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wasflypaw · 3 years

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Every time I try to have a look into the c!Dream enthusiast side of the fandom, mainly on Twitter... whether its bc I accidentally stumbled across a post, whether its bc I saw it in a tag, whether its bc I saw a screenshot, whether its bc it literally had "c!Dream antis read this" in it, whatever, its ALWAYS something that makes me feel mildly nauseous. And it's getting harder to avoid - I've blocked all the blogs but more are popping up

In an effort to stop the fandom "dehumanising" c!Dream by... seeing him as the abuser and villain he is, they dehumanise every other character and in a really personal, offensive way as well

c!Tommy - he and c!Dream are "bad for eachother", c!Tommy was "annoying him", c!Tommy "brings out the worst in c!Dream", talking about his existence as if he's Just been a burden to c!Dream, talking about The Exile Arc as if it was some sort of "necessary evil", a means to an end, as if c!Tommy needed changing for the SMP to have a happy ending. Never, ever using language that makes c!Dream sound like 100% the abuser and 100% the victim, sneakily dancing around the topic or using words that place part of the blame on c!Tommy himself. Feeling more sympathy that c!Dream was stuck with the kid that annoyed him soooooo much over the fact that c!Tommy was literally stuck with his abuser. Making out as if his POV is unreliable and you cant use it as your sole judgement on c!Dream as if he's not the only guy c!Dream shows his TRUE colours to

Wilbur - Despite people begging not to, Horrifically misusing words with very heavy meanings like "xenophobia" and "colonization" to describe c!Wilbur making a country on untouched land and hating Americans as a British dude when the Americans did not suffer or lose anything not bring allowed in L'Manberg. Completely removing his trauma (yknow... The Final Control Room.) and mental illness to make him out to be the Big Baddie. Use literally any other words!!!! Idc if you think he's in the wrong or that he took c!Dream's land or whatever!! Just use other words!!!

c!Sam and The Prison - Do I have to explain why referring to c!Sam as a Corrupt Cop and Comparing the Prison to an Irl Prison can be bad or offensive. Do I Really Have To. I once saw a post saying if you dont support irl Prisons you cant support c!Dream being in the prison

c!Sapnap, c!George, c!Puffy, etc - "Cutting off your toxic friend is bad, actually!" c!Dream has repeatedly hurt c!Sapnap by getting his pets killed, destroying his house, helping destroy his Eiffel Tower, c!Dream was Trusted With Mars and he unnecessarily gave it to Tommy. Etc. The final straw was him witnessing what c!Dream was doing to c!Tommy and c!Tubbo, two other people he cared about as he's allowed other friends. And him helping lock c!Dream away for their safety is seen as "abandoning his spiralling friend" and "something c!Dream shouldnt forgive him for". Its like,, if your friend repeatedly hurts you and everyone you care about, leaving them for your mental health is Not a bad thing

And the thing that spurred on me making this post:

Ghostbur - Basically c!Wilbur with repressed memories. This is a whole ass being with thoughts and feelings, right, yet he has issues with memory. Like... a disability perhaps. I've seen some of the grossest things about him. In an effort to downplay Doomsday its "Ghostbur wouldve forgotten anyway". When talking about his literal death its "an opportunity c!Dream could benefit from" or "c!Dream was desperate, he had to!" as if they're talking about some sort of tool to discard, as if Ghostbur is lesser... Its Disability Pride Month rn, btw, and I Just saw this shit be said

Fictional Characters Or Not, The Rhetoric You Use Can Hurt People.

I'm sick of being guilt tripped, seeing them say "they hate us because we like c!Dream" it's like?? No,,, I hate the Uncomfortable Stuff You Manage To Say About Every Character!!!!

I dont hate You Personally because I Do Not Know You Personally. I Do Not Think you believe this stuff irl. I would not break up a friendship if a friend thought any of this stuff. But that doesnt make it any less uncomfortable seeing it casually just.. Out There. Like I'm c!Dream critical but I've shut down people saying shit like "c!Dream probably enjoys being hurt in prison he's probably not human lol" because that's bad!!! Do Not Say Stuff Like That!!!

I actively dissuade people from saying stuff like "c!Dream deserves it" or whatever. But I'm still accused of invalidating his trauma because I.... said I wanted less tonal dissonance in the prison and it didnt feel like I was watching someone whose been tortured for months on end when watching Dream act out his character... when I repeatedly make sure to say stuff like "he has been through the worst pain on the SMP", I use the word "torture" every time, I refuse to downplay it, and I Never defend c!Sam or c!Quackity on what theyve done. Theyve done that shit, there's no downplaying or shifting the blame. I even shut down anons telling me c!Dream has been faking his trauma in the prison for attention because that too is uncomfortable!! I Try My Damn Hardest Man!!!!

The shit I've had in my askbox bc I dared not be sympathetic to c!Dream while his abuse victim hasnt had a healing arc yet is...

1. Because of an ask I got saying Dream is portraying trauma he hasnt experienced and it's okay to be critical of his acting (Months worth of torture and solitary confinement in a prison cell) I got vagued by someone telling others I was invalidating Dream's actual experiences with abuse irl?? That I said he was faking going through that?? How fucking Dare you accuse me of that AND weaponize your CCs real life trauma that you have no right to talk about Like That in apologist discourse??? Do you hear yourself??? I still want an apology for this btw.

2. I got told "its kinda weird" that I dont sympathise with c!Dream in prison, then this person actively twisted my words about the acting to make it seem like I'm saying c!Dream hasn't been traumatized or saying he should Act More Traumatized as in.. the character. It's like. Damn I dont accuse yall of invalidating trauma when you say Tommy's acting is kinda weird tf

3. The anon calling me "deranged" and "a BAD person" because of the above. More offensive language to add to the growing pile! Bc your fictional abuser matters more than what you say to a real life person :')

There's A Reason people are uncomfortable with c!Dream apologists. It's not due to a double standard, it's not due to just watching Tommy's POV or whatever,

Its because as someone whose been through similar shit to c!Tommy, someone whose had to cut off someone close to me because they hurt me, someone who has grown up with debilitating mental disorders, etc. I see the shit you say and I stay away. I see the anons you send me and I stay away.

This morning I saw a post directed towards c!Dream critical people, saying you should read it to possibly change your mind. And so I did, and two paragraphs down I saw shit like "c!Dream was stuck with the bane of his existence, the guy he hated so much, cant you see why he killed him" and it's like Damn I'm never giving yall a chance again!!! And these posts will never have a warning for victim blaming bc they dont think they're doing it.

This is becoming an even worse problem and I BEG of the fandom, not even Just c!Dream apologists, to watch their language and how they talk about these characters. Because for a series that's so dark and relatable, people dont treat it like it is...

#abuse tw #torture tw #ableism tw #LONG POST #victim blaming tw #dehumanizing language

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imeengoldberg · 3 years

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yall shouldnt be surprised when i can give you a dictionary length book full of just story titles of mlm stories written by cis straight women ive seen not looking for them, but can count on my hands and toes all of the (male character) x male reader stories ive found while looking for them.

its all fun and games until i also tell you, hey, theres even less (girl character) x girl readers, or just wlw stories at all. It’s starting to sound a lot like fetishization.

im not saying you cant write mlm stories as a cis straight woman- obviously not. part of being a writer is writing stories far from your own personal experience. It’s just like what we call bad representation. those people (very flamboyent gay men specifically) do exist, but they are the only gay men every shown because they fit comfortably into hetero-safe stereoypes.

if you only write mlm stories, and youre not an mlm yourself, and you always have the same heteronormative dynamic (one uwu twink sassy girlboss and the alpha badboy in detention who coUldNt bE gAY, hE plAyS FoOtbAlL anD hAz MeAn GiRlFwIeND- but thats all an act? like geez, just say ur biphobic and ask random gay men to be ur gay best friend??) it just starts to lead me to the conclusion you dont have the queer community in your best interest.

honestly, the fetishization is disgusting. it reinforces already harmful stereotypes. Also, I have never, and I mean NEVER- found a mlm story about a trans man in love with another man that wasnt practically porn without plot, save for one kiribaku fic that i wish i could find again. That definitely does not put us trans men in a wonderful light. we are not to be sexualized for our bodies, and neither us nor mlm should be fetishized for loving.

