I was very lucky to meet some very close friends in undergrad who I still consider some of my best friends, over 10 years after we first met. We've grown up together and shared a lot of life experiences, and we still hang out and play video games together on discord every weekend even though many of us no longer live in the same state. I owe a lot to that group of friends - we've said and done some incredibly mean things to each other, especially when we were younger, but we're also so honest and blunt that I firmly believe any conflict we have can be resolved by us talking it out. It's a group that I never have to worry about being misunderstood or try and guess what others are thinking, because we are all so comfortable expressing ourselves around each other. Even though we initially grew close through online gaming, after years and years of knowing each other, we've learned so much about each other and supported each other through a lot of hard times (dropping out of schools, layoffs, family stuff, etc.). Now, people can vent about their struggles, or share exciting news, while we're running it down in League of Legends, and we're all excited to talk about ourselves and listen to each other without judgement.

I'm sharing this to say that as someone who hasn't really had a close romantic relationship in my life before that there are many different ways to build emotional closeness, and that you can also be part of building that change into your life! It may strain your existing relationships, or force you to develop new friendships and connections, but you may also be surprised by the people who you are already friends with who you may not have given the chance to see your full self! I think this is one aspect of patriarchy and masculinity that sometimes goes unconsidered - all the ways in which men from a very young age are taught to basically engage in emotional self-harm, and to view all emotional expression other than anger as a weakness that can be exploited by others. And yes, unfortunately, sometimes other people will try and take advantage of that or judge you for it. But at the end of the day, those aren't the people who you want to be friends with anyways, who never let you be your real full human self, with all its joys and flaws.

So be vulnerable! Love your friends! Talk about yourself! Listen to the people you care about and ask them how they feel! It can feel devastating and scary at first, but you can start one small step at a time, one conversation at a time, one friend at a time. And as you slowly start to practice expressing yourself to others, you'll also be able to develop a better understanding of yourself.

Hope this helps!

Repost of a comment on SAMH:

Hi! I am 2nd gen Chinese American, I am non-binary (agender) but a lot of my closest friends are men, and I was socialized male, so I relate to a lot of what you shared! I am also neurodivergent (ADHD) so I feel like I had to "manually" learn a lot of social skills as an adult that other people acquired automatically when they were younger, which shapes my perpsective.

Something that I think was really powerful to me was to start thinking of communicating and expressing my feelings as a skill. It's something you get better at by practicing it! And inevitably during that process you'll make mistakes and screw things up, but the great thing about communicating your feelings is that you also have opportunities to practice rephrasing and clarifying your miscommunication, and to apologize and repair when things don't work out the way you intended.

I think often times men have a lot of social pressure put on them to not express their feelings, and it creates a feedback loop of emotional dysregulation Men often don't get chances to express or communicate their feelings, which makes it harder for them to name and identify their feelings, which makes it even harder to communicate and be emotionally vulnerable. It can be really hard to break out of that loop!

I'm still trying to figure out dating and relationships myself, but something that I think really helped me grow as a person was being emotionally vulnerable with trusted friends (men, women, and others). By practicing emotionally vulnerability and emotional communication with friends that you trust, it helps you build up that sense of self-confidence and self-knowledge.

Something I had to realize is that emotional vulnerability has lot of give-and-take, or exchange. Not in a perverse, "greedy" way, but in what I think of as an emotional bid. I always considered myself a really open person who was seeking closer emotional connections with people, but I noticed that most people wouldn't necessarily want to have that emotional connection with me. I had to learn that to slowly build and develop that trust, I ALSO had to share about MY emotions with others and not just be a "good listener."

I always viewed expressing my own emotions to others, especially negative emotions, as being deeply burdensome to other people, even though I don't feel that way at all when other people express their emotions to me (within reason)! What I am slowly realizing is that by expressing some of my own emotional vulnerabilities to others who I trust and cared about, it made them feel safe expressing those same emotions to me, so that we could slowly grow closer over time. Sometimes, I mess up, and "overshare" or try to become closer with someone before they are ready. But that's also something that you just have to practice over time, and each individual person's style of communicating is its own puzzle to figure out. I think that is also part of the joy of learning more about my friends and the people I care about!

