#I’ve been out 10 years but this has renewed something within me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wafflesetc · 2 years

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I am utterly heartbroken. I don’t really know what else to say. Do you all remember Hermoine’s bag that she was able to pull everything out of? That’s what I feel like- a huge bag of a mixture of so many different emotions.

(This post may be all over the place, so I apologize for that).

On one level, I can only wish the best for Jesse. Truly, as a long time CPD fan- even an Upstead fan... I just hope that with whatever the circumstances were, that on some level, he’s at peace with the decision. Regarding whether or not it was his decision or if he was forced out like Kelli Giddish from SVU, I am not sure. While I have my own thoughts about it, per how JLS has talked about the show and whatnot, I definitely lean one way over the other, but at the end of the day, unless someone comes out and gives us any indication on which way the pendulum swings, we may never get an answer. Which trust me, that not knowing is a hard pill to swallow. It may be one of the hardest, given how much we know JSL enjoyed not only Jay Halstead, but Upstead, Chicago, the cast and crew.

It feels like a punch to the gut, and it is. I will say this, one news article dropping the bomb at 10:30EST on a Monday night is a little weird. (Not the normal time to drop some kind of important annoucement??)

It’s not a normal news syndicate time, so they were definitely trying to get the news out there, or at least someone was so we wouldn’t even be blindsided by it. (Even though the irony is we were blindsided.) (I think they were trying to soften the blow... Just get it out there and hope it gets swept under the rug quickly.) I won’t be shocked if we get a new promo with footage within the next few days.

I’ve had my fair share of fan favorites departing from a series, but I will tell you... There is something about this one that just doesn’t sit right. Which makes me extremely nervous for how they are going to handle his departure.

I know we are not usually privy to the behind the scenes discussions on contract negotiations. We usually only hear when the show has been renewed for x amount of seasons, and then we usually hear if a character has renewed their contract or if they haven’t.

I don’t know what the stance of his contract was- was it good through season 10, was it only good through 9 and they were in negotiations and some sort of agreement couldn’t be reached by both parties.

For the time being, these are the type of details we have to be okay with not knowing.

I know we only see a small glimpse into JLS’s life and who he is- but from what we know from him, from other people, and how he has talked about this show… He is proud. He put his heart, sweat, and blood into playing Jay Halstead. He loves that character. I’ll reiterate that to note that I kept it in the present tense- he loves that character.

I find a small piece of comfort in that. Regardless of the circumstances which led to his leaving, he loves Jay. He’s proud of the work that he poured into the character… It’s obvious because look at how much of a fan favorite that he is.

I do think, that somewhere along the line, this was more of an unexpected departure than it was a prepared one. I say that because look at the development they have poured into Jay over the last ten years.

“One day this unit is going to be yours.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Hailey. Really, I’m not.”

“Where you go, I go.”

“I want to start my marriage with the woman that I love out of prison.”

These type of sentences and quotes are laid out in a show, in a relationship between two main characters, for no reason. I think they/he were planning on a long haul for Jay. I don’t think you can convince me of that otherwise… Especially, as stated above, how Jesse talked bout the the cast, crew, his love for Chicago, etc. I do know things go on BTS that we will never be privy to, but the joy he had surrounding the job wasn’t something that was fake to me. He truly loved this gig.

What scares me the most is how they might go about his departure. I think it’s going to be one of four ways (@agent-bash had a very similar post about this too):

He gets a transfer and/or a promotion. Obviously Voight isn’t going anywhere, and after the moral compass debacle that Hailey and Jay were on last year, I could see them using this as a way to put Jay as a Sargeant elsewhere in the CPD. This would allow for Upstead to remain together and have the off screen romance continue. (Also leave the door open for him to return in future episodes..

On the job injury- it’s been alluded to in the past with Mouse back in the early seasons, had a medical discharge from the military. I could see him getting shot to protect Hailey, try to protect another victim, someone and the gunshot injuring him in a capacity that he’d never be able to be fully back in the field. Like Trudy… Which would then allow him to be transferred somewhere else out of Intelligence.

Re-enlistment and/or some sort of military contractor offer. While I don’t necessarily see this as a superbly viable option, given how we know Jay has talked so little about his time in the Army… I could see them opening the door for this to allow him to stay with Hailey and write the off screen romance. I just don’t think his character would be super open to going back to the military, especially as an active duty person, given how he responded to the idea when Mouse wanted to go back to the military.

Killing him— sadly, this one is up there and I feel like they could swindle this one. This one though, is the one that scares me the most.

In reference to number 4: Killing Jay would literally ruin not only his character and character development… But it would absolutely destroy Hailey Upton.

Hailey lost Garrett. She barely got closure for that in 5x18… And it nearly destroyed her.

Hailey almost lost Jay in 6x02 when he went off to avenge the death of his father. She nearly spiraled when she saw him lying on the ground, covered in blood.

She almost lost Jay again in 7x09/7x10. We saw her distraught in the hospital- and then again in the bullpen when she threw that coffee mug because it was taking a while for the son to come up so they could use him against his father.

And then she almost lost Jay again with the whole Roy scenario— she was scared he was going to leave her because of a choice that she made.

“I’ve trusted you since the day I met you.”

“I’d follow you blind.”

“We’re always going to be good.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Hailey. Really I’m not.”

“Where you go, I go.”

“It’s a thing that works between us.”

They literally have laid such a strong foundation for Jay and Hailey, that they are…. At least to me, integral to one another.

IF they kill Jay off- I don’t really see how Hailey is going to survive that. I mean… She won’t- will not- survive Jay Halstead’s death. I mean, having to bury him- put him in the ground… I just… No. There is no plausible universe in which (even with JSL departing) killing Jay off would make sense. Especially for her character development. Jay is integral to keeping Hailey grounded, rooted in normalcy, rooted in a home— he’s changed her. His death would break her in ways that would be irreparable.

And also- killing him would undo all of the work they laid for his character and development growth over the past ten years. It would make 0 sense. (The hard part about it is that it sadly is usually the easy route to get rid of a character is to kill them off in some form or fashion.)

Additionally… If they go the divorce route… I just can’t fathom what would actually come between them where it would come to the resolution of them getting divorced. I mean, truly… It would be so OOC for both of them, after the years of pining and the slow burn- it wouldn’t make sense to end them like that. Especially after both of their backgrounds, them taking that step- to be together forever- they both meant it, they both wanted it. They both were in it for the long haul, for forever.

This is a hard thing to grieve and process.

On one hand, with whatever the decision was, why it was made, etc... Part of me hopes Jesse is at peace with it. (Or at peace with it the best he can be.) I truly wish nothing but the best for Jesse, and if this is the best thing for him- then so be it… Conversely, it’s OK to want things for your ship(s) and characters, one you’ve loved so dearly for a long time… Which has been the case of Jay Halstead and Hailey Upton. Ten years for Halstead, half a decade for Upstead. These are long years, where as people you’ve all seen and grown, and gone through things. You’re not just processing the character leaving- you’re processing all that has also happened to you- the friends you’ve made, the memories you have with these characters, the feelings you’ve thrown into this show, etc, that are tied into this show... They are tied into you. You’re grieving all of that, not just the loss of a beloved character.

So remember, through this, be gentle with yourself. With others. We all grieve and process differently.

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve or process this information. Take it day by day.

I don’t know how to end this, because it’s all still so fresh.

I can only hope that the writers remember the work that they have laid out the past few years, the foundation of which their characters were rooted in, the foundation and stronghold these two characters share together, and honor that in an exit that makes Jay Halstead the good, honorable man that the is. Truly, the ball is in their court with is this, and I hope they do him justice.

#Upstead #Chicago PD #Jay Halstead #Jesse Lee Soffer #Hailey Upton #Jay x Hailey #One Chicago

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dangerous-advantage · 10 months

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(yagi-no-eda here~)

Totally would circle back /pos. I’m also pretty new to the fandom!

My wife has liked Usagi Yojimbo and associated stuff for years but it’s only this summer that my brain has allowed me to really get into it, and make it past the first 2-3 comics. Not for lack of trying - it was just never the right time in an ADHD way*. Something always would distract me. I’ve inhaled all the comics I can in just the last couple of months and yeah, Stan came at me with a steel chair too. I did not expect …this whole situation. I’ve been a fandom lurker since 1999 and yet suddenly I have blog I use near daily, a sketchbook, and bunch of fic WIPS...

Mainly because I am Unwell over UY.

I have accepted my fate. This is always going to be a Thing now.

Though I did admittedly also inhale TMNT 2003 and Rise.

Travels with Jotaro is one of my favourite volumes, but I’m also weirdly into Bridge of Death rn and just….in general having a moment over Usagi’s time with Mifune. To the point I’m doodling intros for a fake show called The Mifune Years. He had this whole expected future and friends - denied.

* to be fair this is also the summer I found out its def ADHD driving this media analysis machine I call a brain

Hope this was an okay way to get back to you! /lil anxious

Feel free to network (or share thoughts) in my tags anytime, I love hearing what other people think. Also happy to chat anytime. Or feel free to tell me to back off and that's chill too :)

(been waiting to answer this for when i had more time but gave in; should be working on my fic(s) but you know how it is lmao. stay tuned for a very long post, because i love talking about things with people, especially things i like haha

very cool to see another person very passionate about this series! i grew up on 2003 (and the 90's movies-- my parents had the third one on cassette and i remember i wore that fucker out lmao) but it was always more of a "scattered interest" rather than something i was fully pulled into

i started getting into rise (read: The Algorithm came for me) probably mid-July of last year, but didn't fully fall into it until after the movie came out. it renewed my interest in tmnt overall, and i've been here ever since!

i did attempt to watch the usagi chronicles a couple of times, and i remember thinking they were fun but not really my thing. (i definitely want to revisit it, even though i know it won't hold a candle to usagi yojimbo. it does look fun in a silly way, which i can get behind.)

i knew vaguely about how big usagi yojimbo was, and that it was a commitment, but i'm surprised how quickly it sucked me in. i've never been super interested in stuff within the genre, but damn if it doesn't satisfy the autism. entire chapters devoted to infodumping about the edo period of japan? sign me the fuck up!

i especially did not expect how much it would make me feel. like. wow. ouch. usagi is just Some Guy but he is also so well characterized and you really feel for his internal conflict, 10/10.

i've been looking for series with older protagonists, especially those more focused on the familial/platonic aspect rather than romantic (i am just an nd queer on the interweb, can you blame me for yearning for found family?), but hadn't found any i really liked other than the tarot sequence by kd edwards (very good read, would highly recommend.)

also not to be a nerd but ohhhh my god i am so obsessed with the plot with mifune.

like i know the series takes place after that, and after the fallout of that, but just. wow. imagine devoting your entire being to another, to the point where you would readily die for them and their word, and then they die. they die, and you did everything you could to honor them in that death, but they're still gone.

like... that emptiness stays with you. you don't just get over that. maybe it's the "being raised in a cult" but wow, do i empathize with that.

idk if we explore more about the fallout/exact history with mifune/immediately following mifune's death but there is so much writing potential there. if i was not embroiled within turtle hell and 50,000 words deep in a multi-chapter fic already, i would absolutely write something for it.

like. this is adjacent to your interest in the topic, but can you just imagine (/rhetorical /general you.) as far as we know, he spent five days on the battlefield before he made it out to the tangled skein.

(which is one of my favorite additions like good god holy shit. that is so cool and angsty. your lord, days after dying, appears as a fucking ghost and saves you. like, if i were to be silly and funky, i would absolutely headcanon that as the reason that he was able to stand up and continue on. because i mean... what else? what else could motivate you to stand up once more after something like that?)

(well. honor. but mifune is the physical manifestation of honor in the narrative, so same difference? it's like both thematically significant and emotionally significant and-- ok im shutting up now. but i could talk for days, istg.)

but like. how do you reconstruct yourself from that? we see him holding tight to this sense of honor, even after his lord is gone, sent reeling (adrift in the waves) with only his soul and moral compass to hold to.

which makes it hurt so much more when we see these ideals of honor-- this ghost of a man, of a life, still haunting him years after the event-- still woven through the narrative, made to specifically conflict his deepest wants.

i joke about it a lot on my fic discord (i have a whole channel called 'father-material' devoted to just pictures of him hanging out with/taking care of kids), but something that seems very important to him is wanting to be a father figure, and wanting these connections to family and friends.

but that is contrasted against these ideas of honor, the very thing he built and rebuilt his foundation off of after it was torn away from him. and it's just so incredibly painful but also it makes sense, because he can't just give up the side of himself that is a samurai. too much of his person, his characterization, is built off of this.

to see it constantly clash with this want to settle down and finally rest, devote himself to his relationships/family rather than the code of bushido-- the very essence of honor itself-- ourgh ourgh ourgh its so good

(put aside the fact that he once said he could never serve another lord, and we know from the story that the idea of a "lord" can be more than just a person... he never stopped serving mifune, not truly. he still upholds the ideas of honor that mifune stood for/represented. as if his lord never truly left him.)

...i was going to say more, but then i realized this turned into a whole-ass mini-analysis, so i'm forcing myself to stfu. but basically: i have feelings about this series, man (/gender neutral).

anyway. if you ever do put something together, i would love to read/follow it! if i ever wrote something, it would probably be exploring the direct fallout of losing mifune, so hey, different niches but similar (:

also: never be anxious about talking to me ever in any way possible. i will probably be even more annoying than you in tags/asks/everything under the sun, and i do genuinely love talking to people who share my interests (typically about those interests.) i like to pretend i am an internet Cool Guy, however, it is a flimsy veneer to hide all the cringefail swaglessness and unending mental illness about my blorbos

(...i am so tempted to just invite you to my og turtle discord server so i can annoy you about usagi on the regular. also about what my reimagining of yuichi would be, because i have so, so many ideas.

i will refrain, but if you would be interested, it has been kinda dead as of late, so it would be nice to enrich the ecosystem a little by slowly collecting other usagi-interested individuals and slowly taking it over, one by one (/j /lh).)

anyway, same thing goes for me with my posts/asks/reblogs/messages/whatever. i am so very earnest, so if that puts you off, that's very chill and fine. however, as long as you're down to vibe, i am similarly down to vibe >:D

i once more apologize for this monstrosity of a reply. i would say it won't happen again, but my reading comprehension apparently does not extend to the "all things in moderation" maxim. instead i choose maximalism (to the max)

(sorry for that joke. yeah that will also happen again. sorry. /lh /pos)

#confessionals #i love my moots #many-wings #@many-wings #usagi yojimbo #uy #miyamoto usagi #long post #tw long post #thank you for the ask!!#i could talk about this stuff forever haha #also congrats on the realization/diagnosis!!#(:#i hope this was all coherent #(i am a bit mentally unwell about this series if you somehow couldn't tell /lh)#you do not know how much i have wanted to scream about this to someone. you *do not know.* /pos #i love all my moots but they are not aware of how much space uy takes up in my brain constantly all the time #usagi yojimbo analysis #miyamoto usagi analysis #(feel like i should tag it as that haha)#i know i know i know i should be working on 'it was futile' but this has inspired me to do that quick uy analysis post i was thinking about #so look out for that (usagi be upon ye)#oh hey that's a good uy tag. mine now #usagi be upon ye #also you reminded me i wanted to make an uy sideblog. i never make side blogs but very few of my moots are into uy as well #so i might as well contain it elsewhere /lh #the name i wanted is gone but it's fine i can work with it

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yjwhatif · 2 years

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How are you feeling about the young justice news? I’m lowkey in denial about it and trying to hold on some form of hope.

Well…

It all kinda sucks to be honest - though I am of the mind that there always a chance until they officially say there isn’t… which maybe also puts me in the denial column - but that’s what I’m going with 👍. Clearly there’s a lot going down with hbo max and Warner bros. (a lot that I’m not even gonna try and comprehend) but from what I heard, hbo max is getting merged with discovery plus to make a new streaming site - which to me meant there was probably no chance of any kind of renewal information for anything until TPTB got at least some of their shit sorted out with this restructuring malarkey. Guess I’m not absolutely losing it at the minute because I wasn’t really expecting to hear any good news for the time being - I’m just sorta seeing what happens.

One thing I will say about hbo max and its content is that they really need to do something about the fact that it’s not available outside the US. They have been denying so many people the opportunity to actually financially support the content they love - which makes absolutely no sense to me. I am someone who can’t access hbo max and therefore has had to find other means of watching this show that I absolutely love and want to follow along with the rest of the fandom - all because hbo max won’t let me give them my money… MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!! Now, the problem with using those other means is that it don’t help the show - I’m not paying to watch it as is intended - therefore TPTB can’t see my continued support because I haven’t gone through the official streaming site where those numbers are tracked. I want to support this show - I want to invest my money in supporting this show - but I can’t* - which totally sucks - and I know I keep repeating myself here - but it’s all so stupid!!!!

*except, that is, with the comics which I am buying both the digital and physical print versions of - so at least there that now… and I will be buying s4 when (if) it’s available for purchase elsewhere like S3 was… but is that enough? Probably not with the way things are going at the minute.

The other thing I keep thinking about with the information I’ve heard is that, the dude in charge basically wants to fix the dc cinematic universe so it’s more like the mcu with an actual 10 year plan and feels like y’know the actual comics universe brought to the screen… and I’m just like - you mean like what Greg and Brandon have been doing with young justice since day one?! Whether you like the stories they tell, or not, I don’t think anyone can deny that there’s an immense about of depth to this shows universe - it feels real and lived in - there’s history upon history that exists within it and it’s all so fascinating as I just want to know everything about everyone! I stand by my belief that nothing has ever captured and maintained my attention quite like YJ. I’m obsessed and I don’t even care because it is such a remarkable piece of creative construction that deserves to be explored and analysed and obsessed over. It doesn’t just copy and paste things straight from the comics or do the same things everyone does with the characters - grandon think and reconstruct and adapt things to make them concise and interconnected for the story the want to tell… and a hell of a lot less problematic in some cases! The characters have emotions and complexities and flaws and hopes and fears and histories - yj can put a character on the screen for 5 minutes and have me hooked on them - or they can have 5+ hours worth of exploration and development and I can write post after post after post with my current interpretations and understanding of their character as if they were a real living person. I love this show because there is love put into every aspect of it - and that is always something worth protecting and supporting!

