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tengritexas · 11 days

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Candle Light Meditation: The Peculiar Treatment for Insomnia, Irregular Sleep Patterns, and ADHD

Hi everyone! Today Im writing about a new meditation trick Ive been testing out and Ill be sharing how to do it if youre interested.

Why I chose to do it

While I may like to do old man things, sitting at home and watching candle lights werent really my idea of a good time. However in the past few weeks Ive had really big issues maintaining a healthy sleep pattern and Ive always struggled with ADHD and getting school work done. I was told by a buddy of mine about mindfulness meditation and that has helped my adhd in the past so I figured this was worth a go!

Candle Light Meditation Craze

If you go to google or youtube youll certainly find all kinds of gurus and spiritualists suggesting this meditation will "decalcify your pinal gland" which would be something impacting most of us around the age 18-30 depending on diets and things like that

Here is the issue THERE IS NO RESEARCH TO SUGGEST THIS PRACTICE DECALCIFIES YOUR PENAL GLAND. So to say if that happens or not is not my place. Im a dude who posts bangers on the internet, not a neuro scientist.

What it did do

Despite the research not being there. I can tell you in the few days of doing it I have noticed my focus has sharply improved. My fatigue isnt so bad either. My sleep schedule hasnt improved to much yet but hey! Im a college student Im busy chatting and making friends (doing essays lol).

I believe some of these symptoms are associated with the pinal gland but again, I have no idea. All I can tell you is I do eat frozen foods often and this did help. I dont have a CT scanner in my room so beyond that I have no idea lol.

How to do candle light meditation

Grab a candle, light it and turn off as many lights to get the room as dark as you can. Try to use a candle with a still flame and turn off fans aswell.

Try to focus on the most solid part of the flame for a few seconds up till 3 minutes. You ideally want to do this until you feel a fuzzy feeling in your head.

Turn away from the candle and close your eyes, you should see the imprint of the flame, stare at that for as long as you can until it goes away.

Try to do repeat process 3 times a day (in one setting) for 5 days. Usually by 5 days you should begin to feel a strange tiredness in your mind. This is what your looking for. You are overloading that part of the brain because its not really being used. Much like trying to run for the first time in a few months.

The end result

Around day 5 you should find yourself being able to focus more! Ive also heard some people report it helps them with creative writing aswell but I cant attest to that.

Let me know what you guys think! Hope it helps :>

#pagan #witchcraft #magick #witchy #shaman #witchblr #paganism #witch #tengri #shamanism #adhd #adhd goes hard

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itsaspectrumcomic · 19 days

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hi im really sorry to bother you, and obvs you dont need to answer this at all im just some internet guy lol but do you think i could get some advice?

so ive been diagnosed with autism for like, 5 years (was diagnosed p late, in comparison to others) and im beginning to have some real goddamn big suspicions that i Also have adhd (because. yaknow. the gift that keeps on giving yk? lol). i have a lot of really major issues with executive dysfunction that is directly impacting schoolwork and also a lot of stuff in my life, generally. ive also got a lot of memory issues nd junk

and the thing is; ive got a therapist, but due to a whole slew of things im really scared to like, bring this up with her yk? and, like, im a minor so i cant exactly just seek it out myself yk? and i cant really talk to my parents about it because my mom is a very specific kind of vaguely ableist and my dad generally just isnt involved with that whole section of my being, yk? like, he doesnt manage any of my therapy, aside from bringing me to appointments when my mother isnt available.

and like, ive brought certain things UP to my therapist before and it went mostly ok, aside from one pretty distressing misunderstanding but it feels different for this one because i really do need medication for this, i feel. and thats a whole thing with my mother specifically, since at the start of the whole diagnosis process she outright refused the idea of medication and like. idk man, im so super sorry to write a whole bullshit essay when you're literally just vibing but yk. idk who else to ask lol, and you seem like you know what youre doing i guess?

real sorry. thanks in advance. insert other applicable signoff message here

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your therapist should be someone you can talk to about things like this but I understand being anxious about it. Are you afraid to bring it up because she's said ableist/anti-adhd stuff in the past or you have reason to suspect she won't help? If that's the case I really recommend trying to get a different therapist if you can. You deserve a therapist you feel safe sharing things like this with.

If it's impacting schoolwork it might be worth talking to your teachers to see if there's any additional support you can get from them. You don't have to tell them you suspect ADHD if you don't want to, you can just tell them you've been struggling with certain aspects of school and hopefully they can help. School is hard for lots of people so know you're not alone.

It might be different where you live, but in the UK you're able to make your own doctors appointments if you're over 16 so asking a doctor about getting a referral for a diagnosis/medication could be an option as well. Although waiting lists for that are incredibly long at the moment - I've personally been waiting nearly a year just to get an appointment 🙃

In the meantime, have you heard of How to ADHD on YouTube? Her channel has lots of videos with advice and various discussions about living with ADHD which you might find helpful.

Sorry I don't know if that helped much but I hope you're able to get support soon!

#ask #anon ask #advice #adhd #neurodivergent #also thank you for thinking i know what im doing #im glad i come across that way #but i definitely dont a lot of the time lol #long post

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demonslayedher · 1 year

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HI! Buriko-senpai, lately ive been to interested in japan and its whole history (one of the reasons being your blog because its so fascinating how much of kny is connected to japanese folklore and history) so i wanted to know if you would have some recs for me to learn japanese or its history... though its fine if it cant be answered bc this isnt much of a kny ask, still, thank you for inspiring me to learn about japanese culture and also throw me down the rabbit hole that is kny (❤´艸｀❤)

Sup!! So glad I can inspire aspiring Japanese folklorists/aficionados/scholars! Or weebs, that's fine, let's own that term. And that totally is one of the things I love about KnY, it has so many connections to real life culture and lore!

When it comes to learning a language, the first step is asking yourself your goals. If you want to attain professional fluency you can expect to devote a lot of time and money to serious language acquisition, but if you want to be conversational and make friends, this is easier to do through dedicated self-study. It's also okay to just want to know travel basics, and to forget them all after taking a trip abroad! I've always taken hardcore textbook routes with the languages I wanted to hardcore acquire, and I've never used Duolingo or Rosetta Stone but I've liked Mango for gaining conversational travel phrases (which I made good use of while traveling and then forgot everything after traveling). What I suggest for self-study is finding an audio-course which you may be able to find at your local library, like Pimsleur, so you can play it on repeat and mimic and respond to what you hear. If you want an app for the writing system, I liked KanjiBox back in the day, and prior to that I used Tuttle Language Library kana/kanji workbooks. And for my other personal tips on language, see here! My tips do include active listening while watching anime. As for Japanese history, bill wurtz already has you covered in nine minutes, but gaining a general image of the different times periods and their order helps to build a framework for appreciating anime set in different time periods, as well as to tie famous places and people to their context. To take it further and fill in gaps in understanding, timelines of events can help, as long as they are focused on what will aid your understanding as opposed to, say, cramming for a Nerd Test. Wikipedia rabbit holes of bios of historical figures are also lots and lots and lots of fun.

