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drabblesbyjubs · 7 months

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Caress

Astarion x gn! Reader; your boundaries on where Astarion can touch you and where you can touch him have always been a little fuzzy, but he struggles to word what he means when attempting to simply tell you where he doesn’t want to be touched. He tosses out an idea, and the two of you explore your comfort zones. This could be seen at a pt 2 to Just Need Time, its very soft and fluffy, sort of building on that healing aspect.

Fluff, hurt/comfort, non-sexual nudity, some minor sexual content but no actual smut, trauma, Astarion’s backstory stuff, minor spoilers for Astarion’s story in act 3, minors go bye bye pls

I wrote this on my first day at my new job. This fic was born in the kitchens of a nursing home

Intimacy was always daunting to Astarion.

Emotional intimacy was close, it was vulnerable, it was a means to exploit. And it was terrifying. Physical intimacy was a task, something Astarion struggled to enjoy.

More than a few times he had feared you leaving him because he couldn’t provide the intimacy you deserved. He wasn’t always emotionally available, sometimes we was so apathetic he feared you would be disgusted with him, but there were some things he just couldn’t care about. Even if he wanted to, caring was vulnerable, and it wasn’t allowed. Survival of the fittest.

He was next to never physically available for intimacy; either he completely zoned out before you even got his pants off, the thought of a hug lingering too long sent shivers down his spine, or a hand on his hip pulled a fear response from him, making his whip around to face you, ready to push you away.

You were so understanding that it hurt.

Never once did you judge, never once were you angry or upset. That was almost worse than you being angry; just not knowing what you were thinking. The uncertainty was horrible.

Uncertainty over how you thought of him, uncertainty of where he even liked you touching. Sometimes your soft, romantic touches made his heart soar; they were safe, there was no fear, no ulterior motive, only you, at face value. He loved those times. He wished he knew them more. There were so many little places he was and wasn’t okay with you touching him, he couldn’t even keep track of them.

Maybe it was worth finding out.

“Darling?” Astarion approached your tent, and you looked up from the book you had been reading, smiling when you saw that handsome face you’d come to love.

“Astarion,” you greeted, setting down your book and standing to meet him. He hugged you, and you held him close. It seemed he was feeling a little touchy today, and you didn’t mind one bit.

“I wanted to talk. Is… now a good time?” Astarion questioned. You felt a pit of nervousness in your stomach; he looked serious.

“Of course, come with me.” You said, leading him in to your tent and shutting it behind you. “What’s wrong?” You asked.

Astarion grabbed your hands tenderly, and you felt nerves twist in your belly.

“I know I haven’t been the best to you.” He began, immediately filling you with doubt and confusion.

“Darling, of course you-“

“Please.. let me get this out.” He gently kissed the back of your hand, and you shuffled nervously.

“I haven’t been the best to you. I’ve been reclusive, and I know you deserve better. The.. the thought of losing you is terrifying. I want to be more open, give you what you deserve, I just… dont know how. I… have a favor to ask of you.”

You gulped nervously. This didn’t seem like he was trying to break up with you… but the way he spoke in such a self deprecating manner, it was so concerning to you.

“What is it, hun?” You asked.

“I.. want you to help me learn where I can and cant touch you. Where you can and cant touch me. I suppose I… just want to admire you. You tell me when and where it’s too much, and you do the same to me. Is… is that okay?” He looked up at you with those beautiful red eyes.

“Like… like what do you mean?” You asked. “Whatever it is, im alright with it, but.. you may have to take the lead, show me what you’d like. Is that alright?”

“I… want to touch you. And want you to touch me.” He hesitantly explained, a shadow of doubt cast over him now. “I dont want it to be… sexual. I… suppose I want to find where im alright with you touching me. And where youre alright with me touching you.”

“Oh,” you said, realization dawning on you. “Oh hun, of course we can do that. That sounds like a great idea.” You kissed the tip of his nose and you smiled seeing the way the tips of his pointed ears flushed.

He smiled, that slight uptick to the corner of his lip, and the way his smile lines showed and his ryes warmed just looking at you. He was so, so beautiful.

You gently cupped his cheeks in your hands, thumbing over the corner of his mouth.

“You’re beautiful,” you muttered, and Astarion rolled his eyes, though his smile didn’t fade for a moment.

“I know. And wonderful, don’t forget.”

You laughed. “And wonderful.” You pulled him in for a kiss, soft and tender. Astarion melted in your touch, his hands lifting to let one wrap around your chest under your arms and the other card through the hair at the back of your head and gently hold you close to him. His lips moved over yours and both of your relaxed in to the kiss.

You pulled away after a moment, saying, “How do you want to do this?”

“Maybe… here, come with me.” He took your hand and lead you to the bedroll in your tent, the two of you sitting on it facing one another. He gave an awkward pause, clearing his throat and saying, “Could… I take the lead, then you take over?”

“Of course,” you say. “Do you want me to take anything off, or keep this all over our clothes?”

“Maybe.. leave our undergarments on, but take off everything else?”

“That sounds alright,” you said. “I have a blanket right there if you need to cover up.” You motioned to the blanket next to the two of you. Astarion nodded in confirmation, and as you began reaching for the hem of your shirt, he asked you, “May I?” He reached your your shirt, pausing before reaching your hands and waiting before moving on.

You smiled, the care and focus in his expression warming your heart. “Of course,” you said. His fingers hooked under the hem of your bed shirt, pulling it up and over your head. The focus in his gaze was wonderful, so careful as if he would shatter you with one wrong move.

He let out a little sigh when he had your shirt off and tossed to the side, as of he had been holding his breath.

“Beautiful as ever,” he whispered, so soft you hardly heard it. You nudged his shoulder with a little laugh. “Gods, Astarion,” you laughed, and he joined you. His hands cupped your cheeks, and he gazed lovingly into your eyes. You had never seen him so… soft. So vulnerable. It was almost like you were looking at an entirely different man to the one you had found in the woods after the illithid ship crashed, the one who had held a knife to your throat and threatened your life. And maybe he really was a different man, after all you had went through.

But he would always be Astarion, forever your little star.

Calloused hands softly traveled down your neck, closely watching you for any reaction. Down your neck, over your shoulders, across your chest. Over your hips and up your stomach, then to your back, scooting close to feel down the line of your spine, to your shoulders, and down your arms, until his fingers tangled in yours.

“Was that alright?” He asked. You nodded, giving him an assuring smile.

“Of course,” you said. You leaned up to kiss him, a gentle peck to his lips before pulling away. Your fingers danced feather light at the hem of his bedshirt.

“May I?” You asked, to which he nodded.

You pulled his shirt up over his head, watching his gaze fall to the ground. It had always made him a little nervous to feel so bare in such an intimate way, but you didn’t let your gaze linger on his body, instead starting how he did, cupping his cheeks.

You moved to trace over the points of his ears, and he laughed softly, relaxing in to your touch as your fingers carded through his hair.

You hands moved to his jawline, before slowly moving to his neck. You watched his smile fade and a more focused expression return. You tilted your head, and he looked to you.

“I’m not sure.” He said, almost as if having read your mind. You nodded; he’d always been iffy about any touch on the side of his neck that Cazador bit him on. You moved on without another word, to his shoulders and his chest. Neither of which he had any complaint over, you noted.

Your fingers ghosted over the muscles of his abdomen, and you noted how Astarion watched your hand with an intent gaze. You thumbed over the top of his pants before gently resting your hands on the small of his back. You looked at him, waiting for him to return your gaze before you asked, “Your back. Is that a no overall?”

He pursed his lips and looked away.

“That… may be situational. I dont mind sometimes, but others…”

You nodded and said, “Don’t worry, my love. I’ll ask you before I ever touch you there, alright?” He nodded, visibly relaxing.

You moved to hook your fingers under the waistband of his pants, once again looking at him for approval before continuing. He nodded, hut you said to him, “Use your words, hun.”

“You can,” he said. He knew you always preferred he be vocal about his consent, instead of implying it. It made it easier for you to judge when he really wanted it.

Sometimes it was hard for him to know when he really wanted it.

Nodding, you gently pulled his pants down, him lifting his hips to help you out. You hummed, seeing him in nothing but his underwear. He truly was beautiful.

Starting with his hips, you pressed your thumbs against his hip bones, before moving to his outer thighs. You felt him grimace a bit, looking up to him.

“It’s alright,” he quickly assured. “Maybe move a little slower, if thats okay?”

“Of course, I’m sorry.” You responded.

Making a note to move more carefully, you moved down to his knees, then his calves. You ran your hands up the insides of his legs, stopping at his inner thighs. He shuffled a little, saying, “I think this is fine.. just let me know before you touch me here, please?”

“Aye aye, captain,” you said with a light hearted smile, moving in to kiss him.

It was slow and sweet, and you felt him squirming a little under you with you leaned over him and your hands on his thighs.

When you pulled away, his hands went up to the waistband of your pants.

When you nodded your approval, he removed the clothing, mimicking your motions with care and attentiveness. He was so gentle.

When he sat back on his knees, you noticed something you handn’t noticed before; Astarion was hard. You looked away quickly, not meaning to be rude, but he noticed your gaze and pulled back, sitting on his bottom and pulling his knees up to his chest to hide himself. Hurriedly, he said, his words coming out in one long string, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I think I just enjoyed seeing you like this but I dont want this to be sexual and I dont think I can handle being touched like that right now, but if you want me to touch you I can, I just-“

You hushed him, moving up to place a hand on his shoulder and gently thumb at the skin there.

“Darling, hush now. It’s alright. Its perfectly normal. I dont want anything like that right now either.” You assured him, the nearly scared way he looked up at you breaking your heart.

“You… you’re sure? Im still sorry I got… excited, I guess, I promise it wont happen again.” He seemed almost desperate to convince you he was truly sorry, and you gently cupped his cheeks, tilting up his head to look at you.

“My love,” you spoke, voice nearly a whisper. “I promise, it’s alright. We wont be doing anything sexual tonight, and I’ll pretend this didn’t even happen. Okay? There’s no need to be afraid.”

He nodded, his eyes shining almost as if he was on the brink of tears.

“Okay,” he breathed.

You kissed him softly, which he returned after a moment of hesitation.

You leaned back in the bed roll, saying, “Would you like to continue?” He took a breath and nodded, that signature smile returning to his face, even if it was a little forced. His hands crossed your thighs, calves, giving you a cheeky grin as he squeezed your butt, you swatting at him and rolling your eyes.

“You’re sure you’re alright with this all? You haven’t mentioned anything to me about anywhere you dont like…” he trailed, settling next to you.

“I’m sure. If its you, im alright with anything.”

“What?” He said, looking at you. His expressing was one of confusion. “Why?” He propped himself on up his elbows, looking down at you next to him. “What makes me so special?”

