#(even though it feels like I’m just dreaming into the void a lot) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

charmedreincarnation · 4 months

Text

Hey guysss! A lot of people have been asking for me to make a challenge for a while now. I honestly didn’t want to, not because I’m against them or anything but because the law will be different for everyone. Sometimes, it feels like tumblr needs a reminder - you are the only person who knows what you need to do to succeed. I wish I could imprint this realization on everyone's minds. I’ve also gotten so manyyyy asks about things that genuinely just feel like your doubts repeating in your mind constantly so I’m gonna talk abt my beliefs bc y’all are spiraling really hard. I get it you want your desires for Christmas and new years. It’s okay take a breath, you're alive and will be okay.

Firstly: at the beginning I used to spend countless time spiraling into depression, constantly changing my methods every time I saw a new success story, and every time I found a new foolproof' tumblr method. Methods that were supposed to guarantee results in a day so when they didn’t I felt rlly useless. It was annoying, to say the least, and I don’t want to help others do the same thing, but really all I can do is reiterate what I always say and hope you apply it to everything!!

A lot of you guys wanted something that didn’t involve the void state, so that’s what this will revolve around! But feel free to make this void orientated if you desire, and I’ll also add a void section so all my babies can eat!

Ok so you’ve over consumed, you have dropped the void, and now have switched to just assuming and knowing that you would wake up with your dream life - embracing states. Great! At first, it will seem like you're doing nothing but you aren’t! For example, I knew I was dwelling in the state of wish fulfilled when I went to work without shedding tears, when I looked in the mirror and didn't think I was ugly because, well, I'm beautiful! I didn't care abt not performing well on a test because I could revise my past etc. this isn’t to say ignore the 3D: don’t do that, please try and make sure you’re safe and okay. But know life is malleable. Slowly, things that used to bother me—my parents, grades, anxiety, self-deprivation—started to fade away. Even though my dream life hadn't reflected in my 3D yet, I felt the switch. That's when I decided, I know what to do.

I also remember finding this cute website a long time ago that I want to share that summarizes it in such a great and simple way.

So Before I knew or understood what LOA was, I found this gem of an article on I am Love'- "How To Shift Into A State & Stay There". I think I have a post abt it somewhere on my blog but I’m too lazy to find it so here it is again.

Basically it explains that the essence of shifting into a desired state and staying there. What resonated with me was her choice to dwell in the state of knowing that her desires are hers, no matter what.

The way she used colloquial language made the content relatable and easy to understand. It's like having a conversation with a friend who's guiding you through hard concepts with “dumbed down” language because at the beginning states made 0 sense to me.

Posts like this really helped me particularly because when I discovered Neville, it required three attempts on my part to not only intellectually grasp his teachings, but also to truly comprehend him as a whole, given his non-contemporary speaking tbh.

I recommend it if you find yourself stuck or not really grasping the law yet (which is more than okay) but, if you're looking to understand the loa better or just learn more give this article a read.

There’s also a particular quote from Neville that really got me to dive into his work after finding this article and it was- “The being that you really are, descended to the weakness of the flesh, causing you to experience the state you are now in. Contemplate another state, and the same being who brought your present form into being will restore and make alive the other state, the state desired. This he will continue to do until his purpose is fulfilled. That purpose is to follow a certain pattern back into the unity of being. You see, in the beginning we were drafted. We did not volunteer to fall into these states. We were made subject into futility, not willingly but by the will of him who sent us. But when we return we will discover that we are the very being who subjected us. We are now the sons, destined to return as God the Father!”

Now that you understand and are ready to apply state, Here’s a routine I’ve created to hopefully help you guys! It is very simple and not time consuming at all.

Scripting and writing: I love writing and feeling like the author of my own story, literally bringing my creation to life. I would write when I felt like it. Whenever I wanted to dwell in my state, I would simply write, "I have my dream life." It's so simple, yet it embodies everything I need. If you’re more of a picture girl, use Pinterest instead. Or both if you prefer it doesn’t matter.

Edward arts' "I am creator meditation": Again, do this whenever you like it. It's one of the few meditations that didn't bore me to death and seemed to work with my ADHD. I also love reading, so I would read his pdf whenever I felt like it and take mental notes. Reading his work was a reminder I was doing everything right, it resonated with me very well.

During doubt and overstimulation: When things get overwhelming, close your eyes and let the emotions pass. They’re just thoughts! repeat the words "I am" until your heart returns to its normal rhythm. It's a simple yet powerful way to ground yourself amidst the whirlwind of emotions. And guess what? You can use this technique for doubt too! So the next time you're feeling overwhelmed, remember the power of "I am". It's a gentle reminder of your existence, your resilience, and your capability to be whatever you want despairs any emotional turmoil.

Thank god: (yourself!!) When reminded of your desires. Thank you god. When you see your desires, (eg:Pinterest, online or you’re just reminded) thank you god! When you see an image of your desires, thank you god! When you dream or think about your desires. Thank god! Always thank the person fulfilling it aka you ;)! If you’re religious just thank the god you actually follow.

Nightly reflections: At night, ask yourself , "What would I do if I woke up in my dream life right now?" repeat this question throughout the night. Then, imagine whatever scene you want. What would you do if you could not fail? What would you do if you had all the money in the world right now. What if you looked in the mirror and saw the most ethereal being and it’s just you? What about if you woke up in your dream house with your dream family and pets? This is inspired by one of the first shifting methods I created that helped me fulfill my imagination before I knew what that meant. When you’re ready to sleep just remind yourself it is done, and drift off into your desires.

As I've always said, I've been a great daydreamer. I knew exactly what I wanted my life to look and feel like. I envisioned my walk-in closet filled with luxurious outfits, waking up in my dream room on a soft mattress with my pets purring nearby. I saw the decor reflecting my personality in every corner of my large, and pretty room. I imagined walking into my bathroom, seeing all my cool Sephora products lined up for my skincare and shower routine. I love taking care of myself because I know I deserve it. I saw myself looking in the mirror, knowing I'm "that girl" who turns heads wherever she goes.I visualized going downstairs in my boujee dream house,and seeing my family stress-free, smiling, and eating well. I saw plans being made on my phone, my friends were excited to see and talk to me. I went to my kitchen, filled with expensive ingredients ready for me to cook meals for my loved ones - because I love cooking. I saw myself checking my bank account and seeing multiple seven figures in my savings, checking, and investment accounts and opportunities easily presenting myself to make more if I wanted. I saw myself running errands in my car, shopping, getting Starbucks, having expensive lunch with friends, and making a trip to Target. Despite the simplicity of the day, I would come home and be like, "Ugh, what a long day!"like that one khloe kardashian meme. What if all this happened today? Visualize and feel the scenes so clearly that it felt like it's already happening.. not just in your imagination.

Most importantly: Define the law for you! Stop parroting bloggers and intertwine your own beliefs with the law. The only principle of the law is that through persistence assumption will harden into a fact. Other than that anything goes except for facts that are wrong.

Here’s old notes I found in my phone lol just so you know what I mean by define the law for you: ignore the writing I was kinda dumb and new to the law 😭😭

Now this is for my void babies if you made it this far.

Read this post.

This is it copied bc the links are wonky sometimes

“My previous method is based on the persistent assumption, which a lot of people don’t know how to do right and it might take some time even for those who have the right self-concept and the mindset, so today I was in the process of manifesting this method.

And I was successful!

This method is for everyone. It’s the easiest Void method.

Do you know that you get into the Void state at night automatically? At that time the whole perceived world disappears for you. Every single perception and assumption you have disappears while your consciousness in the calm and natural Void state.

Use it to your advantage. Now that you know about the Void that you enter when you sleep, the perfect state to manifest anything that you wish to perceive, with no “resistance”, no illusions of annoying solid things around, you only need to remember your scripted starting point in your DR and practice watching it all coming out of the Void.

Practice that scene with your eyes closed, say to yourself:”That is what I perceive. Next time I’m in the Void, I’ll experience this”. You won’t even need to be fully aware of yourself that way when you get into the Void while you are asleep. Your subconscious would do all the work as it now would have the instruction and a clear image of you expecting it.

Personal experience: as I was receiving information on this method, I almost stepped into my DR! I wasn’t even in the absolute void state, I was only creating the scene for this method and I felt it materialise with my senses!

I have great feeling that it’s going to give fast results for others! Try it, teach your subconscious what it needs to bring forth while in the Void, let it do your work for you!”

Lastly, I’m gonna talk abt my beliefs real quick bc the fear of shifting vs manifesting makes me sad for y’all. I understand you don’t wanna leave behind the people you love and that’s not fear to feel ashamed of having! I personally hate the npc mindset a lot of have people have adopted. The only thing we know for sure is that assumptions create realities, and consciousness is the real reality. Everything else boils down to assumptions, except for principles. For example, shifting is not lucid dreaming, even if you assume it to be. That is the principle. I’m just going to copy what I told my mutal bc I’m lazy and need to finish Christmas stuff 😭😭 but Our imagination and the 4D realm are products of our consciousness, which is indeed real. Our view of reality is shaped by our consciousness, since we can't experience everything all at once.

Unless, of course, you shift into a super omnipotent god. Even then, you’d probably still struggle with the concept of infinity because, well, infinity is infinite. And it’s constantly a never exnding expansion. As humans, we're finite beings, and our understanding of the infinite is naturally limited. Because you can’t and won’t ever experience everything at once, infinity is always expanding. Our awareness can be thought of as fragments of consciousness; it's like being a drop of water in a massive ocean. Even though our perception is limited, the infinite is always there, always existing. We simply adjust our awareness to perceive this infinite reality.

And through our consciousness, we are able to tap into other realities or 'multiverses', which give us a broader understanding of existence. This exploration of consciousness and the multiverse is a significant part of my journey into the world of manifestation.

The law of consciousness explains why, when you "shift" or change your perspective, you don't physically move. It's all about altering your state of awareness. This is also why time doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. You can become aware of any time or day you want, as long as you choose to be aware of it. It's like having a mental time machine. This law is why infinite universes exist. As long as you can be aware of it, you can assume and embody the state of that person. Whether that's someone with a billion dollars on Earth, or a person who lives in the Attack on Titan world, it's all about your awareness.Our awareness is just a fragment of the larger consciousness – hence the idea of the multiverse. Each universe is a different fragment, a different state of awareness. And we have the power to “shift” into any of these states, therefore shifting into any of these universes.

I’m telling you this bc there’s no need to be afraid of manifesting or being in a reality with robotic versions of the people you love. Ariana grande and Marilyn Monroe for example talk about loa without acknowledging it and we see their success. Neville Goddard and his followers saw each other’s manifestions and I manifest for my friends and they mnaifest for me.

Take a deep breath and let go of the tik tok clone mindsets y’all have they don’t exist. You can manifest and assume anything you want in your imagination. Y’all literally want to manifest things like millions of dollars, revising deaths, living in new countries, having immorality in your waiting rooms, and never aging which is all possible of course. So be for real, why assume and know that you can achieve all that, but it won't manifest exactly how you want? I've also wondered about what happens to the "old version" of people when they manifest their dream life. As far as I'm concerned, they dont exist because you choose not to be aware of them.

I really want to talk about this too, as I've received similar questions and, oh my god, I thought I was alone. I've always been a bit delusional and lived in my head, but when I became conscious of the law, did anyone else feel a sense of self-embarrassment? I don't know what that was, but I'd genuinely feel my soul wanting to throw up envisioning my desires that aren't mine, even though I've always been a daydreamer. It's kind of like when you feel you can't have them or it's strange to envision yourself with something you can't have, so you just purge yourself. 😭

I was thinking back to why that happened and laughing at myself because we need to be serious right now. Why are you getting sick by your own mind? Imagine if Van Gogh, anytime he pulled out a canvas and held a brush, was jump-scared by the brush. Picture him holding out the brush and just staring at the canvas crying because "well, the painting is going to suck 😐," "I don't know what to paint☹️☹️," "I already know it won't be like what I envision in my head 😡😡." Like, bro, the canvas is blank, just fucking paint. That’s why I really like his quote that's like...

“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” So If you’re scared of failing, if you’re scared of your desires, or scared of how it will come to fruition, for that reason alone is more so to and manifest it anyways.

But happy holidays guys! make some tea, scroll through Pinterest, read a good book and watch some Christmas films and remember if you can imagine/think your desires you can embody them bc where are you getting it from??

Here are some helpful documents I have read plus a cute vid I saw on insta reels : (let me know if the links are being weird)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by @inspirelightwork

instagram

#law of assumption #manifesation #manifesting #void state #my asks

475 notes · View notes

iam-stargirl · 4 days

Text

I have manifested many things by deciding and affirming. If I assumed and believed that I could manifest something immediately then it would manifest in the 3D immediately.

But there have been stuff I’ve wanted to manifest for a long time, but haven’t been “successful” with because it has been hard for me to believe and assume that I could manifest it into my reality. Some examples are me wanting to manifest appearance changes, revising a lot of stuff that I wish didn’t happen and waking up in the void.. and currently I want to manifest waking up with everything I want aka my dream life. From desired appearance to waking up in a complete different place (my dream house), getting the job I want and signing with them, fame, shifting realities, money and more.

With other stuff like manifesting angel numbers and such have been easy most of the time but when it comes to manifesting my dream life I’m like …

Bc of this I have been affirming “I’m worthy of everything I want”, “I can manifest everything I want” and “my life is fucking perfect”. When I do them I feel good, but then when I get those doubts and start to identify with them (🙄) it gets hard to come out of that. And then when I start affirming again it feels like it won’t work so I just don’t do it because I’m scared that it’s not possible and that I will just continue being in this cycle.

Has anyone experienced this? If you have, what did you do to get out of that so you could get back in track and then finally manifest what you wanted? I’ve been stuck in this loop regarding my dream life for quite some time and I don’t know what to do. So if anyone has any advice at all I’d really appreciate it. 🫶🏻

I’m ngl, I feel lowkey embarrassed to post this bc I feel like I should already know everything and what to do 🫠 but I love this community and I feel safe to ask for help even though I feel like this 💀 so I’m just saying fuck it and gonna post this

But I really appreciate and love you all!! Thank you for your support it means a lot. 🩷

Stargirl

#stargirl’s posts 🩷#law of assumption #loassumption #affirmations #loa #loa blog #loa success #loassblog #persist #dream life #reality shifting #4d

207 notes · View notes

55sturn · 2 months

Text

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ COVERED IN YOU

↳ masterlist!

↳ summary: in which history has a tendency to repeat itself for matt and y/n, and this time y/n’s had enough of the back and forth because despite fighting it for years, she’s in love with matt, but does he love her back?

↳ pairings: matt sturniolo x fem!reader

↳ warnings: swearing, matt is the epitome of avoidant attachment, no established relationship, ex situationship to enemies to something complicated, making out, suggestive, alcohol consumption, angry!matt, mentions of sex.

↳ author’s note: based off a chris dream i had LMFAO

THIRD PERSON POV

to anyone that dared to ask, most people would imply, rather than flat out explain, that matt and y/n hated one another for good reason. no one would ever divulge into full detail what the good reason was.

most believed it was feelings that were never dealt with, or lingering resentment from a fight that was never acknowledged. a lot of people had their theories, a plethora of them even. but no one but matt, y/n, and matt’s brothers knew the real cause.

when matt and y/n were in their senior year of high school, the year it happened, the two were close. like undeniably and i breakable bond close. they were attached at the hip. but one night things changed when the two of them shared a kiss at some party that eventually led to a much more intimate moment, it being their first of that kind.

from then on, they grew closer romantically. they went on dates, they kissed, held hands, spent hours talking to each other. all for matt to call it off in the middle of them laying in the yard watching the stars.

y/n was confused, to say the least, because she was so sure matt was going to ask her to be his girlfriend after nearly a year of them being whatever they had been. they had already said their “i love you’s”, matt just didn’t think a label was necessary so she waited.

“i just don’t see this going any further than what it is right now.” matt sighs, his gaze flickering from the stars above to the girl beside him, he felt guilty lying to her because in all honesty, she was the center of his universe. but he and his brothers had finally agreed to move to los angeles the second graduation finished, and he wasn’t going to put her though the pain of a long distance relationship.

“that doesn’t make any sense matt, you told me you loved me.” the girl whimpers, tears welling along her waterline.

“i figured that’s what you wanted me to say.” he hums, his voice void of all emotion as he stares ahead, trying not to give into the voice in the back of his mind telling, screaming at him, to take it all back, to tell her the truth.

“so you don’t actually love me?”

“not in the way you want me to.”

“fuck you matt, i gave myself to you, and this is what you do?”

“i’m sorry.”

“at least look at me while you rip my heart out.”

and from that night onward, the two haven’t shared much more than two words. after the triplets moved to los angeles, they lost contact with the girl for a while but nick refused to let up and soon brought her back into their lives after he found out that she had moved to a deeper part of los angeles for the social marketing courses she was studying.

matt, at first, despised nick for bringing her back into his life. he felt like he had finally gotten rid of every touch she left in his life, like he had finally taken a breath that wasn’t full of her for the first time in his life. just for her to resurface.

they had been so consumed by their feelings, which y/n felt was the worst part of it all. she believed love was never meant to be all consuming. and her love for matt, consumed every part of her and when he accepted that love without giving it back, it spit out someone she didn't want to know.

but she learned to love the version of herself that didn't know matt, that didn't want to know matt. but here she was, unfortunately thrusted back into his life and being forced to be someone that knows him again.

the two found endlessly for the first little while, constantly bickering over things that held no genuinely purpose to them, they fought for the sake of fighting. of hearing each other's voices. but when matt found y/n standing on their front step, drenched from the rain and biting back tears, his heart clenched and he softened up around the edges, letting the very clearly distraught girl into his house without hesitation.

he soon learned that the guy she was seeing had only used her as a rung on his ladder in his social climb due to her relationship with the triplets, and on top of that, the internship that she worked hard for that she had landed at one of the top social media networks, had fired her without so many as a good reason.

that night, they rekindled their friendship. they began to lean on each other again, finding solace in each other’s arms. but y/n was apprehensive of getting close again, she couldn’t go through being heartbroken by him again. but he reassured her that he was there and he wasn’t leaving again.

