yet again, chat noir has gotten me out of art block, and become my default for when i don't know what character to draw,,,,, HE'S JUST STANDING THERE! BEING PRETTY!!! IDK MAN

“Haha! She looks so cute! Just as cute as Minori!” I mumble out the last part, lying to myself, is this who I really am? I bite the inside of my lip, holding back the urge to weep in both frustration and agony.

“I… I stayed up till 2:00 A.M for this… cramped my hand various times… I wanted Minori…” I whisper out the last part, clenching my fists. I go to the costume options for Minori and select dress up.

“Minori’s outfit compared to Airi’s… don’t get me wrong, I love Airi but I simply wasn’t looking for her right now, how many pulls do I have to do just for a slight chance of getting Minori?…” I put down my iPad onto the floor where I previously picked up, turning it off. I debate to myself whether to keep pulling or to save for the possible upcoming Tsukasa card. I then remember my gacha luck is horrible.

Oh, what will I do?

Why Do It? It’s Just Gonna End?

Living in the moment …

Why is it so damn hard to get that one down?

Teacher in Transition: Day 718, 1 year, 11 months and 19 days. (Im not really keeping track of the days, that’d be nuts…I used an app on my iPad) Contemplating the other night (?) morning (?) ….whatever, I was sitting outside on the porch about 1:30 am contending with one of my all too frequent insomnia bouts. On this particular instance, I didn’t care; in fact I was enjoying myself. Here out in open, rugged hills surrounding Granbury, Tx.; our current location on our travel nurse adventures, the sky is open and beautiful and less hindered from light pollution than Nacogdoches. No street lights as we live out from town, so the night sky is a glow with stars that are normally obscured. It was awesome and, as is the case, the moment I quit trying to fall asleep, I get sleepy; but I didn’t want to sleep…I was having a blast. I was thinking, “I could do this every night!” That’s when the attack came, from out of nowhere, with vicious ferocity…it was …OLD MAN TALK!

Ive referenced this enemy of joy a few times in my articles, it is evil and once it gets its clutches in you, you can never escape it. Old man talk takes the form of innocent almost passive conversation, chit chat if you will. It will steal the spontaneity and pleasure from your daily existence and bleed the exuberance of living drop by agonizing drop. It’s hard to recognize at first. It takes the form what appears to be empathetic concerns: “did you hear that Bill had a heart attack” or “how’s that arthritis and blood pressure doin” or perhaps it’s the diabolical, “we only have a few good years left!” (Yes, YOU know who you are!) My attack was much more subtle but just as dangerous. As I thought, “I could do this (star gazing …keep up) every night,” came the malignant verbiage of Old Man Talk: “well, you better not enjoy this too much because it might rain one night and you’re only gonna be here three months and you’ll be home under the street lights and what’ll you do when it gets cold and you know car headlights always blind you when you sit out too late and ……….” You see where I’m headed.

There are basically two ways to react to old man talk and, for the ladies, old lady talk. The first way is to acquiesce: pull your jacket over your shoulders and say, “I reckon you’re right Mr. Old Man…I’ll pull my stiff bones up and go to sleep…morning comes early round here you betcha.” If this is your response, go ahead and get your affairs in order and get the burial plot ready because you’ve become Old Man’s newest victim. The other response is to kick Old Man straight in his false teeth and tell him, “get the hell outta here, can’t you see I’m living right now?” Fight the man! The next time you’re debating having dessert, or going to the 9:00 pm movie, or whether you should buy that new guitar, or whether you should travel to Norway … or even enjoy the simple pleasure of looking at the stars live for the pleasure of the moment.

You young’n’s don’t laugh you too can fall victim to this malady. I’ve known many people in their twenties who already saw life through the eyes of an eighty year old. It can take hold anytime a person decides that momentary joys and excitements must take a back seat to being practical and playing it safe. Ugh…who wants that?

I guess I should’ve qualified this earlier on, but I’m not old and don’t plan to be for a long damn time. I’ll resist aches and pains, storms of rain, pandemics that are insane and delays of planes etc. etc.. The weapon of choice to combat the Old Man is simple realization and focus on a few basic truths: we don’t live forever, but we live now; tragedy, though unavoidable, is only temporary; don’t count days because there is no tomorrow…ever, it always becomes today; joy or sadness…it’s your choice. Everybody knows this, but few live it and everyone will realize it by either living for the moment or sitting in a rocker nursing regrets. I’ve taught too few students who instinctively grasped this concept and lived amazing lives. I’ve known far too many adults of various ages who sorrowfully agonized over, “if only I’d spent less time at the office,” or some such. It’s not an easy state of mind to grasp. To master it usually takes some experience with loss, plans that went awry and a dissatisfaction with the way life feels. It doesn’t have to be that way, wise men and women (the mortal enemies of Old Man and Old Lady) have been putting the message out there for centuries…you need only open your eyes. As the Buddha said, “relax, nothing is in control.”

Now, get out there and if you message me at 1:00 am, I’ll be star gazing.

XP-PEN Artist 12 Pro Review!

hello! XP-PEN was kind enough to send me their Artist 12 Pro: LINE FRIENDS Edition for an honest review. i currently use a Wacom Cintiq 13HD, but i’m always interested in affordable alternatives, so i wanted to check it out!

in this review, i will be comparing the Artist 12 Pro to the tablet that i have - keep in mind it is an older version of the Cintiq 13HD, so i’m not sure what they’ve changed recently. but because Wacom is pretty consistent in terms of tablet quality, i believe this is a fair comparison.

so right out of the box, there’s a lot of fun, cute accessories that come with this particular collab. part of this tablet’s selling point is its portability, and i can definitely see why! it feels very light and slim (note: this is a display tablet, like the Cintiq 13HD, so it must be connected to a computer). i was also pleasantly surprised to see all the different adapters it came with!

the pen comes with eight additional nib replacements - my Cintiq originally came with five. i personally have a very light touch, so i’ve never had to replace my nibs before, but i think having extra is helpful for those who have a heavy hand. the portable stand also has one level compared to the Cintiq’s three, but i found the angle just fine.

this might be a personal preference, but i really appreciate how the cable plugs into the Artist 12 Pro. it’s something i wish i could change about my Cintiq - one wrong nudge will send my tablet screen flickering to black before booting up again.

i also love the 3-in-1 cable that the Artist Pro has, because it cuts down on the multiple cords i have running under my desk.

this tablet comes with eight buttons and a scroll wheel on the side. some people prefer using their keyboard, but i like using express keys because i don’t have to move my hand from the tablet at all. so this was a point in its favor for me! these are my shortcuts, for those who are curious:

the driver set-up and installation also went smoothly. i first tested the tablet on a MacBook Air before switching over to a desktop PC, so i got to experience the set-up on both MacOS and Windows. in my opinion, it's easier on a Windows device. it feels a lot more straightforward. while i was also able to successfully install the tablet driver on MacOS, it required a little more tinkering and some additional steps. i wouldn’t consider this enough to dissuade Mac users, i just personally enjoyed my experience on the PC more!

(full disclosure: i had some screen troubles when the tablet was connected to my MacBook, but this was because i had to hook it up via an adapter of my own. i didn’t want to pay $70 for the official Apple product so i got a cheaper one, which ended up being a clown move LOL :’) once i removed the adapter and connected the tablet to a PC, i no longer had any of these problems. just something to look out for if you’re considering using any usb-c adapters!)

now for the most important part: drawing on the tablet! first off, the laminated screen feels very nice. i personally dislike drawing on slippery glass screens (this is part of the reason why i struggle to draw on iPads without a textured screen protector), so the matte, non-glare finish is really satisfying. the active draw space is slightly smaller than my Cintiq (10.09″ x 5.67″ vs 11.75″ x 6.75″), but i personally like small to medium screens so that didn’t bother me.

i do believe the Cintiq 13HD is more precise when it comes to pen sensitivity and responsiveness - however, i feel like the Artist 12 Pro holds its own very well. i’ve been using my Cintiq for years, so i’m very used to how it feels. despite working on an unfamiliar tablet, i was able to sketch, ink, and color quite comfortably on the Artist Pro. while i noticed slight differences in pen precision, it simply resulted in me redoing some lines now and then, and that ended up being my only complaint. the colors looked just as vivid as they did on my Cintiq, and i was able to adjust the pressure settings in order to compensate for my light pen strokes.

in terms of cost effectiveness, my Cintiq 13HD was $700, while the Artist 12 Pro is $300. although the Cintiq moderately outperforms the Artist Pro in pen sensitivity, whether or not that warrants its price tag is up for debate. ultimately, it’s up to the individual to decide what’s more important to them: performance or value. you could go for a tablet that’s affordable, but has some room for improvement, or a tablet that performs slightly better, but is considerably more pricey.

though the Cintiq is twice as expensive, i wouldn’t consider it twice as good. but again, it really comes down to what’s most important for your workflow, and what guarantees you get your money’s worth. i’ve found that huge ranges of pen sensitivity or pen tilt are totally unnecessary for my art, but for some, that may be a deal breaker. personally, i was able to use both tablets well, and neither impeded my ability to draw.

my final verdict: if you are a hobbyist, looking to upgrade to a screen tablet, or trying to get into digital art, the Artist 12 Pro is definitely an option to consider! i think it’s a really solid display tablet, especially for its price point. though i can only speak for myself, my experience with the Artist Pro has been a positive one! XP-PEN seems to be a strong competitor for Wacom and its products, and i’m very eager to see how they grow from here.

⭐️ XP-PEN Official Website ⭐️ 🌱 Artist 12 Pro LINE FRIENDS Edition 🌱

where our demons hide {dark!sam wilson x fem!reader} part 2

where our demons hide {dark!sam wilson x fem!reader} part 2

status — ongoing series

warnings — non-con turns into dub-con, implied oral sex (giving), name-calling, swearing, porn with a bit of plot, dark!sam wilson, unprotected penetrative sex (pls dont do this, use protection!)

word count — 2,129

a/n — u can read this as a standalone but if you want, you can read the first part. my askbox is open if you guys wanna talk, rant, or if u have questions abt this fic or my other fics. feedback is very much appreciated! have a great day and stay safe guys :> 

masterlist

part one — tony stark

Tapping on the counter top, I was waiting for the coffee pot to warm up the caffeinated drink that would hopefully awaken my senses. Upon seeing the light switch from red to green, my hands grabbed my aluminum tumbler and poured out the liquid. As I was sealing the cover up, a knock on the door of the common kitchen for the researchers had me turning around and raising my brow, “Hey Kim, what’s up?”

Her tawny-colored skin was somewhat damp with sweat and her chest was panting slightly, “Mission debriefing is starting in a few minutes, some of the agents just landed.” This just made me even more confused as I placed the coffee pot back to its former position, before crossing my arms, “What’s it got to do with me? I’m not usually needed there, you know.”

As she was wiping her face, she explained to me, “I was shocked too when they told me they needed you. But I think it’s because they have gathered information that they might need verification and more investigation, so you’re needed there.”

I thanked her and told her that I would be there in a few, with the tumbler on my hand, I quickly made my way inside my office, left the coffee on my table and grabbed for my iPad and stylus pen. By the time I arrived at the conference room, it looks like the agents had just arrived. I smiled at them and looked for a seat.

“Sorry, I had to handover Redwing to the technology department. But we can begin now,” Sam Wilson declared as he walked in and motioned for one of the agents to start the debriefing. The Falcon chose to sit beside me and as I started to take notes of the meeting, I noticed how he scooted closer towards me. Seeing as we were both seated away from the projector, the other four people present in the room would not have a clear view of the two of us — especially of what was happening underneath.

While focusing my attention on the screen, I felt a warm, calloused hand on my thigh. For a brief second, it made me disconnect my vision on the screen and to the hand, I looked at Sam but before I could even question what he was doing he shushed me, “Pay attention to the briefing, baby.”

The pet name had me blushing and I complied with what he ordered me to do. As the agent was continuing on with what he was talking about, I felt the same hand on my thigh riding up my black skirt until the edge of it was sitting on the middle of my thighs. Small beads of sweat began dripping on my face — I was thankful that I had worn a sleeveless, lime green blouse for it would not show any sweat stains — as I was anticipating what his next move would be. At first he was simply drumming his fingers on my thigh and caressing it, but I later on felt his fingers glide from my thigh and to my knees.

I placed the iPad on the table and placed both my hands there, not only was I taking notes of what was being discussed in this meeting, but I was also hoping to shield whatever was happening underneath the table from the eyes of the other people who were present in the room. His cayenne-toned hand was inching his way towards the insides of my thigh. Enjoying the sensation of warmth that his fingers brought — as well as being completely engrossed on what was being discussed by the other agent who had taken the floor to speak about the earlier events of the mission — I absentmindedly widened my legs and welcomed his hand.

A low chuckle was let out by the Avenger and his amusement with the situation was also made clear through his fingers brushing my clit through my panties. I gripped on my stylus pen tighter when one of his fingers swiped my underwear to the side and he was gently poking my clit. Inhaling sharply, I looked from the iPad and onto the screen, relief washing over me once I realized that the debriefing had come to an end.

“I’m gonna stay here for a little while to copy the presentation and check over the reports you have,” I stated as I moved away from the table and stood up over to where the laptop attached to the projector was, the other four agents nodded and all made their way to door to leave the room. I saw that Sam also stood and headed for the door and just when I thought he would come along with them to leave he informed them, “I’m gonna stay just in case she has any questions about our mission. Great work earlier, by the way.”

As I continued on with sending the files to my email and as well to my other team members, I noticed how as Sam called them out goodbye, he shut and locked the door. I gulped as I saw him start to make his way towards where I was. Standing and towering over where I was seated, he placed both of his hands on my shoulders, his lips grazing my neck, “You did so good earlier, baby girl. Keeping quiet for me, letting me play with you.”

I didn’t know how to react and continued on looking for the files that they had found, this might have upset him because he bit down on the flesh of my neck and I whimpered, turning my head to face him. There was a sinister smile gracing his lips when I finally looked at him, “There’s my pretty girl,” he softly said as one of his hands grazed the side of my face, “why don’t you be a good girl and put that laptop down for now, hm?”

I nodded and placed the laptop down next to the projector and the iPad I used earlier, all without breaking eye contact with him — not that I could remove my eyes from his intense gaze. Upon seeing that I followed him, he once again told me to stand up and I did, he went behind me — his front pressing against mine. Feeling his breath tickle the back of my neck prompted the goosebumps on my skin to rise.

His hands gently grazed my forearms and they were slowly going lower into my waist then my hips. “I’ve been talking to Stark recently,” he began as his lips touched my ear, “And he told me how you’re one of the most hardworking employees we have.” My spine went frigid upon hearing this, memories of my previous encounter with the aforementioned hero resurfaced on my head and made me all tingly. “Is there any truth in that, baby girl?”

I gulped, “Yeah, he once caught me working late and being the only one left in the building,” I managed to breath out. A chuckle of approval vibrated through his chest and his hands slid down meeting the end of my black pencil skirt, hiking it up until the ends of it rested on my waist. As his hands began cupping and feeling up my backside, “I might have to see for myself how much of a hard worker you really are,” and just as he said that, he shoved me into the table until my chest was planted firmly against the cold, wooden table and he swiftly slapped both of my ass cheeks.

I let out a small whimper as I turned my head around and watched him as he pulled my panties down, leaving it to pool at my feet. A small amount of drool left my mouth upon seeing how he was unfastening his pants and pulling it down it, along with his underwear — finally revealing his erected cock. “Let’s see how much of a good girl you are, baby.”

Despite my internal debate — on whether we would be caught, what if someone decided to walk in, should I really let this go any further — I found myself moaning in pleasure when Sam slid in with one move. “Fuck, baby girl, you feel so tight,” he groaned and did not wait for anything and suddenly pulled his hips back and slammed it back.

He was taking his time with his thrusts, but that did not mean he was being gentle. Long, slow, and powerful thrusts were being given to me. I wailed loudly as he entangled one of his hands in my hair and pulled on it, lifting my chest slightly above the desk, arching my back and I could feel his chest pressed against mine. His lips were placing wet kisses on my neck, “You like that, baby? You like having a thick cock inside of you?”

