#I was strong and I could push thru things and make myself do things and now I can't???? I just lay on the fucking couch!! and feel bad abtit
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#IM SO STRESSED IM SO STRESSED#I feel like I'm not handling ANYTHING well rn#so many people have symptoms that are WAAAAAAY fucking worse and they're like. working full time jobs and being a parent and shit and#I'm like waaah oh no I have body aches and chronic fatigue looks like I'll have to be unemployed and never do anything ever 💀#how am I gonna live?? like. my parents are taking care of me and I'm so fucking glad but#SOMEDAY THEY WONT BE AROUND and that stresses me out so bad#I'm 25 years old and I NEED my mom every day if not physically then emotionally because I'm a little bitch baby that can't do anything for#herself. im having a hard time feeding myself I'm having a hard time keeping my living space clean#I'm not taking care of anything except the dogs sometimes and my lizard and she's not getting as much attention as she used to#I need a job and I need to be able to suck it up and DO THINGS but I feel like I'm not the person u was anymore#I was strong and I could push thru things and make myself do things and now I can't???? I just lay on the fucking couch!! and feel bad abtit#is it the tism. is it the ADHD. what about the chronic depression. how bout the fibromyalgia?#and the thing is that ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE MILD#I don't have severe pain (yet).#I just can't handle it I don't WANT to handle it#so. shoutout to my mom I guess because if it wasn't for her I simply wouldn't be alive#I feel like I've never been happy!! why can't I just be content and be happy!!!!#I have no fucking reason to be unhappy!!!!!!
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My Heart Stays With You | Leona Kingscholar x Mistress! Yuu/Reader
NOTE: Hey, so I can’t find the FUCKING fic I was talking about in this post and despite all my desperate searching I STILL can’t find it so I’m WRITING MY OWN VERSION OF IT until the author of that fic MESSAGES ME AND GOES “EYO DUDE WTF THAT IDEA WAS MINE” so I can search their blog and finally read the fucking story cuz istg I can’t focus on my schoolwork with that fic weighing on my mind like a curse that’s been placed on my family for 40 generations.
EDIT: someone in the comments lovingly told me who the author of the original one was and it was @/kiwibirdmother but all their posts disappeared so 🤡 fuck. LUCKILY tho I used the wayback internet thing and I managed to read them again :D if you guys want a link to it I’ll share thru dm cuz I’m too lazy to post something about it rn ejdkskxkskx
SYNOPSIS: Leona had been forced into an arranged marriage with a noblewoman, but he had already been in a relationship with Yuu. They loved each other too much, and both of them weren’t willing to let each other go. So in their own selfish ways, they stayed together despite the ring shining on his finger.
The two of them never thought it would get to this.
Leona had hoped that he would at least be able to make her his officially. All he needed to do was graduate and introduce her to his family, as reluctant as he was to let her into the royal life for the fear that she would have to carry the weight of it, he was far too selfish to let her go.
But Yuu didn’t mind at all. Just like him, she was far too selfish to let him go.
. . .
. . . .
. . .
When the news came to her that Leona had no choice but to push through with the arranged marriage, he rushed to her room in Ramshackle Dorm to hold her in his arms.
“Stay with me,” He begged that night, holding her in his arms with all the strength he could muster. “Please stay with me.”
It felt out of character for him to say those words with such strong emotion, but in the years they’ve been together, as she approached her fourth year in NRC, Leona slowly learned to lower his walls around her.
Only around her. Just her.
“Stay with me. I won’t do anything with her. I promise.”
“But…”
Hearing her strained voice and her choked sobs as she cried on his shoulder broke his heart. His heart… that he had given to her all those years ago when she accepted him with all of her being…
How unfair could the world get?
“I won’t. You’re the only one in my heart,” he stated firmly, a promise that he would hold himself to for the rest of his life.
“That stupid marriage is only for formalities. A political convenience. That woman and I don’t even have to do anything, and I don’t intend on giving myself to her. Not my love, not my mind, not my body.”
He looked into her eyes, furrowing his brows with intensity. When Yuu looked at them, she could feel the fierce heat of his love for her and his unyielding devotion.
She understood his place. He really had no say in the marriage, it had already been set in stone. Leona knew this well, and yet he couldn’t help but feel guilty… she had been so kind to him, so understanding…
“Yuu…” his voice was molten gold, and it seeped through the cracks of her heart.
“I love you. Only you. Please stay with me.”
“I will,” she said without hesitation.
He kissed her the moment she said those words, and a night of passion between them followed.
That wouldn’t be their last.
The night before his wedding, Leona drove to a villa some distance away from the palace.
It was distant from other residences and a little more solitary. Leona knew it would be perfect for Yuu, so he bought it immediately before anyone else could so she could live there with Grim after their graduation.
He knocked on the door, and it opened within a few seconds.
He felt his heart beating rapidly when he saw her face. For a moment, Leona felt at peace.
Yuu smiled, looking just as relieved, “You’re here…”
He moved to embrace her.
Ever since the arranged marriage, it was the first thing he would do whenever he visited her. An act of reassurance that he would forever be hers.
“I came just as I said I would,” He said.
“It’s tomorrow,” she quietly muttered.
“Will you go?”
“I promised I would.”
“It would hurt you…”
“It would hurt you just as much…” she said, her voice breaking, “I…I promised you that I would…always be there to comfort you…”
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable any more than I already have,” he sighed. His woman was far too kind to him. He wouldn’t have blamed her if she tried to be a little petty.
“I think… I think it would make me more uncomfortable not seeing you, knowing that you would be with her…”
Leona knew that his brother was aware of his distaste for the marriage, but the will of their father, even as he lay sickly on his bed, had to be followed.
“Leona…”
He knew what that tone in her voice meant.
He looked down at her slightly, immediately noticing her half-lidded eyes and her sudden shy but sensual smile.
“Will you stay with me a little longer…?”
She didn’t even have to ask.
He pulled her to her bedroom. And there, they lost themselves into each other’s arms, wrapped up in the heat of their love.
. . .
. . . .
. . .
“Did you meet up with your friends?”
The question came to him as they basked in the afterglow of their lovemaking. She had her head against his chest, his arm around her as he slowly traced shapes on her skin.
“Jack said that you asked him and Ruggie to escort me…” she said, recalling her meeting with her friends from NRC the past week.
Leona had taken it upon himself to invite some notable people from NRC, especially those he knew she would be close with. Most of them also knew of the relationship they kept going through with, as dangerous as it was.
Vil Schönheit had actually been the one to visit her first. He was invited as Leona’s acquaintance and former school “friend”, according to Leona himself. Vil was one of the few people who knew about their continuing relationship despite Leona’s arranged marriage, and out of respect for Yuu (who Vil was clearly fond of) agreed to keep it a secret.
Kalim and Jamil were invited as well, under the pretext of Kalim being the first son of House Asim and Jamil as his servant. When they came to her home, they reminisced on old times and agreed to keep in touch.
As she told him about their visits, she remembered another thing.
“I didn’t expect you to invite Malleus to the wedding…” she said.
“He’s your friend, isn’t he?”
“Yes but…”
Although she continued writing to malleus, as he was her cherished friend, she knew that the two of them hardly got along.
“A lotta random royals, nobles and celebrities are invited out of formality, so I thought that I might as well invite someone you’re familiar with. Kalim, Vil, Idia, and Malleus came to mind at first.”
He looked down at her as he stroked her hair, “I’m sure you’ll be fine with their company. If you’re around people like them then no one should be able to bother you. I made sure to tell them all to visit you before the wedding.”
Malleus didn’t come alone, of course. Lilia, Silver, and Sebek came there as the Briar Valley prince’s attendants.
Those four weren’t daft by any means. She knew that they had probably already figured out that they were keeping their relationship a secret from the public.
“Are you alright with this?” Sebek had asked her, his voice strangely reluctant and…soft.
“We both aren’t,” she admitted to him, “But this is… the only way we could live right now.”
Malleus sighed, lamenting how unfortunate your circumstances are.
“If you need a place to belong, let us know,” He told her. “Briar Valley will welcome you with open arms.”
“Thank you…” she smiled kindly at her friends, “But I belong with Leona.”
“Leona, congratulations on your wedding.”
Leona watched as Vil approached him with Yuu around his arm.
Vil turned to the bride with a practiced smile, “and to you as well, my lady.”
“Congratulations, both of you,” Yuu said with a smile that made Leona uncomfortable. He hated her fake smiles.
He hated this. He hated all of this.
“You truly are fortunate, Lady Aisha,” her words pierced his heart like a bullet. His hands were itching to hold her in his arms. “To be wed to Leona… well, it might not be easy but…”
Yuu met his eyes, something profound shining within them, mixed with hopelessness and pain.
“I’m sure…he’ll be a very wonderful lover.”
The bride noticed the look Leona was giving the human girl while pondering the meaning of her words. With a strained smile, clearly masking her irritation, Aisha intertwined her arms around Leona’s and smiled at her.
“Oh I am well aware of that,” she says with a sickeningly sweet smile, “he is always so good to me.”
Yuu didn’t mean to take her words too far, but despite the bitterness in Aisha’s words, she smiled like a flower in bloom, masking her pain like it was nothing.
“I wish you both happiness.”
. . . .
. . . . .
. . . .
“Kifaji.”
The royal family’s long-time aid turned around at the sharp call of Leona’s new bride. Her features were marred with irritation, unbefitting of the occasion.
“Yes, my lady?” He acknowledged her calmly, ready to take every complain she has.
“Who is that woman?”
Kifaji looked at where she was pointing only to see Leona chatting with Yuu.
The aid’s expression softened at the sight of them. Leona’s eyes were unguarded as he spoke to the young woman, seemingly taking in every word she was saying. Yuu, on the other hand, despite the occasion simply seemed happy to be in the presence of the second prince.
It was the same scene he had seen quite a few years ago, when Leona brought her along with some other schoolmates for Tamashina-Mina. She was a darling little thing— she was beautiful. She got along well with their friends and Leona cared about her more than he liked to admit. But it didn’t escape Kifaji’s eyes when he saw Leona buy her a gift. A necklace the same color as his eyes, just as she requested.
“You should have chosen one with your eye color instead.” He heard Leona say to her.
“No,” Yuu shakes her head, “I like the color of your eyes better.”
She was sweet and by no means a push-over. She knew how to keep Leona in place without being pushy, and it was clear to anyone that Leona favored her greatly.
Kifaji had…hoped that he got to see Leona happy with her.
If it hadn’t been for the arranged marriage that the two princes’ father wanted… then maybe… maybe then the second prince would finally smile for the rest of his days…
“That is Miss Yuu, a long-time friend of his Highness,” he told Aisha calmly. “Prince Leona is quite fond of her, as is Prince Cheka, please do get along with her.”
“They look too close to be friends,” she quipped.
Kifaji could only do what he could for the Prince he had taken care of…
“I would not worry about that,” he said, expression unchanging, “I am certain that they are only friends.”
The lady huffed before fixing her wedding garments and going back to the party, Kifaji could finally breathe.
It was 12 AM at midnight, just two hours after the wedding and the reception ended when she heard something park itself on her driveway.
Before she could get the chance to look out the window, someone immediately knocks on the door.
In a rush, she opens the door only to see the lion that had been plaguing her thoughts, feeding the shadows whispering in her mind.
Large arms wrapped themselves around her in a warm embrace.
