laurensliminalspace
Lauren's Liminal Space
exploring the space in between
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Building confidence with chronic illness and disability
What does it look like to be empowered and confident with a disability or chronic illness?
I’ve been pondering this lately as I find it’s easy to get into the mindset that when my health improves or if I fully recover, then I’ll finally feel confident, badass and empowered. And yes, that’s partly true. Having more energy and wellbeing definitely gives me a huge boost in my mood and sense of self efficacy. I also think it’s great to work on improving our health as much as possible.
However, what do we do in the mean time? What would it look like to be the best version of myself, right here with my current circumstances? I've been pondering this question recently, and wanted to explore it further.
Unfortunately, many of us get trapped in a downward spiral that feels out of our control. Feeling unwell saps our self esteem, and having to stop jobs, reduce social activities or limit hobbies can be very depressing. It’s a vicious circle that can be tough to escape. Financial and health struggles can create so much anxiety and stress, it can feel crippling not just physically, but mentally, too. It can feel shameful and embarrassing, and often we just want to hide and protect ourselves.
There can also be a lot of self-consciousness about our physical bodies and appearance. For example, many medications can make people put on weight, fatigue can cause dark circles under the eyes, and allergies can make people’s faces look puffy. Surgeries can also leave people with scars and it’s normal to wonder if people will find you attractive, especially in the dating scene.
However, the great thing about working on our health and confidence is that it can also be an upward spiral. Confidence can help motivate and empower us to improve our health and life situation, and in turn the increase in energy and health can boost our confidence. I’ve found that even improving my health by 5% or 10% can make a surprisingly dramatic difference in my overall quality of life. Every little bit counts!
Here is my advice, based on my life experience - in no particular order:
One: Escape the comparison trap.
Stop comparing to others, especially other able bodied people. Even comparing to others with the same condition can be highly problematic, as people have wildly varying symptoms, different levels of severity, as well as different levels of support and financial resources. Many people with the same outward symptoms also have a completely different root cause (or combination of root causes). Not to mention the treatments that work for some may not work for others at all. Some people find a silver bullet solution, but for most people, it’s more complex than just one thing.
Focus on yourself and stay in your lane. Concentrate on your personal achievements and look at how far you’ve come. Being able to walk for five minutes may mean nothing to the average person, but it may be a huge milestone for you. Don’t forget to celebrate your wins! Even the small ones. Also embrace the reality that the journey is going to be up and down. You’re going to have good days and bad days. Don’t let that discourage you from continuing.
Two: Self compassion and self acceptance.
Work on talking to yourself with more love, compassion and acceptance. Acceptance is really important because we need to come to terms with our reality, which is often incredibly frustrating and painful. This often involves a great deal of grief too. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, and hold space for them. I find journalling, therapy and EFT tapping really helpful in this process. I also really like parts work, and the concept of unblending, as it helps me gain perspective on difficult emotions and parts.
Know that it’s okay to feel the sadness and anger. It’s also okay to feel envious and jealous of people who are able bodied and have easier lives. It’s normal. Don’t add insult to injury by beating yourself up over totally normal emotions!! Society encourages us to repress and deny our shadow, but we need safe spaces to talk about the tough stuff.
Being disabled and chronically ill comes with a huge amount of stigma, and often trauma, too. Get the treatment you need for any trauma that’s holding you back and sapping your spirit. I recommend EMDR and somatic therapy, but there’s lots of other modalities out there too.
Three: Own it fully.
This is easier said than done, but when you’re disabled or chronically ill, it’s better to own it and speak about it as confidently as possible. I find this is especially relevant in social or dating situations. I try to be honest, open and frank about my lifestyle and limitations, rather than hiding it or pretending I don’t have any conditions. This is sometimes a tough line to walk as you don’t want to overshare or freak people out, but in general I prefer to be up front with people.
This also includes freely using mobility aids in public settings, social situations or going on dates. I’ve become very comfortable using a mobility scooter to get around, and often take a walking stick with me too. It takes time to get used to this, but the more you do it, the less self-conscious you’ll feel. Some people find it helps to decorate their mobility aids or get a walking stick that looks funky. Canes can be incorporated into a steampunk, dark academia or dapper aesthetic in a fun way! Find a way to own it and make it your own, in a way that suits your personality and style.
Another area that can be challenging is dealing with dietary limitations. Strict diets and allergies can be tricky, but again, it’s better just to own it. I don’t eat at restaurants, but I still go to restaurants and cafes with friends and enjoy hanging out. Yes, it’s a little awkward sometimes, but you have to push through it. The right people won’t care, and will value your presence more than anything else.
Four: Seek supportive connections, friends and community, whether online or off.
Find friends, groups and events that are supportive, uplifting and accessible. Don’t hang around people who judge you or drag you down. Even people who constantly insist on giving annoying unsolicited advice (like "just drink more water!") can drain your precious spoons.
I know this is so much easier said than done, because being disabled or chronically ill can bring with it a great deal of isolation. It’s natural to just hang on to whatever connections you have, and not want to let go or burn a bridge. So be kind to yourself if there’s some people you’re just not ready to let go of right now. But keep looking for better friends who are going to life you up and who fully accept and celebrate you as you are.
Never, ever assume you have to tolerate any abuse or mistreatment because you’re disabled or chronically ill. You are not a burden and never deserve to be treated badly.
The same goes for dates and partners. Don’t settle for people who are toxic, judgemental or just tolerate you – rather than fully accepting and loving you right now, for who you are. Also, find people who respect and cherish you as a person, not for what you can do for them or what you achieve. People who are very focused on things like class, money and status are usually best avoided where possible.
Five: Cultivate a sense of purpose in your life that’s bigger than you.
I find when I’m focused on my purpose and calling, it’s easier to be confident because I’m not so focused on what other people think of me. I recognise that I have a calling that’s a lot more important than that! Obviously, this is easier said than done, especially if you can no longer work – or have had to change jobs, or reduce your work hours. Even volunteering can be surprisingly difficult when you have health limitations.
But purpose, meaning and calling in life are much greater than what we do for money, or even our hobbies. Relationships are a core source of meaning and purpose for many people. Being creative and growing spiritually are also significant. I’ve written more about this in other blog posts, but I find this is a significant piece of building a sense of empowerment in difficult circumstances. Reflecting on your core values can be really powerful and inspiring.
I’d recommend doing an exercise where you select words or phrases that represent your core values in life.
Six: Don’t be afraid to have fun, explore and try new things, as much as you can!
I find singing and dancing at home to positive, empowering songs can really boost my mood and confidence. It can be hard to be as spontaneous and active as I would like, but I still try my best to engage in life to the fullest extent of my capabilities. Sometimes this means asking for help or using mobility aids to get to certain events. It can also mean more planning ahead when travelling.
