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jangofettjamz · 4 months

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Short And Shy

Tara Carpenter x Autistic!Male!Reader

Summary: You were an inch shorter than Tara and extremely shy. She absolutely adored you for it.

Warnings: Description of autistic meltdown

Requested by: @d-epicplayz1028

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3rd person POV

Today was stressful on Y/N, a bad mental health day to be specific. Y/N lived by a simple schedule. He'd wake up, get ready for college, ride to school with his girlfriend, learn and spend the rest of the day with her. This would hardly waver from its course, but he was content with that. However, unfortunate events would impede on that schedule.

Tara and Y/N walked hand in hand down the halls of their college, the glares of students did not go amiss by the couple. They watched them; stared, most of envy, jealousy and the occasional resentment. Not that it bothered them of course, at least not Tara. Y/N wasn't fond of all the attention he was getting.

They found their place in their seats, each offering a warm smile to the other, filling them with a sense of warmth and comfort that only such a loving smile could offer.

Though, that sense of warmth quickly dissipated when one of the jocks and his friends burst through the door with a boom box in hand, blasting loud music that bounced across the lecture hall walls.

Y/N winced as the sound waves from the speakers invaded his ear drums. Tara took notice of the discomfort his face had displayed and moved to cover his ears with her hands, her thumbs moving in circular motions across his temples in an effort to calm him.

The lecturer was too busy reprimanding the boys who had interrupted his class to even notice the couple. He spouted something about having the boys expelled if they attempted a stunt like that again, Tara didn't really care for what he had to say, keeping jer focus solely on her lover.

Y/N began babbling incoherently, a symptom of overstimulation from loud noises. People were starting to look at the two of them and starting to whisper, not helping the situation at all. He could feel all the eyes on him, like the whole world's gaze set itself on him, to mock and belittle him.

He felt as though his throat had closed up, cutting off any potential communication. His senses were in overdrive, the smell of the mahogany chairs he sat on invading his nasal passages. His clothes felt wrong, the material itching his skin, too irritable to go unnoticed. Tara put two and two together, he was gonna have a meltdown.

Tara kept whispering sweets words to her partner "Shh shh shh, it's okay baby. You're okay, my love. Can I hold you? Would you like to be held right now?" The boy nodded desperately, wanting the warm embrace and comfort from her. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into her lap and began rocking him, a technique that proved to be quite effective at calming him.

The lecturer finally took notice of the couple and demanded to know why the sound of cries were present. "Ms Carpenter what is going on?" He asked impatiently after having to deal with the jocks.

"Y/N is having a meltdown, may we be excused?" The lecturer nodded, likely not wanting to argue anymore than he had to. Tara picked Y/N up and carried him out of the classroom, his shorter stature allowing this to be possible.

She hurried out of the classroom with him in her arms, ignoring the numerous voices talking about them. Y/N keeps his legs around her waist and his face in her neck while she carries him to her car, weak sniffles are heard by Tara, making her even more mad at the jocks who caused this.

Once they made out of the building Tara sets him down and opens the car door for him, he hastily gets in and shuts the door, stimming to try and regulate himself. Tara takes her place in the drivers seat and holds him for a few more minutes, carding her fingers through his scalp.

"Stupid jocks, aren't they" She says to which he mumbled out a sound in agreement, still unable to verbally communicate properly. "Let's go to my place. Is that okay?" He nodded again, prompting Tara to buckle up and he the same.

- 20 minutes later

Tara turned the key to open the front door to her apartment, it was there they were met with Sam. She was going to greet Y/N, but thought twice when she saw his current state. She went for it anyway "Hey buddy, what happened?" She says expressing deep concern.

He looked to Tara to speak up for him, she got the message and spoke up. "Some asshole and his friends blasted music in our lecture. He got overstimulated so I took him out of there." She explains, he held her hand a little tighter, his head nestled against her chest.

Sam cooed out of sympathy "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me" she says and he smiles at her words which she happily returned.

Tara kept repeating sweet words to him, making him feel safe. Y/N felt the environment around him become warmer with each word that came out of her mouth, comforting him I'm the best way possible. "You're doing so good baby, you're safe now. Nothing can get you here. No stupid jocks, no loud music, just you and me" he felt at home, she felt like his home; a safe space.

She looked down at him, taking note of his features, admiring him. He saw this and his cheeks went beat red. She giggled mischievously, knowing the effect she has on him. She placed a kiss on his forehead and the heat in his cheeks rose to new heights.

Her hands worked his body, one in his hair and one rubbing his back and arms. He kept his hands in his sleeves due to the shyness he was experiencing. Tara kept placing kisses on his head, loving the way he reacts to them.

"Are you feeling a little shy, baby?" He nodded, then yawned, tired from the meltdown earlier. "Shy and tired I see. Wanna take a nap for me?" A part of him wanted to protest, though, he knew that she was right and that he needed rest.

He nodded his head, eyes half open. She took upon herself to carry him to bed, showing her impressive strength despite being 5'1, though he was inch or two smaller than her.

She placed him on her bed, looming over him like a guardian angel. She draped the blanket over his small frame like a protective shield from all the bad things in the world and kissed his forehead with love and passion "Sleep tight, sweet boy. I love you"

And just like that he was out like a light. Tara stayed by his side as he slept, holding his hand knowing her presence alone brings him great comfort.

She was never leaving him. Ever.

#jenna ortega x y/n #jenna ortega x reader #jenna ortega #jenna ortega x you #male reader #jenna marie ortega #tara carpenter x you #tara carpenter x y/n #tara carpenter x reader #tara carpenter

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roachemoji · 9 months

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NEW ST LIVE BLOGGING bc i lost my old thread lmao S1 06-08 (but not really i need to rewatch the end again)

Episode 6

OKAY im starting like halfway through ep 6 again

the AUTISM in the first 30 seconds of this episode starting up again lmao EL calling him a mouth breather because its the first insult she fucking hears??? Yea YEAH

GOD JOYCE IN A TURTLE NECK <- my mom (hold oni have to jump back up here because I completetly skipped the part about Jane and her mom and the connection to El and i feel like its a little too on the nose that thats who El is given how much ive seen and read about the fuckery and connections in this show so im waiting on that - unless it is just... that. AKJHD)

I LOVE DUSTIN SO MUCH WHY DO I NEVER HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HIM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

hes SO smart holy shit i mean they all are but his interpersonal skills are so JUST YEAH CALL THEM OUT CALL THEM OUT also his quiet "ok" when he pushes that theyre all his best friends UGH

is this the scene is this the i think im about to watch the thing i just OH MAN HE JUST CLOCKED HIM WHO STRADDLES A MAN LIKE THAT WHEN YORUE FIGHTING HELLO

damn

anyway sorry Johnathan and Nancy Platonic Soulmates Best Friends Forever im making them bracelets !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh man i was gonna mention the van that Lucas saw but i forgot also GOD DUSTIN IS THE ONLY ONE WITH FUCKIGN SENSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH boys boys boys boys boys

I FORGOT HE PISSED HIS FUCKING PANTS LMAO

JUST PISS YOUR PANTS???? oh he okay yeah i though the was actually asking him to just piss his fucking pants

DUSTIN JUST SACRIFICING HIMSELF WHY DO I NOT HEAR MORE ABOUT HIM ACTUALLY

SO what would happen if Mike had like died what would happen if those kids had caused his death like wouold they have just ran and left Dustin or pushed him off or what like AKJSHDSKAJHD

IM SORRY THE SONG WHEN EL SHOWS UP IS SO FUCKING FUNNY

El exxperiencing PTSD so vividly breaks my fucking heart like girlie i understand i understan di do i reall really do god im so sorry BABY GIRL ITS OKAY AOOIASUDSKAH SHE OPENED THE GATE DAMN gonna like swaddle her or something god

im sorry the squad of white vans going to kidnap children is a little too on the fucking nose for me

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Episode 7

real talk could El not just explode them what if El just exploded them i mean obviously theres OTHER consequences like... killing people BUt i mean.

SHE IDNT EXPLODE THE VAN BUT I MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT GUY IS PROBABLY DEAD SO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pausing to say something actually: How child abuse is depicted so far in the show is very scary to me in how real it feels. To be a kid in those situations, to not understand the power you weild because an adult as manipulated you into believing that you're helpless? That the only person you can rely on is them, even as they're actively harming you? Brenner being aware of the harm that El can cause him but believing so strongly in the hold he has on her and therefore he is above consequence, above harm? fucking yucky The scene of him giving her the potted flower made my stomach sink. Felt a little too close to home I know that themes of abuse are really prevelant in this show and Its really interesting to see how it affects people different but especially El, someone who'se pretty fucking clearly autistic and shows a lot of the same symptoms that i did post abuse? I thought i had more to say on it and maybei will as time goes on i just!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ough okay moving on --

LUCAS!!!!!!!!! APOLOGIZING and El saying she sorry too and ALL OF THEM APOLOGIZING YEAH THIS IS BOYS BEING BOYS BABEY THIS IS!!!! BOYS! BEING! BOYS!!!!!!!

WHITE WOMAN JUMPSCARE AGAIN

i cant wait to get to the part where i understand who you (POINTS AT EM) believe she is and fully feel whatever i should feel about her and what shes done or about to do or going to do in multiple timelines or what have YOU

Mikes dad makes me want to ram my head into a wall

and BRENNER is just fucking STABS HIM STABS HIM STABS HIM

Joyce is just :3c she just!! she <3

she can.... make you fly....... and...... piss yourself

the two super powers

OUHAKJSDH i forgot they think Johnathan killed Will jesus christ i hate these two so much and OUGAKSDH GOD THANK YOU FOR AKHSDAKJH FINALLY!! THANK U IK STEVE SHAPES UP AND CHANGES HIS SHIT AND GROWS THANK GOD BUT JESUS ITS ABOUT TIME HOLY FUCK

SPIT IN HIS EYES SPIT IN HIS EYES !!!! WISH U HAD GOD NOT THEIR DND SHIT HELLOW???

the Byers,,,,,,,,,, seemed so distant before like they didnt know each other or cared but god theyre so close theyre so so close and i feel that i get that

MIKES DAD AGAIN I WANT TO HES SO FUCKING STUPID if i were locked in a room with him id put on cocomelon

HOPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

THE BOYS ARE ALL SO SMART I LOVE THEM OS MUCH

El is just trying so fucking hard god the liek desperation and fear or failure and guilt that she just keeps carrying itS JUST!!!!

