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csuitebitches · 5 months

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2024 Planning

I started planning for 2024 today. I’ve learned a lot this year, made mistakes, had some successes and now it’s time to take all my learnings, good or bad, and go to the next level.

I prefer starting next year’s routine from 2023’s November and December so that by the time January rolls around, I’m settled into the routine. If there’s any revisions necessary, I can do them without starting my new year on the wrong foot.

I maintain my goals on mostly short and medium term basis. This includes daily, weekly and quarterly planning (I don’t do monthly because it doesn’t work for me).

This may seem complicated (actually, it looks more complicated than it is but it’s just what helps me) but let me show you how exactly I do things.

I keep two diaries. One for daily and weekly and one for quarterly. I have a habit tracker on my phone for my daily non-Negotiables (exercise, meditation, reading and language).

The quarterly diary is my big big diary. Every quarter, it lists out all the big plans, what i want to do and who i want to be. It’s all the messy thoughts I have, all my dreams, my weaknesses, my strengths, etc etc. The only “practical” part of the diary is that there is one general plan made at the end of my mad scribbling. It has the general idea, feedback I’ve received from other people and compilation of all the advice I’ve gotten from my mentors.

2. The daily - weekly diary breaks the plan into manageable bits. I write out the week’s plan (who do i need to meet, who do i need to follow up with, any major presentation coming up, any assignment, what am i reading this week) and write a one sentence daily update on it.

I can’t use a habit tracker for this because i’m not tracking meditation or exercise on here. I’m tracking my career goals, my ambitious goals, into smaller goals. A habit tracker wouldnt cut it because I would have to elaborate more on certain things.

For example:

“20-27th Nov: Weekly list

budget presentation on Monday

1 event to attend on Tuesday. Topic: XYZ

Reading: the inheritors

reach out to mentor, schedule a meeting

7 language essays and 7 videos

Monday, 20th Nov.

work presentation: complete.

Feedback received: i need to work on XYZ.

points they raised that didnt cross my mind: XYZ

follow ups required and if yes, with who: XYZ

reading: complete. Interesting point they brought up: XYZ

essay for the day: complete.

Video complete:

Tuesday, 21st Nov

mentor meeting scheduled

event went well. Met: A, B, C who work in XYZ companies. Follow up with them next week for coffee/ drinks.

essay: complete

video: complete”

Having two diaries helps me because i can find my bigger goals without having to go through the daily entry mess. I like having the two separate.

Nov ‘23 + Dec ‘23 + Q1 2024’s goals include:

Social (meeting new people, maintaining networks)

Intellectual (biographies, documentaries, industry reports)

Personal (soft skills, language studies)

Work (presentations, courses, conferences)

A major change I’ve making this year is actively working on every single weakness I have that I know is a potential strength. I’m ignoring weaknesses that I know are 100% weaknesses like coding because there’s just no way I can sit in front of a computer and learn all that, it’s absolutely not my cup of tea and does not make me happy.

I made a list of every single weakness i have and I’m embarrassed about and ashamed of. 2024 is the year of NO shame. I’m not letting my intrusive thoughts win.

Next to each weakness I wrote out a potential solution.

Ex: not picking up the language i’m studying as fast as i want to -> write 1 short essay and a 1-2 minute video of me talking about anything in that language every single day

I’m not allowing any unnecessary negative self doubt or self talk happen. Constructive criticism is one thing, being a bitch to yourself is another. I plan to learn a lot next year.

I’ve created a manageable exposure therapy plan for myself - I aim to meet 3 new people every month and follow up with 5 new connections every month, whether it’s over chat or irl.

I’ve made a list of business biographies I’m going to read. This year I reached my reading target earlier than anticipated which I’m very happy about. Next year I’m focusing on books that are solely about business, technology and psychology.

#powerful woman #c suite #strong women #ceo aesthetic #personal growth #that girl #productivity #getting your life together #balance #2024 planning #planning my year #Goals #goal setting #how to plan #diary #journal

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mirrored-movements · 11 months

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Home Pt. 2

(Yandere!Miguel O'Hara x F!Reader)

Synopsis: You've always had the ability to travel through universes, there was never a reason as to why and you never paused to question it. However, there was someone else who began to question it.

Warnings: Obsessive behavior? Horrible writing probably <3

Part 1 Here

“And you’re 100% sure you’re qualified to do all of this?” Finding yourself seated on a medical chair with the sleeve of your arm rolled up and a tension banned wrapped around your forearm, you stared at Miguel wearily.

Over the past few days, you’d been stuck with the man going through some tests in order to determine your ‘danger level’. Most of them unfortunately coming out inconclusive leading the man to declare that he needed a blood sample.

“How many times do I have to tell you- I am qualified.” Rolling his eyes with an exasperated sigh Miguel shook his head, one hand holding an alcohol wipe while the other readied a needle.

Rolling your own eyes in a mockery you let out a huff. “Qualified with what though? I’ve been stuck in your presence for almost a week now and I barely know anything about you. What happened to some small talk or something?”

His head shook from side to side once more, the man merely humming to signify he was somewhat listening all the while taking a quick blood sample. It wasn’t that he didn’t like you; you seemed like an outgoing person, and got along with most of the people that happen to stumble across you within the HQ.

It was just the fact that he didn’t know if you were an anomaly or not and didn’t want to risk getting attached nor risk the multiverse.

He couldn’t go through any of that again.

“Well, what exactly do you want to know? I might feel obliged to humour you.” Pulling away from your arms and passing you a small bandaid, Miguel twisted around to set the vial of blood into a centrifuge. His gaze flickered towards you from the side awaiting whatever your little mind might come up with.

As if not expecting this response you hesitated for a second, suddenly every question you had before left your brain and only one stupidly basic one remained. “What's your favorite colour?”

Blinking almost dumbfounded at the simple question he fully turned to face you, mind wondering why out of everything you could’ve asked that you asked that.

“I don’t have one.”

“What about favorite animal?”

“No.”

“Favorite season?”

“None.”

“Are you just going to say no to all my questions or are you going to answer one of them?” Finding that he wasn’t answering anything no matter how simple you crossed your arms with a disgruntled huff.

Seeing the way you grew annoyed with his replies Miguel's lips barely quirked up, one of his thick brows raising. “Well, are you going to ask any actual questions?” Retorting back with that he then rose up from his seat, eyes remaining fixed to where you sat.

“Ok fine, if you weren’t bitten by a spider how come you’re still a Spiderman?”

“I’m not answering that.” Taking the vial of blood from the small machine Miguel had to hide his amusement at the way you’d begun complaining. Your smaller form quickly jumping up from your seat to begin berating him trying to come to a conclusion to your own question.

“But you said-” “I said I might feel obliged.”

“So you were never going to answer in the first place?!” Gasping dramatically at the realization you laughed in disbelief at the sort of sneaky smirk that’d curled across the man's face.

Maybe there was a reason you’d gotten mixed up in all this multiverse madness.

“Lyla,” Calling out to his AI, Miguel awaited her appearance. The holographic image right away questioned him on what he needed. “Check in on (Y/N).” The command was simple to follow, and despite the small teasing from the AI a screen had popped up before her.

“Mm looks like she’s chatting with some people.” Musing that out Lyla bobbed her head, her small form flickering to the side as Miguel peered over at the screen. A part of him wondered who you’d found yourself talking with.

He couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the sight of Ben leaning over a pillar dramatically, whatever being said presumably incoherent as yourself and the form of Peter both shared a look before bursting into laughter.

His chest rumbled.

“Lyla, assign those two to a mission.”

Looking over at the man with a brow raised she made a pop noise with her lips. “There are no missions curr-” “Make something then. Tell them to investigate something or someone or just- do something.” His hand waved through the air as he spoke, “And tell (Y/N) to come here.”

“Roger that.”

Watching the small hologram fade away he let out a breath, tongue running across the elongated canines within his mouth before another huff left him. Heavy steps bringing him back over towards the microscope he’d been occupied with for the past few hours.

Eyes peaking through it once more at the sample that rested below, watching the small cells dance around. The genetic makeup of them seemingly assimilating with the atmosphere around them, matching with the structure of those from that universe.

It was a breakthrough in his opinion.

A serendipitous breakthrough.

“Damn room is always so damn dark.” Stepping into the room that housed Miguel's strange floating office you grumbled under your breath about the lack of light, eyes struggling to adjust to it. “You know ambient lighting is a thing.”

“The light hurts my eyes.”

Practically jumping out of your skin at the sudden appearance of the hulking man you let out a forced laugh. “Does that have to do with your spider bite-less Spiderman abilities or something?”

“It does actually.” Without skipping a beat Miguel clicked his tongue, gaze drifting across the plain look stretched out across your face at the response, it looked like you hadn’t expected it either.

“Oh, ok thats, thats something I guess.” Clasping your hands together you nodded your head, praying that your face gave off the ‘what did you call me here for’ look.

To be honest, you didn’t mind Miguel. He was very intimidating upon your first meeting however it seemed like as the testing progressed and you were stuck with him for a while he seemed to loosen up. As much as he could at least, there were still some things that freaked you out a bit.

Such as the way he could just appear out of nowhere and scare the literal soul of of you as well as his temper. You’ve only seen it once since being at HQ, it was short but nearly ingrained into your brain as in that moment you’d come to find that perhaps he was more spider like- then the spider-people.

Fangs. He had fangs is what you meant, and claws- you think.

“You shouldn’t socialize too much with everyone here. They might question why a civilian is here.” Chiding that in absentmindedly he outstretched one of his arms towards the floating platform, a practically glowing web being shot from a device around his wrist allowing him to gain access to it.

Blinking at what he’d said then what he did you opened your mouth to speak only to shut it right after as that same glowing web shot down attaching to the front of your shirt. With a short yell in surprise, you were whisked onto the platform, Miguel's hands planting onto your shoulder to steady you as soon as you’d landed.

“A little warning would’ve been nice.”

“I’m going to swing you onto the platform.”

Giving him an ‘Are you serious’ look you’d dropped it rather quickly. He seemed different compared to when the last time you both chatted. More…willing to speak and joke around with you if that makes sense.

Before he seemed to keep you at arms reach but now it felt like he was trying to make up for lost time.

“Ok well we’re on the platform now, what did you want to show me? Or why did you need me.” Somewhat growing anxious with the sudden silence you watched him press a few things against a glowing orange keyboard, a pair of large circles popping up.

“Do you know what these are?”

Starring at the two things your brows furrowed. “I don’t know a cow pattern?”

“This one,” He pointed towards the one on the right, “Is from your average day civilian. This one,” the other one was pointed to. “Is from you. Notice any difference?”

“Yes?” He gave you an incredulous look and you corrected your response. “No, I don’t.”

“Exactly. From this, we know you’re not an anomaly.”

Perking up at this you stared at him in disbelief, heart beginning to race a little at the prospect of being allowed to leave. “So does that mean I can go home now? That we’re done testing?”

He didn’t quite like that implication.

