#and it feels like no one actually gives a fuck. im being constantly invalidated
Text
Waking up crying because after 2 years of grinding and understudying I was called back to play a real lead for a renowned director (me out of 3 girls total) and I lost the role to a girl who just auditioned here for the first time. The worst part is that I am also her understudy for the show before that!
#and it feels like no one actually gives a fuck. im being constantly invalidated#“thats showbiz” bitch this is a community theatre that prides itself on fairness#im not saying I shouldve just gotten the role bc ive been there. either role.#i am saying though that playing a fucking lead has historically been treated like a privilege.#because it can lead to huge opportunities once ppl see you that way#and tbf I nailed the callback. even the girl cast (whos also my new friend) said honestly she was sure it was me.#before i was even called back i had fellow actors saying id be perfect for it#i know why he cast the other girl. there are multiple reasons.#but honestly her reasons and mine weigh much the same. and she just got there.#im emphasizing SHE JUST GOT THERE#she even told me she just wanted to be involved#this is the 2nd time this has happened to me and im really fucking sick of it.#and now that ive regained some weight.....who tf else will cast me#i dont want to have to go all ED again i dont have the money or energy#also I cant dance very well. at least not in callbacks. i always forget what move comes next and i bomb it.#anyway. now im waking up crying. and its coming from a selfish place so no one is here to give a fuck.#this is the worst position to be in lmfao. if i have feelings about something im the villain and a diva.#i have to be “humble” but oh!! dont be down on yourself either!! have pride!!#this month has sucked so bad.#blu babbles#also. shes really good! but shes absolutely not THAT good lmfao. her presence is awesome and she dances well#and her voice is really nice! shes a triple threat but like. all areas are just *at* the bar yknow?#for me ive been told my acting is also at the bar my dancing is just below the bar and my voice is way above the bar.#shes been asking me for tips on singing and no one also seems to see how that feels like twisting the knife.#ik its not intentional. shes just naive. but it still hurts. it hurts really really bad.#im like @ god if you want me to have faith and confidence in myself why are you making me into a loser#first i lose my ex. then my car gets fucked up. also its been cloudy for 2+ weeks so depression. then i gain weight.#now i lose BOTH roles i was called back for.#i dont even want to go to rehearsal today. what the hell do they need me for.
1 note
·
View note
Note
terrified to even use our sign off for this.
we, well, actually i, have been so fucking scared that this makes us invalid. i once talked about it and our system friends didnt go "oh yeah that happens!" they went "oh... hm thats weird, usually..." and its scared me. im so terrified.
normally, we dont split with roles. our mind and body have a huge struggle connecting, and we have a hard time understanding our needs due to trauma and other disorders (adhd, reactive attachment disorder, undiagnosed autism), so i think that may be why. we have some caretakers and soothers, a worker, a protector, and one alter whos kinda like a gatekeeper but he cant control memories, but thats all ive ever seen. most are fictives with no clear roles.
ever since i figured out were a system, i.. regretfully didnt try to change how we– how **i** functioned. i let everyone do whatever they wanted, and i simply did everything. i tried to function like a singlet while i had 70+ people in my head dissociating or screaming or complaining. sometimes others help, but its not their role. sometimes a few have a mindset of "i dont have to do it, im new here, idk what to do" and i get it. theyre new, they really dont know how to live our life and function yet.
but we never even tried to function as a multiple
we are extremely young, no adult or professional believes us, we arent diagnosed, and were afraid to talk to our therapist because she gives us a weird look and constantly tries to shoot our experiences down as something else.
no one is a true frequent fronter, so i have a hard time thinking of who i could "assign" roles to.
i think my bfain needs help in figuring out WHAT we need help with, because were just splitting alters with no roles. they dont seem to be fragments really, or maybe they are and i just cant tell the difference?? because they feel fully fledged. just no role. its like my brain just gives me random guys on the street to hire or something.
its frustrating, and holy fucking shit my head hurts so bad right now auuggh
It’s not weird to split and an alter have no role upon first being around. It’s normal for a few, if not a majority, of systems. Even we do this.
We give the parts that split with no roles a few days to get their bearings and see if they front or if they’re just around to help out other alters or something else. If they don’t front, they have no role because they’re the only ones that need to know what they do at that given time. If they front? Hey, what role best describes you? We have a list. One doesn’t describe you? Okay, we’ll go to a blog and anonymously ask for a role name with a flag specifically for you and others like you to have a role as a just in case.
Not every alter needs a role or has one that you can tell. It’s okay to not force roles onto an alter.
If you can, try asking them what they’d like to help with. Cleaning? Caretaker. Protecting the body from others? Protector. Things like that.
You’re young. Focus on what you need rather than what others want from you. Be patient with yourself and see what everyone can say in your system to help function together.
#anti endo#did system#system#osddid#endos dni#traumagenic system#actually did#endos not for you#actually traumagenic#did plural#did plurality#osdd plural#osdd plurality
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
I mean I guess from my perspective I've already explained myself pretty well, but I've had so many conversations with so many different people at this point that maybe some of it is blurring together. We ARE discussing the possibility of personality disorders that somewhat warp my perception of the truth and as I've said, I've pretty much lost the ability to empathize wirh her at all because, again, I'm constantly expected to put myself on the line for her bssicslly by obligation but when I need some emotional understanding or support, well, I get talked over, I get invalidated, I get mocked.
Oh text Miranda from across the house for a glass of water because you have a headache and emotionally badger her until she does it, but when she's so congested she can barely eat or breathe, let the litterbox literally start molding waiting for her to recover because 'I just don't like how it smells'. Oh, your super depressed daughter who's been physically abused by the husband you barely knew before getting married to is depressed and isn't going to school/doesn't have a job? Better make sure that any time you ask her for anything, if she doesn't feel like it, shove down her throat that she sits at home all day anyways while you're at work, but don't worry, when your daughter is the one working manual labor jobs and you're unemployed sitting on the couch all day, you'll just use AGE as an excuse and still badger and insult her when she's too sore to get out of bed! When I was A CHILD literally falling apart from clear mental illness and literal actual disability, I'm told I need to exercise more, im told "oh you're like a self fulfilling prophecy, it's like you WANT to be this way, it's like you give up and MAKE bad things happen to you" but when she wastes DECADES going to doctors trying to investigate issues that are just symptoms of things she already diagnosed with I'm just the absolute fucking devil for implying the reason why her body aches is because she's been overweight and physically sedentary fir big portions of her life and she barely gets any vitamin D let alone exercise
Oh, I need to apply myself more, oh, I need to have more confidence in myself, oh I need to buy things for myself if I want them, but then I start buying things for my hair and my skin and makeup because I like those things and there are also problems I am legitimately trying to fix and then it's "oh you're overdoing it, oh you're wasting money, oh you're making it worse, oh are you even researching any of this" when she's the one telling me stupid bullshit like "when you shave it grows back thicker, I had a friend in my younger days that was a dermatologist and that was what she said" 🙄
All the times she lost jobs because she just kept oversleeping and oversleeping or quit just because she lost her temper and suddenly we're on foodstamps and going to pantries again. Having to get cars every few years because she treats them poorly and they keep breaking down and then she has to take out loans or make payments to get another shitty car and then she'll forget about older payments until they're being sent to collections and they're coming after her (she literally doesn't answer her phone unless she's expecting a call because she's gotten collections calls for YEARS) and now there's stuff on my credit report because she put shit in my name and forgot about them
I literally keep turning around and there are LISTS of mistakes she had made that have significant and often financial consequences and she does them over and over and over! There were times she was taking out loans to try and get degrees and literally finished none of them. Cosmetology school, TWICE. A community college for idk a computer degree or something, never finished. Something for university of Phoenix, never finished
My public school education was DESTROYED by the constant moving. I had problems brushing my teeth as a kid ao she LIED TO ME and said I had cavities and never told me the truth until YEARS later and by that point I had stopped brushing my teeth BECAUSE OF HER LIE because it made me more depressed and told me everything was pointless.
I guess I'm just a shitty person and I'll never change, idk, I dunno what im supposed to do to fix things. I think I'm beginning to realize I'm just a shitty person who was born wrong and maybe its time I stop burning myself out for everyone else when i still have to fix my ken problems, or, something. I get talked over and invalidated at home, in the past at school, and now as an adult it's at work. It's draining. If no one wants to listen to me then I'll just keep being bitter and shitty on my own terms and just marinate innit until I finally get the stones to take some sort of action, whatever that may be, positive, negative, hopefully a positive change obviously but you never know
I'm so exhausted at this point that sometimes it really is just "shrug shrug guess I don't care anymore". It's not like I want to be this way. I'm trying. To be better. I'm trying to be perfect. And it's just never going to happen.
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
Why do you want to be dominated? Don’t tell your one of those dumb liberal feminists please 🙏🏼 you seem so intelligent
for the record being called intelligent in this context is not flattering. mayb i am a dumb liberal feminist? then what? would that invalidate everything that lead you to believe i was intelligent prior to me saying i like dominant energy?? :/ anyway. i think what you are referring to as dominance and my perception of dominance have us speaking at cross purposes. dominance, like assertiveness, is a way of being, not necessarily a label for roles taken on, or actions performed, during sex. i believe theres an art to submissive energy and that the person receiving it must have a character i deem worthy. for me, its all about energetic and sexual compatibility. if im horny and just wanna fuck i can flip between the role of dom sub or even be verse, because in that context the aim is pleasure, & not necessarily mental, emotional, energetic exchange. but when im in a relationship with a person, i like the feeling of containment. that containment (trust in a persons integrity, character and manner of handling people and situations, including me) gives me the urge to please them and be open to them leading me, teaching me, showing me things, or even asserting their will over me, etc. it has nothing to do with my power or their power, but actually the relinquishing of it all together. its just the expression of my nature, and the nature of the person im with, meeting. giving myself over is an extension of the trust i feel toward someone and thats what turns me on. its both assertive and powerful in its own right, because ultimately my energy and my body is mine to share. and im not even talking about sex btw. for someone to evoke a submissive side out of me in any capacity is what attracts me. whether its a friend i trust to lead me through the woods or how someone dances with me. everyone has assertive and receptive energy within them, but its the expression of it that varies. sometimes the energy draws the person its directed toward inward, and at other times the energy exudes itself pouring outward. and it has nothing to do with bdsm, rough sex, or *insert any sexual act*. it also doesn't mean ill never take on a more dominant role in my relationships. its just that i know i am capable of it and as such constantly exhibiting my dominance to someone i feel lacks gravitas or the ability to match me is lackluster.
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
But It’s Better If You Do
Trying to keep your relationship with your professor was easy enough, until you learned that someone had found out about it.
words: 7,424
tags: manipulative!peter, explicit noncon/dubcon elements, degredation, implied overstimulation, blackmailing, kidnapping, college student and professor relationship,
a/n: whew this had a lot of words compared to what i usually write. plus, since im bad at titles, i’ll just use my fav song titles lmao. (ps. erik lehnsherr aka magneto is here and im just glad i could put him in my little fictional world bc im d biggest slut for him)
A complete lie, you just did not want to deal with college fuck boys.
The man in front of the class was practically pouring his heart out into the lecture. The chalkboard was filled with white letterings from left to right, not knowing where to start as you take down notes.
“It is important to keep in mind that bimolecular structure and function are dictated by the properties of the medium in which they are dissolved,” your professor explains while continually pacing from one end to the other among the students seated at the first row.
You decided to seat around the middle to the last row, knowing it was the least obvious way for other students in the class to notice how much you fawn over your Organic Chemistry professor rather than the subject itself.
Honestly you could listen to him talk for hours. All those information he had been discussing would not actually process through your thoughts. You knew that better than anyone.
But who honestly would invalidate your reason? Everyone can probably relate to hating Chemistry, no matter what subcategory it is.
Considering that this was probably one of the most difficult courses you had in your program. You were just thankful and lucky enough you landed on one of the hottest professors amongst the campus.
“Hey what did Professor Lehnsherr say about the problems during synthesis of proteins?” Peter asks.
In spite of being fortunate about everything else about this subject, you were not quite happy about Peter Parker following you around like a lost puppy. Especially during the classes you both have alike.
The boy constantly asks so much questions as if you were the teacher already. In addition, he seemed smart enough to figure things out yet somehow he keeps on bugging you for reassurance.
You did not want to be rude. He has not done anything to completely deserve your rage, however he was definitely getting on your nerves.
Honestly you would not want to be infuriated over his consistent queries, but you were just as distracted as he was, maybe even more. With this, you were looking dumber to him each day.
To anyones pride, it was probably a kick in the stomach. You knew you were not the brightest in this class, but it was best to leave the information to yourself. No need for anyone to point out how mindless you were.
And you really were not. You had other Science subjects you totally excel at. Sadly, Chemistry was just not one of them.
“Well, uh, I don’t think I got that part either.” You look aside where he was seated and awkwardly smiled at him before mentioning an apology, “Sorry, Peter.”
In return, Peter smiled at you and dismissed the question. You were not so sure whether to forget about it or take even the least bit of offense. You felt a little mocked by how easily he did it and innocently he smiled, but maybe you were just overthinking this through.
“It’s fine,” he tells. “I just didn’t get the third bullet, but I’ll try to review it in the textbook when I get home.”
“Oh okay, sure.”
“Speaking about reviewing,” Again, Peter tries to start another discourse.
“I was wondering if you got reviewers for the upcoming text for next week? We all know how difficult Professor Lehnsherr’s exams can get, right?” He lets out a forced chuckle, assuming it could lighten the mood.
As much as he tried to make small talks with you, almost everyday, today you really feel like you did not want to return the favor. Especially after having to bring up the test next week.
“I don’t really make reviewers, I usually just scan the books I have at home.”
Lies. You probably have a box full of index cards and sticky notes in your room.
You tried to use every studying tips every corner of the Internet could give. All those study-life hacks that really did not help much but pile up to your disorganized state of mind.
