.

not sure if you’ve answered something similar to this already, but wanted to ask what your writing process is like! where you draw inspiration, how many drafts, edits, etc you go through, at what point you start editing, all that jazz :)

ive been reading so many fics since my break started and i kinda wanted to try my hand at writing too.. but i feel like im such a perfectionist when it comes to it and i immediately hate whatever i write even in the early stages 😭 i really like your fics so i wanted to ask you in particular hehe (if you decide to answer this and other writers see it.. pls spare some advice too djjsjxjsjsjsjjdjdnz)

thank you i hope youre having a good day <3

awww thank you for the kind words!!! leaving my advice under the cut bc i ramble a lot <3

honestly i have a very… dysfunctional writing process that my friends/moots will probably not agree with. typically people will tell you to just start writing and edit later but that never works for me because i also hate whatever i write initially and just delete it and give up.

the way i like to do things is that i just let my brain simmer when i’m out and about. and when i come upon a sentence, phrase, scenario that i really like, i try to immediately write it in my notes. sometimes a chunk of dialogue will happen upon me and i’ll just write it all out.

usually i end up with a bunch of disjointed paragraphs and then when i read them all together, i get more ideas about what to write to connect them! and when a draft is in its Bare Bones state, i’ll read and re-read it over time, adding sentences and paragraphs here and there to make it more Real and fleshed out, making edits where i see fit.

sometimes this happens in a day and sometimes this happens in a week/weeks depending on how much time i have & my attention span. like i think it’s totally valid to just start writing your favorite parts and come back to finish the rest after you get all of it out of your system. usually it’s better after time anyway bc you can better gauge how realistic/well-written parts are when you have fresh eyes.

super long but i hope this helped!!!

i just read your mando x reader with hypothermia and i absolutely loved it!! it is one of my favorite tropes 😩 can i request a steve x reader with hypothermia? bc after reading that one and absolutely loving it, all i want is your take on how steve would react! i love you and your writing so much!! thank you 🥰🥰

Warming Up

*not my gif

Steve Rogers x reader

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: So sorry this took so long. I wrote a good portion of it, and then 75% of it got deleted! I haven’t written anything in the Marvel universe in awhile, so this was a nice surprise. Pre-endgame, pre-infinity war, pre-Civil War. Gender neutral reader

***

Steve trod towards the Quinjet through the deep snow. The cold biting at his cheeks turning them to a rose pink, and his pants from the knees down were soaked. It was a simple mission in Northern Canada, during the time of the year where the snow was heavy and the wind was harsh. He told you to stay in the jet so at least you could stay warm. As he approached the quinjet, Steve’s heart began to pick up despite the cold when he saw that the light in the quinjet was off.

Steve began to sprint across the wintery landscape, kicking up snow as he ran towards the quinjet. Why was it not running? Why is there no sound? Why is the light in the cockpit off? He hurriedly opened up the hatch, the interior of the jet setting a chill down his spine; not from the cold but the thought of you silently suffering in this freezing temperature. It was enough to cause Steve to panic.

He opened the hatch to the Quinjet, and ran up the ramp, surprised to feel how cold it was; almost as cold as it was outside. The interior was dark, the only source of light coming from the windshield in the cockpit. Steve looked around and could not see the shape of your body in the haul. Treading carefully, he made his way to the cockpit. 

Steve hated the cold. He couldn’t remember much from his years being preserved in frozen ice, but the mere memory of his plane going down was enough for him to loathe it. He did remember shivering, the frigid air enveloping him, and his body systems shutting down causing him to sleep and wake up decades later. It was torture for him to be trapped. He thought that was how he would die, and he wouldn’t wish that on anyone...especially not you. 

Steve entered the cockpit, and finding you in the pilot’s seat, his heart dropping at the sight. You were curled up, huddled in the chair. Your skin was a paler color than usual, your body was shivering, goosebumps covered your skin, and your teeth clattered softly behind your frozen lips. Steve reached out a hand, pressing it to your cheek, and immediately retracting it after the brief contact. You were ice cold. Biting the inside of his cheek, Steve touched you again, placing two fingers on your inner wrist. He concentrated on finding your pulse, but it was weak barely even there. 

Quickly, Steve dragged you off of the chair and settled you on the floor. The window must’ve been the source; the cold air was seeping in. He noted that in his mind, making sure to let Tony know. Steve positioned your side to rest on his chest as he settled down on the floor next to you. He positioned your knees to press against your chest, while encircling your own arms around him. He then wrapped his arms around your figure, pressing you into his warmth. He placed your head to rest in the crook of his neck so the warmth of his breath could began to warm your face. 

As Steve held you in his arms on the Quinjet floor, his thoughts began to bombard him one by one. Why did he take so long on this mission? It was hardly a mission, mostly reconnaissance. He was supposed to scope out the area to see if the target of a potential threat were to show, but he didn’t. Steve could’ve left his post early, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. You wouldn’t be cold, and the both of you would be far away from here. Why didn’t he learn how to manage the Quinjet? Or just learn the basics for that matter? Whenever the Avengers went out on a mission, it was usually Tony or Sam piloting or handling the general maintenance and mechanics of the aircraft. His only experience was back in the 40′s, and he crashed that one. If he knew these things, he could’ve gotten the system working by now, filling the haul with heat and flying you back home. However, the only person who knew anything about the Quinjet was in his arms. 

It was all those reasons that Steve felt so helpless at this moment. Being a hero or even portrayed as a hero means that people automatically assume that he has no fear, and in truth, he didn’t have much to fear, except right now. The mere thought of losing you caused Steve’s head to pound with anxiety. And seeing you like this, frozen and fragile on the brink of death, it was enough to make his blood run cold even though the temperature outside failed to do so already. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed on that floor, praying for you to be okay and wake up from your slumber, willing all the heat from his body to leave him and go to you. Steve himself was beginning to doze off until he felt a shift in movement from between his arms. 

“S-S-t-t-eve?” you whispered, your teeth still chattering as you did so. 

Steve looked down to your face. Your eyes were barely open, but he could the pools of color beneath the eyelids. Hope surged within him as well as a burst of energy. 

“Hey,” he cooed, rubbing his hands over your arms. “Hey, it’s me. What happened here?” 

“I-I-I d-d-don’t-t-t k-know,” you stuttered out, snuggling closer to his warmth. “I-I-I f-fell asleep-p w-w-waiting-g f-for y-you.”

Steve nodded, then rested his head on top of yours. 

“Can you move at all?” he asked. 

“I-I c-can m-move m-my f-f-fingers,” you answered, holding up a weak hand and wiggling them before his eyes. “B-but n-not-t m-my arm-s or l-legs.” 

Steve nodded again, looking around the cockpit, his eyes settling on a black trunk in the corner. He unwrapped his arms from around you and began to shuffle away, towards the trunk. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said, making sure you wouldn’t fall over. 

You stayed put as he made his way to the box, opening it to find contents of an emergency kit inside. He ruffled through the various objects, only picking up what he needed. Steve withdrew a flashlight, a thermal blanket, a tool kit, and a small portable heater that didn’t need to be plugged into anything. He returned to his spot beside you, wrapping you in the blanket and turning on the heater, directing it so the heat hits you. Steve resumed to his previous position, giving you all the warmth you need to feel normal. 

Steve didn’t measure the time passing by using a clock, but more so with your little achievements. After some time, you were able to move your limbs so that they were spread out instead of close to your body. After more time, you were able to move them around with full range of motion. Then after a while, you were able to speak without your teeth chattering. Every little thing brought joy to Steve as he saw light returning to your eyes, and color to your face. 

When you were ready, you got up, grabbed the tool kit, and went to fix what was broken on the jet. Steve trailed behind you, and stayed close to you the whole time. Feeding you tools when you asked for them, watching over your shoulder both to learn from you and admire how smart you are. It didn’t take long for the jet to come back to life; the lights flickering on, the engine beginning to hum, and the heat once again warming the interior. Smiling at your accomplishment, Steve helped you get to the cockpit, your limbs still a little weak and stiff, and settled you in the pilot’s seat. He watched you attentively as you brought the jet into the air and set the coordinates to the Avengers compound. 

“Let’s get away from this Godforsaken place,” you sighed heavily. 

“Please,” Steve responded, settling in the passenger’s seat somewhat besides yours. It was quiet in the Quinjet as you flew the craft back home. The events that occurred began to settle and weigh on Steve. He could’ve lost you. He remembered the slow pulse of your heart rate. If he would’ve placed his fingers on your wrist and felt nothing, he didn’t know what he would do... with you or himself. Steve looked up to see your profile outlined from the gradual returning light, your eyes shining with life, and he smiled. “I’m sorry.” 

He watched as you turned your head back to look at him, confusion traced in your eyes as you furrowed your brows at him. 

“For what?” you asked. 

“It’s my fault that you nearly froze to death,” he began, reverting his eyes a bit towards his lap. “It’s my fault that-”

“Was it your fault that the Quinjet powered down?” you questioned, your tone shifting to a more serious one, causing Steve to look up and meet your gaze. 

“No,” he answered softly. 

You gave him a lopsided smile, causing his heart to skip a beat. 

“Then it wasn’t your fault, Steve,” you replied. “Just because you’re Captain America doesn’t mean you have to carry all the world’s burdens.” 

“I was just so scared,” Steve revealed. “You were so cold, I thought I might’ve lost you. If I did, I don’t know what I would’ve done with myself.” 

“But I’m okay,” you reassured, giving him another smile. “Your love warmed me up.” 

Steve let out a little chuckle before turning his gaze to the window. It was not often that he got shy or bashful, but you always knew how to make him feel that way. Steve felt heat rise to his cheeks, knowing that his face was probably pink by know, but he didn’t care. The rest of the ride was ridden in a comfortable silence, leaving the events that transpired in the cold. The only thing that matter was love’s warmth that was present within the jet. 

***

Taglist:  @tangledlove27 @absurdthirst @caswinchester2000 @16boyfriends-and-me @notabotiswear

7 17 36!

7. what was your life like last year? 

(jason mendoza voice) well, my year started about a year ago. it was probably one of the most interesting years of my life so far? maybe the hardest, idk? a lot happened, i think i did a lot of Growing UpTM. i was very very busy at first with my research masters and a bunch of extracurricular bullshit and then something happened in my family that forced us all to spend more time together, which made me realize a lot of things about myself and my family, and then, after debating it for months, i moved to the uk -- which turned out to be a great decision. i had such a good time and it gave me a sense of perspective and space that i didn’t know i needed. and i dated for the first time in ever, which was also fun! am totally not yearning/wondering about what could have been! nope! haha! ha! ha

17. opinion on insecurities. 

insecurities are dumb and u shouldn’t have them. jk! false! it’s very normal to have insecurities! we are taught to be insecure about so many things in so many ways, to a point where it can feel unnatural to not be insecure about xyz thing! ppl will even attack you for not being insecure about certain things, probs bc it increases their own insecurity levels and/or threatens power hierarchies! many insecurities are connected to social axes such as race, class, gender, sexuality, size, dis/ability, religion -- and then you throw capitalism into the mix and now we’ve got a bunch of industries specifically designed to profit off of our insecurities! good times!

my conclusion, as a fat woman, is that people (and billion dollar industries such as the diet industry and the cosmetics industry) don’t actually want me to love my body, or myself. they don’t! they want me to be insecure and self-conscious and ashamed about my size, they want to to act out a specific role, that of the insecure fat girl, and inhabit and carry my body in specific ways, bc if i’m confident and don’t feel ashamed of my size, the world will crumble! if fat isn’t actually morally inferior/ugly/worthless/lazy/etc. then thin people would have to face the reality that all the time and energy they put in trying not to look like me is for nought! there’s lots more here to unpack and i feel like im not wording these things right and all of these things are so complicated and cannot be divorced from other issues such as racism and sexism and capitalism, but here’s a start.

my point is -- insecurities suck, they’re usually based on lies people and, more importantly, institutions and industries try to sell you, and i wish for everybody that they will one day know what it feels like to no longer have those insecurities -- and it’s completely normal to have them. there is no shame in having insecurities! it’s very hard to not buy into them. you have to put in so much conscious effort and energy into ridding yourself of insecurities that you’ve had for a lifetime -- and even then, it’s not a static thing. it’s not just a question of simply ‘changing your mind’ when the majority of society disagrees with you, when they don’t want you to gain confidence. some days im like: fuck fatphobia! im hot as fuck! also my worth is not defined by my looks so it doesn’t even matter! and then two hours later i’ll go outside and get fatcalled, or catcalled, or i’ll see my body in the reflection of a window, and suddenly my whole resolve crumbles, even tho i know on an intellectual level that it’s not true, the lie that i’m about to give into. it’s not easy. it’s not a matter of flicking a switch, even tho i sincerely wish it was. something that does help, or at least it did for me, is learning how those bigger systems, such as fatphobia, racism, colorism, misogyny, transphobia, are at work. this helps to see that it is not you, individually, who is lacking something or doing something wrong. there are entire institutions and industries who contribute to you feeling this way -- and profit off it (wow look at me, writing my thesis one tumblr ask at a time!)