“You are home.” Seeing the way your hands fell back to your sides he added on as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “This is the average citizen from here, Earth-928 and, your genetic code- this here,” He motioned back towards your circle. “Matches here.”

“Whatever home you had is here now. You belong here, it is set in stone.” There was no way he was going to mention how your code blends in with whatever universe you found yourself in.

Why go somewhere else, when you could stay there?

Blinking while trying to process what he was saying you began to shake your head in disbelief. “Well, your data is wrong then. I wasn’t born here, so I can’t stay here.” Stepping back you shook your head at him, mind still trying to wrap around this. “You said I’m not an anomaly so I can just continue to do what I was doing before coming here.”

“But what if you leave here and then become an anomaly? What happens then? It is proven that breaking what is meant to happen ruins worlds.”

“Now you’re just trying to psyche me out. I know I don’t belong here Miguel, whatever tests you did are wrong.”

Clicking his tongue he watched you carefully, eyes sharp, almost predatory now compared to how you recalled them being. However, he raised his hands in mock surrender. “Alright, you can go.”

“But do you even know where home is?”

Your mind paused at this, unwilling to quite process what he’d said. You’d been traveling around for so long- did you remember where you lived? Was there ever actually a place you called home or was that something you made up in a sort of last-ditch effort to seek self-comfort?

But, despite all that- you surely weren’t going to be stuck in one place. That’s not how you did things.

“I’m sure I can manage.” Choosing your words carefully noting how Miguel had become ridged you felt as though it was in your best interest to open a portal. “It was nice to meet you, Miguel.”

“You get lonely traveling around.” Once more he spoke, hand leaning out to press a key on the keyboard, your voice playing through some speakers of a conversation you’d had with Peter on one of a few occasions. Maydays father becoming some sort of comforting face you found yourself returning to for advice- despite his advice being close to unusable. “Never fitting in. People alienating you. Seems like you’ve had more fun and made more friends here than, say the hundreds of dimensions you’ve been to.”

“Am I correct?”

“Why are you suddenly so interested in everything? You weren’t like this the first time I came here.”

“I didn’t know if you were going to be stable here. But now I do.” Whatever was running through his mind left him letting out another breath. “And I know where you belong now. All this time, all these portals- led you here.”

“To me.”

Stunned. Shocked. Confused. Speechless.

Those were only a few words you could use to describe how you were currently feeling. Just an overall ‘What?’ could sum up everything.

“Miguel,” Raising a hand as though you were trying to tame some sort of wild animal you sucked in a breath. “I barely know you. You barely know me. We barely know each other.”

Taking a step the man hummed nodding along, something you previously took as a friendly manner now seemingly less friendly and more of a way to keep him from lashing out. “Then we get to know each other. It’s not too late.”

“It’s never too late.” Despite his tone sounding hopeful, the look he gave sent your nerves buzzing, a hidden challenge almost. Cocoa hues flickering a ruby hue the longer you seemed to remain silent- say something.

Seeing that you weren’t answering Miguel glanced up at the ceiling, the last bit of his patience wearing thin- not that it was very big, to begin with. “I’ll give you a head start,” A step forward from him was a step back for you, the airy laughs leaving him sounding hollow. “You can go anywhere you want, any dimension. But if you can’t find where your ‘home’ is by the end of the day?”

“I’ll come and get you. And bring you home.”

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Casually wrote the three things on my account in one day <3 anyways if you have any issues with my writing or anything, sue me IG idk.

Anyways lemme know if you want a part 3- I might feel inclined to write more for my lovely lovely Miguel <3

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yieldfruit · 8 months

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I have never gotten along with my mom, and as the years go by, I’ve never had much hope of reconciliation. Lately, I’ve felt so defeated because I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m thirty-four, my mother is eighty-two, my siblings are all grown and I feel like our family is crumbling from the inside out. I have this fear that my mom will die and I will never have truly known her and vice versa.

"Pt. 2 She hates me and my siblings and I don’t know why. She identifies as a Christian and there are aspects of her life that mimic Christ-like behavior, but she shows no natural affection or love for my siblings and myself. She never has; her love has been conditional from my first memories as a pre-schooler. I never trusted her, I never bonded with her. I only knew fear, shame and confusion from the beginning.

Pt. 3 Last fall, she told me she was “praying for my Downfall” and justified it by saying David prayed against his enemies. I was left wondering when exactly I became her enemy and not her child. It hurt me greatly but it also scared me and confused me on an emotional level I’ve never felt before. I deal with chronic pain and sometimes, I’m down for weeks on end. I began to wonder if she took pleasure in those times I was sick and if we felt vindicated by my pain. It really got to me.

Pt. 4 I’m at the end of my rope. We have had multiple meetings with her pastor but she has since cut him off and stopped going to that church. She’s moved to a church that doesn’t know me or my siblings and I think this is because she feels the less they know me, the more she can easily control the narrative.

Pt. 5 My heart is so hurt over trauma that has happened in the past and has been the foundation of our relationship but no matter what, she maintains the opinion and believe that I was 100% deserving of her treatment and that she should have gone farther than she did. When she says this, I break inside because it is as if my pain is nothing to her and her answer is to say she should have inflicted even more pain on me as a child."

----

I am so sorry for this great pain you have experienced. I am so sorry. Parent relationships can be difficult at times, especially through the teen years and adult years depending on the health of the relationship and if the parent remains controlling, negative, and/or condescending. I am sorry you have experienced all three. A child should not be hurt by their parent in this way of inflicting willful pain. Parents will instill discipline and form to their parenting that can seem tough at times for sure, but it is for the love of the child and not to be a joy to see your child hurt. I am so sorry. She must have some deep wounds herself, but she is getting older and may go see the Lord soon if she is saved (I don't know, it sounds like there is no fruit of the Spirit there, but I do not know for sure the status of anyone's ultimate salvation and things could yet change even on her "deathbed"). I would pray for her and her salvation/walk with the Lord, not speak too much to her in the sense of not opening opportunities for further hurt for you and for her to lash out and/or be condescending/negative to you, and I do believe biblically we are to honor our parents but that does not mean we have to be under their thumb as adults or gloss over glaring hurts taking place. I find speaking less to people who are willfully hurtful/inflict pain on others as a bit of a gain for themselves, is helpful. To honor her by praying for her and being there for her as appropriately needed, but to know you are an adult separate from her now and making your own choices and under the headship of Jesus Christ and your family is the body of Christ. May the Lord be with you and comfort your heart this evening, may you sleep well, and may you find relief in Scripture and in your walk with the Lord as your identity superseding all human relationships. I recommend listening to Jon Thurlow on YouTube, his set called "I Understand" and "He Feels it All".

Hugs,

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woodsfae · 1 year

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Babylon 5 s02e01 Points of Departure

s01 table of contents • s01 wrap-up • previous episode: s01e22

I did pinky promise!

That's definitely John Sheridan. Captain (?) of the Agamemnon.

Partner: Is that the new captain? What happened to the old one?

Me: Nothing has happened to the commander. The commander of deep space 9 is still in command.

Partner: .... ???

oops, heh. Got my Star Trek brain on 100% of the time.

There is still so much going on. The episode has only been going on about thirty seconds and I already feel like there’s ten new plot threads. Sheridan, Sheridan’s deep animosity for, and ability to defeat, Minbari. Minbari warships in Earth space.

And there’s still all the old plot threads! Which I am pretty sure I remember OK. I was dead dog tired last night.

Love Ivanova’s threats! “Knock it the fuck off or I’m putting you in the fusion reactor.” I’ll help.

I appreciate Ivanova doing a little recap.

Oh, dang, that’s more abrupt than I thought Sinclair’s departure would be. Just a Gold Level message that, fyi, he left sometime in the last 8 days and he won’t be back. Bye guy.

That’s great rationale. The Minbari want Sinclair, so they get him. But we’re sending the guy who kicked the Minbari’s ass to command B5, since the Minbari picked their fave for the last one.

And Delenn never got to tell Sinclair the Super Secret Info!

Sooooo the Sheridan/Delenn endgame is going to be Enemies to Lovers?

LOVE Ivanova’s second recap. She should recap everything that needs recapping.

I can’t believe we just found out about vibe showers but haven’t gotten a single, sexy vibe shower scene. This is the 90s. Can I expect a titillating Susan/Talia life-saving co-showering scene?

Good set-up for Sheridan being a sympathetic, likeable figure. Ivanova did not enjoy running the station by herself for over a week, and anyone she’s stoked to see, I’m stoked to see!

Oooo. Betrayal and Minbari on Minbari violence. Sheridan the Star Killer! What a name!

Ivanova: I’ll say a prayer for [Garibaldi] tonight. Dr Franklin: He’s agnostic. Ivanova: Then I’ll say half a prayer.

That’s the friendly Ivanova vs Garibaldi antagonism I’ve always loved so much.

Kalain is going to be a problem, but I’m not sure how, precisely. Or how it’s going to help wrap up any of those many, many plot threads dropped last episode or this one so far.

Hostility! Sheridan vs Minbari: may it bring much interesting viewing. And Sheridan’s just super casually name dropping the Grey Council and Minbari cultural knowledge when that stuff seemed to have been extremely under wraps last season. A shift in worldbuilding, or proof of Sheridan’s Super Secret Classified Knowledge for character building? Questions, questions.

NO, you can’t hurt Lennier, he’s too adorably sweet. Even with that hilarious two-finger martial arts (??) stance. Indisposed is a way to describe Delenn’s condition, but considering how unsure she and Lennier seemed to be of her survival, very sweetly optimistic.

Yeah, where’s the Trigati?

Oh shit! Lennier is about to drop some Super Classified Minbari Info?! Fuck yea.

I’m SO MAD that HBO is currently ahead of Firefox’s plug-ins so I can’t gif every second of Delenn in front of all those explosions.

The horrible truth is...humans are Minbari? Sort of?

This is a step up in the mysticism! I love it! How totally bonkers. So bonkers, it feels like a real religious belief. The Greater Minbari Souls aren’t reincarnating well into Minbari babies, and new Minbari have seemed lesser recently because, for some reason, they’re reincarnating into humans. What the fuck, I mean, did JMS do way too many shrooms in the 80s?

Ahhhh maybe don’t talk about the super secret Minbari-Human soul exchange in the middle of the crowded bridge, though?

OK, I now have worldbuilding answers, but way more questions. I’ve been wondering forever if they have faster-than-light communication, and they do - Sheridan sends a message through the jump point. But then he says the Minbari warship looking for the Trigati was waiting in hyperspace. A...space outside of normal space that the jump points send ships through and brings them back into normal space in other locations?

Oof, And Sheridan can’t win with the Minbari. They’re mad at him for this, too.

Ivanova: I learned awhile ago that there’s enough guilt in the world without grabbing around for more.

Nice exposition, Lennier. But how will the Earthers discover this on their own? I’m intrigued by both that, and by how Delenn’s chrysalis keeps growing. And the weeping, and the cracking.