You fucking tried to study Chemistry. You really did.
“What, you don’t?!” He suddenly exclaims, not realizing the loudness of his voice as it almost caught the attention from people at front. “You seem to be busy all the time though. It’s like I always catch your writing or reading something in class.”
Maybe your mood was just off but it definitely seemed weird for him to say that. Though, you did not want to make something from what he said. It was not worth your time.
“I guess people are not always what they seem to be, yeah?”
Again, Peter gives out that soft chuckle and smile, “Then I guess so. You do make a point.”
He does not argue with you any further.
“Can I at least borrow your Physics book? I only bought Chemistry and Biotech for the semester. Didn’t know they would actually utilize it for once,” he scoffs.
At first you hesitated. You were reviewing for it too, but you already felt bad for being no help whenever he asks a question and often times disregarding him when your mood if off. Plus, you did just make it look like you were not much of a study-freak.
“Okay.”
He instinctively fist pumps the air and looks at you with a wide, grateful grin. “Thank you so much. You’re a lifesaver, Y/N.”
“Don’t mention it.” You grab the book he needs from your bag and hands it to him. He accepts it and places it inside his while also clearing the rest of his things.
Looking at his digital wristwatch wherein he raised his index finger up as if he figured something out of it, he says, “He’s going to dismiss the class in a few minutes. We should get ready for Cell Biology next period.
Oh how you hated it. Were you jumping to conclusions? Or was this boy really trying to be too close with you? Or was he just being nice and informing you to prepare ahead?
God, you did not give Peter Parker the right to cloud up your thoughts like this.
“Thanks,” you say, “but I need to talk to Professor Lehnsherr after class. Have to, uh, consult him about my concept paper that he made us submit last week.”
As he tidies his notebooks up and carelessly shoves it inside his backpack, he immediately looks back at you with a confused expression, “Oh, I can always wait for you–”
“It’s fine, Peter. Thank you though.” Two of your hands were instinctively waving in front of you, a meek gesture for him to stop coddling you or whatever move he had been trying to make at you.
“Are you sure? I–”
And if you were ought to be saved further from lashing out over Peter’s incessant attempts, you finally heard the words any student was longing to hear. “Class dismissed. I’ll see you all on Monday.”
“Eri–err, Professor Lensherr just dismissed the class. Better catch up to him before he heads out,” you hurriedly said. And with a loud slam from your notebook, you quickly shut him out. In addition, you practically shoved every thing in front of you into your bag without sparing a second glance.
One strap of your back was slung over your shoulder as you hurriedly flew down the aisle. Professor Lehnsherr was midway into packing his things before you interrupted and approached him.
“Professor,” you call out. “I have a question. About the paper I handed in last week.”
“Uhuh.” He faintly furrows his eyebrows, trying to hide his already obvious bewilderment. “I forgot which assignment was that, Ms. Y/L/N.”
There were students still exiting in class. So you tried your best to make your conversation with him less suspicious. He was most likely doing the same.
“It was about the Chemistry-proposal thing.” You snapped your fingers a few times as you gathered your train of thought, but realizing it was not going effectively. “Well I just wanted to confirm it since, you know, I was hoping for any feedback from you throughout this week.”
“I’m not sure if I have read it. I’ve certainly been busy this week,” he clarifies. “Nonetheless, we can talk about it later. Thank you for bringing it up. I’ll make sure to follow it up in my schedule, Ms. Y/N.”
Both of you made your way out the door once there were only a minuscule amount of students left in class. You probably had been looking at your professor with gushing stares, but you doubt the other people in the room could notice it. They were farther away from where both of you stood, much less would they be able to hear what the two of your were talking about.
“Oh thank you so much, sir!” You almost cried out and jumped in joy while reaching through the threshold. Moreover, you composed yourself before mumbling out, “I’ll see you later, Eric.”
In which you were certain no one would have heard it besides him.
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
“I’m sure you’ll get a good grade in the exams, Y/N,” Eric leans back to his seat with a humble smile upon his face.
“Really? I doubt so, there’s a kid in your class that keeps bugging me out to a study date, or whatever you call it,” you sneer. You lick your lips as you finish taking a sip around the wine glass, setting it down and looking back at the man you were having dinner with. “It’s getting very annoying though, he surely knows how to get on my nerves.”
“I’m sure he’s just trying to flirt with you, like any other college boys do.” He optimistically and maturely lays out the options. “It’s pretty normal for anyone to chase someone they are fond of, especially for young adults like you.”
It was a pretty obvious sign that he was trying to let his message reach you.
“Well, I apologize for my standards of men,” you say. “I just want to skip the whole heartbreak in college and character development. All that stuff you usually see in a typical teen romance movie.”
You sigh, looking down and saying, “I already found a man for me. Why would I stoop down for some guy who’s most likely wanting something from me, and dumping me once he got what he wanted.”
“Y/N, I don’t blame you for liking men that’s ten years older than you,” Eric assures. “But I want you to realize that you still have a lot to look forward after graduating
“And I look forward for you too!” You tried to not raise your voice, though having dinner in his house wouldn’t really catch anyones attention. “I can’t wait to finally graduate from second semester and be able to spend more time, publicly, with you.”
“Yes, I understand, honey.” He places his hand over yours as he tries to calm you down. “Like I said, I just want you to make sure that you’ve clearly thought this through.”
Eric adds, “There’s plenty of men out there. I don’t want to take away your opportunity of experiencing something new at such a young age.”
“I’m turning twenty-four! I promise you I’m thinking everything through.” Your voice was much weaker than a few seconds ago. The evident tone of strength fades even with one glance from the man in front of you. You felt yourself shrink in your seat. But you were sure he does not intend to frighten you into compliance.
“Sorry,” you pout. “Didn’t mean to raise my voice.”
“I understand, and I won’t pressure you any more tonight, okay?” He tries to uplift your mood, detecting quickly the shift of the room’s atmosphere. “You deserve a good dinner tonight, like I promised, sweetie.”
His smile made you calmer. It was then that you realized why you were attracted to a man like him even if he was still your teacher.
The way he handles you in any given situation so sensibly. Though it may feels intimidating at first, he consequently tries to override the tone of the conversation which cheers you up.
With one hand, he hold yours and gently draws it towards him at the same moment he leans his head down. Eric presses a kiss against the back of your hand and you butterflies immediately fill inside your stomach. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Every doubt you had entirely disappeared now. If there were hints of you hesitating to continue seeing Eric, they were certainly long gone now.
“Let me drive you home after dinner,” he offers, like the gentleman he is.
Eric always does make sure you get home safe. However, you both agreed that he drops you off at least a block away from your house. Just in case people around your neighborhood might catch you, or worse your parents.
It was not like you were ashamed of your relationship with Eric. Cautious was the term.
You were only a few months in seeing him. Fair enough, he was your second semester professor and the both of you met before that period.
You were not only risking the wrath of your parents once they hear you’re dating an older man, let alone your Chemistry teacher. But you were also putting him at risk if ever his faculty finds out.
Eventually, the two of you pack up and end your conversation. Other than talking about college, the two of you also talk more about yourselves which has progressed you into learning more about each other’s personalities and likes.
He helps you out of his house and into the passenger seat of his car. It had been more than thrice wherein he drove you home, and the familiar scent of leather and the typical Glad air fresheners has clung onto your nose. You strap on your seatbelt on just as he was getting inside the driver’s side.
The ride was not entirely dead silent. Eric made a few more small talks before finally turning a right which was where he usually drops you off. It amazes you how instantly he remembered the way to your home, as you instructed him the first time.
“Thank you for tonight, like always, Eric.”
As always, you made your way out of his car prior to giving him a kiss. You only had to walk straight ahead, glancing at your home which had one dim light illuminating through one window.
Upon entering the house, you figured your parents were already asleep and a hint of the living room lamp was present. Taking the benefit of not having to be interrogated by anyone, you rushed upstairs to your bedroom, turned on the lights, and immediately closed the door behind you with a sigh of relief. A smile was also visible after recalling your night with Eric.
As you made your way towards your bed, a piece of paper lays obvious in the middle of it. Your sheets were flattened and tidied, so you could obviously detect when something is placed on top of it. You have no memory of leaving it early in the morning before you left too.
When picking the paper up, you realized it was a piece of polaroid film. Its back was facing you, having no idea what to expect at the front.
At that point, the smile from your face turned into horror and all the color in you basically drained away.
The picture displayed you and Eric at one dinner night out from a few days ago, you still remember. It could have been anything but malicious, but the way his hand was intertwined with yours as both of you laugh away without worries. It was clear as day, the light shining perfectly at the both of you. Anyone can conclude what was happening in the picture.
You did not know this day would come. The picture was taken from Eric’s home to prevent such things like this from happening. So it puzzled you just as much at it terrified you.
This was definitely someone who had been stalking either one of you. It was not a mere instance like paparazzis who catch celebrities dating on the streets of New York.
Someone definitely have been observing the two of you.
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
Days have passed, a week almost. Examinations are scheduled for tomorrow.
And you prayed that the picture you received would be the only thing terrorizing your dreams. But you were completely wrong.
From thereon, you started to receive more pictures, specifically one every morning and night, from your past hangouts with Eric. It were simple shots but had the power to completely jeopardize either one of you, mostly him at stake though.
It was obvious that the person behind this was definitely observing the two of you for a while. Probably even during the most earliest weeks when your relationship with him started.
Though it may seem unfair, you did not mention anything about it to Eric. It was enough the he was keeping with you, his job, and himself private – which clearly was not working out so well. You felt like it was your responsibility to handle this situation. You were so sure you did not try to publicize anything and kept it on the low.
Nevertheless, it was out there. Eric had not mentioned anything so you assumed he did not receive a picture like you did.
Currently, you were seated at the farthest row at the back of the room, somewhat near the corner. Physics was your last subject and you could not wait but finally leave.
In addition, you texted Eric that you would not be seeing him until after the exams. It was an easy excuse not to see him, saying that you wanted to focus on studying for it; however, you knew that you would just be busy thinking about the creepy stalker gallery you have been receiving.
“Hey.” Unsurprisingly, a familiar voice whispers next to you which disrupts your heavy train of thoughts. “You finished studying for tomorrow? I’m about to end my review with Chemistry later.”
“Cool.” Probably the one of the most basic replies in the universe. “I haven’t finished studying, I’m kind of dealing with a lot of things recently.”
You made sure to generalize your answer, but enough for him to sympathize and at least give you some space.
“Oh, sorry to hear about that.” Peter frowns. He takes his seat a few desks away from your left, leaving you to continue thinking. You were thankful for his gesture too.
Surprisingly enough the boy barely bothered you for the entire lecture. You were still engrossed on finding out whoever was stalking you, even so dating back to boys you evidently rejected during the first semester – who badmouthed you immediately afterwards. There were not a lot of names, so it was easy to remember who was who.
You traced back to each boy and remembered what they said after you told them you were not ready to enter a relationship – a complete lie, you just did not want to deal with college fuck boys.
Just as you expected from any of them, rumors have spread out about you which was mostly shaming you physically or mentally. Some were milder insults than the other yet at the end of the day you did not care.
“Fuck,” you whisper to yourself. “Who was that boy at Liz’s party.”
Your eyes were sealed shut, recalling a list of names while using your thumb and middle finger to massage your temples. It was getting frustrating and mentally exhausting.
After some time, you had so much word filling in and our of your brain that you were not aware that your own name was being called. Your heart practically skipped a beat after hearing it the first time, assuming that you were being called to recite an answer. But you became content after seeing that it was just Peter, who started tapping your arm to get your attention.
“Huh?” You lightly shake your head before turning your head aside.
“Oh, class was dismissed a few minutes earlier than usual–”
“Don’t forget to answer the assignment regarding thermodynamic concepts found it the book. You’ll hand it in immediately on Wednesday.” The professor addresses the class as they were already carrying their bags and themselves out the room.
You start placing your stationeries inside yours, packing your other things up until it was only a pair of earphones and your phone left in front. Peter stood near the aisle while looking at you just as you were zipping your bag shut.
“Oh shoot, I’m so sorry, Y/N,” he states out of nowhere causing you to furrow your eyebrows at him. “I forgot I still haven’t returned your Physics book I borrowed last week.”
Nodding your head and standing up, you shrug it off. “It’s fine. You can return it tomorrow.”
“Sure, but how will you do your Physics assignment?”
Oh yeah. Your professor literally reminded the class a few seconds ago.
“I think I might be able to do it overnight. How many pages is the task?”
“Eight, or nine I think.” He frowns looking very guilty at you.
“Shit,” you swore. That was a lot of pages than the usual assignments given.
“Yeah, professor said it could help add points if you somehow get a bad grade at the tests.”
“Never mind,” you tried to set his mistake aside. “I’ll try to do it within overnight tomorrow. I can ask for help from my friend tomorrow morning and–”
“Wait! I realized you can stop by my apartment to get it.”
“Oh–er, Peter, I don’t think I have time to–
“It’s just nearby the campus, I promise,” he assures and adds, “it wouldn’t be a hassle, it’s probably on your way home anyway so it won’t make a difference.”
“Uhm.” You were doubtful of him.
However, you did realize that you did not have anything to do after class. You were keeping distance with Eric for the meantime which meant that your schedule was mostly vacant after this.
“Please,” he begs, “I feel so bad for keeping it the whole week. I swear it’s like a few blocks from here.”
“Would it take more than twenty minutes?” You purse your lips, convincing yourself that you would rather force yourself to study at home than spend it at someone’s apartment.
“I only take around ten minutes to walk so,” he answers. “Unless you’re a slow walker, of course.” The tone of his voice seeming to be joking.
Again, he pleads. This kid will not fucking budge.
“Fine,” you blurt out. Though, you realized your sudden-almost lash out moment at the boy that you made sure to reiterate it but slower, “I mean, sure. I can stop by your apartment to pick up my book.”
An awaited smile and sense of agreement washes over you.