Repost of a comment on SAMH:

Hi! I am 2nd gen Chinese American, I am non-binary (agender) but a lot of my closest friends are men, and I was socialized male, so I relate to a lot of what you shared! I am also neurodivergent (ADHD) so I feel like I had to "manually" learn a lot of social skills as an adult that other people acquired automatically when they were younger, which shapes my perpsective.

Something that I think was really powerful to me was to start thinking of communicating and expressing my feelings as a skill. It's something you get better at by practicing it! And inevitably during that process you'll make mistakes and screw things up, but the great thing about communicating your feelings is that you also have opportunities to practice rephrasing and clarifying your miscommunication, and to apologize and repair when things don't work out the way you intended.

I think often times men have a lot of social pressure put on them to not express their feelings, and it creates a feedback loop of emotional dysregulation Men often don't get chances to express or communicate their feelings, which makes it harder for them to name and identify their feelings, which makes it even harder to communicate and be emotionally vulnerable. It can be really hard to break out of that loop!

I'm still trying to figure out dating and relationships myself, but something that I think really helped me grow as a person was being emotionally vulnerable with trusted friends (men, women, and others). By practicing emotionally vulnerability and emotional communication with friends that you trust, it helps you build up that sense of self-confidence and self-knowledge.

Something I had to realize is that emotional vulnerability has lot of give-and-take, or exchange. Not in a perverse, "greedy" way, but in what I think of as an emotional bid. I always considered myself a really open person who was seeking closer emotional connections with people, but I noticed that most people wouldn't necessarily want to have that emotional connection with me. I had to learn that to slowly build and develop that trust, I ALSO had to share about MY emotions with others and not just be a "good listener."

I always viewed expressing my own emotions to others, especially negative emotions, as being deeply burdensome to other people, even though I don't feel that way at all when other people express their emotions to me (within reason)! What I am slowly realizing is that by expressing some of my own emotional vulnerabilities to others who I trust and cared about, it made them feel safe expressing those same emotions to me, so that we could slowly grow closer over time. Sometimes, I mess up, and "overshare" or try to become closer with someone before they are ready. But that's also something that you just have to practice over time, and each individual person's style of communicating is its own puzzle to figure out. I think that is also part of the joy of learning more about my friends and the people I care about!

Soul Siphon

I guess I was so, so greedy After all, this time Passed, or failed To generate compound interest In me. Really, none of those attributes mattered, so Why? Why was I trying so hard Of hearing, ignoring the truth that was self-evident in Or out, of touch Craving, did these desires not count for anything more Or less than blood and wires?

Maybe there really are only lovers and fighters And I have picked too many battles Chosen too many hills to die on Staking my heart on so many hopeless barrows

Carrying this weight so far has made me attached Leaving it behind feels like giving up It's scary walking away, but even scarier To live the rest of my life knowing I did not try to live

