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ofwolvesandbutterflies · 5 years

Text

nothing good is forever

Pairing: NCT’s Taeyong x Reader

Genre: angst

Tags: idol verse!au

Warnings: strong language, mentions of mature themes

A/N: partially based off the song (x). I start crying every. single. freaking. time. so yeah, bringing back my old angsty style of writing.

Happy New Years, my dears! I love you all so much! I hope you all stay warm, eat good foods and spend this season with loved ones.

“Hey, Taeyong.” another brightly smiling face shot the attractive yet permanently scowling male a kind greeting. Sucking in another unnecessary breath, Taeyong bit back a nasty retort before turning and nodding his head in a type of laid back acknowledgement.

“Hansol, how… lovely to see you. I thought you took the week off.”

“Ahh, you heard,” the older male laughed jovially, smile lines creasing happily around his eyes and broad smile. Stepping further into the unusually untidy studio space, Hansol clapped Taeyong on the shoulder. “I am taking the week off, I just thought I’d drop by work to drop off some Christmas gifts from the family.”

“Christmas gifts.” The scowl of Taeyong’s lips tightened as a rush of sour memories began to flood his mind. “...Right.” Shaking off Hansol’s hand, the younger male placed the headphones over his ears once more. With any organic sound immediately replaced with the familiar melody Taeyong had been working on for the past couple weeks, the older male was left with no other choice than to place the tin of home-baked cookies on the couch by the door and leave soundlessly.

Despite his cold front when it came to all things merry and bright, Taeyong didn’t hate Christmas, no. Not at all.

He didn’t hate the lights, the decorations, the smell of peppermint and pine trees everywhere, or the annoying repeats of “Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” that played at least once every hour… He didn’t hate Christmas at all. However, though he didn’t hate it, he didn’t quite like it either.

Why? It was quite simple really. The lights, the decorations, the smell of peppermint and pine trees everywhere and the annoying repeats of “Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” all just reminded him of you.

You were a memory. You were a constant memory. You were a cherished memory. You were a painful memory. And you were a memory he would never be able to love… and that’s what he hated.

Ten years ago, you had been but a mere background dancer for SM. You had starred in many of SM’s performances and a couple of NCT’s stages, as if 18 members wasn’t enough. However, it wasn’t until you had secured a completely different job that you and Taeyong actually met.

“Hello,” you started off cheerfully, wide smile placed across your lips, pen posed millimeters above the fad wad of paper in your hand. “My name is __, I’ll be your waitress this evening.”

The weight of a million eyes landed on you all of a sudden. Glancing up at the table of… many, many young men, an inaudible gasp shot from your lips. Dark, stylish clothing, face masks, piercings, brightly colored hair… These men were… these men were from your other job. And not only were they from your other job, they were idols from your other job. Holy mother of shi-.

You shook the shock from your features. They weren’t here for a show or to be idols, they were most likely here to relax, just be another human and with the reaction you’d just displayed, chances were, they weren’t feeling that relaxed anymore.

“Ahh, sorry,” you rushed to say. A particular pair of dark eyes narrowed at you cautiously, gaze weighing your’s down heavily and it took all of you not to look up to see who it was. Doing your best to ignore it, you continued on. “My mind just slipped. Can I get you started with any drinks?”

A collective murmuring of ‘water’ and ‘apple juice’ sprung up and your eyes widened. Out of nowhere, someone mumbled ‘actually, can I have a milk’. And you sighed.

Damn.. There were ten of the eighteen members of NCT sitting right in front of you and they were all hungry. Throwing a hand over your hip, you tossed them all a weighted smille. This would be a long night.

As you collected orders, waited and cleared tables, offered smile after smile after smile, seconds quickly turned into hours gone by. Soon enough, the only full table left in your section was the one NCT occupied. Leaning against the bar, you smiled, slowly counting off the heads of the remaining customers at the table.

One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six… Seven… Eight… And nine. Wait. Shaking your head, you recounted again. Nine. You hadn’t notice one leave. No. You had gotten ten orders of food from then… All ten of those chairs had been filled. Utterly flabbergasted, you began to name off the names of the members from the subgroup of NCT 127. There was Johnny, Doyoung, Haechan, Jungwoo, and Taeil sitting over of the side facing you. The one who just scooted away Yuta must have been Win Win, and that was Mark sitting next to him. Squinting your eyes a little bit more at the hooded figure sitting near Mark, a clear laugh rang out, and a tinge of pink colored your cheeks. Jung Jaehyun.

Though you admired all eighteen of the members of NCT, Jung Jaehyun was your unspoken bias. With that deep, honey-smooth voice, a trim body and the breathtakingly good looks to knock anyone out, there was just something about him that dragged an unwarranted sense of awe over you every time you saw him.

So then… who was missing? You narrowed your eyes, re-listing the names in your head. Johnny… Jungwoo… Win Win… Snapping suddenly, the missing member’s name cleared in your mind.

Lee Taey-

“Excuse me, Miss __.”

Barely able to stifle the shriek from spilling out of your mouth, you spun on your heel to find yourself face to face with the missing member from NCT 127.

In all of your life, you had never visualized yourself ever being this close to the man you found to be as close to perfect as the human population could ever get. Even in a pair of worn out sweats, he was just as attractive, if not more so, than you had seen in photos and in music videos. Realizing you had yet to respond to him, you blinked yourself out of your stupor. Taeyong’s dangerously deep eyes swam recognition when you stuttered out a weak, “yes?”

“I recognized you from the company,” he began to say, soft voice somehow blocking out the pumping of the music throughout the room. “- and I just wanted to thank you for not making a big scene out of us being here. It means a lot.”

“Oh. Uh…” You stuttered, mind suddenly devoid of any intelligent phrases. “I mean, of course. You’re welcome. It’s my responsibility as a civil individual to mind my own business and not make anyone’s life harder than it already might be.” The uneasy, nervous smile sitting on his lips made you double take. Was this the same man who onstage rapped fiercely about suggestive things?

“Still though,” Taeyong protested, gaze not meeting your eyes, an elegant hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I know we can be a handful and I also wanted to thank you and simultaneously apologize for how loud we might have been.”

A warm feeling bloomed in your chest at his heartfelt words.

“Oh-okay.. You’re welcome and it’s fine. It was nice seeing you guys be able to enjoy yourselves outside of idol work.”

