#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

becca-e-barnes · 3 years

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2/2

okay continuation of my rant (but it’s about something else and would’ve been weird to include it together lol) so let me explain it first:

this is so weird to talk about bc i don’t have anyone to talk to about this. so i’m a virgin, right? and ive never had an orgasm before. i found the hole once when i looked up how to use a tampon, but since i didn’t like them ive just never really been comfortable with that part of me.

one time i did get curious on if i could finger myself you know just to try it and idk if it was me being a scaredy car but i could never get more than a finger tip in. it felt so strange and uncomfortable even with just that. so ive always just tried to be safe and use pillows i guess that sounds so dumb i’m sorry but it wasn’t ever good.

well just recently i decided to just lay down and explore and see if i could find the clit thing everyone was talking about and maybe use that. well i did and it was so good but not enough. and you know i can’t use the hole bc i tried again and it was the same. and my fingers weren’t really good, it only sent like a spark here and there but not a lot.

okay this might be too weird for you, but i tried an extra vibrating toothbrush of mine bc i don’t have anything else and my fingers are tiny and i heard women get off on vibrations. and so i just held it there and it was the best thing i’ve ever felt so far, and i got close, but i couldn’t come. it felt like i was building something in my tummy but then all of a sudden all the good feeling went away like someone flipped a switch. has that ever happened to you? like it was so annoying i didn’t feel anything anymore. so i kept trying off and on after that (it hasn’t been that long, maybe a few weeks?) well a couple days ago i tried just to see i far i’d get and omg i think it was the first time i was on the edge bc my legs started twitching and i could feel my hole like it felt like it was opening and closing on its own. so i tried to keep it there so i could have my first orgasm and all but it’s like i physically couldn’t. i HAD to push it away and stop it. i don’t understand why? like it was too intense? i felt like all of my nerve endings in my toes were lit on fire and my body was 200 degrees. like i thought i followed all the steps correctly? but it was so intense i couldn’t handle it. and i’ve read about overstimulation and i thought it couldn’t be what i was experiencing bc i wasn’t doing anything else? like it was just that one spot and it was barely even vibrating? does this mean i’ll never get to finish? like if i can’t handle that than i can’t handle another person? i’m so scared. idk if it’s a body or a mind thing but i feel like that’s something else wrong with me. if i can’t do it myself i don’t think anyone else would be able to. idk what to do and i can’t really have anyone bc i’m not doing anything until i’m married. it’s all so weird for me. i just got so upset with myself.

but i figured if anyone would know maybe how to help or what to say it would be you bc i trust you. i cant exactly talk to my mom about this even tho we are attached at the hip. please tell me i’m not broken. i get so scared that somethings wrong with me. and it’s not even that much so why is it too much? has this happened to you or someone you know before? bc idk how common it is. anyways, if you read this, thank you and i’m sorry for these i just have nowhere else to go. <3

Yeah honey, I wouldn’t ask my mum about this stuff either so don’t worry! That’s what I’m here for, it’s really hard feeling like you have no one you can ask and it’s not weird to me at all!!

But honestly, this isn’t something I would worry about too much if I were you. I know it’s easy for me to say that but stuff like this is super common for people with vaginas! I go through stages where I can’t finish, particularly if I’m stressed or I have a lot going on

It’s totally normal! Especially if you don’t have a whole lot of experience working out what you like and what you don’t like

And I used to go through stages that were exactly how you described, I used to get right to the edge and then it would suddenly get too intense and I had to stop

So it’s not something that’s unique to you, you’re not the only person who’s ever had this kind of experience! And you really can get past it!

For me it was a case of not focusing too much on the physical sensation? Like I knew when I was close and I got so wrapped up in it that the arousal almost fizzled out? Because for me, sooo much of my arousal is dependent on me being mentally turned on. I need to think of something really spicy or I won’t be able to finish. So when I focused too much on the sensation, I wasn’t thinking about a specific fantasy and now that I know my body a little better, I realise that was the problem! I need to keep myself mentally turned on and it’s the same during sex! I need endless dirty talk or I lose interest

I hope that helps a little!! It seems like you’re still in the early stages of exploring what you like and I don’t think you should put a whole load of pressure on yourself because it won’t get you anywhere! An experience doesn’t need to end in an orgasm to be enjoyable and it’ll maybe just take a little perseverance to get you to the stage that you’re able to finish and there’s nothing wrong with that at all!! It’s not talked about a whole lot but it happens to sooo many people with vaginas and it certain doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you! It’s totally normal and healthy! 💗

#asks answered <3 #anon #2/2 #18+#I love how people still think some things can be ‘too weird’ for me #I literally talk about anything and everything on here #and I don’t think it’s healthy to shy away from conversations like this!!#because back when I was struggling to finish I thought there was something wrong with me and it didn’t happen to anyone else in the world #but that’s not the case at all!#and it really would’ve helped me to know that #so I’ll never feel weird talking about it #big sister becca

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flockofdoves · 3 years

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i feel really really weird this week. trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. like its certainly not the first time i’ve felt like this in my life but ive just not had my emotions so . not numbed? in so long or felt like crying totally unprompted or felt vaguely angry at random shit in a certain sort of way (which for something new then makes me feel super guilty because i used to be bad with how i went about anger and i guess i never really fully learned how to practice being normal about it i just started constantly suppressing it along with every other emotion so seeing myself angry about inconsequential shit even if im not acting on it makes me feel awful like people are potentially seeing my reaction to them when its not a justified thing even if i dont think i’m doing anything). like sure those were super normal in past parts of my life. maybe even in the context of my job which i guess i only quit just like 7 months ago now even if i otherwise felt numb through the year before that too. and not something surprising to emerge again bc it has in the past year too but just maybe not so much at once but on top of that just feel a bit paranoid about stuff like people reading my mind or bugs crawling on me (or imagining sensations like that or seeing that or w/e)

i guess in typing all this out when i think about it the one time i felt like this this past half year that i can think of (or at least pretty similar and notable in the way i felt weird minus the anger. actually i didnt feel angry til the past few days so i think thats just at like. being around someone whos made vaguely bigoted comments that i’m affected by but then feeling guilty for reading the worst into unrelated shit bc of that making me feel unsafe) is when my brothers girlfriend visited. and now this past couple weeks she visited and then my uncle visited and then my moms friend visited and in general just theres more invitations to see other people even not staying w us bc everyones vaccinated.

so i guess the biggest factor throughout all of that is like. having to get used to interacting with people that i havent interacted with much in this past over 2 years of being isolated while also simultaneously having my daily routines disrupted by that a bit?? which feels absolutely insane to me that that would have That disproportional of an effect and be something i really did not even know how to attribute at all until typing this out right now. like i really appreciate and have fun with a lot of those people its not bc i dislike them or literally anything like that i think this is just a bit of a deranged unexpected side effect of whatever fucking stage of isolation i’m at where instead of just feeling really stilted in conversation or feeling like i dont know how to normally talk to people or accidentally crying while talking to people or oversharing and being awkward like i have at various times throughout my 2 years and 4 months of isolation when i had brief periods of interacting with people i cared about and/or people around my age again, while sure a lot of that is still somewhat happening (but not the crying in conversation, that was once when i got to see friends from college once literally right before i really realized the pandemic was starting and i couldnt keep visiting after not seeing them for a year before then. i just havent seen any of those friends since) i think its like. not knowing at all how to act normally around people but also not being as used to the people i am newly interacting with while my routines interrupted so whether i want to make a good impression around them in spite of that or am trying to be normal about feeling upset about shit people i dont know well but cant just not be around say or whatever ig it just like. flares up my anxieties about what can tell from what i say or how theey take me and all that leads to intrusive thoughts and paranoia about not just giving off the wrong conversational things but literally people reading my mind and judging me for intrusive thoughts recursive cycle etc and all that just makes me feel exhausted and unsafe and useless and whatever etc and maybe subconsciously is bringing up a lot of reocurring emotional shit i’ve dwelled on but not cried about much at all this past half year idk. plus i’m just stressed about how much i really want to get done before starting to move and go back to school.

makes sense in explaining most of it in typing it out right now but nonetheless dont like that. isolation has had a lot of awful effects on me (literally i know i’m talking to so many other people in the world now with that its nothing special lol. ‘i was doing this for a year prepandemic’ is a stupid thing to emphasize 1 year is horrible enough and it just blends together) and i’ve long been terrified thinking about how it could be affecting me in more unforeseen and/or longterm ways but i think i was thinking i had a general sense of how my trouble with interacting with people again would manifest and i really dont like seeing that like. i literally did not fucking know how to connect my emotions and other shit recently to that til right now. better than not connecting it at all of course but i dont like it feeling so unconnected. in general have been very disconnected from emotions even outside of social interaction type stuff so of course thats something to work on too but idk just scary to realize maybe i dont even know the general shape of how my trouble “reintegrating into society” is gonna look like lol. and while i’m hoping it will feel better (but honestly probably a lot more intense emotions even if positive) with realizing this know i really even more cannot even begin to imagine how seeing people ive been close to in the past again will end up going when i get to that

#cpost

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riaflicke · 3 years

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The saying went something like, monsters are created not born. And that was exactly how Ria Flicke felt about the demon - or demons, plural, depending on the day - inside of her. It wasn’t always dark, but it was fed enough that it grew and grew until she didn’t know what it felt like to not have the darkness inside of her.