His other hand which was not entangled on my hair was rubbing my nipples through my blouse. Feeling that I had no bra, and just had nipple tape covering it had him laughing, “What a slut you are huh, baby? Coming to work with no bra, it’s just like you’re begging to get fucked!” My whimpers and dragged out moans were not enough to fuel him to keep him going, for he let go of my hair and spanked my ass, “Answer me! You like being used like a little whore?”

I nodded my head, “Yes, fuck! I like it when you use me, makes me feel full,” I was going to say more but he raised one of my legs and placed it on the table, stretching me out for him, allowing him to reach deeper within me. He also began to move one of his hands inside my blouse and remove the nipple tapes, flicking, pulling and twisting my nipples. To add even more pleasure, he was also slapping my ass and rubbing them after his hand met by backside flesh.

“Moan my name, baby, let me know how much you love this,” he managed to say within deep breaths and my fists curled near my head as the stimulation became too intense. He was displeased with my lack of response, which prompted him to push inside me and not pull out. With one hand still enveloped around my boob, his other hand was rubbing my swollen clit. Feeling deprived of pleasure and wanting to already cum, I was grinding my ass to his cock, hoping to match the pleasure he’d given me earlier. “You know what I wanna hear, baby. Say it and I’ll make you cum hard,” he retorted me at what I was doing.

“Please, Sam, please make me cum,” I began and he smirked and resumed thrusting in me, “You feel so good inside me. You got me so wet and I love having you in me,” I mewled out, hoping that my moans would get him going, and apparently it did the trick. He was now going fast and hard, not giving me any time to breathe, just using my body however he pleases — and I loved every single second of it.

With his two fingers rubbing my clit furiously, the other hand clawing and pinching at my breasts, as long as his thick cock hit my insides in a hard and furious pace, I came with a scream. This however did not stop Sam from going, he continued on with his pace even though I was overly sensitive. He withdrew both his hands from my boob and clit, placing them in my hips — moving my body in time with his thrusts — so every time he thrusted forward, my hips and ass would be pulled closer to him. “Fuck baby, I’m so close,” he groaned and I turned my head to see him biting his lips with his eyes staring directly into mine.

Unconsciously, I found myself clenching hard due to his intense gaze, it seemed to do the trick for shortly after he stopped thrusting and pushed all the way inside me. Hands loosening their grip on my hips, he groaned out loud as I felt his warm release spill inside me. I found myself panting following his release — thinking that this was over and that I would be able to get back to work. However, it seems like that was not what the Avenger had in his mind.

Sam pulled out of me and sat on one of the conference chairs, he was watching my move to wear my discarded panties when he interrupted me from doing so, “Don’t think I’m done with you, baby girl. Come over here and show me what that beautiful mouth can do.”

Atlas

Uwuwuuwuwuwu this is far more stream of consciousness than usual, but i hope you still like it!!!!

This is also my first time writing on mobile (my iPad) ever, and gotta say, this fuckin sucks dude, other than the fact that i can move anywhere rather than being at mercy to my laptop. That’s pretty cool.

Thank u anon this was not worth the wait at all

Word Count: Probably around 200?? Can’t tell cause mobile’s being a FUCKING BITCH

Connor RK 800 x Gender Neutral Reader

“Do you need help? It’s a steep hill—“

“Just cause I sweat and you don’t doesn’t make you better than me, bitch.”

It’s been a weird time, a really weird time, lately.

Detroit and the rest of the world are in the midst of debating whether or not your best friends are people, but, at least they’re not getting killed anymore?

Sure.

But you don’t want to think about the fucking politics of being alive anymore, you don’t want your private exploratory life to be one that’s only in your dreams. You want a life, you want a life for your friends, you want a life for Connor.

“Are you okay?”

He’s an android, his voice is coming through a speaker lodged down his throat, and yet it sounds so soft and so sweet, you’re a bee drowning in honey.

“Need I remind you, you’re the one that prompted going hiking and stargazing, not me. We can leave, if you want—“

“No.” You don’t mean for it to come out shaky, but it does. You kick at the dirt beneath you, and look over the cliff edge you’ve hiked up to. You speak straight and don’t look at Connor for a second.

You’ll stutter if you do.

“I feel so out of control.”

He’s silent, his soft stomps in the dirt tell you to keep going, so you do.

“I don’t want your existence to be a debate, I don’t want to fight people over happiness, I don’t wanna fight just to feel nothing when I lay in bed at the end of the day. I just feel like I don’t have a choice in my own fucking life anymore, nothing is tangible...”

“But this dirt is.” You finish, looking from the city lights of Detroit to Connor, you dig your feet further into the ground. “It’s something tangible, it’s something I can feel and control.”

You lift your hands up in front of him, reaching out as you stare at the fine art that is your skin. “I can control me too, y’know.”

You turn your feet strictly towards the cliff, and look to the stars with your hands at your sides.

“So, I’m gonna choose to look at the fucking stars cause I want to, I’m gonna feel the dirt beneath my feet cause I want to, and I’m gonna fight for myself, and you...”

“Cause I fucking want to.”

He grabs your hand and looks at the stars with you.

“You remind me of that one.” He points to a constellation, you squint and analyze it.

“Atlas?” You side eye him, raising an eyebrow.

“He who dares, he who suffers.”

You try to shrug it off and grin, pointing to the sky yourself, “Yeah, well you remind me of that star.”

“Almach?” He affirms. You nod.

“Earth-Kid.”

“Well that’s not ba—“

“An Arabian Weasel.”

...

“We’re never going star-gazing again.”

—

I got this request during Christmas break last year and never did it!! But I’m no bitch!! So here it is!! Sorry it took so long dear anon.

Wrote this in like 20 minutes without thinking hope it’s not fuckin shit, little different than my usual shit but y’know, it be like it do

Spent a solid hour trying to put in the tag list, but tumblr broke every single fuckin time and I’m tired, pls talk to me i miss u all

Love Song

1

Whatever was happening, I could only describe it as an out-of-body experience, almost as if I were looking at myself from the other side of the room, mocking me for my own awkwardness. Or maybe I was just starstruck. 

I couldn't look away from him. His lopsided smile grew bigger,  and he cocked his head slightly to the side, staring at me as if there was nothing else that could possibly interest him in that room. A new feeling, the small, warm flutter that started at the pit of my stomach, maybe it was just my heart that was starting to race in my chest. 

Time had stopped, it had to, as there was no way I had spent so much time looking at him, and standing awkwardly in the middle of a room, while other two people witnessed my stupidity. I wasn't used to it, not to the rushing heart that was thumping in my chest, or to the hollow pit in my stomach that made it difficult to breathe. I wasn't used to not know what to do with my hands, or how to smile, or how to think. 

"I'm sorry, am I boring you?"

Funny enough, that's never a concerned question. It's always asked with certain annoyance and in a stern tone that commands attention, almost as if the person asking didn't really care about the status of your entertainment.

I looked up at her, her piercing and steely blue eyes staring at me while her red nails drummed on the table impatiently. She was wearing a black dress, without a jacket, as the sunny day in L.A. was hot enough to make you feel like going to the beach and having a couple of beers. Could you even swim in L.A.? Maybe in Corona del Mar, certainly not in Santa Monica. Never by the pier. Jesus, I was bored. 

But even then, the thought of answering sincerely didn't really cross my mind. 

"Of course not," I smiled meekly at Midge, hoping the gesture would calm her down. "I'm sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night. What were you saying?"

And oh, she didn't buy my excuse, never really did. Her eyes rolled back, just a little bit, enough to let me know she thought I was a fucking pest, but that still, she was a professional. Without saying a word, she went back to look through the magazine on her Ipad, flipping the page to stare carefully at the page-wide photo. I looked at it and felt that familiar pang of anxiety, the certainty that I was way in over my head. That someday, somehow, this dream or nightmare was going to end, and I was going to wake up back home, clad in sweat, to go back to wait tables at the dinner. Go back to fighting for a way out. 

Midge kept staring at the photo, with a clinical eye that only years and years of experience could grant. I wondered if she thought the same as I did; if the person staring back from the glossy page of the Vogue magazine was as much of a stranger to her as she was to me. Sure, she had my lips, red and pillowy from the makeup, and her hair looked as disheveled in the long braid as mine usually did, but still, she wasn't me. She couldn't be. She looked powerful and peaceful, two feelings I wasn't too familiar with, as she sat on a huge red velvet throne with her feet hanging in the air. Her hand was resting awkwardly above her head, and the dress, beautiful as it was, with its gauze and its pearls and its flowers, wasn't the most striking part of the picture, but her eyes. They were fierce and piercing and demanded to be looked at. 

She wanted to be seen. She demanded it. She was in Vogue and wanted everyone to know there was a new star in town. 

"This is a nice picture." Midge pointed at it. "Nice work."

"Thanks," I replied, scrambling to look away from her as soon as she went back to inspect the rest of the magazine. 

Midge's office was almost as impressive as she was. Her main wall was covered with photos of her clients, with people wearing their finest clothes and posing as if it was nothing; like their lives were normal and the rest of us just needed to catch up. There was Sandra Bullock in InStyle Magazine, Jennifer Lawrence on Time, and Taylor Swift on Elle. A picture of Midge and Elle and Dakota Fanning in some party was right in the middle of the mix, and I gulped, wondering when would she finally tell me to fuck off. She didn't need me. She would do just fine after I disappeared into thin air. 

And I needed her so badly.  

I looked back at her to inspect her further, even when I had done that thousands of times before. She was wearing a simple black drape tunic that fell a little above her knees, and a pair of Alexander Mcqueen's sandals, with a leather bow around her ankle.  Everything about her screamed boss, and I was adequately scared of her. 

"We need more photos," She said, without raising her voice, which made me think she wasn't even talking to me. "We want you everywhere during award season."

"I will make sure I am seen everywhere," I offered, but I was received with a dismissing wave of her hand, right before she got up to serve herself some water, or at least what I hoped was water. 

"Don't worry. We'll take care of it. I have...something in the works already." She turned, offering me an odd smile that made me shift on my chair. I picked up an ambiguity in her tone, like even that tiny bit of information was already saying too much, and I gulped nervously, looking at her as she walked calmly back to her chair. I debated whether I should ask her about it, or just nod, to put myself on her bad side or just let her do her job. On one side, she was fucking good at it and I thanked all of my stars to have her. On the other side, "something in the works" is never enough information, much less when you're the one on the receiving end. 

"Midge, can I ask..."

"Don't worry about it, honey." She smiled condescendingly. "I'll tell you when it's all ready. Until then, let's focus on getting you as many nominations as we can. We're going after an Oscar, let's not forget that."

The Oscar, the only thing being talked about around me even before the movie came out. If anything, I was incredibly happy I had the chance to play make-believe, dress fancy and run around talking with a British accent. To work along well-established actors, and to have their grace and support, it was more than I ever expected. Much more than I could ever dream of. 

Also, my performance had been buzzed about before, raved between critics and peers, and not even that had gotten me a nomination. 

Even a sliver of hope seemed too risky at this point. And I knew it, knew the heartache that was coming my way if I wasn't on the list of nominees. But even then, I couldn't help it, couldn't help but wish for it, imagine myself crying as I hugged my mother when they called for my name, and the words I would say as I held the golden bald man in my trembling hand: "Thank you, God. Thanks, mom..."

"Do you think I can get it? That I can get an award?" I asked her, holding my breath as I waited for her answer. Maybe she had picked up the doubt in my voice, or the fact that it quivered a little at the end. I felt small, almost expecting a laugh and a resounding no, but Midge smiled instead, turning to look at me with a soft expression I didn't know she was capable of.

"I think you're incredibly talented, honey. I wouldn't be representing you if you weren't." She said. "I think you can get it, and that you deserve it, and I'm just gonna push you in the right direction, so I need you to trust me, yes?"

Anything she wanted, everything she needed. 

"Yes." 

Well, not everything. 

Or maybe yes. 

I still hadn't decided. 

***

The meeting went on for about 15 more minutes, during which, Midge seemed to grow more distracted until she finally dismissed me. I tried not to jump up from the chair and run out of that office but left pretty quickly anyway, rushing through the corridors jammed with cubicles, and trying to ignore the head peeking out of the white cardboard separators.

The rush of a dream, a grand one, was making my heart beat faster, and my smile grow bigger as I head to the lobby. I tried to calm myself down, to not give in to the fantasy, but my mind kept rushing with the images of the balls, and the dresses, and how beautiful the statuettes would look in my living room.

"Hey!"

My heart came to a sudden stop, as I turned around to see him. He was sitting on the black couch in front of the receptionist counter, and was looking at me with a mix of bewilderment and amusement. Sam was wearing all black, and his curly hair was starting to get too long to behave, so it just flopped on his forehead. I smiled at him as he started to get up and let him take my bag out of my hands for him to carry. 

"You didn't have to wait for me, y'know?

"Well, you promised sushi." He shrugged off, smiling widely as I bumped my shoulder against his in protest.

"So, let's get sushi," I agreed, following behind him as he started to make his way out of the building. The day was incredibly shiny, and the air was crispy and I felt giddy, walking to his car as if I was on a cloud.

Sam had this thing about him, something that made everything easier when he was next to me. His smile could light up a room, like a burden had lifted off my shoulders, and his company made me feel safe, maybe from how many times he had saved me before. 

"So, how did it go with Midge?" He asked while he got ready to turn on the engine to leave. He pronounced her name with an edge, just like he did since she had asked us to keep our friendship from the public eye. We appreciate your privacy, Sam. Hanging out so much with Sofia will only get you trouble.

But Sam only saw me as his friend. I should know, I wish he didn't.

"It went well, she said she has something in the works for me."

"Like what?

"I don't know...I'm a bit scared if I’m being honest.”

“Well, you should be,” He said. Sam was considering his next words, I could see by the way his eyebrows scrunched up right in the middle, and by the chewing of his bottom lip. He looked at me, with his big hazel eyes, and his mouth twitched a little. “Are you sure you don’t want to be a teacher? It seems easier”

“An actress, Sam,” I smiled. “I’ll make enough money, so we’ll never have to go back.”

“You won’t ever have to go back. I’ll never let you.”

I believed him. I could still remember the smell of his drenched jacket when he started his car before we drove away. 

"I know," I replied simply. "But, it's also fun, isn't it?"

"If you say so." 

***

- Info you need to know -

Name of the show: The Late Late Show with James Corden.

Host: James Kimberley Corden (Do not call him Kimberley). 

Time slot: 12:37am/11:37pm c

Banned subjects: Kardashians/Kanye; Trump; how much you hated 'Love Actually'; how Grey's Anatomy needs to end. 

Encouraged conversations: Your movie (the Oscar one, not The Kissing List), your love life (we'll feed you cues), how hot you think Rihanna is. How much you love John Mulaney. 

1. You'll be wearing a short dress. Be sure to sit like a lady. 

2. Tell James you love his British accent. Laugh at his joke. 

3. Mention your little sister.

4. Mention your multiple scars from falling everywhere. 

5. Don't sing even if he asks you to. Or maybe do. We'll revisit this.

6. Come by my office at 8:15. 

D.

***

I was late for Diana's meeting. I didn't know what it was about, or why it had to be so early in the morning, all I knew was that I was late and that she was probably going to chew my head off. 

By the time I got to her office, it was already 8:35, and I was sweaty and panting, breathless from running the flights of stairs to the 8th floor, as it was almost impossible to get into an elevator at that hour. A light layer of sweat was forming over my forehead, and the fishtail braid I had begged my little sister to do was falling apart. It wasn't my best look, but there was nothing I could do about it. 

Hi, Diana, I'm so sorry I'm late. Cat missed the school bus and I had to take her. Yes, I know, you don't care...

I expected to find Diana fuming, with her arms crossed on her chest and a carefully threaded eyebrow raised almost to her scalp. I expected her to be so angry at my tardiness, that she refused to see me for an hour or two, even if there was nothing else on her calendar, just to teach me a lesson. I was ready for it, actually. 

