My opinion on the MBTIs as an ENTJ, based off of the people I know irl

Not all MBTIs are here, only the following: ENTJ, ENTP, INTP, ESTP, ESFJ, ISFJ.

This is mainly roasting you hardcore, as in I'm mean, so if you don't like that, don't look :)

All of them have a TL;DR versions if you don't want to read a block of text

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ENTJ - All of you (including me) need to chill out. Geniunly, calm down. I know you have an obsession about being superior and / or special, but you are not and you are human like everyone else and you need to calm down, God. Anyway, you're a big 50/50 because you're an amazing person to spend time with but also you're insufferable and it is an odd combination.

TL;DR: You need to chill with the superiority complex and I'm unsure how to feel about you.

ENTP - It is 50/50 with you people in the sense that there is two groups: extremely obnoxious and insufferable OR funny charmers that come for a good time. Reflect which one you are for all of our benefit. If your in the first group I'm sorry but I cannot bare to be around you, and if you're in the second one I love you and I want to marry you. But I know that saying that will boost your ego so to bump it down again I do want to say that you are often times a little too immature.

TL;DR: you're either too immature of very charming and depending on that I either hate or love you.

INTP - You're cool. You're chill. I can vibe with you. You are a bit too easy to frustrate, but it's okay because aren't we all. You suck at picking the right company though. But it's okay because you're a vibe and we can have a proper conversation that's actually pleasant to have and we tend to have a surprising amount of things in common.

TL;DR: I like you because we can vibe out.

ESTP - I'm sorry but you're cringe. You think you're very cool and very unique and swag, but you're not, you're just cringey and you're embarrassing yourself. It is not cool to do something dangerous or disgusting, it really isn't, it makes you look dumb. Also stop randomly dropping your trauma on people that's also weird. Just.. calm down, take a chill pill, take reference to INTP and take a step back. I know your avoiding all your problems and emotions like the plague, but it's getting frustrating for everyone else.

TL;DR: You're cringe and overwhelming.

ESFJ - In the ENTJ manner of I like you and I don't. Mainly don't, though, sorry. You can be a fun chat, but also you seem to be so sure that you are right in the end? And when presented with facts you just go no? Also your sense of community is way too much for me. Like what? How about you learn to be your own person? But also not in the "I'm so random" way, because you seem to have a habit of that as you want to be recognised by the people around you. Trust me, it is not a good tactic. Also don't push the sense of community on others, that gets weird and annoying.

TL;DR: If you push your sense of community on me again I will commit a crime.

ISFJ - I'm sorry but I like you the least. I cannot hang out around you for too long, one of the reasons being I get way too bored. You are not fun to talk to, I can't get a fun conversation out of you, and your jokes are just plain. You try to be your own person, but also you're a people pleasure, and those two things clash and it shows. Also I don't like how sensitively you tend to take everyone else's actions, it does feel like you often blow them out of proportions. Yes, they did something that sucked, but it was not as bad as you make it out to be. Also learn to stand up for yourself a little instead of being passively bitter about something the other person had no way of knowing was wrong / hurtful. That would benefit everyone involved.

TL;DR: You're passive, yet bitter. Also too boring for me.

On Being Socially Accepted / Well Liked

Human beings are sociable animals. No matter the degree of sociability, there’s a part of us that wants to be loved, nurtured and accepted by those around us.

I didn’t want to make a guide of how one should be likeable, because if you think a little - from all the people you like, do you like them for the same reason? Not necessarily. You may like one friend for their humour; another for being a solid person thick and thin; a third for their extroverted personality… we’re all different and should be!

Now, you may have certain qualities that you want in all your relationships, regardless of the person. For instance, I’m very adamant about transparency and loyalty. Loyalty to me doesn’t mean standing up for me even if I’m wrong - it means caring for me enough to tell me I’m wrong. However, these qualities wouldn’t make you likeable per se - they would make you accepted within a social circle.

So how does one become likeable?

1. Ease up on the doormat culture

You’ll notice that most of the people you like are capable of having an independent opinion and thought. People pleasers may come across as inauthentic and dicey, especially the ones who change their opinion to agree with the majority. So start cutting out the people pleasing behaviour.

2. Have hobbies

You’ll generally gravitate more towards someone who seems to have their life together as opposed to someone who doesn’t. I’m always keen to talk to someone who does something a little different in their free time. I remember talking to a physicist who also wrote poetry - I was very intrigued by his work, and I invited him to my NYE party along with his girlfriend.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with not having your life together as long as you’re at least trying to make it better. Hobbies don’t have to be expensive. It’s also a better way to expand your circle- not all your friends will enjoy pottery or tennis, for instance.

3. On emotional/ trauma dumping

The worst people to guide you in life, my father always told me, are your friends. Blind leading the blind.

Your friends may have a good heart but not necessarily good advice. Keep the trauma dumping to a minimal unless your friend is okay with you sharing more. Bear in mind that even as a listener, when you hear someone’s traumatic experiences, you may feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Never share your private experiences, current situations, drama, problems, gossip with acquaintances or friends who you’re not particularly close to. Trust me, it can be tempting to engage in catty behaviour but there’s a good chance it’ll bite you in the ass.

4. Figure out your strengths

I know what I bring to the table when it comes to friendship - gentle honesty, alternative solutions and perspectives to issues and I’m always a planner.

One of my friends is a blunt critic and I always speak to her when I know I need a reality check about life.

Another friend is very non judgemental, she’s the one I open up to about the weird things I think of.

A third friend is my party friend, who is 100% the life of the party and I love his energy.

We can’t share the same relationship with everyone. Understand your strengths and hone them.

5. Likeable people don’t care about being likeable

Become detached from this idea of “I want to be liked.” Rather than that, I feel the statement “I want relationships who accept me for who I am” make more sense. As you grow older, you’ll realise that this teenager definition of popularity is nothing but inauthentic bullshit. You deserve friends who care for you and cheer you on.

The idea of “I want to be liked/ popular” also low-key reeks of desperate behaviour. It shows that you don’t really care about your thoughts or opinions as long as you’re accepted and you’re ready to modify your opinions to fit in. That’s the worst way to making friends because you literally can’t be yourself.

6. Yes, looks do matter

Looks do matter to a degree. I don’t mean that in a sense of physical features - I mean it from a sense of grooming.

I’ve noticed that people will be taken more seriously if you look a certain way. That doesn’t mean you have to buy stuff until your money runs out - it just means being at a healthy weight, dressing well, practicing personal hygiene.

7. Observational skills

Whenever I’m at an event and I notice someone feeling left out, I go and talk to them.

I remember being in the shoes long ago and feeling uncomfortable going to places. So when I see someone in the same position, I try to be the person I wanted at that point of time.

It’s important to have keen observation skills but what’s even more important is dealing with it subtly. I remember a girl at a party wearing a dress with the price tag still attached to the neckline at the back. I casually went over, put a hand on her back, discreetly whispered that her tag was out, should I put it back in? She said yes, and I put the the tag inside her dress without people around us noticing me. Discretion is a must in life. Don’t shout your good deeds- do them, don’t get flattered by compliments when people tell you that you were nice, and just play it off like it’s not a big deal.

8. Being impolite

I read a study that polite people are harder to connect with. Overly polite people can be seen as boring and that you need more energy to talk to them because the conversation only revolves around a few “polite” topics (studies, career, life in general, how nice the establishment is, the weather, common friends… surface conversation). I’m not saying don’t be considerate - I’m saying don’t be overly polite. Don’t be over accommodating to other people. You can disagree with things respectfully. You can share a different perspective or crack a joke.

9. What are you like?

Are you better one on one or in groups?

I’m a much better person one on one. I resonate with people better when we have a conversation - when it’s a group, it’s just the usual hi-hellos.

You may prefer groups, if one on one conversations seem too vulnerable.

How do you figure this trait out? Ask yourself a simple question : if you had a meet a new person, would you rather meet them alone at a cafe or at a party with your friends?

Figuring this out is important because it gives you a sense of the relationships you value and how you can take them forward.

10. A balanced ratio of talking and listening

Try to listen more than you can talk. This advice is useless if you’re talking to an introvert. With most introverts I’ve noticed that they WILL talk to you - as long as they don’t have to make the first move. Once you set the ball rolling, they’re happy to talk.

So you have to understand how and when to switch being an active listener and speaker.

A simple generalised guide:

When dealing with extroverts: ask basic/ generic/ yes or no questions, give opposing opinions (most extroverts are generally up for a challenge) and listen more in the beginning, switch to talking more later.

When dealing with introverts: again, ask questions but you can make them more subjective than objective, less generic and definitely no yes/no questions. Talk more in the beginning and then listen more later, to make them comfortable.

Romiee, for the astrology ask game:

sun, IC and 8H👉👈?

And I saw you saying smth about you making them too long on the last ones IDC GIVE ME AS LONG AND AS DETAILED ANSWERS AS POSSIBLE OR WE'LL FIGHT

😭😭😭I’m not answering Sun I struggled ok. And it’s already answered here sweets :)

Also partially a vent underneath ig? ( you wanted it long so lmao)

IC ⇢ do you think you had a good childhood?

Hmmmmm 😭 nice question. Typically, yes—I had everything provided to me, two parents and an amazing house, I was well fed and the best to my education so yes in most senses I was better off than many people and I’m grateful for that. I mean I had friends growing up, teachers have adored me, I was almost never bullied and stuff and stuff it was all cool. But I’ve never felt at home with all this—and I don’t like whining about all this because I’d had a lot offered to me right—but idk. I mean, my class teachers knew more of my achievements than my parents, I’ve felt better talking to said teachers than at home. I grew up with sort of an almond mom, so I don’t have the best relation with food or how I view myself. It wasn’t that they were too busy either? I don’t think they cared enough—the first poem I wrote, they made fun of it. I’ve never shared a single piece of my writing with them since and istg I’m not singing my own praise but the way my English teacher used to adore me for my pieces. I realised quick that my parents wanted extroverted and “smart” (which for them only includes science and maths) and close to perfect kids so I did it for most part— I do dance now, I can speak publicly well enough, people love how I am, my larebts don’t but eh it’s whatever. So to answer you 😭 I had a decent childhood but I’ve been dreaming of leaving this house since I was 9 and sometimes I also don’t wanna return lmao

8H ⇢ what do you consider red flags in a relationship?

Oml. So many😭 I don’t get the whole jealousy thing. I mean being a little jealous is ok but gods some people are soooo off the chart? Then intruding partners? I have this really close friend and his ex, she didn’t want him talking to girls or getting close to them, she didn’t want him making friends with people she had beef with in 6th grade💀even after knowing the dude was close with said people. So stuff like this, said ex would talk to almost everyone this guy was talking to and it’s just weird. People not respecting boundaries? That’s another major thing I don’t get. And finally people who push “gender” roles onto partners. Now I’m not saying that people who do follow said gender roles (like the man providing and woman looking after the house)—it’s not wrong, and if it works for you? Amazing. But for many of us, I know it wouldn’t so yeahhhh

There’s a lot more but yeahhhh lmao

I hate to uncover myself here like that, but I got some thoughts that may contribute a bit to whole DA genre and how studying in small, gated community or breathing aesthetic makes main characters go insane.

I'm not rich by no means, but I would say I'm comfortable middle class. I can sail, I can ski, I can ride horses and, as a 22yo, I've already been to 20 various countries (not even attempting to count how many cities). Additionally, I'm not American, so student loans don't really affect me. The point being, I never had to worry about working regular student jobs or earning money in any way. I didn't even have chores at home. I was always told all I have to focus on is studying and nothing more.

I was raised by a professor of arts from a big university and by family who discusses philosophy and literature at the dinner table and speaks languages. I already knew half of my current professors before I even knew where I'm going to high school, and at 16yo I was having dinner with a professor from Harvard convincing me to apply there. I got into classics master's program and since it's very hard major with not many job perspectives here, I'm studying in a very small group of fairly odd or pretentious people (there are less than 10 of us in my year).

Thanks to contacts and nepotism, I already got a few jobs in my area of study. I already partaken in publications and all. I've been to foreign exchange programs, and I'm already planning what I have to do to get a PhD. Your typical DA bitch.

I know I will probably stay at uni for the rest of my life, following my parents' steps, but as an extrovert, I realised how much I miss contact with people from the outside. Especially since most of the work I do in my room with nothing but Google Docs in front of me.

