Waking up crying because after 2 years of grinding and understudying I was called back to play a real lead for a renowned director (me out of 3 girls total) and I lost the role to a girl who just auditioned here for the first time. The worst part is that I am also her understudy for the show before that!

About Paul Mescal: I personally didn’t like how and when exactly he spoke about such a problem as increasing fame. He himself is not so well known now, only those who follow cinema and actors know him, and just his next project - Gladiator 2 can make him known to the general public. But this film has not yet been released, there is always a possibility that the project may fail, there is already information that the film’s budget has been exceeded, so I am not sure that it will be able to collect normal box office receipts. Such statements about the influence of fame always cause people to have a strange attitude towards it; as an actor, you may be perceived as ungrateful and arrogant. Even when Tom spoke about this, many people also treated it strangely, although it is a fact that Tom is very popular. After his words about the influence of fame, how he doesn’t want it, some wrote - why did he agree to the role of Spider-Man, forgetting that it was literally the role of his dreams and he was 18-19 years old at the time of casting. Moreover, Tom confirms his words with his actions - he really almost never attends award ceremonies, left social networks, took a break, he doesn’t attend events like the Met Gala (and it’s unlikely that he ever will), and now he’s going to take part in a play . I think choosing the theater was a definite step as a challenge to myself, a new experience and again choosing a project that will attract a strong influence (how ironic that this play attracted too much attention - first with sales, and then with the casting of actors). Honestly, at some point, because of these words about fame, I thought that Tom would really move away from acting, but I think that in the coming years he will definitely not participate in a new project like remakes or like Unchanged.

Paul needed to wait a little, see how Gladiator 2 would affect his career and level of fame, and express his feelings about this in a different way - and so he wants to show himself as an actor who wants to act, and not be famous, but for such statements you need specific time and actions

Wait.... I'm trying to figure out your logic Anon, because I'm not understanding.... And then one minute you're talking about Paul, and then, the next minute, you're talking about Tom... 🤔

Paul was speaking in the context of what might happen once his Gladiator 2 film comes out.

It's no secret that "Gladiator 2" will be the biggest film in his career (thus far), and will more than likely catapult him into a different fame level bracket, whether his film does huge box office numbers or NOT. (I predict that it will)

This was literally all that Paul said:

X

I don't see the big deal?? 🤷🏾‍♀️ I think ANY actor would be feeling the pressure when it's their first lead role in a large film such as this.

It sounds like he's trying to prepare himself for what's to come once the film starts getting promo, a press tour, various premieres, and finally comes out to theaters.

I don't think it's so farfetched to think that his life MIGHT change fairly significantly (like most actor's do) when he's in a lead role for a pretty HUGE film, with actors such as Denzel Washington and Pedro Pascal also on the roster. 🤔

He was being honest about how he feels about that possibility. He reiterates also in the interview that he is still very much an indie film type of guy. But this was a great opportunity for him, so I'm glad that he took it on, but having your life be more scrutinized with higher fame isn't smthg that most actors enjoy.😕

Even Tom has talked about this downside himself as well.

No doubt, Paul has either seen for himself, or ppl have told him how an increase in fame can affect your private life. So I think he's just bracing for that. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I didn't view it as arrogance?

Now that you somehow mentioned it I’d love to know how you’d see tom and his personality evolving, like how he would behave 8-10 years later(whether it’s in a canon or non-canon setting)! Bc i have my very own interpretation of late-teen/young adult sawyer and I love to know other opinions abt this kind of stuff— (btw I already read and loved some of your fanfics (those where he isn’t ded lol) so I have an overall idea but i love annoying ppl)

okay okay so...i have a LOT of thoughts about tom’s personal character development both in canon, and what it might lead to in the future.

this is all gonna seem like an unnecessary summary of tom’s character, but it’s all leading up to a point i sWEAR LMAO.

i think conspiracy could serve as a huge catalyst for tom’s character development, among other things. throughout the sequel novels, he continued to worm his way out of situations he deliberately put himself and others into multiple times, mostly by his own cleverness, while always making a big show of it. the more he proves himself in the public eye, the more he wants to do it again and becomes willing to create dangerous problems just to do so. he shows the town time and time again how smart he is, how special he is, how promising his future will be. in conspiracy, tom doesn’t impress the town in court with his detective skills, like he’s done so often before. it’s not another opportunity for him to show off, the way he wanted it to be. instead he makes himself look like a liar when confessing his harebrained schemes, because everyone knows none of it makes any sense at all, and so far tom has been nothing but a beacon of intelligence and common sense in their eyes. he becomes speechless and cries about all the ways his stupid mistakes have made jim suffer, and he’s gone too far this time to fix it. he humiliates himself publicly. just as tom’s rise to glory in st. petersburg was always a public matter (like he tried to make it), so is his downfall.

he got such a big head from all this past “”success”” that he truly believes it’s impossible for him to fail. once he does, he panics, loses all of his self-assurance, and tries to get jim out of the trouble he got him into the fastest, most straightforward way possible. tom, the one who is constantly lording his intelligence over huck’s head and scolding him for being a “saphead,” desperately tells huck that he wishes he had just listened to him instead of going after glory, that he was an idiot for playing with fire. it’s obvious that the events in conspiracy have taken a huge toll on tom’s arrogance and pride, and one can only hope that he won’t mess up the same way again after this.

warning, this take on tom’s character has a LOT of sawyerberry. another catalyst for tom’s growth could be huck leaving st. petersburg. i think it’s safe to say that although tom loves huck as his best friend, he takes his friendship for granted. huck needs to get out of town, find himself to gain more confidence and make relationships outside of tom so that he’s not so codependent on him. tom needs to realize just how much huck doesn’t need him, how much huck can thrive outside of st. petersburg and without tom. huck has always been a compassionate, generous person, and tom needs to become more appreciative of all the traits he dismissed before.

also, huck influencing tom to think outside of society’s set of rules that he, for the most part, is so stuck in. huck influences tom to adopt more abolitionist sentiments. strictly speaking in a romantic sense, the realization that tom might have feelings for huck causes him to go through the very long, difficult process of struggling to accept what he feels and decide whether he’s going to stay inside his comfort zone, where it is safe, or leave it and everyone inside. him realizing he just might be part of a marginalized group of people, a group of people that a christian town like his would find the feelings he feels, that he didn’t ask for, despicable, could be a huge wake-up call.

basically i feel that through nothing but fate (and huck) humbling tom a LOT could he go down a much better path than if he just continued to make a great name for himself all the time in st. petersburg. always staying within the comfortability of his hometown and having everyone inside of it think so highly of him all the time isn’t a challenge to tom’s worst personal flaws. going against the grain of society alongside huck just might be though.

in the end i just think of a young adult tom as someone who is still too proud at times for his own good, still gets wound up too easily over good literature. but instead he moons over books within the strict safety net of his brain. he’s just as clever and cunning and capable as he has ever been, but through years and years of reflection and the very difficult process of bettering himself, he decides he doesn’t want to go to the country’s greatest law school, or become judge thatcher’s apprentice, or president! he doesn’t feel the need for the same glory he used to!! he just wants to be with huck, and so they live in a humble house on the countryside, where they’re afforded some privacy.

he’s still himself, still a somewhat deeply flawed guy. but he’s trying to be better.

