qillaqaeley - Tumblr blog

qillaqaeley · 5 years

Text

17.05.19

You: the thing is when someones been through shit it changes them, mentally especially. and when they try to change, they dont know what to do because they dont know what they are like outside of the trauma.

You: most of mine isnt to do with family so much.. well actually a little is

You: so my mum and dad had me when they were 40, all my siblings are 12+ years older than me

You: ican never talk to them because it feels weird talking to them or asking them for help when they didnt grow up in the same generation and i have completely differnent experiences to them

You: so it feels like ive grown up alone

You: my dad has been in and out of hospital my whole life, has a heart attack when i was 4, got a brain tumor when i was 8, lost his leg when i was 9

You: my parents havent been able to work since i was born because my dad was in annd out of hospital and my mum is his carer.

You: so i havent had money to do anything

You: ive only ever been on like 3 holidays and never left the country.

You: my primary school experience was shit

You: i made friends pretty easily, but they always found people who were more energetic and had more money to go places,

You: with the constant runnign around with my dad i rarely got to do much in my childhood so i didnt go out and hang with friends often at all, so they left me

You: ive always listened to people and helped them through troubles with friends and stuff

You: i once fixed this girls friedship with my best friend at the time cause they were going through something

You: she then took them from me and excluded me out of everything

You: and now that i think about it they only let me join for sympathy, none of them really cared, whenever we hung out, they left me behind and when we got back into class they never asked when i left

You: then the other group i was in, they said if i wanted to talk i would have to should and yell and stuff to get attention, and i dont like raising my voice and if people need to do it like that its not a fair friendship/.

You: i finally made a friend and later found out this year that she raped my ex boyfrien

You: friend*

You: when they got together after i broke up with him

You: i never thought she was capable of that but im glad i left her

You: i made a better friend but we dont talk as much and shes out of school for the term then im out of school next term so 6 months without her

You: all the other people i talk to at school always turn away and never talk to me when i try

You: so its not that i dont try, its that they never losten

You: and especially cause im in year 9, everyone already has groups and cliques, so i dont fit in with them no matter how much i try

You: i thought i had made a friend but she claims i ghosted her completely when she didnt sent me one message when i was with myfamily

You: she didnt even view my messages when i sent them and i see her in 2 of my classes basically every day and i cant get away from her

You: i cant talk to my mum about it because she either says get over it or yells at me because i interrupt her from watching shows, sleeping or being on facebook

You: my dad doesnt like anything i like and i cant talk to him because he would tell my mum

You: and im just so stuck because i dont have anyone to talk to apart from my friends online, bbut they all live in other parts of the world so i cant talk to them comfortably, plus they all have lives outside of their phone.

You: thats it

Stranger: I'm still here

Stranger: I read it all

You: i also tried to commit suicide a few times and im tempted to try again but properly.

You: the councellor isnt helping at all other than small bits

You: and i keep having breakdowns because i have no one to turn to and i always end up here trying to distract myself from my thoughts

You: not even music is helping at all anymore

My talk with someone on omegle.

i feel like shit recently.

0 notes

qillaqaeley · 6 years

Text

Hello, i may as well do an introduction.

My name will for now be Qaeley. Pronounced Kaylee. But its not my real name.

Im a 14 year old girl from australia.

My family consists of my dad, Mum, my three older siblings and myself.

The age gaps between my siblings and myself are 12 years or more. My parents had me when they were in their 40s.

I was officially diagnosed with depression on the 18th of october, 2018.

But have had it (the symptoms) since around 2014-2015.

I know, a long time, right? Yeah i think so. My parents never really understood the severity of the situation until recently. But i can say that most of the time ive had it it hasnt been pleasant. Ive gone through it alone with toxic friendships coming and going. My dad in and out of hospital constantly as ive grown up wasnt making it better either.

So back to 2012 my parents thought i may have had a learning disability too and im soon going to be taking a test to see if its correct. But aswell in 2012 i went into hospital for my ependix. I had ependicitis. And it had to be removed. Around this time i started gaining weight. Thats when i started caring about what others thought of me too. So yeah.

Anyways in 2012 my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And we were told he only had 2 months to live. Thankfully he has lived up until now and hopefully until im married and have kids. Its alot to hope for but after all hes been through i hope he can make it through the rest. And late 2014 he lost the bottom half of his left leg. And all of his toes on his other foot. It was an infection, something similar to gangrene but it was because there wasnt enough blood flow to his leg. So that was amputated below the knee and he uses a prosthetic leg to walk around now.

Anyways aside from that 2016 i was in year 6. It was one of the toughest years for me so far if im being honest. My teacher was quite a bitch because i didnt do my homework because i could never be assed to do it. After all it was only primary school.

Over the few other years in primary school i had many toxic friends come and go from my life and only one really stuck around. Although she wasnt a very good person she stayed with me until year 7 where i told her to make new friends when i made new ones. I transitioned to year 7 pretty well although the homework was a bitch and so were most of my teachers. Although theyre nice people its just because im a stubborn lil bitch who refuses to do homework ahah.

Anyways i never really understood the stuff i had to do. I have troubles with comprehention and math. I work things out in more complicated ways that needed haha.

And im always too afraid to ask for help because throughout primary school i was always told i was just lazy and wasnt trying hard enough, so i always blame it on myself when i dont get it. I blame myself for alot really.

Like "maybe --- wouldve stayed around if you hadnt been so clingy". Or "you should know this, everyone else does, try harder youre being lazy." And such like that.

Honestly. This year hasnt been too bad. Its flown by without a problem, thankfully at the beginning of the year (febuary 8th) i found this kpop band, yeah kpop. Now before people start complaining or getting angry at me like they do irl. They help me releave stress, they help me deal with emotions and battles. They make me happy with their meaningful music and their dance. Their such unique and funny people and are incredibly humble dispite all of the attention and fame theyre gathering.

Im talking about BTS, 방탄소년단.

Because of them theyve helped me get through this year and hopefully many more. Im sad i hadnt discovered them earlier to be honest.

Their music helps me get through so much that my mind puts me through. They have made me want to do dancing again, made me start learning a language which i never thought id be interested in. But because of them i have something to distract myself with in the worst of times. I try not to push bts onto people because i know some people dont like it but it doesnt help when people arent open minded. Ive spoken to many older people who are more than willing to give it a listen or attempt to understand. Yet these... these.. people dont.

Anyways theyve helped me beyond belief. Although sometimes it doesnt help. Sometimes the things that i once enjoyed make me angry, stressed, hatefull and find no enjoyment out of them.

Which is when i break. When i snap. So thats why ive created this.

Each day i plan to write down 1 bad thing. And 3 or more good things. To try to focus on the better things. This is an alternative to medication. And im willing to try it.

So this will contain some thoughts that may trigger some people, that may or may not make people upset or targeted. I do not intend to. But this is a warning.

So welcome. Welcome to my output. Welcome to Me.

Enjoy your stay. Ask box will be open for those who would like some help or anything.

I like helping people. (Most of the time.)

Anyways. Lets begin.

0 notes