#‘happy’ 11 years I GUESS. fuck my life man
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when I was drowning I thought about the light instead of the water, the accident instead of the ache.
— Yves Olade
#i found this quote from reading a httyd fic that wasnt even that long. maybe 5k words. and i cried FOUR FUCKING TIMES DURING IT#anyway. ive been stuck on this fucking quote for them ever since#I KNEW I COULDNT KEEP YOU FROM THE START. WHAT IF I THROW UP.#bbc merlin#merthur#merlinedit#‘happy’ 11 years I GUESS. fuck my life man
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these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone
#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably#bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice#and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me#bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to#did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really#likeable. so ill take what i can get#when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember#this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend#will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and#now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen#years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her#to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all#and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things#and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk#to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl#because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant#connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just#not have anyone forever#i guess#especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks#Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the#gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl#and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively#and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment
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so taylor has put out another hit piece against joe (who’s surprised)
after buying winning the TIME person of the year award 2023, and having a gushing puff piece that’s supposed to paint her as this trailblazer for women and feminist icon…
she made sure to dedicate a significant portion of it to talking about her boyfriends. 🙄
so here are the cringeworthy excerpts where she’s talking about her latest victim boyfriend.
“Football is awesome, it turns out. I’ve been missing out my whole life.”
I love how she single handedly debunked the claim that swifties have been making, that taylor ALWAYS loved football and was a huge eagle fan (just bc she had an eagles shirt). now it’s basically confirmed that this football shit is just taylor’s newest PERSONALITY that she’s gonna wear for a few months, until she gets bored of it, and then she’ll throw travis under the bus and she’ll start siccing her fans against him.
“This all started when Travis very adorably put me on blast on his podcast, which I thought was metal as hell.”
god, someone bring me a BARF BUCKET please. 🪣 🤮 and since when is it “adorable” for a guy to PUT YOU ON BLAST because you wouldn’t go out with him or take his number?? that’s… very weird. i’m sure she wouldn’t find it “adorable” if she wasn’t interested in the guy. but anyway, i’m pretty sure she just saw an opportunity here and she took it. she can’t handle being single for more than a month, she needed a new man to make people forget about her matty healy era. and she’s LOVING the good press she’s getting for being “America’s royal couple” as her fans are calling them. but does she actually LOVE HIM? that, I remain yet to be convinced about.
and I love this part. “We would never be psychotic enough to hard-launch a first date.”
yeah, taylor’s not CRAZY you guys, it’s not like she said “I love you” to matty healy on stage back in may before breaking up with him 2 weeks later. nah. it’s not like she immediately bought a house next to her teenage boyfriend connor kennedy who was STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL when she started dating him. nah. that would be CRAZY. PSYCHOTIC even!!
and here comes the part where she starts passive aggressively smearing joe and we all know she’s on a smear campaign against joe now but it’s kind of pathetic that even while winning PERSON OF THE YEAR she has to make it about that.
so taylor obviously has a lot to say about her new relationship, and how proud they are of each other. but you know what I DON’T hear her saying? “I’m in love” or “I’m happy with him.”
and personally, i think that speaks volumes. if she was truly HAPPY with her new man she wouldn’t be doing all this shit. if you were around when taylor broke up with calvin and then immediately started hard-launching hiddleswift, taking pap photo after pap photo and being extremely “happy” she was and meeting his mom and all that shit…. and if you don’t see the parallels between what she’s doing NOW with travis, you’re either a blind fan or just flat out stupid.
because at least when she started dating joe she actually left her exes alone (at least for a little while), she was like “I forget their names now.” and you can tell she was happy without having to make a big show of it- “nobody’s heard from me for months, I’m doing better than I ever was.”
but now she’s acting like it’s the worst thing ever that she was “locking herself in her house for a lot of years,” and she KNOWS that her fans are going to take that and blame joe for it.
JUST LOOK at the quotes and replies of this tweet and this tweet to see how those insane fucking swifties are acting over this. EVERYTHING she does now is an incitement against joe and she knows it, it’s deliberate, it’s calculated.
and i guess she’s gotta bury him while she continues hanging out with a sexual abuse apologist so she can look like she has some kind of moral high ground.
also, the way she’s trying to erase the fact that 11 of the 15 songs on reputation were LOVE SONGS about joe, not “a goth-punk moment of female rage at being gaslit by an entire social structure.”
this woman is just narcissistic and straight up DELUSIONAL at this point. she’s so far up her own ass it’s nauseating. but i really hope that she keeps on talking. because the more she talks, the more people realise what a narcissistic clown she is. 🤡
#anti taylor swift#shit swifties say#<<<< at the links if you dare to click them#taylor’s narcissism is not covert it’s OVERT at this point#i blame that one stupid fucking swiftie who tried to say that taylor was punk#taylor just set herself up so badly#joe alwyn#free joe alwyn#shit taylor says#goth punk my ass#reference post
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Day 5 Atsushi/Dazai w/ forced Proximity(stuck in a closet)
Notes: shut up ik that i already used a closet in the Fyodor one, but in this one the closet is more heavily featured, so there. Slowly but surely “Kinktober” has turned into “AtsushiFuckTober”. Maybe I should do that next year too.
Atsushi was grateful to Dazai, he owed the man his comfortable life, and that was a debt he would never be able to pay.
“Um Mr. Nakajima, please come this way.” A soft, feminine voice at his side, and Dazai was missing again.
He idolized the man of course, and recently, new feelings had been popping up, but for the love of god, he wished the man would quit trying to throw himself into every single body of water they came across. Be it a sink, or a bathtub, as soon as he spotted it, Osamu Dazai would make a break for the water, shouting gleefully about suicide, and Atsushi was rapidly loosing the little amounts of patience he had left.
It didn't help that their companion, a pretty woman by the name of Akari, who had graciously volunteered to lead them to their destination, had to also deal with the fallout. She smiled patiently, even as Atsushi dragged Dazai away from a fucking bathtub, for the hundreth time this evening.
He didnt know what was happening, and why Dazai had suddenly doubled his suicide efforts, and in the middle of a mission of gods sake, but as he dragged Dazai away from the barrely filled bathtub and down the carpeted hall, he bemouned his circumstances.
“I apologize, Miss Akari. He usually isn't this bad.” Miss Akari had to be an angel in disguise, because she just laughed a little, and gripped his arm leading him down the hallway. Dazai trailed behind them, rattling off suicide facts.
“At~su~shiiii~” Atsushi wonders if Dazai has been eating poisonous mushrooms again. “What, Dazai?”
Dazai giggles as they make their way down the chandelier lit hallway. “Did you know that on average, 1 person dies by suicide every 11 minutes in the US?”
“Dazai, we live in Japan.” Dazai ignores him, opening his arms dramatically, his bandages catching the light. “Oh how I long for the sweet embrace of death, how I crave the kiss of the underworld king, summoning me to my final embrace…”
Its weird actually, given how pretty Miss Akari was, Atsushi would have expected at least one invitation for double suicide, or at least a bad pickup line, but nothing, the whole night. It was strange, but Atsushi is just glad he doesn't have to apologize to Miss Akari for anything other than minor inconveniences. Dazai is talking again, but Atsushi tunes him out, instead focusing on the beautiful scenery surrounding them. They walk down a long hallway, lined with gold framed portraits of families. Crystal chandeliers hang from the ceiling, and the floor is carpeted in red velvet. The entire place screams money. Atsushi supposes that makes sense, their target is a very rich man after all.
Miss Akari is still clutching his arm, her gloved hands shaking slightly. She's very pretty, with long black hair and big, doe eyes with long lashes, dressed prettily in a pink dress with white gloves. And, given how she's just Dazai’s type, Atsushi seriously would have expected an invitation for double suicide.
‘Your skin is lily white, your eyes captivatingly beautiful, your long dark hair reminds me of the night sky, you would make me a happy man if you joined me on a double suicide.’ or something like that.
And then Atsushi would have to apologize to the poor woman, and she would probably run away screaming, and their mission would be ruined—
“Mr. Nakajima?” Atsushi startled, and sent her a small smile of apology. She continued, her voice as soft as a spring breeze. “I was just wondering about you. I hear you work for the Armed Detective Agency?” It's odd that she's asking about him, but Atsushi guesses she's just curious. He smiles, ignoring Dazai yet again. “Yes, as well as the bandaged idiot behind me.” She laughs, the sound like bells. Atsushi wonders yet again about the strange absence of double suicide invitations. “That must be hard work. You really are amazing!” She pressed close to him, her body pressed against his side, her hands still clutching his arm. She must be scared. Atsushi tries his best to send her a reassuring smile.
“It's not too hard, I'm lucky that I get to work with such amazing people.” She lets out a little giggle, her eyelashes fluttering as she looks up at him. “So, what's your ability? I'm sure it's amazing.” Atsushi laughs a little, she really is a kind person. “It's called Beast Beneath the Moonlight. I can transform into a giant white tiger.” She giggles again, clutching his arm. “Wow you're so strong, I feel so reassured now that i'm next to you.”
Atsushi is glad she feels safe, but then the suspicious lack of loud Dazai noises gets to him and he turns, and of course, Dazai is gone. He turns again, Miss Akari still on his arm. “I'm sorry, I have to find my colleague. Could you wait here for a minute?” She nods, her eyelashes fluttering again and Atsushi sends her a grateful smile. “Thanks, you're an angel.” When he leaves, he sees her leaning against the wall, her hands over her cheeks, smiling.
When he finds Dazai around the corner, once again trying to drown himself in a bathtub, Atsushi lets out a long, suffering sigh. “Dazai, that bathtub has no water in it.”
“Alas, i am simply imagining what it would feel like, the sweet embrace of the water—”
When Atsushi drags him back, Miss Akari is still waiting, like the patient person she is. Atsushi smiles at her as she takes his arm again, clutching it tightly as they walk through the gilded corridors, looking for their target. The faint sounds of music and laughter echo from upstairs, the occasional clink of glassware and silverware barely heard under the cacophony of noise downstairs. It's a dinner party, a family reuniting for a will reading and Atsushi can hear the arguments all the way up here. Miss Akari, a daughter of the dead woman, had requested they come, because she suspected someone would break in and attempt to kill the family, while they were all in one place. The family was an old money family with dealings with the port mafia, and Atsushi had asked why they didn't help but Akari had informed him that they didn't do that sort of thing. It made sense, he supposed.
Right now, they're supposed to be patrolling the upper hallways while the family ate, because Miss Akari was sure the person wouldn't strike until after dinner, when the family gathered for the will reading. She had informed them that she would rather not let the others know, because in her words; ‘there was sure to be a riot!’. And so, they were sneaking around the upper floors of a rich person's house(scratch that, it was basically a castle, Atsushi had never seen so much wealth in his life.) Dodging the occasional stray family member had been easy, but they were becoming more and more frequent as the night went on, the partygoers tiring of the endless arguments and retreating upstairs to the many different entertainment rooms.