I realise this has gotten kinda long (as usual) but what can I say, I don’t have anyone in my life to rant about these things to… I genuinely tried doing that today and all I got were cricket sounds… which is why, no matter what the outcome is with the future of the show, I will likely still remain here, ranting my random thoughts to whoever the heck wants to listen… (unless life dictates otherwise.) I am determined to get through the major backlog of asks that currently fill my inbox (honestly, I consider it shameful for how bad I’ve let it get - all I can say is I’m slow and my brain never works when I want it to… I apologise!) My goal is to get them done by the years end… but we will see if that happens.

Anyway, thank you for asking Anon - I shall be holding out hope with you! #SAVEYOUNGJUSTICE!💛

#renew young justice #saveearth16 #save young justice!#thanks anon!#ask box #my response #my thoughts #young justice #yj #hbo max #warner bros discovery #warner bros #dc #dc animation #personal opinion #not my gif

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dontmindifidontt · 2 years

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EARLY MORNINGS AND OVERTIME | Nanami Kento x Reader JJK fanfic | Chapter 12: Promises of the Future

Pairing: Nanami Kento x Reader (fem, first person pov) Word count: 3701 Fic Summary: A smutty fic in which Nanami Kento brightens up the mundane, flour-dusted life a college dropout working in a bakery. Chapter Summary: Nanami and our baker take a big step in their relationship post-training camp. Warnings: oral (fem receiving), fingering, vaginal penetration

Read on AO3. Masterlist. Please feel free to ask me to correct anything in the above info, this is my first fic and I want to be sure I’m following all fic-posting etiquette. Ty!

Returning home after training with Nanami feels... different. In the best way. It feels powerful to know I’m not in the dark anymore, and I know how to defend myself beyond hiding or running away. I have the basic knowledge and skills needed to take care of myself and maybe even lend Nanami a hand if needed... though I know he’d never ask.

I would have thought life would seriously change in the weeks since returning from training, but our routine has remained mostly the same. Nanami has continued to visit me almost daily at work, I’ve continued to spend nearly every night at his place, and I’ve happily slipped into that love-induced haze yet again. This said haze can explain my surprise to receiving a text from my landlord reminding me my lease was up in a month. How could I forget something so important? Not only that, but I had to let him know if I would be renewing in twenty-four hours. Oh and the already over-priced rent is raising ten percent. He kindly threw in that detail at the end.

Letting a sigh escape my lips, I began to punch at the keyboard on my screen in frustration before promptly deleting each word of my reply. I had to think about this.

The hissing of the espresso machine behind my back at my bakery counter jolted me from my thoughts, once again reminding me I had no business trying to multitask. Quickly pouring the latte I had decided to make myself for the lull in today’s shift, I brought the still steaming liquid to my lips and savored the strong-tasting sip. It was time for me to focus on my plans, on my future-

The front door chimed.

“Maybe I should visit before the rush more often?” Nanami mused as he strolled in through the front door and walked straight to the counter. “Seems like you can spend your undivided attention on me this time of day.” His mouth turned up at the side as he said this and I wanted to kiss his face right then.

“Attention doesn’t seem to be my strong suit this morning,” I mumble into the latte I still have raised to my mouth.

“Why’s that?”

“As you know, we’ve been... busy lately,” I tried not to blush as I landed on the word choice and saw Nanami smiling down at me. “It seemed to have slipped my mind that my lease is up. And if I want to keep it for the next year I have to pay 10% more which I wasn’t prepared to do. But if I don’t renew I have to find a new place to live within a month.” I huffed out a sigh after my outpouring of this morning’s frustrations.

“Well I don’t see why this should be cause for frustration,” Nanami asserts.

I look up inquisitively to see his smile hasn’t faded in the slightest.

“You can move in with me.” That grin. The picture of someone put-together who knows what he wants. The total opposite of how I felt most of the time and I loved him for it.

“That simple huh?” I joked but he didn’t laugh. “...You’re serious?”

“Of course I am. You spend most of your time at my place anyway, there’s plenty of room for both of us, and it seems like you’d be planning to move within the month anyway. I’ll help pack your first bag tonight if you say yes.”

This man really was too good to be true.

“You always seem to know exactly what you want, you know that?” I couldn’t help but tease.

“Never been as sure as I am now,” he responded with a faint glimmer in his eye that I couldn’t miss.

____________________________________________________

Practically skipping home from work I texted my landlord that I would not be renewing the lease and he can expect me gone within the month. Tossing my phone onto the couch I decide to get to work on that first bag Nanami promised he’d help me pack. I smiled to myself at the absurdity of it all, and couldn’t help the butterflies in my stomach that fluttered at the anticipation of him knocking on my door later tonight.

With each sweater, skirt, and cardigan that I layered into the bag I felt myself relax. I began with the clothes I kept stored under my bed, since they were already folded neatly and easy to pack.

Moving was a huge change, and moving in with my boyfriend is an even bigger change, but I wasn’t stressed. I felt an overwhelming calm at the idea. It feels right.

I hear my doorbell buzz before I can even zip the first bag. Kicking the clutter that began to pile on the floor under the bed, I go running to the door. Swinging it open, I practically fling myself into Nanami’s arms as he stands in the doorway.

I barely had time to notice he’s dressed for the occasion. A long sleeve dark gray athletic shirt, black shorts well above the knee, and impossibly clean white sneakers. Of course he’s prepared.

Without putting me down from the death-grip I’ve put around his middle, he walks us straight to my bedroom where my bag remains unzipped atop the comforter. I squeal as he drops me down onto my bed and I land with a bounce on the mattress before he leans over me and cages me in with his arms. With either hand pressed down on the bed besides my shoulders, he lowers his head to tease in my ear, “We could spend the night packing, or... we could spend the night fucking and I just buy you a new closet full of clothes to fill my place...”

My eyes bulge at the suggestion and the butterflies in my stomach begin to spread even lower. I’m about to laugh him off or say he couldn’t possibly be serious when I tilt my head and make direct eye contact with him.

He’s staring back at me with all the intensity in the world, like he can see my every thought, my every want and need. And I know then that he’s dead serious about giving me anything I want, whenever I want it. In that moment I know all I want is him.

Without breaking eye contact I lift my face up closer to his, letting every emotion of mine show through my eyes until we’re close enough to brush noses.

He lets out a sigh at my nearness, at the way I stopped right before I could have kissed him, and I feel his hands clench next to me without moving.

“You thought you were all mine before,” he starts, continuing to hold still above me, and I nod slightly. “But now, when you’re living with me, sleeping in my bed, listening to your favorite songs on my record player, leaving lipstick prints on my wine glasses.... you’re a part of me. You’ll be a part of my home, and the best part of me.”

I feel them before I realize they’re there. The tears. Every memory we’ve built or shared these past months are swirling through my head at once. My vision blurs from the tears and these memories are all I can see.

My mouth is on his in the next instant and I can’t breathe with how badly I need every part of him to be touching every part of me. Desperately grabbing at his shirt, I start to lift it from the bottom so I can pull it over his head - he beats me to it. Stripping it up and over his head in one fluid motion, he tosses the shirt aside and grabs at mine to do the same.

Both of our clothes are strewn across the tiny room before I know it. Nanami flips me onto my stomach, keeping one arm wrapped around my middle with his palm spread across my hip.

“I know this is how you like it,” he murmurs softly into my ear as I feel the warmth of his body hover against the back of mine. In a flash he pushes my knees forward so that they’re bent and pressing into the mattress, spreading my legs apart slightly.

With my back arched and ass lifted high into the air, he starts a slow trail of kisses and licks from the base of my neck down my spine. Goosebumps rise on nearly every part of my skin as his mouth slides lower and lower along my body. My knees feel weaker with each brush of his mouth, and his hands push into the back of my knees to keep them in place.

I curse aloud when he begins to kiss the soft flesh of my ass, taunting me with light licks across each cheek. I hear him hum and sigh under his breath as he gets closer to the dripping center between my legs.

“You know it pains me to go slow like this just as much as it does you...” he says lowly. “Everything about you, your taste... you smell so good and I need you so bad.” He seems to lose the fight against his own instinct in that moment and no longer takes his time with me. He goes straight to my needy and soaked core, giving me the pressure and licks of his tongue I so desperately needed.

Crying out, I clench my hands onto the comforter bunched up in front of me. My chest presses down into the mattress even harder with each stroke of Nanami’s tongue, and I already feel my body ready to collapse. Before it can do so, Nanami locks his right arm around my thighs, and his left atop of my lower back. Pinned in this position, fully exposed to his mouth, I feel myself let go. I no longer need to hold myself up and all I can feel is the incredible sensation of his mouth licking up and down, back and forth across me.

My eyes begin to close, or maybe roll back, I can barely tell as I feel my insides heat even more. He’s giving me all I can take in this moment, and I can’t even adjust my legs or torso to make the pleasure more bearable. At this rate there’s no doubt I’ll last much lo-

A shriek escapes me as I feel Nanami’s stupidly perfect finger sink inside me with ease. I can feel myself soaking him to the touch and only getting wetter by the second. “That’s my girl,” he hums against my skin and the vibration nearly pushes me off the edge.

“Nanami- I- I can’t,” I breathe out, trying so desperately to keep going.

“You can take a little more from me my girl,” he says in the most tantalizing voice and I swear I see stars. “I know you can.”

Another finger sinks within me and I scream into the blanket. I can barely breathe as I feel the muscles deep within me already start to contract. Nanami’s fingers glide in and out and my breath escapes me - at the same time I hear a moan that’s not my own.

Looking over my shoulder I see Nanami still tasting every part of me like it’s all he’s ever wanted, with one hand expertly maneuvering in and around my opening. His other hand is lower, the muscles on his forearm rippling as he strokes his own cock - slowly. I moan at the sight and nearly erupt then and there, only causing Nanami to press his fingers into me deeper. I yell out, squeezing my eyes shut, knowing my body is about to quake with how strong this orgasm is about to be. Nanami adjusts himself behind me, shuffling his feet even closer to the end of the bed when I hear the sound of his foot connecting with something and pushing it across the floor under the bed.

He stops, and I cry out as his mouth leaves my burning hot skin to see what it is he just kicked.

“Now what is this?” Nanami is breathless as he bends down, only to rise again with a far from innocent looking item in his hand.

Barely able to speak, I lick my lips and start to explain, “Oh, that, I bought so long ago... it’s been under my bed for forever and must have moved around when I started to pack... it’s nothing I’ve never even used it before-”

“Never?” He stops me. “Well it’s a real shame a girl like you has never gotten the chance to use a spreader bar before. Especially considering how much you like this fun little position we’re in now.”

My heart is beating loud enough to hear as he twirls the contraption in his hands.

“Stand up.” It’s a pure command from him.

I obey it.

Clumsily shuffling to the end of the bed and stepping onto the ground in front of him he spins me around once again, pushing my upper half back down onto the bed. My breasts press hard against the mattress and I cry out at the contact.

“Now spread.” Another command.

He clips my ankles into the two cuffs on the bar, locking my legs in place far apart. He starts to drag one hand up against the inside of a thigh and my leg shakes a bit on instinct but is met with resistance from the bar.

“Perfect,” he muses. “You’ll like this baby.”

I moan again at the promise in his voice and feel myself drip with wetness each time my ankle fights against the padded cuff of the bar. I’m totally and completely open and bare to him with absolutely no shot of changing the fact. It’s exhilarating.

“I really have you all to myself,” Nanami sounds practically drunk with arousal as I feel each word vibrate against me, “beautiful.”

Without hesitation his mouth is on me again and I feel myself back on the brink of all I can handle. Every swipe of his tongue has me panting and grasping at the sheets around me. I can’t stop myself before I hear the begging words spill from my mouth, “Please I need you inside me so fucking bad.”

I can feel the cruel smile spread across Nanami’s mouth in reaction to my beg. He stands, gripping my hips and turning me around to face him, careful not to knock my still bound legs into the bedframe. Wordlessly he leans down to kiss me with force before lifting me back onto the bed so I’m now on my back.

At first I’m unsure why he wants to have me positioned like this until I feel him reach down for the bar and pull. Before I know it my ankles are behind my head and Nanami is holding down the middle of the spreader bar with one hand to keep me folded like this and once again fully exposed to him.

I can’t help but ogle at him, and I watch as his gaze slowly trails over the entirety of my tightly folded body. “Just perfect,” he seems to say aloud to himself. “Now let’s really get you right where I want you.” With that he grabs ahold of my wrists to make use of the last two cuffs on the bar - the wrist cuffs located smack in the center of it.

Using an impossible blend of force and gentleness, he cuffs each of my wrists in tight so that all of my hands and feet are bound to the bar. He keeps one of his hands locked around the middle of it so he can hold me down in this position and the sight of it all is making me ache with need. His visibly hard cock is now hovering over my fully exposed core and I’m desperate for him to make contact. He can see the need in my face and starts to grin once again, staring down at my wetness that’s on complete display to him and only him.

“Real shame you’ve never used this before... you clearly like it so much,” he trails a finger between my soaking folds to prove his point. Before I can say a word he sinks his cock into me fully and all the air escapes from my lungs. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and needed and he’s giving it to me.

He pulls back out agonizingly slow and I beg for more, for him to go faster and deeper.

“I told you you could handle a little more from me,” I don’t have the energy or the ability to speak in response to his taunts. My only focus is on the intoxicating glide of his cock as it fills every needy part of me. He presses down on the bar even harder, and my hips lift up as a result. He slides impossibly deeper into me at this angle and I scream, trying and failing to ignore the heat that’s coiled around my spine.

“You like this?” Nanami asks lowly and I can only moan in response. “When you’re living with me, sleeping in my bed, you know I’m going to give you all you can take. Every time.” The thought of having Nanami give me everything anytime after I move in with him has me practically seeing stars. I can’t form words or even keep my eyes open as he continues to slide deep into me while explaining all of the ways and places we’ll be having sex in his house together. Our house. The thought alone has me on the brink of release when he suddenly presses his fingers to my completely exposed clit and I instantly erupt. Every single part of my body is filled with pleasure as the orgasm crashes over me. Locked into the spreader bar I’m powerless to the surge of my contracting muscles and I feel Nanami shudder. Is it too much for him too?

Breathing out a groan he grabs the sides of my face in his hands and releases into me. His forehead is pressed to mine as he chokes on his breath and slows the thrust of his hips. I’ve never felt so held and secure in his arms before. I feel as if we’re in our own bubble of pleasure and love and promise for our future.

Barely lifting his head so that his eyes meet mine, Nanami begins to smile without losing the bit of sexy glow in his eyes as he says, “First item on your packing list better be that fucking spreader bar.”

____________________________________________________

The actual move-in began that very next weekend. Considering the laughably small size of my apartment, it didn’t take long for me to pack everything I owned into one car full of bags. Granted, the rearview mirror was rendered useless with how high the bags were stacked in the backseat, but we made it work.

I only let Nanami partially fill his promise of buying all new clothes for me to fill his closet. Guess I need to get used to saying our closet. There were a few items of clothing I donated because they no longer fit right or suited my style, and I let him replace a few things I knew I’d miss. Mei Mei would have probably killed me if I didn’t take him up on his offer at least a little bit.

Our first full day (and night) in the townhome together was spent with minimal clothing. As was the next day. And the next. Overall I could really get used to this sexy roommate situation.

After putting on a record in the living room to listen to before winding down for the night, I decide to sort through my new pajama sets Nanami bought me. He unpacked them for me in his closet, so I’m still getting used to where some of my belongings are. Pulling open various drawers that are built in to the walls of his ridiculously large closet, I continue to sift through neat piles of socks, sweatpants, and tshirts. Reaching for the bottom drawer, I can’t help but notice how unusually heavy this one feels as I strain to pull it open. The contents shine in the dim closet light as the drawer slowly rolls open and I’m stunned.

He has more of his sorcerer’s weapons in here. Lots of them. Far too many for someone who’s no longer in the field... or for someone who isn’t concerned for their safety. This goes beyond precautionary protection.

This drawer contains not only the tools and weapons he brought to training, but various knives and axe-looking weapons of all sizes. It’s practically overflowing and my mind is racing. I call out for Nanami to come here immediately because I need to find out what’s going on before I start to panic. There has to be an explanation for him to still have all these accessible...

“What’s wrong?” Nanami hurriedly asks as he jogs into the closet doorway to find me standing in front of the drawer like a ghost.

“You need to tell my why your bottom drawer makes it look like you’re preparing for a damn war.” My back is to him as I continue to stare down at the drawer in disbelief.

I can feel the tension in the sigh Nanami lets out before responding.

“And don’t tell me it’s just in case, or there’s nothing to worry about,” I add before he can speak, “I can see for myself that would clearly be a lie.”

“You’re right,” is all he says and I whip my head around to face him. “There is something to worry about.”

....

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collecting-stories · 3 years

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Flowers on the Grave - c. 10 - JJ Maybank

Summary: Everything finally comes to a head.

A/N: So...massive thanks for following this series all the way through to the end. Seriously, means so much to me cause I was so unsure of this when I started it.

You Are Ok Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

✞ I was on the verge of breaking down when you came around ✞

The phone rang, shrill in your ear, and you felt like a weight had settled on your chest as you waited for someone to answer.

Timothy was talking about the same three things that he had overwhelmed you with at the Wreck. Getting his pilot’s license, becoming a missionary, and his strength in the Lord. When he said it you could almost feel your father’s gaze burning into you, your own strength barely a register on the scale.