PRESENT TIME

y/n laughed as her and the triplets made their way down the busted sidewalk that led toward nate’s house, the four them of had flown back to boston for a couple weeks due to being overworked and homesick, and what better way to celebrate being home? a party in their childhood friend’s garage. the cold february air nipped at y/n’s hands and cheeks as she struggled to keep warm, and matt took notice of this, falling behind the group to hold her and keep her warm. once she felt like she was warm enough to keep walking without shivering, the two made their way up nate’s driveway, and were welcomed with the smell of beer, weed, and stale cigars.

as the party went on, more people arrived, some y/n knew well, and some she was only acquainted with. there were a few girls from shared high school classes present, and y/n spent most of her time catching up with them, sitting matt or playing beer pong with nate, but there was one blonde girl in particular that kept eyeing y/n. the nasty look on her face made it evident that she didn’t like how close y/n and matt were.

y/n knew the girl from high school, she was friends with matt’s ex fling nicole, and had always seemed to have a strong disliking for the girl so close to matt. but y/n brushed it off, figuring it was just jealousy because y/n stayed close with the triplets and she didn’t. but y/n was proven wrong when matt went to the bathroom and the blonde girl approached her.

“why are you so close to matt? it’s like you’re practically sitting in his lap.” the girl, that y/n remembered was named alara spat.

“what does it matter to you?”

“seeing as he’s my boyfriend, i’d rather not have a random girl hanging off him.”

“since when have you and matt been dating?”

“about a month, we hooked up the last time he was home and now we’re keeping it lowkey.”

“matt’s never even mentioned you.”

“well now you know to stay away from him, m’kay?” the girl laughs, before walking away, leaving y/n angry and upset as she stares at the beer she just opened. y/n scoffs and goes to throw her beer away as matt reentered the garage, immediately noticing her furrows brows.

“you okay?” matt hums, reaching out to brush the hair from her face as she steps back.

“don’t fucking touch me. i cant believe you.” she spits, leaving matt dumbfounded as he watches her walk over to nate, the two of them sharing a quick hug before she exits the garage.

matt’s eyes dart around the room, meeting alara’s pleased smirk as matt storms his way over to the blonde girl, gripping her bicep as he drags her to the corner of the garage.

“what the fuck did you say to y/n?”

“i told her the truth.” alara laughs, watching as matt’s expression grows angrier.

“please enlighten on what you believe is the truth? because the last i remember, you’re just some girl i fucked six months ago and then blocked when you went psychotic.”

“i told her we’re dating.”

“jesus christ alara, i just got her back into my life and you come in and fuck everything up.”

“well now you can be with me, matty.”

“no. you’re always going to be the random hookup that i regret and wish never happened. stay the fuck away from me.” matt seethes, dropping the girl’s arm and quickly leaving the garage, hoping to catch up to y/n. as he runs down the sidewalk, he spots her a couple feet ahead and he picks up his pace until he’s right behind her.

“y/n wait.”

“save it matt. i don’t want to hear whatever excuse for breaking my heart, again, that you’ve got ready.”

“it’s not an excuse. i’m not with her. she’s some chick i fooled around with six months ago, before you and i fixed things.”

“i don’t care matt, you and i aren’t together!” the girl yells, turning around to face as tears slide down her rosy, cold cheeks, prompting matt to delicately take her face in his hands as he wipes the tears. y/n’s eyes squeeze shut as she tries to find the willpower to pull away from his touch, but his hands are warm and she misses his hands on her and it’s harder to pull away with every passing second.

“i know we’re not together, but i want us to be. i fucked up the first time we had something because i listened to the fear in my head. since the night you showed up crying in the rain, five months ago, there hasn’t been another girl in my life. you are the only person i love, and want to love. i am completely covered in you. i am consumed by you. so please listen to me when i say there is nobody else, and there never will be.”

“matt, i’m scared. you made me let you in again, you made me love you again, and there is this fear in my heart that you’re going to push me away again. that you are going to tell me you love and not mean it again, that you are going to keep breaking me over and over again.”

“i know baby, but i don’t want to let you go again, i fucked up, and i don’t ever want to fuck uo with you again. so if you’ll let me, i will prove to you that i’m here for good. if you let me be your boyfriend, i will promise to never break your heart again. please just give me one more chance to love you right.”

“okay.” y/n whispers, her guard growing thin as matt whispers promises against her lips, and that fear is still there and alive, but how can she say no when he looks so pretty staring at her with frozen cheeks and tears threatening to fall? so, she gives in, pressing her lips to his to seal the proclamations and promises he makes, hoping that there will be some truth to them.

↳ taglist: @dylsdunbar @verosivy @soursturniolo @4sturns @sturnsclutter @spencerstits @meanttomeet @bluesturniolo333 @graciereid @abbie13sworld @ghostofbrock @l9vesick @mylifeisevenstranger @bethsturn @ifilwtmfc @themattgirl @lovingmattysposts @lacysturniolo @freshloveee

↳ taglist: @freshsturns @forevergirlposts @sturniolo-fav-matt @cupidsword @lustfulslxt @sturnifyed @teapartyprincess4two @mangosrar @querenciasturniolo @pinklittleflower @cutenote @ellie-luvsfics @strniolo @junnniiieee07 @33sturniolo @hearts4chris @evie-sturns @nicksmainbitch @gnxosblog @sturniolopepsi @wronqness99 @sturniolossss @hesvoid3434 @mattsfavwh3re @inlovewithmattstur

#Spotify #matt sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo imagine #matt sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo x you #matt sturniolo oneshots #matthew sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo x fem!reader #matthew sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo imagine

257 notes · View notes

lains-reality · 9 months

Note

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

#lainsmail

421 notes · View notes

trans-eddie · 1 year

Text

Steve’s favorite color is yellow.

He’s given a lot of thought to his favorite color. It’s one of those things people always ask, from your very first interactions on the playground. When he was a child, it was easy; blue, because that was the normal color for boys.

When he got a little older, “normal” was no longer good enough. Tommy H told him that “normal” was boring, and didn’t stand out. If he wanted to become a Popular kid, he needed to stand out as much as he could.

Steve wanted to stand out. He wanted people to look at him, so that his parents might see how popular he was, and realize he was someone worth paying attention to.

“You need a strong favorite color.” Tommy had told him.

In middle school, Steve decided his favorite color was red. Red caught people’s eyes, red felt powerful, red got Tommy’s approval.

But his favorite color being red did not make his parents look at him, even as he graduated and moved on to high school with a buzzing reputation and all the popularity he could have dreamed of.

In high school, Steve’s parents stopped coming around. Their vacations and business trips took longer and longer, and eventually, they stopped coming home altogether.

And the thing was, he didn’t really care all that much about the color red. When he lost the title of King, when he stopped caring about being popular, when he hated who he had been and couldn’t figure out who he wanted to be, and gave up any hope of his parents ever giving him any kind of positive attention, Steve‘s favorite color stopped being red.

He never did learn how to stop masking, though. Favorite colors, favorite movies, music preferences, they all tie into those masks, into the person you present to the world. A little adrift, Steve lost sight of any person he wanted to be, and all those things he maintained for the sake of a mask started to slip away.

“I’m worried I might not be a real person in here underneath it all,” He had told Robin once in the middle of a drive, spiraling about the void he encountered when he tried to dredge up any of his own opinions. “I feel like if no one is telling me what to do or like, or I’m not trying to meet their expectations, then I don’t know anything about myself.”

And she had calmed him down in her own awkward way, patting his shoulder like she was afraid the touch would tip him over the edge, smile a bit manic because she had no idea what to do when the driver of the car was currently bawling like a baby (her words, and a little exaggerated at that, he was tearing up at best.)

He had eventually pulled over, and she had stared him down, and rattled off a bunch of personal questions. He could find answers for none of them.

“So find them.” She’d said. “Find the things you like, what makes you happy. Don’t listen to anyone else about it, don’t think about what they want. Maybe start simple? Like your favorite color.”

So he’d tried. He’d thought, maybe it was red after all? The color of Max’s hair. Or maybe blue, because it made him think of Dustin’s ridiculous hat. Maybe green, because it was the color of spring and new things, or maybe pink, because it was pretty.

He felt lost in a sea of choices, all surrounding the one, simple, basic, childhood question most children have an answer to by the time they go to school.

Then in walked Eddie Munson.

Eddie changed a lot about his life. He hadn’t expected him to, had sort of expected him to be a blip in his radar; but Eddie is incapable of existing in the peripherals. He sauntered in with the electrifying energy of a leading man on stage, even as he cowered in a boat shed scared out of his mind, and Steve had been unable to look away.

If Robin had asked him about things he liked in the months that followed, he would have been able to confidently say Eddie Munson was among them, and wasn't that a kicker?

It was just that, Eddie was capable of walking into a room and immediately projecting every single thing about himself and what he liked into the space. You couldn’t get away from the impression of exactly who Eddie was just by the very nature of his existence.

Steve wished he were like that.

Wished he could be so self confident that he could decide what he liked without a care for what others think or how they judge him, wished he could wear it as proudly as Eddie did the patches on his vest.

(The same vest Steve still hadn’t returned.)

But he hadn’t just stolen the vest; it had been somewhat of a trade off. He had thrown his sweater at Eddie’s head shortly before diving to the depths of Lover’s Lake, only for it to never be seen again. Part of him had assumed it had just gotten swallowed up when the gate had ruptured through Hawkins.

Then Eddie had walked through the doors of the Family Video, big, dark eyes all wide and his hair piled up on his head, wearing the bright yellow of Steve’s sweater.

Steve had short circuited. Upon reboot, his first thought was, for some reason, It’s yellow. My favorite color is yellow. Yellow yellow yeLLOW YELLOW!

The second was, I like him wearing my things.

The third was, Oh. I like Eddie.

So at age twenty, Steve Harrington knows two whole things about himself: he likes Eddie Munson, and his favorite color is yellow.

#stranger things #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #long post #fic

2K notes · View notes

hyuckbeam · 1 year

Text

the ups and downs

all your life was spent earning recognition from others. hell, your past relationships ended badly because they couldn’t truly see you for yourself. knowing you’ll never be good enough is something you’ve grown so accustomed to, so why does it feel so nice when he tells you how proud he is of you?

pairing | archi student!renjun x archi student!reader

genre | fluff, angst, college au

warnings + notes | mentions of bad traumas/experiences, parent negligence, some bits of swearing, reader uses she/her pronouns, bff!chaewon, a lot of self-conflict, please lmk if i missed anything!

wc | 5.3k words

a/n | the first installation to the third time’s the charm (tttc) universe, yay! it took a little while to churn this one out because of school but i hope the wait wasn’t too long ;0; *punches school* as always,, likes, rbs, and feedback are appreciated <3 thank you!!

song recs | raise y_our glass - huh yunjin, hug - suggi, walk you home - nct dream

tttc m.list, main m.list

“mommy, look what i got!” your tiny feet carried you to where your mother was, a marked test paper in hand. “see, see? the pretty miss from school gave me an A on my exam!”

your teacher told you to study well because your parents would be really happy if you did your best on the upcoming exam. your younger self believed her and studied with the goal of making your parents proud. however, instead of any praises like your teacher had told you, all you heard was “later, dear. i’m busy. mommy is taking an important call and you’re being distracting.” in a whisper-yell manner that held not one ounce of warmth in it.

you were distracting. you were just a distraction in her life.

stunned was one way to describe how you felt. you were just a measly six-year-old kid at the time, but you could clearly tell your mother had no time for you, much less your father who was rarely home. they had no time to entertain you. they had no time to be proud of you. they needed to do grown-up things that didn’t involve you.

that was probably the first time you realized you were all alone. your parents would constantly be buried in work, and you didn’t have siblings to play with. you didn’t even have many (re: none) friends because you were always shy at school. none of the other kids wanted to approach you first either because their parents warded them off, saying how you came from a rich family and that you might punish them for doing the slightest bit of wrong — which was never the truth. you weren’t anything like that, but that’s how they assumed you to be. what was the point of being rich when your own parents didn’t even seem like family? deep down inside, all you wanted was to be appreciated for being yourself, but right now, you felt like a void had formed within you.

as you grew older, you still unconsciously wanted to gain recognition from others, even picking a course that you thought your parents would prefer. side note: they didn’t really care as much as you thought they would. you had also gained a few friends, but they were always at arm's length because your trust in others decreased significantly over the years.

how could anyone blame you though? you’ve had so many experiences where people came up to you wanting to be friends but actually wanted to get close to you for money. there were even some claiming they harbored romantic feelings for you, and yet, those were all lies to use you for their own gain. you were simply exhausted from being dragged around like a little doll people could put on up their display shelves.

you didn’t even see the point of making friends. you just did so because the school guidance counselor expressed her worries for you. a means to an end, you suppose. there was, however, an exception; that being kim chaewon.

she had introduced herself to you back when you were both classmates in middle school and practically attached you both at the hip since then — you didn’t mind though, in fact, you enjoyed it more than you’d ever like to admit. her company made you feel human. she was there when you first discovered your love for art, she was there to share lunches with at break time when you were all alone, she was there to wipe your tears when your emotions would burst after being bottled in for so long, she was there when no one else was, and you couldn’t be more thankful for her.

it was by chance your parents actually agreed for you to move into a dorm with her for college. you wondered if they would accept chaewon as your friend, but it seems that they already did – granted they allowed you to do this in the first place. they probably had to do a background check on her to make sure she wouldn’t ‘ruin their reputations’, but you’ll let their actions slide for now.

“y/n! you have your first class tomorrow, right?” chaewon pops up from your shoulder as you work on fixing your class schedule by the counter near the kitchen, catching you a little off guard.

“hm- oh, yeah. you’re starting later in the day, aren’t you? sucks to be you.” you tease lightly, watching as your friend’s face contorts to a frown.

“god, don’t remind me. why did they have to make ours a day ahead?” listening to her groans, you can’t help but chuckle to yourself. “we’ll all be starting the new semester eventually anyways!”

“yeah, yeah. still wished i had more minutes of freedom though.” her shoulders slump for a moment. “at least the first days are exciting. it’s nice being able to meet new classmates.”

chaewon was always known for being a social butterfly, but you were in no way similar. “speak for yourself! i already feel jittery from the fact we don’t share any classes at all.” you feign a shiver, pursing your lips into a thin line.

“you’ll be fine. you’re my best friend after all!” with a pat on the back, chaewon makes sure to flash you a reassuring smile knowing it helps your nerves calm down.

“yeah, i know i will be. i’m just worried for… you know… being outcasted by others again.” you bring up, voice getting quieter after every word. this instinctively prompts your best friend to reach out for a hug. “that won’t happen, hm? tell me if it does, i’ll absolutely ditch class for-”

“what, no! go attend class, silly.” a giggle manages to escape your throat, and chaewon smiles at being able to successfully lift your mood up. “can’t believe you’re getting rid of me already!!” she whines with a pout before bursting into a fit of laughter.

notebooks? check. pencils and pens? check. phone? also check- “hey, y/n! are you almost ready? we’re walking to campus together, right?” chaewon beams as she barges into your room bright and early in the morning.

with a yawn, you blink off your drowsiness, stuffing your back with your stationery. “yeah, let me just pack my bag and we can go, okay?”

“alright! i also made you some breakfast you can eat while we walk.” she reminds you before stepping out to fix her own things one last time.

despite being reassured by chaewon yesterday, you can’t help but notice that unsettling feeling crawl the back of your neck. you were still worried about class, but you didn’t have time to dwell on it now. you had a class to get to on time and you were going to be late if you stayed home any longer. walking out of your room to the kitchen, you grab the breakfast your friend had made in advance. “okay, chae! let’s get going. i don’t want to be late!”

you sling your bag over your shoulder, chaewon mirroring your actions as you both quickly head out of your shared dorm. checking your phone for the time, you realize you have around ten minutes before classes start for the both of you. “chae… we need to go- like now, now!!” you urge her to pick up the pace and start running – mentally thanking the fact your dorm is located near campus.

“we really need to work on our time management, huh?” she replies, words coming out breathlessly from the both of you running against the clock (literally and figuratively).

“no kidding, i’ll see you after class, okay?” you pant out, just as tired as she is. “yep! good luck, you got this!” chaewon hastily makes two thumbs-ups before leaving to catch her own class. now you just had to run to your building and- ouch! why does your head suddenly hurt?

rubbing your forehead to ease the impact, you look up to find a boy, who seems to be just as frazzled as you, staring down at your figure. “sorry, i wasn’t looking where i was going.” he apologizes sheepishly, offering a hand out for you to pick yourself back up with. “it’s okay i wasn’t paying attention either-” you finally get a good look at him. jet black hair, kind eyes that sparkle in the sun, a slight flush in his face (presumably from this entire mishap with you), and the prettiest lips that make you want to kiss- no, what were you doing? you just met him, and worse… “I’M GOING TO BE LATE!” you exclaim abruptly once gathering your thoughts. it seems you’ve even shocked him as he flinches a little. you quickly apologize, gathering your things as fast as you can before scurrying off, leaving without him being able to utter a single word back.

finally settling down in the front row of the class, your mind couldn’t help but wander back to the boy you bumped into earlier while waiting for the professor to arrive. you weren’t late, but god, that was seriously embarrassing… maybe you should’ve paid more attention to your surroundings.

or rather, you should start applying that insight right now because why is the same boy in your class asking if the seat next to you is already taken or not? maybe you’re just hallucinating and it’s a different guy- “excuse me? i hope you aren’t still shocked from earlier.”

nope, he was definitely the same guy from a while ago.

