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ma1dita · 3 months

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said he likes crazy

a ‘partners in crime’ installment - luke castellan x dionysus!reader

words: 2.1k

summary: (pre-established relationship) The one where only he can help you with a bad day, even if he's been avoiding you since your first kiss. Luke Castellan x fem!Dionysus!reader

a/n: SAID HE LIKES CRAZY GIRLS, BUT HE HATES WHEN I ACT CRAZY guys i didnt sleep for this pls tell me its ok

(posted 1/29/24, beta’d by the lovely ellie @lixzey )

—

He’s been avoiding you.

To be specific, Luke’s been running away from you. Typical son of Hermes, and a typical teenage boy at that. But if anyone’s asked you what’s up (which, they all have, after almost 4 years of seeing you two not go a day without bickering), it’s just easier to say you’ve been busy.

Okay, so perhaps you’ve been avoiding him too.

Annabeth clocked you as soon as you turned tail after almost bumping into him after archery practice. Damn children of Athena; it’d be nice if they weren’t so perceptive sometimes.

“What did he do this time?” she pipes up, filling the silence of the Big House. It’s late now, and the cabin counselors’ meeting just ended.

“Seeing as you’re the one helping me with the paperwork tonight and not him, you can take a good guess, Annie,” you sigh.

Honestly though, who the fuck kisses someone senseless and then runs away? (Luke Castellan, that’s who.) You weren’t sure what to make of it. You’re a daughter of chaos, after all, not love. But if there’s anyone who can read your emotions better than yourself, it’s him.

Annabeth stares at her idiot brother through the window as he wanders in the grass outside the Big House.

“That bad, huh?”

“He’s just…being Luke,” you say, blinking slowly as you shuffle through the last of the files you need to put on your dad’s desk before you mutter, “I’m just having a bad day.”

A noise of concern makes its way up Annabeth’s throat. You haven’t had a bad day in a while, in all honesty, not one that makes you act like this, admittedly not one that makes you act like you— the daughter of Dionysus, god of insanity, and not the daughter of Mr. D, camp director.

It was just a bad day until it turned into a bad week, and the voices in your head were starting to get loud without Luke distracting you. Because that’s what he ultimately is, a distraction from your camp duties.

There’s so much to do and so little time, however, that you hide away your microexpressions that seem to be clawing at you from the inside. The anger, the mania, the hurt. If you unleash it, only the gods can predict how much of camp would be affected by your ‘outbursts’, as your dad likes to call them. Not like you had a choice in the matter. Your days of wreaking havoc are behind you, now presenting yourself as the stellar star of the Camp Half-Blood show. It’s almost a one-woman production with you picking up after your father and trying to tame the traits he passed down.

Thanks for that, D.

So you give and you give and you give—all your attention and time and effort into keeping camp upright, into being the perfect daughter, that at the end of the day, you’ve drained yourself of who you are with who you try to be.

You look at your tired reflection in the window, before your eyebrow raises at the sight of Luke blending in with the shadows of the tree he’s leaning against. Idiot.

“Annie, would you mind…”

“Yeah, I’ll do cabin checks myself. Might drag your brother to do them with me,” she smiles, patting your arm before grabbing her bag.

“If he complains, let me know. Pollux has heard me bitch enough today.” The small girl raises an eyebrow at that, biting her tongue from responding. You chewed out a lot of people today, acting extra uptight and demanding of the counselors to “just do the right thing.” It was almost insufferable, but despite you trying to hold it in, your emotions bled into their own. Everyone was agitated by the end of the meeting, filing out quickly with biting words and hot tempers. You couldn’t help but notice Luke led them all out of there, and they also somehow got the feeling that he was to blame.

Smiling at Annabeth in thanks, you watch her walk out to Luke before punching him in the stomach as he grimaces, meeting your violet gaze through the window as he raises a hand. It’s hard to tell if it’s to signal a truce or his embarrassment, but he trudges the way up the path and the door creaks open.

“Heard you were having a bad day,” he mumbles, scratching the nape of his neck. You look at him from the corner of your eye as you continue to write down the weekly to-dos and organize papers for your dad to sign and send back to Zeus.

“Why are you here, Castellan?”

“So we’re back to that? I thought…” his voice trails off at the sound of his last name, not Luke, not angelface, or anything in between, and both of you are unsure how to proceed. Neither of you have done this before, at least not with each other. You tilt your head to the side, daring him to speak, and it reminds him of a week ago, you bathed in sunlight when he leaned in and kissed you. Though if he did that right now, he’s not sure how you’d react.

“It’s just a bad day,” you whisper in defeat, lilac eyes wilting in front of him like an overwatered flower.

He realizes then that he cares for you more than he knows how to. And Luke knows what it means when you’re having a bad day.

There’s a deranged look in your eye, a subtle eye twitch and clench of your jaw that is almost insusceptible to the average demigod, but he knows you’re on edge, having taunted you mercilessly until you scream, cry, laugh, or all of the above. But most of all you look tired and in need of someone who knows how it feels to be underappreciated.

“D’s a great dad to the twins. But I just feel like… maybe he wasn’t meant to be mine,” you whisper, rolling your tongue against the front of your teeth to push back the sob a 14-year-old version of you would let out deep in the dark of cabin 11, having been there for months and knowing Dionysus was your father and waiting for him to see you. To know you.

“Giving me a hard time about all of this,” you say, hands gesturing to the things you have to prepare for him by morning. You’re overworked, underpaid, and definitely not appreciated— and Luke decides he hates your dad for what he puts you through, not just as a shitty camp director but as a shitty dad. He’s learned to live with the hurt—to use it to fuel his vengeance for how he plans to make the world better. But your ambition makes you change yourself constantly to try to be better. Both fatal flaws are fueled by the ignorance of your fathers. He knows the feeling all too well. He knows you.

“What do you need?” he asks simply, stepping closer to your form hunched over the desk.

“I can do it, you know. D’s wrong about me,” you whisper, and the words come out sounding so desperate for him to believe the performance you always put on that you avert your eyes.

He doesn’t need to be convinced; instead, he holds his arms out waiting for you to let you make the next move. Luke is neither a fool nor a knave— there are no tricks here, no hidden agenda as he watches you try to compose yourself with a deep breath instead of showing him the real you. The one who’s beneath the mask of being head counselor, your father’s saving grace, and the one who carries her responsibilities like Atlas carries the weight of the sky.

“I know you can. You always have. You really think I’m here to help you file paperwork?” He means it.

“Will you let me?” Whether he meant sharing the workload or being there for you, you wouldn’t dare to ask. It’s all the same, anyway—laying yourself bare for someone to peek into your mind and have them not laugh at it.

Suddenly you speak, and the intensity of your tone makes him straighten his posture.

“Sometimes… Do you ever feel the need to just…”

“What?” He reaches out to tug your hair, and in the dim light, he can see the bloom of your cheeks. You’re shy, and Luke thinks you look soft like this, wary of how he perceives you.

“I shouldn’t.” Fuck the gods. He can see the thought form in your eyes, the heat of your stare tearing through his, and his lips pull into a smirk.