He had questioned you further the night before, after he had sent everyone home you had spent nearly the entire night sitting at the kitchen table with the two of them, demanding a repentance for your sins as you tried not to tell them everything that you had done to betray them. If they knew half of it...if only there were nunneries for Baptists. Your eyes had stayed on the clock, watching minutes turn to hours and knowing that JJ was waiting for you. That you wouldn’t make it.

Now you sat in the living room, watching those same minutes tick away, an escape plan the only thing on your mind as you listened to all the voices around you mingling. All you could imagine was yourself with JJ in Charleston and you desperately wanted to be there, wished you could transport yourself there.

You excused yourself from the couch beside Timothy, walking into the kitchen under the guise of needing something to drink. In actuality you just needed the moment to breathe. Everyone in the living room seemed fixated on the impending nuptials, regardless of the fact that Timothy had yet to propose to you. It didn’t seem to bother anyone, Timothy’s mom and your’s gushing about what sort of dress you would wear and your flowers. Every second spent with them felt like you were sinking further beneath the waves, unable to get your bearings, you imagined yourself drowning in all of this.

You glanced over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you before sneaking out the kitchen door, pulling it closed behind you so that it didn’t make any noise. The back patio had been cleaned off and all the kids were around the front of the house, playing between the church and the front porch.

“Ace,” the familiar voice came from your left and you almost burst into tears at the sight of JJ stepping onto the patio, careful to stay out of view of the window.

“JJ...I-”

“It’s okay,” he said, cutting you off. His eyes looked bloodshot, more so than when he smoked too much and you realized that he looked like he had been crying. “It’s okay...I know your family is inside and all, I just wanted to stop by to, uh, to see you...” he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“What, I don’t-”

“I understand, I swear. I knew that you might not come, that wasn’t like...I get it.” He insisted.

“No, JJ...” you shook your head. Careful not to draw attention to yourself as you slipped passed the window to meet him at the edge of the patio, you placed your hands on either side of his face, heartbreaking at the way he turned his eyes away, “my parents found your vape pen in the house. I...my dad like freaked out on me, I’ve never seen him like that. I couldn’t come to see you, I wanted to, so badly...I still want to.” You swore. “I love you.”

The words processed a little slowly, giving you the opportunity to watch JJ’s face as realisation sunk in. You hadn’t left him waiting at the Phantom because you were choosing what your family wanted, you hadn’t been able to get there. “Seriously?”

“Yes, I swear. I told you I was coming and I was. I just-”

“Hey, it’s alright, I get it.” He promised. He knew how dependent on your family you felt. How dependent they made you feel.

“Is it too late?” You asked, looking back to the screen door as if someone would walk through. The bruise on your arm was still there, stinging under the sleeve of your dress but somehow it didn’t feel as harsh as before, as much like a shackle as it had last night, “is it too late to leave?”

JJ looked surprised, “you still want to?”

“Yes. But we have to go now.” You knew there was no way you could go back inside that house.

The renewed sense of optimism that gripped JJ was not without understanding that your window oy opportunity was limited. Leave now and you still had the chance to make it to Charleston before dark, wait and there was a chance someone would step outside and see you.

“Okay.”

Your absence was becoming increasingly noticeable until finally your mother stood up, promising that she would be back in just a moment, she needed to find you first. “She has a tendency to wander off, probably playing with the children.” She explained as she walked into the kitchen, positive that she had just heard the screen door creak shut.

Stepping out onto the porch, she looked quickly around the yard, a survey of the area within the trees, looking for you by the clothesline or the church or the old swings that had been set up nearly five children ago. You weren’t there though, the yard was empty. She pushed the door open again, walking back into the kitchen and catching sight of the refrigerator. A note, scrawled on the grocery pad that was kept by the door, had been tacked to the front of the fridge along with a delicate gold cross hanging from a chain.

Mom + Dad,

Sorry, I told dad I wouldn’t marry Timmy and I meant it. Call you when I can.

Ace

Your mother screamed so loud it was a wonder that you didn’t hear it, running through the trees with JJ, your hand in his. Once the woods parted to make way for the closest drive-way you saw JJ’s dirt bike. There were plenty of times that you had almost taken him up on the offer of riding on the back of the bike with him but you always backed out at the last second, far too terrified of falling off or getting hurt. Today you hardly thought twice of it, climbing on the rungs and wrapping your arms around his shoulders. You leaned forward, kissing JJ’s cheek before he kicked up the stand and took off, “I love you.”

“Love you.” JJ replied quickly before taking off, grinning at the feeling of your grip on his shoulders tightening.

The middle of the afternoon was far different from midnight and Heyward’s was open, Pope and Kiara coming out when they heard the sound of the dirt bike, as if they’d been waiting. The moment you each dismounted Kiara was pulling you into a hug, swearing that she ‘knew it’, knew you weren’t standing him up. She passed you over to Pope, who hugged you and whispered in your ear that he was glad you came, knowing without having to tell you that you understood just how much this relationship meant to JJ.

“Come on,” JJ grabbed your hand, pulling you away from them. “We gotta go.”

“You can take ten seconds to give me a hug JJ,” Kiara said, already pulling him into a hug.

“Okay, okay,” he laughed, hugging her back and lifting her a little off the ground before letting her go, “we need to leave, I love you guys, I’ll see ya soon.”

“See ya man,” Pope hugged him, “call us.”

JJ was guiding you away from them again, over to where he had docked the Phantom. He had taken your duffel bag the day before and it was still sitting there under the bench along with his backpack. The last time you had been on a boat with JJ had been out on the Pogue, in the Marsh. This was a lot different, the outlet to the ocean just beyond your vision but getting closer as JJ steered the Phantom. Kiara and Pope shouted their goodbyes from the jetty and you waved, suddenly feeling like that weight that settled on your chest was gone.

“Are you freaking out?” JJ asked, catching your attention.

You got up from the bench, careful as you walked over to him. “No but I'm sure my mom is.” You replied, laughing a little when JJ wrapped his arm around your waist and guided you in front of him, putting you between him and the wheel. You turned your head, tilting back to kiss him.

A police car rushed past Kiara and Pope as they stood outside of Heyward’s, heading in the direction of the church and your house. When Shoupe pulled in, the yard was quiet. Your siblings and their families were all inside, your oldest sister trying to do damage control with Timothy’s family while your mom and dad stood outside, your mom clutching the letter and the necklace.

The cross was something that your mom had given you on your thirteenth birthday, a symbol of your devotion and love for the Lord, now it was tucked in her hand as she tried not to absolutely fall apart. Timothy’s mother was simply upset that you had seemingly skipped out on her son but your mom was dealing with the reality that you were gone and she had no idea where you would even go.

“When was the last time you saw her?” Shoupe asked, skeptical as he took down your information. You were 18, according to your parents, 18-year-olds didn’t need permission to leave home without telling anyone. So far, he was unconvinced of a crime.

“Hardly an hour ago.” Your mom replied, thrusting the note into his hand, “she left this...I know that boy she was sneaking around with put her up to it.”

“Do you know this boy’s name?” he asked, looking over the vague note you had left.

“JJ Maybank.” Your father said.

Shoupe frowned, if there was any name that immediately sparked his interest it was JJ’s. It didn’t matter whether JJ was guilty of something or not, nine times out of ten Shoupe was positive that any misconduct on the island could be traced back to JJ and his friends. “Look, usually in cases like this I would tell you that, your kid is 18, if you haven’t heard from her in 24 hours then I’ll file a missing persons. But I know that Maybank kid...I’ll talk to his friends, see if anyone knows anything. You hear from your daughter, you let me know.”

“Thank you, deputy.” Your father said, his arms around your mom as she continued to cry. You were gone and he wasn’t sure if he was angrier that you had walked out on your family’s expectations of you or that you were embarrassing them in front of a potential future husband. Either way, the thought that something they did contributed to your disappearance never occured to them.

Charleston wasn’t half-way between North Carolina and Florida. There wasn’t anything special about the place and even Pope had asked why JJ didn’t just take the Phantom down to Georgia for a stopover. JJ’s only explanation was that he knew a guy in Charleston and, technically, he did. When Luke had served an 18-month sentence for a petty misdemeanor his cellmate had been an in-the-process-of-reforming drug addict who took himself down to South Carolina to work in a program for recovering addicts. He kept in touch with JJ, making sure that Luke was treating the boy right and JJ always lied through his teeth that everything was great.

“Nothing to worry about.”

But he’d called a few weeks before with an odd favor. One that Luke’s cellmate readily agreed to, no questions asked, but a strange request all the same. “Meet me at the courthouse in Charleston.”

Now you stood outside, scuffing the toe of your converse against the pavement, JJ’s cellphone held in a vice grip against your ear. Independence didn’t exist in your family, at least not for you. You belonged to your father until you belonged to a husband and there was no other way around it. JJ was sitting on the hood of his friend’s car, talking about heading down to Flordia, watching you as you stood a few feet away, fiddling with the strings that tied the dress he’d bought you in Chapel Hill. You’d dug it out of a drawer in your mom’s room and wore it now, a small symbol of freedom.

“Hello?” Your mother’s voice came through the phone, a little grainy.

“Mom?”

Suddenly she was shouting for your father and you could practically hear her switching the phone over to speaker so he could hear you too. His footsteps were heavy in the background and when you were sure he was in earshot you spoke again, not ready to hear whatever bible verse he had earmarked for this very specific occasion.

“I just wanted you to know I’m okay, JJ and I are heading down south. We’ll be staying with a cousin of his until we can get our own place.” You told them, “but we’re safe. Kiara told me you called the police; you can tell them you made a mistake...I left on my own.”

JJ stood up, walking over to where you stood, nodding to you as if silently asking you to put the phone on speaker. You held it away from your ear and tapped the button on the screen, your father’s reprimanding voice pouring through the phone.

“Stop, stop,” your mother insisted, cutting into the conversation with the only thing you knew she cared about. “What am I supposed to tell Timothy’s parents?”

“Tell ‘em she’s already married.” JJ answered for you, winking at you when you smiled. Charleston wasn’t anything special, expect they let you get married the same day you applied for a license and you knew it was the only thing your parents would listen to. When you had told JJ he’d been more than onboard with the idea. Surprisingly okay, eager even.

“What?” Your father practically shouted through the phone. He had sat up the night, waiting for the call you promised them only for it to come through early in the afternoon the next day with this, news that you had married this kid.

“Ace-” your mom seemed like there was something more she wanted to say, something that she couldn’t say with your father hovering beside her.

“I’ll be in touch, love you.” You said, ending the call and realizing, as JJ pulled you into a hug, that you were crying. “I really hate them sometimes but I don’t...want them to hate me.”

“Trust me,” JJ reassured, “I know all about it.”

Your shoes sat abandoned on the small front lawn, socks stuffed inside as you stood a few feet away, ankles deep in a plastic kiddie pool that was slowly filling with hose water. You still had your uniform on, a short sleeved, short-hemmed, yellow waitress dress that buttoned up the front. Balanced on your hip, your arms around her, was JJ’s cousin’s daughter, his niece for the sake of simplifying things. She wore a white bathing suit with rainbow flowers all over it, a frilly skirt around the waist. Her Elmo submarine bobbed in the water as it got higher.

“Look, Daisy,” you cooed, drawing her attention to you and then pointing to the object of your interest. An older model Ford truck pulled into the driveway, JJ behind the wheel. “Whose that?”

“JJ!” Daisy clapped her hands with each syllable, thrilled at the sight of him.

The car door slammed behind him, standing there with his coverall’s tied at his waist, white wife-beater dirty from work. His cousin had gotten him the job at the autobody shop that he’d been promised and JJ was enjoying it more than he thought he would. The smile on his face when he saw you was infectious.

“Where’s Brett?” He asked, looking around the small yard of the trailer. It was nothing terribly special, a double-wide trailer that JJ’s cousin Brett had bought after his girlfriend got pregnant. Now he lent out the room that Daisy had been sleeping in to you and JJ, asking only that you pay for groceries every other week and babysit whenever need be.

“Went to meet April for lunch.” You replied, “you’re early.”

“Don’t act so excited.” He teased, getting close enough that you could kiss him, Daisy reaching out for him and calling his name again. “As soon as I change Dais,” he promised, kissing the baby’s head.

“Kiara called, asked if we’ll be up for Pope’s birthday?” You mentioned, setting Daisy down in the kiddie pool and getting out to shut off the hose. “I said yes.”

“Yeah, definitely.” He nodded, pausing at the steps as if he wasn’t quite sure what he had intended to do next, finally turning to look back at you as you kneeled down on the outside of the pool in hopes of keeping your uniform clean. “You okay with going back for a weekend?”

“Now that I’ve fallen into like, total debauchery, definitely.” You joked, “my parents probably won’t even recognize me if I don’t, you know, get stuck down by lightening just walking onto the property.”

JJ snorted, “slow your roll there Cheech, you still can’t smoke and you definitely can’t handle your liquor.”

“Go get changed so I can...Brett basically handed me Daisy, threw a shirt on and left. I didn’t even get to change.” You mentioned, pointing to the dress, “I know it’s some weird turn-on for you but I’d like to put a bathing suit on.”

“Hey, I’m happy to oblige,” he called, the screen door clambering behind him as he disappeared into the trailer.

You had tried to imagine a few times, what you would’ve been doing right now if you had stayed in the Outer Banks, if JJ had never asked you out to begin with. Probably packing for Tennessee, signing off on a life-sentence with someone who thought your greatest contribution to his life would be in how many children you could give him and how well you kept his house. Certainly not living in a trailer in a small town, saving dollars in a jar, with a future ahead of you that was as much yours to decide as JJ’s.

“Alright, get your ass in there and change.” JJ said, coming out of the trailer. He’d left the white tank on but changed into an old pair of swim shorts, climbing into the kiddie pool as if it was intended solely for him.

You stood up, brushing grass off your knees and leaning over to kiss JJ one more time, “be right back. Don’t have fun without me.”

“Oh we’re gonna have all the fun!” He called as the door shut behind you.

As you passed the mirror on the door you stopped to look at your reflection. You looked the same as you had when you left for Florida four months ago but there was something there, something so different that you couldn’t recognize yourself sometimes. A good different though, the kind that settled over you like a warm sun in the summer, the kind that blossomed up in your chest and let you know that all these decisions that led to right now had been the right ones.

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hencethebravery · 3 years

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v i c e v e r s a

This is the extremely brief story of how a rebellious, narcissistic little whelp fell in love with a smarmy, mustachioed bureaucrat (and vice versa).

+ Agent Mobius sits in an unremarkable cubicle in an unremarkable corner of an unremarkable building in a famously remarkable city. He wakes up and pages through his old travel magazines and not infrequently spills some of his coffee all over them. His subscription expired a year or so ago, and for whatever reason he has not been able to find the time to renew it. He finishes his breakfast and walks a couple blocks (if the weather’s nice) before hopping on the train another 30 minutes to the office, where he always greets security and they sometimes greet him back.

Agent Mobius has been working for the CI division of the Internal Revenue Service for the last 15 years, and he has been maddeningly close to catching Odin, the CEO of Asgard, Inc., for about 10 of those.

He’s worked other cases of course—made an impact in a plethora of other ways (his superiors take comfort in the consistent quality of his work), but they so rarely consumed him with the same degree of ferocity as this one. And it’s not because he’s been trapped within a “will they, won’t they” cluster-cuss with Odin’s impossible son (his youngest) for about 3-4 of the 10 years mentioned.

And no, it’s not a conflict of interest; if anything, he’s undercover.

B. (”Bee”) is his favorite co-worker. He knows almost nothing about her but is completely committed to making sure that he is her favorite co-worker. He’s winning her over. Absolutely.

“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Mobius.”

He scoffs and adjusts his belt. He has almost certainly said things dumber than that.

Mobius treats himself to salads from Sissy’s Café 2-3 times a week. They’re on the pricier side because they’re so large, which is really the only way to eat a salad, otherwise you’re still hungry and it was nothing but a waste of money and wilted lettuce. On a seasonally comfortable day he’ll grab it to-go and grab a table at a small park nearby, which is generally speaking one of the nicer parts of his day, unless of course—

“You are terribly predictable, I hope you know.”

Mobius huffs and stabs his fork into a particularly thick bit of spinach and avocado. “You say that as if you’re not, which I find hilarious.”

“Well you would, I am famously quite funny.”

He tries to ignore the fact that the code-word “Young Prince,” has finally gotten the haircut he’s so desperately needed (even more so does he try to ignore the fact that he’d been the one to suggest it). Loki is in black today (surprise, surprise) despite the bright, warm sunshine, and his t-shirt fits snug across his shoulders.

“Nice haircut,” Mobius notes between sips of his ever-warming seltzer.

Loki gives the barest hint of a smile, which is unfortunately one of Mobius’ favorite things, if only because it is one of the few real things about the man.

“Not that you asked, but I stopped by because I have some information for you.”

Mobius sighs. Loki loves claiming to have information, which Mobius more-or-less loves to follow-up on despite the fact that it is unreliable about 85% of the time. Happily enough for Mobius, Loki isn’t a huge fan of his father either, although he is a fan of his father’s money, which doesn’t really work in the IRS’ favor.

“Oh?” Mobius replies, disinterested. “And I’m sure it’s just as helpful as your last little ‘tip’ was.”

“More, actually, and frankly I’m offended by the accusation.”

“I’m sure you are.”

The few seconds that follow would be familiar to anyone who had for whatever reason been observing this strange almost-mating ritual that had been occurring over the years. A comfortably quiet exchange of mutual gazing where Loki secretly admired the bent in Mobius’ nose, and Mobius secretly admired the crinkling around Loki’s eyes when he did that almost-smile he reserved for a lucky few.