“Atsushi?” Miss Akari is speaking again, pulling him out of his brain and back to reality. She leans up, whispering in his ear. She smells faintly of rose petals. “I think someone in my family might be responsible for moms death.” Atsushi feels this isn't something she should tell just anyone, even if she feels they are trustworthy, but he nods along with her anyway.
“You think so?”
☘ ☘ ☘
Miss Akari is the most suspiciously suspicious person Dazai has ever met. I mean it's obvious. Why else would she be hanging off Atsushi like that, stealing Dazai’s rightfully deserved attention. The wench. She was obviously an enemy spy or something like that, hellbent on pulling Atsushi to the dark side! Dazai scowled as they walked down the hall. They were obviously leaving him out like this, whispering and flirting like that, and right in front of his salad(I'm sorry). How dare that Harlot, steal his Atsushi from him.
Dazai scoffed. She wasn't even that pretty. Ok, maybe he was being a tad dramatic. Miss Akari was actually very pretty. She had long straight black hair and dark black eyes, and she was clothed prettily in a nice sunday dress and small kitten heels. And honestly a long time ago she would have been Dazai’s type, but recently he had found himself into people less like Miss Akari, and more like Atsushi. Or rather, he had discovered he was in love with Atsushi.
It was embarrassing and dumb and humiliating and entirely too hard to deny, and if he was being truthful, he was just jealous of that wench. Jealous that Atsushi would let her hang all over him like that. Probably smashing her plentiful bosom and ladylike charms all against him and stealing him from right under Dazai’s nose. And it was highly unlikely she was an enemy spy, she was just an admittedly kind and pretty young woman who was interested in Atsushi, and Dazai hated her for it. There were times, times when his darker days came back to haunt him, times when he got unhealthy ideas like keeping Atsushi locked away, for if he was locked away only Dazai could have the privilege to gaze upon his form. But most of all he wanted Atsushi to be happy, and no one would be happy caged like a decorative bird.
And so, he simply stood back and allowed that Harlot to hang all over Atsushi. But of course, not without the occasional ploy to steal his attention back. But alas, it had seemed Atsushi had tired of his antics, and Dazai had been threatened, in no uncertain terms, to be left behind with the old ladies. And so, he had to be content with watching. For once he was thankful for Atsushi’s dense personality, because although it had screwed him over, it had also screwed everyone else who had approached him too.
Dazai’s love for his subordinate had snuck up on him like a tiger hunting its prey, and then jumped him from behind and completely overwhelmed him. It was even beginning to overtake his desire for a double suicide, wich was a terifying thought. It had been a slow, but steady process but subconsciously he knew he was doomed from the moment he met Atsushi. When he had first opened his eyes, soaking wet on the riverbank, he was sure he had succeeded in his suicidal endevors. For why else would there be an angel hovering above him, highlighted by the setting sun.
Their relationship had been a series of devastating blows delivered under the sunset. For it had been sunset when they had first met, and Dazai had found out that Atsushi was not, in fact, an angel, but a poor orphan boy. He was sure Oda was laughing at him from behind the grave, when he took him in, purely with hidden selfish reasons. Reasons he himself didn't even see when he did it.
The second sunset, on the way back from Ranpo’s case with Atsushi. He had refused to admit he got himself caught in the net to be in Atsushi’s proximity. He had justified it with ‘i just want to watch his progress, and kunikida wont let me,’ but it was obvious to an older and wiser Dazai that he just wanted to be around him. It was embarrassing, but all Dazai could feel was the heat of his body, the close proximity, only a few measly inches between their shoulders. He had longed, subconsciously as he prattle on, to pull the boy close, maybe wind an arm around his thin shoulders.
The third sunset, the one that graced them as they sat on that parkbench, on the day Atsushi figured out the orphanage headmaster had died. And although Dazai had appeared calm and rational, like he always pretended, the mere mention of the man's death had filled him with glee. The extent of the abuse he had subjected Atsushi two filled him with an indescribable amount of rage, that he had always chalked up to protectiveness as a friend. It was apparent that it was not, that the extent of the protectiveness he felt was far and beyond. That was the second sunset, and perhaps maybe the tipping point.
But the third sunset, the sunset on the ship after the defeat of the guild, was the breaking point. As he had nonshalontly raised a glass, and as Atsushi had smiled at him, his eyes mirroring the color of the sunset, his heart had stopped. And then it had resumed, beating triple time against his chest, threatening to leap out completely. He had been overwhelmed by how beautiful the boy across from him was and how desperately Dazai wanted to embrace him, to hold his thin frame close and press kisses to his lips and he had just stopped functioning for a moment.
And that was when he knew, that he was well and truly gone, that he was unequivocally, irreversibly, deeply and truly in love. And then, he had kind of accepted his fate. It was obvious that the affection Atsushi held for him was purely platonic, and even if he had other feelings the boy himself was unaware of them, at least for now. And truly, the boy was terribly, annoying, incredibly dense. Even outright flirting was just brushed off with a laugh and an eye roll, and any physical affection(aside from outright just kissing him) was just attributed to platonic feelings, and Dazai had been about three second from pulling all his hair out and jumping out a second story window, so he essentially gave up. Not completely, he just bided his time and would have to make do with fantasies and daydreams, until the day he decided to take a leap of faith.
But, this harlot was testing his last nerve. She was far too conventionally attractive and although Atsushi didn't seem to notice how hard she was flirting, Dazai was sure that at some point she would give up on subtlety and just ask him out. And then Atsuhsi would blush adorably and accept and then they would start going out and it would be all suffocatingly cute and cuddly and then one day they would get married and Atsushi would of course ask Dazai to be the best man and Dazai’s heart would break into tiny little pieces but he would do it because he would do anything for Atsushi and then they would have little kids who looked like Atsushi and Dazai would grow old alone and sad and have to watch their happily ever after—
“…zai. Dazai. Earth to Dazai!” Dazai pulls himself out of his depressing fantasies and back to reality with a jolt. Atsushi is standing in front of him, noticeably missing the evil harlot Miss Akari, his hands on his hips. Dazai almost skips to meet him, grabbing his arm as they make their way down the hallway. “So, where did Miss Akari go?”
“She had to entertain her guests, remember?” Atsushi regrettably pulls away from Dazai, crossing his arm and coming to a stop. “Really Dazai, she's a really nice woman. You should pay attention to her.” Dazai really will throw himself out a second story window. Watch him, he’ll actually do it, just watch. “Do you like her or something?” He sounds like a middle school boy. Embarrassing. Atsushi smiles. “Yes actually.” Dazai’s heart drops into the pit of his stomach. The boy continues to drive knives into his poor heart. “She’s a very kind woman. And she’s very pretty too. I was sure you would have invited her to do a double suicide with you by now.”
If it were, perhaps, a few months earlier, Dazai definitely would have. But now he’s down bad for his subordinate, who apparently ‘loves’ Miss Akari. He forces a smile, almost choking on actual tears. Embarrassing. “So, when's the wedding?” Atsushi just looks confused. “Wedding?” Dazai might actually cry. “Yeah, Wedding. She’s obviously into you and if you love her back you might as well just get married then.” Atsushi blushes pretty, his pale cheeks turning a dark pink. Dazai wishes he were the cause of that. “What are you talking about! I don't like her like that, I thought you meant if i thought she was nice.” Dazai’s tears are suddenly gone, done choking up his throat and clogging his stomach. “And she’s not into me anyway. People usually aren't ‘into me’.”
‘Me!’ Dazai wants to scream. ‘I'm into you and you are worth it and I want to kiss you please let me kiss you please—’ but he holds it in. He doesn't, however, hold in his gleeful smile. Atsushi gives him a baleful glare. “You could have been nicer to her, and did you really have to try to throw yourself into any bathtub–, no, anything that holds water?” Mood restored, Dazai swings his arms by his side. “Really Atsushi. You’ll never understand the joys of suicide.”
And the rest of the evening is going just wonderfully, it's all just wonderful and sunshine and rainbows really until suddenly Atsushi is grabbing his collar and he's being yanked backward and shoved not so nicely into a closet. Really, he's about to complain, but Atsushi makes an adorable little shushing noise and crowds inside as well, and Dazai hears the sound of footsteps and conversation. And he remembers the only part of the conversation he had listened to, where Miss Akari had told them she didn't want the rest of the family to know she had invited agents. And really, he should be concentrating on what the people walking by the small closet they're in are talking about but the only thing he can concentrate on is Atsushi’s proximity.
It's a small closet, made for sheets and towels, and the lack of space forced Atsushi to press in tight, his back shoving Dazai against the wall. Dazai’s senses are asaulted by the clean scent of green tea and cheap soap and the heat radiating from Atsushi’s back and Dazai is simultaniasly cursing and praising whatever fucked up god got him into this position because his pretty subordinate is pressed against him and all his fantasies are coming back to haunt him.
Atsushi is shorter than him, about two or three inches, and his frame is smaller. Dazai’s body almost cages him in, even with his arms pinned to his sides in what little space they have, and it's frighteningly arousing. Dazai’s nose is shoved in his hair, Atsushi’s back lines up with his chest and most damning of all, his but presses directly on Dazai’s dick. People are walking by the room, and Dazai knows it definitely isn't the time to get hard, so he puts all impure thoughts to the back of his mind for now.
Really, he should take advantage of this opportunity, and he does. He wraps his arms around Atsushi’s frame pulling him closer even still, and allowing himself to hug the boy their warmth blending together. And it feels wonderful and comforting and like all is right in the world, until Atsushi squirms, grinding his ass back directly on Dazai’s clothed dick. Dazai’s hands drop like a hot stone, shooting to his side as he tries to separate himself from Atsushi, to no avail. Because now all those times he had arrived after a fight to see Atsushi laying face down on the ground, his cute little ass on display for Dazai(and the world). And he didn't know why the boy insisted on landing in this position every chance he got, but it was truly a strange(sexy) position. For every time he did that all Dazai could think about was that position in a different context, maybe something with one hundred percent less clothes and it was all coming back to haunt him.
For some reason the people outside the closet have insisted on talking like three feet away from the closet doors, and not moving and now Dazai knew his dick was at least semi hard and he was never going to recover from this one—
“Dazai?” Atsushi has turned around to whisper, and now it's almost worse because their faces are a two measly inches away from each other, breaths tangling together and Atsushi’s eyes are breathtakingly beautiful. “Dazai, do you have something in your pocket, its poking against me.” Oh now this is just lovely. He's taking to long to respond and Atsushi’s going to get suspicious. “Yes actually. A gun.” Atsushi rolls his eyes. “It's not a gun, that's not what a gun feels like.” Fuck. “Jesus Dazai, what is it? Is it something your not supposed to have?” He’s still whispering, but now he looks slightly panicked. “Did you bring a random knife or prescription pills on missions again? You know Kunikida’s going to kill you.” This conversation should be killing him hard on but it's still there, and harder than ever. Dazai hates himself.