TW: talking about eating disorder, self harm, bulimia, and suicidal thoughts under the read more.

I don't think I have ever seen my self worth in being thinner or how pretty I looked even though most if the times I felt bad about my weight and the way I looked.

What has always bothered me about my eating habits is that I am a junk food binge eater when I am depressed. I am sad. I am leading a life that I firmly believe that I didn't deserve. I see people half of my intelligence/knowledge/supposedly beauty (strangely, I have always been called beautiful even tho I have never believed it) are leading better lives in better situations and opportunities. I got to know myself too late and meanwhile I made huge life altering decisions which I recognize as tremendous mistakes now. Only way out of this situation is to destroy some people's lives along with my own and I don't want that even though I can't accept the situation am in either. So, how do I deal with this?

By binge eating crap.

I know I am literally ruining myself this way. Maybe it is a reflection of my self destruction tendency. I used to cut myself or drink or smoke three packages in the past. Last ten or so years I can't do these because i don't have the money anymore and people around me can easily figure out what I am doing to my body. I don'twant to deal with explaining myself to ppl who i know won'tunderstand. It is no longer a vompelling urge anymore either. So, I have found another way.

Currently, after losing 10 kgs, I am going through another binge eating phase. I am even eating shit that I am not craving. I am eating them just because they are in my pantry and I know once I start restriction phase, I will miss the taste/smell even though sugar literally no longer tastes just as good or even satisfies the craving.

I don't even know what I am craving anymore. I tell myself I should eat less and do 500 calories work outs so that I can maybe lose 20 kgs and feel better about myself and look better too. But then my depression settles in and I think why bother? Why look good? Why get healthier when your mom and dad (who are the only people who actually loves you) will no longer be with you in 10-15 years time possibly. Nobody else loves you like they do.... Dad has cancer. Mom has lots of heath and lung issues... I have people around me, yes. But I don't think they give a damn. I really don't have anything to look forward to and I actually prefer to die in 15-20 years instead of living and seeing my 80s.

It is worthless. I have never managed to find worth in my life and I am aware nobody has ever managed to instill enough will in me to look for it.

I will stop the binge eating soon. I am counting my morsels, my meals. (Barely keeping myself from going to the bathroom and trying to vomit it all out. I am not doing it because I can't throw up easily.) Then I will restrict and be even more unhappy as I struggle to hold on while also being hungry.

God help me, I don't want this life.

This isn't necessarily abt LSZ, byt it annoys me when ppl are like " you must forgive the ppl who wronged you in order to be a good person"

Bcs some were raised passive, some are used to letting go, and learning to love yourself enough to be angry abt what happened is a rlly important and powerful message

I won't argue abt canon, bcs i have fic for it, but, as healthy as it is, it's also frustrating. LSZ has never been shown as a particularly assertive person, and him being angry at what happened would have been satisfying and shown that he's learned the lesson of not tearing yourself down for other's comfort ( which is more WWX to learn than his tbh, but whateves)

JL, on the other hand, who's angry and assertive and doesn't listen to anyone, him choosing to forgive and forget ( WWX) feels more powerful narratively, bcs it's an active choice, not something that's been trained into him, he chose to let go of the anger before to be more happy

So yeah, I've seen a lot of arguments, but i think this is what boils down to. We want passive characters, those who stood and suffered to get angry and validated, because so few of us ever get the chance to

Except... here's the thing. LSZ didn't learn to "tear himself down for others' comfort". He's a peacemaker, yes, he tries to resolve fights, yes, but that's just because he's the sort of person who prefers peaceful resolutions. Come on, that kid was raised by LWJ. I don't doubt for a second he was spoiled rotten. I think people forget that someone preferring to be quiet and gentle isn't the same as being passive; LSZ doesn't assert himself because... well, he doesn't particularly want to. He lets LJY do it for him, most of the time. I have on multiple occasions seen people insisting there's something wrong with LSZ/WWX and LWJ's parenting because LSZ doesn't like to start fights over things that don't matter at the end of the day, and like... there's nothing wrong with being the type to forgive others and let things go, so long as it isn't taken into doormat territory. LSZ chooses to forgive the Lans for their part in his family's deaths, because the Lans a) played a pretty small part on balance and b) have raised and protected him with love and care his entire life when they didn't actually have to do that; I'd argue that's just as powerful as JL forgiving WWX. It's just quieter. And LSZ does assert himself; he's just quiet about it. He doesn't shout like JL does, but he doesn't let himself be ignored either! Remember, it's LSZ who keeps the juniors from making a huge thing about LWJ tying WWX up with the forehead ribbon; the fact that he did it with a smile on his face and without ever raising his voice doesn't make that not assertive! In fact he seems to be the leader of the multi-sect duckling contingent; they all listen to him, even JL at least some of the time (which is more than most people get). Assertiveness and aggression are not synonymous.

So I guess what I'm saying is... why is it that JL is seen as assertive when he shouts and cries but can never get people to do what he wants (he can't even get LJY to stop calling him 'young mistress'!), while LSZ is seen as passive when he actually does get people to do what he wants without ever raising his voice? Why are screaming, crying tantrums (I love JL but. they are tantrums) assertive while calmly taking control of the group and leading them down the path you've decided is passive? Why should LSZ have to scream his anger to the heavens for it to be real? He's not angry at LWJ and WWX, because why would he be? He's not angry (or at least not more angry than anything else) at the Lans, because they're the family that raised him well. Why does it follow that he's not angry at the people actually responsible, people he never talks to and so has no opportunity to openly tear down for causing his family's deaths? And remember, LSZ temporarily leaves the sect to travel with WN (which he as a disciple would've had to get permission to do, by the way; I'd argue that going to LQR and saying "Hey, I'm gonna fuck off to Qishan with my fierce corpse uncle to learn more about my birth family" counts as asserting yourself!); it's partly to learn about his birth family, but I don't doubt he also wanted time to think about things away from the Lans.

You say his "passivity" is something LSZ was trained into, but... come on, look at the Lans. These are the most stubborn assholes in all the sects. They wouldn't be teaching him to be passive, they'd be teaching him to keep his cool while verbally eviscerating his enemies. He was raised to be polite and to show his elders the deference due to their age and experience; that doesn't make him passive. The only time we see him being anything close to passive is when Madam Mo is hurling insults at him, and I'd say that's more "customer service" than any actual passivity. He's expected not to make demands of his elders (hence why he doesn't go off on JC beyond the bounds of "Hanguang-jun says"), but I say again: he's clearly the social leader of his group. He's not passive, he just follows the example of his uncle (who once got two men who hated each other to swear oaths of brotherhood to make him happy; it wasn't a wise move in the long run, but it's impressive he got as far as he did!) and gets what he wants through diplomacy, rather than being intimidating enough to force people to do what he wants.