Some of the creation was self-inflicted. It wasn’t like she knew how to walk away from a bad situation or how to let the light win out, no, she let the darkness win and that was her own fault. Over the past few months of alone time and wrestling with questions and curiosities, she managed to figure out how and where the darkness was cultivated, fed and nurtured by the people that were meant to protect her.

AUGUST 17th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (14 years old)

Move in day for Faircrest Preparatory School. Day one of one million of learning to be a spy. Mariana thought that it would be a good idea for Leon to drive Ria to move in. After all, he worked at Faircrest, and she thought it’d be good for the younger Flicke to finally get to know her father.

Needless to say, it did not get off to a good start. Ria knew two things: her mother was cryptic about her father and the only way to get adults to pay attention to her was to be annoying. And she had lots of questions for Leon which meant she would be extra annoying.

“Don’t put your feet up there,” Leon turned over to his daughter, who had perched her feet on the all white car dash. “You’re going to get it dirty.” “What?” Ria didn’t dignify him with even a glance, she instead focused on picking a scab on her calf. “Maria-” “Ria.” “Maria,” Leon huffed, “Take your feet off the dash or we’re not leaving this driveway… What did you do to yourself anyway?” “Fell off my bike.” “Don’t you know how to ride a bike?” Picking at the scab until she got it to bleed again (because it definitely made her dad cringe), “Yes. I let go.” “Why?” “It made mom freak out.” She finally moved her feet from the dash, pleased with the furrowed brow her father now had. “And why in the world would you want to do that?” Leon asked in a deadpan tone, clearly frustrated with his daughter’s antics. “It proved mom cares. Somewhere. She got worried.”

The frustration on Leon’s face morphed into one of pride, but in the blink of an eye it was back to neutral. “You’re already thinking like a spy. What has your mother taught you so far?” “Nothing, I’ve known for all of like, three months.” “Alright. Well, we have about six hours ahead of us-” “Joy.” “Don’t interrupt me, Maria. I can’t have my daughter not knowing anything about spyhood. You’re already starting Faircrest at a disadvantage.”

That spoke to the competitive side of Ria and all, but she thought that this ride would be a way to get to know the man she’d wondered about for years. “You’re going to spend six hours talking to me about spy stuff and not like… anything about me?” “I didn’t say that. Anyways, I’ll see you all year on campus, we have plenty of time to get to know each other.” “Ooookay. Weird, but, fine, talk to me about your spy life or whatever…” Her voice trailed off into silence.

Leon glanced over at her, “What were you about to say?” Chewing on her bottom lip, Ria was silent for a little longer before speaking up. “I wanted to ask you a question.” “Fine, ask it then.” “Do you love me?” The words sounded sharp to hide the fear inside. “I don’t know.” Sitting up straighter, the blonde’s face dropped, “How do you not know? I’m your daughter.” “We just met.” “So?” “So, I need time to decide.” “Do you think you ever will?” “We’ll see.” And he wouldn’t. ‘I love you’ were three words he’d never say. “Fine… Tell me about this spy shit.” “Language.”

JUNE 8th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (17 years old) Whether she wanted to listen to her father or not (spoiler: she didn’t!), Ria wanted to be top of her class. Success was something she could control. Success gave her purpose. Success made it all worth it. So as much as she hated Leon Calder with everything in her being, she kept note of all of his rules and the subsequent tests and trials in a tiny leather bound notebook. It was a pale pink, embossed with “Maria” on the cover - which she had since scratched up with pens and keys until it only read Ria.

With graduation on the corner - and a four year break from spyhood (her parents hated that one) on the horizon - she flicked through the pages, a walk down a very bumpy memory lane.

Rule 1: Control the conversation What’s it mean: - Have conviction in what you say - Stand by your words, even if they’re questionable - Don’t get stuck in webs of lies - Take pride in attention - good or bad - throws people off their game when you embrace an insult

Rule 2: Head not heart What’s it mean: - Don’t lead with emotions ever - Look at things logically bc that’s trustworthy, emotions are fickle - Tears are weakness - avoid at all costs!!!

8/30/10 - first week @ faircrest, dad got me a xanax prescription. told me it’s better to feel nothing than something. haven’t tried it yet 2/1/12 - (middle of soph. year.) - i think i’m addicted 4/29/14 - i’m graduating in 2 months. Idk how to feel bc i don’t think i’ve felt anything in four years. 8/2/14 - i don’t trust my own head

Rule 3: Don’t have a blindspot What’s it mean: - Falling in love means youre caught up in another person - Getting caught up in another person is a weak point - A lover will betray you or will be used against you - Lust =/= love, lust is ok.

11/1/13 - i don’t think ive cared about a single person ive slept with. like at all.

Rule 4: Know what you’re walking into What’s it mean: - Awareness is key - Evaluate every situation in full - ALWAYS keep your guard up or you’ll get backstabbed

12/21/10 - was @ home for christmas, dad snuck up behind me and threw a knife. i ducked in time. said i need to get better at awareness. Wtf.

After twenty or so blank pages, one page of the notebook had a few words written on it in all capitals. They were written more cleanly than the notes and scribbles of yesteryear, clearly written by an older Ria with stronger penmanship.

I THINK IM A MONSTER.

SEPTEMBER THROUGH NOVEMBER, 2020, ROSEVILLE, VA (24 years old)

The fires the year prior had been the first time that Ria remembered crying in over ten years. Something cracked inside of her as the buildings and all she’d used to ground herself started to fall and crackle apart. It was what pushed her to look inside of her. To know why she held so tightly onto the lessons and learnings from two people that couldn’t care less about her. It was what sent her to therapy.

There were no diagnoses to be found, apart from a self-inflicted dependence on unhealthy relationships and her vices. She lacked the remorse and violence to be a psychopath, and she didn’t have the swings of anger that hallmarked aggression disorders. What was there instead was a shell, a guard that presented itself as sociopathy - but she knew what she was doing, she had remorse, that was where the questions began. How could you display every trait in the book but be ‘normal’ inside?

The revelation of Blackthorne as a school for assassins had opened up even more of a can of worms, but she ignored it until the start of her third year, as she continued to try and understand what was going on inside of her head. Leon had gone to Blackthorne, yet the alumni didn’t seem to recognize his name. Something was up.

With the help of one of her Faircrest friends, Tobi, she was able to find more on her father. More on his employment records and his history. He’d begun going by his middle name after graduating Blackthorne, Leon Calder instead of Malcolm Calder. Hardly a criminal offense. He had a cross listing with the MI5 (expected, she knew her parents met in London) and a private agency ‘Atkinson Associates’. Further digging revealed it as a hitman agency, one that her father was still actively employed with.

Once she had that, and access to the files of the company, she went to dig on her own - not wanting to pull anyone else deeper into the mess. The employee roster and files were what she really wanted. Clicking on her father’s, she read through the notes, feeling a gross pit building in her stomach as she learned more. Kill count: 117. Use for: High profile, quickturn jobs. Works both individually and with partners.

Noting that the word partners was linked, Ria clicked on it, skimming quickly over unknown names until she settled on the name of a former partner. One she knew too well. Mariana Alice Flicke.

“No…. no no no…” But she couldn’t stop, she had to know more about her mother. Kill count: 2. Use for: Track erasure and evidence destruction.

She didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse that her mother was typically non-violent… Even if she condoned the violence. Blue eyes kept scanning the profile of her mom. Employment Terminated: September 30, 1995 Reason: Pregnancy.

“No wonder he hates me so fucking much.” She took Mariana out of the field, she took his partner away… But that wasn’t her fault! Hovering over the word pregnancy, Ria’s brow furrowed. Another link. There was no reason that needed to be linked. Everyone knew how pregnancy worked!

