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bookworm-fantrash · 4 years

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Huh. I had forgotten I even wrote this.

Loving yourself is something you have to exercise every single day. And somewhere along the way I began pushing that to the back burner. I need to come back, I need to heed my own words. Not only have I stopped loving myself, but I have become someone I do not even recognize as me.

I have stopped the journey of loving myself to focus on another person and that is one of the biggest mistakes I have made. It is hard, and I need to be patient with myself and acknowledge I made a mistake and then pick myself up and improve myself. What I really want to do is dig at myself, to dig at everything I could have done right and everything I did do wrong.

I am still learning how to be Me and how to love Me and where I fit in this chaotic world. I am struggling, but through every struggle I am learning.

I need to be better for myself, I deserve all the care and love I so easily give to others.

As long as I’m alive I am always going to be morphing and shifting and changing. But, I have control over which way I go.

My Suicide Attempt

May 8th, 2018 I made an attempt to kill myself.

Today is September 23rd, 2019 (2:31AM if you want to be really specific).

I realized tonight, that I am truly grateful to have failed. Last year has been a long messy ride, well actually, my whole life has sort of been a long messy ride. I lived so much of that ride in a horribly heavy suffocating dark cloud.

I don’t have any wise life-changing advice or simple solutions. I only have my own experiences that I hope can inspire or help some of you.

I don’t regret my attempt. It got me the help I truly needed and got me where I am today. But, I am so unbelievably thankful I failed. If I had succeeded, I would have not got to experience how much I can grow and blossom without my trigger around. I would have not got to experience so many small but meaningful experiences, from meeting certain people in mental hospitals, to going on my first date. I would not have got to be by one of my best friends side as she finally gets the opportunity to become the amazing mother she has always been met to be. I would not have had the oppotunity to see a whole new life brought into my family. There are so many things I would have missed out on and I thank God I have been able to be here.

I wish it had not gotten to the point where it did. I wish I asked for help. I wish I used my last bit of energy to scream for help instead of doing what I did. I am no longer angry at myself for causing the ripple effect of hurt and pain, because I understand I myself was coming from a place of agony and I am only human. My point is, if anyone reading this ever gets to that same point I did, I would tell you to scream. Scream for help, scream as loud as if your life depended on it because it does. Someone will hear you, someone will come, and you will get help.

It’s been such a long journey for me personally and I know it is not something that simply ends and I have had such amazing reasources and support.

So many diverse factors came into play to get me to the place I am today, so I cannot give all the credit to one thing. I cannot say “Oh, yea, my depression got cured because I’m on 100mg of Zoloft now!” or even “Seven years of therapy finally paid off!” Because it was so much more than that.

But, the most important (not the only) person I have to thank is honestly myself. I love myself and who I’ve become and I’ve become stronger caring for myself and developing into the person I always aspired to be.

I still have so many complicated stressors in my life right now, but I’ve learned so much and I’ve grown so much that I can handle it now.

I understand being in that specific dark mindset and having that last straw snapped. I understand so much of that pain. And, for the longest time my brain could not fathom another way I could I coped with it. Now, I finally see, that I should have screamed. I should have screamed for help and my brother would have heard me and come and I would have gotten the help I needed. Because, if I had succeeded, I would have died with the horrible depressed misconseption on life.

Life is messy and complicated and full of suffering. But, it is also full of light and love. There is no person who can live life being consistently happy, becuase there will always been hard parts. But, I’ve learned to accept them and embrace them and use them as an opportunity to grow even more.

I am so glad I failed.

If you’re feeling this far down the hole, please, don’t give up. Use that last bit of strength to scream. Because, there is so much ahead of you in store, and you matter to so many people, including yourself. Get help. Forgive yourself. Please, just please, don’t give up.

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bookworm-fantrash · 5 years

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The only way we can help

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