Peter then leads the way as you walked behind him, maintaining a short distance so people would not throw out any suspicious looks. Like in every college, everyone knows just how fast gossips formulate and rumors spread.
If you think about it though, it might avert anyone’s suspicion – mainly pertaining to your creepy stalker – with you and your Professor. But you were not prepared for that yet, maybe some time when you can finally think about its consequences through.
True to his word, as the both of you exited the campus, it took a short time before the boy in front of you told that you were about to enter through the entrance to the building of his apartment. You were not so sure if it was really a momentary walk or because you were so focused on thinking and keeping a distance.
At some points he did often look back in case you got lost from following him. Plus, like always, he asked you simple questions either about your day or your subjects to make small talk. In which case, you were barely answering him but definitely progressed compared to when he attempted for previous times during class.
In addition, as the two of you walked down the block, the number of faces you could only assume was in college decreased. Meaning that the glares at you eased up.
“Well, here’s my location.” A loud huff follows as he uses a key to unlock the door for the entrance to the building, “It wasn’t that far, was it?”
“Yeah, I guess it wasn’t that far.” You agree as he holds the door for you and then walks right after you.
As Peter leads you upstairs onto around the fourth level, he proceeds to walk along the corridors. The array of same beige colored doors with small golden indents of unit numbers paraded along it too. Eventually he stops and inserts a key into the lock, twisting it until hearing the unlocking sound.
For a moment you hesitated to follow him. You just wanted your book and you were sure he can give it to you on a shorter span than your walk from campus to here. Was it that troublesome?
Entering his complex, you discovered how minimalistic it looked. To be fair it seemed quite small, the living room instantly greeting you through the entrance and a kitchenette at the side. But since his things were tidied up, it looked roomy.
You instinctively close the door behind you, slightly aware that it did not create a locking sound. Following Peter, you took a few more steps until you stood still at the passageway between his living room and entryway.
“Do you want a drink?” Peter asks.
“No thank you.” You were still trying to subtle. “I just want my Physics book, Peter. Please?”
He looked at you and paused for a split second. You could feel the frown behind the expressionless look. “Yeah. Okay. Sure,” he nods for a few times before turning around and proceeding to a seemingly narrow hallway. “I’ll get it in my room. Be back in a second.”
Your feet faintly paced back and forth, still where you stood a few meters between the entrance and living room. After a few more minutes, Peter emerges carrying the familiar book with one hand.
He approaches you within a few stops but stops in his tracks, leaving a distance from you. “Well uh,” he starts as his chin was tucked.
“I just want to tell you something before I hand you back your book.” He looks up at you with really pleading eyes. During other instances in university, you were definitely familiar with that look. However, this one probably ranked as one of the most downhearted ones.
You did not want to feel regretful for him. Though it definitely feels like you just kicked a puppy.
“Was is it?”
“I love you,” he blurts out as his face goes back from hiding and looking down.
It seemed awkward. You were somewhat expecting it, but you were also hoping that this day would not come – or not at least until you graduate and leave the university.
“Oh.” You honestly did not want to react.
Were you going to say sorry? How about thank you? Would it be better if you said you did not like him back? Or will the best response be that you are already taken?
“Peter, I–”
“Are you really dating Eric?” He shots up with eyes appearing almost teary.
What. The. Fuck.
“No,” you mutter. It was not much of an answer to his question. It was more on being quite horrified as your mind started jumping to conclusions.
The amount of things running around your mind right now was immeasurable.
Firstly, anyone could make two and two out of what he said, especially knowing that no one knows it even so around your circle of friends.
Secondly, you should have thought better. Your doubts with Peter should have been grater and you totally underestimated him. However, some part of you prayed that he was just an annoyingly awkward nerd who follows his friends regarding flirting tips.
Lastly, you turned around and ran.
You probably got your way with opening the door and taking two steps out. It was not long before you felt arms wrap around your waist and either side of your arms. You were then lifted and pulled behind while you tried to kick at the air as an escape. Did not work though.
Peter was surprisingly stronger than you thought. He already seemed fairly muscular at class, hiding behind those long sleeved sweaters and flannels.
Eventually the last thing you remember was the image of the door of his apartment open while you get sucked into the room further. Everything went black afterwards.
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
When you felt that you were slowly restoring to consciousness, you were aware of the pounding at the back of your head and your arms.
You tried to move your hands, wanting to press against the parts of your body that were aching. But you felt incapacitated as your wriggled your wrists around and felt an unfamiliar sticky fluid enveloping around them.
“Glad you’re awake,” a voice says. “Does your head hurt?”
You tried to open your eyes, the dark lighting of the room not cooperating with your vision. A light from the window and a lamp were the only things that helped you form something out of the void.
From there you saw Peter Parker sitting closely beside you at the edge of the bed.
Hell please let this be a nightmare.
“What–” You groan, “What do you want from me.”
Your mind was building up your anger yet your body says otherwise. You felt exhausted and heavy.
Peter shushed you in a caring manner, “We’ll talk when you feel better. I’ll let you get more rest okay, sweetie?”
“Uhh.”
That was what you could remember the most. If you have awoken for other times in between your sleep, then you surely did not have an idea of it.
When you finally woke up, the level of your grogginess felt little to none already. You looked around and saw that the room was still dark and seemingly still nighttime.
As your head was twisting from side to side, you saw Peter appear from the doorway carrying a translucent cup filled with water in one hand. “Hey, you’re finally awake.”
Instead of replying to him, your wrists writhe beneath the fluid that you are still not familiar of. You could not really look up to get a good view of what it was, but it was wet, sticky, and felt like super glue.
On the other hand, both your legs, ankles, and feet were free. The back of your thighs bounced against the bed as you struggled, but it would not do much since your arms were practically stuck.
“Fuck,” you grumble.
“That won’t help. You’re pretty much stuck there,” he says, Then he takes a seat at the edge of the bed, alike where you remembered him positioned from earlier, “Might as well talk to me until I let you go.”
“Okay then, when will you let me go?” Your voice was calm hoping you could talk your way out of this mess.
“If you behave for me like a good girl, okay?”
Shivers went up your spine as you cringed at his statement.
Immediately, your mood shifts from calm to furious after hearing his disturbing bargain. Then purposely rolling your eyes for him to see. “How the hell will I behave if you’re a creepy stalker! You disgust me!”
Peter hums, displaying a look wherein he seems like he was thinking. You were not sure if it was sarcastic or not, either way it annoyed the hell out of you. “Creepy stalker sounds overstated, it was more on being curious.”
You scoff as well as exclaim, “You sent me photographs of me and Eric at his house! Fucking hell, Peter.”
“Oh yeah that part.” He slyly pouts his lips to the side as he comes to realize what he had done, “I guess it was a bit creepy–”
“What do you mean a bit? That was invasion of privacy!”
Despite being trapped, both your hands balled into a fist, feeling very furious at his dense answers. “I was living my own life! I kept my relationships to myself,” you cry out.
“Yes, but you weren’t completely living your life,” he whispers while gently combing his hair through the front of your hair. “You deserve much more than someone who couldn’t proudly tell that you’re his girl. Is he even a man? Do you really enjoy that kind of life, sweetie?”
“We were happy,” you weep. The evident crack on your voice was a signal that you were about to cry though you were not sure if it was because you were held hostage or because you were worried for Eric.
No one would understand your situation with him right now. Especially Peter.
“Trust me you weren’t,” he scoffs. “You deserve so much more, and I can give you that.”
“I’d rather be alone forever than be with you, asshole!” Your voice was inconsistent, clearly affected by how fast Peter’s mood also shifts quickly.
You also figured you were not looking entirely fresh while crumbling beneath him. Drops of tears and sweat were all over your face and neck, both your eyelids felt swollen, and your nose was almost stuffed.
Peter stand from the edge of the bed and advances to his desk from the side. A harsh bang echoed throughout the room as your body twitched out of shock.
“What does that dick have that I don’t?!” He grits his teeth as the curves of his jaw intensifies. A displeased look was written all over his face.
“P-please let me go.”
“I need you to answer, sweetie. We going nowhere unless you answer!” He was never going to let you go if you were not going to cooperate.
Every step he takes closer back to the bed just increases your heart beat further. He had rolled the sleeves of his sweater up to the edge of his elbows and you felt threatened looking at how firm his arms looked.
“Peter, p-please,” you hiccup.
As Peter returns to the edge of the bed, he does not hesitate anymore to keep a distance. His hands hover to either sides over your body and sets the left side of his head on your midriff, laying while also getting a good view of your vulnerable state.
He does not even look life he was struggling to make an effort to keep you down, but you could feel how heavy he was and was barely giving you a chance to move around.
“I can give you so much more, Y/N.” The way his gaze directs at you was definitely one of the creepiest things you have experienced. He had so much emotions yet completely lacked sympathy for your state of mind.
Shutting your eyes, you only cried further. You felt a hand cup one of your cheeks as its thumb wipes away the pouring tears. Like a broken record, you only pleaded more, “Please let me go.”
“I can’t.”
“Why.” You bawled, realizing he has no plans of releasing you anytime soon despite it. “I won’t tell anyone about this, I p-promise.”
“I know that,” he says, “but you’re going to run back to Eric, probably tell him too, right?”
You did not want to answer, merely shaking your head as you resisted a cry from your lips. It was somewhat what you had planned, but now you were just scared shitless.
“You won’t tell anyone but him cause no one knows about it other than you two, right?” He corners your words.
“Eric would lose his job if someone, especially your parents find out, right?” Hell he was correct. He most likely had been stalking you for so long to find out about it.
“You love him so much, you wouldn’t want to hinde
It was terrifying that someone had been learning about you and your life for a while without your awareness.
“Please stop. What do you want... money?” you whimper.
Peter did not seem likes normal college boy; he does not think like one, too, for sure. Anyone with a right mind would not do something like what he did. No one would have the guts to do so.
“I just want you, Y/N. I want to give you what you deserve,” Peter answers as he sits up and leans his face closer to yours. His mouth leaves a small gap from your right ear as he whispers, “Let me make you feel good.”
“No–”
He cuts off your plea with a proposition, “If you let me, I might consider letting you free.”
“You want that, right? Want me to let you go...” His hand combs through the other side of your face, “just let me show you that I can do way better than him.”
Every ounce of your blood was trying not to give in. You were smart, you ought to find a way out of this. However, you realized that it will not be enough. You already struggled so much from the super glue around your wrists and you could not imagine how much more would it take now that Peter was on top of you.
Eventually you stopped struggling and let him be. There was no way out of this than to let him do what he pleases.
You feel his lips press against your ear first and then progresses over your cheek. His grip around your arms loosen after detecting that you stopped struggling beneath him. You could feel him smile on your skin, “That’s it, relax for me. Good girl.”
His hand reaches to undo your pants as his lips drifted on yours to force their way on making out with you. Another hand then presses under your jaw and throat. “P-Peter,” you choke, feeling lightheaded after being unable to breath properly though your mouth until the grip had loosen.
“Sorry, babe.”
He soon descends from your face to your neck and collar region. You were so sure he was leaving marks on you as you felt him suck and nibble against your skin. Like a controlling asshole he was, you expect to see bruises on your skin by tomorrow.
Despite having your hands fastened, he still moves your shirt upwards past your head. It halts and hands loosely around your arms as you emerge topless beneath the boy.
“Fucking beautiful,” Peter compliments your body under his breath.
Although he seemed to have time on his hands, he does not leave a second wasted. He also goes to haul your pants past your legs and ankles. The growing look of impatience on his face says it all.
Peter moves from your side and welcomes himself between your legs. He spreads them out to have enough space for his body and you could not feel more embarrassed than this.
You grit your teeth over each other as you felt him press fingers against your cunt. Instinctively, you clench around nothing as he continues to play with your entrance, making sure you get entirely soaked under his touch.
“You know you shouldn’t hold back. I know you’re loving it so far, your body says otherwise,” he teases before laying on his stomach and moving his head closer to your pussy.
Without a warning, he licks a strip of you making the back of your thighs quake lightly. Peter senses your reaction and continues to do so, using his tongue to play around and poke inside of you until you were slowly giving in without even realizing it.
Just as you thought you were getting used to his actions, he then inserts fingers inside you, feeling your warmth around it as he pushes it in and out.
“Oh,” you moan.
He continues, making sure he also does not leave your bud of nerves behind. The tip of his fingers and tongue alternate on playing against it, making you throw back your head out of pleasure.
“I bet he doesn’t please you like this,” he scoffs.
Eventually, at your vulnerable state, you could already feel yourself closing to an orgasm. Your toes curled as your temples throbbed, sealing your eyes shut as you accepted on giving in.
You bit onto your lower lip, trying to resist a moan. Somewhere inside you, you were still trying to fight back and not let Peter have the satisfaction he had been craving.
“You’re being so tight... Just let it out.” He coaxes and you hate how you did what he told you so.
The extensive grin on his face seemed priceless. He pulled back and you were aware that you seemed exhausted beneath him. You assumed he was done with whatever he wanted to do with you.
But when he started to take off his sweater and unbutton his pants, you realized it was far from over.
As he presents himself just as naked in front of you, he again welcomes himself between your legs. This time you get a better view of him and his muscles and abs. He gets a good view of your body too for sure as his hand reaches to start stroking his dick.
He places one hand on your thigh and pushes it farther to give him more room. Finally, he inserts in inside you and you automatically felt him throbbing between.
There was a growing heat between the both of you, and it only intensified as Peter started to thrust his hips forward and backwards. There was not even a rhythm from him as he moves harder after hearing you softly moan underneath.
The slapping sound echoes through the room that would eventually reek of sex and you felt ashamed that your body was enjoying all of this.
“Ah… ah… ahh… agh….”
“You’re starting to enjoy this, aren’t you?” He brags as one hand was reaching for your breasts while the other holds your thigh up. “Fucking slut.”
Your body and mind were tired and could only hold so much longer. It was not a surprise when your stomach started to churn your the muscles in your thighs were cramping up.
