#I thought oh it’s fine bc I’m working out everyday I’ll just tone it down to a few times a week when the new year starts
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I need to start working out again but… i am lazy
#i ussd to workout a bit compulsively… and then I was so depressed over Christmas that I just kinda stopped#I thought oh it’s fine bc I’m working out everyday I’ll just tone it down to a few times a week when the new year starts#…. now it’s April I think I’ve worked out 3 times since jan…..#I don’t know why I think have something not so right with my brain there’s no goal here with the exercise and I don’t enjoy it really#but I would be so fixated on it all I could think abt mah e my brain just needed that hit
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hellooo can i request smth w nishinoya please 🥺👉🏽👈🏽 so he meets y/n in the park bc shes tryna learn how to skateboard for the first time and he sees her fall and is like OMGKDKSKSK ARE U OKAY (she is, she was wearing knee pads and shit) anyways so they become friends and hang out and then start dating and NOBODY on the team believes noya bagged a cutie bc she’s super smart and studious but she’s lowkey so chaotic and loves trying new things (hence her new years resolution to learn to skateboard am i basing this off me you’ll never know) and she’s always dragging him out to new places in miyagi, maybe they even catch trains to tokyo and stuff omg ANYWAYS she goes to another school but noya and tanaka have exams soon and noya’s like “my gf is super smart!! and organized! she’ll help!!!) and they acc meet her there and she’s super friendly and cracks jokes so noya and tanaka are like “this will be a BREEZE” but she does NOT fuck around w school so she flips a switch like “how do you NOT have a schedule for your exams??? omg how do you keep organized??” tanaka and noya: “👀👁👁 we don’t,,,” and she won’t slack off w noya just bc they’re dating KFKSKSKS. bonus points if she has a notion account bc i’m obsessed w organizing everything in my life w mine, it’s acc an issue. ofc no pressure bc this is SUPER long, headcannons or drabble is all up to you babes!! ❤️
A/N: Omgggg yes! I freaking love Nishinoya, this is a cute request I’m loving it. I hope your skateboarding is going well and OH WOW I wish I could be as organised as you. Gifted anon.
>>>>——————————>
Meeting and Studying with Nishinoya Yū Headcanons:
• Resolutions. This was it, you were going to stick to this one. Hence why you warily balanced on a skateboard about to plummet to your doom - it'll be fine...
• Until your board went scuttling across the pavement leaving you in it's dust, with no intention of returning, much to your aggravation.
"WOAH ARE YOU OKAY?! ARE YOU HURT - THAT WAS A TRIP AND A HALF! A-" It was probably the loudest voice you'd heard, with a blonde tuff hovering over you in seconds.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, please calm down!"
• With an apologetical smile, the boy pulled you to your feet, introducing himself as Nishinoya Yū. A contrastingly shyer tone than that previously, including the heat rising on his features.
"Sorry, I saw you fly and panicked, then I actually saw you and..."
"And...?" You parroted, brushing yourself and kneepads off with a lazy smile.
"And I thought you seemed nice, can't have a nice person getting hurt, right?"
• Now you’ve actually met, you start noticing each other a lot more since he trains on the court near the skatepark. Nishinoya will offer a greeting or wave as he passes, not being brave enough to imitate conversation yet but you both work up to that.
• Eventually you meet up after you’ve finished skateboarding and Volleyball respectively, or assist the other in their independent practices once you grow comfortable. He’ll hold you to balance on the board, in return you throw balls for him to receive/dig.
• The sparks of romantic connection are there and soon your hangouts begin to mirror dates, just without the classification. You’ll do things outside of the park, like getting food or venturing to some cool place one of you had heard of.
• It's an adventure everyday with him, you were known to explore the streets of Miyagi - you'd found all of the skateparks, dropped into Ukais' store every so often much to his 'annoyance' and even got yourselves train passes.
• His team honestly do not believe him, even if the lovestruck grin he wears whenever he speaks of you is eerily convincing.
Asahi give him the benefit of the doubt, hence why he and Tanaka are the first to see a picture of you. Hinata also trusts in his Senpai, and Ukai begrudgingly confirms your existence having met you.
• Ōsaka? Been there. Yokohama? The dock has an amazing view. Tokyo? Some of the best Cafés in Japan. You could tell he had a sense of adventure, and you doubted Japan would keep him for long.
• It wasn't unusual for Nishinoya to come in with weird snacks or mementos for the team.
"Eh? Noya, where'd you get this?" Tanaka questions his bright friend, the item foreign of Miyagi garnering his attention.
"(Y/n) and I went to Tokyo the other day!"
"Without me?!" It seems you had a self-proclaimed Third Wheel™ on your hands now. You didn’t mind, his friends were pretty amazing.
• They first properly hear/met you when Karasuno are planning for exams, and Tanaka, Nishinoya, Kageyama and Hinata are the main concerns due their lack of academic prowess - Noya is a sparkling ray of sunshine though.
"We got this Ryuu! My partner is super smart, and can help us study!"
"Have I ever told you how glad I am that you met (Y/n)?"
• Nishinoya calls you in the midst of chaos, voice all too happy to hear yours with the echoes of Karasuno muttering greeting in the background.
"Hey gorgeous! Think you could help Tanaka and I study? I'll buy your favourite foods as a thank you!"
"Yeah, it'll be useful for me too."
"(Y/N)-CHAN SAID YES!"
An array of cheers swarmed the phone causing you to wince, it's not like you were getting married but clearly the grades of these two were a problem.
• Nevertheless, the pair rocked up to your house with more snacks than study material - a twitch of your eye sent to them in disbelief. It only gets worse when you set up and ask about their preparations.
• "You... you don't have an exam schedule?"
"Nope~" They're far to gleeful about it and it's setting you on edge, honestly your heart is spasming at how uncoordinated they are. With no worries about it.
"Then how do you stay organised?"
A moment of silence passes, the two noting the pensive shift in atmosphere and meet your unnerved gaze with blank stares.
"...We don't...?"
.
.
.
• The slam of your head hitting the desk made them jump, a pained groan escaping as you took a much needed deep breath. This is gonna be tough.
• Nishinoya is quick-thinking, so he innocently leans in to kiss you as a distraction and a reward once you get on with the study session. Only, you whip out of the way so fast, the boy nearly face-plants the floor.
"(Y-y/n)?! What the heck was that for?" He’s pouting at you, puppy eyes sent your way as he catches himself whilst you simply sigh.
"No kisses until we're done studying."
"None? Like at all?! How am I gonna survive?"
"HAHA you got rejected SO HARD!" Tanakas laughter echoes around the room, the Spikers hand slapping your table in amusement.
"I don't recall you finishing your page either Tanaka-san." An expectant brow is raised his direction, a quick awkward cough sputtering from him with Nishinoya issuing a subtle smug smirk.
"...no, I'm - uh, I'm doing it..."
• You’ve set them up Notion accounts to keep themselves in check whilst you’re not around because honestly, you lacked the trust they’d do it themselves. They’re grateful though, hence the array of snacks/flowers (and screenshots of their revision) you received.
• Boys ACE their exams and come bombing into you after school thanking you and praising your organisation skills like a shrine. Then Yū catches you off guard with an excited kiss to your lips.
"You owe me~"
Yeah he's kinda right, and how could you deny?
• The whole Volleyball team is apparently really proud. Daichi politely requests if you could help Hinata and Kageyama too - but Yū swoops in promising to spare them. Or keep you to himself. It’s undecided...
• Either way, he’s all too glad to treat you to a trip to Tokyo - having found this cool Cat Café or skatepark online, the choice is yours. It’s his personal way of saying thank you for just being you.
Of course, Tanaka saw one of the pictures you posted and proceeded to text.
[ Without me?! 😫]
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[ Masterlist ]
#nishinoya yuu#nishinoya yuu headcanons#nishinoya yuu x reader#nishinoya x reader#hq nishinoya#nishinoya yū#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu scenarios#haikyuu fluff#hq x reader#hq fluff#haikyuu headcanons#anime x reader#anime headcanons#haikyuu imagines
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𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader
changbin x reader | part three of dad!skz
↬ genre; fluff & angst for a lil bit woo
↬ warnings; talk of perinatal depression, cursing, n labor
↬ notes; changbin babi 🥺 ALSO ITS CHANGBIN DAY WOOO ITS MY BABYS BDAYYYYY SO I HAD TO POST THIS |
u two had just freshly started an official, public relationship
ofc changbin was freaking out while he was chilling in the bathtub behind the curtain so u could pee on the test already
u two were looking at the line coming in, praying that there would be only o n e 😳
slowly the other line comes in, dark blue n clear alongside the other one
“holy fuck—“
“what do we do?” you asked, your voice wavering while setting the test back down
his hands cupped your face, giving u a soft kiss n hugging you
“we got this, we’re having a baby, baby!” he started to joke and yall burst out laughing while crying in the bathroom
the first few months were amazing
ur lil bump sprouted out n u two were so happy about it
changbin is just so attentive and excited about this pregnancy and his first born
u really couldn’t have been better with ur lil family that was starting to become realer with each day
u two r such bullies yall r like
“what happened? ur a softie now binnie!!”
n he’d say shit like, “well at least i don’t pee every hour on the clock!!”
he makes u cry one time n u use that against him everytime u want something bc he feels guilty >:)
cute lil things like asking the baby what they want to eat or talking to it before the bed
(changbin reads the baby goodnight moon one time and ur just so in love like wow 🥺)
he secretly talks to the baby when you sleep every night because hes waiting for when ur little bean will reply back with a kick or a hand
he is W H I P P E D for u n ur baby bump
nursery is already done at five months
he needs all of the boys to come over though to help him figure out the instructions 😳 these are co nfusi ngg
they notice how smiley n giggly he is when he talks about u two and looking at the finished crib hes just so proud
yall r so happy and content with ur baby that was an accident, but u guys are so happy this happened
but something changes within u
changbin notices your lack of interest in the pregnancy during ur sixth month
ur sleeping pattern was off n u would sleep for hours during the day and night
u were very irritable, not wanting changbin to cuddle with u or kiss u like he did everytime he came back from practice :(
u were always unhappy and always so moody, he just wanted u to be happy 🥺
he is so confused and worried ab u, some days ur not eating or some days u don’t even wake up in the mornings like u used to
sometimes— just sometimes he’d come back home to find u in the same spot, asleep
he’s so fucking scared when ur around seven months that he can’t hold it in anymore
“are—are you okay?” he questions u from the doorway, making u stop to look at him in the mirror
ur eyes were cold, setting down the towel u were drying ur hair with and leaving him by himself while heading into ur bedroom
“don’t you dare fucking walk away from me.”
ur s h oo k
he was really nice during the pregnancy everyday, super bubbly and kind so u were shocked to hear his upset tone
“i can and i will, i’ll just go sleep in another fuckin room.” u mumbled, changbin grabbing ur hands and turning u around to face him
u struggle for a bit while ur arguing with him and telling him to let go so u could go to sleep
“stop! i am your boyfriend, i am the only one who is going to care for you like this. i am the only one who is dying, seeing you like this. do you understand? we’ve been through seven months of this together, it was fine for awhile and now you’re fucking turning me away?”
hes shouting at this point, hes just so pissed after three months of not having answers and your attitudes and arguments, he cannot handle it
u start crying
hes quick to hold you, pulling u down to the bed so u don’t have to stand on ur tired feet anymore
“i don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 🥺🥺🥺
he insists u two will find out n u both will get thru this rough patch together
perinatal depression, they diagnosed u
changbin is so upset when he hears the doctors tell u
everything is making sense to him and he’s just so heartbroken he didn’t put two and two together earlier
he takes time off for the time being to make sure ur taking care of urself
hes watching u like a hawk but trying not to make it evident
the first time u ask him for a kiss, he gives u dozens
he hadn't been asked for kisses in so long he was so relieved 🥺
he’s constantly telling u how beautiful u r and talking to ur bump about how they have the best genes and their uncles
this man is a father already it seems
he is ur #1 face mask partner cause he buys the cute ones only because u deserve the cute ones that r ur favorite ◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜
cooking together is something that happens, not often but every once in awhile he will let u do small things
cut up some lettuce? sure! pour in the soup broth? of course u can! taste test his food? always.
he wants to make sure ur comfortable with him touching u or kissing u or what hes saying
“i love you.” he’s mumbling, quickly placing a kiss against the fabric of one of his own shirts that was worn by u and fit u like a dress still
he then goes up to ur cheek n presses a kiss to it, ur hand cupping his jaw and letting him kiss ur lips >.<
also u guys let out a quiet talk of pregnancy to the public, letting jyp release a notice on changbin’s absence from live-streams and posts with the boys
u two received a lot of positive feedback which changbin let u read the positive ones n loved when u smiled at each one
u were overdue by a week which was the worst, ur back hurt and u had migraines
u also were put on bed-rest for the next week before u could be inducted
u guys waited out the week and u got scheduled for an induction
the labor was really slow which sucked because u just wanted to hold ur baby already :(
rly intimate moments like chan just holding u n rocking u like a baby
u guys are given this position to move the baby down, your knees on the ground so u could kneel against the bed and changbin would hold ur hips n rock them
he just feels so bad he can’t do anything to help u with the pain 🥺
yall kinda vibing with the hospital food (idk bout yall but some food from hospitals smack chile)
“i just want to go home.” :(
u bet ur ass he scoots into ur hospital bed, holding ur hands n u just cry into his shoulder
he feels like his heart is being torn to pieces when he listens to u cry out of pain
his free hands holds your jaw, making u look up at him
“we’re almost done baby, okay? i know it hurts, if i could i would take your pain in a heartbeat. you are incredibly strong and i’m so proud of you. you just need to hang in here for a few more hours, yeah? you think you can do that?”
u give him the weakest smile ever but its better than nothing
u reach 10cm!!!
now the part that wasn’t fun was the pushing :/
u were hurting, u were tired, and u had been promised almost seven times that all u need was one more push but no matter what, it seemed like the baby wasnt budging
“the cord is wrapped around the neck, we need you to stop pushing. okay?”
ur too tired and stopping the pushing sounded good so u did as they said but when they told u they needed to actually reach in and unwrap it ur blood ran cold
u both were worried about how much u could take
u screamed, god it hurt and it felt like hours of them twisting but it was a mere minute
the labor progressed n there it was
“a girl!”
u two are like faucets or waterfalls
shes literally the perfect mixture of u both 🥺
he washed her hair n helped wrap her up in a blanket, giving her over to u for the first time
u both were just in love with her, she was absolutely perfect
he’s obsessed with her, taking in that baby scent, the scent of the light baby shampoo and the bit of baby powder that lingered throughout her onesie
her hair wooooww its so soft n fluffy
her little baby pout and her puffy cheeks
i can see him calling her bunny for awhile as a childhood nickname
he’ll just be like
“oh that’s my bunny!!”
weird look from u but ur heart melts while he bounces her in his arms n gives her some kissies and running his fingers thru her hair
he’s also rly soft, i don’t see him singing but i see him definitely whispering to her about how she’s gonna grow up and have the best life because thats his little girl
“ur gonna have eight uncles, they are crazy but it’s okay. u definitely lucked out on fathers though, i’m pretty good at lullaby's. u did get great genes too, u have a handsome daddy and a gorgeous mommy. we worked really hard on making u, please don’t hurt ur cute little face. u also have a storm coming, there’s a thing called stays, they are gonna adore you, i promise.”
omgomgomgomg jejejejeje im blushing at the thought of this i just adore dad changbin
u guys may or may not be planning for another but it definitely would happen in a few years
©️ maysdiors 2020 :: all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.
#stray kids#stray kids scenarios#stray kids imagines#stray kids x reader#changbin#seo changbin#changbin x reader#skz x reader#pregnant!reader#stray kids fluff#stray kids angst#stray kids au#skz fluff#skz angst#skz au#dad!skz#dad!stray kids#bangchan#minho#lee know#hyunjin#jisung#han#han jisung#felix#felix yongbok lee#seungmin#i.n#jeongin x reader#jeongin
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How would the ikesen boys react to an mc who is blind but can take care of herself?
This took forever but I finally finished!
MC has been blind for a good chunk of her life. She adapted quickly though through her sense of hearing and echolocation along with vibrations, being able to detect walls, objects, and people around her. She got sucked into the wormhole and BAM! Sengoku era!
Nobunaga: She could smell and hear the fire around her and also..someone coughing? She followed the sound until she found the source, remembering the path she took so she can get out, and dragged Nobu’s butt out of the flames. “Do you know who I am?” “Well I can’t see you so nope.” When he realized that she was blind he was very impressed. “Men with all their senses in tact don’t have the bravery that you have. You are indeed a lucky charm.” He took her to Azuichi and told her that she could just laze around and have others take care of her if she wished, but mc is an independent woman that is able to do things herself so she immediately tells him to give her a job and she’d be able to accommodate to it. He admires her ambition and sets her to work. When she isn’t working he invites her to sit with him and chat bc he wants to get to know her as a person as well as how she’s able to adapt to the world without the sense of sight, intrigued with the clever methods to manage on her own. He feels inspired by her to create an education program for his citizens affected with physical limitations and how to help them live a fulfilling life while feeling capable just like mc.
Hideyoshi: His suspicion of mc decreased dramatically when he found out, as a matter of fact, she is blind. Suspicion immediately turned into concern and pity, making him really hesitant of Nobunaga letting mc do chores since she wanted to earn her keep. He was silently watching her with her rag and bucket, ready to step in the moment he sees her struggle. Instead, he sees her stepping around the perimeter of the outside hallway, mentally mapping out the length and width of the hall. Then, picking up the rag, cleaned the whole hall without a problem. Afterward, he approached her and told her about his concerns and worries of her struggling. She reassured him that she was able to live on her own for the most part where she came from, and as long as she made a mental map of the castle and heard when she was getting close to a wall or object, she would be just fine. He’d still insist on going to the market with her since it’s hard for anybody to navigate by hearing and mentally taking notes when there’s a huge market crowd. VERY protective and VERY mama hen Hide around mc to the point where she nags at him to give her space bc she doesn’t want him to worry about her as much as he does.
Mitsunari: Very helpful while also being very curious about how mc strategizes her everyday life. While giving a tour of the castle, he could tell she was taking her time while using her other senses to get a feel for each area. When he talked about her possibly having a helper maid to take her from place to place, mc answered “No need. I now know the area. I’ll ask somebody if I get lost but I’ve got a good mental map of the area.” “Very impressive, mc!” Mitsunari would beam. Mc can take care of herself better than he can, making that the staple point that the others drive into Mitsunari so he actually starts taking care of himself. They often brainstorm of ways to help mc do errands. Like with delivering scroll letters, cutting off a small little square at the bottom in a certain area so she can tell who is getting what letter and travel accordingly (ex: cut in left corner is Nobunaga’s letter. Cut in right corner is for Hideyoshi. Square cut in the middle on the bottom of the scroll is Ieyasu, etc.) Thinks mc is smarter and has a stronger willpower than anybody he’s ever met (besides his “friend” Ieyasu) bc of how she’s able to think and adapt to compensate for her lack of eyesight to survive and be capable and on equal footing as everyone else.
Masamune: He found out when trying to flirt with mc. “Hey I’ve had my eye on you this whole time, lass.” “Wish I could say the same. But that’s physically impossible.” “Ha! I see you have a sense of humor. I would have said I had my EYES on you but that would be only half true.” Both would probably joke about their eyes and brush it off as no big deal. Impressed that by her second day he saw her in the halls carrying supplies by herself, already aware of the area. “Masamune, is that you?” “Yeah it is! I’m impressed! Your senses must be very on point.” “That or the fact that you always smell like spices and walk kinda funny.”mc laughed. Likes how free and independent mc’s spirit is, admiring how she doesn’t let her disability stop her from doing what she wants to do, finding ways to adapt to things. Since boi really likes to write letters but would have to have someone else read it to her while he was away, she taught him braille. Giving him a guide with a scroll listing the indents/holes that indicate different characters, he was able to give her flirty messages while he was away and imagine her blushy face while she’s reading the letter herself.
Mitsuhide: Could tell almost right away that mc was blind. Would secretly be watching over her to see if she was having trouble. Every time he would walk up to her with a “Are you lost, little mouse? It must be hard for you.” in a condescending tone to tease her while also being slightly concerned. “No. I know I’m in the right hallway to go to the cleaning supply room. Just two more lefts then a right and about 10 paces to the left.” He actually was shocked for a second but felt like praising her for having a sharp mind. Tries sneaking up on her but she can always tell he’s near due to just sensing his presence and hearing just the slightest glide of his feet on the hallway, calling him out. Sees a bit of himself in her, being mentally prepared and alert of their senses to adapt and compensate for their shortcomings. When deciding to teach her because he wants her to survive and thrive in this cruel world, he realizes he’ll have to read everything to her and verbally quiz her. However, she introduced him to braille, intriguing him and inspiring him to use it as a new secret code language to send info. Also feels like it’s a special bond between them.
Ieyasu: Would be against mc doing chores or going around by herself because she’ll just be an inconvenience (not because he just doesn’t want her to get hurt I write sarcastically). Would make him stand up and follow her as she gives him a whole tour of the castle, remembering every hallway within one week. He’s glad that mc can’t see how embarrassed his face is that she’s better adapted than he thought. He’d still lowkey be like mama hideyoshi, silently watching her and trying to tell her that she should still be careful. He draws the line at her planning on going to the market on her own because things are constantly shifting and changing there and the noisy crowd might throw her off, leaving him no other choice but to escort mc. As thanks, mc would buy him something spicy, using her nose and advice from others to get him the gift. Normally mc is able to go through the day fine, but sometimes she’ll accidentally tumble, causing Ieyasu to lightly scold her while checking her bruises and letting her see Wasabi. She was SHOOK finding out that she was petting a cute lil deer since she could tell it was a smaller 4 legged animal with lil hooves but didn’t know that it was a baby fawn. Ieyasu would also give mc a walking stick to help her navigate better, especially in unfamiliar areas or areas with possible obstacles in the way.
Kenshin: Was at the bar minding his own business when he heard a cane tap a seat next to him. Mc sat next to him, ordering something to drink. “If you were to try to find a woman, how long would it take to find her in this bar?” she’d ask, hoping that she could get some free time away from an overbearing escort. “Depends on the target. Why? Did you start a fight? If so, can I get in on it?” “Oh nah. I want a break from being smothered with attention and feeling like I need help. If I can go to this specific bar blind then that should be proof that I don’t need helpers for short trips.” He was surprised a woman, much less a blind woman, was confident in her abilities to get from place to place while being sure of herself. Mc and Kenshin met quite a bit after that and the more he heard her complain about her work, the more he realized she was working for the Oda. Not trusting the Oda and not wanting her to face a horrible fate if someone overtakes the Oda first, he convinces her to move into his castle. She memorizes the area quickly and feels less crowded with warlords, but the closer she gets to Kenshin the more he is overbearing and protective over her safety. She gives him several demonstrations of her doing tasks by herself to convince him that it’s very low risk and that she enjoys feeling independent and capable. Although overprotective, he thinks she has the most determined spirit of anyone he’s ever met and will cut down anybody that makes her feel weak or helpless because she’s far from that in his eyes, even if he still worries about her.
Shingen: Shingen was well aware that almost all the women at the tea shop were swooning over him, all except mc, who was eating sweet buns and drinking tea in the corner while waiting for some of the warlords to come back from their long in-town meeting. He tried winking at her, but she just kept staring off and making no expression change. He decided to walk up to her, feeling curious. “Whoever smells like woodchips and cologne that is walking up to my table, please state your business.” Since he’s very intuitive, he’s able to realize mc is blind by now. He decided to have a normal conversation with her, learning how she’s able to stay strong and manage w/o sight. When he saw the other warlords coming back he bolted, but realized she was working for the “terrible” Nobunaga. Since in his mind he thinks the Oda are going to hurt/take advantage of her, he makes an elaborate plan to take her away. When she got to Kenshin and Shingen’s place, she was FUMING bc of being kidnapped. However, Shingen explained everything about how the Oda overtook his homeland and all the horrors he’s seen them do and how he wanted to save her from facing that same fate. Mc pretty much told him that it isn’t his choice to make that call but understands from his voice that he’s being sincere so she decides to stay for a while. He’s very impressed she knows the whole layout of the castle and can tell when he’s walking up to her because he has a “flirty saunter”. When she does feel a little down about being blind he helps her find silver linings like how she’s been able to be braver and determined to adapt, and how she is able to look at someone’s character and words instead of being thrown off by physical appearances. Although he is chivalrous and offers to help her with tough tasks, he will ROAST anybody that calls her weak or fragile because she’s the strongest, most resilient goddess in his eyes. Would make a beautiful wooden cane for her so she can look stylish while walking around outside.
