#Brain also gets along real well with his ex and their husband! they hang out a lot and raise Ephie together | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

goddessjynx · 3 years

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Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

#send help #please reblog #mental health #parents #mother #father #moms #family #reblog #important #self care #self love #self help #self esteem #self healing #my story

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reachgirl · 3 years

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So..

Maddie had to basically raise and care for her brother when she was pretty young (from what we can gather), she was in an abusive relationship where her husband cut her off from family and friends, then when she finally managed to leave him he came back to stalk and kidnap her and stab her boyfriend, and she had to kill him. Then she was held hostage at the call center.

Buck had a difficult childhood (I think we’re safe to assume this much), then his sister left and it was obviously a big deal to him - and when she found him again she was almost killed by her abusive ex, he almost drowned and almost lost his friend’s son in a tsunami, had his leg crushed by a fire truck, had a pulmonary embolism, lost his job and his friends, his girlfriend left him because she couldn’t deal with the job, his other ex girlfriend used him as an emotional support crutch and then abandoned him without even giving him a clean break, his psychologist used her position of trust so she could sleep with him. Oh and his best friend / guy he’s clearly in love with was almost buried alive and.. it was never addressed again.

Athena’s fiancé was killed, she was almost killed by a serial killer, and her daughter almost killed herself, then she was kidnapped and almost killed again.

Bobby’s wife and children died tragically in a fire that he blames himself for.

Chim had an abusive dad, a mom who died when he was a teenager, he was bullied, his best friend sacrificed himself on a call and Chim was there to see it all, then he had a traumatic brain injury after a near-fatal car accident and his girlfriend left him right after, oh and he was catfished and stabbed by his girlfriend’s abusive ex-husband who then kidnapped her, and then she was kidnapped again at her place of work!

Eddie’s helicopter was shot down and his friend died, his son had to have multiple operations while he was away, his parents tried to take his son away from him, then his wife left him, twice, and then died in his arms. Then he was almost buried alive.

Hen was bullied, her relationship with her ex put her child’s safety in jeopardy, and she inadvertently caused a young girl’s death, oh and she almost died in the earthquake.

And most of the issues I listed don’t even include the stuff that happens to them on a day-to-day basis. Or any of the stuff that happened to Michael, Josh, Karen, Chris, May or Harry.

Now obviously, you could do a show that actually dives into the trauma of emergency responders, but that would be a very different tone. There’s always the question of how realistic can these shows really be in 45 minutes and still give us these crazy rescue scenarios (Tsunami?? Mudslide? Plane Crash? Check) AND emotional development each episode. Realistically, the 118 wouldn’t be the ones - or at least not the only ones - called in to save people on a failed water landing / plane crash in the ocean. Their area of operation wouldn’t span from the coastline doing abseiling rescues to trying to run down a hot air balloon to bank robberies to train crashes in the middle of nowhere.

So we also can’t expect them to be completely faithful to actual trauma psychology, because that would most probably make for boring TV, but even if it didn’t, it just COULDN’T be the show we love so much. They do give it some space, like showing Christopher dealing with nightmares, acknowledging the slower pacing of Madney’s relationship because of her past experiences, Bobby’s unwillingness to forgive himself, Eddie’s anger management issues and poor coping skills in general, Buck not giving himself time to heal properly because of his need to be defined by helping people so he can feel ‘worthy’, and some characters even get to go and see a psychologist - with mixed results, that also aren’t properly followed up on, and when Eddie says he didn’t click with the psychologist that’s seemingly also the end of him dealing with his anger issues. A lot of the time, the show acknowledges mental wellbeing once, and then drops it completely - like Buck’s abandonment issues being dealt with only as a set up for Abby to come back. Lone Star does a little better with Judd’s trauma from his entire team dying in front of him, and his survivor’s guilt, and how that affects his relationship.

BUT season 3 of 911 actually laid some good ground work with Eddie Begins, with Athena unsure of whether she will get back to work, with Hen considering changing careers, and Maddie and Chim’s relationship playing out the way it did. I really hope that a lot of the events in season 4 - the baby and the anxiety that comes with that (especially if you have shitty parents), May starting work as a 9-1-1 operator, Eddie and Buck going to Texas, Buck Begins, will circle back to some of these traumatic experiences and give them more room to breathe along with the new stuff that will inevitably come up. I mean we already know there’s going to be a freaking mudslide and LAVA and wildfires, so.

Maybe one of the reasons we love fanfiction is because it gives you room to explore a facet of the characters or their lives that isn’t given much room in the canon, maybe because it doesn’t fit the tone of the show or the writers are focusing somewhere else. I think it’s also the reason why buddie is so popular while actual canon ships are less so - it’s the same in a lot of fandoms. You’ll always have more fanfiction about the stuff you don’t get to explore on screen - the other relationships you already get to see played out, so it doesn’t feel as necessary to write about. So in fanfiction, we can give the characters space to breathe and deal with everything, and we can be realistic in how a new emergency doesn’t erase the trauma of past experiences, and how LONG it would actually take to deal with some of these issues in real life. There are SO many fanfiction out there in the 9-1-1 AO3 tag that do this so well, and that have a really good handle on how these characters would or could still be affected by this stuff, whether it’s panic attacks or nightmares or unhealthy coping mechanisms or emotional hang ups like guilt and feelings of inadequacy.(I think this is the reason why I tend to not like fanfiction that puts a heavy emphasis on headcanon for more trauma like kidnappings or abuse or childood trauma. There’s already so much stuff we have seen in the show, and in the hints we get about Buck’s childhood for example, I don’t need insult added to injury so to speak. But to each their own, obviously.) And I think that’s really cool and something we should talk about and seek out and write about, because it’s a huge reason why we care about these characters so much. And we should also continue to hold the show to a standard of not erasing the trauma, and give it space even when we’re realistic about how much space it can have in the kind of show 9-1-1 is.

So I guess that’s a long way of saying I’m excited it seems that season 4 will focus a lot more in depth on character and dealing with all the stuff I listed above. And I can’t wait to see where Buck’s abandonment issues come from, or how Eddie and Buck could bond over having shitty parents.

#911 #911 on fox #eddie diaz #evan buckley #maddie buckley #buckley siblings #chimney han #hen wilson #athena grant #bobby nash #911 season 4 #911 season 3 #911 season 2 #911 season 1 #9-1-1 #buddie

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eleanor-writes-stuff · 4 years

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i don’t wanna break your heart (i just want a brand new start) - ONE-SHOT

Months after things go horribly wrong with Ben, Rey plans to spend what was supposed to be her first holiday season as a married woman sick, miserable, and alone instead.

Enter Finn and Poe, completely unwilling to let their friend go through with that plan and completely willing to go behind her back to make sure it doesn’t pan out.

Also enter Ben, with a ton of apologies, homemade chicken noodle soup, and every intention of taking care of his ex-fiancée.

This December, I'll be writing a collection of one-shots for the holiday season. Gift Fic #1 is a modern AU getting-back-together for Twitter's @ft_shipper, who writes some truly beautiful tweet fics that are 11/10 worth checking out.

Also available on AO3. And hey, maybe check out my Twitter or Ko-fi?

“Peanut, you awake?”

Hidden under a mountain of blankets as she is, it takes Rey a while to make out Finn’s question. “Still alive,” she croaks back, and whines when he begins to tug at the covers. At least he has the decency to keep her curtains shut, so that she isn’t blinded by what little sunlight they’ve been blessed with this winter morning when he finally pulls away the last of her blankets to find her.

She can’t be a pretty sight, because Finn grimaces before a cool hand presses against her forehead. “Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own? It’s not too late for me to cancel, Poe can deal with his family on his own–”

It takes more effort than she’d like to bring one hand up and bat Finn’s away, every single part of her weak and sore with fever, but she’s not about to let him know that. “Finn, stop babying me and just go already. You love Christmas with the Damerons more than Poe does,” she reminds him.

“I do,” Finn shrugs, “but I love you more than Christmas. And Rey, I think if we threw you out into the snow right now you’d burn right through all of it. At least let us bring you to the hospital first, I’m sure Shara won’t mind us being late–”

Rey steels herself and uses one last burst of strength to yank the covers out of Finn’s hands and back over her head. “I’ll be fine,” she calls out through a yawn. “Now go before you make me get out of bed and kick you out of this apartment.”

She picks up on indecipherable grumbling even through the four layers that separate her from Finn, but eventually he relents with a heavy sigh and a pat on her shoulder. “Just… call me if you need me, okay? Promise me, peanut.”

His voice sounds like it’s coming from somewhere far away, maybe even underwater, as sleep drags her back under. Rey has one last fuzzy memory of giving in to Finn’s request, but she’s asleep again before he can say anything else.

A series of insistent knocks on their front door wakes her up just a few minutes later, though. It has to be Finn again, doubling back for something he’d forgotten. Probably his keys, since he’s knocking on his own door, but then how would he have locked the door in the first place?

“Oh,” Rey mutters to herself as she finally pokes her head out from underneath the covers. Thin beams of weak winter sunlight have snuck in through the cracks in her curtains, which means it’s definitely been more than a few minutes since Finn left, which means it’s definitely not Finn at the–

“Rey!”

Yeah, there’s that theory proven right. The voice calling out for her from the other side of the front door is barely audible here in her bedroom, but she can hear just well enough to know that it’s not Finn. He must’ve asked one of their other friends to stop by and check on her, but who’s still in town on Christmas Eve?

It’s a masculine voice; that much becomes clear when the call comes a second time as she slowly drags herself out of bed and across the small apartment. She’s making good progress, until he speaks again for a third time just as she’s passed the kitchen, just as she’s finally close enough to realize–

“Rey?”

The voice sounds suspiciously like… It can’t be, but there’s no way she’s wrong, no way she’s forgotten his voice this quickly, no way she’ll ever forget it. But why would he of all people be knocking on her door at – Rey squints at the novelty clock hanging above the front door – seven minutes past noon on Christmas Eve?

“Fever,” Rey reminds herself out loud, cursing her body for wreaking havoc on her senses and her heart like this. It’s probably just one of their many other guy friends, doing Finn and Poe a favor. Nodding to herself in approval of her theory, Rey finds the strength to continue her slow journey toward the front door and cautiously crack it open to see who her mystery visitor is…

… only to find that her fever-addled brain was right all along.

He’s got one hand up in the air, as if he’d been about to let loose another round of knocks, and his fourth attempt to call for her leaves him like a gentle exhale as they catch each other’s eyes.

“Rey.”

She, on the other hand, is too stunned to say anything in return. Because there, on the other side of her apartment door, stands Ben Solo – ex-fiancé and partner of five years, person who should have been her husband of two months and one week by now, man who broke her heart six months ago instead.

Seconds or minutes or hours pass – enough time for the shock to wear off and exhaustion to sweep back into her system. She clutches at the door a little tighter for support, and watches the way Ben’s eyes dart away from hers to observe the movement with a slight frown.

It’s enough to spur him into motion, apparently, because he lifts his other hand to reveal a lunch bag. “I brought soup,” he says quietly, his first words to her since the day he let her walk out of his life.

Rey thinks of asking him what the hell he’s doing here, what the fuck he thinks he’s doing waltzing back into her life like this.

She thinks of slamming the door in that stupid face she’s missed so much and ignoring his unwanted presence until he leaves her alone again.

She thinks of undoing months of so-called healing to rip open all of her wounds and resume that fight they never really settled, the one she’d chosen to walk away from instead.

But the thing is… Rey grew tired of fighting Ben Solo a long time ago. Maybe that’s why they ended up like this, why they ended at all. And that thought, more than the fever, more than anything else, drains her of what little fight she’d had in her to begin with.

So she opens the door with a sigh, and steps aside to let him back into her life.

❄ ❄ ❄

On an unusually sunny late October morning, Rey finds herself admiring the way beams of sunlight set the diamonds of her engagement ring ablaze and create little rainbows in their wake. Odd, how something she’s had for less than twelve hours can feel so much like a part of her already, so right.

A heavy arm slings itself around her middle as Ben rolls onto his side, pressing his face into her thigh. She tears her eyes away from the ring to shoot him a fond smile, running her free hand through his hair as he slowly blinks awake and peers up at her.

“Why’re you up?” Ben mumbles, warm lips brushing against her bare skin.

Rey shrugs and slides back down into bed so that he can hold her properly. “Too excited to sleep, I guess. I’ve just realized something, by the way.”

He’s fully awake now, a slow, lazy smile stretching across his face as he reaches for her left hand and draws it closer so that they can both admire the heirloom ring he’d slid onto her finger just last night, the ring he later admitted he’d been carrying around since their first anniversary three years ago. “What is it?” Ben asks softly, bringing her hand up to his lips to brush a feather-light kiss across her palm before he lets go.

“Weddings,” Rey tells him as she moves to mimic him, the both of them resting on their sides and facing each other. She tips her head back to give him a quick kiss before adding, “We’ve never talked about weddings. Do you have any idea what you want?”

Ben shrugs, but he’s still wearing that lazy smile and his eyes are bright too, lit up from within and without as more sunlight pours into their bedroom. “I want whatever you want.”

And that has to be the standard answer, the easiest answer for grooms who’d like as little involvement in planning their own wedding as possible, but somehow Rey knows that’s not why Ben is saying it. That’s never why he’s happy to go along with her plans for everything, even though he tends to have grander ideas for anniversary dates and summer vacations and dinner parties; he just really, really wants her to have everything she wants, and trusts that he’ll be happy so long as she’s happy. It’s worked out for them so far, but if a wedding is meant to set the tone for the marriage it gives birth to, then Rey doesn’t want them to do their usual thing this time around.

Her marriage to Ben will be one of the most important things in her life, Rey already knows, and she wants them to start it off the right way, as a team. “I don’t really know what I want,” she claims, a half-truth at worst; she’s entertained the odd daydream here and there in her four years with Ben, but it’s true that she hasn’t really decided on anything yet. “What about you? Did little Ben ever imagine what his big day would be like?”

She means to tease, to joke, but after a moment Ben furrows his brows in concentration and Rey suddenly finds herself eager for a real answer.

“I didn’t… I mean, I never gave much thought to the colors and the cake and all that stuff, but… I was three when my parents got married, remember?”

Of course she does; the highlight of her first visit to his parents’ place had been Leia breaking out the wedding album to show her adorable pictures of little ring-bearer Ben. There’s even a fuzzy old VHS of Ben toddling down the aisle with one hand carefully balancing a small pillow and the other clutching at his Uncle Luke for balance, tiny face scrunched in concentration as he kept his eyes on the rings he’d been tasked with.

“I don’t remember much, but I know there were a lot of people, so many people I’d never even seen before and haven’t seen since. And I just… I don’t know. That doesn’t seem right to me, that my parents – my mom – had all of these people who didn’t even really matter at their wedding, people who probably didn’t even really care about them or their happiness and were only there out of some sense of obligation. So I guess the one thing I’d want is to keep it meaningful, you know?” he asks, reaching out to tuck a few stray locks of bedhead behind Rey’s ear. “If this is about celebrating our love, then I only want to be surrounded by people who genuinely care for us and are happy for us. Something small, just close friends and family.”

A small wedding, coincidentally, happens to be the common thread running across all of her varying wedding fantasies. Rey rests her hand over the one slung around her waist, and laces their fingers together before giving Ben a small squeeze.

“That sounds perfect,” she tells him with a smile, and so it’s decided that they’ll surround themselves with love and only love on the day of their wedding.

❄ ❄ ❄

Ten minutes after she lets Ben back into her life, Rey finds herself leaning against her kitchen doorway and watching him from a safe distance as he makes himself comfortable in her kitchen and uses her stove to warm up his soup and goes through her cabinets for bowls and spoons. Well – her and Finn’s kitchen and stove and bowls and spoons, all of which Ben probably remembers from the numerous times Finn had them over for dinner throughout the course of their relationship.

A small part of her is irritated at how easily he navigates her space, but a bigger part just aches at the familiar sight of him putting together a meal for her. The soup is homemade from Leia’s secret family recipe – the one she’d made Ben teach her the first time he got sick during their relationship; the one that had become a staple in their shared household, a secret form of communication whenever one of them felt that the other was working too hard or needed more rest. She honestly can’t remember how many times they’ve made this exact soup for each other, and now she’s watching Ben heat it up and ladle it into two bowls for them while she tries to come to terms with the fact that her ex-fiancé is apparently here to play nurse and spend Christmas Eve with her.

She’s still struggling to make her peace with the idea when Ben finally turns around and sets two bowls down on the kitchen island-slash-dining table, and then looks across the room to give her a pleading look.

“Fine,” Rey huffs as she slumps into the closest bar stool and drags one bowl toward her. From the corner of her eye she can see Ben settling down and pulling his soup closer as well, but Rey doesn’t look up. It’s for the best, really, given that tears start welling in her eyes as soon as the familiar taste of the soup invokes dozens of cherished memories and reminds her of what she’s lost, of what he’s denied the both of them–

But that’s a dangerous path to tread in her mind, one that will only lead to more tears, and so Rey defaults to the mantra that’s kept her together since the day she turned her back on him: better mad than sad.

With that in mind, she decides to break their silence. “I’m surprised Snoke doesn’t have you slaving away on Christmas Eve this year,” Rey says through gritted teeth, barely suppressing the snarl that that name naturally draws from her.

Ben, to her surprise, merely shrugs and continues focusing on his soup. “I’m sure he’d like that, but I’ve made it clear that I don’t really give a fuck what he wants outside of office hours,” he says so calmly, so casually, as if this doesn’t change everything.

Rey, meanwhile, has to try really hard to keep her spoon from splashing into her soup. Her hand shakes as she takes a few careful sips to buy herself some time, blinking and processing and weighing potential replies until she finally settles on a relatively harmless one. “Good for you,” she mutters, just loud enough to be heard across the kitchen island.

For the longest time, the kitchen is filled with nothing but the too-loud sounds of her spoon accidentally scraping against the bowl a little too hard as she tries to put up an unaffected front. It’s only when Rey pushes her bowl away that she realizes Ben stopped moving a while ago, that Ben’s been watching her this whole time.

When she finally finds the strength to look up at him, he’s staring at her with the most heartbreaking look she’s ever seen on him, his eyes reminding her of pictures she’s seen of his childhood dog and its sad, pleading eyes during big holiday meals.

Still holding eye contact, Ben murmurs, “I wish I’d done it earlier.”

And Rey… god, Rey wants nothing more than for him to have done so too, for them to be able to go back in time and shake some sense into past Ben before he ruined everything and broke her heart and destroyed their future.

But she never gets what she wants, not really. The piles of unsent wedding invitations gathering dust under her bed are evidence enough. So instead of getting her hopes up, instead of giving him the power to break her all over again…

Instead of all that, Rey abruptly gets up with an ugly, painful scrape of her chair against the floor and turns her back on Ben as she makes her way out of the kitchen.

It’s oddly reminiscent of the last time she’d walked out on him, damning silence and quiet resignation and all. The thought weighs her down, stops her by the doorway.

“Yeah,” Rey sighs without turning back, “me too.”

She disappears into her room before Ben can say something in return – or worse, not say anything at all.

❄ ❄ ❄

According to Leia’s expert advice, it’s only polite to send save-the-dates six months in advance, especially since some of their friends and family will have to fly in for the wedding.