So, when I pushed the door open, and I found her laughing, it was almost disappointing.

The chirpy blonde (Midge's second best agent!!!) did not notice my arrival, nor did the two guys that were chatting with her. It wasn't until I closed the door behind me that they turned to look at me. The conversation died down, and an awkward silence took over the room while everyone's eyes fell on me. 

The guy to the right was about D's age, 34 or 35 years old, tall and handsome. He was wearing a simple gray peacoat and a pair of black jeans and was holding a bunch of papers in his hands. He nodded, almost in recognition, and I offered him a small smile in return.

The guy to the left, well, I recognized him. It would be almost impossible not to. 

"Hi," I heard myself mumble, looking at him as he stared back at me. 

"Hi, I'm Harry," He said as his lips twitched into half a smile. I noticed that he was wearing a black knit sweater, and was trying to jam his fingers into the pocket of his black jeans, however, the heavy looking rings on his fingers didn't allow him to do so. 

"I, I know," I replied.

Whatever was happening, I could only describe it as an out-of-body experience, almost as if I were looking at myself from the other side of the room, mocking me for my own awkwardness. 

Or maybe I was just starstruck. 

I couldn't look away from him. His lopsided smile grew bigger,  and he cocked his head slightly to the side, staring at me as if there was nothing else that could possibly interest him in that room. A new feeling, the small, warm flutter that started at the pit of my stomach, maybe it was just my heart that was starting to race in my chest. 

Time had stopped, it had to, as there was no way I had spent so much time looking at him, and standing awkwardly in the middle of a room, while other two people witnessed my stupidity. I wasn't used to it, not to the rushing heart that was thumping in my chest, or to the hollow pit in my stomach that made it difficult to breathe. I wasn't used to not know what to do with my hands, or how to smile, or how to think. 

"So..." Diana was looking at us, her green eyes dancing from one to the other while a coy smile started to form on her lips. "Can we continue?"

She was mocking me, of that I was certain. Her eyes followed me until I took a seat next to the other guy, whose name I had totally missed, and smirked when I finally looked at her. My cheeks felt hot, and my heart seemed to barely be recovering from a marathon. 

"Ok," She continued, recovering her serious face as she turned to face us all. "Here's the thing: We have an offer to make, which we think might benefit all of us. Our client is an up-and-coming Hollywood star, and as you may, or may not, know, we're pushing for her to be an Oscar nominee this award season. We almost have the Golden Globes nomination in the bag, and we're being as careful as possible with her overall image and fame."

I almost felt like I wasn't in the room, as if Diana wasn't talking about me. It was all too clinical, too impersonal, and I felt far away from it. I peered to my side and saw the guy next to me shifting awkwardly in his seat, just like if he knew what was coming, and regretted it deeply. As if he was waiting for a train to crash, and all he could do was stand there and let it happen. 

"The movie she was in was very particular." Diana smiled, looking at me for the first time since she started. "And she was wonderful in it. We're certain she'll have no problem creating buzz for herself, but...we'd like to help."

"Help how?" I asked.

"Jeff, would you like to continue?"

The guy next to me, whose name was Jeff, didn't seem like he wanted to continue. He didn't seem like he wanted to be there actually, but he stood up and leaned against Diana's desk to look at us. 

"First," He started. "I owe Midge a favor."

"That's reassuring." I heard Harry mock under his breath.

"We want to spread a rumor, and not deny it, about you two." He ignored Harry, and looked at me, as if I was an easier audience that would understand what was wanted of me. "We want you to hang out, and act like a couple, a romantic one." But the fact that I wasn't protesting, or even talking, was not because I agreed with whatever he was saying, but rather, because I had no fucking idea of what was happening. Instead, I just stared at him dumbfounded. "We think it might give you an edge. Your movie is about to hit theaters, and it might push people to go and check it out, just to see who's that girl Harry's dating. That and the buzz you already got during the festivals' screenings, you might have a great chance next year."

"Also," Diana interjected. "It might tip the balance in your favor in the Josh and Hazel's Guide to not Dating's casting. People don't really see you as a romantic lead."

"And, for you, Harry." Jeff was rather cautious as he continued. "We think it might give you exposure to a broader audience, and..."

"I don't need exposure," Harry shook his head. 

"You do. You're nothing without it, and that's exactly what you don't want to be," Diana explained in a rather cold tone. More like the Diana I knew and feared. "We also think you'll be a really good Josh. If this all works out, who knows, maybe you'll even lead the movie. That's something people would love to see."

She smiled at him, despite the fact that there was a deep set frown in his forehead, and that his face was not very friendly at that very moment. I still couldn't quite shake the feeling that this was happening to someone else, not to me. It couldn't be happening to me. 

"We'll let you two talk, I'm gonna get the papers ready," she said, taking Jeff’s hand to pull him out of the room to leave us alone.

"I can act romantic," I mumbled as soon as she closed the door. 

"What?"

"Nothing." I let my hand ran through my hair before looking at him. He was already staring at me, with that same intensity as when I first entered the room. He looked tired, and his eyes were puffy like he had barely gotten any sleep the night before. He switched on his seat until he was fully facing me, with his feet dangling from the arm-chair while he leaned back to the wall to make himself comfortable. The colorful planets on his black sweater made me smile, and before I could blush under his gaze, I looked down to my lap, not uttering a word as I felt his eyes on me. 

"I like your movies." I heard him say. 

My eyes rose to his, which was definitely a mistake. It was easier not to look at him, not to see the way his pink mouth twitched when he was deep in thought and the anchor tattoo that was peeking under his black sweater. He was prettier by the minute, and I could feel a strange pull in my tummy, one I had never felt before, and I still couldn't decide if it was a good or a bad feeling. 

"Thank you. My little sister really likes your music."

"You don't?" He asked in amusement. 

"I, I like Fireproof." 

"That's a 1D song."

"I still like it." I shrugged off, feeling elated as his sweet smile spread on his lips, showing off his bunny teeth and the dimples on his cheek. "And Woman, I like Woman."

The fluttering in my stomach seemed to be growing, and I had to wonder if I was going to explode at any second now. He leaned forward, as if he was ready to tell me some big secret, and bit the corner of his lip as he got ready to say his next words. 

"Do you want to do this?" He finally said. 

I did. I didn't. I had no idea. 

"Do you think it'll work?" My voice didn't sound like my own. It was laced with doubt and something else that I couldn't quite describe yet. 

"People will believe whatever they want." He shrugged, returning my gesture in an effortless way.

"You're right...I just, I never seem to know how far I want this to go."

"As far as you can go without losing yourself." 

"How do you know you're not losing yourself?" I asked in response, looking at him as his expression turned just a little bit darker. For a person so private, his face said too much.

"You never really do," Harry whispered. "I guess, you have to go with your gut."

My gut. My gut was untrusting and anxious, ready to flee at any second. It had done it before, now it was just waiting for a new opportunity to do it again, really.

"I'll do it." The words came out of my words even before I had processed. So easy, it almost hid the fact that I was an anxious-ridden mess on the inside. "If...If you want to."

I couldn't tell if he actually liked my answer. All of the sudden he got serious as if he had just realized what he was getting himself into, and he sighed, standing up from his chair to perch himself on Diana's desk in front of me. He was towering over me, which made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. When he noticed, he sat up straight, giving me some space to breathe better. 

"We'll do it then," He whispered. There was a tiny hint of disappointment, that grew from my chest and spread to my stomach at the tone of his voice as if this was an irritating chore.

"You don't have to do it. You don't know me after all."

"I guess I'll have time to do that." He softened a little, looking at me with a small smile as I leaned back on my chair and crossed my arms around my chest in a protective way. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Sam. 

"I don't. Do you?"

"A boyfriend, no," He mocked, smirking as my eyes blew wide in embarrassment. 

"I didn't...uh, I wasn't...I didn't mean a boyfriend. I was, I was asking for a girlfriend, but if you do have a boyfriend, I mean..."

"I don't have a girlfriend either." He finally put an end to my misery. "It makes things easier."

I didn't know what he meant and I decided against asking him about it. Instead, I chose to focus on the fact that he was single, which definitely gave me something to dream about. Even if I knew nothing was going to happen. Even if I knew this whole thing was nothing but an inconvenience for him. 

That didn't stop the fluttering in my stomach. Probably nothing would.

I was about to say something when the door opened, and Diana entered the room with Jeff. They were holding a bunch of papers each, which she set over her desk before throwing a triumphant smile at us. 

"I think this is all we need." She said. "Let's go through them before you take them to your team. Oh, and there's a party tonight, I want you both there. We need to set things in motion."

After that, there was nothing much to say, or do. Jeff and Diana took over the conversation, arranging little details that I couldn't even begin to imagine. It was all a blur, of contracts and NDAs and rules that I was supposed to follow, but couldn't even remember. By the time they left, my head was spinning and I had to close my eyes tightly to stop myself from getting dizzy. 

Diana had about a billion things more to discuss with me, ranging from the interview with James Corden, to new scripts, to the outfits I should wear to drop Cat at school, AKA something that didn't make me look like a crazy person walking through the streets of L.A. But there was too much in my head already, excitement, fear, numbling anxiety, and I could barely keep up with her, as she continued to check things from her to-do list. It was already 19:30 when was finally done, and I had about 1 hour to get ready for the party Diana wanted me to go. 

I was so tired. I just wanted to go home.

"Ok, you can go now."

"Thanks. Di, can I just...take a raincheck on that party?"

"No, you can't. Harry's coming to get you at 9:15."

"But, D..."

"Have fun, sweets." She didn't let me finish. "He's sooooo hot, try and behave."

He was, that was exactly the problem. 

***

What Diana had forgotten to tell me was that Harry was not going to pick me up himself. Rather, his driver showed up to my front door, waiting patiently for me for about 20 more minutes until I was ready.

I was surprised when we got to the venue, as there were not as many paparazzi as I had thought there would be. Actually, there was none. There was only a couple of people by the door, and they all looked at me with surprised expressions as I walked by them, followed by Harry's driver.

It was never a good idea for me to go out. I got hugged and pulled and stared at. But here, everyone was calm, probably used to hanging out with people a lot more famous than me. I sucked in a deep breath, smiling at the people that waved at me and sometimes stopping to greet the people that I actually knew. As a result, it took me around 15 minutes to get to Harry's group. 

He was leaning against the wall, holding a glass in his hand while he listened attentively to the girl that was standing in front of him. She was gorgeous, with her long hair layered in loose curls, and a red tight dress fitted like a glove to her absolutely drool-worthy body. She leaned over as if to tell him a secret, and he cocked his head to the side to allow her to do so. I could hear her flirty giggles, and I stopped where I was, suddenly realizing that I did not belong there. 

What was I doing? This wasn't me. 

I turned around before anyone could see me, and started my way back to the door. If I called an uber, I would be at home in around 30 minutes, and maybe Sam would go and watch movies with me. He could even bring his girlfriend! I was used to it. 

I stood by the bar, leaning on it as I pulled out my phone from my clutch. I was glad I hadn't wasted a whole lot of time in my outfit, and that I had decided to wear a pair of black jeans and a t-shirt tucked in, with red heels and a black blazer, that way I didn't feel so disappointed, or embarrassed for the thousands of situations I had pictured in my head. 

"Would you like something to drink?" I heard someone shout at me, which made me turn around to smile to the bartender. 

"N...A shot of tequila, please." I found myself saying, to the bartender's pleasure. He winked at me and nodded solemnly as if mine was a great choice of alcohol. 

"Coming right up!"

And he was right, as about a second later there was a short glass in front of me, dripping from tequila. He offered me salt and a wedge of lime, and I gladly took them before gulping down the shot. The dry liquor burned my throat on its way down, and I winced at the taste, slamming the glass on the table for him to refill. 

But before I could grab the new shot he was offering me, someone else took it. I whirled around, ready to tell someone off, but instead, saw Harry as he tipped the glass and chugged it down, wincing as soon as he had finished. The salt and the lime the bartender had offered me were left unattended on the bar. 

"Hey, that was mine!!"

"Sorry," He said. The bar was a little quieter than the rest of the bar, so I noticed that his voice was a little hoarser than I remembered it from the morning.  "Saw you drinking one on my way here. What are you doing here?"

I could feel we were being watched closely by about a hundred people. I could feel their eyes, burning hole on my back as Harry leaned closer to me. He smelled of alcohol and a little bit of mint, and I struggled to stay still where I was, starting to recognize the signs of the strange feeling that had taken over me in the morning. 

"I was about to leave," I told him. "But was offered alcohol, so I ummm...got distracted for a bit."

"Why were you leaving?" Harry was pulling out his wallet, and before I could do anything about it, he handed the barman his credit card, signaling for two more shots to come. 

"I, uh, I saw you back there, with the cute girl! I don't want to impose, Harry, and you're definitely gonna score with her, so I just...I can't mess with that!"

"I'm gonna score?" He seemed amused by my affirmation, but I still nodded vigorously, taking the new shot I was being offered and downing it. It burned a little more and made my head a little more fuzzy than it was after the first one.  

"You totally are, and she's hot," I said, with my tongue feeling a little heavy as I talked. 

Harry smirked like he knew I was right, and the girl was probably a goddess put on earth so we could all feel a little ashamed of ourselves. Kind of a reality check in the body of a breathtaking model. 

He took his shot and drank it in one gulp, just like I had done seconds before. He winced, scrunching up his nose and smiling like a little kid as he slammed the glass down. 

"Fuck, you couldn't choose another drink?"

"I like tequila," I shrugged, leaning to him to bump my shoulder against his. I stayed there, close to him as I smelled his faint cologne and the bitter alcohol in his breath. "Listen, I'm gonna go. You go get the girl, and we try this another day, yeah?"

"What if I don't want to?"

"Of course you do! That girl was hot as fuck, and it's not like I'm gonna give it to you..." I stopped, growing hotter in embarrassment as I looked at him amused face. "I should shut up."

His hands were warm and soft and they made my skin tingle as one of them slid carefully to the back of my neck. I stopped breathing, only able to look at him as he pulled me closer to his chest until his breath was fanning over my skin and I could almost taste the bittersweetness of his lips. I took a deep breath, noticing the little smile that played on his lips before he pressed our lips together. 

The kiss wasn't soft, nor was it rough either. It was uncertain and eager as if we wanted to learn as much about each other as we possibly could. His fingers curled around my neck, as he brought me closer to him, and one of my hands tangled in the soft hairs that rested on the nape of his neck. He tasted like peppermint and tequila, and a sweetness I could not describe. My lips parted slightly, and I sighed into the kiss as he took command of it. Our lips were made for each other, of that I was sure, and I allowed myself to mold to him, while time around us stopped and rushed by at the same time. I leaned to him when he broke the kiss apart, looking for the warmth of his body even though he was right next by my side. 

"There's a lot of cameras pointing at us." He whispered while his fingertips brushed down my neck, keeping me still close to him. 

"Oh". 

He smiled, dissipating the heaviness that had set in my tummy at his words. "And I really wanted to kiss you since this morning. You should stay.""

"Ask me really nicely, I'll think about it," I whispered, almost against his lips, already dreaming about the taste of them. 

He was definitely trouble. 

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Apples & Cinnamon (3) - The Excuses | Carlton Drake x Reader

Words: 2,290

Warning: Carlton messing up again and reader forgiving him ‘cause she has the Eliza Schuyler level of kindness, some angst, mentions of anxiety (but there’s self care)

A/N: Trying to get back into writing this series again and hopefully it shows in the tags this time. I feel like the next chapter will be the last for the Venom prequels and I’m debating if I should go straight to post-Venom. I have a few ideas on bringing Carlton back for that one, drawing from some events in the Spiderman comics. Thank you guys for reading my fics and waiting patiently for the next one!

-

With the launch of the exploration space ship, Carlton tried to spend more time with you. He made an effort to learn new recipes to cook for you, he’d do the chores around the apartment, so you’d come home and relax to a clean living space, and he’d even drove you around town to help with errands and take you to work. To say you weren’t enjoying this would be a lie, but at the same time, it made you anxious.