I really love riding my escooter, as it gives me an adrenaline rush but isn’t too tiring. Think outside the box and be open to new experiences. Brene Brown talks about engaging in laughter, song and dance in her guidelines for wholehearted living, and I think it’s applicable here. Watching hilarious movies and having a laugh with friends can be so uplifting.
Finally, don’t discount celebrating your sexuality. Disabled people are often portrayed as non-sexual, but exploring dating and sex can be a lot of fun and very empowering.
Practical suggestions:
Explore journalling about – what does it mean to live my best and fullest life with my current limitations? What does being empowered and confident look like for me right now? Brainstorm whatever comes to mind.
If you’re feeling rejected or unworthy, put your hand on your heart or your belly, and send love to the parts of you that are holding these emotions. I find self compassion practice can be really powerful.
EFT tapping is a great tool for working through negative core beliefs, like “I’m a burden” or “I’m not enough”.
If people give you a compliment, take a screenshot or write it down and save it into a folder on your computer for whenever you feel down and need a pick me up.
Try writing down your strengths, good qualities and things you like about yourself.
Create a celebration jar where you write down anything you’re proud of or qualities your love about yourself on little bits of paper. Put them in the jar and you can open it whenever you need a reminder. Another option is putting a marble or stone in a jar whenever you do something you’re proud of.
Experiment with visualising yourself as your most confident, empowered self. You could go back to a past memory where you were feeling your best, or imagine yourself in the future. I find doing this while listening to music can be really uplifting.
Use positive affirmations, for example: My worth and value is based on who I am, not on my achievements. I am confident. I am powerful. I deserve to be treated well. If it feels a bit fake or forced, you could try asking yourself, “What if I felt confident?” and see what arises.
Further links and resources:
Chronic Illness and Confidence: How to Rebuild
Facing the World with Confidence and Chronic Illness
How to be Confident While Being Chronically Ill
#chronic illness#disabled#me#cfs#mecfs#spoonie#disability#illness#mental health#confidence#mindset#fibromyalgia#mcas#empower#empowering#empowerment
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Finding your voice and style as an artist
There's a great deal of advice out there about how to find your voice and style as an artist, but it doesn't necessarily address the why question.
If you primarily create art as a passion, finding a recognisable style doesn't really matter that much. You are free to explore and experiment as much as you want! However, if you want to turn you art into a business and make an income, then developing a consistent brand is more likely to be successful.
Of course, some people want a consistent style for other reasons - for example, they want to become well known and recognisable, but aren't particularly interested in creating an income. Also, specialising in one style or medium can give you the opportunity to excel and build your skill set. Sometimes focusing on one thing can be more fulfilling and rewarding. Everyone is different!
Many artists do a bit of both. They might have one or two art styles that they create primarily for income, and then experiment with others in their spare time. Often they will use separate social media accounts with different names to distinguish them.
There are even successful artists who create in more than one style, such as The Naked Pastor who creates comics about religion and politics, but also paints delicate watercolour landscapes. While choosing only one style is often simpler for marketing purposes, you don't have to limit yourself.
So before you go any further, you have to find your why.
The tricky thing about finding your voice and style is that it needs to be narrow enough to be consistent and recognisable. Yet it also needs to be expansive enough to allow for growth, variety and experimentation. Finding this balance is easier said than done, for most of us. We don't want to get bored and stuck just making the exact same thing over and over!
I found this perspective from Michelle Gaugy very insightful:
"Ultimately, you must decide what kind of career you wish to have. It takes many years to develop a mature style and many years to get that style presented to and accepted by a demanding public. Simultaneously, you must continue to grow artistically. The tightrope you must walk is how to maintain your artistic integrity and growth and still have a recognizable style that meets the needs of your collectors. This is a very difficult and tricky thing to accomplish.
There is great risk involved. Greater risk can result in greater payoff - but it can also result in failure. The art world is littered with the bones of failed artists. Only you can develop the acute sensitivity required to determine “how much risk” and “how much change” will work for you at any given time. But I will suggest to you that you must always do this in the context of the larger question: What is it that you wish from your art career in total?"
Here are some tips which have helped me with this. I will freely admit, I haven't got it all figured out yet! I'm still learning and growing as an artist myself.
One: If you're a student or beginner, don't worry about finding your style. This is the time to experiment and explore, and it will stifle your creativity if you try to narrow it down prematurely. Often your style will unfold organically over time, as you find what you enjoy most. Be playful and have fun with it!
Two: I would recommend working in a series, for example a series of 10-15 works base on a particular theme or idea. This can help tie your work together. Creating in a series also works well if you want to put on an exhibition.
Try sticking with one medium and a consistent colour palette for a while, as this will tie your work together visually. Or if you prefer to change your colour palette, try a consistent subject matter, e.g. landscapes, nudes, animals, etc.
Alternatively, you could tie your work together thematically, by focusing on a particular idea or concept such as climate change, indigenous rights, etc.
Three: Look at your favourite artists for inspiration and ideas. Find 3-5 artists you admire, and write down what elements you like best in their work. For example, do you like the colour? The texture? The linework? What emotional impact does it have? You can combine these elements in a new and unique way as you cultivate your own style and voice.
Four: What kind of process do you enjoy the most? Many of us focus on what kind of art appeals to us aesthetically, and what we prefer to look at. That's an important consideration to begin with. Yet I find it more helpful to consider, what actually feels good to make? What processes do I enjoy? If you enjoy the actual creative process, it will be far more sustainable.
Five: My final and most important piece of advice is to be patient with yourself. It's normal to feel lost, confused and unsure on your artistic journey. You don't have to figure everything out immediately! So if you have no idea what your style and voice is, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Trust and have faith that it will unfold and become clearer with time. Always give yourself compassion.
Further Resources:
Find Your Artistic Voice by Lisa Congdon
How to Find Your Style: A Guide for Artists
How Do I Find My Art Style? Artprof
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Building a Healthy Relationship: The Three Foundations
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and what is most important to me. I really wanted to drill down to the absolute essentials that are at the core of a healthy, sustainable partnership.
The three most foundational factors I’ve identified are as follows:
One: Character – I consider “character” to be about whether someone is kind, honest, trustworthy, patient, compassionate and has integrity. It’s not so much about personality traits that are neutral, like introversion versus extroversion, but rather the choices people make with what they have. It’s about whether someone is truly a good person at heart, whether they genuinely care about others or whether they are mostly selfish in orientation.
Two: Emotional availability – Is this person emotionally available to have a committed, secure-functioning (see Stan Tatkin for more info) relationship long-term? This foundational element is closely linked with attachment styles. Typically people with Secure or Anxious-Preoccupied attachment styles tend to be more emotionally available, while those who are Fearful-Avoidant or Dismissive-Avoidant will remain unavailable unless they proactively work to change.
