I hope she comes

Damnittttt I'm worried what if she reallyyyyy shows up tomorrow?!?!?! What iffffff!!! I mean like it's gonna be soooo awkward !!!! She won't righhttttt why am I feeling so nervous?!???! I'm not confident at alll ahahahahah hahahaha I'm soooooo shyyyyy she wonttttttt she wontttttttttttt she won't show up!! But my heart keeps feeling like she will what on earthhhh!!!!!! Omgggg I'm nervous just thinking about it wthhhhhhh!!!!

I can't stop thinking bout her and my head won't stop hurting now I hope it's really just because I didn't dry my hair all the time

I'm sad that my prayers not answered yet

I can't believe I masturbated thinking of her! :(( nowadays I don't even look at her pics or even got the hots seeing her in bikini.... but my mind thought of her seriously I can't fucking believe this!!!! I don't even find her pretty or anything these days like since quite long ady.. maybe I don't have anyone to think about?????? But still I hate myself and feel disgusted by this if she knew I think it's worseeee.... but what's really interesting when I imagine it she actually wearing clothes LOL WTF.... I think I really hate seeing her in bikinis like she does it so often it's not even attractive anymoreeee! I think I like to see her covering up her skin more lol too bad there isn't any except for one or two maybe that's why I don't actually check out her instagram so often cause it's all so idk boringggggg she's boring all she sends out is sex spirit to the whole world.... like she looks so different in the pic with her dad.... come to think of it now it looks totally like a different person compared to the others.... when I saw her she looked different tooo compared to others..... weirddd her face really change according to her mood is it???? The more I say I wanna make my heart pure then I think of things like this T______T criesssssssssssssssssssssss

I'm certain that I'm still gonna go to Chicago and find her.... though now I'm so lazy uninterested to talk to Juliet.... it's like every ounce of me is letting go of this perfect dream. But I tell myself she must be something that makes me STILL wanna get to know her so much.... in the entire world I'd not want to as sincere genuine and true as I will be to her.... I mean yea shalinns my good friend as well.... but it's just too different.... Juliet is idky somebody of trust with ALL my heart all my soul.... I can't believe she's so powerful who can give people this kind of feeling.... looking around on the internet where everybody exposes themselves and smiling they all seem like really scary people.... people one cannot trust and be real with.... but her she's different.... she guards herself so much and yet so open to the world... that's really the beauty of the soul Even if I don't have feelings for her lol... that's not gonna stop me to make her belong in my life. Even if I'm very lazy and don't feel like talking to her now lol I'm not gonna let go of this girl of this kind soul

I don't even know since when I don't have those stupid feelings in me... just that I think of her... something I can't really make sense of this...I can't figure why I wanted her when I don't have those feelings Anyways even though I never knew her like literally... I can feel the kind of person she is.... it's true that she ain't friendly... but her drive and directions in life she had before and now are totally different... maybe her dads death had made a huge impact... got me wondering will she ever become the person I admired again? I think it's kinda amazing that I can see so much in a person through their facial expression... even when they're smiling each smile isn't really the same... orrrrrrr am I just thinking tooo much lolol!!! I used to tell shalinn how great she is....now I'm seriously thinking I didn't know her WHAT WAS SO GREAT ABOUT HER?!?!??!?!!?!!! WHAT A MYSTERY!!!! I always thought she's kinda sophisticated I wonder if she still is.... sighhh why am I even thinking about all this??!!! Lolol When is she like seriously gonna like STOP reading what I tweet lehhhhh!!!! But at least she's happy right that's most important... unlike me I like that I'm improving in life... but I don't feel truly happy... recently I've been thinking what's my dream? Since young my dream was to be an architect. But after that like now the things I do I just wanna make sure I reach a goal financially that's all... so there seems to be only one thing... to be in love and happy and travel the world with my loved one.... can I please have better dreams??? Maybe like design my own house and build it in a beautiful place somewhere in this world.... I don't know maybe like Tenerife island? Is that too far? Maybe in Zaros? Ahhh all the places I'm thinking are in Europe.... so I guess my goal is to buy a house in Europe overlooking the ocean! I don't really feel excited or something whenever I think of Juliet.... idky but whatever I already told her I'm gonna go find her to get to know each other better so yeaaaaaaa definitely gonna look forward to that. I shall just continue with my work haizzzzzz forever working slowerrrr than a tortoise ughhh!!!!

