...

So. Sit with me everyone. We agree that we need to stop worshipping a person or media on the sole grounds of being gay right. Can we finally agree that it's not homophobic to criticize gay ppl with large platforms. Can we finally actually learn to think critically abt how these ppl talk abt ppl outside of their immediate identities and to recognize that just because they say they aren't bigoted doesn't mean they aren't. Please.

I need more content about Chuuya. like, Soukoku is the bsd couple with more works on Ao3, the most loved of the whole fandom, there are over 20 thousand fanfictions. there are tons of edits and AMV about him on tiktok and youtube, tons of x reader and fanarts. but it's (almost) always the sweet and a little dumb Chuuya.

Chuuya who's in love with Dazai and is begging him not to leave, who's mad at him for leaving the fricking mafia and "abandoning him", who's crying about being the second choice for everyone (fuck that, especially the "kouyou chose kyouka over chuuya"- you're telling me she chose to protect a 14ys girl over a 22ys man who's a mafia executive? oh sorry she should have left the child alone my bad), who is constantly manipulated by Dazai and betrayed (and content like this is made by people who love Dazai but don't understand him one bit- like yeah he manipulated the Sheep into betraying Chuuya but the Sheep were fucking assholes who didn't deserve Chuuya, and Dazai treated him fucking better than them- don't let me get started ab them or I'll never stop), feminized Chuuya, short and skinny Chuuya who likes to be the little spoon cause Dazai is the big strong man, lonely Chuuya who doesn't have anyone and basically dumb Chuuya who doesn't understand Dazai and cries to his sleep ab him.

fuck no, and I've been reposting every post that talks ab this. we want more Stormbringer Chuuya, and we don't have him 'cause not everyone has access to the novel or wants to read it. but Stormbringer is my Bible and should be everyone's.

We want more 15 years old Chuuya who carried on his shoulder a whole organization, the same organization that treated him like a damned dog, who got betrayed by the people he was sacrificing himself for the moment he tried to do something for himself, who was tricked into joining the Port Mafia (an organization he hated), who's easily read and manipulated and is aware of it, who never gave up on his humanity and worked hard and became important and strong for his new organization in a year as a teenager, who was able to made Dazai survive, giving him some sort of will to live, after like days of knowing him.

We want constantly dehumanized 16 Chuuya that got tortured for hours, that found out about his terrible origins and past, who sacrificed fondamental information about himself to save Yokohama, that almost got himself killed protecting the same person who betrayed him and fought his "brother" in order to do so, that lose the friends he called family and the only chance he had to have a life outside the mafia. Desperate because of his family's death Chuuya, in his painful corrupted form Chuuya, putting his life in Dazai's hands Chuuya, the one who beated the King of Assassins Chuuya, the one who was able to destroy an entire organization with his partner Chuuya. Port Mafia Executive Chuuya, who became who he was because of himself and with Dazai's help, who was able to become stronger even without him. Chuuya who suffered because of Dazai's deflection but understood it.

22 Chuuya who met his ex-partner after four years, stronger than how Dazai remembered him and still able to surprise (Dazai's "how fast!" when Chuuya punched him was hilarious and empowering, especially after his "I know all your moves" talk- and no, we "heard" his thoughts, so it wasn't an act stop saying that he had predicted that too when chuuya's like one of the only ppl able to surprise him) one of the smartest people in their country, who made sure things didn't change between them and made said smart and manipulative man cry from laughing over his damned rich girl impression. Chuuya who is the best martial artist and probably strongest ability user (Q is a child, and his "fight" with Steinbeck said a lot about his strength- crazy yes, but Chuuya could still beat almost everyone even without his ability) in the mafia, who could probably smash a wall with and without For The Tainted Sorrow. The Chuuya who's able to survive in a world surrounded by geniuses who constantly try to manipulate him (Dazai's manipulation is different than Fyodor's shut up), and able to be one of the most influential man in Yokohama without being a freaking genius.

Chuuya who has one of the best character developments I've ever read. Chuuya who has about him a lot of information (more than anyone else, we know you love him Asagiri) (please don't love him the way you loved Odasaku) and still gets mischaracterized again and again. this is an infodump ab what Chuuya means to me.

send ao3 links ty

spread some love  💗

talk about your favourite mutuals and why you like them

IM JS gonna do ppl who i interact w the most okay </3

@obrigados - real question here is why do you not likw them 😖😖 fav of favs LIKE cá blog is ARTT if user obrigados has a million fans im one of them if user obrigados has a thousand fans im one of them if user obrigados has 1 fan THAT IS ME if the world is agaisnt cá I AM AGAINST THE WORLD obrigados fan till the day i die 🔛🔝 no one can compare !

@yeritos - oh june just gets me !!!!!!!! my nctzen twin ilysm ... 😞 I always yap to june (thats my bad !) n she always listens ☹️💖💖 js such a silly person their comments make me giggle very much also thee most breathtaking blog ever like how can you not love june they always make my day #junefanclub4life

@minslune - literally the sweetest person ever how could you not love my angel 😞 js so supportive n amazing n she always asks ab my day like #?! how cute could she get ☹️☹️ also such an ethereal blog I adore it very much ! ALWAYS MAKING ME SMILE EAR TO EAR LIKE sotp pls ilysm 😞😞💞💞💞

@wiotas - idk i just love < leo 3 SO MUCH they have my entire heart how can you not love them 💖💖😞 they always make my day n they also have such a beautiful blog like !!!! leo is simply the definition of perfect idk what to tell you ☹️

@koosuvi - literally gave me sm motivation thru my exam szn like I love mar so much :( literally the most supportive person ever n js so fun to talk to n sweet n amazing n everything 😖

@jeonzio - tee is literally the silliest person i know !!!! can truly embrace my inner silliness around her n i js love talking to her ITS SO FUN ☹️ (i miss yoy already come back plz i can feel my chest collapsing ...💔)

@fairytopea - ILU literally the best mb creator EVER im literally so obsessed w vini's mbs i could talk abt them ALL DAAAAY ! js soo creative n amazing everyone needs to take notes from user fairytopea NOWW

@y2qi - literally always makes my day like ... her comments make me smile SMM they're so silly istg getting a comment from nini is like a blessing 😖 also such a beautiful blog EVERYONE FOLLOW NINI RN

@jaes1lvr - I LOVE MELY 💞💞 no bc her blog is so underrated like her creativity when it comes to mbs is OUT OF THIS WORLD istg they're the prettiest thing ive laid my eyes on . i love them wholeheartedly n she deserves all the love in the world what can i say ! ALSOOO a purin AND jaehyun enthusiast ?? go follow her rn .

@f-loqweres - KARAPAN PUCCHI 🥹 we've had ... interesting .... conversations ! but i literally love them sm n they have such a special place in my heart <3 n jen js makes such GORGEOUS mbs likeeeee i could look at them forever ..... ilu jen

@gigittamic - GIGII 😖 literally the sweetest person ever , always drops by n sends smth cute in my inbox omg !!! also such a cute person her moodboards and dividers are thee cutest ever 💞 js such a creative person , i love her mwah

other ppl who are my favs ♡ @iwonbin , @thsv , @haenxn , @vivrhan , @y2jiz BUT we haven't rly interacted a lot so idk how to whip up a paragraph sorry 😞 (your sign to interact more yes yes idk how to start conversations) BUT I love all my mutuals smm , they're all very special to me !