if youre unsure you can accurately write a queer love story accurately, do not do it. if youre worried at all it will come off bad on the lgbtqia+ community, do not do it. it will not hurt you if it’s bad rep, but it will hurt us.

are you good at writing queer romance as a straight person but notice that you have an odd amount of mlm & straight romance and an abandoned desert for wlw or trans/nonbinary love stories? write some! we really need it!

also, there are not enough people of color in stories in general. i notice that a lot of the time, they’re shoved off as one of the side characters- at most, a best friend. why? well, we know why, its racism, but why in my fanfiction. like, this fanfiction was so good, until i realized every single character was described as a western/eurapean with white skin, when, listen, this is an anime and they’re all japanese, jessica. although it’s not something i can speak in depth about as a very white pasty mf, it’s something ive definately noticed and its very annoying tbh. all these mcs look the same. give me some actual people please.

speaking of actual people!

why are there no chubby mcs? ever? like wtf? i get it, skinny people aesthetic or whatever, but it’s actually so frustrating when every character is a size 0 and an unrealistic representation of average people, despite usually starting out as ‘average’. I’d like to feel good about my stomach instead of comparing it to a paragraph in a fanfiction.

finally, ive gotten to something good!

wlw stories are finally getting as mainstream as mlm! not there yet, but it makes me smile every time i see a wlw story on my feed cuz it means were getting there :)

all-in-all, this is the reason I stopped reading fanfiction regularly a while ago.

this time two-five years ago, you couldn’t pull me away from the fanfiction. I would read main characters (women) who were only ever ‘tomboy’ enough to fall into a safe view of heteronormativity that I held. I’d never even seen the word transgender until middle school- and because my entire life I was conditioned to believe that that stuff was weird or gross, I rejected it hard.

It took me years to get to where I am, and it was a huge struggle. Not that this is one fanfiction/story writer’s fault. This is an entire community’s fault. I just dont want the next generation of queer, chubby, or poc kids to think they’re weird or lesser than like I did. If it’s something I can help to stop, I will.

So, if I ever write an original story, or original characters into a fic, you bet your ass its gonna be the most realistic representation of the real world i can get into a story. now, fuck jk rowling, and have a good night. au revoir, bitches.

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enzo-zzz · 3 years

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A vent on the fandom + cg

If you dont wanna hear any negativity, please just ignore this post. It includes dissatisfication on the yttd fandom and ongoing belief in it. I'm not going to use very kind words here, so just ignore this post. 3b spoilers included.

I like yttd so much, but the english fandom, i cannot interact because how toxic it is. Even the smallest different of which route you choose, will attract anyone to abuse, harrass, ridicule or humiliate you. And to be truth, there are many of them who are so judgemental, to the point that there is only one thing that are right and the other are wrong. Black and white mindset. The term "canon route" is what fans created itself. I guess there are many of them who are teens or kids, since most of kids who havent grown up yet tend to lean towards black and white mindset, even if they believe they are not. If you find people who keep arguing especially on social media, you can bet that its teens. Adult are too tired to involve in things like fighting with strangers. There is one time when the poll asked your age and the age range quite small to teens age. I guess thats why i think so.

OTHER THAN THAT, THERE'S ONE THING I'M ANNOYED WITH. ABOUT THE CG AND HOW THE FANDOM DECIDES THAT THE MORE CGS, THE MORE CANON IT IS. To be perfectly honest, i'm the one who came up with the analysis that on certain route 2-2 ending the cg is more. But people really use it the wrong way and now thought that anything that has more cg is the canon route. The word canon route is wrong in itself, who tf come up with the term canon route in yttd? Is the reason for creating two route is for one to be canon only, or for sparing different characters, or for having different storyline? (I personally think that on different route, the story will change and the ones who got to live at last is probably different ). Now i see those who misuse that information everywhere. "In sou route 2-2 ending evil joe AI dont even have new cg but in kanna route he has. See how biased the devs are? he should have drawn more if he really meant the route to be the canon one. Kanna route will get happy ending, sou route is bad ending." I think thats stupid. B*tch, he keep reusing his old art here and there. You can check for yourself. Joe and midori has same hand based on the cg? He's just reusing the hand art. The arm in 3b and 1-1 is the same arm he reuse. Sou and kanna 2-2 ending basically use the same sou drawing, he just changed it a bit. Sara in 2-2 kanna ending use the same cg as when keiji try to calm her in front of computer, he just changed the face. Midori and sara on the 3b game screen cg basically use the same cg in the 3b content, but changed a bit. So i can think why need to create new cg when joe is still malicious as the hallucination in 2-2 sou ending? If i want to create something i will also reuse this to save my time.

So if you wanna really use this cg argument, then maybe you can consider why alice memory game got so many more cg than reko's? and how ranmaru gone insane has so many new sprite and pose with the hair like that. And why when dummy is dead they got cg's. Especially the ranmaru dying one, he got moving cg's and how it was put more effort into that. Then that means dummy dying is actually the canon route since when they alive they got no addtional cg? This is my assumption, but i think the devs just do as many cg as it takes depends on how impactful the scene he's working on, not because its canon, thats really a lazy take if he is actually unwilling to do extra route but still forcing himself to do it anyway. Imagine if dummy is dying but no cg, instead a message " ranmaru/mai/anzu died ". Do you think that will really give impact to you? This game clearly hinting that joe is going to be the spotlight of the game, even in 3b. So when sou set the real joe ai in kanna route for sara, the script is written for the real joe to genuinely react to sara. of course thats going to be heartwrenching since joe himself is the very important part of sara's life. When the script is made that way, lacking of cgs will hamper down the storytelling nankidai genuinely want to deliver. All i can say is it come from the heart of the author himself. If it is just only text for something as tearful as that moment and no cgs, it wont really touch the feeling isnt it? It is the same with alice memory game that tells about how alice "kill" midori. I'm not sure how many it is but atleast there is 3 cgs with one of them has variant. The story of how alice kill midori is also important and should have impact, thus the extra CG's. I can say its about being passionate and indulged in the storytelling.

I dont even know if joe will ever heal sara in sou route, but based on how the story still keep joe relevant til the end, then there must be something that need to happen between them in the end right? Nankidai even made sure that sara see the dog keychain in 3a if player probably choose to not ask gin about the dog keychain he's hiding in ch 2. Its also for relating ranmaru and joe. Having closure or conclusion with joe in the middle of game is still valid, and having a closure with joe at the end of the game is still valid. Imo, having closure with joe at the end of the game after all of those suffering involving him makes the better climax or impact for sara chara development since the game build up to highlight joe and mr. Policeman, it can be even better if all of it are to be pull together in the ending.

Even if the devs has route he prefer, he's not abandoning any route he less prefer, only if its true that he ever have a route he prefer. Plus you dont know which route he's prefer if any. He's taking his work seriously, it just some "fans" looking down on him, even to the point calling him biased, he's punishing the one who take another route, treating like he only use his career for egostatiscal reason (it somehow clearly mirrors that you are the one who egostatiscal to the point of wanting to find any excuse to punish other, you just using the devs name to validate your mindset). If he's dislike people who chose that route that much, then why create that route? If he know its tiring to make alternate route, then why still make the choice to let 3 dummy alive route at the end? It will make more work. I can only assume its out of passion, or just that he deep down wants the character to be alive atleast in a route ( idk if this is correct, i just read google translated version of his public fanbox that he's actually very reluctant at first when the time comes and "crying" so hard when he had to kill joe in chapter 1. So the part where he wants to spare some character is only my assumption ). By this punishing logic, shouldnt he not make alice die when you push reko ai to spare gin, and only do it to those who dont push the ai to save gin by killing real reko? I am more sure that the variants is to tell a different story or who to spare, and specifically for who sara actually was.

