love to see the watchmen stuff coming from you. i was working at the comic shop when doomsday clock and rorschach was coming out so i remember it pretty well :~) rorschach is my favorite character even though he's terrible. in every way. i kind of love him for it while dr manhattan is the worst guy ever. what are your thoughts

in a joking manner here r my thoughts:

in all seriousness my favorite characters r probably laurie, dan and rorschach :) i want to pin adrian to a corkboard like a moth and study him. adrian himself isnt an interesting character (or atleast as interesting as the others) but lord his dynamics w others need to be put on trial i think there's so much shown potential there. comedian is interesting and manhattan is too i jut also hate them both w a burning passion. obviously both of them are insane parallels abt the lost of humanity due to trauma that is treated as the norm or seen as simply just "as things are" (u ever think abt how comedian was 16 when he joined the minutemen? the same age laurie was when she joined the crimebusters?)

love what happened w laurie in the hbo series. love the rorschach comics. complex emotions abt the movie its both insanely accurate yet also makes me wanna rip my hair out bc there are some choices there that are absolutely insane??? are you fucking kidding me???? WHY. WHY DID U DO THAT TO MANHATTAN AND LAURIE'S ARC. HATE IT HERE.

before watchmen is good. most of it is shit but what is good is amazing. i love the minutemen i love the lore established there. obviously we can't talk abt watchmen adaptations without acknowledging how DC fucked over alan moore and dave gibbons but like. i am happy to get more content that i get to pull apart and examine because lord knows we're never getting the same type of content other DC franchises get.

THE VIDEO GAME IS SO WEIRD THE FIRST CHAPTER OF IT IS FASCINATING. I LOVE IT. THE SECOND CHAPTER IS BULLSHIT. UGH.

if prompted i could give personal reviews abt everything that ive read/consumed w watchmen. like detailed reviews. i think abt it constantly.

i actually have a watchmen oc/self insert bc thats how i consume media his name is jeremiah and he is. well! he sure is.

i dont like how most of the fandom writes dan and rorschach as a romantic relationship. not because i don't think there's something insanely homoerotic going on i just don't think they're able to be a functional couple. they've never gotten married but have divorced 20 times and 18 of those were rorschach's fault. i think there's a lot of untouched dynamics going on w adrian and comedian but i think that's just the watchmen that's in my head.

AND UHHH if i were to ever be in charge or have influence in a watchmen series i think we need something that focuses on the time when crimebusters first formed up until the keenes act. i realize that's been touched on in the comic but i found a lot of before watchmen rlly neglected that. i want more detail on backstory. my friend says that dev patel would play a great dan and honestly i think we should see where that goes. need more dan media. idc if he's "boring". he's my favorite war criminal.

what are the best wire ships?

YALL SHOULD NOT HAVE ASKED ME THIS LMAO 😭😭 i am so not serious to be the header on the wire fandom resurrection front but here we go 😭 i guess 😭! I HOPE URE READY CUS IM NOT LMFAO

FYI this post might contain some spoilers to the show but if u want a nonspoilerly version, just asked! it's pretty old so if yall haven't seen it i 10/10 recommend!!!

im painfully trying a rewatch of the show, i say painfully because my attention span watching a show vs a movie is KAPOOT! i can't stream 30 hours of a show but i can sit thru a 3 hr movie (if i haven't seen it before. Ill still have to get up and stretch sometime in the middle of it but ill be attentive nonetheless). LIKE... sitting thru a long movie holds more accountability to my mind i think. If i can't binge thru multiple episodes and end on a comfy, even number like episode 10, i can't bring myself to sit thru one without checking my phone 😭 BUT IT IS A GOOD SHOW! i just suck at watching shows in general, especially past the 1st season.. idek why.. it's like i get thru the 1st season in a happy binge breeze then BOOM! no more motivation... BUT WHAT I MEANT WITH THIS IS!!!!

This 1st post will mainly just kinda lightly touch on general knowledge from season 1 then expand in detail the more seasons i rewatch (with more ships too probably). This is mainly my fav ships i noticed now or back then

TO BE NOTED THO!! the wire isn't a really shippy show tbh, it's mainly about dynamics thru relationships contributing to story/effect on the story rather than romantic relationships. Every plot point has to have an eventual purpose for the story, every interaction, etc. It has like one will they won't they mainly for angst, and it's for Detective McNulty who has a general 'will he won't he' beat the Irish drinking gene or whatever lmao. If u wanna ship, u gotta really take the few nuggets the show might give u and REALLY turn them to gold. Cus they are gold in general, but it's up to you to make them really profit! IN CONCLUSION.. u gotta be. A little delusional. Hence our first 'ship' introduction..

🩵 stinkum & bird 🩵

... i told you we had to be a little unwell to really indulge. Sorry.

this is a totally biased list so please excuse me. Stinkum n Bird are two of Avon's muscle in the game and they both get outta it pretty quick. Involuntarily, of course, because they're the typa freaks that love it. With these two, you need context clues n connections. Almost EVERY scene Stinkum is in, he's GOT TO bring up his boy Bird. Hell, it might just be every. This is mainly due to the writers knowing the actor of bird is a big shot cameo, so it'd be too expensive to have Bird in a lot of scenes, especially in a TV show budget. And they also knew Stinkum wasn't made to last long so why not just use him as a substitute introduction to Bird's character so we don't have to pay that much for personal appearance in prologue? Bird's supposed to be the 'unhinged' one in the crew, the Crazy Guy. Crude, rude, cruel, & ruthless. Don't have the budget to show it, cheaper to tell it instead. Stinkum's just the hype man to Bird, essentially. Also he has another thing going on that leads to his early demise, but besides that, that's pretty much it. Goes to show how the show wants every dime spent for a strategical reason. Good TV shows need Causation, not 'and then's, but 'therefore' 'so' ETC.

... doesn't mean we can't have fun with it ourselves though. See, The Wire brings you quality entertainment, & it's up to us what we make of that quality to be entertained. Up to our love of the show to keep coming back to it and exploring the prime time possibilities it presented/hinted/hid. Which is a lot since practically every part of it is practical. The beauty of Stinkum n Bird to me is Stinkum being some wide-eyed doe eyed obsessed little freak who woobifies n glorifies n babygirlifies Brutal As Fuck bird because? He's insane. I guess? They both are! This is evidenced in the show, on purpose for plot! But this purpose can be made even better if we make something accidental out of it. Take the gold and spread its profits through smaller amounts, cut the product for bigger prices! LISTEN LIKE.. they made stinkum's character constantly bringing up Bird's name for plot... but him always yammering on about Bird can mean other things...... dare i say... gay things 😈. WHY does he always talk about Bird? For cheap character intro to get us ready when Bird makes his short appearance eventually yea but WHAT ELSE? they're giving us an ELSE without rlly GIVING us an else! Stinkum, who's a bit of a dopey lil goon guy, might have been unknown to a certain shooting danger one night when BLAM! He turns around, not filled with lead, but with awe for the guy he just saw skin a man alive... save HIS skin by dealing with his unforeseen assailant. Stinkum sees a softer side to the craziest, cruelest guy in their group, and has his respect eternally earned. Does Bird ever return it?? We don't know.... Bird never mentions Stink. Which creates more fun for us cus we get bounce off that with whatever the hell we want. It always goes back to the source! IF YOU WANT.. i recommend looking up 'the wire stinkum' / 'the wire bird' and ull find their scenes that show more of their character. I can elaborate on a single ship in more detail if u want, just ask ! trust me, id be MORE than happy to lmao!

🩵 Bird n Omar 🩵

Apparently, thanks to Stinkum, we know Bird n Omar jailed with each other. And STINKUM heard from BIRD that Omar was gay?? Which is like.. ok. Thanks stinkum/bird??? That's a bit.. what do u mean by that... have you, Bird, man whose little scenes he's shown is spewing same sex sexuality slander 99% of the time, Experienced that info Firsthand? Are you. Perhaps. Were you... One of Omar's whole stable of boys he had while locked up at Jess Up 🤨? ...the public needs to know 😈. Is all this talk you have against the lgbt.. perhaps... coming from a bit of internalized Rage 🤨? hm 😼? AND THIS ISNT JUST MY SPECULATION EITHER!! Other wire fans thought this!! They were sus on stinkum n Bird's relationship too!!! hell i GOT that idea from one of the wire's youtube COMMENTS!! yall we see it.. we do. Also Omar is 5'10... Bird is 5'3 at worst (says he's 5'5 but trust me. That is a definite lie.) .. Bird's also Omar's type too (which i find hilarious).. lightskinned. some may say, even, a little bratty BUT HEY! HEY!! im just usin my context clues given to me from THE SHOW ok! dont shoot the messenger bird... Omar looked like he was enjoying Bird getting his comeuppance a little Too well in that police interrogation scene.. i wouldn't be surprised if there was a deleted scene of him saying 'oh what a mouth'... BUT FROM THE SCENE GIVEN TO US THO.. what do you Mean 'bird really knows how to bring it out of people', Omar 🤨? What do you. What do you Mean by That 🤔? something.... explicit 🫣?

ANYWAYYYSS... smthin Bigger.

🩵Avon & Stringer 🩵

u rlly do have to see the show for all of these to rlly land with u tbh, the bigger ones especially bcs when the show has two characters they keep close for long... u know they're gonna be in pain. And u are too. I love avon and stringer man they make me so 😭😭!! One bleeds red the other bleeds green... ones all for family, the other for profession but DAMN IT! He thought he was family too, isn't it? Aren't i... Avon ? If the other ship types were doofy tongue out loyal to the bone tail wagging dumbly following dog Stinkum x asshole cat with claws who Maybeeee has a Slight soft spot for the dog where only HE can scratch it sometimes Bird, or elegant silk n clever streetcat with a semi bitten ear who steals fish with class Omar x rowdy rabid orange tabby cat who jumps at windows trying to eat other cats Bird..... this one is . Opposites attract. Unlikely friends to the end. Unlikely betrayal in bonds. Unlikely.. Unlikely. I don't wanna speak on it too much incase u haven't seen the show. It's just so good, it needs a justification thru watch. Avon and stringer together.. u can just feel the connection. Like these two Were childhood friends and now all this shit is happening to them.. this rift. It sucks!! It makes u wish the old days with them!! It makes u feel like an old head! Makes u feel what they're probably feeling but can't express cus they don't have the power or the pride rn!! I love them. They make me miserable. Avon and stringer were THE powercouple on the wire. They were THE girlboss malewife powercouple takeover. THE adhd bf Autistic bf romance. OKAY??? I just have to tell u the terms, it's up to u to see the show explain it. Watching stringer infodump about whatever smthing new he learned in his community college econ's is so cute. His finance bro business bro interests 😭 Avon acknowledging it and helping him indulge in it!! Making it a giant part of his organization!!! Avon the hardworking son from a long line of feared bad blood incorporating his businesstime consigliere godfather type shit ! Seeing avon get all excited at the bball game, jumping up n stomping the ground when he's winning or losing Lmao. Stringer roasting the competition, joining in on the pettiness. I love them. They're my petty powercouple and I GET TO SAY THEY DESERVED TO KISS EACH OTHER!! And GET MARRIED and LOVE EACH OTHER!!! okay!!! In another life avon is the prideful n stubborn basketball coach for their cc's poor basketball team and stringer is the sexy rich new econ professor who got demoted for being too harsh on his past private college students. D'angelo the spoiled nephew hates going to Stringer's class and hates Stringer even more when he becomes his strict new stepdad thanks to googly eyes at Avon. The coparenting comes with its troubles..

Another big crime dealing (literally) powercouple on the newer side..

🩵 marlo & Chris 🩵SHUTUP ABT CHRIS'S HAIR I TRIED OKAY IM NOT TRYING THAT HARD OKA

this one is mainly dynamic, there are some works for marlo/chris, but it's mainly dynamic exploration or relationship hinting if u squint but kept kinda dim under the surface. What's interesting abt these two is that.. They're just so interesting. It's like.. how Did they meet? WHY is chris so loyal to marlo? Also it's on misinterpretations too cus people might look at chris and think he's the ruthless killer who takes joy in his killings since he's big muscle for marlo's group... but actually he's a very chill (unless ur crime is Bad.) kinda kind n polite guy with a butler-like professional nature in his affable behavior sometimes . VS everyone thinking marlo is some emotionless, bug-eyed freak who just watches from the dark. And he is LMAO. Just like how chris CAN be ruthless, marlo CAN be hauntingly apathetic. But he can ALSO be very petty. I mean, half his Google images are of him looking disgusted LMAO. He's almost always vaguely annoyed, impeded upon, or intrigued. And chris n him Both know the other should not be messed with when pissed. If avon and stringer are the more kind of 'front and center' powercouple at the party, Marlo and chris are the two lonely assholes sitting in the dark corner (uninvited btw) of the party, vaping and judging people. Marlo doesn't drink, so he's just sipping ice water out of a red solo cup telling chris to kill whomever marlo finds insignificant (so everyone) while chris stares at the weather app on his phone, not knowing what to do. I love them in the goofy sense. They're just so awkward. Bruh girl 4 bruh girl. When two mfers with social skills where u can tell it's ok Except there's just smthin kinda Off about them, keeping them from being normL, find each other... the world burns. And it Did. They both have insane trauma and i think they should kiss. Ill def reblog with more abt them when i get to the later seasons rewatch..

🩵 Omar's og crew with him, Brandon, n bailey 🩵

i loved Omar's og little Robin hood crew so much 😭 it's a shame the wire back then didn't know how successful it'd be, so they introduced n had the other members live so short for story. They shouldve had more screen time fr! Doing shenanigans!! i just love the dynamic of Omar n Brandon being best bfs... Omar simping for Brandon n letting his mistakes slide bcs hes down bad for the lightskin.. and then there's lone wolf John bailey who just has to third wheel with them. Bailey is known to just go wherever the money goes, do whatever to get whatever, mix with whatever for whatever, so gotdammit if he has to spend time stealing money n drugs with gay people, he'll spend time stealing money n drugs with gay people!! i guess 😭. he definitely will be using that time to side eye them tho 😭😭. The funny gay couple and the straight man (literally) doing stealing shenanigans.. smh. We were robbed 😭 from their robbing!!!!!!!! i wish we saw more of them (dont get it twisted from all the praise the wire gets, it does have its faults, every show does!).. got to explore them more! We barely get to see Brandon before he dies n we don't even get to see John bailey's end result! Just hear it passing by! SMH!!! they were a cute lil ragtag group and i wanted to see them successful!!! also.. just saying John but... if u stayed n had a threesome instead of going to see ur 'mom', you wouldve lived longer...... probably not that long when you've got avon n his muscle minions after u... but still. You missed out big time bro. It's time to consider switching sexuality sides, methinks !

AS CLOSING SINCE WE'RE RUNNIN A LIL LONG!!

🩵 gay ppl.. everywhere

🩵 The Baltimore fuzz can also be poly excluding kima as platonic <3. Herc n Carver have too many sus conversations to be just bros at this point ... but ill talk more abt them later probably! They're rlly cute tho! And bunk n McNulty have their buddycop banter that's very domestic and assholic because they are domestic assholes. Bunk made lester bow-legged. Bunk ALSO outside of police stuff, has some childhood lore with Omar, of all people. Perhaps Omar had a schoolgirl crush on THE JOCK bunkster, feared star of his... school's game with the stick or whatever lol it sounds cute though! I'll talk more abt the fuzzy side of the show if u want, but they're pretty big so ull see more of that for urself with less explanation needed if u watch it !