Yukimura: When mc freaked out and ran away, running straight for the cliff, Yukimura caught her. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING RUNNING OFF A CLIFF LIKE A WILD BOAR? ARE YOU BLIND?” “Actually yeah.” Yuki went o_o before trying to scold her more for running aimlessly w/o knowing where she’s going until Sasuke swooped in, recognizing she’s the person from the present and offers they take her in. Yuki agrees, not wanting anybody to get hurt cuz he’s a caring boi. Since he didn’t want her to trip on anything and could tell she was exhausted and overwhelmed at the moment, he gave her a piggyback ride to the castle. When showing her around he keeps awkwardly asking if she needs help or assistance and gets more embarrassed when she says she can do most things on her own. “Of course I can feed myself. I have hands, dummy.” Is glad she’s capable of doing a lot on her own so he doesn’t have to keep worrying about her safety. Lowkey forgets she’s blind at times but is glad mc can laugh it off and says it makes her happy that she can go about life so normally that people don’t notice her blindness. When mc talked about seeing eye dogs being a thing, lowkey he’s thinking about making Muramasa a guide dog if mc ever wanted to go explore so he can guide her and pull her along. Also embarrassingly asks Shingen to teach him how to carve wood so he can make her a walking stick with their names carved on it and will blush like crazy when mc feels the names on it and tackles him in a hug.
Sasuke: Found her running in the woods the night she landed in the Sengoku era. Since she was overwhelmed and scared for her life, not knowing what the heck was going on, she was stumbling and tripped, making a branch snap loudly. Sasuke, who was nearby, used his ninja hearing and went to investigate. She could hear him approach and turned towards his direction. “I HAVE A WEAPON AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT” she threatened, gripping her walking stick while whipping out a pocket knife. He noticed the red band around the white stick, which was the noticeable sign of a blind person’s walking cane. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you.” “You sound like the guy from the temple before that big lightning strike. What the hell is going on?” He explained to her the current predicament and how they’re back in the Sengoku era. “I guess that explains why I teleported into a flaming building and just heard a bunch of warlord names and felt like I was in a historical reenactment.” Sasuke helps her go to Kenshin’s place, explaining to Kenshin her predicament and Kenshin agrees as long as Sasuke duels him every day for a month (RIP Sasuke). Is impressed how she’s able to remember how to get around the castle after just 2 days and makes Kenshin give her a job and proving that she’s plenty capable, earning Kenshin’s respect. He has faith that she is plenty independent and capable of living a decent life in the castle, but he still offers assistance in unfamiliar settings and will always come up with good ideas to help when mc asks for advice on how to get around certain tasks.
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Let me love you- MatsuHana
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Notes: I’d been sitting on this idea for a while bc I didn’t know how to attempt it but it’s here now :)
Pairing: Matsukawa & Hanamaki
WARNINGS: cursing, mentions of sex, tiny make out scene (its like 2 sentences though), toxic relationship
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Hanamaki was so deeply in love with Mattsun he couldn't help it, he truly couldn't he wished he could but when it came to things like this the universe was never on his side. He and Mattsun were technically in a relationship, but it wasn't the kind that he wanted, nor what he would typically go for. To put is simply they were fuck buddies. It had been like that since March of their 2nd year. After a full year of pining after each other they had finally gotten together if that's what you could even call the course of events.
Hanamaki had talked to Mattsun about how he wanted to be in an official relationship several times before, but it was always the same answer which was that he wasn't ready. Which wasn't entirely true. He wasn't ready for a relationship with him he didn't want a boyfriend- not that there was anything wrong with him having one he just didn't want one. Especially not Makki.
Makki didn't know about this. He thought that everything he was saying was true. So, he gave him time, and more time, and more time, and more time. He was more clueless than the new kid in a friend group who's been friends for years making an inside joke from 3 years ago.
His friends would always try and tell him to get out of the relationship. He was always being told that Mattsun was using him and that he was nothing but a good fuck or a way for Mattsun to get his dick wet, but he would always brush it off and give the same excuse that Mattsun would give him. "Oikawa it's fine he's just not ready for a relationship, stop worrying so much!" he would say as an attempt to calm the boy's thoughts and suspicions, but excuses like that can only work so much.
It would always be the same routine one of his friends (usually Oikawa) would tell him to leave the relationship, he would give the excuse, the words would get to his head, him and Mattsun would fuck, he would ask, and then get the same excuse he's been getting for almost 2 years now. "I'm sorry love I am, but I'm just... not ready for a relationship. I hope you can wait for me though because I really do want to be with you." Mattsun would say with those same sad yet amused eyes and that same pity filled face.
Hanamaki was walking down the halls of his high school heading towards the gym after grabbing his clothes for practice when he noticed Mattsun standing near the classroom door doing what looked like laughing and talking to someone, which he assumed was Iwaizumi. Oh, how wrong he was, he felt kind of- who was he kidding really dumb after seeing the boy of his dreams kiss his classmate. Her name was Yayoi she was the epitome of Mattsun's type short, brown hair that wasn't too long, blue eyes and perfect skin, an hour glass figure that most girls would die for.
He looked so happy with her he was basically glowing. "He never smiled like that with me" Hanamaki says tears threating to spill. Pulling himself together he blinked back his tears and walked down the hall after giving Mattsun a few minutes to say bye and start walking towards to the gym too. Noticing that he was going to be late he rushed towards the gym doors and ran into the locker room.
"Hey Makki where were you." Mattsun said grabbing the attention of a certain fluffy haired 6'0 captain. "Sorry my locker was jammed haha." Makki said awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. "Oh okay." Mattsun said going back to changing Hanamaki taking notice of the arrangement of hickeys going down his neck all the way down his body his eyes stopped at his first row of abs, he couldn't bring himself to look further down knowing that if his heart would probably beak even more than it already was.
"Alright come on we're already late coach is going to mad at us." Oikawa says grabbing his water bottle and heading out the door, dragging Iwaizumi and Hanamaki out with him. "What are you looking like that for Makki?" Oikawa says, "I'll tell you later- we're still going to your house after practice, right?" Makki said noticing Mattsun walking towards him and shifting as he becomes uncomfortable. "Yeah- Iwa-chan wants to come though- is that okay?" Oikawa said noticing Hanamakki's discomfort. "Yeah it's fine." the pinkish brown-haired boy said.
**Timeskip**
"Matsukawa can you go get the broom please." Iwaizumi yelled slightly. "So, can you tell me now?" Oikawa said to Hanamaki as they were walking out of the gym to fill up their water bottles. "Tell you what-", "From earlier Makki how did you forget already." Oikawa said his tone becoming slightly impatient and whiny. "Oh! Yeah uh it's not really anything big just Matsukawa doing the same shit he's been doing for months now." Makki said brushing off the event he saw take place.
"What do you mean like he rejected you again or something else." "No uhm I was walking to the gym and I saw him with a girl and... and they kind of... kissed." Makki said tilting his head up to try and stop the tears from falling down his face. "What do you mean they kissed?! I thought he told you he was gay!" Oikawa said his voice raising more and more as he spoke.
"Uhm yeah heh he did but I guess he just lied or something. Honestly, I could just be misunderstanding the situation... I didn't stay to watch the entire thing." The boy says trying to coax Oikawa into calming down. "Well are you going to talk to him about it?" Oikawa says a look of sympathy on his face taking notice to how sad his friend looked.
"No- I don't really have a reason to Oikawa. We're just fuck buddies it's not like we're together or I'm even in a kind of place to asking him about that." The boy said. "Makki you can't keep letting him walk all over you like this." Oikawa said his heart starting to feel heavy as he saw the tears threatening to slide down his friends' cheeks.
"Oikawa it's fine! I'm fine, he's fine, everything... is fine." He said the tears finally making their way down his cheeks despite his efforts to stop it from happening. "Well obviously it isn't fine if you're crying Hanamaki!" Oikawa said as anger started bubbling up inside him at the thought of someone hurting his friend.
"Hey what happened?" An all to familiar voice said from behind the crying boy. "Mm look what the cat dragged in..." Oikawa said giving Matsukawa a sour face. "Oikawa don't. I said it's fine." Hanamaki said as he tried to wipe his tears away in a way that the taller boy wouldn't notice.
"One second Makki come here. Now." The shorter boy said sounding like a mother scolding her child in a store. "What Oikawa.", "Okay one don't act like that I'm not the one who broke your heart. Two talk to him about what happened. And if he brushes you off again leave him." The skinnier boy said crossing his arms. "And if you don't do it then I will for you because this crying everyday bullshit you're doing is getting old. Now go!" he said pushing his friend towards the earlier left boy.
"Hey, sorry he dragged me away uhm did you still want me to come over or no." The darker pink haired boy said rubbing his arms in discomfort. "Yeah sure. I'm ready now so we can leave if your ready." The slightly tanned boy said. "Yeah I'm ready, and when we get to your house can we talk about something please."
**Timeskip**
Matsukawa and Hanamaki both enter the house as it finally dawns on Hanamaki that he has to do this, he needs to leave Matsukawa. Not because Oikawa said to do it or because Oikawa would do it for him but because he finally realized that it isn't healthy what they're doing especially for him.
He's constantly giving and giving to Matsukawa and he never gets anything in return other than a quick fuck and he's tired of it. He's given Mattsun chance after chance to give him what he wants and needs but he just won't do it. It's draining to give everything and get nothing back in return.
Walking into the tanned boy's room and sitting down on the bed putting his bag down next to his feet he takes a deep breath trying to mentally prepare himself for what's to come knowing that the other boy won't take it well.
Mattsun sitting down next to him and giving him a kiss Hanamaki immediately loosing control over his body and kissing back. "Mmm I missed you." Mattsun says turning his head to deepen the kiss not even giving Makki the chance to respond.
"Wait- wait we-... we can't. We need to talk first remember." The smaller boy said trying to compose his self and catch his breath. "Alright what did you want to talk about.", "Do... do you have girlfriend?" he said finally getting a hold of himself.
"What do you mean." The taller said before getting cut off by the other. "Stop it Matsukawa. You know what I mean do you need me to actually explain it to you?" the pink tinted haired boy said the frustration and anger finally starting to settle in after months of dealing with his behavior. "Well yeah I don't know what you're talking about."
"The girl! Matsukawa the fucking girl you were with her before practice before you even try it. You both kissed and maybe I'm misunderstanding the situation, but I don't think I am considering you smiled at her after you did it." Anger seeping into his words the more he spoke. "Why?" the later said rolling his eyes.
"What the fuck do you mean why? We're fucking practically everyday and you ask why I'm worried or caring when I see you kiss another person?! A girl at that!" Makki says his voice slightly cracking as tears threaten to fall down his cheeks once again. "That's all you're worried about really? No, me and her aren't dating Makki. Now come back on the bed I missed you." Matsukawa says trying to change the subject once again.
"No, Mattsun it isn't just that. It's everything-you." Makki said the brunettes smirk faltering as he feels his heart drop. "What do you mean me.", "I mean you Mattsun! It's you, I can't even fathom-... look I don't want to argue with you because I still want to be your friend, but I refuse to let myself continue to be toyed with by you." Makki said grabbing his bag not really wanting to be in his room much less his home any longer.
"How have I been toying with you Makki?" Hanamaki face going sour looking at the boy with disgust. "How have you been... maybe lets start with the fact that we've been doing this... what ever this is since last year and it's become basically a routine at this point for me to ask you out and tell you I want to be with you and you tell me you aren't ready for a relationship! You're toying with me and I'm over it I'm leaving if you're going to continue to try and fuck me then lose my number."
Makki finally walking out of the door his head held high as tears stream down his face. Biting his down on his bottom lip to stop the sobs from making its way past his lips. Speed walking down the road and turning the corner to his house as he quietly wept to himself.
Entering his house and taking off his clothes as soon as he got in his room heading straight for the shower. Turning on his playlist after texting Oikawa that he did it, turning on the do not disturb for the rest of the night.
Taking time to himself the entire night doing a face mask and whitening his teeth while he finished remaining homework. Finally laying down and coming to the realization that he would never get Matsukawa the way he wanted and felt he needed. Crying for a few hours before falling asleep for the night wishing the boy would let him love him the way he wanted. His worries all going away in that moment waiting to sneak up on him the next morning.
#noyas.works#haikyuu!!#haikyuu ships#haikyuu angst#hanamaki takahiro#takahiro hanamaki#matsukawa issei#issei matsukawa#hanamaki x matsukawa#matsukawa x hanamaki#matsuhana#hanamatsu
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tutoring & loving
genre: enemies to lovers!AU, tutor!reader, popular boy!eunwoo, high school!AU, JEALOUSYYYYYYYY, flooooooof!!! angst but it’s okay because angst is wonderful, basically most of my favorite AU’s combined in one
warnings: jealous eunwoo and this AU is much more in depth than the others ones
words: 2.8k
note: this is an old draft that has been sitting in my notes so i thought i would post!! enjoy and I HOPE EUNWOO IS CASTED FOR TRUE BEAUTY!!!
as one of the top students in class, all of your teachers absolutely ADORE YOU
school is pretty smooth for you: you study well, pass tests, socialize with friends....... except for one little threat that makes your life so much more difficult...
Cha Eunwoo.
not only is he one of the most popular boys in your grade, but unfortunately he’s also your seat partner for English and he’s the most annoying person you have ever met
you haven’t given him a reason to disrespect you!! ... okay maybe sometimes when you see him and his group of friends being loud in the hallways you shoot an icy glare....... ok and MAYBE you roll your eyes everytime he says smth dumb in the middle of class
but other than that??? completely innocent you are. but this man doesn’t seem to agree, as he seems to have made his life goal to ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
foe ex. you would be peacefully paying attention in class when suddenly you feel something kick your foot
and when you look up, you see eunwoo “paying attention” to the board and feigning innocence
but you immediately know that he’s just trying to aggravate you because when has this man ever actually paid attention in class??
so you go back to listening when you feel ANOTHER kick and you’re like BITCHoh hell no so you kick him back bc we’re not all perfect human beings let’s be honest
and now y’all are kicking each other back and forth, and everyone can hear the desks shuffling underneath them
he also makes snarky marks constantly when you literally just breathed???
like you would sit down at your seat and he’d be like “Congrats, you’ve somehow managed to choose the ugliest outfit in the world to wear today”
and you respond, “It’s about time i have a turn, you’re wearing the ugliest outfit everyday” and then you just glare at each other until the teacher tells you two to snap out of it
on some days eunwoo will just flat out point out one of your flaws like if your hair is messy or if there’s a stain on your shirt
so one day your English teacher asks to see you after class and you’re like Oh he’s just gonna offer me extra credit ... but instead of doing that he asks right off the bat, “i have another student that needs tutoring, are you willing to take one more?”
for the past month, you’ve already been tutoring a few students your teacher recommends to you. it’s easy money, especially since you’re saving up for college
only this time, you can tell he’s desperate because he’s like “Please (y/n) he’s failing in English and misbehaving in class you’re my only hope!!”
and now you’re like Hawld on..... Why Is He Being So Desperate About This.... like you’re cool with tutoring..... what makes this-
the realization strikes across your face.
who in this school would you would hate teaching??? who is failing in English??? WHO IS THE BANE OF YOUR EXISTENCE. look to: c. e. w.
“ofdjoaaja i’ll give you gummy bears or something” he pleads. and honestly, if you were not so broke, you would’ve spat on his feet and walked out the door. but you need the cash, and you sure do like gummy bears.......
you gracefully relinquish, and your teacher gives you a proud smile. he then goes on to tell you that his mom requested extra help smh why couldn’t she have just hired a tutor i hate rich people.. anyways so yeah pls Help me
so the next day @ school you approach your seat and you see eunwoo sitting on his desk, talking to his friends until he notices you.. and he’s about to open his mouth to probs criticize your untied shoelaces but you interrupt him and are like:
“eunwoo i’m privately tutoring you starting today. Meet at the library after school.”
and he’s just sitting there, jaw dropping to the floor and you’re like :) He’s finally quiet for once...
but little did you know that during class he’d be pestering you with complaints like:“why you??? is there anyone else that can do it???” “i don’t need tutoring.. i’m getting consistent D’s... not a singular F and it ain’t much but it’s honest work”
at a certain point, you get so sick of his complaints and go like “your mom asked for you to be tutored!!! OK i didn’t just ask to tutor you, you dumbfuck.”
and once you mention his mom he just kinda shuts up... and stares at his desk for the rest of the period
ou notice this and recall the teacher telling you that eunwoo’s mom is a tiger mom... you keep this in mind because now you know that making his mom proud might be his motivation
after school, you wait at the library for him inside.. but a couple minutes pass and you’re like ? did he forget ? .
and eventually an hour passes and you’re like nope he’s definitely ditching
and honestly,,, you feel a little betrayed and a little hurt ... but just when you’re about to leave you see him panting and making his way to your table nd you’re like ???????and eunwoo’s like “im so sorry i forgot...”
and you’re like oh? so you didn’t ditch?
and he’s like No!! i just ... forgot.
and you’re like well you little shit don’t forget next time i’ve been sitting here for an hour..but then he reaches something from his pocket and hands it to you and it’s a triangle sushi (it’s super crumbled too...)
and he’s like “i got this to make it up” and you’re like flustered and just weirdly but pleasantly surprised he feels this bad about almost flaking
but you catch yourself slipping and go back to your annoyed tone: “uh-What the fuck are you on?? I-Wh-I’m not hungry. T-thanks tho.”
the first tutoring session is... awful to say the least.
he couldn’t pay attention well and continuously complained and even tried to go off topic
like you’d be asking him what foreshadowing meant and then he’d be like “so.. where’s your family from (y/n)?” 33r*#$&(@$
after an hour of no progress you get frustrated and shut the textbook, about to call it a day
but just when you stand up eunwoo grabs your wrist
and he’s like “where do you think you’re going?” you scoff and reply with “why do you care? it’s not like you want to be tutored right? well i don’t want to tutor anymore”
when you try to budge, you feel his hand still firmly gripping onto your wrist and you’re like “let go of me” until you realize he’s staring at you dead in the eyes
and in a quiet voice he sadly says “please don’t give up on me... i’m trying my best.”
it looks like he’s about to tear up and that’s when you realize that you need to be patient for him... and need to help him because he’s trying to make his mom proud.
when you sit down again, he gets a bit startled that you gave in so easily but regardless, a relieved smile spreads across his face.
instead of going back to teaching, you conclude that you two should “break the ice” first so tutoring wouldn’t be you two just glaring at eachother
“breaking the ice” turns into a two hour conversation about random things or anything that comes into mind.
eunwoo is really good at conversing and he’s good at filling in the awkward pauses and bringing up new topics!!
next thing you know the librarian is trying to shoo you guys outside since the library already closed fodjsoakal
when you get back home, there’s a stupid smile on your face and you’re like SHIT why am i smiling? why can’t i stop smiling???? get yourself together youRe just helping him you still think he’s annoying!!! ..but he has a breathtaking laugh... NO he’s still that annoying guy i hate
the rest of the tutoring sessions aren’t as bad at you thought.. eunwoo is actually pretty smart he just has the attention span of a toddler honestly.
you could be trying to read him an excerpt from The Great Gatsby and when it’s his turn to read.. it’s absolutely silent and when you look up like ???
you see him staring at you and you’re like “eunwoo.. it’s ur turn” and he’d be snapped out of his trance and be like OH! and ask you where you left off
and inside you’d be like.. was he.. staring at me?? (he actually was. you just looked so pretty reading out loud with such emotion)
after a couple of more classes with him, he starts immensely improving in class. he doesn’t really bother you anymore, but he stills throws some playful remarks at times.
tutoring sessions seem to be effective, and you learn that he actually has a really.. really great personality
one day, you’re approaching your seat in English and are about to roast eunwoo as your daily routine when you almost bump into somebody
but thank god you have great reflexes so you managed to stop yourself... and when you look up you see a handsome face and you’re like. Oh.and he’s like smiling sheepishly and is like “sorry! i’m clumsy hehe” and you’re like Oh.. he’s cute
you smile back and insist it’s fine.. and now you’re both still standing there smiling at eachother because he’s like eye candy
he manages to introduce himself as Moonbin and you’re like I’m (y/n)!! and then his face transforms into recognition and he’s like “oh! you’re eunwoo’s tutor aren’t you?”
and you’re like “Oh?? yeah how’d you know?”and he’s like “Ah.. i’m good friends with him. i heard your tutoring sessions are really helpful though. you’re super smart”
and on the outside you’re like :3 m-Me????!??! <3
what you actually say: ah, thank you.
then he’s like “do you mind if you tutor me too?? i’m kind of struggling in English as well” and you’re like “oh sure!” it’s raining money girl
the bell starts ringing and he waves goodbye
you go to your seat with a wide smile, and when you sit down, you don’t notice that eunwoo is glaring at you
so when you look at him with a smile on your face, he gets even more glary.
you quickly wipe the smile off and are like “oh it’s you.”
but instead of insulting you back he’s like “why were you talking to Moobin?” and youre ???? “why CAN’T i talk to Moonbin? he was asking me to tutor him.”
when he hears that, he clenches his fists under the desk and is like.. “did you accept his offer?”
and you’re confusedly like “yes.. why would i reject him?”
not one to handle complicated feelings well, eunwoo just stands up, his chair loudly screeching against the floor.
he wants to tell you that he doesn’t want Moonbin to watch you read lines from poetry so dramatically, smile whenever he makes a joke, text him reminders to study before he goes to sleep.
but when you’re looking at him with such bewilderment in your beautiful eyes, your facial features frozen as you wait for his next move, he feels disgusting for having these feelings towards you. you’d probably be happier with Moonbin, who doesn’t have these nasty problems you’d be burdened with.
but before you can even properly react, he’s leaving the classroom and you look around, grateful that nobody was watching.
and you don’t know how it happens.. but your feet control themselves and now you’re running after him, not caring about class starting already
and as you’re sprinting, so many scattered thoughts run through your mind. eunwoo.. jealous? does he like you? and even though you thought you were interested in eunwoo... there’s something about eunwoo you can’t let go about.and there’s no way you’re going to lose him.
so when you finally catch up to him you grab him by the arm and turn him around so he’s facing you... you hug him tightly.
and the crawling feeling that’s been stirring in eunwoo’s stomach suddenly dissipates
and bc you know that nothing will be the same after this, why don’t you just end it off strong? so you confess
you quietly tell him that you’re new to this... relationships have always been a new territory for you. liking somebody is new for you. “please don’t run off and let go of me either... i’m trying my best, too”
and he wants to push you off of him, tell you what’s best for you, and go back to being the annoying shit he once was. but your hug feels so nice and.. well.. maybe eunwoo can be selfish once in a while.
falling in love with eunwoo is a gradual but addictive progress. when people describe falling in love, they would describe it as fireworks... exciting but risky. you would pretty much say the same but.. it’s so much more than just that.
it’s feeling tingly and funny when he randomly holds your hand or shows affection. it’s feeling enormously upset when you’re not around him or when you see him talking to somebody attractive. it’s feeling empty when he cuddles you because you want this to last forever, but you’re scared because you know it won’t.
you tell him this as you two are nestled on his couch, blankets jumbled across and TV playing some cooking show neither of you care about
he laughs and kisses your forehead which makes you feel that stupid tingly feeling again.