He shot you one last, beautiful, genuine smile and went to sit down with the rest of his members, his laugh and clear voice standing out far above the rest. Jung Jaehyun might have been your unspoken bias, but Lee Taeyong… That talented man would always stand far out against the rest of them.

Taeyong was a romantic, but falling in love at first sight was something he had trouble finding credibility in. Love took time. Love was not something one should rush into. He was almost certain that those who claimed that they had fallen in love at first sight were exaggerating. After all, admiration would turn into affectionate feelings and affectionate feelings would turn into love gradually.

At least… that was what he continued to tell himself every time he found heartbeat quickening when his mind wandered to your honest words and your clear smile that first night. Soon enough, the thoughts of you began to appear more consistently and Taeyong began to fantasize about the somewhat slim possibility of seeing you again.

The second time he saw you was just as unexpected as the first. He had been out on a late night jog back to the company to grab a practice bag containing an important flash drive then to the nearest convenience store to pick up some noodles when he encountered you in all of your dancing beauty.

As soon as the lights went out, Taeyong strolled out of the room, just about to pull out his phone to let Doyoung know he was on his way home when the distinct sound of music wafted through the air. Thoroughly intrigued, he slipped the phone back into his pocket and followed the tune of what sounded like “Black on Black”. He snickered to himself, a smirk quirking his lips up, expecting to open the other practice room and find another one of his members.

However, a soon as he neared the windowed door of the other room, Taeyong stopped in his tracks, lips parted in shock, smirk long forgotten.

The last thirty seconds to “Black on Black” reached his ears just as his eyes took in the familiar, lithe figure of the person who had been the cause of his less than focused thoughts. With your hair hidden beneath the beanie and legs wrapped elegantly in a pair of tights, you looked absolutely gorgeous. Taeyong couldn’t help the protective surge that rushed through him when you tripped. But, before he could do anything, you picked yourself back up, wiping the sweat from your brow before rewinding the music and running back through it again.

And he stood there, awestruck, for the remainder of the song.

All concept of time left him as Taeyong stood there, jaw hanging agape as you flowed through the dance moves like they were imprinted in your DNA. The look of concentration in your intense eyes glowed with a renewed passion and rivaled even the glittering city skyline. Never had he been so spellbound.

Finally, the song began to come to a close as the telltale notes rang out through the room. Then and only then was Taeyong able to sober up enough to realize that the reason the quick pace at which his heart was beating… was from you.

Now ten years later, Taeyong was still single. The possibility of him hearing from you had ended years ago, ten years to be exact.

With his eyes bouncing from thing to thing in the quiet of the brightly lit store, Taeyong’s lips remained in the same tight line. Once again, Christmas had rounded the corner without his knowledge and once again his mind found itself wandering to you. A subconscious sigh passed his lips.

He wondered what you were doing now… if you had gotten married, if you had any children.

On the topic of children, Taeyong’s attention was suddenly torn violently out of his thoughts by the sound of small feet shuffling feet against the floor. Looking up, he spotted the smaller kid in line before him, pacing back and forth, clothes thrown in in a disarray, a pair of pretty heeled shoes clutched desperately in his grubby hands.

As always, the appearance of the most random of things ricocheted him back into the deepest parts of his mind. The shoes… you… you loved to dance.

Even with baggy sweats, messy hair and tired eyes, when the music was on your body moved smoothly to the music like it was nothing.

The third time he saw you was at a rehearsal.

As an idol, Taeyong’s life was full of comebacks, stages, performances and this small-scale performance shouldn’t have been any different. Except… it was.

One second, he was rapping the bridge from ‘Boss’. The next, you were there, nearly hidden within the mass amount of other dancers. Although you were dressed in the same ripped jeans and light shirt as everyone else, it seemed different, more attractive, better looking on you. The flip of your hair, the twist of your body… everything seemed to be accentuated and elegant when you did it. And after seeing you dance that time before, Taeyong was sure he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything but.

By some stroke of unbelievable luck, he was able to finish the rehearsal without any major slip-ups and almost immediately, he turned to look for you in the crowd of dancers. Black pants, light shirt… Hair pulled back… eyes glittering more brilliantly than any VVS diamond…

It didn’t take him long to find you, smiling, laughing among your fellow dancers. Glancing down at the watch on his wrist, he started off in your direction, only to be stopped by the sudden paranoia of someone watching. However, this time, the paranoia wasn’t of someone watching him. Rather, it was of someone watching you.

You were truly ravishing, easy on the eyes in every scenario. It would have been hard for anyone to keep from looking at you, Taeyong knew that was a given… But this time didn’t feel quite right. Turning again to examine the rest of the stage inhabitants, his lips hardened into a frown when he found the culprit.

Every couple seconds, Jung Jaehyun would casually cast a glance in your direction, eyes hungrily devouring your every move.

The fourth time… you were swaying dangerously in the darkened space of the club after having finished the last tour of the season, hair falling down your back in wondrous tresses, eyes hooded as you signaled for Taeyong to join you.

Sweaty bodies, the strange, mixed aroma of perfume and cologne, the sensation of alcohol hanging heavily in the air… The darkened environment of the crowded room made the bass boosted music seem infinitely louder than it actually was. Another club.

But what could you do, mused Taeyong while twirling a glass he suspected was not actually his. He really had no other choice when it came to what the rest of his legal members wanted to do. They wanted to go clubbing. His eyes swung lazily over the room, doing a headcount for the fifth time that hour.

Johnny… Yuta… Taeil… Doyoung… __… Wait. __?

Straightening in his seat immediately, Taeyong traced every corner of the room in an attempt to find you. He had seen you. That was for sure. He scoured the crowd at least three times before his darkening eye fell over you once again. Immediately, the foreign feeling of butterflies in his stomach picked up again. A blush began to dust itself over his otherwise pale cheeks.

At once, all the oxygen escaped his lungs. He had seen you dance before, but seeing you in at atmosphere like this had all coherent thoughts and phrases dissipating from Taeyong’s brain like lifting mist until the only thing on his mind was how alluring you looked.

Suddenly, as if you had felt the weight of his gaze splaying across your scantily covered body from across the room, you turned. Whether it was your dancing or your bold wink, Taeyong found himself drunk on something other than alcohol… You.