37. favourite actor/actress 

oh!!!!! viola davis! sandra oh bc she carried grey’s anatomy, no questions at this time ty! christine baranski bc mamma mia! the good wife! a bad moms christmas!!!!! i desperately want her in more comedies! kathryn hahn, who, i kid you not, is always the funniest person in a movie, no matter how small her role is! also, melissa mccarthy, kate mckinnon, retta, and of course, the only man worthy of mention, manny montana. i watch in amazement how he portrays rio. this man.......amazing.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? 

......................ok so i just realized you asked 36 instead of 37, damn it! im not even gonna delete that, they’re all too amazing for me to do that, soz. as for the dreams -- loving myself! writing a book (or, finishing a story that could be a book)! sucking it up and getting the bisexual nose piercing like i know i want to!

thank youuuuuuuu!!!! nice asks to help me procrastinate <3

Update Pt. II: Self-Realization and What I’m Going to do with my Old Posts

i.e. You ever experience having Big Fear of saying something on a subject, but being scared someone/something is going to Crash Down on you with a c/o about how Wrong you are? Here’s how I’m dealing with emotions and expectations and Big Fear of Consequences (incase it helps, but its just my personal experience + thoughts) 💕❤️💗

🚫long post🚫

*this is still just an update on what’s been happening in my life?? So this is literally just what I’ve thought about, processing and dealing with. It’s not really meant to be like - here’s a full-out well-explained educational post with an ending conclusion on the subject. I’m literally just recounting events of what happened and how I feel like I’d do to a friend irl - so I hope you guys can take it as such as well! 

It’s not a big deal but I think it’s good to process, share and talk about overcoming my own personal issues with you guys!! 💕❤️💗

So:

There’s one day where I woke up (when I was still without my laptop) and saw someone comment on my old post. I have tumblr linked to my email for certain notifications - just so I can screen and know what to expect when I come into my inbox/replies.

Basically, it was an old post that I wrote trying to help anon but I was factually incorrect (to the point where I cringed at the first sentence and then shamed myself to bed 5 hours later) This made me realize my Top 10 Nightmare of Tumblr Paranoia had came true (at long last).

It’s probably bad to expect it to happen? But it  happens y know. And I’m actually glad they commented because phew I want to actually make this blog a place where I can actually help people and talk about things more objectively. So heres the thing:

I’m going to go back and clarify parts of it. I’ll mostly keep most of the content intact because I think I had good intentions, I was just Lacking A lot of Fundamental Theory and Boy That’s Not A Good Thing For An Astro Blog NOT To Have.

I want to keep it as a process and archive of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown/learnt. I’m? decidedly not that proud of my earlier works - and there’s things I’m still concerned about that I want to go back and address/re-edit so it could be better. But I think it’s low-key kind of fun to see who you are in the past and how present me would view past me now?

It’s like a scrapbook of my astrology journey as well - like yeah I was wrong on things, but seeing me do more research and making actual pieces of work to complement my studies is like a portfolio of what I’ve done, how far I’ve come, how my objectives have changed (if they have/haven’t) what I could stand before but couldn’t stand now, or maybe some inspiration/insights that I lack now that I might’ve had before. Idk? I just think it’s a cool neat thing to not delete or erase, or Big Fear people will come see because it’s. It’s just there and it’s me.

BUT I do think? I should make it Good for everyone who still have access to the past works. It’s basically in my masterlist so it’s available to literally everyone who decides to check. And it’s NOT good if people get the wrong info because I lacked the knowledge and wrote it in a post, and still made the post accessible to everyone. That’s just.. irresponsible? On my part. And how I put everyone else up to it as well bc of my irresponsibility.

That’s Not Good. So I’m gonna do better to scan through past works and hash it out bit by bit, it’ll take some time but I’ll start with the one that was pointed out - and work my way to other ones as well just to check if they’re ok or not ok.

For Those Who Has The Big Fear as well: 

I mentioned at the beginning, this is just me talking about what I want to do about it. I just wanted to share that experience, how I feel (Complete and Utter Shame, that was mixed with Embarrassment and Horror at myself - took me a good 3 days to Process my Feelings and came to that conclusion) -- and just y know --  I’m sure this is not just a Me Thing where you see your past stuff and you Know you’re embarrassed to talk about it. But. It’s not a bad thing. And here’s me living through it.

I think in the future - I’ll continue to be embarrassed by my lack of knowledge because I have a lot to learn. There’s plenty of people - you, me, this new person who seems to know terms you haven’t heard of before, this other person who has very formed opinions on things based on their own knowledge - who learnt things and know things.

It’s? difficult to be on top of it all the time, or know everything if you haven’t learnt about it before. So don’t be ashamed or scared that you don’t? Know everything?

When you’re beginning to learn a subject, I don’t know about others, but me and my friend have this Big Fear of saying the wrong thing or coming off too confident in something that’s Wrong and then someone coming after you/calling you out for it  -- it was a mistake, or a lack of knowledge but you can’t be faulted for that. 

How are you supposed to know something if you didn’t know? That also can’t be shamed. Maybe because we think we have to be accountable for ourselves and our lack of knowledge-- so we don’t offend someone Big who may be more knowledgeable and personally offended by just-- a person not knowing something.

I think we fear the consequences, sometimes more so than talking about it or enjoying the subject in open-ness to each others who have similar interests (there’s also an issue with inadequacy and comparison, but we’ll talk about that later see topic headers below). 

I think the idea that we could get Wrecked and Hurt, Completely Mauled Over by something or someone’s influence/ideas that is Larger than us - intimidates us at a moderately core-level into Not Addressing It (i.e. Not Taking Action/Talking). Because the repercussion seems to be... wild, and Maybe We’ll be a ScrapeGoat of an Unfortunate Event and Thats Not Cool At All Yikes. 

Addressing All The Fears (a Bundle Around This Big Fear Context) 

I’ve talked about it before, like way back earlier in the days. But I’ve always had a Big Fear of this. That’s part of why I get so intimidated when someone I like/look up to follow me?

There’s always the tiny nagging suspicion and doubt underneath my anxiety regarding this topic - like I’m unsure whether they’re going to see how I talk, what I say, what I’m providing for others and cast judgement that it isn’t good enough - like maybe I’m wrong about something and I’ll have to live with it (unreasonable but still, a Fear) and they can See that and Know i’m wrong. That’s a big Shame and Embarrassed feeling for me (i.e. making a fool of myself, which is?? essentially what this is on)

I think throughout my time here... I’ve begun to slowly mend my ideas about that fear. Part of it is because I’ve learnt more, I’m more active in using my skill-sets.

It’s because I have this blog - that I decided I’m going to start it, and it’ll keep me active in learning that I got to build up my skill-set and kept myself in-check from there. I got to interact with different topics and themes, double-check my own understanding of topics/subjects, sure I don’t know anything and everything. All of this is just what I’ve learnt, and me actively learning as I go - and while it was -- Big Fear and Unstable Ground for a while, eventually I learnt to rely more on -- the support system and people who do appreciate you, like you, what they talk about with you. 

You learn to appreciate the systems around you - the ones who interact and likes or ask and talk about stuff. The Fear and Responsibilities gets less and less fearful, because I’ve built trust in others - and it’s a reality check: that not all that’s in my head is good for me. Not even myself and my own thought is as good to me as the reality you live/have around you sometimes. And thats -- a fortunate thing, that’s something to not be taken for granted, and something I have to be thankful for. It directly addresses possible issues I didn’t know I had -- about how much this was weighing on me, by relieving me from it bit by bit as well. 

And that’s what I should note on, because even just a solitary ‘like’ on a social media site-- when you’re scared or unsure of whether you’ve made a right call -- is enough of a support for you to rest a little easier, knowing someone else got what you intended and support you morally as well. 

Standards and Logic: Ideals

I still get Big Fear because of my own ideals - like sometimes I have a mean voice? That just goes ‘you’re an astrology blog - your core/most basic requirement is to KNOW basic facts about astrology’ and then it goes ‘you NOT knowing something about the subject -- something basic, and STILL getting it wrong is absolutely irredeemable’ 

You know what’s the worst part about the mean voice? It’s because it’s my brain, it’s how I reason and logic. This is how I hold my own standards and ideals, and no matter how kind I am to others, my own core self isn’t kind to myself. Fundamentally --- since I couldn’t resolve it, I believe it’s my standard and is underlying in how I treat others too (even if I actively work to Not Let That Happen or Be True, it’s still a part of me).

I don’t want to treat others like that. That’s the scariest part. Part of the reason why it’s so hard - is because we see reason why our mean voice makes sense. To me, that’s objectively the ideal and standard. I already gave it my consent and agreement by understanding it’s logic - and now I fear it.

A part of me just going through this - is confronting this standard issue and my ideals. I think -- all of us who have Big Fear in some ways, understands the logic in just being Good at what you start out to do. Fundamentally, objectively. It kinda makes sense that if you’re going to write about biochem - you should get it right so you don’t fuck up about it. 

But I think you all can tell now - reading it in third person - how you’re allowed to make mistakes? If you’re willing to say that to someone else and understand that-- even if you write about biochem, but you might’ve missed a few marks because you got the answer wrong--- it doesn’t mean you’ve completely jeopardize the subject itself and everyone who’s a master at it. You’ve just made a mistake. And everyone - realistically - realizes how little it matters when you admit or realize you’ve made a whoopsie.

Making Mistakes - Accepting Being Wrong To Not Become an Asshole

A mistake is a mistake, it’s a human error. People fuck up sometimes, but -- we learn from our mistakes. 

It’s just a matter of accepting it in the first place? Being able to accept the mistake is what differentiate being an asshole to actually not letting it hinder you and moving on. 

I think -- just in my case -- I can see why it’s easy to cling on. If you only have your skill-sets to hold onto to, it’s hard to accept any other form of opinions or ideas that challenges it. I think that’s -- ego -- but also defense/offensive action. 

Not -- ‘im offended’ but more like, a tactical offense. I’ve seen people who manipulate others because they only have their skill-sets. Making the audience sway in their narrative and perspectives because they say it’s the ‘truth’ and that they’re knowledgeable or have experiences. I don’t necessarily agree with what they do, but that’s -- not on me, and I don’t care because that’s not something I?? feel comfortable addressing. 

I offered this brief example - because it’s the opposite of ‘well I don’t feel adequate about my knowledge, maybe I shouldn’t say something because I don’t have anything to offer?’ - here’s an example of someone who has knowledge, and is saying something. But is perhaps doing it in a way that isn’t... ideal as well. 