One day, Anne invited you for lunch, wanting to catch up and discuss the wedding plans. The date is undecided, but it didn’t hurt to bounce ideas around. Anne and Eddie were a simple couple, so nothing extravagant. Anne joked about dressing casually for the wedding and that Eddie would gladly wear his biker jacket if he could.

Anne sipped her water and eyed you. “So, what about you?” she asked. You tilted your head, picking on the bread crusts of your sandwich with a fork. “What about me?” you countered. “I mean, you and Carlton have been together for a long time. No wedding bells on your end? Eddie mentioned that you’ve been arguing,” she said with concern. You shook his head. “What a typical reporter, warping the truth,” you said, “but, no. We weren’t really arguing… just that he’s been busy and all. He’s trying to make up for it, though.” As if on cue, your phone dinged, a message from Carlton popped up asking where you were. You reminded him that a friend had wanted to take you out for lunch. Within seconds, he asked which friend it was and if he knew them. You grimaced, telling him it was a girl from college that you haven’t seen in a while and wanted to catch up. It wasn’t a complete lie. You knew Eddie from college and you’ve met Anne through association. You didn’t want to be specific on who it was, not wanting to affect Anne’s work life, knowing the chances of her firm working with Life Foundation. “Something wrong?” Anne asked, her head tilting, letting her short blonde hair cascade over her shoulders. You shrugged it off. “It’s nothing. He just wants to know where I am.” Another message popped up asking where the small diner was. You gave him the name of the diner and told him that you were almost finished. He wanted to pick you up as soon as you were done. “You should talk to him if something’s bothering you,” Anne said, seeing your brows furrow as you texted your boyfriend. “It’s fine, Anne. Besides, I don’t want to bother him. He’s the CEO of Life Foundation. He’s got bigger things to worry about,” you said, almost trying to convince yourself. Anne reached over to grab your hand. “Well, if you want to talk, you know you can always call me, right?” “I know,” you said too quickly. Anne sighed. “And if even cares for you at all, sharing your thoughts and feelings shouldn’t bother him. If it does, Eddie and I will swoop down and save you.” You texted Carlton as you and Anne waited to pay for the meal. He immediately replied, saying he was on his way. After paying, you followed Anne out to the curb where she parked her black car. She offered to wait with you until Carlton arrived, but you dismissed her offer, insisting you’d be fine. Carlton always arrived on time. Until today, that is. You honestly didn’t know how long you’ve waited, but long enough for the chill of the incoming dawn to blow through the streets. You texted Carlton after the first ten, fifteen, half an hour, and even an hour of wait, only to be left as unread. Your heart began to race, an uneasy feeling vibrating through your body as your throat constricted and your eyes threatened to spill over. Maybe there was a last-minute emergency. Taking a few deep and slow breaths, you wrapped an arm around your stomach and waved a cab down. Luckily, one did stop for you, asking where you wanted to go as soon as you climbed in. You debated if you should go over to Life Foundation, but you were too drained, so you opted to going straight home. You tried to text Carlton, telling him that you already took a cab, but your vision blurred as soon as you started typing. You let out a frustrated huff, roughly wiping your damp cheeks, your eyes flickering over to the driver who had glanced at you for a second. At a stop light, he reached over to his glove compartment and produced a tissue box, handing it over to you. Letting out a meek “thank you”, you took it and pulled out two tissues to wipe your eyes and your running nose. He finally pulled up in front of your and Carlton’s shared apartment. You thanked him, giving him a generous tip before climbing out. Your crying episode had calmed down, being reduced to petty sniffling. You took a sharp intake of breath, pushing down your sadness and disappointment, trying not to get angry at the situation. Unlocking the front door, you were greeted by an empty apartment, as you expected. Maybe he was called in, you repeated to yourself.

You threw your bag onto the kitchen counter, toeing off your shoes and made a beeline to the bathroom where you ran a hot bath. You ignored the chaos in your mind as best as you could, running on autopilot. You tossed a bath bomb into the tub and laid out a fuzzy bathrobe and your favorite pajamas and underwear. Humming, you walked back to the kitchen, pulling out the small box of wine samplers that your coworker was giving out one day, selecting a white wine and a clean glass.

Then, you went back to the bedroom, digging for Carlton’s iPad and slipping it in an airtight ziploc bag and scrolling through netflix. When you found the TV show you wanted to binge watch, you peeled your clothes off as you made your way over to the bathroom, not minding the trail of clothes you left in your wake. You laid out the bamboo bathtub table that you made Carlton buy for you and set your items down before sinking into the warm eucalyptus and lavender scented water. Your phone buzzed from the bathroom counter, but you ignored it, focusing on the show as you sipped your white wine. Your stressful episode was long forgotten for the moment as you try to clear your mind of any intrusive thoughts while you enjoy yourself. Dora and Anne were right, you knew that, but giving him excuses was a bad habit that you’ve succumbed to. You were on the second season when you heard Carlton arriving, his keys jingling as you kicked his dress shoes off and place them on the metal shoe rack next to the door. You closed your eyes for a moment, breathing in the scent of the water to steel yourself as he walked through the bedroom looking for you. “(Y/n)?” he called out. You heard rustling of clothes in the bedroom before he opened the bathroom door wider. “(Y/n), I’m so sorry- “ You shushed him, not bothering to look up at him. He sighed, the sound of his bare feet padding over to you and landing on the furry rug next to the tub. You took another sip of your wine, swishing it around your mouth before swallowing. He grabbed the wine glass away from you, much to your dismay, and knelt next to you. “Work called me about some materials that they’ve scanned on the comet and they’re going to go ahead and retrieve them. I just got so excited that I went over to read over the reports and… isn’t that exciting?” Carlton said, leaning on the edge of the tub. “It sure is, Carlton,” you said flatly. You could see Carlton wincing when you said his full name. You paid no mind to it, lifting your chin up and continued, “But you couldn’t have just asked them to send the reports to you? If you’re going to insist on picking me up right away, I’d expect you to pick me up right away because you said you will. I was fine catching ride with my friend or taking a cab. I didn’t have to wait outside the diner and watch people pass by for almost two hours.”

He opened his mouth to defend himself, but you held a finger up. Now that you had alcohol buzzing through you and making you calm, you could confront him without holding back. You didn’t want to cry anymore and you didn’t want to get heated up and angry before you say things you don’t mean. “I know how much your work means to you. We’re both busy and we knew what we were getting into when we started this relationship. I don’t mind that you were called in, because I sometimes get called into work as well, but you should have let me know instead of letting me wait there for so long. When something happens at work, I always let you know.” You paused to take another sip of wine.

“Lately, you haven’t properly communicated with me. I don’t know what’s going at Life, so the least you could do is tell me whether you’re not able to make it in time to pick me up, or that you’re coming home late, or you’re staying at the lab overnight. It’s tiring having to go after you to hear you so nonchalant about this situation while I’m by myself worrying about everything and everyone. I’m just… I am really tired, Carlton.” “What are you saying, sweetie?” he asked shakily. He grabbed your hand and peppered kisses all around it as he tried to make you look at him. “I’m trying here. Everything’s going according to plan and I can’t stop now. I’m making a better future for the world, for us. I want you to be there, by my side, when it happens.” You tried to pull your hand away, but he refused to budge, holding it close to his chest. “I admit that I was in the wrong,” he said, “I should be telling you things more when all you do is support and understand me and that’s more than I could ask for from anyone. I promise, this will be the last time, okay? You wanted to go to Singapore, right? We could do that. The space crew isn’t going be back for a while and you have a lot of vacation days saved up. We can go as soon as you’re ready. I’ll plan out everything from the reservations, all those food places, everything.” You considered his apology and his offer, finally turning your head and  looked at his pleading eyes. You sighed, placing the iPad down on the table and leaned back. He silently waited as you drummed your fingers on the hard surface, then turned back to him. “You can’t keep doing this, Carlton,” you said firmly, “You can’t keep making promises then cover it up with good deeds and extravagant gifts every time you break them.” “Then what do you want me to do?” he snapped, making you pull your hand away. He dropped his head and exhaled. “I’m really trying, (y/n/n)! I thought you would have understood… you do, but… you just… I just…” You studied his face for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed his jaw clenching as his hand ran through his hair. Slowly, you lifted your hand to his cheek and made him look you in the eye. He tilted his head, leaning into your touch. “I just want you to be here. Like here, here. With me,” you said softly. He leaned forward, your foreheads touching. “Believe me, (Y/n/n), when I say that all I want is to share my life with you for as long as you’ll have me.”

The tension fell away as his words sunk in. He said it with so much certainty and you really wanted to believe him. The two of you hadn’t fought in a long time. You were glad that you were able to finally speak your mind and you hoped that the worst was over now that the both of you agreed on how to communicate. This was Carlton, the man that you bumped into at NYU and asked you out on the same day. The Carlton everyone sees seemed so put together, but he actually asks you for help to tie his tie. You hoped that you would help him separate your Carlton with Life’s Carlton, to leave work behind when he’s home with you.

“You’re making it really hard to stay mad at you,” you mumbled, bumping your nose with his.

“Good. And I will do anything to make it up to you.”

You hummed, stroking his cheek with your thumb.

You pushed the bamboo table away and stood up from the tub, using Carlton to balance as you climbed out. His eyes roamed your figure as you ringed your hair into the tub. You raised an eyebrow, pointing to the towel. He quickly fetched it and you stuck your arms out, allowing him to wrap it around you.

“So here’s what we’re going to do,” you said, tucking in the towel as his ears perked up, “You’re going to dry my hair while I finish up that rose wine and I’m going to make you watch any rom-com I want, got it?”

“Got it!”

You wrap your arms around his neck. “You’re lucky that I love you.”

“I know.”

-

A/N: Kind of realize that I’m making Carlton a darker version of Alexander Hamilton... the musical one. Let me know what you guys think. I also realize a lot of my reader inserts deal with mental health and I’ve done it unintentionally, but I hope I’ve portrayed it well. I’ve been dealing with GAD and depression myself, so some of it is from personal experience.

BTS LY 10/3 GA EXPERIENCE

I was in the GA for the October 3rd BTS Love Yourself Tour in Chicago at the United Center and I want to document my experience not only for myself, but because I want to help other people who are debating about possibly doing GA in the future. If you don’t want details, Skip to the very end…

Let me start by saying that if you ever get the chance to do it you seriously SHOULD. What I’m about to talk about sounds like a lot and there were dozens of moments I thought “what did we do?!?!?” but I have to say, the moment a member is 7 feet in front of you NOTHING ELSE MATTERS! Not recording. Not how much your feet hurt. Not the ARMY BOMB by you ear. NOTHING. It’s incredible. So now that I have that out of the way let me tell you about my experience.

I was 10000% lucky and I managed to get 5 GA tickets on May 5, the day they came out, within 10 minutes of the sale starting. My mom’s iPad saved my life where 5 laptops could not. I’d never bought tickets before so I was nervous as hell and was on my phone with my friend, http://dingdangdiggity.tumblr.com/, starting 2 hours before hand and I NEVER let the screens go dark. It was tense and the fact I got it never registered until a month later.

Oct 2, Britt and her sister, Val ( http://missvalerieann5.tumblr.com/ ) came up and spent the night since I’m not far from Chicago and they are. Oct 3, we were up at 4. I am not a Chicago driver and I wanted to beat traffic and I mean, GA line am I right??? So friend number 3, Jax https://average-jax.tumblr.com/ , comes over because she lives near me and we head up, stopping on the way to pick up our newest edition to the friendship, Megan https://warmyoon.tumblr.com/ and we are off.

Now parking was supposed to be weird. Rumor was lots opened at 10 and we were getting there at 7:30 so the day before I used Spothero to get a spot in a garage 15 mins from the UC. I had planned to move the car to a closer lot when it opened but chose instead to extend the time where it was from 6pm-12am for another $5 so in the end parking was a 15 min walk down the street for $20 instead of the $25-29 they were charging at the venue. Plus it was going around lot C would open at 8am and other would open at 5pm and like no I was not fucking around with that.

So we did end up in the merch line on accident before we realized GA was on the other side of the building. Even with wasting a half hour though, it wasn’t a hug issue since we saw people who passed us in merch were only like 2 people ahead of us when we got in GA. Now here’s the thing with GA. People camp out. In this case, they started camping Friday for Tuesday’s concert as well as Wednesday. Some of them did both concerts some just did one. Either way, people were annoyed. The venue said they would honor the unofficial line, since official started at 10 am on D-day, if everyone was organized. So they handed out unofficial bands with numbers until they could get the official ones. Let’s just say after waking up at 4am, I didn’t give a single shit where I was in line and it was like 8 am and I had to pee so fucking bad. So Jax, Britt and I walked the length of the line towards the building because rumor on Twitter was security was letting us use the bathrooms inside. Holy. Shit. The tension was insane. These people were so pissed like we got GLARED AT for walking towards the front. I got pissed back and started screaming “I don’t give a shit about your line, I have to fucking pee!” and “I stopped caring about you’re line when I woke up at 4, I have to piss!” I guess some crazy bitch tried yelling at us. Whatever. It was hell up there. People were yelling about not bothering with the numbers since it was’t official and others were all about those numbers. I was happy to be in the back. But yeah, we got to pee and return to the back with the horror stories about the crabby pre-campers.

Val had guessed being 804 which was funny cuz we got #799-803. Rule was be back in order at 4 pm, doors opened at 5:30 and concert at 8. So we had agreed to run straight to the LG experience thing. We wanted to do the thing where the screen shows your bias like they’re next to you so bad, but for Chicago it was a raffle. You either reached in and got the pink ball to do that, a yellow ball to record a message for BTS or a blue ball where you got NOTHING. Rumor is LA let everyone do the picture. So that pissed me off. Other than that, it was still cool to take pics with the cut outs. We checked out merch and saw the line wasn’t terrible so we tried it and yeah a lot was sold out, but it went by so quick compared to the Wings tour in Rosemont. The whole C lot was set up for merch, LG, dancing, and pictures so it felt like a convention and it was really nice.

My biggest advice apart from BRING MONEY is HAVE WATER and make sure you HAVE FOOD. Snacks. Sandwiches. Anything. We had chips and water bottles and decided to walk down 15 mins to the Mcdonalds, which sucked cuz it was 85 degrees and sunny, and when we came back we went right back to where we’d been that morning so it would be quicker to get organized…which was a cluster fuck. Everyone was tired. It was now 5 pm but listen, second biggest advice is DON’T BE A DICK! Seriously. Security wanted single file order and they delayed letting us in because people would rather bitch with the fans trying to help. Rule of thumb, if you’re number 1400, don’t bother standing where the 300s go. Security wanted us in order and they fucking MADE SURE we were so it was pointless to refuse to move to the back cuz you had to wait anyway. So when someone is trying to put 600s here and 700s here and 800s move back, don’t bitch about it. Just fucking do it.

Now this is what you really want to know. Number 800, how close was I. Pretty. Fucking. Close. So the stage has the main stage, a jut out in the middle and then another lengthy stage (you know what I mean). We were off to stage left, audience right at like………if you’re on the farthest jut out in the center, we were on your 9 0’clock. Now I am 5’4” so when they performed songs on the main stage, I couldn’t see shit without being on my tip toes or looking at my camera or the screen. So that did suck. I wish we’d been closer. We were about 5 rows back from the barricade and below will be pics to show you my views. But like…I was 5 feet from every single member at one point. They could see me. They are so fucking handsome. It made the entire experience worth it. Seriously. even with 1400+ people in the pit, it was fantastic. I probably won’t do it again for money, time and stress sake unless a ticket fell into my lap, but it was a wonder thing to do and I suggest it for sure.

Now that you’ve read it all here are my tips for any GA goers:

Get their early if you want first dibs but remember that you’ll still be closer to them than you have ever been before and that once it starts and they move around, you will be shifting constantly throughout the night.

Scout out the area before hand whether you go there and drive around or check it out on Google Maps. Know what kind of food and stores are around and how far of a walk it is.

BRING WATER!!!!! You will need it all day so you don’t faint. I took in an empty bottle and filled it in the bathroom before the show. Not all venues will let you but better to throw away an empty bottle later than to go in and realize you could have had it.

