#while everything in this art shows happiness i still feel the hint of sadness
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a08 :: Phone Calls
Modern AU.
Little iffy on this one, but my partner said they liked it / saw no problems with it when I slapped it at him for review. So... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I think I just have a weird disconnect putting everything into a modern setting while also attempting to have parallels that feel right.
Mentions of addiction and drug / substance abuse.
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It had been years since the last time Nomin had seen or heard from Estinien. She never thought she would have gotten a phone call from him, but she was certainly happy she did.
Word Count: 2,343
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Nomin watched the fan blades spin as she laid on her bed. They were on the slowest cycle. Spinning round, and round, and round… Her lips were pursed, and she held her cellphone against her breast with both hands. Her heart was still beating with an ache, and she could feel that frustrated heat along her neck and face.
A knock came at the door, and Nomin huffed before saying, "the door's unlocked. Come in."
The door creaked open, and standing there was her elder sister, Bayarmaa. There was a mug in her hand, and a soft smile on her face.
"Hey there, Bluebell…you doing good?" Bayarmaa asked, entering into the room and setting down the mug on Nomin’s bedside table. "I made you some tea."
"... Thanks…" Nomin made an effort to sit up, setting her phone off to the side as she did so. She offered Bayarmaa an efforted smile before reaching over and taking up the mug. Taking a sip of it, Nomin allowed the mild sweetness of it wash over her tongue and down her throat.
They sat in silence for some time, Nomin only occasionally taking some sips from the mug with a distant look upon her face. Eventually, she sighed and brought her legs up to sit cross legged. Resting her arms upon her thighs, Nomin looked down into the mug.
"They told me to try again next year… They told me that my paintings looked promising, but that they weren't looking for landscape subject matter. But…it's all garbage -- I know they were trying to let me down easy…" Nomin started to explain to her sister. She let out another sigh to push back the welling of disappointment and sadness in her heart. "So…I guess I have a lot of free time this week."
"Oh…Nomin…" Bayarmaa frowned, feeling sad for her younger sister. She reached out and gently placed a hand on Nomin’s knee. "I'm sorry. I know how much getting into the Luminary Arts of Eorzea show meant to you…”
“It’s…fine. It’s not like I can do anything about it… And…like they said, there’s always next year…” Nomin quietly replied.
The sisters stayed silent for a time before Bayarmaa audibly sighed and then gently rocked Nomin’s knee in an affectionate manner as a show of her being there. “Well, Bluebell…we’ll plan something for the week, then. You, me, Esenaij…we’ll go and have our own fun around the city. Or…or maybe we’ll go out for a drive to the countryside!”
Nomin managed a small smile, turning her head in Bayarmaa’s direction.
“Thanks, Bayarmaa…I don’t think I want to go out, though. I appreciate it,” Nomin said in response. "Maybe I'll change my mind later. But for now…I just want time to process my feelings."
Taking a moment, Bayarmaa slowly nodded and offered Nomin a reassuring smile. Leaning in, she gently and briefly brought their horns together with a familial clack. Getting up from the bed, she offered the younger Xaela a small pat on the knee before she drew herself up.
"Just let us know if you need anything," Bayarmaa said. "Esenaij and I still have time to get the store situated for the week. But if you take too long, we won't be able to do much besides maybe a mall crawl at Sapphire Avenue when we're off our work hours."
"Yep, duly noted. Get out," Nomin replied, a hint of amusement in her tone as she picked up one of the sheep plushies from her bed and lightly threw it at her sister. Bayarmaa caught it and tossed it back up on the bed with an amused chuckle before leaving.
"Hey! Close the door!" Nomin shouted once even the last bit of Bayarmaa’s tail had left the view of the door frame. She reappeared with a semi-apologetic look before sticking her tongue out at Nomin and closing the door.
"Thank you!" Nomin then placed the mug of tea back on her bedside table and flopped back on her bed. She resumed the monotony of staring up at the ceiling and doing her best to piece together the positivity she could muster up to push away the disappointment of losing out on having her own art exhibit at the Mih Khetto's Convention Center in the heart of Gridanian Town.
The room darkened in time, the only light that had been filtering in being that of the sun pushing through the closed blinds. Picking up her phone, Nomin used the screen light to get the lamp on her bedside table turned on.
She will hear my song tonight / Dedicated to moonlight / See that I'm a woman grown enough for secr--
Nomin nearly jumped out of her scales as her phone vibrated and the song ringtone blasted from it. She cursed herself for not putting it on silent mode at the least, turning over the device in her hand. Her heart nearly leapt out of her chest next. Part of her wanted to throw away her phone in surprise when she saw who was on the caller ID. Gathering herself, she finally slid her finger across the screen to answer the call and held it close enough for the sound to process within her horn.
"Estinien?" Nomin asked, her heart thumping. She had not seen him since she graduated from college with her art degree.
"Moonlight… Sorry, Nomin. I heard about the art show. I'm… I'm sorry it didn't work out…" Estinien spoke. He was straight to the point, all while correcting himself having used that name of endearment that he chose for Nomin when they were in high school. Admittedly, the Xaela did not mind -- hearing Estinien on the other end was enough to make her breath hitch in her throat and tears well in her eyes.
All that Nomin could do was sniffle as words, questions, insults, relief, and desperate want of reconnection raced through her thoughts. She wanted to ask how Estinien had been doing. What he had been doing. If he had been okay. She wanted to curse him for leaving without telling her. Without saying goodbye. Without telling her what he was going to be doing.
"It… I was really hoping… I'd be able to get that exhibit slot. Move forward with my art…" Nomin quietly spoke, her voice warbling and laced with sniffles as she tilted her head down. Tears rolled down her cheeks, down her nose, along her neck…
All she could do was use her timely rejection of an exhibit as a crux and excuse to cover up how much she missed Estinien. How much she worried about him. How much she was angry at him for leaving. She missed him more than she was torn about losing that exhibit slot. Ever since he disappeared, she had missed him.
"Do you still live off the Azim Strip by Nhaama’s Retreat?"
The question from Estinien made Nomin freeze for a moment. She hesitated before finally nodding and replying, "y-yeah… Still Ceol Aen Avenue… You know Bayarmaa and Esenaij can't move the Sagahli Foods storefront. Not since mum and dad…"
"Yeah, yeah... I know. I just…" Estinien paused. "I just assumed you'd be traveling by now. You always wanted to go out and see the sights for yourself. See your subjects first hand. I…"
There was a longer pause. A pause long enough to make Nomin believe for a moment that the call had been dropped.
"Estinien…? Please still be there…" Nomin quietly begged. "I just want to hear your voice."
"... I'm still here…" Estinien gently responded. "I was trying to tell you that I took on jobs and tried saving what I could so we could do that -- travel together."
Nomin was stunned. It was her turn to take a long pause. She struggled. Her mind. Her mouth. They both struggled to form coherent words and sentences.
"Why… why didn't you just… tell me?" Nomin asked, unable to keep her sobs back. Now she was just overwhelmed and hurt by this revelation. "I was so worried and upset that you just abandoned us -- or-or worse. Me, Aymeric, Haurchefant, Ysayle… I can't even begin to tell you how Alphinaud, entering his first year into college, was devastated to learn you just disappeared! He looked up to you."
"I knew you'd try to stop me. You'd tell me not to worry about it," Estinien replied. She could hear a hint of frustration in his tone before he sighed. "Listen… I just… I wanted to repay you for helping me through and cleaning me up from my addiction. For being patient and actually helping me however you could. If you didn't help when you did, then… I wouldn't be able to do any of this."
Nomin sat in silence, looking at the floral pattern of her bedsheets. She knew that Estinien had a rough time growing up. All the people she ended up befriending at school were people with rough childhoods -- herself included. When it came to Estinien, however… Perhaps his circumstances were the worst.
His parents and younger brother were murdered in cold blood. Just about everyone was aware -- news of the gruesome attacks in Ferndale just outside the city made headlines. Nomin and Aymeric both had reached out at the time, slowly coaxing him to make friends with the others in junior high through their shared experiences. But eventually, Estinien had succumbed to indulging himself in Somnus during their sophomore year.
Nomin remembered finding him. Alone. Disheveled. A broken glass pipe tossed aside -- the vessel for the powdered substance. She was relieved she had not found him slipped away completely.
She had promised to keep that side of Estinien a secret on the grounds that he would do what he could to quit. To actually get the help he needed from his foster dad. Nomin even remembered being there to speak with Alberic alongside Estinien as emotional support and to make sure he did not get punished severely on top of all the inner turmoil he must have been trudging through.
"... Okay…" Nomin finally said into the receiver, sniffling and rubbing her nose with the back of her fingers. "I… I'm just so relieved you're okay."
"I'm sorry, Nomin… for keeping you in the dark. I had thoughts during it all that you and the others might have thought the worst of me." Estinien had no idea what the others thought, but he was certainly closer to the truth than he imagined. "Aymeric was the one who told me, by the way. About the exhibit. He told me to call you, and I wasn't sure that I should have."
"I'm glad you did." The response that Nomin gave had come out before she even realized the words escaping her lips. They were automatic. Her mouth decided to voice that truth before her mind could stop her and make her say something else.
"Just… God, Estinien…" Nomin breathed, closing her eyes. "To hell with the exhibit rejection… I just want to see you again now that I know you still at least exist."
"... Yeah, okay. You will," Estinien reassured her. There was a moment that went by where Nomin heard him sigh with brief contemplation. After which, he continued: "remember that spot near Prism Lake where Haurchefant nearly broke his arm? The one we went to for one of our summer breaks?"
"Mhm?"
"Meet me there within the hour."
Nomin scoffed with an uncontrollable smile that spread over her lips. “Okay. I’ll clean up and see you there.”
“See you there.”
And just like that, the call had ended. Nomin continued to sit there, holding her phone up for a few moments longer before she finally lowered her arm. Another scoff left her lips, this one of disbelief to what had just happened. She then swung her legs off the side of her bed and took the time to drink more of the tea, now cooled.
Hurrying, Nomin had thrown wide the doors to her wardrobe and shuffled through the various array of clothes. She found something that had matched somewhat and got herself changed before swiftly making her way to the bathroom to wash her face. All while ignoring a confused Esenaij who had been walking down the hallway when she passed.
"Where are you going, Nomin?" Esenaij finally called out after her once she had exited the bathroom.
"Prism Lake. I want to clear my head," Nomin half-lied.
"You don't wash up for 'clearing your head.'" Esenaij folded his arms over his chest, giving Nomin an incredulous look.
"God, fine…" Nomin sighed, sitting down on the bench in front of the entrance door. She took her boots and was getting them fitted onto her feet. "I'm meeting with Estinien."
"Estinien?" Esenaij sneered. He then scoffed and asked, "you're really gonna go out and see that junkie? I thought at this point you weren't even friends since he just disappeared a couple years ago."
"I don't have time to entertain your hatred for him, Esenaij," Nomin said with a groan, getting up and grabbing her coat from the hanger. "Besides, I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. I'm not that ten-year-old orphan that mum and dad brought in anymore. Thank god for that…"
Esenaij sighed in frustration before pinching the bridge of his nose. He conceded and said, "you're right. I'm still your older brother, though. And If he does anything to hurt you again, I'll see to it he wished he hadn't."
"Yeah, yeah… thanks," Nomin replied dismissively. "Go do whatever you do. I'll call if anything happens or if I need help."
Esenaij pointed at her. "Promise?"
"Yeah, promise. If it helps you sleep at night."
"Good. Just stay safe out there."
"I will." With that, Nomin had checked her pockets and made sure she had everything. Keys, phone, wallet, gum… and a pocket knife. Satisfied, she left the abode and made her way to her car, a sense of giddiness now flowing through her as she got well on her way to that place next to Prism Lake.
