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spacelazarwolf · 10 months

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tldr scroll down to see my new plants.

this is a departure from my usual posts, it's a bit more like hybrid blog/diary entry, idk, but here u go.

for those of y'all who don't know, one of my hobbies is plants. i like to collect them propagate them, trade them, etc. and my favorite type of plant is aroids, particularly philodendrons. it was a very difficult hobby to maintain after the plant boom during lockdown caused plant prices to skyrocket, so for the past year or two i haven't relaly been buying that many new plants, and when i have it's just been from garden centers or local nurseries.

yesterday, however, i went to an aroid show where there was a vendor from south america who had brought a bunch of specimens people could purchase. they're a family owned business that focuses on protection and preservation of biodiversity and native plant species, and all their plants are ethically sourced, usually grown in their own greenhouses from propagations instead of taking them from their natural habitat and selling them. so obviously i had to check them out.

but this is where i sort of pause while writing this post, because i get really nervous talking about spending money, especially on here. i've frequently asked for help when i needed assistance getting my account out of the red or paying late rent, so part of me feels like it would be insulting to post about things i spend money on that aren't the essentials. but my plants make me happy. they give me something to take care of. they brighten up my apartment. they give me something to be excited about. so i'm just gonna tell you about my new plants.

about a month ago when i left my old church job, they gave me a gift card that the choir had pitched in for. i couldn't get cash out, use it for rent, or transfer it to my bank account, so i decided it would be my hobby fund. when i found out about the aroid show, i set aside a portion of that fund for plants because i knew that the specimens at the show would be significantly less expensive than anything i could find online or in local shops, and it might be one of the only chances i would ever have to actually buy some of my wishlist plants.

this is a philodendron esmeraldense. this is what they look like when the leaves get bigger and more mature. this is one i hadn't seen before so it wasn't on my wishlist, but when i was checking the vendors' stock last week i loved how it looked. i'm gonna put it on a moss pole and let it climb. the leaves probably won't ever get as big as the one in the linked photo, but i'm still excited to watch it grow.

this is a terrible picture but this is a philodendron patriciae. they get super long. this one’s putting out like two new leaves. it’s also a climber. the ripples in the leaves get more intense as it matures, so paired with the very long leaves it looks so cool. i can't wait to grow this one bigger.

philodendron pastazanum. it’s a crawler so i’ll be getting a window box to put it in so it has space to grow across the substrate. this has been on my list for a while but i couldn’t find it anywhere. the big heart leaves are just gorgeous.

this is a philodendron melanochrysum. the leaves can get huge. technically i already have a smaller one, but this one was just so gorgeous. i will probably end up planting them together on one moss pole. it’s one of my favorite plants, i am a sucker for velvety leaves. you can see one of the older leaves is getting ready to drop, and i think i'm going to try to make a project out of it.

philodendron tortum. it feels like the kind of plant that would have been growing while the dinos were around. it's very reminiscent of a fern, but it is also a climber. i had one like two years ago but i had to sell it to pay some bills, so i'm happy to have it back in my collection.

the one in the center. anthurium veitchii, or king anthurium. this one was kind of an impulse buy. i don’t usually do anthurium but it was cheap and looked incredibly cool. they look even cooler when they get mature.

what is a king without his queen. anthurium warocqueanum, or queen anthurium. i wasn't sure if i wanted to tackle this one bc it's notoriously hard to take care of, but it was very cheap so i took the plunge. these also get super long, and the velvety shiny leaves are so pretty.

monstera obliqua peru. this was a unicorn plant. it is difficult to find in the wild, grows slowly, and is hard to propagate, so it was mostly just passed from collector to collector until the plant boom during covid. nodes of this plant, literally just bits of stem you would cross your fingers and hope would root and grow leaves, were going for a thousand dollars and a single leaf up to three thousand dollars a year or two ago. and now i have a very full plant for only forty bucks. 2020 me is screaming. this specimen looks a little squished from the trek from south america to the midwest, but when it acclimates to its new environment, it's going to look so cool. this is another plant that has dino vibes.

and finally the grand finale. philodendron spiritus sancti. i honestly can't believe i'm typing this. this plant is considered to be one of the rarest philodendrons in the world - if not the rarest. it only grows in one place, and there are reportedly only 10 known plants left in the wild because of a combination of poaching and the excessive clearing of their habitat. it was another one that pretty much only existed in high level (wealthy) collections for a very long time. now, more specimens of this plant exist in private collections than in the wild, which makes ownership of this plant very emotional for me. this is a plant that was going for upwards of $14k for large specimens at the height of the plant boom. people were scrambling to get their hands on that one plant that no one could get, the highest prize, a bragging point. no one cared if they were getting it ethically. someone even stole a cutting from a botanical garden just to sell it.

this plant was not on my wishlist because i never thought i would even get to see in person, let alone hold, let alone own. and yet yesterday i picked it up, held it in my hands, saw the two digit price tag, and decided yeah. i think it's only fair that the money a bunch of presbyterians gave me should go to adding a plant called a "spiritus sancti" to my jewish plant collection.

it still doesn't feel real. i can just look over at my plant cabinet, and there it is. a spiritus sancti. bc for me it was never about having a big name plant in my collection. it was never about bragging or showing off or just checking names off a list of things i was supposed to want if i was into houseplants. this plant still exists because botanists and aroid enthusiasts have worked tirelessly to conserve it. and having this little piece of history and the world in my little plant cabinet feels more like a responsibility to me than a prize.

so yeah. those are my new plants. i'm excited to see them grow and still a little starstruck that i was even able to bring home the last two.

#plant collection

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yesterdayiwrote · 11 months

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i think everyone overestimates drivers' relationships with one another, I am sure I do it too to some extent. But what truly bothers me the most about the lando and lewis matter is that the kid has run his mouth so many times. Had those things been said by any other driver, we would still be speaking about it. Norris has been honestly disrespectful so many times ( also how entitled can you really be with the guy who has literally won it all and will go down to be one the greatest in the history of the sport) and maybe idk lewis truly is more graceful than any of us. The guy has done the same with Ricciardo (not a fave of mine but also some stuff that was said last year was honestly just rude for the sake of it). The guy needs to learn how to be professional at times - it is not a good look.

The thing with Lando is he’s absolutely, 100% an overprivileged brat and that more often than not seems to influence his behaviour, and yet there’s a side order of ‘pick me’ about him too.

Take the trophy for instance. Any normal human being with an appreciation of the value of money would be horrified if they did that. Sure, it was an accident, but then surely the decent thing to do is apologise. At least show some inkling of remorse, even if it’s just a “Oh god, I didn’t mean to do that, I’m so sorry, I feel really bad!” Instead he instantly doubled down, turned it into a joke, and made out like it was no big deal, which is what the majority of privileged people do when they fuck up because they’re not used to being held to account. £40k is nothing to them, they’d probably piss it up the wall on a night out without a second thought.

Then there’s his comments about Lewis. He misguidedly thinks Lewis has never struggled because his privileged ass can only fathom ‘struggle’ as having a bad race car and being at the back of the grid. True struggles don’t even enter his mind when he runs his mouth making comments. His family have never struggled to make ends meet, he’s never struggled to have his racing career funded, he’s never had to rely on an academy to keep his racing dreams alive. He’s never struggled to be accepted in a paddock because of the colour of his skin. The extent of his ‘struggle’ is driving a car in P19, and because that’s the one struggle he perceives Lewis to not have experienced then he presumes that Lewis doesn’t truly know struggle.

The guy is a dick.

I can’t speak to why Lewis persists with giving him so many chances and is so charitable with him. I think he probably sees some of himself in him, and also… I think they probably have quite similar sense of humour. Lewis plays it cool but deep down he’s a bit of a goof? Lando’s immaturity is actually…right up Lewis’ street.

Lando undoubtedly trades off Lewis when it suits him, and then throws him straight under the bus when he fancies as well.

