i shouldnt be at the club i should be at a monastery. illuminating texts and shit

J

I just got done doing some work on myself and what came up was our friendship/situationship or whatever the fuck that was. Our friendship was something I think we both needed when it happened. We kept each other company, to this day I think I have never texted ANYONE the amount of texts we exchanged. Sun up to sun down and everything in between we were in constant communication and, to no one’s surprise I’m sure, there eventually were feelings involved. It was a situation of never the right time for us, at first…. Then somehow it all aligned and we ended up slowly progressing towards something more real, something that went past the movie watching and casual make out sessions. Or so I thought? I went on a trip during this time. Again, in my mind we were moving towards somewhat of a relationship. With that being said, I went on this international trip and we could only text over wifi. Honestly, there wasn’t much of an interruption in our communication, wifi wise at least. Then I don’t remember when exactly it happened during my trip but I had I think a day without wifi so we couldn’t communicate but I had let you know. I was so excited to get back and talk to you (not ashamed to admit this, I really enjoyed our connection).

Then, I get this message that I can liken to getting a bucked of ice water thrown on me.

You were moving in with her.

I’m sorry… what? WHAT.

I like to think that I played it cool. In the moment I felt so betrayed and like someone I trusted had once again let me down. Part of me wonders if you sent that message while I had no connection on purpose? We had just talked and I didn’t know how things took a turn so quickly. After that our communication started dropping off. That’s on me and yeah it was on purpose. I probably found some other poor guy to keep myself busy with so I didn’t have to think about the hurt I was experiencing at that time.

This “situationship” had been a long time in the making to me. To have it end so abruptly is something that I think of to this day even though it’s been like a decade. I remember our friendship both fondly and with confusion. We had some beautiful times during our friendship like me holding your hair back while you were throwing up at the one party and when you provided emotional support while my boyfriend was gone to Japan. I also felt like I wasn’t good enough for a long time because of how everything played out. I still remember your birthday and every holiday I want to message you just like you tried to do for years and I just ignored out of hurt. I didn’t know how to communicate to you that you had hurt me and broken my trust but I’m guessing you knew me well enough to know that’s probably what was going on.

I hope that you’re doing well, from what social media shows it seems like it but curated images are just that…. portrayals of doing well. Although, I know you were never that type.

P.S.- I now know that back then liking me was risky. I was not the best version of me but I was the best I could be at the time.

FREAKING AWESOME BEST GUY EVER I LOVE YOU.

being an adult means we can buy or make as much self-indulgent shit (as we can afford) and unironically have trinkets of our fave things cause our teen years was bullied for liking things and hiding/denying we were ever neurodivergent to the point of suicide. sucks for anyone that thinks its weird cringe but I'm going to try and allow myself to love myself in little ways now

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

mordetwi walked so spamceler could run

hope you all enjoy and cringe at this cursed art @harveyhaslostit made

can i please pause time for like 16 hours, catch up on video games and self care, and then maybe unpause... but not before a quick snack on paused time

diversity win your spam emails are queer

chomp

They flirt with each other by threatening to kill each other it's great this was supposed to be me just practicing a little bit of how they interact with each other but i am was drawn in by gortash's gold arm bracer things and so now its like fully colored My Dark Urge is a Zariel bloodline Tiefling named Zenith [he/him]

this is how it went, right?

I'm like 90% sure if I don't get more of your ghost au I may just implode so like 🥺👉👈

not necessarily my AU but i ended up drawing smth based on a scene from @novethegreat's fic, "In Love With A Ghost". ooohhhh you wanna read it so bad ooooohh

+more google doc delusions ive had in my head for a long time and havent been possessed to draw under the cut please work god please

i like to think once yosuke gets over the whole undead roommate thing he starts to feel bad for leaving yu at home all day. (like a pet dog.....) so at some point he invites chie and yukiko over. maybe it’s a study session. but at first yukiko can’t make it so it’s just chie. yosuke tells yu to stay put in the room since chie is scared of ghosts (just like yosuke she’ll never admit it though lol). chie says that she and yukiko have been working on a new recipe and offers to cook which yosuke shoots down Very quickly, offering to cook himself, since a "friend" of his has been teaching him-- he very conveniently leaves out the whole undead roommate thing. but when he’s preparing the food he accidentally cuts his finger. yu forgets what he’s told and rushes through the walls into the kitchen scaring chie on accident.

yosuke: OW shit

yu: (phasing through the wall) yosuke! are you ok?

chie: yosuke! are youuuuuuUUUUAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

yukiko, the occult lover, is unable to see/hear ghosts… but when she hears abt "OHHH HANAMURAS APT IS HAUNTED ITS SO SCARY ITS AWFUL!!! i mean the ghost didnt kill me or anything he was actually pretty polite but its AWFUL!!!!!!" from chie, she gets sooo excited and begs yosuke to invite her over (for the ghost obviously not for yosuke. which is a bit of a blow to his ego LOL). and she comes in with a ouija board so she can talk to yu

yukiko: so. where is it?

yosuke: his name is yu. damn, not even a hello.

yukiko: well, where is he?

yosuke: …right over there.

yu tries to play along bc he thinks its fun, to yosukes exasperation. however he has trouble staying solid for very long so it takes foreverrrrr. but basically i think yu and yukiko writing each other notes to communicate like point blank pen pals would be cute… also when the others are around who can hear yu, playing telephone with what he says to yukiko and fucking it up (on accident OR on purpose) would be rly funny

Here are all the steam trading cards for da:o!

Looking for good romance fics on fimfiction is such a mental endurance task because most of them will be stuff you're not interested in, a good number will be child x adult crap (usually Spike), and then a handful is maybe the worst, most abhorrent and disgusting premise you've ever heard of and they'll have, like, 400 likes. And I'll think to myself, hm. Maybe I don't wanna associate myself with this fandom.