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#and all of mine had annoying on them too which makes them real easy to lose or take extra damage from flying cards

saerins · 4 months

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⋆୨ chapter six ୧˚ redefines in every way what love is

⋆୨ if not for you (masterlist) ⋆୨ previous: chapter five - if not for this love of mine <> next: chapter seven - till forever falls apart ୧˚

⋆୨ synopsis ୧˚ neither of you want this. both you and sae reluctantly agree to this marriage, although sae’s dissatisfaction far outweighs your own. with hidden agendas and old flames, will this ever work out between the two of you, or will your forced spark be doomed to fail?

ೀ series: sae x f!reader | wc 13.2k | ೀ content warnings: fluff/angst, modern au, arranged marriage, rich!sae and rich!reader, jealousy/paranoia, third parties, manipulation, mostly from sae’s (& mirin’s) pov | notes: okay i’ve finally finished it !! sorry for the super long break but real life had a chokehold on me (aka my job sucks) </3 anyway ! hope you enjoy sae’s pov , heh he’s so bad at relationships but sorry i love him <3 next chapter should be the last so ^_^

Sae & Mirin; 17.

It was a peculiar feeling.

Up until that point, whatever interest Sae had in life centred around soccer. Around being the best. Needless to say, when his parents weren’t too happy about both their sons not wanting to take over the family business, Sae took the brunt of it all.

His fingers idly traced circles around the injury on his ankle—the injury caused by another player perpetrated by his parents. It was honestly laughable; the extent to which his parents would go to to have him submit to their will.

“Hey, handsome and gloomy.”

There was that voice he loved to hear. It was silly how easy it was for a special someone to make him smile. A warm pair of arms wrapped themselves around his neck from behind, pressing her weight down on top of him.

“Yes, pretty?”

Mirin laughed, that smile lighting up her features. Her lips pressed a kiss against his cheek before she settled beside him.

They were sitting on top of the school building—after lessons, because Mirin had strict parents who would kill her if she ever skipped class.

“Look at you, moping up here all on your own, ignoring your girlfriend,” she mused, body swaying from side to side before her head eventually rested on his shoulder. A sigh left her lips, the graduation looming upon them catching up to her.

Sae chuckled, pressing a soft kiss onto the top of her head, both of them relishing in the moment. There was an uneasiness that pressed in the air around them, but it was one that Sae chose to ignore. Mirin had a lot of things on her mind that she liked to keep to herself, and this was something that happened very often. It could be because of her overbearing parents, but Sae never minded that.

“Sae, can I ask you something?”

It was a timid tone that he wasn’t used to, but he let it slide.

“Anything.”

“Ten years from now, would you still love me the same?” It was a question that made Sae snort, because he didn’t realise Mirin would talk about the future. She wasn’t one to do so. She nudged him on the arm, laughing along with him because it was hard for her to be all down when she was around him. “Hey, I’m serious, ten years from now, would you still love this annoying, hard headed girlfriend of yours?”

At that time, it wasn’t a hard question. At that time, all Sae could see and care about was Mirin. There was never a doubt in his mind.

So he looked her in the eye, his pinky finger looped around hers.

“Ten years from now, huh? Think I would’ve married you by then.”

Mirin smiled, the most genuine one she ever let loose in her life. Only because at that moment, she felt his sincerity. The only person who treated her with any sort of decency in the way that she needed. In the face of her strict family, with Sae, she had nothing to fear. He was all she needed.

“I’ll hold you to it, Itoshi Sae.”

Sae chuckled, leaning down to kiss Mirin on the lips. “Whatever you say, Mrs Itoshi.”

A few months ago.

The news was broken to him like he was watching a news program and the news anchor was reporting on some trivial matter.

As always, his father said such a thing oh so casually, eating away at his lamb chop and then swiftly switching the subject to wedding preparations, as if his son was a tool that he could command at will.

“What did you just say?”

Because surely Sae heard him wrongly? Surely his father did not just mention that he was to be married to a stranger he barely knew?

This was his life, wasn’t it?

“I expect you to behave, do you understand?” His father responds, ignoring Sae’s question completely. He knew his son heard him, he said it loud and clear after all. “Anyway, we’ll pay fifty-fifty and—”

“No.”

There was a threat in his father’s glare, but it was one that Sae was way too used to.

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t care why you need this stupid marriage to go through but I’m not doing it.”

It was just laughable; there wasn’t any panic evident in his father’s expression. Sae should’ve known, he could already feel what was coming. If anything, his father was always prepared. It was plans on top of plans, a contingency for every situation.

“Either do this, or I’ll get Rin instead. It’ll be a pain, but don’t think I won’t do it.”

There were a lot of things Sae hated his father for, but what he hated the most was how Rin had to be brought into the conversation as a threat whenever he didn’t get his way. He knew it was the only way to control Sae, and he wasn’t afraid to use it.

“Honey! Stop speaking like that… Sae, please try to understand, this will be a huge opportunity. It’s the least you owe us, hm?”

And Sae didn’t even want to think about his mother. The one who always went along with everything because she was in love with the money she married into. The one who always used faux concern as a tool to ease Sae into his father’s plans.

In the end, neither of them cared for their kids. They were only seen as heirs. Like they owed them for being born. That they were only supposed to unconditionally go along with whatever orders they were given without a second thought. They wanted robots more than actual children, it seemed.

“You lost your shot, do you want Rin to lose his too?”

It was almost all too clear who sabotaged Sae’s chance at being a pro footballer. All it took was a single moment of disobedience from Sae and sponsorship of an entire year’s worth of tuition to one of his rivals to get his leg too injured to play in comfort.

As much as it sucked, all three of them knew Sae’s answer. And just like that, his father was victorious.

“Besides, Y/N seems to be excited for this,” his mother said, trying to switch the subject.

“I’m not fucking marrying her. I don’t even know her.” The words flew out of his mouth before he even realised it.

Maybe it had something to do with Mirin. With that rumour he heard going around that she was either already back in Japan or she was coming back soon. Maybe it had to do with the fact that Sae had been waiting for her this whole time, that she was the only one he ever loved.

Of course, none of that would change his parents’ minds. Consuming your family’s company would bring them a ton of uplift that could sustain their business for many years to come, something a money-greedy businessman would go to extreme lengths to get. So it didn’t matter if Mirin’s family could also bring in benefits in terms of cooperation—it would never amount to yours.

And it was wrong. It was wrong of Sae to vent all of his hatred to the fact that you existed, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

Why did you have to exist?

“Maybe we should just pull Rin out then, get him to come back here and handle all this.” His father knew not to back down.

“Sae, be a good boy and listen to us, okay? How about this—if it ever gets too bad, we’ll look into a divorce in the future, hm?” His mother was just useless, but she did at least consider how he could get out of it. Even if it would prove to be difficult in the future.

Giving up entirely, Sae walked out of the front door. There was no way out of it, for now. Not without consequences. Dire ones. For Rin.

Pulling out Oliver’s contact, Sae hit the call button, with Oliver picking up right as he got into a cab.

“Meet you guys at our usual. I need a fucking drink.”

Day of the wedding.

To say that Sae had cold feet would be an understatement.

His marriage to you would be within the next few hours. After what, a couple months of informing him that they’d arranged him to marry the daughter of their close university friends? And they left a very not-so-subtle hint that they’d force Rin back to marry her if Sae didn’t comply.

Sae realised that your family’s company rivals his own, but who would’ve thought that their sudden yield to the Itoshis wanting to buy the company would result in so much shit being passed onto Sae himself?

There were options presented to him to meet you beforehand. All of which you had agreed to (or so his parents said) and all of which he had declined. He really didn’t have the intention of playing nice with you, or acting like he cared about you. To Sae, all you were was someone standing in between the possibility of him and Mirin.

But he did see you as you walked to the venue all on your own. Without a car or your parents, dressed in a loose white sleeveless top and jeans, buying a pack of tissues from the old man across the road, giving him entirely too much money for a three-pack and then refusing the change.

Teal eyes continued observing you as the old man bowed in gratitude, and your demeanour suggested that it probably wasn’t the first time you were giving money out like charity. Sae noticed the pair of half moon crescents as you smiled, the way it lit up your entire face.

If he thought hard enough, maybe he could remember that one time you saw each other when you were kids. Just that once. He was five. You were four. He vaguely remembered you excitedly chattering away to him about something. Sae doubted you remembered any of that though. It was only once and even he didn’t recall anything about it until today.

Tearing his eyes away from you, he walked away from the ledge of the window at his dressing room, sitting on the edge of the bed, idly staring at his phone, at the messages blowing it up, mostly of Oliver and Otoya in the groupchat, saying how Mirin was actually back.

If there was one thing his friends were good at, it was detective work that they didn’t need to do. Because by now, Sae didn’t want to know.

As much as he hated his circumstances, as much as he didn’t like this situation, he was going to be a married man soon. As much as he didn’t want to, he would rather forget about Mirin sooner than later. It would only serve more hurt if he chose the latter anyway.

Still, false hope wasn’t what he wanted to give you. There was nothing that he could think of that would persuade him to love anyone else but her. That was exactly why he found himself outside your dressing room, waiting to speak to you.

Your sister was with you, and Sae kept his thoughts to himself; he remembered your earlier smile. You were the prettier one in his eyes. That didn’t change what he had to do regardless. And both of you are similar in a frustrating way—both of you like to mask your troubles with your smiles.

Maybe you didn’t want this either, then?

“Hi, um, it’s nice to meet you.”

You sounded like the most awkward person in the world. Not that it mattered. Maybe the awkward distance between the two of you would work in his favour then.

“I wanted to set things straight before we go through with anything.”

Your expression wasn’t one of happiness to begin with, but the moment he said his piece, your face looked like all the blood drained from it. Sae averted his gaze. He didn’t like hurting anyone, and surely he didn’t care for you just yet, but this was better than giving you any sort of hope.

He needed to keep it up. Even after today. Tonight, tomorrow and everyday. Until he could see that you understand where this marriage would go; absolutely nowhere, but that both of you had to stay anyway.

But your parents had impeccable timing, coming over to the room right as he was exiting. That just meant he had to entertain your family for a few more seconds, nothing too difficult. He had been dealing with his father for his whole life after all.

“So, this is the first time you’re meeting our Y/N right? What do you think, son?” Your father sounded like his father when he was trying to play nice. Suddenly it made sense that they would be in cahoots to force their kids together.

“Your daughter is…” Sae lost himself in thought for a while, thinking back to that smile he saw on you, that genuine smile when you were helping someone. Not this fake one you have plastered on to make it seem like everything was okay. You had no obligation to cover for his actions but you did it anyway. “Pretty.”

And even prettier when she’s actually smiling, he thought to himself as he retreated back to his own dressing room.

Later on during the wedding reception, Sae tried his best to act the part of a happy husband. It was hard though, considering how stiff and awkward you were. You really didn’t have talent for being an actress. He let slip a few harsh reminders, but he was careful not to get too into it—last thing he needed was for you to cry.

You were nothing to him. Nothing but the one he had to marry to get his parents off him and his brother’s back.

So why did he feel a tinge of something when he caught your best friend staring? Mikage Reo, not a bad catch himself, and he had been your best friend since elementary school, if Sae recalled correctly.

That was all he could think about when he stormed back to the dressing room, wantonly irritated by his father and mildly annoyed by your concern. The only reason he could think of for being angry was the lingering feelings of an unresolved first love.

The only one he thought he would marry, would watch as she walked down the aisle like a princess out of a fairytale. The only one who taught him love and gave him the most treasured memories of his youth. The only one who could, at this moment, receive his kindness while everyone else would be dead in his eyes.

And of course the universe would perpetuate such a connection; his phone buzzed with notifications from Mirin. An almost empty thread opened up, and he was reminded of when he tried to forget her when she dated another guy while she was overseas. But how could he really forget her when she came back and told him she couldn’t forget about him either? That if it wasn’t too much, if he could wait for her to come back?

Sae won’t deny that there was a mix of emotions about it, that Karasu had told him many times before he thought she was just leading him on, that she wanted a comfortable failsafe for when she inevitably came back and didn’t want to be alone.

That was the key reason why they drifted.

And now, she came back. She came back and she didn’t get her invite because Sae threw it in the trash because even if he didn’t know you, it was common sense that he couldn’t invite Mirin—not when she was the only person capable of changing his mind. Not when he knew she wouldn’t be afraid to voice herself.

Sae didn’t particularly like you, but he wasn’t going to deliberately hurt you that way. He was sure he would upset you in many other ways, unintentionally, but he told himself he wouldn’t do that to you.

As he looked at her chat thread, at his possible responses—how could i ever forget? and i wish it was you and many more he didn’t have the energy to type out—Sae swallowed the lump in his throat. There was a battle going on in his head; the one that knew what was right and the one that wanted to go with his heart.

He succumbed to both.

Staring at his i miss you, he started to remember how hard you tried to keep up with him earlier that day, how you probably tried to stay at his good side.

With his head in his hands, he felt the familiar flow of tears threatening to unveil—it was a hard decision but he had to make it.

That was it. Sae had decided. He had to let go of Mirin and whatever promises they made.

She had to stay in the past.

As he looked at her nickname on his phone, he wished he could will the memories away. Even as he saw her response. Even as he knew the way she told him she missed him too would haunt him for a good while.

Goodbye.

Stepping into the house you two would share felt more than just a little uneasy. Both of you had never been in the same room before today and now your parents expected the both of you to just be okay living together.

Maybe it was a little too much of Sae to just take the master bedroom and banish you to the other one, but it had been a long day and he really wasn’t a saint. He had expected you to argue back but you didn’t, and that was fine with him—maybe once he cleared his head he could think of ways to make it so things were fairer to you but not now.

Not when he was a mix of emotions just threatening to explode.

It was especially perplexing when he got into the room and started checking it out that he found his things already there, unpacked for him, a familiar black box he had once kept precious sitting on the study desk. He didn’t have to open it to know what was inside.

Apart from pictures with Rin, he really should just burn everything else.

Next time. It was always a problem for next time because he was way too annoyed at life for everything else. Looking at it was just a reminder, too, of a life he had once craved and he couldn’t move forward if it was still there.

Yeah, yeah, he’d burn it all to ashes next time and leave it all in the past like he planned.

The next few days after that, count Sae mildly surprised when you kept trying in subtle ways to ease the tension between the two of you.

There were a few things you did; you kept at your good mornings, and on the days you were feeling particularly courageous you bothered to ask him what he wanted for dinner. He didn’t reciprocate much, only contributed his mornings and told you he didn’t need dinner (although he would note how delicious the food you cooked smelled when he came home afterwards).

There was something strange about the way you made him feel—he didn’t understand where you got the energy to keep trying when you knew this wasn’t what either of you wanted. It was easy enough for him to tell that your parents forced you into this too, but what wasn’t easy was trying to see why you were so good.

What was even more frustrating was the sense of comfort he felt. It was alarming. He didn’t know why it was there. But he found himself trying to reject it.

“Isn’t this supposed to be your honeymoon period or something?”

“C’mon, Oliver, they don’t even sleep in the same room,” Otoya sighed, getting bored of the subject. He was also getting tired of watching Sae’s unenthused face every night.

Ever since he got married, he hasn’t once spent a normal night in. He just didn’t think he had any energy to spend on trying to be cordial with you. Not when a million things are still running through his head in a loop.

It was only 8.30pm, and both Oliver and Otoya were already bringing the big liquor bottles out, the lights in the karaoke room dimming.

“Where’s Karasu?”

“Busy again, with god knows what.” Otoya always sounded disinterested in anything and everything. “Where’s the girls?”

The girls, meaning the usual two that they had as fuck buddies, something Sae didn’t care for. That could be all Otoya cared for, actually.

“On the way,” Oliver replied, pouring the whisky into the shot glasses on the table. Three, even though Sae didn’t want any. “By the way,” Oliver said, a hint of mischief in his eyes as he turned to look at Sae. “I have a special guest for you.”

“What?” Sae was entirely too tired to have time to play another one of Oliver’s mind games.

Oliver was already downing a shot for no reason, and Sae chalked it up to being under the constant pressure of being a big shot lawyer’s son.

“That’s who I asked Karasu to get before coming here,” Oliver grinned, sliding a shot glass over to Sae.

Sae ignored it. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Come on, don’t play dumb,” Oliver groaned, throwing his head back against the leather seats dramatically. “Mirin? The name ring a bell?”

It did more than ring a bell, actually. It made Sae’s heart stop, made him speechless. Made Otoya snicker at his reaction.

“Thought I’d offer some incentive to cheer you up from that boring loveless marriage of yours,” Oliver commented, tossing a pack of cigarettes onto the table and lighting one up.

If Sae was being completely honest, he did want to see Mirin. He hadn’t seen her for so many years, he found a passing thought that wondered if she was still as pretty as he remembered, if she still scrunched her nose in that cute way she did and if she still used the same perfume that he liked.