🩵 avon's barksdale crew could be a poly powercouple gang takeover !! As could marlo's! With obvious platonic pieces as snoop probably has her own gf n such. Wee-bey is just so beautiful he needs to be a bf!! he needs someone to listen to his fish facts!! Him and stringer probably trade fish facts n finance facts! Avon and his gang kiss <3

🩵 bodie/Wallace have some fans! The stubborn kid playing tough guy to survive trying to steel his heart and the smart kid who's a little too soft and a little too supportive.. it's sweet and sad :( .

🩵 Bodie n poot are cute too. The second coming of girlboss malewife. Lil Kevin had to be in a poly with them or smthin cus there's no other reason why they should keep him along 😭 he was so shit at being muscle. It's not even funny LOL. Poot was also kinda shitty at being muscle too. Lil spoon headass, desperately debilitatingly declining hairline headass. Fuckin poot 😭.. bodie rlly spent his whole life carrying the team tbh. No wonder he's always such a crabby Lil guy! Yall make him do too much! By the time he was 26, he felt 86 probably !!

🩵 there's also cutty n slim charles, n other people that show in the later seasons that i can address later in a reblog, but yea! So far those are my favs mentioned n can be elaborated later! thank u SO much 4 asking, this was SUPER fun n appreciated 🩵🩵🩵 i doubt many ppl will read this n i don't blame yall but TRY if u can.. to watch The Wire if ure ever bored n have some freetime!! it's so good 😭

yeah totally! i’m just gonna write an email complaining to the people in charge i guess :) probably, sometimes tumblr and tiktok can provide good advice haha :) i think it’s the actual writing it down part that helps me remember, i use lots of colours and write it down in little blocks all over the page and often just write a number next to it to remember how many facts i need to memorise…the explaining it out loud part is mostly happening to make sure i actually understand what’s happening :) i’ve tried flash cards before (actual paper flash cards and anki flash cards) and i’ve tried the pomodoro method but both didn’t really work :( flash cards were just becoming annoying at some point and the other method just made it way too easy for me to get distracted. hmm yeah i could talk to that teacher again, but she’s not working for the department this particular exam coming up is written in so she could probably only provide some emotional support haha :’) we’ll see how it goes :) no that totally makes sense!! i like the way you said that. a bit of clutter makes it feel like home :) or maybe i’ll let myself get distracted by you and now we’re both sitting on the floor getting nothing done…but at least we’re having fun! you got it, i’ll hold your hand and we’re gonna get through it together, even if it hurts :)

IM GLAD YOU ENJOY IT!! i don’t really remember all the details from the books but now i kinda wanna reread them haha :) i was a different person back then, i can only dream of the focus and attention span i had at 13, now i can barely read a chapter of anything as well :/ and i think the only reason i got through them in such a short amount of time was because i didn’t do anything else all day except for reading, i remember my neck being sore from looking down so much, would not recommend :) we’re gonna need like three days to get through all the films, but i’m down hehe ;)

nope, don’t think so :) aahhh thank you!! i always feel so weird about texting and talking to people but i’m glad it’s working out somehow! yes, we keep going!! :) you are!!

Sorry! Meant to reply yesterday but got distracted🫣

You really should🙄how dare they? Tumblr and tiktok either give great advice or possibly the worst advice ever… and there doesn’t seem to be much in between🤣. Ohhh that’s good! Especially with the different colours, breaks it all up a bit! Flash cards are the worst. I’m sure they work for some people, but I am right there with you thinking they’re annoying😑and the pomodoro method is eh. But there’s so many revision techniques, and they might be worth a try, and hey if they don’t work, then at least then you’d know that the studying method you’re doing now is what works best for you🤷. Well, she might not work in the right department, but she could maybe pass on the message to the right people asking if they’d be willing to have a chat with you and give you some advice? But at the very least, she’s there as someone to talk to for emotional support as you said😌. Hehe I am very distracting💪tis my job. But being distracted is sooooooo much more fun than being focused heheh. You’re incredibly sweet, you know that?🥹

YOU SHOULD! THEYRE SO GOOD. And I feel like (at least for me) they’re super easy to get engrossed into? I sometimes big time struggle with immersing myself into the world and stuff, but it’s been easy so far with the hunger games? And maybe that’s because I’ve watched the films and I know what to expect? But either way it’s awesome! Oh to be 13 again. I’ve never been big on reading, was never very good at it but when I got better at it I lost all interest in it and would lose focus easily🤷. Still, all the books in 3-4 days is insanely impressive… but yes, the neck pain is definitely not fun☹️. 3 day date? With you? Sign me up!

ME TOO. It’s usually super difficult for me to keep conversations going and say things that aren’t like… short and bland? And I try not to, but sometimes it’s just… there’s nothing I can think to say? I dunno. But it’s easier with you😌❤️

More than a memory

Sorry if this is formatted really horriblly I finished this up on mobile I hope you like this there’s about 2 paragraphs I cut of ruby nerding out

Once they got to Vacuo oscar was sorta unofficially a huntsman now laws are a lot looser here so he’s been saving quite a bit of money from going on missions after team rwby and Jaune came back it was weird they were only gone a month but so much had changed the merge was almost finished he could feel it every day he felt less like himself he didn’t even object when Theodore called him oz anymore he and ruby weren’t as close anymore whatever happened wherever they were changed her he got bits and pieces from Jaune and yang but the others kept quiet he knew that he’d be gone soon so he wanted to leave something for her kinda like proof that they ever met in the first place so he was now standing in a vacuan market at 12 am alone with a lot of lien on him this was probably a bad idea but at one point he heard ruby ramble about this gun shop that they were the best at what they do so he called made an appointment it just so happens they prefer to see let’s just say unofficial clients at night he knocked at the door it read “bikal bullets” it opened and an old owl faunas man opens it his large yellow eyes are piercing “hello mister pine headmaster theodore told me to expect you” oscar rubs his hands together “yes mister bikal he said to come late” mr Bikal leads him inside on the walls hang dozens of expensive weapons “so mr pine what are you looking for” oscar took the blue prints out of his bag and set them down on the drawing table “um im looking for something custom built its for a friend” mr bikal takes the blue prints and examines them “these are pretty impressive mr pine did you draft these yourself theses yourself” oscar nods “mostly i had a little help with the math part of it but the mechanical stuff i did myself” mr bikal nods “something like this will cost a good amount even with the discount you get for being school staff” oscar nods “do you have an estimate on the price and how long it'll take to make” mr bikal snaps his teeth “around 12000 lien and 2 weeks” oscar nods he had 140000 saved up but he did want to buy some more things for the others “alright i can uh i can afford that” mr bikal goes over to what looks like a drawing table and pins them up “i will start work immediately mr pine you make your payment on completion if you desire the school has credit with me the price includes 3 magazines and a case so that will also be custom made shall you pick it up or would you prefer its delivered” oscar stands uncomfortably as mr bikal starts measuring out pieces of fine metal “ill pick it up dont worry” mr bikal nods and says “alright mister pine your can go now its not a good look for a young man to be out so late especially so close to the red light district” oscars face gets red “yes of course” oscar leaves and walks back to the academy sneaking back into his dorm room was easy tho nora did pester him about where hed been he had left a note saying when he would be back for the next 2 weeks he kept a poker face nora helped him set up his bank account so the sudden spending of 12000 lien did give her pause so she decided to ask him about it

He was sitting on his bed reading some Treatise about some long-forgotten subject she knocked on the bedpost and he looks up “hey Nora did you need something” she sat at the end of his bed “hey what did you spend 12 thousand lien on” he hides his face “please don’t tell anyone it was on something for ruby” she smiles “ah young love I was worried that you wouldn’t make your move so what kind of thing sets you back 12 thousand it’s something big right” he nods his head “its a gun i-i had it commissioned for and it’s not really cause I’m trying to make a move or anything it’s more like a going away gift” Nora frowns and shakes his leg “where you going taking a vacation or something” he feels tears bite the edge of his eyes “Nora the merge it’s soon I know it won’t be long until I’m gone and I want you all to remember me but her especially I don’t want to be just a memory” he struggles to keep the tears at bay but nora pulls him into a hug tighter but somehow softer than her usual ones “hey you will never ever be just a memory you will always be you and even if your not you'll always be one of us we all love you so much” and then the damn breaks and he sobs into her shoulder “i don't wanna go away nora i want to live i wanna go to school see my aunt again” she rubs his back and says “i know sweetie you'll get to do all that ok i promise” he sniffles “nora i need you to do something for me if i do disappear ok i need you to go back to my aunt and tell her everything ok it can't be oz ok don't tell her how to find him it won't make sense i'll just hurt worse i dont want that for her” she nods “i won't ever have to do that ok but i promise” she holds him until he stops crying and they take a a a nap they always helped him calm down

Finally, after a long 2 weeks, he goes to pick it up when he goes inside Mr. Baikal shows him the box it’s a beautiful dark red mahogany wood he opens the case and looks at the pistol inside its silvered handle and barrel were beautiful he’s almost afraid to touch it the engravings were perfect exactly as he had drawn them if not better the moon and rose he had designed look perfect he takes it gently in his hands he looks down the sights the night sights glow a brilliant carmine red he looks at the magazine even it was of an amazing quality everything down to the smallest detail was exactly as he pictured it he sets it back into the case “thank you, mister, Bikal it's absolutely perfect” Mr. Bikal smiles and nods “I’m glad everything is to your satisfaction Mr pine if you find there is anything wrong with it or you want something changed everything I make comes with a lifetime warranty the paperwork is in the case as well as a certificate stating that I am in fact its builder” they shake hands and oscar takes it home in his bag he excitedly gets back to his dorm he sets it down still in his bag on his bed now all he have to do is give it to her

He sits on it for a few days but finally decides to just give it to her oz has his reservations about this but decided that oscar deserves this to maybe say goodbye in his own way

Ruby was going on walks around shade it’s something he noticed so he waited for her to go on one of those walks it was cool in vacuo at night the air was nice compared to the oppressive heat of the day she was meandering along the walkways he followed behind her a bit the case hung heavy in his bag even tho it wasn’t heavy at all after a while she sits at an old wooden bench overlooking the gardens he approaches and she perks up “oh hey oscar are you going somewhere” she says pointing to his bag he shakes his head “do you mind if I sit” she shakes her head “no go-ahead did you need to talk, something about Theodore?” he sits down on the other side of the bench gently setting his bag between them “no uh no I just uh I wanted to give you something” he opens his bag and takes the case out holding it out to her she takes it “it’s not my birthday is it this looks really nice you didn't have to do this” ruby says smiling “well i've been wanting to do something nice for you” oscar says rubbing the back of his neck she lifts the top and gasp gently lifting it from its case “oscar this is this is amazing” she drops the magazine and pulls the slide back making sure its clear and runs her hand along the engraving her symbol etched into the left side of the grip “oh thanks i uh actually designed it myself oz helped me with the math” she looks at him her eyes wide “oscar it took me 8 attempts to successfully design a functioning crescent rose gun design is really hard how long did you spend on this” oscar blushes “the idea kinda started in atlas i was gonna ask you to help me make one so i wouldn't have to rely on my cane but everything happen and when you were gone i kept messing with the idea and i kept thinking about you so i kinda ended up designing it for you more than me eventually do you like it” ruby scoffs “oscar do i like it i love it its probably the single greatest gift anyones ever given me” he smiles wide “really that makes me really happy I was worried you wouldn’t like it” she sets it back gently into its case “really Oscar it’s amazing you have a knack for design your gonna have to show me the draft notes and everything cause this is this is amazing I can’t wait to shoot it this is wow” she chokes up and he leans down “ruby are you ok” she nods wiping her face of nonexistent tears “no worries this is just really cool and sweet and god your so amazing” he felt his heart flutter and his cheeks heat up “the guy who built it that bikal guy you talked about was just as great as you always said” she puts a hand on his shoulder “are you telling me Hephaestus bikal made this Oscar” she says seriously “uh yeah why is that bad” she kisses his cheek and squeals “oh my god your amazing this is now even better god I could die happy wait his rates are insane how did you afford this” still recoiling from the kiss he bites his lip “uh huntsmen work” she narrows her eyes “how much did this cost Oscar it had to be expensive” he shakes his head “not telling it’s a gift you don’t need to worry about it just enjoy it” she punches his arm “I will but I am going to repay you for this somehow ok” “you already did” he says quietly he says rubbing the back of his neck “ruby I don’t really know how long I have left and I would like to spend at least some of it with you I understand if you don’t I know it might make it harder when I’m gone bu-whoa” he’s pulled into a hug she pulls his head into her shoulder and holds him tight “I wanna spend more time with you too but you will always be Oscar ok oz is oz you are you” he sighs and smiles “see what I mean by paying me back”

Fickle Love (Akaashi x Reader x Bokuto)

A/N: So this was supposed to be for Akaashi's birthday...whoops. But its here now lmao ngl I just kinda wrote with no idea in mind and this is what ended happening so yeah. Hope you enjoy and happy late birthday to Akaashi 💞

Details: 7.8 pages 2,758 words

Date: December 8th, 2020

Warnings: Mentions of poly relationships I guess, angst if you squint, Gn! Reader not really a warning but I didn't know where else to put it

Theme: Akaashi wasn't the best when it came to love. Having a habit of ignoring you and burying himself in work. Leading you to turn to Bokuto which leads to some revelations and a question for Akaashi.

Love was a fickle thing Akaashi knew. People fell in and out of love all the time so he never trusted love. He didn't want love he wanted to avoid it. Avoid the heartbreak he was positive would follow. But instead he met you a bright-eyed student in his class. It took almost nothing for you to mesh yourself into his life completely and making yourself comfortable like you belonged there.

It took even less time for you to weasel your way into his heart and make yourself comfortable. Only a year after you'd met and he asked you out deciding that love may not have been as fickle as he thought.

Four years later and he knew he had been wrong love was indeed fickle and his proof was in the sight across the street from him. There you stood hands clasped around Bokuto's as he kissed your cheek. He waved before running off and Akaashi rushed home preparing for the worst.

A few hours later you slipped through the door "Keiji? I'm home!" You called hearing the soft pads of feet come up to you. Love was fickle he knew you were going to lie when he asked his next question "Hey Y/n. What did you do today?" You suprised him though. Only after you'd gotten over the shock of being called Y/n and not darling.

"I went to lunch with Bokuto today," You said happily slipping off your coat and hanging it up. He certainly didn't expect you to be honest about what you did today. He loosened up a tad bit in response "Oh? Why?" You laughed at his question "Bo needs contact with us you know that. But you haven't been answering his calls so we went shopping and I filled him in on how you were. Afterwards I treated him to lunch as a thank you," You smiled up at him eyes bright with nothing hidden.

"Yeah? Did you guys hold hands so he wouldn't lose you?" He joked and you shook your head "He grabbed my hands at the end of lunch because I promised him I'd bring you next time," you had laughed remembering the incident. Relief flooded him then no of course you weren't cheating on him that'd be insane. You were as loyal as Bokuto was plus he couldn't keep a secret to save his life and neither could you. He relaxed as he realized how wrong he was to assume something.

"Im sorry," He said suddenly while you tilted your head in confusion. "What for?" You had asked before Akaashi leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead. "I forgot to give you your welcome home kiss," He rolled off casually hiding the fear he'd felt earlier. This fear had only continued to grow as the days went on but it was his fault anyway.