#ffxiv#ffxiv writing#my writing#modern au#ffxiv oc#tw: addiction#oc: nomin tal kheeriin#oc: bayarmaa sagahl#oc: esenaij sagahl#estinien#estinien varlineau#ffxiv estinien#wolstinien#cinnamon ship
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Just to add to the reply to the latest ask, I'm also thinking that at some point Kaito *might have* realized that using Sakura as a commodity like this and "stealing" her happiness was a wrong choice. Because all he's ever known ever since he was a baby is that all magicians exploit and betray eachother, and the only sane magician he's ever known ended up in tragedy trying to save her daughter (even there, we still need to know what happened!!! Cause 庇って is a very specific term and implies specifically that Akiho's parents were protecting her from a negative situation, and died shielding her from it).
So why Sakura would've been any different? The plan was to take what he needed, correct the terrible destiny he inadvertently caused to Akiho, and go. "Simple" as that.
But then...
He saw that Sakura's kindness was genuine. Not only her, but also the people gravitating around her. He saw that Akiho was happy in her company and the company of her friends. And the way he felt towards the plan he himself thought up while still being a young boy changed. Because he didn't know such people could really exist. Otherwise...
...he wouldn't point out, with a hint of sadness that shows how his heart is hurting at that thought, that Akiho seems happy in the company of her new friends. A happiness that doesn't involve him (or so he thinks), just like he pictured. Not in this way, though.
And he wouldn't make the painful face above, while talking about his definitive plan, activating the magic he desired, the "story". If he really was still ok with this, he wouldn't. He'd be thrilled to be so close to his goal.
And when Akiho expressed her enthusiasm for doing her best along with Sakura for this goddamned play, he totally wouldn't have made that face, if he still was ok with this. Probably that panel looks new to many of you, because it was changed in the tankobon version of that chapter, included in volume 13 which (as far as I know) still hasn't been released in English. CLAMP went as far as changing completely his face in that panel, to show clearly that something isn't right, here. Where he looked pensive before, now he looks stricken with guilt. And his hand istinctively reaches out to her in response to that feeling.
But what other choice does he have? Can he really stop?
When I saw this panel for the first time, I realized his non-answer was already an answer per se. One that made me grimace.
That "smoke" in the background of this panel, so typical of CLAMP's art language, is conveying to us that the character is thinking and feeling something he's not saying aloud.
And the worst part is that all of this might be happening while still not understanding the real reason why he's doing all of this.
If only that spell was never engraved onto her body. He probably would've stopped. But he doesn't have any other choice. Even if he might be regretting this at this point, he can only go forward, never looking back.
Because her survival, even after he won't be here anymore, is the priority over everything. She will always be his priority.
#clear card arc#ccsakura#yuna d. kaito#cardcaptor sakura#Welcome to the Kaito Educational Channel#this is called 'collection of hints'#in order to understand the climax better#and throw it in the face of anyone who might dare saying CLAMP changed Kaito's morality at the end of the story from left field#cause if this really happens you should know that the signs were there all along#and they took extra care to stick all these 'flags' beforehand#Kaito is a very complex and beautiful character#and yes a tragic one#very tragic one
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Happy birthday to the one and only, Corpse Husband! Can’t say enough about him and his incredible talent. It was him to lead me to find the strength and courage in writing songs publicly that express myself, my thoughts, feelings and struggling with the horrors of the past. I’ve always been into music, but I grew up never sharing it as I was never in a safe, stable “home” environment. Not to get sad and soppy, but I was adopted from another country, due to severe neglect. Having been left to starve to death by my birth parents. I was one of seven, the third youngest. When I was adopted, while my physical needs and well being were met, I was psychologically and emotionally abused and abandoned. As if I didn’t have CPTSD already. I won’t go into detail, but it feels nice to get this off my chest. I endured a lot of abuse over the course of the first 18 years of my life. Last year, March 31st of 2021; I ran away from “home” to live with a dear friend, to save my life. Since then it’s been excruciating for me as well as an incredible journey. Terribly sad and boundless joy. Quite the paradox, am I right? I was finally actually LIVING. But at the cost of the cruel realization of just how terrible hints had been back at “home.” Things I had grown up with and had thought to be normal, down to even the smallest seemingly unimportant things, turned out to be dark. I knew the life I had been living, but as I further researched to understand my agony, went through therapy, etc; it only revealed more and more of how truly a grave situation I had been in. My health declined, mentally, physically, emotionally. I was in and out of doctors offices every month to the point that they knew my name when I showed up. I’m doing better now. Music, art, writing and horses were my escape. And now, being over a year since my first day of freedom on July 1st, 2021; with my mind being more or less better intact than before, I’ve finally felt brace enough to put pen to paper about what I had experienced. What torment I had been put through. I’m still nervous about singing, but I’m hoping that I can finish up my first song ever by my 20th birthday on September 23rd. Wish me luck yall, lol.
(Sorry for ranting. I just can’t say enough of how Corpse has helped me. If he could do it after everything he’s been through, then I knew I couldn’t give up and take the easy way out.)
And again, thank you Corpse for being you. For showing me that even despite everything, there’s still something out there for you.
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Season of the Witch- TEASER
☾ Pairing: love triangle Taehyung x jimin x reader
☾ Genre: yandere, smut, horror, thriller
☾ Rating: 18+
☾ Warnings: STALKER SHIT, Tae is insane and has really dark and obsessive thoughts about Jimin, there’s some sexy stuff in here too, hints towards make oral sex and just sex, violent themes I guess and hits of murder.
☾ Summary: all Taehyung ever wanted was Jimin, and he had always done whatever it took to stop whatever or whoever got in his way, you were going to be no different. Surely Jimin didn’t love you as much as Taehyung loved him… right?
"So," Jimin sucked in a deep breath from across the table of the diner and nervously adjusted in his seat before looking across the table at his best friend. He wondered why he was so nervous, why he was dragging this out, why he thought Taehyung wouldn't understand.
"So, you brought me here to talk about something?" Taehyung cleared his voice, doing his best to try to hide his own nervousness and butterflies mixing in his stomach as he played with a little pink packet of sugar on the table.
"Since you're my best friend and I want you to know what's going on in my life..." Jimin's eyes flickered to his melting vanilla milkshake he no longer cared about. He felt like he needed to look at anything but Taehyung, just in case he had the same reaction as last time, although that was years ago when… Jimin refused to let his mind go back to it.
Taehyung bit at his lip and put down the sugar packet he had been playing with upon hearing Jimin's words. He looked down at the little chipped places in the diner table, chipped at by time itself. He knew now what was coming, and it wasn’t what he had wanted to hear… it wasn't going to be anything close to "I love you". He braced himself for the impact, heart ready to shatter into his ribcage and start sobbing in front of Jimin.
"I've- I've met this girl…" Jimin floundered at first, but the rest just slipped out of his mouth naturally as if he had been born to say these words "she's the one, Tae."
Jimin's sentence had come out in slow motion for Taehyung, as if the world wanted to drag this out just to hurt him more. Although Taehyung knew it had been coming seeing as Jimin had been quite distant recently, just like before, it still left Taehyung swallowing down the pain. A sad whimper too high and soft to be his own partially escaped his throat before Taehyung caught it, cut it off, and drowned it out by clearing his throat. He could feel how wide his eyes were, he felt his pulse quicken and blood heat to an uncomfortable level under his skin. He wanted to crawl out of his own outter flesh and slink away unnoticed by the man sitting across from him. He didn't know what to do, but he had to say something, so said the only thing he could think to say.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure." Jimin confirmed with a nod "you- you aren't going to say what you said last time?" Jimin furrowed his brows with worry.
Taehyung had been through so much with Jimin last time he had uttered these words to him. Jimin should've known better than to go and do this again, Taehyung shouldn't have to warn him again, Jimin should be scared, he should be too scarred to do this to Taehyung again. But would Taehyung say all of this to his friend? No. Warning him of the future heartbreak didn't work last time, it only made Jimin push Tae away and he wasn't about to make that mistake again… he didn't have to, this time around he was prepared, it would be easier now.
"Of course not." Taehyung sat up straighter in the diner booth and watched Jimin's surprised reaction. "It was wrong of me to say all of that last time, especially after what happened."
Jimin's face fell into a pout for a moment as he remembered but pushed it out of his mind. It still hurt him, but now at least he had you.
"You deserve to be happy and you deserve someone." Taehyung forced the best smile he could as he wished that someone was him. He had always wished that someone was him, ever since the both of them had been in high school. Taehyung said a silent prayer every night that one day Jimin would just come to his senses. Taehyung's mind drifted away to the time where he thought Jimin was almost his, the night it was so close he could taste it, he did taste it, he could still taste Jimin's sticky smooth peach schnapps flavored lips and tongue on his.
"-she's such a good dancer too. I can't wait for you to meet her." Taehyung had only caught the tail end of Jimin's rambling. Jimin's smile and enthusiasm when talking about someone that wasn’t him made that warmth in his veins turn into a fire in his stomach, Taehyung was angry. The muscles in hands clenched to try to hold himself together. His hands had felt so tight that they ripped the packet of sugar he had open that he hadn’t realized he had picked back up off the table.
Taehyung looked down at the little pile of sparkling sugar on the table that Jimin ignored as he went for a drink of his milkshake. He watched as his friend's lips wrap around the straw and thought about how perfect they would look and feel if they were wrapped around his-
Taehyung let his eyes fall back to the sugar on the table but that was no help either. He now thought about Jimin's lips coated in the tiny crystals, kissing him, tasting sweeter than the night they almost- Taehyung was sure he'd have a breakdown right here in this diner if he didn’t stop thinking about that night.
"How's the art stuff coming along?" Jimin decided to ask, he hadn't heard Taehyung talk about painting in a while now. He knew it had been Tae's favorite hobby since they were teenagaers, and he was good at it too.
Art stuff. Taehyung knew he didn't care about it, he didn’t even pretend to. Jimin didn't come to the first and last art show his paintings had been featured in. It was a disappointing blow to Taehyung, so disappointing that he gave it up.
"Yeah, I've been exploring other hobbies lately and haven't had time for it. Work and stuff too has been keeping me busy." It wasn't a lie, it was the truth, however Tae wasn't about to start naming his new "hobbies" Thankfully he didn't have too, Jimin's phone went off.
"Oh! Oh man, It doesn't feel like we were here that long does it? I've got to be at the dance studio in fifteen minutes." Jimin couldn’t help but smile as he said it, anytime he mentioned or thought of the dance studio at all now he couldn’t help but smile.
Jimin quickly held his hand up to flag down a waitress but Taehyung stopped him.
"I've got it, you're in a rush." Taehyung urged.
"Are you sure?" Jimin questioned "I'm the only one who ordered anyt-"
"It was just a milkshake. Just head out." Taehyung urged once again, forcing a boxy smile.
Jimin thanked his best friend with a cheerful crescent moon eyed smile that Taehyung would die to see everyday.
Once Jimin had left Taehyung grabbed a napkin from the napkin holder and in the blink of an eye, had stolen the straw from Jimin's half finished milkshake. Under the table, he wiped the excess milkshake from the straw, careful not to touch the end Jimin had put his lips on, and tucked it into his small bag he had brought along with him before flagging down a waitress and paying the bill.
Once Taehyung had gotten out to his car, what Jimin had told him began to catch up with him and really sink in past his bones and into his soul.
Jimin now had a girlfriend.
"Fuck." Taehyung muttered to himself and let his head fall onto the steering wheel. Was this it? Was it all too late? Taehyung should’ve been faster about making Jimin love him.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK!" He let out as he slammed his head against the wheel a couple of times, anger and disappointment radiated through his body.
This wasn't supposed to happen, it wasn't supposed to be like this ever again. Taehyung thought he had taught Jimin a lesson, that lesson being he shouldn't love anyone but him.