As for deeper explorations of cultural topics and the history behind them, I've got my old blog about San-in region stories and adventures but it looks horrific with the Photobucket watermark all over everything. That said, you should still be able to download the silly and educational Kojiki mythology comics to avoid those watermarks, though. (Do note that my focus was only myths which took place in the San-in region, so like, a third of them, but not the whole Kojiki/Nihonshoki/Fudoki.)* *On this note, if I could ask Gotouge one question, it would be, "Did you happen to see my drawing of Kagutsuchi and did that influence the spirits inside Tanjiro's inner space????"

As for places I recently enjoy gaining insights, two of my go-to YouTube channels for this lately are Linfamy (watch out for dirty jokes everywhere, though I find his wording hilarious) and Let's Ask Shogo (I like how his explanations are straightforward and clear for general audiences, but still rich with detail).

Something that's been fun with the KnY phenomena is that it brings out all the nerds, and I learn so much from people putting out unofficial KnY books to introduce more of their knowledge specialties just because they can frame it with a KnY focus, or theorists who see connections in canon with existing lore that don't stand out to me. Part of the reason writing this blog is fun is because I get to bridge the language gap and tell people in the English speaking fandom cool things that people are saying in the Japanese fandom!

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himbos-hotline · 2 years

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I’ve been thinking about watching Markiplier (most cuz you keep posting about it) but like I don’t really get what it is? Like it’s a YouTube guy right, but the different things he has, are they like one-shot kinda things or like long form tv? What’s his deal? (Idk just tell me about Markiplier)

Okay so his "deal" is that none of his fans know what it is. Mostly he is a gaming youtuber but sometimes we get videos where he is bullying corperations and tormenting del monte until theyre dead to him or him "eating" takis which was....

he also owns many tatical shovels and so many flashlights and one of them harbours the power of the sun. So yknow- the man is a god and could kill any one of us if he had the brains to do it.

He is full of ADD and its great to watch because I dunno its relatable. also theres not that many content creators that I know off that talk about having adhd/add other disabilities which makes me feel less, awkward and subconcious about having it.

trust me friend, none of us "get" what markiplier is. My big sibling and I have this running joke where he is just a forth dimentional being.

also, apart from gaming and random "I BROUGHT A THING!" videos and some other videos like Pain where he talks about the different accidents/illnesses he had and how pain isnt something to be ashamed off because we all go through pain and its okay to feel hurt and emotional and stuff because thats what makes us human- us feeling pain and being able to still exist and be a good person. He is a very big supporter of like queer community and other communities which is another reason why I like him.

There is a story about what Mark really means to us but thats long and sappy and emotional and kinda depressing so we wont get into that right now. But yeah hes just a really cool dude who to me, growing up in a very catholic household showed me than masculinty doesnt equate to being strong or handsome [and he is both, very much so, men my beloved] but its also about having a good heart and making people laugh and not having the fear or guilt of disappointment around our emotions. that crying is okay because the tears will grow the flowers of new emotions. That people matter regardless of who/what they are. Like there are videos where he wears dresses and is just "it spins!" and being like 15/16 growing up and being surrounded by a lot of catholics seeing an AMAB be in "womens clothing" was really special too me and caused me to look into it. There is also a video where he asks someones pronouns and not only sticks to the "he/him, she/her but also xe/xem" which is also very cool!

Watching Mark is a bit like having a dad, a big brother and a seven year old wrapped into one body and sometimes hes all of them but also sometimes he is none of them and were just "..cool!"

also, from a video perspective. there are also the "aventures with markiplier" or the markipler cinimatic universe or simply the micu. It starts with who killed markiplier, a who done it which dives into the story of a cheating wife, a depressed husband, the lover being a former best friend with supernatrual bullshit and ends well....as far as we know its not ended yet.

I can go more into his channel or the MICU or the man himself because ive been watching since I was 12 and have a lot of feelings and thoughts about the stupid little youtube man who does the sceme at pixels on his compooter

he also has a super cute doggo Chica and another good boy called Henry whose technically his girlfriends dog, but chica and henry come as a pair and they are really the reason why people watch [/hj]

#mouse has pals #lonely thursday #markiplier

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uwumessenger · 3 years

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random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

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foryouthegays · 3 years

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techno liveblog w timestamps lets go for ‘a new home (dream SMP)’ stream

good laugh times: 00:13:50, 00:14:55, 1:38:45, ik it doesnt look like a lot but like u should watch the stream anyway bc philzas there and his laugh is amazing and they just go so well together

times techno calls phil his friend: 00:6:00 00:37:00, 00:45:17, 0:1:09:30, 01:11:15, 01:26:35, 01:50:05, 2:35:00

FSDJKFAF;LS HE KEPT THE MUTED INTRO IN JHKADFLS (ends at 00:1:25)

i like how, when faced with Leaving Youtube, techno would choose to be an author. i want a book by techno. reblog this if u want a book by techno (with an audiobook by him as well) /hj. 00:1:33

i love how he says ehhhhhh so much lskjhdfas (abt 2 mins in)

who the FUCK just remembers that the word fortuitous exists wtf 00:5:17

00:7:45 PHILZA TIME PHILZA TIME LETS GO

00:8:55 tommy time :/

0:14:10 rANBOO JUST WALKS IN, LOOKS AROUN ,AND LEA VE SIM CRYING

i love how much philza laughs at technos jokes bc pretty much everything he says IS a joke he just says it in such a serious voice that p much everyone else is like,,,yeah,,,,yup,,,,and phil just knows when hes joking and his laugh is so good with technos voice. sbi? whos that? i only know philza and technoblade

00:19:30 ghostbur joins! this is my first time hearin ghostbur btw

00:19:40 haha string axe technos so bad at crafting what a fool /j

00:21:07 ghostbur: “Even I remember how to make a fishing rod!” ghostbur u just MURDERED technoblade oh my god im gonna scream hgjdfksla i love ghostbur so much

00:23:55: GHOSTBUR NO!! DON’T DIE YOU’LL BECOME A DOUBLE GHOST!!!! -technoblade 2020

00:24:55 technoblade neva lies -guys he almost did the technoblade neva dies ahh!!!!!

i havent heard anyone talk about this but techno has a dedicated roleplay voice. like listen to him talk to tommy at 00:25:08. his voice gets more even, he uses names a lot more often (seriously, listen to his theseus speech. he says tommy so often, its incredible.), and his voice gets,,,,deeper? not deeper but smoother, in a way, and he repeats what he says for emphasis instead of humor. and his voice is louder, and he seems more assertive.

00:27:30 philza: where we goin, by the way? techno: to our- to my new home.

techno cmon let phil live w u wed get so much more content cmonn

00:28:50 the fact that he calls the manhunt theme “dream music” makes me laugh so hard. and then his version of it,,,,,m love he (also he sings it here and at 01:14:20)

00:35:10 why is ranboo so cryptic im-

why does he just casually know the word sentry wh at i hate him 00:39:45

this is the worst sentence (structurally) ive ever heard techno say im gonna cry 00:49:33 ‘im too busy thinkin of new ideas to sleep so i could actually execute them’ and tubbos *oh?* after is just hdsfgkjlka

LKSJDHFJK 00:51:49

00:54:30

techno: thats one of dreams powers, he can just stop the rain

tubbo, quietly: like jesus!

i love them sm dsfhkjla they kept going but i jus gdfhjksa jesus has op

techno @ being the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans: haha funnie!!

techno @ having fun w religious stuff: i wILL BE CANCELLED NO-

00:58:10 “hey if ur [ghostbur] a ghost, do instant damage potions heal you now?” “...no,, they hurt me still :(” DSIULZKJHFSLKFJH

01:04:00 his brother named the cow bob im- aww

also he has a fanart wall again!!!