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"Keiji are you free today?" "No I'm busy," "Oh...Okay," 

"Keiji we haven't gone on a date in weeks!" "Im not stopping you from going out somewhere," "I want to go out with you though,"

"Keiji-" "Im busy Y/n,"

Two weeks this cycle continued as you walked to Akaashi's at home office. Two taps against the door and you opened it "Kei-" His eyes snapped up frustration was on his face but he took a breath before it faded. "What?" You sighed turning to leave again "...Im going out to lunch with Kotaro again. He says hi by the way," You left the room quickly and Akaashi blinked 'Kotaro?' Surely you meant Bokuto but there was no way you two were on a first name basis it'd only been a few days since the last lunch.

His eyes landed on the calender and he froze what had only been a few days to him was actually two weeks but still too short for a first name basis. You'd only know Bokuto for a few months and he'd known the male for years and still never used his first name.

He sighed returning to his work. He'd question you when you got back from lunch he didn't have the time to right now. Nor did he know your location so going to find you was like a needle in a haystack. A very big bustling city of a haystack and the needle being you with a slightly bigger needle in the shape of a volleyball player next to you.

He continued work for a few hours before his office door was thrown open. He expected many things when he looked up but he didn't expect Bokuto. But what got him was the fact that Bokuto was furious it was a look he'd never seen before on him. The glare he had on his face was enough to make Akaashi freeze. 

He knew Bokuto was typically happy like a dog but right now he felt fearful since now he staring down an angry German Shepard who was defending their owner. It was silent for a long moment before Bokuto spoke. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Akaashi felt his blood turn to ice at the tone Bokuto used.

"W-what?" He cursed silently at his own stutter Bokuto would latch onto the weakness he showed. "Whats today Akaashi?" Bokuto had asked in that same icy tone. It was so razor sharp and cold that Akaashi was convinced the room cooled and ten degrees.

"...Its December 1st Bokuto-san," He elected to answer the question instead of ask why Bokuto didn't call him Keiji. Based on the mood Bokuto was displaying he didn't expect to be called Keiji. However supplying the date only seemed to rile him up more as his glare sharpened.

Akaashi shivered involuntarily at it "Are you forgetting something?" He barked out and it was then that Akaashi realized Bokuto hadn't blinked yet. "No," he was confident in the answer. Your birthday wasn't until b/d and his was in four days. Bokutos had already passed but said male wouldn't have been mad at him. Sad maybe but not mad.

"Oh really? Then tell me why Y/n is at my place crying because you forgot that today is your anniversary," Bokuto had stepped towards him in anger and Akaashi took in involuntarily step back in fear. "They're at your place?" Akaashi asked and Bokutos jaw clenched.

"Yeah. And they are going to stay there until you sort yourself out," Bokuto growled turning and slamming the door closed with enough force to crack it. Akaashi stood frozen for a few extra moments trying to regain his composure after being afraid. He shook his head as he processed Bokuto's last sentence.

No you'd always come back to him, even if a fight had broken out between him and you, you would always come back. You had to come back he was your fiancé and the wedding was going to be in the upcoming w/f/s/s so he continued to work shaking off his encounter with Bokuto that had manage to worm a tiny bit of fear back into his heart.

__________________________________________________

Akaashi didn't fully leave his office again until December 5th. He'd left it plenty of times before then but only for something quick eat or the bathroom or something to drink. In these moments he never bothered to look around the place but now on his birthday he did.

He expected to be greeted by your sparkling voice like you had done for the past four years but instead the house was silent. "Y/n?" He called out walking around the house was still perfectly clean. The last time he could recall hearing you was on the first with the vacuum running and the patter of your feet running around.

Since then he realizes the house had been silent except for his movements. As he walked into the dining room something glinted on the table in the early morning light. When he turned to look he froze there was your engagement ring. The thin band of silver sat there almost mockingly on a yellow sticky note.

He picked up the note and written on it were a few simple words. 'They aren't coming home - Bokuto' his brain filled in the missing words Bokuto had told him a few days ago "Not until I fix myself," he mumbled thumbing at the sticky in his hands. He knew what Bokuto meant he'd been borderline ignoring you for weeks to work.

Thoughts of your anniversary had left his mind but he didn't think it was that bad until right now. Forgetting had been the final nail in the coffin for you but he still had a chance. You weren't gone forever just temporarily misplaced. He rushed to shower and go buy flowers his brain running a mile a minute trying to figure out how to get you back and apologize.

He felt nervous and he was unsure of why until he remembered where you had taken up residence. Bokuto had never been scary to him, just a bright ball of happiness but the fear Bokuto had instilled in him a few days ago had lingered, and he was about to walk right into the lion's den.

__________________________________________________

He couldn't see you as he approached the door. Maybe you were tucked away upstairs or in a place the windows didn't show but he'd seen Bokuto. The male was pacing clearly on edge and definitely dangerous but Akaashi would have to face him sooner or later so with a shaking hand he knocked.

Only half a second later the door swung open and Bokuto stood there mouth set in a hard line. Akaashi fought to supress the shiver that wanted to trail up his spine. "Is Y/n here?" He asked and once again cursed himself for sounding so meek. It was just Bokuto he wouldn't hurt him the man couldn't even hurt a fly! Although that sentiment didn't hold much when he felt like he was staring down the loaded barrel of a gun.

"Yes," Bokuto answered after a few beats of silence. His eyes raked over Akaashi's form judging him and seeing if he was ready to have Y/n back. "Can I see them? I'd like to talk," He was definitely playing with fire when Bokuto looked back up at his eyes. "About what?" He asked lowly Akaashi noted that Bokuto was staying quiet which meant you had to be downstairs. "I'd like to apologize for ignoring them and forgetting our anniversary," Bokuto nodded once before swinging the door closed.

He blinked in mild suprise "Bo-Bokuto-san?" He questioned wondering where he went wrong that warranted the door being closed. He was about to knock again when the door opened revealing you. Your h/c hair was slightly messy and e/c eyes half lidded in sleep.

What Akaashi didn't like was the MSBY jersey that swallowed you figure. The number 12 emblazoned on the front and long enough to cover your thighs. He couldn't tell if you were wearing pants but he hoped you did. You never walked around his house like this unless it was after a fun night but he couldn't assume things. Not now and he especially couldn't accuse you of cheating when Bokuto was on the staircase right behind you.

He could see that the golden eyed male was poised to attack when the conversation would start heading south. You tilted your head in confusion "Hello Akaashi," You had mumbled and he did flinch then. No pet names or his first name no, you had decided on formal. "Hi darling," He whispered the pet name but you merely shook your head.

"Why are you here?" The genuine confusion on your face made Akaashi feel a lot worse about everything. "Im here to apologize and seeing as its my birthday id like my present from you to be going on one date with me," He said slowly "Please," was tacked on as an afterthought. You turned your head eyes meeting Bokuto's and Akaashi hated the jealousy that crawled up his spine when his eyes softened.

"Um actually Akaashi I wanted to talk to you about something," Your hands had balled into fists tightly gripping the hem of the shirt you wore. A nervous habit you had whenever something scared you. He felt his heart drop in response to those words and you shook your head. "No no! It's nothing bad- well I guess that depends on how you feel about it," You were quick to try and sooth him and Akaashis heart swelled at the fact that right now even if you weren't getting along you still worried about him.

He didn't even realize you had led him inside until he was on the couch. His eyes trailed over you figure as you sat across from him. The shirt rode up enough exposing part of your thigh and Akaashi could see the hem of a pair of shorts. They followed their path until his eyes rested on the new gold band around your ring finger. It was decorated in a series of small gems that were the same blue as his eyes and he took a deep breath.

"What is it?" He lightly questioned when the silence began suffocating him. Bokuto was behind him somewhere he felt the stare being burned into his back. The second this conversation possibly turned south Bokuto was ready to jump in. "Well...I was wondering how you felt about the two of us becoming um...three of us?" You looked down afterwards hands nervously ringing together.

"...three of us?" He wanted more clarification were you implying a kid or something else? You hummed meeting his eyes before they flickered to the male that was behind him 'oh' it pieced itself together then. You were implying a poly relationship with him and Bokuto. He must have been quiet for too long since your hands began rubbing at your sides.

He scrambled for an answer he knew he was unbothered by it but this was...The two of you were only a few months away from getting married and you wanted to add Bokuto into the mix? Now of all times? He took a shuttering breath as he thought.

"Well...I guess I have to call the restaurant and tell them to change the reservation for three people then," he offered a small smile and your head whipped up. "Really?" You whispered and he could only supply a nod. 

"Yeah now when I'm busy with work the both of you can harass me into taking a break," it was a poor attempt at a joke but you had laughed anyway. He heard a chuckle from behind him as well and he breathed out a sigh of relief. "Keiji are you sure? I don't wanna make you uncomfortable or anything...," you trailed off and he smiled "im sure but are you sure about Bokuto? Hes a little chaotic," He asked "Hey!" Bokuto had an immediate reaction to the accusation.

You laughed reaching out and taking his hand "So is it a fancy dinner place?" You asked as Bokuto came over to take your free hand. He watched your thumb move back and forth across Bokutos hand a comforting gesture and he noticed the minute shake of Bokuto's hand. Unconsciously he reached out with his free hand and took Bokuto's which seemed to startle him slightly as wide gold eyes met his.

Akaashi gave a light squeeze and Bokuto settled with a sigh. "Its the restaurant I originally proposed at so yeah I'd go with fancy," he answered after a second. "You're making me get dressed up for your birthday dinner? Despicable really," you dramatically sighed and he found himself laughing. "Well I suppose we don't have to go since you've already given me the best present I could ask for today," He smiled tilting his head to the side and looking at Bokuto who was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a look of concern on his face.

"You alright Bo?" He looked up at the unfamiliar nickname eyes meeting Akaashi's once again. "M'fine just...I don't own a suit," He said quietly. The silence that stretched afterwards for a long moment before you broke it. "Kotaro what do you mean you don't own a suit you're a professional athlete!" "It wasn't an issue until now!" He shouted back love was fickle yes but as he watched you and Bokuto interact he knew

It was fickle but he wouldn't trade it in for anything.

So a lot has changed in such a short amount of time since I started this blog, ive disconnected from the world of tumblr and ventured away into the world. I got to spend the Christmas holidays with my son for the first time in his life! So that's something extremely special for me.

But with that being said I nearly didn't make it last year, My mental health deteriorated immensely. I was self medicating with alcohol and trying to cope with a mentally abusive girlfriend who eventually turned physical. One night I had a big day working out on my aunties property and fell asleep on the lounge watching a movie. She innocently woke me up and helped me to bed, cute right?

Well that all of a sudden changed, as I quickly fell back asleep after being physically exhausted and not needing to take my sleeping meds which is unheard of in my life for the past 6 years. She shook me and woke me up. She had forgotten to turn the TV off in the lounge room. I barely woke up and mumbled "no baby, can you do it im exhausted and I fell back asleep instantly". The next thing I know I have this extreme stinging pain in my back. Turns out she cracked it and hit me as hard as she could. (I'm not a big guy, I'm 5'8 and weigh about 65kg she was shorter but considerably heavier than me) and I dont know what came over me but I lost it. I jumped up out of bed and started raging. (I don't get angry easy either, I believe everything can be solved through conversation and no confrontation, because confrontation makes my anxiety play up really bad) I'm yelling the absolute house down, saying things along the lines of "I can't fucking believe you" "what is wrong with you" kinda things but obviously swearing and crying. She chased me around the house stopped me from leaving or entering certain rooms while screaming at me to slap her back and get even, this goes on for 30 minutes or so and after being called a piece of shit every day for the past 5 months and everything else because we lived in a smallish country town where work was scarce, and I was finding it hard to find work. She had a job which she was lucky to obtain outside of her normal profession so it gave her some sort of "im better than you complex". So that was it she was in my face again she turned around dropped her shirt and screamed at me to slap her back and I did. I felt horrible the moment I did it. I fucking hate violence, I cannot stand the thought of someone being hurt by my hands as I have been beaten most of my teenage and adult life. She started crying, saying she can't believe I did it back that im the worst person in the world just going nuts at me and she then lunged at me with her nails going for my throat, she had stilleto (or however it's spelt) type nails you know the ones that come to a sharpish point if asked too? So my first thought was to protect myself I grabbed her hands and somehow managed to spin her around and bring her back against my chest where she swung her head back and head butted me (luckily I have a hard head and jaw) I then pushed her onto our bed as I did not want to cause her anymore physical harm she has then bounced off the bed in some weird motion that almost seemed faked and fell on the floor. She then rang the police on me.

I was mortified, I begged her to stop. But that was it, that is when my fate was sealed. I grabbed my shoes, wallet phone and put on my winter coat as it was late autumn at the time. I left into the night and headed to my "safe spot" a place near a lagoon with lots of ducks and geese, I sat there for an hour I heard the siren and saw the police car go past. I cried most of the time, I felt ashamed, sick, useless, a complete piece of shit of a human. I started thinking of how to end my life that night, and I figured it out. I knew what I was going to do, so I headed to the pub, or bar depending on where you are from in the world. I knew that hanging myself sober was an extremely difficult and painful task as I had tried it before. I finished off about 6 or 7 beers at the pub, full strength of course. I rang my grandmother and asked her to stay at hers over night explained the situation. She agreed, that woman has helped raise me and will always be the woman I hold the highest in my life. So I get there she sees that im a bit intoxicated, we have a talk she asks if im okay, and I breakdown a bit she makes us both a cuppa tea and we have a cigarette together before she gets up and goes to bed. At this point I'm just waiting for her to get comfy and doze off so im on my phone my slight buzz is wearing off so I go for a walk up the road to the local pub and have a few beers there. I think I drank another 6 or 7 and decided to go for a walk to the softball/baseball oval to look at the stars and prepare myself for what I was about to do, I had already put rope aside and a pen paper and a torch to write nan a note and tell her to ring the ambulance and police and send them to an exact spot. She wouldn't wake up until after 9am the next morning. So I'd been on the oval for quite some time and decided it was time to go do what I need to do. As I left and was crossing the road the police came out of nowhere and spotted me. I was wearing my favourite NRL teams jersey at the time, so easily spotted. Some would call that luck, but it wasn't. I was arrested and thats when I lost my freedom for 3 months.

Jail was hard, I saw people stabbed and bashed beyond recognition. Drugs and the mental health issues a massive portion of these indigenous and white men had. It was insane, and remember im not a big guy so that was even harder. My first 3 days there my cell mate and I were chillen in our cell then a guy came in and beat the shit out of him and took all of his belongings blood was everywhere I hadn't seen anything that violent in quite some time and I was physically shaken. A few of the boys noticed and came down to talk to me about it all and told me I was fine. I explained my situation with my diagnosis of autism and bpd. And they respected me for being honest and took me under their wing. So long story short jail became a bit easier and I started to get desensitised to the constant aggression and thieves and drug users and all the bullshit that comes with jail. The whole time my now ex was writing me in jail saying how sorry she was and she wish it was different and she would be there for me when im out and that was lovely until I got out. That's when this all takes a turn.

And I think im going to have to do this in parts. Because there is a lot of details behind this. I dont know if anyone will even read or whatever but let me know if you have and I'll try and keep this a regular thing.