OK HERE WE GO YALL ITS TIME FOR

ZEE’S FIRST SESSION

i had the ABSOLUTE HONOR of having my first session with @bunnygirltickles !! we met each other over thanksgiving break and found out we’re in the same state . and each haven’t had a session before . so .. THE REST WRITES ITSELF !!!

i legit prepared so much for this yall . i bought paintbrushes and baby oil, watched videos on how to give great massages for aftercare (I LITERALLY TOOK NOTES) , asked ppl for advice, etc.

on the evening of, i also bought some chocolate chip cookies for her as a gift and headed to her place !! after like an hour and missing my exit two times (im horrendous with directions) I MADE IT !! we hugged and chatted for a bit before deciding on somewhere nearby to pick up some food, then got back and ate while watching a movie :)

THEN . we finished eating and i noticed her like …staring at me .. and i realized. OH.. ITS TIME HUH .

you could tell we were both VERY NERVOUS AKSJSQ MY HEART WAS BEATING FAST IN ALL HONESTY . and we just kinda did a-

“soooo.. uh.. should we …?” 😳

i brought my switch to play Mario Kart since we talked about it a bit in dms (talked a lot of shit too 👹) and she mentioned loving the idea of tickle challenges ! so the first thing we did was a challenge where one person had to do a race while getting tickled and we see who does better/gets the faster time ! i think it was a good way to ease into everything :)

to sum it up tho i did way better than her and she’s mad ☺️

then we were pretty much just chilling on the sofa watching Christmas movies, and she had her feet in my lap .. and every now and then i would gently drag my fingers or one of the brushes up and down her feet and she’d squirm and giggle and it was the CUTEST!!!! and when i’d try to go for her tummy she’d just kinda melt off the couch and we’d end up on the floor and i’d tickle her everywhere and have tickle fights !!! (i’d win) i was a little mean here i won’t lie .. 😗 BUT IT WAS FUN !! it happened a couple times too :)

i slowly got more comfortable with saying teases too and i was pleasantly surprised :) (big worry i had) still a little tame tho .. i said things like “you have such a pretty laugh/smile” and “this is a bad spot huh?” and “good job” but i didn’t use any of the sweet nicknames some of y’all know so well, MAYBE NEXT TIME I’LL BE BOLDER !!

i got to pin her down, blow raspberries, used baby oil on her feet, she got away at one point and ran to the bathroom SO I HAD TO CHASE HER DOWN >:) it was super fun ..

her worst spots are definitely her tummy ESPECIALLY BELLY BUTTON, feet, inner thighs, and underarms 🤭 for me, she only tickled my tummy, underarms and feet BUT MY TUMMY AND UNDERARMS WERE PRETTY BAD AJWHSQJ . feet got some laughs but not as ticklish as i hoped they’d beeee ;(

finally i TRIED MY BEST to give her a good foot massage ! i never gave one before but i watched a lot of videos and i hope she enjoyed it ! she got super sleepy afterwards tho, so hopefully that’s a good sign :)

she’s an amazing person, so sweet for hosting, and i had such a great time with her!! this whole thing felt so surreal … I CANT WAIT TO HAVE MORE SESSIONS WITH OTHERS !! LOVE U ALL <333

(if u actually read this whole thing ur a real one and here’s a cookie 🍪)

Title: My muse<3- part 2

Prompt: Tanjiro realizes he loves you

Summary: Tanjiro realizes he loves you and goes to Mitsuri for advice on how to ask you out. After a fight with your father, Tanjiro asks you to be his girlfriend.

Genre: Fluff and hurt/comfort

Warning(s): Mentions of verbal abuse and gaslighting

Part 1

After being friends with you for awhile, Tanjiro realized just how much you meant to him. He saw Zenitsu trying to get you to marry him and that you were very uncomfortable. He came over and stood in front of you. “Zenitsu, you’re clearly making her very uncomfortable, leave her alone.” He said calmly, but with an angry look on his face. Zenitsu ran away, a scared look on his face. “Tanjiro you’re so scary!! Stop taking my chances at marriage!!!” He yelled while running. Tanjiro felt your arms snake around his waist. He blushed and turned around in your arms, a comforting smile graced his lips. You smiled softly up at him. “Thank you for getting him to leave.” He nodded. “No problem, I have to get him away from girls all the time.”

Tanjiro walked to Mitsuri’s art studio after school. “Hey Miss Kanroji?” Mitsuri jumped at the sound of Tanjiro’s voice. “Oh! Tanjiro! You scared me!” She said while giggling. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you..” Tanjiro said guiltily and she waved him off. “So what did you need?” She asked and Tanjiro smiled, blush covering his cheeks. “So there’s this girl.. she’s really kind, smart, shy.. and really pretty. I really love her and I want to ask her to be my girlfriend. Thing is, I don’t know how. Can you give me some advice?”Mitsuri squealed at his confession. “Awhhh!!! Who’s the lucky girl?!!” She asked and held his hands in her own. “(Y/N) (L/N)..” He said, his face went bright red and Mitsuri squealed and hugged Tanjiro.

Mitsuri gave Tanjiro her best advice and she told him what she knew about your father from rumors. “Tanjiro, I want you to know that what I’ve said about (Y/N)’s father may not be true, they’re just things I’ve heard.” Tanjiro frowned, hoping what Mitsuri said about your father wasn’t true. “For (Y/N)’s sake, I hope none of what you said is true. Though it would explain a lot…” The maroon haired boy said thoughtfully. “What do you mean? I haven’t talked to (Y/N) much so I don’t know much about her personality or anything.” Tanjiro nodded. “Well she’s really shy, especially when it comes to other people seeing her art. She’s also extremely apologetic. I’ve also noticed that sometimes when I or someone else makes a sudden movement she kinda jumps a little. It’s barely noticeable though.” He explained and Mitsuri frowned, feeling bad for you. “I hope she’s ok for the most part. I can’t even imagine my father saying stuff like that to me.” (Ik that most ppl aren’t shy bc of trauma but I’m incapable of writing pure fluff without angst, except for that one time lol)

You walked home, a small frown on your face. ‘I hope father isn’t too angry with me for staying behind a little longer than intended..” You walked into your house and saw your father asleep on the couch. You sighed, feeling slightly relieved but still worried. You quietly walked to your room then put your school stuff by your bed. You prepared dinner for you and your father. He woke up and walked into the kitchen. “When did you come home?” He asked, his gruff voice startling you. “30 minutes ago.. I didn’t wanna wake you up so that’s why I didn’t say anything.. I’m sorry father..” He sat down at the table with a grunt.