Now, with war, crisis, inflation, and my rich holiday plans, I decided to try some more stable and student appropriate jobs. I became a barista to earn extra money and some practical experience. I also started going to the gym in my neighbourhood.

It has been an amazing experience so far to "ungate" myself and break free from the kind of golden cage I was living in. A few days ago, it struck me that for the first time ever, I feel like like a real person. Like a real young adult, who has to work for things and who exists in the real word and not one of concepts and aesthetics full of detached intellectuals and big words. It's such a weird feeling, but in a good way. Like, I'm no longer expecting everyone to know who Jacques Derrida is or speak more than 3 languages. I like to think I'm more in touch with reality and in touch with myself.

So, yeah, in conclusion, I deeply believe everyone should try that, and living gated, elitist, academiac life can actually rot your brain in every way.

If Henry Winter worked customer service job for a week, we would have a much happier ending to The Secret History lmao.

Chris Simmonds interviews Jon Lord for Beat International Magazine, December 1975

(article transcription continues below the cut)

Lord of The Deep

“I don’t think rock could exist and roll exist without solos — it’s a vital form of musical expression.”

Jon Lord of Deep Purple is undoubtedly a rarity. He combines the most pleasing qualities, rarely found among others enjoying a similar position on the Rock and Roll roundabout. We have man who has been making successful records for over seven years, and who remains both verbally and musically articulate with out ever resorting to the more flamboyant pretensions exhibited by so many of his contemporaries. He is a star, to be sure, but never to the point of camouflaging the musician.

With the reformed Purple off to the States until Christmas, we were delighted when Jon agreed to meet us at the airport before take-off to talk about Purple, new and old, and in general his particular role as keyboard player. The time was apt as we had just heard enough of the tapes of the band’s new album (Come Taste The Band) to suggest that it would totally eclipse the rather disappointing Stormbringer.

Jon, notorious for his late plane catching, arrived early this time, and cast his mind back to the days of Deep Purple Mark 1. The In Rock album was certainly the first major step towards worldwide acceptance, and we asked how this style change had been linked with the departure of original members Rod Evans and Nicky Simper, vocals and bass. 

Concise

“Christ, that far back. My memory isn’t all that good. Basically, it was that three people in the band wanted two to leave, and In Rock shows exactly what we wanted to get into. In fact, we had already been playing the In Rock style on stage, but we had never done it on an album. With lan Gillan and Roger Glover in the band, we had two rock and rollers, much more so than the others.

“It might just have been the climate of the times, but we did feel that the previous albums had rambled a bit. This attitude almost went against us, because we were so concise with In Rock that it became very hard to follow. This move was in fact largely motivated by Ritchie, and the general agreement by the majority of the band was that this was what we should do.

“I went down at the time as saying that I totally agreed with the policy but thought it should have been little more relaxed, and as a result of that Ritchie and I had a few arguments. These resolved themselves and resulted in Machine Head which, apart from the new one, was to my mind our best album.

If there were the odd moments of apathy from Ritchie, I certainly never shared them, apart from Who Do We Think Are which I disliked intensely. It was done in a mood of total fed-upness. lan left shortly afterwards, because by then he and Ritchie were having head-on collisions, so that probably caused the bad moods of that time.

Freedom

“However, most of the albums were a great joy to make. Although Fireball got slagged a bit, you must remember that it followed a smash success album, and that’s always difficult. It still gave me great satisfaction.” During this period a very prominent feature of the Purple music was a never ending rash of frantic solos. How far did Jon feel that they were an integral part of the songs?

“So long as it fits the song, I’m delighted to have them. We have reached the point now that even when I am playing the part of a backing musician I have much greater freedom. The song structure with Glenn (Hughes) and Tommy (Bolin) isn’t set any more. We are trying to loosen the whole thing up, and cut out the ‘this happens in that bar and that happens there’ attitude.

“The days of the really long solos have gone, and I am talking about the twenty five minute jobs. Everyone will still have their solo slot, because basically that is what Deep Purple is all about. We have always prided ourselves on our individual abilities, and we like to show it. Quite frankly, we sometimes went much too far in the past, and some of the others’ solos bored me.”

Given Jon’s feelings about solos, did he have any special preference about playing the more direct songs like Speed King and Highway Star or the more protracted tracks like The Mule?

“I’m quite happy with either role, so long as I am happy with the song in the first place. I don’t mind sitting back behind the guitar because that is just as creative as leading the song. Actually, that’s a tricky question, because the Hammond doesn’t really sit all that well in rock and roll as a backing instrument. It took me a long time and a lot of hard work to find an acceptable way of incorporating the instrument… Where was I? Oh yes, at the same time I have to solo — every musician does.

I don’t think rock and roll could exist without solos — it’s a vital form of musical expression. It’s a way of stretching out, but of course how much you do so is up to you, or the band. A musician should solo as long as he feels he is feeding off the audience, but I feel that it is unforgivable to bore an audience.”

Possibilities

With the new members, what possibilities did Jon see as far as his own instrument was concerned? “I really see many. Ritchie was a very demanding player in that he really enjoyed the limelight. I mean, we all did obviously, but I suppose he was so extrovert on stage to balance the introvert he was offstage. It’s hard to speak objectively as he was my friend for seven years. One of the nice things about having an American in the band is the more quote laid back unquote atmosphere. I enjoyed Tommy’s solo album.” And Ritchie’s album?

“There was certainly a Purple sound, but thought it was second rate Purple, and you can print that. I was surprised to say the least, because he said he wanted to go right back to the raw roots he felt we were abandoning. At the same time I suspect that his next album will be a bitch.”

Apathy

On the subject of these recent albums, Jon went on to compare Stormbringer and Come Taste The Band. “I liked the Stormbringer album. It was certainly a little different. There was a certain apathy on Ritchie’s part — he was already thinking of leaving — and perhaps it shows. We should have attacked it more as Deep Purple rather than approaching it in that dispirited way. I’m really not trying to make Ritchie a whipping boy — I really don’t want to — but you mentioned the word apathy and I think I would have to go along with that. But if the album didn’t quite come off, it didn’t sell as well as the others had, so there’s justice there.”

Jon is well known for his classical inclinations, and we wondered if they might reemerge more strongly within the new band framework?

“I’m really two musicians, and they meet somewhere in the middle. The outer edges can never get together, and that’s why I make solo albums, just to get things out of my head and out of my system. Look — I’m not carrying a cross for classical music — I’m a rock and roller and I have been for ten years. There just happens to be more, that’s all.”

What did he feel that the future held for the keyboard? “I think now that it has arrived with a vengeance, it will stay. Keyboard players are having to get more versatile in respect of the number of instruments they are having to play. The organ sound as just an organ sound is already overused, and I personally use synthesizers, a clavinet and a Fender Rhodes besides the Hammond.

Technique

“I have countered this dilemma of 'old hat’ sound by having my set up built specially for me. I have four Leslies which have been totally ripped out and replaced with better components, Crown amps, and all the keyboards, about six, go through the Leslies. The organ has also been messed around with, so it’s not a straight Hammond sound — it’s a particular sound that I feel fits our kind of music.”

Jon was also glad to offer tips to the embryonic keyboard wizard. “Well, even though it’s 'just’ rock and roll, I think it’s invaluable to acquire a technique of some sort. By all means absorb from other people, and try find out how they do it, but then you mus try to branch off and perfect your own style. Things like scales and arpeggios, although very boring, are bloody well worth while. If you are soloing, and your fingers won’t do what is in your head, it’s the most frustrating thing in the world. I have never regretted the hours and hours of practising that I have put in. I try to listen as much as I can to what else is going on in the rock world — I think it is important to be aware of what your peers are doing.

Relaxation

“I was talking to lan Gillan the other night on just this subject, and he said he never used to listen to anyone but Deep Purple and Elvis Presley. He admitted that he was totally wrong. He said that since he had been off the road he had been listening to everything that he could, and he realised how much he had missed. You don’t listen to others to copy — just to judge the feel of the business. Anyway, it’s a relaxation to me.”

The hidden speakers in the roof of the lounge was announcing the departure of the Purple flight. “I feel as if I could go on for another twenty years,” said Jon jumping up. “Thanks a lot for talking to me.”

*agressively shakes rexy* gO TO BED

but also hello? headcanons for sweet darling kiwame!fudou? listen im still in fudou loving mood - obviously, vy

[empty paragraph so tumblr doesn’t eat it]

i reFUSE-

seriously, though, sorry for disappearing on this blog =v=;; i didn't mean to vanish but once i finished strain (cranes ch 6) i kinda... lost all motivation to exist as a whole so that kinda killed any thoughts i had for kiwame fudou =v=;; but! i've changed my serotonin-writing-boosting playlist, so that seems to have helps a little bit. did you know that the persona 5 vgost is on spotify?

my turnaround time is... still a work in progress...

also, what is this new post editor?? sucks, i want it to go back to the old post editor.

mild content warning for: alcoholism, self-worth issues. nothing major, just some small mentions. please get these swords therapy.

regarding fudou coming to the realisation that he needs to change, to get better: i think it's a combination of others building their relationship with him and him eventually coming to respect you, however long it takes. after all, he's only referred to you as "あんた" (anta) and never as "主" (aruji) until his training journey.

he becomes a little bit like a miniature hasebe when he returns. he's a lot more responsible and tries to be dependable whenever he can. if you send out hasebe after fudou comes back from his journey, he tries to take over hasebe's duties in his stead. he even says "主命だからね" ("it's an order from master") in his horsekeeping lines. cutie.

he's still prone to being overwhelmed by negative thoughts and fears, though. even though he's certainly changed for the better, sometimes on lazy nights when he can't sleep, or if a sortie goes wrong, he'll worry if he's not good enough. maybe, he'll never be good enough. do you love him, too?

sometimes, the flames of honnouji still lick at his skin and he can feel how he was reforged back together. reforging is not a painless process, but i don't think it would be the most painful, either. consider it an itch you can't scratch because it's buried deep in your skin.

he worries a lot about relapsing back into his old drinking habits. he tried to avoid drinking when he can, because of it. sometimes, he might have a small sip once and a while in special occasions- your inauguration celebrations, new years' celebrations, maaaaybe during flower viewings if he's feeling a little cheeky- but no more that.

if you give him one of these liquid death sparkling water cans, he might laugh because it looks just like western beer, even if it's just water and contains no alcohol. maybe he'll take one from you to feel a little less weird about not drinking anymore, if he feels that way.

i don't think he'll become a workaholic, but he'll definitely push himself to his limits. you might have to remind him that he deserves breaks, too. he and hasebe are very alike, even if neither of them will want to admit it to each other.

he becomes a little clingier to you, though not overly so. please praise him and tell him he's going a good job. get one of those sheets with the gold foil stickers and stick them on his face or coat lapel. he'll find it funny, but take it in stride. he'll certainly boast about it to anyone who will listen.

he will let you braid his hair. he might find it odd at first, but relent and let you play with his hair. he might brag about the attention he's getting from you.

i imagine he's an advocate for getting to know your other swords, especially the new ones. he does say, "A new sword's turned up. Give them some love, alright?" in his citadel lines, so he'll probably try to get you to socalise with your swords more.

speaking of socialising, he's a lot more sociable with the others, in general. i think he's a lot more extroverted than others assume; when he was drunk, he was a lot more surly and would push people away. now, he's more willing to sit down and simply have a chat with others about nothing in particular.

💀  * [ benjamin wadsworth + cismale + he/him ] —— have you met oliver garcia-moreau? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying history. they live on decker house, and word around campus is that this gemini is adaptable + intelligent, as well as neurotic + insincere. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. switching languages mid-conversation. piles of half-read books. cigarettes held between trembling fingers.

well this took fucking forever but HEY GUYS!!!!! admin dana here to with her idiot genius child, oliver.

𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

(tw: somewhat detailed emotional abuse, brief reference to physical abuse)

if you ask oliver where he’s from, he’ll basically short-circuit. born in serbia (in the good ol’ days of FR yugoslavia) to a mexican-french couple, and with a childhood spent moving all around the world thanks to his mom’s job as a diplomat, he doesn’t really have much sense of cultural identity.

on paper, being a diplobrat was pretty cool; by the time oliver hit puberty he was fluent in four languages, proficient in a couple more, and had already seen more of the world than most people do in a lifetime. not only that, but he lived only in the nicest houses, got the best education and was driven around in fancy cars, all expenses covered.

still, there were some downsides. some are obvious, like having to say goodbye to your friends and basically restarting your life every three years. others most people don’t think about, like how stressful it can be for a seven-year-old to attend political events where he’s required to behave perfectly or face the consequences.

no matter how many times his mother harshly told him to just suck it up and power through, oliver always panicked before attending any event of that sort, both because of how overwhelming being around so many people could be but also out of fear he’d screw up and make his mother angry — which he always found a way to do. still, with time (and his mother’s scoldings and slaps and pinches) he learned: he was not to speak his mind; when asked how he was doing, he was supposed to lie and say he was doing great, sir, thank you. he was to speak only when spoken to, and his interests — especially the most eccentric ones — were to be kept to himself.

as time went by, he mastered the art of socialising. he learned how to read any room, to charm anyone, to talk his way out of anything. he learned what people wanted to hear and how to say it. but most importantly, he learned how to hide his real self. he crafted a mask of perfection, presenting himself as the princely, polite young man his mother demanded he’d be — but still not one good enough to satisfy her. 

she controlled every aspect of his life. if she didn’t like a friend he’d made, she’d forbid him from seeing them again. if she didn’t like a book he was reading, she’d make a show of tearing it to shreds. if he didn’t behave as immaculately as she wanted him to, she’d lock him in his room without dinner. but she always justified her own behavior. “you must learn how important image is,” she’d tell him. he’s still trying to unlearn these teachings.

for years his life was nothing but this cycle; moving to a new country, creating a new persona to match it, making some friends, saying goodbye, rinse and repeat. it was both tedious and exciting, and oliver hated it even if he’s grateful for so much of it.

he’d only been to the united states a couple of times before he decided to go to college there. there was something about america that just seemed normal. he applied to holloway on a whim; getting into college really isn’t that hard when you’re a rich polyglot with recommendation letters from world leaders. what is hard, as it turns out, is living life on your own when you’ve never had to do anything for yourself, and never got to decide what your next move is going to be. not only that, but being on his own has made him realise he doesn’t really have any idea who he is or what he wants.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

always proper and polite.

very persuasive, especially when it comes to authority figures.

great at reading people but only as long as he’s not emotionally involved, at which point he overthinks every little thing and is unable to get a clear image of what’s going on.

comes across as confident, but is insanely insecure with major imposter syndrome.

can come across as a pretentious asshole, not realising how privileged he is and far removed from most people’s reality his life has been.

at his core, a big nerd who’s incredibly passionate about his interests (especially history) but only lets that side of himself show with select few people.

king of overthinking. his thoughts’ thoughts have thoughts.

desperate for a purpose and/or direction. wants to make life count for something. feels completely lost and has no clue at all about what to do with his life.

acts like an extrovert because he’s been conditioned to do so, but is really more of an introvert and rarely shares his real feelings so he’s like an open book where 80% of the words have been censored out and another 10% is in a dead language.

actually pretty easy to get into his bed, though his princely vibe might make it seem otherwise. desperately craves human connection/doesn’t get attached easily/is afraid of commitment so really he’s more than fine with casual sex (though he’s the type to make them both coffee the morning after or leave a note for the other person instead of just leaving without a word).

𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎

(tw: illness?) partially deaf on right year from a bad case of meningitis when he was 13 that also left him with a slight limp. he absolutely hates it, despite it being nearly imperceptible.

learned spanish and french simultaneously while growing up, but feels more comfortable with spanish than any other language and usually speaks it when talking to himself. if he’s around other spanish or french speakers he might switch language for a few words in the middle of the sentence.

so much anxiety!!!!!!!!!!

really bad insomnia.

straight-A student now that he’s in college and studying something he’s truly passionate about, but was actually not very good in high school and mainly got accepted into holloway because of his background.

so bi it hurts.

mom friend energy. if he’s truly your friend, he’ll make sure you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

has superficial knowledge on an incredible amount of different subjects.

addicted to caffeine.

weed turns him into a conspiracy theorist.

an absolute mess. can’t handle the most basic house chores. won’t remember to do laundry until he’s down to his last shirt, changing the bed sheets takes him hours, can’t even boil water.

fascinated by old stuff and doesn’t care much for technology. barely even uses his phone. has auto caps on and texts like a grandpa in general.

awful driver with an awful-ler sense of direction.

actually not as rich as he sounds?? like he has money, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not like... yacht-owning levels of wealth. his family mostly just led a luxurious life without having to pay anything for it thanks to his mom’s job, so he finds money to be a confusing concept.

have you read the raven cycle? because not to be super embarrassing but a certain dick gansey might give u a sense of what im going for here. (also sprinkle some amy santiago in there)

HERE is here connection page, HERE is his pinterest board and HERE are some stats.

strawberries ➩ s.c ➩ 1

seo changbin x reader.

words: 2k.

genre: soulmate au // fluff.

requested? yes!

warnings? none.

-

“You are so ridiculous,” Lucas shakes his head at you, crushing your dreams right before you. “Of course they don’t exist. If they did, why do people fall out of love?”

“Because they don’t find them. Then they end up marrying someone they love, but aren’t devoted to,” you snap back, crossing your arms as you sit beneath the trees in the park. “It’s a lovely concept to think about, why do you hate it so much?”

You had the first afternoon off in the longest time from your full time waiting job at the local diner. Originally you had wanted to spend it relaxing on your small balcony at your apartment that you shared with your flatmates and best friends, Yuqi and Chaeyoung. In your head you had images of you sipping a cold drink and reading a book and just relaxing.

Instead, Lucas had dragged the three of you out to the park, claiming that he ‘never saw you’ and that he ‘missed you’. Now he was just arguing with everything that any of you were trying to talk about.

“They have a point, Lucas,” Chaeyoung says, lifting her head from the ground as Lucas scoffs at you all. “Sometimes I wonder about it too. My parents are soulmates, you know?”

“What brought them together?” Yuqi asks, pausing her daisy chain making to join in the conversation.

“My dad’s writing. My mum had come across his work online, and when she did, she got the mark. Upon realising it, she asked for them to meet up. A few years later they were married and baby Chaeyoung came along,” Chaeyoung says, making Yuqi giggle and Lucas roll his eyes.

“Okay, so one soppy story doesn’t make it a real thing,” he grunts, throwing his ball in the air about his head again. “And I still think it’s all a made up business.”

“Just because you haven’t found your soulmate, Lucas, doesn’t mean it won’t happen,” you reply annoyed, helping Yuqi pick the daisies for her chains. The thought has you dreaming at night time, wondering what your soulmate will be like; will they be introverted or extroverted? Creative or scientific? A daredevil, or someone who stays safe?

“We are nineteen, y/n. Chill out maybe? We aren’t supposed to find the love of our lives right this second,” you grow tired of Lucas dismissing all of your ideas, and give up the conversation. You were determined that soulmates were a thing, and that you would find yours, whether he liked it or not.

-

It was safe to say you regretted joining Lucas and the girls in the park when you started your afternoon shift the next day. Whilst it wasn’t extremely busy - the diner was only a small diner on the outskirts of town - it was very popular for the students from the creative arts university during their lunch break.

You keep your signature smile though as you take a large number of orders for strawberry milkshakes and the menu favourites. After keying every order into the computer you tell Woojin and Minho, the two chefs, the different meals ordered. Then you start on assembling the milkshakes all by yourself.

The other full time waiter, Chan, who was also the diner owner, was chatting over the counter to a group of boys that frequently visited the diner. You recognised most of them as some of his friends outside of the workplace as well. Hyunjin spots you watching them enviously as Chan takes his time to relax whilst you run around carrying trays of drinks, and waves at you enthusiastically.

You smile back, and he spins around to face Chan properly again. Sat beside him is an unfamiliar figure, who looks a little lost in the red and blue glow of the diner. He wears a thick black hoodie, despite the heat in the diner, and a cap pulled over what looks like black hair. Around his neck sits some expensive looking headphones, and you wonder if he’s a new student to the university. Hyunjin was good at picking up new friends left, right and centre, so it wouldn’t surprise you.

You don’t have time to admire the mysterious new boy as you run orders of milkshakes around the place, then the food that Minho and Woojin start plating for you. Eventually Minho rings the bell for new food so many times that Chan pulls himself away from his friends and begin dealing out food. When the initial lunch rush has ended you take a moment to catch your breath behind the counter, letting Chan take the new orders as the students walk in.

“So, Y/n, good to see you are still running this place for Chan,” Felix chuckles as you walk over, asking if they wanted anything. “I’ll take a banana milkshake, cream but no sprinkles or cherries.”

“You are a heathen,” the new boys says, surprising you as you twist to start the milkshake machine again. Hyunjin giggles his signature laugh and Seungmin snorts beside Felix, who looks shell-shocked that the new boy not only spoke, but was quite so savage. “What? Banana milkshakes suck at the best of times.”

“Not these ones. Y/n have a special talent,” Felix winks at you, making you roll your eyes at the boy. His countless attempts at flirting with you have got him nowhere; you weren’t interested in dating, unless your date was your soulmate. But, seeing as Lucas didn’t think they existed, you didn’t think you’d be dating anytime soon.

“Don’t flatter me Felix. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to place a cup in the holder and press the banana button,” you say, making Hyunjin laugh even more. The mysterious guy has a smile on his face that makes your heart flutter; now that he has lifted his head, you can see his face better, and see that he has has the loveliest brown eyes that are inviting and warm.

“Well, Changbin still needs to try it,” Felix replies with a defeated sound in his voice. He soon perks up as you hand him the glass and takes a big sip. So Changbin was the name of the mystery boy. Hearing his names makes your tummy flip, and is what prompts you to ask the next question.

“What flavour would you like? Consider it on the house,” you say, trying to stop the blush creeping up your neck. Changbin has a flush of pink across his cheeks and nose, and stumbles over his words as he tries to say that you shouldn’t. “Consider it a ritual to the diner for the first time, then. Strawberry, chocolate, vanilla?”

“Why not banana?” Felix asks, pouting over his red paper straw.

“Because nobody likes banana!” Seungmin exclaims loudly, making the diner quieten for a little. Chan rolls his eyes as he walks over, having finished keying in the new orders.

“I see you’ve met Changbin,” Chan smiles, reaching under the counter for his water bottle. “He’s majoring in music production at SSCA, and has just transferred to Jisung’s class. The three of us are working on a project for their class next term.”

Jisung was Chan’s best friend outside of the diner. In his downtime, Chan was also a music producer, also working for SSCA on their lectures and project designing. You wonder how much Jisung offered to have Chan work on the project with him, seeing as it was strictly against the university rules to have a student work on a project with a tutor.

“Music, huh? That’s a bold choice,” you say, your tummy still doing the flip thingy. “A choice that you won’t make is what milkshake flavour you’d like.”

Changbin lets out an exasperated laugh, asking for the strawberry flavour. As you turn around to make the drink, you hear Chan and Changbin begin talking about the music, whilst Hyunjin, Seungmin and Felix begin chatting about their classes. When you spin back to hand Changbin the drink, he has obviously been staring at you for a while, as you make him jump and blush again.

“Enjoy,” you say with a bright smile before going to take payment from a lot of broke university students. Changbin follows you as you continue working into the afternoon. When it’s time to leave for his afternoon lecture, he tries to wait until the last second before he has to sprint down the hill to SSCA. He desperately wants to say goodbye to you, but he doesn’t know why. The logical side of his brain thought it was so weird that he was so desperate to wish you well, but something inside of him wouldn’t just let him leave.

“Hey, y/n,” Hyunjin calls over, a small stack of change on the counter. “Here’s the money for Felix’s milkshake. I’ve got class now, but I’ll see you later?” You wander over, and Changbin is grateful for the taller boy offering him the opportunity to speak to you again.

“Thanks! See you around,” you smile at the four boys who were all climbing out of their chairs and bickering about being late to class.

“See you, y/n. It was lovely meeting you,” Changbin says with a shy smile, making all three boys fall quiet. He could already hear the teasing that he was going to get for this. “Thanks for the milkshake; Felix was right, it was the best.”

And with that he makes a beeline for the door, leaving you feeling confused but giddy. His sweet farewell makes you ride out the rest of your shift on a high, despite Chan teasing you on and off for the remainder of the shift until you close in the evening.