Three: Mental/emotional stability – This is about whether someone is mentally and emotionally stable enough to maintain a healthy, secure-functioning relationship and consistently treat their partner with love, respect and care. I’m not saying that anyone has to be 100% stable, as that is quite unrealistic. However, many people are not stable enough to be able to actually maintain a healthy relationship with another person, and often relationships fall apart for this reason.
There will also be some variation from person to person in terms of what they need or what they can handle in a romantic partnership. Some people can handle a much higher level of emotional or mental instability in a partner than others. Some can tolerate someone who is more avoidant or emotionally unavailable, without undue harm or distress. But in general, these three factors are common issues that make or break partnerships.
Next you have the ‘pillars’ of the house, which are other important aspects of compatibility that often end up being deal breakers. These include the following:
Core values and ideals
Relationship goals, e.g. do they want to get married, do they believe in monogamy, do they want children, etc.
General future goals and dreams (e.g. with regard to career, where they want to live, and so on)
Beliefs and worldview – religion/spirituality or lack thereof
Skills and values about finances and money management
The last layer, or the ‘roof’ of the house, include these aspects of compatibility:
Love languages
Personality types
Interests, passions and hobbies
Cultural background
Lifestyle – e.g. does this person like to travel or move frequently? How important is it to live in a clean and tidy house?
Sexual chemistry and compatibility, including libido levels and sexual preferences
Each element of the building is important, and worthy of consideration when vetting potential partners in the dating process. You need all aspects in place to form a truly healthy, lasting and sustainable relationship. However, there does tend to be a little more leeway in the last category. For example, people with very different personality types can often still have a healthy, happy partnership if they have shared values, goals and compatible attachment styles. Having shared hobbies and interests is a great bonus, but not essential for all couples.
What would your ideal relationship “house” look like? What are the most important elements that you can’t live without?
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Is it possible to feel fully seen and understood by a partner who hasn’t experienced much trauma?
I recently saw someone post about this on Reddit, and thought it was a really interesting and thought-provoking question. I have found that I tend to gravitate towards friends and partners who have experienced past trauma or significant challenges in their lives (such as chronic illness) because they are often far less judgemental than those with more privileged lives.
I want people in my life who accept me and understand me as I am. Yet people with significant past trauma (or present struggles) can be quite dysfunctional, and can lead to some very toxic relationships - especially in the romance department. Insecure attachment styles can be really difficult in close relationships, and often secure people are more stable in the long term.
Is there a happy medium? Here is my take:
I can definitely relate to this, and it's such a difficult conundrum!
I do think it's valid to want someone to at least show some curiosity about the things that are interesting and important to you - including attachment theory, personal growth and inner work. Ideally in any new relationship, both people show interest in each other's passions and life story, even if it's very different to their own. If the other person seems bored and disengaged when you talk about something very important to you, and has no curiosity whatsoever, then they may not be a good fit regardless of background.
Also someone doesn't need to experience exactly the same trauma or wounding (or have any major trauma in their past) to be good at showing compassion, empathy and emotional support. Being able to listen well is a valuable skill in a partner and it's understandable you would desire that. People can be self aware and share an interest in psychology and personal growth without those life experiences, though to be fair, it is probably somewhat less common.
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Searching for purpose with chronic illness
"There is nothing in the world, I venture to say, that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions as the knowledge that there is a meaning in one's life." Viktor E. Frankl
What’s the point of it all?
Have you ever wondered this before? Have you ever felt life was aimless or meaningless?
When you become chronically ill, it can create a crisis of meaning in one’s life as suddenly people often have to stop working, leave volunteer commitments, and severely curtail their socialising. Many have to let go of regular travel, study or active hobbies like sports, camping or hiking as well. How can we find a sense of meaning and purpose while living with a chronic illness or disability?
It can seem impossible at times, especially when you are stuck in bed for days and the best you can manage is passively scrolling through Reddit or watching Netflix. (Many people even find looking at screens or watching TV/movies too tiring, especially when their condition is severe!)
Being stuck at home and unable to do much can feel incredibly frustrating and lead to feelings of emptiness, boredom and meaninglessness. I have been there myself and it’s an extraordinarily difficult situation to face! It’s a totally natural and normal thing to feel given those circumstances, so it’s important to have self compassion first and foremost. It’s so important to validate and acknowledge these feelings before rushing to solve them. (For more resources on self compassion, I highly recommend Kristin Neff!)
When people think about finding a purpose, they often imagine something really big and life changing, like having children, volunteering in a third world country, or perhaps founding a charity. Alternatively, people may imagine that only people in helping professions (like nurses, doctors or psychologists) or those working for NGOs get to enjoy a deep sense of fulfilment in their day to day life. The rest of us are seemingly doomed to a mundane, meaningless treadmill of existence. Or are we?
While all of the above can certainly be wonderful and rewarding, most of us - especially those with disabilities or chronic illnesses - have to search for meaning in the small things. I really like this quote from Brene Brown:
“Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.”
I tend to find that joy and meaning are closely connected, and often feed into one another.
I fleshed out some of my thoughts recently about finding purpose, and came up with a model based on the metaphor of a tree.:
1. The roots of the tree symbolise our big picture purpose. For me personally, that looks like embodying the presence of the divine. Loving God and loving others. For someone who does not resonate with religion or spirituality, perhaps this could be described as the values you seek to embody such as love, integrity, compassion, authenticity, etc. Broader life themes such as embodiment, transformation and transcendence may inspire you.
2. The trunk of the tree represents our vocational calling and identity. This can include a number of areas like being an artist, a healer, a friend, a partner, a writer, a mystic, etc. Being a healer and a friend includes healing and befriending ourselves, not just helping others. For some people there might be one primary vocation but for most people there are multiple, and it may perhaps vary depending on their season of life.
3. The branches and leaves of the tree are the specific actions we take on a day to day basis. It could include praying with someone. Listening to a friend in need. Starting a Facebook page or discussion group. Creating an artwork or a song. Writing a blog post. Creating a YouTube video. What action can you take today that would make a difference to someone? What’s something simple and meaningful you can do this week?
If you are low on energy, it could just mean something as small as writing an uplifting comment on someone’s social media post. Sending someone a text to ask, “How are you?” Smiling at a neighbour down the road. Watering your houseplants. Playing with your cat. It might mean practicing simple forms of self care, as we are just as worthy of love as anyone else. Sometimes we make things more complicated than they need to be!
I would also highly recommend the blog and podcast “Go Gently: One Thing Today” which was created by Michael Nobbs, a man with ME/CFS. We can still have dreams and goals, but we may just have to adjust them somewhat to fit our current limitations. We will probably need to work on them more slowly and pace ourselves more carefully than before.