Your father noticed that you had gotten a text so he looked at your phone. His expression shifted from neutral to angry in a heartbeat. “Who’s Tanjiro?!” He yelled angrily and you flinched. “H-he’s a friend from school…” You walked over nervously to take your phone. Your father threw your phone across the room and it shattered. You ran to it, tears filled your (e/c) eyes. You picked up and it was completely broken. You tried to turn it on but it wouldn’t.

‘Why hasn’t she texted back yet? She usually texts me back immediately..’ Tanjiro thought worriedly. He checked his phone once again and the message still hadn’t been read.

~The next day~

You and Tanjiro ran into each other, the moment your tear-filled (e/c) eyes met his, he engulfed you in a hug. “I was so worried about you.. What happened?” You pulled away slightly so you could look at him. A tear escaped your eyes and you explained what your father had done. “I’m so sorry he did that, (Y/N)..” You nodded. “It’s ok Tanjiro.. What was the text you sent me?” He smiled softly and blushed. “I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend.” He explained, his gaze and voice so loving that it made your stomach flutter. You nodded, a look of awe on your face. “Yes, of course Tanjiro.. I love you.” You said and he kissed you on your soft, warm lips. “I love you too.” He said and you connected your lips to his and he smiled into the kiss.

~The end~

A/n: I hope y’all liked this little sequel!<3

If you have a request then go here!

HELP hi guys😆😊 I have a funny story to share(it has a serious topic(?) just anemia so don't worry too much abt that) it will probably be long idk and also it's the reason I didn't updated the megumi smau yesterday so I say blame the discordians!

ALSO why did I blink and saw that I have 441 followers it probably went up but I'm too lazy to check.

okay anyways so my friend and I have this small server on discord it was originally my kpop server I made back in 2022 bc I wanted txt friends but then we kinda shut it down last year AND NOW ITS BACK UP! so we talk a lot in that server and SHE ASKED ME to pretend to be boys on the Greg bot yk the phone bot thing! so I was like oh okay! BC PPL ALREADY THINK IM A BOY ON MY REGULAR ACC so I used my second acc and created a whole other person(his name is ezra and he's a bleach fan.) right and it was harmless when we went on the Greg bot right made some mini bro friends right! I think someone actually wanted us bc they asked for our ig but um anyways.

EVERYTHING WENT GOOD UNTIL these two girls.

to understand my story better I have to over share on some stuff. my race is black and I'm anemic so since yk that my story will make some sense.

firstly when we said hi I said "yo" bc idk boys say that and my friend she had gave up on being a boy I just continued bc being a boy is fun.. AND WHEN MY FRIEND SAID HI she was like "HELLO" and boom drama started BC APPARENTLY THEY WERE LIKE "ik this call abt to be ass" and started talking abt how she said hello in all caps and my username (it was fw.ez HELPME) and I didn't notice them talking abt my friend first and only saw when they talked abt my username so I was like "dang dawg I'm.not even a boy" bc i thought yk harmless prank! but apparently I was using the word "dawg" wrong? WHAT😱 AND THEN PROCEEDED TO CALL ME WHITE. WHITE PPL CANT USE THE WORD DAWG? AND THERES A RIGHT WAY? so I was confused at first then I understood what they meant and told them im black I think they short circuit but still carried on with their arguments so I got mad and my chest began to race bc my anemia sometimes affects my emotions and I will get a tad bit emotional! so um I couldn't think straight I wanted to tell them some very bad words in dialect but they wouldn't even understand me so I was like I bet yall annoying as hell and it shut them up apparently AND YK MY FRIRND WASNT EVEN ON DISCORD I HAD TO DEFEND FOR MYSELF AND HER AND SHE CAME BACK AND WAS LIKE what's happening. GIRL. I told her what was happening and she called them dumb HAHAHA anyways then we came off the phone but THANKS TO THEM I HAD A RACING HEART AND A SEMI WEAK BODY with cold fingers and toes so I couldn't do anything I was going to write a new chapter for the megs smau bc I forgot to do it eariler in the day but I couldn't even think straight so I was up until 4am😒 with a racin heart and random emotional changes with my mommy gossiping abt some game we play(romance club it's like episode but better i recommend that you play the story called song of the crimson nile hehehheheja) and now IM HOME FROM SCHOOL BC OF THEM🤨😒😒

lesson of the day- ignore THOSE discordians!😉

oh and um a megumi update later when I'm feeling better🤫😉😉

Didn’t Elton trash Colby’s first car and asked to show his wrists when he knew he was harming himself?

All in all. I watch both accounts but Elton is just crazy. I also think he’s desperate to prove himself and to prove the paranormal like Sam. But then again, they both want to spread a message. But they both differ I guess.

He was at the Hellfire 3 days after I went there. So crazy!

this turned into such a rant omg i'm so sorry

he did wreck colby's car, but a lot of us personally believe he actually just trashed a car that looked like colby's since in the end he "gave" colby a car that look suspiciously like his and was just slightly nicer looking.

and the wrist thing NEVER happened. i've had to reiterate this on several occasions so if i seem a bit snippy about it, my apologies. but this has never happened. colby has never self harmed before, and elton has never made him show scars… since they don't exist.

here's where the rant starts in case anyone wants to read it:

the only reason this rumor infuriates me so much is that it wasn't until last year that ppl started talking about it and bringing it up but there is literally NO PROOF of it's existence. and when you ask ppl where they heard it from, they say "oh someone said it was in a video that got removed" or you also get "someone said it was in a livestream that's been deleted". my issue with this is that the last time snc collabed with elton was in 2019. and it took until 2022 for anyone to talk about this event. if that's the case…. you don't think someone would have brought it up before?? like the ENTIRE fandom just let elton make colby "show" self harm scars and it took three years for anyone to say that wasn't cool? if it happened in a livestream, which notoriously never gave saved or screen recorded all that often, how do you know it happened unless you were there and watched it and WAITED three years to say something about? and if it was in a video that only got deleted recently, no one… not a single person…. recorded it??? i've been in the fandom since 2018, this did not occur bc i've heard NOTHING about it ever until 2022 and the only place i've heard it from is tiktok.

idk who started the rumor, but i really wish they didn't. bc elton is an asshole for a lot of reasons, but this is not one of them.

sorry this is turning into a rant about elton and the tiktok fandom but i gotta vent a bit: i get that some of elton's pranks back in the day were a bit intense. and if you want to harp on the ones that got snc hurt or really emotional, also valid. but some of these fans are being upset for snc when snc don't fucking care about these pranks and SIGNED OFF on them existing and being posted in the first place !! you are talking about the same boys that did the killing best friend prank. clearly, snc can handle a douchebag who possibly destroys their car or slams a hand into their face or whatever. again, i agree that elton went above and beyond with his pranks, but like…. dear lord, please dislike him for the actual bad shit he's done.