Taehyung was protecting Jimin. He was protecting him from his own self, not just from the heartbreak. He knew Jimin's heart was filled with warmth and love that he wanted to share, but why couldn't he just share it with Taehyung? Taehyung, the best friend who was always there for him. Taehyung, the man who strived to be everything Jimin wanted. Taehyung, who would, has and will kill for the man he loves.
Taehyung didn't know what you looked like yet, but he imagined the satisfaction of taking you down just like the girl before you.
He felt a smile grow and spread across his face.
He knew shouldn't be worried, it would be easier this time now that he's getting the hang of this black magic thing. It could be as easy as stomping an ant.
A laugh sounded throughout the quiet car and only grew louder and heavier the more he thought about your death.
Taehyung knew that in the end all you were would be another lesson, another reason for Jimin to never get close to anyone ever again, only him. It would always only be Taehyung, and he figured Jimin would have to learn that eventually.
#park jimin#jimin smut#park jimin smut#kim taehyung#taehyung smut#kim taehyung smut#jimin x reader#park jimin x reader#taehyung x reader#jimin x taehyung#vmin#yandere jimin#yandere taehyung#bts smut
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YES HELLO CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT FJORESTER HEART TO HEART?
THE WAY IT PARALLELED THE JELLYFISH TALK??
Fjord following Jester into trouble and momentarily doubting but eventually being like “I don’t care” because he would follow her anywhere even against his best sense
Both of them sitting there, looking out at the night ocean... like they did on a ship so long ago when Jester first opened up about her sadness.
And now she’s volunteering some of it again:
“Look, you have to see the moon from up here [...] This is where I used to come when, you know, I lived here and I didn’t really any friends. And I would dream about leaving the city and look out in the ocean and think about all the places I could go.”
Sigh
*breathes in*
SCREAMS
guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys
omg remember
“And then I don't know what. I want to explore the world. I want to see the lands we haven't seen. I want to find the things that people are scared of and solve them or do whatever anyone else needs to do. But-- I hope she's a part of that.”
I AM STILL SCREAMING I SWEAR
Anyway, we are just getting started but look at Fjord’s faces through this bit
Because that’s when he realizes that maybe... just maybe... Jester might want the same thing he does... maybe
And then, what does he do?
He diverts attention to something funny: her drawing dicks on the tower. Why? Because Jester is talking about something sad and Fjord wants nothing more than to cheer her up.
And then, wishfully, Jester brings up one thing that I’ve been thinking about ever since we found out these two coast kids had been in Nicodranas for years without knowing each other.
“I wonder if I was ever sitting up here and saw your ship go by even knowing”
“I bet”
Invisible String_Taylor Swift.mp3
okay but also
PLEASE GUYS
if any of you have any art skills and wants to give me that poetic image of younger Fjord and Jester, each looking up wishfully... she’s lonely and young and on top of that tall tower looking at the life she craves to live and Fjord is looking at the city full of homes like he’s never had and they are unaware that they are looking at each other’s future??
GUYS PLEASE C’MON
ok ok ok moving on so Fjord....
he brings up Vandran... awkwardly... nervous... stuttering about the whoel thing...
and his voice suggests that his optimism in Eisselcross was a front put to keep the others calm.
And then he says the magic words:
“Would you come with me?”
“Of course!”
Like he has to ask, please. Like she hasn’t followed him everywhere since the very first day they met. Like she wouldn’t follow him to the ends of the earth just like he has followed him through plunging falls and vertiginous heights above volcanos.
Still Fjord, deep down still that insecure kid who faked a whole personality for months, tries to give her an out.
“I don’t know if being on the sea is of any interest to you or if you want to stay in Nicodranas because you can now and I would totally understand.”
BOI HE JUST TOLD YOU THIS IS HER LIFE LONG DREAM
LITERALLY
STOP FREAKING OUT
“There’s... That is my favorite place to be. I love it out there.”
THE WAY SHE LOOKS OUT WITH JUST AS MUCH LONGING
“And I feel like there’s so much that we could see and share... Besides fucking Darktow is out there and we spent less that one day on it... That can’t stand”
LOOK AT THEM
THEY ARE SUCH A MESS AND SO CHAOTIC AND THEY ARE BOTH SO CURIOUS AND EXCITED FOR NEW ADVENTURES
Also, does his tone talking about that remind anyone else to the way he talked about the possibility of finding treasure to make Marion even fancier before she meets Jester’s father again???
Because I really feel like that’s the same mood.
The same longing for more while trying to make her laugh.
“I would love to go out there with you. I would love to meet Vandran.”
“We could make this our port.”
“We could make this our port”
“WE COULD MAKE THIS OUR PORT”
“WE COULD MAKE THIS OUR PORT”
(sidenote this line alone could’ve sent me spiraling before they were canon... and still kinda does)
excuse me while i scream for the next ten minutes
And then Fjord drops the hint that he wants to still deal with some stuff in Port Damali
ONE SHOT WHEN TRAVIS
GIMME THAT ONE SHOT
YOU WANT IT
I WANT IT
WE ALL WANT IT
UKOTOA WANTS IT
I WANNA MEET SABIAN AND GO TO DARKTOW AND GO TO PORT DAMALI
PLEASE
“But... this city really is beautiful”
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO SAY IT LOOKING AT HER LIKE THAT
AND YOU REALLY DIDN’T HAVE TO SAY IT LOOKING AT HER LIKE THAT JUST LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU SAID THE JELLYFISH WERE BEAUTIFUL TRAVIS
AND YET HE DID
“There’s always a home for us here”
hey hey hey hey remember that Tarot reading and Fjord’s future card being “home/the traveler”??????
BECAUSE i do
IF I MADE A DRINKING GAME WITH SHOTS EVERY TIME THIS CONVERSATION had a throw back for the campaign I WOULD END UP LIKE VETH
“Or... maybe we could... you know... get our- our own place”
THE LOOK OF A WOMAN WHO JUST REALIZED THIS MAN WANTS TO MARRY HER (in paper graph again)
im sorry but the rest of the cast’s faces are too good to let out
And then Jester gets SO EXCITED THAT SHE CAN’T EVEN SPEAK
because this boy
this man
this man she loves
he wants to spend his life with her
this isn’t just a “come have adventures and fun with me” proposition
this is a “spend your life with me proposition”
and while she can’t talk of course Fjord panics
much like she did after the “i love you”
because these idiots are really made for eachother and still stumbling through their own confusing feelings for each other even after so long as friends and they are so afraid of screwing it up
But when finally she speaks, when Jester says “yes”... her tone isn’t just a “yes”... THAT YES SOUNDS LIKE AN “I DO”
And they are both so nervous and happy okay?
And then
OKAY LISTEN STRAIGHT OUR OF A ROMCOM
He looks at her
and she meets his gaze
and they both look down blushing
and then she looks at him first
and he meets her gaze
and they don’t look down this time, this time is steady... because they both know they love each other
“I’m really glad that everything happened the way it did”
“Yeah, me too.”
Good and bad. Tumbles and crushes and heartbreaks and deaths and tears and fights and laughter and adventures and doubts and confusion and longing and pining and protecting each other and fighting together and falling and rising and catching each other and healing each other and looking out for each other because it all lead to this... to this moment where they are together and so sure that they are loved and cherished and that this is where they want to be and there’s so much more in their future to look forward to
And Jester snuggles up to him and Travis does the tiniest move to show how he leans against her that just DESTROYS me
and of course Fjord needs to make a joke then, to lighten the mood, because these two disasters are friends first and foremost and is in their chaos that they understand each other
and they have so many adventures ahead
i love them so much you guys
im going to miss them so bad
i love them
oh god
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Let’s talk: Serendipity with a side of 4 O’Clock and other guest appearances
by Admin 1 and 2
We’ve been meaning to write a analysis/theory/discussion on Serendipity for the longest time, especially after I once mentioned in a previous post how I think the song can be interpreted in a way that works for both vmin and namjin. So, while I’ll add my thoughts in regard to the latter, the vmin portion is more based on conclusions and thoughts Admin 2 arrived at. I think their idea presents a perspective I haven’t really seen anywhere else before yet, so I think it’ll hopefully be interesting.
As with any song analysis/discussion/theories, this only represents some of our interpretations which don’t have to be right and no one is meant to take this as gospel. Art is subjective and while we all listen to the same song, read the same lyrics, our understanding and thoughts may/will vary, so you might not agree with any of what we say and you are not obliged to do so. This is just meant as a discussion, some pondering, and perhaps we can discover something along the way that we haven’t considered yet.
With that being said, let’s get into it.
Additional preface: this post will work off of the assumption that both vmin and namjin have romantic feelings for each other and/or are together. If this isn’t an angel you’re interested in reading about, this likely isn’t the post for you. Furthermore, if you’d prefer to put on your delulu hat for the duration of this post, please take a moment to put it on now. Enjoy!
All lyric translations are from doolset.
Serendipity is the opening song on Love Yourself: Her, the first album of the Love Yourself trilogy, and was released September 18th 2017. Of all the members, Namjoon is the only one credited as lyricist on it along with four other people (two outsiders, Slow Rabbit and Bang PD). Based on that we can say that Namjoon definitely had a big influence of the content of the lyrics and the story they tell so analyzing the song in the context of Namjoon makes sense. But at the same time the song is Jimin’s solo so I don’t think it is that farfetched to think that he kept Jimin in mind when writing the lyrics, and judging by how attached vmin, and especially Tae, seem to be to this song, thinking that there might be more to it than just the fact that it’s Jimin’s solo, again, seems like a sensible conclusion to arrive at. In 2020 Tae even used a moment where he recommended Serendipity (as part of the digital Map of the Soul ON:E Exhibition which, by the way, opened on Jimin’s birthday) in order to wish Jimin a happy birthday.
Serendipity /ˌsɛr(ə)nˈdɪpɪti/ as: the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
Looking at the meaning of the title and the big focus on the concept of destiny displayed in the lyrics, I think it makes a lot of sense in the context of Bangtan. The members themselves have spoken about how it was meant to be them, these seven men, and just think about how many different factors had to work in their favor for them to end up not only as trainees for BigHit but also as members of BTS. If Seokjin hadn’t gotten on that specific bus and gotten off on that station the BigHit staff might’ve never seen him and approached him, if Tae hadn’t gone with his friend to the audition and hadn’t gotten talked into auditioning himself, he wouldn't even be an idol at all, and if Jimin’s dance teacher hadn’t encouraged him to audition he wouldn’t have come as trainee to Seoul either. And if one of the BigHit producers hadn’t seen Namjoon, hadn’t shown him to Bang PD, BTS wouldn’t have been created at all. As the lyrics themselves say:
이 모든 건 우연이 아냐
All this is not a coincidence
Timeline wise we think Serendipity is about two different moments in time depending if you look at vmin or namjin. For the latter I’d say it’s about the beginning of their relationship which, if namjinists are right in our thoughts and theories, would put this sometime 2013. Meanwhile for vmin, Admin 2 actually thinks it would be 2016, more specifically the time of the dumpling incident, so before FIRE was released. This also leads us to the main idea that Admin 2 arrived at and thought of, being that Serendipity and 4 O’Clock tell two sides to the same story, as in Tae in 4 O’Clock is the one waiting for the other person, who describes the moment in time and the feelings he had when that person came to meet him. Meanwhile Jimin is the one who came to meet him, who asks him to love him, who cried because of his feelings and who’s telling him about those feelings and thoughts (as displayed by the sentiments of Serendipity). Namjoon also wrote both, and he knew as many details of the incident as Tae was willing to share with him which, seeing how filled with emotion and deep the lyrics to 4 O’Clock are, I’m sure were rather extensive. How else would he has been able to write such beautiful lyrics?