“What was that, trouble?”

“Luke, don’t be an asshole…” You say warily, biting the inside of your cheek. There’s no way you’re going down in the history books for cursing the gods because Luke Castellan of all people made you.

“I thought you liked me like that,” he’s grinning now, and grabbing your chin lightly, mouthing the words to echo your thoughts.

Fuck the gods.

“Fuck.” you whisper, before your voice fails you, your eyes closing both from his touch and the genuine fear of the heavens falling down from the sacrilege falling from your lips.

“Louder,” he whispers, pulling your face up close to his, “come on, you used to be more fun, trouble. I believe in you.”

“Fuck!” you say louder and he’s whispering in your ear, urging you to toe the line between perfect child and degenerate.

“Say it again.”

“FUCK! FUCK THE…” you yell before you sigh exasperatedly, eyes widening as you feel the breath release from your chest before your head lolls onto his shoulder.

“Gods, you’re fucking insane, Castellan.”

He laughs lowly, and it sounds as sweet as sin. Your smiling lips make an imprint on his collarbone, and he wishes they would sear themselves on there for the rest of eternity.

“Hey, I get it from you. Feel better?”

To be seen is a fickle thing. But to be known is something more intimate, and nothing will be able to erase the connection you both share—fatal flaws and all. There are things you can’t change about people, what they are at their core, and so he takes what you hate about yourself with both hands and pulls you towards his chest until you settle against him with a sniffle. Luke tilts your chin up again, a rough thumb wiping away evidence of your watery smile. He thinks he sees a glimpse of a past you—a younger one that dyed his socks purple to make him feel like he belongs here. And he knows now that he does belong with you, right here as he holds you in the quiet of the Big House.

“Ugh, I’ll kiss you later, I still have to finish up here. You’re not off the hook, angelface.” You sigh, pushing away from him before he tugs you back, your feet stumbling as you roll your eyes at his impish expression.

“Let me make it up to you, trouble.”

“What, so you run away again?” you scoff, snickering at the sight of his ego being taken down a notch.

“I’ve just….I don’t know how to do all of this with you. Guess I’m worried it won’t meet your expectations, Miss Head Counselor.” A boyish sort of bashfulness crosses his features, and he’s twirling a piece of your hair in his hands like spinning silk.

“I just hope you never stop surprising me. That’s all I ask.”

Your hand touches his wrist lightly, and he sighs like you’ve already taken his breath away.

“I keep my promises. Do you?”

“Who said a kiss was a promise? I meant it as a threat,” you laugh before he’s pressing your hips into the table, nose nudging against yours and suddenly work is off the table for the rest of the night.

You on the table, however, well... that could be negotiated.

“I knew something was wrong with me when your so-called threats got less scary and more sexy,” Luke teases, running a finger on the side of your cheek. His breath tickles your lips, and you can imagine the rage your father would feel if he caught the two of you in his office like this. Besides the blatant defiance, you briefly wonder if your rebellion would get him to respect you more. An interesting thought.

“You’re absolutely terrible. I need to get this done… The gods don’t wait for us.”

A weak sigh leaves your mouth as your brain is already riddled with thoughts of him and he closes the gap between your lips.

“They can wait until morning. For now, you’re mine.”

—

“You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first — bullshit.

I have never loved myself.

But you —

Oh god, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like. (via swxrn-in)”

ask to be added to general/luke taglists!

luke taglist (some won't let me tag, turn on my post notifs?): @kissingyourgrl @dorcas4meadowes @lorarri @andrewgarfldsgf @noodlesketchbook @10ava01 @poppysrin @ashisabitgay @timhalamet @liv1104 @leeknows-wife @mxtokko @bugcuti3 @luvvfromme @midmourn @2hiigh2cry @yuminako @niktwazny303 @lukecastellandefender @intergalactic-padawan @iliketopgun @annybah @dangelnleif @thegrinningghost @alyssajunelle @obxstiles @m00ng4z3r @visndcaitswhore @b0ok-lover @elegant-face-tree @this-barbie-is-having-breakdowns @amortencjja @idonevenknow1359 @maliaaaa @targaryenluvs @sakyira @dhdjdjjdhsjdiri @number-onekidqueen @nininehaaa @bradynoonswife @stevenknightmarc @hoodedhavok @happy-mushrooms @homebyeleven @anotherblackreader @too-deviant @liviessun @lilacspider @theadventuresofanartist @sucker4seresin @simpforsunwoo @zanzie @starrystormwritings

#luke castellan x reader #luke castellan x dionysus!reader #luke castellan fanfic #pjo x reader #pjo imagine #made by ma1dita ♥︎#trouble!verse #percy jackon and the olympians #luke castellan angst #thank you for reading my love ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

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mugiwaramochi · 2 years

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Family: We notice every time you’re having an episode! :D

Me: I’ve been riding a manic episode with holy shit aggression for the last week.

Family: ...*surprised pikachu face*

#personal #bipolar with mixed features #mixed features means I cycle rapidly through episodes #and my brand of mania is aggression and agitation #so I'm a joy to be around #*sarcastic last tag*

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lirational · 1 month

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Bait

Eldritch AU Path to Nowhere inspired by this image.

Monster!Shalom x Reader

Warnings: Dark content, dubious consent, general monsterfuckery, implied breeding, questionable anatomy, questionable science ethics or honestly ethics in general. DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT

SMUT UNDER THE CUT, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

—

“It seems that they take a particular enjoyment to observing both of us.”

A statement, not a question. You were used to observing beings that are not of this world, captured by unknown means and now kept here to minimize their danger to the world at large. Monsters. You hesitate to call them that, as the term implies they were driven by familiar, animalistic instincts much like creatures of this world, while they seem to operate less on instinct and more on an unfathomable logic that you, and most human beings, lack the capacity to comprehend, a phenomenon which you and everyone here would witness whenever any of them deigned to entertain themselves with your reactions.

Perhaps, you should count yourself lucky that even after the higher ups captured them and shoved them in this facility designed as a cage, most of them were willing to adapt to parameters acceptable to humans. You’ve seen the ease of which some of them ruin lives when agitated, remembering that hapless scientist who tried to debate S-087 about the true nature of the universe and ended up being a little less, ah, comprehensible after she witnessed a glimpse of something not meant to be seen. You shudder, lost in the thought of the fate of your colleague after that ordeal instead of entertaining the monster in front of you with a response—

A cold feeling interrupted your thoughts, slender fingers wrapping on your wrist as the monster directed your hand to touch her cheek. She was now only centimeters away from your face, her fingers playing with your hand as she asked, “Your thoughts seem to be wandering away. What is it in your expression, ah, penny for your thoughts?”

She paused, letting her words sink in. In that brief moment, the triangular symbol in her eye seemed to flicker and flash.

“I cannot say I like being treated as if I’m not present.”

“S-017, I only wanted to record more information about that World of Mania you mentioned. Your thoughts about the research procedure is irrelevant,” you answer, the fake detachment all too evident to you. A part of you dislike treating her in such a cold manner, but this was one of the most basic things they drilled in your training manual. They are not people, there is no need to treat them as such, and don’t show your fear to them, for they might - and on occassions, have - take advantage of it.

