#I spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not Andrew really thought that he was talking about Riko.
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contemplating the conversation Neil and Andrew (and Renee) have in the locker room at the beginning of The King's Men.
"I've never understood why he likes knives"
Such simple words should not have gotten the reaction they did. Andrew went still and looked up, but he didn't look at Neil. He looked at Renee, so Neil did too. She'd stopped mid-sentence to stare at Neil, but the Renee studying him wasn't the Foxes redeemed optimist. Her sweet smile was gone and the too-blank look on her face reminded Neil of Andrew. Neil instinctively tensed for flight-or-flight. Before his body figured out what to do, Renee shifted her inscrutable gaze to Andrew.
They stared each other down, soundless and still, oblivious to the bewildered looks their teammates sent between them. (pg. 34)
And comparing it to Son Nefes (Extra Content)
"You could have chosen a weapon you were more comfortable with," Renee said.
"It made sense at the time to pick it up," Andrew said with an expansive shrug. "He liked knives, and I like beating people at their own game."
and
"Do you know why I learned to fight with knives?" Renee asked. [..........]"He was older than me, and bigger than me, and stronger than me, so I had to find a way to fight him. He liked knives," she said, and Andrew flicked her a quick look she couldn't decipher, "so I decided to use them against him. I wanted to beat him at his own game, too."
ANYWAYS. I just thought I'd put all that in one single place because :))))
Especially since in TRK, when Neil and Renee talk, she says "But if you are as like us as we first predicted you to be, perhaps one day you can also come to see me as a friend."
Also the general fact that, there is a certain sense of... interest to me, I guess in the fact that Neil was purposely vague in hopes that everyone in the room would think he was speaking of Riko, when really he was talking about his father, who's his own monster from his past, and comparably made the two of them think of their own. Renee confirms this later to him(when she offers to teach him to wield knives), and Neil actually wonders about Andrew in that conversation as well.
#my posts#I spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not Andrew really thought that he was talking about Riko.#simply because Andrew knows about his scars (he hasn't seen them yet here but)#and honestly I'm not even sure that NEIL wanted Andrew to think it was about Riko.#I am at least 80% under the impression he only wanted his other teammates to think that. Otherwise why say anything at all?#Neil spends a LOT of time thinking about how to use his words and how to say things.#I also think it's interesting that Andrew and Renee both chose to learn knife skills in SPITE of their trauma#whereas Neil would (probably literally) rather die than be like his father#kinda ends up going back to that whole fight/flight thing in that context.#anyways this was worded badly but eh (by badly I mean 'barely at all' because it's 90% just quotes)#I'm tired#as a side note I have mixed feelings about the EC but I do like Son Nefes#actually I like almost all the EC that refers to their backstories rather than things that happen post canon#but anyway that's a different post for a different day#aftg#Neil Josten#Renee Walker#Andrew Minyard#Son Nefes#all for the game#the foxhole court#also im sure someone else has made this post already but 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
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Only An Almost (VII)
Chapter 7: Tender Bitterness
Hello!! Here is another chapter! So much angst in this fic, I’m sorry (no, I’m not).
I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!
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Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU
Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!
Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.
Word Count : 1759
Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist
“Stop cheating!”
“I’m not cheating!”
“Yes, you are.”
“I’m not!”
“You can’t use the same word twice.”
“Since when?”
“Since it’s in the rules.”
“You’re just a sore loser.”
“I’m not, you’re simply cheating!”
You gave him a toothy grin, the kind that made you absolutely adorable, that melted Andrew’s heart…
“It counts.”
“It doesn’t.”
You pouted, gave him your most adorable gaze…
God, you were so fucking annoying…
Andrew heaved a frustrated sigh, hiding his smile and reddening cheeks by grabbing the pen and paper set next to your game of scrabble and your cups of tea.
He counted in silence the points that belonged to you and wrote them down. When Andrew looked up again, you were grinning, clearly proud of yourself. You were so fucking annoying…
… he wanted to kiss that smirk off your face.
It was raining, you were both too lazy to go outside. You had eaten lunch with some friends, including Sam and Daphne who were being unbearably cute together, although the stress of the wedding was growing week after week. You were the one to offer Andrew to drop by to play some boardgame or just watch TV, or whatever. ‘Hang out’, that’s how you called it. You wanted to spend time with him. And Andrew hesitated at first, he thought you meant that you wanted to have sex. And it sounded crazy, knowing how he felt for you and how lovely you looked today and how he wanted to touch you right now… it sounded crazy to think that he didn’t want to have sex with you. And actually, he did want you. If you offered now, he would definitely say yes. But this conversation of yours during your hike was keeping him up at night. He didn’t know what to make of it.
You would never give him a proper chance, he knew that now. The only choice that remained was to enjoy having you by his side for as long as he could, or stop seeing you altogether. He wouldn’t be able to be your friend now. Not after losing all hope, not after learning what it felt like to be yours and for you to be almost his… he couldn’t do it.
So he tried to put more distance between the two of you this past week. It didn’t really work, for the friends part of your relationship. But the ‘benefits’ were down to zero. Andrew wasn’t sure whether he felt good or bad about it.
“Thanks, Andy!”
He mumbled some incoherent answer, playing off annoyance, when the words had simply remained stuck in his throat as you beamed up at him.
Yeah, he wasn’t doing too well…
You both grew quiet as Andrew was thinking, staring at the letters displayed before him. He was losing, by a lot, but then again, his head was everywhere but on the game at hand. It was fun though, you were fun.
He laughed at another stupid joke you said, and forgot the word he had thought of to play. You were laughing as well, and he bathed in the warmth of your smile, in your witty remarks, in how much fun he was having. For a moment, the weight of your relationship was lifted from his heart and shoulders. After all, you could have shared such a moment being friends, or even in a relationship. You could have laughed with him like this too, if you loved him…
“And that is how I will die of boredom… you’re no craic!” you complained, pouting dramatically to make him laugh.
And you easily succeeded, he giggled and it made him blush, the way his heart skipped a beat at how adorable you looked.
“If you stopped talking, maybe I’d be faster.”
“Are you blaming me for your lack of vocabulary?”
“Sorry, who writes lyrics here?”
“Sorry, Mr. Poet. I know your art demands patience and devotion.”
“Exactly, so please, be quiet from now on. I must summon the Muses.”
“If I shove the letters into your mouth, will that help, Virgil?”
“So violent…”
He was struggling not to laugh too loudly all the same.
“Feed the board. It demands your offering.”
“You’re fucking mad.”
“Says you!”
“Says me… here you go.”
He placed a word on the board, nothing too fancy, nothing that would allow him to win. You glanced over at the letters he had left and frowned.
“You could win more points if you moved your word and used the plural.”
“Really? I didn’t see it. Too late now.”
But you picked up the letter, moved his word around.
“Isn’t that cheating?” he chuckled.
“I’m just helping. You’re not focused today.”
Your voice was infinitely gentle as you spoke, there was worry tainting your tone. Andrew looked up at you with a questioning frown.
“I just… you look… you seem a little off these days, Andy,” you went on, clearly cautious in the words you chose. “Is everything okay?”
He struggled to swallow.
“’Course. I’m fine.”
“You know you can talk to me if something’s wrong, right?”
But Andrew shook his head, offering you a reassuring smile.
“I’m perfectly fine. There is no need for you to worry.”
The look you gave him pierced his heart. You looked at him like you… like you were hurting with him. How ironic, considering that you were the reason his body and soul were aching now…
“I’m worried about you. I hate seeing you sad.”
He let out a bitter scoff, he couldn’t help it.
“Like you care,” he spat with more venom in his tone than he meant to let out.
You looked at him with wide eyes, blinking in surprise.
“Of course, I care… why would you say that?”
“You…”
He heaved a frustrated sigh.
“Never mind,” he mumbled under his breath.
“What’s wrong with you? We’ve been friends for years, you’re… you’re one of the most important people in my life… how could you say that? God, we… we’ve slept together. And you think I don’t care?”
His jaw clenched, he struggled to blink tears away. He took in a deep breath.
“I… I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m a little lost. In my life, I mean. In… in everything… I don’t know what to do.”
You silently invited him to keep going. The rain was louder outside, the sky so dark you could have turned on the lights.
“I… I don’t know… I have a decision to take, and I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t want to tell me the specifics?”
“No… honestly, no, I don’t want to.”
“Okay. Well… what would make you happier? I reckon that’s all you need to ask yourself.”
“I don’t know. I feel like I’m gonna be on the losing side no matter what.”
Slowly, you nodded, but your frown was enough to tell him that you had no clue what he was talking about. You pondered his words for a moment.
“Y/N… I don’t think you can help anyway. I just have to figure this out on my own. Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine. I’m simply worried about something, that’s all.”
Slowly, you nodded, although you seemed unconvinced.
“Can I do something to make you feel better?”
You opened your arms for him.
“A hug?”
He chuckled fondly at you. Even if he tried to be mad at you, he simply couldn’t. You were too sweet for that…
“Sure, come here.”
You yielded easily, standing up to hug him. Sitting in his chair you were a little taller than him, for once. He breathed deeply your scent as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. He felt his bones melting under your touch as you stroked his hair, a palm splayed reassuringly across his spine, as if to support his frame. You kissed his forehead, and he almost cried with the tenderness of your gesture.
He held you tightly, more so than he should have, but you didn’t seem to mind, accepting the way he clung unto you.
“What if I ordered some pizza and we watched some disgustingly sweet movie together tonight?”
He hummed in approval.
“Sounds nice,” he answered in a sigh.
“If you’re nice to me, I’ll let you have some of my favourite whiskey.”
“When am I ever not nice to you?”
“When you try to prevent me from cheating at scrabble?”
“It’s called being a law-abiding citizen. You should try sometimes.”
“Huh, huh…. No thanks. I’d rather remain a rascal.”
He chuckled into your neck, sending vibrations through your skin, and he noticed the way it made you shiver.
God, if you held him like that, if you reacted this way to him… it ought to mean something… despite his job and the odds, perhaps one day you would…
He looked up at you when you gently pulled on his hair to guide him away from your neck. He thought you wanted to break free from the hug, and he almost protested, but then both of your hands were gently cradling his face, your thumbs brushing his bearded cheeks. Before he could realize what you were doing, you were pressing your lips to his, in the gentlest, most tender kiss he had ever been given. It was loving. He was shocked by the intimacy of it, how much care and love you were putting into the gesture. Andrew couldn’t remember ever being kissed so lovingly…
When you pulled away, he had to blink a few times to force his brain back into action.
And you looked down at him with so much fondness in your smile, as if you felt the same adoration that coursed through every fibre of his being every time he looked at you, every time he as much as thought of you.
And what if he could change your mind?
None of you said anything. Andrew buried his face into your neck again, held you tight, and you welcomed him in your embrace with a pressing of your lips to his hairline. Not a kiss, just a resting of your lips onto his skin. You inhaled deeply enough for him to hear it, to think that perhaps you were committing his scent to memory too, the same he did with yours. And all the while, there was nothing sexual in your gestures. Only comfort and kindness and maybe even love, Andrew was foolish enough to think of the word.
There was no way you could have held him like this, and not feel a thing… right?
#hozier#andrew hozier byrne#the hoziest#hozier fanfiction#hozier fanfic#hozier x reader#hozier x y/n#hozier x you#hozier x fem!reader#hozier series#series#fanfiction#fanfic#writing
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aftg headcanon: dan and andrew actually become friends in dans senior year
so idr if this is in the ec or not but i think the upperclassmen had a great time at edens twilight on halloween and they end up going out with the monsters on a semi-regular basis. nora never mentions it but i reckon edens has a really nice smoking area where neil and andrew will go out for a cig. this is nothing groundbreaking so far BUT my hc is that dan used to smoke in high school (like on break at the club with her sisters), and still occasionally will crash a cig off someone when shes drunk. so please join me in picturing a Very trashed dan wilds pleading with a bemused andrew to give her a cigarette
also i love the idea of when andrew actually starts caring abt exy he seeks dan out to talk to her abt the team, like things hes noticed abt the backline or whatever. the first time dan about jumps out her skin when andrew is waiting for her after class but then he just wants to tell her about a new backline strategy hes thought of
OOH GOOD STUFF
I'm such a slut for the foxes becoming closer, especially inter-upperclassmen/monsters relationships so this is right up my lane. I think the upperclassmen DO start going out with the monsters and while Andrew probably has no interest in becoming close with the upperclassmen, Dan is the one most desperate for closer connection so I think she'd make a point of trying to learn what needs to be done and how to approach Andrew in the way that he'll accept. and I think it takes some time and a lot of being played with by Andrew before it becomes not unusual for them to be comfortable spending time with each other.
anyway I keep going back and forth on whether dan would be a smoker because I feel like she'd be the type of athlete to hate smoking/drugs (maybe?) but honestly for sake of this hc, fuck it. I think it'd also amuse Andrew to see the lengths she'd go to to get into his good books.
obsessedddd with the last point specifically because I see that happening even more clearly. I think he'd even prefer going to dan over Kevin or Neil because I think there's still that piece that wants to fight exy, that still doesn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing him enjoy it. but Dan will never be that important to him and she wouldn't see it as a big enough deal to draw attention to it.
maybe one time Andrew goes over to coach's place to annoy him and finds coach and dan drinking coffee and talking exy and Andrew makes a point of being uninvolved with the conversation, instead just walking around poking through coach's shit or making himself a shake with the ice cream that only he eats or pulling out all the books on coach's shelves. and then he settles himself on the floor with his shake still characteristically mute and looking bored until the conversation changes. but then the next day he meets Dan at her class or corners her after practice and says "here's why your strategy sucks: " and she's very startled that he was even paying attention enough to understand it, let alone to think about it for a whole day afterwards but she collects herself and goes back and forth with him and next time she's ready for it.
#I always feel like I don't know how to readtically do upperclassmen/monsters relationships (especially with the twins) because I feel#like they're hard to do in character even though I don't think that it's ooc for them to get closer#ajsjsjdj#aftg#🦊✉️
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Identity(V) Headcanons: Andrew Kreiss
This one is not a request, just the next in line for my general HCs! As usual, if you like my stuff, feel free to shoot me a request.
-Andrew is a very hot-and-cold person. Mostly cold. …Like 85% cold. But it’s hard to blame him when life’s given him nothing to really have faith in. Once upon a time he still believed that good people existed, but his faith just waned and waned, and that’s long been relegated to fantasy. It’s incredibly difficult to breach his hardened emotional walls now.
-He made a conscious decision to not care about others’ wellbeing years ago so he’s largely indifferent to happenings that don’t involve himself. He’s not interested in looking out for or helping people, defending or comforting them. He does his share of good when he puts them in the ground, and that ought to be enough. And if he takes them out again later…well, if souls are real they’re surely long gone, right?
-Everyone knows he’s got a nasty mouth, right? Andrew was rarely spoken to kindly when he was growing up, and he learned to take those words and turn them back on people to keep them away. If he was always going to be accused of being cursed or demonic or whathaveyou, why should he bother with decorum? He cusses regularly and has called people every cruel name under the sun at some point. The worst of it is reserved for retaliation against people who start talking shit first.
-Andrew is not a weak man. He’s tall and athletic, and he’s adept with a heavy-duty shovel. That is to say, he’s more than capable of defending himself. He strongly prefers to avoid physical confrontation, but he has spent years throwing around bodies and I can assure you it really makes no difference to him whether they still draw breath.
-When he does get along with someone, the old habits die hard. Andrew spends a lot of conversation time still tripping over his own tongue, rephrasing harsh things he says out of instinct to try and be gentler, and then getting visibly angry with himself. (He is also not great at hiding his emotions.) He’s constantly afraid that he’s going to run off the good things he has and be back to square one.
-In an effort to…make up for? Cover up? those snaps he can’t hold back, Andrew sometimes rambles for long stretches. These don’t happen in front of groups, but during one-on-one time with his loved ones. He’ll get onto some topic he’s familiar with (or not, if he’s desperate enough) and just run his mouth off like he’s trying to lure you away from a trap with a treat. He’s not above shoving an actual apology treat at people either, if one is available.
-While not always the best at communicating his thoughts, Andrew is very philosophical under the surface. He’s had a lot of alone time to think over the years, and he’s analyzed every angle he could come up with to rationalize and understand his lot. He would really enjoy having a friend or partner who is up for those deep, 2-am conversations about the meaning of life and the universe. His own views lean towards the despondent, but he’d like to hear something more optimistic too.
-Even when close with someone, Andrew doesn’t initiate many conversations. Unlike some of the other introverts in the manor, this isn’t because he’d rather be left alone but because he secretly likes when they seek him out. You coming to him is a very simple reminder that his company is enjoyable and desired.
-The best Love Language for Andrew is probably Quality Time. He would like any of them if it came from someone he genuinely learned to love and trust, but Quality Time is what you’d need to reach that cherished place in his heart. Andrew acts prickly as a defense mechanism, and he needs someone who’s willing to endure his snappiness and show him they wouldn’t prefer to spend their time and energy on someone else.
-Andrew is the type to admire things silently. He gives compliments very sparingly, so when he does give them you know he really means it.
-He is plagued by back and shoulder pains. It’s mostly from his profession, standing hunched over for hours on end, and it’s affected even his resting posture now. He doesn’t just curl in on himself as an anxiety thing, he is sore. Can the Baron please invite a chiropractor next? A masseuse? …Yoga instructor?
-He’s mostly nocturnal at this point. (The manor’s scheduling has messed that up, though.) It’s not just sun-sensitivity, but that he usually worked after sundown when people wouldn’t be around the graveyard to see him.
-He loves a good homecooked meal! The best foods are the ones prepared by someone who loves you, so he’d choose a mediocre dish at home to the fanciest restaurants in the world.
#idv x reader#identity v#identity v x reader#andrew kreiss#idv gravekeeper#andrew kreiss x reader#turbulentscrawl
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June 10
Things had been quiet since the baby shower for Vera and Aubree. It was also the last time Jillian got to see Dakota in person. To touch his skin, to smell his scent. To feel his body heat. They’ve kept in touch via phone calls, text messages and video chats, but it isn’t the same. Sometimes, you just crave another person’s presence.
Jillian is enjoying her part-time job at the bookstore, though she misses the one back in Brindleton Bay. Andrew has been working on getting his grades up in summer school. Her Mom has been trying to put some more homey touches on the house. It’s one of the things about moving around so much that make it hard – not having those homey touches. Her family didn’t move around like this when she was younger and it makes Jillian worry about her little brother. He’s not able to really put down roots like she was able to do.
