#My bad for ranting I’m just so tired of this shit cause we’re both adults and she doesn’t seem to care about anyone else but her boyfriend | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

postalenha · 3 years

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on and off % jake

pairing: playboybf!jake x reader genre: angst, fluff, lovers to exes, exes to lovers idek word count: 1.89k words requested: yes / prompt 14, “we called it off again last night.” / 18, “it’s been you all along.” / 19, “for the first time, i had something to lose.” synopsis: immaturity isn't needed in a relationship, but that seems to be jake's and your's specialty. warnings: curse words, mentions of drinking, throwing up, su!cide, toxic relationship, making out

"i thought you're going with jake today?" sunghoon asked as you hop into his car.

you rolled your eyes at the thought of riding in the same vehicle as the boy, "no, we called it off again last night."

"again?!" the boy exclaimed, "y/n, that's probably the nth time you guys called it off." he sighed in disbelief, "that's not how relationships work." he commented.

judgingly looking at his way, "yeah? like you know any better?"

"shut up." he started the engine, "this isn't about my love life."

"whatever." you blurt out, "i guess being bad at handling relationship runs in our blood." you jokingly said, as your cousin laugh.

he tilt his head smiling, "damn, of all things that can be passed down, that's what we got."

"well, at least we got good looks. that works as a payoff." he added. you agreed at him with a nod, "anyway." you changed the subject.

"i'm planning on ending it with jake." you stated. he looked at you, "no shit, you sure?" he assured, "to be honest, whatever makes you happy." he added, looking like he wanted to say something but he decided not to.

"don't apologize." you led before he could even say sorry for insisting that you should date his best friend, sim jaeyun.

"i'm not- okay whatever." he almost want to deny the urge but he saw you looking at him with a teasing face, "i just feel a little responsible for all the stress this relationship have caused you." he scratch the back of his head, as you slap his arm.

"shut up, dating him was my decision. you don't have to blame yourself for all the bad decisions i made for myself. i'm an adult now." you told him.

parking his car he nod his head, "okay. just remember i'm here if things are bad, okay?"

"okay." you said, before going out of his car. walking at the corridor of your building, trying to see if jake arrived earlier than you today.

and he certainly did. there he is on his designated seat beside the window, silently watching as the wilted leaves fall down from the tree.

the clock ticks time faster than you expected and your professor came in, not able to call out for jake's name to even talk to him.

sitting down to a chair, you told yourself that you'll talk to him later. and here you are, in front of jake sim at the rooftop of your university's main building.

it might be your lucky day for no one else is here but the two of you. this place is usually cramped with so many people and miraculously today isn't one of those days.

this may be one of the many signs sent from above that this relationship should end as it wasn't right from the beginning.

your blood boils as your cousin sunghoon pushes you into the table of his friend group, "come on! you wouldn't lose anything! he just want to talk to you." he shouts.

"then tell him i don't want to!" you shout back a little annoyed. the last thing you want to do tonight is talk to the famous serial dater, jake sim. "for i know, he just wants the best out of me!"

"come on! jake's not like that!" he defended his friend. to be honest, sunghoon is the last person you should be ranting to. for he is just like his friend, they play with girl's hearts for fun.

you rolled your eyes as you reach the table of ego. the decision of naming that wasn't yours, but the other students. they called this the table of ego because everyone in here got some solid ego. heeseung, jay, sunghoon, jake. all of them.

"y/n! you actually came!" heeseung cheered as soon as he saw you, he scooted a little bit on his right to leave some space between him and jake, "come sit!"

sitting beside him was probably one of the decisions you will forever regret in your life. the memory of that night was a blur. you barely recall anything that happened then.

the only thing that you remember was when jake was reaching for a kiss, you accidentally threw up on him before passing out.

the next day, he told you to be his girlfriend to compensate with the mess you gave his brand new shirt. you said yes just so he could shut up, telling yourself you'll break up with him after a day or two.

two months then passed and you are just breaking everything now. well, it's better late than never. you just didn't expect that he would actually be a good boyfriend.

he's mostly good, not until everything gets complicated even with nothing. you fight over the smallest thing like, not being able to respond to each other's text to someone getting jealous.

it wasn't the best relationship you've been in but it was a good experience. you learned so much and now, it's time to move on.

"what is it that you wanted to say?" jake impatiently snapped you back into reality. you swallowed a good amount of saliva before saying, "let's break up."

it was better to say it forward than beating around the bush. with this, more time and energy will be saved. because even if you give him an explanation he probably won't listen.

he slowly blinked and sighed, looking away he said "okay. if that's what you want." see. he wouldn't even bother asking you why.

well, if you get things easy. they would also go easily, "okay. it was fun meeting you." you head out, leaving him there.

he most probably would not be so upset that he might think of jumping off the building, but you still prayed that he wont.

and he didn't. you can guarantee that as you see that three weeks later jake sim is with a woman walking the same isle as you are. the chances of you seeing him here at this huge mall was small, but never impossible.

you grabbed your friend's hand trying to hide from the sight of the man, "what are you doing-"

"shut up, jake is here." you told here looking at their way, walking into a clothing store. you hurriedly go and sit at a restaurant far from them and ordered food when your friend speak up.

"y/n, what's the point of hiding now when you guys already broke up?" she patheticly looked at you who's trying to hide from a menu list.

putting the menu list down on the table, you crossed your arms, "i am not hiding from him. i simply don't want to involve myself with anything that has to do with him."

"yeah, like seeing him in a shopping mall involves you with him." she said with full sarcasm. "you have no idea how pathetic that sounded."

not listening to anything she said, you started eating your pasta. almost choking when you saw a familliar figure walk in the restaurant.

trying your best to lean down and not get noticed you hear your friend call, "jake!" you kick her feet under the table as you see jake wave back and walks closer.

"what the fuck did you just do?" you whispered at her, she just smiles like an idiot as jake reach your table.

"hello, jia." he greeted your friend, "hi, y'n."

flashing a fake smile, you said "hi." satisfied with how annoyed you are, jia announced "you guys can join us! we got two extra seats here."

"we don't want to intrude-" you cut him off, "yes, there are a lot of vacant tables. they sure can find their own, right?"

serving a glass of wine, a waiter says "oh, we're fully booked, ma'am. so if you want to eat here, you have to wait for another hour or so." he said pouring some on your glass. "if you'll excuse me."

"it would be rude if we don't invite you right? so join!" your friend cheered as the girl jake's with sit next to you.

taking a sip of your wine whenever jake helps the girl cut her steak, you became unaware of how drunk you are. "so, when did you meet jake?" you asked the girl.

to be frank, she was quiet the whole time. just sitting there, not saying a thing but a "thanks." whenever jake helps her with anything.

"you can't answer that? well can you tell me if you are able to use your hands to their purpose? like cutting off a steak or puring your own glass of wine?"

"y/n-" your friend tried to stop you. but you didn't listen. you just continued to blabber nonsense until jake grabbed your wrist to the bathroom.

shaking your hand off his grip you screamed at him asking, "why did you bring me here?!"

"y/n why are you being so rude?" he calmly asked you.

you sarcastically laughed, "i'm being rude? who's more rude when you're out here eating at the same table as your ex-girlfriend and your current girlfriend?"

"current girlfriend- y/n that's my cousin!" he tried to calm himself by breathing slowly, pushing the side of his mouth using his tounge "do you really think i could replace you that fast?"

the sudden question made you feel like someone cut off your tounge. because you mostly have answer for everything but this. his question caught you off guard.

"when you broke up with me, i never asked why. i knew you were tired and i don't want to exhaust you more." you hear his voice shake as he speak. "i was also tired and we both needed a break."

you looked straight at his eyes that are sparkling from moist done by the tears that he have been trying so hard to hold back, "but as time pass by, i felt more and more empty. there is a big mark of you in my heart that ever since you left, no one has ever filled."

"nobody could ever fit in, but you." cupping your face he also wipe your tears away. "i never felt that way before. it's like, for the first time, i had something to lose."

"jake, i-" it was as if you forgot how to compose a word. you never knew he felt the same way you did when you broke up with him.

maybe sunghoon was more of your cousin than he is jake's friend. because if jake only knew how many times you told sunghoon that you miss him, he would've came back faster than this.

he smiled pulling you into a hug, "it's fine if you don't feel the same way anymore. i understand that. but i just want you to know that i am not the douchebag you think i am."

pulling away from the hug, you see his eyes were bloodshot "sorry, the last thing i want to do is make you cry-" you pulled him into a kiss not letting another word out of his mouth.

running out of breath, you seperated his lips from yours. you widely smiled at him, "it’s been you all along."

kissing outside a three star restaurant's restroom isn't as ideal as other comeback stories, but you wouldn't ask for anything else. as long as you have jake in your arms, your heart is content.

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fckwritersblock · 3 years

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Protection Forever - William Lennox

Lennox x Reader

Description: Running into an old flame at the worst possible time.

Warning: nah. Bad writing? Kinda. Unedited because I was excited. I’ll not when it’s been fixed. Somethings may not be fully aligned with the movie but I tried 😩

Word count: 2500+

Dedicated to @merakiaes hey fren!

All gifs from @meragifs too!

You were an EMT.

The two of you pulled up to meet with the other Autobots, you exiting the vehicle before he transformed. You were in awe as he and the rest of the cars all changed.

The biggest one, their leader, gave a rundown of everything that was happening once he confirmed Sam’s identity. This was just a recap for you as Ratchet had already explained. The teenage boy just stood there stuttering not really knowing how to process everything and you frowned again. That was when you really took notice of two teens just standing there. Having known what was expected of Sam Witwicky you frowned slightly.

“I don’t know about this Ratchet, he’s just kid.” You commented to the alien you had formed a quick bond with.

“And who might you be?” The one called Optimus inquired.

You gave him your name before the other yellow autobot, who you’d later learned was Bumble Bee, uttered something through his radio. It was hard for you to hear but the other robots seemed to be use to it as Ratchet responded immediately.

“The human. I like her.” Ratchet sounding irritated.

Bumblebee made another comment and right before Ratchet could respond one of the others chimed in.

“Wait why do they get humans?” Jazz asked incredulously. “I want one too!”

“Enough! Humans are not pets.” The one call Optimus Prime stated sternly, clearly tired of their bickering. You held your laugh, highly amused.

They were like siblings. A family.

“Exactly I’m just here to help and be a better tour guide than these kids can be.” You confirmed practically forcing your services on them. “Besides they need adult supervision. From the looks of it, you all do.” You grinned at everyone around you. Optimus gave a nod, agreeing.

“She stays. Let’s move.”

In that short amount of time things moved rather quickly. You watched the Autobots accidentally destroy Sam’s backyard when attempting to retrieve the glasses, you were all arrested, you escaped thanks to the Autobots, only to be arrested again.

Fail.

Finally you ended it some secret base. How get you weren’t alone. The government had apparently been on a roll with kidnapping civilians who “knew too much “.

Things weren’t going great but quickly went left when the Decepticons, the Autobot rivals, came to retrieve Megatron.

A war from another planet had officially made Earth its battleground.

You were nervous, trying to figure out how to calm everything down before things started to escalate. Nobody was going to get anywhere with all the bickering. That’s when you saw him.

It had been what? Two years?

Still, without even knowing it, without even knowing you were present, he was still able to make your heart be slow and fast at the same time. The army had aged him, but for the better making him all the more attractive but you couldn’t focus on that right now. Especially when you heard:

“The cryogenic system is failing! We're losing NBE One!”

All the soldiers begin to pack everything that they could to prepare in a fight the way they always did. It was an mirable the way Linux game orders in his men took them without a second thought. The trust there.

“That’s good. Get all the ammo you got.”

“Everything you can carry. Bring it.”

Tearing your eyes away from your former lover you grab Sam.

“Come on, we need Bee.” You reminded him, nodding in Simmons direction

“You got to take me to my car.” Sam said, then repeated when he was ignored. “You have to take me to my car. He’s gonna know what to do with the Cube.”

“Your car? It's confiscated.”

“Then unconfiscate it.” You stared blankly.

“We do not know what will happen if we let it near this thing! -“

“You don't know.”

“Maybe you know, but I don't know.”

You rolled your eyes at the insufferable mans rambling.

This was really was more about ego who was in control more than anything. The guy running the ship, clearly was on a power trip. Unfortunately for him he was facing off against soldiers . The Captain who’s eyes you could feel staring at the side of your face.

A Captain and his soldiers. Ones that really dont like to lose and take serving their country seriously.

The guy who arrested you earlier continue to argue with Sam about getting him back to bumblebee when Lennox finally pulled out his gun sick of the back-and-forth.

“Take him to his car!”

As soon as he did so all hell broke loose and everyone from both parties pulled out a weapon.

“Drop it!”

It wasn’t until One of the sector seven agents pointed a gun at the back of Will’s head that you disable to another agent and took his gun and pointed it directly and held it directly at the one pointing the gun at your ex.

“I really wouldn’t.” You warned.

You were no soldier, but Will have taught you plenty before you broke up. So did your brother, before he passed away. He actually served alongside Will but died in combat. Biking. That’s part of why you were so hurt when Will re-enlisted. When he got promoted to Captain and chose the army over you. You were terrified of losing him the way you lost your brother. The break up wasn’t that messy but you both said things you didn’t mean. In attempts to mask your own pain and hurt one another.

You know. Hurt people, hurt people.

It’s still came to no surprise that you put a bullet in someone to protect him. Together or not you’d never let anything happen to him.

“I'm ordering you under S-Seven executive jurisdiction-“ Simmons ranted.

“S-Seven don't exist.” You interjected, earning a quick appreciative glance from Will.

“Right. And we don’t take orders from people that don’t exist.”

“I’m gonna count to 5. Okay-“ Simmons attempted to threat yet again.

“Well, I’m gonna count to three.” Will deadpanned.

You knew that look. God did you know that look and it was so wrong that you were so turned on.

Finally the Secretary of defense interfered telling Simmons to do what was being asked of him. Everyone relaxed slight, weapons lowering.

“Y/n,”

“Captain.”

The Captain and couldn’t help but watch you how do you get up and prepare to go.

“So that’s her huh?” Epps commented as Will watched you run off with Sam.

“Yeah..” Will answered, mind racing.