Happy endings? I'm not sure. I've expected that once from story with a lot of deaths, wishing for atleast the protagonists alive. Anime or story with a lot of death is definitely my jam, but from what i see, most of them has bittersweet ending, it depends on how the author wants it to be. Some author dont mind killing them all till the end, and some author just easily kill them all because they plan to revive them later. And everyone sense is different. Some japanese people sense in storytelling is a bit different imo. As the one being the audience, happy endings is the most common wish the audience wants. But its all up to the sense of the author. This is why i'm annoyed with some kids from overseas who rarely watch or play many things that involves a lot of death from japan suddenly says that this "one happy ending, this one bad ending! Everyone will survive in this route, everyone dead in this route"

Just play any route you like, nothing wrong with that. Whats wrong is to start this war of ridiculing others or have that irritating attitude towards those who play their own first route and start bad mouthing or desperately throwing bad assumption that one route will end very bad just for the sake of feeling better for your choice and to scare others.You do know that when you read a book, you'll only know if the overall story is good or bad until you know the ending right? The ending will conclude everything that happened. What happening in the fandom is now like, you only read 3/4 of the book and already expecting that this one will have good ending and bad ending. What if its not about the binary, but for the difference in direction? Its not that bad if the story of the book is kinda predictable, but with how plot twists become the main part of yttd's charm, its getting more difficult to predict how it will end. There's a lot of story which was masterpiece in every part as seen by fans, until the ending hits. Its what the author wants, but its not what the fans wants.

If you pick fights with others, even passively, the consequence is all on you. Good luck taking care of your mess.

Thats why i'm reluctant to publish any theory because the fandom will always use it as an excuse to pick fights with other and say " i'm more right bcs i got this proof" . U see in my caption i dont want any of those harasser to even digest my theory. If you are one of them get out of my blog.

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maekwn · 3 years

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( kim yerim, cis woman ) have you seen MAE KWON ? i heard SHE is a WAITRESS/VISUAL ARTS MAJOR at MAL’S DINER/SUN VALLEY. they’re 22 years old and they’ve been living in san verto for 13 YEARS. they tend to be LOYAL & DEPENDABLE, but rumor has it they can also be IMPULSIVE & STRAIGHTFORWARD. [ tally, 25, GMT+4, she/her ]

tw // seasonal affective disorder, depression, child abandonment

mae kwon –– kim yerim / yeri fc

nicknames: maemae ??

birthday: june 25, 1998 - 22 yrs old ; cancer

cis woman, she/her, bisexual

born in gwangju, south korea.

past !

Mae Kwon, originally just 'Mae' was a little girl who was left stranded by her mother at a young age on a rainy day. Originally born in gwangju, South Korea, her parents moved to New York with her. The little three year old girl was found crying in a parking lot. There was a piece of paper tucked into her pocket stating her name, age, birthday, and the words 'if found, please take care of her because i don't want to. don't try to find me, because you won't. don't try to find her father because he's dead. i’m sorry'. Mae was actually lucky to be found by people without any ill intent. After a lazy investigation by the police department, Mae’s mother couldn’t be traced.

Mae was in the foster system for as long as she could remember and was moved from one state to another a lot. The longest she stayed at a foster home was with a couple consisting of two married korean women in san verto, california who loved children and wanted to take care of them, but could only take in one kid at the time, and that happened to be Mae. They loved her so much that on her 9th birthday, a year after being their foster kid, she was adopted by them.

Of course, there were a few complications. Mae wasn't properly taken care of as she grew up. She wasn't used to getting whatever she wanted. She wasn't used to being treated like she was someone's biological child. Someone’s favorite thing in the world. She wasn't used to having food whenever she wanted. She was a very quiet kid at first, barely speaking unless she was spoken to first. But once she got used to someone, she was so talkative and happy. Eventually, she got used to her new life and she loved it. Now she couldn't ask for anything better.

present !

Mae now lives a happy and healthy life. She may have not grown up in a great environment, but she was lucky enough to be one of the few older kids to be adopted at the age that she was. Mae is someone who's amazing when it comes to her studies. It is so easy for her to memorize things, and therefore get outstanding grades in school. She, however, preferred art over anything else, if she had to consider a career path. Painting has saved her in her quiet and rough times, and she's gotten so skilled at it. Her specialty was realism, and which sometimes was mixed with other abstract styles. Mae now studies visual arts at Sun Valley School of Fine Arts, and she's going through her last year. It's not fancy, but it's what she prefers. She knows that if theres anything she couldn't learn at school, she could easily learn herself.

Mae has had multiple jobs throughout being in high school and college working as a barista or a receptionist, or what have you. She’s currently a waitress at Mal’s Diner. while her parents are big on helping her out financially if she needed it, Mae is someone who likes to save up and depend on herself.

One thing to mention is the way her childhood has affected her mentally in the long run. She was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and she was told it was most likely genetic. However Mae, although she knows it's incorrect, she feels like she developed it on her own during her childhood. In fact, she was abandoned on a rainy winter day, and although it's not true in terms of the official causes of the disorder, Mae thinks that day has had a big affect on her mentally regardless. She still remembers it vividly, and especially in the winter when she's suffering with her disorder the most. The impact of that memory just makes her even more depressed than she should be.

personality !

mae is that person who could come off as quiet and invisible, with her general vibe, but she’s such a social butterfly whenever she gets the chance. she’s the type of person who would purposely annoy you for fun. she was known at school for being the one girl in gym class who called the coach by his first name shamelessly, just because saying “what’s up, steve?” and seeing his reaction was funny to her. she generally has good patience, but it could run out so quickly, especially when someone is being rude to her or her friends. and despite her being so good at school and on top of her classes, she was lazy when it came to other things, especially whatever job she was having at the time, to the point where she became the type of person to quit work just because she wasn’t vibing like she thought she would be. mae has a shiba inu dog named haruki, and if you call him doge, she will glare at you because she’s so sick of the outdated doge jokes lmaoo anyways that’s her !

wc !

- friendsss , i’m always here for friendships - crush ?? 😳 it could be either your character with a crush on mae or mae with a crush on yours ?? i’m here for it - old crush bc it would be funny if mae had a crush on this person and they never acknowledged her existence until now that she’s completely over them lmaoo - co workers ?? they could either be havin’ Good Vibes together or simply not like each other and hate it when the other gets in their way ? - bad influence 👀 mae isnt really the type of person to do something she knows she shouldnt ,, but sometimes her ass can be dumb if she was around the wrong people - f-fwb ?? 😳 again, mae isn’t really someone who’s big on wilding out but these two could’ve met somewhere like a bar or a club one time and it’s been a Thing since then ??

i’m open to more ideas, not necessarily just these !!

#foolsintro #seasonal affective disorder tw #depression tw #child abandonment tw

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allulily · 4 years

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watching the promised neverland ep1

most likely spoilers ahead

(not most likely, most definitely and they are not minor spoilers so you've been warned)

these are in real time(ish) reactions i write as i watch with minimal editing

before starting the 1st episode: ok so the picture looks cute, there is no summery being shown but whatever i'll just see how this goes. my sister has been annoying me to watch it and i have heard good thing about it's use of sound. let's get this started but i have some homework so i'm going to let this play on background while i try to figure what the fuck is up with math

0:57: this gate seems important and a little suspect but cute animation and, yes emma i too wish to ride a giraffe. and they all say mom like they have the same one but they don't really look like siblings

2:26: cool intro fun vibes

2:29: what's up with the numbers

3:10: that's a lota children

3:37: they seem to happy go lucky, somethings up

4:29: animation pretty

4:43: ominous music and numbers mean bad things

4:55: ohhh is it connys birthday happy birthdayyy babyy

5:18: i don't know what they're doing bet it seems ominous and intense

5:31: kinda culty vibes

5:49: yayyyyyy

5:59: eDgEyy

6:15: TAGGGGGGG

6:26: why all white? it's culty

7:02: Aawwwwww Conny and Don are BESSSSTTT friends

7:33: norman's good at tag

7:59: BIIIIIIGG steppppyy

8:09: clocks are cool, whimsical

8:26: oh no norman, emma go help him

8:27: NOOOORRMANNNN UR MEANNN

8:52: how stRatITigiEc

9:53: feeling ominous

10:01: oh no

10:09: ahhhh noooo suspenseee somethings gonna happen

10:24: i'm unsettled i've been unsettled

10:46: oooooooooh exposiiiitioooooonn

10:50: it's a tiny fence man

10:59: yesss be the level head ray QUESTION EVERYTHING

11:08: hmmmmmmm something's a bit weird

11:23: mmmmmmmmk these people gathered seems like some key players because they aren't that stupid and are not 4 years old and are talking about suspect things

11:26: it's an orphanage huh didn't get that till just now i was pretty sold on the cult idea, still could be an orphanage for a cult

11:30: 12 is not the age at which you age out of foster care system/ no longer need a legal guardian what happens at 12? do they go to a new orphanage?