“sorry, i just… wasn’t expecting you to be in the same class. the seat is free by the way.” you finally answer back in a swift, yet awkward motion before taking out a small notebook from your bag to pretend like you’re busy. it seems like he takes your reply as a green light, placing his bag beside yours and taking his seat.

the silence continues on for the rest of the class, ultimately making you want to curl up in a hole and hide forever. at this point, you’re even considering dropping the class and taking it next semester to avoid experiencing this again. to your luck, you manage to finish the class without combusting on the outside, already preparing your things to leave, but the sweet tone of his voice makes you halt for a moment.

“sorry, i know we got on the wrong foot, but i’d really like to get to know you more.” he confesses with a calm smile. though the sight would make anyone melt for his charms, at this moment, he was the epitome of what you were afraid of. what if he wants to be friends to manipulate you? what if he wants to use you for money like all the others? so many thoughts started to go through your mind, it was starting to get overwhelming. it seems he senses this too, taking a small step back to give you some space.

“i understand if you don’t want to be friends, but how about i just get you coffee sometime for bumping into you as an apology? it can be a one-time thing.” he proposes, holding onto high hopes. taking a deep breath, you nod along in agreement despite your worries. it’s not like you wanted to assume his reasons for approaching you – you just couldn’t help doing so. either way, you knew judging the poor boy on the spot (or anyone for that matter) wasn’t that great, so you did what anyone else would.

“okay. when are you taking me out for coffee then?”

his eyes light up from your verbal agreement. “i think you should know my name first.” he starts with a chuckle. “it’s renjun- don’t forget it, alright? as for the details of grabbing coffee together…”

you were a little surprised renjun had arranged the set coffee meet-up to be just a few days later. perhaps he really was that eager to make it up to you, even when you were partially to blame for what happened back then. he didn’t seem to mind at all though – going as far as to remind you every now and then that he was going to treat you to coffee.

both of you were to meet at the campus coffee shop, and you were preparing your bag for the short trip with plans to study while talking to renjun (and using the fact you’re studying as an excuse if the situation starts getting difficult for you). “oooh, it’s just the first week since classes resumed and you’re already being asked out on a date?” chaewon singsongs from the living room.

“pfft, it’s nothing like that. he just says he owes me or something… i don’t really understand his reasoning considering we both bumped into each other.”

“you should just take the opportunity, my baby y/n.” your best friend coos. “who knows, maybe you’ll both have more in common with each other aside from, erm, being clumsy… then you’ll start developing feelings for the boy-”

“alright, i think you’re getting ahead of yourself now.” tutting back lightly, you wiggle your finger in the air before grabbing your keys and taking a step outside your dorm. “i’ll be back before dinner! don’t wait up if you get too hungry before then.” you add before closing the door behind you.

it takes a few minutes from your dorm to the coffee shop, but you manage to arrive on time, even spotting renjun occupying one of the tables next to the windows, seeming to be working on his laptop. “someone’s early.” you point out with a soft voice once approaching his table, offering him a brief wave right after. “hope i didn’t keep you waiting?”

renjun shakes his head, gesturing for you to take the seat in front of him. “like you said, i came pretty early, but i’m quite used to staying here during my free time. my friend actually works part-time here and drags me along with him.” he explains, nudging his head over towards the counter where you see a familiar face, lee jeno. chaewon had introduced you guys to each other before so you aren’t exactly strangers.

“oh, you’re friends with him?” you gasp a little, finding the world to be quite smaller than you thought. the two of you easily slip into a conversation because of this, and the plans you made earlier to study and avoid conversation as much as possible had now been thrown out the window.

you got to learn much about renjun despite only having a proper conversation today. he’s apparently in the same course as you (which explains why the both of you will be sharing more classes together), he often goes to his cousin’s dorm to play with their cat, and loves hotpot more than anything, even claiming he’s a connoisseur of that field – his words, not yours. you can’t help but find the little things about him endearing, and for once, you’ve let your guard down entirely in front of a person you had only met a few days prior. maybe it's the fact he’s so easy to talk to, maybe it's the glint in his eyes that shows his interest in what you have to share about yourself, or maybe it's the way he laughs at your jokes despite you thinking they weren’t that funny to get that big of a reaction out of him. time had passed by quickly with him as your company, however, you don’t seem to register that until he brings the time up.

“it’s getting a little late. come on, i’ll walk you back to your dorm.” he insists after checking his watch, now packing his things and getting ready to leave. though you didn’t want to bother him, there didn’t seem to be any room for you to protest otherwise, so instead, you let him accompany you home.

this is the first time someone has actually offered to walk you home. not even the people you had a relationship with (if you can even call it that) in the past ever proposed to do that for you. you’d be lying if renjun’s actions didn't send a fluttery feeling to your stomach like how those teen-vogue magazines would describe the feeling to be like. you remember it stating that specific sensation was what you’d feel once you start developing feelings-

oh, perhaps chaewon was right earlier. you might just fall for huang renjun.

you and renjun have gotten a lot closer ever since he took you out for coffee — hell, he’s even well acquainted with chaewon now — and he’s been plaguing your mind more than ever. though, you’re more conflicted than anything.

a part of you wants to let yourself fall for him. i mean, who wouldn’t want to be with a guy like renjun? sure, he may have some anger issues (your experiences watching him and jeno banter by the counter of the coffee shop can vouch for this), but he’s also the sweetest guy you’ve ever got to meet.

just as you’re about to consider accepting your feelings for the boy, there’s the other part of you that wants to keep yourself guarded. you know he’s different from the people you’ve met in the past, so why do you still get the suspicion he’s simply using you for his personal gain? mayhaps, you’re just sinking in your thoughts a little too much, but you can’t seem to shake it off your system.

it’s frustrating. you shouldn’t be thinking this way about a friend of yours. how would renjun feel if he knew you had pondered on the idea of him being a backstabber? surely, he would be offended by that, so you brush those invasive thoughts away. after all, you were to meet him in a little bit for your regular study sessions for the upcoming final exams.

exams always left a bitter taste in your mouth, recalling how it was for you growing up. studying with renjun made exam season just a tiny bit more bearable after he suggested you both should study together so you could help each other out. he’s always had your best interests in mind, another reason why you had come to like him so much- gosh, your thoughts were such a mess today that you wanted to scream out a window.

with a heavy heart, you start making your way to the ever-so-familiar campus coffee shop. as soon as you enter, you spot renjun, eyes already landing on your figure like he had been searching for you moments prior. had he been anticipating your arrival that eagerly? the worrisome thoughts you’ve been harboring have simply washed away as your heart felt like it was running a marathon by how fast it was beating. all you could think about was the blush you felt creeping up your cheeks once you noticed he was staring- staring at you.

“you’re finally here! i got your favorite matcha latte, it’s still pretty cold.” he quickly announces with a smile that’s never failed to make you feel better.

“thanks! i really owe you one, you know?” you chuckle at your own words, walking over to take the seat next to his. while you begin setting down your things on the table, your fingers accidentally brush against his, and yet, neither of you seems to want to pull away from the other. he links his pinky with yours instead, confirming your assumption even more.

was this normal for the two of you? not one bit.

did you wish it was? a million times, yes.

maybe you needed to get your head straight and actually start studying for your exams.

the last week of exams was certainly hell. you’ve never felt this drained in so long — the last time you could recall would probably be back in junior high. though, this time seems to be much worse since you couldn’t understand the number of times your mind went blank during the tests. was your scatterbrain due to the thought of your study “dates” with renjun? you’d like to blame it on those, yes.

results would be posted any hour now for your batch, and that kept your nerves high to quite an extent over the weekend. so much for finally getting to relax, huh? either way, you were glad that all of your finals have finally ended, but now you had to wait a few more days for chaewon to finish hers. she was still pretty swamped with requirements the last time you saw her at your dorm. there is, however, someone you know who just finished his exams in the previous week: renjun. you guys did have the same classes after all. maybe the day you would finally buy him a cup of coffee and make the playing field even between you two has finally arrived.

dialing his phone, you quickly called him up to meet at your regular spot and set out yourself. it’s a good thing you made it to the coffee shop before him this time (you still remember the last time he was earlier and that sent your brain haywire). you see jeno today as well in his spot behind the counter, making sure to greet him as you order drinks for yourself and renjun.

“oh? you’re buying him coffee this time?” jeno questions with an amused look, almost like he’s watching a k-drama he’s so invested in. “thought i’d repay him for all the free drinks i got.” you answer with a simple chuckle.

“he’s definitely going to enjoy this.” the barista adds in a cheeky mutter before preparing the drinks.

it doesn’t take long for renjun to arrive despite your short notice, entering the coffee shop 10 minutes after you did. renjun quickly noticed the mocha frappuccino you ordered for him in advance and was about to speak against it until you rebutted with the fact it had already been made and paid for. it’s a good thing jeno prepares coffee fast, or else you might’ve had a conversation about who’s paying for who’s drinks.

“i really don’t mind paying for your drinks in the first place!” renjun replies before spinning his drink with a pout.

“i sure as hell don’t mind paying for yours either! won’t you just consider this as me making it even with you-” the ping of both renjun’s and your phone has you pausing mid-sentence so abruptly, pulling your device out to see the notification that your grades have been released.

“you’re kidding, right when i was going to enjoy my drink?” you grumble lightly before taking a deep breath. you weren’t usually so scared for your test results, but after your mind went elsewhere during exam season, you couldn’t help but feel a tinge of anxiety.

a hand rests gently atop your shoulder, making you peer your gaze towards renjun. “you’ll do fine. we prepared for the exams for a pretty long time, so i know your efforts will turn out to be fruitful.”

his reassurance was all you needed to muster the confidence to check your scores. biting your bottom lip, you open the email with your scores listed down, scrolling through it slowly as you read the contents. your eyes soon land on your grade and it’s actually higher than you thought it would be – it felt like a miracle was bestowed upon you and you couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. “renjun i did it!” you exclaim, raising your hands in the air.

“see, what did i tell you? i’m so proud of you!” his words make your heart swell with so much joy. he just said he was proud of you. he’s genuinely thrilled about your accomplishment. his sentiments make you think you could cry right about now.

you’re too caught up in his sincerity, not realizing the two of you are inches apart. one small movement from either of you would be all it took for your lips to be smashed on his.

what if you wanted to make that move? what if you wanted to kiss him? what if… he doesn’t want that?

the same thoughts are probably running through his head as neither of you take initiative, silently staring at each other like your eyes hold everything you’ve been meaning to tell him. it appears as if he realized you weren’t ready for any advances, now taking a step back and clearing his throat – failing to hide the blush that rose to the tip of his ears.

how cute. that familiar feeling of butterflies had erupted once more, however, there was now another emotion that lingered – fear. and that’s when it hit you; you were scared.

what were you even scared of exactly? to be honest, you didn’t even understand yourself enough to give a straight answer.

maybe it was the fact that your relationship had never really been unstable at any point. the fact that it was going so well with him was what made you scared. what if everything would easily come crashing down and you’d never be able to talk to him again? you didn’t want to mess that up, no way. because of that notion, it felt like you were walking on thin ice, wanting to do all you could to keep up the good relationship you had with the boy.

you treasured him more than you’d like to admit.

there were also those negative thoughts you stored in the back of your mind, now resurfacing as you begin delving into them once more. most of those who tried to acquaint themselves with you ended up having a hidden agenda up their sleeve. you’d learn to shut those people off once having the impression they were up to no good, but you couldn't do that to renjun, not when you liked him so much.

it seems as though you had been sharing your thoughts aloud without noticing, with renjun being right next to you. shit, you messed up big time. not only did you confess you harbored feelings for him, but you voiced out your suspicions too. now he’s going to think you’re some kind of crazy-

“do i need an ulterior motive to love you?” renjun perks up from your claim, albeit a little shocked you’d assume that of him. your train of thought comes to a freeze, hearing him confront you about your concerns. wait, wait- let’s backtrack a little. did he just confess to liking, or rather loving, you too?

truthfully, that one sentence was all it took to leave you in a daze. you struggle for a moment to clear your mind, nodding your head as you anxiously reply. “most people have one when they do.” what were you even saying at this point? you didn’t really comprehend your own words either.

he takes a step forward. then one more, and another until he’s standing in front of you. his hand cups your cheek gently, radiating warmth — something you’ve grown to long for every time you weren’t in his presence. using his thumb to lightly swipe your bottom lip, he gets you to stop unconsciously nibbling on it from anxiety. “well, i’m not like most people. i’m in love with you, because it’s you.”

“because it’s me?” you mimic his words in a shaky sigh, “renjun, i don’t think you should be taking this on such a shallow level- i’m sure you… probably don’t like me that much. what’s there to like aside from my rich parents' money?”

“you’re kidding, right? why wouldn’t i like you when i’ve come to cherish every second we’re together because you always make my day brighter without even trying. even as we’re fighting right now, there’s still a part of me that’s happy because i can see you in front of me. this isn’t about money at all!”

“everyone values money one way or another, renjun! this isn’t just about the type of person i see you as.” you sputter out. you were still scared, scared to fall for someone who might actually like you, for you. his genuine love was unknown territory, and you didn’t know the first step on how to go about it.

“i won’t lie, money is valuable, but it’s not everything in life. there really are some things that money can’t buy.” he utters out slowly, wanting you to understand every word he speaks. “it certainly can’t buy you, no?”

you were left speechless because all renjun said was right. he knew the limits money had and understood that. money wasn’t everything, and it’ll never be able to buy someone’s true feelings. that was something you really needed to hear all your life. maybe you’d be less afraid to let people crash your walls down if you had come to terms with that earlier. maybe loving him would have been easier all this time.

“i- i’m sorry.” your words come out in a stutter, trying to hold yourself back from sobbing into his arms. “i’m sorry for thinking you were someone you weren’t. i just-”

“you don’t have to be sorry for anything. you had every right to question my intentions, okay? but from now on,” he starts, bringing his hands up to your already burning cheeks. “i’ll take care of you. i’ll make sure you know just how much you’re appreciated, not just by me, but by everyone around you too. i’ll make sure you know you’re loved.” his words flow out soothingly like a calm river, contrasting the harsh waves you had to deal with all your life.

“i’ll keep loving you for as long as you let me.” truly, at this moment, you know he feels like home, your home.

overwhelmed by emotion, you reach out for his embrace, and he extends his arms out wide as if it was first instinct. his arms that wrap around you radiate a comforting warmth, the hoodie he’s wearing smells a bit like his favorite mocha frappuccino, and his entire being has turned into something you were familiar to – you think you never want to go back to a life without him, and you don’t have to because he’s right here and he loves you.

looking up to get a glance at renjun, you see him being unable to contain his smile with the corners of his lips pulling up unconsciously. god, did you want to kiss his pretty lips. it all feels like dejavu – you were in the same predicament back then when you first met him except this time, you think you finally have the guts to act upon your thoughts.

just as you were about to lean in, you’re caught rather off guard by renjun beating you to it. you both always seem to have the same thoughts in mind as if you both understood each other without anything needing to be said. his lips slot perfectly against yours, and the tingly feeling has your stomach doing somersaults. eventually, you need to pull away for air, noticing how he was still chasing after your lips – yearning to lengthen the kiss.

“i was going to kiss you first, you know?” you bring up with flushed cheeks, reaching out to hug his chest because you were too shy to lock gazes.

renjun laughs softly at your confession, raising a hand to card his fingers through your hair. “i had a feeling you’d do that, so i went for it instead.”

“you really surprised me! i gathered up my courage and everything!” giggling at your own words, you finally felt complete.

as it turns out, those teen magazines weren’t phony at all. you just hadn’t met the right person back then, but that changed after you met renjun. emotions resemble a rollercoaster with all its ups and downs, however, you think you’ll continue the ride for as long as he’s with you.

taglist | @haeravlgs, @matchahyuck, @vantxx95, @ahnneyong, @lixxbr0wnie, @legbouk, @rocarecs

— lmk through an ask if you’d like to be added!

tags !!

316 notes · View notes

writingforcuteppl · 1 year

Text

Like I’m Gonna Lose You

PAIRING: Kenny McCormick x Reader

SUMMARY: You’ve been having nightmares for quite some time now but you always made sure Kenny never noticed, until one night when you woke up crying.

GENRE: Angst and fluff

WARNINGS: Mentions of death, swearing.

WORD COUNT: 1.6k words

“Stan, come on, we’ve been all over town. Care to tell me where is Kenny?”

“I promise if you listen to me and don’t ask any questions, we’ll be able to find him later” Stan has been acting really weird since the morning he knocked on your door and told you Kenny was already at the festival the town was having.

“Y/n, just don’t ask questions and trust me, ok?”

“Fine,” you sighed, trying not to think about where Kenny could be. As the day passed, you could see Stan was making you avoid everyone. You noticed the people in the town were looking, making you uncomfortable. It was as if everyone knew something you didn’t, including Stan. You could see and feel his nervousness as if he was hiding something.

“Stan, I’m serious.” you stopped walking and made Stan look at you. “Where is Kenny?” you asked once again.

His attitude was making you anxious. You noticed a lot of people were walking to the school, and you started to follow them. Your heart started pounding, and you felt something was up. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but something told you to start walking towards the school.

You heard Stan shouting your name, but you didn’t stop. It was like the whole town was at the school. It’s been years since you’ve been at South Park’s elementary school, so you felt a little bit uneasy to be walking through the school’s halls again. You realized everyone was walking to the auditorium, and you made your way to it, pushing everyone.