#it’s not just Lewis he does it to ALOT of drivers #he doesn’t know the line #and he thinks he can still get away with playing innocent about saying really nasty things #despite the fact he’s nearly 24

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scorchflamedancer · 2 months

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Heeeeey I'm not sure if posting this on tumblr is allowed? But what are they gonna do, ban an account I rarely use? huehuehue Anyway. Hi! I'm a Scorch, and I'm non-binary. I'm sure a lot of you have heard the same sorts of stories concerning dysphoria and body horror and all that fun trans stuff, so I won't bore or retraumatize anyone with the nitty gritty of all that. Just wanna yeet some tests, if ya know what I mean. Sad annoying story of thinking it's all gonna go ok and insurance is gonna cover it, and then it don't be that way. So here I am, begging, borrowing, bartering to try and get this surgery funded. My partner and metamore are getting married in August (I'm officiating!!) and I was hoping that I would be able to have gotten my surgery done and healed up by then so I could show up in those pictures as my most authentic self. If I hadn't had the insurance snaffo, I probably was going to be able to but... idk. It's a soft pie in the sky goal, but I'm willing to push as long as it takes to finally get this weight off my chest (emotionally, literally, figuratively, pun-y). It's something that really effects my mental health and probably contributes to my executive dysfunction making it hard for me to be creative, and I hate that for me. Anything you guys can do to help. Share, like, comment, reblog, send a dollar, every little bit helps and is greatly appreciated <3

#top surgery #nonbinary #mental health #transgender #transmasc #trans joy #fundraising #go fund me #help #community care

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lesvegas · 8 months

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Hey, Alex! Quick question, I saw your neopets post, and was wondering if the neopet site, as of today, is nice to play with.

Like, I´ve always thought of creating a new account (had one wayy back then), and all, but hearing about the fucking NFT shit, and how buggy half of the features where kinda discoraged me.

But seeing your post made me wonder if the new owners are improving the site experience, or the site wasn´t half as buggy as people said it was.

Yes!! I'd argue the site has been more nice to play with lately than it has been in the last couple of years since flash went under.

Funny thing about the NFT shit; TNT had nothing to do with it. TL;DR one of the og creators got obsessed with crypto shit, pissed his pants when no one wanted to do NFT shit, dipped, and now Neopets is independent and mostly owned by one of the other og creators who ISN'T a weird cryptobro. They've also stated that they have more resources, funding, and intend to take Neopets 'into a new era'.

So far, 'into a new era' has meant a restoration of many flash games and features (not all; it'll be a long while before everything is converted, but for most players only a few dailies are inaccessible and the site is still 95% functional), updating the home page and other areas of the site with a new mobile-friendly look (I'm kinda ambivalent about this but I get why they're doing it... and I have to admit I like the new themes), implementing a new plot event (I think it just ended but also looks like they aren't quite done yet, I'm excited to see what happens next) and... they apparently plan on making some kind of 3d game? Idk but for a while now they've been consistently updating and fixing and adding things people have wanted for a long time and seem to actually be listening to the community. They've been doing Q and A's on their official youtube channel, too.

I won't lie to you, though, the site IS still buggy. Always has been. I wouldn't say any bugs I've run into have hindered my experience overall, but they're there. But I might just be more forgiving of bugs than most as a fnv player lol. You *probably* won't really run into any yourself though, right now the only current bugs I can think of are the Wishing Well not updating and a couple minor bugs with the new plot event (tbf plot events are a live thing and they usually have a bug or two, this isn't new).

One last thing; going back to it for the first time in a long time will probably be jarring no matter what. Most of the site still has that classic oldish web look to it, while stuff like the front page and your inventory is in a totally different style. All I can say is you'll get used to it, but it does feel weird at first. Other than that, I can't really imagine a new account running into anything that would deter them from playing. Most of Neopets is the same as it's always been, for better or worse, and what isn't the same has mostly been a welcome change.

If you DO make a new account hmu btw I'll give you some free stuff and neopoints to start out with, I love helping newbies and returning players :3 Also lemme know if you have any other specific questions, I love talking about neopets sm

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starberrywander · 10 months

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(CW: Rant. Ramble. Long post. Frustration. Anti-capitalism.)

I was on an alt account so I don't have the post but I saw this post by a pro-capitalism blog that really bugged me and I wanna talk about it. I'm paraphrasing here so bear with me.

They were responding to a tweet (I think) where someone said something to the effect of, "why can't we have guaranteed housing and food (or maybe it was healthcare)?" And basically they were just being generally frustrated with capitalism which, mood.

Anyway this capitalism enjoyer responded basically, "We can't have free things because that means no one is getting paid for it and that's just slavery."

And I mean, bro. Two things. One; when people suggest this they are usually saying that they want these services to be funded with tax money, their tax money (Not that you can choose where only your tax money goes. Every choice of tax spending has to include everyone's money because, idk, someone decided that's how it was supposed to work I guess.). The people providing these services wouldn't be "slaves" any more than teachers are "slaves." They would be government employees and they would be paid with tax money. It's "free" not in the sense that no one is paying for it but in the sense that its not coming out of your pockets. Free in the same way that toll-free roads and public K-12 schools and libraries and parks are free. I mean, its coming out of your paycheck but that was gonna happen anyway because taxes are required. If you are required to pay taxes as your obligatory contribution to society, why is it so absurd to want those taxes to go toward things that are important to you? Toward things that would benefit you? Like, y'know, a guaranteed standard of living? Isn't that the entire purpose of having a society in the first place?

And two; Hypothetically, in a society that functioned differently, guaranteed standard of living would be a form of compensation. Like, money is not the only way to reward contributions. If, hypothetically, we treated the jobs necessary to societal functioning (Construction, food production, public safety & security, education, etc) the way we treat jury duty where you can just be called in to complete a task and contribute, would that be so bad? It would eliminate the need for taxes in many ways. We may even be able to abolish them altogether. And the compensation would be the guarantee to access everything you need to survive. I personally would prefer it that way. Of course this comes with the assumption of a few structural things around it:

This system is voluntary. If you don't want to do these jobs you are not forced to. It is simply a prerequisite for accessing the guaranteed standard of living for yourself and your household. If you choose not to participate you cannot access these services and will have to be self-sufficient, either living in the woods or on a farm (as capitalists often suggest people do if they don't like the system) or survive in a capitalist system like we already have except probably with less regulations and more of the free market that many capitalists want, because there are already systems to account for people's needs. In other words, there is a guaranteed standard of living but if you want to access it you need to contribute your labor to the tasks needed to sustain said standards of living. Otherwise, you just go back to the competitive, profit-driven, capitalist market. That makes both systems fully voluntary and gives people an actual choice (something that realistically doesn't exist in capitalism, despite capitalist claims to the contrary).

It comes with explicit rights and protections such as not being required to work more than a certain amount of hours per week (40, probably), having a consistent work schedule or knowing when you have to work a certain amount ahead of time, not having your access revoked due to circumstances out of your control (such as injury or illness), and the guarantee that household members who cannot work (such as children, the elderly, and the disabled) can access the resources they need through your contributions. And anything else necessary to make sure it isn't abused and that people aren't being treated like slaves (obviously). I mean, aside from the fact that they can leave at any time without punishment.

It comes with a guarantee or goal to access any available automation technology to lighten the workload. This would likely be done either through volunteers manufacturing the technology or through contracts with production companies in the capitalist side of things. Maybe things such as producing extra crops for a few years to give to the company to use for free in exchange for the technology, or volunteering to test and gather data for new automation technologies to give to the company in exchange for keeping the tool when they are done. The exact details would depend on the specific situation, but there would be some method to implement automation. The goal of this, ideally, is to get to a point where the only required job is technological maintenance and being called in is rare, so everyone in society is guaranteed a standard of living with very little contribution needed, giving them more freedom to pursue their passions or spend time with family.

This system provides the basics of living. Any luxuries such as movies, video games, amusement parks, social media access, etc. would still require you to pay for them. You would have to participate in the capitalist economy to access more than basic needs, unless someone in your community was super passionate about, like, creating music and played their pieces for people in their free time. Or something like that.

And yeah, I know this almost certainly has flaws that would need to be worked though. Some that could be addressed simply though people voicing their concerns and problem solving around them, and others that we wouldn't really know about until they happen which is, y'know, normal and expected for any new thing that happens ever. We can just course correct and tweak things to solve problems that arise. Unfortunately people today (Well, maybe always. idk.) are really bad at respectful and constructive conversation so I guarantee if someone does disagree their response will be a slew of condescending insults and mockery rather than anything genuinely constructive or open to mature conversation.