Her father goes to work everyday – she’s been checking with his co-workers behind his back, sneaky but necessary – and he comes home most nights at a decent time.
But not tonight.
Jillian tracked him down at a tavern in the next small town over. He was passed out on the bar, she had a heck of a time getting him to her car but the bar tender helped her thankfully.
“You need to support more of your weight, Dad.” She mumbles in annoyance to him. He perks up a little and tries at least. She can’t believe she’s having to do this. Thankfully Andrew had wanted to go to a movie and Denise went with him, so they wouldn’t be home to see her dragging in the man of the house.
After Jillian manages to unlock the front door and deposit her Dad on the couch, she lectures him.
“What were you thinking??? What if I hadn’t tracked you down, were you going to spend the night in your car in the bar parking lot??” She questions him, she’s mad and even though it’s been clear that her Dad has a problem for a while, she still doesn’t understand. Joey has even tried to help her understand but she doesn’t, maybe it’s because until this past year, she had always seen her Dad as her hero.
“Stop it!” Garrett yells, something he rarely does – whether it’s at this kids or his wife. “I’m…I’m the parent! Not you!”
Jillian just sits there, staring him down. She isn’t used to her Dad yelling and it stings a bit. “Maybe you should start acting like it then.”
“Leave me awone.” His mumbles after a few moments, slurring a little. Oddly enough, most of his brief tirade had been clear.
“This problem isn’t going away, Dad. It’s just going to get worse.” She tells him before rising from her perch on the side of the couch. Her Dad mutters something she can’t make out and doesn’t want to. She leaves him on the couch, calling her Mom.
~A hour later
Garrett is asleep on the couch, while Mother and Daughter have a chat in Jillian’s bedroom. Denise arranged for Andrew to spend the night at one of his friend’s houses.
“He yelled at you?” Denise asks her only daughter “And was passed out on the bar?”
Jillian nods. She had explained what happened to her Mom. “I think we might have to do an intervention.”
Denise absently plays with her hair, she had seen a lot of those on TV and never thought she’d actually have to partake in one.
“I can talk to Dakota and Joey. They might have an idea of how to go about it…” Jillian trails off with a sigh.
“We’re going to have to and he’s going to rehab. I’m done handling this situation with kiddy gloves and hoping it gets better. I love you father dearly, he’s the one for me but I won’t sit by any longer and watch him possibly ruin our family and deep down, I know he doesn’t want that to happen.” Denise states, finding a resolve she didn’t know she has until this moment.
Her Mom goes to the bedroom she normally shares with her Dad as Jillian goes into the bathroom to brush her teeth, she feels a sudden bout of nauseous hit her.
She figures it’s nerves, thankfully she hadn’t brushed her teeth yet and is able to get the taste of puke out of her mouth before bed.
#the grant legacy#ts4 legacy#generation 2#jillian ambrose#denise ambrose#garrett ambrose#ts4#sims 4#sims4#thesims4#simsstories#ts4 story#sims4 story#sims4 storytelling#ambrose family
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'Actress Claire Foy is ready and braced for a lot of personal reactions to her latest film All of Us Strangers. Adapted from Taichi Yamada’s novel Strangers, writer-director Andrew Haigh’s emotional reimagining finds gay screenwriter Adam (Andrew Scott) working on a script inspired by a devastating personal tragedy: in the early ’80s, both his parents died in a car crash when he was just 12. Seeking inspiration, Adam travels back to his childhood neighborhood where he encounters his parents (Claire Foy and Jamie Bell) — not only still living in his former home but looking exactly the same as the last time he saw them.
DEADLINE: How did you first hear about All of Us Strangers?
CLAIRE FOY: It was actually three or four months before we started shooting. One of my agents, Billy Lazarus, had a very, very emotional response to it, and I knew that it was something quite special. Then I met Andrew [Haigh] and he’s just so open as a person, and unassuming about what he does, which is so encouraging because what he does is so tender and truthful and not precious in any way. I just thought, it’s going to be really special to be a part of this film.
DEADLINE: Did Andrew tell you whether your role of Mum was loosely based on his own mother? Or was it less specific?
FOY: I don’t know whether he was basing it on his mother or a generational group of parents who were the children of war babies in the U.K. And that’s quite a specific generation of people. You have a specific set of values and beliefs that have come out of the war generation about how they were brought up, what you do and don’t do, how you express yourself, what you talk about and don’t talk about. And then it’s like, someone like Adam is the fruit of those people.
I’m from a family where there’s a hell of a lot of women. I’ve got so many aunts in my family, so ‘mum’ became an amalgamation of the many different women in many different moments to me.
DEADLINE: When you knew that Jamie Bell was going to play your husband, did you spend some time with him to work on the relationship we see on screen?
FOY: Not really. I had never met him before in my life, and so when he signed up, I just knew that it wouldn’t be a problem. I think I have loved Jamie Bell since Billy Elliot, as everybody else in the world, and sort of feel a deep affection for him. He’s so engaged all the time, and his emotions are so close to the surface. It’s the most beautiful thing to see in a man that has such access to it all the time.
DEADLINE: It sounds like all the family moments between you, Jamie and Andrew were really natural to shoot.
FOY: I can’t really put my finger on what it was, but it was the coming together of three people who’d known each other a long time. And it was immediate. We were all there. We were kissing each other on the lips to say goodbye in that scene where we say goodbye. And it could have been a sort of weird thing where Adam is kissing his parents on the lips as an adult, but it just didn’t feel weird. It just felt so right. And I just don’t think you can fake things like that. I just think that’s incredible casting by Andrew [Haigh] in that he knew we’d all get on. But we’re also quite similar to Andrew, to the point where we had very little friction ever on set.
DEADLINE: Is it true that this is the first film where you’re not performing with an accent?
FOY: I was very much gunning for being Irish. My family is Irish, and I’ve always said I’m going to do an Irish accent in a film. There wasn’t a lot of prep time, but I was like, I don’t think it’s going to be a problem. So, I spoke to my friend who’s a dialect coach, and I went, “Here’s my Irish accent.” And he went, “OK, so the problem is, you speak with the accent of someone who lived in Ireland a hundred years ago and was a rural farmer.” I guess my accent was inspired by Barry, my granddad, who is 94 now [laughs]. But what’s so amazing about this film, is that it suspends everyone’s reality. Adam moved back to Ireland with his nan after his parents died, and hence he’s Irish and they’re not.
DEADLINE: The moment when Adam comes out to his mother is quite tough to watch. She doesn’t respond in a way that he hoped.
FOY: It’s not sentimental. Andrew Haigh had written it as complicated. I feel like Adam’s journey in the film is one that isn’t tied up in a bow. He has suffered a great tragedy. His parents died at the beginning of his adolescence. It’s terrible to lose to your parents in any way, but for Adam about to step out into the world, he doesn’t have them in a formative period of his life. That in itself is so heartbreaking.
It was really interesting being invited into that scene from a position of having the two Andrews talking about their own experiences. I think Andrew Scott didn’t want it to be a coming out scene. He didn’t want it to be that he had gone there to his mum’s house with the idea that he had to come out. Because he’s a man in his forties, and has an understanding of himself and his sexuality. There was no unresolved business there for him.
I didn’t want my modern sensibilities to get in the way of the fact that whilst everything she says is said dripping in love, he feels judged just by virtue of what she’s saying. I think it would short-change both the audience and the characters to make her say the right thing. I think it had to be that scenario where you had to see the difference in a time period that they haven’t had with each other.
DEADLINE: She’s also processing the information at the same time.
FOY: When we try to understand off thoughts and emotions, that’s when people get hurt because it comes out before you assimilate in your brain. I think she felt upset about missing so much out on his life. She didn’t know what his teenage years were like. She didn’t know what his twenties or his thirties were like. She didn’t know any of that. And then to have your son say something so fundamental about who he is, and she doesn’t know it, I think she’s deeply wounded by that and goes on the defense in a mundane way.
I felt a very strong instinct that she felt she was being criticized. Everything about who he was now as a person was an indication of how she hadn’t fulfilled her job as the mother properly. Everything is an exclusion from his life because she died. Because if she had lived, then she wouldn’t have a gay son. She would have a son who was married with twenty-five children and living in a house. It was really interesting because I genuinely felt like everything Andrew was doing was a criticism.
I also didn’t want to make her nicer. I didn’t want to make her say the right things. I wanted it to be truthful. I knew when I was shooting it that people would have visceral reactions to my portrayal of that person and they’re completely entitled to it. In fact, it is most truthful how these interactions go from what I have learned.
DEADLINE: Was there ever a scene that was even too much emotionally for you to be in?
FOY: The final scene in TGI Fridays with me, Andrew and Jamie. Sometimes something happens in a scene where you think it’s going to be one thing, you do all your prep, you have in your head what you think your character wants out of the scene and then an actor does something and it changes everything.
So Jamie just sat down and we did this bloody scene, and by the end, Andrew and I were just like howling, crying. All three of us were just bawling our eyes out and we were like, this is wrong. We shouldn’t be like this. It was really, really incredible. I suppose I believed everyone so much that I was just in there with them. And then at the end I just worship and bow down to them. That’s what I do.
DEADLINE: I have to ask, what is it like to have Andrew Scott climb into his parents bed in his childhood PJs?
FOY It didn’t feel weird. (laughs) The way Andrew was playing it was so childlike and I think me and Jamie have kids so were so used to that dynamic of, all right, come on in. The only thing about that was Paul Mescal was also in the bed because the scene then switches to Andrew being in bed with him at home. And so there was the added element of, “What’s going on here? I’m in bed with these three men. What’s happened to my life?”
DEADLINE: That’s a photo many people would like to see.
FOY: There is a photo! I’m hoping no one ever sees because I look like a competition winner and I could not be happier to be there. They look really cool and just like, “Yeah, whatever.” And I’m like, “Ahhhhhh!!!” It’s so embarrassing. No one’s ever seeing that photo. I’ll just have it for the rest of my life. I’m going to get it framed. (laughs)
DEADLINE: What is it like to work under the direction of Andrew Haigh?
FOY: He’s very similar to Sarah Polley, who I’ve worked with [on Women Talking]. Like Sarah, he doesn’t pretend to be the big all-knowing director. He often says, “I don’t know.” He’s very human and you feel like you’re genuinely having a conversation with him. I love how he picks up on little things you’re doing. He’s very observant. He’s also just a very kind person, very funny, very cynical, but also full of hope and love, and that’s made him a great director. As someone who is interested in human beings, I feel like he wants to get to the heart of most things in a truthful, honest way.
DEADLINE: The film is very subtle in its portayal of the ghosts that haunt Adam, and the way his denial of the past catches up with him.
FOY: There’s a scene in the film where Adam tells his new boyfriend Harry [Paul Mescal] about the fact that his parents died. And I think it’s the most brilliant piece of acting because it could be, “My parents died when I was 12.” But what he does is he says, “Oh no, it’s not a big deal,” because the trauma and the pain and the loss is so deep in his body, in his muscle, in his bones, he can’t touch it. He’s desensitized to it. This is what I’m projecting onto him in the film. He can’t access that, and the film is all about him attempting to access that grief in some way in order to be able to allow himself to love someone again.
I can think of nothing braver than losing someone you love and then being brave enough to try the whole thing all over again because what a terrifying concept that is. You have to live in denial or live every day knowing they could go, because either way, you can’t deal with it. It’s too much, that human connection. And it’s the one thing that makes human beings incredibly special is that we have the ability to do that.
To play the smells, the textures, the feeling of having parents — I think that’s what he misses his whole life. He didn’t have them, and then suddenly he has them, and he doesn’t want to leave them.
In the end, we’re all going to the same place. We like to pretend we’re not, but we’re all going to die. And inevitably it involves people being left behind. And that’s just the most incredibly painful concept, I think, of what it is to be alive.'
#Claire Foy#Jamie Bell#Andrew Haigh#Andrew Scott#All of Us Strangers#Taichi Yamada#Strangers#Paul Mescal#Billy Elliot#Sarah Polley
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Hi, I wanted to preface this by saying this is all incredibly speculative and thus really silly to ask, but I couldn’t help myself- wondered about your thoughts re: acting in AOUS and character bleeding. I wonder how much of Andrew and Paul’s relationship is blurred with Adam and Harry’s? They talk extensively about their own relationship taking off at the same time as filming, which I believe started around June 2022. It’s been a while, and Paul has done Gladiator and Andrew Vanya since. Still, they are incredibly close and touchy and praise each other as people nonstop. What do you think? I’m doing mental gymnastics here trying to gauge whether or not they could be in l*ve for real, lol. Anyways, this is all incredibly tin-hatty, I know it’s not that serious, I should get some help, etc, so thanks for humoring me!
I literally use this side blog to tinhat myself into oblivion. This is a tinhat safe zone.
I think they admit the character bleed was real. They also put more of themselves into Harry and Adam than they have previous characters.
They seemed to have kept in touch throughout, going out a few times together since filming and promo (unless I am getting my timelines wrong). I get the idea there were lots of texts and phone calls, and for some reason a group chat with Joe A.
I spend too much time every day wondering what is real here. All of this screams, we got too into it during filming, and now we don't talk. The idea they are acting couply still and have publicly almost asked for privacy is insane to me. I know these actors quite well, this is out of character. Their openness around each other, I believe it when they said this film changed them.
I am not built like an actor, because I couldn't fall in love and then go back to be good friends with them to the level I sit with my hand on their knee totally platonically. So maybe it's an actor thing and their touching is muscle memory.
Anyway, yes I think they could be in love and yes I think there is a high chance they have hooked up. I also think Paul is working his way through Catholic guilt and Andrew is being a community elder,
I hope this makes sense and yes, please indulge me in your tinhatting
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Asking you instead of Her cause you're nicer, cooler, and don't ask for whales. Is the universe and our existence just a paracosm courtesy of your mother, or do we exist as individual beings? And if so, what does individuality even really mean? I mean. You must have some answer, right? A little one?
Also here have some fish 🐟🐠🎣🍣
Paracosm? Ooh, an imaginary world. Like Narnia. I spent a little time as a lion there. That wasn't as much fun as you would think; I didn't have any thumbs, everything went blurry and weird and paper-ish when the author wasn't directly writing about me, and I died unpleasantly again.
The idea that this world is just a thought in the mind of a Creator isn't a totally new one, but the idea that the Universe itself is the mind of the Creator and we're all just part of it is actually pretty new.
But the way a lot of people implement this concept comes around to this very solipsistic idea that if you're just a part of the mind of the Creator, everything is part of that mind, so you should be able to think your way towards the life you want, and the only thing stopping you from having lots of money and your ideal boyfriend is your attitude.
Which ain't how it works. But the place that idea comes from, New Thought, turned very easily into the Prosperity Gospel, which is some total bullshit about how I want My followers to be rich and reward the pious with wealth. Which is exactly the opposite of what I'm about.
Anyway, I don't think you're about to go around trying to imagine yourself as Barbie just based on this question, but it's just something to keep in mind. When someone introduces a new idea to you that sounds like it'd be really cool and improve your life if you adopted it, consider who might want you to give them money for it.
To actually answer your question, I don't think that we're all just a thought in My Mother's mind. I know the Buddhists and Hindus believe something like this, but they have an entirely different cosmology and worldview that doesn't apply to Me or My followers. At least, I'm pretty sure that's how it works; I've never found any Vikings in Heaven or Our Hell, so I assume they're in Valhalla where they're supposed to be. (If any demons know different, LMK.)
So much of the canon of Jewish and Christian thought (I know less about Islam, but that's just because I got very busy) focuses on the problem of separation from the Divine. The question of why the material world exists beyond Heaven, humans are not all in Heaven with Mother eternally, why they had to leave Gan Eden, why She stopped talking to this or that Patriarch, why She stopped talking to people in general... And how humans can hope to catch even a glimpse of a fraction of Her majesty before death.
Not to mention all the time and effort She spends trying to get humans to either sin or not sin, depending on whether She's in the mood for Mercy or Severity.
Nah. If we were all just a thought in Her mind or a world in Her dreams, She wouldn't have all this mishegoss with sin and Free Will going on.
Enjoy being human! I don't know if there's any real individuality before your life, and I can't say there is much after -- at least not the way Heaven is run. You get the same flavor stardust milkshake and the same Julie Andrews movies on a loop as everyone else unless you manage to make it up into the VIP lounge with me and my homies.
But while you're still on Earth, you're as much of an individual as anything can be in this universe.
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Partners(2/3)
“Miller could you take a look at this photos I took from the scene?”
“Could you help us in interrogating this suspect we just arrested?”
People sure liked to ask for his partner’s help.
They dropped request upon request without caring if she was busy or not. Or paying any mind to the clear signs of her exhaustion.
Her complexion looked paler and the rings around her eyes seemed to grow darker with time because of all the all nighters she pulled from overseeing everything.
“Good job at solving the case and apprehending the culprit!”
That praise was not directed at her.
It pissed him off. It reminded him of his own situation.
These bastards pestered her endlessly to help them and not only they didn’t offer a single word of gratitude they also took all the credit from her hard work.
“Miller you really shouldn’t let these assholes take all the credit. I know that if it’s you people would know for sure who’s the competent person here”
“I don’t really mind, if these cases went unsolved it would be bad for the victims involved right?” she waves it off. “Besides... It would feel like I was cheating if I got any benefit from it” She adds the last part in a whisper.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing” She smiled stiffly. “Really, you don’t need to worry Andrews, if it gets too much and affect our work I will make sure to refuse”
“Well, at least request for it to be OUR main case to deal. This way it’s not an extra thing on top of everything we already have to do and people wouldn’t pester you as much with their stuff because I swear they think they can dump their work on you because they think what you are doing isn’t ‘as important’“ he frowned.
“Ok, I will do that”
“No, let me do it, this way I can be sure someone wouldn’t catch you on the way and convince you otherwise”
“What” he says flatly.
“You just do the bare minimum to not be fired from here and suddenly you want to take a big case?” His boss looks at him with suspicion.
“There’s nothing sketchy about this, I am just asking it because if people are making Miller do it anyway might as wel-”
“Ah, so that’s why”. He cuts him off. Your partner is Crowa Miller right? With her level of skill she could handle cases of this magnitude. You could coast off and gain a lot from this situation huh?”
“...”
