Question for anyone those who see this

What are your favorite overall themes when it comes to wc rewrites/aus? (Like focusing on change, or betrayal, or healing etc)

Favorite character archetypes?

Specific hcs for cats shown in or before tpb?

This might not go anywhere and people may not listen to me, but I’ll share anyway.

I’m aware a lot of people don’t like Nickelback or pretend not to, but there’s a specific song that fits the current state of the world (Palestinian genocide, Russia calling LGBT+ people deranged terrorists, U.S. states trying to eradicate trans people from public life entirely, etc.).

When We Stand Together.

“There’s bullets flying over there; we watch it happen, and then just turn it off.”

Give it a listen on YouTube:

or on Spotify:

This is the vibe right now. This is how the state of the world feels. Remember,

“United we stand, divided we fall.”

The infighting (‘LGB without the T’, enbyphobia from binary trans people, “but let’s listen to Israel’s defense first”, etc.) makes us weaker.

We need to stop doing their work for them. We need to be aware of propaganda (systematic gaslighting) and cringe culture and identity policing.

If we have to fight for our right to live, to thrive, to exist in public....then let’s fight. Don’t lay down your arms and point fascists, neo-Nazis, etc. in the direction of others.

[Photo ID: a black and red background with white text. “First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” Quote is attributed to “Martin Niemöller (1892-1984), a Protestant pastor who opposed Adolf Hitler and spent the last 7 years of Nazi rule in concentration camps.” (/end ID)]

“[...]Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Eradication like this is systematic.

They won’t spare you either.

There’s a reason the phrase is “divide and conquer”. There is strength in community, in intersectionality.

I’m tired of watching infighting and debates and arguments. If you don’t support a free Palestine, if you don’t support all LGBT+ people (yes even the ones you find annoying), if you don’t support Russian LGBT+ people, if you believe the Palestinian Genocide is a complicated war/conflict (where if Palestine stopped fighting there would be peace, not total eradication), if you believe drug addicts and mentally ill people are weak or lazy, if you believe BBIMP/BIPOC don’t deserve justice & don’t believe in prison abolition, if you don’t believe women and all living people (trans, BIPOC/BBIMP, women, AFAB, etc.) deserve the right to govern their own body and make their own medical choices, if you don’t believe the whole system is flawed and functioning as designed— if you won’t stand for and with us all, please block us and get off this page.

“I would rather be excluded for who I include, than included for who I exclude.”

Any hateful comments, asks, etc. will be blocked and deleted without hesitation.

Freedom for everyone, or we all lose. It’s time for a revolution.

~Nico (he/they)

My workflow in writing is extremely good in the last few days. Like, I’m literally writing 2.5k words every day now. I absolutely love my story, the characters and the overall setting.

Until now.

I normally write in the mornings, before my workout and breakfast. And I write a little bit in the afternoon. In between, I do other stuff.

Today, I watched a video about a very bad book review. And afterwards, I wished I’ve never seen this video.

Don’t get me wrong! The book she was talking about was really bad and the content creator is a very nice person. She makes really good reviews (for anyone curious: it’s the book Leo on YouTube).

But now, after finishing this 40 minute video about a dark academia spicy romance with zero plot, I read my own writings and think: “Am I bad?” Even though my writing is completely different than the cited sentences in the video!

I have to admit, that the overall idea of this horribly executed book is something I would enjoy, if it was written differently. The gothic and dark themed romance paired with a murder mystery does have potential in being a very good fantasy-like novel. And I catch myself thinking that this idea needs to be taken as an inspiration someday.

But what really bothers me is that I look at my book, my somewhat 15k words that I have written in the last few days, asking myself, if this would sound as bad as the book in the video, knowing that it is not. Doubting my writings and the overall theme, fearing that it will be seen as “dumb” and “flat”.

There were a lot of comments in the video about writing trauma, writing women, writing dark themed books (and all of them were legit!). Comments on how writing them in a certain way makes a book bad.

My works all include trauma. They include heavy dark themes, such as mental illnesses, suicidal thoughts, traumatic scenes. It all serves the plot. It is all part of the story and without them, the story would not exist. Seeing a review about a book, where the author clearly romanticized certain stuff, makes me kind of wonder, if my books are as well seen as romanticizing dark themes.

And I cannot help, but close the project for a moment, just so I can recharge my mental validation that my story is in deed good and that I should continue writing it.

I’ve never experienced this kind of doubt before. Yes, a little uncertainty about parts of the plot, worries what my mom will say about it (she is my alpha reader), but never the full on doubt about the whole story. About the way I write.

And it scares me to death, that this review, even though it was 100% valid, makes me quit again on writing consistently.

No one is denying women are violent. Yes, women commit crimes and murder people. But if you actually wanna talk about statistics then you should look into how many women murder in self defence compared to how many men are just straight up fucking killing everyone. the takeaway IS men are more fucking violent. you can’t complain about men dying without looking at the cause - & the cause is other men. women aren’t killing men indiscriminately in the streets. don’t be deliberately obtuse. it’s pure ignorance to pretend men aren’t the biggest contributing factor the worldwide violence. Humans CAN be violent, but 97-98% of it comes from the male population, so.. sure. pretend women are the exact same statistically because men get killed more.. and ignore it’s by other men. pure ignorance.

Self defense by definition is not homicide. You're also ignoring that men can kill in self defense too. But tbqfh I should have been asleep hours ago and I'm getting real tired of saying the same shut over and over again.

Crime stats are incredibly nuanced things. There are so many factors that have to be accounted for that make it extremely difficult if not impossible to say anything with 100% certainty. I don't have time for a full fucking essay on the subject but let me give you something to think about.

Men are under a lot of societal pressure, applied both by women and other men. Men are basically expected to be the protectors, the handymen, the defenders of honor. Men get so much shit for something as simple as expressing emotion. When they report crimes against them they're less likely to be taken seriously. Men are expected not to ask for help with any issues they may face like trauma or mental illness. Men are more likely to abuse substances and get addictions. Men are more likely to be profiled as violent, regardless if this is true or not. Men are less likely to receive adequate medical care because they're supposed to be tough and strong and invulnerable. Men don't have nearly the same amount of resources as women, and are frequently ignored when they are in need. Comparatively women are coddled to all hell. They have all the resources and political and societal backing, they're prioritized over men in most things.

Maybe because men are under so much pressure and get no help they're more likely to snap. This isn't inherent violence, this is the result of a society that hates men or at the very least doesn't accept men as people with social and emotional needs. We'll never know if the roles were reversed if it would be the same because that's not how the world is, but its not hard to imagine that if women were treated the way men are, their crime stats would spike heavily. You cannot in good faith make the claim that men are inherently more violent because in many ways men are far more underprivileged than women

To be honest, after that last interview I’ve seen a lot of negativity on my dahsboard regarding Nopes and Fodlan in general and...

TFW I couldn’t join the salt fest earlier :’(

Did IS or KT work on Nopes?

“Yes”

Well, through that interview...

I know I’ve been racking IS over the coals lately, because I’m a filthy “elitist” and I still remember the Tellius, Magvel and Elibe eras and I deeply miss them. Even if we all hate how IS seem to fall on “tried’n’true” tropes like brainwashing (especially women) so it means a character #didnothingwrongitwasntthembutmagic - 

That interview, about Nopes, tries to sell the “everyone has a point and valid reasons to fight” and...

I really thought more than I should have about a stupid shitpost project I wanted to post, but I realised it might leave a bad taste in some people’s mouths and I don’t want to make anyone feel ill at ease when shitposting about this “game” but - I thought that nonsense about a “civilizing mission” is now commonly accepted to be utter nonsense, and just a stupid leitmotiv to justify conquest, imperialism and, because those two always go along, racism.

The shitpost idea was to “replace” France in this with a certain Empire and copy-paste Faerghus, Leicester, Brigid, Dagda (but not the lizards, in an ideal world they are, “finally gone” from Fodlan) - but no, it’s a real poster that really existed and displayed a mentality that also existed during dark times, and if I can shitpost with Lion King memes, I won’t do the same with that thing.

But damn if I wasn’t expecting the FE series to take the “With 79600 Men France brings peace and the benefits of its civilisation to its 60 millions of indigens” 1931 propaganda seriously, or at least portray the person who support this “opinion” as someone who has a valid point of view, clashing “ideals” with the rest of their world.

Still, who am I talking about, Supreme Leader or Clout ?

“Yes”

Adrestia wants to bring its “reforms” and “enlightened” ideas about how the world should be beyond its frontiers - that shouldn’t exist in the first place because once upon a time Adrestia encompassed the entire continent so MAGA.

Clout? Wants to “free” Faerghus and its king from “antiquated” notions like chivalry, loyalty, devotion by conquering the land, nearly waltzing on the capital and killing a beloved benevolent figure.

And so...

Why is it suddenly an issue? I mean, I love games where people fight for “reasons” and not because we need a final boss else we can’t close the route, nope.

Beyond talking about games and the messages they convey - I expect more from this “conflict” than *shrug*, *memeshrug*, *sigh* and “okay okay let’s say I agree now just please shut up I don’t want to interact more than necessary with you”.

If the conflict is based on “irreconciliable ideals”, then why don’t we see those characters argue about say “ideals”? We only get a glimpse of it in AM, and then the topic switches to sandwiches because merchandising needs to sell and Shinon can’t make people pots of earl grey or half-naked cipher cards.

In Nopes? Everyone (sort of) agree that the “Rhea Piñata” is bad and they could just get rid of it, then nothing bad will happen.

Clout drinks a Kool-Aid off-screen and no one, after some “mandatory” eye raising from Judith, even asks explanations, nope.

Nopes erased Supreme Leader’s belief that non-humans shouldn’t rule over humans because they, as a race, have no regards for human life.

And Dimitri is hit the hardest with the *shrug* + *memeshrug*, not even voicing any complains about this kool-aid because, just, let’s get over with this nonsense.

So why are they fighting?

“No U” was already used in Nopes, so here they need a Deux Ex Machina and a lot of idiot plot balls to, say, ask Supreme Leader why she wants to conquer Fodlan and remove Rhea from the surface of the continent - no sir!

Why Dimitri doesn’t kill them both the second they’re out of space, because they’re trampling his country and killing his men for no reason?

We all laughed about “no U” and thought it was something exclusive to Supreme Leader because, well, Supreme Leader and marketing means she can’t be challenged - but it was actually in this verse’s DNA!

We don’t see Clout challenge Supreme Leader when she offers Kool Aid - he drinks it off-screen.

Dimitri doesn’t challenge Clout or Supreme Leader about their invasion of Faerghus - he evens sips Clout’s Kool Aid !

Where is Elincia “You cloak your desire to rule with pretty speeches, but it is petty avarice nonetheless!” to the two persons invading a third country for, uh, reasons, or “to civilise them”?

I know I’ve been talking a lot about this game as of lately, because imo it’s a mirror of what we could have, but in TS -

When three people argue about which path to choose, “sacrifice the few for the sake of the many”, “Bootstraps!” and “sacrifice the many for the sake of the few” - those three characters argue, and shout, and fight, and defend their opinions, and ARE challenged by, well, the characters supporting the other options.

In FE16 we had “no u” and “sandwiches”.

In Nopes we have “maybe I’ll stop chasing you and trampling your country if you stop running away teehee ~”

Dimitri accepted to shelter Rhea and the Church because they requested help? “Okay okay maybe you have a point maybe they’re bad and they should be gone”. Where’s the progression between “I’ll accept to help them because even if it means war with Adrestia - provided they weren’t MAGA’ing our way no matter what we did - because that’s the right thing to do, they helped us tremendouly in the past and now, so today, I’ll help them too” to “mkay Clout you’re maybe not wrong” ??

Back to this interview, it finally appeared clearly -

FE16 and Nopes - Fodlan - isn’t a traditional FE verse.

IS worked with KT to make FE16 and Nopes (maybe Nopes is more KT’s bby than IS’s).

Water’s wet, what of it?

From what I could read around, and from a friend who played more Musous games than I did - Musou games aren’t supposed to tell a story with a “complicated” or “serious” plot, it’s a beat them all where you combo randoms with the units you like the most. No earl grey, it’s just to have fun!

FEs... are T (or S?) RPGs, a story based type of games. There is a verse, characters, relationships between those characters, etc etc. Earl grey can exist, because characters are written in a way to make them “interesting” to the player who’s supposed to interact with them in their world.

So what is Fodlan? A Musou or a FE verse, or the worst of the two?

We have a conflict where people will always fight (FE?) so you have to pick a side (FE+Musou?) to see where/how the story is going to end (FE)?

But contrary to “traditional FE”, the characters in Fodlan leading the factions... don’t interact. There is no opposition between them à la Elincia v. Ludveck or even Chrom v. Gangrel, we only have “no u” or  “teehee~”.

Why?

Why ???

Because the 3 factions have to be different and refuse to side with each other, even if it is super artificial (FE16′s Gronder Battle v.2 says hi) ? And this artificial “opposition” is even more important than the plot? So even when a Red Emperor does Red Emperor things, for this reason we will still have 3 factions?

To still have the choice to pick “your faction” to “beat the others”? 

FE16 tried to cook up and come with an explanation, even everyone hated Clout’s myopia in Gronder.

Nopes drops all pretenses, all leaders have “reasons” and their routes are just “their POV” about how to change things.

Even if those reasons are really reminiscent of Paris’s 1931 Colonial Exposition.

It wouldn’t be an issue if Nopes was an usual musou game (Ganon does Ganon things!) but since Nopes wants to be a FE game?

It is an issue. In FE Giffca roasts Ashnard, in FE, when Lundgren offers Kent a chance to surrender Lyndis to become one of his knights, Kent (tries to) kill him. When Nergal/The Black Fang ask Eliwood to abandon Ninian to them and they promise they will let him leave? Eliwood draws his sword.

No U doesn’t work. In FE, where those things are said, usually, it doesn’t work well because the Lord/Hero/someone you’re playing as gets rid of the person making those outrageous claims. 

Ultimately, we’re left with people who have to fight against each other, but who can’t... really hold any animosity against each other, leaving the illusion of a posibility where they could have talked (and not warred... for an artificial reason). Does this feel foggy enough?

Tl ; Dr (because this is already long enough) : Sorry to Pat, but FE16 (and Fodlan?) has always been thought as a nod to FE4 and Belhalla’s Academy, i.e. how Sigurd, Quan and Eldingan used to go to the same school together and became friends. And how tragic it is that they have to fight against each other.

However, FE4 built up this conflict, and... Quan sided with Sigurd.

In FE Fodlan? People oppose each other for... reasons that aren’t built upon and we’re supposed to be sad that they fight each other? Why? Did we hear about past history between them when they were friends? Or saw it on-screen? Why should it be a tragedy?

FE16 tried to give an answer, and it wasn’t convincing.

FE Nopes... per the devs, doesn’t even try. It’s just here, they all have their POVs and reasons, and they fight because they fight, and it is sad that they have to do so because. Look, they could have been friends under other circumstances (maybe if one of them didn’t try to invade the world to MAGA, or if the other didn’t start a war on the other with a third party involved but we’re not going to talk about that) but it doesn’t so here you go.

So while I wanted to say Nopes is a 66% KT product and the “two writers” meme could really imply that IS wrote AG (and AM in FE16) while KT wrote SB and GW -

At its core, FE Fodlan is not a FE verse, but a hybridation of KT’s approach to games and stories with FE’s approach, and just like a liger, it spectacularly failed.

Why, it’s not wonder so many people actually liked the Fodlan cast in FEH (or in their first apparitions) there was no pretenses or illusory conflicts/friendships to be had, Supreme Leader’s words and “ideals” could and are challenged, something that never happened in FE Fodlan. 