11:33: from who ur orphans? i take back what i said about them being important because they're smart they're kinda dumb but still there is an adaquate amount of them to make sense as being important based on the topic they're discussing

11:38: i redact my previous statement of my redaction of them being smart

11:43: that's not how that's supposed to work

11:56: glasses sweety i don't think that's how that works

11:58: this seems like the type of conversation you shouldnt brush off like that

12:02: based on this background music and the music as emma approached the fence i kinda feel like you don't

12:10: yea that's culty

12:12: so they have access to books that's cool

12:50: they are pretty childish for protagonists

12:52: based on the title that statement ("i don't really want to leave") is either very very true or very very false

12:59: given that this is the first episode of an anime and it has some very culty vibes the "we're all happy here" is not going to last

13:02: someone is not happy

13:03: this child has a very high pitched kind of annoying voice i hope they die first

13:08: ooh this small child is getting adopeted (idk is that like being inducted into the cult? then why a 5 year old before the 10?11? year olds) i take back the ending of my previous statement they seem like a side character/supporting character and they're cute enough and they said something nice so i geuss they can stay as long as they don't talk to much

13:13: like a mom or an orphanage mom?

13:17: the whole "never even think about abandoning my children" but seems odd but my running theory is that they are part of a cult so maybe that's a prevelant issue? or is it because they are in an orphanage that this is relevant?

13:19: this feels a bit creepy

13:55:awwwww

13:59: noooo her best friend don is crying and she's crying and its saaaad but they were part of the conversation of important topics so maybe she'll stick around or we'll get updates on her

14:02: ominous door slam

14:12: ohh nooo this is very not sounding good

14:19: uh oh somethings off

14:31: mk i geuss that gate doesn't look bad at all

14:32: connys bunny, noooooooo

15:03: why isn't he joining them

15:05: whatever i geuss they're very considerate

15:13: uh oh spagetios

15:17: this seems like it's gonna be a bigger deal that the show wants be to believe

15:22: well that trucks suspicious

15:32: oh no ominous music and ominus anxiety inducing camera angles before it was only the video or sound

15:37: ahhhhhhh suspenseeeeee is gettin toooo meeee

15:43: ahhhhhhHhHHhHHHH creepy vibes

15:50: dumb bitch characters are unaffected

15:56: there isn't even ominus music just a consistent background noise and an every so often background noise and creepy ways the scene are shot but it's wooorrrkkkingggggg

16:03 suspense is building what's gonna happennnn

16:08 what's that dark stain. i hope it's water

16:25 shit what's happened

16:28 she is unsteady this is not god the weird noises are getting creepier

16:30 biiiiig step back

16:32 oh no she has seen something

16:36 oh wow this is killing me but like in a good way

1639 wooow this is a looooot creepier now

16:46 the way we are being brought to look at the thing emma is looking at is excruciating ahhhhhhhhh

16:54 oh nooooooo what issss itttttttt

16:56 hot ducking shit is that conny

17:00 ok so there's a flower

17:01 ok so the flower stabbed conny

17:06 SHIIT

17:29 are they out of food why would he want to catch a cat for dinner this seems bad

17:36 FUCK

17:42 god this animation is beautiful

17:46 huh so it seems like connys dead dead. um i didn't mean it when i said i hope she dies first

17:50 so do they eat people

17:52 yes

18:01 what did they just put connys body in?

18:03 oh no

18:09 FARMMMM

18:11 "only the rich can-" CAPITTTALLLLLISIOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

18:14 AHHHHHHH SHUUUUT UP U FOOLSSS

18:22 ANOTHER

18:32 MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

18:39 AHHHHHH NOOOOOO DONTTT FINDDD THEEMMMMMMMM

18:52 NOOOOOOOOOO

18:53 AHHHHHYHHHHH SHIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT

19:03 ahhh yes hyperventilation

19:22 no

19:26 denial

19:48 shouldn't everyone be able to hear her pained wail

19:54 badly like it went like shit like thank fucking god they found out but also it's the worst thing ever

20:25 such great expression of emotions is shown

21:09 yes escaping an evil cult canabil type farm shit will be EXAXTLY like playing tag yes great splendid why was i ever worried i might as well stop watching this series now because you can defeat all of your problems with the ability's you have attained from tag

21:12 SOMMMEEBODDDYYSSSSS EEVVEEESSSDROOPPPINGHGGH

21:17 HOT FUCKING SHIT ON A STICK THAT SCARED ME

21:29 SHITTTTTTTTT

#anime #humor #spoilers #deamons #conny #the promised neverland #monsters #noise #sound #the way the story uses sound is incredible #act natural

13 notes · View notes

thelillzmonster · 7 years

Text

bad | 06

↳ He was the cliché bad boy. He was the guy you couldn’t stand. He was the handsome, good-looking young man who made girls swoon for just a touch. He was a brat. You had never liked him one bit, but you had also stayed out of his business. Until one day, when you were in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

pairing; jeon jungkook x reader (ft. kim taehyung)

genre; future smut, romance, fluff, angst(?), badboy!au

words; 5 125

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | coming soon ↠

A/N: here IT IS! for all you children who are waiting for smut, do not worry, I know. just be patient ;) remember, everything happens for a reason. don’t kill me for this.

Waking up in your bed on a Saturday morning, wrapped tightly in your comforting blankets, teasing sunlight shining in though the blinds, you couldn’t help but feel oddly satisfied. You had woken up from a surprisingly wonderful sleep, that left you wondering as to how you had managed to sleep so well.

That was your mistake.

Immediately when you thought back to falling asleep the previous night, you were reminded of the muscle-stiffening and nauseating feeling you had, lying up and unable to sleep because of the unexpected event at the party. The memory quickly brought back the uncomfortable and foreign feeling as you visibly tensed under your sheets.

The hope that it had all been a horrible nightmare quickly faded.

‘The fuck did I do..?’ You mentally scolded yourself, slapping a frustrated palm down on your forehead. ‘No, okay, okay..’ You tried to calm down. ‘He was just.. helping out. It’s nothing. Already forgotten.’ You lied to yourself with unconvincing words.

You weren’t sure as to why the memory was so vivid. His lips, his hands, his tongue. It was almost as if you could feel his touch when you thought back to it, making you jerk in shock.

“I need to wake up.” You spoke aloud, sitting up in your bed, taking deep breaths.

Wanting to quickly distract yourself from being reminded of the ‘traumatizing’ experience, you reached for your phone, only to see a big load of missed messages and calls from Minyoung. You got a brief sneak peek as to what some of them said.

Minyoung: (Y/N)!! wtf happened last nighht i cant remember shitt

Minyoung: did I do something stuupid holy shit what will jimin thin...

Minyoung: u shouldnt hav e abandoned me where were u u cant...

13 unread messages [9:47 AM]

3 missed calls [9:39 AM]

You gave out a lightly amused sigh, relieved that at least Minyoung didn’t seem to know about what you had done. Even though she kind of already knew what your plan was at that party, she had no idea who had been your victim and nobody had expected it to blow slightly out of proportion.

You quickly shook your head to rid it of the thought, deciding to answer all of Minyoung’s messages later and climbed out of bed with a drawn out yawn. If you were going to get through this day without freaking out, you would need a good start. Also known as, breakfast.

Quietly exiting your room, you were met by Hyeim on the couch, playing video games on your cheap, second-hand TV.

“Good morning.” You greeted, figuring that if you pretended like you were fine, you would eventually be fine.

“Morning.” She replied, glancing your way. But then she for some reason did a double take, eyes staring you down. You decided not to question it, considering Hyeim was an odd person in general, and tiptoed with feather-light steps to the kitchen.

You lazily prepared a piece of toast with butter and a small bowl of cereal before walking back to the living area, sitting down on the couch next to Hyeim.

She continued to play her game, but during every loading screen, she would glance at you with a somewhat suspicious stare. After eating your toast and almost all of the cereal, you couldn’t stand her antics any further.

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

Her gaze having been already on you, she quirked an eyebrow, the rest of her expression showing nothing but indifference, per usual.

“You came home before midnight yesterday, right?”

Furrowing your eyebrows in confusion - because that was not the question you had expected - you thought back to the night before.

“Uhm, yeah, I think so.”