His lack of response seems to be worrying Atsushi because now, to his horror, Dazai feels his hand trying to get in between their bodies. He grabs it, trying to hold him away from his overeager dick. Atsushi frowns, whisper yelling at him. “Dazai, lemme see it!”
“Don't worry about it, Atsushi!” This, obviously, does not deter him.
“Now I'm even more worried!”
As much as he would like Atsushi’s hands all over his dick, he really would prefer different circumstances and so he thoughtlessly grabs the boy's wrist, pinning them above his head. It's almost worse this way. Their faces are close together, breaths intermingling again, and to Dazai’s satisfaction, he sees the blush spreading across Atsushi’s cheeks. It's visible even in the dark closet as the boy evades his eyes, blush furious across his pale skin. Dazai can't resist the urge to tease him.
“My Atsushi, what’s got you so flustered?” The boy glares, all while that cute little blush is still plastered across his face. “Shut up Dazai.” And so, Dazai seels his lips with a kiss.
...
End Notes: I always headcanoned that Atsushi is oblivious to flirting because of his low self esteem lol. A pretty girl could be hanging off his arm, telling him how amazing he is and stuff and he would go ‘haha lol she's so kind.’ or ‘haha lol she must be scared.’ also i'm tired of writing full smut so here you go, half smut
Taglist: @mulit05ho3st4n
#bungou stray dogs#dazatsu#bsd smut#bungo gay dogs#stray dogs smut#mariannacrxss#helplesslypurple77Kinktober#kinktober 2023#kinktober
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“Like I said, I'm just trying to be a Joe Alwyn (and The Last Kingdom) fangirl in peace. But ts is on a mission to destroy his life, his career and his reputation. And her fans are harassing Joe and Joe's fans. So, this is defensive more than anything else.”
To quote her…”I love you. (but) It’s ruining my life.” I don’t want to hate her. I loved her music for a long time. And I felt horrible for her (and Joe) when it ended. But it lasted exactly 11 days before she started pulling shit. I don’t know where it came from, but my empathy for Joe is overwhelming. I love everything he stands for, how respectful he and his family and friends were for all those years, the way people know him talk about him, the way she wrote about him, and his very English way of being. The punching down that she has been doing and will continue to do when she knows he wants to live outside the spotlight and is probably a big reason why they split makes me ILL for him.
I think we all know that she is not okay - her drinking, her moving from one man to the next, this PR created nightmare of a “relationship” she is currently in that is legitimately the opposite of everything she had with Joe, her behaviour that makes it very clear that she believes she could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue (to quote the god awful orange man) and get away with it, that she is so incredibly online (see the jet issue using Insta comments in the lawsuit and all her time on TikTok) and knows her ex is being sent death threats and threats of physical violence every day and continues to give her fans red meat. She’s flying within meters of the sun and she doesn’t give a fuck. She’s not okay. But I’m sick that Joe has to be the one to suffer because of it.
This album was always going to be written - this was always the ending for them because it’s clear they are not compatible. But just from the timing of it, she wants the story out NOW. And that’s her right. I just don’t trust her to be thoughtful and introspective of the end and realize her role in the breakdown. The clues are everywhere on how she is going to approach it and I guess I’m just praying for Joe. I hope everybody in his life that loves him protects him wholly. He is going to need it because you are right - she is out to ruin his life, his career and his reputation.
Joe has a loving family and extremely loyal friends. He is well loved.
And, like I already said, I have NO sympathy for her. None. After what she did in 2023 and she is about to do in 2024? I hope that Karma she believes in, gets her!
If you think that she is not happy.. good! Call it poetic (pun intended) justice . 🤷♀️
#joe alwyn#joealwyn#free joe alwyn#jalwyn#nonnie#q&a#anti taylor swift#shit swifties say#toxic swifties
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Part 11
Pairing: Biker!Bucky x y/n
Word Count: 2k
Warnings: Language, anti-religious sentiment throughout
Author's Note: Apologies, long delay on this one, got back from London a few days ago and oh my fuck I was exhausted. Kudos to anyone that lives there man I could not hack it at all.
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10
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Your parents’ voices only faded into the distance once the two of you had turned the corner. You couldn’t help periodically glancing over your shoulder, convinced that you’d eventually catch sight of a sprinting, fiercely angry, middle-aged bitch wielding a modestly heeled shoe in one hand while her golden crucifix pendant slapped against her sunken chest. Your mother would make a damn good horror movie villain.
Bucky was quiet. You didn’t sense any anger from him, he wasn’t squeezing your hand particularly tight or stomping his boots against the ground any harder than usual, he just seemed deep in thought. Was this… progress?
He unlocked the street-level door and hoisted both of your suitcases up the stairs, disappearing into the darkness at the top before you’d even had a chance to cross the threshold. By the time you’d made it into the apartment, your clothes were littered all over the place and he was yanking a pair of your best underwear up over his jeans.
“The hell are you doing?”
“I like these.”
“Yeah? It’s a shame you’ve stretched them beyond all recognition, then.”
“I didn’t mean on you.”
You gave him an unimpressed frown and moved to snatch them off him, but he was a slippery little fucker when he wanted to be, making you chase him around the front room for a good ten minutes before you managed to get a decent grip on your property. They were pretty much unusable by this point, but it was a matter of principle.
You were pretty shocked at how good a mood he seemed to be in. You’d expected fireworks, maybe an hour-long tirade about how much of a fuckin’ asshole your dad was and how he should’a laid him out on his own lawn, but it almost seemed like he’d forgotten the whole ordeal. Maybe he didn’t see the old man as enough of a challenge for a full-on brawl? Or maybe he’d finally realised that it just wasn’t worth it? Whatever the reason was, you weren’t about to question it.
You debated properly unpacking all your clothes but eventually reasoned that you were moving soon, so there was really no point putting the extra strain on Bucky’s rickety old wardrobe that could barely manage the weight of his three t-shirts and two pairs of jeans. Instead, you spent the next couple of hours tangled up with him on the couch. It was so nice just being able to relax and decompress after such a shitty situation, usually you’d be arguing or cleaning his wounds. Hopefully this would be the new norm.
You were slowly drifting off, letting the stress of the day melt from your body, when Buck unceremoniously jolted you back to consciousness by jumping up and proclaiming his next great idea.
“Alright,” he started to pace, “there’s gotta be somewhere nice in this stinking town. I’m gonna take you out on a proper date.”
“A proper date?”
“Yeah, somewhere fancy. S’about time I treat you how you deserve to be treated.”
“You don’t have to do that, Buck. I’m happy with takeout on the couch.”
“I know you are, but you gotta let me spoil you sometimes.”
A warm, sleepy smile spread across your face. “Sounds good.”
“You’re damn right it does,” he reached out an arm, abruptly dragging you off the couch and towards the bedroom, “c’mon, let’s get you dressed.”
—
You kept trying to guess your destination from the route Bucky was taking but you came up blank, the only time you’d ever been to this part of town was when you were fourteen and your dad brought you along to collect a life-sized, wooden virgin Mary statue that he’d bought from a seedy guy at church. The creepy fucking thing stood at the bottom of the garden for years before termites finally hollowed her out and made her crumble like Sodom and Gomorrah.
With every corner you turned your stomach tightened with a mixture of excitement and dread. You were looking forward to the evening, sure you were, but you were also struggling to forget that the last time he took you for a night out, he ended up leaving in a cop car. No way could you deal with that shit again.
He pulled you into his side as you were walking. “We’re nearly there.”
“Will you tell me where we’re going now?”
“Nope.”
“If this is another dive bar I swear to god-”
“You really think so little of me?” You shot him a side-eye. “Alright, fair enough.”
As you reached the last corner, he scuttled behind you and placed his hands over your eyes, carefully nudging your legs forward with his knees. You asked him if these theatrics were really necessary. He insisted they were. You were only blind for a couple of steps before the dramatic reveal and, to his credit, you did let slip an audible gasp.
It was a little Italian restaurant, tucked between some vague office buildings but lit up like a white-gold Christmas tree. A small canopy stretched over two wooden tables sitting on the cobbled sidewalk, both occupied by smiling couples nursing huge glasses of inky purple wine. As Bucky took you by the hand and led you to the door, you realised that the inside of the place was barely big enough to seat ten people, most of those seats being already occupied while two smartly dressed waiters rapidly buzzed between their customers, the bar and the kitchen door.
You spotted an empty table tucked in the corner, illuminated by candlelight. Bucky looked back and gave you a smile as one of the waiters led you over. He’d really nailed it, the place was beautiful.
As soon as Bucky’s butt hit the seat, a lengthy wine list was wrestled into his hand. You tried to smother a chuckle as he scanned his eyes over it and tried his best to look knowledgeable. He eventually gave you a wink and pointed to a random name about halfway down the list. Smart move, avoid coming across too cheap but also avoid risking a hundred dollars on some potentially nasty grape juice. You knew there was a reason you liked him.
The two of you sat in comfortable silence for a minute, taking in your surroundings. Maybe it was more than a minute, you weren’t too sure, you’d gotten a little lost in your thoughts.
“What’s up?” Bucky snapped you back to reality. “That’s your deep thinking face.”
“Oh, nothing, I was just-”
You were about to brush his question off with your usual, automatic response, the kind that pivoted the conversation away from your feelings, but the genuine sincerity in his face made you catch yourself. You had no reason to hide yourself from him.
“It’s strange, I guess, but I just keep forgetting that we’ve only properly known each other for a few weeks. It feels like we’ve lived a lifetime together.”
“That can’t be a bad thing though, right?” He reached a hand over the table and placed it over yours. “I wouldn’t complain about a lifetime with you.”
Your lips curled into a wide smile and you interlaced your fingers with his. “Me neither. I’d just really like the next lifetime to be a little less stressful.”
“I’ll do my best to behave.”
“I’d appreciate it.”
He smirked and leant back, nodding at the waiter as he placed the wine down on the table and half-filled both of your glasses. His eyes flicked back to yours and he chuckled deeply as he took a drink with his free hand, wincing slightly before swallowing, his expression telling you that he’d taken a fat loss on the wine list lottery. You braved a sip, it tasted like ass. The two of you fell into laughter together.
Your food arrived and you decided to finally address what was on your mind. You’d been meaning to bring up the events of the morning on the walk over, but you’d struggled to find the right moment or come up with wording that wasn’t unbelievably patronising. Well done for not punching my dad, by the way. Really proud of you kiddo. Maybe not.
“I also wanted to say,” you pulled your plate towards you and swallowed harshly, “what you did today, it really meant a lot.’
“What, wearing your underwear?” You gave him a playful scowl. “Sorry, go on.”