And so, a rainy April evening finds Rey and Ben and multiple versions of their potential guest list sprawled out across their living room in an attempt to finalize at least this one aspect of their wedding planning.

“Babe,” Rey speaks up with a slight frown as she comes upon a series of names that don’t ring a single bell. “Exactly how many Naberrie relatives are we expecting, and why do all of them have different last names?”

“Hmm?” Ben hums in acknowledgement, looking up from his own list of her guests. In a last-ditch attempt to trim the list down to their original idea of fifty or less, they’ve taken to scrutinizing each other’s guests to identify potential exclusions. “Wait, let me see that.”

He reaches out for the list, but Rey – sprawled out on her stomach with her legs crossed at her knees and her feet comfortably swinging in the air – decides to roll closer instead and face-plant into his lap. It feels unbearably silly, but at least it draws an increasingly rare laugh out of Ben. She doesn’t get to hear that precious sound much these days, not with Ben as overworked and tired as he is from all of those long nights and weekend meetings he keeps getting roped into.

Besides, she’s planning her wedding with the love of her life – Rey figures she’s allowed to feel silly and light and maybe even a little bit fluttery.

“Oh, those aren’t the Naberries,” Ben tells her as one hand instinctively moves to the back of her head to comb through her hair. “They’re some of our biggest clients and a few potential ones too, so Snoke figured it’d be a good idea to invite them.”

And just like that, all feelings of the silly, light, and fluttery variety vanish into thin air.

“Ben,” she groans, though it’s muffled by his tee shirt. “I thought we agreed on no work guests?”

They had, just two weeks ago when Rey first noticed their guest list had somehow ballooned from a manageable fifty-seven to a rather alarming ninety-nine. It’s why she’s crossed out a bunch of her colleagues, and has allowed Ben to mark several more for reconsideration.

He’s still running his hand through her hair, but it’s not as soothing anymore. “I know, sweetheart, but Snoke really thinks–”

Rey drags herself into an upright position so that she can look Ben in the eye when she scowls, crosses her arms, and says, “Well, if Snoke has such strong wedding guest list opinions, maybe he should save them for a wedding of his own.”

To her dismay, Ben simply laughs at the idea rather than take note of her irritation. “It’ll be okay, Rey, I promise. It’s only thirty people at most–”

“Thirty?” she echoes with horror. “Ben, we’re trying to trim this back down to fifty. Thirty is more than half of that!”

“About that,” he hedges, setting the list down to give her his full attention. “I was thinking… maybe we keep the fifty quota for friends and family, and just count these thirty separately?”

She reaches for the list Ben’s just set down, along with all of the others marked as his guests, and takes a good hard look at them only to realize… “Ben, more than half of your guests are people from work. I thought we wanted something small and intimate?”

“Small went out the window the second you agreed to let my mother invite our entire family, Rey,” he tells her wryly, snatching the papers out of her hands. “Besides, what difference does it really make? It’s still just going to be you and me up there, we’ll just need more chairs at the ceremony and more food at the reception–”

The idea of being surrounded by strangers at her own wedding reception was bad enough, but the ceremony? Ben intends to have complete strangers bear witness to the most intimate moment of their lives?

Rey can’t believe what she’s hearing, what she’s seeing. How is this the same Ben who promised her the wedding of her dreams, the same Ben who hated his parents’ wedding despite barely remembering it? How is this still her Ben, when he consistently sides with and picks Snoke over her these days?

“This isn’t even a wedding anymore,” she snaps, more harshly than she’d intended or even realized herself to be capable of. But the more she thinks of it… “It’s a fucking networking event, Ben. And I’ve been to enough of those to know that I’m not spending my wedding surrounded by strangers and alone in a corner while you and your boss make the rounds.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Ben’s eyes soften, and for one beautiful, golden moment Rey thinks she’s finally gotten through to him, finally made him see sense, finally snatched him back from the jaws of that slimy old bastard. “C’mere,” he mumbles, holding his arms open. “That’s not going to happen, I swear. I won’t leave you alone like that.”

She’s just about to fall into his arms when he ruins it all. “It’s our wedding, Rey. We’ll make the rounds together.”

The world comes to a stop, and then crashes.

Rey yanks herself back and stumbles to her feet instead, ignoring Ben’s open arms and questioning look as she picks her way through the mess of papers scattered around them. “I’m going to bed,” she tosses over her shoulder as she storms out of the living room. “We can talk about this again when you get your priorities straight.”

In the morning, Ben’s already left for work by the time she wakes and she can’t tell if he spent all night working on the guest list or if he simply chose to sleep on the couch. But when she finds the updated list still cluttered with twenty of Snoke’s guests, she’s just angry enough to not care either way.

❄ ❄ ❄

Sitting on the edge of her bed, Rey can hear the sounds of Ben moving about in the kitchen, cleaning up after them and putting away the dishes. When the apartment finally falls silent, she squeezes her eyes shut and tells herself this is it, this is the moment he packs up and leaves without even a goodbye–

But then he shuffles past her slightly-ajar door, and not two minutes later she hears him turn on the TV and settle into Finn’s creaky old couch.

It looks like he’s planning to stay for a while, then – which is more than she could say of him during their last few months together, Rey grudgingly reminds herself. She’s spent too much time since that day wondering if maybe she’d overreacted, if things had still been manageable or salvageable, only to remember how awful it had been to feel alone around the one person who’d promised her she’d never be alone again. And sure, she’s lonely now too, lonelier than ever before maybe, but somehow it doesn’t hurt as bad, knowing that she’s choosing to be lonely rather than allowing herself to be forgotten and abandoned again while Ben slaves away at work.

Only… he doesn’t do that anymore, it seems.

With a cry of frustration, Rey puts an end to her thoughts going in circles by reaching for her phone for the first time since she was so rudely woken up by her unexpected ghost of Christmas past. She scoffs when she finds a flurry of texts from Finn and a handful from Poe as well, the earliest of which is timestamped just ten minutes after they were supposed to leave the apartment.

Finn: Okay, please don’t kill me but

Finn: It’s Christmas, peanut. I couldn’t let you spend it sick AND alone

Finn: Also Poe maaaybe still meets up with him sometimes and maaaybe let it slip that you aren’t feeling well and we won’t be around for a few days

Poe: IT WASN'T MY IDEA

Finn: And… I have to be honest, peanut

Finn: We all know how much you’re hurting

Finn: And Poe says he’s hurting too

Finn: Enough that the both of us thought maybe…

Poe: Okay fine maybe it was, but it’s a shared idea.

Poe: With Finn.

Poe: He needs to take AT LEAST 50% of the blame

Finn: Anyway that’s not the point

Finn: Just… please let him help? For me

Finn: I’m just worried about you, that’s all

Finn: We can talk about the rest when I get back

Finn: Love you, peanut

Rey… god, Rey doesn’t know what to feel or think or say. She knows they mean well, knows they only acted out of love and concern for her, but… a little warning would have been nice. And what were they even thinking, letting Ben ambush her like that? Oh sure, she believes he’s been hurting too, isn’t so blinded by anger or her own pain that she’d deny him his, but he was the one who ruined everything, he was the one who picked Snoke over her, who watched her walk away without even trying to stop her, who gave up after barely two weeks of trying to call and text and communicate through their friends.

Ben has known all along exactly what he needed to do to fix things, and it’s still taken him six months to do so. Even if he were to quit his job and tell Snoke to go shove his head up his ass, it would be too little, too late at this point… right?

“Don’t even think about it,” she mutters out loud, forcing herself to concentrate on the here and now instead of what could have been and what could be. The here and now is Finn’s desperate, pleading, well-intentioned texts waiting for a reply, a reply that Rey decides she’s not quite up to giving him just yet. She’s too soft-hearted to snap at him, but too hurt and betrayed to let him off the hook just yet. Besides, she doesn’t want to be held accountable for whatever she says in her feverish state.

So Rey does what any other person in need of a distraction would do: she scrolls through Instagram and likes a bunch of photos of all her friends spending the holidays with loved ones. And when that’s done, she goes through her messages and writes back to a dozen holiday wishes. And when those are handled, she taps on the Facebook app in an act of sheer boredom and desperation… and promptly regrets it.

Because the first thing she sees is Facebook’s oh-so-helpful reminder that exactly one year ago today, she’d posted a picture of her and Ben spending their first Christmas Eve together as an engaged couple.

Her phone is sent sailing across the bed, landing on her pillow with a thankfully soft thump. Rey pulls her knees up to her chest and curls into herself, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths until the moment has passed, until her tears recede, until the white-hot pain fades back into the constant, dull ache she’s grown used to.

And then, like the masochist she is, she reaches under her bed for a photo album.

❄ ❄ ❄

With only four months left before the wedding and everyone’s schedule growing increasingly packed due to a variety of work and personal commitments, the wedding party takes to having the occasional marathon planning session at Leia’s place, during which they typically knock a good chunk of planning and preparations out in one afternoon.

Their second marathon session revolves around the venue, and Leia starts by happily announcing that they’ve indeed managed to secure the Amidala Gazebo and its surroundings for October 17th. Despite the fact that the entire botanical garden itself is named and was built in honor of Ben’s grandmother, it’s popular enough that Leia had to pull some strings to make this happen. Now that it’s a done deal though, everyone is smiling and clapping and cheering in celebration – everyone except Ben.

“Ben?” Re calls quietly, hoping not to attract attention from the others. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just…” He makes the mistake of speaking at a normal volume, and suddenly the room falls silent as everyone turns to the two of them. “Does it have to be October 17th?” Ben asks the room at large, only to be met with blank looks.

It would make for a funny sight, especially since even Poe seems to have been shocked into silence, but Rey can’t quite pause to appreciate the moment as a familiar wave of dread begins to swell. “I mean…” she begins calmly, evenly, trying her best to give Ben the benefit of the doubt even though a part of her already knows. “Since that’s the date we told everyone to save, I’d say yes, it does?”

“It’s just,” Ben stops and darts his gaze to his left, and that’s when Rey realizes he’s had his phone right next to him all along, keeping tabs on work even on a Sunday, even as she sits right next to him trying to get his opinion on lighting options for the venue.

The wave of dread pulls Rey under, ushering in a familiar sinking sensation in her stomach that threatens to turn into nausea. “It’s just, Pryde is flying in that weekend for a meeting, and Snoke has me running point on the…” Ben trails off, finally reading the room or maybe catching sight of the stricken look Rey knows she’s wearing.

He reaches for her hand and gives her a reassuring smile. “It’s fine, forget it. Don’t worry about it, I’ll just get everything done in the morning and then rush over. The ceremony starts at four, right?”

And the worst part is, he actually looks like he’s trying his best, actually looks like he thinks this is okay.

Rey snatches her hand back while everyone else remains deadly silent.

“Rey?” Ben asks, the smile on his face faltering.

She takes a deep breath. “Are you seriously telling me,” Rey says quietly, biting off each word with deadly precision, “that you intend to go to work on the day of our wedding?”

“It’s just a half-day, sweetheart,” he says, and someone – Finn, maybe, or Poe – sucks in a sharp breath at him doubling down on this. Neither of them turn to see who it is, though, trapped together in a brewing storm that separates them from the others. “Don’t worry, I’ll be on time, maybe even fifteen minutes early–”

So he’s planning to leave her and his family and her friends to manage his work guests while he’s off handling even more work, and then waltz in maybe fifteen minutes before their wedding, and then spend the evening networking with clients.

“I’m done,” Rey announces as she stands up, looking around to see everyone else graciously pretending to be staring at their phones or their hands or their laps. “I’m fucking done,” she decides, and walks away.

“Rey!” Ben calls after her, and promptly gives chase. “Sweetheart, calm down, we can talk about this, I know weddings are stressful but–”

She whirls around so fast she nearly knocks into him, hot on her heels. “Not the wedding,” she snaps, because how is it possible that he still can’t see what’s happening here, what he’s doing to them?

What he’s already done to them, Rey realizes with a wave of quiet resignation as everything comes crashing down on her, every cancelled date and lonely night and entire weeks away at a time when they should be closer than ever–

“Not the wedding, Ben,” she says again, softer this time, though she can’t tell if her voice is calm or just small, weak, broken at the thought that… that… “Everything. All of it. I’m just… I’m done, Ben.”

And even after everything, she takes no pleasure in seeing the hurt she’s been carrying around on the inside for months finally reflected in his eyes.

“Rey…” he whispers, taking a step back as if her words have him reeling. The way he’s looking at her… god, it’s like she’s just taken a knife to his heart.

She wavers then, just for a moment, tells herself that maybe it’s not too late, maybe now he’ll finally understand what a mess they’ve gotten themselves into and work with her to fix it–

Their moment of silence is broken not by an offer of peace, but the Imperial March. It’s coming from Ben’s phone, which she realizes now is in his pocket, which he’d found the time to pick up even in his haste to go after her, which even now he automatically reaches for before he realizes what he’s doing just in time to stop.

The ominous tune plays on, Snoke’s custom ringtone for summoning his loyal servant.

Rey would know; she was the one to set it. She sees the way Ben’s fingers twitch, the way his entire frame is tense with the need, the instinct to respond to Snoke’s call, and gives him a small, sad smile. “I’ve been telling you for months to get your priorities straight,” she reminds him gently, too tired to summon any real energy or fight within her, too sad to wrestle with what she already knows is a predetermined outcome. “Moment of truth, Ben.”

The music finally stops then… only to start again seconds later. And this time, the siren call proves too strong for Ben to overcome. “Just a minute, Rey,” he pleads, looking her in the eye even as he pulls his phone out. “It’ll be just a minute, sweetheart, I’ll tell him to call back later–”

She’s already walking away.

“Rey, wait, Rey!”

And she doesn’t turn back to see if he follows, doesn’t even need to. Because the music stops and his voice replaces it almost immediately.

“Sir, I’m sorry but now is not a good– Oh. I understand. Yes, I’ll be there right away–”

The first wave of tears hit her then, as he lets her walk away without a fight, as he picks someone else over her again and again and again.

“What the fuck, man?” she hears Finn growl even as Ben continues to placate his boss rather than her, and seconds later her best friend is the one who comes after her, who drives her away, who lets her cry on his shoulder in the botanical garden where she and Ben will no longer be getting married.

❄ ❄ ❄

“Rey, can I get you more–”

It’s her fault, really, for not shutting the door. She’d just wanted to be able to keep tabs on him, to know what he was doing and when he was leaving, and so Rey had pushed the door almost all of the way closed instead of shutting and locking it behind her like she should have.

Now it swings open under Ben’s fist, only to reveal her curled up in bed with tear-streaked cheeks as she relives the better parts of their relationship.

The album had been an engagement gift from Leia, filled with candids their friends and family had taken over the years, instances when their love had shined so brightly the people around them were compelled to capture the moment in time.

“Rey,” Ben sighs once he realizes what he’s looking at, and she’s getting so sick of hearing him say her name in that pained voice when once upon a time he only ever said her name with a smile. He rocks forward almost instinctively, stops and slows himself down to hesitantly move closer as she admits in a defeated whisper–

“I can’t do this anymore, Ben.”

He stops cold, five feet of distance between them yet so much more. “I’m sorry,” Ben says, looking at his feet. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have– I knew coming here wouldn’t change things, I’m not here to pressure you into anything, I swear, I just… I just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you to spend the holidays alone–”

“You left me alone a long time ago,” Rey points out – not accusatorily, not angrily, simply… a statement of fact, gentled by her resignation and acceptance and old hurt. He still flinches though, as if after all these months it’s somehow news to him that he broke his promise.

“All the times I had to show up to our friends’ places on my own because Snoke called you in,” she points out, because he deserves to know what he did wrong, because he needs to know what he did wrong if they’re– Rey stops there, doesn’t let her silly hopes get ahead of herself. “All the nights our bed was too big and too cold without you while you worked late. All the days I spent alone in the home we were supposed to share. Ben, you promised–”

She hadn’t planned on breaking down like this, hadn’t expected those memories to still hold so much power over her long after they’d done their damage. But her voice breaks, and her vision blurs, and a single sob rips past her lips as Ben closes the distance between them to pull her into his arms.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m so sorry, if I could do it all again, if I could change everything so that I never hurt you–”

Rey shakes her head, long past the stage of if and maybe, long past dwelling in circles and hypotheticals and daydreams. There’s no going back, she sees that now, but maybe, just maybe… there could be a way forward.

“I just…” She wipes away her tears and takes a deep breath, looks him in the eye when she asks, “I just want to know why, Ben. Why did you choose work over me? Why wasn’t I enough?”

And he knows, he knows exactly what it means for her to have to ask that, exactly what it means for him to have made her feel that way, because in the blink of an eye Ben is crying too. “Rey, no. You’re… you’ve always been enough, sweetheart. Always. Fuck, you’re more than enough, you’re too good for me, always have been. I’m just this huge fucking disaster of a human being with nothing to offer you, but I thought maybe… maybe if I made something of myself, maybe if I worked hard enough so I could give you everything… then maybe, maybe I would finally be good enough for you.”

Rey doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry or scream at the fact that they’ve wasted all this time, gone through all this hurt, just because… god, they really are perfect for each other, aren’t they, the two lonely, broken kids forever thinking they aren’t worthy of each other, forever worrying that they’re not enough?

“Ben,” she says and laughs and cries, “Ben, you idiot.”

He freezes. “What?”

“You idiot,” Rey says again, and can’t hide the odd mix of despair and affection in her voice this time. “You’ve always been enough for me. You filled my life with love, you gave me a home, you promised me a future and a family. Ben, you already gave me everything I ever wanted.”

Ben stares at her for the longest moment, blinking at her like she’s just told him the earth is flat. “You… but I… that would mean…”

“You were enough,” she tells him with a nod. “That was enough, Ben.”

She watches as he closes his eyes, as realization gives way to regret gives way to grief gives way to…

When Ben opens his eyes, there’s the slightest spark of hope in them. “Rey, do you think maybe… I mean, would you… Could it be enough again? Just us?” he asks haltingly, hesitantly.

After months of waking up in tears in this very bed, chasing after dreams so cruelly ripped away, it takes Rey a moment to realize that they’ve actually found their way to this point. A moment’s pause, though, is all it takes for Ben’s eyes to grow dull again as he lets her go and stands to leave. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… I don’t deserve a second chance, I know–”

Rey panics and reaches for his hand, yanks him back to her with what little strength she can muster from her heavy limbs. “I can’t do this anymore, Ben,” she tells him again, and watches as the fog in his eyes finally lifts. “I can’t be apart from you anymore. And that doesn’t mean I’ve completely forgiven you, doesn’t mean I’m not still sad and hurt and mad, but… but…”

But she’d rather be sad and hurt and mad with him than on her own, rather cry into his shoulder than her pillow, rather fix what they broke together than forge a new path alone.

And somehow, Ben sees that. “Rey,” he says, clutching both her hands as he drops down to his knees. “Sweetheart, I know I don’t deserve a second chance. But you deserve absolutely everything in life, and if you let me I’ll spend the rest of our lives giving you anything you want.”

His plea reminds her so much of his proposal, of his promise to give her everything in the world. But she’d never wanted everything, had she?

Rey hadn’t known the difference then but she knows better now, knows what they need to move forward. “All I want,” she tells Ben carefully, pointedly, “is you and us and our life together. That’s all I want, Ben. Nothing else.”