Ah... This shit was exhausting. Everything was so pointless.
He got tired of trying to explain himself. It was a waste of breath when people didn’t bother to listen to what he had to say or miscontrued everything to fit the narrative they believed about him.
He felt someone place a hand in his shoulder and squeeze it reassuringly.
“Miller?”
If looks could kill his boss would be dead meat with the way Miller glared menancingly at the older man.
“Crowa Miller” the older man shrunk on his seat, clearly intimidated by how the usually affable woman had an ice cold look on her features. “You probably aren’t aware with how busy you were, but Andrews is know for being sleazy and extremely lazy you know?” He tried to explain himself.
“Yes, I’m aware of the rumors” She calmly replies, unimpressed. “And after spending time with him I can assure you, they are unfounded”
“But many people attested to be so! Many of his old partners in fact” the man insisted.
“Quantity has no bearing in whether something is the truth” her features turn fierce “Now, if you don’t mind we will excuse ourselves”
She tugs Andrews’ sleeve gently in contrast with her earlier mannerisms.
“Ah! And I hope you will accept our request yes?” Miller glances back, giving a smile that reeked of passive aggressiveness.
...That’s the only way he could summarize what he was feeling right now.
Elated for sure about that piece of shit being finally told off but mostly in awe at his partner.
Miller was usually a pretty mellow person and way too patient and understanding for her own detriment so he never thought she had in her to have such disposition.
That woman was like a lioness baring her fangs. Intense, fierce, confident and unflinching in her assertion.
“Andrews is that what left you so despondent?”
“Huh?”
“I noticed it for a while, but whenever you put a front about being lazy and unmotivated you looked bitter and hurt" she looked at him with concern. “And the way you reacted so strongly about my situation... I thought something was up”
He flinched.
Miller noticed his reaction and let go of his sleeve.
“... Sorry, I didn’t mean to be nosy and meedlesome”
“Do people tell you that?”
This time it’s Miller who flinches.
“We seriously have rotten luck with partners huh?” Andrews sighs. “ I don’t know if it’s because I look unreliable or what but I always attracted a rotten bunch that tried to earn prestige coasting off my hard work, taking all the credit and painting me as an incompetent fool”
He didn’t think he would ever try and talk about what happened to him again after the many failures of trying to be heard, but Miller was easy to talk with. When you spoke she wanted to listen, to take notice of the smallest things, giving her full attention and trying to be as mindful, patient and considerate as possible.
Her old partners sure were morons.
...And he was fortunate that she choose him as her partner.
“I got really fed up with that so I started to slack off to screw with their plans but even that was used” he smiled bitterly “They said that I got jealous so I was sabotaging them on purpose and my infamy increased tenfold to the point that even when I tried to prove otherwise nobody could believe me”
“I see... So that’s how things are” Miller muses to herself. “Thank you for being willing to trust me and speak about something so personal after everything you went through”
“Nothing really hard to do, you’re pretty easy to trust”
“Say... If you feel like trying again I promise you to make sure that everyone knows you are putting good work”
“Thanks for your offer but I don’t really see the appeal” He dimisses in a joking tone. “There’s nothing in it for me besides having to deal with condescending assholes and that’s totally not worth it”
“Understandable” Miller chuckles in good humor while she pats his back. “I just wanted to make sure you knew I had your back”
“I know my dear and reliable partner” his face softens, he feel like a heavy load has been lifted from his shoulders, probably because it was the first time he could talk about his situation with someone that believed him. “...I will think about it. I promise.”
“...Do you want to go to the Pâtisserie? Maybe today it’s the day we can find something I can actually eat there” Miller winks.
“Now THAT promise is something I am not sure we can fullfill” Andrews jokes back. “Let me pay for our coffee, we will need it if we do get that big case after all”
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𝐀 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ~ 𝐁𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝐁𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐱 (𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞) 𝐀𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫! 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
back with another entry for @fairydxll‘s 2k writing event! i had so much fun writing for my matt x reader, now it’s something for bucky :) just like last time, i’ve got 2 prompts: “what i have with you, i don’t want with anyone else” + “i didn’t know where else to go”
context: ~ i am still a hoe for avenger! reader so we’re back with that heheh. same as last time, your powers are basically wanda’s powers, plus presence concealment which is just a fancy way of saying invisibility. this mostly focuses on your relationship with bucky though, so it’s not touched on tooo much but it will be referenced. italics = flashbacks. also i had to sneak in a cute lil moment from andrew garfield’s spider-man hehe, obviously re-worked to be bucky x you. also i fucked up and mixed up some of the howling commando’s members so just pretend that everyone i mentioned worked closely with bucky.
word count: 13.8k (hahaha i am so sorry if you hate long one-shots. i really tried to cut down after my matt x reader piece that was over 10k but… we see how well that worked out)
If Bucky could to describe you using one word, he’d have a hard time deciding. Without a doubt, you are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. But you’re also the smartest. And you’re kind. Loving. Gentle. If he had to choose just one though… it would be home. It doesn’t matter where in the world you are, whether it’s the United States, somewhere in Romania, if he has you there, he’ll be okay. You, are home. You could be on the other side of the room, and just one glance at you fills him with a sense of comfort, and peace. Things he never thought possible. One night as he’s laying next to you, and you’re sound asleep, he thinks about the long journey it took to get to where you are right now. Lots of ups and downs (more downs, if you’re both being honest), but life is… good. He’s hesitant to even think it, because for decade after decade, all he knew was pain and suffering. But with you, he’s happy. He’s content, and safe. If only things could stay this way.
You’d been part of the Avengers since about a year after Steve was pulled from the ice. In fact, he’d been the one to take you under his wing. You were with him when Fury informed you both that S.H.I.E.L.D. had been compromised. You were nearly shot, but Steve managed to pull you out of the way. It was you that Fury handed the USB drive to, telling you both to not trust anyone.
You helped Steve pursue the masked man that shot Fury, but were stunned into silence when he caught Steve’s shield with ease. It’s then that you noticed the mans metal arm. It was Steve’s idea to hide the USB in a vending machine at the hospital, but it was your idea to later on not tell Pierce anything, so when he asks, you say nothing of what Fury gave you, or said before he died.
As you and Steve ride away on his motorcycle after being ambushed by Rumlow and other people working against you, he apologizes profusely. “I never meant to bring you in to all of this,” he says sadly. You can only shake your head, saying you would’ve helped him anyway, even if he hadn’t asked.
When you and Steve are declared fugitives by Pierce, he claims that you are to be taken out by S.H.I.E.L.D. for withholding information. It’s tricky, but you manage to get into the hospital to retrieve the USB. Only it’s not there, and it’s only when Nat appears that you realize something much bigger is at play. It’s then that you learn the masked man responsible for Fury’s death is known as The Winter Soldier, and he has been credited with over 24 assassinations in the last 50 years.
From there, it’s absolute chaos. You, Nat, and Steve head to the location where the program on the USB was written, and manage to just barely survive an assassination attempt by a S.H.I.E.L.D. missile. Seeking refuge with Sam Wilson, you manage to spend a little time hiding out while trying to figure out next steps.
You even crack a smile when Sam tells you all he made breakfast, though he’s unsure “if you all eat that sort of thing”.
With Jasper Sitwell now fearing for his life after Nat kicks him off the roof, you learn that Zola’s algorithm calculates if someone will be a threat in the future based on their actions in the past. Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, even you and Steve are considered targets.
As you’re escorting Sitwell, along with Steve, Sam, and Nat, the vehicle is attacked. When a metal arm rips through the car and pulls Sitwell out and into oncoming traffic, you realize it’s the Winter Soldier. A long battle ensues as you all fight the Winter Soldier, and the men working alongside him.
Getting a glimpse at the man without the part of his mask that covers his eyes, there’s a split second where you swear you’ve seen this man before, those eyes look familiar. Those thoughts quickly leave your mind when he shoots Nat, leaving you and Steve to take him on by yourselves. You and Steve manage to land him on his back, and the bottom half of his mask comes flying off as he stands up.
That moment still comes to you in your nightmares, when Steve calls out to his best friend, only to be met with “who the hell is Bucky?”
Nat saves you both before the Winter Soldier eliminates you, but he manages to escape. You’re all taken into custody, and it seems like all is lost, until you’re rescued by Maria Hill. It’s also then that you learn Nick Fury is still alive.
You all have a new mission. 3 Helicarriers need to be breached, and the targeting blades need to be replaced with the ones Fury pulls out of a briefcase. Hill can’t stress enough, how important this is. All 3 need to be replaced, or the whole mission will be for nothing. An argument breaks out between Fury and Steve, as Fury tries to say that S.H.I.E.L.D. might possibly still be saved, while Steve points out that the whole operation has to end because they were compromised, with HYDRA growing within them possibly the whole time, and Fury had no idea.
Maria agrees, and Fury looks to you and Sam, almost waiting to see what you think.
“Don’t look at me, I do what he does,” Sam motions to Steve, “just slower.”
“I trust Steve with my life,” you say confidently, “I’m with him”.
Afterwards, you join Steve over a little bridge, and ask if he’s alright. He has always made sure that you’re okay, and offered to lend an ear if you need to talk or vent, so you hope this time you can return the favor. He surprises you by telling him about what he was just thinking about. An old memory, not long after his mom died.
“I thanked him for offering to let me stay with him, and said I could get by on my own. My damn pride wouldn’t allow me to accept the help, he’d already done so much just saving my ass from getting beat up over the years. And after my repeated refusals, you know what he said? The thing is, you don’t have to. I’m with you till the end of the line pal. Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky.”
Later that same day, you help Steve break in to the Smithsonian to steal his uniform. When he puts it on, you open your mouth to make a sarcastic comment, and see Steve shaking his head. He’s laughing though, already knowing what joke you were about to make.
Steve, Sam, Maria, and you, work on making your way through the Triskelion and try to take control of the communications system to warn the staff that HYDRA has infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D., being led by Alexander Pierce. And then… all hell breaks loose.
Yelling for you to stay with him, Steve takes off running. You immediately follow, meaning what you said when you told Fury that you trusted Steve with your life. If he thought this would work, then you’d follow him.
By some miracle, and by miracle, you mean a lot of ass kicking, you and Steve manage to replace the targeting blades on one of the Helicarriers, and Sam manages to get to the second one.
A series of explosions, and a pit settles in your stomach. The Winter Soldier is here. Steve grabs you, jumping off the edge of the triskelion and telling Sam that you both need a ride. Just when things seem to be going your way, the Winter Soldier sends Steve flying over the edge. Without a second thought, you jump after him, but the Winter Soldier grabs Sam’s wings before he can follow.
You use one hand to grab on to the edge of the Helicarriers and manage to just barely grab hold of Steve’s hand with your other. You pull yourselves up, and are filled with more dread as Sam tells you that he’s down for the count because his suit is broken.
You begin to run down the metal runway, when you freeze at the sight of the Winter Soldier standing in front of you. Steve immediately steps in front of you, and you know he’s using himself as a human shield.
Before a fight breaks out between the men, Steve manages to slip you the last targeting blade, whispering to get it done while he distracts Bucky. “The Winter Soldier,” you correct him. “That’s not Bucky. He’s under their control.”
You remove a targeting blade from the system, and are just inches away from inserting the new one, when the Winter Soldier yanks you back and throws you to the side as if you weigh nothing. You watch in horror as the targeting blade drops, and without hesitation once again, you dive after it. The Winter Soldier chases after you and Steve does everything he can to hold him off, and by some miracle he’s able to render the Winter Soldier unconscious, handing you the drive and telling you to try again.
As the Winter Soldier gets up and shoots at you, Steve ends up taking the hits as he uses his body to shield you. At the literal last second, you manage to slip the remaining targeting blade into place. You sink down next to Steve with relief, but it’s short-lived as you remember that he’s hurt. He looks at you, and you know what he’s silently asking.
“Fire now,” you say softly.
Maria instantly knows that you’re talking to her. “But you guys are—”
“Do it!” Steve yells. After the explosions begin, you and Steve rip your ear pieces out. “I’m sorry you got dragged in to all of this,” Steve gives you a sad smile as you both struggle to stay calm.
“You saved my life. I follow you anywhere, remember?”
A scream interrupts you both, and you look down in horror, seeing the Winter Soldier trapped under a large beam.
“Stay here,” you use the broken railing to pull yourself to a standing position. When Steve tries to mimic your actions, you gently push him down. “You took multiple bullets for me. Stay down Cap, that’s an order,” as you make your way down to the Winter Soldier, you think about how you’ve wanted to order Steve around ever since Sam pointed out that he was always in charge. He’s the captain, isn’t he? You’d asked. Sam just rolled his eyes and responded yeah but that’s not the point.
When you make the final jump to the bottom level, you use whatever strength you have left to lift the beam up, too weak to even use your powers. You see him, the Winter Soldier, watching you. Although he’s under HYDRA’s control, the pain in his eyes is clear.
“Come on you gotta help me out a little bit!” You yell, struggling to lift the beam up those last few inches.
He uses his metal arm to push it up the rest of the way, allowing him enough space to slide out. Steve surprises you both by approaching from behind you.
“You know me.”
“No I don’t!”
You manage to land a punch to his ribs, but he turns and kicks you back far enough that you nearly fall through the hole in the Helicarrier. Steve reaches out just in time and pulls you back up. He shakes his head, telling you to stay down this time.
You don’t think you can get back up anyway, so you lay there, clutching your stomach in pain, and watch as the Winter Soldier slowly beats the life out of Steve.
“Steve!” You cry out, using what little strength you have left to get up as he falls out of the Helicarrier and quickly towards the water.
You take one look at the Winter Soldier, and as he glances at you, you get a flash of Bucky behind those blue eyes. Not wanting to lose time, however, you turn away and dive into the water, knowing that you need to rescue Steve even if it kills you.
You’re swimming underwater for a good 10 seconds before you see him, and grab hold of one of his arms. By the time you both surface above the water, you feel almost completely drained of your energy. Using one hand to keep hold of Steve, and the other to weakly paddle you both to shore, you think to yourself at least we’ll make it. But then your head starts to go underwater every few strokes, and as your eyes close, you mentally apologize to the man next to you, thinking that you’re sorry for failing him.
Just before your eyes close, you feel another arm grab yours. You’re so focused on not losing your grip on Steve, though, that it’s not until you’re on land that you look and see exactly who pulled you from the water.
“Steve! Steve come on you gotta wake up. Please, open your eyes,” you move his hair out of his face, pleading with him to wake up. “Come on, we can’t do this without you, you gotta wake up.” You briefly turn around to see then Winter Soldier / Bucky, standing about 10 feet behind you. He’s doing nothing but watching you try to wake Steve up. As he starts to walk away, you call after him. You notice him hesitate for just a second, but ultimately he decides to keep walking.
“G-go.”
You look down, surprised and extremely happy to see Steve awake. “What? I’m not going anywhere we need to get you help.”
“Go after, him, please. If we lose him— I can’t lose him again. Please, we can’t—”
You briefly look back and forth between the figure that’s getting smaller and smaller the further he walks, and to the man right in front of you. You don’t know what to do. He weakly lifts an arm up and taps your left shoe. You take both shoes off, knowing why Steve told you to. Trackers were planted on the suits of all Avengers so that if anything happened, rescue wouldn’t need to wait for you to give your location. Steve’s wouldn’t have one yet since it’s his old suit, but you got lucky. If your tracker had been anywhere but your shoes, you wouldn’t be able to ditch it without essentially getting naked.
“I’ll contact you when its safe. Don’t worry, I’ll look after him,” you whisper, squeezing Steve’s hand one last time before turning around and running after Bucky. Thankfully, he was walking slow, and you catch up to him in less than 30 seconds. You’re careful to walk far enough behind him to give him some space, but you’re sure he knows you’re following him.
Your suspicions are confirmed when after walking for less than a few minutes, he suddenly stops and turns around, yanking you into an alley. His metal hand wraps around your throat and he looks at you, eyes wide with a mix of panic and confusion.
“Please… Bucky… I don’t want to— I don’t want to hurt you,” you try to pry his hand off of you, not wanting to use the full extent of your powers on him. When he lets go, you fall to the ground, coughing as you try to stand up. You’re surprised when he uses his other hand to help you to your feet.
“Who— who are you?” He asks, still understandably cautious.
You introduce yourself as you try to catch your breath. After you say your name, you look tilt your head a little, really looking at him. “Do you know who you are?” He’s silent, so you try something different. “Did you know that man that you helped pull out of the water?”
He looks down, then back up at you before slowly nodding. “I think so. Are you with HYDRA?” It’s almost as if he’s waiting to be asked for the mission report. He’s clearly still confused, you think to yourself. Why would I have rescued Steve if I was with HYDRA?
“I know you want to run. But you need someone on your side to make sure you’re okay. Steve trusts me, all I want to do is make sure you’re safe. You are not the Winter Soldier. Your name is James Barnes. Please let me help you.” You hold your breath, half expecting him to take off running again. When he nods and begins walking again, you’re quick to catch up with him. “I know someone who can get us out of here. And I know you have no reason to do so, because it probably seems like I just tried to kill you, but I was just trying to save Steve. You have to trust me, at least until we’re somewhere more safe.”
It’s another miracle when you and Bucky manage to make it to a temporary safe house. Only this ones different, it’s not on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s radar, and not all of the Avengers know about it. In fact, most of them don’t. When you’re sure that Bucky isn’t going to flee out the back door, you step outside and quickly make a call from the flip phone that was stashed in the fireplace, then shove it down the garbage disposal, running it until nothing but scraps are left.
Half an hour later, 2 knocks, a pause, and 3 more knocks let you know that your way out of the U.S. has arrived. Not waiting for you to actually open it, Nat picks the lock on the door and storms inside.
“You better be sure about this,” Nat hands you a bag with pre-packed clothes. You know what she really means is that you better be sure about him. All you can do is nod. You’re one of the few that she trusts with her life, just as you trust her with yours. Knowing that you feel deep down that staying with Bucky is the right thing to do, she doesn’t question you further.
You pull the male clothes out of the bag, handing Bucky a dark shirt, red henley shirt to go over, a dark jacket, baseball cap, shoes, and jeans, praying that they’re his size. “Here, we have to get out of our clothes or they’ll recognize us no matter where we go.” You head into the bathroom to change first, emerging a minute later in black jeans, a plain white shirt, and a baseball cap.