After a long stare off with the link, she finally clicked on it. The curiosity eating away at her. It pulled up what looked like an incomplete profile, one with nothing but the key statistics. And she didn’t even need to read them, they were ones she knew by heart. Name: Maria Grace Flicke Date of Birth: June 6, 1996 Start Date: To Be Determined.

She wanted to stop scrolling, but her hand kept moving, the answers were finally there. Whether she liked them or not.

Current Status:

Atkinson Associates Case study 001.: Nature versus Nurture

- Developing the mindset of an assassin from day one - Utilizing upbringing to control later characteristics, thought processes, and disposition

None of her mania was an accident. It was all part of a bigger plan that she never wanted to be a part of. Each demon was planted inside of her by the people that were supposed to love her most.

And the only way she could deal with this was to let out an ear-piercing wail.

#dev | ria #i'm sorry #drugs tw

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stop-weighting-for-change · 4 years

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UPDATE 4

OK!!! So this update is a ~lil~ bit off my normal update schedule, but honestly better late than never :)

July 25th marked the official end of my first Chloe Ting challenge: her 4 week summer shred. I didn’t lose as many lbs as I figured I would throughout which kinda disappointed me at first bc i was eating clean enough and often times less calories than i probably shoulda been eating so it like didn’t make sense??? but then today i retook my measurements (which i initially took the day i started the challenge on june 27th) and OH MY GOD???? I LOST 11 INCHES TOTAL AROUND MY BODY????? I CANNOT BELIEVE IT??????? I was so so so so so so proud/happy and I’m amazed. It makes sense now why I didn’t lose ~as many~ lbs as i initially figured i would bc i musta gained a lil bit o’ muscle and im happy af bc muscle burns fat :)

I am planning to start a new 4 week summer shred a week this friday and im waiting a week to start the new shred for a few different reasons: 1) mentally, physically, emotionally, im tired and im EXTREMELY proud of myself so i recognize that my accomplishments deserve a lil time off! Ive earned it! 2) chloe literally recommends taking a week off inbetween challenges to get the various types of rest needed and shes the expert here not me so there ya go. and finally, (which is honestly my fav and most extra reason lmao), 3) both my siblings birthday is august 3 and my birthday is august 16. by starting the next 4 week (28 day) challenge on july 31 i am perfectly timing my active rest days on the 4th and 17th days of the challenge to fall on both their and my respective bdays. i realized that the other day when trying to decide when to start my next shred and if thats not just the happiest of accidents idk what is :’)

Im not gonna lie and say the last few months have been easy on my mental health. i graduated college this past december and since then i have felt this never ending spiral that im old and my best days are behind me and theres just an impending doom to get my life together/perfect. and this pandemic only made things abt a billion-ish times worse. i got furloughed so i didnt even have my bullshit part-time job to keep life somewhat “scheduled” for myself and that really sucked. i cut ties with a person who had been a constant and sense of comfort in april bc of my so-called-friends ignorance, selfishness and lack of communication and things had just not been the best. dont get me wrong, i am so privileged to have my family all together, have everyone be healthy and safe and comfortable enough (both financially and physically) to stay homes for months on end but i wont lie and say it hasnt taken somewhat of a mental toll. BUT ANYWAYS my point was that in spite of quarantine dragging me further down, i feel like this newfound lifestyle transformation journey has given me a reason to continue bettering myself and has made for a good reason to look in the mirror.

Enough sappiness i should probably end this overly dramatic and unnecessarily long update post bc honestly no one is reading this anyways lol. were all in this together (<3 troy bolton style <3) and if anyone should ever need my support, even if only virtually, i am here!

P.S. this may be an INSANE thought butttttttttt is it weird that i ~cannot wait~ for halloween. its still 3 months away but wow oh wow am i already siked for it to arrive :D

P.P.S. i found this killer marble cake recipe bc im gonna be making my own bday cake and i literally cant wait to try it i hope it turns out well... unlike some of my past cakes lmao........

#weightloss #weight loss #weightlossdiary #thinspo #gettingstronger #getting stronger #getting healthier #gettinghealthier #losingweight #losing weight #feeling positive

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revol-lover · 4 years

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i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok.

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though.

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend.

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020 but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic.

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

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the-wlw-cafe · 6 years

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Forget Me (Not)

Request: #62 Memory loss with Lena Luthor preferably the Reader losing their Memory? They were Dating for awhile but got hurt protecting Lena so now she doesn't remember Lena who decides it's best for her not to remember so that the Reader doesn't get hurt again so Reader goes About their normal life but with Lena basically suffering every time she sees them bc she's still in love with them idk Maybe a happy ending if you wanna

Fandom: Supergirl

Warnings: referenced injuries, some language, being Long as feck

Word Count: too many (3265)

You awoke to the sound of hushed voices. You couldn’t make out what they were saying, every noise seemed to drift towards you through a thick layer of jelly, muffled and warbling. You felt like you were floating. It was the smell that finally clued you in that something was off: It smelt sterile, like hand soap and disinfectant, not like the scent of lavender, coffee and freshly washed sheets that you associated with home. You slowly opened your eyes, blinking against the bright white lights that surrounded you. When you tried to move, you noticed an IV drip sticking out of your arm.

Ah. Hospital.

The voices became clearer, two women, arguing.

“Now you’re just being dramatic, Lena, this isn’t your fault!”

“If it weren’t for me, none of this would have happened. Getting close to me is a risk, you know that, and I’ve been selfish enough to ignore it, but I just can’t anymore. I’m making the right decision here.”

“The only thing you’re making is a big mistake Lena, I know how much – (Y/N)!”

It seems they have noticed that you are awake, and the taller of the two, a blond woman whose face splits into the most sunny smile you’ve ever seen once she makes eye contact with you, comes rushing to your bedside. The smaller one, pale, with dark hair framing an impossibly gorgeous face, stands in the back, clearly left distraught by the argument you’d interrupted. You immediately got the overwhelming urge to reach out and comfort her.

“(Y/N), we’ve been so worried about you, but I knew you were a trooper!”

She immediately goes in for a hug that leaves you stiff and awkward. You have no idea who this is, but they clearly know you very well, which can only mean one thing. But that couldn’t be, things like that were reserved for soap operas only, it didn’t happen in real life...right?

The tall blonde seemed to notice you not returning the embrace, pulling back with a frown.

“Is something wrong? Are you hurt? Oh Rao, did I hug you to hard?” she fretted, a worried crinkle appearing between her brows.

“Oh no, the hug was fine, I just...” you make a helpless flailing motion which leaves your IV drip swinging. “I’m sorry, I’m going to be frank, I have no idea who you are.”

The blonde lifted her hands to her mouth to cover a gasp. “But...but you must recognize Lena, right?” she exclaimed, gesturing towards the other woman. Oh this was bad. You hated to see these people hurt and worried.

“Nope, does not ring a bell.” You replied.

“But she’s-“ the blonde began, only to be cut off by the other, Lena.

“- the one whose building was trapped with the bomb that put you on a coma. I needed to make sure you’d recover, and seeing that you’re awake, I’ll go get a doctor for you”, she said curtly, and gave you a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. She’d already turned away before she’d finished the sentence. You and the blonde watched her leave the room.

“Is she okay?” you asked.

“Honestly? I don’t know. She’s going through a lot of stuff at the moment.”

Lena returned with a doctor not long after, and a series of exhausting questions later you were diagnosed with amnesia. When or whether your memory would return nobody could tell, but you were released two days later with the recommendation of trying to go through your day as it came naturally to you, visit familiar places and not stress yourself out too much over remembering. You felt lost and vulnerable in the apartment that was so unfamiliar to you, yet everyone seemed to recognize as yours. Kara, the blonde woman who had dropped by your bedside multiple times to bring you some fried sugary goodness to offset the horror that was the hospital food volunteered to sleep on your couch until you’d find some semblance of normalcy in her life (“No, really, it’s no problem, Alex – my sister – will look after my plants, and I think they’ll thank her for it, I keep drowning them for some reason...”).

On your first evening at the place you didn’t remember as home, you went through Kara’s phone together, looking at pictures of her, her friends and you together in the hopes that it would stir something, anything inside you.

You scrolled through pictures of you and her friends at bars, at picnics, at game nights, always laughing and smiling, and still these peoples were strangers to you. All of them, except one.

“That’s Lena! From the hospital!”, you exclaimed, just glad that you had found one face that didn’t make you feel like looking through stock photos of a group of handpicked multiracial attractive models.

You furrowed your brow in thought. “That’s weird, though, she didn’t mention us being close.”

Kara smiled a slightly pained smile, said something along the lines of “well, you met her through me, I was interviewing her for CatCo and things just snowballed from there”, before quickly scrolling on. You see her face popping up in some pictures after that one, but you don’t bring it up again.