A smirk wound its way onto your lips while you ran a hand suggestively through your hair, eyes still on his. He closed his lips, moistening them nervously with the tip of his tongue. What were you doing to him? As if all that you had done already wasn’t torture enough, you lifted your hand, signaling for him to join you on the dance floor.

Swallowing nervously, trying in vain to calm the excessive beating of his heart, Taeyong found himself traveling across the floor towards you as if in a trance. And as the two of you danced, with you pressed up against him, he also found that he, in fact, had fallen for you long before this and that love at first sight might just be possible.

“Listen kid,” the cashier’s gruff voice split through Taeyong’s unpleasant reverie and said male’s attention was brought back down to the younger kid standing in front of him. “I’m really sorry. I know you wanna buy these nice dance shoes for your mum, but… the price tag is asking for thirty at the very least. Twelve dollars and thirty-nine cents ain’t gonna work.”

Taeyong’s curiosity piqued and he craned his neck to take a good look at the boy. He couldn’t have been more than nine years old, seven at the least, but Taeyong’s dark eyes widened as he took in the strangely familiar features. The younger kid’s eyes were intense and doe shaped, just like Taeyong’s. His eyebrows were dense and bold, drawn upward in desperation just like Taeyong’s. His lips were pulled into a pout that triggered a memory of your pouting lips.

“But sir!” the boy’s high voice begged. “You don’t understand, I need these shoes.”

The cashier’s mouth parted to refute his request, but the boy continued.

“Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my mom! Please!” His voice cracked, damn near the verge of tears. “It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes… They’re just her size.”

The fifth time he saw you, you were blinking blearily up at him from underneath the thin duvet on his bed, hair mussed from the night before, smile tossed crazily in his direction… until you realized you weren't in your home and that you didn't have a hot boyfriend named Lee Taeyong. Taeyong could still recall the knotted string of apologies falling from your lips in the early morning when you jumped from the bed - still in his shirt - grabbed your underwear, and bolted out of the room.

The sixth time he saw you was when you were dancing late in the same practice room you could always be found in late at night. Sweat was dripping from your face and your breathing was ragged from the long period you had been dancing…

Dancing was your punching bag, your stress reliever. Everything about it helped keep your mind off small mistakes you had made in your everyday life… Like the fact you had just slept with an idol you had admired for a long time and had probably just ruined every chance of having a professional work relationship with him.

Lee Taeyong was handsome, skilled, well rounded and polite… however every time you saw him now, after that night, you were needlessly reminded of how badly you had messed up. What had you been thinking that night? You hadn’t even had that much to drink that night and yet you found your head spinning pleasantly upon meeting his hungry gaze.

The feeling of his up against you, his deft fingers creeping down to rest around your waist, the fleeting caress of his lips against your heated skin, the dark heat that had pooled in your stomach when he growled against your lips… You shook your head vigorously to rid your mind of his low groans. Jaehyun had been your bias all this time and you were convinced he still was... Yet with all of your encounters with Taeyong and the way you found your heart racing every time your thoughts found their way to him, you weren’t a hundred percent sure of anything anymore.

And that was the reason you were now avoiding him at all costs…

And also the reason you choked on your air and fell upon seeing him leaned so casually against the entrance of the practice room. Within seconds of you landing on the floor, he was right there, worry furrowing his brows.

“__, are you okay?”

Up at this close of a proximity, you could see every detail of his attractive features in high definition. The curve of his lips, the concern in his eyes, the faint flush on his cheeks… without fail, your heart pounded loudly in your chest and you were unnecessarily reminded vividly of how soft his lips had felt against yours.

“Y-yeah. I'm fine.” The words came out of your lips unsteadily, immediately alerting him to your uneasiness. “T-thanks. I’ll just- I...I’ll just go now-”

Pushing yourself up and away from him, you made as if to rush out of the room, cheeks flushed an angry red.

“No.” Taeyong’s voice sounded, loud and demanding, contrary to the gentle, soft approach he used more often. A firm hand wrapped itself around your wrist and you looked up in surprise.

“... No?”

“I mean,” he looked away bashfully, voice softening. All at once, the butterflies in your stomach started up again. If Jaehyun was your ‘bias’, why were you even feeling this way around Taeyong?

“Please stay,” Taeyong continued. “I know I fucked up. I didn’t even get to take you on a date before all that happened and I’m so sorry about that, but I…” He paused to cough nervously into his hand. “Um.. Well, I'm not good with expressing myself but I really.. I really like you and I understand if you don't feel the same way, but I thought you should know.”

The seventh time he saw you was similar to the fifth, only it was early evening, the moon glanced off your skin in the most captivating of ways, and this time.. You weren't running away.

“I dunno kid��” Letting out a deep sigh, the cashier rubbed his temples wearily. “You’re still fifteen dollars short. Why do you need them this badly anyways?”

Without a hint of hesitance, the little boy blurted out the most honest thing Taeyong had heard in awhile.

“Look, I know I’m dirty, I know I don’t have the exact amount, I know you probably don’t want to put up with this right now… but please… my mom.” A sniffle sounded loudly in the silent store and he shook the tears from his eyes. “She’s been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes will make her smile… I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.”

Taeyong’s mouth dropped open. This boy was putting his dignity and wealth on the line for his mother. Finally, out of his pocket, the kid fished out a couple more bills.

“Is this… Is this enough?”

Helplessly, the cashier shot Taeyong a look and the little boy turned to look directly at him. All at once, Taeyong’s heart broke all over again. The kid’s eyes were swollen and red from crying and dried and fresh tears streamed down his cheeks.

“Mama… she made Christmas special at our house even though most of the time, she just went without.”

It was like looking at you all over again. It reminded Taeyong of that last night with you, staring at you at your worst… broken, hurt, angry, confused with tears pouring down your cheeks are he gazed at you through his. Sniffling, the little boy continued.

“Tell me sir, what am I going to do?! My mom… she’s so sick and my dad. He’s given up, he told me she’s not going to live through the night and-and I’ve seen her look at these shoes every time we come to this store, I wanna.. She-” at that, his fragile voice cracked with emotion. His shoulders hunched over as he fought back the sobs, desperate to stay strong.

Taeyong gazed on at the younger boy, the one that hopelessly reminded him of you. He was torn. That little boy… he wasn’t you. You were probably off somewhere else, enjoying a dinner with Jaehyun and your kids. However, the shaken words that fell from the boy’s lips found a way directly to Taeyong’s broken heart.

