#and i wish all endos a very die | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pluralcultureis · 7 months

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Plural culture is I just dont get it...why do endos want to be this? and why do people think others want or are faking all of this? Plural culture is I cant LIKE anything anymore. Plural culture is even if im ACTIVLY TRYING to not split and to ignore it all and just keep on keeping on and pretend my system isnt there I STILL split. I cant sit down and enjoy my day because my brain will take SOMETHING, ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A PERSON SOMETIMES and if I got enjoyment or even suffering out of it then its just THERE now and a part of me is missing. Plural culture is missing parts of yourself, loosing a skill or talent you loved that shaped who you were, forgetting the faces and voices of your loves ones, getting your memories rewriten for you, blinking and missing days or sometimes years. And thats just MY experience as host! Others in my system having to live their lives in the backseat, never being able to have one of their own or feeling like their hole point of existence is to make me happy or make sure we dont die. Sometimes I see how tired and drained the protectors are, how strung out the care takers are, the gatekeepers putting on a brave face for the good of the system to make us feel like maybe at least ONE of us has SOME kind of control only to find out that even they dont know everything or have control over it all. I see alters who are dating in our system wish and beg for a body just so they can hold hands like normal. Or others still who have had relationships outside the system wish they had a body independent of this one to go and be with who they want and do whatever they want. Its NOT all suffering and disorder yes of course and thats so very valid but like...even the most well adjusted systems deal with flashbacks, triggers, panic attacks I mean for fuck sake its not just some fun game or even a coping skill! Id RATHER NOT split or disassociate to be able to cope! Honestly id MUCH RATHER do things myself then switch but unfortunately I simply CANT no matter how much I want to! I HATE how low our split tolerance is because SPLITTING ISNT FUCKING FUN even when its painless! Even when its so subtle you dont notice! Because you loose something, a memory, your feelings, your sense of self gets rocked off its balance and honestly sometimes not knowing a split happed is WORSE cause youll just randomly start feeling like your not you anymore with no explanation as to why! Its so frustrating to see a bunch of people emulate the "fun parts" of my disorder and then when I get RIGHTFULY upset and say "hey its not like that it actually kinda sucks" they turn around and emotionally manipulate a group of people who are NUTORIOUS for not being believed by saying "Well because no one believes you then you should believe me because everyone has a different brain so actually I say that you dont need to be traumatized and have any of the bad shit your talking about and I get to have all the cool parts of it and your trying to oppress me by not letting me in your spaces" like???? Okay, so sorry for the rant and talking about endos and systemcorse and all. Sometimes it just all seems so ridiculous to me. When I see people say "real systems arnt hurt by people faking DID" and like??? no??? dont fucking speak for me???? Like yes stop fakeclaiming but like no dont say endos arnt "real systems problem" like I guess in practice sure but no and also BIG NO cause enods directly HAVE caused me problems so no, fuck that.

#endos dni #osdd #pdid #did #did system #pdid system #osddid #actually did #traumagenic #actually dissociative #plural culture is #tw vent #syscourse

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blood-and-pizza · 2 months

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OKay, so I really wanna include The Mimic in Fazbear Estate... but I'm gonna warn you all, his story isn't the happiest one.

See, in this AU, Edwin Murray created the Mimic Endo prototype using the AI that Henry developed. At the time, Mimic was a companion for Edwin's son, David... who did, in fact, die tragically. William Afton, who was CEO of Fazbear Entertainment at the time, made it a point to personally pay Edwin a visit after the funeral, Henry accompanying him "just in case".

They arrived at Edwin's doorstep just seconds after he'd finished beating Mimic with a pipe for mimicking David. Edwin almost didn't let the two men inside... but he was quickly realizing what he'd just done and no longer cared what happened to him as a result. William and Henry saw the mangled Mimic on the floor. Henry was horrified, recognizing immediately how much pain Mimic was in. William angrily demanded Edwin to explain what the hell was going on.

Edwin was calm at first as he explained to William and Henry who Mimic was, why he created him, and what he had just done to him out of rage and grief over David. By the time he'd finished, Henry had carefully picked up Mimic in his arms, whispering to the endoskeleton soothingly, like a father comforting a child. William heavily chastised Edwin for "causing untold trauma to an instance of Henry's AI program, thus corrupting it, possibly permanently". He also called Edwin a fool for "not recognizing [his] other son", and "barbaric" for physically lashing out at him.

William then told Edwin the only way he could keep his job at Fazbear Entertainment was by allowing William and Henry to take custody of Mimic in order to repair and rehabilitate him. Edwin sadly agreed.

William and Henry took Mimic back home and did their best to repair him, even providing him with new limbs. They even gave him a new tiger plushie to hold. Occasionally, Mimic tried to hit William, Henry, or any one of their kids with a makeshift weapon. He couldn't hit very hard, thankfully, but it was still alarming, and actively discouraged. For years, William and Henry basically raised Mimic together, kind of like one of their kids, trying to undo the damage Edwin had done.

To make an already long story short, Mimic is currently living with William and Henry in their old age. He has only ever spoken to Edwin Murray once since leaving his care. Edwin had apologized profusely to Mimic for hurting him. Mimic has accepted his apology, but is having a hard time actually forgiving him.

Mimic is currently trying to figure out his identity after spending his whole life copying other people and animatronics. With William and Henry's help, even in their old age, he has multiple suits and casings to wear over his endoskeleton body, each one a different character. Each character has their own personality and sets of pronouns. William loves how much of a brilliant actor Mimic is, but Henry kind of wishes Mimic would just worry about being himself instead of a character.

Mimic is genderfluid, altering his pronouns depending on which character he is that day, though he primarily responds to he/him. He is also asexual and aromantic, but he loves interacting with people. His violent tendencies from his "childhood" have thankfully been ironed out thanks to William and Henry's efforts. He also has his adoptive siblings - Michael, Elizabeth, Evan, Vanessa, Charlie, and Sammy - to thank for treating him like one of them.

Oh, about Vanessa! Originally, she was some random Fazbear Entertainment worker, but... I've changed this, obviously. She's William Afton's biological daughter, his youngest child. How can that be, you might be wondering, if William is in his 80's and Vanessa is in her 20's? Because William was experiencing empty nest syndrome in his late 50's and, after discussing it with a bewildered Henry ("We're too old to raise another one, Will, but okay!") they found an egg donor and hired a surrogate. Vanessa was born shortly after William's 60th birthday. The nature of her birth and William's advanced age caused quite a stir in the community.

Vanessa is currently 23, the same age she's depicted as in canon at this time. She's the baby sister of both the Aftons and the Morgons (Henry's family). She has met her egg donor, Samantha Shelly, whom she's grown close to. William is very jealous of that and doesn't even try to hide it. Henry tells William to hush and is super-supportive of Vanessa. Vanessa loves both of her dads, but is particularly keen on making William happy since... well, he's a bit hard to please.

Vanessa and Mimic have a much healthier relationship in this AU than in canon, even if it is admittedly very odd. Mimic is basically her older sibling, and they are quite close. Vanessa developed a passion for robotics and animatronics because of her dads, so she considers herself very lucky to have a robotic sibling with advanced AI. The idea for Vanny came from Vanessa designing a fursona for herself (she's a furry like her dads!) and Mimic loving it so much he wanted to make his own version of the character. Basically, he took the original design for Vanny, and gave it a horror edge that was more to his tastes.

One last thing: Mimic LOVES Five Nights at Freddy's while Vanessa... doesn't. Mimic loves the lore, and the characters, and infodumping about all of it. Meanwhile, Vanessa likes to pretend the franchise doesn't exist because of how Fazbear Entertainment, and select part of the FNAF fandom, has treated her character.

Mimic and Vanessa are Gregory's pibling and aunt respectively. Gregory and Mimic are quite close, much in the same way Mimic was close to his late brother, David. This time, however, it's a much healthier and far less possessive relationship than in canon. Mimic does, however, have a hatred for Glamrock Freddy. He's jealous of how close he and Gregory are, and cannot conceive the idea of Gregory having more than one robotic best friend.

