im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

Today my therapist asked me:

“What do YOU think you deserve when it comes to love”

I replied,

“I do not deserve the love which i had to hope to be chosen. I don’t deserve half-assed love. I want to drown within someone.”

I am thinking about you. I am wishing you warmth and peace.

The way the anti-hazbin crowd talks about Angel makes me sick, which is why I was happy to see you agreeing that Angel’s abuse was not glamorous. These people say things like it’s unrealistic that he doesn’t leave or that he was portrayed as enjoying abuse, when he wasn’t. They end up repeating a lot of terrible things about abuse survivors which is why I can’t take them seriously. But if I mention that saying these things about Angel are wrong, I get accused of defending Viv. I wish people understood that they not just talking about a character but real life things that real people go through. I also never see any antis posting fundraisers or resources for survivors. They’re so focused on hating a show, they forgot to be good people.

EXACTLY. I dont care if you dislike a character, please, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Real people are affected by this abuse. Im sorry people talked to you that way, I hope you doing okay.

letters | 027

𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓻, 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝔂 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮

It doesn't affect me as much when you like my post and your name pops up on my phone. I have realized so much within this month, how even if you knew practically everything about me I didn't know as much about you. I still have so much love for you and I would do anything to see your face. You were so in love with the idea of us in the future but was just trying to live in the present. We are still fairly young and I don't know where your head was at. I realized that this was truly what was best for us. I was thinking about dating soon but you are still on my mind constantly and I want to hold you in my arms and just hold you but I can't. I think this might be my last letter to you because I need to move on but I want to hold onto you but I can't it's like you don't even exist now. I had so many things I wanted to do, so many dates had been planned mentally. I saw our future but I wanted to see you more than anything. I need to move on I can't hold onto you anymore. I'm sorry. I still miss you but missing you comes with healing. I miss the way I would correct you over stupid words that you would slightly mispronounce the way your face lit up when you made me double over laughing but I hate the way I had to watch my words and think about how you might take things I hate the way that you wouldn't talk about yourself but just letting me talk worked for a bit but I wanted to know way more about you and anything I wanted to tell you about me but I can't tell anyone what your favorite color is but you can tell them things about me. Im sorry. I know what I did was right.

𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓵𝔂,

𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓰𝓲𝓻𝓵 𝓪𝓷𝔂𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 :(

hey hey pspsps. you’re amazing and I hope you have a good day. ily 🫶

Pspsps *meow* You made my day (always) <333

ily too 🫶🏼

I just cannot fathom this news. It's been hours since it was came out but i guess i am just in denial right now. I don't think i will be able to listen to her songs the same way. They all hit so much different now (cornelia street is literally playing in the background as i am writing this). She's the one that defined what love was to me. She articulated the feeling of what being in love feels like so beautifully. Willow will always have special place in my heart being the song that made me listen to evermore then folklore then everything after and before that. I hope she's doing okay.

I wanted to draw Toffee as a Splatoon character but I didnt actually finish it and this stayed as a sketch in my folder

I dont know Splatoon lore and I didnt know who he could be. He cant be an octoling or inkling, I figured he could be a marine animal with a long snout. I like sharks so... boom.

edit: Just realized he should have been an alligator...oof. my bad.

con questa uscita di scena, mi duole ma -100 punti a Corvonero

(ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc)

Try to forget her, hey

Try to forget her, hey

Try to forget her, hey

Try to forget her, hey

Try to forget her, hey

Try to forget her

Try to for—

(What's your number?)

I just hope to God you saved my number (What's your number?)

Call me when you can ☺️

OKAY WELL SINCE YOU RESPONDED TO EVERY ASK, I GUESS I DIDN'T ANSWER YOURS BACK IN NOV 9??? I AM SO SORRY I LITERALLY THOUGHT I DID

woozi as ur senior thesis would be SO funny because like...imagine being a professor and seeing an essay/project all about a genius kpop man 😭😭😭

IM A RAVENCLAW ACTUALLY?????? how did you KNOW....are you stalking me... ALSO WHATS UR HOUSE??

he may be the mc's tree but you can always climb him in your dreams...

O2O?? ILL CHECK IT OUT...if it has a happy ending NO CDRAMA RECS BUT I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE BLOODHOUNDS SO DO GIVE IT A CHANCE

ur anime con pics are SOSOSOSOSOSO CUTE!! I LOVE SEEING PEOPLE NERD OUT AND BE PASSIONATE ABOUT THE THINGS THEY LIKE

idk if he's a sub but me personally i like guys (like seungcheol) who have a lot of like passive(?) dominance if that makes sense?? like they exude this dominant energy irl (and in the bedroom but whatever HAHAHAH)

plot twist! i dont like him anymore!! i feel like he's just bread crumbing me and i'd honestly rather be friends with him atp

OKAY IF YOU ACT SELF-CENTERED AND YOU PULL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE PULLING SUB MEN....IF THATS UR HOPE THEN YOU'RE DOING GREAT BRIE THATS EXACTLY HOW YOU PULL SUBBY MEN

omg wait why are you dropping out? are you okay (like not in a condescending way, just checking in cuz you are important!!)

WAIIIIIIT (omg dino reference) WHAT CHRISTMAS MOVIES DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH EVERY YEAR PLS SHARE

NO. INSTANT MASHED POTATOES??? WHEN YOU HAVE ACCESS TO REAL POTATOES AND GARLIC????? she should be JAILED...but im sure she has a good reason mwahahah your mother must be a very nice person

SCALLOPED CORNNNNNNN OH MY GOD?? INVITE ME TO UR THANKSGIVING BRIE ID WANT TO EAT ALLLL THAT STUFF

WELL IM SURE SOME GUYS AT WORK HAVE GOTTA BE INTO YOU............

don't ever apologize for late responses!!! i enjoy every message i get from you too (ditto. lol. nwjns. i have brainrot) SO ITS OK!!!