“Please sir…” The boy’s voice sounded infinitely smaller than it had before. “Somehow, I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes..”

The eighth time however, was not as happy.

It should have been though.

It was the annual SM Christmas Party and Taeyong moved easily through the crowds, blessing everyone with a perfectly content smile. That was until Taeyong saw you and Jaehyun, laughing… smiling… which, in any other case would be fine. But in this one, with the way Jung Jaehyun was looking at you, undressing you with his eyes, with the way his fingers brushed against your arm ever so slightly...

Bracing himself against a nearby wall, Taeyong took a deep breath. He was just… overthinking. Inclining his head towards the ceiling, he took a deep breath and tried in vain to focus on something other than the fact you were with Jaehyun, grinning cheesily at every little thing he said while standing under the mistletoe-

Wait. Fuck. Mistletoe?

“What the fuck, Taeyong?” You spoke, struggling against the vise-like grip said male had around your wrist. “What crawled up your ass and died?”

“Nothing.” He bit out, venom dripping from each syllable as the two of you wove in and out of the crowd. Though you hadn’t known him for that long, you didn’t think you had ever seen someone so mad. Flames burned behind Taeyong’s usually calm, clear eyes and you recalled the dumbfounded look on Jaehyun’s face a couple seconds prior.

“For some reason, I don’t believe you, Lee Taeyong,” you tsk-ed, letting him guide you to a less active area. “And part of me thinks it has to do with you being jealous.”

All of a sudden, the tense male in front of you froze. He had seen that subtle hand on your arm, the way Jaehyun was looking at you… You snickered to yourself over the fact this grown man was jealous over you and you watched, curious, as he turned around… only to push you up against the wall behind you. Eyes wide, you shivered as he traced a light finger down your jaw.

“Jealous? Jealous? Of fucking course I’m jealous.” The growl in his low voice made it only the more sexier. “Jung Jaehyun, one of the most attractive male idols at this company holiday party was flirting with you under the mistletoe. Of course I’d get jealous.”

“Okay, you big baby,” you snorted, rolling your eyes at his unreasonable childish behavior. “I get it, someone’s needy and wants my attention, but like we should really establish some norms. Like just because I’m talking -talking, mind you- to another guy, does not mean I’m interested in them-”

“It’s not that, __,” Taeyong interrupted you, grabbing your chin roughly and directing your attention right at him. “You’re mine. And no other guy is allowed to look at you lik-”

“Hold on just a fucking second, Lee Taeyong,” you hissed, surprised by his exclamation and fed up with his unnecessary possessiveness. His eyes widened at your outburst, obviously taken aback. “Who do you think you are? Manhandling me, ordering me around and threatening to fuck up every single guy that does something as simple as look at me. Hell, Jaehyun and I were just talking and now you’re going around, acting like you own me. We were just. Talking.

“As far as I was know, even if we were a thing, you are not going to treat me like a belonging or act all possessive like a dumb kindergartner would be over a stupid toy. I am not a thing of yours that you can claim as your own. Good night.”

Throwing off his hand, you pushed past him, ignoring the hurt look of complete shock written all over his face.

“__, wait-” Taeyong started reaching out to grab your wrist for the second time that night.

“No, Taeyong. Don’t talk to me,” you mumbled underneath your voice, disappointment laced in every word. “I refuse to be in a relationship with a man that won’t trust me.”

And with that, you stalked away, dismayed at how much your heart hurt.

The ninth time he saw you, you weren’t alone like he was hoping.

As a romantic, Taeyong realized what he had done wrong. You weren’t his. You were merely someone he loved enough to be afraid to lose. And as someone he cared that deeply about, he had the whole night planned out. That was, of course, if you accepted his apology.

Smiling giddily to himself, he fiddled with the bouquet and handwritten apology for a second longer before taking a deep breath in. Opening, the door, he began to walk towards the practice room he knew you would be in. He had just finished up in his studio, brain filled to the brim with lyrics and the rhythm of a heartfelt song yet to be released.

But when he turned down the familiar hall to the practice room he was certain you’d be in, an unexpected sound reached his ears. A deep voice that sounded an awful lot like… Jaehyun’s rang out in a deep baritone laugh in response to your clear, breathy one.

“Shh… Oh my gawd, Jaehyun you idiot! You’re so loud.”

“Look who’s talkin’, __. You’re the one yelling at me.”

All at once, Taeyong froze. No… Not now. Not on Christmas. As if his body had a mind of its own, he subconsciously crept closer to the door, deathly afraid of what he would see. Your breathy giggle sounded again.

Blinking back tears, he peered through the crack in the door.

Fuck. There you were, beautiful as ever, smiling that same radiant smile… pressed up against Jaehyun’s firm body as his arms lay loose around your waist. A pathetic sob built in the back of Taeyong’s throat when you reached up to press a gentle kiss to Jaehyun’s love drunk smile.

Crushed, Taeyong stumbled back soundlessly until his back smacked against a wall. Then, the tears began to fall, blinding him.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

A broken Taeyong left the building in a daze that night. In his hands were a bouquet of torn flowers, a shredded apology and a crushed heart.

No longer could he be around Jaehyun without thinking of the two of you. It was ridiculous, and he knew it… He had trained with this dude for years. But soon enough, Taeyong found himself signing a contract with a different agency in an effort to get awake from the inevitable heartbreak he had been through.

And at once, gone were the physical apparitions of you and Jaehyun, loving, smiling, laughing. Only then entered the haunting of his dreams by you and you only.

“Please sir…” The boy’s voice sounded infinitely smaller than it had before. “Somehow, I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes..”

All at once, an exhausted exhale fell from Taeyong’s mouth. What would you have done in this situation? Grabbing a twenty from his wallet, Taeyong pressed it down onto the pile of scattered coins and crumpled bills.

The kid’s teary eyes widened as the cashier rang the shoes up. A smile grew on Taeyong’s lips when a thankful smile traced itself onto the boy’s face.

“T-thank you so much, sir!” Grabbing the shoes, the younger male wrapped his lanky arms around Taeyong’s waist. Then, as an afterthought, the boy added, “Momma’s going to look so great.”