While he knew he’d eventually see you again, he didn’t think it would be like this. You looked breath taking.

“Damn. Shorty had your back that entire time.”

“Gear up,”

“What I’m just saying I thought she was gonna put a cap in his.” Epps shouted after his Captain receiving no response.

Will knew you had his back, you always would, the same way he would always have yours. He thought of you often, the break up between two inescapable, never feeling like he did the right thing. You were always not too far from the front of his mind. Him wondering how you were doing. If you were happy. If you found somebody else. There was no doubt he regretted what had transpired between the two of you. It was his fault. He knew that. You knew that. He had ample opportunity to fight for you and he didn’t. When he was promoted Captain he felt he had to choose between you and the army. He didn’t choose you the way he should’ve. In reality he could’ve had both. However hr so caught up proven himself to his deadbeat dad that he possibly let the best thing that ever happened to him go.

Not to mention trying to atone for your brothers death. It wasn’t his fault, but he still couldn’t shake it. So without talking to you he reenlisted. Needless to say where that got him.

Now hear the both of you were in the middle of an alien war. Yeah. This is the last place he thought he’d see you.

You were numb. The battle on the highway enough to freak you out. For mommy, just a moment you thought this might be a dream but no. This is all very real. One minute you guys were just entering the city trying to lay low, next thing you know - BOOM! The explosion knocked all of you over, injuring some, killing a few. Bumblebee’s legs were partially blown off.

Getting up off the pavement you waited for the ringing in your ear to subside as you stood up, trying to study yourself when you felt a pair of arms hold you still.

You knew it was Will just by the way he touched you, you blinked hard trying not to go down memory lane.

“Are you okay?” The concern in his voice was enough to make your heart skip a bear.

“Yeah,” you nodded slowly. “Yeah I’m fine.”

Slowly you removed yourself from his grip and went to check on Sam and Mikaela. Ratchet on the other hand -

“Hmm. His pheromone levels are-“ you quickly turned on him and glared.

“Ratchet I’ll turn you into a can opener if you don’t shut the hell up.”

The robot nearly held his hands up in the surrendering position as he followed you. Will had arranged an aircraft to pick up Sam and the cube while everyone else defended themselves against the deceptive cons in a hurry to get the cube far far away before Megatron arrived. Sam was in a panic and so Michaela, you could see Will’s short fuse getting ready to exploded. It was then you decided to be an escort.

“Sam, you can’t do this alone.” Michaela fussed.

“He won’t be alone.” You commented, causing all parties involved to look at you.

“I’m going with you.” You declared.

“No.” Will didn’t even hesitated as he stepped closer to you.

“Captain Lennox-“

“No!” You grabbed him by the front of his beer and pushed him back.

“Do you see what going on out there?!” You continued to hold on to him and you yelled at him over there chose. “We’re at a war. One we are extremely ill prepared for. So get your shit together! Sam is my responsibility. I have to get this kid to safety.”

This time your hands slid up the side of his face forcing him to look at you.

“Y/n..” he breathed out leaning down toward you, and for the first time during all this madness you could visibly see he was afraid.

“I’ll be back, Will.” You assured him, briefly resting your forehead against his.

Gathering himself he pulled away, looking toward Sam then back at you.

“Go. Go!”

And then we were running.. With nothing but an M16 strapped to your back and the pistol in your hand, you ran faster than you ever have before.

The four of you were under attack once more, you and Sam doing what you had to, to avoid getting snatched up as a fight Ironhide and Ratchet defended you. Unfortunately you were too close to one of the cars that went up in flames and you were thrown into another car from the blast.

“Y/n!” You could feel the blood on your forehead as you slowly pushed yourself up. As you tried to stand you immediately stopped feeling the pain in your thigh. Looking down could see the damage that had been done. The blood surrounding the afflicted area.

“Wha- what, what do i do?!” Sam asked frantically once he took notice of your injury.

“You gotta keep going Sam. I’ll be fine.”

He stood fo his feet, unsure of what to do. When Ironhide told him the same thing.

“Go!” You screamed once more.

Sam left and continued to run without you as you, as quickly as possible, as you tore your focus away from him to pull the shard of glass in your leg out. Ripping a piece of your shirt off you tightly tied it around your thigh in order to stop the bleeding. There was no point in going forward now but the return back to everyone else and help them fight.

You just had to avoid getting killed in the process.

You seen a car steering wheel, a Mountain Dew vending machine and and Xbox all turn into one of those freaky ass robots right before your eyes. All of which you helped others fight off. It was so surreal. In fact, if it wasn’t for the constant ringing in your ear from all the explosions you definitely think you were dreaming. You almost made it back to Lennox and his men when another Decepticon stood between between you and your destinations. They were definitely taking a beating. You saw Epps shooting a green laser indicating the robot that doubled as a helicopter wasn’t a friendly and decided to do what you could to keep the Decepticon from getting any closer to them and hurting any more civilians. In an attempt to draw it away from everyone else, you begin to fire your weapon giving it everything you had.

Unfortunately, the side effective taking its attention off the others meant putting the attention on you.

You ran trying to duck and dodge a bullets now directed your way.

But Will. Will’s heart dropped. Seeing you there defending yourself alone. His pause was brief, the air forces plan already in motion, before he started the motorcycle and was speeding in your direction.

“William!” You screamed for him fearfully as he drove straight toward the robot.

The only thing you could hear was your heartbeat pounding in your ears. You almost couldn’t breathe, you don’t remember the last time you ever felt so scared in your life. But it wasn’t your life you feared for was it?

He rushed forward and slid under the robot continuing to firing the launcher. All you could do was watch as he drove toward you. Toward the danger your mind wondering if he did that on a regular basis. Was this the life of a soldier? What he went through day after day when he was deployed?

Standing up he only spared the parts of the dismembered robot a glance before shouting and turning looking for you. In a matter of seconds he was standing directly in front of you and pulling you into his arms.

Relief.

There was nothing like physically being about to touch someone, hold someone to really know they were okay.

“So…” you began, suddenly feeling nervous. “...That was hot-“

Before you were able to get another word in, he captured your lips with his kissing you roughly and bringing you closer, hands on the small of your back. You couldn’t help it kiss him back just as fiercely put in every emotion you had into that kiss.

Every ounce of passion he had in body, put into this kiss, your lips just as soft, kiss just as pure as he remembered. When you kissed, he knew he was a goner and could never let you go again.

It has been two years since the last time you guys have been this close. This intimate. Reconnected. The feeling it gave you, the indescribable feeling, was one neither one of you ever wanted to forgo again. Pulling back slowly, you both had smiles on your faces, Will pulling you closer to plant a kiss on your forehead.

“Excuse me,” Epps interrupted.

The both of you turning your attention on him.

“As cute as this shit is it’s highly inappropriate in the middle of the battle. I’m just saying we are trying to stay alive and shit.”

———————————————

Oh my fu- I don’t even know what this isssss

Couldn’t tell you what my original ideas was or nothing. I believed this was going to short-

I enjoyed writing it though! Shoutout again to @merakiaes for being on this lennox train with me lol

I’m just....I’m just gonna leave this mess here.

Bye

- Mo

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Tags: @merakiaes @lilythemadqueen

#transformers imagine #transformers #Captain William lennox #william lennox #Lennox x reader #sam witwicky #will lennox x reader #transformers x reader #black!reader #Sam witwicky x reader #optimus prime

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haikyuuuuuhypeeeee · 3 years

Text

Ch. Twelve

⚠WARNING: Swearing, arguments, mention of past character's death

• ────── ✾ ────── •

“So, you’re the Osamu Y/N won’t stop talking about?”

You shove Makki’s face away from it’s imagined perch between yours and Osamu’s shoulders.

“Ouch! So mean~~~”

“You’re fine,” you reply with an eye roll. You knew your friends would want to tease you about Osamu’s appearance at group therapy, which just wrapped up. At least they waited until the five of you were outside and away from the other group session attendees. But that doesn’t mean that you welcome their inquisition.

“I apologize for my boyfriend.” Mattsun steps up. He offers his hand to Osamu. “Matsukawa Issei. The strawberry idiot is Hanamaki Takahiro.”

Osamu, still mute, reaches forward and grabs Mattsun’s hand. “Miya Osamu, but it looks like you know that already.”

You blush furiously as Mattsun grins at Osamu. “Yeah, we do.” Mattsun shoots you an evil look. “We all went to high school together, so we have all the dirt on Y/N whenever you want it.”

“Okay, that’s enough of that.” You interject and step between Mattsun and Osamu. You feel your face is burning with embarrassment so you turn your back to Osamu and give Mattsun a glare. He returns it with his own lecherous grin, with Makki perched on his shoulder with a shit-eating smile of his own.

A laugh behind you makes you crane your neck over your shoulder and you send another glare to Osamu.

“I might have to take ya up on that offer.”

You now realize that it may have been a bad idea to have Osamu, your dry, sarcastic friend, meet Mattsun and Makki, your dry, sarcastic and just as prone to stirring the pot friends.

“There will be no sharing of any stories, by anyone.” You know Mattsun and Makki have enough to fill books upon books of your previous exploits, but you’re also addressing Osamu, who for sure has a few embarrassing moments he could share.

Osamu, Mattsun and Makki chuchle at your request, and while you silently lament at that budding friendship that will only cause you future headaches, you notice Oikawa standing off to the side looking bored.

“Osamu, this is Oikawa Tooru,” you introduce him, knowing that he’s not jumping up to dazzle and charm. “Oikawa, this is Osamu.”

Oikawa turns his gaze to you, pausing to glare with all the contempt he can manage, before looking at Osamu. “I’ve just gone through an emotional and draining therapy session so I apologize for not being bright and unaffected like some of us.”

“Stop it,” you hiss at him. He’s not lying, as he always cries in group therapy (which you would never fault him for.) But you’re not sure if his jab at the end was directed at Osamu, who sat quiet and stoic for the entire meeting, or not.

Either way, Oikawa’s behavior right now is ridiculously inappropriate.

But Osamu just chuckles. “Nah, I get it. People have different emotional responses and cope differently.”

Oikawa doesn’t reply but his eyes narrowing means he’s not happy with Osamu’s mature response.

“Well after our sessions we usually go grab some dinner,” Makki says, trying to diffuse the tension. “You’re more than welcome to come with, Osamu.”

Bless your sweet heart, Makki, you think. He’s always nice and polite and you knew you could count on him to open the group to Osamu.

But of course Oikawa has to slam that door shut and lock it. “Oh, so sorry Osamu-kun but we actually have to discuss a gathering coming up soon.” He gives Osamu a simpering smile with no ounce of regret at all. “I’m sure you understand.”

Yet again, Osamu takes his rudeness in stride and nods. “Of course, I’m pretty tired anyway. But thanks for the invite.” He looks at you and smiles. “Coffee tomorrow?”

You nod, unable to speak around the rage bubbling in your gut. You don’t react when Osamu waves to your friends and walks away - you’re zeroed-in on Oikawa, who is expertly avoiding your gaze. You keep your anger reigned in as it threatens to explode.

“Oikawa,” you start in a low voice. Your teeth are grit together and your hands are shaking.

“I’m feeling dumplings for dinner.” Oikawa doesn’t even acknowledge you calling out to him before turning away and heading up the sidewalk. He also doesn’t bother checking to see if you guys are following him.

The arrogance and gall that Oikawa's showing to you guys, his friends, makes you see red. You open your mouth to scream when a hand rests on your arm.

“Not here,” Mattsun says. “Let’s talk like adults, c’mon.”

He pulls you forward, Makki flanking your other side. The three of you follow Oikawa's figure, now several yards ahead. You know your friends are close to you to try and keep you calm but your brain is supplying reason upon reason to pummel Oikawa into the ground.

He’s waiting for you all outside of a restaurant your group frequents, and when he spots you getting closer he goes inside.

He’s delusional if he thinks he’s safe there.

When you walk inside you catch him getting a table for four. Mattsun walks ahead and takes the empty seat next to Oikawa, leaving you and Makki to sit across from them. You’re glaring daggers at Oikawa, who still hasn’t looked your way.

The table is silent, even when a waiter comes by, fills the water glasses, and leaves. You don’t look away from Oikawa as he peruses the menu. The anger you feel is nearly boiling over, the contained fury making your hands shake again. The culmination of events from the past few weeks has brought you to this moment - it just took Oikawa being unnecessarily rude to Osamu, someone who does not deserve that kind of behavior, for you to finally address the issue.

“Oh, maybe we should do dumplings for Iwa-chan’s picnic celebration.”

Like a rubber band, you snap.

Your hand comes down on the table, hard. “I cannot believe how rude you were to Osamu. You had no right!”

Out of the corner of your eye you see other patrons glancing at your table, and Mattsun and Makki look ready to step in and intervene. But your eyes are trained on Oikawa, who has finally met your gaze. His eyes are sharp and his mouth pulled down.

“Well Osamu-kun wasn't the friendliest either.” Oikawa shoots back. “It wouldn’t have hurt him to be a bit more outgoing.”

“You said it yourself. It was an emotional and draining therapy session.” You smile meanly, relishing in throwing the words back in Oikawa’s face. “And it doesn’t help that you were being a total prick.”

“Hey guys, c’mon.” Makki speaks up but is ignored.

Oikawa replies to you scathingly. “Well excuse me for not wanting to be BFFS with the person that you’re replacing us with!”

“What are you talking about?” You ask, exasperated.

“You heard me.” Oikawa snaps. “You’ve barely been talking to us or hanging out with us since meeting Osamu, and it’s obvious that we’re being replaced.”

You laugh, tickled at Oikawa’s audacity. “I spent nearly every day with you last week, how can you say I’m replacing you?!”

“You’re only there because I asked you to be!” Neither if you are shouting yet but you know it’s not far off. “You’re not even there all the time, you’re texting Osamu when you’re supposed to be helping me!”

“Well maybe it’s because Osamu doesn’t make me feel like shit, and doesn’t constantly guilt me into being your friend.”

“Or maybe it’s because he’s giving you the kind of attention that we can’t give you.”

You freeze, a loud ringing echoing in your ears. “Excuse me?”

“Knock it off, guys.” Mattsun’s request falls on deaf ears. You’re both wading into dangerous territory, and some part of your brain is telling you to back off unless you want to ruin your friendship with Oikawa. But another, more feral part of your brain is telling you to ruin him.