Vanessa has a crush on Glamrock Freddy and is not entirely pleased that his polyamorous ass is looking at everyone else EXCEPT her. She thinks the way he gets along with Gregory is super adorable, and even attractive. Vanessa has tried flirting with Glamrock Freddy before, but every time she does, Freddy just assumes she's being friendly and doesn't realize he's being flirted with. So when Vanessa first sees how flirty Glamrock Freddy gets with Melissa Pomene, she is understandably frustrated.

... This all being said. This new info has potential for drama. This will remain a murder-free AU but Fazbear Estate is as much of a soap opera as ever.

#fnaf #fnaf au #fazbear estate au #long post is long #fnaf vanessa #fnaf mimic #fnaf gregory #glamrock freddy #fnaf oc #self ship #self insert #edwin murray #david murray #william afton #fnaf henry #LISTEN IF I WROTE ANYTHING QUESTIONABLE HERE PLEASE TELL ME AND I WILL AMEND IT IMMEDIATELY #i kinda went off the rails explaining all this LOL

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winemom-culture · 1 year

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My endocrinology appointment wasn’t good and I’m sad

My heart rate and blood pressure were both high. These things, weight loss, and my eye symptoms were the initial symptoms of my Grave’s back 2 years ago. So my doctor was like… I think you might be hyperthyroid again based on your heart.

But I don’t really know if my heart is a great metric. Bc like, my heart rate is always high. Especially at the doctor when I get anxious. I told her this, but in order to consider it not related to the thyroid she wants to see my bloodwork (expected) and a cardiologist work up. Which, that part feels a little excessive to me when I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong I just have a little bird heart. Arrhythmia runs very heavily on my dads side but it gives them problems with palpitations, I don’t really have those often, just like a fast baseline constantly. When I first got diagnosed with Grave’s my HR could’ve been 130-40 easy RESTING, so I sorta feel like 120 while anxious (what it was today) is relatively better? When I’m at home it definitely feels like normal until I exert. She’s like “You have to stay on beta blocker until you get your heart under 80 bpm” and I’m like lol. No offense but my heart is like never consistently under 80 even on the beta blockers 🥲 beta blockers became a big crutch to me last year and I feel like getting off them made me feel weird even though they are non-addictive I am semi-convinced that’s why I became so hyperfixated on my heart in my big anxiety spiral in 2021. I really don’t want back on them….

The thing I’m definitely NOT experiencing now is weight loss. I did the math and I’m like 80 pounds heavier then when I started going to her in 2020. And she has said that is from the thyroid medicine. Not that the medicine is bad, it’s doing it’s job of blocking thyroid hormone, but in turn that slows my metabolism a lot. I’ve tried to express my concerns about the constant weight gain, the fact that I feel like a ravenous monster, that I just can’t get a grip on it at multiple past appointments and I feel like she kinda brushes that off, always just “so anyways about that heart…..”

So now I get blood work next week for a moment of truth to see what the deal is. If I’m hyperthyroid I have to get back on my meds and probably consider surgery to take it out (that I don’t have time, money or a support system for- because my parents would be against this. That’s a whole other insane can of worms.) OR I am still in a balanced thyroid state but have to go figure out what’s wrong with my heart.

My health OCD is immediately revving up about being alone at my place, like “you don’t want to be alone all the time with high heart rate and blood pressure do you? What if you stroke out and die? Right there where you’re sitting?” Which is funny, ‘cause yesterday I didn’t know any better and was perfectly fine being alone, while presumably in the exact same boat healthwise. Ignorance was bliss

I’m feel like I’m gaining like 5 pounds every time I step on a scale and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, I literally have to get it figured out and under control this year. I’m totally just overwhelmed and don’t know how to start or how to truly stick to it. I cried my whole way home and I’m getting myself worked up again venting this out. Hope I can keep that pain fresh in my mind as motivation. Real meltdown hours. I don’t want all these problems at 26. It’s making me think about stuff down the road, what if I decide in 2 or 3 years I do want to have another kid after all? I genuinely don’t think as it is right now I would be medically advised to try. It only gets more high-risk as I get older. The thyroid and fertility/complications go hand in hand. It’s like, y’know, that’s awhile down the road there’s still time, but I’m 2 years out from initial diagnosis and as of right now I feel much more vaguely unhealthy in a general sense than I did then.

I just wish there were a more receptive endo around here but as far as I can tell from looking in the past, this office is really the best we got rn.

#long vent post

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enchantress-of-words · 2 years

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My worldbuilding: the world introduction

(I want to post a lot of worlbuilding on this blog so i figured I'll start with the basics!)

The Tale of the Uncharted Years is settled in the fantasy world called Endo, with an accent on the o. Endo consists of the two continents separated from eachother by the ocean Nandar, their names being the First Land and the Second Land accordingly. The two continents are isolated from eachother, as the ocean is deemed uncrossable (The cat was bragging it will sail Nandar all by itself; so it had went, and now it's gone, and no one've seen the cat - a children song). The plot itself, as the most of the lore, is situated in the Second Land.

The beings populating Endo are divided into three categories: the Divines, the Spirits and the Incarnates.

- The Divines -

There are 14 Divines - they are listed here by their hierarchy.

Lazael (the Great) - the creator of the world, it's nurserer and protector; everything is by Him and nothing is without Him.

Melody - Lazael's first creation that is basically a part of Him; she helped Him create the Endo, so all the living things are vowen out of her threads (magic is the manipulation of those threads).

The Giants - 3 forces of nature, created in the very beginning. Laat is the oldest - he is the air giant, reigning over skies and winds; Nandar is the water giant, ruling over oceans, rivers and every other water source (yes, even that old well in the back of your yard); Garz is the youngest and rules over the soil, stone, ground and everything within it.

The Highests - 8 of them; if the Giants are more of Lazael's servants, the Highests are his first children. Their names and domains are: Mortanis, death and humility; Rahena, knowledge and wisdom (she is also the chronicler of Endo); Ratier, magic and courage, he is the first Jai-Dar; Nahona, hope and reassurance; Razef, smithy and war; Vayna, love, home and hospitality; Marda, patience and healing; Maira, stars and considerance, an Incarnate turned Divine.

Firs (the Stranger) - many argue he should be set in another category, since he is the Enemy. Firs was created independent from Lazael and is his rival; many sorrow was brought into Endo by him.

- The Spirits -

The spirits are beings created to help the Divines. They are tightly intorvowen with Melody, directly dependant oh her state.

The spirits can shift between their original form and incarnated form. The default incarnated form is a human-like body, but higher, stronger and overall superior, since the spirits aren't influenced by age, illness or similar things (their form can still be affected by their mental state). Some of them (called metamorphs) can change between many forms, varying from humans to animals, even though most spirits are fine with one human and one animal form (mostly wolves). They can add wings to their usual body if they wish so.

(Note: all of the above describes Lazael's spirits and not Rafs; the Rafs are beings of a different breed with different characteristics and should be discussed seperately.)

The spirits are unkillable, meaning they cannot die; if the spirit suffers a fatal injury while in the incarnated form, they will be coscious during the whole process of healing.

- The Incarnates -

The Incarnates are the last beings created and are divided into four kinds: Elves (the Ethernal), Humans, Dwarves and Half-Horses (Centaurus). The differences between them are stated here:

Elves who came to the aid of the Half-Horses were given immortality; and they were destined to be Eternal, and to live by the memory of youth and of Lazael, and to care for the world, and to be merciful, and to preserve the wisdom of the ages.

The years of the Half-Horses and Dwarves became limited, because the first were filled with hatred and the desire to destroy all people, both guilty and innocent, and the others retreated in their fear and did not come to the aid of their brothers.

We were called Humans, because we were the first to listen to the words of the Stranger, and our years are short; and it is given to us to grow old, and for our body to be the subject to diseases, and weaknesses, and evil of all kinds.