“Then that’s what you’ll have,” Ben promises her, all earnest eyes and sincere words, “and nothing else.”

It’s a good enough restart, Rey supposes, to a story that was never supposed to end anyway. “Good,” she says with a grin, and watches as a smile lights up his face. “Now get up here,” she commands with a tug at his hands, “because everything hurts too much for me to get down to you.”

The smile falls off Ben’s face immediately. “Wait, shit, I should’ve asked– are you on cold meds? Is this all for real, or should we talk again later, or–”

“Still an idiot,” Rey mutters with a smile as she leans down to silence him with a kiss.

“Your idiot, though,” Ben whispers between kisses, and all feels right with the world again.

. . .

Just a little past sunrise on December 27th, Finn and Poe cautiously tiptoe into their darkened apartment in the hopes of avoiding Rey’s wrath. Judging from the lack of communication they’ve had with both Rey and Ben in the past few days, their plan might not have worked out as well as they’d hoped.

Finn can only hope Rey will forgive them for their meddling before the year is up.

As terrified of his best friend as he is, he still makes a dutiful stop by her room to make sure that her fever really has broken as Ben had claimed in his single Christmas Day text to Poe. He cautiously twists her doorknob, slowly eases the creaky door open, and blinks a few times to make sure that his eyes aren’t playing tricks on him.

“It’s a Christmas miracle,” Poe whispers into his ear as he sneaks up on him, and Finn can only smile in response as a sleeping Rey shifts in Ben’s arms, the two of them still dozing with slight smiles on their faces as the winter sunlight bounces off a familiar ring on Rey’s finger.

#reylo #reyben #rey/ben solo #rey/kylo ren #kylo ren/rey #star wars #rey #ben solo #kylo ren #my fics #fic archive #fic: brand new start

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laurasinele · 5 years

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A Fictober19 Harringrove drabble + a story of survival and awareness

Written for Fictober19 prompt 20: “You could talk about it, you know”

Harringrove fanfic (Stranger Things) + the real life experience that inspired it

WARNING: PAST RAPE/SEX ABUSE (the present is mostly fluff)

DMs on the subject are welcome

I honestly had no idea what to do with this. I'm working on each prompt on the same day or the day before, though I try to decide the theme and basic plot about four days prior to publication. I had absolutely no idea about this one. My husband suggested to make it chapter 3 of Magpies, but in that one neither Draco nor Harry are bottling things up, so this line didn't really fit there. Then, yesterday, the 19th, something unpleasant happened to me and I decided I could use this prompt as an outlet. I went through my ships and the idea of pouring myself in my headcanon of Billy Hargrove became strong (mind you. I have not seen season 3, and I am aware things get complicated in that one to say the least, but let me bask into my post-season 2 repressed and traumatised baby who finds solace and love and understanding in Steve’s superhuman empathy and general gorgeousness).

Click the link for the fic, what follows is the personal experience that inspired it, which you can also find in the fic’s chapter 2.

I am a sex abuse victim. The abuse took place in the form of repetitive non consensual sex in the context of an established relationship, through guilt-tripping mostly, on occasion by overpowering me physically.

The guilt-tripping went as follows: up until I was 22 my sex-drive used to be well above average. Now I know it was due to a hormonal unbalance and the hypomanic stages of my now diagnosed type II bipolar disorder. Back then, I saw it as a very defining trait of my identity, as I felt free, empowered and connected with my body and my lovers.

I said lovers because I had several of them simultaneously. Everybody was informed and agreed to it. Some of them were and still are friends of mine and between them. It was all open, honest and healthy.

My relationship with my abuser started with him being one of those lovers. Then, evolved into an “official” relationship, but still open. In a natural way, he became my only relationship, as the others either started exclusive relationships or had schedules incompatible with mine, while my boyfriend studied with me and I spent most of the time at his parent’s place to avoid the continued low-key psychological and emotional abuse of my father, but that’s another story.

Still, even though none of us was seeing anyone else, we agreed that our relationship was open. At one point, I mentioned I was planning on meeting one of my past lovers. Just meeting, nothing I said suggested there was going to be any kind of intimacy. He got angry. He didn’t lash out and, after a while of sulking, he reasoned that our relationship was still open but he was not comfortable with the idea of me meeting that particular person because there had been a romantic relationship, and he was willing to have and let me have other sexual relationships but not romantic ones. We debated cordially for a while and I accepted his point. Flash forward several months later at my faculty’s cantina: a very good friend, who actually became my lover later on in my life, and is not anymore but is still a very close friend, started to flirt with me jokingly, as we usually did. My boyfriend joined us at our table, we kept our conversation peppered with compliments and pick up lines and, at some point, it got hot. And it was okay, it was public knowledge that my boyfriend and I were polyamorous. My friend and I accompanied my boyfriend to meet a professor and, along the way, we were making plans for the afternoon. My boyfriend had something to do, at what rose the possibility of hanging out with my friend and see where all the spicy talk went. My boyfriend had been encouraging us and playing matchmaker all the while, and he said something along the lines of “sure, go ahead”, but when my friend and I started to discuss the logistic he got nervous. We noticed and exchanged worried looks, slowing the conversation down a notch. It was all very natural and open up until that moment, but the change in the mood was so obvious that I finally asked what was wrong. He said he wasn’t comfortable with me fucking one of my best mates because, well, he knew the guy. I couldn’t believe it at first. I remembered the first restriction: no ex-boyfriends. Now, not people that we both know. Because he said it in front of my friend, and my friend knew me quite well and recognised the look in my face as more than mildly annoyed, he hurried to say it was okay with him and asked me if I could still give him a lift. That way I avoided an argument with my boyfriend on the topic of “Is this restricting our openness as a couple becoming a trend?”. Not other prospects rose for me nor for him, and we never discussed exclusiveness again.

Not long after that incident, I fell into a depression. Both the depressive state and the anti-depressants affected my libido enormously. I was practically never in the mood for sex. Sometimes I willingly made an effort when he initiated it, but I realised the experiences were not comfortable for me and forcing myself was only making it more difficult to get my sex-drive back. I explained this. He said it made sense. Next night he tried again. I said no. This went on for a couple of weeks. Then he got, not angry but, dramatic, and said he had lots of trust and self-esteem issues and, that if we didn’t have sex, he felt as if I didn’t love him. I explained for the umptenth time, and emphasized that he already knew this, that my low sex drive was a chemical catastrophe in my brain and had nothing to do with my love for him. That, if something, it was challenging my self perception, as I had identified with my sexuality and explored it confidently and freely from a very, very early age. This was hurting me as much or more as it was hurting him. He calmed down for another week or two. He brought the “I feel like you don’t love me anymore” discourse again. I decided to have sex with him that night. It was awful. I didn’t came nor wanted to. He insisted on making me. He stopped trying with his fingers when I closed my legs, since my words didn’t seem to be enough. That night passed and others came. I said no, he said yes, I said no, he was almost 6’5 feet tall (2 meters) and his hand was bigger than my face. He opened my legs by force (I think he thought it was roleplaying). That made me freeze and I let him have his way. I still tried to say no every next time. I eventually stopped saying yes or no. I just layed there.

Now, when I started to tell this story to people, the most common first question was: why did you keep going to his place to sleep? The answer is simple: I did not see it as something as bad as going home and facing the tension and scorn and yells from my father. In the great scheme of things, I know now that what my boyfriend did was worse but, because of its duration in time and newness, the situation at my home felt much more real and unbearable. I still didn’t realize what my boyfriend was doing was rape. I just thought we had things to talk about and the moment to do so never came.

The first time I called it by its name it was like an epiphany. For some reason I remember it was March, and I remember I told him: “You’ve been doing it for six months”. We had an argument for an entirely different reason that I don't remember and it evolved into the fact that lately we were constantly arguing. I kept trying to get somewhere in that particular argument because it kept going in circles: he pointed out problems and I kept saying those weren’t what was wrong with us. He asked impatiently and loudly what was it then. And I bursted out, and I didn’t even know the words were inside me, I didn’t had the notion before talking: “Our problem is that you’ve been raping me for six months. You’ve been doing it for six months, and I say no, and you keep going at it and in the end I stopped saying no because it was easier than risking to get hurt. And so I can’t trust you anymore and that's why snap at you for everything”.

He was horrified. He covered his mouth with his hand and became pale. He seated and whispered “It’s true. This is horrible. This is horrible, horrible. This is horrible.” He kept repeating that word. I told him I had never known it was rape until I said it outloud and that, now that we both knew, it had to stop. He was disgusted with himself and he stopped. For a couple of weeks.

I never told him again what he was doing. I grew more and more wary of saying no. I just rolled with it: the non consensual sex and the relationship itself. That summer we ended it civilly, because there wasn't a moment we weren't at each other's throats, and we still remembered that we used to be friends. He had even pushed me against his wardrobe to make me shut up once. So we thought breaking up for good, and this is important, he specifically said “for good” and we agreed, was our best option.

Then began the gaslighting. I don't know if it was intentional or he is actually that delusional. I had buried the fact that none or almost none of the sex I had had in the last year had been consensual, and moved on with my life. He was still my classmate, one of my closest friends and a constant presence in my social life. I told everyone to support him specially because I'd had more experience in breakups while he was more emotionally unstable in general (and everyone knew this for a fact).

One day, two friends came to visit me to the store I managed. They asked how was I doing and I said I was fine, that in the end it was obvious that we could not be a couple. They exchanged disconcerted looks. "That's not what he's saying. He's telling everyone you've taken three months off and then you'll be back together". I was beyond shocked, specially by the specificity of it. Three months, he was saying. When they saw my reaction it was like opening a dam. They started to list all the apparently uncharacteristic things he was doing: he was drinking alcohol (he never did before), he was hard-core hitting on everyone, he was always trying to make plans with everybody and he would always talk about himself over any other thing.

In the span of a few months, he got a girlfriend and dumped her in a very ugly fashion. Two days prior to their breakup, their love was all over his Facebook, and right before leaving for a job abroad he dumped her telling her openly that he didn't love her. By then, our interactions were minimal and I had been starting to flinch whenever he touched me, but I didn't pay much thought to it until this breakup and a very unfortunate line he threw on me. There was a farewell party for him and, at the end of it, he approached me and said that now that he was single again we could fuck every now and then. I felt cold all over and then fiery fury. I remember clenching my fists. I dismissed his offer politely but sternly, reminding him, as it had been nothing, that there had been issues between us regarding consent. He didn't seem much bothered by my answer. Later on I learned he was telling people he had gone abroad to fuck, so I guess my negative wasn't a big deal at the moment. After that night, "He used to rape me” was always on my mind, every single someone mentioned him, I saw a picture of him or he contacted me.

I decided to tell, and only to very few people, and still excusing him, when it was too obvious that I was avoiding him, and when I began to have trouble to trust my sex partners. I stopped excusing him eventually, but I never fully blamed him (not that I blamed myself). Years later, I had another boyfriend and I met a girl through him. We became friends, and at some point she told me she had just met a guy. It was my ex. There were months of debating between telling her or not. I settled for “he’s one for long term relationships”, since she prefered no strings attached. However, as she put it, she fell in love. Time passed, my relationship with the man that had introduced us ended, and so my meetings with her where more sporadic. In one of those, she told me she already knew what he did to me. That he had told her. So he knew why I stopped talking to him.

I talked less and less with this girl, mostly through Facebook. At some point in time he and I exchanged messages. He wanted to talk, I was open to it but in a bad moment so I told him I needed to sort things out first. Never contacted again.

Almost four years ago, she got pregnant. I had assumed, since they’d been together for so long, that what he did to me was an isolated event. I met them to give them a baby shower present. I’d rather have met her alone but I had no time to meet her in Barcelona and she couldn’t drive, so he came along. It was the first time I saw him in years. She left us alone for a while. I asked if the baby was planned. He told me excitedly that it had been a whim after a woman they had just met in a party had told them what a nice couple they were and that they should have children, because some friends of hers had just become parents and it was wonderful. He told me how, when they got home, he picked up a condom an announced it was the last one he was using. He mocked his girlfriend saying “Oh, I don’t know, I don’t know” to that, and told me he said “You know what? I’m not using this one either”. And that night she got pregnant. On my 9 months pregnant friend’s mock-indignant words “This one knocked me up!”. I was horrified. I could not understand how they didn’t see how wrong that was. Never met them again.

Three years ago I saw a picture of the baby doing something cute on Facebook. I hit like without thinking. I had nothing but warm feelings towards the mother. A few days later she wrote a long private message through Facebook saying she needed to cut ties with me because of her baby’s father situation with me. She said I hadn’t wanted to fix things with him when we met last time, and that he came, according to her, so he and I could talk. I was going through a lot: had just lost my job in a project that was practically my creation, had just started managing a store, my husband’s mum was sick with cancer in another town 600 miles away (1000km) and my husband had flown there, and I was left cancelling reservations and calling the guests to our wedding that had been supposed to be in three months from that moment. Less than a week before that message, I had to go to ER because I spent the whole day with tachycardia. So I told her my situation, that I valued her friendship, and I asked to meet later on that month to talk about it. She agreed.

Two days later I was at work, alone, breathing consciously because of my constant anxiety. I got another message from her. It started: “I can’t be friends with someone who thinks my man is a rapist”. I got very angry. I told her I didn’t thought he was, but I knew what he did to me. She talked about it as if it was a lie, when we had both, the three of us actually, existed in a universe where we all agreed it was real. She said he had lost friends because of it. Our common friends that knew what had happened between us had distanced themselves from him, reportedly, because of his new self-centered, party animal, sex-obsessed attitude. I’d had enough. I thought I had it all wrapped up, I ended my day at work and drove to a seaside town to celebrate a friend’s birthday. There, I only told the birthday boy the reason of me changing my mind over attending or not. So, when shit happened, he was the only one who guessed where it came from.

I took my phone out to take a picture of our group, but saw the notifications of audio messages from Facebook Messenger, from my abuser. I walked away to listen to them. I was calm, I assumed he’d be apologising. I opened the first one and it was three seconds of silence and then my name in his voice and his tone was furious. My knees gave up, I leaned against a light post and slid down until I sat on the floor. The next words were “I am very indignant. How can you say I am a rapist?”. Then he proceeded to insult me, blame my father of everything, say I was laughing at real rape victims face, accusing me of having raped him… I fell in hysterics and doubted myself. I thought for a moment it was my fault. Now, the birthday boy was the friend my abuser had banned me from having sex with, and he was also one of the two friends that came to see me at work and told me that my ex was saying we were getting back in three months. The other friend was also there. They both knew and they both, when they finally understood what was going on, prevented me from listening to the rest of the audio messages (and more kept coming), and told me I wasn’t imagining things. They told me it happened and they told me I wasn’t a liar. The panic came and went for a long while. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t look at my friends, more than a half of which didn’t know what happened back then and what was happening now. I ended crying in a friends shoulder saying “I should have strangled him”. This episode kick-started almost 3 years of severe depression and anxiety, unemployment and relationship crisis, from which I’ve been recovering only for the last six or nine months. And, in case you haven’t thought of it, I still was having trouble trusting my sex partner when this happened, so I still needed to reconstruct my identity separated from my sexuality.

Through 8 years of my adult life, this is something that has been following me, that I’ve tried to manage on my own, and that he has had no remorse in bringing back when his life wasn’t going well. After his audio messages, I learnt that he and his girlfriend were swinging with a couple who I had only met once, being friends of a friend. I asked my common friend to not say anything about my relationship to my abuser and she answered “Too late. He told my friend about everything”. I asked, because I wasn’t sure and I didn’t understand. My friend confirmed that “everything” meant he told my friend’s friend he had been my boyfriend and he had raped me repeatedly. I was puzzled and disgusted. It had just been months since the audios, since him denying it. This friend of a friend is now closer to me and my husband, cut ties with him and has never mentioned it to me.

This last indirect connection with him was about three years ago. I live in a small historic village near Barcelona. As far as I know, my past abuser lives in Barcelona and does not know where I live. Yesterday, I was sitting at a cafe’s terrace with my husband and my dog, telling my husband how amazed I was by the response to the Merlin/Arthur drabble being it such an old fandom, when I lifted my head from my phone screen and I saw him, with two more people, in tourist gear. I was wearing big sunglasses, and I stopped talking, hoping he wouldn’t recognise me behind them, but he was looking at me. He looked like he wanted to say hi, and veered towards me. I stammered a bit but kept saying what I was saying to my husband, pointedly looking at my abuser with a very serious face and tone.I waited just for a beat for him to change his mind and stop looking at me, and walk past my table without stopping. I told my husband. He congratulated me on my reaction and offered to get me a second breakfast pastry.

My abuser passed again near our table with his partners, and this time he didn’t glance at us. I had my heart hammering a hole through my ribcage and I was angry that I had not yelled at him, that I had not hit him, that I had not finished it. Then I realised that, although now I am physically and emotionally exhausted, it is because of the sudden trip back and forth in time and the mental exertion it caused since I am bipolar and hence more sensitive to this things. It was not because I am not over him and what he did. I didn’t had to finish it because it had finished already, sometime in the last three years, and I did it just by investing in myself and my loved ones, just by not having my abuser’s ominous presence obscuring it all. Just by speaking up. Just by avoiding hatred and toxicity and choosing healthy affection, honesty and trust.

If it happened to you, or is still happening, say it. Say it to your abuser, to the people who loves you, to those who love them. Tell the authorities, tell as many people as you can. Put space between you and the facts, between you and your abuser. The first person you need to help and save is you. Talk to someone, anyone, but don’t shut it down. Don’t keep it hidden because it rots.

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kgveom · 5 years

Text

friends // jackson [01]

y’all its finally here. i’m finally writing this and getting it out. remember these are all real life events just not with jackson (obviously). as i said before this whole situation is still fairly fresh and close to my heart. it’s gone beyond where it was when i originally started planning this so i have no idea exactly how long it’s going to be. also, as it is based on real events, there’s still plenty going on in real time. i hope y’all stick around to hear this, mostly because it may be my best outlet as a coping mechanism. i’m going to write it regardless.

+ + +

friends // jackson

word count: 2k {not edited}

warnings: mention of drugs and some suggestions of intimacy.

+ + +

You threw your head back on the headrest of the driver’s seat you were sitting it, glancing up at your rear-view mirror. You were heading back from the store that you went to, to pick up medicine for your unruly headache. Glancing back down before the light turned green, you looked at the time. It was close to seven in the evening. You had been battling with yourself all day whether or not you wanted attending an open house for one of your friends that got married. Not just any friend though, one of your ex-boyfriends. You didn’t have a reason or a right to show up, considering you weren’t even invited. His sister told you about a week or two prior, most likely not knowing that you hadn’t been invited. You spent the whole day telling yourself you weren’t going to go, but as you parked your car in front of your house, you decided there was no harm in going and you were likely to go unnoticed anyway since you weren’t even sure who was going to be there.

After taking the medicine you purchased, putting on makeup, fixing up your unwashed hair, and grabbing the closest dress you could find, you were out the door 45 minutes later and heading down the street to the church building where the open house was being held.