“I don’t know what your fucking problem is Oikawa, but maybe you should take a look at how you’re treating your friends. And then realize that’s why no one wants to hang out with you.

“Maybe you’ll realize that monopolizing our time and punishing us for doing things without you isn’t the best way to keep us around.”

You don’t stop the sneer that comes across your face. “And you say that I’m a shit friend - you’ve haven’t been keeping up with me either. Makki and Mattsun are the only ones who have asked me how I’ve been. They’re the only ones who noticed that I’ve been losing weight and sleeping less. They’re the only ones who’ve asked if I’m okay when I’m clearly not, because they use their goddamn eyes and actually give a shit about someone other than themselves!

“I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning but somehow I still made time to wait on you hand and foot, and this is the thanks I get?” You're breathing heavily at the end of your rant, staring down your friend across the table.

Oikawa doesn’t give any indication that your words had any effect on him. “What do you want, Y/N?” He asks patronizingly. “You want a pass because you’re tired? We’re all fucking tired. You want sympathy because you miss Iwa-chan? We ALL miss him. What, do you think you’re special because you’re in love with him?”

A horrid silence settles on the table, more devastating than any barb you or Oikawa have flung at each other. You feel your heart jolt painfully in your chest and the air is pulled from your lungs in a whoosh.

“What?” Makki asks faintly.

You’re frozen still, staring at Oikawa who now has a matching look of horror on his face. His breathing picks up, and his eyes shimmer.

“What are you talking about?” Makki asks, his voice a bit stronger than before.

“Y/N.” You thaw enough to turn your head and meet Mattsun’s dark eyes boring into yours. “Do you love Iwaizumi?”

You glance back to Oikawa, who’s eyes have filled with tears. “Y/N-chan,” he gets out, audibly fighting through his tears.

Another beat passes before your flight instinct fully kicks in and you take off.

Your friends call after you, Oikawa’s distressed voice louder than the rest, but you don’t stop. You head out into the sidewalk, not bothering to stop the tears falling as you walk home alone.

• ────── ✾ ────── •

A/N: And there it is....Y/N's secret is out. Definitely not in the way that anyone wanted, let's hope things even out in the aftermath (😬😬😬) Thank you all for reading!

Taglist Open! Please send an Ask with the request to be added to It’s [Not] Okay Fic & SMAU: @psycho-nightrose @camcam1617 @kamalymaly @toobsessedsstuff @shookykookie30 @roro-707 @qualitygiantshoepsychic @cerealfrdinner797 @ara-mitsue @gray-444 @tanakasimpcorner @rintarovibes @jellien @everytimeswift @@bongofrito @babucrow @beidouluvr

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romansleftshoulderpad · 4 years

Text

Take A Chance On Me

Ship: Royality

Word Count: 3,127

Warnings: Mentions of being horny, breakups

If you change your mind, I’m the first in line. Honey, I’m still free. Take a chance on me.

Patton had never been one for sunbathing, but he was rather inclined towards any activity that involved Roman. The warmth was like a blanket, keeping him cozy and safe (though Logan would warn quite the opposite, going on a lecture about the dangers of overexposure to ultraviolet rays). Patton was with Roman, that was safe enough for him.

“He just wasn’t my style, I guess,” Roman said, continuing on his rant. Patton was trying to listen, but the sun was putting him to sleep. He wondered if Roman would have to wake him with a kiss.

“What is your style?” Patton teased. “A knight in shining armor?”

“Hey, knights have to be strong under that armor. If a buff strong man wants to suplex me then he can go for it.”

“What if he has a frog face?”

Roman thought for a moment. “I can live with that. If he keeps his helmet on.”

Patton laughed, which made Roman laugh, which only made Patton laugh even harder. He moved his hand, letting it brush up against Roman’s. He wanted to grab his hand. He wanted to take his face and kiss him senselessly.

But the timing wasn’t right.

“Carlos sucks.”

Roman shrugged. “He’s fine. I don’t regret dating him or anything. I think it could’ve worked out if things were different.”

“Things?”

“If we were a year younger. If I didn’t know what I know now.”

“And what do you know now?”

Roman moved his hands to his chest- away from Patton- and looked to the sky. He didn’t answer, but Patton could hear him humming under his breath. It was a song he recognized from Into the Woods but he couldn’t think of a title. The two went back to cloud gazing and laid in silence. He closed his eyes, tucked under the warm blanket of sunlight, and tried to fall asleep.

If you need me, let me know, gonna be around

Roman and Patton had been friends for longer than either of them could remember. But what Patton does remember is years of movie marathons and blanket forts with a projector turning the ceiling into the galaxy. He remembers losing a tooth when they were ten and Roman pulling one of his own out in solidarity. He remembers that wasn’t a pretty picture.

He remembers being thirteen. He remembers clearing “Am I Gay quiz” from his search history time and time again. He remembers watching his friends start dating. He remembers thinking of Roman.

Roman was someone Patton always considered fortunate. Roman never had to come out, no one ever expected him to be one thing or another. Patton remembered when they were twelve and Roman told him about how he learned how to kiss in a game of spin the bottle.

Patton remembers feeling jealous. Not of Roman, but of those who had the honor of kissing someone so carefree.

The honor of kissing Roman so carefree.

He remembers being thirteen and laying by Roman’s side as Dumbo played on screen. He wasn’t watching, there wasn’t any point.

“Roman,” he whispered, “when did you know?”

Roman glanced at him in confusion. There wasn’t much light, but his braces shined from the television screen. “How did I know-“ Patton turned away. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, hey,” Roman whispered. He grabbed the remote and hit mute, giving them a moment of privacy. “You don’t, really. You just find someone attractive- and sometimes you don’t even know what that means- and you just... figure it out.”

“That sounds so simple but-“

“It’s not,” Roman sighed. “It’s not simple. But you’ll figure it out, okay?” Patton didn’t look convinced. “You have a whole lifetime to figure yourself out.”

Patton grabbed the remote, turning the volume back on and making it just louder than comfortable. “Thanks, Roman.”

If you’ve got no place to go, if you’re feeling down

He can still remember being angry, boiling with rage just after homecoming. He found Roman crying in the school parking lot. There was still an hour left of the dance.

“Roman?” he whispered.

“P- Patton, I- What are you doing here?”

“Roman, I’m here. What happened?”

Roman wiped at his eyes, stepping back into the shadows to try to hide. Nevertheless Patton knew that his cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes were red with pain. “He broke up with me,” he whispered. “At homecoming, of all things!”

“He’s an asshole and he doesn’t deserve you,” Patton said. “Can I hug you?”

Roman gave a weak nod and let himself fall into Patton’s arms. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to see me like that.”

“Roman, please, don’t apologize for feeling.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, listen to me,” Patton said. “My date and I were going to go get ice cream. You should come, I think it’ll help.”

“I’m not going to third wheel on your date.”

“Oh, no, we’re just here as friends.”

“Still-“

“You need friends right now.”

“Okay,” Roman sighed. “Okay.”

Patton smiled and took his hand, walking him through the parking lot towards the only lit car around. “Roman, I want you to meet Logan.”

If you’re all alone, when the pretty birds have flown Honey, I’m still free Take a chance on me

It was March when Roman and Carlos broke up. It was mid-April now. The four of them were tucked up in Patton’s living room, watching the rain outside. Virgil, Patton’s new roommate, was half asleep with his head on Logan’s shoulder.

“Go fish,” he said, barely coherent.

“How are you this tired at three in the afternoon?” Roman teased, grabbing another card.

“Movin’s hard,” he yawned. “Logan, got any aces?”

“The only ace I have is myself,” Logan said. “Go fish.”

Patton grinned. “Logan made a dad joke!”

“Fuck.”

“Didn’t you move in a week ago?”

“Roman, be nice,” Patton said with a frown. “You can’t move in on day one.”

Virgil flashed him a smile and took a card. They continued playing for another hour or so before Virgil actually had fallen asleep. Roman and Logan had carried him off to his bed while Patton loaded up a movie. The storm was coming in harder and no one wanted to leave.

Gonna do my very best and it ain’t no lie

Patton smiled, quick to take Virgil’s place against Logan’s shoulder. He gave a fond sigh, accepting his fate. After knowing him for years, one simply grew accustomed to Patton’s displays of affection. (And, while Logan would never admit it, Patton’s friendship was the perfect way to stave off touch starvation.)

As the movie started, Patton could see the sad glances from Roman. He reached out and grabbed his hand, watching Roman’s eyes light up like the same old galaxy projector they’ve used for years.

If you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me. Take a chance on me.

He had Roman exactly where he wanted him.

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we’re together.

It was the first clear day in a week. Roman was stealing Patton from Virgil for all of it. They were hand in hand walking through the park on the way to Roman’s house. It was a perfect day.

Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better

When Patton and Roman were little they could lay in the same bed and feel all the space of the world between them. They were so small and the mattress was only a continent. But they’re bigger now, adults now, and the two of them on the same float drifting in the middle of Roman’s pool didn’t offer the same space. The sun was still beating down on them, but it felt different now. Their skin was still damp and Roman kept his arm around Patton’s waist to stay afloat. Patton could feel his breath on his skin.

It was hot. And Patton was dying.

He pressed his hand against the side of Roman’s face and moved even closer, smirking as he did so. He waited a moment for Roman to respond, loving the way he turned bright red. Patton held his breath and rolled off of the float, taking Roman down with him. When the resurfaced Roman’s hair was stuck to his face and he was coughing up water.

“You FIEND!” he yelled, splashing Patton with water. “Ugh! It’s in my nose! Fuck, it burns!”

Patton only continued laughing, watching Roman’s every movement. Behind him, things were blurry. They didn’t need to be focused on because Roman was there and he was the most important person alive.

Maybe he just needed to put his glasses on.

He swam over to Roman and grabbed his hands, pressing their foreheads together. “However can I make it up to you?” he teased.

“I-”

“Yes?”

Roman moved away, taking his hands back to himself. “I think we should, uh, dry off. I’m going to take a shower. If you want to too, you can- wait shit-” Patton almost felt bad for how flustered he was. Almost. “I just mean like after I’m done and-” He stepped out of the water, and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist.

“I know what you mean, Roman,” Patton said. “Go dechlorinate yourself.”

“Right,” Roman gave an awkward wave, hanging his swim trunks up on the towel rack and heading inside.

‘Cause you know I’ve got so much that I want to do When I dream I’m alone with you It’s magic

It was later that month when they saw each other again. It was different from their typical meetings, Roman had called him late at night. “Hey,” he whispered. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t,” Patton lied. He glanced at the clock. Just past one in the morning. He held back a yawn.

“I- It’s stupid, nevermind. I shouldn’t be bothering you right now.”

“Roman. You’re never a bother to me.”

There was a moment of silence, and Patton wondered in Roman had fallen asleep. All he could hear was breathing.

“Roman?”

“Do you, um, want to watch a movie? Like we used to?”

“We both know you’re not calling me at one in the morning just to watch a movie,” he said.

“Oh.”

“I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair

He walked into Roman’s bedroom exactly twenty-seven minutes later. He slipped his shoes off and let himself fall into Roman’s bed. “Welcome back to childhood.”

Roman brushed his hand against Patton’s. “Yeah. Just like childhood.”

Patton wanted to grab his hand. He wanted to take his face and kiss him senselessly.

“So, why did you call me?” He decided to let that choice be Roman’s. “You must’ve wanted to talk about something.”

“I was thinking,” he admitted. “About Carlos.”

Patton felt something settle in his stomach. Something bad.

“And I don’t like thinking about him.”

“Are you upset about the breakup?”

“No,” Roman said. His fingers brushed against Patton’s again. “You know me. I don’t like to regret the past.”

“Do you regret the breakup?”

“No, Patton, stop.” He sighed. “I regret being with him. And I don’t like that.”

“Oh.”

“He was a rebound, I guess. A distraction. He loved me and I loved that. I loved the attention.”

“Sounds like a few old memories of mine.”

“I was too busy waiting for someone to love me back. And now, I’ve been waiting for so long that I don’t know if he’ll ever-”

“Roman.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

But I think you know

Roman moved so slowly and carefully. Patton held his cheeks in his hands and pulled him forward, kissing him like there was nothing else in the world.

That I can’t let go

“There isn’t a world where I don’t love you.”

“Oh,” Roman tiredly murmured. “Does that mean we can kiss again?”

Patton pressed a tender kiss to his cheek. “You need to sleep.”

“No, I don’t.” Roman yawned. “I need you.”

“I’m here for you, Roman.” Another kiss. “Now go to sleep.” And the world went quiet. And the world went black.

Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you

They decided to wait a few days before telling everyone. Roman, however, wasted no time stealing every bit of Patton’s affection. “I’m starved,” he’d said. “I’ll die without your kiss, my love.”

“You’re being dramatic,” Patton said, pressing a kiss to Roman’s cheek as he made pancakes. Roman was holding onto his waist, resting his head on his lover’s shoulder. “I love you, Princey.”

Roman hummed. “Love you too, Pattoncake.”

“Awww. Roman that’s adorable.”

“Only because you are.”

Patton squealed, turning around to hide his face in Roman’s chest. He was a blushing mess; he felt like Roman when they were merely flirting.

“Your pancakes are burning, darling.”

“Fuck the pancakes, my face is burning.”

Roman laughed and flipped each of the pancakes quickly before lifting Patton’s chin and kissing him softly. “You’re too easy.”

“Could’ve said the same about you in that pool float.”

Roman kissed him again. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

“That’s how I wanna go,” Patton said. “Now go, sit, I need to make sure these don’t burn.”

Let me tell you now

They decided to tell everyone at the next game night, though it never really came to that. Logan had walked in on them making out in the kitchen, muttering “Fucking finally” before grabbing a soda from the fridge and walking out.

Patton blushed and hid his face in Roman’s chest as they both failed to hide their laughter. “I suppose we should get back to cards.”

Roman hummed, snaking his arms around Patton’s sides and pulling him close. He pressed a kiss to Patton’s lips and let it melt into more as sugar dissolved at his touch. “I have much more fun things in mind than cards.”

“Baaabe.”