- Legendarium, "The Song of Death and Eternity"

Aside from these kinds, Endo is populated by mermaids (there isn't much known of them, since they are isolated species), Dryads and Nymphs: the latter are spirit-like creatures, however, they are bound to the incarnated world and cannot leave it unless they die.

I hope you liked it! Please ask me questions if you're interested!

#worldbuilding #fantasy worldbuilding #fantasy species #fantasy creatures #fantasy mythology #fantasy #writeblr #my wip #the tale of the uncharted years

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vizthedatum · 1 year

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I don’t know why you did it (I read articles and books… I talk to my friends… I cry and try to process with my psychiatrist, therapist, nurses, and other doctors):

Why did you ruthlessly control my life? Keep me trapped? Berate me for being disabled? Refuse to get help for our VERY SERIOUS rodent infestation? Not get your fucking covid booster when I asked you to? Tell me I was going to die and you were going to be permanently disabled because I went to an apartment-warming party full of immunocompromised people who I hadn’t seen in years?

Why did you not fight with me on our wedding day when you fought me on all the others?

Why can’t I remember so many days in 2020?

Why do I remember you ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment, while you talked with a stranger online about… absolutely nothing? I begged for your attention.

I think you’re the one that gave us covid… I keep thinking over and over about it. Because… I wanted to isolate after coming back from the wedding, and you told me you were suicidal about me isolating… so I didn’t isolate. And then we got covid. I don’t even know if you actually had it tbh - YOU NEVER TOOK A TEST. I took a test. Both of our symptoms were so mild. Were you faking yours? I even got monoclonal antibodies (which you refused to get despite your stupid fears of being permanently disabled (like wtf, everyone is or will be disabled in this life) (also I AM FUCKING PERMANENTLY DISABLED, YOU DUMB FUCK)) because you had me so scared I was going to die despite me knowing that my conditions might get worse with long covid but that I would be okay because of the vaccines and access to healthcare. I kept telling you that it would be ok - I’m a fucking epidemiologist, and you have no healthcare know-how. I tried to tell you about the statistics - you didn’t care. Covid was the most convenient thing for you to use as control.

You devalued me - and I let you. I truly believed I wasn’t worth anything I wanted. You kept me full of air by telling me I was smart and pretty - but it was all just a lie because you questioned all of my decisions to the point of gaslighting. You gaslit me so hard that it was criminal. You gave up even faking an interest in my gender presentation, my beauty, my aesthetics, my art - you lost affection for me - you slut shamed me, you fucking ableist prick. You, a person who’s been poly and sexually active since high school, slut shamed your fucking spouse and best friend who kept you as their number one priority until the day they left you.

You gave me a sham wedding. No ring. I wish we could have invited our friends digitally. You broke all your vows. Fake promises. Love bombing and breadcrumbing. You only touched me because it benefited you. You pretended everything was fine when we were around other people. You hated how I made friends. You resented going to the doctor’s office with me.

I think you started resenting me when I needed help with laundry back when we started dating.

Or maybe it was after my endo surgery?

Or maybe it was when you told me you felt betrayed when I was furiously packing before our friends gave us a ride to that one gaming con?

Or maybe it’s because I couldn’t play the games you wanted to play.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t the puppet you wanted - the puppet you wanted to control, learn only the things you wanted to learn, listen to you rant for hours, fuck in only the ways you wanted without any regard for what would really make me feel good (I fucking adored you and would always try to make you feel good - and you didn’t care).

I fawned and people-pleased so much - just to keep the peace. I was throwing my life away so you could have yours.

That’s it, right? You’re not the only ex who just kept me around because I could do some things that they took advantage of, was nice enough (unless ofc I “acted up” (they all got scared when I was just myself)), and had a warm body to have sex with.

I hate you.

And now, you’re going around telling people that I abused you, that I’m ruining your life, etc.

You’re probably citing my recent relationships and my legal actions against you as signs of how unhinged I am, right? Maybe you think that because I’m openly talking about the abuse, then that’s a sign that I’m crazy and making things up?

I am healing now because I’m not tethered to you.

I fucking dare you to speak your truth. I WANT YOU TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT HAPPENED. You think I’m abusing you? Call me fucking out then.

You are so fucking abusive and delusional. You ruined my life. You have no right to judge me after I broke my body and soul to fucking serve you. You were the one who betrayed me at every turn.

You have no idea how lucky you are that I didn’t and haven’t pressed criminal charges. I hate the justice system more than you do (and you will never know why because you lack the necessary self-awareness and neural pathways to actually empathize with people, which is why you’ll keep abusing your partners, have shallow friendships, and wallow in your fucking useless controlling paranoia) - and Angela Davis? She would totally do what I did.

I hope you stay stoned and dissociated, pretending to be a “kind person” and just isolate yourself indefinitely like you wanted - because then maybe you won’t be such a danger to others.

I hate you.

#vent #venting #covert narcissist #narcissistic supply #narcissistic abuse #emotional abuse #trauma #neurodivergence #abuse #queer #harm #heartbreak #domestic violence #ptsd thoughts #why did they hurt me

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janeblr · 5 months

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ranting about my post-covid issues under the cut.

my difficulty breathing, frequent infections, exhaustion, etc. after i had covid were all explained by physical damage to the alveolar epithelium. i just had to wait for my lungs to regenerate while i got respiratory infection after respiratory infection and got winded walking around the grocery store. but trying to propose that theory to ANY healthcare professional just made them roll their eyes like "oh another nursing student who thinks she's a genius" like NO it's a very simple and logical explanation and research into lung damage following COVID infection supports my theory!!! but when i say things like "i didn't get winded because being sick for a few weeks deconditioned me, but because my lungs can't oxygenate my blood as effectively" they thought i was being dramatic and gave me albuterol inhalers even though i HAVE asthma and i KNOW what asthma feels like and that was not it. an albuterol inhaler did not help my lungs work better. and i got frequent infections because covid knocked out all the little macrophages in my alveoli so bacteria and viruses could easily penetrate the already weakened alveolar tissue.

and i know damn well that if they had bothered to labs besides a cbc and cmp, i would have had an elevated crp and esr but nooooo i was just being dramatic!!! it was just cold season :))) like im sorry i didn't know cold season meant you get seriously sick for two weeks at a time every month. and also i wish that bitch allergist/immunologist i was referred to a very Die because she wanted to do skin prick testing for allergies and i refused because "i'm telling you right now. this isn't allergies or asthma" she said "oh you'd be surprised! sometimes allergies can even present as heartburn haha!" like don't fucking condescend me. i know what eosinophilic esophagitis is i'm not stupid.

and like. my alveoli healed! i can breathe again! i hadn't gotten on my bike in almost a YEAR the other day but i was able to do ten miles without dying whereas i was gasping for breath after one mile when i got on my bike three months after having covid. i feel vindicated.

URHGHHH looking back im just so MAD that nobody listened to me!!! literally the only doctors who have ever listened to me are my gyno that agreed to an exploratory laparoscopy because i made my case against birth control or gnrh antagonists to treat severe period pain consistent with endometriosis, and my ortho that BELIEVED ME and didn't stop at x-rays to see why i was in pain and did MRIs and found yep! multiple bulging or herniated discs, uneven hips, diffuse inflammation around my lower spine/sacrum. instead of being like "oh you're in your twenties you're just drug seeking/being dramatic"

the birth control thing literally made me so mad because i understand it's the most common treatment for endo, but i said at the beginning that oral contraceptives are a bad mix with Crazy because they cancel out my antidepressants. lo and fucking behold i'm in the ER with a guard and my arm hacked open after five days on lo loestrin fe. but i was like look. all oral contraceptives are going to do the same thing, gnrh antagonists are metabolized by the liver in the same pathways as my mood stabilizers, and the only guaranteed to diagnose and treat endo is laparoscopy and ablation/excision. so she did it and stuck an IUD in me while i was put under because i can't do a pelvic exam without literally kicking her in the face. #justcsathings lol. luckily i DONT have endo(period pain was psychogenic, #justcsathings lol) and the hormones of the IUD are locally acting and don't affect my mental health.

grrrr being a woman in healthcare is a nightmare. btw i don't have a UTI its an external yeast infection, which i was surprised by because i don't have any of the classic yeast infection symptoms besides hellfire when i pee. i have to pick up my diflucan from walgreens tomorrow morning.