When you entered, you saw all of your ex-classmates and their respective parents turning around and looking directly at you with pitiful eyes. You could also see Kenny’s parents sitting on the stage. His mother was crying uncontrollably, and so was Karen. Next to them was a giant photo of Kenny. The type of photo you usually see at funerals.

You felt someone turn you around. Stan looked like he had run a marathon but was also crying.

“Stan, what the fuck is happening? Why are they crying?” you choked out, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to come out.

“He’s…” you didn’t even let Stan finish his sentence, even though you asked him in the first place.

“No, no, he’s not. I saw him yesterday, Stan. There’s no way he’s-”

“He’s gone. He’s never coming back, Y/n” You felt like someone stabbed you right in the heart and knocked out all the air from your lungs. “We’ll never see him ever again.”

“FUCK STAN! I GOT IT JUST-” The tears were streaming down your face at this point. Just the mere thought of never going to be able to see Kenny again was ripping your soul. “I didn’t even say goodbye to him….” you managed to say. Your whole body collapsed to the floor, and you screamed. The pain was way too realistic. This definitely was happening. Kenny was dead, and there was no way you could bring him back. He’s gone.

You woke up shaking and crying. You quickly looked around your room and saw Kenny lying next to you. You sighed out of relief. The feeling of losing Kenny felt too real to be only a dream. Kenny slowly woke up from the movement you created in your frantic search for him and noticed your state. That was enough for him to woke up completely.

“Hey hey hey,” you felt Kenny sitting next to you. “What happened?” Kenny’s arms wrapped around your body, and you let out a cry. As the minutes passed, you were trying to calm yourself down. Everything was just a dream, more like a nightmare. Kenny was fine, but the pain was real.

The void, the thought of losing him, was still there, and when you thought you were finally calm, you started to cry again. It was useless. And not only that but for the past weeks, for some reason, you’ve been having nightmares every night. Some of them always ended up in someone, or instead, something chasing you, trying to do something to you.

Those were the light nightmares. The ones with monsters or weird creatures were what you consider to an extent, a “normal nightmare.” The worst ones always involved losing someone you loved. Sometimes it was one family member, sometimes your best friend, and worst case scenario, this.

Kenny was starting to worry. You weren’t stopping at all, and it hurt him not to be able to do anything to calm you down. This was the first time he had seen you in this state. You always were able to never wake him up whenever you woke up in the middle of the night by a nightmare- constantly waking up feeling your pulse on your head and frantic breathing. You never jumped out of your laying position, so that was a plus.

But unfortunately, you never managed to fall asleep after waking up from a nightmare, too scared the dream would continue once you fall asleep again. So you just waited until it was a reasonable hour to be awake so you could start your day without any questions from Kenny. And that’s basically how your days for the past weeks have been. Of course, this time was completely different.

You felt Kenny hugging you harder, and that help you to come back slowly to reality. You focused on the way he was holding you and the heat that was radiating from his body. He was alive, and you were repeating that to yourself. He was safe, he was not going anywhere, he was well, and he was next to you.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Kenny. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” you hiccuped. Kenny sighed. That was the least of his problems right now. Kenny moved, so he was now sitting in front of you. He took notice of your tired and glossy eyes.

“Sweetheart, can I ask what had you all worried?” Kenny grabbed your cheek and gave you a quick peck on the lips.

“It’s not worth it, Kenny” You rubbed your hands on your face. You were tired.

“So you want me to ignore the fact that you woke up crying?”

“Kenny…”

“Please, love. Tell me what happened.” you sighed. You started to tell him everything that happened in your dream. How he disappeared, how Stan was trying to distract you so you wouldn’t find out he was dead, and how you found out he was gone forever. Kenny stayed in silence while you were explaining your dream. He grabbed both of your hands, and his thumbs were rubbing the back of your hands.

“It was horrible. It felt real. I really thought I lost you, Kenny. I don’t… I can’t live without you, and the fucking nightmare made me feel that.” Tears started to stream down your cheeks, but you tried to calm yourself. Kenny kissed your knuckles as a way to reassure you he was not going anywhere.

“I’m not going to leave you anytime soon.”

“I know that, but we don’t know what might happen. What if by tomorrow you’re not here anymore and-” You started to overthink.

“Wait, imma stop you right there. I’m not going to disappear or leave you.”

“But-”

“No, love. Listen to me. It was just a dream. Just because you dreamt about me dying doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen tomorrow. You cannot live with those types of thoughts filling up your head. Yeah, we are not immortal, and that’s bound to happen someday,” you closed your eyes. “But we cannot let the fear of losing our loved ones eat us alive. You have to enjoy your life.”

“Kenny…”

“So, as for now, let’s go back to sleep, and we will do something together tomorrow. I’ll take my beautiful girl out on a date.” Kenny kissed the tip of your nose and decided it was time you get some proper rest, so he laid down on his side of the bed and made you lie down next to him. He positioned your head on his chest. You wanted to fall asleep again, but you knew that wouldn’t happen.

“Uh… I have to be completely honest with you. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to fall asleep again.” Kenny started to stroke your hair, thinking maybe that would help you calm down. “And well… It’s been like this for quite a few days now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kenny asked.

“I didn’t want to bother and wake you up, Ken,” you heard him sigh.

“Has it always been this dream?” Kenny wanted to know if you’d been handling this by yourself.

“Fortunately, no. Most of the nightmares are things trying to kill me. I just wake up at the exact moment before they are able to catch me. Some of them are even worse since I cannot scream or run. But I prefer a hundred times those types of nightmares. At least I know those won’t happen ever.”

“What if aliens and monsters invade us one day?” you laughed.

“Well, that would be such an interesting thing to happen.” Kenny chuckled. “At least I’m gonna be with you, right?”

“Of course. We are gonna be together till the end of the world.” You heard how Kenny’s voice came out as a whisper. His breathing was also becoming softer, meaning he was starting to fall back asleep. You paid attention to his heartbeat, the pace was soothing, and somehow, it helped you. For the first time after a nightmare, you felt safe.

“Just promise me that you will tell me whenever you have a nightmare. It doesn’t matter the hour. Just wake me up. Promise?” you smiled.

“Promise.”

Maybe you don’t have to deprive yourself of falling back to sleep this time. Just as long as Kenny’s arms were wrapped around you, everything would be fine.

n a v i g a t i o n

Kenny’s Birthday Week Celebration.

#south park fluff #south park angst #kenny fluff #kenny angst #kenny mccormick fluff #kenny mccormick angst #kenny mccormick x reader #kenny mccormick #south park kenny #south park #south park imagines #south park x reader

173 notes · View notes

pedroscurls · 1 year

Text

Title: Broken Souls

Character(s): Joel Miller, Reader (female, second person POV) Summary: What happens when you realize love isn’t enough? And when years later, you meet again that all the pain and heartbreak comes rushing back... Like it never left. Word Count: 2,017 Author's Note: This idea has been brewing in my mind for a while now since I wanted to write a very angsty story. For now, this will remain as a one-shot, but I might come back to it later and delve it into a multi-chaptered story. Anyways, enjoy and thank you for reading! Warning: Angst. A lot of it. Also mentions of alcoholism/use of drugs.

You knew Joel and Tommy long before the outbreak. Being Joel’s neighbor meant that Sarah was over quite often whenever he was stuck at work, which happened to be most of the time. You didn’t mind though; you had developed a very strong bond with the young girl and a crush on her father.

It had taken Joel a while before he finally asked you out on a date and it excited Sarah so much to know that her two favorite people were together. She always made it known that she couldn’t wait until you and Joel got married, already looking up to you as a mother figure in her life. Joel always told her it was too early to tell, but he would always spare you a glance as if he was saying…

Not right now, but we’ll get there.

Being with Joel gave you a glimpse of a life you always dreamed of. The fact that his presence always made you feel safe and seeing him with Sarah always made your heart flutter. He was such an amazing dad and despite working so much, he always managed to find a way to make it up to her.

You and Joel were together for about two years before Outbreak Day. Your lives had changed all in one night and Sarah…

It still hurts to think about that night. Being there with Joel, with Tommy, seeing Sarah take her last breath in her father’s arms… It was never going to be the same anymore.

But that was twenty years ago.

And it had been ten years since you last saw Joel.

No one had ever come close to him. No one had ever made you feel as safe as he did, as loved as he did, and every night, nightmares plagued your dreams. You couldn’t sleep, not after everything you had done to survive.

Not after your decision to leave Joel ten years ago.

It was the toughest decision you ever had to make, but it was one where you decided to choose yourself over the man that Joel had become.

Long gone was the man who was so full of life, of love… He had become a broken shell of a man, putting up walls around himself not even you could break through. And you were tired. Tired of seeing him work himself day in and day out, busying himself of the thoughts you were sure were plaguing him as well.

But you had enough. You were exhausted, seeing him numb his feelings with alcohol and pills. He hadn’t said he loved you since that night he lost Sarah and while you couldn’t even fathom the pain he felt as a father, it was as if he dismissed your feelings and your pain while numbing his own.

“I’m tired, Joel,” you said, seeing him seated at the small table with a bottle of alcohol and pills he managed to trade for. While he had done odd jobs in the middle of the day, he was also smuggling every other night, which made his and your life a bit easier than most.

“Then go to sleep,” he replied, void of any emotion.

“Joel, that’s not what I mean.”

Joel took a deep breath and looked over at you. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, you could still visibly see the pain in his eyes. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me that me being here is enough, that you love me, that you’re hurting… I want you to just be open with me.”

“M’fine,” he replied.

“You aren’t!” You stood over him, hands on your hips and tears stinging your eyes. “Why can’t you just say it?”

“This world is fucked and I’m doin’ my best.” Again, no emotion. No reaction.

“You’re killing yourself slowly, do you realize that?” You said with a shaky breath. “I am watching you numb your feelings every night and it hurts. I am hurting… I was there that night too and–”

“Don’t,” he replied, his jaw tightening. Finally, a reaction. “Don’t say her name.”

“Joel,” you sighed. “I miss her too. You think I just forgot? That I just stopped thinking about her? You aren’t the only one that lost something!”

“She was my daughter.” Anger laced his voice. He was looking at you in a way he never had before and it terrified you.

“I know,” you sighed heavily. “But I loved her too…”

Joel shook his head. He grabbed the bottle and took a long swig of it, staring up at you. Then, he set the bottle down and stood from his seat. In this moment, you felt so small, so tiny in comparison to him. You had always felt safe with Joel, but not right now.

“You want to leave?” Joel said. “Then go. I ain’t stoppin’ you.”

“Joel,” you whispered, tears now trickling down your face. “I want you to tell me that you love me, that our love is enough in this shitty world, that we can heal together!”

“I can’t!” Joel yelled. “I’m not the man I was and I don’t think I ever will be! I ain’t gonna beg you to stay, so if you wanna leave, then fuckin’ go.”

“When did this all change?” You said quietly, wiping your tears away from your face. “When did we drift apart…?”

“The day the world ended,” Joel replied. And there it was. A slight quiver of his lip. It was barely there, but you noticed it. He was in so much pain and yet, he didn’t want to admit it. He was fine with the way things were, but you weren’t. As much as you needed him, you didn’t want to continuously watch him waste away. You didn’t want to continue to wait for him every night, watching him go straight for the alcohol and pills to help him sleep.

As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t even blame him for what he was feeling.

You just wished you were strong enough to stick around.

“I love you too much,” you whispered. You were staring at him, taking note of every inch of his face because you were sure this was going to be the last time you would see him. Behind his facade was a man who was once happy, filled with so much love. The man you were looking at now… was void of it all. “But I can’t stay here, knowing that one day you might not come home.”

Joel felt his heart breaking. He wanted to give you what you wanted, wanted to be the man you deserved, but he couldn’t. He lost a part of himself when Sarah died and he was sure there was nothing that could help. Not even you. He didn’t want you to leave, but he knew you deserved better.

Better than him.

“Then go,” he said quietly, softly, voice trembling just a bit. “Go…”

“After all that we’ve been through?” You replied. You were yearning for him to just say don’t leave.

But your hope was crushed the moment he replied.

“Yes.”

That was all it took. You weren’t going to beg anymore. As much as you hated him at that moment, you still leaned up to gently peck his lips. You could feel him kissing you back, but you pulled away as quickly as he tried to continue it. You knew that if you didn’t leave now, you weren’t ever going to.

“I hope…” you said with a shaky breath, tears now falling continuously down your cheeks. “I hope you find happiness again, Joel, because if anyone deserves it, it’s you…”

Joel stared at you, his eyes softening for the first time in a long time. But it wasn’t enough to make you stay.

Your love wasn’t enough and it hurt. It hurt like hell. Love was supposed to conquer everything, but right now, it just wasn’t enough.

“I love you,” you continued, bringing your hand to cup his cheek, feeling his beard against your fingertips. He leaned against your touch, never breaking eye contact. You knew this was it, so you tried to memorize his face, the way his skin felt against yours, and it just broke you even more. “But I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry.”

Joel then pulled away, walked back to the small table and looked away. “Me too.”

—

Ten years later and here you were, at Jackson. You still couldn’t bring yourself up to say his name, but the conversations you had with Tommy about him always left you a crying mess in the comfort of your own home. He even tried to set you up with the many eligible bachelors in Jackson, but they never worked out.

Because they were never him.

Since leaving, you had become a recluse, only talking to Tommy and Maria, and sometimes the person you were on patrol with. No one in Jackson fully knew your story, except for Tommy and Maria of course, they just knew that you had known Tommy pre-Outbreak and that you were a good shot.

Plenty of practice being out on your own, smuggling. Oh, if only he could see you now.

Time helped, though. It didn’t heal all wounds, but the days got easier, the pain settled, but whenever you thought of him, it came rushing back. Always one step forward, two steps back.

Today was your day off, but you were helping Tommy with some construction in the main center of Jackson. It was snowing and you were freezing, making sure that Tommy knew of your discomfort.

“Come on,” he said, chuckling. “You tellin’ me that you’d rather be at home than spend time with me?”

You glared, the tip of your nose red from being out in the cold. Your body always ran cold, so whenever the outside temperature matched, you were ten times colder than most. Luckily, you were wearing a beanie and some gloves. “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Tommy laughed. “And what would you be doin’ at home, hm?”

“I don’t know, maybe be warm.”

“Alright, alright. You got a point there. But, you’re always at home when you’re not workin’.”

“I don’t see that as a problem,” you replied.

He gave you a knowing look. “You haven’t made any friends.”

“What? Yes, I have.”

“Who?”

You cleared your throat and lied. “Luke.”

“Who the hell is Luke?”

“Okay, fine. You’re right,” you sighed. You knew Tommy knew everyone in Jackson, so you didn’t see why lying would work. “I just�� I’d rather keep my circle small.”

“Jackson is safe,” he sighed. “You’ve been grieving my brother for–”

“Don’t,” you replied. “Just don’t.”

Tommy set down his tools and looked over at you. “It’s been ten years.”

“Not enough time,” you replied too quickly.

“He did a number on you, didn’t he?”

“You’re telling me that if you lost Maria, you wouldn’t act the way I am?”

He cleared his throat. “Okay, valid point, but you left him.”

You sighed. “You don’t think I regret that decision? You don’t think that I wish I could have been strong enough to just stay? Pretending to be happy is exhausting, Tommy…”

“I’m not sayin’–”

“I’m just gonna go home,” you interrupted.

Tommy let out a heavy sigh, watching you walk away before he reached out a hand to touch your shoulder. He turned you around, taking note of the tears stinging your eyes. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just–”

Then, you both heard a voice.

His voice.

“Tommy!”

You both turned around, looking at the man who yelled Tommy’s name. He was on one of Jackson’s horses and while he looked older, grayer, he was still the same man you fell in love with all those years ago.

“Shit,” Tommy whispered. He gave you one glance and ran over to his brother, enveloping him in a tight hug.

You noticed the younger girl he was with, seeing her glance around the community.

Then, your eyes met his.

Joel fucking Miller.

---

Part 2.

@pedrostories

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fanfic #joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fanfic #the last of us #the last of us fanfiction #the last of us fanfic #tlou #tlou fanfiction #tlou fanfic #joel miller x reader #joel x reader #story: broken souls #one shot #one-shot #oneshot

159 notes · View notes

starrylayle · 3 months

Text

Marauders headcanons — Remus Lupin

Ok so, I’ve been seeing a lot of controversy surrounding the fanonization of the marauders era characters,, and while they’re in no way problematic per se, I’m more interested in headcanons that expand on canon characterization, so here’s a few of my personal headcanons:

5'10 -- quite thin, terrible posture

I imagine that Remus was quite strong despite his thin stature, possibly due to his werewolfness. We know from the books that Remus was able to contain sirius when he was in fits of anger, despite previous description of him as thin and frail.

Remus hates his strength, he is terrified of what he may or may not be able to do. He always tries to compensate for this, trying to be mellow, patient and doing his very best not to succumb to his anger. He thinks the anger comes from ‘the wolf’ and not him, so he does all he can to suppress it.

He is a very angry man tho — he just tries to suppress it, coming off as patient and mellow.

I also picture Remus from a poor background — I think that is mostly canon anyhow — he always tries to compensate for this by speaking speaking as posh as he can, dressing presentable, etc, etc. He doesn’t quite succeed in this tho and ends up coming off as a little awkward and stilted.

Ok now a little bit of projecting with something that’s definitely not canon but I think really fits into his character — he has OCD. Most of his intrusive thoughts contain him hurting his loved one as a werewolf, because he’s a werewolf, etc, etc. idk if this is common knowledge or not but a lot of ppl who have ocd (like me), when they’re met with these violent intrusive though perform obsessive rituals as a way to ‘counter act’ these thoughts from becoming real. So I imagine Remus is always mumbling to himself and doing repetitive tasks/gestures that no one really takes notice of except Sirius, who just assumes he’s being his quirky self.