“Yes?” Roman asked, kissing him again.

“If you two don’t get your asses over here I will stab you both,” Logan called.

Virgil then continued, shouting, “STOP BEING FUCKING HORNY!”

Roman laughed. “Let’s get back to cards.”

My love is strong enough

They settled into a nice routine. They spent more time together, yes, but also readjusted to spending time apart. Being a couple felt natural, it was hard to imagine living any other way.

Patton was laying in bed, squinting at his phone screen without his glasses. He smiled, half asleep but not willing to end his conversation so quickly. Roman was gushing about some book series or maybe it was a YouTube video, Patton really couldn’t tell. But it didn’t matter, seeing the stream of texts was comforting enough.

Pattoncake: Wait, hold on

Princey: ???

Pattoncake: I love you <3

Pattoncake: Okay, keep going

He smiled at his phone. He knew there had been times in life when he had been hurt. Upset. Injured. But Roman made it feel like nothing bad existed. Roman made everything feel like love.

To last when things get rough It’s magic

“Fuck,” Roman groaned.

“What’s wrong?” Patton asked, leaning against his shoulder.

“Tomorrow got cancelled due to weather.”

“That’s Florida for you.”

He groaned in response. “Florida can suck my dick.”

“But then I’d be out of a job.”

Roman’s face went bright red as Patton laughed, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Patton said, “We can still be gay in the rain.”

“Not with the other gays though.”

“We can be gay together. We can hang out with our friend gays.”

“I guess.”

“There’s other events,” Patton reminded. “Just let the weather pass. I’ll make tomorrow special.”

You say that I waste my time, but I can’t get you off my mind

Roman was out getting groceries while Virgil and Logan were sneaking into his apartment with every rainbow thing they could find. The apartment was covered wall to wall in flags and lights and for some reason a framed picture of the kiss scene from Love, Simon that had not been there before.

“Patton, I don’t intend to sound rude, but,” Logan looked up and down at Patton’s rainbow suit, “is this, perhaps, a bit superfluous?”

Patton adjusted Logan’s lapel pin, a heart in the colors and arrangement of the demisexual pride flag. “I’m dating Roman, if it’s not extra it’s not us.”

Logan rolled his eyes but gave a fond smile. “I will never understand how I am friends with either of you.”

“Yeah, yeah, love you too. Now I need you and Virgil to show how much you love me by leaving, Roman will be back any minute now.”

No, I can’t let go

Roman’s hair was sticking to his face when he came inside. He dropped the grocery bags by the door when he saw everything around him.

‘Cause I love you so

“Patton, what the fuck is this?”

“Surprise,” Patton said. “Or should I say ‘surpride!’”

Roman smiled, picking up the grocery bags and putting them properly on the counter. “You look ridiculous.”

“Do you not like it?”

“Oh, Patton.” Roman pulled him in close, holding his cheeks in his hands. “I adore it.”

Patton leaned into the touch, pressing their lips together. “I adore you.”

“Not as much as I adore you.”

“Hmm, nah,” Patton hummed. “I think I love you the most.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Maybe,” he said with a smirk. “OH! I have to show you something!” He grabbed Roman’s hand and they ran into the living room. Patton pressed play on his phone and grabbed Roman’s hands.

“You can’t slow dance to Troye Sivan.”

“Maybe not,” he said. “But I want to. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me

Patton pressed his head against Roman’s chest.

If you need me, let me know, gonna be around If you've got no place to go when you're feeling down

“We should stay like this forever.”

“What? Dancing?” Roman asked. “People have died from that.”

“No, not dancing,” Patton said. “I mean...”

If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me

“Together. Forever.”

Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie If you put me to the test, if you let me try

“I agree completely, my love.”

Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me

#royality #ts royality #my royality retinas #sanders sides fic #sanders sides royality

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rioskingdom · 4 years

Text

Amor Pasado

Chapter 3

"I think I'm gonna puke," I slammed my eyes shut, taking the precaution of even covering them with my hand.

"Why did you come into an empty room," Cesar shouted. I heard the sound of objects being stepped on.

"Oh were gonna be judging me for coming into an empty room, not the sex-crazed teens, getting it on, in the teacher's desk!" I cringed at my own comment, shaking the thought of the kids having sex. "I have a free period, so I come into this room, it has the best signal in the whole school," When the room fell silent, I opened my eyes, moving my hand away.

Monse and Cesar both stood straight up, looking guilty as ever. "so we're just gonna go," Cesar tried walking away, Monse following close behind him but I called them out.

"how long has this been going on," I asked them.

Cesar was scratching the back of his neck, "the first time was before camp,"

"Then it started again about two weeks ago" she added. "Don't tell the crew," Monse pleaded. Why she was scared of telling Ruby and Jamal beat me, but it wasn't my secret to tell.

"Monse, I'm honestly trying to forget about it myself," I sighed, rubbing my hands against my face.

"I always did find you two very cute, even when you were kids," Both of them beamed, "You know you cant keep it a secret forever," they both nodded their heads. "Be careful where you guys are having sex, next time it'll be a teacher" I warned, as they left the room.

This room would forever be scarred in my head, not making me want to sit here anymore. I darted towards the library, while you still had a free period.

---

"You sure you dont want to go to the dance?" Olivia was picking pieces of clothing, shoving them in a bag. I shook my head, lowering my laptop screen.

"Dances aren't my scene, plus it's gonna be filled with ninth and tenth graders, no offense," she laughed, grabbing her bag. "Ok, have fun alone in this room," She giggled.

"Im gonna have so much fun, working on my homework!" Ruby came in, talking nonsense about being woke, after a few years with him, I learned how to turn my hearing off with him. Once they left, I focused on my homework. My grades had to be perfect, I had to give Cornell no reason to reject me.

There was a knock on the door, at first, I was gonna ignore it, but when I heard the second knock, I got up heading to the door.

When I opened the door, Victoria stood there, "Hey Carmen," I leaned against the doorway, examining her. "I missed you,"

"I dont," I responded, making her take a step back.

"I talked to the headmaster," she continued. "she's willing to forget the past and let you back into the school," Of course she would, hoping I dont tell the school board about her rendezvous with her students.

Her hand moved to hold mine, "we could be together again,"

I considered the possibility of returning, missing my friends, my professors, actually having a shot of going to Cornell. I looked down, watching as her hand, which once felt warm and comforting, now felt cold and stonelike. I peered up at her, my hand slipping from hers.

"I think its time for you to go," I mumbled. Focusing my attention on the flower pot, outside the door.

"Come on Car' we all missed you up there," She leaned closer.

"Dont call me that," I snapped at her, pushing her back. "you lost that right when I caught you screwing the headmaster," I spat at her.

"It wasn't like that, you're naturally smart," she defended herself, "I had to find a way to keep my grades up to stay in Gardensfield,"

"Are you expecting me to feel sorry?" I asked her. Whatever excuse she tried giving, it didn't change the fact, she cheated on me. Her eyes fell on my wrist.

"You took off your bracelet?" I walked away, going to my room, grabbing the bracelet that I threw on the floor weeks ago. I got to the door, handing her the bracelet.

"Have a nice life, Victoria," I slammed the door shut, resting my back against the door. My breath growing ragged as my chest felt heavy. Someone came from behind me, giving me a hug. I turned to them, seeing Abuela.

"Abuelita?" She backed up, coughing behind her, I'm assuming to not cough on me.

"Im sorry you had to see that Abuelita," I apologized, taking in a deep breath.

"no need to apologize, you should go out, have fun, forget this Victoria person,"

"I have homework," I tried to explain, but abuelita started nudging into my room.

"Nonsense, youre only young once," she was right. I couldn't go back to writing math problems. But where would I go? I'd never step foot in a high school dance. I sent Cesar a message, see if maybe he knew of a party, since he was in the gang.

there's a party at Monse, dance got canceled

Good enough excuse. I grabbed my phone, heading to Monse's.

----

I was getting lost in Jasmine's story, as I finished downing my beer. I walked to her fridge, grabbing another one.

"You sure thats a good idea, thats your third one," Monse told me. Who was she to judge?

"Hey im the adult here," I told her, keeping my sentences short and sweet.

"You're 17, "I stuck my tongue out on Monse, opening up my beer.

I looked to Jasmine cheering her on, "Jasmine, so tell me that story about your third nipple," I started drinking my beer, walking to her as she started gushing on how she discovered it. The minute I sat on the couch, I stood back up, coming to the realization that I had to pee very bad.

"I have to pee," My memory was pulling tricks on me, I couldn't remember where Monse's bathroom was. I've been here a few times, so why can't I remember the location. I stumbled into Monse's bedroom, realizing this wasn't the restroom. My eyes fell onto Cesar, who was on the phone.

"Cesar," I whispered, trying to be quiet. He looked up at me.

"Oscar hold on," he turns to look at me

"That's Oscar?" he nodded his head, "tell him he's a poopy head," Cesar smiled, saying something on the phone. I looked down, spotting a penny on the floor. It must be my lucky day.

"Yup," He hung up the phone as I reached down for the quarter. I shot up, acting as if I didn't have my hand on the cookie jar.

"Cesar I'm lost, I need the bathroom," He looked confused.

"What?" he laughed, not understanding me.

"I have to pee," His mouth shaped into an "o" taking me to the bathroom. Once I finished using the restroom, I went to the sink, washing my hands, before spattering some of the water onto my face.

I stumbled outside of the bathroom, seeing Jasmine passed out on the couch. I walked outside, taking my bottle with me, needing some fresh air.

I sat on the porch, looking at the night sky. Oscar came up to me, sitting next to me, "Aren't you a little too grown for this party," I asked him, giving him a smile.

"I would say the same to you," He said.

"I can do whatever the hell I want," I answered, lifting the beer bottle, getting ready to take a sip. Oscar grabbed the bottle from my hands, moving it away from me.

"Pendejo!" I cursed, turning to him.

"Que te pasa?" he scolded. Okay, dad.

"Nothing," I told him, but his face read that he wasn't gonna give up. By now I was tired of Oscar's bullshit. I haven't even forgiven from last week, leaving me hanging that way. My anger sobered me up pretty quickly, causing me to stand up, so I could face him.

"Oh my god, what is up with you, no quieres ser mi hermano, pero jodes de ser mi amigo, you dont want to kiss me?" I ranted to him.

"Not this shit again," He rolled his eyes, getting up but I pushed him back down so that I was the taller person here.

"yes, this shit again," I scolded him, he leaned back, resting his arms against the steps, almost enjoying my outburst.

"I said no to going back to Gardenfields because of a past relationship biting me in the ass, and now you-" I massaged my temples, feeling an incoming headache.

"I mean am I crazy? did I read the signs wrong?" He had a smirk, written on his lips.

"Why the fuck are you smirking," I ranted. He stood up, pulling me flush against him. Bending down, he crashed his lips on mine. The mixture of cigarette with spearmint caused my body to melt into his, as he held on to me, keeping me upright. As he pulled away, he brushed his thumb against my lips.

"you're not crazy," he breathed. I gasped, running to the bushes, puking the contents from my stomach.

#oscar diaz #on my block #netflix #spooky diaz

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cmykayleena · 5 years

Note

cf-sims is thinking about deleting her profiles because of you. How does that make you feel? What you and your clique did to her after you banned her unfairly from your server is absolutely terrible. What cause do you have to attack her so hard for? The ban wasn't enough for you? I've reported your twitter and tumblr, and I'm not going to stop until you realize how wrong you are and how much you hurt her. Fuck you!!!

This is getting quite ridiculous. First let me say that I have the right to ban anyone from my server as I see fit. Second I will say that I am a pretty fair person and only ban when I absolutely have to. THIRD - she wasn’t banned because we disagreed with her opinion; she was banned for bashing the server - which, might I add, is against the rules of the server. Let’s get deep into this, because I’m getting fucking sick of this shit and the hate messages I have received for my decision to ban her. (I apologize to everyone who follows me who doesn’t want to see drama on their dashboard. I’m not one for drama so it severely upsets me that I have to make this post. However, this will be the ONLY post I make on this subject.)

Read on if you want, and I ask anyone who does to make your own judgement on this, because I’m not here to sway anyone from one side to another but it’s clear that both sides of the story need to be brought to the surface.

Thursday afternoon is when CF-Sims was banned from S4MM. It started with a member asking for opinions on whether or not it was okay to share CC in a zip folder when uploading a sim for others to download. The consensus was no and afterwards CF added her opinion which was the opposite of the majority. Here are the screenshots:

So in the next screenshot CF derails the subject in what some believe to be an attempt to question my rules. They believe she was preparing to call me out for being a hypocrite when it comes to swearing. I swear on my Tumblr but I don’t allow excessive swearing in my server.

At this point I’m tired of the subject interrupting the main channel and people’s conversations so I shut it down (plus I’m at work during this time and can’t really pull myself away).

Some time passes and I’m shown a tweet that CF posted a few hours after I shut down the debate on creator TOUs vs EA’s TOUs on CC.

So, she calls me a hypocrite because I curse on my Tumblr all the time but don’t allow it in my server. But let me correct her perspective: I curse all the time on Tumblr (all the time outside of the computer) and don’t allow excessive cursing in my server. It’s a place for all ages, therefor cursing should be to a minimum if it’s used at all. So I banned her with this message:

Admittedly I let my frustration get the best of me, and so the ban reason resulted in me mimicking her post on Twitter. We’re all human, and none of us are perfect. After this I thought it would be done and over with, but my sassy ban caused her to go on a tirade of sorts. In the screenshot below you’ll see her next tweet and the responses from some of the mods.

So she gets a few more replies from some of my moderators telling her why she was truly banned and she proceeds with another tweet.

After a couple more responses she deletes her three tweets:

She continues on in her replies to her followers who commented on her tweets calling us rabid dogs, children, and hypocrites all while being a hypocrite herself. I’m being shown all these tweets at this point and just hoping it all blows over. Some people act out when they’re moderated, some don’t. It’s just what you have to expect when you run and/or moderate a Discord server, no matter the size.

I’m not Twitter savvy, so these next screenshots I share may be out of order, sorry for that. (I’m also not blacking out the names of other people - not to rope them in and get them involved - but because anyone can get on Twitter and see these replies. They’re all public.

