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Applied Transunity Theory : I

Based on a recent reblog, I'm going to attempt to apply transunity theory to some of the examples of transphobia which Julia Serano brings up in Whipping Girl. I will be focusing on examples where she brings up trans men and nonbinary people, as her original analysis of trans men's and nonbinary people's oppression is often flawed (if not inaccurate entirely). If you wish to see some of my other analysis of Serano's work or Whipping Girl (henceforth WG), search my blog for "serano".

Without further ado, here is the first example I'd like to focus on - p.11 Trans Woman Manifesto

[Note: I am reading from an Ebook, the pages may not match up to physical copies of the book. If in doubt, look up the chapter name and search through].

This whole passage has multiple issues, but there is only one I'm going to really focus on today, concerning the very end of the passage:

"When women's or lesbian organisations and events open their doors to trans men but not trans women, that is not transphobia- it is trans misogyny"

From a transunitist point of view, it is immediately obvious that this rhetoric in the quote is one of many needlessly divisive lines which Serano inserted into WG. A rule of thumb for approaching Whipping Girl is to disregard anything she says about trans men, because she often speaks for or over trans men while saying very inaccurate things about them. This is one such example. A transunitist approach here would examine how there isn't only transmisogyny at play when cis women exclude trans women and include trans men, but also transandrophobia. In this post, its my intention to highlight how two arms of transphobia can work in tandem to the detriment of trans women and trans men.

So what would a transunitist analysis here look like? What would we change or reexamine about this example? (Repeated below for easy access)

"When women's or lesbian organisations and events open their doors to trans men but not trans women, that is not transphobia- it is trans misogyny"

I'd propose this analysis:

1.  What is meant by women's or lesbian organisations or events? Serano implies they are cisgender run orgs and events. If these cis women's groups are opening their doors to trans men, what does that imply about how those cis women see trans men? With this, is is actually a positive thing that the doors are being opened for trans men? Are trans men benefiting from this or are they actually suffering from this? Isn't the inclusion of trans men who don't want to be in women's events or spaces in those spaces an example of transphobia against trans men (transandrophobia)?

Does the framing of this quote direct disdain towards trans men for being "included" while trans women aren't? As pointed out in point #1, it is cisgender women running these spaces, nor trans men. Shouldn't the disdain at non inclusion be directed at the exclusionary women rather than trans men? Is Serano's anger being directed at the wrong group? Is frustration at exclusionary cis women being directed at trans men?

Wouldn't this sentence work if all reference to trans men were removed? What is the purpose of contrasting with trans men here? Does it achieve anything? Does the superfluous comparison negatively affect trans men?

Now that the background has been laid out, I want to explore how Serano correctly identifies the transmisogyny in the example, but either is oblivious to (or deliberately ignores or downplays) the transandrophobia here. Once we see that there is not one kind of transphobia going on here, but two kinds, we instantaneously have a more complete analysis right off the bat. Hence why transunitism is so important right now.

Serano's impmication is that there are no negative side effects to trans men being included in women's events. Plainly, it is misgendering trans men, first and foremost and is is already transphobia. (However, I will add the caveat this does not apply to trans men who grew up in lesbian spaces before they came out as trans men, who may consent to being in lesbian spaces. The same goes for trans women who were in gay men's spaces pre transition). For simplicity's sake, we are analysing this from the pov of trans men who don't want to be included in women's spaces, but are bombarded with offers to anyway. The bottom line is, the trans men in Serano's quote are often unwilling to be included in women's spaces and are distressed when offers are made to include us under the category of woman, because, you know, misgendering. But Serano either doesn't realise this or downplays trans men's issues to the point that basic misgendering against trans men doesn't register to her. In any case, there is transandrophobia present in this scenario.

The transmisogyny part is obvious, being the exclusion of trans women from women's spaces when they should be included.

Now, imagine if, instead of putting trans men and trans women against each other like Serano does in the quote, we reimagine this scenario's analysis by including transandrophobia and transmisogyny theory to explore how cis women's transphobic exclusion of trans women often comes with a transphobic inclusion of trans men. In other words… Two arms of transphobia intersect to inflict damage on trans women and trans men.

You can see this with other examples, such as when transphobes complain about inclusive language around periods and blame trans women for it. In that situation the first arm is the transmisogyny (blaming trans women for inclusive period language because they're hypervisible as trans people) and the second arm is  transandrophobia and/or exorsexism (ignoring that the inclusive langauge is meant to benefit trans men and some nonbinary folk and that the focus on helping these people has been lost, leading to further invisibility/ lack of support altogether).

This post is super mega long by now, but I hope this has been a worthwhile read. I would very much appreciate your feedback about this analysis, I know I can't cover everything in one post, but I'd be delighted to see your takes on this and other people's transunitist takes too!)

Here's something from my brain:

Telling transmascs they shouldn't go on T because they'll "become ugly" is still rooted in patriarchal ideals & expectations. It's why every TERF is hard to take seriously when they insist they're trying to fight sexism.

What's the ugly part? The body hair? The balding? The deepening voice? The potential for weight/muscle gain?

So, by that standard, cis women with body hair, cis women who are balding, cis women who gain weight and/or muscles, and cis women with deeper-than-average voices are, BY TERF'S OWN LOGIC, ugly.

Oh? Do you think that all women are meant to be frail? Thin? Hairless bodies? Thick head of hair? Wispy "feminine" voices? What are you trying to say about how women's bodies are supposed to be? Do you think ALL women have the same body type? The same standards of beauty? Is beauty every woman's top priority? Should it be?