Remus grew up pretty isolated, and when he did interact with ppl it was mostly with older adults so he doesn’t really know how to communicate with kids his age until he gets to hogwarts

I hc that his dad left shortly after Remus was bit (Lyall couldn’t stand the guilt and the hurt of having a werewolf as a son), so Remus grew up with a muggle mother who had no idea how to handle his wizard/werewolfness so he was being constantly hospitalised as a kid. His mother was also a little afraid of him and even tho Remus knew she loved him very much, he knew she didn’t quite know what to do with him. Also I imagine that his mum mental health slowly deteriorated after his father left so she was bed ridden quite a lot.

He loved reading and listening to music (could be a bit of a snob when it came to those two interests) as that’s how he used fill his void as a child. I really like the dyslexia hc that atyd had tho so maybe if he didn’t learn to read till hogwarts, he would spend most of his childhood in small isolated corners dreaming up worlds — and when he finally learnt to read that was his substitute.

Remus Lupin was not naturally smart,, but he never thought he’d be able to get into hogwarts and so he feels like he kinda owes it to himself to get good grades. Thus he studies so hard, way harder than sirius or James ever would have to, yet he doesn’t ever get quite as good as them. He is a little bit jealous but he would never hold that against them because he’s so grateful that he was even granted such an opportunity.

He feels like he doesn’t deserve friends as good as the marauders and has a huge inferiority complex. He keeps to himself and always tries to keep his issues away from his friends so as not to burden them.

He can be sarcastic tho, and has dry wit. He doesn’t think he’s very funny and always gets surprised when ppl laugh at his joke. He can also have a bit of dark humour at times.

He blindly trusts and idolises dumbledore. He thinks he owes his life to him, and would do whatever he could to please dumbledore.

During The Prank, he didn’t actually think he would kill Snape, probably just bite him, but for him a fate as a werewolf is much worse than death so he hates sirius for allowing that to happen. (In canon — it is stated that werewolves don’t often kill ppl — they usually just injure them or bite them into becoming one). Tho of course he forgives sirius eventually despite his better judgement, because he could never hold a grudge, especially against one of his closest friends (or lover…).

Appearance-wise, I hc Remus to be biracial. His mum is a Black woman from London and his dad is a Jewish Welsh man. he has light brown skin and eyes, a wide crooked nose broken from his nights in the full moon, and 3a-3b dark brown curls. I also imagine Lily to be from a Jewish background so I like to think that she would introduce Remus to Jewish traditions he felt that he’s been left out from — oh and speaking of which, Remus and Lily have a very special friendship!!

Also on appearance — i imagine that he’s super average looking. Like literally just some guy — sirius however thinks he’s so hot and that the sun shines out of his ass (no one gets it))

Remus with chronic pain + mobility aids. I think that lycanthropy being used as a metaphor for disability and such is quite common, and reasonably so.

Oh yeah, and this probably goes without saying,, he’s like, super gay. And in love with sirius. His marriage to tonks was one of convenience lol. (Again, just my headcanon!!)

Oop this was super long and ramble-y. Let me know if u enjoyed it and if u have any similar hcs! Prolly gonna do sirius next because that man is super mischaracterised in fanon holy shit.

#marauders #marauders era #marauders hcs #remus lupin #wolfstar #remus being remus #remus x sirius #canon remus lupin #remus lupin headcanon #remus lupin hcs #wet noodle remus lupin agenda

42 notes · View notes

mrwavellswaps · 1 year

Text

A Life He Never Had - Part 1 (Son’s POV)

➡️ Father’s POV ⬅️

I don’t think I’m ever gonna get used to this. Just a month ago I was young, hung and shredded with a fit as fuck girlfriend. Now I’m old, fat, hairy as fuck and no girl whatsoever… And it’s all thanks to my body thief of a gay dad!

It all started a couple of months back when my 51 year old dad finally came out as gay on his birthday after being closeted for so long. Suddenly his and moms divorce made a hell of a lot more sense. Yet everyone, me included, supported him and was happy that he was finally embracing his true self. Little did I know this was only the start of what was to come.

After this my Dad and I would occasionally have chats about how he wished he’d had the strength to come out earlier so he could’ve enjoyed his youth more. Saying things like people my age are lucky to live in a time where we don’t feel as though we have to hide who we are. Of course I’ve never had to, being straight and all, but I certainly understood where he was coming from.

“You know Son. Some days I just wish I could be your age again so I could give myself a real shot at young love and all that.” He said to me one day and at the time I just disregarded as my dad having regrets. But looking back I wish I hadn’t…

Some time after this the two of us were having dinner at his place as we usually did on a Friday night. It was like tradition at this point. Sometimes we’d have some other people round as well like my girlfriend or one of my aunts or uncles. This time however it was just me and Dad. He’d whipped us up some spaghetti and meatballs which was amazing as always before suggesting we sit and watch the game in the living room. He even got us both a couple of beers to drink as we watched… only the more I drank, the more tired I felt. It wasn’t until it was already too late that I started to catch on. My dad had slipped some kind of sleeping powder into my beer!

After that everything was a blur. I was fading in and out of consciousness as he put my arm over his shoulder and walked me to his bedroom. I can’t remember much more than that other than him tilting my head back and pouring some weird liquid down my throat. I think he drunk some as well but it was hard to tell. Either way I blacked out fully after that.

The next thing I felt was dream. A very lucid one at that. I was in the deep, endless void that was lit up by beams of light in the sky that somewhat resembled the northern lights. I remember looking down at myself to find my smooth muscular body fully naked and on display but before I had any time to process I heard someone calling me. Whipping my head around I saw only a could of feet away was my dad. Needless to say he was just as naked as I was which would’ve been more than enough to make me look away in embarrassment had I not suddenly felt my body freeze in place the moment I locked eyes with him. We stared at each over for a moment until a smirk broke out across my dad’s face. He reached out an arm and the very second it touched my chest, our visions flipped. Suddenly I was looking through his eyes, using his hand to touch my former chest. I was looking back into my own eyes with terror as he only grinned at me with glee. And then it all faded to black.

I found myself waking up the next morning and feeling very… off. Blinking my eyes open I looked around to see that I was in my dad’s bedroom for some reason. The events of the previous night hadn’t quite come back to me yet until I sat up. I instantly noticed something was extremely wrong. Not only was I on my Dad’s bed but I was wearing his clothes and my body… even under the shirt and jeans I could tell it wasn’t mine. Honestly I was afraid to look but I had to. I grabbed the underneath of my shirt and pulled it up to reveal something that made me scream in horror. A big hairy gut! But not just any gut. My Dad’s big hairy gut! My suspicion was only further confirmed as I inspected the rest of furry, out of shape body in a panic. I swear I almost had a heart attack when I felt the lack of hair on my head and the thick beard.

By this point I pretty much knew what had happened but I refused to believe it. Even when I looked into multiple mirrors and my Dad’s phone camera to see non-other than his middle-aged face. My world only truly came crashing down when I heard a knock at the door…

“Hey Dad. How’re you liking your new body.” I spun around upon hearing my own voice and what I saw was something impossible. It was me. My body. And if I was in my Dad’s body then that could only mean…

“What the fuck is going on!? Dad is that you?! Why the hell do I look like you!? And why do you look like me!?!? And… what the fuck are you wearing!?” I shouted frantically as he simply sipped on a freshly made cup of coffee.

“Oh this?” He said pointing down at the extremely revealing underwear. “It’s just a little something I picked up weeks ago. Thought it’d look good on this body is all. And damn was I right!” He claimed before turning around and giving what should’ve been my ass a swat.

I was in complete and utter disbelief. Somehow my own father had stolen my body overnight and was now parading around in it like it was his own. Needless to say I blew up at him, demanding that he fix this shit right now and get me the hell out of his body and back into my own. Yet through all my theatrics he stayed frustratingly calm before just flat out denying.

“Sorry kiddo, I’ve been planning this for the better part of 2 years now. Even if I did wanna swap back with you, the stuff I used is a one time thing. Once you swap there’s no going back.” He said as he made his way over to the mirror I’d just been freaking out looking at simply to admire his young 23 year old body and features. “So I suggest you get used to being a fat old man while I turn this body into the sluttiest gay this town has ever seen.” When he said that I had half a mind to beat the shit out of him right there but seeing my own face and body controlled by someone else was too jarring and off putting. Instead I just watched as he smirked at me with such smugness before strutting out of the room and leaving me to come to terms with this new reality.

Since then my life has felt like an endless nightmare. Every morning I get up with the aches and pains of a middle aged man, feeling distraught seeing my Dad’s face every time I looked in the mirror. Part of me also hated how hairy this body was and I would’ve shaved it all off had I not been worried that doing so would only make my fat all that much more obvious. That’s why I couldn’t help but feel an intense streak of jealousy whenever I saw my “Son” walking around the house almost naked just to show off his young fit body.

I resented him even more when he started to change my body for himself. Before all this I’d always kept my face and body perfectly clean shaven as a lot of chicks, especially my girlfriend, preferred smoother guys. That in mind I didn’t mind shaving often if it meant I got to taste my girlfriend’s pussy almost every night. But now that he’s in control of my body he stopped shaving all together, letting my body hair sprout again and even allowing a small beard grow in. I doubt my girlfriend would be much of fan, not that it matters since he broke up with her the first chance he got. “Sorry Dad but this dick ain’t going anywhere near a pussy ever again!” Is what he said to me after he told me about the breakup.

Since then he’s been living here and it’s been absolute hell. I’ve had to watch him bring a new guy home almost every before leading him to the bedroom. After that I can’t even bare to listen. I just either plug my ears with headphones or turn up the TV volume so I don’t have to hear him violating my body with another man. Even then he would still end up telling me about it afterwards. Saying how good it felt to finally get his hole stretched like he’d always wanted in his youth, even if it used to be mine…

I’ve tried to accept this new life but it’s hard knowing all that I’ve lost. At this point I just wish I could have a hot girlfriend again but I’d probably need to find a girl with serious daddy issues if I wanted to get one that was young like my old girlfriend. And even if I did my new dick is old and like half the size of the one I used to have. Safe to say I didn’t get that from dad… speaking of I think I can hear him now. He always likes to leave his bedroom door open when he decides to start pleasuring himself just so he can tease me that little bit more.

God I hate this so much. I hope someday I can find a way to reverse it…

#magic #potion #male body swap #male body theft #identity theft #father and son #permanent #hairy #dad #jock #straight to gay

268 notes · View notes

charmedreincarnation · 1 year

Note

Mayaaaa! I have been stalking you @lotusmi @multiversebaddie @blushydior and someone else I forgot their tag, I think they deactivated 😞 for a long time and you guys helped me so much 😝😝but I am sending this to you because u r the most active right now I believe but I got into the void state and shifted Using these blogs !

You guys all like Neville and say work on faith so I used lotus detailed posts, she’s an angel! And same with multi, I used her faith and Neville posts and combined with what I learned from lotus without over consuming since that’s a problem in the community. Then I used your intention reprogramming method I saw in your lucid guide and focused on faith and no methods! Just intention and it worked faster and more easy than any other method I tried for months. I did everything from meditations to Sunni method to 10k affirmation challenge to the Bambi challenge and nothing worked better than faith, neville, and intent.

I also used blushydior/Bambi’s @rosellesworkshop and @fleurx post to help create better habits for myself instead of crying but not doing anything. Sometimes all it takes is aesthetics to motivate you to stop crying and get off your lazy bum and get your dream life !!! I’m so angry it took me this long and 8 blogs to decide I was tired of my life and I deserve better. But I got here 😙 that’s all that matters

I manifested and revised

being 22, to 17 again because I lost my childhood to abuse but I still wanna be a grown

Become a successful drop-shipper and having a six figure stream of income. I have been broke forever so I’m going to get more and I’m so estatic to soon be a multi millionaire at 18

I’m going to start modeling and received an email from img modeling company that they are happy to have me in their agency

Desired face and body. Think Bella Hadid’s body but Taylor hills face but with my own twist because I wanted to be original

Acceptance to Columbia even though before the void state I failed high school and was definitely about to flunk out of college

Good self concept to makeup for all the times I’ve been broken and knocked down. I will never feel like that again

Perfect family, which was damn dysfunctional before the void

Dream apartment. My dad bought me an apartment in New York for college and it’s 6k a month but he payed the first year off and is giving me an allowance of 15k a month

Being a nepo baby and revised my treacherous past that I will never acknowledge again. It’s the soft princess life from now on forward

Also reading @voidsuccess encouraged me a lot because I promised myself I would stop at nothing to become the next post. I’m so happy I can say I committed to myself and promise 😇😇

Omg idk how I missed this earlier this is amazing! Yes girl periodt 💅 keeping it simple fun and easy will always benefit you at the end. And I’m also obsessed with all the users you tagged as well congrats 🎉 you deserve this and moreee 😭😭

I think this is my current fav success story wtf this is amazing. Ty for telling us your method bb, and periodt on the easy princess soft life !! literally same it’s what we deserve 💗

#law of assumption #manifesting #void state #void success #manifesation #neville goddard #shiftblr

479 notes · View notes

iyeonjuni · 2 years

Text

THE TWO OF US — S. JY

synopsis: when the chase for your dreams seem to have no end, you meet someone who’s walking the same road. two swimmers and a fleeting romance, could the both of you touch the stars that always seemed so far out of reach?

pairing: sim jaeyun x fem!reader

word count: 9.7k (a lot shorter than i thought it would be)

genre: highschool!au, swimming!au, strangers to lovers, first love!au, fluff, angst

warnings: insecurities, profanity, very mean coaches

note: it’s finally here! as a 1.3k celebration i’ve been wanting to put out another long fic for a while now and here it is! swimmer jake is in action!! thank you tiff @yeonify for beta reading this for me!! i also i know nothing about swimming competitions but i did watch 2 and a half seasons of free to know what i’m doing ,, hope you all enjoy ‘the two of us’ and let me know what you think!! <3

You watched as the clouds begin to merge with one another, the once blue skies slowly turning to grey. And yet, you stay motionless— the water beneath you keeping you afloat, and the low tide drifting you across the surface.

Drip.

Drop.

The droplets from the sky splatter against your face as it runs down your cheekbones. The raindrops grow bigger and the drizzle is frequent, causing you to close your eyes and feel the water rinse you from above. And even so, you refused to leave the pool— your daydreams filled with frustration, and your mind full of regrets.

Second place again? Don’t dream of entering nationals.

You should be used to it by now— the voices that constantly haunt your self-esteem. It has been five whole years and yet you hear the exact same words. Second place. It seems like it’s all you could ever get no matter how hard you try and how long you practice for. You hate how you could feel your tears in the corner of your eyes, though the rain masks it up. You take a deep breath as you sink yourself, the water engulfing your body a whole. You come up to catch your breath and just like magic, the rain seems to stop.

You pushed yourself off the edge of the pool as you grabbed your towel, heading to the locker rooms to rinse the chemical infused water off your body. A deep sigh leaving your lips as you swung your towel around your neck. It had been a while since the competition had ended, paying no mind to whether people were still here. It was better this way, since you didn’t want anyone to question why you were still hanging around the pool after everything ended.

Tossing your towel on the seats you head for the shower room to rinse yourself, the shower quickly warms up your body from the rain. You quickly got changed and grabbed your belongings from your locker before heading out— till the sound of chatter heightened your senses.

From the corner of your eye, you see a young male with the coach who you seemed to recognise from the male swim team. The male appears to be looking at the floor, as the coach constantly pokes his shoulder. It’s definitely not a heartwarming scene, but it’s something that you’re familiar with.

“At this rate, you won’t go to nationals.” You could hear the coach speak, and somehow it feels like he’s taking a jab at you.

“Second place! Is that all you could do?” Second place. It hits way too close to home. And you felt like if you continued to listen any longer, you would fall into the void of your thoughts once again. You pretend like you heard nothing, and quickly turned away from the pair as you left the building.

There are little to no stars above and the glow of the moon is blurred behind the fog of clouds. Cars are driving past you as you sit underneath the shade of the bus stop, sighing for what felt like the nth time. Thinking back to your conversation with your coach— were dreams always so hard to achieve?

Ever since you were little you loved the feeling of water against your skin, whether it was freezing cold or lukewarm— you had always enjoyed the way it embraced you whole. When you thought you couldn’t love being in the water even more— you learnt to swim, loving the speed, the resistance and the freedom it gave you to travel amongst the waves. You love swimming, and you want to make this a part of your life— to be remembered by something you are passionate about.

But now, just like the moon above— the vision of your dreams seem to be unclear. Like the stars in the sky, your goal seems to be so out of reach.

Always one step behind, and always trailing behind.

You suddenly felt a presence next to you. Usually you wouldn’t pay no mind, but somehow an unknown force brought your eyes to face the person. A male wearing the same uniform as you— instantly recognising him from the swim team, bangs still wet and a solemn expression painted on his face. You watch him as he looks up at the sky and sighs— a sense of deja vu hitting you as he’s acting the exact way you did prior. You’re drawn to him, and you realise he must be the boy you accidentally overheard in the hallway of the locker room.

And although you did not know his name, nor anything about him— you could somehow understand how he feels.

“It’s so far, isn’t it?” You didn’t realise you had said it out loud, though the male doesn’t seem to be fazed by a stranger talking to him unexpectedly.

The both of you look up at the skies. You have seen brighter stars before, but today— it just seemed like a speck of dust amongst the vastness of darkness.

“Will we ever get there?” The boy wonders and you’re surprised that his voice is a lot more soft spoken than you thought. Though it sounds soothing, complimenting the crisp air of the Autumn breeze.

