Ive just realized how meaningless my life actually is:)

Y'know something

I'm fucking sick and tired of today's humour over glamourising sx jokes and that shit

And being uncomfortable with and triggered by that kinda stuff but still having to see it regardless and absolutely no one giving a shit about it because it's just good ol "humour and comedy"

It’s my birthdayyyyy, so I’ve been crying for a week and questioning all my life choices 🥰

Fuck it, I’m seeing a lot of talk about Echo being a picky eater recently and I think I want to add my two neurodivergent cents to it lol

Firstly, I think it’s important to note that Echo is autistic. I know this hasn’t been stated anywhere or anything, but listing out his character quirks makes it pretty clear.

He repeats orders, arguing with his batch when they don’t follow them, and worries about doing things wrong. This feels like a safety thing to me, almost like telling kids in class to be quiet when the teacher is talking for no other reason than it feels right and them breaking rules is stressful. (can you tell I’m speaking from experience cause this whole post will be me speaking from experience bkshsjsks)

He reads and memorizes the reg manuals, liking to be caught up on the latest versions. Again, this feels like a safety thing; him wanting to know how things will work ahead of time so he can be prepared in every situation.

He doesn’t like being wrong, like when we see him refusing to back down on thinking the Seperatists Senator’s distress call is a trap (Avi Singh I think?). Even when the evidence starts poking holes in his theory, he doesn’t want to let it go. I’m not sure how to explain how this relates to autism other than that fact that autistic people just don’t like being wrong? Like it’s just hard to admit that and it’s almost scary to change your mind like that sometimes? Idrk honestly, I’m DEFINITELY not an expert lol, just saying my piece

So many of Echo’s character quirks relate directly to autism, and all of them are things I strongly relate to. (yes this is why he’s my favorite shush)

But most of all is his picky eating. And uh, this might actually get a tad heavy here but I hope this can maybe share an accurate perspective on it?

Many autistic people are fairly picky eaters, something I’ve definitely struggled with since I was born. We see Echo being skeptical of food multiple times, especially when they’re new to him. We see him eating rations bars, which would be familiar, without a second thought, but new things he’s extremely hesitant to try.

With that in mind and the headcanon (kinda) that he’s autistic, this sounds a lot like ARFID to me.

ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) is tricky to describe since there’s nothing conscious to it, its just somewhat of a mental hurdle? Like there’s a point you just can��t cross no matter what, a bit like ADHD and executive dysfunction, expect a lot stronger lol. It’s pretty much just picky eating to the extreme that a person cannot control and just makes your choices extremely limited when it comes to food.

This makes it difficult (ahem, impossible) to do seemingly basic things like trying absolutely any new foods. There are a few safe ones, maybe even a category of foods that are almost completely safe (for me: most deserts or fruits), but anything outside of that is different, it’s new, and it does not feel safe. When I say picky eating to the extreme, I mean extreme. If I’m literally starving, haven’t eaten in way too long, but the only things available aren’t safe foods? Well too bad guess I’m not eating today 🤷 It’s not much of a choice, it’s just being trapped by your own neurodivergent brain 🫠🫠🫠

It can feel childish and incredibly alienating to constantly turn down new foods or restaurants, or to order the same thing every time from a restaurant, off the kids menu or with special requests, and I just think that piece is being missed in Echo’s picky eating. Now I’m not telling anyone to stop making it a humorous thing cause it totally is in the show, but hey, I’m always here for the angst potential :)

Like what if the reason Echo still looks malnourished after joining the batch is because his safe foods like typical rations just aren’t readily available after the Empire springs up? What if the batch is on shore leave and decide to go to a restaurant and Echo has to either turn them down and explain, or force himself to go and try to tough it out? What if one of the batch makes a joke about Echo’s picky eating, just trying to make conversation or something, but Echo just fully shuts down? Maybe even Domino would joke about it at first, until Fives learned better and started helping Echo, but uhoh now he’s gone and Echo has to figure things out all over again with a new batch 🥲