“It’s Shalom,” she responded, her smile unfading, face close enough you could feel the warmth of her breathing. You have been warned about this, read the case files about how Sha— S-017 presents a veneer of perfection in each of her movements, and only when you pay very close attention you can see traces of her inhumanity. Every single part of her seems to be sculpted without flaw, from her porcelain skin to her doctored expressions, down to the vivid shade of maroon hair that faded into white as they tickled your skin and pooled on your lap from your proximity. Some of your colleagues have theorized that her perfection was meant to lull, to decrease one’s wariness towards her and lure people’s eyes from her less human traits. About the only part of her that gives away her true nature was the triangle in her right eye, but you suspect that if she didn’t want to show that part of her, you won’t even know it was there. “Perhaps it is irrelevant to the scheduled questioning we’re having right now, but I’m sure you are familiar with scientific curiosity.”

In that moment, your senses tinged a little as cold, vivid blue invaded the edges of your vision. A warning? Even if Shalom didn’t mean it as that, you’d rather not push it into a situation where being smashed into bloody pulp is the least undesirable fate. Many of your colleagues have theorized that the creatures held here merely stayed because the facility provided a measure of entertainment or possess something they want, and if any of them has a shred of determination to escape, the facility would be gone without a trace in the time it took for you to blink.

“I’m sorry, Shalom, may I ask you to elaborate about the World of Mania you mentioned in our last session?” You indulged her.

“Mhm, that’s more like it,” she hummed, clearly pleased. “Sure, I don’t mind, maybe I’ll tell you later.”

In your overstuffed armchair, you could feel something slither onto you, her stare anchoring you in place as the foreign tendril slides up your leg. More joined to trace your arms, and you glance at the camera stationed nearby, wordlessly pleading for the scientist watching the whole thing to get up and get help. It didn’t take long for Shalom to use another of her tendrils as a lithe finger to tilt your chin back to her, drowning you into her unmoving stare, “I will tell you, but in exchange…” she let her words sink in for a moment, “Won’t you entertain me?”

There was no need to be a, well, rocket scientist to understand what she was getting at. Her words carried a certain cadence to it, and you squirm in response, your head turning to look at the camera to scream for help, the monster’s feelings be damned. However, she was faster, one tendril rubbing circles on your clothed clit, the other teasing your lips, before holding down your tongue to render your plea ineffective. For a moment, blue flooded your vision, and when it subsided, the space around you has been warped, the door out of this room buried behind layers and layers of walls as the space itself warped to form a dark, foreboding maze. Did they not see what happened to you? Did they decide to dispose of you as punishment for something you weren’t aware of—?

“Again, what is bothering you? Ah, let me guess, are you bothered by the eyes trained on us?”

“S-017, I’m not here to, in your words, entertain you. You’re crossing and breaking several— ah, facility rules we are both bound with,” your voice was shaking, the authority and distance you tried to imbue into it fading as you gulp at the feeling of another tendril slipping past the band of your undergarments to play at your shamefully wet core. Your back was pressed to the stuffed chair, your movements limited as the tendrils around your limbs started to tighten, not enough to hurt, but enough to disallow you from moving even an inch without her permission.

From your files, S-017 seemed to be the rational sort, and you hoped the appeal to her rationality would allow you to escape this horrifying predicament. Even as your body started to ache and quiver with need from Shalom’s teasing touches, you still have enough of a mind to remember that both of you are being watched and recorded. At least, you would buy another few precious seconds for the security squad to come barging in, hopefully distracting her—

“Frankly, your rules hold no relevance to me,” Shalom answered, mismatched eyes glancing at the direction of what seemed to be a wall she erected herself by warping the space. “I’m sure you are familiar with the concept of bartering, hm? You get information, and I get a little bit of entertainment while I’m cooped in here. It’s a win-win for both of us, hm?”

Each word from her lips seem to infuse the air itself, thickening each breath you take in and eroding your reason to stoke your desire. Shalom stood up, taking a step back while she snapped her fingers, engulfing the chair you sat on with a gelatinous substance before the object disappeared into the darkness. Now, you were only held up by her tendrils, helplessly hung in the air as she drank in your appearance. Four more tentacles, two sliding out from somewhere on her back and the others from behind her legs, move towards you and made quick work on your clothes, the articles left to drop in a haphazard pile on the floor.

“I’m not here for you, or anyone else to have sex with. I will forward the request for approval to the facility if you want something of that nature, but—“

In that moment, the symbol on her right eye seems to bore right into your soul, then she stroked your cheek, voice soothing, tickling the air and making you gulp. Was it fear or anticipation? You could no longer be sure. “What got you so frightened? You will not share the fate of your colleagues, or come back as anything else but a normal, living person. Does it count as killing you a little if you come back out perhaps a bit exhausted?” She mused, practiced amusement sliding into her tone. “Don’t worry, I’ll make it pleasurable for you, too.”

Another couple of tendrils engulfed her clothes, and you were left with the sight of her naked body. Just how many did she hide behind that human appearance of hers? Regardless, like what you had always seen, every part of her was sculpted to perfection, any blemish and flaw hidden, or perhaps, she never allowed any to mar her. A few of your colleagues had theorized she made her own body, or perhaps, stole one from an unsuspecting person before she came to be imprisoned in the facility, but regardless, S-017 - Shalom’s perfectionism was well-known among your fellow researchers, to an unsettling degree.

“Does this body appeal to you?” The question snapped you out of your own reverie, not helped as she emphasizes her words with a rough pinch on your nipples. She sounded amused, sitting on thin air propped with her own alien limbs. This was the first time you had ever gotten a proper look of them, the tendrils starting with a vivid maroon of her hair, before fading to white and glowing in a bright, luminescent blue at the tips.

“Answer me,” she demanded, tendrils forcing you to look at her eyes. A lulling blue glow flooded your vision for a moment, and when it fades, your mind felt hazy, cloudy, your inhibition loosening as approval tumbled down from your lips. It felt good, it felt good as she smiled, and at least, even if the facility won’t send anyone, you can take comfort in the fact that the monster before you seem to be fond enough of you. The limbs propping you up shifted and made you lean forward, ass up in the air, another tentacle invading your puckered hole, only leaving your mouth free.

“Service me, and I’ll see that you’re returned, more or less unharmed.”

Accompanied with a flash of blue in your vision, her order seeped into your mind in a more direct way compared to a verbal command, an easy pleasure invading your body as you leaned as close as she allowed you, to the dripping slit between her legs. Hesitation screamed at the edge of your thoughts, yet, you could no longer process it, your tongue lapping at her with the fervor rivalling one induced by addiction. Your reward came in the form of pleasure as the tendrils nestled inside you start to move in tune with your movements, brushing that spongy spot while unnatural glee washed all over your body. It was as if each of the monster’s words carry a hidden reward, one that would be released as flashes of happiness as you obeyed her.