-

“You are looking a little loved up,” Chaeyoung giggles as you return from your shift late at night. Yuqi sleeps on the couch, her small body taking up all of the space. Chaeyoung relaxes in the small love seat, watching some cheesy drama on Netflix. You cover your cheeks with your hands, unsure of what she was saying.

“What do you mean?” You ask, dropping your bag next to your shoes and wandering into the kitchen to fetch yourself a drink. When you return, Chaeyoung has this knowing smile on her lips.

“You look like my parents do when they haven’t seen each other in a while. Like you’ve just found the half of you that you didn’t know was missing,” she says, checking her phone for the time. “Meet anyone new today by chance?”

“Chaeyoung he was so cute,” you confide, making her smile even brighter. “He majors in music at SSCA and is good friends with Chan. And Chaeyoung he has this most amazing smile.”

“Did you get his number?” She asks, and your heart plummets all of a sudden. You realise that you had no way of contacting him. Far short of stalking Chan’s private instagram until you found someone that looked like him and then messaging him like a stalker, you had no connection to him. “I’ll take that as a no.”

“What if he doesn’t come back? What if I only had one shot? Chaeyo-”

“Calm down!” She interrupts, the smile still on her face. “I’m sure he will be back. If not, you can always ask Chan for his number. You know he would happily give it to you, given how lonely you are these days.”

“Wow, thanks,” you reply with a huff, still smiling brightly. You didn’t think that anything could kill your mood tonight. “On that note, I’m going to bed.”

“Good night, y/n,” she says, turning the television volume down. “Oh, and don’t tell Lucas that you might have met your soulmate.”

-

part 2 // master list // request

Do the even ones greater than 50!

That’s quite a few, but fortunately I need a little relaxation right now.

52. Do you ever want to get married?On the whole, yes. I don’t believe it should be religiously necessary, and I respect people who object to the history associated with marriage, or who think it’s just a piece of paper. It sounds like a financial pain in the butt, and it’s a risky move, logically speaking. But to me, it represents a conversation between two people that their life together is no longer provisional; a confirmation that they want to spend their lives together and work together as a team. I’m a realist; many marriages end in divorce, and I have as good a chance as anyone else of falling victim to those statistics. And it’s OK if things don’t work out; life can be complicated. But I also believe that when you meet the right person, there’s something special about agreeing to take that leap of faith together, and trying your best. Knowing someone feels that way about you must be an irreplaceable feeling.

54. Have you ever been cheated on? No, and I hope not to be.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert who’s had to pick up enough extrovert skills due to work and adulting. But really, I revert to introverted given half a chance.

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?Time travel or teleportation. Maybe flying. Do healing powers count as a talent? Lol. Realistically though, I guess I wouldn’t change who I was. Not because I’m perfect (far from it); there are lots of skills I’d love to have the time to develop. But I think it’s better to focus on what you can do now, rather than what you would have wished to have been.

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in attraction at first sight; I’m mortal, and very occasionally when I meet someone something inside goes “!!!”, but it’s usually a multifactorial thing, and it rarely happens on my first interaction with someone. But, that’s not the same as knowing someone intimately and loving them for who they are; this is not something that can happen instantly or be rushed. Most of my crushes developed over time. Maybe it doesn’t help that I am faceblind, which usually complicates things. This can make online dating harder; a picture on its own means little to me;someone can be absolutely gorgeous like a painting, but leave me cold or be completely forgettable. Talking is therefore a very important part of the process for me; you gain a much better idea of how well you click.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yep, every few months since my mid 20s. I was gifted with greying hair since my late teens, and my ascension to silver-hair has rapidly gained pace since my mid 20s. My hair is greyest at the temples, which means that my usual hairstyle hides it pretty effectively. I’m quite a low maintenance person when it comes to my hair; I really just want to brush it, tie it in a bun and get on with my life. So I dye it as close to what is left of my natural hair colour as possible. I wish I had the time and energy to do something more dramatic with my hair, but medicine isn’t the easiest job to do wacky hair things. One day, I’ll let myself go natural with my hair, but given that most of my seniors in their 40s or 50s are less grey than me, I’m not quite ready to embrace the look, yet.

64. Would you go against your moral code for money?I hope not. I don’t care about money enough to compromise the things I believe in, but I’m also fortunate that I’m not impoverished. I know that’d be a much more difficult question to answer if it came from a position of severe financial need. It’s easy to say you wouldn’t do something for money when you are comfortable.

66. Who are you jealous of?I don’t believe in indulging feelings of jealousy (or envy, since the technical term jealousy doesn’t seem to fit here?), but in working through any stigmatised, negative emotions you feel. I’m not someone who gets particularly insecure about seeing other people’s lives on facebook or instagram etc. We all want different things at different times, and life is not a competition. Someone else’s happiness does not take yours away.

But in the loosest sense, sometimes, when I’m halfway through a set of 12h shifts, revising in my off hours and too tired/busy to see the people I care about or indulge my interests? I look at people living their normal 9-5 lives, with the time and energy to spend with loved ones and indulge their hobbies, and I feel a twinge that makes me re-evaluate my relationship with work because I too just want to be happy and maintain some semblance of a work-life balance. And if you just hang out with medics, you get a really warped perception of what a normal, healthy life is, so it’s actually important to hang out with non-medics too, and realise that there’s more to life than obsessing over medicine. Life needs balance, and I’m happy that people sometimes remind me of that, even if it’s at times when it gives me complicated feelings about it all.

68. How long was your longest relationship? My longest relationship is with myself, and with my parents who have put up with me for over three decades. My longest friendship has lasted since I was around 8 years old; we still talk regularly even though my best friend from primary school has now moved abroad! I’m still in touch with friends from secondary school, and even talk to some med school friends who I met in my previous degree pretty much daily. In comparison, no romantic relationship has lasted nearly as long, but they’ve lasted as long as was realistically feasible at the time. That’s not a competition; we put romantic relationships through a very different kind of process, because they are essentially an extended interview for a particularly intimate place in your life.

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Be a feminist. Nothing like a guy that respects women, treats me like a person and understands the importance of consent.

But really. Most people? Nothing. If you don’t like someone, nothing is gonna make them sexy, no matter how alluring they might try to be. But if you like someone, isn’t almost anything they do kind of sexy because they are the one doing it? I find someone doesn’t even need to be trying to be remotely sexy if you like them, it just sort of… happens. Half the fun is the way that your gaze lingers over small, almost imperceptible details and mannerisms that make them who they are. That’s my excuse for getting uh… distracted by the most random things, anyway!

72. Are you in a relationship?I’ve retired from online dating and am seeing someone. There are a lot of things going on on my life right now (and theirs), so I’m just happy to take things one step at a time and see what happens.

74. Are you a bad person? I don’t believe so? At the very least, I hope I can try my best not to be. I try to be kind, and to do better. I try to learn from my mistakes. I don’t believe in passing value judgements on people lightly; most people aren’t ‘bad people’, and by stigmatising making mistakes, we can make it harder for people to admit their mistakes and learn from them. And it makes it harder for people to process their feelings and past experiences and work on doing better.

76. What did you do on your last birthday? I don’t remember that I did anything at all on my last birthday, actually. I think I took the day off work, so I must have done something; I’m pretty sure I celebrated with a few friends and family, because I always do something, even if it is something minor. But it’s been years since I did 'big’ birthday meetups, because it’s impossible to get most of my friends in the same place these days.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? Be bereft. I don’t really know how to answer this question; does it want a description of the entire grieving process? Needless to say, the sudden death of someone close to me would be a huge shock.

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Do my best to spend time with all the people I care about and let them know how much they mean to me. Probably write some letters for their future selves, to make sure I got everything across. Give them all something of mine that I thought they would like, so they’d have something to remember me by.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? I’ve been single for much longer than I’ve ever been in relationships, and I’ve been perfectly happy single for the majority of that time. There’s a self-contained peace to living a happy, fulfilling single life, and I don’t believe that being single deserves the stigma that it sometimes gets. I get a lot of hassle from relatives about being single, but that was always frustrating because they assumed I must be miserable when I really wasn’t. That said, spending time with a person who makes you happy is also a pretty nice feeling, and contributes something a little different to your happiness. It can make an already nice life a bit nicer, even if it isn’t technically essential to live a nice life.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory?I don’t know that I can pick one. I have fond memories of birthday parties, or playing with my friends or sister. Fun days out in the park. School assemblies. That kind of thing.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? No. I had a very vivid inner life as a kid; lots of stories about what the toys got up to, but they weren’t my friends as much as they were players in our stories. Maybe it’s because I had a sibling that I never really needed an imaginary friend.

88. What is your ideal career? Helping people, but then also getting to write/draw about it, and helping other people who help people.

Because competitive 'staying in bed all day with cats and a hot drink’ is not a real job, apparently.

90. Are you conservative or liberal? Liberal. Nothing much to say here; that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who reads my blog.

92. Do you like kissing in public? No. I’m a shy person by nature, so sloppy PDAs don’t come naturally to me. I also don’t like being stuck next to couples who are getting pretty intimate on the tube, so I don’t like the idea of making others comfortable by forcing my own romantic interactions on them. I’m a much cuddlier person in private, as my loved ones will attest.

94. Where would you like to live? I have no set plans, which is just as well because you never know where life will take you, between work or relationships. My parents never planned to end up where they did, so I remember their example and try not to get too hung up on planning exactly what form the future will take; because you really don’t always know where you will end up. But I’d ideally like to live in or around London, close enough to family and friends that they can remain a part of my life. To me, being able to spend time with the people you care about is important self-care, and ultimately important for my happiness.

96. Describe yourself in one word.thoughtful.

It was an accident Chapter.1 (M)

Genre: Angst, romance, drama

Rated Mature: Strong language, sexual, violence

Main characters: Melissa (reader), One/Jae (Jaewon) & Dean 

“JAE?! JAEWON?!”

“Yes babe? *chuckles*, why are you shouting? Chill out”

“Do you have everything you need? All your things packed up?”

“Yes babe, I think so”

“Okay then, hurry up, your mum and dad are in the car waiting for you”

“Okay I’m coming!”

“Alright, I will be waiting in the car with your parents then. Remember to lock the door behind you!”

My boyfriend of 4 years, Jaewon, is going abroad for a job internship in Paris for two years. Me, his mother and his father are driving him to Paris because it is easier for him rather than him paying for more than one trips back and forward across the English Channel with lots of luggage’s. I am so nervous for him, for me and for us because we have been together since we were 18 and I do not want a long-distance relationship with Jaewon. He is my first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything and we met at university. I majored in Fashion Marketing, while Jaewon majored in Advertising & Marketing at university of London. We both had one class together, which was ‘Marketing communications’.

 Okay, so let’s go back 4 years ago.

(Reader’s POV/Melissa) 

I have finally been accepted in my university and I moved in 2 weeks before lectures started. My 3 friends from school, Jenifer, Temi & Yerin got accepted to different universities in different cities, meaning that I had no friends at my current university, at all. I am both an extrovert and an introvert so making friends was hard but easy at the same time but mostly hard. Because I didn’t make any friends, I didn’t leave my dorm room to explore my campus at all.

Living on campus was lit for everyone but me. Parties every day for 2 weeks straight, People taking drugs, everybody is sleeping with everybody and people already getting into beef. I really just wanted to go home at this point. My university campus had 3 dorm buildings, one was an all-girls dorm called ‘Trinity block’, one was an all-boys which was called ‘Angus block’ and the other was a mixed/ co-ed dorm building that was called ‘united block’. I lived in the all-girls dorm building ‘Trinity block’ because the mixed dorm ‘united block’ was full and I wasn’t really that fussed with where I ended up living. As long as I lived on campus, it was okay for me. The mixed dorm ‘Angus block’ was the dorm that was in between the boys and the girl’s buildings. It was the littest building in the campus.