Just like that, the kid was gone. All that was left was the ghostly feeling of his thin arms around Taeyong’s waist and the mental image etched into his brain of how much he looked like you.

“Hey man,” once again, the cashier’s gruff voice blew away any thought of you. Shaking the fog from his brain, Taeyong redirected his attention to the man in front of him.

“You gonna buy anything else?”

The tenth and last time he saw you, Taeyong thought, was the most painful. It had been eleven years since he had last seen any trace of you or anything somehow related to you.

Or.. so he thought.

Taeyong felt his shattered heart fly out the window. Suddenly, he understood what had pulled him into that graveyard. Memories of you, you laughing, you dancing, you beneath him, you smiling, you crying… All of them shot back at him, hitting him in the dead center of his heart. The weathered gravestone in front of him was an elegant marble and did not fail to remind Taeyong of every single thing about you, but that wasn’t the object that tore the previously unshed tears from his eyes.

He crumpled to his knees, sobbing.

Beneath your name and birth and passing date lay a pair of shoes. A familiar pair of shoes. The same brilliantly simple shoes the boy in the store had bought - with Taeyong’s help - for his terminally ill mother.

84 notes · View notes

bigskydreaming · 5 years

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Tbh, another part of why I’m so vehemently anti-RPF is like.....one of the first things any legit agent or manager asks an actor when they sign them is if they’re willing to do nude scenes and/or sex scenes. And when there’s an actor whose work you follow cuz you think they’re hot and you notice they’ve never been in any kind of sex scene or even a shirtless scene, that’s not like...by accident, most of the time.

Because a lot of actors aren’t comfortable with nude scenes. And it doesn’t have nearly as much to do with prudishness or religious reasons or any of that stuff as you might assume. I mean, I have done nude scenes. In some pretty big size productions as in with a full crew. And lemme tell you....they are NOT fun. Or sexy. Or hot. Like, even a little bit, lol.

Cuz like, its never just you and another actor in a bedroom. It’s you and another actor naked or close to naked.....in the middle of like.....forty fully dressed crewmen holding cameras and lighting and sound equipment and acting like you’re not just...naked in front of them, even though you and everyone else are actually super aware that yup, you definitely are.

And there’s a million lights on you and set lights are HOT, they make you sweat like crazy, and so when you’re doing a lot of takes and getting sweaty from the lights you constantly have people running up to you between takes and like....toweling you off in a completely unsexy way, lol, and reapplying makeup and the whole time they’re not even talking to you but to each other, like you’re not even there, b/c they’re not trying to be rude but they’re in a hurry, they have to do this fast so there’s not really time to strike up a conversation with you while they do it. But its TOO weird to just be doing it in silence so they usually solve that awkwardness by being in the middle of a convo as they run up to you and your scene partner and just keep continuing it before running back.

And the whole time you’ve got a cranky, stressed and taking it out on everyone director yelling at you to basically...be more sexy, lol, with you having to do take after take after take and not even look just as into it as you did the take before, but dig deep and look even MORE into it. Because you wouldn’t still be shooting if you’d already done it right, you’re obvsly ‘not being sexy right’. And gotta say, lol, nothing makes it easier to feel and thus act sexy than an asshole you’d never sleep with in a million years yelling about how he’s not feeling like he wants to fuck you yet or like you want to fuck him yet. And he’s the audience, he says, he’s the people in the seats of the movie theater watching you pretend-fuck on screen, and so if he doesn’t feel like you wanna fuck him, then how do you expect they’re gonna be able to put themselves in the fantasy and feel like you’re talking to them, like you wanna fuck them? Ick.

So I mean....there’s actually a lot of reasons for actors to not want to do nude scenes, both men and women. Or for them to do one and then never do one again. And that’s not even getting into the after part of things, like....the weirdness of spending several more weeks working closely with several dozen people who have all seen you naked, up close and personal. Or the weirdness of knowing who-knows-how-many ppl out in the general public then have seen it too, fantasized about you, with you having no idea who any of them are, if you’d be like...comfortable with them having that level of intimacy with you if you did know who they are...*shrugs* Because there’s not really an easy way around the fact that someone seeing you naked IS a form of intimacy in our society. You’re exposed. You’re....all out there for them to critique or have opinions on or form fantasies about, with no way to reciprocate. And that’s a very weird feeling. That crosses well over into uncomfortable when you factor in that there’s no way to opt out of being seen like that by people you KNOW you wouldn’t want to share that level of intimacy with if it was just you and them.

Like, there’s one closeted actor I knew years ago who grew up in a small conservative town, and early on in his career he did a lot of sex-type scenes, like he was one of those actors who is pretty much always in a state of undress on every show he’s on, early on in their career. And he used to say how he never thought twice about it, thought he was totally fine with it....until he went back to his hometown for the holidays for the first time in years, and had all these old classmates and neighbors both his age and older women too, like actual friends of his parents or people who’d known him since he was a kid....and they were fawning over him while he was there and giggling about those scenes and how racy they were and blah blah...but the point was, when he came back to LA after the holidays, he just couldn’t do scenes like that anymore.

Because, like he said, he’d never really thought of himself as someone who made the fact that he was gay a big part of his identity, but it was just too unsettling for him after that. Being aware that the very same people who were a huge part of why he was in the closet, because of all the shit they’d said when he was growing up about how gross and disgusting gay people and gay sex are...here they were, totally okay with and INTO simulated sex scenes that didn’t have an ounce of the intimacy he had in his actual sexual encounters with other guys.

He was like “they’d all call me disgusting and tell me I was going to Hell if they found out what I do with boyfriends in my own home, but what I do on camera, surrounded by dozens of total strangers with a woman I only just met at our audition a week ago and have seen maybe twice since, like....that works for them?” And it just skeeved him out too much. He stopped auditioning for roles like that cold turkey, and I don’t think he’s actually ever done a nude scene since. He couldn’t get over knowing that the older women from his church who’d be the first to gossip about how sinful he was for having a boyfriend were instead gossiping on facebook about how hot he looked in this bedroom scene or whatever.

Anyway. Didn’t mean to go off on this tangent and didn’t realize that last post would bring this up, lmao. And tbh, like, I don’t ENJOY doing nude scenes, but I’ve never been bothered to the point of turning down a paying job. Like, it skeeves me out sometimes, stuff like I mentioned in that last post, coming face to face (so to speak) with the knowledge that someone I deeply dislike on a personal level has seen me that way and enjoyed it, but for me its a level of discomfort where I’m like, yeah, not ideal, but I can live with it. But for a lot of actors, it is a dealbreaker.