As your climb ever closer to your peak, Shalom released two more tendrils from her back, covering your eyes until all you could feel, could hear, could taste, was her, her moans of pleasure that sends happiness jolting straight into your quivering body, and the feeling of her tendrils invading deep, deep into you as if to prevent you from knowing, perceiving anything else. In the darkness, your senses felt sharper, each brush becoming tenfold in its intensity as you felt yourself thrown and engulfed in the throes of pleasure.

Everything was heightened, sharper. As you reached that sweet release, you tasted her release right at the same time, only for it to be snatched in an instant as you taste the monster’s lips on yours. You were far too distracted, unaware as foreign objects settled deep in your body, only feeling the oddity for a moment before you were dragged back to feel the full force of pleasure. She swallowed your screams, leaving you dripping, out of breath, and hung suspended in the air as the tentacles covering your eyes start to shift away, allowing you your sight again, to see Shalom looking especially pleased with herself. In contrast to the mess you were in, she had already dressed herself, no proof of the pleasure you had shared could be seen on her.

A contrast to your messed-up state.

While propping you up, she lowered you and let you stand, and in a flash of blue in your vision, you were already dressed.

“That completes the deal, as for my end—“

A tentacle probed into your head, not at all painful, yet there was a strangeness to it that you couldn’t put your finger on. As it reached a part of your mind, you saw images, information engraved directly into your memories. It felt like an eternity before she released her hold on you, and when she did, the room has returned to its prior state, no trace of the maze in sight.

“Huh…?” You mumble, dumbfounded. “Did no one see that, or was that just a—“

“Dream? Of course not, they have been pretty busy, I might add, but they can’t reach both of us in the corner of an ever-shifting maze. I would estimate it will take them around a century to find the exit, if they keep searching the entire time,” Shalom smiled at your dumbfounded expression, “Don’t worry, once you open that door, they’ll be transported back somewhere in this building. After all, I want you to be able to come back here without suffering any consequence, but…”

Her smile turns hungry.

“Come back in time, otherwise, you’ll be in for quite an amusing experience, alright?”

#path to nowhere #path to nowhere x reader #ptn x reader #path to nowhere headcanons #ptn shalom x reader

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ranticore · 2 months

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the sea is a terrible place (or: here's some scary natural phenomena found in the sea of Siren)

The false reflection, mostly encountered by deep-diving phocids. This phenomenon occurs when ultra dense high saline water gathers in underwater brine pools on the sea floor. It appears reflective, like a mirror. Down in the deep, the only way you can see at all is to take some form of luminescence with you, which obscures the pool and shows you nothing but another phocid below, holding a light source. It's common for pelagic people to be unfamiliar with their own facial markings and reflection. They mistake the reflection as another phocid, or a ghostly apparition, and reach out. But the salinity of the brine pool is such that even touching it can scald the skin, especially as all mammals on siren are adapted to low salt conditions and require far far less salt than unaltered humans.

The abyss, of course. Most of the sea of Siren is not as deep on average as the sea on Earth. But there are cracks and trenches in the sea floor that go down, and down, and down... they are poorly explored (though the first settlers did send drones down) and sites of myth and legend for swimmers. The abyss is not usually dangerous, since it's easy to just not go down there, but sometimes the cracks seem to inhale and exhale - natural flows of groundwater, or attempts to fill a vacuum caused by a different crack releasing gas. So swimming over certain cracks might result in you being dragged down unexpectedly into the anoxic zone near the sea floor in the region... or it might result in you being unexpectedly shot up. These events are incredibly rare and usually passed off as tall tales, some selkie who claims to have flown due to being propelled into the sky

The snowstorm... an event that occurs when the sediment is agitated enough to completely white out the water. If the particles are the right size, echolocation clicks bounce back immediately, making sight and echo useless. Phocids and selkies trapped in the snowstorm could lose situational awareness and forget which way is up very easily, and the instant bounce-back of echo clicks is deeply unpleasant, giving the illusion of being 1 inch from swimming straight into a solid wall.

Shriekers. This is an issue where ice caps, glaciers etc meet the water. The ice cracks and breaks, and to sensitive phocid and selkie ears it's an unbearable shriek that can render them disoriented and deaf at long range, and break eardrums at close range. Around the ice wall, there's an almost constant background noise of screaming.

The false sky. A phenomenon that occurs when a swimmer loses situational awareness, and ends up diving deeper and deeper thinking that they're about to come up for air. The reduced gravity of siren means that it's more difficult under the water to feel gravity, resulting in a more weightless sensation than on Earth. Occasionally, a natural biolumescence in deep water may produce an illusion of the sky viewed through the turbid water, making the disoriented swimmers even more certain that they are travelling up, when really they are diving. In Spiral mythos this is treated as a specific type of mania.

The wanderer.. it looks like a phocid swimming in the distance. You hail them, click at them, wave your lantern, but they don't respond. If you get closer, they'll flee. This is a really common story among nearly all pelagic people worldwide, and what they are seeing are the vanishingly rare aquatic zeta, those who did not adapt to becoming terrestrial and became extremely solitary, so they were not able to regain language due to not having complex cultures and societies anymore. They resemble smaller, hairy phocids and are considered a type of (for lack of a better word?) fairy or trickster spirit in Spiral culture, a false friend leading you astray.

The flesh cloud. This is a mass of deceased scalefish, the hagfish-like animals which make up many of the fish shoals on Siren. If they enter an anoxic zone unexpectedly (if chased, pushed by currents, or just unlucky) they can die in large numbers, forming a tangled, decaying mass that drifts through the seas. These are heralds of rot and disease and the water around them is filthy and unclean, an infection risk for any swimmer with an open cut. Sometimes large nets are set up to catch and redirect them.

Sharp sand. Some substrate is made of silica and appears glittery, like fairy dust. When water mixes, these can form plumes which are hundreds of feet tall. They're not dangerous in and of themselves, but you had better make sure you close your eyes around it, no matter how pretty the dancing glitter might be. A common cause of corneal ulceration and abrasion.

Cherta's Tide. This is a big one. Tides are slow and rare most of the time, mixing the water and enabling life to flourish. But every so often, there are two different tides that come round, which can be predicted based on which moon is most prominent in the sky for the duration. Ishmael's Tide is a high water apocalyptic event, but there are many monitoring stations and contingencies to avoid it. Cherta's Tide (similar to a neap tide) is far more unpredictable and occurs irregularly, as the moon Cherta is smaller, darker, and harder to see. This tide is a low-water event. Vast stretches of the sea floor are laid bare and the underwater ridges suddenly become towering cliffs and barriers for people who can't fly. This can last for weeks at a time, and without the water of course most animal populations who can't hide in substrate take a huge hit. It can happen fast enough to strand a swimmer at the top of a ridge, nothing but air below all the way to what was once the sea floor, and they might be stranded, unreachable, and without food or water for a fatal period of time.

#i made these as a challenge to myself because i didn't want to rely on 'it's scary because monsters are there'#the sea ITSELF is scary #setting: siren #speculative biology

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thecatslug · 5 months

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I, Strahd: Depression, Psychosis, and Mental Health

Today I am going over how and where severe depression comes up in I, Strahd (1 and 2). We’ll look at what is wrong with him psychologically, explain the ‘diagnoses’, and go over where this can be seen in the novels.