And like I get that capitalists would probably hate these suggestions for various reasons but this sounds like a dream to me. I want to live in that world. I would gladly work 40 hours a week or more for literally $0 just to guarantee that me and my family's needs are met without the stress of budgeting and without having to worry about recessions or theft or debt or anything of that sort. That is all the payment I need.

And I recognize that not everyone is okay with that which is why I am imagining a world where people's precious capitalism remains intact and people have the choice to participate in whichever way is most fulfilling to them. Some people are passionate about their jobs and feel fulfilled by the capitalist system and y'know what good for them. I'm glad they're happy. I don't wanna take that away if I can help it.

But for me its miserable. I feel trapped and depressed and even though you could argue that technically I don't have to participate, "technically" isn't reality or practicality and I want an actual choice. I know not everyone on this site is American but for those who are; isn't this country supposed to be all about freedom? Why do I not even have the freedom to choose what economic system to live in? Why is capitalism being forced on me when I want nothing to do with it? Why can't those of us who are currently unwilling participants in capitalism have the space to do things our way? Why has this system been set up in such a way that the only way to escape the grasp of capitalism is to destroy it?

Because that's the thing, I don't care if capitalism exists as long as its participants are making the choice to stay and they have an alternative option. You do you. There's nothing wrong with liking it. The problem is when it is forced onto other people. That is the only reason I want to destroy it; it will not give us the fucking space to live differently. It does not allow people to live outside of it and when you're trapped by that against your will of-fucking-course you'd want to destroy it. If capitalism would give people the damn space to have other economic systems in peace I would have no problem with its existence. I wouldn't want to destroy it. It would be live and let live. But capitalism is writing its own death sentence by forcing itself onto people who are becoming increasingly fed up with its bullshit every generation.

When the only way to have a choice is to destroy you, sooner or later you will be destroyed. If the only way to be free to live as you like is to overthrow you, sooner or later you will be overthrown. If you keep stepping on people's toes and refuse to stop, sooner or later they will snap and you will get what's coming to you. That's how I feel about capitalism right now. Suffocated. At the mercy of the whims of people I will never know and who will never know me. Sick and tired and ready to lose my shit on this damn system. I feel so helpless and the only way I can feel any semblance of liberation and freedom is by getting as far away from capitalism as possible, which is usually illegal because of course it is and I don't wanna spend my life in a cell being treated like worthless trash.

I don't wanna be lazy, I wanna work hard on my own terms; for and in a community of people I care about. A community where we treat each other like family and support each other. I want to spend my days supporting, producing for, and working with my loved ones. I don't want to spend 40 hours a damn week working for the benefit of someone I will never know to create results I will barely see while me and my loved ones are barely scraping by. Even the system I suggested above isn't ideal, but at least its better than what we got now.

Like, I come from a long line of farmers on both sides of my family and hearing both my dad and my grandparents describe farm life just sounds like a dream to me. Like yeah, you're working basically the whole day but you're doing it for yourself, on your own terms, with the people you love. What could be better than that? I know its not everyone's cup of tea but damn if only I could have that. Farming isn't even like that anymore in many cases. You can't just dedicate your life to surviving off the land and all your own food because you have to pay fucking taxes just to be allowed use the land and probably deal with bs regulations depending on where you are. Which means you are going to have to worry about making not just enough to sustain yourself but enough to make a profit so you can pay the bills that you can't get out of even if you aren't participating in the damn society.

And yeah, its doable. I intend to live as close to that life as possible as soon as possible. But damn its irritating as hell and it feels like bullshit. Because capitalism has to stick its grubby little fingers into everyone's business and I can't just live in peace.

I did not consent to this. I am not okay with this. I want my freedom. REAL freedom. And if you think I'm being whiny and dramatic, too bad. I have a right to express my opinion and my feelings and these are my feelings. Yes, I can technically live a decent life and I can find ways to meet all of my needs and I can get by but that's not the issue. But the issue is not whether or not I can survive like this or be physically okay under capitalism, because I very much can and I am aware of this. The problem is whether or not I am okay with being subjected to this system. Which I am not. I can survive, yes, but I cannot get any fulfillment or joy from this life. Maybe its something about how I was raised or maybe its in my nature, but regardless I am not built for this type of life. I am strong. I am tough. I am hardworking. But I am also miserable. It feels like this is eating away at me and no amount of optimism or material gain can ever change that. I am not okay with this. That is the problem.

There is no one size fits all solution and this size certainly doesn't fit me. Its so damn inflexible and demanding. We need choices, choices that capitalism does not offer. I hate it here. No amount of force, no amount of advice demands to "work harder" or "suck it up," and no amount of willpower and optimism will ever change that.

#capitalism #anti capitalism #socialism #communism #anti imperialism #rant #universal healthcare #anarchism

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jillianstudies7 · 10 months

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introductory post!

i have only had tumblr for like 6 months, but i wanted to make a post for my study/motivation blog!!

about me <3

- name: jillian!

- pronouns: she/they

- age: 16ish

- from: new south whales!

- zodiac: ⊙ pisces, ☽ taurus, ↑ pisces

my fav subjects

- academic: math!! i was an english kid until year 10 and then i discovered pre-calc lol. i also adore history/ancient architecture, my major in uni: psychology, and crime sciences bc they are actually so cool

- sports: swimming, volleyball

- others: astronomy, mythology, chemistry, literature, film studies and set design, editing!

- languages: english, spanish, welsh (beginner)

- hobbies: reading, cooking/baking, singing, crochet, listening to music (@dailytunes6) making weird presentations (current: american sweet companies that have funded warfare lmao)

- other interests: f1 (55, 3, 16, 4, 77) the marauders/fanfic in general, taylor swift, gilmore girls, ATLA and the other shows, probably more but idk

I’m currently in Year 11, and I plan to major in Psychology and Marketing, with an extra major in Art History (maybe). I’m going to try and use this blog to track my studying so I graduate on time. My goals for the rest of the semester are to do my homework and take more breaks, instead of doing nothing and then burning out trying to catch up. I also love to bake, so I will be putting a lot of photos of things i make on here! I want to learn how to make bread from scratch, so look out for that.

There are several hobbies and activities that I want to pick up again (deadlifting, reading physical books, learning to draw, baking out of joy not stress, etc) so the purpose of this blog to keep myself accountable!

marauders blog: @sun-moon-and-stars4

f1 blog: @stillmysunshine5

music blog: @dailytunes6

#intro post #study with me!#jillianstudies #not a study post #aussie aussie aussie #learning welsh is a battle

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finsterhund · 10 months

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Every time I think I'm safe from heatwaves we get another one.

Maui is also on fire.

How much of our permafrost have we lost? I don't even want to check.

Will my favourite extant wild animal (emperor penguins) still be around in a hundred years?

Yeah it's one of these days 😔

And through all of this my bank is like 500 in the red. My overdraft is only 300. Bruh. Agony and pain on planet earth

But still I'm silly 🥺

Haven't been able to do my laundry so I'm not snuggling Sly because I'm in less than clean pajamas. Why did they raise the laundry cost so much :(

Talking to my mom and she's visiting family and seeing my cousins who are healthy normal well adjusted boys with ADHD with good lives and healthy support networks and functional social lives has made her realize how much she allowed my birth father to ruin my brother and me and she's shown so much remorse and yeah it is partially her fault but I'm telling her over and over that she was just as much taken advantage of by that monster as we were and it's wrong for her to shoulder the entirety of the blame when it wouldn't have happened if she had been married to a better person. Idk.

Her feeling so much remorse has actually made her soften her heart enough that she wants to send me the quilt grandma made for me though. Or is it the quilt great grandma made for me. She doesn't know. Idk how she'd be able to forget that. I fear her memory is just dying. Maybe she's so scared of my ability to remember things because it's showing to her she might be getting one of those mental diseases you get for memory with age. Idk. I know we're incompatible to live together and our relationship is still not healthy but I do care about her a lot. Don't want her to get sick or die. Really afraid of death and people I care about dying.

I'm not being torn apart mentally this time and I contribute that to my new antipsychotics but it's still pretty depression to think about all of this.