And I feel this is something a lot of RPF-er’s don’t consider....like, with a lot of these celebrities, the way you’re talking about them, fantasizing about them, writing stories or sharing pictures about them, especially ones where there aren’t a lot of actual sexualized content available already for you to springboard off of, where you have to like...photoshop heads onto other bodies or make fanart from scratch.....they didn’t say they were cool with it. They didn’t give even the kinda tacit permission that comes from accepting a role where they willingly expose their entire body and self for anyone and everyone to see and to say or think whatever they want as a result. Like, someone accepting a job that casts them as the fantasy hero in a romance where they sweep their lover off their feet and gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and all that stuff....but with their clothes on....Its not exactly the same thing as voluntarily sexualizing themselves top to bottom, playing the part of an actively sexual being onscreen for you to then take in and absorb and do whatever you want with what they chose to put out there.

And thing is....this is still a form of consent, we’re talking about here. No, I’m not saying its the same kind as in a single person-to-person physical interaction. Violating someone’s consent so to speak, in this particular context, I’m not saying its interchangeable with someone being told no by a person and not stopping. I’m just saying....its not nothing either. You’re still taking away another human being’s right to decide whether or not they want you to have the level of intimacy that’s innately tied up in the viewing of a person in their most vulnerable state. Their right to decide whether they want you not just picturing them as a sexual fantasy, and in what ways.

Because like....that’s the other thing about consent. It needs to be given for each individual interaction. It’s not a one-time issued all access pass. An actor consenting to be a part of your sexual fantasies in the role and form of a character from a movie where they have sex with another consenting adult.....is not a blank check saying hey, I’m also totally fine with you using my face and likeness and even name in your fantasies where you put me opposite a minor, or a homophobe, or an abuser.

Like, just speaking for myself, I may be okay with however anyone chooses to view or think or talk about me based on the nude roles I’ve taken or in the context of them, even if it does make me kinda uncomfortable. But I very much would not the fuck be okay with someone sexualizing me opposite someone like, idk, Jared Leto, let’s say, someone that I fucking hate and would never in a million YEARS consent to being vulnerable, let alone intimate with, in any way, shape or form.

I mean, lol, if you’ve been following me for long at all, think about what you know about me as a person, just in terms of like things I’m obviously passionate about, things I talk a lot about etc. Now keeping in mind what you know of me and my personality just as a person who exists beyond any particular fantasy someone might have after seeing me in a role, picture me as an actor. Say I someday ended up in a role in a shared universe franchise like Marvel or DC, where Jared Leto also played a role in that franchise, even if it wasn’t in the same movie, if I never actually consented to be in a movie starring alongside Jared Leto. But by virtue of the big sprawling franchise we’re both in and thus tangentially linked, there’s enough basis for someone who finds him hot and who also finds me hot to go, okay, I wanna ship them together, I want to craft my own sexual fantasy starring them both together, and maybe even write it out, share it online.

Now....knowing me even just on a ‘i follow this person on a social media platform’ level....do you think I’d be remotely comfortable with that? Sure, I’ll probably never find out, you could say, assuming you convince yourself I don’t know how to use google or never google myself or SHOULD never google myself, because....idg that logic tbh but whatever. But you still know. Isn’t it even just a little bit skeevy, building a sexy fantasy around two people when you know or are even just a little sure one of them would not the fuck consent to that?

Like, there’s no law against that, obviously. No one’s gonna come banging on your door and say you can’t do that, that you have Harmed Me in some material way and I’m gonna sue or press charges. But just purely from the standpoint of acknowledging that you may not know me at all, but you know that I exist somewhere on this planet as a living, breathing, thinking entity with my own agency and likes and dislikes....shouldn’t what I want or feel matter? Especially if I do happen to feel very strongly about this, to the point where I’ve taken actionable steps to NOT consent to be in any situation with someone like that where it could remotely be construed as sexual, or even like he’s someone who I could tolerate being around, like his very existence doesn’t gross me out given some of the stuff he’s done. Making deliberate, conscious choices to not take roles opposite him, stuff like that.

Now sure, you don’t know if this is the case, have no way of knowing this about any random actor, that they feel this way or would or would not have this or that opinion about the scenario you’re placing them in, if it were brought to their attention, if you had the opportunity to ask them face to face ‘hey would you be okay with this?’

But that’s the point. You don’t know. But at least maybe focus on actors in their ROLES that they chose to play, where they showed up to work and said okay, here I am to my job pretending to be this character who isn’t me, to bring them to life and make them real for audiences, make them someone they can imagine, or yes, fantasize about. Instead of just assuming for yourself that hey anything and everything is fair game because they took their shirt off in a show once and they’re an actor anyway so what does it matter, this is what they get paid for....

Well. No. Its not what we get paid for. We get paid for the job we sign up to do. That we CHOOSE to do. An actor gets paid to be fodder for sexual fantasies based around their role as a sexy spy in a thriller, maybe, but that’s not and really shouldn’t be treated as interchangeable with acting like they’re getting paid to be fodder for sexual fantasies with anyone and everything in every possible kinky scenario, consent not required, no age limit, anything goes.

I’m not saying its wrong to have sexual fantasies about an actor who’s lodged in your brain in a sexual context because yeah, they’ve done sex scenes before. I’m just saying....there’s a lot of angles that a lot of people don’t put any thought into at all before just doing whatever they want, and all these very important conversations about consent and sexual agency and all that.....they don’t stop being necessary just because they’ve crossed into territory where you don’t want to have these particular conversations, where there’s a status quo you’re comfortable with even if you think a status quo in another area of society needs to be challenged.

Anyway.

Oops, I thought I was done but I kept going. Why am I like this. Okay, now I’m done. Anyway. Just thoughts I have and thus shared, do with them as you will.