Loki clears his throat and reaches across the table for the seltzer, taking a sip whilst decidedly ignoring the look of disbelief on Mobius’ face.

“Excuse me—”

“Yes, excuse you, if you’ll recall I was about to share some very valuable information. The most valuable, you might say.”

The last time Loki interrupted Mobius’ lunch with “valuable information,” he’d wasted an ungodly amount of time and money pursuing a lead (and raiding the office of a rather well-respected Senator) that went nowhere, all because this Senator had made a pointed and correct comment at some rich-person function and Loki has never been able to not take something personally for even one moment in his absurd little life.

“And why should I believe you this time?”

It’s the fidgeting that gives it away—how starts tapping his fingertips against the empty can, his eyes looking anywhere other than at Mobius. That maybe he’s telling the truth this time.

“I’m... tired, I guess.”

“You’re ‘tired.’”

He looks up, briefly, before he returns to this out-of-character bit of looking anywhere else.

“My brother’s off... saving the world,” he starts with a sneer, “Sylvie’s about to have a family—”

“She’s still your family,” Mobius interrupts, “don’t be stupid.”

“But that’s classic me, isn’t it?”

Mobius silently disagrees, but he’s so afraid to burst this bubble of self-awareness—to ruin what has started to feel like a critical, life-changing moment, that he cannot possibly bring himself to speak.

Loki opens his mouth as if he has more to say, but he closes it and places a small black hard drive in the middle of the table instead. When Mobius looks closer, he notices that it’s engraved with a small bolt of lightening. His heart starts to tap in a series quickening, uncomfortable beats.

“Loki—”

“I’ve had it for a while,” he admits, “if you knew how long you’d probably want nothing more to do with me.”

Mobius has made the moral arguments before; probably to the detriment of the argument itself. That no single man should be able to accumulate so much wealth—that his notoriously stuffy, humorless job is “really important, actually,” and stopping his father could help a lot of people, least of all his own son, and “good god, Loki, what the hell are you even trying to prove?”

“It’s for admittedly selfish reasons,” he continues before Mobius can correct him, “regardless of the final outcome.”

“Why’s that?” Mobius croaks, wishing his tie was just a little bit looser today (so goddamn tight, every single day—)

“Well,” he grins, looking back up at him, finally, “if you’re not undercover, there’s no... what’s the term? ‘Conflict of interest?’”

“Yeah,” Mobius laughs, “yeah, that’s the term.”

Loki pushes the drive across the table. “Take it,” he says, “it’s time you had it.”

"Feels like it should be heavier.”

Loki smirks.

“Shut up.”

Mobius glances at his watch and notices, with surprise, that he’s gone about 5 minutes over his lunch hour.

“Time to go?” Loki asks, the words painted with a nervousness that seems foreign to him.

Agent Mobius has never once returned late from his lunch hour. He respects the agency’s time too much, and what real good has ever come from his lingering? But when he looks back at Loki, who has so recently cut his hair—who suddenly fidgets and appears genuinely nervous, he considers the importance of making exceptions to certain rules. To “loosening his tie,” so to speak. And besides, Bee will cover for him (he’s pretty sure).

“Nah,” Mobius answers, sliding the drive into his coat pocket, “I can be late.”

#loki series #loki #mobius #lokius #loki fic #lokius fic #loki fanfic #lokius fanfic #@hencethewriter #a prince and a bureaucrat flirt in a park #it's a modern au #because i will never fuck with mcu canon for free #also there's a wes anderson reference in here #because of course there is

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101flavoursofweird · 3 years

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Fic Questionnaire

Thanks for @sixtyfourk for tagging me! I’m putting the questions under a cut because it’s quite long :’)

I’ll tag @northernscruffycat, @northelypark, @edward-elbowlick, @vermontwrites, @asa-liz, @yoshi-g-teh-first, @call-me-rucy, and @aquamarineglow but if there’s anyone else who wants to do this, please go ahead!

How many works do you have on AO3?

107… but a lot of these are just reposts or prompt-inspired fics that are 10 lines long!

What's your total AO3 word count?

378242 words

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Professor Layton, PLvsAA, Layton Brothers Mystery Room, Rhythm Thief, Voltron: Legendary Defender (I only watched the first two seasons, haha…), The Ancient Magus Bride (I was in it for the cute dragon mage— not for the main romance), Steven Universe, Ace Attorney (only as a part of PLvsAA), Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts, My Hero Academia

…10 fandoms altogether, but some like PLvsAA and LBMR fall under the PL category.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Aizawa Doesn’t Give Hugs - MHA- 1111 kudos - (Why can’t I update my most popular fic?)

Fireflies - Steven Universe - 221 kudos - (Again, WHY DID I NEVER UPDATE THIS?)

Reset - PL - 134 kudos - (This is the one I feel the worst about because it’s an ongoing long fic for my main fandom and I’ve had so much support from readers but I just can’t find the strength to update it…)

Worth Fighting For - PL - 86 kudos - (My incomplete Whumptober fic!)

Mending - Voltron - 85 kudos - (I think this was one of the first fics I posted on AO3 and I was really happy about the response it got! And for a fandom I’d never written for before!)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I usually respond to comments pretty quickly because I want to show my appreciation for people who take the time to comment :) If I’m ever slow to respond it’s probably just because I’m busy or I’m trying to formulate a long response. If a person leaves a longer comment, I try to make my response longer!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

That’s probably ‘To Boldly Flee’. It’s a fic I originally posted on FF.net but it’s now part of an Aurora & Luke oneshot series called ‘Looking Foward’ on AO3. The fic stars Aurora and Luke in an AU set during Azran Legacy. It diverges from canon after Descole steals the Azran keystone in the Nest. Aurora doesn’t want to go to the Azran sanctuary and face her ‘duty’ as the Azran emissary— she also doesn’t want to get STABBED IN THE HEART— so she decides to run away with Luke.

Aurora receives even more angst in this AU than in canon. After Descole’s betrayal, she starts to doubt herself and her friends, aside from Luke.

With a bit of help from Rook and Bishop, the two of them fly to London and then to Misthallery when they hear Targent have taken over the town. During this time, Aurora has her identity crisis about being a golem and having the fate of the world resting on her shoulders. She eventually decides to help Luke save his hometown because Luke is worth the world to her.

This all culminates with Luke getting fatally(?) wounded and taken to the Golden Garden. Aurora is so distraught by this point that she almost ‘floods the whole world’ in a kind of failsafe doomsday device the Azran may have implanted in her. Luckily, Descole and Layton show up to assure her that Luke is alive— but just barely. Aurora returns to her normal self and they get Luke to hospital. Aurora waits by Luke’s bedside for him to wake up. Aurora mentions that Emmy’s fate is unknown, but they still mourn for her.

In the original FF.net ending, Luke wakes up.

In the AO3 ending, Aurora just keeps waiting for Luke. ‘She could not age, so she would wait until he awoke. Even if it took forever...’

If I ever did write more of this story, Aurora and Co would probably go to the other Azran sites (Ambrosia, the Infinite Vault of etc) to search for a cure for Luke. But at it is, the fic is left open-ended as to whether Luke ever recovers.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not really hate but there was one anon review that may have been ‘too brutal’ (their words). I can’t say it hasn’t affected the updates on that particular fic.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I wrote a couple of light smut fics back when I really shipped Layton/Emmy. I think I’d cringe if I went back to read those fics (but then again, I do that with a lot of my old writing). I can’t see myself writing smut now.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I can’t say I’ve had a fic stolen, but I was reading a fic a while ago and the wording was veeery familiar. I’m not sure why because the fic was already good up to that point? Why would they bother copying my writing? XD I can’t complain, though! We’re all technically stealing the original creator’s characters and concepts by writing fanfic.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, for my Rhythm Thief AU, Déjà Vergier! In this AU, 16-year-old Raphael gets taken in by the Vergier family. A Deviantart user called BakApple kindly translated my writing into French. With the help of Google Trabslate, I started translating their French Rhythm Thief fic— ‘July the Fourteenth’— into English, but I didn’t get around to finishing it. My translating skills are nowhere near as good as BakApple’s!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I wrote a PL fic with called ‘If You Only Had Time’ with an awesome writer called Glowbug. It’s an AU (of course) where Rachel Bronev survives and she runs away from Targent with eight-year-old Emmy. Glowbug doesn’t seem to be active online anymore, which is a shame, but I don’t mind! I’m just glad we were able to write 6 chapters.

I don’t think I’d co-write any more fics now… but more for the co-writer’s sake than mine! I’m notoriously bad at updating long fics and I struggle to write under pressure or within a time limit. There’s a reason why I don’t enter Big Bang events, as much as I’d like too :’)

Writing fics is a hobby first and foremost. If I don’t feel like writing something, I’ll leave it and come back later, hopefully with renewed inspiration.

But I’m always happy to discuss fic outlines/ideas/characters’ with other people!

What's your all time favorite ship?

Apparently the ship I’ve written the most fics for is Janice/Melina on AO3?

There seems to be more content for them recently and that makes me SO HAPPY.

Ranhengela might be a close second favourite… Sometimes I literally forget both of these ships aren’t canon.

My favourite characters tend to be those who are so selfless and would sacrifice their lives for the ones they love— e.g. Janice and Henry— even if their significant other is presumed to be dead. I want these characters to be happy but I also want them to through ANGST.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I don’t want to say Reset… but maybe Reset? I haven’t given up completely but I’ve lost a lot of confidence with this fic. What I wanted most out of this story was for Luke to bond with other characters aside from Layton— his parents, Arianna, Emmy, Flora etc.— and to give these characters a chance to shine. But I guess I realised I can do this without all the crazy plot twists and time travel mechanics… like in Ready Now, for example. Most of that fic is just Arianna bonding with Luke, Layton and the others, and it’s hopefully giving Flora her chance to shine too! I guess after giving Arianna her own chapter in Reset I just really wanted to write about her, haha.

What are your writing strengths?

Someone mentioned in a nice review that I often fuse canon with fanon? That’s usually just me poking fun at the series— like when Arianna’s mother asks about Flora’s age and her adoption status, Arianna and Tony just shrug at her comedically. Who knows, really? :’)

I’ll often just make two character sit in a room TALK about their feelings.

Dialogue is an easy one, but I like writing dialogue for characters and getting their voices down. (I will forever portray Dalston with his official Yorkshire accent— not the fake posh accent they gave him the the US version of Miracle Mask.)

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think it’s cool! …If it’s not used to mock another language— apart from English. Please make all the English jokes you want. I’ll probably agree with you and laugh at them.

I remember when I was re-reading Goblet of Fire and I cringed every time J. K. Rowling wrote about a character who wasn’t English.

I’ll occasionally throw French words or sayings into Rhythm Thief fics especially because that’s what they do in the game. It’s hilarious how Charlie has an English accent but then she’ll sprout a random French phrase.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Pokemon, but that short oneshot is long gone.

What's your favorite fic you've ever written?

I’m going to be boring and say Bonds Left Unbroken— an AU where Layton and Desmond both get adopted by the Laytons. I think I enjoyed the earlier chapters more, focussing on younger Desmond and Hershel, and especially their time in Stansbury. The later chapters don’t really branch out from canon that much, aside from the fact that Hershel and Desmond are on the same page during Azran Legacy.

I feel bad that I never got around to finishing the ‘bonus’ episodes, but it kind of just felt like the original series with Desmond phoned in :’) But I’m still proud of the original fic!

#Fanfic #answers #long post #my writing #my fics #thanks #TW: JK Rowling mention #Tagging just in case!#Bonds Left Unbroken #Reset #Ready Now #Aizawa Doesn’t Give Hugs #Looking Forward #Deja Vergier

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paddingtonfan69 · 3 years

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Considering the execution of Sterling/April, is there anything you would have changed? Sterling breaking up with Luke was too rushed for me and I mourn not seeing more of Sterling and April being enemies for the clout.

You know that one line from Hamilton that’s going around tik tok rn (oof what a sentence) that’s like “you could have done so much more if you only had TIME”

That’s basically how I feel. It’s hard, I’ve talked about this before, but if you’re given a 10 episode season from a streaming service that has now become notorious for cancelling shows, and you have a story to tell, you gotta fit it in there. Even if it maybe would have been better paced over more episodes.

So while, yes, it would have been nice to have a bit of a beat between Sterling dating Luke then realizing her feelings (lol) for April, it kind of had to go that fast. And I also would have LOVED a multi episode arc of them pretending to hate each other while secretly hooking up, and it would have been nice to spend more than just one episode where Sterling was pining and horny and unsure if her feelings were reciprocated, but again, there are only 10 episodes. I do think it’s kind of funny that their song is “Slow Burn” when it was a such truly speedy burn. But within the structure of only one 10 episode season, I think the pacing worked surprisingly well.

I’m mostly just mad about the industry of steaming TV and how we’ve adjusted to short seasons dropping all at once, rather than week to week. And TBH is sadly a victim of that, which majorly sucks. And maybe if the show had been renewed, I would be like “ACTUALLY this how the pacing goofed,” but with where we are now, I think that TBH did a great job of telling a compelling romance in that limited structure. I mean looks at us still talking about it so many months later!!!

A dream is to see an actually slow burn seasons long arc of a similar story, like a queer childhood friends to enemies to lovers spread out over many years and many eps. But it’s so frustrating that where the TV industry is today, it doesn’t seem likely. Another way capitalism fucks us over, right? That we are relying on this industry to get these stories? Anyway, uh I kind of took this opportunity to rant about corporate entities that control our media, but hope you got something out of it!

#ask #anon #you: thoughts on Sterling and April?#me: capitalism is a prison that is hurting art #teenage bounty hunters

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arsonist-chicken · 3 years

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Lockdown Tag game; I got tagged by @we-are-not-amoosed thank you! I keep forgetting you know I exist, also I hope you had fun being drunk at midnight on a Tuesday hjhjhj.

First of all, a big FUCK YOU to tumblr, because I was at the LAST QUESTION and opened ONE NEW TAB to look up the word windmill, and when I went back to tumblr, my post was GONE, so here we go again. If an answer seems short of half-answered, it’s because I didn’t feel like typing everything again.

Are you staying home from work or school?

HA. Yes. Love that for me. Not at all. My university opened for 1 1/2 weeks in March 2020, then for another 4 weeks in November, and it has been closed ever since. I’m in my dormitory in the town I study in, not home home at my parents’ place though, because that would Not end well. The internet connection sucks though, that’s really annoying with distance learning. When I go into The City for A Thing, I usually cycle past my department and it makes we Yearn to go back in there, which is a thing I didn’t think would ever happen, but one pandemic later and suddenly everyone would kill for the change to go back to work/school in person, wouldn’t we?

If you’re staying home who is there with you?

I live in a dormitory, so technically, there’s a lot of other people there, but I don’t really talk to any of them except for when we meet in the hallways or the kitchen or wherever, so really it’s just me, the stuffed animal my friend got me last year because I kept whining that I didn’t have a cat like her at her boyfriend’s place where she basically lives now, and the birds who come to eat from the bird house I put on my balcony.

If it makes you feel any better @we-are-not-amoosed, not that I think it will but hey, who knows, my twin sister is moving out in December, so I will be the only child at home with my parents during summer/Christmas/Easter break, which will be Not Fun. I’ll take another 1 ½ years for my degree, and another 2 if I do a master’s, so that’s about... 1-3/4 years I’ll be alone with my parents while my perfect sister gets to move out and move on and live Adult Life fully respected as an Adult working with renewable energy, as opposed to the Disappointment who takes 5 years for a 3 year degree in a field that’s hard to find employment in and never Does Stuff like my mother wants me to Do Stuff.

Are you a homebody?

I’m with @we-are-not-amoosed there, I didn’t know what that meant, but Pons says “Stubenhocker”. A bit I guess? I’m definitely fine being home by myself if I’m unbothered there (read: not at my parents’ when they are home) and I do need time by myself to recharge. But probably like everyone else, I crave and enjoy social contact a ton more than Before. I meet a friend fairly often (aka the only friend still here instead of home for distance learning), and today we worked together (handing out flyers which idk why the company pays us to hand them out, like 95% of them get thrown away immediately, but hey, we’re getting paid 🤷) and then went to sit by the river, and there were SO MANY people there, it was not *entirely* corona-compliant (but outside with town-typical wind, so it’s fine I think, with my non-existent knowledge about spreading of viruses and such), but honestly? I just couldn’t be bothered to care in that moment: it was warm and sunny, I was there with a very close friend, people were laughing and dancing to good music, it was just so GOOD to be there, almost as if Corona didn’t exist. The police even drove by like they always do to check for people smoking weed and didn’t say anything like usual, so hey. It was just so good, okay? So, homebody? Within reason, I guess, but less than Before, probably.

An event you were looking forward to that eventually got cancelled?

Oh boy, SO MANY. The one I’m most bitter about was a very prestigious international interpreting event, that would have involved me interpreting in the actual European Parliament building in Strasbourg. But there was also a festival week with my best friend I was looking forward to, maybe even a second festival with another friend, my company’s ten year anniversary party, etc. And Prides! I came out to my family in 2019, and was like “Yay, I can finally go to Prides now!” but well 🤷

DUDE SO MANY ARE YOU KIDDING ME

CONCERTS: 5SOS (I SHOULD HAVE heard “Old Me” in a crowd full of other people getting nostalgic for their past selves, but NO), Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles, Rock im Park aka GREEN DAY AND RISE AGAINST (I have been trying to see Rise Against for YEARS and ALWAYS something gets in the way!), one or two small local artists.

ERASMUS: I should have gone to Russia for a semester to improve my not-too-great speaking skills but Corona said FUCK YOU you will study ALONE and LONELY in your ROOM like a child on TIMEOUT

PRIDE: none in particular, just generally it would have been nice to go, maybe even with a friend to the one in Vienna

Also just general stuff like birthdays and get-togethers with friends, and my club’s annual get-together was cancelled too, and it would have been my friend, sister and my’s 10-year-anniversary, so that sucked to get cancelled.