Peter did no help after seeing you starting to wear out. He tried leaning in to make out with you and expect to moan into his mouth. You did for a moment, a combination of both your drools were streaming down from the corner of your mouth.
“We’re making a mess, huh,” he mumbles. “But I know you’re already a dirty fucking girl.”
He proceeds to deprave you with statements, “Can’t believe you’re enjoying my cock better than that old man’s... Such a fucking whore.”
You twist your head aside, trying to hide the fact that you feel like your temperature were burning up. You were so sure he could feel the increasing warmth of your walls either way.
Your eyes were rolling back as you resist arching your back, which was not really a success as the amount of pleasure was overwhelming.
As you writhe beneath him, you felt a hand on your cheek. It pushes your head back onto looking at front and at Peter. “I want you t look at me when you’re going to cum, sweetie,” he orders and you could not do much anyways.
The second time you came was a whole other level. You never felt this with any person you slept with so far, rather not this fast and intense to say. “That’s it, fuck, you’re tighter than I could ever imagine.”
Peter continues until it was his time to cum. The bed continues to move along with his pace and your body was basically abused to his liking.
And even if you were not aware of it, the boy was practically thankful that his agency decided to agree to soundproofing his whole apartment – his motive being for personal reasons, which they did not question any time soon.
You were helpless, you knew that. All you had in mind now was rest. Your eyelids were heavy and your mind was drifting to slumber.
The last thing you remember was Peter moving over your body to come all around your chest like a painter with its paint brush creating a masterpiece from your chest to your core.
“I love you.”
a/n: ily pls leave comments <3
#dark!peter parker#dark!peter parker imagine#dark!peter parker smut#dark!peter parker x reader#dark!peter#dark!peter x reader#dark peter parker#dark peter parker x reader#dark peter parker imagine#dark peter parker smut#peter parker imagine#peter parker smut#peter parker x reader#dark!verse#tom holland imagine#tom holland smut#tom holland x reader#spiderman imagine#spiderman smut#spiderman x reader
1K notes
·
View notes
Note
Not the anon you just got, (note i didnt fully read ur post cause a the trigger warnings but i skimmed it a bit and i jsut)(also warning: talk abiut endeavor and vaguely what he did) there are people. Who compare. The abused kid to endeavor. They compare bakugou to endeavor. Liek, i personally dont like bakugou, hes just not my cup of tea, but hes not at fucking ALL like endeavor. Hes a kid whos been abused and is being abused and is hurt and is reacting in the onyl way he knows how and oeople take that and go "ah yes just like the man who willingly decide to horribly traumatize all of his kids through either physical abuse or neglect and refuses to grasp exactly why that was wrong and not okay" ????? Im skrry but WHAT THE FUCK???? Im just. Im appalled. (Also idk if u mentioned it in ur post but the amount of people who praise bakugous mother and claim shes great is fucking bone-chilling and honestly makes me feel sick sometimes)
tws: abuse, detailed (ish?) mentions of endeavors abuse
LITERALLY like bakugou and endeavor are not comparable at fucking all because bakugou is a 16 year old boy who has been repeatedly traumatized and copies his mother's terrible actions because that is something abused children do, whereas endeavor is a grown ass man who married a women for her quirk, abused her to the point where she couldnt even look at her own child without feeling fear because he looked like his father and then she was admitted to a hospital for breaking down due to his abuse, who nearly murdered one of his fucking children and drove him to being a villain, who overworked his child to the point of vomiting and barely being able to stand when he was like 5 fucking years old, who ignored his two other children because they didnt have "useful" quirks and so much fucking more.
endeavors whole "redemption" arc is bullshit too because he just suddenly decided he wanted to do better and people are fucking accepting it...? but then they wont accept the fact that bakugou is having more gradual progression and though he's working on himself, he still has his set backs because this is a life full of shit he's trying to fix and come to terms with.
like. bakugou was a fucking shitbag and he still is from time to time and its so valid for people to not fucking like him for that, but he's also a fucking teenager mimicking the actions of their abuser. comparing a trauma victim having trauma responses and acting like the person who has traumatized them (and in bakugous case, probably still is from time to time) to a whole ass like 40+ year old man who abused his entire family for power and so he could be better than a man who didnt even give a fuck about rankings, rather than actually care about the people who he is supposed to be saving as a fucking hero is disgusting, genuinely. on top of that, bakugou actually gives a fuck about being a hero, arguably more than anyone else in this series with the exception of like fucking deku and this fact is reinforced constantly.
bakugou and endeavor are meant to parallel each other but they are entirely different stories because of their background, why they did what they did and what they are doing to fix that. endeavor is supposed to be what bakugou could be if he doesnt become better, but that doesnt change the fact that endeavor is a far worse than bakugou because what he did was born from pure selfishness whereas bakugous actions were to fucking cope and deal with things the literal only way he knew how to.
anyways this is an endeavor hate account first and a bakugou kinnie account second :) /hj
(also yeah mitsuki enjoyers genuinely make me so uncomfortable and i avoid them as much as possible. i have enough people invalidating my abuse irl, i dont need to see people do it to one of my favorite characters who's mother acts exactly like fucking mine)
#shit self#asks#endeavor#anti endeavor#bakugou katsuki#anti mitsuki#boku no hero academia#kinz#bakugou mitsuki#discourse#bangerz
36 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok. so. the number one anti anders argument i hear from da2 is “i hate the way he treats fenris and merrill” and from a human / elf standpoint, thats completely valid.
however, when it comes to him and fenris in their banter, and how they trigger each other, it is a very different situation.
putting behind cut bc it gets lengthy, and mentions of abuse, slavery, gaslighting, ptsd
they are both escaped survivors of abuse and slavery, both on the run, on different “sides”, both trying to convince each other that they are right and the other side is wrong. and their side has had it worse. i dont know if this is a common thing, but i know for myself, i have been there. i’ve had “friends” that have constantly invalidated me and almost asked me to “prove” that my abuse was real, constantly gaslighting me to the point where I got angry and turning on them.
fenris and anders alone are not bad people. they are both fighting by hawkes side for 7 years in kirkwall, trying to help in this shithole town because people are suffering. the poor are suffering, anders runs a free clinic to heal the poor people, and fenris is always willing to go after the (endless) number of slavers trying to take people away to work them to death. they just simply do not get along in certain situations.
if you take them together during a quest where youre forced to make a decision templars or mages, they will both have their opinions, and talk about it to hawke, and bicker at each other. which, given their nature as people, and their background, is so normal. yes you will win or lose approval as hawke, but as far as their banter, you cannot intervene. which, does kind of suck, but you know what? hawke is not their parent. fenris and anders are grown ass men. they can fight each other, and they still work together. neither one of them threatens to leave hawke, neither one of them *actually* fights each other. they dont try to kill each other. they just fight with words. (which yes, as someone whose suffered emotional abuse, i know how much words hurt). but both of them say exactly what is on their mind. they dont let anything fester.
both of them take things too far. anders says god awful racist things. fenris says anders former lover deserved to die. (not to say that they are the same at all, just that these are the worst things that come to mind). as i said, they are both victims of abuse, they both suffer ptsd. not excuses.(i dont think kirkwall really knows about ptsd) they are caught up in the moment. they are triggered by what is happening with hawke, with the other, what is being said and done, and they feel like they’ve lost control in that moment. plus, neither one gives a royal shit about each other. anders, to fenris is just another mage. fenris, to anders is a templar apologist. all they have in common is hawke and a common goal to help kirkwall.
i’ve seen some pretty nasty fenris hate, but a lot of anders hate comes down to old fashioned ableism. he “whines” too much. he talks too much about his trauma. talk about a privileged position. i guess if youve never been traumatized, it would be “annoying”. or maybe you have, or you had a good support system. you had a good therapist or friends / family. lots of people have not. anders had nobody, except maybe karl, who was immediately killed. anders had the warden, who we don’t really know where they are. and justice. who we know is a part of anders, but they dont really ‘talk’, they more feel each other.
fenris is open and honest about his trauma, and is pretty good with it. (i think). he sits down and has a conversation about it over a bottle of wine. anders talks about it here and there. he is open about it, but hes full of anger, rightfully so. hes not angry at hawke, in fact hes very appreciative for hawke. and if youre blue/purple he shows affection and appreciation for it. (both anders and fenris get hostile at a hawke that is rivaling them, thankfully).
point is, survivors are allowed to be angry. survivors are allowed to talk about their trauma. hawke is their friend, other companions are their friend too. if other companions can randomly talk about their lives, their sex lives and random shit, it should be assumed that heavy topics are okay.
at any rate, yes, as a human, anders is an asshole. (not for the chantry explosion, that was completely necessary) but, his trauma is completely valid. and im sick and fucking tired of that being erased. people in this fandom have sympathy for cullen??? but not anders??? cullen made a CHOICE to be a templar. anders did no such thing.
people always want fenris and anders to be friends, but honestly, within da2, i dont see that happening. maybe, years after. not necessarily when the mage vs templar shit is over, because that never really ends, but when they get some time alone, to think things over. to REALLY get to heal. to get some self love, reflection, everything they need. then they can meet on equal ground.
forewarning - this is not an invite for anti anders people to chime in with their hatred of him. i love anders. i understand him in ways i cant quite write yet.
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok i need to rant for a bit (read at your own risk)
also tw for body image issues
for a bit of background, i do ballet, and im pretty damn serious about it. as in its the centre of my life and i plan to make a career of it.
well my mom is rly supportive about this, but sometimes she gets to be a bit too much. as in extremely insensitive about how her « helping me » makes me feel. the subject of obsession tends to be something important, or some milestone, such as a performance, competition, or audition. in this case it’s two audition videos: one for a prestigious international competition (which could change my life if i got in), and the other video is an audition video for my dream school (and again, life changing if i get in).
These two videos are EXTREMELY important, and we wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, but the focus on perfectionism is where the problem lies. i’ve gotten better about not dragging myself down over every single detail, but my mom on the hand has not. she doesn’t obsess over my dancing (i do that enough already) but over details like lighting, camera angle, the line my leotard makes, my shoe color, my bun angle, the amount of makeup, the video quality, etc. she has a really good eye for those sort of things since she used to be an artist (and majored in fine art), and if she was the one filming my videos there would be no problem there.
But evidently there is a problem (which is why i’m writing this all out cause istg if i don’t i WILL lose it). Actually there’s two, one per video, though the second problem has nothing much to do with everything mentioned before.
The first issue is something that’s been haunting me for two weeks, and not in the good halloween haunting way. The video for the competition was filmed over the course of a few weeks by one of my teachers, and she and my mom have an *interesting* relationship. as in ive learned to brush off my mom cussing her out in car rides or at home (which happened today twice lol). My teacher wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the studio to help with lighting, camera angle, etc., saying that the studio wouldn’t allow more than two people in at a time (a lie, cause when we went with my contemporary teacher for one section of the video my mom was able to go in and film that portion). My teacher is a really well intention person by the way, but since my mom is so similar to how her mom was, being in her prescence triggers her which i think may be why she tried to make it so she wouldn’t have to interact with her as much.
So anyways my teacher and i worked on the audition video and we finally completed it, but the way she filmed it was not up to my moms standards. so we filmed it again. and right now it’s STILL not up to my mom’s standards, but at this point there’s literally nothing we can do. the deadline is in a few days and there’s no way we can refilm it then. in terms of my dancing, i feel pretty satisfied, though it’s not perfect, but i feel ok sending it in. but for thé past few weeks i’ve been constantly hearing how the video isn’t good enough, and how it doesn’t present me well enough, and if my mom could just have filmed the barre and centre i would look so much better. and that if i really want to catch the judges eyes then the video quality would need to be better. and i argue back at that point, saying my dancing should be enough to do that, and that i’m not auditoning for a film school but for a DANCE competition. and i know my mom has a point. we are drawn to things well presented, even if the content may not be the best. but after hearing that my video is not up to par for WEEKS it hurts a lot. and if i ask her to stop focusing so much on that because at this point all that is doing is making us feel unsatisfied with something unchangable, i’m ignored and she goes on saying i don’t understand her point. I’m also told that she’s saying all this because she cares so much and wants me to succeed. and that is all true, but i don’t CARE that she’s saying all this because she wants to help me with my goal. there are so many more productive things to do than fixating on unchangable shit, and there’s a voice inside telling me that if she really cared about me, the real actual me and not the dancer side of me, she would take a moment to understand how much certain things she says hurts. no matter the intentions behind, no matter that she always adds that my dancing wasn’t the problem and that it was all my teachers fault (which also pokes me in a different way), i ALWAYS leave that conversation with an extremely tight knot in my chest and a bunch of self doubt. sometimes when the convo evolves into an argument, my mom tells me that it’s cause she’s stressed about this and the video and because she cares so much, but i’ve reached the point where i don’t give a fuck. i’m stressed too, and i care a TON. i sacrificed so fucking much for this (not to say she hasn’t like good lord i worry so much about her sometimes) but being stressed and caring about something does not excuse harping on about something someone has EXPLICITLY told you to please stop going on a bout and try to let go of. multiple times. which is why i really want to scream sometimes, and why i decided to just let it out here. (it’s worked by the way. as of right now the knot inside has loosened and the negative energy about this problem has almost dissolved, which why i’m now moving on to the second issue)
ISSUE NO. 2- thé audition video for my dream school. now this is a different direction than the other video problem because this video hasn’t been filmed yet. so i should start out with saying that as a by product of doing ballet, i have body image issues. it got worse over the course of the past year because i put on a few pounds. and i know that honestly, i shouldn’t worry too much, but doing an art form where your body is constantly critiques in so many ways kinda has a way of making you always wish it was better. now my mom knows about how i feel about my body, and in the past she has completely invalidated my feelings if i try to talk about it (because in her eyes i’m perfect yaddayaddayadda and i’m just manifesting these insecurities out of nowhere cause i have nothing to be worried about). the thing is tho (and i’m pretty thankful for this) is that she will tell me if i’ve gained weight, and she will help me if i want to lose some and stuff. so it’s like she has this weird mix of telling me to not worry about my weight cause i’m perfectly fine, but also telling me that i need to watch what i eat more and that i need to lose a little weight. and i hate it so much. recently i just stopped weighing myself every morning cause i realized i was literally basing how i felt the whole day off the number on the scale. and honestly i’m so much happier now cause i stopped. everything is the same except that one thing, and i have no intention to start obsessively weighing myself again.