In I, Strahd (1&2), two forces completely sway every facet of the story: The Dark Powers (TDP), and Strahd’s own fractured psyche. The former can be shooed to the realms of DM knowledge, but the latter casts a shadow over all of Strahd’s actions in the novels.So, when examining these books, we must either ignore his mind and get an inaccurate view of events, or deep-dive into his mental-health and learn to view the novels with such a lens in mind.

Welcome to Series 1; Strahd’s crippling depression

“Blackness surged up and clouded my brain for a time. This had happened before and was now becoming more frequent. I had thought it was simple illness before realizing it was but another part of my growing despair." (I, Strahd, p. 125)

Table of Contents: 1 -> Disclaimers to cover my ass and content warnings to cover yours 2 -> The actual essay on his depression (what y’all are here for) (a) we’ll tell you what is up with him (b) we’ll explain the ‘diagnosis’, (c) we’ll finish with where we see this in the novels (i.e., our reasoning) 3 -> Our sources, further reading, and resources 4 -> My rambling authors note

== Disclaimers and Content Warning: ==

My background on the subject: I am by no means a professional psychologist, but I am in training to be one. I also have extensive experience in writing for mentally ill characters, and neurotically strive for accurate portrayals. Indeed, it has become somewhat of a side hobby to prep for and run NPCs that grapple with themes of mental illness; a core theme which is present in most (if not all) of the games I run. Beyond this- haphazard “resume” if you will, I personally fall into the category of what some people term “severe mental illness”. I have bipolar II disorder, which is characterized by periods of extreme depression and mild (hypo)mania. Unlike bipolar I, which is characterized by full-blown mania. And, while every person is different, and this by no means denotes expertise, sometimes having an inside perspective sheds a lot of new light on the media we consume.

Disclaimer: What this is: The essay below is purely for entertainment purposes for nerds who enjoy literature and this setting. It is meant to be a supplement for DMs who write for Strahd, and an interesting insight for everyone whose curious about the NPC. What this isn’t: The content below does not reflect everyone’s experience with the disorder, nor is it meant to be a professional info-dump. My word is not law, nor is it claiming to be 100% professionally accurate. This is also not professional advice nor a guide for those struggling with mental health. If you are struggling with any of the difficulties described below, I have resources in section 3 to take a poke at.

Trigger/Content warning: We’re talking about severe mental illness in the context of ravenloft. It’s already a bleak topic and now just wrapped in depression: the game setting. Because we’re using I, Strahd (1&2) as our main focus, I have to put in a CW for suicide. Because we’re covering depression in these books, there’s a general CW for the topic, along with a CW for discussions of psychosis and agitated states. (TL;dr: Suicide, depression, psychosis and agitated states)

== I, Strahd: Diagnosis, Explanation, & Reasoning ==

“Secret and safe in some hidden cache within me, the blackness was always ready to rush forth and resume gnawing at my soul like a starved monster.” (I, Strahd, p. 125-126)

{ I } ‘What’s Wrong’ Strahd likely has major depressive disorder (MDD) with mixed-features and psychotic features.

{ II } ‘What this means’ [1] Depression is far more diverse than most realize. It is not merely feeling extremely sad, exhausted, or melancholic. Nor is it always coupled with suicidality. Depression is also not only isolated episodes or only long term/persistent. For some people it can come episodically (MDD), for others it can be lowgrade and chronic over time (persistent depressive disorder (PDD)), and some individuals can suffer from a mix of both. Symptoms can also ebb and change over time, some individuals may go into remission, others may have increasing severity or begin having chronic issues, etc. etc.

(TL;dr: depression is pretty diverse so leave preconceived notions at the door, and remember that Strahd’s issues don’t reflect everyones struggles.)

Below I’ll be talking about two ‘features’ in depression. Mixed-features and psychotic features are essentially ways to describe a sub-cluster of symptoms that individuals can suffer from during depressive episodes (namely with MDD). An individual who suffers from various depressive ‘features’ might not suffer from them during every single depressive episode.

Finally, I’d like to note that an individual does not have to suffer from every single symptom to be considered depressed or to fit the criteria of certain features. Instead, there’s usually a minimum number of symptoms that must be met, alongside making sure context is taken into account, and how much those symptoms impair an individual’s functioning.

[2] Mixed-features (aka ‘agitated depression’)

Individuals during a mixed-features depressive episode experience the ‘usual’ depressive symptoms. They can feel: Hopeless, apathetic, struggle to enjoy life experiences/unable to feel pleasure (anhedonia), feel extreme sadness or low mood, etc. However, alongside these usual depressive symptoms, they can experience: Racing thoughts, extreme physical restlessness, a chronic sense of being ‘on edge’, become impulsive, suffer from angry outbursts, and more.

A good example I’ll use is from my own experience with mixed-state depressive episodes, to help give the gist of how this looks:

Mixed-feature depressive states, for me, felt like my skin was crawling. I couldn’t stop thinking, my thoughts became a jumbled stream that needed to be vented or I’d explode. I felt constantly ready to snap at people because of that inner tension, coupled with a severe inability to simply feel happy, to enjoy anything, to have the motivation to even consider talking with or dealing with people. I felt miserable but, instead of simply wanting to curl up and sleep, my mind and body turned me into some depressed knockoff sonic. I couldn’t sit and not in a hyperactive sense, but in the sense that the inner tension was pushing me into a state of constant pacing or activity. When I’m depressed, I tend to cling to escapism to try and ride out the gloom. During a mixed state, escapism takes on a frenetic quality. I have the energy to do things and need to vent the restlessness. And, I have the impulsivity and lack of mental clarity to launch into clearly stupid endeavors as if they were the most logical thing in the world. Mixed states are like running down a steep slope while sleep deprived. Gravity is pulling you forward, so stopping quite literally isn’t an option- even as your body screams in exhaustion. To people externally, you look like you’re simply a runner- you’re not curled up in a puddle of tears like the titular picture of depression. But, internally, it’s all still there- the apathy, the misery. Except even you don’t necessarily have a moment to focus on the sorrow- because you’re too busy half tumbling down the mountainside.

(¹Individuals with depression (namely MDD) and individuals with bipolar disorder can both experience ‘mixed-features’ during depressive states. The difference is merely that individuals with depression don’t have separate manic episodes. Basically, both disorders suffer from depressive phases and those depressive phases can sometimes come with ‘mixed-features’.)

[3] Psychotic features (‘psychotic depression’) Depression with psychotic features is very different from the psychosis in schizophrenia. Psychosis itself is not a disorder, it is a symptom cluster in which the brain loses contact with reality. Psychosis generally presents with delusions (thoughts or beliefs that unlikely or untrue) and/or hallucinations (these can be visual, auditory, tactile, etc. or a combination).

The difference between depression with psychotic features, and schizophrenia is that individuals with schizophrenia experience psychosis even when they are not depressed. An individual with MDD with psychotic features experiences delusions and/or hallucinations only during their depressive episode.