Actually, to sidetrack for a moment, Admin 2 thinks that it’s not a coincidence that Namjoon isn’t just on 4 O’Clock was writer but also as artist, that in a way he also verbalizes his own pain/troubles through his verse even though, as far as we know, namjin never had anything that would be like the dumpling incident, but in this sense it’s more about what the incident represents rather that the literal event. As in, for vmin this was the big fight they had, a majorly significant moment that brought about a change in their dynamic and bond, and according to them it was their last big fight in general. Like a moment that was destined to happen in order to allow for them to later down the line grow into what they are today in connection to each other, but we think it was also a moment in which, while they might’ve realized and opened up to each other about their feelings, it was also when they had to realize that despite there being more to their feelings, it wasn’t the time for it.
As the lyrics in Serendipity say:
설레는 만큼 많이 두려워
As much as my heart flutters, I’m afraid
운명이 우릴 자꾸 질투해서
because the destiny keeps getting jealous of us
너만큼 나도 많이 무서워
As much scared as you are, I’m, too, scared
When you see me
When you touch me
Destiny in this case represents their career and them being idols, being part of a group destined to become the phenomenon and the superstars they are today, meaning that this destiny stood in the way of their bond in a romantic sense. They had to prioritize this destiny over their feelings, over wanting to be with each other, because they were afraid of the repercussions that could otherwise bring upon them (as well as the other members). Besides, they could also look at namjin who, in a way, came before them. If theories are right and namjin were together sometimes starting in 2013, they had to eventually split romantically for the greater good of the band, so if their relationship had to take the back seat, so to speak, destiny having gotten in their way (gotten jealous of them), how could vmin know it wouldn’t be the same for them? Besides they already had so much going on with Jimin’s feelings of jealousy due to Tae’s Hwarang hyungs, Tae’s work on the drama keeping him away from the band and exhausting him even more, and the sad things still to come which they couldn’t know at that time just yet.
From Sweet Night we know that they had a first chance that Tae didn’t take, that he couldn’t have known that one day he would wake up and feel more for his best friend, as in Jimin, even though, deep down he realized that he’d long reached the shore already. So, in that park that night the conclusion they arrived at was that while they couldn’t move forward with their feelings (because perhaps Tae didn’t even know just yet the extent of his own), he realized that Jimin is an angel after he told him that he at least wants to be his source of strength which subsequently unleashed arrows of pent up emotions from his heart. So while it was a positive event in sense of it bringing clarity, to a certain degree, about their feelings for each other, it was also one of sadness because they knew they couldn’t follow those feelings. Remember how when performing 4 O’Clock Tae cried in the end? If it were a song just reminiscing about two friends making up at the park after a fight over them being stubborn about dumplings, would he really feel saddened enough to cry, to get to that level of emotionality?
Later in the song the lyrics say:
이젠 곁에 와줘
Now, please be by my side
우리가 되어줘
Please be us
I don’t wanna let go no
그냥 맡기면 되는 거야
We can just leave it to fate
말 안 해도 느껴지잖아
We can feel it even if we don’t talk
Here the important part would be the line about how they can leave things up to fate, which can be interpreted as even if things might not be what we want them to be right now or anytime soon, they will happen eventually because that’s how it’s meant to be. The lyrics generally make a lot of mention of how their love is destined, how their happiness together has been destined since the universe was first created. So it shows a sense of trust that regardless of what will happened, or might’ve happened in the past, they will find their way back together eventually (in a romantic sense). Like, again, in Sweet Night where Tae didn’t use his first chance but hopes he’ll get a second one and, judging by the hopeful tone of the song and everything that we know currently, it looks like he got it and it worked out in their favor. The same, I think, can also be said about namjin.
Looking at the lyrics of Serendipity, the idea of them being fated even though their meeting was serendipitous, Namjoon is basically telling us that here, too, he believes that his connection to Seokjin, if we are correct in the interpretation that Seokjin is the lover hinted at throughout different songs on the Love Yourself albums, was also meant to be and that it will remain as such even if they had to step away from each other romantically, that while they used to be scared back in the day to be together, to open up to each other about their feelings, it still was destiny and that it would work out in the end. Looking at how much they’ve influenced each other, how Namjoon even went as far as saying that Seokjin is his muse/inspiration in a way, would such conclusion really be all that farfetched?
The first line of the quoted verse also reminds me of the same sentiment that Jimin wrote about three years later for Friends in which he wrote:
언젠가 이 함성 멎을 때 stay hey
Someday, when these cheers die down, stay hey
내 옆에 함께 있어줘
Stay with me by my side
영원히 계속 이곳에 stay hey
Forever, keep staying here, hey
We know that forever/eternity is a big thing when it comes to Jimin and Tae which we’ve seen as early as 2014 with the picture of their intertwined hands that Tae posted on twt with the wish of them keeping going together for a long time and then with Jimin’s addition of saying forever. Later during Bon Voyage 4 he also said that again, how he wants to live with his lovely Taehyungie forever, and years before that how he wants them to be together until they’re grandpas.
So, in a way, it isn’t just destiny they trust that will be in their favor, but it’s also their active wish and “work” in that direction, that it’s not just something a higher force has foreseen for them but it’s also something they consciously want for themselves as well. All because of that serendipitous fact that they ended up as trainees and members of BTS.
넌 내 푸른 곰팡이
You’re my blue mold (penicillin)
날 구원해 준
that saved me
나의 천사 나의 세상
My angel, my world
Here is where we can draw two connection directly to Tae and Jimin, one because of something Jimin said about Tae years prior and the other due to the fact that as recently as the second half as 2020 (DICON Magazine) Tae said he had Jimin saved on his phone as Penicillin. We also know that after the song came out, Tae made a phone case for Jimin with the word penicillin on it which Jimin proudly used and showed off.
Furthermore penicillin itself is something that can save you, and while we might not know from what, exactly, Jimin needed to be saved, he did say that Tae is more than just his close friend, he is also his savior.
As for Namjoon, there was certainly a time where he would’ve needed someone to save him, from himself and his dark, less than life positive, thoughts (as displayed by the lyrics in Always) but also the world around them back in 2015/16 where he was seen as the worst of the worst for things he’d said that had been purposefully misconstrued and misunderstood, as well as lyrics he’d written which, again, where taken to mean things much different from what he actually tried to say. While there is nothing I can use or base any assumptions on that Seokjin would be the one/was the one who saved him, contextually, I don’t think it would be farfetched that he did help him and was there for him during that time, much the way the other members surely were too. Based on what we know about Abyss and the background of that song, we know Namjoon helped Seokjin in some ways with it, so if Seokjin came to him and spoke to him about the hard time he was having in 2020, it isn’t that out there to think that Namjoon might’ve done the same back in 2015/16, and during other times between when they first met until Namjoon wrote these lyrics, right?
난 네 삼색 고양이
I’m your calico cat
널 만나러 온
that came to meet you
Love me now touch me now
Calico cats are very rare, and usually you’ll only find female calico cats, meaning that male ones are even more rare than that. Looking at Namjoon as a person, I’d say he is a very rare type of person as well, I mean, how many teenage underground rappers turned idol group leaders who might also be queer and is also a literal genius do you know off the top of your head? Furthermore calico cats are seen as lucky cats in many cultures and places so in this sense Namjoon/Jimin would represent something lucky/positive that came to their partner which, if we again look at things that were said over the years, Jimin did say that Tae is the happiest when he’s with Jimin.
As for Namjoon and Seokjin, this could be connected to the fact that Seokjin was thankful that Namjoon is on their team, their ally, instead of someone from another group, thus seeing it as luck that they are together (Rolling Paper FESTA 2020), like he is their good luck charm that played a major role in them getting to where they are, so to speak. And yes I’m aware that he said that three years after the song was released but it wasn’t the first or only time he ever voiced such sentiment. Seokjin has underlined how much he admires Namjoon’s abilities as leader and lyricist many, many times over the years.
“Our leader, RM. This guy is amazing. There are 2 more older guys than him, yet he is great as leader. I want to thank our leader personally.” -- Seokjin as a concert which, judging by their hairstyles (and the use of Namjoon’s old artist name) must’ve been some time around Dark & Wild perhaps?
As a side note, the mention of calico cats reminds me of a picture Seokjin posted for Namjoon’s birthday in 2019 (so two years after Serendipity had already come out) in which Namjoon is seen asleep while sitting and hugging a calico cat plushy. You’ll recognize both the plushy and the ARMY B*mb hat as part of the VCRs for 4th Muster in 2018. So I’m mentioning this as more of a cute thing rather than some kind of definitive sign of any sort really. By the way, that same cat plushy can also be seen when Tae lies sleeping and Jimin sits next to him singing the calico cat line and places the plushy on Tae.
But, what I think is, for me at least, the biggest hint toward Serendipity being, to a degree at least, about/inspired by vmin is the fact that early in 2017, February more specifically, Jimin and Tae both called each other their soulmates during one of their fansigns. And what are soulmates if not two people destined to meet and be with each other, two people quite literally meant for each other? And here Jimin is singing a song about how his love for this person and his happiness with them was fated, that destiny had this planned for them regardless how scared they may be and how destiny (outside factors) might be jealous of them (keep getting in their way).
Furthermore, isn’t it curious how this song, specifically, is written as gender neutral instead of with female pronouns like their songs in the past or even Outro: Her off the same album? Yes, Namjoon explained in their interview with Billoard that this decision was one he made because these rare moments and special things in life are something that transcend genders, cultures and barriers between people, and love is also something that doesn’t care about genders, in this case love and destiny don’t care about the fact that they are all the same gender because they are fated anyway, they are soulmates, each others fated person, and their happiness is meant to be in one way or another. Together.
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Birdhouse: The Talks
Whumptober Day Two: Talking is Overrated. TW: dehumanisation, slavery, BBU, bad decisions in therapy.
@neuro-whump, @rosesareviolentlyread, @whumper-in-training, @mylifeisonthebookshelf
The new rescue was called Roman. Not by himself, but by whoever had taken the initiative to name their brand-new captive. He hadn’t yet told her who had give it to him, but he had assured her that he was still happy to be known by the name.
Sunita Kaur had been providing therapy to his those like him for years now, in varying capacities, and he was the newest addition to her caseload. She spent the Wednesday of her working week privately commissioned to support the residents of the Birdhouse Shelter, and with the fee its proprietor paid her, she was able to do the rest of her work completely pro bono. That was the way Avis Jacobitz worked. She paid you what she thought you were worth to her household.
Each new rescue came with new strengths and new challenges. Roman had escaped himself, which often gave them a head start, but not always. He was also in good physical condition, which made sense; the Birdhouse specialised in complex emotional needs more than physical ones. Not that any ex-pet came without their chronic pains and weak immune systems. Roman was prone to dizzy spells and took iron tablets daily.
He was sitting on the comfortable chair with his hands resting on his knees and his back straight. To be sitting on the chair in his first session was another strength. But then, not all ex-pets had been banned from furniture.
“My name is Sunita Kaur. I’m a trained practitioner of counselling for pet industry survivors.”
She didn’t miss the way Roman’s lips moved faintly to echo that term. Pet industry survivor. It was difficult to talk about those labels without reinforcing them, but she had settled on one eventually.
“That’s you, Roman. A survivor of the American organisations that attempt to brainwash and remake people.”
There was no sense of recognition in Roman’s eyes as he thought about that. He didn’t reply.
Sunita gave him a moment to think, and then offered, “How do you feel about that description?”
It’s several seconds, unmarked in their passing, before Roman ventures, “I like being called a rescue.”
“Can you tell me why?” Sunita asks, keeping all reaction clear from her expression. If she so much as twitches a nostril, an ex-pet will pick up on it.