I appreciate that, although Sheridan feels too superstitious about his speech to not give it, he just goes and gives it to an empty command dome.

Going to miss Sinclair. But I like Sheridan so far.

next episode

#John Sheridan #Susan Ivanova #babylon 5 #woodsfae b5

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blooming-inthedark · 2 years

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I’M HAPPY FOR YOU

but. i can’t be 100% present enough to share your joy because i’m... emulous. and please understand, this makes me feel very shitty. i wish this wasn’t my truth.

currently, three of my female friends are very pregnant. all 3 of them are married. all 3 of them are due within the next month. all 3 of them are having boys, ironically. and all 3 of them are of course very excited about entering motherhood with their bundle of joy, thus, sharing parts of the very happy but sometimes painful and emotional journey with me. and of course, i am happy to sit by and listen to the emotional vents, the funny food cravings and cry spells, the random information about do’s and don’ts of pregnancy, and buying all the gifts [that i can afford] for the baby showers! what an exciting time in my friends’ lives, and i get a front row - well, maybe a 7th row seat if i’m being realistic (because hey, niggas be busy with work and life) - to all of the action.

there’s so much excitement that earlier this week, another one of my female friends revealed to me that she just discovered she is 2 months pregnant. surprise! omg! congratulations! yayy!

but i’m not gonna lie. somehow, hearing this additional exciting news sort of punched me in the gut a little bit. because that little asshole critical voice came through loud and clear.

this is your 4th friend to be with child. the other three are married and she’s engaged. oh, and two of your other friends just closed on a new house this month, with their spouse/partner. two of your friends are high earners. one of your friends from high school wrote a movie and just sold it to a popular TV network. your actor friends? they either gave it up in confidence because they found another passion, or they’re getting booked. so... what is it that you’re doing again?

i know you’re not supposed to compare yourself to other people. and it’s not even that i desire to have a baby, get married, or get a house right now like my friends. those are things that i want in my future, but none of them are really my ‘right now’ goals. the problem is that everyone around me has something in their lives that they can draw joy from, and i no longer have that.

now, i’m not romanticizing their lives and assuming that because they have babies, high paying jobs and marriages means that everything is perfect for them. i know that this isn’t true for anyone. everyone has to deal with some level of sorrow, disappointment, pain, or general bullshit. but that sorrow, disappointment, pain and general bullshit is maybe underlining or sprinkled into their circumstances. it doesn’t HEADLINE their existence.

my frustration since i’ve moved to GA has been losing the balance of things i wanna do vs. things i don’t wanna do... things i like vs. things i really dislike... having a community vs. being by myself...

it seems like everything in my daily routine leaves me drained and passionless. my job is remote, so i spend every day waking up, just to go and sit in the living room. all day. my hours are late, so i miss out on the mingling/networking/playtime events for other actors. by the time i’m off work i’m too tired and annoyed to do anything else other than eat and watch something on tv. my best bet for staying active with creative endeavors is paying for classes but my rent has gone up and my pay has remained the same so i can mostly afford a manicure and a scented candle with what i have left over after bills. i’ve tried to find new jobs, specifically something that doesn’t leave me sitting all day and involves more people interaction. but so far i’ve only gotten rejection emails. the only people who have reached out were scams or didn’t pay enough for me to live off of.

i’ve also been dealing with a phorid fly issue in my apartment during the warm months that the leasing office has done nothing to combat. they are not like fruit flies and drain flies, hanging out in one area. they are attracted to light and alcohol and other random shit. they dart in and out of my face all day at work and i’ve been miserable. (luckily because the weather is getting cold they are finally slowly going away) i know i won’t be renewing, but because of the rent prices here and my lack of decent pay, i haven’t been able to find another apartment in budget that isn’t in a crime ridden area or infested with bugs.

i’ve started and stopped trying to form a physical fitness routine. i try to leave the house on weekends just to say i didn’t spend my entire week in my apartment. i facetime one of my friends every day just to have some people interaction. the few friends i have here i’m able to hang with seldomly, but again we’re all adults with lives and it isn’t very often.

maybe i have a warped sense of what life should look like as a single person who has moved away from their entire family and primary community base. maybe i am stubborn and not willing to sacrifice enough to change my circumstances. perhaps i’m right around the corner from that random, unexpected life changing moment that will turn things around.

all i know is, at this stage in my life, it has been tough to be happy for others without being reminded that there isn’t much happiness in my own life, and how scary it feels to know it has been this way for a while. naturally you figure ‘i’m the common denominator’ so its gotta be something i’m doing wrong. but this only brings more self loathing.

i really don’t want every post on this blog to be me complaining and being emotional about things that have hurt or disappointed me in my life. but damn. this is how its going and writing it down helps.

hoping nobody reads this and judges me. knowing that your opinion means nothing. respectfully. :)

#sigh

envy - 7 me - 0

#personal #life #vent #black writer #black woman #woes #sorrows #disappointment #gripe #envy #envious #adulthood #quarter life crisis #existential crisis #black woman writer #journal

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mcjour · 10 months

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This is me talking through a decision so if you stumble upon this post, keep scrolling, not worth your time lol.

I kinda wanna join the AMC Stubs A-List but kinda don’t.

100% I see how it is an awesome deal and pays for itself almost immediately.

And the timing works out well. Like I would only want a summer subscription I think. It has a 3 month commitment, then if you stop you have to wait 6 months to join again. Okay so basically. I can just do it every summer when I’m on summer break?? I feel a little late to the party this summer though because this is my 3rd week of summer break and I have 6 weeks left. Like ideally if I were to do this next summer, I would start the subscription in June instead of mid July!!

And I 100% need more things to do by myself during summer! And it’s perfect for like an afternoon activity after summer school. And we have gotten sooo much rain this summer and it’s a good rainy day activity.

But idk. I’m not a big movie person! There are truly not a lot of movies I’m dying to see in theaters. Or ever. Like I would absolutely not be the person to watch 3 movies/ week every week. But I am sure I could find the at least 2 per month needed to break even. Even if they are ones that I wouldn’t normally see.

Even this summer, there’s quite a few I’d want to see, but a lot of them are the Disney re-releases and I’m not sure if I can justify going to the movies every two weeks for movies I can watch for nearly free on Disney plus at home. I think I might go a couple times but I’m not sure. And then another movie I want is a $3-$5 older movie so I might as well pay that price lol.

And going to the movies means spending $$$ on snacks!! I know I could always eat beforehand or sneak in snacks myself, but part of the experience is the buttery popcorn and I would want to treat myself at least occasionally. But looking at the website it legit costs $20 just for a popcorn and drink. More than the ticket! Eek.

And I hate driving too. I don’t take the highway, so it’d take me 25-30 minutes instead of 15 to get there. And that’s not a bad drive at all, but like that would definitely keep adding up.

And I have a lot of trouble leaving the house. Intertia, driving anxiety, social anxiety, idk. But I’m just not sure if I can get myself going that often! I already have an amusement park season pass and I’m definitely going to get my money out of it, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was really hard to actually get me out the door!!

There are other movies I am interested in throughout the year, like the upcoming new Disney movies. But they are so far apart that again I can’t justify it.

So I think this summer is a no, but I definitely want to keep it in mind for next summer. Assuming release dates don’t move around too much, there’s already a few movies I would be willing to see, like inside out 2 and despicable me 4. And I’m sure there will be other big summer movies. And they might also run summer movie camp thing again. So I’m sure I will have a thrilling movie summer.

I ended up joining the mid tier premiere level. Which is funny because when I first looked at it I was like wow that is pointless. I changed my mind. It’s $15 for the whole year and it waives the online convenience fees (over $2 per movie.) so I’m like okay I just need to go to 7 movies in the entire year to save some money (not to mention saving money with earned points and stuff). I think that’s more doable for me! I’ve already got my Barbie ticket as the first one. And you know what, if I don’t break even, $15 is a relatively small cost to eat

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cynicalmusings · 1 year

Note

WAAA I HAVEN'T INTERACTED IN SO LONG!!!

life just got so busy ;=; with exams, upcoming colleges i have to think about applying, my future – it's really held me back from breathing and interacting with what i like :( BUT I AM HERE TO INTERACT ONCE MORE!!! maybe i can finally draw again bwoah, it's been weeks since I've picked up that dusty ol tablet

anyways, that writer ask game heehoo o_o : 🌈 🍉 🤍

it’s good to see you again! hopefully things will calm down soon for you.

(don’t worry; i haven’t properly touched my genshin writing in ages, so you’re not the only one who’s let dust gather in some creative areas…)

now, onto the ask game:

🌈 - is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

cyno’s dark fairytale au is… pretty hard work. i love working on it, don’t get me wrong, but the elaborate writing style paired with actually having to follow a planned out storyline and make sure the plot is tight and makes sense etc. as opposed to winging funky little oneshots is quite difficult sometimes, considering i have the attention span of a hummingbird (do hummingbirds have short attention spans? they just came to mind for some reason.) i’ve also talked sometimes about how i pride myself on that 100 followers special fic, because it took time. i had to visualise the character designs and do some brief research on mask designs (primarily venetian masks), and it took me literal weeks to choose which waltz/ piece to assign to the characters that matched their personality and their scene best. then i also needed to write the whole thing up, and the level of detail in that is up there with my dark fairytale au. i’ll always be a tiny bit salty that it has below 100 notes whereas some random brainrots i slapped down on a whim get, like, five times as many, but hey, what can you do?

🍉 - in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

i use writing (and reading) a lot as a sort of escape mechanism. when i’m stressed or going through a tough mental spot, it really helps to lose myself in fiction and especially in fictional characters that i like, and not have to worry about real life for a bit. call me painfully self-indulgent, but sometimes i imagine how certain characters might comfort me if i came to them with my troubles, and it actually helps me wind down a bit. i realise it’s… slightly worrying that i’m literally coming to fictional characters in my own brain for comfort instead of real people, but, uh… it’s nice, so… good for me….?

🤍 - what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

oooh…. i don’t know, actually. i already sort of mentioned my 100 followers special, and i don’t want to repeat myself, so let me look through my masterlist quickly.

…funnily enough, this isn’t actually on my masterlist, but maybe that continuation of a the kazuha royalty au i originally got as an event request ages ago. i did a touch of worldbuilding here and there and it was pretty fun, and i remember being somewhat proud of the reader’s character development; something which maybe might not have been ‘gotten’, or at least registered that much, by the audience because of the reader meaning to be self-insertion-y instead of a full-fledged character, and i definitely leaned more heavily towards making them a character of their own for that. i don’t really regret it, though, because i enjoyed writing for them and treating them like a character rather than a blank slate— to be honest, i find writing a reader with a clear personality more satisfying than one without, even if it’s not really the point. basically, i’d rather be compelled by a character than see myself in their shoes 100%, even if it means sacrificing some of that self-insertion. to be honest, i could go into a full-fledged essay (ramble) about how i write reader inserts and why and some pet peeves i have with their characterisations (or lack thereof, in some cases), but i’ll spare you poor souls for now.