I wanted to share this perspective because it’s easy to feel like our lives lack purpose and meaning, when perhaps what we need to do is reframe what we are already involved in to see there is a deeper purpose and calling underlying it. Purpose and meaning have many layers and facets. There may also be new areas to explore which we never previously considered, and the great thing about the internet is that it opens up so many options and possibilities for housebound, chronically ill and disabled people.
Even those who are fully able bodied and healthy can learn from our experiences, as learning to find joy and meaning in the ordinary moments of life can truly benefit anyone. A slow, mindful approach can empower us to savour the simple pleasures and make the most of each day.
Perhaps purpose and meaning are much deeper than anything we do, and much more about who we are. The impact of the energy, presence and love we bring to each person and each moment of our lives should not be underestimated.
“We cannot all do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” ~ Mother Teresa.
Further Reading:
Healing The Purpose of Your Life by Dennis Linn, Sheila Fabricant Linn, Matthew Linn SJ.
How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers by Toni Bernhard
An Overview of Logotherapy (founded by Victor Frankl)
#purpose#meaning#calling#vocation#finding purpose#finding meaning#chronic illness#disabled#spoonie#me#cfs#fibromyalgia#mcas
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Top ten treatments that have helped my ME/CFS the most
I’ve had a few people recently ask me what has helped my health the most, so I thought I’d make a list to share with people a bit more easily. The most important starting point is to practice pacing, but I assume most people reading this are already aware of that - so I want to share what has helped me in particular.
Please note that people with ME/CFS tend to be incredibly variable, and therefore what works for me may not work for you. It might even make you worse, so please make up your own mind and tune into your instincts. The other thing to consider is that what works well in one phase of your journey may not work in another phase, so you have to be open to changing and adjusting things over time.
1. Ketogenic diet: This was recommended by my GP, who said it was one of the few things that seemed to help a lot of people with ME/CFS. My experience was that going ketogenic helped greatly with regulating blood sugar crashes, and stabilised my energy levels. Removing grains also helps to heal the gut.
2. Carnivore diet: The carnivore diet removes a lot of foods which are harsh on the gut, and can be a great way of starting an elimination diet. Many people also benefit from using it long-term. I had a six month 50% remission when I first went carnivore. Unfortunately I moved into a house with a severe mould problem, so that remission did not continue indefinitely.
3. Intermittent fasting: I find I tend to have more energy when fasting, but your mileage may vary. Intermittent fasting can be quite powerful as it enables the brain to prune excess neurons. There are many conditions where excess neuronal connections in the brain cause issues, including autism and ADHD - which are highly correlated with auto/neuroimmune conditions like ME/CFS. (See RCCX Theory for more info on this connection.)
4. Earthing/grounding: I immediately noticed a dramatic calming effect on my nervous system when I first started using an earthing cord! I found it drastically improved my sleep and inflammation levels as well. It’s very inexpensive compared to supplements, as I find one cord/wristband can last me anywhere from 1-3 years. You can also practice earthing by walking barefoot outside, for example on grass or a sandy beach.
5. Liver: When I first started taking Ancestral Supplements liver capsules, I had a dramatic increase in energy for several weeks. I find liver seems to combine many essential nutrients (especially bioavailable B12 and choline) and many people without ME also report that it improves their energy levels. I don’t particularly like the taste of it but if you can find a way to eat it more, it’s worth it.
6. Supplements: I’ve tried many different vitamins, minerals and supplements over the years, and it’s hard to make broad recommendations that will help everyone with ME/CFS. That said, I have found Rhodiola quite good for anxiety and energy. Methylated B vitamins like Folinic Acid and Hydroxy B12 have greatly helped my anxiety levels and detox pathways. I noticed right after I started taking them that my mind instantly felt clearer.
7. CPAP machine: I highly recommend getting a sleep test to check for sleep apnea. Getting a CPAP didn’t cure my ME but it definitely improved my overall wellbeing and enabled me to lose weight. Getting good sleep is so crucial with conditions like ME/CFS!
8. Lymphatic drainage: I have consistently found that lymphatic drainage massage and dry brushing really improve my energy levels immediately. I dry brush all over every day before showering. Professional lymphatic drainage massage is also worthwhile if you can afford it. There’s also plenty of videos on YouTube for DIY lymph drainage if you want to do it yourself.
However, if you’ve never done it before, you may have some nausea or detox reactions afterwards. I got quite nauseous the first time I did it, but after doing it a few times I was fine.
9. Cool showers/baths: I find cool showers and baths really help tone the vagus nerve and increase my overall energy levels. I’d recommend just starting small and not overdoing it, to avoid putting too much stress on your body. For example, just run the water on cool for 30 seconds at the end of your normal shower. You can gradually increase this over time.
10. Adrenal support: I find taking adrenal glandulars and supplements targeted for adrenal support has helped me dramatically, so I would recommend looking into that further. Vitamin C, magnesium, licorice root and B5 are also known to support the adrenals.
11. TRS by Coseva: This is a nanozeolite used for heavy metal detoxing, yet it has many other benefits including antiviral properties, gut healing and reduces histamines. If you have issues with leaky gut, I definitely recommend using this. It’s quite expensive but was well worth it for me. High quality colostrum (I buy from MagMed in NZ) is also great for gut healing, but please avoid the cheap stuff as it can trigger hormone imbalances.
12. EFT tapping: I have found EFT tapping to be the best technique for stress relief and resolving trauma that I’ve found so far. It hasn’t cured my ME but it definitely helps with improving my mood and overall sense of wellbeing. I really like it as it’s pretty easy to do on your own and customise to suit your needs. I’ve also benefited from alternative modalities like Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy, Eden Energy Medicine and The Emotion Code.
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Question: What's your definition of success as an artist?
There are many different ways to define success as an artist and they are all valid. If you define success as making a full-time income from your art, that's valid.
If it means creating art that fulfills you and feels meaningful, that's valid too. For some people it's mainly about enjoying the process, whereas for others it's more about being proud of the end product. Ideally it’s a mix of all of the above!
If it means having lots of exhibitions in highbrow galleries and being highly regarded in the academic art world, that's valid too.
For some people, it means just not giving up and persisting. Lots of people totally give up on art altogether, and sticking it out is a form of success. A large percentage who go to art school stop creating art within a few years, after all.
At this point in my life, I'd love to consistently earn income from my art - even just a part-time income. But I don't think that's the only measure of success at all.
I personally find that the more outcome-independent my definition of success is, the more motivated I am. It’s a lot more sustainable to focus on creating a serious of ten paintings and having an exhibition (for example), than earning a specific amount of money or gaining a certain number of followers online.
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Question: How do I accept the fact that the therapeutic relationship is inherently one-sided?