Roman glances down shyly, smiling. “Because I was. There was a new cleaner and she called someone to help me, and now I’m here. I like thinking about her.”
Every word was delivered in the faintest whisper. Sunita was straining her ears.
“Why do you like thinking about her?”
His hands sit perfectly still on his unmoving knees. Only his expression changes. “Because she was nice. And she helped me even though she was a stranger, and I like knowing – strangers can help you.”
Sometimes she wondered at the ability of her patients to love people who had been cruel to them. Sometimes, it wasn’t even that. Sometimes, ex-pets loved people in general, through some innate hope and fortitude all their suffering had failed to tarnish.
She was going to enjoy working with Roman.
-
Florence never made eye contact. Their gaze drifted around her face and off again. They sat in the comfortable chair, leaning slightly against its side, long hair tumbling off one shoulder and an arm stretched out to show the curving line of their body in what had to be an uncomfortable position. They looked like an art piece. They played with their skirt. Sunita was used to this. Florence liked textures.
“I don’t mind,” they said. “Avis has lots of people to care for.”
Sunita nodded. It was something that Florence was already dealing with. Avis split her time with equity as her guiding principle, offering the right amount of support to everyone who needed it. Florence was used to their time with Avis waxing and waning depending on the needs of the others in the house.
‘To each according to their need’ was a powerful concept, unless one of your rescues was always desperate for attention.
Sunita hummed in acknowledgement. “So how do you feel about Roman getting lots of help?” They were the one who had brought it up, after all. There was something there.
Florence ran fingers up and down their silky turquoise skirt. Their gaze flittered across the window. “He’s funny. He acts different.”
“Different how?”
There were no birds in the sky, but Florence’s eyes moved as if there were. “He doesn’t have anyone he loves.”
-
“Of course I love them.” Kamala lifted her chin, hands folded on her lap, the picture of dignified confidence. The neat edge of her hijab was broken only by the lightning-bolt pin she had used on one side. She sat on the very edge of the chair. “The Birdhouse is like my family. We look after each other. That’s not particular to Florence. They just like spending time with me.”
Sunita nodded, showing that she was listening, but didn’t interrupt, hoping Kamala would keep going.
“It’s not wrong to give more time to someone who asks for it,” Kamala continued after a moment, smiling earnestly. “Florence is used to being the centre of attention. It makes them happy. And it makes me happy to help them.”
“We’ve touched on this before, Kamala. You derive a lot of happiness and fulfilment from what services you can offer others, how you can fill their needs. I think you know what I’d like you to think about.”
“My needs,” Kamala answered with a pretty smile. “I understand, Mrs Kaur. I took more time to myself this week, although it was hard. I reread some of the comics I got when I first came here, in my bedroom. I haven’t done that in a while.”
She spoke with perfectly believable sincerity, underlined with a hint of eager-to-please nervousness, of am I doing it right?
“That sounds positive, Kamala. How did that feel, to be spending time on yourself?”
“It’s hard, Mrs Kaur. I don’t like myself very much. But I know it’s what will help me in the long term, so I do my best. If you practice self-care, it will become second nature.”
Sunita was sure she had said those exact words to her before. “That is the goal.”
-
Tenten’s twitch was worse today, jerking his shoulder and running down his arm as he spoke. He didn’t make eye contact, but not in the way that Florence didn’t, always busy looking elsewhere. Tenten kept his eyes averted. His limbs were drawn close together, arms on his knees, as if he was unsure how to sit on something soft.
“I don’t, I don’t want-t t-to, to-to make anyone ss-sad. But I did, m-made her, upset-t, I t-t-t, t-t, I c-c-could see. She was.”
“That’s alright, Tenten. Take your time.” She kept her voice soft and soothing. “I’m not going to think any different of you. I will still be your therapist.”
Tenten made an uncertain noise, his shoulder jumping like a livewire. His foot tapped. “You, but you’re her c-c-counsellor too. I don’t want-t, I might, if I say somet-thing she didn’t want you t-to, to know.”
“I understand your concern. Remember, this is confidential. I will never use what you tell me in my sessions with the others.” She smiled kindly as his eyes flickered to her and away shyly. “But do remember that I talk to Avis before I start sessions, to make sure I’m aware of anything significant. I may already know about the conflict you’re thinking of.”
Tenten’s shoulders hunched, “C-c-con, conflict, huh?” he echoed. “What do you th-think it is?”
She made sure to smile gently. “I’d like you to tell me what happened in your own words.”
He swallowed, his throat bobbing under the maroon neckerchief he always wore. He took a breath. “Okay.”
-
“We’ve been here for forty minutes, Avis, and you still haven’t said a word about yourself.”
Avis leaned back in the armchair, frowning at the wall. “I know,” she admitted. “I know we always end up here. I start talking and it’s about how Roman’s settling in, or Florence’s new night terror, or Kamala and Tenten getting into another argument, or… Boo. Everything about Boo and their – situation. It’s just, I spend my whole life looking after those guys. Even when they’re doing something else, like Therapy Day or tutoring, there’s five of them now, so there’s always something.”
Dr Cerasale showed nothing but patient understanding. It was true, that this often formed the bulk of the sessions he held with Avis. It had been improving for a while, before she’d accepted the new rescue.
“And I know, I find fulfilment in my work, that’s not a bad thing, and some people live with different professional-personal balances. And for my kind of job, there’s not much distance between them. But…”
She stopped, still frowning at the wall.
“What is the downside of that?” he prompted her.
Dark eyes flashed his way. “Do you mean me not having any time to myself, or me seeing my son in every single one of them?”
All patients had their challenges. Avis had a unique living situation and a very unusual career path, but the underlying causes of her mindset were very normal.
“Let’s talk about guilt,” he said, and she broke eye contact.
#whumptober2021#no.2#talking is overrated#whumptober#whump#my fic#the birdhouse#bbu#pet whump#recovery whump#recovery#mental health#deconditioning#conditioning#grief#denial#avis#kamala#roman#florence#tenten
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sonder
pairing: taehyung x reader (exes au)
summary: sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. or
“What am I about to say?”
“That nothing has worked out for you since we dated, because even though the women you date are all wonderful, all you see in them is me,” You exhale, “I might have to kick you out if you say something as predictable as that.”
word count: 3459
warnings: alcohol, smut (penetrative sex, oral f receiving, tae is possessive for like half a second, some tears)
a/n: inspired by these pictures of taehyung. also if this feels rushed, that was on purpose- i wanted to make them kinda messy
Your second whiskey of the evening burns something bitter in the back of your throat, but you welcome it. It’s a welcome respite from the shitty week you’ve had, but that’s besides the point.
One of your favorite things to do to unwind after a tough week is to people watch, and one of your favorite places to do so was at the bars near your apartment. You liked to create vivid stories for these people that walked through the bar- who they were, what their backstories were. It was an amusing game to you, and even if both Yoongi and Hobi told you that you needed a better hobby, you’d only scoff at them.
Speaking of, Yoongi was supposed to be joining you soon. But apparently he’s running late. About fifteen minutes late, according to his cryptic text from earlier:
yoongi: running late, im bringing a friend
You think nothing of it, not really. And you just sip on your whiskey, watching a pair of new faces walk through the door from your stealthy booth in the corner of the bar.
You should’ve known that when Yoongi had said he was bringing a friend, it meant Taehyung. You briefly remember Yoongi telling you that Taehyung had moved back to the city a few weeks ago.
Taehyung, who had moved away halfway across the world years ago as a novice in the art history world. Taehyung, who had broken your delicate heart and taken pieces of it with him more than five years ago.
But even so, you harbor no ill feelings towards the man. He did what he had to do, and you did as well. It’s been so long now, that he should almost be a stranger to you.
Yoongi watches the way your lips part in surprise at the sight of Taehyung- he knows there are still lingering feelings, maybe a lack of closure. Maybe something else that you don’t feel like discussing or diving into. You send him a hearty death glare his way but Yoongi ignores it.
You and Taehyung are nothing if not stubborn. Taehyung hasn’t stopped asking about you since he moved back to the city.
After all, you’ve hardly dated since Taehyung broke up with you. You had sincerely, genuinely believed that he was your one and only, your forever. It just hadn’t felt right, not with anyone else. So you just stopped, not wanting to force love with people if your heart really wasn’t in it.
And now, Taehyung is standing in front of you, dressed in expensive black from head to toe, looking as if he had just walked off of the runway before meeting up with Yoongi. His hair is longer than you ever remembered it being, two small silver hoops in his ears.
Handsome. He looks healthy and warm. He looks good.
You clear your throat and wave at both of them, opening your arms for a hug. Yoongi’s hug is brief, you see the man at least once or twice a week, but you pinch his waist for ambushing you like this. You gasp softly when Taehyung wraps his arms around you. You’d apparently forgotten how his body just fits into yours. Even after all this time.
It truly hasn’t been that long, but it feels like it.
“Hi,” Taehyung breathes into your hair. You should pull away, you really should. You can’t even meet Yoongi’s eyes, too bewitched by the hold that Taehyung somehow still has on you.
You feel as though your heart is running a mile a minute, and yet it feels like you’re greeting an old friend after a long time.
“Taehyung,” You say softly, his name sounding like a ghost of a memory, “It’s been a long time.”
You sit in your booth and Taehyung sits next to Yoongi. It feels like three old friends catching up after a while, not like if two exes are sitting with their mutual best friend trying not to catch glimpses of the other.
You take a sip of your drink with shaky hands. It’s going to be a long night.
At some point during the evening, Yoongi claims that Hoseok has an emergency and that he has to go. You think he planned this (both him and Hobi), because there’s a meddling glint in his eye that you haven’t seen recently.
You panic, scrambling to somehow get Yoongi to stay, so that you’re not alone with Taehyung. You’re afraid of what you might do or say. Or for what you might not do or say.
And yet, talking to him comes like second nature. Maybe it’s because you have years of history between the both of you, even if you haven’t spoken in the last five.
It hurt so much. When he broke up with you, you mourned the loss of your best friend. He had said you could try to be friends, but you couldn’t handle it at the time. And then more time went by… and suddenly, he was barely a thought in your passing mind. Yet, he still lingered, in your mannerisms. Maybe some part of you was still waiting on him. Which wasn’t healthy… But it wasn’t hurting anyone. And besides, you were okay. But you had never really believed in soulmates until Taehyung. Perhaps it was the lack of closure.
At least that’s what you convinced yourself, because seeing Taehyung like this, laughing and talking to you as if no time has past throws you for a loop.
Mainly because… it’s so easy to fall into conversation with him. It’s so easy to laugh with him and make him laugh. You enjoy learning about everything he’s been up to over the last few years, all of his adventures, the sights he’s seen. How enthusiastic he is, how he finds beauty in everything.
You both had always been such good friends. Maybe that’s what you miss more than anything. Somehow, hours go by and you both are left to be the only ones in the bar-
“Hey what brought you here to begin with?” Taehyung asks, holding the door open for you, “Had a bad day? You still like people watching?”
“Yeah,” You say wistfully, “Something like that.”
He squeezes your shoulder in reassurance. You catch his eyes in the streetlights and feel your heart swell.
Even if it’s been more than five years since you saw Taehyung last, since you felt his fingers thread in between yours… it still feels so familiar. It’s funny, isn’t it? How so much time can go by, how you can be strangers on paper but feel like you’ve known his soul for this entire time.
His smile glows in the moonlight. A light breeze cradles him, carding through his dark strands of hair gently. You can vividly recall a time when it was you- your fingers running through his hair through soft laughs and unkept promises.
You wonder if your heart is still his, after all this time. It’s not as if you’ve had many people to compare your all-consuming five year relationship to in the last few years. Every person you met, you found yourself comparing to your ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t healthy.