Name calling and judgement I’m assuming is due to my ban message saying that other members are kind, respectful, and generally decent people. I mean, I’m not lying. 99% of the members in my server are great people! Of course there are going to be some bad eggs in the mix - it’s the internet, it’s inevitable. On to more screenshots.

Key points here: My mods are rabid dogs at this point. I apparently have a clique, and CF didn’t attack us for our views. Let’s pull up that original tweet.

And on we go.

In response to the reply at the top of the screenshot. Feel free to temporarily join my server and judge for yourself if it has a high school vibe. I basically have an open door policy. You don’t agree with something I do in my server, my mods, or how something is handled you can come to me and let me know and I will do everything I can to make sure we’re on equal ground. Now, in that last reply the controversial view is the thing she continues to ride out in this scenario. She thinks it’s fine to upload a zip file on all CC used on a sim or in a lot and share it while giving credit to the creator rather than just linking to all the CC. Kind of a shitty thing to do, but she’s got free speech and her actions and words speak for themselves.

She pretty much is petty at this point and going against the character I think SHE believes she has. At this point it’s pretty clear to me what her character is.

Yea.. she totally moved on. Here I am rolling my eyes very dramatically.

I don’t think I’ve ever given my true age - I’ve just said I’m an adult player. I’m 34, for the record. All my mods range from in their 20s to my age.

So she just goes on, responding to every person and repeating herself.

Are you looking at the timestamp of these tweets? Apparently she’s got plenty of time for this.

So Friday comes along and I decide to open Tumblr when I have some downtime at work.

At this point I’m getting pissed. Why? Because I let her have her little rant all over Twitter without getting involved. My moderators were amazing and stuck up for me without being asked - there really wasn’t a reason for me to get involved and continue this very petty and ridiculous drama. But here I am, with a hateful anon. So I turned off anon asks and deleted this one without replying.

So I take a look at CF’s Twitter and see this:

Now she’s truly spouting lies at this point because I literally told her that excessive cursing is not allowed while cursing isn’t prohibited. I mean, the proof is there in the screenshots! At this point she’s just… laying it on super thick and I’ve had it. I decide it’s time for me to get involved and set the record straight. If only it were that simple.

I don’t have many screenshots for this because I was focused on correcting her lies and even directly responding to people in her threads to make sure they see the truth and judge for themselves what’s right and what’s not. I retweet her deleted tweet first and respond with this. And from here I will leave you to do what the internet does best and dig as deep as you can and want to in these Twitter profiles.

Here’s mine, and here are my replies. A lot of my replies include screenshots of my rules to clarify the swearing and why she was banned without warning.Here are the replies to my ‘clique of rabid dogs’ that attacked her so aggressively before I finally started responding to her: 1, 2, 3, and 4.Here are CF-Sims’ replies.

Note that absolutely NONE of us harass her, none of us call her names, and none of us actually act like rabid dogs.Take this information and judge for yourself what you think is true and what’s not right. I’m not here to sway you one way or another, but to shed the PROPER light on the situation as a whole.

This is my only post about this. Any anon hate will be deleted, any hate from alternate Tumblrs will be deleted. Yes I’m serious about a lawyer because I don’t put up with lies and slander. And yea… sorry I have to clog up your feeds with this bullshit drama.

#cmykay #cmykayleena #cf-sims #Caoimhe Faerydae #stupid fucking drama #sorry to clog your feeds with drama

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the-one-blog-to-rule-them-all · 4 years

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Life in general update

My dads girlfriend broke up with him so he’s lonely and sad and has nobody now which sucks since it’s quarantine time and nobody can go comfort him and he can’t distract himself with company.

My sisters warehouse is shut down right now cause two people were hospitalized with whats most likely covid-19.

I haven’t seen Leif in essentially a month, which sucks really badly since when I last saw him was when I naively thought it was only gonna be two weeks.

Disney furloughed us all without pay starting April 18, so I have to apply for unemployment. Well I already applied for it, but I can’t finish my application because our Florida unemployment site isn’t working at all for the past month and people aren’t getting any money. Because republicans are demons and made this site unusable. Someone come defend Republicans right now on this post, I double dog dare you.

Because of being furloughed and the current job insecurity, me and Leif both agree that now isn’t the best time to move into an apartment together like was planned for June, so that means I’m literally gonna be going a couple more months without seeing my boyfriend who lives a mere 35 minutes away. I know it’s the smart thing to do, but I literally couldn’t hate the situation anymore than I do. Top that off with his first ever case of depression (I think) and it makes me feel even better now being able to be with him /s

I can’t sleep right now because my anxiety is acting up since I have to go get my Depo shot tomorrow, which honestly is a pointless shot to get since (in case you haven’t caught on) I don’t get to see my boyfriend for a long time. I guess it’s nice I still won’t get periods but at this point I don’t care. It’s not like I’m gonna bleed through my pants at work or anything. I just don’t want to get up and go in and talk to people and get the shot and all of that. I hate going out and I hate how my body gets all wound up every time I have to leave the house.

The cherry on top of all of this I guess is that my mom is genuinely crazy I think. Every other day she messages my sister and myself and tells us some certified bullshit that some Trump supporter on fucking Facebook told her, or that she read from a “trusted journalist” and that it’s all a political scheme against Trump his Holiness. I’m sincerely about to pop off on her and just spew forth all of the nastiest most vile shit I can think to say about that fucking orange demon.

Every day I wake up and it’s like a battle to just exist. It just sucks. I’m tired of laying in bed and tired of watching tv and movies and playing on the same three fucking apps on my phone. I just want to go back to work and have everything feel normal again. I miss going to STARBUCKS and justifying to everyone at work why I’m spending 4$ on a stupid drink. I miss getting food with Julie and talking about dumb work shit and how we’re so much better than the idiots who who despise. I miss physical activities (because I don’t go outside right now since the pollen is bad, and when I get the allergy stuffy nose and sore throat and can’t breathe then I get anxious that I caught IT) like just walking at work and having a schedule. I miss getting to cuddle my boyfriend once or twice a week. It sucks that in my adult life I finally found someone who makes me really happy and that I’m enamored with and dating, and now I can’t even see him anymore. I’m tired of worrying about all of my family members because it seems like everyone is in Indiana and things are going badly for everyone and I’m down here dealing with this mess on my own for once. I guess that’s what you choose when you move across the country.

I guess my rant is over. If that’s what you call a rant. Maybe I can sleep now.

#today in kristory

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findsomeoneelse · 5 years

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This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do.

And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores.

I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here).

That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.

I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think.

I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have.

My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don’t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

#personal rant #family drama #don't read if you dont want to #long post

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thattimdrakeguy · 6 years

Text

I’m gonna go on a bit of a midnight rant here, because I’m really tired and I’m having the inability to move on from my thoughts right now.

But man this fandom sometimes really bugs the hell out of me. I’m not a guy, who’s really out here getting involved in a lot of fandoms. This is honestly probably my first real one, and I didn’t really know what to expect.

I figured i’d be cool to be able to talk about stuff that I like with people that like the same stuff. Talk about what makes the characters so great and some cool comics and storylines and what not.

Like of course their’d be some idiots and people who just want to get into fights all the time like there is practically everywhere.

But man this fandom is disappointing. I haven’t read a whole bunch of comics when I first entered the fandom, as I honestly imagine most people in are like because who the hell is gonna spend money on comics all the damn time.

However the more I read the more I pretty much realized. No one has a damn clue what they’re talking about, besides some very very vague suggestions.

The fandom portrayals of the characters in this fandom aren’t parodies or fun exaggerations that we can all have fun with.

They’re practically OC’s with the actual characters name attached to them. Along with some superficial traits from the actual character that people have picked up on, either from the cartoon stuff, movies, or just from some random comic people have actually read, or ya know just the bare bones basic knowledge about the character.

and hell you don’t even get that with some of them. Like coffee boy Tim. Coffee THIS coffee THAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN TIM DOESN’T LIKE COFFEE OF COURSE HE DOES, IT’S ALL OVER THE FANDOM IT MUST BE TRUE!

They made Tim a total one note character, and it irks the hell out of me.

Like I’ve only ever seen Tim drink coffee once for sure, and now that’s his whole character to the fandom.

It seems to be impossible to talk about Tim now because the fandom has reduced him to almost one note to the point the more verbal members of the fandom have decided Tim was the irrelevant and boring one.

and as a Tim blog that is just annoying beyond belief to me, because I don’t really feel like I can talk about the characters in anyway I like because no one would even get what the hell I’m talking about, and that goes for the other members of the Batfamily too. Or just the concept in general.

Because somehow the fandom decided the Batfamily ... is like an actual family, as in they actually act like they’re a family that live and grew up together and yeah some super new stuff tries to show them like that, like Batburger and some other random stuff.

But that stuff only came along to pander to this fandom, and it come out of no where basically if you only read the comics, because they’ve never done that before, or have ever seemed that close besides some odd team ups. Ya know like a team, not so much a family.

and I’m not saying the whole family isn’t close at all ever in canon. Like Dick and Tim used to be very close. Cassandra and Barbara where close. Steph was close with both Cassandra and Tim. Dick and Damian.

But Jason literally came back from the dead with a vengeance trying to kill Tim (or ya know just hurt him like hell) and later on trying to ruin Dick’s reputation. And yeah, I can’t say that was totally in character from what we’ve seen of him in the 80s.

But just because it was OOC doesn’t mean you just ignore that.

and yeah we’re in a reboot now, but the reboot hardly tells us at all what happened and what hasn’t with Jason.

We start off with him and Tim being somewhat close ... for reasons never really specified in to much detail.

So we’re left to believe Jason did try to hurt Tim, but Tim forgave him.

Cool sounds like character progression. Oh wait what? They don’t really show too much progression they’re just suddenly bros now? Okay that’s a bit weird ...

and now Jason’s just all groovy with the rest of the Batfamily. He should hardly know them anymore since he hardly hangs out with him but yeah why not. He’s having a damn lunch with them and hangs out in the manor like family even though that doesn't make sense anymore.

Like stuff like that bugs me.

But what does the fandom say? Stuff like, LOOK AT THIS IT’S LIKE ONE OF MY FAN FICTIONS, or BUT IT’S SO CUTE AND FUNNY LOOK AT JASON AND DAMIAN AREN’T THEY JUST ADORABLE.

and yeah positivity is a good thing. But what I saw was unreal. I’m not saying the fandom needed some kind of riot to battle against some dreadful writing, but hardly anyone gave a shit that it was something that did not make sense, all because it was cute pretty much.

and that really irks me for some reason. Knocking off some kind of criticism because it’s “cute” I’m not saying it needs to be a large piece of negative-ness spouting from the fandom. But the idea that in the fandom primarily about these characters, no body seems to have cared that their character progression was past aside just to make it happen right away, so it can be cute faster.

No body seems to actually care about what the fandoms about, so long as it’s cute.

Like look at Damian. Multi-layered, intriguing backstories, a more unique way of doing things compared to others. He’s a very dark character with a conflict of trying to soften himself up for people. He’s practically a miniature adult.

What does the fandom do? SCREW THAT HE LOVES ANIMALS, HE’S 10 SO HE’S SMALL! LET’S MAKE A WHOLE THING ABOUT HOW HE’S SHORT!

and now Super Sons is pandering to them so I can hardly ever enjoy anything with Damian in it anymore. If I see another short joke about him I will just go into a pointless rage about it because there are FAR to many short jokes about him. When it’s only just now a thing he’s short besides the fact he’s young, and hell even then it’s mostly about how he’s young still besides Jon being taller. But yeah why not. Make that one of his few traits you care about, fandom.

and yeah some people do bring up the stuff that made Damian interesting to people to begin with, but it’s almost in passing so they can use that as an excuse to like the character, when really it’s just because the fandom makes him out to be cute and they like the way they make him out to be.

and I don’t even have anything against cute stuff. I like cute stuff, I’ve read Young Justice, I find it funny and cute, but I also think it just works well for the characters the way they did it, which is also why I like it.

If it was just “AWW LOOK AT THESE CUTE KIDS DOING CUTE KID STUFF, LESS IGNORE THE OBVIOUS PROBLEMS THAT SHOULD ARRIVE FROM THEM BEING TOGETHER, AND JUST GO STRAIGHT TO THE FLUFF” Then I’d probably hate it, cause i’d be some bad writing.

and again, I’m not against cute, I’m not against positivity.

but the main point I’ve been beating around the bush about is that this is a really pointless fandom. Not so much what it’s about, because it’s about something that’s been around almost a century at this point.

But because the fandom makes it pointless.

I came in it to talk about characters I was intrigued about and wanted to know more about. But the fandom isn’t interested in the actual characters. They’re interested in this false idea of what the characters are like because they don’t give a rats ass about the actual canon.

and that’s cool in small doses, because it is pretty fun every now and again, but man the MAJORITY of the fandom is more interested in stuff they just made up then the stuff it’s SUPPOSED to be about.

As someone that cares about the characters and is interested in their dilemmas it’s just been cut off for me.

Because it seems like DC is pandering to that part of the fandom more and more and I’m just left to be confused and annoyed.

Because I gave a shit, probably too much of a shit. But as someone who was that interested in the characters to make a blog about one, and has to constantly see the same ol’ shit every time I try to find a post to reblog for it, it’s just aggravating.

Like I don’t want to be that guy that says “I ACTUALLY READ THE COMICS SO I’M SMARTER THEN ALL OF YOU!”. But come on guys, can you act like you know what you’re talking about instead of making stuff up and gluing that to the pieces you do know?

I think i’d be cool to go on to tumblr every day and see people ACTUALLY talking about the characters and how they are, and having some nice peaceful conversations about the problems with their characterization when the writers make mistakes when they come up. Something actually interesting instead of more coffee memes or trying really hard to make your own head canon seem right.

Because I get so genuinely happy when I see a post that can talk about the characters in a way that seems like they actually read the same stuff I have. Or when someone makes a post about how characterization is off, and why they think so. Even if I don’t fully agree all the time I can enjoy it ... unless it’s just some idiot trying to really stretch their head canons into being right ... or some bad characterization they like that’s blatantly off the mark but they won’t admit.

Like I’ll admit I’m too salty about this for my own good, but I just really wish this fandom would be a bit more self-aware about what it does. Because this fandoms not even fun anymore.