In the following days, Kara took the time to re-introduce you to all of her friends, to her sister Alex, Alex’ girlfriend Maggie to Winn and James, she tried to get a hold of Lena but the CEO declined. It didn’t surprise you, being CEO of L-Corp probably didn’t leave her with much free time. The Superfriends did their best to make you feel welcome in their midst, but you still couldn’t quite shake the feeling that you were hanging out with a group of complete strangers, who somehow knew your favourite drinks, your Noonan’s order, and your preferred board games.

Kara took you to L-Corp a week after you were released from hospital, since it was there you lost your memory, and per chance you ran into Lena. Kara invited her along to grab coffee together, but with one look at you she blanched, pressed out that she was urgently needed in a meeting from between clenched teeth, turned on her heel and walked right into the room she had left seconds before. It was completely empty.

You started to get the feeling that Lena didn’t like you.

The following Saturday, you were proven wrong, she didn’t just dislike you, Lena Luthor outright hated you. It was game night, and you had attended out of a sense of obligation and the fact that you started to grow close to the Superfriends – for the second time from their perspective. Lena arrived late, played one token round of Taboo, and then left immediately after, citing a work emergency. The phone she pretended to talk on was clearly switched off.

Days turned into weeks, and this became a common occurrence, no matter how much Kara and the others conspired to get you two to talk to each other.

By far the worst thing about this situation was however the fact that you seemed to affect Lena’s friendship to Kara too. You caught them, once, arguing in the kitchen at game night after they had gone to get more wine.

“Lena, she’s suffering, you’re suffering, and this has to stop. You can’t keep running away from this and honestly I’m not sure how much longer I’m willing to lie for you!”

“Kara Danvers, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare destroy everything I’ve done to-“

“-to make both of you miserable? Lena, open your eyes, this isn’t working! (Y/N) has a right to know –“

You couldn’t take it any longer and decided to announce yourself by clearing your throat. The two women whipped around to face you.

“Sorry”, you began, awkwardly scratching your neck as if you hadn’t just caused a rift between these two friends. “The guys are asking for more beer.”

“Oh, we were just...” Kara started, clearly in the early stages of a trademark ramble.

“...just leaving. I was just leaving.” Lena finished, her gaze fixed on some spot behind you. You didn’t manage to contain your scoff in time. “Another work emergency, I gather? Or what’s the excuse you have for us today?” you said. Lena stumbled backwards as if you had hit her, and immediately you regretted your cold words.

“I...good night, (Y/N).” Her voice broke on your name and you swore you could hear her sniffle as she rushed past you. You stared at Kara, unsure of what had just happened in this kitchen, when you felt a second wave of anger wash over you.

“No”, you growled. Kara looked at you, puzzled.

“No, she doesn’t get to do this. She doesn’t get to avoid me for weeks when I needed her the most, when she should have been there for me like all your other friends...my other friends were! She doesn’t get to make me feel bad about calling her out on her bullshit! I don’t know what I did to offend her, I literally can’t remember, but why can’t she just talk it out with me like a goddamn adult?!”

You braced yourself on the kitchen counter as you stared into the dark night outside. Voicing your anger had felt good, it had been a long time coming, but you’d still do anything to get some closure on this whole situation.

“Oh, (Y/N)”, Kara breathed, looking torn. “Lena doesn’t hate you. She...she’s in a difficult spot right now, and she thinks she’s doing the right thing but she’s really, really not...she’s a very headstrong woman.”

“Yes, feel free to tell me whenever you’re ready to stop talking in riddles and feel like making sense”, you snapped.

“Lena made me promise not to tell a word, and I can’t break her trust like that, but I also can’t stand to see you both so miserable.” Your friend heaved a great sigh, and at this moment she looked older than you had ever seen her. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and after some typing, she presented it to you. “Just...take a look.”

She had opened a folder named Top Secret L and you actually let out a small giggle at that. Subtlety really didn’t seem to be her strongest suit.

The folder was empty except for a series of four photos, obviously taken in quick succession at a park. The first was Kara, taking a selfie, pointing excitedly at some kissing couple on a park bench. Half of you wanted to sit Kara down for a serious talk about privacy and personal space, the other half just smiles because that’s Kara, the same Kara that had called you one evening after having seen an elderly couple feeding ducks at a pond, squealing “true love exists!”. The second photo is another image of the couple, up close this time, and your heart drops into the general vicinity of your stomach when you recognize the lovebirds. That is, without a doubt, Lena Luthor, one hand in your (H/C) hair, the other at the small of your back. The third picture clearly showed your reaction to being busted, Lena hiding her face in your chest and you throwing your head back with laughter. You couldn’t tell whether the blushes on your faces stem from embarrassment at being caught or from the heated kiss you had been sharing. In the fourth and last picture, Alex was photobombing you, pretending to gouge her eyes out with a cocktail umbrella.

You put the phone down, staring blankly at nothing in particular. You hadn’t expected to be able to feel this photo so vividly, not to remember, but to know how Lena’s soft lips felt on yours, how her scent surrounded you, how you were able to feel her pulse racing out of control...

You were longing for something, for Lena, for a feeling you didn’t remember but missed anyway. You looked up at Kara helplessly, seeking guidance, advice, something.

“Were Lena and I...” you croaked, not trusting your voice to get the whole sentence out.

“An item? Yeah. You even tried to keep it secret from us for a time, but we saw right through you. And by ‘we’ I mean Maggie ‘detecting is my job’ Sawyer”, she added with a soft smile.

You leaned against the counter.

“I imagine you two have a lot to talk through”, Kara said gently.

You nodded absent-mindedly, already working through hundreds of reasons why Lena would not want you to find out you had been in a relationship before the bomb and the memory loss debacle.

Kara grabbed you by the shoulders, gently ushering you towards the door. “Come on, I’ll tell the others where you are. You go get your girl.”

She texted you Lena’s private address as soon as you were out the door. In the lobby of her apartment building, you saw a security guard immediately lumbering towards you. You cursed inwardly. You had no idea what to say. “Yes, apparently I used to be Lena’s girlfriend until a few weeks ago, but don’t ask me anything personal about her or our relationship, as I have conveniently forgotten it all.”

Before you could even begin to delve into a shakily improvised excuse, he broke out into a wide grin.

“Miss (Y/L/N)! I was wondering when I’d see you again here! It’s been too long! You and Miss Luthor didn’t have a falling out, did you?”

“Something like that”, you murmured, still taken aback by his jovial greeting.

“Well, I know it’s none of my business, but Miss Luthor hasn’t been well in the last weeks. I do hope you’ve come to set her straight.”

“Well, that’s the plan, but we’ll see how it goes”, you reply, showing a shy smile.

“Then by all means, don’t let me keep you here any longer, I’ll let you right up!” he said with a goofy thumbs-up gesture.

Lena lived in the penthouse, so you had plenty of time to come up with something to say to her on the elevator ride. You left the elevator without any semblance of a plan. You took one last, deep breath, steeled yourself and knocked on her door.

There were a few seconds of tense silence, and then –

“Who’s there?”

Even through the door you could tell from her hoarse voice that she’d been crying.

“It’s me, (Y/N). We need to talk.”

Nothing.

“Lena Lutessa Luthor, you open that door right now or so help me I’ll get Kara to throw me in through the window!”

For a moment you thought Lena would refuse to let you in, but then you could hear the tell-tale click of the door as she let you step into her apartment. You tried not to let it take your breath away too much, but you still found yourself slightly distracted by the gorgeous view on the golden lights of National City by night.

“I assume Kara told you, then.”

Lena had her back turned to you, obviously trying to hide her tears from view.

“Kara didn’t technically break her promise to you, she just let me connect the dots”, you said.

“So she didn’t tell you that she thinks I’m a coward and a liar?” she snapped, but you could hear the fright in her voice. She was scared and hurt, and therefore lashing out. And again, something inside you ached to take her in your arms, comfort her, and never let her go.

“Lena, you know Kara would never say these things. She loves you.”

Lena made a strangled sound, somewhere between a scoff and a sob. You decided to press on.

“I just need to know why. Why did you try to hide this from me? Were we...were we unhappy? Did that bomb just come incredibly convenient to you, so you didn’t have to break up with me?”

You were getting worked up again, you couldn’t help it. You deserved better than 3 weeks of the silent treatment, especially when as vulnerable and confused as you had been.

“Did Kara tell you what happened the day you got injured?” Lena asked, her voice almost inaudible.