#sent: bluebelony #r answers

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lesser-mook · 1 year

Video

youtube

God of War Ragnarok is Not a Masterpiece

Disclaimer: Despite the essay, this is a good video, just one thing he said sounded very off to me.

OP: Get a wife and have children is having responsibilities- "right?" 1:01:40

Also OP: The game he's criticizing is written by a guy who he says got married and divorced & his Wii console got confiscated and he did other shady shit. 1:02:36

Conflicting message there, obviously despite his opinion, being a nihilist doesn’t equate to maturity and neither does marriage equate to “growing up”.

So roping yourself into a counterproductive legal deal that benefits you as a man in zero way, is growing up, then the flipside is your shit gets taken when/ or if she gets bored with you.

I hear what he’s saying about not being a pessimist prick 24/7 (and that’s coming from me)

Relevant message, cause it's a serious problem with our culture today that we see the negative more than positive.

*But respectfully, he should choose his wording better:*

EXAMPLE:

*"-Like getting married and having children, or whatever you feel gives you purpose."*

BOOM, easy script fix, add a statement that’s inclusive to many walks in life that would count as a person handling responsibilities and growing up.

Also, to debunk this myth.

“Manhood” isn’t something a woman’s “womanhood” bestows to you like an MMO RPG powerup. And vice versa.

Handling your responsibilities, and TAKING responsibility is what makes you a man, actually.

You can get married, have 7 kids or sleep with 100-500women a week and still be an immature piece of crap that neglects their kids, and responsibilities.

So marriage nor clapping cheeks boosts your Manhood XP, handling business does.

And for women, especially American women, it’s taking accountability. You’d be surprised how badly girls need to be taught this lesson, you’ll have a lot less karens and less girls starting fights with boys their female privilege can’t finish.

So don’t kick your own ass if you haven’t bed the sheets yet or you’re a woman that hasn’t gotten married by 30-35

Your life isn’t over just because you didn’t follow the script.

Because tbh, for women and men there’s more to life than getting married and happily contributing to our encroaching overpopulation crisis. Getting married and having kid's isn't the blueprint to happiness nor a sign of maturity, it's a quest to pad your ego and validate yourself.

*In some cases it's a shortcut to keeping yourself busy when you have little ambition, expectation or goals in life.*

Notice how i said, SOME cases, not all. Some people actually get it right, and marry for the right reasons beyond a nice piece of ass or bullshit like "compatibility".

Some couples choose not to breed and just adopt, some people do that, and it's great.

Some people take their time, and actually invest in each other and not one person jumping through hoops because that’s what they’re supposed to do and society has no expectations of the other party to get off their ass and do anything proactive because they’re not “the man”.

And i ONLY call it the “right way”, because when you get married, the point, i presume is to STAY married and not contribute to another divorce statistic.

And to do that, the incentive has to be deeper than surface level appeal, etc. etc., i’ve said this all before.

Because what marriage actually does is limit your options as well as your freedom, because you'll be too busy to actually do anything at your own pace. It'll always be about the wife and kids; As a man specifically, you're the lowest factor, always.

Labeling that as "growing up", ball & chain, when immature people get married and pop out babies just to suit their ego's everyday. Every minute- Is very very reckless and stupid thing to say, this isn't the 50's.

Otherwise, i get it. In context, he’s right, bad writing does pander to intellectually lazy people for the wrong reasons. But we got to be conscious of how we use language to get the point across.

#youtube #god of war #god of war ragnarok #video essay #off my mind #marriage #live your life your way #food for thought

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terripig · 2 years

Text

Geometry wars 3 dimensions best super

#GEOMETRY WARS 3 DIMENSIONS BEST SUPER UPGRADE#

#GEOMETRY WARS 3 DIMENSIONS BEST SUPER TV#

A continuation of the Geometry Wars franchise of shooting games, here is my official review of Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions!ĭue to this game not having a storyline, this section shall remain blank.

#GEOMETRY WARS 3 DIMENSIONS BEST SUPER TV#

Not even a single week ago, the Vita and PlayStation TV both got a new game in this genre. The genre is continuing and many franchises have gotten requests for sequels, particularly games like Dead Nation, which are exclusive to PlayStation and have had good reception. The PS Vita has gotten a few TTS games in its time, such as Crimsonland, Dead Nation, and Super Stardust Delta. Even this genre can vary, but there is a lot to see within it. Among shooting games, one genre that I’ve taken a liking to, as of late, is the Twin-Stick Shooting genre. There are a lot of 2D platformers out there, as well as shooting games. Cleaning Up (Bronze): Destroy the cleaner.Developer: Lucid Games, Activision (Publisher)Īmong indie games are many genres that have been repeated among the libraries of games. King Killer (Silver): Spend 60 seconds outside of the safety King Zones in King Classic. Beat Andy (Silver): Beat the Developer high score of 21,468,350 on Pacifism Classic. Bullet Proof (Silver): Score over 2 million on Maze without dying. Stationary (Silver): Score over 500,000 points on Waves Classic without moving. Peacekeeper (Bronze): Survive for 60 seconds on Deflector without shooting and pass the level. Survivalist (Silver): Survive for 30 seconds on Pacifism Classic without going through a gate. Sharp Shooter (Silver): Score over 500,000 on Twisted Blister without moving. Retro (Silver): Score over 10 million on Evolved Classic Level before losing a life. Bossman (Bronze): Defeat any boss in Adventure Mode without using a Drone Super or a Smart Bomb. Deadliest (Silver): Complete Deadline Classic without losing a life. Rocket Destroyer (Bronze): Destroy 10,000 Rocket enemies in total. Beat Phil (Silver): Beat the Developer high score of 21,478,525 on Nufo Flow. Beat Col (Silver): Beat the Developer high score of 4,769,150 on Gate Dash. Beat Craig (Silver): Beat the Developer high score of 11,261,635 on Peanut Dreams. Gatherer (Silver): Collect 1 million Geoms in Adventure Mode. BFF (Gold): Achieve 3 Stars on all 10 levels in Co-op Mode. Best Friends (Silver): Beat the Garnet boss in Co-op Mode. Powered Up (Bronze): Activate each Super State at least once. Dying Time (Silver): Be killed by every enemy type at least once. Kill Them All (Silver): Kill every enemy type at least once. Geomtastic (Gold): Earn a multiplier of at least 1000 on any level in Adventure Mode. Multi Millionaire (Silver): Score at least 100 million points on any level in Adventure Mode. Millionaire (Bronze): Score at least 1 million points on any level in Adventure Mode. Keen Adventurer (Gold): Beat the Topaz boss in Adventure Mode. Geometry Warrior (Gold): Earn 3 Stars on all 50 levels of Adventure Mode. First Step (Bronze): Earn 3 Stars on any level in Adventure Mode. Boom (Bronze): Kill 100 enemies with a single Smart Bomb.

#GEOMETRY WARS 3 DIMENSIONS BEST SUPER UPGRADE#

Maximise (Silver): Upgrade all 5 Drones to their maximum level. Specialist (Bronze): Upgrade any Drone to its maximum level. Platinum (Platinum): Unlock all other trophies. Successfully complete one of the following tasks to get a trophy:

#Geometry wars 3 dimensions best super

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pacifymebby · 2 years

Note

Hey girly age gap crush anon here. I know it’s been a while but things have been going quite well! I can’t really remember any of my last messages but I don’t think they were too important so you can just ignore them!

Anyway so the guy who I’ve been talking to/seeing and I have been getting along really well and his friend has officially moved away for the foreseeable future! He’s spent the night at my house and my dad actually seemed to really like him! We have gone all the way now and it was really great and I think I’ve gotten past the whole thinking of sex as just cumming because I didn’t even think about whether I came or not I just really enjoyed the experience!

Now the only thing is I asked him if it’s just sex for him and he said it’s not and I said it’s not for me either (because it isn’t) but I think he’s either thinking of moving things forward soonish or ending things (I can’t tell because I thought with age gap crush that he was gonna ask me to be official and then he dumped me so idk). The only problem with this is he lives fairly far away and we’ve already established that I’m a clingy baby. So seeing him every 2-3 weeks would be like hell. How do you cope with not getting to see B for a while when he’s working a lot? Also if you can’t get to this message don’t worry about it bestie!! Please take care of yourself and I hope you’re doing better 💕

Hi angel, its v lovely to hear from you and I'm really glad things are going well.

Something I think with relationships and stuff which is really difficult is that you have to kind of allow yourself to maintain a level of innocence and naivety. It doesn't do to try and preemptively judge what your new persons going to do based on the way a previous partner behaved. Especially when the previous partner let you down massively. See with me and B, if I were to predict his behaviours and actions based on what my exes did then I'd have ended up ruining the relationship I have with B. And to an extent that is the way I was when we first started out together and the way it sometimes still is when we argue, which doesn't happen often which kind of makes it harder to break out of the bad patterns.

What I'm trying to get at is that obviously your last guy dumped you when you weren't expecting it but this guy might do something very different. Your new man is a totally different person to your old guy and any more people in the future will be totally different people again with different motives and personalities and stuff. I think you have to treat every relationship a little like its a first in that way. Don't compare it to others because its a new thing all on its own. You don't want to taint this one with stains from the last. Obviously its difficult and to an extent impossible, and when you notice yourself doing it I'd say allow yourself a moment to compare and then take a breath and let the thought go. Thats what I have to do with B anyway.

Secondly, clingy babies rise up <3 <3 honestly bestie I feel that so hard. I've been in way longer distance relationships in the past to be honest and when me and B were first friends I saw him once a year max and we'd have to talk on the phone every night and I'd still end up all heart aching and missing him. I won't lie to you its really really hard but if you love someone or even just like them enough, the happiness of being with them or hearing their voice is enough to carry you through. It does sometimes feel like living a half life though. I've spent a lot of this last year coming to terms with the fact I often don't feel 100% myself and happy when B is not with me. Falling asleep alone is difficult and I often find that the sociable parts of my day really lack when he isn't there and I'm on my own. Something I used to do though was phone him when it was time to make my dinner. We'd have these long conversations which would often end with an hour of quiet and occasional saying something to one another, just having the other persons presence on the phone being enough. It wasn't really enough but it did help and was a comfort. I think knowing when you can next see each other is an important thing too, having a plan to see each other again when you have to leave each other makes it way easier.

But I think just texting and phoning and stuff every day is really helpful when you're long distance and clingy. But for sure its a horrible horrible struggle and it will be draining and shit. You can make it work though and if someone makes you happy I think its better to try than just give up.

Also just so you know I'm probably moving away from this account, so if you want to keep messaging me (I would love it if you did bestie otherwise I will miss you a lot) my new @ will be @d0vechild <3 <3 <3

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sapphirelass · 2 years

Text

Failure - Weasley Family x Weasley!Reader

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧I solemnly swear that I am up to no good✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

'Ello everyone! Once again it's been ages since I posted a story. I promise I am writing!!! I'm just... writing veeeeeerrrrrrryyyy slowly... But hey, what can one do?