When Bucky exits the bathroom in his new clothes a few minutes later, you’re relieved that the clothes were all somehow his size. He looks around, practically everywhere but you and Nat. He must be terrified. He’s been under HYDRA’s control for so long, you understand why he has a hard time believing that you just want to help him and there are no strings attached.
“We gotta go now,” Nat motions to the door. You nod, making sure to leave nothing behind. When everything is shoved into your backpack, you notice Bucky standing there. He reaches out, gently tugging on the strap of your backpack.
“Oh, do you want to put something else inside?” You shrug it off, a little surprised when he takes it from you and slings one strap over his shoulder. “Thanks,” you smile, leading the way outside. You head to the backyard where Nat has just finished swapping the license plates of the black SUV, and you’re thankful that the windows are tinted.
Bucky’s mind is racing as he slowly returns to himself and not the Winter Soldier, and it feels like a million thoughts are cycling through all at once. Who is he, really, if not the Winter Soldier? Who are you? How do you know Steve? And how does he really know Steve? Can you be trusted? That last question, he realizes he’ll have to wait and find out. If he leaves you, he risks being found. But if he stays with you, this could still be a trap to turn him in. Something in him tells him to stay with you. He did know that other man in the water, the man who would’ve let him kill him. And if that man trusts you, maybe you really will help him.
After what feels like an extremely long car ride, you exit the vehicle and see that you’re in a field, and there’s only a jet, you, Bucky, Nat, and one other man.
“He’s an old friend, you can trust him,” Nat gives him a small smile before turning back to you and Bucky. She slips 2 passports out of her back pocket. “I couldn’t get drivers licenses, but these will do for now. He’s going to fly you to Bucharest. After that, I don’t know, it’ll be up to the two of you. I’m assuming you removed your tracker,” she looks to you for confirmation, continuing when you nod, “so this might be it for a while. I’ll give your message to Steve, you know how to contact us, but maybe hold off for a little while unless it’s a life or death emergency. Be careful,” she pulls you in for a hug as she says that last sentence, and you swear that when you both pull apart, there are tears in her eyes. “Stay safe.”
When you’re about an hour away from landing in another field, this time in Bucharest, the pilot finally speaks up. “When we land there’ll be a car waiting. You’ll go to a safe house, Romanoff specified that I choose one that even she doesn’t know the location of, so don’t share it with anyone else. The spare key is under a loose brick that’s propped up against the wall. I’d highly advise only going out together, and not making extra copies of the keys. She also asked me to give you this,” he hands you a thick envelope, “said she knows you’ll freak out, but don’t worry about it. This is to ensure your safety for a while, since you don’t know when you’ll return.”
At the exact same moment, Nat meets Sam outside of the hospital, giving him a hug while also secretly slipping a note into his back pocket. To anybody, and the cameras watching, it looks like 2 friends saying hello before going their separate ways.
He heads back inside just as Steve begins to wake up. Seeing the worried look on his face, he puts his hands up, trying to reassure him. “They’re all fine. Got a little message for you too,” he hands Steve the folded up pieces of paper.
When Steve reads what you wrote just moments before you, Bucky, and Nat left the safe house, he feels guilty. He should be the one protecting Bucky, but he put all that on you. Still, though, seeing your handwriting assuring him it’s alright, he feels a little better.
Back on the jet, you open the envelope, your eyes widen when you see everything inside. 2 bank cards, and more cash than you’ve ever held at once. You quickly move to the seat next to Bucky, shoving it in the backpack that he put down by his feet. You know that the 2 of you shouldn’t do anything outside of the safe house until you’ve both had a chance to wash up and maybe even get some much needed rest anyway.
You and Bucky exit the jet and see a man dressed in an all black suit, standing in front of an unmarked SUV. After thanking the pilot for everything that he has done, he quickly takes off, completely out of sight just 5 minutes later. You take a few steps toward the vehicle, but stop halfway. Now that things seem to be calming down, and that you’re heading to a supposed safe house, it’s like your brain chooses this moment to go into overdrive.
Bucky was walking ahead of you, but he stops and turns around, waiting for you. In his mind, he may not be under HYDRA’s control, but you’re helping him, so he’ll listen to you. It dawns on you that he’s waiting to follow you, so you try to shake away the nerves as you walk past him and climb into the vehicle. He gets in after you, and the driver speeds off the second that the door is closed.
You don’t breathe a sigh of relief until you arrive at the safe house and twist the lock, effectively stopping anyone from coming in. When you turn around, Bucky is just standing there, looking down. HYDRA never liked it when he looked them directly in the eye, even when they were giving orders. He isn’t sure what you prefer, and since you’re sort of saving his life right now, he thinks it best to wait for your orders.
“Hey,” you take a step towards him, but stop when you notice him tense up. “I know it’ll take time to earn your trust, but you don’t have to be afraid of me. I’m not HYDRA, and after this I don’t think I’m S.H.I.E.L.D. either. You can trust me.” You begin walking around the apartment, lifting random objects up and bringing them up to your face to inspect them closer. When you notice the confused look Bucky is giving you, you can’t help but laugh. “I’m checking for wires, cameras, that sort of thing. I trust Nat with my life, and she said we could trust her friend, but the guy that dropped us off here, that’s now two times removed from Nat, so I just want to be sure.”
After a moment, Bucky sets the backpack down and joins you, and you both spend the next hour basically turning the apartment upside down. But it doesn’t get messy, because when he sees that you put things back the same way you picked them up, he begins doing the same.
Once you determine that the apartment is safe, you quietly suggest that you both get cleaned up and maybe get some rest. When you ask Bucky if he’d like to go first, he shakes his head, taking a seat on the couch.
You rush to take the fastest shower possible, secretly terrified that when you exit the bathroom, Bucky will either be gone, or people will have broken in and he’ll be dead. Just 10 minutes later you exit the bathroom, though you know you could’ve stayed under that hot water until it ran out. You’re dressed in simple sweatpants and another plain shirt. As Bucky stands up, you sit on the couch.
He’s a little longer, because this is the first hot shower he has had in… decades. When he exits almost 20 minutes later, he sees you on the couch. Exhaustion seems to have taken over. As you’re trying to keep your eyes open, you wince as you move your left arm. When you pull up your sleeve, it’s only then that you notice the cut. In the rush to leave the U.S., you changed so quickly that the pain didn’t even register. You must’ve re-opened the wound when you stretched as you exited the shower.
Bucky notices you flinch. He goes to the bathroom and rummages through the cabinets below the sink, nodding to himself as he pulls out a pretty extensive first-aid kit. He sits across from you, opening the kit on the table. As he takes out everything needed to give you stitches, he wonders how he knows this.
Eventually, he’ll remember it was from his time in the war. Every soldier was taught basic first-aid.
You’re both completely silent as he stitches the rather large cut, and you notice how gentle he is as he tries his best to wipe away all the dried blood surrounding it. “Thank you,” you whisper. “May I—” you motion to his face.
He nods, and you’re both once again surprised. You half expected him to say no, or just walk away. And he’s surprised at himself too. Since he has been with HYDRA, there hasn’t been one time where someone reached out for him and didn’t intend to cause him any pain. So when you gently put a hand on his face to turn his head, he flinches. And immediately grows embarrassed of himself.
You notice his cheeks turn a little red, so you stay silent as you wipe off the dried blood that he missed in the shower. His cuts are small enough that a couple of pieces of butterfly closure bandages do the trick.
When you made the decision to help Bucky hide, you were aware that it might be a while until it was safe for you to return to the United States. But neither of you pictured it being over 2 years.
In the very beginning, Bucky pushes you away. He doesn’t know why he let you get so close, why he let you follow him and why he agreed to trust you and follow you. Knowing he’s not under HYDRA’s control anymore, makes him feel a little better. But he was warned that if he ever escaped, they’d find him. So he’s still terrified. For the first 2 weeks, after that initial moment of helping each other clean up, he doesn’t say a single word to you. In fact, you only see him a handful of times. You’re sure he waits for the sound of you entering your room and closing the door before he leaves his room, but you don’t say anything.
Of course, you still check up on him, asking if he needs anything, but you don’t want to push him. After him not responding the first few times you ask if he’d like to eat, you’re worried. You’re using up some of the groceries, but it looks like those are the only things being used.
Hoping to not overstep, you want to start doubling the portions that you make. One night after you’re finished eating, you put the rest into one of the fancy glass containers that the apartment was supplied with, and you leave a note on the counter. A simple ‘saved some for you in the fridge’ signed by your first name, and you hope he’ll eat it.
The next morning when you open the fridge and see the food gone, you feel a little victorious. He may not remember how to cook, having not done so in a long time, so you think well, as long as he eats, I can just do it for him. So a new routine is formed, and you leave a little note each time. You don’t know where the notes disappear to because every morning you also check the trash, but since he seems to be taking them and disposing of them somewhere else, you keep leaving them. Part of you is worried that if you don’t specify the leftovers are for him, he may not eat them.
Unbeknownst to you, the notes have become a sense of comfort to him. You’re the first person in a long time to care for him in this way, and in the small drawer in the bedside table, lays a growing pile of your little notes.
When you’ve been living together for about a month, you notice small changes. One morning as you’re finishing up your breakfast, Bucky walks out of his room. You glance up and give him a small smile, but otherwise just finish your food and continue flipping through the random magazine you found on one of the shelves. You let him know that there’s some eggs still in the pan, and you’re even more surprised when he puts them on a plate, grabs a fork, and stands across from you on the other side of the counter as he eats.
You don’t want to push your luck, so you just offer him another smile when he finishes, thinking he’s just going to head back to his room. When he reaches over to grab your plate and fork and then washes / dries / puts away all the dishes, you want to throw your arms around him and give him a big hug. Progress! You think to yourself.
This continues for the next couple of weeks. You don’t actually talk to each other, but you begin to slowly spend more time together. And you notice that instead of his door being closed all the time, he leaves it cracked open. So now when you’ve made food, you knock softly and let him know. Most of the time, he joins you. Sometimes he doesn’t, and that’s still okay. You know he has a lot going through his mind.
When the second month is almost up, you realize that you’ll need to go out for groceries soon. The apartment was stocked with so much when you first arrived, that this is the first time you’ll be leaving the apartment. It was beginning to feel a little cramped, so the thought of leaving the apartment even just for an hour, it excites you. And it dawns on you, though not for the first time, that you still have to at some point contact Steve and Nat to let them know you’re both alive and safe.
“Hey, Bucky?” You knock on his door softly, opening it just a few more inches. He wasn’t doing anything but laying there and daydreaming, so you begin to talk once he looks at you, “we’re running pretty low on groceries. I made a list, I was thinking of going to the farmers market down the street once the sun goes down. I can see it from the living room window, they’re open five nights a week and usually pretty late so, I figure it’s safer to go at night when there’s less of a chance of being seen. I know you haven’t left the apartment yet either, so if you want to come with me we can leave after dinner. If you don’t want to though, that’s totally fine and I probably won’t be that long anyway—”
“I’ll come, what time should we go?” It’s one of the first sentences he has spoken directly to you. Previously it was mumbled good mornings or good nights. You almost don’t catch what he said.
“Hmm, maybe at eight? I think the market is open until ten, so we should still be good. I also want to see if there’s a convenience store nearby so that I can get a disposable cell phone to call and let Steve and Nat know we’re okay.” He doesn’t react when you mention Steve, but you don’t push it and ask if he’ll want to talk to him later. You’re just happy he’s speaking to you more, and that he agreed to go with you.
The truth? Bucky is terrified of leaving the apartment. But what terrifies him even more is you leaving alone. Right now you’re the only person in his life. The only good thing in his life. He may not speak to you much, or know that much about you (due to said lack of speaking), but he doesn’t know what he’d do if you left tonight and then something happened and you never came back. So he decides he’ll shove his fears aside, if only to make sure you’re safe.
Before you leave, you hand Bucky what looks like a rectangular piece of mesh. He takes it from you, turning the fabric over in his hands.
“Photostatic veil,” you say as you remove your baseball cap to put it on. “Nat snuck it in the backpack before we left. You put it on, and to everyone else including each other, we’ll look like other people. It can only mimic appearances so someone specific does have to be chosen, but Nat’s smart so we won’t have to worry about being recognized.”
You tilt your head back, place the fabric over your face, then press the little button on the side. The mask molds itself over your features, and just seconds later when you look at yourself in the mirror, you’re unrecognizable. Bucky does the same, and in the beginning he thinks that the trick is in the mirror, that he doesn’t really look like that. But you assure him that it’ll be okay, so he follows you out of the apartment. Once you lock the door, you ask if he’d keep the key in his jacket pocket just incase.
The next hour is spent roaming around the farmers market, and you can’t remember the last time you got that excited. Looking around at the people pulling carts for their groceries, you wish that you’d thought to do the same. You feel a little better, though, when you realize it wouldn’t have mattered in the end anyway. You’re not on the first floor of the apartment, and there’s no elevator. But once you start to slow your pace due to the bags weighing you down despite your enhanced strength, Bucky gently taps you on the shoulder and says he’ll take over carrying the bags.
He sneaks more than a few glances at you, marveling at how you’re so happy when all you’re doing is buying food. He’s still terrified that at any moment someone will somehow figure out who you both are, but seeing the smile on your face, he stays quiet.
When you make your way back to the apartment, you thank him for coming with you. He’s stunned for a moment. All he knows is being told what to do. Or if he was asked, it was a trick question because the answer could’ve only ever been yes. But here you are, thanking him when all he did was follow you around for an hour and carry the bags of food.
“Oh I almost forgot!” You point to a small convenience store and begin to make your way over. “A cell phone. You can wait outside since you have all the bags, I’ll just be a minute.”
You’re not gone for only a minute, in fact, you’re gone for 4. Bucky’s almost on edge by the time you exit the store, and he breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees you. “Got it!” You wave the phone in your hand. “I took so long because the store owner was nice enough to cut the box open. He didn’t help me activate it though. Just to be safe I said I’d do it when I got home.”
After unpacking all of the groceries, you tell Bucky that you’re going to call Nat, and then Steve. You ask if he’d like to join you and talk to Steve, and part of you is hoping that with how great the night went, he’ll say yes. You know Steve would be overjoyed. But after a few seconds of contemplating, he shakes his head, mumbling something about being tired and just showering and going straight to bed. Not wanting him to think you’re upset, you smile and nod, saying you’ll see him in the morning.
Opening the phone, you quickly go to messages, and type in the number for the burner phone that Nat had you memorize. You type a simple message, “hey poser ;)” knowing she’ll get a laugh out of that message. It’s simple, but it lets her know that it’s you because you’re the only one on the team that noticed how she does the same pose whenever she lands after jumping or attacking someone from higher ground.
You figure you’d wait a while before she called you, but it’s only 10 seconds after pressing send that your phone began to ring.
“I was starting to think you were dead,” Nat says, sounding incredibly relieved.
“Yeah, sorry. I would’ve called sooner, but tonight was the first time we left the apartment. I shouldn’t stay on long, but I just wanted to check in and let you know that we’re both alive, and safe.”
“What got you to finally leave the place?”
“Needed groceries. This place was very well stocked, I’m surprised it took two months for us to need anything. Lucky thing though, we stocked up with just as much food this time. It was nice to get out, but even with the veils I think the safest thing is for us to stay indoors as much as possible. How are things there?”
Nat sighs, and you know that whatever she’s about to say can’t be good. She updates you on everything that went on after you and Bucky got out of the country. She explains that you and Bucky are still very much wanted in the United States, and that unfortunately even though it has been 2 months, you won’t be returning home anytime soon. You chat for a few more minutes, relieved to have this normal conversation. At the end, you ask if Steve has a burner phone. She says he didn’t before, but he got one as soon as he was out of the hospital. You’re both sure no one is listening in on the calls, but she still rattles off the number in Russian, just incase.
You type in that number in your phone, then send another quick text. “Hi news shoes!”, referring to when he told you he used to stuff newspapers into his shoes. Tony made some offhand joke about how his shoes back then could be big news if you all leaked that bit of information to the press, and to this day you still found that hilarious.
Same as when you text Nat, it’s only seconds later that the phone begins to ring.
You’re on the phone with Steve for a bit longer than you were with Nat, and it’s only as you’re talking to him that you fully realize how much you miss him. He truly became the big brother you never had. You update him about what’s been going on, and he’s relieved that you’re both safe.
“Sorry, Bucky was tired when we got back from the farmers market so he went straight to bed. I know you’d probably want to talk to him but—”
“Oh it’s okay, I’m just glad you’re both safe. Nat tell you what’s been going on?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry you guys have to deal with that stuff back home,” you bite your lip, unsure of how to phrase what you want to ask, “what’s going to happen to Bucky when we do come home?”
Steve sighs, “I don’t know, if it were right now it wouldn’t be anything good. The world doesn’t see Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier as two separate people. They think it’s one and the same, so right now he’d be charged to the fullest extent of the law. I’m hoping with more time and reasoning, I can get people to see that he only did those things because he had no choice. H-how… how is he?”
“Good, he’s talking to me a little more now. We usually eat together, at least for breakfast and dinner. I don’t want to pressure him and force conversation though, so I’m letting him set the pace.”
Towards the end of the conversation, you tell him the same thing you told Nat. It’s a burner phone so you’re sure no one’s tracking it, especially because you wore the veil when making the purchase so technically you didn’t buy it, but just to be safe once you hang up with him, you’re shutting it off. And as an extra precaution, you tell him that you’ll check in via text every 2 weeks, but phone calls might be limited to once a month. You let him know that once you send the check in text, you’ll leave the phone on for a few minutes incase they’re available to respond right away, but communication shouldn’t be any more than that.
Steve immediately agrees. As much as he’d love to talk to you daily just for verification that you’re still safe, he knows that the more you talk, the more at risk you are. Somehow, someone could trace the calls and figure out where you are.
After your outing at the farmers market, Bucky slowly begins to open up to you. He begins coming into the kitchen / living room not just to eat, but while you’re making the food too. And while you can tell it’s difficult, he puts in the effort to have conversations with you. Often times you’re having to steer the conversation, but the fact that he’s talking to you at all has you not minding one bit.
The first time he asks you a question about himself, you can tell he’s terrified. He feels an overwhelming mixture of shame and embarrassment. These are things about him, he should know them.
When you see him getting worked up, you quickly leave your spot at the kitchen sink and take a seat next to him on the couch. He stiffens, but relaxes as you begin talking. You assure him that it’s completely understandable that he has trouble remembering, especially given all that he was forced to go through. As you’re trying to reassure him, you remember the 2 other items you bought at the convenience store when you picked up the phone.