But for some reason, Sae kept thinking back to you. What would you think if you found out? Somehow, he realised maybe that fact alone could make you cry. And somehow, for some abstract reason he couldn’t make out, he wasn’t okay with that.

In the background, he could faintly make out the conversation between Otoya and Oliver, something about how Otoya thought Mirin looked hot from her pictures, and how Oliver encouraged the thought, saying shit like “wait till you see her in real life.”

Normally, he’d feel like punching those who dared to talk about Mirin like that, but at that moment all he felt was nausea. In a weird turn of events, he kind of actually wanted to punch Oliver for taking a subtle dig at you. You were a good person. Even if Sae wasn’t particularly innocent at treating you less than you deserve.

Nausea nausea nausea.

It got even worse when seconds later, Karasu strolled through their door, a smirk on his face aimed at Sae.

“She’s in the restroom freshening up,” Karasu said, winking this time, Oliver whistling in anticipation.

His head was in a mess, wanting to bolt out of there straight away but failing to do so in time because the next minute, Sae watched as his first love walked through the door, looking beautiful as ever.

“Wow, four handsome guys in the room with me, huh?”

She’d gotten flirtier than he remembered. And she wasn’t directly talking to him yet, which was a relief for him.

“Yeah darling, wanna help us take a pic?” Oliver smirked, tossing her his phone.

Sae was just in a daze, looking at the camera as Mirin snapped a picture, her eyes lingering over him through the phone. If he wasn’t married, he was sure he would’ve reacted differently, but as things stood, this was wrong.

The moment Oliver suggested Mirin sit next to Sae for a picture, Sae found himself walking towards the door, muttering an excuse about how he had another appointment and leaving.

“Hey Sae, wait up—”

Mirin’s voice was loud and clear as she chased him out the door but Sae was faster. He was back into his car and driving back home, back to you, before he even made sense of it all.

When he walked through the front door, ready to just pass out on the bed because he had too many surprises earlier, he could smell the homemade cooking—the same one that made him feel nice coming home to. It was more prominent than usual.

Of course it was, because he could see the untouched food as he walked past the dining room. You were there, sitting there, a little pathetic but cute, and Sae didn’t really know what to do.

“Why haven’t you eaten?”

And you seemed a little more determined than usual, although the trembling of your fingers said otherwise. You were that easily scared of him?

“I was waiting for you.”

It was a simple thing, really. A wife waiting for her husband to get home first before eating. But to Sae, it was inexplicable. There was never any instance where he had an easy time going home, especially before this. Going home meant listening to his parents argue over money and having to pretend he didn’t hear it and have to watch them take the same stance as though he didn’t just hear their divide. Home-cooked food had lost its meaning for Sae a long time ago when all he had were private chefs cooking with technique and just that.

Since when did going home mean there would be a warm dinner waiting for him with so much effort put into picking out what he liked? Did you pay attention to his takeout whenever he ordered in?

“I already ate.”

There it was—that denial again that Sae just couldn’t seem to get rid of. Because wouldn’t all marriages dissolve into what his parents had without a strong foundation? They never loved each other, that much Sae could tell. For the longest time, he had thought maybe for once, someone could have a happy family if they actually felt the same about each other and for the longest time that person to him was Mirin.

The same girl he ignored earlier. The same girl he brushed past to get home to you. The same girl who didn’t seem to have as much of a hold over him as he thought after he saw her in the flesh.

Maybe that was why he found himself wanting to try. He had rejected you many times, relegating you to the other end of the house so he didn’t have to see you and feel guilty all the time. It was pathetic of him, yeah, and he was sorry. And call him a coward but he didn’t know how to handle any of this like a normal person would. Normal people probably wouldn’t have to be forced to marry a stranger though.

For once in his life, Sae found himself trying. Trying something he was so averse to in the first place. Trying something that he found so curious because you managed to bring it out of him.

Your efforts didn’t have to be big. It was all so small, so subtle. He saw everything and he tried to reject it—so why is he here now, picking the meat off the bones for you? You seemed so nervous he was afraid you might miss a bone and hurt yourself.

Which made no sense because you didn’t mean anything to him. Right?

So why did he feel the familiar tug on his lips, the smile threatening to form just from a simple dinner, the same way you managed to tug on his heartstrings?

When Sae heard you asking him for a favour, he thought you might’ve been joking. But your demeanour suggested you might not be. It was kind of weird, how you claimed that it was your parents who wanted to check up on the marriage and so you said that you needed Sae to cooperate, but at the same time you looked absolutely gleeful at the thought of having some semblance of normalcy in your married life with him.

He did you a favour by not calling you out for it.

But he couldn’t stop himself from being curious, from wondering what you looked like if he really threw you a bone. That was the driving force behind his close proximity to you, so close he could smell the shampoo off your hair and appreciate the way your breath hitched in your throat.

Cute.

He kept that to himself too, kept entirely way too many opinions of you to himself instead of sharing them with you.

“How are they gonna believe a thing when you’re that awkward around me?”

He gave a mental reminder to himself: maybe he should help you work on that.

But the moment you brought up finances, a bad feeling lurked in the back of his head. Just a gut feeling, if anything. Maybe it was because he was brought up in a similar household that he could tell when other people had bad intentions.

Your parents weren’t exempt from it, he was sure. They treated you like trash, from what he heard earlier, and he couldn’t stop himself from wanting to rid what would make your life harder.

You were his wife, after all.

“You want me to… transfer all my money into this account?”

He got it, it was a tough ask. Especially since Sae had been none too nice to you since you got married, but for this one, he was adamant. So you did. You gave him all your money like he asked and he really needed to teach you not to be so naive around other people but maybe you felt the same pull as he did, the overwhelming urge to trust even though it wasn’t so much rightfully earned yet.

Stupidly, he felt just that little bit of excitement creeping up inside him at the notion of actually getting a possibly normal marriage to a perfectly good person until his phone vibrated and he saw the name he was hoping he would never have to deal with again.

Mirin wanted to meet.

And if she had not texted to say it was urgent, Sae probably would’ve ignored it. But they spent a chunk of their youth together and it was way too much for him to forget all in a few days.

Still, he didn’t want to give in so easily.

As the days passed, it was strange how easy it was to warm up to you. It was as though the friction between you never existed in the first place.

Somehow, it felt like the both of you were learning as you went through with it—a marriage where you both were learning to be friends first, and Sae never actually knew how much he needed that, how much he enjoyed it.

He didn’t think he’d like it one bit.

But there he was, constantly texting you most times because you were the only person he didn’t mind speaking to nowadays. Well, you and Rin. Maybe Oliver, but after his last stunt he didn’t really want to speak to him.

Sae sighed as he texted you that he’d be coming home late. The frames already came through the mail anyway, he suspected you’d have a good time hanging the photos up everywhere. You loved taking pictures that day after all.

“Wife checking up on you?”

Mirin’s question sounded innocent, but it was enough to irk Sae. To him, it sounded invasive.

“What did you need?” Because she didn’t need to know anything about you. Sae didn’t want her to; Mirin was in the past and he wanted to make sure it stayed that way.

This entire meeting was set up only because perhaps Sae thought she didn’t warrant herself a bad reception from him. She didn’t do anything wrong.

And neither was he, so why was he afraid to just be upfront with you and tell you about Mirin?

Seemingly taken aback by his tone, Mirin looked away nervously. This was a weird setting to be in for someone who said they were upset. Sae had expected a quiet cafe or maybe even a park, not a restaurant at a five-star hotel.

Then again, this was Mirin. Someone who had been brought up being able to enjoy everything to its finest.

“I just needed a friend, that’s all.”

A sure-fire way to earn his sympathy was right there in front of him. Sure, they might have drifted for a while, but it wasn’t like Sae thought she was a bad person. She always used to be strong on her own, steadfast, never needed anything or anyone that sometimes Sae felt like he wasn’t even needed.

Yet there she was, tears spilling down her face and trying to smile and suddenly Sae couldn’t continue being so harsh anymore.

A friend was all he was going to be. It was all he would allow himself to be. The entire night, all he could think about was how much he had missed this whole time—a lot had changed the last few years. The happy family he once knew Mirin’s to be was no more, an unfaithful mother took care of that. And apparently, her father had been on a downward spiral ever since. It was why she moved back, to take care of him.

“But sometimes it gets to be too much, you know?” She was sobbing, and Sae could only watch helplessly. It was not something he was familiar with, but he knew Mirin—she wasn’t someone who would share something like this to anyone. The fact she had called him out of the blue would allude to the fact that she didn’t want to tell anyone else.

It was a lot for him to take in; just imagining being in her shoes, having a father who spiralled into nothing and refused to get back to work, having to take care of him while managing her own shit—Sae didn’t know if he would be that filial at all, but then again, his father was a lot less of one than hers was.

“Anyway,” she sniffled, wiping her tears away and trying to smile. “How’s married life? Y/N, is it?”

Sae cleared his throat, realising that he probably had offered no words to Mirin’s predicament. It was a weird thing, talking to your ex about your current wife. It made him feel like he really shouldn’t be here somehow. “Yeah, that’s her, and it’s great.”

He wasn’t even going to bother masking the awkwardness of the subject.

And Mirin wasn’t going to let up.

“Is she… good to you?”

Good was an understatement. Sae thought you were phenomenal. You didn’t harbour any ill intentions toward him even though he deserved it. You didn’t treat him any harsher like he did you. You were an angel among the living and he should have been grovelling for someone like you but instead you’d been served on a silver platter and Sae knew all of that now.

The difference between how he would’ve treated Mirin before and after you appeared was enough proof of what, or who, he really wanted.

“She’s the best,” he answered honestly, and he felt just slightly bad when Mirin’s expression dropped. Something told him that she was expecting something else. That was when Sae felt the need to draw the line. “And I don’t think she would appreciate it if she knew I was out with… you.”

Across the table, Mirin shifted in her seat, visibly uncomfortable with his tone. She recognised it; it was when he was about to break some bad news. It was always directed to someone else but never to her.

“Listen, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, really I am,” Sae started, averting his gaze because he wasn’t actually good with words—but if he intended for this to be goodbye, then he had to. “But I don’t think it would be a good idea if we met alone anymore.”

On Mirin’s end, she didn’t want to give up. Sae had been the better part of her youth and she didn’t want to give up their entire relationship or friendship or whatever it is to some girl who had been unknown to her until she got back and realised Karasu had been invited to the wedding and not her. That must’ve been you, was it not?

So she had to play this smart. She had to, to keep this thinning line of relation between her and Sae. As long as it was still there, there had to be a shot for her, right?

“No, you’re right, I’d feel bad too, I just… I didn’t have anyone to turn to recently and—”

“It’s fine,” Sae cut in, mainly because he didn’t want to have to hear her voice break anymore. It was clear cut in his head what they couldn’t be, what he didn’t want them to be anymore. Because he wanted that with you, or at least try at it. “I know Karasu’s been busy lately what with owning his first hotel and all but… Oliver’s a pretty good listener once you get to know him more, and Otoya… you know what, just stick with Oliver—he’s a better guy than he seems. And his family’s full of lawyers too so you guys might have a lot in common.”

Mirin could feel her whole world breaking into pieces right in front of her but there was no such thing as defeat in her dictionary. All she had to do was retreat and come back twice as strong, otherwise she might lose Sae for good.

So she nodded, as though she cared for who or what his friends could do for her. Sae was the only one she wanted to be around—that night at the karaoke room was just a failed attempt, that was all.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll take your word for it,” Mirin smiled through her pain, fingers fisting at the hem of her dress. He didn’t even bother to compliment her tonight, or say anything of substance. This was not the Sae she knew, and she wanted to bring him back.

That was why, that night when she got back home (and she was absolutely miserable at how Sae didn’t even offer to drive her back, instead just staying with her until she hailed a cab), she used everything at her family’s disposal to find out more about you. You and your family and Mirin wouldn’t stop until she found out what could possibly make you break.

If there was something Sae would want answers to, it was how he went from having not a single care in the world to give you, to giving you more than he ever even gave himself. He didn’t know if it even seemed that way to you, but it was.

After he got back that night, it was as though you’d constructed a wall between the both of you. Sae could feel you pulling away a little, and he didn’t know why—all he knew was that he didn’t want you to drift. He hadn’t even gotten that close yet, and he wanted to know more about you.

Was it a crime that he couldn’t express himself properly?

It was unfathomable how he was here in the kitchen in the middle of the day, trying to cook dinner for when you got back from meeting Reo. He frowned a little just upon remembering that. Was this jealousy? Only because he was sure by the way Reo was looking at you on your wedding day that there were some hidden feelings there.

On his part, for sure. For you? Sae couldn’t be sure. He could only hope not.

But he wouldn’t discount you from getting a divorce when he saw the mess he ended up making in the kitchen, especially that charcoal-stained wall behind the stove.

Fuck, was he really this bad at anything related to maintaining the household?

Fish was cooked to fuck so he couldn’t serve that anymore. Chicken got burnt on the grill because Sae couldn’t tell when it was done for the life of him. The only thing that was left was the soup and it was still boiling on the stove so at least not all was lost.

At that moment, Sae felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and immediately picked it up, moving himself to the balcony in case you got home early.

“Oliver, find anything out?”

Over the line, Oliver scoffed. “Saw the dad going to the bank, think he went to take whatever was in his safe deposit box. Mother was there too.”

Through the phone, Sae could still tell Oliver was smoking. He still remembered how much smoke would fill his car whenever he rode with him. There was a long pause as Sae tried to gather his thoughts.

“So, Itoshi Sae had a change of heart, huh?” Oliver’s teasing voice rang loud over the line.

Sae rolled his eyes, somewhat regretting asking the guy for a favour.

“What about Mirin? Still ditching her all the time?”

Sae wouldn’t call it ditching. He just… kept rejecting every single time she’d ask him out. Sure, she kept it in line with what he had told her last time, which was to not hang out alone, but Sae didn’t necessarily hang out together in a group either.

“You know, she—”

“Don’t care,” Sae interjected.

“Oh? Really? What if—”

“Don’t wanna hear anything about her, if you don’t mind.” And he was being completely honest. Sure, she kept responding to his stories and he was being nice by giving them a reaction, and sometimes she kept trying to text him although he barely gave any good responses—but that was the extent of their friendship right now, as far as Sae would allow it.

Oliver chuckled through the phone, hands up in surrender even though no one would see it. “Fine, have it your way.”

“Just tell me if you find anything else,” Sae muttered, completely exhausted from having to deal with anything related to Mirin and for once, Oliver was surprised.

“Aye aye, sir,” Oliver murmured sarcastically before hanging up.

The Sae he knew before you would never be caught dead trying to push Mirin away. Sighing, Oliver drove away, losing sight of your parents from his rearview mirror.

“Just don’t say I didn’t try to warn you, Sae.”

Maybe the tickets his parents gave him to celebrate the honeymoon in Korea was a huge blessing in disguise. From looking at you being excited all through the airport just because everyone had been calling you Mrs Itoshi and Sae had been addressing you as his wife, to actually landing in Incheon airport and watching you hop like a child—he thought maybe your earlier distance was just a phase.

Until, of course, you suggested that you both do solo trips.

To which Sae had been mostly deadpan, but not because he didn’t care—more like he was stumped. This was a honeymoon. For the both of you. Was this you trying to push him away? And if so, what for?

So Sae wasn’t going to let that get in the way. He didn’t outright reject your idea. But he could go along with it. You could go wherever you wanted to go, and Sae would tag along behind you.

He wasn’t going to let you wander around solo when you were supposed to spend time enjoying this foreign place together. And Mirin was especially not going to be able to guilt trip him into entertaining her while he was there by using their old plans against him.

When he tried to be her friend and texted her back with actual words for once, Mirin had somehow steered the entire conversation into dangerous territory; like how Mirin had once told Sae she wanted to visit Korea with him someday and that she asked if it was too much to still want to go.

Of course, he had said Oliver would be more than happy to take her there (to which she had sent a sad face that he happily ignored). Still, it sucked when he was trying to find a balance between being a friend and learning to be a good husband.

So there he was, following you around shamelessly even though he knew you kept looking behind to make sure that he was, in fact, actually following you. Sometimes it was hard to keep his snicker in. You looked half in shock yet half relieved.

It was more enjoyable with you than he thought it would be. He had absolutely zero expectations, especially when he had heard so much about knowing people’s true nature once you go on a trip with them—but you were more than fine.

Sae was starting to silently thank his parents for forcing you together. He got to see your smiles way up close, and it was nice to keep you close to him, and he liked the way you smelled that he memorised your perfume when you went in to that makeup store earlier.

That was why when night came and the both of you got back to the hotel, Sae had been more than a little regretful that he had asked the staff to prepare an extra mattress. Was it bad he wanted to sleep with you?