Im dying to know, do you have any holiday-themed Steve, Robin, Party, etc. headcanons?

god you KNOW i do!!! first of all i celebrate christmas and i dont rly know anything about other holidays this time of year so im just gonna... work on the assumption that they all celebrate christmas, but if anyone who doesnt celebrate or celebrates something else wants to reblog and add their own hcs i encourage it!!! okay this is gonna be so scattered but:

steve never really liked christmas very much. it was always just stressful and he hated having to spend time with his family and he always got like the most generic expensive boring gifts from his parents and it just wasn't really fun... the first christmas he really got into it was the christmas he spent with nancy and after they broke up, he was like oh christmas just fucking sucks!! but then...

that next christmas dustin invites him over for christmas eve and he brings a pie that he bought from the grocery store and claudia thanks him a million times and he wishes that he'd baked it himself so he didn't feel so guilty

dustin gives him a little baseball bat ornament and claudia is like "oh i thought you played basketball!" and steve is like "oh uh i do but i like baseball too :)" and he and dustin kinda smile at each other and steve ruffles his hair and they watch rudolph on tv and steve is like oh christmas.... is good......

speaking of dustin he always starts thinking about christmas gifts in like october but somehow ends up with absolutely nothing on december 20th and he has to run around in a panic finding gifts for the party

he drinks hot chocolate like a maniac... he doesnt drink water the entire month of december it's hot chocolate or it's nothing

hes one of those people who will say "come on it's christmas!!!" on like the tenth

lucas is one of those people who will say "no asshole it's december tenth"

lucas loves christmas!! he just thinks that it's a day and not a whole fucking month!!! he thinks anything before like december 15th is too much

the only thing he hates about christmas is that his parents always make him and erica pick out gifts for each other with no help from them... and since erica is an evil genius she always gets lucas the perfect gift just so she can hold it over his head for the entire year when he accidentally gets her a toy she already owns

she literally watches him open his present like >:) and lucas is pissed when it's this extremely specific action figure that he's wanted for a long time but he swears he never even mentioned it to anybody

and then he just sits there feeling like a stupid asshole as she unwraps a random doll that lucas figured she might like since its hair looks kind of sort of vaguely like erica's and she's like "thanks lucas :) i think i have this one already but it's sweet" and his parents are like "hey it's the thought that counts! erica see your brother knows what you like :)" and she's like "yeah :)" and then as soon as their parents aren't looking she sticks her tongue out at lucas and he sticks his out back at her

the sinclairs have such a disgustingly perfect christmas like they bake cookies together and shit it's adorable

speaking of adorable families the byers house is so full of love on christmas

almost all of the ornaments on their tree are handmade little crafts from when will and jonathan were younger and they buy tinsel at the dollar store and just go fucking ham with it their tree always looks like a hobby lobby threw up

growing up joyce would usually try to get them some things they need on christmas and then like one or two special things for each of them and she could never buy the fancy new toys that were in all the ads on tv and in magazines but she knows her boys.... jonathan got his first camera on christmas and it was from a secondhand store and kind of dinged up and definitely old as shit but he loved it..... will always got some new construction paper and crayons or markers so by the end of christmas day joyce would have new drawings to put up on the fridge or a new little ornament that he made for her.....

sometime in november jonathan would always be like "okay will i have a secret mission for you, you need to find out something mom needs that we could give her for christmas!" and will would be like "you have to say your mission should you choose to accept it" and jonathan would say "well i know you're gonna accept the mission" and will's like "jonathannnnn" and jonathan would be like "okay fine your mission should you choose to accept it" and will would be like >:) im a spy >:)

so little baby will would action roll around the house humming the mission impossible theme and peeking around walls at joyce and then after like a week he'd say "i think mom needs a stool she keeps jumping to try and reach stuff high up in the cabinets" and jonathan's like awesome thanks and he finds a cheap folding stool and some chocolates that he can afford with whatever money he has saved up and he has will wrap it because he figures it's like ten times cuter that way and joyce cries when she sees the little christmas card will put with the stool for her

i'm going way more in depth than i need to thvjdjcd but basically the byers house is all love man... so much love ..... they don't use colored lights anymore they only use the solid strands but they still have fun decorating together and will makes paper chains and stuff to hang up and i'm about to make myself cry

so!! this is getting super long fjvndmcmd

nancy is absolute dogshit at buying presents for people she's just terrible at it. she always just asks mike and holly and her parents what they want and buys exactly what they tell her and if they don't tell her anything then she has like a mental breakdown about it and panics and buys like. a flannel pajama gift set from the department store.

when she's dating steve he tells her not to worry about getting him anything which she takes at face value until her mom asks what she's giving steve like three days before christmas and then she starts panicking and she goes to a sporting goods store and just asks the first employee she sees what a teenage boy who plays basketball might like

steve can't tell if he should be like happy or vaguely offended that his girlfriend gave him like shoe deodorizers and a water bottle and socks for a sports team that he doesn't root for... she tried though and thats all he cares about

she and jonathan agree they'll exchange gifts but nothing over like MAX fifteen bucks which is easy she just finds a tape or a record she thinks he'll like and she's set (she spends a full hour in the music store and almost just gets a gift certificate for him but eventually she just says fuck it and picks some random shit she's never heard of and hopes he likes whatever it is)

mike on the other hand is actually like... insanely good at gift giving because he pays close attention to the people he cares about and he just like Knows if lucas or dustin or will is gonna like something

he just doesnt really buy into christmas all that much?? it's cool to get free stuff and eat cookies and all but he thinks people make it into a bigger deal than it should be

holly still believes in santa though so he likes seeing how excited she gets on christmas... it warms his cold tween boy heart.....

the first christmas he gets to spend with el he turns into a fucking christmas enthusiast and he makes her hot chocolate and gives her a tape full of christmas songs and he asks his mom for a bigger gift allowance because he has a GIRLFRIEND now and she's never- uh, THEY'VE never celebrated christmas TOGETHER so it has to be SPECIAL MOM!!!!

karen is like buddy calm down but it's so nice to see him excited about something again that she caves and gives him like forty bucks and tells him not to tell nancy or his dad

el and hopper christmas... i cannot go into detail or i WILL cry but hopper takes her with him to pick out their tree and she's so meticulous about it like examining all of them and he's just standing there in the cold freezing his ass off letting her do her thing because she's so excited that he doesn't have the heart to tell her they're basically all the same and to just hurry up and pick one

he gives her a lot of books... there are so many books under their ugly fucking tree because el picks one thats extremely crooked because she says it seems nice and hopper cant find any of his old decorations so they have to start from scratch...

el enlists the whole party for help finding hopper a present because it has to be the best present of all time!!!! they're like well what does he like and she's like uh tv.... coffee.... gun...... and they're like uh we can get him a coffee mug?

so on christmas morning el presents him with a "BEST DAD" mug full of candy and he hugs her so she won't see that he's fucking crying

she also gives max a drawing she did of max as wonder woman and it isn't very good but max says it's her favorite present she's ever gotten and she keeps it folded up in her nightstand

max has mixed feelings about christmas

i should not have saved her for last this is depressing

fuck her family fuck all of that okay max spends christmas eve with the sinclairs and christmas day with el because her mom and neil don't really feel like celebrating this year and so for the first time in a long time her christmas is full of love and joy and hopper makes them cinnamon rolls for breakfast which el has never had before and it's great

the party usually does a big gift swap and they don't get each other anything too fancy or expensive but it's sweet... they all gather in mike's basement like the day after christmas and eat the leftovers from the wheelers' christmas dinner and give each other comics and action figures and dice

once robin enters the picture she and steve lowkey get smashed on christmas eve together off peppermint schnapps and they play rockin around the christmas tree like ten times and jump around until they get dizzy...

they give each other little things like every other day leading up to christmas so by the end of december they've exchanged gifts like ten times but it isn't their FAULT okay!!! steve just saw these earrings and thought of her so he got them... and robin couldn't just leave that wham! crop top sitting in the store...... and steve couldn't resist the cheap bff necklaces he found while looking for a gift for erica....... and what is robin meant to do, ignore the stuffed kermit doll she saw in a store window?

it's just unrealistic

i like to think that everybody gathers at the byers house for lunch or dinner on christmas eve... they just hang out and exchange presents and make cookies and watch christmas movies and argue over which ones suck and which ones are actually good...... they just spend time together without any fear or danger and it's good

watching the 1990 LOTF movie!! my reactions:

hello all!!!! i was bored at midnight again so here it is: me watchin the 1990 movie, for the first time, hell yeah!!!!! here we go!!! its got the other movie to live up to, so im excited for a comedy lmao!! tl;dr at end if u want!!! its kinda long btw lmao

- castle rock entertainment??? piggy u better watch out bro

- fuck is that the pilot???

- k this isnt a big thing but why are they in water? the plane left a scar in the earth, they were on land.

- okay, again, me nitpicking. but idk, to me, they dont look 12?? maybe its just cause theyre all dressed up n that but they dont look like 12 yr olds to me like the last movie

- why tf does ralph (?) have a glowstick lmaooooo

- why are they all together. where is my conch. wher are my stupid ass choir outfits. maybe im not there yet and they have them, but i want my stupid cloaks!!! jack would not stand for this!!!

- why TF is the pilot alive???

- am i supposed to know whos who by now?? did i just miss that?? which ones ralph? which ones jack?? wheres simon???

- conch??? the conchs main job is to bring them together, and here theyre already together so???

- piggy already makin me love him gosh piggy is child

- okay so im guessing brown hair kid is ralph

- piggy protecting conch rights

- i do like piggys sass... very iconic

- okay whAT??? is that blonde kid supposed to be jack?? first off, jack has red hair. second off, there is no way in hELL THAT MY basTARD child jack merridew would let ralph win the election just like that??? wheres my choir??? wheres my c sharp???

- okay jack would for sure call piggy shitbrain nvm

- mY CHOIR WOULD NOT ACCEPT THAT SINGING. 

- wheres simon????

- r they fuckin cookin lizards??? nvm look away simon pls dont be in this

- is thAT BITCH supposed to be Simon?? hes got a lot to look up to. also why the FUCK is the adult alive. taht ruins the whole purpose of the entire book

- was that a dream??? sorry im dumb af lmao

- alrght simon is kind of an adorable hild and he likes lizard maybe hes valid?

- idk.. for some reason this ralph isnt like, giving me ralph vibes?? hes just not bring like ralphish u know??

- now im getting a little bit more of our beloved lil bitch ralph..

- okay wtf is going on lmao

- “SHOVE THEIR DICK IN THE CONCH” had me laughing for a solid fucking 30 minutes. william golding who??? whoever wrote that line is the new icon

- ‘EAT SHIT AND DIE”  okay wtffff im so confused but also vv entertained

- for some reason jack’s character is like 100% off, but also somehow 100% on point “thats exactly what i meant” like holy shit. like idk hes not jack but just sometimes he radiates “jack if he was allowed to swear and was less of a lil bitch” energy

- ok simon and lizard?? valid

- i swear to FUCKING GOD i will kill that child!!!

- im gonna cry. wtf. why would you kill his lizard. even this movie’s jack seems like he thinks thats fucked up and hes a psychopath. also, lemme say, at this point, i think most of the book characters would beat the shit out of someone if they were mean to simon like that, bc the choir were his friends, and ralphs tribe respected him, sooooo

- why tf is it simons job to take care of the adult that shouldnt even be there? liek wtf hes grieving asshole

- no fucking duh hes scared of everyone but simon i would be too 

- honestly kinda glad they let ralph say fuck he deserved it

- “back off man im sick of ur shit and sos my gang” fuckin got em

- let me guess pilot dude is the new beast???

- honestly wtf is goin on lmao

- okay piggys actor actually made me sd when he was crying about his glasses so good job

- simon comin through with the glowstick. also, good job simon

- well at least the lord of the flies looks terrifying as always

- are samneric putting on warpaint this early?? bc i WILL NOT stand for that shit. i am a samneric STAN Ok??? they were two of the tHREE left when simon died who didnt become cowards and go savage. they wree LOYAL to ralph until they were LITERALLY tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then they helped ralph!!!! so fuck u. samneric are better than that.

- oh simon :(

- im glad they actually kind of (?) shwed simon like with the pig head bc last movei it was just ike them flipping the camera from pig to si so idkk

- ok that was a pretty ralph move to bring up the fire 24/7 lmao

- piggytits?? tf

- simon with hus fuckin glowstick lmao

- awe, simon

- okay HOLY SHIT. the sounds of what i assume to be them fucking stabbing simon are horrific. and then that cut to simon’s fucking mutiliated corpse?? holy SHIT. like as much as im complaining, thats the gruesome shit i expect from this book. i was expecting them to shy away from it bc its so awful, but im SO glad they didnt, bc that gave me fuckin chills. finally, something i can praise them on. thats the lord of the flies i expect. 

- i feel bad for ralph.. good job

- ok good. samneric came back. good job again.

- ok. nvm. the disrespect to my loyal children. alright.

- okay that child screaming as hes being whipped?? wtf.

- ok that line of piggy being scared that the russians will take them nad make them go into the olympics? gold. 

- piggys laugh is so pure

- why the fuCK are they finding instruments lmao

- poor piggy

- did roger just wolf whistle at ralph what the fuck is going on

- holy SHIt this movie does not hold back on the blood. but, wheres my conch explosion?? if ur gonna show him getting hit u gotta show the conch exploding. although, the conch means like nothing in this movie lmao

- okay wow piggys dead body cool cool cool

- ralph fucking YEETED that kid to the ground lmao

- okay, ralph crying?? good acting

tl;dr/conclusion/my thoughts: hooooo boy so i see why everyone likes 1960 one better. 

first, lets start with the obvious: why this isnt lord of the flies. because its not. if this wasnt telling me that its lord of the flies, i would think of it as that, really. first off, the conch. the conch represents civility, it brings them together. its important. when piggy dies, it dies, representing how all civility is now gone. i maybe saw the conch three times this movie. didnt do anything.

second, the pilot, captain whatever. the point of the beast to me is that they made it up. sure, the corpse was real, but it didnt pose a threat, it was simply a corpse. they made it into what it was, therefore proving that they are the beast. sure, the pilot here was harmless, but he grbbed a boy’s foot and was therefore making himself a possible threat. maybe its not a big deal i guess.

third, the characters. the point of lord of the flies is that they are rich kids who havent gone through anything. theyre the perfect, spoiled kids who havent done anything wrong. half of them are in choir. chOIR. in this movie, lets take jack for example. they said he stole  a car and got sent to military school. no. the point of jack is that he was a perfect kid. leader of choir. he was manipulitive and got even ADULTS to trust him. its part of hs character, showing that this perfect choir leader kid went fucking insane to prove how literally everyone can be evil. also samneric???? the direspect!! they were loyal to ralph until they were tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then, after roger like beat the shit out of them, they were STILL loyal. fuck you.

so those are the MAIN reasons why it wasnt lotf. 

now, what i liked i guess.

the swearing was NOT lotf, and it didnt fit with the story, but ill admit that i laughed, so i guess thats a plus.

second, i liked how they showed the gore, i guess? sounds weird, hear me out. lord of the flies is a gruesome, violent, awful book. theres descriptions of death in detail, and im so glad they showed it. when simon’s body was there, literally torn to shreds? the shock of it, the true savagery you see that these boys murdered him SO violently, is amazing, because thats the essence of lotf. simons death shows how theyve lost all their civility, and showing such a gruesome corpse really brings that through. so good job.

and now, of course, the obvious: thats not the characters i pictured when i read the story. simon doesnt look like that, ralph doesnt look like that, jack doesnt look like that.

 where did the choir go, too? forgot to mention that, and i think that also adds into the whole, theyre supposed to be perfect kids and then become savage thing. also, the choir was a group. they voted for jack and went with him for a reason. 

so yea, thats that. dont know why people would read this lmao but thats my thoughts!!!! i just need to keep myself busy when i watch movies and to make sure i focused, i figured id just write down my thoughts as i went. if u wanna watch for free, look up lord of the flies 1990 google drive. 