01:09:30 “phil, you’re the only friend i have left in this world.” aWWWWW HE GAVE HIM THE COMPASS

“dont smoke, it’s a joke” -technoblade 01:14:15

ROLEPLAY SPEECH VOICE IS BACK AT 1:16:10 “they pillage my base for everything i’m worth, they use me for the revolution, but oooOOOoo i took a pickaxe with his consent? oOOOooOo i’m a thief!”

holy shit 01:17:15 “you know what, phil? for you, the world, alright? it’s fine.” oH MY GOD HHHHGHG (context, right before they were arguing bc phil took some blocks from his base and techno thought that when he said phil could take anything he meant from the chests)

the COMIDY of that villager coming in and sleeping while techno was readin donos at 01:22:05 RIGHT AFTER phil freaked out abt inturruptin his dono readin im SFDHKJLA:

techno talkin bout the winstreak and how he wont be able to live up to that sort of playin at 01:22:30ish is super important and ill transcribe it tomorrow, but if u can id highly rec watchin it.

01:24:20 “[readin dono] what’s your favorite movie? uh, the princess bride is pretty good” techno ily that movie rocks also he said it so fast like hes ashamed of it noo

techno says no to canon ranboo son btw! 01:25:30

01:25:55 “i wasnt in that story, therefore it doesnt matter” all of technoblr be like

01:37:49 is great lemmie transcribe

“how have you still not gotten a second monitor?? holy shit.”

“let me tell you something. and im only telling you this because i know that so many people in the chat are gonna be furious. so i recently realized- i think the second monitor can just be any ol’ monitor, right? you literally just plug it in, and its set up? well i mean you have to turn on some settings, but like, thats it, or something?”

“yeah,,,,, uh techno you fuckin destroyed my chat, by the way, oh my god, [earlier techno told his viewers to twitch prime philza] there has been like 40 primes just flying through”

“yeahhh twitch prime!!! twitch prime philza yeahh!!! so anyways the other day, i like, i looked to my left, and realized that my old monitor has been like, five feet away from where i sit and stream for the last three years?”

“oh my god...”

“so i- i literally do not have to leave my room to set up a second monitor and i havent. and i’m still usin my laptop for this stream.

“is this gonna be one of those situations where you like, you have a thing, you just refuse to do the thing?”

“listen, my desk is-

“yOU STILL HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE!!!”

“AHHHH I HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE! I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY MCC COIN! DUDE I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY ONE MILLION SUBSCRIBER PLAQUE! ITS STILL THERE RIGHT BEHIND ME! ITs sTILL IN THE BOX! i never made a video on it....”

“bruhhhhh [philza laughs] thats FREE VIEWS what are you doing??”

“ill open it at 8 mil :/.”

“you could LITERALLY make a video of you just like, throwing it off a wall, and then thumbing up, like doing a thumbs up, and then that would be it. 10 seconds. ten seconds. thumb and elbow in shot. [laughs]”

techno is such a disaster i love him

01:34:18 the way techno says “tommy, that statement has NEVER been true” i dont like sayin i simp for block men but GOD sometimes his voice is nicer than usual hhhgn

“man i sure wish tommyinnit was in this stream” -nobody ever (just after previous timestamp)

01:40:15 is fuckin hilarious and im actually crying oh my god techno just says things and says them well with a completely straight face how does he do it

i cannot WAIT until theres a president w the last/first name andy so we can say president andy and think abt technoblade

IM CRIASDNGUSFHD 01:44:38 PHILZA LOOK OUT LOOK OUT PHILZA LSKJDAFJASD;LKF

i love when techno talks abt his vids. like u can tell he puts a lot of thought into the vids (esp these ones) and like at 01:47:00 he talks abt the “I DIDNT PUT DEAPTH STRIDER ON THOSE BOOTS, FUNDY!” and how its just that creepin realization that you were doomed from the start and how he made the armor, he isnt intimidated by the netherite bc he didnt enchant it all the way and only he knows that,,, and i just,,,hgg he

he reveals that hes writin the next arc at 01:48:00: “oh, speakin of arcs, chat, i’m writing the next arc. so, you know. hope nothin bad happens in two weeks, chat!” IM SO EXCITED like he clearly has his character fleshed out and is SO good at writing and retellin history im so so excited to see where he takes it AHHHH and also taht means he might stream more bc he might make his character more important (keep in mind this is the guy who wrote self insert hypixel fanfics. he has no shame in puttin himself first and i respect him so much for it)

01:51:20 “they’re tryin to get a second customer but they’re riskin their first” is lowkey a good line

has anyone else noticed that techno says wise a lot? like at 01:55:10 he literally says “wise dragon armor” as a joke but like i think he says wise so much BECAUSE of skyblock like hjkfdsla

01:57:30 techno plea se eat

ok 1:58:45 is hilarious and all but at the end of his ramble he says “come back, i miss you” and lowkey im crying

techno needs to stop knowing his audience more than we know ourselves im hsfkjda 02:05:25 “the chat’s spammin ‘eat technoblade, eat!’ like they’re not gonna start, like, theyre not gonna get super sad if i ended the stream right now, like theyre not gonna all cry ‘i miss technoblade *sniffs* why- whyd he leave to eat food, why did he listen to our advice noooo’”

02:14:50 NEW VIDEO POGGGG CARL THE HORSE POGGGGGG NOT A STREAM HIGHLIGHT POGGGGG

02:17:40 “i could start a potato farm out here to show how much ive changed” techno last time u made a potato farm u started an entire war that lasted a year that does NOT say calm and retired to me lskgdfjagsldj

02:23:00 why does techno just reference greek mythology so much. makin me scared for his arc.

also he talks abt smp earth a lot in this stream i love it so much

i also just. love?? how much sbi respect tommy like they bully him but when talkin bout him they just have so much respect for how much work he puts into youtube and i just,,,,hgnn they r friends

02:33:13 sbi streamer house lets go cmon

02:34:15 “i think if i streamed every day i could keep up” on one hand YE S but on the ohter oh god techno no we have to keep up tho

hearing techno say “violence isnt the answer” is so scary 02:35:40

02:37:30 technosneeze

hiS BROTHER SENT HIM 46 DISCORD MESSAGES SFKDJLFLKASF 2:49:25 i love his end screen so much hes just sadness,,,,retirement,,,t,echnoblade,,,the government is going to fall on its own due to lack of organization and ideals,,,,,,subscribe,,,,,sadness,,,,,also 2:50:45 is making me laugh so hard its just sad music and technos like??? whys phil in my house drinking milk?????

overall, fantastic stream, if ya want some chill techno philza content i highly recommend.

#stream post

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tinysatansierra-blog · 3 years

Text

Markiplier manor is toxic here’s why

So Markiplier manor (Markipliers official discord server) has gotten a surplus of new people in it, this happened a few weeks ago the manor itself though has been up for awhile. originally a members only server it was eventually opened up for everyone and yes there are alot of genuinely good people and the mods are alright but unfortunately its becoming a toxic environment.