#mypost

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specialistmediamogai · 2 years

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Anti-endos scare me so much at this point. So many of them have tried to suicide bait me and threaten me with intense violence simply because I'm a traumagenic syshost who is friends with endogenic systems. I can't even listen to their explanations and opinions anymore because I simply don't care to listen to someone like that, and it seems like so many of them are "like that." And it makes me so upset to watch them threaten my friends, and then to have them turn on me almost immediately all while fakeclaiming me. Maybe if I met one who didn't tell me to die and had an actual conversation with me instead of trying to force their opinion on me without listening to me. But whatever. If you end up being anti-endo it's very easy to tap the block button. No hate against you personally, but the past experiences I've had with them terrified me. I no longer feel safe in system spaces because of them.

I am so sorry, I know both sides have their rotten apples and it gets bad, but i don't wish this upon anyone. I know i can't change the past but i really hope it gets better.

#syscource

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the-ender-system · 2 years

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This is a vent post, you can avoid it or interact, just please be respectful

I’m a mixture of CC!Tommy and C!Tommy in my system and god it is so fucking hard being in a system. On my CC! side, I miss streaming and the reality of my friends and my life. I miss my body, I miss my memories because I have very little. On my C! side, I was married! I had a kid! I was married to Tubbo and Shroud was our kid. We were close friends with Ranboo and we basically all lived together. It was great after all the shit that had happened to my life. I want that back. Either sides, I don’t care, I just want my life back.

- Tommy

I’d like to add on as well. When I came in, I was resting in my room after New Year’s listening to music. I close my eyes and wake up in a new room and body, I broke down because I didn’t know where I was. Now that I’ve been here for 2 and a half months, I’ve gone through some terrible things in the headspace that I never thought I would experience. I feel robbed of what I was going to have and what I wanted to have. Coming here is like a death sentence, I’ll never go back. I’m stuck here, or I basically die and go dormant. It hurts knowing I’ll never be able to go to the UK anymore, or at least for a while and never in my body. It hurts so bad. I missed the anniversary of my first best friend passing away and couldn’t honor him like I used to because I’m not at home anymore, and never will be. Yes, I love all my friends and partners here, but god it hurts so bad. I miss home, I miss my body, I miss my life, I miss my family (not my dad tho, he sucked-), I miss Tubbo and Tommy and Billzo and Aimsey and everyone else. I just want my life back

- Ranboo/Cameron

I need endos to realize how much they hurt us. We don’t like you because of the lies you spread and the bullshit stuff you say to us. I wouldn’t wish this disorder upon anyone, you’ll never be the same, you’ll never be mentally stable again. There’s so much trauma involved in this disorder, even outside of the trauma the body went through. I have trauma from my source, my friends do, my partners do, it adds up and we’re spiraling. Our partner system is barely scraping by and we’ve both been through hell and back, all over a disorder endos like to glorify and make up so they’re “nOt LoNeLy AnYmOrE.” Fuck off! You’re so sick and disgusting for faking such a disorder. If you we’re in our shoes, you wouldn’t last a fucking day, I tell you that

– Tommy

#fuck you endos #endos dni #being a system hurts so much #we’re all starting to burn out #this isn’t fun

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the-obelisk · 3 years

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Grief - Fae Collection

Loki x Reader

Summary: A mission gone wrong. The one where he had watched you fall at the hands of a mad man. And also, watched as you crumple in grief at the twist of fate.

“Unhand her or I will kill you myself, mortal.” Loki stepped forward in a protective stance, anger etched into his expression.

The older man looked at him, clutching you even tighter than before, taunting the trickster. “Ah, ah, ah. Don’t play fake hero with me, you—”

“What do you want from her?” Sam asked with urgency in his tone. He was unsure why he had taken you, with no attempt to engage with anyone else.

The man pressed his nose against your head, inhaling deeply. He smiled through the strands of your hair and stared at the two men before him sadistically, “She is my safety ticket out.”

He smirked. “And by the looks of it, his weakness.” He gestured to Loki.

Sam looked at him with determination, “You know you won’t make it out of here alive. Let her go.”

“But you won’t shoot me if she is my living shield, now would you?” He taunted Sam.

The raven-haired 50-year old scientist looked at you as you felt something sharp press against your back, “Now tell me, agent, what is that little light trick of yours?”

And in that moment all three of you had realized, the mission now posed a real problem.

And you were at the center of it.

The mission was simple: Full team onboard. Part of the team moved to search and secure the civilians, the others were tasked to take out the target.

And there you all were.

One hundred miles from the Avengers compound, it was suspected that Dr. William Endo was kidnapping recent runaways and outcasts from nearby small towns to experiment on.

Tony was sure it would be a day long mission. In and out, until it wasn’t.

Sick of the world over run by super-powered individuals, Endo wanted to harness and transfer those powers into what he deemed his own subservient human army that were effectively trained to combat any threat through one of Hydra’s old brainwashing techniques.

This time all super-powered.

And his end goal: To sell the individuals to highly volatile regimes and dealers on the black market.

Endo had seemed to have his contingency plan all in place. One wrong move and the shout of a code word, the entire compound could be effectively blown up from the bottom up.

Wanda, Natasha, Rhodey, Bucky, and Clint were moving in to secure those in the compound— the issue was that they were underground and the people held against their will were scattered, most likely still being experimented on.

Steve spoke over the comms, “Team Two, heat signatures in the left wing, second level. Thor, back up is needed in the courtyard.”

The team quickly moved. Meanwhile, you, Loki, and Sam had cornered the mastermind in the courtyard.

“Diversion.”

Sam projected his thought to you, and in that instant, you made a fast move to turn around and face Endo. You had planned to blast him with your light, but on the defense, he moved in retaliation.

Taking the blade he held against your back, the man pushed it through your upper abdomen as you conjured your light.

Sam took the shot and Loki ran to catch you before you fell.

Rushing beside you, Sam noticed the pained, hurried look on Loki’s face as he pulled the blade out. His eyes had widened at the sight of the blade itself.

“Brother.” Thor called as he landed on his feet opposite to the two men.

Loki looked up at him in fear, an expression Sam had never seen. “What’s happening? Why aren’t you healing her?”

Moving his eyes to the blade in Loki’s hand, Thor spoke “He cannot heal her.”

“What? He’s healed the others before!” Sam looked at him with confusion and anger.

You were already falling limp and there wasn’t a way to get you to a medic soon enough.

“It is bronze. Deadly to the Fae. No magic can heal the wound.”

Sam shook his head calling all to the courtyard. “Man down in the courtyard!”

Confirmations swarmed in at the other members running towards the location.

Loki held your form, tears forming as he called for you to stay awake. “Stay with me, little one. Do not leave me so soon.”

You looked up at him noting his quivering voice. He wasn’t angry or hurt, but defeated. The idea of you soon slipping from him before he could ever experience all the joys you could possibly bring to him had broken him.

He was reminded of Frigga and her death. Two women that had always seen past the monster and into the soul of a tortured man, now leaving him.

Thor stared in fear. He was her protector, how could he had let this happen. The blonde-man stared helplessly. He couldn’t help you or heal you.

All he could do was simply watch as you began to fade and Loki’s heart breaking in front of him.

“I am not her.” You spoke softly. The three looked at you as your form slowly changed to into a man that would stand a foot taller than you.

Thor’s eyes widened at the sight of the 30-year old mocha skinned man, and kneeled down. “Lord Ambrose.”

Loki looked at Thor in shock. This was the man that had swore Thor in as Y/N protector. “She is safe.”

Sam stared in utter shock. Completely unaware that the man had used a glamour to mirror a version that looked exactly like you.

And then you had entered the courtyard alongside Natasha and Wanda in hurry.

“What can I do?” You said out of breath from running across the lot.