;)))) and yea im posting this at 230 am lmao why not

Strange occurrences (requested)

its the first day back to school and Ben, Claire and Tim is walking home after a boring first day of school as the summer sun is still brightly shining down at them scorching the sidewalk and them Ben look over at Claire and sighs ''that can't be real...you're probably just sleep deprived because its hot as hell...'' Claire pouts and looks over at him ''No! i promise, i saw some strange lights in the sky! it was real!'' She nods seriously as their other friend Tim laughs with them as they walk home from school on this hot august day ''So you saw some bright lights in the sky and just assumed it was an UFO? it could have been a plane or something'' Claire pouts ''yeah but it didnt look like one and it looked like it was standing still...but i dont know...i'm not saying it was an ufo i'm just saying it was crazy'' Ben nods ''maybe it was an ufo, that would be kinda cool tho'' Tim nods ''Yeah, wonder what they would have looked like...'' They all nod and agree as they start imagining what they would have looked like ''But it was probably just something else'' Claire nods seriously Ben wipes some sweat from his forehead and looks up at the sky Ben then sighs and takes a sip from his bottle of soda ''Damn it's hot...i cant like...focus and i'm all tired from waking up early and going to school again...'' Tim and Claire agrees with him as they keep on chatting about their day and telling stories of the summer vacation they had ''so like...you were home the whole summer Ben?'' Ben nods at her ''Yeah...my mom was sick then my sister got sick and when they got better they just stayed at home since mom bought a pool so...i guess that was good enough'' Claire looks over at him ''but i thought...Tina was kinda rich isnt she ?'' Ben just shrugs ''she has money but like...i dont know what she spends it on, other than food and stuff, she does buy expensive outfits a lot but...she dont really travel much'' 'oh yeah...speaking of outfits...'' Tim chimes in ''Who you gonna invite for the winter ball Claire?'' Ben blushes gently as he hear Tim asking about it so nonchalantly Claire just shrugs '' i am not sure yet...and its in like 5 months...im not stressing about it right now'' ''Fair enough ''Tim says and looks over at Ben ''You going to ask her out Ben ? dont you got a crush on Claire?'' Ben looks over at him blushing but looking angry ''i dont have a crush on Claire...'' Tim just laughs ''no of course not, im sorry'' he grins as Claire is giggling ''Maybe ill ask ben or he will ask me, who knows, its still summer and why are we talking about this now?'' ''just messing with Ben'' Tim laughs as Ben reaches his home ''Ah that went fast, take care guys'' Ben says goodbye to them and find his sister Catherine dripping water in the kitchen getting some soda ''oh, hey little bro, how was school?'' Ben shrugs ''went fine...you swimming in the pool again?'' Catherine nods and smiles ''Yeah me and mom are chilling in the pool since its so hot and all'' Ben nods slowly and head out to the pool where he finds tina chilling on a lounge chair with a glass of cold white wine ''Hey dear how are you ?'' ''I'm good thanks mom'' Ben looks over at her ''inst that a bit early?'' Tina just laughs gently and sips her wine ''Not really, its a nice summer day and i still got my vacation so i'm all good, buuuuuuutttt, did you ask Claire out for the winter ball ?'' ''What the hell....no..why ? its august...'' ''oh ? well you should, time pass and suddenly she might get asked out by someone else'' Tina giggles as Catherine walks out ''Maybe its the outfit that's the issue, remember the time you bought him a prom dress ?'' Tina giggles and nods ''Yeah, that was fun, to bad you didnt wear it'' they both giggle as Ben sighs ''....you...why would i ever wear it ? and you even bought it in XS that's to small even for you!'' Tina pouts ''i could probably fit in it'' Ben just sighs and heads back inside and goes and get some food from the kitchen, luckily they had made some food that was still warm so Ben eats some food as Tina and Catherine walks inside ''Hey dear, our pool isnt cold enough so we are going to the beach together can you stay home and make sure nothing happens ?'' Ben sighs ''Nothing is gonna happen, cant you just say you want me to stay home ?'' ''You want to stay home ? Great! See you soon then'' they both smile and head out as Ben is left alone in the house as usual ''they always go out together and make fun of me...but screw them! ill ask out Claire tomorrow and prove it to them im not some coward!'' Ben keeps on eating his food as he imagines himself and Claire at the winter prom together The fake snow on the ground...the slow romantic music being played...them holding hands, Claire in her beautiful prom dress and Ben in his awesome suit looking amazing ''Yeah...'' Ben smiles gently to himself as he imagine them dancing to a song that ends with them embracing a kiss together as the song ends, they look into each other eyes and finally their lips touch making the whole dance magical...a winter miracle Ben smiles to himself still closing his eyes as some of the food on the fork falls down on his lap waking him up from his daydream ''oh..damn...'' Ben sighs Ben finishes up his food and puts the tray away in the washer and heads upstairs But high above him, further than he can see a strange looking portal opens up ''Universal jump complete!, successfully arrived at destination!'' a strange robotic voice is heard inside the strange capsule that slowly exits from the portal, inside the capsule the robotic AI keeps on talking ''planet confirmed to be earth, now scanning for Host'' a screen inside the ship lights up as it scans the people of earth til it lands on Ben ''Host found, Begin mission'' The capsule flies towards earth and its destination as the ones inside looks on at the screen and drives the capsule looking aircraft towards its destination After a refreshing shower i grab a towel and start drying myself with it and walk over to my room to find some clothes, i look in my underwear and pick up some boxers as i turn to the mirror and notice something behind me, i quickly turn around and looks at it, it looks like some kinda drone...but not like any i've seen before, i freak out and throw the towel at it ''Dammit! stop doing shit like that!'' i yell at it thinking its the neighbors fooling around again since i know he has a drone but...it looks much more...detailed and different than last time i saw it, i keep looking at it still feeling freaked out as its just flying there in mid-air i slowly walk over and look at it and gently poke it as i feel the metal again my skin i walk over to the window to look if someone is messing with me but i cant see anyone which...makes sense considering if it was some prank why would they just stand on the outside, i walk back and look at the drone and notice that it doesn't seem to have a camera at all for some strange reason it then lights up slowly and look at me as i close the curtains ''Target found: scanned target is identified as Ben, race, human, skin: Caucasian'' ''What the...'' i stand there looking at it in a gentle state of shock ''how does it know my name ? and target ?'' ''Releasing life form for current how'' it says in the same robotic tone as it opens up and inside the drone some weird looking slime is pulsating inside it, its wriggling and jiggling inside the drone looking almost lifelike or...like the symbiote parasite from the spiderman universe i take a gentle closer look at it as i'm taken back as it jumps out of the drone and lands on my hand in an instant i freak out and wiggle my arms trying to get it of but it sticks to my arm like well...slime, i then try to use my other arm to push it but as i do the slime grabs onto my other arm as well leaving both my arms and hands stuck inside the slimey substance and i can feel it crawling up my skin ''What the hell is this!'' i scream shocked and afraid as i keep waving my arms trying to get it off me ''Get off me! get off me!!!'' i yell to no avail as it keeps on creeping up ''this is insane, what is this thing!'' i wiggle my arms even more as some of the slime does fall of but slowly just creeps onto my legs instead ''What the hell is this thing!'' i scream loudly as i keep trying to get it of me the slime on my legs starts to slowly creep up my legs and covering my stomach as the one on my arms does the same thing, slowly covering my entire body from the neck down to my feet i try to move but for some reason i can barely move my feet, its like the slime is restricting my movements as well making it hard to walk my arms feels the same as i can barely hold them out as i just lose the feeling in my arms and they just hang down as i feel the slime pulsating around me ''i cant move...someone! help!'' i yell out but no one hears my call for help the drone then starts ''speaking'' again in the same robotic voice ''Target is requesting explanation of situation, contacting headquarters for permission....waiting....waiting...waiting'' ''Headquarters ? what is going on...'' i say feeling pretty weak it goes on like that for a bit til it stops repeating the same words and says something else ''Affirmative, can respond, Target named Ben is covered in the living substance slowly entering the pores in his human body rewriting the DNA and body structure of host'' ''What ? altering my body ?`what ? who sent you! '' i manage to say as i look at it ''The artificial slime is created in a lab by us to rewrite human DNA and body structure once in contact with host, it wont release its grip til alteration is complete'' ''Yeah...i heard that but...'' ''Human host is asking questions which makes no sense based on the situation, repeating what was just told'' it repeats what it just said again ''Who sent you!'' i yell out at it ''Information about that is classified'' ''Well fine! but if i change i demand to know i cant just move on without knowing that!'' ''Error, Error, when host takes over it will control the current body, you will have nothing to say former host based on previous experience will be a passenger in the new body yet still capable of feeling the same human emotions the new form will experience'' ''What ?'' i say feeling taken back by that answer feeling a sense of dread coursing trough my body as my eyes widen ''you...you cant do this...i have a life...i am...you can't!'' ''irrelevant! irrelevant, proceeding to next phase in 10 seconds...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2....1...transformation starting now'' i stare in horror at the drone as my right arm lifts up by itself and the slime is slowly creeping into my body, slowly changing my arm as it does, my skin turns a gentle brown color it also grows longer, a gold bracelet forms around my wrist and my fingernails turns longer and a coat of red nail polish is slowly applied to my fingers but to my horror i can now feel my arm again, it feels lighter and smoother for some reason as i try to move my right hand it feels like its moving on its own but its not over yet as the same happens to my left arm, slowly changing as well and growing longer to fit the size of the right arm, they look pretty much the same except the bracelet on this arm is pink instead i look at my arms as they are moving around outside of my control and fixing on the bracelet as i notice they are...much darker in skin tone than my own white skin ''W-Wait ? are you turning me into...a woman ? a black woman ?'' ''Affirmative, that is the current command of the slime's procedure yes, Current end goal is a female human'' Before i could react the slime that was covering my legs seeped into my skin changing my skin tone, growing longer and smoother going up to my thighs as i can feel them getting more wider in the leg area, as my feet starts moving on their own, one leg rises up as a coat of red nail polish is slowly applied to an a pair of gold high heels slowly forms around them, it then puts the foot back down and lifts up the other as the same happens to that with the nail polish and the shoes it then put the other foot down as i stand there in high heels, i can feel it around my feet but...it feels strange, although i can feel my arms and legs i cant move them... yet i struggle to keep my balance for a second but the slime keeps my balance fine it's a strange sensation i can't really describe as i look down at my legs  with horror, the slime is still covering my stomach up to my neck as well... the slime slowly seeps into my skin around my waist and lower regions as i can feel my waist slimming in on itself and my stomach getting flatter as i struggle a bit to breathe as it happens ''Current status is 45% complete, will keep on reporting'' the drone says as i look over at it and can feel something strange inside me i struggle to breathe as i feel something between my legs, first i can feel an intense pain in my lower stomach like someone just hit me in the nether regions for a bit til i feel my manhood slowly shrinking and going into my body, i feel a slight tingle and i feel a gentle sense of dizziness then nothing....it fades away almost as soon as it hit me then i feel it, my whole body is tingling and i feel a gentle warmth inside me as i can feel something between my legs, a wet..feeling and some panties forming down there i start to freak out as i know whats going on, my manhood is gone replaced with...the womanhood of this body....the feeling of the panties against my skin but as i try to react i can just feel more happening across my body...my butt grows bigger and rounder making it plump and nice i try to force myself to move my arms but nothing works as the slime on my shoulders seeps into my skin reshaping my shoulders to match my current bodily form and arms lastly the last slime on my body seeps into the skin around my chest, it feels like i was punched in the chest as i can feel some sort of pain i want to move my arms and push down on the afflicted area but i cant move my arms...i look down as i see my chest starting to balloon out growing bigger and rounder...a pair of breasts slowly being formed on my chest ''Current target has changed 100% from the neck down'' the robot says as i'm to busy looking down at them i keep on looking down as something strange happens, some fabric slowly spreads across my breasts forming a colorful floral looking bra and the rest of my body a similarly colored shaped dress spreads across my body the dress seems to fit my body pretty good and the bra seems to help with holding my breasts in place....who'd have guessed but the soft fabric feels nice against my skin i try to force myself to move to no avail since my body moves on its own and turns to look at the mirror looking back at me i see that from the neck down i am a total woman...nothing of my former male body is left... it then start to pose in front of the mirror as if to mock me for some reason... ''Target fully female from the neck down for now, moving onto facial reconfiguration soon, Sending commands to the slime life form, Free will, personality changes, its own memories and emotions and skills, so we are sending signals so it will be given free will based on what is transmitted'' ''.......Transmission received, giving commands and personalia to host'' ''Name: Laura'' ''Age: 26'' ''Date of birth: 15/6/1992'' ''Race: Native Hawaiian'' ''Occupation: Manicurist'' ''Hobbies: Fashion, Beauty, fitness, exercise, Traveling, Swimming'' ''Likes: Friends, social gatherings, drinks, warm weather, more will be added as life form goes on'' ''Dislikes: mean people, sodas, humidity, rain, more will be added as life form goes on'' ''But wait no no no...i...i have a life...dreams...ambitions...i was going to ask my crush out even! you can't do this to me!!!'' ''Irrelevant'' the drone says Them drone floats above my head as i struggle to move my body as usual and drops something some of the slime on my head as it slowly seeps down my face and neck i struggle to breath as i can feel it covering my mouth and nose and my neck starts to feel tight ''I...what...stop it! Someone help!!'' i manage to yell out as some of the slime drips down my throat ''Noooooooooo!!!!'' i yell All i can see trough my eyes are the weird colored slime blocking my sight as something weird happens, it feels like my face is becoming smoother and smoother, i start to lose my vision as if my eyes are disappearing and so is my mouth, nose and ears even my hair... i see nothing...i hear nothing...i want to scream...but i have no mouth...nothing... Ben falls into a state of unconsciousness as his face now just resembles a blob with no features as the slime slowly seeps into the pores trough his skin In this state of unconsciousness the effect of the slime is slowly doing its work on Ben's face Starting with the neck is slowly removes Ben's Adam's apple as it shrinks more and more and fades away Ben's face slowly starts to morph into something resembling a human face as the eyes return back so does the ears, mouth, nose, mouth and such, his eyes the slowly start to grow into resembling something befitting of a human face, a human female face if we shall be specific here Ben's hair turns long and black with some gentle curves to them as they roll down below his bra Ben blinks a few times as he something snaps inside him as the head starts to move unwillingly and turns to look at the Reflection in the mirror yet again the face is fully feminine with even make-up having been applied to it by the slime those dark brown eyes perfectly fitting the rest of his newly formed appearance ''This looks much better than i would have expected'' The voice says admiring her looks in the mirror ''i would go so far as to say it looks...Divine'' it giggles to itself   I try so speak or say something but nothing comes out, i feel a sense of dread and shock as my whole body is now moving without me controlling it rather someone else...but i can feel what she is feeling and she is feeling...happiness... this...person is controlling me... The person or...Laura as i guess her name is poses in front of the mirror making kissing faces and doing twirls as she looks around the room ''Transformation 100% complete, current host has fully taken over previous owners body'' I wanted to scream something to the drone but nothing came out... ''Thank you, i assume you will take care of the rest from here yeah ?'' Laura says looking at the drone ''This cant be happening! why wont my voice come out! what is even going on! i still dont understand!'' i scream as loud as i can but no one hears me... ''As for the final act, i will organize your memories and send you to a place more suited for you but you will not remember being created'' the drone says ''i will probably forget all about you, inside me but...dont worry, you will experience everything i feel, see, and do'' she winks at her reflection the mirror at...herself but more likely...me ''We are going to have so much fun together!'' Laura squeals as the drone flies towards her and starts blinking some lights faster and faster our vision goes black and once again i feel nothing, it is as if i am drifting trough an endless void of nothing... i dont know what's going on...i will be sent away...trapped in this...strange room, i feel afraid...shocked and unsure about my future even or if i even have one now i will be trapped here forever...or...til she...dies and what happens then...and i feel what...she feels...will i feel her happiness ? it felt like i did before...will i feel her other emotions ? her sadness ?...and...her love ? urges...taste what she eats...what...i didnt want to think about it I finally see something...light...my eyes open up and my body stretches as it wakes up in a large bed I yawn and gently sit up in my bed and look around, it looks like a pretty standard bedroom, a bed, windows...a laptop on a desk and a drawer full of clothes my legs move on their own as i gently get out of the bed and stretches, it walks over to the window and as i look outside i see clear blue skies, palm tress and large open sand beaches the window is open so a gentle breeze flows inside as my hair gently sways ''Looks like another beautiful day!'' the voice says as she goes to the bathroom and fixes up her hair, weirdly i am still wearing the outfit and the make-up on my face looks...intact Laura smiles to herself in the mirror and keeps on brushing her hair after she is done she start to  wash her hands as she walks out of the bathroom and into her kitchen and grabs some milk and some breakfast and starts to eat i hate milk...but as she lifts up and it goes down my throat...it feels weird...i hate it but...it tastes okay for some reason.. even her food tastes good... Laura finishes her food and puts them in the dishwasher and takes another sip of the milk and heads over to the door She grabs a white purse and looks inside, inside the purse there is some lipstick...a wallet, some condoms and some other miscellaneous items ''Condoms ? what...'' i say to myself as she grabs the door handle and steps outside into the warm summer weather ''im..trapped here forever...aren't i ? how am i ever going to survive all this i have no choice but to find out i guess''