MR CLARKS LIL DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! do you ever use your teacher's autism against him and force him to info dump in the same of science.

watching them setting up the pool and knowing they probably just told them to figure it out while they filmed it <3 ALSO MIKE REALIZING HIS SISTER IS ACTUALLY COOL idk need more siblings being siblings

JOYCE IS MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

someone giving El the option to say no? to back out? to FEEL SAFE??? im going to lose my mind im gonan scREAM and cry and throw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am BANGING MY FISTS On the TABLE

genuinely WAHT did barb do to deserve this WHAT DID SHE DO SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND OH MY GOD

joyce joyc ejoCYCE JOYCE JOYCE fuck all yall shes my favorite character im in love with her

Do episodes that end in the upside down also not end with music @ em i cant remember this happening before bc i didnt write it down <3

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Episode 8

LAST EPISIDE OF THE SEASON i went to get popcorn for this to pay full attention or as much as i could im goingin an dout of dissociating so bare with me i feel like im gonna have to rewatch the entire first season again bc i missed a lot but we'll get there in due time anyway onward and upward boys

OHH THE FIRST SCENE I SAW A PARALLEL TO EPISODE ONE!!! WITH JOYCE ON THE PHONE AND NOW YELLING AT BRENNER

god i love WHEN PEOPLE STAND UP TO BRENNER AND DONT BELIEVEHIS BULLSHIT

Hopper <333333

Johnathan and Nancy are my favorite best friends theyre jUST like GUNG FUCKING HO i love it

IM OAIUSDKAJHD NANCY AND HOPPER GOING FUCKING IN WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN yall keep underesitimating these people because you got your fancy suits and you think ou have control of the situation and then you get your ass handed to you SO IM waiting for his ass to be handed to him

do NOTTTTT DO NOT DO THIS TO ME WITH HOPPER DONT THROW ME INTO A FUCKING FLASH BACK!!!!!!! NOT LIKE THIS NOT HERE GONNA BITE

if i have to watch people cut their palms to get blood one more time im gonna STOP STOP IT STOP IT STOP oh my GOD LIKE... BAK O FYOU HAND? YOUR ARM? GIRL.

STEEVEEEEEEEEE are the lights gonna start blinking girl please pleas eplease srteve please can he help kill please bro Im HIS big brown eyes hello hwa the fuck

SO Tumblr deleted... everything after this and im kinda upset man i got like 20 minutes left in the episode not even and it just wiped out 90% of me going balls to the fuck wall about El exploding people's brains and how much i love Joyce Byers and how they gotta stopputting me through so much emotional turmoil when it comes to Hopper and his flash backs

I think im gonna rewatch the last episode to give a better genuine reaction bc i kinda spaced out at the end and dont super know whats going on now askdhj

#bo posting #bo.txt #stranger things #oougHSKDHGSJF #AH

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haejjoon · 1 year

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BARKBARK I LOVE TRANS HCS im not trans myself but when i see how happy they make my trans friends & my partner???? TOSSES THEM AROUND LIKE CANDY u get a trans hc! u get a trans hc! WE ALL GET TRANS HCS

also may i say. adhd/autistic phantoms ? good shit

also ur mention of how trans goro is more common than trans akiren makes me wanna pop off about infantilization in fandoms and how it ties into misogyny, trans-misogyny and nsfw content and its characterizations and just fjbvkfnb. im a social sciences major and i LOVE discussing infantilization in the context of sex and gender and disability i love that shit. anyway idk where i was going with this but tldr i love ur characterization of goro <3

OHHHHH ANON YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST STARTED.....

prefacing this by saying: i have adhd. although i haven't been able to be properly diagnosed (with the things hooked up to my head etc etc) thanks to america's stunning healthcare, i am like.. 99.999999% sure i have it. my therapist, who i used to see regularly, agrees that i probably have it.

NOW. i'm sure we all know that futaba sakura our favorite gremlin girl ever exhibits some clear symptoms of autism. i don't need to get into it because there's a million and one analyses out there about her behavior, but i will say that i both love/hate how atlus depicted her. on one hand i love that the group just.. accepts her for who she is, i love that they don't try to change her, i love that they don't fall into the "ooh you're so smart though so your disability MUST be a superpower!" trap, and that they mold around her to suit her, and not the other way around.

THAT BEING SAID.....

i have SUCH a bone to pick with how they decided to go about her 'healing' arc. the phantom thieves give her a week--a WEEK--to readjust to society. and yeah i guess that while you could argue that she's just had her trauma supernaturally lobotomized out of her, it doesn't change the fact that she's... still gone through it, you know? just because she learned to stop hating herself for things out of her control doesn't mean her social anxiety disappears in a snap. she turns out alright by the end but the extremely pushy nature of the thieves to get her out of her shell ALWAYS rubbed me wrong. taking things slow and one step at a time is wonderful, and i'm glad they decided to go about that approach instead of just throwing her to the beach like they originally wanted, but they still should have taken it... slower. one week is HARDLY enough.

also, i fucking hate how they constantly talk about her while she's in the same room as them, as if she can't hear what they're saying. they said things like, "oh she's pretty normal, huh" and "she can hold a conversation just fine!" and while their behavior isn't one completely out of the ordinary for dumb teenagers to exhibit, it still really, really pisses me off that they do it wiht her in the SAME ROOM. im sure it wasn't meant to come off this way, but i always got the feeling that they attributed her 'quirkiness' to her not understanding how groups worked at all, which is why they were so open about discussing HER MENTAL HEALTH without including her in the conversation.

okay i'm done with futaba--quick hcs im throwing out there: ryuji has adhd, yusuke also has autism, mishima has autism, goro has ocd. boom bam bop, you've been hit by the 'tism beam.

PLEASE DO POP OFF ABOUT THE INFANTILISM it's honestly such a gross sight.... the amount of times ive seen goro depicted as some small, feminine twink is genuinely staggering, and it's always left such a bad taste in my mouth because i KNOW it's because his character, at least for the majority of the plot, is polite and soft spoken.

not to mention how incredibly fetishizing it feels. i won't get too into it, but the amount of shuakeshu ive seen where one is drawn/written as larger than life/confident/suave and the other is meek/skinny/easily embarrassed? ohhh my god. please. akiren isn't some smooth jerk who makes goro blush with a well-placed quip, and goro isn't a crazed yandere who shuts akiren away from the rest of the world. they're both fucking losers who don't know how to process their feelings for the other because of their very, very embarrassing rivalry. stop degrading one to fit your perfect mlm narrative.

sigh i didn't mean for this to become a social commentary or anything, but .. lo and behold... here we are. i'd love to hear your thoughts on my takes, anon, and i'd love to hear the thoughts for anyone who read thru this too! while i do have adhd/am trans i can't speak for those who fall under the autism spectrum or for cis gay men, so if you'd like to correct me in my thinking PLEASE go ahead and do so, i'd love to be educated on topics i don't fully understand. have a good one <3

#character study #persona 5 headcanons #futaba sakura #goro akechi #persona 5 protagonist

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alostlittleriverlotus · 8 months

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the fact my previous psychiatrist acted like I was an entitled brat for not wanting to work and literally made me cry (he could see me, it was a video call) and didn't stop and treated my schizoid avoidant ass like I'm some awful evil manipulator that doesn't think anyone cares about them is disgusting.

If I had a dollar for every time a mental health professional made me cry, more suicidal, or hate myself and blame myself, I would have enough money to buy a meal. I don't know the exact number, but hey, it's happened a lot.

And then my parents wonder why I am so resistant to therapists and psychiatrists and shit like that.

Especially after my last therapist just downplayed when I brought how a situation was humiliating (don't care if you reword it, it was a humiliating situation and still is, I've just learned to not care and to be okay with it) and also tried to downplay me saying I can't work like "no you just don't want to work and nobody wants to work, but we have to" when i was literally just learning I was disabled mentally and physically and then I completely shut down after that. Or when my other therapist before her, I told my mom I wanted to talk about something big (my trauma with my friends) and she told myself therapist so my therapist started pressuring me to tell her and would judge me as if I didn't want to get better because anxiety toolkits don't work for me and I was treated as if I WANT to be this way.

Literally my second therapist was the only decent one. She did help with my GAD and some of my night delusions and anxiety. But for a professional field that is supposed to diagnose you, so many of them, ignored diagnosing me. Hell, I still never got an ocd diagnosis professionally even though they agreed that what I experienced was ocd. So the only thing I'm diagnosed with is GAD. And the fact that I was so close to an autism diagnosis, but my mom said she didn't notice any symptoms in me so my psychiatrist just stopped with it after that even though my memory could pinpoint several exact things when those autistic traits showed in me especially since i have a better memory of my early childhood than the majority of my childhood.

Ah. Mental health professionals. They do suck the majority of the time. I've seen so many people helped by others and it honestly always made me feel like it was a failing in me. Nah, it's just a flawed system filled with flawed people and ableism. And I do not have the energy, the vulnerability, or the strength to go through until I can get a good one. It's more detrimental than helpful for me to seek help so I don't. But I also know I can manage my own symptoms 87% of the time and I've worked hard to make sure the 13% of the time I can't has me protected from harm.

But honestly. Mt experiences have sucked and I hate the fact people still push me to seek help. They can't just accept me saying "I don't want to, I don't like them" as an answer. Love that I have to basically trauma dump to my parents to get them to back off and actually, ya know, listen to me. Anyway, river has worn out their energy levels and will now proceed to recharge their battery alone. Nappy time for river by not functioning and only focusing on special interests to fuel joy.