You know who else freaks out about "manish" women? Basically, all the people who think women are objects to be seen & not heard. All the people who think women are their sexual playthings and little more. It's a trope throughout literature & media to paint strong, outspoken women as manish & undesirable. A trope that TERFs seem happy to exploit for their own ideals. Because if they want to prescribe womanhood onto us, they must also accept that they are unhappy with the way we are living through our womanhood, and think it's reasonable to control and legislate our bodies based on their personal belief about how women should behave & think.

Being a woman is not about how pretty you are. It isn't about what you owe to the people who would rather you shut up and be demure. And for TERFs to use these insecurities that the patriarchy instills in young girls to dissuade them from making choices for themselves is honestly a disgusting tactic.

I don't even care if you (wrongly) connect biology to gender. If someone looks at me, a trans guy with ~2 years of hormone treatments under my belt, and decides that I'm an ugly woman based on the vagina they're assuming I have and probably the tits that I definitely still have, fine. Maybe it's the nonbinary in me, but if you wanna purposefully (incorrectly) call me a woman, then that shitty decision is yours to make. Now, ask yourself.... why are you mad that a woman (by your own standards) is choosing something for her own body?

These are the same people who get mad when trans guys claim historical figures like Dr. James Barry as one of our own. There's no way to tell how he'd identify if he was using modern language to describe himself without resurrecting him and asking directly. But, in the end, whether he was a woman seeking to break through barriers of sexism or whether he was a trans man in a time before we would have called him that, he chose to live a life that is similar to the one many transmascs choose for themselves. He expressed himself in a way that is familiar to transmascs. And I have no doubt that these fucko TERFs would try to belittle and tear him down just the same as they do any of us. In fact, it was a woman who undressed him against his will after he died and exposed him as a "woman" postmortem. We can't say for sure if she'd identify as a TERF if she were using modern language to describe herself without resurrecting her and asking directly, but we can safely say that she's not the kind of person I'd like to know either way. Her mother should have taught her about consent.

If I was a woman trying to escape the patriarchy by transitioning (a common, completely stupid ass take btw since everyone who isn't at the very top of the power chain is a victim of the patriarchy (among other things)), would you mock me? Admire me? Sympathize with me? Tell me I'm delusional? Call me ugly? Tell me I should think more about my ability to bear children with my womb? Would you join me in trying to escape oppression? Would you hate me for trying? Have you decided that men are the enemy, and therefore I've betrayed my sisters in a war I reject wholeheartedly? Would you hold me down? Get your friends to beat me up? Tell me I deserve the violence in my life? Undress my dead body? Tell me I'm crazy? Force me to put on a dress? Force me to shave? Tell me to brighten my voice? Tell me it's a shame I've destroyed my feminine smile? Would you dare try to drag me back to the patriarchal depths like crabs in a barrel?

At the end of the day, it's all about telling people how they should live their life. How they should look, which beauty standards they should care about, which roles they should identify with, who they should be beholden to... And if those people disagree, maybe they're just hysterical mentally ill or being manipulated. Lock 'em in a room with some yellow wallpaper to keep it cheery until they change their minds!

Do you see? The parallels? How, even if we accept that your fake science is actually real science, and claim womanhood based on our vaginas and tits and ability to sometimes bear children, you are still denying us agency by taking away the right to express our gender however we choose. If I'm a woman who looks like a man, or who acts like a man, why is that a problem for you? Why do these gender barriers matter to you? Don't you see that in taking control of gender, we defang a critical branch of the patriarchy?

Sexist ass cult mindset, -10/10.

as a trans gay guy, my relationship to the concept of the butch/transmasc overlap is so so weird. because on one level it's by and large a real social phenomenon that underlies a lot of common experiences and draws communities together and so on. but then on another level. like. some of us (transmascs) just Are Not Butch. i recently read fun home, and i was really struck by bechdel's account of butchness and how it... didn't actually resonate with me at all. like, i'm very familiar with feeling uncomfortable with conventional femininity, and with wanting to look male - but i keep re-realising that the experience of specifically aspiring to masculinity is just alien to me. in particular, bechdel describes feeling like she might have been compensating for her dad's femininity, and like... i've never felt anything like that. i've tried to put distance between myself and women's femininity, but i've only ever looked at fem men and felt jealous of them.

but then i look at the cis gay male community for examples of male femininity, and of course, it has its own gnc/trans overlap. and i don't aspire to trans womanhood any more than i aspire to cis womanhood.

so for people on those two cusps, gender and orientation might be very fluid and open-ended, but my personal desired gender expression is actually quite narrow and a very delicate balance - narrower and more specific even than a lot of other fem gay trans guys i've encountered.

what's more, i've heard from a lot of people on the transmasc/butch cusp in particular that, essentially, they know they're queer because they're attracted to women, and the rest is hazier, but maybe also less important. which is an interesting perspective, but again - completely alien to me. gender comes first for me, without a doubt - and even that can be subdivided. orientation comes after gender, but a positive sense of maleness also comes after a completely fundamental sense of non-femaleness. gender and sexuality are entangled for both of us - but once again, in opposite ways.