“I drove here as soon as everyone was asleep.”
She returned his embrace, feeling the beat of his heart against hers.
“You shouldn’t have come here.”
“I can’t stand it. She was so annoying…” he buried his nose against her hair. “All she did was complain when all I did was nap on the bed.”
Lady Aisha must have gotten angry that Leona wouldn't touch her on their wedding night... She thought to herself. The thought of Leona sharing a bed with another woman made her heartache. She wanted to erase the image in her mind..
But she couldn’t do much now, can she? He was a married man now, but it wasn’t to her… no, it was to someone else.
However…
“Aren’t you gonna welcome me home?”
He will always return to her. Never touched and never kissed by anyone else but her.
She chuckles, looking up at him with pained eyes.
“It’s your wedding night, you know…? You could at least…”
“I told you, I ain’t touchin’ her.”
“You…you don’t have to… but it might make your family mad if you suddenly—“
He places a hand under her chin and forces her to look at him before stroking her cheek.
“I don’t care,” he says with finality. “I don’t care about that stupid wedding. I don’t care about her. I don’t care about any of them.”
His forehead touches hers, a tear escapes her eye.
“I care about us.”
And he kisses her with more love than he could ever give.
Another night passes, and Leona is once more entangled in Yuu’s arms.
#AAAAAAARRGGGHHHHHH#I WROTE THIS OUT OF SPITE#I HOPE THE WRITER WHO WROTE THE THING I WAS LOOKING FOR SUDDENLY DMS ME AND SLAPS MY FACE SO I CAN GO TO THEIR BLOG AND FIND THE FIC T^T#LET LEONA AND YUU BE HAPPY#STUPID ARRANGED MARRIAGE SHIT UGH#LEONA IS SO LOYAL TO YUU YALL HE AINT TOUCHIN NO WOMAN#HE'S ON HIS WAY TO MASTERMIND THAT OTHER LADY OUT OF HIS LIFE DOE JDKFVNKSDFJNDKFJVN#twst x reader#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#disney twisted wonderland#twst yuu#disney twst#twst#Leona Kingscholar#Leona Kingscholar x reader#leona x reader#Mistress! Yuu
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One can only take so much… before they break
(Alex Morgan X OC)
Hi, yes i know i’ve been away for a very long time, but I wanted to give this writing thing another shot to see if I still had anything left in the tank. Hopefully this isn’t the most dreadful thing you’ve ever read. So sorry if it is. Please be advised this one deals with some very strong emotions and topics. Implied mental abuse, Suicidal ideation and just overall sadness and anxiety. This will be a multi parter as my fingers got away from me lol.
This one is 99% Alex x OC, although the character’s name is never dropped as I wasn’t sure if I was going to make this an x reader fic or not. If anyone has any name suggestions at the end I’m all ears. And future parts will definitely be more USWNT x OC
3.4k Words
Everything is your fault. It always is. Why can’t you do anything right?! It all fell apart because of you! You know that, and so do they. They hate you for it. Your own mother won’t even talk to you.
“Hey, kid… Kid?…Dude!” I was so lost in thought I didn’t even hear one of my teammates calling out to me.
“Huh? What?” I looked up to see Alex looking down at me worriedly.
“Are you okay little duck?” She said squatting down so she was eye level with me. She put her hand on my cheek rubbing it softly raising an eyebrow when i didn’t say anything immediately.
“Hmm? Oh yeah, I’m fine.” I said softly, making a poor attempt at a smile but I’m fairly certain it came across as a grimace instead. I looked down and refused to look back up even though I could feel Alex trying to get me to look at her.
“Hey… what is it?” She said moving her head so she could look into my eyes, which at this point were watering and I was doing my very best to force the tears away.
“I-It’s nothing… I-I’m fine.” I said, my voice breaking. I brought my hand up to rub my eyes and I stood up and tried to make a quick get away, but Alex wasn’t having it.
“Stop, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” She put her hands on my shoulders to try and stop me from leaving but I pushed her off and started to walk away.
“I said I’m fine, just drop it Alex. Please.” I gave up trying to stop the tears, they were freely flowing now and i let out a sob as I broke into a full sprint when I heard her starting to follow me, calling out to me. I ran passed several of our fellow national team, teammates who were watching everything unfold.
I beat her to the locker room, grabbed my stuff and made a mad dash to my car, getting in and attempting to regulate my breathing. The tears were still coming in full force, sobs racked my body as I tried and failed to calm myself down. How pathetic is this? Crying like a big baby, because your mommy made you sad? I really am weak aren’t I? No that’s not true. The girls always tell me I’m strong and that I’m their brave big girl. Yeah it’s a bit baby-ish but it gets the point across. I wrestled with my own thoughts and was so engrossed in arguing with myself that i didn’t even realize I made it back to my apartment already. I also didn’t hear my phone ringing incessantly while I drove. I hesitated a bit seeing as it was Alex, probably trying to figure out where i went. It almost went to voicemail before i decided to answer.
“Hello” my voice was raw from all the crying I did, but I sounded more tired than distraught now.
“Baby, where did you go? What happened back there? Why did you run away? Please talk to me. I’m worried about you.” She said all in one breath, I bit my lip contemplating my answer. Then i took a deep breath and decided to just bite the bullet and be at least partially truthful.
“I… um, I was going thru a-a lot during the break between camps, I mean I guess I still am going thru a lot right now, given my very apparent meltdown earlier. I-I’m sorry Alex, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I won’t do it again, I swear.” My damn voice started breaking again as the tears started back up.
“Hey, hey, hey… little one, please breathe, you’re okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. Take deep, slow breaths, in and out.” she said gently, guiding me thru some breathing exercises until my breathing was less erratic. “Can you tell me where you are please? I’m going to come get you and we’ll talk this through and maybe we can order a pizza and watch movies, what do you say?” She asked, I could tell she was trying to remain calm but I could hear her voice quiver just slightly. She was scared, and rightfully so, this isn’t the first time I’d run off and usually when i did, I became self destructive at worst and let myself rot in bed for a week at best.
“I’m at the apartment.” I said and she let out a sigh of relief on the other end of the line.
“Okay good. I’m on my way, be there in 10. Stay there, please.”
I took one last deep breath before I got out of the car and made my way inside. I intended to sit on the couch and wait for her to get home but then the more i thought about having to talk to Alex about what’s been going on the more anxious i became. I started pacing and started mumbling to myself about what i was going to say and how I was going to say it. I wanted to let Alex in but I knew if I wasn’t careful I would let her in too much and I wasn’t ready for that. Being 17 and all my ability to regulate my emotions and understand them wasn’t the best as I’m sure you’ve already figured out.
10 minutes went by quickly and Alex was there before i knew it. She quickly made her way inside and dropped her bag by the door, coming up to me and taking me by the shoulders again to get me to stop pacing.
“Stop, please. You’re spiraling, what’s going on?”
“I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Like what? Is it your family? Soccer?”
“Family.” I mumbled, attempting to yank myself out of her grasp but she just wrapped her arms around my torso tightly so i couldn’t run away. “Let go Alex I can’t do this. Please let go.” I kept fighting against her hold but she wasn’t relenting, and while i would’ve denied it in the moment, I needed that.
“Shh, shh bub, just relax. I’ve got you. I’m here now it’s all gonna be okay, okay? I promise. Please just let me help you.” She said softly and I finally just allowed her to fully pull me against her chest, she relaxed her grip just slightly moving one of her hands to the back of my head, stroking my hair softly, resting her chin on the top of my head. “You’re okay, you’re safe now.” She whispered, and she continued to mumble reassurances to me as she rocked me in her arms slightly.
“Do we have to talk about this?” I mumbled.
“Yeah kid unfortunately we do. You know the rules when you decide to run away like you did earlier.” She kissed my head before picking me up with ease and moving us to the couch. She kept her hold on me and let me curl up into her lap, I tucked my head in the crook of her neck.
“I don’t want to.” I attempted to say firmly but it came out as a whine.
“Remember what I said? It’ll all be okay. I know this is scary but I’m not going anywhere and anything you tell me isn’t going to scare me away. I promise you. You’re my brave big girl, hmm?”
“I’m 17, you know?” I said in an attempt to seem tough.
“And that’s why i said you’re a big girl. But you’re still the baby on the team and little one to me.” She said chuckling softly. “You can do this.” she said after a moment rubbing my arm gently.
“I can do this.” I repeated to myself. I moved myself out of the safety of Alex’s arms slightly, putting some distance between us and turning to fully face her, steeling myself for the tough conversation ahead. I’m a very sensitive and emotional person so these conversations always make me cry no matter how much I try to stop it.
Do you want me to call the rest of the girls? Is this something they should know about too?”
“Too many people. Not ready, I think it’s better if I tell you everything first and then maybe only tell them the gist of it after.”
“Okay, then that’s what we’ll do. Whenever you’re ready.”
“I guess I’ll start at the beginning. So you know how in between camps and during off season I go home to be with my family? Well I went and everything fell apart, and it’s all my fault. Just like everything always is.”
“Hey, no don’t say that.” She cut me off, she hates when i am self deprecating.
“Its true though. I fucked everything up. You know how my brother and I work at the same place right? Well and you know how my shift is closing? So I work 1-10pm? Which my mom hates.” She nodded her head as I was talking to let me know she was following along. “Well one night it was bad… The weather was horrendous because in my hometown we get a lot of snow. A-and so one of the days I worked I was one of the f-few people to show up and, when everything was all said and done there was a huge mess left behind from the disaster of a day we had….” I was beginning to become emotional just thinking about what had happened that night, and i hated that it still made me feel such strong emotions.
“It’s okay, do you want to keep going?” Alex asked me softly, stroking the back of my head softly. she knew sometimes that talking about things was hard for me and that i needed to take breaks in order to get the whole story out.
“Yes i need to. I can do it.” I said determinedly. Blinking away the tears.
“Anyways, it was a mess and being a “Back up Team lead” sometimes i made a decision to send everyone else home and clean up. And since my brother worked on overnights I called him and asked him to come help me clean up so that i could go home at a semi-reasonable time. He came over to help but when they wanted to send him back to his normal area he refused and he s-started arguing with his boss about how he was going to choose family over his job at the moment and they d-didn’t like that so they sent him home for the night, and he didn’t have a car so he called my mom to pick him up…” I stopped to catch my breath as i realize I hadn’t been breathing
“Shh, easy baby, nice, slow deep breaths, you’re doing so good.” She said. I hadn’t been looking at Alex very much this whole time but when I finally did I could see unshed tears in her eyes. I knew it was hard for her any time i was upset or emotional in a negative way. She gently wiped away the tears that made their way down my cheeks.
“My mom came to get him, and then she called me, and she was angry, she demanded I come home so I did and when I got there she told me she had a lot of opinions about what happened but she was just going to keep her mouth shut. She told me to get out of her sight so I did. She wouldn’t even look at me. Just like that I was transported back to when I was a little kid and she would get angry and she would just tell me she didn’t want to look at me. It felt like a knife to the chest. I didn’t understand what i did to upset her so much and I knew she wouldn’t tell me. All part of her “healing process.” I said bitterly.
“Fast forward to the next morning, I woke up to the news my brother had been fired. I called him to apologize and I asked him what our mom said to him and he said that she blames me for him getting fired. She said I should have known better. I knew how much he needed that job.” My hands were shaking and my breathing was ragged as I played with the strings of my hoodie.