“are you confessing that you’re in love with me (y/n)?” before you can try to smack him, he says “i love you too.”and with that.. you quietly respond “i love you...”
and it feels so refreshing voicing that out loud.
eunwoo as a boyfriend would be the most blood rushing and adrenaline pumping feeling there is. he’s filled with so much energy that it’s never not fun around him
he would sneak you into carnivals, and take you on the ferris wheel where you two would probably makeout in the passenger car scksksoao
he’d also try to win you prizes at the arcade but.. he’s just so bad at playing it and either A) you end up playing and winning him a prize or B) he bribes the arcade owner to give him the prize
lots of PDA. lotssss of them.
sitting next to eunwoo in English is a struggle now.. he’s always distracting you from the teacher.
like you’d be taking notes but then you’d feel his head on your shoulder and now he’s straight up cuddling you in class
eunwoo always encourages you to have more fun
“you’re always locked up in your room, studying.”
thus, he likes to knock on your door and enter the house with your parents’ delightful approval (because your parents love him. so much.) and go in your room and shower you with kisses while telling you that it’s time to stop studying because you’ve been reading the same chapter over and over again
your texts to each other would be littered with emojis that don’t even relate to the message. like you’d text “i stopped studying. are you proud of me 💃👒🐟🥐”and he’d reply with “of course my sunshine 🍣🎧🔑”
you still tutor him but your tutor sessions are a lot more longer now since they take place at either of your houses instead of the library LMAO.
+ after tutoring him, you two would just cuddle and raid your fridges
when you meet moonbin again, eunwoo gets a little jealous again since he thinks that moonbin has a chance of snatching you
but after kissing him and assuring him that you’ll never be “snatched”, he feels so relieved
eunwoo relishes all of the affection you give him. and he always gives you twice as much :’)
one day the same English teacher asks to see you after class and you’re like “is there something you need?”and he’s like “.... ok so tell me how y’all went from kicking eachother to cuddling together in class 🤔🤔”
and you’re like “.. BYE I THINK I HEARD SOMEBODY CALLING ME”
the doors were closed... nobody heard anything...
when you ask eunwoo why he hated you so much in the beginning, he tells you that he was just jealous of you. jealous of how flawless you did in academics and how you’re such a bright student + your glares were “extremely unnecessary”
he also tells you that his older brother is already a doctor and has been so successful in everything so his mom always pressures him and compares them
and you’re like weaving your fingers together while telling him “don’t compare yourself. he is him and you are you.”
and you pause.. and say “and i love you this way. i’m proud of you”
and eunwoo just immediately breaks down right there because nobody ever tells him that.. nobody is ever proud of him
falling in love with one of your enemies was definitely one of the best things that’s ever happened to you :)
#astro#cha eunwoo#eunwoo scenarios#eunwoo fluff#eunwoo angst#eunwoo fanfiction#eunwoo fanfics#eunwoo aus#eunwoo au#kpop#lee dongmin#tutor!au#enemies to lovers!au#bulleted#bullet
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That Wasn’t In A Plan, Was It?
When Dan and Phil are set to be partners in school project things start to happen. They slowly itch closer but will their past let them stay together? Written with the awesome @jocollins , enjoy!
A/N: yh so this slipped my mind entirely but thanks to jen for posting it and sorry for mistakes bc i haven’t had time to proof-read and it’s too long to do so now but i’ll post anyway :)
It was that time of the year again, the time when everyone was put in groups to do some projects. It was their school’s rule to have a one week long group project about random things they choose for pupils to do.
It was something like in Hogwarts, they were all sitting in the big hall, waiting to be called to see how they would be sorted.
There was 90% of them who loved this, loved to work with new people and work in groups.
But then there was the remaining 10% who couldn’t stand to be put in groups to work together with someone.
And guess what, Dan was in that 10%, he just couldn’t stand working in group projects.
Of course, Phil was also a part of that small 10%, he really didn’t see the point in group projects, especially when it was always a gamble to see whether or not you actually got along with the other students.
He was sat at the back, watching as everyone got put into pairs or trios or groups of four - their school loved to be awkward about every last detail - and keeping an eye out for people he knew.
This time around, his name was called near the end, and he hadn’t heard of his partner, someone called Daniel, so he didn’t really know where to go, awkwardly standing up and looking around.
Dan wasn’t paying attention to the sorting thing going on, he was slumped in the furthest away, darker corner, headphones in, listening to random music playing, scratching any remaining, this time sea blue, nail polish off his nails.
Phil didn’t even see him at first. It was only when someone right beside Dan loudly called his name to get his attention that Phil turned around, spotting the brunette in the corner, slowly making his way over.
Dan looked up only when Phil stopped in front of him, with his big, dark brown eyes that seemed so deep that you could get lost in them in a matter of seconds.
Phil ended up hesitating because of almost getting lost in Dan’s eyes but he managed to offer Dan a small wave. - Hi, I’m Phil… -
- Why? - Dan just asked, taking his earphones out.
Phil blanched slightly, confused. - Um, we’re partners for the project? -
- Oh, great, - Dan said sarcastically, looking back down at his nails.
Phil’s stomach sank a little, he’d hoped to be paired with someone who he could at least get along with. Just his luck.
- So I’m guessing you’re more interested in your nails than getting this done? - Phil muttered, forgetting about being polite.
- Oh, the sassy queen has arrived. What a pleasure! - Dan glared at Phil.
- I wish I was a queen, - Phil replied without thinking, - then I wouldn’t have to put up with this. -
- Then go and be one! - Dan snapped back, standing up.
Phil was used to being much taller than his friends so it was almost to see that Dan was a similar height to him, if not taller.
He shook his head, realising this was a bad way to start their week. - Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it, I know neither of us chose to do this, but can we at least try? - he asked, smiling again.
- I won’t go to your house, I won’t meet anyone in your family, or your friends. I will do my own stuff and you will do yours. Understand? - Dan asked in a strict tone, no joy in his voice.
Despite the smile fading from Phil’s face, he nodded, sighing. - Yeah, yeah, sounds good. How about we go and find out what our project is so we can get this over with? - he asked, already turning to walk to the teacher who had their task.
- I already know it, no need to waste our time. Let’s go and get over it. - Dan crossed his arms over his chest.
Phil turned back, surprised. - How do you already know? - he asked incredulously.
- Because. Are you coming or what? - Dan already turned around, walking out of the full hall of loud pupils.
He might usually have argued but Phil was more than happy to get out of there so he followed Dan wordlessly as they walked through the corridors.
Dan didn’t stop at the exit of school, simply continuing to walk to the forest behind their school.
- Uh, Dan? - Phil called, pausing, not really wanting to risk getting lost or something so soon.
- What? - Dan didn’t even turn around, simply continuing to walk, already almost inside the forest.
Phil sighed again, knowing Dan wasn’t going to stop now and just giving in, almost running to catch up, preferring to be with someone else if they really were going to do this.
- Never mind, - he muttered once he’d caught up.
- We won’t get lost, I walk here every day to get home faster. - Dan answered as if he had heard Phil’s thoughts.
- To get home? - Phil echoed, then blinked in shock, asking: - Are we going to your place? -
- Yes. - Dan put his hands in his jacket pockets.
- Oh, okay, - Phil replied, tightening his grip on his bag, already wondering what Dan’s room would look like.
- Well, you will see it. And why the hell are you wondering how my room look like? Are you some perv or something? - Dan stopped, turning around, causing Phil to bump into him and realize that he had said it aloud.
As most people would after such a realisation, Phil went bright red, looking down at the leaves under his shoes, shaking his head. - Sorry! I’m not a perv, I promise, I just- I think you can tell a lot about a person from their room so… - he mumbled.
- True. - Dan shrugged, turning around to keep walking.
The forest was almost over, soft sun starting to break through the branches but then, to Phil surprise, there was no road or simple meadow but an old cemetery and it seemed like that was casual for Dan because he went straight in.
Just like before, Phil paused, not wanting to go in, never having really liked cemeteries.
- Wait, Dan, where are you going? - he asked, hesitating at the gate, biting his lip as he waited for Dan to explain or something.
- Shortest way home. - Dan turned to look at Phil.
- Are you sure? - Phil asked, quieter this time.
- I walk here every day, so yes, I am sure. Now stop being a pussy and come on. - Dan sighed.
Phil gritted his teeth, frustrated. - Well, I’m sorry if we aren’t all used to choosing wayward routes home, - he muttered, but took a breath and just followed, walking quickly and looking at Dan’s shoes instead of their surroundings.
- Oh, so you would rather choose a four-hour walk home? - Dan snapped back but kept walking.
Phil didn’t look up but he raised his eyebrows anyway, waiting a moment before shrugging. - Maybe not… - he admitted.
Dan smirked, not saying anything more.
It took them a while to walk to the other end of the cemetery and, by the time they had, Phil never wanted to enter one again. He turned to Dan, finally looking at him again. - So, which way now? -
- Right ahead. Over the river. - Dan stretched his arms a bit, making his jacket scrunch up and reveal a beautiful sneak peek of abs.
Simply glad to be out of the cemetery, Phil walked a few steps before frowning, looking around. - Am I missing something? - he asked, - Is there meant to be a bridge somewhere? -
- No. - Dan snorted, walking to the tree that was laid over the river, simply walking over it without any problems.
Phil shook his head immediately. - I can’t do that, I’ll fall in… - he said, simply watching the waves under them.
- Oh, c’mon. I am tired and want to get home, so just man up and come. - Dan stretched his hand out for Phil.
But Phil was still reluctant, glancing between the river and Dan’s hand. - Maybe we can just work on this another time? - he mumbled.
- And you will walk back through the cemetery all alone now? Because I ain’t going back now. - Dan still held his hand out for Phil.
Phil groaned, hating the idea of that too. After a moment of awkwardly shifting, he just sighed, stepping forward slowly and taking Dan’s hand, gripping it tightly.
Dan just pulled him over, making Phil fall against Dan’s chest.
Phil yelped, not having expected the sudden movement, and forgot where he was, grabbing Dan reflexively, not letting go as he let his heart slow down.
Dan simply held him in his arms for a moment before steadying him and starting to walk again.
Right through a couple of trees was a casual looking house, Dan walked straight in just for them to be met with a man scowling.
- No fucking in my house! - he snapped at Dan.
- Oh, shut up! Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I’m gonna fuck everyone who comes into our house with a dick between their legs! - Dan snapped back, grabbing Phil’s arm and pulling him up the stairs, into a small dark room, shutting the door behind them.
Phil was still processing the fact that he hadn’t fallen into the river so he didn’t say anything at first, simply watching Dan dump his bag on the floor, then simply standing there, a little bewildered.
- Are you okay? - Phil asked eventually, then added: - Thank you for before. -
- So let’s just write each a separate part and then just talk out the review. - Dan simply said in a monotone voice, turning to his desk.
- That sounds good? - Phil frowned anyway, not sure if pushing Dan about anything was the best idea. - But, uh, what are we writing about? -
- Sexual assault’s impact on everyday lives. - Dan turned on his pc, taking off his jacket.
Phil nodded, then, looking around, simply sat on the floor, pulling out his phone so he could look anything up if he needed to.
- You can sit in the bed, I’m not sick. - Dan kicked off his shoes, turning on music and plopping down onto the bed.
- It’s fine, the floor’s okay, - Phil replied, shrugging his bag off and pulling out a notebook.
- Come here, so we can talk quietly. - Dan stretched out over the bed but left enough space for Phil next to him.
Phil hesitated but then just nodded quickly, perching on the bed, one of his legs hanging off. - Should we whisper? - he whispered.
- Something like that, my stepdad hates me and he can’t stand me staying alone in my room with anyone who has a dick after he found out that I’m into them. So he probably is standing behind the door and listening to see if we don’t start fucking any minute. - Dan murmured so casually as if he was talking about the weather.
Phil nodded again, going slightly red, fiddling with a pen, drawing random shapes. - Uh, I’m sorry about that, I’ll try not to get you into trouble, - he said sincerely.
Dan rolled over to his side, letting their legs brush together, looking up at Phil.
- I don’t give a fuck what he thinks. I could fuck you right now, against that door, just to annoy the shit out of him, - Dan murmured, slowly pushing himself up till there were only couple inches left between their faces, looking deep into Phil’s eyes.
Phil looked back into Dan’s eyes, lost in the way they looked like chocolate and honey and forests at the same time. - Um, I don’t think- - he trailed off, shaking his head. - I mean, what? We can’t…? -
Dan burst out laughing, falling back down onto the bed, joy actually sparkling in his eyes for a second.
Shocked yet again, Phil just shook his head, not sure if he was amused or just confused. He frowned slightly. - Well, I’m glad one of us got some joy out of that… - he said, but, this time, he meant it in a good way.
- Well, if you so want to, we can actually fuck. I don’t mind. You seem cool. - Dan shrugged.
Phil choked on air, finally looking away from Dan and taking a deep breath. - We just met though, - he mumbled.
- But you want it, don’t you? - Dan sat back up, leaning close to Phil, whispering in his ear, putting one of his hands on Phil’s knee.
There was a part of Phil that wanted to just say yes, to see where things would go because Dan was so unlike anyone else, but he shook his head, shuffling back a little, forgetting that he was sat on the edge of a bed and toppling onto the floor with a yelp.
And just somehow, probably because Dan was leaning against Phil so much, Dan ended up falling down, right on top of Phil, with a silent gasp, his eyes widening in surprise.
Having closed them when he’d fallen, Phil opened his eyes, gasping when he saw how close Dan was, but not moving in case they fell further, if that was possible. - Um, hi? - Phil smiled.
- Hi? - Dan mumbled back, still shocked.
Now Phil laughed. - You know, you’re pretty cute when you’re flustered… -
- Oh, you wish! - Dan growled, already getting up, accidentally pushing their hips together, cursing under his breath.
- I thought you said you preferred to do this by the door? - Phil smirked, finally getting his composure back.
- Sure. - Dan smirked, pulling Phil up and slamming him against the door, pressing their bodies together.
It took Phil a second to recover but he just raised an eyebrow, propping himself up with one foot so he didn’t fall. - Smooth, - he whispered, staring at Dan’s eyes again.
Dan opened his mouth to say something but no words came out, he was getting too lost in Phil’s eyes.
- See something you like? - Phil whispered, simply gazing back because he didn’t know what else to do, didn’t know what else he wanted to do.
- Yes… - Dan murmured, getting fully lost. - I am so not used to being with someone my age... - without even filtering, Dan breathed out, not realizing what he had just said out loud.
Phil tilted his head to one side, finally remembering to blink as well, then softly asked: - Who are you usually with, then? -
- Does it really matter? - Dan asked, sounding genuinely sad.
- Of course, - Phil replied warmly, - everything about you matters. -
- Why? You don’t even know me. - Dan sighed.
- Not yet, - Phil argued, - and I don’t think my opinion will change, to be honest. You’re Dan, who walks over fallen trees and has really warm eyes, and you already matter, so… -
- I have heard enough of warm lies, so why would I believe you? - Dan asked in full honesty.
- I don’t have any reason to lie to you, - Phil replied without missing a beat, meaning it.
- Okay… If you really want to know then they usually are someone a lot older, like our project teacher. - Dan looked away, taking a step back, sounding so heartbreakingly hurt and lost.
Phil stepped forward too, his frown softening to an expression of both sympathy and concern. - Oh, Dan… I’m sorry, - he said eventually, not really having the right words.
- Oh, shut up. It doesn’t matter. - Dan shook his head, stepping back again, all emotions gone.
Phil hummed. - Well, it does, but we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, - he settled with after a second, smiling.
- Talking about it won’t change anything! - Dan crawled back into his bed. - So, about what do you want to start? -
- It might if you talk to the right people, - Phil said, but joined Dan on the bed again, picking up the notebook from where it had fallen. - and I don’t mind, depends on which part you want to do. -
- Has it ever happened to you? - Dan turned to look at Phil.
Shrugging, Phil met Dan’s gaze and replied: - Not directly… but an old friend of mine… -
- Oh, then you have seen what it does to a person. - Dan took a deep breath.
- Yeah, - Phil sighed, waiting in case Dan wanted to say anything more.
- Are you still friends with them? - Dan asked, starting to scratch off his already half scratched nail polish.
- Well, I try to keep in touch but they moved away so… - Phil shrugged, not sure how else to explain it.
- Then you shouldn’t even try to be friends with me. - Dan was looking only at his nails, his face emotionless.
Phil watched Dan for a second but shook his head. - I’ll keep trying even if you move away too, - he announced firmly.
- You can’t say that, you don’t even know what actually happened to me or who I actually am. What if I’m some sex-hyped serial killer? - Dan looked up at Phil.
- Well, I’ve never met a sex-hyped serial killer who has muse posters in their room so I’ll take a bet and say you aren’t… - Phil smiled, only half joking.
- Do you know why he gave me this subject? - Dan slowly sat up.
Sitting up straighter himself, Phil shook his head for what must have been the tenth time already. - No… - he mumbled.
- Because I have gone through it. I know how it feels, I know how you feel after, how people start to look at you. - Dan looked straight into Phil’s eyes.
- I’m sorry, - Phil murmured, but didn’t look away from Dan, just offering him a soft smile. - But, unless you want me to, I don’t think I’ll look at you any differently… -
- Don’t you think that I’m disgusting? All used over and over again? - Dan moved a bit closer to Phil, not breaking eye contact, not even blinking.
- No, - Phil replied immediately, his eyebrows furrowing, leaning a little closer to Dan without thinking about it, - I think you’re kind and brave and very sarcastic, but nowhere near disgusting. -
- Do you really? - Dan was now hovering over Phil.
Phil nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact still. - Like I said, I don’t have any reason to lie to you. -
- Maybe you are just afraid that I’m gonna punch you. Or rape since I know how to do it correctly so others wouldn’t hear? - Dan hissed.
Phil flinched but didn’t move away, just raised an eyebrow. - Not really, unless you think I should be? - he asked.
- No one should. No one. - Dan breathed out, his voice strong but breaking at the same time.
Phil expression became serious again. - Can I hug you? - he asked suddenly, for some reason filled with the urge to try and help, to protect Dan.
- Why? - Dan looked like he was pushed off the track, for a moment looking all broken and vulnerable.
- I don’t know, you seem like you might need one… - Phil finally blinked, clearing his throat, - but it’s fine, I’m sorry if that was rude of me. -
Dan opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, swallowing roughly before letting himself drop down into Phil’s lap and slowly, as if unsure, leaned against Phil in a weird hug, simply holding his arms to his sides.
Phil froze for a moment but, now sure that was okay with the contact, gently put his arms around Dan, pulling him into a more comfortable position, just keeping ahold of him in case he wanted to let go.
Dan closed his eyes, sighing softly before breathing in Phil’s scent, nudging his face against his neck, slowly wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist.
At that, Phil tightened his grip slightly, pulling Dan a little closer, letting his own eyes close at the feeling of comfortable warmth radiating from Dan, wishing they could be able to just stay in a moment like this for days.
- You smell nice… - Dan murmured against Phil’s neck almost without a sound.
Phil went slightly pink but laughed a little. - Why, what do I smell like? - he asked, confused.
- Safety… - Dan mumbled, letting his whole body relax.
Phil didn’t say anything more, he wasn’t sure what to, he just held on to Dan as if this was what he’d been born to do.
Dan sat there without even moving, simply holding onto Phil.
It was only when Phil felt one of his legs go numb that he opened his eyes again, sighing. - Dan? - he mumbled softly. - You okay? -
Dan didn’t answer, his face still pressed against Phil.
- Or we can just stay here, - Phil continued, smiling slightly, - but I’ll definitely fall over if we ever get up, just be warned… -
Dan just softly pushed Phil, making him slide down on the bed, Dan still wrapped around him and on top of him, all so calm and soft.
It took Phil a second to shift into a more comfortable position but then he just tightened his grip once more, rarely having felt so content around another person. - Thank you, - he mumbled gratefully.
Dan just sighed softly, not really wanting to move but still slowly pushing himself back up, keeping his head down, not letting Phil see his red eyes, getting off Phil and walking to stare out of the window.
After a second, Phil stood up hesitantly, clasping his fingers together so he didn’t fiddle with them. - What happened? - he asked quietly, worry in his voice; they’d been pretty comfortable with no obvious reason to split apart.
- It was a mistake. You shouldn’t get close to me, - Dan spat back in an already coldly harsh tone.
- Is that really what you want? - Phil asked, keeping his tone neutral.
- For fuck's sake, Philip! It’s what’s better! - Dan snapped in sudden anger, clenching his hands into fists.
Phil shook his head, walking forward so he was beside Dan. - Better for who? - he asked, still quiet.
- You and everyone! - Dan growled.
Frowning, Phil replied: - I can decide what’s better for me, you just need to choose for yourself and then tell me. -
- I already fucking told you that it was a mistake and you or anyone else shouldn’t get close to me. End of conversation, - Dan growled, still not looking at Phil.
Phil sighed but nodded slightly. - Fine, if that’s what you want, we can just focus on the project. If you change your mind, well, I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon… -
- You are annoying. - Dan turned around, getting back into the bed.
- Thanks! - Phil grinned, then looked around. - Do you see my notebook anywhere? -
- No. Just sit down. - Dan shifted to the side to make more room for Phil to sit back down next to him.
With another unsuccessful glance around, Phil sat down, settling for a second before looking to Dan. - So, what’s the plan? -
- Just writing down the plan of what we will include in our work, then actually doing it, - Dan murmured, already calm, focusing on the pc in his lap.
- Wait, are we hand-writing this or typing it up? - Phil asked, wishing he’d asked someone this stuff before leaving.
- Hand-writing. - Dan slid down further into the pillows, looking already tired.
- You can rest, if you like, and I’ll get started for now, you can join me later? - Phil offered, not wanting Dan to push himself.
- I’m alright. - Dan cleared his throat. - So, let's get this started. -
Dan cracked his fingers before starting to brainstorm what they should and shouldn’t write. After a couple of hours, without even noticing, he was fully leaning against Phil, pointing to the screen, sounding a bit annoyed and sleepy but it just seemed that Dan’s body was seeking the warmth of Phil’s body, making Dan press himself even closer to Phil to get closer to the screen he was still pointing at.
And Phil didn’t mind giving him that warmth, simply shuffling closer without noticing, taking over the majority of the talking, letting Dan relax slightly. Only when they were both slipping down so far that they were almost lying down did Phil stop, putting the pc to one side. - I think we need to take a break, - he murmured.
- Nah… - Dan turned his head to the side, trailing off after noticing how close their faces actually were, feeling Phil’s breath on his lips.
Phil sent him a soft smile. - It’s fine, we got enough done anyway, - he said, his gaze running over the curls in Dan’s hair.
- When did we got so pushed together? - Dan asked, furrowing his eyebrows at Phil.
- When you refused to take a break earlier and carried on working hard, - Phil replied, shrugging.
- And why are you kissing me? - Dan leaned closer.
Phil blinked. - Good question… -
Dan just pulled Phil closer, smashing their lips together.
It wasn’t a particularly long kiss but it was long enough for Phil to confirm his decision of sticking with Dan and his peculiar softness.
Dan just let his head drop on Phil’s shoulder, too worn out from all the talking about the heavy subject they had and closing his eyes.
- Just 5 minutes and then we can continue working, - he murmured.
- Sure, - Phil whispered, already knowing he had no plans of waking Dan up until he woke up naturally.
Dan fell asleep right away, snuggling up closer to Phil, ending up napping for almost an hour, only waking up because of Phil’s phone starting to buzz.
Phil stumbled through several apologies without paying attention to what he was saying, eventually finding his phone after it had stopped buzzing, and glancing back to Dan. - Uh, probably should have made sure that didn’t happen, you can go back to sleep if you want? -
- What time is it? - Dan looked so damn confused, sitting up and looking around in little panic. - Uh, nearly half six, why? - Phil asked, steadying Dan so he didn’t topple over.
- Damn it, Phil, I told you 5 minutes, not almost an hour. - Dan growled, pulling his hair a bit.
Phil grabbed his hands without thinking. - Don’t do that! What’s wrong, have we missed something? -
Dan just looked down at Phil’s hand holding his, then looking back up with something weird glossing in his eyes.
- Sorry, - Phil mumbled, loosening his grip on Dan’s hands but not entirely letting go yet, trying to figure out what the look in Dan’s eyes was.
- I could have punched you, - Dan breathed out.
Phil looked back at Dan, shocked. - But you didn’t, - he said simply, smiling.
- But I could have. And why are you now smiling so big? - Dan furrowed his eyebrows, cocking his head to the side.