Could FE Fodlan have been something really nice/good with IS being only dev ?

...

Ultimately, I don’t think so, FEH is... imo, the best window we have on IS and... well. The writing sucks, but moreover... IS wants to make money through this gacha game. 

Some people already wrote a lot about it, but Supreme Leader’s partly designed to sell alts in FEH. So, judging by how everyone hated Supreme Puppet and her “Deedee?” - I’m not sure FE Fodlan, made exclusively by IS, would have been a better thing.

----

Real Tl;Dr : If KT works on the next FE game, I’ll seriously consider not buying it because, for me, this crossover was an utter failure.

If IS releases a new FE game right now, I’m still going to be doubtful and wait to see if people have a good opinion on this game.

To be clear, the only FE game I’m going to buy with closed eyes at the moment is a remake.

first of all THANK YOUUU~ to 🌶 anon

i am so flattered other ppl read my LONG ASS ask,,,, i hope you enjoyed it~

i took some time to rest (aka i fueled my introverted battery and baked a cake,,, gave it away (dont ask, i felt like baking), showered, watched some tv, ordered pizza and am now chillin on my couch hehe) and now i feel very talk active sooo here i am ONCE AGAIN

AND @shanice-1104 U ARE SO RIGHT

ITS ME,,,,IM THE SIMP (intelligent people are just so😫),, I AM INDEED OPEN FOR A SUGGAR- I MEAN FOR A DOCTOR TO PAY FOR MY NEEDS 😁😁😁😁😁

YALL SEE THEM CALLING ME DEAR AND BABE‼️‼️‼️ AND TELLING ME I SHOULD REST‼️‼️AND HOW THEY LOVE MY IDEAS‼️‼️‼️‼️ THE PRAISEEEE THE PRAISEE

anyone wanna be my yamqn!beomgyu but without the yandere 💗🥹🤌🏻

and what is a turn off…

like i said i am one kinky bitch… which actually literally no one i know personally knows😭

but i have some no gos and also some unpop opinions aaand this is the perf opportunity to just talk abt them i think its fun

so one thing i find rlly off putting is ddbg😟

or age play.. it makes me a little uncomfortable cause sometimes it feels like they’re sexualizing things that should be kept innocent and not be smth that has to do with … well sex, in my opinion and also THAT LACTATION THING BC ITS THERE TO FEED BABYS (with women) AND THATS WEIRD ON ITS OWN SO WHY WOULD U LIKE IT FOR MEN ????

and i know many people like roleplay but ill be honest, i never get the appeal of it, it kind of just puts me OUT of the mood immediately when i read it in fics or someone mentions it..

and exhibitionism, i do not understand the appeal of doing it in public for example, i can see why the ✨forbidden✨ aspect might be fun but in general i do not like the idea of random people seeing smth so intimidate and i also always feel bad for people who maybe notice it 💀

what i do find interesting and fun..

is somnophilia… and the thing is its kind of risky and a lot of people dislike it

but i think with the right circumstances it can be so nice?!

first of all having a partner you trust and have talked it through with completely! all the limits and what you do like/want

and then i saw this idea of having little necklaces, since it could take away some of the fun of having to personally ask your partner the night of, if they consent.. bc it could take away the suprise for example,, but generalizing and saying its always okey isnt great either… bc maybe ur in a bad mood or had a shit day and dont feel like it at all… so those necklaces could be customized to say yes or no or smth and indicate if the partner consents to it on that night or not

i think that just makes it a little safer for misunderstandings NOT to happen!

what i like abt it is the idea of waking up to your partner pleasuring you, or think your partner is so needy at night but they dont wanna disturb you so it just opens a lot of possibilities and i think its fun and maybe exciting which is what kinks are supossed to be i believe!

and what i RLLY like is marking up my partner i srsly love it (an obsession of mine here we go-)

i dont like it in the childisch way of having an obvious hickey on your neck and then flaunting it at school like youre THE DUDE… it feels a bit immature tbh

i love it in the way of (and i have written this a bit ago, explaining to my ex why i like it so much)

“i dont want others to see, i just wanna look at my work at the end of the night, making a mental image and the next time they look in the mirror they’ll be reminded of what we did”

which is also why i have a soft spot for thighs, hands or wrists, collarbones, lower bellys, backs and chests/boobs… theyre my fav places to mark up and i just love the idea of cuddling with my partner, counting all the hickeys or bite marks i left and recalling memories, the idea of them knowing i “own” them in the sense of theyre mine and mine only to ✨see✨ (although in general im not rlly possessive and don’t get jealous easily) so i can even bite their thigh for example and im the only one who’ll know (like our lil secret) or maybe leaving a cute lil hickey on their wrist and next time i play with their hands fingers i can see my mark- oftentimes when i find someone insanely attractive and their collarbones and neck show (in a photo (maybe a nude- for example) the idea of me being able to ruin or corrupt the beautiful sight with bitemarks makes my heart go 💗💗💗 and me in general 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

yeah i def got carried away AGAIN. i even wrote this in my notes so i wont get distracted and delete everything… and now i have completely exposed myself, everyone be careful i might bite ;)

-❄️ (feelin a bit spicy today now are we)

that sounds restorative. glad to hear about it ❤️ but i can't imagine going through the effort to bake or cook something just for someone else like that could never be me. i too need a yamqn gyu which is probably why i prefer him to tyun lmao

and omg y'all are blinded by the doctor title. i don't have shit to my name. my 5 years younger brother makes around three times my salary lol you only make good money out of being a doctor in america i swear

i totally get the ddbg and age play thing. like i get it the appeal to some extent like being taken care of and spoiled (is that the appeal? idk) but i just find it icky when the "baby" character can't speak or they have very obviously child-like mannerisms. it grosses me out. i've seen more than a couple fics of that type around felix lmao

and yeah lactation both ways freak me out but especially on males. i don't remember if i've written female lactation for iyym or not but if i have it was only to increase the crazy factor of felix (says I who writes noncon scenes)

roleplay is tricky because in real life i don't think i could ever take it seriously and in fics it wouldn't be roleplay it would just be the characters being the actual roles like teacher/student etc. but maybe if i tried it in real life i'd like it? idk i think i'd just laugh

oh man exhibitionism is definitely a kink that only belongs to the fics for me. i may have done a couple of things in public before but that wasn't because i was into it. i just didn't have a place to do it lmao. but getting caught is THE WORST (which i did like 3 times lmao)

somnophilia (with consent if it's in real life) is such a good concept. it's like the feeling you get when you wake up from a wet dream but better lol. but it does have it's drawbacks like morning breath and maybe having sweated through the night 😂

yesss the necklaces are also sooo good for the free use kink. like if you put the necklace on, it lets your partner know that they can just grab you and fuck your brains out whenever they want

for marks i like it for both ways honestly. the sweet one you mentioned and the "mine" aspect but the mine aspect is only for the fics again. i'd never intentionally mark my partner for the world to see that would be mortifying lmao (i did it once accidentally and it really was mortifying :'D)

survey #047

“whoever wants to be beautiful needs to suffer”

When was the last time you climbed over a fence? Not since I was a kid, I think. Not doing anything illegal, the fence was on our property. Does your pet wear a collar? Of course. Well, except my snake, but that's kinda a given, haha. What is the first thing on your Christmas Wishlist? To get the tattoo with Sara's handwriting covered with a tribute design to my late dog Teddy. What would you do if your mom/dad saw a hickey on you? Be embarrassed but probably say nothing. I'm old enough to do what I want in my own bedroom. What goal are you working on this month? Losing weight. I'm honestly terrified to weigh myself since my appetite has started to creep back, though... Like I haven't been eating a LOT, but more than I was when my appetite was non-existent. What could you say is your biggest time waster? These stupid surveys, for real. When was the last time that you were asked out somewhere, and you declined? Dad asked me at Ryder's bday party if I'd like to go with them to a football game; I said no just because of how poorly I handle heat, and NEVERMIND the walking/going up the steps... If you’re listening to music, name a lyric from the song. "Eitelkeit is nie bescheiden" = "vanity is never modest" in English. It's a remix of "Zick Zack" and by god this version's also an absolute banger alskdjfalk;wejlawje Are you a sound sleeper? This your first survey ya read of mine, buck-o? In your opinion, which is more attractive, nice biceps or washboard abs? Uh I think I'm maybe more attracted to nice arms, idk. I'm not personally attracted to either at an extreme. How do you feel about bands that use pyrotechnics in live concerts? Rammstein is literally THE BAND that uses pyrotechnics like absolute madmen, so I legally have to support it, lmao. On a serious note though, be trained and qualified before messing with that shit. Why do you hate your ex? I don't. Does anybody hate you? Probably. Trust issues? I've got 'em, but I've actually come to notice that while they're very severe with some people, especially men, there are certain types of people I will trust VERY fast, mostly maternal women. If you were pregnant, who would you tell first? Mom in a panic or Girt, idk. I never wanna find out. Do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like? Nope. Did you speak to your father today? No. What is your father’s middle name? John. When was the last time you had alcohol? A very long time; I'm on some meds that react poorly with alcohol in the system, so. Last person of the opposite sex you gave a hug to? My nephew. Have you ever met anyone who claimed to be a witch? One of my half-sisters does. What’s the weirdest thing in your body that you can crack? Idk. Do you know anyone with asthma? My mom. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? No. Who was the best kisser you’ve ever dated? Jason or Girt, idk. Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? Quite certain no. Are your siblings nice the majority of the time? Yes. Any other names your parents planned to give you? I seem to remember "Kathryn" being an option, but I'm not sure. Are you healthy? No. Like I'm not terribly ill, but my mental state isn't at all good and my body is FAR from the picture of health, too. Number of jeans in your closet: Literally zero. I haven't worn jeans since like, high school. Rihanna or Lady GaGa? Gaga. Which was the last book that really captivated you? The Handmaid's Tale. Do you prefer nail polish with sparkles in it, or matte colors? I don't wear any, but if I did, I'd choose matte. Have you ever had a teacher you got really close with? Oh yes, many. One is literally our landlord now and I think uh... bends the rules just so Mom and I have a house. Can you actually picture yourself getting married/having kids, or is that something that seems too distant in the future to imagine? Married, yes. Kids, no. I am just so NOT "together" enough to where the image of being a mom, never mind a good one, seems realistic. When’s the last time you spent time with your cousins? Many, many, many years. None of my cousins live anywhere near here. What’s your younger sibling’s name? Nicole. Do you have an idea of what kind of profession you’d like to have? Ideally, something artistic. Do you ever pick up your house phone? We haven't had a house phone in WELL over a decade. Is your sister a slut? None of them are. Do you ever think about what went wrong in your first relationship? Of course I do. That relationship changed my life. Him leaving literally traumatized me. If you had to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get? I want my nostril re-pierced. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? Being taken, I wouldn't. I'm not gonna entertain the thought if I wasn't bc I would HOPE I still wouldn't. I take intimacy too seriously for that. If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would you say? That's my mother, I am absolutely not thinking of that. Ever been kissed under fireworks? No. How would you react if a doctor told you that you were infertile? I'd be fucking ecstatic. I feel kinda bad saying that, like I know a lot of people would kill to be fertile, but noooooooot me. Do you get along with your best friend’s parents? His mom is a lovely woman, but his dad passed many years ago. Honestly though, I uh, don't really like most of what I know of his father. Not because he seemed mean, just... not pleasant, either. Have you ever been in a relationship where you didn’t get along with the person’s parents? No. How many people of the opposite sex have you said "I love you" to? Two, romantically. The person you fell the hardest for says they never felt anything for you. What do you say? "You're full of shit." Who was the last person to tell you that they find you attractive? Girt. What was the last compliment you paid to someone of the opposite sex? I called my boyfriend handsome like... yesterday or so? How often do you listen to music? Music has been like... my life for two months or so now. I'm basically always listening to it. Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? No. Is the person you last texted single? Yes. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on? Yes. Is the last person you kissed mad at you? I don't see why he would be. Has the person you like ever made you upset? Yes. Scenario: If you were getting unwanted attention by some creeper, would the person you like stand up for you? He absolutely would. Does the person you like, know that you like them? He's very well aware, yes. When angry, do you get loud or quiet? Usually deathly quiet, but not always. Have you ever been in a secret relationship? We weren't an official couple, but yes. Have you ever danced in front of your mirror naked? Hunny I would rather die lmao. Are your grandparents still alive? No. Ever been in a car accident? Yes. I am thankful beyond all words that Mom's driving skill saved us from flipping over. If you got married to the last person you kissed would you be happy? I want to one day, so yes. Do you like any of Justin Bieber’s songs? I know literally none besides "Baby," and god knows I hated that fucking song. Do you believe saving your virginity for marriage or no? I'm not going to, but if you want to, cool. When you were a kid, did you ever like Barney? I did. Not at much as my older sister, though. When was the last time you kissed someone? It's been a few weeks. He's been busy, tired, and now sick. What’s the capital of wherever you live? Raleigh. Did you have any beer this past week? Beer is never, ever going in my mouth. It was my dad's drink of choice as an alcoholic and I don't even like smelling it. Have you ever had champagne? Did you like it? No. Do you like to cuddle? If I'm not hot, yes. Do you think you’ve changed over the past year? I feel I've matured some. When was the last time you talked to your grandmother? Maybe around like... two years ago or so when I last saw her when she and her shithead son stopped at a hotel to see us for a bit. She was in horrible condition. Ash's kids were supposed to meet her that day, but everyone decided against it when we saw JUST how basically already dead my grandmother was. The kids, Aubree especially, would have been very confused and scared, not understanding what was wrong with her. Have you ever phoned a sex hot line? LKJASLKDJFALK;WEJDLKAWJE OH MY GOOOOOOOOD GUYS when my sister and I + our neighbor were in our prank call phase as kids we accidentally called one SCREAMS Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Open. I have a cat; he never lets that door be shut, lol. Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their bf/gf? My SISTER'S friend, but she wasn't really mine. That was SO fuckin awkward, like I was just chilling on the computer I believe and then here these two are making out on the couch lmao When was the last time you saw your grandpa? Maternal: not since I was a baby, too young to even remember. Paternal: young child, also don't remember him. The last time you had sex, was it in their bed or yours? I've only ever been sexual with him in mine, I haven't even seen his room lmao. List one of your fears: Pregnancy. I've actually come to notice an even better umbrella fear is what I interpret as body horror, which to me, includes pregnancy because the stomach just... isn't supposed to look like that. I just don't like when something is abnormal with the body. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? Uh possibly, but I don't believe so. Do you know anyone who drinks a lot? Yes. When someone says “we need to talk” what runs through your mind? I immediately go through the mental list of all things potentially wrong I've done since birth lmao Have you ever lived with your girlfriend/boyfriend? Not my current bf. I kinda-sorta lived with an ex for a time, but I wasn't listed as an actual resident even though I technically should have been with how frequently I was there, to the point my dog even "moved" there with me. What do you think your significant other/crush likes the most about you? Hell if I know. What are your plans for tomorrow? I don't know. I'm really hoping to see Girt, but I don't know if he has work and if he's gonna be feeling well. Does your significant other/crush have any close female friends? If so, how do you feel about that? Have you ever felt jealous of them? I actually don't know, but I never hear him *talk* about other female friends. I'd be fine with him having them though. Have your parents ever told you stories about the day you were born? I just know there was an ice storm and that Mom was induced because I was pretty late. How long have you been using Tumblr? Many years, but to varying frequencies. Most recently I didn't touch my main blog for like... around a year or so, but now I use it regularly again because the Rammstein fanbase is pretty poppin', haha. Who was the last person that you introduced to your family? Holy cow, I don't think I've introduced a new person to someone in my family since Tyler to Mom. Your period is a few days late… are you worried? Bro my period is WILDLY late because of med changes and stuff, and I'm not at all worried because being pregnant is physically impossible for me rn. I worry about it for the future though, just because I am SUCH a worry-wart and off-sync menstruating is not at all rare for me. Do you know all the words to the last song you listened to? BIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA Does your significant other/crush like chocolate? Sure, but he doesn't eat it a lot. He's really particular about eating healthy. Can your significant other/crush sing? He's a wonderful singer, yeah. Have you ever seen your father cry? I've seen him tear up only once in my life, talking to Mom about his mom's funeral. Who was the last person you added as a friend on Facebook? How do you know that person? Chelsey, my brother's wife. I haven't actually met her, but she seems like a lovely woman.

late nights

SUMMARY — you and bang chan are both equally as stressed out. your solution?  sleep with each other. boom, problem solved.