he made a rape joke in 2020 and then tried to argue with fans about the semantics of it since he didn't "actually" make a joke about sexual assault. then he bitched about have to remove the video since the clip was at the tail end of it and only lasted like 10 second or whatever. he can't take a lick of criticism and will block fans that don't kiss his ass just bc they have something to say that isn't positive. for YEARS NOW, he has been petty and shit talking snc's name just bc of a video series they haven't done since the early half of 2021 that he believed they copied off of him BUT HE WASN'T CORRECT ABOUT THAT. tfil and 25x25 were not copies of one another. similar? sure, kinda. but not copies. and the single time snc went to the same place as elton THEY GAVE CREDIT IN THEIR VIDEO. but since then, elton has made it his mission to shit on snc any chance he gets and literally has bad mouthed them to crowds of his fans during tour (and most likely to the owners of some of these haunted places since snc weirdly can't go to some of these places for one reason or another but elton and other creators can). elton was BANNED from the conjuring house, and that alone tells me all i need to know about him. when demons can vibe in a space, but not you…. that's proof that you suck deeply as a human being. the only reason he was allowed back recently was bc of it having new owners.

everyone is harping on the old fucking pranks and dumb made up shit and not focusing on ACTUAL shit elton has done. it's like when the anons i had a couple years ago where focusing on shea lying about her age…. who CARES? there are bigger things to pay attention to !

sorry, none of this was directed at you, anon. i've just been really annoyed about tiktok and the dumb shit the fans on there say and it's getting on my last nerve that ppl are focusing on shit that does exist or lying about elton when there is plenty of proof of him being a dick irl. no need to lie on his behalf.

i just realized i never got to the rest of your ask. my bad lol

personally i can't sit thru elton's content bc i deeply don't like him. but if other ppl like him and his content, that's fine ! watch whoever you enjoy more of. my whole thing is elton is the reason i know who snc are, and i don't want to hate him. i would much rather live in the world where they're all still friends with one another and collab when they can. instead we live in the world where elton did all of that and then on top of it didn't even wish colby well when he was going thru his cancer treatment... so fuck him :)

and that's kinda cool that he was there after you. he was definitely copying you, you trend setter haha

tagged by @kukiyuuri ur so sweet ty for the tag <3

ONE. Are you named after anyone?

*Office stare* whatever gave u that impression? :3c

yea my queer ass swiped Roxas' name as my own. I had a major identity crisis after leaving a cult a decade ago so it kinda felt fitting to pick the name with his own history with cults & identity issues hehe

2. When was the last time you cried?

couple days ago, tho I have a very hard time crying anymore. thaaaat's probs not good ^^;; I used to be a huge crybaby.

3. Do you have kids?

thankfully not. I'm enough work as is tyvm

4. What sports do you play? have you played?

I played street hockey with my neighbors quite a bit growing up, tho it was rather short-lived when they suddenly had a problem with playing with a girl (boy do I have news for them). in high school I joined the tennis team. I wasn't stellar at it but I had a blast. wish there were more opportunities to play but that requires other ppl wanting to play.

these days I've been reconnecting with my childhood love of rollerblading. I'm close to being as good as I used to be which is so exciting cuz there's so much I never mastered! so I'm about to cross over into new territory!

5. Do you use sarcasm?

what's sarcasm? ovo

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

looking at the world thru an artist's lens, I notice things like posture, expression, body language first. which can tell u a lot about a person in the moment without a word being spoken.

7. What's your eye color?

blue! I think they're turning gray as I get older which is kinda cool but also a little sad.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

depends on my mood; both are good. so long as the story is told well anything goes really.

9. Any talents?

I suffer from the good at the arts but bad at everything modern society deems useful disease. my main talent is probs drawing, writing coming second (if I ever get the spoons to do it again). I'm also decent at singing with my long history with choir & leading worship services.

10. Where were u born?

the most boring place on earth -- the US Midwest. Siri, play "Sidewalks" by Story of the Year.

11. What are your hobbies?

a lot of my free time lately has been getting back into studying languages. I'm mostly focused on Japanese atm but I'm also at an intermediate level in German & conversational in ASL.

I game quite a bit too, primarily retro games. *screaming crying throwing up that PS2-era is now considered retro* seldom do I play things upon release except of KH.

oh, I'm also a casual fashion doll collector (mostly Barbie & Monster High). old media as well (vhs, retro games, music, etc). lost media & preservation of the arts in general really interests me.

I play guitar a bit too but lol I suck at it.

other hobbies previously touched on in earlier q's include drawing, skating, singing & writing. :3c

12. Do you have any pets?

I have a kitty! she's a dilute calico & a huge diva cuz she knows she's gorgeous. she's loud af just like me & loves talking to her fave humans in the sassiest tone possible.

13. How tall are u?

not tall enough. 165cm

14. Favorite subjects in school?

German (easily my best subject), art & English.

15. Dream job?

I've been thinking a lot about circling back to an old dream job. something utilizing my knack for picking up languages. maybe interpreting or teaching? I'd really like to go back to school so I can maybe have a decent shot at something overseas. where? I'm still deciding. being trans kinda complicates it a bit. with that in mind & having several instances of homelessness this past decade I've concluded the US isn't a viable place for me to continue living. I have a unique opportunity to rebuild rn & I intend to utilize it. even if that means allowing my art to return to being just a hobby.

ahh! sorry I'm totally ending this on a bummer note huh? uhh uhh... puppies! think of puppies!! & kitties!!!

anyway, I'll tag uhh... whoever wants to do this? >w<; u can obvi say I tagged ya.

Steve + Eddie (mainly Steve) headcanons!!!

Eddie is the type of autistic to get really frustrated when overstimulated + to often snap at ppl. he feels guilty at about it afterwards.

Steve is the type of autistic to just get up + leave when overstimulated. He usually makes a decent enough excuse about needing to go to the bathroom or some shit and then bolts.

Steve has RSD + is v insecure about his place in the party + how his intelligence is precieved. When a party member makes an off-handed remark about him being dumb, it actually really, really affects him but he usually doesn’t say anything about it.

Eddie understands why steve asks so many questions + why he often needs clarification on simple things. Most of the party doesn’t understand this, however, and often makes fun of steve for it. Eddie is v different from the rest of the party and always answers Steve’s questions w/o mocking him. Eddie (excluding robin) is the only person that doesn’t make Steve feel like an idiot.

Steve is the type of person to have the self perception to KNOW he’s autistic and has adhd and is bisexual, but not actually know what it is. He just thinks it’s some quirky Steve-thing. “Yeah, I have a harder time being social with people and had really bad grades bc school didn’t make sense to me, but that’s because I’m stupid, isn’t it?” No, Steve, it isn’t because you’re stupid. “I thought we all thought about dating men?” No, steve, straight men don’t want to date men.

Steve’s parents never really gave enough shit about him to try to diagnose anything about him. They thought it was a waste of their time, so he never actually got any accommodations for his neurodivergencies/learning disabilities.

The collective of eddie, robin and Dustin give him actual names for his neurodivergencies + sexuality. It’s a big deal, obviously, but it wasn’t super hard for him to accept. I mean, he had already accepted it a long time ago. He just didn’t know what it was. This was the timeline: “straight men think about dudes romantically” -> “oh, they don’t? I guess I’m bisexual” -> “I’m gonna go ask out Eddie”. The time between those events were between a day or two, to a couple hours. You can decide.