What movies have you watched recently?

Movies? Pfuh, I don’t know, I’m not really into movies anymore, tbh. TV-series and games are more my jam.

Descendants 1 +2, I finally watched those after I read so much fanfiction that I knew the plot without having watched a single scene that isn’t a music video that youtube kept showing me. They’re nice enough, if you overlook the fact that they make a 16-year-old king while there’s still perfectly capable adults but whatever, there’s a lot of cute moments (Carlos and Jane omg) and a lot of funny ones (UMA. Is HILARIOUS), the music kind of slaps ngl, and arguably Mal + Evie are queer and in love. I still want to watch the third soon, and rewatch The Hunger Games since it showed up on my dash recently.

What shows are you watching?

Rewatching Julie and the Phantoms forever until the end of time (or until season 2 comes out @netflix, and I started Brooklyn 99 again for background noise/low-energy background watching. A friend recommended Ginny & Georgia and it’s okay enough, but it’s written in a way that makes you want to keep watching because there’s just such whack stuff happening that you want it explained; it’s 1h episodes though, that’s a bit hard on my attention span. I want to rewatch FMA:B some time, too.

What are you reading?

@we-are-not-amoosed said “tumblr posts and the texts I translate at work” and if that isn’t a Mood. I’d love to read more, but my attention span is shit and my reading comprehension even worse. I *am* reading “Explain to me like I’m 5” atm which explains stuff easily, like, well, you’re 5 years old, so you’d think a 23-year-old could understand, no? No. I read it, I vaguely understand some stuff, I close the book, and it’s G-O-N-E, not a single thing left. Literally the only thing I remember – and this is why I had to re-write ^^^all that because I needed to look up the English word for Windräder, if that’s even what they’re called in German but whatever I’m tired – is that insects and birds die a LOT in windmills when they get too close and get sucked in and can’t escape anymore, which is one of the reasons windmills aren’t as environmentally friendly as we thought when we built them. Anyhow, I’d love to read more, but idk, there are a lot of posts on here, some I’ve reblogged, that are like.. something something reading fanfiction is easier because you already know the characters and universe something something less mental energy something something idk. Yeah I mostly read fanfiction these days. I hope I’ll get back to reading books sometime soon-ish, I have a long list.

What are you doing for self-care?

Hm. I meet my friend I mentioned above pretty regularly, and I have a notebook that I write stuff in that was nice or made me happy when that happened (like today: working with my friend and then sitting among people by the river in the sun with said friend). I’m getting a tattoo next week (3 cat paws + 1 dog paw = technically my two cats and my late cat and dog, but well, two of them are dead, so I asked two friends for a paw print of their cat and dog, so I’ll always have those two with me, too). I try to make a to-do-list each day, but I rarely stick to it. I apply eyeshadow and body glitter if I want to, I dye my hair bright colors (think pink, purple, blue, red, maybe orange next). I always have chocolate in my room meaning I stopped depriving myself of food I like/food in general because it’s “healthier”/”I need to lose weight” etc. all that you know all those great reasons. I went to a doctor about my knee and it ended up being useless but I went, so.

I also went to see a therapist but she is very useless, like “ended our first session telling me well she doesn’t know how to help me/if she can help me at all/if therapy would even help me” kind of useless; I’ll go again next week and see if that changes or if next week will be the last week and I’ll go back to Dealing Like Before, which is not great but whatever. I’ve lived until 23 without therapy, surely I can keep doing it. Therapy’s expensive if it’s not covered (which this doctor IS which is why I went to her but it’s still a waste of time) and if it’s not gonna work/not gonna help me apparently or if there’s nothing actually wrong OR that therapist is just like, bad at her job, what’s the point of going yk?

Uggggh, I hope the swimming pools and Zumba class will be open again soon, Zumba (also with said friend) is AMAZING, easy fun exercise you don’t need any knowledge or skill for and you can hang out with your friend by the street after for an hour and say goodbye five times and then remember one more thing you wanted to actually still mention and stand there for another 20 minutes hjhjhj. Best times, truly.

Idk this is probably not self-care but I got a small job working with Austrian German and it gnetflix the chance to save up a bit and add it to my resume and also hopefully get my mother to shut up about my non-existent job prospects for a bit, so that’s kind of helping in making me feel a bit more like I’m Being An Adult (also because it means I have to learn how to change my insurance and finance department stuff now, yey).

Tagging: @languages-and-else @psychicbouquetblaze-stuff @the-real-daddy-van-der-bellen @sunsetcurveofficial if you feel like doing it, also sorry @we-are-not-amoosed it became such a rambled long answe on almost everything hjhjhj

#tag games #me talks #covid-19 #swearing #It’s a post about corona there Must be swearing

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dailyaudiobible · 3 years

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09/23/2021 DAB Transcript

Isaiah 41:17-43:13, Ephesians 2:1-22, Psalms 67:1-7, Proverbs 23:29-35

Today is the 23rd day in the month of September welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is a joy and an honor to spend a few minutes of this day with you around this Global Campfire that we make each day, it's oasis to let God's word wash into our lives. And, so, let's take that next step forward together. We are working our way through the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament and we’re just getting going in the letter to the Ephesians in the New. We’re reading from the Evangelical Heritage Version this week. Isaiah chapter 41 verse 17 through 43 verse 13 today.

Commentary:

Alright. I want to just requote Paul in his letter to the Ephesians just a couple of verses today for us to look at. “Indeed, it is by grace you have been saved.” Like we could just sit there, and we should. We should take each part of this and just contemplate it at different points of the day. “It is by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” Again, “this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance so that we would walk in them.” This is a reasonably well-known passage. You've probably heard it before, but have you ever just sat with it? “It is by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not from yourselves. It is the gift of God.” That is really really good news. That is the good news. You…you can't get good enough. You can't work yourself into this. That's not what's going on here. God is trying to offer a gift freely. Your part is to believe that the gift has been given and then life is transformed. And then what we do falls in line with who we are and who we are, according to Paul, is God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works. So, we can see that we have good work to do, and that good work is part of us being in Christ, But the fact that we can be in Christ, there is nothing we can do to make that happen other than believe because it is a gift, it does not come from ourselves. We cannot earn it in our own power, which also means this cannot be stolen from us. We could reject a gift. We could walk away and abandon the gift. We can treat a gift as it's…as if it's garbage but this gift is the restoration or renewal or re-creation, the making new of our inner selves. The transformation of our Spirit, the…the changing of who we truly are. Do we not spend our whole lives trying to tweak who we think we really are? And normally what we’re doing is trying to tweak our behavior, trying to tweak our personality so that it's more effective at coping with the world and getting people to do what we want them to do in some form or fashion, otherwise known as manipulation. What Paul is talking about here is so much deeper, so much deeper than all of that façade, all of that mask wearing. It is at the essence of what is core, what is deeply true of us, what is created in the image of God. This gift transforms us, changing everything about us, including what we do. There's like not a whole lot of better news than that. I mean would you rather have your…I mean this is an odd question…but the phone call that makes you rich or the awareness that you are being transformed into something that has the Spirit of the living most high God involved and within? I can't say much about the phone call that will make you rich but this second piece, this is already true. Let's spend some time contemplating it, contemplating this truth and what it might mean. That we can spend some time thinking about what this might mean, that we can live true, that this cannot be taken from us, that our identity no matter what anyone might say cannot be altered. We are children of God. Think about that today.

Prayer:

Holy Spirit, we invite You into that. It's the reality that's been spoken to us from the beginning. It's a reality that the Gospels reveal. You came and were willing to sacrifice Yourself in order to give us this gift. And yest we just kind of live as if it's just a thing, like it's just always been here, and it's just a thing. We’re just trying to figure it out and we’re just trying to be better when You have offered us the gift of utter and complete transformation if we will utterly and completely surrender to You. Come Holy Spirit, help us to think on these things today, we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

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And that is it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello, my DABalonians DABaruskis, my DABster's what's going down? This is Casey Sean Peirce from beautiful sunny Eloa. How are you today? I wanted everyone to join me in prayer if you could if you would be so kind for the beautiful Shemira Pierce my wife. Heavenly Father please bless Shemira and give her extra piece and extra joy and strength to…to do the things she needs to do in Jesus’ name. Amen. If anyone else wants to pray for her that’d be super cool. I'm not really that good at prayer. She recently quit doing all drugs and tobacco products and alcohol and she's got a lot of family issues that she's dealing with, that she's talking to a custody lawyer right now. We're handling a lot of kids in and out of the house and with different parents, her biological kids. Her mom lives with us. There was a reason she drank and did drugs, my wonderful wife and now that we don't that it kind of takes away what was protecting a lot of things that she needs to just overcome now. And, so, if anybody can help her with prayer to do the things that she needs to do that would be great. I love all you guys. God bless you and God bless your day.

Hey everybody my names Kara I live in North Carolina, and I just wanted to put in a prayer request for one of my friends. About 10 days ago she lost her son who's only 19 years old and it was very unexpected and suddenly. And his funeral was on Saturday. And I saw her for the first time since this has happened, and it just broke my heart to see her. And I just pray that she feels lifted up and comforted and finds peace. And I just I'm asking for all you guys to pray for her period she she's…she's having a hard time and she also has another son that's his…the other boy’s twin. So, I can imagine that would be very difficult. So, yeah if you guys could just pray for her and with her up, I would really appreciate it. I love this community and everything it stands for. And thank you Brian for having this community. It's definitely kept me going in difficult times. So, I appreciate it. Love you guys. Bye.

Heidi DAB family it's Shanda from South Dakota. I was doing my Bible study this morning and I felt prompted to call and ask for some prayer. We did our festival and it turned out great. Thank you for those prayers. However, my son was assaulted shortly after pretty badly. Had someone not stopped he feels like maybe he wouldn't have lived. And the people that are salted him are still threatening him. He feels like he needs to go buy a gun for safety. And I am praying for him. And I still have some fear. He's my baby. I'm just calling to ask for prayer for his safety. I'm just in this place of praying to the Lord and…and going back and forth. I trust the Lord and I trust His plan and I know He has plans for my son's life. I still just feel a little fear. I am praying for all of you, and I thank you so much for your prayers. Have a great day everyone.

Good morning, everybody this is God's Smile here. It's a beautiful morning and I just wanted to share a little…little __ I had with the Lord. As the lights are drawing in, I've noticed by the time I'm able to get down the stairs. And, you know, I only get about an hours’ light before I notice it starting to draw in. And I thought, wouldn't it be lovely if I could just get up in the mornings and be able to get downstairs physically. So, here I am at 9:00 o'clock in the morning. Thank you, Jesus for that. Isn't He great? He even hears the sighs of our heart. So, Brenda I would like to pray for you because you rang in about your mom in a nursing home and it's on lockdown due to COVID and it's not been easy on a dementia ward. And she's had a hard time remembering conversations and when she last saw your family. She loves the Lord. She's been a pastor’s wife for 35 years and she feels abandoned. Father God thank you that you’ve not abandoned Nancy. Thank you that Jesus lives inside her and Your precious Holy Spirit. Father I ask for Your peace to be…to abound Lord, that Your grace would impart Father and a stillness in Nancy's heart to know that everything's OK. And I know You do this with me Lord when I'm in distress and I have faith and trust in You that You will calm her and soothe her Lord and let her witness be from Brenda the next time she calls. And times ticking away and Bob’s chirping away. I'll have to go now guys. Kiss kiss. I love you. Bye-bye.

Good morning DAB family I've got a prayer request and also a praise report but before I start this story, I'm a bit sick so hopefully you can hear me OK, my voice sounds alright. But my praise report is that I…I got my university results back and I graduate with a first. And I can't even explain like. Like I got it like a week ago and every single day since, I just keep thinking about and I’m like oh my goodness, how on earth did I graduate with a first. Like so grateful, so happy and like I…I just owe everything to God because like if someone had told me I was going to graduate a first I would have been like oh, stop it. Believe it or not people said yeah you will, and I was just rolling my eyes like ok please like stop expecting so much from me. And I did. And I just…like it's honestly the weirdest feeling but like the best feeling at the same time. So, that’s some good news because I struggled a lot especially like balancing uni stuff and work. Well…I did it, but my prayer request is for my brother. He's just so lost. And like we had a conversation last night and it just honestly just made me really realize how lost he actually is, and it's just been on my mind like the whole night even when I was sleeping and when I wake up today. It's been on my mind like and like the love I have for my brother is so much like I don't love anyone else the same way that I love him, and I care for him, and I want him to add like have the best life he can possibly have. But like I just don't know what he's doing. And he's drifted so far away from God it's ridiculous. Like he's just…he's not even putting in any effort to spend time with Him. And like He's just doing…he's doing what he wants, and I don't know whether or not he cares that what he's doing is like not what he's supposed to be doing and if like…I just…I…I don't know but I just I guess I…I…I I'm just asking for you guys to pray for guidance and wisdom and for him to actually have a relationship with God…

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teriwrites · 3 years

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NaNoWriMo: Wrap Up!

I can’t believe another November has come and gone. I can’t believe something that I started doing in 8th grade just for fun has become such a big part of my life that, nine years and 10 nanos later, I’m still already excited about next November. It was through NaNoWriMo that I finished my first ever first draft of a novel (it was when I was 13, and it was absolute trash, and I love it). I’ve met countless friends, collected countless WIPs, and really driven home how important writing as a medium is for me.

Now that the sappy stuff is over, here’s some more fun stats and things:

End Word Count: 50,563!!

I did it! I hit the 50,000 mark yesterday, and then finished up the chapter I was on this evening. I knew going in that this month was going to be particularly hard on me - moving all my stuff home, exams, big research paper, all on top of trying to write part of a novel. And I was really nervous about how I was going to manage to keep up.

Somehow, I actually was more consistent this year than I’ve ever achieved before? 2020 was the first time that I ever managed to write every single day of November (even if one of those days was only 5 words and doesn’t even show up on the site’s little daily chart). And honestly I might be more proud of that than I am of actually hitting the big 50K.

It helped that my project was really fun this year. I haven’t always loved every moment that I’ve been working on Beneath Alder Creek - the usual bouts of loathing anything I put down on the page showed up as normal - but even when the quality itself was in question, the actual story never stopped being something I wanted to write.

I can’t possibly go through the whole thing and pick out all my favorite pieces right now (sometimes, prioritizing nano means falling behind on hw lmao), but here are a couple more recent snippets.

Excerpt 1:

The throne room was far smaller than Winnie had expected, especially coming from the front hall. It was strikingly similar in size and setup to a chapel, with rows of pews all facing a central pulpit. Only, rather than a lectern for a preacher, a platform was raised to draw focus to a large, golden throne. The throne itself was intricately beautiful, but Winnie hardly noticed it, too concentrated on the figure sitting upon it. Queen Ceridwen, Enid had called her. She was at once both divine and grotesque, white skin with dark veins that stitched themselves into a tangle of smaller lines, like the splitting of branches as they extended from the trunk. Her eyes and lips were black, or near enough to create a stark contrast, and matching, sleek horns stretched out from where her hairline ought have been. A golden crown jutted down to the tops of her cheekbones and tucked back behind her ear, extending up in spikes that shot out like a sunrise, each one longer than Winnie’s hand. Perhaps even more chilling than her appearance were her eyes. There was a fathomlessness to the darkness, the depth of shadows that brought with them the fear of the unknown. Though the Queen’s expression remained passive and detached, as Winnie stared at her, she had the feeling that the matriarch was not actually with them but making her observations from somewhere within those cavernous eyes. “Speak.”

Excerpt 2:

The music was still playing, but its calm, ambling tempo had quickened with Winnie’s heart rate, and its soothing, entrancing melody broke into a high, panicked frenzy, piercing through the forest. Birds that had been resting on branches took flight. The fish dashed through the water, twisting and thrashing. A line of ants at Winnie’s feet broke formation as they hurried away from the lake. But for all their terror, Winnie was drawn in all the more. One step. Her foot was beneath the water, but she no longer felt the cold. Two steps. The hem of her dress was wet, quickly taking on more weight. Winnie felt none of it. Three steps. Winnie was halfway up her calf in the lake, and the ground beneath her feet was steadily sloping down. Four steps. A sudden plunge up over her knee. The splash could not be heard over the urgent pipe. Five steps. Suddenly up to her waist. Winnie struggled to keep her balance, raising her arms to hold them above the surface. Six steps. It was more of a slide than a step, as Winnie hit the end of the decline. Only by lifting her chin could she keep her face out of the water. She had made progress, nearly halfway to the island. Seven steps, and a sudden tug at the back of her dress. Winnie was dragged backwards out of the lake, choking against her collar.

Excerpt 3:

Winnie paced silently between two large trees, hands clasped tightly behind her back. She had been doing so for several minutes, ever since discovering Taliesin’s abduction, and though Enid had begun by patiently watching, her claw-like nails drummed against her sleeve as she waited for the human girl to say something. Just as Enid took in a deep breath, preparing to interrupt Winnie’s clouded thoughts, the young woman stopped, turned to her companion, and asked, “Did you see which way they went?” “What are you planning to do, track them?” Enid asked teasingly, but her smile faltered at the solemnity in Winnie’s eyes. “You can’t be serious. You’d have no chance against a scout, they’re meant to move without a trace.” Winnie’s earnest gaze deflated into disappointment. As she stared down at the ground, past Enid, her eye caught Taliesin’s pack, still lying where he’d left it. A rush of hope filled her with renewed optimism. “Perhaps Taliesin left some kind of trail for us to follow! Something small, like breadcrumbs. That’s always how they mark their path in fairytales.” Enid leaned against a tree, examining her nails with disinterest. “Of course he doesn’t expect us to follow him. What reason do you have for helping him out, anyway?” The callousness in her voice was unexpectedly brutal. Winnie knew that Enid and Taliesin did not seem to get along, and likely that what little tolerance for each other they displayed was purely out of respect for the deal that had been made. But to show no care for his capture was a level of apathy that Winnie hadn’t expected. “I still have a deal that needs to be fulfilled.” It was true, and better, something that Winnie knew Enid might understand. The woman’s expression remained cold. “As I see it, you can cut him out of the deal. Our aims both lead us to the Dusk Court. You find your brother, I get help dethroning an advisor, and we go our separate ways.”