And that brings me to issue two. because we were talking about the video for the school, and my mom said “you need to start weighing yourself every morning again”. well i saw every single color of the rainbow when she said that, and i was enraged. because my instinct was to be angry in order to protect one of my biggest insecurities, my body. the implications that came from telling me i needed to start weighing myself more HURT, and thinking about it right now is making me almost cry. and her saying that also pissed me off SO MUCH. because my mom KNOWS how i feel about my body, about my weight, and my eating habits. i have explicitly stated MANY time that i would prefer if she would not make those little comments about those subjects, and i have let her know how much it hurts me. i don’t think she understood that though, despite the amount of times i’ve completely shut down or started crying. but that one comment is hanging over my head right now, acting as a smoke cloud twisting around my heart and making me have some rlly self deprecating thoughts. and so tomorrow morning if she asks me what my weight is i don’t know what i’ll do. i’m considering just saying something above what ik she wants it to be, no matter what i may actually be, but i’ve also considered just tossing the scale in the rubbish bin. actually won’t do that though cause i would get in a ton of trouble lol. but a problem is that as a result of her comment, i’ve also begun considering starving myself, of making myself throw up, and other unhealthy ways to lose weight because right now, i feel like my body is too fat filled, too squishy for ballet. which is bullshit but the negative voice is drowning the positive one out now.
ok i have gotten all the rant energy out now, and no longer feel like punching a wall, cry screaming, cussing out the next person i see, or any assortment of high negative energy release techniques that would hurt others or myself. if you read this far, props to you cause i sure as hell would not have been able to make it thru that 😂.
also i should add that my mom and i are SUPER close and she honestly a great person in every aspect except certain dance related stuff. i really really appreciate everything she has done for me, all her sacrifices and all the effort she has put in to make sure i am where i am now. it’s just sometimes i feel like she forgets that i’m a person with feelings about topics, not just a dancer. thank you for coming to my tedtalk 😌
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
im just gonna vent here for a second cuz i feel upset.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR:
-mentions of threatened sexual assault
- brief mention of an E.D.
-mention of yaoi/BL (i want to make it clear that i dont support it at all. its gross and fetishizes mlm relationships, but it plays a part in the context of an anecdote)
if i see one more post along the lines of "mY 5'10 aSs wHeN a 5'7-8 giRl cOmPlaiNs aBoUt bEinG tALL" im gonna scream.
im now 5'8", but ive ALWAYS been taller than most girls and a large amount of boys my age. ive been bullied about my height since i was in elementary school, and im so tired of seeing people post shit invalidating my experiences.
ive had people at multiple schools ive attended start rumors that im amab as an insult (which honestly is a weak ass way to insult me since trans women/femmes are absolutely fucking gorgeous and wonderful💞❤). but still, that shit eats away at you over time. im currently very confused about my gender identity, and i partially attribute that to consistently being told that i wasnt perceived as feminine enough by my peers because of my height.
its not just the assholery of people telling me that im masculine because of my height, its also people literally threatening to sexually assault me so they could figure out "whats in my pants" by "copping a feel". like fuck you. im really lucky that none of the people who said that shit actually touched me but it really hurt anyway because i thought those were people i could trust.
ive had people who i barely talk to walk up to me and ask if its hard for me to find a guy to date because im tall.
ive had friends point me out to boys who are 6'0+ and say "what about them? would you date someone their height?" only for the boy to come up with some lame excuses which ultimately circle back around to "no".
ive been told that i was dressed "inappropriately" at school for wearing fucking children's exercise shorts that on anyone else, wouldve been a normal length, but on me LOOKED short because my legs are so long. like they passed the stupid finger/arm length test and everything, but i was still picked on in front of my entire class for "not following the rules". maybe i wouldnt have been quite as hurt by it if girls shorter than me werent constantly getting away with wearing short-shorts that CLEARLY broke dress-code (dress-code is dumb and in all honesty, good for those girls for getting away with it, but it still hurt that i was kinda forced to wear knee length basketball shorts or pants in the summer just so i wouldn't get in trouble at school).
ive been given the male parts in dances rather than being part of "the hip lift" that my other girl classmates got to be apart of. and its not even because they didnt have enough boys to do the lift OR because i was too heavy (i was recovering from an ED at the time and was still unhealthily underweight). it was literally just because of my height.
i used to have an ex-friend that was shorter than me who i would cosplay with. im really happy that im out of that friendship for several reasons, but the only important one for the context of this story is that she likes yaoi. so whenever she wanted us to cosplay as a ship of hers, she'd always, without doubt, make me the "seme". listen, i get wanting our cosplays to be accurate to the characters height difference wise but we werent even that far apart in height?? like, she was 5'6 and i was like borderline 5'8 at the time (ive grown since then). and when we DID cosplay characters that were similar/the same height, she would insist that i wear flats instead of mary-janes because the later would make me look too tall. all of this shit probably wouldnt bother me as much now if she hadn't been such a shit friend, but she would also talk about how she always thought that xyz about her made her seem "sleazy" which was her code-word for masculine. the issue was, one of these things was her height. and i was OBVIOUSLY taller than her and she OBVIOUSLY acknowledged it so :) yeah.
there are DOZENS more examples i could give about how ive been treated like shit because of my height, but im tired so ill save those for another day.
in conclusion, i get to refer to myself as "tall". ive suffered enough because of it, i think i earned the title, thanks.
i want to make it clear that i understand that being a 6'0+ woman/feminine aligned person probably has more shitty repercussions than being 5'8 and im sorry for that. like, i have a hard enough time shopping for clothes so i can only imagine the shit y'all must go through :(
BUT IF I SEE ANOTHER 5'10 PERSON SAY THAT 5'7/5'8 ISNT TALL I SWEAR BRUH. LIKE YOURE 2 INCHES TALLER THAN ME. IF IM NOT CONSIDERED TALL, YOU ARENT EITHER :D
#tall girls#vent post#5'7#5'8#5'10#6'1#tw ed mention#tw assault#im sorry if this seems annoying i just dont have anywhere else to complain about it :(
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
Is there any stereotypes about signs that you don't particularly believe in? Like, my dominant sign is sagittarius but everytime someone mentions anything about the sign, I don't think it describes my personality or anything. Love your blog and posts by the way!
Yeah!! 💓 Gosh I get what you mean. I’m glad you asked cause there’s– alot we don’t get to talk about?? And also thank u for liking the blog/posts ;; 💓 💓
Here’s a list of things about the signs that might cheer them up a bit (low-key: how to care/appreciate the signs around you):
*Note: These are for when you need a little cheering up, some people might already be confident/assured in their own signs and that’s great!! But if you want to know how to help/care for other signs around you, this might be helpful for those who might need a little bit more ‘pick me up’ 💕
Aries -
Are very laid back, contrary to the belief (i.e. ppl thinking that they’re hard to get along with/hard to please). Most Aries don’t think they’re the shit.
Unless they have something they’ve worked super hard on (and see it as something they can help others with) they won’t bother with pointing out something you can’t change/they can’t change– but will try to help you as much as they can (like, trouble-shooting, planning it out, suggesting things you can do to help yourself depending on what you want/feel comfortable with doing).
They try very very hard to be there for others, even when their efforts aren’t appreciated enough sometimes. People think fire signs are energetic and crass with people’s feelings — they’re not, they do care.
Taurus -
Most of the time despite being Venus-ruled they might not even think they’re particularly beautiful or charming. What they do know is that they gotta do the things they can do, the things they want/have to do and that’s what they’re focused on.
They can get high-key sus about compliments, and unless you truly mean something (and they can see where you’re coming from) it’ll be hard-press to make the compliment stick/up their ego because of it.
Funny people, but wants to be heard/given acknowledgement. Doesn’t want to be complimented on just ‘one-side’ of their personality (usually their more ‘harmonious’ side) but wants to be loved for all their sides (even if they haven’t shown it yet).
Gemini -
They aren’t air heads. They really aren’t. They can joke around about it with friends like ‘opps!’ just to make fun of themselves but internally they don’t work like that. They contemplate a lot, and works through problems alone.
Even if some may talk about their problems to another person, they come to conclusions within themselves and that needs to be respected. Not questioned by others (like ‘why are you so wishy washy? you said this to me and now you’re doing another??’) – despite being a Mercurial sign, they often understand the situation better (internally) than how they’re communicating it (out-loud). Thus, when they make up their mind about something— trust them that they can do it.
They also aren’t ‘two-faced’ or whatever people call it. They have an internal process that suffers if they don’t know how to work with it healthily/balance it well (internal/external). But ‘two-faced’ was never a part of their personality.
Cancer -
Whoever says they’re crybabies have never met a Cancer in public. And whoever said ‘Cancers are Mothers’ never had a mum who’s a Cancer in the first place.
Cancer can be strength through sufferings, they’re vulnerable and hard. Cancers aren’t your mothers, within their own self they have their own problems to shift through (thus why, being a Cancer doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be great mothers– they have to go through the same trials/experience as everyone else– and sometimes, because they’re so stubborn, it might even be the most challenging thing to a Cancer native)
You’d think they’ll be emotional since they’re a water sign but they’re not (**at least not constantly) Some Cancers are less emotional than fire-signs. Respect that, respect their strength and charisma. Don’t ‘type’ them into a box and tell them what they want/don’t want in their life– let them make those choices themselves.
Leo -
Aren’t ‘natural’ leaders, most don’t even volunteer for leadership positions until they’re filled with personal pettiness/dissatisfaction about something they have to make the changes (like use a platform to vent out their rage about it).
Again, some aren’t even extroverted. But they do what they gotta do and people think ‘oh they must enjoy this!!’ and keep piling them up on something when they’d rather be asked – who they are, what they want, what they like/dislike and be listened to instead of assumed about.
Taking care of a Leo isn’t just about listening to them, it’s about letting them have their own space. Letting them rest, be alone, play some games. It’s having security of their own time/what they want to be doing with said time that makes them truly Leo.
Virgos -
They’re not very good at telling people they care ‘no’, which is why they’re so so careful to say all their ‘nos’ to others (they aren’t close to yet) beforehand.
The thing about Virgos being clean-freak? Only applicable to a handful of people (and only within certain contexts only). Cleaning is still a chore. Especially if they have mental/emotional depression to go through and they know they’re procrastinating those (in which case, it becomes an escape mechanism instead). Don’t use them as your maids, and don’t rely on them to be available to solving your problems/being in your service 24 hours either. Because if they care about you, they’re going to have a hard time saying no even if it’s really really pushing their limits already.
Virgos have a lot of internal emotional distress to go through as well, and if they don’t process those they’re going to be in bad shape later. Think they’re un-emotional/super smart? Think again. They struggle daily with their internal emotions and working hard enough to pass their own expectations of themselves. Do people even know how hard it is to be in emotional distress at a drop of a pin sometimes? Waking up in cold sweat/not being able to sleep because you remembered something embarrassing 10 years ago?
Libra -
Not all Libras are romantically inclined. In fact, why do we think people are romantically inclined at all?
Native Libras don’t have to say yes to those who asks them out. It’s not going to be like ‘ohhh!! I’m going make this the perfect relationship!!’. No! who even has that kind of energy?! (especially when you have to consider the other person pulling their part, can they do it? will they even do it?)
Even if they’re interested, there’s a bigger narrative to think about and Libras aren’t fools to that. All those things about Libra being the watery-air sign? Maybe we should consider that Libras are also much more analytical than we realize sometime in 2k19 as well. (And give them their independence credit they deserve ffs, they manage to swerve this many suitors for how long?)
Scorpio -
Isn’t anyone’s sexual demon. They aren’t there for other’s fantasy of ‘an active sex life’. Scorpio’s are so much more than their sexual parts and maybe um?? they’re their own person??
The thing about Scorpio being mysterious is gonna be used against them one day to sexualize/objectify them to other people’s benefit. Why don’t you get to know one? Why don’t we ask what the hell they’re thinking sometimes? (and trust, a Scorpio would probably appreciate being asked/called out for it and being able to tell/talk to someone rather than –y know, being misunderstood all the time. If the confrontation is genuine and the other really do want to get to know the Scorpio’s side of the story/not going to cut them down half-way through just to invalidate them.)
Scorpio’s not the one who has a problem, it’s others who has a problem with them. Do we just not trust the Scorpios?? Why the hell not?? Literally one of the most (if not the most) loyal, forth-coming and devoted signs out there. Why do we have a problem with people who can be genuinely good for us?
Sagittarius -
NOT ALL SAGITTARIUS ARE BUBBLY AND EXTROVERTED. Let’s just make that clear. Especially in the native signs, you think these bitches trust their inner-selves to others so easily??
Being friends with one DEFINITELY implies being able to take their snark/sass/sense of humor. It’s literally their main form of communication and the only criteria so far (before they ask about your political alignment, and unless they have other elements that points to different things). Do ya’ll think Sagittarius are just– infinite energy and ~adventure~ all the time??
They need to rest. Which is something most people talk about. They gotta hermit themselves– sometimes even become reclusive for a while to just do their own thing (maybe outside, maybe inside– just not with people they know around them). No Sag is going to have 100% energy to be with friends all the time, not unless they got some pretty strong fire/air in them that points to that ish (while the sag side ‘recovers’).
Capricorn -
Stop it with the ‘ohh they’re so ambitious’ talk all the time. They have no fucking clue what they’re doing. Most of the time, they’re just doing Their Best in order to get something out of the situation ya no.