PAIRING — bang chan  x  reader  WARNINGS — mentions of stress and mental health problems, unprotected sex, soft!dom chan, mentions of kinks, really soft, really cute smut basically, crying (not sexually), sad thoughts, angry and frustrated emotions, angsty GENRE — heavy angst, fwb, coming-of-age kind of, smut, romance, porn with a hint of plot WORD COUNT — 4.9k, i got carried away my bad

“How do you deal with stress?”

Chan’s question wasn’t ill intentioned by any means, and as you both sat in his studio, you pondered on whether or not to actually answer truthfully. “I mean, you’re the leader of two more trainees than I was, and navigating as a girlgroup is much more difficult than boygroups,”

“Do you want the honest answer, or the more appropriate answer?” you crossed your legs, Chan’s couch feeling quite comfortable. He stared down at you for a moment, the height of his chair offering him that leverage.

The room was quiet, the lights were dim, and the entire environment was soothing. “Well, honest, of course. No point in me asking if it’s a fib, no?”

You nodded, blowing a puff of air out of your nose thoughtfully. “Truthfully, I use sex. It allows me to physically and mentally drain myself, and I sleep really well after getting fucked. It allows me to refresh the next morning, and my stress, at least physically, is diminished.”

You didn’t look at him until you finished talking, and his face was blank. Once you two locked eyes, he sputtered out, “Oh, I—”

“This is why I offered two options, Chan,” you laughed, and at the lighten of atmosphere he giggled a bit too. “I didn’t mean to, y’know,” he stopped, and you nodded lightly. “I get it, but as of now I don’t do it much anymore. I usually just let out my anger or stress during dance routines or working out but it doesn’t work the same, and sometimes I deliver moves too harshly while dancing.”

“Why not?”

You were unsure what he was referring to, and you crinkled your eyebrows. “How come you don’t do it anymore if nothing else helps the same way?” he asked softly, his eyes swimming with genuine concern. 

“I’m a lot more conservative with my body, I just have to trust someone. It’s hard to get to know a guy without them immediately wanting to jump into a relationship. You can’t really do that in what we do, and the second I start to trust a guy things go haywire. I just really have to have a good friendship to have sex, I guess.”

The entirety of the conversation, Chan’s cheeks were turning peach. Even in the dark, dim light, you could see it. “I understand, it’s a very tangible thing. Just giving yourself to someone like that without a basic relationship, platonic or not, is important depending on how you view relationships,”

You nodded in response, and a silence fell over you two. There wasn’t much to be said, but for some reason you decided to blurt out. “If you don’t know how to deplete stress, I suggest it. Just the no strings attached part, because otherwise things get messy and stress becomes inevitable. Just try it sometime, Chan. If you don’t like it, then consider it a learning experience,” you shrugged, and Chan pursed his lips.

“I mean it doesn’t sound like a bad idea, per se. I just don’t know how I’ll casually ask someone to have sex. Most women just run off the moment I mention it, and who knows if they’re even into the same things I am? There’s just so many things to be unsure of.” His chin was now laying on his thumb, and his pointer finger was laying above his top lip. He was deep in thought. 

You stood up, which cause Chan to unexpectedly flinch, and he watched you with careful eyes. “Chris, if you ever feel like you need a de-stresser, you know where to find me. Nothing will be weird unless you make it weird. Or we can always just talk, either way, I’m here. I have to go before Sumna comes and drags me out of here, but seriously. Whatever you need, no strings attached. Nothing leaves this room,” you mentioned softly, and his eyes widened at his English name. It’s rather rare you used it, so he pondered the specific use of it in this scenario.

“Thank you,” he muttered simply, and he watched you as you walked out. Was she being serious?

Chan and you had not talked in a few days. Whether it was a crazy schedule, you embarassing yourself, or him not knowing how to approach the situation, you didn’t know. All you did know was that you missed your friend. 

You and your bandmates had a hectic schedule today, and as the leader, you’d had to sit in on a meeting with your manager and JYP’s public relations manager. Apparently, Dispatch had caught one of your members, Lanzi, out doing something with another k-pop idol. Dispatch had only obtained two pictures of it, but it was clearly legible on who they were, and what they were doing.

The cost to get those pictures thrown out was much more than JYP would have liked, so she had to sit and get chewed out. Instead of being angry at Lanzi, she became more angry at herself. She had talked to them about things of this sort, but clearly not well enough. It was her job as leader, and she failed doing so. 

After a three hour long meeting, you were absolutely exhausted, mentally at least. And now, just after that, was choreography practice. You’d just learned the choreo a few days before, so for the most part you had it down. As lead dancer, you also had to make sure everyone else in your group understood that too. 

So, thirty minutes into practice, when none of your members seemed to be latching on, you sighed. Your entire job was to simply lead, and do well. Somehow, you couldn’t manage to do that. Once more, you started the choreography, and told your girls to simply stand back and watch.

You had a slight tone, but you needed them to understand that rhythm is just as important as the real dance moves. Your entire body was covered in sweat, and you were growing more frustrated by the minute. 

The way your body moved was no longer elegant, just harsh, angry strokes of somewhat rhythmic actions. You did your best to do it just as you were shown, but the overwhelming anger and emotion in your body was just more than you could handle. 

Little did you know, next to your bandmates, stood Hyunjin and Chan. They had come to ask something, but instead found you dancing your angered heart out. All stopped and stared, and Chan could only focus on the way your hips contorted, the patterns your hips followed.

As the music stopped, you turned around, and your eyes widened at the visitors. 

“We can leave if you’re busy, Hyunjin-ah just wanted to ask if he could borrow the studio tomorrow, and I wanted a word with you, if that’s okay,” Chan asked, and all of your bandmates went silent, expecting you to take the lead of the conversation.

“Hyunjin-sunbaenim, the studio is yours whenever you need it. Let me know what time, and Chan-oppa, would you like to talk now?”

Hyunjin bowed, and gave a quick thank you before heading out of the room. “Yes, please. If you’re too busy, no worries,” and you looked at your girls and told them to head back to the dorm. You were done for today, no reason to beat a dead horse when clearly today was not a good one to get skills in. 

“Can we talk in my studio?” Chan came closer to you, almost a whisper, and you knew this was going to go one of two ways: he was going to fuck your brains out, or he was going to let you know that he did not think of you in that way, and to please never discuss things like that with him again. You don’t think you could handle either, at least not today. 

“Yeah, let me grab some other clothes,” you said softly, rubbing your forehead in anxiety. Chan quickly started to mention something, and you shut him up quick. “I don’t—”

“Chan, I’m getting new clothes because I am sweaty and tired, nothing else. I will meet you in your studio after I am changed,” you sighed, your hot knees feeling good against the cool floor of the choreography studio. Your duffle bag now wide open, you grabbed an oversized long sleeve shirt and a pair of loose jeans. 

You also reapplied deodorant and some perfume so you didn’t smell like you lived in a sewer, the amount

As your girls were long gone, you felt free to change in the studio. Your clothes quickly fell to the floor, and you were now in more comfortable apparel that is not drenched in sweat. Dreading this conversation with Chan, you swiftly collected your things and moved them to the corner to come collect after you spoke to Chan and was ready to go home. 

Guiding your way to Chan’s studio was a walk in the park. The amount of times you’d go in there to talk to him, or for him to let you hear what he’d been working on, was countless. You two had budded a beautiful friendship, and he had been somewhat of a rock. He had always been so sweet, so loving. And you’ve possibly ruined it because you couldn’t think of anything other than sex when trying to guide him through dealing with stress.

Your eyes almost welled at the thought. You couldn’t cry though, not now. So, as you stood outside of Chan’s recording studio, you held your breath for a moment and looked up, letting the tears vanish.

A soft knock sounded, your knuckles rasping at the door. The hallways were silent, and you couldn’t hear a single thing from inside Chan’s studio. Your own heartbeat pounded in your ears, and you tensed as you heard footsteps leading up to his door.

He opened the door, his face showing no clear emotions. He didn’t seem angry, but he wasn’t too happy to see you, either. His hair was clearly ran through by his hand, blonde tufts falling back towards his ears. His makeup was done to perfection, light brown tones covering his lids. 

He wore a simple outfit, a loose black hoodie and dark blue sweatpants. He’d changed from earlier, his black ripped jeans now nowhere to be seen. “Come in, you can sit anywhere,” his voice was always soft, even though he could be fuming, his tone would never soar. 

“Chan, I just want to say I’m sorry,” you muffled out, plopping down unconventionally on his couch. “I just, I don’t know why I said those things or did that,” at this point, you just didn’t want him to think differently of you. He was the closest thing you had to a mentor, and he was an amazing friend. 

If you lost him, or ruined your relationship, you don’t think you could ever forgive yourself. 

You pulled your knees up to your chest as he took a seat in his chair, staring expectedly at you. Silence followed, so you continued, unsure of what he was expecting to hear. “I just don’t like you being stressed, and the only way I know how to cope with things is kind of like that, so I figured maybe you could too, and then I offered, and I feel like I just fucked things up between us. I.. just I’m so sorry.”

At this point your eyes had clouded up, and your voice had cracked multiple times. The day you’d had just piled up, and your exhaustion was visible. Chan’s eyes immediately softened, and he felt bad. He wasn’t mad, he just didn’t know how to approach the situation. 

“Hey, hey,” he soothed, and he stood up from his chair and joined you on the couch. At this point, you’d started full on crying. “I ruined our friendship, and now I’m sitting here crying so you’re gonna feel too bad to be honest with me about what I did wrong,” you were now sniffling hard, and your chest was dense you were surprised you could breathe. 

“No, love, that’s not it, I promise,” your heart pumped blood a bit harder at his nickname for you, and he placed a warm hand on your back. “I came here to ask if you were okay,” his tone was now nothing but soft and supportive, and he continuously rubbed your back. Warmth spread throughout your entire body. 

“I heard about the meeting, and everyone kept discussing how stressed out you were today,” in the dim light once more, his eyes glowed. They were so soft, so sweet. His entire aura was just warm, loving, and nothing was more assuring. 

“No matter what happens between us, you’re my friend, and I care about you,” he smiled softly, “Nothing would change that, unless you like, stabbed me or something,” he laughed soulfully, and you laughed with him. He pulled you closer to him, your head now leaning on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Chan. I just didn’t know what to do, and today has been really shitty,” you smiled, and let your head fall even closer to his chest. His thumbs ran circles around your back, and he held you close. “It’s okay, I understand. Trust me,” a warm silence encased the entire room, and as Chan now cuddled you warmly, your face was now red at the reality of the situation.

“Do you feel a bit better?”

“Yeah, I just needed someone to remind me of how things are and to keep me grounded,” you sighed, and Chan’s thumb was now no longer rubbing your back. His hand had stilled, and all you could hear was the heartbeat from inside Chan’s chest. He was so broad, and the expanse of his torso provided a very comfortable pillow.

“I wasn’t offended, or taken back or anything when you offered, you know that, right?” Chan spoke out of nowhere, the rumbling of his chest vibrating intensely. “I wouldn’t have known, I tried my best to ignore you in case you never wanted to speak to me again,”

A small laugh came out of Chan, and his chest pushed your head a bit. “No, in fact, I think I’ve thought about it a little too much.”

You pushed your head off of him at this point, and resuming your position before he sat on the couch. You pulled your knees back up to your chest, and looked at him. “Really?”

“You said you wanted to have sex with someone you trust, and I feel the same way. It’s really hard to come by good people with good intentions, and you also happen to be beyond gorgeous. Why would I not want to?”

With cheeks now flushed red, you giggled. School-girl giggled, specifically. You had no idea how to take this compliment, but then the realization hit you. Christopher Bang just said he wants to fuck you.

His face also turned a deep scarlet, and he looked down, waiting for a reaction. “Mr. Bang, the things you say. So scandalous,” you both laughed lightly, and you hummed in response to the silence. “If we decide to ever do something, it’s important we talk about it first,” you mentioned, and now the conversation went from light-hearted to a bit more serious.

 “Of course, but in what way?”

“I don’t know, what kinds of things do you like? I can’t promise I can pertain to everything, but there’s no harm in trying. Especially if it happens more than once,” you clutched your legs, and Chan leaned forward a bit, his elbows on his knees as he stared ahead.

“Uh, well,” he laughed, and covered his hands with his face. This was the Chan you liked, who could make any situation, no matter how dark, seem light and easy-going. “It’s not really,” he started, beginning to look at you, then stopping himself, “I don’t know. I never usually talk about it like this,”

“Well, how about this: I tell you what I like, and you tell me what you’re willing to do. Just because I like it does not mean you have to do it, but if you enjoy it too, its mutual pleasure, yeah?”

Chan simply nodded, now mesmerized by you. His face completely tracked yours, and you sighed. “I have always loved your hands. I really, really like if you’d put them around my neck, if you would ever feel so kind. I really love being praised, I love being called a good girl, things like that. My favorite foreplay is just making out, I’m just a big softie, but I can take rough if that’s what you like. I’m a big pleaser, and I want to make sure you’re taken care of and get some pleasure out of this,”

Chan nodded once more, and his fingers instinctively wrapped themselves around his rings, twisting and turning. “Your turn, Channie,” you smirked, and he leaned back, a smile crowning his face. 

“Well, I really like being soft and intimate, I like any position, bonus points if I see your face,” he smiled, his cheeks burning scarlet. He clearly did not talk about these things often, moreso just played them out in the midst of a high and never spoke of it again. But he and you both knew how important communication was, so he continued.

“I have played around with being called Daddy, but I’m not sure, and if you’re not comfortable with it—”

“If I am that uncomfortable with something, I promise I’ll tell you. Besides, that’s really cute. Rolls right off the tongue, right Daddy?”

He visibily shivered, and you smiled. “I—uh, I like if you’d run your fingers through my hair, not too hard, but like soothingly, kind of? If that makes sense. I also like it if you’d verbalise when you’re, uh—”

You knew where he was going, so you leaned close to his ear and finished his sentence for him. “Gonna cum? Oh, it would be rude not to,” you laughed gently, and you saw the last of Chan’s patience snap like a rubber band. 

His hands grabbed your face sternly, yet somehow gently. “Do you want this?” he asked, the lust obvious on his face. Despite any previous conversation, he needed verbal consent to continue, and it would make him feel most okay with doing this. 

“Yes,”

The room was now silent, anticipation filling your entire body. You’d come in here crying, and you couldn’t help but hope you’d leave the same way; just a different type of crying. 

He pushed you so your back was now flush against the couch, the headrest leaning your upper torso closer to him. “Tell me to stop, and I promise I will, alright? The second you tell me to,” he was now looking you dead in the eyes, above you. Your legs were spread open, and his entire body was in the valley of your abdomen. Both of his arms were on either side of you, perching himself up. 