And honestly this is just the experience I've had. I can't imagine how much worse it can be for others too. My parents always say I have to stick with it for them to know me. But I want to cry after two sessions and not in the healthy way. They make me feel awful about myself and have made me consider dying just to avoid it or just because they make me feel so at fault for everything. I can't even get into my trauma or open up because even just talking is exhausting. Not to mention I'm supposed to lead, but my autistic schizoid mind doesn't do that. You give things, I answer. I don't know how to lead conversations aside from with MA. I don't even lead convos with my girlfriend or other safe friends unless I'm in a really good mood. I hate the American mental health systems. Until there's a major change or I need medication, I ain't bothering with them. I got my anxiety meds and they help a lot as is. That's all I fucking need. Not to mention the guilt I feel related to money since I'm financially reliant on my parents and the trauma around that cause of them making me feel guilty for having to spend money on me. So my experiences have only led me to feeling worse about myself, stressed, miserable, and suicidal. So yeah. Even if there is a chance I'll get someone good, I ain't gonna bother. I'm far too fragile for it. I don't want to risk my well being like that even if it had a chance to be better.

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patriciavetinari · 6 months

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I understand that drawing parallels between types of opression is a sensitive business and that's why, as a white able-bodied cis woman, I don't venture there very often.

I understand that fatphobia is so ingrained and so deep in all of us, it seems so natural, that anyone bringing it to the same level sounds insulting. LGBTQ community does very little about the 'no fats' trend in dating profiles. I don't know who started the rumor that wlw are more body positive, that's a myth.

However, I have a personal anectode. I have a friend at work who is a lesbian. About a year ago she and her partner were getting a mortgage going for a 1 bed apartment. Exorbitant price. Barely scraped together their two incomes.

My friend is also fat. As a part of a qualification process, the bank had asked for medical history and BMI, and sent over to her a medical nurse to do a check-up.

They wanted to deny a paying applicant a mortgage based on her weight.

The bank didn't care that she was gay. It didn't matter that they are two people of the same gender, publicly out, getting a place together. That didn't matter. Her weight did.

Now. She did go on blood pressure medication and a diet. I told her my stance on this, but this was literrally a matter of housing, not conforming. They got the mortgage and the apartment. She is doing fine, while still fat. World events, pressure at work and mutiple terminally ill relatives continue to drive up her blood pressure. Because that's what it depends on much more than the amount of fat on the body.

It's just so frustrating to me how fatphobia is very open, yet people deny its existence. University teachers openly admit bias agaist fat students when grading yet noone believes us. Banks deny housing based on BMI yet noone believes us. Doctors admit being disgusted and avoiding touching fat patients and diagnosing every symptom as fat and missing cancers in us and declining to evacuate us in emergencies, yet fatphobia doesn't exist. We see conversion therapy for kids as abuse but not the 700 calorie diets. Xtians calling gay and autistic people spawns of the devil is outrageous but demonizing fat people for the sin of gluttony is fine.

Every situation is unique of course. Some bigots might care more about the straight fattie than the thin queer. But they are still a bigot with the potential to endanger a life with impunity because of the circumstance of the victim.

The lack of solidarity with fat people in marginalized communities is astounding. You see beautiful pinned posts how the blog is safe for trans and neirodivergent people, how it supports BLM and sex workers, then you scroll down and ten posts below there's a fat joke, just like that.

I never make a fuss or anon those people or anything, I just quietly close it and move on, siltently lamenting fat queers and disabled people and fat people of color and sex workers who should not feel safe on those blogs. We are not welcome after all.

#fatphobia

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lionheartslowstart · 1 year

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Autism

For a few months now, I have been alluding to a possible 9th diagnosis to add to my veritable repertoire of said diagnoses. Well, today I finally got the news I have been waiting so long to hear.

I’m autistic.

I let the words wash over me. Everything turned to slow motion as I felt the muscles in my face slacken and the tears flow. Finally, FINALLY, I had an answer.

I began suspecting I might have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) around 2 years ago. I started quietly compiling research, comparing my own experience to those described by autistic women and AFAB nonbinary people. I looked at feminine people specifically because there is VERY little research on AFAB autistic people. Even less on AFAB autistic adults.

Over time, I continued adding more and more traits, habits, and quirks to a list I cleverly titled ‘Possible Autism Symptoms?’ With every article I read, every video I watched, every person I spoke to, I became increasingly certain: I have autism.

My mother was the first person I discussed my concerns with, just a few months after starting my secret research. We both cried, and she held me and told me that, while she didn’t think it was true, if it was, she would love me no matter what, and we’d figure it out together. I broached the subject to my therapist and my psychiatrist, who both vehemently shook their heads and insisted that no, it wasn’t possible, there was no way I could be autistic. So I let the idea go and didn’t bring it up again for a long time.

But it kept nagging at me, so a year later, I resumed my research and continued to find similarity after similarity, explanation after explanation for basically my whole life. I brought it up to my therapist again and this time she took it more seriously. After discussing it at length, as well as showing her my list, she began to acknowledge the possibility that I may, in fact, be autistic.

We had numerous conversations on the subject, but there was one thing she said in particular that really stuck with me. She told me that I have all these diagnoses and that, while they were definitely all valid and present, it seemed like there was a small hole at the center, and perhaps an autism diagnosis would not only fill that hole, but would also perfectly connect the other eight diagnoses together and tie them in a neat little bow.

I re-opened the conversation with my mother, who began to consider that maybe I did, in fact, have autism. After that, I broached the subject with my boyfriend, then my father, followed by my brother, and then several of my friends. After I scheduled the evaluation (more on that later), I began telling some extended family members as well.

Other than my boyfriend, “Thomas,” and my father, every single person I discussed this with said something to the effect of, “No way, you can’t be autistic!” But I was patient with them (I think), and I took time to explain to each person why I felt so strongly about it, and to show them the work I had done. And over time, every single one of them came around, saying things like “Maybe you’re right,” and, “Okay I’m starting to understand why - ”. (Side note, I find it very interesting that both my father and Thomas were on board from the start. Both of them immediately accepted my self-diagnosis and told me they absolutely believed I was correct.)

Unfortunately, there’s so much stigma related to autism, and so many misunderstandings and miscommunication around it. And I think I just don’t fit a lot people’s ideas of what autism “looks like.” But while that would explain why so many people were so shocked at my assertion, I don’t believe it’s the only reason.

You see, I kick major ass at masking.

Over the entirety of my life, I, if not perfected, significantly refined my abilities to pass through the world unnoticed, un-clockable as “other.” Or at least, “other” in this specific respect. My therapist even commented that she was concerned I would not be able to get a formal diagnosis because I was too good at masking!

So, over the following months, I made it my mission to unmask as much as possible. And fuck, it was a LOT harder than I thought it would be. When you’ve spent your whole life practicing fitting in, it’s extremely difficult to just let that go. But I’ve worked really hard, and it’s becoming more natural for me to just be myself. Though of course, new challenges have arisen as a result.

Anyway, after discussing this all in depth with my mom and my therapist, we all decided it would be a good idea for me to have a formal screening. Even though I was relatively sure, I wanted to have an official diagnosis on paper, or to be told I was wrong and never have to question it again. I asked my therapist if she’d be willing to diagnose me, but she expressed that, while she felt an autism diagnosis would make sense, and she had even been trained in certain aspects of the testing, it was not her specialty, and therefore she was not comfortable performing the evaluation or throwing the diagnosis around. So instead, she referred me to a colleague of hers who DID specialize in autism and in conducting the evaluation. I was put on a wait list and heard nothing for months. Finally, I got the call, and a lovely young woman explained the evaluation process to me. I was able to schedule the evaluation for six-ish weeks in advance, which was very exciting, but still meant more waiting.

At last I was able to be evaluated. This started with a total of 2 and a half hours of the specialist interviewing me, talking about my personal history, asking about specific experiences and possible ASD markers, and discussing my life in the present, as well as why I was seeking an evaluation. Then, she met with my mother for I believe an hour and a half to ask her questions about my childhood specifically and things my mother may have noticed that I may not have. Lastly, I was given an IQ test as well as, I guess, a kind of exam, with specific testing relating to ASD signs and traits. (Obviously this took place over several days.) When the test was over, the specialist and I scheduled a feedback session for two weeks later so we could go over all of her findings.

That’s what happened today.

My mom came with me for moral support, and I’m really glad she did. She asked some great questions of the specialist (who was very kind by the way) and held my hand and was an important part of the “what now” conversation.

So why am I sharing all of this with you?

Well, I decided a long time ago that, should the time come that I receive an official diagnosis, I would be open about it. I am exceedingly open and honest about my other diagnoses, so why shouldn’t I be with this one? As I said earlier, there is so much stigma around autism, wouldn’t I just be contributing to that stigma? Wouldn’t I just be reinforcing the idea that autism is something to be ashamed of?

And the fact is, I’m not ashamed of it. Not at all. There’s a lot of reasons for that, including how much progress has been made in our society (though we still have a long way to go). But I’d like to think it’s because I’ve wasted so much time being ashamed of myself for this reason or that reason that I’m just tired of doing that.

More than anything, I’m just RELIEVED. I didn’t cry today because I was upset. I cried because it felt like a massive weight had been airlifted off my body. I cried because everything in my life suddenly clicked into place, and all of the things that didn’t make sense or barely made sense because I had thrown together random little pieces of explanations, suddenly made perfect sense. Because now I understand things I didn’t understand before. It’s like I found an entire world that exists inside of me that I didn’t even know was there. Now I understand why I am the way I am and why things are the way they are in so many different aspects of my life. Finally. Finally.