Tbh, I'm not too sure about this one, but I have been working on it for weeks now, so I'm just gonna post it and hope someone likes it. I have some other fics coming up (hopefully) soon - and mainly HP actually! I started writing for Percy Jackson, Team Flash, Spider-Man and a few other characters, but I'm in such a Harry Potter mood at the moment (thanks to the 20th-anniversary reunion)... Ahhhh... I don't know! Anyways, I'll get back to writing for someone and let you all enjoy this sad thing for now! See yah!

Note: As always I'm finishing this late at night meaning I will probably have to reread this one more time and check for potential errors, but it's late, so I'm just going to trust Grammarly and post it for now! Enjoy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note:

1: I don’t own any of the gifs used, nor any already established characters, so credit to the authors and original creators - You have done a phenomenal job :)

2: English is not my native language, as I was born and raised in Sweden. I have, however, studied English for almost a decade, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem, I just thought I’d let you know ;)

+ CEFR level C2 (due to passing the C1 advanced test with an A)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word count: ≈ 3,1k

Warnings: Mild swearing, death eaters, cruciatus curse (not very descriptive), angst, feeling anxious

Enjoy! :)

Read as xOC instead of character insert

~~~Failure - Weasley Family x Weasley!Sister~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m serious, dad, there’s nothing to worry about - the plan is fool-proof!”

(y/n) rushed furiously up the stairs of her childhood home with her backpack in her right hand. She had been trying to get everything packed for half an hour, desperately wanting to be 100% ready once her mother would wake up, as it would be next to impossible to prepare for her next job with Mrs Weasley around. (y/n) had however not expected her dad to be too much of a problem - it was usually him who would convince his wife not to worry about the kids every time they left the house - but clearly, the task she had been assigned meant taking a risk so big that even Arthur was hesitant about letting his daughter go.

“I know it sounds that way, sweetie, but this job is not like anything you’ve ever done before, it’s… It’s… It’s different, an-”

It felt both weird and oddly familiar at the same time. She had moved to her own flat a few years earlier and had gotten used to not having overprotective brothers and parents trying to prevent her from going on dangerous missions. Originally, she hadn’t planned to go back ‘home’ until after this job, but her mother had started driving her younger siblings mad, causing them to send a letter asking their older sister to PLEASE come home and help prepare for Bill and Fleur’s wedding. It had been a long time since (y/n) last had to handle this situation, but her father seemed to have no problem picking up where they left off.

“How, dad?” She turned around and violently pulled a hand through her red hair, desperately trying to keep her voice down. “Apprehending people who turned to the dark arts is literally my job, at least this time we know what to expect! We just have to transport the death eaters from point A to point B as smoothly as possible, and even if they should try to break free, there’ll be four of them, and twelve of us - surely three aurors could take down one wandless death eater?”

Arthur remained quiet for a few seconds, causing his daughter to put her backpack on the floor, walk a few steps back down the stairs, and pull him in for a hug.

“Look, Dad, I know it’s not without risk, but… I’ve got to go. I don’t think the question any longer is if you-know-who is gonna take control of the ministry, but when, and once that time comes we have to be prepared for anything. The best we can do is make sure the most dangerous people are in a secure place, and well guarded. As much as I hate it, Azkaban is the safest bet, otherwise, they’ll all be back out on the streets, and everything we have worked for these past two years will have been for nothing. We’ll just have to hope that the dementors won’t switch sides. I’m sorry... I love you.”

It wasn’t only a long hug, but a long-awaited one as well.

“I love you too, darling, which is why I don’t want you to do this. I understand your reasoning but…”

“Dad? (y/n/n)? You’re home already?”

(y/n) looked over her dad’s shoulder and immediately walked into the arms of the person who had called her name - her older brother.

“Bill…”

He hugged his sister tightly and put his right hand comfortingly on the back of her head. She was shaking slightly, but Bill pulled her in even closer and put his head on top of hers. This was why (y/n) always tried to prepare, pack and leave quickly every time she was assigned a mission - that way she left no room for any nerves and could focus on the task at hand without getting too scared or anxious. Don’t get it wrong, she loved protecting others and knew it was an important job, but overthinking things just made her realize how much she had to lose. Being around her extremely caring family made that even worse.

“Shhh… (y/n), breathe, easy, you’re fine.”

“Yeah, I know, I know… It’s just, I don’t like thinking too much about it. I’m good, though, and I’ve missed you.”

“I know… ‘n I’ve missed you too. Hey, not that I’m not happy to see you, but why are you home? And awake?”

“Mum needed some help with the wedding preparations, and…”

Bill moved his gaze from his sister to his father, silently asking for a response.

“Your sister is leaving for work.”, said Arthur slowly. “It’s just not an easy decision. It’s not-”

“-It’s not safe.”. (y/n)'s gaze wandered nervously around the living room - her parents’ house still being one of the few places where she felt properly at home. She smiled slightly when she noticed a brown plush rabbit sitting on a shelf. It was her favourite toy when she was younger and had been her father’s before her. “Heck, it’s really, really dangerous, but it has to be done. I don’t have a choice, and as much as I would love to stay here with you, the longer I do the harder it becomes to leave.” She sighed. “But I have to go. Bill, will you please tell mum I’m sorry when she wakes?”

Bill looked at his sister, not really wanting to let her go, but understanding exactly how she felt. “Of course.” He grabbed the backpack and handed it to her before placing his hands firmly on her shoulders. “Stay safe, okay? Promise us that!”

“Bill-”

“(y/n/n)!”

“Stop it! You know I can’t promise something like that. I swear I’ll do my best, though.”

“Good. Then go, I’ll see you next week?”

(y/n) smiled. “Yeah, around lunchtime on Wednesday. Bye, Bill. Bye, dad.”

Arthur looked out the window and sighed sadly as his daughter disapparated. “I remember when I feared for her life because she kept climbing the big apple tree… Now I almost wish she was there, hanging on to one of the top branches, swinging back and forth.” He closed his eyes and leant against the wall behind him. “At least then I could see her. Make sure she didn’t fall.”

“I know, dad. But she’s not a kid anymore.”

“She’ll always be my kid.”

“She’ll always be short.”

“Bill!”

“Jokin’! C’mon, dad, let’s go have a cup of tea, yeh?”

————————

‘The plan is fool-proof!’ (y/n) coughed slightly and regretted her words as she was hit with yet another curse. The plan had been fool-proof… apart from the fact that someone at the ministry clearly had leaked information to the death eaters. The mission had relied on secrecy. It had been planned in secret and only the 12 aurors and a few ministry officials had known the details. Despite that, around 30 death eaters attacked as soon as the transport had left the city, and due to their numbers, the aurors barely stood a chance.

“Jackson, we need to get out of here as soon as possible! There’s no way we’ll be able to fight them all off.”

“You’re probably right, Weasley.”, he shouted while sending a death eater flying off his broom. “But how did this happen? We were so careful!?”

“Yeah, I don’t know.” (y/n) swiftly flew out of the way as a flash of green light almost touched her side. “But that doesn’t really matter right now. Wilson’s wounded, can you help him.”

“Sure.”

“And then get out before anyone’s killed.”

He frowned and nodded towards her. “You too.”

“Yeah, course. I’m just gonna try to take Dolohov down. I really don’t want him out and about again.”

The auror seemed to doubt his college’s decision for a second but was familiar with her family’s history with that particular death eater. “Fine, but be careful! I mean it, (y/n/n).” He looked straight into her eyes. “Don’t take any unnecessary risks!”

“Oh, you know me, Jacky. Careful planning, no risktaking.”

“Good. See you in the office tomorrow, then. Good luck.”

————————

(y/n) battled her way through a few death eaters and eventually found herself sneaking up on Dolohov.

“Expelliarmus.”

He turned around in surprise as his wand flew out of his hand.

“Incarcerus.”

Thick ropes bound the death eater, effectively preventing him from escaping. However, (y/n) was so focused on arresting the man who murdered two of her uncles that she completely missed someone approaching her from behind.

“Crucio”

She fell and dropped her wand as intense pain spread through her body. It was pain beyond anything she could ever have imagined. She unwillingly let out a scream as the pain intensified before suddenly lessening. Despite coughing and struggling, she tried to get back up on her feet but fell yet again as the same kind of agony, only a hundred times worse forced her to focus solely on not passing out.

“Well, well, well… We counted on a few random aurors to stand in our way, but who knew we’d stumble upon a blood traitor as well, huh?” The death eater, Augustus Rockwood, leant forward and spat on the ground, right by her face where she lay twitching in the mud. “How does it feel down there, Weasley? Feel at home?” He pulled (y/n) to her knees and Dolohov, who had managed to untangle himself from the rope, walked up to her and grabbed her face roughly. “Striking resemblance”, he whispered before letting her fall again. She fought to get up but failed due to the horrendous curse still causing her pain. Her eyes slowly closed as she passed out on the cold, hard ground.

————————

“Good morning, dears.”, said Molly, cheerfully entering the kitchen after having forced everybody to get up at first light. She had been under extreme stress lately but seemed to be in a much better mood today and the rest of the family knew why - (y/n) was coming home. Sure, that didn’t take away from the fact that the upcoming wedding meant a lot of hard work and careful planning, but having her oldest daughter home would at least help ease Mrs Weasley’s worry. “She’s not back yet, is she?”

“No, mum”, yawned Fred. “but-”

“She said she wouldn’t be back before lunch.”, finished George tiredly.

Their mother didn’t answer, but muttered something incoherent and went to prepare breakfast.

————————

Hours passed as the family worked to get everything ready, both for the wedding and for Harry’s birthday. Molly was so busy with preparations that she completely lost track of time, however, Fred & George started sharing worried glances around 10 am. Bill eventually noticed and had, a few hours later, become way too curious.

“Why do you two keep looking at the clock every other minute?”, he asked. “She said ‘lunch-time’, that could mean another 2-3 hours? Besides, it’s not like you to worry?”

“Well…it’s just…”

“Whenever (y/n/n) lets mum know when she thinks she’ll come home, she usually adds a few hours, sometimes an entire day.”

“That way, when she ends up being slightly late, mum doesn’t immediately lose it…”

“To be honest, we were kind of expecting her in time for breakfast, definitely before noon.”

Bill pulled his hand through his long hair (which he had not allowed his mother and her scissors to come close to) and glanced quickly out the window before looking back at his younger brothers. “Well, there’s not much we can do at the moment, is there? She’s smart and strong. Besides, it’s best not to get worried too easily, it’s probably just that dim-witted head of the department forcing her to work overtime.”

————————

(y/n) groaned loudly as she slowly pushed herself up. She felt dizzy, her entire body hurt and she had no idea where she was. Actually, scratch that last bit. Looking around, she realized she was in a field of some sort and could see burned parts of the now broken carriage they had used to transport the prisoners. Her hair was dripping wet due to the heavy rain and she was freezing. (y/n) struggled to stand and tried to determine roughly where they could have been when they were attacked. She knew that they had travelled northeast from London, towards Norwich, and that they probably hadn’t made it much further than Chelmsford. Her exact location didn’t really matter, though. It’s not like she could walk from London to Ottery St. Catchpole. That would take like two, maybe three, weeks in her current state - and that’s if she made it at all. No, she’d have to apparate, just not the entire distance in one go.

