #long post_#compilation ↬ alec lightwood

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