i conceive of myself as a binary man, but even so, it's like... almost a nonbinary experience, in a way. like, in very old-fashioned views of queerness, there are two basic types of queer - the butch-lesbian-transhet-man group and the fem-gay-transhet-woman group. there are male inverts and female inverts, FtMs and MtFs, or in polari, omee-palones and palone-omees (men-women and women-men). and someone like me just... doesn't fit into that framework. if an invert is a man with a woman's soul or a woman with a man's soul, what is a woman with the soul of a man with the soul of a woman? you need more layers. you need to recognise that gender and orientation are, or at least can be, separable experiences to be able to conceive of me at all. and ironically that often means you have to frame orientation almost like a gender, again - i believe lou sullivan referred to himself as female-to-gay-male, and i can see why.

but at the same time - we've allegedly come so far, and people can now nominally conceive of identities like mine - but it's still a huge struggle to even begin to express it. how do you reconcile rejection of cisfemininity and womanhood with a genuine desire to be subtly feminine/effeminate? i haven't found a way yet. i don't know if it will be possible until i can access medical transition (and even then, it might take years.) so in the meantime, i look butch, and i just have to live with the fact that the identity i'm broadcasting is the direct opposite of who i really want to be.

idk man. i'm a trans man, but maybe i'm transandrogynous. but it has to be the right androgyny, an androgyny i feel is "male", so maybe i'm not! i'm a faggot trapped in a dyke's body. i'm transitioning from one queer gender expression to another, and while i do feel a degree of solidarity and commonality with actual butches, i also feel like butchness is, for me, nearly as suffocating and dissonant as cisfemininity.

and reading this back now, i've realised i'm doing the same thing over again - i'm conflating my own gayness with my own desire for androgyny(?)/effeminacy(?), and somewhere out there, a fem transhet guy or a butch transhet girl is groaning with exactly the same kind of alienation i often feel.

god. gender is so complicated and so important and so stupid at the same time. why does it have to be so hard!!! we all just want to exist.

did anyone else have doubts about your bisexuality because of the meme (and what became an ideal imo) that says the inherent bisexual experience is being attracted to every woman and one (1) man?

cause let me tell you, that screwed me over for a while as an afab person. I would wonder if I'm straight because in most cases they're talking about feminine aligned/leaning women. And I haven't really experienced attraction like that. Because I like gnc, masc, alternative women! (as well as gnc, feminine, alternative men)

And as a trans person, I'm also attracted to other trans/nonbinary/genderfunky people. Back then, I often found that whenever I was attracted to an afab person, they weren't cis. I would think that somehow meant I wasn't bi. Despite the fact that even if I was strictly attracted to men and nonbinary people, that's still two genders lmao

Some of my expierences living as a trans man - because being openly nonbinary here will have you loose all access to resources - with my girlfriend, a nonbinary trans woman. Because people genuinely need to touch grass. This is our lived expierence: it largely does not matter which way around we are trans. People hate us both. Stop dividing the community.

I have been on T for 3 years. I have facial hair. I have not been able to get surgeries and my chest ist large. I can't bind. I try to dress masculine in public for safety, but anything I wear is still seen as feminine due to my figure. I would like to dress feminine, but can't. I am constantly dysphoric.

My girlfriend has facial hair. She tries to dress masculine in public for safety, but people can often tell something queer is going on anyway. Sometimes she dresses in a more feminine way, but oftentimes she can't. She is constantly dysphoric.

People do not care which way around I am queer. They do not care which way around she is. They see someone with facial hair who is too feminine. They see someone who does not fit. We both get the same looks.

My endocrinologist refuses to give trans people who take testosterone information. He additionally tells them they will not be able to get pregnant. (Wrong and dangerous.) He does not warn them of any changes besides body hair growth. If we complain about anything, he will kick us out. My period did not stop and I had horrible pains. He refused to help. He is currently threatening me as I have not had any surgeries yet and he is doubting my trans-ness. He deadnames and misgenders me always.

The same endocrinologist refuses to give people who take estrogen T-blockers. He does not inform them of estrogen correctly. He doubts their trans-ness if they do not have surgeries for too long. He threatens to kick them out when they complain. He deadnames and misgenders them. My girlfriend is scared to go there.

My endocrinologist does not care that I am a trans man and she is a trans woman. We will never be man and woman enough. We are not allowed to be nonbinary. He kicks out nonbinary people straight away. Neither of us have access to appropriate medical help.

When I buy clothes I can't find anything that fits me. My chest and hips do not fit in men's clothes, my shoulders do not fit in women's clothes anymore. People stare at me in the men's section and in the women's section. I hate shopping.

My girlfriend can't find clothes that fit her in the women's section. She is dysphoric about shopping in the men's section. People stare at her. She also hates shopping.

I am trying to find a psychiatrist and a psychiatric clinic. The last psychiatrist I had yelled at me for being trans. The last therapist I had kicked me out for it. My current therapist has contacted someone he knows in a clinic and got the answer "Your client shouldn't come here, we aren't good at dealing with trans people." I am terrified of getting help.

My girlfriend has seen me go through this. She badly needs a therapist to start estrogen. She is terrified of getting help as well.

The people who are supposed to help us do not care which way we are trans. They simply "do not know how to deal with us". They "have no experience". They are transphobic.

When I was at the hospital last weekend, I was constantly misgendered. I was ignored, even though the woman in the same room as me was given treatment. I was treated as if I was in the wrong room, on the wrong station, because it was the woman's station. They put me there. Then they proceeded to punish me for it, as if I was trespassing, when I was having an emergency. A doctor who was supposed to see if my heart was beating correctly accused me of not really being trans with disgust - I have no idea why he should have cared in the first place. I'm scared and unsafe in medical environments. I try my best to avoid them.