- Because, - Phil replied happily, - my face is very much un-punched. -
- Do you want me to change that? - Dan asked, leaning a bit closer to Phil, stretching out taller.
Frowning, Phil shook his head. - Not unless that will help you with something... ? - he still smiled afterwards anyway, not entirely sure why.
- Why are you still smiling so big? Aren’t you afraid that I will punch you or push you off the bed? - Dan scrunched his nose a bit.
Phil just smiled even more at that, committing the image of Dan scrunching his nose up to memory because of how cute it looked. - Nah, I already fell off earlier, can’t get much worse than that, - he said after a moment.
- True. - Dan sighed as if giving up and leaning back against pillows as if he had lost all interest in Phil.
Unfortunately, Phil had still been holding Dan’s hands so he ended up tilting forward, throwing his arms out on either side of Dan to avoid falling on him.
- That was unexpected, so now you want to fuck me or something? - Dan simply looked up at Phil, letting one of his arms be trapped next to his head under Phil’s hand.
Phil recoiled instantly, pushing himself back up and going slightly red. - No, - he said quietly, already feeling bad.
- Your weight feels different on top of me, - Dan mumbled.
- I don’t know what that means… - Phil admitted, shuffling so there was a slight gap between them.
- I mean when someone is on top of you, you can feel their weight and yours felt different. - Dan sat up and pushed Phil down, climbing on top of him, lowering himself so he would rest his whole body on his arms on each side of Phil’s head. - Like this… -
Phil held his breath, nodding without thinking, now hyper-aware of Dan’s warmth above him, fixing his gaze on Dan’s eyes. - Okay… Um, thank you? - he mumbled, finding it a bit difficult to think properly.
- I just explained in the way you would understand, - Dan mumbled so close to Phil’s lips that Phil could feel the words brushing against them.
- That was very kind of you, - Phil said, shivering slightly, then asked: - Is this comfortable for you? -
- Yes, isn’t it for you? - Dan shifted his body a bit, relaxing his legs more, which lead to their hips pushing together even more.
Phil took a second to compose himself before shrugging as best as he could. - Yeah, I guess it is, more comfortable than I’d have thought… -
- With the right person, it should feel like that. - Dan looked deep into Phil’s eyes.
- I guess you’re the right person, then. - Phil offered Dan another smile, a smaller, more genuine one.
- Not even close… Wait, - Dan shifted a bit. - Are you hard? -
Phil finally looked away from Dan, shaking his head. - No, maybe… I- Sorry… - he mumbled, stumbling over his words.
- Oh my, I thought that you were past the horny teenage phase, guess I was wrong. - Dan laughed, sitting up and getting off Phil, standing fully up, running a hand through his hair a bit too strong and roughly.
Phil sat up then, clearing his throat awkwardly. - Sorry, I’m not used to being so close to other people, - he explained, but then shrugged. - And I guess I’m just another typical teenager… -
- I guess. And you literally watched me sleeping for almost an hour. Have you thought that you are a perv? - Dan asked, turning to look at Phil, now a bit more relaxed again and joking lightly.
Phil made a face, putting his hands on his hips. - Excuse you, you’re the one that fell asleep on me! - he grinned, simply glad that Dan wasn’t too annoyed.
- Not my fault that you gave me so much emotional exhaustion that I fell asleep, - Dan snapped back with some shadow of a smile over his lips.
Not having a good reply to that, Phil just crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out, leaning back a bit, trying his best not to laugh.
Dan was first one to break out laughing, making Phil join him, filling the room with joy but soon they were disturbed by a loud, harsh knock on the door.
- Time for your fucktoy to go, dinner is ready. - Said some girl’s voice behind the door, not recognisable but really familiar to Phil for some unknown reason.
Dan didn’t answer anything, simply sighing, all joy lost.
Phil could almost see how Dan’s walls curled back up, his face going emotionless like the best poker player.
Knowing it was pointless to try anything else, Phil just jumped up and gathered his things, slinging his bag on one shoulder and then gently nudging Dan. - Hey, um, to be continued, right? - he asked, smiling almost sadly.
- Continue what exactly? Your horniness or our project? - Dan asked crossing his hands over his chest, distant smirk on his lips.
With some weird confidence, Phil winked. - Whichever one you like, - he whispered.
- You heard, no fucking in this house. Well, at least no gay fucking. But see you later, I guess. - Dan opened his bedroom door for Phil, leading him down to the front door, opening them too. - The bus stop is down the road but it will be more simple to just call a cab. -
- Thanks, - Phil said, - I’ll probably wait for a bus. - Then, before he could change his mind, he asked: - Can I hug you? As a goodbye? -
Dan looked a bit startled at first before shrugging a bit, stepping outside so Phil could hug him.
Slowly, Phil stepped closer and then just threw his arms around Dan, making sure not to crush him in any way but still pulling him close, hoping they’d meet again soon.
At first Dan just stood there a bit confused and tense but then slowly wrapped his arms around Phil.
Phil smiled, oddly happy from such a small thing. - Thank you, - he said softly, then, after a moment, pulled back. - So, uh, see you next time? -
- Yeah… Bye. - Dan stepped back a bit awkwardly, pushing his hands into his jeans pockets.
Phil waved at Dan, not caring that it might have seemed a bit childish, then laughed a bit. - Wait, which way was the bus stop? -
Dan laughed, shaking his head, closing the door behind his back and starting to lead Phil down the road to the bus stop.
- You didn’t have to come… - Phil said, but he definitely wasn’t complaining.
- Don’t want to be blamed for a murder. - Dan simply answered, sitting down at the bus stop to wait for the bus together with Phil.
Phil’s eyes widened. - What? - he asked, suddenly wondering where exactly he was that there was a risk of murder.
Dan started laughing by simply seeing Phil’s face.
- Oh, calm down, I’m joking. This is a safe neighbourhood. And here is the next bus. See you in school, I guess. - Dan still had a half smile on his lips.
Phil sighed with relief, then mock-glared at Dan. - Thanks for that panic… -
As the bus stopped next to them, Phil stood up and waved again. - See you in school! -
Dan just watched Phil get into the bus, after that offering a small smile to him before walking away.
The next day Dan didn’t show up in school.
Phil didn’t even know what to do, he didn’t have Dan’s number and he wasn’t sure if appearing at Dan’s house unannounced would actually do any good.
- What are you thinking about? - Lynsy, Phil’s kind of best friend, sat down next to Phil.
Phil blinked, staring at her in confusion before shaking his head. - Uh, nothing… -
- Yeah, whatever. So who is he? - She picked a fry from Phil’s plate.
- He? - Phil asked, not caring about the fry, double the amount of confusion in his head now.
- Well, you kinda said it yourself that you are interested in dicks, so I guess it is he. Am I wrong? - She looked up at Phil, batting her fake lashes.
For a moment, Phil just stared at her, then nodded very slightly. - I guess…. but that’s not what I’m thinking about, I’m just worried about him. -
- Why? - She kept stealing Phil’s food.
- Because. What else am I meant to do when he’s not in school even though he was okay yesterday? - Phil asked, finally paying attention to what she was doing. - And quit stealing my food! -
- Oi, oi. So you finally got a boyfriend then? - She leaned back in the chair, flipping her hair.
Phil shook his head, now having realised he was trying to figure out something about her voice, he just couldn’t place it. - I don’t think so? -
- But you were together last night. Did you two fuck? - She stole one fry from Phil’s plate again.
At that, Phil stiffened, suddenly thrown back to last night, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at her. - You were there? - he asked, shock in his voice.
- I was where? - She asked in confusion.
Phil opened his mouth to reply but changed his mind, taking a deep breath. - Does the name ‘Dan’ mean anything to you? - he asked slowly.
- No? Should it? - She stole another fry while Phil wasn’t looking.
But Phil frowned, almost sure about this. - Yeah, I think it should… I’m pretty sure it was you there yesterday, - he said, mostly to himself.
- What the hell are you talking about? I was where? - She now sounded a bit annoyed.
After taking the fry she’d just stolen out of her hand, Phil properly looked at her. - You were at Dan’s house, yesterday, when I went there, - he said firmly.
- Who is Dan? - She leaned back in her chair again, crossing her arms over her chest.
How was Phil meant to explain that? Surely she’d know Dan from him being around school, right? Conflicted, Phil just tilted his head. - He’s the one I’m working with for the project and you must be blind not to have seen him before. -
- Last name? - She sighed.
He had to think about it for a second. - Howell. -
- If you will tell this to anyone, I will slice your neck open with my freshly manicured nails. - She leaned closer to Phil. - He is kinda my step brother. -
- Whaa… ? - Phil trailed off, both a little scared and completely thrown off, eventually just sighing and letting his head fall on the table. - Are you serious? -
- Yes, I am serious. I wish I wasn’t but I am. - She sighed again.
Unsure of what else to do, Phil just laughed, looking back at Lynsy with a slight smirk as if he wasn’t completely shocked. - You threw me out of the house! - he raised an eyebrow jokingly.
- I didn’t know that it was you. We kinda don’t get along. He is like a slut, so yeah. - She flipped her hair once again.
Phil scowled at her. - No, he’s not! - he argued, - He’s amazing, and I don’t know why you’re insulting him. -
- I am living with him in one house. I have known him for longer than you. So, yes, he is a slut. Call him a fuckaboy if you like. - She tried to take another fry from Phil.
But this time, Phil took the plate away and stood up, still glaring at her. - That’s not fair on him at all and I’m not going to sit and listen to you insult him. -
- Hey, I’m your best friend! C’moon! Okay, I won’t say a thing about him. And by the way, he stayed home today, was out late last night and then got yelled at by my father. If you want you can go and do your project with him. But remember what I told you. I have seen things and I have heard convos he has had with his mother and my father. - Lynsy stood up too.
Phil was torn between forgiving her and ignoring her completely. Instead of either of those things, he just sighed, putting the plate down. - I’ll remember but I’m going to make my own judgements. Thanks for letting me know, I guess. I’ll see you later… - he ended the conversation by walking away, he wasn’t really sure where he was going, just away from Lynsy.
Not even a second later Phil got a text from her with a phone number in it.
- Dan’s. Just don’t say that I gave it to you. He hates to give his number to almost anymore at all. L. -
Phil sent a quick ‘thank you’ back, not sure he wanted to say anything that could result in a conversation, then added Dan’s number to his phone, debating whether or not to text him.
After some debating, he convinced himself that their work would come out better if they actually made it together. Without a second's hesitation, the phone was in his hand, ready to text Dan.
Just as he was about to text ‘hi’, someone crashed into him, making him stumble and press random keys because of the shock, ending up sending a jumble of letters to Dan.
- Who is this and what the fuck? - Dan answered within seconds.
- Sorry! - Phil texted, then realised that wasn't much better, adding: - This is Phil, I was just going to ask how you're doing? -
- How did you get this number? -
Phil frowned, not wanting to give Lynsy away but also not wanting to lie and ruin things.
- Well, I have my ways… -
- Fine. What do you want? -
- To ask if you're okay, and why you're not in school? -
- I’m okay. -
Phil paused, knowing that wasn't really an answer but also guessing Dan wouldn't tell him if he kept asking.
- Are you up for working on the project? -
- Sure. -
- Will you give me directions later, then? Don't think I remember the way - Phil stopped, realising he'd started walking without thinking.
- Later? Just come right away. Go to the bus stop left from school and take bus 21 -
- I can't, I have another lesson… will there be another bus in an hour? -
- Yeah. -
Phil sighed in relief, walking to his next lesson with a small smile on his face.
- See you in a bit! - He sent just before the teacher walked in.
Dan didn’t answer anymore, not disturbing Phil in his lesson. The lesson itself was kinda interesting so the 40 minutes flew away without notice.
As soon as it was over, Phil texted Dan again: - Guess who's on their way? -
- Pizza? - Dan yet again answered right away as if he had waited for Phil’s text.
Phil actually laughed out loud. - Did you want me to get pizza? -
- That was a joke but if you want then go on, can’t decline a good pizza. -
Making a quick decision, Phil went back into their school, knowing their canteen would still be open, and quickly got two mini pizzas for them, then heading backing to the bus stop.
- Consider it done! -
- Then get your ass here. I’m hungry. -
- I don't control the bus! -
Right then, the right bus stopped in front of Phil.
He stared at it in shock, then just shrugged and quickly got on, the driver saying nothing, sitting by the window.
- Which stop is it? -
- 10th -
- What am I meant to do for ten stops? So long.. -
- It will take only like 12 mins so calm down your tits, drama queen. -
It took all of Phil's resolve not to laugh, shaking his head instead.
- The pizza might be cold by then :( -
- Then keep it warm. I’m waiting. -
- How??? -
- By not missing the right bus stop. -
- Alright, genius! - Phil looked up as they hit a bump, waiting until they settled before returning to his phone, keeping the pizza close as if he could heat it up himself.
Right there came the right stop.
Shocked for the second time and half wondering if Dan had some kind of magic, Phil murmured a ‘thank you’ to the driver before getting off, then frowning as he looked around to see numerous trees and no paths.
- Do I have to walk into the forest or? -
- You really don’t remember how you got to the bus stop yesterday? Seriously? -
- It was either left or right to your place but I don't remember which… Are you really gonna make me stand out here or tell me where to go? -
Dan didn’t answer anything. But just a minute later Phil could see Dan coming down the street, dressed all in black with a hood on.
Phil beamed, pocketing his phone and running to meet Dan, stopping just in front of him. - Hi! Can I hug you? - he asked quickly.
- Not the best idea. - Dan murmured, sounding exhausted, looking up to reveal his split lip and a black eye.
Phil winced, nodding slowly. - I'm sorry. We can just go back so you can have the pizza? It's still warm… -
- But you can hug me if you want. - Dan let his arms drop by his sides.
Phil smiled warmly, putting the pizza boxes on the ground and quickly wrapping his arms around Dan, pulling him close but being careful not to grip too tightly in case he was hurt anywhere else.
Dan winced anyway, taking in a sharp breath but still slowly wrapping his arms around Phil.
- I'm sorry, - Phil murmured, not fully letting go but loosening his grip.
- It’s okay. Let’s go inside, I’m getting cold and I would love to sit down, my ribs are hurting. - Dan breathed out.
Phil pulled back, grabbing the boxes and hesitantly taking Dan's hand, looking up at him as if silently asking if that was okay.
Dan looked down at their hands, with the same weird look in his eyes as yesterday when Phil unexpectedly took Dan’s arm.
Not really knowing what that meant, Phil let his hand slip out Dan's again, looking at the road. - Uh, sorry, I didn't mean to… - he just trailed off, waiting to see if Dan was going to say anything.
Dan just put his hands in his hoodie pockets and kept on walking without saying a word, letting Phil in the house.
- No one else is home so we have some alone time. - He added before shutting the door behind Phil.
Phil nodded, smiling warmly and placing his bag on the floor with a soft thud. - We can eat the pizza you made me get, then! -
- Sure. - Dan just kept walking up the stairs, holding an arm over his ribs.
Phil frowned at him, waiting until they were at the top before asking: - Hey, are you sure you’re okay? -
- No. - Dan groaned, slowly sitting down on his bed.
- Should I call someone? Do you need to get checked? - Phil asked worriedly, staying stood up in case he did have to get help.
- Calm down, drama queen. - Dan breathed out, now more evenly, keeping his eyes closed, well, the bruised eye was already half closed even when he tried to keep it open.
- What else do you expect me to do? - Phil asked, sitting beside him, now convinced Dan wouldn’t just collapse.
- Phillip, could you just please give me that damn pizza? - Dan slowly opened his eyes and half glared at Phil.
Rolling his eyes, Phil handed Dan the two boxes, not minding if Dan chose to eat both. - You’re quite demanding, you know? - he teased.
- Am I? - Dan asked, opening the boxes and looking over pizzas there, then choosing the left one and starting to eat it.
- Nah, not really, - Phil answered, sighing. He then realised he’d left his bag, with his notebook inside, downstairs. - I’ll be right back, - he said to Dan.
Dan just furrowed his brows but said nothing, continuing to eat.
It didn’t take Phil long to get back, dumping his bag by the bed, waiting until had eaten his pizza before clearing his throat. - Uh, so, what happened? I mean… how did you get hurt? -
- You could say that someone got pretty jealous of me spending last night’s evening with you alone in my room and kissing you. - Dan said, slowly lying down, one hand thrown over his chest.
Phil’s face fell, both horrified and guilty. - I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have- Should I even be here then, if it’s only going to get you hurt? -
Dan looked at Phil and started laughing, soon scrunching up his nose in pain, stopping right away, coughing a couple of times.
- Are you serious right now? - He cleared his throat again.
Phil just nodded. - Of course. Why would I be joking about this? - he asked quietly.
- Yesterday you made me think that you actually wanted my company. Guess that I was just a fool. - Dan sat up, all light mood gone.
- What? - Phil frowned at him, but not angrily, just with confusion. - I do want your company, that won’t just change, but I don’t want you to… Well, look like you do now just because of me. -
- I don’t care about him! He can go fuck himself! - Dan stood up in sudden anger, his hands in fists.
- Careful! - Phil stood too, one hand near Dan’s shoulders since he didn’t seem fully steady. - Who is it that found out anyway? -
- Who, who! The one that gave us the fucking project! - Dan growled.
Phil didn’t really know what to say, slowly putting an arm around Dan. - I’m sorry, Dan, - he mumbled.
With one swift motion, Dan slammed Phil against the wall, one hand in a firm grip around his throat, eyes burning.
- Don’t you fucking touch me. - He hissed.
Phil blinked, gasping. - Sorry, - he croaked, his hands pushing Dan’s away to try and get a breath.
Dan blinked as if waking up, confusion and some unrecognisable emotions taking over his face, slowly letting his arms drop by his sides, murmuring a silent “sorry” before stepping fully away from Phil with head hung low.
- Hey, it’s okay, it was my fault… - Phil whispered, shuffling awkardly. - So I’m sorry. -
- It will be better for you, if you will go away and never see me again, - Dan said in a quiet voice, with his back turned to Phil, trying to push all his emotions down.
- I don’t want to, - Phil said, then coughed pointedly, - But I can if that’s what you want? -
- Just go fucking away. Leave like every else. Just go. - All of a sudden Dan sounded so damn tired like he hadn’t got any rest for years.
But Phil just sat down, crossing his legs, looking up at Dan. - I’d rather stay, to be honest. - he smiled softly.
- You are so damn weird… - Dan murmured more to himself than for Phil to hear but still turned around and sit down next to Phil, slowly sliding deeper into the pillows.
Phil grinned, nodding. - Yeah, I am. You look like you need a year of sleep or something, - he commented.
- Oh thank you, princess, - Dan snapped back, rolling his eyes, which ended up with him scrunching up his nose in pain.
Phil shrugged. - What? I’m not wrong. Why didn’t you sleep in the day? -
- Do you always ask so many questions? - Dan sighed, leaning even more into the pillows.
- Because your answers are always so mysterious, - Phil replied, trying not to laugh at how Dan looked like he was being swallowed by the pillows.
- You look like you want to take away my pillows. - Dan commented, looking deep into Phil’s eyes.
- Well, they look like they want to take you away so it’s only fair I look at them the same way, right? - Phil wasn’t even fully sure what he was saying, simply staring at Dan.
- Then come. - Dan simply murmured, not breaking the eye contact with Phil.
- Come where? - Phil asked, finally remembering how to blink.
- Taste the pillows… - Dan mumbled, reaching up and softly pulling Phil down on top of him, not caring about bruised ribs anymore.
Phil froze at first, panicking, but, when Dan didn’t seem to be in too much pain or push him away, he relaxed, shifting so his full weight wasn’t on Dan and sighing gratefully. - Thank you, - he mumbled.
Dan didn’t say anything, simply looking down at Phil, slowly wrapping his hand into Phil’s hair, starting to play with it.
Immediately, Phil was a little calmer, relaxing a bit more, focusing only on Dan’s hand, letting the silence wash over them for a while.
- What are you doing to me? - Dan breathed out almost with no sound at all.
- Am I meant to answer that? - Phil asked quietly, still not moving.
- Maybe… I’ve been wondering it for a while now… - Dan murmured, softly pulling Phil even a bit closer, letting his head rest against his neck, softly playing with his hair.
Phil’s eyes shut without him meaning them to, but he frowned a little. - What do you mean? - he asked, letting his gaze run over Dan’s hoodie sleeve since he didn’t want to move.
- With you I just can’t be the rough bad boy who don’t give a flying shit… It’s weird… And scary… - Dan breathed out a bit sharper.
Phil hummed, thinking for a second. - I don’t think you really are that kind of person, not really. - he commented, then shifted a bit. - Wait, are you okay? Am I hurting you? -
- I’m hurting myself… - Dan tightened his grip a bit around Phil, not really allowing him to get up. - Do you really think that I am not that slutty dark boy? -
Phil put his arm around Dan, hugging him as gently as he could. - Of course, I don’t think you’re that kind of person. You’re so much better than that, - he whispered sincerely.
- But I’m fucking our teacher. Doesn’t it make you sick? - Dan asked, sincerely confused and yet curious.
- It makes me wish you had better, and it makes me hate our teacher, but it’s not you that makes me sick… - Phil replied honestly.
- You know, I probably will get punished for holding you like this and being so open with you. He is jealous of you. - Dan let out in some unsaid emotions in his voice.
- What? How will he know? - Phil asked, immediately moving to try and sit back, hating the idea of Dan getting in trouble again, when he was still injured.
Dan growled in pain by Phil trying to sit up and accidently putting more weight on Dan’s bruised ribs.
- Let’s say that he keeps me in control. - Dan said throught gritted teeth.
Phil mumbled an apology without thinking, settling back next to Dan, now worried. - What? How? So you’re not safe here then? -
- Do you always act like such a drama queen? - Dan rolled his eyes.
- You seem to bring out that part of me, - Phil grumbled, but he wasn’t really grumpy, just unsure of how to explain it.
- Can’t you just kiss me and forget about it? It’s not like he’s my boyfriend or something. - Dan groaned trying to shift into a more comfortable position.
- Foget about you? Impossible. - Phil glanced at Dan, concerned.
- Not me, him and all that shit. - Dan groaned, trying to lie down on his side but ending up with his scrunched up nose in pain and a small gasp for breath.
Phil sat them both up, then pushed one of the pillows behind Dan, frowning. - No, I can’t forget that, you can’t even lie down properly, that’s not easily forgotten… -
- He’s a fucking teacher, you can’t do anything about it. - Dan growled with slight anger.
- Maybe we could? - Phil argued, then sighed. - But first, do you have painkillers that you can take anywhere? -
- Yes, one right in front of me. - Dan snapped back, sounding a bit tired already.
Phil raised an eyebrow, a small smile on his face nonetheless. - Daaan, we both know I can’t help that much, if that’s what you meant. Do you have any? - he asked again.
- You could finally kiss me. - Dan avoided the question, rising one eyebrow at Phil.
- I wish, but I’d rather not get you any more injuries, - Phil sighed, slumping slightly.
- Grrrrr. Fine, whatever. - Dan pushed himself past Phil, getting up to get his computer and notepad, not being in the best mood.
Phil watched him, folding his arms, still no less worried. - Will you please just rest? Why are you making it worse for yourself? -
- Because I don’t care! - Dan snapped in sudden anger, slaming the notepad down with a loud thud.
- Well, I do! - Phil snapped back, a bit shocked from the sudden thud, taking a deep breath. - Just… just take care of yourself, for me if not yourself? -
- Why? Why should I? After this damn project you won’t even remember my fucking name! - Dan was fighting his anger mixing with something else.
Phil shook his head. - Are you sure about that? Because I’m pretty sure I can’t forget you, project or no project, - he said firmly, not looking away from Dan.
- Whatever, - Dan murmured, sitting down and simply starting to work.
- That’s it? You’re not going to let yourself recover? - Phil folded his arms again, trying to think of what to do to get Dan to take care of himself.
- So, which part of this you think we should discuss more, first or second one? - Dan asked, fully ignoring Phil, pointing to the screen with a pen in his hand.
- The third one where you give yourself a break, if you don’t mind, - Phil muttered, standing up beside Dan.
- Okay, let’s take a bit from both. You will be writing the first one and I will take second one. - Dan kept ignoring Phil.