It's too hot to do anything so I'm just sorta stuck right now. Gotta keep telling myself that my financial distress will eventually become less scary. Because eventually my roommate won't need me to cover his expenses and eventually the government will have to raise my pension and eventually the housing market will collapse and eventually all the old money will die. Or whatever. Having a scary negative bank account and getting insufficient funds charges are just stupid monkey fake problems it doesn't mean I'm going to get hurt it doesn't mean I'm going to starve it doesn't mean I'm going to die. Just keep telling myself this. But it's still scary. I don't like feeling like I owe things. I know I can probably go to my bank and get them to reverse certain fees even make them increase my overdraft limit perhaps. Idk.

I just wish things could get better already you know? I get so tired all the time.

Apparently we're going camping on Friday. I'm all ready. Hoping my plants will be fine. I will water them well before we go. We're only going to be gone for half a week. Timed it around when I get paid so I can be away from civilization for the last days before my money comes in and puts by bank out of the negative. Roommate still says he doesn't know if he'll be able to cover all his own expenses this month yet. Big frustrated sigh. I don't just help because I need rent paid to keep the roof over my own head but also because I care. Maybe I care too much. People insist those with brains like mine do not care so I might as well prove them right. Less pain for me. But I just care. I care too much. Maybe I care because it helps me survive. I don't know.

Maybe the fact that I did have the period of my early years where my grandparents took care of me has actually made my life harder. Because I got a taste of how things should be so I'm less resilient to being hurt. I don't know if I'm conveying that thought well enough. Basically it allowed me to not have as thick of skin or whatever. Idk. I wonder if there will ever be a point in my relationship with my mom where we could live together. Humans are supposed to care for each other. God.

My cousins are all able to grow up. I am not. I am stunted and broken and frozen. Even if I thrive it's like I'm a bonsai tree compared to trees growing wild. I need special pruning. I need special access to light and water. I need special fertilizer. I can never reach my full potential. Can I thrive? Some think so. Some don't. If I get the best care possible I can look nice. But is that thriving? Is it inhumane regardless? Who can say. But there's no space for me to live "properly". If that makes sense.

How traumatic is it that it's integral to the queer experience, the neurodivergent experience, the disabled experience, that we have to fight just to have space to live? Humanity has built boxes that we now have to stake out an existence within the parameters of. To earn the right to exist.

Hoping I enjoy our camping trip. I'm not expecting it to fix me but I am fully anticipating that I enjoy it. Assuming I'm able to still enjoy things.

I have everything I need for the trip. I was responsible. Please don't let it be ruined.

I wish I'd hear back from my surgeon. I was supposed to have my surgery in May. Fucking May. My summer could have been so much better.

I wish me and Cazza could live on the farm. Was thinking about how if I had some money I could buy the land around the house back and set up a wind farm. Clean energy you know? Solar would be great out there too. I wouldn't even have to run a traditional farm. We need energy. I'd that my purpose? Hmm. If I was one of those assholes I could mine crypto too.

I think about having a solarium. You know one of those cool rooms with the big rounded ceiling windows? I would love to have that in the middle of nowhere and just have sleepovers out there. When it rains it would hit and run down those windows and look and sound really nice. I really just am made for the steppe. One or two special trees, wide open space, big sky. If reincarnation is real I hope I get to be Mongolian.

#text post #negative #long post

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omega-tech · 11 months

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try that in a small town crap

“Try that in a small town”

More like “try it boy! We lynch people like you everyday”

I only heard about the first minute of the song and it got me really hot. Idk why country singers who do this think they can still get away. Yeah you’re “saying” that you don’t promote racism, white supremacist and pro trump bull crap. But you are promoting people who don't follow your kind of rules or beliefs.

I came from a small town called Rosebud,tx. I am not proud of it or doesn’t wanna be a part of it from its history that town had to the people of color and tour my dad. And trust me when I say I came from a small town that is dying every day from its curse that was put on. That town treated people unfairly and when they did, they did it when proud and covered up the story then the truth being told.

Yes, people do take care of each other because they know each other but when it comes to race. They’re not in the pictures. And boy I can tell you many story’s how some of those racist people would do bad things to people like me. Like shooting at my dog or taking my friend's bike away because he was doing wheelies at a park, or accrue me and other people of thieves when it was their kids and family doing it. Yet we get the blame and the punishment. And if it wasn't people like my dad who stood up to me and my friend/etc. None of us wouldn’t be here if you know what i mean. You people shot at us with your guns, threaten us when your powers you had with the city council, used tactics to limit our rights to go certain parts of the town that we wasn’t allow, and last charge and bill us for things that didn’t make sense to fund your so call tax rate system that give you those cars, trucks, and houses being built in that town, this fixing the town. Because if this was a city, the government or the state woulda know about it unlike a small town.

But now the state and government do know about it since everyone in the whole world has a cell phone. And when people have a cell phone, they have social media account. And we all know what happens when things like this get posted on social media. It gets views, notices and talked about throughout the world. And justice comes knocking at those people's doors. As for the country singer who made that song, you knew what you were doing. You got a view and the music sell money you made for the albums you sold threw digital media, etc. Which now that money is going to be used for lawyers from the lawsuits and probably losing your recording deal with the record label since you are too much trouble to handle and defend from the actions you made on yourself.

“Try that in a small town, how about you shut your mouth up before you lose your whole career over it”

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makerofmadness · 11 months

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Wattpad's pulling me back in and honestly I'm letting it. I'm sick of hearing about world news and all the ways people can be horrible, I'm sick of finding out mutuals have blocked me out of nowhere, I'm sick of worrying about this shxt I just wanna be silly and leave a billion comments on unsuspecting authors' works

(Don't worry I'm not quitting or anything shejejejsndndndn I'm just. Idk, if tumblr ever goes under im probably moving back there as my primary "social media" [well, it and FANDOM] so if y'all wanna keep in touch if they don't get the funds to keep this place going then make an account and tell me your name and I'll greet ya personally or something idk-)

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achairwithapandaonit · 2 years

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hmm how about something similar to the gamer au but like

shigaraki has to use the library computer because his broke but he has to keep up a streak in a online game and the green haired kid to his right is there everyday and keeps mumbling about heros and what do you mean they struck up a conversation and are now friends?

(if it does not fit right now is ok)

idk if you're talking about my gaming au (villain? gamer? why not both?) or your one and i haven't been paying the best attention to what your one is about except for the fact that kurogiri takes tomura and runs a bar and they're away from afo's influence. so i guess i'm just gonna make a brand new au off of the idea of gaming and library computer and izuku tomura friendship from a young age

1) just like in your au kurogiri is like oh you want me to raise tomura well it says in this parenting guide that you shouldn't let your kid around bad influences so i think you mean you want me to raise him away from your presence?? so kurogiri takes tomura and becomes the world's best single parent and uses afo's funds to get himself a bar

2) tomura becomes slightly better adjusted. i imagine it's a while before kurogiri's like yeah i can let him around other children on account of all the damage afo did with encouraging to murder. but they probably have several pets and tomura's still very young and though he never really ends up great at understanding feelings and empathy he does get better on the not killing people bit

3) they don't have a computer at the bar/house (i imagine it's like the place i grew up in. in that there's a shop front and then a house behind it and on top), but they do have one at the local library. tomura learns about video games from his classmates playing them and ends up going to the library to play online games. he gets pretty good at it

4) tomura meets izuku when izuku is ten. i think there's about?? 5 or 6 years between them. so he'd be mid teens. maybe tomura's gaming and izuku's on the computer next to him watching hero videos and analysing them. tomura doesn't really think anything of it except that the kid's muttering is annoying, but then he runs into some bullies following izuku around later in the day and beats them up cause they're assholes

5) tomura isn't very sociable, but izuku has metaphorical stars in his eyes. this older kid is the coolest person ever and izuku's determined to be friends. tomura doesn't have a lot of patience but izuku's a quick learner and he ends up not minding it when izuku asks about the games he plays and then quickly catches up on the controls and becomes part of his party

bonus 6) maybe despite having removed tomura, kurogiri still has it in mind that tomura's going to be afo's successor. he knows what tomura is going to be when he's older and what his orders are, so he follows through. maybe tomura is more mentally healthy and a lot less likely to straight up kill people, but he's seen what society is like to people with weak quirks and no quirks and dangerous quirks and he wants that society to stop. on account of being pretty much izuku's only role model, izuku sort of ends up with a similar mindset (if less angry and more hellbent on changing society for the better), so when tomura asks him to join his party as a villain izuku is happy to do so