My girlfriend is in chronic pain. She can still pass as cis well enough to be treated fine - if she doesn't speak up and let's herself be misgendered, put in the men's section, act correctly and isn't obviously queer. So she does not seek treatment. She's scared and unsafe in medical environments, and does her best to avoid them.

I am currently denied access to both the men's and the women's bathroom. I look too much like the other gender each way. At my last job, the cleaning ladies told my boss about which bathroom I was using in hopes he would yell at me for it. I'm scared to travel out go out for long periods of time because of it.

My girlfriend can still use the men's bathroom if she dresses masculine, but as soon as she doesn't, that's over as well. She has the same problem I do.

The laws in Germany are supposed to be changed. Currently, to change our name and gender, we have to pay up to 2000€ to people who ask us what panties we wear and which porn we watch. If a trans man has long hair, or a trans woman short hair, that might be reason enough to deny us. Then, judges have the final say. The laws are supposed to have been changed years ago. They still haven't been. We both have to go through this.

Lastly, I have been rejected from the gynecologist for being a trans woman. I have endometriosis. I have a uterus. They knew this. They were transphobic, and they do not care to learn about trans people. Why would they?

Our daily lives expierence in discrimination is incredibly similar, if not the same. I can be discriminated for being a trans man, a trans woman, nonbinary, just looking queer. As can my girlfriend. Bigots do not care to learn about us. They just hate us. They see I have breasts and a beard and hate me the same as they hate my girlfriend for wearing a skirt with facial hair shadow visible.

This isn't to say everything is the same. We both have gender and transition specific issues as well. Conversations go differently, outings go differently at times, and we know who the news loves to target most. That conversation has to be had, but this isn't a post about that.

I have seen a ridiculous amount of infighting between transmasc and transfem people recently. (Often completely forgetting those of us who are unaligned and do not fit in that binary by the way.) I am posting this to say: THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR LABELS. They don't give a shit. They'll hate you either way. You're a dirty queer in the eyes of bigots as soon as you are openly gender nonconforming in any way whatsoever. We expierence SO MUCH shared discrimination. Stop this complete idiocy and GO OUTSIDE. Connect with a community. Ideally find the next trans person you have nothing in common with and then talk. What the hell is this "oh they have it better than us" on both sides supposed to achieve exactly?? I could list dozens of examples just like the ones above.

Lastly, one more:

When I expierence transphobia, when I see a scary post on social media, when politicians are trying to kill us and when the doctor I had an appointment with questioned my genitals more than my pain, I go to my girlfriend, I look at the many pride flags we put up in our apartment, I hug her, I kiss her, I feel safe. For just a moment.

And when she sees the news, when she's scared to dress in a certain way, to do her makeup on her own, when she expierences comments about her queerness and struggles to find medical help, she comes to me. And I hope she feels safe as well.

We must help each other.

Hey, I noticed you stating an opinion about trans “egg” terminology and comparing that to Christians going around trying to convert everyone. I get where you’re coming from, 100%, and you’re right that anyone’s gender/sexuality isn’t anyone else’s business. But there’s a huge difference in a trans woman, a heavily oppressed minority, making a joke about someone, and the giant societal force of Christianity forcing people to adhere to their religion, yknow? Christians, particularly the ones who go on missions, are often white cis and straight, and very privileged. Their goals have a death count. Trans women are just making jokes with their friends. It’s not a fair comparison.

Beyond that, many trans women have stated that egg jokes helped them come out and realize that they were trans, while many others have lamented that no one told them they could be trans while they were confused and wondering.

In the end, I believe you are in good faith, but kinda misunderstand the impact of egg jokes. The type of people to be upset (how DARE you think I’m a GIRL because I have long thats ICKY and I would NEVER be a GIRL) are simply (trans)misogynistic, and most supportive cis men don’t really care.

anyway, have a nice day, I hope this helps broaden your understanding or whatever.

I get where you're coming from but unfortunately before I could actually get on hrt I had someone try to get me to by sketchy ass hormones from a site that I don't think exists anymore that only accepted bank transfer payments called "she's a lady". and I unfortunately know someone who groomed a lot of people I know and was a moderator on /r9cute/ which was a ring that would tell little boys they are trans (some may have been actually trans who knows) and make them cut themselves and post pics and would get them hrt. The guy who even recently manipulated me and people I care about. So I am definitely biased towards "egg culture" and "pink pilling" shit with what I've had to deal with.

A lot of the egg stuff never really felt like a joke to me at all and felt more like trying to apply gender to people. I've heard the people going on about "all femboys are eggs!" and stuff like any boy who is slightly feminine or has long hair is an egg. I've also only ever seen it been applied to egg for trans women and never for trans men either so it feels really fetishy like force-femming and "sissyfication" stuff.

It feels like it's often in really bad taste and I've seen it been used as not a joke more than I have seen it used as a joke. Idk maybe that's the autism speaking and I'm missing the nuance or some shit but it's always really seemed gross to do to someone. stuff like it actually pushed me away from trying to start hrt earlier with people suddenly trying to get me to buy sketchy meds off sketchy websites. It made me doubt the process and have distrust for all of the trans community for a while.

I just have never understood it to be jokes at all. If they are jokes it's news to me. people have told me "are you gender fluid??? are you gender flux??? are you bigender???" and trying to assign labels to me like... I just am, woman fits best, possibly slightly nonbinary or something but I really don't like using labels.