I am certain I will continue to discuss this with my friends and family, as well as on my social media. I have worked hard to be an advocate for all of my previous diagnoses, especially bipolar disorder, borderline, and c-ptsd, as those disorders are not well-understood and carry a lot of stigma. Autism is not well-understood. Autism carries a lot of stigma. So why would I not advocate for autism as well? Why would I pass up this opportunity, to once again be honest about my diagnosis and do my best to educate people about what life is like for me and others like me? (Please note, just like with any of my other diagnoses I do NOT speak for all autistic people!!)

I look forward to continuing to discover myself, doing more research so I can understand my new diagnosis, and sharing what I find.

Hello new chapter.

Hello Sophie.

#autism #autistic #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #growth #understanding #personal

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imjustcoping · 2 years

Text

21/10/22

i get the feeling my best friend doesn't believe in non binary. A while ago she said that she didn't believe it was a a thing. she literally called it a phase because she didn't know any adult that were non binary who used they/them in their pronouns. Which i find silly because she is a pansexual girl who should understand the stigma that gay people faced and still face. After years of being told that being gay isn't real and that its just a phase and she says that. and she doesn't really view trans people as people- she says its because her dad is a doctor and he finds it really difficult to diagnose trans patients when he doenst know what they are. Its so fucking stupid he could legit just ask if they were afab or amab but it should already be in their medical history. i fucking hate it. I also sent before and after picture of me wearing a binder and i was so happy. In the GC T congratulated me and gave me a shit ton of affirmations and it made me feel so genuinely good. but S just ignored it. I know we are drifting apart and i know its my fault because this always happens. after 5 years they go, they just disappear into the mist, a new school, new friends, or im too much

And last night i was doing an assignment on 2 separate books. Aftter i finished the first one i went on tiktok and of course a bunch of relatable autism stuff starts coming up and a vid about the raads-r test comes up. so i do teh test and get high scores and i do a bunch more of those tests and keep getting high scores in them.. In my 3am haze i sent the quiz to my family gc because im almost positive that my dad has autism. But he had a partially open discussion about it with me the next morning, to be continued for when i wasnt late for school. when i finally gathered up the courage to tell my bsf from before that day that i scored high in these autism tests and i was kind of excited to maybe understand why im like this, because ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. ad autism can often be misdiagnosed for those two mental illnesses if you have been kind of traumatized as an autistic person. She told me that it probably isnt it. She old me that sh doesn't trust those autism tests and that i shouldnt just self diagnose and that the depression and anxiety is whats making me think that. It felt liek shit. becsue tehre is a lot of evidence towards me being autistic, alongside the teste there s also a bunch of symptoms and there is a link between autism and asexuality(im asexual) where in a population of people there is about 1% asexuals but in the autistic populations they were far more likely to be asexual or feel disgusted toward sexual penetration.

I know that i cant just self diagnose but im trying to figure out whats wrong with me and its not like im about to go around telling everyone im autistic becasue ive self diagnosed my depression and anxiety for years and have only told like three people, and even now that ive been diagnosed i haven't told anyone else. Im not doing this because its trendy, the trend has just made me aware of how many autistic traits i carry around with me. i was just finally happy that maybe im getting somewhere with figuring out my mental health.

I think im gonna tell my other friend from that group chat. she is so supportive and has suspicions that she is autisic too. So im going to send her a message, with a forewarning. I just want to talk to someone who is actually going to listen about what i have to say before throwing her opinion in. And the pure confusion i have relation to my inability to express and know what emotions im feeling, she knows i have trouble with expressing my emotions and talking about how i feel but she doesnt seem to realise the impact on me

The dumb part about my friend telling me not to self diagnose is that she has been telling EVERYONE that she has ADHD for 2 years, she even told us in a group convo when she was accusing someone else of being a pick me for pretending to have adhd, someone pointed oout to my frined that she kind of mentioned having adhd a lot aswell and my friend tells everyone that her therapist diagnosed her. she lied to us and Up until now she didnt say she didnt have adhd until shes trying to prove me wrong. She basically said that she cant say she has adhd just because she gets easily distracted.

I had fully supported her, when she claimed she had adhd, i believed her and did my won research, sending her videos which are supposed to help learning in a nuerotypical classroom easier. and all she does is tell me that those tests arent reliable. AT LEAST I ACTUALLY TOOK SOME TESTS INSTEAD OF PROPERLY SELF DIAGNOSING FOR YEARS AND BRAGGING ABOUT ADHD AND USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO INTERRUPT AND IGNORE PEOPLE.AND T

#am i autistic?#self diagnosed autism #non binary

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beaisdifferent · 5 months

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Autism: How Did I Know?

Autism is an interesting thing. In many ways it’s like ADHD, both being buried in my childhood, only to sprout up vines to tangle my steps and label me as different. But at the same time, it felt more intimate than the pieces of my brain making me wiggle and ignore. It was something I always held closer to my chest, and the true name of the feelings that always had me set aside from my peers.

Adults loved me for how I was a rule follower, my fellow children were frustrated with me for the way I was a goody two shoes who didn’t believe in bending the rules. At the same time, adults were often frustrated with me for how I would correct them in conversations, even those I wasn’t a part of, and for how particular I was about the clothes I would accept on my body and my reluctance to mingle with those my age, while other children would adopt me as their friend as someone who knew everything about Winx Club and Avatar the Last Airbender. It was a minefield, and I never knew where to step.

There were reasons for all of these quirks in behavior, but I didn’t know it. So as with ADHD, from a young age I internalized the lies that people pushed into my hands. I was a goody-two-shoes, I just refused to try new things, I was a know it all, I was picky, I was horribly sensitive, I was more mature than my peers yet couldn’t act my age, I was weird.

Weird was the label that followed me closer than all the rest. As I got older, I learned how to form a mask, to mimic my peers and be what the adults wanted to do. For the most part. But I couldn’t hide it all, and often I didn’t want to.

I knew my classmate didn’t care about Gregor the Overlander, but I wanted so badly to connect with someone and it was all I wanted to talk about. And it chased them away. I was weird.

Whenever I hugged someone, I would try to get their smell, everyone had their own smell and it was so fascinating. But of course I would get caught literally smelling people, and it was weird.

I had niche and obsessive interests, leading to my ability to quote the Princess Bride from start to finish (I’m not exaggerating) after I watched it every night for a week.

I feel like I’m not painting a complete enough picture here, but without listing out everything that was a symptom, you’ll just have to imagine an awkward, particular, sensitive, lonely little girl. I rocked myself, I covered my ears at noises others considered fine, I didn’t like looking people in the eye or being touched—all of it was weird.

Interestingly enough, my mom had once considered that I was autistic, based on my sensitivity to textures, and my echolalia, though she didn’t know that it had a name back then. But as most of us do, especially girls, I learned how to hide it and assimilate, and she forgot her suspicions. I remembered it though, but it only served as a reminder to me that I was weird enough to make my mom think there was something wrong with me. I must be really weird then.

Until the day I sat down with my family to watch a movie. Temple Grandin is the story of an autistic woman who revolutionizes the cattle industry. I’d seen autism portrayed in media before, most of it abhorrent, but this one struck differently. Because it struck home. I sat fixated, staring at the screen in shock, fascination, and maybe a little fear. It’s not easy to put into words. Maybe some of you can imagine what it’s like to feel always on the outside, to feel like you are wrong and to have no explanation for it, then to suddenly see yourself. Another one like you. To have a mirror held up and a thrown open in front of you, with only a word: autism.

I think I’m autistic, I thought to myself. I texted my now ex boyfriend. “I think I’m autistic.” He responded, “You’re not autistic, you’re just awkward.” I didn’t take it to heart this time. I started looking into it.

The more I searched, the more I saw, and the more the dots started to connect. I told my therapist about it, I told my mom about it, I started info-dumping all over the place. I didn’t have an official diagnoses, only calling myself “probably autistic.” But it was a helpful starting point to understanding some of my behaviors. Eventually, I wanted more definite answers and I went in for a professional assessment, and it wasn’t a hard puzzle to piece together for someone who actually knew what they were looking at. It was like when I first got my glasses as a child. I didn’t know how bad my sight was until I had my first pair in the Walmart outlet, and took in the supermarket in its clear, crisp, reasonably priced glory.

I’m not difficult, I’m autistic.

I’m not more or less mature, I’m autistic.

I’m not weird.

I’m autistic.

#autism #neurodivergent #asd #audhd

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rubyatarah · 1 year

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Content warning for car accident and general ranting!!! Dont read if you dont wanna! Literally just wanted to whine bc I am in a mood.

Im autistic and that’s fine but no one said anything until I got into a car accident two months ago and that traumatizing thing exacerbated my symptoms to the point of not being able to mask which makes sense I guess. I just never got that until now! Not to be like waah it took so long bc I’m 20 just a young gal. Um a lot of harm can be done ignoring shit for 20 years though lol! Anyway I am saying my whole life I have been praised and rewarded for my good behavior (oh YUCK) when I mask and alternately chastised for my poor time management, distractibility, fidgeting, auditory processing issues, just general needs, all that kinda stuff you know. That made me never realize I was masking and think instead that I was just doing what I was supposed to. All of those behaviors being incorrect or not appropriate has really been so fun to help me percieve myself as like the most bad annoying stinker. Grrrr anyways thankful for the weird things we learn about ourselves when shits hit fans. It’s making me think about my gpas throughout school years and be like ohhhhh that year was extra difficult for me because x. Not like parents divorce was hard :( like yeah but when it makes you have a hard time functioning in ableist life things it’s extra hard and you feel shitty for making it about yourself. But it iiiiiis about yourself. Ok thank you friends lots of love and happy days 🖤

Also! Adhd diagnosis when I was younger made it tricky trying to open my brain up to this idea because everything not neurotypical about me was always attention deficit, cptsd, depression, anxiety whatevers. So interesting I want to learn stuff but so much effort going to play a game on my phone for an hour

Also everyone in Alaska runs stop signs I think. That’s why my truck is totaled anyway. Now I see it everywhere. It was summer too! I can dig not being able to stop on ice it happens to the best of us but I’m sending that bitch 60mph straight into the ditch on dry ass roads. She’s so lucky I swerved and hit the rear door she was about to have her shit way more rocked if I had been eating or changing the music. I do be eating while I drive ok. Not anymore obviously lol who has a vehicle not me but miss girl had a big dog in the back of the car that ran off scared when my bumper tore the door clean off ?? Im like uhh I’ll see the dog home because you obviously aren’t trying to keep it safe. Unfit honestly. My sister was saying she hopes its not traumatized but if it becomes aggressive and bites her she had it coming. That’s not nice I appreciate it though. Anyhow I was hitting the brakes and broke my metatarsal and sprained my ankle when my front end smashed in and it was such a pretty old tacoma!!! Have you ever smelled 20 year old airbags broken exhaust and coolant frying all at the same time in that small of a cab I am telling you I thought it was certain death. Being stuck in there was so scary but nice firefighter helped me get out. Anyways I have complex ptsd whats another incident. Every night my elbows and shoulders and neck start hurting its so dumb. I want to go back to climbing all the time and stuff

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hello-nichya-here · 2 years

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As an autistic person and a Zuko fan, what do you feel about the people who headcanon Zuko as autistic to infantilize him?