You stared back at him for a moment, equally as baffled as him. “What makes you so- Astarion, love, everything. You’re the brightest light in my life, the reason I keep fighting, you’re my everything. I’ve seen the best and worst sides of you, and you’ve seen the best and worst sides of me. You’re the one constant in my life, and you’re absolutely wonderful. I-“ you trailed off a little, noticing the way Astarion stared at you with an unreadable expression; shock, maybe?

His bottom lip started to tremble, and he said in a shaky voice, “You… you mean that?” Before breaking down in to tears.

You stayed still for a moment as he cried, completely caught off guard, watching him shrink down in to the bedroll, but quickly moved to action and pulled him close, gently hushing him. “Shhh, shshsh,” you cooed, burying your nose in his soft hair and combing through the white strands. “It’s alright, hun, don’t worry. It’s okay.”

The way his shoulders heaved with every fresh round of sobs wrenched your heart, and you felt guilt swirl deep within you. “I’m so sorry, I-“

“Don’t,” he managed to breathe between sobs. “You mean it?” He sniffed, looking up to you with a tear stricken gaze.

“Of course,” you cooed. “I mean it all. You’re my everything.” You kissed his forehead, and he was wrecked by a fresh round of sobs, burying his face in your chest. You pulled him close and held him, rocking him softly as he cried. Your poor, sweet boy.

It may have been ten minutes, it may have been an hour. Eventually, Astarion’s breathing slowly began to even out, and his sobs became few and far between. Is a shaky, hoarse voice, he started to speak.

“Two hundred years. For two hundred years I was locked in that crypt.” Your fingers combed through his hair and his memories came back to him. “Cazador put so many horrible thoughts in my head. About myself, about the people around me. I never trusted anyone again until I met you. I never even trusted myself. A monster, I am, just a creature meant to feed off of the innocent. I haven’t been mine in so long.”

You started to speak, started to assure him that he wasn’t a monster, this wasn’t his choice, but you second guessed. Astarion being this vulnerable was… rare. So you gave him his moment.

“You’ve always been so trusting. I thought you were just stupid at first,” he laughed softly, and you rolled your eyes with a little smile. “But I realized that you are the only person whos ever put faith in me. Ever. At least within my memories. You’re… the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. So careful. So understanding. I dont understand why you care so much, but… thank you. And… I love you.”

Your heart was in your throat, choking you from the inside. You hugged him tighter, kissing the top of his head. “I love you too,” you breathed.

You placed your fingers under his chin to tilt his head up, giving him a warm smile when his eyes met yours. You leaned down to kiss him, pressing your lips against his and closing your eyes, feeling the way he relaxed in to your touch. Your lips moved together, in time as if this were practiced. You pulled away, and he gave you a little smile.

“You’re such a romantic,” you laughed. “It’s adorable. I love it.”

He clicked his tongue and looked away, though the little upwards tick in the corner of his lip gave away his stifled smile.

The rest of the night was filled with stolen kisses, little laughs, and sharing one another’s embrace. Astarion truly was something else, and he saw the same in you. You were the kind of dream he’d always held, a perfect lover who was kind and sweet. You were that. You had been next to him as he gained his freedom, encouraged him and trusted him even when you shouldn’t have. And he was so happy that you had made that choice, now.

Taglist

@adequate-superstar

@be-a-fish

#astarion headcanons #astarion #bg3 astarion #bg3 #bg3 headcanons #astarion fluff #fluff #hurt/comfort #soft

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wetslug · 1 year

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ive mentioned it briefly but i thought i'd elaborate and give yall the full story of How High School Me Accidentally Induced a Mental Disorder, if anyones interested and wants to learn from my folly

alright so its ~2014, im in grade 10, i've been Dx'ed with autism about a year now, and my depression is as bad as its ever been. basically everything sucked so my brain was naturally susceptible to just short circuiting and causing more problems in the first place

i think my first tics (which were small neck and eye muscle tics) were probably no fault on my own, because like i said my brain frequently Sucked at that time and this is a common age to develop tic problems. but at that time, i had multiple friends with tics, and as I love to research my own problems, I was looking up potential diagnoses all the time, and interacting with online content trying to find tics that looked like mine. soon, my tics were almost incapacitating, i had to modify my schooling because it was distracting to other students, i had pseudoseizures that would last for minutes, and my body was in constant pain because it was always twisting and convulsing. looking back at it now though, i realize that my tics HEAVILY mirrored the ones my friends had and the ones i read about/saw on the internet

i was misdiagnosed with tourettes, which was then changed to Functional Movement/Neurological Disorder, which is a bit of a catch-all term for certain neurological symptoms that can't be linked to an organic problem with the brain (i.e. your brain hardware is fine but software isnt working). a feature of FND is the symptoms often improve with distractibility (they decrease when you focus on something else), and are more suggestible than other organic-related disorders such as tourettes (though the basis of tourettes is still little understood).

why did my brain "decide" to induce problems?? some aspects I think that contributed: -humans are extremely social and are great at mirroring behavior -especially when that behavior is coming from people you admire i.e. your friends! -simply watching a motor movement can cause motor mimicry and automatic imitation (possibly through mirror neurons). this is a big help for most of the human experience.. except for this one -i was in so much mental pain that I appreciated (subconsciously) when people could physically see that i had a problem -humans like attention, this is normal !! again, when youre a shitty lil teen and your life sucks, sometimes it can be gratifying for people and doctors to worry about you

its been 9 years now, and i mostly have a handle on my FND (i will tic a couple times a day, moreso when i drink or too much caffeine), mostly by treating the underlying triggers (mostly my depression) and not worrying or giving it attention when i tic.

in retrospect, i should have been stopped consuming such content and effectively triggering myself immediately when i saw i was taking on those characteristics. but ofc i was 15 and a dumbass and didnt realize what i can see now. if youre a teenager, you know youre susceptible to mirroring behaviors, and you consume mental illness/disorder content or conversations with peers, i would be VERY careful about monitoring yourself and making sure you're not accidentally triggering yourself and taking on the same symptoms. its no fault of your own, it doesnt mean youre a 'faker' if it happens, and it doesnt mean youre weak. some tips i have to avoid this while still consuming said stuff; -i found written content (like blogposts) were less triggering than video form content -try communicating with friends online/by text/etc to avoid seeing their tics irl. without being a dick ofc its not your friends fault that your brain said Copy Paste -rather than research into tackling the tics itself, see if you can identify what may have precipitated it or seems to make it worse (such as stress, low blood sugars, etc), and try to work on that. see if it subsequently improves the secondary disorder.

OF COURSE IM NOT A DOCTOR DONT SUE ME ASJKDJKDAS IF U HAVE SUCH PROBLEMS SEE A DOCTOR

#if u have any questions feel free to ask yall know i love to overshare...obviously

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pillarsalt · 1 year

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hi hello ms pillarsalt would you mind sharing what kind of iud you have? i have adenomyosis and my cycle pain has been getting progressively worse but i am terrified of hormonal birth control bc all the pill type ones i was on as a teen gave me horrible stomach trouble like to the point we thought i had Crohn's disease. but im also scared of the copper one bc my body has rejected metal b4. basically if u have a hormonal iud can you comfort me that it wont make me constantly sick bc i would like to stop passing out from pain at work and nobody seems to want to discuss this type of treatment yk

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds terrible. As I'm sure you already know, I'm not a doctor and I can't tell you if getting a hormonal IUD will help alleviate your adenomyosis. I can tell you my experience with it, though. I have a Mirena IUD which is hormonal. Here is a screenshot from their website about the effectivity:

So right away I can tell you that before I had it installed nearly five years ago, my periods were heavy as hell. The cramps sucked of course, but the main issue was how much I would bleed and bleed. I would go through probably seven or eight superplus (heaviest) tampons a day and even have to wear a pad at the same time so I could get through a class without bleeding through my pants. I got it installed (usually they schedule it for when you're on your period so your cervix is softer), had a period for about a month afterward, and then my periods became so light that I didn't even have to buy menstrual products anymore. Basically there was a small amount of discoloured discharge that would signal that I was menstruating, with some very light cramps akin to when you ovulate. Now my periods are getting heavier again because I need to get it replaced soon, but apparently the pregnancy prevention aspect is still good for a couple years so it's not as much of an emergency as I thought (gotta find a doctor soon lmao).

I haven't had really any side effects that I could tell you about. I've had issues with mental illness since I was about 13 but they didn't get any worse with the installation of my IUD. Actually I'm doing better than I ever have in my adult life in that aspect. I haven't had any digestive issues like the stomach pain you mentioned, no weight gain or weight loss. My skin is clear almost all the time and I generally feel physically well.

Now, will it help with your adenomyosis? I think it's really worth talking to your doctor about. The hormonal medication in the device, Levonorgestrel, thins the endometrium, which is why I bled far less during my period while on it. The endometrium that builds up in the muscular tissue of your uterus and causes you pain may be lessened in the same way. This part of the website that states why some people can't use it concerns me:

Because 1. I don't know if or how much your adenomyosis changes the shape of your uterus and 2. if your stomach trouble was an allergy to the medication itself then you'll likely have the same problem here. Basically, you've got to find a doctor who will listen to you and talk this and other options out with you, because it's inhumane to let you keep suffering this way.

Good luck to you, I really hope you can find a solution. I know getting this sort of stuff figured out is daunting and feels impossible sometimes but don't give up. Do your best to find a women's health clinic or at least a female doctor. It's going to be okay!