My roommates were living their full lives out here, but partying, clubbing, drinking and smoking weed everyday was not my thing. Sleeping around was not my thing either. It just didn’t interest me. The same gender buildings were stricter compared to the ‘united block’, the security guards would never let the opposite gender go into the same sex dorms, but my roommates snuck boys in during freshers.  My roommates Amara, Shelley & Christine. They were cool, but they were not my friends. They were a little bit annoying and dirty but me and Christine got on very well because we both speak French and because our rooms were closest to each other, even though we were totally different from each other. She was crazy, loud, made a lot of friends and would sneak boys into our building. She knew when the security man was on his break and stuff. But besides all of that, she was cleanest one out of the rest

Anyways, university finally starts, and the parties were dying down. I didn’t get to explore my campus when I moved here so I was lost. I usually hate being too early or being too late. But since it is the first day of university, I should at least leave my dorm 20 minutes, early right? Since my campus is so big and I could get lost (which I did). I didn’t make any friends during fresher’s week because I am kind of shy, which meant I didn’t leave my room at all.  I wanted to make a good first impression for myself, so I made sure that I looked really good. I did my makeup nice but subtle and natural looking so that I can be somebody’s potential friend and obviously, because fashion is one of my majors. It is the beginning of October so it’s kind of warm but really cold at the same time. I wore a basic black long sleeved v neck body suit, black leather skinny jeans, black and white Stan Smith sneakers, a white overcoat, black leather bucket bag and a red scarf so that I don’t look too ‘black and white’.

Because I left extremely early I still managed to get to my lecture theatre early. In fact, I was like 15 minutes early for this 9am lecture, meaning what? Meaning that I was the first person there, yay. Best, absolute, perfect! Because I was really early, I managed to go up the stairs and sit at the back rows instead of the front ones, just in case the lecturers ask me question while they teach.

(Jaewon’s POV)

I had performed at university events for the past 2 weeks and as much as I liked being a rapper, I got tired of doing not only being at events but attending parties every day for the past 2 weeks. Partying was lit, don’t get me wrong, but for 2 weeks straight? HECK NO! Also, my personality was too chill for parties. All I wanted to do was to perform my songs at events and keep it pushing but that clearly didn’t happen because I got popular too fast.

Thankfully, the university finally starts, and the parties were dying down, which meant that I didn’t have to be at the parties anymore. Monday, the first day of my lecture came. I didn’t feel the need to wake my friends up for lecture because if I did, I would have not been able to get there on time. So, I managed to wake up really early, even though I was still lowkey hung over from yesterday’s partying for fresher’s week. I hated being early to lectures but I figured out, if I wanted to sit at the back row, I would have to get there at least 10 minutes early. I just threw on a black hoody, black skinnies, a black backpack, a grey overcoat, my favourite black cap and some grey and orange yeezy boosts.  

I finally get to the lecture theatre 10 minutes early and I notice this one girl sitting at the back row. I couldn’t see her clearly at first because the distance was big. But as I got closer, I saw her. She was beautiful. She had such a wonderful fashion style, her hair was perfect, her lips were perfect, everything about her was perfect. I can even smell her lovely perfume scent from 8 steps below the top seats. I know that I am giving off creepy vibes right now with the staring, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her which was a bad because I ended up tripping on the stairs and just laying on there. I was embarrassed that my face went red. I really wanted to look cool for her but instead I looked stupid.

“omg be careful! Are you okay?” she says

(Reader’s POV/Melissa)

I bought a fashion magazine to read and plugged in my ear phones while waiting for the lecture hall to fill in. my music was not on full blast, I wanted to be aware of when somebody came in the hall. I see the big lecture door open and I see this really good-looking guy walk in. As he came closer, I realised who it was. It was that cool, good looking rapper guy that my roommates were talking about. What was his name again? Own? O? Owl? One, I think.  During the fresher’s week, my roommates went out to this club and they were excited to go because apparently this One guy was going to perform. He was popular amongst the university students because of his good looks, his rapping skills and chill personality. If it wasn’t for my roommates, I would have never heard of him, they played his songs so many times at these parties on campus, especially from ‘Angus block’ that I had even started to know the lyrics. It was kind of annoying. I wasn’t interested in him like that, so I never search for his music and stuff. I didn’t want to stare at him for too long because popular boys like him start to feel like they own the world. They are normally cocky and thinks every girl will sleep with them, so I went back to reading my magazine and minding my own business.

All of the sudden, I heard a loud thud, I look up and I don’t see him anymore, why? Because he was on the floor. His hat flew a few steps back as well. I was kind of worried for him but at the same time, I kind of had a feeling that the alcohol from yesterday’s partying was still in his system so there was no way that he was going to act normal.  I tell him to be careful and I ask him if he was okay. He wasn’t replying so I rush down to see if he is okay.

To be continued…… 

Next - Chapter 2

Will post chapter 3 if chapter 1 & 2 gets 100+ notes

Thank you 

#001 CHARACTER SHEET:

Full Name: Lana Rose Jameson Meaning of Name: The Greek and American meaning is ‘light’, whereas the English meaning is ‘fair/good looking’. Nickname: None. Birth Date: June 18th, 1996. Astrological Sign and Details: Gemini. Common star sign traits are ‘quick-witted’, ‘expressive’ and ‘sociable’. Lana firmly believes that a person’s star sign speaks volumes about the content of their character and is always suspicious of anyone that she meets that’s a Taurus. Birth Place: Her mother went into labour backstage at the rock concert of one of the bands Lana’s father manages. She was born in New York Presbyterian.  Age: 21.

Nationality: American. Race: Caucasian. Hair Color: Auburn. Hair Style: Long and wavy.  Distinct Features of Face: Plump lips and thick eyebrows. Glasses or Contacts: None. Eye Color: Hazel. Skin Tone: She vacations a lot during summer, so she has a sun-kissed glow that lasts for a long while into winter. Scars or Distinguishing Marks: A heart shaped freckle on the inside of her right thigh, subtle freckles over the bridge of her nose and cheeks. Disabilities: None. Build or Body Type: Naturally slim, maintained by ballet. Height: 5″9′. Weight: i searched for so long n i can’t find bridgets weight anywhere bt... essentially she’s skinny Speech Patterns: Talks a mile a minute, especially when nervous. Laughs at everything and nothing. Uses a lot of filler words because she’s constantly thinking aloud so her sentence is never planned out before she says it. Tag Words: Says “like”, “totally”, “anyways” and “um” a lot.  Gestures: Almost always wildly flinging her hands around. Most of the time she finds any excuse to have some form of physical contact with the person she’s speaking to, e.g. playing with their hair, dusting lint from their shoulder. 

FAMILY AND CHILDHOOD

Mother: Victoria Jameson. Father: Richard Jameson. Mother’s Occupation: Former model, presently operating as a socialite and doing charity work. Father’s Occupation: CEO of Jameson Records. Family Finances: Wealthy. Birth Order: Caleb Jameson is the oldest, Lana the youngest. Brothers: One, Caleb Jameson. Sisters: None. Other Close Family: None particularly, save for a handful of cousins they see during holidays. Best Friend: Frankie Vigo. Other Friends: Teddy Lawrence, Ophelia Knox, Gabe Leitner, Imogen Bauer, Elias Elliot, A.J. Sullivan, Melody Forbes, Jude Hayward. Probably more that I’m missing. Lana’s quite a social butterfly. Enemies: None. Pets: None. Home Life During Childhood: Lana was often treated like she didn’t exist. She could go for days on end without her parents ever saying one word to her. She’d often have to sort out her own meals because they’d forget about her and she was so touch starved growing up, it’s likely that’s one of the main contributors towards her sex addiction today. One of her most vivid memories as a child was reaching to hold her mother’s hand when she got nervous crossing the road, only to have her slap her off her and turn her head the other way. What Did His, Her or Their Bedroom Look Like: An explosion of pink. Picture every teenage girls room from a chick flick in the early 00′s. Very Jennifer Check, posters everywhere, giant fluffy cushions, the works. Any Sports or Clubs: She used to be a cheerleader in high school and she’s always done ballet from being tiny.  Schooling: She went to high school further into the city (New York) and obviously is now enrolled at Lockwood to complete her diploma.  Favorite Subject: Growing up, she used to love art and also debate as well as dance. Now it’s probably just dance. Popular or Loner: Popular. Important Experiences or Events: Caleb shipping off to the army as well as Caleb being discharged on grounds of PTSD after his unit were attacked, seeing him losing his best friend right in front of him. He was never the same after that and therefore the one person that Lana actually thought she mattered to in the world was essentially gone. Health Problems: ADHD and sex addiction. Religion and beliefs: Atheist.

PERSONAL

Bad Habits: Sleeping with people to avoid dealing with her feelings, biting her lip when she’s nervous, playing with her hair and generally fidgeting when people speak to her. Good Habits: Obsessively always keeping a pack of gum on her because she hates bad breath, sending good morning texts and practising her ballet. Best Characteristic: Her ability to start up a conversation with just about anyone. Worst Characteristic: Her inability to open up and have a serious conversation about her emotions. Worst Memory: Her mother finding out that she got blackout drunk and had a threesome with two of her father’s close associates. She didn’t seem to take into account the fact that it was vastly inappropriate for them to be talking to Lana in the way they had which lead to the encounter, or the fact that she was drunk when it happened. She told Lana she was disgusting and didn’t look at her in the face again after for three months. Best Memory: Having a childish bicker with Caleb at the park and throwing his whole loaf of bread into the duck pond in protest. When he was mad at her, she attempted to reach out and fish it back only to fall in, herself. She’d never seen him laugh that hard before and eventually she was joining in, too. It was the last time she can remember him smiling. Proud of: Nothing in particular. Embarrassed by: The fact that her parents don’t love her and she can’t work out why. Driving Style: Wild, anxious and erratic. Screams a lot, particularly when navigating busy junctions or highways. Strong Points: Exuberant, good-willed for the majority, quick-witted, sociable, charming, imaginative and resilient. Temperament: Ridiculously animated and sunshine bright, usually. Attitude: Same as above, except she can sometimes be unintentionally rude in the name of humour and not realise just how insensitive she’s being. Weakness: Her stubborn refusal to let anyone hear what she’s actually thinking in terms of serious matters. Considering she talks so much, it’s amazing just how little she actually says. Fears: Loneliness. Irrelevancy. The death of a loved one.  Phobias: Pigeons and blood. Secrets: Her sex addiction. Regrets: Letting Caleb sign up to the army without putting up more of a fight. Feels Vulnerable When: Someone asks her something personal about herself. Pet Peeves: Bad breath, poor sense of personal hygiene, making a commitment. Sexuality: Pan-sexual. Exercise Routine: She has a lot of ballet rehearsals and training weekly, so that along with a vigorous (to put it lightly) sex life keep her well in shape. Day or Night Person: Both. Introvert or Extrovert: Extrovert.  Optimist or Pessimist: Optimist. 

LIKES AND PREFERENCES

Music: Synth-pop and disco, mostly. She also loves early 2000′s classics, e.g. Britney, Robyn. She also selectively listens to classic rock records as a result of her father’s influence. Books: Lana isn’t particularly a huge reader, although she used to be obsessive over the Twilight books during her early teens. Magazines: Any trashy celebrity magazine, Lana loves to flip through. She’s a fiend for salacious gossip and anything that discusses the wild escapades of Lindsay Lohan. Foods: Lana eats anything and everything. She particularly loves Greek yogurt mixed in with honey, though, as well as any kind of candy. She has a big sweet tooth. Drinks: Again, she’s pretty flexible in this department. She really likes cherry cola, though. Animals: Lana’s a big dog person. She also has always had an affinity for sloths because she loves how slow they move and how long their arms are. Sports: Dance. Gymnastics, briefly, when she was younger, as well as cheer, but currently she only actively pursues dance, ballet in particular. Social Issues: She thinks Trump is ugly and is a big advocate for trans-sectional feminism. Favorite Saying: Country booooyyeee, ah luuuurve yew... Color: Red. Clothing: Seventies style, Penny Lane inspired jackets with fur fringed cuffs. Any kind of boldly coloured fur coat, actually. Glittery boots. Spaghetti strap mini’s. Shrunken cartoon t-shirts that wear like a crop. Anything flamboyant and colourful, Lana loves. She dresses a lot like Cher from Clueless, Rachel Green from the early Friends seasons and Brittany Murphy’s character in Uptown Girls. Jewelry: None in particular. Games: She used to always play Saints Row when she was younger. Websites: Twitter, Tumblr, Vine and PornHub. TV Shows: Girlboss and Sex in the City. Movies: Almost Famous, Heathers and Stand By Me. Greatest Want: To be the centre of someone’s world. Greatest Need: For somebody to show that they care.