“Yes, there was a bomb at L-Corp and I got caught in the blast-“

“You shouldn’t even have been there! I received the bomb threat several minutes before the explosion. There was enough time to get every civilian out of the building and to safety. There was enough time for you to be far, far away from any danger. And yet you turned around, and you ran right up to my office, because you just had to make sure I was okay. And when there wasn’t any time left anymore, you tried to shield me from the blast. I saw you get thrown against a wall, (Y/N). I saw you lying there, with broken limbs, not moving, and I thought you were dead! I thought I had lost you!”

Lena whipped around to face you, her face red and tearstained, but there was a grim determination gleaming in her eye.

“I thought you had died because of me. Do you understand now, why I have to do this? I loved you, I still do, but I can’t allow you to throw your life away for me. You deserve more. You deserve someone who can love you without endangering you whenever you’re together.”

“I’m not stupid, Lena”, you reply, after a few seconds. “I knew that when I got into the relationship with you. And I still chose you. And I think...I think I would do it again. Kara showed me the pictures of you and me in the park, I’m not sure if you remember-“

“Of course I do”, she sighed. “It was our first official date. You were actually going for a kiss on the cheek, but, well, so was I, and our lips just awkwardly collided for a moment before things...escalated.”

“Yeah”, you chuckled. “I could see the escalation.”

You swore there was a small smile playing around the corners of Lena’s mouth.

“The thing is, Lena, I felt something when I saw us kissing. I might not remember what we had, and maybe I never will, but I still miss it. I miss us. And maybe, in time, we could rebuild all of this.”

Lena’s mouth dropped open.

“Really? Even after how I’ve treated you? Oh God, how I’ve treated you, I’m so sorry, (Y/N), but I was so scared...”

You interrupted her with a raised hand. “You can’t do this to me again, Lena. You can’t just leave me out of the loop. If we are to have a second chance for...well...us, we need you to be able to trust each other completely. I need you to tell me the truth, always, even if it hurts, even if you’re afraid, and you have to trust me when I say I know what I am getting into.”

Lena nodded frantically, under tears, but she was smiling as well. You weren’t surprised to feel your eyes burn as well. And suddenly, you didn’t know who initiated it, maybe it had been a shared impulse, the two of you closed the distance between each other and fell heavily into each others arms, sobbing tears of relief, joy, loss, fear, a bit of everything.

This would take time, you both knew it, and both of you still had wounds that were a long way from healing, but in this moment you refused to let each other go. This was a path you had to take together, after all.

#supergirl #supergirl imagine #lena luthor #lena luthor imagine #lena luthor x reader #wlw imagine

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catmeme-moved · 5 years

Note

all of the asks! >:3

god ok

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

😏

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

i dont think i could date anyone who does any kind of drugs,, it makes me Very uncomfortable

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

its only 4 babey

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober...ive never been drunk

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

i guess?? it was in high school so i dnt think it rly counts since yknow, i was 16

7. What does your last received text say?

“jgdijgjfdivjdjdj me“

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

not enough times !!! i love kissing my gf

9. Where was your last kiss at?

in the parkinglot behind my dorm building

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i saw both my sisters when i was home for break a few weeks ago

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffey

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

not rly? i think if relationships r hard then they arent rly meant to be

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

god i wouldnt have spent so much money

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

none at all ;3c

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

i guess rainy....overcast weather is my fav

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my mom ! probably lots of other people too shjkdh lee is a fairly common name i think

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

i hope so!!!

20. Does anyone like you?

god i sure hope my gf does

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nop

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

ya thats why i kissed them ghksdjs

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

no one that i know personally.. there r some like celebrities and other famous ppl i dont like

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes i want a tattoo from a specific artist in my hometown!!!

25. In the past week have you cried?

i mean probably i dont remember though

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

a pug...i saw him in a donut shop

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

i dry off as im stepping out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no bc jocks intimidate me

29. Do you think you’re old?

not really in the grand scheme of things.. im only 20 i still have decades ahead of me !

30. Do you like text messaging?

31. What type of day are you having?

its been ok! i spent time w my roommates downtown

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

i hav my septum pierced but a nostril piercing would b nice

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold..

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

i dont rly think theres such a thing as “opposite sex” since sex is also on a spectrum like gender

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship ! flings r nice i guess but i prefer the stability and commitment of an actual relationship

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

i thnik im fairly simple..idk

37. What song are you listening to?

when he died by lemon demon

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yea of course39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

my best friemd emily40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

theyre hot and funny and very kind!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

idk maybe an hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

im hungry and not being held by my gf43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

its my mom so fairly well i think44. Does anyone disgust you?

men45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

no bc im already dating someone46. Are you in a good mood right now?

i feel...neutral47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my roommate !48. What color shirt are you wearing?

its blue pruple n green tie dye49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

ya my history professor told me i had to read books50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

no one is coming to mind51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

i dont hate anyone!

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

almost gave up on ever being able to pet the raccoons outside the dining hall but someday ill be able to earn their trust

53. Do you like rain?

yes!!! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

not rly ! as long as theyre safe about it ykwim55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

no i think ive told most of my crushes how i felt about them at the time 56. Do you like to cuddle?

god yes i love to hold and be held57. Are you shy?

its the social anxiety 58. Do you get along with girls?

i am a lesbian59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

we r dating !! 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my phone and my peper spray 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

id do it for 10 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

ive been in my current one for 7 and my longest lasted 8 ! 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

yes! 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

anything my gf does is cute65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my cat yawned when she tried to meow and made a weird squeak sound

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

18 (or maybe 19 now idk), 19, 20

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

i do them myself bc i hate spending money68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

ghgdh,....neither69. Do you have any stickers on your car?

i dont have a car yet 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

neither...i dont rly like eithr of those music genres71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?

im samsung bitch until i die72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?

its been months. maybe years. i dont like pizza73. Do you like diet soda?

i dont rly like any soda anymore tbh74. What color are the walls in your room?

plain white...f 75. Are you 16 or older?

bitche im 2076. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?

nop i dont even know waht its about77. Do you have a job?

yes i work in a library ! 78. What are your initials?

ylb79. Did you ever have braces?

no :^/80. Are you from the south?

nope im a pnw bitch

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

something about voting82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

ya shes my best friemd83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?

my mom.. fuck my dad !84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

i vaguely remember attending a gymnastics class when i was like 5 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

uhh.. venom i think86. Do you smoke?

no never !!!87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?

flip flops. 88. Is your phone touch screen?

god how old are these questions. who has a phone that isnt touch screen now89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?

my hair is naturally curly !90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

no91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

a pool..... rivers and lakes r scary92. Have you ever made out in a car?

not yet93. …Had sex in a car?

no that seems. . difficult. theres not very much room94. Are you single or in a relationship?

im in a luvly relationship95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

sleepin96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?

new years i think??97. Do you like the camera on your phone?

yea its pretty nice98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

no but ik i wanted one before i got into my current relationship skdgjhj99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?

no but i did drink half a beer thing once and went to sleep bc i got a stomach ache100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

i dont even use facebook101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

when i was in first grade id play “family” w my friend sometimes and she’d pretend to be the dad and i was the mom so we would spoon each other bc we thot thats what sex was and i thought she actually got me pregnant bc i was 7 and didnt know anything102. Name your favorite Kesha song:

the song blind slaps103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

no its winter and i also dont go outdoors104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

i hate wearing shorts

#vry sorry if the readmore doesnt work sdhgjkh #clouds06 #asko

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chroniclesmuslim · 6 years

Text

February 10th, 2018

**real names have been changed for the sake of privacy. YES i changed the name of my muslim crush and friends to christian names. If you have any advice for me or any comments, please feel free to leave them. just a regular muslim girl trying to find love (the halal way)

So nothing really has changed since i made my last update. I texted him yesterday and initiated conversation. I kinda felt weird doing it though since this whole scenario is weird in general. i'm used to him hitting me up in the mornings while he’s at work and starting a convo and tbh i think the main reason why i feel kinda iffy about messaging him first is because he had also told me in his "tbh" moment that the reason he wasnt 100% interested in the beginning was because he felt off about how i initiated us talking from the beginning. that a girl should make a guy feel lucky to have her and that he also figured that since i was the first to make the initial move, that must’ve meant i've done this in the past with other guys.

kinda funny though considering he's the first guy i've ever tried talking to. im sure he realized after the thursday meeting (if he was still unsure) that i've never done this before. highlighted by my awkwardness + shyness. i remember there was a moment where there was a silence and i looked up to him looking at me. which kinda freaked me out and made me look down, and when i looked up again he was still staring at me. and legit i looked up and down for a solid 10-15 seconds. ugh im legit sooo awkward lol why can't i talk. but on a side note i just found out that some guys find a girl being shy as "cute". i hardly think he thought my behavior was cute though lol more so annoying for the fact that we ARE friends and i didnt know how to act like one.