PORTABLE CHARGERS!!!!!!!! Make sure your phone has space and enough charge for the whole day and night without an outlet. We charged ours at MCDonalds. Mine got to 33% by the end and had storage issues so I couldn’t record the end. Everyone else’s died.

Bring FOOD! Anything will do as long as you snack. I don’t eat during events like this but I make myself just in case.

If it’s hot and sunny, bring a cheap umbrella to block the sun and catch any breeze. It was 85 F during the day.

If it’s cold, bring a cheap blanket. It was only 60 F when we got there.

HAVE FUN! Be comfy! Make friends. Ask about biases. Remember there are people there with legit tents. Bring whatever you want as long as you can either throw it away, keep hold of it, or have someone get it for you to take home.

The line goes up and around the corner all the way to the building

So yeah hard to see when they were back there

Joon was by us a lot

Hobi was by us the most

Jimin was apparently checking on a fan who was about to faint.

I didn’t get a lot of Tae, Jin, or Kook but Hobi and Joon were on our side a lot and Jimin and Yoongi bounced around. But yeah...that was my experience. 

Any questions? EDIT: Britt just did this to her’s and I forgot but I put blood, sweat and tears into this pictures so you BETTER CREDIT ME if you share them. 

Too Young: Chapter 4

*not my gif

Pairing: DeanXdaughter!reader, SamXniece!reader

Summary: Three months after telling her dad about the baby, Y/N gets to see her baby for the first time, but she has some doubts about her future.

Disclaimers: FLUFF

Word Count: 1,534

A/N: I really debated whether I should post today, or for the rest of the week in light of the shooting in Parkland, Florida. However, I know that ignoring the situation is just as bad as doing nothing about it. Today’s chapter is very light-hearted, cause I think we all need that every once in a while.

I decided to use this opportunity to share with my amazing readers how important it is to be doing all we can to help. In a world that’s so divided today, it’s easy to forget the people our attention should be on the most, including the victims and their families. Here’s the link to the GoFundMe page so you can donate to help out. And, if you can’t right now, that’s okay, just remember to be kinder than you think you should be to others, you don’t know what someone could be going through.

Even if right now may seem dark and hopeless, we will fight until things are changed. Until school shootings are no longer a common way of life, and until our government can finally step up to the plate to make sure something like this never happens again.

Please, if you need someone to talk to about this situation or anything else- my inbox is ALWAYS open.

Series Masterlist

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I sat in the backseat of the Impala, my hands wringing together nervously as anxiety crawled its way up my throat. I had my first ultrasound today- something we’d been putting off for four months, now. Our lives didn’t exactly come with vacation days, we had work to do.

However, Sam had been bugging me since I’d told him about the baby to go see a doctor to make sure everything was in top shape before any of us could fully rest easily. I knew I should've been excited, but something was tugging at my heart that I couldn’t exactly put my finger on. 

We’d talked about adoption. On multiple occasions, Sam or dad would bring it up, but ultimately in the end, they would say it was my decision. It was obvious what they thought I should do: give the kid up to a family who could raise it to be normal, but what would happen if something came for it? Its parents wouldn’t know what to do- I could never forgive myself if something happened.

All of these thoughts raced through my head as we drove to the clinic, the trees flying by in a blur as I battled internally with decisions that rested heavily on my shoulders. I was so inside my own head that I hadn’t even realized we parked until uncle Sam turned around in his seat, smiling brightly. It was all he could talk about since we booked the appointment- unable to hide his excitement of seeing his great niece or nephew.

“You ready, kiddo?” dad asked, eyeing me through the rearview mirror. He was always able to see right through me when I was acting this way. I nodded quickly, pushing the back door open. 

The waiting room was full of expectant mothers with their partners, some even had their other children with them, keeping them occupied with and iPad or books that were once stacked neatly on a brightly painted bookshelf but now lay disheveled in piles scattering the floor.

I made my way to the front desk, not making any eye contact with the other parents in fear that they’d judge how young I was. My feet feeling like cinder blocks. I quickly signed in, unsure if the cursive I’d written was even eligible before making my way back to sit between dad and uncle Sam on a long bench seat. 

“Hey,” dad said, watching me worriedly. I hadn’t realized I was bouncing my leg up and down constantly since I’d sat down. “You feel okay?”

“Hmm-mm.” I hummed as I continued to wring my hands, my anxiety through the roof. The sterile smell of the office doing nothing to ease the nauseous feeling building inside me.

“Everything’s fine, Ellie. It’s just an ultrasound,” Sam said, laying a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I nodded quickly, he was right. I shouldn’t be stressing over something like this. 

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We were in the waiting room for another half an hour before we were called back. The nurse weighed me, took my temperature, recorded my blood pressure and felt all around my bloated stomach. Her cold fingers digging into my abdomen. I then remembered why I hated the doctors so much- they were always poking and prodding without even giving it a second thought. 

“Okay, Y/N. Everything looks normal! The doctor will be in with you shortly,” she smiled as she wrote something down on a chart, and clicked the door closed behind her.

A series of machinery sat around my bed and dad couldn’t help himself but to touch almost every button and turn on every switch in attempts to make me laugh. He pulled a stethoscope off the wall and used it to listen to uncle Sam’s heartbeat, “Dean, will you knock it off?”

“Oh c’mon Sam, aren't you overdo for your ultrasound?” he rested his hand on Sam’s stomach, talking to it which only lead Sam to slap him on the back of the head

I shook my head, laughing despite knowing it would just egg him on, “dad, you’re going to break something.” He picked up the ultrasound gel, getting ready to aim it at Sam when the doctor knocked on the door, causing dad to panic and nearly spill half of it on his pants as he scrambled to put it away.

“Y/N Winchester?” the doctor smiled, holding out his hand to me, oblivious to my dad. “I’m Dr. Meyer, I’ll be doing your ultrasound today.” He pulled my chart from under his arm and scanned through it, running the end of a pen over the words, his eyebrows together in focus. “And you two must be Sam and Dean?”

“The one and only,” dad said smoothly, and the doctor laughed, sitting on a rolling chair next to the bed I was on. 

“How’s your pregnancy been going? Anything you’re concerned about?” Dr. Meyer asked, as I laid back on the crinkly paper as he felt around my stomach. 

“No, everything has been pretty smooth lately.” 

Dr. Meyer used two hands and pressed down on the sides of my stomach, “the baby is in a good position, not too low, not too high. Have you felt the baby kick yet?”

“That’s all the kid does,” I laughed, feeling slightly better about it all. 

Dr. Meyer smiled, “well it’s perfectly normal. So! What do you say we get this show on the road, huh?” he started hooking up the machine dad had been messing with and then dimmed the lights. A large screen next to my head lit up, and uncle Sam and dad moved their chairs to the other side of me. Dr. Meyer lifted my shirt off my abdomen, squeezing the blue gel onto my stomach and began moving a wand over my stomach, a black and white image popping up on the screen.

At first the pictures weren’t very clear, but once he was able to see the baby from the side, you could clearly tell what it was. “There’s the little rascal.” 

I felt the air leave my chest, being able to watch in real time as the baby moved inside of me. I watched as Dr. Meyer explained what everything I was seeing was, “here’s the foot...and the elbow, ten little fingers.”

I smiled despite myself, the baby was beautiful. I glanced over at my dad who watched the screen in astonishment, his eyes wide and his smile even wider.

That’s incredible,” uncle Sam muttered, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“I’m guessing this is your first,” Dr. Meyer smiled while he took measurements of the baby.

I nodded, “yeah. First one.”

“Lets do a quick check of the heartbeat,” he rambled when the rhythmic thump filled the room. 

“That’s-that’s the heartbeat?” I said in awe.

“Pretty cool huh?” Dr. Meyer smiled. “Well, everything looks great. Do you want to know the gender?”

I quickly shook my head, we wanted at least one element of mystery in our lives. Dr. Meyer gave one final nod before the screen went black and the lights came back on. 

“I’ll get some pictures printed for you,” he said before cleaning my stomach off with a towel and leaving us in the room alone.

Only about five minutes passed when Dr. Meyer came back with three sets of different ultrasound pictures for each of us. “Well Y/N, I expect to see you back here in a few months?”

“Of course,” I smiled, I couldn’t wait to come back and see the baby again.

While we were walking back to the car, I pretended not to notice dad and uncle Sam both looking through each ultrasound numerous times before tucking the pictures safely into their wallets.

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Later that night, I padded into the library where dad was cleaning the guns, expertly taking them apart and using extreme delicacy to clean between every crevice of the complicated insides.

“There’s my favorite girl,” he smiled as I sat down across from him, beginning to help with the cleaning. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know- I’m really glad I was able to go with you today. Haven’t been to an ultrasound since your mom was pregnant with you. It was always one of my favorite parts.”

I could see his face light up as he talked about it, his smile still lingering as we worked in silence.

“I wanted to talk about that, actually.” I said, my heart swelling with love as I thought about the future, but still unsure how he’d react. I knew where he stood, but I’d made a choice. “I want to keep the baby.”

Dad paused momentarily, breathing deeply as he put the disassembled gun down onto the table. “If this is what you want- if you think you’re up to it-”

“I am-”

“Then...then I am too.” he smiled, “it ain’t gonna be easy, but, I know you’ll be a great mom, Y/N. That kid is lucky to have you.”

I swallowed the tears that threatened to spill down my face as I nodded, setting the gun down and stood from my chair. “thank you, for everything.”

He smiled, slightly confused but nodded nonetheless. “Anything for you, honey.”

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Too Young Tag List

@just-a-rad-nerd | @melky5sos | @gizmospacerocket

Get To Know You Tag

Tagged by: the lovely @mariaslozak

Rules: tag 10 people you want to get to know better

Name: Melissa

Sign(s): Gemini

Height: 5’8”

Background for your desktop/phone: Clive Owen on pc, Bei Badgirl ‘Paradise Special’ art show sign on iPad, my cat Milkshakes on mobile

Who was your last kiss: My first kiss in (around) 1996 was my last kiss, lol! I was about 11 years old.

Have you ever been stood up: Once, in high school. I needed a date for my formal and my sister’s friend set me up with someone and he couldn’t get to the first get-to-know-you “date”.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? Does Bris Vegas count? Actually I think I’ve only ever passed through Brisbane…

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Kind of? I don’t know if they’d qualify as full blown crushes, but I really liked my 65+ year old Genocide and Ethnic Cleansing in Modern Europe lecturer and possibly also my Modern Europe lecturer, who was (slightly) more age appropriate but it wasn’t as intense.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I don’t know, hopefully not where I am right now!

Coolest Halloween costume: We don’t do Halloween here, but I think my Cruella Deville I once did for my sister’s housewarming party was pretty good (I’d post some pics, but I’m on mobile rn)

Favorite 90′s show: I’m going to be very basic and say The Simpson’s (hey, it wasn’t a pop culture phenomenon for nothing!), but also the Power Rangers. We were obsessed with them as kids.

Favorite pair of shoes: casual, pointy toe ballet flats in a neutral shade. My last pair wore out and I’m currently without :(

Favorite fruit: bananas, apricots and green grapes

Favorite books:

The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons (first read it in high school around 2001. Epic, EPIC love story set in the Soviet Union during World War Two. I’ve lost count how many times over the years I’ve read and reread the Lazarevo section.)

Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier (current absolute fave. I identify with the second Mrs De Winter on a very close and personal level, it’s almost insulting (considering what happens in the book). Every time I’m in a second hand book store I check to see if they’ve got a copy and at last count I owned 14 different editions of it. Oops.)

Unsticky by Sarra Manning (the rich asshole hero trope in romance novels is not one I like very much, but it’s just so common I still like quite a few of them by default (even Rebecca is one, if you count it as a romance novel (which is very debatable and I have thoughts on this, but now is not the time)) but this is the only one I like on it’s own terms AS a rich asshole hero romance novel. I love Grace and I love Vaughn and I want need a rewrite from Vaughn’s POV and a sequel (although I hate The Bronze Horseman and Rebecca sequels (not written by Du Maurier, but approved of by her estate), so maybe I should just count myself lucky?))

Stupidest thing you’ve ever done: I once tried to break up a guinea pig fight with my bare hands, and when I lifted my hands up again one of those guinea pigs was latched onto my wrist with his teeth. The scar is still pretty prominent even though it’s probably over 20 years old by now.

Tagging: I’m terrible at picking so I’m just going to tag all my mutuals who are still active on here and they can decide whether they want to play along or not (no pressure!) Also, even if I haven’t tagged you and you want to play along, just consider yourself tagged 😊

@judyjetsons @bespectacled-phoenix @sisterfriedes @class-struggle-anarchism @friends-with-stars @w1tchmom @girlpoweranthem @alyesque @spacegirll2005 @aluacrescente @sweetfrosti @pseudo-euphoria @dandelionapril @voxsecundus

The Facebook Dilemma

... not just for the transitioning teacher, but for all of us...

...like most well intentioned possibilities on the internet, it can take a wrong turn.

In 2009, I was 43 and was intrigued by this new “product...service” you could find online called Facebook. There was a lot of buzz about it among friends I knew and my interest was piqued. For a Gen X’er, I had stayed more than just current on computer and internet advancements as I had written a curriculum and taught a course on “How to do Academic Research using the Internet.” A couple of college campuses had approached our school with a dilemma: many high graduates weren’t able to transfer what they knew about hard copy, old school, going through the stacks research to using online resources. I’d taught the class since 2003 and had already been exposed to the burgeoning world of “social media” from my students. Six Degrees, Are You (Hot of Not), Friendster, Xanga, MySpace and several others and all to a 40 something... they seemed too cheesy, too much for the teens and not comfortable for my generation. Then in 2009, I came across this new site called Facebook, silly me... it had loaded its platform and had been online since 2004. It seemed a bit more toned down than the others and I’d discovered that some of my high school classmates were already using it. “What the hell,” let’s give it a shot and I set up my Facebook account ... it seemed harmless.

At first, FB was a blast, I reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in years, the groups on music and Art were addictive, there were fun games to play... it was an honest online, social media blast and it was user friendly, checking it became part of the daily routine. Like the ancient adage goes, “nothing good can last forever.” Soon, politics, biased news, divisive debate, spying, cheeky algorithms turned what had been a fun pastime into another area for the uniquely American “culture wars.” The same reconnected friendships became casualties on the battlefield, “gotcha” videos were everywhere, Fact-checking was a needed weapon... and it just wasn’t fun. Wishing Happy Birthday or sending sympathy for losses became a cold, mechanical process void of genuine feeling. A friend of ours had said while we were all having dinner that our generation was going to be the experiment subject for this. Generation X was the last one that grew up without wide spread computer usage or without the internet, but had adapted to it much, much better than Boomers. Millennials got exposed to internet and cell phones at the beginning of their teen years and the new guys, “Gen Z” are born with an IP address and a cellular plan. To all too many people I know, social media is more designed to develop angina than friendships.

Social media and a retiring “teacher in transition,” how does it fit during the daily routine of retirement? Well, like most things it’s as varied as the individual in question. My friend who astutely remarked that we were the experiment subjects of this trend had no doubt arrived at a conclusion for those of us who grew up tech free but quickly adopted for work and leisure... I know I have. Using Occam’s Razor in scientific evaluation, I’ve come to the conclusion that life, in general, was better without the pervasive use of technology in our lives. Life lacks a genuine quality and sense of independence during this age of internet everything. I’d rather call a person and wish them happy birthday that use an app; I’d rather spend my time just thinking to myself than have my thinking provided to me via algorithms, I’d rather be more self reliant than have to rely on Siri or Alexa telling when to turn left. C’est la vie... it is what it is, but I am able to put all of this to work for me in specialized ways since I’ve retired. Being able to easily share and post my writing allows me access to an audience that wouldn’t have existed before. These media platforms also grant me a web venue to share and market my Art to a vast online audience which would have been impossible to achieve in previous eras. The internet age also provides a magnificent way to satisfy my travel urges between trips, by being able to virtually visits cities and countries I long to visit and revisit in the interim. We human beings tend to jump into trends whole hog and then after the fact revisit the wise advice of “everything in moderation.” True, true, truer words were ne’er spoken. All this being said, O’ wise teacher in transition, how doth we interact with yon social media upon retirement?