These delusions and hallucinations can be mood congruent or mood incongruent. That’s a fancy way of saying they can either relate to depressive themes (death, personal failure, guilt, etc.) or they do not relate to depressive themes.

A more ‘typical’ example of psychotic depression would be an individual with the symptoms of depression (low mood, lethargy, feelings of lack of self worth, hopelessness) alongside psychotic features such as being fully convinced they are to blame for an event, or that they are going to die of a disease.

{ III } Reasoning: Where we see it in the book

[1] Depression in general Strahd, in general, is a rather blunt, deadpan, and nihilistic person. He’s an introvert, whose sense of humor generally consists of dark cryptic jokes or dryly bitching about some aspect of life. However, despite his- and most Barovians’- gloomy predispositions, there’s still a distinct difference between ‘Strahd just being Strahd’ and ‘Strahd is currently a dumpster fire’. (I.e., we can’t simply pawn off his ‘struggles’ as mere quirks of personality).

Furthermore, Strahd’s depressive issues are not isolated to after Barovia was slurped into ravenloft. Tatyana dying wasn’t simply what made him sad for eternity. This issue, was preexisting.

The following quote from I, Strahd (1) is a solid foundation for where the depression factors in before the fall of the demiplane:

“…my passion for war and obedience to duty had swept me from the home of my childhood, never to return. I had not seen my younger brother Sturm grow up, or been there for Sergei’s birth or for any of the thousand other joys that a man might take from the heart of his family. I had not even been able to attend the burial of our parents, four years past. Their deaths had occurred during the height of a particularly close and bitter campaign, and I could not be spared. I’d yet to see their graves. In some part of my mind, they were still alive as I’d last seen them three decades ago; Sergei’s presence had driven home the fact that this was not true.” (I, Strahd, p.64-65)

In the early book, before Tatyana is even in the picture, Strahd has a tendency to go on these wordy internal monologues about rather dark topics or observations about his life. He also has a pattern of these smatterings of melancholic, irritable, or angered internal commentary all cast in a very nihilistic haze. In a sense, there’s a lot of documented intrusive thoughts or preoccupations that get stamped aside to deal with whatever bullshit he’s currently tackling.

(And remember, as this is his journals’ narration, he’s very actively describing his thought processes from recent experiences. Along with scribbling down side commentary in his usual, rambling, stream of consciousness style.)

The quote I chose above^ is from an exchange between Strahd and Sergei. It’s one of their first times really ever speaking with each other one on one since Sergei’s arrival. It mostly consists of the pair making small talk about snippets of their past apart. Strahd, being Strahd, kicks the conversation off with a very dry joke about their dead parents. From there, it’s mostly downhill internally even as the spoken and external aspects of the conversation are rather mundane. It’s several pages of deadpan bitterness mostly consisting of commentary on their differences in upbringing and Strahd remarking on how, in comparison, he’s really lost a lot of what Sergei has (namely innocence and the ability to produce serotonin).

Exchanges like these are what I know a lot of people read as Strahd being self-absorbed, whiny, and self-pitying. And that’s exactly what it is! Except, the cause isn’t fully just selfishness.

By the start of I, Strahd- our titular future dark lord has come off of essentially a lifetime of combat and into the static peace of a dawning rulership. He’s spent a lifetime shoving things aside in order to keep moving forward. Now, those thoughts are catching up with him.

For, indeed, the exchange above blatantly admits that he’s barely even processed the death of his parents four years ago. Sergei's arrival is merely a catalyst after what has likely already been a steadily declining period for Strahd. Sergei puts into perspective a lot of things he’s never dealt with- and does so amidst a period where he’s already beginning to backslide. After all, It’s hard to try avoiding thinking about your complete loss of innocence and loveless childhood- when you’re standing next to the family member that isn’t traumatized.

As a person with depression, I can vouch firsthand for how self-absorbed one can become. And whiny. And self-pitying. You get stuck in your head as everything begins weighing you down- to the exclusion of the outside world. So, as ‘whiny’ as his exchanges can appear, they’re understandable. These are his inner thoughts and ruminations on topics which are already deeply depressing on a normal level. And the ruminations spiral further and further out of control as the book goes on.

[2] Mixed-features From this point on, things go downhill- and go downhill fast. His side-commentary rants grow more and more frequent as he begins to ruminate further and further on various topics. Externally his mood takes a bit more of a sour turn, to the point that he even notes the vaguely concerned commentary of others.

By the time Tatyana enters the picture, he’s stuck in his head. After she’s on stage, his behavior becomes objectively abnormal and worrying. He becomes obsessive, to put it mildly, and erratic.

In mixed depressive states (and in hypomanic/manic episodes for bipolar folks), there’s a symptom cluster I’ve held off on covering until now (for dramatic effect, ofc): - Increase in energy or goal-directed activity - Increased or excessive involvement in activities that have a high potential for painful consequences

For those in a mixed-feature depressive episode that suffer from these symptoms, you’ll see an ability to commit to and methodically complete some goal. They’ll have the energy to do so and do so with almost neurotic abandon. You’ll also see them plunge into extremely risky activities or set off towards goals that are clearly a very bad idea. The way I like to describe it is that, in such a state, self-control goes out the window and everything seems like a totally plausible and great idea. It’s like removing the brakes from a car that’s heading down a mountain. There’s no real stopping. There’s just steering towards whatever looks best.

I, Strahd, Part II, chapter 4 is possibly the best unintentional literary portrayal of a mixed-features depressive state that I’ve ever come across. We see him obsessively working to find some sort of magical solution to his Tatyana problem. The recounting of this event coincides with a stream-of-consciousness commentary that grows more out of touch with reality by the minute.

It begins with a blowout fight between Strahd and Lady Illona. Lady Illona attempts to confront Strahd about a previous blowup he’d had over Tatyana and Sergei gifting expensive jewelry to a peasant. The previous exchange had already been uncharacteristic of the man but his fight with Illona- though it openly ends with minimal damage- was internally out of left field.

“Anger such as I’d never known before burned through me from the bones outward. I felt that if I held on long enough to the chair arms, they would kindle into flame from the heat.” (I, Strahd, p. 121)

His rambling internal thought process transitions from his irritation with Tatyana to a convoluted path of fractured logic. I’m going to give you a very janky outline of the thought process which spans the first 5 pages of the chapter, to exemplify the racing thoughts and erratic behavior:

Tatyana+Sergei give necklace to peasant -> peasant may just be taking advantage of their charity -> [insert spontaneous angry outburst] -> [Insert another spontaneous angry outburst] -> she shouldn’t have done that because it was stupid and I also gave them the necklace -> she’s naïve and needs guidance from someone that’s not an idiot -> You know whose also an idiot? Sergei -> yo sergei might actually just get completely shivved for being too nice -> God that’d be really sad for Tatyana -> damn they’ll be leaving after the wedding -> I could convince them to stay -> god I’m fucking jealous of Sergei -> God I really like tatyana -> [>out-of-nowhere paragraph about crippling depression<] -> one page of random observations about the castle rn -> Alek fun facts -> you know what alek got me once? Books, magic books -> [*Immediately tangents off to go neurotically study them*] (I, Strahd p. 119-124)

Strahd is a strange person overall. However, he’s not this strange. Not consistently, at least. In the book, before Sergei and Tatyana were on scene (i.e., before his mental state began to tank), we really don’t see any behavior to this degree of unhinged. The writing itself also physically becomes increasingly more erratic as his mental state declines. The way his prose is structured, especially during Part II, Chapter 4, fluctuates rapidly between rambling paragraphs with barely cohesive themes to short staccato sentences of random thought and observation.