LIFESTYLE

Home: Currently lives in her sorority house. Household furnishings: Her room has lots of fluffy cushions, a hamburger on-the-cord phone like Ellen Page’s in Juno, a holographic vinyl record player from Urban Outfitters. She also has a whole bunch of fairy lights and a neon mood light. Lots of feather boa’s and strange costume pieces strewn around as well as scantily clad lingerie. Very aesthetically pleasing, very messy, very Tumblr. Favorite Possession: A stack of polaroids her and Frankie have amassed over their many wild adventures. Neighborhood: Rochester. Town or City Name: New York. Married Before: No. Significant Other Before: She’s had a whole string of exes, each one equally awful. Lana settles for pretty much anyone, as long as they pay her attention. She doesn’t really believe she deserves much more. Children: N/A. Relationship with Family: Strained. Her parents do their best never to talk to her. She does her best to keep in contact with Caleb, but he prefers to isolate himself and self destruct rather than seek her help. Car: None, although she keeps test driving a vintage Cadillac and has her eye on buying it, despite the impracticality of the purchase. Pets: None. Career: Student. Salary: N/A. Other Income: N/A. Dream Career: Professional ballet dancer. She dreams of performing as the black swan. Dream Life: One furnished with close friends and family, all of which actually value her presence. She wouldn’t have to struggle with a sex addiction in an ideal world, either. Sex could be something treasured and intimate, not something she feels a compulsion to tick off a list. Love Life: On the rocks with Teddy and battling a whole fistful of crushes on just about everyone she’s close to. In other words, a mess. Sexual Turn Ons: Assertiveness, teasing, exhibitionism. Sexual Turn Offs: Constantly asking if she’s enjoying herself, awkwardness, any amount of romance. Hobbies: Ballet, cruising Craigslist for sex ads with strangers, aimlessly tapping through Omegle chats, shopping, going to parties. Guilty Pleasure: She knows all of the words and choreography to the Hoedown Throwdown by Hannah Montana. Sports or Clubs: Ballet. Talents or Skills: Ballet, networking. Intelligence Level: While she isn’t particularly book smart, Lana is thoroughly creative and a great people person. 

The ‘Self-Help’ Problem

“Self-Help”. Hearing that term will probably make you think of TED talks, Tony Robbins seminars and meditation. I assume you already know what self help is, but if not, it’s basically a word used to describe a genre of material that involves giving people advice in different areas of life and providing information regarding one’s own self-development and wellbeing. It’s a very broad genre that deals with what it’s name suggests: Helping yourself. In this post I want to talk about the most common trap that people (myself included) often run into with this material. I’ve been on my own journey with this stuff and I will say now that, although there a lot of problems with this material, it can also provide a lot useful tools that are backed up by psychology and scientific recognition. Although it looks like it, this isn’t going to be a biased rant with me bashing this industry with everything I have. In fact, I still use some of the things I’ve learnt from this material in my life today with great results. This will be me talking about the common pitfall people run into with this material and I’ll use my own experience as an example.

First of, let’s break down this term “Self-Help”. This word implies that you: your self, needs ‘help’. It implies that you have a problem and need help with it. That you are not good right now and that you need help make yourself good. You have an issue with yourself, so logically, you need ’self help’. Off to a great start, right? Let’s paint a picture to illustrate my point here. Imagine a guy. This guy’s name is Luke. Luke has a severe case of social anxiety, realises it and begins reading self help books on how to overcome social anxiety. Logical right? Luke reads these books, feels motivated and decides to go to a bar and talk to people. He gets to the bar and his mind is going blank and crazy at the same time. He sits down anxiously while looking for a group or person to approach. As time goes by his anxiety increases, nerves are on overdrive and starts to sweat heavily. His heart is going faster than Usain bolt. His entire physiology is saying ‘this is scary, we have to get out of here!’. He tells himself ’this is a mistake, I can’t do this’ and decides to go home. He drives home with what feels like a tidal wave of shame and regret to come over him. Thoughts of self-doubt overwhelm him at the same time. After these thoughts and feelings, he thinks: ‘maybe those books I read were shit?’, ‘maybe I should try looking at some better stuff on Youtube?’. So he does. He watches some random YouTube videos that deal with social anxiety and once again, gets motivation to go out and approach people. You already know what happens. He once again feels overwhelmed by anxiety, wimps out, drives home with shameful feelings, only to seek out more self help material. Maybe he goes into depression, thinking he will never ‘beat’ his anxiety. Whats actually happening here is his belief that his social anxiety is a problem is reinforcing itself, ultimately affecting how he views himself. He never stops to say: ‘what if having social anxiety is OK and in the end, that makes me OK?’ What if Luke takes a second to stop trying to change himself, stops trying to find the perfect book on how to ‘fix’ himself and just accept himself? Howbowdeh!? This is the common problem I’m talking about: The lack of unconditional self-acceptance. Right now I’m studying Psychology & Counselling and I’ve learnt some interesting things about therapy and different therapeutic modalities. So far, my favourite psychologist I’ve learnt about is Carl Rogers. My guy Carl Rogers founded a modality in counselling known as ‘Person centred therapy’. It is based around many principles but one of them is a condition known as ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’. This refers to the therapist unconditionally accepting the client as they are, as opposed to accepting them under certain conditions. His theory here was that if the therapist demonstrates unconditional acceptance to the client, they are likely to accept themselves which would allow them to comprehend their issues effectively. I’ve personally experienced this when I went to see a psychologist, seen video footage of sessions where this is demonstrated and read about it in countless text books. I’d say it works! So let’s go back to the example of Luke. If Luke did end up accepting himself unconditionally, and accepted that being socially anxious is fine and that he doesn’t need to be ‘fixed', wouldn’t he be more likely to feel comfortable in social situations? Right now, he’s basically telling himself “being socially anxious is a problem and therefore I cannot be myself” His entire self concept revolves around trying to be confident in social situations, which always reinforces the idea that he isn’t when he becomes anxious. The thing I want to express most here is that, once upon a time, I was Luke. I mean, my social anxiety was not as extreme as his, but it still caused me to struggle with confidence and self-esteem. I would read book after book, article after article, trying to ‘fix myself’. I worked overtime to become the super confident, extroverted badass who everybody liked and was friends with and repressed any uncomfortable emotions I’d feel regarding my awkwardness. Among other issues, it led to me getting depression symptoms and motivated me to see a therapist to find out why I was bombarded with negative thoughts and emotions. Turns out, accepting myself was all I had to freaking do! Though, accepting your imperfections is far from the easiest thing in the world, it was easily one of the most liberating things I could have ever done. The message here? You don’t need to be fixed! There’s nothing wrong with you! I don’t care if you’ve been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, PTSD and OCD. I don’t care if you literally shit your pants every time you go to a party where you know people. Realise there’s nothing to fix or work on. There’s no magic book, article, seminar, life coach, weekend retreat, TED talk, meditation routine, NLP course or YouTube video that is going to make you ’normal'! Realise those imperfections make you incredible, unique and great. Own that aspect of yourself, retrain your mind to see the greatness in your imperfections and watch progress unfold (and all the money you’ll save!). 

Another thing I want speak on regarding self help is two mindsets: The first one is this “just be positive and say 10 affirmations in the mirror every morning” mindset’. The second is the “just be confident and you’ll get everything you want in your life” type ideology the general majority of self help content preaches. Every second self help book, article, YouTube video will pump you with this idea that if you are feeling negative emotions and don’t feel confident in yourself, the answer is simple: focus on the positive! Duh! Feeling depressed about losing your job, your dog dying and your recent break-up? Simple! Just say positive affirmations like “I am good enough and deserve everything good in life” every morning in the mirror while smiling because that will make you happy! Problem solved! Happy days, come at me! If you can’t tell by the tone here, I’m being sarcastic. For you to tell someone who is depressed and has a hopeless outlook in life to just say some positive things, focus on the positive to try and change their feelings is counter-productive. The more that person tries to focus on being positive, the more they are reminded that they’re depressed and have negative thoughts, making it worse! To focus on what you ‘don’t have' in order to get away from what you have right now is going to only reinforce a ‘scarcity mindset’. It’s you saying “I don’t have this thing right now and I need it to be OK with myself”. It’s going back to what I said in the previous paragraph: Rejecting your current state as not being good enough just reinforces your current state as not being good enough even more. It becomes a paradox: The more you reject a negative state of being, the more it will persist. Oooh, don’t you love paradoxes?! Negative states of being are one of those things that need to be experienced and embraced, no matter how uncomfortable they are. They need to be accepted (there’s that word again!). You ask anyone who has been through an epically painful experience and they will likely say something along the lines of: "It was hard to go through that, but I’m thankful I did because it made me stronger/better/confident etc.” Ok, that might be a generalisation, but I’ve heard this enough times from others and tell myself this all the time regarding certain experiences. So now the bullshit “acting confident even if you’re not is the ticket to kicking ass in life” mindset. Before I go into this, can I just say, confidence has to be one of the most ambigous concepts regarding human behaviour. How do you measure confidence? What does a confident person act like? These questions plagued me in a good portion of my 20’s. At one point, I came to a conclusion that confidence is measured by how much you talk. It’s how extraverted you act in social scenarios. It’s how much you can prove you don’t care. It’s how indifferent you are in relation to things happening to you, good or bad. I walked around for a good 7-8 years believing this. Can you blame me? Our society pumps us with this notion that confidence is basically you being overly sure of yourself, super-talkative and indifferent on an obnoxious scale. Yeah, that’s what confidence is! Of course! Thank you society!  If I went to parties or a social gathering and acted like that (which I have, mind you!), you best believe people are going to cringe so hard their facial muscles will be getting a workout! For self help to communicate the repetitive message of ’the key is to just be confident’ is stupid on too many levels to even fathom. In my experience, confidence come's from failing over and over, till you reach the point where you have experience and just know what to do - because you’ve done it a million times. Note the keyword in that last sentence: Failing. Another keyword: Experience. If we want to make a logical formula for confidence it would go something like: Repeated failure = Experience = Confidence. Howbowdeh!? "But I want examples, Aden!” Of course you do. When I started taking exercise seriously, I went through a period of 4-5 years where I would: Lose the weight I wanted, get too comfortable with food, put on more than weight I lost before, get motivated again and repeat the cycle. At first I wasn’t ‘confident’ in how to lose weight. There were so many things that contributed to weight loss that it confused me: What types of food do I eat? how much of it do I have? What exercises do I need to do? . I repeated this cycle where I would get success and inevitably ‘fail’ enough times to the point where I just knew I could lose weight if I ever put it on again. Cut calories, salt, sugar, dense carbs. Have lower portion meals and increase high intensity cardio mixed with some muscle building workouts. In the formula, It would look like: Gain weight (Repeated Failure) = Learn how to lose weight (Experience) = Confidence in losing weight/gaining muscle. All of this can be summed up by saying: "Get comfortable with failing and you’ll become confident". Repeating that: You’ll ‘become’ confident. As in, you’ll just be confident and not have to worry about whether you are or not. Self help says: "You’ll become confident when you start ACTING like it”. See that word? Acting? That implies that you're not confident, so if you have to act confident, that reinforces the reality that you’re not confident. Awesome, my guy. Go through life like that and see what happens. ‘Fake it till you make it’ is the common saying. "But Aden, failing over and over just to be confident is going to be hard, draining, not to mention it will take forever!" I get it. Obviously, failing over and over again is not easy. It’s not sexy. It’s not quick and convenient . If there’s one thing self help content will try to sell you is ‘quick and convenient’, short term tactics to get results. My hypothesis? You already know. Be happy with failing. Treat failures as essential lessons for 'next time’. Learn ’the hard way’. Extract the ‘gift' out of every experience, good or bad. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

To sum up this whole post: First, Accept yourself and negative states unconditionally, other wise you’ll end up chasing a false illusion of happiness. Second, learn things the hard way: Through honest experience and taking the lessons from those experiences to gain confidence, as opposed to copying what you perceive a confident person does. I’ll also take this time to say that, while most self-help can border around the naive and unrealistic, I’d recommend looking into authors that are categorised as ’self help’ but are actually geared towards the things I spoke about in this post - self acceptance and congruence. Mark Manson, the author of a book you’ve probably seen in book shops called ’The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***’, is probably one of the most popular to reject these notions of obnoxious, positivity escapism and incongruent confidence ideas. The Subtle Art and his book for men regarding dating and relationships titled Models have been key since I’ve practiced self-acceptance and let go of toxic self help ideology. 