i know that even though when i met him on monday for the first time (since like last year), i was even more shy. I would cover my face and mouth with my hands and not look at him that much. but he was able to control the conversation and kept making jokes etc etc. that was the main difference between the first meeting and the second. i was less shy in the second meeting but i guess my awkwardness was rubbing off onto him. i dont know how it'll go this week (heck idk if we'll even still meet) but i hope that i can be more myself and show him that im not as boring and awkward as ive been making myself out to seem. and i also hope he can take control again for when i DO slip up and get quiet.

but anyways back to the whole texting thing. i messaged him and it has been kinda choppy. tbh the flow of our texts is kinda similar to the flow of how our meeting went. choppy and silent lol. i keep thinking that he probably regrets talking to me and that he doesn't really wanna have communication with me anymore. it makes me feel sad. i want to bounce back at least through our texts but im not sure how to anymore. i forgot how we used to talk and how we used to be able to talk about nothing for hours. i dont know how to do that anymore which is weird considering that its only been 2 days since i was last able to. again i guess he's being nice about it but i feel like he's partly ignoring me again. like how he used to ignore me last semester. the only thing that made me kind of optimistic was how he mentioned that if i ever do come to see his dad at their store, his dad might think i was a druggie or something since not many desis come around to that area. he was basically trying to make a joke about my presence at the store after talking to his dad about another muslim customer that walked in. so that means he at least thought of me when he was joking with his dad. and then he sent me a snap afterwards of a song on the radio. which made it feel normal again.

i guess i might be overthinking everything but i KNOW that this next meeting will probably determine how things will go. i dont want to mess it up and i've been thinking of different ways to go about it. i wanted to text him and tell him how it's just hard for me to be myself with him in person still and i need to feel a little more comfortable around him before we can develop a flow in our conversations and stuff but then i figured i might as well tell him that in person. so at least thats one conversation we can have the next time i see him. plus he's a nice guy, one of the good ones, so i feel like if i told him how i genuinely feel and acknowledge the fact that im uncomfortable then he might feel the need to make me more comfortable. i also told “Amanda” about everything and she wants to come make a "guest appearance" the next time we meet up to kinda help navigate the conversation and make me feel more at ease with her presence.

i also DONT want to meet again at the cafeteria on campus. first of all, its soooo hard for me to hear him when we're in there. i guess bc of the kitchen and of the starbucks line and everyone sitting and talking near us and the fans overhead etc etc. i realized that one of the main reasons why our conversation was so choppy was also because i had made a mental list of everything i wanted to talk to him about (in hopes of not running out of something to say) but because of my list, i kept jumping from one topic to the next without actually stopping to LISTEN to what he had to say and then ask him a follow up question. like how the heck do i forget how to listen??? such common knowledge but of course i effed up on that too lol. another reason why i dont want to meet at the cafeteria is because i dont like sitting right across from him, it feels like we are in an interview and it doesn't help me relax but makes things worse for me. plus there's nothing to really do at the cafeteria. he eats only zabihah so we cant even order food. i was thinking maybe we could go to the gameroom and play a card game like uno or something. i know he wanted to go to the gym on campus and sit on the benches for the basketball court so we had more "privacey" aka not as many people around to bump into us lol but that's also kind of scary. because then we can't have a break and talk about someone we just saw and we would also be forced to pay 100% attention to each other. i dont know if i want him to pay that much attention to me when im acting all goofy the way that i am. but i know that if we go to the gym it would make more sense if “Amanda” bumped into us since she's always there exercising to begin with.

i just hope he hasn't given up hope on me. it's so weird to think about where we were a few days ago to where we are now. we were so comfortable and honest with each other. we still are honest and stuff but we aren't talking as much. we aren't sharing things anymore. it kind of feels like we are preparing for things to not work out. but i want things to work out. I know “Bill” and “Samantha's” relationship in the beginning was similar to ours. but they had the opportunity to see each other multiple times throughout the week so they got over this phase quicker. we only have the chance to maybe see each other once a week and since its a hassle for him to begin with he might just figure it's best to give up on the whole idea. i dont want him to give up on me.

i just realized its 12:01 AM and i missed Isha namaaz. so i have to make that up. i've been praying for him in my duas. before i would pray for his MCAT score and either an acceptance to medical school or for Allah swt to show him a path that will be the most beneficial and satisfying to him and his deen. now im starting to pray again and make dua that if we are meant to be then make it easy for us. (also for us to be meant for each other lol). i guess the reason why i feel so strongly for him is bc i haven't met any guy or even heard of another guy as hard working as him, as focused as him, as god fearing as him. we match in what we want in this dunyaa. and when i think about him in my future i see someone that i can pray with and be happy with. someone that i can feel safe with. i just hope he doesn't give up on me.

just take it one day at a time.

#muslim #muslimah #halal #browngirlsgang #hijabi #crush #love #relationships #deen #storytime #story #journal

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3inghao · 7 years

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crush anon here and AHHHHH I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON bc i feel like out of all of us we have the weirdest (?) relationship bc we dont even have each other on social media or each others numbers and like again im still not in their group chat?? only me and my other suitemate (the other asian girl) arent in the group chat??? which is like,, really weird bc they mention it a lot but theyve never made any moves to add (1/15)

us to the group chat and like thats not really something you can just like,, ask to join,,, and so they all hang out and grab meals together or whatever and idk i guess its just bc they dont have as much schoolwork i guess?? and my roommate and him are both film majors so they have similar classes and i guess i just havent had that many opportunities to hang out otherwise?? but like ive only seen him once since drunk (2/15)

night and it was yesterday and it was because he was downstairs in the dance room of our hall taking pictures of three of the girls from our friend group for his hw and after theywere done they just came up toour room and hung out and like ,, i wanted to talk to him more but then my friend started swiping through her tinder and so he started to swipe through his and then my roommate and her started doing the matches (3/15)

on tinder for him and it was like,, they were judging the girls as they went by like ‘oh shes cute’ or ‘oh my god shes so weird’ and it was mostly them but i felt really uncomfortable bc they were all like attractive girls and i was like ahh,,, i guess theres me the potato ,, and like i dont want my friends to know i like him either bc 1. theyd all think its like the worst idea in the world bc everyone knows how much of a player he is (4/15)

2. i still dont know if my roommates into him and 3. i still dont really know him super well and it would just be so weird for the friend group?? dating within the friend group would be a terrrrrrible idea too,,, and like im so confused about what to do but one thing i do know is that i will never tell the friend group at least until i get closer to them and him.. and even so i dont think he likes me,, although i do think hes intrigued by me,, (5/15)

if that makes any kind of sense at all… i know hes actively trying to hook up/date other girls bc of the whole tinder incident and also the other guy friend in our friend group (went to hs with x) told us that he was trying to get with this british girl he met in an elevator bc she was super pretty (and again when i say super pretty i mean it bc the girls they were swiping left on tinder were all so pretty too ????) but yeah i just felt my (6/15)

stomach drop when i heard that bc i knew what kind of guy he was even before i had a crush on him but i cant help but feel so terrible whenever stuff like that happens.. and yet at the same time i feel like our dynamic is different anyways?? like idk if this makes sense but you know when you can just feel like theres something more to your relationship with a person?? like idk this might just be me projecting my delusional (7/15)

hopes and desires onto this interpretation but i can sense like we are both trying to feel each other out, and that we dont really know how to act around each other, and i feel like im so crazy and i must be imagining it but every time we make eye contact it always feels just a tiny bit longer than normal or with other people??? you know????? im honestly going insane thinking about this,, and every time we were together (8/15)

before drunk night i would shut myself down around him like i tried to avoid eye contact or engaging in conversation bc i was so scared of letting myself fall for him but it happened anyways and now im still scared but im trying to put myself out there and engage with him but then things happen like the tinder thing and i just shut right back down yesterday and pretended like i was really focused on my schoolwork or my (9/15)

readings and ahhh i really dont know whats going on anymore i still have so much hw to do on top of that and i dont see him often bc he doesnt live in the same hall as me, im not in the group chat, and im not the same major as him so essentially we only hang out on the weekends or occasionally on the weekdays if he comes over to our dorms bc my suitemates invite him or whatever ahhhhhh i cant stop thinking about it (10/15)

and i just keep oscillating back and forth from thinking that somethings finally gonna happen and that theres a crazy spark there to thinking that theres absolutely zero interest from his end and that he would never like me and that i would never want to be with a guy like that anyways and ahhhhh i know i just have to wait it out and continue to work on it (at least being his friend) but at the same time i feel like i should just drop the (11/15)

whole thing and pretend like that drunk night never happened and just treat him with polite distance and act like my opinion of him is 100% just neutral guy that im kinda friends with and has had some good times with but i also know nothing will ever happen unless im trying from my end and actively showing interest in him but again it would be so weird bc i cant flirt with him bc my friends would 1000000% be able to tell and i (12/15)

know its still too early ahhhh my head is spinning im literally going insane AHHHHHHHHHHH sorry and literally just as im writing this my roommate is facetiming her friend and was telling her a story and she referred to our group as ‘our friend group and also two other people who live with us’ MEANING she doesnt consider me and the other girl to be part of the friend group and i knew that deep down i really wasnt but i (13/15)

hang out with these guys a lot and i try my best to be supportive but not too clingy and idk what im doing wrong??? why do people not want to be my friend??? i?????????? im sorry for being so depressing but this is legit what i feel !!! and ahh i just kinda want to distance myself away from these people and get my own friend group but at the same time i dont bc i love these people but the thing is i dont know/i dont think (14/15)

they love me !!!!! wowie wow wow anyways that was my entire fucking rant about life in general and im sorry if im burdening you but i hope this message finds you well