-someone who missed you and hopes that you're OKAY (🫨 anon)

NOVEMBER OH MY GOD ITS LITERALLY OKAY THOUGH THAT WAS BASICALLY THE LAST TIME I RESPONDED ANYWAYS

I fear that is a senior thesis we deserve but will never behold…

I JUST KNOW YOU… WE’RE BONDED… YOU CANT TELL MY HOGWARTS HOUSE??? 😨😨😨

Oh 🫨 anon, I do not partake in stories with unhappy endings (… willingly) SO DW AND I WILL GIVE BLOODHOUNDS A CHANCE IF I REMEMBER AND I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER

I love anime cons… surrounded by mutual losers… ACTUALLY KINDA FUNNY STORY. When i was at the con they were playing this episodes of animes airing right now and we watched this one cause it had a funny title: I’m Giving the Disgraced Noble Lady I Rescued a Crash Course in Naughtiness, and we’re watching it and it’s pretty funny and there was this one scene where something happened to the male lead and you know how in anime they have like tiny like unrealistic things happen but we all know it’s just expressing the characters embarrassment or shock and no one can actually see it? Well he got shocked and completely turned into stone and then turned into dust and we’re all sitting there like 🙂 AND THEN ONE OF THE CHARACTERS CHIDED HIM FOR TURNING INTO DUST TO TRY AND GET OUT OF THE SITUATION AND EVERYONE LAUGHED SO HARD and i had an out of body experience where i was like this anime and joke are for such a niche audience, and oh my god we are a bunch of losers 😂

NO I TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU MEAN BY PASSIVE DOMINANCE.. like cheol… 🤭 GOOD FOR YOU DROPPING HIS ASS. YOU DESERVE A WHOLE LOAF OF BREAD NOT JUST THE CRUMBS. FUCK HIM!!! LOSER!! HE SUCKS!!

OH FUCK BUT 🫨 I DO NOT WANT TO PULL SUB MEN. I WANT TO DOMINATED. PLEASE. I WANT TO BE PUT IN MY PLACE. HELP ME 😭😭 TAME ME LIKE A BRAT IDK-

Hmm, i just wasn’t going to class cause i have really serious sleep problems. Like, i can’t sleep at night and i’m already on trazadone which is supposed to help me sleep but doesn’t work right. So james prescribes me ambien too. I tell him my anxiety is going even crazier than usual he prescribes me clonazepam. So now I’m taking ambien, trazadone, and clonazapem for sleep. I’ve always been really overly fatigued during the day but now i just can’t wake up, at all. I am sleeping till five (ball-park) no matter how many alarms i set or when i go to sleep. So i’m sleeping through class and being late for work. So he takes away my clonnie and my PRECIOUS ambien, and now i’m on Laraxpem? lonazepam? And i’m actually not tired all day again! But i am not falling asleep at night 🙃 and also, i am still way too fatigued way too early in the day (i woke up at 1:00 and i was dead tired by 7:00). ANYWAYS. I might do a sleep study soon so. We’ll see how it goes.

Uhm, uh, the princess switch movies, 12 dates of christmas, A christmas kiss, Dash & Lilly (not a movie), A cinderella story (the christmas one), Christmas Cupid…. There’s more uhm but i can’t think of them rn.

No… don’t make excuses for her laziness…. If she is willing to ignore her crying, child pleading for real potatoes then she should be JAILED.

WELL NOT RIGHT NOW I DONT THINK. I HOPE. I CANT HANDLE GUYS AT WORK LIKING ME. I LITERALLY SUCK WHY. AND IM NOT??? THAT??? PRETTY??? LEAVE ME ALONE.

DITTO BY NEW JEANS IS MY FAVORITE BY NEW JEANS I LOVE DITTO

Its officially been 2 years since I was kicked out of my old friend group I've accepted that I wasn't the best person during those times, but I also understand to myself that what I was feeling was a result of how I was treated, and that isn't my true nature. Being around people like yall for 2 years now has made me realize I don't need to perform anything to be treated fairly. To be not bullied, the butt of every joke, for my voice to actually be heard and not when its stroking someones ego. I wish the people in there a happy life. I wish for them to succeed in whatever they're doing, I hope they can overcome all the obstacles in their life. I really don't know how I feel about letting go of them even now, as they were the first group of people to ever accept me as a person and made sure I knew I existed to them outside of school. I learned so many things about people and myself in there, I am thankful for those 3-4 years that I was in there before my 20th birthday. There is still a part of me though that hopes my name still gives a certain person in that group hell though. I hope that person in particular gets help because holy fuck, how did they think me being "annoying" justified their abuse of me LMAOOO. What is most important here though is that today, I am loved and cherished by my friends. My friends accept me 100% for who I am through thick and thin, and I can fully accept myself as the whimsical woodland creature that I am, which I dont think would've happened had I stayed in that group. Proud of myself for never starting the same cycle certain people there did. Love yall

okay so they may have a minor chokehold on me at the minute-

Pain is a great motivator…

Part 26 || First || Previous || Next

—Full Series—

Meanwhile Toriel:

(Loud noises don't wake her up usually.)

Artist note: I’m so proud of this :))) I know it’s a lot of dialogue and reading, but dialogue is grueling work for me. I’m glad with the art and for the amount of pages I made in such a relatively short time span -w- page 5 was super fun to work on. A lot of blood, sweat, and hours here... :) The backgrounds were a big bore tbh, but I finished them! Yippie!

What do you like about the Diasomnia boys if I may ask?

I always love hearing about the different reasons people enjoy characters.

I mean, c'mon. he has split custody over Sebek okay

also, Lilia in particular has maybe the best timeskip character development of all time