Phil groaned. - Should I just start talking about carrots or something? Not like you’re going to acknowledge it even if I say, I don’t know, black is a stupid colour! -
- Stop being a drama queen, it’s getting annoying. - Dan groaned, shifting a bit.
- Well, I’m sorry for being concerned that the same person who can’t sit up properly is now ignoring basic self-care, - Phil muttered, this time more annoyed.
- And why the fuck should you care? You are just some emo-haired prick who is a bigger drama queen then all pussies put together in our school! - Dan snapped back, still with his back toward Phil.
Phil flinched, his mouth opening but no sound coming out as he stared at Dan, trying to figure out if he meant that or not. After a second, despite half wanting to just run, he exhaled slowly. - And what exactly is that meant to mean? - he asked, his voice more or less calm.
- Were you born such an idiot or did you take an extra course to be one? - Dan asked in a tired voice, letting one hand slide over his face.
Despite the urge to just cry, Phil shook his head. - I’d be an idiot if I believed you meant that, - he whispered, frowning, - so why are you saying it? -
- Why are you such a pussy? - Dan just snapped back, not moving.
Phil just moved round so he was in front of Dan. - I don’t know, just who I am. What’s the problem? -
- Can’t you just fuck off already? You have started to play on my nerves. - Dan groaned, not looking at Phil, looking down at his pc.
- If you can look me in the eyes and genuinely tell me you hate my presence, I’ll leave and see you at school, but otherwise I’m staying, - Phil said, a heavy knot in his stomach.
- You are already on the edge of crying, I hate crying, it’s for babies, - Dan said without any interest at all but still didn’t look up.
Phil scoffed. - Tell that to science. It’s really not for babies, - he argued, still staring at Dan, leaning on the wall slightly.
- And what? You will keep bothering me till I do what? Make you cry? Punch you? - Dan put his pc down on the table and went to sit down on the bed with his notepad resting in his lap.
- Until you admit that you’re worth caring about, - Phil replied, staying where he was just in case he annoyed Dan further.
- You know what? I’m done. - Dan slapped the notepad down next to him, his hands already in fists.
Phil frowned again, his face half-hurting from the action. - With what? -
- With you, for fucks sake! - Dan stood up so suddenly that when he pushed Phil fully against wall it made Phil’s breath hitch, Dan’s eyes glowing dark.
- Um, ow? - Phil’s brows furrowed as he looked into Dan’s eyes, waiting to see what Dan would do next.
Dan just held Phil pushed against the wall, his fists gripping Phil’s hoodie, eyes still glowing, his lips pushed in tight line.
- What? You can have the hoodie if that’s what you really want? - Phil offered Dan a small smile, breathing slowly.
- You are such an idiot. - Dan growled, hitting Phil against the wall once again, just not as hard as it would seem at first, more softly this time, leaning close to Phil, their noses almost touching, looking deep in Phil’s eyes as if trying to figure something out.
- Well, it got me here, so I’m not complaining, - Phil mumbled softly, smiling again despite his back aching slightly, then tilting his head in confusion. - What is it? -
- I could just punch you the face right now… - Dan breathed out, his breath hitting Phil’s lips with the scent and freshness of peppermint.
Phil shivered but shrugged lightly. - Or you could not do that… - he said softly.
- Why? - Dan just breathed out, not taking his eyes off Phil’s blue ones.
- I don’t know, morals and stuff? - Phil shrugged again, finally blinking, realising he hadn’t because he’d been too busy staring at Dan’s eyes.
- That would be better than what is creeping in my mind. - Dan sighed, kinda sounding disappointed.
- I’m open to better suggestions, - Phil all but drawled, his voice lower without him meaning it to be.
- You hate me already so that doesn’t matter. - Dan let out before pushing his lips a bit roughly against Phil’s warm ones.
Phil gasped but didn’t pull back, just letting it happen, letting the warmth and taste of mint wash over his lips.
Dan let go of Phil’s hoodie, sliding one hand to his scalp and the other around his waist, pulling Phil closer.
When they had to break apart for air, Phil muttered a soft - I don’t hate you, - before wasting no time and simply kissing Dan again, proving his point.
Dan softly pushed Phil to the bed, not breaking the kiss, falling on top of him.
Breathless, Phil eventually pulled back, staring up at Dan with a small but happy smile. - What happened to wanting me to leave? - he teased.
- Shut up, I can still throw you out. - Dan growled, leaning down and softly kissing and grazing his teeth against Phil’s neck.
Phil’s breathing hitched once more but he didn’t take his eyes off Dan. - Sure, if you say so, - he mumbled, his hands settling on Dan’s back to steady them.
At that point, Dan bit down a bit stronger, strong enough to bruise but soft enough not to break the skin there.
Regardless of his best efforts, a small moan escaped Phil, making him blush and finally look away from Dan. - Sorry… -
Dan just licked over the love bite there, moving a bit lower and continuing what he was doing before.
- Dan… - Phil wasn’t even sure if he was thanking or warning Dan at this point. - Are you sure this is okay? - he breathed.
Dan didn’t answer, just bit down again, making sure to leave yet another love bite, now moving his hands a bit tighter around Phil, one of them resting on Phil’s hip, gripping it softly.
Phil froze, not really sure what Dan’s plan was, biting his lip. - Dan? - he questioned quietly, but there was trust in his voice.
Dan didn’t answer, just continued his movements.
- Hey, - Phil mumbled after a moment, - what do you want? -
Dan finally looked up at Phil, looking completely lost and out of place, out of this planet and universe, his eyes so big and full with mixed emotions not really revealing what he was actually feeling that moment.
Phil’s gaze softened and he leaned up, pulling Dan closer, into a simple hug, being careful not to press too hard and hurt him further, not saying anything, just holding him reassuringly.
Dan stiffened a bit in confusion, not really moving.
Phil loosened his grip a little, so he could look at Dan properly again. - Are you okay? - he asked.
- Why did you hug me? - Dan asked in slight confusion.
- Because you looked a bit lost and I thought a hug might help, sorry. - Phil moved to the side a little, creating a small space between them.
It looked like it did confuse Dan even more.
- No one has ever said actually no to me in this… - Dan cocked his head to the side a bit, sitting up and letting his hands fall in his lap.
Phil frowned, taking one of Dan’s hands on instinct. - In what? -
- In what we just did before you pushed me away. - Dan rolled his eyes at how silly for him Phil’s question was.
- Oh. - Phil paused. - I just didn’t think it was the right time, you were ready to kick me out, apparently… - he smiled a little.
- Does fucking ever have the right time? - Dan stood up, pulling his hoodie back down, simply sitting down in front of his pc and starting to talk about their project once again as if nothing had happened just a moment earlier.
Phil sat up properly and simply waited until Dan paused before answering: - Yeah. Yeah, it does. It should mean something. -
- It never does, - Dan murmured before continuing to go on with their project.
Phil hummed his agreement with Dan’s points for a minute before going back to the other conversation and saying, - One day, it’ll mean a lot. -
- Why? - Dan turned to glare at Phil.
- Because everyone deserves to experience it when it means something good, - Phil replied, - and you deserve it too. -
- Yeah, right. - Dan snorted, turning back to pc.
- I am right, actually, - Phil said firmly, folding his arms even though Dan couldn’t see.
Dan just ignored Phil and went on with their project. After almost an hour, he stood up, stretching a bit before shutting his pc.
- Okay, so you do that part and I will do this one, then we will put it all together. - Dan looked exhausted like he could pass out at any moment.
- Right, sounds perfect. Can you sit down so you don’t fall down now? - Phil asked, genuine concern in his voice as he smiled warmly.
- I’m fine, - Dan said strictly.
Phil nodded. - Okay, well, humour me and sit down anyway? You don’t need to be stood up, really…. -
- You are going anyway so I will lead you. No need to sit down just to stand back up right away. - Dan groaned, stretching a bit once again.
For some reason, disappointment settled in Phil’s stomach but he just shrugged. - If I need to go, I can find the way, don’t worry, - he said.
- My stepfather will be home in a couple of mins, I don’t want him to insult you just because you spend time with me and plus I kinda can’t bring anyone over because he thinks that all I do in this room is fuck whoever comes in it and don’t live in this house. - Dan for some weird reason started to explain himself, looking kind of hurt by seeing Phil’s disappointment.
Phil stood up at this point, his own hurt melting into sympathy and understanding as he smiled gratefully. - It’s okay, thanks for explaining though, I guess we can spend time in school when you get back then? - he asked hopefully.
- Well… I won’t be in school for the next 2 days, - Dan murmured, opening his room door for Phil.
Phil tried his best not to look disappointed again, nodding quickly. - Okay, well, um, will you have time after school? To, uh, work on the project? -
- I won’t be in town. He’s taking me somewhere. - Dan slowly started to walk down the stairs, holding one arm over his bruised ribs.
Phil froze at the top of the stairs, taking a deep breath. - What? Where? - he asked, then shook his head. - Sorry, drama queen alert, I’m just worried… -
- Worried for what? That he will fuck me? Probably. That he will hit me? Probably. That he will kill me? Well, who knows. - Dan rolled his eyes, continuing to slowly walk.
- And you have to go? - Phil asked slowly, his heart dropping at the thought of Dan getting hurt again.
- Why not? I use every chance to get away from this house. - Dan stood at the bottom of the stairs, trying to breathe normally, glancing back at Phil. - Will you just stand there or actually come down the stairs? Or do you want me to carry you down them? -
Phil blinked himself back to reality, frowning, then shook his head. - No, no, don’t carry me… - he mumbled, quickly skipping down the steps and standing beside Dan. - Hey, are you okay? You look a bit ill… -
- I’m fine! - Dan snapped, turning his back to Phil.
- Alright, fine, don’t blame me when you collapse somewhere! - Phil grumbled back, sighing.
- As if you care, - Dan murmured quietly, walking to the door and opening it for Phil.
Phil walked through before looking straight at Dan. - I always care about you, whether or not you want to see it. -
- Yeah, yeah, right. You’ve known me just for 2 days. - Dan crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the door frame.
- And? Why does that affect whether or not I care? - Phil asked incredulously.
- Because you don’t know me. - Dan said without any care, slowly sliding his eyes over Phil.
Phil nodded. - Right. But that’s only because you won’t let me. -
- You pushed me away, so it’s not me who is not letting you. - Dan mumbled straightening his back, putting a hand on the door knob.
Phil blinked at him. - What? You’re the one that literally tried to get me to leave, I don’t think you can say I was the only one pushing, and I didn’t even mean to, I was trying the opposite, actually… -
- Yeah, right. Bye. Oh, wait! How did you get my number? - Dan furrowed his eyebrows.
- You don’t seem to believe what I say so I guess there’s no point telling you, - Phil mumbled, then smiled and added: - I guess It’ll remain a mystery! -
- No. You will tell me, - Dan said in a strict tone.
Phil frowned. - Why? You were pretty eager for me to just leave a second ago! -
- I don’t like for people to have my number. Literally only three people have it. Well, four now if we count you. So tell me who gave you the number. And tell me now. You have exactly one minute before my stepfather drives down this street. Time is ticking. - Dan crossed his arms once again.
Phil glanced at the road in concern but still shook his head. - I can’t, I promised I wouldn’t tell, - he replied quickly, stepping back automatically.
- Was that that bitch? Did she give you my number? I will fucking kill her! - Dan growled in sudden anger, curling his hands into fists so tight that his knuckles turned white.
- Please don’t kill anyone! - Phil said urgently, his eyes wide. - I can delete your number if you want but please don’t do anything like that… -
- She had no right! I had enough already of my mum giving it to her in the first place! Fuck! - Dan punched the wall next to him, sure to leave his knuckles bleeding.
- Don’t do that! - Phil almost shouted, almost glaring at Dan, his expression then softening as he glanced over Dan’s hand. - What good did that do? - he asked softly.
- Ah for fucks sake! - Dan rolled his eyes, slamming the door shut behind him and walking toward Phil, his eyes still dark from anger and skinny lines of blood dripping over his fingers already.
Phil swallowed, his eyes travelling between Dan’s eyes and his knuckles, thrown off guard once again. - Dan? - he asked slightly nervously.
Dan didn’t answer, grabbing Phil’s wrist in his other, not bloody, not bloody hand and starting to lead him to the opposite side of where he said that his step father will come, toward the bus stop.
- What are you doing? - Phil asked, speeding up to match Dan’s pace, not even trying to get his wrist free and simply staring at him in shock as they walked.
- Walking you to a bus stop. - Dan breathed out, his grip on Phil’s wrist firm but soft.
- Why? You need rest, not the task of dragging me around! - Phil sighed, knowing it’d be hard to convince Dan otherwise anyway.
- Because we didn’t finish our talk and I have no need of you getting lost. - Dan took a deeper breath.
Phil shrugged, but didn’t stop frowning at Dan. - Alright, at least slow down so you don’t tire yourself out? -
Dan didn’t answer but started to walk slower, sitting down at the bus stop, letting go of Phil’s wrist, resting his bloody hand over his knee.
- I might have tissues somewhere… - Phil muttered, unzipping his bag to look before Dan could reply.
Dan just waited, looking at Phil, looking exhausted once again, anger gone.
An awkward moment of silence later, Phil produced a squashed packet of tissues from his bag, then sliding onto the seat beside Dan and taking his hand. - No arguing, by the way, - Phil stated firmly.
Dan just let Phil take his hand and wipe away the blood, keeping his mouth shut.
Only once Dan’s hand was almost completely devoid of blood did Phil finally look up again. - There, that’s a little better. What did you want to say? -
- Why did she give you my number? And how did you find out that she is my step sister? - Dan asked, sounding really worn out.
Phil sighed, deciding to just say it rather than tire Dan out further. - She kind of guessed I was, uh, missing you, so she tried to help. It wasn’t anything bad, I promise. I think she felt bad for us. And, as for finding out she’s your step-sister: I recognised her voice. -
- So just like that, you recognise her voice and went straight up at her in school and asked for my number? And felt bad? Yeah, right. - Dan rolled his eyes.
- Oh! - Phil shook his head, forgetting that Dan didn’t know everything he did. - Right, sorry, yeah, she’s sort of my best friend so that made things easier… -
- She is your what?! - Dan sat up straighter, looking over at Phil.
Phil paused, shrugging sheepishly. - I didn’t know you guys were related! -
- We’re not! And there is no “we” between me and her! - Dan snapped.
- Okay, okay, I get it, sorry. - Phil held his hands up in mock-surrender, offering a small smile.
- Kiss me and I’ll forgive you. - Dan mumbled in a much softer voice, looking deep in Phil’s eyes.
It took Phil a moment to absorb that but then he nodded slowly. - Only if you promise not to push me away? -
- I didn’t push you away. You pushed me away. - Dan cocked his head to one side.
Phil was all sorts of confused again. - I really didn’t mean to, I don’t know why you think that… -
- Will you kiss me or not? The bus will be here any minute. - Dan groaned.
Phil thought for a second before simply nodding, shuffling closer so he could reach Dan but waiting just before their lips met, looking straight at Dan. - You sure this is okay? -
- Kiss me already, - Dan growled.
Phil chuckled and pushed their lips together, accidentally forgetting to try and keep his eyes open because of how surprisingly warm Dan was.
Dan answered to the kiss, placing his right hand over Phil’s cheek, deepening the kiss for a bit before breaking apart and standing up just when the bus stopped right in front of them.
Phil blinked, smiling up at Dan both gratefully and sadly. - Thank you, - he mumbled as he grabbed his bag and slung it over one shoulder.
- You can text me if you like. I don’t mind. - Dan called before Phil hopped into the bus, turning around and starting to walk back home.
Phil didn’t have time to reply but, as soon as he had a ticket, he found his phone and texted a simple: - You might regret that choice when I spam you! -
- See you in two days. Don’t forget to work on your part of project. -
- Don’t forget to stay alive x - Phil replied.
The next two days Dan wasn’t at school and there were no messages from him either but then, on Friday around lunch time Phil got a call from what sounded like a very excited and cheerful Dan.
- Dan? - Phil asked hesitantly, not having expected someone who’d been so injured to suddenly sound so cheerful.
- Philly! What a great time to hear your lovely voice, - Dan said in such a cheerful and lovely tone, making Phil completely forget his lunch and get all funny inside.
He stood up immediately, walking to an empty corridor so he could hear better. - What? I mean, thanks, but what? Are you okay? -
- I’m in front of the school in the parking lot. Waiting for you. So, don’t leave me waiting for long. - Dan now said in a serious tone and hung up.
Phil’s jaw fell open but he just pocketed his phone and ran. Ran faster than before because he wasn’t sure what he expected to see and, when he reached the parking lot, he frowned, unable to spot Dan for some reason.
- Phil! - Dan called from the side, all in black of course, leaning against shiny, new Porsche 918, his arms crossed over his chest, smirking at Phil, looking pleased for seeing how distracted Phil looked.
Phil walked over to him slowly, frowning. - How? - he asked simply, his gaze flicking between Dan, who looked a little bit healed, and the car.
- Get in. We’re going for a ride. - Dan opened the car door for Phil, not giving an option for a “no”.
Sighing in defeat, Phil climbed into the seat, admiring the car despite his confusion, and waited for Dan to get in or explain or, preferably, both.
Dan got in and start driving, speeding up so fast that it made them being pushed back into their seats by the force of it, big smirk like smile spreading over Dan’s lips.
Phil gasped, clutching the seat, adrenaline flooding into his blood. - What are you doing? - he murmured breathlessly.
- Showing you my new car, - Dan said joyfully, slowing down a bit to actually not break any rules.
- Where did you get a car? Especially one like this? - Phil asked incredulously, turning to look at Dan in shock.
- So, you know I went on a little trip, right? - Dan glanced over Phil for a millisecond. - So, he is all jealous about you and stuff, so he is kinda, hm, I could say treating me extra? -
An uneasy feeling crept over Phil. - He gave it to you, just like that? -
- Yup, we went to a car salon and he bought it for me. All papers on me so this is 100% mine! - Dan said with such a big smile over his lips, sounding so excited.
Phil smiled, unable to help returning Dan’s enthusiasm. - That’s awesome! -
After a second, though, his smile faded a little. - And what happens if you don’t go back to him after this? -
- Who cares? And this isn’t the only thing he did. As I said, he treated me extra these two days. It actually felt so good. Now I can kinda understand why people get sugar daddies but I don't know. - Dan laughed, stopping into what happened to be Phil’s favourite café.
- Sugar daddies don’t give you bruises, - Phil mumbled, but then just tilted his head and gestured to the café. - What’s your plan? -
- We get lunch. - Dan smiled, turning to Phil. - And I’m happy to see you. -
Dan’s eyes were full of softness as he slid a hand over Phil’s cheek before pulling him into a soft kiss.
Phil smiled into their kiss, taking Dan’s hand as he pulled back. - Did you know this was my favourite café? - he asked.
- No, this is my favourite place. - Dan let out a small giggle, starting to play with Phil’s fingers. - Did you already eat your lunch? -
Phil laughed suddenly. - No, it’s just gonna be on the table where I left it, unless someone ate it by now… -
- Well, good, because I’m buying you lunch. Let it count as a lunch date or something. I don't know how they call them. - Dan, to avoid the answer and look away from Phil, got out of the car right after saying it.
Taking a deep breath, Phil opened his door and climbed out too, almost shocked at how bright it was outside compared to inside the car, looking for Dan immediately.
Dan just flashed a fast smile at Phil, locking the car and walking into the cafe, letting Phil choose their seats.
He chose the ones near the window so they weren’t surrounded by too many people, but glanced at Dan before sitting down. - Is here okay? -
- I always sit here. - Dan sat down, looking over his nails as if wanting to scratch the nail polish off but there was none left, making him sigh.
Phil smiled a little. - That’s one problem that can actually be easily fixed, you know, - he commented, nodding to Dan’s plain nails.
- Yeah, I know. He made me clean them off. And when we got back I was kinda too excited to steal you from school to paint my nails. - Dan put his hands back down when the waiter came with the menu, Dan letting Phil fully choose food for them both.
Phil just ordered pizza-toasts for them both, hoping that was a safe option to go for and wanting Dan to try them if he hadn’t already.
- So tell me, how have you been these two days? Apart from the cute messages you kept sending me, - Dan asked with a full mouth, for sure looking hungry.
- I finished my part of the project that we’d decided on, starting adding some more information that you can check over…. other than that… uh, someone broke a window at school? - Phil offered, not sure what Dan wanted to know.
- If that wasn’t you then I don’t care. - Dan took a sip from his coke, already finishing his plate, licking his fingers.
Phil raised an eyebrow. - What, you don’t think I could break a window? -
- Nah, you are a drama queen but not the one who would actually break something. Not like that. - Dan looked over the waiter, showing three fingers up, and got a nod from her; after a moment the waiter brought a dessert over and Dan started to eat it like he really hadn’t eaten in the previous two days. - Want some? -
Phil shook his head. - No, it’s fine, you can have it, you seem like you need it more anyway, - he said, sitting back a bit.
- Wha? - Dan looked up. - C’mon, here is enough for both of us. -
Again, Phil declined. - Nah, it’s fine. I’m full anyway. -
- Philly, c’mon. Just one bite. For me. - Dan looked at Phil with puppy eyes, a big smile soon spreading over his lips.
Sighing in defeat, Phil only managed to stay firm for a few seconds before just giving in. - Fine, fine, enough of that look! -
- You love that look. - Dan chuckled, pecking Phil’s lips before giving him a bite of the dessert.
- I also love this, thanks, - Phil mumbled, even though his mouth was slightly full and his words came out muffled.
Dan smiled even bigger, starting to feed Phil his dessert while eating it himself too.
Once they were done, Phil looked at the empty plate, almost confused. - I can’t believe this is my favourite place and I’ve never had that before! -
- Well, it could be because you can’t order it. - Dan grinned, leaning back in his chair.
- What does that mean? - Phil asked, frowning slightly.
- It’s not on the menu. It is specially made for me and just for me. So, feel special. - Dan smiled softly.
- Oh, - Phil muttered quietly, - Well, thank you for sharing it then. -
- I would love to share not only that with you. - Dan mumbled quickly before standing up and going to pay for their order.
Phil followed him almost immediately, as soon as he’d processed what Dan had said. - Hey, what else do you want to share? - he asked, not caring if he sounded dumb.
Dan smirked, looking Phil up and down before mumbling a silent “everything” and simply turning around and finishing paying for their meal, giving the girl standing as a cashier a smile, then walking out of the cafe, sure that Phil is following him.
Of course, Phil did follow him until they were stood by Dan’s new car again, at which point Phil finally regained the ability to speak. - And how would you do that if you can’t spend a day with me without having to suffer consequences for it? - he asked slowly.
- Simply by spending time with you. - Dan smiled, leaned against the shiny car, pulling Phil closer by his hips and in between Dan’s legs, leaving his hands resting on Phil’s hips.
Phil let out a small gasp, then stared at Dan, tilting his head to one side. - And you’re sure that’d be safe? -
- Do you think that I give a fuck about it being safe or not? - Dan asked smirking, lowkey loving Phil’s warmth seeping through his clothes, warming him up.
Having expected that kind of answer, Phil gave Dan a pointed look. - You might not but you know I do… -
- Don’t worry, he literally won’t dare to hit me. - Dan groaned, rolling his eyes.
- What, and you gave yourself those bruises last time? - Phil retorted, raising an eyebrow.
- No, I mean that now, he can’t do that anymore. - Dan sighed, letting go of Phil. - Get in the car and I will tell you the whole story behind why I’m so sure about that. -
As ridiculous as he found it, Phil immediately missed the warmth of Dan standing so close to him, climbing into the car with a small shrug and waiting to see what Dan would say, hope blooming inside him.
- So, when we went away for these two days, on the first day there was a big fight and he wanted to hit me again because I said that I liked kissing you but then I simply said that if he laid that fist against me I would simply walk out of that door and never ever allow him to come near me. So he just stopped and later, when he aggressively pulled my hair and kinda bit down on my shoulder, I made something like a scene about him always being so damn rude and so on, so after some arguing, he just broke down, started apologizing and said that he cares for me and shit like that. Then he promised that he won’t hit me ever again. Well, after all the tears were dried and we’d gotten some sleep, he started being all polite, taking me shopping and treating me extra. And I think you helped too with your cute texts that kept me smiling softly down at my phone. - Dan finished with some sort of soft smile over his lips, looking over at his phone that was lying next to the steering wheel.