You jump up, excitedly telling him you have something for him and that you’ll be right back. When you come back, you approach him with your hands behind your back. He wonders what on earth you could be holding that has you smiling. After a moment, you finally sit down and show him what else you’d gotten, and he’s met with the sight of a blue notebook, small enough to fit in his pocket probably, and a pen that has different buttons to write in different colors. You don’t admit that you were drawn to the notebook because it was the same shade of blue as his eyes.
“So, this may be stupid, and if you hate the idea you can be honest and tell me and I promise I won’t be offended. But, since you’ve been remembering small things here and there, I thought you might like to write them down as you remember them, that way you can come back to this and look at it if you’re unsure,” you open the book to the first page and begin writing a couple of simple facts down, handing the book to him when you’re done. He takes it from you, eyes reading over the few things you’ve written down to start him off. It’s a gesture so simple, but enough to bring tears to his eyes.
Seeing him quickly swipe the tears away, you continue on, assuming he doesn’t want you to acknowledge the fact that you saw him cry. When you keep talking, he’s relieved. He’s not ready to open up about emotions just yet.
“I know in time you’ll remember lots more, like yesterday you remembered that you were from Brooklyn, and I hadn’t even prompted you with anything. Actually you can write that down if you’d like,” you hand him the pen.
He turns to a new page, not wanting to stain your writing with his messy scrawls. On the next page, he simply writes ‘From: Brooklyn, New York’ on the first line.
“I don’t know a whole lot, but during the time that I’ve known him I spent quite a lot of time with Steve and he talked a lot about you guys growing up, and your time during the war. If you have any questions, I can’t say that I’ll know off the top of my head, but I can try to help you or we can even ask Steve next time I check in.”
Hearing you mention the war, he hesitates before speaking up. “T…the people, that I served with. D—do you know…”
“Who you worked with?” You ask softly. When he nods, but doesn’t look up from the book, you continue, “you were part of a group called the Howling Commandos. Steve was too. And not including you both, there were eight other members. I can write down their names if you want?”
He shyly hands the book and pen back to you, and you turn to the third page before jotting down the names of all members of the Howling Commandos.
After you help Bucky and he slowly begins to fill the pages of his notebook, there’s another shift between you 2. He’s still not very chatty, which you completely understand, but he finds himself seeking your company more and more. When he suddenly remembered his mothers name, he burst out of his room and knocked on your door, asking for confirmation. The small smile you gave him when you nodded and said that yes, his moms name was Winnifred, he felt like his heart was going to burst with pride. Maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to get better.
There were a few things he asked you, that he couldn’t remember, but you didn’t know either. So during your next check in with Steve, you spent almost 20 minutes on the phone asking him the long list of questions. Bucky still wasn’t up to talking to him, and Steve completely understood. He was just more than happy that Bucky was asking these things.
Despite being cooped up in the apartment, you were rarely bored. It’s pretty big, 3 bedrooms, a bathroom, a spacious living room and a decent sized kitchen, all things considered you know how fortunate you are. At first, the extra room was pretty bare. Then one day when you’d been living there about 6 months, Bucky surprised you by knocking on your door and asking if you wanted to go on a walk. He saw how you often glanced out of the window by the front door, and thought that getting over his fear of being out in public during the day was the least he could do after all that you were doing for him.
So it was only 10 minutes later you were both slipping on the Photostatic Veils. You grabbed some money from where you and Bucky both hid it under a floorboard, slipped it into the wallet in the backpack, and headed out the door.
After only walking for a couple of blocks, you squealed and grabbed Bucky’s arm as you pointed off into the distance. He noticed that you didn’t even seem to care that it was his metal arm. He did panic initially wondering what got you so startled, but then he looked in the direction you were pointing and noticed a small used bookstore.
The 2 of you ended up in there for over an hour, you went up and down every single aisle twice, just so you could get a look at the books on both sides. Bucky ended up picking up a couple of books to read, but it was nothing compared to the mountain of books that you had in your arms by the time you finally headed for the register. He was still filled with anxiety, and on edge nearly the entire time you’d been out, but seeing the smile on your face as the employee packaged your books made it worth it. He may not know a lot of things, and he was working on that every day, but he knew that you were someone special to him now. Maybe he’d even suggest going on more outings.
As you exited the bookshop, you glanced at Bucky and noticed that he seemed to be getting tired. You could’ve easily stayed out for at least a couple more hours, but you knew that coming out to this one shop was a big step for Bucky, so you asked if he wouldn’t mind heading home so that you could put all the books away and maybe take a nap. He tried not to show just how relieved he was.
He ended up taking 3 of the 4 bags full of your purchases. You were enhanced and could carry them easily, but he liked helping you. Once you were back at the apartment, Bucky said he was going to take a nap while you got to work dusting off the shelves that looked like they hadn’t been touched in years. By the time he woke up an hour and a half later, all your books, including his, had been arranged in alphabetical order by authors last name.
Now that the spare room is filled with actual things instead of empty shelves and a small couch sitting in one corner, you begin to spend a lot more time there. One day you and Bucky venture out and even come home with a box containing a decent sized desk, to-be-assembled. You offer to help him, but he says he’s happy to do it himself, wanting a challenge. The fact that he used the word happy in reference to doing something, you’re more than willing to step aside.
After a few days of you spending at least an hour in there every day, he surprises you by joining you. While you sit at the chair and read, your feet usually propped up on the desk, he lounges on the couch. Sometimes he reads, sometimes he ends up taking a nap. He finds himself sneaking glances at you. He wonders how you’re so okay with this. It’s been over half a year of essentially just staying home and doing nothing. You literally went from being an Avenger one day, to a random civilian the next.
“Well, you did the same thing, right?”
He glances up, becoming embarrassed when he realizes that his thoughts were not, in fact, just thoughts. He’d spoken out loud. “Wh-what?”
“The Winter Soldier. That wasn’t you, you didn’t do those things by choice. You went from them forcing you to become him, to being a random civilian hiding out with someone who was a stranger in the beginning.”
As he lays his head back on the couch, he realizes that you’re right. Still, how are you willing to give up so much for him?
Before either of you know it, a year has gone by, and according to Nat, you’re still no closer to being able to come home.
Things are so different than when you first arrived. About 8 months in, Bucky spoke up one night while you guys were eating dinner. He apologized that you were always cooking for him. You said it was genuinely not a problem, before you officially became an Avenger and you just trained and stayed home while the team went on missions, the kitchen used to be one of your favorite places to be. And you didn’t admit this to him, but you liked feeling needed.
The next morning, Bucky approached you as you were getting out everything needed to make breakfast. He timidly asked if you’d show him how, that way he might be able to do it sometimes. It took nearly twice as long, but neither of you minded one bit. In fact, once you were done eating and he had done the dishes, Bucky went to write in his journal. At the top, he put the date so that he wouldn’t forget when this happened. Then all he wrote underneath was ‘I helped her make breakfast. Today’s gonna be good’.
And a lot more was different besides alternating who did the cooking. You and Bucky now went on walks at least 3 times a week, loving the chance to get some fresh air and feel the sun on your face, but still not quite comfortable enough to make it a daily habit, this was also why you waited until early evening when the sun was beginning to set. He still asked you questions every now and then, but had begun remembering a lot more. His notebook was now over half full, and you were proud of him for putting in so much effort. You told him as much, and he hoped that you didn’t notice the way he blushed.
Right at the start of month 11, he even talked to Steve. You were doing your monthly phone call, and towards the end Bucky came and sat next to you on the couch, pointing to the phone. You had it on speaker, so you told Steve to hold on a minute. After a few seconds of silence, Bucky finally spoke up. He may have only said “hey, Steve”, but that was more than enough.
During the next monthly phone call with Steve, he tells you about 2 new people on the team. Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. He tells you a little bit about them, but then says that you’ll eventually meet them yourself.
(((since AOU happened while Bucky was in Romania, you obviously weren’t there for that. also I couldn’t kill off my sweet baby Pietro so surprise bitches, he lived. Steve doesn’t want to worry you telling you all that went down dealing with Ultron because you’re so far away and couldn’t do anything anyway, so he spared the details and just said 2 new people joined the team. He’ll tell you everything later, when you’re home.)))
Then about a year and a couple of weeks in, you wake up one night to a loud noise. At first you weren’t sure what it was, and you were filled with panic as you thought this is it, they’ve found us and now we’re going to die. But you heard the noise again, and your heart broke as you realized it was Bucky having a nightmare. He mentioned once that he had them occasionally, but quickly changed the subject after that, so you hadn’t pressed the matter. This was the first time the nightmare was bad enough that it caused him to scream, usually he just woke up in a panic.
You got out of bed and made your way to his room that was only right next door. Stepping inside, you closed the door behind you, not wanting the noise to drift out of the room and out of the apartment through the open window. You heard him mumbling in Russian, and feared that he had somehow slipped back into Winter Soldier mode. Now you were really unsure of what to do. You experienced firsthand how dangerous the Winter Soldier was. It wouldn’t be safe for you to try to wake him up. But you couldn’t just let Bucky toss and turn until the nightmare finally ended.
Finally, you settle for using your powers. You raise your left hand, and the yellow energy begins to glow around it. You slowly move your hand, causing the pillow that had fallen to the floor to lift up in the air. You place it on the bed, then move it closer to Bucky. You drop it when it touches him, hoping the small bump will wake him up. When he doesn’t open his eyes, you try again. That little bump is enough this time, and he shoots up, gasping for air.
“Bucky?” You stay right where you are, not wanting to frighten him.
He looks at you, eyes wide, and for a few seconds he doesn’t know who you are, or where he is. But you see the moment his mind starts to connect the dots, and he puts his head in his hands, ashamed that you just witnessed that.
“Do you know who you are?” You ask, taking a step closer to his bed.
For a second, he fears that you’ve somehow forgotten him. “You… you don’t know my name?”
You smile as you take a seat on the edge of the bed, careful not to invade his space. “No I know your name. I just wanna know if you know your name.”
“Bucky… Barnes…” he trails off, unable to make eye contact.
“Good,” you move a little closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Again, he can’t help but notice it’s his left shoulder, and you don’t seem to mind. “If you want to talk about it, I’ll sit here and listen as long as you want. It used to help me to talk about them, the nightmares. But sometimes you don’t want to, and that’s fine too. If it’s better, now that you’re okay I can just go back to my room. Whatever makes you more comfortable.”
He hesitates, desperately wanting you to stay, but also sure that you’re now disgusted by him. You’ve been sleeping under the same roof as a monster, and now you’ve witnessed him fighting his demons firsthand.
“Hey,” you run a hand through his hair, “it’s okay, I promise. We don’t have to talk about the nightmares just yet. Will you tell me what else you remember? I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, you can lay back down.”
After another moment of hesitation, he gets back under the covers and silently watches as you move yourself so that you’re leaning against the headboard, holding on to the extra pillow.
“My… my name is James, but my middle name is Buchanan and everyone calls me Bucky. I was born on March—” he pauses as he tries to remember, “tenth, in 1917. My mom’s name was Winnifred…”
You sit next to him for half an hour as he tells you every little thing that he remembers. When he mentions an old memory with Steve, you can’t help but laugh. For just a few minutes as he tells the story, you see the young boy he once was.
That night once again changes something for both of you. After Bucky manages to fall asleep, you end up getting under the covers and laying down. It’s a mixture of being so exhausted, and wanting to make sure Bucky is okay and doesn’t have any more nightmares. When you wake up, you realize that your head is on Bucky’s chest, and his metal arm is wrapped protectively around you. You don’t move, scared that you’ll wake him up.
When he finally does wake up, and it’s to an empty bed, he’s worried that he scared you off. You really helped him last night, and he hopes that you won’t be afraid of him now. But then he hears your soft knocks on the door, letting him know that you’ve made breakfast. He surprises you by pulling you in for a hug when he walks into the kitchen. It’s the first time he has initiated physical contact with you, not counting last night when you were both asleep. You immediately wrap your arms around him, whispering that you’re glad he’s okay.
“Hey,” you put a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at you. “I meant what I said, if you ever want to talk about the nightmares. But if you don’t that’s still okay. I want you to still wake me if it happens again, please?”
He wants to say no, not wanting to bother you with his nightmares. But when he looks at you, he sees that you genuinely care. You’re the first person that he has spent so much time with that hasn’t wanted to torture him or cause him pain, or use him as a weapon. It may have taken a while, but he knows that now he trusts you with his life. For a year, you’ve pretty much been his only human contact.
“Okay,” he whispers. It turns out that the nightmares were a lot more frequent than you realized. When he knocks on your door 3 nights in a row, on the morning of day 4 you suggest that he just starts sleeping in your room. You can tell he’s scared of hurting you, but you assure him that it’ll be fine. You just want to make sure he’s safe, and you want to be there to reassure him that nothing bad is going to happen to him.
The intimacy is sort of unspoken. When you fall asleep, you always start out on opposite sides of the bed. But come morning, you’re either asleep with your head on Bucky’s chest, or he’s the little spoon and your arms are wrapped around him from behind.
Not that he was ever really allowed to think for himself as the Winter Soldier, but Bucky never thought he’d be this close with someone again. Now that he remembers a lot of his past, he thinks back on when he was younger. Even though he was a bit of a flirt, he was never this…domestic, this intimate, with girls he went on dates with. Neither of you are exactly sure what you are, but you’re content.
When even more time passes by, and you and Bucky have been hiding out in Bucharest for over a year and a half, there’s another setback. He has a nightmare, and you quickly stand up, not wanting to be too close when he wakes up. You may be fast, but the Winter Soldier is faster. He’s up before you even have time to process what’s happening, and he has you on the ground with his metal hand around your throat before you can even say his name.
You struggle against his grip, not wanting to use your powers to their full extent because you know you could kill him. But you manage to loosen his grip just enough to whisper his name. That snaps him out of his trance, and he immediately lets go, pulling you up and crushing you in a hug.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry—” He can’t get any other words out as sobs take control of his body. After a few minutes in each other’s embrace, the full weight of what he just did to you seems to hit him. He steps back, holding you at arms length. When he drops his arms, you see that mask again. The one he had constantly when you first got to the safe house.
“Bucky, it’s okay. I’m okay,” you try to reassure him, but shrink back when he tenses up at your touch.
He paces back and forth, “I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know what happen. Fuck— I’ve been doing so good. I don’t… I don’t know why that happened…” he looks up at you, tears threatening to spill at any moment, “I shouldn’t be in here anymore. I don’t want to hurt you.” He turns and leaves your room, ignoring your protests.
It’s a full week before Bucky speaks to you again. For a while, things are back to how they used to be. You continue with your normal daily routine, but he waits until you’re in the shower or in your room before leaving his. Then one night, you’re woken up to the sound of his screams. It’s the first time since he started staying in his room again. Before you can even pull yourself out of bed, the apartment becomes silent once again. As you’re debating what to do, you hear a few knocks at your door.
When you pull the door open, a teary eyed Bucky is revealed. “I… I didn’t know where else to go,” he whispers, looking down at his feet as if unsure of what to do.
“Oh Buck,” you hold your arms out, and he breathes a huge sigh of relief once he’s in your arms. You both stand there for what could be a minute, or even an hour, neither of you pay attention. You gently pull Bucky to your bed, motioning for him to get in on what was pretty much his side. Once he did, you climbed in after him, and he didn’t hesitate before pulling you into his arms.
You fall asleep almost immediately, but Bucky is wide awake. Instead of dwelling on the nightmares, he chooses to focus on your heartbeat. You’re real, you’re right there with him, and he’s not in that bad place anymore. After 20 minutes of still not being able to fall asleep, he carefully reaches into the bedside table, making sure he doesn’t move enough that you wake up. He opens the little blue notebook to the first page and begins reading, mostly focusing on the words that you’ve written.
And as he lays there, with you in his arms, and your words on his pages, he thinks about the life that he previously led. How it led him to you. And he knows it’s unrealistic to think that you and him could stay there in that little apartment forever, but if that were to somehow happen, he knows it would be okay. He has you, and that’s enough for a good life.
The next morning, Bucky joins you for breakfast. Once you’ve finished eating and he put away the dishes, he approaches you. The first thing you notice is how nervous he seems. “Can— can I tell you about the nightmares now?”
You follow him into his room again, and he hands you a few pieces of paper ripped out from the notebook. “I didn’t want to stain the book with my nightmares, so I tore the pages out. You can read them.”
As you read over the detailed descriptions of the things that haunt him when he closes his eyes, you feel your heart break with every sentence. And you don’t even realize you’re crying until Bucky gently puts a hand under your chin, causing you to look up at him.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry, doll. I just… wanted you to know what’s going on inside my head sometimes. You don’t have to cry for me, I know the nightmares aren’t real, it just doesn’t seem that way when I’m actually in them. But I’m doing better now, I promise.” He doesn’t add that he’s doing so much better because of you. And he’d never admit it out loud, but a small part of him hopes that he’s with you in Bucharest for a while longer, though like he thought last night, he knows it’s unrealistic. Although he’s better than when you first arrived, he knows he’s nowhere near ready to go back into the world and have to face the consequences of the Winter Soldier’s actions.
You’re worried about that too. The past year and a half, although a bit mundane because you were previously used to intense training and going on missions at least once a week, you’ve enjoyed this time with Bucky. Steve used to talk about him so much that you were always sad thinking you’d never get to meet him.
Now, you had. And although he was obviously quite different from the person in Steve’s stories, you could see bits of who he used to be shining through a little more every day. But based on what Steve and Nat said, the rest of the world still wasn’t anywhere close to seeing Bucky that way. You knew that he wouldn’t be able to join the rest of the world again unless people could get it in their heads that Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier were 2 completely different people. And you wouldn’t be able to go back to life as an Avenger until people saw that you weren’t protecting the Winter Soldier. You were protecting Bucky Barnes.
Things were tough, but there were more good days than bad, and you found yourself being glad that Steve encouraged you to go after the Winter Soldier back on the beach. Initially your sole focus was on making sure Steve stayed alive until help arrived. You saw the Winter Soldier walking away, but it hadn’t occurred to you to run after him. You can’t imagine if you hadn’t. Where he would’ve ended up, and how he would’ve been alone as the Winter Soldier slipped away and Bucky resurfaced.