Walking into the building, you saw a lot of unfamiliar faces and a few familiar ones in the distance. You stood in a line that didn’t have a clear objective. Beside you were tables of pictures from your friend’s wedding as well as his other sister’s wedding who had gotten married a couple weeks before her brother. You soon realized the line you were standing in was to say hi and hug the new couples and exchange some small talk, which you had zero interest in participating in. Stepping out of line, you looked around the room and quickly spotted the familiar faces you had seen earlier. You hadn’t talked to most of them in years, but standing alone in a room full of people wasn’t anything more than uncomfortable for you. You bee-lined straight to the one person you considered your brother. “Hey,” he smiled, reaching out to you for a hug. “It’s been awhile! Glad you could make it here! How are you doing?”

You shrugged, “I’m doing alright.”

“How’s your boy doing?” he asked.

You smiled at the thought of your boyfriend of a year and a half, “He’s doing good, I think. He’s not great at communicating over email, but I think he’s enjoying Atlanta,” you paused. “I miss him a lot.”

“Two years will go by faster than you think.”

You nodded. Everyone was telling you that. You knew they were trying to reassure you but the more you were reminded of it, the more you longed for it to be over.

Eventually, you found yourself in what seemed to be a mini high school reunion, standing amongst people that didn’t like you, that had no particular feelings toward you, and one person you weren’t very fond of yourself. You quickly grew tired of standing and pulled up a chair beside the group. That was when you were faced with the one person you had hated for years.

“Hey,” he grinned as he said your name. “It’s good to see you again.”

Your chest felt tight for a moment as memories of him flooded in your brain. “Jackson,” you nodded. “Good to see you too,” you smiled as you reminded yourself that your goal while your boyfriend was gone, was to grow and not hold grudges. What a better person to start with than the person you hated for almost six years.

“What have you been up to?” he rubbed his hands together before clasping them, resting his elbows on his knees causing his body to lean forward.

“Just hanging out at the moment. Not going to school and working starts back up in August. Been seeing someone for over a year now,” your hands clasped around your knee.

“Oh, how’s that been?” He rose his eyebrows.

You continued to small talk as you smiled, talking about one of your favorite people. You returned his question and he told you all about his job as a florist and what other things he’s been up to. Before you knew it, he was by your side for the rest of the night.

The group of you escaped to a classroom in the building as you all shared what’s been going on in your lives. You remained mostly silent, listening to the others talk. You still felt a tad out of place.

None of you were aware about how much time had actually passed and before anyone knew, the new husband walked in around 9:40 to tell everyone that they were done cleaning up and it was time to leave.

“Hey, so, we’re all going to meet up somewhere, yeah?” Your friend from earlier, John, had spoke up.

“I’m down,” Kara had spoken up, loudly, before everyone else chimed in.

You sighed as everyone spoke, having every intention to head straight home regardless.

“Sonic? Or where do we want to go?” John turned to talk to everyone as we walked out of the building. “Do we want to go to Jackson’s?”

Everyone chimed their approval again, except Jackson who just kind of went with it.

“I don’t even have a ride back to my place,” Jackson awkwardly laughed.

“I’ll give you one,” John offered, but Jackson anxiously declined.

“You’ll give me a ride, right?” He turned to you. “Please, I don’t want to sit in the car with John again, or have him see my place right now,” he whispered.

Just like that, your plans for the night had completely changed as you agreed to give him a ride. “You’ll have to tell me how to get to your place though,” you grabbed your keys out of your purse. “I’ve never been.”

“Oh, it’s just my parents place. You know, the apartments on the side of the house? I live in one of those.”

You shook your head as the both of you climbed into your seats, “That still doesn’t help me.”

“You know where I live,” he seemed taken aback.

“Not at all, I’ve only been there once.”

He seemed astonished that you’ve never been to his house but reminded him about how much you didn’t like him for the past six years. He agreed that was fair and then started directing you were to go.

Upon walking into his apartment, you were a bit surprised at the scene in front of you. There was a coffee table supporting a dab rig and various other drug paraphernalia below it. “This is why I didn’t want John coming over here,” he walked over, picking up the dab rig, and walked it into his room. “You can sit on the couch, make yourself comfortable.”

“He said he was going to go home and change,” you slipped your hands along the side of your dress as you took a seat.

“That’s what he said,” he walked back into the room. “But he would’ve walked in here and never left and I just don’t want anyone to actually see all of this,” he motioned around the table before going back to cleaning it up. “And I’m sorry you have to.”

“Doesn’t he know though?”

“Just because he knows doesn’t mean I want him to see it all. I don’t want people to think I’m just some drug addict, y/n,” he stated, rather matter of factly. “Would you like a smoothie?”

“A smoothie?”

“Yeah, I’ve got some frozen fruit in the freezer. I’m offering it to you now because once everyone gets here, they’re all going to want one too, but I don’t have enough for everyone.”

“Aren’t you quite the host. What kind of smoothie?” You leaned forward.

It took about 40 minutes before everyone started showing up. You sat next to Jackson on the couch with your smoothie. His arm was around the back of the couch, over your shoulders but not actually touching you. The group of you talked a bit but it seemed like most of it was left back at the church building everyone had come from. Instead, it was agreed that everyone was going to watch Ricky and Morty. You all sat there for about two hours before three of the four people who arrived, decided to leave. The other, Kara, was seemingly asleep on the couch. Leaving just you and Jackson together.

“Thank goodness,” he sighed. “I thought they would never leave,” he closed the door behind them and sat back down next you.

This time, you leaned a little more towards him. The night had felt odd, like there was some type of sexual tension lingering in the air. You had been waiting for it all night. You knew there was no way this night was ending without the two of you kissing. And if you were being honest, it was driving you crazy that he hadn’t yet. The Jackson you knew in high school wouldn’t have waited this long and you were just about ready to accept that it wasn’t happening. This aided you some relief.

You knew you were sending him all the signals that it was okay to. You were now fully leaning against him with his around around you, looking up at him, trying your best to focus on his eyes. That’s when you noticed his gaze switched between your eyes and your lips, and before you knew it, the two of you were tangled at mouth.

Pulling apart, you let out a small laugh, “Thank goodness, you finally did that. I’ve literally been anticipating it all night.”

He laughed too, “Really? I wanted to make sure you were okay with it before I did anything. I needed all the signals before I made any attempt to do anything.”

“What signals?” You furrowed your brows.

“Your body language, your eyes, and your lips. You give off signals that way. Those are the top three. Your eyes being one of the most important.”

Your face twisted again. You knew Jackson would mention stuff like this in high school, but you’ve never talked to him about it.

“Your pupils dilate when you’re aroused.”

You blushed.

“You can’t control that. There’s no need to be embarrassed by it. Now, come here,” he readjusted how he was resting on the couch and opened his arms, inviting you to lay next to him.

The two of you spent the night on the couch talking until you grew tired around three in the morning. The both of you forgot about Kara who was lying on the couch at the other end of it. He had been very adamantly and openly talking about his dislike towards her and you grew anxious at the thought of her hearing all of it. Although you and Kara were no longer friends, you knew her mental state probably wouldn’t be able to handle the things Jackson had said.

Moving to his bedroom, you took some of his clothes he had offered to you, so you didn’t have to wear the dress anymore. The two of you tangled yourself together in the sheets. The two of you continued to talk and heavily kiss, some of his touches caused you to freeze and as a reaction, you corrected his hands and where they traveled to. Time escaped the two of you and the morning sun crept in behind his dark but thin curtains that covered a long, slender window that traced the top of his wall just barely below the ceiling.

You cuddled up to him for a bit before turning your back to him. His arm wrapped around your wasted, pulling you closer to him. By the time the both of you drifted off to sleep, it was 6:30 in the morning.

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themiddlelayer · 5 years

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I tried... I really did.

I tried to get MM to understand just how badly he hurt me last week, but rather than acknowledging it and trying to make amends he brought up a comment I made (that I agree came across as really shitty) and basically used that to justify what happened. He then called me callous and self-centered before shutting down and saying he didn’t want to talk anymore.

I went to bed where I sat awake watching TV for a few hours while he passed out on the couch. At some point, he came to bed but stuck to his side. I couldn’t sleep and around 3:30am I got up and made myself an egg sandwich. I made it like Nomad used to make them and that made me smile.

I stayed on the couch until MM got up around 9am. At that point I got dressed and went to spend the afternoon with Tampa.

We have a marriage counseling appointment tomorrow morning. All I can think is that I can’t stay. I can’t stay in that bed. In that room. I don’t feel safe and it totally sucks. I’ve tried... I’ve been trying... begging MM to get actual therapy for his issues related to his behavior in the bedroom, pleading with him to take better care of himself so I don’t have to worry about the next phone call from the hospital. I can’t make him do the work, and I can’t make him behave any differently. And I can’t allow myself to be treated like this anymore.

He’d made a remark about me seeing Tampa triggering his objectification and fetishizing of me. In the moment I said something to the effect that if that’s what he needed to do to deal with it then fine. He had already slid back into that old habit of checking out in bed and forgetting that I was an actual person with him. I thought that I’d dealt with it this long already so as long as I could have my happy place with Tampa that I could tolerate it. But Tuesday. He came. I cried. My neck still hurts 5 days later. I told him in a letter, that was violence.

I love my life. I love my home. And despite how badly he hurt me, I love my husband. But I have to learn to love ME more. Staying there without him making actual changes... that’s a form of self-harm and I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS!!

Today, Tampa and I went to the mall to just hang out after breakfast and before his float appointment. We were sitting on a bench and he said something about his “hot, red-headed girlfriend.” I smiled and asked what he’d said... he got cheeky and said, “What? Redhead? Hot?” I waited and he said, “Girlfriend?”

I smiled even bigger and said I liked that title. Not 20 minutes later a security guard walked by and asked if he was proposing to me. We both laughed but Tampa said, “Guess he sees the chemistry!”

I figured out what the “thing” is with him... well, the things. He’s always late. And he tells me about all the women who are propositioning him that he’s turning down because he’s so happy with me. He’s not looking for anyone else. I’ve told him that I know I’m bad at poly and sharing, and he said that he’d never ask anything of me that he knows I’m not okay with. SWOON!

I didn’t want to tell him about things with me and MM, but I gave him the head’s up that things aren’t going well here and that we’ve got a marriage counseling appointment in the morning. I also made sure to tell him that whatever is going on at home has nothing to do with him. It’s preexisting issues that have not been addressed properly. MM has a class this week then will be off work completely the following week. Tampa said he’d love for me to come stay the night at his place... that was after the conversation about how important it is to him that he get an updated STI test before we take that step. And that he understands that fluid bonding is another level that we will work towards at whatever pace I’m comfortable with.

I’m realizing that being with Tampa can teach me to be secure in a way. He’s hot. Like seriously hot. And his past is like mine in terms of relationships, sex... the way he’s still friendly with past partners as well as his ex-wife. He has female friends and some of them have asked him about dating and/or hooking up and he’s told me about a lot (all?) of it since we started hanging out. He’s declined offers that most single men wouldn’t turn down because he wants to focus on what he and I are building. And my alarm bells haven’t rung at all. My gut instinct is to trust him. I feel safe with him. I feel like whatever agreements we make, he will honor them and communicate anything that comes up along the way.

Part of my brain is chastising myself for saying all of that ^^^... It’s just NRE! Nobody is this good! He’ll get tired of me once he has me. But that doesn’t feel like the truth. The way he looks at me and smiles. The way we can literally sit for hours talking and just lose track of the time between kisses and stories... That feels more real than anything I’ve felt... ever.

I feel like he sees me as a whole person. I’m just now learning to see MYSELF as a whole person worthy of that kind of love.

The Mad Scientist woke that part of me when he used my name in bed. Nomad took it further with how he treated me, in the good moments. Tampa calls me “Baby” and grabs my ass, but for every time he does that he’s called me beautiful, smart, amazing... ten times over.

When we parted ways today he said that he knew I’d object but that I’m PERFECT. I bit my lip and just leaned into his chest as he continued saying that I make him really happy. I challenge him. He learns so much every time we talk.

I’m simultaneously feeling so happy, so amazed, so... oooey gooey but also feeling devastated and terrified of my home truly falling apart. MM is my family. He is my partner. He has been my whole world for so long that I can’t imagine not being his wife. But I know that I’m not safe with him and if I continue to let him treat me like he does it will only get worse. That’s what this has taught me. I tolerated being treated like an object for too long and when I demanded better, he obliged just long enough for me to come back before falling right back into the place of forgetting that I’m a person.

I made a shitty remark and instead of talking to me about it, MM just let it spin him up and used that to justify his actions. I will own my part of that, but the rest is on him and I refuse to be blamed for his issues.

Marriage counseling is tomorrow morning then Cookie is coming over to help me move. I see my therapist Tuesday and I’ve got a lunch date with Grey’s wife Wednesday. We are going to play with makeup for Cookie’s upcoming wedding. I also booked a TRE session for Thursday. I’ve been doing them at home but need a refresher of the process.

I’ve got this. I will be okay. I have people that care about me. And I have a BOYFRIEND!

#one step forward three steps back #Tampa #Nomad #I am worthy of love #I deserve more

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pokefanbri · 3 years

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I got in touch with my 1st love a couple months ago..hes a half native American & white dude, pretty pudgy now like triple the size of himself in middle school lol. Doesn't have much time left on this earth I feel for him, im glad I know now cause if I hadn't it probably would've been alot more devastating. Doesnt have to wear a mask cuz really whats the point. We met for coffee, got to hang out at the mall & he visited my work, we did talk & clear the air..got some things out that were left unsaid & i gotta say it really did help & we're better for it 😊 we're now cool & no hard feelings.

We used to be on & off in hs but the last time I broke it off with him for good reasons & also due to my mother 😒 If it weren't for him & our own experiences, & then every guy since...I would've have known how much I really love or attached I can be to someone (which has been all of them really but does disintegrate over time & going into new relationships they become just a distant memory as the yrs go by & then ur all about the new guy 🤔 basically right) or how unattached I can get when I just dont love them anymore...(of which has only happened twice)

For the record I've had 5 relationships my whole life...not counting flings..out of 2 they broke up with me.. & they so happen to be the ones i fell hard & fast for...its a common theme but they are the best ones I've experienced & I think I have a confirmed type now that I think about it lol. Im thinking too much again, but..they're top tier unforgettable.

I fell damn fucking hard this time around just like I did Thomas..don't think I got enough of him either...😤 seriously wtf is it with these charming & hilarious, headstrong, smart ass, string bean, stoner, Leo men fucking my heart up after only a few months time! What is the universe trying to tell me! I swear to God in another lifetime they would've been friends its an incredible likeness. History repeated itself it seems..I was so in love with him too, we were only 19 but omg he was awesome & we were ALL OVER EACHOTHER 🤤. He was my coworker, a red headed skinny bobblehead tho, & lived in my apt complex his best friend Danny boy did too in his own, hard core Call of Duty players I remember they high jacked my tv for optimum experience...😒 walking the tv across the parking lot was super sketchy looking lol.

Anyway after Thomas broke up with me for saying the L word "too soon" it freaked him out I guess & my brain cracked from the devastation...doctors are convinced it was the weed 😒 and apparently I ODd on Tylenol...crock of bs btw but whatever...i couldn't sleep & for days I was in a haze til I finally called my aunt for help & all of a sudden I was locked away in a psych ward for 2 weeks so they could observe what was wrong & diagnose me. Had to quit pima college & stop working, put everything on hold for my health. After I came back, Tom admitted he wanted me back but he hated my 1st love with a passion. I confessed I was back with my 1st as he was there at my side & visiting..when Tom had no idea where tf I was, me missing worried him sick. I had no clue & for all I knew he forgot about me while I was grieving over us in the hospital (I couldn't have my phone..knew a select few #s by heart otherwise he would've been the 1st I'd call), I was still dazed & super fucked up from the hospital..just outright exhausted when Thomas came to my apartment wanting to try again....yea I messed that up though regretfully. I told him the truth...I know it hurt him, hurt me too. Never saw Thomas again 😔 he was my 2nd, wonder how he is.

After I broke up with my 1st there was like a 1 or 2 month relationship with a fat Irish dude named Patrick I met from college, he insulted my mom..kicked his ass the curb 😂 yea she chased him away too just like my 1st...but an Irish version..was kinda a deadbeat anyway good riddance. I was alone for about 5 years after that til eventually met my ex-husband matt & was with him for technically 7 years & then that ended.

Long story short I was hit with another love bomb over the past year (T2.0 lol) & the fallout is taking forever to disapate lol...well good technically I don't want it to yet lmao, it feels good to love someone with a full heart except for the fact they ain't here 😔

I love genuinely & with a full heart, ive never had a problem with love, except for my abusive mother I sought approval for....never have I been with someone that didnt want it...didn't want me, until him. If someone shows that to me in a relationship it hurts me at the roots, u don't understand how much it brings out that little girl that just wants to be loved back..to be wanted. It hurts to think im not even worth that. I realize though that he may have his own issues to get past first b4 he can learn to give it back & its not my fault. I should on some things honestly but I don't blame him..not anymore. I blame my own trauma that made me so fucking sensitive & off-putting to him, going from 1 relationship to another without healing first, & not knowing how to function walking on eggshells around a new person trying not to piss them off...not knowing how to do a fresh relationship from the start again....when you've been with 1 person prior for 7 yrs.

I grew up being beaten as a kid, I have no father, my mother chose drugs over her own children, everybody in my family arent like a hallmark card far from it...its fucking tucson ok it's a hell hole. A good amount are notorious for causing trouble around the city, nobody talks to eachother..stays away & fends for themselves, or just killing themselves with drugs & selfishly hurting people around them. Very few of us are really trying to make it out & create life for ourselves but it's really hard to escape because we're all struggling. I cry because I've been strong for way too long on my own, I cry when I think im not good enough. Besides some relationships & friendships along the way for support guess who's always taken care of herself to survive, yours truly. It's a huge accomplishment that I've never been homeless, only a couple times have I had to rely on a friend or family member for a roof over my head & that was just 2020-2021,boy is it good to have connections during a pandemic phew, alot more tough to find someone willing to help. My big sis Lisa, my mentor assigned to me at 12 yrs old cuz my mom couldn't be a real parent lol...she says im a strong princess thats gone through hell & back, she's seen me do it countless times, she can attest to how much of a boss & survivor I am...she knows I deserve nothing but to be appreciated,respected, valued. I'm underestimated all the time because apparently people think they can read what kinda person I am just by looking at me or by word of mouth, hell no very doubtful screw u lol... i don't need anybody's belittling opinions of what kind of person I am ok, how about talk to me & ill see if u in the ballpark lol cuz I guarantee im a boss ass goody 2 shoes that can kick butt 😊. So listen here, I know my worth & I deserve a prince to keep me safe from the big bad world right? I need an actual shoulder to cry on not someone that'll walk away when I need them most 😔 Why tf do I feel like rapunzel & all I get is fuckin Flynn 😂 I'm a queen ok, hear me now.

This will be my 3rd own rented apartment. The 1st time I was a teen & imancipated...had that place for a few years 1st & 2nd love era, 2nd time was the escape from my mother as an adult & I moved away eventually got married. And now at another turning point in my life... escaping a very different hell & losing pretty much everything including the man that started it all, 3rd time is the charm right. Fuck my life sidewinder style. Honestly this is the best apartment complex I've found that I want as my home....its gated nothing can touch me from outside unless I say so, so at least im secure to a point.