So if you think about the alternative: Which would you rather be? 

We just gotta know how to deal with it and address all the different elements to it as we can (what we’ve touched on earlier: own voice, judgement from others, concrete-starting something and self-expectations, fearful of expectations, not accepting being wrong or making mistakes as an OK thing to do, and how to deal with it kinda)

  Future Embarrassment (Continuous habit of being Embarrassed and Feeling Inadequate About your Skill-sets/Knowledge)

I’ve always thought about this - like how do I stop myself from being embarrassed and ashamed when I can’t fault myself for not knowing before - the only solution I can find for myself is just to do good.

Not suddenly go research and be on top of it with information + overloading myself like That kind of Good-good (‘im good at what I do’ -- not that type of good, confidence in skills doesn’t cover up insecurities and fear, but you can be confident in other areas you can shine light on better about yourself!) 

Do good to me is to chew what I can, say when I can’t, have good intentions and offer the things you CAN give. If it’s insight, clarifications, open-opinions - most people who are coming to you and asking for you are people who appreciates intentions. Just as you expect the same back.

The most consistent thing I’ve ever done is to just be in the mindset of wanting to be good and pushing myself to be good. I’m not saying I’m like -- 100% whole-heartedly a Good Person. But if I just focus on my intent, how it underlines everything, keeping things clear with that intention in mind. As long as I aspire to be good to others, there’s not much else anyone can say to harm me or my motives I think.

Maybe I’m not that good in terms of skill-sets, but more in terms of wanting to do objectively the best that I can, and wanting the best for others. That’s the two things I keep in my mind and goals; in your own heart. Regardless of everything - these two things will keep you going if you truly want and work towards it.

Comparison to others/Inadequacy 

I think that to others - maybe other people who have the same goal in mind; maybe same heart, maybe this would mean to do what they can and perhaps they are capable of achieving skill-sets, overcoming insecurities with knowledge and Not Feel Overwhelmed. 

But I know that’s not for me? Not how I work or the best I can offer - of course I attempt it too and yeah it works sometimes, but my constant and my ideas haven’t been about being right or correct whenever I post or say something (although I strive to try and do it right, as much as I can) -- it’s always been about realistically - what can I do, what can I give that’s 100% me and what’s needed/capable of doing?  

It’s hard because there’s also -- ideals about what IS the best solution. Like when presented with the same problems, same ask. You have two different people who share the same ideals and thoughts - both agreeing that the best way is to do it ‘like this’ - but one does it better and the other watches it knowing they couldn’t have executed it as flawlessly. 

And maybe you’re the other - but that, doesn’t make it any less obvious when you see it in third-person that the other person has their own gift and methods that is just as valuable as the one who did the good execution. They provide and support one another, just have to find their wings and respect, appreciate and cherish (lift up) one another’s skill-sets and capabilities as well.

It’s hard to apply it back to yourself -- that your thoughts, words and knowledge is valuable to anyone or that it’s Not lacking in some ways. What you see of yourself - there’s others who sees it in a more tender way than you do. What you can control, and what you can do best, is to not expect yourself to be unrealistic - but expect to be realistic about what you can provide, if all else fails, anyways. 

Stick to your guns - I’m basically just trying to say that. The feeling of inadequacy (that’s literally the core of it, underneath the shame) is fine -- and yeah. I don’t have? I’ve written alot but I hope this comes through well. 

I’m working through it but I hope, this helps a little. If you’ve read it at all. It’s long and rambly, but I hope this -- helps? Anyone else? Or just myself who’s working through it. But -- I hope this gives strength or support to anyone who needs it. Thanks for reading if you’ve read!!!

P-P-P-Play that shit: ptv analysis - Part 2

 Hi what’s up everyone and welcome to this week’s pew news. This is a continuation of my last post where I pretty much summed up Pierce The Veil’s career from the beginning to present and gave an overview of their rise and downfall. You can check it out here, but if you already know about everything or have read it already then feel free to ignore it. In any case, I was originally gonna make these two posts as one but ran out of room bc who the hell would read that much text in a blog post (me) so here you go - part two of this fucking conspiracy theory because I didn’t even get to share any of my thoughts in the last one. (I also forgot to put headers with each new topic smh apologies to the English language)

Edit: it’s been fucking eons since I wrote the last one/started writing this one like legit I even changed my user. The reason why this has been put off for so long will be explained later but yh smh

Gigantic obligatory disclaimer: Everything that I will discuss whether it be in this post or my last, or any future posts that relate to this subject IS NOT going to touch on the subject of the “sexual relations with a minor” incident in itself. I will not go into detail about my own views on this specific matter as there is literally no way to win because whatever I say could be taken out of context by literally anyone. That being said, I do not condone pedophilia, I do not condone sexual harassment or rape, and I do not undermine the importance of consent. I respect the laws of different states, as I know they vary with time and place, and I understand that everyone has their own opinions and I do not wish to impose my own onto others.

In regards to this, however, I do have to acknowledge that I, first and foremost, do not think that Mike Fuentes is innocent, and I strongly believe that how the band handled this situation was just plain terrible, but I do also have to acknowledge the fact that this situation is to stay between the accuser and the victim, as well as their respective legal teams and that I should not go nosedive headfirst into anything like this when it does not directly affect or require my judgement as a necessity, lest I face any legalities or blacklash as a result. Furthermore, everything that I will be talking about are conspiracies only and I do not in any way assume or imply that any of this is true.

In other words, I don’t mean to offend anyone but if you end up getting offended then that’s on you, not me. Let’s begin.

Introduction 

The points that I am trying to highlight in this essay post is, in simple words, that Pierce The Veil’s... well, everything, comes off as kind of a conspiracy, almost, to me. I have had these thoughts for a long-ish time, and so this post is basically me finally making a post that covers all things that I have been thinking of in the past. Unlike my previous post, this one is a lot less fact-based and a lot more opinionated, so if you’re not into that, then that’s fair. Otherwise, I will be discussing the following things (in this order): the topic of kellic, Misadventures, and the accusation + response.

When Life Gives You Lemons, You Ship Them Together And Call It Lemonade

I refer to my last post and assume that everyone understands how “kellic” came to be and what it means. To summarise to the bare minimum best of my abilities, it’s the ship name of Vic Fuentes and Kellin Quinn, aka what people call it when someone wants or is keen on the idea of these two frontmen having an affair with each other in a (typically) fictional setting. It happens all the time, especially in this day and age where you can easily just find someone with the same obsession as you with a click of a button. That’s why King For A Day, and inadvertently Collide With The Sky, became such a huge success. It appealed to the right demographic of teenagers and tweens who were ecstatic at the prospect of shipping, and went on to achieve even more impressive feats following that. How you ask? Well, by going on a tour around the world of course. Together. Playing shows every night that ends with one of them literally carrying the other off the stage. Gotta give the people what they want, hey?

I have a strong belief that the key to success is through beating the system at its own game. In this case, the game is simple - get fans, get money. Unfortunately, as we all know, getting fame isn’t as easy as simply earning it through grit and determination. To achieve fame, one must find a way to do something at the right time in the right way so that people will notice. If one person does, and your fire doesn’t die out right away, then you’ve got yourself a forest fire. Then later on, all you gotta do is keep this forrest fire going, but assuming that there isn’t someone standing on the other side with the whole fire department’s resources in tow, then the only thing stopping this fire is itself, because with all things in life, fire dies out, and fame stops accumulating after a while if nothing is done about it. Humans need entertainment. If something starts to fail to pique their interests, then they move on. That’s why YouTubers are required to change up their content every now and again in order to try and relight that spark they once had, and even then there’s a good chance that they won’t. 

I was originally going to write another blog essay about this whole YouTube analogy thing but quickly realised that for one, I don’t have time bc I’m getting my ass fucked by university on a daily basis; and that for another, there’s most likely a billion other videos or essays about this topic as is, so I’ll just link one or two of them here. I haven’t watched them all yet or I don’t remember much of them, but all they do is pretty much summarise up stuff like how YouTubers become successful and their downfalls and all that, and even though they kinda focus on a specific person or group of people, I feel like it could be generalised.

Even without the YouTube metaphor, we know shipping works. It is evident in multiple works across various media that giving the fans what they want is often what gives these people their continued success, such as Dan Howell and Phil Lester, who have all but stopped trying to create their own individual branding (save for their separate merch stores that are probably there just to get more people to buy their overpriced clothing), and who at this point have become such an overused example that I actually hesitated writing that. Why do you think movies and shows and cartoons mostly have a romantic subplot? Romance is an essential trope in literature and easily one of the most popular genre out there for various reasons. According to a Bustle article written in 2016, romance often gives the readers a sense of hope or gives them a way to live out their fantasies in the easiest way possible, and while this may not apply to everyone, (personally I’m not a romance fan much at all but I can appreciate good literature), it’s hard to deny the phrase “sex sells”.

Given that, you’d think that any company with half a brain would learn to exploit it, but for some reason this wasn’t the case in Pierce The Veil’s management, and no matter how I look at it, I can’t really see the reason why. It’s not like the band members are uncomfortable with the ship - Jaime Preciado has been seen kissing Vic Fuentes on stage (not on the lips guys chill) (I had forgotten how fucking difficult it takes to find this one specific clip so here’s a couple different fuenciado pictures instead to make up for it smfh), and Vic Fuentes has mentioned kellic in a live stream once jokingly - and Kellin Quinn is notoriously known for being completely okay with it (so long as he doesn’t have to look at it), so just what is the reason?

This Ain’t A Hiatus, It’s A Goddamned Arms Race

I’d be lying if I didn’t miss all the memes that all stemmed from the Pierce The Veil boys not being able to release an album when they’d promised, before postponing said album yet again and disappearing off of the face of the earth digitally for another year or two, giving them a total of four years as their unofficial, unannounced hiatus. For this, I have several questions.

We all know Vic Fuentes loves taking his sweet ass time releasing music - he’s admitted to remaking his first album a second time before releasing it, as stated an interview a couple years back - but you can’t honestly tell me their management just let them get away with it. Sure, through this time they’ve been pushing out new merch to no end, but something tells me that this giant gap they’ve wedged between the new album and Collide With The Sky isn’t gonna be good publicity, despite all the memes that’ve sprouted from it. There’s been fans who stopped taking interest in this band because of it, as well as fans who have just gotten fed up with having to wait so long. They scrapped a whole completed album in the process of creating Misadventures too, and while it’s not uncommon for bands to throw away near-completed ideas at whim, it’s also not unlikely for there to be some external factors or reasoning behind why they did it. Could it be that the album they threw away stayed too close to their roots and management or some other person told the band to start again, so that they can create something more appealing to this day and age? Or could it be something else that is hard to see at face-value?

You’ll Never Get Ahold Of Me Now

Finally, I’m gonna address the overdue elephant in the room. If you want to read the full thing, here it is because I’m tired of having to reiterate what happened. Mike Fuentes received a sexual allegation by some girl(s) and the band released a shitty statement that has since gotten deleted - that’s the general gist of it. 

Like I said, it’s been literal months (or weeks idk my perception of time is severely fucked) since I actually started making this post so literally no one cares anymore, but regardless of what past me has promised or written down, I’m not going to be discussing the allegation in itself, but rather what and/or how the band and their subsequent management has handled it, in that they handled it so bad that I honestly can’t believe they did it like that. 

Edit: I wasn’t gonna bother finding another copy of the statement bc no one’s gonna give a shit but then I’d be doing some baseless shit and I honestly can’t stand people who half ass these things, despite my growing urge to do the same thing, so here’s the statement. 