In the end, he only shook his head and vanquished the question from his head. He didn’t want to risk making you too uncomfortable.

“It’s nothing, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Sae.”

And he watched as you walked away, wondering if your disappointment was all in his head.

The next few days of the honeymoon went well—until a flurry of notifications popped up while the two of you were playing on his phone; Oliver’s personal important ones mixed with Mirin’s loud ones in the group chat. He didn’t give one shit about the latter, but Oliver’s is what he couldn’t let you see. Not yet, anyway, when it was just based on a hunch.

“Hey Oliver, what is it?”

“They’re definitely fishy, my guy said they’d been moving money around, no idea where though.”

Sae spent that entire evening theorising with Oliver on what it could be—and by the time he came back in, you’d passed out in your bed, probably exhausted from walking too much that day. Somehow, it felt rewarding to be able to tuck you in, and maybe it was greedy but he kissed you lightly on the forehead before he shut the lights.

Yeah, he’d definitely protect you, no matter what.

But there was something he couldn’t understand somehow, when he thought everything was going fine—why were you distancing yourself again?

The last few days of the trip felt wrong, and especially the last night when he could hear you sniffling through the door. It worried him more than he was when it was Mirin, and if that wasn’t enough proof to himself that you were slowly becoming irreplaceable in his life then he didn’t know what was.

That was why he gave in and called the only person he knew who could help—Reo. No matter how much he didn’t want to admit it, after being your best friend your whole life, he would probably know best. Sustaining his own ego came last to him when it involved you.

“You better not have done something wrong to Y/N or I swear to god—”

“Hello to you too, Reo.”

Reo sighed, and Sae didn’t blame his hostile tone. You probably confided in him for everything and Sae was undoubtedly one of those things.

“So? What is it?” The purple-haired one’s reluctance to speak to Sae showed, and Sae had to swallow every bit of pride down because he had to ask.

Turned out, Reo was more than willing to share. Only because it was for you, he said. And Sae suddenly felt like an ass for feeling a pang of jealousy. Reo knew you in certain emotionally intimate ways that Sae had yet to learn; he knew what you wanted people to do when you were in different moods, he knew how you wanted to be treated.

That was why Sae couldn’t help himself.

“Reo, are you in love with Y/N?” Sae chose your name instead of calling you his wife—there was a part of him that felt possessiveness in this sense would make him sound like more of a douche than he already seemed to be.

“Relax, I’m not gonna steal her from you or anything,” he laughed, although Sae noted he didn’t answer the question. “But… just letting you know, she has a ton of other options.”

After Reo hung up, Sae stared at the open chat thread on his screen. A picture of you and Reo, making it seem like the two of you were kissing, sent to Sae from an anonymous number. More than questionable, and Sae had tiny specks of doubt before now—wasn’t it natural to be sceptical in situations like these? But now he knew it was stupid. It was stupid because if not Reo, then he should know you enough to trust you wouldn’t do such a thing.

Same as Sae.

Maybe there were things you weren’t ready to tell each other, but now you had the rest of your lives to do so. Sae sure as hell wanted to keep you for that long at the least. So that night he found himself promising you that he would stay, because it was the honest truth. He would stick by you no matter what. After all, he fell in love with you before he even knew it.

And maybe one day, he’ll have the guts to say it.

Just when Sae thought he had had enough troubles for a while, what with your parents showing him their true colours (whether you caught on to it or not)—life threw him another curveball. One in the form of his old flame, casually showing up at his doorstep even though he never once told her the address.

“Mirin? What are you doing here?”

And she was wearing that same old face of hers, the sad one, the one that looked like she was just seconds away from breaking. Normally Sae would entertain her like he did that one night, for old times’ sake, but he was beginning to feel bad intentions and this��his ex-girlfriend being in the house you two shared—was definitely something you would object to.

Instead of waiting for an invitation like a normal person, she barged in past Sae, helping herself to a seat by the island, head in her hands.

“I didn’t know where else to go, it’s just been getting worse,” Mirin was sniffling at that point, and Sae knew he was going to feel like a total ass, but he had to do what he had to do. She had mistaken his question as one of concern.

“I actually got an errand to run, so,” Sae lied through his teeth, dressed in a random oversized white tee and black shorts, though that didn’t stop him. He was genuinely sick and frankly, he was growing sick and tired of having to deal with someone who didn’t respect boundaries.

“Huh?”

“I gotta leave in a minute,” he muttered, going into the bedroom to grab a coat and his keys, slipping on his shoes afterwards at the entrance before turning to look up at Mirin. “Do… you wanna stay in here alone?”

Stumped, Mirin took a few seconds to form a proper response. “Um, no no, how about I run that errand with you? Two is better than one, right?” She was still smiling brightly, almost oblivious to Sae’s attitude.

Two was definitely not better than one, especially since all Sae intended to do was to drive around the block and come back when she was gone.

“Nah, it’s a personal matter, and I’m already late,” he said, sauntering out the front door, Mirin barely trailing behind before the door closed.

Once they were in the lift, Sae caught Mirin sidling up next to him, and he had to exaggerate his coughing just to get her to distance herself. As the icing on top of the cake, he turned on his phone screen just to let her see the wallpaper he put of the both of you back in Korea, that picture where the both of you dressed up in front of the palace. Just to make sure she knew where his head was at.

“Need me to call you a cab home?” He asked, because he would—anything to get her out of here because Sae just didn’t want to give her any space in his life right now.

Of course, Sae knew Mirin well enough to know she was probably seething inside because she came all this way for nothing, but she masked it with a smile. “No it’s fine, I’ll help myself.”

True to her word, she did. Sae watched the cab turn down the other side of the road through his side mirror, and he was relieved more than anything. To think, just months ago he would’ve given anything to have her back in his life.

In the cab, Mirin’s tears weren’t those of upset, but more towards those of contempt. Just what kind of a spell did you have Sae under that he would treat her, the love of his life, so cruelly? To her, you could never be perfect, not for Sae. Because it was her. He told her so, once upon a time. In fact, how dare you get the dream honeymoon with Sae that she always wanted?

And even though she didn’t get much time with him today (because of course he was still acting up), she smiled to herself as she scrolled through her photos. She got what she came for, at least. A few pictures she took, both before and when Sae came out of the room.

Swiftly, Mirin went to her profile and posted a story—anything that seemed suspect enough would be fine. All she needed was a little luck and for the universe to propel you to look at her profile. Creating misunderstandings would just be the building block of you and Sae’s downfall, and then everything else would be easy peasy. Sae wouldn’t even stop her anyway—he unfollowed her a while ago. Whatever.

Yeah, everything would go her way just like it always did. Making Sae pine for her for so long couldn’t possibly be erased by someone such as yourself. Besides, if all else failed, Mirin already found out what she needed to about your family. If all else failed, she’d make sure to take you down.

Was it all in his head?

You seemed a little more inquisitive than usual, and it looked like you were biting your tongue. Did you have something to say that you were afraid to?

“You can tell me anything if you ever need to, okay?” It was more to assure you that nothing you could ask him would ever be too much or too invasive because he honestly didn’t know what it could be—but you didn’t take it.

Was it a sensitive subject?

The entire time you were gone, he spent his time at home ignoring Oliver’s calls and mulling over the decision in his head; the decision to tell you everything that was going on with Mirin. It was getting too much, and he couldn’t tell what was going on in her head anymore—it was like he never knew her.

And… he owed you that, at the very least. You had been nothing but an angel to him, and you’d never been petty or vindictive and you were perfect. Just perfect.

Despite being surrounded by people like Oliver and Otoya who wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about it if they were in his shoes, and being brought up by people who lacked any sort of love for either of their sons, Sae knew that he had to tell you before it was too late. Before Mirin started sinking her claws into you and drove you crazy—being how she was right now, he wouldn’t put it past her to do that. Call it a gut feeling.

If she could just show up wherever she wanted impulsively, plus the amount of information she could get her hands on thanks to her father’s contacts, who knew what else she could do?

But speak of the devil and it shall show up at your door, because minutes later, instead of opening the door to your beautiful face and warm smile, Sae got only a sinister feeling.

“What do you want?”

This time, he didn’t bother hiding his disdain for seeing her anymore. She had been proving time and time again that she was only out for herself, and that was not the person Sae once loved.

She may as well be a stranger now.

Her frown lined her features, the furrow of her brows more defined than ever. Her expression was halfway between disbelief and upset. “Are you really going to treat me this way, Sae?”

“I thought we could still be friends, and that was stupid of me,” Sae said, being openly honest with her for once. “But we can’t.”

With her hand on the door as he tried to close it on her, Mirin was determined to keep it open. She wasn’t about to come all the way here for nothing again. Besides, she’d been posting conspicuously for days—surely now was a good time as ever to drive the wedge deeper between the two of you?

“Why? Because your petty wife won’t let us?”

Sae had never had to force his voice down as much as he had to right now. “Don’t you… ever say anything against her.” He turned on his heels, ready to get his coat and force her out of there until he heard the familiar clack of her heels storming in after him.

“You’re not seriously choosing that second-rate over me?” She spat, fists clenched at her sides, her purse thrown on the floor.

Silence was all he could give her because nothing that would come out of his mouth would be merciful. You were the most innocent of all and yet your name was getting dragged through the mud just because Mirin couldn’t wake up and realise that she was the only reason they drifted in the first place.

“Get out.” Soft. Simple. There was nothing else Sae had to say to her.

Mirin shook her head, adamant on seeing this conversation through to the end. She wasn’t going to leave until she got what she wanted. “You’ve seriously got a screw loose if you’re choosing that cheating whore over me.”

Sae’s head whipped over to glare at her, his self-control coming in extra handy tonight. He narrowed his gaze, the realisation dawning upon him.

“You were the one who sent that picture of her with Reo, weren’t you?” A redundant question; he didn’t need her to answer.

Judging by the triumphant smirk on her face, she didn’t need to say a thing. “Oh, I have a lot more where that came from,” she chuckled, sounding a lot like a villain out of a fairytale. Slowly, she inched closer to him, “come on, if she can have her fun, we can have ours, can’t we?”

Lunging forward, her lips connected with his as she caught him off guard, her arms wrapped around his neck, taking him a few seconds to pry off. Sae wasn’t even spared a second before she tried again, but he swerved this time, and she could only scoff.

“Are you fucking nuts?”

“I’d be careful with how you speak to me if I were you,” she threatened, and Sae was about to offer a rebuttal until she took her purse and shoved some documents in his hand. “This is what you had Oliver investigate, right?”

Sae swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked over them. It wasn’t what he asked of Oliver. This was way more in depth and way more messy than Sae had thought it was. There must’ve been an ongoing investigation that he wasn’t aware of. Either way, how did she—

“It was easy enough to steal it from him,” Mirin mused, straightening up. “It wasn’t his fault, I nicked it while he was asleep.”

Sae didn’t even want to think about the context of that situation. What was even more perplexing was how proud she sounded of it.

Taking a deep breath, he collected himself, making sure to hold onto the documents. Mirin grinned slightly, realising his intentions. “Don’t worry, I made sure to make copies,” she told him, winking.

“What do you want?”

“To talk. About everything. Or else I call for an official investigation into that.”

On one side, Sae felt that everything that had to be said was already said and done. On the other, Mirin wanted so desperately to hold onto the only thing she had been sure of at one point in her life that nothing was going to stop her.

It wasn’t like he had a choice—there was no way he was going to let her storm through your life like that. If there was a chance he could talk some sense into her, he had to try.

“Fine, give me a minute.”

Retreating to the bathroom to wash his face and get her damned lipstick stain off—something he no doubt would have to tell you about later because this has blown way out of proportion—he was almost done until he heard Mirin introducing herself and his heart sank.

Fuck, were you back already?

It wasn’t hard to tell you were completely taken aback by Mirin’s presence in the house. And if Sae had his way, he would tell you everything right here and right now but with the knowledge she held over your family, he wasn’t sure it was a wise idea to tip her over the edge right now. Her threat still loomed over him.

Sae hated how she could take advantage of the situation and just make it seem even more suspicious—just how long had she been at this? He really should’ve just warned you about Mirin a long time ago.

“Do you trust me?”

“I don’t know, Sae. Can I?” For the first time, there was nothing but crisp coldness in your voice.

It stays with him even after he leaves, even when he follows Mirin to the bridge overlooking the waterfront. He’s decided; after tonight, there will not be any ties between him or Mirin, not after he actually witnessed how toxic she could get.

“This is far enough,” Sae tells her, stopping himself right before the row of shophouses that line the underside of the bridge. “What do you want from me?”

Mirin chuckles helplessly, caught between knowing everything she’s doing is futile and wanting to try anyway. “Are you kidding me, Sae?” The tears are already streaming down her face, and Sae is mostly just in awe of how quick she can go from menacing to heartbroken. “What do you think?”

He’s more than aware that there are a lot of unresolved things between the two of them—but that doesn’t change the fact that what Mirin wants, he can’t provide her with anymore. His silence is indicative enough that she can’t get her way no matter what she does. But in the face of someone she’s wanted her whole life, in the face of the only person she’s ever truly been genuine with in this lifetime, she finds that she can’t just accept that.

“You can’t tell me that I mean nothing to you,” Mirin murmurs, and it’s so quiet that Sae wonders if he was even meant to hear it.

On a normal day, Sae would feel sorry for her. They used to be a pair of lovebirds who planned out nearly their whole life together a long time ago. But she lost that right, she lost his sympathy the moment she started being exactly like her mother and trying to tamper with your life.

But maybe his hostility wasn’t a good way to deal with her, looking at all the backlash she’s caused, so Sae tries a different approach this time, even if he’s not particularly in the mood to be nice to her after all the trouble she’s caused.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” It’s partly true. Even if he didn’t do anything in particular, he imagines it must’ve been a shock to her when she came back to Japan and the guy who had claimed to want to wait for her had suddenly been married off. (But he wasn’t sorry for throwing her invitation away—to a certain extent, he felt that you didn’t deserve your future husband having such a distraction in the crowd. At the time.)

“Sae, I know you still love me, I know we can work this out, okay? Just give it a shot. Leave her and we can—”

“I can’t do that,” Sae cuts in, sighing because this is the few times in his life that his inability to express himself has led to inconveniences of this magnitude.

“Why? Whatever she or your parents have on you I’ll—”

“No, Mirin, I can’t because I love her,” Sae says, looking Mirin in the eyes and breaking her heart all over again. But he’d do anything for you, and right now all he wants is to go back to you. He wants to be with you and hear your cute laugh and tease you because you’re all he can ever think about nowadays. “I’m sorry but… I love my wife, and I’m not going to leave her, or let anything happen to her.”

Maybe it’s the absolute vulnerability that she can hear in his voice that makes her believe it. Sae doesn’t say things like that so easily, and maybe it’s the way she can see his eyes tearing up that she can tell it’s genuine no matter how much she doesn’t want it to be. He’s worried and in love and feeling overwhelmed. But Mirin’s not in the right state of mind and she fights back instead of admitting defeat.

“What about promising you’d wait for me, huh? What happened to that?”

By now, Mirin’s airing all her grievances, and Sae understands that enough to let it slide.

“I did, but we grew apart, didn’t we? You dated other guys, refused to try with me while I was still…” He avoids saying it.

“All the things we said we’d do together once we could finally have time to ourselves! Travelling, raising pets, picking out a house and going furniture shopping together, building a family because ours sucked,” she’s sobbing and Sae has to ignore the stares they’re getting from the few people that pass by.

“I still want that—”

“Then why—”

“With my wife.” He emphasises on this, and he’ll repeat it as many times as he needs to. “With Y/N. Her, and no one else.”

It’s his absolute indifference towards Mirin that jars her, because in this world, he was the only one she could count on, and now even that was gone. And right now, all she feels is hatred for you, for the one who stole him from right under her nose.

“Even if I tell you I’ll raze her whole family to the ground?” Mirin threatens with a scowl, igniting the combativeness inside of him.

Sae scoffs, shaking his head in disappointment. Nothing is going to get through to her. Not like this. He stuffs his hands in his pocket, “you can try, but I’ll be right there defending her with everything I got.”

Those teal eyes that used to look at her softly than they had anything else, his soft locks that she could once twirl her fingers through—they now belonged to you. They belong to you and they’re slipping away from her as Sae deigns to say any sort of goodbye, instead just walking off in silence as he tries to get back to you.

Ignoring Mirin’s cries of his name and the threats she’s hurling, he tries to call your phone but you’re not picking up—and that’s enough to make him run.

You’re not in the apartment, and some of your things are gone and since when did he even start to take notice of small little things like your favourite face towel that hangs on the side of the sink or your trusty furry headband that you liked to use hung beside the mirror? Those small little things are missing and for once, Sae’s afraid.