“Chris, just kiss me already,” you whined, and he laughed wholeheartedly, before dipping in. The first kiss was hesitant, exploring new territory. His lips tasted like vanilla chapstick, and the first few were light pecks. It took only a second before he took the initiative and added his tongue to the mixture. 

You rarely ever used tongue, most of your hookups barely even kissed, which is why none of them compared. Kissing was your weak point, it was a vulnerability. And Chan did not abuse that power once.

“Is this okay?” he mumbled against your mouth, your exchanging saliva now making more than your mouth lubricated. “Fuck, yes,” you moaned out, the amount of times he would kiss you now making you weak.

His hands dragged softly, and held themselves at your jaw, a classic sweetheart. His thumb was against your cheek so softly, the pads gracefully rubbing across the expanse of your cheekbone.

Everything about this was so domestic, so warm. His kisses were so soft, and full of love. There was no rush, no push to go any farther had you or him decided not to. His warm hands on your face made you purr on the inside, and when he pulled away, he had looked more beautiful than ever. 

You had no intention of mentioning the wetness that had gathered between your legs, until Chan was staring at you, and momentarily his eyes widened. “Shit,” he cursed, looking around rapidly. “We don’t have a condom. I’m clean and everything, but we don’t have to continue if you don’t feel comfortable,”

“I have an implant, and I’m clean too. I just want you, if you want me too.”

Chan had no other qualms about it, and he attacked your face in sloppy kisses. “Here, can we switch positions, my arm is hurting?” he asked awkwardly, and you laughed with your entire chest. It was a normal question, but the way he asked so ashamedly, as if it was something terrible. 

“Sit up straight, let me get on your lap,” you said softly, and he did as he was told. It was only then that you saw the bulge in his sweatpants, and you forgot that he actually had a male appendage, and from the looks of it, he was either girthy or long. Or both. 

As long as he knew how to use it, you’d be fine. 

He grabbed you by your hand to help maneuver you, and now your entire weight was on top of Chan. As you finally sat your hips down, he groaned. “Oh god,”

You took his face in your hands, and started kissing him again. At this point, you didn’t want him to be respectful anymore. His hands did not waver from your face, and so you took it into your own hands. Grabbing them both, so soft and calloused, and placed them as discreetly as you could, onto your hips. Moreso your ass, but Chan didn’t know your intentions. 

His hands pushed your hips forward, now rutting against his hard on. His lips and yours were now in a frenzy, drenching each other. It was still pretty slow, nothing fast paced, just more intense.

He broke the kiss, and his hands now edged at the bottom of your shirt. “Can I take this off?” he asked, breathless. His lips were now swollen and puffy, and his pupils were blown wide. 

You nodded softly, no words needed to be said. He quickly hauled the oversize shirt above your head, and groaned harshly when he realized you had no bra on. His first instinct was to latch his mouth onto your nipples, sucking softly. A moan left your mouth, and with nothing to hold onto anymore, your hands found his hair. 

Still rocking back and forth, your panties were probably soaked at that point. So much foreplay had you almost throbbing, and you couldn’t wait much longer to have him inside you. 

“Chan, please,” you moaned out, and he bit down on your nipple gently. “Only since you asked so nicely,” he added, and he told you to stand up. You did so, easily willingly, yet you loved the way he spoke to you.

It was almost a request, a plea. There was no power imbalance here, simply one trying to find another. He was so gentle, in everything he did. You wanted to drown in that feeling. 

He pulled your jeans off without a hitch, and eyed your lace panties hungrily, slightly thankful you’d changed earlier this evening. His fingers grasped the sides, pulling them down your legs. You were now completely bare, and he was fully dressed. This was a problem. 

“Not fair, your turn,” you pouted, and his eyes were fixated on your naked body. It felt odd, having him see you like this, but you couldn’t complain. Your arousal was now tainting your inner thighs, and Chan could probably see it too. 

He rid himself of his hoodie and his shirt at the same time, and you finally got a full view of him shirtless. This man was absolutely ripped, and you had to hold in a gasp. His arms were lined in protruding veins, and his abs were impeccable. You worked out, but not in your wildest dreams would you ever be able to maintain that nice of a physique. 

It wasn’t until he pulled off his pants, and painstakingly after, he patiently pulled his boxers off. God, did he have a pretty cock. A bit longer than average, slightly girthy, and it made your mouth water just thinking about it. 

Your first instinct was to pop down onto your knees, but as you were on your way down, Chan grabbed you by the arm. “Not this time, please, I need you,” he whined out, almost painfully. 

As you were on top of his lap, you were careful not to let him inside you yet. You figured he could decide when to do it, and you squealed when he let one hand slide from your face, down to your throat. His fingers, covered in rings, squeezed gently. He coaxed another moan from you as he let his fingers glide down the valley of your body, and found itself on your clit.

His movements were slow, but intense. His fingers glided over your folds, picking up some of your arousal, and placed all of his attention onto your little nub. Small pinprick moans escaped your mouth, and you began to tilt your hips in an attempt to get more friction. “Fuck, you’re so wet,”

Some noise semblant to a mew tried to leave your mouth, but his fingers tangled themselves around your neck further, leaving the sound trapped in your throat. “Are you ready? Or do we need to get you a bit more warmed up?” he asked softly, his mouth now next to you ear. His voice was dark, and husky.

“God, I just need you inside me,” you whined, and his hand let up on your neck, and he grabbed his cock harshly. He pumped it a few times, and spread your lips, and lined you up.

“Beg,” he said simply, and even if you tried to sink down, he now placed a hand on top of your hips harshly. You couldn’t move even if you wanted to. “W—what?” you asked, breathless. 

“Beg, I want to hear you beg for me to fuck you,” he repeated himself, and looked down at you mischeviously. You two were face to face, and his cock was still in his hands, and your lips spread wide open for him to see. “Fuck, please,” you whined, and to no avail, he didn’t budge, “please, daddy, I just wanna feel good,”

As soon as the name sounded from your mouth, he pushed inside of you. The stretch was amazing, it was slightly painful, but it felt like nothing on this earth could amount. His entire cock filled you out nicely, and the lewd sound of him smacking against you was filling the room.

His hands laid at your hips now, piling into you like his life depended on it. His balls were smacking against your ass, and the harsh thrusts stimulated your clit. Everything was so intense, the way he filled you so deeply, you could feel him in places you didn’t know he could reach, and you felt like you’d burst apart the seams. 

Shameless moans spilled from your mouth, and Chan was in your ear, grunting like a man starved. “Such a good girl, fuck, for me,” his groans were so animalistic, and the way his hands would hold you steady.

His fingers traveled down to toy with your clit, and he never stopped fucking you. Your fingers started to tangle within his hair, and his lips attached themselves to your neck, sucking, finding anything to latch onto. 

The second his fingers started rubbing your clit numbly, you knew that you were going to cum soon. Everything he did just felt so good, you were just a hole the second he started fucking you.

“I—I’m gonna, I’m gonna cum,” you breathed out heavily, and your legs started shaking. “Please, can I—please cum?”

“Yes, cum for me,” he breathed out in a husky tone, and it wasn’t long until you felt your thighs start to involuntarily shake, and the feeling inside your abdomen welling up. “I’m so—” you were cut off by your orgasm rushing over you, Chan’s fingers never stopped stimulating your clit.

You moaned out harshly, slumping towards him, unable to control yourself as one of the most harsh orgasms you’ve ever had washed over you. Your entire body started to seize, and you clenched around him harshly. He continued to fuck into you, sucking into your neck, and he starting fucking into you faster. He was definitely close, “Where-”

You cut him off, still under the shock of your orgasm, “inside me, please,” you begged, and he fucked into you once more, even harder. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum,”

He lived up to his promise, as less than a few seconds later, his warm cum spurted inside of you, and he still rutted his hips, begging for more friction. He stroked into you a few more times, now drained of energy. He placed a soft kiss onto your neck, and whispered, “Thank you.”

You got up, and put your shirt back on over yourself, and Chan pulled his boxers and sweatpants on once more. A thought rose over you on whether to leave or not, but you knew Chan would be a skinship type of guy. He would probably have a drop, and not be used to just casual hookups like this.

“Do you want me to stay?” you asked softly, and a large part of you hoped he would say yes.

“Please.”

Adventures in Aphobia #1

So I was scrolling through Tumblr the other day (a regrettable mistake as always), and I had the great pleasure of seeing this joyous post.

*deep breath*

Not gonna lie, posts like this make me real pissed. Pissed because the person who posted this exists in a space where they feel comfortable enough to post this online. Pissed because these posts are so common and often face little backlash. And pissed because there’s nothing better than allosexuals condescendingly explaining to asexual people why they’re dirty attention whores who invent their own oppression. Ace people deserve to be defended against this horseshit. Young people see these posts, and it’s extremely damaging to have your identity be nothing more than fuel for people in discourse to mock you and demand you bled in order for them to notice your pain.

Anger aside, many people do not see why this post is wrong, so why is it? Let’s unpack this clusterfuck of bigotry:

“would love to see substantive evidence of systematic “aphobia” that isn’t actually just misogyny, toxic masculinity, or rpe culture.”

God damn, we are not mincing our words here XD. A few things: systematic in bold, which tells you if you do not make a blood sacrifice on the altar of queer pain you will not be taken seriously. Potential nitpick, but systemic and systematic are not the same thing. I believe systemic is the word they’re looking for. Systematic implies a lot more intentionality that can be hard to prove. Systemic merely means that systems, in their current state, do aphobic things, which they absolutely do.

“Aphobia” in quotes is absolutely rich. Not only will this person refuse to acknowledge systemic aphobia, which is only one type, but this poster casts clear doubt upon the mere concept of aphobia in and of itself. We love to see it.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The statement, as clearly condescending as intended, is sort of correct, though it doesn’t mean a whole lot. Systemic oppression is about the systems in a society (government, healthcare, etc) discriminating against people. Systemic oppression is not bigotry faced on a person-to-person level. In short, systematic oppression is something a person experiences in their overall life, while personal discrimination is experienced on a personal level by people who are not singularly in control of the systems. This post boils down the negative comments ace people face into being called “weird”, which is an understatement for sure, but calling a gay person weird isn’t systemic oppression either.

It’s still bad and discriminatory.

This is such a snotty way to dismiss aphobia as some mere, insignificant comment with no meaning as if it doesn’t reinforce society’s painful aphobic views in the same way casual homophobic comments reinforce heteronormativity and society’s hostility toward gay people.

Ace people face discrimination in healthcare, most notably, which is systemic discrimination, but the systemic discrimination of asexuals really ought to be its own post if I’m to nosedive into it. Even if ace people faced no systemic discrimination, it wouldn’t make this point anymore correct. Discrimination is a perfectly valid reason to feel disregarded by society, and often only ace people are denied the right to feel this way and are instead gaslit into admitting what they face is no big deal and they’re just making it up for attention.

The experience of being pressured to have sex when you’re allo vs ace is very different. The vast majority of allo people do not plan to be celibate their whole lives. Many ace people do not want to have sex, ever. “Waiting for sex” in much of western society and in Christianity is seen as pure and honorable. Yet being asexual and never wanting sex is seen as a deviant disorder and people are accused of robbing their partner of sex forever.

There’s really a specific flavor of sexual pressure that is unique to ace people. Sex being to “fix” someone or because they “just need to try it”.

In this respect, aphobic sexual pressure is better compared to that faced by gay people and lesbians. Lesbians especially often can face this same struggle, men pressuring them to have sex because they think lesbians just need to “try it” or to “fix them”. I can imagine this poster would have no issue acknowledging lesbophobia being the root of lesbians coerced into sex with men, yet she does not give ace people the same.

Imagine if someone said (and knowing our fucked world, someone probably has): “Lesbophobia doesn’t exist. It’s just misogyny. Straight women are coerced into sex too!”

It’d be pathetic bullshit. Toxic masculinity, misogyny and many other issues can all tangle into combined messes with other forms of bigotry. Lesbophobia is an experience that deserves to be recognized apart from misogyny, even if the two are linked. Please stop erasing ace people’s experiences with this when it’s not the same thing.

Honestly, though, this post, as trashy as it is, if anything, is perhaps, really asking: Is there any type of aphobic experience that’s inherently exclusive to ace people?

I still wager to go say, yes, yes there is, but I must make an important point first:

Most experiences of queer discrimination are not limited to queer people.

Homophobia and transphobia are both experienced by cishets in certain instances. Feminine straight men can be victims of homophobic harassment. This does not disprove the fact that it’s homophobia just because a straight man is the victim of it. A tall cis woman with broad shoulders and a lower voice may be the victim of transphobic remarks or comments. The basis of these comments is rooted in transphobia, however, so the fact that the victim is cis does not erase the transphobia.

People who argue that experiences ace people complain about can be experienced by allosexuals are not poking a legitimate hole in doing this. Certain experiences related to aphobia can and are experienced by allosexuals. If you do not acknowledge this, then homophobia and transphobia aren’t real because cishet people have sometimes experienced them.

Despite cishets sometimes experiencing queerphobia, most of us acknowledge that their experience of that bigotry, however unfortunate, is not the same as that experienced by actual queer people. It’d be quite homophobic for a feminine straight man to claim he knew just as much about the gay experience as an actual gay man. Similarly, when allosexual people relate experiences that were rooted in aphobia, it’s overstepping a line when they claim asexual discrimination isn’t real because they experienced elements of it too.

Cishet (cishet including allosexuals) people do not experience their doctors telling them their sexuality might be a disorder or caused by trauma. Allo queer people can experience this with their sexualities too.

“using sex appeal to sell products is misogyny, it is not engineered to gross sex-repulsed people, it is meant to objectify women.”

This is a strawman thinner than my last nerve. Uh, what? What ace people are you seeing that literally think sex appeal was engineered to gross-out sex-repulsed people?? I don’t think this is a core argument??

Yes, sex-repulsed ace people sometimes complain about sex appeal in media being uncomfortable. But that’s it. Every time an ace person shares a discomfort of theirs doesn’t mean it’s the entire basis of their oppression. For the love of God, let ace people discuss their experiences without being blow-torched over not being oppressed enough with an individual discomfort. 

BONUS ROUND

(This was in the tags)

“Completely vilifies celibate individuals” 

...no…? What…? Huh…? 

The most charitable interpretation of this vague accusation is that the poster means celibate people face aphobia as well, due to not wanting to have sex. I have no idea how this “vilifies” anyone, but that aside, as said before: people who are not queer can face aphobia. Also worth noting that society treats celibate people way better than ace people, which is really another example of aphobia. Celibate people can be told they’re missing out (which could be at very least related to aphobic ideals), but they’re rarely called broken. Celibacy is seen more as a respected, controlled ideal in allo people, but when ace people want to do it, they’re just mentally ill.

Anyway, the post was aphobic trash, and it needs to be debunked more often. Mocking ace people online is not a good look anymore, guys. Don't be ugly.

Apologies for the anon mask but I am noooot in a mental state to get swarmed for contributing to this convo.

I feel like people in this JKR conversation are losing the fact that casual / unintentional bigotry exists. Systemic issues exist. And there's a big difference between a flawed comment, or being raised with beliefs and not questioning them, to being a full fledged bigot.

(For the record, by the way, because the "minorities are immune" comment still absolutely boggles the mind, I am a physically and mentally disabled trans person, who is part of a DID system, and uses a wheelchair and cane if I go further than my front door. Being a minority doesn't mean that people can't manipulate you.)