#ask #mine #radfem safe

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wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i · 1 year

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currently listening to: pussy is god by king princess

the thing about writing smut is the fact that as a person, the only thing i can write about from specific experience is the feral aspect of anything related to subspace

when i write characters who are more bottomish, i try to involve a lot of holding back in the first part of the scene. a lot of not wanting their partner to win, a lot of not wanting to appear as needy as they are, showing eagerness but not the amount that they will show later

and inevitably not only failing, but actually making it almost impossible for them to hold back when they do, eventually, open up.

and the feral aspect doesn't mean they suddenly become dominant

it means they suddenly become significantly more compliant, or even worse than they were before. it's like something in their eyes changes, and there is a very clear shift where you can tell that if you asked them to do something very insane

like something that their normal thinking brain might usually be not completely interested in, they're suddenly ready to do it just because you asked

and every thing about their behavior shifts

there's like this desire to not just be with their partners, but to belong to their partner, to physically be a part of them, to be so close that they're almost under their skin

and i won't out right say that im getting all of this from my personal experience or my personal behavior but...uhhhh

anyway

so when i write my more sub characters, i try to think of the most feral girl behavior possible and write that

and when i'm writing this for other people, i try to make them feel feral too. it's not just about making them feel like the characters are enjoying themselves, the readers themselves have to feel and taste and fully experience every single movement from the dom in the story. it's holding back the amount of information they recieve at once, letting them read the hottest scenes and then pausing the moment to explain something slightly unrelated to the present moment

describing the devotion, or the hate, or the rage, and mixing it carefully with the very human arousal and attraction

so when i write these types of scenes, i try to go back through and really capitalize on the parts that make me gasp in surprise when i hear it read aloud, or the parts that make me grip something or blush when showing it to a friend. if i can't feel the description in my legs, it's not good enough.

so, for example, one of my favorite first indicators of this is involving a moment where the subby character is on her hands and knees, where her face is being caressed and the descriptions involve her breathing heavily but trying very hard to lower the amount of inhale/exhales through her mouth, or her eyes being very alert, her body extremely tense as she awaits the next move, and when the hand begins to move

she wraps her lips around their thumb, she stares up at them, maybe she grips her skirt or crawls closer, maybe she rests her head on their lap. all of this tells you she is begging, but there is no immediate dialog coming from her

i like to include a lot of humanity in these stories too. like it's not just about sex, especially in stories with characters who love each other. dom's don't know everything, no matter what literotica tries to sell to you. sometimes, they forget things, or sometimes funny things happen. and sometimes subs might get overwhelmed and have to stop, or something.

sometimes minds wander during sex, or sometimes people are a bit playful, or sometimes there is a moment where one or both of them needs a moment to rehydrate or be held. or sometimes life happens and it can be a great oppurtunity to involve it in the overall smut.

like in one of my fics, the thunder was so loud that the other character's claws (she's a werewolf, but human throughout the fic because i did not want the story to reach furry territory) extended, causing her to scratch the other. given the personality of both characters, there were two reactions:

the one scratched the other worried and tried to clean it up by wiping it up with her finger, and the one who was scratched very calmly put that finger in her mouth, which made both characters a tiny bit feral. (i read something similar to this somewhere and i was like oh my god that is so fucking hot, i have to figure out a way to include that in my stories)

that sort of stuff.

im definitely not a perfect writer, but i really work hard to make my smut feel like a tactile experience rather than a visual one.

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suddenly-i-kin-oikawa · 3 years

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Y/n Haikyuu Chronicles

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Childhood Friends AU ♥

Kids (3-10)~

You’ve lived next to each other for as long as you two can remember

Although he’s about 3 months older, you’ve always been close

You’re the one who got him into dinosaurs, btw. He didn’t want to watch Jurassic Park with you, but he’s always been a bit weak for you, lmao.

He had to physically pull you off of Yamaguchi’s bully’s and to this day you are proud as hell of it.

When you guys have a sleep over, he always says he hates cuddling and goes to sleep with his back to you, but always ends up waking up wrapped around you anyway

For like a year and a half you were taller than him, but then this asshole got his growth spurt

He’s so soft, omg, he always remembers your favorite snacks so he can get you them

He saves you spots next to him

Holds your hand so “You don’t get lost like the idiot you are”

(Super easy to fluster at this age btw, especially when he’s called cute)

Tweens (11-13)~

This is when you guys first started getting teased for being friends

You offered to only hang out with him after school because you knew he hated the attention

He rejected that idea and called you an idiot

Not too long after that is when he started snipping at everyone, to your great amusement

(”Aw, look, it’s Kishi and n/n, are you guys going on a date?”) (”Oh, look, it’s the kid that said he could date anyone he wanted then started crying when he got rejected.”) (”Oh my gosh, Kishi no.”)

Eventually everyone just left you two alone, though it didn’t stop some kids for forming a betting pool about your relationship

This mf sprouted like a god damned tree, you are unable to count just how many times he’s rested his arm on your head or looked down at you smirking.

You fix that though with a good elbow to his side when he gets cocky, the bastard.

Whatever, enough about his growth. You got taller as well, just nowhere near him. Your more feminine aspects starting coming in as well, which got you some attention from boys before Kishi scared them off.

This time is also when you two started volleyball. You as the boy’s manager and sometimes practicing with the girls and Tsukishima bragging to you about his big brother who played for Karasuno High.

You remembered your friend mentioning that he’s never been to one of his brothers’ games before, so you decided to get two tickets so you could surprise him!

That was the first time Kishi’s ever ignored you for that long.

It was the last day of school when he showed up at your house with your favorite snacks, drinks, your favorite (of his) dino plush, and a playlist.

You called it your Kishi Care Kit, he called you a nuisance

He spent the summer making it up to you

Teens(14-18)~

He did not want you to become manager of the team, at all. That’s probably the closest he’s ever come to begging

You still did it though, lmao

In your defense, you maybe kinda was still scared he’d leave you like he did in middle school again.

Anyway! This was also a good way of making new friends! Once you, Kishi, and Yama clicked, you never really bothered the make other friends.

This might also be your potential abandonment issues talking, but we’re not gonna go into that

However, no matter how many Kishi said you could do what you wanted, he found himself getting possessive.

Walking up to you and yanking you away from whoever was talking to you

Standing ominously behind you until the other person left

Verbally ripping apart the others person, you name it

Him being your childhood best friend, you might have ignored for a couple months but eventually you got tired of his hot and cold act and you two clashed

While you two were going back and forth, he said something he shouldn’t have and hurt you. You knew sometimes he was blunt, and borderline mean, but never to you. It hit harder then you thought it would.

You left before he could say anymore. He hurt you in middle school, and he did it again a year later. You should have left after the first time to save yourself the heart ache.

Throughout the entirety of your guys lives, you’ve always been the one to go to him after a fight. Not that you were wrong all the time, but you know your best friend. He probably one of the worse people to ever fight with because he doesn’t apologize.

Even after he ignored you for months on end and gave you those gifts, the words sorry never left his mouth.

You’ve always gone back to him, because he knew you would understand his short comings when it came the that flaw of his.

You’re not sure if you want to understand anymore

Almost three months later and countless awkward practices, he knocked on your window a little past 3 in the morning

You let him in, and you two are sitting across from each other. He’s staring at you while you hug Rex (the plush he gave you) and look anywhere but him.

15 minutes are silence goes by before he says anything.

“I’m so sorry, n/n.”

You hadn’t heard your nickname since before 7th grade

He apologized to you for multiples things

What happened in middle school, acting like he didn’t care, ruining your chances at making friends multiple times, what he said to you during that fight. It all comes rushing out and all you can do is stare at him because he’s rambling and his voice his cracking and are those tears?

You don’t bother trying to stop yourselves from hugging him.

Once he’s calms, you ask him why

Why did you leave me?

Why did you ignore me?

Why did you hurt me?

He explained everything, not leaving a single detail out. And then it was quiet again.

“I love you.”

“You do?”

“How could I not?”

Time-skip~

You two dated throughout high school, collage, and are still going strong

Of course, you’ve had your ups and downs, but you pulled through.

Your both busy with your respective careers, or the beginnings of one, but you always make time for each other.

You always sleep in his arms at the end of the day, you book tours at his museum specifically asking for him, and make it to as many of his games as you can. He also makes sure to wake you up with breakfast every morning with a kiss, eat lunch with you when your breaks sink up, and give you gifts

Just to remind you

It was when he blocked his rival scoring the winning point when he told you to look under your seat at the end of the game

You, confused, did so, embarrassed he was doing this on live television

Then you saw it.

And you had never said yes so fast.

@alto-march-of-death .... Im back 👉👈 WITH A GIFT I hope it’s not too bad, I wanted to surprise you so I couldn’t really ask for you opinion. I have been working on this for A WHILE and I’m so glad it’s done

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mousehole5000 · 3 years

Text

tgcf chapters 107 - 120 this is one where i give some Opinions. i do overall like hualian a lot but i have some quibbles

wait why am i still taking screenshots? i can copy/paste again afskldfjasad

It really was hard to tell whether people would feel happy after watching such performances. However, in truth, slaughter and the sight of blood did create excitement in people. Whether or not there was fear, after the initial shock was over, a rush of adrenaline would be produced in the heart- me watching horror movies

“Shi Qingxuan said. “Then, Your Highness, Crimson Rain Sought Flower! I order you to—to immediately strip each other’s clothing!” - djslkadjlsd WHY DID HE SPECIFICALLY SAY THEY HAD TO STRIP EACH OTHER THISALSKDJ is this a normal thing is it a wingman attempt what is happening

“I’ll tell you what it is,” he said softly. “To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” ... “Ming Yi asked, “What’s the biggest regret of your life?”- when truth or dare gets a bit too real

On the side, Hua Cheng was still only observing, and was already bored to the point where he’d changed back into his red robes. Then he changed to black robes again. Then to white robes. Almost every time Xie Lian looked back, he would be donning a different appearance, and with every new look there were different hairstyles, and different accessories, and different boots, and so on; sometimes playful, sometimes elegant, sometimes deadly, sometimes glamourous. Xie Lian was growing dizzy from all the colours and kept looking back, unable to look away. - THIS ISNT THE TIME HUA CHENG. YOURE PRIMPING. THE WINDMASTER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND YOURE PRIMPING

obsessed with xie lian not being able to figure out to use the windmaster’s fan and just. using it to SMACK

also windmaster??? whats going on??? :( i know some things from spoilers like who is not to be trusted but i really have no clue whats happening rn

anyways back to puqi shrine lets check on those kids also can we PLEASE get some funds for this restoration smh. hua cheng and xie lian doing mundane hard labor together to fulfill prayers.... :pleading:

jailbreak in the heavens 2: dig a tunnel

Sure enough, the moment Ming Yi put pressure on his shovel, a hole opened up before them. With the shovel raised, he burrowed crazily ahead while Shi Qingxuan, in the middle, cheered him on crazily. As the only non-crazy person, Xie Lian brought up the rear. That treasured shovel of the Earth Master was indeed magical, and with only a few strokes, a new tunnel of over ten meters was dug. - anybody remember mulch diggums from the artemis fowl series? this is much more dignified than that but i think this is only the second time ive read a character just starting digging a tunnel as a plot point

okay so much is going on i wish i hadnt spoiled who certain characters actually are for myself but i have no one to blame but me for a) not blacklisting spoilers at all and b) just having a little freefall through the tags. oh well. anyway heavenly college admissions scandal except way worse. the corruption extends to the heavens and the windmaster is having a very bad day

i guess we’re having a high seas adventure now?

im gonna keep it real im getting tired of how often we get told how handsome hua cheng is. i know its all xie lian’s pov and while im not terribly familiar with it i know what genre we’re working with and im assuming thats pretty typical. its something i dont much care for in general and idk maybe it sounds better in the original but ngl its starting to make me roll my eyes. love you goth king but god okay we get it.