I recently saw this question posted on Reddit, and thought I would offer my perspective:
So, I'm in my 30s and have been seeing a therapist for 6 months. I've seen lots of therapists (mainly when I was a kid, so not by choice) but this is the first time I've gotten intensely attached to a therapist. I just think he's the best and feel comforted at the thought of him.
How do you not feel weird about being so connected to someone who doesn't feel the same way? I feel this constant awareness that my feelings aren't mutual and a sort of guilt/hypervigilance that I need to remember it's just his job.
Here is my response:
I honestly really struggled with this as a client with my therapist in the past, as I went through a stage where I got very attached to him a few years ago. It can be really painful and upsetting, and it's totally valid to feel this way. It can be a strange, unnatural sort of dynamic.
I don't have any easy answers, but it has helped me to reflect on the fact that many connections in my life are somewhat unequal. I have people in my life who consider me a best friend or one of their closest friends, but I don't view them as being in my inner circle. Even in romantic relationships, often one person is slightly more invested than the other, though obviously the imbalance is not as dramatic as a professional therapeutic relationship.
Also, just because therapists are professionals, doesn’t mean that they don’t care at all. Often they do get emotionally invested in their clients to some degree, but they have to manage it in order to be as helpful and supportive as possible.
In the end, it's something that takes time to accept, to grieve, and to process. Give yourself time to feel all the feelings, and know they are perfectly reasonable. It can also help to form deeper friendships, because it may be highlighting a gap in your life where you crave more intimacy and depth in your relationships - whether platonic or romantic.
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Question: I have boundary issues in the opposite way most people seem to have them, what is the secure way to do this?
I saw this question on Reddit recently:
Title: I have boundary issues in the opposite way most people seem to have them, what is the secure way to do this?
Throughout my life, I've used a "one strike and you're out" policy, where if I don't like something about the person, I cut them off immediately if they don't change right away.
The problem is that I can't tell the difference between normal human flaws vs. red flags, and I don't want to stick around in a situation that is potentially bad for me. My brain is like a home security alarm that goes off at every little movement, even if it's just the wind.
I've had friendships that ended with a long dramatic conversation, where I told them that I don't like something that they do and, because they pushed back instead of apologizing/changing the behavior, I told them it's over.
What kind of things are normal and I should stay in the relationship even if I dislike them? vs. what is definitely not good and I should leave? Aside from the obvious like rudeness, aggression, cheating, prejudices like racism/homophobia/etc., and drugs/alcohol.
Here is my response:
It sounds like you have a very all or nothing, black and white view of friendships. I find if there's issues in a friendship, I can often de-escalate the connection and just hang out with the person in group situations. Or reduce catch ups to once every 3-6 months, instead of daily, weekly or monthly hangouts. The nice thing about friendship is that it's very fluid and you can have friends you see once every five years, or friends you talk to on the phone several times a day. And everything in between!
I had a situation with a friend who was texting me daily and we started to fight more, so I told them we needed to reduce the frequency. Now the friendship is fine as we usually chat a few times per month, and we hardly ever have conflict.
I've also had friends who I lived with as housemates, and we just weren't compatible for living together. But when we don't live together, the friendship is great.
Another case is a friend who I hate talking with on the phone, as he always dominates the conversation and doesn't let me talk. Yet he is polite and considerate in emails, and I can contribute equally to the conversation in writing, so I just contact him that way now.
Of course, as you noted, this may not apply if the person is being egregiously rude, abusive, bigoted, hateful or displaying any behaviour that is clearly harmful to your wellbeing. But I find in most cases there's a way of reducing the intensity and frequency of the connection that works for me.
I've also noticed that in general, most people with healthy boundaries don't formally end friendships, unless there is extreme behaviour like abuse. They usually let them slowly fade out, and only end it directly if if the person doesn't take the hint and keeps contacting them frequently.
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Question: What do you do to overcome the feeling of being socially isolated from neurotypical people?
Someone in a Facebook group asked the following question recently:
What do you do to overcome the feeling of being socially isolated from neurotypical people? I do my best but I still feel like an outsider.
Here is my answer:
In my experience it helps to find groups or social situations where people are accepting and inclusive of diversity, regardless of whether people are NT or ND. When I used to be religious, I found churches with a mix of different cultures/ethnic groups were often a lot more welcoming and accepting than all white/Caucasian churches. Even as a white/Caucasian person myself, I found this made a big difference. I am not religious any more, but I find this principle often holds true in other groups as well.
I generally find it helps to connect with people outside my immediate peer group in terms of age/demographic too, as there's less of a competitive vibe and people aren't going to attempt to jostle for social status as much. I've found groups with people who are older than me are often more welcoming and supportive than groups of people the same age. Of course there's exceptions - I usually find LGBT meetups are friendly and welcoming regardless of age, but there tends to be a high percentage of ND people in those spaces anyway.
So yeah, I find looking outside your usual peer group demographic (whether in terms of age, culture, ethnic group, or otherwise) tends to make a big difference. I find if I put myself in a position where I'm not threatening anyone's place in the social hierarchy, things are easier and go more smoothly for the most part. For what it’s worth, I suspect this issue is a big part of the reason why ND people often say they get along better with the opposite sex. They aren't directly competing for status in the same way.
As well as that, trying too hard to fit in by masking excessively can sometimes backfire. If people don’t like me as I am, it’s unlikely that masking is going to suddenly win them over. Of course, do your best to be polite, respectful and considerate of others. Avoid saying things that are rude or inappropriate. However, I find if people don't accept me as I am, performing to win their approval isn't going to suddenly make them like or accept me.
#autism#adhd#neurodivergent#neurodiverse#nd#makingfriends#ndsocialtips#isolation#loneliness#outsiders#friendships#friends#sociallyisolated#hsp
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Untangling your sense of worth from your achievements
Lately I’ve been thinking about my sense of self worth and value, especially as someone disabled and chronically ill. One thing that struck me is that I feel like there’s this pressure to be extraordinary or exceptional in some way, to make up for being disabled. Like it’s not okay to be average and also be disabled or chronically ill.
So I just want to remind people that you are worthy no matter what. It’s okay to be disabled and average. You don’t have to be exceptionally talented or super successful or above average in any way to be enough.
This is especially true for those who are unemployed, who do unpaid labour (such as stay at home parents), or those who work part-time. Our culture so often looks down on people who don’t have a conventional career, or any job at all.
You are already enough. You are loveable as you are. You are worthy. You don’t have to achieve something or prove yourself worthy. You have value outside of what you do, what you create, or what you earn. And it’s not like you have to wait to be worthy one day.
You are enough right here, right now.
#disability#disabled#spoonie#chronic illness#self worth#self esteem#you are enough#you are worthy#self love#self compassion
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Question: How to communicate about moving slowly in the early stages of dating?