For starters, who the hell waits one whole month before releasing a statement? From what I can remember, their excuse was allegedly that pretty much management forbade them to talk or make a statement about it earlier for... reasons? (Just realised I don’t actually have the source for this so idk take it with a grain of salt I guess because I was sure I had read this somewhere but I can’t back it up.) 

That’s not even the worst part, either. The statement itself gave zero closure to literally everything. Yes, they acknowledged the allegation, but that’s just about as far as they went. The whole point of a statement is to clear things up, whether the accuser was right or wrong, and what steps will be taken from there, whether an apology is to be issued or not. No shit you know about the incident, who in the fandom wouldn’t? Instead pointing out the straight up obvious, what they should’ve done was 1) not waited an entire fucking month before talking about it, most likely hoping the whole thing to blow over by then and 2) actually talked about the incident in their statement instead of tiptoeing around the subject like some sort of time bomb ready to go off. There is no right or wrong answer, because literally all they had to do was tell the truth - as in write down a statement from Mike (not the whole fucking band mind you) about his take on the whole thing or get him to say what had happened from his point of view. Then resolve it privately with your legal team and whatnot if they really feel the need. Hell, all he needed to do was apologise. Whether something like that classifies as assault or rape or whatever is up to you but the fact of the matter is that she’s underaged at that point in time. Even if she was fully aware of the risks and whatnot and gave legitimate consent, under the eyes of the law and pretty much 80% of the people reacting to this incident, it will be deemed illegal and inappropriate behaviour. All these people had to do was literally just be open and honest about it regardless of whatever the hell happened, because this is all happening on a public platform where everyone can see/read it to their hearts’ content. Viewers can’t judge or make a decision to support or not support you if you don’t tell them your side of the story, so for the love of god, why the hell didn’t they?

The statement was filled with bullshit about how they love the fans and all that shit, and honestly my thoughts can be accurately summed up in this video right here. So much backlash could have potentially been avoided had they just told it as it is, because now all we have is a vague ass response that gives no closure and tell us nothing as to whether Mike actually did it or not, because in the statement he manage to spout some bullshit about how he’s “never intentionally manipulated or abused anyone in [his] life” and that he’s just a ball of empathy which at first glance could suggest he at least thinks he’s innocent, but then they go on to say how Mike’s taking a temporary leave from the band for, you guessed it, absolutely no reason. At least, no reason that they’ve given us (what else is new) (I’m becoming more petty as the night drags on it’s literally 1am). Honestly, .@piercetheveil, please tell me why the honest to god fuck did you have him leave just after suggesting that he might be innocent? I know the world isn’t black and white but when you’re making a stance and defending yourself or admitting to something, it really is - black and white that is. Either you’re innocent or believe that you’re innocent and stand your ground by not leaving the band, or you admit that you are guilty, in which case your leaving of the band would actually feel justified, because now it’s like you’re gonna come back as well, so what does that even mean? Mike isn’t gone indefinitely, he hasn’t pleaded guilty or innocent, and now the band is telling us they love us? Fuck out of here with that bullshit.

Yes, I support the band’s decision to pull out of the All Time Low tour and to not have Mike out there in case fans feel threatened or unsafe or whatnot, but if you’re pleading innocent, then honestly the whole band should’ve just said “hey we’re gonna go on hiatus for a while until our legal team’s finished with taking care of everything”, and not just said hey guys we’re gonna kick him out because he may or may not have done something that we’re not gonna tell you because we’re shady fuckers like that. I know they are on hiatus right now, but at the “start”, they only said that Mike would be withdrawing temporarily or whatever so it’s kind of like, okay? Sure? It’s a right mess I assure you. Honestly, throughout this whole incident, it was this statement part that made me really fed up with this band. My interest in them had died down significantly from since I hit fifteen all those three years ago, and right now when I dug up an old iPod shuffle to bring with me to university to save my phone battery throughout the day, I can honestly say that I won’t be adding any Pierce The Veil songs onto it anytime soon unless I get peer pressured to. Personally, I feel like that’s kind of the mentality of a lot of had-been Pierce The Veil fans, too.

That’s Great And All But What’s Your Point?

Pierce The Veil’s management sucks ass.

There’s no easy, lawsuit-prone way for me to say it but, and this is just a conspiracy theory I swear to god if I get the fucking ASIS kicking down my door in the middle of the night you better read the fucking disclaimer, there’s obviously some shady shit going on in there no matter what way you slice it. Either they’re sabotaging Pierce The Veil’s success or whether it’s all some big confusion or misunderstanding, or if they’re just plain dumb, we can all agree that this whole thing - the kellic fan service, album making, allegations and subsequent statements - should’ve and could’ve been handled a hell of a lot more gracefully and professionally. Believe it or not, waiting until things blow over is frankly just childish and solves literally nothing, so either they can pull their act together quickly with this next “special secret” album to redeem what little quality/dignity they have left, or they can just fade away into irrelevancy and become a band that no one cares about anymore. 

History repeats itself. This band is quickly becoming just another Leafyishere, and as ominous as that sounds, it’s honestly not unlikely at this point. I am intrigued as to where they go from here, because if they manage to breakthrough again, then I would be very surprised given their current situation. I want to know how they choose to handle this - whether it’ll be the same or not, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Thank you so much if you read through this honestly like I am beyond happy that this is fucking over because I have a bunch of non-band related post essays I’ve been meaning to post but this one’s been nagging at the back of my mind for the past few months or however long it’s been. I’ve clocked in at around past 3k words for this one, and none of this is edited because I’m honestly so done with this you don’t understand. Like I said before, this took ages because I was gonna make another post talking about other shit that relates to this before realising that there’s way too many people that’ve addressed the whole YouTube thing so me doing it would literally be pointless, and even though no one really reads this shit, as big of a nerd as I am, I do enjoy writing bullshit because maybe then I’ll stop ranting to my friends and family about topics they don’t care about.

Regardless, that’s it for this two parter thing, and until next time or whatever.

Catch’ya x

credit for the header image ©

when i was in high school i never ever typed any notes. handwriting is super good cause it helps u remember better what ur writing, and it’s easier to adapt to what u need ur notes to look like. but then i started university and i had to summarize everything that happened in my country from 1860 to 2000 and i was like no, fuck it, i ain’t writing all that bc a) i wouldn’t have time and b) my hand would probably fall off. so typing it saved my life and i learned some stuff and i have a few tips so u can make the most out of ur typed notes!

is it convenient to type?

things u need to think abt:

the context where u’ll be doing it, e.g. in class sometimes it’s actually faster to handwrite if the class is disorganized so u can draw arrows, connect stuff on different parts of the page, make margin notes, etc, but sometimes the teacher speaks really fast and u don’t have time to jot everything down so it’s better to type. if u have time to write down most of the important things i recommend to handwrite. if ur in ur house or library both methods work the same; if ur in a coffee shop or sth probably best to type cause it takes up less space

how much time until u have to study them, if you’re making summaries/guides. if u got lazy and left it to the last moment (happens to the best of us), u’ll be better off typing. ifffff u have the time and ur willing to maybe it’s best to handwrite them bc it helps w memorizing

the subject and what’s gonna be important for the exam, so u know how it’s better to study. when i make summaries and study guides i always mix my class notes and book or other material i have. before u start writing them, go over both and try to think what u want ur notes to look like, if it’s gonna be important for them to be visual, have lots of arrows (in that case, better to handwrite, but it can be done in a laptop, although it may end up taking u more time in the end), or if they’re gonna be lots of bullet points and outlines, charts, diagrams (it’s easier to type these)

this is just a pro of typing over handwriting: u’ll be able to go back and modify/add/delete stuff. so if ur gonna be making study guides super in advance and in class the teacher goes back to topics u already included, u can add more info all the time without ur notes looking like a clutter of post it notes and covered in margin notes

tips and tricks

use shortcuts and make ur own shortcuts to replace regular symbols with symbols u don’t have in ur keyboard per se. u may need a little poking around whichever app ur using, or u can add them to the keyboard “replace” feature. for example, for mine i made -> turn into ⇾, >> into ↳, ^^^ into ↓ (u can tell i use lots of arrows). don’t be afraid to experiment and look through the symbols in ur laptop to see what u’ll find useful!

lots of abbreviations, and this applies to handwritten notes also. i have this bad habit, though, of cutting short long words and then not remembering the conjugation and getting confused when i revise them, so be careful with that (for example, in sociology i used “intern.” for “internalization”, “internalize”, “internalizing” and then regretted it)

if u want ur notes to have colour but don’t wanna waste colour ink from ur printer, u can use highlighters or leave blank spaces to write titles and subtitles with a coloured pen when u print them. but don’t actually leave it blank; write the word in white so u’ll remember what u were supposed to write later. take into account that of course ur handwriting won’t be the same size as the font. this applies if u want cute calligraphy titles, banners, drawings, etc. u can decorate ur notes as much as u want when u print them!

make good use of fonts but don’t overdo it, have a main font for the body and maybe a different one for titles/subtitles if u want

have a system where u use bold, italics and underlined for different things (terms, examples, important definitions, dates, whatever)

be creative in the use of space! use shapes, charts, the diagram function of ur app, anything ur comfortable using and that’s gonna be useful (don’t put in diagrams just bc they look cool if the info in it isn’t really important). but, again, don’t overdo it cause it may end up taking u more time than it’s really worth it

this is gonna sound super millenial, but sometimes emojis r useful in notes (i know i know) to make them more visual. like u can replace a word with its emoji (hand, person, tree, idk), use it on the side to symbolize what ur talking about (i used a bomb next to a part where i was writing sth about WWII), etc. don’t judge me for this please

use an app to block websites and other apps that distract you because that’s the downside of writing on ur laptop: ur laptop is right there. i’ll list some apps on the next part

software + apps

google drive: i’m in love with this. v useful if ur gonna be writing from different devices without downloading anything. also it’s cool that u can download and easily use lots of font. buuuut it doesn’t have many functions. make sure to enable offline mode because otherwise anytime ur wifi acts up it won’t let u edit

evernote: again lets u sync ur notes in many devices but u need to download the app in all of them. personally i prefer google drive but that’s bc i never rlly tried to get used to this one, many people seem to rlly love it

ur laptop’s default text editor: usually microsoft word for windows, pages for mac. i used pages for my history and sociology notes because i knew i was gonna do everything in my own laptop and found it super useful. it’s rlly easy to make charts, shapes, diagrams, and it’s super simple in a good way. i vouch for microsoft word as well, it has a lot more functions but at the same time it can get more complicated.

here are a few masterposts with apps that can help u for both note taking and productivity: x (all free) x x

this isn’t for note-taking but i find it super useful and i urge u to download it if ur gonna be using ur laptop to write notes: f.lux changes the colour of ur computer display to be warm during night or when u don’t have light so u don’t strain ur eyes looking at the blue glow of the screen. it’s explained better in the website. it’s been a total lifesaver and has changed my life tbh

+ masterposts

studyblr-ing 101

apps for ur life

how to mind map

studying better

diy notebooks

highlighting effectively

i hope i was somehow able to help u and give u any good tips! please hmu with requests if u want any specific masterpost to be done 💛

xx sofi

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

Paranoid

Request: None

Pairing: King Arthur (The Legend of the Sword) x Reader

Summary: Arthur can’t find you and he get’s extremely anxious. (Happens while Arthur is still in Londinium)

 Warnings: I think I swore somewhere in there.

Word count: 2,650

A/N: I’m debating whether or nor I  should delete this account since I barely even post anything ever, but for now, have this King Arthur: Legend of the Sword imagine because i just rewatched it for like the fifth time today. I swear this was meant to be short and lightweight but you know me wh00ps (honestly don’t even like this one sm, I’m just posting it bc it’s the first thing I’ve written in aaaaaggeesss)

My Masterlist

Paranoid

Arthur let out a deep breath as he felt himself being pulled out of his unconscious state and back into his bed, where the sunlight began to stream in. It flooded the room, illuminating it with a dim glow and slight warmth, something he appreciated deeply. He had yet to open his eyes, but a small smile already invaded his features.