i guess what i will say about hualian so far is that overall i like them and i like how they interact in general they have a lot of nice moments and they just genuinely seem to like each other which is really nice to see EXCEPT for when it actually comes to things that could be romantic or sexual which is a shame bc i dont think it has to be like this. again disclaimer that im only reading a translation and dont know everything might not have all the knowledge necessary to accurately criticize etc etc and im assuming a lot of this is expected from the genre (disclaimer to this disclaimer that i cant say that for sure its just based on things ive picked up about the bl genre over the years) but idk like xie lian was so distressed after their underwater kiss scene. it was kind of uncomfortable to read and maybe im being unfair i know his cultivation is based around abstinence or whatever but idk i dont care for it. and that scene alone doesnt have to be a bad thing like idk i guess its his first kiss ever (?) and it would make sense if he feels weird about it but i just have my doubts thats going to be addressed or resolved in a satisfying way. also im like. dude everyone is like centuries old. xie lian’s been on earth for 800 years. has he really never met or heard of a gay person during all this time? maybe he hasnt idk what he got up to yet maybe that’s actually a thing. also same thing with the reactions from the immortals to xie lian in a dress and characters like the windmaster like again you’re all centuries old and its not uncommon to be able to just completely change gender presentation. why are you all weird about a man wearing a woman’s dress? i just feel like that shouldnt be a big deal to these characters idk

also again not going to lie part of this that im not really a big fan of reading romance in general. yes i am reading this book. yes i do read and write a lot of fanfic that includes or centers romance. im multifaceted. but really what im talking about is the like physical side of it and descriptions im extremely picky about it. ill give an example. early on in the torture pit (or whatever it was called i cant remember lol) when xie lian kind of accidentally felt up hua cheng in the dark when he was being carried. i dont think thats a bad thing to have happen between the two romantic leads i think thats fine and good to include that early but i just did not enjoy reading it when it happened idk maybe it was the wording and i do think that moments like these work better in a visual medium. ive definitely read het romance that reads like this and i wasnt a fan of that either lol same with fanfic i get tired when writers go on and on about how hot one characters finds another character. this isnt a huge criticism of it like i said im picky but again like with the way that hua cheng is described it just makes me roll my eyes sorry kings

okay back to the reading. this whole saving the fishermen thing feels like a big set up for something narrative-wise. hua cheng specifically insisted on coming and i know one of the characters involved ends up dying im wondering if thats now it would be a good time tbh if things get just a bit too unfortunate during this heavenly calamity... and the brothers are notably not having a harmonious time... also tho it feels very likely we’ll just have another Hualian Moment (tm)

In such a situation, Pei Ming still acted the same. In the evening, when they rescued a few fishermen girls, so scared their eyes were blurry from tears, he held them in his embrace and soothed them with a gentle voice; a true show of honeyed romance, affectionate and charming. - pei ming please get pickled again.

also its funny that hua cheng is just kinda hanging out and everyone else just has to deal with it

Looking down from above, the entire area was painted in a terrifying black. It was easy to see the collision between the two different-coloured currents. Their fierce battle was what formed this enormous whirlpool. As the eye swallowed the ship whole, the two currents of water separated. However, the battle was far from over. Like two venomous vipers, they continued to snap at each other. Each collision was followed by a mountain of angry waves. - this pretty dope ngl. also love our wind and earth masters just chilling on a shovel i dig it. hehe

Yet, other than discovering Hua Cheng had a fine body, there were no other finds. Xie Lian was at his wit’s end and started to worry. - okay see this one’s funny im just also irritated bc im like WE KNOW!!! WE GET IT HE’S HOT AND XIE LIAN THINKS HE’S HOT OKAY GOT IT

okay kiss #2 again its not the kisses themselves its xie lian’s reaction it just bothers me idk im not saying i need him to be super into it and completely unconflicted about it rn but he’s just so freaked out about it and idk i just dont really like it just feels weird i dont care for that aspect of it. also dude hua cheng is a ghost and he did this exact same thing for you before just chill. i wish instead of xie lian literally running away while screaming that hes sorry he was just like “oh haha youre fine thats cool im gonna go look around the woods i dont feel weird about this at all haha” like idk its kind of funny but when its literally our two romantic leads i just feel like its confusing like it kind of makes me feel like they shouldnt be together if one of them freaks out this much again considering the fact that they are both CENTURIES old. i know i know xie lian is an 800 year old virgin but. he hasn’t been like this about anything else so yeah idk like it still could have been awkward and funny i just dont think it needed to be so :/ that being said it was funny that xie lian was then internally like “oh i did it wrong? perhaps i should ask him for more.. instructions....” if that actually happens i might like it bc it would complete this little watery theme

Before he finished, he immediately remembered. Coffin wood. There were trees here everywhere; and a deceased? There was one right before his eyes. Sure enough, Hua Cheng smiled. “Won’t it be fine once I lie inside? - love that hua cheng just sat on the fact that he can turn anything into a coffin. that would have been really useful information earlier but no he just waited until everyone but xie lian was gone afjaklsdjf

also i do think that oblivious xie lian thinking “wow whoever it is that hua cheng fancies is an idiot for not liking him back theyre totally taking him for granted :/” is kind of funny and sweet. actually the whole conversation they have at the campfire is good and im bookmarking it to think about later

“...You on top and me on the bottom,” Xie Lian replied. “Isn’t top and bottom the same?” Hua Cheng asked. - okay im sorry but. mood whenever theres discourse about top/bottom dynamics for a ship im just like jesus christ i dont care. tbh i rarely read fanfiction if its just sexual and ngl if i see a fic specifically tag characters as top or bottom i wont read it lmfao. especially when people have really strong opinions about this stuff when theres nothing canonical to back it up like headcanon all you want but whenever i see people argue about it im just like no offense but go work out your own sexual issues and dynamics instead of arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s a top and who’s a bottom. sorry to be mean but just thats how i feel lol

this was mostly a ramble with a few excerpts but im getting sleepy im going to TRY to take a break from this for like a day but we’ll see how that goes i do very much want to know what happens. anyway if you read this whole thing hiiiiii sorry for subjecting you to my opinions on top/bottom discourse

#minors dni #reading this is weird its like wow this is pretty great actually im having a blast #and then there's these moments that are like...... hmmmm.#idk they havent been awful i just think theyre :/#still funny tho ill give it that #tgcf liveblog

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ainchase · 4 years

Conversation

very very rough translation of Elesis/LuCiel Epic Quest with Rosso

rosso: everything related to the protection of El is the masters and the priestesses' responsibility. you stay out of it.

ciel:??? dude wtf we

1. restored the el

2. fought against henir zealots

3. saved your fucking ass

rosso: yeah I can see just how ugly everything got if people like you guys were helping out

lu: !@$!@$Y#$%@#$

elesis: okay well w.e we gon go ask denif then

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

rosso: I SAID STAY OUT OF IT

lu: in case you forgot we beat your ass in varnimyr

rosso: yeah it was like 13v1

elesis: Alright, let's say that even someone with a demon's blood can be come master. Why did you become one?

ciel: yeah did you become master cuz you had some ulterior motive with the el or something

rosso: are you fucking kidding me right now

elesis: yeah why do you insist on going to the demon realm all by yourself? you know, other masters had to stay behind and let us go to the demon realm cuz they had to protect the el. you dont look like you care about that

rosso: others can protect the el. I can handle the demon realm by myself.

elesis: why do you want to go alone so bad? what's your hidden agenda?

rosso: what about you guys? why do YOU want to go back to the demon realm so bad? You find me suspicious cuz Im half demon and I want to go back to the demon realm?? How's that any different from you guys

rosso: you guys have a half demon AND a full blown demon. You guys are more suspicious than me

lu: what did you say you lil shit

we went through all that shit for a reason

rosso: Im saying that we did the same for Elrios as well. We did a lot of shit to protect this world

rosso: doing shit to save the world aint a competitive sport

elesis: why are you so fucking uptight

lu: what do you mean? this fucker is just crazy

ciel: I see. if he really meant harm, then he wouldnt be this defensive against us from the start. it's better to back stab when he has our guard lowered

elesis: yeah see how hes like threatening us physically but answering every single one of our questions? its like hes doing doing his bare minimum to make us understand

elesis: you just really want to stop us from going to the demon realm, huh

rosso: gdi

rosso: what makes you think you guys have to go to the demon realm?

elesis: in order to stop the Order and fully restore the El, we need the Dark El.

ciel: You're not entirely wrong. It doesn't necessarily have to be us to find the Dark El.

ciel: but think about it logically. There's no other team that's more suitable for this mission than ESP. Isnt that true?

rosso: I...

elesis: you alone doesnt make a team. You have a ridiculously low success rate if you jump into the battlefield by yourself.

elesis: i mean sometimes you gotta make 5 teams each with 2 people but uhh

rosso: I dont give a shit

elesis: right back at ya, ESP is under the velder kingdom. we dont have to listen to you, a so-called higher up from a kingdom long gone

rosso: that place is an abyss. none of the shit like order and process work there

rosso: wasnt it enough to lose your brother to the el once?

elesis: :tears:

ciel: you talking like we're going to demon realm to die

rosso: look, if everything worked out the way you plan, then the El wouldn't have exploded in the first place

rosso: going to a world where there isnt El or the influence of the Goddess means you have to be prepared for death. You guys have way too many things to lose to do that.

rosso: you have a shit ton of precious things to protect and yet you want to drive yourselves into danger? you've gotta be kidding me

elesis: so what, are you saying youre going to sacrifice yourself in our place cuz you got nothing to lose or something?

rosso: Im just trying to do my damn job, stop making shit up

lu: wait so you been spewing shit to us just so you can--

rosso: --I SAID STOP MAKING SHIT UP

ciel: I mean if youre that worried about us, how about you come with us?

lu: lol if it was something like that, you could've just asked honestly from the beginning. I could've pulled some strings for ya

rosso: I swear Im going to kill you

elesis: well of course I dont want Elsword to involve himself in dangerous things, honestly

rosso: and yet you...

elesis: but this is the path we chose

elesis: a path that I chose

rosso: ...

rosso: I dont give a flying fuck on what path you chose

rosso: if you insist that much on going to the demon realm, then there will come a time when you have to make a decision

rosso: whether you have conviction, act recklessly or not, at the end of the day, if you got something that you have to choose over the other, it'll definitely hold you back

rosso: you didnt want to sacrifice your brother so you dragged him out of the El. Are you trying to die for him?

lu: what

ciel: what are you trying to say

rosso: how much more do I have to explain

ciel: why are you thinking complicated things when they didnt even happen yet

rosso: what

elesis: what

ciel: so youre saying, to go to the demon realm, we have to cut all ties, get rid of all worldly possessions, and jump in there all alone? you can think however you want, but I dont agree with that

ciel: it just looks like youre threatening us, like asking if we're ready to give up our lives for someone else in hopes of stopping us but

ciel: from the moment we decided to get elsword out of el, we already made up our mind

ciel: even if someone's life is on the line like you said, then I'll survive no matter what. Knowing Lu doesn't want me to die, I can't afford to lose my life.

lu: :tears:

rosso: the fk is wrong with you guys

lu: ciel's right

rosso: what

lu: we almost wasted our time worrying about useless shit. You got viscerally upset when I said we have to return to the demon realm to keep a promise

lu: if you think trying to survive is more important than trying to keep a promise, then how come you dont practice what you preach?