————————

“Bill, dear”, said Molly worriedly. “When did your sister say she’d be back from work?”

“I- I’m not sure”, Bill stuttered, as he sped down the stairs. “Around… dinnertime, I think?”

“What?”, asked Ron. “You said she said lunchtime!?”

Bill threw his head back and sighed as Fred kicked his younger brother under the table.

“Oh”, mumbled Ron, finally understanding. “Yeah, Bill’s right. She definitely said the evening.”

————————

But, dinnertime came and passed. Still no (y/n). When she still hadn't made it home a few days later, the Weasleys were forced to simply accept that something more serious had happened and just try to keep their hopes up. Molly, naturally, refused. Arthur had, while at work, done his very best to contact the other aurors that had been working that night, but unfortunately remained unsuccessful due to the now tense and strained situation at the ministry. Fleur had suggested delaying the wedding, but Bill insisted, claiming that this gave them even more of a reason to do it while they still had the chance. He could, however, barely stand the thought of not having one of his sisters there; it was difficult enough that Percy refused to come…

————————

She didn’t know how much time had passed, maybe a week, but eventually found herself slowly approaching her childhood home. After taking a few heavy steps, she stumbled slightly and would have tripped if not for two strong arms firmly grabbing her shoulders to keep her standing. She should probably be scared but somehow knew not to fight them.

“(y/n/n)!? Bloody hell, what in Merlin’s name happened to you?”

“Charlie?”, she gasped and grabbed her older brother’s coat as her legs suddenly gave out. “Is it really you?”

“Yeh, of course, it’s me.”, he put his sister’s arm over his shoulders. “(y/n/n), I literally just came home, where have you been? What happened? Who did this to you?”

“Work, attacked, Rockwood”

He looked her up and down with a pained expression on his face. “Okay, come on - let’s get indoors.”

They walked slowly, Charlie carefully making sure that (y/n) didn’t fall and simultaneously pepping her with questions. “How long have you been away? When were you supposed to get back to mum and dad’s?”

“Ehhh… I-I don’t know… A couple of days ago, maybe? It’s all kind of hazy right now, to be honest.”

“Holy Merlin… But wha-”

“Charlie, sorry”, she coughed slightly, “but would you mind if we wait? Mum and dad are going to want to hear everything and I don’t wanna have to relive it more times than needed…”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

He knocked carefully on the door, and it was only a matter of seconds before Arthur slowly opened it. He had his wand in a tight grip and was about to have Charlie confirm his identity when he noticed the state of the person standing next to his son. Their father’s eyes widened in shock and he looked absolutely horrified.

“Molly! Bill!!”

(y/n) hadn’t heard such fear in her father’s voice since Ginny had been taken into the chamber of secrets four years earlier. He swallowed deeply. “Come in, quickly.”

Charlie put his sister on the sofa just as their mother, older brother and the twins came running down the stairs. They all grinned happily when they saw Charlie, but the smiles faded almost instantly.

“(y/n/n)?” George effortlessly jumped over an old armchair and kneeled by the couch. “Are you okay?” He removed some blood from her face using the sleeve of his jumper.

She smiled and nodded weakly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t” *cough* “don’t worry. What happened to your ear?”.

Bill and Charlie embraced each other quickly while Molly joined George on the floor. The two oldest brothers both glanced at their sister. She lay so incredibly still; completely motionless save for her steady breathing. Just as those thoughts crossed his mind, Charlie noticed something and was about to point it out when Bill beat him to it.

The oldest brother had walked over to join his family by the sofa and placed a hand on his sister’s shoulder. “(y/n/n)? You’re twitching.”

“I know.” She sighed deeply. “It’ll pass, though.

He looked deep into her eyes and fought to keep eye contact when he whispered, “was it-”

“Yes”, she answered honestly. “But, Bill, I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s okay. Besides, it was way worse a few days ago… Speaking of which, what day is it?”

“Wednesday”, said Molly bitterly, obviously understanding the meaning of the words just exchanged between her oldest son and daughter, but deciding not to push it further. “10 days. 10 days, (y/n/n). Not a word?”

“I’m sorry, mum. Truly.” She then explained everything, from the detailed plan to the overwhelming defeat. “Imagine if we had taken them down instead?” She put her head in her hands and sighed sadly. “Imagine how many people will die now, because we let them all go.”

“Sweetie”, sighed Arthur, taking her hands in his. ”You didn’t ‘let them go’. You did everything you could.”

She closed her eyes sadly. “Not enough, dad.”

“(y/n/n)”, said Bill seriously. “You can’t think like that. We’re at war, we can’t go in expecting to keep everybody safe. There will be casualties. Some of the death eaters didn’t make it either. Think instead of all the people who will survive the war now thanks to you.”

“Bill, I know for a fact that Rockwood and Dolohov got away. We’re all…”, she glanced carefully at her mother. “All aware that they won’t hesitate to kill. A-”

“It’s not like they’re invincible now?”, Fred interrupted. “(y/n/n), you’ll get another chance. Just rest now, please. You’ll be back in the field in no time, and it’ll be like this never happened.”

“Sure, bu-”

“No!”, said Molly with a firm tone. “No buts! Fred is right, you need to rest, dear.” She kissed her daughter on her forehead and left the room. The others took that as a sign and left the room with a quick ‘sleep tight’ or ‘g’night’.

(y/n) Weasley tried to listen to her family and put this minor setback behind her. She managed it for a while. At least until that fateful day of the final battle between good and bad. The day when the consequences of her failure became clear. The day her younger brother lost his life because of her.

~ L

Masterlist

Mischief Managed

Nox

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radiant-reid · 3 years

Text

Perfection

It was the first time Y/n had slept in weeks. Thankfully, her job conditioned her to sleep an inadequate amount. But having a newborn was a whole new, difficult challenge.

Maisie Pippa Reid was proving difficult. Somehow Y/n and Spencer had managed to apprehend the most dangerous criminals in the United States but, they could not get their daughter to sleep.

She was only a few days old and proving a challenge for the new parents.

Much to Y/n's delight, Spencer had agreed to take the night shift so she could get some rest. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was out, sleep taking over.

When she woke up, it was 6 in the morning. Probably the first 7 hour night she'd gotten since her second trimester. She did think it was odd the apartment wasn't filled with baby screams.

Spencer and Y/n had been married for 5 years, and she trusted him with her life. She was also fully confident in his fathering abilities. But, she did assume she'd be waking up to screams.

So it was odd when she didn't. She got out of bed, straightening it out before taking a walk to the nursery.

Spencer had painted the whole thing, insisting on Y/n not smelling the paint fumes, despite knowing it was highly unlikely to hurt their baby. It was no surprise he was going to be protective, knowing all the facts about how babies could get hurt.

He had already read all the books he could get his hands on when JJ was pregnant. But he was extra protective with Y/n.

The room was lavender. He maintained it wasn't because of his own personal fondness for the colour. Y/n did believe the study that showed it relaxed children, but so did several other colours.

Still, it was perfect. The ideal nursey with the most well-built crib in the world. Built by Maisie's godfather, Derek Morgan, with her father's help to make sure it was safe.

Y/n could hear the soft Beethoven as she neared the room, careful to keep her movements quiet. While it was Spencer's favourite, he assured her Maisie needed to listen to it to promote the connection of her neurological pathways.

When she peered around the open door, there was a shirtless Spencer. He lay on the couch in the nursery. On his chest, a sleeping Maisie. Despite how slim he looked, he was quite muscular.

Still unaware of her presence, Spencer continued to caress the little girls face. His soft fingertips trailing from her forehead down to her nose and across her cheek.

"Hey, what's happening in here?" Y/n made her proximity known. Spencer looked up at her, the happiest smile on his face. Even on their wedding day, she wasn't sure she'd ever seen him so happy. Notably, because of how tired she presumed he was.

"Hi, love. We're doing some skin to skin contact." His voice was thick from not using it. "Look at her."

Y/n walked close to the father-daughter duo, admiring their little girls face. She knew every parent thought it, but Maisie really was the cutest baby she'd ever seen.

She couldn't help let Spencer know how she felt. "She's so beautiful."

He nodded quickly, looking up at his wife. "I just can't believe any of this is real."

"I know," She agreed. "I feel the exact same." They both fell silent as they admired the perfect little girl, who came from two imperfect parents.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Spencer asked, breaking the silence and looking up at Y/n.

She was sure she was. They had been together for 8 years there was no way she wouldn't be. "She's the most perfect baby in the world."

"Oh, good. I thought it was just me thinking it." Spencer said with a light chuckle. His chest moving up and down made the little girl fuss. "I know every parent thinks their baby is perfect, but she actually is flawless." That made Y/n let out a little giggle.

"She gets better every time I look at her, I think." Y/n mentioned, still not understanding how something so small could have her so whipped.

Spencer nodded, taking hold of Maisie's fingers. Y/n would never stop thinking about how good his hands looked, slender and veiny. "Look how small they are. They're just the most adorable thing ever." Y/n hadn't ever seen him this soft. Ready to give Maisie whatever she wanted.

"I think I like her nose," Y/n mentioned, leaning down to trace her finger over it. "'S just like yours. I hope it stays like that." She continued before running her finger over Spencer's perfect nose. He scrunched it under her fingertips, causing laughter to coarse through her.

Spencer's smile never came off his face, dimpling his cheeks as his wife traced over them. "Do you think she'll get my dimples as well?" He asked hopefully, moving his finger to her cheeks.

"I'm seriously hoping she does," Y/n confirmed. "Honestly, I hope she's 100% you." She couldn't help admire her husband. From the wrinkle in the middle of his eyebrow to his barely-there moustache and his sharp cheekbones, he was the definition of perfection.

"I'm not sure how I'm ever going to repay you," Spencer spoke honestly, his attention now on Y/n. "You've given me the best gift I've ever received, and I don't think... No, I know, there isn't anything I can ever do that will be as good as this." His words melted her heart, turning her to mush. Maybe two people had Y/n wrapped around their fingers.

"Spence." Y/n cooed, running her fingers through his coffee-coloured curls. "She's 50% you, well maybe more." She giggled.

Spencer shook his head, his smile fading. "I didn't do any of the hard work." He retaliated.

"Baby." Y/n sat down, so she was at Spencer's eye level. "You painted this whole room, read every single book you could find- I think you knew more than some of the doctors in there- found all the OBGYNs and have been there every step of the way. I don't think there's anyone else in the world that would go that far." That wasn't even 1/100th of the ways Spencer had helped Y/n throughout her pregnancy.

A soft smile lit up his face again, and she had never been more pleased to see it. "Still." He reached out to grab her hand. "Thank you."

Y/n smiled back at him and their perfect daughter. "I could just watch her forever."

Spencer agreed. "But, she is going to grow up." He reminded her somberly. If he had one wish, it would that they stayed in the moment forever. After all the bad he had witnessed, he never wanted the innocent child to see anything horrific.

"Don't remind me." Y/n playfully glared at him. "'Just always want to have a baby."