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jaytury-blog · 6 years

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10 Signs You Were An Emo Kid

So one thing we’re all guilty of is going through childhood phases that we’re pretty embarrassed to talk about. Whether that being the geeky kid that essentially fantasized over Warhammer figurines to the kid that liked to eat the whiteboard pen in class. We’ve all been there guaranteed, and along the way we’ve picked up and dropped some pretty weird habits and traits. But I’m not here to reminisce about the stickmen animations I used to create on PowerPoint, that’s for another time. This article is aimed more towards those little cliques we found ourselves in during our early school years; cliques which pretty much evolved and shaped our tiny little fragile minds. Our worlds soon opened up and offered things we never even knew existed, whether that being a new weird friend or a music genre that sent shivers down our spines for the first time. It’s true, at some point during our tween years most of us ventured into certain factions, sometimes not by choice, but by fate. Cliques are forever changing and for the life of me I can’t keep track of what they are these days. Something about roadmen and plastics maybe? That rings some sort of bell anyway, who knows? But if you were like me and facing secondary school in the mid-2000’s, then you were most likely left with a choice of two factions, both of which stood at complete opposite ends of the scale. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present, the Chav, and the Emo. Sworn enemies until the dying days of the earth. Perhaps you were one of these and can openly admit it and even laugh about it. Or maybe you’re just too ashamed to confess that this phase was in fact a part of your development as a teen. Maybe you’re in denial. I won’t judge you. The fact is, these factions were a real thing back then, and although the Chav outlived the Emo, we can still learn to laugh and reminisce about those crazy scene days that once ruled our lives each day. So let’s do that. Let’s talk about the old days and what defined ‘The Emo Kid’ May I present to you, 10 Signs You Were An Emo Kid 1. YOU HATED EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING So I’ll start off with the obvious one here, and that is that you most likely hated everyone you knew, minus your other Emo comrades of course. I’ll just come out and say this, but did you hate your teacher? Your parents? Your pets for no particular reason? Did they do something you didn’t like, regardless of how little it was? Was their smiles too wide for your everyday mundane life? If you answered yes, then great – you were on your way to Emo-hood. However this one was strange, because deep down I know you probably didn’t hate everyone, but simply because you had the persona of a gravestone and came off as friendly as a brick wall you just kind of stuck with the hatred of positivity. Ever see the Emo kid that always smiled? No? That’s because they weren’t a real Emo kid. A real Emo kid would have kept their heads down, muttered obscenities at anyone breathing that wasn’t one of your friends. You hated everyone through and through, and regardless of what the world had done, you made sure THEY were the problem, not you. 2. THE FRINGE Oh, the fringe; the trademark of the Emo kid that everyone had. You probably reached this point early on and decided if you were going to make it with the opposite sex then you needed to rock the cringe fringe 24/7. Day in, day out you would style your hair for hours, straightening it and burning the hell out of the ends until it was just long enough to cover one eye. The longer your fringe, the cooler you were. That’s just how it was for some reason. It of course, being like your personality, had to be blacker than the soul and thicker than moose’s blood. Your fringe was your baby, and if you wasn’t spending at least half the day correcting it and keeping on top of obscuring one eye then you weren’t a very good Emo kid. Hair was everything, plain and simple.

3. THE STUDDED BELT AND RED SKINNIES

That, as well as the other insane things you used to ‘rock’ like the fingerless gloves or black and

white chequered hoodies.

Whatever you wore, you made sure it was branded with Blue Banana, because that’s essentially the only retailer that did awesome enough stuff for your Emo requirements.

If you were a guy, you thought you could pull off guyliner better than any chick you knew, and no matter the occasion or how far away from your bed you had to go that day, you made sure your eyes were thicker than a pandas regardless.

Before leaving home you made sure you had AT LEAST two studded belts, both diagonally crossed and fastened through only one hole on your jeans.

As for the girls, a not so sturdy pair of fishnet stockings were on the essentials, oh, and also a spare pair to cover your bloody arms for some reason.

Bracelets and bracelets, so many damn bracelets filled your skin right up to your elbows, and why? Maybe to cover the…*cough cough*

Moving on.

4. YOU CAPTIONED EVERYTHING WITH ‘RAWR!’

To this day I still don’t understand it, but maybe you do.

Back in the day when Bebo was alive and everyone used to obsess over mirror selfies with their Sony Ericsson phones, the dinosaur was an iconic thing to the Emo kids.

Don’t ask me why, I don’t have an answer for it.

You used to hold one hand out like a claw and have a mouth like Clint Eastwood, slightly open and aggressive like you were about to annihilate a herbivore.

Each photo had to be angled perfectly just so you’d see the several lip piercings you gathered over the last year or so, and if you could sneak in a tongue piercing somewhere you were at the peak of your image, truly.

You also made sure to ‘own’ everyone else’s photo’s too, which never actually accounted for anything at all.

Thought someone was hot? Comment ‘I own this’ and some incredible thing happened. Nobody knew what the thing was, but it happened alright.

You owned the hottest pics of the day, and it literally meant zilch. Congratulations, you achieved nothing.

5. EMOTION WAS EVERYTHING

If you weren’t a tween basket case going through a mental breakdown for two years straight then you weren’t an Emo kid.

If you broke a smile more than twice a day you were considered one of the happy kids with a happy life and make-believe fairy parents. But if you were a true Emo then you honestly believed your life was the worst thing ever in existence. The world could collapse beneath our feet and it still wouldn’t even put a dent in your day-to-day life.

If you weren’t fighting off the make-believe depression you tried so hard to land yourself with then you were trying to find it, just so you could fight it all over again.

Every day was an emotional rollercoaster for you, and so long as you walked in your Vans shoes, the black cloud would slowly follow behind.

Everything was just terrible, utterly bloody terrible.

Cat died? Terrible.

Girlfriend left? Terrible.

Bus late? Terrible.

No mayo on your sandwich? Terrible.

Your life was just terrible, wasn’t it?

6. THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

So nine times out of ten we dated someone in our social circle, because deep down we felt the connection more and the sparks ignited slightly easier knowing they were just as Emo as you were.

Maybe it’s because you saw them every single day and considered them a friend already, and for that reason, a relationship was on the cards.

Chances are you dated a few people in your group, because let’s face it, when you’re fifteen and open to experimentation for the first time, you’re willing to just go out with everyone to get an idea of how everything works.

Like there was always that one quiet kid who was into the dodgiest stuff that caught you off guard, and if you ever found yourself in a relationship with that certain individual then you’ll know exactly what I mean. It’s weird.