Even though steve wasn’t super phased by himself being neurodivergent + queer, it took A LOT of effort to accept the fact that he was disabled. With all that head trauma? Some point in between Billy smashing his head in and the Russians, Steve ended up developing epilepsy + is hard of hearing in one ear.

Steve actually doesn’t realise he’s epileptic for a while. He knows something is wrong, bc sometimes he’s doing something and then everything turns off and then suddenly he’s back and time has passed, but he doesn’t actually know what happened. A common trope in Steve has epilepsy fics, is Steve having absent seizures where it looks very similar to someone being venca’d, and I really like that so!! It isn’t until not too long after the events of Vecna that he ends up seizing in front of one of the party members and they freak the fuck out bc “oh my fucking god, Steve’s being vecna’d! What the fuck do we do?”. Once they force him to go to the doctors, he’s diagnosed with epilepsy. The thing he struggles with most is the fact that he thinks that his epilepsy makes him weaker (as he bases his worth on how much he can provide for the party). Him being unable to drive for a while doesn’t make it any easier, as a big portion of what he does for the stranger things kids is drive them around places.

Eddie, Nancy and Jonathan start helping out with the driving, tho, and even robin starts learning how to drive (with the help of Steve). She swears up and down that it’s only for emergencies, and Steve takes her for her word. She was a nervous wreck during their lessons.

Not only was Steve hesitant to accept his disabilities, but it also took a long time for him to accept his transness. This can apply to any type of trans headcanons you have for him. Personally, I think he’d be a really cool enby/trans fem lad. Any trans masc headcanons are totally cool too!! I just think enby/trans fem works really well with his character, as a huge part of how Steve is characterized is through his privilege + him becoming a better person, so him knowing he was trans since a young age + still being cool + popular doesn’t make as much sense as it was THE EIGHTIES. If he was transfem or enby, though, he’d realize after his big chunk of character development through season 1-2 and start realizing + accepting it from season 3 onward (it’s a long process). Steve really struggles with internalised transphobia though. Like, accepting he was bi? Easy. Accepting he was trans? Nope, nu uh. Not gonna happen. He often tries to convince himself that he’s making it up (as all of us envies do). The party is really accepting and supportive tho!! They make the whole experience 10x easier and are constantly making Steve feel really seen and validated in the best ways ever, especially the younger kids. It has made Steve cry on many occasions. Many occasions. Steve has spent most of his life lonely and desperately wishing for someone to love him the way he wants them to, and so after all the shit he’s went through? All the failed relationships and desperation to feel a sliver of reciprocated unconditional love? These shit heads end up run into his life and filling all the empty cavities in his chest that he didn’t even know where empty and he just feels so warm and happy all the time. Like, sure he knew that the party appreciated his presence and that robin loved him (they were platonic soulmates with a capital P after all), it’s just that he kind of thought that after a bit—if he revealed too much of him and what makes steve, steve—they maybe kinda not wanna be around him anymore. I mean, it’s happened before so it wasn’t so presumptuous of him to think that the pattern would repeat itself, okay? But then it didn’t , and steve was vulnerable in front of the party—his family—in a way he’d never been before because he didn’t think he was allowed to be and then he came out as trans!! And they were so fucking supportive of him!! They hugged him and they thought it was cool and they immediately asked him questions about what would make him the most comfortable and he just!! Fucking!! Holy shit!! He’s been waiting his whole entire 20ish years of life to find people who would genuinely like him for him and who wouldn’t get mad if he wasn’t able to sit still all the time or if he would look into peoples eyes too much or if he had to get them to talk predominantly on one side of him or!! If he actually wasn’t totally, completely a boy!! And he just!! They love him. They love him. And it’s in a way that his parents or his old friends never have and never will bc fuck them! His friends love him and they don’t care that he’s trans. Of fucking course he is going to cry.

Though lots of people think that hopper would be Steve’s step-in father, I personally think that the two are more of a kinda awkward, we-know-eachother-because-of-the-upside-down, type relationship. They don’t really talk that often, but they do have this mutual respect for each other + defend each other when the time calls. Wayne Munson on the other? He’s so entirely not like Steve’s father but so like Steve’s father that Steve has this urge to act likes Steve’s actual father would expects him to act, but towards Wayne. For example, Wayne is someone who commands respect. Not in the way Steve’s father commands respect by often using harsh words and demeaning comments, but rather with a mutual agreement of “if u treat me nice, I treat u nice”. Steve can tell that Wayne and his fathers demeanours are different. He knows. He’s not as stupid as others think he is. It’s just that Wayne and his father are so similar, (plus, Wayne honestly kind of scares Steve a bit) that sometimes when Steve is talking to him, it’s second nature for Steve to automatically straighten his posture, confirm that he is making the right amount of eye contact that wouldn’t get him reprimanded and start to slip “sir”‘s and “mr”‘s into sentences. Wayne notices this (of course) and tries his best to make Steve as most comfortable with him and in is home as possible. He raised Eddie, for god’s sake, who also came from a bad home and is as autistic as can be. He is quite good at showing Steve that he can trust him.

OUUUUUUUGH DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS ON EVERYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO THE KILLJOYS.

dr death defying is my fav but the way u jus described motorbaby..... she might take the crown....

okok now i gotta ask- what r ur fav hcs abt any of the killjoys? or what hcs are so stuck in your brain that theyre practically canon to you??? i love ur killjoys sm please i would love to hear you ramble abt them >:]

OH WELL SINCE U ASKED

Actually I've been wanting to talk abt my hcs for a while so THANK U FOR THIS TEE HEE

Anyway! I think like. My interpretations [or hcs i guess] of the 'joys is a lil nonstandard in some ways bc i took the blank slate of their personalities and ran with it GSJSH [so these are all like. Canon to me. Basically. Sorry gerald u never gave ur apocalypse ocs personalities so theyre mine now] basically like. I have some v set hcs on their personalities and main characteristics as a whole

SO!

I like to think that fun ghoul is like. While hes v v chatty and more than a little mischievous hes also EXTREMELY perceptive to the point it's unnerving, and while hes not v good with his own emotions he's fucking insanely good at picking up other people's, as well as like. Tiny details and shit that others wouldn't have noticed. Hes still an idiot tho godbless GKEHSJ. Hes the number one mad gear fanboy. Hes good w explosives but crap with other tech.

Kobra. Ohohohohohohohoooo kobra. Ppl like to hc him as v stoic [which im not implying is a bad hc at all btw!!! Just an observation] but i like to thing hes EXTREMELY emotional and p unpredictable. A v shoot first ask questions later type, and deathly afraid of being percieved as cowardly or weak. Absolutely GARBAGE shot, which is why he has stun gloves. Practically the fucking tech whisperer.Official motorbaby wrangler. Gets astronomical amounts of ass but is terrified of feeling any romantic emotions.Half Japanese, he and poison are fraternal twins!