#Batfam #Batfamily #Bat fam #Bat family #Negative #Rant #Tim Drake

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tepid-tea · 7 years

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Hello Drama; its been a while..

I don’t think I’ve posted personal drama in a while but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. Cause this didn’t just effect me but it has pretty much torn up my little group of friends which was not the intent.

Heres some background before we start…

Emerald City Comic Con for those who have followed my little slice of tumblr knows is a yearly nerd pilgrimage my friends and I do every year. We all arrange rides and drive down from Vancouver, BC to Seattle, WA for a 4-5 day where we eat, drink and buy way too much stuff at the convention. We’ve all gone pretty much as a group for the last… shit 4 or five years? Possibly more? Now last year I spent waaaay to much money as the Canadian Dollar was in the tank ( still is pretty much lol) and I went a little over board. Now Hotel prices have steadily been going up etc etc so even without the spending I was already over budget. Now early on this year I had decided that I wasn’t going to go to ECCC in 2018 due to how much hotel and such costs. The tickets themselves aren’t so bad but if you’re not a local in Seattle or don’t have a friends couch to sleep on we’re talking close to $1000 CAD for 4 nights in a hotel even with the Convention discount. That includes parking but still…. Yikes right? I went to Disneyland (flight & Hotel) for only like $30 more than that. That’ $1000 doesn’t even include my convention pass! So needless to say I wasn’t going since my family is planning on doing like a week plus in Disneyland next summer so that was what I was going to save up for instead. It bummed me out because ALL of my friends were going to this (except maybe one but we will get to that shortly) and it was my first time not going to be able to join them. But it was my decision and I was going to stick with it. Now fast forward too maybe a week or so ago right before the tickets went on sale everyone was excited and stuff and I was pretty much over it at this point when my friend who hadn’t planned on going either cause he kept saying how much it sucked, (we’ll call him R) texted me and asked if I wanted to just go for the Saturday. Now a part of me was unsure because we would have to get up at the crack ass of dawn to drive the 2 and a half hours to Seattle, find expensive Downtown parking and get our passes, walk around all day only to have to drive the 3 and a half ours back. Now my friend R doesn’t drive. Doesn’t know how; takes transit or bums rides from our friends who drive all the time. So I would have to do all of this driving. I’m unsure but he ramps it and says he’ll split gas and parking so without really thinking it through ( probably out of desperation of wanting to go even at a small scale) I agree. Everyone I tell that we’re going for just the day say I’m fucking looney cause I’m pretty much doing all the work here. It’s not like if I get tired I can trade off with someone to drive. 2 and a half hours isn’t really long but… I mean when you’re that tired it can feel like a super long time. Also I’d have to drive him home, which he lives like a half an hour the opposite direction of my house so that’s adding another hour onto my drive time. But I’m like cool sure. Then we never talk about it again. Until yesterday morning.

My friend K texts me and says she’s accidentally ordered 1 too many Vendor passes. She got her table this year in Artist alley and wanted to know if I could come with and help her and her boyfriend ( who happens to be my best friend) run her booth. Now I’ve helped run her booth for conventions off and on for the past couple years. At Local ones and for the three years at ECCC ( except 2017’s convention, she didn’t get chosen and thus didn’t come with us) so I’ve got experience in how she likes to run shit. At first I tell her no, I’m doing the one day thing and I can’t afford the hotel alone plus everything's probably all booked by now even if I could find someone. But then she says to ask our friend J as she and like 3 of our other friends are sharing a room ( Like every year) and could possible have space for me too?

She said to let her know by Friday so if I don’t go she can try and e-mail the convention ppl to try and get a refund ( tickets like $125 usd) because she can’t sell it like a normal ticket. So I go to work and not really think about it again till like later in the evening. I’m having dinner with C ( K’s bf and my best friend ANNND R’s best friend) and the ticket offer comes up during our conversation. He says to give our friend J a text about their hotel situation, prices and what not because if it’s cheap, why not? He knew I was pretty bummed about not going the full weekend and wasn’t too stoked about driving so much ( he wasn’t too happy about it on my behalf it seemed either. he’s an overprotective puppy). So I ask J and their 5th person they were going to have in their room bailed and they had space. I’d get a blow up mattress and it would be $150 USD for 3 nights for my half of the hotel ( roughly as taxes/hotel parking etc). So thats $275.00 USD AND they offered to drive me there and back, provide the air mattress etc. I tell C and its like how can you say no to that? He says do it. Now first thing I worry is how R is going to take it. He gets upset easy and yeah I’m being kind of a dick on bailing on him. The Con is in 4 months as in that time we could figure out a way for him to either get there without me driving him or help him sell the tickets. However even without committing to it 100% at the time I feel bad, I hate bailing on people like that.

So this morning I send this huge text to R explaining the situation and apologise for the whole thing but offer to help him work out how to either sell them or figure a way there and back. R loses his absolute shit, says I’m the worst friend ever. Says this is the worst possible thing I could ever do to him and this is basically ending our friendship. I then ask him how could something like this be a friendship ender ( I’ve forgiven him him for FAR worse offences on shit he’s pulled on me but THAT'S a whole other traumatizing thing that we don’t talk about anymore because it almost gives me a panic attack thinking of it) then offer again to help make other arrangements for him to either come along or sell the tickets. He then accuses me of going behind his back and plotting with our other friends to screw him over ( not true like wtf?) then proceeds to block my phone number and blocks me on all social media before we can work anything out. ( there are 6 texts in total, two from me and the rest are him freaking at me) In the end he ends up blocking 5 different friends of ours ( though he’s re-added K I later find out) and proceeds to shit talk me on FB where I can’t see and blocks anyone who tries to stick up for me ( Thus the 4 friends still blocked). I mean I understand he’s upset but we are in our mid 30’s for fuck sakes! We’re fucking adults! Why can’t we have a fucking adult conversation and work something out? I admit it was shitty to bail on him however I offered to help him find another solution to get there, to help sell them both and even offer to just straight pay for my half to compensate. However none of these offers were taken because he didn’t get his own way and would rather flip his shit.

Needless to say my whole day was fucked. I felt horrible but the more nasty shit he posted on FB that I got told about and shit he’s been pulling on everyone else, I started to feel less bad for the whole thing. There was no grand plot to screw him over; I simply took advantage of an opportunity only for it to fuck everything up. I tried to keep it just between the two of us to keep damage to a minimum cause we share best friends and it's not fair to drag C into the middle of this or any of our other friends for that matter but he insisted on it. So about an hour after I started this text rant K texted and asked if she could call me; which of course I say yes. After an hour and a half talk I go over my side on what's happened and what we can do to fix it and keep C out of it. K and I both love C ( in very different ways mind you LOL) and her and I are going to do our hardest to keep him out of it. Her and I have both agreed not to talk about the situation in front of him and try to keep the others from doing so as well ( god knows what R has sent him). C doesn’t take conflict really well (Neither does myself and K to be honest but C more so) and I told K I really don’t want C to be dragged into it….

Like fuck I didn’t want anyone to get dragged into it but R is a drama queen and I’m the villain.

SO YA! Fuck my life!

Anyone want to go see the New Star Wars Movie with me? Cause R is selling off my first showing ticket for that. Anyone want to see a movie with a shitty villainous person?

#personal #shitty day rant #I've had a headache all day and jsut generally hate myself

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not-so-secret-nerd · 7 years

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Had a Holtzmann headcanon last night and decided to write it out into a ficlet.

The Class 2 had been bagged and tagged, the clients notified, and payments exchanged via the Square Abby always carried on her person, so then why was it when Holtzmann looked back at the girl practically cowering behind her mother she didn’t feel like this job was done? Worse still, Holtz could feel they weren’t finished, but there was no scientific backing for a feeling. Not like this, anyway. Their instruments wouldn’t pick this up. The haunting was too subtle. Too crafty. Too much in the form of a preteen staring at the four of them with a plea in her eyes only two of the ‘busters recognized.

Erin looked over at Holtzmann. The engineer could see the unspoken question in her eyes. With a nod, Holtz confirmed they were, in fact, not going to be done with this family for a while. Pity crossed Erin’s face, making her lips squish together in a hard line. She knew what this was like. She’d lived it for a year as a child a few years younger than the girl before them.

“I should talk to her,” Erin said quietly in Holtzmann’s direction but was surprised when the blonde shook her head.

“Love you, Er, but kids don’t think like rational adults, and you’re one of them.” Holtzmann hated seeing the pang her words caused, but they both know it was true. Erin was better talking to people well above the age of thirteen. When kids were involved…

“Let me handle this one. I’ve got an idea.” Holtz tapped the side of her head and smiled before peeling away from the group and approaching the relieved-looking father.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to do one more quick sweep of the second floor just to be sure.”

“Of course,” he nodded almost immediately. Clearly, he was rattled. Most people where when coming face to face with the paranormal for the first time. Tended to shake a person to their foundational core. “Anything you need. We’re so thankful you ladies showed up when you did.”

“Always got your back,” Holtz grinned and saluted before sauntering in the direction the girl had darted off to after being dismissed by her parents. Just to make this look official, Holtzmann unholstered her PKE meter and began to “sweep” the staircase. Behind her, Abby noticed and was about to call out was silenced by a hand on her shoulder from Erin and a shake of her head. Understanding dawned. Abby fell back into conversation with her clients.

As expected, the meter didn’t pick up a damn thing. Not a one. Baseline reading and all that jazz. It made Holtz a little angry because she knew like the girl did there was more here. Sure enough, the engineer found the preteen sitting on the end of her bed in her presumably “ghost-free” room. Her head snapped up when she heard the floorboards creak, brown eyes wide and glassy.

“Hey, squirt,” Holtz softly grinned, leaning her shoulder against the door and holstering her meter.

“I’m twelve,” the girl huffed, clearly not liking the nickname.

“To me, everyone is squirt, but I could call you by your name if you’d like.”

“Becka,” she replied after a brief pause, looking down at her feet and the floor under them.

“Becka,” Holtz repeated with a nod that drew the girls attention back onto her. “Mind if I come in?”

“Why?” Becka frowned, clearly leery.

“I wanted to talk to you about what happened tonight.”

Becka’s dementor shifted from wary to prickly. “Don’t see why. You got the ghost. You’ll leave now and never come back, but they—“ she stopped herself before the words could come out, biting into her cheek.

“They don’t leave you in peace, do they?” Holtzmann’s stare was pointed and it made Becka squirm. Seldom did she ever become truly serious. This was one of those moments, and the world seemed to holds its breath. “They’re always there, aren’t they?”

“You…can come in,” Becka relented, dropping her gaze and fiddling with her thumb cuticle. It wasn’t a confirmation but it definitely cemented some of the blonde’s suspicions.

Holtz made an effort to slowly walk to the side of Becka’s bed and ease herself into a small chair next to it. The girl shifted around so she was facing the buster, still looking wary but also tired. So unbelievably tired.

“I’m going to take a stab in the dark here and say that you’ve seen them all your life.”

Becka’s brown eyes began to mist over and something in Holtz’s chest clenched. “Every day,” she eked out.

“Sometimes, they just pass through, but sometimes they get attached and…want more.”

A shaky nod.

“Sometimes, they talk to you and ask for help, but sometimes the just want someone to listen to them rage and that rage turns into bad things.”

Becka was shaking so badly she had to clasp her hands together, knuckles turning white. “Sometimes they touch. Sometimes they scream. Sometimes…s-sometimes they hurt me.” When she looked up at Holtzmann the plea in her eyes almost pushed the woman out of her chair. “How do you know all this? How do I make it stop?”

“You don’t,” Holtz answered sadly, leaning forward so her elbows were resting on her knees. Her heart snapped in two when a sob worked out of the girl, shaking hands covering her face until she could compose herself.

“I don’t want this!”

“I know you don’t, and I know this is going to sound like the stupidest shit ever, but this isn’t the end. Of you, I mean. You can still be normal. You can still have a normal life with friends and a school and maybe someone special someday. This is just a part of who you are. It’s like a muscle. The more you exercise it the stronger you will become blocking them out.”

“How can you say that?” Becka hissed, wrapping her arms around her torso and almost bending in half. “I just want to be normal! Like my parents! Like my neighbors! Like you! How can you say I can have a normal life when all I see is them?!”

She didn’t want to do this, but she did it anyway. Reaching out, Holtz groped under the hood of the lamp next to her until her fingers found the switch. With a single muscle twitch, the room was plunged into blue-black darkness, illuminated solely by the windows and the light pollution of New York. And in the darkness, in the velvety blue, stood the shapes of at least a dozen bodies. Bodies that only showed themselves in the absence of light. Bodies close to the barrier between worlds. Bodies that would manifest slowly through whispers and screams until they could take corporeal form and touch.

Bodies Holtz saw on a daily basis.

Becka whipped around, hands turning into fists around her bedspread as her breath caught in her chest, but Holtz banished the forms with the light, returning the room to dual occupancy once again.

“I’ve lived my entire life being able to see them, too. It was hard learning how to tune them out, but I learned. Sometimes I’ll go weeks or months without seeing one in my room, but with my job,” Holtz shrugged, a small smile returning to her face, “they’re always there, but by that point, the soul has manifested into a Class haunting, and I can do something about it. Other times, I just need to tell them to knock it off and crossover already. Not all spirits become malevolent ghosts. Sometimes, they just need a push in the right direction for crossing over, and unfortunately, little lady, you and I seem to have that ability.”

Becka’s turn back in Holtzmann’s direction was slow. She was thinking, Holtz could tell, the wheels in her brain spinning at full speed. “You’re…like me.”

“Affirmative,” the engineer nodded.

“And you learned…how to be normal?”

“Well,” Holtz winced, leaning back, goofy demeanor returning like a glove slipping back into place. “I wouldn’t say normal. I mean, I’m a freaking Ghostbuster. That’s kind of out of the normal spectrum, don’t you think?”

Becka smiled for the first time that night. It was small and still weak but definitely a smile.

“Listen,” Holtz leaned forward again, fishing a card out of her jumpsuit pocket and handing it over. “If you ever need to talk or rant or need me to come back and do a sweep, I’m available twenty-four-seven, three-sixty-five. Me and the girls all are. We’ve all had our fair share of hauntings and nasty shit happen to us, so we all understand. If you ever need us for anything, you know who to call.”