Excerpt Repost from Subtle Asian Mental Health

My family is very warm and accepting, while remaining culturally Cantonese (and Canadian, and American) in a lot of ways. But my parents are also open-minded people, and even though they make mistakes, I think they are generally willing to listen to me even when I disagree with them, which I think has partially to do with their upbringing and spending a large part of their early years growing up without their parents' direct oversight. I think something that is easy to forget is that immigration is an inherently traumatic experience. It's especially easy to buy into the model minority myth, and the implicit assumption that when abuse happens in Asian families, it is because of "culture." But I don't think that's it at all. Asian folks leave their home countries for many reasons - political change, war, economic downturn. Each situation is different. But for the most part, the common backdrop in many of our collective pan-Asian experiences is the intergenerational trauma of western imperialism, and it's hard to understate the deep psychological, economic, political, and social harm caused by generations of genocide, war, famine, and theft. Obviously, experiencing trauma isn't an excuse to treat your family like shit. But I think it is also more complicated than "Asian families are inherently less loving than white families," and I think a lot of that results from internalized racism and the trauma of constantly viewing ourselves from a white lens. What is important is that white culture and Asian cultures do EXPRESS things differently. Neither is more predisposed to healthy or unhealthy family dynamics. But they may look DIFFERENT in how those versions appear. From my own experience with white friends and their families, I think white families that "appear" friendly and warm from the outside may have a lot of shit going on under the surface that an outsider might not see (religious trauma, domestic violence, infidelity, homophobia). White families also have a COMPLETELY different sense of money than a lot of Asian families, and while sometimes that can be a positive (independence), I also have seen it cut the other way (coldness and cutting children off). If you always view Asian families from a white individualist perspective, they will seem "bad," but a lot of it is just because of the lens of white individualism. There are a lot of toxic Asian families too, but we should think about what SPECIFICALLY is wrong about each one on a case-by-case basis, instead of being lazy and making sweeping racialized generalizations about ourselves that we have a "toxic culture" that is frankly untrue (and also compresses the wild diversity and variety among Asian cultures across East, Southeast, South, and Central Asia that are all very different from each other). White culture has plenty of patriarchy, homophobia, ageism, disrespect, domination, and abuse in it. Even if the "flavor" of abuse is different than many Asian cultures, it's still widely pervasive in white families. I think what a lot of overseas 2nd+ gen Asians don't realize is that they are conflating "white families" with a Hollywood concept of what a happy white family looks like, and I don't think that this picture of a domestic white family actually has much basis in reality. No family or culture is perfect, and the nature of this group and this page predisposes us towards only hearing from the "bad" side. But I hope that we in this community can also celebrate the ways that Asian parents DO show love, and the ways that WE show love to ourselves and to the people we care about that are just as meaningful and valid.

"Any single people in this group? Do you jealous when you see couples holding hands? I do but I don't know why?" social media response

I think it’s a natural response and it’s easy to feel jealous! Something that helps me is reminding myself that I don’t actually know anything about their relationship. Maybe they’re happy together, maybe they’re not. Maybe they just met, maybe they have known each other for years. From just a quick impression it’s impossible to tell, no matter how they appear at first glance. I think when you’re single and sad about it, it’s easy to get down on yourself and wonder if there’s something wrong about you. It can feel lonely and isolating. But I think through experience, talking to people, and seeing new perspectives, I realized lots of people in relationships are pretty unhappy. A lot of them have depression, or feel misunderstood by their partner, or are trapped in a codependent or abusive relationship. Some of them completely lose their sense of self and identity in favor of pleasing a partner. Dating someone doesn’t magically solve someone’s underlying problems and might even create new ones. Some of the people in relationships might be happy! I hope that they are. But there’s no reason to feel ashamed of not being in a relationship and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Tons of great people are in great relationships. There are also awful people in relationships who hurt others, and also people who are sad and miserable in relationships they don’t know how to leave. I think if you can accept that and realize that there is nothing wrong with you for being single, it will be easier for you to let go of things outside of your control. You should strive to be an authentic person. You can’t control who else likes you, so why not become someone who YOU like, so you can love yourself? Someday, someone might want to be in a relationship with you and it might be amazing. It might also suck, and be filled with problems. (Most likely, it will be filled with both ups and downs, like all human connections). But also, even if that never happens for the rest of your life, it doesn’t mean that the love you hold in your heart is any less real. And all your non-romantic relationships, whether as a friend, child, sibling, cousin, aunt/uncle, coworker, or community member, are just as if not more meaningful, no matter what society might try to convince you of otherwise.