Honestly one of those people who Does Their Best but don’t know what the fuck they’re supposed to do after. They get anxious pretty fast pretty often sometimes and they’re like those ‘:) im ok’ when internally they’re just dying in pit of ice-cold flames.
Humour is their biggest joy/connector to people impersonally. And did you know that– Capricorn likes to be adorable/be adored for some reason?? (no it’s not just about admiration, it’s also about adoration) All those things you think Gemini/Sagittarius would be— it’s actually just Capricorn trait in disguise (until you get to know them).
Aquarius -
Not so detached as you THINK they are. Honestly they’re one of the most caring people who would push for you when you can’t push for yourself??Literally angels on this earth, because even when they’re going through some seriously tough shit/personal injustice they work through it and recover like it’s nothing. (It’s not, but to others– wow, it’s so admirable)
The amount of things they do for other people– Virgo/Pisces has nothing on Aquarius in terms of caring/actually making it happen. Do you not think your local Aquarius is fond of praise/adoration? Because they are. They like being shown that they’re appreciated too– so please don’t think they can survive on their own without an ounce of love from others.
Think they’re going to leave you high and dry because they’re so “different” (what the hell is “different” anyways– Aquarius don’t even think it’s anything amazingly special it’s just a trait/thing they want to explore/work on) ? They won’t. They’re loyal as hell and they want pets sometimes. Honestly? They’re more puppy-like than you think. And that’s just– absolutely adorable. Let them run around, go out to eat with them, listen to their stories/let them be playful, show them you care. Let them care for you back. Listen to them, they’re doing their best to help you when you’re helping yourself too.
Pisces -
Suffer? Yes. But also, so much more in common with Capricorn than they realize.
They wanna be there for others, but if they’re saying something and it’s being swerved all the time then what the hell are they doing there for you?
Being there for others but not having people realize/appreciate them for that sucks. And do you seriously expect them to have expendable energy for that bullshit all the time? Mate, they barely have enough energy for themselves sometimes.
Don’t dismiss how their minds work for something ‘whacky’ – honestly its fine the first few times but it’s gonna make them think they shouldn’t try to communicate themselves in certain ways afterwards.
So much stronger than they realize they are, they aren’t weak-bitches these people have the ability to run two (even three) laps around your one lap so don’t ever pull them down to make them ‘understandable’ to you (it’s only going to make them ‘box’ themselves in and not express themselves in front of people).
Believe in their strength, believe that they can overcome their most troublesome worries. They’re going to prove you wrong anyways. Scorpio being about self-transformation? Pisces taught themselves how to overcome their own weaknesses in the stone ages.
Ending Ment:
Honestly even when I wrote all these out I realize that some of them might only apply to certain placement/context. But to those who gained something from this, I hope you remain strong! 💕Teach others how to take care/appreciate you better 💕 Sometimes, other people just need guidance on how to approach certain signs 💕 So please don’t dismiss someone just because of their placements ok? 💕
#astrology#astrology asks#aries#libra#taurus#gemini#cancer#leo#virgo#scorpio#sagittarius#capricorn#aquarius#pisces#zodiac#horoscope#anon#asks
417 notes
·
View notes
Text
so sometimes i go through these phases where I'm 110% done with life
then there are times like this.
I've been with this guy for almost two months now and I can't remember the last time i was this mentally exhausted. it's like, why am i putting myself though this? he's not abusive or anything and I'll get to him again later, but a relationship shouldn't CONSTANTLY feel like just another thing you have to deal with on top of everything else. I absolutely give up on talking to any of my friends about this because it always has one of three outcomes (or two or all):
they don't care
they tell me im being dramatic
they defend him/take his side
i just don't feel like dealing with that anymore, or at least at the moment. i don't want to have my feelings invalidated anymore. I'd rather just keep it bottled up at this point. and then i start thinking, are they really my friends? or do they just feel bad for me? or am i that annoying kid who can't take a hint/they don't know how to tell me to fuck off? because they're always belittling me. It's like I'm their fucking punching bag.
because I am. because I allow myself to be.
me and my passive, nonconfrontational ways. I'd rather take constant abuse than say or do anything to defend myself.
my "friends" as i will now refer to them honestly suck. i get that relationships are important to people, but i couldn't imagine completely abandoning my friends for my boyfriend. I'd NEVER. and they'd be pissed at me if i did. but I'm supposed to be okay with them doing it? it's fucking bullshit.
back to the boyfriend thing. god where do i even start. is he a bad boyfriend...no. maybe? i don't know. it's so fucking exhausting I can't stress this enough. I don't remember exactly how we met but i think it was some stupid instagram group chat. and we became best friends and i developed feelings because I'm a dumb bitch who catches feelings too fast. but the feelings i had for him weren't gone in a week like they normally were and i knew i was in trouble. i eventually told him how i felt in September and he miraculously liked me back. since that day, I've spent every single day wondering if he does actually like me or if he just didn't want to hurt my feelings, because sometimes it feels like the latter. I'd blame it on my paranoia, but I'm not the only one who sees it this way. in the past three days we've had maybe two full conversations??? (and i get being busy, but how hard is that to communicate? it takes seconds to say "hey I'm busy can't talk" but with him its more like, an 8 hour silence with a "hi" and the occasional "i miss you" i know im overly sensitive about everything, including this situation, but I can't be the only one who gets this).
i try so hard. and i don't necessarily mean in my relationship, but life in general i guess. i try so fucking hard and it's exhausting. i try so hard to fit in. i try so hard to be a good friend. a good girlfriend. a good person. i try so hard to do well in school. i try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. i try so hard to see the good in people.
someone once said that when you view the world through rose tinted glasses, red flags just look like flags. sure, i understood it upon first reading it, but now i understand it. I'd like to apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors from this point on (or at any point, really. I've never cared for proofreading) since im currently bawling my eyes out, but that's neither here nor there.
so my boyfriend does this specific thing a lot, I won't say what it is because it's a dumb thing to feel this upset about and i feel pathetic for crying over this, but at the same time i believe my feelings are valid, but he does this SO much and it hurts so much more than it should. i did mention my oversensitivity, earlier.
maybe I'm overreacting but when someone tells you that you're doing something that bothers them, you should actually try to fucking stop doing that thing if you care about them. within reason of course. the little things like telling cruel jokes at their expense, not asking to change something about you (physical appearance, personality, etc.). I've told this guy more times than i can count how much this thing hurts me and how much I've cried over it and it always goes the exact same "I'm sorry" and i forgive him, like a dumbass, and he does it again.
every. single. goddamn. time.
and i think, how much more of this can i tolerate? I'm so tired of talking about the same thing over and over and nothing changing. it's a waste of time.
he's also the type of guy who treats you different depending on who's there. when it's just us, it's amazing. but if even one of his friends is there, I'm almost invisible.
I'd talk to him about it but I don't see a point. it's a whole fucking cycle and im tired of being the only one left hurt and crying for days while he's having the fucking time of his life. if i didn't love him so much I'd let him go. I would've let him go a long time ago. the first time he did what i told him hurt me AGAIN. god why is everything in my life such a mess? i always tell myself to listen to my mother because when she doesn't like someone I'm involved with whether it be romantically or platonically, there's a reason. in all my years she's never been wrong ONCE. and i tell myself "maybe she's wrong about this one" and you know what? she probably will be wrong about a person one day, but it's never the person i want it to be.
she tells me a lot about this because she was in my position once. she doesn't want me to end up like her. brainwashed, naive, and pregnant before my life even started. luckily her life turns itself around, but that's rare. she doesn't want that for me and I'm so glad she's always there for me during the fallout after not listening to her.
it makes me feel bad for taking her advice for granted.
should i leave him? i have no fucking clue. do i want to? no, but if things don't change, i see no reason to stay. i can only remember very few times in my life where I've been this down and just tired. idk. rant over.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
going off the back of that post that i reblogged last night about being a virgin/not dating/not having had a relationship by your 20s should be normalised and not shamed.... i thought I’d make a separate post bc meh anyway.
but yeah going off that post, I hate how when I was 17/18 and 18/19 when I had guys approach me on facebook for sex/a relationship/to date etc the question i had the most from all of those men (who at the time were in their early-to-mid 20s) was “are you like waiting for marriage or some stupid fucking bullshit for losing your virginity? like why the fuck haven’t you slept with someone yet? you’re 17-19! you’re obvs broken and let me/us (the us part was when it was 2 dudes, one trying to set me up with his friend) fucking fix you! what the fuck?” and then obviously that rant devolved into my typical point of “you should’ve fucked someone by the time you were 15!” bullshit rant that all of these men rattled off after the marriage/virginity question.
but no. i’m not waiting for marriage to have sex/lose my very non-existent purely social construct virginity. no. i’m not waiting for it to be “special” bc I know a lot of losing your virginity is MEANT to be awkward and funny and uncomfortable, unlike all the media around it making it seem seamless and perfect half the time.
but you know what I’m waiting for? a person that fucking respects that, in a sense. a person who doesn’t fucking think their stupid fucking mostly good-for-nothing genitals (ok in these cases it obvs a dick) will magically control me and “make you (me) into a real woman who loves real dick, real men, and real sex” which is something that “I’ll give you sex lessons in my car” guy literally said to me in 2014 when he was angry at me for not having lost my virginity by 18/19. im waiting for just like the bare minimum respect level that SO MANY MEN fucking refuse to fucking meet that it makes me fucking sick.
warning: this next part mentions suicide/self-harm.
like y’all I went through a lot with my stalker constantly harassing me with his “will you fucking hurry up and fucking consider that wonderful weekend of sex down the coast, so that I can be the first to have your virginity???!!! (and also so that I don’t try and kill myself, you selfish bitch!)” act. like why in all honest fuck would I give it to a guy that consistently threatened me with his suicide/generally threatened self-harm each time I refused to touch him? why would i give it to the guy who made me terrified that he’d punch me in the face if i ever called that bullshit out or generally criticised his behaviour in any way, shape, or form???? why would i give it to the boy who DEMANDED in first two days of knowing me, that i “hurry up and get on the pill so that I can fuck you!” and then followed that up with refusing to use condoms and then the “we’ll get married & have kids one day bc you’re girlfriend material” line, as if he was going to trap me at 16 with a kid to be his baby mama, and then never let me go to uni etc bc i obviously had to be stuck with the kid while he fucked off and fucked around with other girls.
like y’all 16 year old me mentally read my stalker for fucking FILTH each time he pulled his bullshit acts. she knew that he was abusive/manipulative/controlling etc. why the FUCK would she give him the satisfaction of “being the first to fuck you (her)” like she was some gatekept special unicorn or other fucked up shit???? virginity is used to control women by these creepy manipulative men. and the men mentioned in the first half of this post all were like “like yeah he sounds fucking yikes, but you should’ve just fucked him anyway; to be normal and to not be a fucking stuck up, frigid virgin bitch like you are now! you should of just given the guy a chance!!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬 maybe he would’ve treated you right if you fucked him and gave him what he wanted!!!! lower your fucking standards!!!!😡” like no????????? and y’all are really going to excuse suicide threats/self-harm threats and other violence towards women, over a woman not having lost her virginity yet???? what THE ACTUAL FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?????? you are MOTHERFUCKING TRASH and you need to FUCKING LEAVE.
then yes there was the less yikes clear braces guy at catholic school. but all the same. 14/15 year old me DID NOT LIKE HIM in that way at all. I didn’t want to fucking touch him, because everything about him disgusted me (which was super fucking rude I’ll admit, but yeah).
but why the fuck was she expected to give up her virginity/have a relationship at all etc with a boy that she NEVER had feelings for???? why was she ALWAYS dismissed (typically more often by male students, but also by some female students and then eventually teachers) when she said she didn’t like him???? and even after she fucking dumped him???? WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO BELIEVE GIRLS/WOMEN when they say that they DON’T LIKE and NEVER LIKED someone?????
but other than that, why was I expected to give myself to him??? I had boys who always said to me “I bet you’d love licking the shit out of his braces. yeah get that nasty shit out of there for him with your tounge... I bet you dream about it” and other vile shit about this guy’s psoriasis etc, and other shit like that for 3 straight fucking years..... and then those boys fucking wondered why i’d fucking slap them and storm out of fucking class.... and then they always pretended to act all nice after it. why the FUCK was i expected to endure that?????
this is the relationship where the WHOLE year group pressured me into it (or at least I felt super pressured by my entire year) bc even the other half of the year started to harass me about it. whenever i told anyone to fuck off about it, they’d just push it harder. it was a fucking mortifyingly awkward and awful relationship where i never answered his texts.... where he would spell my name wrong although I was his “best friend” (although yes autocorrect but you wouldn’t over sight that in a text to your girlfriend, right?) and where I constantly faked sick or totally ignored his advances for dates...... by actually going over my friends houses, instead of going to the movies with him.... and then when he moved schools at the end of 2010 I felt like it was my fault bc I’d dumped him???? so he’d lost a good friend after that??? idek man teenagers suck lmao
but in the whole story about clear braces guy, I think you can see the underlying thing there was that i OBVIOUSLY wasn’t ready for a relationship, and honestly I don’t think this guy was either..... considering that when he asked me out over the phone he seemed awkward about it I suppose.... like we’d been pressured into FOR 3 YEARS of constant harassment from our year group..... so he felt like he HAD to ask me out finally. and then when he made it “facebook official” i gagged... and then snapped and then yelled at him. i was fucking livid. i cringed at the couple selfie he took of us at the end of one PE lesson after the “fb official” disaster. it was a fucking nightmare lmao.
can y’all see that this SHOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED AT ALL if we’d just left been left fucking alone to be friends that talked every day???? like yes he had his story of having a crush on me since the start of 2008/year 7, but I always felt nothing like that for him. EVER. we were just two metalhead friends bonding over parkway drive and marilyn manson and emo kids bonding over adtr and other bands which everyone else was into anyway.
like I did feel sorry for him in my class bc no one would sit with him, bc he was a bit weird (the braces thing didn’t help him either). he talked to me too bc most of my class was scared of me and my very dramatic screaming matches with teachers/emotional outbursts that would get me sent out of so many classes for most of year 7. but i always, ALWAYS saw us as just friends. basically it was just my group that believed that I didn’t like him (well eventually) bc they always got up and moved away whenever braces dude came to sit with me at at lunch/recess. like my group was embarrassed for me or something???? idek man.
but yeah. my point with braces guy is that why fuck should I have been pressured into that??? and ESPECIALLY why the actual fuck did it have to be a fucking whole year group level of sustained harassment for 3 straight years, where on every fucking level I WAS FUCKING IGNORED by everyone????.... and where that sustained harassment made me feel as though if I’d said no, i would’ve been called a selfish bitch/whore/slut bc teenagers are dumb as fuck. like even teachers started pushing it from time to time by 2010. i fucking hated it. why should a teenager be harassed ON THAT LEVEL FOR THAT LONG while still being invalidated..... and then still be expected to have a good view of relationships and sex exploration after that???? like it warped my views so much.... and then gave me a big part of a horrible fucking year long depressive episode in 2011..... and also gave me a weirdly obsessive and deathly obvious crush on one of the very popular pretty boys who had pushed me into that relationship anyway.... especially when that said boy gave me a flirtatious comment when I was “going out” with braces boy. like how the fuck is any of that healthy???? why was I expected to lose my virginity to someone I never had feelings for in the first place????
so yeah. this is my view on why people never having had a relationship/never had sex/not lot their virginity by their 20s should be a more normalised thing not to be shamed for...... and why teenagers should NEVER be harassed to have relationship that they don’t want, fucking period. just relationships in high school are fucking awful.