“Come on, pick up pick up,” Sae mutters under his breath as he drives around the neighbourhood, hoping he’d catch you somewhere. He ignores the string of calls he gets from Karasu, only to call him back when he gets a text: oi, pick up, idiot. your wife just booked a room here, you guys ok?

Thank god for coincidences like this or else Sae would’ve spent the entire time you were away wallowing in agony (silently).

It’s easy enough to find you after that, his feet running the most it has in a while—his ankles hurt and his knees feel weak, especially where they’re injured, but you’re worth every injury he has to make. And his heart does somersaults when he finally lays eyes on you, but then it plummets to the ground when he hears the word divorce.

Minutes later you’re running away from him, and he chases after you again—he’ll chase you however long he has to because this is all one big misunderstanding and he has to clear it up because he needs you in his life. Right now and forever. Just like he vowed to you on your wedding day.

The entire night has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and it was naive of Sae to think it was done because the next thing he knows, he sees Mirin throw a half-empty cup of yoghurt at you (along with her vile insults), and your face is absolutely dazed.

Shit. This is all his fault and he’s really, really sorry to you.

WHERE WE LEFT OFF

The walk back to your hotel suite is deafeningly silent.

Subtle lavender fills your noses as you enter the hotel lobby, though you can’t get the smell of greek yoghurt out of your nostrils.

You wonder where Karasu took Mirin to.

Not that you care about her. You just want to make sure you don’t see her. If you do, you might actually slap her.

You’re not sure if you want to try and fight her lawyers. Not sure if you want to give her reason to lord over you. At least, not as much as she did you.

When you enter the lift, you realise that Sae’s been unrelentingly close to you. His arms always brush against yours because he won’t leave so much as a gap between the two of you. Like he wants to catch you if you run.

Not in the creepy way, though. Not to you.

His hair is still slightly matted to his face; must’ve been the result of chasing after you. You’re a little perplexed, and you’re a little strict with yourself—you can’t back down later when you’re questioning him, and you have to remind yourself of this.

Because this marriage isn’t surviving another day if you don’t understand their… relationship.

Surely you’re not just being completely illiterate, right?

From what you’d been told, Sae and Mirin were each other’s first loves. That isn’t what you’re pressed about though, because he could so easily think the same about you and Reo, if the roles were reversed. What you are still pressed about is whether Sae’s intentions still hold true: is he still waiting for her? For the right time to be with her?

His earlier confession still repeats itself in your head. It could just as easily be a complete lie. You don’t want to hold onto it for fear of being disappointed.

Sae had been waiting for Mirin before the arranged marriage thwarted his plans. He had refused to give you any sort of acknowledgement as his actual wife until, well, your honeymoon, you guess. And even then, you still saw Mirin talking to him. Even then, he had to make suspicious calls in the night.

The worst part is when you saw her happily posting in your house. In the apartment where it’s supposed to be for you and your husband yet your husband and his former lover were in there when you were out working.

The moment you enter the suite, you toss his coat on top of one of the chairs and retreat to the bathroom, more than eager to change out of your Mirin-stained clothes.

Your husband’s waiting awkwardly outside the bathroom door by the time you get out, hands in his pockets, sheepishly averting his gaze as though he has the right to be the one acting nervous right now.

He takes a seat beside you on the bed, although you want nothing more than to just have time to yourself right now. On Sae’s part, he’s usually an advocate for this. He would’ve let you be alone any other time but right now. Because he feels that if he lets you, he’d lose you.

And this is selfishness in a way he hasn’t experienced and he doesn’t know why but he knows that he needs you with him.

“How many times?”

Sae finds himself stumped at your question. Your voice is quivering, but you’re trying to stand your ground. “Of what?”

For a change, you’re the one with the firm, demanding voice and he’s the one sounding meek. But for all your hostility, you still let him hold your hand. It makes Sae want to hold onto hope.

“How many times have you cheated on me?”

“What?”

He’s anticipated many things from you, many questions about his history and why you saw him the way you did earlier that night, but consider him stumped when he heard the words fly out of your mouth.

Cheating?

Have you been in agony over such a question all this time?

And suddenly he feels an overwhelming amount of guilt wash over him. Sure, he’s known that he would be bad at these things, at communicating when it’s not a sport, at understanding your feelings, at being a damn husband in a marriage that he initially loathed. But he didn’t know it would be this bad, that he would’ve made you feel this insecure.

Right now, you’re seething, and rightfully so because he must’ve done so many things wrong to make you think that way, to make you feel so sure of it too.

You’re still waiting for an answer, fists clenched at your side, the familiar mirth in your expression that Sae’s grown used to is tucked away safely in a place you don’t want him to reach.

“Well? Tell me, because I don’t want a marriage where I’m constantly a second choice. How many times have you—”

“I didn’t, I swear.”

The words come out of him in a hurry; there’s a flurry of emotions inside him, mainly one of fear—since when did he become afraid to lose you? It wasn’t something he was consciously aware of and yet it’s surfacing right now. He doesn’t want you to think that way anymore, that he’d do anything behind your back that would far disgrace your status as his wife.

It takes you a while to collect your thoughts, because Sae can see your shoulders relaxing, your fists unclenching. Your brows are furrowed, and he knows it’s because you’re afraid to just trust him. With good reason.

“How can I believe that?”

Your voice has lost its earlier edge, and now all that remains is the fragments of your hope—hope that somehow you can make it through this. Together.

Sae takes a step forward, daring to pull you into his arms, his mind filled with just you you you. Like it has been for a bulk of the time recently.

“I’ll tell you what you wanna know, anything.” He’s aware it doesn’t come close to the damages done, but he’ll try. He’ll try for the rest of his life if he has to.

“Everything. Tell me everything.”

And everything it was.

Sae answered everything you wanted him to, no holds barred. Mostly it was everything about Mirin, because that’s what’s been bugging you the most. And it was a lot. Somehow, you believe him, every single word.

He was stupid for keeping it to himself, yes. But you kept Reo and that picture to yourself too, and maybe you can understand why he had initially been afraid to say anything.

You’re both sitting on the bed, facing each other, Sae’s voice nearly cracking from all the talking he’s been doing. His hand slowly reaches out to yours, the tension in his shoulders letting go when your fingers grasp onto his. Can he take that to mean you don’t completely hate him?

“I’m really, really sorry,” Sae says, softly, gazing at the mattress because he still doesn’t even know if he deserves your acceptance. “I really do love you, Y/N, and I don’t want a…” divorce.

Is it because you’re too nice that you already want to forgive him? It’s all just a domino effect that got way too big. Still, you can’t make this a habit, so you stand your ground.

“I just… I want this to be a marriage where we can be open and completely honest with one another,” you say, lost in your thoughts, knowing that you’re not completely innocent yourself, and ashamed even more to know that Sae had known about the misleading picture of you and Reo all along yet choosing to trust you wholeheartedly anyway. “But I think there’s a lot of work we both need to do.”

Sae takes it hopefully. “Then we’ll do it, together,” he tells you, and it’s hard not to smile at how genuine he’s being.

But before either of you can say much else, there’s a quiet knock at the door.

“I’ll get it,” Sae offers, walking to the door and sighing once he looks through the peephole. He’s ready to ignore until the knocks come again. Opening the door, he sees a slightly timid Mirin. “We don’t have anything else to say to each other.”

Mirin doesn’t even look at him, just gazes past him at nothing. “I didn’t come to talk to you,” she says, before her gaze lands on you. “I came here to talk to her.”

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kamwilliamsonn · 1 year

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Stars - Caroline Graham Hansen

Dating Caro wasn't always easy, especially when you played in another country

Your girlfriend, Caro, was your favourite person, there was never any doubt in it, but it wasn't easy, with you playing for Chelsea, and her for Barcelona, you didn't see each other as much as you both would wish.

Which is why Champions League nights were your favourite.

You knew that one of you would end up ruining the others dream at the end of this game, one would continue on, and one would go home.

But that didn't matter, you knew that at the end of the game, you were going back to her house.

Win or lose.

She was your love, your life.

It was no surprise when the plane landed and the Barça player was there to greet you.

"Oh, y/n invited an enemy!" Sam shouted with a teasing grin, your national teammate always taking a chance to annoy you.

You just rolled your eyes at the brunette. "Shut up, Sammy, not everything is about football."

A gasp echoed around your teammates, one you knew wasn't real, causing you to shake your head and run towards your girl.

Her arms opened wide as you jumped into them, your legs wrapping around her waist as her arms supported you.

Your head fell comfortably into the crook of her neck, "Jeg har savnet deg, min kjære." "I've missed you, my love." She mumbles out, putting you down, only to place soft kisses all over your face.

"I've missed you too, so much. Facetime doesn't show the real you. I've missed your face," you started, cupping her face in your hands as she pulled away to look you in the eyes. "I've missed your eyes," you gazed softly into her blue eyes, having completely missed the way they could make you feel like you were floating out at sea. They'd trap you, and you never wanted them to stop. "But God, I've missed your kisses." You pulled her into a passionate kiss, her hands going to hold your waist and pull you in tighter, while your hands moved from her face, into her hair.

It's the hollers from your teammates that cause you both to pull away, but you don't leave her grip. Her arms stay tight around your waist as you spun around in her grip.

Her head rests in the crook of your neck, leaving kisses on the soft part of your neck as your teammates come to join you.

Caro had been the only person to score in the home leg against your beloved blues, a game that was only 4 days earlier, but the way Caro was holding you, would make anybody think it could've been a year.

"God you two are disgustingly cute." Erin said, her accent so strong, Caro couldn't fully understand what she said, but the way you rolled your eyes told her it was teasing.

"You're just jealous you aren't in a relationship, Ez." You told her, making Caro smile and put her head back against your neck to try and hide it.

"Okay, we have to get back to the hotel now, my love, but I'll see you later.." You started, being interrupted by Emma.

She smiled as she got closer to the pair of you. "You can head back to her house, if you'd like, you know that when you're in the same city as Caroline, you don't sit still."

Your girlfriend begins to laugh at you, her face still hidden.

"You shut up." You told her, warningly, making her nod instantly and Sam start laughing instead. A glare from you shut her up as well.

"Okay, so, back to mine, and then I drop you off at the stadium tomorrow." She whispered to you, making you look back at her with a nod, your eyes full of love.

"Okay, my girls, I will see you all tomorrow." You told your teammates as you started to walk backwards, as if the teasing wouldn't happen if you slowly retreat.

That clearly didn't work.

"Don't forget that you're not allowed to do anything before a game!"

"SHUT UP, MILLIE."

After she dropped you both off at the stadium the next day, you didn't fully get a chance to talk to each other, there was a whole lot of media, and training, and then it was warm ups, and the game.

But that didn't mean you weren't sneaking looks at each other, you stared at her with pure love in her eyes as she did her interview, while waiting for your own.

She kept looking at you while you were doing your warm up, and you linked hands with a soft smile while lining up for kick off.

But no words were exchanged, not until the 73' minute the score was 2-1 on aggregate, Guro had scored Chelsea's first goal of the game in the 67' minute, but you were still fishing for that equaliser.

You had the ball at your feet, and you were running, you wanted that goal, and you didn't want to stop for nothing.

But, you don't always get everything you want.

Mapi came in from the side, a tackle that sent you rolling over her, she got the ball, and luckily didn't clip your ankle, but, the way your head hit the floor left it pounding.

You held your head in your hands as you rolled onto your front, you rested it against the floor, trying to make the pain stop.

The whistle was blown instantly, and Mapi was back at your side, apologising over and over again. But that didn't matter when Caro ran over, she was on the other side of the pitch, but the moment she saw you go down, she ran.

She shoved Mapi out of the way, and had it been anybody else, Mapi would have shoved her back, but the way that you cried and held your head made her think she deserved it.

"Hello, my love, can you lift your head for me." She told you as the medics arrived, knowing that you were more likely to do so for her then anybody else.

As you looked up, you almost started crying more, unable to see the girl you loved so much, you couldn't make out her face.

"Hey, come on, don't cry." She told you, being careful as she held your face, the medic checking your pupils.

"That's definitely a concussion. She's going to have fo be subbed off." Your medic spoke, making you cry even more.

"I just wanted to score, Caro, I just wanted to score, I don't wanna be subbed off, I wanna score." You told her. "And I can't see your face. I wanna see your face."

All you were seeing was stars.

But all you wanted to see was your star.

She ran straight over to Jona the moment you were brought off and told him to sub her off or she was gonna get herself a red card so she was forced off.

Claudia came on in her place, and she legged if to the changing rooms. Wanting nothing else but to be there with you.

With her girl.

BOOM, ASKED AND WRITTEN. I actually really liked this, and I think it's brilliant. I hope that you (especially you @wosofie ) enjoyed :))

#woso imagine #woso x reader #woso #woso imagines #woso community #auswnt #sam kerr #caro graham hansen #caroline graham hansen #barcelona femeni #barcelona #mapi leon #caroline graham hansen x reader #caro x reader #football #kamden writes

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littlemissaddict · 1 year

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Santa's Lap (18+) - Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Summary: A trip to visit Santa doesn't go as planned so Eddie makes it up to her in the parking lot ⚠️ smut

Word Count: 1742

"I don't get why you're so disappointed that you got turned away" Eddie mumbled as she shuffled along next to him with her head down and shoulders slumped as she moaned.

"So I can't be excited about Christmas, about Santa because I know he's not real but the magic and excitement of this time of year is" she shot back, frustrated that Eddie was agreeing with the elves that she was too old to meet Santa.

"No I just don't get why you were so excited to sit on his lap" he replied with a roll of his eyes, as he reached forward to take a hold of her. The movement stops her in her tracks and she easily lets him pull her back into his body, his lips at her ear as he whispers teasingly, “Why sit on Santa’s lap when you can sit on mine?”

She can’t help the shiver that runs through her body as his words or the feeling of his lips gently brushing over the shell of her ear before they move down her neck where she can feel them pull up into a smirk. She hates how easy he can play her body especially as she was supposed to be annoyed with him and she hates that he knows it and uses it against her.

“Eddie stop” she breathes, though even she’s not convinced by her words and it’s not until she opens her eyes again and remembers where they are, that people are watching them that she finds the strength to finally pull away from him. “Stop people are watching” she scolds softly but links her hand with his as she pulls him along, away from other shoppers and the line for the fake santa that had caused all this in the first place.

“Where are we going?” Eddie asks, a little confused to where he was being dragged along to.

“To your van so you can finish what you started” she replies simply, weaving in and out of crowds of people until she finally reaches the door to the parking lot, easily locating Eddie’s van and climbing into the back and pulling him in along with her.

“You sure you're going to be able to stay quiet?” he asks, amused at the determination on her face as he sits with his back against the back of the seats and guides her to sit in his lap.

“Are you?” she challenges, shifting her hips and rubbing down against the growing bulge in his pants. A soft moan leaves her lips at the action but she knows it’s nowhere near loud enough to be heard outside the van, though it still doesn’t stop the smirk that makes its way back onto his face. Wanting to wipe the smirk off his face she drops her head into the crook of his neck and presses kisses to the skin while she grinds her hips down onto his.

“I know what you’re doing sweetheart and it’s not going to work” he chuckles and though his words sound sure, the hands gripping her hips tighten their hold so she pushes him further, adding teeth to her kisses as she sucks and bites on his neck. It finally pulls a sound from him and even causes him to buck his hips up to meet her movements. “Now you’re in for it sweetheart” he chuckles, stopping the movements of her hips and undoing the button of her jeans, instructing her to stand so that they can get them off and then tapping her ass when she doesn’t move quick enough for him.

“Hey” she swats at his hands as she pulls her jeans down while encouraging him to get his own jeans off which he does but only enough to pull his cock free.

“Now get your pretty ass back down here” he laughs, reaching out his hands and pulling her down until she’s back on his lap, “You ready?” he asks, running the tip of his cock through her pussy, chuckling when she whines his name when he slowly pushes in, letting her slide onto him at her own pace until he’s fully inside her.

She begins to tilt her hips against him again, only this time with him buried inside her and reaching places he wasn’t before, it causes her to bite her lips to stop any sounds escaping that would let anyone passing by know just exactly what they’re doing. Considering it would be classed as public indecency it was in their best interests but knowing Eddie she should have known he’d try and push the limits and he does, dropping his head to her neck and letting his mouth work over the skin. He’s sloppy and wet with his kisses, unrelenting when he adds his teeth, determined to leave marks on her skin but when he reaches her ear it’s the dirty talk that makes her lose it.

“So needy for me princess that you couldn’t even wait for us to get home, you just had to have me in the back of the van” he’s breathless as he talks, the way she’s riding him was affecting him as well but that wasn’t going to stop him from making her feel good, “look at you, everyone thinks you’re so innocent when really you’re just a dirty little girl aren’t you, I mean taking my cock in public when anyone could find us, not something a good girl would do is it?”