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”

- Carl Rogers

Submission from America

My life is a spiraling mess, From my point of view. I’m extremely young and just growing into adulthood I’m scared, freaking out and I want to change my habits so that I can live a happy life and enjoy everything I do. I’m not all that confident with my physical nor mental health in a sense however I’m amazing and I’m not afraid to show it. I’m an extraordinary student can you can tell my looking at my grades (straight A’s) or asking any teacher. I’m quite talented and can do anything you ask me too, one of my biggest passion’s is art and I can do just about anything. I’m a sophomore this year going into junior year of high school I’m very mature and have been through sh*t , my dad cheated on my mom and left us 3 years ago and so now my mom works full time in a hotel and of course me being the oldest I get all the hard work. I’ve always taken honors and this year I took an AP class and I’m signed up for 5 AP classes next year!! I’m very intelligent, responsible, and respectful. This summer I want to become a better person so that my life will flow smoother. I’m a little disorganized and I do have major anger issues that I can seem to get past. I want to be more social for I’m quite an ani-social person I want to be fun prosperous and just the type of person that anyone would want to be with. I want to go to stanford university in my future but I know that will take lots of work to get too. I mean come on the average GPA to get in is a 4.18 again not impossible to achieve but fu*k bro that’s going to kill me. I will literally need to be not human to be become such a perfect person not to mention I’m expected to be an athlete too. Another thing about this is that I’m quite fat and big and I dont feel nothing confident about that, well mostly but I do like my hips and legs plus my breast but other than that I have way too much fat and I can’t seem to find any rhythm to being able to start losing weight I come from a semi rich family and I can’t say that I have totally ugly features in fact I might be better looking than most.😂😔 sorry that was probably rude and now please any advice? - America

Hi darling,

You definitely are young still! You’ve talked about a lot of different things (which is completely okay by the way!), so I’ll address each point separately. I hope that’s okay with you. First of all, I do want to let you know that it’s okay to be scared about growing up. It’s really good that you want to live a happy life and enjoy everything you do, but I also think it’s important not to put too much pressure on it. You see, when you’re focusing on how and what to change to live a really happy life, you might miss out on the happy life you’re living now. It might not be as happy as what it can be after change, but it can still be enjoyable! And I also think it’s good to keep in mind that the perfect life doesn’t exist. It’s okay if there are some things in your life that are upsetting, as long as they are small and manageable! And the overall feeling you get from your life is positive.

I think it’s absolutely amazing that you can see the good qualities you have! Definitely keep that up!! You’re doing really well in school and that’s absolutely amazing. However the prospect of university and the requirements for that can be extremely stressful. There’s something about averages though that’s really good to keep in mind. It is an average number. That means that there are higher numbers but also lower numbers. More importantly is that admission won’t only be about your GPA, but also about the letter you write and what your resume looks like. If you can show in that letter and/or on your resume why that school can benefit from having you as a student, that can matter more than your GPA. Of course it will need to be at a certain level, but it won’t have to be the average number. I hope that at least can give you some kind of reassurance! Other than that I think it’s important to do your best, but to also have a close eye on how this ‘doing your best’ is affecting you. If you feel like it’s getting too much, or for example if it’s causing perfectionistic tendencies, then you need to take it slow for a while. I always tried to do my best, but since I struggled with perfectionism, I never felt like I was quite there yet, and this affected me really negatively, to the point of eventually not being able to do my schoolwork at all anymore because of depression. I just want to prevent that from happening to you! Maybe it can help to always make some kind of studying schedule that you stick to, so that you don’t get overboard. And I think a good golden rule is to not let it affect your sleeping pattern. You gotta sleep when you gotta sleep! One of the biggest mistakes I made was working through the night.

I’m sorry to hear about what happened in your family lovely. It definitely does sound difficult to go through, not only because now you have to do all the work at home, but also emotionally! How are you dealing with that lovely? Do you think it’s something you’ve processed already, the fact that your dad cheated and left, or is it still a painful topic to think and/or talk about? If the latter is the case, then I think it would be really good for you to speak to someone (maybe the school counsellor?) about this! It’s something that you need to work through. Sometimes it can seem appealing to just push it all away, but eventually it’s going to come up and it’s so much better to deal with it sooner rather than later.

Organising things can be really stressful sometimes. I don’t know in what way you’re disorganised, so I’m just going to give a bunch of suggestions. First of all, make sure you have a diary so that you can write down any deadlines, appointments, or anything like that. Then it can be good to invest in a planner. I have one that works week by week. So if I have a deadline coming up, I’ll write down when I want to start, and when I want to finish bit by bit. I always divide projects, or any assignment really, into small bits because then it seems more doable. Then I look at the due date, count how many bits I have, and count back, including one or more extra ‘catch up’ days. Then I know at what date I need to start the latest. I also found it really helpful to stick to certain routines. So I’ll have a little shower routine, I have a before bed routine, etc. The thing with these routines is that if I stick to them, my room will be less messy, which gives me a more organised feeling and actually helps me stay more organised!

Dealing with anger can be really difficult from time to time! We have a page on anger management here, so you might want to check that out! If it’s a major problem, I do really recommend you to speak to a professional about it though. They can help you more to manage it all better, or maybe even to reduce the problems, by finding the source of where all that anger is coming from and processing that. You can read more about getting help here.

Being social is something a lot of people expect of themselves. Sometimes I’ll look at some of my friends, and I wish I was as social as them. But then I realise that I’m an introvert and they’re an extrovert, and it just isn’t going to happen. Being in social situations drains me, and that’s something I’ve had to accept. Of course being alone all the time isn’t good either, but I know that I need to find a good balance between the two. I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay if you’re not the most social person, as long as there’s some kind of balance and it’s something you can grow to be okay with.

You say you’re expected to be an athlete too. Who is expecting this of you lovely? Is it something you want as well? If it isn’t, then I think that really is something you need to let go. You already have a lot on your plate, and sometimes it just is too much to do all together! At those times it’s important you drop what matters least to you, not to anyone else. It’s your life, and you aren’t obligated to fulfil everyone’s expectations! They’re their expectations, but that doesn’t need to have an influence on how you live your life!

I’m glad to hear that there are parts of your body that you do like! Cherish that ❤ When it comes to losing weight, please go about it the healthy way, and when you do keep an eye on that it doesn’t turn into an obsession. I just really want you to be healthy and not go down the miserable path of an eating disorder, because trust me - they’re horrendous. Losing weight healthily can be done by eating healthier and exercising. It’s important to still eat three meals a day and have snacks in between, but do keep an eye on what you’re eating. For some people it also helps to have smaller portions, but that’s also something you need to be careful with, as when the portions are too small and you end up getting hungry before the next meal time, it’s going to get really difficult to stick to the meal plan.

You weren’t rude at all lovely! I really hope that you find this answer helpful, and please do let me know if there’s anything else I can help out with. I wish you all the luck in dealing with everything, I have faith in you.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful ❤

Love Pauline

monsta x personality (re-)analysis + mbti

I have a few questions in my inbox as you can see from a long time ago about this as I’ve voiced some disagreement with the personality analysis that was conducted in the last episode of Monsta X-Ray. Of course, I do not claim any authority on this as I am not an expert in psychology or MBTI, but in this post I’ll point out some of the things I felt were off about his analysis (especially when it comes to Kihyun + Hyungwon + Changkyun), which was for the most part on point, although not as insightful as I would’ve liked it to be. This will be long so it’s under the cut, let me know your thoughts if you read it! :>

His approach:

The psychologist got the boys to fill out a survey during their teaser shoot and observed them across the 5 broadcasted episodes. It’s assumed that the survey is actually an MBTI quiz (x), and based on the terms he used, I believe he typed them as follows:

Shownu: The Protector/INFJ (perhaps ISFJ)

Minhyuk: The Teacher/ENFJ

Kihyun: The Performer/ESFP

Hyungwon: The Healer/INFP

Jooheon: The Champion/ENFP

Changkyun: N/A (he did not seem to have typed our alien boy)

Wonho: The Healer/INFP

You’ll notice that with the exception of Changkyun who he didn’t type, he typed every single member as a Feeler, which is strange to me.

So this is how I would type them:

Shownu: ISFJ

Minhyuk: ENTP

Kihyun: xSTJ 

Hyungwon: INxP

Jooheon: ESFJ

Changkyun: INTJ

Wonho: ENFJ

It’s similar, but there are some important differences I’d like to point out. I’ll go through what he said about each member and point out these places of difference.

Shownu

Shownu is the authority type behind the king. A person with this type of personality doesn’t really like going forward. It’s uncomfortable for him to be in the front-lines. He has a lot of stress as the leader and is under a lot of pressure, but he tries to do well in everything. The good news is that despite the high level of stress, he’s not very depressed. We can say that he’s good at self-management. He’s a father figure, but fathers are not fathers because they are strong. Members should ask him about himself first, instead of making decisions about how he feels.

I don’t have any major problems with this, but I would say he’s closer to an ISFJ than an INFJ. The leading cognitive function of the ISFJ is Si (introverted sensing) – this makes the ISFJ a lot more traditional, preferring to draw from past experiences rather than try to gather patterns and connections in the world + look beyond the surface the way the INFJ, with their Ni (introverted intuition) tend to.

Minhyuk

Minhyuk is the most outgoing member. He’s an eloquent speaker, a good MC-like leader. But he’s always double-checking without realising, asking “is this enough?” because he views things from different angles. Minhyuk interrupted to say that he doesn’t like this part of him because “I could just let it go, but I care about it and get stressed out when I think ‘why did I do that?’”. The psychologist replied that it is only a weakness if he sees it as a weakness and compares himself to others.

Again, no major qualms, because no significant points were really raised ?? and the revelation came mostly from Minhyuk himself rather than the psychologist. I feel like the analysis offered wasn’t very insightful. As opposed to an ENFJ, I think Minhyuk is more likely an ENTP (x) – he isn’t much of a planner (so I can’t see him having a Judging function) and reacts to everything very quickly + with a lot of efficiency. He has a lot of #regret (x) and likes to ruminate on things – in other words his own impulsiveness makes him suffer a lot because he really, really really cares. Of all the types, the ENTP is probably the best speaker (known as ‘The Debater’) and I feel like this reflects Minhyuk since he never shuts up a lot more than the ENFJ personality type. I do like the advice he was given though and I think if Minhyuk took it on board it would help him significantly.

Kihyun

Kihyun is someone who goes well with any member. He socialises with both his body (actions + natural skinship) and his emotions. However, a social person is likely to lose his temper – but this temper never lasts long and he doesn’t hold grudges, which makes him good at cooperating with everyone. Minhyuk says this is annoying because if he holds grudges, they can talk it out and let it go, but Kihyun just pours it out (”It’s really sneaky!”). Kihyun replies “When I do something, I have my own standards. I get stressed out, I have to wipe it clean when something’s been spilled.” He says he feels comfortable when he does that. Wonho chimes in saying “the problem is that he could’ve just cleaned it [the mess/spillage], but instead he tests me for three days”. Minhyuk adds “even after we clean it he still talks about it and feels great joy at the fact that he’s talking about it. And he cleans. And then he says something after he’s done. He emphasises what kind of favour he’s done.” The psychologist defends Kihyun by saying that he’s not doing it to boast or to make himself look good, but for the sake of the team, he does it with a good heart. If he didn’t care about them, he wouldn’t do it.

Okay, so you can see from this the insight we have into Kihyun comes more from the members’ anecdotes than from the psychologist himself lmao. Firstly… I don’t think Kihyun is that extroverted? He only appears that way because he’s comfortable with the members now. You all still remember the Yoo Kihyun of No.Mercy, who, despite having a big heart, was one of the most self-preserving and ruthless contestants – his collaborative stage with Shownu was a failure because the two of them were unable to work together as a team, and Shownu was sent to elimination because the song they chose gave Kihyun the advantage. I think Kihyun takes a while to open up, and it’s only once he’s comfortable that he develops those strange maternal instincts that we all love seeing in him. You’ll see that in unfamiliar situations where he’s with people he meets for the first time, he comes across as a lot lot lot more introverted and he’s careful about how he’s perceived (x). This is why I’m hesitant to type him as extroverted, especially with the added introspectiveness I see in him, he actually feels closer to an introvert to me (very borderline though!). Secondly, I feel like the conclusion we’re inclined to draw from the members’ anecdotes is simply that… well, Kihyun is petty. He likes to have his successes known and praised. He has a good heart but he really, really likes being praised and validated for his actions. Lastly, it’s strange to me that the psychologist pointed out Kihyun’s “natural skinship” when there is one Lee Minhyuk on the team, practically always draped over in physical proximity with another member… in my observations half of MX is more inclined to skinship than Kihyun is – Kihyun’s skinship is very safe and subtle.