“I know sometimes you struggle to control this self-destructive streak, but you walked away from a fight today. I’ve never seen you do that before.”
His eyes dropped and his smile slowly faded. Shit, had you upset him? That was about as diplomatically as you could have worded it, maybe you should’ve just kept quiet. You were about to attempt a swift topic shift when he finally piped up.
“It hardly makes up for all the other times, though.”
“Maybe not, but what you do now matters a hell of a lot more than what you did in the past.”
He was staring at your hands, your words obviously not making a dent in the spiral he’d suddenly found himself in. “Y’know, before you came back, the stuff I did… it was some kind of miracle that I survived.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. It was more than a self-destructive streak, I really just had nothing to live for.”
Jesus, that knocked you back. You felt like you’d been winded. The worst part was that he didn’t even look upset, he’d just fallen into this heart-breaking expression of sunken acceptance. You’d never seen him like this before.
You reached out and squeezed his hands hard. “Things are good now, and they’ll be good from now on. That’s what matters.”
He nodded, looking back up at you and forcing a smile. In that moment it became incredibly clear to you how important it was to get away from this town and start again. Granted, a simple change of scenery probably wouldn’t be enough to completely disconnect him from the guilt of his past, but it would at least make it all seem a little further away. You just knew that you were desperate to help him, and you were willing to try anything.
You gently tried to dig a little deeper into the subject but he swiftly pivoted once he realised how upset you were, his usual cheery demeanour reappearing as he tucked into his meal. It was almost impossible to get more information out of Bucky once he’d stonewalled.
The rest of the evening was lovely and calm. He flagged down the waiter and ordered two beers after the sewer water he’d ordered had all gone, and the two of you quickly discovered that the restaurant took their ‘bottomless breadsticks’ promise a little too seriously, all but force-feeding you by hand to get them gone.
You just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was hanging over you.
You knew you’d have to talk to him more about it soon, even if you didn’t particularly want to. It was his face as he said it. You never wanted to see that again.
---
Part 12
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Taglist: @touchstarvedforbuckybarnes
Join taglist here
I realise that I just completely abandoned my taglist when I started writing again but I figured most people on there would have just forgotten I existed lol so I'm going to start it over, please join if you fancy.
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#bucky#bucky x you#bucky x y/n#bucky x reader#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes fic#bucky fic#bucky fanfiction#bucky barnes#bucky imagine#bucky barnes au#buckybarnes#bucky fanfic#bucky fluff#biker!bucky x y/n#biker!bucky x you#biker!bucky x reader#biker!bucky#bucky au#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes fluff#biker!bucky au
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annual writing self-evaluation
Thanks to @astorytotellyourfriends for the tag - I didn't do this last year!
1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):
If She Lived in Space, Man, I'd Build A Plane
crimson & clover pulling overtime
model citizen; zero discipline
what you give just serves me right
two jack trippers and a chrissy
perception check
all my kinktober fills
a hollow tree
2. Work you are most proud of (and why):
Gosh, that's hard. I'm proud of all of them for different reasons, and I have issues with all of them for different reasons. I guess I would say "what you give just serves me right" makes me happy, and was something I had to push myself to do, but I was pleased with how it turned out in the end.
3. Work you are least proud of (and why):
I hate that I have two fics out that I haven't updated in ages! I am not proud of that! And there are a few things in all of them that I'd tweak.
4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:
Oh golly. Alright, from a hollow tree, which was my Halloween fic featuring Lilith!succubus!Chrissy:
Fog slips into the van when he opens the door. A mist so thick it’s disorienting as he drops to the ground, and the shape of a girl forms itself out of the gloom.
5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:
Almost every single regular commenter on Soul makes my heart sing and my panties drop, and I'm so sorry my brain is being stupid right now.
6. A time when writing was really, really hard:
Right goddamn now. It's like squeezing blood from a fucking stone, and I have no idea why, but everything comes out strained and blechy and I hate it, and I refuse to inflict it on anyone else so I'll just sit like a lump, churning out crap and never showing it to anyone.
7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:
Genuinely did not think that I would get so into the Hopper/Chrissy/Eddie dynamic as I did when I wrote it as a crackship as part of kinktober. But, like, I could get DOWN with that shit.
Also, Hellcheerington surprised me. Oh, and writing Eddie's dad for Soul was weirdly cathartic? I was determined to make him a person and not a collection of cliches, which was easier said than done. I think I got there, in the end. Hope so, anyway!
8. How did you grow as a writer this year:
I didn't, I fucking regressed. Or, no, not really. I pushed myself a bit, tried to get sharper and cleaner with some prose. Read some theory books, worked on my rhetorical devices, forced myself to kill a couple darlings along the way (but not all the darlings, god damn it).
I also published a book, so yay?
9. How do you hope to grow next year:
I'd like to get back to writing original fiction. I've been in a slump with that, too, because it doesn't have the instantaneous feedback that fanfic does. I want to split my time between fic and pro writing stuff, and I want to be very realistic about how much mental energy my real job takes up. When I used to write like a madwoman, I didn't have the role I currently do, which is a senior project manager leading a team, working mostly with executive-level staff. Don't get me wrong, my job pisses me off a lot, and stresses me out, too, but it pays well and we live in a shithole of a society where money matters in the grand scheme of things.
So, like, I guess I hope to grow as a writer in writing even when my brain doesn't want me to, or it doesn't feel great to do so.
10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):
Freaking Shirley Jackson, man. That bitch can write.
11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:
I'm always putting kinky shit I see or experience at the bdsm club into my fic. I am as God made me.
12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:
Everything is made up and the points don't matter. Stop comparing yourself to other authors. Turn off stats on your AO3. Write what you fucking want and quit worrying if other people are going to like it.
13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:
I'm going to be so, so glad when Soul is done because I love it so much but it is also the millstone around my neck.
14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:
@binickandros, @pipergirl17 and @phoenixwrites please!
#ask meme#writing#personal#bsc diaries#i rambled a lot up there#thank u for reading if u got this far#gentle forehead kisses for you
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20 Questions (for fanfic writers)
I got tagged by the absolutely lovely @sarah-sandwich Thank you!!
1. how many works do you have on ao3?
17 :)
2. what's your total ao3 word count?
157,867 (2/3 of that is SMH hahaha)
3. what fandoms do you write for?
atm all my WIPs and upcoming fic ideas are Spidey related, but I used to write a lot for MLB and OL:BA (and A:TLA back on ffn in hs but we don't talk about the dark ages hahaha)
4. top five fics by kudos:
Under The Moonlight - OL:BA smutty oneshot of what should have happened after the charity ball scene 😳
Crushtomer - MLB coffee shop AU one-shot with Barista!Adrien and Overworked Uni Student!Marinette (heavily inspired by my barista days in College, when I was writing this) ☕
King Agreste - a MLB AU oneshot inspired by the Grimm fairy tale Allerleirauh "all-kinds-of-fur" 🏰
You Said You Loved Me - an MLB kwami swap identity reveal wip i never finished and probably never will sorry 😬
Spider-Man: Homesickness - My take on what the MCU Spidey's life could be like 5 years post: No Way Home and his journey into letting people back into his life and not being so alone (My CURRENT BABY and WIP that I'm ALMOST DONE WITH - it's so fucking long alskdhasasjdkhksdjhfkfh my hope is that it ends up in the no. 1 spot someday when it's complete) 🕸️
5. do you respond to comments?
So I didn't always, but nowadays I try really hard to respond to every comment thread at least, even if I don't always have the last comment on the thread. I really REALLY appreciate each and every comment and I actually often re-read them when I'm feeling insecure in my writing (is that cringe? maybe lol but it's true)
6. what is the fic your wrote with the angstiest ending?
Definitely The Beauty of Green. 268-word OL: BA drabble that smacks you out of nowhere in the last two sentences. I never write things that short anymore but it just worked
7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
A lot of my one-shots back when I was writing for MLB like 5 years ago have happy endings. I prefer more *complicated* endings now, but a genuinely happy ending can be nice too. May I present Drops in a Pond for consideration though? Not traditionally fluffy or sweet, but I like to think it's a soft and hopeful kind of ending.
8. do you get hate on fics?
I haven't yet. I think I'm too small of a creator to get hate lol
9. do you write smut?
I've posted one smut fic before, Under the Moonlight, listed above. It's my top-rated fic so I guess I know a little of what I'm doing. OH and my side-wip I'm working on when SMH is too angsty for me is all fluff and kinky Parkner smut and I'm so excited to post that someday when SMH is fully out and done.
10. craziest crossover:
I haven't written any crossovers, unless you count pulling from marvel canon across different adaptations to make SMH (it's got Gwen and Harry and Miles even though they're not in the MCU 19999 as of now). But I used to write a lot of aus
11. have you ever had a fic stolen?
I don't think so
12. have you ever had a fic translated?
No, but I would be so honored if someone did! I once had a full conversation in the comments with someone in another language by using Google Translate and that was fun!
13. have you ever co-written a fic before?
I think my writing process would be a little too unconventional to co-write with someone unless we were trading chapters and perspectives. I go back and edit my drafts a lot as I move forward and I would be too tempted to edit their writing too, which feels mean...
14. all time favorite ship?
I LITERALLY CAN NOT PICK DO NOT DO THIS TO ME!!!!! I will be a multi-shipper until the day I die, in basically every fandom.
15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I have an idea for a series of long fics making an MCU HS AU inspired by Degrassi, but I think it would be just too many hours and too many words that I won't ever commit to. I love a good HS AU every now and again, but I feel like a lot of people (across fandoms with hs aus tbh) write the characters as if they already have a lot of the canon quirks the characters have as adults. I would want to write them truly as their HS selves, acting like real teenagers and all the dumb shit teens do, as the reader follows along on the journey of their growing up.
16. what are your writing strengths?
I think I really like detail and trying to portray a level of reality with the characters, even in more fantastical settings. I want the character's choices and motivations to be both complex and clear to the reader, even when they're making choices that the reader disagrees with. I also think this is a skill that is more and more prevalent in my recent writing, so my earlier MLB stuff doesn't have as much of it. My OLBA stuff and now my Spidey stuff though? Yeah.
17. what are your writing weaknesses?
Staying motivated to finish WIPS. (This is something I've improved a lot on though and at this point, barring some kind of life-or-death calamity in my life, I will absolutely be finishing SMH. I'm literally 120k of a predicted 150k words deep and going strong sooo).
OH ALSO comedy! I'm so bad at writing funny characters and making them actually say things that are both funny and make sense. Sucks when writing Spidey cause he can be such a little shit with his sarcastic comments and each dialogue point takes me 3-5 business weeks to come up with.
18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?
I do it very rarely and only when it feels 100% necessary. I had a small bit in Spanish in ch 6 of SMH because Jeff and Rio were literally talking about Peter right in front of him and he could hear the words they were saying, even if he didn't understand them. But it was very brief.