The resounding moan she lets out echoes against the walls of the van and she knows that there is no way anyone passing wouldn’t have heard it. She whines his name, clenching around him but it only makes him chuckles, “Aw my dirty little girl is getting close huh, keep going, keep riding me just like that” he encourages, thrusting his hips up best he can in this position to help her along to her finish. She moans again, her hold on him tightening and he knows she’s not going to last much longer so he pulls out the big guns, sliding a hand from her waist and between their bodies until he finds her clit, rubbing circles over it as he slowly increase the pressure on it until her body tenses against him and he knows what's about to happen. “Come on princess, cum for me” he pleads as her body shakes, her eyes rolling back and her mouth opens in a silent scream as she cums.

Taking his hand from between them so as not to overstimulate her he places it back on her hip and he helps guide her as she comes down. Her body spent as she collapses against him, gasping for breath and it takes her a couple of minutes until she’s recovered enough to support her own body again, “You know, you were right” she chuckles, still a little breathless and he looks at her curiously, forgetting for a second that he’s still hard inside her as he waits for her to elaborate, “who needs Santa’s lap when I have yours” she smiles coyly which makes Eddie laugh, though it’s cut short when she lifts her body off him and he groans at the feeling of his cock sliding out of her.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you high and dry” she giggles, seeing the look in his eyes before she positions her body so that she’s nestled between his legs with her face inches from his cock. Slowly, she takes him in her hand and brings his tip to her mouth, looking up at him as she parts her lips and takes the tip into her mouth. Groaning at the taste of herself coating him as she hollows her cheeks and lets her hand slide up and down the length of him making him groan. His hands move to fist her hair as she works and he fights the urge to push her further down but when she moves her tongue over that sensitive part just under the head, he feels his vision go white as he cums without warning. His teeth biting his bottom lip as he tries his hardest not to be too loud as she works him through it.

With half lidded eyes he gazes down at her, watching as she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand to get rid of the remaining spit and cum that coats her lips. “Remind me to get you this worked up everytime we’re out” he smirks as he pulls her up so that they’re face to face again before leaning forwards to kiss her, not bothered about the fact that she’s just had his cum in her mouth.

A banging on the back door of the van pulls them out of the kiss and their wide eyes meet each other as Eddie mumbles out curse words. He’s quick to help her up, following behind her as he tugs his jeans up his legs, throwing her a panicked look as he realises that she’s struggling to get her own jeans back on, knowing the longer they took the more suspicious they were going to look.

Finally when she was fully dressed, Eddie opened one of the doors to find one of the mall security guards standing there with an unimpressed look on his face, “We’ve had some complaints of strange noises coming from this van, is everything okay?” he asked and Eddie was quick to nod, not wanting to speak and somehow get them in trouble as he usually did for himself, “Just for future reference this is not the spot for a rendezvous so I’m going to kindly ask you to leave and we’ll leave it at that” the guard spoke giving Eddie a pointed look.

“Yes sir” Eddie saluted as the guard turned to walk away. Once the door shut he turned back to her with wide eyes that matched her own and they both burst out laughing at the ridiculous situation they’d gotten themselves into, “he totally knew what we were up to” he said between laughs.

“Let’s just be thankful he’s giving us a pass this time” she said, shaking her head in disbelief that they somehow weren’t in trouble, “but let’s do as he asked and get out of here” she added and Eddie agreed, ushering her to the front of the van so that they could do just that.

#littlemissaddicts blurbmass 2022 #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x reader smut #eddie munson smut #eddie muson oneshot #eddie munson drabble #eddie munson #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things

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donnerpartyofone · 10 months

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When I read the Marie Kondo book, I was struck by her remark that people who cannot keep their dwellings tidy have often lacked a strong sense of ownership in their lives, of their own places and possessions. This made perfect sense to me; I mean to some degree she's talking about people whose parents always cleaned up after them, which is certainly not my case, but it's definitely true that I have never had a well-developed sense of anything being mine. Even when I was little I was intensely aware that all material things were just breaking down and slipping through my fingers, and maybe I shouldn't get too attached to anything because the heartbreak would kill me. Also I never felt like a real authority in my own life, as if my only importance was relative to other people (specifically, whether I was annoying or inconveniencing or even disgusting someone like, say, my mother). Also the world simply seemed overwhelming and like a place where I would never have authorial power of any kind.

Keeping my room clean was a relentless and unresolved problem until I finally left home for college. In college (a place I really didn't belong) I was neat to the degree that I didn't want to offend my roommates, although I sometimes had roommates who were just as depressed and disorganized as I was, then I was really out of hand. When things got seriously bad for me mentally, I took a semester off in Portland, Maine. There I kept my room like a monk's cell, sweeping the floor every day, making my bed, and generally showing a lot of respect for my surroundings. I loved Portland and although I didn't live alone, it often felt like I did, and I also didn't have any real friends, which may have given me a rare feeling of sovereignty that resulted in my increased organization and cleanliness. When my family visited, they expressed so much astonishment at the state of things that it made me feel embarrassed and angry. It's not great to be told so emphatically that no one can even imagine you taking care of anything, and that it seems like some sort of absurd miracle when you do.

I was pretty messy again when I moved to New York City. Renting crummy apartments all the time doesn't really inspire feelings of respectful stewardship, although I did vacillate between extreme disorder and urgent cleaning episodes. I had never imagined myself in NYC, but I didn't know what else to do with myself besides move in with my dad for a while and try to figure things out. At least I hadn't gone home to my grimy, weird upstate home town, somewhere I never quite belonged; of course I'm marked deeply by the place just because I grew up there, but even among friends I could never really be myself without people assuming I was "just kidding" or something. Some people were very upset that I drifted off on my own, even years later, which I could find complimentary, but the message I got was that I must have thought I was too good for the town and everyone in it and so I went to "live my dreams" in the big city, which is really not a fair or accurate description of what happened to me at all. I never developed a feeling of patriotism for my home, and I also never felt patriotic about New York City; it was just easier for me to be there, at least in some dimensions.

A guy I'll call my ex-boyfriend for convenience, even though it's not a very good description of the relationship (one of my best friends in high school who I tried, disastrously, to date during college before we inevitably drifted apart), was always passionate about our home. I think when you have had a reasonably happy childhood and your teenage years were an exciting daily adventure, then it's easy to love where you grew up. I recently saw a Facebook post from him describing a big civic event (festival? with maybe a political angle?) with the most profound affection for all of the townsfolk, it was beautiful to see the place through his eyes for a moment even though I never experienced what he felt the whole time I lived there. On the other hand, I still keep in touch with one like-minded friend from high school, and although she also moved away she often sends me news items from our home about, like, bullies we used to know who became local politicians and are now in hot water for corruption, or like the major crisis that struck when a gigantic murder of crows came to roost and painted the entire town in bird shit for months on end (I actually don't even know whether this is over or not). Now THAT'S the place I know.

One day I was saying something to my father about my chronic sense of placelessness, and he said, "I know, you'd probably be happy just living in a bucket." I had repeated this to the ex-boyfriend, and he laughed out loud and made a physical gesture that suggested me coiled up in the bottom of a bucket like a snake, glaring up defensively. STAY OUT OF MY BUCKET! I just remembered this and repeated it to my husband, who also laughed out loud at the accuracy of this assessment. It's nice to feel understood, to know that multiple generations of men in my life automatically understand my bucket-dwelling quality.

My husband also moved to the city after school, and he is immensely proud of his many years in Brooklyn. He has a big map of the borough covering one thigh. He knows lots of different neighborhoods well, votes religiously, respects the older generations of our neighbors, cares what happens to the people here. I admire his depth of feeling, even though I can only relate to the part about respecting your surroundings and the people who were there first. The only time I was struck with a powerful sense of belonging was when we moved in together on the border of Red Hook, and began to explore that neighborhood. Red Hook is unusual because it is inaccessible by subway, which is surely part of why it has such a distinct personality. It's basically a tough, gritty little port town, shady and overgrown, with an extremely diverse population that intermingles working class families with rugged artist types. The first time I ever saw it, I was taking a bus at night to some other unfamiliar part of town, and I could see into the open doors of bars and restaurants on the main drag; it looked so beautiful to me, like some forgotten little burgh somewhere that could not possibly have been part of Brooklyn. I probably knew right then, more than a decade ago, that I wanted to live there. When my husband and I moved in next door (around ten years ago in April), I'll never forget the first day we decided to explore the place. We found ourselves sitting in a bar converted from an old bait shop (I once saw someone reach into the mouth of a mounted bass and pull out a cigarette; he explained that it was like a take-a-penny leave-a-penny community thing, and "You never know what brand you're gonna get!") that was covered from floor to ceiling in taxidermy and obscene tchotchkes. I remember sitting by the window staring out at the dusty main drag and passively thinking, "I'm home. I belong here." We eventually had our wedding reception there, having been given brilliant advice on where to have it by the owner of that same bar.

I know that part of the reason I like it so much is that it does actually remind me of my home town, which is extremely perverse of me. The grit, the pleasant shabbiness, the mix of blue collar stoicism and starving artist-ness. It's all so familiar, and sometimes you can become attached to things that are familiar even if they are not connected originally to happiness. They're part of what you know, what you're an expert of, what made you into yourself. I would never move back home (I just told my husband that if I had to for some dire reason I would immediately turn into a scary witch on the outskirts of town), I don't think it was a "great place to grow up" based on my own experience, but now that I have the distance I appreciate it in some way, a way I can only call "perverse". Apparently it has begun to turn into a chic, arty getaway for NYC expats, and every time I run into someone in the city who explains to me how "cool" the place is, I want to turn inside out. It's untrue! Becoming "cool" to those people is the least cool thing that could possibly happen to it! Suddenly I want to rush to its defense and shout down all these accusations of boho hepness. If you think that town is "cool" you're wrong, and you don't belong there, and you should STAY THE FUCK OUT. (I mean don't actually stay out, I'm sure you're great for the local economy, but you're still WRONG)

Anyway. Finally Red Hook is about to become my home for-real. Ever since we signed the lease, it has been calling to me, I want to go there every day even though I don't have anything to do and I'll soon be there all the time. I think I'll live pretty differently once I'm there, with my newfound feeling of ownership. Now I just have to figure out where I can get one of the bumper stickers that we saw the first time we visited, at the famous key lime pie place that was covered in signs and stickers featuring ornery slogans such as:

WELCOME TO RED HOOK

YOU MADE IT. NOW--GIT!

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theharddeck · 3 months

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I would die for some ⭐ directors (writers) commentary on some part of your love is the love I need. please?? 🥺💗

-@hangmanssunnies

of course, angel!! we'll go with chapter 2, when Cross forgets to let Coyote know that she made it okay and he panics and comes to her apartment to check in on her-- this one got kinda long so under the cut!

send me a ⭐ for director’s commentary on a fic of mine

“Wrong apartment,” you called, hoping they’d realize their mistake soon. “Cross, come on, open up.” You froze, recognizing that voice.

Okay what I love here is that Javy isn't messing around. he is WORRIED about his girl and writing this i could feel his anxiety. golden retriever, easy going, smile-like-sunshine Javy is almost snapped here bc he is worried and like doesn't that just make your heart flutter?? when a calm guy gets worried, it makes you feel so cared for, and protected, and like you matter so much to them, and i love it.

...You shoved your arms into the shirt as you struggled into some pajama shorts on your way to the door. “What are you doing here?” you asked before the door was opened, and even then, only wide enough for your head to poke through. Javy was leaning against the door frame, arms braced on either side of it, and you noticed his shoulders relaxed a bit when he saw you.

I'm such a slut for a door lean. But here, Javy's bracing himself is just another tell of his anxiety; he's literally bracing himself to stay calm. I love how clearly Javy is telegraphing that he's worried about her. And he had to see her to believe it! He's heard her call out to him/he knows she's in there, but I love that we get to see that he neeeds to reassure himself with the sight of her. I think that's really important for Cross, too, since she's all in her head about what's real and what isn't.

“You’re okay?” he asked, his eyes running over you, seemingly scanning for some nonexistent injury. “What?” you blinked. “Yeah, I’m fine, what…” All at once, you remembered the promise you’d made to his mother, and your phone charging in the other room, and how long it’d been since you’d gotten into the car at Balboa. You looked up at Javy, clocking the relief and stress warring in his expression.

he's!!! so!! worried!!! two-word sentences aren't normally his speed, but he's on one-track right now, and just needs that reassurance. I love how intent he is, how he needs contextual, visual, and spoken confirmation that she's okay.

“I’m sorry,” you said, your nose wrinkling. “I just got carried away with stuff and—” “Is that my shirt?” Javy interrupted you, and you looked down. It was his shirt. You’d grabbed it out of the tumbled load in the dryer, which you now remembered was one of the last dogfight football loads.

I wrote this scene, and it still makes me squeal lol. I love that what final jolts Javy out of his protective frame of mind is his possessive side?? like he's so out of his normal character with worry, then his brain resets when he sees his girl in his clothes lol it's darling.

I also love this insight into Cross' character, that she'd just casually do laundry for the rest of the team? i like this act of service moment she has, and we can really see how hard she's trying to get along with the rest of the team.

“It was the first one I grabbed,” you said, quickly. Javy didn’t say anything, but his hands did drop from the door so he could cross them across his chest. And he was smirking, damn it, something that should be annoying or at least not attractive, but it was, and it made you want to stomp your foot.

smug!!! javy!!! fuck me gently with a chainsaw, ya know?? if that man ever smirked at me, I'd evaporate on the spot. stupid greg tarzan davis, being seventy different kinds of perfect. i love that now that he's moved from protective, to possessive, to smug, we see the side of him we're familiar with re-emerging. confident, handsome, pleased Javy. god i love him.

#misskielanswers

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carlosfruitsnacks · 2 years

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Hello! Can I request jealous carlos x reader headcanons?

Jealous! Carlos Madrigal x Reader Headcanons

summary:

— Some headcanons of what will it be like to have a jealous lover named Carlos Madrigal

genre:

— headcanons

notes:

— gender-neutral reader.

warning/s:

— none

a/n:

— I really think Carlos is the jealous type like c'moooon

When Carlos began to woo and court you, his ability to get envious isn't obvious yet. He's aloof to other people besides you, that's when you know you mean a lot to him. Later, after some dating, you two formed a relationship

However, if you're in a room filled with other people, especially if some of them are flirtatious, get ready for Carlos to seethe and glare at everyone else.

Like if someone looked at you for under five seconds he's starting to think of ways to dispose of a human body LMFAO

Carlos "I'm not jealous, I'm only protecting what's mine" Madrigal

Sure, at first it's adorable because mans just want to have you for himself. He's just like a cat that would claw and hiss other people who would try to take its toy away. But if he was feeling tested, his jealousy would progress

Bro I'm talking about he won't let you out of his sight, ever. Even if it's just a quick second. Carlos would make sure he has his eyes on you, he'd even go and grab your hand and pull you close.

Now, if someone had the balls to flirt with you, there would be two ways how Carlos would react. It's either he'd cuss that someone out and scare them away with intimidation or threats, or he'll pull off a petty stunt like pull you close or let you sit on his lap while that someone is staring or he'll snake a hand around your waist and kiss your earlobe as he would glare at them.

Carlos can get jealous to the point that his shapeshifting gets out of control because he's too frustrated.

Sometimes his jealousy would get out of hand and annoy you in some way. Carlos would restrict you from being on your own in a crowded room and not giving you some space

If you decide to confront him about his envious tendencies, Carlos would be quick to deny it despite the blatant evidence.

[Angsty] Carlos would be too prideful to admit his fault and then start a sudden argument like "I wouldn't be like this if you didn't flirt back at them, [Name]". You'll call him out and he'll get angry. It could result in a nasty fight which would result in you two cooling down for a bit

Carlos won't realize the hurtful things he said to you during the quarrel until you start to avoid him. Of course, bb would try to make it up to you in various ways, he won't stop until he wins you back

Once both of you in good terms, he'll say something about learning how to control his jealousy little by little. He won't promise that it will be completely gone but he'll try to slowly calm it down.

There are moments when a jealous Carlos can be hilarious. Like, you would mess with him by not giving him attention while you're doing work/chores, and he'd turn into a complete cat and would try to mess with your belongings or push an object off the table just to get your attention lmao

Speaking of attention, my boy thrives from your attention only. It's like oxygen and if you don't give him it for less than a minute, he'll get all dramatic and say he can't breathe or sum LMFAO.

HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR HIS CLOTHES!!11!!. Like it could be his ruana or a shirt. Carlos would lend you the perfect spare clothing and insists you keep it. So, when you happened to wear his borrowed clothes in public, it gives him the reassurance that you're showing off who you belonged.