#ask tag #ask game #bnha

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kenmaskitten10 · 3 years

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Dilf Deku Headcanons

Midoriya Izuku x GN!Reader

warnings: swearing, NSFW themes (nothing graphic just briefly mentioned),brief mention of bullying/scars, idk this is pretty tame nothing is really described... if u don't like dilfs then don't read this :)

a/n: okay! this is my first time writing/publishing anything on Tumblr so please go easy on me haha... I've had ridiculous Deku brain rot lately and I decided I had to jot a few thoughts down. I'm playing with the idea of turning this into a writing blog, but I am undecided! If anyone wants to thirst for one Izuku Midoriya please come talk to me please anyway without further ado here are some Dilf!Deku hcs.... I'm playing around with doing a NSFW version after this so if you would like to see that let me know!

w/c: 1,498

Okay everyone today I want to talk about Dilf!Izuku

This may be controversial but I personally believe that he has the most Dilf potential out of any of the class 1A boys and no I will not be taking criticism at this time

Sorry but even when he’s younger he has Dilf energy - he’s caring, considerate, takes your feelings into account like a dad he just wants to take care of his baby

oh fuck this man no no no

And listen, here me out on this one….. he has more dilf potential than Bakugo and allow me to tell you why

We can all agree that Bakugo has been confident his entire life, so of course he’s going to be confident when he’s older?? duh

But IZUKU is a different story altogether, he’s never felt confident in his life

His whole childhood he was looked down on for being quirkless, and bullied by someone he thought was his friend kachaan

THEN he got a quirk but oh every time he uses it it breaks all his fucking bones and leaves him with all these scars, and he appreciates them because of what they represent but also he’s young when he gets them, he’s already prone to insecurity and when he’s younger ESPECIALLY i think they just remind him of previous failures

He only started to gain a little bit of confidence in his UA days, but it takes time to rebuild yourself after you’ve been torn down for so long, so I honestly imagine he doesn’t even feel an inkling of confidence until his third year or later and even then, it’s new, it’s unfamiliar, he doesn’t totally know how to act

Because yes, by his third year, he’s starting to realize, oh wow okay, I have an incredible quirk and all these new abilities that I can control better, and wow people are paying attention for good reasons , because he’s tall and attractive, probably cuts his hair undercut Izuku supremacy and he’s made some solid friends who help boost his confidence too

But despite all this, deep down he still feels like that quirkless little kid who has to work three times as hard as anyone else and still doesn’t get the recognition he deserves

But OH BOY

DILF IZUKU??? This man is dripping with confidence

he’s older now. he’s overcome a lot. he’s gone to therapy, and worked his way through the pro hero ranks until he earned his number one spot fair and square, that’s something no one can take away from him

He’s loaded now (see below because I go on a whole tangent), he has nice tasteful style that can only come with age and experience

He knows he’s hot now, because its simply no longer something that can be denied, anyone with eyes can see how attractive he is

If he catches you staring at him, he doesn’t shy away. His cheeks might tint slightly, but he stares right back with the biggest smirk on his face. “See something you like, angel?”

Probably finds reasons to show off slightly but he’s Dilf!Izuku so it’s subtle, it’s meant just for you and god does it drive you crazy

The way he’ll reach for and grab at things when he’s around you because he knows you like his hands (he wants to hold your bags and please let him he just wants to feel needed)

They way he stands behind you while you cook, or work, or read…. He sees you sitting or standing so peacefully and he’ll come up behind you to check out what it is you’re doing. He’ll lean down slowly, quietly, stopping when his breath is on your neck and your nose is filled with his scent, and take a quick peek at whatever it is you’re working on. It takes you a moment to turn around, your heart starting to beat faster in your chest due to his looming presence behind you (I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS IS HOT TO ME IT JUST IS OKAY). When you finally turn to face him, his face breaks into a small smile of victory as his strong hand catches your jaw in a gentle grip and he places an achingly soft kiss to your lips before saying “You look so cute when you’re concentrating,”. As you’re about to go in for another, he lets you go and stands up again, his eyes twinkling. “No no, you’re working so hard baby, don’t let me distract you,” WHEN ALL HE WANTED WAS TO DISTRACT YOU and he succeeded and now you’re all hot and bothered, with no hope of resuming what you were doing

Dilf Deku is a tease I know he is but it’s okay he’ll make it up to you later ;)

He’s got shorter, slightly more cropped hair with grey mixed in with the green, his face more lean and angular… not to mention years of pro hero work have toned his body into an absolute work of art I’m gonna pass out just thinking about it

Freckles splashed across his skin like hundreds of little constellations, accented by scars and marks from old wounds (which he’s come to appreciate - they show how hard he’s worked, how much he’s sacrificed to get to where he is now) he’s muscular but I don’t think he’s quite as big as All Might (his fighting style is a lot different so of course he would build muscle in different places) so this means LEGS LEGS LEGS

LEG MUSCLES FOR DAYS

THICK FUCKING THIGHS oh my god

And holy shit his back muscles too WHEW sometimes in the morning when he gets up before you, you watch him sit on the edge of the bed and flex his shoulders and arms to stretch out in the hazy morning light and Jesus Christ

Dilf Deku is older now, he’s spent his entire life working himself too hard and he missed out on a lot of the fun, impulsive, chaotic things young people do, so I think he wants to let loose a little in his older age, have some fun for once

And what’s more perfect than sweet, youthful, tantalizing little you to indulge in ?

He’s so doting, just wants to make you feel special and cared for

And on that note, if you will indulge me for a moment

he’s fucking RICH like

He’s the number one pro hero, he has brand deals on brand deals on brand deals

And I don’t mean to slander All Might and Endeavor, but in terms of a hot, fuckable number one pro hero, Deku has them beat by a landslide so I imagine he has a wider range of brand deals too, because he can sell the sex appeal angle

I mean can you imagine him in interviews? Interacting with fans? Confident yes, but still soft spoken and kind, almost gentle but anyone can tell he’s completely in control, of himself, of the interview, of the audience, this man has the entire country world wrapped around his little finger

All this to say he’s DRIPPING WITH MONEY

he’s like the guy that overtips an OBSCENE amount like if the waiter is really nice he’ll tip like $300 dollars and won’t even blink (I know they don’t tip at restaurants in Japan but this is more for vibes yk)

sugar daddy deku isn’t a stretch it’s a REALITY

Y’all can be officially together or not, either way Deku loves to spoil his precious little y/n

All you have to do is smile sweetly and ask, and he’s absolute putty in your hands

Complies with even the most egregious of your demands, because hey, he has the money to spare, and how could he say no when you look so cute asking so politely?

GOOD TASTE too like he has a lot of money but he knows how to spend it 😏

Additionally he’s, ya know, him, so he’s insanely charitable and donates to charities, go fund me, personal Venmo accounts of fans that need it

if a fan has like a go fund me for some reason that catches his eye, he’s going to donate and he’s going to donate a lot (A LOT)

he doesn’t even do it for the press, he does it bc he’s a good person but my GOD the press eats it up and so do the fans

These hc’s are so self indulgent but all this to say

Dilf!Deku gets what he wants when he wants it and no one is standing in his way

So when he decides it’s you he wants? Well then it’s you he’s going to get!