“The Ghostbusters,” Becka nodded, clutching the card to her chest like it was a lifeline.

“Damn straight. Now, I’m gonna roll on out of here,” Holtz said, standing and striding to the door, but paused before leaving and looked back. “But if you need us, we’re only a call away. Once they’ve managed to touch you, they’re strong enough to be picked up with our sensors and trapped. You feel a touch, you call me and I’ll boot the green-nasty out of your house.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime. Be brave, little ‘buster. You’ll get the hang of it.”

#Ghostbusters #Jillian Holtzmann #personal headcanon #that turned into a fic

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maude-lebowski · 7 years

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There are so, So, SO many things that both of my parents do that range from mildly irritating to super fucked up to borderline/straight up abusive that I've now realized are a thing & a not at all normal thing now that I'm older looking back, have both of them (in a very weird, 100% NOT romantic literally at ALL) together under one roof w/ me again (on & off, but always nearby), & through my hardcore therapy work. & anyway one of the biggest things of all is their obsession w/ blame - there's always someone else to blame, even if there's no actual problem. & naturally, more often than not in this blame, even when it's literally entirely illogical in every way. & even tho they pretty much hate each other, they'll back each other up to vilify me. & one of the smaller but still EXTREMELY fucking irritating things w/ this is how when one of them WANTS to do something, but is afraid of daring to want something (b/c wants & needs are not allowed to be articulated in our house, they have to be manipulated- I grew up w/ this ingrained as a norm to where it took literally like 24 years before I even realized I did it & manipulated the absolute fuck outta everyone around me), they immediately put the blame for their want on me. Example: Dad really wants to take a walk. But Dad can't admit he just wants to take a walk for the sake of it, b/c it'd be admitting a want, & b/c he knows long walks are bad for his current health & he has to keep them short, but he WANTS a long walk. So instead of just doing it, he asks me if I want a milkshake from the place down the way. I say no thank you, b/c I know he's not supposed to walk that far & also I'm just literally not in the mood for a milkshake. Dad says he doesn't believe me, that HE *KNOWS* deep dish I want that milkshake & being the GREAT father he is, he will get it for me. I beg him not to, ends w/ him leaving anyway yelling "YOU'RE WELCOME!!" Dad comes back over an hour later extremely sick b/c the walk was too long, gives me the milkshake, & rants about "what fathers will do for daughters", etc etc etc, & sickly forces me to say thank you to him for days for a milkshake I didn't want so he could take a walk he wanted & knew he would get sick doing & putting all guilt as blame for it on me, even telling everyone he can, making me look absolutely horrible. More recent example, literally just happened: I share a bed w/ my mom atm b/c we have only a 2 bedroom house & Dad is living here. I was in extreme pain tonight b/c of a lot of reasons as knew I'd be coming to bed very late as a result, told my mom this, she was cool we it. She says she wishes she could sleep in tomorrow just an hour or 2 'cause she's been so tired lately. I tell her too, b/c there's literally no reason she can't. Age insists on no. I come to bed a bit after 6am (when my pain was finally down enough), & am as quiet as humanely possible just slipping into bed & pulling out my phone. Mom slightly wakes up, rolls back over to go back to sleep until she realizes I'm there, then freaks out about how I've literally ruined her whole night (she's getting up in just over 30 min at this point & it's the only point in 10 hours she's woken up). She then changes her alarm to sleep in an extra hour of 2, & proceeds to yell at me about "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO!!" when this is what she'd wanted to do the entire time & there was nothing stopping her, she just needed an excuse as that important blame. I have to apologize to her to get her to lay back down, & I know I'll be apologizing for god knows how long after this, could be weeks that she still brings it up. I just find it so fucking insane & unhealthy & tbh straight up emotionally abuse do how we're not allowed wants & needs in this house w/ normal communication & without excuses, blame, guilt, as manipulation. & it makes me feel even sicker knowing that it was so normalized that I unknowingly participated in it for almost my entire life until just these past almost coupla years or so. I'm so disgusted we myself, b/c it's so disgusting to watch grown adults behave this way. Oh yeah also PS, it yep, it def still makes me feel like total & complete shit each & every time. Yep. Somehow still not & work rob never be truly used to a over it, but I guess st least I can recognize it now.

#rant #mental health shit #dadventures #mama mandy #tw abuse #cw abuse #emotional abuse #manipulation

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resmarted · 7 years

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we are eight years old when we have our first lovers’ quarrel. for being second graders, we are very darla and alfalfa, sitting together in the sandbox during our recess period because it is considered something for little kids and we are supposed to be too old for it now. we aren’t. it’s the only place we can seem to be alone, and that’s where all the trouble starts. my friends are sick of me trading them out for a girl, and i’m never sure if their jealousy is over you or me, mainly because we are all nerds and it’s weird if anyone even talks to us let alone a girl. we talk about all kinds of stuff though. you tell me what you dreamt of the night before and i dig piles of sand for you to sculpt things out of, and then we discuss what we had for lunch earlier. we don’t eat lunch together, that’s just too much. i sit with my friends and you with yours and we both hang out by the monkey bars with all our other friends at first, but slowly migrate to the sandbox and that’s when the ooh’s and ahh’s and kissy noises start. we think nothing of it at first, but the tension builds over time. one day i can be heard from across the blacktop screaming, no you’re mean! i slam a rock down when i say it in a frustrated angst and sand blows up into your eyes. you start to cry but i drop to my knees like no no, i’m so sorry, stop. i didn’t mean to, i’m so sorry! hold still and look at me and try not to blink. you do begrudgingly and suddenly i am blowing softly into them and asking if it’s helping. it’s too late though and the teacher on yard duty has been alerted, and before we know it both of our parents have been called in and i’m being suspended and have to see a therapist about my anger issues. i keep saying i didn’t hit her, it wasn’t even on purpose, but it doesn’t matter because it was an act of aggression and now i’m a problem child. you’re too scared to say anything because your parents are there and we are all in the principal’s office and the room is swelling up with pressure, everyone’s eyes are on you. i can’t even remember what we fought about, but i think it had to do with how my friends wanted to hang out that day and i figured just this once i could throw them a bone. i’ve barely seen them since our love blossomed from being randomly paired as fingerpainting buddies. ever since we’ve been inseparable and i was just trying to be fair, you know? my parents tell me to leave you alone and yours forbid you to talk to me. the teachers all know now to keep an eye on us and everyone’s watching us now, for real. we stop talking or acknowledging each other, but we deal with it in fucked up ways, like when your friends convinced you act like you were grossed out by me or when mine would suggest i still wasn’t over you and i would respond by acting like you were just another science experiment. we both bottle our feelings up until seventh grade when we are caught holding hands and kissing at a birthday party, which causes a whole new ruckus when you’ve barely recovered from the first one years earlier. by high school you have become a really surly goth girl, nothing like you were with the abercrombie crowd you were once so loyal to. in all the unlikely scenarios to happen, i became somewhat of a jock once i learned to take my aggression out with a baseball bat and eventually football. one day during junior year i get into a fight with my cheerleader girlfriend, someone whose name you once wrote next to friends 4eva on your trapperkeeper in white-out, was supposed to be my ride that day. i hadn’t taken the school bus in years and almost decided to just walk home, but then i saw you get on. something came over me and i jumped in as soon as they were about to shut the doors. you were looking out your window in a daze, music blasting into your ears, and i walk directly to the back to slide in beside you. you don’t even notice me until the bus starts moving and the first thing you do is shoot me a very angry browed stare. i start to say something but you pull your earphones off and just go, what? i try to say how’s it going and you say no i mean what are you doing here? i say there were no other seats, but there are plenty of seats. this bus doesn’t even go anywhere near my house and we both know it. you say something really vicious like the angry little chihuahua you’ve become, something like, i didn’t know your nose could detach this far from kelly’s asshole, and i can only laugh and say that’s a good one. i’m not as smart or as witty as you, i’m actually terrified of you on most days. i ask if your parents still hate me and you scoff like, why do you even care? i care. i have always cared. i’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you as far as they’re concerned, and you laugh like yeah that makes three of us. i follow you out to your stop and you look at me like i’m a crazy person before calmly walking ahead. and maybe i am a crazy person, this is a crazy person thing to do, i live nowhere near you and was banned from your life years ago. but here i am chasing after you like it’s another game of tag, except i’m following you home, uninvited and unperplexed. i just want to know why you hate me, or that’s what i say anyway. i want to know everything about you and to find a sandbox for us to dig in together and just erase all the bad parts of our impalpable history. i want to see what’s under your black nylons and what your tiny hand with the chipped black nails would look like in my beast paw. you turn around and say that you don’t hate me, in this way like i’m supposed to know. you grasp at your forehead in this frustrated way like you’re trying to explain where babies come from to a child, and these little wisps of bangs fly out from under a black beanie in the process. look i know your dad doesn’t like me and i’m not the wholesome image of the strapping young man that he expects to be in your life but, and you stop me. what? since when do you want to be in my life? ever since you let kelly give you a blowie at the spring formal you two have been inseparable. i look at you like i’m surprised you even know anything about me, and i am. look, i know kelly was your friend, and you let out a loud scream-grunt into the air. the fucked up part is that i only started talking to kelly in hopes it would get me closer to you, that maybe she would bring you up in conversation and give me hints about your life and who you are. all she did was complain and soon the friendship crumbled and after losing all hope i settled for a vapid drama queen that was just someone to kill time with. i can see your black lace bra through your white blouse, and you’ve got this black sweater and these black boots and i want to know why you’ve drained yourself of color but can’t stop staring at the way your mouth moves and how hard your stare is when you rant at me. i don’t even know what you’re saying anymore and the whole world stops when i lean in to kiss you and you grab onto my face, clawing like the little black cat that you are, and kissing me back with a force i have never felt before. you pull back and smack the shit out of me, my face beating red when you go there, is that what you wanted? we’re in a quiet suburb and everyone is inside watch tv when i drop to my knees in the middle of the street and say yes, and a million more, it’s worth every slap to me. you sneak me into your backyard and the garden your mother grew protects us from being seen when i taste you until midnight and your fingernails clench into the soil. you wear your same goth clothes the next day to school but with my letterman jacket and everyone oohs and ahhs. someone makes a shitty comment about how i’m trading a barbie like kelly for dracula’s daughter and i nearly go postal, grabbing him by the collar and slamming him against the nearest locker. i ask him to repeat what he said and he gives me that shit eating grin that i hate so i grab him by the throat. it isn’t until i hear your little voice speak up beside me like, please don’t. and so i don’t. i let him go and walk away, grabbing your hand with proudest posture. we eat lunch together alone and everyone around us gossips about it the same way they’ve done time and time again. i don’t give any fucks. you give a few fucks, but your shyness is slowly replaced with a flirtatious kind of vibrancy. we make out on the steps outside the library, my grabby hands and your thighs, god those thighs. you have been my forbidden lover since the beginning of time now and all i want to do is to feel and squeeze and touch and grab and god don’t go yet, i haven’t even felt up your boobs, your blouse still has all the buttons done. you start going to my games and i go to concerts with you for bands with names like fragile monsters and fully loaded impostors, and we manage to keep it from your parents for an entire year. when they find out, they’re too tired to even be mad about it at this point. in a surprising twist they see you as someone who is adult enough to make her own decisions and there must be something drawing us back together again and again like this. i actually end up becoming friends with your dad, the most sensational part of all. he’s glad that i got you to open up more to color again and i don’t tell him that i actually love when you dress like the craft and that is basically a form of lingerie at this point, because i don’t want to give the guy a heart attack. same goes for when he asks about the scratch mark on my face, i play it off as something that happened at practice but really i just don’t want to be like actually i was eating your daughter’s pussy so good that in a euphoric spasm it made her involuntarily claw half my face off and i fucking loved it. i fucking love you.