lu: dont you also value promises and conviction more?

rosso: Im different. I've been given a power.

elesis: youre so fucking stubborn i cant even

lu: me and ciel are bound by a contract. I might have considered what you said if I wanted to go back to the demon realm just to exact my vengeance.

lu: if something happens to me, I might not be able to save ciel

lu: but I still have to return because someone loyal to me is still there

lu: I mean its kinda meaningless to compare him with ciel, but as long as we've made our promise, winster is my people as well

lu: I forgot, for such a long time, what it's like to lead people, to take care of those who follow you

lu: why do I want to go to the demon realm?

lu: Im returning to reclaim my stolen throne. I will save my people, fulfill their wishes and at times punish them if I must.

lu: who's to stop a lord from returning to her domain to do what is asked of her?

rosso: :glare:

elesis: we already experienced a time when we had to make our choice, like ciel said

elesis: we made up my mind to go through even the most impossible things together

rosso: :rollingeyes: Im an idiot for trying to persuade a group of idiots like you

lu: do you finally feel like explaining things now

rosso: dont get your hopes up. Im only telling you cuz I know you idiots cant use this method

ciel: I think Im slowly getting used to his abrasive tone, after listening to it for so long. Okay, we won't think you've admitted defeat after you were persuaded by us, so just tell us

rosso: listen you little shit

rosso: Alright. Remember when I said I was suppressing the fire el's power with demonic aura?

rosso: the power of fire is much more difficult to control than other elements. there are enough of those who burned to ash because they couldnt withstand its destructive power

rosso: rosso clan was always trying to produce a master of fire, and decided they'll need a new form of power to suppress the power of fire el, for example...

rosso: something completely different from the el's power. Like a demonic energy.

elesis: they did what now

rosso: it's not much of a stretch to say that no one knew anything about demons back then. from their perspective, i was just a kid with a strange power.

rosso: of course I didnt have much as an actual demon, but my intrinsic demonic power was good enough for me to be a subject of their experiments The red eye was transplanted into me, and I was able to control the power of fire.

rosso: ...it wasn't without an accident, but in any case, the power of fire and the demonic aura are constantly at a balance inside of me. When one of them disappears, the other goes rampant

rosso: on the day we all decided to imbue the el shards with our respective element, I was the most problematic one

ciel: I see... from the process of trying to transfer the power of fire into the el shard, the balance between your demonic aura and the power of fire crumbled...

rosso: chaotic continent, missing masters... if they had a rampant half-demon on top of that, Elrios would not look the way it does today

elesis: that's why you went to the demonic realm? so you wouldn't go rampant in elrios???

rosso: /shrug

rosso: as the el exploded, temporal rifts were created all over elrios, sporadically. the phenomena was worse near powerful el shards

rosso: I was able to cross into the demon realm thanks to those rifts. After creating the fire el, I jumped into one of those rifts before I completely lost my sanity

rosso: thats the end of my story. now do you see why I said you cant use this method?

lu: you...

ciel: the priestesses couldnt help you? though theyre not blessed in the combative aspect like masters, I thought theyre the same when it comes to using the power related to the el

rosso: the priestess system was still pretty new at the time. They were busy trying to learn from masters too. Creating the elemental el as inexperienced priestesses is like betting your life on it

elesis: why did you go to that extent? even you couldnt have guaranteed your safety when you jumped into the rift. Are you saying even that was part of your mission?

rosso: hmph, there's no one who can tell me to do that shit

elesis: the tower you were locked away in... didnt have an entrance or an exit, blocked off completely, enough for the power of fire which was trying to return to you could only circle around the tower itself

lu: you locked yourself in so you wouldnt hurt others

rosso: I told you everything you wanted to know, so are you happy now?

elesis: rosso, I really dont want you to go to the demon realm

rosso: are you looking down on me after hearing that sob story?

elesis: no it's not that, I just think I know how much you think its natural for you to sacrifice yourself

elesis: I think I know why Im concerned about you. You are similar to my brother.

elesis: I dont know what happened in the past, but... I think he made that decision because he thought similar things as you once did

elesis: you've sacrificed yourself enough. You banished yourself to protect Elrios. I cant even imagine what it's like to hold out in a prison made to imprison yourself for hundreds of years, but

elesis: elrios stands today thanks to the efforts you guys went through. you can leave it to us now

ciel: we're not as weak as you think we are

lu: I can see why you didnt want to tell us. It wasnt particularly helpful, but thanks anyway

rosso: youre really annoying..

lu: the sentiment is mutual

rosso: now fuck off if you're done talking. I have to do more control training

ciel: youre more diligent than you look

rosso: do you wanna die

lu: it doesnt look like you're completely healed yet

lu: you're having trouble controlling your power without the eye, are you not

elesis: so thats what ventus meant when he said youre training to overcome what you've lost

rosso: that pointy eared fucker

ciel: wait; you were having difficulty controlling? but you fought so well...

rosso: like I said, you guys cant beat me in an even fight

lu: I really hate this guy

#translation #elsword translation #im tired #rosso #master road #you're free to share this but please dont use them to create youtube vids subtitle #2na can do that

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ais-n · 4 years

Note

2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks

3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.

++++++++++++

Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.

I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.

More below the cut! :)

EMILIO’S ILLNESS

I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify?

TRAUMA

So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions.

One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.

I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/

I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available.

Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.

At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc.

If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:

Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem

Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm

Depression

Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus

Desperately seeks affection

And general symptoms:

Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence

An apparent lack of supervision

Self-harm or attempts at suicide

If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:

Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”

Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”

Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”

I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.

Boyd has some too, like

Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.

I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:

Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”

When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.

That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.

Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.

Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself.

I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.

You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults

I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.

Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.

Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.

Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.

The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin.

Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.

I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.

The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.

The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally.

I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical.

That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.

But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.

+ +

Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.

I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.

And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.

If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.

Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)

Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!

#ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #Anonymous

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fatedtruths · 4 years

Text

☀ FITZ HEADCANON 001 ☀ ▒ AUTISM

fitz was never formally diagnosed as being autistic . unable to wait for the NHS, it was expensive enough for his mother to get his iq tested when he was five and they couldn’t afford to get him evaluated for autism as well –and the NHS was also far too willing to put his behaviour down to his intellect. although his mother was told that he almost certainly was on the spectrum and it was also greatly believed by the psychiatrists he went to see and the people who tested his iq. however this means that it’s not in his shield file but he does fall on the spectrum. although he’s not particularly severe some people who have experience with autistic people have started to suspect most just put his difference down to a symptom of his genius intellect.

love of routine & hatred of change

the world can seem a very unpredictable and confusing place to autistic people, who often prefer to have a daily routine so that they know what is going to happen every day…….it may be difficult for an autistic person to take a different approach to something once they have been taught the ‘right’ way to do it. people on the autism spectrum may not be comfortable with the idea of change. ( autism.org.uk)

the most notable feature of fitz’s autism is his love of routine and his hatred of change. moving years and classes when he was advanced through the education system was stressful enough, although with the change to university first in Glasgow and then down in Imperial Collage and Cambridge was worse. Going to lectures and lessons, however, worked with him well –they were more or less the same every week and he could build a solid annual routine around them. the routine is also a reason why he likes electronics, physics, maths and mechanics so much because the way that things are built or worked out are methodological and in a specific order that doesn’t change. however, the change to the shield academy, sci-ops and then the bus threw him as well, the bus more than the other two because there was no routine on the bus at all. this is also why he refuses to switch from metric to imperial, from Celsius to Fahrenheit or to the Americanized way of spelling.

highly focused interests

many autistic people have intense and highly-focused interests, often from a fairly young age. ( autism.org.uk)

this aspect of his autism almost goes without saying, from the age of two fitz already had a love for taking things apart. when he was three he took apart the toaster and could name every type of car, plane and train. this interest in mechanics and maths never left him and his mother said from young age that he would end up doing something to do with engineering.

over sensitivity to sounds - sensory overload

autistic people may also experience over- (or under-) sensitivity to sounds, touch, tastes, smells, light, colours, temperatures or pain. this can cause anxiety or even physical pain…sensory overload : noise can be magnified and sounds become distorted and muddled. may be able to hear conversations in the distance. inability to cut out sounds – notably background noise, leading to difficulties concentrating. ( autism.org.uk)

when under varying levels of stress fitz often experiences sensory overload. when there are too many people talking, when he’s trying to think or trying to work he gets overloaded with ‘useless’ information and often gets frustrated and shuts down. this is why he’s known throughout shield for suddenly exploding and kicking people out of labs –even when he was in the academy. simmons especially realised very quickly that this happened to him and did her best to make sure that it didn’t happen as often as it could. for leo, being unable to concentrate is more frustrating than anything else and the frustration often leads to anger.

repetitive behaviour

repetitive behaviour may include arm or hand-flapping, finger-flicking, rocking, jumping, spinning or twirling, head-banging and complex body movements. you may also see the repetitive use of an object…or repetitive activities involving the senses. this is known as 'stimming’ or self-stimulating behaviour. although repetitive behaviour varies from person to person, the reasons behind it may be the same: - to gain sensory input: ie. rocking may be a way to stimulate vestibular system - to reduce sensory input: ie focusing on one particular sound may reduce impact of a distressing environment - to deal with stress and anxiety and to block out uncertainty -to pass the time and provide enjoyment. ( autism.org.uk)

leo does actions to either provide a tactile stimulation or an audio one; although it is normally the former. fiddling with clothes that he is wearing ( hence why he would rather wear cardigans or jumpers ), tapping his fingers off of a desk/his thigh or clicking a pen which is a mix of the two stimulants. he does it to calm himself down, to give him something familiar to concentrate on to help him think but also because he enjoys it. he associates the behaviour with being effective in his work. items such as stress balls, fidget cubes or elastic band are often on his person.

issues with communication

many have a very literal understanding of language, and think people always mean exactly what they say. they may find it difficult to use or understand: facial expressions, tone of voice or jokes and sarcasm some … will often understand more of what other people say to them than they are able to express. ( autism.org.uk)

with an iq of 192, his mother was warned that fitz might struggle to communicate with people but she already knew that this was true. he got frustrated with her easily enough when she didn’t understand what he meant when he spoke but as he grew older he got less annoyed with her over it. in truth this is as much a part of his autism as it is his genius iq. when it comes to talking to someone with an iq of under 160 he gets frustrated because he has to dumb himself down and also frustrated because why can’t they see what he sees, it’s EASY. it also took fitz a long time to understand sarcasm. although his humour is often dry and contains sarcasm he does have more issues in recognising it. on top of that he does tend to take people literally. when he says things like i would risk my life for you he is being very serious ie. aos; hunter: everyone drop everything. fitz: im not going to drop this it’s extremely expensive

lack of social interaction

many autistic people experience social isolation. this may be due to a range of reasons. for example……they may prefer to be on their own and enjoy their own company…..a bad experience in a social situation in the past may have been generalised and the person is now trying to avoid a repetition of this negative experience.. ( autism.org.uk)

for fitz socialising was always difficult, until he joined shield no one was as smart as him, and even then his iq was still one of the highest that they had ever seen, higher than simmons’. surrounded by people who could never be in his league before the academy, he often found that they had nothing to talk about and sometimes talking did more damage than good. being bullied to the point that he hated going to school was more than enough to make him not want to try to socialise anymore. he does like company but is also more than content by himself. simmoms was the first person that he didn’t mind spending all of his time with; the first person that he could spend all of his time with without getting frustrated and she convinced him to be more social and outgoing.

touching & personal space

fitz doesn’t like people touching him normally and only a select few are the exceptions to this; his mother, simmons, ward, mack, hunter, bobbi and skye/daisy. however it is unknown if this is because he was bullied physically when he was younger and he now fears touch ( repetition of negative experiences ) or if it’s because he has a mild over-sensitivity to physical touch. sometimes he can’t stand being touched by anyone but other times he is incredibly tactile, just like sometimes he suffers from sensory overload and other times he’s fine. since having a genius iq does effect his level of eq ( emotional quota ) there is no way to find out if it is because of his autism or because of his iq.