I did it because the POV character literally didn't understand it, so it made sense to have it written out. In fics where the POV character understands what's being said, I prefer it all be written in the fic's primary language, for reader ease.
19. first fandom you wrote in?
A:TLA, like I said. That was back in the dark ages of my Junior Year of HS on my old ffn account that will never see the light of day again hahaha
20. favorite fic you've written?
Every current WIP has always been my favorite because that is what I'm thinking about. So SMH is definitely my current fave. It's my baby and I've put literally hundreds of hours into it (I keep a spreadsheet lol, it's nearly 150 hours of sheer writing, not including the early days of brainstorming and outlining.)
HOWEVER, back in the day, I was really proud of writing Answer Me and it's literally my lowest-rated fic, but I was such a fan of the genre and the Night Circus inspiration. Plus, I love Alya as a character and it was really fun to write from her perspective.
OH, and I'm still proud of Under the Moonlight because it taught me that my acespec ass can write smut and is also good at it, lol. I just have to write smut that's rooted in ~*~feelings~*~ and also has an element of humanism and imperfection. Which is the type of vibe I'm putting into my side-wip rn.
Thanks for tagging me, Sarah!
no pressure tagging: @seek--rest, @abcd-em, @missamyshay, @pbpsbff
#fic writing#fic writer ask#ao3#foviewpoint#This was so fun!#some of these works are literally so old I'm a whole different person now#writer ask#Spider-Man: homesickness
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
I was tagged by the lovely @haztobegood and @disgruntledkittenface. Thanks, y'all!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
115 with 2 co-writes!
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
2,058,707
3. What fandoms do you write for?
One Direction, babyyyyy
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
The Second Hand Unwinds, Say Something, Fall At My Door, Leave Your Mark On Me, Find You Home
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Yes! I'm super behind right now because of school, but I do.
6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
I really don't know because I write happy endings, so...... probably one of the timestamps from the Don't Want Shelter universe from before they got together called A Well-Made Mistake
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I really don't know! Like I said, I write happy endings, so I guess maybe The Second Hand Unwinds because they're both just so relieved to see each other?
8. Do you get hate on fics?
lol yes
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yeahhhhhh...... I was like what do you mean 'what kind' but idk it's pretty standard fucking imo lolllll
10. Do you write crossovers? What the craziest one you've written?
I've written a few fics for @potterdirection but I think that's it. Unless you count crossovers into the Shawn Mendes and Maggie Rogers fandoms lol
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
The only reason I even have a wattpad acct is to report stolen fics :)
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
All the time! Love it! You can find my translated works here :D
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Yes! A few years back, I begged some amazing writers to help do a round robin fic for @louandhazaf Nic's birthday, and we wrote Wine Not? and that fic brought so many amazing people into my life!
14. What's your all-time favorite ship?
Larry, obviously.
15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
There are so many, but I'll always come back to my robots au that will never see the light of day. It lives on in my mind!
16. What are your writing strengths?
Idk man. I'm not good at thinking of these types of answers.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Second halfs. The rest of the story.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I've only ever written Louis saying like one thing in Italian and then it was just comparing Harry's to the gates of paradise lollllll but kudos to anyone who does it. I liked the way Maggie @disgruntledkittenface did the French in Darling, so it goes.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
One Direction <3
20. Favorite fic you've written?
Hard questions!!!! I honestly can't answer this. All of my fics are special to me for one reason or another.
This was fun! Tagging literally anyone who sees this and @louandhazaf @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @londonfoginacup @jacaranda-bloom @sadaveniren @dinosaursmate @phdmama @lululawrence @absoloutenonsense
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
Thank you so much for the tag, @lattesqueeze. 🥹
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
31! I used to have a lot more on my old account, but I deleted them all and the account ages ago.
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
182,588 apparently. Jesus fuck, I did not realize it was that high.
3. Which fandoms do you write for?
These days? Only F1 RPF, but I used to write for several others, including (but not limited to) Cut & Run, Men's Football RPF, McFly RPF, and Teen Wolf.
4. Which are your top 5 fics by kudos?
1. Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes) - My first Lestappen fic, my baby, my pride and joy
2. 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To) - My first collab fic with the lovely Ilse (@f1writingbyme) 💕
3. Something Unholy - Lestappen lap dance/dirty talk PWP
4. Speak Now (Or Forever Hold Your Peace) - A personal Lestappen favorite
5. No Time For Regret (No Time For Sleep) - Lestappen PWP set after the 2023 Belgian Grand Prix
5. Do you reply to your comments? Why or why not?
Yes, I do! I've made it my mission to reply to every single comment I get on my work, because the fact that there are people out there who not only read my work, but they also take the time to leave a comment, is such a huge deal to me and it makes me so happy. The least I can do is make sure they all get a reply.
6. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending?
Ooof, I guess The Last Straw? The ending itself isn't the angstiest part of the fic, but the entire thing is angsty as hell.
7. Which of your fics has the happiest ending?
I'd say most of my fics have happy endings, but the happiest? Probably Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes), or the first sequel Like Snow At The Beach (Weird, But Fucking Beautiful).
8. Do you get hate on your fics?
Haven't gotten any hate so far on my current AO3 account! I used to get a bit of hate on my fics when I used to write for another fandom (1D, despite not being a 1D fan myself, I only wrote requests from other people) years ago, though, because back then there was apparently a "right or wrong way" to write fics, and there were always people who thought you were doing it wrong.
9. Do you write smut?
I do. Admittedly, it's my least favorite thing to write, but I do write it.
10. Do you write crossovers?
I've never tried, and I've never had an urge to so far.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Only one! (That I know of.) It was the first 1D fic I wrote and somebody tried to pass it off as their own. Didn't work very well for them.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Not yet, but I was actually contacted by a lovely person who wants to translate some of my F1 fics, which is a huge honor. So it's coming!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic?
Yes, I have! I co-wrote a fic with an old friend back in my McFly obsession days, and I've co-written two Lestappen fics with my darling @f1writingbyme.
19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), and Ride The Bull (Giddy Up, Partner).
14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?
All-time? I honestly don't know if I can pick because all of my favorite ships have been my all-time favorite ship at the time I was hyperfixating on them. But, if I have to make a choice, I'd say it's a tie between Lestappen and Junes (Harry Judd/Danny Jones from McFly).
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but probably never will?
Oh, man, I don't have one because my brain will not let me start a WIP without finishing it. Once I start writing something, my OCD and anxiety kicks in, and I just have to finish it. And if I can't finish it, I delete the whole thing and never think of it again. Which is both a blessing and a curse.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Angst and endings, I think.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Smut, without a doubt. Despite having written a fuckton of smut in my life, there is nothing that stresses me out more than when I get to the part in a fic where smut belongs. Reading back my own smut makes me cringe.
18. What are your thoughts on writing in other languages in fics?
If it's done properly, I say go for it! I personally don't mind it at all and find it adds depth to a lot of work. Just make sure you use something other than Google Translate if you don't speak the language, and preferably check with someone who speaks the language, to make it as believeable to a native reader as possible.
19. What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?
McFly. God, those were the days. I was a literal child back then.
20. What’s your favourite fic that you’ve written?
Definitely Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes). Writing that fic altered my brain chemistry, and I can still remember how I felt writing the different chapters. And also 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), because that was just so fun from start to finish.
Tagging @f1writingbyme, @nico-di-genova, and @f1posting (and anyone else who wants to do this and hasn't already been tagged!).
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20 questions for fic writers
Thank you @rocketnebulas for tagging me!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
That would be 158!
2. What’s your total word count?
Uhhhhh 1,905,572. Ahah.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Recently and actively, Stranger Things and The Lost Boys. I've also been reasonably prolific for Gravity Falls and Rise of the Guardians.
4. Top 5 fics by kudos
This actually surprised me! Duskfall (a Bella/Tanya Twilight AU) is top of this list. And then the rest are more in line with what I expected: Raising Stakes (Gravity Falls vampire!Stan AU), Return, Rewind, Rewrite (Gravity Falls Transcendence AU), Reincarnation Blues (also Gravity Falls Transcendence AU), and A Semi-Normal Life (ditto).
5. Do you respond to comments?
Most of 'em, eventually.
6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
I think that's gotta go to this one, where everybody's dead but the main character, who thinks it's his fault. I don't write a lot of angsty non-ambiguous endings, but this one's pretty explicit that things Do Not Improve from here.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Uhhhhhhh. Hm.
Actually, it might be Hive! Which is a weird thing to say about a horror story, and yet.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Thankfully I haven't! Although I did once get a tumblr ask trying to gotcha me for writing Jack Frost/Pitch Black, which was extremely funny, because 1) that ship is between two several-hundred-year-old immortals who tried very hard to kill each other for the entire movie and this person was concerned because they thought there might be an age gap between them, and 2) I had written that ship exactly once, at least five years prior to receiving the ask, as a favour for a friend.
9. Do you write smut?
Verrrrrrry occasionally.
10. Do you write crossovers?
There's a reason my profile on AO3 includes the line "I was born with the gift of crossover femslash and I intend to make it everyone's problem."
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Only, as far as I know, by the usual AO3-scraping suspects. Although someone did once rewrite a fairly unique AU of mine from a different character's perspective, using almost all the same plot points, and didn't breathe a word that it had been inspired by my fic or that my fic even existed, which, like. Man, I'm glad you wrote that thing and felt good enough about it to share it, but also a little bit what the fuck.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
A few times! It's always an honour.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Exactly once. Wouldn't do it again unless the stars aligned absolutely perfectly.
14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?
That's a trick question and one that I will not be answering at this time.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?
I am going to finish Something Borrowed, Something Blues, so I guess that doesn't count. Uhhhh it would have been nice to finish Imbalance, but I just didn't have as much of a plan for it as I thought I had, and the more time passes the poorer taste the plan I did have seems to be in.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Personally, I think that characterisation is the big one. I can pull together a plot that makes sense and has an emotionally satisfying conclusion. I'm very happy with the way I write suspense/tension. And I've had a couple people now tell me that I do a good job of being descriptive without the description getting in the way, which I'm very proud about.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Pacing! Action scenes! The Dreaded Middle! Not overusing italics!
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?
I've done it, like, twice and I had to use Google Translate because I didn't speak the language and I felt so dirty. For anything more than a word or two, I'd personally either describe the character talking without actually writing out what they're saying (if the POV character doesn't understand what they're saying) or write out/paraphrase the dialogue in English (if the POV character is the speaker/if the POV character does understand what the speaking character is saying).
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Wrote for was probably Pokemon, wayyyyyyyyy back in elementary school. Posted was the Hugh Jackman-Kate Beckinsale fever dream Van Helsing. Thankfully I think that one is lost amongst the ruins of ff.net.
20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?