She kept staring at you, which almost made you shiver. Her face was so blank she almost didn’t look human for a moment, behind those big, round glasses.

“So I’m guessing you didn’t hook up with anyone last night.”

Each word she spoke just pushed you deeper into confusion.

“Huh? Eh, no.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“What? Uhm, no, I don’t.”

“Then.. what are those?”

Your stare that was fixed on her was filled with nothing but utter confusion, until you followed her gaze and traced it to your neck. Quickly, your hand went to touch the area since you couldn’t see, and with wide eyes you put aside your unfinished bowl of cereal and took long strides to the bathroom.

‘No, please don’t be what I think it is.’

Flicking on the light, you stood leaned against the counter, eyes fixated on your reflection in the mirror. Before the light had even fully lit up, your gaze was immediately drawn to it. So horrifyingly visible and dark.

Hickeys.

Eyes widening to large saucers, your mouth fell agape, gaze locked on the dark purple and red marks covering most of the left side of your neck. It took a good minute of just staring at it before it actually sunk in.

‘That goddamn little piece of rank shit.’

Your stare turned into a distasteful glare accompanied by an annoyed scowl, palm feverishly rubbing at the marks, as if that would somehow make them less evident.

‘He was just supposed to make out with me, the prick! How did he make them so dark?! I’m gonna have to wear a scarf for fucking weeks! That goddamn fuckboy, I swear.’

In raw frustration, you groaned out a sound that was alike to a lion’s roar, hands brushing over your forehead and into your hair as you elbows leaned against the edge of the counter.

You told yourself that the reason you were so frustrated was purely because you would have to walk around with a bruised neck for awhile, but deep down you knew that wasn’t it. Even though it would cause people to give you questioning stares, the real reason why you were so annoyed was because of who had put them there. Simply because you hated that person, at least you thought you did. No, you did. You definitely did. Also, you couldn’t understand why he would put those hickeys there in the first place.

‘Maybe he got.. carried away?’

You shook the ridiculous thought out of your head with a sigh. No, of course he wouldn’t get carried away, considering you were the one he was making out with. He probably did it just to be a dick. Yeah, that was it.

With a last glare sent to the dark marks through the mirror, you walked out of the bathroom with a scowl on your face. Forgetting about the mistake from the previous night might have ended up being harder than you thought.

Somehow, being caught up in the chaos of your unclear thoughts and salty regret, you had completely forgotten about the fact that everyone would know what happened at the party.

It had dawned over you right before you were opening the main door to the hallway on Monday, met by a corridor filled with curious eyes and interested glances. The ice-cold shivers that ran through your body along with the hair-raising goosebumps wrapping around your skin, made you want to twirl right back around and walk the straight way home. But being someone who did not want to skip classes, you forced your feet to push you further in through the mass of judging people.

You would never understand why people cared or were so interested when it came to the school’s bad boy trio. But you had known that fact for a long time and should have known better than to get involved. Looking back at it, as sweet as it was getting revenge on Taehyung, it had not been worth it. You had just gotten yourself into deeper shit without knowing how to get out.

“(Y/N)..”

Upon hearing the low and scolding voice from behind you, another shot of panic burned through your veins. You turned around slowly, placing a tight smile on your face, chin dipping below the edge of your thick scarf.

“Hi, Minyoung.”

She did not look amused.

Your stupid self had figured it would be better if you didn’t tell her about your ‘accident’ because you saw no need to. That was before you realized she would obviously find out through everyone at school.

“Got something to spill?” She raised an eyebrow, arms crossed over her chest.

“Uh... I believe you already know everything you need to.” You replied sheepishly, though truthfully.

“What the hell, (Y/N)?” She exclaimed, the offense and disappointment in her voice making you taste the beginning of guilt at the tip of your tongue. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

You sighed.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking about the fact that everyone at school would know.”

“So, you just weren’t gonna tell me at all?”

“There was no reason for you to know.”

She frowned at that.

You turned around and picked up the History books from your locker, before shutting it, starting to walk along with Minyoung through the hallway.

“You did it for revenge, right?”

“Well, yeah, obviously. If I didn’t have a valid reason, I would never kiss him - let alone make out with him.” You scoffed in distaste.

“Then, I don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me? Like, wouldn’t you be thrilled to tell me something like that? How you played two fuckboys. Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jungkook.”

You stayed silent.

For some reason, her words took you off guard. Because she was right. You should have been ecstatic that your plan had worked and you had screwed with both boys that you despised so furiously. There was no reason for you to be embarrassed about it. So why were you?

Because you hadn’t found the kiss with Jungkook unbearable.

In other words, you had liked it.

An immediate pink blush crawled up your neck and spread across your cheeks at the thought, quickly rationalizing and blaming that fact on the alcohol you had consumed that night. Because as sober, there was no way you would enjoy any physical contact with that fuckboy. No way.

Minyoung sighed at the lack of a reply, deciding that it didn’t matter anymore. But then she frowned again.

“And what’s up with the scarf?”

You gulped.

“Uh.. My throat was burning this morning. Might be catching a cold.” You lied.

Maybe there was no reason to lie about the hickeys anymore, but you just didn’t want her to know that it had escalated so far to the point where he had actually managed to give you hickeys.

She shrugged in return.

Suddenly, silence ensued the corridor, despite it still being packed with students. You looked around, only to see everyone vigorously looking between you and something else ahead in the hallway. You followed their gazes and nearly froze in place when you saw Jungkook walking towards you.

For some reason, you couldn’t help but stare directly at him as the distance decreased, his eyes staring right back into yours. You could feel your steps had slowed down.

Your heartbeat sped up more and more by the second, and before you knew it, he was only feet away.

But right before he was to reach you, he looked away, straying slightly to the side, and walked right past you.

The feeling that hit you was the one you get when you expect someone to hit you, you expect the impact, but it never comes.

It was a kind of feeling of incompletion.

And as you kept walking down the hallway, Minyoung beside you, whispers slowly arising again, you wondered what the other feeling you felt was. Because despite it feeling very close to disappointment, that just couldn’t be it.

“So, I’ll give you the rest of class to work on your assignments. Find your partners.” Mrs. Song instructed, making everyone sigh in boredom.

You turned to Minyoung with a frown on your face, disappointed that she would have to move seats. And your project partner wasn’t even present.

She only shrugged apologetically before picking up her bag and books and moving to find her new place.

‘Great, now I have to work on it by myself.’ You internally complained, opening up your textbook and notes. But it only took you reading the first sentence on the page, before someone suddenly sat down next to you.

You looked up in confusion before your heart all but dropped at the face you were met by.

“Good morning.” Taehyung greeted with the hint of a smile on his face. His expression wasn’t nearly as cheerful as the one he had flaunted you with so many times before.

His hair was messy, but in the stylish kind of way. He was dressed in a pair of black ripped jeans and an eye-catching, blood-red jacket hung over his shoulders.

You didn’t know why a feeling similar to guilt started bubbling in the pit of your stomach. After all, he was the one who had led you on.

Face being painted with irritation, you looked away.

“What do you want, Taehyung?” You questioned, trying to make yourself sound as unfriendly as possible.

He huffed out the beginning of a chuckle.

“(Y/N), you already got your revenge on me. Why so aggressive still?”

You sighed.

“What do you want?”

You could feel everyone in class staring at you. The unwanted attention formed an uncomfortable atmosphere that made you want to just speed up time and end the class immediately.

You had managed to avoid all three of the guys for a couple of hours, and were planning to keep the winning streak until the end of the day. But as usual, luck wasn’t on your side.

“Jungkook told me the reason why you were mad.” He stated, making you look up at him again.

Unconsciously, your eyes shifted to look to the back of the class to find Jungkook, but you were taken aback when you were met by his gaze already on you. He had a solid poker face on and looked away the moment you caught him.

Uneasily, you turned to Taehyung again.

“So?” You asked.

“Why were you mad because I made out with someone else?”

Your eyebrows furrowed, a flaring anger starting to burn in your chest.

“What do you mean? I think you just said it yourself.”

He sighed.

“I didn’t know you thought we were exclusive, (Y/N). We never agreed to anything like that.”

“I know, Taehyung, but that’s not the point. The point is, you led me on.”

“I was flirting. I like you, which led to me hitting on you.”

“If it was just flirting, as if I was any other girl, why did you kiss me in the cafeteria, huh? Where everyone could see us. Why?”