This smile was due to one thing and one thing in particular: you. Arthur’s mind was swamped with memories of last night’s happenings, contently basking in every touch and laugh the two of you shared, not to mention everything else that came after that. His brain recreated your face so beautifully in front of lids, which were shut, that he couldn’t keep himself from thinking of you persistently.

After a while, Arthur’d had enough of imagining your face and felt an urge to see it for himself again. He wanted to be able to study every dip and curve on it, and engrave it into his memory more than it already was, if that was even possible.

Prompted by these desires, Arthur slowly rolled over, gently cracked his eyes open. To his dismay, he was greeted by an empty bed.

How weird; he could’ve sworn you’d stayed the night. Hell, he remembered all the times he’d fallen into fleeting moments of consciousness, looking around only to be met with your angelic features, unbothered as you rested next to him.

It couldn’t have been a dream. No, he was sure of it.

Maybe you’d already gotten up.

Following this thought process Arthur slowly peeled the fur blanket off his almost naked figure, swinging his legs over the bed as he pulled himself up. Quietly, he padded over to the bathroom. He stood in front of the door. “Y/N?” Arthur called out, not wanting to sneak up on you and scare you. He stayed still, observing the unperturbed wooden door, which he later opened, only to find the bathroom was empty. His frown only deepened at this finding, assuming you must’ve gone downstairs. You always did like having an early breakfast with the girls. Walking back to his room, Arthur snatched up some clothes and got dressed quickly.

Downstairs, the main room was rather full. The girls ate breakfast and chatted as some men hung out with them, striking up conversation, too. As he descended down the stairs, Arthur adjusted his jacket, scanning the room. You were nowhere to be found. He sighed, walking up to WetStick and nudging him, drawing his attention. “‘Haven’t seen Y/N, have you mate?”

WetStick raised an eyebrow. “Thought she was with you.”

Arthur blew out a breath. “Was. I think she left earlier this morning. ”

“You sure? I’ve been up since the wee morning, ‘aven’t seen her.” BackLack chimed in joining the boys. He had a piece of bread in his hands and crumbles falling out of his mouth as he spoke.

Arthur’s heart skipped a beat. There’s no way you could’ve left without him seeing you. Still, he tried to ignore the uneasy feeling he got. He was probably just being paranoid.

WetStick and BackLack shared a look, which then fell on Arthur, who’s gaze was instead fixated on the floor. WetStick spoke up, stealing the words out of BackLack’s mouth .“Is she alright?”

Arthur didn’t reply immediately, instead nodding. “O’ course”. It wasn’t a lie, was it? Y/N had to be alright, she’d just left early without anyone seeing her. That had to be it, right? Without directing another word to either of them, Arthur simply strolled out of the brothel, calmly closing the door behind him, leaving the two men to wonder what was going on.

Arthur, however, didn’t mind that he’d just left his two pals completely dumbfounded. All he wanted to do was find you and make sure you were alright.

He plotted out a path in his head, the first stop being the market. On his way there he saw Mike, who was selling furs. Instead of pestering him and demanding money from him, he decided to first ask about you instead. “Oi Mike. You know Y/N, yeah?”

Mike, who was busy unloading his furs, merely looked up to answer. “Your girl? Ye.”

“Great. She hasn’t happened to have strolled through here, has she?” He pressed, leaning against Mike’s wagon, calculating how much Mike would owe him for transporting all this fur. Mike shook his head. Fuck.

“Alright then.” As Arthur began to back away, he tried his best not to sound worried. He turned to Mike once more, considering whether or not he’d make Mike pay up. Finally, he decided he had more important matters to attend to, and just let him be for now. He’d have to have another talk with him about paying his damn commission later.

Upon arriving at the market, he noted it was, like the brothel, quite more packed than usual. On a regular day he’d stop and observe amateur pick pockets with WetStick and BackLack, an activity they found rather entertaining when they had the time for it. Other times, he’d work his own thieving magic on passerbys, but today, he had time to do neither.

His eyes stopped on a small figure, wearing a coat he’d seen on you many times before. As relief washed over his system, he moved swiftly, his expert footwork allowing him to sift through the crowd seamlessly. He snaked his arm around your waist, making you jump and instantly turn around to face him. Except it wasn’t you.

The lady staring back at Arthur was a complete stranger. She stared at him as if he were a pervert, and honestly, he couldn’t blame her. “Sorry miss.” He murmured, scurrying away quickly to hide his embarrassment, feeling the nervousness and anxiety regarding your whereabouts settle in again: If you weren’t in the market, where the hell else could you be?

Arthur kept his head down as his feet led him towards the ports, still making sure to be very aware of all the faces moving past him, not wanting to miss yours because he was distracted.

Unlike everywhere else today, the ports were relatively empty. It wasn’t absolutely devoid of people, he realized, it was just because the vikings’ spot was empty.

Shoving his hands into his jacket and pushing down his nerves, Arthur neared a familiar man working at a fruit stand. He’d met and talked to the man before, but his name always seemed to slip Arthur’s mind for some strange reason. The man called Arthur’s name, to which he replied with a nod.

“Where are the vikings?” Arthur asked, glancing back at the spot where the men had been just days ago.

The man merely shrugged, his lips falling into a straight line. “Lord knowns. They left at the crack of dawn. Raided the streets, took some girls wit’ ‘em. One girl was particularly petrified.” Arthur scrunched his nose as he began to get a bad feeling about this story. “Twas sad really. But you know how it is, I wasn’t about to intervene and get me head chopped off.”

Arthur wasn’t sure he’d heard anything the man said after mentioning that ‘one girl’, but he nodded anyway. “What else do you know about the girl. What’d she look like?”

As he heard the man’s description of said girl, Arthur could feel his stomach sinking deeper and deeper inside of him. Apart from how each characteristic he listed sounded peculiarly like you, he couldn’t help but imagine all the things that would happen if that truly was you. He bit down on his lip hard, trying to listen to the rest of the explanation, but the blood pumping fiercely through his veins and behind his ears almost kept him from being able to. Not that he minded, really. That information alone was enough to get his mind going. It killed him to think of you, his beautiful, sweet girl being manhandled by those bastards. Oh the things he’d do if they laid a single, dirty hand on your precious skin.

Arthur felt like he wanted to do multiple things, mostly scream out in anger and beat somebody to a pulp, but for now he just balled his fists at his sides. As soon as the man finished talking, Arthur thanked him and excused himself.

Arthur moved like lightning, marching with heavy footsteps back to the brothel. Even though the menacing frown etched on his face made him look furious on the outside, he felt like he could cry, but he’d save that for later on in the night, when he could be alone with his thoughts. For now he’d have to try his hardest to ignore his dreadful thoughts that were now beginning to eat away at his brain.

“Outta the way.” He called out, shoving people in all directions, moving with fast, abrupt motions. You were his top priority now, it’s not like he’d stop and think about his manners. He almost kicked down the door to the brothel, not bothering to even acknowledge the surprised faces that stared back at him upon entering.

Arthur trudged up to WetStick and BackLack, who were both already conveniently sat together. “The Graybeards took Y/N.” He blurted out, wasting absolutely no time with euphemisms.

Both men looked utterly shocked as they tried to take in Arthur’s words as well his facial expression, a mixture of disgust and genuine anger. They looked like they were about to speak, but Arthur dismissed them with the wave of a hand. “I’ll go upstairs and get my things, then I’ll be back to come up with a plan.” And just like that Arthur was gone again, bolting up the stairs as his mind clouded over with all the different contacts he had that could help him, all the different routes he could take, materials he’d potentially need, and anything else that seemed relevant. He was ready to flip Londinium upside down to get you back safely.

Arthur swung the door to his room open, feeling seconds away from ripping it off its hinges. He took a single step into the room before he froze completely, unable to believe his eyes.

You sat on his bed, nonchalantly looking off somewhere in the distance.  You were right there. One thought swam through his head, jumping out apart from all the others, the most important to him. You were safe.

A couple seconds later you looked up, finally acknowledging his presence. As the weight of a thousand worlds lifted off his shoulders, you began to greet him, but he cut you off as he dove down and hoisted you off the bed in and into the air, his muscular arms nearly knocking the wind out of you. The joy that swelled up inside of him in that second was just indescribable. A section of your clothes was bunched up in one of his hands while the other tangled itself in your hair, pushing you safely into the crook of his neck while he squeezed his eyes shut. He held onto you so tightly that if he pressed even just the tiniest bit harder he’d probably leave an unintentional bruise.

“Arth, you’re hurting me.” Your voice sounded out small and fragile, squeezed through the layers of Arthur’s clothes.

“I’m sorry, baby.” He mumbled into your hair, instantly letting go. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you. Arthur pulled you back by your shoulders and took a moment to contemplate your face. Although you were completely confused, to him you looked more beautiful than ever. He didn’t want to waste any time, so he pulled you back into his arms, this time more gently. The hand that was once ferociously gripping onto your clothes was now delicately resting on your waist, while the other stayed on your back. He proceeded to plant a kiss on your forehead, later laying his chin atop your head.

You allowed him to cradle you as you rested your head against his broad chest, listening as his heart beat began to settle down. Both of your hands went under his shirt, rubbing circles on his bare back, something that you’d learned was especially soothing to him.

“My god...” He whispered, thanking every god he could think. He couldn’t be happier to have been wrong. “I was so worried about you, darling.” Arthur mumbled into your hair.

His hands unwrapped themselves from around your figure, letting you stand up straight once again. “What? Why?”

Arthur ran a hand through his hair, letting out a troubled sigh. “I didn’t know where you were. I thought something happened to you. I thought the vikings had taken you, I-”

“Shh, calm down Arth. It’s fine. I’m fine.” You assured him as you ran a hand down his arm, all the way to his big hands now encased around yours.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I was just so worried.” He repeated, stopping again to look at your face. “Where were you, anyway?”

“I went to the market to grab some apples to make your favorite apple pie.”

“But I went to the market. I didn’t see you there.” Arthur replied, confused. He even remembered looking specifically at the apple stand and not seeing you at all.

“I was probably there before you. When I came back the boys said you’d just left.” Oh. His mind took him back to few minutes, when he hadn’t given either of his mates a chance to speak because he was so caught up with all the viking stuff. If he’d let them speak he’d probably spared himself a couple minutes of agony.

Arthur chuckled softly, feeling incredibly stupid for making such a big deal out of nothing. He ran a hand down his face, which you must’ve interpreted as him feeling annoyed with you. “I’m sorry I left so early, but you know how it is, if you don’t get there early you won’t get to pick the good ones. Please don’t be mad.”

Instantly, Arthur shook his head. “Oh, no love. I’m not mad. It’s my fault, I was just being paranoid.” He couldn’t be mad at you, not even if he tried.

He reached over to stroke a piece of your hair that’d fallen out of place. He twirled it around his finger, not looking you in the eye at first, but slowly making his way back up to meet your eyes. “You know I love you right, sweetheart. Very, very much. And I’ll never let anyone hurt you.”

You nodded slowly, looking at him with loving eyes. “Yes, and I love you, too.”

A smile spread across Arthur’s face, the smile that only appeared when he was around you. His eyes danced around your features, stopping at your lips. Scooting closer to you, he leaned in as you did the same, your lips willingly parting. His tender lips moved slowly against yours, not pushy, not needy, but loving and caring instead.

He drew back, still letting your foreheads touch as he brought a calloused hand up to your cheek. Arthur’s didn’t allow his eyes to leave yours until he brought his lips up to your forehead, letting his chin place itself on your head again. “I will always protect you, love.”