It's still the road goes ever on. It's gonna be the road goes ever on for, like, a while.
I'm going to tag @gretchensinister, @tejoxys, @amethystunarmed, @seiya234, @marzipanandminutiae, @bixxelated, @daddygrandpaandthebeaver, @enquiringangel, @astriiformes, @scribefindegil, @mickeymagpie, and anybody else who'd like to give this a shot!
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Happy New Year, Everyone!
This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction. I chose it to be about Matt Murdock 👉🏾👈🏾
Please do read it and comment on it, like it and support it. Thanks❤️
⚠️ Warnings: Some drunken abuse, a bit of beating (not mentioned), fluff, mention of alcohol, mention of kiss, new year's kiss, I guess that is it. Please let me know if I miss something.
A Momentous New Year's Eve!
It's intoxicating!
I didn't know it could feel this way until I stood at this spot. I lost the count of cups I had consumed of that inebriated drink. But it was the time of the year when people party and let themselves lose to the music, to the booze and maybe to some frivolous mistakes. Let's not talk about the mistakes because my life was already a mess. Partying with Columbia Law students as an outsider should be enough, for now, to think about anything else.
I might slightly be under the alcoholic influence, but one look at this black glasses guy made me sober in an instant. Could someone be this beautiful yet foolish at the same time? He was trying to perform tap dance. At least, that's what I could comprehend with my hazy mind while someone was trying to catch him in his miserable attempts. I didn't know that I was staring at him intensely when his friend looked at me once and said something in his ear.
Assuming that my party was over, I headed toward the door surreptitiously. Well, no one would mind anyway if I made my exit known to people. Moreover, my friend Stella, who studied at Columbia Law, could not be seen anywhere. And knowing her, she might be with her boyfriend and guessing their nature, both must be drowned in alcohol. Smiling at their childish behaviour, I looked at my watch, which stated 11:30 PM. Though not that late, but considering it was New Year's Eve, I should head home before some drunkard ruined my mood. I wore my coat and exited the door, ready to taste New York's winter air, but halted in my steps when somebody held my wrist a bit harshly.
"Excuse me, do I know you?" I couldn't comprehend whether he was a grown-up man or a college boy due to his drunk self. Besides, he was slurring.
"I saw you yesterday at the canteen with Stella. I wanna hangggg outtt with you."
"I am really sorry. I don't know you. Maybe we should talk tomorrow or the day after that. Sometimes later."
"Noooooo. I like you, and I want to kiss you. Right fucking now!!"
He wasn't leaving my wrist, and his grip was tightening with each passing second, which I was pretty sure would leave a mark.
"Listen, man, first of all, I don't know you, and second, leave my fucking hand! It HURTS!!"
I didn't know I was shouting until he winced and tried to cover his ears. He tugged my wrist and tried to kiss me.
As soon as I uttered a meek "no" the next moment, I saw him lying on the road, wincing in pain.
"The next time, when the lady says "NO" it means no, drunk or not. And I think you might have learned your lesson by now."
"Jesus, dude! I will not leave this matter here. Watch your back, Matt!"
"Sure, Brian. I can say the same to you."
"You fucking blind motherfucker!"
I might be a bit drunk, but that blind Matt guy (my apparent saviour) was throwing some awesome punches at Brian the asshole. I meant it was impossible for a blind man to do such things, but I could be imagining things too. God knows whatever was in New York's air. I was gawking at him intensely until someone cleared their throat.
"Oh, hi! I mean, I am sorry. I mean, thank you."
"Oh, it is okay. I mean, I am sorry you have to deal with that. But, you are safe. Did he hurt you? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I guess. I am. Pretty tipsy, a bruise on my wrist, but I'm okay. Thanks to you."
"I wish I could come here sooner." He whispered this to himself because it was nearly inaudible.
"Sorry, did you say something?"
"No, nothing. I know it's not my place, but are you two guys dating or what? I might be out of line, but I've never seen you before."
"Did you just say "seen me before"?"
"Ohh, I meant heard you before on the campus or lingered around here."
"Uhm, I'm not a student here, came here on a friend's invite."
"A friend? I hope you didn't mean Brian?"
"Oh, no! I never saw Brian before the mhmm incident. I am here or was here with Stella. She is studying law here." And all this while he held my bruised wrist, trying to create soothing circles.
"Stella Cunningham?"
"Yeah! Do you know her?"
"Not exactly! I know her, but her boyfriend, Winston, is kind of my friend."
"That's great, I guess."
"So, would you mind if I ask your name?"
"Yeah, I mean no, I am Y/N."
"Y/N. You have a nice name. I am Matt, by the way." My name never sounded better. I might be too drunk for my own good at that moment.
"You have a nice name too. And I think I should leave before the street filled with drunkards, mobsters and whatnot!"
"Really? I think it's rude to leave the place before giving New Year's kiss."
"WHAT?"
"Hahahaha...just pulling your leg. They have started the New Year's countdown. That's all I am saying."
Should I be kissing a complete stranger who just saved me from an asshole in the middle of the street?
"Hey, Y/N! I was just kidding. No need to think about it."
"Yeah, I know."
And then everyone's voices started reverberating in the atmosphere. All the people had started the countdown - 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1.
And I kissed my saviour on the cheeks because I still needed two-three bottles worth of alcohol courage to kiss him on the lips.
"Happy New Year, Matt!" I nearly whispered this.
"Happy New Year, Y/N. Can I hug you?"
"Uh, I think, yes."
"Yes? Thank you."
And I never felt better before. It was heavenly. Could hugs always feel this magical, or was it the person that makes hugs better?
"Thank you, Matt, for saving me."
He did not say anything at the moment, just tightened his hold. As if he was telling me never to worry because he would always be there for me. And I never felt that safer in my entire life. I was at peace. Perhaps he was too.
Some years later...
"Are you serious, Matt?"
"No, I am not! I was trying to talk to you since the day Stella brought you on campus with her at Winston's welcoming party."
"OH MY GOD! I did not know that. I swear!"
"Oh, I know, sweetheart, trust me."
"Oh My God, Matthew, you are such an idiot! Why didn't you talk to me? I mean, we could have met earlier. In reality, we met at that horrible New Year's Eve party. May I remind you, it was two years after Winston's party!"
"But it's worth the wait."
"You are such a lovely idiot, Mathew Murdock."
"Only for you, Mrs Murdock."
"I love you, Matty. Too much."
"I love you too, Y/N. Way more than you can imagine."
All these years, I was thinking we met on that dreadful yet magical night. As it turns out, he is a sneaky man, who slipped his way into my heart with love, adoration, trust, and everything that comes with it.
And on this New Year's Eve, we are sitting together, drinking each others' company and hoping for peace and happiness in the upcoming years, forever and always.
With that thought in mind, I kissed him with all my love because I do not need alcohol's assistance anymore, and him kissing me back, pouring all his love fervently.
And this, right here, is our peace, our happiness, our celebration of togetherness.
@digwhatudug
#matt murdock#charlie cox#disney+ daredevil#marvel daredevil#daredevil#Matthew Murdoch#marvel#matt murdock x reader#matt murdock fluff#matt murdock x you#matt murdock x y/n#matt murdock x gender neutral reader#shireentapestry#love#new year#new year eve#new years eve#new years kiss#new years party#matt murdock x fem!reader
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Hey my beautiful peoples!
This will be fixed with the infos about the requests aNd the ✨prompt list✨ (i really love this thing lol).
First - Info.
Will write: almost everything in general.
Fluffy
Yandere (yep,i kinda know how to write this don't ask me how)
Angst
Slow burn
Even NSFW is on.
{Yes,i do NSFW too,but for characters with the right age. I don't really mind writing about it}
Will not write: the most insane and disgusting things. Some examples:
Incest
Proshipper things
Real psycho characters (sangwoo is a perfect example)
Nsfw about characters that are under age.
Even characters that just look like childs (the classic one that have 100000 years old with a 14 years old face) and etc
{If you request something that i don't feel comfortable,i'll abviously don't do it,but i'll make sure to leave message for you to know why your request wasn't made}
Reader type - probably any. As a genderfluid person i can write male/female or neutral reader with no problem.
Fandom that i write for (the ones who are colored is the ones that i write more about):
Fire force (benimaru my beloved)
Kimetsu no yaiba
Jujutsu kaisen
Hazbin hotel
The adventures of Tintin
Tmnt (mostly rottmnt and 2012/2016 version)
Boku no hero academia
Death note
One piece
Mob psycho 100 (Just and only fluffy)
One punch man
Haikyuu
Hellsing
Nanbaka
{Four characters is the maximum that i'll make in one request}
Now,the best part!
✨ Prompt list ✨
1 - "i'm...sorry...i'm so...so sorry...". "Ok. And i'll not forgive you"
2 - "no but...why?". "...why what?". "Why are you so fucking beautiful like that?! Dayum!-"
3 - "and now...you can look!". "This is...". "Yes...our new home,our new life"
4 - "you betrayed me,that's why you lost me,are you happy now?". "...i...still love you..."
5 - "i was...i was just trying to help-". "You just make things worse! Like aways! You are useless!"
6 - "oh hi! This is my ex boyfriend!". "Didn't i say for you to stop doing this? I'm their husband"
7 - "...why you still here...why you still love me after all of this...". "Because you mean the world for me..."
8 - "you know? I wouldn't mind kissing you someday". "Then kiss me,here and now". "...oh lord-"
9 - "i aways was there for you,every time,even if all the world turned against you i would be by your side....and for what...?....to just...be used..for the one that i loved the most"
10 - "i...guess...i have a...crush on you...". "...well...this is awkward...sorry but..."
11 - "Just because you cute,it doesn't mean i'll allow you to behave like that with me!". "....you think i'm cute...?"
12 - "hey...it's ok". "I know". "No no,look,it's ok. Everything is going to be okay". "....thank you"
13 - "i said no,i don't wanna hear it!". "Please just...just hear-". "i hate you! Go away! Go away from my life!"
14 - "hey! Hey! Look at me!". "Hm? Wait- don't jump off the roof-"
15 - "is it bad if i say that i...have...a crush on you...?". "You..do?"
16 - "You failed..." "...yes...and know...you gone...forever"
17 - "look at me...look at me please...no...no no no... don't do it... d-don't you dare close your eyes!"
18 - "i knew it...i knew you would leave me someday...". "I'm not leaving you,i just said that i need to go to the bathroom!". "It's the same thing!-"
19 - "How we end up like this...?". "You didn't know me. You knew the version that i wanted you to know,but now,you see the truth..."
20 - ✓
21 - "why you keep doing it?! Why you aways messed up things so bad?!...and...why i aways forgive you..."
22 - "is that...my sweater?". "...our...from now on oUr sweater!"
23 - "wasn't i...bein enough...?...i... i-i'm sorry if a wasn't making you happy..." "No...the fault is mine..."