(TL;dr: he wasn’t this weird before. This abrupt shift is abnormal and is telltale evidence that he’s in an altered mental state)

[3] Psychotic features I hesitated adding the section at first, because this is where the lines between reality, psychosis, and magic blur. However, after a great deal of agonizing over my Word doc, I decided to keep this section in.

Because of the nature of psychosis, and because the only recounting we have is from his point of view, we will never be able to truly know what was, and was not, the product of The Dark Powers (TDP). Specifically, this dilemma arises when discussing hallucinations. However, it can also be seen in certain delusions as well.

Before the point in the chapter where voices begin to speak to him out of the darkness, we do see signs of preceding delusional thought processes. This is yet another blurred line; as the racing thoughts and impulsivity of a mixed state and the beginnings of a truly delusional belief intermingle. The latter certainly evolved from the former. What was likely the impulsive internal ramblings of a declining mind evolved into a cemented believe that is utterly out of touch with reality. Of course, I speak of his obsession with Tatiana and his perception of her. Though, I think we can all agree that it worsened in warped closer to the wedding he drew. And, after the wedding, became irrevocably nonsensical.

What I do not term as delusion is his idea that resorting to dark magic was the best way to deal with his “Tatyana problem”. This more exemplifies the “rationally irrational” thinking of a mixed state. There is still a grounding in reality. Using dark magic is a realistic option, it does avoid having to actively do something horrid to other people (or, it did initially). However, it also runs the risk of irrevocably fucking him over in some unseen, cosmic way. But, this is where the impulsivity comes in. The brakes are off the car. That road looked like a good idea in the moment, even though he flew straight past the ‘cliff ahead’ sign.

““That’s a very old book, you should handle it more carefully.” The voice- coming from everywhere and nowhere- took me cold.” (I, Strahd, p. 129)

Throughout the rest of the chapter, and then the rest of the book, and then the next book, and, ultimately, the eternity of his existence– voices periodically surface during his deep depressive states.

I would certainly term the hallucinations, if that’s what some of them are, as mood congruent. They arise in moments of true despair or panic during his less than lucid states. Tatiana’s death, for example, elicits a truly horrifying internal cacophony of laughter and other skin crawling things. Indeed, these moments are among the most chilling across all of the Ravenloft Dark Lord novels. And, or certainly the most chilling and I, Strahd (1&2).

Strahd certainly suffers from depressive delusions, that is some thing I personally don’t see as up for debate. Indeed, this rambling paper alone barely scratches the surface of examples in the books.

Hallucinations, however, are lost in a grey area that even I cannot wholly detangle. So, the best we can afford is speculation.

(TL;dr: he meets the criteria for depression with psychotic features overall, but whether or not he hallucinates is up in the air)

Are they Hallucinations or TDP? I will keep this section short, because it is speculative in the end. And, I encourage y’all to puzzle it over yourselves, as it is a truly interesting dilemma.

Personally, I do think he may have moments of hallucination. However, TDP can easily latch onto these moments and make them far far worse. They can also keep him guessing as to what is him going mad and what is their meddling taunts. A lot of his ‘hallucinations’ are dark powers, especially during the events surrounding the wedding night. Afterwards, however, there are certainly moments that I could see being merely crafted by his own despair.

The second novel, one which I find to be the most entertaining comedy in the Ravenloft pantheon, begins with a suicide attempt.

I’m not going to recount this in detail or put quotes in, the novel is accessible online if you’d like to read in detail, however, essentially consists of Strahd throwing himself from a high place after the death of yet another Tatyana.

This moment is significant in Ravenloft 2e’s history, because it is the first time we learned that a dark Lord cannot die. However, is still a suicide attempt and the imagery and auditory hallucinations surrounding it are subtle enough to where they could very well be sourced merely from his own mind. And not the dark powers.

Suicidal Ideation in I, Strahd: War Against Azalin Rounding out on a happy note, I wanted to take a brief moment to talk about the aforementioned suicide attempt. In the latter half of the first novel, Strahd essentially spends several years in a deep depressive slump locked in his castle. Thoughts of despair are rarely far from the page, however, we never see any active attempts to end things. This changes in the second novel and sets an unsettling precedent.

In the grand scheme of things, his initial attempt takes place fairly early in the history of 2e Ravenloft. Indeed, he hadn’t even met the likes of Madam Eva. And this is worrying, because it sets a precedent of suicidal ideation and self harm practically from the beginning- long before adventurers even have an inkling of the mists, let alone find themselves ensnared by them.

Into “modern nights” he likely still struggles with such tendencies during depressive episodes. After all, Strahd is in an environment which actively seeks to eviscerate everyone’s mental well-being. Because of this, it would essentially take an act of god to wrench him from depressive cycling. But the gods cannot save you in Ravenloft, especially not in second edition¹.

And so, Strahd is left with probably the most unseen aspect of his curse: the inability to truly be free of despair.

== Sources, Further Reading, and Resources ==

🦇Ravenloft Sources: I, Strahd: The Memoirs of a Vampire. P.N. Elrod (1993) I, Strahd: The War Against Azalin. P.N. Elrod (1998) ¹Domains of Dread. William W. Connors & Steve Miller (1997) 🔬Non-Ravenloft Sources used: (I suggest poking the links in yellow for further reading if you're curious!) - American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). doi link - Hooley, J. M., Nock, M., & Butcher, J. N. (2021). Abnormal psychology. Pearson. - Koukopoulos, A., & Koukopoulos, A. (1999). Agitated depression as a mixed state and the problem of melancholia. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 22(3), 547- 564. doi link - Gillette, H. (2021, December 22). Agitated depression: Definition, symptoms, and treatments. Psych Central. Website link - Major depression with psychotic features. Mount Sinai Health System. (n.d.-b). Website link - Black, R. (2022, September 14). Psychotic depression: What it is and what you should know. Psycom. Website Link

🧠 Mental Health Resources: Feeling agitated, scattered, or having low mood doesn't necessarily mean one is suffering from a depressive disorder. Life is rough, sadness and rough patches are part of the gig. However, if you, or someone you know, are considering self-harm or experiencing suicidal ideation, you aren't alone. I am not a professional, but here are immediate resources: Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day at 800-273-8255. Text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

== My Obligatory Rambling Author's Note ==

Hey, congratulations on making it all the way through! Have a croissant 🥐 I've had this post in the works for... 2 years now? And I will say, I'm glad I waited to scrape things together. I've gained a lot of perspective and knowledge which has helped me hone this... rambling word vomit into a cohesive(ish) form.