Why am I talking and not sleeping 😐 I'm tired, it's 5am now. Yeaaaaa I'm done 💤

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hellagaymccree · 6 years

Text

Mistletoe

day three - mistletoe

takes place a year after day two

[more works by me]

-----

They arrive at Los Angeles almost at night in the 23. Gabriel could still have gone to quickly visit his family, but he gave Jesse the excuse that he was tired, but Jesse knew better. He didn’t want to leave his agent alone so quickly, in a town unknown to him. They watched movies and ordered pizza to relax before bed, though Jesse had trouble falling asleep. He kept wondering about the next day, when they will go to Gabriel’s old home and spend the 24 together. They would return on the 25 to spend more time and open presents. Gabriel had brought two bags full of them that rested on a corner.

He turns on his other side, to have a look at Gabe, and his heart flutters when he sees him asleep, facing Jesse on the bed beside his. The cowboy’s gaze traces the curve of his commander’s body, from his shoulder down to his narrowed waits and up his thigh. He focuses on his face, on the little details he can see in the low light. His eyelids look softly closed, and his mouth parted. He breathes with his commander, focuses on how soothing he looks. He can feel his brain relaxing, letting go of the anxiety and his body going numb with every breath until his eyelids feel too heavy to keep open and he drifts asleep.

Jesse regrets coming when they walk around the house, open the fence and Gabriel shouts ‘I’m home!’ Next thing he knows, a stampede of people come over to hug him. First comes an older woman with dark gray hair, wearing a colorful blouse and skirt. Then come a trio of girls, two twins and an older one, Gabriel’s sisters. Suddenly, Jesse feels small and like a burden, someone who’s only there to carry one bag of presents for all these people. He looks back, they won’t even notice if he slips out. He could afford a nice motel for the holidays—

“This must be Jesse!” The older woman says and places her hands on his shoulders. She’s smaller than him, and her eyes hold wisdom, along with a lot of joy that the years brought to her. “Gabriel has talked a lot about you. I’m Clarisa, his mother.”

“Oh, hi,” Jesse responds, a little taken back. “Yes, I’m Jesse McCree. Nice to finally meet ya. Gabriel speaks a lot about you as well.”

“He better,” Clarisa laughs as he kisses Jesse on the cheek. “Girls, this is Gabe’s friend, Jesse!” The three sisters have turned their attention to him and Jesse feels his breath escaping. They’re beautiful, same brown eyes—the oldest has them lighter—and curly dark hair. The twins are wearing long sweaters, one red wine and another aqua blue, and black leggings. The oldest has jeans and an ugly Christmas sweater.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Delilah,” the oldest says.

“Liliana,” the twin with the red sweater says.

“Mariana,” says the other. They’re younger than Gabriel and it shows on their faces. “You must see Gabe’s baby pictures!”

“Forget his baby pictures, we have his teen pictures!” Liliana adds.

“Wasn’t plannin’ on leavin’ without seeing those gems,” Jesse says and looks over at Gabriel, who’s too busy picking up a child to listen. “Is there always this many of ya?”

The girls laugh before Delilah says, “it’s only two; wait until our older cousin comes gets off work. I heard his bringing his husband and ex-wife.”

Jesse raises an eyebrow, “Isn’t that bad?”

“Nah, she’s great! And their son’s adorable! Speaking off—Jordan! Leo!” A man looks over, he’s wearing a matching ugly sweater, and a boy about fifteen years follows, also wearing an ugly sweater. “This is my husband, Jordan, and my son, Leonardo.”

Jesse tips his hat before extending his free hand, “Nice to meet ya. I’m Jesse.”

“Likewise,” the man responds and the nods while he chews on something. “I was about to grab more coquito, would you like some?”

“If it’s not too much trouble,” Jesse answers.

“Not at all, with alcohol?”

Jesse scoffs, “Is there any other way to drink coquito?”

The man sends him a light laugh before leaving, Leo follows and Delilah takes the bag of presents so she can place them under the tree inside the house. Liliana and Mariana grab each of his arms and take him away to meet people. Jesse looks over his shoulder and Gabriel laughs at him as he finger guns him. The twins introduce him to Leliana’s boyfriend and Mariana’s girlfriend, along with their parents. They introduce him to cousins, uncles, aunts and close friends, always as Gabriel’s friend. It’s only when they introduce him to their partners and close friends that they add the ‘special friend’ with a tone that stirs Jesse’s insides.

Halfway, Jordan hands him his cup of coquito and do a quick toast before he’s dragged again when the twins take him to the new people that arrive. He thought he would get to spend this time by Gabriel’s side, but so far they always seem to be at opposite sides of the big backyard, which takes him a while to actually notice every decoration. The trees and bushes are adorned with lights and a few ornaments and ribbons. There are colorful paper lanterns hanging across that will look beautiful in the night, no doubt. Music is always blasting through the speakers and someone always seems to be dancing, as well as eating. There's always food on the tables set out and drinks ready to grab. When he finally can be with Gabriel, the man looks younger, more alive than he has ever seen. He’s always smiling and his eyes twinkling. His laugh reaches Jesse’s ears as loud and clear as the songs playing, and if he could save it in a bottle and drink it later until he was delirious enough, he would ask for nothing more for the rest of his life.

At first, Jesse worries about taking too much food, until Clarisa comes after noticing his shyness and fills a plate for him, he loses the worry and feels comfortable enough to grab something every time he passes by. The twins ask him to dance and he follows gladly, not afraid to show up his moves. After that, he spots Clarisa picking up the empty plates and he hurries to help.

“You don’t have to, cariño,” she says.

“Please, I like to help.”

She smiles, “well, would you mind following me inside? There’s more to bring out.”

“More? Isn’t everyone full yet?”

She laughs and pats his shoulder, “wait until we pull out the pork. These people will look like they haven’t eaten a day in their life.”

Once in the kitchen, she asks him to clean up the plates while she grabs more food to refill them. Once that’s done, he can see more clearly what they’re having: small sandwiches, meatballs, gingerbread cookies, chicken and beef quesadillas, chicken flautas, guacamole with pita chips, chips with spinach dip, chicken wings and blue cheese, mozzarella sticks and bread rolls. Even if he didn’t want to get too full for dinner, his mouth was watering and his hands twitched to grab something.

Clarissa’s laugh brings him back, “See? Go ahead! Call first dibs!” She hands him a plate and he believes denying it will be rude, so he grabs a bit of almost everything and keeps it on a corner of the kitchen island. “Why the cowboy get-up?” She asks while refilling the guacamole bowl and handing him a bag of chips, “Put a few around, please.”

“Will do,” he answers as he pours the chips on plate around the guacamole. “My ma and I used to watch western movies late at night, when she came off work. They were always on at that hour and it stuck with me.”

“She was a doctor, right?” She looks at him and Jesse’s a little surprise. Just how much has Gabe talked about him?

“Y-yeah! One of the best. I use to go to seminars she gave, she was wonderful up on stage.”

“Did you ever wanted to follow in her footsteps?” Clarisa asks as she looks for the quesadillas she kept warm in the oven.

“At some point in my life, then…” He trails off, not really knowing how to follow. Clarisa finishes up placing the quesadillas neatly in a plate and then look at him. Her face changes to worry.

“Perdón, mijo [Sorry, boy], if I asked anything too personal.” She, and her daughters, must also know Jesse speaks Spanish. They’ve said a few lines in the language without worry Jesse might not understand, as if he was someone they talk to everyday.

“Nah, nah, it’s just that after what happened, after the doctors told me they couldn’t save her, I didn’t believe in them anymore.” Her gentle hand touches his arm, and even through the long sleeve shirt, he can feel her energy, almost as if it was his own mother’s touch.

“You let me know if ever ask about a touchy subject, besides, no sad faces today, alright?” She lifts his chin so he can look at her and he can’t help the genuine laugh that escapes him. “Also, you look handsome, never forget the hat!”

“Thanks, ma’am. Yer son helps me keep it, ya know?” He steps away from the counter and lifts one pant leg to show her the beautiful boots he only wears on special occasion so their color remains. “Got me these boots last year.”

“Oh, they’re beautiful!” She leans down to have a better look. “He has good taste in many things.” Jesse raises his leg when she’s about to touch to feel the leather and the carver design before she straightens up. “Including men.” Her smile is wicked before she turns to get the chicken flautas and Jesse’s there with a blank expression before he continues helping out.

“Already got him a slave for you, mamá?” Gabriel’s voice almost startles him, as if he had known they had been talking about him and sneaked past their senses. He approaches his mother and kisses the top of her head.

“It was about time you talked to your mamá,” she says as she rolls her eyes.

“You know how it is. I miss a year of pictures and stories, everyone wants to tell it first.” He looks over at Jesse, “you should be out there, having a good time.”

“What’d ya mean? The real party’s here,” Jesse says.

“He knows who matters in this place, who works hard to make this happen,” Clarisa says in strict voice, but it covers a lot of years of teasing.

Gabriel sighs playfully, “¿Quieres estar afuera y disfrutarte la fiesta? Yo me puedo encargar de esto. [You want to be outside and enjoy the party? I can take care of this.]”

“¡Ay, mi hijo tan bueno! Ya tú sabes como a mí me gusta acomodar todo. ¡Estaré afuera si me necesitan! [Oh, my good son! You already know how I like to prepare everything. I’ll be outside if you need me!]” She pets Jesse’s cheek before she leaves. Jesse watches her leave and laughs before Gabriel joins in and starts preparing the other dishes.

“She loves attending people, but she also deserves the time off.”

“Agree. She’s wonderful, sir.”

Gabriel elbows him, “You know you can call me Gabriel here.”

Jesse nods because he knows, and he has called Gabriel in other moments, moments he shouldn’t because he’s surrounded by other agents or Jack or Ana. Hell, even ‘Gabe’ has escaped his mouth and the older man hasn’t corrected him yet. But here, it feels too intimate, too private even to call him by those names, at least not naturally. It all feels official to something they haven’t even had yet.

“She knew about my ma,” Jesse says after a few seconds of bags, plates and soft noises. “Does she know about my pa, too?”

“Yeah, and she would send a chancla flying to his face if she ever met him,” Gabriel says, either not realizing what Jesse means by pointing it out, or brushing it off.

Jesse decides to act directly, “does she know about other agents’ parents?”

Gabriel remains quiet as he places gingerbread cookies on a plate, but didn’t even flinch when Jesse asked. Maybe he knew what Jesse was implying. ”You’ve grown so much since you joined, Jesse. In many way. You’ve become an important asset to Blackwatch, so yeah, I talk about you to her. About how good you are at taking care of your teammates, how you’ve saved my ass in the last six years even after I yell at you for it.” There’s a glint of gratitude in Gabriel’s eyes and Jesse chuckles. “How you didn’t let your past determine your future and you chose the right side—even if the other was prison—you accepted Blackwatch after you joined. And you let us accept you. You grew from that and became someone you can be proud of in the future, someone I’m happy to bring here.”

“Chucks, Gabe,” Jesse looks down, hiding his blush. “Didn’t expect that.”

“Hey,” Gabriel says and lifts Jesse’s chin, like his mother did, but this touch makes Jesse shiver, makes him follow every moment like a puppet under Gabriel’s control. “It’s time you start expecting good things, Jesse.”

Jesse smiles, and tries to control the warmth running through his body. He looks at Gabriel and thinks it’s the best thing in the world to be on the edge of his fingertips, and by his side on such special occasions that means a lot to him.

“Seems like you guys need help,” Jordan steps into the kitchen, and Gabriel’s hand falls from Jesse’s chin.

“I can take these ahead,” Gabriel says, grabbing one plate on each hand. “Can you help with the rest?”

“Sure,” the man says before Gabriel walks away. When he passes behind Jesse, he teases the cowboy’s hat and laughs before taking two plates. Jesse follows with two more and Gabriel returns until the tables are full again.

That’s when things change. When Jesse places the last plate on the table, and turns around, the twins are there, giggling. He’s about to ask what’s funny when both kiss him at the same time on his cheeks and Liliana asks him to dance again. When the song ends, Mariana’s girlfriend, Mariela, asks to take the next one, but not before also kissing him in the cheek. When they’re done, he retreats to get some water, where a little girl is trying to grab a cookie.

“Let me get that for you, lil lady,” Jesse says and grabs the treat for her. The quiet girl smiles at him before her eyes focus on his hat, which is not new to Jesse, but then she curls her little finger so he leans down. He follows and he thin lips press quickly to his cheek before she hurries off. He takes it as a thank you, before grabbing his cup and continuing mingling with the rest. He’s about to walk towards Gabe when he’s stopped by Clarisa, who wants him to meet the neighbors that just arrive. They’re daughter, who seems to be about Jesse’s age isn’t shy about giving him flirty eyes and he’s sure her lips linger too much on his cheek.

It goes on like this. Two other twins, who he can’t remember who they belong to, kiss his cheeks too. As well as a few other women and younger girls. Even Clarisa does it, one for each cheek. He doesn’t get much time to think it over since they usually dive into conversation after that, or it happens when he doesn’t expect it. If Gabe’s family was this affectionate, why hasn’t it shown through Gabriel? At least in kisses, because they have hugged and grabbed each other’s wrists, along with miscellaneous touches like the one Gabe did earlier, or when he brushed Jesse’s hair after the cowboy got hit in the head—though that happened again one time when Gabriel thought his hair was too long. Yet his hand brushed it with longing, as if he never wanted to let go.

When he sees two plates of food become empty again, he decides to go place them in the kitchen and see if there’s more food to put out. He finds Gabriel in the kitchen, who had the same idea and was filling up the flautas plate again. Though eating them was more like it.

“Don’t let yer ma catch ya,” Jesse jokes as he looks for the guacamole. “Man, yer family is great. They’re like black holes.”

“You’d fit right in,” Gabriel comments and Jesse turns to him. His sees his eyes briefly shift to his hat then back to his eyes.

“When’s dinner?”

“In about an hour, tio’s coming with the pork. We always let him cook it there since there’s less hassle.”

“Need any help?”

“I could use it. I’m usually in charge of setting up the table and getting the sides and the rest of the meal ready.” Gabriel steps closer to him, steady, as if Jesse will run.

“I’m yer guy,” Jesse comments, shifting on his feet when Gabriel steps closer. “It’ll be like last year.”

Gabriel scoffs, and he’s close enough for his breath to brush Jesse’s face. For their chest to almost touch if Jesse breathes too hard, which he’s trying not to do as he keeps his breathing steady, even if he’s lungs are gasping for air and his brain’s spiraling as it starts feeling light. Jesse steps back, knowing the kitchen counter is right there, just to feel trap, just to have an excuse as to why he didn’t stepped away. And he’s glad Gabriel steps closer, his smile growing to something wicked.

Gabriel’s hand goes to Jesse’s hat and pulls something off. When Jesse looks up, he’s holding a mistletoe with a strip of tape. “Do you remember that story I told you about last year?”

Jesse laughs, almost chokes with the knot in his throat. “There was so much happening, but I was stupid not to realize why everyone’s kissin’ me all of a sudden.”

Gabriel chuckles, “Like you need a mistletoe for people to kiss you.”

Jesse’s cocky smile drops, his heart thumps against his bones and his blood runs hot. He swallows hard, and notices clearly how Gabe’s eyes follow the motion, and go up to his lips. Jesse can’t help it, there’s still a devil in him that tells him to lick his lips, and he sees how Gabriel licks his own, before he gazes up at Jesse’s eyes. Jesse takes the dive and wraps his hands around Gabriel’s neck, pulling him to meet him in a kiss. Gabriel breathes deep before he responds and wraps his strong arms around Jesse’s middle. He still pushes Jesse closer to the counter, keeping him there for himself, to devour and drink his breath.

“Seems like you needed it,” Jesse says, almost breathless against Gabe’s mouth.

“Just waiting for the right moment,” Gabriel responds, one of his thumbs drawing circles over Jesse’ shirt. “I think this one’s pretty perfect.”

“Not. Yet,” Jesse says, in a dreamy, almost delirious voice, before he leans forward and kisses Gabriel again. This time, he pushes Gabriel, until the older man’s waits hits the other counter, pushing a plate close at the edge against bottles of species and making them knock against each other. He laughs in the kiss while Gabriel smiles and bites the cowboy’s bottom lip lightly. The action causes a soft moan from Jesse and makes him pull Gabriel towards him, as a sign to do it again, but Gabriel doesn’t, and Jesse knows he does it because he wants to hear Jesse say it, but this isn’t the place to beg.

When everyone’s fed and tired, when everyone but Gabe, Jesse, his mother and the twins leave, and the dishes are cleaned by Gabriel and Jesse, the five of them sit on the couch, after some delicate steps between all the presents pile and littered around the three. It isn’t big, which makes the amount of gifts underneath it look massive. Jesse bets he could build a wall and cover the whole three. The little kid in him wants to read all the names, find how many are for who. He’s sure he can expect one from Gabe since he hadn’t given anything so far. His stomach flips when he thinks about sitting by himself the next day, with one present on his lap while the others keep opening and create an ocean of wrapping paper on the floor. He looks at Gabriel, highlighted by the Christmas lights and colors, and he thinks it’ll be best to worry about that when the time comes.

Jesse was close to Gabriel’s side, hoping it would be enough for the ladies to not notice something was different. He tried to keep everything normal after the kiss, hoping no one could tell they almost made a mess in the kitchen after Gabriel got carried away and lifted him on the counter for a minute or two.

“I never saw you bring up your bags, Gabe,” Clarisa points out, while the twins look almost asleep by her side.

“They’re in a motel close by,” Gabriel responds and his mother gives him a stern look. “I wasn’t going to leave Jesse there by himself.”

“Of course not! Both of you can stay here. The bed in your old room is big enough for both of you.”

Jesse’s eyes widen and he eyes Gabriel quickly, but the man doesn’t look bothered.

“Oh, no! One bed!” Mariana says.

Liliana laughs and adds, “whatever shall they do?!”

#mcreyes #mcreaper #mcreyeswinterbreak #mcreyesevent #mcreyesevents #writingramblings

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buffster · 7 years

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Bachelor Party (ATS 1.07)

This is part of my ongoing Buffyverse Project, where I write notes/meta for every episode in an attempt to better understand the characters and themes of the shows. You can find the BTVS list here and the ATS list here. Gifs are not mine.

Bachelor Party is a backstory episode designed to emotionally prime us for Doyle’s death. We learn about his history and issues and where he needs to go from here--just in time for him to die. I’m kind of amazed Doyle made such an impact on the show and is remembered so well when he had only a few (nine) episodes in the first season. But I personally found him funny and charming...sort of the early Xander to Angel (a comparison Cordy notes as well). He brought some much needed levity from all the drama. That being said, this episode isn’t one of my favorites to rewatch. A lot of early Buffy and Angel relies on the plot surprises for entertainment, which don’t hold up on rewatch.

I love that Angel appeals to the brooding hermit in so many of us introverted types. He just wants to curl up with a book but Doyle is begging him to go play trivia at a sports bar (mostly to distract himself while Cordelia goes on a date).

Doyle: I just can't sit around here while..

Cordelia: While I steal into the night with my incredibly-more-wealthy-then-you prince? Makes your little life seem a tad drab, doesn't it? Doyle: Yeah just because he has money... doesn't mean that he can make you happy.