AHHHHHHH CRUSH ANON IM SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I’m starting to feel better now I was at a real low place the past two weeks and just feeling bleh but i’m getting some help and i’ll be fine :))) but since it’s been so long WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED i don’t think you need to give up on your feelings for him and i don’t think you need to give up on the friend group, they’ve probs just been more tight-knit for longer so it’ll just take time before you’re fully part of the group, if that’s what u want. Don’t stress about the boy tho!!!! if it’s meant to happen it will ya know, you can’t force something. Maybe try just being friends with him first and maybe go from there?? ahhh i feel so bad at giving advice lolollll i hope i’m helpful or can just be some that can lend an ear to you to rant

#💫

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bootisimo · 7 years

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ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!!

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen)

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way.

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

#personal #really fucking personal #also very voluminous personal jfc #i just spent 40min typing this instead of doing math homework #nice

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pornographicpenguin · 7 years

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Anxiety sucks bc I was okay earlier and now I'm really really not.

yup, basically

personal fun maudlin story time: ive had to deal with having anxious feelings for basically as long as i remember (i very distinctly remember like, actually puking whenever i had to ride the bus or talk to an adult or forgot my homework because i was just So Nervous as a child), and i think probably the worst realization that i ever came to was that most people didn’t feel the same was as i did? it probably took me to around the time i was fourteen to realize that the way i felt, had always felt about basically everything, wasn’t normal at all (i remember this one conversation i had with a friend in hs where i was like “haha yeah you know that relatable feeling where you wake up every morning and you spent the whole night thinking about everything you’ve ever done wrong in your life and worrying about your math homework so you feel so anxious and sleep-deprived and absolutely fucking miserable that you really seriously contemplate jumping out your second-story window? haha” and she was like “um...what the fuck no?)

but i digress. once i got into college things were a LOT better (and i mean a lot) mostly because i actually finally started doing something medically for myself but also because i wasn’t living with my parents anymore and i wasn’t living in the space where i’d kinda on and off considered killing myself for the past couple years. (it’s really weird, i -- still go back there sometimes and stay in my old room and do the same things i used to and i can literally feel myself slipping back into those really unhealthy thought patterns, it’s like twenty different levels of terrifying). and i’ve had my bad points over the past two-ish years, but more often than not i have good ones

i guess what i’m trying to say, anon (and this may be something you already know & if so apologies) is that being okay isn’t really like an absolute, it’s a spectrum. i generally consider myself pretty ‘okay’ on the whole these days but like -- at the same time i spent like three hours last night lying in bed worrying about people reading my fic and making fun of me, and a couple nights before that i had a highkey emotional breakdown because i have a small forest of acne scars all across my cheeks and it makes me feel like im ugly and no one is ever gonna love me and -- a bunch of other things, actually. i wanna say that the last year or so has probably been one of the overall best for me in terms of mental health -- but at the same time a couple months ago i had a stress headache for four days straight and like two full-blown punching the wall & blowing into a paper bag panic attacks about fucking fandom politics of all things :P

and i don’t really know your circumstances anon or what you’re dealing with, but i guess my point is that when it comes to mental illness you’re ALWAYS going to have bad days or weeks or months or years. and it fucking sucks all sort of balls, but it’s really just the lower swing of the process. and the more times you figure out how to pick yourself up off the ground, the better you get at it and the easier it gets for the next time you gotta do it.

so yeah it fucking sucks but -- i believe in you & the fight isn’t over yet

#you probably didn't want this long of a response but #im a big baby & i like to talk about my feelings #you're always welcome to come talk to me also anon #everyone is <3 #jenna jabbers #chit chats #suicide mention #anxiety cw #Anonymous

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smol-pilots · 7 years

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i am so annoyed :)

honestly. i get jealousy. i really do like i used to be (and i basically lowkey still am) very jealous of people. like people hanging out w other ppl. without me. idk why but knowing that they are out there without me, somehow made me think that they like them better than me. which is ridiculous i mean ppl have many friends, it’s good to have many friends. i got really dependent on ppl and when i saw them hanging out without me it made me feel like shit. like “mhm see that? that’s it. this confirms all of your fears you pretended not to have. they’re gonna leave you. this is it. they don’t like you the way you like them. just watch it, you’re gonna end up alone in no time.” (honestly this voice scares the shit out of me, it’s like satan himself is hugging me over my shoulders from behind, trying to weight me down and whispering bad things into my ears idk). anyway and this has been happening for years, every friend that i had, i felt this way. but! i never acted on it. i never complained, i never whined. no actually, that’s not true, i was acting a bit terribly once. i tried to prove myself that they liked me more so i set up all those little tests they didn’t even know about. i dont think they even realized i set them up bc it was always little things like “imma wait to see if they message me first, that means they love me” and things like that. and they failed them all and that kinda broke me. we’re good now but it took years. and in the mean time i kept going through that shit. but i never acted on it again because after that i wasnt only afraid of them leaving me, i was afraid of myself pushing them away by making myself think this way. after some time i got better. i tried not to get so attached, or at least establish this healthy attachment. i still get jealous sometimes but as i said, i don’t act on it anymore. i will silently suffer and they will wonder what’s wrong but after like a day or two max, i’ll get over it. once i mentioned this to one of my friends, and i said how much i hate my clinginess and they were like “what? you’re clingy??” and i was completely shocked like i thought everyone could see it?? but apparently not, which is good. at least i think so.

anyway and now here i am, emotionally in a very interesting state like i love people so much?? but very platonically and at the same time i have friends that i see a few times a week, friends that i see almost every day, friends from whom i dont hear every day and we’re fine and there are friends that i wasnt really in touch with every day or even every week over the past few years and i got used to it. i was sad but it became normal to me. weird thing is, and that’s the reason i started writing this,how weird it feels when u feel other ppl being jealous. like suddenly im the friend that’s hanging out with other friends. and i’m a bit angry bc every time i get jealous i try to do everything not to show it. but here they are and i can literally sEE the tests they’re giving me and it’s horrible. go with me there, let’s meet there, pls let’s go do this ... quite a few times they wanted me to cancel plans that i’ve already made with other ppl, despite knowing that that had been planned for weeks in advance. not to mention the amount of guilt i feel every time i have to cancel something i simply couldn’t do because there was no time or i had other things to do. they guilt trip me and tell me i take time for everything and everyone else and how much free time i have, watching tv shows till 4 in the morning but i dont use this free time to spend it with them. i get jealousy! and clinginess! but i am angry bc i always try so hard to overcome it and they seem as if they don’t even try or as if they don’t even realize how that makes me feel! and only now i’m realizing how different we really are and how many things i dont tell them and i don’t even know how to change that! but now they’re angry with me for not spending time with them, my mom is angry with me when i do, because hello??? exams??? and i’m angry as hell because if there’s one thing that i hate is being pressured into things like that either gives me anxiety, it makes me hate things, it makes me angry, annoyed. i mean when im with them, it’s okay at the time, i forget, i have fun, everything seems nice but when we’re apart... like i am fully aware why this person is acting this way. i see the reason they feel this way. i’m really trying not to rub things in their face. but honestly, where were you when i needed you and you were the one who wasn’t there for me? im just sick of this shit. this only made me realize how not close we really are. i mean we’ve gone through things but i stopped telling them things. and now it feels as if they don’t even know me. i’ve changed so much i think not only throughout the past five years but i’ve changed in the past few months also. i don’t want to lose them but i’ve gotten used to not hearing from them for a while or not seeing them and i don’t mind it that way. i love them and i think i love them more if i only see them from time to time. maybe that’s the reason this friendship even stayed alive. i dont know.

i feel so bad for writing this. i feel even worse for posting this. on the internet, for everyone to see. i want to write about it but idk why i had to open tumblr for this. i want to talk about it so badly and i do talk about it with my sister and with my mom but they are involved in it and if i tell my other friends i’d feel even worse bc it would mean i’m gossiping and they’d judge this person etc and then i also kinda feel like i’m oversharing and then i start questioning whether they’d share something like that w me if they had the same problem. u see, and then I get caught in this. i’ve tried so hard not to think about it bc i knew the moment i would really think about it, i would have to admit what i feel about them and this situation and i’d feel bad and now that it’s happened i’m just sat here, ive been writing this for hours now and just thinking about it. i can see it only getting worse and i don’t know what to do.