I'm thinking of her now.... I wonder why maybe I'm curious about her.... like really truly wonder what kind of person she is.... I'm intrigued by her.... this time for a very different reason... like what's her heart like? And I can't really trust my intuition on this... sometimes I think she's evil but maybe with a lil nice part in her.... but I really wonder.... hmmmm I know I shouldn't think about her Like now I know I don't actually like... like her... cause yea I don't feel the whatever it's my heart felt LOL like wth its so meaningless lel.... but I wanna know her.... just to know a bit about her... but yea not that much to be friends... cause like idk I think it's better to be safe... so yea don't think can be friends... sure she wouldn't want to.... ohh yea I don't like her.... but I actually kinda think of her like almost still all the time lel... tho I don't check her instagram as often as I used to... still I think quite often lol... hmmmm I just can't believe I wonder what kind of person she is... but yea thank god I don't have those feelings.... still I hope i could have her but that's just me being immature.... maybe I should watch videos of her again to confirm this lolol But then again just now I cried I wasn't thinking of her phewwww so yea it's impossible I like her.... but then I'm soooo sure I don't like Juliet too... it's either I gonna make her into me..... or she enjoys people into her and she thinks I am.... but sorry babyyy.... ain't gonna happen...but I feel like yea she doesn't mind dating me lololol.... I think now I know why she says she's a wild flower she has a wild and big heart or maybe she likes someone who's like me overly and unreasonably and stupidly romantic.... whatever it is lah... just let it flow... good thing the energy between us has been good flowing and positive and natural.... lel I should've opened my eyes wider next time!!!!

I can't believe she knows Chinese :O what the fuckkk all the while I thought they're a lot of Chinese tweeters on twitter ishhhhhh!!!!! I can't wait for the day I'll see her again Meanwhile I gotta keep thinking about Juliet lololololol.... it's already Feb I've got like around 5-6months to prepare myself for USA lol.... i realise whenever I think about her I get soooo unproductive :(( like if I think what Juliet said to me I feeel happyyy but then I gotta consciously think about it How did I even started thinking about her this is so driving my crazy I mean like nowadays I don't want to want her Hmmmm I'm crazyyyyyy whyyyy did this even happen!!!!!!!

Idky but somehow when I focus on juliets smiles and happiness like just keep thinking about it... my thoughts swift away from her again... and this makes me more peaceful and happy cause like I won't go crazy... or anything I just don't wanna think of her... so yea every single moment I just gotta think of her face smiling and my promise of going to USA then I feel like normal phewww.... I mean like reading articles makes me realise yeaa all the people I have crushes on they won't even talk to me.... but only Juliet talks to me and even sees the good in me.... tho I don't have a crush on her... like for real lol... and i always feel sad when the people I have crushes on like someone else or in a relationship... but idk lahhh why I'm even saying this but I don't mind Juliet dating whoever or anyone flirts with her also i don't mind leh... okayyyy like for real I don't have those feels for her... but I think the one for me gotta be like her.... cause I just feel like if someone likes her and wanna date her I just feel like those old couples have so much faith in themselves they just ask their partner to go ahead cause they know their partner will not like another one lololol... yea I think this is literally the best kind of relationship LOL... plus Juliet also inspired so much in me to have a better heart and kinder but also be honest and straight forward towards others... and like I have the kind of thoughts that I don't keep thinking about her or check her page religiously I just do my thing while thinking of the happy days we will spend like I don't know whatever wherever but I don't like her I like her personality her as a person.... I just the person I fall in love with will be like her but maybe not her lolol ahahahah

Somehow it just feels like the her in the videos is a totally diff person than the one one her insta pics... like idk face kinda look diff too... and shockingly I remembered she actually look better on her dads funeral than most of her pics... lol.... why am I even thinking about this????!!!!!! Idk man maybe this is why I'm still single!!!!! Ughhhh wtfff criesssssssss.... god pls make her make her insta profile private I literally go to her profile like 5 thousands times a day this is not even exaggerating a bit!! I seriously gotta thank god our paths don't cross man.... or else I'm gonna have such a hard time every time bumping into each other... like I don't get it I don't want her at all sometimes I feel like should I keep sending her messages on twitter but then I was lol no itsss like so stupid so useless like I'm not interested but watching those videos literally changed how I feel wahh this girl her voice spits out sex hormones is it???? Wtfff my god now I can't stop thinking about it good lord wthell!!!