When I was 13, my father told me that "It's unfair for Black folks to wear Black Power Tshirts and get angry when I sau White Power." As someone who knew nothing about racism in Canada, who had only been taught the softened and white washed history, I didn't question it. I actually started to repeat it, and be annoyed when I saw those shirts. It wasn't until a friend called me out on it, and I went to further educate myself, that I understood.

My mother has dated trans folks on and off, and I was around the queer community since I was young. I never questioned the validity of trans people. But my mother had a saying. "Trans people are ps*chotic when they go off their hormones." If a trans friend or partner was upset, or angry, or emotional in any way, her first question was if they had missed a dose. I got this a lot as a kid too, they had me on more uppers and downers than I could remember, and so I got the same questions. I didn't question it. Years later, when I met more trans folks that were my own friends, and I started to question my own gender identity, I repeated this to them and asked if it was true, and was quickly corrected.

Hell, I ran around using abelist slurs and language like calling people ps*cho, narcissist, bipolar, just to name a few, despite HAVING several mental illnesses myself.

The point I'm trying to make is that yes, things like goblins being antisemitic, a Black character named Shacklebolt being dogey at best, the whole mess with Rita Skeeter - these should have been indicators. But they were also likely, at first, just the same run of the mill daily instances of bigotry.

Does that excuse them? Absolutely not. But JKR didn't go from "hey, maybe having your female antagonist described as 'looking manish' and 'hiding among ~normal people~ to do them wrong' isn't great" to writing essays about the "dangers" of trans people, donating to anti-trans groups, and writing a story about a man who dresses as a woman to abduct and murder women with absolutely zero influence. Something happened in the middle.

And we watched it happen, across several years and social media platforms. TERFs got their hooks in her, and yes, she made the choice to ignore any well intentioned people trying to correct her, but she wasn't born transphobic. No one is born a bigot.

The fact that her social media history could be one of the best and most detailed examples of how TERFs indoctrinate people isn't something we should be sneezing at. I'm entirely serious when I say it should be studied, because we can start to learn how vulnerable people get coerced.

Do I think JKR is still to blame for many of the actions she's taken, especially being such a public figure? Absolutely. Manipulated or not, there were choices she made and advice she ignored, and she has and will continue to cause real, tangible harm to real, vulnerable people. I don't think anyone here is saying we need to make her in to a martyr and forgive everything she's done. But the process is important. Understanding the process is how we stop it from happening again.

I was lucky enough to have people pull me back when they realized I was starting to get pulled in to those circles. Some people aren't that lucky. It doesn't mean forgive them, or that their actions don't matter. It just means that we need more people who know what to look for, so they can help pull someone else back if they see it happening.

I don't really have anything to add to this except to thank you for your story, anon, and for your reflections on this whole issue.

And no worries about being anon, do what you need to do to protect yourself and your mental health.

Rec List

Hey. It’s me. Sunlit Garden on AO3. If you would like to find a bughead fic, beta, be long-term groomed with positive feedback and helpfulness, then have your self-confidence chipped away, be isolated from other support systems, be negged, insulted, and emotionally harassed/toyed with to output to her idea of perfection -- or find someone who did this to others and will most likely weasel their way into doing it again -- I recommend none other than jandjsalmon, the gal who runs theblueandgoldoffice - a handy fic-finding website.

I made a prior post about my personal experience but apparently not everyone knew it was her because I didn’t name her specifically. Hopefully, this is the last post I’ll ever make about her. A lot of wonderful people reached out with similar experiences or sympathy but I’ve also seen some continue to interact with her or rec her as someone to follow. Now, I’m putting it in the tags. Her name is out there. If I see her on rec lists, at least I know the info is out there that she abused me and others and whoever posted didn’t want to deal with having to deal with her bullshit of her harassing them or they think I’m a liar. I have nothing to lose in this fandom or to gain by outing her. I’m doing it because I don’t want her to be introduced to new waves of authors/readers/people will trust her without protecting themselves or doing something to protect others. Unfortunately, me and the victims I talked to did not feel comfortable sharing how much she hurt us with each other until she’d done a fair amount of damage, and we were all trying to make it work with her until we hit a breaking point.

As a reminder... this is just a potential scenario based on past experience.

If you do become mutuals, and she thinks you have an ounce of fandom fame or MIGHT post things she likes if she bugs you enough, she might make you aesthetics, reblog, comment, buddy up to your friends to get closer to you, find out and exploit your insecurities or mental illness, notably withdraw support to prove a point if you like something she doesn’t or even show love for another person who doesn’t love her, keep records of your convos, show them to other people, vague post about you (sometimes even going so far as to message you without you even asking to make sure you know ‘oh it wasn’t about you’ to rub salt in that wound), let her husband talk shit about and to you even when on good terms with her, and try to get involved in your personal life to be your (only) best friend and support system... only to tell you you are nothing without her, people rely on her for recs and she can turn the tides on fandom favorites, you should not write original works because original romance is “disgusting” YA is “immature” and no one likes your work and your mind is too fucked up to be productive without her. No one will love you or have time for you like her.

She will insist you include scenes even if you don’t want them there, then try to claim she helped write your fic in the comments of it when all she did was tell you to add something you already wrote and deleted back in, though she did comment on the doc and talk through your million ideas and pick her favorite OF YOUR OWN IDEAS and help with grammar. She will also tell you at least one of your fics is disgusting and berate you to the point of not wanting to post it, especially if it shows Betty even slightly interested in someone besides Jughead at some point in her life, claiming “that’s not her!” but OOC or Jughead with past/current partners is no problem... and she will be very apologetic to have to tell you and make you feel bad, but brag in DMs of her friends that she “made you change your mind” and “taught you how to think” if you eventually cave and adjust something. Conversations become drags where you agree with what she says just to avoid confrontations and meltdowns sometimes.

If you talk to her and try to rebuild your friendship or set boundaries, she will either lash out or apologize and be good for a few days until she can find a reason to turn on you again. When you distance yourself for protection or make new friends, she will harass you in DMs asking why you unfollowed (even if it’s a tumblr glitch) or followed so and so, why you did or didn’t like something, tell you how awful everyone except her is, and try to get you to talk shit about your own friends when you know she’s talking shit about you, too.

Oh and if you compliment her on something you’re considered good at that she’s insecure about (prompted or unprompted), be prepared to be called a fake liar and a judgmental bitch in general for having an opinion -- yes, even if it’s positive, so imagine how fun it was to disagree on something neither of us even made.

She is not a neutral party when it comes to abuse and harassments either. Despite being very anti-cheating, she stoutly defends the Sprouse brothers despite multiple women and outlets coming forward claiming they cheated on or abused their partners, claiming the sources are “crazy” or “jealous” or “unprofessional.” I have some pretty ironic in retrospect screenshots someone sent me of some of her rants but I won’t post them publicly here. What Jandy told me of her former victims was that they blocked her for no reason. She was nothing but supportive of them and they got too big for their britches and had other friends and abandoned her. I’m sure she says similar if not worse things about me for calling her out and cutting her off.

So yeah, it will be uncomfortable to unfollow, ghost, and/or block her. It might even be inconvenient because of the service she provides to this fandom. But please keep in mind that even the slight fear/dread of her shadow-banning or harassing you is a sign that she’s affected you, too.

If you really miss that one extra comment per chapter, hit me up. I’ve got a lot going on but I’ll make an exception for people who need that extra support as long as I can. For additional support, please see local and online organizations to talk to a professional or volunteer trained to help with emotional abuse, toxicity, depressive, or anxious thoughts like therealdepressionproject. Good luck and have a wonderful day.

I’m Not Gonna Teach Him How to Dance With You

Chapter 1: You are the Girl that I’ve Been Dreaming of Ever Since I was a Little Girl

Raya has literally never been in a more awkward situation than the one she is forced to take part of right now. And considering the fact that Sisu stranded her and Namaari on deserted island to force them to talk about their feelings a couple months ago, that’s saying a lot. 

See, all five chiefs from the different lands along with their spouses and children have agreed to come to this blue moon festival Heart hosts annually. This will be the first one they will be able to celebrate in six years so everyone figured it would be the perfect time to focus more on rebuilding Kumandra. They had the basics down, sure, but to the five lands the basics just consisted of no one actively trying to kill each other. Raya is kind of hoping for everyone to be actually helping. 

“You want to fake some kind of illness so that we can get out of this place early?” Raya quietly asked Namaari.

“Oh, you have no idea. Which one of us getting sick, you or me?” Namaari mumbled. Raya hummed in thought before deciding. 

“I’m thinking I should. Ba has been worried about me these past couple days because I’ve been looking tired lately, I can totally spin that to make me look sick. Then you can offer to escort me to the healers and I say we’re home free,” Raya grinned. Namaari flashed her a striking smile and held out a hand for her to shake.

“Sounds like a deal, princess,” the Fang warrior whispered as Raya took her hand to shake. Raya felt her heart skip a beat at the nickname, which felt so much more personal coming from Namaari’s mouth.

Raya’s attention was redirected when one the chief’s sons approached the two women. He was wearing Tail’s colors and had a rather confident, almost cocky aura about him. He’s tall, had lean muscles, and shimmering eyes. The prince had his hair tossed into a pristine bun and Raya doesn’t understand how it’s physically possible for his hair to be that shiny. Admittedly, the guy was conventionally attractive but who the hell would look at that kid when Namaari is right here? Wait....

Eh, it’s best if Raya buries that in her memory until she’s mentally prepared to deal with the consequences from that situation. 

“Princess Raya, I’m Prince Danh of Tail. It’s an honor to meet such an extraordinary woman such as yourself,” he told Raya, bowing respectfully with the gem symbol in front of him. “Oh, and it is a pleasure to see you again as well, Princess Namaari,” he said as more of an after thought.

Huh, so he’s a kiss up. How annoying. Well, Raya needs to be diplomatic.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Prince Danh. I’m incredibly grateful for your presence today. If we continue to get along like this, Kumandra will be within our grasp in no time,” Raya smiled. 

“Yes, absolutely! I, um, look forward to working with you,” the prince mumbled with bright red cheeks. That’s odd, he seemed to lose a lot of his confidence when Raya smiled at him. Oh toi, why does he look like he’s about to be sick?

“Are you feeling alright? Your face has gotten rather, ah, flushed,” Raya chuckled, hoping to be at least somewhat comforting. Just because the guy’s a kiss up doesn’t mean that Raya wants him to be ill. She kind of needs the prince to be in perfect health if they were going to make some solid peace treaties.

“Oh, yeah I’m okay! Just got really hot in here, don’t you think? Well, I’ll just go and sit with my father,” the prince rushed out before stumbling away from the princesses to his chair at the table. 

“Yeesh, what’s his deal?” Raya mumbled, looking over at Namaari. The moment the Heart princess glanced at her former rival, she knew something was off.

Namaari was glaring at the prince like he just kicked a serlot kitten. Her hands were on her hips which was one of her biggest tells that she’s annoyed with something and she had a deep scowl on her face that Raya hadn’t seen in months. Is it possible that those two had bad blood at some point and it never got resolved? Why is her friend looking at this boy with the utmost disdain?

“Namaari? Are you okay?” Raya asked in concern. The Fang princess seemed to snap out of whatever pissed off haze she was in and grit her teeth.

“Oh yeah. I’m fine. Great, even Why do you ask?” the Fang warrior growled, looking incredibly unamused. 

“It’s just, you kind of look, I don’t know, slightly murderous?” Raya pointed out. Namaari huffed and looked away.

“I do not look murderous,” the taller woman argued while stubbornly avoiding the Heart woman’s gaze.

“Oh toi, you totally do,” Raya giggled as she grabbed Namaari’s face and angled her chin so that she’s forced to make eye contact. The Fang princess furrowed her brows and closed her eyes.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, binturi,” Namaari scoffed, trying to turn her head away from Raya.

“You’re such a liar, dep la,” the Heart princess laughed. The Fang warrior simply rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

“I am not a liar, dep la, there’s just nothing to say,” Namaari scoffed after she pulled Raya’s hands away from her face. The Heart woman sighed and shook her head.

“That’s a load of shit, first of all, I know you better than that. But if you don’t want to say anything about whatever it is that’s going on, I won’t force you okay? Just know that you can talk to me if something’s wrong,” Raya told her. This seemed to be the right thing to say because Namaari smiled brightly and nodded her understanding.

“Thanks, I appreciate that. But I’ll have you know I have absolutely nothing to hide,” Namaari said pointedly causing Raya to snort.

“Whatever you got to tell yourself, cat lady,” the Heart woman smirked, enjoying the irritated look in her friend’s eyes.

“Okay seriously when are you going to let that go-,” Namaari snapped only to get cut off by none other the Chief of Heart himself. 

“Well, now that everyone’s here, why don’t we get this meeting started!” Benja exclaimed enthusiastically. 

“Smite me,” Raya quietly groaned, taking her seat at her father’s side. She heard Namaari mumble her agreement as she sat next to her mother. 

“First things first, we need to focus on the needs of our people. The Druun have left a devastating impact on all of us and it is going to take everyone’s cooperation to rebuild what has been destroyed,” Benja declared. 

“How exactly can you expect us to do that, Chief Benja? I think I speak for the other chiefs when I say I want nothing to do with any of the other lands, especially Fang,” the Spine Chief scowled. 

Raya frowned upon seeing both Fang chief and princess cower in on themselves, almost as if they’re trying to become smaller. She hates it. She hates seeing Namaari try to become invisible.

“He’s right! Let’s be honest for a moment, these past six years wouldn’t have happened if those binturis didn’t try to steal the dragon gem!” the Talon Chief yelled, slamming his fist on the table. 

Okay, this is getting old. And extremely irritating. Plus, seeing how vulnerable the Fang princess looks right now makes Raya have the urge to defend her newly found girlfriend. The Heart princess channeled every part of her inner peace and spoke her mind in the most diplomatic way she could.

“I understand everyone’s concerns with the reformation of Kumandra. As someone who has been wandering the lands for six years, I’ve seen firsthand how much there is left to fix. But we’re not going to do that if we focus on trying to find sometime to blame instead of creating actual solution. All of the other lands were trying to steal that gem piece. If it wasn’t Fang it would have been someone else. And honestly, Heart should have reached out years ago. Not one person is to blame for what’s happened. The people that actually started this mess are dead gone. It’s unfortunate that we have to clean up our ancestors mistakes, but it’s the only way we’re going to make any type of progress,” Raya declared. 

The Heart princess glanced to her left to see both Virana and Namaari look at her with gratitude in their eyes. Raya’s face felt rather flush when she noticed Namaari continuing to stare at her even as she took a long glass of water. Maybe whatever the Tail prince had was contagious. The young woman then glanced to her right and was relieved to see the slight nod of approval from her ba as he thankfully took the reigns of the conversation. 

“My daughter is correct. We have been forced into an impossible situation and we must do the best we can with what we have. I am more than open for suggestions,” he said, scanning the room for anyone to give their input.

“I’ve already had a discussion with your elders and we have come to a wonderful conclusion,” the Tail Cheif happily told them, speaking up for the first time the entire meeting.

“Well I’d love to hear what you have to say,” Benja grinned. 

“We wish to arrange a marriage between Princess Raya of Heart and my son, Prince Danh of Tail,” Chief Huy explained. 

Raya grinned and giggled a bit. Her giggles escalated to chuckles. Chuckles turned into full blown laughter. Laughter that actually hurt her stomach because of how intense it was. Seriously? An arranged marriage? In this economy? Insanity!

“Ah, man! I didn’t know you were so funny, Chief Huy!” Raya giggled, only to realize that she’s the only one laughing. Her smile slowly faded as the room turned eerily quiet. “Uh, why is no one laughing at this hilarious moment here? That is a joke, isn’t it?”