POISON! Also extremely emotional but has it under sliiightly better control than kobra [lol. "Control." How full's that bottle ur filling ur feelings with now pois?]. Very very good w tactical stuff and planning, likes logic and such. Also v flamboyant and enjoys colour and the life of the zones. Prettiest 'joy in the zones, seriously. Talks a LOT but has absolutely no fucking filter. Extremely sex positive.Abt as emotionally intelligent as a brick. Also half japanese ic the they and kobra being twins thing didnt make it obvious GDJDDJ. Terrified of death but doesnt know it. Romatic feelings for jet are approximately the size of the continent of asia

Jet jet jet jet jet. My sweet girlboy. Lost his entire family in a shootout against bli when he was 14 and now suffers from "i have to keep everyone i love safe at all fucking costs so help me god" disease so bad that its actually a reflex now. Took care of motorbaby the most when she was an infant. Best shot in the zones GODBLESS. Hes got an eye [ha] for beauty and appreciates p much everything the world has to offer as best he can. Trying to be an optimist despite his horrendous anxiety disorder. Spanish is his first language! Doesnt talk much and thinks carefully abt what he says before he says it. Madly in love with poison but has carefully filed that away under "n" for "never touching that ever"

Motorbaby. Stuck halfway between "extremely unchildlike behavior" and being a regular weird little girl. Far too used to violence. LOOOOVES big robots so much her favorite toy is an old mecha action figure ghoul fixed up for her. Impossible not to love, seriously. ADORES her big brothers. High energy but also burns out quickly and has to nap a LOT. Picked up some of the languages the fab four speak aside from english [spanish, italian, and snatches of japanese] but in the manner that means she knows how to swear in four languages. Veeery small

Jet and ghoul are desert boys [tho ghoul wasnt born in the desert and was smuggled out of bat city by his dad when he was a toddler], while kobes and poison are cityboys [escaped when they were both 13]. Jet's the oldest, ghoul's the youngest

I also have some ideas abt zones culture but aside from the talk abt bigotry probably still being rampant in the zones thats smth im saving for my roadtrip au fic tee hee

Synflow and Contraflow are silly

Launching this blog with a theory that's been in my mind for a while now, and it's the fact that old typology tumblr gave too much importance to syn and contra.

Some time ago i read a post (idr who wrote it but if i find it again i'll link it here) that explained something that made me go oh fuck, that's true actually. If we assume that sx blinds are the majority of people in the world, are we really so sure that basically half of sx blinds (sosps) are really so bad at living like people describe them to be? Like, since I've been in a new city for uni I've met lots of people. Most of them are soc doms because Italy is a soc dom country. Most soc doms I've met were sosps, and they were not the awkward anxious ridden fuckups of society that ppl think sosps are. Actually, most of them were definitely more adjusted into society than I am, and this takes me to a point I discussed with a friend: in our society soc and sp are the most valued instincts to have, so sp blinds and soc blinds are definitely gonna seem more "contraflow" than a healthy and adjusted sosp. Like, take a Fe dom 9 core sosp for example. Are we really gonna assume that this person is gonna have this extremely contra vibe to them? No. In fact, I'd say that an estp 7 core sosx is gonna vibe more contra to people than a 9 core sosp.

I don't think synflow and contraflow is inherently a bad theory, I think it needs some more expansion and thought because it fails to stand on its own, it's wonky:

Like, maybe it's a bit overemphasized. I don't wanna discard the theory completely, but it needs something more to work in my mind.

By default I still think that having both soc and sp puts you at an advantage in our society, and you're automatically more well adjusted. I've met some sosps with a wonkier sp, but most of them had normal sp like you would expect from a sxsp. My gf is a 3 core sosp and her sp is normal. It's not always there, but you can feel her sp wall sometimes, it's sudden, maybe then that's what contraflow is about, but she's not bad at socing at all. So yeah, stop being mean to soaps >:C But yeah i probably forgot to add other things i had in my mind so if anyone wants to add anything feel welcome to do so :3

Why don't you like the way GT handled the Next Gen characters like Pan, Trunks, Bra, Uub, Goten and Marron?

In short, GT tried too hard to recreate OG Dragon Ball and failed at it (imho). Some things worked, a lot of other things didn't. Character depiction of the Next Gen is one of those things that failed.

The longer answer...

• PAN 👎👎👎

With Pan, she was written to be Bulma.

(Link to full interview here.)

And honestly, that was a BAD idea imo. She is the daughter of Videl & granddaughter of Chi-Chi. Pan should've been written to behave more like those two if anything.

Not to mention they didn't do much with Pan at all besides have her in the "damsel in distress" role like teenage Bulma. It was a waste of time and waste of her character imo.

I hear that the Japanese version of GT has Pan written better. But, I've watched a few episodes in Japanese & the characterization is still similar. Just that the dialogue isn't as bad. So I just ain't a fan of GT Pan.

I'm a fan of Super Hero & EoZ Pan. She's adorable, fun, & based off of her lineage, her personality feels very natural & in character.

• TRUNKS 👎

The interview I linked above shows that he kinda filled the "Bulma" role too. But, with Trunks, it makes more sense for HIM to have elements of Bulma since he's her son.

But, oddly enough, GT Trunks didn't seem to have any influence from Vegeta besides being able to turn SSJ. He actually fills the "Yamcha" role as well as the "Bulma" role. He seems more like Yamcha & Bulma's son.

Despite being a main character, he didn't do much if I remember correctly.

• BRA 👎

I actually don't mind her depiction in GT. She's basically Bulma 2.0. Bratty, kinda rude, likes shopping, looks EXACTLY like Bulma. But...

THAT'S THREE CHARACTERS WHO TAKE ON ASPECTS OF BULMA!!! Why so many???

The only thing I can remember that I didn't like about her was that grown men were hitting on her. That's just creepy...

(Also something to share about Bra. According to Daizenshuu 7, Bra's character bio says that she's 1 yr older than Pan in GT. But in the GT Perfect Files, it says Bra is 1 yr younger than Pan. Kinda confusing before Toriyama showed in DBS that Pan was born before Bra.)

• UUB 👎👎

He reall was wasted in GT. We know he's the reincarnation of Buu who somehow inherited his power too. And he was seen training with Goku at the begining of GT. But we barely see him involved.

He's Goku's student, yet he didnt even go with Goku on his journey through space? He has all of this potential, yet does nothing of importance after being trained by Goku? He merges with Majin Buu, yet nothing still? He wants to fuse with Gohan or somebody, yet that idea gets rejected for no reason but to leave things to Goku & Vegeta?

GT Uub is just a waste of an interesting idea imo.

• GOTEN 👎

What does he do in GT? Seriously. Yeah, he has a girlfriend and does a little here and there. What do we know about him tho? Not much besides he has Gohan's haircut but pushed forwards instead of to the back.

Why didn't the writers have him get on the ship with Goku, Trunks, & Pan? His inclusion would've given Toei a way to develop his character and even gave Trunks somebody to bounce dialogue off of. We could see how he interacts with his father & niece too. Instead, we really got nothing.