I... don't actually know where I'm going with this. I guess I just get annoyed whenever people talk like there's something wrong with LSZ (usually something about him being too passive) when... he's probably one of the mentally healthiest characters in the whole cast! This boy was raised well among people who love and care for him and because of that he's doing really well! He doesn't yell and cry when things don't go his way like JL because he was raised in an environment where he was treated with respect as a person, and he forgives the Lans not because he's been raised to passively take whatever's done to him as deserved (like WWX) but because he loves them, because they earned that love by being good to him. Why should that be seen as passive just because he doesn't yell about it?

                *     𝖌𝖗𝖊𝖊𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘   .    y’all  ever  wondered  what  an  actual  angel  looks  like ?  lemme  point  y’all  in  the  direction  of  oNE  zendaya  coleman ,  blessing  to  humans  everywhere . i’m  taking  the  torch  from  ares  n  her  beautiful  rendition  to  try  and  keep  this  lil  goddess  on  the  dash  in  the  form  of  my  darling  soft  sarcastic  fool , 𝒃𝒍𝒖𝒆 𝒔𝒕 . 𝒋𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔 !  

  ⋆  ╰  another   year  at  hollingsworth  ,  another  year  of  the  big  six rivalry  .  i  hear  that  BLUE  ST.  JAMES is  ensuring  CHI MU OMEGA  gets  a  solid  pledge  class  and  stays  at  the  top  of  the  ranks  .  oh  ,  you’re  not  familiar  with  HER  ?  BLUE  is  the  ZENDAYA  look  alike  from  SEATTLE , WASHINGTON  .  a part  of  PC  ‘16  ,  she  is  majoring  in  HISTORY  and  has  plans  to  AUDITION  FOR  THE  AMERICAN  BALLET  THEATER  AND  REBUILD  HER  CRUMBLING  DANCE  CAREER after  undergrad  .  it  makes  sense  they  pledged  their  house  ,  their  SHARP-WITTED  &  ASSIDUOUS   attributes  make  them  perfect  matches  .  however  ,  their  ACQUIESCENT  &  OBSESSIVE  attributes  keep  their  name  alive  on  greek  rank  .  if  you  don’t  catch  them  dancing  to  SUPERMODEL  -  SZA  at  a  fraternity  band  party  this  year  ,  you’ll  be  sure  to  catch  them  nursing  their  morning  hangover  at  THE  CHI O  HOUSE  .  cheers  to  another  wild  semester !

⋆  ╰    𝑺  𝑻  𝑨  𝑻  𝑰  𝑺  𝑻  𝑰  𝑪  𝑺   .

𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍        𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 :         blue    ocean    st . james   𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬         :        i  applaud  u  if  u  can  make  a  nickname  out  of  “ blue “ 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆        /        𝒂𝒈𝒆 :        september    3rd  ,    twenty  -  one  𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄         :        virgo 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓        𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚        /        𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔         :         cisfemale    identifying        with        she   /  her   /   hers    pronouns           𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏         :         openly    pansexual    ,  panromantic 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏        :           student   at   hworth   majoring    in    history     (   with   a   focus   in   the  history   of   art    and    literature    )  and    minoring   in    african  -  american  studies   ,    aspiring    pro   ballerina   𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔        𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆        :        hufflepuff 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏        𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒅        𝒃𝒚         :       amy   from  booksmart   (  !!!!  ) ,  rory   gilmore    from  gilmore   girls   ,    stiles   stilinski   from  teen  wolf    (  !!!!!!!!! )   ,  grace  cardinal  &   cam  saunders  from  degrassi .��      𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔      :        -        melancholic  ,    overly-critical   ,    obsessive   , neurotic ,  teeteringly  non-confrontational   ,    astray   , acquiescent  ,  craven

         +                benevolent    , magnanimous    ,  tactful ,  inventive   ,   perfectionist ,   steadfast ,  sharp-witted   ,   rigorous  ,  assiduous  , sympathetic  

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑻  𝑬  𝑪  𝑬  𝑫  𝑬  𝑵  𝑻 .

my  concept  was  that  her  mom  ,  sonya  ackerman  ,  was  a  world-renowned  ballerina  ,  like  one  of  the  first  on  the  east  coast  and  had  a  massive  studio  that  took  off  in  seattle  as  one  of  the  premier  ballet  academies  for  dancers  of  color !her  dad  ,  theodore  st.  james  ,  was  a  criminal  prosecutor  training  to  become  an  assistant  district  attorney  in  georgia  ,   but  would  commute  out  to  washington  bc  obv  blue’s  mom  isn’t  gonna  just  abandon  what  she  worked  so  hard  to  build  .  her  parents  were  a  rather  stable  couple  ,  but  blue  can  easily  admit  what  a  piece  of  work  her  mom  was  and  the  fucking  number  she  did  on  those  around  her

part  of  pushing  so  hard  for  success  meant  having  a  lot  to  lose  ,  and  sonya  made  that  the  driving  point  of  not  just  her  life  ,  but  her  only  child’s  ,  a  bright-eyed  baby  girl  with  a  gaze  as  pensive  and  thought-provoking  as  the  color  she  was  named  after  .  blue  ocean  was  a  miracle  ,  a  gentle (  but  rather  prone  to fixating  )  soul  from  the  moment  her  curls  came  into  the  light  of  this  world  ,  and  was  her  father’s  pride  since  the  moment  he  held  her  .  suddenly  commutes  were  that  much  harder  ,  the  tension  of  having  a  marriage  and  a  daughter  only  on  the  weekends  and  being  left  a  stranger  to  your  own  child  all  because  of  your  wife’s  unyielding  stubbornness  really  did  a  number  on  theodore  which  led  to  the  eventual  demise  of  their  marriage  :/

blue  doesn’t  remember  much  leading  up  to  the  divorce  ,  but  she’s  smart  enough  to  recognize  her  dad  didn’t  just  up  and  leave  out  of  nowhere  .  he  later  tells  her  he  was  sure  he’d  get  at  least  shared  custody  ,  but  the  courts  surprisingly  ruled  in  sonya’s  favor  with  no  rational  logic  behind  it  other  than  her  claim  of  motherhood  .  being  raised  with  the  world’s  weight  on  her  shoulders  hugely  influenced  blue’s  personality  ,  ballet  being  the  only  thing  she  remembers  as  a  constant  in  her  life  .  never  one  to  lash  out  ,  blue  took  the  oppressive  upbringing  as  an  opportunity  to  prove  herself  —  maybe  this  wasn’t  her  dream  ,  but  she  was  a  perfectionist  obsessed  with  control  ,  and  she’d  take  whatever  path  her  mother  put  her  on  and  do  a  damn  good  job  at  it .