Imaginal Disc

Something winning hurts like losing I don't want to lose The muscles in my body I'm not ready to let All my flesh atrophy away and Fly

Why should I change? I have lived so long In my terrestrial world Crawling and bleeding For scraps and leaves And their varicose veins

Everyone telling me to grow up Pair off And fly away But I can't stand Their unbearable lightness

I know that future lives inside me But does it really need to see the light? I'm still hungry for something And I'm still busy weaving The silken threads that tie me back down to the earth

Monkey King

What if all the stars blinked out one by one Like the wrath of god or the sign of four Or some little prince Of thieves, digging a shallow grave with a shallow spade like A graverobber trapped under the mountain fist Of Buddha’s rock tomb With all our forebearers, holding up the world Alongside Atlas in hell

All these components that don’t fit together Built from parts of some archaic editor that Form these angelic terrors that Make it easy to be scared, easy to be scarred Because it’s hard to appreciate nice things

This is why we can’t have nice things

I wanted to turn over another stone Like I’d already forgotten what a stone looked like I wanted to see a fresh space and discover what was hiding from me What sentiment was contained in that sediment Formed by so many millennia Of smooth river runs and snowcapped glacial fissures What lava plumes or scalding torrents Emerged from the sandstone Boiling under the harsh sun and endless rain

But I had forgotten that a stone is just a stone No matter how many secrets it holds Or skips along the surface ripples it breathes… Why would I expect it not to sink As if the type of my heart was made of a different substance?

Aspirate

I want to dream of soft things Fight duels instead of wars I thought it would be nice to have A few friends, a home, and a family Who show me love And I could play and and sleep and eat and Listen

I keep hearing it’s not enough, But maybe it is(?)

The whole world is inside of my heart And I take great pains to protect it

And yet, I still want to be touched I still want to let someone into my tiny, Beautiful world And admire the sounds of our voices breathing In unison, from the same air That our sounds travel though And if they held on tightly enough To my hand, then maybe this time They wouldn’t drift away

the fine line between patience and apathy (how gong gong felt at Happy Valley) - open mic edit

80s construction Hard hats, bamboo scaffolding for tunnels, seismic arteries Filled with urban blood

This is how we privatize the commons Franchise, disenfranchise Like a lonely riot

The world is so mundane

What’s wrong with living simply? I never asked for much All these fathers and brothers keep telling me To do more, but what’s wrong with honest work? A pack of cigarettes to burn, an offering for my lungs to those passed, There’s more to life than peddling watches like a conman selling time

When the bets are in and the horse hooves thunder, My restless heart is eased

I feel the sweat and blood in the horses link to my melancholic disposition that’s more real than life is, filled with dreams that my life isn’t, I don’t forget what I am (that is, finite) but for a brief moment I am here

zeong kei is like a sad story Where can you run when your general is pinned? These cannons and elephants were not the freedom I was promised And this time, though the rules will not save me, I'll stay to play one last time

Still, I'm happy to slowly waste away Watching the skirmishing horses, the chariots chasing the sweet taste of victory across the river Yet, the water is so much emptier than I’d dreamed