Running his fingers through your hair, he felt himself let go of all the emotions he was previously harboring. He never wanted to have to feel that way again. Never wanted to have the thought of something being wrong with you even cross his mind.

You were one of the last bits of happiness and love in his life and he didn't know what he’d do with himself if you were gone. Shuddering at the thought, he closed his eyes again, allowing his mind to drift. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you.” He repeated, more to himself than to you, but still a promise nonetheless.

A promise he very much intended to keep.  

More Fics By Me

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“You started sitting by me at lunch because I’m alone at my table but we never talk to each other” AU (Sheith or plance whatever inspires you!)

combined this with another college AU I saw floating around somewhere that said: “You’re the RA and you’re trying to bust me for having hermit crabs.” I’m sorry but I’m also not. here ya go, Justine ;)

[Ao3 link] in case you want to read there bc it got a little long

“Hey, mind if I sit?”

Keith looks up from his Econ 1 reading to find Shiro hovering by the seat in front of him, a plate in either hand.  A well-balanced meal, Keith notes—one plate has been dedicated specifically to fruits and vegetables, the other piled with careful portions of today’s chicken stir-fry, eggplant, and brown rice.

Shrugging, he says, “It’s a free country,” mostly because he knows that Shiro will sit down anyways.  It must be an RA thing: the ability to, at any time, locate one of your residents and administer whatever aid is needed.  In this case, Shiro has noticed Keith’s empty table, swooping in to save his freshman from being That One Kid Sitting By Himself in the Corner.

What Shiro has overlooked, however, is that Keith is eating alone by choice.  He has twenty minutes to scarf down his food and assemble an understanding of the income elasticity of demand before he heads to section.  More like twelve minutes, once you factor in how long it takes to put up his dishes and dash across campus.  So yeah, not much time for small talk.

Unfazed, Shiro sits down, swiping some napkins from the table dispenser.

“I’ll leave you to your work,” he says knowingly, eyes twinkling with good humor as he raises a fork and knife and busies himself with cutting up his lunch.  Keith blinks, a little, at that, before shoveling the rest of his cornbread in his mouth and relocating his paragraph on the page.

He reminds himself that Shiro gets paid for this.  It makes him feel less guilty.

*

The thing is, Keith has a secret.

While other people choose to stock their dorm rooms with succulents, coffee machines, or decked out desktops, Keith came to college certain of one thing: he was taking his hermit crabs with him.  Rescued from a booth on the boardwalk during the senior year field trip, Pearl and Raf have remained safely in his care for a year now.  There wasn’t anyone back home he trusted leaving their tank with, so they had to come here.

Rolo has been an accommodating roommate, for the most part.  Largely, Keith suspects, because Rolo just doesn’t give a shit.  Their relationship revolves around the age-old motto of “you do your thing and I do mine.”  Each boy’s junk stays on his respective side of the room.  The trash gets taken out on time. The system works.

And if Rolo ever does decide to throw Keith under the bus of the “no pets” policy, well.  Keith knows where Rolo hides his weed.

Still, these reassurances don’t protect Keith from the miniature heart attack he suffers when someone knocks on their door.  Hurriedly, Keith scoops Pearl and Raf off his desk and back into their tank, throwing a tarp over it.

When he eases the door open, Shiro is standing in the hall, one hand braced against the doorframe.  The pose pulls his shirt tightly across his chest, accentuating his pecs, and Keith is reminded that his RA is a junior on the swimming team.  Those arms could probably heave Keith over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and it would be no problem for Shiro to muscle his way into the room.

Shit. The realization smacks Keith in the face.  Shiro knows about the crabs.  He’s here to confiscate them.

Keith is not going down without a fight.

“Keith!” Shiro smiles, which is already suspicious.  “How are you?”

“Fine,” Keith answers.  Wary.

Shiro nods.  “Good.  Because we’d love to have you join us for the hall meeting…” He trails off, raising an eyebrow.

Keith glances behind him to the clock on his table.  10 PM. Wednesday. Hall meeting.  That was…definitely an email that was sent, which he might have deleted without reading.

“Right,” Keith says, squeezing through the small opening he left between the door and the frame.  Shiro steps back to give him space; Keith tries to hide his relief when the door clicks shut behind him.  Pearl and Raf will remain safe for another day.

“Well?” he asks, starting ahead.  Behind him, Shiro is watching him strangely, the hint of a smile on his lips.  “Let’s go.”

*

It is 3 AM in the goddamn morning.  Keith shifts from foot to foot for warmth, blowing air into his hands.  The fire alarm continues to screech, whistling through the wintry air as the rest of the dorm residents stagger outside.  Lance, who lives down the hall from him, walks over, some sort of white paste caked to his face.

“Do you have any idea what’s going on?”

“No,” grunts Keith.

“Don’t know why I thought you would,” Lance mutters, leaving to find someone more helpful.

“Smart, grabbing your jacket,” someone else says; Keith turns to find Shiro grinning at him, clad in nothing but fraying red pajama pants and a black muscle tee.  The cold doesn’t seem to faze him.  Makes sense, since Keith is pretty sure Shiro was meant to be a bronze statue somewhere and just got lost in transit.

“Yeah,” Keith says, not wanting to betray the fact that currently, there’s a hermit crab shoved in each pocket of said jacket.  He hadn’t been sure if the fire was real or not—better safe than sorry.  It’s not going to be good for Pearl and Raf, though, if they stay out in this temperature any longer.

Shiro places a hand on his shoulder.  Keith nearly jumps under the touch.  “I’m going to go make sure everyone else is okay.  Stay warm, all right?”

“All right,” Keith says, finding his voice, but Shiro has already disappeared into the crowd.      

*

Saturday night, the common room smells like blueberry pancakes.  People poke their heads in, shuffling away when Shiro gives an apologetic look and says, “Sorry, guys, I’m out.”  It’s almost 2 AM and his on call is winding down; on the couch, Keith settles in, closing his eyes and readying himself for some blessed peace.

“Keith?”

Slowly—and not without a hint of annoyance—Keith opens his eyes.  Shiro frowns at him over the top of the sofa, a streak of flour dashed across the bridge of his nose, somehow.

“Wouldn’t you rather sleep in your own bed?”

“Can’t,” Keith grumbles.  “There’s a sock on my door.”  He’d known it was only a matter of time—Rolo and Nyma had been orbiting each other all of this past month—but the sexiling is a bit of an annoyance.

Shiro bites his lip, but his amusement at Keith’s predicament shows in the upward tick of his eyebrows, the slight crinkle at the corners of his eyes.

“You can crash in my room, if you want.”

“It’s okay,” Keith says quickly.

“Seriously, Keith.  I’ve got an extra mattress and you’ll be undisturbed.  Plus that way you’ll be safe from anyone drawing on your face or taking a picture for the dorm slideshow.”  This last part, said teasingly.

Keith thinks about it a little longer.

“All right, fine,” he decides, sitting up.  He just barely manages to catch the keys Shiro tosses at him.

“I need to finish cleaning up here.  Leave the door unlocked—you know where my room is, right?”

“How could I not,” Keith says, shuffling out of the lounge.

He pushes open Shiro’s door carefully.  He’s caught glimpses inside it once or twice while passing by, but he’s never set foot in it before, despite numerous invitations.  It’s small but well-kept: a spare mattress underneath the lofted bed, a couch pushed up against the other wall, a nice monitor and various posters—Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and one that probably makes sense to history majors but which Keith is too tired to try and figure out right now.

He toes off his shoes and sets them aside so Shiro won’t trip over them, then goes to the mattress, curling up on his side.  There’s even a blanket, which he draws to his chin; that sends its smell wafting toward his nose, and suddenly he’s no longer tired.

The door handle turns.  Keith snaps his eyes closed, feigning sleep.  Shiro’s feet tread quietly across the carpet as he putters about the room; a few minutes later, the bedsprings above Keith’s head squeak, the sound of a body rolling into place.

Turning over onto his back, Keith stares up above him, eyes straining in the dark.  Shiro’s breaths come in soft, quiet puffs—a sound that should be soothing, but one that, instead, sets Keith’s heart beating faster.  Weird.  It’s never done that before.

It takes him a long time to fall asleep.

*

The rest of the year passes by uneventfully.  Keith decides that he most definitely is not going to be an Econ major and, at the same time, discovers a hidden passion for pottery.  Summer comes and goes, and soon enough he’s back on campus, trying to decide if he really has the stomach to eat today’s green bean special.

“Keith?”

It’s been a long time since he’s heard that voice. Even more shocking: the realization that he missed it.

He turns and Shiro is there, two plates like always, white-dyed tuft of hair swooping over his forehead.

“Hey,” says Keith, strangely self-conscious.

Shiro smiles.  “Are you sitting with anyone?”

“No.”

“Great. Let’s catch up, then,” he says, tilting his head, and there’s something new in the air between them now, their old lines and roles fallen away.

Keith follows.  He’s ready to talk.

*

Somewhere after the fifth time Keith makes Shiro laugh and the second time Shiro asks him on a date, they end up back at Keith’s place.

Thank god I drew into a single this year, Keith thinks as the door clicks shut behind him, Shiro a long line of muscle against his front, shifting under his hands.  Shiro’s shirt comes off and Keith kicks out of his shoes, stumbling forward in the dark—fingers grip his waist tightly, yanking him closer, and there’s a heady power to this, the knowledge that he can just keep guiding Shiro backwards with nothing but a press to his chest, backwards and backwards until they both fall onto his bed—

A teasing bite against his collarbone; his heart stutters for a beat, hands fumbling at Shiro’s belt, and then he trips over something and hits the corner of his desk.  

“Fuck,” Keith swears, partly because of the throbbing pain in his hip and partly because Shiro has just licked a stripe up the column of his neck.  Squinting through the blend of pain and desire, he turns on his desk lamp, just to make sure they haven’t knocked anything over.

To his relief, his haphazardly stacked column of books remains intact.  And the tank is fine, too—

Shiro, who up until this point has been doing an admirable job of working Keith free of his pants, stops.  His hair is mussed, his lips bitten red, a throaty disbelief in his voice as he turns toward the light and says:

“Are those…hermit crabs?”

What Gorillaz means to me

This might get a bit deep but I literally have no one to passionately talk about this to and ever since that Demon Dayz performance (which was the first live and full performance I’ve ever seen of them) I just need to spill it out. (if you’re on the app I’m sorry if this is super long.) I’ll try to make this an undercut thing but that’s if i figure out how to.

Anyways, so Gorillaz came into my life during this time and it has helped me so much. Most of the time whenever I find music during these various periods in my life, they only make me sad and feel worse and that’s it, I usually get over them and stop listening to them in a couple weeks, but this band is so different. Not only do they make me calmer with their slower tunes such as To Binge or Empire Ants, instead of making me angrier at the world like other groups I’ve listen to, they also have music that can switch my mood to joy and make me want to dance or even laugh (looking at you Tomorrow Comes Today, the video can either calm me or makes me laugh bc of 2D’s spinning and the band’s edge…idk it’s funny to me). The music just connects to me for any emotion I’m feeling and since I’m a very passionate person when it comes to music, it really affects me in a positive way. 

I started to learn more about the band and Damon and Jamie and I was just so interested in this virtual band concept and think it’s genius. It’s obsessive learning the backstories and everyone’s character traits/developments, the connection of music videos, all of it. It entertains me learning more and more and being a part of it right now is very fun now that I know a good amount of knowledge of the band. 