24 - "...what are you looking at?". "Hm? Oh, nothing. I just really love the way your eyes light up and your cheeks get slightly red when you are excited about something"
25 - "i undestand but-". "No! No you don't! You'll never know! Stop pretending you care,i know you don't!"
26 - "would you...like to go out...on a date with me...?". "Oh,yes,of course!". "Great...!..so...what i do now? I never reach this part before-"
27 - "you like me...?". "Yes!". "....why??".
28 - "i trusted you...". "And so what? You trusted because you wanted,you trusted in someone that you created on your mind. Its not my fault,but yours for your naivety"
29 - "no...no no no! Don't die! Please!". "I'm not dying you idiot-"
30 - "its hurt...isn't it?". "Yes...yes its hurt...so...so badly i....". "Shh...everything...everything will be ok...don't cut it"
{For now will be just 30,i'll probably add more later. And please, specify who's gonna say what ok? Like "2 Tintin and 1 [name]" to be more for your liking. But if you don't want to it's ok,i'll do my best to make a good thing!}
Well...guess it's the end. Just one last thing,my english is not that good because it's not my first language,i still learning so please have some patience with me 🥺
(Please be aware that i'm procrastinating bitch,so if your request take too long or i forget or i'm lazy,sorry for this 😔)
Now bye bye!
#the adventures of tintin#tintin#fire force#enn enn no shouboutai#kimetsu no yaiba#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen x reader#tmnt#rottmnt x reader#tmnt x reader#boku no hero x reader#boku no hero academia#death note#one piece#mob psycho one hundred#one punch man#alucard hellsing#Hellsing#nanbaka#haikyuu#hazbin hotel
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Some Daryl-Reader-Leah drama, please?
PS. With a happy ending of course. ❤️
Okay, so I haven't seen season 11 other than stuff I've seen on social media so imma make up my own shit based on episode 18 of season 10 where they go back and talk about what he did in the six years.
Writing this with a happy ending killed me lol went against every natural instinct.
THIS IS SO LONG LOL ALSO NOT CANON
The last thing I wanted to hear from Carol about was that Daryl met some mysterious woman in the woods while looking for Rick and that she took him under her wing.
They were living a mundane life in the woods, together, with a fucking dog. It almost sounds too domestic for the type of world we're in and it sounds especially unusual for Daryl and his loner lifestyle. He didn't depend on anyone, he refused to, simply out of the fear that they would come into his life and one day go.
Like Sophia, Merle, Beth, Rick; the list could go on.
He refused to have that life that he's having with her with me and even though he was upfront and honest regarding his complicated feelings for me, he never took it to a place where I would become too close to him. But here he is, for months, living with a woman he just met, happy and content.
Carol didn't realize that, in telling me, I would be upset and go off for hours on my own to take my anger out on a huge group of walkers. I returned hours later, covered in blood and limping but the anger in my belly was still there and it took slamming the door in everyone's faces for Carol to realize something was wrong.
She assumed Daryl and I were just friends based on how we walked and talked with each other for the years we've all been in a group. There was nothing to the outside world that would give the impression that Daryl and I were more than friends. But between the two of us, there was more than an impression, there was flat out proof that the two of us had feelings for each other and we just refused to act on them.
Carol guessed that I would be happy for him, proud of him for finally branching out and relying on someone after being 'alone' for so long. But when I told her about everything that had passed between us, the quick kisses, the tight, lingering hugs, the intimate moments of fleeting confessions and heart eyes from across the room.
Maybe it was me. Maybe I blew it out of proportion.
She was pretty livid at first that her best friend never told her that we had such a relationship, more so than he ever mentioned before. But it upset me even more mad to know that he didn’t care enough about whatever we were to even mention me to Carol, his literal best friend. But he was fine with telling her all about the new woman in his life. The woman who, I must mention again, he’s living with.
After a lot of crying and coming to an agreement, Carol immediately told me Daryl’s location in the woods and promptly told me to ‘give him hell’. She wanted me to have it out with him, to get all of the anger out and to give him a piece of my mind because if he didn't and doesn't have feelings for me, then I should know so I can move on. All I wanted was to know if I should just move on or if I should just sit like I have been, waiting for him to come home.
But standing here between the trees, my eyes locked on the log cabin in front of me, the dog trailing along the front porch, I'm scared shitless. What am I even supposed to say to him? What if she's home with him and I have to explain to her that I was so in love with this mystery man that she met and that I want him to come home with me. Would he pick her?
Clearing my throat, my feet crush the sticks below me as I curse under my breath, shaking my head as I hoist my backpack further onto my shoulders.
"Hey!" My head whips around at the voice, taking me off guard as I spot a young woman standing probably ten feet away from me. Her brows are furrowed, eyes flickering over me as she places her hand on the gun that sits at her waistline. "Who are you?" She asks, keeping her distance as I swallow, my lips parting as I let out a nervous breath.
"I'm a friend of- uh- Daryl's. My friend Carol gave me this location..." I trail off, my thumb pointing back towards the cabin as she blinks, her face still unconvinced as I take a deep breath in. "I haven't seen him in a long time so I thought I would-"
"You thought you would check in. I get it." She cuts me off, waving me off as she makes her way towards me. "Follow me, he's inside." Her voice is stern and unwavering as I nod, following silently in her footsteps as she leads me towards the house. "What's your name?" She asks, turning to look back at me briefly as I fumble.
"Y/n." My response is simple and to the point, not wanting to ask her the questions that are on the tip of my tongue, knowing that I wouldn't like the answer.
"I'm Leah." There's a smile in her voice as I hum, following her up onto the patio as the dog weaves in and out of her legs, a laugh leaving her as my heart aches. She's beautiful. She has a beautiful voice, beautiful laugh, she's put together and she's strong, you can tell just how she presents herself. "Hey Daryl! You got a visitor!" She calls out, holding the door open for me as I step inside, the warmth of the room warming me to my core as I listen to the thumping of Daryl's footsteps in the other room.
I fold my arms tightly around myself, watching as Daryl appears in the doorway, his eyes trained on the arrow he's repairing between his fingertips. It takes Leah clearing her throat for him to look up, his eyes flickering from her, over to me as his face drops.
"Y/n." His voice is quiet, timid almost, as I nod, my shoulders drooping at the fact that he's indeed not happy to see me. He looks indifferent, biting at his lip as he blinks a few times before speaking. "Carol sent you?" He asks, an annoyed scoff leaving my lips as I shake my head.
"Didn't send me. Just gave me directions." Leah makes her way to the other side of the room with the pup, sitting down in front of the fireplace silently as she watches mine and Daryl's strained conversation.
"What're ya doin' here then?" His words hit me like a punch across the face, his complete lack of care making my jaw tighten, an angry smile on my lips.
"Just wanted to check in. Haven't seen you in years." I shrug, my words short as he leans against the doorway, his glance briefly moving to look at Leah, almost telling me to watch what I have to say. His response is simple, a quiet 'yeah' leaving his lips as his eyes avoid mine.
His lack of enthusiasm drives me mad, my head spinning as angry tears fill my eyes as I reach up to wipe my nose with my shirtsleeve. I take a quick step back towards the open door as I turn back to Leah, a polite smile on my lips as burning tears stain my cheeks.
"Okay, so, this was a mistake. Sorry for disturbing your 'Little House on the Prairie' lifestyle. I'll show myself out." Ignoring the words of protest from Leah, I step outside, immediately making my way down the steps and towards the direction I came from. My feet are heavy against the leaves and a groan rumbles in my chest as rain begins to hit the top of my head.
"Aye! Stop!" Daryl's frantic voice makes my tears flow faster, my sleeves wiping them angrily as I spot a walker in the distance, an arrow flying by my head before I can reach for my knife.
"I could've gotten that!" I huff, aggravation and betrayal fueling my every thought and move as I spin around on my heel, coming face to face with Daryl as he abandons his arrow.
His eyes frantically flicker back and forth between mine as he swallows, fingers messing with the front of his poncho. He looks nervous as I glare at him, my hands raising to rest on my hips as the rain steadily grows in violence.
"Carol told you. 'bout Leah, about Dog and the house." He sighs, watching me as I move to sit on a log to the right of him, my hands running over my face as he stands beside me, waiting anxiously for a reply.
"Yeah, Carol told me." I grit, wiping my tears angrily as he sits down beside me. "Would've been nice to know years ago but."
"Only met her seven months ago." He mutters, kicking the stones at his feet as I laugh bitterly, my attitude catching his attention as he glances over at me.
"So you gave up on looking for Rick like you gave up on us? You have just a knack for throwing people away and replacing them, huh?" I hiss, his brows lifting at my insults but he doesn't get angry, he just nods, reaching around to rub the back of his neck. His eyes flutter shut as he takes a deep breath with a knowing nod.
"I deserved that." He mutters with a sad smile, nudging my shoulder with his as I cringe, my knees bouncing anxiously at the feeling of his eyes on me, flickering over my expression and my trembling state.
"I'm well aware. So if you want to explain, do it. It's what I came here for." I clasp my hands in my lap as I lean back into the tree behind us, Daryl laughing quietly.
"That all?" He chuckles but I ignore the lightheartedness in his tone. It infuriates me to think of him joking at a time like this, trying to get me to loosen up and relax but he doesn't have that effect on me anymore. I'm seeing red and I have been for a while, right now the only things I need are answers and closure.
"Explain or I'm gone and you'll never see me again." My words are more of a promise than a threat, his eyes widening a bit out of fear as he nods, gulping as he bites at the inside of his cheek.
He pauses, pulling his knife out as he starts picking at the wood that we sit on, ignoring my curious gaze as he explains. "Couldn't look at ya after Rick." He whispers, his shoulders slouching a bit as I look over him, my heart pounding violently against my ribs.
He looks good, even after all this time in the woods. Carol must still be doing his hair every once in a while, or maybe it's Leah's job now. But other than that he's still the same. Broad shoulders, strong everything, kind eyes. It's hard to be mad at him when all I want to do is hug him and never let him go.
"Jus' reminded me too much that we're really the only ones left. Carol's not happy where she is, she's got a fucking death wish. So I didn't want to be around long enough to see something happen to you." He concludes with a deep breath, twirling the knife between his fingertips as I pick at my shoelaces.
"So your only logical option was to leave?" I ask, my voice no longer angry but more sad as he looks back at me, the look in his eyes making my heart break even more. "Rick died, Daryl- I was crushed. And you left me without warning or explanation. I found out from everyone else but you." The tears return to my eyes as quickly as they left, running down my cheeks as I bat them away, frustrated that my anger has brought me to weak tears.