“Hey, you still with me?” Bucky tilted his head, concerned for you.
“Yeah, I’m just… I don’t know. It’s crazy that a year and a half ago we were complete strangers. And now I can’t imagine not knowing you. That might be weird to say and I know you may not be completely comfortable around me just yet but I’m really glad that I followed you and came with you to Romania. You’ve shown so much growth and strength during the time that we’ve been here, and I’m really proud of you.”
Bucky tries to fight the tears that he feels coming on. When you put a hand on his cheek, he finds himself leaning in to your touch. He also can’t believe it. A year and a half ago, he never would’ve willingly let someone touch him like this. Now, he craves it. “I’m just sorry I’m still having bad days.”
“Bucky, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. It’s completely understandable, you’ve been through more than anyone should ever have to go through, and I’m so sorry that all of that was put on you. You don’t deserve the pain that you’re feeling. I know it’s hard, and you may not believe it yet, but I’ll say it every day until you do. You are not the Winter Soldier. You are James Buchanan Barnes. There were bad days, there’ll probably be more bad days ahead, but there have also been really good days and I know that we have a lot more of those in the future. You are the strongest person that I have ever met, and I know that you’ll get through this.”
This time, he let’s the tears fall. As he looks at you with nothing but adoration in his eyes, he finds himself thinking about something he hasn’t done in a long time. He puts a hand on the back of your neck and leans down so that your foreheads are touching. You slowly nod your head, knowing what he’s silently asking.
The kiss is gentle, and sweet. You’d be lying if you said that today was the first moment you thought about kissing him. You’d think about it when you caught him sneaking glances at you, or when you’d wake up in the morning before he did and you got to just look at his beautiful face. But you didn’t want him to feel pressured, or like you were trying to force anything between you 2. Now that you knew the feelings were mutual at least on some level, you were overcome with a sense of happiness.
When you finally pull apart, you’ve both got the biggest smiles on your faces.
“I know I still have a lot of work left to do,” Bucky takes your hands in his, “and I’m not anywhere near the man I want to be, I’m not anywhere near deserving of your love, or the man that I know you deserve, but doll I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish you were my girl. I know I come with a lot of baggage and you could probably find someone so much better than me. But what we have… I mean if you’ll have me…” he trails off, suddenly feeling nervous.
You smile as you think about just how far the man standing in front of you has come. The fact that he’s able to express his emotions to you in such a vulnerable way, you don’t think that’ll ever fail to amaze you. “You, Bucky Barnes, are without a doubt the best man I know. What I have with you, I don’t want with anyone else. Despite all you’ve endured, you’re still gentle, and kind, and you deserve all of that in return. I don’t know that I’m worthy of your love, but if you’ll have me, I’ll be your girl. I’m not much, but—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I could look at you for a minute, and find a thousand things that I love about you. You are everything.”
The next 6 months are pure bliss. You leave the apartment more, not even minding the feel of the Photostatic Veil on your faces anymore. Spending so much time conversing with the locals, you’re now practically fluent in Romanian. You and Bucky now frequent the farmers market a lot more. Still mostly at night, but it’s nice to go on walks. After you officially became his girl, Bucky was filled with warmth the first time he held your hand when you started your walk out of the apartment building.
The last stop at the markets is always the fruit stand. Bucky was still recovering memories, but it had slowed a bit. You remembered when you took a particularly hard hit to the head one mission, and the next morning you walked out to the kitchen on your floor and saw a bowl of plums at the counter. Tony told you later that day that he and Bruce researched ways to help your memory improve, since the hit caused you to lose that entire day, and he said they found that plums were rich with antioxidants to protect the brain. People also found that eating them was associated with improved brain function and thinking. You said as much to Bucky, and he was more than happy to try anything that might help him remember faster.
You weren’t sure if it worked, because memories seemed to more or less return at the same pace, but he kept up with eating a plum every other day anyway.
He surprised you one night by asking you to tell him about Steve. The memories that he’d been getting back mostly involved early childhood, a few bad memories of being the Winter Soldier, and his time in the war, but specifically when Steve wasn’t there. He had a few memories of the 2 of them as young teens, and maybe 1 or 2 from after Steve rescued him, but he still didn’t remember much about the man who was his best friend. But when you mentioned one night that he was your partner on missions, he worked up the courage to ask you about him.
So one night while he held you in his arms, you told him basically everything you knew about Steve. About the stories he’d told you growing up in Brooklyn, how he needed Bucky to come to his rescue way too often because he never backed down from a fight, in fact he started a lot of them too. Bucky laughed as you told him about the time he and Steve ditched school to go watch a movie, only to be greeted by Sarah Rogers when they walked out of the theater. She’d been on her way to the post office right across the street and saw the boys run in. Knowing she’d ground Steve after he walked out, she decided to let them have their fun and watch the film.
When you told him about how Steve still lit a candle on a small cupcake every year for Bucky’s birthday, he wiped away a couple of tears.
“I know that look,” you gave him a kiss on the cheek, pulling him from the dark thoughts you knew were creeping up on him. “He isn’t mad that you haven’t spoken to him. He still knows you, but you’re re-learning him and he gets that, I promise. Whenever you and I go back to the United States, he’ll be there whenever you’re ready to see him again.”
Now, present day, you and Bucky have been living in Romania for about 2 years and a month. He surprises you by asking if you wanted to browse the farmers market during the day. For no particular reason, you 2 had slipped back into the habit of only leaving the apartment at night.
“I was just going to ask you that!” You exclaim, already heading to your room to change. And you really had been thinking about it. Bucky was doing so much better that you thought an outing during the day would be good.
15 minutes later, Bucky locks the apartment and you 2 head off down the street, hand-in-hand.
“I didn’t even notice until right now,” you use your free hand to tug on the sleeve of his jacket, “this is the exact outfit you were wearing when we left the United States.”
“Yeah, the shirts kind of grown on me,” he laughs. Truth be told, the red henley shirt was something of a comfort to him. It was the first thing you’d given him. Before he began spending time with you, he would wear it to sleep a lot.
Your entire body fills with dread when you see a man eyeing Bucky from a newspaper stand. You don’t look like your actual selves, but something about the way he’s staring at you. You’re both of course unaware of the fact that a few of the locals have noticed things. Specifically, that the 2 of you seemed out of place. And it was quite odd how you started living in the apartment right after the Winter Soldier and you went into hiding. They knew the man that normally rented the unit. What he did, how he sometimes helped people.
Before he even notices what you’re doing, you jog across the street and pick up the paper he was holding. He quickly catches up to you, and both of your eyes widen in horror as you read. WINTER SOLDIER CÂUTAT PENTRU BOMBARDMENTUL DIN VIENNA. “Winter Soldier Wanted for Vienna Bombing,” you whisper. “But— you’ve been here with me this whole time. I don’t understand.”
“We have to go. Now.” Bucky grabs your hand, dropping the paper in the process. You both take off walking as quickly as possible, knowing just outright running would draw too much attention to you both.
It feels like an eternity before you finally make it back to your apartment, and you can immediately tell that something’s wrong. Bucky puts a finger up to his lips, signaling to be quiet as you enter the building. He goes in front of you, and when he doesn’t call out to you after a few seconds, you slowly walk around the corner. You don’t know what you were expecting, but it wasn’t this.
“Steve?”
aaaaaand boom we’re in civil war! i genuinely didn’t know where to end it. left it kind of open ended so that you could picture things turning out however you want? or would anyone want a part 2 that goes into civil war? this was already longer than i anticipated and i didn’t want it to be like 20k+ words so, idk let me know! likes / re-blogs / feedback is always appreciated :)
#bucky barnes#winter soldier#winter soldier au#bucky barnes au#civil war au#steve rogers#captain america#sebastian stan#chris evans#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x reader#winter soldier x you#winter soldier x reader#bucky barnes one shot#winter soldier one shot#marvel#mcu#marvel au#natasha romanoff#black widow#sam wilson#falcon#hydra#s.h.i.e.l.d.#avengers#avengers au#rue’s 2k#writing challenge
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Darren Criss: ‘Nobody wants to know about the good things on Glee – but I was f***ing there’
You’re getting a full-on TED talk where I get further and further up my own ass and pop out of my own mouth, so buckle up.” Darren Criss is an explosion of chaotic energy. The Glee star also has a lot say, often veering off in slightly paranoid tangents to readjust his points for fear of being misquoted. Maybe it’s because he knows I’ll have to mention some contentious topics, such as his Glee castmate Lea Michele’s behaviour on set or his history of playing LGBT+ characters. Or maybe it’s because I am a member of the British press, which he says is “evil”, adding, “I do not trust you.” Even the topic of his new Christmas album, A Very Darren Crissmas, takes us to unexpected places.
“Aside from it being a painfully convenient pun… It’s a very, very me thing, from the people that I worked on it with and the songs that I chose that are deeply personal,” he says. “There is just a whole lot of me in this and arguably, it’s one of the most personal albums or bodies of work I’ve ever made. But it perhaps might get lost in the sheen of what Christmas is.” His nails, aptly, are painted with candy stripes.
As I sit across a large conference table from Criss, it’s clear he’s put a lot of thought into making the perfect festive record, from his collaborators (Adam Lambert, Lainey Wilson, Evan Rachel Wood) to every meticulously placed high hat or pizzicato string. “To me - and this isn’t to over romanticise it because I’m promoting a Christmas album - when you think of the Great American Songbook, and you think of jazz standards, Christmas songs are a huge part of those,” he says. “On Top 40 radio, they will play songs from the Thirties to the Fifties right alongside the best of the most contemporary hits. That’s such a f***ing crazy anomaly to how music consumption ordinarily works.
Criss says he’s “cursed with constant curiosity in processes”, whether that be with music or acting. It was on YouTube that he first found recognition, starring in the parody stage show A Very Potter Musical, before making it big time on musical comedy Glee, as Blaine Anderson, a member of rival show choir the Dalton Academy Warblers. But it was his chilling performance as the sadomasochistic killer Andrew Cunanan in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story that felt like a watershed moment, earning him an Emmy, Golden Globe, Critics’ Choice and SAG Award.
Before Glee, Criss had had small roles in Eastwick and Cold Case, but Ryan Murphy’s showchoir comedy allowed him to do both his passions simultaneously. He’d previously gone up for bit parts on the show but being cast as Blaine was his “Slumdog Millionaire moment”, where his first song on the show (a cover of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”) reached No 8 in the Billboard Hot 100. As with his Christmas album, it was a place to perform old and new songs together - something he was doing before the show, when he would spend hours every week playing covers in bars and restaurants.
Blaine joined the show in season two (when Glee was already watched by tens of millions) as a love interest for fan-favourite Kurt Hummel, played by Chris Colfer. For many viewers, it was the first time they’d seen a young gay couple presented positively on the small screen. “I have a lot of queer folks that come up to me, particularly older folks, that will say how much that relationship meant to them,” Criss tells me. “They’ll say, ‘When I was growing up, I didn’t really ever get to see that on TV’… and then I always remind them, neither did I… As a cis straight man, I also didn’t see that. And while I have not grown up as a queer person, I’m a lifetime subscriber, man. I’m a season ticket holder to the queer experience. I grew up in San Francisco in the Nineties; these are people that raised my cultural awareness… [so] also it means a lot to me.”
But the topic of straight actors playing LGBT+ roles is a much-debated issue. Neil Patrick Harris, who starred in Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway before Criss did it on the US tour, has previously defended the practice, saying that there is “something sexy” about it. How does he feel about it? Here, that mistrust comes out in Criss - a fear of misspeaking on “complex” issues. “This is a really tough one because, let’s just say, I’ve been s*** on,” he says. “No matter what I say, I’m going to get into the same mess that I’ve always gotten in, which is me being what I believe is very fair and diplomatic, but nobody’s interested in that, because compassion is not currently in vogue. So I don’t know what to say.” We can come back to the question if he wants time to gather his thoughts? “I’m making it sound like I have some controversial thing to say, which I don’t,” he hastens to clarify. “What I say is very normal.” We agree to come back to it.
Unfortunately for us both, the hard questions can’t end here. Last year, Glee was rocked by a series of accusations of bad practice and a toxic work environment on set. The most prominent were aimed at Lea Michele, who played the annoying and ambitious Rachel Berry and was accused by former co-star Samantha Ware of making her life a “living hell” on set. I can feel Criss suck the air through his teeth as I mention the allegations. “Bro, you’re getting right into it,” he says.
There’s a pause. “This is no bulls*** PR nonsense between you and me in this room, and whoever the f*** you want to tell. I have nothing but positive things to say about every single person on that show. I had such lovely interactions with everybody… for somebody who may get pinned as Mr Happy-Go-Lucky, it’s a bummer to me that I can’t celebrate the good things about people who have been extraordinary because I think the great things about people are not as fun to advertise as s***ty moments.” While he says he’s not speaking about any cast members in particular, he knows that fans want the “juicy tea” and will “love to try and think of their own version” when they read this. He’s probably right.
Criss continues: “Working on set is an extraordinarily high-pressure zone where the rules are famously written in sand… There’s a great deal of context and compassion that is missing that nobody wants to know about or write about. But I was f***ing there, and I saw a lot of good things. I saw ‘not great’ things, but not because these people are bad people, truly.” Maybe it’s his “bleeding heart idealism”, he adds, but “I don’t believe anybody was ever twisting their moustache, like” - he puts on a Dick Dastardly voice - “‘I know, I shall compromise these people by doing the following things.’”
It’s also easy to forget that this was a young cast, many of whom were in their first TV roles and had been “shot out of a cannon into the public sphere”. “I f***ing dare anybody out there to have the constitution to be able to deal with that in a way that is spotless,” he says. “Think about it this way. Think about members of your family, fights that you’ve had, things that were said that weren’t meant… If it was written down, or somebody outside the family saw it and broadcast it to other people, it would make you look like a s***ty family… The next night, you’re at dinner, the holidays roll around. You give each other a hug, you respect each other, you love each other. That’s how families work… No one’s gonna write about the good stuff. So I’m here to tell you there was a lot more good stuff than there was bad stuff.”
It was on the show that Criss first worked with Ryan Murphy - a man he describes as a provocateur and a “first-rate showman”. The Nip/Tuck creator was Glee’s showrunner, but it took The Assassination of Gianni Versace, episodes of which were directed by Murphy, for the pair to really collaborate. The second American Crime Story season told the story of Andrew Cunanan, a young Californian who murdered five men in 1997, one of whom was the Italian fashion designer. While the other ACS miniseries have told incredibly well-known stories, Criss found creative freedom in the fact that Cunanan - who died by suicide eight days after shooting Versace - was more of a mystery.
“Unlike if you’re playing OJ, or if you’re playing Monica Lewinsky or Bill Clinton, or these public figures that have an extraordinary amount of documentation of how they look, how they sound, how they walk, how they talk, there was next to nothing on Andrew, which gave me kind of carte blanche to do whatever,” he says. “I think if Andrew was somebody that everybody knew, I think people would have had a very different expectation, because the assignment would have been different.”
It’s here that Criss brings us back to the LGBT+ question, saying that he doesn’t want to “shy away” from the topic. “I think for any role that you’re up for, you want to know if you add value to it, right?” he says. “The Cunanan role came up simply because I’m half Filipino and I share a pretty similar likeness to the guy… He was also very white passing, which I am as well, so there’s a lot of things there that really fit… There are so many performances that are either straight roles given by queer actors or queer roles that are done by straight actors that are so beloved, that we just don’t talk about those. But if they’re done poorly, we get up in arms and we blame it on the fact that this person isn’t queer, this person isn’t straight, as opposed to maybe they just weren’t the right person for the job?”
The problem, he says, is the “double standard” placed on performers once they become public figures - say, on a show like Glee. “If there’s a role that requires somebody or something about them, whether it’s a queer character, or a character that does this or has this background, if we know nothing about them, do we have the objectivity to appreciate their performance?” he asks. “Did they do a good job? Did they service the story? Did they give it life? Did we believe it? Did it give the thing that that character represents visibility? And because the veil has been lifted, we can see everything about somebody. I’m now in a position in my life where folks can look up anything about me, at least [that] I’ve let out there. That is a standard that is held up to the roles that I play.”
Criss says that while there’s no “hard and fast rule”, he is acutely aware of the “social barometer” and has turned down “plenty of queer roles” over the years, saying: “I’ll read a script and go, ‘I, as a consumer, would rather see a queer man do this role.’” A few years ago he made headlines for seeming to say that he wouldn’t play an LGBT+ character ever again. Today, he says that was a misquote. “I was like, ‘I never said this,’” he says. “What I did say was that I don’t want to be another…” He seems to lose his train of thought. “This is less about what I said and more about the issue of clickbait and how it can dilute what was actually said and it becomes corrosive to the overall message. That’s what’s unfortunate to me.” He pauses. “You should f***ing quote me on that. You won’t, but it’s OK.”
‘A Very Darren Crissmas’ is out now
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Wild Nights, Wild Hearts (One-Shot?)
“Mystery man”
[Main characters: Mikael Blomkvist X Reader]
Plot: It is time to head back to work as a lecturer at your university after a successful first semester. Unfortunately for you, one of your guest lecturers is a familiar face from a wild night out…
[A/N: Wrote this ages ago and thought, hey why not? Okay, so I don’t know if this is going to be an actual thing. Like I assume it’s going to be a one-shot. Plus, in all fairness, Mikael is my favourite non-Bond character of Daniel’s, so I thought it’s time to appreciate this man in all his glory. I hope you enjoy this! Let me know what you think?]
Music continued to boom through the speakers. The flashing lights and smoke was intense, but you didn’t care. As long as you were still with your friends, celebrating a birthday amongst the group, that's all that mattered. What also helped was the fact your sultry look managed to get you quite a few free drinks from the bartender. You weren’t used to this kind of attention, often keeping a natural look. However, this was your friend and co-worker’s birthday. You wanted to spice things up and look incredible for her. Of course, when Maisie saw you for the first time, she was surprised. In fact, her jaw dropped at how glamorous you looked. “Girl what the HELL! After Florence Pugh, you are a woman I’d proudly fuck.” You remember her particularly saying and that was the start of an incredibly wild night.
“Javier, can I get another tequila please!” You scream with excitement at the bar, Javier proudly pours you your sixth tequila shot.
“This one’s on the house my darling, Y/N.” He pushed the shot glass in front of you and your eyes widen with excitement. You had to admit, you do have a thing for tequila so this man feeding you free drinks made the night all the better.