Only you and Loki had the power to heal, however, yours were more helpful with deeper wounds while Loki had limitations to his healing properties.

It had taken practice, but Loki offered some of Frigga’s old journals. It was a natural talent you had seemed to possess.

Loki looked up at you with tears, “Y/N?”

He was sure he had lost you and yet, you stood with your gloves off and ready to heal whoever needed it.

“Holy shit.” Sam mumbled as he stood up to look at you in utter shock. But you were confused at his reaction to you.

Noting the bottom half of a man with Loki blocking the first half from view, you inhaled.

You move to come closer but Thor stopped you, “It was Ambrose.”

The mention of your guardian shocked you. You were now truly confused at why Ambrose would be there, in the compound, especially in this moment. However, you felt the instinctual connection between you two dwindling. And then it had struck you— he was fading.

“He glamoured himself as you to protect you.” Thor offered a further explanation. You looked at him with an expression he couldn’t interpret entirely. He then moved aside revealing Ambrose’s barely breathing form. Loki kneeled next his form with an haunted look on his face. Once again, Thor spoke— this time in a quiet voice. “You must say your goodbyes, Y/N.”

You dashed over in a hurry looking to Loki who only shook his head. He offered only one word confirming why Ambrose could not be saved, “Bronze.”

Looking back down at your guardian, you placed your hand over his gash, “It is okay, father. Accept my life force.”

Life force. It was the one thing that could save any soul. Transferring your life into the body of another was no light feat. The giver would perish, and the recipient would live.

Loki looked at you with fear in his eyes. You were unharmed and yet here you were ready to die for the second time— but this time, it would be real.

Rarely had others of your kind offered theirs unless it was moments of pure desperation as it signed their death warrant, but this was Ambrose. And to you, his life had much more meaning than your own.

It was the ultimate sacrifice.

He was the leader of your realm, your guardian, your father, brother, friend, and closest companion. You now understood why he feared allowing you to make a life on Midgard instead of remaining on your plane.

“N-no... you are destined for much more. It is time for me to join the others in the Summerland.” He spoke quietly.

His skin began to desecrate, leaving you to shake your head. “Please, don’t leave me. I never should have left your side. I was wrong— I was selfish. Our people will have no one to turn to.”

“But they will. Anders has been prepped to lead one day. It is his time.” You cried at the sound of your brother stepping up to the plate, it was a role he never truly wanted. “Send him my wishes. Tell him, he has come of age.”

“Oh, Ambrose.” You barely choked out.

This was the man who had taken you and your brother in after fleeing from war on your realm. Anders held you in his arms at age seven, scared with his newborn sister in his hands when he appeared on the plane you would call home for hundreds of years. Your brother, still young, never knew of your origins and with his memory erased, he would never know. But Ambrose— as elusive as he was— was all knowing and had taken you both in.

He spoke even softer, “You protect this world as Anders protects our realm. Your mother would be very proud.”

“My mother?”

“I see her. She is quite beautiful...”

Closing his eyes, he smiled softly. “Aelsa, take me home.” Loki looked at Ambrose in surprise of the name he mentioned. He knew exactly who he had referred to. He looked at Thor, who had his eyebrows furrowed. Both drawing the connection of your origin.

For you, he name rang of familiarity but you were too consumed by the soft shimmer that surrounded Ambrose’s form. He was leaving and you could do nothing to stop him.

And within mere seconds all you held was the dust of his now death. Fairy dust, often claimed by folklore. The magical finality of all deceased Fae.

The world had seemed to go quiet around you. And all you could think of was all the loss you had faced, even before your arrival to the place you would call home above Midgard.

And your guardian, your only true parent in your life, vanished.

“Dove?”

You looked to Loki who seemed to be filled with utter concerned as he pulled you in noting the tears in your eyes. You clutched to him tightly, while a vicious sob erupted from your lips.

“I- I can’t. It’s my fault—”

His hand rested on the back of your head while you cried. Loki was thankful that you were unharmed. The thought of losing you was a reality he could not bare to imagine, but the sight of your heartbreak pained him so.

He could feel the deep sorrow and pain roll off of you. And in your mind, you were consumed with a plethora of thoughts. Ones of grief, of guilt, failure, anger, and confusion.

Loki only held you tighter as your hands gripped his shirt. He sent you emotions of love and comfort but your walls propelled them away.

“I did this.” You cried out. He held you tighter and kissed your head, “My little dove,” he cooed to you.

He had no way of knowing what to say. In truth, no one knew what to do. What can one say to someone who had watched their loved one die so instantly, so unexpectedly?

Thor ushered Natasha, Wanda, and Sam away instructing them to proceed with the rest of the mission of bringing the victims home.

Sam followed the two women out of the courtyard, informing Steve and Tony what had occurred. Thor would most likely fill them in when he returned.

Turning back to Loki, he nodded and walked away. He knew the last thing you would want were minds buzzing all around you, and so he parted.

Leaving you and Loki to the silence around you.

#loki fanfiction #loki x reader #loki x you #loki x fairy!reader #loki fanfic #mcu loki #marvel imagine #marvel fanfiction #loki imagine #loki series #loki of asgard #loki laufeyson #loki odinson #loki avengers

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princess-of-the-corner · 3 years

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I know I'm like half a month late to the party, but here are some of my liked villainess... I read them as manga but am getting these from Novelupdates. (I'm easily entertained, so quality is all over the place, but yes each of these I liked to some degree) (in no particular order)

1. Reiko’s Manners – She’s Referred To As A Villainess, But Actually She’s Just Penniless

2. The Villainess Wants to Marry a Commoner

3. The Villainous Daughter’s Butler ~I Raised Her to be Very Cute~

4. I Will Quit the Entourage of the Villainess

5. The Villainess Is Being Doted on by the Crown Prince of the Neighboring Country

6. Endo and Kobayashi’s Live Commentary on the Villainess

7. The Daughter of the Albert House Wishes for Ruin

8. Villainous Daughter Aims for the Last Boss

9. I Favor the Villainess

10. The Villainess Will Crush Her Destruction End Through Modern Firepower

11. The Consequences of Having a Master-Servant Relationship With a Yandere After Reincarnation

12. It Seems Like I Got Reincarnated Into The World of a Yandere Otome Game

13. Death Is The Only Ending For The Villain

14. The Villainess, Cecilia Silvy, Doesn’t Want to Die, so She Decided to Crossdress

15. Common Sense of a Duke’s Daughter

16. Observation Record of a Self-proclaimed Villainess’ Fiance

And of course

17. My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom

Sounds dope.

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rantheon · 4 years

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the bakarina anime is done! it’s just a drop in the ocean that is the otome isekai genre so these are some recs + what you need to know about them. i just listed most of my favs otherwise it’d be too long :p

in no particular order. includes some non-isekai ones too. needless to say most of these aren’t completed yet

my next life as a villainess: all routes lead to doom

using this to plug that there’s more bakarina content in the form of light novels, manga and 3 spin-offs

an observation record of my fiancee - a self-proclaimed villainess

told in the pov of prince cecil, whose fiancee bertia straight up tells him she’s a villainess of an otome game from her past life

if you ever wonder what jeord from bakarina might be thinking half the time, this is probably close. cecil is the same kind of prince who initially finds things bored and predictable until they met the mc

the things cecil would get up to for bertia? hoo boy

also the way the mangaka draws hair is addicting to look at

the villainess cecilia silvie doesn’t want to die so she decided to crossdress

the title speaks for itself~ after remembering an otome game she played in her past life, cecil (previously cecilia) is now the one capturing the hearts of the academy ladies instead

it’s fairly new so there’s not much of it yet :c but it’s pretty interesting

the original otome game had a whole rpg combat system going on and i’m hyped to see how it’s gonna lead the story

the Angelique vibes are strong in this one

the villainess wants to marry a commoner

isabella used to play an otome game in a past life, but she was really only interested in a side character named ursch. and then one day she finds him in her mansion garden

her past life self is such a mood - i too have 100% otome games in hopes of side characters getting hidden routes but alas