And you had known that he had moved on from your own mutual friends. You don’t even know if he’s single right now, but you knew he was in a relationship a year ago… Or maybe two? Maybe you should care a little more, but you’ll blame it on the whiskey for causing you to squeeze his hand a little harder and lean into him.
Taehyung looks exactly the same, he feels exactly the same as he did when you were twenty-two and stupid enough to believe that you would make it. He’s always felt like he fit the messy edges of your soul perfectly, and even now, you feel that familiar warmth of his soul rubbing up against yours.
Even as he’s chatting away, eyes crinkling in genuine happiness, you’re hardly listening. You’re only thinking about how nice he feels next to you.
Serendipity. It must be serendipity, for him to show up in your life again when you had been teetering on the edge of misery and self-deprecation. Your head is jumbled, brain filled with nothing but sweet memories of him and your heart is aching for something you might never have again.
But all you have is now. So when Taehyung twirls you easily and sways with you under the dimmed light of a street lamp, pulling a surprised laugh out of you, you make your decision.
“Where’s your new big girl apartment?” Taehyung asks, a hint of longing in his tone.
“It’s not new,” You scoff, “But I live, like, five blocks away.”
Taehyung takes your hand in his again, asking you questions about your apartment. How you found it, do you like it, do you have roommates. To which you shrug and tell him that you like being alone. Something shifts in his eyes, something sad. He recalls your thirst for life when you both had been together- always ready to try something new, always wanting to be around people, always dreaming with your head in the sky.
He wonders what changed. You’re so quiet, eyes a little dark, shoulders tense. Maybe that’s what growing up is. Maybe that’s what tumbling out of your early twenties and into your late twenties is.
Or maybe you’ve just changed in general. It’s been a long time, after all. Since you both mutually broke up, since he moved halfway across the globe.
But still, he catches sparks, flutters of embers in your gaze. He catches the tender, playful excitement that you’ve always held near and dear to your heart- it’s what made you and him such a good team years ago.
Talking to him is so easy, not that you thought it would be difficult to begin with. It’s always been easy with him, easy to laugh with him, easy to love him.
The front door of your apartment building comes into view. Your hand is still in his. Taehyung hesitates on letting you go, but he does.
“It was nice to see you,” Taehyung murmurs, allowing himself the brush of the back of his hand on your cheekbone, “I mean it.”
“Yeah. I’m glad I ran into you, too. Even if I was stuffing my face with whiskeys,” You grin and lean into his touch, “Even if Yoongi probably played both of us.”
“Don’t know when you became such a whiskey girl.”
“It’s been years, Taehyung. I’m sure I’ve got a few more surprises for you,” You say, smile falling into something more intense, “Wanna come find out what they are?”
“Thought you’d never ask, sweetheart.”
Taehyung’s lips are on yours the minute you close the door to your apartment. His hands are molded to your hips over your clothes and you instantly moan into his mouth loudly, slipping your tongue past his lips eagerly. Drinking him up as if he’s been yours to drink up this entire time.
You fumble with the buttons of his peacoat, nearly ready to yank the buttons off. Patience has never been your strong suit, but you just want to feel him.
But the minute you pull away for air, you re-center yourself. No matter how enticing his bitten lips are…
“Are you single?” You ask bluntly.
“Why?” Taehyung says with an arch of his stupidly perfect eyebrow, “You falling in love with me again?”
“Shut up, you wish. I thought you had a girlfriend,” You say pointedly, toeing out of your heels and hanging your jackets up in the coat closet.
“You keeping tabs on me? I knew it,” Taehyung says, looking a little too smug about it.
“Shut the fuck up,” You swat his chest, “Yoongi may have mentioned it to me once or twice.”
More like he told you multiple times when you were drunk, wasted and crying over Taehyung because you never truly got over him. In some corner of the deepest part of your heart, you never got over him.
“I’m not dating anyone. Or talking, seeing anyone,” Taehyung shrugs, “That didn’t work out. Nothing’s really worked out, not since…”
“Don’t say it,” You mutter, “Don’t say what I think you’re about to say.”
You need another drink. So you pour yourself another hefty glass of whiskey and pour one out for him, too.
“What am I about to say?”
“That nothing has worked out for you since we dated, because even though the women you date are all wonderful, all you see in them is me,” You exhale, “I might have to kick you out if you say something as predictable as that.”
“And if it’s true?”
“Then I’m definitely kicking you out. Might need another five years to see you again,” You whisper. He moves closer to you, tentatively holding your hips in his. You don’t push him away, only looking up at him with wide eyes.
“I missed you so fucking much,” Taehyung breathes into your hair, wrapping you in a hug, “You have no idea. And you? Are you single?”
“No, you missed the idea of me. Of us,” You mumble, but you’re unable to pull out of his hold, “We were young, we had dreams… And yeah, I’m single.”
“We could’ve made it work-”
“Taehyung, stop it,” You mutter, throat going dry with barely concealed yearning for him, “We both made the choices we made for a reason. You’re here and I’m here for a reason. Don’t wanna talk about what if’s with you anymore. Just kiss me, Taehyung-”
Taehyung doesn’t need to be told twice, cupping your face in his big hands and pressing his soft lips to yours instantly. Time feels like nothing between you both, but it feels like he’s trying to learn this new version of you through your kiss.
You’re undecided on whether this is a one time thing, but all you know is that you want him. And you want him now. His hands are warm over your thighs as he lifts you up in his arms, your chest plastered to his. His hair has gotten longer, dark strands effortlessly falling into his forehead.
He’s so handsome and you swoon when his lips press against your neck. Taehyung still remembers what you like, what your favorite spots are.
It’s almost as if no time has passed. You both ignore it, ignore the nostalgia creeping into the crevices of your kisses.
“Mmm, my bedroom’s that way,” You mumble hoarsely, pulling away with hooded eyes.
“You’ll have to give me a proper tour later,” Taehyung says, his voice somehow even deeper.
“Yeah, you’d be so lucky,” You snort and Taehyung shuts you up with another searing kiss. He doesn’t miss the meticulous way you’ve decorated your cozy home, pops of color and decorations that are so very you in every corner. He sees a small photo collage in the corner of your bedroom.
Once upon a time, a photo of you and him would’ve been the crown jewel.
“Tae,” You mumble, “Stop, focus on me. I want you-”
So he does.
Your legs close around Taehyung’s head, his tongue slipping into your glossy folds for the third time that evening. He can’t get enough of your soft noises, even when you’re telling him it’s too much, you widen your legs for him to slot in between them easily. Taehyung hikes your legs over his shoulder, nearly rutting into the bed at the sight of your quivering bottom lip and the way your tits bounce.
He palms you lewdly, squeezing and pinching. “You’re so wet,” Taehyung moans into your pussy, “Fuck, baby-”
“Taehyung,” You breathe, voice sounding broken even to your own ears, “I want you, I want your cock…”
“You sure you want this?” Taehyung asks, his voice strained.
“Yeah,” You nod eagerly, “Do you?”
With a nod, “Do you have condoms?” He rasps, nose nudging your clit.
“Y-yeah,” You moan, “The nightstand, first drawer. Brand new box, never before used-”
“Really?” Taehyung raises an eyebrow, “When was the last time, baby?”
“The last time what,” You whine, tugging on his forearm.
“Last time you had sex,” Taehyung says, pulling the box out from your nightstand.
“Uhhh… when you broke up with me?” You shrug sheepishly, rubbing the back of your neck.
“Shit,” He groans, “Seriously?”
You don’t miss how he palms himself over his pants at your words. He’s always had a hint of possessiveness in him, and you already know that he’s trying to process that the last person, the only person to have ever seen you like this was him.
“Yeah, I didn’t have luck the way you did, I guess,” You say lightly, “Not that I was trying very hard, though.”
“Damn, baby, nobody’s been loving you right, huh?” Taehyung says, pulling out a condom from the box with shaky hands.
“Yeah. Not even you,” You say. Maybe that was mean, but his eyes flash at you in warning.
“Come here,” He says, a soft demand, “Did you miss me?”
You shrug playfully and unbutton his pants for him. He swats your roaming hands away and they land on his belly, your nails scratching lazily. Taehyung has always looked like a vision, but seeing him like this, hovering above you with golden, tanned skin and his jaw locked, looking every bit like the man of your dreams...
He commands, demands respect. Your pussy throbs just from the sight of him shucking off his pants and his boxers in one go, tugging his hard and heavy cock roughly with one hand.
You swear you drool. Your head is empty, only thoughts of him, his big hands, broad shoulders-
“Did you miss me, baby,” Taehyung asks again, voice a little rougher, a little harsher.
“Does it matter,” You challenge him, “You only want my pussy-”
“And you only want my cock-”
“So give it to me then. Since you know me so well,” You sneer. You gasp in surprise when he swats your thigh and then moan his name when he pushes the head of his cock into you without much warning.
“You talk so fucking much,” Taehyung breathes, cupping your cheeks with one hand.
“Shit,” You gasp, “You’re so fucking big-”
You squeeze your eyes shut and Taehyung stills inside of you, giving you time to adjust to him. He peppers sweet kisses over your forehead, a contrast to his previous words. You cannot believe that somehow, Taehyung is back in your bed, his cock buried deep within you.
The thought makes your eyes water. You’re a little overwhelmed.
“What’s wrong,” Taehyung asks when he sees your wet eyes, pressing his forehead to yours.
“Nothing, you’re just so big,” You mumble, avoiding his eyes. Taehyung looks at you suspiciously but says nothing.
He’s the only one who’s ever had you like this. The thought makes something in his belly flare, the urge to leave bruises on your welcoming hips and pound into your wet pussy growing and growing with each second.
But he doesn’t move, not until you give him the okay. Taehyung’s fingers are tight around your hips, loose around your neck, his lips plastered to any inch of skin he can reach. With the first rock of his hips into you, you wrap your legs around his waist and shudder in his arms.
He nuzzles your neck, chest plastered against yours. Your nails are tightly pressed into his biceps, surely leaving marks for tomorrow morning. Your soft cries of his name sound like sweet rapture, something he’s been searching for for years. Or something that he had and something he let go of.
And then he wonders how he ever spent the last few years not buried in your pussy, when you feel something like home to him.
“You know, I moved back here a few weeks ago,” Taehyung says, turning on his side to face you, hands gentle over your chest.
“Oh, I know. Yoongi and Hobi wouldn’t shut up about it. They really missed you,” You reply, not meeting his eyes.
“And you? Did you?” Taehyung asks again. You hesitate.
“Does it matter, Taehyung?” You mumble, brushing his hair away from his eyes, “Does it change anything?”
“It could. If you wanted it to,” He murmurs, pulling you into his chest. His fingers are light over your spine, but you scoff.
“Don’t say shit like that,” You sigh, pressing your hand to his face.
He only laughs with his big, bright smile and pulls you in closer, kissing your forehead. “I can leave you know. If you want me to. If this is... weird.”
“I think we’re way past weird, Taehyung. If I wanted you to leave, I would’ve kicked you out by now,” You say easily and ignore the way his smile sends unfamiliar butterflies through your belly, “Go to sleep. I’ll decide if I wanna kick you out in the morning.”
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restart | four
[ SEQUEL TO PERFECTLY WRONG ] | [ series masterlist ]
summary: as you and taehyung start to build your life together post graduation, things become more complicated than what you expected it to be. while taehyung struggles with his inner demons, you’ve become the sole supporter, the pillar, juggling different jobs to keep you two afloat. your love for each other has been put to the test as your relationship continues to face hurdles - hurdles that have you questioning whether or not your relationship will make it through.
pairing: reader x fiancé!kth
genre: post grad au, established relationship au | fluff, angst, smut
words: 4.8k
warnings: cussing/mature language, jealousy, lots of insecurities and overthinking, angst, crying, bar scene, alcohol consumption, flashback scene in the middle of the chapter, a lil sprinkle of fluff, implied sexual content, bickering/arguments
note: honestly, this was ALSO not supposed to get this long but like… 🙃 here we are lol
tags: @enchantaeduniverse @thedarkwinterrose @sapphirejeon @jwlmnbt @bluesharksandfish @ra-mun-e @brightcolorsoffendme @jungcrookthecookbook @sunniejinnie (please message me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)
"Okay, I think that's it." You said, hands on your hips as you and Jungkook walked through your door for the final time.