“You spoil me.” You winked as you took the shot and walked off to join the rest of your friends.
The night followed with more dancing and more drinks between your friends. At some point on the floor, you started to get tired and your craving for more drinks kicked in because you found yourself at the bar once again. This time you were looking for something more than a shot. “Okay, so it’s like a sex on the beach but like so much fruiter, like with strawberries!” You tried to explain but in your drunken state, Javier couldn’t help but laugh as he struggled listening to you.
“You know what? You tell me what to do and I’ll make it for you.” He said and a devious grin appeared on your face. So you watched, instructing him on how to make your special cocktail and when he finished, he threw a small umbrella inside it to serve you. You sipped it and couldn’t help but moan. It was glorious...Well maybe it would’ve been if you could taste it at all.
“Can I have what she’s having?” A baritone voice said beside you. You turned with your eyebrow raised. “And I’ll pay for hers.”
He reached into his wallet, still looking into your eyes as he handed Javier his card. You weren’t sure whether it was the alcohol or the fact you were practically pushed against each other with how packed the bar was but this man was...incredibly handsome. Rugged dirt blonde hair, bright blue eyes that gave you butterflies and his dark blue shirt didn’t help as you couldn’t help but stare at his chest from time to time. Javier turned back to make your drink for the stranger and handed it over to him.
“If you’re going to have a cocktail, you’ve got to get it right. Strawberries with the ice.” He said with a smirk but you couldn’t hear him. Not with the music blasting over you...and his dreamy eyes.
“What?” You tried to shout out.
“I said-” He could barely get a word out in all the noise and you could see it. Quickly, you grabbed his hand and pulled him to a quieter table in the corner. “That’s better - wow.” He suddenly stopped himself when he took another look at you. “You’re really beautiful.”
“Smooth.” You chuckled. Alright, so at this point, usually you would say thanks and dip to find your friends. However, this man, bless him, appeared mesmerized by you. He was in awe of you and not just looking at your chest or your figure as though he were some creep. You both hadn’t realised you were still holding hands, leaning into each other.
“Hey, that’s unfair! I’m not usually bold with women.” Something about the mystery man was telling you he was honest. “The strong and silent type is full of surprises.” He said and you swear to god, you could see even he knew what he was doing with that statement. To be honest, he was right. With those eyes, he wouldn’t have to say a single word to get you to go home with him. Throughout the night, you both kept rambling to each other about everything and nothing but you were both having fun, laughing together and putting each other at ease. Your friends must’ve noticed you because they were all staring at the two of you in awe, sharing drinks together, leaning into each other. Then ‘Someone New’ by Hozier began to play. Oh no. Any slow song that played while you were next to a man was a recipe for disaster. The mystery man ,on his high, pulled you closer. “Oh no, I can’t go out there!” You said. “Come on, what happened to that confidence I saw earlier?!” He laughed.
“Listen, I can pick and choose when I want to be brave!” You snapped back. “Why are you so bold all of a sudden?!”
“What can I say? You bring out a new side to me.” He laughed and before you could fight back, he managed to bring you to the floor. You couldn’t tell him why this was a bad idea but...maybe it wasn’t now you were in his arms, moving around the floor. He held you close and you didn’t want to leave. Not with the high of the drinks and after such a good night filled with laughter. Who knows? Maybe when you wake up the next day, you’d regret it. But for now, you were going to appreciate being here with him...but now you were filled with anticipation, you were craving something. Uh oh. You were craving him. Suddenly, a surge of confidence filled you and you looked up at him. He had already been looking at you. Quickly, he leaned in and you found yourselves kissing with a raw, fiery passion that remained unmatched. You could tell how much he wanted you. In fact, you could feel it as he pressed you against him. But you didn’t care. You ran your fingers through his hair, now the heated kiss becoming lazy until you bit his lip, catching him by surprise. When you pulled back breathlessly, he smirked. “Oh shut up, I know what you’re going to say.” You playfully pushed his chest.
The hangover the next day was going to be ridiculous but you didn’t care. The mystery man had you all over him, and he? All over you.
Rain violently bounced against the wall of your office. Across you sat Maisie, who happened to be an English lecturer. You were one of the lecturers, who had just finished your PHD in Media and Cultural Studies and when offered a job at the university, you couldn’t help yourself but stay. It was decent pay after all and after three years with the university, you realised your students loved you. There were wild lecturers in the school of arts department, who overshared and gladly you weren’t one of them but your students knew you well enough to seem relatable. However, you were hoping that today they would not quiz you on your hangover. Especially your seminar classes, they really loved hearing whatever you went through.
Right now, you sat at the table, head against the desk of your office while Maisie watched you groan.
“Oh my god.” Was all you could mumble. This was not how you wanted to spend your first week back of the second semester. Your head was pounding violently, you were nauseous, stomach turning. The only thing saving you was the cup of coffee you had in hand, after being forced to take an espresso shot, you were still practically dead. Maisie simply sat there shaking her head. God, she had no right to judge you after goading you into going out. “You should have known not to go hard on the drinks!”
“But...free…” The words fell from your lips.
“Javier gives free drinks all the time, I’m surprised it doesn’t get him fired. You should’ve known, he did this last time. Actually, that reminds me, where did you go last night?”
And then you remembered. You went off with a mystery man, an incredibly handsome mystery man. That, you were fortunate enough to remember. With your head against the table, you smirked, so your friend wouldn’t see.
“Don’t pretend as if we didn’t see you walking off and kissing that man, who by the way is a huge score! We spent all night fangirling about him.” Maisie said with excitement but all you could do was groan again, “Come on! You have to tell me! What happened?”
“Nothing happened.” You mumbled into your arms. Okay something happened but you still didn’t want to say anything.
“Don’t lie to me! You have to tell me, it was my birthday, meaning you have to tell me what YOU did on my day!”
You still refused to move. As your knight in shining armour, the Head of Faculty, Andrew stormed into the room, coffee mug and binder in hand. “Right! Who’s ready for a day full of learning ladies!” Maisie laughed as all you could let out was a groan.
“Oh, not you too!” He let out an irritated huff. “This is ridiculous. Seems like there’s a lot of hangovers going around this morning.”
“Really?” Maisie said, leaning forward with excitement.
“Yeah, I just got off the phone with the guest lecturer. He is bloody hungover too. Could hear it in his voice.” Shit. Guest lecturer. One of the senior lecturers decided to go on a research leave mid-year, which didn’t help your cause as you were left with over one hundred students needing attention. That is when the head of faculty, Andrew, who you adored, decided to call in a guest lecturer, an industry expert in the field to provide you with support. Only thing is, Andrew was unpredictable, so you didn’t know who he had in store. You only knew he was a pretty popular journalist in Europe. Weren’t you supposed to be meeting him before the class? “He said he’s going to be running late.”
Thank god for that. You didn’t need Andrew screaming at you about representing the university under a negative light. Before Andrew could get to scolding you, however, your alarm went off. Swiftly, you jumped up and swiped all your folders. “Class! Got to get to class!” Was all you could muster before leaving the room, and your colleagues, incredibly shocked.
Students filled the lecture hall for the first lesson of the semester, which didn’t surprise you. There were a lot of familiar faces as usual. A couple of new ones but most of the students knew when you were out of it and these were the ones present. Andrew followed you in, watching intently, hoping you wouldn’t screw this up. But everyone knew the rules. The moment your mug was placed against the desk, everyone was silent, eagerly listening to hear from you.
“Morning everyone! Welcome back, I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas break! Just know that for many of you who took my module last year, yes, I am currently in the process of grading your assignments and the results will be distributed next week. However, I am not here to talk about that. Right now, it is time to turn over a new page! So, for those of you that don’t know me, I am Dr. Y/N Y/LN. I am totally cool without the whole formal title and I am a lecturer in Media and Cultural studies and welcome to my module Introduction to Investigative Journalism. This is where we’ll be in touch with some of the world’s most notorious cases from the role investigative journalism played in the portrayal of criminals from the likes of Charles Ponzi, Pablo Escobar, Charles Bronson to female serial killers such as Velma Barfield and Judy Buenoano. We will be looking at cold cases such as the murder of Olof Palme to the story of D.B. Cooper and corruption amongst transnational and multinational companies such as the fall of Wennerstrom. I know this feels like a criminology course and having the stomach would be ideal, however this is incredibly interesting if you want to look into serious crimes and learn about political corruption. I mean I didn’t have the stomach at first but you learn to live with it.” The students laughed. Andrew was in awe of how professional you managed to be but then again that is why the university needed you. They knew you were the young voice they needed to liven things up and get students intrigued, no matter how hungover or ill you were. “ Now, as you know, Dr. Woodbridge has taken a research leave so today, I believe that Andrew has called in a guest lecturer who will be here throughout the second half of the module to provide support and as an industry expert will hopefully be able to answer the questions you all will have.”
Andrew stepped forward, grinning from ear to ear as he headed to the centre. He gave you a wink to praise the way you pulled yourself together and turned to the rest of the class.
“Thank you very much, Y/N. Couldn’t have introduced the module better myself, you have me excited and I’m not even taking it! Anyway, without further ado, I am honoured to introduce to you all your guest lecturer today, he is an investigative journalist and co-owner of Swedish magazine, Millennium, Mikael Blomkvist!” The class gave an applause and so did you as the man walked through the door. Then your applause slowed...hang on a minute. Why did the name Mikael sound familiar? Mikael walked in with a smile, waving at the glass, sporting glasses and a warm cardigan, smiling but then he turned to you and then it hit you. This was YOUR mystery man!
#mikael blomkvist#daniel craig#mikael blomkvist x reader#the girl with the dragon tattoo#crime#fan fiction#romance#daniel craig x reader#james bond#James Bond 007
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Hi! Love your meta ❤️ So in the boar on the floor ep, there’s a moment the morning after where Frank and Gerri are talking while getting breakfast and Gerri asks Frank why he came back. And Frank gives a load of bullshit excuses and then the camera goes straight to Kendall before Frank goes to sit with him. It’s pretty clear that Frank’s deeply buried concern for his godson is why Frank came back. So like, you got any thoughts on Kendall and Frank and their relationship, and more generally thoughts on all the sibs and their weird godparent relationships vs their actual parental shitshow?
Hi! Thank you so much, anon! And yesss, I love that sequence too.
I love your reading of Frank coming back for Kendall – it makes for such a meaningful, albeit tragic moment for him as a character, and really lends further weight to their bond.
Just speaking personally, I don't think I entirely read it the same way? While I think the show does make it clear that Frank has genuine affection for Kendall, I think that shot was more about positioning Kendall and Frank as in the same boat in their individual arcs as opposed to necessarily their joint one.
We saw back in 1.08 how hard it was for Kendall to break through professionally outside of the family, not because of his capability or capacity, but because of his name. Kendall's a Roy, and he always will be, and for better and for worse, that comes with history, power, and meaning. He can never enter a room as himself because he's not just himself. He can't be, not when he's his father's son.
In some ways, I think it would be worse for people like Frank, Gerri and Karl, because while Kendall was born into this, Frank chose it, over and over again, for at least 30 years. He's not even just a colleague to Logan either, he's a friend, the godfather to his son, a confidant. People really are the company they keep, and for Frank, that puts him as someone who chose to affiliate himself with a man like Logan Roy.
In that sense, I think Frank came back because, like Kendall, there’s not really a reality for him outside of Logan’s reach anymore.
In many ways, the boar on the floor episode is about what people are willing to do to get close or stay close to Logan, and they do that for so many different reasons – for power, for security, for love – but I think one of the throughlines of the show is that for whatever reason you might get in, getting out intact is nearly impossible. These people all make compromises every day that sinks them deeper and deeper into Logan’s fist, and for most of them, the grip of that might suffocate, but it’s better than not being held at all.
But yes! Onto your question, haha, sorry, that got a bit long.
I’m just generally fascinated by what life looked like for the kids growing up and how that shaped their relationships with the adults who have been around for a long time. We know Connor and Roman were both in boarding school, but it seems like Kendall and Shiv were kept pretty close to Logan a lot of the time. We know Logan had full custody of the golden trio by the time Shiv was either 10 or 13, depending on whether or not you believe Shiv or Caroline (I tend to think it’s something in between – that Shiv rounded down and Caroline rounded up, so maybe 11 or 12), and so what that means for how he did business is anyone’s speculation, really.
It would make sense to me if Frank and Kendall’s particular closeness was borne out of the fact that they were often spending time together one-on-one. That Connor was away at college and Roman at St. Andrews and Shiv enough-younger to be with nannies still. I tend to think it was likely encouraged by Logan too – I remember reading a post ages ago which I really agree with that Frank was the sort of other parent in a lot of ways with Caroline out of the picture, and that he was enough of a discrete right-hand to Logan that he’d be the sort that when Kendall ran away from home, Frank would be the one to find him, pick him up, talk him through it, but also deliver him straight back to Logan for punishment.
I mean, gosh, we’ve seen Logan weaponise Frank’s closeness to Kendall a few times over now, especially in 3.04 with the trip to Josh’s, and I imagine that was starker when Kendall was a child. I do think there’s real affection there too, and that there’s a part of Frank who thinks of himself as a sort of father-uncle to Kendall, especially as it seems like he doesn’t have children himself.
I wonder too if it’s what contributes to Roman’s loathing of Frank? To be sent away and see your father’s friend instead assimilated into your family and having both influence and a connection to your brother must be something really jarring, and I think for a character like Roman who’s a little possessive of people and fitfully insecure about his relationships, it makes a lot of sense.
As for the other adults, they definitely seem to have been around the kids since they were children (and god, how awkward must that be, haha), and I think that’s bred a weird sort of relationship with all of them. In a lot of ways, Frank’s almost seems like the easiest to explain, because I think he does view Kendall with a certain fatherly attitude, but I don’t think those feelings extend to the rest of the kids. Gerri and Shiv don’t seem to have much of a relationship either, which I think fits with what J Smith Cameron has said in the past that she thinks Baird was actually picked as Shiv’s godfather, and Gerri got asked to be the godmother more because she was married to him than actually being chosen.
It’s hard to tell with Shiv though, because she does seem to identify other women - - mmm, not as threats, but I think because she’s so wanted to be seen like her brothers are for so much of her life, that it impacts the way she relates to other women. She wants to be one of the boys, not one of the girls, and I think that sort of blends with this sense that she finds men easier to control – she puts the puppy dog eyes on for her brothers (or, well, Kendall and Connor, haha), and uses sex with Tom and Nate – whereas the only woman she’s ever really been able to play with on the show so far is Sandi, and that’s because she’s a version of herself.
I think in that sense there’s always been a wall up between Shiv and Gerri, because Shiv’s always defensive about being partnered with women. She sees the way her father’s world treats women and she doesn’t want that for herself. It makes the tragedy of s3 where Shiv and Gerri are effectively used and spat out in the same way all the starker.
The relationship between Gerri and Roman isn’t exactly maternal either, but there’s definitely a heavy dose of mentor-mentee in their dynamic that I think Roman responds to. Shiv obviously thinks it’s mommy-issues from Roman and his own projecting, and while I think that is there to a degree, I think it’s much more about Roman latching onto encouragement and people believing in him – I mean, gosh, he even did that to an extent with Kendall in s1, albeit nowhere near as aggressively or, y’know, sexually, haha.
All of them seek validation in other people, especially people older than them – Frank, Gil, Gerri, Rhea – and it definitely I think speaks to the lack of it from their parents, but also I think this deep underpinning of insecurity at the core of all of them. None of them feel like real people, and they desperately want someone to take them by the shoulders and tell them that they are. That they’re real, that they’re in the right place, right where they’re supposed to be, and that if they don’t ever step out from under the weight of their father, they’ll at least have carried his shadow well.
#sorry this is very rambly haha#i was having too many Thoughts op!#it's such a good question!#frank + kendall#gerri + shiv#frank vernon#kendall roy#succession 2.03#succession 1.08#shiv roy#roman roy#gerri kellman#succession meta#hbo succession#welcome to my ama
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a list of hockey podcasts
i spend... a lot of time reading about, listening to, and learning about hockey and i thought maybe you guys might be interested in the podcasts i follow. i don’t always listen to every episode of every show, but they’re things i have in my subscriptions and listen to frequently.
i’m going to end up having to put this under a cut because it’s getting really long.
general podcasts
the hockey pdocast - without a doubt my favorite general hockey podcast. dimitri filipovic is a stats guy who writes for eprinkside, and his analytic cast definitely shines through in the way he handles the topics. i like the variety of deep dives he does and i always feel like i come away from listening with better understanding of the topic because he doesn’t just talk stats, but gives you context for why those numbers might be the way they are, so if you’re trying to become more familiar with advanced stats this a great one to listen to. also his voice is just so soothing. absolutely my favorite car show.
the athletic hockey show - it’s frequent, long, and informative, but there are different hosts depending on the day and i definitely enjoy listening to some of them more than others (i like ian and hailey a lot, i enjoy the seans, craig and pierre know what they’re talking about but hoo boy i do not enjoy their episodes so much).
staff & graph - they are definitely leafs homers and some of their takes really annoy me especially because they purport to be analysis based and then like... will come out with something that’s not really an analysis so much as it’s, you’re a leafs fan and that’s your opinion, but for the most part i do enjoy it. doerrie is a former front office employee of the devils and she has a lot of very interesting inside knowledge and knowledge based on actually working closely with hockey teams. she still has connections so if you’re interested in ‘sources,’ she usually has good info and stories. again, usually come away feeling like i learned something.
soul on ice - kwame damon mason (film director and hockey fan), akil thomas (kings prospect), elijah roberts (formerly of the niagra ice dogs, currently playing college hockey) hang out and talk hockey and interview guests. they’re all really likeable dudes and have a lot of interviews with players of color and other interesting topics (taya currie!). a solid listen from both a fan and player perspective, for example it was cool to hear akil talking about his experiences during the covid season.
the cross-check nhl show - decent general hockey talk show. andrew berkshire is a habs writer and mary clarke is a general hockey writer but a flyers fan (a show made for me, haha). they’re likeable and have good opinions on social justice related issues within hockey. they cover major stories around the league, discuss their personal teams, and also do a little pop culture segment at the end that i usually skip.
hockey central - unfortunately this is like the epitome of a hockey man podcast (as in, it is literally all hockey men). they come from a variety of backgrounds, including players and coaches, and generally the actual hockey talk is good, even if they get on my nerves sometimes. if you want to know what the average player/former player is thinking this is a pretty good one. and they update a lot.