#life#about me#shut up ilona#ilona whines about her shitty life to her followers lol#ilona whines about her shitty luck with men to her followers lol#trigger warning: suicide mention#i fucking hate all of these situations#ilona’s rants about her high school stalker
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Woah I miss venting here. This is a lot safer than facebook or twitter since I nobody really knows the existence of this acc and nobody really knows who I am in here. SO ANYWAYS
That’s it. I’m really just upset and feel so unsafe with everything. I don’t feel safe in this house (emotionally safe and mentally safe) I don’t feel good, I feel so uneasy and probably always at the brink.
My Mom is constantly pressuring me to do more, oh and I actually have work already and that’s where I’ve been getting all my money.
Yet somehow, because I have work. My Mom expects me to provide for my own needs and it feels like I’m being rushed to become and adult??? Idk it just feels so wrong.
Like? I have missed my childhood (according to my memory) and now I’m missing my teenage years for some bullshit depression and disorder and now you want me to hurry up and maybe sooner pay for them fucking bills????
Idk if it’s just me but I feel so out of place and sometimes I also feel like my Mom and her (new) boyfriend just wants me out of the picture so they could create a new world and life where it’s just them and (probably) their new kid.
Like okay??? I feel like a total outcast??? Am I ungrateful because of these dumbass feelings??? Or maybe I want to delete myself and that’s why I’ve been feeling uncomfortable lately since I am living at her boyfriend’s house and I certainly don’t feel at home.
I have been to many houses and have lived and adjusted to different environments yet whenever I feel alright and finally at peace I just had to live somewhere else again?? And I’m supposed to just be okay with it??? Like okay I get it, I should understand that if it’s hard for me then it is also hard for you. But am I not allowed to have emotions just because you’re going through much worse than mine???
Since when has been feeling bad a competition???
And there was one time I wanted to focus on my studies and did assess on my studies. My Mom got mad at me and said “What are we gonna eat if you become a member of the student council?” (Nonverbatim) and I stood there confused as fuck like “oh woah so I gotta work to feed us all? Don’t you have a partner for that? I’m suppose to study at my age so we can have a bright future or atleast have a home someday.”
WOMAN I AM DOING MY BEST AND GIVING IT MY ALL JUST TO GIVE YOU THE LIFE YOU WISH YOH HAVE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THATS THE ONLY REASON WHY IM STILL ALIVE.
TELL ME, WHO IS IT REALLY THAT’S UNGRATEFUL? YOU OR ME??
Gosh I feel so bad ranting but YEAH.
Bro If I were to decide I’d literally kill myself in an instant like getting sick isn’t even making me wish to live, getting sick makes me laugh and relieved that I’m finally gonna die.
I’m honestly concerned about myself but heck I don’t know what to do at this point and all I’m relying to is the fact that maybe someday All will be well and someobody’s gonna need me in the future.
Like bro I need someone and help. I need myself. I need love. I need care. Yet it feels so wrong to voice all of these out cuz I got so used to being silenced and invalidated that expressing myself is causing discomfort to other and I’m suppose to value them more than me.
That’s totally fucked up.
I also need a hug, I also need a father, I also need a mother, I also have my own traumas, my own bruises, bro I’m literally so wounded and hurt that everyday, breathing feels so wrong and painful. That even if I have fun and appear to be having fun, deep inside I know something is wrong.
I also want to be seen and heard. But why does it feel like they should be put first? They should be understood first. It’s always gotta be them.
What about me?
What about me? Do I not deserve to be understood too?
Come on, even tho they had it worse than what I’ve gone through doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain.
We are all going through something, can’t they at least go easy on me when they won’t give me the warmth and comfort I also need?
I’m just as tired as you, I’m just as bruised as you, I’m just as dead as you…
If you feel like what I’m going through can’t be compared to yours then at least just leave me be instead of telling me I should feel grateful that I’m only experiencing minor things.
Because honestly it will never give me peace.
What you’ve gone through doesn’t give you the right to belittle what others are experiencing too.
0 notes
Link
If youre reading this im hoping its because youre also a lonely man.Ive been alone my entire life, no friends, no family. But this subreddit isnt where you want to go to learn anything about dating advice, or.... sex. This sub is full of the worst most hostile people, and if youre one of those people, maybe this may get you to take a long hard look at yourself. Today 2 girls told me my life doesnt matter, that im ugly, annoying. Im sure the women of this sub will say I deserve it and so on. But these are women who I thought were my friends, but... as an ugly male, this is always a stretch. No woman wants to be friends with an ugly male. So im hideous and deformed, im so ugly that people give me second looks because im so strange to look at. I can be so kind and generous "THATS YOUR FAULT!" says the women of this sub. "YOU FELL FOR THE TRICKS AND LIES, THAT IS YOUR FAULT!"I took some notes and wrote them down and I am going to list them here, they are valid points and im sure ill be shamed and gas lit for having these thoughts, but here we go.One big issue ive noticed is these days if it doesnt generate profit, if it doesnt bring in money, it is seen as useless. They scream and scream you need to have hobbies and skills, but mention youre learning this, or maybe reading this, or you do that; "and.... what does that do? HUH!? HUH!?!?!?!? whats that do for you!?" they are saying its useless, that it has no value, because its not wage-labor or bringing in a lucrative income.In the United States we live in a thing called a guilt based culture. A hyper individualistic and guilt based culture, its no secret that social systems exist to keep people in line; the guilt based system works well with the individualistic culture of the U.S. because you can be encouraged to feel guilty and thats your business. Women do this to men on here constantly, enforcing the "guilt" you should feel from being.... attracted to them. "uhm, its wrong to ask women out...." they are attempting to make you feel guilt and get satisfaction from it. Women hold the most power in this culture, and you have nothing you can do to them. They can treat you how they want such as telling me I am worthless, and dont matter.... you can say "well fine, never speak to me again." and they will giggle and laugh, "HAHAAA!!!!! GOOD! WE GOT ALPHAS ON OUR SIDE!"The second big thing ive noticed is the whole "its your personality" bullshit thats regurgitated on here. Its actually really inconsiderate, cruel, and dishonest to tell someone who is ugly that they are being treated like trash by women because... "their personality". Its part of this guilt based thing, they want you to look at yourself, wonder what exactly is wrong, and to sit in guilty silence.On some dating sites you can actually see who visits your profile AND what pics they look at. I had an account on one of these sites and never ever got matches, so id message random girls if I liked their profile (this will get guilt tripped im sure, as if I should feel guilty for messaging women on dating sites) id notice once they read my message, theyd go to my profile and look at a few of my pics, then.... blocked.Obviously what happened was they read my message, decided to see what I look like, saw im deformed and hideous, and blocked me. If you actually see that and say, "nah it was your personality." you are fucking delusional.On a side note as a kid one time, and this goes into social influences on our lives... I was young and riding the bus, and there was no seats open. Only 2 people to a seat they said. I saw only one seat with one person in it, and people obviously didnt want me with my deformed hideousness to sit next to them, so I sat in this open seat next to this girl, I said to her... "hey im sorry, but no other seats are open." she looked at me and started yelling "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO?" I told her... "uhhh you..." she goes, "youre a fucking weirdo!" and climbed over me to sit with 2 other girls... 3 to a seat which you arent allowed to do. I said "hey... i didnt do anything..." and one of the other girls (notice they are all female) turns around to say "SHUT UP! nobody likes you!"I started to cry...People on this sub, when I bring up situations like that, tell me im "playing victim" that I deserved it. Fuck... im so tired of being so alone.They claim women are cruel for their "own protection" which is the most sexist fucking thing to say on earth. As if all men are fucking animals who cant control themselves and need to be treated like shit. its an excuse to treat men bad, and is sexist.Lets move on, the third thing.... uhmm wanting dates or sex is not a fucking mental problem. If a man is struggling with dates or sex, to tell him he needs therapy and fucking mental evaluations for being curious on dating or sex, is fucking dehumanizing. Just because someone wants dates or sex does not mean they need to be doped up on psych drugs ffs.If you are seeking advice on this sub, be prepared for that. They will fucking try to diagnose you on here.I think the "youre playing victim" trope is overused as fuck... it just invalidates (i hope im using this word right) a mans emotions, its saying "get over it" in so many words.And finally, those one guys will hound you and have the women join them as symbols of how you should be...yeahhh im talking about those guys who are like "im a 45 year old virgin! and you dont hear me complaining! im fine with being alone forever right girls!" and they go "YEAH! SEE BE LIKE HIM!" while they have hook up sex with other guys and shame you for being curious about it.they are virtue signaling and trying to guilt you into thinking being alone is acceptable.Honestly, just move on to a different sub. Watch the hostility of the comments I get for evidence, they will be incoherent angry rants how "women dont make mistakes" and wont even address the issues.Evidence enough. via /r/dating_advice
0 notes
Note
Hi! So I'm trying to convince a friend who isn't really a fan of Abby that she's a precious cinnamon roll. What evidence/arguments/gentle nudging would help to show them the light? :)
You know what? I started writing out a whole long essay of feels about Abby Griffin and why I love her so much, but I realised anything like that was gonna be WAY too long! So here it is condensed into handy bullet pointed list form!
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ DISCLAIMER
Someone not liking Abby as a character is fine! I don’t expect my fave to be everyone’s fave, and sometimes you get a character who just rubs you the wrong way and you might not even be able to explain why. But, since I was asked, these are some of the reasons *I* love Abby Griffin, and some responses to common criticisms of her (many of which I genuinely think are deeply unfair and based on ridiculously inaccurate interpretations of her character)
Onwards!
she’s a talented Doctor and Scientist
she designed the wristbands! the whole ‘sending the 100 to the ground’ thing was LITERALLY HER IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE THERE WOULD BE NO SHOW without Abby Griffin
“the most respected person in this camp"
when Clarke destroys Mount Weather she immediately wants to use all that tech not for killing Grounders like Pike does, but for opening a hospital and healing Grounders and Sky people alike god whatever happened to THAT storyline btw??
saves Nyko’s life
saves Raven’s life
saves Lincoln’s life with an amazing smart, brave moment of sheer shocklashing badassery, and by doing so…
becomes the first person EVER to bring back a Reaper!!! Thus enabling Clarke to win an alliance with the Grounders and presumably becoming a legend with them because she LITERALLY BROUGHT A DUDE BACK FROM THE DEAD YO INDRA DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT
saves Finn’s life long-distance over the radio (look we all have our faults but Clarke, Raven and Octavia are equally to blame for this one so no foul to Abby)
saves Marcus’ life under the rubble of Tondc
saves Roan’s life when he’s shot
…literally are you getting my point half the people in the show would be dead if it it weren’t for her
keeps Ontari alive (and thus helps Clarke save the world) by CRACKING OPEN HER CHEST AND MANUALLY PUMPING HER HEART look even Murphy was impressed by that
she’s super badass and incredibly brave even without resorting to violence and killing like other characters
willing to go to jail and the airlock (!!!) multiple times to try and save the people due to die in the Culling
willing to fire herself at the Earth in an ancient rocket cobbled together by Raven just for the chance that she can prove the kids are alive
goes to meet Indra, a heavily armed enemy warrior leader, alone and unarmed, and doesn’t back down even with a knife held to her throat
climbs into the rubble of Tondc to save people even though she herself was safely out of it
saves Raven’s life (again!) by taking the chip when ALIE makes her cut her wrists
saves Jackson and Miller’s lives on Science Island by distracting a drone
she’s a devoted, loving and good mother (FUCK YOU I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL)
kind of a surrogate mom to Jackson who lost his mom at a young age
clearly wants to adopt both Raven and Murphy too
willing to move heaven and earth to find Clarke and protect her
stands up to Jaha to back Clarke in season two even as he tries to have her deposed and thrown into the stockade because…
“I have faith too. In my daughter.”