YOU OPENED THE FLOOD GATES, MY FRIEND!

I hate it more than words could possibly describe, especially because I know that if Zuko were a real person, they'd be annoyed that he didn't magically stop being traumatized/disabled/mentally ill after getting a hug from all of them. And hate it even more that I just know that ten years ago (or less) those same people would armchair-diagnose Azula as autistic and deliberately misinterpret the "Lack of empathy" thing as proof that she is "broken beyond repair."

And the worst part is that I do see quite a few autistc traits in both of them (which would make even more sense since they're siblings and autism is genetic), so it's not even "the fandom making shit up to coddle Zuko and demoniza Azula yet again", but rather "More neurotypicals telling me that anyone who is like me should either be treated like a toddler or as a serial killer in the making."

"Autistic" isn't the only label these fuckers use to infantilize Zuko though. They do the same by claiming he has depression and PTSD - or rather, that he has the hollywood version of it, in which he is a poor, sad little boy, but that never shows any of the ugly/unpleasant symptoms of mental illness/trauma because that wouldn't allow them to sanitize and romanticize those conditions. They go as far as acting like Zuko wasn't constantly struggling with his temper, that he didn't unfairly lash out a people, and that the condition that would EASILY fit him the most is not anger issues - because that still has a much bigger stigma around it. That's the "wife-beater desease" or "abusive father desease." Surely their innocent, awkward little turtleduck would never be one of those people who are "monsters from the moment they're born" *rolls eyes*

Meanwhile, Azula gets labeled as a "psychopath" and narcisist (two diagnosis that could also be easily applied to Zuko if we use the same hyper vague criteria most people use when diagnosing Azula) because these are the disorders that make you "evil." She is also labeled as having schzophrenia because "scary crazy girl", and the fact that she shows signs of trauma and severe anxiety can never be acknowledged because that would mean she's human, and we can't have that. We also can't have Azula finding love with anyone. Zuko can be shipped with everyone and their mothers (literally) and have all of his trauma and mental illeness magically healed by his partner, but Azula can only be "shipped" with therapy.

But the thing that is just depressing is that this kind of deeply ableist reading of the characters isn't solely a fandom problem - Bryke and Yang validated that in the comics. Zuko, the guy who nearly froze to death because he just had to act immediately and go capture the Avatar in the middle of a snow storm, is now incapable of making any decision and is always hesitating and paralyzed with fear. Azula is sent to an asylum to be abused so badly that she develops a split personality (aka the desease hollywood says make you a serial killer that isn't aware they are a serial killer because it was their other personality that commited all the attrocities) and her family even gets a "normal" and "perfect" little girl to compensate them for the "burden" they had to deal with for so long.

And remember: those comics that comepletely negate Zuko's agency and helped fuel the gross belief that Azula is "too dangerous to be rehabilitated/keep her bending/be left alive" are meant to be an extension of the universe of AVATAR, THE LAST AIRBENDER - a show that has it's main conflict start because Sozin wanted to help the other nations, and did so by treating them like completely incapable of knowing what was best for them, and then when they rejected his "help" he decided that maybe they didn't deserve to be treated with any kind of decensy, or to even be allowed to live after all. HOW did Bryke miss the point of their own story so badly?

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asexual-abomination · 3 years

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Hi 🥺 I saw requests were open? Could you maybe do platonic Phantom Troupe with the reader having echolalia? If the troupe is too much, maybe just Chrollo and Feitan? Thank you in advance 🥺

Thank you so much for this request! I had a lot of fun writing it!

I know that echolalia and a lot of other symptoms show up differently in different people, so I had to base this on my own experience, and I have a tendency to echo literally anything, words, sounds, rhythms, anything.

I decided to have this take place in a scenario where reader copies each member individually!

Chrollo

Probably the one who has read up on any and all of your symptoms, since he considers it his responsibility to be educated on your needs

When, after you happened to be sat in a meeting with the Troupe, you began muttering to yourself, he wanted to see if you were alright

As he walked up to after, hoping to speak with you, he was surprised to see you repeating a seemingly innocuous phrase from somewhere in the middle of the meeting

Chrollo would recognize this as a stim, but he wouldn’t understand immediately why you would be stimming something he randomly said

He would be a bit thrown off when your explanation is very simple, telling him that it just sounded right, felt right in your brain

He wouldn’t tell a soul, but a little part of him was proud that you found his voice that nice to listen to that you’d imitate it for fun

He definitely doesn’t mind, and even encourages any stimming in general, since he can see that it makes you happy

Machi

While most of her medical training is in more physical things, after it was mentioned that you were autistic, she decided to go and top up her knowledge of neurodivergency.

At one point during a mission, she murmured to herself to remember a safe’s code, not realizing that she was within earshot of you

Several hours after the mission was over and everyone was celebrating the spoils of victory, she overheard you repeating the code to yourself over and over again

She expressed her confusion to you, reminding you that the mission was over and there was no need for the code anymore

When your response was to tell her that the code simply sounded nice, she would probably get confused for a moment

Machi doesn’t quite understand how some random string of numbers can ‘sound nice’ but she also knows that your brain functions differently from hers

I don’t see her making too big a deal out of it, but she’d actually make a sly comment about how much you listen to her

Other than that, she happy to let you stim as you please!

Phinks

Probably not educated at all about the intricacies of your stimming or any symptoms in general, but he'll never get upset with you, since he understands on some level that it's just how you are

I'd imagine that the way you'd echo from him miiight come from overhearing him death threatening a scared hostage

Definitely spooks him when he hears you mumbling the harshest and longest string of curses he's ever heard

Mostly because you're spitting the words with the exact same tone as he did, and he thinks that you're trying to threaten him

(He doesn't wanna mess with you 😆)

When he finally figures out that you're copying him, he jumps to the next conclusion that you're mocking him

"What? Am I not intimidating to you? I sure scared that scum back there!"

"What are you talking about?"

His face when you explain yourself to him is nothing short of flustered, and he begins profusely apologizing

He gets super caught up whenever he's accidentally ableist, since he wants you to feel safe around him

Once you've cleared up the situation, he actually takes joy in seeing you copy him, and if he gets the chance he'll want to teach you how to be more intimidating

Uvogin

Another case of not really knowing what stims are, but being respectful of them anyway

I mean, man is literally eight feet tall, he doesn't care about whatever weird things anyone else might do

He roars at the back of his throat once, and that's it

When he's walking past you after a mission, Uvo's almost shocked to hear you making a vague growling noise constantly

Since he likes to lean into his animal side a bit more than others, he'll jokingly ask if you're trying to intimidate him, much like Phinks

When you explain to him to you thought that his roar was fun enough to copy, he also takes an odd sense of pride in it

He's not normally a man for any kind of subtlety, but if you actually found his roars pleasing to listen to, he'll see if he can roar at a volume that won't immediately burst your eardrums without protection or distance

If you do a lot of vocal stimming in general, especially imitation of his roars, I can see him taking you out to some mountain or cave or whatever to practice your roar for some fun bonding

Nobunaga

Okay so we know that he spends plenty of time around Machi, so she's probably explained some of the main symptoms of your autism at some point when he asked

But when he sits next to you and hears you trying to imitate the sounds that his sword makes when he charges it with his Nen, he looks at you incredulously for a moment

You may not have even noticed that you were echoing at first, so you'll probably be confused when you see him looking at you

"Oh, sorry, your sword just sounds nice!"

*Cue even further confusion from him*

Completely doesn't get how a sword sounds nice, but kind of has this "You do you, kid" attitude about it

May or may not invite you to listen to his practice and then wait until afterwards to listen for your echoes because he finds it cute

Shizuku

Okay I'm gonna be honest, when Blinky first appeared in show and made that noise, I was taken and kept trying to make the same noise for hours whenever it appeared

"Shizuku, why did you summon Blinky? Is something wrong?"

"What are you talking about? I didn't summon them?"

"Oh that was me, sorry."

Definitely has a giggle about it when she finds that you enjoy echoing her Nen ability

Will summon Blinky whenever you want to 'have a chat' with them

Very openly thinks you're absolutely adorable with it, and it's one of the first things she'll do every time she gets to see you

Shalnark

Honestly, he says everything with such a happy, upbeat tone, anything he says can be copied for fun

His laugh is the best, so you're probably echoing that

He's probably not too shocked when he hears an attempt his own laugh coming from down the hallway, thinking someone's trying to play a prank on him

But he'll be a little confused when he finds you

When you reveal the truth of what you were doing, oh god, be prepared

"Aww, you like my voice that much??"

"You do a pretty good impression of me, must spend a lot of time listening, huh?"