#[ FITZ — headcanons ]

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lightwoodsmagic · 4 years

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I get really frustrated when I see some larries completely disregard the fact that Zayn and Liam are also closeted when there’s so much evidence. I know you believe in both couples. How do you handle it? It’s just hard :(

Hi anon!

Oof.

This is a super complex question, considering the fact it’s 2:30am in Australia, but, alas, I’m gonna fucking tackle it anyway. Apologies for the probably disjointed answer. This is just my opinion and view.

I’m sorry that it’s difficult for you to see people disregarding Zayn and Liam, and Ziam.

You’re right; I do believe in both couples, completely AND equally. There are incredible similarities in a lot of aspects of both them as individuals, and them as couples. Zayn and Liam have both had very obvious PR relationships (especially the one Liam is in right now jfc), they drop hints all the time still (Zayn had a slit in his eyebrow just a couple of months ago), and I’ve said it before but I believed in Ziam before I believed in Larry. Zayn and Liam were incredibly obvious during One Direction, and at the moment, Zayn just isn’t in the public eye anywhere near as much personally, so there’s not as much opportunity for people to see as much as with Harry and Louis.

There will always be people who don’t like Zayn, don’t like Liam, and/or don’t believe in Ziam.

Look.

That’s their decision, their opinion, whatever. I don’t agree with it, but they’re always gonna be out there. This certainly doesn’t extend to every Larrie or person who doesn’t believe in Ziam or that the boys are closeted, though.

I love those boys with my whole damn heart though, so it can be tricky when I see posts alluding to Harry and Louis being the only closeted members of the band, or when people completely blow off something Ziam related that’s identical to something Larry related that they screamed about.

There’s a couple of layers to this, though.

As someone who believes in both couples and throws themselves in completely, it is A LOT. I’ve spoken to quite a number of Larries recently who have been very open and honest, and just said that Larry is a fucking lot to deal with on it’s own, and not everyone can handle what comes with also adding in a full blown investigation to Ziam.

It’s important to remember that that’s valid. No one should ever tell someone else what they do and don’t have the mental capacity to deal with. Larry is a lot, and all of the people I’ve spoken to have also then said that because of that, they don’t have a solid opinion because they don’t know the facts, or know enough either side. That’s also super valid, and a good thing, because some people are aware that they don’t know the ins and outs of Zayn, Liam, and Ziam, and therefore don’t contribute as much to the specifics really, even though they still love them. People can also 100% not believe in Ziam or not look into it, but still love Zayn and Liam. Sometimes Ziams don’t see it that way, and it’s just creates this vicious cycle of frustration and hatred amongst some Larries and Ziams.

I think, for me personally, the thing that frustrates me the most is seeing people who refuse to look into it, or who don’t know much about it at all because they can’t be bothered, then flat out refuse to accept any form or relationship or closeting even though they haven’t looked into it, and slam up opinion after opinion on them.

A lot of people don’t brush them to the side intentionally or maliciously, anon. They just love Harry and Louis and focus mainly on them, and there’s nothing wrong with that. People are allowed to have favourites. It’s the malicious people that are the worst, and honestly, they can just get the fuck off my dash. I’m in charge of curating my fandom experience and safe space, and so I do.

In terms of how I handle seeing people being outright arseholes about it? Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it’s so frustrating to see people think that Liam’s current relationship is real despite all the proven lies and cover ups and the fact they first got papped three days before Stack It Up came out. Sometimes it’s frustrating to see people say that Icarus Falls got basically zero promo because that’s definitely what Zayn wanted, even though his label did nothing and could’ve promoted the album properly without him being physically present and without making his mental health worse. Sometimes it’s frustrating to see people completely ignore anything Ziam related, even though often it’s just as obvious, or more obvious, than some of the stuff that Harry and Louis do.

But then I remember that not everyone has the capacity, time, or, honestly, interest to look into it. And that’s okay, because they recognise that there’s things they might not understand about the situation. The people I know personally are brilliant with this, and I’m always SO incredibly happy when they ask me questions about Zayn and Liam or Ziam, because it can be fucking daunting from the outside.

This fandom is SO MUCH sometimes; so much information, so many time lines, so many hidden messages and secrets and codes. Everyone has to start somewhere. I’m always happy to answer something that someone doesn’t know, because how is someone always just supposed to know everything from the start? There’s so much information to wade through and sort out, and it’s so daunting. For some people, starting to look into Ziam on top of Larry is intimidating, and that’s fair. There’s SO MUCH, so so much. Why would i ever tell someone to find something themselves or look it up themselves when that can be scary for someone, when I already know the answer? Im always happy to help!

I’ve waffled on, because it’s who I am, but basically for me, it boils down to this:

It can be hard to see people ignore the clear signals Zayn and Liam send, but for some people, the idea of Ziam isn’t something they’ve looked into because it’s daunting, or maybe they just aren’t particularly interested because Larry are their faves. It’s okay, though. Not everyone is always gonna just instantly come to the same conclusions all the time, even though I’m not personally sure how you could see everything Ziam related and not reach the same conclusion.

There are (at least, sorry Niall, I’m not sure) four closeted men in One Direction. Absolutely. And it is frustrating when people say there’s only two.

I just sigh, scroll on, unfollow if it’s bad, and continue to love Zayn and Liam and recognise their closets, because I can’t control what anyone thinks or believes. I also continue to love Harry and Louis and recognise their closets and what they’ve also gone through and are going through.

And love Niall.

I also continue to love the Larries I love, love the Ziams I love, and love the safe space in the fandom that I’ve found.

There’s a lot more to be said about this, but this is just my experience written at now almost 3am.

It’s not really great advice anon, and I’m sorry for that, but it’s all I’ve got 💕 feel free to come off anon and chat with me.

#anon

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slashiest-slasher · 5 years

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What would happen if a survivor caught trapper, micheal, huntress , and leather face being sweet on they're s/o during a trial?

you know how i kind of write stuff in notepad and then my computer says “time to crash!” and deletes everything?

yeah it happened again, but im also super depressed and have been barely able to work on anything lmao (´._.`)

Trapper

Evan… well he isn’t a very sweet, or gentle man. It was just his personality. He hadn’t even told you “I love you” yet, but you could tell that’s what he was saying when he patted you on the head. Words were not his strong suit, and you couldn’t exactly blame him for that.

He was beginning to get a penchant for trapping survivors in the basement, and you were no exception. Most of the time he would hook someone and just get it over with, but there were the rare instances where he would play with you before letting you go. Usually it would be a quick fuck, or petting down your hair.

Today it happened to be cradling your cheek in one hand, and running his fingers through your hair with the other. It was… oddly tender, almost loving. It might have unnerved you a little, but you couldn’t help but stroking the hand holding your face and staring at him blissfully. It was so quiet and peaceful.

Quiet enough that you should have noticed Dwight sneaking in down the stairs. Evan held you there for a few more moments, before lifting up the bottom of his mask and kissing you. And then, in a flash, he was after Dwight, leaving you in the dust. He ended up killing you that trial, like he always did.

And Dwight… Hoo boy, he refused to look at you the same way. Whenever he would talk with you, he would get this constipated look on his face. He never really brought it up, with you or any other survivors, but he found it hard to talk with you again after that. He would loosen up after you saved him, several times, but he always found some excuse to sit away from you.

Michael Meyers

Michael is a bit emotionally stunted. He doesn’t exactly show any physical affection, and he doesn’t really talk much either. Sometimes, it’s difficult to tell if Meyers even likes you. He tolerates your presence, but that’s about it. There are times where he might graze his hand against yours, but outside of sex, he rarely shows his soft side.

You were getting pretty busy looping Michael through a house without getting caught yet. You were his obsession, surprise surprise, again. It hardly shocked you, but if it got him off of everyone elses backs, then so be it. But you made the one, crucial mistake of hesitating to jump out of a window, and he caught you by the back of your shirt.

You were fully expecting him to haul you off to the nearest hook, but instead he just left you half hanging out of the window. It was uncomfortable resting on the windowsill, but how could you complain with Michael nestled between your legs, gently grazing his fingers down your face. He even folds up his mask to place a kiss directly over your jugular. It’s a terrifying rush, but you love it.

“Ay, what the hell are you doing up there?!” You loll your head back, and of course it’s none other than Ace mother fucking Visconti yelling up at you from the sidewalk. Shocking enough for you to slither out from Michael grasp, and gracefully roll off the roof, and into a bush. Michael is no longer in the window when you look up, so Ace grabs you by the wrist and pulls you away.

If you thought he would stay silently about the matter, you are sorely mistaken. On the one hand, he never lets you live it down, and taunts you about it constantly. It’s in good fun, but theres a part of him that’s vile and angry, almost betrayed. How can he trust you with his life if you were getting cozy with one of the killers. On the other hand, he spread it amongst the other survivor that there’s someone you’re sweet on. He, thankfully, doesn’t say who, but it something you have to deal with now.

Huntress

Ana really and truly can hardly ever keep her hands off of you. She’s a real handsy lover, and finds it comforting to anchor herself down with you wherever really. It can be cute at times, when shes begging for attention like an ignored puppy, but at the same time, she can become forcefully affectionate, inside trials as well.

Everything to her is a big game of cat and mouse, so running away and getting a flung axe to the back may hurt like a bitch, but it’s not out of malice. She hauls you over her shoulder and carried you to her shack. In the distance you can see another survivor lurking around in the grass and at that moment you know you’re screwed.