You didn’t know how to reply. Personally you’re not so sure what your future lies ahead and you’re afraid to give him an answer.

So you hum in response, and yet he doesn’t question any further. A comfortable feeling of tranquility between the two of you, as you watch the vehicles run past.

The male stands up from his seat next to you, catching your attention as you look up at him. Spotting the bus halting at the station you’re at, you realise that it must be his ride home. He leaves you as he joins the line to get on, but just before he gets too far from your sight— he turns around to look at you.

“I’m Jake, by the way.” He smiles at you and which leaves a strange feeling in your heart. You realised, you haven’t had anyone genuinely smile at you for such a long time. Your team had never spared any glances your way, your coach was always so angry with you— and even your parents don’t seem to look at you the way he does. A sudden burst of energy, you return him with a smile of your own, your first smile of the day.

“I’m Y/N.”

There’s a line between you and the rest of your team. Sometimes you wonder whether you were really lacking, or was it because they were too good at the sport. Either way, you set yourself expectations every practice— hoping that you’ll cross the hurdle between first and second place.

After your last competition, your coach made you swim extra laps after practice. You tried to think positively, treating this a chance to practice and improve yourself more. Though, sometimes you wished you were as good as the rest of your team. You didn’t understand how your team always managed to get first in every category, and then there was you who grabbed second place every competition you participated in.

After the last lap, you decided to stay in the water a little longer. You had always preferred the water while you were alone. You watched the ripples of the pool, your fingers playing with the water droplets as you took your mind off things. When was the last time you had fun?

But your fun was short lived, hearing the faint footsteps entering the pool. Perhaps you have overstayed your welcome, you quickly swim to the edge of the pool. Pushing yourself up on the ledge, you stand up to grab a towel and leave. Your franticness makes you bump into an unknown figure, causing you to bow repeatedly.

“Sorry, I’m leaving now-”

“Y/N…?”

You look up to see the familiar boy you met at the bus stop, shirtless from waist up making you step back in shock— almost causing you to slip till he reached for your arm to maintain your balance.

“Thank you…Jake.” You sigh in relief as you stand back up, the feeling of his wrist around yours still linger.

“It’s no problem, what are you doing here?”

“Had to do extra laps.” You sound defeated in comparison to the look on your face. You seem way too happy to be doing extra laps, but perhaps it’s because of the boy standing in front of you.

The silence was a little awkward between the two of you, and before it could get any worse— you decided to take your leave, bowing once more before walking past him.

“Do you-” His voice made you turn to look at him, almost a little too quickly. “…want to watch me practice?”

You didn’t hesitate to give him a slight nod, and you swore you could see the slight brightness in his features and the small smile that prints on his lips. He quickly does his warm ups on the side of the pool while you make yourself home on the bench.

He steps onto the platform, his toes curling inwards at the edge of the pool before pushing himself for a dive. You watched him as he spreads his arms out wide, his broad back along with the length of his arms resisting against the water. You assume he specialises in Butterfly, with the way his form is straight as he forces himself up with the movement of his arms. The splash against the water was minimal and he’s going at a steady speed— it almost makes you wonder why his coach was so hard on him when he’s doing such a difficult swim style so effortlessly. You had never watched the male swim team, but if he was always second place— how good were the other players?

Watching him swim was an eye opener— you think that the distance between him and the stars should be a lot closer than you. Everything about him was flawless, and that he did not deserve to be told like he couldn’t pursue his dream.

Just the sounds of water splashing against the kicks of Jake’s feet, and the catches of breath you could hear when Jake’s head comes up to leave the water. You wonder what thoughts are going through his head? The more you watch him swim, the more interested in him.

“Do you want to race?” You don’t realise that Jake had just finished his laps. He places his arms on the edge of the pool to look at you. You realise he looks like a puppy in water, and your heart couldn’t help but feel warm at the sight. You quickly toss your towel next to you as you begin your warm ups.

“Bring it on.”

Jake won.

And even so, it didn’t feel as bad as the races you did. Not because it wasn’t a real competition, but maybe because your mind was at ease with him around. It was like a reminder to you of why you enjoyed being in water so much, you have not had this much fun in a long time. Though, all fun things come to an end.

“Do you think this is the time to play around?” You suddenly hear a shout coming from the entrance of the pool, you turn your head to see your coach and he does not look happy the slightest.

You quickly pushed yourself off the pool and stumbled towards him. Refusing to look at him as your head held low.

“At this rate, you’re going to be second place forever!” The volume of his voice is enough to attack your emotions, feeling the familiar burn in your throat. You’re mustering the courage to say something until you see Jake stand in front of you.

“We were practising together.” Jake looks up at your coach sternly.

You peek up to see your coach looking at you, then at Jake before looking back at you.

“As you both should, since the both of you are bringing your own teams down with your second places…” It hurts more than it should, and suddenly the vision of your dreams began to shatter.

“We will go to nationals.” You look up at Jake in surprise, you never thought that he could say such words with confidence. And somehow, your admiration for him grew even more. Even with such hurtful words coming from your coach, he doesn’t seem to falter at all.

“We’ll see about that.” And your coach walks away from the both of you. Once he was out of sight, you could see Jake lose his balance as he let out a sigh of relief. His stumble causing your reflexes to hold him and he gives you a smile.

“Let’s prove him wrong.”

You remember the first day of your school year. Excited to dip your feet in the large waters of your school’s swimming pool. The main reason you joined Belift High was because of its alumni, as well as the countless prodigies they have supported. In its history, there was not a single time where Belift High swimmers had gotten anything below first place. And you thought that you could walk in the same shoes as them.

You knew it wasn’t a walk in the park, but you didn’t know how competitive it would be.

You had admiration for your current coach, the very person who brought golden trophies to Belift each year. You respected him— you still did, but his words had always brought a knife to your heart one stab at a time.

“What is your future goal?” You remember he asked each student after the first swimming heats of the semester. You remember the expressions on your team’s faces, all sporting bright smiles and eyes glistening with their dreams in mind. You could see your coach acknowledging and nodding at their goals too. So you did the same, your innocence showing and stars in your eyes as your coach asked you the very question he asked his team.

“I want to go to nationals. I want to swim for the country.” And it was then you watched your coach’s expression turn sour, his smile wiped off his face instantly and with a deep breath he gave you the words you least wanted to hear.

“What place did you get today?” His voice is stern and his expression is unreadable. Though with your own instincts, you could tell your coach was not happy in the slightest.

“Second.”

“At this rate, nationals isn’t even close.”

You could feel your throat burn as tears started reaching at the corner of your eyes. The fact that your team was snickering at you doesn’t help your emotions either. Though you wiped your tears with the back of your hand, hoping you could control your broken heart as well as the dimming fire within you.

And even years later when your coach asks the same question, you tell him the very, and he replies with the same.

Today, your coach bumped into you in the hallways mentioning how he wanted to talk to you and the rest of the swim team after school. Usually in situations like these, it either meant two things: you were probably going to be scolded again or there is a competition coming up soon.

And though you should have been used to it by now, you always dread every meeting with your team.

As you made your way to the swimming pool, you took notice of a group of boys coming out of the locker rooms. And there you spotted the boy that you had been slowly but surely, growing a friendship with.

“Hey!” He pants.

“Hey.” You smile back at him as you watched him catch his breath. And you stopped to stare at him a little longer, his hair wet from practice, you could even smell the chlorine mixed with whatever shampoo he uses.

“Did you hear about the upcoming competition?”

You assume that’s what your coach was going to talk to you about today and you could feel your heartbeat out of your chest. It’s no surprise to have competitions once in a while, but this always meant that your coach will train you harsher than before, especially with your coach’s distaste in your skills anyway.

“I think it’s what I’m here for anyway.” You smiled at Jake and you watched him as he gave you a pat on the back.

“You can do it!” He smiles at you with a little fist bump before his friends pull him away. You gave him a wave and waved back before turning back to his friends, you could see them tease Jake as he pushed them away in laughter.

At least Jake and his team get along well.

And as expected, a competition was coming up soon and your practice is scheduled to be a lot more tougher than usual. You were told there may be a couple of scouts and recruiters during this competition and it would be a good chance for the team to get noticed if they ever wanted to be in the national team. The news gave you a burst of confidence, and even though your coach kept looking at you as if he didn’t expect much— you wanted to see the look on his eyes when he realises the potential you could carry.

To do this, you decided that you needed to train a little more and a little harder around your current training regime. You would’ve wanted to ask your team to practice with you but seeing as they do not care about you in any way, you’ve thought about asking your only swim friend.

Speaking of the devil, you watched the classroom window as he walked right past. You quickly got up from your seat, the friction causing a sudden screech alerting the entire room— you ran out of the door to catch up with Jake who was just heading to his own homeroom next to you.

“Jake!” You called for him and he turned around, a big smile on his face as if he was happy to see you.

“I wanted to ask you something, I’m not sure if you’re up for it though…” For some reason you felt your confidence diminish by the way he’s looking at you, he’s staring right into your eyes and that alone left your blood rushing up to your cheeks in embarrassment.

God, he is beautiful.

“What is it?” He tilts his head. And his voice sounds so nice too.

“Ah-” Your admiration interrupted as you went back on topic, “I wanted to ask if you want to do morning swim practice with me for the upcoming competition?”

You refuse to look at him, afraid that he’ll laugh at you for some reason or even question why you’re trying so hard. You slowly take a peek at him and you see him checking his phone, leaving you confused.

“Sure! I have nothing in the mornings.” He then gives his phone towards you, “Give me your number I’ll call you!”

The whole ordeal is happening too fast and way too well for you to imagine. You almost couldn’t believe what you had just heard. You slowly take his phone with both hands and insert your digits. And with a smile on Jake’s face he places his phone in his pocket and waves you goodbye. You wave back though you stood at the same spot, dumbfounded at how smoothly it had just gone. As he’s out of sight you feel a smile slowly creep up, the excitement building up for what’s about to come.

It’s early in the morning, the sun has yet to greet you and the school was filled with nothing but rustling leaves dancing across the field. You had arrived slightly before your meeting time with Jake and you thought to let the security know about your morning practices.

You’re waiting for Jake at your school’s swimming pool. The guard was nice enough to open up the area for you before school starts. You had gotten changed and did your warm up beforehand, leaving you to dip your legs into the water as you waited for the boy. You suddenly hear the frantic footsteps coming from the pool entrance and you see Jake panting with his swim gear.

“I’m so sorry! Let’s begin.” Jake laughs and you laugh along with him, walking towards the diving platform as you wait for him to get ready.

As Jake steps onto the platform next to you, he pushes his goggles against his nose bridge and he gives you a little smirk. You smile at him as you do the same, pulling your swim cap down before gripping your toes against the edge of the platform. Your arms pointed towards the pool as you took a deep breath.

“See you at the finish line Jake.” You spoke quietly but enough for him to hear and he counted down.

“3…2…1…”

“Go!” You both push yourself off the ledge as you begin your freestyle race, your arms flicking towards the air before striking down, turning your head sideways to get a breath in your system. You kick against the water and you could hear the muted splashes against your feet. With the corner of your eye you could see Jake was just in level with you. You turn forward, watching the finish line grow closer and closer as you reach your fingertips as far as you can as you touch the end of the pool. You rose from the water to catch your breath, watching as you see Jake right next to you. You take a look at the timer on the board, and you were only off by three seconds.

“So close!” You removed your goggles, massaging your nose bridge from the pressure.

“You did better than last time! You’re definitely going to do well.” The words that come out of Jake’s mouth reassured you, and you hoped you would hear it again from him on the day of the competition. You quickly pushed yourself off the water and grabbed your towel and stopwatch in the process.

“Alright, let's start with your practice first. Then we could do mine.” You suggested and Jake nodded as he began to swim back to the platforms.

Jake swims as if the water rides along with him, he spreads his arms as wide as he could, the stretch accentuating his broad back and he lifts himself up so effortlessly. It does not make sense that Jake would come in second with skills like this. He truly resembled a butterfly rising through water, his arms as his wings and the water completing the art that he creates through the way he swims. It’s beautiful, and he is everything you wish to be in the eyes of others.

With each lap Jake does, his time decreases little by little. To you, such improvement could only be because he was such a good swimmer. Yet again, how could his coach not see the beauty that is in the way he swims? What was it that Jake lacks in the eyes of his teacher? You look at Jake with glowing eyes and you don’t even notice that he does the same. He has stopped his practice and he’s staring at you. And even without saying, all he does is gives you a smile and it’s like he’s telling you that you could do the same.

You have been practising with Jake for almost a week now, and you do see the improvements in both Jake and yourself as well.

Jake gives you the best comments and feedback in the way you swim, he gives you exceptional pointers on what you could improve and you were always thankful for Jake in allowing you to change the way you swim and yet focus on your usual form.

You wanted to thank him so you had decided to ask him whether he was available for breakfast before school which he agreed to.

You chose a tiny coffee shop close to the school. The coffee shop was hidden in the main street, different potted plants decorate the window sills and the aroma of coffee scented around the entrance door. You’re quite happy that you’ve found such a gem as none of the students in your school seem to visit this shop despite it being so close to your school.

“Sorry, I’m late! I never realised there was a coffee shop around here.” Jake pulls out his chair sitting before you.

“It’s alright. Not a lot of people know about this place.”

“Ooh…then it’ll be our own secret location then.” He gives you a little wink which causes your cheeks to heat up. You could tell that Jake is no beginner in flirtatious acts. He was definitely suave in more ways than you thought and even the wink was natural to him. You tried to put it behind you, even though you could feel your cheeks blush.

“I’ll take an iced latte, you?” You questioned.

“Iced Americano.”

The waiter takes both of your orders with a smile before heading back to the counter. You fiddled your fingers whilst trying to think of what to say to the boy in front of you.

“I just want to thank you for practising with me.” You shy away slightly. Jake’s presence makes you slightly nervous.

“No! I want to thank you for asking me. The sessions really do help me out a lot!” Jake smiles at you before the waiter interrupts your conversation with both of your drinks. You both thank the waiter before sipping your drinks, feeling refreshed at the sudden coolness.

The silence starts to grow comfortable, and you’re no longer nervous in front of Jake after a while of sitting in front of him. You both had been talking about things other than swimming as well as what you’re both up to in school.

Though as you both reveal more about each other, you start to delve into the sport you both shared.

“Why do you swim Jake?” The air grows a little solemn, but you’re curious. Ever since you eavesdropped on the conversation between Jake and his coach, you wonder what keeps him going.

“Because I feel free.” You nodded at his words, completely understanding what he meant. It was the exact same reason as to why you began to swim for the first place, and the same reason why you wanted to pursue a career in swimming.

“Then, what are your goals?”

“Nationals. It would be nice to represent Korea as well.” You looked at him in surprise. Your dreams were the exact same as his, and you suddenly grow a little too excited.

“Me too. Though, it’s hard when you're in second place all the time.” You sound a little dejected and Jake takes notice of him. With your head looking down you suddenly feel Jake’s warm palm on top of your head and you look up at him, slowly— so that he wouldn’t remove his hand away from you.

“We can do it, I’m sure.”

It felt like a sudden surge of energy rushed through you. Never would you have thought just simple words would leave you feeling motivated. He lets go and with the same hand, he gives you his pinky.

“Promise me you’ll make it to nationals.”

You stared at his pinky for a while, a little afraid to make such a big promise with him. You’ve always doubted your abilities, and you hate to make a promise that you can’t keep. You stare at his pinky for a while, and you could tell that Jake could sense your hesitancy.

“Come on, my hand is tired!” He encourages you, and you look at him. He’s still smiling, and with the look on his face he’s still coaxing you to make this promise with him. He has so much hope in you, and you vow to not disappoint him. But that is, if he is willing to walk the same path as you.

“Only if we both make it together.” You give in and interlock his pinky with yours. It’s like you could feel the faintest spark between your intertwined fingers. A symbolised promise between the two of you, and you’re hoping that it’ll come true.

You’ve been practising with Jake for almost a month now, and you have about another week left till the competition begins. Just like the usual routine, you arrive at the pool a little early, Jake runs in apologising for being late, and the both of you start with a race. This time, Jake suggested doing races for the full session so that the both of you are prepared for the real thing.

It’s also a good change of pace between constant sessions of timing each other.

“Loser gets splashed.” Jake speaks up next to you.

“You’re so on.”

The both of you count to one and like you’re most familiar with, you dive into the pool with ease. With multiple practice sessions with Jake, you began to find your own comfort and style while swimming freestyle. Your stamina was a lot better, and you felt a lot lighter in the water. And just a few centimetres away, your fingertips touch the wall and you see Jake trailing just slightly behind you.

“Yes!” Your fist punches the water in excitement and Jake applauds you. You take a look at him and in just a split second he begins to swim away as you push the water against him. You watched as he used his hands to shield the water splashing towards his face, but you gave him no mercy as you continued to chase after him. You caught up to him and in defence he grabs onto your wrists pinning you against the corner of the pool.

The sounds of the water splashing stops and the pool is silent. The laughter shared between the both of you dies down as you realise your compromising position. You think Jake was going to let go but instead he does nothing but, though his grip softens a little bit. You try to avoid his eye contact but it was no use, so you stare back at him and you watch as the droplets on his face drips down to water below you. You watch him focus on your eyes, then now to your lips then back towards your vision once again.

“C-Can I kiss you?” It’s the first time you see Jake so shy to the point that he even stutters on his words. Right now, you would like to believe you were in a dream. Jake was only centimetres away from you, the sunlight from the window behind you shining as if the spotlight was on him. He’s glowing in front of you, and the outline is so bright he doesn’t seem real. So much that you closed your eyes and open them again to just to see if you would wake up from the dream you believe that you are in.