But then there’s the one that got away, the other half of the jigsaw that quite literally ‘rocked your world’ and completed your black little heart. We’ve all been there, I know we have.

A decent length for a relationship back then was about five or six months, but to you that was like an eternity. It was so sacred that everyone knew about it. You were the ‘in couple’ of the crowd. Just how you liked it.

But kids being kids things eventually went spiralling out of control and plummeted to the ground, making you realise how screwed up your world was all over again.

Things ended for a crazy reason you could laugh about these days, but back then you felt like your whole world had come crashing to the ground.

Initiating Emo breakdown number eight thousand and twenty-one.

7. YOU HAD FOUR BANDS ON YOUR MP3 PLAYER

I’ll give this one a straight shot in the dark and you tell me how close I am to hitting home, okay?

Ahem, *cracks fingers*

1. My Chemical Romance

2. Panic At The Disco!

3. Fall Out Boy

4. Linkin Park

Yes? No? Spot on?

Well that was me anyway, and I know for a fact you had at least one of those bands on your crappy little MP3 player at school. Those and a few songs you heard from friends but didn’t quite know the band, so just referred to them as ‘songs that speak to me on a personal level’.

You and a million other Emo kids.

The lyrics were identical to the pain you were feeling on a day to day basis, and if you felt the warm throbbing in your heart when the first piano note of Black Parade played, then you were a part of the 95% of Emo kids that felt the passion for the music aspect of the scene. This was your go-to anthem when somebody asked what music genre you were into. Period.

You were the frontman of the Black Parade every day of the week.

8. YOU PROBABLY HUNG OUT UNDER A BRIDGE

Now I’m not saying you were a gremlin that loitered under a bridge, but you probably did have a hangout spot similar to that, didn’t you? Perhaps the town square that consisted of two benches and a pound shop. Maybe a church cemetery to match the dark aura you surrounded yourself in?

For me it was the town square, which funnily enough consisted of two benches and a pound shop. It was cheap and convenient, and I spent more hours sat there loitering than I did in my own home. If I had spare time, I was there. Smoking, drinking, and overall being a general public enemy to the elderly and working generations.

Shock horror it later budged to the nearby cathedral, because we eventually discovered that the more death surrounding us, the more Emo we were.

If it rained you’d find me cupped under the roof of a Debenhams store, sat in line with thirty other kids thinking we were the coolest dropouts in the county.

We later on figured out we weren’t. We were just a nuisance and an inconvenience for those trying to gain access to the doors of Debenhams.

But maybe this rings true for you as well? Did you have one of these hangout spots? Did you have an Emo home away from home?

9. BEBO. MSN. TUMBLR.

Tumblr, Tumblr, Tumblr – this was your life indoors. This was your second-life where you could break out of your shell without actually having to interact with anyone. If someone asked you you’re hobbies, you’d tell them ‘Tumblr’ and nothing else.

It was a place for you to express yourself through various captioned pictures and dark gruesome quotations. It was your way of saying, “I’m edgy, so what?”

If your Tumblr wasn’t plastered with pictures of Pete Wentz or Gerard Way then you weren’t cool, because those guys were heroes in your books. They were the definition of ‘Rawr’ or something along those lines.

Bebo was of course where it all started, before Facebook became the in-thing and dominated the social market. It was a place to share ‘luv’ and post your classic mirror selfies to the world. You probably had some edgy black profile theme with sparkly skulls and chessboard patterns, right? That’s because you were Emo, and you wanted the world to know it.

MSN was basically Facebook Messenger or WhatsApp except it had all those old quirky school features like webcam chats and classic emoji’s. Plus the cool thing with MSN was you could just have some crazy name like ‘Dark Life <3 Girlfriend <3 RAWR!’ and nobody batted an eyelid. That was just the norm, and it was perfect.

If you spent all your time indoors flicking between the three tabs of the above sites, then there’s a strong chance you were a textbook Emo kid.

10. YOU DESPISED THE CHAV KIDS

If like me you cringed at words like ‘Bruv’ and ‘Danz’ then you probably shared the strong hatred towards the Chavvy kids in school. Unfortunately they took up about eighty percent of the playground, and sadly for the Emo kids, they were unavoidable when trying to go about your day in peace.

You know the kids I’m talking about. The ones who usually wore tracksuits and hand-me-down Reebok classics. They’d usually try and boot a football in your direction if they so much as saw your fringe wave in the wind.

They’d be there when you crossed the field, they’d be there waiting outside your classroom, and they’d be there when you left the school gates at the end of the day. They were always around, doing whatever it took to ruin your day and boast to their mates.

To put it short, they were vile creatures that took pleasure in making your day even worse than it already was.

The Chav’s and the Emo’s were two factions always at war with one another. Two complete opposite ends of the scale. Different music, different hobbies, different vocabulary – everything.

You skate, they kick a ball. You bang your head to MCR, they punch the wall to N-Dubz.

Everything about the two factions was messy, and although they often say opposites attract, this was a case that never would come close without starting a fight.

Chav kids were what made school days so gruelling and dark, but you pushed through in whatever way you could. You stuck by your friends and mocked them from behind the filter of a cigarette. You said nothing and kept your head down, but whilst the fire was dimly lit, the coal was most definitely still burning.

In the end, the Chav outlived the Emo, but I’d like to say we had the last laugh. Because whilst we were socially beneath them in school, we managed to climb above them and realise a phase was just a phase and it was time to grow up in the end. We weren’t thirteen anymore. We were getting older and the greying hairs were inevitable.

The masses of Blue Banana clothing died out and became just like everybody else; mostly suits and ties sadly enough.

The Emo within may not hold as strong a presence anymore, but deep down I know some of us sure as hell still rock out to Black Parade on a regular basis. It’s a piece of us that’ll never die.

The Chavvy phase continues to grow, sometimes into people’s late thirties and beyond.

But the Emo kids will always be able to smile knowing full well they aspired to be more.

The Emo kid may have died in reality, but it will never for once be forgotten in our hearts.

…That is something a true Emo would say. *

So, were you an Emo kid?

Share your memories from this beautiful era below and allow the dark child within you to re-emerge for a while.

Emo kids unite!

- J Tury

#emo #emo girl #emotions #scene #music #article #trend #hair #rock #goth #skinnny #dark #mcr #fob #anime #list #nostalgia #love

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