Phil had simply been watching Dan while he was explaining with a slight frown on his face but, once Dan looked at his phone, he smiled. - Well, that’s not perfect but it sounds good for now. So, what’s next? - Phil asked.
- I will let him treat me better. - Dan shrugged.
As much as Phil wanted to believe that was a good solution, he couldn’t help feeling worried and being, as Dan kept saying, a drama queen. - That’s it? - he mumbled.
- Well, and spending time with you. - Dan looked up at Phil, leaning closer to him with a naughty smile on his lips.
Phil rolled his eyes but he blushed anyway. - Fine, but only if it’s somewhere there’s no chance of him seeing us, - he replied.
- I don’t care, I could fuck you in front of him and still wouldn’t care. All I care about is you. Not him, - Dan breathed out against Phil’s lips.
A shiver running down Phil’s spine from the feeling of Dan’s breath on his lips, he just smiled again, but managed to pull back. - Still, - he muttered, not able to manage much more but hoping that got his point across.
- Come back, - Dan growled, pulling Phil back, - Kiss me. -
Phil leaned in close but stopped just as his lips brushed Dan’s, smirking. - Hurry up and drive us somewhere else, then, - he murmured.
Dan cursed loudly, starting the car and speeding off. Not really caring about speed limits or other cars, manoeuvring through them till they stopped in front of the house Dan lived in.
- Really? - Phil asked, but didn’t say anything else, wanting Dan to confirm if this was the final destination before kissing him.
- What? My room is not good enough? - Dan asked while taking the car keys out, ready to get out of the car.
Phil only shrugged in response, letting them both climb out of the car before saying: - If it’s away from prying eyes, anywhere’s good enough for me. -
Dan just lead Phil to his room and as soon as the door closed behind them, Dan pushed Phil down on the bed, climbing over him, smashing their lips together in a somehow hungry but pleading kiss.
This time, Phil got over his shock quickly, accepting and answering back to Dan’s advances, one of his hands finding a place in Dan’s curls and the other settling on Dan’s back as they shifted a little to make sure they wouldn’t hurt themselves as they kissed.
Dan kept kissing Phil until they were fully out of breath but still stayed on top of him, having one hand in Phil’s hair and other under his shirt gripping Phil’s hip, a hungry-like look in his eyes.
- Hi, - Phil mumbled pointlessly, breathing heavier than normal as he stared up at Dan, focusing on the warmth of someone else above him and the way his lips were still tingling.
- Be my boyfriend, - Dan breathed out, looking deep into Phil’s eyes.
Phil blinked, somehow yet again shocked by Dan, even though he should probably be used to that by now. - You already have one, - he whispered sadly.
- So, that’s a yes? - Dan asked, pathetically hopeful.
But Phil shook his head ever so slightly. - I wish it could be, but you can’t juggle both me and him without hurting yourself along the way. -
- I don’t care about him. All I care about is you and only you. I don’t care if it will hurt. I don’t care if I end up dead. I will be thankful for every second spent with you no matter what the payment of it will be. Even a simple kiss or touch is enough for me. You are my everything and I’d rather be dead than without you because there is no me without you. - Dan breathed out.
Living up to his ‘drama queen’ title, Phil could feel tears in his eyes from the sheer honesty in Dan’s words. He had to take a deep breath in order to compose himself enough to lean up and plant a small, soft kiss on Dan’s cheek. - For someone who didn’t even want to do this project to start with, that was an incredibly sweet speech. Thank you, - Phil whispered, then added: - But I care if you end up dead so I can’t let you put yourself in that situation. -
- So it’s a no then. - Dan slowly got up, his walls rising up at the same time, fully hiding the Dan he just was and showing only the cold fuckaboy who doesn’t give a fuck about anything that Phil met a week ago.
Phil frowned and grabbed Dan’s wrist, stopping him from going too far, continuing to stare into Dan’s eyes even though he was now met with a glare. - It’s not a no, it’s a yes with a condition, - he said firmly.
- No. It’s yes or no. And since you can’t give me a full-on yes, then it’s a no. Now get out of my house. - Dan’s tone was colder than ice and sharper than any razors possible.
And yet, Phil wasn’t having it. He simply folded his arms and glared at Dan. - You’re not doing that again. Be honest, if I was with someone else that kept hurting me, would you say yes if I asked you? -
- That doesn’t matter anymore. Now get the fuck out! - Dan almost dragged Phil out of the house in such coldness and anger, slamming the door right in his face.
Later, he got a message from Dan that simply said: “email me your half of the project.”
After that Phil didn’t see Dan in school and his phone number had been changed. It was like Dan had never existed at all and Phil had only imagined everything.
After a week, Phil finally asked Lynsy where Dan was but oh, how he wished that he hadn’t asked.
- He moved out with his boyfriend last Sunday, - she said without any emotions, looking up at Phil and sighing. - I warned you that he is a fuckaboy and slut. You should have listened to me. -
- No, - Phil breathed, shaking his head, - he wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t… -
Then, despite Lynsy’s attempt at arguing, Phil got up and ran, he ran all the way through the cemetery and across the bridge, through the trees and up the road to Dan’s place, simply pushing the unlocked door open and skipping up the steps to Dan’s room.
But it really was empty, a simple room without any personality left.
Phil walked around, frowning at the desk, now bare and slightly scratched as if something had been ripped off it, and looking over the empty walls in case he’d missed something.
- Phil, he’s gone. - Lynsy’s voice brought Phil back from his thoughts, she was standing at the door, looking at Phil with a sad expression.
- Where did they go? He must have mentioned something? - Phil asked, sort of desperately, refusing to believe he’d found and lost Dan within a week.
- He didn’t. He just came down the stairs when we had breakfast announcing that he is leaving with his boyfriend and won’t be coming back. Then murmured as if we cared anyway and walked out the door, got into his car and left. I’m sorry, Phil. - She reached a hand out for Phil.
Phil just brushed it away, knowing she wouldn’t be offended. - But he was ready to stay… Why would he just leave? Especially with him? - he wasn’t even asking her at this point, just thinking aloud.
- Do you know who he left with? Because we never knew that he had a long lasting person… - She sighed.
- That’s because you didn’t bother to ask, - Phil muttered, then nodded slowly. - Yeah, I know who it is. And so do you, if you’ve done your project right… -
- What? I don’t understand… Is it someone from school? - She really sounded confused.
Phil tilted his head to one side. - You really don’t know? - he asked, shocked.
- No, I have no idea. He was really private, he didn’t like me or my dad, so he never talked to us. So I really don’t know. I don’t even know why he didn’t like us so much. - She pulled Phil to her room and sat down, sitting Phil down next to her.
Looking around for a moment, he whistled. - Wow, you guys are completely different, - he commented, then, after a second, returned to their previous conversation. - Well, he said he was with the project teacher so… -
- He was what? - She asked in full shock.
- Exactly. - Phil sighed, standing up again, pinching the bridge of his nose. - I don’t get it, where can Dan go if the teacher was still in school? -
- Em… I haven’t actually seen that teacher the whole week… - She sounded genuinely worried.
Phil went still, staring at her. - Didn’t you? I thought I did… Oh, perfect, - he mumbled, flopping down onto the floor, unsure of what to do next.
- Maybe I can go and sneak his new phone number from his mum for you? I think that he did send her one but I’m not sure… But for you, I can try? - She kneeled down in front of Phil.
Phil looked up at her with hope and appreciation in his eyes. - Would you, really? Even though I was a bit cold to you? - he asked, biting his lip with guilt.
- You are my best friend. And I see that you care deeply about him. - She stood up with a smile. - Be right back. -
After several minutes she finally came back with a phone number in her hand, giving it to Phil but when Phil tried calling it, it said that number doesn’t exist.
After weeks of trying to get Dan’s new number, it started to get even more and more surreal that Dan had even because there was literally nothing that would prove Phil that he wasn’t just imagining it all.
One day at school someone sits down next to him, making him look up and meet forest green eyes staring down at him, making his heart jump a bit.
- Hi, I’m Ostin. - The boy said in a smooth voice, making Phil forget the aching piece in his mind that had been Dan. More or less.
like/reblog bt don’t repost, thanks! Masterlist
#phanfiction#phanfic#fanfiction#fanfic#phandom#phan#danisnotonfire#dan howell#daniel howell#amazingphil#phil lester#idek#high school au#angst#swearing#hurt phil lester#hurt dan howell#hurt no comfort#school project au#twiapwi#my writing#dnp#ambiguous ending
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Changed Feelings (Chenle)
Gif Credit
word count: 2278
An au where you two went from strangers to decent friends
You basically go to the same school as the dreamies
Though you’re closest to Jeno
Bc he’s your best friend
BUT you mainly have the same class as Renjun
Hella confusing i know
Honestly the only class you guys DON’T have together is art
ART OUT OF ALL CLASSES
Ok before i get out of hand with your school life
CHENLE
He’s in your little friend group, but you don’t really talk to him
Heck your locker is next to his too
He’s in some of your classes but again, you don’t talk to him
Renjun tried to get you to talk to chenle but it never works
Jaemin also tried to get you to talk to him
Yet you still refused
Of course you eventually did
But it ended up you two hating each other
It wasn’t to the extent where you both would get in trouble
You guys would just write your hates on sticky notes and put them on each others lockers
Chenle would talk about how much he hates you while you’re not around
You just keep it to yourself
Apparently something caused both of you to hate each other
Knowing you, renjun probably thought it was something serious
Yet knowing chenle, it was probably something stupid
It lasted for months
Literally how?
The thing is, renjun and jaemin caught chenle spilling compliments about you as he was complaining about you one time
“YOU LIKE THEM!!!”
“NO I DON’T, WHY WOULD I?”
“DON’T LIE.”
Then chenle would spill how much he hates you
But they know he had a crush on you
They can feel the regret from him every time he complains to them
Soon you had a project to do, and you must be working with a partner
Literally everyone else was taken but chenle
YOU CAN’T BELIEVE RENJUN BETRAYED YOU FOR JAEMIN
You two needed to pick a topic but you guys ended up spending two days trying to pick one
Apparently you guys can’t agree on a topic
“How about music?” your teacher suggested
You both ended up being silent as you both were about to argue again
“You know you guys just can’t keep arguing.” your teacher sighed
You just stood there while chenle crossed his arms and looked away
“Why can’t we work alone?” you asked
“Well….” your teacher knew you work better alone, but i guess she wanted you to get used to working with other people
“Is it so Chenle gets an actual grade?”
“Hey, at least i’m passing!” he protested.
“Chenle, you may be passing, but your test scores is quite something…. Failing this project can result in you failing this class….”
“Ms—“
“Chenle, I’m trying to help you pass.”
You rubbed your neck while the conversation was going on
Even though you kept a straight face, you wanted to laugh
After the whole conversation with your teacher, you guys ended up doing music
Just the different types of music is what the assignment is
Honestly you thought someone took the topic, but people might actually want to do something new
Music isn’t something new to the both of you, but at least it makes things easier
Well you hope
Now you guys need to find the time to get together and actually talk about it
Except you guys ended up being silent
Heck you guys didn’t even bother to exchange phone numbers
Luckily your teacher lets you work on it in class
Everyone sat next to their partner and working together
Then there’s you and chenle, working independently
Well, it looks like it’s just you who’s working on it
Your teacher was about to scold chenle for not working
But to everyone’s surprise, he was actually working
It’s almost like you two use telepathic powers to split the work
Unless you two ACTUALLY talked about it
Yeah right
It looked like he actually started the day before
But you eventually got the same amount of work done in a span of 45 minutes
Your teacher walks up to you and crouches down by your desk
“Y/N, I think you should talk to Chenle, especially about the project.”
You looked at her as if she’s insane, and she gives you a look, causing you to sigh
When she walked away, you looked where Chenle was sitting and finding out he fell asleep while working
Guess he wasn’t used to working this much
You were actually debating, but eventually you left a sticky note on his desk
When he woke up, he saw the sticky note
Here’s my number, and it’s only for the project, got it?
Honestly, who knows if he’s gonna text you
Later today, you got a text
Is this Y/N?
Oh, he actually did
Yeah, so this is chenle?
Yep!
He seems happy to text you
Why?
It’s just for the project
Is there you want to talk about the project?
Probably something you both don’t want to think about, but you had to
You were expecting a quick reply from him, since he was replying fast earlier
But he left you hanging
Oh well, you weren’t mad
A couple hours later, you were working on the project, looking through the information you found
Your phone vibrated on your desk
Of course it’s Chenle texting you back
Do you want to hang out at a cafe sometime? So we can actually talk about what we found and how we’re going to put it together.
For once, he’s not wrong
Sure, I’m pretty much free everyday, so you can pick the day.
Is tomorrow fine? Since it’s the weekend and all.
Already? I thought it was thursday.
Well you thought wrong.
You were going to smile at his words, but your thoughts on how annoying and loud he is stopped it
You looked at his recent text
So tomorrow then?
Yeah.
Now you just hope no one from school sees you
Alright! I’ll see you at the school doors then?
I guess, yeah.
And that was that.
Skipping the night, it was time to actually meet him
you just wore casual yet cute
it was a nice day, so you wore a dress, carrying a bag with all the work in it
hair up in a ponytail so it wouldn’t get in your face while you work
when you saw him, he was wearing shorts, with a vest and short sleeves, and a brown beret
and of course, a laptop case
you covered your mouth and chenle pouted
“Now is not the time to make fun of me!”
“sorry, you look like a five year old.”
“Do not!”
“then someone has looked at the mirror.”
you two could go on for hours on your argument, but you both know that’s not what you’re here to do
“come on! the faster we finish, the earlier we get to go home!”
he started to drag you
“You’re the one that wanted to work at the cafe!”
“because it’s better than waiting for a text!”
again, he’s not wrong
you guys finally reached the cafe, and lucky it wasn’t packed
you both entered and picked your seats, getting your things out
you ended up sitting in silence for the past 10 minutes
you looked over your work while he played with his thumbs
out of the blue, he got up
“do you want anything to drink?”
you paused at his sudden request
“ice tea, please.”
with that, he went to order, and while you waited, you looked at your papers
it looks like you didn’t do much, but your handwriting is just small
chenle returned with two drinks, turns out that he got juice
he caught your gaze as you looked at his juice
“i can't stand coffee, it’s so bitter.” he clarified
“lattes exists you know.” you say as you drink your tea
“then why didn’t you get coffee then?”
“because i hate the taste of coffee in general.”
now you know that you two have something in common
he pulled out his laptop, logged on and showed you the progress he made
you looked back and forth at his screen and your paper, crossing out any information you wrote that he already added
while you were doing that, he just stared at you, as if he was realizing how beautiful you are
until the door to the cafe opened and someone familiar showed up in his vision
you didn’t bother to see where he’s looking
“Hey, it’s Y/N and Chenle!” said a familiar voice
yep, that took your eyes off the screen and paper and shifted to whoever talked
it was renjun and jaemin, how nice
it seems like they were going to work on their project here too
“How are you two doing?” renjun asked
“i don’t want to hear from a betrayer.” you said and went back to work
“ouch.”
Chenle was going to complain to jaemin, but seeing you focused stopped him
for once, he was trying to be quiet and let you work
that surprised jaemin and renjun
“come on, jaemin, let’s start working.”
jaemin pouted, he obviously doesn’t want to work
skipping to a couple hours later
chenle fell asleep again after all the working
you sighed and drank the rest of your tea and went to throw away the cup
as well as chenle’s empty bottle of juice
you guys were close to being done, and you guys could be done by now, but you didn’t want to finish too early
you went back to your seat just sat there in silence, while jaemin and renjun are still talking about their project
honestly, what do you do with a sleeping chenle?
instead of waking him up, you waiting for him to wake up on his own
you scrolled through your phone
you found yourself looking at the conversation you and chenle had
it was short and simple
though you didn’t think much about it, because things were gonna go back to the way they are after this project
you took off his beret, so he doesn’t have to wake up to his hat falling off
checking the time, you guess that you’ve been here for four hours
and you two have been surprisingly productive
you didn’t argue at all, which is a record
even though you were so close to
when you realize the cafe closes pretty early today, you had to wake him up
“wake up, the cafe is going to close soon.” you said in the most soothing voice
even renjun was surprised at the tone of your voice
chenle slowly sat up properly and tried to be awake
when you guys put your stuff away and got ready to leave, he basically clung onto you
that caught you off guard because you never really experienced this
but hey, the boy’s tired
at this point, you figured out about renjun and jaemin
it’s ok, you’ll kill him on monday
now back to clingy tired chenle
he didn’t want to let you go
but you also didn’t know where he lives
and vise versa
what are you going to do with this boy?
by the time you got to the school gates, he let go
now he’s wide awake and energetic
“I can't believe we were so productive today! we should do this again on sunday!”
now he’s acting like he never hated you before
“if you don’t sleep on me again, maybe.”
“hey, this time i didn’t sleep that much last nig—“ he instantly covered his mouth
you shoot him a look
“How much sleep did you get?”
“Like an hour… ow!”
you flicked his forehead, even though it wasn’t even that hard
“you’re taking this project too seriously.”
“i need to pass!”
“health comes before passing, you idiot!”
the fact that he’s putting passing over his sleep is not right
even if you hate him, you know that is something to worry about for a fact
you cross your arms
“if you get enough sleep tonight, then we’ll do this again on sunday, but you can’t lie to me.”
“alright, alright.”
“Now, see you sunday, maybe.”
and you guys part your ways
Now Sunday came by and you met him at the same spot
But you don’t see him anywhere?
Then you see a small figure running towards you
“Sorry, I overslept.”
Well honestly, he didn’t look like he was running late
“It’s fine, I didn’t wait that long.”
Really, he said to meet you half an hour ago but you kinda figured he would be running late, so might as well be late too
“At least fix your bed head.” you said as you brush his hair
He got embarrassed and covered his head
“Now let’s go! I promise I won’t sleep this time!”
“You better.”
Now, this time you guys actually finished your project
Luckily, it wasn’t a project you have to present, because that would take too much time
And too much arguing
You guys had time to spare, and you spent some of that time sitting in silence
Then you feel someone sliding into the same seat as you
“Renjun-hyung!”
Well chenle seems surprised about his appearance
“I came to see how you guys were doing!”
He seems happy, but you feel like something fishy is going on
Also chenle seems like he stopped hating on you
At this point, he’s treating you as if you’re his friend, but it’s one of those where he hardly interacts with, only in classes you guys have together
Sooner or later, you started to feel the same
Though, you’re still going to kill Renjun and Jaemin for setting you two up
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policeman!jihoon pt.2
a/n; special thanks to bff jupiter @chaeyolks for the pretty pretty moodboard once again,, also! this is a collab w @alliwannado-w1, her installment for woojin is coming up this weekend so do look forward to it^^
policeman!jihoon pt.1//policeman!woojin
warning: slight alcohol mention+slight violence, however characters are written when they are of adult age
“you’re illegal, why are you even a police officer?”
“you’re going to do undercover duty with y/n.”
“again?!”
“unless you want me to–”
“yes sir”
so here he was, groaning at his impeccable luck
he needed to get back at daniel for making him buy that drink LOL
“hello, im inspector park jihoon, please take care of me”
you looked up, being greeted by jihoon, in a light blue button down and ripped jeans
with that lanyard that has his name and picture??
usually staff id pics look like mugshots
but hey his pic deadass looks like a shot of those models for some fashion show
“hello, i’m sergeant y/l/n,” you smiled, sticking out your hand, “i hope we will work well together.”
at that moment jihoon fell for your brown eyes
and dimples when you smile
whatever he said about having zero interest in girls was thrown into the gutter
jihoon was tasked to shadow you for your duties for a month
he was pretty sure he was gonna get sacked for falling for his superior LOL
anyways
your first day of working with jihoon was nothing big, just typing out some reports
it was a little weird because an inspector from the violent crimes department in a street crimes(idk what its called pls forgive me) department? typing out reports of a lost puppy??
anyhow your female colleagues from the other departments will ever more often drop by your desk just to see jihoon
it was getting annoying how theyre actually paying more attention to jihoon
so you asked minhyun to dispatch you for more undercover duties LOL
“i thought you loved writing reports”
“not until the female sergeants from other departments come to my desk to see inspector park??”
“are you jealous?”
ngl you were but you arent gonna let it show
especially in front of minhyun
he would f l i p
“try having 3 colleagues flocking to your table every 2 hours to see your co-worker instead of talking to you, and also distracting you from doing work.”
“fine”
undercover was boring, you would normally drag sergeant!baejin along with you
but this time he wanted to stay in the office because he doesnt want to be the “third wheel”
you and jihoon would go to the same club everyday to do undercover duties
and the both of you manage to bust some sleazy dudes
since the whole thing was already under control the both of you soon don’t need to go to the club
and actually do night patrols
it was fun, because jihoon would entertain you by pulling funny faces and treat you to ice cream
contrary to your expectations, jihoon was actually quite nice to be around with
but then something in your mind went off about him
you remembered the fuckboy senior that played with girls’ hearts in high school
it was jihoon
you were well aware that you were a position above him despite the 2 year age gap
but you couldn’t let yourself fall for someone who breaks hearts
so you decided to build a invisible wall of friendship to prevent yourself from falling for him
i mean how couldn’t you,, he was good looking, good at his work, and had a faint protective vibe which you liked
like whenever you were feeling only a little chilly at the cool breeze jihoon would not hesitate to drape his jacket over you
and also let you walk on the inside of the pavement
besides, minhyun would fall off his chair at the thought of his sister dating someone from the violent crimes department
but that didn’t stop you from having fun
the both of you would sit at swings and play at the slides
there was once jihoon was stuck at one of the slides and you had to help him LOL
but ended up pulling out one of his Stan Smiths and nearly called the fire brigade
day by day, the both of you got closer
and you told jihoon not to call you “sergeant hwang” bc that sounds rlly formal
one day the both of you were just talking about random stuff and you mentioned that you wanted to pick up martial arts
“i can teach you if you want!^^”
“really? what martial arts do you do?”
“i have a six-don black belt in taekwondo, i do teach little kids in my spare time as well”
so here you are, standing at the back of jihoon’s taekwondo class
you felt very over-aged learning taekwondo with a bunch of white-belt kids
but they were really good, and jihoon told the kids you were his assistant for the time being
yeah, assistant with a white belt
and just saying, jihoon looked rlly rlly hot in that taekwondo uniform
with slightly sweaty bangs and all
when he just stands aside for the kids to practice and adjusts his belt
bOI
ok moving on
you learnt some basic moves and jihoon barely needed to coach you to get them right
so all those years of fighting with minhyun was worthwhile
jihoon would shift you up to a yellow belt in two weeks because you were that good
so one day your eyes obviously wasn’t doing you good
you kept messing up the sequence throughout the lesson, maybe your condition wasn’t good
jihoon could see it and asked you to rest for a while
after the lesson ended, you took your street clothes and accidentally walked into the men’s changing room
and you walked into a topless jihoon
luckily, he was the only one inside
you could see his toned abs, and defined arms
not to mention that killer jawline
and in taekwondo pants????
jihoon noticed you staring slightly and then fumbled to find his taekwondo robe
and you noticed you were in the wrong changing room
“oh shit im so sorry i--i”
just as you were about to get out of the changing room jihoon blocked the door
without his robe
“y/n, did you enter the wrong changing room to see,,,”
“see?”
he pointed to his abs, “this?”
you could only laugh, “i would never do that, i can easily see them on the internet”
he raised his eyebrows, “so you watch porn?”
“no??” you rolled your eyes, offended, “do you think i’m that kind of person, inspector park?”
“n-no--”
“i’m sorry i’m not like those girls you played with back in high school, i’m not after your body--”
“you’re driving me crazy, y/n”
“what?”
“your eyes, your nose, your lips, drive me crazy.” jihoon stared right into your eyes, making you blush
“hey inspector park--”
“why don’t you call me ‘jihoon oppa’ anymore? is our relationship strictly work-related now?”