#bnha #bnha x reader #bnha headcanons #bnha x y/n #mha hcs #mha x reader #dilf izuku #izuku midoriya headcanons #deku #dilf deku #deku x reader #deku x y/n #mha #mha x y/n #izuku midoriya x reader #izuku midoriya x y/n #izuku

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reallyhardy · 3 years

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went through the goes-wrong-verse playbills/programmes - that is, ‘the play that goes wrong’ and ‘peter pan goes wrong’ (thank you @cornleypolytechnicgoeswrong !) trying to piece together each society member’s career within the society PLUS if possible whatever it was they were doing at the polytechnic (university) course-wise, along with whatever other character snippets they give. this is mostly to inform me when writing but i thought it’d be useful for other mischief/goes wrong fans!

chris bean:

as of TPTGW is the ‘newly elected’ head of the drama society, and is known at the university for his charitable & philanhropic work. he has six acting credits within the polytechnic to his name.

i was going to presume his choice of course at the uni was acting or directing, but his PPGW bio states that his ‘dacting’ (directing and acting) is all self-taught, so who knows. maybe he’s just in the society because of his aforementioned charitable work.

robert grove:

has starred in 40 productions with the society since 2002 (when he began work at cornley polytechnic as a caretaker - i’m taking this to mean he was never actually a student there.) anyway wow explains why they call him a “veteran actor” lol.

he offers acting lessons (reacting, gesturing, emotioning and acting) and can be contacted via twitter @robertgoodactor. i’ve looked this twitter account up and it does exist it’s just not been used since 2017 - that said there are some in-character photos of henry lewis as robert and nancy zamit as annie on there and plenty of tweets.

he runs an extremely dubiously safe cornley youth theatre program and can be contacted at his email [email protected] (membership fees are non-refundable.)

trevor watson:

in TPTGW is arbitrarily from ‘the north east’ (rob falconer’s portrayal, whereas chris leask’s portrayal is firmly and specifically scouse.)

he has a twitter account (rob falconer’s portrayal) @trevtechie, with i think probably the most tweets of the cornley twitters. stopped being updated in 2017.

his participation in haversham was to complete an electronics module - as the light and sound technician i’d assume his course was in this kinda field.

he states that after haversham he wants to never work with the cornley drama society again, but as of PPGW he’s “following in his parents footsteps” and has pivoted to possibly actually studying stage management. (his PPGW bio states that he’s in his final year at the uni for the 3rd time running. so it could mean his staying on with cornley is like partially due to failing his course?)

dennis tyde:

in his TPTGW bio it states that he joined the drama society after failing to get in to any other societies.

he didn’t live on university campus and commuted in from his parents’ house. he mostly just wanted to make friends - he’s interested in snooker and wants to meet like-minded people.

in his PPGW bio he still wants to make friends and says you can reach him via twitter @dennistyde. i checked this account too and again it does exist but hasn’t been used since 2013, and there are only 3 tweets so its much more bare-bones than the others. i like his one tweet about drinking a mug of bovril to calm his nerves before a show.

as of 2021 in promotional vids we learn that dennis and robert now live together.

max bennett:

in TPTGW bio it says he was a first year studying human geography and crime which i was surprised about but sure okay. it also says here that he happily donated “a large portion of his recent inheritance” to the society to help fund it.

at the bottom of TPTGW’s cast page it states that the west end performance of the play is “made possible by a generous legacy from claude bennett” who’s presumably max’s grandfather? or just father? idk

his TPTGW bio also says his favourite movie is the legend of bagger vance which i’ve never seen but is apparently a will smith golf movie.

his hobbies as listed in his PPGW bio are chess, cooking & hanging out with friends and fam. he also dedicates his performance in PPGW to his grandma claire, which is sweet.

annie twilloil:

as of TPTGW she’s designed, built, painted, costumed & stage managed every cornley show for the past 3 years. in the PPGW bio, it states she’s studying cognitive behavioural therapy and pottery, and has taken up life drawing at the student’s union (as the model.)

after haversham, she apparently had an internship lined up at the bolton octagon.

she has WILD backstory in her PPGW bio that says she dedicated her performance to her estranged husband julian who she hoped was in the audiance and two children frangipani and ylang-ylang. not sure if the kids are with her or with the husband but either way, wild. nuts. pretty funny but also pretty tragic.

she’s also got an ad out looking for a new bloke (i suppose if her husband isn’t in the audience) apparently she’s been left by boyfriends previously for an air hostess, a stripper, and a coal miner.

she also enjoys knitting and playing the banjolin (an instrument she made herself.) her email address is [email protected].

she has a twitter account that again hasnt been used since 2017 (@annietwiloil). a couple tweets chronicle dave hearn’s shoulder dislocation but as max so i guess its canon that max also dislocated his shoulder, but he did it while trying to open a twix? lmao

sandra wilkinson:

in her TPTGW bio it states that haversham manor is her 11th production with the company. idk how frequently they put on shows.

she won some kind of local kids beauty pageant in 1998 and did some modelling for a local restaurant (the sunam balti house, which apparently the cornley crew frequent? or have at least been to - seems they struggled with spicyness levels there, especially dennis.)

nothing on her course at the university, i might just take a stab and assume she was actually doing acting, since her bio is mostly about her being a performer.

she’s a big fan of jeremy irvine, they mention him in both of her bios.

jonathan harris:

is a total health & fitness guy. his course at the uni is in physical education and he’s also a model, though who’s to say what for. in PPGW this is expanded and he’s moved on to being a combo model/actor/photographer/lifecoach.

he loves his outdoor sports: mountain biking & kayaking are noted.

he had a bath salts advert out and he hoped it was gonna go national.

lucy grove:

her surname IS grove! i wasn’t sure, but that’s confirmed. not really much about her in there, because the bio is written by robert and he just used it to gas himelf up.

can’t tell if she’s a student at the university or just in the society through robert. genuinely there’s just not a lot to go on when it comes to lucy.

another note is that the murder at haversham manor and the version of peter pan that the cornley crew perform are both written by ‘susie h. k. brideswell’ who i guess either chris knows or chris is a big fan of?

other notes... they try so hard to make out like the characters aren't all the same age like implying that robert is genuinely older than most of them etc etc but ofc the cast featured in the TV broadcasts are all visibly the same age... ofc all this is just comedy innit so you can take it or leave it

also i realised that the american version of TPTGW calls it “the cornley university drama society” since i guess you guys dont have polytechnics over there. a polytechnic is like... a university that offers the arts (among the classics you know science law what have you) basically. by 2021 in promotional videos etc. shields in character as chris has dropped “polytechnic” altogether from the group’s name (but varies between calling it ‘the cornley drama society’ and ‘the cornley amateur dramatics society’) i assume to reflect how much time has passed since the group put on their first production under chris’ leadership - and that now they’re simply operating unattached to the university because they’ve become a real family. love love love, sillyness and love.

#mischief theatre #the play that goes wrong #peter pan goes wrong

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egcdeath · 3 years

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checkmate

summary: you’ve always refused to lose, and love was no exception. (gone girl-ish au)

pairing(s): ransom drysdale x dark!reader, a special mystery guest ;)

word count: 3.7k

warnings: 18+ because of heavy themes! faked death, framing of crimes, manipulation, alluding to sex, alluding to cheating, terrible relationship dynamic, very loose usage of the word crazy/psychotic, implied mention of self harm, brief choking & slapping (in a non sexual way lol), pregnancy trapping (idk if thats the right term), the reader is a very bad human being, overuse of italics *please let me know if i’m missing any warnings!

author’s note: this is my 2nd submission for @stargazingfangirl18’s 5k soft dark challenge, i decided to make the reader dark >:) but ransom is also not a good person. I used these prompts: “I’ve waited a long time for this, sweetheart.” & The town golden *girl isn’t as sweet as everyone thinks.

this is definitely the most unhinged thing i’ve ever written, but blame @literate-lamb for making me write this because when i pitched this to her and said that i’d probably never write it, she enabled me.

okay that's enough from me. join my taglist if you want :D

“I know women whose entire personas are woven from a benign mediocrity. Their lives are a list of shortcomings: the unappreciative boyfriend, the extra ten pounds, the dismissive boss, the conniving sister, the straying husband. I've always hovered above their stories, nodding in sympathy and thinking how foolish they are, these women, to let these things happen, how undisciplined. And now to be one of them! One of the women with the endless stories that make people nod sympathetically and think: Poor dumb bitch.” Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

Your whole life, you’d considered yourself a competitive person. Constantly overcompensating for one thing or another, whether it was the chronic desire to achieve perfection that had been installed in you since you were a little girl, or your persistent internalized sense of inadequacy. You realized early on that it was much better for you to win than for you to lose, no matter the physical, emotional, or mental cost of the prize of perfection.

For the most part, this mindset worked out for you. You graduated as Valedictorian from your high school, neared the top of your graduating class at Harvard. God knew you earned it, all those tears you shed into overpriced textbooks, all the popping of unprescribed Adderall, and robbing yourself of the parties and social events that the rest of your peers gladly indulged in.

You were just different, which was why you gained a job nearly immediately after your exit from school, quickly climbing to the top at the Blood Like Wine publishing company after only a few years of being there.