highschool  was  highschool  and  she  was  gone  almost  as  soon  as  she  had  arrived  ,  graduating  with  only  enough  friends  that  she  could  count  on  her  hand  ,  and  whisked  off  to  the  city  in  which  she  had  heard  in  countless  of  her  mother’s  nostalgic  throw-back  stories  growing  up  ,  attending  julliard’s  prestigious  ballet  program  as  if  to  honor  her  late  mother’s  legacy  at  her  alma  mater .  

excelling  through  classes  ,  nailing  audition  after  audition  for  a  coups  de  ballet  role  but  never  a  principal  ,  blue  builds  her  reputation  among  the  new  york  dance  scene  with  grace  and  humility  ,  inching  her  way  towards  her  ultimate  goal  of  the  american  ballet  theater  as  paved  by  misty  copeland  ,  the  only  hero  who  even  compares  to  her  mother  in  blue’s  eyes  .  she’s  just  a  few  more  well-timed  performances  away  from  the  life  she’s  always  envisioned  ,  until  a  sudden  phone  call  flips  her  life  on  it’s  head  .  she  hasn’t  addressed  her  mother’s  passing  ,  nor  its  details  ,  and  it’s  unlikely  a  person  with  such  an  emotionally  reserved  disposition  such  as  herself  will  ever  really  come  around  to  processing  it  out  loud  .  the  news  hits  halfway  through  sophomore  year  and  she  makes  it  until  finals  week  before  she  spends  a  week  in  the  hospital  ,  unravelled  and  unhinged  ,  dehydrated  from  her  sobs  and  weak  from  her  inability  to  keep  food  down  due  to  an  unrelenting  anxiety  she’s  never  known  quite  like  this  .  this  subtle  childhood  nature  of  fixation  and  perfection  manifests  as  a  full  blown  obsessive  compulsive  disorder  diagnosed  during  her  psych  eval  ,  releasing  her  with  a  script  and  a  recommendation  to  go  somewhere  where  she’s  got  a  support  system  .

hu  ,  only  a  half  hour  drive  from  her  father’s  firm  and  the  current  school  of  her  childhood  best  friend  ,  receives  an  application  days  later  ,  declaring  an  interest  in “ a  change  of  pace  from  the  world  of  ballet  and  an  interest  in  their  world-renowned  history  program .  ” she  gets  sucked  into  the  greek  world  without  truly  meaning  to  ,  wandering  aimlessly  through  her  new  life  as  she  auditions  for  different  ballet  troupes  and  bombs  each  attempt  .  feeling  empty  ,  distant  ,  and  the  impending  sense  of  personal  failure  ,  her  new  sisters  in  chi  mu  omega  give  her  a  constant  push  of  go-go-go  to  fill  her  days  with  a  distraction  from  her  thoughts  .  senior  year  rounds  its  head  ,  and  blue  wants  to  spend  it  pushing  herself  to  return  to  her  former  glory  ,  eyeing  the  next  year’s  productions  at  the  american  ballet  theater  and  her  dream  to  once  again  reach  the  point  she  receives  an  invitation  to  audition  .  she’s  not  quite  sure  if  this  will  fill  the  void  in  her  heart  ,  a  void  she’s  sure  she’s  known  nearly  her  whole  life  ,  but  she’s  got  nothing  prepared  in  her  back  pocket  ,  so  it’s  really  ,  at  this  point  ,  all  she  has  left  .

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑨  𝑳  𝒀  𝑺  𝑰  𝑺  .

for  a  lil  personality  blurb  ,  my  renditions  of  blue  have  always  been  really  soft  and  nuturing  and  i  want  to  keep  an  element  of  that  ? she’s  a  gentle  soul  and  part  of  that  absolutely  stems  from  her  upbringing  bc  her  mom  was  ..  .  .  .  not  a  nice  lady  lmao  .  but  somehow  ,  between  her  mom  at  home  and  then  her  mom  in  the  ballet  studio  ,  it  just  made  blue  more  compassionate  ?  she’s  admittedly  a  little  intimidating  ,  and  her  defense  mechanism  has  become  a quick  wit  that  manifests  most  amusingly  in  her  sarcasm  .  the  world  can’t  hurt  u  if  u  make  fun  of  it  first  ,  right ! i  also  wanted  to  sprinkle  in  a  little  bit  of  doe-eyed  buffoon  which  i  think  fits  in  well  with  her  whole  quiet  type  persona  ,  so  her  humor  deviates  into  goofiness  that  also  occasionally  manifests  as  an  awkward  as  shit  interaction  if  she’s  feeling  a  little  off ( as  in  :  the  bitch  has  a 50/50  shot  of  delivering  a  SEARING  burn  or  stammering  so  hard  she  ends  up  rlly  just  roasting  herself  :/  it’s  a  mystery  to  see  what  u’ll  end  up  w  when  it  comes  to  blue  ,  sigh )

delving  in  a  little  deeper  ,  even  if  she  seems  like  this  sarcastic  scattered lowkey  dork ,  who  gives  the  illusion  she’s  mellow  and  unbothered  ,  she’s  a  severe  overthinker  and  any  convo  longer  than  about  10  minutes  will  yield  to  the  fact  that  blue  is  constantly  stressed  the  FUCK  out about  the  smallest  things  .  she’s  really  observant  and  has  an  uncanny  ability  to  clock  ppl  ,  which  would  make  her  QUITE  the  devilish  fiend  to  exploit  ppl’s  weaknesses  but  alas  ,  for  a.  she  does  not  give  a  shit  abt  anything  enough  to  treat  people  cruelly  and b.  does  not  have  enough  braincells  to  spare  from  her  stress  and  misery  to  be  fiendish  and  manipulative  KSDJFKJSDHF  this  makes  her  a  really  great  person  to  tell  secrets  to  bc  literally  who  the  FUCK  is  she  gonna  tell ?  is  her  argument  n  lowkey !  she  right ! SDFHSKDHF  