He WILL NOT stop until he gets to see you blush, though if he does overstep and upset you, he'll tone it back down immediately

Might not change anything especially big with his usual way of talking, but will take a moment to appreciate his own voice whenever he catches you imitating him

Bonolenov

THE MUSIC!!

Okay I know that they're mainly used for battle and injuring people's ears, but he definitely has more calm songs that he plays for his friends

When you first hear it, the tunes are so enchanting that you will be humming or whistling it for weeks afterwards

He's sitting and relaxing when he hears you attempting to hum the tune of a sweet lullaby he had once played for the Troupe

It's probably not a perfect replication, since it takes a while to learn the songs he makes, but it makes his heart melt to think that you want to try your hand at his beloved music

When he overhears you, he jumps in to begin gushing about the song you found so lovely

Asking if you'd like to hear it again - he'd certainly love to play it for you again!

He might seem really overexcited, but he's genuinely happy that he can bring you joy with his ability

Franklin

Took me a moment to think of something for him, but after a while of thinking:

He speaks slowly and calmly quite often, so I can imagine that he can sometimes say things in very rhythmic fashion, which will catch on very quick

You're walking away from a quick chat with him, when he hears you whispering under your breath

Normally wouldn't even make a note of it, but he wants to make sure you're okay

(Definitely isn't worried about you and wanting to keep you safe)

His reaction when you tell him that you liked the way that he said something is a mix between "Oh, that's nice" and "What are you on about"

Has probably the least amount of education on stimming, but also one of the most open to learning, since he wants to do what he can to keep those he cares about safe and happy

Will be a bit put off by the way you seem to copy him at first, but definitely doesn't mind after a while

Silently thanks you for making him take a moment to appreciate his own voice

Pakunoda

Sweetheart hums a meteor city anthem one day, and isn't really shocked when she comes upon you humming it yourself

Since she's looked into your mind with her ability, she knows the way that you like to echo certain sounds, and doesn't mind at all

If she's listening from around a corner or such, she will smile joyfully and quietly wait out of your sight

Unless you catch her in the act, she's actually quite happy to not let you know of presence while she enjoys the thought of you enjoying her culture

But, if you do catch her, she'll probably start gushing to you about the origin of whichever song you wanted to imitate

She wants you to feel happy, however you wish to pursue that, and will absolutely hype you up in any sort of stimming you need to do

Whether you want her to ignore your echoing, or to join in whenever she hears, she's happy to do whatever you ask to keep you happy

Feitan

If he catches you copying something he said in broken language, at first he will assume that you were making fun of him

Not because he thinks that you're mean spirited, just because he's used to people mocking

With most members of the Troupe, he would show no mercy at this point, but since he actually likes you, you get one chance to explain yourself

Once you tell him about why you're copying him, he'll be seriously confused for a moment

Yeah he's never heard the word echolalia before

So you'll have to explain it to him

Probably doesn't immediately get it, but he lets you off the hook for it, since he does understand that you're very different from him and the others

Doesn't really think too much of it once you've cleared up that you aren't mocking him, although he finds it interesting to listen to you talking about how stimming works, even when he doesn't understand half of it

Kortopi

Actually another case that assumes that you're mocking him

He's used to being acknowledged as a weak link in the Troupe, and would get quite internally upset if he thought you were also in on the joke

I can't explain why I think this, but I actually see him as one of the most educated members of the group when it comes to any sort of neurodiversity, since I think he's neurodivergent himself, but he probably doesn't catch on immediately that this stems from your own autism

Wouldn't confront you straight away, but when he does, he tries to be as professional as possible about it

Cue a string of quiet apologies when you explain yourself

Quickly tries to explain himself to you, and you probably bond over how annoying it can be to have stimming misunderstood

Tries his best to let you know from then on that any symptoms you need to express are accepted around him, since he knows that you accept him as well

-----

Thanks for reading!

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pomegranategay · 3 years

Text

So let's have a talk about self-diagnosis!

I just got formally diagnosed with autism today, but I've known I was autistic for years. I started doing research after I found out my sensory overload and meltdowns and shutdowns were not, in fact, the norm, and when I read about autism and the symptoms and signs it made so much sense.

And when I talked about it to my mom, and brought up my suspicions, she freaked out and told me I wasn't autistic. That was nearly five years ago.

Over the years, I did more and more research, read posts by autistic people about their experiences, watched videos. I became close friends with one of my mutuals, @pyrose-the-flame, who is autistic and has ADHD, and we talked about our experiences and through all of it I saw so much of my own life in these snippets of other people's lives. But I never really felt comfortable calling myself autistic because I wasn't diagnosed.

And I knew that the vast majority of the autistic community are accepting of self-diagnosis, because it can be really hard to get a diagnosis. It's harder if you're older, if you're not white, if you weren't assigned male at birth, if you don't have the financial ability to get diagnosed, if there's nowhere in your area that has professionals that can diagnose you. There's so many barriers to diagnosis. And I was accepting of everyone who self diagnosed, with the sole exception being me, which was frustrating. I felt like I couldn't speak to anyone about my experiences or suspicions, especially after the extreme reaction my mom had had. I felt like if I opened up about it again I would just be shot down. I had a notebook full of the DSM-V criteria for autism with notes and examples of how I experienced each of my symptoms. I fully expected to have to defend myself with sword in hand and prove to everyone that I was autistic, and that I wasn't lying or uneducated.

But then I started opening up to people in my life about it. My lovely boyfriend @crossedjuxtapose, my friends. They all basically just paused for a minute and went, "Yeah that makes sense." I was so flabbergasted, and so grateful to be taken at my word about it. Even the professional who diagnosed me didn't grill me, just asked questions, listened to my answers and examples, and at the end of the hour she told me that I had a very textbook case of autism spectrum disorder and to email her if I needed paperwork for accommodations.

I actually spoke to my friend and roommate about how I'd gotten diagnosed after my appointment had ended. And he told me how his mom, who teaches neurodivergent children for a living, after I had left their house, had turned to him and asked him if I was autistic. It was so comforting to hear that my experiences weren't invisible to other people, that other people could tell and wouldn't disbelieve me.

I texted my mom after my appointment today and she was very shocked. She questioned how knowledgeable the professional that diagnosed me was, what their credentials were. She asked me "So? What do we do for that???" She said that I must have "a very mild case," that I was "totally functional," despite the fact that I am literally dropping out of college because I cannot function in such an unstructured environment. It was discouraging. I know she didn't intend any harm, but it felt like she still didn't believe me, like I still wasn't being taken seriously about the way my mind works.

The point of all my disjointed rambling is, I am incredibly fortunate and privileged to have been able to be diagnosed. But my psychiatric nurse practitioner, as wonderful as she is, didn't speak my autism into existence. It was already there, for my whole life. And I should have been taken seriously about it from the moment I said I had suspicions. Self-diagnosis really needs to be destigmatized. Even if people who self-diagnose end up being wrong, they clearly experience some of the symptoms of autism and have common experiences there, and benefit greatly from the resources the autistic community provides. There is no harm in self-diagnosis, none at all.

So to all the people who might be reading this who are self-diagnosed and unsure of themselves, I love you, and I believe you. You don't have to explain anything. You don't owe an official diagnosis to anyone. There's no official paper or membership card, there's no complimentary chicken nuggets. Really the only reason to get a diagnosis is if you need school or workplace accommodations, or if you just want one and can do it. But please know that you don't need one. You are allowed to speak about your experiences and take up space in autistic communities. And anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit and can eat my sword. <3

#actually autistic #actually autism #autism spectrum disorder #self diagnosis #self diagnosed autism #actually asd #autism #neurodivergent #i wish there were complimentary chicken nuggets im hungry now

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xcherry-popx · 3 years

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if its not too weird to ask, could you write some posts abt rad + asd (either one or both/abt comorbidity)? cuz i wanna find more info abt them & i saw stuff saying asd/rad cmrbidity was impossible too & think i may have both. i have zero access to mental health help atm and will for a pretty long time so im just doing what i can as i wait, document my symptoms and stuff and try to cope, for now. (btw im saying this 2 clarify tht im not trying to be invasive or out of curiosty. sry its so long)

It's no problem! Honestly, I'm excited to hear about someone like me, with how uncommon it is. No need to worry about it being long, because my answer ended up long as well ^-^;;

I wrote this quicker than I expected, so please forgive any mistakes, and feel free to ask for clarification.

I’m mostly going to use the term ‘RAD’ (reactive attachment disorder), but a lot of this information applies to DAD (disinhibited attachment disorder) as well. I was diagnosed when they were still grouped together as RAD.

If any information does not apply to both, I’ll specify the differences between them.

First off: there is no reason autism and RAD can’t be comorbid. Now, most psychologist insist that they cannot exist together, but this is outdated. Unfortunatly, because RAD is so uncommon, very little discussion occurs, and thus any progress in understanding the disorder takes a bit of time.

Fortunately, some discussion has begun. This study is one from 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27895198/

As of now, it’s the only scholarly discussion, but hopefully that will change in time.

Essentially, autism is something you’re born with, while Reactive Attachment Disorder is the result of severe neglect or mistreatment.

The study found that several children diagnosed with RAD met the criteria for autism. The difference in children with autism and RAD vs children with only RAD can be distinguished by focusing on traits specific to autism.

That’s actually how I first suspected I had both: I looked through several diagnosis lists and checked whether I had symptoms exclusive to each list.

One of the current diagnostic criteria for RAD and DAD is that the child cannot also be diagnosed with autism. This is because RAD, and later, DAD, were often used to explain ‘autistic-like behavior’ in children who either did not show signs of autism early on, or who experienced severe mistreatment.

The main reason this is outdated is because it relies on the belief that autistic individuals do not form attachments to caregivers, which many autistic people will tell you is false. That all relates back to the idea that because autistic people show affection differently, they do not feel it the way allistic people do, which is, again, false.