"It wasn’t until college that I realized why I, Strahd had almost eerily familiar undertones to it all. Indeed, the prelude to that fated wedding gave almost a strange sense of DeJa’Vu when reading it for the first time in late high school. After I was diagnosed with bipolar II during the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I finally had the words and context to realize why things looked so eerily familiar. The sudden erratic turn to a goal or obsession out of left field, the nights spent feverishly, methodically, hurtling towards some clearly delusional doom as if it were the most logical thing in the world? I’d seen facets of it before many, many times. And I’d also seen the crippling, self-destructive, anguish of deep depression." (Scrapped draft, p. 9-10)

All of us have that one character in literature/film/tv that's just... special or impactful. Whatever arcs or journeys they've followed have somehow personally touched us and come at an important time in our lives. They're special in a way that's hard to articulate. Unfortunately, Strahd happens to be mine- and it's largely because of the everything^^^ mentioned above (minus the psychosis, I thankfully have been spared that struggle).

I have yet to come across another character that struggles with mixed-features in depression, to this degree. But beyond that, I also bumped into I, Strahd (and Strahd as an NPC via the CoS module) when I was in high school. This was a time where I was beginning to subclinically cycle through lowgrade depressive and hypomanic episodes. It was a very dark time, and that hot mess of an NPC happened to be one of the few things that was more of a hot mess than I was. As bad as things got, especially in early college before I was medicated, at least I never plunged my house into a demiplane- ya know?

It's strange what we take small comforts in. But, it's too late to pick a different one. I'm already too deep in the vintage Ravenloft book collection to turn back now. That, and, when you struggle with something oddly niche? You take the rep where you can. Even if that "where" happens to be a generally villainous dark lord with the social graces of a irritable toad.

Any ways, thanks for sticking with this! I know it's long, depressing (no duh) and a bit incohesive. I'm a dyslexic writer, so, cohesion can be a bit difficult at times. If I have time, I will do a part 2 on analyzing his illness' implications on the books (namely his culpability in stuff). And a part 3 on writing for/running this type of mental illness, if folks are interested. I've been running this strange creature for... many years now. And have good writing samples from pbp games i've run for folks looking for inspo on how to pull off the... the everything above^

- Catslug

#in this essay i will #strahd von zarovich #strahd #curse of strahd #ravenloft #dnd #dungeon master #ravenloft2e #catslug essay #dungeons and dragons homebrew

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xmybipolarmindx · 8 months

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September 26th, 2023: Sickness & Insomnia

Photo by Zohre Nemati on Unsplash Cold and Flu season is upon us, and my entire household is sick. I went home sick from work last Thursday and Friday around 2:30 p.m. because I had a bad cough and lost my voice, or I would have that sick crackly voice from coughing so much. I went to work yesterday and felt fine, but when I woke up today I had planned on going to work. I woke up at 7 a.m., like…

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writergallery · 2 months

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-Mood Disorder-

Constantly fluctuating

Creating a violent inner feud

Aggravating, agitating

I cannot supress my mood

Emotions are oscillating

Like a precarious swing

Mania converts to depression

It is undetermined,

What my next episode shall bring.

#writing #poetry #poem #writingcommunity #poetrycommunity #books #bibliophile #reading #author #aesthetic #study #studyaesthetic #publishedauthor #writers #schizophrenia #mentalillness #mentalhealth #prose #quotes

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 7 months

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Deconstructing Dieter Bravo: Part 2

If you haven't read chapter 25 of Destiny & Deliverance, do so before continuing with this post to avoid spoilers. 😉

Now that the story is starting to dive into what is going on with our dear Dieter, I felt it was time for Part 2 of the Deconstructing Dieter Bravo series to discuss the topic of psychiatric medication.

Just to be clear, this is not a post for or against the use of such medications. I want to put that out there before we get started. It is also a very high-level overview.

Most individuals that do not have experience with mental health struggles (weather that be personally or via someone close to them) do not realize the affects that psychiatric medications can have on the patient and further complications that they can cause during treatment, which is why I feel it is important to share some of this information.

While psychiatric medications are meant to help manage symptoms, they can also make things a hell of a lot worse. In many cases, the first medication isn't the correct medication or the correct dosage. There is a lot of trial and error involved in the process because everyone's body chemistry is different. Which means the patient is often left dealing with side effects that can range from minor to severe. Figuring out the correct medication and dosage for an individual can be a long and unpleasant process, which is why many give up on the use of medication all together.

There are six main categories of mental health medication: antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, depressants, anxiolytics, and stimulants. Each category is used to treat different types of disorders. Each come with their own set of side effects, but the most common are headaches, weight gain, dizziness, dry mouth, muscle spasms and cramps, nausea, loss of sex drive, constipation, sleepiness or problems with sleep, loss of appetite, and fast heart rate.

More serious and less common side effects are always a possibility too. Especially if patients are taking certain medications after being misdiagnosed (more about that in a later post). More serious side effects include nightmares, blurred vision, depression and/or paranoia, aggressive behavior, agitation, anxiety, personality changes, concentration problems, mania, suicidal ideation, and memory damage.

To complicate things further, psychiatric medications easily interact with other substances such as headache mediations, vitamins, and herbal supplements. It is important that the patient is aware of that possibility and ensures that their doctor is aware of all consumption habits. This includes ingredients in meals and drinks. It is also highly recommended not to mix alcohol with the majority of psychiatric medications.

Given all the possible side effects it is important that patients and their families/caregivers communicate to their doctor any changes they are experiencing with their bodies, feelings, and thoughts no matter how minor to avoid any further complications that could eventually result from continued medication use. Some medications take effect immediately while others can take up to two weeks or longer. Antipsychotics can take between six weeks to three months to get into your system and become effective. Therefore, obvious side effects could be delayed which is why it is important to continue to make note of any changes.

There are many long-term effects of using these types of medications such as organ damage and disorders like tardive dyskinesia (involuntary movements of various body parts). Therefore, it is very important that the patient regularly check in with their doctor and have regular blood work done to check on things.

It's important that patients find a doctor that they trust and that truly listens to their concerns so that no minor detail is overlooked. It is also important that patients and their family/caregivers are proactive in their own care, ensuring proper follow-up and tests are performed. Otherwise, important factors could be overlooked and lead to complications down the road.

Given this brief overview of information, it is safe to say that Dieter is experiencing both the common and more severe side effects from the medication he has been taking. There have been hints throughout the entire fic that his meltdown was slowly building, though it wasn't completely obvious. Which is the hard part about these types of things. It's often not an issue until it's bad.

There are some behaviors that could be a direct result of Dieter's diagnosis, while other behaviors could have been and were most likely exacerbated by incorrect medicating. That is just something to keep in mind as we work our way through the story.

In Chapter 27 we will get a formal diagnosis for Dieter and take a deeper dive into his disorder as well as how the medication he is on has created a perfect storm.

🌛Mysterious-Moonstruck-Musings

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