contrary  to  what  her  performance  background  may  lead  many  to  believe  ,  she  really  is  not  fond  of  being  at  the  forefront  of  attention  and  feels  more  comfortable  lingering  in  the  background  ,  minding  her  own  business ,  and  staying  in  her  lane  so  catch  her  being  all  but  INVISIBLE  to  the  greek  rank  blog  !  her  critical  struggle  in  life  is  her  obsessive  personality  ,  deeply  rooted  in  the  trauma  of  being  riased  with  the  unyielding  expectation  for  absolute  perfection  .  she  has  a  hard  time  letting  go  and  comes  close  to  having  a  meltdown  if  things  in  her  world  arent  completely  under  her  control  (  as  exemplified  by  the  mental  breakdown  faced  during  the  most  stressful  time  in  her  life  .  )  she’s  incredibly  hard  on  herself  and  really  ,  truly  is  lost  as  to  who  she  is  without  the  fixation  of  perfection  in  her  life  .  this  is  incredibly  curious  due  to  her  selective  nature  —  in  terms  of  grades  ,  she’s  only  slightly  above  average  ,  and  is  rarely  interested  in  being  competitive  with  other  people  .  it’s  almost  exclusively  a  competition  with  herself  regarding  the  most  interesting  and  unassuming  things  : especially  considering  that  ballet  ,  her  whole  life’s  work  and  effort  ,  isn’t  even  her  PASSION  .  on  the  low  ,  she  kinda  hates  dance  culture  ,  especially  the  ridigity  of  ballet  !  like  bitch  wha t  the  FU C K  are  u  working  so  hard  on  it  for  ?  n  that’s  one  of  her  major  fears  ,  deviating  from  what  she  knows  and  pursing  her  true  passions  ,  because  at  least  with  ballet  ,  she  knows  it  and  she  knows  she’s  naturally  exceptional  — something  she  can’t  guarantee  with  her  true  passions  ( yet  tbd  but  have  something  to  do  with  art  history    !  ) and  would  rather  not  pursue  if  the  option  of  failure  ,  aka non-perfection ,  is  something  she’d  have  to  face  .

hcs  : she  doesn’t  drive  bc  she  doesn’t  have  her  license  as  she  has  rlly  bad  test  anxiety  and  ate  shit  all  4  times  she  tried  to  take  it  (  suffice  the  implication  of  her  failure  rests  in  the  sulking  pout  she  wore  for  about  2  weeks  straight  as  she  refused  to  try  again  a  5th  time )  ,  is  an  on  and  off  vegetarian  and  HATES  herself  for  it  ,  usually  that  friend  who’s  goin  “  i’m  not  sure  about  this  guys  ..  .  ..  ”    while  still  allowing  herself  to  get  dragged  into  shenanigans  ,  hates  her  own  drama  n  avoids  it  but  wants  to  BATHE  in  the  tea  of  those  goin  on  around  her  sdfsdfs  ,  goes  to  bed  at  9:30  on  the  dot  so  parties  are  oft  a  STRUGGLE  ,  has  strong  mom  friend  energy  despite  barely  being  able  to  manage  herself  ,  is  a  nerd  n  knows  it  yet  uses  nerd  as  an  insult  ,  cannot  cook  for  her  LIFE  ,  and  a  lil  pinterest  board  is     here   ! oh  !  and  she  does  NOT   fuck  w   being  touched  unless  u  get  her  express  approval !!!

plots  :  i  didnt  think  i  would  get  this  far  in  one  go  so  hit  me  up  on  dis/cord  for  my  list  of  plots  that  im  abt  to  pull  out  of  my  ass  ;))))

Everyone is making a house call to Grissom, where we're y'all when Sara was here lol? And now noone is there to make him soup or shave him apparently :(( *no but srsly, why is everyone sick this episode? Was there some kind of an epidemy on set or sth? *It's Sara calling right? His face just light up)) I'm glad they stay in touch *wait, are those Mythbusters?? Too many nights those crazy dudes kept me company. Fun times... *Where's Sophia? I feel like I haven't seen her in a while... *Warrick 😿

This ep is a goldmine for domestic!Grissom!! cooking, wandering around in pjs and robe, taking care of his dog, and desperately trying but failing to escape visitors & adventures like some reincarnation of Bilbo Baggins.

I guess if a show is on air long enough, it’s almost inevitable to have an episode where the flu or a cold - or a musical event - strikes our faves. I tend to enjoy those eps and this one is no exception. Yes, your eyes weren’t deceiving you, those guest nerds in the lab were Adam and Jamie (CSI has on- and off-screen ties to the Discovery Channel), and oh YES that’s def Sara calling at the end. It’s enough to look at Griss stretch out on the couch after he answers the phone. I think if you lean close, you can hear him purring ;)))) And I kept thinking about it, but rn I honestly cannot recall what happens to Sofia. I think she just… idk… drops out of the story at some point?? and Warrick, yeah… now his departure is something else, like

9x01. How can I even… I AM NOT OKAY!!! Jesus I can’t even formulate anything… They’re all so close… Family… How can I ever be fine after seeing Grissom’s face?? When he just crumbled… Losing someone after allowing them to become that close, I don’t know how to… I’m not ok, with any of this… Glad Sara is there (even more beautiful than before, that’s just not fair) God I’m such a mess. I didn’t even like him all that much but Nicky loved him, and I can’t see him cry! And Gris… JC

What you said, anon. I’m not familiar w/ the specifics of the off-screen events that forced the writers to come up w/ an exit for Warrick/GD, but boy did they manage to make it CRUEL and PAINFUL. but also meaningful, imo. Warrick once called Grissom a robot for never emoting like a “normal” human being, and here we have this “robot” saying the L word out loud and openly breaking down and literally clinging to him in an entirely irrational and desperately emotional, futile human act to keep him alive… yeah, I’m w/ you 1000%: I AM NOT OKAY!!!

9x02. “who are we talking about right now?” A-a-and there is my Sara from first few seasons! God I love that woman. So brave, and strong, standing up for what she believes in, unwilling to talk riddles and play mind games. Just say it straight to her. Kind of understand Grissom too though… This whole thing is so damn sad… Oh and that pillow talk was so tender and quiet, so them…

They’ve been doing this thing ever since they started dating - whenever one makes an observation or drops a remark about a victim or a scene they happen to process, the other is like “okay, is that supposed to be about us?” and it’s never 100% clear. Work and private stuff has been bleeding together w/ them for a while and it is finally starting to make waves in a way that not even Grissom can remain immune to it.

9x05. Why does this show insists on fucking me up this season??! I can’t see them suffer anymore! He’s like a fish out of the water the whole episode… I’m a bit conflicted though. Sara left because she couldn’t take that job anymore and I totally get it, but did she expect him to just follow her? I mean it just doesn’t seem like him at all. Yes he belongs by her side but she moves around, he should have just upended his whole life, without any kind of plan? Perhaps I need to sleep on it tho…

905 is like exhibit A of why I love Lady Heather episodes - she cuts through Griss like no other, and this time there’s a clear overlap btw case and private life. LH’s sugarcoat-free remarks are relevant to both, helping Grissom unpack (or more like rip open) some of his own private mess and climb off the fence he’s been sitting on. I do understand your conflict, I was the same way at first, but then I came to the same conclusion you did below:

9x08. You damn right it’s time to up the ante! This girl is the right girl!! Ugh… 9x09. If Sara was here, she’d help you with that last word… Just saying… *omg is he for real? (I know he is, I’m just really emotional omg) *fly-fishing) his mind is already off of work)) he has been quite distracted lately though. This whole thing is a long time coming. Perhaps all he needed was that push from Sara… *man I love Bill Irwin! Which reminds me, have you watched Legion this year?

(After reading the summary, Legion instantly went on my watchlist, anon, but I haven’t seen it yet.)