SO EDIT i have discussed with the mods that being said ... im keeping this up as a reminder of we can do better we can help people who are struggling through something instead of shutting them down we can listen to people who are being oppressed and bravely point out new media that only worsens that oppression and stigmatization and not just the mods who i was kind of harsh towards but who are human everyone as a community can do better and this is a large community think of the work we can do just doing the basics like boycotting problematic content and helping those who cry out for it who need it (and noticing and shutting down manipulative/toxic behaviors) ... i dont know if im going to go back to the manor yet tho im going to let this sit give it a week yall can agree or disagree but know that if you try to be an ass your going to get shut down and your feelings are going to get hurt

lets start with the basics “triggering topics” triggering topics can be anything in particular but it generally means a topic that relates to another persons trauma. Now while it is important to acknowledge a persons trigger words and try to keep the conversation respectable ive also noticed people use it to shut down people who come on freaking out because their dealing with a stressful situation/something traumatic just happened. This has happened to me personally and to a friend with me it was about being pro choice and having to in short make that actual choice. i was discussing this in the bathroom because i (like anyone else who comes in with baggage) did not know about any pro choice discords at that moment and was afraid of being stigmatized or going onto a discord that says its a safe space only for it to be filled with trolls. Mark manor is labeled as a safe space and many people come on there looking for support with me no one told me that the topic was triggering to them (which apparently it was because a friend of theirs had to make the choice not her herself think what you will) they just went to a mod early on when i just found the server as a member a friend (who i wont name) had gotten.... assaulted majority of her werent online and as someone who has been there and yes when she told me it did trigger my own trauma she needed moral support... the mod shut her down and deleted her comments and didnt give her a pointer to any other discord where she could discuss the topic openly and get moral support and be pointed to resources (it actually took me ten minutes to find and confirm a lgbtq therapy chat earlier this year for another individual discussing mental health) this was before i had gotten on for that day but i noticed those messages and i contacted her when she told me what was up yea it triggered my memories and its not fun but I FUCKING HELPED HER i made sure she went to the police to atleast file a statement (while the police dont always help it is good to have it on file) i even made her a plush and shipped it out to her and i would do it again and again because its not good to basically tell another person to shut up because it triggers others not without atleast trying to help them find another fucking place and making sure their actually ok and in a physical safe place next is them claiming the manor is a “safe space” a safe space is by definition “ a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.” you would also think that the manor would be a safe space in the fact that marginalized and oppressed groups of people would be able to point out problematic content and have an open and free discussion about it and how it makes them uncomfortable. especially people of lgbtq community which alot of people in that chat are. yesterday (and this was what caused me to officially turn away from the server) in the patio (which is the members only chat) a Transgender individual pointed out the problematic content that is huniepop and how it fetishizes trans people as well as other minorities now this game i hear tries to make itself out as a “parody” .... its not its a sexual dating sim what would make it a parody is if sex noises were replaced with donkey sounds and the lewd pictures were replaced with poorly drawn doodles of tits or what have you its a game for incels marks hilarious when he plays it because he doesnt take the game seriously my issue isnt with him its with the developer. and if you did not know (which apparently people dont) the character poli is described as “a girl with a dick” the individual pointed this out because they felt like it dehumanizes them and paints them as nothing more than a fetish... and also apparently you can “choose” is poli is trans which kind of gives off the message that people can ignore trans peoples identity if it makes them uncomfortable... or if they dont sexualize them. and the muslim community is more or less in the same boat i come from the bible belt in usa im not muslim i am not trans but i do have a reason for standing with both and i will get to that in a bit so i was raised in a christian household in a christian setting like muslim women were basically told we cannot have sex and any sexual thought is sinful and we will be punished blah blah blah your even more closeted if your gay or bi because then you can face ... violence that being said to make the woman from the middle east hyper sexual like they did is kind of shitty even for a incel pleasing sex game. the individual who thought it would be ok to discuss this in the server because its labeled as a safe space and is generally “lgbtq” friendly thus believing he would have people agree and discuss ... was unceremoniously shut down by their peers and a mod was notified this person was not hostile maybe a bit frustrated because he wanted to talk about it and thought he would have this genuinely helpful conversation and people would listen and spread the word because to have problematic content be popular can isolate the oppressed group even more so WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO THEM. if a group of marginalized people notice something problematic with content and you claim to be an ally of said group then you need to acknowledge and support what they say. they told him to go to twitter where he could potentially be bullied and written off ... because again its an INCEL PLEASING SEX GAME.(which means incels if you ever dealt with them will go and say anything to justify the game even using slurs and bullying) and to put the icing on the cake to change the topic they brought up robin ... i actually dont know who robin is as i dont really focus much on youtube creators personal stuff (it feels off for me to not personally know an individual but know their personal stuff without having actually talking to them its weird i know its a thing i have in my head) but apparently they recently came out as female and good for them im super proud of him and the patio members were discussing how they were proud of him as well for beginning to wear makeup and making themselves more feminine which would be great if they werent trying so hard to shut down the trans male who was trying to spread awareness on problematic stuff .... something he pointed out ... and something they gaslighted and said he was being hostile. really its almost as if they only care about trans issues when its someone famous discussing them so what can we possibly do about huniepop being transphobic and the answer is very easy BOYCOTT IT like... yall were up in arms and boycotted jk rowling with snap and a turn do we only cancel the old and ugly? do we only cancel those who we dont think is funny? mark is not at fault he probably doesnt realize it and any comments made on the issue are talked down upon or drowned amongst other comments im not saying to cancel him im saying to cancel the game HARD. ignore the posts bitch at the dev demand refunds for your game. like consumers have infinitely more power than corps want to admit. so you basically have a community that claims to be a safe space but only if you want to talk about sunshine and rainbows and its highly hypocritical of them to claim safety. another thing is emotionally abusive/manipulative people hide in the server and the mods dont ever seem to acknowledge it. i cannot tell you how many times ive gotten into arguments with people who seems nice then turn into assholes then claim to be the victim when i or others go off on them. if you recognize my name you know i dont stand down when it comes to having a snarky or rude comment thrown at me if your going to be an ass were fighting i dont care how nice you seemed beforehand and you dont get to call a mod just because i actually stood up for myself or others sorry not sorry dont be a bitch nuff said. now why would i care so much about problematic content? why would i care and stand by the transgender and muslim people (aside from being ya know... an actual ally and not someone who claims it for sympathy and brownie points?) its because i am autistic i am also able to function well on my own but there is a movie created by the famous singer sia it is called music it is a movie frowned upon by the autisitic community because infantizes and dehumanizes non verbal autistic people i am fortunate and unfortunate in not having to deal with much stigma unfortunate because i wasnt diagnosed until i was 17 alot of answers about my behavior could have been answered if i had been diagnosed earlier but considering society loves the quiet timid female and i functioned “well” for neurotypicals i was ignored. so yea you bet your ass im standing with them and raising awareness about huniepop and their was this one person when i mentioned this point i cant remember there name nor to do i give a shit about them because when i mentioned how autistic people ... how i was in the same boat with music by sia (again i advise that no one target the actress who was under contract target sia and please boycott her so she knows she cant get brownie points or money for a movie that stigmatizes who she claims she wants to “help” (*cough* profit off of *cough cough*) and only serves as a feel good movie for neurotypicals and ignorant people) they said “i heard people who hated the movie i heard people who found it alright people are ALLOWED to like problematic content” ... and like ... does anyone else see the problem here? its not hard at all to boycott celebrities for making content and im going to repeat this point IF A GROUP OF MARGINALIZED, STIGMITIZED AND OPPRESSED PEOPLE CALL OUT SOMETHING FOR BEING PROBLEMATIC AND YOU CLAIM TO BE AN ALLY YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM AND DONT SHUT THEM DOWN I DONT GIVE A SHIT YOU DONT HAVE A FUCKING EXCUSE. if you cant bring yourself to boycott a piece of media and replace it with the infinitely more suitable forms that supports the group you claim to be for your not an ally your a fucking hypocrite and that is why i left markiplier manor i am still a youtube special ... thingy member and i will continue to be a member to support mark i want people to overall listen to those who speak up against a creator and a piece of media and listen to us all no matter how “good” something seems. .. also there is a video called listen it was created by nonverbal autistic people and communicationFIRST a group that sia apparently communicated with for her movie... and then ignored https://youtu.be/H7dca7U7GI8