I had seen only women's bodies, or men's bodies, portrayed as sexy

Women's bodies included trans women, luckily, (though I have no doubt that the amount of trans fem porn out there also has to do with the fetishization. Like if youre gonna be fetishized, may as well capitalise on it, esp if you're part of a vulnerable demographic)

Years ago, even though I'd been working hard on my self esteem, my body self esteem plummeted

I hated looking at myself in the mirror

I looked away while I got dressed

I bathed just through feel, quick to not touch most of myself but my limbs

My personal self esteem started taking a hit too. I couldn't describe it. I didn't know how or why. Just that overall, I was growing to dislike myself every day.

It was my therapist at the time, actually, who heard about how I spoke about men and knew I was nonbinary and that my gender had changed over time, who had suggested my gender was changing more towards masculine. And that maybe saying things like "men suck", even though I knew not all/most men I knew didn't suck, was impacting my self esteem

She was right, of course

I started to unfollow people on tumblr who made those jokes. Which helped, a bit, in some sense, but not with my growing dysphoria.

What helped a lot, in this pre-december (2017?) life, it turned out, was following trans mascs who posted their body online

To every day see people who ranged from "passing as a cis woman" to "big burly hairy man" celebrating their bodies as trans

As uniquely trans, and still masculine, even if they didn't pass, and weren't on hormones

To see bodies, some like my own, most not, celebrated as sexy and aesthetic pleasing and manly

To see the interplay between porn accounts run by people of different trans genders. Trans fems telling trans mascs and trans neutrals "you're like a sunset, you're like a star, your body is sexy and captivating and I want to do some hot tranny fucking with you, because you and I can create something beautiful and queer together through our pleasure"

Helped me a LOT. I felt my view of myself shifting. I began to appreciate the sight of my fake bulge in my underwear surrounded by soft curves not through its proximity to how beautiful trans fems were, not to judge it by if others would at least finally see my body as gender non conforming by mistakenly thinking I'm trans fem, but to see it reflected in the values of the men or mascs I followed, and to see my body as trans masc, because it's my body, even if everyone sees me as a woman both online and outside the house.

It's sad to me that that environment is mostly gone, now

Not completely dissapeared, as it's present in text posts and risqué lewds

But that now that sort of journey is impossible for trans people on tumblr. That the porn ban nuked those queer alternative sexual communities. That my follow list is full of ghosts.

I don't know where I was going with this. I guess it's just stream of consciousness type post inspired by another post I just saw of the importance for trans fems to see other trans fems as attractive.

Anyways thank you trans men who talk about how hot their bodies are I love you

Ftm here (i think. C: ) so uh does anyone relate to your breasts being like, not always dysphoric but unnecessary in a way? Like you're a machine and these are just unnecessary parts for decor and you're like I could run faster without these. I could be happy without these. When you just sort of go neutral as in "I'm in a flesh prison which has- questionable parts" is it just coping thinking?

Also gay. But!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY GORGEOUS AND ATTRACTIVE. EVERYBODY IS SO GORGEOUS MY BREATHING STOPS. PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTELY MIND BLOWINGLY BEAUTIFUL. EVERYONE. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. HUH?!?!?!?!? WHY LIMIT ME. WHY LIMIT ME???? HOW DARE THEY LIMIT ME. I WANT TO MWAH EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO AS WELL. BUT I FEEL NOTHING unless a man. This is a dramatic expression to easen up a little. Maybe you smiled reading this? And also, also gives weird relationship with my uh private parts. Which, I know, I'm just talking about my experience with it. I'm not attracted to women in that way, but I love women omgggg the bs they go through (and me too, since, ya know, closet) and women have such low self-esteem and body image (obviously this comes for everyone, I'm just making a point) and I'm all heated up yelling at my phone at every woman on tiktok who shares a story where she's been talked down upon like "YOU. ARE. SO BEAUTIFUL. IF U COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, THAT'S THAT ON THAT!!!" (I know it can be annoying to be told "but you're beautiful" when you have issues about your image, so I don't literally tell this insensitively to everybody I see lol); but thennnn I look at my chest and I'm just hit down by a hated slap. Like, am I genderfluid? I don't hate my chest but is it because I don't mind it and I am genderfluid, (or not trans, hello, impostor) OR BECAUSE I'm a misogynist?? OR did I adapt to cis het men making comments about my body since I was an early teen, as a girl, and now I male gaze myself, since I'm a man? Because I think I could convince myself of being a girl or liking women. Which means, I might be convincing myself of being a boy or liking men. Not enjoy it, but convince, and convictions go strong. But it's such a quiet but strong feeling of terror and prison with being a girl or having to pretend to be attracted to women, so, I am pretty sure I'm not a woman or attracted to women even sometimes, and that I'm not non-binary because it also makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. But is it because I'm not nonbinary or because I internalised hate towards nonbinary people??? Because if it's the latter, big oof and fuck me. I like traditionally feminine things + but in a timed way, like the expression of femininity would be me being a drag queen but without sass. Woman cosplay. Maybe because I believe only women are allowed to be feminine, and you have to be a woman to express yourself that way? Interesting. Interesting sus for ducks sake. Or, or do I feel more connected to boy love because when I was young, I was in love while roleplaying an mlm relationship, but the "partner" was actually a girl in real life, and I had such a strong connection with the person IN the roleplay that I mind bended my gender and emotionally tied myself to being a boy in real life? Food for thought *deep thinking Sasuke* But I showed signs of being a boy before that and that could be just an awakening push. But was I just a tomboy.