Painful silence was her only answer as a sickening feeling grew in her throat. There’s no way. There is no way this is happening right now. Those crooked old people want her to get married to some guy she doesn’t even know? The hell kind of poorly written tragedy is this?!

“No, Princess Raya, it is not a joke. I understand why you may be a little apprehensive to the idea right now but I can assure you there are many benefits that could arise from this-” the Tail Chief was cut off by a powerful voice that Raya had not heard in years.

“Absolutely not,” her ba snapped. Oh dear, this was not going to end well. He had the look. The look of a pissed off Chief of Heart. 

“Chief Benja, all I’m asking is for you to hear me out,” Chief Huy said only to receive a glare so sharp it could cut any one in that room in half.

“Where was that attitude when I tried to do this seven years ago, Chief? Huh? Tell me, I would love to know,” Benja spat with nothing but pure venom in his voice. Then, like a fool, the Chief tried to continue to speak up.

“Chief Benja, with all due respect, you’ve been out of commission for quite some time now. I’m not entirely sure if you’re the best man to offer judgement. Besides, this is such a simple plan compared to all the others. Why bother with jumping through all of those hoops to try and finding some cooperation when the answer to our problems is right here?” the Chief said with way more nonchalance than the Heart princess liked. 

It was as if Raya was frozen. Nothing could have prepared her for this moment. Good thing her ba was still acting like a functioning person or this ordeal would be a lot worse.  

“Have you not heard me the first time, Chief Huy? Well allow me to reiterate. I will not be subjecting my child into an arranged marriage simply because you are not willing to actually work to find a solution. You will not use my daughter as an easy way out of your problems. I want nothing more than for us to reunite as Kumandra, make no mistake of that. However, I will not be doing so at the expense of Raya’s entire future. Because we could not find common ground during our first attempt of peace, my only child had to have six years of her life stolen from her. I am not going to let anyone take anymore of her time,” Benja firmly stated. 

Raya is honestly surprised at this reaction. She thought her ba would have been all for her getting married, especially if it’s in the name of Kumandra. But she’s thankful. She is so very thankful because she honestly thinks if she tries to speak she’ll throw up. 

“I’m not sure that’s very fair of you to say, Chief-” the Tail Chief began but got cut off by Benja’s chair screeching from the sudden movement.

“Do not say another word, Chief Huy. This is one matter no one will sway me on. It’s best if we end the this meeting here for today. Unfortunately, I am not feeling very peaceful at the moment. We’ll reschedule for the day after the blue moon festival, which should give us plenty of time to think of an actual solution. Please, do enjoy your stay in the palace,” Benja snapped. The Chief of Heart quickly left the room that became so quiet you could hear a pin drop. 

Raya groaned and face planted her head on the table. She really shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning. 

********************************

“Can you believe that shit, Maari? An arranged marriage? With him? What are these people thinking?!” Raya screeched.

Now that the Heart woman has had time to process the situation at hand, she’s enraged and rightfully so. Now it was time for her to vent to the Fang princess in hopes of finding a solution. 

“I don’t get it either, dep la. I’m shocked they would even suggest it,” Namaari told her honestly. Arranged marriages are not uncommon, especially for people of their status. Raya knew that. Even so, she was completely caught off guard for the proposal the Chief offered them. 

“I mean, are they deranged? I have barely reintegrated myself back into society and they’re trying to thrust me into marrying someone I’ve met for approximately three minutes?! Make it make sense, damn it!” Raya yelled, kicking a rock in her rage. 

“I completely agree with you, Raya. It’s unreasonable, rushed, and all around rather stupid,” Namaari sighed. 

“Damn right it’s unreasonable! Ugh, I thought banishing the Druun was the hard part,” the shorter woman whined. 

“I get it. Somehow, it was easier to solve all our problems when we could punch them in the face,” Namaari agreed.

Raya nodded weakly and they just stopped talking for a small period of time. Then the two girls sat in the empty courtyard in comfortable silence for a couple minutes before the Heart princess tried to figure out the next best thing to say. 

“Do you think I should go through the marriage? I’m not asking as a friend, I’m asking from a political standpoint,” she asked her after some time. The Fang warrior’s eyes widened at Raya’s consideration.

“Raya, why are you even asking at all?” Namaari inquired. The Heart Princess frowned and bit her lip in thought.

“It’s just that my ba has wanted peace for so long and we’re so close to finally making his dream a reality. I don’t want to do anything to disappoint him. Plus I’m just so tired of everyone constantly acting so hostile towards each other. I just want the bad part to be over already,” Raya moped. “That’s why I asked. I figured if an arranged marriage will help, why not just do it?”

Raya knew how hard everyone has been working towards Kumandra and she’d feel terrible if the only reason why they can’t make amends is because she’s denying a marriage. She wants her ba to be happy and for her land to finally be at peace, so if this is what it took then could it really be so bad?

“Well, politically it would make everyone’s life a whole easier. But usually the easy path isn’t the best one to take. Besides, we just started the peace summit. No one’s even attempted to look for any other answers. We can find a way to be Kumandra without forcing you into marrying some prince from another land, okay?” Namaari told her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. Raya sighed in relief at the confirmation that marriage isn’t the way to go right now. She still struggled with politics, so Raya was thankful to have Namaari in her corner right now.

“Yeah, okay. I guess you’re right. First time for everything I suppose,” the Heart princess grinned. 

“Wow, and here I thought we were progressing in our friendship,” Namaari gasped in mock offense. Raya laughed and leaned forward to give her friend a hug. 

“Thanks, Namaari. I really needed to hear that,” Raya sighed. The Heart princess smiled as she felt the Fang warrior wrap her arms around Raya’s waist tightly. 

“No problem. Besides, I honestly think you would disappoint your ba more if you agreed to an arranged marriage. I didn’t know he was capable of getting so mad,” Namaari joked.

“Ah, yeah. That reminds me, I need to go find him. When he’s that angry, shit goes down, Maari. I know everyone outside of Heart sees him as some calm and pacifist old man, which he totally is for the most part, but my ba has fire. Believe me when I say he’s where I get my anger from,” Raya laughed. 

“Want me to come with you?” the Fang woman asked.

“No, that’s alright. I’m usually the only that can calm him down from things like this,” Raya sighed, getting ready to venture out to find the old man. 

“Oh, before you leave I just wanted to say thank you. For uh, defending Fang back in the meeting. You didn’t have to and it meant a lot to me. Just thought you should know,” Namaari mumbled, looking more and more insecure with each word she spoke. 

“I meant every word I said. Really, we can’t pin the blame on one person no matter how much easier it would be. I only blamed you for so long because I needed someone to be angry at that wasn’t myself. The guilt would have crushed me if I let it. But it’s not true and you didn’t deserve to be my punching bag for that,” Raya sighed.

“I know. Logically, I do. Still feels like I caused the world to end somehow. I’m getting over it, it’s just a bit difficult to remember sometimes,” Namaari, shrugged. 

“Though to be fair, I totally deserved to be your punching bag back then. I was kind of terrible,” the Fang princess said as an afterthought. When the Heart woman really thought about it, Namaari was right. 

“You know what, you absolutely did deserve to be my punching bag. Ugh, remember when we were sixteen and you threw me so hard I knocked over three food stands,” Raya groaned, practically reliving the pain from her memory. She had bruises from that incident for weeks. Months even. 

“Are you kidding? Of course I remember! In fact, that’s one of my fondest memories of us,” Namaari grinned, dodging the hand Raya raised to smack her. 

“Whatever, Princess Undercut. I seriously need to find my ba. Better do it now before someone gets their ass kicked. Heaven knows no one wants to deal with a repeat of the Throne Room Incident nine years ago. I’m pretty sure that guy still can’t walk properly,” Raya mumbled, walking off to find her ba. 

“Raya? What do you mean “that guy still can’t walk properly”? You can’t just drop a bomb like that and walk away!” Namaari called after her.

Raya laughed loudly and continued on with her task. Time to stop her ba from going completely ballistic! Ah, she is so glad he’s back!

********************************

While the Heart princess was trying to find the great Chief of Heart, she accidentally ran right into none other than the Prince of Tail himself. Before she could even attempt opening her mouth, Danh was already using his vocal cords.

“Princess Raya! Please forgive my father for his bold and completely inappropriate statements earlier today. I can assure you I had no idea that he was going to propose such an idea,” Danh rushed out. Raya smiled kindly and shook her head.

“No worries, Prince Danh. It’s not like you’re in control of your father. Besides, I’m sure he was just trying to do what’s best for his land and you. Parents tend to do that,” Raya giggled. 

She truly didn’t really mind this guy, even if his father was a bit questionable. After all, Raya is sure that Danh wants to be married to her about as much as she wants to be married with him. 

“That’s true. Still, I really am sorry about everything that happened back there. You must have been very uncomfortable and I apologize for that,” he frowned, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Hey, again, I doubt it was your fault. I’m not mad at you or anything so there’s no reason to be so freaked out about it, I promise,” Raya assured him. The poor boy still did not look convinced. 

“Really? Because Chief Benja literally needed to leave a peace summit early because of it,” Prince Danh spoke with worry in his tone.

“Right. That. He’s just an overprotective ba, it’s nothing for you to concern yourself with,” Raya casually said. 

It’s true. her ba isn’t one to take out his anger on innocent kids. The Tail Chief, on the other hand...should probably sleep with one eye open during his stay in Heart. 

“I see. In that case, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other better,” Prince Danh smiled brightly. 

He did make a point. It’s smart to learn about the people you’re going to be working with for an indefinite amount of time. Still, she’s kind of on a time crunch right now. 

“That’s true, it’ll be nice to talk to you. However, that time can’t be now. I really need to find my ba,” the Heart princess told him. 

“That’s totally fine! I just have one question I’m a bit curious about. What do you like to do for fun? Uh, that doesn’t involve fighting,” he chuckled, staring at her with an odd intensity in his eyes.

Now that he mentions it, Raya doesn’t really know. She never had the time for hobbies on the run for six years. Plus, anything she enjoyed from her youth has changed drastically. Well, there actually is one thing that she’s always loved to do. 

“Oh! I like dancing. It’s a little of strange, but I always thought it was kind of fun. I can’t dance well, in fact I’m actually terrible, but hey it makes me laugh so that has to count for something, right?” Raya grinned. 

“That’s wonderful. Do you enjoy any kind of dancing that involves a partner?” he asked curiously. Raya shrugged and shook her head.

“I’m not really sure, if I’m being honest. Never really had a partner to dance with. I guess that’s to be determined,” the Heart princess told him idly. 

“Oh, well that’s great! I’ll see you later, Princess Raya!” he yelled excitedly and zipped off to who knows where.

The young woman rose a a questioning eyebrow at his odd display of enthusiasm. After a couple of seconds of just standing there in utter confusion, Raya shrugged and continued the search to find her ba. She’s not going to waste her energy trying to uncover the mysteries of the male brain, it would just give her a headache.

********************************

Raya finally located her ba sitting at the edge of one of the rivers that led out into the ocean. The Heart princess remembers this being one of the first rivers she searched when she was on the hunt for Sisu. The young woman cleared her throat and watched the Chief of Heart turn his head slowly to look at her.

His eyes immediately softened seeing it was only her and gestured for her to sit down next time. The young woman did so immediatly.

“How are you feeling, ba?” Raya asked quietly in an attempt to not disturb the peaceful atmosphere.

“I should be asking you that, Dewdrop. You’re the one that’s got the elders trying to dictate your future. I really thought they would be more lenient given the circumstances,” Benja sighed and softly shook his head.

“I’m sure you’re expecting me to ask this question so I’m just going to outright say it, why did you act that way during the meeting? I’m shocked you would go against it,” Raya stated with great confusion. 

“Have I ever told you the story of how you mother and I got married?” her ba asked out of literally nowhere. But Raya assumed that this was important so she went with it.

“No, I don’t think you have,” Raya told him. 

Her ma passed away when she was the mere age of five. Though the Heart princess had few memories of her, she knew how much her ma loved her. Raya noticed rather early on how sad Benja would get when someone mentioned her mother so she made a point to ask about her as little as possible. 

“Well, I know I have told you that both of my parents passed when I was fifteen. I was a child chief. I had no business trying to lead anyone if I’m being totally honest. So, the very moment I turned eighteen the elders set me up to marry one of princess from the other lands,” Benja sighed. Raya’s eyes widened at his words.

“Wait seriously? Who did they try to get you to marry?” Raya asked curiously. There was an amused twinkle in his eyes as the Heart princess gaped at his next works.

“They wanted to me to marry Chief Virana,” Benja laughed.

“I’m literally so thankful that didn’t happen,” Raya mumbled, only causing him to laugh harder.

“Oh yes, I ran away on the wedding day. She was probably the only one who was qw happy as I was to not see me waiting at the end of the altar. Oh, the elders were furious at me. They tried marrying me off to three other princesses, one from each land, and even a noble woman from Heart. I ran from every single wedding,” Benja recalled with a far off look in his eyes. 

“Wait, do you think that’s why the old Tail Chief was giving you major attitude at the first peace attempt? Because you ran away from her wedding?” Raya asked with great amusement. 

“Oh, I know that’s why she was giving me attitude. Poor girl actually fell in love with me and was devastated when I left her at the altar,” Benja frowned.

“Yikes, that’s brutal. But I could tell something was personal between you two because damn she looked like she wanted to throttle you the entire time,” Raya mumbled. 

“Yeah, she definitely wanted me dead. It’s fine though. She’s not even alive so I don’t think we should dwell on it. Now then, the reason why I’m telling you this is because I had to run from five arranged marriages before the elders finally let me be with the one I loved, your mother. I do not wish to see you fight that fight. You’ve been fighting long enough, Raya,” her ba told her.

“That being said, I do want you to know that it really has nothing to do with Tail prince personally. I’m sure he’s a great man, I just don’t want you to be with him by force. If you were ever so hoplesslbesly in love with him, I would be all for it,” Benja continued. Raya smiled and nodded.

“Thanks, ba. I appreciate it,” Raya grinned.

“Of course! That being said, I want you to know I would never judge you no matter who you loved. You could love a man! Or a woman. Women are lovely as well,” her ba told her, patting her on the shoulder. 

“Oh, um that’s great?” Raya asked more than said. Her nonexistent love life is a bit of a weird topic for her so now she’s a bit flustered.

“Yep. I also don’t think it matters what land they’re from. They can be from here in Heart, Tail, Talon, or Spine. Hell, they can even be from Fang! I won’t mind one bit,” her ba said, enunciating the word Fang.

“Uh, I’m glad that you’re so supportive of me?” Raya once again made her words a question more than a statement. It appeared that her ba was trying to get some sort of point across.

“You know, I don’t judge people’s pasts either. They could have made a horrible, earth shattering mistake. But as long as they’ve worked hard to be a better person and make it up to you, that’s what matters to me!” Benja said, in a seriously weird way. Raya is just too tired to keep up with this man.

“Okay, so I feel like you’re trying to imply something based on the tone of your voice, but I genuinely can not figure it out,” Raya told him honestly. Her ba looked a bit shocked but then sighed and wrapped an arm her shoulders, allowing Raya to rest her head on his chest.

“Don’t worry, I have confidence that you’ll fit the connect the dots soon enough. In the meantime, we need make final preparations for the festival. No matter what happens, it’ll certainly be a night to remember,” her ba laughed, guiding the young woman back the throne room.

The Heart princess was going to respond but sneezed out of nowhere. Raya doesn’t really believe in superstitions, but she always thought it was funny when she sneezed because it would mean someone’s talking about her.