And just my opinion, but Goten would've fit better for the "Yamcha" role than Trunks did.

• MARRON 👎👎👎👎

Oh Kami... Don't get me started on GT Marron.

So to be positive first, I like her design & her voice in JP & ENG. But why did we get ANOTHER BULMA?! What do I mean? For some reason, GT Marron is bratty, rude, and obsessed with shopping. Who is this? Bulma???

Ppl will say "Well, 18 liked shopping too." Yeah, but 18 wasn't a brat and cold harted like she's innacuately portrayed to be in GT (thank God DBZ & DBS Android 18 exist). GT made 18 uncaring towards Krillin except when he died. So OOC. So if they make 18 OOC and give Marron the personality of her OOC mother, then she becomes a brat.

I DO NOT like GT Marron nor do I like GT Android 18. Terrible portrayals of characters I like. And it seems like in the DBS manga, Toyotaro writes 18 to be cold-hearted towards her husband in a similar way that GT did. Meanwhile Toriyama and the DBS anime properly portray 18 as a loving wife who is tough. And they have Marron being a sweet fun loving girl too.

So there are my reasons. I just despise how innacuately GT depicted characters and how so many of them have aspects of Bulma. I'd rather see better adaptations of these characters in the main continuity.

hey hey. what do you think would be the worst possible plot thing Thomas could do with the series. like what would make you unironically stop watching it would be so stupid. I love hate <3

Dude what hes doing RN is making me wanna stop NSHDKFNFN

I have so many fucking things ... he has this weird thing w/ logan having alcoholism but its supposed 2 b "funny" or whatever. I think if he were 2 treat that Seriously & like have an episode where he talked abt alcoholism id stop watching. Bcuz thats fucking weird & i do not trust him 2 do it correctly.

Also maybe if he dealt w/ logans arc bad. Like.. it has a lot 2 do w/ how 2 healthily deal w/ ur anger & boundaries & not being listened 2 & etc but theres so many ways it could go so wrong. Bcuz its wrong 2 assume that logan is completely in the right w/ his actions, bcuz he isnt. He gets angry & guilt trips the other sides & yells at them hes an asshole.

BUT its also wrong 2 assume that logan is WRONG w/ his actions. Bcuz the sides treat logan like shit & constantly ignore him or talk over him & like... he HAS tried 2 b upfront abt his feelings & express himself & every single time they shut him down. So of COURSE logans angry & yelling & guilt trippy bcuz he cannot just "talk it out". PLUS they r not humans so i feel like... applying human morals & ethics 2 them is the wrong move.

ALSO IVE SEEN PPL SAY JANUS IS GOING 2 "TAKE LOGANS SPOT AS LOGIC" & IF THAT HAPPENS I WILL ACTUALLY EXPLODE THOMAS .

Maybe adding another side after the next 1 bcuz we dont need anymore. Please stop adding characters. Or making the orange side & logan siblings. We dont need another set of siblings. OR MAKING LOGAN THE ORANGE SIDE IF THAT HAPPENS IM KILLING THOMAS SANDERS (/j /nsrs)

I would say adding unneccessary conflicts bcuz he doesn't know how 2 resolve them, but thomas is already doing that & I havent stopped watching so...

If he gave virgil valid rzns 2 dislike thr "dark" sides bcuz i feel like that 100% pushes the "all the dark sides r evil" concept that the entire series is supposed 2 b pushing AWAY from. There's still ppl that think janus & remus r the "antagonists" of the story when i would argue there isnt one because its a story abt a Single person & his Personal struggles. Its a story abt learning 2 accept ur flaws & 2 learn new things abt urself. Why would there be an antagonist.

OH IF HE INCLUDED THE ORANGE SIDE IN LOGAN'S ARC. Im just worried 4 logans arc im so scared that hes either going 2 do it b4 romans or do it completely WRONG

If he gave virgil anymore arcs please he doesnt NEED ANYMORE. The entire story is already so virgil centric when hes THE LEAST INTERESTING CHARACTER IN THE STORY can we have ANYONE ELSE . PLEASE!

ON THE FENCE ABT THIS 1 but maybe if he gave nico & c!thomas a healthy relationship? Like on one hand i hope they have a healthy relationship but on the other hand RN c!thomas is not in the right mindset 2 have a relationship PLUS. ITS ANOTHER STUPID PLOT LINE WHEN HE HASNT EVEN FINISHED ANY OF THE OTHER ONES. He has a million plot lines that will never get resolved bcuz he doesnt know How To Do That. & they all tangle in with each other & its SO BAD. Nico just shouldnt have been in the series i dont know why he's even here. What does he add 2 the series. ??

THIS HAS GOTTEN RLLY LONG . THERES A LOT HE COULD DO & I BET HES GOING 2 DO ALL OF THEM BCUZ HE SUCKS AT WRITING 🧡

That was the funniest fucking thing and really just nailed almost every fanfic of them ever. And the thing is, half that isn’t even that bad. Because they can do all that but why is it always either gross or just never explained? Blossom especially because she can be stressed but who the fuck died and gave her that job when, realistically, she’d have had to fight to be able to have some control over their missions or whatever seeing as she’s both a girl and a child? And then the blues is just something else entirely😭 I will say though, it always confuses me when fanfic authors allow for Boomer to somehow be a genius but then never give Butch that chance? Is it just a quick and easy way to slide in their favorite abusive/dominate the ‘different girl’ trope? It’s also misogynistic in so many ways cause why’s Boomer smart and then Bubbles isn’t if the only reason Brick was made smart was so he’d be a counter to Blossom? Is this just to shove dumb blonde needs saving? Also, enough give me my himbos!! I’m so glad so many of these tropes have slowly started to fade away and here’s to hoping even more follow, especially the reds are gods oh my fucking god if I have to read one more story (that’s usually pretty well written with an intriguing plot!!!) about how sad and lonely and hated Blossom is and how she’s the most powerful ever but also nobody understand except her sworn enemy who she cannot love because of whatever rules she made up, then I’m gonna lose it. I love these losers so much and it sucks seeing some of them in abusive relationships and then seeing the girls especially have to give up so much of themselves and their development just to be with some boys. If anything, the boys would cling to the girls like they’re life support. If they’re gonna turn good, who better to learn from than the goodest™️? Which just opens up a brilliant story of friendships and team building that has lots of plotlines, with one of the main ones being the boys steady journey to turning a new leaf, like with Another Buttercrush and the boys having to ease back in via power restrictions and community service.

I was just nodding my head, reading along, and then you added the stuff about Another Buttercrush and had an "oh shit, I know that story lol" moment. Thank you! I know too much about the law that, realistically, the boys wouldn't be able to escape some kind of punishment for their past actions. Townsville would be stupid for denying the help of three extra super-powered people, but they have to make their citizens believe they have authority over the boys, so boom, power restrictions. That's boiled down politics, bby.

and it takes some of the pressure off the girls. Yeah, the girls would like the boys to be good, but they can't be judge, jury, and executioner. A lot of fanfics leave out how influential Townsville is in the girls' origin story. I believe it would be just as influential in the boys' redemption arc, and it gives the writers a chance to explore the boys outside of the girls and invent new conflicts, like person v society, instead of just person v person.