#long reads

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izzy-b-hands · 7 years

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On mobile so I can't put a read more, but I'm going to try and tag well--I need to vent. ----------- So today has been the worst day dealing with my mom in awhile. Like we've been in an okay patch where she hasn't been giving so many mixed messages and orders, but that came roaring back today for some reason. It starts out crappy because we head to my tattoo appointment, but my artist was sick and had to reschedule (though please note I'm not mad at him in any way, I'm glad he was going home rather than suffering sick thru work, because I know how much that sucks no matter what your job is. It just made me sad that I wasn't getting tattooed today and those appointments are like spa days for me.) Before we left for the shop though, she was super pissy and generally making me not want her there at the appointment because I didn't want her bugging my artist or being fussy at having to wait for my appointment to be over (which she's done at past tattoo appointments that I did offer to go to alone by getting a cab or taking the bus.) Anyway, after the tattoo shop we decide to go run a quick shopping trip, and our interactions go down hill. We're both struggling financially right now, but I've been buying a lot for the both of us the past week. But she asks me to get this trip, so I say yes because it won't do any good to say no. Then we get there and she's grabbing extra stuff not on our list, half assedly asking if it's okay even when the thing is in the cart and we're eight aisles away already--like, I'm not gonna argue and say no at that point, cause she'd just get pissy. The store was busy too, so we were both starting to get upset in general. Now, I will note that my fragile emotional state today wasn't all due to her. The whole 'you're still stuck at a shitty job in ND and haven't totally gotten your writing off the ground' thing has been hitting hard for a couple weeks, but especially today. But I wasn't complaining or bugging her with it, I was just trying to ignore those feelings. At the end of it she's rude to the teen cashier, (she knows that behavior is something I don't tolerate), but we get to the car. I offer to buy lunch out from a place we both like because at that point I was more treating myself than her. Like, I'm on the verge of emotionally overwhelmed tears in the car from the day and stuff building up for weeks and she's just hopping cause she gets her fav food. I was literally crying (quietly though) as we left the parking lot and she keeps going on about what sandwich she's getting. At first I thought she didn't notice, but then she looks over and goes "Oh," and that's it. So she noticed, and normally would at least be like, "hey, you're crying, is everything okay?" Not at that moment. In the drive through I started crying more, because I honestly couldn't help it (that hasn't stopped either, I'm on like my tenth cry of the day right now) and then she finally showed concern. I couldn't tell her anything she had done to cause it (in the past that's earned me shouting and 'ungrateful brat' kind of comments that she swears later she didn't mean) but I did explain the wanting to move and earn my primary income from my art frustrations though, and she surprised me by being kind and supportive. I thought we were okay then and the day would be okay. Wrong. We eat, she decides to nap cause she was getting a headache, I decide to play GTA V for an hour or two. The cat wakes her up in about that time (I tried to get Nish to let my mom sleep, but she wanted both her humans awake and wouldn't take any food or toys I offered.) Mom's mood is wildly different then. She's angry. She complains about clothes being ready to hang in the washer (I didn't see or hear her put them in, or I would have taken care of them) and goes to do that. I follow, and try to fix things by taking the basket and offering to help. As soon as we get in to the room we hang the clothes in to dry, she's even angrier. First I'm taking the dry clothes down too slowly, then too quickly when I hang up wet ones in their place. Then I'm hanging the clothes wrong on the hanger. I tried for a bit to make it work, but she was ripping clothes out of my hand, tossing the laundry basket around, and pushing empty hangers to the floor in the same way an angry toddler would. So I get her the extra hangers from my room, hang up my dry clothes in my closet, and go back to my laptop in the living room, and turn it all off. That was the breaking point for me--I knew she'd be pissed at me next for playing a game (that's the usual cycle of these situations no matter what I'm doing--if I'm just sitting there doing nothing then I'm still doing something wrong) so I closed it down. Here comes the mixed messages. She asks when she goes back to the couch, suddenly really quietly, why I'm packing my stuff up. I tell her I have a headache and want to be in my room (partially true, though it isn't a bad enough headache that I'd go lie down) she acts sad, but let's me go and I leave trying to figure out her 360 emotional spin. Fast forward a few hours of me crying quietly in my room, panicking over how she might act for dinner and how even though my psychologist said to stand up for myself and call out her behavior and how she'd be totally pissed at me if I'd acted like she had all day I still can't bring myself to say anything because I'm afraid of my mom yelling when I do that. There's a quick, tense discussion on what to do for dinner a bit later, and dinner itself wasn't awful, just uncomfortable (in part because we had pizza and I had to eat all the pieces left, or she'd do her usual spiel about how I don't eat left overs fast enough so I shouldn't leave them, yet she can leave them because she's formally dieting and I'm not.) I try to go back to my room and she stops me. "Bye," she says in a voice equal parts sad and offended. Now, no matter what I'd done here would have been a problem. In past moments like this, there have been some where she guilted me to staying in the living room (but then acted nasty towards me if I fell asleep and didn't wake her up to help remind her to take out her contacts or get her to bed at a decent hour) and some where I've gone back to my room (and she'd pop in every couple of hours to ask if I still wasn't coming back out, glare at anything I might have on the floor, and sigh even when my room is clean--the issue I've found there is that it isn't clean in the way she'd clean it, so it pisses her off, no matter how much I try and clean 'her way' even when executive dysfunction makes it hard.) Tonight, I chose my room, which brings us to now. She already popped in once, as I was typing so I had to hide my iPad so she wouldn't see this post. I already know she'll have fallen asleep in the living room, so I can't fall asleep yet in case she doesn't wake up by ten or elevenish on her own to go into her bedroom. And I get her headache might be making her feel like shit, but here's the rub-- We've been having these moments and situations since I was four. I know everyone has days where they act shitty cause they don't feel well, but why does she expect me to just ignore her on those days when she never lets me have a day like that. If I acted how she did today, she'd have yelled and been angry with me (even tho she stresses now how we're just as much roommates as mom and kid since I'm an adult, so we should treat each other more like roommates.) I was the one who was gracious and asked my artist if he was okay to check out my healing before he left (which he happily did, and he said he was glad I let him check because it showed responsibility as a tattoo owner that he doesn't always see) while she whined that we shouldn't have to pay for the visit and embarrassed the hell out of me (they didn't charge because we didn't tattoo today, and none of the artists at the shop have ever said they'd charge for a literal 'roll up your sleeve for two minutes and let me look' thing, tho I think they probably could and should--I'm willing to hand over my money to people who care about me and the art on my body.) I was the one who kept us on track during shopping and got us home at a decent time, with lunch, even tho my anxiety was at an all time high and I was already an over emotional mess. And I was the one trying to find a way to make her happy, even after she'd made me cry a few times over. I just wonder how long I'm going to go thru this with her. My five year plan now is to save up to move to California, but it's killing me I can't go now. To be closer to other artists and collab and share my art with them (one book in the series I'm writing is nearly done with my editing, the second books first draft is written, and I started writing the third books first draft this week, and I didn't even plan on it becoming a series); to be away from my mom and my family's bullshit; to be in a state that will protect my orientation and gender identity (they can still fire u for that first one in ND)--it all feels so close yet so far away and days like today I just feel so tired of living the way I am, yet I don't have the money or options to change anything yet. This got way too long--if u read it all, thank u but also I'm sorry. U can tell it got too long cause I've given up typing as formally as I usually do. Anyway, I should take this moment to thank u all for still following me and reading my blog--writing and rants alike. It's a small comfort, but it makes me feel less alone. And on days like today, that's one of the few things I have. Here's to hoping for easier days with family, for me and any of u guys that might be struggling with similar issues right now. If any of u ever need to vent, my ear is ready to listen (and comfort if u want.)

#text post #stupid family bullshit #if u guys need me to add other tags just let me know #out of it mentally and not sure off the top of my head what else to tag #sorry again for being on mobile and without a cut :(

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babaleshy · 5 years

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I know I haven’t touched this thing for a while but whatever. I’m gonna rant. Yes, it’s about my folks. Yes, they are Trump supporters. No, I still can’t move out because my husband and I cannot afford it nor is there any jobs in the area that pay enough for us to move out.

On with the rant (plus, like, a mental health update which I will do first).

Going to get re-evaluated for ADHD because as much as I loved seeing Mark for counseling, he wanted to simply focus on my struggles, hence why I was diagnosed with EFD. He was great, helpful, all that. Just... There’s other stuff going on with all of these signs pointing to ADHD, and I actually forget that sometimes symptoms outside of executive functioning issues can get in the way because my depression makes me forget shit.

On top of this, Paulnetta (my new counselor) has referred me to a couple of places to go and get tested for dyslexia and other learning disabilities. What has kept me from getting tested the past couple of months is that my ID expired back in April and I fucking forgot about it. I’m going to the DMV tomorrow to get my ID renewed but will have to wait for it to appear in the mail, now, because of bureaucratic bullshit. Once I get my ID, I can finally get tested for a learning disability and FINALLY apply for goddamn Medicaid.

I’m getting mighty sick of what my parents are pulling. I’ll start with my mom since there’s not TOO much bullshit to bitch about with her like there is with my dad.

My mom still won’t engage much with me in conversation about anything I want to talk about. But the moment she decides to talk, she immediately changes the topic to her favorite country singer or something about horses. I don’t hate horses as in the animal, but looking at anything involving horses has me feeling rage because of her. She keeps getting old horses (never surpassing 3 horses) that aren’t really able to be ridden, wanting a few for companionship so no one feels alone when my mom rides the only one that is capable of being ridden. Horses are social animals. I get this. All fine and well. But my mother does the ABSOLUTE FUCKING BARE MINIMUM care for these animals. They’re healthy and doing okay mentally, but she has yet to ride since I moved back that I can remember. SHE SPENT WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH MONEY ON A ROUND PEN AND SHE STILL HASN’T RIDDEN THE HORSE SHE WANTS TO RIDE. She just sits on the couch on her phone AND tablet watching livestreams of her favorite country singer who has developed this cult surrounding the pledge of allegiance while being on FB interacting with other horse owners. My mom seems to like the aesthetic of the western/country/farm lifestyle without actually LIVING it, and I’m betting it’s because she’s too old and tired from working 6 days a week at a minimum wage job she’s been at since the mid 90s and refused to consider looking for another because she knows people who work there and shop there (small business hardware store). On top of all of this, she refuses to listen to any other radio station unless it’s country, so that plays on constant in the living room for the dog when my parents aren’t home, or she has it on in the truck and wonders why I have my earbuds in. She BLASTS anything she and my dad watch, which includes but is not limited to things like Last Man Standing, NCIS, faux news, and pseudo-hillbilly shit shows from the 60s and 70s on YouTube.

This woman did not interact with me on my terms in the past unless it was something she was interested in. If I distracted her from her soap operas or baseball/football games, she got pissed. As an adult? If she does interact with me, it’s because it involves the topic of money. My mom IMMEDIATELY gets pissed at me when I inquire about our financial situation. I don’t complain, I’m not nosy as fuck, I just wanna know “hey, can I get some help getting thirty-something bucks worth of lumber so I can build shelves for my room since I have no income?” Nope, the topic bothers my mom too much. I don’t even think she listens to me talk to her when she doesn’t participate in conversation because she is just... ADDICTED to FB. Like, hopelessly fucking addicted. And she used to get on my ass about being on MY computer too much in high school! (circa 2005-2007)

And now, onto the dumpster fire that is my father.

The bastard is having us live in a meatlocker. The air is so cold and so dry here that my skin is very dry, my nose is CONSTANTLY running and bleeding, and I’m too cold to do ANYTHING most of the time, including sitting at my desk to do anything from art to surfing the web! He uses his breathing issues as an excuse, but it was never this cold in the summer last year or any years prior. He says it’s to keep the humidity down. By the same damn excuse, because we do NOT have a working ventilation fan, and opening the bathroom window (which faces the street) would expose us and give us no privacy, my dad HAS THE HAIR DRYER RUNNING BY THE BATHROOM SINK WHILE HE SHOWERS. His logic? “The heat will cause the moisture to evaporate!” Not kidding. But he’s huffing and wheezing by the time he’s done in the bathroom. And he won’t listen to me when I tell him just how wrong he is.

The bitter old bastard has whatever they’re watching on blast in the living room. He re-clutters whatever I de-clutter. He tries picking fights with my husband by purposefully trying to engage him in topics my husband doesn’t want to talk about to get my husband to react a certain way (never works because my husband caught on real fast). This is all my dad trying to “establish dominance” or some bullshit like that. He’s flaunting the fact that he can be a piece of shit all he wants to us, and if we put up enough of a fight, he can kick us out. He’s also hoping (and he’s used a similar logic on other shit before in the past) that he pisses us off enough to move out, because he thinks we can move out whenever we want. This guy has not been in the real world since ‘95 or ‘96, and before that, hadn’t had to look for a job since the ‘70s, hadn’t had to look for another place to live since the ‘90s. He has no idea how expensive rent is, how shit the job opportunities are around here, how it’s impossible to find a decent paying job and be expected to make rent while being able to feed one’s self, etc. He is so detached from reality that he’s trying to delude himself that shit still works like it did in the 70s.

I had to make up a lie that I get car sick unless I have my music. The reality of it is that my dad stresses me out so much I fear him bringing up a topic we both know I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut on to where he will then stress me out, threaten my life, and then tell me he threatened my life “just so I would shut up.” So, dad believing that I get car sick without my music, he claims it’s a “problem with the middle ear,” which is a thing with some people, so I’m playing along with that. Gives me an excuse to not listen to my mom’s piece of shit radio station in the truck on those VERY DAMN FEW times she takes me somewhere (seriously, unless it’s to work, seeing a local country concert, or seeing her sister, my mom doesn’t wanna leave the house) and not have to explain to her why I bury my head in my own music when she won’t fucking talk to me about shit I wanna talk about, shit I’ve wanted to talk about since childhood but she doesn’t fucking care. She tried so hard to get me to be like her, wanting to live on a farm, but it failed. She knows it failed. So she doesn’t wanna talk unless it’s about the lifestyle she always wanted.

And this is the weird part, they have views and shit that would make you go “that’s not very typical of a Trump supporter” so because they’re “not so bad” to other moderates or right-wingers, I don’t have a right to complain. My parents know evolution is a thing (yet are climate change deniers), have no problem with me being a Pagan or practicing witchcraft (but will talk shit about Muslims), think that Halloween is too kiddified and the fun is sucked out of it (but there’s a “war on xmas”), and thought I spent way too much time in my room on my computer in high school (but they rarely leave their own internet devices in the living room; dad just has a computer but refuses to touch social media and hates modern technology despite being hopelessly addicted to YouTube). Like...?

Here’s what’s sad...

When my parents first got together and had me, they were a loving married couple with a kid. My brother came along, things were still smooth sailing. Dad gets hurt and we’re plunged into inescapable poverty and all of a sudden dad ignores me, mom ignores me, only interaction is breakfast, dinner, and screaming and belittling. That’s it. There was still favorites, and because the favorite died, it’s like I don’t matter that much to them, especially since I didn’t turn out anything special like they’d hoped for. They won’t own up to their mistakes, they conveniently ignore that half the time growing up I was yelled at for lack of social interaction outside of forced interaction with my brother and having ADHD and anxiety. In fact, I still can’t tell if they’re the cause of my anxiety or if I was born with it because of how young I was when the complete one-eighty with them happened.

And yet they still act like they’ll be wealthy someday, so they support the rich getting tax cuts and worship the cheetoh in office. I think they banked on me and my brother becoming successful and wealthy after high school that they continued to avoid admitting they’re stuck in poverty. Now they think they’ll eventually get wealthy with the fucking royalties on the oil (spoilers: no, lol, they’re kinda getting screwed actually but won’t admit it) or hitting the lottery.

Dad presses all of these money-making ideas onto me, ideas I don’t care about or don’t like, and won’t do it himself. He won’t even write stories to have them published because that would mean he’d have a hobby. Too much work. He even said the whole reason why he got a job at the steel mill was so he didn’t have to think. He literally claimed he’d rather have someone think for him and admitted that he’s proud to be ignorant of technology. No, I’m not kidding.

So my husband and I are forced to live with these two assholes, whose marriage is barely held together (they barely interact with one another, and when they do, half the time one is pissed at the other) and only keep the marriage going because divorce is expensive and at least they’re not as bad as their exes (mom had her jaw broken by an ex, dad was nearly killed by an ex).

Once they move north, we’ll be going with them, attend Kent State, and get the fuck out of Ohio. And I’m never looking back.

#personal #rant #needed to get this off my chest

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