The question took him off guard, making him close his mouth at the lack of an answer to give you.

“I heard you don’t like to be public about your hookups, or whatever. So, why’d you do that?”

He sighed again, looking away momentarily, as if to ponder for an excuse.

“I just wanted to.” He replied.

You rolled your eyes dramatically.

“Look, (Y/N); I didn’t sit down here to argue with you. I came here to sort shit out. I don’t want everyone to just keep holding grudges against each other. So, first of all, I’m sorry.”

Your eyes slightly widened at his words. That was not what you expected to hear.

“Honestly, I didn’t realize that you would be mad if you found out I had hooked up with someone else. But either way, I hurt you, and I am sorry for that.”

His words sounded sincere, and the look in his eyes only further supported that they actually were.

But you refused to be fooled. Someone like him probably had lots of training to trick girls into believing he felt sorry for something, even though he didn’t. He was still just looking to get into your pants.

“Sorry, Taehyung. Fooled me once, but not twice.” You stated, sporting a look of distaste.

He let out a deep sigh, one hand brushing through his ridiculously soft-looking hair.

“Ahh, I can’t believe you’re making me do this, (Y/N).”

You tilted your head in confusion.

And the next thing you knew, he was standing up, letting the chair screech loudly against the floor as he did so, and turned his body to face you before getting down on one knee.

Your eyes bulged out of your head, hearing how the previously working students had grown eerily quiet, all of them turning to look at the scene that was about to take place.

“What the fuck are you doing?” You questioned, making him smile at you.

“(Y/F/N),” He started, voice loud and clear. “I apologize for being a shitty and cunty fuckboy, and for hurting you in the process. Please forgive my sins and accept my sincere apology.”

Snickers quickly erupted in the classroom.

“Kim Taehyung, get back in your seat!” Mrs. Song ordered from the other end of the classroom.

“I will not until (Y/N) accepts my apology.”

“For fuck’s sakes, Taehyung, get up.” You told him, leaning over to grab him by his crimson jacket to pull him up.

“Am I forgiven, (Y/N)?”

“Yes, yes, fine, I forgive you. Now, get up.” You caved, making him grin in a satisfied manner, following your request and sat back atop the chair.

He kept his grin as he looked at you, whispers and giggles sounding throughout the room.

“Jesus Christ, Taehyung.”

He chuckled.

“I really am sorry, though. You know I am. You’re cool, and I wanna keep you as my friend.”

“Fine, I believe you. Just, sit there and don’t move.”

He smiled, making you look away because you almost felt a smile of your own teasing at your lips.

“So,” he spoke, leaning his elbows on the desk towards your side of the table. “Are you free tomorrow?”

You immediately shot him a questioning gaze.

“Taehyung, I am not going on a date with you.”

He let out a breathy chuckle.

“No, I’m not asking you on a date. Just to hang out. As friends. You have to, ‘cause now all my guy friends are gonna make fun of me because of what you did. You owe me, (Y/N).”

You sighed, thinking over whether you should actually agree or not. In the end, what could possibly be so harmful about it.

“Fine.”

His smile broadened.

But then his phone suddenly started ringing, vibrating against the desk. The both of you glanced down to look at it, to see the name ‘Yoongi’ displayed on the screen.

He sighed, giving you an apologetic smile.

“Sorry, gotta take this.”

And then he was walking out of the classroom, bringing the phone to his ear as he exited through the doorway.

'Yoongi? Where have I heard that before?’ You pondered.

But you were pulled out of your wonder when you suddenly remembered the person sitting at the back of the classroom. You couldn’t refuse the temptation to look back at Jungkook, and when you did, his gaze was once again already fixed on you.

But this time, he didn’t look away. His glare was boring right through your eyes, eventually making you turn away in discomfort.

An unwelcome shiver ran through your body as you still felt him looking at you. You couldn’t help but wonder, if you had only dug yourself deeper into a hole.

You lazily packed your laptop back into your bag, being the only source of sound in the otherwise empty library. You had stayed in school till late at night, finishing your next English essay in time, being that your grade was falling and you needed to work harder if you wanted to pass the class.

It was almost eight at night, and you were exhausted after an entire day of people staring at you and gossiping about you. Taehyung’s stunt in the classroom had only worsened the whispers and pointing of fingers, but you were still glad that you no longer had to be mad at him, despite how weird that might sound.

It had been surprisingly easy to forgive him, but having wondered about it and questioned it all day, it felt like you made a good decision. Because he genuinely seemed to be sorry and he was right that it was better if nobody had to hold any grudges. After all, he had been the bigger person, considering when you had conflict with him, you had resorted to revenge, whilst he had resorted to verbally sorting the situation. Maybe he wasn’t as immature as you thought he was. And that was why you had forgiven him.

His apology hadn’t come from a fuckboy; it had come from a normal human being. And he had apologized to you openly in front of the whole class. He wouldn’t have embarrassed himself like that unless he meant it.

The hallways were uncomfortably empty and you might have looked over your shoulder a couple of times as the motion-censored lights flickered off behind you. There really was no one else there, proven by the lack of any sound or any motion other than your own.

Chilly breezes of air bit your skin when you opened the doors outside and you quickly felt the urge to just be at home as soon as possible. So, you quickly skipped down the small set of stairs and started walking with long and hasty steps. But you hadn’t noticed that your phone was slipping out of your pocket, and didn’t hear the sound of it hitting the ground because of the wind wheezing in your ears.

You only made it a couple more steps before you were stopped by someone calling out to you from behind.

“Hey, you!”

You were lightly frightened and felt your chest jerk at the sudden shout and turned around, feet stopping your steps.

Your eyes landed on a guy, not much older than you, with pale, milky skin and hair that had been bleached a few times too many. He was wearing a long, black coat and ripped jeans, cigarette in one hand as he bent down to pick something up from the ground with the other.

“Yes?” You questioned, noticing the group of three other guys, standing a little further away by the wall, also smoking.

“You dropped your phone.” He explained as he straightened his legs again, holding your phone up for you to see while meeting your stare.

Your eyes widened for a second when you recognized the device and quickly started walking to him.

“Oh! Thank you very much.” You said, letting a relieved smile play at your lips. You could see how the man eyed you up and down as you got nearer, making you slightly more conscious.

You started breathing out when you reached him, but were surprised when he drew his hand away to behind his back when you were about to take the phone from his hand. His gaze darkened as he only stared at you, not explaining his behavior.

You cleared your throat uncomfortably.

“Excuse me, could I have my phone, please?”

He only smirked in return, making a shiver run up your spine.

“What’s your name, sweetheart?”

You could feel your bones already starting to shake in fear, the unwavering stares of the other boys not helping at all.

“I believe that’s irrelevant. Could I please have my phone back now, sir.”

His smirk only widened. You didn’t want to show that you were afraid, but you couldn’t help but feel small as a mouse under his dark glare.

“Well, I believe if you want your phone back, you should tell me your name.”

You hesitated, the two of you only standing still, looking at each other with locked gazes.

‘What could possibly be harmful about him knowing my name?’

“My name’s (Y/N). Now, the phone.”

To your dismay, he only grinned when you gave him what he had asked for, his hand not moving from behind his back.

He smoothly took a drag of his cigarette, making you hide your mouth and nose in your scarf to avoid the sickening smell when he exhaled.

“You listen well.” He simply said, smile reappearing on his face.

“Could you be kind and give me my phone now, sir.”

He quickly grinned again, leaving a nauseous feeling to tease at your chest.

“And you’re cute, too.”

“This is very inappropriate. I want my phone back, please.” You determinedly stretched your hand out toward him.

He only shifted his gaze between your hand and your face a couple of times, before sighing.

“How about this? I give you your phone back..” He started, voice steady and low. “.. if you give me something in return.”

As he finished, he took another step closer to you, making you quickly falter and clutch your hands to your chest.

“Sir-”

“Don’t be afraid, (Y/N). I won’t do anything bad, okay?”

“Please, stop.”

“But, cutie, don’t you think it would work out. It’s a fair trade. And you should be punished for being careless and dropping your phone like that.”

“Sir, stop. I don’t want to.”

“But I-”

“Yoongi!”

The voice came from someone behind you, and you were initially even more frightened.

‘Yoongi?’

“Leave her be.”