“That wasn’t your fault, you have to know that.”
“Yes it was. It is. He hasn’t found a job since and he-he’s struggling again. You remember what happened last time he was struggling don’t you? I can’t do that again, I can’t! Everything he does, every decision he makes that’s not good is my fault. My mom wants me to be “an example” for him but he’s older! How fucking twisted is that?! Why are things never his fault?!” I yelled standing up suddenly startling Alex.
“Okay, okay let’s take a break hmm?” Alex stood up holding up her hands to show me she meant no harm.
“No! You don’t get it! Everything is my fault! My own mother thinks so! I know he’s struggling but can’t she see I’m struggling too?! ” I threw a plastic cup that was on the table across the room.
“Stop. Now. We don’t throw things when we’re upset, do you understand?” Alex said sternly.
My lip wobbled as I started crying again. “I’ve spent the last 4 years trying my very best to hold my family together through everything we’ve been thru. I got my brother the job working where i do and now I’m the reason he lost it. And now he and his girlfriend risk being homeless because she doesn’t have a job either. And if they lose their apartment they move back home with my mom, which means I’ll probably have to move back to be there with her because I can’t just leave her there by herself with them. It wouldn’t be fair. Which in turn means I’ll have to put my life on hold. The life I finally made for myself.”
I’m so tired of being emotional exhausted. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t even want to be alive anymore.”
“Woah, hold on… what do you mean by that?” Alex’s eyes widened as she processed what i said.
“I mean what I just said I don’t want to be alive anymore okay? I want the pain to stop. I need it to stop.”
The silence that followed was long and tense. I immediately regretted saying what i said. But realized i couldn’t walk it back. Alex finally took a deep breath and began speaking again.
“How long have you been feeling this way? Do you- Do you have a plan?” She asked quietly, her voice breaking as she did.
“No I don’t have a plan, I just sometimes think about how much easier it would be if I wasn’t here anymore. And sometimes I think about hurting myself but i haven’t acted on it. And i’ve been feeling this way since last year, when my mom and i got into that big blowout fight at Thanksgiving. You know she didn’t even want me moving out here? She’s never really let that fight go.” I laughed hollowly.
“Thank you for telling me, and being honest with me. I know that wasn’t easy. Why didn’t your mom want you to move out here?”
“She thinks you and the girls have too much of an influence over me. She thinks you guys are “changing” me. She threatened to force me to quit playing soccer all together.”
“What? Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?”
“It didn’t seem relevant.”
“Didn’t seem relevant?! How’s that? If i had known that I would’ve just had you move out here permanently!”
“Alex…”
“No I’m serious! I understand you’re still 17 but you’re out of high school and you should be able to decide your own path.
“I’ve been trying, but the situation with my brother gives her more reason to say i should just quit playing.
Alex goes quietly again and I can tell she’s thinking. I can tell she’s angry. She has never really liked my mom and visa versa, their relationship is courteous at best.
“I think sometimes you forget that you’re still a kid. I know that you have had a lot put on your shoulders and that a lot is expected of you, but your brothers choices that night are not your fault and I’m sorry he’s having a hard time and he might have to move back home, which yes will be hard for your mom but that doesn’t mean that you have to give up your life for them. They will be okay. I promise you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes i do, you wanna know how I know?” She said and I nodded meekly.
“I know because your brother is strong, and so is your mom. And while i’ve never met her I’m sure his girlfriend is too. You don’t have to hold anyone else up but yourself. Not anymore. Their emotions and their… predicaments are not yours to try and fix. i don’t want you going home for a while okay? It’s clear that it’s taking a toll on you and to be frank, This is your home. Here with me, With the other girls. We have you okay? And we will never leave you. Ever.”
I turned away from her and tried to calm myself completely. I was so over all the crying and I bet you are too.
“You’re probably so sick of me crying.” I said chuckling quietly. Alex Vehemently shook her head and wrapped her arms around me, kissing my head.
“Not at all, you needed to get it out. it’s never good to hold it all in like you did, you know that.”
“I know, I just…”
“Have a hard time letting yourself be vulnerable. I know love. I know. So here’s what we’re going to do. I think writing your thoughts out might help what do you think?”
“Maybe…” i said hesitantly.
“Don’t worry no one else will read it but you. And the only way anyone will ever know anything you write down is if you tell them. And I know you going home for part of the year is to help you be able to pay your half of the rent but don’t worry about it okay? I will cover any excess we have from the missing income okay? I meant it when I said your home was here with me.”
“Alex you don’t have to-….”
“Yes i do. You’re very important to me, and I care about you and the things you need. And right now you need a bit of a break.”
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
“Anything for you kid. Now listen I also want you to really consider talking to a therapist or a mental health professional about how you’ve been feeling okay? I won’t force you but I think you might benefit from it. And please talk to me, or one of the other girls if you feel like hurting yourself. I don’t want you to think you have to go thru that alone okay?”
“Okay i will.” She’s right, it’s probably about time i go to therapy, I’m still hesitant as sharing my feelings and the things i keep inside has never been my strong suit.
“Now, how about you go take a warm shower to calm down a bit more, I’ll order some pizzas and get the girls over here?”
“I’d like that.” I smiled softly and headed upstairs to do as she suggested.
About an hour later I was showered, comfy and sitting on the couch sandwiched between Alex and Christen. A “Chrislex” sandwich if you will. Tobin was on Christen’s left, Mal, Sam, Kristie, Rose and the rest of the team were laying as close to me as they could get and spread out through out the living room. Pizza was also spread out through the room as people shared with one another. We had Moana on as the girls said I could pick and that’s my go to movie. I was so focused on the movie i almost didn’t notice my phone buzzing at my side. I looked at the text that came thru and my heart dropped as I realized who it was from… My mom.
“You need to come home.”
Is all it said. My hands instantly started shaking and I had that panicking feeling rising in my chest again. Alex looked over at me curiously and I forced the fakest smile i could muster onto my face. I’m in deep shit now…
//
To Be Continued…
There will be a part 2 and the rest of the team will be in that one more, promise. Please let me know what you think!
#uswnt imagines#uswnt#christen press#uswnt x reader#imagines#writing#alex morgan#uswnt x original character#alex morgan x orginal character
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Slut wife
My husband Tom was never well endowed at a little under 5 inches. But also quit thin erect he was no thicker then a roll of nickels. He was willing to extend foreplay and always tried to make me cum. But after the birth of our daughter. That changed. No matter what he did I felt no pleasure from him except from his tounge. I tried to do Kegal exercises and other things but nothing worked. I found myself sneaking into the bathroom after he fell asleep to masterbate.
Now Tom was a great husband a good provider and would always be a fantastic father to out daughter. But as a lover he failed. For months I endured. I would try different positions. I even asked if he would like to try anal. But he wasn't interested saying it was gross. I wasn't looking to have an affair. But it just kinda happened one day. I was driving home. It was pouring down rain and I got a flat tire. To my luck there was a garage half a block away. I ran down the street and this gorgeous 30 something man opens the door letting me run in. I hand him my keys and explain pointing at my car. He went and got it. When he came back he started to tell me that I needed a tire. He was staring at me. I looked down to notice I often didn't wear a bra, not having big breast. That you could see thru my soaking wet dress as if I wasn't wearing anything at all. I turned red and he handed me a towel.
"I will fix it right up" he fumbled and went back into the garage. I basically wrapped the towel around me not doing much. If I covered my breast you could clearly see my thong well one or the other. I called Tom and told him. He would have to pick up Bethany our daughter from his mother's. Mark had the tire fixed in no time. Mark tried not to stare still able to see thru my dress as I paid the bill.
"Thank you so much, and sorry" I motioned for basically flashing him.
"Nonsense you are welcome back anytime it rains" he joked.
"And if it's not?" I asked. He stepped close to me taking the towel.
"I am sorry I didn't mean" I wanted him to throw me down and take me "I am married" I told him barely able to breath. As he bent and kissed me. I kissed him back and started to tear off his shirt. He looked around then opened the back of my suv and laid me down. His dirty pants fell around his ankles along with his boxers. He pushed his cock. Yes cock a real strong hard cock. Into me. I was so wet he slid right in. My legs wrapped around his waist as he fucked me. He didn't make love or even have sex this man FUCKED me. I screamed as he made me cum. He wasn't Done he pulled me out of the car and bent me over the bumper like I was a doll and drive his cock back into me. He had not even taken my thong off just pulled to the side. I came again as he came deep inside me. I fixed my dress just as another costumer pulled in. Anyone could have watched us from the road I thought. Which excited me even more. As he talked the other customer I didn't wait I just drove away.
I still managed to get home before Tom. I used the bathroom and as cum leaked from me I fantasied about the mechanic and started to masterbate. I had my vibrator buried deep inside me my panties on the floor and dress hiked up. I had not heard Tom. Till he opened the bathroom door. He just stood and watched.
I came loudly all over my toy. Pushing the mechanics cum out as Tom watched I pushed toy into my ass. And moaned. Tom had is dick out and jerked off with two fingers. As he came it didn't even shoot instead fell onto his shoe. I went to check on the baby. When I came back Tom was washing my toy.
Tom seemed distant the rest of the night. When we where getting ready for bed Tom asked.
"How long have you been seeing him?"
"What?" I asked not sure I had heard him.
"How long have you been having an affair?" He said facing me.
"It happened today. Just today the guy who fixed the tire" I sighed relieved to tell him.
"It just happened, I " I stopped and looked up at him.
"I am sorry but I swear I have been faithful but today I just gave in to desire" I told him. I grabbed my pillow and went to sleep in the guest room.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"I guess to the spare room" I told him. Was he going to leave me.
"Don't be silly, come here" he patted the bed.
"I believe you, and I understand" he told me. "I know we have been struggling to ........ in bed since Bethany was born. Maybe this is what we need" he told me.
"I don't understand" I told him.
"Would you like to see him again? Or maybe someone else?" He asked. I was even more confused. He clasped my hands.
"I want you to find a lover" he told me. "Or several" he added.
"Tom, we can work past this" I told him.
"Liz, I am asking you to find a lover to please you. I will always be your husband" he tried to explain
"You want me to cheat on you?" I asked
"Not cheat, with my blessing." He told me. "I know I am not very big. And now i can't even" he didn't finish just held me.
"Yes find a man to please you however you need" he told me. He was rock hard I noticed thru his thin boxers.
"This gets you excited?" I asked he just nodded. I laid back he kissed my breast.
"Tell me about him" Tom said.
"Like what?" I asked as he kissed my neck.
"Is he big? Did you cum? Where, what position?" He blurted out.
"In the back of the suv, he had me on my back then doggie style" I told him he got even more excited.
"Are you going to cum? " I asked he dick still in his boxers. He just moaned " Yes he made me cum twice" I told him and he came in his boxers. He kissed me and got up to change.
"Tom, you really want this don't you?" I asked.
"Yes" he said as he wiped up his cum. Then came back to bed.
"After you want me to tell you about it?" I teased. "Maybe some video?"
" he snuggled against me, " yes" he moaned. And fell asleep. I couldn't sleep so I turned to the internet. And found alot of men have this type of fantasy. Cuckolds, Hotwives, the more I read the more questions I had. But they could wait.
In the morning I asked Tom again.
"Last night what we talked about?" I smiled
"Yes" he replied
"Still feel the same way?" I asked
"Very much so, why don't you go see him today I will watch Bethany." He stated. He went and got the baby. I found the receipt and called the repair shop.