As stated early in this column, this would be the ramblings of a mid fifty retiree finding his way through the challenges of adapting to a new way of living. Some of my “pearls of wisdom” some might find helpful; others, not so much. These observations are mine and not mandatory. I do hope some might find these helpful. Sigh... in regards to Facebook or internet usage in general for the newly retired, I’d suggest limiting it to the smallest degree possible. I envision legions of readers hearing my declaration standing up and crying, “huzzah, huzzah, huzzah” followed by cellphones and iPads being cast in to raging flames followed by the chanting of my name! Ahh, the blessings of a vivid imagination. I suggest this for several reasons, mind you I didn’t suggest total withdrawal, but a moderate to strong decrease in usage. One of the criticisms of Gen Z is their sedentary lifestyle while focusing on texting, gaming, trolling etc etc .... in other words, these young people spend so much time on line they are getting overweight instead of getting out and active IRL ( hipster, techie acronym for In Real Life). If it not a good idea for kids from the ages of 10-25 to sit on their asses all day, it certainly isn’t a good idea for those of us experiencing a mature quality of life (you like that huh? sounds a whole lot better than saying “getting old”). While being online... time can get lost ... and a day waisted and a waistline enlarged. Might I suggest limiting yourself to a few specific times where you check your email, peruse social media, play games ... what have you. I’ve remarked often that a structured day during retirement is a great way to chase your dreams and goals. That doesn’t usually happen sitting on a padded desk chair all day staring at a screen.

I strongly advise that you carefully research the most reliable news organizations based on accuracy and lack of bias and review them periodically during the day. The 24 hour news cycle, breaking reports, obscene bias in news reporting has become a scourge to all areas of society for the last twenty years. It has divided our nation to an unhealthy point amongst all demographics in our country. Inappropriate visuals, doctored photos, deep fake videos and out right deception can really shake up a peaceful mindset. I’m not suggesting abandoning online news at all, but be more discriminating of the sources that don’t sensationalize stories. You’re at a point in life to relax and enjoy peace of mind... make sure you do. Fill your time with what’s in front of you IRL .... not on a screen. Whether we are fifteen to 50 to 80, our time in this world is limited, don’t obsess over things you can’t control; “joie de vie” “la dolce vita” not doom and gloom.

In my mind, try to limit your online time to interests and hobbies that are personally yours. Give your time online a purpose: are you learning the guitar?...then pick some sites that develop that interest. While on Facebook limit your group memberships to interests that enrich you as a person with diverse pursuits. Goof off time is essential to having a peaceful retirement.... but to maintain an active lifestyle, make certain that most of your time has a purpose. No ... not like “working” but determined by the passions of your heart. While there are many ill advised sites on the internet, it was originally intended to enrich us and extend our knowledge. Do it!

“If there is nothing good about Facebook or social media, why do you still use it ...huh?” I’m not implying that it is totally without merit. AsI hoped I tried to state, moderation, the most un American of words is essential to anything we do. I’ll draw this examination to a close by sharing what I think is the most valuable aspect that I derive from Facebook: photographs and the memories option. The daily memories page offered is something I look forward to every morning. It’s is a personal journey through what was on my mind and of interest to me over the years. It takes me back to a moment in time to what I was thinking, feeling and gives me a chance to see how my life has changed over the years. You are afforded the opportunity to see if you’ve grown as a person and what events had enough of an impact for you to post it. It can make joys and sorrows live again momentarily and appreciate the life you have lived. Just remember... living online is not really living. Use these amazing advancements to enhance your life .... not be the direction of it. Just some random thoughts from a teacher in transition.

http://labibliotecacoffee.com/

Facebook Photo; https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/7761-facebook-business-guide.html; 2021

Episode 6: My Resolutions

12/31/2020

Resolution.

It’s an interesting word. It denotes both “end” and “beginning”. On this, the last day of the year, I’m sitting in my parents’ living room, glass of iced tea close by, MacBook open in my lap, reflecting on 2020. But…I think we all have done enough reflecting of this dumpster fire of a year, so I’m just gonna skip that part. Let’s look ahead to 2021.

Seriously, though, as I’ve said in previous posts, 2020 was a year of monumental personal change for me. So, with that in mind, here’s my resolutions for 2021:

1.     I want to be a better Christian. There’s a lot packed into this resolution, but, basically, I want to have a better relationship with God. For the last few months I’ve been using work as an excuse for not having enough time each day to do personal devotions and prayer. And while I have been super busy with two full time jobs, I have had a few minutes here and there where I could have spent some time reading in the Bible app on my phone. I surfed social media instead. I also have had some time at the end of the day before bed when I could have done a devotional and some praying, but, again, I either surfed social media or watched a half hour of something on Hulu or Netflix.

So, for 2021, I am resolving to read my Bible more, pray more, and build up my relationship with my Lord and Savior. A month ago, on black Friday, I purchased a couple different study Bibles that were on sale for the app on my phone and iPad. One of them is a men’s study Bible that is designed and set up as a one year, daily devotional Bible. Each night, before bed, I will use that half hour to read and pray.

2.    In that same vein, I am resolving to join a church in 2021. I’ve been doing a little research of local churches online, and I found a Lutheran church here in Vegas that appears to be gay friendly while, at the same time, doctrinally sound. By that I mean that it appears to be close to the same doctrinal beliefs as the Baptist church that I grew up in. My religious beliefs/convictions are very much Baptist, with the exception of their view on homosexuality. However, I don’t want that to be the only criteria for my selection of a church, obviously. And this will be predicated on whether or not life as we know it goes completely back to normal this coming year. That means no statewide lockdowns and no mask and social distancing mandates. Soooooo…yeah, this might be one resolution that doesn’t get fulfilled until much later in the year, or maybe even in 2022. Ugh! (But still keeping my fingers crossed.)

Also, my secret hope is that by completing this resolution, I will also be well on the way to completing Resolution #5.

3.    I resolve to explore further the issue of homosexuality and Christianity. Due to my hectic work schedule I haven’t been able to devote anywhere near the time necessary to the study and research that this issue requires. But, in 2021, I will be devoting more time to this project. I’m thinking that the more time I devote to Resolution #1, I will also be making progress on this resolution. Stay tuned for updates on here…

4.    As part of Resolution #1, I am resolving to be more compassionate and understanding with everyone around me and those I meet in my daily life. For the last week or so, as I’ve been up in Idaho on vacation, I’ve had more time to think and reflect on this past year. Looking back through my posts on social media, especially on Facebook, I realized that I have been VERY judgmental of people – both on my friends list as well as the various politicians and leaders who have been involved in the many social and political issues that have plagued our nation in 2020. I allowed myself to get caught up in the political storm, and I did more than my fair share of yelling, screaming, and smug finger-pointing that I have often despised in others over the last few years.

One of my favorite albums by Amy Grant is her 1988 Lead Me On. If memory serves, I first bought that CD around 1990 or 91, and, as with everything else in her library since 1985’s Unguarded, I had the entire Lead Me On LP memorized by the end of junior high. Later, as an adult, when I burned or downloaded all her albums in iTunes, I would “dust off” those songs every once in awhile over the last couple decades, revisiting old, familiar lyrics and memories while commuting to work or at the gym. One of the songs on Lead Me On is called What About The Love. The narrator spends most of that track pointing a finger at others and judging them for not showing the love, compassion or mercy of Christ. Then, in the last verse, the narrator looks in the mirror and realizes that he/she has been guilty of the very sin that he/she has been judging others for committing.

That’s how I’ve been feeling for the last couple weeks. I have stood on my pedestal, looking down upon the world, judging and smugly condemning everyone around me on social media for being ignorant, or uninformed, or just downright stupid simply because they believed differently than I on this or that issue. I have shaken my fist at the sky, ranting and raving about COVID-19, the national election, BLM, and many of the other social and political issues that tossed and turned our nation inside out these last 9 months.

For 2021, I resolve to be less judgmental, less angry, and more compassionate and understanding. That doesn’t mean I’m going to no longer stand up for my beliefs or convictions, and I will continue to speak my mind, but I will not do as much angry yelling as I’ve done in 2020. One of the major changes for me, personally, in 2020 was that I woke up from my 20-year complacency. Before this year, I never cared much about who was sitting in the White House, or what laws congress passed. But now, I care very much about those things, and I believe it’s important now, more than ever, for ALL American citizens to care as well. For this coming year – and from now on – I promise to be less confrontational and judgmental in my social media posts. Instead, I’m going to be more professional, calmer and understanding while stating my opinion. I’m also going to pause and ask myself the following before posting something: is this just to poke the hornet’s nest, or do I honestly have something to say and/or contribute to this or that debate?

Along those same lines, I resolve to be more sympathetic and understanding with the people I meet in my daily life. One of my biggest weaknesses is my impatience and judgment of others, especially my customers. Nothing infuriates or exasperates me more than trying to help an elderly man/woman who has no idea how to go about accessing their bank statement online. Or when people ask what I consider to be dumb or redundant questions. Or people who insist on splitting up what should be a simple, 2-minute transaction into a 10-minute, 5-part transaction. Or people who –

You get the idea. For 2021, I resolve to stop silently cursing and judging those people. Instead, I will take a deep breath, smile, and be more sympathetic and understanding. I have always had to remind myself that not everyone is as adept as me at current technology, or maybe they don’t know as much about the products they’re purchasing as I do. I’ve been selling money for 8 ½ years now. I’ve used the same script for explaining a payday loan every day, multiple times a day, for 8 ½ years. I sometimes forget that new customers are not as versed as I am, and I need to be more patient and understanding with them.

I also need to be more kind and patient with my co-workers for the same reason, especially the new people. Another of my weaknesses has been my impatience with those to whom I’m tasked to teach new things. (This is the main reason I had to quit my job as a computer assistant at an elementary school in 2012. I made too many young children cry. Literally. I’m not kidding.) For 2021, I resolve to be more patient and understanding with my co-workers. I will keep my frustration and exasperation to myself. Instead, I will pause, take a breath, and try to see the situation from their point of view. There’s a meme I’ve seen a lot on Facebook recently that says something to the effect of, “Treat everyone you meet today with kindness and love. Everyone is going through something in their life, and you don’t know what it is. So be nice.” I promise to take that advice to heart every day from now on.

5.    I want to find a man. And not just any man. I have a specific set of criteria, both physical and characteristic, that I want in my future husband. To me, dating is no different than applying for a job. I have a position that I’m seeking to fill, and all prospective applicants need to meet a certain set of standards and qualifications. (And let’s be honest: is there really much of a difference between dates and job interviews? Other than the fact that some dates might end with sex?)

But, seriously, folks, I want someone to love. I’m honestly not sure why this has become such a hunger for me these last few months, but I’ve been longing for some time now to share my life with someone special. The funny thing is, I’ve never cared about this before. I was perfectly happy just doing my own thing, but, lately, I’ve had a very strong yearning for all that clichéd relationship crap, or, as I saw in a social media meme awhile back, “…that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

I could write a whole blog post about this (and maybe I will at some point), but I think I’ve officially discovered the 10th circle of hell: online dating. I’m sure Dante wrote a whole ‘nother book about it, but his publisher at the time thought it too frightening for the 13th century common man, so it was left out of The Divine Comedy. I’m honestly not sure that anyone in real life has ever found their soul mate – or even a normal, well-adjusted person – on eHarmony, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, or Match.com. I’ve even resorted to using Facebook’s dating section, which I didn’t know about until a month ago when a co-worker mentioned it. So far, no luck. The main problem I have with most of the major dating apps out there is that you have to plunk down anywhere from $30 - $150 just to be able to respond to ads and/or private messages. I gave Tinder, POF, and Match.com a single month’s subscription trial, but I didn’t meet anyone worth more than a few words in DM, let alone anyone who came close to meeting even the basic of my standards and criteria.

I’m scared that my only chance for “true love” is to meet someone in real life, and that’s not good. I work for a payday loan company and Walmart. I can tell you with absolute assuredness that those meet-cutes in every stupid Hollywood rom-com NEVER happen in real life. Never! Ever! Never ever! And I dare any of you to challenge me on this. The customers and co-workers that I interact with every day are not eligible soul mates, and since I have never been anything close to a social butterfly (even before 2020 when anything social and extra-curricular was shut down), my chances of meeting that special guy face to face are pretty slim.

But, as part of Resolution #1, I’ve decided to put this resolution in the hands of God. If it is His will that I meet that special guy, He’ll find a way to bring him across my path. I just hope that I’ll be ready. In the meantime, I have decided to be patient and just live my life as normal. If the absolute craziness of 2020 has taught me anything, it’s patience. Life is unpredictable, and you never know what each day might bring.

So there they are: my New Year’s resolutions. I can tell you right now that I will fail at some point throughout the year with each one of these (except maybe #2). But the point of resolutions is to commit to the struggle, even – and especially – when we fail. I’ll keep you posted on here on my progress, and I hope this encourages all of you to commit to your own resolutions.

After all, a struggle – like fine wine – is best shared with friends.

Bodybyboyle Online Strength And Conditioning Service

New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/bodybyboyle-online-strength-and-conditioning-service/

Bodybyboyle Online Strength And Conditioning Service

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    If you are at all interested in fitness or strength and conditioning, you know who Mike Boyle is. For three decades Strength Coach Mike Boyle has been at the forefront of the profession, working with a wide range of athletes and clients. From middle school, to the pros, to busy adults who want to be in the best shape of their lives, Mike has delivered results over the years that have made him one of the top presenters at seminars around the world, the author of several published books and DVDs that have shaped the industry, and owner of the Number 1 Gym in America by Men’s Health Magazine

The fitness world changes continuously so you need to always be learning the latest strategies and techniques to produce the best results. Now you can have access to everything that has made Mike Boyle so successful, on demand, right in front of you. And by everything, we mean EVERYTHING. From the programs we use at Mike Boyle Strength and Conditioning for our high school and college athletes, to the programs we use for our NFL combine athletes, to the most challenging and complete and effective fat loss programs ever released to the public. 

First and foremost, BodyByBoyle Online is where the latest content from Mike Boyle is Posted. And you get to be like one of the Mike Boyle Strength and Conditioning staff members, getting the same education as they do. From the months of September through June, each week you will sit in on the MBSC Staff Meeting and listen to discussions on program design, injury prevention, rehab, business, reviews of seminars and presentations, and debates that help create the most complete and effective strength and conditioning programs in the industry. 

The MBSC Staff Meeting Videos Include:

In Depth Program Design Discussion (see how and why the staff designs the programs for our athletes)

Hands On Discussions on Olympic Lifting, Mobility, Active Warm Ups, Rehab Exercises, and more!

Reviews and discussions of guest speaker’s talks, seminars, DVDs, Books, and more!

Listen in on the Wide Range of Athlete and Client Issues and How to fix them

And so much more! It is a like having a new Seminar every single week September through June!

BodyByBoyle Online is also an On-Demand library of Mike Boyle’s content. From DVDs, to Classic VHS Tapes we have converted to Digital, to Staff In Services, to talks that he gives to the Mentorship groups, and other seminars that can not be seen anywhere else. 

Here are just a few examples of the content:

Many of Mike’s Seminar Talks and Hands Ons

Start With Why Seminar

Speed Training In Services

Training the Overhead Athlete

90 Minute In Depth Walkthrough of the FMS and How to Make Use of it’s Data

Training the Obese Client Seminar

Joint by Joint Training Seminar

Core Training DVD

ACL Injury Prevention

Hips and Sports Hernias

The 2011 MBSC Winter Seminar Talk on The Case for Single Leg Training

Teaching the Olympic Lifts

Success Secrets Seminar

Mass Premiere Soccer Open House Presentation (Strength and Conditioning on the Field)

Training the Baby Boomer

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Over the last year BodyByBoyle Online has turned into the #1 Resource for Strength and Conditioning, Rehab, and Injury Prevention Education Content in the world.