Now she wants to know who’s talking shit. 

Eh, it’s probably not important anyways. 

********************************

“Princess Namaari? Would it be alright if I spoke with you privately?” the Tail prince asked. 

Oh, joy. Him. 

Part of Namaari feels bad for resenting Prince Danh so much, but she physically can not help it. If the circumstances were different, she probably wouldn’t despise the man with fibre of her being. Unfortunately, this is the guy that could be married to Raya. 

Yeah, Namaari doesn’t like that. At all.

She’s known from the moment they met at twelve years old that she had more than friendly, or enemy-like, feelings for Raya. The Fang warrior had thought it was just a phase at the time and buried it deep, deep, deep down to the point where she genuinely forgot she ever had those feelings in the first place. 

When the Heart princess started collecting the gem pieces, those emotions within her began to slowly resurface until it crashed onto her entire being the moment Raya had turned to stone. The worst minutes of Namaari’s life was living in a world without Raya in it. 

Having that kind of realization really messed the Fang princess up in the head so she needed time to herself, accidentally pushed everyone away in the process. That’s what cause Sisu’s intervention. While Namaari didn’t mention the romantic feelings bit, she was still able to have a much needed conversation with the Heart princess that made her feel lighter than before. Ever since that trip to the island Sisu literally dragged them on, the feelings have only grown for the Heart woman. 

That’s why it was a really hard pill to swallow when a marriage involving Raya was brought up. Specifically, a marriage that had nothing to do with Namaari.  The Fang princess inhaled in a deep, slow, calming breathe before responding to him. 

“Is there something you need from me, Prince Danh?” Namaari asked in a way that is hopefully not passive aggressive. 

“Alright, well, I’ll admit it’s rather embarrassing and a bit strange so I would like you to hear me out on it. It’s just that, I’ve never met anyone like her and she’s just so wonderful and I know you must think I’m just saying this because my father suggested that marriage an-” the prince’s ramblings were cut off by Namaari’s voice cutting him off. She had a terrible feeling of where this was going. 

“What exactly are you talking about?” the Fang warrior asked in mild concern. The boy seemed to be searching for the right words before suddenly regaining the confidence he lost a few seconds ago. 

“My feelings for Princess Raya, of course. Even though I’ve only known her for a short time, I know in my heart we’re meant to be together. I can feel it. And as her best friend, I figured you would be the best person to ask for if I wanted to court her,” he explained.

Is he stupid? Has he been eating right? Is he just a genuine lunatic?

Anyone with eyes can see Namaari is in love Raya. She doesn’t exactly try to hide it. The Fang princess thought only Raya herself would be blind enough to not see the signs but once again, the universe has proved her wrong. Alas, she must remain cordial. 

“And how do you think I’ll solve this problem?” Namaari nearly growled. 

Maybe she shouldn’t have picked up that tone with another future chief but she honestly thinks it’s fine. After all, this guy just thinks her and Raya are gal pals so why not get a bit aggressive. Prince Danh is just going to take it as Namaari being protective over her best friend.

Hell, this is aggravating. 

“Well, I figured that since Raya loves dancing, you could help me dance with her,” Prince Danh with a hopeful tone in his voice. 

It took Namaari several seconds to process this information. She was so caught off guard that she could only blurt five simple words. 

“......you want me to WHAT-”

Taglist: @faithfulwarrior-og @isitbussinjanelle @ratld-sideblog @tigerlillyruiz @anywhere-but-here-plz

Ghost Valley is not for evil people

I had a lot of thoughts about episode 10 and wanted to share them. I have seen episodes 11-18 on Youku, but I don’t know Mandarin, so I was mostly admiring pretty people, lol. I also haven’t read the novel.

I’m fascinated by Ghost Valley because of the possibilities it brings to lost, fractured people. There are a lot of villains at Ghost Valley- there’s an abuser, a cannibal, and a man that likes to carve up his victim’s faces. 

During this scene with Wen Kexing and his subordinates, my attention was taken by Tragicomic Ghost and her quietly defiant, prideful stance. And a question struck me- what does Ghost Valley represent for women? 

During this time period, and in many parts of the world today, there aren’t shelters or centers or places where a woman in distress could go to and get help. If her father, her clan, or her husband wasn’t strong enough, or willing, to help her, then she had no place. What would happen to women who were abused, pushed out, mentally ill, or simply in the wrong place at the wrong time? A good number of them end up on the streets, facing more abuse and mistreatment. Some might end up in a place like Ghost Valley because there are no other options.

Tragicomic Ghost punishes the unfaithful because the women suffer the most at the hands of their faithless lovers. It’s probably what happened to her before she came to Ghost Valley.

Gu Xiang shows that she lacks experience in the world but is an excellent killer (implied) and fighter. She doesn’t act like other girls, doesn’t know how, as Wen Kexing repeatedly reminds her and the viewers, so that leads us to wonder about her background as well. Where did she come from that she ended up in Ghost Valley? What abuse did she undergo as a child?

I don’t know much about the following ghost, a subordinate of Tragicomic Ghost, but she seems to have a similarly dark past. I believe her name is Beauty Ghost.

A few episodes ago (episode 4), A-Xiang reprimands Lovelace Ghost for stealing women.. again. She says that Aunt Luo asked him not to do that and would physically hurt him if she heard of him kidnapping girls. I’m not exactly sure which one is Aunt Luo at this point, but it’s either Tragicomic Ghost or Beauty Ghost.  

This means that the women at Ghost Valley are protecting and looking out for each other. Tragicomic Ghost seems to be acting as type of second-in-command or working with Wen Kexing in order to protect the women in Ghost Valley. It could explain why he’s so lenient with her because he knows that he needs her to look out for their most vulnerable population, the women.

The two girls that A-Xiang rescues are perfect examples of how rejected women fare in society: they’re seen as property and playthings. In their own words, they were sold around like “puppies” their whole lives. In Ghost Valley, they have a job and a purpose that is beyond servicing others with their bodies or looks. They show this new agency over their lives when they make the decision to fight for the chance to stay in Ghost Valley with A-Xiang.

Yes, Ghost Valley is a home for criminals and evil people, but it’s also a home for the lost, the disenfranchised, and the unlucky souls who find their place in society lost for reasons out of their control. It’s a place where a woman can have power and control over her own life. Wen Kexing is not just the Ghost Master, he’s providing a haven for desperate women in need. Crazy, huh?

THIS CONTAINS SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR NEVER HAVE I EVER S2 READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is quite long I had a lot to unpack.

Since watching the 2nd season of Never Have I Ever a few things have been bothering me about the way people are reacting to Devi, and the show overall but mostly Devi. First of all she’s what a sophomore in high school? and she’s doing this all while being the only brown girl (up until kinda the middle of S2) and still dealing with grief and having absolutely no idea who she is yet. To me outside of being an honor roll student she is not doing things FOR HER she is doing this to appease her mother. Who while she means well pushing Devi to succeed to certain extremes which if Devi shows the slightest behavior of fucking up her mother makes harsh comments instead of understanding Devi is a literal teenager and needs room for fucking up.

Is Devi hella unreasonable at times? YES does she often times act strictly on impulse without a second thought…YES. But as a girl who virtually has no one outside of her friends who also are staring to drift from her and get into their first relationships themselves and have their own activities she essentially is left to navigate the world and her teenage angst alone. While I will give Nalini credit for all the work and time she has put in to not only being a single mother and navigating her own grief but also being a working mother who is a doctor and quite possibly has her own struggles with being a brown women in that filed. My problem lies with her not being able to balance or even let go of a strong arm parenting style that mostly focuses on Devi’s fuck up more than her accomplishments and makes comments on how her fuck ups that haven’t even happened yet. I’m not sure Nalini even realizes Devi is at the very very top of her class because I truly believe (after S1) even though Nalini apologized to Devi Nalini has a ‘hoping for the best but expecting the worst’ attitude when it comes to Devi and that’s in the for front of her mind so much she doesn’t realize Devi goes above and beyond not only for herself but to make her mother proud of her all for her mother to just not acknowledge that.

Now with Devi’s characterization I get where some people are coming from on saying Devi shouldn’t have been “boy crazy” or that they “ruined her character development” but here’s my problem those critiques while valid and your allowed to have those opinions…It’s just not really realistic and let me tell you why like I stated Devi is what a sophomore in high school and she has made it a abundantly clear her parents forbid her to date cause it’s school and extra curriculars only. Which will lead to a good college which thus will turn into a good career. While that’s all well and good. I don’t think y’all realize the FOMO of being in high school and growing up with very strict parents, and wanting to have your first relationship. Wanting to be an actual teenager and not wanting to think about 3-4 years down the line which most teenagers don’t/can’t visualize cause it’s not the right now. Devi wants to have those experiences and there’s nothing wrong with that does she go about it the right way…not exactly but y’all act like YOU have never been a teenager and said and done awful things out of anger or just pure immature stupidity. For the boy crazy part Devi is literally having her first feelings and experiences with boys she has 0 clue what she is doing outside of probably books, tv, movies and what her friends assume they know (even though they mean well) the only person Devi would remotely trusts is gone, and she can’t ask her mother cause her mother would honestly probably shut her down and make her feel guilty for even wanting to start having her first experiences with boys. Y’all have such a warped view of not only real teenagers and high school aged kids but also fictional ones. Y’all are so use to shows having protagonist being awful or starting off kinda okay but then their character turns awful and remains that way. What some of you fail to realize is actual teenagers and “teenagers” in shows can/are VERY morally grey. 

Should Devi have been honest and possibly communicated to both Ben and Paxton that she has some sort of feelings for them both..possibly but Devi is a teenager do you think she is having a in depth analysis and talk with herself (outside of a pros and cons list) about what infatuation versus lust versus genuine connection versus romantic attraction looks like probably not. Let’s also analyze how she literally goes from being in her eyes forgettable to being noticed and even though it’s not talked about in the show explicitly she honestly probably struggles with self esteem/self image issues. To go from being a girl who to her no one cares about/notices to one who is getting the attention of two boys who are in Devi’s eyes attractive in their own right. She is so consumed with two guys ACTUALLY being interested in her that she fails to realize she is/and will hurt them both, Do I think Paxton is genuinely attracted to Devi…maybe. But I’m still on the fence about their relationship to me in the beginning I felt Paxton felt Devi is just another meaningless high school fling that he will forget about once he gets to college but to Devi here’s this guy who is “popular” very attractive and he pays attention to her is she looking at the semantics of the situation and how Paxton is more than likely just using her and is only engaging with Devi to get a passing grade and to basically give her the superficial experience of a “high school boyfriend” no she’s not she’s looking at it like here’s this guy who is attractive and he wants to be with someone like me. But do I also believe Devi in S1 was using Paxton and then fell for him DEFINITELY but I will give credit to Paxton for trying at a real relationship with Devi and I hope he will try to be more open and honest.

Do I think Ben likes Devi I honestly do, While the insensitive jokes (exchanged between both) should be discussed I think Ben over time started to see Devi as a girl who finally saw him not the rich, annoying, know it all. But in his view Devi and him are on equal playing fields because they are both overly driven smart individuals and when she said yes to going out with him it was probably the first time he felt like a girl saw the real him. While Ben too more than likely struggles with abandonment issues him dating Devi in a way made him feel like this was the first time he could actual be happy about something cause it was something he actually wanted and not something he just did to earn points in others books and impress people he genuinely got something on his own and that he was actually happy not a front he put on. To me Ben’s abandonment issues come out even more than in S1 when he tells Devi why he’s so hurt and it’s the night of the party when she runs after Paxton (who he sees has it all) and Devi doesn’t “choose him” Do I think Ben and Devi should date cause they share some form of the same trauma no. But again Devi is not use and doesn’t even know what to do with the attention of two people. Again is Devi looking at the semantics of her relationship with Ben…No. I don’t think Devi even realizes she’s quite literally hurting two people cause we could also discuss how Ben and Paxton probably have had other flings and relationships without a second thought while Devi having no relationship experiences and this is territory for her and she has no idea what she is doing or how to properly navigate this situation.

I’m almost done with this long ass rant I promise but it’s two more things I want to make light of/point out I don’t think anyone really gives Devi credit for still going to therapy, loosing a parent is unbearable especially loosing one as young as Devi did, especially when you feel the only parent that truly understood and supported you is gone. Devi doing things that are impulsive and unreasonable because she quite literally has no guidance her mother is only consumed with Devi not making the family “look bad” Devi’s grief is so heavy and she feels she’s going at it alone because her mother doesn’t take genuine time to talk to her. Now was Devi “stalking” her mother extremely inappropriate yes for sure but do Nalini and her need to communicate better for Devi to understand that her mother wasn’t dating sure even if Nalini was on a date their should have been communication there. Devi will probably never stop grieving her father hell he literally came to her in a dream to tell her she deserves better when it came to “dating” Paxton and Nalini will probably never stop grieving her husband but she deserves happiness too and I believe if Devi and Nalini were both honest with each other her slowly dating again wouldn’t have been a problem. Another point I wanna make connecting Devi, Paxton, and Ben is they all have this view that the grass is greener on the other side and that’s just not the case. Ben is jealous of Paxton cause he feels he has the “Perfect life” but in actuality Paxton is extremely flawed and honestly insecure his own family doesn’t believe in him and he knows people only like him because he is attractive, while Paxton looks at Ben like this, while annoying Ben is smart, rich, and no one ever questions Ben’s intelligence but in actuality Ben is very lonely and has spent most of his life alone or being raised by other people which has caused him to put on a huge front to people and often times overcompensate in his social life, and Devi looks at other girls like they have it all and have 0 struggles or problems (I.e her views on Anissa) but Devi fails to realize thy also struggle, are insecure, is struggling with mental illness, and don’t have themselves figured out, and Devi is looking at this man her mom is “dating” as if he’s taking something away but In actuality he is experiencing his own losses. All in all Never Have I Ever gets teenage angst and messy problematic morally grey teenagers right and the fact that y’all beg for more “flawed or problematic” characters and when you get them you don’t like that they are just that it’s odd to me it seems like y’all only want problematic characters if it’s how you see fit.

TL;DR: Y’all need to stop acting like y’all weren’t gross annoying and had fuck ups as teenagers y’all should really stop pretending like teenagers in real and some of us as teens didn’t have/engage in relationships that weren’t good but we learned from it while this show isn’t real it shows y’all will scream let people fuck up and let them grow but you don’t actually mean it. Devi is a teenager and requires room to grow she even admits she acts out and is impulsive but y’all act like she’s supposed to have the self awareness of a 60 year old.

MvA assorted headcanons

General:

So many years together has made the core monsters inseperable. If something affects one member, it affects the group.

All. The. Monsters. Are. Family.

It takes Susan a while to understand inside jokes and past incidents because of being the most recent addition.

There are Other anomalous creatures kept in Area 5X, but they are either non-sentient and/or are too dangerous to be kept around the more human-friendly monster group.

Area 5X is so gotdang big because they were expecting a lot more kaijus like Insecto to crop up. Sadly not many have surfaced to justify the space.

There’s a hangar in Area 5X full of wrecked UFOs. Some are spacecraft wreckage while others are stuff like weird meteors (Susan’s is in there), and at least one alien creature that got crystallised upon entering Earth’s atmosphere.

There’s significant difference in staff employed at different points throughout the past 50 years. There are far more women on the Area 5X worksheet than back in the 50s, and the guards are generally more sympathetic towards the monsters. Many modern staff members have been reprimanded or let go for failing to uphold secrecy, or for unnecessary cruelty towards the monsters.