Cordelia: I'll have you know that Pierce has a lot more than money. He has a house in Montecito, he has a Mercedes CLK 320 and a place in the hills with a lap pool.

Doyle: Since you put it that way.

After Cordelia leaves Doyle conveniently finds a picture of Buffy that Angel keeps to brood over. It’s a promotional shot for Buffy and just looks way out of place. Why would Buffy take this moody-as-hell photo and why would Angel chose it of all options to treasure forever? Wouldn’t you want a nice grin or something? My goodness. I have to wonder how Doyle would have figured out what his vision was about at the end had he not seen it. Aren’t his visions usually more local?

Cordelia’s date doesn’t go as planned. Pierce is boring and when they’re attacked by a vampire he leaves her and runs off. Doyle comes to her rescue, which she can’t help but contrast to her rich date.

Cordelia: So, here I am at Le Petite Renard with Mr. Armani, who could keep me in blue boxes for the rest of my life..

Angel: Blue boxes?

Cordelia: Tiffany's! God! And the whole night I was bored silly. All I could think about was: if this wimp ever saw a monster he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run like a weasel. Turns out the shoe part was giving him to much credit.

Cordelia says she swore she would never date a fixer upper again after Xander Harris, but eventually she decides to go ask Doyle on a coffee date...which is when his wife walks in. She’s getting remarried and needs divorce papers signed. Despite pretending to be annoyed by Doyle for the past few episodes she’s immediately jealous when someone with his affections enters the picture. Harry’s husband-to-be played the demon in Anne on Buffy, a point that always annoys me. Are we supposed to pretend this guy has a really dark backstory? Haha. Anyway he immediately assumes Angel is her ex and seems impressed. Not so much when he sees the real Doyle.

Harry’s return causes Doyle to contemplate how little he’s changed from who he was when they broke up. She’s clearly moved on and healed, but here he is still drinking too much and hating his demon half. But changing is easier said than done. Quick backstory notes: Harry and “Francis” married when they were twenty. They met at a food bank. He had recently gotten his teaching credentials for third grade. When his demon half surfaced (his mom decided to keep things hush hush until it was certain he would have it) it tore him apart and ended their talk of having children. Harry learned to accept it while he became miserable and impossible to live with. Eventually Harry left.

Harry: I even tried to get him to go out--meet other demons. At least go to one mixer, you know? But he couldn’t accept himself--or them. So then he was just angry, and pretty much a bitch to live with.

We also find out that Harry went on to study demons around the world, which is when she met Richard Straley. Unlike Doyle, Richard is happy with his demon self.

Doyle: All that time Harry would go on about what an amazing thing my demon half could be, the worlds that it opened up to us, I thought she was just trying to make me feel better. I thought that she was pitying me. But it was true. I just wasn't listening. You know, Harry didn't leave because of the demon in me-- she left because of me.

Doyle decides to sign the divorce papers and try to let Harry go with grace. But when he’s invited to the Bachelor Party things go wrong as Richard’s family prepares to eat his brains. If Richard eats the ex husband’s brains it’s believed he will bring all of their love into the new marriage along with his own. Once again we get the gotcha, I’m a vampire! trick when the family believes they’ve taken care of Angel but he bounces back fast. Doyle and Angel fight the Straley family until Harry and Cordelia walk in.

Cordelia is protective of Doyle, but ironically hits him over the head in his defense because she doesn’t recognize his demon half. Harry is worried about what this says about her upcoming marriage.

Harry: And since when does your family follow the ancient teachings?

Uncle: We don't flaunt our beliefs, but they're very dear to us.

Harry: Oh, please Uncle John! When is the last time you pried your self away from ESPN long enough to spill the blood of a she-goat?

When they insist on performing the ritual Harry gives her engagement ring back. To be honest, it was a little too convenient that Harry never mentions to Cordelia that Doyle’s a demon.

Harry: One word, Francis, just one word and I'll eat your brains!

Cordelia’s method of comforting others seems to work better with Angel and Doyle than it did with Buffy and her friends--probably because they don’t really want to open up and talk about their feelings. Her dismissal is easier to deal with.

Cordelia: Hi, Doyle. Are you going to become loser-pining guy, like, full-time now? Because you know, we already have one of those around the office.

Angel: Hey!

Doyle: Hey!

Cordelia: He can get away with it. He's tall and - and look at the way clothes hang on him. But you..

Angel: Okay, I think you've cheered us up enough.

Cordelia: You can't live in the past. You got to move on. Let it go. Forget it. Tomorrow is another day. Did I mention letting it go?

Doyle: Twice.

Cordelia: You'll get through this, Doyle. Nice guys don't always finish last.

Doyle: You think I'm a nice guy?

Cordelia: I think it, I say it. That's my way.

Funny that they used the phrase “nice guys finish last”--a sure way to gain the hatred of fandom now days.

The episode ends on a cliffhanger when Doyle has a vision of Buffy in trouble.

Character Notes:

Angel: He grills Cordelia’s date before letting them leave.

#bachelorparty #tracy stern #Allen Francis Doyle #Cordelia chase #angel #Cordelia/Doyle #richard straley #Harriet doyle #doyle/harry

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introvert-dragon · 7 years

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Hiccupy heart (Chapter 1)

Summary: It didn't matter that Hiccup and Astrid used to be best friends, somewhere in grade school and middle school—back when the world used to be fun before everyone hit their growth spurt and he was plus one leg and one mother. Until Hiccup finally got his soul mark; And guess who's name was it? Astrid Hofferson.

Drama/Romance. Hiccstrid. Soul mate AU.

FF.net | Ao3

A/N: Special thanks to @slavicviking for helping me beta the initial draft of the chapter.

I would like to also mention that this story being set in Highschool does not make this a Highschool AU. Also, the story will be focused equally on both Hiccup and Astrid, aiming to be a Man/Woman vs. Self before we finally get to the sweet parts.

Without further delay.

For the umpteenth time, Hiccup found himself staring at the name imprinted on his left forearm; Hiccup still couldn't believe his luck.

Astrid Hofferson

To answer his own questions of disbelief—Yes. Astrid Hofferson was his soul mate, unless, the gods decided to play a cruel prank on him, only to replace the dimly glowing blue runes on his left forearm with Astrid's complete name on it with Mildew the following morning.

It was still Astrid Hofferson.

Ha! Hiccup called it, he always had this sort of indescribable 'Pull' he felt with Astrid. It was like when he would as much as breathe the same air as Astrid—he would feel like oxygen was overrated.

As if Hiccup wasn't lucky enough. He was also going to be a father! By the way, did he mention that Astrid was going to be the mother?

Okay, that sounded all wrong—and please don't tell Astrid! She would murder him. Also, if you could try not to mention it to her muscle-head boyfriend either—who would soon be her ex once Hiccup had shown Astrid his soul mark.

It was just a stupid economics project. No sexual intercourse; therefore, no one was actually pregnant and definitely nothing was going on between Hiccup and Astrid. After all, he was, well, Hiccup and she was Astrid—you get the idea. She was the same girl who wouldn't approach him even if she were on fire and he was holding the last bucket of water.

Unfortunately for her and luckily for him, this project was not about the worlds' water supply. The project was about being a fake married couple that was to manage a theoretical household and take care of a flour baby. Despite that, Hiccup was a hundred percent sure that he wasn't on the top of Astrid's list of potential fake husbands for a fake happily-ever-after scenario.

But Ma'am Ack's random pairing generator couldn't care less who's holding the last bucket of water on Earth. Unless, you have your soul mark, which he just had now, you were not exempted from the random pairing system as mandated by the law.

The whole soul mate thing didn’t really exist until year 1980s. Apparently, It was a Millennial only thing, even then, not everyone would be fortunate to be 'gifted by the gods' and having a soul mark was still considered to be very new. So the government mandated some laws that encouraged people to have lives beyond soul mates, and the random pairing system for academics was one of them.

But Hiccup was busy staring at his soul mark (for like… the whole day), instead of paying attention to the class. And after he was done staring at it, he would blink his eyes and proceed to stare at it again, and again... and again.

He just heard Ma'am Ack loudly announcing his horrendous name next to Astrid's beautiful one.

He was confused for a moment until he looked forward and saw 'Economics Project - Documentation' and '40% of the grade' in the slideshow. He realized it was the dreaded 'Fake Parent' and 'Flour Baby' thing every senior student had been dreading ever since the beginning of the school year.

He almost jumped on top of his table and cried in victory. Thankfully, he managed to contain himself—he wasn't that bold.

Murmurs and hushed whispers filled the classroom as the other students looked around in confusion. A few "who the heck is Hiccup Haddock"s and mentions of "how lucky he was" echoed as the classmates discussed the announcement among each other.

Their reaction was, basically, a confirmation from everyone how much his non-existent high school life sucked ass. It was not like he didn't have any friends, it was just his social status when compared to Astrid's, it was a matter of Valhalla and Helheim. But he couldn't care less what his classmates thought. After all, it was HIM who was not only paired with the hottest girl in school but, also soul mates with her—not them.

Hiccup waited for far too long for something this cliché to finally happen to him. Eighteen long years of his life, he finally got his soul mark and found his soul mate. And to think that she was always so close to him.

All he had to do now was say hi to her, but when he was about to, there was something about her expression that kept him rooted in place.

There was something about scowl on her beautiful face, trying not to show even the slightest bit of recognition upon hearing his name... or maybe she just didn't care – at least he hoped, which wasn't much better. He didn't know which one he preferred to be honest.

There was no mistaking it, Hiccup recognized that look on her face.

She always knew

—and he didn't dare think what followed the thought: She always knew (and she didn't want it... She didn't want to be your soul mate.)

It didn't matter that Hiccup and Astrid used to be best friends, somewhere in grade school and middle school—back when the world used to be fun before everyone hit their growth spurt and he was plus one leg and one mother.

Hiccup still hadn't figured out what happened to their friendship. Astrid started distancing herself from him. He didn't dare to try and decipher what was going on with the girls' mind. He'd heard enough stories from both Gobber and his father about the horrors of it.

Hiccup was a good friend and Astrid was his best friend (also, not so secretly, a crush). He decided he would just give her some space and in no time they'd get back to hanging out in their clubhouse.

He waited and… waited some more.

It didn't happen.

Now he understood.

She always knew.

But now... Hiccup felt so stupid. Even though he didn't pick the person he fell-in-love with, his heart did; ever since the day they exchanged lollipop rings and made a pinky promise to get married when they grew up. They were Eight then.

Hiccup always had this irrational, unrequited crush on Astrid, him clinging to some semblance of hope that maybe—just maybe—there was a chance, as slim as it was. All he hoped for was that she would at least acknowledge him—even if it was only for old times' sake. He also hoped that fate would take over thing from there for Hiccup. Astrid would realize that she was dating the wrong guy all along. And then he, Hiccup, her soul mate, would come —her one-legged knight with his shiny, metal leg.

She always knew.

Years of watching Astrid Hofferson from the sidelines, like puzzle pieces, flashes of images started flowing in his mind.

(Why she always had a bandage on her left forearm, the very same spot as his soul mark.

Or how venomous she glares at her watch every time she checked the time. It wasn't about the time, after all, it was about his name etched on her skin.)

A mixture of irrational, red emotions erupted inside him, fully burning him. There was a throbbing sensation followed by a sudden sharp hissing pain, on his left forearm, as if he felt lava leaked from his volcanic emotions dripping at his soul mark.

Deeply-rooted in his ever-so-hopeless-hiccupy-heart; a stubborn, dark thought he strongly refused to acknowledge finally crept up on him.

(It was just a stupid childhood friendship, She will never look back at you. She will never love you. Why would she? You're a 'hiccup' after all.)

She always knew

—and he should have known better.

To his surprise, Hiccup just sighed; maybe his father was right, as much as he hated to admit it. His brain was definitely under siege and he needed to stop being ... all that. He mentally gestured all of himself.

Hiccup was eighteen- enough with fantasies and time for him to grow up and face reality. Maybe it was time for him to give up on his quest of asking Astrid Hofferson to be his prom date, and maybe listen to his father's wishes of him enrolling a 'Real Degree Program' in an 'Actual University' for a start.

The bell rang, signaling that the economics class was over. Hiccup didn't feel like talking to Astrid about being paired in the project anymore. He, in his mind, did the two of them a favor and simply left the room unlike the rest of the class who stayed to talk with their partners for the project.

He could work on the project all by himself if he wanted too if allowed to, why not? He was a straight A+ student and graduating as the valedictorian was pretty much in his bag. If anyone would be qualified to finish a pair project alone, it would be him.

If ever, he was sure Astrid probably could do the same without even bothering with his input and opinion. Why wouldn't she? She was Astrid Hofferson, Hiccup thought bitterly. It was probably for the best if that happened.

Of all the possible outcomes that he fantasized, daydreamed for a million times about Astrid being his Soulmate for his whole life, which all of them involved that magical spark and click when their eyes finally met; this certainly was not the outcome he would expect—one where he would be the one to walk away.

Surprisingly, he found the idea very comforting. He actually felt better missing his once in a lifetime chance to talk with Astrid Hofferson. Just before the day started, Hiccup would die a happy knowing Astrid was his soul mate.

But now, He felt like letting go of a half-a-weight he'd always burdened. He may or may not ever feel the completely weightless feeling or 'feels like flying' sensation being with his soul mate. If his other half didn't want anything to do with him, then so be it. He wasn't going to be defined by his stupid attraction to his soul mate anymore.

For the first time in a very long time, Hiccup found himself smiling freely. Not his usual sarcastic self-deprecating smile. A real, genuine one.

It was from that moment that Hiccup's life would finally start to turn around for better or worse.

If he only knew that a certain blonde was watching him that exact moment.

As if Hiccup wasn't lucky enough. He was also going to be a father! By the way, did he mention that Astrid was going to be the mother?

He just heard Ma'am Ack loudly announcing his horrendous name next to Astrid's beautiful one.

He almost jumped on top of his table and cried in victory. Thankfully, he managed to contain himself—he wasn't that bold.

All he had to do now was say hi to her, but when he was about to, there was something about her expression that kept him rooted in place.

There was no mistaking it, Hiccup recognized that look on her face.

She always knew

—and he didn't dare think what followed the thought: She always knew (and she didn't want it... She didn't want to be your soul mate.)

He waited and… waited some more.

It didn't happen.

Now he understood.

She always knew.

Years of watching Astrid Hofferson from the sidelines, like puzzle pieces, flashes of images started flowing in his mind.

(Why she always had a bandage on her left forearm, the very same spot as his soul mark.

Or how venomous she glares at her watch every time she checked the time. It wasn't about the time, after all, it was about his name etched on her skin.)

Deeply-rooted in his ever-so-hopeless-hiccupy-heart; a stubborn, dark thought he strongly refused to acknowledge finally crept up on him.

(It was just a stupid childhood friendship, She will never look back at you. She will never love you. Why would she? You're a 'hiccup' after all.)

She always knew

—and he should have known better.

For the first time in a very long time, Hiccup found himself smiling freely. Not his usual sarcastic self-deprecating smile. A real, genuine one.

It was from that moment that Hiccup's life would finally start to turn around for better or worse.

If he only knew that a certain blonde was watching him that exact moment.

#httyd #hiccstrid #hiccup #astrid #httyd fanfic #httyd fanfiction #my writing #modern au #soulmate au

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boystownbirdie · 7 years

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NEW PHONE WHO DIS?

Are you an inexperienced or inconsistent Game of Thrones viewer? Are you not quite sure who all of these people are and why you should care about them or their hairstyles? I present to you… New Phone, Who Dis? A guide to the major characters of Game of Thrones, season 7, brought to you by the same blerg that brought you, LET ME WATCH TV 4 U?

For each character we’ll be answering the following questions: WHO DIS? Who are their still-alive allies (best budz)? Will he/she win the game of thrones? Will he/she survive the next 11 episodes? I’ll start with a quick n’ dirty guide to the big 3 families and then get into individuals…

Before we start, SPOILER ALERT, OBVI. Let’s go!

The Starks

Members: Mom (Catelyn) and Dad (Ned) are both dead, so you don’t need to know much about them except that Ned died at the end of season 1 and Catelyn died at that “red wedding” people are always talking about. They had 5 kids: Robb (also died at the red wedding), Sansa (alive!), Arya (also alive!), Bran (wow also alive!), and Rickon (RIP). There’s also Jon Snow aka Bae who was raised as “Ned Stark’s bastard” but was recently confirmed to be the son of Ned’s sister Lyanna and Rhaegar Targaryen, so he’s actually Ned’s nephew and is a sort of Stark-Targaryen mix. For ease of reading, I’ll refer to him as Ned’s son for the rest of this post since this is knowledge that you and I and Bran have but Bae doesn’t even know yet.

Hobbies: Giant wolves, talking about winter, suppressing their feelings, following the rules, dying and coming back to life (well mostly just Bae), living at Winterfell (their home base)

The Lannisters

Members: At this point it’s just 3 adult siblings and get this, THEY’RE ALL ALIVE. Which is truly shocking. There’s Cersei (aka Queen Pixie Cut or QPC), her twin bro/lover Jaime, and their little bro Tyrion (who, despite his heritage is definitely not #teamLannister). QPC and her bro pro-created and had 3 kids together, that she pretended to be the children of her hubby, King Robert Baratheon. Sadly her kids and former hubby are all no longer with us.

Hobbies: Incest, drinking wine, lions I guess?, being rich, killing people who threaten to reveal their secrets or get in their way

The Targaryens

Members: Daenerys (aka Khaleesi) is the only real, legit one who is still alive THAT WE KNOW OF. Jon Snow (Bae) is technically her brother’s son and therefore a Targaryen but he doesn’t know that yet. The only other legit Targaryen we met in the series was her brother Viserys who was THE WORST and got his face burned off.

Hobbies: Dragons, fire, being in-flammable (is that a word?), traditionally they were also into incest but Khaleesi hasn’t gotten into that yet

***Important takeaway: At this point, most of the characters are either #teamBae (Stark), #teamQPC (Lannister), or #teamKhaleesi (Targaryen)**

Now let’s jump into our characters!

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Jon Snow aka Bae aka King of the North aka (former) High Commander of the Nightswatch aka Lord Snow/ King Crow/ The White Wolf. He is famously moody but he is a legit kind, respectful, and open-minded person who is a skilled warrior. He also was stabbed to death by a bunch of his friends at the celibacy-training-academy but then came back to life when an evil witch lady did a spell, TG. Follow up Q- Why is he “Bae?” Because look at that face, duh. But also he is generally pretty #woke and v sensual, esp in season 3 when he meets his lover and breaks his vows of celibacy to tap dat. Said lover famously repeats the phrase “you know nothing, Jon Snow,” but turns out HE DOES KNOW SOME STUFF. Talkin’ bout sex stuff.

Best budz? His besties are Sam, currently studying to be a maester (doctor/historian/librarian/bed-pan-cleaner) and his giant wolf named Ghost. He’s also got his half-sis Sansa on his side as well as No-Knuckles (a nice old dude with some leadership experience), Lady Mormont (the most badass 11 year old you’ve ever met), and a bunch of other “Great Northern Houses” who proclaimed him King of the North. He’s also pals with a bunch of “wildlings” who are people who were born North of the ice wall as well as the current “Nightswatch” dudes who he left in charge when he headed to Winterfell.