#markiplier #transphobia #trans pride #lgbtq #muslim #huniepop #markiplier manor #pro choice #toxic groups #toxic fanbase #sia #music the movie #problematic content #huniepop2 #albeism #hypocrisy #hypocrites #discord

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if-the-crown-fits-translate-it · 3 years

Text

Discord pt 92

[Date: 17/03, 07:42 PM GMT - 17/03, 09:29 PM GMT]

jayyyyyyyy: “fetch, come on, cant you see this isnt doing anything to help?

just take the damn ointment”

Little-K1ng: “he... what?”

Marcus: “I back read a little bit”

Marcus: “Just not here”

fetch: “fine. you want me to be honest huh. go on look at the fucking doc. just another place where my problems turned into everyone else's.”

Little-K1ng: fetch.... you really, really need to stop lying to me. im doing my best here, im trying so hard to let things slide in the name of giving you what you need. but you are far from making it easy on me”

fetch: “we're gonna forget all this happened in 3 days time anyway. it doesn't fucking matter what i tell you or what i dont.”

Little-K1ng: “you get angry when you're stressed, you stop responding, you stop listening to reason

but-.. wait, whats going to happen in 3 days?”

Maxwell: “....prince told us that faer family is coming back in 3 days”

fetch: “the beginning of spring.”

Maxwell: “spring officially begins then”

jayyyyyyyy: “we'll get you guys back, if you somehow go back in the first place”

Little-K1ng: “so.... so i get warning, this time,

thats.... almost too cruel”

fetch: “whatever. i honestly can't be asked to care at this point.”

Marcus: “You’d really say that to Mona of all people?”

Little-K1ng: “i..... i wouldnt ask that of you”

Marcus: “...three days huh”

Little-K1ng: “i would simply fucking EXPECT IT FROM YOU. HOW THE FUCK. AM I MEANT TO FEEL. WHEN I CANT STOP GRIEVING SOMEONE. WHOS RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF ME, FETCH?”

donti (e): “... mona u alright...?”

Marcus: “Is that really a question you’re asking right now?”

donti (e): “ah.. sorry.”

jayyyyyyyy: “honestly at this point im willing to chuck a bucket of weedkiller at fetch's head”

Marcus: “Jeight.”

donti (e): “hey hey lets not get hastyy”

Little-K1ng: “i... [huff] i .... [sniff] i just.. i shouldnt have yelled i....”

Marcus: “This isn’t helping”

fetch: “i... you're expecting too much from me. i mean. you expect me to care at this point? when death is coming to our door and all we can do is throw on a little sprinkler? when all we can do is sit in a huddle and wait until these vines in our skulls fully bloom?”

donti (e): “... we discussed possible solutions to the buds if you.. want to change subject.. or not”

jayyyyyyyy: “fetch, the thing about this is that we have a fighting chance

we lose that chance if you stop fighting”

Little-K1ng: “im expecting you to fucking try, fetch. im expecting you to understand that we're all going through this, and every time you lie to me, to us, you cost us more time we could have spent trying to fix it”

fetch: “how would it help, by piling on more and more to the shitheap we have already? you're not supposed to worry about me. ive always been able to handle myself.”

Maxwell: “please ⌇⏁⍜⌿arguing....why are we arguing.....”

Marcus: “..”

Void: “...”

Little-K1ng: “wh... what did you just...?”

Maxwell: “....what....”

fetch: “...”

Maxwell: “why are...”

Marcus: “Max..”

Maxwell: “why are you staring at me what”

Marcus: “Can you say what you just said again”

Little-K1ng: “that sounded like...”

donti (e): “max...”

Little-K1ng: “say that again, max”

Marcus: “Please”

jayyyyyyyy: “actually maybe dont”

Marcus: “Max say it again”

jayyyyyyyy: “that. i think fighting is causing the process to speed up”

Maxwell: “please stop arguing....why are we arguing.....?”

Little-K1ng: “i... thats not what i heard”

donti (e): “... lets stop arguing”

Marcus: “That’s..that’s what I thought you said

You just

Didn’t say it like that”

Maxwell: “but i did”

fetch: “...yall still think I need to be priority right now?”

Maxwell: “thats what i said”

jayyyyyyyy: “you, uh, said "stop" in enderspeak”

Maxwell: “what no i didnt”

Marcus: “Fetch. This is going to be you so kindly shut the fuck up about not being a priority”

Little-K1ng: “fetch, you fail to recognize that you're always my priority, even if you're kind of an ass”

Marcus: “Max it’s okay

I told you it would be okay”

Little-K1ng: “max, hug?”

Maxwell: “why....why are you all acting so weird?”

Little-K1ng: “its alright, max”

jayyyyyyyy: “we're all just stressed mate”

Maxwell: “are yall okay?”

donti (e): “weere fine its fine..”

Maxwell: “its?

look im not a child you can tell me whats going on”

Marcus: “We told you”

fetch: “you spoke in ender.”

Marcus: “You denied it”

donti (e): “you spoke ender.”

Maxwell: “you....youre kidding right?”

jayyyyyyyy: “nope”

Maxwell: “ha funny joke”

jayyyyyyyy: “we're not joking”

fetch: “for once im not lying.”

Marcus: “You told us to tell you.

We told you.”

Little-K1ng: “here, come in for a hug, wont you?”

Maxwell: “no no no no no”

Little-K1ng: “ive got you, max”

Maxwell: “i couldnt have no”

jayyyyyyyy: “hold on, hes panicking”

Little-K1ng: “its the stress, max

its alright, im here”

jayyyyyyyy: “mona, give him a little space”

Maxwell: “no no no stay please”

jayyyyyyyy: “i never said for anyone to leave

are you okay with being given hugs, or would you rather not?”

Maxwell: “im okay with it”

LLyr: “they’ve kind of established max likes the contact at this point i think”

jayyyyyyyy: “yeah, but you can never be too careful”

LLyr: “fair enough”

Little-K1ng: “i appreciate the concern for max, jayx8″

fetch: “I. i would offer a hug but I'm not feeling up to it. i think I'm just gonna go for a walk.”

jayyyyyyyy: “its

Little-K1ng: “fetch...”

jayyyyyyyy: “hm”

Maxwell: “i dont wanna go back no no please no”

Little-K1ng: “i would rather you not go out where the court roams

you got in one good bite, let it be enough”

fetch: “i'll stick nearby.

i just need to get out of the house.”