Exactly, it’s been a long time coming and that’s why I think Sara was not out of line with her hope - or maybe even reasonable expectation? - that he’d start a brand new chapter with her away from the lab. Most of this relationship happens off-screen, so I can only offer guesswork, but we can find some telltale breadcrumbs leading up to these final episodes.

Grissom already starts displaying burnout signs in S7 + he starts dropping comments about how ppl no longer really need him in the lab anymore. He is not bitter, mind you, he is genuinely proud of the team he’s trained/mentored, but this also means that he becomes - as he tells Warrick - a teacher w/o students who feels increasingly aimless, unfulfilled and even drained after having spent 25+ years wading through the (literal and figurative) cesspools of humanity. I think the combination of developing burnout and unfulfillment is why he grabs at the opportunity to leave for a month and teach a seminar as far away from Vegas as possible, and I don’t think it goes unnoticed by Sara. It is never said out loud (naturally), but she seemed to understand why he just up and left the same way Griss understood why she needed to leave in S8 despite each feeling miserable w/o the other. It’s a constant back-and-forth btw them, a drifting away then back again then away again, as they work through their individual baggage, and this “double pendulum” doesn’t stop until the very last episode of the show.

Uprooting one’s life is a huge ask, esp for someone like Grissom, but in this specific case I think it was a natural progression and would have happened anyway. Sara did not force him out of a pleasant, fulfilling life. He needed - wanted - to move on, he knew it was time, he just needed one more little push, like you said. Then he jumped in w/ both feet

and:

9x10. Oh Lord omfg this is… I… This is like a cinematic experience or something… Oh God his face the very moment he first saw her! Oh my sweet awkward nerdy boy, his eyes!! And that sigh! The smile! And those needy arms!! And Sara omg I just can’t… Yes that’s right just grab her and kiss her, talking’s overrated anyway!! OMG I saw the gifs but I didn’t realize how this scene will be… will make me feel… It’s just so… I’ll get back to you when I’m a bit more coherent, please stand by

So the girl he was heavily involved with for years even tho his best friend was in a thing with her and they were the last ppl to see him alive before he killed himself has now also killed herself.

First of all - all my jokes are fucking tasteless now I feel like I wished bad shit upon him and got what I wanted. That's super low and tasteless and shameful to myself. Like even if other ppl don't know it's gross if you do and like I get why I did it as well - I cope through tasteless humor. It's passive aggressive. It's not me at my best moments even though I think it's funny as fuck.

Secondly OMG I don't have the tools to cope with this. This has been a point in our relationship since the very beginning. I and many other girls put up with his attachment to this girl who actually wasn't super interested in him and introduced the idea of polygamy to him. She was known to be a bit of a rat and like.. Not well liked by anyone but him, in all seriousness. Like if I died i think ppl would say nice things - this could be like a shrug your shoulders thing for many people. I never met her. I put up with him telling me he always loved her and he would be with her again with his other wives and like you knew he was deeply into her but again, she showed little interest back.

The thing is me and her share a ton of similarities and could've gone the same as eachother if life's journeys handed us different opportunities. She had a neglectful home life. Her parents seemed disattached and overall uninterested in her because they were themselves drug addicts and alcoholics. I believe her mother married a new man and she seemed exposed to sex early, early on. She began drinking at 13 and her parents were quite cool and lenient which seemed to lead her obviously to partying and heavy drugs and casual sex. She was not well off nor were her parents and several times he told me she suffered from eating disorders and self harm, she seemed to potentially have prostituted herself at times and was inappropriately sexual in public to a point it made multiple people uncomfortable.

He sometimes told me we needed to meet because we'd get along. Many times I felt like perhaps because we shared alot of traumas and then deal with people like him.

I'm not saying he's the reason because he's not at all. If I died, he wouldn't be the reason. But people like him are people we encountered everyday. And she obviously suffered more ridicule than I did.

He said, "she was a flight attendant and had this and this going for her I don't understand"

You don't understand depression then. And people like you are people who depressed people encounter every fucking day. They are constantly expected to overcome and put on a show like becoming a flight attendant as a full blown drug addict. There a problem and it's a problem if you believed she was functional because she wasn't because she's dead.

Of course, I've spent days lamenting life. I shared with him my non existent will to live. I cried and he told me to get a job. You know, like her. She was a partial example of getting over your shit. But she wasn't at all. She was a hardcore drug addict. He ignored my cries for help, he mocked my depression, belittled my traumas and told me it was all such a burden on HIS life.

And then she dies.

Where do we go now?

And I feel selfish for at all making the death of a poor young drug addicted woman about myself in any way at all especially not knowing her. It's not my place to be involved at all in her death, I think not even in this mental capacity. She deserves the respect of not having randoms feel bullshit -esoecially selfish bullshit - on her death. At least. Like just let the person be now -especially now. I felt this about my mother. Here was a sick person. They were not well. No matter how much you wanted or perceived them to be they weren't well. And when you carry it for so long that's a dramatic burden on your being. Let their souls fucking rest. No more analyzing

But here I am. A moral piece of shit. Making it about myself.

How can I not? My first thought is wow I can't die. Not right now. Like I struggle every single day not wanting to die because I wake up and immediately I'm like fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. For a week the first thing I ingest in my body is smoke and I can't not fucking do it. Today it took me several SEVERAL hours to get out of bed. I accomplished showering. I responded to two messages of importance. I ate only because a friend bought me dinner. I have just sat. And I'm not even anxious about the fact I'm staring at a fucking wall for several hours. I'm almost content because why am I fucking here at all. Why does this world exist? Why is my life this way-? I know it's my journey but holy fuck is this journey extremely tragic. Not even like to me like even around me the tragedy which I've heard and seen is so enormous I can't even comprehend how people are convincing themselves this is all okay?

But now to make this choice among this tragedy - the legacy I leave is mostly hurt. It would've been painful before but to knowingly do something like that after this is so vicious and terrible. I would need years away from him before I did not lay huge guilt on him. And like no one deserves such levels of grief in this world because I know this pain and it's always painful when someone does but taking your own life is serious. I've never thought it wasn't. It creates immense issues for the people alive. My dad didn't even kill himself and I deal with issues but someone who does this so randomly and selfishly - really unbearable pain. You have to really deeply consider what you're doing and your personal pain has to be so fucking large that it's worth dispersing among others permanently while you disappear. And I totally get why people do it. And maybe she didn't kill herself. Maybe she overdosed and died accidentally. But is it an accident to be a drug addict? To lie to yourself your functioning when you drown in a bathtub?

He was overwhelmed with the options he had in front of him now. He "can't even come home". He doesn't want to go through the remembrance. We briefly agreed that we still wanted to talk to eachother. He told me he loved me and thanked me for taking his call.

I had nothing for him. Perhaps it dawned on him that he just created a situation I had no part of but now was dealing with gracefully and respectfully and in consideration to his feelings. But would still create an emotional impact on someone still struggling, regardless.