It’s not those two factors, but the community is so fucking kind.I had made some comments and even art for the band on my personal tumblr and immediately got reblogs and likes, which I never got since I usually just reblog, but I have contributed to other fandoms and they’ve never been as active as this community as been. Soon, I started reading the imagine blogs @gorillazimagines , @gorillaztrashimagines , @stupotimagines , @imagine-2d etc. and I loved it. It just added to my interest and really fed my imagination and creativity until eventually my interest of the music and writing prompts just made me think I should mix the two. (also something to learn about me is whenever I hear a song a scenario or music video idea comes in my mind and it’ll stay there until I make it a thing. I haven’t been able to make any music videos because I’m a broke bish but the idea stays in my mind but anyways,) one day I went to @gorillaztrashimagines and asked them if I should create a blog with that gorillaz song fic idea and she thought it was cool so with that validation I did it. I didn’t know how to explain my idea well so I made this whole complicated system for it and once people understood it the way I do, things went off. I started getting a lot of request and followers and in the matter of a couple weeks I went from 100..200…400..800..etc. followers, and getting messages from people saying they loved the idea of the blog/my writing and every time stuff like that or a new follower milestone or a submission or dm comes I get so happy because I feel so welcomed and like I’m making people happy which I absolutely love doing.

I started talking to people like @melancholy-blog-gorillazimagines , @tyrrant , once @imagine-2d and someone names snorillaz who i currently can’t find (all people who I loved talking to but,as mentioned before in another post, I’m afraid to bother people so I try to initiate a conversation and chicken out) and try to connect with my followers every once and a while (I get scared to bother them too, especially when I have writer’s block and can’t give them what this blog is about lol) and whenever I do I just feel like a part of something great and it brings a lil bit of joy to this shitty bump in my life.

So I’m currently at around 970 followers, almost to 1,000 and that’s absolutely insane to me. I’m very happy that a lot of people love my writing since I never get to practice creative writing because of school so I personally don’t feel like I’m the best at it, even though I love doing it. Anywho, I have that, the music and character’s activeness has made me happier than I would’ve been and gets me through a lot. It drowns out background arguments and distracts me from nerves I get during tests, all that. I have a drive other than trying not to disappoint my parents and go to college, like I have a daily motivation to come here and write and interact, and it’s all because of Gorillaz. I realized that during the Demon Dayz festival.

Like, I was watching this livestream and suddenly realized how in the matter of like 3 months all this has happened to me and I have found multiple passions beyond just loving music from Gorillaz and how they’ve made me happy in numerous ways and I just started getting this feeling in my chest. It may be kind of sad on how emotionally connected I’ve become, I’ve been kindly teased by a couple of friends on how quickly I got into Gorillaz but I couldn’t help it. It’s just a cool concept and it has amazing music and active people, what else could you want? Anyways, I just would like to thank Damon and Jamie for making such an amazing thing and bringing joy to so many people, including myself. I’m sorry this is literally an essay and I’m rambling but that performance Damon gave really made me feel things. I’d also like to thank you guys, for giving me prompts and a reason to get up and go through my days other than making my parents proud. This blog has really given me a reason for myself other than someone else which is something I need right now.

I’m gonna shut up now but yeah, just thank you. That’s what Gorillaz and all of you mean to me, I’m sorry if I’ve weirded you out, I’ll probably cringe and delete this later since that’s what I always do whenever I get deep lmao. But yeah <3

Who is your favorite OC? Pls share their backstory I must know👀

to be honest it’s totally Devon. I’ve had him sinceee about the 6th grade, and he’s been concrete since about 7th grade (I’m almost a junior!). He’s so important to me :’). Whenever I feel sad I just work on him or write about him and it cheers me up real fast. 

haha his backstory is a loooong, complicated mess. I literally went on an 1.5-2 hour rant about his backstory at a sleepover once, it was ridiculous how long it took for me to talk about him. I actually wrote a response for this ask yesterday, but it got deleted I hate my life. It was soooo long because I wrote it in the way I speak. You’re probably getting a lot more than you bargained for :’). I’ll put it below the cut so everyone else doesn’t suffer. 

im gonna use bullet points bc i like them and theyre shorter

note: universe is like. sci-fi. there’s space stuff you know

full name: Devon Mateo Westmore

born: August 16th 

a leo!!! do with that what you will

as far as parents go, they’re kinda dicks basically

Devon was a complete accident and he’s kind of treated as such

they’re pretty neglectful?? they really dont give a crap abt him frankly

they’re more interested in making bank with their jobs and turning up

has a sister who’s like graduating or smthn. she’s old. her name’s Lucía. 

she also could give less than a crap about him and had a similar experience with their parents; just wants to be free and have no attachment to this rando baby 

is a total Problem Child™ during school because of his messy life, just wants attention and love really but never really gets it

universally hated by teachers all his life

high school is especially rough he is a disaster

he’s basically like party all day every day bitches bc is parents are never home/probably wouldnt reprimand him for going out anyways

he drinks a lot, does drugs 

he bangs a lot of people irresponsibly. A LOT of people.

is a player tbh he will flirt with anyone. very pansexual. 

makes a lot of (bad) friends 2 fill the Void™ and does a lot of illegal things

anyway fast forward to when he’s like 17-18 and school’s like yep time to graduate!! and hes basically like

but he does graduate in order for the story to move forward

but now he’s like careers????????

all he’s kind of enjoyed is music throughout high school but he’s like thats not what i want to do. 

yolo, he probably says to himself one day. I’ll just join the military and become a space pilot because thats what I wanted to do when i was 8

so BASICALLY i haven’t figured out how I want this space military to work but he ends up in like an academy (he’s like around 19ish) or smthn 

this is where he starts to like chill tf out tbh

he discovers that he likes this a lot?? and he’s like dedicated to it???

a lot of like. coping happens and he has to figure out what kind of person he wants to be and recover™ himself

but yah he does well and he ends up being valedictorian nice going m8 

basically if you’re #1 in your class you get the opportunity to go to this like. school/training thingy. and it’s very exclusive but if you like graduate from their you’re like. set 

its like harvard except you could die there 

yolo, he thinks in yet another life decision he really shouldn’t be taking lightly. I want $$$$ so i’m about to make that place my bitch

he does not make that place his bitch

he suffers so much

by the end of the year/2 years he’s there, he does pretty well

He makes a bunch of good friends, and he gets a ton of experience. he’s really good because of it, as to be expected

while there the top of the class is this girl and her name is Adella

shes my daughter

Devon likes her but she’s like super stand-offish and he’s a party kid so he’s like

“hard pass.”

but he has like mad respect and he thinks she’s chill

the feelings mutual

anyways like RIGHT before they graduate she gets recruited to this special program because she’s top of the class and like disappears he never sees her again

sike

but not for a while at least……………

so like fast forward he’s like 23 maybe

he’s got a good job, he’s living it up really?? he’s just like pretty happy all around he has a life, an apartment, friends

he gets an email from this girl and she’s like yo

I’m Tamara, my mother passed away recently but I discovered that our parents are apparently siblings?? I never knew I had a cousin, I heard you live in the area and I was just wondering if you wanted to get to know each other 

and hes basically like damn if i’m about to pass up this chance!!!!!!!!

Tamara works as a programmer literally one (1) city away 

basically they just?? end up getting along really well?? Devon spends a lot of his off days hanging out with her

he’s so ecstatic to finally have someone who’s his family like she treats him like a little brother

probably Tamara also has a younger sibling, their name is Calix. they work as a doctor and dont see Tamara often but the two are close regardless

they’ll be important later but for rn they’re not relevant

anyway, at some point they make plans for Devon to meet Tamara and he ends up at her work

and she’s chilling with this guy who is absolutely

fucking

gorgeous

Devon’s sure he died, right there, behind a goddamn cubicle,,

he’s frantically trying to think up something suave to say (are you the only tennessee no– wait–) when Tamara notices him

she introduces him to her hot friend, his name is Shay

Devon tries to play it cool

“Hey would you mind if Shay came w–”

“NO NOT AT ALL I WOULDNT MIND”

they go out for lunch

he chills out a little bit on the way enough to be his usual self

Shay mistakes flirting for good-natured joking

Devon suffers

They exchange numbers 

cue pining 

Shay continues to be oblivious

He has to be told point blank by Tamara whos like “Please, for the love of all that is good, fuck him go on a date with my cousin.”

“Has he been asking me on dates every time he takes me out?? every time??”

I love Shay so much u dont even know

Shay is basically a really pure and happy person, literally nothing can get him down ever he’s just trying to live his best life

he’s everything to Devon, he’s so sunshiney and nice and Devon has just been through some stuff and his life is going well and now he has been blessed with this beautiful, perfect boy….,,,

it’s not like Devon has never dated anyone before, most of his relationships have been purely physical but he’s been in romantic relationships w people

but this is like. it he knows it. 

they date for about a year, everything’s fantastic

and then

things are heating up politically, and Devon’s in the military so they need him somewhere else

right now everyones living in like?? around india somewhere and they need him in like. canada.

hes understandably upset

he’s gotta move. acROSS THE GLOBE.

he’s not going to break up with bae but they’ve got to talk through this like Adults™

so they talk through it

and Shay’s basically like

“fuck no, i’m moving with you idiot

did you think you were just going to move away from me bench?? sike”

they move in together

I used to have their apartment layout drawn up on homestyler but they reset the system and it’s gone into the void so i’ll have to remake it :’)

so now they’re moved in which is super great everything is popping

remember Calix? they’re relevant again

basically, Calix has been dating this girl for a while now and they’ve gotten serious but their relationship is not working out because she is a mess tbh and they love each other very much but they are not good for each other

Calix isn’t emotionally receiving or helpful he’s very blunt so they end up splitting up because she doesn’t need a relationship  

Said girl is Adella

Adella is a mess basically

the program she was recruited for made her very successful, very well known in her field and in a lot of ways, among common people

but downside is there was a lot of government dirty work she was kind of pressured into doing

there’s also a lot of hush hush skirmish’s that have been occurring that she had to stop

she’s been struggling with depression for a lot of her life and she has PTSD so when her contract is up she decides to take a break™ 

her and Calix’s relationship kind of falls apart but she’s friends with Tamara and she’s like I need to leave somewhere and get out of this messiness, i’m going to move back home (Canada)

Tamara is like

LIGHTBULB DING DING DING

she doesn’t think that Adella shoudnt be on her own, she wants someone to supervise her and make sure she doesnt accidentally starve or smthn

she has the best intentions but she kind of tricks Devon and Shay tbh

“Hey you guys got an apartment with an extra room?? Can you take in my friend for a while, she’ll pay rent, she has a job she’s just trying to find a nice place to live but she needs to move to the area rn”

the two of them are like “yeah sure lol sounds legit tammy we ly

Adella shows up on their doorstep with the intention to live there for like 2 years

cue Shay internally flipping his shit over this lowkey celebrity whos going to LIVE in HIS APARTMENT DEVON DID YOU CLEAN THE KITCHEN

Devon is not phased 

he knows Adella from school so he’s just kind of like hey its u whats banging girlie

he basically just treats her like normal and she is so appreciative 

basically they become SQUAD i love them and thats the beginning of my story and thus ends background 

i’m sorry this was so long i tried so hard but i got carried away. double sorry for taking so long I have like 3 end of school projects due rip me

Thank you so much for asking!! I can’t tell you how much it means to me :’)) If you made it this far through my story I applaud you. thanks for reading!!! Feel free to message me if you have any questions 

A WEEK WITHOUT SOCIAL MEDIA

January 14, 2018

            Last night, I was completely not being myself, I was sad; I don’t even know what to do. I felt so tired of everything but I can’t do anything. I just want to sleep for a long time. I overthink A LOT. I suddenly thought what if I try to stay away from social media for one day. What would happen? At first, syempre feeling ko parang no, I’m not gonna do it. But then today, as I woke up, I thought why not try it for a week. I wanted to challenge myself kasi I realized na halos 80% of my day, I spend it looking through my phone, scrolling thru facebook, twitter, check updates from my friends, tweets ridiculous stuff to get everyone’s attention, like I needed a validation from everyone else. Getting those likes or hearts makes me happy, helped me quite boost my confidence pero at the end of the day I always ask myself masaya ba talaga ako? I also tweeted last night na “sobrang mapanlinlang ng social media kasi akala ng mga tao ang saya saya ng buhay mo but in real life hindi ka naman talaga masaya” KASI HINDI NAMAN TALAGA. And I’m tired of faking happiness, I don’t know. Some people would probably think na nagpapapansin lang ako and I don’t fucking care so quits lang.