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

Entry 4 (3.23.2020)

Its currently 9:40 AM and I haven’t slept. Waiting for my online class to start, by the way, all my classes got moved to online now due to the Corona virus outbreak. Anyways, my sleeping schedule is once again fucked up and flipped, but surpringly I dont feel as lonely in the middle of the night. I did just get a wave of sadness though.

Sometimes I feel like im fine, and lifes fine and everythings fine. My relationship, friendships, family. But i know it still bugs me to the core, i know it still replays in my mind, i know its going to take a long time to forget, or to fully make peace with it. It still runs through my mind the possible ways that couldve gone down. The different positions, the different things you did to her, the different names you called her, all the places you took her, what you told her about me? The degrading stuff you said about me? I still look through her stuff, maybe a hint; the subtlest one. I stare at her photos to try to see the parts of her that caught your eye, the parts of her that you kissed, that you touched. The times you did stuff, did I ever come to mind?, even if it was for half a second? Did you think of me? Did you think of my emotions, my feelings? No right? You didnt even know what I was feeling because we were in a situation where I was too scared to tell you because I would just be ignored or shrugged away. But its okay - the blames not all on you. We were in a really rough patch, im surprised we even made it out alive. I still think of the few times I saw her, if it was going on then, if it was still happening then, if you kissed her before or after, while i was still in the same building, if right after you went to see me or after you dropped me off you went to see her. I think of it so much and I just want it out of my head. I think of how you continued to check out other people, even after everything. After help, after the many tears i shed, after most of the hard work was done. I think of how you had girls nudes, how you had my friends nudes, my bestfriends. How you traded with other disgusting fucking pigs, how you wanted to fuck all these other girls. I think of the stash you had. Deja Vu, DEJA VU. I’ve seen this before, me typing this, all of this. I wonder if you still are like that. If you still have your stash, a stash. I know you’re in groupchats that do that stuff, and I know because you told me. You said it was just photos of girls like Belle Delphine, my fucking queen lol, but even then it kinda hurts when i still have all this overbearing pain left over and  to be so sensitive and insecure about still so many things. It pains me a bit to think youre staring at a girls ass, nudes, etc, whether you know them or not. Anyones. And I wanna see your phone, I wanna see who you text, what you talk about because im looking for these things. Im looking for these messages, these photos. The stuff that will destroy me. The stuff that will make me question why I kept going. I wonder if you still do. I just keep pondering, and I think i will for a long time unless i see proof. I think its going to be long, and difficult process for me in order to solve that. And I know, im scared. Im scared to bring this up because I know its somehow going to be flipped onto my side. I know its going to be somehow turned into my insecurites and on my behalf. And you know if thats what it truly is than be it, but it hurts so much because it doesnt feel that way/. It feels like im always blamed on for it. I wanna ask you to leave the chat, I wanna ask you to leave any chat where they talk about girls in that matter, where they send lewd photos, because its too much for me, its too much for me to know youre there, to know yore watching that. It hurts my heart over and over and everytime i think of it it takes me back to that place where I tried so hard to escape from. I think about you when youre with your friends and the many things you probably talk about. I think of how disgusting those conversations can easily turn into, how easily it is for them to show you, for them to tell you, for them to talk about all these girls to you. Or maybe its worse, maybe you still have photos, maybe youre still a pervert and talk about girls, maybe youre the one still causing the trouble. Maybe you never changed. What if it was just your lies getting better, you faking it better, putting in a little more effort into that. I go insane thinking like this. I drive myself crazy. I know i overthink, and I know I get paranoid, i recently figured that about myself; that im always on edge, that im always paranoid about things in an odd way. But its true. I could see clearly why everything Ive stated so far could be happening, but i always give you the benefit of the doubt so i dont fall further down the rabbit hole. Im tired. Im tired of it all. Im tired of seeing her, seeing you, sometimes when I look at you I cant help but have my mind running over how that exact face across of me that I love so much can do all of that, can do it to me. I constantly think of the time you told me about her, going over it, replaying it all in my head. I go over it so many times in hopes that ill catch a detail i missed, anything. I drive myself insane. I dont know how much longer I could do this for anymore, im getting more and more exhausted by the day. With all this extra free time in my hands thats all I think about. I look and search in hopes that something new will pop up, something that will define anything from that time. I wonder if youve talked about her recently, talked to her. I wonder what you’ve said about her, about me, if you’ve ever compared us and how. Thinking of this just makes me want to apologize about me thinking all of this, of my looks, everything. I feel like i’ll never forget.

Sometimes I think, what if I took the bold move? What if I did was would be considered “right” of me? I hate admiting it and even writing it down anywhere, but I think of leaving you. Leaving you and finding myself, finding my true self; not the version I set of myself for you, the version i struggle to love but learn how to little bit a day. I want to know what its truly like to be able to express myself in my true form, in order to want to do stuff and not get shut down for it, in order to fully be me and be able to defend myself without feeling bad for doing so; without feeling like a loser or like im on the outside looking in. Sometimes i wonder what it would be liked to be loved by someone else, someone who deserves me. They say what I want is out there, and i ponder on that. I wonder if theres someone who will always open the door for me, someone who will walk to my doorstep everytime they arrive and everytime they have to go. Someone who will hold my hand and kiss it, someone who hugs me gently; a hug that will make me feel something again. I want someone who protects me, who will keep me safe. Someone who will prioritize me. Someone who no matter what fights we come across, he will protect me out of love, because thats exactly what I would do. I want someone my parents love, someone my family loves, someone that could get along with my friends that i wouldnt have to be worried about. I want someone who will understand me, and someone who will see me as their world. I want someone to view me the same way i view them, i want someone to be there for me and go the same exact extent that i would for them. I want equalization. I want loyalty, I want someone to come into my life and strip me away from THIS “life” and show me what its like to smell the flowers, to show me what its like to be happy and be in love. I want someone who will appreciate me, someone who wont have to try so hard to do so. I just have to keep wishing.

But I love you, I love you so much. Even after all the ugly, even after all the fights, all of this; I still love you so much, I wish you could be the man i need, and hopefully you will. Im just scared that when you do itll be too late. Im scared that you wont. I wish you would put me first. I wish that over everything. I just want to be loved, and I want that to be real. im scared, im so constantly scared all the fucking time and it eats me alive. I love you, but I want to live. I want to love, and live, and be happy. i want to smell the flowers, dance in the rain, roll in the mud, I want to know what its like to be alive. I just hope its with you. I just hope I can forget, I just hope I can make peace.

Ended this at 3/23/2020 10:25 AM

-jen

Trust

Request by Anon. Hope you like it. WARNING- Talk of Child abuse.

Pulling up to your uncles work you got out of the cab and paid. You saw a guy with tattoos on his head. "Hey can you help me, I'm looking for a man named Alex Trager". "Oh you mean Tig, yeah hes in the club house I'll walk you in". "I'm Juan but you can call me Juice". "Y/N" You looked down at your shoes. Walking in the clubhouse the smell of booze, sex and smoke hit you. There was a bunch of guys sitting around talking to one another. "Hey Tig you have a visitor" Juice called out "Who the hell is....Y/N your here Doll". He bear hugged you swirling you around. "Hey Uncle Tig, please put me down I can't breath. You laughed "Its great to see you girl". "Been along time". He smiled raking a piece of hair from your eyes. "Yeah it has, couldn't really go anywhere for awhile'. You frowned "Sorry about your stepdad, he was a big asshole anyway". "Yeah he was, mom moved so thats why I'm here". "I hope thats alright". "YES, your my favorite niece in the whole world". He hugged you again. "I'm your only niece Tig". You said smiling for the first time in a long time. "Umm, Tig you going to introduce us brother" A blond guy asked "Shit my bad, Y/N this is Jax our Pres and over there is Chibs the scots man with Bobby he's our brain of the club". He laughed. You met Juice and theres Happy with Kozik over there in the corner. Hap's our tattoo guy and you know dumbass". "Opies not here so you'll have to meet him later. "Nice to meet all of you". You said quietly. You were nervous with all these men looking at you. "Hey its ok, all these men are my brothers". Theres no need to be nervous". He scenced you were scared. "Is there a place were I can change and use the bathroom"? "Oh yea, you can use my room". He wrapped his arm around you and lead you to his dormroom. "You need anything or want anything"? He asked before he walked out. "No thanks I'm good". He closed the door as you let out a breath you didnt know you were holding. You changed and gave your self a pep talk.

Tig walked back in the main room. All the guys looked at him with faces of confusion . "Dude, you have a niece"? Jax questioned "Yeah, she's my brothers kid". He took a sip of his drink. "What's her story brother"? Happy spoke up "Umm, it complicated". "You need to tell them". Kozik piped out. "Alright, my brother was married to her mom and they had Y/N. She was 2 when they divorced. A year later her mom got remarried to a fucking psycho, not like us psycho". "When Y/N was 5 they moved and I never got to see her much". My brother told me everytime he saw her she had bruises, scratches and even a bit mark on her". "Her mom would make up some shit story that she fell". Then when she was 15 Y/N told her dad that he was hurting her in different ways, she wouldnt go in to detail but you can get the picture". So we both went insane at the idea and we beat the holy hell out of him and her mother was suppose to leave him but she lied. At 16 they moved again not tell us were she went to, next thing we knew she was in foster care because the dick brains mom and stepdad were making meth ". Then something happened in there and now she trust no man or women. I'm the only one left now that she trust". He sighed. "Holy shit brother thats alot". Jax said "How old is she now"? asked Bobby "She's 23 now". Tig rubbed hes forehead "Where she been for 7 years"? Juices asked "Um I think with her mom after she got out of foster care her mom got out too and went to find Y/N.  So Y/N went back to her, then about two years later her stepdad got out and he lived with them but recently he passaway from unknown causes". Tig smirked "You have something to do with the cause Tig". Jax asked "Maybe, just dont tell Y/N that I told you all". He pleaded "We wont have too". Chibs pointed to you standing in the hall way. "Shit doll I'm sorry". You ran over to him and hugged him tightly. "Thank you Uncle Tiggy". Tig was in shock " I'm sorry I couldnt keep you safe for all those years". He teared up "I'm ok Tig I promise, it made me who I am today". you cried out He pulled back wiping the tears from his eyes. "We need to throw you a party". "No no party". You said shaking you head. "Ahh come on, you will like this one". " If anyone gets handys I'm cutting them out". "You wont need too". Happy stood up and walked over to you. "I'll stay with you the whole night just to make sure". Umm I dont know". you bit your lip "Doll, you will be in great hands I promise". Tig reasured you. "Alright lets get this party started". you laughed Before you knew it, there were women everywhere getting stuff done. You tried to help but they shood you away. You saw Happy sitting in a chair watching you. It was kinda creepy but you did feel safe. "Hey Happy, you know you dont have to watch me every moment you know". You sat down beside him "I told you and Tig that I would". He threw back his shot. "You want one"? "Um.. sure, never drank before so here goes nothing". You sipped it and nearly died from the stronge fire in your throat. You coughed and gagged. Happy laughed "Maybe I'll just stick to soda". You croaked out "You probably  should". He smiled He smiled, he had a great smile. You were starting to like him even trust him. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all that as a child". He shot another one down "Thanks, but everyone has a missed up part in their life mine just happened when my life was just beginning". "I know I do but its not like yous"."If I had know you back then I would have taken care of you stepdad myself". He said angryly "Happy can we just stop talking about the past and get on to the present". You put your hand on his shoulder laying your head down on your arm smiling up at him. "I think that shot was a bad idea" Happy laughed "Yea me too, I'll be right back". You said rushing to the bathroom You pushed the door open and went straight for the toliet. Throw up was everywhere, you missed to bowl. "Shit". You found paper towels and cleaned up. You washed out your mouth thinking that will never happen again. On your way out there was a guy starring at you with a creepy grin. You walked past him and he grabbed your arm "Hey there little missy, how about we go back to the bathroom and have some fun". "Fuck off". You spit out "Listen hear, you little biker whore. I came here to have a good time so your going to do as I say". You slapped his arm away, started to walk away as he came up behind you grabbing your hair. You elbowed him in the gut and turned around to punch him in the face with a foot to the groin. He laid on the floor holding his crouch. As the guys came running up. "What the hell happened"? Tig asked "Your little friend here grabbed me and told me I had to do everything he wanted, so I kicked his balls in". You smiled proudly "Way to go Dollface". Tig kissed the side of your head. "Come on you rat bastard". Chibs picked up the guy with help from Juice "Take him to the garage and make him comfortable" Happy snarled "I'll be there soon". "You did good Little Girl, I'm proud" Happy hugged you "Im gonna go see to our little friend" Tig walked off "Save some for me" Happy yelled "Where were you"? you asked Happy "I was right there, I didnt see you come out and then there was commotion but I didnt think it was you" " I want to trust you Happy, but I cant". "I'm going to earn it back I promise, no one will every hurt you again with me around". "So I should get use to having you around huh"? You looked up at his dark eyes "Yeah, I aint going no where". "Don't even think of running to Tig hes cool with it". "Good, I thought I would have to smack some since in that Uncle of mine" you laughed He pulled you close kissing your lips. Happy proved himself that you could trust him. In the beinnging life was a messed up fuck show but the future was a blessing with dark eyes and a tattooed soul

The End of All Things (A Preview for the upcoming Antisepticeye X Reader Series)

(( AN: Preview Cause Im Really Nervous 😂

Okay well this takes place way before the story starts and it's kinda a tester and advice for how I write Anti cause I want it to be decent?