intergenerational trauma

My dad grew up as the eldest son in a family of 3 boys. My dad’s dad died when he was still a teenager, and my dad’s mom was abusive (physically, emotionally, and later financially). My dad struggled a lot in his life, and then was also expected to put his whole life on hold to put his brothers through college. His mom would physically beat him, and later even after he was an adult and living in a different country, he would constantly be guilt tripped into sending money back. If he didn’t send “enough” (and no amount was ever enough), his mom would mail him letters or call him at his work number, telling him he was a terrible son and that all the money he made should belong to her because she raised him. After enduring this for a long time, my dad decided to go no-contact with her shortly after my sibling and I were born. My dad doesn’t really talk about his family. It is painful for him and I think he has also repressed a lot of the memories associated with it. When I was growing up, it was hard for me to understand why he decided he needed to do that. Years later as an adult, and having had friends in similar situations, I have a deeper understanding of what could push someone to the point where they had no choice but to separate themselves completely from their family, especially when it is far too late for the original abuse to be repaired. It’s one thing to apologize, but an apology with no real possibility of addressing the harm that was caused is meaningless. My dad did not speak with anyone in his family for 2 decades after until his mom (my grandma) died last year. My uncle contacted me instead of my dad to share the news, and I relayed it to him. Thinking back to what I observed as a kid, I think my dad did what he needed to survive. Not only was the original abuse never addressed, there was still ongoing harm that was constantly hurting him. He also didn’t want that relationship to harm the rest of his family, and that’s a big part of why he made that decision that he did not want her in the lives of his children either. From my own selfish perspective, the hardest part for me is that I don’t have a connection with my uncles and cousins on my dad’s side of the family, because my dad felt that he had to cut himself off from everyone, including his younger brothers. Because his younger brothers had a different experience growing up, I don’t think they were ever able you see it from my dad’s perspective and understand his decision. That saddens me, but I don’t blame my dad for it. Ending a relationship with a family member is difficult, and even though no one should feel like they ever have to do that, sometimes that is what it takes to move on and survive. And I don’t think anyone should ever feel bad about choosing to end a relationship with someone who abused them and never made an effort to repair that harm other than a too-little-too-late apology, no matter how sincere. I think any amount of reduced contact, either partially or entirely, is completely valid. I hope you’re able to move on and find your own joy and happiness in life, even if that life doesn’t include the family member you mention. I’m also glad that it sounds like you’re able to maintain a relationship with your sibling, and that if that is a positive relationship for you, I hope that you’re able to maintain it. Take care. There’s still a lot of love left out there in the world for you, and it can come from many other places than a family that is an accident of birth.

actually, it is other people who are wrong

I would love to be in a healthy and happy long term romantic relationship, but it’s also not a life milestone for me that I’m trying to check off. The way I see it, I’m not trying to speedrun the “dating -> long term relationship -> traditional cishet marriage -> make a kid” life path. Not that it’s bad to do that, for a lot of people that can be very fulfilling and meaningful (my parents did that and I think that overall it made both of them very happy). But it’s also not the only way to have a meaningful and happy life, and for many people it makes them actively UNHAPPY (to which the high divorce rate and large number of unhappy and/or toxic relationships is a testament to). Until recently, even though I was quite happy unpartnered, I still felt like it must be reflecting something poorly about myself, even though I have a wonderful relationship with my family and close friends. Something that made me change my mind was reframing the question of “why am I single,” to “why are so many people INCAPABLE of being single?” That completely shifted my perspective, because it made me realize I wasn’t necessarily single because I was deficient in anything, but rather because my social and emotional needs were being met by the other awesome people who I spend time with. While many people do find happy and healthy mutually supportive relationships, a LOT of people are serial monogamists who repeatedly end up in the same awful relationship dynamic over and over. I think it’s easy to say that people like that are irrational, or have low standards, or are trauma-impacted, etc. but I don’t think that’s the full story. I realize now that a lot of people *do not know how to function* without being in a coupled, codependent relationship. The reason they keep falling into the same codependent dynamic is because they have a debilitating fear and inability to emotionally self-regulate while alone (and maybe they lack other support networks in their life from friends and family). They are forced to seek out a relationship at all times because they don’t know how to exist without it, and they live in constant fear of their partner leaving them even if it isn’t a relationship that makes them happy or secure. While many people are able to be in healthy relationships and maintain a sense of self and identity, a lot of people aren’t dating because they want to - it’s because they don’t know how to exist alone. They spend absurd amounts of time and energy on another person, and if that relationship ends they have nothing left for themselves, and never learn how to cope. So instead of thinking of being single as a deficiency, it’s sometimes more accurate to think of “the need to constantly be dating someone” as the actual deficiency. If someday I meet someone and discover over time that we are very compatible, I would love to be in a relationship. But I’m slowly learning more about myself and making connections that are just as valuable as romantic relationships. I love my parents, I have a great relationship with my sister, and I have close friends who I have known for over a decade. That’s meaningful to me. I don’t need to contort myself to conform to other people’s expectations of what kind of human connections are allowed to be valuable. Full disclosure, I still get lonely of course, and sometimes I do wish I was dating. But when I think about the amount of effort and time I would need to put in just to FIND someone (not even considering sustaining that connection) and what else in my life I’d have to give up in exchange to have that kind of life, I can’t really say it’s worth it to me. My time and energy is finite. Someday my feeling might change, but that’s how I feel right now.