And if you're able to remove the sets of triplets from each other in this way, this also improves the girls' characters as well. Setting up a person v society conflict would allow fanfic writers to not only show how Townsville affects the boys but also allow you to explore why Blossom would feel stressed out about being a leader or why Bubbles feels the need to be infantilized not just in the context of their personal relationships with the boys, but as individuals.

However, I don't think most ppl come to this fandom for those deep dives into Townsville, and that's fine. Some people strictly want romance, which, like you were saying, anon, can be done in so many different ways that aren't determinantal to the girls or the boys. But until more ppl want that, we aren't going to get much more variety in stories. It's seriously not fun writing for three notes ngl, so I understand why ppl cut/paste the same boring, overdone, and problematic characterizations since those tropes get traction.

Nearly every time I try to write something serious, I have to sit there and remind myself that fanfic isn't literature in the traditional sense. People don't care about themes and plot lines when they're reading it. They care about their fave characters getting what they feel their fave character deserves. And it's a lil' depressing, but at the very least, I know a few people who agree with us!

In sum:

Yk sometimes i just think back about my life and just... question why I go through the things that happened. When ppl knew i was the youngest child, they would jokingly tell me like "oh you must be so pampered! I bet you're spoiled by your parents a lot!" And i just take a second to look at them before laughing it off like "yeah not really, I don't really get the 'youngest child privileges' or get pampered that much," and ppl would brush me off with "don't be silly, why would you parents ever treat you bad? You're pretty and really smart, ofc they would love you!"

That doesn't explain why I have to be the person my brother never could be. I don't see why i have to be pushed to be the person that my brother failed to be while they continue to pamper and spoil my older brother and yell at me for every single thing that didn't go their way. Growing up, my dad was absent for almost 9 years of it, he worked away from home and wasn't even there when my mom gave birth to me. My mom was a teacher and it was obvious to me even as a little child that she loved my brother more.

Everything was fine, I was close with my brother, he was 2 years older than me, i didn't have any friends in the neighborhood aside from him. He started primary school and suddenly everything just...changed. He hated me, yelled at me, bullied me. I was left home alone with only my babysitter day after day until night bcs my mom works at a school far away and my brother is also studying there.

I'd cry to my mother bcs of the bullying, she would tell me to just let it go bcs my brother loves me. My brother told me how i should've died when i was born bcs i was nothing but problem to my mother, i was 8. She brushed it off and said "your brother loves you, he doesn't mean it," since when did 10 year olds say stuffs like that to their little sister? The more i cried, the more he would bully me to the point i stopped crying, i started feeling rage instead and fighting him back. I yell back at him for bullying me, my mother tells me to apologize. She scolded me for yelling at my brother, she always picked him in every fight, even the ones he started, it was always my fault. "He was your brother, you should've forgiven him!" But he hurt me first "your brother never meant it, how could you even think about hurting his feelings back?" I barely cried after that, I don't remember the last time i actually truly cried.

I tried my best to seek some approval from my mother, anything just as long as she was happy with me too. She filled my morning, afternoons, evenings and nights filled with studying, I studied as hard i could, i NEED to make her happy. I scored first in class everytime, my teachers and friends congratulate me and praise me, my own mother never said congratulations. I got second in class once, still excellent results and she called me an embarrassment and a failure. I blamed myself that day, called myself stupid, i was just 9. I scored first place and straight As during my final big exam when i was 12, i never did get a congratulations or hear her say I'm proud.

My brother keeps failing his exams, rebelling against my mom, throwing tantrums when things doesn't go his way, my mother never told him he was an embarrassment. I wonder why i am one. He'd ask for phones and other devices and he would always get it, i ask for one and i get yelled at. Anything he wants to buy during shopping he would get it, i ask fot something and all I'd get was complaints and reasons why I don't need it. It was the same thing my brother asked for and he got his.

"Your mother is doing that bcs she knows what a harsh society we live in, a world where males are dominant and she's pushing you so you can be strong," was that really it? Was it necessary that she called me fat and body shamed me everytime i eat when i have average body size? Was it necessary that she compared me to every single girl there is? "Your cousin got 5As, i expect you to get the same" i did and you told me that it was nothing to be proud of and i was lacking. Was it necessary for her to make me feel that i am one second away from fucking up every single time? Was it needed for her to never tell me she was proud and happy of me? "Your mother made you the independent woman you are today!" I was a child, i yearned for a mom. I yearned for the same attention you're giving to my brother as you take your time to teach him but tell me to try and figure things out myself if i asked for help.

Ig the biggest thing that linger on my mind is last year. It was midnight and i was waiting for my flight back to my state. It was a 2 hour flight and i had a busy day, i would be arriving around 2 am and you told me to immediately go back to my hometown which is an 8 hour drive from the airport. I told my mother that i wanted to stay at my cousin's house for a while and rest before going back and you got angry. I didn't need to hear your voice to know you were yelling through your angry texts. I was tired, don't i deserve to get a break? I told you to try and consider my feelings and you told me "what about you? Have you ever considered my feelings? Have you ever made me happy or proud? Exactly, you haven't." I've suspected it, the way you never said you were proud or happy throughout my childhood, especially not while i went through a burnout during highschool, you never even said a single congratulations to me but I tried so hard to believe that perhaps you just didn't want to express your happiness. You always told my brother congratulations for even tbe simplest things, he gets even a single A and you would be celebrating it, weren't the results i give to you were what you always hoped for? You pushed me for it bcs you told me that my brother lacks in his studies, so why does it always feel like i could never be better than him?

But i was wrong, i was always an embarrassment to you, a failure and nothing more than a headache to you. Perhaps my brother was right all those years ago, i really was nothing more than a problem for her, for the family. I wasn't as feminine as she wanted, i wasn't as smart as she hoped for, I wasn't as slim, i wasn't as religious, I wasn't the perfect child she hoped for. Bcs my brother could not be the perfect child and that's alright, i can be the replacement instead but was that all i was? Nothing more than an achievement child to get all those and it is just that, an achievement bcs those weren't from your son? Sometimes i think about my life and i question, why was i never good enough? Why does my existence seem like nothing more than a thorn in my mother's side?

Mother, do you remember when you yelled at me to go to my room and study? It was your birthday, i was excited to hug you and kiss you happy birthday but you yelled at me to stop bothering you and i locked myself in my room instead. I studied as fast i could so i could get to work on making you a birthday card. I slipped it into my workbook when i handed it to you, you didn't even give me a single glance. It was a pink heart shaped card with little stars, do you remember? I sat in my room anxiously waiting for you to open it. I was 10 but do you remember what i wrote in it? "Happy birthday mumy! I love you and even though i know you love my brother more than me, i still love you very much!" You told me that you loved the both of us equally, why did you never showed it?