“i just...” you sighed how something small could escalate to something big like this, “i like you, jihoon-oppa”
you slightly cringed but you continued,
“but we cant do this. minhyun will get mad, and there goes my job.”
“b-but--”
“sorry, inspector park, i’d have to go.”
you pushed jihoon aside weakly, then going out and into the ladies’ changing room
you felt hot tears trickling down your face, in reality, you just didn’t want your heart to be broken
the next day, you and jihoon went to work like a normal day
just, no patrolling and writing of reports the whole day
the office could sense a tension between the both of you, even your female colleagues stopped coming over
“hey y/n,” baejin stopped by your table and handed over a file, “you gotta go undercover again for that club, the perverts are striking again.”
“again?” you sighed, “okay i’ll go.”
“do you need me to go with you?” baejin leaned against your desk, “ you seem, off, today”
“i-”
“i will go with her, sergeant bae.” jihoon spoke, “it’s my last day here anyway.”
so fast, a month has passed, you thought.
“thanks inspector park. i’ll get going then.”
you skipped dinner, all you did was to write reports continuously throughout the day
until jihoon slammed your laptop shut, and stared straight into your eyes
“we need to go now, sergeant hwang.” his lips stretched into a straight line.
you unwillingly got up from your seat, as you shrugged on your coat and headed out to the carpark to wait for jihoon
the car ride was quiet, with you staring out of the window, not talking to jihoon
though it was jihoon’s last day, and you were sorry he had to spend his last day like that
you had to stop yourself
though the club was playing upbeat music, all you could do was to stare into blank space
just then, some sleazy dude came up to you
“can i buy this pretty lady a drink?” he winked
“no thanks, im with someone else--”
“ey, that someone else can wait.”
“i really do have someone--”
“i said i will get you a drink alright?!” the man’s rogueish smile appeared, grabbing your wrist, “i know you’re here to do undercover duties, sergeant hwang--”
just then, a fist was sent flying to the man’s cheek, as he stumbled backwards
you saw an angry jihoon, his face was red with anger
“if you ever touch sergeant hwang again, you’ll end up in the hospital.” jihoon growled.
“wow, sergeant, i didn’t know you were into flowery pretty boys like--”
jihoon sent another punch across the man’s face, making him fall to the ground
you had to physically stop jihoon from hitting that sleazy dude, or it would’ve turned into a full fight
“jihoon-oppa,” you held his arm, which weakened at your touch, “let’s stop, minhyun wouldn’t be happy if he saw this.”
jihoon scoffed, putting the dude in handcuffs
“you’re under arrest for sexual harrassment, you have a right to remain silent, unless with witness that will support your innocence.”
after that dude was thrown into jail, jihoon immediately hugged you
“are you okay?” he then took a step back to analyse your frame, “he didn’t hurt you, right? i was so--”
you then cut jihoon off with a kiss, shutting him up effectively.
jihoon kissed you back with more assertion, to make up for the time he didn’t get to talk to you throughout the day
“what was that, y/n?” jihoon smiled, ruffling your hair
“don’t tell minhyun about this”
boyfriend!jihoon in the police station is super sweet, leaving you a sandwich for breakfast, then dragging you out for lunch
minhyun soon found out about it, “i knew the both of you had something going on”
and jihoon wasn’t the asshole you expected him to be
he only had eyes for you, and it was really endearing
the both of you would go on night walks, and then sitting on the swing set, talking about random things
overall, the sweetest crime-busting couple in Gangnam Police Station
“I don’t know how you became a police officer, your looks are illegal, you’re my illegirl”
lowkey stole that from dimple by bts sorry im lame
i hope you guys enjoyed this as much as i liked writing this,,my request box is always open, so do send in requests!
#park jihoon#hwang minhyun#wanna one#wanna one scenarios#produce 101 season 2#produce 101 scenarios#park jihoon scenarios#Fluffy writes#collab: policeman!wna1
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Mayday, Mayday (Got Me Thinking Bout You Everyday)
After the first time you spilled coffee on an incredibly handsome man at a bus stop, you never expected to see him again. When you spill coffee on him the second time, the two of you get to talking.
written bc sewoon fucking debuted and yes bih
his album is amazing and i rlly love never mind so much omg
and also his stage for the title song is soo cool omgggggg
You sighed, ducking under the awning of the bus stop. It was still raining, though the air was warm and sticky, and you struggled to close your umbrella, dripping wet.
Completely focused on closing the umbrella, you didn’t realize that you had turned slightly, and before you could realize what was happening, you’d swung your umbrella into someone, knocking the cup of coffee all over them.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” you gasped, forgoing your stupid, stubborn umbrella in favor of checking to see if the poor man was okay. “Are you alright? I am so, so sorry.”
The man, who you now realized was incredibly handsome, smiled gently at you. “It’s alright, don’t worry,” he assured you.
“Really,” you sighed, digging around in your bag for your packet of tissues that you carried around, “I feel really bad. I can get that jacket dry cleaned for you, if you’d like?”
“It’s fine, it was an innocent mistake,” the man smiled down at you, “unless you were secretly plotting against me?” You grinned at his playful tone.
“I have a personal vendetta against suit jackets,” you played along, appreciating how he chuckled at your joke.
“But really, don’t worry about it,” the man assured you gently, “I know that it was a mistake, and besides, it’s a black jacket—it won’t even stain. A little coffee never hurt anyone.”
A few days later, you were running a bit late to work, and stepped into a coffee shop to grab a quick cup before heading to work. As you breathed in the bitter aroma, you couldn’t help but think of the handsome man from the bus stop. You’d gushed to your roommate that night about how handsome and kind he was, lamenting that you hadn’t thought to ask for his number, or his name at the very least.
“One latte for (y/n)!” The barista called, setting your coffee down on the counter.
“Thank you!” You said with a smile, collecting your cup. As though in slow motion, you spun around and were met with a hard chest, your coffee going all over the poor man’s clean white shirt.
“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!”
“We’ve really got to stop meeting like this.”
You looked up to meet the warm gaze of the man from the bus stop, smiling down at you. You groaned, cheeks turning pink in embarrassment.
“That makes this even worse,” you sighed, rushing to dab at his shirt with a few napkins hastily yanked from the dispenser, “I’m such a klutz, I’m so, so, sorry.” As you carefully wiped at the coffee on his chest, you couldn’t help but notice how nice his musceles seemed.
“Hey, really, it’s okay,” the man said gently, reaching down to carefully take the napkins from you. As his fingers brushed against yours, you realized how close you were to him, breath caught in the back of your throat. The two of you stood there for a heartbeat longer, staring at each other, before the man coughed, gently taking the napkins and dabbing at the stain. “I should probably introduce myself if this is going to become a regular thing,” he joked, sending you a charming smile, “I’m Sewoon.”
“(y/n),” you replied with a smile, “and I really, really hope this doesn’t become a regular thing.”
“What, you don’t like seeing me in the morning?” Sewoon teased, watching as your cheeks turned pink again.
“N-no, it’s not that!” You stammered, flustered at his teasing, “I mean, spilling coffee on you. It’s kind of a terrible way to see someone in the morning.”
“Maybe you should give me your number, then,” Sewoon said with a playful grin, “that way, we can see each other in the morning the right way.”
If possible, your cheeks heated up even more, “Yah! I don’t put out on the first date, for your information.”
“Who said anything about putting out?” Sewoon winked at you, pulling out his phone casually, “you’re lucky if you get a kiss from me on the first date.”
“Well, I guess we’ll have to just wait and see then,” you said defiantly, punching your number into your phone. Sewoon chuckled at how adorable you were, pretending to be upset as you huffed.
“That we will,” Sewoon smiled, tucking his phone back into his pocket, “I’ll see you soon.”
#produce 101#produce 101 imagine#produce 101 scenario#produce 101 oneshot#produce 101 fanfiction#jung sewoon#jeong sewoon#jung sewoon imagine#jung sewoon scenario#jung sewoon oneshot#jung sewoon fanfiction
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so here’s a story idea based on like, me being autistic
human stuck on a planet where the dominant alien race is this incredibly in-your-face species who LOVE touching everyone all the time, consider emotional intimacy a normal part of everyday interactions, and feel *really hurt* anytime anyone isn’t SUPER enthusiastic to meet them, say hi, share a cuddle, etc.
human protag struggles just to like, function, in this hypersocial world where literally personal space is not a concept in the language, and where just failing to properly reciprocate social cues is *incredibly rude* (and yes I feel this on a spiritual leVEL what do u want)
guess what I already wrote chapter 1 bc im into it
So how I got fired was this.
I’m ringing up this customer who just needed three bolts tightened, I mean the vehicle was pretty much immaculate except for the weird loose screws, and so I didn’t have that much work to do on it. I think some of these motes just come in because they like it, sometimes, the interaction, the contact and stuff. Someone doing something for them and giving them a nice checkout experience.
So I’m ringing her up and she gives me the eyes, and comes around the little curb in the counter, which is there to seem inviting, to make people come around it, and so she comes around it, giving me that look. Her eyes are that really intense fiery orange-red that monitians can have, and I’m staring her down and trying to get into character, because I wanna give it my best, right? And she links her short arm through my long one, and gives me that, like, friendly little squeeze, and it’s a lot, having her right up on me, but I’m going with it. So I lean my body closer up against hers and honestly, it’s incredibly difficult to maintain a friendly face while doing that, because of the way her other hands are pushed up all around my body, giving me friendly squeezes and stuff. And she’s still maintaining eye contact, and smiling a lot, which is normal, and I hate it.
And then she says, “so how’s your day been,” and I really do just wish we could get to the part where I ask her for the money. Instead I grin back, and you know, thinking about it now, I can really see how she was already getting weird vibes at this point, but I grin back and I’m doing my best, and I just say, “oh, you know, it’s been,” and I kinda slipped up for words. After a second I’m like, “it’s been very interesting,” and that’s when I know I’ve screwed up, because ‘very interesting,’ is basically code for ‘total crapfest,’ and I know that, and I’m very aware of that and when I think about it for ten seconds I can tell that ‘very interesting’ is just the wrong thing to say in this situation, but you know what, it’s hard sometimes with everything happening and the noise of the shop basically crowding out your thoughts, and the feel of someone giving you that look that says we’re about to become best friends for life, even though we’re not, and then when the hands get involved - my point is it’s just very, very hard to keep it together sometimes. So anyway I say ‘very interesting,’ and you can tell the light in this person’s eyes just totally dies away.
Then things get a little hostile. She doesn’t pull away, but I know I’ve screwed up, I can see it in her face, so I try to say something super friendly, like “you have gorgeous eyes,” because she does, or “you’re the best hug I’ve had all day,” or even like “I’m glad you’re here,” would’ve done, that’s nice and standard as far as small talk goes, but instead none of those came out, and I just ended up saying, “you’re glad to hug me,” which is obviously a complete garble, and she just looked at me with that frozen stare that they get sometimes when you really, really say something mean. That stare that says, “I don’t know why you’re being so cruel, it’s like I don’t even know you,” which, you know, it’s true, we’re not friends. You’re just not supposed to say that.
So she pulls away with that sunken thing they get when they feel rejected, and she starts in with those sad, sappy eyes that really tell you how lost she feels in this conversation, like she just doesn’t know where things went wrong between the two of us, and I feel like junk because I really tried, like I really tried and I feel just as lost as she does in all this, and I don’t know how good she is at reading human expressions but I don’t think she can tell how bad I feel, at all. And she just looks at the register and then shoots me this little furtive glance and says, “so it’s three hundred, right?” and the tone of her voice is just so hurt, and my heart is honestly breaking, but I just nod because there’s nothing I can do at this point. And she hands me the money and I put it in the register, and then she says something like, “wow, humans really are thoughtless,” under her breath, and just turns and leaves, which leaves me seriously gutted, and I start crying.
Well then Krizo comes over, and puts her head on one side, and I think for a second she’s not that sure what’s happening. But then she kinda realizes and looks concerned and comes in for it, and I can tell she’s going for the full-body entanglement thing with all her hands and her head going for my shoulder area, but then she catches herself and pulls back, and confines herself to just putting two hands on my arm, which is practically an insult by monitian standards but she’s doing her best to meet me halfway. And I’m crying really loudly but fortunately no one else is in the shop right now, and Krizo has that look of pity on her face, and I feel even worse than before because this is practically the twelfth time something like this has happened and honestly I’m trying my best but I’m really screwing things up, and Krizo’s had complaints, and I’ve only been here 46 days, and that’s not even a month, but I’ve already made her lose business. She was really nice and considerate to hire me in the first place, from her perspective, since I’m a human and I struggle with all this social crap, but she figured she’d give me a shot since I was, you know, really desperate, and it just keeps not working out.
So Krizo gives me this look of pity, but I can tell there’s something else there too, and I’m trying to wipe my eyes, and I say that I’m really sorry and that I really made an effort to connect on an emotional level, and she lets me say it all and listens intently. And then she says, “hey, Markle, listen,” and she’s got this extremely sweet and gentle tone that you just know means bad news, and she says, “you work really, really hard, and you do your absolute best here, day in and day out. Don’t think I don’t notice that. I’m impressed all the time, by your dedication. By how much you’ve learned. By all of it. And you’ve been doing half-days, which is also really impressive for, you know.” A quick shrug. For a human is what she means. Here it comes, though. “I think,” she says, and by this time I’m a wreck because it’s obvious what’s about to happen. “I think we should hang out.”
Yep. There it is. I can feel myself going slightly numb inside. Better get my stuff.
“You know what I’m saying, right? I’m saying, I think we should be friends. You get what I mean, right?” she says. I mean I get it, because sometimes I legit do not know what she’s saying, because monitians insist on speaking in riddles half the time, but this time it’s obvious what the intended meaning is, even though the stated words are very confusing if you’re unfamiliar with monitians and how they talk. I nod, I understand. I understand it totally.
I’m still crying with my mouth open, but silently, and I think she gets how that’s a display of emotion, but I’m not sure she knows exactly how bad it is. Then she goes in for the full embrace, and you know what, it’s fine. This is fine. I’ll never have to see her again, so I just let her get totally entangled up against me in that incredibly awkward way that results from our bodies being mismatched, and she just kinda stays like that for a minute or two while I try to breathe and calm down. Only it’s really difficult to calm down with all these strange hands running all over you, and anyway I don’t think I’ll be totally calm until I get home, and even then I might not, and I might not feel totally calm until like, I find another job. And even then, how am I supposed to feel calm when this type of thing can pretty much happen at any moment?
Eventually Krizo lets me go, and looks at me, and says, “good luck, my dear friend.” I tell her I’ll get my stuff. I know it’s all just politeness and it’s all just being decent to people and sparing their feelings and stuff, but sometimes the way monitians say things is just such a slap in the face. I mean, we’re not friends. We never will be. I didn’t even work here for a month. Maybe I’m wrong, but it just kind of adds insult to injury when they say stuff like that. So anyway, I got my stuff. Just my lunch and my coat. And I left. Another short stint of work to stick on my resume. “I notice all your past employment has been….short term,” my next employer will say, politely dancing around what they see as the inherent shortcomings of my humanity. Honestly, I need to get out of customer service.
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Studying - Hannah Baker
Anonymous said:
hey could you do a hannah x fem! reader where she usually goes to bryces house after school bc her brother (alex) always drags her there and she hates it because bryce always hits on her but instead she go to hannahs house to study and tells her about it because she doesn't have a lot of friends so hannah confesses her feelings and maybe hannahs mom can walk in on them cuddling and her parents shipping the two (hope this makes sense its my first time requesting something oops) and thank you!! :)
First time writing Hannah! If you have any tips/suggestions leave a comment or message me!
Ever since moving, things had been different. Even Alex, your older brother, had changed. The only thing that hadn’t were the cliches of High School. Alex hold even succumbed to the pressures of fitting. He started to hang out with the jocks, who you tried to give the benefit of the doubt. It was hard though, giving them a chance. You witnessed, or so it seemed, every bad move made on their part. Drugs, hardcore drinking, and serious lack of control.
It had become part of your daily routine, going to Bryce’s house that is. It was not your first choice, but Alex had a habit of bringing you wherever he went. The only time you didn’t go over to his house was when you first moved and Alex was close with Hannah Baker. When he started dating, and then broke up with, Jessica Davis, that’s when he became ‘friends’ with Bryce. You couldn’t help but pity your brother and his efforts to fit in with people like Justin Foley. So, almost everyday you found yourself at the treachery of high school boys. Bryce just seemed to think anything or anyone that walked through his door was there because he owned them; including yourself. You were subjected to Bryce’s gross flirting while Alex played video games with Justin and Monty. Everyday went the about same :
“Lookin’ good Y/N.” Bryce said, lowly enough for his words to escape Alex’s ears. He leaned in close to you, as you sat with your feet in the pool. A shiver went down your back as he breath tickled the shell of your ear. “You wanna go up to my room and show me how great you look without clothes?” You turned your head, an appalled expression on your features. Before he could continue, Zach called him inside the pool house. As he walked away, Bryce shot you a lewd wink. You rolled your eyes and mentally gagged. If it wasn’t the constant, sleazy flirting, it was touching your arms or legs when you obviously didn’t want to be touched. Being around the over-privileged jock made you miss the times your brother would drag you to Monet’s. At least there you’d get along with Jessica and Hannah while your brother worked his way through the extravagant menu.
You had always enjoyed being in the company of the two girls. While Jessica had a flare for the dramatics, Hannah was always reasonable and kind. You missed the way she’d laugh when you said something totally stupid and how bright her smile was. You couldn't help but form a little crush on the witty brown haired girl. So it really confused you when Alex dropped away from the F.M.L. group, even more so when he started to date Jessica. Being the younger of the Standalls and in freshman classes, you rarely saw Hannah in the hallways. The one time you did see Hannah during the day was lunch; but then Alex, under the teachings and rules of your father, wouldn’t let his little sister stray to a different table.
“Hey Y/N, why don’t you have a drink with us?” Bryce shouted, bringing your attention away from the water and your thoughts of Hannah. You shook your head as you brought your feet out of the water. You walked over to where you backpack was, slipping on your shoes. You wanted to leave now, but convincing them that you had to go would be tough. At least convincing Bryce to let you go. He’d probably try to sway you every which way and win over Alex.
“I have schoolwork and a project to work on. Alex, can you drive me?” It was a lame excuse, but you had hopes it would work. Bryce let out a groan and draped an arm over your shoulders, You shrunk against his touch, getting free of he reach as quickly as you could.
“C’mon Y/N, just loosen up a little,” he teased in a disgusting tone. You looked over at Alex, whose blue eyes were on you for a brief moment before looking back at the video game. You let out a small gasp at your brother’s action before turning your back on him entirely.
“I’m going,” you said, “I’ll see you at home Alex.” You headed off towards the gate to Bryce’s yard when you heard someone running up behind you. You almost spun around, ready to strike at the hand on you shoulder. But when you turned around you saw Alex.
“I’ll drive you,” he said, but you shook your head. “What is it Y/N?”
“Just stay here with your friends! I’ll be at,” you paused, “Hannah’s house.” Your brain had thought of the nearest place you could go to, to someone you consider a friend.
“Why her house?” Alex asked dumbly. You just rolled your eyes and pushed open the gate. You walked down the street and away from Bryce’s house. It wasn’t that far of a walk to Hannah’s, but you hadn’t been there in so long you had to think back on street names so not to get lost. You made it to her door 15 minutes after leaving. You knocked a few times, rocking on your feet as you waited for an answer.
“Hello-Oh! Y/N, hi!” Hannah greeted you, pulling you inside without a second thought. You smiled as Hannah told you to relax and asked if you needed anything.
“I’m fine Hannah, really.” You said as she lead you into her bedroom.
“Are you sure? My parents aren’t home so we can stuff ourselves with enough junk food to feed an elephant.” You let out a giggle as the two of you walked into her room.
“I’m okay. Well not really but, yeah.” You said, standing awkwardly in her room while Hannah flopped down on her bed. Her long hair fanned out against her pillow, making it look like she was an angel; maybe she was.
“What happened?” Hannah asked as she moved to sit up. You shook your and looked around her room. Her walls were littered with photos of family and friends from her home town, band posters and doodles. You looked back at her and saw that she was patting the spot next to her on her bed. “Come, sit, tell me of what haunts my precious Y/N.” You laughed at the goofy voice she used but sat next to her anyway.
“It’s just my brother, you started, “he’s been hanging out with the wrong crowd. Like Bryce and Justin. They’re not good influences on him.” Hannah nodded as you spoke, taking in your words. “And I always have to go over to Bryce’s house because that’s where Alex goes after school. It’s just annoying. Bryce is annoying.”
“How so,” Hannah asked, her voice weary. You locked eyes with her, wondering if you should tell her. Her blue eyes looked at you with a sincerity you haven’t seen in awhile. The concern on her face was overwhelming, convincing you to tell her.
“Bryce flirts all the time. Like he says sexual things sometimes and it’s gross. He also doesn’t seem to know that I like personal space, or space away from him. I had to tell all of them that I had to study in order to get out of there.” You looked away from her, down at your hands that fiddled with your fingers; to hide the tears that had escaped your eyes. Suddenly, Hannah placed her own hand over yours, stopping your fidgeting. You looked up and saw how close she was.
“Me and my Mom can drop you after school. You can stay over after school, I just want you away from Bryce.” You were a little shocked at her bluntness, but appreciated her protectiveness. “Really Y/N, let me help. You don’t have to hang around your brother’s friends. ”
“Yeah, but it was nice when he was friends with you. I missed hanging out with you, even Jessica,” you teased. Hannah smiled and brushed a piece of hair from your face.
“I missed you too,” she whispered in return. Your felt your heart flutter at her words. “I wanted to see you,” she said, “but it looked like you were okay. I’ve should’ve-” You cut Hannah’s speech by pressing your lips to hers. As inexperienced as you were, you had the basic idea on what to do. As you moved your mouth against hers, Hannah smiled into the kiss.
“Yeah, I really missed you,” she mumbled against your lips. You let out a soft giggle as you rested your forehead against hers. You smiled brightly at each other before you spoke up.
“I-I uh, I like you.” Hannah’s smile grew impossibly wider. “Since my Freshman year,” you added, “I always wondered how someone could be so wonderful and pretty.” You ran your fingers through the hair that had fallen over your shoulder.
“I like you too.” She whispered and you felt a wave of affection wash over you. “Do you wanna watch a movie on my laptop? A documentary for you know, studying purposes. We wouldn’t want to like now would we?” You nodded while Hannah grabbed her laptop and settled on her bed. You laid down next to her, resting your head on her shoulder.
“Ok Y/N, this is the biggest choice of your life,” Hannah teased. “Walking with Dinosaurs, a Space Documentary, or Why Sharks Attack?” You laughed and choose one of the movies. It didn’t really matter to you though; you were too caught up in the warmth of Hannah’s body to care about anything else. You cuddled closer to her as the movie started up, wondering how you got so lucky.
Mr. and Mrs. Baker came home a little later than they had planned. Mrs. Baker crept towards Hannah’s bedroom, hearing the sound of a movie being played. She peeked through the slightly open door and saw Y/N Standall curled up next to her daughter. She rested a hand on her heart, internally cooing at the sight. She walked off down the hall, happy to tell her husband that moving was the right choice after all.
#hannah baker#hannah baker imagines#hannah baker imagine#hannah baker x reader#hannah baker oneshot#hannah baker one shot#13rw#13rw imagines#13 reasons why#13 reasons why imagines
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Survival is anything but typical
I don’t work hard at positivity and happiness and self care because I’m privileged or neurotypical or never had anything bad happen to me ever.
Why would someone with such a perfect (and not real, no one has this) life and brain and body need to work so hard for those things?
Maybe we need to ask ourselves that before we call every person or coping method *~neurotypical~* and be assholes about it. Maybe just don’t be an asshole at all, because neurotypical is not an insult? Why have we turned it into an insult? I’m really uncomfortable with “haha i make the assumption that ur brain is more on the normal side bc u recommended something to help, fuck u”, that’s really immature and gross.
Unless you can literally see into someone’s brain, unless you’re someone’s actual neurologist or something, maybe don’t assume you know whether or not their brain is “normal” based on something that is annoying but ultimately just harmless ignorance like, “hey, I know you’re in a lot of pain everyday, maybe this one type of yoga is something that could help, I saw it in a documentary!”