            Anyways, around 12PM I started deleting Facebook, Messenger and later on Twitter. I logged out my main account on Instagram but I have another account which is where I post daily pics for my 365 days thing challenge AND I CAN’T MISS POSTING so yun lang yung social media app ko right now. I don’t consider youtube as a social media since you aren’t actually interacting with people unless you’re a youtuber or whatever, also di naman ako masyado nanunuod sa youtube. So basically I can’t do anything with my phone, Spotify and Photography apps lang meron ako. I SERIOUSLY DON’T WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. No one’s texting me rin so okay, naglaba ako saka inayos ko drawer ko, I’m also re-reading yung book ni Alex Gonzaga na “Dear Alex, Break na kami. Paano?! Love, Catherine” I don’t know kung itutuloy ko pa hahaha omg.

            Fast forward to evening, nag-paload na ako kasi di ko na kayang walang kausap. You know, isolating yourself from social media makes you feel more alone. No notifications, no messages, no anything. Napaisip tuloy ako kagabi what if di ako nag-post sa ig story ko na I’m doing this, would people really care? Would people start worrying about me? Would they actually notice that I was gone? Okay enough. Maaga ako natulog kasi wala narin talaga ako magawa.

DAY 1 – January 15, 2018

            Goodmorning! Is it? Nasanay akong ino-on yung wifi ko first thing in the morning and waiting for notifs but then I remembered I deleted my apps and went straight to office bcs OJT. And sa office, di naman ako masyado nahirapan kasi I was thinking of doing something else. Kasi syempre since I promised myself not to access any of my social media accounts, may mga ideas na pumapasok sa utak, like what should I do on this certain day or whatever. Right now, since hindi pa maayos yung wall ko sa kwarto naming I decided to plan a design for it and I’m actually enjoying this thing. Kanina rin tinry, I joined this challenge thing na pag-gawa ng User Interface for a Weather App na inemail sakin nung katrabaho ko dito sa OJT and so far, masaya naman. To be honest ang dami na naka-draft sa utak ko na gusto kong i-tweet but then okay next week nalang. HAHAHA. It’s only the second day pero hey I’m quite enjoying this. Being away from social world makes you feel alone for real like what I’ve said earlier, pero through this I realized na mas nagkakaron ako ng time for myself. Time for me to think about what I should do next, hindi lang basta mag-scroll sa fb and twitter and watch kung ano nangyayari sa buhay ng ibang tao. Spotify will be my company for the whole week, and kung walang music? Feeling ko mabibingi ako sa silence.

            Many things happened to me today. VERY UNLUCKY OF ME. It is something sort of traumatizing and I will not say it here. Kahit di masyado naging maganda yung araw ko I made it quite productive by designing my wall. I printed a lot of aesthetic stuff I got from the internet, some of them were my postcards (BTS, Dean, Suspicious Partner) Hindi ko pa tapos tbh kasi I’m planning to include Kimi No Na Wa dun sa wall since it’s really something. I also included the album covers I made dun sa mga playlist na ginawa ko sa Spotify. I’ll be putting the links or pictures below. It is actually really nice na naisip kong gawin to (wall design) since wala naman akong ibang pwedeng gawin hahaha. Pero ayun nga, it’s nice to have something to stare at. Every time na nag-wall design ako tinititigan ko lang after and I feel happiness by staring at it. I don’t know, ang sarap lang talaga kasi titigan nung mga happy faces sa polaroids alam niyo yun. Yung memories it would suddenly all flashback to you.

DAY 2 – January 16. 2018

            It’s Tuesday and it is supposed to be my rest day sa OJT pero I decided pumasok kasi gusto ko narin naman matapos to. I’m tired of waking up tapos pagpasok sa office wala rin masyadong gagawin, kasi wala rin namang maipagawa sakin. Feeling ko tuloy parang ang wala kong kwenta hahahaah dejk. Everything’s going well naman so far, medyo nasasanay na yung self ko na hindi masyadong hawak yung phone ko unless mag-pplay lang ako ng music.Ay nga pala, forgot to tell you all na natutuwa akong gumawa ng playlist sa Spotify ang saya lang kasi talagang gumawa lalo na yung part na gagawa ako ng album cover for that playlist, I think this would become my hobby.

            I just got home and I was alone earlier, di pumasok yung ibang mga kasama ko sa OJT huhu but it’s okay, saying din oras. Pero nagsayang lang din naman ako ng oras sa office kasi wala akong magawa. Since I can’t use social media kung ano ano na pumapasok sa isip ko na gawin. I wanted to read David Levithan’s novel book na “Every Day” kasi ang tagal ko na gusting basahin yun nung high school pero I didn’t when I had the chance. So ayun, pahirapan makahanap ng pdf online, luckily I found one hehe pati yung “Another Day”. And since gagawing film yung Every Day I hopeeee mabasa ko na siya before ko mapanuod haha. Bukod sa paghanap ng pdf ng mga books, I also read articles about sa mga black mirror episodes yung mga analysis nung mga episodes kasi I wanted to understand it more and read reviews. Pati yung meaning ng mga kanta ni Taylor Swift sa reputation album sinearch ko. Jusko I obviously got nothing else to do sa office lmao. Fast forward to uwian (yey) it’s raining outside and I felt the sadness, alone, sad, raining wow really nice di ba. When I got home, kumain muna ako syempre and naisip kong manuod ng horror movie, I watched “Happy Death Day” and it’s actually good. Di naman sya yung type ng horror na sobrang matatakot ka so sa mga di mahilig sa horror, pwede niyo naman panuorin, matutuwa kayo kasi may halong comedy and sort of romance naman yung movie. Although, quite disappointed with the ending, sa reason nung killer bat niya pinapatay ng paulit-ulit yung bida. Basta ayun, panuorin niyo nalang. After that, nakatulog na agad ako.

DAY 3 – January 17, 2018

            It’s raining AGAIN. Actually, ambon lang naman and medyo hassle lang sa pag commute kasi basa. Hnggg. Ang aga ko na naman sa office, and feeling ko it’s one of the effects taking a break from social media kasi hindi nakakain yung oras ko ng pag-aayos sa pagpasok sa work. Walang distractions. And mapipilitan kang kumilos talaga kasi wala ka naman ibang gagawin lol. Today was like any other day sa office, nothing to do as of now huhu (give me something to do please)

            As I got home, I spent my night watching Black Mirror. Lol. Pinanuod ko yung Shut Up and Dance, San Junipero and Hang the DJ, nasimulan ko rin naman yung Men Against Fire pero di ko natapos inantok na ako. Out of all episodes, yung Hang the DJ yung pinakagusto ko, naiyak nga ako eh wala namang kaiyak iyak talaga ng bongga pero na-attach ako masyado dun sa episode na alam mo yun nilabanan nila yung system kasi they both believe na sila yung perfect match ayun la lang, pero sa ending yun pala yung totoong sila, yung Amy and Frank is just virtual lol pero anyways, at least sila yung nag-end up together in real life (hopefully). Honestly, I also spent my time reading articles and reviews about Black Mirror kanina sa office. I got seriously nothing else to do, nag-check ako ng email ko na ginagamit ko sa fb and found some people messaging me pero all I can was “*Name* has sent you a message” and kailangan kong buksan messenger to read the message kaso I have to stick with my experiment.

DAY 4 – January 18, 2018

            Nothing quite special about this day, this is like reliving my day over and over again. Lol. Oh wait, I drank 3 cups of coffee today and I felt like my heart’s going to burst anytime. I realized na wala na talagang epekto kape sakin, after ko kumain when I got home nanuod lang ako saglit ng Black Mirror (again) and I fell asleep agad, ramdam ko yung pagod kahit wala naman ako masyadong ginawa today. Also, I waited for almost an hour sa terminal jusko. Yun lang haha boring no? Gusto ko na bumalik sa social media not because I miss it (Well, sort of) pero kasi yung ka-group ko sa thesis need makausap haha pero nakiusap nalang ako sa kaklase ko to chat him haha.

DAY 5 – January 19, 2018

            Today, akala ko malalate na ako ng bongga kasi it’s Friday and ang hirap sumakay because punuan sa bus haisxt. I can’t even help my officemate sa ginagawa niya although sabi eh tulong kami so ayun I really got nothing else to do, kahit gusto kong simulant yung docu nung UI ng Preventive Maintenance (project dito sa office) di parin masimulan kasi di pa approved yung design huhu. Pansin niyo bang paikli ng paikli yung mga kwento ko per day? Kasi paulit-ulit lang naman hahaha. Di naman din ako naging ganun ka productive lol kahit yung plano kong magbasa ng libro di ko rin naman nagawa.  

            Okay I finally decided to bring back my social media by 12PM because of important matters and wala akong ibang contact sa ka-group ko except sa messenger lang talaga. Di ko na-accomplish yung 1 week but 5 days was long enough to prove some things sa akin. It was fun though.

FINAL THOUGHTS

 TRY. IT. Especially if you are addicted to social media. You need to take a break from it, girl. For the past days wala akong idea about what’s happening with everyone’s lives pero as days passed, hindi naman sa walang pake pero di ko na masyadong iniisip kung ano yung nangyayari sa buhay ng ibang tao. One thing I realized is that, I really spend my time scrolling thru my feed and comparing myself to others na parang why am I not like them, why am I not as creative as them, nakaka-baba ng self-esteem indeed. As I said earlier, I read few articles about people who tried this “Social Media detox” some of them just found an alternative way of distracting themselves with their phones, some of them even said na nagbago yung perspective nila sa social media and it made them happy to learn some things. And for me, I’d go with second one, it was hard but it was fun trying to fill this void within you, once you’re away from social media you began to observe people around you (in real life) and ma-aamaze ka nalang and ma-sasad at some point kasi halos lahat ng tao eh nakatutok sa phones nila, most people don’t socialize or communicate with others narin. Sobrang laki na talaga ng impact ng social media sa buhay ng mga tao, actually based palang sa pinopost natin dapat di ka lang nagpopost basta basta eh, most of us post to gain likes, attention, recognition, the satisfying feeling na you’re beautiful and whatever. I know most of you understand that feeling, and we actually love that feeling. But the thing is, di na totoo yung ibang pinopost natin sa social media. Akala ng mga tao, ang saya saya ng buhay natin but in real life hindi naman. Why? Because nag-base sila sa posts natin sa social media. And if we tried to express ourselves, our frustrations, anxieties, about our depression a lot of people would still say “Ano na namang ka-dramahan yan?” and invalidates your feelings kasi nasa utak na nila na you’re a happy person, you are not that kind of person na malungkot, which is sad, which makes most of us trying to be real have anxieties and all. That’s shitty isn’t it? Imbes na icomfort natin yung tao, ginagago pa natin. Sana maging sensitive tayo about it. Omg wait di ko alam if what I’m saying is still related to what I want to really say. Haha. Anyway, nabasa ko lang din kasi sa isang article na one of the factors kaya tayo nagkaka-anxiety is because of social media and I actually agreed to that. The past days, I wasn’t really that sad, I believe na-lessen yung pag-ooverthink ko, kasi wala akong ibang iniisip kung hindi pano ko ma-eentertain yung sarili ko, how will I be productive, and start to think about what would happen to me in the future, yung mga ganung bagay. You start to think about yourself, about how you would impress yourself and not other people. I guess that’s it. It was a really fun thing to do.