Utter disappointment in myself!! I can't believe watching that video can make me change the thought of her.... what the fuckkkk!!!! Ok whatever I just gotta acknowledge she has some good in her everybody has it.... but I really hate myself for feeling this way.... like wow I can't believe I think if I watch it one more time I can have a crush on her all over again so yea somebody gotta really idk hit me with a metal ball on my head???? Ughhhh I can't believe after she scolded me so many times I still like walaoo idk do I even deserve this lifeee???!! I can't wait to leave this country!!!!

What the fuck someone dislike her video on the next academy YouTube page lol!!!! Which fucking idiot??!!!! But it's ok am gonna like it sighhhhhh I fucking hate myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKK.... I definitely cannot see her lah.... will die from falling head over heals man!!!!! Omggggff god whyyyyyyyy

Omggg somebody pls killllll meeeee!!! What the fuck why is it SO DIFFICULT TO GET HER OFF MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk oh my goddddd where are you????? I'm making so much effort in moving forward creating a better future the one that will make our dreams come true.... and yet this little devil in me is thinking of her what the fuckkkkkk..... I was like how come I SSSTILLLL KEEP THINKING OF HER.... so I went to the next academy page and watched her video less than 10s hearing her voice my heart literally couldn't take it..... the fuckkkk my heart was beatin so fast cibai!!!!!!!! So I just close it walaoooooo which devil is residing in me sabotaging my life like thissss?!!?!!!!! OH MY GOD JESUS WHWRE ARE YOU PLS HELP!!!!!

Thinking hard if I should just delete tumblr app on my phone and then all this blogs... I will no longer be able to access them :( Idky maybe it's just a bad habit I can't stop checking her instagram... and sometimes I still check if she unblock me totally lol I deserve to be punched in the face with a meeting room glass table... sighhhh But I really don't want to ever think about her or whatever... this is so hard I mean thinking if I should delete this app... not thinking of her is not hard I guess but idky I still do... sighh but I know I can never allow someone like her to come into my life just like she wouldn't... the realization the kind of life I want the kind of person I am it can't happen being with someone like that idk her... but I don't know I realised one should be with someone you can adore like Really adore like an idol or hero... the only thing I like about her is that idk her spirit like she dropped out so many times but still managed to finish it and idk I don't wanna think about it But I realise I seriousllly adore Juliet to my very core... her ambitions her dreams her goals her love her humility her desires for adventures for people for cultures... her generosity her kindness her heart her inner beauty her outer beauty like woahhh to me she's just wowwww even the kind of guys she dated can tell she's mature and she knows who she is about life... not sure how she felt Danial with a guy now but still she has a free spirit... her openness to things to people I think it's also admirable... but I don't have even a slightest crush on her like the type of feelings I used to have for those crushes lel... but one thing for sure I know for sure I gotta have her in my life as a friend or whatever she must be in my life... wait a min she already is in my life Lol I hope this girl Brenda... that her life keeps her happy... looking back I feel so ashamed of myself so the only thing I can do is to pray hard she is happy and blessed like a lotttt! Of course god you know you gotta bless me and Juliet more hahahaha cause we are way too overly ambitious I can't wait to her my dreams not my goals cause they're no longer just staying in my mind there're gonna be in my plans in my days working out... I think at this point I feel so so so happy and content with life that I think I finally know the meaning people say vibe attracts yea I can see that the place where we wanna be in life are the same... I just can't wait for it... I have not a heck of idea how it's gonna happen but I know it will :) Idk if I should say this but me crushing on her is the biggest curse I've ever had in this life and I know it'll be last one...partly because it's so hard to get rid of the thought of her... yea tho I don't want or wish for her it's stilll hard :((

dear god, are these... foreshadows? if it is... may i ask for a different future?  why is the universe tryna pull me back to part of my past?! what is this ‘knowing’ that im feeling... is it even real... can i even know something for a thing that i have not see or know?

can i at least have an explanation for this very entangled fate... 

but why am i part excited and part avoiding? why am i even ‘excited’ when every time i see the names or things related.. i get worried like they are gums stuck on me which i cannot remove :/

God I need more strength and support than I expected to complete this... I wanna do it before we move :/ #whereisthelovejesus ?