Is this a fictional character that was grossed out by foods like two times and I’m just heavily projecting onto? Yeah, sure, but hey, I’d love to see more people recognizing this side of it and maybe connecting with it too :)

@gentle-hero-blog thanks for letting me sob abt this literally the minute u got home bkshsjskk <3333

(guy who just did something so embarrassing he's going to be thinking about it for years to come) yeah well you know it is what it is

Trying to mentally and physically distance yourself from an abusive family while still physically living there cos you dont have the means to move out yet is the most annoying thing. Especially when they are realising that you are pulling back and their manipulation barely works anymore so they try harder to keep you in by manipulating you even more and trying to brainwash you again even tho it didn't work on you when you were a child and would work less on you today.

Captain's Log; Distant Shores

Kind of a vent post? CW for Sexual Assault and some Internalized Transphobia. Not creative writing/worldbuilding.

It's honestly wild to me, this whole being trans thing. I chose my name, Saturn, four years ago today. In fifteen days, I start HRT properly. I've been on a hell of a journey to get here. Parents weren't on board, had to detransition twice for my own safety. I was taken advantage of sexually twice. Shit's honestly wild to me.

It makes me resent those who have everything handed to them. People whose transitions are funded by parents, those who do not feel the need to carry a weapon. I would never wish it upon anyone, but some people don't know just how good they have it.

I've had to fight for every part of my transition. I wish people would heed at least some of my advice. Carry *at minimum* pepper spray. Please, to any trans people reading this, protect yourselves, even if you live in a "supportive area". It takes one moron. It takes one chaser. For my sake, be safe.

Why am I even.. writing this? I don't know. Janus would post it anyways... so, might aswell say it myself.

You ever think about how deeply you've been wronged? Just how hurt you are. Flinching whenever someone moves a little too fast. Feeling unsafe whenever your back is turned to someone you should trust. Cowering whenever someone yells. It never occured to me before, but.. I really am broken, aren't I?

My childhood was robbed from me. I was forced to mature from the moment I could walk. I have scars everywhere from when I failed something or another. And that's all I remember of my earlier years. The punishments. The pain. How unfair I felt it was, before it was beaten into me to blame myself.

And now I'm an adult. That's not fair. I don't feel any different from when I was just a child. But I'm an adult. I'm grown. But I don't want to be. I want- I wanna be a kid for once. Limitations and all. I want to be normal. But no. I can't. Because I'm grown. I'm an adult. I don't feel like one but the law dictates that I am. Eventually I'm- I'm just gonna have to leave because I'm an adult. I have to go on my own at some point. Some point too fucking soon. Because I'm not a child. I'm not. Even... even if I sort of want to be.

I don't even know how long I'm gonna get to stay. When's the limit up? At what point does it become stupid and parasitic to stay with the only sort of parents you've ever really had? A year? Two years? Too soon. Whatever it'd be.. it'd be too soon. I want to stay forever.

I wanna get to grow up. Like how I should've. But I can't. Because I'm a fucking adult. Eighteen years of my life wasted, and I still just feed like a kid playing pretend. Trying to be something I'm not. Something more mature, something less broken. But I'm grown. That's reality. Not pretend. Not something fake to use to please others. It's just fact. I'm an adult. I don't want to be. But I am.

me: hmm yeah i think im getting over my spite for those who have had a better life than me

saturn: aren't you mad at the humans who got to be human for free?

Introduction, rabbit hole, personal note

Personally I've lost sense of what a feeling sounds like. I just know my sight to see the world is veiled by my ambivalence with being a part of it and that feels like something.

What trips me up is the words and phrases all smashed into 90 second videos, interfering with my ability to actually do anything because I'd rather watch than play, an unfamiliar game. All the words we have for brainwashing. Insemination, dogmatic, narcissistic, propaganda shoved down the opticals, spectacle.