Someone on Reddit posted recently asking this:
Hey everyone,
I've noticed when using dating apps that most people seem to move pretty quickly, at least by my standards. For example, texting at least daily (often multiple times a day) and wanting to go on dates 2-3 times per week. To me, that feels like going from 0 to 100 and it makes me stressed out. It takes me quite a while to warm up to strangers and integrate new people into my life.
I would much rather slow down at the start, and go on a date once every week or two and maybe text a couple of times per week. I'd be happy to ramp that up to daily contact and more frequent dates, but I usually reach that point after 2-3 months or so - around the time when people usually define the relationship and go exclusive.
I'm just wondering, how do I communicate this respectfully to people, without making them feel like I'm playing games, keeping it casual or just not that keen? I'm wondering, is it better to tell people directly that this is my preference, or is that overkill?! I'm FA so I tend to get anxious and overthink everything.
Here is my response:
I very much relate to your predicament about feeling overwhelmed and stressed! I've found Thais Gibson's videos on the Personal Development School about guilt and Fearful-Avoidant attachment super relevant for this issue, so I'd highly recommend checking those out! I've come to realise that I often project my own emotions and over-empathise due to enmeshment trauma.
It’s actually really important to stay centred and grounded in yourself and your own needs. People with a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style often lose touch with their own needs, boundaries and preferences while in the presence of others, so there is a need for more alone time and reflection to regulate.
My current approach is to communicate clearly, and be honest if you don’t have the bandwidth to text, call or meet up as often as they do. It’s wise to give some reassurance that it’s not personal, but you don’t have to reassure the person constantly.
It can be anxiety inducing because we worry that the other person will lose interest or feel rejected, but unfortunately I think that's a risk that we have to embrace. We won't be compatible with everyone and we can't force it.
Not to mention many people actually find a little bit of unpredictability and distance can be exciting and increase desire in relationships - Esther Perel talks a lot about this! For some people, it can actually be a feature (in moderation), rather than a bug. However, in the early stages, people may just move on if they assume the other person is not genuinely interested in them, playing games, dating others, etc. So it’s good to establish some consistency and clarity in the early dating phase.
If you communicate tactfully about needing space and are fairly consistent, I don't think the right person would view it as a major problem or dealbreaker. I know in the past when I was in a more anxiously attached headspace, I didn't mind less frequent communication if it was relatively consistent and predictable - so I knew what to expect.
You could say something along the lines of the following, to put their mind at ease:
"Hey, I generally take things slow when I’m getting to know someone, I’ve found it healthier for me to carve out alone time and friend time too”
Or
"Hey, I don't text that much, but please don't take it as a sign of disinterest because I really am interested in continuing to see you"
That said, if the person seems continually insecure or upset about your boundaries and communication frequency, you may not be compatible. Constantly reassuring someone can be stressful, so if it’s feeling excessively draining, then maybe they aren’t a good fit for you. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person or too needy - it’s just a mismatch of needs.
People with an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style may struggle with your limits, but it doesn’t make your boundaries or limits wrong or cruel. It’s important to focus on yourself rather than focusing too much on how other people feel, as ultimately it’s not sustainable to be constantly stressing about upsetting or disappointing others.
These are the Personal Development School videos I found most relevant:
How to Ask Your Partner for Space
How To Tell Your Anxious Partner You Need Space
How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Everything
#boundaries#relationships#dating#communication#attachment#attachment style#anxious preoccupied#avoidant attachment#fearful avoidant
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How to balance all your interests when you have multiple passions?
I’ve been pondering how to balance all my different passions, interests, and side hustles, as I’m the kind of person who tends to love variety and easily gets excited about new projects. It’s often the completion part that I struggle with! This is a fairly common conundrum for certain personality types, and can also be related to conditions like ADHD. It can be really hard to know how to streamline and simplify things to make it more manageable and less chaotic.
Chronic illness can be a factor here too, as I often start a new project in a high energy period, but then may not have the physical energy to easily complete it. It can be hard to know how to handle this sometimes, as I can’t predict how I’ll feel from day to day or week to week. Sometimes I just have to let something go for a while, and accept that I will come back to it later. I also accept that there’s some projects I will abandon, and I don’t see it as a major problem as long as there’s no financial investment.
So how do you handle this tendency?
I personally find it’s best to embrace it, and find ways to work around it rather than trying to pigeonhole myself into only one project, passion or interest at a time. However, if you’re trying to make money, earn an income or build a business - and you need to pay the bills with it to survive - then you will probably need to narrow down to one thing at a time for work. You can still allow yourself freedom to explore in your free time, though.
For example, I love borrowing a wide range of books from the library, and reading about a bunch of different topics at once. Switching from one book to another works for me and I find it stimulating. The great thing is that the books all get returned to the library, so they don't create long-term clutter. I also enjoy writing blog posts about a range of different topics, rather than sticking to one particular subject.
Same goes for my art - I have one style that I sell commercially, and then do whatever I want in the rest of my spare time as it captures my fancy. I find creating different IG/Tumblr accounts for particular art styles/niches works well. If it becomes popular and sells it's a cool bonus, but I don't worry too much about it making money. Digital art is great because it doesn't take up storage space, so I'm shifting from doing large pieces on canvas to doing more digital art.
Having said all that, I do have a bunch of blogs and Tumblr accounts floating around on the internet that I've forgotten about and largely abandoned. Same with old creative projects in storage. But it's okay, because I enjoyed exploring that idea/hobby/style for a brief period of time. Sometimes I go back and integrate creative stuff from the past into my current projects (for example, taking an old blog post and updating it for my current blog).
It can become a problem if you waste a lot of money on hobbies you forget about or business ideas that never get off the ground, so I’d recommend finding ways to avoid spending too much money to begin with. Ideally, it’s best to spend no money and find free activities, but obviously this is not always possible. My post about Decluttering My Fantasy Self may be relevant if this is you.
If you're multipassionate, I don't think there's one right or wrong way to manage your interests and hobbies. Some people like to focus intensely on one hobby at a time, then move on to something else. Others enjoy moving between different interests simultaneously to keep them stimulated. I've done both at different times in my life. Emilie Wapnick has a great book about this called How to Be Everything which is more focused on career, but you can apply the same principles to hobbies and side hustles as well.
#multipotentialite#multipassionate#adhd#enfp#infp#entp#intp#ne#extroverted intuition#renaissance woman#renaissance man#scanner#slashers#generalists#multipods#polymath
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How to avoid the therapist trap: mutuality and balance in relationships
Have you ever struggled with feeling like a therapist? Do your friendships and dating relationships always seem to end up being one sided? It can be incredibly frustrating feeling like you’re always the listener, and people aren’t interested in what you have to share.