Excerpt 4:

Back into the bog. Winnie no longer worried herself with her skirts, allowing them to drag through the stagnant water. It was a mistake, she soon discovered, as the drenched fabric weighed her down and made the progress even slower. With an exasperated groan, she stomped at the ground, kicking up a spray and lodging her boot into the mud. Taliesin appeared at her side, having turned back while she was distracted. “Having trouble?” “Just tell me how much farther we have to go before we reach these all-knowing Three,” Winnie said darkly, glaring at him from beneath strands of hair that had come loose from the lopsided bun she’d attempted. “I think I have a better idea,” Taliesin offered. He reached out his hand, and Winnie let hers drop into it, clutching at her skirt with the other. Taliesin’s eyes closed, and Winnie felt the boot free itself from the mud. She breathed a sigh of gratitude, but quickly realized that her foot had not stopped there. She was no longer eye-level with Taliesin, but looking down at him slightly. The droplets from her skirt and shoes hitting the water below revealed that it was not the golden man who had sunk, but she was levitating a few centimeters over the ground!

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#nanowrimo #nanowrimo 2020 #writeblr #writing #my writing #teri writes #my wip #beneath alder creek #the last excerpt is from earlier on #but i didn't want to end on 3 lol #i'll probably post a couple longer things later on #especially since I haven't finished the draft yet

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fistsoflightning · 4 years

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10: words will not suffice

prompt: avail || masterpost || other fills || ao3 mirror

word count: 2111

Hien does not understand the Steppe as well as he thinks he does.

Spoilers for 4.4 MSQ, Steppe portion! Disclaimer: if you like Hien and don’t see any problem in what he does *both damn times* he goes to the Steppe in MSQ, you probably won’t like this much. I could probably go on for an entire post about Steppe headcanons and tidbits I just get Salty about, but I don’t think anybody would want to read me ranting wildly [/sweats]

In this past sun of serving as his moon’s right hand—not so much a burden as it is an annoyance, with how Oktai cannot speak, but his fair hand and open mind even with an Oronir in his bed is not one Magnai would trade for the simplicity of his time as reigning khagan—he has seen much. A conflict, once, between the Orben and Ejinn over the rivers and their bounties, and a minor conflict with Ura traders coming into Reunion with potentially volatile ores from the peaks that quickly turned into a threat when several Gesi hunters had bought the ores and turned the Steppe into a minefield overnight.

Oktai had handled those with grace, even with his sibling and fellow khagan away fighting wars for the Eorzeans they had cast their lot with. Hardly needed to wheedle respect from those who had seen him, either; he’d the same, unfortunate bleeding heart of his adoptive sisters, and the stubborn temper of Zaya within his breast, unable to let anyone go wanting despite their demands without bowing his head. It had taken a few guiding steps, Magnai leading for the first few turns of the moon, but so easily he had fell into it so long as someone could speak his wishes for him.

He’d hardly had the rancor he’d expected when Zaya came fumbling home to help their brother succeed in another Naadam, and even less surprised when the Steppe yet again claimed them both of the land, both khagan still. So few souls on the Steppe were possessed of such strong will; if he were Dotharl—never did he truly wish that, he thinks in a huff—he might think Oktai and Zaya two halves of a warrior’s soul. Perhaps the land itself thought the same, giving them the same rights usually won and worn by one.

This, Magnai thinks, stifling a sigh when he lifts his cup to his mouth to find the last dregs of his tea gone, is hopefully not the fall of Oktai from his well-deserved seat into a spiralling loss of control.

He has never seen Oktai so irritated as he does now, taking his pointer finger and sliding it across the side of his left hand for Magnai to see; his sign for when he needs meetings to end. Magnai wishes he could grant that wish, but seeing as how the lordling from Doma is still sitting resolutely at the other end of the table, Y’shtola of the Seventh Dawn seated by his side and Sadu—damned woman, demanding a spar before they could begin just to see if he deserved to be seated as the khagan’s aide—practically ready to sear lines into the table, he shakes his head. Oktai’s face falls momentarily, the light purple bags under his eyes from a fortnight spent resolving a sickness among the Gharl painfully obvious, but Hien clears his throat loud enough to snap Oktai back to attention.

Magnai, as much as he despises Sadu and her every way, cannot help but agree in her incredulous stare. The other khans and khatuns were right to leave under veil of browsing the stalls of Reunion, for the wants of their own tribes.

“The Oronir have no hand in this,” Magnai grouses as Oktai’s fingers tap irritatedly against the wooden table. By Azim’s grace, he will need a cup of tea after this, if not a skin of kumis to drown the bells he’s wasted speaking in circles with this stubborn man in. “But this is no matter of a single tribe. Still you manage to test us all.”

“My deepest apologies,” Hien says with the authority Magnai expected of a man raised into rulership. “but there is war on the horizon, and I would not suffer either of our lands being controlled due to a lack of communication.”

He does not scoff at his words—it is a very near thing—though a quick little smirk does emerge for a moment. Controlled. How self-aware is he, Magnai wonders, watching Y’shtola quietly side-eye her companion.

Oktai taps his arm, pulling his attention back to his hands; a few quick signs that Magnai hardly has the time to mull over, then a single finger held up, slowly pulled into a fist. Together.

He nods, and clears his throat, thoughts turning to weaving Oktai’s sentiments together in a way that doesn’t seem… dismissive. “As we have said, the House of the Crooked Coin falls under no sole tribe’s jurisdiction. It is a place deemed sacred to all those blessed by the Dusk Mother, from the most devout to even the Oronir, born as we are of the radiant Azim; She still deems us Hers, gifting this land with Her aether. The pillars in the Crooked Coin are no simple matter.”

“And by my reckoning, there is no issue should I gain permission from the other tribes, yes?”

Azim be merciful, he thinks, rubbing at the edges of the scales on his forehead. It is not even as noisy as the last few meetings Magnai had held as khagan in his rule, but he finds himself with a headache of the same manner regardless.

“Yes, but you—”

“You,” Sadu says, pointedly interrupting his train of thought; if Oktai had not laid his hand on his arm, a gentle hold on, let her speak in a single touch, surely this yurt would have devolved into messier infighting than that between a khagan and a king. “have not traveled far enough into our deserts to meet the Kagon; devout worshippers of the Dusk Mother. They will have your head for daring to suggest the thought, as would I. You mean to rush something that will easily take moons.”

The Dotharl khatun’s hands twitch against her arms, faintly gleaming with an abundance of fire aether that has Magnai wondering if he should call Daidukul to bring water.

Hien, ever blind, breaks the silence. “Cirina had told—”

Oktai’s low groan, accompanied by Magnai’s eyebrow twitching, is enough to stop Hien from continuing. The quiet noises of Reunion closing stalls and retiring fill the silence, uncomfortable as it is; a wonderful evening, wasted on hours of such tedious debate. Sadu looks distinctly unimpressed, because all his arguments, eventually, circle back to the Mol—and she lies in Cirina’s bed; this, Magnai understands well enough. The fire in Cirina’s eyes was not solely her own the last Magnai saw her, no longer wholly the ethereal maiden he’d thought he’d wanted, but even then.

“The Mol are… fearful, shall we say, of those with strength.” Sadu crosses her arms, glaring intensely at him. “Cirina is brave, yes, but not stupid. She knows who and who not to anger. Including…” She raises a hand, almost dismissively in manner, towards Hien. “You. Protector of her people when Nhaama��s child fell and shrouded our lands in smog. Warrior of the Mol, who fought valiantly for their safety during that Naadam two years past. She has led you to believe, perhaps—”

“That the other tribes might fall in line, yes. I suppose,” Hien pauses, tilting his head up to the ceiling. “‘Twould have been better if I’d brought Zaya along, perhaps. They’d seemed neutral to the plan, at most.”

Y’shtola, for the first time in several bells, clears her throat. “That was because they have been ignoring every word that spills from your mouth, not because of placid agreement.” Hien almost looks scandalized, in how his shoulders fall. “Forgive my interruption, I simply thought it prudent to be truthful than impressive.”

Oktai shakes his head in a pitying sort of way, frown hardset against his face from what little Magnai can see of his mouth from this angle, where his horns cover his expression.

“Leveraging the khagan with his sibling would not change the problem,” Magnai says, voice carefully measured.

“Then what would?” The Doman lordling comes forth with a renewed determination in his voice, despite how he scrabbles so for any foothold, any respect within this sole tent. “Surely we can come to compromise at least for long enough so I might consult with the other khans and khatuns, regardless of how long it takes. Surely you understand the dangers of the Garleans enough to—”

“Hien,” Y’shtola says, her voice a sharp, unforgiving breeze among the stifling atmosphere of the Qestiri yurt. “Enough. There is yet—”

“Is there?” Hien turns to his companion, and Oktai nearly slumps over the table, a sentiment Magnai himself reciprocates by crossing his arms firmly over his chest. How could two allies be so unable to reach a solid conclusion among themselves and hope to survive against the ironmen they fear so? “You had stated the lack of crystals in the Burn yourself; I’ve little reason to doubt there being no other deposit of aether nearby strong enough—”

Through Oktai’s hand, still resting atop his own, Magnai feels a shock of furious lightning crackle up his skin; not strong enough to harm but enough for him to know that when Oktai stands up in frustration and storms out of the yurt he has truly, finally hit his limit for the needless words of alliances and compromises from a ruler that has given no quarter, so used to his own homeland being drained of its own culture and sacred lands that he no longer sees wrong in doing the same to others subconsciously.

Magnai sighs in relief. He’d expected Oktai to allow this useless conversation to drag on longer.

“The khagan has spoken,” Magnai declares, standing from his seat. His tail aches something horrid when he stretches, kinks in his tail straightening out. The sun filters in slow through the crack in the canvas flaps, dust motes gleaming and covering Hien in a stark shadow as he remains seated. “If you truly think to convince all the tribes of your duty and its needs, first you must convince him.”

Hien’s brow furrows. “I had thought our discussion a long ways from over. The alliance?”

“The little sun has misspoken.” Sadu stands, and despite the insult Magnai is inclined to agree—he has, and now the Doman princeling has assumed. “Talks of alliances will wait. The khagan has left.”

“Certainly; quite rude of him, I might add.” Hien folds his hands in his lap, eyes misted over yet still hunter sharp, seeking a weakened point. “Has he not left his lands in danger, by denying us his approval before we have even begun to travel and visit the other khans and khatuns? Would he truly be so temperamental to quit the conversation ere we have truly begun?”

The harsh roll of Sadu’s eyes only serves to prove that, no, Magnai is not having some sort of nightmarish dream that if he pinches the scales on his nose hard enough he will awake in a Qestiri yurt instead. Shame that the only thing the two of them agree on is the merits of Oktai’s rule, and of how this discussion has long overgone its stay at this table.

Scratch the pot of tea. He will have to ask Taban for kumis if he wishes to rid himself of this horrible, horrible headache.

“If you cannot respect the time of the khagan and his people, you are not ready to speak of alliances,” he sighs. A shame; Hien is, rightfully, fit to be king—of his own people, of whom he has already earned the respect of, learned the needs and requests of like the back of his hand. “A full turn of the sun and still you have not learned, Doman, so I shall say it again.” He straightens to his full height, and Sadu barks out a laugh as she leaves the yurt, calling for Cirina and both their yols as she walks down the wooden steps. Hien, for his merit, does not turn to look bewildered at her, instead meeting Magnai’s stare.

“You have made mock of our ways since the very beginnings, Doman. Bardam’s Mettle is not a simple trial; our Naadam is not a little contest for you to win and tip the balance of our lands to win your wars. Even the Dotharl, respectful of warriors, have found you and yours wanting, and yet you continue to play at the role of magnanimous ruler. The Mol bow their heads to you out of respect for a savior and friend, not king; they let you live among them and you did not learn. Do not dare to presume so again,” he says, letting his voice rise and ring, and by the princeling’s side he sees Y’shtola shake her head. “Or you will find the khagan much less forgiving in hearing your useless words.”

#ffxiv #ffxivwrite #ffxivwrite2020 #magnai oronir #sadu dotharl #hien rijin #oktai qestir #my writing #elie's ffxivwrite2020 #tales from the blue #i like hien's personality! i fucking hate that he keeps taking advantage of the entire steppe and their beliefs!!!#i Really Wanted to Punch Him and Gosetsu during the naadam!!!! i am not sorry #anyways: elie rants via fic the ffxivwrite fill #watch out naadam MSQ im coming to rewrite you and dump my steppe headcanons onto everyone sdfnsndfnsd #s: solar eclipse #f...for magnai/oktai..

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drama-and-tv · 4 years

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First half of 2020 tv shows/dramas completed

SO apparently, my original blog “may contain sensitive media” (how my original blog contains them, I have no idea because I don’t think I have ever written nor posted anything that is inappropriate) so here I am, making a new one even though there are just so so many thoughts I poured in that blog since the beginning of 2018.

I wish I could put all of the contents from there here. But since I don’t know how to do that, I shall only put up my thoughts on the things that I have completed watching this year (2020) that I have put up from there.

With that being said, here they go... most of them in the original words that I had typed/written from last time. My only change will be the rating (now I shall use the numerical rating since I have figured how to rate things properly in numbers now) :

Season 2 of Sex Education was such a delight to watch! While I do feel that it lacks some Otis and Maeve’s interactions (and wtf is that cliffhanger?), I feel that the other characters are given the opportunity to flesh out and have really good story lines. Definitely a step up to Season 1!

FINAL RATING: 9/10

Bad news: The third part/season of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is the worst part of the show that I’ve watched so far. Good news: I still somewhat like it.

The main issue of this new-released part is how messy it is story wise. There are far too many things going on that it felt a little bit too chaotic - like there’s the Pagan storyline, there’s that Faustus storyline etc etc. It’s just too much.

What makes me still enjoy it is because of its characters. I am attached to the characters and I wanna see their journeys in this show. For instance, Ambrose and Prudence are probably the standouts in this season because they are just super badass here.

Overall, it’s okay. I would still watch this show when the new set of episodes are released.

FINAL RATING: 6/10

Honestly, Chocolate would’ve been better or ranked higher if they cut down the number of episodes - from 16 to maybe just 8.

Despite its melodramatic tone and ridiculous story line, I actually really enjoyed the initial episodes. I mean okay, the time jumps are a bit too much but I was sold on the emotions and the characters. It’s a melodrama, for crying out loud - it’s not meant to be realistic.

But then, for some unknown reason, it got draggy around the second half of the drama. And it affected my love for the drama. It was like they put a brake on the main plot and save for it the last episode (which it did).

This does not mean that it’s not a good drama. For the most part, I actually enjoyed it and I was invested in the characters’ journeys.

Just that it could be better.

FINAL RATING: 6/10

Honestly, Black Dog was not a drama I thought of watching. The posters and the plot did not make me feel compelled to watch it because for some reason, I thought this drama would be something like those corruption dramas or corporate dramas - while I can enjoy those kind of dramas, I do have to be in the ‘mood’ to watch them.

It was only when I started seeing some gifs/images over Tumblr that I started to consider it. And when more and more people raved about it, I knew that I just have to check it out.

And just like what these people said, it was good. A really good drama, actually! I think what I love about this drama is how realistic it really is. I like that I can actually relate to the world and the characters in the drama. While Haneul and I don’t share the same type of field, I can empathise with her struggles in obtaining/maintaining her employment and sitting for the certification exam. I can empathise with how she tries to navigate the world of school and teaching.

All I know is I have definitely cried or teared up in some of the episodes. (that’s really a feat cause the last time I cried like this in a tv show/drama is season 3 of Anne with an E and we all know how I feel about that show.)

I also love how there is a good balance between drama and comedy in this drama. While this is primarily a drama, I like that it doesn’t feel heavy. It makes it easier to watch multiple episodes in one sitting.

If there is one minor problem with this drama, it is that it feels like the main drama ends with 12 episodes and the remaining 4 episodes are the epilogue or extra episodes. While the remaining 4 episodes are still pretty good, it has somewhat cooled my love for this drama. However, I do appreciate it and it gives a good look at what happened after Haneul’s first year of teaching.

With that, I have contemplated on whether to give this drama the best rating I could give in the drama or the second best. Considering that there is barely any flaw in this drama, I shall give it...

FINAL RATING: 10/10

Season 2 of Kingdom did not disappoint. It maintained the same energy and intrigue that it brought in the previous season. There’s the excitement, there’s the high-quality production and there’s never really a chance for it to falter or drag. Its pacing remains consistent and I remain hooked to the end. I also like that this show does not end in an agonising cliffhanger - it wraps up the main plot that was introduced in the first season and at the same time, teases on what is to come in the possible season 3.

Overall, a really good season!

FINAL RATING: 9/10

I gotta admit, Crash Landing On You was a pretty nice watch! I initially had quite low expectations for this drama - I have hard time being truly engaged in big budget romcoms because they tend to be unrealistic and too fluffy (and I like my dramas pretty realistic).

But to my surprise, I actually really like it. The episodes (particularly the first half of the drama) were candies to the mind and to the eye! Yes, this drama is hella trope-y and there’s a lot of moments which are very unrealistic and are there to be flashy and amp up the romance. But you know, something about this drama just works.

Of course, like a lot of k-dramas, the second half of the drama is less addictive to watch. But it was still a pretty good watch. I mean, it got my mum really addicted and my brother to finally watch a k-drama beyond Kingdom after all these years.