But I guess I can start getting some feedback and my other ones as well since I don't plan on releasing any until October....

So let me know if you wanna see some NateMare, Gear or Dark previews as well :)

Cause I am way too far ahead in most of these series.

It's kinda based on what I think these things are. A smol heads up 😬

And soooo this is gonna be nothing like the story... it's kinda like a little trailer.

And yeah I misspelt things on purpose. Give it more of a child vibe and it's also supposed to be taken kind of like you're intruding.

At first, anyhow.    

So yeah! Sorry I am crazy about dramatic details and overuse of extreme detail!!

I would love to get some feedback!!! Both on my writing and the characters!  So lemme know what you think :D

And most importantly  @justwritingscibbles who is first of all, an extremely talented writer but also just a rad human being who agreed to give me feedback! So again, thank you so much!  So go check her blog out!!!

Sorry for the long A/N

And without further ado-))

E N J O Y  T H E  S H O W

              "Happy birthday!"

He chuckled bitterly, swinging himself into the room as he stared at the sleeping figure in darkness, tear stains still remain on her cheeks from the past two hours of sobbing before she fell into her slumber. He even mused how you still sniffled slightly as she turned as he twisted the blade in on his palm, not digging into the flesh but creating a small circle as he pondered his position and options.

So many times he had desired nothing more that slit her throat, deep enough so that you wouldn't wake back up from the impact of the blade and would die in slumber, blood staining your bedsheet. Or perhaps he would drag it through your arm, cutting out the trace were he once held.

The other half of him, the half she had brought out, screamed at him to just hold you again, feel your flesh, warm and gentle and comfort her. Her to apologize. Beg. Hold him. Comfort. Turn away from your world and back at his with the same wonder you once held.

But he knew better.

It was over.

She didn't need him.

The memories were painful.

He tried to avoid coming here cause he always faced himself with the pain of become soft again, melting as the memories danced around the room in everything from the color of the walls to the window letting cold air in to the sleeping girl on the bed shivering.

Shivering?

He quickly moved to lay against her, restraining and deciding to go instead with realigning her blankets so she was completely covered. Even through all the year she looks the same, he mused to himself, not being able to resist the urge to wipe the tears from your eyes and stroke the small of your back, dropping the knife onto your nightstand as you stirred slightly.

"Shhh... Princess.... Go back to sleep." He coaxed, euphoria hitting him like a chill against his spine, "Lets go back together." He continued, grabbing your hand and focusing, "Together. Just like we promised. One more time-"

"Once more until next year."

"AH! Owie!"

"Shhh.... You've got to be quiet.”

"Ow! Ow! OW!"

"Hush... Hush now...Im almost done."

"It huwrts Anti!"

"I know princess I know."

He hated seeing her in pain.

It didn't matter to him how old or young one was. It didn't matter your background. Anti would inflict harm on you without hesitation, but this child, for whatever reason, was an exception.

He'd never admit it to anyone other than her, but there was something about her that drew him to the young child. A soft spot in his tough demeanor.

And he loved it.

The girl allowed him to hold her small arm, pressing his palm a little bellow her wrist while the other hand was in hers as she squeezed it, bracing to pain. Her eyes were shut tight with as much concentration on not waking the babysitter downstairs as he had on placing the mark on her. She opened one eye to look at me the back at her arm which my hand covered tight, concealing the burn.

She whimpered, "Are you done yet?" She looked up at me with big pleading eyes, trying with all her might as it got more painful. Still he heard her sniff even though she tried not to cry while she whispered, "I just want ice crweam."

He chuckled slightly, only to stop when she kicked him gently in the leg, "It'snot funny!" She pouted, "You prahmised me ice crewam!"

I bit my lip as not laugh and went back to focusing, trying to finish so she would be out of pain. "And done..." He removed his hand, reveling the mark on the young child's arm as she looked at it with curiosity, clearly abandoning all thought of ice cream. "Now remind me. Why did you want this mark?"

She thought for a moment, "Becwause I stwart school tomrow and you said you cant come."

"What does it mean?"

"That we won't evwer be alwone."

He nodded, kneeling to her level so he could look into her eyes, "And what does it do?"

"It pwotects me!"

"How?" She tilted her head, pondering it, before shrugging and He smirked. "All you gotta do is say my name and I'll be there princess. No matter what." She beamed up at him and hugged him tight.

After a moment of shock he took her small form in his arms and hoisted her on his shoulders, "Now how about that ice cream?"

The mark was something way stronger than the entity wanted  to admit. Possibly even more than he knew, as the mark did different things to everyone depending on the entity who grants the moral marks. Usually it depended on the moral as well. Which was why he wasn't hesitant when she asked for it.

Still he couldn't say no.

He could never say no.

That being said, he despised the time he had to reapply it when she was nine, her grandparents eradicating the mere thought of his existence the moment their only grandchild brought it up and did all they could in their two days with her to make her drop her belief.

Two days and he was gone.

And the worse part was he only knew because of the pain he felt as the mark sank away from her skin. And it hurt him just as much as it hurt her.

As quickly as the sensation started he was by her side trying to bring back only this time, her pain was so immense that she took his hand, locking it over her mouth to prevent sobs from leaking though her rooms thin walls. Anti could feel her tears come into contact with his hand and it took all he had in him not to tremble or stutter, fearing the result it would have on her if he did.

"I'm s-ss-sorry..." She sobbed when I finished, "I-I-I don't kn-know why I believed them. Anti I'm so-"

He hugged her tightly, "Shhh. Shhh Princess. I'm okay. You're okay. Just go to bed okay."

He let her go, tucking her into bed and reading her a story as she fell asleep mumbling a single I'm sorry before she fell into a dreamless slumber. He knew it wouldn't last from there. She'd stop believing soon enough.

He didn't expect it to be so soon.

Six months.

It only took six months for the years of memories to come crashing down.

Two hours into her school day.

The day of her tenth birthday.

Of course it had to be a day when he was called to the council so all birthday plans were reserved until the evening and it had to be the day she was again, pushed into such a extremes, taunted, violated, physically pushed to the ground and forced into an therapist office while you screamed and cried, the ideas that you sketched the mark on your hand yourself as you went insane. He was in the meeting when he felt the pain, dashing away only to be confronted by the girls sobbing parents. He thought she had died until he heard your screaming and crying, muttering fallacies and false fantasies just to get it over.

“There’s not an Anti?”

“Anti. What kind of name is that?”

"I draw on myself all the time."

"Why can't others see him?"

"He wasn't here today he can't be a real protector if he wasn't here today."

"It's gotta be me it's gotta be me it's gotta be me."

"Y/N! Y/N!"

But she couldn't hear a thing.

with and with every scream and word, Anti felt himself break, a numbness spreading over his body replacing the pain, anger and frustration filling his bones as he stared into the room you were locked in.

....

It's over... Isn't it?

...

Fine

L͠͞et̴͝ ͏h̛e̶͠r͘҉ ͡͏fo̷͠r̡҉͝g͝ȩ͝t͞ ҉̛͞

Ĺ͎͔͎͞e͜͏͎̥̘͓ͅt̛͈̼͎̰̞̭͔ ҉̫̼̰̼m̯͖̞̬̬̬̩͇͜è̷̦͚͝ ̸̛̞͍͇̝͉̻͉͢r̛͙͉̱͓͇͟ͅe̡҉͏̝̝͇̲̘t͎̙̣̼̮̰̳͘͞ͅù͇͔̮̝ŗ͓̟̘́n̷̼̤̥͞ ̴̦̣͎̤̳͜

R͓̲e̤͇̫t̳̯̻̜̹ͅu̹̠͚̠̘r̜̬͙̕ͅn͏̥̮̹ ͔̻t͖̟̲͞o̭̣ y͕̼͓̜̭ò͇̯̣u̫̺͚͙̣̥̮ṟ̴̠̪̥̤ ͔r̰̳͍̥͍e̖̪a̶̪̩͎̤ͅl̨̼̲ ̗̦l̲̻̩̰͉͞i̼͇̘̰̺ͅf̸͉̫̭̟e͉̟͍͢

.͙ ҉̘͖̼En̜͔̱̥͓͞t̻̖͇̩̰̤e̡r̭͚͓̮͢ i̥̹̱n̞͙t̛̤̝̟o̙͓̝̘̗̯̰ ̵̯t͇͜he͏̞̻̼̻̻͎ ̙̤͖̫̹͕w̗̭͖o̰͎̟r͎̤̬̫l͇̣d̥̖̟͔͙͉͇ ̩͞of̬̫̯͕̮͢ ̪̬͇g̥̯̱̹o̲̥̙̥s҉̭̙̹̺s̘͙̠̹̠i̟̤͟p̣͇͓͙͍̬̘ ̹̀a̡̬͎͔̪͚̗͚ǹd̩ ͓͖̬̱g͏̮̣̞̫r͎͉̲͈̫̠̭a̛d͏̭͕e͔͞ś̪̥͖ ̹̪͔͎͔a͍͔̗̻͟n̠͖̝̯̰͓͉ḏ ͕͉l̪͔̣̮̰o̻̪̫̱̻̞v̘̖͕̱͈͠e͙̤͙̤͉̥r̸̠s̢̩͖͈̭͓̲̘.̱

͕̗̦̩O̷̪͙̫̣f̦͓̱̭͚̙͢ͅ v̺id̜̞͙̖̘̗ͅe҉̱̭̘̩͎o̹͚͇̺̪͚̳ ͓g̞̘͕͚̮͙͜a̰̱̕m̲͇̞͓̦̪es̝̤͉ ̳̖̲̜̫̦ͅa̶͉̰̫̮͓̳͎n̶͉̗̮̪̝͇̗d̯̳̜̬́ ̪̻͚t͕͍̭e̩̰͕śṱ̡s ̵̥a͏͖n̺̩̘̪̰d͈̗̙ ̢b̫͕̪̻̩̬i͙̦̬̤r̷̖͎t̘̕h̥͉̱̬̩d͖̗̪͔͈͟ͅa̧̦̗̲̞̜ỵ̞̮s̼͇̱̯̙͘ ̡̙͕̻͓ ̠͇͓ ̦̳̣

Ạn̵͈̲̰ͅd̙̟̗͔̼̯ ͙̜̻͜I͇̖̱͇͔'̢̱l͏̻͖͉̱̗l ̩̜̗̣̦ͅr͎͙̺̝é͙̝̫͇t҉u̯r͘n͓̻͈͎̞

T̶͓ͩ̑ơ̢̝̙̰̬͕̚͞ ̢̯͙̪̱̲ͫ̐ͪͯ͝m̴̯̫͎̥̩̗̣̱̃͌i̙̖̝̤̳̇̂ͦͫ̈́ͅň͋̊͂̒̿͏̡͏̻͈̘͇̼e͙̘̎ͮͭ͆͛̈́̚͡ ̧̫̰̝̹̳̘̮͉̂̔ͫ͗͒̎o̭̥͓̪ͯ͌͑̿f̝̪̥̐ͮ̓ͩ͛̄̾́ ̢̹͔̘͒̀̋ͤͣ͝B̶̳̥̻ͭ͛̈́ͩ̅̌͋ͯ͟L̡̪̩̘͎̘ͭ̈́͋ͦͬ́O̵̬̻͒ͥ̇͜O̷̥̟̜͉̒̌̈́ͅD̸̆̐ͨͪ̎̇͏͕͖̻̝̫͙̳̲ ̞͚̩̟̞̱͕̉ͥ͝͠͠a̵ͭ̅ͮ͏̲n̨͓̯̱̤̝̲̳̥ͩ̽̈́̓ͩd̮̮̩͉͛̍͢ ̨̓͗͗ͤ͂̆̓҉̙̠̖Ṫ͕̖̰̗͙̠̥̠́̍̋Ė̢̧͕͉͓̪̗̭̒A̶̺̼̙͕͇̮̗̪̗͆ͬ̆̈͝͞R̦̪̻͒ͧ̈́ͩ̿̇͝Šͪ͆̓͊͆̑͟҉͍́ -

You woke up with a gasp.

Clutching your head at the strange dream, throbbing as you tried to remember the events before the strange occurrence, you heart going back to Joshua.

Oh... I am such an idiot!

You felt your body shake as you bit your lip, itching your arm slightly as you closed your eyes, the pain of your head drowning out the pain of your head as your groaned in pain, itching to distract yourself.

Is this what it feels like to get drunk? I’m never drinking. If it is... Oh well! Thank goodness it’s Saturday!

You didn't want to sit up, only deciding to at the rapid buzz of your phone.

Halie: Damn boys suck

Georgia: And you know what: So does Lila

Sally: He's an ass. She’s an ass. BUT! But! Don't let him getchu down! You're sixteen!

Halie: It’s your birthday <3

Sally: And you better bet we are taking you out as soon

Georgia: You can drive now!

Halie: TASTE THE FREEDOM!

Y/N: Freedom aside I had the strangest dream last-

No.... No lets not. They don't need to know. They wont understand.

Y/N: heck yeah! I'm soooo getting my license today!

Moaning in pain at your head, you threw the phone down, standing up with you suddenly felt a breeze hit your skin.

That window... Did I leave that open last night?

Shrugging it off much to tired to care, you made your way down the stairs grabbing two Advil and a full cup of water, smirking to yourself at the emptiness of the area.

"Happy birthday." You murmured, tipping the glass up to no one and swallowing the pills.

And may the next be better than the last.

The writing of Anti’s thoughts:

Let her forget, Let me return

Return to your real life

Enter into the world of gossip and grades and lovers; Of video games and tests and birthdays

And I’ll Return

To Mine of BLOOD and TEARS

Hope you enjoyed! Tell me what you think! Wuv you all!! <3

I’m Back!

Hello, everyone. Sorry I’ve been MIA for a little while. The past few weeks have been a little hectic for me. I’m closing drabble requests now and have received lots of good ideas. Thank you to all of those who submitted! Also, two of the requests have turned into oneshots (this is a rare thing, but sometimes I get carried away and it happens lol.) The oneshots will be a pirate!au with some smut for Jimin and a dance camp smut with Yugyeom. I’m also finishing up my first Jungkook smut oneshot that I started working on ages ago and involves Netflix and chill. Hehe. Hope you’re all doing well and please look forward to the upcoming drabbles and oneshots! :)

(replies below the cut beware im drinking vodka while i answer to make my responses more interesting hehe (actually im getting as drunk as i can to deal with my vengeful uterus which is very unhappy i have not conceived any spawn this month and is giving me cramps from hell) you may notice my spelling grammar and punctuation get worse as you read please dont hold it against me)

anonymous asked: Hi Leigh we haven't heard of you since you mentioned having knee surgery the next day and I had this really bad feeling I hope you are ok? For some reason I am genuinely concerned and I don't know why so I hope everything went well??

Yes, all is well! I healed in pretty good time and am already out and about again. It’s a surgery I’ve had before so I knew what to expect and nothing out of the ordinary happened. Thank you for checking on me. Sorry if I made you worry :)

omg-mystarx-neoctech asked: Hell YES JOOHEON.