Little-K1ng: “stay where you can see the road, alright? text me if you need a pickup”

jayyyyyyyy: “stay near the neighborhood. go to the mineshaft if you need to”

fetch: “yeah. got it. later.”

Maxwell: “I'm scared”

donti (e): “...”

Little-K1ng: “oh, max...”

Maxwell: “oh no oh god oh merde”

donti (e): “sh shsshshh max its fine.

calm down its alright.”

Little-K1ng: “tell you what, we can destress with some hot cocoa? with the tiny colorful marshmallows you like?”

Marcus: “I can go make it

I don’t think max wants to be alone right now”

jayyyyyyyy: “maybe watch some movies? ones that uh, dont have kidnapping in them, too. moana would be good?”

Little-K1ng: “i dont actually.. own any movies

i dont watch them”

donti (e): “youtube videos ?”

Little-K1ng: “that works”

[They watch a video of an otter for a while, and discuss the events from earlier this day. Max thinks that the wreathe mayn’t be as bad as everyone thinks it’ll be, as it will have calendula marigolds which are good for helping to heal.]

Little-K1ng: “....ah.. they are, but maybe..... nah, nevermind.... ill let you enjoy the thought”

Maxwell: “they may be fully metal but still...maybe then can help the family....”

Marcus: “...”

Little-K1ng: “.........”

Maxwell: “what?”

Marcus: “..yeah max, that’s a nice thought”

Maxwell: “i thought so too!”

Little-K1ng: “i cant believe.... im staring down the barrel of either losing all 3 of you... or going with you and not remembering any of this... that hurts, and it hasnt even happened yet”

Marcus: “Well

I don’t know if this will comfort you or not

But you might not entirely forget this”

Little-K1ng: “true! this is honestly the happiest thing to happen to me in an incredibly long time, there is a chance itll stick”

Marcus: “Baron and Prince remember their childhoods a little bit”

Maxwell: “stick...sticky...ha honey is sticky but not good

tastes yucky”

Marcus: “...I remembered Elizabeth and I learning codes

....max?”

Maxwell: “hm?

something wrong?”

Marcus: “What was that about honey just now?”

Maxwell: “oh!

well mona said stick

and stick is one letter off from sticky!

and hony is really sticky

but i dont like honey”

Marcus: “...got it

Maxwell: “bleh”

Marcus: “Okay yeah that

That makes sense”

Maxwell: “yeah!”

Little-K1ng: “i wish i hadnt snapped at fetch like that... maybe when he comes back i can give him a proper apology”

Maxwell: “hm perhaps that would be good

family should get along”

[this message was deleted shortly afterwards]

Marcus: “....”

Little-K1ng: “i...?”

Maxwell: “what?”

Marcus: “M..ax?”

Little-K1ng: “max?”

Maxwell: “god damn it did i speak fucking ender again or some shit???”

Marcus: “N..no”

Little-K1ng: “n..no.....”

Maxwell: “the fuck happened then? yall look freaked out”

Marcus: “Um”

Little-K1ng: “nevermind! :)!!”

Maxwell: “hm.....if youre sure...”

Marcus: “I must be tired, it’s fine Max! :)”

Maxwell: “youve been sleeping a lot man you sure?”

Marcus: “Yeah, gotta be tired to sleep a lot right”

Maxwell: “I guess”

Little-K1ng: “are you guys...... hungry?”

[The conversation switches to the topic of making brownies and other baked goods. There was also small talk about methods of removing the growing wreathe buds that had been suggested earlier in the day. Mona suggests cutting one of the buds off, if Max could handle it. Jack and Marcus argue over their priorities: their concern for Max and their family respectively. After snipping off a small part of the buds, the following conversation ensures:]

Marcus: “...he’s not bleeding”

donti (e): “can you guys take a look at what mona cut off?”

emuhlee: “well, that part is good?”

Maxwell: “theres some time of fucking liquid ow”

Marcus: “It looks like that...cellulose that comes out of dandelions”

Little-K1ng: “Hhhhhhhhh”

Marcus: “Mona?

donti (e): “is max alright??”

Marcus: “Uh..in pain?”

dreaming: “uh get a towel?”

Marcus: “It’s not a lot”

Maxwell: “that really hurt jesus fucking christ”

Marcus: “Have you never picked a dandelion?

It’s like that”

Little-K1ng: “That's kinda. Gross”

Jack the Observer: “it's not blood though, right?”

Maxwell: “my headache is much worse....”

Little-K1ng: “No not blood”

Marcus: “It’s..

Huh”

donti (e): “blood substitute?”

Marcus: “It stopped”

Jack the Observer: “huh.”

Marcus: “......”

donti (e): “hey what happened to the bud”

Marcus: “Mona

Mona look”

Marcus: “Mona there’s two more”

Maxwell: “God damn it is this fucking Hercules or some shit”

Jack the Observer: “pft”

donti (e): “well.

we can at least look at the bud that was cut off.”

Marcus: “It’s just sitting there”

[The conclusion from this experiment was that the buds have nerve endings, which is why it hurt Maxwell and worsened his headache when it was cut, even after being numbed with ice prior to cutting. People ask about Fetch’s whereabouts. This was his last known update to the document:]

[With this information, people begin to speculate that Fetch might not be back for a while…]

#on:discord #by:maxwell #by:marcus #by:fetch #if the crown fits

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ruffboijuliaburnsides · 4 years

Note

As some1 whos aro, i see it as i.. literally don't get romance. Like i like sex and i do sex but i really dont get romance. I have friends and i sleep with my friends but watching romcoms where the narrative drives to the big hoorah moment? Idk. Its not for me. I dont want a relationship, i dont want to live with people, i find romantic relationships to be constrictive and horrid. I prefer sex with friends but i panic when people tell me they love me. I dont get it. My brain doesnt go there. 1/

2/ and i kno romance is a big thing for people and thats great - but as someone who just. doesnt go there? Its confusing. Because ppl have expectations about settling down, or if you do sex with ppl and like they get feelings with you and want more. I cant do more. Im not wired that way. I dont know how. Ive done relationships and i get frustrated in them because people you're in a relationship with dont like being treated like a friend. They want more. Intimacy is diff between plat and rom tbh

3/ im not sure if this helps you at all. But for me, being aro is like being ace but i want friends and i want sex i just dont want more than that. I dont understand why people get hung up on relationships or even why you want them. Im not a spokesperson here im just explaining me. Im sorry if this isnt what youre wanting. I also have adhd tho, so maybe this will help you? Idk. Ive never been good at explaining things but thats how i do. Hope it helps. :)

OH LOOK I’M RESPONDING TO A FEW MORE ANONS FROM THAT BIG ROMANTIC LOVE DISCUSSION if only to show your lovely thoughts and attempts at explaining how you experience/view shit, bc I’ve got a couple pups who were interested in this discussion!

So for me, like... I get romance! Well... sort of like. I can definitely write romance (not necessarily WELL but I can), but it’s... more exaggerated than real life ever seems to happen?

BUT a lot of the things that people describe as being “romantic” are in no way something that I find odd to do/feel with friends, OR are things that I find alien because I’m poly, so I have no drive to “be only with this person forever” and I have relationships that I’m happy with neither of us being each other’s primary partner and I’m not jealous when my partners meet other people and are attracted to them.