I did not! Mean to make it this long (in the beginning ;-;). But I do come here occasionally and I see posts about things I haven't heard anywhere which are relatable, or that you can't mention in a conversation, so I think maybe someone will see this and also feel maybe not better, but at least not alone. And this is like a mini-therapy session lol but I do believe it could benefit somebody else to read that. (Helps me to read someone doubting, so) However this doesn't need to be posted if it's inappropriate to make it this long? It's a confessional mini-essay. I think it's appropriate?? I'm sorry if it's not.

I've had a bunch of things circling around my head for days and they don't seem to want to leave on their own, so I'm going to try writing them out in a long post that no one had to read, but if you're nosy like me you're welcome to and I promise the bad vibes can't past it past the readmore, you can check them at the door

the guy I like wasn't at the party I went to last weekend and no one there even had his contact info (I got brave and asked the person who I thought knew him but it turned out to be a dead end) so now I have to wait for the group's every other month party and hope he turns up to that, which will probably be a Halloween party so that'll be an interesting extra element. I've just been so hung up on it cause my attraction to people in real life is so incredibly rare and I want to act on this, but it feels so out of my control and if I'm this sad at not seeing him for two months I'm gonna be REALLY really sad if four months later I still don't see him. I wish my taste in people was broader so I could just. not feel so lonely!

I think the loneliness/striking out has mutated alongside dysphoria into me feeling extremely dysmorphic and sad lately, which I like a lot less than my hopeful new outlook I had for the few months before that

I'm feeling very tired of being misgendered absolutely constantly in public, and especially of feeling like my mom just sees me as "woman lite". I almost wish she just saw me as a man, but I specifically don't identify with a binary gender because I don't want people to lug in all their gendered baggage and assumptions and bury me in them, so instead I'm stuck with not being seen as a man at all.

The dysphoria seems to have been fanned by not seeing that guy at the party and feeling insecure about that, but especially by the interaction at said event where (someone who is also nonbinary) made weird and gross biologically essentialist comments (cited in another post, man I wish tumblr had citations honestly, I know I'm a fucking nerd but how fun would that be, anyway). I went through a period of feeling way more confident in my body and how my gender (and sex, frankly) are congruous with my identity and that I can be a gay guy who isn't questioned or dissonant, and that just felt so regressed by that interaction and my doubts of how people perceive me and, by extension of anxiety, how the guy I like might see me.

Seeing a post where someone in the comments conflated dom/sub with top/bottom and also made the most "clearly hasn't had sex, doesn't know what they're talking about" reference to being a "top in real life, bottom in bed" and vice versa and I just wish I could make people stop using all of those terms if they don't know what they mean. oh, you're anally receptive in your daily non-sexual life? No wonder being on tumblr set me back with my understanding of sex and relationships, people just talk about it with zero grounding in reality

Then seeing a guy refer to "transition scars" in a piece of art's replies (where the cis male artist gave a character very tired vine patterns in place of top surgery scars) and then I went to the commenter's blog and his bio said that he's distrustful of fandoms predominantly made up of women fetishizing m/m ships, ie all of them, and I'm just like Man, way to do one of the worst things you can do for trans men while claiming the most superficial support. the way I still have to reassure myself that that's not what I'm doing when I experience attraction to another man as a man, because of fear mongering arguments like that.

Lastly in the vein of maybe I should stop opening the notes of posts at all, is seeing someone claim that the "mauraders fandom" is a "totally separate" fandom from the hateful wizard books and not related, thus they shouldn't be accused of promoting transphobic work, and someone had to break down for them exactly how stupid that argument is. The fact that they're apparently telling themselves that explains why the acquaintance I know who I already wasn't comfortable being friends with because she still goes to Catholic church with her family was comfortable referencing reading mauraders fanfiction while knowing she was in front of a trans person. It was just so much to realize the fact that this is just a continuation of the same bullshit people have been spewing for years about death of the author, in front of my trans literature major ass who has actually read roland barthes and knows that's not even kinda what the essay is about.

Anyways I'm tired, trans, and angry, and I would just like some critical thought, gender affirmation, and gay sex as a treat.

I don't really need validation but I need some advice if that's a Thing you do?? I feel so stupid and I don't even know what to do rn because I feel like I'm having some kind of dumb crisis and I'm just??? I'm 26 years old and I've been a cis woman my whole life and I have never once had a conscious issue with it but in the last few months I've sort of been questioning everything and it's intensified in the past week or so to the point where I've even been looking up boy names and binders 1/7

I'm just... so confused? I'm thinking about it and I don't really even hate my body and I align very strongly with certain feminine things like makeup and feminine fashion and the more I think about it I know I don't want to give those things up. I don't think I'm nonbinary, not as I understand it, but is it possible to be a very feminine trans boy? I honestly don't understand what's happening with me 2/7

Looking back I can pinpoint a few times in my life where I felt like things weren't exactly right like how I would get furious as a very young kid playing pretend and calling myself a king when my mom tried to correct me to call myself a queen, times when I only wore clothes from the men's department, a long period of time when I was uncomfortable with feminine pronouns, but nothing ever really sparked any kind of realization in me 3/7

This is very atypical isn't it? Surely I would have noticed something was wrong before this. Aren't most people younger when they figure this out? This is probably so stupid and you're going to be like 'what even is wrong with this person' and I'm sorry to bother you, I just don't really know who I can talk to about this :/ 4/7

(These two parts were hidden to protect the privacy of the anon.)