31 thoughts - jeff marek (also of the hockey central pod) and elliotte friedman talk hockey. if you’re looking for “insider” info this is one of those you’re gonna want to listen to. a bit wishy washy when it comes to stuff like the hawks scandals.
behind the gear - this is an interesting one, because they interview a lot of “lesser known” personalities but it’s always a pretty solid interview. again, i don’t listen to every interview but if there’s a guest that looks interesting, i’ll mark it for later. they have a bunch of interviews with nick and ryan suzuki so that was a personal interest of mine, haha.
puck soup - i almost never listen to this one because it’s too long (like episodes upwards of 100 minutes) and i really don’t like wyshynski as a person. but i do appreciate sean mcindoe. usually only tune in if there’s a topic i’m interested in.
6 degrees with mike mckenna - mike mckenna (former journeyman goalie and flyers goalie of the Eight Goalie Year and former vgk broadcast)’s interview / general hockey show. he’s very personable and a good interviewer.
the press zone - a show mostly focused on prospects, whether that’s in major juniors, the ahl, european leagues, etc. it’s a deeper dive into an area that a lot of the other shows don’t necessarily get to, so i appreciate it.
the hockey think tank - another ‘smaller’ podcast with some interesting and unexpected interviews. again, don’t listen to it all the time but it’s worth a shot if they have a topic you like.
the full 60 - craig custance’s solo show. another “insider.”
missin curfew - i usually only listen to this one if they have a guest i’m interested in because this is also a very bad example of hockey men hanging out and talking and you want to strangle them mostly. it’s two other dudes and kevin hayes’ older brother so you can pretty much expect exactly what you are getting from them.
the broadscast - wish there were more female hockey podcast hosts, but this one is a good one. i like the variety of guests that they have on. i don’t listen to it every episode but will tune in if there’s a topic i like.
flyers-related podcasts
broad street radio - i have such a hate/hate relationship with this one. it’s like the flyers podcast but i hate most of the hosts. i listen mostly for charlie o’connor, who is the only one who can reign in their terrible opinions.
flyers daily - daily news about the flyers, game recaps, and interviews with players. usually short and no-frills episodes, which i appreciate. myrtetus also plays goalie in beer league so he has a player’s perspective, at least, from that level.
flyers talk - nbc’s podcast with jordan hall, taryn hatcher, and joe fordyce. pretty basic talk show from a beat reporter, a former broadcast, and a guy named joe. again fairly no frills, do not always agree with them, but decent enough information.
everything but hockey - andrea helfrich, the most beautiful woman in the world’s, podcast. she does interviews with a lot of people who work with the team in some capacity (for example, nyree, the nutritionist) are associated with the team (she is great with interviewing wives and girlfriends), and the players themselves. she is super charming and good at talking to people so the episodes are usually fun to listen to.
snow the goalie - two flyers beat reporters i dislike but who nevertheless sometimes have The Info.
locked-on flyers - i haven’t actually listened to this much yet but i like locked-on habs a lot and i’m gonna have to give it a chance.
nasty knuckles - this is a podcast i absolutely suffer through. settlemyre is so fucking annoying and maybe the worst interviewer i’ve ever heard. however, if you are interested in the flyers, he has the goods. riley cote is also here. i have to get back to actually transcribing these again because really you don’t want to listen to them.
habs-related podcasts
le support athlétique - arpon and marc antoine from the athletic talk the habs. alternating episodes in french and english, which is frustrating when they are talking in french about something i want to listen to, but i think it’s cool that they provide for the entirety of the fanbase. they are fascinating to listen to, and obviously good friends. i enjoy their insights about the players and coaches.
eyes on the prize - one of my favorites. good hosts, great variety of topics, including interviews with european prospects that you don’t always hear from. it’s also an sbnation podcast but i like it so much better than i like bsh.
habs-statician - statistically-based habs analysis from a fan in toronto. dylan is a really thoughtful podcaster, and i appreciate listening to him very much.
locked-on canadiens - another daily listen. laura and scott continue the theme of the habs podcasts i enjoy which is mostly that they are really reasonable about their view of the team. they criticize when players aren’t doing well, but not in a mean way, and they praise the players who are doing well. i like the daily analysis and breakdown of the news mixed in with sillier segments like who would play the habs in a movie.
habs tonight - former hab and flyer dale weise and a rotating cast of co-hosts discuss habs related topics. i was skeptical at first because i thought it might be gossipy, but it’s actually not that bad. the hockey talk from a former player is all like “wow, that makes so much sense” when you hear it (the episode where weise talks about joël bouchard, in the first negative thing i’d ever heard about him, is one that i am specifically thinking of here). he’s also good at interviewing his former teammates, you can tell they are at ease with him.
history in the making - national treasure marc dumont interviews habs prospects and other people associated with the team. he is so funny and charming and knowledgeable about hockey, it is always worth a listen.
habby hour - i don’t really enjoy these hosts but i will listen if they’re interviewing someone i’m interested in.
other teams-related podcasts that i listen to
steve dangle - i will admit i mostly started listening to this one as schadenfreude, but for the most part i enjoy it. i don’t really like the co-hosts but i do enjoy how absolutely fed up he is with the leafs. :) but on a more serious note, they do some good work, i was very impressed with their recent episode interviewing rick westhead about his work on the chicago coverups.
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breaking up w the idv boys 😳 i’m craving sadness (preferably norton, luca, andrew, antonio and joseph?) (i understand if you can’t do them all! ty either way)
a/n: heya nonnie! you really chose violence this time, huh. unfortunately, i had to cut luca and antonio, but i’m thinking about writing theirs soon! in the meantime, i hope you’re pleased with these.
cw: mentions of violence and a hint at alcoholism under the cut
breaking up with andrew, norton, and joseph (gn s/o)
andrew kreiss
andrew can sense the seemingly microscopic changes in your behavior long before you begin to even notice exhibiting them. by the time you work up the guts to tell him how you feel, he’s already drawn away again. andrew’s side of the bed is often empty at night- well, not any more than it used to be, but these days his absence is… colder. there is no hope for the moment he returns to your loving embrace, the warmth and safety have bled from those heavy covers and soft pillows. now, there is only the heavy puddle of apprehension and guilt that grows deeper with every step in the direction of that room.
he knew it would happen, he really did. you’d learn to see him as a monster, like everyone else. andrew blames himself. for being who he is or for tricking you into loving him, he can’t quite tell. somewhere, there is anger. it bubbles uncomfortably, festering in the silence. it will never boil over in front of you, you’ve lost the privilege to understand, even if you wanted to.
when the tension is too much to bear, you’re the one to let him down, as gently as gentle can be. he tries not to open up in front of you while you explain that things… just aren’t working between the two of you. his fists clench, and his gaze is practically burning holes through his shoes. blood leaks from the place where he’s bitten his bottom lip painfully hard, attempting to lock down all of the horrible, horrible feelings that threaten to erupt out of his control and where everyone can see them.
whatever you do, don’t say that you loved him. the tension- all of those ugly, angry, desperate feelings build in his chest until it feels like he’s going to explode from the pressure. you loved him, but you don’t now? what did he do? how did he ruin it? how did he completely fuck it all up? he knows he did something, he just has to figure out what. maybe then you’ll love him again.
if you ignore the shake in his shoulders and continue to go on, andrew won’t be able to contain his thoughts any longer. he’ll burst into tears or finally snap at you to stop talking, please, please, just stop, i can’t take it any longer, just say you hate me, spit it out, go, go, go, GO!
andrew is on his hands and knees, pale hands tearing at his paler hair. he’s obviously not in a state to talk, so you listen when he tells you to leave amidst unintelligible mumbles.
when he watches you go, he finally understands that he never deserved this love after all.
oh, how quickly paradise sours.
norton campbell
norton notices too. he isn’t stupid. he knows you’re drifting farther and farther away from him. at first he thinks that it’s just his anxiety acting up- you’re not trying to avoid him, right? you’re not spending more time with naib and the other guys to hurt him, you would never do that on purpose. you know how nervous that makes him feel.
but it doesn’t stop. you don’t curl up to norton under soft sheets and gentle moonlight and whisper that you love him. the old reassurances are growing stale in your absence, replaced by a tightness in nortnon’s chest that grows every day.
it doesn’t take long for norton to quit reaching out to you. he’s slipped back into his own depressive state, desperately trying to numb out the ache you leave behind. your relationship has ended long before either of you says anything.
to say that norton’s pissed would be an understatement. he’s mad at himself, mad at you, mad at the world. mainly mad at himself. this wouldn’t be happening if he wasn’t so goddamn complicated. maybe if he wasn’t such a shitty, greedy monster you could still love him. it didn’t matter. there was too much blood on his hands for anyone to love him, let alone consider him deserving of that love.
that rage burns hot in his soul, the same thoughts turning over and over, filling every one of his waking moments. it’s only cold when you face it because you’ve been shut out. he feels betrayed that you don’t trust him enough to take it up with him here and now, he thinks that it’ll hurt less to lose you like that. he’s wrong.
during the final discussion, norton’s barely responsive. reach for his hand and he jerks away as if he’s been burned. don’t touch him.
do your best to understand that you’ve been rejected permanently. you had your chance. now, norton can’t even stand to be in the same room as you, even going as far to have morality points docked for missing matches. his absence is filled with the lingering scent of pine and a whiff of whiskey so strong that it hits like a punch to the gut.
he wishes you’d been straight up with him. maybe if you’d said it right off the bat, things could be different. but then again, it serves him right for being so difficult.
joseph desaulniers
joseph is… difficult. he’s already lost what he considered to be the biggest part of himself, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to let that happen again. he has quite the arrogant streak, so he’s not prone to begging for forgiveness or anything of that sort right off the bat.
what he will do, however, is sit you down for a long chat, like adults. it goes well, as long as the both of you are able to keep your emotions in check. beneath the surface, joseph is in shambles, desperate to keep you by his side. he’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy, and he does his best to convey that.
when you’re still insistent upon leaving, joseph lashes out, interrupting you with a firm “NO!”. the look of fear on your face as you stumble back melts his momentary anger into a waterfall of panicked horror. this is when he begs you not to go- it isn’t fucking pretty, either.
joseph ugly cries. a lot. he shrinks in on himself as he sobs; it’s like watching a train wreck, and you don’t know whether to stay and listen to the choking breaths or leave him to his misery. regardless, the last words joseph desaulniers says to you are incoherent apologies and whimpers for you to stay.
he isn’t the helpless, begging, wreck you saw forever, though. joseph has deemed you unworthy of his affections as a result of this… betrayal. you’re ignored outside of matches and targeted to hell and back within, doing his damndest to leave you to bleed out.
it’s only fair after what you made him suffer through, after all.
#why is everything i write for joseph so short what#nonnie i'm so sorry if this wasn't right HFJDH#joseph x reader#joseph desaulniers x reader headcanons#joseph desaulniers x reader#idv headcanons#identity v x reader headcanons#idv x reader headcanons#identity v x reader#identity v#photographer x reader#idv photographer#andrew kreiss x reader#idv gravekeeper#gravekeeper x reader#andrew kreiss x reader headcanons#idv gravekeeper x reader#norton campbell#norton campbell x reader#norton campbell x reader headcanons#norton campbell headcanons#prospector x reader#prospector x reader headcanons#idv prospector
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The one where Kevin Day falls in love with an ice hockey player.
Part 11
Weight
[TW: Panic Attacks, Nightmares, Alcohol, Mentions of Violence, Riko Moriyama]
Anything included in this head canon takes place the semester after the Foxes won the championship against the Ravens.
Disclaimer: I know next to nothing about varsity teams in the United States so excuse any false information. Head over to the directory to find the previous parts.
The winter holidays were a nightmare.
Maybe Kevin had the tendency to exaggerate things. Though, who could really blame him?
The Foxes – before they all departed for their holiday destinations – were approaching Kevin in extremes. Either as if he was a wild, caged animal ready to snap at everyone, or as if messing with him was the highlight of their day.
“If you miss him so much, call him,” Nicky had said, ever so casually.
The thing was, that Kevin knew he had messed everything up. There was no chance he was going to call or text Eric after what had happened during the winter banquet.
Partially because he thought Eric wanted nothing to do with him.
Another part of him, of course, simply wanted to punish himself. He had something in his grasp, something other than Exy, and he let it go, just like that.
If no one would bat an eyelash at Andrew and Neil, or at Jean and Jeremy, maybe Kevin could for once, do something for himself.
Disgusting.
Even after his death, Riko’s ghost would not let Kevin be happy. It was all so much, that he hardly thought he had the spine to actually call and apologize to Eric on his own volition.
Coward.
Kevin just knew Christmas would not be pleasant. It should be; it was the first Christmas when he was really free.
It didn’t really feel like that.
He’d thought that perhaps going to Columbia with Andrew, Neil and Aaron would help him forget.
Alcohol would help.
Apparently, however, those plans were ruined too, when Wymack told Kevin it would be a good idea for them to spend Christmas together.
“Abby said it- it might be a good idea. We have a lot to talk about,” Wymack had said, the night before they were to leave for Columbia. “The Foxes will be gone. We will have some fucking peace and quiet.”
Kevin knew he couldn’t say no. He’d kept the truth from Wymack for so long.
Selfish.
Kevin had agreed. He didn’t wake up as Andrew and Neil left; Aaron apparently, had arranged to retreat somewhere with Katelyn.
The dorm room was empty. It was unusual. The quiet was unsettling. No matter how much Kevin wouldn’t admit it, the voices, the bodies moving to an everyday routine, helped him focus.
Thankfully, Wymack had arrived early to pick him up from the dorms. They wouldn’t do anything special; just spend the holidays at the Coach’s apartment.
The first days were calm. Due to the awkwardness however, no talking was done. Not the kind of talking Wymack had implied at first, at least. The two men simply coexisted. The quiet became deafening in Kevin’s ears. Nights were the worst.
His fingers itched to be wrapped around the neck of a bottle. He didn’t like the way his thoughts – intrusive, nasty things – would fill in the silence when he was sober.
Relapsing however, would be yet another sign of cowardice. Kevin hadn’t drunk in months. He hadn’t felt like he needed it. The high of their victory, the busy start of the semester, training the new recruits, had all distracted him from the aftermath of everything that had happened in the span of a year.
Facing an identity crisis was not exactly what he needed.
Not when he blinked and saw Riko’s face during the night. Heard Jean’s screaming.
Christmas Eve was when it all reached its peak.
Homosexuality is disgusting, Kevin. Aren’t you happy you have Thea? Oh, don’t think I’ve not seen you sneak out at night to meet her. That’s why you will always be number two. You are so vulnerable.
Riko’s knife felt way too real, even as Kevin’s eyes snapped open and he jolted up from the couch. The lump in his throat and the tightness in his chest were definitely real.
“Kevin?”
Kevin had not realized that he had been screaming until he saw Wymack standing there, until he tried to speak but his voice was too hoarse.
“I- I-,”
Vulnerable.
He hadn’t had a panic attack in months. Almost half a year. He was aware it was happening at that moment, but he was too numb from shock to do any of the exercises Bee had shown him.
From shock or from the shortness of breath.
“Breathe with me, Day.” He felt hands on his shoulders, holding onto him, managing to only keep him grounded. He tried to match the pace of Wymack’s breathing but his own breaths would come out short and sharp.
“He is dead, Kevin. He is fucking dead. He can’t touch you.”
Kevin knew that. Knew he could be whoever he wanted to be now; he’d almost achieved that. He’d gone from Number 2, to Queen of the Exy court. He was no longer in Riko’s shadow.
Then why was it so hard to let the fuck go?
Kevin half expected Wymack to hand him a bottle of alcohol, like he’d done so many times in the past. Kevin wanted it as Wymack stood up, apparently to do just that. He clenched his left hand, waiting to feel the reassuring weight of a bottle as it started going numb.
Of course, that’s when he had to remember about Eric.
Stop clenching your fist like that. It’s better to have something to hold onto.
We all have our own weights. The question is whether you’ll allow someone to help you carry them.
Kevin rushed to the duffel bag he’d brought with him. He searched inside, making a curious Wymack halt when he noticed Kevin’s weird behaviour.
He found the puck and gripped it in his hand, as he sat down on the cold floor and threw his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes and, with something to fiddle, he finally had the chance to do the breathing exercises.
Breathe, one, two.
Hold, one, two.
Release, one, two.
It took Kevin at least ten repetitions to calm his pounding heart and rapid breathing. When he opened his eyes, Wymack was still there, alert and clearly unsure of what to do.
“Kevin?”
You can’t lie and pretend you didn’t feel anything.
It was because Kevin felt too much, that he became numb. But finally, as he sobbed, he let himself lean against his father and let it all out, allowing someone else to help carry the weight.
Wymack gripped his shoulder and held on for as long as Kevin needed it. He wasn’t exactly one to comfort people with soothing words, but he’d faced enough broken kids to know how to hold on.
It took Kevin until morning to finally calm down and fall asleep again. The bottle of vodka was left forgotten on the coffee table and neither of them touched it.
Christmas Day was a bundle of mixed feelings. Kevin felt lighter, having faced something like that and letting everything out. He wasn’t sure though how he felt about having trusted someone with this.
As days went by, he realized that carrying the weight, not only helped preserve that feeling of lightness, but also brought him a bit closer with his father.
It was only after New Year’s, three days prior to the start of the semester, that things had settled enough to help him make a decision.
The Foxes had come back, and Kevin greeted them with:
“Drive me to Atlanta.”
Nicky was ecstatic, though Kevin was mostly irritated by Allison’s smug grin as she turned on her heel and went to find the hockey team and get them to give her Eric’s address.
“Finally came to your senses?” Matt asked with a fond smile.
Kevin said nothing.
Next morning, as Kevin got in the car, he looked at Neil through the rearview mirror. Neil gave him only a nod as Andrew finally started the car.
Kevin was still filled with doubt.
But at the same time, he felt the same sense of certainty as when he had held a racquet on his left hand and strode to face Riko.
#all for the game#aftg#kevin day#the foxhole court#the raven king#the kings men#andrew minyard#neil josten#matt boyd#andreil#OC: Jiang Eric#kevin day x oc#aftg headcanons#aftg oc#allison reynolds#renee walker#nicky hemmick#dan wilds#jeremy knox#jean moreau#jerejean
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