This is a particularly common issue for women, who are generally expected to be the ones who provide emotional support in our culture. Both women and men tend to vent more to women, and expect empathy and compassion in response. It’s a very common problem for certain personality types as well, especially empathic people, highly sensitive people (HSPs), and introverts who tend to default to the listener role. Enneagram Type Twos tend to get stuck in “helping” roles in their relationships too.
To be honest, I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve often ended up stuck being the listener, annoyed that the other person just wanted to monologue to an audience. However, I’ve also been guilty of interrupting and taking over conversations, so it’s something I have to continue to be mindful and conscious about. I try to remember that some of my friends are more introverted and quiet, and are less likely to take up space unless I ask questions and leave room for them to speak up. This requires extra effort and intentionality.
I try to consistently keep an eye on mutuality and reciprocity in my friendships. Unless it's a relationship that is supposed to be one sided, like a defined mentor/ministry/therapy relationship, then I do watch out for things getting too unbalanced. I think it's okay if things are a bit one-sided for a season - we all go through tough times - but if it's like that permanently, I would re-evaluate things.
I used to not pay attention to this sort of thing because I thought that would get me into an unhealthy "quid pro quo" mindset, but I've actually found that keeping an eye on this from the beginning of friendships has helped me form more healthy, reciprocal connections with people. This helps curb my natural tendency to give more in relationships.
Observing this from the start means I'm less likely to get resentful and frustrated down the road, because often when a friendship starts out a little bit one-sided, the imbalance gets worse as time goes on - until I reach a breaking point. Now that I'm mindful from the start, this is much less of an issue.
I think this also helps me avoid getting into "unrequited friendships", i.e. friendships where I care and like the person a lot more than they care and like me. When I give too much to other people, I sometimes miss the fact that they actually don't really like me or value the friendship as much as I do.
Before, when I gave too much, people would be happy to receive, but I later realised they didn't truly value me or my friendship. They were just enjoying the perks of free therapy etc. Giving less can help me discover who actually likes me as a person, versus just wanting the benefits of my generosity.
For instance, on a first date or meet up with a friend, consider things like:
Do they ask you questions about yourself?
Do they listen well (e.g. can they practice active listening skills)?
Are they able to give and receive emotional support equally?
Can they withhold unsolicited advice when you talk about something you struggle with?
Does the conversation feel balanced, or are you mostly just listening?
Do they message you first, or do you always have to message them first?
Do they suggest or plan outings, or do you always have to do it?
I generally have a rule of three when it comes to reaching out or taking initiative with new people. I'm happy to message first three times, but if they don't message first after that, it's usually best to move on. Same with asking questions - I think it's okay to ask three questions in a row, but if they don't ask any back after that or make an attempt to engage with me, then they probably just like talking about themselves.
Obviously, none of these are hard and fast rules, and it’s important to trust your gut. Sometimes I have conversations where I mostly listen, and I still really enjoy it, because the topic is really interesting or I don’t feel like talking about myself in that moment. In most cases I know that if I had something I wanted to say, the other person would listen and be supportive. People may come from a cultural or family background where asking questions is viewed as intrusive, so it’s important to consider the vibe as a whole, rather than getting bogged down in the minutiae. It’s relevant to consider the level of effort in people’s responses.
Another factor, particularly on dating apps, is that people can behave very differently when texting versus in person or on the phone/video chat. I have occasionally come across dry texters who are charismatic and a lot of fun in person, though these are probably exceptional cases. If you really like someone, I’d say give them a chance and see what happens.
In certain instances, such as the workplace or a professional context, listening can be advantageous as it allows you to gain information about the other person. This way you don’t have to reveal too much about yourself, which perhaps could be used against you. So taking on the role of the listener can actually be quite strategic in certain contexts. Knowing how to ask good questions and listen effectively can serve you well in the dating scene, so you can spot red flags much more quickly and easily.
Also, some people just prefer listening, and gain energy that way - so if that’s you, more power to you! Just be conscious that you don’t get taken advantage of or used for your gifts.
In the end, the most important thing is to tune into your body and how you feel. If you feel exhausted, resentful or irritated after a conversation with someone, it’s important to pause and ask yourself why. Check in with yourself. Then consider how to set boundaries and move forward in a way that’s more sustainable for you.
#friendship#boundaries#emotional labor#reciprocity#free therapy#burnout#listening#empaths#introverts#hsp#highly sensitive people
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Reflections on forced forgiveness
I've been reflecting recently on the theme of forgiveness, especially after watching the film Women Talking. The movie features a group of women from a Mennonite community, who discuss how to handle the problem of sexual abuse from a group of men in their community. The topic of forgiveness is brought up often, and also debated hotly. One of the primary concerns they bring up is that if they don't forgive these men, they won't be able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
This view may sound rather extreme, and yet it's actually a pretty standard view for theologically conservative Christians. It is understood that you have to forgive others, otherwise God won't forgive you. That said, one of the women in the movie points out that forgiveness is not the same as permission. And this was something I was taught too - that forgiveness does not mean you have to trust the person again, or have any kind of contact with them. This is an important distinction, though not always clear.
That said, it's still quite an extreme view to take - that if you don't forgive people, even if just internally, you will go to hell. In the movie one woman brings up the issue that, if forgiveness is forced like that, is it really forgiveness at all? Is it truly coming from the heart?
It's something I have often pondered, as forgiveness is also brought up often in non-Christian spiritual and personal growth circles. It's a popular theme in new age literature as well. New agers probably wouldn’t tell you that you’re going to hell for not forgiving, but they might tell you that you haven’t been healed from illness or trauma because of it.
I like what Jeff Brown has to say on this topic - he takes a strong view against premature or forced forgiveness. As I get older, I tend to agree with him on this one. Premature forgiveness can really stifle the process of healing trauma, and disconnect people from healthy anger - anger which often enables people to set strong, healthy boundaries and practice assertiveness.
In terms of polyvagal theory, it can push people down into freeze and fawn mode, which disrupts and halts the process of releasing trauma. We actually need to be able to move through the fight/flight mode in order to heal and release trauma completely.
“Anger is a river. It wants to be released into the vaster ocean. It wants to move naturally. When we repress it with premature forgiveness, block it with false positivity, repress it in the name of pseudo-peace, we just dam(n) our natural flow. The river then turns inward, against the self, or explodes outwardly, against innocents. Better we express it when it is in our awareness- not in a way that is destructive to humanity- but in a way that is authentic and that restores the integrity of our being. Anger isn’t the enemy. Misplaced anger is. Let the river flow…”
I find that for myself, forgiveness tends to come more naturally with time and distance from a situation. It's also a heck of a lot easier to forgive when you're happy and life is generally going well. Resentments tend to fester more when one is sick or depressed or under stress. So I don't feel it's my place to judge anyone for holding onto resentment or anger, because it actually often has to do with life circumstances that are out of people's control.