The moment you are hidden behind the walls of the shack, she plops herself down on the table, with you in her lap, and snuggles you for all she’s worth. If there was one thing Ana loved, is was nuzzling and rubbing her face in your neck. You know the survivor is going to be here anytime soon, and while you love getting attention for her, this is a bad look for you, so you struggle to get out of her arms. Just another aspect of the cat and mouse game she loves so much.

In a flash of light and noise, the room fills up with smoke, and someone herds you out of the room, and towards the open doors. It takes you a moment to clear the smoke from your vision, and it’s none other than your guardian angel, Bill, pushing you along. He’s more concerned about getting you out than anything, but his face is amused and you can practically hear his teasing.

Mostly everyone gets out, but at the campfire with Bill, he turns to you and lets out a laugh, teasing you about the odd way killers seem to act around you. How the Huntress was probably trying to kill you with mortification. You laugh along and agree with him, hoping that’s his true beliefs.

Leatherface

Oh man, if you thought that Ana would be bad with the physical affection, Bubba is even worse. Since he’s pretty much only a killer out of fear and being forced to by his brothers, Bubba isn’t a stone cold, emotionless killing machine. He’s a big baby and he has fallen hard for you. He’s going to want attention at all hours, and he sure as hell isn’t going to let you ignore him. He get unbearably mopey when you do.

He doesn’t want to dare hurt you when you’re in a trial with him, but he doesn’t just ignore you either. He wants a hug from you, usually, and he sure as hell isnt going to stop chasing after you until he does. This trial is no exception, and you woke up close to him as well, so you’re going to have no such luck trying to escape his grasp.

The moment his eyes lock on you, he comes charging like a homing missile, and chases after you. No matter if Quentin was only a few feet away from him, waiting for him to come near a pallet to throw down on him. You finally let Bubba catch up to you when you’re a good enough distance away, and he immediately throws his chainsaw down and sweeps you up into his arm and spins you around. You can only really wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him through his mask. Hell, he caught you, might as well treat him.

Quentin must not have really been looking where he was going, because he ran right into the two of you only a few moments later. He says “fuck” under his breath and makes a break for it. Bubba, in an instant, drops you, grabs his chainsaw, and goes for him. You, of course, have to save Quentin from the hook, and boy is he fuming about it.

A good amount of the survivors already knew about your thing with Bubba. Some were bothered by it, which was understandable, he killed you just as many times as anyone else. Others didn’t really care, since they found the scraps of paper and heard the whispers about Bubba, and knew that compared to a lot of other killers, he wasn’t as bad. Quentin was one of the latter. He was fuming at first, and could hardly speak with you, but eventually got over it. He wasn’t in any position to judge you, as long as you still saved him that was.

#leatherface #dbd #dead by daylight #michael meyers #halloween #trapper hc #shape hc #huntress hc #cannibal hc #request

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hyperdrivehearts · 4 years

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YouseemedtoreallylikethelastoneandIlovehearinghowotherpeoplewritethedisasterchildrenso Headcanon time! How often do Yusei and Kalin get sick? What makes them frustrated or irritable? Does Yusei get petty towards Jack and Crow? What are Yuseis feelings for Akiza?

DIASASTER CHILDREN IM–?? u right tho, u right,, Kalin and Yus are grade A+ disasters. And yes!! I love when people want to know about my boys it makes me super happy asdgbjsdhlsd

- How often do Yusei and Kalin get sick?

Not often, thankfully! As children, they probably were sick a lot more often, and in Satellite, it’s not that sanitary to begin with so there was a constant exposure to germs and bacteria, which does thankfully increase the power of the immune system later in life. (Kalin probably does get sick more often than Yusei does, due to having, y’know, died.)

The unfortunate flip side to this, is that when they get sick, they get sick hard. No matter what he’s caught, Yusei tries to hide it as best as possible, but there’s only so much you can hide when you’re coughing up lungs from a bad cold, y’know? He’s not the type to want people to dote over him, because he knows other people need him, but he does eventually give into being taken care of, because he knows they only mean well. Though, it’s a challenge and a half to keep him in bed, because there’s always things to be done– even if it takes him longer to recover.

Kalin is very similar: he doesn’t want people taking care of him, but unlike Yusei, he doesn’t eventually give in as easily and it’s like pulling teeth from a crocodile. If you thought he was in a bad mood normally, be glad you haven’t seen him sick. (He’s so lucky that Yusei loves him as much as he does.) It’s honestly like taking care of a child; his appetite vanishes and he won’t eat properly, constantly picking at his food, not to mention that he will just refuse to have any medicine besides his antidepressants.

Yusei is VERY patient with Kalin and Kalin begrudgingly does what’s required of him when Yusei’s taking care of him. When it’s Jack or Crow? It ends in a lot of frustration on both sides.

FUN FACT! Because of Kalin’s lowered body temperature from being a Dark Signer, he won’t know if he has a fever or not, and will play a lot of the symptoms off as him just being cold or just having a headache and needing a nap. There has been a few scares where hes actually passed out because of it

Under the cut again!!

-What makes them frustrated or irritable?

A lot for the both of them, actually! Kalin and Yusei display anger/frustration in two very different ways.

Kalin can and will get angry at very small and mundane things. Someone did something he was going to do? Expect an annoyed growl. Someone touched his shit in his room? Another growl. He is extremely vocal about his anger and lashes out very, very easily and this is something I plan to explore in my fic one I actually get to those parts lmao, but he isn’t afraid to tell someone (or something) to piss off.

Kalin needs immediate release when he’s angry of frustrated. He can’t keep it bottled in at all because it festers and gets worse. He’ll take walks or drives around, something passive. He should not duel in a state of anger, because that damage can very easily turn real when he’s no longer in control of his emotions. It isn’t strange to see him yell at someone, and immediately turn around and punch a wall or tree, because it needs to get out.

If he releases these emotions verbally, there’s usually a lot of swearing involved. (He has yelled profanities at the door frame he just walked into, thanks for asking.)

Yusei is different. He isn’t easy to anger, but quick to annoy and irk. He’s someone where you can tell it through body language and only body language. Narrowed eyes, strangely silent and clammed shut, dirty glares. It’s a very passive aggressive anger. He’ll still talk to you like normal, but he would be much more sarcastic than usual and you can just.. tell that you pissed him off through his actions. (A good example of this would be Yusei revving his engine to get the attention of his friends right in the first episode. Just use your words, boy.)

Piss Yusei off enough, however, he will turn things physical, and he is not afraid to do so. If he can justify his anger, he can justify his hands being thrown. Take Tanner or anyone who has called certain cards worthless: that sets Yusei off, because he knows what it’s like to be tossed aside and called worthless, he’s from Satellite for fucks sake, but he also knows he has worth as a person and those cards have worth to be in someone’s deck and not in the trash. Abusing and taking advantage of people, insulting his friends, and insulting his pride as a duelist are really the only things that make him angry. (Say for Goodwin. Goodwin as a whole pisses him off for a multitude of reasons and he would NOT hesitate to punch his lights out.)

Yusei luckily doesn’t hold grudges like Kalin does, and if you leave him be, it’ll be like smothering out a small, angry flame with a blanket. He’ll forgive you, and things will go back to normal relatively quickly, but he won’t fucking forget.

Sometimes, it doesn’t always smother out, and he’ll think and think about what made him annoyed, until it’s at the point of anger and he can’t focus properly (Instead, he focuses on what’s making him angry.) A scene in the manga describes it better than I could: he’s thinking about Sect while working on his runner instead of resting up, and he keeps thinking about Sect until he’s genuinely angry and SLAMS his wrench to the floor.

TLDR: When Yusei’s angry, his actions speak louder than his words, while Kalin is almost the opposite: both are loud and he’s giving himself a headache.

- Does Yusei get petty towards Jack and Crow?

Crow? Not so much. As I said above, he doesn’t usually verbalize his emotions, and Crow “gets” him quite a lot as a person. Crow is someone Yusei can very easily forgive, because he hasn’t been wronged severely by him. Yusei is still sarcastic as ever with him though, but he’s like that with everyone.

When Kalin became part of the team, Crow was VERY against it, and he made it hella known enough for Kalin to storm outwith tears in his eyes. That, that made Yusei go off in retaliation and it was probably the angriest Crow has seen Yusei, say for the raw anger Yusei felt when Kalin turned to dust in his arms. (Boy was he pissed at the Dark SIgners.)

Jack on the other hand, has wronged him, and has wronged Yusei enough to severely hurt him and his trust. Stealing his runner and card by putting their friend in danger? That took a very long time to heal over (and one hell of an angry cry by Yusei.) Truthfully, I don’t think Yusei will ever 100% fully trust Jack again, but he’s forgiven him. (Mostly, he’ll bring it up when he’s annoyed enough, and Jack is really the only person he gets “snappy” at outside of a duel who wasn’t an antagonist.

Yusei is the type of person to leave a thimble of milk left in the jug SOLELY because he knows Jack is the next one to need it.

TLDR: Yusei petty af with everyone but especially Jack Atlas.

- What are Yuseis feelings for Akiza?

Let me make this 100% clear right off the bat: My Yusei holds absolutely ZERO romantic interest in Akiza, even though she did have a crush on Yusei, it was not requited. Akiza is like a sister to Yusei (and dating your sister would be weird.) Yusei understood that he was the first male in a long time in Akiza’s life that she genuinely felt safe around and that she had mistook the feeling for attraction. (Comphet is a bitch.) Yusei is far from the type of person to lead her on– he can barely tell someone in a gentle tone that he’s not interested, because he doesn’t want to accidentally risk broken bonds. In that aspect, he kinda just let her be but still trusted and respected her immensely.

Platonically speaking, Yusei LOVES Akia. He honestly trusts her with his life (and with Stardust, who he values more than his own life but don’t tell Stardust that.) He knows he can always trust Akiza to give her honest opinion, no matter how brutal it may be, and will seek her out specifically for her advice. Crow’s advice is mostly what he’d do in a certain situation, which isn’t always the same as what Yusei would do. (And Jack gives horrible advice, so Yusei isn’t going to even bother there,) but Akiza genuinely understands him and that’s?? super important to me?? I just really love their their bond??

Yusei thinks Akiza is amazing in every possible way, that she’s strong and absolutely refuses to back down. He knows not to mess with Akiza, because he’s get his ass kicked.

When Kalin and Yusei started dating again during the WRGP, I am certain Akiza would have been at least a little heartbroken, but it’s also the first time in a while that Yusei had been so genuinely happy. By that type, she had built a solid friendship with Kalin because he understood the parts of her that Yusei could not. Akiza felt like a monster, Kalin was a monster. (honestly?? between the three of them, there is a solid support system in Team 5Ds.)