"What are you selling, the world?" He huffs and puffs.
"For someone who works out often, you complain a lot." He rolls his eyes playfully.
"Where's Tae?"
"Sleeping still." He nods.
"Oh, okay. Ready to go then?" You nodded silently as you grabbed your bag to hitch a ride to the café with Jungkook since he was working today. He starts to talk about the girl who works with you two and how he thinks she's a little cutiepie. He has such a silly crush on her that his cheeks are lightly rose tinted every time he talks about certain encounters they've had. You're happy to see him happy, and you tell him to keep pursuing it since she's a super sweet girl. However, part of you is sad solely because you couldn't say you were 100% happy at this moment. You wish you were, but these problems were hindering you from feeling complete. You just wanted to get past this page in the book.
As soon as you both get to the cafe, you start unloading his trunk and getting everything inside. Jungkook claims he has the last two bags covered, so you walk to the back and take breather just to gather yourself before setting up. But you truly didn't expect to lose it right then and there.
"Okay! I got all the— Y/N?" Jungkook instantly worries when he sees you crying into your hands in the backroom and hurries over to you. "Hey, woah. What's going on?" He gets in front of you, gently trying to pry your hands off of your face.
"Fuck, I'm sorry." You continue to cry as he successfully removes your hands from your face.
"Sorry for what? What's going on?" He wipes your tears with his sweater and lifts your chin to look at you in the eye.
"Nothing."
"The day barely started and you're already crying in the backroom." He says softly. "Don't try and lie to me."
"I just don't know what's going on between me and Tae and it's stressing me out."
"What's going on? Same stuff?" You nod, tears still streaming down your cheeks. You tell him about how he had been super weird about taking Jimin's help and how you both got into a huge argument about it. Then, you told him how last night ended [sparing your poor bestfriend the details] and how you couldn't help but feel used because he simply dismissed you, which is very unlike Taehyung when it comes to arguments and disagreements. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I know he's going through a rough time, but Tae also needs to respect you and look at you as his partner, not someone who's also attacking him or against him. Do you want me to talk to him?"
"No." Simply, no. Because you never get your friends involved like that. You just don't, no matter how much they wanna help. "He looks at me like I am, especially after this whole Jimin thing. I don't wanna say it's stupid because I don't wanna discredit his feelings, but god. Like, should I just do this on my own? Tell Jimin to forget it?"
"No." Jungkook shakes his head. "You're already getting a good start on your goals, Y/N. Don't let that go because of everything going on. Give him some time and space."
"I have been. For awhile now." You sat, feeling completely defeated already, tears still coming down your cheeks.
"Here, I'll go set up and I can take over the table for a bit. I'll ask Isabella if she can cover for a quick second." He stands in front of you, hands out to help support you as if you had lost your footing.
"No, I'll be fine—"
"Y/N, just sit. Okay?" He gives off a small sigh. "Just sit for a second and let yourself take a breather." He gently sits you down and makes sure you don't get up by slowly backing away from you.
"Kook, this isn't Marco Polo."
"I'm just trying to make sure you don't run off because you're stubborn!"
"Hey!" Isabella comes running in, a little confused as to what's happening.
"Hey, can you cover me at the front for a bit?" Jungkook stands back upright in a normal position to ask her sweetly, hands tucked behind his back as he bounced on his feet. This boy.
"Yeah, of course Jungkook." She blushes.
"Thanks. I'll be right back." He gives you a quick look before dashing off. You lay your head onto your arms as they rest on the table, a small headache forming at the center of your forehead.
"You okay, Y/N?" Isabella asks softly as she puts her things away.
"Yeah, sorry. Just a really weird day yesterday."
"I'm sorry." You feel her hand caress your back. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?" She says before shuffling herself out of the room. To be honest, you had no idea what was going on with you, and why you were feeling this way. You were just so sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
This was slowly taking a toll on you, and you weren't even sure if Taehyung realized what he was doing was hurting you in the process.
He can't say he does.
Tae set the weights down back onto the rack aggressively before sitting on the bench, watching Jimin finish his set. They had been working out after lunch, Jimin calling him shortly after Taehyung had fully woken up.
"Are you gonna go to the café after this?" Tae shrugged.
"I don't know, Y/N said she didn't need help and wouldn't be there all day."
"You won't even visit for a bit?" Jimin asks. Usually Tae was rushing to get back to you, but he knew everything that had been going on had been affecting your relationship to an extent.
"We'll see."
"You two coming to the bars tonight then?"
"What are we celebrating again?"
"Nothing. Just getting together like old times. I told Kook, Hobi and Yoongi. They're down." Tae nodded.
"Joon, too?"
"Joon, too."
"Me and Y/N will probably go but I don't think we'll stay long. She has to do that thing at the school—" He scratched his head. "The thing— the exhibit and talking to incoming art students or whatever." Jimin chuckled at how Tae couldn't get his words out.
"It's not whatever."
"You know that's not what I mean." Tae rolled his eyes at him, annoyed all over again at how Jimin had been kissing your ass lately. Cause fuck, the way Jimin had been painting himself as a knight in shining armor, an angel even, was pissing him the fuck off. It made him feel like he wasn't doing enough to support you, or like you couldn't turn to him for help. He hated that feeling, even though he had been rude as hell and showing it in a different way.
"That's fine. Just come out and hang out for a bit." Jimin sighed as he sat on the bench next to him, drinking some water before placing the bottle back down on the ground. "You two doing okay?"
"Yeah, what makes you think we aren't?" Tae asks, getting defensive. Jimin quickly eyes him, reading his body language. He knew Taehyung so well - so fucking well that he knew almost immediately when things were taking a toll on him. Things liiiike.. his parents. As a prime example. Jimin knew Taehyung and his parents obviously didn't have the best relationship, and he knew he took things to heart whenever his father got on him about stupid shit [just like he did over that dinner]. Taehyung wasn't one to show emotion much; he liked showing people he was mentally tough and that he could handle whatever came his way. For the most part, it was true. But, Jimin and Namjoon also knew he wasn't always like that, especially when it came to things that mattered the most to him - his family and you. Taehyung hated to admit it but his family's opinion of him was important no matter what. He was hard on himself because he wanted them to be proud. He wanted to actually feel like he had been doing something good for once. He was still longing for that feeling no matter what he said or did. It was a never-ending battle; like a plot with no happy ending in sight.
"I'm just asking." Jimin threw up his hands, showing that he wasn't suggesting anything behind the harmless question.
"We're fine. I know she's been stressed lately because of work and her art."
"Mmm."
"It's funny." Taehyung chuckles at himself.
"What's funny?" Jimin laughed a bit, confused.
"I didn't expect to be caught up in her like this. After Hana, messing around with all these girls. She's my fucking fiancé."
"Yeah and you better not fuck that up." Jimin stands to gather his things.
"You sound like my dad." Tae jokes, even though he was pretty offended.
"I'm sorry, didn't mean to." Jimin instantly apologizes, knowing everyone had been walking on eggshells around Taehyung lately. "She's a good girl, you've got it good."
Taehyung softly smiles at the thought of you, but he wasn't gonna lie, he was hurt by Jimin's statement. Call him sensitive or whatever, but he wasn't feeling the fact that people were constantly looking at him as a fuck up and hinting at it. It seemed to be a reoccurring theme lately. "You ready?" Tae sighs before grabbing his stuff. They get into his car, departing from the gym to make their way to Jimin's so he can get dropped off before Tae heads home. Taehyung replays yesterday's events in his head, which instantly irks him all over again. But, he has such a soft spot for you that he feels terrible for having been too harsh about it. He was still upset, and he wasn't gonna let up on his feelings. But he knew he should have been better about how he approached it. He knew better than that. He's learned to do better.
➤ FLASHBACK
Taehyung excitedly parks his car at the café to surprise you for your pop up today. He had been working endlessly to finish off finals strongly, and he had been so busy that he hadn't really gotten a chance to help you or support you. He felt terrible about it because you were his babygirl and he wanted nothing but to spoil you for all the hardwork you've been putting in.
He creeps up behind you, bouquet of flowers hidden behind his back. "Excuse me, miss." He says lowly near your ear.
"Holy fuck!" You say as he startles you. "Babe, what the hell! Don't do that!" He laughs.
"What's cookin', goodlookin'?" He wiggles his eyebrows, making you chuckle. "These are for you." He smiles toothlessly as he hands you the pretty bouquet. "And your favorite!" He hands you a Mcflurry cup.
You squeal. "Oreo Mcflurry! Aw, thank you baby." You place a quick kiss on his lips. "But don't ever scare me like that!" You playfully hit his chest, causing him to erupt in laughter.
"You should've seen your face."
"Ha-ha, very funny." You rolled your eyes, causing him to pinch your cheeks.
"How's it going?"
"Welp, I'm almost out for the day." You giggle. "I, uh, may have underestimated." You look down at his hoodie, realizing it was one of the hoodies you had made for a previous collection you sold at Jin's. "Waaaow, cute sweater, who made it?"
"Mm, I don't know if you know her. Her name's Y/N."
"Uh huh?" You nod, hand on your hip, waiting to hear more.
"She stands about this tall." He lowers himself close to the ground, causing you to laugh. "Cute, right? She's beautiful, incredibly smart and sexy. Brilliant visual designer and illustrator. Packed with hella attitude." He pretends to ponder on his thoughts. "I could go on about her, really. She's one of a kind."
"Cute. She must feel lucky." You smile.
"I know, I'd feel lucky if I knew me too." You roll your eyes and playfully hit him. "Ah, I'm kidding." He pulls you into a hug. "I keep this sweater in my trunk."
"Oh, so you keep it in your trunk just for emergency wear?" You sarcastically ask as he holds you from behind.
"Yeah, and cause it's the only sweater I'd choose to wear out of the hundreds I own." You smile up at him. "Mhm, not gonna try and win that one." He places a big, sloppy kiss on your cheek before pulling away. "Show me. How can I help my pretty baby today?"
➤ END FLASHBACK
"Hey, I can't stay out late tonight because of the event tomorrow."
"Yeah, I know." Taehyung says softly.
"Please don't drink too much."
"I wooooooon't." He whines with a small sigh, also slightly offended at that statement. He didn't know what it was, maybe it was the fact that his own father painted him in such a negative light that everything seemed off to him lately. Like people were just out to get him or constantly looking down at him and his actions. A personal attack at who he was. It was slowly piling up for him and he wasn't sure how much more of it he could take.
You prepared a quick dinner while he hopped in the shower. You set his plate aside before taking a look at the mail that had come in today.
Bills, bills and more bills.
You sighed to yourself as it felt like you had just paid things off, but clearly not. Moving into Taehyung's wasn't the greatest idea, being that his space was much more expensive than yours. But, he did have the space you needed for your work. There was money left, but you knew it wouldn't last forever. You hated tapping into your savings and whipping out your credit cards because you wanted to keep yourself clean as much as possible. However, that was proven difficult as of late. It was a sacrifice, especially since Taehyung had cut off his mother's help. Taehyung's pride was such a curse sometimes.
You shook your head, already finalizing the fact that you would deal with it later. You had began to set your things aside for the new student event tomorrow morning. You figured you'd get there early to set up and make your table at neat and cute, so you didnt have to worry much about it right now.