#personal #i don't even know what more to say i'm just #sad that this is happening #like my mother was like ok but u gotta reach out to them first so they'd see i love them too #but it's not helping and also i'm again forcing myself and it never really is enough

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kuriboo · 4 years

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When I was little I didn’t know what to do with my life. I think at one point I might’ve wanted to be a princess or a mermaid or something (ironically, I can’t swim. I know strokes and such, I can do those, but I have no trust in the water to hold me up towards the surface), when I was very little, but from the moment I knew I would have to get a real career someday, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had a lot of vague ideas but they either felt unrealistic or I didn’t think I was capable.

Jobs based around helping people were to me very noble. My mom’s always had jobs based on helping people since I was born, and before that, too. But of jobs obvious to a kid at the time, I’m afraid of needles and don’t do well with seeing blood and have unsteady hands, so a doctor or nurse was out. I wasn’t great with most kids and didn’t know how to engage people or make people listen to me, so a teacher was out.

I grew up with most people in my social circle being in the church. I was told to follow god’s plan, that god has a plan for everyone and if you follow it good things will come to you. So what I wanted to do when I grew up was a vague whatever god’s plan is thing, and I assumed one day I would wake up and just know what he wanted me to do. I used to lie awake in bed and ask god what his plan was for me, what i was supposed to do, but they never answered. They answered a lot of other things for me, but not that. I felt panicked in high school when I was supposed to be planning what I wanted to do in college because I still didn’t know. At some point I figured, well god blessed me with a gift for music, supposedly, i was deep into music for ten years, so maybe i should go for music. I think I had planned to go to school for audio engineering, at a college a couple of hours away. It was scary, it was exciting, walking around the campus felt right to me but I was terrified to be so far away, and to be alone.

I also felt like I wasn’t supposed to go to college immediately after graduating. I felt tired, i felt burnt out, and it just didn’t feel right. I even asked my parents about it and they encouraged me to go right away, that it’s easier to get through college without taking a break. In hidnsight, if that was god’s plan, which, it happened so probably, it was probably my best glimpse at that plan i’ve ever had

And then it turned out i was right. And it turned out i didn’t get a choice. And it turned out any ideas of getting a career in the music field were basically dissolved. I wasn’t really devastated that much. I didn’t know what to do but that wasn’t new. I worked hard in school and never slowed down until then. All the sudden I had too much time to think about what i wanted to do, what i should do, what i was supposed to do, but thinking was hard and i never figured it out. When i did later go to college, i stayed much closer to hope in the aftermath of being so sick and i went to the college that offered the highest scholarship while wondering how i’d gotten enough energy to apply to any colleges at all. I somehow managed to keep that scholarship. I wanted to make sure i could get a job right after graduating so i picked a field i knew that was possible in from first hand accounts. I was worried about all my decisions in that time just looking like i was copying the people around me. But i was interested in the field i picked, i picked it up quickly despite having no prior experience, and my interest only grew the longer i was learning. So it felt right. Maybe this was the thing

But uh, i obviously didn’t have a job lined up immediately after graduating like i’d thought, and struggled to find one for a long time while my own health declined again. My mental health this time instead of my physical health. I sobbed uncontrollably after my graduation ceremony until i was too tired to cry anymore. People figured i’d probably had a ton of work in the weeks leading up to it and that i was exhausted. I was exhausted, but i hadn’t had much work, my last semester was actually fairly easy compared to previous ones. When people learned that they were incredulous, most didn’t get what i was crying for. I had been working hard, but schoolwork wasn’t my issue, i was just...constantly fatigued. My effort was mostly in keeping myself going in general. I was stressed about not having a job lined up yet, i was stressed about school being over and having to go home, being awake was exhausting. A lot of people didn’t understand that. They didn’t want to.

Stuff’s just kinda weird. I dunno. As ive struggled with finding a job, its been kinda weird in that somehow it was clear that i just wasnt supposed to be working yet, that i was needed elsewhere. I was needed in other ways. Which didn’t make the experience any less stressful, but... finding an entry level career has been almost impossible the past year or two. They just became harder and harder to find every day. And at the same time i’ve had to try to learn how to take care of myself, because what i’d done up to that point just wasn’t working anymore. That’s gotten easier. I’ve been kinda shoved in directions that have been unexpected and as i’ve tried to approach the endpoint, nothing’s really happened in the timing i’d like. People i’ve known my whole life have said things happen in god’s timing and not ours. Maybe that’s true. Maybe i just haven’t been ready to join the workforce in the last year or so. People have talked to me like i’m lazy, people have refused to see i’ve tried as hard as i can and my best just isn’t their best, or don’t want to accept that it’s not a bad thing.

The whole following gods plan thing ive heard my whole life sort of led me in the wrong direction. I always figured god would figure my life out for me, i guessed. But i dunno. That’s obviously wrong, life doesn’t work out that way. I’ve happened to be in right places at the right times without being on the fast-paced path everyone thinks is required, that i’m apparently lazy for not being able to handle that pace in the aftermath of being really sick. I’ve been at the right places at the right time to be able to help people that needed it, that needed me. I’m grateful for that. But i think it’s less of god having planned out your whole life and if you stray from it you’ve fucked up, i think it’s more about being able to good wherever you end up. Sometimes it’s just in little ways, and sometimes it feels like it’s barely anything to you when it’s everything to other people. And somehow i’ve been able to do that, i guess, and somehow i’ve found this path where i’ll be able to help people more even if it’s nowhere near i thought i’d ever end up. Helping people is important, if we’re not here to be kind to each other than what are we here for, but a lot of the time it’s also really hard. And helping people isn’t just about ending up in a job where you directly help people some way or another. And i’m trying not to sound all holier than thou about it.

I just feel like this “god has a plan” mindset i grew up surrounded by kind of fucked up my line of thinking when it comes to life choices, but somewhere in there i turned it around

The church also kind of pushed this isolationist way of living where it was heavily encouraged not to associate with non-christians unless it was to convert them and i’ve come to the now obiois to me conclusion that sometimes the church’s opinions are bullshit. The same church was one of the ones “questioning the governor’s faith” when services were forcibly shut down and reopening them was pushed back, and now after they had a few weeks of being open with masks and distancing required, apparently now distancing is bullshit and they refuse to do it. My mom’s stopped going for the time being. There’s many things I don’t agree with them on anymore after i escaped the mindset i was kinda thrown into when i was young that the church is always right about everything. I’ve said some stupid shit before I did that. I still say stupid shit. Things that seemed normal when i was young now feel more insidious to me. I wish i figured out all this out sooner but that isn’t how life works apparently

There’s been a lot of times that i’ve wanted to help people but couldn’t, or straight up didn’t bc being selfish comes very easily and i can be a shit person if i’m not careful, or i didn’t know how to and thus couldn’t. But i’m thankful that for the times where i’ve been able to help people and did. Because i can look back through everything and see places where i have done that and how that’s lead to where i am today, and i’m glad i’ve had the opportunity to be a better person? I dunno. I’ve felt reflective and mushy today. And i can see all the differences between where i am not and me ten years ago, and i’m glad i’ve learned and worked to be better. I want to be able to look back and know i’ve done some good for people and i’m glad i can do that now and for all the times in the future where i’ll be able to do that, too. People deserve kindness.

#church also told me to always put other people before myself #and i can definitely see how that put me where i am now in both the good and bad ways #and idk. there’s a lot of good and bad thoughts out of this that have been on my mind #ever since my appointment with my psychiatrist earlier #but i think i wanna think less about this #now #and i think i wanna focus on other things bc i should be #tater.txt #a lot of decisions i’ve been made have been out of efforts to protect myself and make sure i can live a stable life as i grow

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