Because the whole fucking thing is so complex I have no idea how to handle this. I am almost actually worried that it will be a wake up call for him and he will change in a direction I might have "wanted" previously but obv under these circumstances... I don't know. Like someone had to die for that to happen and that doesn't make me feel good.

Maybe he never comes back. Maybe this is it now and he permanently moves to be away from all the memories.

Maybe he goes back on drugs. Goes to her funeral, gets caught up, does drugs and dies too.

It's hard, you know? Life is sick. I love this person. I want to be with this person long term. We are both so traumatized and under the radar so long that our separate bitterness turned towards each other and we both brought entire semi trucks full of baggage into this. I love him though. I have never loved someone like I've loved him. I never chose him out of desperation. He truly demonstrated a real care in his messed-up ways. Not like he carved my name in his arm but like struggling under huge anxiety and depression to demonstrate love to them and that was and is really hard to do especially consistently. He tried. He took me places I've never been just to show me. The love he has had for me is not something anyone else has ever had. No one else wanted to show me the world because they wanted me to see. I know the exact moment I fell deeply in love with him and we lived sometimes I romantic dream. If you cherry pick our best moments, it's beautiful. The fact two super fucked up ppl, a former drug addict and a mentally unwell person created beautiful moments is a feat on its own. These are times where both of us had to find a reason to live to give to one another something. They are deeply empowering moments of the pureness of life on this planet and I've never connected with anyone else that way but I still had like a deep first love with my Oshawa ex. I do love him. I still do. I won't stop but I'm not in love. And I will probably overcome this and create a new never before seen world with someone else and it won't belittle the unique beauty I shared with them.

I don't want to cut ties with him. It really hurts my soul to not be in contact with him regularly. It's not an obsession or compulsion - it really hurts because I love him.

But I also can't deal with this. It hurts that I legitimately have to continue to move forward in life and it's like obvious "the best thing to do" is "keep trying" for his sake so he's not dealing with it even though I really need love and support right now.

And now it's like a huge volatile gamble. Let's state the obvious. Will he attempt a solid relationship now that he's lost her? The one other person who might have had a sliver of affection towards him this way. I can't think about that in order to really be healthy. I can't invest because I hope this changes him. It's kind of rude.

Here's the totally crazy mystical out of my mind delusional theory:

I keep thinking that like a thing happened on the island. And maybe it's like I never felt these things before because I was disconnected and once I took the step to connect in like a spiritual way that perhaps things like began to attach themselves to me and accompany me on my journey and I think that maybe they affect things in life but you have to be actively open to what they're affecting. Like I felt I needed to sit at the aboriginal day thing and hear an elder speak and it wasn't like he gave me info but he like.. He gave me something deeper. And these native things keep coming up over and over and I don't feel more attuned I feel like its presenting itself to me and I'm choosing how to act and perceive. And I don't think they're angry with me or my life. I think they're trying to help me. And I guess in this fucked up way I feel like this was slightly on them. And like I think spiritually things are ambiguous - is it evil to do this? Did I attract evil things that did an evil thing? I think it's their existence and I think they don't have total control. Like they can't magically give you a phone call with all the things you wanted because so many things have to take place in other people's lives for that to work. I don't believe if any of this is remotely a thing that they would've killed her. Like went out and targeted her specifically to benefit my life. But I think for a brief moment in time, they flew through everyone's lives and reset the story. I think they can't decide who dies. Maybe not even when. But I think they can influence the journey of someone else and without malicious intent create brief moments in time with all their might and power in all the quantum physics that may solely only benefit the life of one person. "benefit" because if it's true I think it's a stark reminder that you're not always going to get what you wish for the way you wished for it. Perhaps "the only way" this would've worked is if she died and considering her life choices it's not unlikely it would've happened anyways, they just maybe rearranged the timeline. And I guess if true it's important to acknowledge that they may have taken time from someone else to give to me because of how deeply I wanted it without concern for others. That's an important power in this spiritual world to have and no guarantee. Like they just created a scenario, they didn't create the result. Whatever an individual chooses is up to them and it's not if we didn't get together they died in vein but that instead of focusing so much on what I want I should deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeply consider how much I want it and would I want someone else to literally die for it.

Maybe it "works out" (it doesn't, she's dead). Maybe he realizes that he fucked up with her and he has a chance to redeem himself still with me. Maybe he begins to see my true struggles. Maybe he decides life is too short and unpredictable to "wait for the farm" because people will literally die before it happens. Maybe he comes home and decides finally that we can live together (not right away). That we need each other.

How can it happen wrapped in her death? Plagued by her memories. Is it real? Is it just fear?

I'm still bitter. I can't turn it off. I said nothing, really. I don't know what to say. It's better in my experience to say nothing when everything you have is shit.

I guess now it's to wish for him to come home but I should specify alive. And not on drugs. Not insane. It's sad he's alone right now. It's sad he made that choice.

He's honestly been my reason to be alive for the past two years. He made life bareable. I don't know what to do with anything without him because my will to live is gone.

I guess I'm a selfish terrible person.

Episode Twelve - “Phoenix i just want u to know u that  i don't think of u just as an object to buy me things” - Tara

Tara

i'm genuinely rly sad about richie leaving. i wish i put in more effort to talk to him n b friends w him bcos he has such a fun character. what stopped me was i knew he thought i was a leaker and i just thought he wouldn't of wanted to b friends w me but i should've tried to make him want 2 b friends w me anyway lol i'm sorry richie u deserve better

Blake

HOLY MOTHER OF GARBAGE WE PULLED THAT OFF! LYNN AND TARA SAVED MY ASS TONGIHT! GIVING ERIC FAKE PROMISES FOR THE FUTURE! OMG IM SOO HAPPY WOW I HONESTLY THOUGHT MY BUTT WAS GOIN HOME OMG! WOWOWO ERIC WANTED ME OUT. goodluck phoenix and tim AND ERIC >:0 FINAL THREE ME LYNN AND TARA

Blake

o and i was scared earlier bc eric was talkin to lynn about gettin me voted out but lynn finessed the shit out of him! and then i was scared shitless bc raffy omg he does not enjoy me at all lmao! inhope me and him can make up after this game!

Blake

Lynn: My love. My sunshine. My better half. I will see you soon <3 You better win this effing game! Show everyone you are a threat. I love you and we were together from the beginning now finish this without me! Tara: OOOO Tara they have done me dirty! Fight in my memory! CONQUER THIS LAND <3 Fight like I know you can! I am going to miss you too though! This game better end soon lol Eric: OOOOOOO ERIC if im going home you must’ve flipped…. RIP. GREAT MOVE THOUGH I respect your gameplay from turning yourself into a threat instead of continuing to be a goat! Richie: I still think you’re a threat! I wish you the best of luck (you are going to need it bc look at all the amazing players left)! Pull some big moves make me love you! Give me more than humor I wanna see you kill and stab ahha! Phoenix: Where are you? Big move maybe? You planning to ride Richie to the end? Tim: Well played you got two big threats out simultaneously from flipping! Taking something from my book I see? LOL (I’m not being sarcastic btw) Everyone: OK ANYONE OF YOU CAN WIN THIS GAME! PULL SOME BIG MOVES, BLINDSIDE SOME PEOPLE, AND DON’T LET THIS GAME’S SNAKINESS DIE OUT! EVERYONE PLAY TILL THE VERY END TO WIN! THINK ABOUT WHO YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN AGASINT. MAKE SOME HUGE MOVES! IM SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO!