The ironic, the hopeful, maybe this will help someone else while they go through the process, now I'm wondering if sharing actualizes what you're doing, and I'm afraid to share. Or if it just contributes to the fog. Discovering that this fog is a smoke filled consciousness echo, saying fix this fix that fix it. Inside a self righteous thunderdome for the entertainment of many, and the first platforms to live stream genocides.

Have you not experienced ego death? OH, its radicalizing, you have to see for yourself then maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Am I being dramatic.

Whatever, I'm bothered.

Bothered by society, bothered by humanity, or the lack there of, fully aware that I'm bothered by my perception but I promise I've seen through others, brightly colored, softly toned, calm stone below the crisp and shallow puddle but still underneath it all, I come back here for a reason.

There's something with our psyche, a bug, a virus, an error alert you can't just hit X. Ultimately I feel like we could at least agree on that. We deal with these popups all day, in many different ways.

Ok ok, scroll past the rabbit hole or read me through

It's intermission during the show and we decide mid conversation to start remembering backwards all the things we had said. And its really fucking hard, like memory is weird enough and now it's being tested? But I really think it's necessary, and arguments are inevitable. And to get past it all we need to be is open with a filter, the rest is just the process, processing, in a perfect mind.

But were not, we don't have perfect minds, we don't live in a perfect world, I haven't been able to re trace a conversation without yelling since the first time I tried when we were like 10 or something.

So what if we're required, to stop and listen, hear the experiences around me, its not just mine that weighs when I'm crying, there are so many of us and we all have our own to share.

Small set backs you re-calculate and re code, continue with the day. Within that we have different understandings of a small set-back.

But harsher road blocks are placed systemically for us to go through together because how the hell can a mind be well, when you have a piece of it brutalizing and dehumanizing itself with its apparently gained power? I know we can do this to ourselves everyday in small ways.

And how are we supposed be okay with this as reality! It's so easy to close your eyes when the worst isn't happening to you. The thing is there's a worse state of being that you just thought of, or you might agree that it's a malfunction to normalize the effects of poison without treating it's sickly condition. A trick of the mind.

We rationalize our misfortunes under the pretense that one is better then one, then dare to say we deserve what we have because of who I am. And who are you?

The child of a mother of a mother of a mother, where do you think I came from?

I'm going to share a corner of grief, because under the screen under the stars under the eye lids and empty hellos, I'm really fucking lonely.

I noticed you in my fear of connection, reconnecting, wanting to connect.

I've deleted, blocked and removed myself from all social platforms at least 3 times, and in just that moment of humiliation erased every number, every face, every voice, every friend that ever existed within a 10 year sphere of community. Which sounds just digital but it showed me how badly I keep in touch. That has something to do with being seen, and everything to do with seeing myself. Why is that so disgusting. 12th house sun? 1st house rising? Probably my Mercury in Pisces, something aspects around and around this deep dark pit and it makes me so fucking difficult to be around.

They tried to teach me but I don't think I understand.

And I think that's what I am most pissed off about. From the age of diapers, according to my mom, I had an expression of no fucking way are you gonna control me. Have charge over me. And with that one moment I became free to destroy myself as long as it was safe.

As long as someone could watch.

As long as someone knew.

And I never got prepared to protect myself.

With all the appreciation and gratitude I owe my parents, and the adults that raised me in tandem, and the blessing of a life I was gifted into, today I still I have to stop myself from blaming every figure that just watched me as I walked myself off a fucking cliff.

I was a kid, why wouldn't anyone stop me. Or why didn't they know? I guess they tried in they're own way, even today the way people help doesn't seem to get though my thick ass skull. So it really is still.. me huh.

Because I knew EXACTLY what I was setting myself up for, it just happened to be rooted in slowly slowly slowly ruining myself, my ambition, my hopes, my dreams, my goal was never to succeed, not in a new smart gifted way it was to ruin myself so I could at least now, finally, have a concrete reason for why I just cant get it done.

And that's going to be a whole conversation about privilege.