Budget cuts were a legitmate concern up until the Battle of Golden Gate Bridge. The facility was far more barebones and sterile before the government had to formally recognise Area 5X’s importance. There have been a lot of redecorating at the facilty since the fat checks started coming in.

Putting individual characters under read due to length.

Susan:

Enjoys many hobbies considered stereotypically feminine; baking, sewing, cosmetics, etc...

Grandparents and extended family are farmers or are atleast connected to the business. Modesto is the agricultural centre of California after all. Her parents were the first of their generation to go against the mold and seek out white-collar careers.

Studied cosmetology in school and was working at a beauty salon to save up for her and Derek’s wedding.

Is very athletic and grew up doing a number of physical extracurriculars like cheerleading, dodgeball, and roller-derby.

Grew up being teased for being the shortest kid in her class/family. They still tease her for it.

Greatly fears causing collateral damage and/or harm to others through her size.

Has issues with anxiety, worsened only by her new job as “savior of earth”. She wishes for a confidant to tell her worries to.

Married life with Derek was doomed to fail. Susan had a plan in place for what came after the marriage, and focusing 100% on Derek’s career was not it. There’s also the line from Derek’s mother about Susan being “the weatherman’s wife”, implying that she was to be the homemaker and not have a career of her own. It’s possible that Susan was planning to settle down and have kids with Derek, but the lack of control she had in moving to Fresno implied that more was going on.

Is currently “taking a break” from love and dating, despite gaining many new admirers.

Tries her best to return to Modesto to visit her family and friends whenever possible, though work often keeps her away for weeks at a time.

If she retains her height-shifting abilities as in the series; Susan goes through really bad “growing” pains.

Link:

Was frozen in his relative late-teens during a cold snap. Got shifted around until he ended up somewhere in Greenland before being discovered by modern humans. Post-thaw he went a bit wild, swimming frantically back south to try and find his old enviroment.

Was one of many scrappy youngsters in his troop, with a number of adoptive parents. The strongest ruled the troop, and Link was fairly weak in comparision to the leaders. He had gotten into a fight the day of his freezing (over something silly in hindsight) and swam away to sulk. When he didn’t return after the cold snap - the troop accepted that he had likely died out on his own.

Likes to freak out humans by making up weird biology facts about his species and ones he’s fought against - like joking about laying eggs or having his tail dettach and regrow like a lizard. However there’s some things he has to ask about, because he doesn’t have medical knowledge or words to describe something.

A lot of his macho behavior came from imitating the guards who kept watch on him. 1950s violent military alpha males aren't a very good role model for someone who doesnt know what societal norms are yet. Link was a lot more insufferable back in the day but chilled out as he began interacting with other walks of life.

Has a high paternal instinct and immediately becomes softer around kids and smaller animals.

Has body language similar to a cat/alligator. Slaps his tail when angry or in deep thought. And yes; Link purrs/rumbles when happy.

Loves monster movies - especially the ones where the monsters “win”. He cried when he saw “Beauty and the Beast” and then immediately booed loudly when the Beast turned human.

Does Not Trust doctors or scientists due to bad past experiences. Will only go to Dr Cockroach and Monger if he ever gets hurt/ill. Gets stressed fast if he has to be in a waiting room or doctors office.

Link had no idea what gender indentities or orientations were until recently - he did come from a pre-human civilization that really didnt mind/care about the schemantics. It took him some time to wrap his head around it. He identifies himself as bisexual after much thought and many hours alone on the computer.

Don't press him about his body. He's built different from humans and cis people. He will punch anyone who doesnt respect his or anyone elses identity.

Has been in love before. It didn’t end well.

Will occasionally wear clothes, but finds it a challenge to find anything that fits him. Will give any shoes he finds to Dr Cockroach and BOB to eat.

The best driver/pilot out of all the monsters.

Dr Cockroach:

True name is Jaques-Yves Herbert. Prefers to just go by "Dr Cockroach" because he dislikes the association with his birth family.

Picks up human languages very easily, although not as quickly as he can understand animals.

Parents were a mixed scientist couple. His father was an aggressive “Strong British Man” that would beat him son down for not following orders or for not meeting his standards for a man. Dr C turned down both chances to attend his parents funerals.

This man isn’t straight. He probably uses old-fashioned slang when asked about romance such as; “I am Uranian” or “I wear a green carnation”. It took Susan a few times to realise what he meant, as she is used to a more open minded enviroment.

Got the idea of transforming into a cockroach from reading Franz Kafkas “The Metamorphosis” as a child. He sympathized with Gregor’s abusive situation, and began considering the possibilties of how one could survive better as a creature like a cockroach.

Studied in biology and entomology in the Uk before moving to the states to follow engineering. Obtained his degree in Dance as a “side gig” in University.

Has been barred from free access to the coffee maker/machine due to overnighters. Once stayed awake so long that he forgot the letter “R”.

Owned a terrarium of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches throughout college. He mourned each of them when his roommate’s iguana got into the tank.

Was a "beatnik" back in the day and still kinda is. Embraces and encourages modern counterculture as he himself was not given such acceptance in his youth. He has however shamefully eaten his old Lenny Bruce album.

Hasn’t actually aged physically since his transformation. He attributes this to the fact that certain athropods can’t age physically beyond maturity. Link is very jealous.

Has obtained more degrees while in captivity, as Monger allowed him access to research and learning materials. He has however had his allowances revoked for previous escape attempts/doomsday devices.

Does still enjoy human food, but the cockroach instinct of "eat detritus" tends to overrule his eating choices. Can’t cook either.

Ironically a terrible driver. The damages from previous drives has made Monger restrict him from operating even a razor scooter.

BOB:

Pretty much considers himself human. Was created by them, raised by one (Monger), and talks like one. Gets sad when he's reminded that no other humans are blue blobs like him.

Absorbed some dna from the scientists present at his "birth", leading to his eye, speech, and omnivorous diet.

Doesnt actually need to breathe (as he can just absorb oxygen through his mass) but the fact that humans Do means that BOB thinks he has to as well.

Shares some physical characteristics with tomatoes/nightshade plants, as he is technically half tomato. He refuses to eat tomatos for this very reason, considering it cannibalism.

Attracts garden pests looking for a tomato plant. This unwittingly makes BOB a pretty good bug zapper.

Still retains his "mental broadcast" ability from "BOB's Big Break" although at a more subtle level. He tends to parrot the things he accidentally "eavesdropped" on.

Is empathetic, and can tell when others aren't doing ok emotionally. Will flop down on someone who’s really sad to comfort them. No brain, only heart.

Best cook out of the monsters. If he doesn’t forget what he’s making at least.

"Whats a gender? Can I eat it?"

Insectosaurus:

Core body is that of a Japanese Silkmoth, although she ended up being spliced with other animals present on the island during her initial mutation; namely ants and ground squirrels.

Eats over a literal ton of mulberry leaves per day. Also enjoys oranges.

Secretly wishes to be more humanoid.

Was only able to pupate and transform due to physical trauma. It seems that her transformation was like a “power-up” that required her to be in geniune distress for it to activate.

First language is Japanese. She learned it from the intial recovery team, and later developed an understanding of English from years in Area 5X.

Goes into torpor in cold weather. Pretty much impossible to wake her up for missions during Winter, as she needs to “rev up” before becoming mobile.

Still very much Link’s best friend. Still enjoys sports, chicks, and beer.

Monger:

Full name is; Warren Rex Monger.

Is very protective of the monsters and will defend them to the death.

Pretty much raised BOB (as seen when BOB was a baby blob in “Night of the Living Carrots”), and considers him his “freaky gelatinous son”.

Has a reputation of being a “control-freak” due to his aggressive overseeing of the monsters’ containment. This toughness is partly because of incidents that occured without his knowledge. Lets just say some scientists have been wedgied/fired for running experiments on the monsters without Monger’s approval.

Has a very “Ron Swanson” emotional response and view of the world. Crying is acceptable only at funerals and at the Grand Canyon (if he hadn’t lost his tear ducts in the war).

Has been married multiple times. Will not confirm or deny if he is currently seeing anyone.

Invisible Man/TiM:

Legit got out but no one at Area 5X is sure how. He suffered a geniune medical emergency and disappeared after surgery. The other monsters were informed that he died from complications to deter them from getting escape ideas.

Is able to be detected in Infrared light. Dr Cockroach managed to rig up goggles to view TiM in case of injury and to foil pranks.

Was a scientist working on an invisibility potion for the military and used himself as a guinea pig. Hasn’t actually been able to replicate his results since - thinks the effect may have been caused by a genetic abnormality.

Dr Cockroach and him are massive rivals. Both actually met eachother pre-transformation through a CalTech expedition. This makes the pair one of few people that have seen the others human face.

Is 100% naked. Was forced to wear clothing once this was discovered.

A massive prankster and a cynic. Him and Link were a force to be reckoned with.

Has revisted the facility multiple times and has started a number of ghost stories.

Any additions are welcome! I proably have alot more to dump about. Might make one of the alien characters from the series

tw: mention of eating disorders

hey i read something about freddie having an eating disrorder, and I hate asking this but could you please explain if you know anything about it. my poor baby :(

Hey anon!

I’m sorry it took me a while to reply. This is a sensitive topic for many, so I wanted to take my time and give you the nuanced reply it deserves.

I’ve talked about this a little before, but I might as well take the opportunity now to speak about it at length. This is only my personal opinion based on everything I’ve read about Freddie and many different takes I’ve seen others put forward.

So, did Freddie have an eating disorder?

The shortest answer to that, as far as I’m concerned, is... maybe?

Before I carry on, I’d like to say that I think everyone is free to speculate about this and make up their own mind, as well as creatively explore this in their writing, and I don’t consider my opinion to be any more correct than anyone else’s.

Why do people think Freddie might have had an ED?

There are a few things about Freddie and food which could be interpreted as ED behaviours. First off, here is what Phoebe has to say about Freddie and his eating habits:

His taste in food changed over the years I was with Freddie. When I started the group of us would make monthly visits to the restaurant Shezan, an Indian eatery, in Knightsbridge. Freddie never had a menu as they always provided his favourite selection of foods without asking. As his illness progressed, his taste buds could not take the assault of spicy foods and he tended to more bland foods. He also turned his eating habits around. He used to have a lighter meal at lunch and then have a big meal in the evening, usually at a restaurant with a big group of friends. Towards the end he would eat more at lunch and a smaller meal in the evenings.

Nothing much out of the ordinary here, as far as I can see. Freddie definitely had favourite foods he enjoyed, but then, a common misconception is that people with EDs don’t like/enjoy food, and that isn’t true. Phoebe also says this:

As I have said before, Freddie was a very light eater. Some of us live to eat, but Freddie was one of those people who ate to live. He was the master of moving food around the plate to give the appearance of having eaten a good amount. He did enjoy good food, but really didn’t need to consume very much. He loved entertaining guests at meals in the dining room at Garden Lodge and was able to disguise his non-eating by making sure everyone else was ok during the meal. Don’t get me wrong, Freddie always ate enough to keep him going, but I can’t remember one time when he leant back in the chair saying ‘I’m stuffed!’

Now here we have a lot of things to unpack. There are three things in here - moving food around the plate to give the appearance of having eaten more, disguising his non-eating and never eating enough to be full - which are definitely known ED behaviours.

However, people who just do not care about food all that much and are light eaters do also exist. In fact, I’m one of them myself. I did struggle with Disordered Eating in my teens and my early 20s, but I have a healthy relationship with food now and I never like to eat until I’m stuffed because it’s not a nice feeling, physically, to overeat. I’m also someone who easily and genuinely forgets to eat when I’m in a creative haze. Just as an example.

Also, seeing as Freddie most likely was made to finish meals all throughout his boarding school times, like many children in lunch halls, which is usually not a great experience for children who are picky or light eaters, the “moving food around the plate to make it seem he’s eaten” could well be an old habit stemming from there.

Either way, Phoebe doesn’t seem too concerned about Freddie’s eating, and even though people with EDs are very good at hiding them, Phoebe did know him for a long time and very, very well. Phoebe could also be withholding information that he considers too private. All of that is possible, all of that is speculation.

There are other things which point to the fact that Freddie was definitely preoccupied with his weight/appearance. In this interview in 1974, he says:

“Oh really,” he exclaims in disgust, “this paper has no flair - I mean to print this picture three times in succession … and just look at my arms!” He was horrified, “look at how fat they appear, now my arms aren’t like that at all - what do you think?” He rolls up his sleeves for me to inspect and I’d like to state here and now that the poor dear’s arms are quite, quite slender!

The photo Freddie is most likely talking about, is this one:

It’s not a very fortunate angle, admittedly. So I think it’s possible to see where he was coming from, but even so, he was worried about his arms looking fat at a time when he looked like this:

Yes, it is important to keep in mind that people were generally thinner in the 70s than we are used to now. (Brian, for example, was also incredibly thin.) But in this picture it really is evident that Freddie was very, very thin at this point.

Other things which are often brought into the discussion around Freddie’s eating habits is the account of him throwing a fit when Brian ate one of his biscuits once, choosing to walk after a meal at a restaurant while his driver drove alongside him and his friends, eating cereal on the floor in his dressing room, this picture where he clearly prefers salad to chicken wings (unlike Roger “What Even Are Vegetables” Taylor):

All of the above, to me, are things which can be heavily read into but ultimately don’t prove very much.

And there is this bit from Mercury & Me:

The Sun did later print a photograph of Freddie taken while he was performing at the festival, which he didn't appreciate. It showed off "Flabulous Freddie" with a slight paunch, wickedly describing it as his "midriff bulge". When he saw the picture he looked at me and shook his head in despair. 'It's typical,' he said. 'If I'm slim the papers say I'm too thin and if I put on a little bit of a belly they say I'm too fat. It's a no-win situation.'

Now, that doesn’t give off the impression to me that Freddie was particularly distraught about that article, at that point in his life. But it certainly appears to have bothered him to some degree.

So what’s the conclusion?

To me, personally, it seems quite likely that Freddie did suffer from Disordered Eating in the early to mid 70s. That’s really not uncommon, sadly, although it usually afflicts young women more than young men. But he was in the spotlight and had to care about his appearance. He was clearly very preoccupied with it, not only when it came to his body, but his looks in general - there is plenty of evidence regarding that. He was very selective about which photographs of himself he did and didn’t like. However, I find it impossible to say just how much this preoccupation affected him exactly. 1974 especially was also a very taxing year for Queen. Their management was shit, they struggled with money, they almost lost Brian, their touring schedules were brutal, the press was bashing them, Freddie was struggling with his sexual identity. There were a lot of immense stress factors, and he could have very well been someone who responded to stress by not eating - just like others respond to stress by eating too much. And Disordered Eating is not classed as an eating disorder. It is, if you will, the beginning of one.

Or, he absolutely could have developed or already had an actual ED which he was hiding fairly well, and it could have affected him a lot, but nobody would have ever known because he would have been unlikely to ever speak to anybody about it.

Both is possible. I simply don’t think that there is enough information to do more than speculate on the matter, beyond: He had a preoccupation with his looks and minded what and how much he ate throughout his life.

However, in the second half of the 70s as well as the 80s, he was still thin but had started working out and looked more “athletic” thin rather than gaunt. I think it’s entirely possible that whatever issues Freddie had with food were not a constant thing but something that may have been worse and better at times, depending on his overall mental well-being and his levels of confidence.

Or, it could have been something that he always struggled with.

Again, as far as I am concerned, both is possible and I don’t feel I can say for certain. And so, my take leans towards Disordered Eating when younger and less preoccupation with it later on. That’s the impression I get.

But I wrote all this out so that others can make up their own minds, and rather than share my exact opinion, I encourage you to do just that.