Will he win the game of thrones? Maybe? He’s the only current leader who seems as concerned as he should be about the white walkers (giant army of ice zombies who are LOVING this winter weather). Plus he’s a decent guy (chill dude, likes to hang out) AND he’s got that Targaryen and Stark background so he’s got some legit claims to the throne.

Will he survive the next 11 episodes? I think yes. Again, he already died and came back to life so I doubt that will happen again.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Sansa Stark, current Queen of Winterfell (I guess?) former fiancee of Joffrey (now dead), former wife of Tyrion, former wife of Ramsay Bolton (he was evil and she had his dogs eat him) and second oldest legit Stark kid. She used to be obsessed with #fashun and Joffrey but then he turned out to be insane in the membrane and she’s spent the past 5 years being tortured, raped, and traded around by dudes until she reunited with her half-bro, Bae. Now she is much more practical and less trusting and as we’ve seen in the past 2 eps, not always on the same page with Bae.

Best budz? Brienne of Tarth aka Ladyknight is sworn to protect her, as is her squire, Pod. She was pals with Theon (previously-traumatized Theon) because he helped her escape evil Ramsay and I guess she’s friends with Littlefinger who is one of the said dudes who’s been trading her around. Littlefinger is apparently in lurve with her but also WAY OLDER and also used to be in lurve with her mom which is super creepy.

Will she win the game of thrones? Unlikely. She doesn’t really seem to want to be in charge of anything at the moment, but that could change.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Doubt it. She’s already been through a lot and while I’d love to see her happy and safe and living her #bestlife, I kind of doubt she will survive to the end because she’s been hangin’ by a thread for awhile.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Arya Stark aka “A Girl” aka Arry aka former intern at the face-swapping-assassin-training academy turned rogue assassin. She recently reconnected with her roots and it seems like she’ll be heading home to see her sis and half-bro in Winterfell. She’s a skilled swords-woman and has never been into anything traditionally feminine. She was briefly blind and before that was a captive of “The Hound” who hoped to trade her for some $$ but ended up escaping from him. Most recently, she killed Walder Frey (a powerful old dude who was pals with the Lannisters) and then poisoned like 100 of his friends and family.

Best budz? Before they were separated, she and Bae were very close (not in an incest way, tho) and she has a friend named Hot Pie who’s a great local chef #eatlocal. She and her sis Sansa were never very close because of their vast differences, but I’m pretty sure they’ll be happy to see one another alive. She made friends with this dude Gendry who is secretly the bastard son of Cersei’s ex-hubby but she hasn’t seen him in awhile.

Will she win the game of thrones? Doubtful. Again, she’s showed no ambition to lead but has shown great skill as a fighter. My guess is she will end up as a knight or some other type of warrior/fighter/guardian.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? I’m gonna say yes. She is VERY HARD TO KILL even for trained assassins.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Bran Stark aka the NEW AND IMPROVED three-eyed-raven, youngest living Stark kid (presumed dead by many), paraplegic but what he lacks in mobility he makes up for in ability to see into and affect events in the past and enter the brains of animals and other humans. He’s been up North of the ice-wall for awhile but as of season 7 ep 1, is safe with the nightswatch at the wall and likely headed to see his fam at Winterfell. He’s the only person (that we know of) who knows the truth about Bae’s parentage.

Best budz? His best bud is Meera, a very badass chick who helps him get around/survive. He also met and be-friended Bae’s friend Sam a few seasons ago and also briefly reunited with his uncle who is now some sort of ice-zombie-human-hybrid who helped him and Meera survive up North.

Will he win the game of thrones? Naw. More than likely he’ll be important in the war against the ice-zombies since he has tons of experience with them, but he’s unlikely to lead.

Will he survive the next 11 episodes? I think so. Again, his ability to see and potentially affect past events will be super important so I’m thinking people will continue to work hard to protect him.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Tyrion Lannister aka the Imp aka Hand of Queen to Daenerys Targaryen (aka Khaleesi) aka former husband to Sansa Stark, former lover of Shae, former Hand of the King to Joffrey. He loves to drink and read books so he knows a lot of shit but also can be a sloppy, cynical mess. He hates his sister (the feeling is mutual) but has some amount of love and respect for his brother, Jamie. He was in love with Shae but she betrayed him and got with his dad so he killed them both. In his defense, they testified against him which led him to be sentenced to death. After that he left Lannister-life behind to meet up with Khaleesi and co. He’s been able to show off his strategizing-skills as well as knowledge of military maneuvers in his current role.

Best budz? He’s friends with Khaleesi and her crew, as well as this dude Varys (aka Sleevey) who brought him to Khaleesi in the first place. Again, he and his bro Jamie have a complicated relationship but in the past they’ve gotten along. He’s also friends with this dude named Bronn, who, last we checked was working for Jamie. And there’s his former squire, Pod, now works for Ladyknight and famously saved his life during an important battle.

Will he win the game of thrones? He really could. He’s shown great leadership skills and the ability to learn from past mistakes. He’s not too idealistic or unwilling to compromise which are also important in this world.

Will he survive the next 11 episodes? I’m gonna say yes. He’s an important character since he’s a Lannister who is #teamKhaleesi and who has befriended 2 of the Stark peeps, meaning he’s a bridge between these 3 warring groups. I’d bet on him lasting until the end.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Cersei Lannister aka Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC aka Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and current sitter on the “Iron Throne” which is what everyone is always jones-ing to sit on. She recently blew up an entire church full of people (and probably most people within a ½ mile radius too) because they were gettin’ on her nerds. She is intelligent but cruel and recently got a terrible haircut against her will and had to walk naked through the streets. She used to have 3 kids: Joffrey who was also cruel and was poisoned (she blamed Tyrion but it was actually Littlefinger and Grandma Tyrell’s fauly), Myrcella who was nice but also got poisoned (this time by the Sand Snakes/ Dornish Queen lady) and Tommen who jumped out a window after the church explosion.

Best budz? Her bro/lover Jaime is pretty much her bestie and the only person she can really trust at this point. She also likes the current “Maester” who notably is into human experimentation and brought back “The Mountain” (a giant bodyguard/fighter dude who is The Hound’s brother) from the dead a few seasons ago. Now he is basically a giant zombie-hybrid and she likes him too because he kills and tortures people for her.

Will she win the game of thrones? Doubtful. She went to this fortune-teller-lady when she was young that said she’d have 3 kids who would all die young (which came true) and that she’d be overthrown by a younger and more beautiful queen and be killed by her younger brother. Most people think that this younger hawtie kween is Khaleesi but fortunes can be wrong!

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Again, doubtful due to the prophecy. If it’s true, either Jaime or Tyrion (since both are technically younger than her) could kill her in the next 11 eps. Tyrion is the more likely candidate but who knows! (George RRRRR Martin, that’s who )

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Ser Jaime Lannister aka The Kingslayer aka Oathbreaker aka QPC’s brother/lover aka the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. He’s a tricky character since he loves his sister a lot but also seems to have a stronger grip on reality. He is a great fighter but got a hand chopped off in like season 2 and has been a embarrassed about it ever since. He’s the de facto leader of the Lannister army and has shown great skill in battle and manipulation of his enemy. He famously killed the “Mad King” by stabbing him in the back, earning the kingslayer/oathbreaker nicknames.

Best budz? His sister, obvi. And he has been a fan of his brother in the past although right now they’re on opposite sides. He also got set up with Bronn on a friend-date by his bro Tyrion. He and Brienne (aka Ladyknight) are also one of the many #unlikelyfriendships the show has had and she’s now #teamStark.

Will he win the game of thrones? Probably not. He doesn’t really seem to have any leadership ambition, so I’d say no. He may be standing next to whoever wins, though.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Probably. He’s hard to kill and has connections to each of the warring factions at this point. I can see him turning on his sis and changing sides which would make him an asset and therefore likely to #stayalive #hamilton.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Daenerys Targaryen aka Khaleesi aka Myhssa aka The Unburnt aka Mother of Dragons aka Breaker of Chains aka Queen of Mereen aka Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and Heir to the Iron Throne. Her dad was called “the Mad King” because he loved to burn people alive (just like QPC!) and she was shipped to the east part of the world right after she was born so she wouldn’t get killed by the Lannisters and Co. She’s spent the last 6 seasons working her way across the eastern continent, first marrying a hawtie horse-king dude who later died from an infected wound, having a stillborn son with him, and then she “gave birth” to 3 dragons at the end of season 1. I know what you’re thinking, PEOPLE CAN’T BIRTH DRAGONS. True. Basically she had 3 petrified dragon eggs and after the loss of her husband and child, she walked into a great funeral pyre and came out later with 3 bb dragons who came from those petrified eggs. She cannot be burned by fire at all, which is pretty kewl. She also set free thousands of slaves and then ruled a kingdom out east called Mereen for awhile. Now she is finally back in the West after all this time to reclaim the throne. She is very intelligent, fierce, but also thoughtful and well-loved.

Best budz? Her translator/bestie is Missandei with the good hair. She’s also pals with Tyrion (who is her “hand” or basically Vice President), Greyworm (the leader of this army of soldiers who she set free but who decided to keep being loyal to her anyway), Grandma Tyrell (whose family got burned up in QPC’s fire last season), Previously-Traumatized Theon and his sister Yara (who is the leader of the Greyjoy fleet of ships), the Sand Queen lady (Queen of Dorne/ mother of the “sand snakes”), Sleevey (Varys- an advisor who used to work for the Lannisters but defected) and last but not least, her old pal Stoney who is currently getting amateur surgery for stoney-skin-disease by Sam (Bae’s bestie). PHEW. She’s got a lot of pals.

Will she win the game of thrones? MAYBE? She would be a great leader and has overcome every obstacle thus far. But if George RRRR Martin has taught us anything, it’s that #youcantalwaysgetwhatyouwant and also no one is immortal, really. But she’s got a good chance.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Probably! Again, she can’t be killed by fire and she’s got a lot of people around her who would do anything to protect her.

Those are all of our major characters! I could do a supporting-cast character breakdown if that would be helpful, just let me know. Thanks for reading and tell your friends!!

#lmwtv4u #got #gameofthrones #khaleesi #jonsnow #sansastark #branstark #aryastark #cersei lannister #jaime lannister #tyrion lannister #gots7

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sorayahigashikata · 5 years

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Chapter 62: "No Means No 2: Patriotic Boogaloo"

#Paula reads SBR #Chapter 62 #the grossness continues #also how do you get pregnant with a head?#...#HOORAY VIOLENCE #Erina 2.0 has a body count #which is cool #but I think I like the OG Kars a little better #Magenta was somewhat entertaining and somewhat attractive #but he just didn't have that pillar swag #Steel Ball run spoilers #Part 7 spoilers

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furiousharmonykryptonite-blog1 · 6 years

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What insurance is available for those who are between ages 18-24 and can’t qualify for Medicaid?

"What insurance is available for those who are between ages 18-24 and can't qualify for Medicaid?

For the record, I am low-income in the state of California. Need some help pretty soon..

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Im 17( i know im about to get a bunch of your going to kill yourself! AHHHH!!!! i regularly drive my dads 05 mustang gt, i know how to responsibly control power) and me and my parents have found a great deal on a 2002 impreza sedan, it has 125k miles on it, and the last thing deciding factor before buying this vehicle is the insurance. We already have a mustang gt on the family plan, i live in VA, make all A's(supposed to give me a 30% discount), im male, the color is blue, with only a greddy bov aftermaket part installed. The car itself is blue, it is the turbod WRX version(not the sti), and has never been wrecked. We have state farm, im not sure as to what other information anyone would need to know, but im jusst looking for a rough estimate, thanks for any input.""

How do I find out who insures a store?

I know its private and you can't find this out and the owner doesn't have to tell you. Although there is a safety hazard when I go into this store and I don't want to get hurt and have to sue...I don't want it to get down to that...I want to let they're insurance company know. This really concerns me how you can contact somebody's insurance company... Is there anybody else I can report to?

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I can't afford my car insurance...?

I need transportation so I can work. But why should I have to choose between car insurance or food and medicine? Shouldn't the Government come up with a single payer plan for automotive insurance too! Its not fair that I have to pay for this out of my own pocket.

I just found out i'm pregnant with no insurance?

I just found out I'm pregnant and don't have insurance. I live in California near the Los Angeles/ Orange County line. I am trying to find out if there are any free/low cost clinics I can go to to get checked out? Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Can I afford to get pregnant?

My husband and I are both in school and working part time. We currently don't have health insurance because we can't get it through our jobs and can't afford any outside insurance. We really want to have a baby, but are worried about paying for all of the pre/postnatal care. Is there a way to get help without putting us in tons of debt?""

How much are the costs of sports cars?

what are the costs (insurance and maintenance) of having the Lamborghini LP560-4 and Audi R8, and say if i baby it and not rip it every second""

""How much could be the average insurance for a SMART car in Germany, Freiburg?""

I want to buy a used car, from 2002 or something like that. I need a small car, like Smart For Two.""

Is there a good site to compare the insurance rates of different cars?

I'm looking at cars for my son (who just turned 16) and would like to see which cars are best in terms of insurance rates without going through the process of getting a quote for each car.

The car dealer i bought my car from is saying i need my own insurance policy instead of being covered....?

Im a covered driver under my parents insurance policy. I pay for full coverage myself. I just financed a new car all by myself (my Parents arent on the loan or on my new registration). The car dealership is giving me such a hard time about my insurance, theyre saying im not insured, only my parents are, and i would either need to get my own policy (which would be a lot more expensive) or add one of my parents to the registration/loan. Neither my parents, our auto insurer, or i understand why this is the case. Can you explain This? is the car dealership right??""

Is it good to shop around and change car insurance every 6 months. In order to always pay the lowest?

Does that look bad in your records, credit, financial history etc? Example..... This bastard is always changing car insurances every couple of months.""

Is a Kawasaki ninja 250 or a Kawasaki KLR650 cheaper insurance?

I'm looking for a first bike, I am 16 years old, 150LBS, 5'11''. Money is an issue so I will be getting maybe an 08 ninja or an older duel sport bike. Anybody have any estimates and anybody have any suggestions? I will only have about $3000 to spend. I am looking for liability insurance.""

Insurance question for monthly cost for 2 people.?

Does anyone have a ballpark idea of what an insurance plan would cost (monthly) for 2 people in their early 60's?

Non-owner car insurance?

Where can I get non-owner liability car insurance for myself? I am 18 years old and my dad wants me to get this insurance because I don't own a car, I just drive my parents cars. I can find it on any insurance websites. Links would be nice =]""

Since the passage of The Affordable Care Act (0bamacare) how much have your health insurance rates gone down?

How much more affordable is your health care ?

Is car insurance more expensive when your on a provisional and can i get it for a few months only?

im learning to drive soon and am buying a car to practise in with my friend who can drive for over 3 years. but im confused about insurance. will it cost me more? and will i have to upgrade it once i pass my test? i might only be on the provisional for a few months.

What restrictions do i have with my motorcycle permit in California?

What can I do now that I have my motorcycle permit? I'm living in California (also an CA permit, fyi), and I'm not sure if I'm now able to ride on my own, when i'm able to ride etc. I've heard that I need someone over 21 'supervising'. Does anyone know if there's a penalty for not riding with an over-21 adult? Also, insurance-wise, what do I need to do once I buy my motorbike?""

What is best health insurance for a 43 yrs old male single ?

not to expensive health insurance .

Whats the cheepest car on insurance for a 17 year old and how much?

whats the cheepest car on insurance for a 17 year old and how much

State farm insurance?

recently i got my license and am now added, without charge, to my parents' car insurance. i'm 23 and from texas. my question is, if was to get married, would the company drop me off of the insurance?? i want to know because my parents currenty don't know that i'm planning to get married. i'd really like to know any info pertaining to this...i already called, but couldn't talk to anyone right now, so any knowledge would be great. thanks!!""

Car insurance confusion?

Ok, I'm 17 and I just moved to Florida with my 18-year-old boyfriend. He just got his license suspended so in a few days I'm going to get my first license here in Florida because I have a job to get to. (I've had my NC learner's permit for over a year) My question is basically, what are my options for car insurance? Can I have my own policy or is my only option to be put on his insurance? Please help!""

Is it your own fault if you are in the USA and have no health insurance?

I am in the UK, and the impression I get is that many people in the USA blame the 46 million or so people in the USA who have no insurance for not having any. Is it your own fault if you have no health insurance?""

What are you paying for ur car insurance?

I just bought a brand new 2010 EXL V6 honda accord , i went to my current auto insurance for a quote and with my husband's ticket record and accident..our age..location ( Central cali), price of the car ($31,000)...its going to be 215 a month. What do you think of the preimums?""

""Which is better, Term Insurance or Whole Life Insurance?""

Say you're newly married and the wife is pregnant. You have just bought a home and have a large mortgage. Which kind of insurance is best for a family, Term Insurance or Whole Life Insurance?""

Car insurance after a DUI?

I know everything I have to get with SR22 Interlock, etc... I'm just wondering if I should look into more popular car insurance companies like progressive, allstate,..... Or if local ones will be better/cheaper? Any advice or help is appreciated thank you!""

Car crash damage my insurance rights?

my 2009 vauxhall insignia was hit from behind sitting at a car park space in a supermarket,there is substantial amount of damage to the right hand arch right above the back wheel,the back bumper is also broken,it was hit that hard it was pushed onto the car park space in front of it,i believe what saved it from any further damage was the driver of the other car hit the wheel of my car which i guess cushioned the blow.i have went today and got estimates for the repair which is in the region of 2500 pounds though could be more as they have to put it on some sort of machine to see if the wheel alignment is of,the repair shops say what they will do is cut the arch out and put a new arch in and spray it but no matter what its never going to be the same.the reason they do it like this is because the whole back of my car runs to the front without any splits. Im not happy about this being done like this as this car today is worth around 10,000 pounds which i pay for and dont want it patched up,i would prefer if the other guys insurance wrote it off so that i can get an original car which i first had,is there anyway i can get this to be wrote of and claim it of the guys insurance,i have heard of depreciation money if my car has been hit but this is still not going to compensate me for my car being patched up. thanks""

Car insurance for new license holder?

what will be the prize of normal car insurance??? (i meant % of car prize) If the license is new what will the prize?? Im from dubai.. so i want to according to dubai market rate..

What insurance is available for those who are between ages 18-24 and can't qualify for Medicaid?

For the record, I am low-income in the state of California. Need some help pretty soon..

What is the average cost difference between full coverage insurance and liability insurance?

approx how much difference that is, like are we talking about couple hundreds 300-600 or alot more than that? thank you""

Insurance Tips! Needed ASAP!?

i have to get new insurance before i register my car. i have an 2006 chevy cobalt ive been in 2 car accidents and i haven't had my D.L for more then 3yrs. Could i take some kind of defensive driving class to get the points of my record and a lower insurance payment? if you don't have anything useful to say plz do not answer THANKS=)

How much would auto insurance cost me?

Im 16. The car im going to get is a chevy comaro 40k.? Dont tell me to go to my local car dealer thing to ask.

Can I be put on my parent's insurance for a separate car?