Right now I just feel failed by myself and anyone who could have guided me. Even typing I'm thinking fuck! I should take it all back!

And this is the feeling, so maybe to forgive myself and everyone else I have to be okay with this feeling. Because I know things now, and I knew parts then, but I stayed quite, silent, dismissive, and willing to see what would happen. Which sounds a lot like eating the poison.

But I don't know where I am now, 10 years have passed and in a very very strange way, I'm back where I started, with a twist, and it's kind of laughable, and I am maybe enjoying this, but there is a lot, a lot to talk about.

why I joined tumblr (full story)

TW VENT

I had been bullied since a young age when I went to middle school I kinda became mentally insane there when I was there ppl would always bully me cuz of my looks,”weird things” and I do stuff that are “weird to them” I had very few friends and they ended up bullying me physically(mostly mentally tho) (dw they dnt hurt me just push me ,throw things at me and stuff) I never went to a counselor or got mental help because my parents are pretty strict and they get mad at me for the smallest things and ever since I told my parents why _ they would get mad at me which made me not tell them stuff anymore and I matter what I do they always manage to find out (one time when I was 9 I had two friends who were jealous to who which one is my bff and we went to a counselor and stuff and my parents found out and blamed it on me saying I was the one jealous ever since that when I do something “wrong” my parents would always blame me but one day I just had this thought if I became famous maybe people would accept me and why I chose gacha as my passion is because 1. I’m not good at art and I refuse to be one of those cringe kids to make rly cringe vids lol 2. I heard of it when I was 8(cuz of fnaf lol) my parents made leave the internet game I had acces to gacha and stuff when I was 9 but when I got my phone I rediscovered it:D but first I needed ocs after that I kinda just forgot abt that but during winter break I wanted to make art for fun and fame but I’m not good so I tried to do a anime art generator(I didn’t realized it was wrong until the future lol) but then I discovered picrews I did my first one and it was fun I wanted to make my friends as certain characters as human wolves cuz I got interested in wolves lol then I found more picrews so I did the same thing for them lol but then I found out abt this anime dress up game(forgot the name lol) so I did it for them and that’s when I got their names I was going to do fancy words for their colors but I did it but I used it in japanese since I was interested in anime recently now I got my ocs I recreated them in gacha and I made a few vids for fun meanwhile at school the ppl there still bullied me and I was pissed for the last time so I started social media to take another step I didn’t wanted to get payed on YouTube so I didn’t do that for a while so I did Pinterest instead but I couldn’t figure out how to make posts or videos so I tried to find substitutes and turns out tumblr was one of them so quickly created an account and got started one day my friend told the ppl abt my tumblr and they tricked me (I was dumb lol) to asking me my tumblr user and they saw it and they bullied me for being a gacha person since but that didn’t stopped me as I progressed, made recent posts, tried to make my ocs look better, edit better and have good vids and here I am today as I will take my next big step soon

And with the bullying thing I left that school and got a fresh start on a new school it’s only a little bad but the ppl have no idea abt my interest on gacha(except for a few ppl but they support me) but I feel bad for leaving my bff the only one there who loved gacha just as I do but I am mean towards some people there because it’s hard to trust certain people cuz they remind me of my bullies which made me have trust issues

Idek why but for some reason even when I'm not even involved in a conflict seeing someone get mad at someone else for something they said or did it makes my heart hurt a lot and I start to feel guilty even when I have nothing to do with it idk I might just be broken but I hate hate hate conflict when it's between real people it always makes me feel affected idk don't care about this it's not important

sometimes

in the quiet of the night

right before i close my eyes

i think of you

and in that moment

i can’t help but smile..

As a brasilian if you ever ask my opinion on soccer or the World Cup i’m straight up killing you

An out-of-context comic about the cycles of life, stress, and moving forward

gotta say im usually exaggerating how much i hate retail but what does get me without fail is how often i get sick now. i can make my efforts to stay healthy but ive still gotten sick more times in the past year since i got my job than in the last several years combined. like man