"Hello this is Mark" he answered
"Yes, my name is liz I was in yesterday and you um fixed Me" I laughed
He laughed. "Of course"
"I was wondering if I could get that service again" I said
"Why don't you meet me for coffee, in an hour" he told me.
"Ok" he mentioned the coffee house near his shop. I hung up showered and got ready. I rushed and didn't say anything to Tom till I was walking out the door.
"Be back later, going to get fucked" I teased him. He just kissed me goodbye. Mark was waiting for me. I walked straight up and kissed him.
"I don't want coffee" I told him he took me outside. And we went above the coffee shop. To his apartment. Once inside he was all over me.
"Fuck me" I moaned as he peeled off my panties.
His rough hands sliding over my body. He bent me over his couch. And drove his cock balls deep. And didn't stop until he filled me with his seed. He pulled our and I spun and dropped to my knees taking him in my mouth. He grew hard as I tasted my dirty cunt on his cock. He sat in a chair and let me mount him. I rode him fast. As an orgam ripped through me. I stopped just sat with him inside me. He kissed and sucked my breast hard. Biting them even. He scooped up some of his cum that was leaking from me and pushed it into my mouth.
"Taste your cheating pussy" he told me then lifted me off had me drop back to the floor. He grabbed my hair and fucked my face. As I gagged and spit all over his cock. Until he fed me his second load. I fell back on the floor. He got dressed. I was still naked as he had me stand in front of him.
"Can I see you again?" I asked him.
"Of course" he replied
"Have you ever been spanked?" He asked me taking off his belt. I swallowed hard.
"no" I whispered.
"Spoiled rich girls need it you know the belt slid across my thigh. I shook with excitement.
"When you come back I want a plug in your ass" he told me. Then one swat with his belt across my ass. I jumped and he let me get dressed. I stopped at the adult book store before going home. I found a trainer set of butt plugs. And bought them along with lube. The sales clerk smiled and gave me their website. I then headed home to see Tom.
The baby was taking a nap when I came in. Tom rushed to me and kissed me.
"Tom, I just " I tried to stop him.
"I don't care" he told me. I pushed him back.
"I read about other things Cuckolds like." Using that word for the first time. It spurred Tom on. I held him back. And dropped my pants. My panties soaked with cum. I rubbed them and licked my fingers.he dropped and kissed my panties. He looked up at me and I just nodded with a smile ad he pulled my panties down. He licked me tasting cum clothes the first time.
"Well?" I asked. He moved his head to the side. As if deciding then licked me again. Sucking Mark's cum out of me. As I stood leaning against the front door. When he was satisfied he had gotten it all he stood and kissed me. I reached down and pulled out his little dick. I held it with two fingers.
"It is so cute" I teased him. I knelt and took his dick and balls in my mouth at the same time. He came in seconds. I stood and kissed him letting his taste his own cum as well. I went to shower and Tom went to check on Bethany. Tom saw me when I got out of the shower. Hickeys all over my breast. He looked concerned
I just smiled. I told him everything. We made rules. I had to tell him where I was meeting, I would tell him all about what happened. Either one of us could stop it at anytime no argument just say enough. I would stay on birth control. And when we where ready decide what to do about having a second child.
I continued to see Mark. It was pure sex. He took my ass about two weeks after. Mark always stayed home. He bought me lingerie to wear for Mark. And licked me clean after every date. Mark never did really spank me. But liked to play that he would. Worst I ever got was two smacks. After a few months it ended. I quickly found another. I liked the tough working man. Such a contrast to Tom. I was a slut wife and I loved every moment of it
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Do you recommend anything for helping with internalized homophobia? Today I added the title of a folder "lesbian pride" and realised how much it scares me to actually call myself a lesbian. What if I'm bi??? Honestly one of the biggest intrusive thoughts whenever I even just wanna write "I'm a lesbian" because I used to id as bi, I rlly thought I was at first. Then I realised how much I don't actually like men. But it's weird because penis drawings don't irck me, so wtf. The thought of being with a real breathing man does though, that sounds awful.
But the problem is that I'm still young. I've been with nobody yet!!! I'm 18 tho, so not THAT young, yet what if I somehow fall for a man in the future, I just...
Maybe it sounds messed up, but I don't wanna suffer discrimination for it to be 'my fault' (not as in, I or any gay person deserves it, but in the way of making it more difficult for myself by myself) in the end. And more than anything, I'd also hate to prove homophobic relatives and people right.
For these reasons I don't call myself a lesbian. Nor do I call myself bi because it doesn't feel right. I just try to avoid refering to myself as a lesbian and write instead "I love women" or "I only love women" or "as someone who loves women"...
I don't want to do that though, I just want to get rid of this uncertainty and like. Stop feeling embarassed/afraid about it or whatever. I can't identify the feeling well.
being comfortable with calling yourself a lesbian or bisexual or whatever it is that you are often takes time and patience from my experience. when i first came out, i called myself “sapphic” or “gay” bc something about the word “lesbian” sounded so strong and scary to me. take your time tbh, maybe try it out here and there but don’t push too hard to use a certain term. if you’re uncertain of yourself still you can keep exploring your sexuality and figuring out your feelings. i wish sexuality were so black n white and we could just always know immediately bc it’d make things easier but it simply isn’t. being wrong is possible and i went thru a similar point as u, but after some time it becomes unavoidable really. like you’ll automatically come to the conclusion of “well… im x years old now. never been into a man. never been interested. still don’t find them attractive” and thus, calling yourself a lesbian is only rational. it’s also hard to have that confidence in your sexuality if you’re inexperienced, some ppl manage but ime most do not. i think you should give yourself time and don’t rush it too much, bc it often does come naturally, with time & experience & confidence.
also not being disgusted by a penis DRAWING isnt necessarily a reflection of your sexuality. i doubt most heterosexual women will have much of a reaction to vulva drawings. most straight men will draw dicks everywhere.
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#40: Trust Fund/Joanna Gruesome - Split 12" EP
Released - Sep 22, 2014
Highest UK chart position - Did not chart
First heard - Forums, 2014
If I make a little tally chart of when I discovered all of these songs, 2014 accounts for a full 20% of them. The reason for this is not so mysterious: after over a decade of being able to do next to nothing, I found myself suddenly able to do slightly more than next to nothing and so the era of buying less than half a dozen CDs a year suddenly fell away. I looked around music blogs and forums, I found people with (what my girlfriend calls) “cousin eardrums” on the internet and I started to build a relationship with a world outside my head for the first time in years. This EP was at the centre of what I loved about DiY indie at that time, primarily because it was the first Trust Fund record that I heard and Trust Fund remain for me the best of those bands. My capacity to talk about them has already been tested to worrying levels (there’s a very long essay I wrote about them somewhere on the internet that was referred to as my dissertation by friends), but I appreciate that my audience here is more of the “who dat?” variety, so I shall try and keep this fairly brief.
Tho the 10s are largely regarded as a musical backwater for indie, I’m tempted to think of them as a Golden Age for DiY guitar pop. Being what it was, it broke little new ground, but there was a strong sense of character in the music that made its identity feel distinct to me - maybe that’s just the zeal of the newcomer, idk. Trust Fund themselves sound a lot like American slacker rock pushed thru a UK indiepop blender: you could hear the chunky Weezer style powerchords and the more angular Pavement-type elements, but within that, there’s also Ellis Jones’s faltering, high pitched whine of a voice singing about his two favourite subjects, awkward friendship and dishonesty. At one of these two poles is “No Pressure”, an alt country daze where Jones offers a girlfriend a safe space for some sort of emotional recovery. This leads to some of his best lines - “this is not your house and you do not cut the grass” in particular captures all the care and solicitousness of making sure someone feels welcome in a difficult situation - and the song itself becomes a sombre but comforting refuge from the worst that the world has to offer. At the other is the razor sharp power pop of Scared, an absolute rush of a song but one where pace and melody tend to mask the sheer desperation of Ellis’s vocal. Lead track Reading The Wrappers is great too - (ed. makes “wind it up” gestures) - yeah, alright… (for fucks sake - ed.)
The other side of this 12” single is occupied by Joanna Gruesome, a better band than their name suggests but who are not on top form here: only the elegiac shimmer and melancholy of Coffee Implosion matches up to any of the Trust Fund tunes. That doesn’t really matter tho - four of these six songs are among the very best of their kind. While it’s a record that still stands on its merits, it’s become a time capsule for me too, a moment where I was excited by music for the first time in years and feeling like my life was, for once, heading somewhere other than indefinite illness. The illness thing didn’t pan out: I got worse again, improved more, had a breakdown somewhere in the middle and finally understood that being able to go for a walk and make my own dinner was about as good as it was likely to get. But the music is still important to me, both on this record and all the others that I discovered from 2013/14 onwards. I can’t say much has ever happened in my life - it’s largely been based around long periods of nothing at all - but this was a time when I again became a person that related to the outside world as something other than a sick body and those records were my conduit for that. Whatever it is that I’ve become now, it began with these songs.
#Uncool50#50favouritesingles#Trust Fund#Joanna Gruesome#Indiepop#DiY pop#10s Music#Bandcamp#Personal
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I'm so conflicted
I pride myself on being sturdy and strong and mature
I havent been that way the last month
I had a whole ass autistic meltdown and bit down on my arm until I broke skin and bruised myself because nothing else I did was getting rid of the intense rage and panic and helplessness at feeling claustrophobic in my own body.
Not throwing things, hitting things with pillows, stabbing pillows with non sharp objects. Pain was the only thing that overwhelmed the senses that were running haywire making me feel like I was going insane.
I hate hurting myself, I hate that it's the only thing that regulates me, I hate that my parents never got me diagnosed as a kid so I could fucking know what to do.
I had to call off work because as soon as I logged in I burst into tears bc I just fucking couldn't do it anymore. Not for tonight, maybe not tomorrow night either.
I'm dog tired, bone deep exhausted, everything hurts and I've been so fucking stressed I haven't even had a period for two months.
I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind but I also can't do anything about it because I don't have the time or money to go back to therapy, I don't have the 400+$ to get diagnosed to get specialized help so I just have to push thru this somehow.
I'm not doing okay
I wish I didn't have to live in a world where the only option is to work 40+ hours a week, spend your weekend cleaning and cooking and running errands and socializing and still keeping a sleep schedule. I'm burnt out. My tank is empty and I feel like I'm shaking out the droplets when there's just nothing left.
I don't know how anyone survives like this and I'm starting to really understand why only a small fraction of diagnosed autistics work. The rest of us diagnosed or otherwise are probably hanging on by a fucking thread.
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turning 30.
7 July - I went to Terry's wedding in hopes to repay all his kindness and love he has showered me over the past couple of years. I have never been more thankful for someone eventhough I've rejected him for more 20 times in the past 2 years.
Going to Brunei for the first time, not knowing anybody; I was destined to stick by the groom through this very challenging time for him. Why did you ask? Well, his wedding is what we would call "a shotgun wedding" aka unexpected pregnancy.
Context: Terry and Rachel got pregnant after dating for 4 months and decided to be good christian families and marry each other.
The entire wedding was honestly interesting, not only was I pushed in different directions to look for a new bf from his family members but Terry himself teased me by asking me if I wanna find a Bruneian boyfriend. It got pretty exhausting and tiring after awhile, I even yelled at him to stfu for the 5th time.