And one night, at the party celebrating the release of A Thousand Knives when you laid your eyes on Hugh Ransom Drysdale, the grandson of your boss, you knew that you needed to have him. Rich, hot, a bit of an asshole. You deserved to finally complete your image, and that socialite flavored eye candy seemed to fit the part perfectly. Luckily for you, he was desperate. It only took a few tugs on your dress’ V-line, and a number of knowing smirks to find yourself being finger-banged in his family manor’s bathroom.

From there, you wormed your way into his life. Leaving belongings at his place as an excuse to come back, and offering booty calls in the middle of the night. Ransom must’ve been much more desperate than you originally thought, as it really only seemed to take one night of stroking his hair while he vented about his family to make him want to be with you. Men with mommy issues were always so easy.

Except, he wasn’t that easy. The longer you got to know Ransom, the more fucked up you realized he really was. He had no boundaries at all, became jealous and enraged at the drop of a pin, and occasionally told you things that made the hairs on your arms rise.

This of course all came to a head after the night of Harlan’s 85th birthday party. When the news broke of his tragic death, you’d immediately known it was the works of your Hugh. If your intuition wasn’t enough, his confession in the shower, where he’d demanded you take off your clothes to display that you were without a bug, certainly was.

You were completely devastated. The man that you’d invested so much into for years had thrown both his and your reputations down the drain in just a matter of hours. Of course, you felt bad for Harlan too. He was a good guy (when he wasn’t instigating a family fight).

Still, you showed up during the funeral in your best mourning clothes and dawning your biggest crocodile tears. You rubbed Linda’s back while she mourned the loss of her father, and the new truth about her husband. You played dumb when interrogated by some Southern private investigator, even giving Ransom an airtight alibi. You testified on his behalf in court with enough conviction to grant you an Emmy.

You’d gotten so far, devoted so much energy into him, that you simply refused to lose now.

To your friends, you’d seemed to lead a near perfect life. Dream job, dreamy boyfriend, dream bank account, but it wasn’t enough. You wanted more, you just didn’t know what.

It dawned on you while sipping mimosas at the country club, Ransom playing tennis with his friends just a few yards away from you while Danielle showed off her brand new engagement ring, a .59 Carat Asscher Diamond, that if you heard her speak of again, would probably make you lose your shit.

You zoned out as she droned on and on about the shape, and how Matt proposed to her in their own private room in one of the most exclusive Parisian restaurants, instead focusing on how you could find yourself in the same position as that airhead next to you. In all honesty, you couldn’t stand the idea that someone was doing better than you, let alone someone in your own social circle. Dani got all the bragging rights of being engaged to the heir of some tech giant, being the first in your friend group to get eloped, and worst of all, Matt wasn’t even making her sign a prenup.

You blankly watched Ransom from afar, taking occasional sips from your sweet drink, while you thought of how you deserved all of that and more, and you were going to get it one way or another.

——

It didn’t take much to come up with something, your first and most obvious plan being to simply ask Ransom when he was going to propose to you. Of course, this wasn’t the first time you’d tried to approach him about this subject, you just wondered if maybe this time things would be different.

Panting heavily after a rather rough night in bed, you rolled off of your boyfriend’s chest and gave him a messy, yet sincere kiss. You knew your man well, and if there was any time to pop the question, it was in his post-nut haze.

“Baby,” you said breathily, “I wanna ask you something.”

“Shoot,” he responded casually, glancing over at you.

“When’re you gonna propose to me?” you hummed.

Ransom groaned and shook his head, rolling his eyes, “this is about Matt and Dani, huh?” he tutted, then extended a hand out to your warm cheeks so he could gently caress one with his thumb. “Thought we agreed marriage is just a piece of paper and it’s stupid.”

You huffed in response.

Of fucking course.

“I never said that,” you muttered, setting a hand on his broad chest. “Besides, it’ll be good if you get pissed and decide to like, kill your dad or something. Y’know, spouses don’t have to testify against each other in court.”

Ransom chuckled as if this whole thing was funny, like your feelings were some kind of sick joke to him. “You know my lawyers, babe. They could prove that bees don’t make honey. That bears don’t shit in the forest. I appreciate your attempt, though. This has been some really nice pillow talk.”

“Whatever,” you muttered, pinching his nipple in retaliation before turning your back to him and yanking the blanket onto your side.

You weren’t sure why you were so surprised that he was being stubborn, most of the time you felt like you were pulling teeth from the man. But that’s why you had a backup plan! You always had a backup plan. That’s what separated you from your boyfriend. Where Ransom was extemporized and impulsive, you were calculating and prudent.

Although you devised your plan that very afternoon while watching your partner backhand small green balls, you were going to need some time to get everything in order, to prove Murphy and his stupid law wrong in making sure that everything that could go wrong wouldn’t.

After all, love was a game. And you sure as hell weren’t losing to Hugh Drysdale.

——

You sacrificed too much to have your plans ruined by some trust fund baby with impulsivity issues. You deserved your dream marriage, the stability you wished you had as a child. You wanted the white picket fence, and everything that came along with it. Your desire to be the best, to be perfect was what drove you to poke holes in every condom in the box, what led you to draw liters of your own blood in hopes of staging a fake crime scene, to buy a cheap getaway car and burner phone off of Craigslist, and reach out to a high school boyfriend who you knew was in a position as desperate as you.

You planted seeds of doubt in your friends throughout the following weeks, feeding them lies about Ransom’s behavior, how you were afraid of telling him that you did in fact see two faint red lines on that damn plastic stick– only half of the statement truly being false–, telling them that he was behaving erratically lately.

It all was going without a hitch. Ransom didn’t seem to notice anything was off, despite your frequent visits to the bathroom and newfound affinity for true crime documentaries.

You almost felt guilty, knowing the world of pain you were about to throw the man into. Granted, he deserved the pain. You were in a relationship with a genuinely terrible person, and that person had made a conscious effort not to commit to you. You tried to make this easy for him, give him a chance to say a few words to you and slide a ring on your finger, but no, he always seemed to take the hard route.

You slept like a baby the night before you were setting your plan in action. You made sure to uphold the facade of everything being fine, making Ransom a nice breakfast before sending him halfway across town to the hardware store with an oddly incriminating list.

Once he was out of the house, you hurried off to the fridge in the garage where you’d been keeping a small stash of your own blood. It wasn’t pretty, but it had to be done. You poured the blood throughout the kitchen, splattering bits of it on the counters and cupboards. You poorly cleaned the mess, just as he would.

You put your next move in motion, falsifying a home invasion. You tossed over a table and some chairs, throwing books and photos onto the floor, but left some aspects slightly untouched, like an upright picture frame to give yet another hint that things were not exactly what they appeared.

You left a tiny blue post-it note on the nightstand of Ransom’s side of the bed, a quick and simple doodle of a ring along with the first initial of your name inked onto the tiny piece of paper.

With that, you were off. Technically missing, soon-to-be presumed dead.

----

The days following your disappearance had gone even better than you’d initially planned. Local news coverage had been all over you, search and rescue groups were assiduously looking for you, your parents had opened a tip line, and begged for you to get home safe on news segments. But the best part of it all was that Ransom had been briefly found himself in police custody, only to be released shortly thereafter. His past of an accused murder quickly made your disappearance even more of a national story, and you watched the whole thing unravel from the safety and comfort of your high school boyfriend, Andy Barber’s Newton home.

Of course, you fed him the same lies you’d given to your friends, and seeing the rather lonely position he was in, he gladly let you stay with him. You were absolutely having a hay-day with it all, dedicating hours of your day to watching Ransom slowly unravel. Maybe it was a bit sadistic of you to enjoy torturing your partner so much, but he needed to learn his lesson. You deserved better. You needed Ransom to rise up to your level, allowing you to finally complete your image. To let you two appear to be the perfect couple. Really, this was all on him.

Andy, for the most part, had been a good host. He was gone for the majority of the day, dedicating himself to his work while you lounged around on his dangerously cozy couch. Around two weeks into your stay, you were sharing a box of pizza in the living room with your old lover when something interesting on the television caught your eye.

Ransom, broadcasted on CBS, being interviewed on your disappearance.

You watched with wide eyes as Ransom begged for your return on national television. It was one thing seeing your mother plead for you to come back, the same woman who had installed such toxic behavior in you sob for your return, but Ransom. You’d never loved him more than in that moment.