But as the voice spoke again, the familiarity of it made warm relief blanket your entire being.

“Hmm,” Yoongi hummed, a displeased expression molding onto his defined features. “Nice to see you, too, Jungkook.”

At his words, you finally found the courage to whip your head around and your tense shoulders visibly relaxed when you were indeed met by Jungkook.

“I’m glad you decided to join us.” Yoongi spoke again, voice dripping with sarcasm as he took another drag of his cigarette. Meanwhile Jungkook made his way to stand beside you.

Instead of responding with words, he only stretched his hand out to Yoongi, both you and the latter understanding exactly what he was asking for. Yoongi gave a breathy chuckle at the other’s action, reluctantly bringing the phone out from behind him and placing it into Jungkook’s hand, finally.

Jungkook turned to you and gave you the device immediately - which you clutched tightly between your fingers once your hands were on it - before he turned back to Yoongi.

“Don’t fuck with her, Yoongi, okay?”

Yoongi eyed you again, then looking back to Jungkook.

“Why? She’s your girlfriend or something?” He chuckled.

“No.” Jungkook quickly replied. “Just, leave her alone, okay?”

“Chill, Jeon, you know I was just messing around.” Yoongi grinned, sending another shiver through your spine.

“Whatever, Yoongi.” The boy from beside you sighed. “Come on, (Y/N). Let’s go.”

You happily listened to Jungkook, still in aftershock from the whole situation.

As the two of you paced away from Yoongi, you couldn’t help but glance back once, before you would turn behind the gate. You were met by the sight of him still staring straight at you, taking another drag of his cigarette. You wished then, that you would never have to meet him ever again.

Both of you were silent as you had turned onto the sidewalk, until you finally managed to speak.

“Thank you.”

He slowed down at your words, you following in pursuit. The two of you turned to each other, his gaze meeting yours for the first time since the whole encounter.

“Thank you for saving me,” You continued. “I-.. I was so scared, thank you.”

“Mm,” He hummed. “It’s whatever. He wouldn’t have actually done anything to you. I know him. He’s just sick and likes scaring girls like that.” He scowled.

You couldn’t help but notice suddenly that his belt was undone, but disregarded it.

“Still, I was so fucking scared. Thank you, Jungkook.” You said, managing a small smile to appear on your lips.

“Why’d you forgive him?”

Your eyebrows furrowed at that.

“Huh?”

“Taehyung.”

Your eyes widened, being taken off guard by his words.

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you forgive him?”

“Well... What does it matter? I’m tired of being angry and he apologized. And why do you care?”

He shrugged, a look of indifference suddenly appearing on his face.

“I don’t. It’s just weird. I mean, then what is the point of.. the party?”

You could feel a blush creeping up your neck as he mentioned the incident.

“At the time, I wasn’t planning on forgiving him.”

He sighed.

“You just.. shouldn’t have gotten me involved in your shit. Now Tae’s mad at me for breaking our rule. It was so unnecessary.”

You frowned.

“Wait, you’re mad that you had to make out with me a little?”

He let out a loud huff.

“It was just so unnecessary, (Y/N). You really shouldn’t have fucked me over for no reason like that. You literally made me shove my tongue down your throat for nothing. In front of everyone.”

Your eyes widened in disbelief. Was he being serious?

“Jungkook, are you dumb? You agreed to it, I didn’t make you do shit. Am I really that disgusting to you that you can’t live with the fact that we fucking kissed a little bit?”

You watched as his expression slightly softened.

“Is it that embarrassing to you that people know that you second based with someone like me? Am I that fucking ugly to you? You literally fuck anything with two legs, but someone like me is crossing the line?”

You knew that you were overreacting, but for some reason, you were hurt and couldn’t hold the fury back.

“(Y/N), I-”

“No, fuck you, Jungkook. You really are the heartless bastard I thought you were.”

“(Y/N)-”

“Kookie~” A high-pitched voice sounded, making both you and Jungkook turn your heads to the source of the sound.

Out of the opened door to the passenger seat of a car parked next to you by the sidewalk, a girl peaked her head out, with a childish pout on her face. You recognized her as Nayeon, a senior. Her hair was a mess, makeup smeared around her eyes, shirt hanging over one shoulder.

“Are you coming back?~”

It didn’t take long for you to connect the dots, and as your eyes shifted from her disheveled state to Jungkook’s opened belt, you knew what was going on.

‘So, that’s why he was at school to begin with.’

You watched as Jungkook sighed deeply, turning back to you, but you didn’t let him speak.

“Whatever, Jeon. Go have fucking fun with her. And don’t bother talking to me again.”

And then you were walking away without another word, your heart somehow feeling heavier than usual as it tightened in your chest.

[MAR 1 - 2017 11:46 PM]

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i-amusemyself · 7 years

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All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

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notaplaceonearth · 5 years

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It seems to me like those that love you... being there during these times would be so crucial. If they dont love you during times of trial, whats the point? Shouldnt being around love/having love in your heart make things somewhat better?

I’ll try my best not to sound condescending as I explain this, but to be honest it really sounds like this is coming from someone who doesn’t understand chronic depression or BPD. Also, This is only true for me, because everyone has different experiences.

It is crucial to stay near those who care about you. But it is the hardest part of relapsing, to me. Because it’s probably true that they do love me despite everything that’s going on, but there is such a deep-seated fear of abandonment that I have. It makes love impossible. Friendships, relationships, family-- right now, as I skip meals and take boiling hot showers and hide under the blankets to cry, I am heavily encumbered by the fear that I am TOO MUCH for them. That I’m too sad, or that I’m trying to hard to pretend to be happy, or that I’m too annoying, while ALSO being afraid that I’m not Enough. Not sad enough to be believable, not happy enough to be around, not interesting enough... but most of all it just boils down to the fact that I hate myself, plain and simple. I honestly believe that nobody SHOULD like me. So now that I’m becoming a burden, becoming toxic, however people phrase it, it hurts to hear “I’m so sorry,” or “it’ll be okay,” or “I’m here for you”...

That was rambly and probably didn’t make sense. but I hope maybe someone read it and felt less alone in how they felt, or maybe learned something.

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iamprish1-blog · 7 years

Text

I have always felt defeated in life, lost not knowing my ‘purpose’ or meaning in life, I think this once abandoned space can prove it all. However, since the past weekend, I think a huge part of me has changed, something I can’t put into words has happened in me.

It was last Friday 23rd of June 2017, when i came home around 12 or 1pm and I saw she posted on instagram that her dad had passed away, i was shocked and found it hard to believe, just a day before that she was thankful for the miracle her dad almost missed death. but that day I was so sad that i cried loool....i cried because i realised a few things, 1: my crush for her was really foolish it was a meaning that is meaningless because there’s nothing i could do to comfort her or anything.. i do not know her, 2: from the text message she shared on instagram i could tell god has taken away a great man/father and its so so so unfair and she really had such a great blessing to have had a father like that! she always said that her family is estranged but she doesnt know its not at all... maybe they didnt always agree with each other but it was still a very beautiful family 3: there’s nothing i could do...and i really wished that i could exchange my life for her dad’s...because at this point in my life i dont have anything thats precious to me and i dont have anything i look forward to...besides my petty dream of buying 1 or 2 audi with cold hard cash...which got me thinking if it were anyone else would i wanna do this obviously nope i wouldnt...and this thought really scared me that why on earth would i have thoughts like this???? then i remember i think i used to say like i would exchange a few years of my life for love LOLOLOL WTF like seriously i just wanna punch myself in the face/body/anywhere i totally regret saying something like that...and im not sure if i would regret saying this...honestly i wouldnt even exchange my life for my parents’ and thats for sure but zac maybe yeaaa

actually last week i deactivated the fb account which i created just to stalk her, but somehow after the news i reactivated it cause i wanna know if she shares any stories on fb...but who knew that the next day she posted for the funeral service...and till today im still curious why she shares her fb posts for everyone to see...she shouldve at least only share the details to her fb friends cause she wouldnt want to message everyone about it...but maybe i should be grateful for that cause obviously i went for all 3 days ! at first i only i wanted to attend on monday...cause its weird for me to even be there like why on earth should i go!! but of course knowing me i have always been sooo sooo sooo so obsess with her... i just went i mean like i dont even know why i went because i wouldnt do something like this at all what more to attend your crush’s father’s funeral?????!!!!!! its so ridiculous i didnt even go to saint’s open house when i was actually invited twice.....and now i attended to someone’s dad funeral when I have NEVER MET THEM OR KNOW THEM AT ALLL?????????? oh yeaa and i actually unfollowed her on insta but then re-followed her again cause i was so afraid she would make her page private and i wouldnt know anything that fear was seriously real lol