I SAY THIS ON A DAILY BASIS!

anonymous asked: Can I just say I fucking love the layout and look of your blog. Also I just read one of your smuts and holy shit im deceased.

Thank you! I’ve been revamping some of the pages but I only have a few of them done, so a few things may be blank at the moment. I changed it so fics are listed by member instead of type I hope that’s better but if anyone has opinions on the layout please let me know :)

anonymous asked: OKAY BUT THAT JOOHEON SMUT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUSLY SINFUL. I'M HAVING HEART PROBLEMS.

Jooheon himself is deliciously sinful tbh. I have heart palpitations every time I see a pic of him wearing tight pants. Or just pants in general. i aint never seen such pretty thighs before

neon-flamingos asked: I read Rhythm and omg i criedddddd it was so good i just can imagine Jooheon saying all those dirty thingssss my vayjayjay cries

look i recently saw that vid of him speaking english and his accent is so good which means i can totally hear him in my head saying all them naughty english things this is not good what have i done my lady parts also cry HELP

anonymous asked: Everyone is talking about the Jooheon smut and I'm here still crying because of how hard Chained up hit me

oh god that was not my best work but im glad you enjoyed it the thing never got edited i hope its not a hot mess haha sorry markiepooh but it still got the job done i think hehehe

anonymous asked: A part of me regrets reading Underworld AF....but it was such a good read too... that last chapter HURT but it was a good hurt

oh no dont regret reading it! that makes me sad! its a long ass fic i dont want you to get to the end of it and think holy shit i wasted so much time reading that horror flick i tried to bring it full circle in the end im glad you thought it was a good read i panicked for a second haha

honeyheonie asked: HOLY FUCK!!!! I have sinned. 'Rythm' was 👌👌👌👌👌

me too darling ;) thank ya

anonymous asked: Do you have a quote or prompt list we could use? :)

i do not. i leave it up to you guys that way you have lots to choose from

topaz-and-turquoise asked: For some reason, I only just got to binge-read the last 3 chapters of Underworld. Leigh. LEIGH. YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF BTS-GOT7 CROSSOVERS. YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF CROSSOVERS. THE QUEEN OF ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AU'S. OF ALL AU'S. YOU ARE THE BEST AT WRITING TENSION AND HEART-WRENCHING SCENES AND THE COMPLEXITY OF PEOPLE AND JUST HOLY FRICK YOU'RE AMAZING. THANK YOU FOR THIS. I KNOW YOU ALREADY KNOW BUT THIS IS MY FAVOURITE KPOP FANFIC OF ALL TIME. I'M SAD IT'S OVER BUT I'M SO SATISFIED. YOU ARE THE BEST.

she calls ME QUEEN! thank you thank you I SQUEAL A LOT AT THIS im actually sad its over too. but im content with it. I HOPE IT IS FOREVER YOUR FAVE you stuck with me through the whole thing thank you i love you

statetheobvious04 asked: I've long been a follower for your underworld series and Jesus christ it's one of the best series of read ever. The storyline was so gripping and full of love and loss that by the time I finished the last chapter my chest was heavy and I nearly cried. Idk how you did it but I feel like I've personally lived through minas insane and perilous journey and felt every single emotion as if it were my own. It's een a while since I've read the earlier chapters but I feel like if I do il start 1/2 2/2 sobbing. You are such an amazing and talented writer that this story deserves to be developed into a book or movie but eve then those may not do it justice. But honestly, thank you so much for sharing and writing. And I’m so happy mina finally got the life she deserves and that everyone else managed to find peace in Iceland 💜💜💜💜

THIS MAKES ME HAPPPY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW CAN I DESCRIBE MY JOY AT THIS MESSAGE you make me cry thank you for loving mina and thank you for supporting the story and thank you for telling me how it felt to read it i love you <3

anonymous asked: hi leigh! I have a question. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way, I'm just curious! May I ask why you're not taking exo requests?

you’re good honey :) honestly im just not in an exo mood at the moment. i still write for them i still even have a baekhyun oneshot in my drafts idk im just not feeling like writing for them for drabbles at the moment if that makes sense

anonymous asked: Do you still open the drabble request?

they are closed now.

anonymous asked: I'm a Yoongi at heart but your story Underworld made my heart 'boom boom'. Seriously this is the best mafia /zombie apocalypse AU I have ever read and I read a lot of fan fiction. Keep up the good work. PS: Some drabbles based on Underworld wouldn't hurt. PSS: If you don't understand the heart boom boom reference , go see the latest Buzzfeed interview of BTS.

i can’t help but only hear got7′s boom boom boom though haha im down for underworld drabbles i think i mentioned before that any gang!au drabbles i do will be in the underworld universe before the zombie outbreak so far i only have the one for bambam i would link it but im too tipsy for something that level right now sorry :D

anonymous asked: I fucking love your angst writings, they get me emotional aha

thank you i love angst i like toying with emotions ehehe

anonymous asked: Underworld is amazing!!! One of the best stories I've read, even though it has me crying from Paris all the way to the end.😭😭😭😭 You done good. 😁

we dont talk about paris haha jk that one hurt too much thank you darling that its one of the best you’ve read means the world to me :)

anonymous asked: How can you write like thattttt!!!! I adore you. I'll always be your follower 💖

AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU and i’ll always be here! i promise <3

anonymous asked: Who is that in your header gif?

It’s Suga :)

thewriterpixie asked: *squeals* I just finished reading the Suga father/daughter date drabble! It made my day!

Thank you! I love that one so much :)

anonymous asked:  Okay I was reading Wake Up and Play with Me and for some reason it reminded me of their song Paradise?¿¿ Now whenever I hear it I'm gonna associate it with this smut xD

Ooh i like the sound of that! i really love Paradise but I think Sign is my favorite on the album but how do you get your question marks upside down i thought the room was spinning for a second i kid you not lol

anonymous asked: Your Jooheon smut got me looking at Jooheony at a different way now 😏 thank you for writing such a quality one shot! You're one of the best of the best!

YAS come to the jooheon side we have thick thighs and adorable dimples you will not regret this ;)

taecmekai asked: hope you are ok and recovering well from your knee surgery :)

i’m okay! gained a few pounds from being stuck on the couch for a few days but idgaf hehe ;) i’ll get back to yoga when i feel like it

coppertopging asked: I just finished Underworld. holy crap the emotional coaster you took me on! I read the last 7 chaps today & i couldn't stop crying. I didn't when Jae died, but his 'funeral' got me with the reactions from everyone. & then Hobi?! That was the most painful. I had to stop & pull myself together. Yoongi made me laugh a little with his delivery. My favorite part of the ending was the Jk/Yugy part. The only thing I felt was missing was more detail into Namjoon & Jin. But this story was amazing!!!

yeah hoseok was the hardest for me too. i wanted to keep anything namjin related kinda vague and open to the reader’s interpretation that’s why there wasn’t much material there but im very glad you enjoyed the story thank you :)

anonymous asked: holy fucking shit. it's 4am and i just finished reading Underworld and i'm crying so hard there's so many emotions i'm feeling. thank you so much for that masterpiece. it's the first work of yours i've read and omfg you're talented as fuck. i'm actually a bit speechless still tbh it's only fully processing to me ...hobi... he's not even my bias but i'm crying so hard i need help wow SO MUCH LOVE FOR U AND UR WRITING THO

omg i cant believe you stayed up that late to read it i wish i could do that but in my old age i dont bounce back that well anymore (i just turned 27 and am very upset about it) anyway THANK YOU this makes me very happy

danphilandstuff asked: OH MY FUCKING GOD RHYTHM WAS SO FUCKING GOOD THANK YOU SO MUCH ITS ACTUALLY HOW I IMAGINED HIM TO BE IT FELT SO REAL IT WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST FANFIC IVE EVER READ IM CURRENTLY READING YOUR MASTER LIST. you're actually such an amazing writer thank you so much (Could I request more Jooheon fics? ((If you want and have time)) )

i will never stop writing jooheon fics. you have nothing to worry about there haha. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS THE BEST FANFIC YOUVE READ IT WAS SUCH A RAUNCHY SEX FEST I SHOULD BE ASHAMED lol just kidding no but in all seriousness THANK YOU I LOVE YOU IM GLAD YOU LOVED IT I HOPE YOU KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE MUHAHA

anonymous asked: (1/3) Hey lovely! I came across your blog today after reading your monsta x all in one shot and i just wanted to say thank you for writing something so incredible! it had me gripped from start to finish and it was honestly one of the most (2/3) well-written pieces ive ever read, I would love to be able to write at your standard one day. I cant express how grateful i am, it put me through so many emotions and i actually had tears in my eyes at one point! So yeah, apologies for this (3/3) being so long but i just wanted to express my gratitude and say that you are an amazing writer :) x

oh my goodness this was ridiculously lovely. i am very proud of All In and how it turned out. i hope to finish the sequel soon. i keep getting writers block on it and i dont know why but anyway. thank you for sending me this and im thrilled that i could write something you enjoy very much. you are too kind thank you <3

A Shroom Report

This is a piece by Indigo School member Bailey from his trip on shrooms. 

“Below is a writing I composed during a recent shroom trip. I could have given backstory or additional details but I’ve decided to leave it organic as I feel the writing is organic as well.” - Bailey

This is so intimate and exposed my phone gives off new energy I wasn’t feeling before 

I want to be able to touch and caress another idk if it would lead sexually im water but thick like honey im so fluid it would probably be sexual And a orchestration my mind is so many different levels and dimensions of depth pure human my room is so small but my mind is so expansive the longer periods of time I use my phone I feel as if im being pulled into something I can literally become lost in my mind it’s a infinite being simple barbaric wanting to bite and to feel everything another human would be splendid her love passion late by kanye west her phone feels alien is it better to love and never have the chance to be hurt or risk the love for something great emotions are so deep feminine divine thoughts roam but return to her warm never let me down kanye West her love or lust? Love lust is purely sexually feelings and intentions and love is so much deeper I wanna know her on every level lol kinda corny but society made love corny because it’s emotion and it’s so deep and hsrd to explain we get scared or overwhelmed by it and instead should embrace it and everything it is and just be she’s so beautiful she’s better than me I value my self lower because of the value I hold thee love change is scary but thats what makes it fun the unknown present living present I can image the future we could have but if it’s not so it will hurt but if it is the will expand into something great and undescribable love pure love is it worth the gamble will the feelings be mutual or more ever building off each other pure her I wanted you to read this feminine mind working vulnerable understanding loving is that what she wants over thinking will the feelings be mutual raw emotions pure feeling love want her love is suffocating Inna Good way in which it takes over everything pure powerful red warm 808s and heartbreaks speaks to me robocop this could be us beautiful she’s so beautiful will feelings be the same it could be so beautiful honest pure Harmony why is this trip like this blame game by kanye West I love this song pure emotions I want her emotions are like rhythms life is rhythms rhythmic beautiful irrescribable wow will the words I write portray the same meaning and feeling that I pour into them? Will they be comprehended?

 And felt the way that I am feeling them. Words are such a horrible way of coneveying true feelings and emotions and intentions gender is fluid while I feel feminine and masculine and balanced at one pure love blame game by kanye West is beautiful idk why I want you to read this probably because no one else in touch with the feminine side lmao why that sound corny too society got us washed this is my pure emotion poured over a canvas emotions feel like a warm liquid but thick and sparkling something mystic she’s that someone she’s mystic she’s sparkling I want her to experience her how deep she is emotionally lmao ik How that sounded how complex a individual idk if this will be felt and comprehended like I intend too I want her my heart love will she want me I want her to feel as deeply for me as I do for her but in no selfish intent but for her to be able to feel this pure feeling of love I want her to be happy my emotions are deep but will hers be as deep for me? Im a chalice overflowth medieval times are appealing to me alchemy Golden I want to live for her. Will she live for me? Is that the creation of a perfect being? No selfish intent purely for another? Say you will by kanye West the heart is so strong I love her she’s so beautiful so divine women and men so much balance women are strong men will pretend to be but emotions overtake we will do things for her say you will by kanye West is beautiful I feel like this is getting too long for you too keep interest but I want you to help me. Help me understand and guide me. Wow me looking for guidance. While im usually one who gives guidance. I feel like you’ll understand. We are so clouded by day to day life some people are so content why do I wanna know so much deeper l really want her she’s so beautiful and complex time doesn’t feel like it exist one seamless flow the human language is such a weak attempt to be able to… This will you want to read this to help me this is alot and vulnerable this has become a cross of my emotions and the trip documentation everything happens for a reason and presents itself at a certain time as my playlist ranges from moods vibes feelings but it all makes sense humanity I want her I keep going back to that my mind is so complex but simple at the same time perspectives continually change everything does water fluid motion duality this is incoherent but coherent at the same time because we can all relate feelings are so powerful im having a break though 808s and heartbreaks is so pure such a beautiful creation am I writing this as a letter for one to read or self documentation and analysis why do I do the things that I do? Why does anyone do anything? I want these answers it’s so deep something beyond something beyond what is normally conceived we have created so many beautiful things why must be create evil as well this is so pure jazz is so nice soul filled is the the passion forget what you could get out of it as a material gain but you do it because you love it I feel like I relate to everyone im connected to everyone everyone feels this people will say this is crazy or insanity but they feel it too I speak the truth the saxophone in drive slow by kanye is so nice family business is beautiful as well from kanye the pianos are so nice emotions ahah I love it why do people want to be hateful? Something eating at them but hating someone else somehow makes that better we continue to lie to ourselves but it’s impossible cuz we know ahah who is gonna want to read all of this ahha it’s so insightful though just daunting because of its length but life isn’t a short answer everything is complex while being simple we can never understand this she’s so beautiful we created this world we live in in order to give order into something we can’t understand I want to confess my feelings we are all so misunderstood why does society view us like this? Why are they so scared to embrace the unknown and just be I am spewing my feelings and inner thoughts into this will any one even want to read this? Or is a normal and basic human mind disregard it? Most people don’t understand this why can’t they understand this I love this why can’t we be like this I keep having recurring feelings and thoughts are these the most truthful or should all thoughts be held at the same regard? I want people to understand this. No one will read this. This is so long and has no organization why do we do this! I want answers so bad. I feel hopeless why will this be disregard look at all this information just thrown away I want people to see this but will they? Im upset with myself because I want someone to read this but fear because of the length no one will. Why can’t people achieve this with me? Why do darker places.. Why do we want them once we are im them? I really want someone to read this. Idk what to do with myself. This writing is beautiful, it’s a work art will anyone understand this? This is a literary work of art. This is the the pure expression of the human mind. Time is such a luxury. Im at the point of wanting to sleep but of course my mind will not let me. What id this anymore. A personal documentation or a cry for help? That felt like what I should say. Im so fucking mad no one is going to fucking read this goddammit I want them too soo bad what am I Doing… Fuck im going to stop writing in hopes that someone will still read this for me. What have I gotten my self into? Feeling as if I stop I’ll miss something crucial that I wanted them to know. It’s not suppose to be like this. We are too pure and simple minded for all of this. Yet so complex. We are our own self enemies, mankind. I just want to help others. This is why I feel the urge to write. In hope that it can help someone. I don’t live for myself, I live for others. Is this how it’s suppose to be? I want her. Why do I feel like she has all the answers. It’s wrong to put that onto someone. This writing has gotten much more coherent as the thoughts are more complete instead of all over the place. I feel like the evolution of mankind. Infinite. Someone understand this with me. We long to be with mother Earth. I no longer feel the need to write so this is my proper ending I suppose.