It’s often difficult to get an RAD diagnosis, much less one along with an autism diagnosis. However, it’s not impossible, although for me it involved two different diagnosises that my grandma and I realized made most sense together.

Under the cut, I’m going to talk more generally about RAD and DAD as well as about my experiences.

You said you don't have much access to mental health help, but I felt I should include this next segment anyways.

Attachment therapy, one of the most well-known treatments, is harmful. I would suggest avoiding it. It goes against attachment theory, the basis of RAD. I don’t say this to scare you, but it is coercive and has resulted in death in some cases. You can look into it yourself, but it is rather sickening for me, so please take care if you do so.

While most advice involves making sure the child has an emotionally available ‘attachment figure’, usually a caretaker, that assumes you would want someone to connect to that way.

As someone with inhibited type RAD, I always struggled when people asked if I wanted to be closer to my grandma. To me, we were like strangers, maybe coworkers. I didn't want to open up to her, and so I still don’t.

I believe that, while it’s nice to have a friendly relationship with caretakers, it’s not necessary. For me, it’s always been more important to have friends I can open up to.

Don’t feel pressured to form an emotionally intimate relationship if you don’t want to or feel ready for it. I still don’t think I’m close to my grandma, but we feel like acquaintances now, and that’s enough for me. You don’t have to force a relationship, but don’t be afraid if you want to start one.

Of course, you may have different experiences, or be in a different place with your caretakers, but since I've struggled with that aspect I wanted to talk about it.

Most treatment for RAD is under the assumption that the child is young, which I assume you are not. In general, I suggest finding people you can trust, if you don’t have them already. I don’t want to make too many assumptions here, so if you want more specific advice feel free to ask me.

While RAD is the result of mistreatment such as abuse or neglect, it’s rare even among those who have experienced such things. There’s some debate on why it occurs, and I believe many theories suggest disposition can make one susceptible? But I’m not entirely certain on that front. Also, I’d like to clarify one thing. While most criteria says the mistreatment must begun before age five, it’s not necessary. What happened to me was when I was 11, and it changed me enough that I gained a official diagnosis of RAD a few years later. What matters is how it affected you, not when it occurred.

Now, I’ve mentioned there’s a difference between RAD and DAD, but I haven’t specified what it is. I'll explain that, but to do so I need to talk about how they form.

The basis of RAD and DAD is what’s called attachment theory. This states that young children need strong bond with at least one caregiver to develop. The bonds with their caregivers dictate how their attachment style forms. However, RAD and DAD have their own types of attachment, referred to as inhibited attachment and disinhibited attachment.

They used to both be classified as RAD, separated under the categories ‘inhibited type’ and ‘disinhibited type’.

Many people with inhibited or disinhibited type will show signs of both, but can usually be classified as one or the other. I am inhibited type, but when I was younger I showed signs of disinhibited type in places such as school.

Inhibited attachment is what’s known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. It’s more common in mistreated children. This type is when a child avoids or ignores caregivers, often not showing affection unless convinced to.

Disinhibted attachment is what’s now known as Disinhibited Attachment Disorder. This is more common in children in institutions or group homes. This type shows affection to any and all adults. They are quick to trust strangers. When my grandma worked in foster care, she had some children who, after less than a day of meeting her, would cling to her leg and beg her to take them home.

In this case, inhibited types struggle to form attachments, while disinhibited types will form attachments quickly and easily, with no preference towards their caregivers.

I think that’s all for official information, so I'll talk a bit about my experiences with RAD.

Honestly, it’s isolating. It’s often seen as something that happens to children, and no one talked about adults with it. There’s numerous psychologists who’ll misdiagnose it in foster teens for not showing affection to adoptive parents ‘the way theyʻre supposed to’. Many people treat people with RAD or DAD as ‘psychopaths’, and there’s numerous times I’ve seen it listed as ‘terrifying’, even among the social workers that meet kids with it.

It's discouraging. But I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. I’d be happy to talk to you about your experiences, and share my own. I have hope that people will begin to recognize this disorder despite how uncommon it is, and see it for what it is.

In any case, I hope you are able to find the diagnosis you need, even if it doesn’t turn out to be this one. I wish you the best of luck!

#rad #reactive attachment disorder #disinhibited attachment disorder #i feel like ive said this repeatedly but. feel free to reach out! im happy to help in any way i can

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pastamic · 4 years

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So I’ve seen quite a few posts complaining about the way Entrapta was treated by the Princesses, particularly with a lot of vitriol towards Mermista. I know a lot of us who are neurodivergent are really excited about Entrapta as a character because she’s autistic coded and a lot of us can really relate to her. I think a lot of us are also, and rightfully so, very defensive of the way these types of characters are treated because they get treated honestly so badly by show creators and other characters in their series more often than not, and that’s totally reasonable. If you’re uncomfortable with the way she was treated in regards to what I’m about to talk about I’m in no way saying you can’t still be uncomfortable about this because this is just my opinion and the way I saw it as one touch-averse ND person. To preface this I have not received an autism diagnoses, but I have an ADHD diagnoses and have started to suspect that I might be autistic as well (though it’s hard to tell with the overlapping symptoms.) My fiance is autistic and also has ADHD and has agreed with me on several of these points.

[id: Screenshot of Mermista pulling Entrapta’s hair while they approach Horde Prime’s spire in season 5. Caption reads “I’m sorry I’m bad at listening!” end id]

This scene, which a lot of people had an issue with. I had an issue with it at first too bc like pulling peoples hair is generally like not okay! Though the situation was very stressful and dire and Mermista was under a lot of stress. I think this episode was actually particularly important because it showed Entrapta’s issues with feelings and people (like not realizing they were all upset with her) and the stress and residual resentment from fighting on opposite sides and the issues that the other princesses had with understanding Entrapta with a resolution that got talked through. Something that in my personal experience is really important for everyone, but especially ND people and people with mental illnesses. Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen and they all talked it through and I thought it was very sweet.

But, the hair pulling (and the weird leash thing that Perfuma made with vines but that’s a whole post on it’s own and I’m not gonna get into it)

Now like I said I thought it was kinda shitty at first, but thanks to quarantine and depression I’ve re-watched spop probably fifteen times now and I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern.

Most of us have already noticed that Entrapta uses her hair as hands for stuff

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta leaning over in Hordak’s lab and shaping one of her pigtails into a hand. Caption reads “Failure is a vital part of scientific endeavor.” end id]

Like literal hands

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta standing in Darla’s doorway holding her tools with her hair and making a suggestive face. end id]

It’s her superpower, and while the other princesses do use their powers as a bit of an extension of themselves, for Entrapta her hair is straight up another body part/limb for her. Tbh if I had hair like that I would use it for literally everything and never touch shit with my hands.

I think I’ve seen people point this out to an extent before but I noticed that Entrapta never really reaches out to touch anybody with her actual hands with the exception of Hordak.

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta smiling in the Fright Zone squishing Catra’s cheeks with her hair. Caption reads “Hi, Catra. I saved your life. You’re welcome.” end id]

When she convinces Hordak to send Catra to the Crimson Waste instead of to Beast Island she like grabs her cheeks with her hair, and again in season 5 she pats Catra on the head when she tells her she forgives her.

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta and Hordak in Hordak’s lab. Entrapta is using her hair to hold out Hordak’s arms in a T-pose. Caption reads “And you’re really way too obsessed with this whole failure thing.” end id]

And when she’s talking about Hordak’s disability and brainstorming about his suit. I actually chose both of the above screenshots because I thought at first that she only used her hair in place of her hands because her hands always had her tablet in them but both of her hands are free in these scenes, though one could argue that she needs to use her hair to reach Hordak’s hands, she could lift herself up with her hair if she really wanted to reach out with her hands.

Actually there’s a point in Season 3, episode 4 where she straight up just scratches her hair with the Shera sword so I’m not even sure she has feeling in her hair???

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta in Hordak’s lab scratching her head with the Shera sword. Caption reads “I’m not sure if we just need the sword or if we need She-Ra, too.” end id]

She’s scratching her head with a big fuck off sword so I think that we can infer two things from that: that she can’t really feel much through her hair, and that her hair is like durable as fuck. Considering she lifts herself up by her hair a ton I’d imagine it’s not attached to her scalp in quite the same sensitive way that like non-magic hair would be.

So I think it makes sense, and might be a respect of her boundaries, to reach for her hair over her hand if they need to keep her from going somewhere. You could argue that grabbing someone in general is a disrespect of boundaries, and in a lot of cases it can be, but in the case of a battle or dangerous mission grabbing someone isn’t really out of the ordinary. We see it with the Best Friends Squad a lot, but also with Scorpia and like literally everyone she’s around.

When Hordak saves Entrapta from the portal exploding we do see him grab her by the hand, but it’s continuously established that Entrapta exhibits way more intimacy with him than with pretty much anyone else. She allows touch from others and doesn’t seem bothered by it, but Hordak is the person she most consistently reaches out to in regards to touch.

[id: Screenshot of Bow kissing Entrapta’s pigtail like it’s her hand. end id]

When Bow first officially meets Entrapta he kisses her pigtail like it’s her hand, which by the way is just super adorable I love fanboy Bow, but it’s not just Bow. Catra and Scorpia also mainly interact with Entrapta through her hair.

Whenever someone needs to interact with Entrapta in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. When Entrapta needs to interact with others in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. Entrapta’s hair is like another set (sets?? She can split her hair up a lot) of hands. So I don’t think it’s as rough of a treatment as people are making it out to be. It’s not like pulling a non-magic person’s hair. Entrapta’s hair is magic and she uses it in place of her hands near constantly. It’s not like pulling someone else’s hair because Entrapta’s hair is her power, it’s an extension of herself in a way that other’s hair is not.