"I didn't leave ya, I-"
"You left me and you didn't look back." His lips part in shock as an expression of realization passes through his face, his surprise shocking me to my core. Maybe he didn't realize that that's how I took him leaving, that he was abandoning me. Maybe he didn't think it was as serious as it was to all the people who cared for him; me, Carol, Michonne, Judith. "You didn't care, Daryl. So please tell me that you're never coming back so I can let go." My lip wobbles as he turns his whole body towards me, his brows furrowed and jaw clenched. He looks angry and disappointed at the implication that I would let us go, his eyes shining with betrayal as I sniffle. "That way you can go on with your life and I'll attempt to go back to whatever life I had before I met you." I cradle my head in my hands as my shoulders shake with silent cries, finally pushing myself over the edge.
"Let go'a what? You and me?" He asks genuinely but it fills me with unadulterated rage, my head tilting to look at him with a scoff.
"What 'you and me', Daryl?" I cry, my eyes drooping with exhaustion as he shakes his head, almost as if I wasn't understanding what he was trying to say. "I wasn't even aware there was a you and I because you left and never gave me the chance to fucking love you, you asshole!" My fists immediatley lift to hit against his chest as he lets me, letting out a simple huff in response to my violence. His eyes fluttering shut as my voice continues to raise in volume. "Instead you live with a random woman in the middle of the woods- did you sleep with her?" My question seems to come out of nowhere, instinct filling me as bile rises in my throat. I can tell that my question also was a slap to the face to him as he pauses, his eyes wide but no response comes from him; just silence.
He answers my question without words, my head shaking as another bitter laugh flows from my lips. Of course he slept with her. I stand almost immediately after a few minutes of no reply but his hand wraps around my waist, tugging me back by the strings of my bag. I groan as he sits me back down, his hands resting on my shoulders as he forces me to look up at him.
"Lemme talk." He mutters, the look in his eyes sobering and clear as he reaches down hesitantly to take my hands in his, my heart skipping a beat or two at the much needed contact after all this time. "I did feel somethin' for her, at first. We hooked up a few times- I don't know what'ya want me to say. Her and I are jus' roommates now." He reassures simply but my head is so quick to not believe him after all of the information thrown my way today, true and false. His hands tug me to him without permission, wrapping around my waist as I fight the urge to break down completely, my hands hovering over his back as I contemplate hugging him back. "'m sorry I left, I shouldn't have. But once I left, I didn't know how to come back or if ya even wanted to see me-"
"All I wanted was to see you, Daryl." I whimper, my throat aching as he nods against me, arms tightening briefly around me at the sound of my crumbling voice. "All I wanted this whole time was for you to come home to me and tell me how much you need and want me- that it wasn't all in my head all these fucking years." He pulls away slightly, his bangs falling in his face as I sniffle, allowing myself to reach up to brush some of his hair away from his eye line. He smiles sweetly at the familiar move, his shoulders relaxing a bit as his tongue sweeps out to wet his lips before continuing. "I just wanted you to tell me how much of a fucking idiot you were and are for leaving and that you should've stayed-"
"I'm an idiot for leaving and I should have stayed. And it ain't in your head." He cuts me off with a deep laugh, my lips pulling up into a smile as my tough, angry exterior starts to crack at his honest jest.
"Well that was easy." I scoff, reaching up to cover my eyes as he sighs, pressing a kiss to the side of my head.
"Jus' gimme some time and I'll be back." He promises, my heart fluttering in my chest as I nod slowly, my head pounding from the crying and from the rain still pouring down on us.
"With me?" I ask, a gentle smile taking over his expression as he nods, pulling me into another hug as I relax into him.
"No one else I wanna be with."
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ali :)
ur choice pick 5 of the odd numbers for the music ask game!! (if u want no presh tho)
Syl my beloved bb, thank you 🖤
3. if you were to get lyrics tattooed on you, which would they be? (or tell about what you already have!)
Okay so I have "this life's our greatest project, the journey's all an art" down my spine which is from Cardboard Castles by Watsky, I got it when I was like 20 right before moving out of the dorms in first year. Gonna be honest sometimes I listen to that song and I second guess if those are the lyrics but in my mind they are and that's enough for me! Anyway fucked up, depressed 20 year old Ali knew what was up because I still find a lot of love and encouragement in those lines
7. is there/what is a song that always makes you think of your parents?
Maggie May by Rod Stewart makes me think of my mom, specifically because it's like the only Rod Stewart song I listen to on a somewhat regular basis and my om has seen him live like 20 times or something ridiculous like that.
Okay and there's 2 songs that when I hear I think of my dad, 1 is Soul Man by Sam & Dave because we used to have (hopefully still have) this halloween decoration that was a skull and it was motion triggered and it would sing that song and I remember being like "dad when you die I want this", the other is Bungle in the Jungle by Jethro Tull because when my dad bought his current car he named it Bungle which is fucking ridiculous and I love it
11. what is the best live music show you've ever been to?
For my own personal tastes it's honestly a tie between the 2 times I've seen Hozier, truly both shows made me feel like I had ascended to some other plane of existence and I just vibed and was beyond happy
For pure wicked fun vibes though honestly it was when I saw Twenty One Pilots, they just put on a really fun and energetic show and I think when you have your drummer on a plank of wood held up by the crowd that's kind of hard to beat tbh
15. what is a song you are obsessed with at the moment?
Ahhh there's a few but I'm gonna say Edge of the Earth by The Beaches
25. Is there any activity (walking, housework, studying, etc) that you cannot do without music?
Working out, specifically running. I cannot do it without music. Like Hudson will listen to a podcast while he runs and my brain just CANNOT fathom that, need the upbeat fast songs to drown out the fact that I'm running at all!
🎵🎸🎹 music ask game 🎵🎸🎹
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Hold on to the memories (Specs x Tucker)
happy new years my loves!! be safe alright? 💕✨️🎉🍾we survived 2023!!
be nice this is my first time writing this pair AND for this fandom lmao
Read on AO3!
December 31st- 11:45 pm.
Parties suck.
Specs ditches it ages ago, opting to slink behind the porch swing and cradle his remaining daiquiri as if his life depends on it. Which it does. There is no way he could handle the rest of the year—fifteen minutes of it left, sober. Not that hiding matters anyway. Outside there's an even bigger group of people, shouting, screaming along to the song playing on the speakers. Fireworks crackle above his head, a rainbow mishmash of colors that blend into the misty sky, along with some cigarette smoke.
He can't remember why he even showed up. He didn't know any of these people fooling around like idiots. Was he even invited? Or did he just go along with Tucker?
He jolts from his daze to realize something. 'Oh fuck I lost Tucker. How did I lose Tucker? He's not exactly an easy person to lose!'
Thankfully Tucker wasn't his designated driver, but he still liked having him around for moral support.
He couldn't remember the last time he saw him. It was...maybe it was when he was wandering around the house. The music was pounding in his ears, and Tucker had mentioned something about helping his cousin with..something. What was that something?
"Don't go anywhere, Specs, I just need to help Taylor clean up the—you know. Ugh."
Puke. Right. Someone had puked inside the cat's litter box. And that was when Specs decided to step outside to get some air.
He takes another sip of his drink, swallowing away the tartness of it all, the blended ratio of lime to rum being too uneven for even him to find it delicious in any capacity. Not to mention it seemed to make his vision worse. It wasn't unusual for his glasses to slip off, seeing as they needed to be adjusted every other second, but upon touching his face, he feels the frame right on the bridge of his nose. He simply hadn't noticed, with the noise and the overwhelming atmosphere of it all. He wouldn't mind going home before midnight. Maybe he could catch Elise and they could go spirit hunting.
Except she was off playing bingo with her friends, so even if he did get back, she wouldn't be there.
His glass was empty now. Specs places it aside and exhales, resting his back against the edge of the porch stairs. It was only when he let himself wander for a bit towards the lawn that he notices a tall, bearded man moving towards him.
"There you are!" Tucker says and with no hesitation plops right next to him.
"Surprise, you found me." He replies flatly.
"You're not that hard to find. Five-foot nothing guy with glasses." He ignores Spec's noise of faux outrage. "And, I happened to notice you ran off without telling me."
"Aw, you do care."
Tucker shoots him a look, before taking a swig of whiskey.
Specs leans over, bumping his shoulder against him lightly without thinking. "I needed the fresh air." He admits after a moment of silence.
"Air's not that fresh out here."
"It's better outside than in. Can't stand the noise."
"Well it is a New Years party, kinda expect it to be a little noisy."
"New Years Eve party," He corrects. "No one actually celebrates New Year's Day 'cause they're too busy recovering from their hangovers. Y'know, it almost makes zero sense why it exists. There's nothing special about it. And...and new years resolutions? Like who the hell does those? It's so dumb. And fuck, it's so loud."
"Specs, how drunk are you?" Tucker smirks, allowing the other to lean closer almost into his lap.
"Yes." He grumbles.
"If you hate the noise so much, why did you show up?"
"You know why."
Mischief twinkles in his warm brown eyes. "Guess I do." His voice is gruff, but comforting. “Because I'm your best friend, and the only person who would invite you to a party. There's a first time for everyone, Specs.”
“Fuck off. That's only partly true.”
“Mm.”
"What time is it?" He gestures at Tucker's watch.
He glances down. "Nearly midnight, about a minute."
"Ha, you've got a few seconds then to figure out your resolution."
"I thought you said resolutions were dumb?"
"They are, that's why I expect you to do one. Duh."
He rolls his eyes. "Alright, my resolution is---"
Someone shouts over the buzz of voices. "Ten seconds till midnight! Everyone couple up, and get ready!"
It takes them a second to realize what's going on. Men with women, men with men, women with women, all huddling in the cold, waiting in anticipation as they start to count down.
10...9...8...
"Is this the part where we kiss?" Specs whispers, not realizing he says it aloud. "Oh fuck."
7...6...5...4...
Tucker seems taken aback, his eyes wide in astonishment at the suggestion. "I---think so? Do we?"
He shrugs. "Not if you don't want to! My mouth started doing the talking...before I finished thinking."
Tucker chuckles. "
Let's do it, man. It's tradition."
3...2...1
Neither man knows who moves first. Specs feels Tucker tenderly cup his cheek to tilt it slightly, his rough, chapped lips finally pressing against his in a soft gesture of affection. Specs didn't expect to feel anything but a quick burst of adrenaline. Instead he felt light, tingling all of a sudden---and it wasn't because Tucker's beard was tickling him.
When they pull away, Specs is left wanting more. He catches a glimpse of Tucker's eyelashes fluttering open, and he nearly passes out at the sight. He never realized how beautiful he is, never grasped just how his eyes seemed to shine under the moonlight.
"Woah."
"Woah." He echoes. "That was..."
"Yeah...that was...really---" His cheeks redden, at a loss for words.
"Nice."
"Yeah, nice, that's the word I was looking for."
"Happy New Year?"
"Happy New Year." He nudges him. "You never told me your resolution."
Tucker winks, placing his hand in Spec's hip. "Don't need to. I already did my resolution for this year."
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