definitely deserves the ‘video game’ tag. isabella can see status screens and character stats/skills etc, and all the gacha rewards and grinding transferred over after her reincarnation. she’s the isekai female protag we’ve always wanted

seriously the main ship is too op for their own good aha

deathbound duke’s daughter

in a past life, erika only managed to finish 2.5/7 scenarios of an otome game thanks to an unlucky encounter with knife-kun. with the different flags of her impending doom approaching, she takes things into her own hands years before the game events start

very fantasy-oriented (the most on this list) and pretty action-packed, once you get past the game exposition in the first 3? chapters

the world building is brilliant, from the hafan mages to the aurelian alchemists, and there’s beasts and wands and spells and dnd stuff sprinkled in

the cast has quite interesting dynamics and interwoven plotlines, and they’re all dorky in their way :>

beware of the villainess

melissa remembers a novel from her past life and desperately tries to cut off contact with the male leads, but they still make her life hell & she rages

she’s just so done with everyone and you can’t help but relate to her

definitely the funniest on this list XD melissa and her reactions takes the cake but even the shit characters are hilarious in their own way

there’s also a lot of parodies to memes etc & best of all, there’s cussing. all the shits and fucks. a whole lot of it

it’s great

death is the only ending for the villainess

penelope wakes up as the villainess from a game she’d been playing in her past life, only right now it's on the hardest difficulty where death is literally everywhere. thus she tries, well, not dying

what’s cool about this is that penelope has access to the original game system. she can see menus, choice options etc. the male leads even have affection percentages floating above their heads :> which is always cool to see (and what i’m a sucker for)

but it’s definitely one of the darker ones on this list. iirc there’s depictions of violence, abuse, drugs and then some. just a fair warning

the daughter of albert house wishes for ruin

upon realizing that she’s the villainess from a past-life otome game, mary decides to stay as one. chaos ensues

i love this manga so much, everyone is so quirky and there’s something to laugh about on almost every page. the story almost feels self-aware of itself and just lets the characters do whatever. like ride bikes

addie is so cute ;o;

it’s definitely something everyone should experience

i’m a villainess daughter so i’m going to keep the last boss

one of the finished ones!

post-annulment, aileen pulls a Lisa Tepes and asks the demon king claude to marry her. he refuses. hijinks ensues

mostly on the fantasy side, as it builds on the world of the monsters

the cast is pretty fun! aileen’s smart, funny and pretty competent in her own right. plus she and claude are positively adorable together

milady just wants to relax

post-annulment, ronia decides to open a cafe in the countryside. it later becomes the frequent hangout of a beastmen mercenary group, who are intensely feared by the townsfolk

well... beastmen. that’s all you need to know /wink

okay, that aside, it’s just as chill as the title suggests. ronia slowly makes friends she can trust, and the beastmen find a second home in the only cafe that’s willing to accept them. it’s pretty wholesome

the banished villainess! living the leisurely life of a nun making revolutionary food

despite actively trying to change her ‘villainess from a past-life otome game’ fate since childhood, elizabeth gets annulled, her noble title stripped, and is sent to a church in a neighboring kingdom. she enjoys it more than expected, despite the appearance of the ever watchful leonid

there’s plenty of 21st-century food like sandwiches, cotton candy leonid’s muscles <3

the entire cast is lovable, and can chris get an f for all the heart attacks leonid keep giving him

seduce the villain’s father

yereninovica (or just yerenica) realizes that she’s in the world of a novel she read in her past life, but as the aunt of said novel’s mc. after thwarting a kidnapping that’s basically the mc’s origin story, she takes it upon herself to also prevent the tragic death of emperor belgoat

a bit different since it switches the roles around (side character x side character) and goes into the “parent generation” of the original work

there’s also an interesting bit where the world seems to recognize her as a hijacker, and where that takes her, we’ll see in due time :o:

plus the way yeni habitually calls him ‘father’ cracks me up every time

transferred to another world but i’m the savior of an otome game

after a ritual gone wrong, “yamada tarou” (fake name) is stuck in the world of an otome game. the only way back is with a magical ring, normally obtained after becoming the lover of one of the male leads. he of course says no i’m going adventuring but the game doesn’t like that

it’s absolutely hilarious - the leads treat our mc like a heroine, and there’s a lot of otome tropes that are called out on/parodied. like the seiyuus’ names oh my god

tarou’s reactions are great and his appraisal skill is the funniest thing alive

endo and kobayashi’s live commentary on the villainess

in modern japan, endo and kobayashi start their playthrough of an otome game, which becomes a bit glitchy and odd. they discover that siegward, a male lead in the game, can hear what they’re saying. they use this chance to finally give lisolette a happier ending

much of the story’s focus is on the characters slowly warming up to lisolette, and a bit on endo/kobayashi’s irl relationship. despite being the primary drive of the story, lisolette herself hardly moves the plot - if you know what i mean

regardless it’s undeniably adorable

tearmoon empire

no isekai, more of time travel? chronoskimming?

mia wakes up 10 years in the past after being sentenced to death. now afraid of guillotine-kun, she strives to solve the issues in her kingdom that had previously led to her doom

a bit similar to bakarina in terms of concept: avoid death flags, unknowingly recruits the people she meets into her little saintess cult. the misinterpretation is very strong, and in brilliantly funny ways

it has really fun narration ngl especially in the light novel

of course, i’ll claim palimony!

to prepare for her annulment, yulia starts scheming recording her fiance’s meetups with the heroine to use as evidence. if you’re gonna lose a suitor, might as well get some money out of it, right? along the way she gets involved with rudonik, one of the male leads

no reincarnation. rather than an otome game, the villainess story comes from a book written by a side character, and the “heroine” just decided to play it out in real life

the cast together is a riot, and it’s entertaining to watch yulia only think in profits and every connection she can make to achieve it

the villainess’ slow prison life began with her broken engagement

no isekai, just a plain old villainess

post-annulment, rachel is sentenced to imprisonment. which she enjoys and is thoroughly, hilariously prepared for

everyone’s a little afraid of rachel and for good reason. it’s better to find out yourself through the LN or manga, but let’s just say that even the king doesn’t want to deal with her XD

the holy grail of eris

now this one is interesting, putting the villainess trope into a mystery ghost story. that said, no isekai either

our innocent heroine constance attends a party and encounters scarlet, an executed villainess from ten years ago. a body possession and some public embarrassment later, they decide to team up to solve the mystery that might be behind scarlet’s death

i mean, ghost villainess? sign me up

+ some honorable mentions

i favor the villainess (the heroine goes for the villainess- girls? girls? yes)

a bellicose lady got reincarnated (a delinquent reincarnates as a heroine; what a concept :o unfortunately there’s not a lot of english content for it yet)

it seems i got reincarnated into a yandere otome game (i like that the mc actively makes it so that game can’t ever happen the way it should; plus, yanderes are always interesting to study)

inso’s law (modern isekai, and quite cute!)

the reincarnated young lady aims to be an adventurer / holy guardian tiger (similar to deathbound duke’s daughter in that there’s more of a focus on the fantasy aspect)

expecting to fall into ruin, i aim to become a blacksmith (so far the only one with a shounen tag that i like; its main charm is probably the cast and their interactions with each other eliza best girl)

since i’ve reincarnated as the villainess’ father i’ll shower my wife and daughter with love (big big wholesome vibes)

level 99 villainous daughter (severely op lady who takes no shit from the people looking down at her, and regularly thinks about blowing up the academy within the first 4 chapters? hell yeah)

may i please just ask one last thing? (post-annulment, the mc literally punches everyone in the room; it’s great)

this is getting long now oops

edit: i also made a visual-friendly personally-tagged-by-me bookshelf here!