Low and behold, I met Bryant, omg Bryant. LOL.
Both Bryant and Ryan (the groomsmen) were tasked to "take care of me" during the wedding dinner cause Terry would never be able to anyway. He was far too busy getting high off his tits and drunk to even care bout me - so I understand and oblige.
Bryant was the first dude I really noticed cause, well, he was the only other dude covered in tattoos and he looked somewhat normal compared to the other jarringly Bruneian Chinese people there. But the INFJ in me was strong, I was too shy to say hi or introduce myself. Funny thing is, so was Bryant.
Of course, extroverted Ryan (his bestie) decided to walk up to me and introduce themselves to me (thankgod) cause I wouldn't have done it myself.
TLDR: We ended up getting pretty fucked up and blacked out for most of the wedding. Turns out Bryant and I were pretty close the entire night (we didn't remember a single thing). We spent the night knocked out on my bed cause Bryant had a flat tyre sending me back to my hotel.
But who could blame him? I mean look at me I'm gorgeous LOL. OK, jokes aside, we did end up spending the rest of my days in Brunei together cause Terry ended up in the doghouse with Rachel for the 2 nights after seemingly abandoning her at their own wedding and attempting to kiss me (you cannot make this shit up guys).
Upon leaving the country, I found myself missing Bryant and wishing we had more than a couple of days together....we spoke bout this for 2 nights in a row after I left and he decided to fly down after.
The reason was simple:
My birthday celebration - she turned 30 guys haha
To spend more time and explore what this could potentially be
My birthday wasn't something to shout about. It didn't really matter to me how I celebrated being 30 but it mattered who was there for it. I had an amazing time either way cause Bryant was there. I really think losing Aaron was a manifestation of what Bryant came to be in my life.
Someone who is unexpected, calm, kind and caring. OMG I don't think I have ever been more in love. My heart swells in the happiest manner when I talk to him eventhough it is thru the phone. It was amazing.
Come my actual birthday, I had to fly off to Copenhagen with my family and I was DREADING it. I wish I could back out of this truly. I wish I could just take the 2 weeks I am off to spend it with Bryant anywhere I want. I wish I could just do it.
Bryant said he would be home at mine when I come back cause thats how much he misses me too. And for the love of God, bless this man cause eventhough we are doing LDR it doesn't feel like it.
So, work is shitty but turning 30 brought in an unexpected love I didn't think I would find <3
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Press Replay
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Happy belated New Year...I guess. I’m not sure if I wrote a recap post from last year. If not, here it is lol. Two months into 2023 and I’m living in my joy. During the summer I said I want to live in peace, and I been living in peace since I gain stability in my life. Though October is an emotional triggering time for me, I declared that I want to live in joy. And reflecting back, I DESERVE PEACE & JOY! 2020 to 2022 were doozies for me. Sometimes I wonder how I even made it this far. I know for sure that my faith in God helped me overcome my challenges and helped me make some tough decisions. Those years taught me how strong I am and how far my love goes. After October I feel like a new woman. Similar to 2018, I made space to love myself again. I renewed the confidence inside myself that I pushed aside in order to adhere to the needs of others. I’m being more intentional in how I take care of my needs. Like Miley Cyrus says, “I can buy myself flowers”.
It is the 7th month mark of me being employed at BIDMC. The time is actually passing by fast. Soon I will be celebrating my 1-year anniversary with Adelante and the Center for Violence Prevention & Recovery. I’m not sure if I would label this as a roadblock, yet I’m questioning my “WHY”. When I say my “why”, I mean I’m questioning why I choose to work for CVPR. I know my reasons why I decided to apply for the peer specialist and social work advocate positions with Adelante. However, if Adelante didn’t exist, and the position as a social worker was open with CVPR would’ve I took interest in the open position. Would I even apply? I started thinking about this about a week or two weeks ago. Flipping thru the pages of my social work (SW) journal, I wrote down Adelante’s job posting three times, so I have no doubt that God called me to this program. During the interview process I think I unconsciously ignored the job responsibilities associated with CVPR. It’s like things have flipped over these past months. My first 3 months I was engulfed in a CVPR bubble. Once things started to settle down around late September to mid-October, I found myself in an Adelante bubble which I’m not complaining about because I had so many questions on what I was supposed to be doing regarding my Adelante clients. And then the concerns around the programs funding was holding space in the back of my mind [and still does a little bit]. With the increase in pay and a revision/renewal of the MOVA grant that CVPR receives, and the fact we can’t afford to lose any more staff, I still have a job at the end of June 2023. I’m not sure if I could sustain myself working a full time On-call schedule. Thinking about it, it feels like I’m back interning in the Intake department at Samaritan House except CVPR receives everyone from underneath the sun even though they may not fit the program’s criteria, CVPR overextends itself to help EVERYONE.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help those in acute distress, but when is enough enough...you know? BURNOUT. COMPASSION FATIGUE. Out of the blue I became sick which sucks. Yet, I believe this is God’s way of telling me that I need to rest because I’m doing too much. 8am to 5pm in the office. A long 5-day work week. Back-to-back with few breaks. Only two days to do what I want, but really can’t because I’m trying to catch up on the adult aspects of my life outside of work. Preparing for my ASWB Master’s exam. Being more active at NewCity Church. Indulging in my hobbies. Squeezing time to socialize in some capacity. Painting a picture for myself at this phase of my life. Creating & reading this list is making me tired hahaha. It felt good leaving work around 2pm after being there since 7:40am, and getting home around 3pm, take a midafternoon nap & still have energy for the rest of the evening. Feels like HEAVEN! I had to force myself to callout Friday because I was still feeling poopy. I’m glad I did because I rested more and got some fresh air, but the wind reminded me real quick that I was still sick. Yet that morning I was tempted to input case notes into the database. I can’t waste a sick day doing unpaid work. Again, I don’t get paid for overtime. If it wasn’t for how the OVC or MOVA grant is written, I could have a Monday to Thursday work schedule (I still meet the full-time criteria for BIDMC SW). Maybe after my 1-year anniversary, I can speak with Cynthia (my supervisor) if I can adjust my work hours. Mon to Thur 8am to 3pm then Fri 8:30am to 5pm (this seems reasonable to me). And still work from home on Wednesdays. On those days it’s still technically 8:30am to 5pm, but I start at 9:30 am to whenever I have my last meeting for that day [TBD].
All in all, I don’t regret my decision when it comes to my career. I work with a good time and receive good benefits. I wish us SW could have more vacation time and separate time for personal (mental health) days, but sometimes you have to give and take. In the long run, I would like to open my own bookstore whenever God calls me towards a different path or maybe when I’m close to retirement. I will sell used & new books along with some treats on some days like muffins, cookies, or brownies. Simple things. Or maybe a soup of the day if I feel like it. Outside of water, I can sell hot chocolate and/or apple cider when the Fall & Winter comes around. Depending on building space, I can host different events like book clubs, author/writer readings, open mic nights, SLAM poetry readings, and etc. I wouldn’t be doing it for the money. I believe everyone should have access to books that’s why I would like one of those mailboxes that are “Take a Book, Leave a Book” too. The simple life I’m telling you. I can create my own hours and I don’t need to hire many employees to help me out either. I don’t mind accepting volunteers.
My reading list keeps expanding lol. It’s like every few days I’m finding new book recommendations to add to the list. I think I have about 22 books on the list and counting. Me and Jada are restarting our mini book club in May. We are starting with one of her picks from her list then we will read a book from list. Right now, I’m in the mist of reading Michelle Obama’s second book. I want to follow that book with a novel called Jesus Feminist. Me knowing me, I’m going to be reading one or two other books simultaneously in between books. Throughout January, I’ve been working on my poetry and started formulating my second poetry collection. I need to revisit my first collection Purple Hearts and pick up where I left off...trying to get established so my collection can be sold on Amazon. I revised a few poems I wrote in 2021 and even selected a few to be used in my second collection. I still want to title this collection Mariposa (butterfly in Spanish). The writing process has been very therapeutic. I want to write more pose pieces. I’m experimenting with writing in different point of views as well as trying my skills in writing from the male perspective. Did some research and figured out what I want to do for my first solo trip. I want to rent a treehouse or cabin in Vermont for a three-day weekend (Sat to Mon), probably during the Fall. This will be like a mini writer’s retreat for myself. Being surrounded by nature in a relaxing environment should give me plenty of space to draw inspiration and creativity to write. I will bring little technology with me just the basics. That sounds lovely to me.
Oh wow! I’ve been in Boston for 2 years and 6 months. WOW! I can’t believe it. I still miss Gloucester, but Boston is slowly growing on me. I like the New England Fall and the energy it brings. Though I miss the Southern humidity, I like how the summer weather here is more like the Spring temperatures back at home. I was never really much of a fan of the snow, and I’m still not. I hate the frigid cold weather especially the negative degree weather we had last week (YIKES). I hate the traffic around here; Boston drivers are the worse, and the lack of parking is a nightmare. No public transportation system is perfect but at least Boston has an expansive one that can get me where I need to be without having to worry about traffic and parking. I like how I can always find something to do either in or outside of the city. I love the diverse food scene it feeds the foodie inside me lol. I wish the cost of living is cheaper, but it is one of those compromises because some of that money is used for public benefit services (I hope so anyway). Racism & discrimination exist here too and not just in the south or in small communities. My inner nerd loves the abundant options available when it comes to education. The dating scene for me hasn’t been the greatest experience. I’ve been able to expand my friend pool just a little bit. I discovered my church community (NewCity Church-Newton). I still have more of Massachusetts to explore.
I did make my 2023 Vision board. I would post it, but I don’t like how it’s in Black & White instead of color. It’s whatever. On this board it displays pictures of what I want phase or stage 2 of my life. Marriage, family, and my dream house. I won’t be having this future with my ex-partner. It took me a while to realize that for myself because I was watching other people near my age experiencing these major milestones when I envisioned myself taking those very steps too. God had other plans for me. I understand that He wanted me to have stability first before I could bring a life into this world or begin intertwining my life with someone else. Yet, marriage & family isn’t end game for me. I have so much more to look forward to, and I’m excited to share these experiences with my husband and children Ahyoka, Hendrix, & Ezra (if God allows Snoopy too). Considering my future, I might be living the early stages of my marriage and children’s lives in Massachusetts before relocating somewhere else. I would love to be closer to family so my children will be familiar with their family and my madre can help me out, but it’s one of those wait see things (opportunities). Whether I remain at BIDMC or not, I’m not sure where I would relocate. Newton is too expensive, and some other areas are too crowded. I want my own privacy. I don’t want to be living on top of other families or be in such close proximity to my neighbors like that. I just want to live somewhere where me and my husband can maintain good prosperous jobs, somewhat of a diverse community, my children have access to a good education and activities, and I can be a homeowner without sacrificing too much of my family and personal free time.
My short-term goals: pass my ASWB Master’s exam (LCSW); purchase a “real” bed, pay-off my car, move into my own apartment, employed with Adelante for 5 years, take my mother on a vacation, become a partner at NewCity Church, travel to Jamaica & the Netherlands, and have my family visit me in Boston again.
My long-term goals: pass my ASWB Clinical exam (LICSW); build or purchase a home, continue to travel, publish Mariposa, pay-off my mother’s trailer, continue to have a successful career, be a youth/teen minister, reverse my PCOS symptoms, debt free, and continue to build my savings.