FINAL RATING: 8/10

For someone who doesn’t know shiz about baseball, Stove League was still a very good drama to watch. It has that underdog story (in this drama, the under-performing baseball team for 2 years in a row, Dreams) that makes it easy to root for. It remained tight and consistent throughout its run. Its tone is very balanced - has good balance of serious and comic relief.

And most importantly, it’s not very hard to like the characters that matter.

Overall, very solid drama!

FINAL RATING: 9/10

When the Weather is Fine is really a good drama to watch at the moment, during the midst of this current pandemic. Even though initially (the first episode) it did not win me over due the drama’s slow pace, I gradually enjoy watching it regardless of its pace and eventually, I was hooked.

This drama has a very calming and “healing” aspect to it even though the subjects dealt can be serious. I like that even though there’s some serious issues here, the drama remains well-balanced and still has plenty of light-hearted scenes. Lim Hwi (the male lead’s younger sister) is definitely my favourite character in this drama as she brings a lot of sunshine to the table with her innocent teen self. Also, the comforting presence of the community (whether it being the Good Night Book Club member or the people/families in the neighbourhood etc) along with naturally serene setting make the drama feels warm.

With that, I recommend watching this drama, especially to anyone who wishes to seek comfort and feel warm.

FINAL RATING: 8/10

Netflix’s Never Have I Ever was an unexpected treat for me. I did not know the existence of this show prior to its release. I did not see any of its promos/trailers etc. So there was no expectations whatsoever prior to watching it.

My brother and I only happened to stumble upon it when trying to find something to watch on Netflix. So you can say that this was a present that came out of nowhere because as soon as I just went into it (within the first few minutes), I already really like it!

This show was funny. It was relatable as someone who comes from an Asian background. And most importantly, it has plenty of hearts. Trust me, I was tearing up when watching the last two episodes of this season (I sincerely hope that the show will be renewed for the next season).

Definitely a really nice show to binge quickly as it only has 10 half-hour episodes.

FINAL RATING: 9/10

Find Me in Your Memory was a pretty decent watch. Yes, it is a very standard kdrama in the sense that the plot is very very generic and there are so so many obvious tropes here. However, its characters and the chemistry of the main leads still made it worth a look. This drama might not be the most unforgettable or unique drama out there, but it is very easy to watch and it makes a good addition to anyone’s watchlist if you want something straightforward and not complicated.

FINAL RATING: 6/10

Man, A Piece of Your Mind could have easily been this perfect drama that I’ve ever watched this year had it only retained its original length. It is not to say that this drama is not good - it is as of now, actually one of the top dramas among the dramas I’ve watched this year.

This drama basically fits the type of drama I typically love: a realistic drama which examines more on its characters and focuses on emotions etc. Yes, I know people have complained that it is very slow but to me, that was part of its charm. I love slowly getting to know its characters and how they are feeling etc. I like being emotionally connected to them and follow on their journeys.

So I’m just sad the drama was cut from 16 episodes to 12 (reason being because of its low number of audiences). While the drama did its extreme best in making it work and it does not affect the main plot of the drama other than speeding things up nor does it really diminish my enjoyment for this drama, I’m just sad on what could’ve been if they were able to keep the extra 4 hours to the story. Like, we could’ve gotten better exploration on the characters etc (especially for instance that character who was played by the evil mother in law from Search: WWW and the Eunjoo’s Homestay residents and even frigging Hoon, Hawon’s colleague... like why was he even in the grandma’s house in the countryside?) . Things would’ve been more... organically unfold.

Despite all this, I still really enjoy watching this drama and I still remain invested in the characters’ journeys etc. Our main leads’ relationship feels warm and comforting. The vibe of this drama is just my kind of taste. And most importantly, I feel comforted watching it until the end.

FINAL RATING: 9/10

With that being said, those are some of the shows/dramas that I have completed up until now. Others that I have completed are season 2 of The Sinner (5/10), ITV’s Belgravia (6/10), Netflix’s The Circle France (soooo entertaining with plenty of drama and strategies, 8/10), season 18 of American Idol (8/10) and most recently, Netflix’s Extracurricular (I will eventually share my thoughts on it soon).

Stay tuned.

#tv #kdrama #completed #s education netflix #chilling adventures of sabrina #jtbc chocolate #tvn black dog #kingdom netflix #crash landing on you #stove league #when the weather is fine #never have i ever #find me in your memory #a piece of your mind #the sinner #belgravia #the circle france #american idol

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talesofafangirlwithadvr · 4 years

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JULY PICKS!

You heard me correctly, I said JULY! Whoosh, this year is going by fast-but not in a good way if you know what I mean. This will be my last monthly wrap up where I am strictly staying home in quarantine as this upcoming week I’m heading back to work in person. Wish me luck!

We had quite the range this month from newly released, reality, musical and then some favorites from last month that I’ve continued watching. Without further ado here we go....

There’s going to be PLENTY of SPOILERS this go round. ESPECIALLY with my first pick of Stargirl. You’ve been warned!!!

DC’S STARGIRL

I need to talk about 1x10 or I’m going to burst!!! As stated above there will be A LOT of SPOILERS IN THIS POST!! So scroll down to the next picture if you don’t want it to be spoiled.

You’ve been warned...again.

IT CANNOT END LIKE THAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Henry! Wow! 1) Epic fighting 2) The backstory and how he wasn’t going to give up on his dad AND THEN how he wouldn’t give into his dad. 3) HE DIED RATHER THAN JOIN HIS SIDE OR PRETEND (which I honestly felt was going to happen). His character arc and I can’t believe it’s over!!! 4) His speech at the end: *weeping.* I knew Brainwave was going to say he killed his mother. It just felt like the build up. Brainwave Jr. would have been a GREAT ADDITION TO THE JSA! AND OMG THE WAY THE REST OF THEM FOUGHT FOR HIM! I loved how they framed it so you could still see them in the back when Henry spoke to his father. Super heartbreaking. Man, it feels like a lot of people have been killed off this first season (or am I just still thinking about Joey?)

Side note: Check out the Instagram Live between father and son Brainwave on Stargirl’s CW page. Jake Austin Walker did an AWESOME interview in his take over.

This was one of the strongest episodes overall and definitely one of my favorites so far. I agree with many others that while it is SOO GOOD and I want to rewatch it again, I don’t know if I can emotionally yet. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way about a show.

Some other thoughts this episode: WAY TO GO BARBARA! Way to record them to translate later (such an awesome app btw, how do I get it?). I’m glad her and Pat came more to an understanding because I love them especially with that glimpse into how they met. Jordan’s parents give me the creeps, like the couple from The Visit vibes. I feel like Mike’s got to find out ASAP, especially because he’s spent time in the garage. Something’s got to show him the truth; because I’m really feeling he figures it out rather than being told. Very curious to see what his reaction will be. SOLOMON GRUNDY. Thank God Beth talked Rick down. She really is like Chuck in being the voice of reason. She did really well in the cafeteria too. While I still don’t believe Starman is Courtney’s dad, how cute was it when she put together her and Henry were cousins? Speaking of Court’s dad, who else didn’t feel like Starman was her dad until they saw that upcoming promo? I don’t know who that impostor is but he is not her dad. Something’s fishy.

Loving this show. So happy it’s renewed for a second season!!

THE 100

From a show I can’t get enough of to one whose final season is a disappointment. I’m not going to spend too much time talking about The 100 because I feel I’ll just be repeating myself from previous posts. However, I did want to include it because I haven’t spoken much about the previous 2 episodes that I wound up watching back to back and I didn’t overly dislike them.

As many have complained, when you have a final season you shouldn’t introduce SO MANY new characters and just push aside your originals (or the ones who are left). You also shouldn’t include so many confusing plots that are making it look like were the main points overall (like this many world concept was around since the first grounders) and playing with time in so many episodes is hard to keep up with too. Having so many people separated makes it difficult to remember what just happened to this specific group because I haven’t seen them in forever. ANYWAY, I did promise some positives. I didn’t except to like 7x08 because of it being a flashback episode with brand new people that was just going to feel like a potential spin-off pilot. Well...I actually really enjoyed it and the concept that the bunker was used before One Crew. The characters were easy to like and it was cool seeing Allie again (and this time not as the villain). While it felt forced including the orb (is that what it’s called? If not that’s what I’m calling it), but I liked how all the other pieces fit together (ex: the flame, the grounders’ language). Honestly, I surprise myself to say this, but I’d watch another episode. For 7x09, I liked being on Bardo and watching Octavia, Echo, Diyoza and Hope slowly get “brainwashed” I mean trained. We all knew it wouldn’t work for Hope and if I was them I would rather be on Sky Ring than Bardo (but then I guess I’d go crazy, so...) I enjoy the Octavia and Levitt relationship and would love them to work out, but if this show taught you anything it’s to be skeptical. I also want to shift to the Primes plot, just to showcase John Murphy for a second. THAT MAN! What a character development he’s had on this show. From the first season where I was like come on Murphy to now me awaiting his scenes. From cockroach to someone who won’t view himself as a hero. So good and something that is fantastic about this final season. They might have forgotten about other characters, but they’re doing it right by Murphy.

Well, that was more than I was expecting. ;)

THE CIRCLE

It feels like I haven’t watched a lot of reality TV this year, which makes sense because of our quarantine situation (but then again I’m watching World of Dance, but that’s a different because it’s more of a competition/dance show. I’ll stop rambling). The Circle is a reality ‘game’ show that could be easily completed during quarantine and social distancing because the contestants do not see each other in person. They each have an apartment in this complex and only communicate with each other on a social media platform called the Circle. The objective is to become the most popular and an influencer who gets power over who stays and who goes in the competition. There’s some side contests throughout, but most of the show is just people chatting through an insta messenger and trying to learn as much as they can. Alliances are formed and cat fishes try to thrive all for the grand prize of $100,000. (Wow, that’s a lot!) It is SUPER addicting and very funny. Having a voice-over narrator really makes it even funnier because she says what we’re all thinking. Just about every episode a contestant leaves and then is able to meet one other person in their apartment. It’s been cool seeing their reactions as oftentimes it’s someone they did not expect AT ALL. I can’t wait to finish it. If you’re a fan of Big Brother than this is definitely for you. Looks like there will be a second season, which I am excited about.

THE BABYSITTERS CLUB

Jumping from one Netflix show to another. Released on Netflix on July 3rd, I tried not to binge it all in one day because then it would be over (and we still don’t know if there will be a second season yet). This is definitely my feel good watch for July. If you want something that’s a quick watch and just wholesome and fun to escape our current world than this is for you. I always felt so happy after watching and couldn’t wait to watch another. While I was familiar with the franchise--the 90s movie and of course the books (although I was more of a Babysitter Little Sister fan, so I was very excited to see Karen), you don’t have to have any knowledge of the Babysitters Club to enjoy this show. I was hooked just about right away by this new series shown by me watching the first three episodes back to back. I really like how they set up each episode with one girl as the main focus (just like in the books) where she takes over the voice-over narration. Great representation and made modern to fit in with our current times. The first example that comes to mind is when Mary Ann babysits Bailey who is transgender. I liked how Bailey says those are her old clothes while they’re playing. It’s shown in a way that explains the situation without feeling like a lecture. It fits so naturally into the episode. And then Mary Ann’s speech at the hospital is super powerful for both Bailey and herself. This is just one example of how well represented this show is. Extremely strong cast and actresses who are the proper ages. I also love the adult casting and how they threw in a Clueless reference from Alicia Sliverstone (who plays Kristy’s Mom). As someone who is writing for this age group, I really liked hearing and seeing how authentic this show is.

FEEL THE BEAT

A Netflix original movie that has been on my list for a while that I just got around to watching. It didn’t come out too long ago. In the film, Sofia Carson’s character is a dancer who is a perfectionist. She gets on the bad side of a big NYC producer when she not only leaves her in the rain as she steals her taxi, but also knocks her, accidentally, off stage and becomes a viral video-this basically blackmails her in Broadway. This all happens within about the first 10 minutes of the film and the majority takes place back in her small home town (very Hallmark-like) in Wisconsin. While there her old dancing teacher wants her to share her Broadway wisdom with her young students. Meanwhile Carson has only been a chorus girl, so she doesn’t really have any. What draws her to helping the young girls is the chance to perform in front of a big choreographer that could get her to be the star she always dreamed of. The catch is that it’s the teacher dance in the childrens dance competition. While this might sound like a movie you’ve watched many times before, it was still worth it and a really fun watch. I think the kids really make the movie. They are adorable, funny and super talented. You feel connected with them really fast and want to see them succeed. I loved Dickie and how he joined the group. I think he was my favorite overall. I loved how inclusive the cast was here too (just like BSC) from a mixed race family, to single parents and even a student who was Deaf. It was great seeing the other actors sign to her. Carson’s character, April, can be annoying at times, but you understand it’s her character and something she needs to overcome. As I said before the plot may seem familiar, but the ending was something I didn’t see coming. Overall, wholesome, feel good and fun for the whole family. You can consider to watch while babysitting. (See what I did there??)

VIOLETTA SEASON 2

She’s back! I know last month when I included Violetta it was mainly me being excited to see the second season FINALLY streaming on Disney Plus. I had watched a few episodes (remember there’s 80 altogether, so even if I watched 20 that’s still very early on and just a dent in the season) and was still getting used to this season. Well, now I’m happy to report I am in the 40s and more than half way. For a bit I was watching many of these episodes a day, which told me that I was loving it again. Recently, I feel I need a little more of a push to watch, but it’s mainly because of certain story-lines that feel like they’re dragging. (For example: Violetta’s voice. One minute it’s fine and the next she’s like dying). For this section I have two words: LOVE TRIANGLES. And I’m not just talking about Violetta, Diego and Leon. For a bit it felt like each character had their own love triangle, which honestly I was loving. These characters have definitely developed a lot from last season, which allows this to happen. Olga was in a love triangle, which just recently got resolved. I think German is still in one because of his alter ego Jeremias. Jackie was “kind of” in one. For her it was more of a misunderstanding, which is very classic on this show. Lots more secrets have been uncovered in these episodes as well as songs! You know how excited I am for those. Overall, I think I’m still enjoying season 1 songs more (which get referenced enough in this season), but some of the season 2 ones are really growing on me. Specifically Leon’s Entre dos mundos and when he sings with Diego Euphoria in English. Also, Yo Soy Asi has been real catchy. I know Frederico will be coming back soon and I can’t wait to see him again!

HAMILTON

Like many I watched Hamilton this month-actually on the day it came out. It’s been a musical that I’ve been intrigued by, but never thought I’d get a chance to watch because of how popular and expensive it is to see on Broadway. So, I was very excited to hear I’d get the chance when it was to be released in theaters for a special event. Then because of Corona it was released to Disney Plus, which was EVEN more convenient and exciting. I really enjoyed it and watched it twice within the same week. I immediately downloaded the playlist and started singing it around the house. I do this a lot with many of the plays I see, but depending how good they are is shown by how long I listen to the soundtrack. (Some of my top ones are Bandstand, Once, Newsies and Anastasia.) Because there are so many songs in Hamilton it is taking me a little longer to know all the words, but I feel pretty confident with the first act. It was the perfect timing for this to be released on Disney Plus. Not only because it was July 3rd, but also because of the world we are living in. Lin’s diverse cast brings to life the world of 1776 and the revolutionary war (as well as the time after it), but it’s such a strong commentary on our world today. This is something I am continually noticing with historical dramas/pieces being released within the last 5-10 years. It feels like there’s more we can say in this genre than in a commentary piece. I also like all the analysis videos I’ve seen popping up, which just make it even more powerful. (Like it being Eliza’s story and her putting herself back in the narrative. That the play Hamilton is named for both her and Alexander.) I don’t know if all of what I see were intentional, but either way well done. I hope it doesn’t leave Disney Plus soon.

1917

And lastly, 1917. I promised quite the range this month and you can see that’s definitely the case. I always enjoy watching war films and with 1917 there was so much hype (both before it came out and after) that I was interested to give it a watch. Giving the movie to my dad for father’s day felt like the perfect excuse to be able to watch it. Even though our DVD stuck in a few places (still don’t know if it was the player or the DVD itself), the film was very entertaining and I would suggest it to anyone who is a history/film buff. Taking place in WWI, we follow two British soldiers as they attempt to deliver a message about an upcoming ambush that could take countless lives. I feel that I often watch more films revolving around WWII, so it was very interesting to be immersed in the first great war. After watching I am not surprised that the film was up for so many Oscars. While cinematography is the first thing everyone discusses when it comes to this movie (and it should be because the one shot/long shot is sooo impressive and beautiful to watch. It really brings you into the scene and has a way of making you feel like you’re there too. There’s a realness to it that’s raw and new compared to other war films I’ve watched in the past), there’s so much more to this film too. First, I like how it connects back to Sam Mendes’ grandfather, so while it’s not a true story it has real facts in it. I LOVE the score and music to this film. In the scene where George Mackay runs at night through those ruined buildings I could really hear how well the music worked with the action. Because of this I made sure to listen to some of the soundtrack and now I’ve added some of the songs into my writing playlist. I have chills just thinking about it. The other point I want to bring up is the cast! While there are SO MANY big names in this film from Colin Firth to Benedict Cumberbatch, the two main characters are played by George Mackay and Dean Charles Chapman and they are the ones with the most screen time. If their chemistry and acting wasn’t so great then the movie wouldn’t be as successful as it is. Because of this I have been watching non-stop YouTube interviews of the two of them for this film.