also in season two, defers to Clarke and gives up any chance of finding survivors from the other Ark stations to focus on rescuing the kids in Mount Weather
understands why Clarke left post-season two and even though it’s clearly hurting her she doesn’t try and drag her back before ‘she wants to be found’
look I don’t want to go too far on this because some of the time Abby DOES show poor judgement and go overboard in trying to protect Clarke?? I can’t deny that but honestly if the worst u can say about Abby Griffin is that she loves her daughter too much then you’re reaching pretty badly tbh, considering other characters have list of faults that literally include ‘torture’ and ‘genocide’
she’s a woman of extraordinary integrity and deeply held ethics, but also pragmatic and not stupid about it
“You don’t have to justify yourself.I broke the rules and I accept the consequences”
she ALWAYS does what she thinks is right…but she also NEVER shies away from the consequences
horrified by what Clarke does in letting Tondc be bombed…but keeps the secret anyway because she knows it’s necessary
deeply hurt by Clarke’s coup in S2 and shocked at the change in her daughter…but steps aside for her anyway to avoid more bloodshed from an actual fight
haunted and grief stricken by her beloved husband’s death…but was the one to turn him in, because she believed that risking the life of one person she loved couldn’t outweigh the risk of many more lives being lost by his actions
she’s the kindest, sweetest darling
befriends Raven, sees potential in her and treats her as an equal and an ally
besties with Purest Cinnamon Roll Jackson
sees the potential in John Murphy
respects and trusts Lincoln as an advisor when she’s Chancellor
constantly torn between worry and pride for her wayward daughter but would do anything to keep her safe
forgives Marcus Kane for all the bullshit he put her through and ends up being his biggest supporter and ally and helping him to become a better man
constantly trying to heal everyone and save everyone even though she knows she can’t
constantly trying to find solutions that don’t involve violence and death
wracked with guilt for things she couldn’t have forseen and couldn’t change, worries that she isn’t a good person and doesn’t deserve to survive
led Arkadia in three months of real peace, turning a ramshackle camp into a growing, flourishing home even while dealing with her own personal grief over Clarke being missing
doesn’t get enough sleep
her smile is like the sun coming out from behind the clouds
Abby Griffin in conclusion
she’s incredibly smart
she’s extraordinarily courageous
she’s self-sacrificing
she’s kind and compassionate
she’s passionately driven and principled
she’s willing to get her own hands dirty
she takes care of everyone even though no-one ever takes care of her
she has to try and be a leader AND a doctor AND a mother all at once and even though it means she’s constantly overworked and has to make impossible choices, she willingly bears the burden of those responsibilities
BONUS ROUND UNDER THE CUT!!! Common reasons people give for disliking Abby, and my response to them! :D
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ DISCLAIMER THE SECOND
Again, this is all just my opinion, and I don’t want to start an argument with anyone who disagrees. The ask here was ‘what evidence/arguments would I use’ so I thought a useful thing would be to lay out why the common arguments of those who don’t like Abby as a character do not sway me personally. My intention is to counter these criticisms with my own thoughts on the subject, not invalidate them.
Onwards!
**
“She’s an overbearing mother who doesn’t believe in Clarke’s leadership and competency even though it’s been proven again and again. She constantly tries to protect her when Clarke can clearly take care of herself and is trying to Get Shit Done without her mom’s interference.”
This is probably the most common one, and honestly I’m afraid I’m gonna have to repeat myself from my point above - if the worst thing you can say about Abby Griffin is that she loves her daughter too much…assuming that most people who make this argument love Clarke too, it seems like a bizarre reason to dislike Abby?
It also strikes me as oddly lacking in context. Overbearing parents can suck, sure, but…Abby Griffin isn’t getting mad about her daughter staying out late partying with friends or getting poor exam results. Abby Griffin is a mother desperately trying to prevent her only child from being brutally killed, or turning into a cold, ruthless killing machine herself, or else just ending up so broken and emotionally scarred that she loses her forever in another way.
These are not unreasonable concerns. These are things that happen to characters on this show!
Abby doesn’t want to lose her daughter. She doesn’t want her daughter to be hurt. She doesn’t want her daughter to have to make the terrible choices and unbearable sacrifices that a leader in Clarke’s position is so often called upon to do. And you know what? In her position I wouldn’t want that for MY daughter either! Is Abby selfish to want to spare her daughter these burdens? Maybe. Is she naive to think she can continue to protect Clarke under these circumstances? Almost certainly. But I can’t find it in my heart to blame her for trying.
Another thing I would really like to point out here that I think is often shamefully overlooked is that this is a flaw of Abby’s that improves with time. Yes, Abby does often question Clarke’s authority in season two and she is stubborn and open in her dismay at the change in her daughter that the Ground has wrought. But as time goes by Abby consistently backs Clarke and defers to her time and time again - standing up for her against Jaha, prioritizing her friends in Mount Weather above finding other Ark survivors, keeping the secret of the Tondc bombing…by the time season two ends Abby has come to terms with the person Clarke has become, and throughout season three and four she is nothing but a supportive and staunch ally to Clarke’s plans.
When they disagree on something Abby will always speak her mind, and when Clarke is in danger Abby will always try to protect her…just as any mother would, and as any of Clarke’s friends would. But if there’s one thing Abby Griffin has, it’s unwavering love and faith in her daughter. Clarke is clearly the person Abby cares most for in the world, and their relationship is one of the most important in the show - whether they’re at odds or working together, that relationship always makes both Clarke and Abby more interesting and more sympathetic to me. It feels like a genuine shame to me that some people find it a cause for resentment towards either of these characters instead.
**
“She’s reckless and doesn’t think through the consequences of her actions. She gave Finn a gun and he slaughtered a Grounder village! She smashed that machine in season four just to save Clarke when the entire human race was at stake!”
Actually I somewhat agree with this one! One of Abby’s faults throughout the show is that she often acts impulsively and makes unilateral decisions to do what she believes is right. Sometimes she turns out to be right…sometimes not. Either way this is something that makes me like Abby more as a character - she’s fallible and human! She makes mistakes! She’s so single minded about protecting her daughter that it can blind her to other concerns!
It makes her a much more interesting character, in my opinion, than an Abby Griffin who is unequivocally Right All The Time. As something of a moral compass for the show, it would be very easy for her to be boring, and having that stubborn, reckless streak makes her far more fun to watch. Give me morphine-stealing, black-market-dealing, do-whatever-it-takes-and-lie-through-your-teeth-to-get-what-you-want Slytherin Abby Griffin any day!
Because…at the end of the day, everything Abby does, good and bad, is done out of love for her daughter, and responsibility to her people. She’s not always right, but she is always - to paraphrase Jake Griffin - ‘doing the best she can.’ And I can’t help but love her for that, and root for her to succeed.
**
“She slapped Raven that one time.”
Yeah, that was a dick move. What, you expected something different? Just because I love Abby doesn’t mean I have to blindly agree with everything she does! As it happens, I share the opinion of a lot of people who think the writing for the show was at fault in this instance - I don’t think that slap was AT ALL in character for Abby to do, but that’s a discussion for another time. Assuming it IS taken as canon…yeah it was a total dick move. I hope (and genuinely believe) that Abby apologised to Raven afterwards.
But again, I can’t help but think…if the worst charge you can level against Abby Griffin is ‘she slapped someone who didn’t deserve it one time’ then in the context of THIS show that speaks pretty well of Abby, to be honest. Of course it’s absurd to argue that any bad thing Abby does is just fine because other people have done worse things but…just…it’s not unreasonable to get a little perspective here, maybe? This one instance of Abby doing something admittedly unpleasant and unjustified to Raven in a moment of stress is nowhere near enough to cancel out the genuine and loving friendship the two share for the rest of the show, and seems like a pretty thin reason to Hate Abby Forever, especially considering all the awful things literally every other character in the show has done at one point or another except for my precious son Jackson
So although I agree in principle, a lot of the time when people trot out this particular argument it feels a lot to me like playing on everyone’s love of Raven to try and get them to hate Abby…which leaves a nasty ‘pitting women against each other’ taste in my mouth, to be honest.
So yeah, I don’t like this scene. I don’t like what Abby does in this scene. I won’t make apologies for her behavior here. But what I like least of all is anyone who tries to use this scene as some kind of unforgivable indictment of Abby’s character, when it is quite clearly exceptional and uncharacteristic behavior for her; something never seen before or since.
It was a dick move though.
**
“She killed her husband!”
*sighhhhhh*
I don’t hear this one a lot these days, but I really don’t know why it ever comes up at all as a reason to hate Abby? I mean, I can’t believe I have to spell this out for people because it is all explicitly laid out for you on screen in the show, but here in handy list form:
Abby clearly and demonstrably loved Jake Griffin, was terrified that he might be killed for exposing secret information and begged him not to do it
when he refused to back down, Abby confided in Jaha about his plans, because she genuinely believed that Jake was going to doom everyone on the Ark by going public, including Clarke
Abby and Jake were both personal friends with Jaha, and Abby believed that he would not execute Jake - a reasonable thing to think, as Jake had not yet committed a crime and Jaha HAD the power of pardon and was more than willing to use it on Abby when she later broke the law to save HIS life (hey fuck you Thelonius by the way)
when this did not happen and Jake was executed anyway, Abby was clearly and demonstrably horrified and grief stricken
even though Jake Griffin’s death was neither her intention nor her fault, she still obviously bears terrible guilt for her role in it and will have to live with the pain of losing the man she loved every day for the rest of her life
…seriously, this is all there on screen. Why some people persist in portraying Abby as some kind of cackling murderess who happily shoved her husband out of an airlock is beyond me. She trusted the wrong person and made a terrible mistake; an attempt to save lives that ended up losing the life of someone she loved deeply. It was a tragedy for everyone involved, born of the choices made by several different people all acting out of the best of intentions. Abby never came across as anything but deeply sympathetic to me when I watched this storyline play out on screen, and I’m just baffled that anyone feels otherwise? What show were you watching?
“She’s old and boring.”
Hey: fuck you!
Ok so not a lot of people straight up come out and say this, but a lot of the hate towards Abby Griffin really does seem to be because she has the audacity to be a woman over forty on TV. If you hate Abby because she displays characteristics or acts in a way that you would be swooning over if given to a sexy young man in his 20s, then the problem is a whole lot of socially ingrained ageism and misogyny, and there’s not a lot I can do to persuade people out of that.
~**~IN CONCLUSION~**~
A lot of people have different reasons for not liking Abby Griffin as a character, just as is the case for any character in any work of fiction. Some of them I can understand, even if I don’t personally agree with them. Some of them I think are both unfair and unreasonable. However, at the end of the day, all I can do is try and explain my own reasons for Abby being my favourite character, which I have done at…uh…some length. WOOPS.
I love Abby. I think she’s an interesting character,a sympathetic character, a vibrant and complicated and vital character. She’s someone I look up to, the kind of person I would like to be. And it bums me out to think that there are fans who just don’t like her, or simply don’t care about her, and that I will probably never be able to change their minds on that.
But there are plenty of people who feel the same way I do too. So Anon, if you are still reading this - and frankly I wouldn’t blame you if you had given up some time ago - my advice for you is this:
Agree to disagree. Talk to your friend about characters you both love in the show. Ask them to keep an open mind about Abby, and try to find out why they just haven’t warmed to her in the way you presumably have. And if you ever want to flail over our smol cinnamon roll science babe queen…there are plenty of us ready and waiting to join you :)
#Anonymous#The 100#Abby Griffin#The 100 meta#all I can say about this is...well...you asked#I am always up for talking about Abby
171 notes
·
View notes
Text
mood: fine, operating better than before
but so much apathy, it’s basically impossible for me to care about anything.
Time is an illusion
Nihilistic view of life (everyone dies and nothing matters, we’re the size of a proton compared to the universe. The world’s going to burn in my lifetime anyway)
vivid dreams/nightmares/dreams within dreams
periods of racing thoughts
peeing during night
constant restlessness; like i’m yearning for something but I don’t know what.
days where i'll go from almost normal, or at least apathic, to 'i want to get hit by a bus. So I can just die. That would make everything so much easier. When can I go to sleep so I can finally end this day? Then I'll have to do another tomorrow. Ugh" Like I can’t imagine going on like this for days/weeks/months/years longer
Getting a job won’t solve all my problems which is terrifying.
What if I get a job that I hate and I’m still in the same mental state that I’m in now. Again, I can’t imagine or handle feeling like this for much longer. I don’t know what to do.
If I get a job that I hate like a sales job, I’ll be having regular mental breakdowns and serious thoughts of hurting myself...but that’s almost where I am now so… (although my thoughts of death are more passive. I would never actually do anything and I know that. Which I think contributes to the not being able to go on like this. Because I know I won’t kill myself and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.)
Feel stupid that I want ‘furfillment’ and ‘happiness’ like I should just get a job I hate and slog through life like everyone else.
When i bring up super dark thoughts to mom she’s like ‘don’t do that. Don’t say that. Don’t think that.’ which not only invalidates my feelings but completely shuts down any open conversation. I feel like i can’t talk to her about these things. they dont trust me.
I feel really good when I create things. Write, draw, video edit. When I created my ux web design for the travel blog for my ux final, i really enjoyed it and felt good while doing it. I was motivated to finish it and do the best I could. Not just because I had to, but because I geniunelly wanted to.
I feel that blog would really furfil me, make me happy, give me purpose, do something im passionate about, give great work experience. It gives me hope which I don’t have otherwise.
But i know that will never happen.
Because mom and dad don’t believe in me. “You won’t make money doing that”
Dad will do anything but believe in me. He’ll spend tens of thousands of dollars on his stupid fucking shitty plane that no one wanted him to get but he won’t finacniallly support a business idea
Doesn’t help that dad can barely set up a dvd player and mom didn’t know what ‘now streaming’ meant.
I feel like I can’t talk to her and I constantly have to put on a happy face like nothing’s wrong. That my feelings are dramatic and stupid. I just need someone to validate my feelings and actually listen. Not just shut down when it gets dark.
When you realize all your interests and thoughts are just distractions from what is really wrong.
I feel like i dont deserve anything, like im a burden.
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
fuckingshit0cals
Hmm Hi!?!? :)
joomomtv
제목 없음
osymsonuclarin
ÖSYM Sonuçları
archaeoangel
Arkeo.Lypto