I'm so sorry for ranting for so long at you, please don't feel obligated to acknowledge me, I'm just old and dumb and I have no idea what's happening. 7/7

My response starts here:

Hello my friend! I can see that you are going through some very difficult things right now. I first and foremost want to clearly and plainly say that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t dumb for sending an ask. You aren’t dumb for asking someone for help. You certainly aren’t dumb for questioning your gender identity. You aren’t dumb for questioning at your age, either. Take a deep breath, in and out. Try to remember to be gentle with yourself, my friend. You deserve as much compassion and kindness as every other struggling LGBT+ person I speak to. You deserve happiness, and it’s okay to be sad or confused. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t have to have all the answers, and guess what? Nobody does. Sometimes you just don’t know, and you have to take time to figure things out. That’s okay. Take your time. Don’t rush yourself into anything or try to put yourself in a box. Don’t panic because you aren’t sure where you fit yet. The answers will come. Maybe it will take a while, but they will. Some people know in a week and others in a few years. Their one similarity, though, is that they all eventually know. You will know. You will understand. You will not always be this unsure of yourself. And goodness gracious, I promise your situation is not at all atypical. You, as surprising as this may seem, are a textbook trans stereotype. That can be soothing in a way, I’m sure. So, so many people start questioning and/or transitioning well into adulthood. Some people transition in their thirties. Some people start questioning in their sixties. These people aren’t alone, and they make up a fairly large portion of the LGBT+ community. Despite what you may think, you are anything but late to the party. It is never too late to question your gender identity. It is never too late to transition. People all develop at different rates and different points throughout their life. Some people only come to realize their gender identity at your age. That isn’t at all uncommon or stupid or unhealthy. There are undoubtedly plenty of people just like you. I am so incredibly glad that you were brave enough to send me this and ask for advice and assurance. That takes a lot of courage sometimes. I want you to know, before I even say anything else, that I’m here. I am always here for you if you ever need me. Anytime you need to talk about anything gender related. Anytime you need someone to help you with these kinds of issues. I’m here for your support anytime you need it, and there is no shame in accepting the help you are given. My heart broke when I read your asks because you sound a lot like I did when I was questioning. I remember vividly how scared I was to be abnormal, how terrified I was to be wrong. My biggest fear by far was that it really was a phase and I was faking being trans. Every trans person I know has admitted to having similar doubts. It is extremely common. Society pushes us to be nothing but cis and straight, so we have trouble recognizing when we aren’t. It took me a long time to figure out if I was really trans or not. Long story short: I was. I am very much a guy. Feminine as I am, and there are many ways in which I am feminine. Plenty of trans guys I know are like me, actually. My boyfriend, who is also a trans guy, loves makeup. My friend, who is a non-binary trans boy, loves the color pink. There is never any reason you’d have to give up those things, not even being trans. There can be feminine boys, so there can absolutely be feminine trans boys. Not only that, but it very well may be that you are a feminine trans boy. A lot of the feelings you’ve described would very much fall into the category of gender dysphoria. Most trans people have always had some dysphoria but didn’t recognize it until they came to understand their identity. For example, I would always refuse to wear dresses when I was little. I didn’t know this was dysphoria until I knew I was trans. Not only that, but every trans person experiences different dysphoria about different things. Some only are uncomfortable with certain things and fine with others. Some don’t even have dysphoria at all but are just more comfortable presenting as their true gender. There are trans guys who wear dresses and feel fine. Others could never do that without feeling very uncomfortable. Dysphoria, like all experiences, is different for everyone. I’m sorry that you feel so isolated and alone. I’ve been there. And really, who hasn’t? Everybody tends to think that they are the outcast, the defect, the one who is different or atypical or wrong. And the truth is that, well, they’re right. Everyone is incredibly, tremendously, entirely weird. There is no such thing as a normal case of transness because every trans person is different. There is no transgender rulebook. There are no guidelines. Being trans isn’t about being just like every other trans guy, it’s about how you feel and what would make you most comfortable. Now, as for the situation with your ex, I’m very sorry about that. Changes like these are hard enough on their own, so it can be very upsetting when something like this complicates the situation. Quite simply, there is nothing you can do to quell people’s assumptions but tell them the truth. Tell them that your transness has nothing to do with your ex. That is the honest truth, and whoever doesn’t believe that isn’t a very good person to be associating yourself with. I know how scary coming out may seem right now, but it’s probably best to entirely set that thought aside for now. Cross that bridge when you get to it. I never want to assume anything, but it doesn’t really seem like you’re in a good place to come out right now. I’d recommend that you perhaps focus more on yourself and accepting the changes in your feelings that are happening right now. Again, like I said, take your time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I promise you will eventually feel better and this will become easier. I hope you find what you are looking for soon. Remember to be kind to yourself! Good luck, my friend.

Hello, it's not about nb questions but... do you know any tumblr posts that show that trans girls or trans femme folks don't have to follow "trans girl tips" and can wear anything they want to be a woman? (Not to disrespect those who do because dysphoria) I'm looking for it but I have no luck lately :(

I’m going to share a secret with you. Positivity posts tend to have one of two OPs: dedicated positivity/resource blogs or people who fit into the positivity they’re giving because they never see positivity for themselves and are tired of not seeing it. So if you want a post like this... make it! That’s not conceited or selfish or whatever other self-doubting thing is running through your mind. So make the post! You’re not the only one who needs to hear it.