Hyungwon

Hyungwon is diligent in everything he does, a good role model. He has a spirit and guts. He’s the type to not like something at first but end up working hard on it regardless.

This one was so wack even Kihyun was like “this is strange even for you [Hyungwon], right?”. There is no such thing as a lazy idol, and I do agree that Hyungwon gives it his all once he begins something, but this is not something I would really define his personality by? In fact, I think Hyungwon has the least self control out of all the members, as Minhyuk suggested in the radio broadcast he did with Kihyun – one of Hyungwon’s flaws is that he tends to excuse himself by saying ‘it’s okay’ (this was in the context of oversleeping). Hyungwon is actually one of the least understood members because he’s very quiet and often people never really bother getting to know him behind his being a “meme”. I typed him as INTP in the past but I’m leaning more towards INFP at the moment, because I’ve come to see him as more emotional than I originally thought (see: crying when he watched Produce 101, sentimental birthday messages that carry the weight of a lot of feelings, the general sweet + gentle way he interacts with fans). He’s often not obvious about his feelings (in the way that someone like Wonho is) but it is clear to everyone that he’s a very patient and kind person.

Jooheon

Jooheon has a spark type personality which is perfect for a rapper. He’s like an energiser battery for the team. As proof of this, he fit really well in the role of the dog and really spiced it up with comedy. He started it out small but as he felt better he began to enjoy the role. The negative trait associated with this personality is their ability to hold grudges. 

No major problems with this. I feel like the general consensus on Jooheon in the fandom is precisely this: an energetic and bright boy who works relentlessly for the sake of the team. But Jooheon, to me, is actually one of the most serious members. He has a very strong sense of duty – watching Monsta X-Ray, and really any show he’s appeared on, you’ll see that while he has fun, this is always secondary to what he perceives as a “task”, e.g. the way he kept working at the horse stable without taking a break, the way he catered to fans in his two hours of free time, and generally speaking how serious he is about music – more than any member. Hence, rather than an ENFP who values freedom and independence, I feel like Jooheon is closer to an ESFJ – much more aligned with tradition and duty. He also has an ability to translate ideas into practice (making music being the primary example) – which is demonstrative of a Sensing + Judging combo.

Changkyun

I.M is the most flexible, and the most adaptable to change. He’s very curious about everything and quite ambitious. He wants to do a lot. He enjoyed being the mafia because it’s a special role. His top priority is pleasure. Changkyun asked the psychologist whether he was a thinker or a feeler (as his mother is emotional and his dad tends to be more rational) and the psychologist replied “you’re born with your mother’s brain but you can acquire your father’s brain so it’s a mix”, concluding with the statement that “it’s not important who you take after, but you should know you have both in you.”

I found this analysis the strangest – it seems like the psychologist avoided answering his question because he was not able to type him properly, perhaps because he’s a very balanced thinker/feeler. I disagree with the fact that Changkyun is the most flexible/adaptable too, because to me it seems that his anxiety is very obvious when he’s put on the spot. He is visibly very stressed whenever he’s asked to translate, or do anything that requires immediate improvisation – there’s some degree of performance anxiety here, he hates having to do things he’s not rehearsed extensively for, a mark of perfectionism. He’s not a good speaker but he’s very very very perceptive and can often chime in with something interesting/funny/insightful because he’s super witty, but you’ll never catch him speaking for a long time unless he’s prepared what he’s going to say. The ambition thing is super spot-on though, self-improvement is always the end goal. He’s competitive and he hates losing (+any perceived failure), especially losing as a result of injustice. The example I have in mind is Changkyun sulking for 5 years after losing archery at ISAC due to a malfunctioning bow. He had to explain this to everyone because he doesn’t like being seen as incompetent. All of this is very, very INTJ to me. I don’t think he cares about “pleasure” as much as he cares about success.

Wonho

Also a Joan-of-Arc type personality (same as Hyungwon). He’s emotional and feminine but possesses a brilliant intellect. These types are often designers (Wonho is fashionable, he designed their team coat for example). At the day care centre Wonho was sensitive to the children’s needs and played on their level (as an equal). He seems to have an interest in volunteer work (Hyungwon confirmed this by saying Wonho does actually do voluntary work when he’s not busy with schedules). He finds helping others therapeutic – it stabilises his mentality. His way of playing with the kids showed that he was lonely and also wants to be looked after + given a hug. Wonho’s self-esteem has fallen.

I feel incredibly ambivalent about this analysis. While it is true that Wonho is very sensitive and wears his heart on his sleeve, I don’t like the posturing of emotional/feminine vs rational/intellectual(/implicitly masculine) which has been… a running dualism throughout this entire thing, and the way “but he’s smart!!!!” had to be added as if being an emotional man made you less intelligent. Aside from that, I want to point out that Wonho is not a frail, vulnerable human being who crumbles at the slightest bit of emotional damage, and he certainly doesn’t need to be babied (which I felt like… was the majority of responses to this analysis). Sensitivity and emotional openness are really strengths, not weaknesses – it takes courage and integrity to be an open book. Sometimes he exhibits an over-reliance on external validation (e.g. first win, how much he perceives he’s helped other people) to prove his self worth, but I still think that fundamentally Wonho knows himself very well – knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to reach for it. He’s a very selfless person with a strong sense of self. I think he’s an ENFJ for this reason, here’s an extra analysis from a while ago.

TL;DR

Although the psychologist offered some interesting analysis, I still feel like it’s ultimately up to the fans to scrutinise what he’s said as we’ve known MX for much longer and seen them under different contexts. We learn more from watching the members interact with each other, expose each other (ahem KiHyuk) and share stories about each other than we ever could from an ~objective~ outsider analysis based on a survey and a few episodes’ observation. It’s good to interpret things like this for ourselves.

The smoke settles to reveal TEN, also known as CHITTAPHON LEECHAIYAPORNKUL, a 21 year old water-aligned fae of Sunseong. He is a convenience store cashier who appears to be adept in water magic – but like most things in Sunseong, there seems to be more to he than meets the eye.

FACECLAIM: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, NCT

APPEARANCE:

most of the time, ten just looks like.. a really pretty thai human. that’s about it. however when he’s too lazy to shapeshift or his environment allows him to not have to, he adopts the characteristics of the type of fae humans first think of when they hear the word. in his true form he appears almost glowing at times, with translucent wings of water carved patterns sprouting from his back. as he especially dotes on the vast oceans and the seas it’s no surprise that he moves with the agility of liquid with his wings and he wears a headpiece (almost like a crown) of flowers held together by water.

BIOGRAPHY:

he’s born when the water is still.

okay no, scratch that. see, ten knows that he can’t really say he’s born when he’s the creation of a ritual where his ‘mother’ and ‘father’ fused their magics together (bam, he’s born). but his parents tell him to say that because he can’t exactly explain all of that to humans without them furrowing their eyebrows in confusion and mild shock. so he sticks to giving the same old fairy tale of his happy parents who met in some small village in thailand, fell in love and moved to korea to start a new life fresh in a new country which he thinks is a story most people would love to hear.

whatever though, it’s all cool what the humans think. because ten doesn’t like to go out to the wild packed areas of people, schools, bars, shops and all when he can have so much more serenity at the peaceful beaches and lakes. his own sort of freedom is kind of demolished when his parents (oh, the human loving faes they are) tell him that he needs to appear more normal to the ahjumma neighbors who always ask a) where their pretty son is and b) why he never comes out. answer to a) he’s always near the lakes and b) ten, unsurprisingly, doesn’t like humans as much as his parents do.

maybe, just maybe, his dislike for humans have got something to do with an incident when he was around fourteen.

the forest was quiet, like it always was in its own nostalgic sort of way. ten wasn’t that good at his illusions yet (he was a kid, give him a break) and he felt at ease. it was only natural for him to unfurl his wings and allow his headpiece to rest atop his head like it belonged nowhere else. nobody ever went close to the sea like he did, knees tucked in and chin resting on them, careful eyes following the agile movement of the waves like usual. he was enthralled. so enthralled that he didn’t hear the footsteps behind him.

a gasp caused him to turn in a panic and the eyes that had been watching the ocean locked with the eyes of a girl, seemingly around the same age as him. she blinked, lifted up a finger to point at him and widened her eyes. just when he thought he had to bolt, her lips curled up in a pretty smile at him. ten, taken aback at the unusual politeness, forms the beginning of the words ‘hello’ when the same girl’s smile turns wicked and she lets out a shout.

“guys, look, i found a freak!”

ten still hates the word to this day, seven years later, and it echoes in his head like a neverending mantra. a resentment builds inside him when he remembers the laughter as other people his age surrounded him, prodding and poking at him before he was forced to get chased throughout the very same place he had felt so calm at.

so yeah, he’s not the biggest fan of humans even though he’s forced to adapt to them. for now, though, ten keeps it hidden under a crescent moon shaped eye smile and his accented polite korean words. he’s learnt how etiquette works, still, and he doesn’t tell his parents how he thinks they should stay more in touch with their fae sides because he knows that it’d be rude at the very least.

there’s only so much bitterness that can build up though at mistreatment, and all it could take is a simple flick to topple his resentment.

CHARACTERIZATION:

- 21 years of age, and has pretty much stopped growing when it comes to his appearance. people call him ten (the name he was given when he was born as a fae) but if people laugh and ask for his ‘real’ name, his human name is chittaphon leechaiyapornkul.

- quiet. introverted. murmurs a lot, soft sentences with accented korean, shy smiles and hesitant actions. your thai messed up second male lead in a kdrama, basically.

- everyday fashion is dark ripped jeans and dark oversized hoodies. these are clothes that he feels comfortable in to move about in the packed cities, because he knows his true fae form feels so much more free than human clothes will ever be able to accomplish. he’s kind of tired of halmeonis and ahjummas telling him he’s a pretty little thing, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like it.

- his parents like the human life more than he does. it’s not that they want to be human, but they really want the supernatural creatures and humans to live alongside each other so their views are kind of forced onto ten and he’s forced to adapt to human society even though all he wants to do is be a fae.

- he’s not rude, okay, just quiet and absorbed in his own thoughts. if you speak to him, it can sometimes take up to three minutes for him to realise someone said something and for him to hurriedly reply. at that point, he’s probably so flustered or you’re so confused that the conversation dies out quickly.

- pretty much just needs people to trust. he thinks (against his parents) that humans are basically one of the worst of the species and he’s a little scared of them, to say the least. but if someone was to show him that they’re not that bad, he might open up and be a little more extroverted than usual.

- when it comes to species besides faes.. he’s neutral unless they’ve done something awful. he’s not anybody’s biggest fan and doesn’t favour one type over another, but there can be times when he’s judgmental of others that aren’t faes.

SPECIALTIES:

water magic, rank ii (40 points) - ten’s in love with water, basically and gets his power from it. there’s a reason his wings look to be made from them, and why his movements flow like it too. he’s not a type of godly water nymph or something but he knows how to weave statues from water and to control it so that they lap over one another, appearing to be waves in the sea. however his power isn’t strong enough to create large storms, etc and he often uses it for his own (or other lesser fae’s) entertainment or just to watch the pretty ocean.

ward against fire, major (10 points) - his love and ability to manipulate water helps when it comes against fire, too. fire and water clash against each other and so ten, like any normal creature, does not like getting burnt. he has a ring that wraps around his fourth finger on his right hand in the shape of a water droplet and vines. it helps him from getting burnt too badly when the situation arises but it won’t protect him from a burning building and such as it only protects him from smaller fires.

ward against compulsion, major (10 points) - ten’s “parents” can’t help but be a little worried about him when he spends so much time deep in forests where they can’t locate him quickly or when they don’t know what trouble he’s in. most of all, they’re more worried he’ll be taken away or do something against his wishes (everybody knows vampires are out and about) so the ward comes in the form of a ringed earring that he often wears amongst countless other piercings in his ear. it’s strong enough to ward off basic to medium levels of compulsion from vampires, but if the vampire is particularly strong then the ward is pretty much useless. it also drains his energy to fight against compulsion.

(40 points unspent!)