#[yusei vc] im 5'6 and filled with so much anger im vibrating #Anonymous #HEADCANONS:|| Kalin #HEADCANONS:|| Yusei #I LOVE YOU SO MUCH #i knew what my yusei felt about Akiza but it was actually REALLY hard to articulate #shes like a sister whos his best friend #IF YOU WANNA KNOW ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE LET ME KNOW GOD THIS IS A BLAST

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fireeaglespirit · 5 years

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@fireeaglespirit @viviane-lefay i do worry sometimes with the stories I write if things might be too much for you. To be fair I dont think in any fanfic Ive ever written anything too explicit but now Im so conscious of other people’s viewpoints and being inclusive that it is a concern. Ultimately I write what I want to/need to but I am aware it might not be for all tastes hence always trying to follow ratings etc.

Replying here so it doesn’t cause any problems with OP, etc..

Ohh. I’m sorry if this worried you.. tbh this was very random and I wasn’t even thinking about fiction when I rb this. This one reminded me of a few times I went out with friends and colleagues and I just felt starkly asexual, lmao

About my tolerance regarding sex and explicitly in fiction, I’ll be honest with you…

There’s hardly anything I could say I wouldn’t read about. I just don’t feel ‘triggers’ or anything of the sort, no hard feelings when it gets to fiction and I value your will to be conscious of other viewpoints but its practically impossible to cater to all tastes like you said, so don’t worry about it much… there’s always someone out there who will feel offended and others who will fiercely love it.

As for myself, I’m very tolerant to sexual content in fiction, idk? I don’t seek it out particularly but its not a deal breaker either.

I know some asexual people are less tolerant, I usually just get a ‘meh’ feeling whenever those subjects are touched in much detail, idk some works do get nasty and bothersome because of much detail involving sexual practices so I just give up on them or put them aside when they bring me no joy but I gladly consume material with sex on it as long as I like some aspects of it. Also, I’m good at ignoring or glossing over things I don’t like in fiction… when I read explicit scenes with intercourse it does nothing to me and my eyes focuses on the sentences I loved such as regarding the feelings between the characters and subtle interactions instead of the physical/carnal aspects of it, and this makes it all worthy it.

Even so, some works might become overwhelmingly depressive or repulsive so I might put them aside even if I enjoyed an aspect of it or I might just skip through them and this happened recently to a series of fantasy books I tried to read which were actually really good but they were so overwhelmingly and unnecessarily dark and had an horrid oppressive atmosphere towards women an sex so I just felt no joy reading them? Its not like I was traumatized by its tone but it felt like a chore and I couldn’t care about it further and no character inspired me whatsoever that the world could change for the better, so I dropped them.

But its not like I’m judging it, I just feel weirded out to some things and I just imagine the kind of mind that takes upon themselves the chore to write a whole series of book which has nothing but suffering and misery in them, especially concerning women, lol. We already had this shit in history and still have in some places in the world so I kinda feel like its not interesting for me to read about it in a fictional setting, especially if I don’t feel like the writer is going to challenge the setting.

But I’m aware most people are much more sensitive… these things can be horrid for those who are more sensitive, and perhaps my own asexuality protects me from feeling it fully as I don’t even think of myself as a being capable of partaking in this (weird, I know), so I have problem even projecting.

But I did felt really strongly for the way women were oppressed absurdly and had their agency completely obliterated, so that sparked a sort of empathy or kinship in me which made progress in such book a chore…

You got my point and this just illustrates a bit my relationship to fiction and things that irk me since you were interested in my opinion… I have another example of fantasy book with lots of sex in it:

I read asoiaf even thought its full of sexual stuff but I don’t feel joy at these parts, yet the work is so good on other themes that I ignore it for the most part… but even so, recently I’ve read F&B and it was kinda overwhelming on the sexist aspect with myriads of female characters turned into child brides and raped and dying at their childbirth repeatedly it just got very tiresome and repetitive near the end, because there where almost no counterpoints to it, unlike in the main series where the situation is dire for women but we have characters challenging it more often and idk. F&B just lacked on that front.

So, this shows a bit my sensitivity towards sex is more related to sexism and the feeling that women are confined to their reproductive aspects: motherhood, childbearing, marriage, sensuality, etc.. I don’t have a problem with sexual intercourse per se as you can see, but that’s from my unique point of view and I know some asexuals are more repulsed towards it, but you asked my opinion…

So, if its consensual sex: its not my cup of tea but I don’t feel like its a deal breaker…

Just to give you a positive sex example: when I see an OTP of mine getting to the point of having sex I think its pretty sweet, like when Jon and Dany consummated their love on that boat… I was happy for them, for all that it means, the symbolism between the union of ice and fire and just two characters which I love dearly, finding happiness and comfort in each other. What’s not to love about it??

This is a rare stance I can say I saw a pair I ship get to that point xD

I love shipping as you know, but its more about the psychological aspects and potential for character development and even when I’m reading fanfic about my OTPs I enjoy more the angst and symbolism than the ‘hot’ parts which usually just makes me go ‘meh’ (again).

So this makes me say: when sex is the focus of works I could feel like I’m too asexual for this, even if it regards an OTP, it just doesn’t have a very exciting effect on me or I’m not explicitly interested in this part of a relationship, when so many other things caught my eye… sometimes subtle interactions and dialogue and and gentle approximation (touches, caresses, kissing, etc..) is so much more exciting for me to read about than the ‘thing’ itself, lol.

To sum it up: when its there just for p*rn or even worse, shock value it just makes me go ‘meh’ or ‘ugh’ or ‘uhh why am I even reading this?’

This reminds me of Vivi’s take on the ‘hiero gamos’, in this case I just say I might even enjoy the theme as long as the scenes involving sex are meaningful and passionate and the aspect I value the most about them are sublime and platonic instead of carnal but I’m aware the carnal aspects are very important for the characters and the audience so I also worry when I get to show my stories people will think they lack sexual content ^^ I get you.

Now that you know my feelings towards sex in fiction, to a broader sense I just wanted to say..

There’s no way to guess people’s sensitives but it doesn’t mean you need to walk on eggshells afraid to trigger people all the time, hell no! I’m all for freedom of creation. At least around me there are no metaphorical ‘eggshells’.

Everyone has their own set of opinions which makes them unique, not just me, I mean… even so I will let my snowflake syndrome show but I’m quite peculiar if you could say, so I sort of grew a strong ‘carapace’ towards the world as I deal with people with completely different views and values on a daily basis which might make me have inflamed political opinions while at the same time, I’m very flexible and forgiving when it comes to fiction in general.

I don’t expect much of the population to be like this so I’m also self conscious when it gets to writing my own stuff because I know people can feel very strongly about it and you’ve seen the way fandom reacts to minor things and bash creators when they perceive flaws in their work… I’m just not a judgmental person, its not in my nature. I just ignore things in fiction if I don’t like and I became even more relaxed over time in regards to this all, lol I nearly reached a ‘nirvana’ as I don’t even feel strongly negative feelings in regard to this.

Snarky and bitter comments from time to time? Yes… but no hard feelings. RL needs my hatred, lol so I don’t have it to spare with fiction any longer.

Anyway, on an unrelated sub note… as you might have noticed, I don’t feel comfortable about current fandom trends and specially policing, and with reason as this gets very serious and quick with literally ‘wave chain reactions’ of hatred sparked apparently from nowhere. I hope people could create more freely instead of the political correct police and restraining of creativity we have now. It was good for a while and I’m all for diversity and change in status quo (for the better), but I think this has gone too far and I perceive a lot of rigidity in fiction right now due to fear of fandom backlash we have creators afraid to make their thing and afraid it isn’t ‘inclusive or progressive’ enough… so they bend themselves endlessly until fandom ‘approves’ them, but even so someone is bound to scream and say the work is offensive and the cycle of hatred is restarted.

I know this reply was like a huge egocentric monologue and I strained with non related issues at the end, but you asked my thought on this so I tried to convey it with detail.. including things related to the perception we have concerning fictional themes and I just kinda had to vent at some parts of it.

etc…. This doesn’t mean I forbid judgment from others or criticism or that I forbid people from harshly criticizing works of fiction, just that sometimes it gets more harmful than beneficial and scare people off, and I felt like saying that.

Anyway,,, just want to say nonetheless I find it very sweet and considerate that you are taking different opinions in mind while writing, but you don’t need to worry at least from my part, and I don’t think you ever got even close to being explicit in your writings so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

#beyond-far-horizons

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archopv-blog · 6 years

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so i was gonna put this in my rules because idk i feel like i should come with a warning label after some recent stuff, which i don’t really mind because yeah i like to be pretty transparent, but for now, i’ll just make a post regarding ooc interactions / personal relationships

i’m always up for plotting. i can always talk plots even if it takes me some time to get going. i can talk about my characters / plots / source material forever, and i’m always up for that. even if it’s just random headcanons or relationship aspects etc. i can do that all day. always come to me for that. anything writing / reading / watching related i can always do.

i’m not good at small talk. im horrible at it. it’s tedious and makes me super anxious. personal conversations in general make me super anxious, and i’m always scared i’m gonna say the wrong thing or embarrass myself, so it takes me a long time to be able to veer away from writing / rp talk, and i’m sorry.

with that being said, i’m sorry if i come off standoffish or cold or blunt. i really try not to, but i go through a lot, and i physically cannot burden people with any of it. no matter how close we are, how much we talk, how much i trust people, whether i share or not always seems to blow up in my face, so i’d rather just... not talk about it with people on the internet for the most part.

in addition to that, i’m also sincerely sorry that i, for the most part, cannot be there for people the way i’d like to. the stuff i’ve gone through hasn’t made me a good person even though i actively combat it every single day. while i do my best to be empathetic to the plights of others, it’s really difficult to see past my own pain sometimes. even when i can, i never really know what to say especially more than once. i don’t have any excuses for that, and i’m working on it, but that takes time. especially when i’ve realized fairly recently what the problem was to begin with.

i don’t expect any personal support from my partners. while it’s nice and stuff, you don’t owe me anything. you don’t have to worry about my personal life. i know it’s more human nature than i’ve been taught it was, but i don’t know how to accept it half the time. it is appreciated i swear, but i just don’t know how to react so yeah.

i disappear a lot. ooc wise i disappear even when i’m still writing on the dash because i can’t talk to people because then i feel like i have to fake things or force things, and i’d rather not do that because i feel like that’s worse than just...not saying anything at all. i know some people may not feel that way, but that’s how i see it.

bottom line: my ability to maintain interpersonal relationships is almost nonexistent, and my trust issues are endless. i’m sorry if that’s an important aspect of your rp experience, but i cannot promise i’ll be able to supply that. i’ve had very few positive experiences in that regard here, and honestly, it’s tiring to keep failing at it.

so what i’m saying is that i don’t mind friends. that’s not it. however, i’m not good at it, and i don’t want to keep letting people down so. i’d rather just write. like i just wanna write. and escape. and feel okay. i just wanna write.

#ooc.#i guess #rules #&. the daily prophet ( psa. )

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d-erica · 4 years

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worth living

Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.

#selfworth #recovery #mystory

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