And my friends like. My idea of intimacy between my close friends and like... my WIFE? are... pretty much the same. It’s about how comfortable I feel with you and how safe and how safe you feel with me. It’s curling up on the couch and being able to cry because literally no reason or literally every reason and have my hair pet and then get given a glass of water and asked if I want to watch something on netflix or youtube or something that’ll make me laugh. Not the only kind or instance OBVIOUSLY but like. That feeling. THat sort of moment that you have with someone where one of you can just be vulnerable and the other will hold them and know how to respond. And that’s something I want in friendships, not just with my wife and partners, y’know?

(also I very sincerely tell my friends I love them ALL THE TIME so no judgement anon I’m just like “oh definitely not me let me slather I love yous EVERYWHERE” haha)

Anyway, I don’t know that this does help my particular issue, anon, but I really appreciate your input and hopefully if nothing else it’ll be helpful for someone else!

#that big romantic love discussion #Anonymous #audience with the gods

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kissmymongoose · 3 years

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Through the good and the bad, im still trucking! Weve almost finished all of the christmas shopping. I want to get the kids a lap desk for when theyre chilling in bed or on the couch. I also want to get mom a picture frame with pictures of her deceased loved ones. Her mom and dad on one, my poppa in a frame, her brother that has passed on. Just stuff like that. A memory frame if you will. Im not sure if ill be able to get it done the way i want but im gonna try damnit.

I need to get stocking stuffers. I keep seeing posts encouraging dads to fill up moms stocking. Kinda makes me sad cause no ones gonna care to put stuff in mine. Ive filled my own before. I think i will this year too. Nothing crazy, a good chocolate box, maybe a bath soak kinda thing or a face mask. Idk. I really like the dark chocolate oranges. Instead of a face mask i could look for some cheap nail art tools. Idk though. It would be nice to have someone else do it. Or even to wrap the gifts I am getting. Theres no suprise when youre the one wrapping them 😥 dont get me wrong, I am very very excited and grateful for what I am getting, I just would like a little special thought put into it for me. This isnt about me though. Its about making sure the kids feel all the magic of Christmas so that when theyre older they can make a little christmas magic of their own.

Gwenavere is such a sweetie. She asked if santa was real and dod gammit im still saying yes! Because even if santa as a man doesnt exist, the spirit of giving and being together is very very real. I told her yes of course Santa was real. I didnt specify how 😉 . i told her if she didnt believe in him then he would stop bringing gifts. And that she would still get presents from family, but that santa was worth believing in because he always seems to know just what we want or need. She says she believes me because I got gifts as a baby, and my biological mom was a drug addict, so santa must be real! 😭😭😭😭 my sweet sweet loving baby! Ive had to tell her about "nanny tab" because im not going to force them to see her and im not going to lie to them about her. We know she doesnt make good choices and that she is addicted to drugs. But the main reason is because she is sick. She has a few illnesses. One or two of which are terminal. Her organs are literally slowly hardening until they atrophy. Even her skin. I dont want them to get attatched to someone who doesnt care just for them to lose her. Im not going to lie to them. My whole life coming up my mom "great aunt" tried to let us have a good impression of my biological mother. And for years we cared and for years she didnt. Im not going to force my kids to be a part of someones life who doesnt care. She might in her own way, but she does not have whats best for my babies on her mind. Im not going to let them trust her just for her to let them down again. I decided for good last year when she came by so high she couldnt remember why she was there or which kid she had stolen what for. And then she gave my kids used dirty mixed up playdoh. And i couldnt let them play with it because i didnt know where it had been. She does way too many drugs for me to be letting the kids dig their hands in it. I had to explain to gwen and adon to be thankful that she thought about them, and that we would throw this playdoh away in case it was unsafe and id get them some fresh playdoh and we could just pretend it was what nanny got us. 😣

Oh yeah, so, we got robbed! We know who did it. An old friend who is addicted to molly and meth. The dumb fucker luckily got our least valuable dirt bike. But almost had our best one. Thankfully david took the kickstarter off and the fucking idiot couldn't operate the bike 😂 im very thankful that it played out the way it did.

Anyway. Im gonna watch a few videos on youtube, blaze up, and start cleaning up our mess from the weekend. Then im gonna finish up wrapping the presents and call it a day. Gonna try to get some rum from the liquor store before bed time. I have some coconut cream to mix with it.

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glittiewings · 5 years

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i criticize people criticizing uglydolls movie bcuz im grump

i havent even watched this movie so idk if im even allowed to do this but i think that im more valid for criticizing a movie that ive looked into more than someone who just watched the trailers idk, i just get big :// seeing the same reasons for why uglydolls movie is considered ““bad”” when they can idk easily be explained?? maybe it’s just me that gets too butthurt seeing my emotional support movie i havent even watch yet get criticized, but dont mind me im just gonna yell a lil bcuz another review that did nothing but shit on the movie came across my youtube feed and im grump

“the dolls arent even ugly” they arent! theyre supercute and all that but they dont! fit! the! society’s! standards! of! human! beauty!!! they dont fit society’s ideal!! wage has her broad shoulders, moxy and babo are chubby, uglydog only has one eye and they all have these big teeth that looks wonky and dont even stay in their mouth!! none of these are ugly!! it’s more of a “you don’t fit society’s standards of beauty” more than it’s them being ugly!! hell there’s even a song pointing out the smallest things about the PERFECT dolls’ looks that honestly doesnt matter!! i dont know if nolan is considered ugly because of his heterochromia or his green streak in his hair or if it just was his “small head and long neck” but when most people think of a human person they dont think about those little quirks!! plus the uglydolls dont even look HUMAN which many dolls usually takes the form of!!

“using glasses as a metaphore for handicap was dumb, glasses are normalized” please tell me the last time you saw a doll with glasses. i can quickly think of ghoulia, jackson and opretta from monster high but theyre also Characters. not just Dolls. and idk if the dolls in the movie are meant to be characters with a story and personality and name or just dolls bcuz i havent watched the movie, but the only Doll Doll i can think of that has glasses is one of the lps dolls, and i dont know if theyre characters as well!! plus these dolls are made from yarn and fleece and not plastic!! i can just google “fleece doll with glasses” and see that 90% of the dolls with glasses are made from plastic!!

“the message is overused” but it’s a good message! it’s a message that some people still have trouble to get into their head!! hell im 16 and im crying over the songs because they bring out the message so well and i can relate to it in some aspects!! plus the movie! is! made! for! kids!!! it may be the first time they see a movie with this message!! i know for sure i cant think of any other movie or show that focuses on this message other than maybe mlp, but at the same time i dont watch much movies!! plus you can use the same message and give it it’s own spin!! we all know about the chilché “two people one bed” fanfic trope and it can go so many ways but still be the same trope!! people are comparing uglydolls to toy story and i just??? cant see it??? because toystory wasnt about being yourself and accepting your flaws nor about toys wanting to be loved by a child, it was about toys already loved by a child ending up in weird adventures because they’re taken care of by a child!! hello???? also all dolled up started playing now and i have to add that the whole song is about makeup and trying to fit the standards that are being forced upon the dolls and at the end of the song moxy is clearly very unhappy with this!! and she even sings how she wished she could be someone else!! hello??????? do you guys know how well children who have self-esteem issues about their body are gonna be able to fit themselves in this??