Compassion

We need other people sometimes To show us the compassion we do not afford ourselves Someone else to tell us, It's okay To be a little bit selfish sometimes (as a treat)

Some things have value because you earned them Some things have value because they're freely given It's important to know the difference And not hurt yourself in your confusion

We do most things alone but it's okay To switch sometimes We all have different strengths and weaknesses

Pocket Aces

I wish I was normal so that I could be special Being special is a privilege, To be one of a kind, non-fungible (as it were) But to be special, first you have to be normal So that you can have value (under capitalism)

Otherwise, you’re just “different” With you’re your weird needs and weird wants Which is good for making weird friends (who I love) But less suitable for marketing purposes Since my brand is being forgetful, Not paying attention, Caring too much and too little, Being too capable and not capable enough

I can never guess what people want from me

And if you play without seeing the river It’s easy to fold every hand Waiting Only to get blown out when you all-in on pocket aces

Two lonely aces Alone together But maybe that’s still enough for me

Notes for the Oppressors

If you continue to speak the language of violence, Do not be surprised when those downtrodden people Learn to speak back in the same tongue

King of Harts

No fate is needed To pass through the gateless gate No destiny to reach Inside, the closest things Are sometimes farthest away The things farthest away Can orient us, illuminated by hydrogen And ancient forces older than the night sky

It’s easy to forget about the ones who stay They’re always there, but they don’t have to choose to come back every day Countless choices that fill up these days and weeks and months and seasons As we hurtle through space and time Ships in the night touching the finger tips of astral bodies Who keep finding their way back And seek me

It’s fine to keep planting new seeds In the shade of the old trees who keep us company But I know season after season When the springtime flowers return to dust Or are grazed clear by the harts and hinds That the oaks and pines will still be there for me And their roots will ground me back into this place That’s no place, the gateless gate to the gardenless garden, In the bloodless heart of the crownless king Who is me, but not me

And I’ll know by then who chose to stay Who were grave and gritty Time tested, who went through all that pain and hardship with me It could just be the luck of the draw, But I prefer to think it was the only Way The cards could have fall

Being in love is kinda like wanting to die (but not really)

If desire is about objectification Then I don't really want to satisfy desire I spend all day being objectified Exchanging my labor for wages And selling my body, I Just wanted to be a human being To someone

Every time I think I might be in love I kinda want to die (but only kinda) Not because I want to kill myself or anything, But just because the anxiety reaches deep into My gut it tears me apart, I can't be normal anymore I can't control myself and I certainly can't Exchange my labor for wages

I don't know why anyone wants to fall in love And feel those torrential currents slosh about in my stomach The nausea and the bile eating through my feelings And the warmth and the fever burning me up inside

It makes me want to die

And yet

I think it would be so wonderful To be a full human being to someone To show them all those gross and pathetic parts about yourself That you normally try and hide To be that raw and blubbering mess To puke when you're sick (or maybe just a little bit worried) To cry and hug together, To suffer a bit together Just do laundry and taxes together

And sometimes I think, maybe that would be nice Which makes me feel like maybe I don't want to die yet Before someone really sees the sad, pathetic person I am and says, “that's okay.”

Out of time

It feels a little bit like being         Out                 Of                         Time         Of batteries                 A backwards clock                         Running in reverse         This iteration it will be different                 Burning through electric                         Thermodynamic arrow         in my mind If I was out                         Of                 Time                                 But maybe         If I wasn't lost I could find                                                 What was I looking For what?                 It keeps happening, cycling through those different                                 Versions, those different selves         What was I was looking for?                                                 At this time?                               Flows                                              It had to be this way Like the fresh scent of laundry and taxes         And everything comes out                         Congeals                                                 Like pork blood in soup                         Keep losing and winning                 Ahead of where we started Out of place, out of mind Out of space, out of time Rolling on and on only to gently stop And cry with love