"I can do that for you, love." Spencer reminded her, a cheeky smirk now on his face.

"That is exactly the hard work I need you for," Y/n told him before she realised her mistaken words. "That's not what I meant." It didn't matter, Spencer was already laughing at the sexual innuendo.

Unfortunately, it woke up Maisie. She immediately started screaming. Spencer knew how it was possible, but he didn't understand how such a long sound could come from such small lunges.

Y/n picked her baby up off Spencer, walking her over to the chair to breastfeed.

"Can I stay?" Spencer asked hopefully. He enjoyed having his own skin-to-skin contact with the baby, but Maisie's connection with her mother would always be unique.

Y/n nodded. "As long as you're not cheeky." She sent him a pointed look which he just laughed off.

Both of them were still amazed about how perfect the moment was.

Tag list

@la-vie-en-amour1 @bingereid @measure-in-pain @archer561

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fangirlovestuff · 3 years

Text

Bad Day - Bucky Barnes x reader

a/n - hey lovely people!! this is for the amazing @animnerd ‘s 100 followers challenge!! give her all the love, she deserves it so much!!! this came out a little bit longer than a usual drabble, but i hope you enjoy<3

Summary: Bucky comforts you about your bad day, and also puts things into perspective:)

Word Count: 700

Warnings: one bad language word:)

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"You wouldn't believe the day I've had," you sighed, plopping down on the couch.

You had just gotten home from your job after a long day. It's been a long week, honestly. There was so much work to do, and you usually liked your work, but this week it was just so boring. Right now, all you wanted was to cuddle up with your super soldier boyfriend on the couch, watch a movie and fall asleep midway.

"Awww," he pouted in sympathy, "What happened?"

He gently lifted your head from where you were laying on the couch so he could sit down, returning your head to rest on his thighs and stroking your hair.

"It's just been such a long day," you whined, "Barbra wouldn't stop giving me shit today over the smallest stuff. We've been closing the paperwork this entire week and I know it's necessary but it's so boring could fall asleep right at my desk, which I almost have, countless times, but today was just a whole new level of focus on the grittiest, most annoying details. Ugh, at least the nightmare's finally over."

"Yeah, and now I get to have you all to myself," he grinned, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to your forehead, making you giggle.

You hummed in agreement. "But I'm warning you, there's a high chance I'm falling asleep. I'm so tired," you sighed, making him laugh and reassure you it'd be fine. "But what about you?" you asked, "How was your day? Your week? I feel like I've been so tormented by my own shit I didn't ask," you smiled timidly, your eyes locking with his.

"Oh, well," he shrugged. "Long. I got up at like 2 am."

"What?" you frowned, "why?"

Bucky usually got up before you, so you didn't think anything of it when you woke up to an empty bed this morning. But usually he'd go on a run, and be back only after you were already gone for work, although if you were running late you'd get to tell him good morning on your way out. Not get up at 2 am, after what, two hours of sleep?

"Yeah, I hoped my phone didn't wake you up. We got called on mission. They told us it was short, so I didn't wake you up to tell you, figured we'd talk about it today. It was supposed to be a couple of days, but turns out we got shitty intel. We were supposed to go in today, at night, but when we got there at the early hours of the morning turned out we needed to go pretty much immediately. Long story short, we got the bad guys, but we went in severely unprepared. Wilson nearly- Sam got himself shot in the arm. Anyways, Steve was pissed when we got back. You shoulda seen him, guy was as red as a tomato. Not for nothing though. Fury got a hell of a mouthful, and we all had to sit there and watch, since you can't exactly walk out of a room in the middle of that," he chuckled.

"Yeah," you scoffed. "Tell me about it. I once saw him yell at Tony for disappearing with a smoke bomb in the middle of a briefing. Very awkward. Although I would've loved to at least see Tony do that, instead of just being there for the aftermath."

"Oh yeah, I remember that," he laughed. "Anyways, only after Steve was done we got to go to the med bay. Sam's gonna be fine, but it was a close call."

"I can't believe I was complaining about my day," you facepalmed, embarrassed, "I feel so stupid.

"Awww," he smiled, taking your hands in his and getting them off your face. "It's fine," he mumbled, pressing kisses to your face between his words, "I like that you have a normal life, doll. Besides, you're cute when you pout."

You laughed, reaching your hand behind his neck and pulling him down for a tender kiss. You were so grateful you could have him in your life, to rant about your small problems and support you through the bigger ones. You were so lucky.

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tell me your thoughts!!! and again, happy 100 followers lovely @animnerd !! you deserve every single one and more, ily<3

Taglist: @horny-nd-bored @shannon124 @perfectlyharolds @wintersoldierslut @iceebabies @sleepingpapermouse @steverogerswasalwaysworthy @holtzkinnon @angelicl-y @stydia-4-ever @thatoneperson5000 @fangirlfree @kaitcordx25 @bequeening @steve-barry-damon-logan @itscrazycherryblossomcollection @hollandxmarvel @stargazingfangirl18 @readsreblogsfics @onetwo3000 @beritmetal @harrystylesholland @jazbot2000 @anobscurename @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @peggycarter-steverogers @evansphnx12 @starlightcrystalline @procrastinatingsapphictrash @imvivian @sleutherclaw @farzanam2004

if you wanna join / be removed from a taglist, comment/message me! much love <3

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes drabble #sebastian stan x reader

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vyeoh · 3 years

Note

this is your chance: wax poetic about an Empires or DSMP character of your choice to a fan who is new to both. Explain why I should love them. I need guidance in this new and meme-populated land.

okok this is a lot of pressure haha. Spoilers for EmpiresSMP and DreamSMP below, obviously. I wrote a lot so prepare yourself, anon

I watch a lot of empires POVs but the ones I most anticipate every week are Scott and Sausage.

c!Scott (I'll call him Smajor for the sake of simplicity) starts off the series chilling, not really getting involved with the rest of the server, and staying aggressively neutral. After all, he's an elf. He has lived far longer than most of the other rulers already, and will most likely outlive them for many years. So, the best thing is to stick to his mountains and not get invested in the dealings of mortal affairs, maybe sometimes causing problems on purpose and dipping because what's life without a little spice right.

But then, this demon comes to the server, Xornoth. He's going around causing havoc and wants to send the world into an eternal winter, but he doesn't bother the kingdom of Rivendell much so Smajor stays tentatively cautious but ultimately unbothered. But then, the puzzle pieces start falling together. The first thing that the audience noticed was was Xornoth sounded like Smajor, but we mostly thought that this was just due to cc!Scott voicing both of them and there was nothing more to it. However, then, the people the demon starts possessing start chanting in elvish. The demon hates mortals, and the elves are conveniently one of the two confirmed not fully mortal races in Empires.

This culminates when Smajor stumbles across a cave that contains the backstory of the patron god of Rivendell, Aeor. Basically, there's two opposing forces, Aeor and Exor, and both have a champion. In a previous life, those champions were two brothers, where Aeor eventually prevailed and banished Exor. In this life though, the champions are - you guessed it - Smajor, and the demon Xornoth.

So now Smajor is like. Well fuck. It's my literal god-given destiny to be responsible for defeating this demon who is technically my brother, and if I fail the server gets plunged into an eternal winter. And I have no fucking clue what is happening because I've just been here on this mountain actively trying to stay out of the issues outside my kingdom. We watch him panic and teeter on the verge of spiraling for an entire episode, and when the followers of Xornoth go to the End to kill the dragon, releasing Xornoth's full powers, he fails to stop him. Smajor is a character who was used to being the smart one, the prepared one, the one who has the least deaths on the server. But he's also a character who runs away from his problems and ignores them. Before and during the dragon fight, we hear the desperation in his voice, as he's thrown into a situation he is wholly unprepared for, and it's bigger than him going to the Cod Empire to kill their king, or assisting in other people's plans to kill the codfather. He can't run from this. cc!Scott plays this scene so well as well, as I've said before, one of the best parts of Scott's acting is how he's never super dramatic, but he's so effective in the little things like inflection to make you feel, viscerally, the panic and dread.

So after the dragon fight, Smajor realizes, I can't do this on my own. I've tried and failed. So he gets allies. We watch him, someone who has so strongly been an isolationist, learn the benefits of allies and watch him learn to trust others and watch him learn how to get that trust in return.

My favorite thing about Smajor's characterization is that he's an incompetent protagonist, but not in the way of the "plucky young adventurer". He's capable skill-wise, and fairly jaded and very pessimistic. However, his issue is that up until recently, he did not care about the rest of the server at all, and by the time he learned to, it was way too late.

Also, in 3rd Life, cc!Scott and cc!Jimmy were canonically married and they reference it sometimes in Empires. Like, Scott goes over to the Cod Empire every so often both in and out of character to kill and/or flirt with Jimmy, the ruler of the Cod Empire, which may develop as a secondary plot into the future who knows. So ty Scott for giving the gays what they want o7

Now onto Sausage: his is a story of Icarus, his hubris and ambition being his downfall. He's one of the two followers of Xornoth, who promised him endless power in exchange for his servitude. He started the series being eccentric, but not outright unhinged, but slowly gets more and more extreme as the series progresses, as he gets brought more and more to Xornoth's side.

One of the best parts of Sausage's character, in my opinion, is how his gradual corruption affects the people around him. Initially, he got into a conflict with the Cod Empire and was allied with two other people in the Witherrose alliance. They were allies, but also close friends. The fandom liked to joke that the three had sibling energy, and I'm pretty sure the ccs played to that even more lol.

It was painful to watch the other two members, Gem and fWhip, watch Sausage get corrupted right in front of them, and see them desperately clinging on to this old idea of Sausage in their head because if they faced the truth, it would mean that their friend was gone. Eventually, they do finally cut him out of the alliance, leading him to fully commit to the side of the demon. Sausage felt very clearly betrayed by this, and declared the remaining two Witherrose alliance members to be enemies.

He gets more and more possessed, and we even see the other Empires, his enemies even, slowly realize that something is very wrong with the ruler of Mythland. He starts doing more and more evil things, like killing people more, making sacrifices to the demon, and eventually helping to kill the dragon to free Xornoth. So things are good for Sausage, for a bit. He won, and is more powerful than ever. Then he finds out: he's going to die. Xornoth's possession is slowly killing his soul, and eventually, his body going to be fully taken over and he himself is going to be trapped in the spirit realm. So how do you react to this? Over the next few episodes, we watch Sausage struggle between "the demon is literally killing me" and "the demon has given me so much, and I love it", all while Xornoth takes over more and more of him. We hear him exclaim that "don't worry!! I'm still about 15% there!" while trying to downplay every time Xornoth completely takes over his body. We watch him willingly oppose anyone who is trying to end the thing that is killing him.