But he’s still standing before you, waiting for your response and he’s quivering— anxious but yet hopeful that you’ll allow him to place his lips on yours. So you nod and you close your eyes once again, and then you feel the cushion of his lips pressed against yours. His soft lips taste like chlorine but you didn’t mind, all you knew was that the boy that you’ve been trying to reach is right in your arms. He lets go of your wrists and holds your cheeks in the warmth of his palms and you wrap your arms around his neck as you cherished the moment.

“I really like you.”

You felt like you were on cloud nine.

There is an unspeakable feeling between you and Jake. After your rendezvous with him, the both of you continued practising with smiles on your faces. No words exchanged but just a newfound understanding between each other. The feeling of being with Jake could not be explained in detail, and yet you feel yourself grow to like him more each day. You’re starting to believe you cannot live a day without seeing him at least once.

There is no label that describes your relationship with him. And you’re aware that in the opinions of others it may be a bother— unsure of what line they are treading across. But you’re quite content with what you and Jake are now. You like to emphasise that it’s more of a relationship between two people who are beginning to learn the feeling of love.

Even without saying it directly, Jake seems to feel the same way. And it’s clear to the both of you that it’s your first time experiencing such an emotion between you. And it’ll likely take some time for the both of you to accept each other as two people who are in love.

You’ve always imagined falling in love to be a magical thing, a slow process between two people and a rare occasion for one to reciprocate feelings for another. But after your shared kiss with Jake, your perception had shifted drastically. Not only has it been less than a few months since you’ve met Jake, but your feelings for him developed so quick that you almost didn’t notice it until he asked to kiss you. And with that, it seemed like he has taken an interest in you too.

Though, you couldn’t dwell on your feelings any longer than now that your competition is only a day away. It sucks, but the both of you have to focus on what’s ahead of you. As the hours go by, you start to feel distressed and worried for what the future holds.

You’re wiping your palms against your uniform as you start to think of all the possible scenarios that could happen at the competition when you accidentally bumped into Jake who had just sent off his friends.

“Oh Y/N!”

You were a bit shy to look at Jake, memories of the morning flashing through your mind. You look away towards the window next to you, but Jake couldn’t help but move his face in line with your vision.

“Now, don’t be shy. You weren’t so shy with me when we-” Your eyes quickly widened and reached for Jake’s mouth to prevent him from teasing you any further, turning your head left and right to see if anyone heard the conversation. Making sure the coast is clear you let go of his mouth with a sigh and Jake chuckled.

“Good luck on the competition tomorrow.” He quickly sneaks in a quick peck on your cheek before running away, shouting a ‘Bye Y/N!’ loud enough for everyone in the hallway to hear his voice. Usually you would want to hide in a corner in embarrassment, but you were too caught up on the sudden peck to dawn on what had just happened.

He’s a sneaky one, isn’t he?

And soon the day of the competition arrives. You were doing stretches in your changing room, while the rest of your team chatter amongst themselves. You plugged in your earbuds, listening to some acoustic music to calm your nerves down. Even so, you could still hear the loud cheers from the crowd outside and you hoped to not disappoint them with another second place.

Your competition was one of the firsts of many races today. The sun was blaring from above, the noises from the thunder sticks hitting against each other along with the chants from the bleachers could be heard in the sidelines. The atmosphere was intense and it gave you the adrenaline rush that you needed.

Passing the heats of your swimming competition was easy but you knew that the finals was what always set you back. The opponents you faced were nothing like the heats nor the players back in middle school. Seeing so many incredible swimmers made you realise that your goal was definitely not an easy ride. Mentally giving yourself a pep talk, you did your final stretch before stepping onto the platform. The sounds of the crowd now tuned out and all you could focus on was the rapid thumps of your heart against your chest.

“On your marks, get set…”

The siren blares through and in reflex you push yourself off the ledge of the diving board. The tips of your fingers pierce through the water as you perform two butterfly kicks before fluttering your feet against the water. You swim past the resistance of the tide, your arms stretching as far as you can to get the most out of your strides. You try to limit the amount of times to catch your breath, hoping to use your stamina to the fullest till you reach the finish line.

With each kick you splash against the water, the closer you see yourself to the end of the pool. So with one final push you stretch your fingertips to the wall, touching it fully before taking your head out of the water.

You hear the crowd cheer and you’re nervous to look at the scoreboard in front of you, it’s only when you notice your coach in the end of the pool with his jaw dropped you look at the board above you.

You did it.

You had made first place, and with the fastest record out of your team.

Then the emotions got the best of you. The tears began to fall nonstop, it’s almost as if your team began to cry with you. As you pushed yourself out of the water, your team immediately ran to hug you— even though they never treated you well and they were also your rivals, you had always felt like they somehow understood your predicament. No matter how skillful one is, everyone has had a journey to get to where they are.

You wrap yourself with your towel as you head to the locker rooms, only to see Jake waiting for you at the entrance. And without thinking you ran up to him and he took you in his arms, crying on his shoulder more. He pats your back in comfort and gives you tiny pecks on your forehead, and if you weren’t too busy crying you would see the slightly watery eyes he has.

“You did so well.”

You pulled back with a smile as you wiped your tears and patted your puffiness down, “Good luck.”

Jake waved you goodbye and you quickly went to get changed so that you could make it in time for his race. You were nervous for him to say the least, but yet you were confident he was going to do well.

Once you were warmed up, you sat on the sidelines to cheer for Jake. He was warming up in the centre lane, and you took a look at his opponents while you were at it. He steps on the platform, realising that he was about to start his race any minute now. You look at him closely, your fists balled in your lap as you silently cheer for him in your heart.

The siren sounds the entire pool and the swimmers dive into the water. Your eyes never leave Jake as he swims just like you have witnessed many times before. He’s still as beautiful as ever, just like a butterfly in his element as he flies across the water. You see him taking the lead and everything seems to go smoothly so far.

Wait.

You stood up from your seat as you took notice of Jake holding onto his arm right for a split second, but yet he acts like nothing has happened and he continues to swim. You begin the worry now, and you could see he’s trailing behind a couple of swimmers right next to him. You quickly walk towards the end of the pool, hoping to catch him at the finish line. You could tell that he’s hurting and even so, he does not give up, and he manages to snatch himself a second place after all. Though with the way he’s looking at the scoreboard he does not look pleased, and neither does the coach who is staring him down. He pushes himself off the water wincing at the pressure he places on his arm and walks away from his team as well as from you.

You would like to believe that he may have not noticed you standing there, but you thought you should leave him alone for now.

You hope that he’s okay.

“Y/N congratulations! It seems like the Seoul swim team has taken an interest in you.” Your coach lets you in on the big news and you stood in front of him mindlessly, trying to take in your coach’s sudden change of attitude as well as what you had just heard from him.

“Seoul?”

“Yes, they are inviting you for tryouts after your senior year ends.” The coach gives you a pat on the back, “I knew you could do it, I was just trying to give you that push.”

You watched as your coach walked away, though you are really happy that one of the biggest swim teams are interested in you— you couldn’t help but worry about Jake.

You had not spoken or seen him ever since the competition, and you thought to give him a few days for him to rest. But as a week goes by, you begin to worry for his well-being. You asked his team his whereabouts and they tell you that he hasn’t been showing up to practice as well as his classes. You tried calling and messaging him a couple of times to no response, so you asked his team for his address.

You’re standing in front of his door and you start to think of the multiple things to say once he opens the door— or maybe he won’t open the door at all. You were about to walk away when you suddenly hear the door open and Jake peeks out to look at you.

“My friends told me you were coming.”

“Ah.” Well this is slightly embarrassing.

“Come on in.” He opens the door further and lets you inside. You proceed to take off your shoes and walk in his apartment. His place was clean, decorated with wooden furniture and potted plants, a couple of medals and trophies from the bookshelf as well as family pictures on the drawers.

“Drink?” You hear Jake ask you from behind, you turn around to face him with a smile.

“Water is fine.”

You made yourself comfortable on his couch, staring at Jake as he prepared your water. Usually he would be happy to see you, he would even be the one to initiate conversation— but today his face shows no emotion, just sadness behind his eyes. Instinctively you walk up behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist from behind and he stops everything that he’s doing.

“Tell me what’s on your mind.” You could feel Jake’s shaking up and you take a peek to see his tears rolling down his cheeks. You let go instantly and made him turn towards you, wiping his sadness away.

“Why is it so hard to achieve your dreams?” You could hear the crack in Jake’s voice and you began to embrace him once again, hoping you could comfort him in some way. He looks at the trophies and medals on his shelf, reminiscing the time when he felt happy in the water.

“Every time I see the finish line, it only goes further and further away.” He lets out an exhale, the words hesitantly coming out of his mouth.

“I’m tired Y/N, should I just…give up?” You look at him immediately and shake your head, refusing to hear any longer. You grabbed onto his shoulder to bring his attention to you, and you watched as his eyes widened. You were furious, you could not believe what you had just heard from him.

“What the fuck do you think you’re saying?” It was rare for you to use such language, nevertheless use a tone towards anyone. But you could not bear to hear Jake demean himself any longer.

“I see you looking at your achievements Jake, how did you think you got to where you are now?” Jake stays silent, letting you continue on. “It’s you. You worked hard to get here, are you really going to let all that go down the drain?”

“But Y/N I just feel like I don’t have a reason to swim anymore-”

“Me!” You cut him off and he looks at you, “I want to see you reach your dreams, I want to see it happen.” Jake softens up at your words.

“I thought of the same thing, I wanted to give up…that was until I met you. You told them you wanted to prove that we can do it right? You taught me to hold on, I don’t understand why you couldn’t do the same.”

“We still have one more competition left, and I want to see you reach the finish line. Whatever place you get, I want to see you swim.” And at this moment you felt yourself get pulled into Jake’s arms, this time a lot tighter than usual. It feels like he does not want to let you go, so you stay still for him to hold you a little longer.

“I’m sorry Y/N…I’m sorry. I’ll promise you, I’ll make it there.” And you wrap yourself around him once again, whispering reassurances to him that it was okay. You’re glad that you’ve managed to talk some sense to him, and you’re hoping he’ll reach for the same star that you’ve managed to get ahold of.

Ever since your win, you had been grabbing first place constantly and even your competition just now, you had just managed to get yourself a gold.

You knew that Jake was coming up soon and you prayed to yourself that he would swim through his laps without trouble. Sitting underneath the shade of the pool, you watched as he did his warm ups.

He was in good condition today, and deep inside you knew that he’ll make it to the finish line.

Like he always has.

You watched as Jake stepped onto the diving board, taking deep breaths, pulling his swimming cap and tightening his goggles in the process. He touches his toes and bends his knees in a position, his toes preparing himself for the push. You could hear the standby lines, and your heartbeat quickens in response. On three, the siren alarms and he pushes himself into the pool, his butterfly kicks smooth underneath the water, his arms stretches and his chest lifting himself out of the water to dive right back in. He’s quick with his arms and you could see him catch minimal breaths before resuming back in the blue. He’s reaching the halfway mark and he’s taking the lead, though you could not be relieved yet as his opponents are only a few strokes behind. Your eyes never left him, you’re holding your breath as he grows closer to the opposite end of the pool and he touches the wall. You immediately look up to the scoreboard and you see his time placed on the first row of the board.

He fulfilled his promise.

You quickly jump up and run to where he was. And you could see him punch the water in excitement as he raises his fists in the air in victory. Ignoring all the warnings of ‘no running around the pool’, you watched Jake leave the water and run up to you.

“I did it!”

“You did it!”

You both laugh in each others arms, ignoring the amount of people who were looking at the both of you. You could see his team cooing on the sidelines, even his coach seems relieved at Jake’s achievement. But Jake’s eyes were only on you and you had never ever been happier for him.

You notice that Jake’s coach is waiting for him, so you insinuate him to go to his team. Though he refuses to let go of his arm, you push him to go— not wanting him to get into trouble.

Everything is going well for the both of you.

You meet Jake at the rooftop of your school. It’s late at night, the moon shaped like a crescent, glows above you. And the stars shined a lot brighter than usual. The wind was crisp but not cold enough for an extra layer, and the air was quiet. You and Jake laid down, appreciating the glitters decorating the night.

“How are you feeling?” You break the silence as you turn around to look at him. Even at night Jake glows brighter than the stars in the sky, you could say that Jake is the star himself.

“Out of this world.” He replies as he turns to face you, his smile never leaving his face and he looks at you with loving eyes. “It’s all because of you.”

“No, it’s all you.”

You both stare at each other for a little longer before turning back to the sky, commenting on which star was the brightest, pointing towards different directions of the darkness. Daydreaming as you stare up at the sky, you could feel Jake intertwining his fingers along with yours, taking your attention away.

“Busan wants me.” Jake breaks the news and suddenly the air is tense, your face drops and you turn to look at Jake who is already looking straight at you.

“I know, Seoul asked for you right?” He continues on. You never had the chance to tell him ever since the incident, and you’re mad at yourself for not being able to tell him yourself.

“That’s good! We’re both one step closer, right?” You feign sadness, refusing to accept the reality that has been shoved right to your face.

“But…what about us?” You did not want to answer his question, nor did you want to face the reality that is your separation. You already swore to yourself you could not live without him, but who were you to stop him from chasing his dream?

“Jake…” You smile at him and he does too. Neither of you wanted to face the truth, and neither of you are ready to move on with your lives. The both of you would be too busy for each other, with training, practice and even your lives— deep inside you both knew that maintaining a long distance relationship would not last.

“You should go to Busan.”

“Y/N!”

“I can’t stop you from going to your dream.” You both stayed in silence. Jake understood you and he thought the same. He can’t bring you with him either and that you both had to accept the harsh reality. You don’t have a lot of time left together, and you did not want to leave Jake in an argument or even sadness.

“Then…let’s just cherish…what we have now, okay?” You nod at his words and he pulls you closer to him. You sniffle against his chest, hoping to treasure the moment with you in his arms.

Just a little longer.

Then senior year comes to a close. You’re wearing your graduation gown, taking pictures with your classmates and your team. Now that your school year has ended, you’ve grown to put all your bad blood and unwanted memories behind and appreciate the new friendships you’ve developed along the way.

No matter how many ups and downs you had with your team, you had always appreciated them in some way. Even though they never treated you well, you thought of them as a motivation to do better. And it took graduation to forgive and forget, and that even such experiences are memories you wished you keep.

However, there was only one person you wanted to see at the moment.

You ran to where his classroom is, peeking at the window hoping to catch a glimpse of where he could be. There you could see him taking pictures with his friends, and for a split second you spot him looking at you, gesturing you to come towards him.

You walk up to him and he passes his phone to his friends. “Hey, can you help me take a picture?”

He pulls you next to him and wraps his arm around you, his friends taking multiple pictures of the both of you in different poses. He takes his phone back and turns to face you, removing the strand of hair and tucking it behind your ear.

“Ah!” You reach for your pocket as you hand him an envelope, a ‘To Jake’ written on top of it. “Don’t read it now! Read it when you’re on the way to Busan.” He takes the letter from you and smiles at your handwriting before tucking it in his pocket.

You only have a few hours to spare before you both have to go your separate ways, and you’ve decided for your last time together the both of you would hang around your shared home.

The pool.

The both of you took your shoes off, dipping your feet into the water as you sat side by side. None of you shared any words, just trying to live the moment as much as you can with each other. You focus on the way the water ripples beneath your feet as Jake does the same, laughing at his antics as he kicks a little water to your side.

You hear his phone buzz indicating that it was time for him to go and suddenly everything hits you. Jake was about to leave you, and the both of you are about to take the next step towards your dream.

You send him off at the bus stop and he gives you one last hug. You did not want your separation to be a sad one, so you held your tears back and smiled at him as he let go. Though you’re still in his arms, you look up at him one last time and he returns you with a smile as well.

“Goodbye Y/N.”

“Goodbye, Jake.”

You watch him as he walks away further away from you, waving at him as he looks at you for a final time.

In your eyes, Jake was a star that you desired to reach. He stood by your side through the journey towards your dreams. You both relied and gave each other a reason to continue forth and without each other you wouldn’t be able to get to where you both are today. Though the moment between the both of you was brief, you knew you will always love Jake no matter how far he goes.

He was a part of your youth and you hope someday in the future, he could be more.

And that was a different story to be told.

Dear Jake,

By the time you’re reading this, you’re probably on the bus to Busan. Though Seoul and Busan are still part of South Korea it still seems so far away.

Do you miss me yet? Because I for sure, miss you.

I remember when we first met at the bus stop, I didn’t even know what came over me but I began talking to you. To be honest, I overheard your coach scolding you. I thought you were just like me— getting second place all the time, getting told off by the coach. So I began asking you, whether dreams were all so hard to reach.

And you questioned the same thing as I did, even though you never gave me a solid answer. But yet again, I couldn’t give you one either.

I thought it would be the last time I’ll ever see you.

But no, we saw each other again at school. And you stood up for me against the coach. It was then I realised you were a lot different than I was. I was so close to giving up, but you were always so positive. You were always so confident that you and I could make it to Nationals— even our coaches couldn’t see that kind of future. But you assured me that we will, you wanted to prove them wrong and you wanted to show them what you were made of. That alone had me motivated everyday, you inspire me to be better and not to give up on chasing my dreams.

And I hope you continued to do the same.

It took me a lot of courage to ask you to practice with me by the way. And bless, that you did. The practice sessions not only improved my swimming overall but I also got to know you even more. It was also then when we realised our feelings for each other. I never knew you felt the same way, and honestly it was slightly overwhelming too. To me, you were someone who was so out of reach, I did not deserve your feelings.

When I won my first competition, I knew I had to see you. You were my motivation, the reason for my win and you helped me so much to improve and find myself. I will forever be thankful for everything that you did for me. Don’t say it was all me, because without you I probably will not be entering Seoul tryouts right now.