It's also often deeply tried to trauma and PTSD which isn't something you can just snap your fingers and cure overnight. Healing from trauma and PTSD, whether acute or complex, is a challenging path and rarely quick or easy.
So my personal view is that it's best not to force forgiveness, and I don't think anyone should feel obligated to forgive at all. If it is helpful and supportive on your healing and spiritual journey, then go for it. But I don't think it should be seen as something compulsory or absolutely necessary. Besides, forgiveness often does happen of its own accord, when one starts to heal and get distance from a situation. I tend to think it's most healing when it unfolds organically.
I do agree that forgiveness does not equal trust or reconciliation with anyone from our pasts. It's possible, and in fact very wise, to forgive and never to reconnect with the people who harmed us.
Another thing I would add is that forgiveness isn't necessarily a one-time decision. It can be a long process. We may go back and forth, feeling forgiveness sometimes and then deep hatred at other times. And that's actually okay! It's also possible to forgive and still feel some residual anger or resentment lingering. It's complicated, and it doesn't help to deny our real feelings here. So, as always, be patient and compassionate with yourself.
One of the problems I found with religion in general is that it tends to cultivate a mindset of dissociation and numbing, because certain thoughts or feelings were seen as sinful or wrong. There may be a forgiving part of you, and there may be another part that doesn't want to forgive. The more we can accept and embrace these different parts of ourselves, the more we will experience a sense of wholeness and integration. And that is my wish for you.
#forgiveness#healing#trauma#partswork#ifs#ptsd#anger#emotions#wholeness#integration#jeffbrown#womentalking
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Five lessons I have learned about healing PTSD
One of the most challenging things about chronic illness is how it can affect your ability to regulate your nervous system. This left me far more vulnerable to getting PTSD. I came to realise that whether we get traumatised or end up with PTSD has a lot to do with our baseline level of nervous system regulation and our window of tolerance, which is severely reduced by physical illness. Also, having a physical illness can in itself be extremely traumatising, as it can cause intense physical pain, sickness and severe suffering.
I wanted to share what I have learned, in the hope that it might support and encourage others who are struggling with trauma or chronic illness. I also hope it can be educational for anyone who works with people who have PTSD, and wants to help others.
1. You can get PTSD from a combination of stressful events all at once. It’s not necessarily one thing and it’s not necessarily something obvious like going to war or being in a car accident. You can be traumatised by things that are seemingly innocuous as long as your nervous system is overwhelmed and the events exceed your ability to cope. This has to do with the window of tolerance, which becomes much smaller when under severe duress.
2. Acute PTSD can actually last a long period of time, for example if you had a traumatic period that lasted two months, you can relive that trauma for two months at the same time every subsequent year. I didn’t realise I actually had PTSD until I had these anniversary reactions. I also didn’t realise I was being traumatised at the time of the original experience. I knew it was awful but I had no idea of the lasting impact it could have.
3. PTSD doesn’t always manifest in the obvious ways like having visual flashbacks or dreams (though I have experienced this too). You can also get lots of physical symptoms and strong emotions. It could involve intense anxiety, intense sadness, or intense anger. It could be severe and unrelenting insomnia. It can actually take a while sometimes to figure out what’s going on and realise it’s PTSD.
4. PTSD, at least for me, has a strange way of dissolving the barrier between my conscious and unconscious mind - giving me a rare window of time where I can’t keep a lid on things I want to be in denial about. This can be both horrible and wonderful. It can trigger overwhelming anger and rage. And it always seems to bring about huge changes. It’s a remarkable window into the shadow.
This really kicked my butt in more ways than one. It also triggered my deconstruction, which ended up happening in a matter of weeks because of this phenomenon. I would never wish it upon anyone but strangely, I am grateful for it. I’m not sure I could have pierced those walls of repression and denial without it.
5. You can actually fully heal PTSD. I have healed mine through a combination of EFT tapping, Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy, and regular somatic meditation practices. You also can fully heal it without ever having to talk about it, if you don’t want to. It’s possible to just release it on a cellular level, which enables the nervous system to return to homeostasis. Traditional talk therapy doesn’t work for everyone, and can even make it worse in some cases.
All in all I feel like it’s been one of the best and worst things that ever happened to me. It’s absolutely hellish and I wish I didn’t go through it. But I can tell you it absolutely transformed my life and was the catalyst for my deconstruction, which has changed the trajectory of my life in nearly every way. There is also a deep strength and power that comes from facing your worst fears, and moving through them to a place of freedom.
#trauma#ptsd#cptsd#mentalhealth#healing#innerhealing#selfcare#chronicillness#nervoussystem#windowoftolerance
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The art of recovery from chronic health conditions
I was reflecting today on how recovery from chronic illness like ME is such an art, in the sense that you have to balance so many different areas and hold so many truths in tension.
You need to address both the primary dysfunction (the nervous system) as well as the secondary dysfunction (thyroid, gut, blood sugar) at the same time to effectively recover.
You need to focus on your health and be dedicated to recovery, but also leave room for relaxation, socialising and fun activities. Otherwise it’s easy to become too serious and for life to revolve around your health, which can exacerbate your overall stress levels.
You need to be proactive and take initiative, but you also need an attitude of acceptance and surrender. You need to be mindful and present while working towards long term goals and dreams.
You also need to rest and pace yourself, while stretching yourself and gently bouncing your boundaries. You need to know your limitations and gradually increase your activity level, in accordance with the stage of your recovery. You have to be able to adjust each day, as things can change dramatically from day-to-day and week-to-week. It is inherently unpredictable and fluctuates.
What works at one phase of recovery, may not work in another phase. For example, in the early stages of my recovery, I was unable to give up grains and do the ketogenic diet. I tried over and over, but my body would not tolerate it. And yet several years later, I reached a breakthrough where it finally became possible for me, and helped me progress to the next level in my healing journey.
This requires a subtle attunement to your body, your gut instincts and your intuition. You need to be in tune with your body, while not focusing excessively on symptoms and becoming anxious or obsessive about them.
You need to address the physiological side with diet, supplements and other physical treatments (e.g. CPAP machine for sleep apnea) while also addressing the emotion side with various therapies and psychological techniques.
It feels like such a delicate dance, and I think this is precisely why recovery is so challenging. It’s such an art and difficult to hold all these different realities in tension at the same time.
But I know that it’s not impossible, and I don’t have to be perfect to get better. I like Dan Neuffer’s motto - make every choice your best choice.
#healing#chronicillness#health#recovery#me#cfs#chronicfatigue#myalgicencephalomyalitis#disability#spoonie
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