I feel like other than lending his clothes, Carlos would love matching jewelry. Maybe a necklace so he can show it off to other people like the smug mf that he is. To him it's kinda like a watered-down version of an engagement/wedding ring, who knows, he might give you the real one someday ;)

During dates, it wouldn't be easy for Carlos to avoid getting envious. He'll try to get boastful and overprotective, but both of you know that he's just afraid that he'll lose you HUHUHUHUHU

But definitely, you'll reassure him a million times that you won't leave him and that you love him dearly :,)

So, Carlos invites you over for dinner with his family, and oh boy when I tell you as soon as you meet eyes with Camilo, he goes goblin mode lmfaooooo

Camilo would try to mess with him and flirt with you, for instance, like giving you a kiss on the hand. Carlos would immediately clench his fist and prepared to throw his hands

Throughout dinner, Carlos keeps a close eye on Camilo, the latter is incredibly entertained seeing Carlos get so jealous in a span of seconds. Carlos would act petty and 'accidentally' spill food or drinks over his brother. Sooner, a fight breaks out between the two, causing chaos.

The twin's quarrel only stopped when you sighed and grabbed your boyfriend by his ear and dragged him away. You'll pull him to the side and patch any of the available wounds on him, Carlos would try to push you away but you won't let him until he gives in.

The shapeshifter would apologize for his behavior and you'll forgive him by drowning him with hugs and kisses. After all, you'll love Carlos just the same despite his jealous nature <3333

taglist: @pochi-moochika , @cahmilo , @vanevafu , @irisia-ckzkb1109 , @elegantkidfansoul , @candykamikun , @justzei , @try-cry-why-try , @nanaisheretomessupthings , @eichenhouseproperty ...join here

masterlist

#encanto #disney encanto #encanto headcanons #carlos madrigal #carlos my beloved #carlos madrigal my beloved #carlos madrigal x reader #carlos madrigal x y/n #carlos madrigal headcanon #carlos x you #carlos x y/n #carlos x reader #jay's headcanons™️

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autumn-foxfire · 9 months

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something I actually hate in zhongchi fic is when the authors keep writing that he’s feeling guilty about what he did in liyue and/or he’s angry with zhongli for de deception. He clearly doesn’t regret his actions and would definitely do it all again and he doesn’t care about zhongli lying to him. It’s like they didn’t read any of his texts or didn’t pay attention to the liyue story. He’s not a cinnamon roll as everyone likes to say. They claim he is their favorite character or that they kin him but the version they are refering is so twisted and unreal.

This is why I read tartali fanfiction /j

For real though, I hate this trope in tartali/zhongchi fiction regardless. I once saw someone's summery being "I'm going to keep Childe mad at Zhongli because other fics let him off from what he did too easily" and I'm like "BRO? WHAT FICS ARE YOU READING AS LITERALLY EVERYONE MAKES ZHONGLI OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY WHO NEEDS TO BEG FOR CHILDE'S FORGIVENESS".

I actually read a fic recently that handled an after confrontation with Zhongli and Childe perfectly. They still had Childe being upset as he was used, however he and Zhongli talked and Zhongli explained all he could about his contract and how it was never personal. Then, when Childe points out he never directly apologised to Childe during his explanation, Zhongli returns it with how he has never apologised for what he did to Liyue. Neither of them ended up apologising, you know why?

BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAD THEIR OWN AGENDERS THAT THEY WOULD FOLLOW THROUGH WITH NO MATTER WHAT AND WOULD BOTH UNDERSTAND WHY THE OTHER DID SO.

Childe was originally upset that he was used as he doesn't like to be involved in the schemes of other Harbingers. But he said himself that all he needs from Zhongli is that fight that he was robbed from. And then Zhongli's voicelines confirm that they are still friends.

The woobifying of Childe is something I despise in fandom. I hate that I got into another fandom and what happened to one of my favourites (Dabi) back then is happening AGAIN with another favourite of mine.

Yes, Childe is relatable and easy to project on. Did he get angry at Zhongli and Signora? Yes. However he is not an overly emotional wreck who was completely and utterly ruined by Zhongli telling him who he was, at most he was annoyed he was robbed of a fight and his pride got hurt.

The irony of this situation though, which I've said so many times I might as well be blue in the face from it, is that CHILDE USED ZHONGLI TOO! He very openly used him to get close to the exuvia, he was just honest about it.

Meanwhile, Zhongli could literally not say anything because HE WAS UNDER CONTRACT AND BY THE ARCHONS HOW DARE THE GOD OF CONTRACTS OBEY HIS CONTRACT.

Yeah, yeah, it's transformative fiction and people can write what they want and how they want but I just don't want my favourite characters watered down anymore.

I get it, we like to give Zhongli a closer relationship with Childe than just friends, I've done it too, I've enjoyed fics that do this as well, but does it get frustrating to see Childe treated as an innocent little bean while Zhongli has to drown in guilt because how dare he lie to him!

LOL it reminds me of a viral tweet I saw on twitter about the new Superman cartoon/anime where Lois gets mad that Clark never told her he was Superman and the QRTs were just people wondering why Lois deserved to know a secret of Clark's that he wasn't comfortable sharing with her just yet? Ironically this is the same situation with Zhongli and Childe, where Childe wasn't owed any knowledge of Zhongli's other identity but this time people think he was entitled to it, even though Childe was an active threat towards that identity and was honest about being so.

My favourite thing these stories do is have Childe say "I would have forsaken my mission" or something along those lines and that just isn't Childe. Childe didn't particularly want to drown the harbor but he did so for his mission, he didn't mind attacking the traveler, who he saw as his friend, for his mission, what makes you think he wouldn't have shoved his hand straight in Zhongli's chest if he knew the truth?

He probably wouldn't have LIKED doing it, but he would have. Because he's loyal to a point and a man that never goes back on his vows and promises.

It's why I love Childe, he's such a complicated and messy character who has done terrible things, he plays by his own rules and that means even going against his own morals to do so. I do like exploring him being mad at Zhongli (again I've done so myself) but we can do so without making him the victim because he was FAR FROM IT.

I love exploring the mess that is Zhongli and his relationship, I love the drama and the angst but I also love how perfect they fit together once they get over those hurdles.

I just hate the one-sided anger from the fandom towards Zhongli for no reason.

Urgh, sorry for the long rant. I bottle up this frustration all the time so when people give me the chance to let loose, I really let loose.

#genshin impact #fandom #fandom critical

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limeade-l3sbian · 1 year

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This is a controversial very anti feminist opinion of mine, but it genuinely pisses me off lately when I see women disparage their own features online, for example in tiktoks and in tweets. It’s not that I don’t get how they have become insecure or what it feels like. I’m very familiar. But I feel tired of all the self degradation that’s just become the norm. I’m tired of people themselves feeding into it. I’m tired of them spreading their insecurities. Im tired of seeing girls and young women in the replies say “oh i didn’t know this was a bad feature.. now i’m self conscious too”. Spreading hate about yourself eventually hits people who look similar or share even just one similarity. And seeing these types of posts get 100k+ likes and everyone having a sob fest about how unfortunate and “ugly” they are, makes me nauseous atp. I used to feel bad but now I’m just fed up. And people do it irl too. Go to therapy, get a diary, do anything productive instead of constantly sucking the energy out of the room or online place you are. Your looks don’t make you an eyesore, your self pity does.

Regardless of how unpopular it may be received, I agree with you 100%.

I think what annoys me is both ends of this spectrum. You have the women who really do believe this, to which I suggest that a life of pursuits in things other than appearance heavy ones will greatly buffer this constant desire to look perfect and "presentable". I still have body issues myself, but I'm not nearly as deep in them as I was in high school when I had too much time on my hands to worry about things like that. I'm not saying "get a job then you'll see how much it doesn't matter!" but also...kinda?

But not just work. Hobbies. Socializing with friends (FRIENDS). These things engage your dopamine so much I PROMISE YOU how you look will take a backseat. Because I know exactly what videos you're talking about. I see them all the time and roll my eyes harder than I could possibly express in a gif.

But then you have the other end. Women who know what they're doing. Making up new insecurities that they themselves likely don't even really concern themselves with. Rather, they're complaint about only having "naturally half curled eyelashes" (idk if that's real i just made it up) is meant to prompt ass kissing comments that say "you think you have it bad..?" and "no! you're so gorgeous!". That is if they're not trying to sell some useless product to help you sate this newfound insecurity.

I'll be the first to defend and give the benefit of the doubt to women. But the ones who abuse this new climate of female empowerment piss me off to no end. I retain far more pity for teenage girls because that is a hard fucking time in terms of self image. But for grown women in those comments who, like you say, are like "now i have a new insecurity." I'm sorry, but if it was that easy? You were either looking for something new to add to your proud list of why you're "so ugly" or you are far too vulnerable to be using the internet for anything social media related.

#ask

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revvethasmythh · 10 months

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Tary and/or Scanlan for the ask meme. To cover all our bases with Sam PCs, haha

I was wondering if I was going to be able to cover all of Sam's PCs with this lmao! Seeing as I do have a reputation to uphold re: sam's PCs, I will do them both

Tary:

First impression

Baby. Beloved. Pompous jackass whomst I love the most. True love at first sight and I am not kidding

Impression now

Baby. beloved. Pathetic pompous jackass I adore (I never stopped loving him, I have only grown to love him more)

Favorite moment

It is hard to choose between ALL of his bits in Jugs and Rods or the Grog and Tary shopping adventure in Vasselheim. Critical Role has TONS of funny moments and there is stuff in every campaign that has really gotten to me--but nothing like this. My abs ached the next day, I was fully weeping real fucking tears over this. I am laughing just thinking about it as I am typing. Fucking iconic.

Idea for a story

I have never considered a story with Tary specifically, but you know I'd love a story that explored Tary getting back together with Lawrence and how that aspect of their love story played out! I feel like that could be a very fun romance piece.

Unpopular opinion

Genuinely an incredible character, not as a joke, not for the bit. I mean, Tary is hilarious, yes. But I don't think Sam gets enough credit for how GOOD Tary was beyond the bit. He's a top tier character and deserves more credit from the fandom for it.

Favorite relationship

I'll split this one with Percy and Vex. Tary ends up being such good friends with both of them and his friendship with Vex is something I find particularly endearing (another Sam + Laura dynamic coming through golden) and then you add the layer of Tary's close friendship and unrequited pining for Percy into the mix....that whole dynamic of the three of them is great.

Favorite headcanon

I should really just delete this question because I never have headcanons to add. Idk. I don't really do head canons.

Scanlan:

First impression

Thought he was kind of gross and too sexually forward, ngl

Impression now

Probably my favorite of Vox Machina, not counting Tary. I don't know, he really grew on me. I think Scanlan circles around similar themes that all of Sam's PCs do, which is why I tend to gravitate toward them, you know? The eternal struggle of wanting to appear okay for your friends because you can't or won't invite the vulnerability of being honest about how you're struggling, only to hit a breaking point and lose it because no one has noticed your pain (because you have hidden it)? All the inherent complications and contradictions of that sort of thinking? Feels very realistic and relatable, for me, at least.

Favorite moment

It's so easy to choose The Bard's Lament for this. WHAT an incredible dramatic character move. Unparalleled, dramatic, complex, and it added so much to Scanlan's character and the dynamic with the group, forcing VM to sit with some things (and to get angry at him! Because he was unfair too!). I loved that shit, I ate it up.

But also, Scanlan's return to VM and trying to Modify Memory on Vex only to whiff it and her just hugging him. I fucking love that, too.

Idea for a story

You know, the thing is, this question is tickling some kind of memory of mine that I had actually planned to write something about Scanlan/Pikelan and I just cannot remember what on earth it was going to be. I can't even think of anything else, I'm just annoyed I can't remember what I was going to do, now

Unpopular opinion

I don't think Scanlan blowing up at VM and saying unfair things to them makes him a bad person or selfish or [insert whatever other thing here]. I think he was unwell, and had some valid reasons to be upset, and spoke in anger in a very human moment wherein neither party was entirely wrong or right. People apply judgement to that scene a lot, I think because it's very emotionally jarring, it's aggressive and unexpected and it prompts strong feeling because of that, but I don't think there's any judgment to be applied. VM was wrong about some things, Scanlan was wrong about some things. A big bundle of tragically human conflict, honestly, which is why it's fantastic.

Favorite relationship

Probably Grog. I love that whole corner of VM (Grog and his gnomes) and all their dynamics, but you can really feel such a camaraderie and care between these two that I love. Also Vex (that Sam + Laura dynamic always hits, I suppose)

#character ask meme #asks #ask games #thanks for the ask!#anon

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dr-spencer-reids-queen · 2 years

Text

Legacy: Final Part

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.5k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated

"I'm not sure if he's really okay with this, or he's sure we're wrong and wants to see us embarrass ourselves," Hotch gossips.

There are not many officers, to begin with, so you're standing in front of everyone in no time.

"We're going to provide a psychological profile of the man we're looking for. It contains some unusual, specific personality traits that someone out there is bound to recognize, which will make him relatively easy to locate. He'll leave a long-lasting, negative impression on anyone he might meet."

"We have a term for the killing behavior this unsub displays--cleaning house--fixing what's wrong with the world," Derek says.

"He's deeply rationalized this behavior, and while he certainly knows the killing is wrong, he truly believes that he's doing the world a great service."

"Ultimately, this type of unsub becomes a loner," you sigh. "There will not be too many people that can still tolerate him. Now, if he does have a relationship at all, the person will not be his equal. It'll be someone subservient to him."

"He'll be fastidious, tending toward obsessive-compulsive disorder, and he'll have an overwhelming sense of indignation towards the things that he's judged to be wrong. He wouldn't even consider the reasons why someone might disagree with him."

"He sounds like a real jackass," one of the officers scoff.

"Exactly. Class-A scumbag," Derek agrees.

"Detective McGee started noticing the disappearances a year ago. The unsub probably had a stressor at this time--the death of a family member or someone who had some semblance of control over him. Right now, no one has control over him."

"It's probable that he isn't currently working after this many victims, and the devolution that it brings a job just wouldn't leave him time to practice his true calling."

"Which is what?" Al asks.

"A predator, a killing machine. By now, it's become all he thinks about."

It's late enough as it is, but you still go out with your team to the streets to talk to other homeless people in case they know you're talking about. You're paired off in groups of two: You, Hannah, and Spencer, Emily and Derek, JJ and Al, Hotch by himself, and Gideon and Cal.

Every single person you talked to had eyes for Spencer. Mostly the prostitutes were all over Spencer, touching his tie and removing it from the inside of his vest. He was a little uncomfortable with the attention, so you had to step in and make sure they knew he was yours. Though, that didn't seem to stop some of them when they suggested they were into threesomes.

You'll have to come back to his kinks later, but you're a little annoyed with how they're treating him. It's clear you two are dating, but it's like they don't see that. Hannah was learning more about her abilities, using them to determine if a homeless person was safe to be around or not. Everyone kind of left her alone since you and Spencer were there to protect her, but she did get a few stares from others. After an hour of asking around and not getting anywhere, your team decides to meet back up to discuss what they found.

"Don't be too jealous, Y/N. I didn't want them," Spencer says. "It's cute though."

You stop walking and turn to him, grasping his tie that kept getting tugged by the women. You fix it by tucking it back underneath his vest and tightening it by his neck.

"You're mine."

"I know," he smiles.

You smooth down his clothes and head back to the group. Everyone is here minus Gideon and Cal. They must still be talking to people.

"How'd you guys do?" Hotch asks you and Spencer.

"Well, Spencer here got propositioned by every prostitute we talked to, but we didn't find anybody who thinks they'd seen the unsub."

"Same story with us," Derek says.

"I saw Gideon and McGee a block back. They hadn't had any luck, either."

"It's odd. If the unsub were out here, he'd stand out. You know, people would recognize the description."

"So, where does that leave us?" Emily asks.

"Right where I thought we were," Al scoffs. "You said this guy would definitely be memorable. You were adamant. So, if no one out there remembers him, according to you, he doesn't exist."

"That's not exactly what we said, but--"

"It's what you implied," he cuts off JJ.

"What do you think happened to them, Captain?"

"I told you, I don't think anything happened to them."

"Oh, that's right. You think they all got houses and jobs," Hotch argues.

"Okay, all this means is we have another piece of the puzzle here. Someone got over sixty street-smart people out of here and no one noticed," you say, trying to calm everyone down.

"It's almost like he blended in," Spencer comments.

"Have you thought about the possibility that it's more than one person doing this?" Hannah asks.

Everyone turns to look at her, and you blush in embarrassment, but it's quickly diminished.

"Excuse me?" Al asks.

"She's right. Think about it. If we profiled this guy that he doesn't play well with others and to stand out, then he's obviously not the one who is grabbing people. Like you said, people would recognize the man. He has to have someone, a submissive, take people without getting noticed. That's the person who is blending in. No one would recognize this submissive figure. How many times did we think it was one unsub and it turned out to be two?"

"She's got a point," Derek has your back.