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Rate your (abusive?) parents! (this is not meant as a serious diagnostic tool, not all abusive parents can be measured this simply, however it does provides some reference.)
1. How warm and loving were your parents?
a. They made me feel very loved and appreciated.
b. They were sometimes a little dismissive but I was taken seriously when necessary.
c. I was loved.... occasionally... it was a hit or miss some days.
d. They acted as if they would rather they didn't have me.
e. They were fake warm, even if they were smiling I felt resented, despised and afraid.
2. How scared are you of your parents?
a. Scared? They're my parents. Why would I be afraid?
b. If I swear something nasty at them they give a threatening look but I'm not that scared.
c. They're scary on some days, if they're in a good mood it's fine.
d. I have nightmares about them, I feel scared even if I hadn't done anything wrong.
e. I would prefer to be dead than to face them again from the amount of terror I feel.
3. How well do your parents pay attention to your needs?
a. They know what I need before I even realize it.
b. I have to remind them that I need new pair of sneakers sometimes.
c. They expect me to say if I need something, otherwise it goes neglected.
d. I don't like them paying attention to me, they don't most of the time.
e. I'm allowed to have needs? Says who?
4. Do they notice when you're in distress?
a. Yeah, if something happens they immediately reassure me.
b. If I'm acting strange, someone talks to me the same day and helps me.
c. Well, if I'm distressed about something obvious, and if they have nothing better to do.
d. They'd only notice if I was already dying and then tell me it's my fault.
e. Notice? They CAUSE the distress. They enjoy it. I'm sick of having to act strong.
5. Do your parents take time to teach you all necessary skills for survival?
a. If I feel like learning, I can ask them anything; they research if they don't know.
b. Well they teach me what they know and I feel capable of survival so yes.
c. I'm supposed to learn from watching them, they don't answer questions.
d. No, they only tell me to stuff and get angry if I get it wrong.
e. They convinced me it's impossible for me to survive and that teaching me is a waste.
6. Do your parents provide you with basics (food, shelter, clothes, healthcare) unconditionally?
a. Of course! I know I can always count on them for these.
b. Yeah, they want me to be safe and sound, even if they're mad at me.
c. I have to figure out some of it myself, can't always count on food or healthcare.
d. I get parts of it, and I'm told I should be grateful and that I'm in debt forever due to it.
e. I'm threatened with being thrown out, starved and/or all my stuff taken away constantly.
7. Are your aspirations, hobbies, achievements and happiness important to them?
a. They want me to be as happy as possible and put a lot of effort into it.
b. Yes, if they can do anything to help me be happy, they do it.
c. I'm not sure if they know all my aspirations or hobbies.
d. They don't think my aspirations or achievements are worth shit. Happiness? I don't know her.
e. They go out of their way to sabotage my achievements and happiness.
8. Do your parents provide you with rewards for completing tasks for them?
a. Yeah! If I do everything well I get additional money or privileges I want!
b. I am well appreciated, even if there's not always a reward, I get praised.
c. If you count 'here's more things to do and then we'll leave you alone' a reward..
d. I get told 'it would have been better if you did nothing' and snapped at to do more
e. If I don't complete the chores, I will get hurt. I get humiliated and criticized while doing it.
9. Do your parents criticize your style, appearance, friends or relationships?
a. They're happy with whatever makes me happy, they only say something if they're worried.
b. Well one time I was in an abusive friendship, and they criticized the other kid. Otherwise, no.
c. I don't think they notice most of the time. Only if it's in their way of something.
d. They only criticize it if it reflects badly on them.
e. I can't step into the house without being criticized. They hate everything on me.
10. Are your parents proud of you?
a. Yes, they remind me so constantly.
b. Well not all the time, but if I do something well.
c. They don't have time to feel things and stuff about me.
d. I don't think 'proud' and 'me' could ever occur in the same sentence.
e. They'd be proud if I didn't exist.
Results:
If your answers mostly dwelved around a. and b., then your parents did well enough at least in these categories, and you were able to experience a measure of safety and acceptance in your home. This is what is generally expected of parents to provide for children, and if they're 'good enough', they'll be providing all this for the most of time. This isn't to say your relationship with them is perfect; they still might be pushing pressure and expectations in other areas, or disagree in fundamental levels with you. If you have even one result at d. or e., they might be covering up abuse.
If for a lot of answers you found yourself picking c., then you are likely to have experienced neglect, inconsistency, lack of nurturing, lack of care. This goes into the category of 'not good enough parenting' and abuse. It's likely to them, you were only a backdrop, someone to care about their issues more than they care about yours, a convenience they used to get things done. It's likely you often had to keep your own life in order and assist theirs. This can make you feel like you only exist when it's convenient to others, and give you major insecurities about your self-esteem, importance, and self care. It can also set you up for an abusive relationship.
If your answers were mostly d. and e., I am sorry to say but your parents were a complete disgrace and a failure. They not only neglected all of your needs, emotions and human rights, but did their best to cast as much damage on you as possible. You were not treated with dignity and humanity that you deserved. You've been put thru a lot of undeserved hatred, and life shouldn't have been so hard on you when you were just a kid. It's likely you are or will struggle with trauma due to neglect, hostility, hatred and cruelty that was forced on you when you were vulnerable and defenseless. You shouldn't have been left alone with those people. If your answers stem more towards e, it suggests narcissistic parents.
Mixed: If your answers range across all of the options, it suggests that your parents, even while doing well in some areas, neglected and abused you in others, which makes your situation fairly complicated; you want to believe they love you and you see a proof of that, yet they sometimes hurt you very badly, and their affection is inconsistent, mixed with bursts of cruelty and denial of your humanity and dignity. Know that it isn't hard not to abuse a child. It's not a completely unreasonable thing to ask of people to not be cruel to children, to not damage your well being. Your parents shouldn't have gone to such lengths to be hurtful to you, and being okay at other times is no excuse. Good people are good consistently, not when they feel like it. This is, again, a result that suggests abuse.
#child abuse#abusive parents#emotional abuse#psychological abuse#recognizing abuse#abuse resources#abuse quiz#toxic parents#narcissistic parents#traumatic childhood#references to how parents should act#formatting this on tumblr was so hard#staff give us polls and quizzes#activity would soar#we could be the new quizilla but you scared#also beta is awful#options missing#had to turn it off to post this#it also has CHARACTER LIMIT#no thank you#take it away
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Clingy
Anon asks: hello! I wanted to request something along the lines of Jin calling his gf clingy behind her back when really she’s just going thru a lot atm and in need of Jin. Super angsty, but with a kind of happy ending??thank you so much if you do end up writing this :)
Paring: Kim Seokjin/reader
Summary: When life becomes too much you always look to Jin for support; however, it seems he’s grown tired of it.
Warnings: angst, mentions of depression, slight fluff
Word Count: 1.5k
You were so grateful for your boyfriend.
Jin seemed to be perfect in every way. You got along easily, he was funny and kind, attentive despite idol life. He was wonderful. He was your perfect shoulder to lean on when you needed it and lately it seemed that you were having more downs and ups in life. You were in your final years of university, working part-time as well. It could get pretty overwhelming at times. You were keeping up fine with your work, but could probably use some more studying, but work was just so hectic lately. It was draining, dealing with rude people and a tough boss that always seemed to have something negative to say to you. Things were starting to feel bad again. Mornings you struggled to get out of bed, often too tired and sluggish to get ready. But you did, you managed to force yourself up and out. Getting through the day was hard though.
Today has been hard. One of your grades was slipping and work had been busier than it had all week. Your manager had yelled at you for not working fast enough, but it was hard when the store seemed packed full of people. You left later than usual as well. Still, you tried to look forward to seeing Jin after such a long day. Lately, he has been the only thing keeping you afloat. Spending time with him just seemed to melt your stress away. Being able to talk to him made the weight on your shoulders feel just a bit lighter.
At this time Jin was still at the studio, but you had already told him you would come by for a bit after work. It was something you did often and Jin always seemed to enjoy it when you came. You entered the building, heading for the practice room right away. The door was cracked open, music off indicating that they were probably taking a breather. You took a deep breath, trying to lift your spirits a bit more before going in. As you went to push the door open you stopped when you heard Jin and Namjoon speaking.
“Is Y/n still going to come by?” Namjoon asked.
“Probably.” Jin sighed.
“You don’t sound very excited.”
“It’s just- she’s been so clingy lately.” Jin admitted, “it’s all day every day with her, I don’t even get any time just for myself anymore.”
You dropped your arm from the doorknob. Clingy? Jin thought you were clingy? Blinking a few times you felt the tears that had built up throughout the day threatening to fall. You hadn’t thought you were being clingy, just seeking comfort. You told him how hard things were getting, but maybe you had gone overboard? You sniffled, taking a step back to turn around and leave, but you bumped into someone instead. Jimin was standing there, a bit of a pale look on his face at what Jin had said. “Y/n” he spoke, “I’m sure he didn’t mean it like-”
“I know what he meant” You interrupted, feeling the tears begin to fall. “It’s fine I’ve just been- um” you reached to brush away the tears falling from your eyes. The build of the past few days was finally getting to you. Hearing Jin says that was just what set it all off. You couldn’t help it as you broke down in a fit of tears.
“Y/n, don’t cry” Jimin begged, “come in and talk to Jin.”
“No, I-I don’t want to bother him.” You took a deep breath. “I’m just going to go home, it’s fine.”
“Let me take you home” Jimin offered, “practice is pretty much over anyway, you shouldn’t go alone.” Jimin didn’t give you much of a choice as he told you to wait for him, running in to grab his things and tell the others he had to go. He walked with you out, catching a car to take the two of you to your apartment. He held your hand and tried to comfort you, telling you that Jin was just being stupid, that he didn’t mean it.
You were grateful for his attempts to comfort you, but you had a feeling this wasn’t just some accident. Jimin stayed with you for a bit, talking some more. You told him about your recent troubles, breaking down under the stress of it again. Jimin was there for you as a good friend, but you couldn’t help but wish it was Jin who was sitting with you right now.
You didn’t contact Jin that night or the next day. Jimin checked up on you at least, and when Jin finally texted you ignored him. What was the point if he thought you were too clingy with your problems? He wanted some alone time, so you were giving it to him. Luckily you had the weekend off of work, but the two classes you had over the weekend went missed. You felt bad, thinking about the material you were missing, but you couldn’t seem to drum up the motivation to get out of bed. It wasn’t a new feeling, you had had pretty bad run-ins with depression in the past. It had been a while since you felt this bad though, it felt like the past was just repeating itself. You hardly ate and barely took care of yourself. You just couldn’t see the point in it right now.
Jin, on the other hand, despite enjoying some more free time was beginning to get worried about you. He texted and called a few times, all of them went unanswered. We stopped by your work one evening, only to find you had the weekend off and even called Monday off as well. It had been two days since that evening and he was becoming worried. He contemplated going to your apartment. “Maybe she’s just busy with other things right now.” Taehyung offered as Jin stared at his phone with furrowed brows.
“But she hasn’t answered in almost three days,” he sighed.
“What’s the big deal, didn’t you say she was being too clingy?” Jimin asked, looking up from his phone. “Enjoy your free time Hyung.”
Jin’s face grew a bit flustered. “I didn’t mean-”
“You know she heard you say it right?” Jimin asked, “she looked really hurt, started crying even.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You shouldn’t string her along. If you don’t want to be around her then tell her yourself.” Jimin frowned, “she’s alright, just upset.”