They are so well-spoken, stand-up guys and I can’t get enough of their dialogues with each other and others. (You should watch these interviews too). While familiar with Chapman’s time on Game of Thrones, I haven’t seen him in much else, so I’m excited to see what he’ll have in the future (as well as checking out his IMDB page). For Mckay, I’ve seen him before when I just watched Ophelia earlier this summer so that was my first time watching him act. After that film I was curious what else he was in, but it was only after 1917 that I started doing more research. So far, I’ve only been able to watch the short film he was in called Infinite. While only 17 minutes it was very strong and deep. I highly recommend. As I’ve shared on this page already, in another post, the more I hear him talk the more of a crush I am developing. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced a celebrity crush this strong so soon. This quarantine has to end so I can make it to England to just casually bump into him like one does. :)

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moneypedia · 3 years

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How to Defend Against False Accusations: A Personal Defense and 5 Guidelines to Protect The Truth

August 5, 2018 By Drew Shepherd

[Note: This post contains details about an undiagnosed case of borderline personality disorder (BPD). These details are included for informational purposes only, not to spread hate towards people with the illness.

If you or a loved one have been diagnosed with BPD, however, you may want to avoid this article.]

Guilty until proven innocent.

That’s the new norm these days.

Our current social climate has made it empowering to be a victim. And any abusers left standing must be exterminated—whether they’re guilty or not.

Please don’t think I’m downplaying the experience of actual victims though.

I know what it’s like to be among the lowest of society, and the struggle of real victims is part of the inspiration behind this site.

But the inconvenient truth is that all these “abusers” aren’t the monsters they’re made out to be.

Why do I say that you ask?

Because I’m one of them.

And this is my story.

The Accusation(s)

During my early twenties, I got involved with a girl who I later realized had borderline personality disorder (BPD).

I’ve already written about the experience and I’ve alluded to it multiple times since. So please read that article before this one if you haven’t already.

BPD is a serious mental illness, but most people have never heard of it, let alone know how to diagnose it.

If you’re not aware of how people with the disorder act, this post will come off as a rant against an innocent girl who liked me—which couldn’t be further from the truth.

But to summarize, the most notable symptom of BPD is the inability to regulate emotions. It’s a symptom so powerful that a sufferer’s feelings can define his or her reality. And this is what leads to many false accusations.

Manipulation, emotional abuse, cheating, promiscuity—she publicly accused me of all them.

It’s part of the process of “painting someone black.” The BPD person goes through cycles of both extreme love and hate for their loved one, but once the relationship ends, the other party is permanently devalued.

Of course this treatment is reserved for those in close relationships with the BPD sufferer. Outsiders will only see a victim pleading her case.

I’ve stayed quiet on these accusations so far since most of them don’t have any substance, but I unfortunately made one mistake that appears to give her claims some validity.

So I’m sure that she already has, or eventually will use this evidence against me. And if her false accusations were to gain traction, they would not only destroy my reputation, but also the legitimacy of the message I present on this site.

The latter is my primary reason for defense.

I’ve always said that the Bible is the basis for my moral judgment, and that couldn’t be more important than in sexual matters.

Now do I always control my lustful impulses and thoughts?

And do I always prevent myself from viewing images I shouldn’t see?

No.

I’m a Christian but I’m still a sinful human being. Controlling lust is part of the lifelong battle against sin in the Christian life.

But when it comes to things like fornication and adultery, I’ve held true to my stance on abstinence.

And as tough as it is to be a twenty-something with this stance in our sex-saturated world, it’s beyond frustrating to be accused of doing the complete opposite.

I’m an ambassador for what I believe. And I can’t allow anything on this site—faith-related or not—to be diminished because of one person’s claims.

So I’ll go into detail here about what really happened, and then I’ll show you how to defend against false accusations once and for all.

Drew “The Player”

I’ll preface my story with a little background information.

I was going into my last semester in college, and it had been about a year since I saw my accuser in person.

Things didn’t end well between me and her the last time we were “together.” But I was admittedly still interested in her—even with all the red flags.

It appeared that both of us were sad with the way the first go ‘round ended. So I foolishly tried to work something out with her before the semester started.

To my surprise, I was ignored and indirectly shot down.

How a normal girl would’ve reacted

It hurt pretty bad after putting myself out there for someone I thought still cared. But rejection is a part of life, so I moved on.

What’s crazy though, is that she changed her mind at some point afterwards. And even though I never got a direct response from her, she apparently assumed we were in a quasi-relationship.

Now fast forward to February.

It was the week of Valentine’s Day. And while I did still think of her, I wasn’t sending a Valentine’s Day anything to a girl who I didn’t trust, who now lived in a different state, and who couldn’t even respond to my direct communication.

The only reason I entertained the thought of us getting back together—if we were ever truly together in the first place—was because she hoovered me back in.

Hoovering is a term that describes actions similar to what its namesake, the Hoover vacuum does.

It’s a tactic people with personality disorders subconsciously use to suck loved ones back in after a failed relationship.

In this case, she used one of the social media apps we both had to convince me that she was open to a renewed relationship, and that she had changed for the better.

But at this point, I was just focused on schoolwork because I had no clue what this girl was thinking.

I had a senior project for an external company that took most of my time that semester.

My project group and I met just about every weekday. And at the time, we were all trying to meet a deadline coming up the next week.

The day after Valentine’s Day, one of my teammates mentioned that we should go play trivia at a local bar. But being the introverted party-pooper I am, I declined.

My schedule involved waking at around 5:30 each day. My teammates were always out too late for my liking, and I knew I’d never make it back in time to get enough sleep if I went.

So I gave the whole, “Thanks, but no thanks” spiel even though I knew they wouldn’t let me off that easy.

Our team was a pretty tight group—especially for four people who were assigned to each other at random.

We had a ton of inside jokes by the end of the semester. And they were the first to tease me at graduation because my honor stole nearly fell as I walked across the stage.

So naturally, they all had a good laugh at me for not wanting to miss my bedtime.

Of course it was all playful fun though. I did get back at them numerous times over the semester, but I’ll admit that I have an off-kilter personality that lends itself to being teased.

So anyway, we went our separate ways and I headed to bed.

The next day, I saw an email from the night before saying that I was invited to a school-specific social app. I didn’t see the email until the early morning though because I went to bed early.

I had never heard of the app before and I was skeptical. So my first thought after waking and reading the email was, “What the heck is (app name here)?”

My second thought was, “Who’s the funny guy who sent this?”

Now I knew it was someone who previously had my email address.

Of course any student could have pulled that info from the school’s directory, but I doubt anyone would have gone through the trouble of searching their class roster, finding me, and then using my email address for the sake of hitting me up on an app.

So it had to be someone with whom I worked with closely or had a personal relationship with.

With these facts in mind, I falsely concluded that it was a prank from my teammate that the rest of the group was in on.

They had just gone out together the night before. And they always found a way to mess with me—even when I wasn’t around.

So just like any other time I felt I was being pranked, manipulated, or taken advantage of, I played along with the hope that the other party wouldn’t realize until it was too late (and this has been my M.O. since I was a kid).

But doing this, in hindsight, was a terrible idea.

Any form of participation on what I later realized was a hookup app would paint me in a bad light. And the consequences of my actions weren’t as clear at 5:30 in the morning.

After I made a quick profile—complete with pictures no man would ever use if he was truly seeking casual sex—I waited about 15 minutes for a response that never came.

Then after realizing how bad my actions could appear without context, I quickly deleted the app and went on with my day.

I’m not sure if I completely wiped the profile I created. But since the app was lesser-known and low key about its hookup aspect—it’s not like I signed on to Tinder—I figured this wouldn’t be a problem.

Outside of my own actions with the invite and the app though, I don’t know anything else. But there’s a chance that a troll profile made 10 minutes after I woke could end up biting me. And that’s why I’ve chosen to address it.

Now, I’m almost certain this invite was from my accuser. And I still kick myself for not recognizing the true source of the bait.

My actions gave her the apparent confirmation that I was “playing the field.” And within the week, she either started, or just made it obvious that she was sleeping with another guy to spite me—a wild and disproportionate response to the thought that your S.O. may be seeing someone else.

So once I confirmed that this actually happened, I ghosted her and all her drama, focused on my schoolwork (which led to my first 4.0), and then went along with my life.

People with BPD are notorious for doing stuff like this. It’s the reason why a popular book covering the illness is called Stop Walking On Eggshells (affiliate link):

They’ll cry about a lack of communication but then ignore you when you reach out to them.

They’ll go on about how lonely they are while sleeping with one of their (or even your) “friends” behind your back.

They’ll say you’re too stupid to complete a task but discredit you when you do it, and then raise the bar higher so you won’t reach the new mark.

After a while you won’t know what to do because she’ll never be satisfied. And everyone else will chalk it up to you not knowing how to treat a woman.

No-win situations and constant testing are common to those in relationships with these people—especially in regards to anything sexual. So I presume the invite was a test to see if I was some dirtbag who would cheat on his partner.

Now I’d hesitate to call it cheating either way since she ignored my attempts to directly communicate, and I had no idea what our relationship status was.

But the other “fact” she gathered was that I was a player who enjoyed casual sex (an assumption that would have driven a younger me mad with laughter).

Look, I understand that I don’t have a squeaky-clean Christian boy appearance—going through trials doesn’t purify the outside after all.

But that doesn’t mean I partake in the same activities those who look like me may be into. And it for sure doesn’t mean that my moral character is anything different than what I present on this site.

Of course it doesn’t help that I’m black either…but I won’t go down that road.

I should also note that I don’t have a personal Facebook or Instagram account. So it’s tough for others to know much about my life unless they read this site or talk to me or my loved ones personally.

This blank space makes me an easy target for accusations since I can be unknowingly attacked through mediums where I can’t defend myself. And there are no videos of me playing with my dog to fill the holes left by my “shady” lifestyle.

Usually this isn’t a problem as most of the people I meet don’t care about my online presence. But of course there’s always one person who assumes the worst case scenario. And it’s sad that in my case, this person was someone I genuinely liked before.

These obsessive behaviors were nothing new though:

This same girl cried sobbed in the middle of one of our classes—when we were both in our twenties mind you—because I didn’t initially return her interest.

She would go from spaced-out to depressed and then stare at me like it was my fault.

She even accused me of cheating after seeing a pic my mom took of me when I was at dinner with my family.

So you can imagine the relief I felt when I closed the door on that for good.

At this point, the only ones who still believe her lies—or to be fair to the illness she has, her reality—are people I’ve never met.

But I’m not even mad anymore. I’m just annoyed that my life is still negatively affected because I fell for the wrong girl.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the honest truth.

How to Craft Your Defense

So now that my story’s out of the way, how do you fight your own false accusations?

It’s not too difficult.

Just follow these 5 guidelines to protect yourself in both the present, and the future:

1) Remember the Alibi

As tempting as it is to piece together a story that makes you look like a saint, you have to ensure the truth you present is actually…well, true.

Since I couldn’t remember all this off the top of my head, I dug through my old emails and group conversations to get the timeline right. And I could always use them again if legal action was involved.

It also helps that I have an archive of posts here that clearly present my personality and the mistakes I’ve made.

You can even compare this post to the one I wrote on BPD earlier and you’ll see numerous similarities. If anyone thought I was lying, they could search the other 40+ posts here too to see that the story adds up.

But if you don’t have thousands of words as supporting evidence, just take your time, breathe, and write down what happened as best as you remember.

False accusations can cloud your memory when you first hear them, and your emotions will push for a raw defense. But if you start writing what you remember, you can put that passion to good use now, and update your writing later with more facts.

A story set in writing will be a great resource to have. You don’t want to lean on your memory or your speech when the pressure’s on.

If you write down what happened, you’ll also find other bits of evidence you’ll need to prepare your defense. And if your audience is really concerned with the truth, they’ll take all the info they can get.

2) Compare the Fruit

Perhaps the easiest way to expose the shakiness of false accusations is to note the shakiness of the accuser’s lifestyle.

This is by far my least favorite technique though since it appears to be an attack on character instead of the accusation itself. But understand that those two targets aren’t mutually exclusive.

A person who usually acts one way is almost certain to do it again.

And no, that fact isn’t judgmental. It’s simple probability.

This is going to sound like I’m bragging about my accomplishments and attacking her character, but let’s compare some notable points about my life and my accuser’s:

I improved to at least a 3.5 GPA in my last four college semesters within a STEM major. But I’ll admit my accuser was booksmart, so we’re pretty much even there.

I have never gotten blacked-out drunk (or even consumed alcohol). I have never taken an illegal substance. And I have never lived a promiscuous lifestyle. My accuser has done, and probably still does, all three.

I landed a stable job in my field more than a month before I graduated, and I’m still employed there today. My accuser barely held a job as a bar server about a year after graduating with the same degree.

Again, I don’t like expressing my achievements, and I never want to attack anyone’s character. We all make mistakes, and I made one of the biggest mistakes any student ever will (which she contributed to by the way).

But when someone’s lifestyle displays a clear pattern of incompetence, recklessness, and mental instability, the validity of their claims also takes a hit.

And that’s without mentioning that I’ve written the equivalent of a book here at HFE—a site where I cover my own shortcomings just as much, if not more than my accomplishments—on my own time and dollar because I believe it will help others.

So knowing all this, let me ask you, who do you think is telling the truth?

A tree’s fruit always gives it away.

Know who you are and know who you’re dealing with so any other lies are dismissed as the jokes they are.

3) Change “I” to “We”

The most unfortunate thing about false accusations is that no one’s waiting to hear a verdict.

As soon as those words leave your accuser’s mouth, you will be facing much more than one person.

Friends, family, social circles, even whole communities may turn against you.

And what began as a defense against one liar becomes a battle against an entire army.

So what do you do when this multitude of warriors stands against you?

It’s simple.

You gather the troops.

Find people who can vouch for your story. Get help from friends who aren’t blinded by the lies. Ask people who were neutral bystanders to explain what happened since they’re not biased.

I know I can get anyone from former classmates, friends, and family members to acknowledge the truth of my claims.

And since I know the mental issues my accuser deals with, I can also refer to a psychologist or another mental health resource.

An understanding of my accuser’s mind is one of the best counters to her claims. Yes, she acts in unstable ways, but they’re predictably unstable, and numerous people have experience with the problem I have now.

You shouldn’t be afraid to get professional help either.

Lawyer up if it’s serious enough.

Slander and libel are legit crimes. And if you can prove that your life is heavily impacted, especially financially, you may have a case.

So don’t go at this alone. You can bet your accuser isn’t.

4) Go One and Done

The biggest mistake people make when presenting any argument, defense, or reasoning is that they over-explain themselves.

Sure, you want to be as thorough as possible in your explanation, and you should reference points of that original argument to answer questions. But there’s no need to add to your stance or sate a mind that will never believe you.

If you’ve taken the necessary steps to present and defend the truth, you have to live with the results.

Learn to be comfortable with the fact that everyone won’t like, listen to, or believe you. Because the more you add to your original defense, the weaker it will appear.

You’ll also introduce more room for error. And it would be a shame for a memory lapse to cause an otherwise solid defense to fail.

Remember that it’s only your job to present the truth. Not to make others believe it.

I’m confident that my defense removes any ammo my accuser has left. So now the only claims she can bring against me are accusations of neglect—which don’t matter since I’m not her parent—or causing hurt feelings—which isn’t a crime in America yet.

I presented the truth one time, and now there’s no need to address her claims again.

Every accusation doesn’t deserve a response. So stay true to what really happened, and let people think what they want afterwards.

5) Don’t Even Fake It

These accusations have made me realize the importance of the Bible’s command to, “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” (1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV)

It’s not enough to just avoid evil acts. You have to avoid situations where you could possibly do them too.

For instance, plenty articles on false accusations describe how to protect yourself against false rape claims. But if someone can accuse you of something like rape without an obvious fabrication, you are in over your head.

You can’t reach the point where a verdict is decided by a “yes” or “no.”

It’s one of the many reasons you shouldn’t sleep around in the first place. You are putting your life in the hands of someone who could easily change their mind in the morning. And you have to stay out of that gray area.

Remember to guard your character at all times. You never know when you’ll need to fall back on your integrity.

For example, I remember one conversation I had with a friend a few years back, and my accuser happened to be in the room.

My friend noticed that I received a few glances of interest from girls. So out of the blue he asked, “Drew, how many girls do you get?”

He chuckled while asking the question, so of course it wasn’t anything serious. He didn’t ask about anything explicitly sexual either.

So being the joker I am, I said something along the lines of, “I don’t know. I lost count.”

Then the both of us laughed it off.

But there’s a chance my accuser heard those words and immediately assumed the worst.

It would have been ridiculous to say something like:

“I’m sorry sir, but I am a Bible-believing man of God who has accepted the challenge to live righteously. How dare you imply that I live such a heinous lifestyle?!”

So I had a quick laugh and moved off the subject.

But even this could have added to her claims. So now I try not to even joke about stuff like that—at least not when I’m around people who barely know me.

You should do the same. But don’t limit your efforts to watching your tongue:

Always dress in a respectable manner.

Avoid the crazy nighttime venues—they’re magnets for people like my accuser.

And please don’t go to a hotel room belonging to a member of the opposite sex.

Presentation always matters.

Avoid the appearance of evil, and it’ll be impossible to even accuse you.

Grant Me That Chance

I’ve had enough headaches from my past relationship, and I’d rather not think about it anymore.

But it was important to defend myself here before any other false info leaked.

I hope none of it came across as too aggressive though. I wrote all of this to clear my name, not to get revenge.

From all I’ve seen, read, and now experienced, real victims don’t go out of their way to destroy their abuser’s life. They just want justice and a chance to finally move on.

So if anything else comes up about this, please remember this point and grant me that chance.

Contrary to what some people think, I don’t hate my accuser, and I hope she’s able to turn her life around.

If there was a normal version of her who didn’t have what she had, I’d love to meet her. But the ship has sailed on anything between me and the real her.

All I want now is peace and the freedom to live a good life. And I’m sure that’s all you want too.

So remember who you are, take a stand for the truth, and then defend it with your life.

And who knows? Someone else may come to your defense if you do.

-Drew

#truth

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