“Hugh, if you could tell Y/N one thing, what would it be?” the interviewer asked.

Ransom turned, looking straight at the camera, directly into your soul, “Y/N, I love you so much. More than you’ll ever know. I need you to come back safely, to see you, to hold you again. I’d give anything in the world for that right now,” he looked down, a tear falling down his cheek. “I can’t live without you in my life, I-”

His sentence was cut off by Andy grabbing the remote, and turning off the TV. You turned your head and frowned deeply at him.

“Why’d you do that?” you asked with a bit of a pout.

“I just couldn’t stand listening to him talk about you like he hasn’t treated you like shit for the past few years. C’mon, let’s get ready for bed.”

Your blood boiled. Andy was once a means to an end, but now he was interfering. He was clearly much too selfish to see that you and Ransom were quite obviously soulmates. A match made in hell.

You followed him to bed regardless, curling up on what had been your side of the bed for the past few days, and staring at the wall until Andy’s breaths moved from a soft and rhythmic pattern to loud snores. God, those snores were obnoxious.

You slipped out of bed and to his dresser, grabbing two soft ties from the drawer, and daintily tying his wrists to each side of the bedpost.

“What‘re you doing?” he mumbled, instinctively yanking both of his wrists as he awoke.

“I’m going back home,” you whispered.

“You can’t be serious,” Andy huffed, tugging on the restraint attached to the headboard.

You shook your head, “I am.”

“I should’ve known. Why would you do something like this? Do you know how much trouble you’ll be in with the law?”

“Do you know how much trouble you’ll be in when the world finds out that you kidnapped me?” you retorted.

This threat seemed to wake him up right away, “what about this was kidnapping? I gave you a nice home, fed you, I didn’t even make a pass at you. I didn’t do shit to you,” he hissed. “You think I can’t prove that? I’m a lawyer, for god's sake!”

You nearly laughed, “Okay, Andy,” you paused for a moment, “As a lawyer, who do you think everyone’ll believe? Someone who the world was on a wild goose chase for in the last two weeks? Or the man with a family history of violence? Must I remind you that your father and your son have killed people?”

Andy shook his head, face pinched in sorrow at the mention of his deceased son, clearly a low blow. “You’re insane,” he muttered.

“Swear to god that you won’t tell a soul what happened here,” you leaned over him, getting right in his face. “Or I promise, Andrew Barber, I will ruin you. You’ll spend the rest of your life behind bars, or disbarred, or whatever the hell I decide to do with you. So keep your goddamn lips shut.”

You pulled away and he solemnly nodded, not bothering to put up a fight. You loosened the fabric around his left wrist and walked out of the room. You picked up the keys to Andy’s Audi on your way out, checking the time as you adjusted the driver's seat.

9:45 PM. Fatherhood really changed the man.

You pushed that thought aside and began your drive home, which turned out to be a surprisingly short trip. When you pulled up in front of your home, you were met with a slew of reporters outside of the house, along with a police car that seemed to be permanently camped there.

As you slowly got out of the car, a gasp, followed by a loud silence fell across the crowd. You limped for dramatic effect up the driveway as cameras followed you, and glanced back at them pathetically. From your peripheral view, you noticed the officers get out of their vehicle.

You finally got to your door, ringing the doorbell and waiting. You blinked harshly a few times, conjuring up the tears you needed to really make a spectacle of the event. After a few minutes, Ransom opened the door, eyes widening as he looked at you. He stepped out, and you wrapped him in as big of a hug as you could manage, genuinely missing his embrace. It was possible that you even let out a few real tears in the moment.

Your emotional embrace was interrupted by the man you recognized as Lieutenant Elliott, the same officer who’d been assigned to Harlan’s case.

“Ma’am,” he began, only to be shut down by you.

“Please, just let me be with my boyfriend,” you pleaded, crocodile tears streaming down your face as you spoke with the officer. You still needed time to get your story straight.

“Just give us the night, Lieutenant. We’ll come in first thing tomorrow morning,” Ransom added, furrowing his brows at the officer that he’d come into contact with far too many times.

He looked to his partner, who shrugged, then to you, “enjoy your night.”

Cameras flashed around you as civilians, journalists, and newscasters alike attempted to catch your attention. You grabbed Ransom’s hand and dramatically pulled him inside, insincerely attempting to hide your face by ducking and covering half of your face with your arm.

As soon as you were in the privacy of your own home, Ransom threw you against a wall.

“Why. The fuck. Would you pull a stunt like that,” he hissed through gritted teeth, eyes wild, and a hand around your throat.

You whimpered as he tightened his grip, rage clearly flowing through his system uncontrollably.

“Do you know what you did to me? You almost had me thrown in fucking jail. Do you understand that?”

You nodded weakly, “Ran,” you whispered, “the baby,” you glanced down at your stomach.

He paused, dropping his grip on your neck and staring at you in awe, “no…”

You nodded again.

“How…? You told me you were on the pill… You- you made me use protection…”

“Surprise?” you said weakly.

“You’re a psychotic bitch.”

“I’m your psychotic bitch. And no child of mine will be born out of wedlock,” you taunted.

“That’s what this is about?” Ransom laughed manically. “You did this all because I won’t fucking marry you?”

You didn’t even have to respond.

“I should send you to the loony bin right fucking now.”

“What happened to all those things you said to me on TV?”

“You’re fucking delusional. I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. And you will. I’ve had to put up with you and your stupid little antics for way too long. How do you think I felt when you killed your own grandfather?”

Ransom scoffed, throwing his hands up in exasperation, “you are so fucked up.”

“I’m the fucked up one? You killed your own blood in cold blood! You’re unhinged!”

“You faked your own death for attention, and got pregnant while doing it! Is that baby even mine?”

“The fuck are you trying to say, Hugh?”

“I asked if it’s even mine.”

“Really. You’re accusing me of cheating on you. That’s rich considering Mia, Layla, and whoever the fuck else. You’re being ridiculous.”

“I’m being ridiculous? You couldn’t have a normal adult conversation with me!”

“Are you kidding me? I asked you time after time to marry me and it was always some bullshit excuse!” you wagged a finger in his face as you spoke. “Oh, commitment scares me, oh, marriage is just a piece of paper, oh-“ you mocked his voice in a deeper tone before you were cut off by the sting of his hand against your cheek.

“Can you shut the hell up?” he growled at you as you held your own cheek, before you reached out and slapped him back, “I can’t believe that I’m stuck with such a deranged bitch for the rest of my life.”

“Maybe work on your vows a little, dear. I don’t think that those words are as charming to me as they’d be to the rest of our family and friends.”

“You can’t be serious,” he groaned.

“But I am,” you hummed, rubbing your cheek softly once again. “Look at how fast your life fell apart without me here. How quickly the public turned on you. Imagine how upset they’d be if you left me. I love you, Ran. I really do. You and I are perfect for each other, can’t you see that now?”

Ransom took a step away from you, pacing slowly in front of you. He ran a stressed hand through his hair, and took a long and drawn out breath, clearly at a loss for words.

“So when should we have the wedding? I’ve always wanted a Spring wedding, and I know it’s a little short notice, but I don’t want to be showing too much in my wedding dress,” you grabbed Ransom’s bicep gently, as if you were just having a regular old day with him, as if you hadn’t been choked and slapped moments ago. “But we can make it work. We always make it work, right?”

Your now fiancé stared vacantly at the wall ahead of him, giving you a slow, empty nod of agreement.

“It’s settled then,” you smirked. “I’ll start looking at venues. You find me a nice ring, okay Honey? One that puts all those other bitches’ rings to shame,” you sighed pleasantly to yourself, “I’ve waited a long time for this, sweetheart.”

You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before hurrying up the stairs and into your bedroom. You heard a distant shriek of “fuck,” from Ransom, but you truly could not care less.

You hopped into bed, grabbing your laptop from its charger and promptly opening it. You couldn’t help but to smile at your own reflection on the empty black screen. This wasn’t how you imagined your engagement, but you did the impossible. You tied yourself down to Hugh Ransom Drysdale, he went down kicking in screaming, and you were likely in for a lifetime of cheating and resentment, but you did it nonetheless.

You finally won.

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