#masterpost #otome isekai reviews #rip tags i'll just stick to the english titles #my next life as a villainess #an observation record of my fiancee - a self proclaimed villainess #the villainess cecilia silvie doesn’t want to die so she decided to crossdress #the villainess wants to marry a commoner #deathbound duke's daughter #beware of the villainess #death is the only ending for the villainess #the daughter of albert house wishes for ruin #i'm a villainess daughter so i'm going to keep the last boss #milady just wants to relax #the banished villainess! living the leisurely life of a nun making revolutionary food #seduce the villain's father #transferred to another world but i'm the savior of an otome game #endo and kobayashi's live commentary on the villainess #tearmoon empire #of course i'll claim palimony!#the villainess' slow prison life #the holy grail of eris #i favor the villainess #a bellicose lady got reincarnated #it seems i got reincarnated into a yandere otome game #inso's law #holy guardian tiger #expecting to fall into ruin i aim to become a blacksmith #since i've reincarnated as the villainess' father i'll shower my wife and daughter with love #level 99 villainess daughter #may i please just ask one last thing

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purple-butterfly-and-sunflowers · 3 years

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I think the worst part of this all has been watching my family go through this.

They were reunited with their lost little girl after after a decade, 12 long years. When they met me I was damaged, sure, I was very nervous at first. It was obvious I had some chronic health conditions going on, something deeper than my Fibromyalgia than my Fibromyalgia my was making me hurt and sick. But despite that, I was up, walking around and being the cheerful little girl they remembered from so long ago. They fell in love with the same little girl they'd lost with some damage, some quirks and paranoia from traumatic events but they fell in love with the fact I was here, I was happy to be here, and in spite of everything I had been through I had never stopped being the little light in the darkness they had been searching for for what felt like forever.

But everything changed after I came back from a trip to see my grandparents for the first time after the reunion. The flights there were fine, but when I was landing back home from my layover, as soon as the planes tires hit ground I felt a horrible, sharp pain in my right side of my pelvis. We already knew I was having issues with ovarian cysts and some free fluid so it was concerning.

After that it took about a week for my energy to die. Just completely. I was hyper and a little all over the place but I started to struggle to do my daily routine when I had been actually too little of a to do list before. I started to have more moments I'd pause and groan, whince and whine in pain. It wasn't horrible at first but it kept getting worse and worse.

"That OB/GYN appointment is soon, hopefully we'll get some answers." Is what we held onto for months. When they did an ultrasound because I was in extreme pain, extremely swollen, had audible free fluid in my abdomen, and known ovarian cysts. They found I had a lot of fluid, an big cyst on my right ovary, and something weird going on with my left ovary and the tube. The fallopian tube was not were it was supposed to be in relation to the ovary and it was full of fluid.

They tried antibiotics to no resolve. It did nothing. My pain worsened. I could not anything anymore. Just feeding the dogs caused so much pain I'd be exhausted by 11:00 AM. My family would watch me in pain and try their best to comfort me, hug me, stroke my face, touch my hair, pet my head and just say "I'm so sorry baby, hopefully they can fix this... They've gotta do something..."

Then after I had another ultrasound as a follow up after a trip to the ER they found my condition had significantly worsened in the one week and a half since they last saw me. The ultrasound tech asked my doctor to see me despite not having an appointment that day and we had to schedule laparoscopic surgery.

There they found I had Endometriosis, stage IV. Pretty rare for a 19 year old with no genetic factors to have stage IV Endometriosis. They cut out all the Endo and cysts, luckily it was all beign.

But it's changed everything. It feels like a death sentence. I'm realizing this isn't going to end. I'm stuck like this. My future entails more pain, more suffering, more doctors, more ultrasounds, more needles, more surgery and more time spent doing things I wouldn't have to had people kept their fucking hands to their goddamn selves.

Now my familys comfort has changed. Instead of "Hopefully they can find what's wrong and fix it... I'm sure we can fix this... I'm sure they'll find it and fix it...." Now they see me crumble and implode from sheer pain, panting, whining, holding my breath and clenching my teeth around the scream that threatens to erupt out of mouth. And I see their faces... I felt their spirits dampen. I see them frown and I see the sadness and grief ignited by a surprised rage spark and bleed from their eyes. They try to comfort me but are often unwelcomed by gasps and shudders of aching sensitivity. And we have a moment where we both see in the others face that we both want me to receive love, affection and comfort and are just distraught I can't handle it. They see shrivel up inside my own misery and all they can say "I'm so sorry babygirl.... I wish we could do more to help..."

I can't be myself anymore. I don't have the energy. My family watches and they see me repeatedly everyday try to pull myself to my feet, doo all I can possibly do that day just to once again collapse and break down because of the pain. They see how hard I'm trying to not let it consume me. And they see how it's consuming my life.

But they do not judge they do not push me. They love me. They support me. They help me. They want to make it go away. And it makes us all so fucking sad that they can't. It makes us all enraged that this is even happening. When if we had just been left alone all those years ago I would never have to know this pain.

#chronic health conditions #chronic pain #disability #endometriosis #fibromyalgia #chronic illness #chronic disease #chronic fatigue #living with pain #my family and my illness #family

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klonoadreams · 4 years

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Been on a Villainess* kick, have some of my favorites (*not all are villainess but most are)(mostly manga not webtoons, sorry if that's a deal breaker)(wow, there was more than I was expecting, feel free to ignore!)

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!- if you're a fan of the genre you've probably already read/watched it but! I'll rec it anyway just in case

The Result Of Being Reincarnated Is Having A Master-Servant Relationship With The Yandere Love Interest- or that one where almost everybody is reincarnated and trying to stop the bad ends

The Villainess, Cecilia Silvie, Doesn't Want To Die, So She Decided To Cross-Dress!- er, exactly what it says on the tin

Fiancée’s Observation Log Of The Self-Proclaimed Villainess- good mostly outsider pov

Endo And Kobayashi’s Live Commentary On The Villainess- if you could change the story of a game (as the player), would you?

I Am Troubled That My Fiance Is A Villain- accidentally getting involved

The Reincarnated Villainess' Dark History- reincarnated in your middle school fanfic

The Villainess Is Adored By The Crown Prince Of The Neighboring Kingdom- very shoujo

Tearmoon Empire Story- no isekai, just trying not to die

Fiancee Be Chosen By The Ring- no isekai or reincarnation, just dorks in a panicked arranged engagement

I'm The Prince’s Consort Candidate However, I Believe I Can Certainly Surpass It!- magic arranged engagement

Middle-Aged Man's Noble Daughter Reincarnation- yes, if nothing else, read this comedy

OHH, I’ve read most of them actually!!! Y’all underestimate how much me and the guys in my server just INHALE these things.

We go at them carefully, cuz some of them tend to be a bit...YEAH.

There’s one where our MC ended up with black hair and dark skin (which isn’t really dark, she’s got a light olive tone at best in the cover art) because she can control darkness that made a LOT of people wary of her, when really, she’s just a nice kid... BUT UHHH, the implications about THAT.

And not helping, is that in the comments, there were some spoilers from the novel, that later on, she loses her dark skin, like...wtf?????? EVEN WORSE, THE WAY SHE’S TREATED IS CHANGED IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE OF IT (they treat her BETTER).

I just dropped it after that, I’m not even gonna bother with stuff like that. Idk what’s going on there, but I literally cannot deal with that shit cuz of the implications. (it’s called I'm Not a Villainess!! Just Because I Can Control Darkness Doesn't Mean I'm a Bad Person!)

(literally the premise is so damaging, and like, I’m nowhere near pale, but I’m still on the lighter end of brown, so seeing that is just...it’s gross)

ANYWAYS, the Old man reincarnated as the villainess is AMAZING. Literally all started when the Zoids Mangaka was posting stuff on twitter about what HE wanted to see from an isekai like that.

I followed it pre serialization, and am currently following it now that it’s been serialized. Literally, old man KEEPS FUCKING RAISING FLAGS. BECAUSE HE’S BAD AT BEING MEAN. He’s just...A DAD. But also, really nice.

The Fiance’s Observation Log is also good!! Was following it when the LN was getting translated, and then immediately jumped to the manga adaptation when I saw it existed.

Same goes with our girl, Katarina in Destruction Flag Otome. And a lot of these, really. Eheheh, when I came across Destruction Flag Otome, I went on a BINGE on novel updates under the villainess tag.