"We need to think of this as a killing team. That changes how we approach these people. He's here all the time."

"Like social services," Derek says. He's not looking at the group, but at a homeless woman that stopped to talk to someone in a van. "Captain Wright. Does your social services department patrol around?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do they drive around in the middle of the night looking for people to help?"

"No. They have to be called, and then--"

Derek takes off running to the woman and the van without another word.

"Morgan!" Hotch yells.

You have no choice but to follow after him. Before the older woman can step into the van, Derek calls out her name to stop her.

"Mona! Mona, wait a minute! Do not get in that van! What are you doing? I thought you didn't need any help."

"He's gonna drive me to the park."

"Hey, how's it going, my man?" Derek asks the driver who is scared shitless.

"I should go."

"Slow down. What's your hurry?"

"I got a lot of work. I should go."

"Sir, do you have a city employee ID?" Al asks.

"Look, I really don't have time for this."

"Yes, you do. ID, please."

Without warning, the man steps on the gas to get away, but Derek is quick to jump into action. There is a reason why he's doing this, and you know he knows that this is the one part of the two part killing team. Derek reaches inside the car and grabs the wheel, turning it so that it crashes into a fence. The motion sweeps him off his feet, but when it's clear the man isn't going anywhere, he lets go and rips the door open. You grab Hannah and pull her into you to keep her out of the danger.

"Out of the truck! Out of the truck! Get out here!"

"Alright, alright! Don't hurt me! Just... don't hurt me," the man whimpers as Derek throws him against the side of the van.

This man is terrified, and you have a feeling you know exactly why.

The man known as Steven Foster is inside the interrogation room panicking, muttering to himself that everything is going to be fine and that it wasn't his fault. He might be practicing what he's going to say when he finally faces his partner.

"I can feel how scared he is," Hannah comments.

"Yeah, he's terrified," you observe from outside the room.

"Of us?"

"Of the unsub. Hotch, I think it's best if I go in there. He's filled with anxiety."

"Yeah, good idea," Hotch nods.

"Garcia couldn't find much on this guy at all. No employment records, no tax records, no credit cards, and no bank accounts. The van is registered to a paper corporation out of the Cayman Islands. Other than having a valid driver's license, Steven Foster has no paper trail," Derek explains.

"My guess is he's devoted his entire life to helping the unsub. Unsub takes care of everything for him. In return, Steven provides fresh victims."

"So how do you know there's another guy?" Al wonders.

"Does he look like he could cleanly pull off sixty-three murders?" you ask.

"So, if he's his accomplice, why is he so afraid of the guy?"

"Steven's the only person in the world truly aware of what the unsub is capable of."

"The only one still alive," Hotch corrects Derek.

"Sadism and torture invariably get worse with every victim. That's why this was so important. We couldn't take the chance that it wasn't happening."

"That's him?" Cal asks, entering the room.

"He's not the unsub," you shake your head.

"W-who is he?"

"The only relationship the unsub has left in the world. His only friend."

"Did you want me to publicize the arrest, put some pressure on the unsub?" JJ asks.

"No, he might run."

"Okay, so, uh, how we gonna find him, then?" Cal asks.

"Steven's gonna tell us where he is," you say.

"Okay, let's go," Cal says, heading to the door.

"Actually, I'm going to head in there alone."

"What?"

"Trust me, it's best if she goes in alone," Hotch has your back.

"Stay here, Hannah. Just stay with Spencer."

She doesn't argue with you and stays next to Spencer the whole time. You take a deep breath and enter the room, causing Steven to shoot out of his chair in false anger.

"Well, finally! You took your damn time, didn't you? What the hell am I doin' here, anyways? I didn't do nothin'. I mean, what's the charges? Do you even have any? What did I do, offer to help an old lady get a--get to a park? Is that even illegal? I don't think so. I should be getting some kind of award instead of sitting in here waiting for you to decide to talk to me."

It's best to let him talk and dig himself a deeper hole, so you stand there and let him run his mouth until he feels like he's done.

"I know you're gonna charge me with that wreck, right, crashing into that car? That was the other cop's fault, the black guy? He jumped into my van. He caused me to--it was his fault. It-it wasn't me. It was--there were witnesses, you know."

"Sit down, Mr. Foster," you finally say.

He does as he's told, a look of pure fear on his face.

"Steven, I understand what you're going through, okay? I know you're scared, and I know you're scared of him. That's why I know you're going to give me an address, and you're going to tell me how to get inside without raising suspicion. I know you're going to do all of this because he's never been nice to you."

At your words, he grows sad.

"You're never good enough for him, are you? He constantly insults you and belittles you. He makes you feel worthless and ugly and stupid. You hate him, Steven, don't you?" He doesn't have to answer because you can see the truth in his eyes. "And you know why I know you're going to tell me all of this? It's because you screwed up."

"He told you that your paramount concern was not to attract the attention of the authorities, and you know the punishment will be severe. Nobody knows better than you what he can do to people. I've spent a long time studying monsters like your friend, and I can promise you... he's gonna do things to you that even you can't imagine."

"I can't," he whimpers emotionally. "My family has always worked for his family. It's all I know. His father died last year and left everything to him--all the money, all the... He-he's the last one. He-he changed after. He's different. He's... meaner. He's gonna hurt me so bad."

"He won't, Steven, because we're going to stop him. You won't ever have to feel the pain he causes you ever again. All you have to do is come clean and tell us where he is."

"Holcombe. His--his name is Charles Holcombe. He owns the old meatpacking plant."

With a location and a name, you can apprehend Charles before he has a chance to hurt anyone else. With Steven's directions, your team was able to get inside the plant without alerting Charles. Hannah shouldn't be here, but you're keeping her off to the side to keep her out of the way. He was in the place where they used to slaughter the animals, and you can see as you round the corner that he is about to kill a young woman who is crying but drugged up.

You're about to follow when you noticed Hannah staring down the hall. You pause and turn to see two people there, but you know they're not alive. She sees them too, and she knows they are dead.

"Who are they?" she asks.

"They're spirits of people who have died here. There are almost a hundred of them here. Most of them moved on, but ones like them have stayed behind because they needed someone like us to help them find justice."

At the mention of the word justice, both people mist away in front of your eyes.

"This is so sad," Hannah whispers.

"Come on."

You gently lead her back to the group where Charles is already on the ground with blood spurting out of his mouth. Emily rushes over to the woman to make sure she is okay. It looks like she has cuts on her feet and cuts on her head, but you know she will be okay.

"It's okay, It's okay. Look at me. You're alright. It's over."

"The face," the woman cries.

"You've got some cuts, but you're gonna be okay."

"No. I want to see his face," she whimpers.

"Morgan."

Derek leans down and removes the mask over Charles' face so that the woman can see his face clearly.

"I won," she laughs and cries.

"There's an ambulance outside. You're going to be okay."

"Can you have someone check on my baby? My mom's babysitting her, and I didn't get home last night."

"We'll take care of it."

"Thank you," she sighs, relaxing knowing she is going to be safe.

By the time you get home, you're not as tired as you thought you were going to be. This wasn't a tiring case at all, but Hannah did look like she was going to pass out at any moment. Spencer wanted to spend the night at his own place, so you dropped him off before heading home. You walk Hannah to her bedroom and watch as she slides into bed.

"I hope you learned something about your abilities that you can use on your own."

"I did. Thanks to you," she yawns.

"It's not going to be easy, Hannah, but just know I here if you have any other questions. Get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay. Goodnight mom," she mutters.

You don't say anything back to her as you close her door gently behind you.

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles." - Charles Chaplin

wanna be tagged? add yourself to this document! if your tag has a strike through it or it’s not linked, it means doesn’t work. find out why!

@averyhotchner @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel @fan-girl-97 @inkstainedwritergirl @estrela-rogers @kwbaby24 @redsalv20 @joonie-centric @xs @sixpencespencee @boygenius-reid @meganskane @prophecyflame @babydee17 @darlingisntit @fandoms4ever97 @spencerreid-187 @snakeythesnake @nomajdetective @scarletstarrs @hc-geralt-23 @fairytalesforever @werewolfbanshee-love @bluetreecloud20 @lucyysthings @slightlyvicked @zephyrmonkey

#legacy #series rewrite #criminal minds series rewrite #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #cm #cm fic #cm fanfiction #cm fanfic

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felawnie · 1 year

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I am still very very tiffed that zombie dungeon spawners will spawn villager zombies on bedrock and not on java. I am. So tiffed. How dare they. I was SO HOPING for zombie villagers. Anyway that half of why I never posted an update on my challenge world, @ageblue . The other half of the reason is, after that week of sulking, I just...kept forgetting.

No screenshots cause the ones in the folder don’t look right? Did I accidentally delete them? I don’t know. If I repeat anything, OH WELL. Anyway. I got my enchanting table. I’m thinking about suspending the enchanting area from the farming platform. Iron chains would be ideal but I don’t actually like mining(another reason I wanted VILLAGERS AUGH) so it’ll be hard to make myself buckle down and do it. Especially with the horrible caves. I’ll need an anvil too. I guess. I want the platform to be, like, black. I wish I could make a way up that was invisible but I don’t know how. :/ Make a fucking parkour route...(i suck at parkour lol)

*sigh* The fucking llamas. THE FUCKING LLAMAS. After a bunch of trials and tribulations which involved makeshift pens, accidentally digging into my hovel, finding out that llamas fall through 1 block openings when on a lead(into my hovel), more makeshift pens, frantic fence misplacing, and then tiredly shoving llamas along, I got the llamas separated from the wandering trader and in a pen. A week later, I saw a video wherein the person just got the llamas in a boat and the fucking leads popped right off. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- *muffles self and continues*

The wandering trader then did a bunch of longing staring and wandering about the pen, as if to find a way in. Then he briefly went for a swim. I was...concerned.

Anyway, the llamas. I tamed them and bred them. Yay! The baby grew up. Yay! I tried to breed the llamas again and it didn’t seem to take. Whatever, I’ll figure it out. I come back, there’s only two llamas. I am confused and assume the original llamas, for some reason, are still despawning despite the taming. After all, babies are born tamed so how else could one be gone? I quickly breed the two I have, thinking that at least I’ll still have the two once the other og llama poofs. Later, I have two llamas again. Alrighty, should be fine now. I breed them. And later. I have two llamas. Again. *deep breath*

Wandering trader llamas, even if tamed, will produce untamed babies. About 5 minutes after they grow up, they will despawn. There was a lot of blank staring at the screen while figuring out what to do, and plan designing and implementing plans and finding out the plans didn’t work and more plan designing and finally settling on a truly annoying setup but I’m not sure what else I could have done. Also AAAAAA THE FUCKING CARAVANS CAN YOU BASTARDS JUST NOT???

I just thought of a potential way but I do not want to have to set that up ALL OVER AGAIN so WHATEVER.

On the bright side I had a fun time describing the situation to my mother(because I don’t know ANYONE WHO PLAYS MINECRAFT IN REAL LIFE(i mean i suppose i know the kids at the minecraft program at the library that i used to run but, uh, no thanks)) and watching her grow more and more dismayed as I explained every problem with my attempts and her suggestions, leaving me with only this hilarious inefficient setup. Yes, Mother, FEEL MY PAIN.

So what have I ended up with? I have 4(6?) pairs of llamas, each in separate small pens so they’re easy to feed(did you know that, contrary to the wiki, llamas(or at least trader llamas) will absolutely keep eating hay bales even when they’re at full health and can’t breed? ahahahahahahaha). There is a fence gate, covered with a fence post so I can put the baby on a lead. I then have to DRAG THE BABY away from their parents while they desperately try to get back to them. I have to wrangle them into another pen. Did you know you can only have 3 leads active at one time? SO helpful. I have to get the other babies into the pen while making sure no others manage to escape. (see, because to feed the adults I have to have a block to get on so I don’t feed the same bastard several times, there’s a way back into the parent’s pen and THE BABES KNOW IT) Then /I/ have to get out of the pen without the others escaping. At the start of this I had to set a fucking timer for when they grow up, because otherwise they will despawn before I get what I want(which at this point is another couple pairs because the agony of wrangling the first two from this setup wasn’t enough, I guess). Once I get the other pairs I want, that’s it. I’ll only get like 8 llamas every 10 minutes(assuming i am right on top of things which YOU SHOULD NEVER ASSUME) but I just. There is no mass creating of llamas here.

Finally, after finishing everything, I remembered a thought I’d had while setting up my wheat/tree limiting platform. “Man, this might be too big a wheat field. I certainly don’t need 4 fields worth...Oh wait! Llamas need hay bales to breed and I’ll need them for books! And since I’ll just breed the lot of them til I have a bunch and then kill most of them, I’ll need a lot of hay bales. This won’t be too big at all!” *hysterical laughter*

I just thought for a moment that I could try breeding the newly grown llamas real quick and then kill them(all in 5 minutes!) for quicker leather production but you have to tame them to breed them, don’t you... *sigh* That would be way too stressful for me.

Anyway I hate MC llamas now. Going on a research check afterwards and finding out about the villager zombies DIDN’T HELP. Oh my GOSH it didn’t. I’m so fucking sour about that. I was so mad I went back to a 1.16 world, lmao. At least THERE I can have VILLAGERS and not fall into STUPID PITS. Have I used them for anything? ...No...but at least I COULD.

#deep dark biome challenge #i'm not tagging minecraft or mineblr or whatever #bc if someone comes over here to tell me something i've 'done wrong'...#look i'm too young for the blood pressure spike that would cause ok #shhhh #this is a long fucking post

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t-inbound · 1 year

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Um,, hello,-

I was reading your work on Ao3 recently (Two becomes Five) and one exact idea can't get out of my mind. I wanted to see Lamber comforting Aym so badly (maybe making him a flower crown or just comforting him in a way a sibling would do). This may or may not be related to the work itself, it's just a little thought of mine

(Thank you for your works, they're amazing<3)

Firstly thank you for your prompt, it was really nice and it gave me ideas for the future stuff I want to add to TBF (Two Becomes Five) Also I am sorry if I took a little long to post, I wanted it to be good and needed to spend time on it to make sure it was. Unfortunately my uni and the bus system had other plans.

Anyhow Feel free to ask more stuff like this, I really like writing on this stuff. This goes for all of my readers by the way, if you have a prompt you can just post it. You don’t have to be shy, I am willing to listen. Warnings: Blood, swearing WC: 2083 Rating: T+

Paper Crown

His bleeding arm wasn’t really a problem. Really it was not even a real wound in comparison to what he used to go through. Still it hurt like oblivion and made him wanna go back there and kick those drunkards in the ribs one more time.

He sighed as he realized this was just not his day. How had he even gotten himself into this mess in the first place? He recounted all the stuff that led to this moment. He was doing his ‘thing’ until he heard a glass shatter down in the street and a woman crying, so far simple. Then he dropped down onto the alleyway to see what was going on, still simple. Then he was trying to fight off a bunch of drunkards without trying to squash them both into paste, all the while keeping his identity a secret. because apparently killing followers was not really seen as the right thing to do, even when the said followers were tormenting some poor woman. Now it was not so simple.

He sighed as he jumped below a building. A small gasp escaped him as he felt the glass in his arm rattle from the drop. He looked back on the spot who was refusing to patch up even with his body healing the wound.

‘’Fuck’’ the curse escaped him as he realized maybe it wasn’t as simple of a wound as he thought it was. Another careful look told him that indeed, he was somewhat in deep shit. Not deep enough to drown in but just enough to sink in it up the ankle. The wound refused to close due to the shard of glass which was too deep in his arm for him to pick up without tweezers.

He now had two options. He could either go out to the temple which was now half an hour away, all the while bleeding off slowly or he could go back to the relatively close home of the ewe he had to call master. In the end it was a close decision. He would have to go back to the house.

He needed to see exactly where he was before he could go anywhere however. So he looked around for higher ground. There it was, a two story building just to his left. Without giving it too much thought he jumped up. Just to realize maybe he should have, as he screwed up his footing and almost fell all the way down. By some miracle his arm caught the side of the building at the last moment stopping him from falling.

After a heave he got himself properly up to realize maybe falling would have been a better idea as he realized the arm he used still casually had a glass shard embedded in it and was now bleeding even harder. A groan left his mouth as he looked around. He was close he could tell, it should be right around the corner.

Looking around some more he finally spotted what he was looking for, the house of the ewe. It was a small building nestled between two roads, not exactly a pinnacle of architecture by any means, but really any refuge at this point would be good enough.

It was not easy navigating himself to the window he usually used for entry, his arm was really doing its best to annoy him today. Eventually though he got to the window and opened it with a tug.

He let out a sigh of relief as he entered the building, the lamb would be asleep by this point as for his brother he would just ignore him… hopefully. He still hasn't explained to him what he was doing when he was off on his own and wasn’t really planning on it either.