Like, let’s talk about that for a second. As a disabled person (physical and mental yay), these are the things I work hard at to try to make life more bearable and to stay alive because my conditions and the high levels of pain I’m almost always in literally almost caused me to end my own life: meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, herbs, self-massage, journaling, and there are more things like treatments I get or going to the sauna but those are just the things I do myself.
Guess what people who do not have such illnesses are constantly suggesting to me?
Me: *confesses to someone my illnesses and struggles*
Them: Oh! You know, yoga might help—
Me: Yeah, I do it twice a day. Really helps my spine out.
Them: Have you tried medit—
Me: Two or more times a day, Primordial Sound as well as Vedic mantras and yeah, it’s really great for so many things.
Them: My cousin’s husband’s niece does this thing where they get the oil from thyme leaves, you know like the stuff you cook with—
Me: Yeah, I know, I use white thyme oil actually, it’s excellent for nerve pain and fatigue.
This is literally. Every new person. I meet. Who learns about my status as a person with incurable debilitating chronic illnesses. It’s exhausting and when I’m cranky all I can think is “what the fuck you just learned that I’ve been sick for several years and you think I never tried fucking yoga??????” But I don’t say that because I don’t wanna be a dick for no reason. That would make me a dick. There is no scenario where I would not be a dick for acting that way. People are not mind readers, the universe doesn’t revolve around me, strangers do not know what I’ve tried. My sister has tagged me in self care stuff in instagram that I already knew about, so should I call her a “fucking neurotypical” and be an asshole when she’s trying to help her little sis out? Sure, if I wanna be a dick.
My anger and frustration and suffering is not an excuse for me to be an asshole and snap at them and insult them for not knowing any better, for not understanding that yes, these things are very helpful and I already do them but they’re not cures and every person with illness is different and has to find different things that work for them. Yoga is great for me but might be too hard for others. In fact sometimes yoga is too hard for me if I’m having a bad flare up and I can barely stretch my arms without getting woozy.
I’m just cracking up imagining some tumblr “blogger” at a healing center constantly interrupting a self-care lecture like “UM IMAGINE BEING THIS NEUROTYPICAL LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!” in a room full of sick and disabled people who are desperate to learn ways to improve their functionality and lessen suffering. You would look like an idiot and an asshole.
When my self-care is mocked, my survival is mocked. When my survival is mocked, my will to live is mocked. When my will to live is mocked, my life is a joke then, isn’t it? I’m just a joke. Look at New, what a joke she is, making a yoga routine and sticking to it, what a joke she is, working hard to be nice and patient with people even when they piss her the hell off and on the inside she’s screaming. She must be #neurotypical lololololololol but oh wait her brain literally didn’t have enough bloodflow most of her life and her brainstem was compressed to the point where her brain couldn’t talk to her organs properly looool so #typical #amirite
I’m positive because on the inside, I’m actually very negative. The truth is, I hate myself. I hate my guts. I hate my voice, my face, my handwriting, my art, my videos, my life, my work, everything. It takes so much work to go about daily life with this much hatred for myself and sometimes it’s so overwhelming that my brain goes, “you don’t even deserve a heating pad or pain meds or acupuncture, you should just suffer and die and free your family from the burden of having to take care of you, and your friends will be much happier with you gone because then they won’t have to hear you complain all the time about how much pain you’re in!” I feel that I’ll never make my father proud, I’ll never be “someone”, I’ll never be happy, I’ll never find love, I’ll probably drop dead by age 30 and the thought is mostly “eh whatever” to me because I do not value myself and I’m constantly pushing myself precisely because of, wait for it and I hate that I’m saying this, internalized ableism is so deep in me that I do not feel that I’m worth what other people are worth. So my brain thinks, “it’s okay for YOU to make yourself suffer just to spare this actually able person a simple inconvenience because you are not of any value.”
Literally that is my brain nearly every day and I have so many up and down moodswings that I’m almost constantly overwhelmed by it. I work so hard to keep that shit locked in tight because if I don’t, it manifests as passive aggression and meanness and I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE. I DON’T. During very imbalanced and very sick times in my life, I was that person. I was awful. I was so deeply depressed and angry and suicidal that I acted like a fucking lunatic! I was mean! I was abusive! I was NOT A GOOD NEW! This was my mental illnesses aggravated by physical illnesses at their absolute worst.
It’s not neurotypical to want to be a better person.
It’s not neurotypical to do my best with what I have and be grateful for what I have.
It’s not neurotypical to look on the bright side even when everything looks shitty.
Like. I can barely work right now. I’m in my late 20′s. My 20′s are gone because I spent them sick instead of having normal life experiences. Last year I kissed someone for the first time in almost a decade, because illness kind of gets in the way of any kind of romantic life. One of my fears has happened. I’m too sick to do the work I love right now. It’s terrifying and I hate myself for it, I can’t stop feeling so horrible and feeling like I’m so weak for needing this time to heal and not using it to be working hard on set or advancing my career, and I have to maybe face the reality that I’m just done for and that was all I was going to be able to squeeze out of my poor sick body.
So you know what I do to deal with these feelings?
I meditate. I make lists of the things I’m grateful for. I look for the abundance so that I won’t tunnel vision on the lack. Because otherwise all I see is lack, all I see is my pain, all I see is my empty wallet, my debt, my bruises, my vomit, my tears, my blood, my tiny studded belt in my shaking hands.
So bite my disabled ass. It’s finely toned from all the yoga I do, so be careful not to shatter your teeth.
#anti-recovery#suicide#tw#chronic illness#personal#teku#alright oats felt time for yoga and meditation#WITH LOTS OF PEACE MANTRAS SUCKASSSSS
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Reflection
hey journal!
i am doing a lot better mentally and i’ve received a ton of free food so im one happy gal, haha! i know i had a pretty rough start the first few days of this week but I am doing a lot better now. I’m feeling much more optimistic!
Real quick before I dive into this...
I made a comment on Angela’s interest in Dear Evan Hansen and made a “mock” argument of sorts with her and went unnecessarily into detail on a stupid topic and I thought it’d just be fun banter at first but from her tone in response, I think she actually took me seriously? So I just messaged her to clear the air bc I really do want to get better and avoid offending or hurting anyone bc that’s really not my intention.
I do want to care more about how others feel and think in an understanding sense but not so much in a im afraid what they’ll think of me sense. bc i dont want to fall down that path. i think the biggest thing i need to remember is my confidence and to rest assured that I am made perfectly in God’s image but to more importantly, come from a place of love when I am talking to other people. “Am I really caring about how they feel and think right now? How can I best serve them to do that?” Those kinds of thoughts. Which is different from “What do they think of me? Did I do something wrong? What can I do so they like me?” It isn’t an issue of how they view me but rather how I can best serve them. Which, I think the line will get pretty cloudy down the line but so long as I remember this, I think I’ll be fine.
I also worry for Jason bc like I mentioned before, I think he’s in a position where he feels the need to take care of everyone in a world where everyone is too afraid to approach anyone themselves. And I really don’t think Angela likes me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I pushed her too much or said something ill timed. My theory is that when she found out someone else goes to Columbia, she was hoping I would be her saving grace of sorts and we’d immediately click. But we didn’t. And I didn’t save her. Because we’re just very different people. She calls me out for things pretty often and I do appreciate her blunt nature but sometimes, it is a bit discouraging. If I knew she was calling me out from a place of love and caring, I think I would be fine. But it feels like she’s constantly judging me. And I worry that she vents to Jason about me and he feels the need to defend me because we’re friends. And I don’t want him to face that. No wonder he’s been feeling so burnt out recently. He can be immature at times but other times, he’s above us all. He’s been through a lot and been forced to grow because of it. His sense of humor is immature but mentally, he’s way wiser than us all. At least, us college kids. No wonder he would prefer to hangout with Catalyst over us. I thought I was pretty mature and could match his level but I think I was wrong. Especially after everything he told me and how poorly I initially responded to it. I must admit that I’m not as mature as I originally thought. Maybe I’m just surrounded by a bunch of people less mature than I am. A lot of the times, I think I’m only prideful bc of my low self esteem but that’s not true. I’m actually insanely prideful and it blinds me a lot. When I speak with clarity, I know that it’s true and I have full confidence in what I say. But lately, I have been speaking in the heat of the moment, clouded with emotions. And that’s...a pretty immature thing to do. I need to pray for more guidance and wisdom and clarity from God bc I can’t do this without Him. I do genuinely want to get better. I do genuinely want to exude passion and wisdom and love. I do think I used to be an incredibly compassionate person but I’ve fallen a long way since then. Just because I’m “wise” around my sister doesn’t mean I’m always super mature. I definitely have my own flaws and weaknesses and it would do me good to be more aware of those things. To not speak before I’ve gathered all the facts and to actually take into account how everyone else is feeling and where they are before speaking.
I was salty before that P. Josh didn’t appoint me as outreach person instead of Christine but I’ve definitely rubbed some people the wrong way. In trying to reach out, I messed up our relationship without realizing it and that’s on me. I didn’t realize I had hurt Chaeweon. I thought we both just grew busy. We were both filled with so much excitement at first and then it just went so bad so fast. And that was totally my fault for not realizing I made her feel stupid and less than. That was never my intention but I do admit I felt good when I bragged about my own decision making skills. Instead of trying to be empathetic with her, I made myself look better and that was really wrong of me. And I do genuinely feel bad. I do want to apologize though I don’t know if it would actually help anything. She said it was fine but I think she was still hurt. And I don’t want to apologize for the sake of making myself feel better but I want to make sure my intentions are pure and true and apologize with her in mind.
Sigh.
Iiii apologized! We’ll see how she responds but I don’t really expect her to respond at all. I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Maybe it was just for myself or maybe it was God placing it on my heart to say something. Who knows. But I do know that I want to make the most of these opportunities when I feel like I should do something. Whether that’s to reach out to someone sitting alone or apologize or give food to the homeless or sing on the streets, I want to do it with full confidence and unashamedly! Because I’m walking with the Lord on my side. And if I shall die today, then I shall die today because that is His Will and I trust in what He says.
But yeah!
I’m actually not sure when I last posted was but yesterday, I just had History of Communication Design and thankfully, I got the full credit! I was so scared bc I totally knocked out from exhaustion the night prior instead of working on my homework for Graphic Design III and Developing a Marketing Plan. Wow, my brain is all over the place. Backtrack.
SO!
On WEDNESDAY, I had negotiation skills and graphic design III but my DMP homework was DUE at 12:30pm that day. Which is why I was stressing! So I quickly finished my American Girl Research and then worked on Facebook on the bus! I was going to work on it offline but then the extension didn’t work and then I was going to wait it out but my worries got the best of me and I just turned on my data and worked on it on my phone with my research opened in front of me on my laptop and quickly turned it in. I wish I didn’t worry so much about the formatting because Gina showed us an example of a really good one in class the next day and if I had only known that we had the freedom to break apart from the mold, I would have done that too! Ahhhhhhhhhhh. But oh well. Now I know! But in DMP, I remember we got into our groups and I got along with everyone really well! It is kind of hard bc in everyday conversation, I feel the need to constantly be checking myself and wondering if I’m saying “I” too much or being selfish or making the conversation about me instead of actually listening.
I can’t find my mouse but I guess I’ll find it later. Oh shoot! When I start typing, my cursor disappears from the screen! Interesting...anyways. I got along really well with my groupmates and I did falter under immediate pressure but picked myself back up relatively quickly! But we talked about Jane the Virgin, Titanic, BBC shows, The Walking Dead, and a bunch of other things and I’m really blessed to be in their group! At least that’s how I feel for now. We’ll see how I feel once we actually start working on the project...in fact, I’m going to try and finish my part of the research today so that I don’t forget about and can just get it over and done with now. Because I have so many responsibilities, I’m always afraid that I’m going to forget something. Speaking of which, I need to remember I have a meeting with Jenny tonight at 10pm! AHHH! MUST. REMEMBER! But yeah! I just closed Facebook bc the longer I stare at it, the more I’m going to expect a response and I don’t want to make any more mistakes so I just closed the tab so as to no longer think about it.
I’ll write more about Wednesday and Friday in a bit but first, I want to type this out.
When Jason revealed to me the areas in which I lack, I got to thinking some more and wondered what areas I have lacked in the past and how I could have done better. Yearbook has been the bane of my existence and that is something that I can never really escape. But for a while, I just blamed them for everything. For treating me poorly. For not making an effort to get along with me. But honestly, I never made an effort to get along with them either. I just let them do them and let me do me. But I’ve always wondered. There are definitely some people who I just know are always talking smack about me and I always wondered if the van ligten’s thought i was doing that to them. I remember when Jasmine called me and I missed it but called back in worry, hoping she was okay. And by her tone and what she said, I think they thought I thought I was cooler than them. But I never did. I had a lot of anxiety and depression and I was really struggling at home. But I never let them in. I never let them know or made an effort to be friends with them. And that was partly my fault. I did micromanage a lot and was very controlling. And I was insanely prideful for having expected the position of EIC so early on. I was absolutely heartbroken when that happened and I felt like my whole life was a sham. But without it, I never would’ve come back to God. He really did break me. So fully. And I definitely broke. But whatever I would’ve felt as EIC does not compare to the newfound love I have with God in my life. I want to constantly strive to do better. I want to be more than what I am here on this Earth. And I know that with Him on my side, anything is possible.
But back to Wednesday! It started raining! And I took up another shift at work! I was kind of freaking out bc I wasn’t sure if I just made a grave error in choosing to work 4 days a week again with all these extra responsibilities and priorities. But I think I’ll be okay! At least I hope so! But I went to Waffle Wednesday and briefly spoke with Claire, Jamal, and this other girl whose name I cannot remember...and it was great! Graphic Design III went pretty smoothly and I feel like Dan was weirdly nice to me this past week during that class and the week prior? Maybe he’s just trying to be a nicer person but it’s borderline flirting. But he also definitely has a girlfriend so I’ve been kinda confused... Regardless, I’m going to continue observing and see if he really is being extra nice or if I’m just tripping. I also told Evelyn about it in class today and she said that she noticed him talking to her more recently when he never usually did so maybe he just had a change of heart? Who knows. I don’t think I want him to ask me out. If he did, I think I would just be stunned and need to get back to him. I think a part of me hopes that he does want to so that I know I’m a desirable person and I would be tempted to say yes but ultimately say no bc I do know I have so much of my own baggage to sort through still and I think I would constantly be trying so hard to please him and be the version of me that he likes instead of just being able to relax with my partner in crime. So...that’s that. But after class. it was pouring rain! And I had no umbrella! So I put my stussy jacket over my backpack and just went for it in the rain bc I needed to go grocery shoppping! And honestly, my groceries were not nearly as expensive as I was afraid they’d be so I really hope tomorrow night goes well for the potluck! ^_^ This is my first real opportunity to host so I want to do well! :D
And then today... it was pretty straightforward and simple. I waited a bit for the bus this morning and was afraid I’d miss pancakes but I didn’t! And it was so much better than I could’ve ever imagined! There was bacon, sausage, and two types of pancakes! And all my favorite people were there! So many people from my work or people I’ve had past classes with or different faculty members I got along with really well. I was really happy! I laughed in joy with a girl I vaguely remember and everytime someone left from our table, another person would join. And I’m really so glad and blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people and feel so at home. Once again, I feel much more at home with the people at school than I ever have with the people at church. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Then I worked on some homework, went to History of Communication Design with Hannah, got along with a couple new people, yelled at Richard from across the room, got my questions answered, and overall, had a good time. Then I went to my e-board meeting, we had fun, fooled around, danced, and got a lot done. Then Tina and I spent some good time together just chatting it up in the weird 618/624 building hybrid room and I’m glad. I went to the 9th floor, thinking I could get my textbook hw done but unfortunately, IT WAS CLOSED. So I just went home instead. Oh! Joyce also gave Tina and I both food to take home and it was bomb.com! Anyway, my week started pretty shitty but it got progressively better and I feel both honored and blessed.
Thank you God!
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1-117 do it :')
Okay fine, I suppose I did ask for it 😜
1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?
How people can be so blind and ignorant. It confuses me.
2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?
Yes I do sometimes and it’s quite nice.
3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?
I’d prefer it, but he doesn’t.
4: Do you find it easy to trust others?
No.
5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?
Probably something with the reptiles or on here.
6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?
God lmfao
7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
I called into work and managed to through my incoherent babbling tell them I couldn’t come in, screamed and threw shit, cried, lots of crying. Burned some of his stuff and threw other stuff off a cliff. I’m not going to type the rest because it went on for awhile and I’m not proud of the shit I did afterwards. Now I’d just move the fuck on.
8: Are you close with your dad?
I met my bio Dad when I was 14, it’s been weird. We are ok now but I wouldn’t say close. My Dad who isn’t biological my Dad, I am very close to. He’s the shit!
9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?
You win!!!
10: What are you listening to?
Schneider skinks digging around in the sand.
11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?
Gasp get ready for this….WATER!!!
12: Do you like hickeys?
Not where people can see them, but I like them.
13: What time do you go to bed?
Four am ish.
14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
Yea that would be my Mother.
15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?
Naw bitch.
16: Do you always answer your texts?
No, no I do not.
17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?
No, I don’t.
18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
Today.
19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
Quite a few people actually :)
20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
Did I remember to turn off all the geckos UVBs?
21: Is anyone else in the room with you?
Human, no.
22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?
I do, that’s why some people don’t even have friends or people who like them or even a place to live because no one wants them around :3
23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?
Nope, the opposite.
24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?
A couple people I suppose.
25: In the past week, have you cried?
I have several mental illnesses, crying is just part of my life lmao.
26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?
It’s black, like my soul.
27: Do people ever call you by your last name?
Like one person.
28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?
Not that I know of.
29: Do you have a best friend?
I have a couple.
30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?
Yea, yea it would be.
31: Who was your last call/text message from?
My father.
32: Are you mad at anyone?
I’m always mad fam 😜😡
33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
I have.
34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?
He will be 26.
35: How many more days until your birthday?
277 days until I turn 24!
36: Do you have any summer plans yet?
I’m leasing a horse, hopefully vending at the Vic reptile expo, lots of beach time/hikes with my boys. So not a lot so far no.
37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?
I do have a few .
38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?
Not intentionally, if anything.
39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?
Yes?
40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
I have, yes yes I have.
41: Do you think age matters in relationships?
If it’s legal, then who cares?
42: Are you available?
Noooo.
43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?
Less than one handful.
44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?
All of them. Lol I have/have had so many, maybe some dermals?
45: Do you believe exes can be friends?
Yes, I’m friends with a few.
46: Do you regret anything?
Everyone regrets something, I regret yes but you can’t change shit so why dwell.
47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
That new boa coming, I can’t stop thinking about him and all the gorgeous babies I’ll be producing soon.
48: Did you ever lose a best friend?
Yea I’ve lost a couple, some I’ve more just distanced myself for my own well being.
49: Was your last kiss a mistake?
No it was great.
50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?
I don’t have to, he’s snuggling me lol.
51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?
Uh yea.
52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?
Everyday.
53: What was the last thing you ate?
Green grapes motherfucker.
54: Did you get any compliments today?
I sure did 😊
55: Where are you going on your next vacation?
Well that probably won’t be for awhile but somewhere in South America or New Zealand. I’ll think about it more in depth when it becomes more likely to happen soon.
56: Do you own anything from other countries?
A White lipped python I imported from Indonesia, coins from around the world, bits and bobs from England
57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?
A mix of both.
58: Where have you lived most of your life?
BC
59: When was the last time you took a long drive?
My friend and I went for a decently long drive last night, and we got tea as well :)
60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
Yes yes I have.
61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?
No lmao, do people actually do that?
62: Who do you text the most?
Hmmm I don’t know, I message a fair amount of people on the daily. Probably Emily, Joel, Amelia, or Alyssa.
63: What was the last movie you saw?
Mechanic: Resurrection 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?
Oh boy, I could write a book on this 😂😂😂
65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?
None that were significant lmao.
66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?
Older.
67: Do you curse around your parents?
I sure fucking do, but I try to tone it down.
68: Are you happy with where you live?
Yea it’s pretty decent for the price and the town I live in.
69: Picture of yourself?
Tomorrow I’ll post one, promise :) Like I have said before I don’t know how to attach a photo to these on mobile cause I’m dumb shit.
70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?
Monogamous.
71: Have you ever been dumped?
I have been dumped once, I didn’t like it very much.
72: What do you most like about making out?
All of it ? I like lip biting and teasing.
73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?
I’m a bit of a hoe so yes, a lot of people. Girls, guys. I like to have a good time and I didn’t give a fuck when I was younger.
74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?
I think not, maybe 68% of the time.
75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?
In a girl, I love curves…hips and soft thighs oh fuck me!!! In a guy I’d say chest and shoulders.
76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
Joel.
77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?
Shhhh noooooo , maybe, yes fuck D: Maybe it was a little over an hour, had to have been. I don’t know for this one for sure.
78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?
Nope!
79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
Reptiles 😊
80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
Yes, I would. I did.
81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
Only a lot. We call them Zanbies 😜
82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
I hate the word crush, it’s irritating. I usually would tell a few people.
83: Do you miss your last sweetie?
😂 hehe sweetie? That’s cute. Sure sometimes maybe for a brief second.
84: Last time you slow danced with someone?
Last week, awkwardly in the living room.
85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?
Yes? I suppose when I was like 14.
86: How can I win your heart?
You can’t, I don’t know you 😜
87: What is your astrological sign?
Aquarius.
88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Probably the same thing I was doing at 11pm.
89: Do you cook?
I can, I don’t do a ton of it if I can avoid it. I cook for Jasper.
90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?
I have yes.
91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
I’m not though.
92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
I prefer to do whatever it is that I feel like doing at the time.
93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
I don’t, if I like them I like them.
94: Name four things that you wish you had!
My own house.My own horse.My own storefront/shop.My own dog(s). Presa Canario and Great Dane.
95: Are you a player?
I don’t think so.
96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?
I’ve kissed more than two people in one day.
97: Are you a tease?
I’ve been told I am. I don’t know maybe.
98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?
Not someone that I didn’t already know.
99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?
Yes I have.
100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?
If I was single, a couple yes.
101: Hugs or Kisses?
Both!!
102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Nope!
103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes!
104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
I like it.
105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?
Lololololololol
106: Do you flirt a lot?
Yea I think I do. I’m flirty, it’s part of my personality. I’m not even aware of it most of the time.
107: Your last kiss?
Was right after he blew his load in my mouth.You so needed to know that, right!?
108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?
Yes, I have.
109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?
Durrrrrrrr
110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
Jason Momoa!!!!
111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?
My boyfriend.
112: Does someone like you currently?
Uh I’d like to think the man I’m dating lmao.
113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?
Other than my boyfriend? Nope
114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
I liked flings a lot. But serious relationships have a lot more benefits.115: Ever made out with just a friend?
Yes yes I have.
116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I wasn’t very happy when I was recently (before Jasper) single, but I was going through some fucked up insane shit. I wasn’t very happy in my relationship until recently either. I’m still not at times, but no ones relationship is perfect. My boyfriend can be a dick, but I also have a severe personality disorder and several other mental illnesses that affect our relationship. That’s why we go to counselling and work on learning the tools no one ever taught us, so we can actually have a healthy relationship. And oh god yea it’s been shit in the past, and I’ve vented on here because some of you actually are supportive and caring. And sometimes after a long day a few kind words make me feel a thousand times better. But!!! Most of the time now it’s good between us. We are working on bettering ourselves and supporting each other. I still go to bed alone and bawl my eyes out some nights, but I choose to do that. I push him away, that’s my fault. I’m happier than I was when I was single, but honestly every relationship has its issues and you have to keep working at it everyday.
117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.
Uhhhhhh ok, why do you follow me?
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a giant update!
posted first here bc yolo
roadmap-
the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:
other stuff i did today!
closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)
things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.
oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style.
okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy
anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.
then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.
okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:
january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).
another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.
someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.
also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it
ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(
a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol
during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.
but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about
things i look forward to!
feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load
march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl
april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?
may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?
summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.
okay i’m sleepy bye
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