I need to get insurance on my car so that I can drive it without risking anything. My parents use Allstate, so I went to their website to see about how much it would be to get insurance. I found a nice monthly payment of $108, but the down payment was over $500! I drive a crappy old car that I payed for less than that. Can my parents add another car with the insurance in my name, put me under their policy for a different car, etc. at a lower price than that? I wish it were so much easier for things. All I care for is liability, so would it be possible to just piggyback off their policy?""

Review of Student Health Insurance from SUNY schools?

If you have bought the insurance provided from any SUNY school, what is your review on its coverage?""

Does the cost of my insurance for driving get reduced when I turn from 16 to 17?

Can someone please help me with a question about affordable health insurance? Please some info?

Where could a 56 year old female find some legitimate affordable health insurance? I would appreicate any advice you could pass along. Thank You so Much!!

Obamacare and still insurance premium skyrocketing?

Now that Obamacare has passed and in place why insurance premiums are still skyrocketing at record numbers? isn't it the main primary reason for (to have)obamacare is to curb the ever increasing cost of health insurance premium??

How much would insurance cost for a 16 yr old female?

I'm 16 & getting a 2010 Nissan Maxima. Don't tell me not to get it because I'll wreck or trash it. I learned how to drive when I was 12 and I drove all the time when I got my permit. I'm not going to trash it at all. All I need to know if how much insurance might be. A rough estimate because I know everywhere is different. Some few details: I'm 16, a female, straight A student, and really responsible. Thanks.""

Can new auto insurance company find an incident not reported with DMV but claimed with current insurance comp?

I want to change my auto insurance comp, i have claimed an accident with it for which i did not get a ticket. So will it matter if I don't report it to the new company while asking for quotations? Do insurance companies talk to each other or share data?""

Car Insurance for Teen?

I'm 16 years old and before my dad buys me a car, I have to have enough money in the bank for car insurance. (I've gotta pay for it.) I think I qualify for a discount since I'm, like, an A- student. Let's say... I get a 1999 Honda. Any quotes?""

Can you get medical insurance on a motorcycle?

If I were to buy a bike could I get medical insurance on the bike that covered any injuries that I could get if I got hurt on the bike. Also how much do you think it would cost? Any web sites I could go too?

What car insurance has the best deals with teen drivers?

I'm 18 and a good student. I want to use the car for school and college. I will probably be putting 10k miles a year. how much will my insurance be? what company has the best offers for this? thanks

Anyone know of any cheap insurance companies for a 17 year old on a renault clio 1.2 dynamique...?

in england that is and i am lookin at the premium being around 1000

Sports car insurance... Wil it be cheaper if...?

Well im 18 years old and still live with my rentz. I have a job and i make 1400-1600$ a month. I have only a few minor bills. Here in about 3 weeks im buying a 1996 pontiac firebird v6 coupe from a dealership. Before i buy the car i need some insurance info. Iv been to over 10 of the leading insurance companies and gotten rate quotes and there all 400$+ a month.. This is suprising because i only payed 120$ a month for my old car ( f150). So im wondering if my insurance will go down if my parents add me and my car to there insurance? If so how would i go about this? And how much of a price difference would it be? All answers are appriciated.. **No Spam Please**

ABC news did a #realmoney story on How to find affordable dental insurances or plans; Baton Rouge?

How can people save money and still get the best dental care in Baton Rouge. What insurance is best for a family of 5? ABC news did a segment on #realmoney and I am wondering more ...show more

Would insurance on a 2005 pontiac GTO be cheaper then insurance on a 2000 Grand Prix GTP (Supercharged)?

Can i freeze my car insurance?

Hi i am from ireland, and i am insured with Quinn insurance, I am 20. I am goin travelling for a few months in February. I am insured under my fathers policy, but he doesnt drive my car as he has his own van. I have to pay nearly 1000 at the end of January to insure my car but i am wondering could i freeze my insurance and pay for it when i get back. During my time away i am also going to try sell the car. so any help please.""

What is balloon insurance?

do i need balloon coverage

What is a good car insurance for florida state for a 23 year old female?

Help.

""Which came first, the incredibly high medical fees--or the insurance companies?""

Before the insurance companies and HMOs, how were medical fees? Were they extremely high like they are now--even for basic services that shouldn't be so expensive? Has insurance companies helped or hurt America since being involved in health care?""

Why did my homeowner's insurance double?

I have made no claims on the insurance and absolutely nothing has changed with the house (no pool, no trampoline, no dog, nothing.) Everything is identical to when I renewed last. Why would the insurance double when nothing has changed whatsoever?""

Cheap Auto Insurance for teen?

I live in Houston, TX I've had my license for about 9 months and had no ticket, no accident, nothing! I have GPA over 3.5 finished drivers' ed. where can I get the lowest for manual sedans?""

Life insurance?

has anyone every heard of national benefit life insurance company of ny ny? i got this letter from them in the mail and im a bit scheptical of it... lemme know so i dont pour all this money into it and end up with nothing kthanks xoxo

Which is the best medical insurance ?

Can any one suggest a good medical insurance company and plan

What insurance is available for those who are between ages 18-24 and can't qualify for Medicaid?

For the record, I am low-income in the state of California. Need some help pretty soon..

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/im-20-years-old-just-wondering-when-i-should-buy-life-anthony-lane/"

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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We’re very close. We couldn’t not be: the secret to a friendly divorce

This month sees a spike in couples filing for divorce, many of them vowing to stay friends. But is it really possible or worth the pain?

A few weeks ago, a man came to stay at my house and he and I made so much noise at 1am that we feared we might wake the children. The next morning at breakfast, we had to explain ourselves and apologise.

The man was my ex-husband, and he was telling me an anecdote in the early hours that had us both in fits of laughter. We separated in January 2009, and divorced a year later. He has since remarried, and lives in another city, but often comes to visit our three teenage sons. We have spent several Christmases, Easters and birthdays together.

If liking and being nice to your former partner is the essence of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martins conscious uncoupling, it could be said that my ex-husband and I are living that dream. In the three years since they announced their much-ridiculed approach to family life and relations post-marriage, the idea of the friendly divorce has become increasingly mainstream. As Helena Bonham Carter said of Tim Burton, her former husband of 13 years, I think well have something very precious still. Actor Kate Beckinsale is so friendly with her ex Michael Sheen (the father of their daughter) that shes often seen hanging out with him and his girlfriend, Sarah Silverman.

And then theres the rise of the divorce selfie, taken outside the courtroom, showing smug ex-marrieds beaming away together in the spirit of a bright future ahead of them (with a caption such as We smile not because its over but because it happened). January traditionally sees a spike in calls to family lawyers from couples wishing to uncouple. The first question for many is: can you really have a happy split?

Divorce coach Carol Sullivan thinks so. She runs Divorce Negotiator, which operates throughout England and Wales. Unlike solicitors who represent the separate parties, Sullivan assists both husband and wife and, to stop the escalation, maintains transparency between them. She claims to save a typical couple 80% of the cost of going to a solicitor, and 50% of their time. So far, she has helped more than 1,000 couples, many of whom apologise to each other and go out for drinks despite their decree nisi.

People are doing divorce differently that is, better, Sullivan says. They are more aware that the only winners are the lawyers, and bitterness and vengeance dont get anybody anywhere.

Of course, most people would say theyd like to divorce well, at least in theory, usually for the sake of any children involved. But, in practice, anger and hurt usually muddy the waters.

I am insufferably smug about what my ex-husband and I have managed to pull off, but I wont pretend it was instant. The parting of the ways was painful beyond anything I had ever experienced, but we managed to sort out our financial affairs and living arrangements ourselves. A lawyer friend kindly did the essential paperwork for both of us. We never went to court, and our whole divorce cost 90. Eight years have since passed, and time has done its cliched but excellent bit in terms of healing. Rancour has been and gone, leaving all the things we liked about each other in the first place: enjoyment of each others company, great communication, affection and respect. Plus all the things we have together accumulated over the years, namely three great boys, an important shared history and the recognition that prolonged bitterness eats away at people and benefits nobody.

Its difficult, but this approach is becoming more common. I have a friend whose husband went off with another woman. After her shock and anger subsided, she had him to stay with his new girlfriend several times, and even took coffee up to them in the morning. (Talk about forgiveness.) It was nice for the kids to see I was accepting of her with him, she tells me. I liked him. I liked her. She says she didnt indulge in any power play, at least not consciously.

The prevailing view is that good relations benefit the children, if you have them. Phyllis Maguire-Harrington, 33, is a carer and nursery manager. She sees many families who arent amicable, which has only compounded her belief that friendly divorce is vital even when she found out, three years into their marriage, that her husband had been unfaithful.

It hurt massively, she says now, but our daughter is my world. Even though I ended the marriage there and then, and never once wavered, I always spoke to him and let him see her. My daughter deserves both parents.

There was no court case. The same lawyer represented them both. It was all their own terms; he just did the paperwork. Her ex-husband has exactly the same parental rights as she does.

The couple, both from Wokingham, met at a bowling alley in their early 20s. Kieran Harrington, 35, remembers that she started dancing and I thought, wow! He found her generous, with a lot of time for others. Phyllis says she is very energetic, while Kieran was very chilled and happy to go along with anything she threw at him. They married in 2008 and separated in 2011, when their daughter was a year old.

To be brutally honest, I cheated on her, Kieran says. Its one of those things I cant explain. It was nothing she ever did or didnt do. When she found out, she went ballistic. Id never seen her like that. I deserved it. I tried to get her back, but eventually knew it was hopeless.

It was complicated, Phyllis says, because in September 2007 he had a brain haemorrhage and that altered him. Kieran says that, although he doesnt remember being tempted before the brain haemorrhage, it is nonetheless too easy an excuse. Either way, he says, the two flings with colleagues were a huge mistake. Initially, he says, there was some nastiness from Phyllis, but then it went away.

For a long time I wanted him to be my Kieran, Phyllis says, but he had changed. After the brain haemorrhage, I became more like a carer. I knew he was no longer fully in control of himself, and a psychologist told us he was never going to change. I had a baby and couldnt live like that any more, the suspicious wife.

The divorce came through in December 2014 and Kieran, a prison custody officer, now lives with his father and sister. He and Phyllis still see each other most days, and go on holiday together. They took Erin, now five, to Disneyland Paris for new year and glamping in Cornwall. Neither has another partner.

I did for a while, Phyllis says, and he and Kieran accepted each other, but he wanted to get married and I didnt. I think Kieran put me off for life, she laughs.

These days, Kieran confides in Phyllis about dates and she gives him advice. He admits hed like to get back together with her, but knows thats never going to happen; he also knows that it could all have been very different had Phyllis not been so forgiving. I could have lost a lot more, he says. As it is, the friendship we have having a laugh, watching movies together, sharing a bottle of wine when the little one is asleep is the best I can hope for, given Id still like to be married to her. Ill be a little bit jealous when shes with someone else, but I messed up, so I havent a leg to stand on. Im grateful Ive got this much and know we will be friends for life.

Phyllis agrees: Were very close. We couldnt not be, after all weve been through. But the divorce was the right decision. Would I get back with him? Never. Hes not the man I fell in love with.

***

Specialist family lawyer Peter Martin has been practising at London firm OGR Stock Denton for 40 years, and has worked with thousands of couples. In his experience, roughly 25-30% of couples are able to be friends afterwards, and its not always to protect the children. In some ways, it is easier for couples without children to stay friends, Martin says. Once the finances are sorted out, they are able to get on with their lives. They can become friends again, because they no longer have any pressures on them.

On the other hand, Martin says, couples without children have less reason to stay in touch. Those with children have to continue to communicate, and they are more likely, because of that, to rebuild a friendship. A forced friendship, because of having children, often develops in time into the real thing. Its the sort of thing I see a lot Im thinking of the first dance of a divorced couple as parents at their childs wedding.

Barry Rutter, 69, an actor, is founder and artistic director of Northern Broadsides, a touring company. He credits his ex-wife, Carol, 65, a professor of Shakespeare and performance studies at the University of Warwick, with their excellent relationship after nearly 20 years of marriage and 20 years of divorce. She credits him with not forcing her and their girls out of their home. You can be vengeful and angry and selfish and do all that stuff, Carol says. All those ugly emotions you can keep up for years, but thats just destructive.

The couple met while Barry was on tour in America in 1976. She, with her Californian chutzpah, came backstage to congratulate me, he says.

He had the tight curls of a Raphael angel and a boxers nose, she says. He was bolshie, challenging: a Yorkshireman. Everything around him was different and new.

She moved to England a year later, and they soon married. Their shared passion meant they always had things to talk about. Briony was born in 1982; their son, Harry, two years later, but he died from cot death aged just 98 days. Barrys support in the aftermath made Carol feel an overwhelming sense that our marriage could survive; how amazing it was that he could love me that much.

When he set up his own company, Barry was working so hard, Carol says, I think he started kind of shifting. Rowan, their younger daughter, was four. Carol had a full-time job at the university and Barry came home wanting shiny faces. There was a gap. It was, Barry says, a build-up of events, which I took to be a diminution between us. And my own restlessness. The cliche: the grass is always greener. The official divorce says adultery, but it is never as simple as that. I didnt fall in love, but I was distracted.

Barry says it was raw. I remember we met in the garden shed and she asked what I wanted, and I said all of my freedom to roam, and yet the home and family. It was a stupid, macho, dumb attitude to have. It was my folly. You make choices, and choices can bite.

How did I come back from that? Carol says. I went to see a divorce person who said dont fight, its not worth it; work it out between you. I was able to keep the man separate from the actor and, little by little, the birth of our three children, the death of our son, those things you shared, count. They represent the real core values of you two as people, as against the accidents of making bad decisions.

Barry says it was entirely Carols leading that set them on the footing they are on today. Its got to be about the future: I remember her saying that. I myself didnt have it in me to come up with anything like that. Its a testament to her. Id hope she is my best friend. Shes kept the name [Rutter]. Ive always been rather pleased about that.

These days, their daughters are both married, and they still see each other at least once a month and speak often. Carol goes to watch her ex-husband perform. She says he is perhaps better at expressing his emotions on stage, but he always made her laugh off it, and always will.

Tara Saglio has been a couples and individual psychotherapist for two decades. She believes that most divorced couples have to experience a period of proper separation before they can actively be friends again. As a generalisation, I think it takes five years for people to settle post-divorce, she says. It helps if both parties have reached a point where they can feel equally content, instead of one being miserable and the other blissfully loved-up with a new partner or even of one being blissfully alone and the other in a less than ideal rebound relationship. The chance of friendship depends on the emotional maturity of both parties. In my experience, Saglio adds, it is usually the couples for whom the passion has dwindled or gone, and who dont feel so betrayed or rejected, who can be friends. Sexual rejection or broken trust can skewer things.

Facebook, Instagram and so on can make it harder for couples to move on. Of course, social media always presents a happy if not idealised picture of everyones lives, Saglio says. It is hard to separate fully while having ones nose rubbed in the exs new life. On the upside, technology can be a force for good, depending on how it is used. It makes continued contact quicker and easier. A text or email is more emotionally distant than a face-to-face or phone conversation. A bit of a barrier can be a good thing.

Resolution is an organisation of family law professionals that promotes nonconfrontational divorce settlements. Nigel Shepherd, its national chair, says that avoiding unnecessary argument demands a shift of perspective: By nonconfrontational, we mean focusing on what is required for the future, as opposed to getting stuck in what happened in the past. A Resolution survey found that 90% of cases settle without a judge.

Current divorce law doesnt exactly help people to remain friendly: unless former couples are prepared to wait for two years once they have separated, they have no option but to cite adultery, unreasonable behaviour or (admittedly rarely) desertion on the paperwork. Resolution believes that a couple should be allowed to divorce simply if they think the marriage has broken down, a so-called no-fault divorce, and are lobbying for change. The current process, which pushes the majority into blame, often against their will, can really put the spanner in the works, Shepherd says.

***

Businesswoman Sarah Bevan never lost sight of the fact that she wanted to retain her friendship with her husband, Tim, despite her deep sadness when their marriage came to an end. We were originally friends, and I wanted very strongly to maintain that for the greater good of our family, she says. We always had a lot of fun and we managed to retain that.

Sarah, who is now single and in her 40s, lives in south London, and is setting up her own company. Tim, 50, the MD of a packaging and design company, lives in Hove. The pair met at work in London and married in 1994. They have three teenage children. The friendship was overriding in the relationship, Tim says. Any other issues were put to one side. Thats what carried us. But then I started to do better in my career, which made me more confident and, when other possibilities presented themselves, I was weak enough to succumb.

It was 2004. He admitted he was having an affair (not his first); they finally parted in 2005 and divorced in 2011. Tim says he walked away with two pictures, a stereo and a pink tea towel.

There were no lawyers, and nothing on paper; money was divided according to their own agreement. The divorce cost 560. Rather than argue in court, he wanted Sarah and the children to have a home and security. He credits their friendship today to his ex-wifes openness and strength, and thinks they have both pulled off something pretty extraordinary. According to Tim, both realise they are not going to be jumping into bed with each other again, but hopes theyll be best friends for life.

Shes currently offering me advice on cholesterol, he laughs. Shes still got my back! It helped that neither of them slagged each other off to the children. The family has a group chat online most days and he visits them every Tuesday for a curry evening.

There were phases of extreme anger and massive hurt, Sarah says, but even though hes certainly a difficult character, I love him and we hug and say we love each other. He remains an important part of her life, all the more so because her parents died recently in tragic circumstances. As Tim says, that focused everyone on whats important.

Despite everything weve put each other through, Tim says, weve come out of it. We will be sitting in our deckchairs in 30 years time with our mint tea, looking at the children, and thinking, Weve done good.

How to divorce well

1. Slow down. Reactive decisions are usually bad ones; if you are feeling hurt, or have just discovered your partner with someone else, dont take any legal action until the red mist has gone.

2. Try to be rational. Going through a separation is highly emotional, but try to put that to one side and sit down with a neutral party with the aim of making sensible decisions. Remember that you loved the other person once.

3. Decide on your priorities. More often than not one of the biggest goals is to move on with your life with your dignity intact. The more amicable the divorce, the quicker it will be over, leaving you to get on with the next chapter of your life. It is also a lot cheaper.

4. Go to a good family lawyer. Find a family specialist committed to working out solutions as amicably as possible and in a way that will preserve your relationship with your spouse.

5. Expect a big change in your lifestyle. Your life is going to change dramatically; being shocked by this can often lead to resentment and breed conflict. Your partners life will be changing, too, and they will have the same problems adjusting as you are. Yes, really.

6. Dont do it the celebrity way. You dont have to fight dirty to get the best result in fact, judges will frown upon it when making their settlement.

7. Dont listen to your friends. Turn to them for emotional support but remember that every marriage is different and every divorce is different. Just because friends think it is a good idea, doesnt mean it is.

8. Be the bigger person. Even if your nearly ex is trying to play dirty, dont rise to the bait. It is easier said than done, but I often hear from people who, years later, regret that they allowed themselves to be brought down to that level.

9. Think about divorce before you get married. What will your situation be if things dont work out? Consider how your partner is likely to behave in those circumstances as well. Think about a prenuptial agreement realism does not have to be anti-romantic.

10. If you have children, be nice for their sake. It is only in the most exceptional circumstances that it is not in the childrens interests for their parents to remain friendly.

Peter Martin, family lawyer, OGR Stock Denton