(what i wud of said if i went home tonight at the F7 tribal)

Eric K

That was a stressful lead up to tribal. Richie was really trying to convince me to flip but it just didn't feel right. Why would il allign myself with people I've barely talked to and just trust that I'm not on the bottom? Of course I realize that Blake is a huge threat and needs to go before f3 or he will be the winner. I had a good chat with Tara and Lynn separately and we all agree that he needs to go. Hopefully it'll happen in two tribals from now since he has an advantage/immunity that can only be used at next tribal.

Tim

So Raffy and JG voted for me? They really think I was playing some middle when in reality I was just being social and going into survival mode. Like Raffy I didn't even vote for you to go home so fuck off and JG you went home because of the blind round and you dont even have any proof that I voted for you so bye!

Blake

Hi yes Goodmorning. I woke up from my peacefull slumber and was INTERROGATED! TIM i guess was like ima ask who Blake wants  int the F3 and i was shook bc none o my allies were awake or off doing something to help me formulate a response... AND WELLL PEOPLES BLAKE IS NOT THE BEST AT JUST NOT RESPONDING OR GIVING A GOOD RESPONSE! TIM asked if i was takin tara and lynn to F3 or Tara and Eric (really cnfused bc i thought i was obvi i was takin lynn not matter what?) SO ME BEING THE GENIUS THAT I AM AND NOT REFUSING T RESPOND SAID "  Well i want to win so I wanan go with ppl who I think I can win against" in all honesty im scared if i said someting with names eric might freak or some shiz! bc i am taking tara and lynn. i know i could of lied and said im takin lynn and eric but that just sounds rude. you know taking? lol. oooo WELL NOW TIMMY IS PLEADING HIS CASE WITH ME. I REALY LIKE TIM TBH. PHOENIX IS THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHOO DOES NOT TALK TO ME OR TRY TO AT ALL ITS REALLY RUDE. BUT OMG THIS IS THE LORDS DAY AND IM FEELING ATTACKED

Blake

The lords day is Timmy's day today

Blake

I just had i thought. I think the winner of this game will either be more or whoever takes me out. (TIM) STAY AWAY. maybe it wont even be me and i think to highly of myself XD

Tim

The longevity of my game relies on these immunity results. If I win, I fight on to another round. If I lose then... well looks like I can't afford to lose.

Blake

OBVIOUSLY MY ASS HOLE IS GOING NEXT ! SOOOOOOOO WOW I HATE EVERYTHING AND NOT KNOWING WHAT THIS ADV WAS

Lynn

OHMYGODSHAHSBSB i feel like this vote is gonna go to rocks and that is gonna be rocks between 3 people and odds are not in my favor ajsjdn i have awful luck ohhhhh my god okay well honestly going out by rocks isn’t the worst way to go 

Blake

OMFG ok im like 99% sure that i am safe! bc i think tara and lynn will vote for tim! all we hav to do is get phoenix to flip! omg this is stressfull i hate i hate! WHY AM I BEING TARGTED ALL THE TIM OMG AHHHH! ERIC IM COMING AFTER UR ASSHOLE U BETTER WATCH OUT BUD U BETTER KEEP WIINNING OR U R GOING HOME!

Tara

omg so just got back from hanging out w phoenix n had a bunch of fun! we watched love simon and i had to try not to cry like 5 times, happy tears tho. also ijust remembered like a couple rounds ago i said that i would get phoenix to buy me ice cream and he offered but i said no!! and now i realised it ruined my whole thing n yikes! i guess the offer counts? and he also bought me m'n'ms which i am eating now n they r delicious. also phoenix i just want u to know u that  i don't think of u just as an object to buy me things HAHHAHA fbdksf i REALLY ENJOYED HANGING OUT WITH YOU!!! and i hope we do it again sometime soon!!!!! sorry for forgetting u're lactose intolerant like twice. but ya phoenix was super fun. hopefully this is the start of a new alliance!! i think this round i'm going to vote tim bcos i feel like it'll make f5 a lot more cruisier and less stressful for me than having to rely on lynn not flipping on me or anyone else not flipping on me. hopefully eric can win immunity again so we can vote out blake. it was rly weird talking about game with someone face to face? and like planning about it and stuff. idk thank u phoenix for the fun day out!! also I MADE F5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't believe i did that!!!!!!!!!!!!! woooh!!!

Eric K

I am so happy that I won two immunity challenges at once!! I chose the advantage hoping that this would be a good chance to take out Blake. Since I talked to Tara and Lynn about eventually cutting Blake out, I think this would be a good opportunity. I just hope he does not have some sort of advantage to screw this up...

Tim

So I lost the challenge and I'm not dissapointed in myself, Im just unhappy that I couldn't win the challenge when I most needed to. And now I'm in jeopardy.

Tim

So Eric pretty much nominated me and Blake up for elimination which sucks harddd. I guess I have new hope in the game. It sucks that he didn't just do Blake and Phoenix but I guess he considers us his biggest competition to win. 

Tim

So Ive been heavily campaigning to Tara and Eric but who knows how this will turn out. Hopefully Eric just lets me go to rocks.

Eric K

I am very frustrated that Tara is not willing to go for Blake. The things she's saying are making me think that she would rather keep Blake long term and is potentially just using me... Even with me voting Blake, the numbers wouldn't be there and I would be outing myself early on. I guess I just have to keep on winning immunity challenges and hope I am not being played.

Tara

omggg so the most awkward thign happened i tried to call tim bcos i felt rly bad that we hadn't talked all season and i genuinely rly like him n i just wanted to chat but he turned it into a plea session, idk why i didn't expect that, n then i just like waited it out until he stopped fkdfs and then he started talking 2 me about his day so yay but then he was like ok i'll go grab some food and i was like ok seeya tim sorry about everyhting n he was like so you are voting me? and i was like yaa i'm sorry and then it just got rly awkward and silent and he was just looking at his computer screen like looking like he was about to cry and it wasl ike FIFTEEN WHOLE SECONDS of like silence and oh my god. i am an awful person. i love u tim. i'm glad i voted him out bcos i don't rly trust eric all that much but it forces him to work w me now so he can vote out blake n lynn n then  i can hopefully take phoenix to f2 or convince eric to take me to f2. yayayyyay can u believe i'm here and i have a PLAN go me