Read the Yandere one, and I have another one to suggest, It Seems Like I Got Reincarnated Into the World of a Yandere Otome Game. Lycoris is our girl, and she’s doing her best to avoid getting killed, but like...ehehhee, the yanderes are still THERE, despite her meddling. It’s just that it turned into a softer yan, where everyone is just protective of her. It has some elements of horror and psychological stuff here, which is what makes it so interesting.

There’s May I Please Ask You Just One Last Thing? if you want some catharsis since our MC will beat the shit out of those who piss her off. The downside is that the guy interested in her is...really pissing me off, since he only likes her because everyone else bores him like. No. Just no. That’s not romantic.

If you want to use a premise like that, Fiance’s Observation Log does it better because it started off with him being a CHILD, and doing things cuz it was interesting...AND THEN HE GOT ATTACHED because of it.

The Daughter of the Albert House Wishes for Ruin is AMAZING, our MC wants to be a villainess because she has REASONS, but the problem is THAT SHE KEEPS COMING OFF AS A TSUNDERE. And the Heroine just accepts that, like “WOW!!!!”

Milady Just Wants To Relax is a good one if you want fluffy beast-kin getting treated nicely by our MC, who opens up a cafe after reaching her destruction flag. She’s having a nice time and the beast-kin have taken to protecting her. They try to stay in their human form, to keep her from feeling intimidated, when in reality, she likes their beast form. It’s just fluffy times here.

I have so many others to recommend, but I just suggest looking up the Villainess tag on mangadex.

THAT SAID, do keep an eye out for any red flags that pop up. Because you never know when you’ll come across another Abandoned Empress. Anyways, thanks for the recs!! Gonna read Tearmoon Empire Story!!

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raisondetempete · 4 years

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Ten Characters Tag

I was somehow tagged by the wonderful @dialovers-translations???? I’m not worthy of being mentioned by her. Anyways, here’s the post. I am very bad at conveying my opinions so some of the descriptions might be a bit odd.

Rules: make a new post, name 10 of your favorite characters from 10 different fandoms that you like, and then tag 10 people.

1. Hanayo Koizumi (Love Live)

No offense, but if you didn’t know I loved her, you’re fucking blind. She’s literally my profile picture and header. Anyways, Hanayo is my favorite anime character ever. She and I are very similar in that we’re shy introverts with glasses that love to sing despite having social anxiety. My friends that have watched the show say that we’re basically the same person. In fact, her birthday is 5 days after mine. Her voice is my favorite out of everyone else’s voice in the Love Live series. Her old voice is to die for (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, listen to Love Marginal or Kodoku na Heaven). I could go on about her for hours, but I’ll stop here.

Honorable Mention: Honoka Kousaka

2. Rinko Shirokane (Bang Dream!/Bandori)

I. Love. Rinko. So. Much. My name in Bandori is “Worship Rinko/Lisa” with one of my banners dedicated to her. Kinda the same reason why I like Hanayo so much, Rinko is similar to me in that we both have social anxiety and can play piano I’m not good at describing this oof. She’s really beautiful and I love her gothic lolita aesthetic. Her voice is also really good (although I prefer Yurika Endo’s voice much more than Kanon Shizaki, her voice is still good)

Honorable Mention: Lisa Imai

3. Reiji Sakamaki (Diabolik Lovers)

(Fun fact about me: I get really shy looking at characters I think are hot so this was hard for me.) I’m a really kinky person. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m a huge masochist and am 100% a sub. I also like guys that are smart and formal. So, Reiji is the perfect guy for me. I can’t remember if he was always my favorite character (I watched the anime at least 5 years ago). However, I do know he was my favorite by the time I started reading the game translations (which were about a year and a half ago). Honestly, he can 100/10 tie me up and whip me any day.

Honorable Mentions: Laito Sakamaki, Ayato Sakamaki

4. Saeran Choi/Ray/Unknown (Mystic Messenger)

So, based off the three aformentioned characters, you can tell I like shy characters and sadistic, dominant characters. Well, Ray is a combination of the two. Although Jumin was my favorite before (that 2nd bad ending yes-), the image above is what sealed the deal. I got almost all his bad endings (could never get the 3rd and my friend was loaning me her account and wanted it back for a bit) and his true ending. The 2nd bad ending was my favorite ending of his route and tied for 1st for my favorite ending in the game (Jumin’s aforementioned 2nd ending is tied with him). I prefer Unknown over Ray as he’s the type of sadist I like (plus, his theme is a bop).

Honorable Mention: Jumin Han

5. Wu Chang/Xie Bi’an and Fan Wujiu/Black and White Guard (Identity V)

If you been on my blog at all, you know that I love Wu Chang as my header is “Wu Chang is Daddy”. I say this a lot in world chat in-game too. I have a whole folder dedicated to them on my computer. If you had to ask me which one I prefer, I couldn’t answer that question. What I like about Xie (White) is his calm, gentle nature which is perfect for me because I’m really shy and sensitive while Fan (Black)’s nature is aggressive and domineering which I also love. A fair few of my followers started following me for my Yandere Wu Chang fanfic (link to part 1 if you want to read it) so thanks for that.

Wu Chang can double penetrate me

Honorable Mentions: Yidhra (Dream Witch), Vera (Chloe) Nair (Perfumer)

6. Vincent Pait (Dead Wishes)

If you love yanderes and/or games with dark themes, Dead Wishes is for you. I love this game so much and, although I haven’t finished playing yet, I can basically guarantee Vincent is best boi. He’s like Reiji, but instead kidnaps you and chains you up in his house. However, he still does punish the MC a lot. Warning though: the game is not for the faint of heart (I was streaming Vincent’s route for my friends and one of them got so freaked out over a punishment, he banned me from streaming the game and mentioning Vincent).

7. Yuuya Kizami (Corpse Party)

I’m one of the very few people that like Kizami. Practically everyone else hates him. If I wasn’t a masochistic yandere fucker, I probably wouldn’t like him either. But, you’ve got admit. He’s hot. I find is backstory interesting, as he was always the way he is. Unlike Morishige, the school didn’t change him. Also, another very unpopular opinion, I really dislike Yuka. I find her really annoying. She acts like she’s 8 when she’s 14 or something. Because of this, I didn’t mind her dying.

Honorable Mentions: Sachiko, Seiko Shinohara, Mayu Suzumoto

8. Sebastian Michaelis (Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji)

Note: Along with Reiji, I had to work up the courage to search for pictures of him. Sebastian has been one of my favorite anime characters for awhile. I think I watched Kuroshitsuji in 6th grade, so that was awhile ago (I’m not comfortable stating my age). I can’t really describe why I like him so much. He’s just... perfect. He’s a gentleman and incredibly, but is a huge sadist as well which is a huge plus.

Honorable Mention: Ciel Phantomhive

9. Sal (Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea)

Ah, yes. The trash himself. Once again, I am in the minority because I like Sal. The rest of the fandom hates him, because he’s an asshole. I love him because a yandere. In fact, he’s one of the few male yanderes listed on the Yandere Wiki. I discovered WATGBS in 8th grade and instantly fell in love with him once he showed his true colours. The possessiveness. The obsession. All things I love in a lover.

Honorable Mention: Wadanohara

10. Aya Drevis (Mad Father)

Mad Father and Ib were the games that got me into horror. Although I wanted to put Mary from Ib on this list, I like Aya and Mad Father just a bit more. Aya is this cute, adorable girl that, as the game goes on, reveals her dark nature. She frequently killed her rabbits, albeit unknowingly, chainsawed someone in half, and then went on to use humans as parts for dolls. All in all, 10/10 character. Bonus Reason: I adore the aesthetic of Mad Father. I love the use of dolls in games. I love the themes. I love the yandere themes in it (even though it’s platonic). Mad Father is a great game.

Honorable Mentions: Alfred Drevis, Ogre, Dio

I’m not tagging anyone because I’m really antisocial and don’t know many people on here-

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