I often feel unsure about myself; when my chest is aching as much as it does, when I have as many unanswered questions as I do. Though, recently, I have found myself deeply appreciative for those that have wanted to be part of my life.

Sometimes terms mean certain things and belong to certain groups of people and are not meant to apply to people outside that group. And that is on purpose and valid. You can make your own terms to describe your own experiences, you don't get to take terms from other people, especially people more vulnerable/less privileged than you. If multiple people tell you that the term is not for you, respect that.

When terms get used for many different situations they get diluted and trivialized. Remember "trigger"? It was a specific medical term and is now used to mean "something that pissed or upset someone". Brain fog is now turning into abled people just being a little sleepy or out of it, not literally a clinical term for brains not functioning correctly due to various illnesses. I tell someone I have brain fog and they say lol me too XD no you fucking don't. "Spirit animal" was taken from indigenous peoples so white people could make funny haha relatable t-shirts. Two spirit almost got taken by queer white people as well (although I think most people have backed off on that hopefully).

Not everything needs to apply to as many people as possible. You don't need to and can't relate to everyone. We can still support each other while respecting differences.

(Edited ver)

lately, i've seen more people in the online autistic community acknowledging the struggles of people with higher support needs, which is of course an important development. but for some, that seems to come with the implicit assumption that low needs autistics "have it easy" or experience no stigma at all, which is just wrong??? people with low support needs are still disabled by their autism and still face discrimination because of it. sure, they are impaired to a lesser degree than those with higher support needs, but that doesn't mean you can just erase their struggles, y'know?

how ironic is it that october is dysautonomia awareness month when a lot of us are dealing with the october slide. like, yes, be aware of us during the time that our symptoms are flaring the most /lh

Chronic pain is awesome (/s) because it's like, I can't go anywhere when I'm in a flare, even to the doctors, because of the pain. But if I go when I'm NOT in a flare, my symptoms look so much more mild than they really are.

"Your range of motion seems great!" Maybe it is now but when my back pain flares I can't even turn my head without pain shooting down into my feet!

Hey btw having depression is not a requirement for being goth and if you think it is I don't like you. That's a whole chronic illness, not a part of your "goth mindset"/"aesthetic". Please reflect on that.

I just loovveee when the people around me forget I'm disabled and then expect me to do the same number of things and able bodied person can do 😡 it's so wonderful 😡 really makes me feel nice 😡

The assassination of Julius Caesar in fiction

The October Horse by Colleen McCullough // The Ides of March by Thornton Wilder //Cleopatra (1963) dir. Joseph L. Mankiewicz // A Piller of Iron by Taylor Caldwell // The October Horse, McCullough // Caesar (1937) dir. Orson Welles // Cleopatra's Daughter by Michelle Moran // Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare // The October Horse, McCullough

i wonder if when I die and death finally holds my hand and accepts it for the first time he will tell me how annoyed he is with me, how he was tired of constantly hanging around just outside my house, sometimes leaning against the doorframe of my bedroom but not coming in fully, not willing to accept my death, to let me die. He’d always leave without me, he refused to let me pass no matter how badly I wanted too. i think I’ll thank him and apologize for being such a burden for so long.

okay. i'm gonna be annoying under the read more

i'm think i've come to the conclusion that i just can't do this kind of vacation anymore! and i'm a little sad about it but like idk!! i think my body just can't handle this!! and me not being able to do this shit lines up perfectly with when my like endometriosis symptoms started showing up so idk maybe i shouldn't feel guilty about it. i kind of want to get an official diagnosis because i think then i would have like PROOF that this isn't my fault and i'm not making it up you know. like i'm in so much pain so frequently and i feel so bad if i like opt out of stuff because of it but i should be able to do that because it's so not my fault that i'm sick right. like i have to be sick right because this much pain isn't normal hfgdjksgadfh

my only two moods as a disabled arospec are "i clearly only think i'm aromantic because i feel like too much of a burden to be in a romantic relationship, i am alloromantic" and "i clearly only think i want a romantic relationship because i'm afraid to be disabled in society without the support that's usually only 'expected' from romantic partners, i am aromantic" and it almost never stops

thinking about how Unbelievably funny and also tragic it is if this is the first human lifetime that greywaren’s been, like, So So So Sick And Suicidal. like some of it is inevitable wrt industrialization drowning the ley lines and stuff, bryde was never completely full of shit wrt that, but i just. niall and mór truly TRULY gave this kid just. the WORST of their own personal qualities (rampant unchecked bipolar and rampant unchecked chronic pain/anger), along with absolutely NONE of the strengths, and then were like. you’re a toddler now. you’ll grow up a real boy! you’ll figure it out <3 we will not be helping or guiding you at all tho btw <3

like oh my god. oh my god. head in hands. fist in mouth. screm. sometimes people with generational curses will be like “okay.... any kid i carry has like an 80% chance of killing itself before it’s 40.... so i’m not sure that would be a good plan..... but also is that a eugenicist approach encouraging a world that’s super inhospitable to neurodivergence....???” meanwhile niall and mór are out here Fully no thoughts head empty both like “hell YEAH let’s have a kid we’ll be AMAZING parents we’re SO NORMAL AND ADJUSTED AND GOOD AT EVERYTHING. in fact let’s have two! gotta make sure they’re both super human though gotta preserve the humanity and all that. what’s the most defining trait of being human???? hmm..... i guess.... if we narrow it down.... maybe..... 

............

......

............

................AGONY”

like.

you GUYS,,

the amount of ends to weave in here is fucking lethal

this might be a hot take but i think we need to stop using rate of consumption or frequency of doing as a metric for versedness in a hobby or skill, or at least stop prioritizing it so highly for advice, because "do x every day/as often as possible" sounds reasonable on its own until you remember that disabled and neurodivergent people exist as well as people who literally just do not have the time in their days for their hobbies or the energy, so the implication is that because they can't do these things so often it means their skill or knowledge is inherently lesser and to that end i really think we need to start focusing more on engagement with purpose rather than engagement for the sake of engagement (whether you want to or not, whether you're actually digesting anything from it or not, etc.)

Been outside twice in one month and I still managed to catch something

i take about 8 pills every 4 hours as a like Staying Alive and Functioning routine. but it always pisses me off when i have to take even ONE more. why!!!!! i basically rattle as i walk as it is.