My favorite thing about Sausage is that he is undoubtedly evil and proud of it, but he's also undoubtedly human. If you like to watch evil characters go absolutely feral, he's the guy for you. He makes the deal with Xornoth in the beginning, knowing and fully embracing the evilness of the demon, but at the same time he knows what he's doing is detrimental to both himself and everyone around him, but he's gotten in way too deep at this point, and to be fair the demon has held up its end fo the bargain, right?

Also, I would be damned if I don't talk about cc!Sausage's editing. Every one of his videos is like a movie. The way he does camera angles and uses music is so skillful- every lore scene feels like something out of a high fantasy action saga (think: LotR). Every big lore event I always wait in anticipation for Sausage's ep because his editing truly takes lore to another level.

I'm just generally very excited to see where this series goes. Empires is such a good mix of talented builders and good lore. Part of the reason why the series is so immersive for me, beyond any other lore smp, is that they have the settings to back it up. There is a certain charm to the DreamSMP's objectively terrible builds (with a few exceptions) but in Empires, the settings help sell the plot so much.

Another part of why I love EmpiresSMP is how much the ccs are involved with the fan community. I'm sure you've seen the memes about Scott being on tumblr, and Sausage regularly goes through the EmpiresSMP fanart tag on Twitter and likes art, even ones not related to Mythland. Most of the ccs, in fact, have brought up tumblr content on stream at some point or another. Like, several ccs have said that they read tumblr lore theories and hcs and stuff and sometimes take inspiration from them. Fun fact: Rivendell's church was inspired by my pinned drawing; confirmed by Scott Smajor himself. It's just such a good cycle of ccs and fans being excited about each other.

As for DreamSMP, I'm gonna be honest here, the only person I really am invested in in Technoblade. I started watching when he joined the server, and he's the only person whose lore I keep up to date with.

Techno's fun to watch because he's like the Deadpool of DreamSMP. Virtually unkillable, very skilled and scary, but consistently cracks jokes and breaks the 4th wall during plot. His POV is just fun. Like, he does wild plans and gives speeches and some of the stuff that happens to him should be called deus ex machine if it wasn't for the fact that Technoblade is the one who's doing it, and all the stuff is grounded in the fact that cc!Techno is just that good at the game.

However, the fact that he rarely takes anything seriously makes the few times Techno is 100% serious so much more impactful. His whole character has a basis in being perceived as inhuman and being treated as such, and therefore in return trying to hide his humanity. So, when he shows that humanity, whether that's fear, anger, or genuine love for his friends, it really makes you go "oh shit."

Techno's often said not to have character development, but I'd argue that while he remains steadfast in his moral code, he develops leaps and bounds as a person. Like, at the beginning, he's brought onto the server to help Wilbur and Tommy overthrow a government; them knowing he's 1) an anarchist and 2) very very powerful. His character was more of a plot device at that point and was treated as such in the canon. Wilbur and Tommy straight-up lie to him about their plans to establish another government after they overthrow the current one, while he was led on to believe that they were abolishing all governments in the area. But he isn't a plot device. He's a person, as much as he only shows the terrifying, blood god side of himself.

After the establishment of New Lmanburg (the new government its a long story), his friend Phil joins. And for the first time, we see him be fully human with someone and we see someone treat him like a human. Like, we saw glimpses before, with Wilbur and Tommy in Pogtopia, but Phil is the first person we noticeably see he trusts 100%. Then Doomsday happens, and Techno essentially retires to the tundra. During this time, we see Techno learn to be more human, first with Ranboo, then Niki when he establishes the Syndicate. In fact, the two of them, along with Phil, canonically throw him a birthday party, which is a far cry from his treatment in Pogtopia.

Techno's development is one of a god learning to be human, and I just think he <3

#vio.ask #empiressmp #empires smp #dreamsmp #scott smajor #smajor #smajor1995 #mythicalsausage #mythical sausage #technoblade #to be clear i am not an apologist for any character #i fully realize that they are doing wrong and I like to watch it happen #minecraft roleplay got be in full character analysis mode #long post

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awheckery · 3 years

Text

so. uh.

cut for frank discussion of chronic illness and the serious failures of the american healthcare system. tw for fatphobia and gaslighting.

Last July, I got sick. It wasn’t too bad at first: some fatigue, body aches and a slightly elevated temp, until suddenly it was bad and I wound up in the ER. It took three rounds of steroids, a round of antibiotics and a more powerful inhaler to get my feet back under me, but I never fully recovered.

I didn’t talk about it here, except for answering an ask in October and blaming my lack of creative output on depression. It really, really wasn’t depression; it was my health progressively collapsing, one system after another until the avalanche of symptoms that flattened me just after New Year’s.

For the last four months, I’ve spiked a fever over 100°F nearly every single day. My joints hurt. My knuckles are knobbly and swollen, and occasionally my fingers are so painful and weak I’ve had to literally tape my pen to my hand at work. I get rashes at random that itch so badly I claw myself bloody. I overheat and have hot flashes in temperate rooms. The skin on my face and neck and shoulders turns red and hot to the touch, like I’m burning for hours with no immediately discernible provocation.

Some days, I wake up and I don’t have the strength to get out of bed. Some days I can’t wake up at all. I’ve slept through deafening alarms for hours, long enough for my phone battery to run out and die. I can only stand up for ten minutes a day without being hobbled by the effort, and every extra minute beyond that I pay for in hours spent bedbound by exhaustion and pain.

I keep losing words. I’ll arrive at the middle of a sentence and stumble to a halt, because the word I need isn’t there. It’s not true aphasia, and it’s not all the time. I comprehend written and verbal communication perfectly well, but I can’t get my own thoughts out without tripping over them.

I am, to quote a friend attending school to be a nurse practitioner, “a textbook case for SLE,” and I agree, but somehow I can’t pay a doctor to treat me seriously.

In January, I was referred to a rheumatologist after the bloodwork my PCP ordered indicated I had autoimmune activity of some kind.

To date, that’s my only test for anything that’s come out definitively positive for any kind of disease state at all. Ever. I tested negative for celiac disease on a technicality nine years ago, despite how specifically and intensely sick gluten makes me, so I was dismayed but not too surprised when follow-up bloodwork for lupus came back just barely inside the range of “normal.” Despite that, I wasn’t prepared to be jerked around as much as I have been.

The first rheumatologist I saw, back at the end of January, had barely been in the exam room for thirty seconds when I could see he’d already made up his mind about me. He was dismissive and perfunctory and condescending when he told me that “plenty of perfectly healthy people have positive ANA results,” and he referred me back to my PCP for an exercise program and antidepressants to treat my “fibromyalgia.”

Putting aside that I’m not a “perfectly healthy person,” I’m a Fat Lady living in America, and I’ve experienced medical fatphobia for decades at this point. You learn the key words and phrases pretty quickly, and “exercise program” has never not been a euphemism for “weight loss.” (Which is heavily ironic in this particular situation, because before I was Fat, I walked 2-3 miles a day for funsies and spent 15-20 hours in the gym every week. I only stopped because I somehow shredded both my ACLs in one summer. I’d love to get back to that if a rheumatologist could help me figure out how to be active and uninjured at the same time.)

I was frustrated after that first appointment, enough to request a referral to one of the best teaching hospitals in the country. Why not go to the best, right? There was a five month wait for an appointment, but I am stubborn, and I made use of the time by documenting every bullshit symptom my body threw at me. I have a daily symptom journal, full of subjective entries like my pain and fatigue levels, as well as objective entries like daily temperature changes and photos of my rashes and my burning face and my goddamn mouth ulcers.

I thought I had enough logged to be impossible to ignore, and then I saw the second rheumatologist three weeks ago, and the first sentence out of her mouth was the beginning of an interrogation on my blood pressure, and whether I was taking medication or if I was on a fucking exercise program for it. I tried to get the appointment back on track by sharing my symptom diary, and she turned back to my just-under-the-wire test results, and told me, “many healthy people have positive ANA results, it doesn’t mean anything without other positive test results for specific conditions.”

I said, “Healthy people don’t run a fever for months.”

And then she told me that a "fever is not associated with any of the conditions a rheumatologist treats." I was so startled by the confidence and authority with which she stated the lie that I was unable to speak to rouse a defense or contribute anything else for the rest of the appointment. After an insultingly brief examination, in which I never took my face mask off and she declined to look at any of my photos, she said that she “didn’t see anything that could be rheumatologically wrong with me.”

I asked her what she thought could be wrong with me, and she grudgingly admitted it��s possible, though rare to have an autoimmune disease and test negative for everything, so she would order more tests and refer me to appropriate specialists for my various symptoms. She ordered a referral to an infectious disease specialist for my fevers, and a referral to a dermatologist for my “rosacea” (that she’s assuming I have, because I would like to again note she did not see it, at no point did she actually look at my face or a photo of it), and a referral to an ENT for a salivary gland biopsy for my dry mouth, and a referral to a neurologist for my “stroke-like” memory and speech problems.

It was, all told, an unbearably shitty appointment. I cried in my car for an hour in the hospital parking garage so I wouldn’t do anything impulsive like lying down in traffic, and then I went home, cried some more, and went to bed for three days.

On the fourth day, I woke up enraged. It’s one thing to be blown off by a doctor when you’re just reporting symptoms without proof, it’s a wholly different thing for a doctor to ignore your proof and lie about diagnostic criteria to your face.

It’s hard enough not to think you’re crazy when your test results come back negative over and over; it’s that much harder after being told that your major concrete measurable symptom is diagnostically irrelevant, when it really, really isn’t.

(for the record, just going off the symptoms I can concretely prove I’ve experienced in the last week alone, I land a 16 on this chart, which is the most up-to-date, widely agreed-upon diagnostic criteria)

I have decided, for the moment, to play ball. I don’t have the energy to jump through all the hoops this rheumatologist wants, but I'm angry enough to drag myself through them. Tomorrow I’m supposed to see the infectious diseases specialist. On Wednesday I see the dermatologist. In two weeks I see the ENT, and I’ve got a neurology appointment tentatively scheduled for December.

I’m going to be blisteringly forthright with all of these doctors about why I’m there, and that I’m looking to exclude diagnoses other than the lupus I pretty obviously have. (Except with the ENT. Apparently they treat allergies, and I’d like to be able to go outside long enough to walk a dog, someday.)

I’m supposed to see this rheumatologist again at the end of November. Depending on how this week’s appointments go, I’m aiming to either move up my appointment with her when one becomes available, or just send a firm yet diplomatic email asking why the diagnostic criteria apply to everyone but me.

If anybody else has gotten through this fucking nightmare successfully, I’m open to suggestions, it’s not like it can get worse at this point.

#long post #sufferpunk life #chronic illness #chronic pain #sle #lupus #aka why I've gotten nothing interesting or creative done since last year #fml

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