Our chapter is coming to a close, but I hope you won’t be too upset. I just want to remind you not to give up, and that you will always get to where you are. It’s just the matter of time that you’ll touch the stars you desire to reach. I hope that Busan treats you well and perhaps in the future, we’ll swim at the same pool.

Actually, I know we’ll definitely see each other again.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. I know it sounds dramatic, but my youth was built around you. My final year of highschool ended perfectly with you, and maybe in the future we’ll share the same goal, just as we once did. I hope you take care of yourself, and I wish that you continue to be free.

And Jake, thank you for being my first love.

Y/N.

936 notes · View notes

blorbo-from-the-cosmos · 1 year

Note

hiii i read your post on how you entered the void! congratulations! the fact that you entered after trying for 3 years🥹 I had some questions! I hope you answer🥹

Did you manifest anything?

Did you twitch while entering the void?

P.S. I’m in my 20’s as well. I’ve known about void since two years. (i’ve not been trying to tap in since 2 years though) I want to tap in because i want to revise some situations also i love how the void sounds. So calming and peaceful. I know i’m so capable of tapping and getting everything i want.

(I’ve been so close to tapping in, my head gets heavy, i feel like i’m floating. I twitch too. But then it’s all the same. These symptoms and i don’t enter, i persist though. This whole thing goes on for an hour.) Although i don’t care about the old story. I’m assuming that i enter the void instantly!

Do you remember or have any idea as to how long it took you to tap in? Just asking cause i’m curious🦋

MOST IMPORTANTLY Do you have any tips/advice or just about anything to share as i will be entering the void tonight?🥹 i can’t wait to come back and share my success story with you🥹

thank you sooo much for the ask 😭 yes 3 years later I finally did it and in retrospect it’s so much easier than I ever could have hoped, but I’m in a weird way glad that it took this long because honestly I feel like I just needed all the change that happened in the last few years of my life to really appreciate the void and understand what it is that I want and truly desire 🥹 so, to answer your questions :

I didn’t manifest anything!

I had the intention to, but once I realized I was in the void I honestly just felt such a deep sense of relief and freedom; it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I realized I didn’t want anything because just being there and knowing I made it was enough, so I decided to just enjoy the sensation. I do plan to go back into it to manifest my dream life of course, but just in that moment it felt like I really just wanted to appreciate my accomplishment over anything else 💖

Yes I did twitch and move around!

I adjusted and turned and even when I felt myself falling into the void I felt that sensation of a weird twitch/jolt through my body. I didn’t care at all tbh, like I acknowledged all these movements and even intentionally moved around but I kept my priorities on focusing on the third eye area. Eventually, when it came to that final twitch, I interestingly enough felt it from a place beyond my body. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I felt like my consciousness acknowledged that I moved, but I was so detached from the physical reality that I felt it almost like something moved nearby me as opposed to my own body (kinda like when someone sits on your bed when you’re laying there and you feel the bed move, but it’s not your body that moving) :)

I honestly think it took less than 15 minutes max?

I can’t say for sure because of course I was kinda not really fully conscious nor was I counting the seconds, but it was definitely a process that took a good while. If I had to guess I think maybe around the 5 minute mark I was feeling symptoms, then somewhere between the 10-15 minute mark I felt that weird body twitch and then the next thing I knew I was in the void. It felt a lot shorter than that honestly, but I definitely don’t think it was anything less than 10 minutes tbh

Most Importantly!!!

First of all, I love having another person in their 20’s who can relate because same 😭 I also plan to revise my old story and honestly give myself a lot of the things and experiences I feel was deprived of my inner child, so I am so excited for you to enter the void and manifest all of your hopes and dreams 💕

I think my biggest piece of advice would be that there is no “right moment” to enter the void. Like I said in my post, the day I entered was entirely mundane and there was no special moment where I magically felt in my soul I would enter the void. I simply woke up and decided “you know what, I’m gonna enter the void tonight and that’s that.” I looked myself in the mirror in the morning and said to myself/my subconscious in the mirror that I was going to do it, and then I went about my day. I didn’t even think about it, I didn’t affirm, and I went to bed and shifted into the void!

It’s not about being in a perfect state or doing xy&z in order to make it or blah blah blah, it’s really not.

I’d compare it to completing a task, tbh, like when you wake up in the morning and go “I’m going to take out the trash because they pick it up tomorrow.” You don’t need to think about it 24/7, you might remind yourself every now and again throughout the day “oh right, gotta take out the trash,” but you don’t need to worry about taking out the trash. The trash isn’t going anywhere, and yeah it would suck if you didn’t take it out because then it’ll just sit in the garbage bin a week or however longer, but eventually it’ll be collected whether you do it today or not. You’ll take it out and sure, maybe you’ll think that you could’ve done the task sooner or made it easier on yourself, but it got done and now you can at least feel relieved that it’s no longer on your to-do list so you can focus on your other tasks instead.

So that’s my ramble! Thank you so much for your questions and I hope I answered them well enough! I’m so excited to hear your success story anon, please please please share it with me because I am genuinely so hyped up for your success <3

99 notes · View notes

gamerwoo · 2 years

Text

[Tales from the Pack] Soonyoung: Imperfect (Part Six)

Characters: Soonyoung x female reader

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, fantasy, fluff!!!!

Word count: 2,553

Summary: Soonyoung has always been desperate to find his mate, often going out into town at night to fill the void of imprinting that he craves so much. Then suddenly, you (quite literally) appear in front of him. He’d always dreamed and fantasized about what having his mate would be like, but the reality is nothing like he expected.

a/n: things in bold are in english and whenever soonyoung says reader’s name it’s meant to be reader’s surname (these are going to be reoccurring authors notes lmao) BUT ALSO!!!! things in bold italics are writing english and things in regular italics are writing in korean :)

Previous | Next | Imperfect Masterlist

_____,

I know this is a lot for you to deal with. I understand it’s scary for you. Kyung talks about you a lot so I know you get anxious and nervous about a lot of things -- especially new things and new people -- so I’m hoping maybe this might help calm you down a little. All I want is for you to be comfortable, but I know I might come off a bit strong. I’m just so excited to have found you, but I’m trying my best so you don’t feel overwhelmed. I wanted to use this letter to tell you about my feelings, because I hope that explaining myself and my thoughts might help since we can’t communicate well. Kyung and Hansol are helping me write this, so I trust there won’t be any miscommunication this time.

(There won’t be. -Kyung)

You let out a soft chuckle at that.

When I first saw you tackling Kyung, I immediately fell in love. I know that might make you anxious to hear but I feel like I should be 100% honest with you. I know we didn’t even know each other -- maybe you’d seen me, but I had never seen you before -- but I just felt a feeling in my heart I’d never felt before. You don’t know how long I’d been waiting to find you, and my excitement has gotten the best of me in most cases.

I know what Joshua told you made you upset, but I want you to understand...I just wanted to find the one. I desperately wanted that connection; that endless and unconditional love. I’ve been alive for over 70 years and it gets lonely not having that one person to be by your side. I just wanted to pretend sometimes. I wanted to pretend someone cared and loved me that much. But I think it just made me feel more lonely in the end. So I kept trying. It became a vicious cycle. I know my pack looked down on me for it, and honestly, I felt dirty for it, too.

But then I saw you, and I’ve been way too eager with you. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted; you’re everything I’ve been searching for. I love how you’re so quiet and shy, but you’re still brave and tough. When you’re with Kyung, I see your personality come though, and I adore how your nose scrunches when you laugh and how you poke fun at her. I know maybe you think you seem scared and weak because of your anxieties, but I can see how fearless you are. I’ve seen it when you talk to Kyung. I’ve seen it in how you’re trying to adjust to a foreign place after moving countries. I’ve heard the stories from your pack. I hope someday you’ll be comfortable enough with me to show that side to me on your own.

I promise, _____, I will do my absolute best to pull back as much as you need me to. I know you’re scared and I can’t blame you. The language barrier alone makes things a little scary, but you hardly know me. Saying that, it makes it seem silly that I could say I love you, but we’re werewolves. Imprinting makes us say and do silly stuff, right? But I’ve got to say, you and Kyung are nothing like any werewolves I’ve ever met. You don’t want to just go with things because your instincts tell you to, and I find that...what’s a good word for it? I look up to you for that. I can’t find the right words, but I like that you don’t let your instincts tell you what to do or how to feel. I admire that about you.

I think I’ve been rambling, so I’ll wrap up this letter. _____, I will do my best to be less excitable and clingy. I will do whatever it takes to make you comfortable. I hope we can work through this language barrier and get to know each other better. I won’t give up.

-Soonyoung

You kept the letter in your hands, continuing to stare at it after reading. You weren’t really sure how you felt. You were still nervous, but it was also a little more...reassuring, almost? That wasn’t quiet the right word, but it felt better understanding Soonyoung’s perspective a little bit better. But also reading everything he liked about you and how he fell in love with you so quickly made you feel...shy. Your face felt warm and you felt like covering your face with your hands. You knew you felt strongly toward him, too, but you wouldn’t so readily admit you’re in love.

A thought suddenly popped into your head, almost intrusive, ‘He likes that about you, though.’

You wanted to groan and throw your face in your hands. Why did he have to be so sickeningly cute. You almost wanted to gag.

The door opened without a knock, but you knew who was coming in, anyway. The door swung open with a smirking Rika hanging onto the handle, giving you a knowing look as you continued to stare at the letter with a heated face.

“Sooooo...?” she asked.

You let out a sigh and dropped the letter in your lap, seeming almost defeated. But you looked at Rika and asked, “I have to write one back, right?”

She giggled, “You want some help?”

“Well...” you held your hands out, as if to ask, ‘who else is going to help me?’.”

“So I get to read the letter?” she asked excitedly as she closed the door.

You grimaced, “But don’t say anything about it.”

Rika skipped over to your bed and excitedly snatched the letter from your fingers as you shyly offered it to her, “Y’know, I can’t wait to see how you come out of your shell when this progresses.”

“No, calling her _____ is the equivalent of her calling you Kwon,” Hansol explained.

“Oh,” Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrowed. “I thought it was like a ‘second name’. Remember, Mason had one?”

“It’s her surname,” Kyung clarified. “I told you it was her surname.”

“I thought maybe it meant something different for her! I don’t know how her home country works.”

“When we get married, we sometimes take our spouse’s surname,” Kyung explained. “Typically, the woman takes the man’s surname. I think you should take hers since you like it so much.”

Soonyoung’s eyes widened, “Can I?!”

“Maybe don’t get him thinking about marriage already,” Hansol suggested.

Soonyoung was obviously eager to start English lessons, and despite his nerves about you reading his letter last night, he wasn’t going to let it get in the way of his progress. So the next morning, he was still having Kyung and Hansol help him while they sat at the kitchen table.

But suddenly, Soonyoung lifted his head, his pupils dilated. Then his head shot in a random direction.

“_____?” Hansol guessed.

Soonyoung nodded, “She’s nearby.”

Kyung shrugged with a small smile, “Maybe she wanted to see you after reading the letter.”

His eyes widened and he suddenly whined before laying his head down on the table, “What if she hated it?”

“What’re you whining about?” Jeonghan asked as he entered the kitchen.

“______’s coming,” Kyung explained.

“Ah, you think she hated the letter,” the older wolf nodded. “Well... Yeah, I’d probably hate it.”

Soonyoung’s head shot up and he looked at the older boy desperately, “Jeonghan!”

Jeonghan laughed and shrugged, “What? You’re not that good with words, Soonyoungie.”

“We helped,” Hansol pointed out.

“Oh yeah, the one who’s afraid to use romantic nicknames, and the one who hates expressing her feelings,” Jeonghan noted with a nod. “That’s sure to help.”

Kyung narrowed her eyes, “Have I told you I can’t stand you sometimes?”

Jeonghan smirked as he grabbed an apple from the counter, “Get in line.”

Finally, there was a knock at the door. Soonyoung’s eyes widened as his heartrate spiked, and Jeonghan laughed at him.

“I’ll get it,” he decided, taking a bite out of his apple and walking out of the room to the front door.

Jeonghan walked down the hall and opened the door. But instead of being greeted by Hanbin like he expected, his eyes trailed down from Hanbin’s face to see the short blonde girl smiling up at him.

“Hello, Jeonghan!” she chirped. “It’s been a while.”

“Oh, Rika,” he smiled politely. “I didn’t expect to see you.”

“She insisted on coming,” Hanbin spoke up with a chuckle.

“Somebody has to help her,” Rika stated, clearly talking about you, but you had no idea. “Anyway, do you mind if we come in?”

“Of course not!” he told her as he stepped to the side and gestured for your small group to come in. “You’re all always welcome.”

Rika went in first, and then Hanbin gestured for you, Jimin, and Baekhan to enter next. You followed Rika inside, muttering a quiet, “H-hello,” to Jeonghan on your way.

Rika remembered her way through the house and went to the kitchen where she found Kyung, Hansol, and Soonyoung sitting at the large table. You kept your eyes on the floor, following her feet. But once you sensed Soonyoung’s presence, you couldn’t help but lift your head.

He immediately brightened when he saw you, showing off a toothy grin when your eyes landed on him. He waved at you, so you gave a small wave back with your free hand.

“Good morning!” Rika grinned.

“Hey, sunshine,” Kyung chuckled. “I forgot how much of a morning person you are.”

“Well, we’re here for a reason,” Rika said. Then she looked at you and gestured for you to go up to Soonyoung.

Soonyoung stood when you stepped toward him. You kept your eyes on the ground, but his were on you the whole time. You held the letter with both hands before stiffly shoving it toward him.

“Uh...” you hesitated for a moment as you tried to gather your thoughts that were jumbled with anxiety before you slowly said, “This is...for...you... Yeah.”

On the envelope, you wrote Soonyoung’s name in some poorly-written Korean -- but you tried your best.

“Thank you,” he said, and you could hear the smile in his voice as he took the envelope.

You immediately stepped back, and when Rika stayed silent, you nudged her with your elbow.

“Oh!” she spoke up. “Right, um, she wants you to know her Korean penmanship isn’t the best, but she tried.”

Soonyoung’s jaw dropped, but you didn’t see it. Your eyes were still on the floor.

“You wrote this yourself?” he asked, and Rika repeated it to you.

You looked up in time to see his shocked expression turn into impressed, and then a warm smile take over. He just told Kyung what he wanted to say and then she translated and wrote it for him. But you actually tried to write it yourself? To him, you had put in more effort than he had, and that warmed his heart.

You nodded sheepishly, feeling your face heat up. Like Soonyoung, you’d told Rika what you wanted to say and she wrote it down, but then you copied what she wrote. You definitely had issues distinguishing what things were actually supposed to look like so it kind of looked like a child wrote it -- actually, probably worse since Korean children still knew what they were doing -- but you tried.

Soonyoung didn’t even sit to open the letter. He opened it then and there and began silently reading, a smile permanently on his face the whole time.

Soonyoung,

Firstly, I’d like to apologize for how cold I’ve come across. I’ve always been a shy person, and my ability doesn’t help with that. Admittedly, I’ve seen you before you’ve seen me for that reason. I hid from you for a long time, but because I’d already seen you, I couldn’t stay away. I’m actually embarrassed to admit that, but you seem like you’d like to know that. I had no idea how to talk to you and I didn’t know what to do with the situation. It intimidated me, so I stayed hidden. But now that we know each other, I need to be brave and confront it.

Second, but most importantly, I want you to know that despite how eager you are, I don’t want you to change for me. We’re supposed to be made for each other, right? So you are perfect as you are. Honestly, I think it’s kind of cute how excited you get. But as long as you understand where I stand and where I’m coming from with my attitude, I think we can make it work. I think there should still be some boundaries, and I appreciate that you want to set those to make me more comfortable. My goal is to get to a point where I’m not anxious around you or nervous about being close. But, as you know, I’m not the type to let things happen just because my instincts tell me to. Still, I want to get to that point where I feel at ease.

And last, I promise to put in as much effort as you. Despite how I may come off, I do want to make this work. I don’t know if I can admit strong feelings yet, but I know my instincts make me feel certain ways regardless, and I can’t ignore them. I just get nervous around you. I’ve never felt butterflies like this or this warm feeling in my heart like this. It’s new, and new things are scary. But that doesn’t mean they’re always bad.

No matter what, don’t change anything about yourself. We’ll get there together.

-_____

When he was done, Soonyoung looked up at you, his grin looking like it must’ve made his face hurt. Your smile was shy at first, but from how wide his was, you couldn’t help but smile bigger and let out a small laugh.

“I could vomit,” Jeonghan muttered before taking another bite of his apple, and Baekhan, who could hear Soonyoung’s thoughts as he read the letter, nodded in agreement.

“_____,” Kyung spoke up, breaking the silent moment between you and Soonyoung, “you wanna stick around for some tutoring?”

“Ah,” Hansol spoke up, lightly hitting his mate in the arm, “let Soonyoung offer.”

Soonyoung whipped his head around to look at the younger wolf, and Hansol told him what to say. Then he looked at you with the same bright smile.

“Would you like to stay?” he asked.

And how could you say no?

You nodded, so Soonyoung pulled out the seat to the right of the one at the head of the table where he was sitting.

“Guess we should make breakfast,” Jeonghan decided. He gestured for Hanbin, Bakehan, and Jimin to follow as you sat down, and Rika pulled out the seat beside you. “Let’s find Mingyu -- he makes the best pancakes.”

“Alright,” Hansol sighed as he tried to find where they left off, “let’s get started.”

Soonyoung couldn’t help but smile to himself as Hansol picked back up on where he left off with teaching him, and Kyung asked Rika what you knew so far. Because, like your letter said, you really were getting there together.

186 notes · View notes