(Or maybe you’re just noticing this and feel it’s lacking in visibility, in which case... make the post! Do the thing! You noticed a lack, so help provide some much needed positivity!)

Positivity/validation (haven’t checked out any of these OPs, hopefully they’re okay):http://grindcoretshirt.tumblr.com/post/157918302180/gender-nonconforming-trans-women-are-fuckinghttp://were-all-queer-here.tumblr.com/post/161869620348/you-dont-have-to-be-feminine-to-be-a-womanhttps://ikilihayir.tumblr.com/post/169696286196/you-know-whos-cool-butch-trans-women-butchhttp://nonbinarypastels.tumblr.com/post/167571072920/image-description-a-red-color-block-and-a-bluehttp://transgendersuggestion.tumblr.com/post/157822482770/every-last-trans-woman-beautiful-masculinehttp://spencerburgess.tumblr.com/post/119167207042/cis-men-are-not-women-if-theyre-feminine-transhttp://nonbinarypastels.tumblr.com/post/170943457532/image-description-a-pink-color-block-with-texthttps://tsu-anti.tumblr.com/post/162106009913/can-i-just-give-a-quick-shout-out-to-trans-womenhttps://wlwactivist.tumblr.com/post/157908389024/let-trans-women-be-feminine-let-trans-women-behttp://randomblahstuff.tumblr.com/post/169748697260/trans-women-yall-cute-as-fuck-masculine-transhttps://transuncle.tumblr.com/post/168306655505/support-masculine-trans-men-support-femininehttps://confusedgaysparrow.tumblr.com/post/172756017141/reminder-trans-women-who-are-feminine-are-validhttp://esthetique-garcon.tumblr.com/post/111522033931/support-feminine-trans-women-support-masculinehttp://realtransfacts.tumblr.com/post/130582143091/fact-26-nonbinary-people-dont-have-tohttps://megan-against-nasties.tumblr.com/post/171590177633/if-you-shame-trans-men-for-being-feminine-andorhttp://positrans.tumblr.com/post/172672774547/trans-people-do-not-have-to-try-to-pass-as-their

Call out/explanation: https://fandomshatewomen.tumblr.com/post/170580910529/im-a-feminist-and-id-also-like-to-be-a-goodhttp://elierlick.tumblr.com/post/161297805647/why-is-it-that-ive-seen-hundreds-of-posts-tellinghttp://carrionthrash.tumblr.com/post/168339630535/i-understand-it-comes-from-a-good-place-but-ihttp://thatdiabolicalfeminist.tumblr.com/post/158044100379/butch-women-and-other-gnc-women-deserve-so-muchhttp://trans-mom.tumblr.com/post/159995270427/are-trans-women-that-pass-as-cis-women-privilegedhttp://preta-dreaming.tumblr.com/post/171905809108/like-even-people-who-are-aware-that-trans-womenhttp://mall-communism.tumblr.com/post/171359626058/will-we-ever-celebrate-gnc-trans-women

~ Mod Sock

I'm afab, gender questioning for 2+ years. I always see posts saying how trans men are not women who want to be men (which I 100% believe and agree with), but my problem is...I don't feel like I //am// a man. But sometimes I wish I were. I look at myself and wonder "why am I like this? why couldn't I have been born male?" I've always related more to male fictional characters, pretended to be them as a kid when I'd play pretend games with others... Why might I wish I were male, but feel I'm not?

Hey there. I definitely don’t have a for-sure answer for you -- gender can be complex and confusing, and in the end you know yourself better than I do. But I can offer some suggestions for what might be going on.

You might indeed be a trans man, and simply experiencing doubt and hesitation because of internalized transphobia (which is totally normal!), or because of the mainstream world that talks about trans people being “just confused” and in a “phase” and super “rare,” or because it’s hard to imagine what life as a man would be like, or for some other reason.

You might indeed be a cis woman who identifies more with male fictional characters because male characters tend to have more depth and be better written than female ones. You could be experiencing internalized misogyny (something all women face, don’t worry!), or be tired of experiencing misogyny, that leads you to be hesitant about being a woman despite being one.

You might be agender, genderfluid, a demigirl/boy, or some other non-binary identity rather than a binary cis woman or binary trans man! That could account for not feeling exactly like a man but also not being able to fully identify with your assigned gender.

So, how do you know which of these three possibilities is the right one? (There could also be other possibilities that I haven’t thought of, too). A good place to start is transgenderteensurvivalguide’s resources for trans people and gender questioning people -- particularly their “What am I?” page. This page offers tips for exploring your gender, from daydreaming to going by new name/pronouns for a while to see how it feels. If nonbinary genders are something you want to explore, try their NB flowchart to try and see if any nonbinary identities fit you.

Another thing I’ve heard is that honestly, most cis people never question their gender. If you’re questioning -- especially as long as two years like you have -- the chances of being trans are probably more likely than being cis. I don’t know if thinking in those terms helps, but if it does, great! 

The most important thing is to be patient with yourself. It’s totally normal to be confused when questioning your gender, to go through doubts and worries and just have no idea what’s going on with your gender. You have plenty of time to figure it out.

I hope this helps somewhat, and I’m sorry I can’t help more, but in the end figuring this out is up to you! 

If anyone has more advice (or corrections for what I said), please share. Thanks!