it might sound totally ludicrous but i actually felt like there’s some sort of ‘force’ or what that made me go there...i didnt hesitate much not as much as i thought...i was only worried that she might see me and then that would annoy or anger her....however, maybe at first i gave the excuse that i can finally see her...but then it felt more like i just want to be there...i just wanted to be there i dont even know why...the first night i went i was late to appear right at the parlour, so i missed her eulogy, but i was glad cause i could give myself the excuse to come again...the first moment i saw her i felt a sense of relief i think, nothing like anything too much of emotions, but once i was there i just wanted to be there even more....just awhile after i was standing right outside the corner window i saw just waving at first i thought she was like waving at me or what lol cause she was looking at my direction, i couldnt see well cause the windows were tinted and kinda blurry...but then i thought oh she must be waving at someone from the crowd cause she doesnt even know me lol...and then i left early once people starting to queue to pay respect to her dad, i wanted to stay longer but there’re toooo many people soon the sight of her was buried in the crowd...so i left cause i saw her friend and i panicked a bit...the funny thing must be...when i arrived quite early for malaysian timing i stood in between juncture in front....i made myself looked like i was attending the one on the right and kept my head down sticking my eyeballs to my phone...then like around 830 i was like i gotta do something...so i just tried walking towards the right i wanted to see whats behind....thank god i walked till behind and found their room...there’re so many people standing outside but once i heard someone talking i just couldnt care much and stood right infront of the window...then i saw her with her sisters...and of course all the people outside must be think im so weird cause now they know im here for the same person lol i was quite embarrassed for that....but then the next day while waiting at the airport for boboy to arrive....its sooo long i was thinking sooooo much i wondered hmmm why did she only wave to the person at that time wouldnt she see them earlier already??? haizzzzz i was just tooo confused

the second night i went and i was shocked to see when i arrived that there’re no people standing outside...but this time i didnt take the back road...and when she was presenting her eulogy i stood in front of the door only cause theres where i could hear clearer from the outside, i couldnt hear everything she said tho...just she mentioned about now her definition of sadness is different and she almost almost burst out crying and after that i heard something like ‘you know.... someone to walk us down the aisle’....when she finished i asked the worker to help me give the money cause i didnt want to go inside cause i know i shouldnt even be there...but when i walked towards the window where i was standing the previous night...i think i saw her head turning towards where i was going....she must have felt confused like whats happening and of course i think by then she must be wondering who the hell is this person! and so i gave the money with my nickname zenn....cause i thought it would seriously wayyyyy toooo stupid and moronic if i used a fake name like seriously i just couldnt lol... and then when i was standing there i think she was looking at me cause her head was like at my direction but just didnt know if her eyes were on me or what....and then i did something seriously dumb i thought that for her to not see me i could just hide my face behind all the photos hanging there...but then it only laterrrr i realised that from HER PERSPECTIVE she would still see me cause ughhhh like seriously cant believe im SOOOOOO DUMBBBB!!!! ohh and then at one point when her sister walked behind to take something or what she followed behind too....so means i could have see her standing right in front of me but then i turned around cause like of course i was afraid she would like know which now i realise its all soooooo stupid cause i mean like seriously its sooooo bloody obvious i was looking at her the whole time...but then im not sure if she knew who i am.....when people were like paying respect to them i was standing on the other side of the window means i was standing behind them, and then suddenly i think i saw her friend looking at my direction cause i was like the only weirdo standing outside looking inside! but then actually i still cant be too sure cause i was standing quite a distance and i couldnt see well through the blurry window and then i got panicked more and ran away lolol....but i was glad that there’re a lot of people giving them comfort SO MANY HUGS LOL! sometimes i wish i could hug her lolololollll

on monday it was the funeral service in the morning, and i think the timing was right from the beginning cause papa was already planning not to go to site on monday, so i had no reasons not to go....and again i just felt like i gotta be there...and this time i went inside and sat at the last row which then after that i saw the guy i was sitting next to was actually her friend lol cause he hugged her...and then he was with her other friends....and then i was like damnit! damn i miss one thing....her family went to calvary church...i think i heard that since the first night but didnt bother so much....but then on the second night when a pastor was like giving his short speech....i had my head on the ground cause you know standing for so long is back breaking and tiring plus i have working so hard at the site :( but then suddenly a familiar voice had my head raised up....i looked through the blurry window and thought is that the very very very very fussy pastor????? ok so i just googled yep the pastor should be pastor richard that one i know...but im not sure if the one there was the same....however its on monday pastor steven that really made me think was i really meant to just be there? cause again most of the time my head wasnt looking straight up except when her sister was singing and damn her voice is greattttttt i dont think any chinese can sing sooooo well!!!! even betterrrr than jacklyn victor or something lol! too bad she isnt a singer....but then again too bad im not a film star when im so funny i could be the chinese gianna jun lolol HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHAHAHA ok pls prisha! right....the pastor his voice was so so so familiar and comforting like i just heard it yesterday not like literally but like just recently, which is weird cause its been yearss since i last attended to calvary and thats before they moved, plus have i even been there more than 50 times??? lol! idk but now i really want to hear his voice again cause its like reassuring...and im not sure if i could remember voices or its just that pastors’ voice is more anointing to the ears.....and also there’s another pastor who share the story her dad made him a charger thing....its really weird cause i never expected to remember pastors faces cause theyre all like old men right all look almost the same....but then i know i will never hear pastor steven’s voice again cause i will not go to such a huge convention center it just doesnt feel like a church thats so commercialised....tho dumc hall kinda big too...but then i now realise i really prefer their voices more than the pastors in dumc lolol i think im weirder than the person who married eiffel tower lel

anyways when i was sitting down i turned behind and saw some of the pictures there, i knew i could easily walked up and take a closer look at all the pictures, but i didnt cause i know i didnt have the rights or deserve to do that, just like how i wish i could have the chance to see her dad but i couldnt, there’s no reason for me to. i wonder if anyone believes that true love can actually transcends space...no doubt i could feel the unconditional love he had in him...i mean i didnt need to listen to all the testimony to know like seriously his face showed it all ! ! ! one thing for sure i definitely felt inspire that i would like to dedicate all my faithful love to someone...i dont know who it will be or what will actually happen in my future....but i know i will wait patiently for the person to show up....it makes me wonder if she actually has TOOOO much love in her that she sorta a player tho HA HA AHAA....ok jokes i shouldnt tease people when their loved one just passed away....but i know even if i have way tooo much in me i would still only give it to one person, there will always be room for only one in my heart....maybe its also why now i just feel like shutting myself out from the world....i dont even feel like talking to shalinn i mean i wanted to at least remain some kind of acquaintance and go to their final studio presentation....but now i really cant....i dont know how to process what im feeling is too weird i need time to forget this i need time for my prayers to come true then only can i open my heart.....meanwhile i will do whatever i was planning to do slowly and hopefully the day i stopped stalking her will come soon.....truth is im kinda frustrated too...i dont get why is it that i felt like there’s some sort of i dont ‘spirit’ or whatever shit pushing me to go there....but god doesnt even bother to tell me WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT WITH MY LIFE!! i just want the feeling whereby it just flow and its smooth and everything feels right....because i didnt have anxiety at all when i was there, just nervous cause first time going to a place where no stranger would ever go is seriously something lel! and maybe a bit of panic and trying to run away trying to hide which all didnt work didnt make sense lolol...like when after her dad casket were inside to be cremated...her friends were like walking out and coming towards my way, i panicked that i was like damnit now i gotta go for real...but then i was so nervous i missed the entrance just on my left then walked a round and then got shocked confused why the hell i came back to the same place....and seriously at that moment i thought i was gonna faint cause the weather was bloody scorching hot and i had a cap on and i didnt eat breakfast and i was confused like where the hell is the exit??????? but then i ha d the chance to stay longer like to look at her lololol like seriously damn stupid...till the end i finally leave when more people were leaving

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