“You talked to her?”
“Yeah, I’ve been checking in. She doesn’t really want to talk to me or anyone.” Jimin informed, “I’m mad at you for being so careless Hyung, but if you really do care about her I suggest you fix things.”
Jin was at your apartment only an hour later. He knocked a few times, waiting impatiently for your answer. He used the spare key you had given him to get in. He went straight for the bedroom, frowning at how dark it was. He moved to peel the curtains open, letting the sunlight bounce around the room and onto the pile of blankets on the bed. “Y/n?” Jin asked, going to your bedside and tossing the blankets off of your head. “Y/n, are you alright?” He asked, concern laced in his tone. You didn’t look very good, curled up in the safety of your blankers, hair tangled and heavy bag under your eyes.
“What do you want?” You asked coldly, turning away.
“Y/n, I didn’t mean for you to hear what I said-”
“Well, I did. I’m sorry for being so clingy Jin.” You tried to keep your voice strong and mad, but you could feel it slipping the more he talked to you.
“I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.” Jin apologized, “you’re not clingy, I was just talking my stress out on you. I love being around you.”
“I-I don’t mean to be so clingy Jin, things are just really hard right now.” You sniffle, turning over to look at him. “Work, school, everything’s too much. You make everything better, that’s why I wanted to be around you so much. You make me forget all my problems.”
“I know” Jin spoke softly, moving to sit down beside you, his hand coming to rub up and down your arm. “I shouldn’t talk about you like that, you know I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Can I cuddle?” He asked, waiting for you to slowly nod and scoot over a bit so he could slip under the covers beside you. He wrapped his arms around you, pressing a kiss to the side of your head. “We can talk more about it later okay? I love you Y/n.”
You nodded, not entirely feeling better. You were willing to talk more about it, as you weren’t willing to just break your relationship off over it. You loved Jin, obviously, he loved you as well, but you couldn’t help the creeping feeling in the back of your mind. You weren’t sure if things with Jin would ever truly go back to normal.
#bts fanfic#bts reactions#bts imagines#bts#bts x reader#kim seokjin x reader#kim seokjin imagine#jin x reader#bts jin x reader#slight angst#bts angst#seokjin angst
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Can you explain the appeal of Julian Blackthorn? This is a genuine question because I read the books and came away utterly bored by him and unconvinced of his moral greyness as opposed to like, Adam Parrish’s. He seemed so one dimensional to me but I want to know if I’m Wrong TM considering I tend to be very very biased toward my favourite characters and bored by the rest, and my favourites were Mark and Kieran. So maybe I just didn’t pay him enough attention??
it’s been a while since i wrote any earnest tsc meta but cringe culture is dead and the chance to infodump about my julian thoughts has me vibrating where i’m sitting so. yes okay.
technical stuff
(aka: things pertaining to How The Story Is Constructed)
cassandra clare’s characterization has become much stronger just in general since she first began writing the series like twenty years ago
perhaps most importantly: the more recent stuff i’ve read from her has involved characters who actually grow, change, and learn from their past mistakes
rather than repeating the same stupid decisions over and over again
and over and over and over some more
seriously take a shot every time someone in tmi miscommunicates or self-destructs in ways They Have Learned Not To Do for no real reason. u will die of alcohol poisoning
in tda this shines ESPECIALLY with the evolution of mark, kieran, and cristina’s relationship, but that’s a separate post
clare’s trademark is also the angsty traumatized jerkass love interest with a secret heart of gold
the woman is almost singlehandedly responsible for draco in leather pants and the proliferation of this kind of character type in fandom and teen lit. this isn’t a criticism it’s me marveling at how if you commit hard enough to a single trope you truly can change the world. follow your dreams
sad jackass with a heart of gold isn’t an Inherently Problematic Character Type
but poorly done it can lead to relationship dynamics in which one partner is constantly being hurt by and then forgiving the other despite them making no real effort to change, because they are narratively absolved due to being sad
(there’s a lot of this with earlier jace content. in some ways i think will was later created specifically to be a same-archetype protagonist who actually does get called on his shit and grow. that’s also another post)
also if all of your sexy male love interests are tortured jackasses with a heart of gold then people start calling you a one-trick pony
enter julian blackthorn!
from the very start everything about him is designed to be the INVERSE of the heart of gold jackass. which immediately makes him interesting just from a meta perspective
(mark and kieran are also both alternate angles on this time-honored archetype. mark gets the heart of gold and kieran gets the jackass and then they’re both much more deeply messy than that. yet another post)
julian is kind, self-sacrificing, empathetic, artistic, emotionally supportive, responsible, and favored by old grannies everywhere
so a completely nonthreatening milquetoast guy, right
immediately forgettable if you’re only here for the dramatic conflicts and shithead antics of clare’s other protags
except that he is A Mess
and that he has structured his priorities very carefully, and they are as selfless as you expect from The Hero (TM) but they are also Not Heroic (TM) and they do not align with the moral framework The Hero (TM) is supposed to use
moral ambiguity in characters always exists in relation to their narratives imo. you mention adam parrish - trc’s narrative already mucks around in different ethical shades of gray, and adam falls on the canon scale about where julian does on his canon scale. both more willing than the average pov character to do the ruthless thing or make the fucked-up choice if the ends justify the means; both with an intensely strong sense of internal priorities that they adhere to at all costs, both so unbelievably fucking down for murder; etc
i do think there are ways julian’s choices could have been pushed even further, but considering the number of readers who hate his guts already, i can see why clare opted not to go for the most controversial possible conflicts
so we’re flipping the narrative
instead of seeing this angsty bad boy and peeling back the layers of his trauma to find his heart of gold, we’re seeing the put-together selfless family man and peeling back the layers of his Responsibility Mask to expose the rotting husk underneath
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
THAT IS FUN AS FUCK
then when julian DOES lash out in hurtful, uncontrolled ways, he has significantly more narrative justification for it than most of clare’s protagonists (will elaborate in characterization thoughts)
julian is also interesting as fuck because of how his struggles allow for a more in-depth look at the failings of shadowhunter society, something that’s also sorely lacking in clare’s earlier work
his apparent amorality is simply the result of him making pragmatic and impossible choices because he has been faced with fucked-up ethical dilemmas since age 12 Because Society Has Failed Him
which opens the door for narrative exploration of how and why he’s been failed so badly & what needs to change
i also love that he has such a coldly calculated way of analyzing situations and allowing harm to occur when need be, bc a lot of clare’s early protagonists have such a bad case of Rush In And Get Myself Killed Because I’ve Got Feelings About Impulsive Heroism syndrome that i wanna push them in front of a truck
probably there’s other meta narrative stuff i could say but i’m stopping myself and moving on to character analysis
characterization stuff
(aka: reasons why i’m also attached to him in a vacuum)
i don’t read him as one-dimensional at all tbh
u may feel the narrative pushes “ruthless julian blackthorn” too much without delivering enough actual ruthless julian But i don’t think that’s the same as having only one dimension
from the get-go, the big question centered on julian is always “how far are you willing to go?” and the narrative pushes the stakes slowly higher and higher to continuously test julian’s “the price is always justified” mindset
he has a far more layered and realistic response to trauma than clare’s early protagonists - trauma affects every single aspect of his personality and how he conducts himself, and the effects vary depending on the circumstances
his conviction that he has to be the perfect parent to his siblings because they will fall apart if they see him show weakness?? rooted in how he feels like he’s fallen apart since losing the stable adult support he once relied upon
his willingness to hurt semi-innocent people, commit coldblooded murder, manipulate people using political leverage, allow harm to befall any stranger if it protects his family?? rooted in how he has already had to ask himself how much he’s willing to sacrifice, and how his family is his only source of stability when the world has never done Shit for him
his conviction that he has a darker heart than anyone else because he killed his possessed father, even though intellectually he knows he was saving his brother’s life?? rooted in having no means of processing this trauma and being unable to voice his feelings for fear of backlash from a deeply non-understanding society
the way he represses every single negative emotion he ever has, to the point where emma - his actual literal magic soulmate who can feel his emotions - is startled to find him hurting or angry?? once again all about how he has to be the perfect father or he’s failed completely
the way his anger is so totally disproportionate to different situations and the way his negative emotions can only come out in completely uncontrolled breaks?? all that repression baybey. this kid has not processed a single bad feeling in five years. every single real grievance and petty annoyance has been festering indefinitely inside him like a slowly spreading infection
julian’s arc involves him needing to get thru being his worst self to actually start to heal
as in, he has to actually learn to acknowledge his feelings, take care of himself, lean on his family, and let other people take some responsibility
he also has to learn that in his quest to be the perfect emotionally controlled authority figure, he has not actually learned how to control or deal with his emotions. like. At Fucking All. good god
the narrative setup is also about asking “how far are you willing to go?” until the answer is finally “not this far. not this far”
and once he reaches that point, he has to reevaluate everything about how he weighs his priorities and morals and plans, etc
(i also like that emma has a perpendicular arc in which she’s always the one tempering julian and telling him “no we can’t go that far” until she’s willing to do something horrific that he absolutely won’t and HE has to stop HER. very sexy)
it’s also just really nice to have a character who’s learned to relate so well to literally every single member of his family while still having a very detached ruthless interior consciousness. i have similar feelings about how adam teaches himself to love people, but with julian it’s spelled out more explicitly in canon & it’s a more central character theme
i’m sure i’m also forgetting stuff here but this post is long enough so i’m gonna say good enough
and like i said in the tags on my other post, there are things i’d personally write differently if it were my story - plot points i’d shift, character contrasts i’d up, themes i’d explore differently, pacing i’d adjust, etc. i have plenty of ways i could be nitpicky and editorial about the effectiveness of julian’s arc. but i also don’t feel like writing them out at the moment & none of my critiques on effectiveness have an impact on the core appeal of his character 2 me. he’s so fucking good
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Anon said: Would you draw SukuFushi? (Sukuna x Fushiguro)
maybe? *thinking face* if I ever got an idea for it, why not. I find sukuna’s obsession with fushiguro entertaining so I don’t count fanarts for it as impossible haha
Anon said: I looked and I couldn't find if you've answered this already, so apologies if you did, but how do you draw your faces? I always struggle with face shape and yours are always super good with really expressive features! Anyway, thanks so much I love your art <3
HMMMMMMMM how do I do that indeed, the basics are honestly what you’d find on any basic tutorial about drawing a face (circle, cross in the middle of it, build the face around that - I really still can’t avoid that step and probably never will). As for the expressions, to be honest with you my way of going about them is thinking them up in emoji/kaomoji form first and then go from there. Emojis and kaomojis have to simplify expressions to the max since it’s such a simple format, right? But they’re still super expressive and convey exactly what they’re trying to say with one single glance, so using them as some kind of reference sheet has helped me a lot in figuring out what’s essential to express what I’m trying to say - still working on it though! I’m rarely satisfied with my expressions, they really do make or break a drawing don’t they............ you never stop learning, I guess!
Anon said: Ahhhhhhh I just spent like hrs scrolling thru ur oc tag and they’re all amazing I love them so much but I keep confusing the everloving SHIT out of myself cuz I too have a child who is Leo and he’s literally so different from ur Leo lol. Anyway tho ur art is amazing and it honestly just makes me so happy so ty and hope have a good day!!