Just take a look at some of the recent talks we have in our database:

Frank Nash Social Media Seminar

2018 MBSC Winter Semianr

Tim Difrancesco (LA Lakers) Journey In Service

Jason Glass Load Xplode In Service

Fergus Connolly Future of Team Sports Performance Training

Ken Clark Latest on Speed Research and Application

Charlie Weingroff Spring 2019 Q&A In Service

Dan McGinley Coaching Behavior Change Seminar

Kevin Carr Full Spectrum Rehab Seminar

Pat Van Galen “The Aging Thing” Seminar

Mike Boyle on Conditioning (Spring 2019)

Ali Gilbert – The Other 23 Hours Seminar

Tony Holler Speed Training

Pat Davidson Programming In Service

FMS and Screening with Lee Burton

Anna Hartman on the Nervous System and Breathing

Joel Jamison on Energy Systems

Michael Mullin’s Multiple PRI In Services

Josh Henkin on Sandbag Training

Gray Cook on Movement Quality

Anna Hartman on Resting Postures

Sue Falsone (of Althete’s Performances and the LA Dodgers) presenting on the Thoracic Spine

Charlie Weingroff’s Multiple In Services on Programming

Nick Tumminello talking about Rotary Training

Teaching the Olympic Lifts Mini Workshop with Charles Staley

Dan John on the Quadrants

Dan John Talk to the Staff on Programming

Dan John Talk to the Staff on Being Successful in the Industry

Sand Bag Training Hands On with Troy Anderson

Kelly Starrett of MoblityWOD talking about Mobility and Rehab

John Pallof on the Shoulder

Devan McConnel on Conditioning

Mike Mullin – 3 Hour Postural Restoration Institute In Service

Josh Aycock – Training the Chinese Olympic Teams for the 2012 Olympics

Over 5 Hours of Q&A with Mike Boyle from our Mentorship Groups

Mike Boyle – Speed Training In Service

Mike Boyle – In Depth FMS Breakdown with Corrective Techniques

John Pallof – Over 3 Hour In Service and Hands on with on Strategies for Healthy Shoulders

Charlie Weingroff – Building a Beast Mini In Service with Q&A

Holly Fitzgerald – Injury Prevention for Sports

Training with the USA Women’s Hockey Team

90 Minute MoveNat In Service

And More!

BodyByBoyle Online is housed on our easy to navigate website that offers more options than ever before, including:

Program Viewer to quickly access our program database

Multiple versions of our videos (for both high and low bandwidth situations)

NEW!!! All Future Videos are Formatted for the iPad and iPhone! We are also converting all old videos as well

Video Playlists for each video category for easy viewing and navigation between videos:

The BodybyBoyle Online System is the next best thing to working directly with a coach. As I reviewed the program, I was amazed at how complete and thorough it was. Simply put, they give you EVERYTHING! Included is an amazing video database of all the exercises that are used at MBSC, a ton of programs options with everything listed and spelled out for the user (taking out all of the guesswork), and much, much more. I highly recommend it.

Craig Rasmussen, CSCS Program

Designer/Performance Coach

Results Fitness

Body By Boyle is simply fantastic, easily one of the most complete and exceptional education I’ve ever seen. The amount of time and effort that went into Body By Boyle is apparent in every aspect of the user experience, which is like a virtual tour into the mind of one of the most prolific and talented strength & conditioning coaches in the field today. Whether you’re an exercise professional or a recreational exerciser, from novice to expert, you’re going to find all of the tools that you need to be successful right here. I really can’t say enough about Body By Boyle: This is seriously impressive stuff!

-Jonathan Fass, PT, DPT, CSCS, ART Cert.

Accelerated Strength

Coach Boyle’s success in developing elite level athlete’s speaks for itself. Over the last 3 decades, Boyle’s innovative programs and coaching have helped athletes in every major sport compete at the highest levels. Body By Boyle Online extends the value of world-class training to athletes everywhere. The ready-made programs, extensive exercise video database, and information-based videos provide athletes with all the tools they need to succeed. This is truly a breakthrough in sports performance training.

Kevin Neeld

Director of Athletic Development,

Endeavor Sports Performance

There is plenty of “fools gold” in the fitness industry these days: gimmicks, broken promises and plain misinformation.  Very few products and services hold their weight.  Body By Bolye On-Line (BBBO) is pure 24 karat gold!  BBBO is a unique resource available to all fitness professionals.  It’s a behind the scenes look into the top gym in America and a Coach with over 30 years of “In The Trenches” experience.  Video taped staff meetings, special guest lectures, assessments, and access to a plethora of MBSC programs make BBBO a MUST for any and all fitness professionals!  Essentially this is the only product of its kind that will allow you to have access to a “virtual” MBSC franchise.  My grandfather always said, “Quality is remembered long after the price is forgotten.”  Coach Boyle’s products are a MUST.  Plain and simple!  If you want to set yourself apart from the competition and invest in your future as competent, educated, well-versed trainer/Coach, I strongly recommend BBBO.  You can’t afford to miss out on this opportunity.   

Anthony Donskov, MS, CSCS, PES

Coach Boyle and his team have created another leap in the industry with Body By Boyle Online. This is one of those gems that rarely comes along. Whether you are a coach, personal trainer, athlete or client, BBBonline is a must have tool for your holster. Not only do you get to see what the #1 ranked gym in America is doing but you are able to take what they are doing and implement it into your programs. BBBonline has set a new standard for educational content.

Dewey Nielsen

Impact Performance Training

As a professional in the strength and conditioning field, constantly educating myself is what has allowed me to find true success with my clients as well as my own training. You cannot place a price on continuing education in a field which is ever evolving. I have followed Coach Boyle’s work for some time due to the high quality and integrity with which he produces informational products as well as his passion for the industry. This year I have had the distinct honor of presenting to his staff on two occasions, and I can attest to the exceptional quality of work at MBSC. The staff, methodology and programming at MBSC is unparalleled. Body By Boyle Online allows you to get an inside look at one of the absolute best facilities in the world, and gives you a chance to learn from the some of the most prominent educators in the field. I cannot stress enough the importance of investing in continuing education, and Body By Boyle Online is just that-a priceless investment in yourself and your clientele.

Neghar Fonooni

 I just want to say you online stuff is perfect for me as an owner training a staff. I watch a couple videos a week… With interns and staff and it is a tremendous help Also allows me to let them watch n learn while I do other things…. Thanks

– Mike Hanley HanleyStrength.com

The Same Exact Programs we Use with Our Amateur and Professional Athletes

An Information Database with Full Seminars, MBSC In Services, DVDs, Inside the MBSC Staff Meeting, and more added each month!

We want as many people as possible to benefit from this content, so we are pricing it at a dramatically low, limited-time introductory price. We asked some of our testers what they would pay for a service like this. The responses indicated well over $100/month just for the education database. But you can have Insider Access to Mike Boyle Strength and Conditioning for less than that.

The Best Strength and Conditioning Programs in the World for Elite High School, College, Minor League and Professional Athletes and Body Composition and Strength Programs for the General Popualtion

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The Lack of Choice

Although I have enjoyed a lot of the good things that have resulted because of being in isolation, I have also really struggled with a lot. First, I would much rather be inside of a school building than sitting in my room communicating and doing assignments through an iPad. There are so many aspects of school that I took for granted that I miss so much. I am definitely more organized in school with such a strict schedule. Also, I’m missing out on socializing with my friends. Instead of talking to my friends in study hall while getting work done, I just get work done and sit on my phone. I know that’s not healthy...but I don’t have the energy when it’s early and I’m in my own room. Also, I miss lunch. With our block schedule, I was able to see all of my friends at different lunches. I miss having the joy of looking forward to seeing someone that I may not have seen yesterday, whereas now I’m desperate to see anyone at all. My friends outside of school are really important to me, too. I miss my friends from McAuley. I only get to see them on weekends as it is, and now our friendship feels even more restricted. Lastly, I’m not moving around as much. I can’t really go anywhere, so I’m stuck in my house for the majority of the time. Once this whole thing is over, I’ll probably never want to be in my bedroom again. Facing these struggles during this time of pandemic has taught me something, though. I have learned to not take life for granted. I definitely won’t complain about having to go to school again, and when life goes back to normal I won’t have a debate with myself as to whether I should go out with friends or stay in by myself. I’ll know the answer. Living through the lack of choice is beyond frustrating.