“the movie is predictable” well if you were able to figure out the wholeass movie from a maximum of 3 trailers because congratz because i sure havent been able to, and ive gotten small spoilers and i’m waist-deep into this fandom!! it’s not the ending that makes the movie, but how you get there!! there’s a different thing with predicting what’s gonna happen before you’ve even seen it, and having seen it and going “oh that was obviously going to happen” because youve probably seen that before if youre a teen/adult like most of the people criticizing this movie seem to be!! this movie’s target audience are children/young teens!! it’s the same thing as with it possibly being the first time they see this message in a movie, it may be the first time they see the type of plotpoints!! i dont know!! im surprised that i havent seen people complaining about lou too obviously being the villain but i think this is good because he’s meant to represent society’s standards of beauty, and clearly seeing that he’s the villain may make kids go “oh so that’s bad because this is the bad guy and he talks about being perfect” i dont know im not a kid i havent watched the movie but my fool of a brain thinks this sound very fair!! criticizing a children’s movie like you’d criticize a movie targeted towards you doesn’t really. work. you gotta take stuff with a grain of salt!!

“it’s obviously made to market toys” what stuff isn’t made to market shit nowadays!!! why does a movie automatically become bad just because they can make a toyline out of it?? i dont get it???? if it’s a good or even decent movie then why does a toyline matter?? hell if something is made to market toys then that means there’ll be toys available!! merch!! as someone who doesnt live in america getting merch for stuff is super hard, so knowing there’ll be toys available for this movie makes me big happy!!

i have no idea what i wanted to do with this and maybe im just thinking too much but i just sits. wanted to get this out bcuz i havent even watched the movie but it’s such a feel-good movie for me (or at least the songs and concept) and it’s adorable and im getting grump at people judging it just because of these stuff that i dont understand why it’s such a big deal?? this isnt made to be replied to or anything but if you wanna add your own points then go hog i guess?? i sit.

#do i tag this #ugly dolls #ugly dolls movie #uglydolls #rambles

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ca1e70-deactivated · 4 years

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a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years.

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid.

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best.

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever.

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment)

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair.

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going.

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

#theres probably so many more i mean #ive been on parp for at least 5-6 years now #ive been on cherubplay probably the same amount of time #and my memory is totally shot to fuck but these are just what i know ive done in the last YEAR #or thought were wild enough to remember #i put it under a read more bc frankly its really fucking long #and i dont want this to represent me entirely #these are also heavily situational based and not like. emotion or reaction based much?#some of them are #i guess i could rename this to like. things ive done on parp #but theyre technically still headcanons a lot of them can coincide with whatever #so theyre not very specific situations #anyways #this took me an hour

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lizzodorito · 4 years

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quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

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catboymuqing-moving · 5 years

Text

wow an oversharing readmore in 2019

k it stresses me out to no end how dramatically my functioning as an autistic person changes from day to day. there are days i think i literally have been faking it this whole time, i have no problem interacting with anyone, im on, im functional, i dont stim or avoid eye contact or get overwhelmed, like im at 100%. and then like the next day i could be barely able to talk and cant even look at someones face and cant stop twirling my hair or putting my fingers in my mouth or rocking and i melt down if the fan is blowing on me it’s really such a difference and it can be hard to control bc it usually depends on how well i sleep or if im under a lot of stress.

although also like, my “worst” doesnt even always feel bad to me. it can be frustrating to not be able to communicate well and i might get overwhelmed easily but i can be perfectly happy just sitting on my bed chewing my fingers and watching slow mo guys on youtube for hours not acknowledging anyone who tries to talk to me face to face. i can always text coherently even if talking out loud isnt working and theres only ever been one or two times i couldnt take care of myself and it only lasted like half a day at that.

like ive gotten really good at coping with stuff and my autism isnt easily visible to most people i would say unless they know what they’re looking for because i happen to have a more “convenient” set of symptoms and on one of those good days i can act totally NT without an issue. im not professionally dxed and i never want to be because i have no need for that and it could be used against me like u wouldnt believe but. that means basically nobody knows im autistic and sometimes i feel like i need people to know so i can get help with stuff or so people at least understand where im coming from in a given situation. but basically i feel like no one would ever believe me because im so good at masking it/i have good days/they dont know what autism may or may not look like in an adult. idk i forgot why i started writing this actually i just wish i could tell people im autistic and have them believe me so i can get help with certain things and be understood better without it being a Thing that could fuck up my life

#its a long and winding train of thought but its in there i guess #anyway im having a stupid day #p

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heterophobiclesbean · 5 years

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i was wondering, WHY do u like math? like, i personally dont understand bc i have a learning disorder that makes numbers not work in my brain, yknow? so i was wondering why u like it, bc i never hear ppl say nice things about math! shaohsso i hope this doesnt sound weird im genuinly interested and i really dont want u to think im trying to shit on ur harmless interests! im just curious! 💚

no its okay lol!

i think for me i liked it growing up because it really clicked with me and like. it just made sense? and there was always a Right Answer, which made it feel more concrete to me? i like history and english and stuff too, but its always been harder for me because i’ve always felt like there was never a Right Way to do it, and i’ve always been a rule follower so having stuff like trig identities that were Always True and Always worked was like really comforting for me?

and then now its more like puzzle solving to me? because with a lot of abstract shit there isn’t necessarily a Solid Answer like there is with computational math, and there’s always a hundred ways to solve a problem, but like. proving a theorem is kind of solving a riddle in a lot of ways? in that you’re given a set of rules, a set-up, and then you have to figure out how to use those rules to get from the set up to the conclusion. and like. there are plenty of times that i dont get it, but when i do it feels like ive just solved a really big puzzle kind of? like i get the same satisfaction and sense of pride? and there are a lot of really cool patterns in math that show up in every branch of it, and a lot of branches that dont seem like math at all, and its just so big and diverse?

like. there’s a youtube channel called numberphile that was really my first exposure to like. math that isnt always Algebra and Trigonometry and calculating things. I remember an episode they did about the enigma code the nazis used in ww2 to encrypt their messages and how it was ALMOST impossible to crack, but it had ONE flaw that a now famous mathematician used at the time to figure out a way to break it. and i was like???? you can use math to fight nazis????? and thats what my gay father, alan turing, did!!!! he used math to fight nazis!!!! and cracking that code was critical to beating the nazis!!!

Also like there’s a lot of art in math? like every mathematician will tell you writing a good proof is more like writing a paper than, say, integrating a function. there’s a lot of clever tricks people have used to solve centuries old problems... and like. one of the fundamental rules of math is “if you cant solve the problem, cheat and just solve a similar problem thats easier” and like thats just hilarious to me like mathematicians will ALWAYS find the easiest route to do things

idk i have plenty of beef with math too because lets be real there is plenty of beef to have with math......... a lot of it was developed by wealthy people who literally made it more confusing on purpose to try to keep uneducated people from being able to read it which is WHACK (example: cosecant corresponds to sine and secant corresponds to cosine... because keeping the “co”s together would be too easy........... completely fucking useless) and i dont blame ANYBODY for not liking it because its not for everyone!! and thats fine. if everyone was a mathematician we would live in a very sad world. but we still need a few here and there!

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