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with Mermista (or others) pulling Entrapta’s hair if that makes you uncomfortable, especially if you’re neurodivergent as many of us have experiences of people completely disregarding our bodily autonomy and infantilizing us in a way that’s frustrating and harmful, but (and I’m not gonna name names bc this isn’t meant to be a discourse post and I’ve seen it a lot) demonizing Mermista for pulling her hair in a high stress situation when she’s struggling with leadership already and Entrapta is seemingly ignoring her orders to do whatever for the sake of science. Though we find out that’s not the case, Mermista doesn’t know that at first and was intending to keep Entrapta from putting herself or the rest of the team in danger which is a foundation of leadership responsibility.

Should she have tried to be more understanding of Entrapta and actually try to communicate frankly that she was mad instead of assuming that Entrapta would realize it on her own? Absolutely, especially as a leader. But she’s new to leadership and that’s like half of what that episode was about, and people make mistakes, especially with communication. That’s something that I think spop as a show handles really well. People make mistakes, people do things they regret, and people struggle with things like communicating and boundaries even when they have the best of intentions. What matters is that it’s talked out, apologized for, resolved, etc. I’m ND myself, and I’m friends with a lot of neurodivergent people and miscommunications happen A LOT even with like the base knowledge that we need to speak bluntly, clearly, and honestly in order to be understood. Sometimes even when you’re blunt and honest and open things still get miscommunicated. I definitely think the princesses infantilize Entrapta far too much, but I don’t think the hair pulling is as much of an issue as I’ve seen people make it out to be and I definitely don’t think Mermista is some Vile Bitch (tm) for doing what she did.

(Also I took all these screenshots myself please appreciate that I spent like two hours combing through spop episodes to find them djsfjklds)

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rasp-passion-two · 3 years

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Hello, sorry if this is annoying but can you explain how Himiko is neurodivirgent, I don't mean to come off as rude or anything, I just don't know much about the topic and am curious? Sorry to cause any trouble.

It’s absolutely not any trouble!! I love talking about how Himiko shows signs of being neurodivergent. It hits close to home specifically since not only is she one of my favorite characters, but I relate to her a lot. Okay, this might be a bit long, so sorry about that lol:

So in case you don’t know exactly what it is, neurodiversity is when mentally your brain is wired differently than normal, or “neurotypical”, peoples brains. Especially with considerably easy functions like socialising, thinking, learning, developing or ageing, and many others. Many disorders can fall under the neurodiversity spectrum. ADHD, BPD, autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, dyslexia, and many others.

Personally, I think Himiko would fall into the category of being autistic, which has a lot going into it, but can be summed up as a developmental disorder that involves delays in communication, thinking, social situations, and basic human understanding.

Though there is a thread on Twitter that does a good job covering certain criterias that I won’t end up covering (her lack of understanding of social cues, development delays, the reason why she’s depressed, etc.) and it’s really good!!

Below, I’ll list the traits that, in my opinion, Himiko possesses that are common in ND people. Not all of them will be listed, just the bigger ones:

Talking in a slow, almost “emotionless” way

Himiko talks a certain way throughout the whole of the game, rarely ever changing even when she’s expressing very strong emotions. From the very first line she speaks, Himiko talks about something exciting to her, but still sounds very flat and unenthused. Most ND people will always speak in the same tone of voice no matter what. Sometimes, it's very flat and monotone, like Himikos. Sometimes they'll speak slowly either to gather together what they want to say next, or that's just how they were wired to speak. (Almost exactly like Jataro from DR:AE who speaks in a similar way. Who also has a few neurodivergent traits. But that's just a theory c:)

Childish behavior

This usually ranges, but Himiko has a few traits that neurodivergent people have that others consider “too childish”. She’s extremely naive in how she perceives the world, people around her, and their intentions with interacting with her. Like when Kaito asked her to bring her a crossbow of all things and it takes little for her to be convinced to assist him. Or when Kokichi makes fun of her, and she doesn't always gets it. She's sometimes able to understand, but mostly she doesn't understand that he's just taking advantage of her innocence to treat her how he does with others. She takes things everyone says at face value and believes them easily. Her peers consider her to be a bit slow in many areas, almost in a childlike way. She almost has a child-level understanding of vocabulary (i.e. pronounces words the way children do like how the way she says magic almost sounds like “myagic”, her vocabulary is pretty limited, and she usually starts using certain words that she hears others use). When having her Master brought up with the possibility that he left her selfishly and that she was better than him, she always denies it, keeping an innocent mentality so she won’t feel too bad. After being motivated to move forward, she’s seen a lot to want to be helpful to the group and do something useful, and in return they, in my opinion, view that behavior how older people view a child wanting to be helpful to them. The thread above goes more into detail (her bathroom issues, having a unique way of remembering and referring to objects), but these are only some of the examples for Himiko's maturity.

Being a “gifted child” when she was young

This is entirely my speculation since this is never addressed in canon, but Himiko strikes me as a former “gifted child” which most NDs go through. Her “gift” was discovered at a young age and she was really skilled at it. She was known for it by huge masses of people and praised for it. She even had to save the person who saw the talent in her and taught her everything she knows about it when he made a mistake. She gets invited to all types of events because of it. Lot’s of ND kids who were thought of as “gifted'' may have gone through the same thing. It would also explain why she’s so depressed and unmotivated through most of the game, as a result of what’s called “gifted child syndrome”. Having so much praise and expectations set on her so young. Getting older and not having the same energy for it as you had before. Technically all the DR kids are former gifted children, since they're the product of a company exploiting their "gifts", which is a factor in how the world ended in the way it was. But Himiko has more, you could say "traditional" symptoms and after-effects of growing up as a gifted child (depressed, lack of motivation, lack of motivation in her subject, etc.).

Being viewed as lazy

Even though she takes what she's passionate about seriously, less than when she was younger or not, Himiko doesn't always take action with magic, and even everyday tasks. ND people usually lack any sort of drive, sometimes having an “I’ll come back to it later” mentality, excited about it or not. Himiko lacks any drive and motivation throughout the game, even at the idea of being killed, or put in the line of suspicion for someone's killer. She’ll always make excuses on why she can’t act on things, the most common being “she doesn’t have enough MP”. Which goes back to her talent as a magician, which she is especially sluggish in.

Bottling in her emotions and not wanting them to show. But when she does, it results in an on-going meltdown

We all saw it in its prime during the end of the third trial after all, right? Himiko was sort of always closed in, but it wasn't extreme since she hadn't hit her lowest yet. When she did though, (being the prime suspect of Ryoma dying, her closest friends Tenko and Angie dying, being one of the suspects of one of their murders, etc.) She still attempted to hold it all in, which ND people do for a variety of reasons (not knowing how to process extreme emotions, not wanting too much attention by expressing them, or choosing unhealthy ways to process your feelings, amongst others). But once Kokichi called her out for the second time? Not only was everything practically gushing out of her face, but she literally passed out from crying for so long. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that myself, ha.

The same thing happened in the last trial kind of. Once the truth of the killing game and their identities is revealed, she seems to have a meltdown. It could be from the overwhelmingness of the situation. It could be the amount of "change" of the situation, which she doesn't even remember. It could also be overstimulating tones with the change in environment, the info dumping, and how everyone jumped from topic to topic etc. Meltdowns are normal for ND people, especially since they usually hold in their feelings. Himiko got better at expressing herself, but meltdowns will still happen once something overwhelming occurs (it's a great way to let out steam!!)

Stimming

Stimming is when someone, ND or not, self-stimulates themselves by repeatedly moving in some way either by speaking, moving either themselves or something else, or watching someone else do it. Most of the time, you can see Himiko fidgeting with her fingers or with her hat. Doing something with her hands, which is a form of stimming

Despite that, Himiko most noticeably stims by speaking, as she sometimes repeats stuff others say, sometimes repeats a word in order to comfort herself and her beliefs (saying “it’s magic” over and over, either in retaliation or in general), and has a go-to word that she’ll always use almost every sentence when she doesn’t know what to say, is caught off guard/by surprise, or just when she starts and ends her sentences (y’know like, “nyeh”?).

“Odd” facial features/expressions

This one presents itself a lot in the game and through her design as well. Her lip stays tucked out all the time, her eyes don’t always stay open, and her face often keeps the same expression (tired and kind of bored). Just like when she speaks, even when she's expressing intense emotions, she'll keep a mellow expression. She lifts her hat into the air and not much changes expression-wise. She'll be accusatory to someone and not much changes expression-wise. To certain people she interacts with, they think her face is "weird" since it'll pull in ways it usually doesn't for NT people. It could be because she's trying to force the look on herself so it's more easier for people to read (which is shown to be the case for most people), but it's also possible that it's just how she looks. Since she's older, she has more freedom to make more strategies to have more natural expressions, but it's still off-putting to some of her peers.

The infamous saying, “she comes off as annoying”

Many people know this one well, and Himiko is no different, especially in the earlier chapters. Almost everything stated above is a factor that plays in people's disdain for Himiko, in the game and the fandom. Characters like Shuichi, Kaede, Tenko, and even Angie are one of the only few people who try to understand and adjust to Himiko's behavior in their own method, while everyone else either ignores her, doesn’t take her seriously, or even end up bullying her because of it, not willing to adjust themselves for her specific brand of behavior. Being an obvious target, coming off as weird, being too blunt and coming off as rude (which even caused her having strained relationships with K1-B0, Miu, etc.), sometimes hyperfixating too hard on magic (her “special interest”), all seem to be a reason for people thinking she’s too high maintenance.

,,,this ask sure is a month old isn’t it? retrdfyugihhuyt I am EXTREMELY sorry I answered this so late, but I haven’t been online lately because of moving, but at least I managed to finish this in less than a day lol. It’s long, but I love Himiko, and love all the quirks that make her who she is, and am happy to explain it to others!! I hope this answered your questions either way (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

#side blog asks n answers #danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #ndrv3 #danganronpa killing harmony #new danganronpa v3 #himiko yumeno #danganronpa discourse #GOD i practically just excreted infodump all over this post #hopefully this clear essay which i was clearly excited to write which i clearly wrote in a day is coherent

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