Interview: John Maus

If there is something about John Maus that stands out when you talk to him, it’s that he seems like a normal person trying to just make sense of things. That might come across as, well, unusual. After all, the longtime experimental musician and occasional partner to outsider phenom Ariel Pink managed to punch a hole in our psyches in 2011 with the release of We Must Become The Pitiless Censors of Ourselves, an album that is still regarded fondly around at Tiny Mix Tapes for its intensity and intellect mixed in with harmonic reverence. However, after releasing A Collection of Rarities and Previously Unreleased Material and touring, he decided to return home to rural Minnesota, where he has spent the last five years. Not playing a lot of music, just living. It’s an interesting dynamic to play out. If one were living in his hometown, they probably wouldn’t necessarily recognize him in any way more than just an acquaintance at the grocery store. Throughout our phone conversation, during which he was cooped up at the Domino Records office in New York City, that normalcy became a form of thoughtfulness. Whether discussing details about his upcoming record Screen Memories (and its compilation side LP Addendum) and anxiety in live settings, going into philosophical debates on identity and the meaning of the term “pitiless censor,” or even bringing up controversial issues, there was an earnest attempt to get his sentiments right. He was sincere, especially when he wanted my views on something. Like anyone else, he just wants to understand the world around him. --- How is it in that office? It’s nice. They’re working, they’re spinning the plates. What can I say? This is the first time I’ve been in this office. It’s good. I got a coffee. They don’t have an M&M machine like those magazines do. Or beanbag chairs. They’re old-school. That’s good, right? It’s not the new media thing that you see on television all the time, with the beanbags and the iPads and things like that. Well, I suppose that’s for the best. [laughs] In any case, it’s been six years since you quoted Badiou in your album title, “We Must Become The Pitiless Censors of Ourselves.” Have we succeeded? I almost feel like we have. [laughs] You think so? I don’t think so. I think the very opposite is the case, isn’t it? It depends how one understands it: “Becoming a pitiless censor.” From my understanding of the question, it seems to me that people are more eager than ever to communicate and enjoy, rather than becoming pitiless censors of themselves. But if by censorship we mean that, like, they trim their eyebrows before they do it — which I don’t think is what they mean by censorship — then sure, they would become more pitiless in crafting that which they share. But the thing is, it’s only gathered steam, hasn’t it? The desire to consume, communicate, and enjoy. That seems to be ever more celebrated in the last 5-6 years. I guess the reason I bring this up is that there is a greater sense of self-criticism prevalent through certain aspects of our culture. That’s why I brought that up. Oh no, that’s fine. I’m curious because that’s the thing about these past six years. I’ve been living in a small town on the border of Minnesota and Iowa. Most of the world at large, for lack of a better way of putting it, comes to me mediated through the newsfeed. So maybe I just don’t have a sense of it. But what is the particular critique you had in mind? Because it seems to me that, if the argument was to rein in banality or vanity, then it’s definitely not the case that these things have been reined in. Rather, they only continue to gather force, and that’s kind of the impetus. What do you mean by people being more critical of themselves? I think you get to where I was going with that in the sense that a lot of people take this sort of approach of establishing identity as this paramount state of being. Identity being who you are rather just an aspect of yourself. Consequently, because you revolve everything around that identity, your thinking and tactics become regressive. People will go out of their way to criticize those who don’t quite match or understand their identity. It’s a common thing now with certain groups of people. Yeah, absolutely. But this is precisely…the context of the phrase “we must become the pitiless censors of ourselves” was something along the lines of this issue of the Situationists, so sure of its ability to control things, no longer censors anything. “All art and thought are ruined when we accept this permission or injunction to consume, communicate, and enjoy. We must become the pitiless censors of ourselves.” So here, identity would be precisely the thing where one who is the pitiless censor of themselves would attempt to interrupt. Identities are what is already given. To become a pitiless censor of oneself would be to undermine those sanctioned identities. I mean, it’s clear you’re referencing identity politics, and perhaps there’s something legitimately political to be salvaged from that impulse. But my suspicion is that the already established and sanctioned identity is politically impotent and ineffective. It can’t be mobilized to any other ends, perpetuating the status quo. So it could always be a critique of oneself, too. I already say and agree with this. It’s like dumping on other people because they don’t fit the identity. This is what you were hinting at earlier. You got to be careful when talking about identities because I know there are nations and peoples, that sort of thing… I’m more comfortable with that sort of language that can move through a situation and radically alter it. But they’re never sanctioned, are they? They appear as something inadmissible. They appear and then things come out of it. Like, take Stonewall. There’s a people there, there’s something queer. It’s different from what I understand identity politics. I think so? I get the sense that the ultimate end-goal, then, is to reject identity. Not necessarily. I mean, that’s why I brought in the non-colloquial sense the terms of nations and peoples. Like in the album, “The People Are Missing.” It’s never something that’s sanctioned when the people appear. It’s not a question of asking for a seat at the white man’s table. We got to take a chainsaw and saw right through it, don’t we? It’s finally an apology for the status quo and this sort of management of identity and rights. That’s all as old as the 18th century, that program of human rights. Maybe I’m getting too far out there. But it’s just how it operates, through the proliferation of identities. All that is solid melts into air. But again, that is not to suggest for a moment that there aren’t legitimate, creative, powerfully radical people out there. It’s just whenever that happens, it seems to be something else other than ordinary comings and goings. I’m just kind of speculating here. I’m not being the pitiless censor of myself. Well, that… Well, do you agree? I mean, it could just be whispers in the dark. I mean, there’s something to what you’re saying. It’s hard to gesticulate the right words for it. It’s a complicated mess to begin with. It’s very easy to get lost in that sort of thing, and it just wraps itself around like an ouroboros. I know that I’ve seen things get warped really quickly, and what was the original intent just turns into something insular and solipsistic. And it’s not easy to deal with. No, it’s not. Above all, it’s utterly complicated. That’s what I say in relation to everything I just rambled about: It’s utterly complicated and it’s always weirder than that. If I hear something that I really like, there’s no question that I’ll spend the next two weeks picking at it and picking at it until I can’t hear it anymore. Trying to understand what’s going on there that’s previously unheard of, that defies my expectations. Indeed. Moving on, you mentioned that you have been living in Minnesota for the past 5 years or so. How has that been for you, given you stepped off after the released A Collection of Rarities and Previously Unreleased Material?” Yeah, I guess that would’ve been a while ago. It’s been good. I liked it out there. It made me lose sense of time to some degree. Everything seems to be quickening. I get up and I lay down, it’s been about a year. But I like that space, you know, something as cliche as the wind in the grass as opposed to helicopters and trashmen slamming on your door. So I liked it there. It was peaceful. I was alone for most of it too. I really like that whole solitude. It’s nice. I liked it down there. It’s where I’m from originally. So I just kind of went back there and finished school stuff, built some instruments and started working on the album. It ended up being however long… six years. That’s quite interesting. Now you’re dropping two albums, Screen Memories and Addendum. What was your intent in creating two albums to be released over the course of two years? Was there a split, or is there something else going on? It was really more that I made an album, but then I realized I had two albums worth of stuff. Plus, the record label was interested in putting together a collection of the LPs I’ve done since 2005. They thought along the lines of that to put together a rarities record, so people could hear the songs I hadn’t included in Screen Memories. By the time it was all put together, it kind of stands on its own as an LP. It wasn’t deliberate, but there’s two albums there. Of the two, I would say Screen Memories is the more fraught-over tracks. Addendum, if I had to explain it, is what came easier, so to speak. So it wasn’t deliberate, just a way to wrap it all together. Put a bow around. Also, I guess it ends up doing me the favor of closing a chapter on these last few years. So would you say that the two albums are one whole unit? Or is there a means to differentiate between the two? Just in terms of the differentiation, Screen Memories is more thought over. It’s more rigorous. Those tracks stand together. The other is out of the work I’ve done in the last two or three years since I got up and going again. Just the other tracks, they’re outtakes in a way. I guess it’s much closer to A Collection… that the label wanted. I guess they wanted this retrospective as a gesture. It’s for people to pick up this collection. I think people will appreciate this record for that. I mean, I wanted to put out this new record and I guess there was enough there for an additional record. How much of yourself do you project in your lyrics? Has that changed over time? I mean, there’s definitely some personal elements in stuff from Songs and Love is Real that is evident in the lyrics. Yeah, and I’ve reined it a little bit, I think. I’ve never been any good at verse at all. I guess I should give penance or an apology for that. It’s music that I’m interested in. There’s a great extent to which music is something other than verse. I wish it wasn’t so mangled. In the new record, it very much continues in that direction in comparison to the first record. But I guess that’s just the consequence of the fixation on the purely musical dimension of things, aside from the lyrics. It’s like the old joke of “words were the worst thing ever happened to music.” Verse can only serve the music, and it can certainly stand of the way of the thing if it isn’t handled right. But that whole relationship between the word and music, this whole thing… Not only do I not have any talent for it, but it’s never been one of my focuses. Even going back to the first record, although, as you said, I gave it a lot more latitude, and maybe it was all the better for it. But yeah, I’ve spent so much time work on the music part of it, by the time I get to the lyrics I just apply it, post-clean it, and save. Considering how important the music is to you, how do you typically listen to music? Is it an act of consumption, or is there something else to it? I think it’s harder to be disinterested while you’re in the act of listening to music. That’s the case with a lot of people who write music. In other words, there is unfortunately all too often an agenda on my part in terms of where I end up directing my attention to. The idea would be under rocks, in other words. Looking anywhere else than that place you can’t escape — the grocery store, or walking around, the music that is played everywhere. The music that is announced in your newsfeed. Things like this. If the idea is to share something else than that, then you have to look somewhere else for that. Of course, when I’m listening to it, it’s like listening to a comedian. When I’m listening, if something stirring takes place, I immediately try to figure out why that might be by way of the languages we’ve developed to try and articulate objective musical details. I’m not saying any of these languages are adequate, certainly not to our music or the music going on right now. The languages I’m talking about are music-theoretical languages. I’ll try to mobilize those in order to arrive to the detail of what it is that affects me. Another way of putting that is, if I hear something that I really like, there’s no question that I’ll spend the next two weeks picking at it and picking at it until I can’t hear it anymore. Trying to understand what’s going on there that’s previously unheard of, that defies my expectations. That sort of thing. I’ve never been any good at verse at all. I guess I should give penance or an apology for that. It’s music that I’m interested in. There’s a great extent to which music is something other than verse. I wish it wasn’t so mangled. So taking a critical and theoretical stance as you listen to the music. Yes, of course. But it’s not purely that interested in that sense always and only, because there’s something there. There’s something I feel compelled to articulate somehow or understand. It isn’t just any one thing or another I bother doing this with. I guess I’m a believer for the most part of — and I don’t follow it carefully enough in regards to the discourse in popular music and whatnot — I’m a believer that one ought to affirm in things that which they wager is worthy of affirmation, as opposed to attaching the negative to something. If one spent their time doing the latter, where would that lead us? We only have so much time. I’m always looking for something to affirm, and for better or for worse, these critical languages that suppose they have this level of objectivity are certainly our best bet at getting at what it is precisely what we’re trying to affirm in the music. Well, there is some need for an agenda at times. With that in mind, in our modern context, would you ever create a sequel to “Cop Killer?” A sequel? I don’t know. Do you mean like “The Unforgiven Part 2,” by Metallica? Come to think I think they made a trilogy about that. [laughs] But yeah, any great song could be a sequel to “Cop Killer” in the most abstract sense. Back when that song came out, it was put to me, “What do you mean by that? Do you really mean to shoot a policeman in the face?” And maybe, no pun intended, but people thought it was a cop-out. But I often thought that “police” as a term is something that everyone has some sense of. Like, there’s always this mechanized element when we have to work to some other ends than ourselves. There’s always a kind of inhumanity that this means to me. It could be — and this has always been the case — that unfortunately there are people in certain circumstances who seem eager to become an Other. To make no exception in your case, so to speak. “I can’t make an exception for you, because then I’d have to make an exception for everybody.” In the general, most abstract sense, I think this is police. So, this is the cops we must kill. At every moment. There’s a case to be made that the truth content in any work is precisely…”It kills the police!” I know that really sounds, I don’t know, esoteric nonsense. But finally, that’s kind of what I meant. It’s always how I understood it. Of course, when you refer to the modern context, I’m assuming you’re referring to stuff like Trayvon Martin. I was always kind of mystified by the response to all that. I mean, you had people citing the ubiquity of smartphones and social media had brought it to the public’s attention. But I was all mystified and strategically went to my head going, “Why now?” It’s something where cell phones aren’t the answer. “Why now?” It’s been the case since the original “Cop Killer,” by Body Count. That record is about police brutality and structural injustice. There’s even spoken-word passages where Ice-T dumps statistics about the number of black men in jail vs. college. What’s happening now is certainly obscene, but it wasn’t news to me that this kind of obscenity continues to take place in our world. Structural inequalities based on race and blood is beneath contempt. But now it’s become more and more of a concern. Like with Black Lives Matter vs. Blue Lives Matter going on in our situation. So yes, “kill the cops.” I mean, when I see a video of a child…in that [Tamir Rice] video, what made it especially sickening to me is, he was playing. He was playing, like I did when I was a kid! He was just there in the park alone pretending he was in a music video. He had a toy that just looked like a weapon. You would have that when you were a kid, so you could be like the guy in the music video or something. You’d pretend the camera was there. It was play, pretend. That’s what happened in this video before a pig rolls up and in a millisecond shoots a child for playing the park. So yeah, verily, I could imagine a video for “Cop Killer” where before that happens, it shows me in a Terminator leather jacket. Going…[laughs] You get what I’m saying? Yeah, I dig. It’s scandalous! And I mean this in the most abstract way! I worried sometimes you’d talk, and there’s a need to pull one fragment out of someone. Like, 140 characters out of a bigger context. But if it relates to the climate right now, it seems that the song has become more apropos, has it not? Where the image it would put into constellation with is a child being shot for playing cops and robbers in the park because he had black skin. Of course, now I’m weighing in on controversial things. But, really, that’s what I’m saying. I would’ve supposed all of this would’ve been taken for granted that it was something everyone sort of acknowledged was the case here. It was objectively the case here that there are certain disparities in the situation that operate on the logic of race. That, to me or any right-thinking person, is disgusting. I suppose you’re right. I guess part of it is, it’s a generational thing. I mean, Body Count’s “Cop Killer” came at time when many things were going on with the LAPD, which eventually led to the Rodney King beating and subsequent riots. Then you had this… I wouldn’t call it a lull, so much as it was pushed back under the surface. Yeah. You have a situation where the answer is, nonchalantly, “well, we record these sorts of things more easily.” But I can’t help but suspect there’s some interest on the part of something else than the noble intent at the root of the thing. That it would be taken up with such vigor all of a sudden. But it could be generational too. That record, George H.W. Bush decried it. It was a big scandal, they had to remove the song from that record. There are songs in that record about the prisons, the crack-cocaine epidemic, and this was all in 1991. I was just this teen in rural Minnesota listening to this record. So I mean, as far removed and isolated as I was from any direct encounter with it, I just always had by way of the protest lyrics understood it in advance: It was a fact of the world that needs to be addressed. But that’s a good point, that it could be generational. It’s simply revisited again and again until it’s addressed. I would say Screen Memories is the more fraught-over tracks. Addendum, if I had to explain it, is what came easier, so to speak. So it wasn’t deliberate, just a way to wrap it all together. Put a bow around. Also, I guess it ends up doing me the favor of closing a chapter on these last few years. Going back to Screen Memories and Addendum, is there a preferred environment you recorded in for them? Yeah. I mean, so far it’s just been I do it in a room in my house. I held to that aesthetic again in this one. I’m a firm believer in do-it-yourself. The more mediators there are between one and their work they’re supposed to do, the more obscured the work will become. So that’s how I prefer it: I can just walk out of my bed or something and walk a short distance and begin working on the music. That’s what I’ve held up. That said, I’m coming to the limit of that with this record. There’s the prospect of at the very least re-amplifying things in a proper studio and adding instrumental performers. More and more that’s become appealing, because I feel I’m coming up at an impasse of doing it all myself. That’s an interesting point. Come to think, do you ever intend on bringing in a backing band for your live sets? Oh, it’s already there. I’ve already done 5-10 dates here leading up to the release here, and I have a band for the live shows now. I mean, it would be cool, even in the recordings, to have that. I tried to go back and play as many of the tracks as I could. Tracks within the tracks. I would play the bass guitar or something like that. But a lot of the synth stuff, for example, I obviously cannot play it, it had to be sequenced. Of course, on top of that, if a human being had played it, it kind of gives it a expressive vitality it wouldn’t otherwise have, especially in terms of dynamics. There’s a reason there exists an algorithm that can “humanize a computer performance.” I guess you can see that. But the point I’m making is that, yes, I’ve been considering bring these sorts of things into recording, and I’ve already begun to do that in the live setting. That’s interesting, because I have seen you live before, and it’s usually just yourself entirely. Yeah. I don’t know why it shouldn’t have been, and why it hadn’t. But certainly when the stages got big enough, a lot of people would just walk away and wonder if they’d seen a music concert or performance art. So, there’s reason enough right there to just clear that up, by way of having a band, once and for all. Of course, there’s also the fact that instrumental performers allow you to mobilize the sonic dimensions of the live performance in a way you can possibly deal with, such as through a computer. Like in a recorded setting, the performer is going to bring attention to certain passages. It just opens up the possibilities, removing any question of what’s supposed to be taking place in a live show. It’s worked out good. I was worried that there would be a bad set-up, in the way that you’re confronted with the possibility that you’re trying to make something and have to carry the performance. Fortunately, that hasn’t been the case at all. It hasn’t been seen as a cop-out or anything like that. So that’s the way it’s been. Speaking of live, a few years ago I interviewed one of your touring mates, Maria Minerva. Something she brought up with me with me was that when before you hit the stage, you would have this anxiety going about you. Do you suppose that those moments are a means to store energy that you can then project on stage? Yeah, and that relates to the last question very much in the sense that having many other people on stage does alleviate that to some degree. It’s not uncommon, surprisingly, for performers to get stage fright or terrible nerves before going out there. But yeah, I’d comfort myself with whatever I could, one of the things being that this was a necessary experience to undergo in order to do anything worthwhile. It’s kind of recognition of the gravity of it. I don’t know. Would it make any difference if I was just perfectly happy as a clam to just go out there and spit beer on people? I don’t know. I always understood opportunities where especially the configuration is one person is the center of attention demand a sort of thoughtfulness and apprehension. You can get into trouble if you’re the one they’re all paying attention to. You’re never gonna get into trouble for being the one who listens. You’ll get into trouble for being the one that speaks, as it were. It’s all coming around in a very long way to the question you asked, but yeah, the nerves… It’s not uncommon, I guess. I just get terribly anxious before going out there. And I don’t numb it with pills or booze or something. I have to leave it at the nerve because of the idea of “do your best.” But what are you going to say to the guy who just laughs at you and calls you an asshole, then tells you to relax? Nothing. There’s nothing you can say to it. So I guess I got to take comfort in the quote, “In our situation, anything carried out with any seriousness or militance is going to appear comical.” So that’s what I say to the “hey, you know, just chill” people. I try sing a lot when they’re laughing. Especially the ones that are on their phone. There’s this sense of expectation now in the live shows. So it becomes more difficult to try to do something more than that. But yeah, the nerves. Are you suggesting that they should be a form of preparation? More that you use that anxiety as an energy to project on stage. That’s exactly what it is. I used to joke that if it wasn’t there, then what are we going to do? If that fear wasn’t there, the show wouldn’t work. The more the fear was there, the better the show was going to be. I think that does factor into it. I recall a certain “Frank James” writing a massive commentary in response to someone’s post on the song “Bennington.” Do you think such in-depth thinking is a lost art in today’s social media? Absolutely. I mean, I don’t think “Frank” had anything intelligent to say. But then again, in the sense of the term TL;DR is prevalent, truncation and summary are ever more prevalent. You have precision and efficiency in terms of communicating just the facts or the essence of the thing. I mean, I’m already worried about my rant about the police because you could just tear something from that, and insert any end you want. This is an idea that this fact is related to everybody. But I like that space, you know, something as cliche as the wind in the grass as opposed to helicopters and trashmen slamming on your door. So I liked it there. It was peaceful. Context is everything, especially coming from a background in the humanities. A respect for exegesis and labor in exegesis is just one of the axioms of these disciplines in which patience and attention to detail is the whole point. It’s not the conclusion, it’s the whole dialectic of arriving at the conclusion that counts. I think the situation becomes more and more hostile to any sort of length. Like, the 140 thing right now, or how they’re going to 280 right now on Twitter, I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s definitely people that’ll figure it out. But it’s a whole arsenal of algorithms designed to summarize and quantify. They’re proof enough that it’s an all-important impulse. There’s plenty of indicators that the world as it stands would like to have done with whatever it is we achieve by taking the time to carefully move through a series of different points; with the end result being not about the point at all but rather the movements through the points. Like a self-help course, except for text. “Nobody’s got time! We got to make a YouTube or whatever.” It’s one attempt of showing that construct or constriction. That sort of imperative to keep it simple. Oh I get that. I mean, I’m so sick of seeing these popular YouTube videos that appear on my feed that say negative clickbaity titles like “Everything Wrong With Your Favorite Movie/Album.” I don’t need to know that! With very rare exception, we’re not going to run into any trouble trying to think carefully or deeply or profoundly about something. Even if it’s about how it’s impossible to do that. Maybe the argument is about chasing your own tail. It’s funny that we ended with YouTube, by the way, because on the other end you have, “We’re gonna keep it simple and short!” So why do these instructional videos they have to set it up for half an hour? Like “Yeah, I’m gonna show you how to do this thing on this app, smash the Like button to follow!” And I’m all “OK, OK! Just show me how to do it!” Of course, it’s OK if it’s something like how to duplicate a frame on a program. You can keep it short there. But if we’re talking about politics or love or art, maybe the time for patience presents itself ever more. At the same time, the untrue world seems to say, “No no no, don’t think about it, don’t be patient. Just give it to me.” Maybe that’s when it becomes all the more important. But that’s just an angle. There’s definitely a way to explain things concisely. But the hostility towards being patient and reading, that can’t be a good thing for humanity. Now, something I wanted to bring up was Ariel Pink. I was listening to Dedicated to Bobby Jameson earlier this summer, and listening to Screen Memories, I still felt there was some residual connections between these two albums. I just wanted to know what you had gained out of your collaborative relationship with him. I mean, these two records — Screen Memories and Dedicated to Bobby Jameson — couldn’t have been an influence onto each other at all because he was done before he heard what I was doing, and vice versa. But in terms of our wider discographies…he’s all but said there’s a lot of that on certain songs, and there is certainly that throughout the wider discographies before he joined 4AD Records. Now, I can’t speak to that, but on the whole, yes, absolutely. It would be one of the, if not the figure that kind of helped set for me a way forward in terms of how one can most effectively mobilize the medial dimensions of music composition: The harmonic dimensions, melodic, rhythmic, idiomatic. I always made the joke that we were research scientists in the same specialized branch of topology. I looked and studied his proofs very carefully, and I used them to my own ends, and he did the same. That’s very much the case. I mean, we could’ve done two hours on each of those points. What I mean by that is that yes, in whatever sense we can resonate and take direction from our peers in terms of helping us find our way, there’s no question that he’s one of the guys who stands out in relation to my work. And I mean, we were close. We studied together in undergrad, we lived together. We swapped tapes for years. It was in my DNA from the start. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen anyone in the last five years, being alone in a house in a small town. But I was still looking at older records like The Doldrums in terms of possibilities that still seem to be promising places to investigate. http://j.mp/2h51Hvz