Before he could enact his plan of somehow getting rid of the shard and letting his magic heal him, a little lamplight sparked into life. After a moment he could see the holder of the said lamp was Lambert herself.

He couldn’t tell what made that moment awkward, it wasn’t like he didn’t enter the home at such an hour all the time this was more or less modus operandi. Then again he didn’t usually bleed profusely onto the ground most of the time so that might have had a hand in what happened next.

She sighed as she closed her book before setting it on the arm of the couch/bed. ‘’So… how was your night?’’

Aym blinked as he took in the question. ‘’The usual’’ As soon as those words escaped him, she started to laugh. It was not really a happy laugh as much as it was a strained one. A momentary shame took hold of him as her face returned back to a neutral one.

She looked to his arm as she pulled her legs to herself. Taking it as his invitation Aym took the side of the couch now unoccupied. Sitting uncomfortably as he tried to rub at his arm again.

They sat there in silence with only the soothing sound of the flame within the lamp keeping them company. She sighed again ‘’So, were you planning on sneaking in and bleeding to dead or were you planning on telling me?’’

And here it was, the ridicule. Another groan escaped him as he readied himself for whatever she had planned on jabbing him with, alongside ‘what were you thinking?’ or ‘what were you even doing out there?’ questions. but the ridicule nor the questions never came as she just left. Taking the lamp with her.

For a second he couldn’t believe what was happening. Did she really just leave? He sat there thinking maybe he could just be left alone for once before the lamb came back with a small chest.

She made her way back to her spot and set the lamp to her side. He couldn’t tell what she was doing before she opened the little box. Taking a tweezer from within, she looked at him expectedly before offering her hand.

He blinked before a frown took over his face ‘’I don’t need your help Lambert, I assure you I can take care of myself’’

She in return just rolled her eyes ‘’I figured, big black holy cat could probably survive even more’’ she turned to her side, after a sigh she continued ‘’Just didn’t want you leave you alone’’

It took him a second to let the words sink in, for a moment he wanted to just tell her to leave him alone or just get his brother if she really wanted to help him… But he didn’t. Instead he gave her his arm.

There was a look of shock on the lamb’s face before she nodded. The tweezers entering his wound didn’t hurt him much, really it was not as painful as what those drunkards would be going through in the morning.

It wasn’t long before she took out all the shards off his arm, carefully putting each of them over on a readied cloth. The bandage she used wasn’t really great, he was sure it had been used before just to be cleaned, but it looked clean enough. Besides he wouldn’t need it anyway, now with the shards gone it would be a minute before it healed.

When she finished she turned her gaze to him, two eyes illuminated by the fire, looking intently at him. he sighed ‘’No’’

She looked confused for a moment, tilting her head quizzically.

He sighed again, this time with a touch of frustration ‘’No, I won’t explain how I got them in there’’

She just shrugged ‘’I figured’’ she snorted before adding ‘’everyone has their secrets don’t they?’’

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two as they sat across. One that stretched over for what felt like hours.

A part of him wanted to talk to her, explain to her what he went through today. He couldn’t really tell for what reason however, it wasn't like they were friends. She was just his temporary master for the time. On top of that It wasn’t like he needed someone to vent to, he was fine just pushing these aside. ‘Though it would be nice’ he thought, to have someone to talk to other than his brother.

Before he was too lost in thought he looked over to her, to see her bending paper? He raised a brow as he looked at what she was doing closer. It was strange, she was bending the paper into a shape and then doing it some other way. Why was she even doing this? What was the point?

Somehow sensing his confusion she answered him ‘’It’s called origami’’ after one more bend she revealed a paper crown ‘’A friend once showed me how to make them’’ There was a smile on her lips as she said it.

He blinked before tilting his head quizzically. Before he could say anything however she reached out to him and placed the crown on his head. For a moment he looked at her dumbfounded as he couldn’t form any words. The crown just sat on his head as she withdrew to her side.

The smile on her lips grew as she no doubt was amused by his reaction. But for some reason instead of getting angry at the indignation, a smile formed in his lips too. It took them both a second before they both started to laugh. Unlike the last time her laugh was more cheery and felt more natural. As for him, his laughter wasn't as bright as her's but it didn't seem like it stopped her from laughing alongside him.

It took them a moment before they both calmed down enough, both looking at each other now with smiles of their own.

After calming down for a second he sighed. This was going to ruin the moment somewhat, but it somehow felt fine in that moment. ‘’I fought off a bunch of drunkards from harassing a lady’’ He pointed at his arm. ‘’This was their parting gift’’ There was a moment of relief that blossomed inside him as he got that out of his chest. It was a small thing that didn’t even really explain his nightly outings, just what happened to him today. However it felt nice to get it out his chest for once rather than sweeping it aside.

She for her part just listened to him without the ridicule his brother usually gave him. After a moment she just smiled ‘’Well, did you at least kick their asses?’’

He let out another laughter ‘’Bet your wooly butt, lambchops. None of those bozos will be doing that again’’ And there it was, another laughter from her. ‘How can someone have such a kind laugh and laugh more often?’ He thought for a second, well maybe she just didn’t have much reason to do so. Before he could let that feeling blossom he felt himself wrapped around by two arms.

He didn’t fight the arms, but nor did he answer in kind. Though he couldn’t stop one of his hands on stopping on her head to ruffle her wool. They stayed that way for a minute, neither side uttering a word as the flame that kept them company continued on. Time passed ever so slowly, but it felt comforting at that moment rather than awkward like the silence before.

Eventually she let go of him to look at him, there was still no contempt within those eyes, just acceptance and worry. Swallowing the guilt he continued to meet her eyes. He could understand her even without a word spoken.

He sighed ‘’I will be more careful’’ after a moment he added ‘’I promise’’

A smile formed in her lips again that stayed even when he moved away from the couch, now fully up he moved back to the window. He needed to go back to his ‘thing’. She didn’t stop her, she just looked on as he climbed out the window.

Before he left completely, without turning back he said ‘’Thanks Lambert’’ He didn’t know whether he thanked her for the medical aid or just comforting him. He didn’t really care either way, he also doubted she did either.

Now fully outside he took off the crown. It was a simple thing made of paper, but it was made well and with reason. He stashed it in his cloak before he went back into the night.

#Cotl #Cult of the lamb #Lambert #Lamb #Aym #Writing #Prompt

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fruit-teeth · 1 year

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I had a bit of a breakthrough tonight while I was sobbing in my room and I feel compelled to share it for some reason so here I go

Lately I’ve been dealing a lot with trust issues. Specifically: I’m socially anxious and I have very few irl friends (and online friends for that matter, I’m socially anxious on here too), but a big part of that is that I tend to instantly assume that people either a) don’t like me, b) like me at first, but then realize I’m annoying and decide to stop talking to me or c) will end up hurting me in some way if I get too close to them. These fears of mine are, as I’ve come to realize, a reflection of things that actually did occur during my life.

I had a friend who I thought of as my best friend for many, many years, only to have her randomly stop talking to me and join a completely different friend group. The last time I saw her, she barely said hello to me and acted like I was just an acquaintance. That encounter upset me so badly that I remember hiding in the bathroom and trying not to cry because I was so heartbroken. Even though it’s been years since then (this happened my senior year of high school and I’m an adult now), it led to a spiral of shame, anger, and resentment that eventually led to me deciding I would never call someone my best friend again. Not only that, but that same year, I had my high school graduation party, and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that NONE, and I mean NONE of my friends or really even any of my classmates showed up. I felt extremely betrayed by this, even more so when one those friends expected me to show up to HER party (allegedly she’d had to cover a shift for a coworker at her job at the last minute, which is why she didn’t show, but I still doubt the validity of this). These weren’t the only instances, make no mistake - I’ve had other friends that mocked my interests, and even one that turned out to be a straight-up bully towards me. She made fun of me for liking My Little Pony, and there was even a horrifying moment where she mockingly imitated one of my stims as a way of ‘teasing’ me. High school was tough on its own, but a bad system of friends made it even harder than it ever needed to be.

It’s been years since then, sure, but this has really destroyed my confidence when it’s come to making and keeping friends. I worry constantly if maybe my old friends thought I was annoying and that’s why I was so easy to cast aside like nothing, so now when I get into new friendships, I hide my true personality because I’m terrified they’ll see the real me and think it’s annoying or weird. At the same time, though, when someone is being nice to me and genuinely wants to hang out with me, I always think to myself “this has to be a trap or something, this is too good to be true”. I have a very small circle of friends now, both online and in person, but even with those friends I worry that when they see me or think about me they think to themselves “oh god not Mara again”. This leads to me being very distant, which also causes these friendships to dissipate sometimes. Social interaction is already confusing sometimes thanks to being autistic, but it’s made even worse thanks to the history I have with making and keeping friends.

I started thinking over these things today and remembering all the pain, the anger, everything, and I started feeling really hopeless. I started to feel like I was going to be alone forever, because I couldn’t trust anyone to not secretly hate me or leave me when I wasn’t convenient for them anymore. But it was during this that I suddenly remembered a comment my dad had made a couple years ago: “you don’t remember every time you ate a decent apple, but you certainly remember the times you bit into rotten ones”.

And…yeah. I don’t think about all the times people were kind to me, or the times people were gentle and said nice things to me. When I think about friendships or people in general, I tend to ruminate on all the things that have gone wrong, the times I was ignored or criticized, the moments I realized someone didn’t actually care about me. This realization broke me, though I can’t really hate myself for it. My brain is trying to protect me from future heartbreak by convincing me that there’s no point in maintaining those relationships, that my heart will just get stepped on again. That’s why the negative experiences get amplified while the positive ones fall to the wayside, it’s a method of protection. But it’s a rock and a hard place - either I open myself up to trusting again and get hurt, or I keep closing myself off and hurt myself by isolating from everyone. There’s no way to truly avoid or anticipate pain, though - we can only cope with it when it happens. That’s at least one thing I’ve fully realized lately, and it was NOT an easy conclusion to come to.

The times my old friends abandoned me, mistreated me, or shattered my heart will forever live in my memory. But the times my current friends have said kind things to me, hugged me when they were happy to see me, shared their happy moments and interests with me, even told me they loved me…those are things I can’t let myself forget. Even if my brain is trying desperately to protect me from feeling pain, I know now just how important it is to counteract those anxious thoughts with the memories of what it’s like to be loved and appreciated, because that’s one thing I don’t think anyone should ever forget.

So…I guess I’m sharing this because I think I’m not the only one dealing with this. I know how difficult it is to make friends and to open yourself up to trusting others after you’ve experienced pain, but I think finding people you can trust and who will love you for you can feel very worth it once it happens. Sorry I’m not making sense because it’s very late and I need to go to sleep but I hope you understand me

#geez this turned out very long #I’m emotional rn sorry #just me things #text post #long post #social anxiety #friendships #trust issues #healing #actually autistic #bullying #vent #my writing

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grassisblue22 · 2 years

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Stories of Retail

I started my first job in retail when I was 18 years old. I don’t know if I can say the company’s name but we’ll just say it was like Ross, but it wasn’t Ross. I worked there for about a year and a half. By the time I left I was almost 20 years old. But I felt like I was 80 on the inside.

People always told me working in retail opens your eyes about how a lot of humans actually are. I never really understood what that meant until my time at, “Not Ross”. Then I understood: humans kinda suck.

The customers at this store were awful, to say the least. When I first started there, I was working fitting room. I was in the back, by myself, handing out numbers to guests that corresponded to the number of items they were taking back. The rules were simple: try on clothes, take whatever you liked with you, bring me whatever you didn’t. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. Mountains of clothes were constantly left in fitting rooms. “I just left what I didn’t want. You’ll take care of that, right?” I mean, I guess so.. It was also super easy for people to steal clothes. They did it all the time. We made easy it for them. Loss Prevention stood at the front and did hourly “walks” but they never really could do anything if they caught someone.

My store did not have public bathrooms. This is something I grew to dislike, not only because people gave me so much shit about it, but because if they did not like that they couldn’t use our bathroom, they’d simply use the clothes in the fitting rooms. Or one of the aisles in the childrens section. Or just have their children pee directly on the floor. It was usually grown women who did this. It happened almost every other two days. You don’t get used to it. It becomes a real problem though when all the pee starts to erode some of the wall in the fitting room. That’s when management started to see people peeing in the store as a problem. One time, I let someone use our personal bathroom. They ended up pooping all over the floors and wiping it all over the walls. For what reason, I don’t know. Humans are weird sometimes. Unfortunately, this only scratches the surface of that year and a half I spent there.

I wish I could say I had coworkers who made the job a little easier. That I had management who had my back with certain things. I didn’t. In fact, I only had about two friends in those times (both of which are still friends of mine. We all left at the same time). I had a lot of older women who did not like me. One in particular did not like me because she mistook me for a girl who worked in stock room (We started around the same time and had the same name. The stockroom girl hooked up with an LP guy whose girlfriend worked the front end). When she found out she got us mixed up, she did not care enough to stop talking ugly about me. I never understood why a woman who was in her late 40′s hated me so much. I guess I’ll never know. Her daughter was nice to me though.

I remember being up for a manager position that I was working really hard for. It was almost mine until my manager gave it to her sister who had no experience in retail or management. I don’t remember her name, but I remember her not liking the wall of socks I organized so she threw everything onto the floor and tried to make me redo it. I wish I were making this up. At this point, though, I was already annoyed with my job and did not care anymore. I walked away, finished my other tasks and went home. I got written up the next day. I’d like to think it was worth it.

I feel like I should stop here for now. I had a sudden urge to write and this was the only topic I could think of. Unfortunately, this only scratches the surface of that year and a half I spent there. I could go on and on about specific customers, coworkers who had a little too much nerve, and the managers I had to take orders from, but, alas, I think this is where it ends for now. If you’ve read this far, thanks. I look forward to writing more one day soon.

#retail #story #shopping #rant #funny #writing

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inkofamethyst · 2 years

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October 22, 2022

[Six of Crows spoilers in this paragraph] Hey did I mention that the scene where Kaz tore out that dude’s eye after Inej got hurt made me go absolutely feral? Because pinterest knows me about as well as I know myself (in contrast to tiktok which knows me better than I know myself and instagram which barely knows me at all) the app showed me a SoC textpost (still haven’t finished Crooked Kingdom lol) and it took me down a rabbit hole (apparently there’s going to be a show???? [edit: apparently Shadow and Bone is the show??? I haven’t even watched that, but I know it’s supposed to be good]) which reminded me of that scene in particular. For someone who considers herself to be awfully soft-hearted, apparently my love language is gore. Or, rather, an intelligent man who will tear the world to shreds if it lays a finger on me. (Now look. There is something that could be said about potential toxicity in the Kaz/Inej dynamic especially because he bought her but I’m a simple girl and simply have chosen to overlook this.)

ALSO APPARENTLY THERE’S GOING TO BE A NEW PERCY BOOK FROM PERCY’S POINT OF VIEW WITH THE ORIGINAL TRIO??? Step aside Swifties, the old school pjo fans are quaking this year.

Speaking of media, the Halo show is getting a season 2!!! I’m really excited for it actually.

And you know what? As annoying and nerve-wrecking as it is, I actually am thankful that I’ve been forced to send out so many emails this semester. Emails have become a lot less terrifying and more of just a thing to do to contact someone, and I welcome that shift. In the year before (hopefully) going out into the real world (more or less (like I won’t receive the same coddling as undergrad but I will still be in school so)), I’m getting the practice which is great, truly.

THAT SAID. I did get an email from a potential collaborator tonight as in nine pm on a saturday which was basically “im not taking students but yea id coadvise ig” and I have this awful habit of taking indifference/apathy toward me as dislike, and I am purposefully not allowing myself to go down that road today (also what is this lady doing on her work email on a saturday do you want me to think you have no life like,,, i at least fake it by schedule-sending all of my emails). Look, ultimately, it’ll make my application stronger even if I haven’t had the opportunity to actually speak with this woman about what it might look like. It’s fine I’ll be fine. Everyone is certain that I’ll have A Decision to make, and I think I’m nearly at the point of believing them which is... I mean it’s a nice change of pace! We’ll see how I feel closer to my deadlines and after them!

Second, I am thankful that I have a good relationship with my sister. We went to see a wind ensemble performance last night and a football game today and while I was far more interested in the performance than the game (my sister was really into the game but my heart rate did not once increase, uhm, I could’ve cared less, but not by much (I did bring a book to read with me in case I got too bored, but it never reached that point and also that would’ve made me look like a main character in a Wattpad self-insert fanfiction so I couldn’t bring myself to do it and also my little band kid heart liked watching the marching band go brrr)), they were both still fun.

[edit: it’s ten now and my pop gen professor has also just replied to an email of mine, can... can tenured folk chill out? I pray for their rest, truly (though I suppose it makes sense to be on top of your inbox because you’re a well-known professor and it could be easy for actual important communications to slip to the bottom)]

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