OHHHHHHHHHHHH MY LEO! It’d been forever since I’ve last drawn him, I kind of miss him............... glad you like my stuff, by the way! Especially about you liking my ocs, that means the world to me!
Anon said: hi there !!! i was wondering if i had ur permission to ur ur itafushi art in one of my edits ! i wanted to be sure before using it <3 total respect if its a no !! thankyouuuu
Sorry but I’d prefer if you didn’t do that!
Anon said:THERES A OCTOPATH TRAVELER LIGHT NOVEL AND ITS SO COOL BUT ITS ONLY IN JAPANEESE ! ;^;There's four stories with centered around pairs of characters and alfion is one of them !Idk if itll be transleted but i hope itll be cuz it sound awesome
OH I KNOW!!!!!!! I saw the art for the alfion one a while back, it looks so soft!!!! ;;;;; 8path is kinda niche as a game though, so who knows.............. let’s cross our fingers!!
Anon said: hello, i am here to recc Skeletons by New Years Day because i think it might fit a few of your ships<3
Thanks anon now I’m emo ;;;;;
Anon said: bakubro gives the best hugs. kirishima is the only one who knows this. everyone is absolutely incredulous when the question "who gives the best hugs" goes around and kirishima answers bakugo. (bakugo thinks kirishima is the best but he benefits from kirishima bodily hugging him and he's biased)
Definitely!! He’s strong and warm after all, bet hugging him would feel the best.... the only one who shall ever know is kiri though, as I bet his hugs are only that nice when he really likes the person he’s hugging hahaha
Anon said: Hi! Just wanted to say that I absolutely love your JJK art! The colors and style are absolutely stunning.
Thank you so much!!!!!!! I feel like I’m mostly drawing for myself lately ngl hahaha so knowing you like it means a lot!!
Anon said: Hi!! This isn't a request I just really like your art! I found you from Pinterest on a kiribaku thing you drew! Your art is so cool! I wish I could draw like that!!! I'll keep looking for new art you've made :D
Aw pinterest.......................... glad you could find your way back here though!! And thank you!!
Anon said: This happened a while ago, but i wanted to say it anyway. I remember when I started watching jujutsu kaisen and I was looking for content arter finishing the first 10 episodes in less than a day and I found your first jujutsu kaisen post (it was posted that dame day) and i was like ???? One of my favorite artists got into jk at the same time than me!!! I just thought it was a neat coincedence to share! I really love your art too, you're amazing!! Happy New Year!!
It’s!!!!!!!!!!!! a pretty dang neat coincidence for me too, since it’s always nice to know at least some of my followers are still into the stuff I make hahahaha
Anon said: i think a lot abt ur art and how ive been seeing u since middle school and now im graduating highschool and we're still in the same fandoms, i hope this doesnt make u feel old but rather VERY cherished qwq
No anon this makes me feel amazing you’ve been around so long!!!!!!! I can’t believe you’re still here with my thank you so much for that!!!!!! I think I’m gonna cry a little here.......... ;;;
Anon said: Hi! I love your art so much!! 🥰 Have you read a KiriBaku fic called The Pit??
Probably not, haven’t been reading krbk fics in a while by now! I’ll add it to my for-later list, thank you so much for the rec!!
Anon said: can u believe that (sans sero) the entire bakusquad can be put into some form of punk/goth fashion? the realization was a galaxy brain moment for me. also realizing that tokoyami, kirishima, and tamaki are all varying levels of goth/emo (some more concerning than others)
Sero’s the hippie friend every punk friend group needs, he balances things out and that’s why he’s very cherished and necessary!!!!
Anon said: your bakugo drawings convinced me to finally start stretching my ears and tbh i'm extremely excited (i've had off and on thoughts of stretching my ears (again) before this so it's not as impulsive as it sounds haha)
Anon that’s so cool!!!!!!! I love gauges so much.....................glad I could give you the last push for it!!
Anon said: uhhhh, i love the style of that top left goge drawing dude!!
THANK YOU I LOVE DRAWING IN THAT STYLE THIS ASK MEANS THE UNIVERSE TO ME
Anon said: i sent the dragon!kiri and bakugo tug-of-waring over a piece of meat and honestly your response is exactly what i thought
Great minds!!!!!!! hahaha
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Do you think or know whether Jerry ever regretted all of the affairs and sleeping around? Or if he looked back on it differently later on? I know he'd talked about it kind of jokingly, which i'm sure was a default/defense mechanism. I also get all the factors that contributed to that behavior so I don't really judge him for it, and he wasn't the only one doing it by any means...I was just wondering if you had a take on it or knew anything. Still love him, that horny little bugger lol ;)
He did feel guilty and for awhile, and he tried to be faithful to Patti in his own mind by not finishing inside the woman he was with. According to Jane McCormick:
"Jerry was almost bashful when it came to having sex, but he thoroughly enjoyed it. Still, he had a quirky way of dealing with his loyalty to his wife. He would not climax inside me, no matter what kind of sex we had."
Of course you'll see Jerry boasting about his sexual escapades and other crap like he didn't care when he was older like on E True Hollywood Story or Playboy, and GQ Magazine, but I always go back to this passage that Jerry wrote to himself and consider this the truth, because here he didn't have to put on a show for anyone, or try to look macho by saying he had all these women.
From Patti Lewis' book:
“Jerry was a master at candidly acting out personal vignettes about three areas of real life: relationships, situations, and predicaments. They form the backbone of his comedy. He nurtured many relationships and wrote volumes on how he felt. I tried to understand what he was saying, beyond the words, when I read the notes he sent me; the “I luv you’s” written across my makeup mirror at home; and the longer messages I found on my desk.” ”At times I found him five parts philosopher, one part humanist, ten parts deep thinker, one part spiritual, fifty parts comedian, twelve parts unpredictability, and twenty-one parts everything else. In 1966, one late summer afternoon, I found the following and took it to the garden to read:”
”To ask how deeply I feel is like asking, ‘Where is God?’” ”We can answer with nothing more than “if’s” and “maybe’s.” “In other words, the answers are really intangibles, yet I’m going to attempt to answer one of them to the best of my knowledge and awareness.
My feelings, where my wife is concerned, are very deep and very sacred…She is the very reason I live…for she is the only reason I know that makes living worth anything…and the boys that she produced for me are equally worth it, but one day they’ll leave and then there will be only us…
She is the first human thing that has ever cared about me or for me…Oh, there were little dogs, and little boys and a few beings that cared, but not enough that I could have survived.
It was only when she came into my life that I realized I had a life to live…I was always made to feel that I was given a case of breath out of pity…It was as though someone said, “We have plenty, give him some.” Then I knew I had to make good and be someone, or something a little better than those that gave me an occasional handout… As I got older, I didn’t much care about being better than them anymore…I just cared about staying alive and getting some degree of respect as a human thing on God’s Earth…I knew he didn’t mean to have anyone just exist…but he meant fur us all to have a meaning and a purpose. I have to try to get my thoughts put in the proper place so I can put things down that really count! Now then, if my wife was the first to care and to really treat me like a human being with love and warmth and the like…the big question is, “How could I have treated this special being as I have?” My answer that I find coming is… After so many years of being made to feel like nothing…I guess I worked on being something so much more than nothing…that I found myself making the real somethings around me nothing in the haste that drove me to be something…The responsibility of taking care of the loves I had always had made me feel like, “Why should I care for what one day will discard me anyway?” I don’t know if that’s the case, but it sounds right…and coming from someone who loves those tremendous loves as I do, it certainly confuses me, too… My constant silence, I think, has been fear…of what my love would think of what I’ve done…fear of doing the wrong thing…and losing the respect I have always felt I got from her…to be placed in the position of being disrespected and disregarded again has always knotted up my insides so badly that silence seemed the only way to avoid the possibility of rejection…very often my hiding was part and parcel of that fear…The feeling of being nothing again, or being looked at with disdain, has, for as long as I can remember, been tearing me up inside…And those tears have come out looking like torment…Well, tormented I am, and have been, and pray one day soon I won’t know the feeling anymore… My wrapping myself up so completely in my work helped for a while, but the “ego” that came across was never there…I have none. But I work desperately at displaying “ego” to cover the real emptiness I know inside… As a director I have found infinite peace…because I am to so many…an authority, a man who knows, and not someone who is treated with “pity” or “charity”…That’s the biggest reason for the love of creativity I have, for a man is free when he is creating. Not just creating “funny” by way of the mask I wear, but by making others the puppets…and making them stand out front for a change…The feeling of “behind the camera” feels safe, and warm, and special, and certain…”Out front” has been very hard and trying for me…and for the first time in my life I think I can honestly admit…I hated doing it and I still do…The happiness that seemed to appear from standing “in one” was nothing more than getting a general acceptance from a lot of people who care at the moment….But “at the moment” isn’t enough for me anymore… I need all the care I can get all the time…and I only seem to be able to get that from my love, my wife… I don’t ever want to appear “indifferent” to my wife…but that appearance, too, I think is just hoping not to be a burden and an annoyance to her...I just can’t remember ever being anything but an annoyance…and when I’m told I’m not, I can’t seem to recognize that is possibly the case. I don’t like to hide and run…I want to be free to go and do as any other man does… I know I need help…but I really believe the help will come from within…as soon as I can place things in their right positions… Admitting to “hating performing” might help me adjust sooner…Admitting the love I have for writing and direction will, I’m sure, take me out of the depths of my depression…and will ultimately take me into the realm of peace and contentment. I want to talk more, I want to communicate more…I want
to say so much, and get help from her, I want so much to scream the things that tug away at my heart and my soul…And when I try, the hurt is so strong, and deep, and festered that I clam up, and the relief I want doesn’t come… Now to bury that grief…I find someone who has equally as much or more than I so that I can be the helping hand…For if I can help, then my hurts can’t be so bad…How much trouble can I have, if I’m listening to someone else’s? And for years I made that a practice…to give of myself only to forget I needed more giving than anyone… I don’t think I have always been aware of that fact…I really wanted to share and give and be charitable…but there’s that word again…charitable…I should have known better. For “charity” was the one thing that started my life wrong.. I wasn’t entitled to charity by those people when I was so very young…I was entitled to all the love and care all little lives should get…But how long did I have to wait to realize “charity” shouldn’t deal with the ones we love…They should only get the real “love” and nothing more…and give “charity” to strangers in need…Period! (And they should be picked carefully!) I’m trying to feel “God” in me and maybe with his help we can push out the torment…and place the “alive” of a being, back where it was taken from… With it all I am a very lucky man…to have found the real, right, and perfect human being to spend my years with. I want so much to do the right thing to keep her straight and happy and healthy… When she is ill, the reaction to it isn’t any different than when the spike is forced into the vampire’s heart…it’s the only emotional thing that can kill me, and that’s when she hurts…or when I’ve caused her pain…but my intentions are never to hurt her, never to do her a moment’s pain…Never to create a frown on her lovely face…Why those things happen are a complexity to us both…And I will serve myself from here on in as a student of care and concern and caution as to how she gets treated and how I allow much of my feelings to affect her… I can only answer “God” honestly, and he knows my worth and my intentions, I have no fear of his wrath…for I know he knows I’m basically good, and fine, and honorable when it comes to my love and my soul for her… I have no guilt about what I have done thru my blindness…I only have guilt for the things I might have avoided doing…If I had just put…”First things first.” I will try! And “God” knows my heart is talking, not the typewriter.”
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