Taehyung comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, hair slicked back and wet. You turn to face him, your eyes wandering down to his chest and bottom area. God, why was he so beautiful? It wasn't fair. You loved him so much that you could crumble even being upset. He talks a whole lot about you being the death of him, when really, this man is going to be the death of you. Truly. There's no debate about it.
Getting to the bar, you both immediately spot your friends in the corner, a huge tower of beer decorating the center of the table. Jimin is the first to stand, coming towards you two with a huge smile on his face.
"Friends!" Jimin yells. "Drink!" He says, holding up two shot glasses.
"Fuck, man." Taehyung says taking the glass. "We just got here."
"So! Y/N needs to be home early remember?" He watches wide-eyed as you two take the shot and make sour faces at each other.
"Okay, I'm good." You say, being that you were the DD tonight. Taehyung could enjoy himself if he wanted to [to an extent], but you definitely needed to be in tip top shape to be a good role model to those incoming art students tomorrow.
Throughout the night, the bar starts to get packed from end to end, you and your friends staying at the table and keeping to yourselves. You could tell Taehyung was crossing the line of pretty fucking drunk, which somewhat bothered you. You literally just told him to take it easy tonight - just for one night - so you could do what you need to do tomorrow.
"Hey." Jimin comes next to you, swinging his arm over your shoulder like he always does. "One more shot?" You give him a toothless smile. Ugh, why the hell not? Your man was drunk, and Jimin had only been helpful lately. You could at least return the favor by taking a shot with him.
"What are we drinking to?"
"You." He smiles. "Your shop. Your art. It'll only go up from here, yeah?" He rose his shot glass up before clinking it against yours and taking it to the neck.
"Mkay, that does it for me." You chuckle. "Thanks for the shot."
"No problem. You doing okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good." You looked at your watch. "Should probably get out of here soon, but Tae looks like he's enjoying himself. I don't wanna drag him out of here."
"We can just bring him home." You shake your head worriedly.
"I don't wanna leave without him." Jimin chuckles and looks over at Taehyung.
"He'll be okay and you'll be just fine tomorrow. Besides, you can make up all the bullshit in the world to tell the incoming students, they'll believe it either way."
"That's mean." You chuckle.
"Come. Let's dance!" Jimin says, leading the way to the empty space near the table. Everyone gets up to dance, Taehyung slipping himself behind you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.
"Can I at least get one minute with my lady without Jimin interrupting?" He says in your ear.
"Taehyung." You flatly say, looking back at him.
"That's your mad face." He holds you tightly from behind as he sways you from side to side.
"I'm not mad."
"Mhm." He kisses the back of your head. "Why don't you have fun with me for a little? We'll go home after this." You couldn't even stay mad at him, with that fucking frustratingly handsome face of his. He was definitely drunk though, you could smell the whiskey lingering on his breath as he danced with you for a bit. You let him be, just so you wouldn't trigger anything within drunk Taehyung. Everyone around you was having a good time, the feeling of nostalgia hitting you pretty hard. You missed the days where you could get together and go to parties after a long week of school. Or, when you would tease the fuck out of Taehyung as his fuckbuddy during parties, or at the clubs. You know, before graduation and responsibilities happened.
But as one hour turned into two, and two turned into three, you found yourself getting restless. It was nearing 2AM and you had to be at the school by 8am - even earlier just to set your table up. You made your way to the bathroom, hoping Tae would get the point and start getting himself ready to leave.
Right.
Once you were out the bathroom, he'd realize you had been gone for a little and start saying his goodbye's. He'd realize time got to the best of him. Right?
"It's a fucking good time tonight!" Jimin tells Namjoon, laughing with him as he watches Joon act a fool with his dance moves.
"I'm sure it is, since you've been in Y/N's space the entire night." Taehyung says it jokingly, but he doesn't realize it only comes off that way in his head. Jimin furrows his brows at him, his high quickly dying with Taehyung's unnecessary comment.
"Don't start with all that. Not tonight. Everyone's having a good time--"
"Or what, Jimin?" Taehyung chuckles like the petty ass he can be. "You know it's true. Don't you think it's a little disrespectful to be crossing boundaries?"
"Hey, let's step back for a bit." Jungkook lightly tugs on Taehyung's arm as he hears the conversation going south quickly. But Taehyung breaks from his grip, stepping forward towards Jimin.
"You really think I would do that to you?"
"Haven't you already? Swinging your arms around her and shit, being all angelic--"
"Tae, come on. That's enough. Don't." Namjoon steps in the middle. "Let's go outside to get some air."
"You really wanna make me look that bad in front of my own girl?" Jimin lightly pushes him away, Taehyung getting too into his space.
"Enough." Namjoon shakes his head, aggressively stepping in the way to create distance. Taehyung shakes his head and walks off, the rest of the group watching as he walks. You finish off in the bathroom, assuming Tae was already getting ready to go. However, you realize your assumption of leaving by the time you're back is absolutely incorrect because when you get to the table, Taehyung is nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Tae?" Kook looks at you frazzled, before his eyes begin to pan the room again.
"Look, don't freak out, but him and Jimin just got into it and he walked off."
"What the hell do you mean they got into it and he walked off?"
"It's nothing, Tae is just drunk—" Kook squeezes your wrist and shakes his head.
"No, it's not just nothing because you and I both know how he's been feeling lately." You run your hand through your hair. "What did he say?"
"He just got into it about Jimin getting close to you lately, and how he felt like he was disrespecting boundaries." You sigh heavily.
"Fuck."
"We have an issue." Namjoon comes back from out of the blue. "He's not around."
"What do you mean?! Where did he go?" You run your hand through your hair.
"Okay, let's not panic." Jungkook tries to relax you. "Let me go check the bathrooms." Namjoon nods as he continues to look around the room.
"Please? We should get home." He nods to you before he's off to check for Tae in the bathroom. You stand near the table awkwardly, worry filling you quickly the more time passes.
"Hey, you okay? What can I do?" Hobi squeezes your arm, his face flushed with a red tint from how tipsy he is. You give him a small, reassuring smile and nod to try and keep calm.
"I honestly don't know anymore, but I'll be good. I think. We're just gonna look for him and head home."
"Is Kookie looking in the bathroom?" You nod. At this point, you catch a glimpse of Jungkook coming back alone.
"Jungkook?"
"I'm sorry, I couldn't find him in there. I swear I tried."
"So, where the hell is he?" Jungkook shrugs.
"Lets check around again. I won't leave until we find him."
"Have you tried to call him?" You had already beaten Yoongi's question, calling Taehyung's phone only to see his phone vibrating and ringing on the fucking table. "Hm, okay. Maybe not."
"Fuck." You snatch Taehyung's phone from the table. "Is he serious right now? It's about to be 2:30AM. How the fuck can he get lost at this time?"
"Y/N just go home, we'll find him and bring him home." Jimin says, coming back from roaming around the place.
"No, I'm not leaving here without him."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen." He says, looking at you in the eye. Although he was pretty fucking pissed, he couldn't help but worry about him either. No matter what, that was still his bestfriend. He didn't want anything to happen to him.
"It's not your fault."
"We need to check around the neighborhood." Jungkook suddenly comes back and grabs your arm. You follow him, Yoongi, Hobi, Namjoon and Jimin outside of the bar, the cold hitting your skin harshly.
"Let's split." Namjoon says. Jimin and Hobi split, Namjoon and Yoongi sticking together to go down a different path. You kept yourself close to Jungkook, knowing there were all sorts of drunk ass men out at this hour and you weren't helping wearing a tiny ass skirt and a deep cut shirt.
"Cutiepie, let me come holla!" A dude yells as he tries to swing his arm around your waist. Jungkook easily pushes him off, glaring at him.
"Back the fuck up." He spits out, your bestfriend coming to your rescue amongst the sea of men you're encountering on the sidewalk right now. He throws his jacket over your shoulders, hoping to shield you from them and the cold. "Your outfit." Jungkook frowns, a little worried.
"I mean, I didn't expect to lose Tae tonight." Once you had gotten to a quieter part of the street, you come from behind to walk beside him. "Where the hell could he have gone?" You whine. You're more worried for his safety and wellbeing right now more than anything and all you wanted to do was find him and bring him home, even though you were slightly worrying about yourself and how things would go tomorrow. You could give him an earful later. It could wait.
"He couldn't have gone far." You both continue down the street, heading towards your car, hoping he may be around the area. Jimin calls to check in, saying him and Hobi hadn't caught sight of him yet, and the same thing goes for Yoongi and Joon. You almost want to cry when you don't see Taehyung near your car, but Jungkook ends up walking further down towards the park near your parking spot. "Y/N! Here!" He calls out, running towards an individual slumped over on their knees on a bench. "Taehyungie?" Jungkook sits next to him and shakes him a bit.
"Shit dude, I just kept walking then I suddenly had no idea where I was at." He drunkily says as you sit next to him and sigh heavily.
"No one said you had to do that, Tae."
"I just needed some air."
"Yeah and look where that got you, it's close to 3AM." You respond, irritated.
"Y/N." Jungkook says softly, shaking his head at you as if he were signaling for you to quit with your attitude. "Let's go back to the car." Jungkook watches him stand up and wobble a bit, but eases up when he realizes Taehyung is capable of walking himself to the car. You three get back safely, letting the others know that you had found him before driving Jungkook back towards the club so he can meet with everyone else. You quickly thank him for his support before driving off to head home.
The car is incredibly cold, and silent.
"Love, I'm sorry. I just needed air and got lost." He breaks the silence.
"I see that." You say softly as you drive home, keeping your eyes glued to the road in front of you.
3:23AM.
"Please don't be mad." He gives your thigh gentle squeeze. "I just got a little into my head tonight." You sighed, gently removing his hand from your thigh.
"Taehyung, I'm your fiancé, I'm doing this with you and only you. Do you even understand how worried I was? You just walked off, without your phone. Without saying anything to me. Just cause you got in your head for no reason."
"I'm sorry." He repeats at a whisper. You don't say anything else for the rest of the drive home. You silently park the car and head to the apartment, Taehyung sluggishly following behind you. He knows you're bothered, knowing it's closing to 3:30AM and you had an early morning. Honestly, he didn't realize how drunk he was until he had gotten himself into that argument with Jimin then got lost, especially without his phone. The fact that he had made you worry and stress like that made him feel terrible, especially after these past few days. You could have easily left, but you didn't leave without him even if it was this late. He instantly just wanted to cuddle you and tell you how sorry he was.
You quietly get ready for bed and line your things up by the door, just so it would be an easy quick and grab as you head out in the morning. You slip yourself into the sheets, Taehyung following shortly after he gets himself ready for bed. He shuts off all the lights and grabs himself a water bottle to sit by his nightstand before slipping in next to you.
"I love you." He whispers against your ear, wrapping his arms around you. But you don't respond. He peeks over to see your eyes shut, silently sighing to himself as he nuzzled his head against the nape of your neck. He knows you aren't fast asleep yet, and it hurts him that you hadn't said it back. You both just knew exactly how to love each other well, but also push each other's buttons. But, maybe, it was true - he was just fucking up left and right lately. Enough for you to go to bed without saying 'I love you' back.
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'cause baby if i find a way, i'm sure of it, this love won't stray; just give me a chance to say i love you, and i need you. now are you here to stay, or fade away like every other day? you're the reason that i lie awake
track two: 3AM - finding hope
#bts#bts fanfiction#taehyung fanfiction#taehyung#kim taehyung#taehyung x reader#kth x reader#writing#restart#restart series#sequel to perfectly wrong#perfectly wrong sequel#kth series#taehyung fluff#taehyung angst#taehyung smut#kim taehyung angst#kim taehyung fluff#kim taehyung smut#kth angst#kth fluff#kth smut
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Book Recs
I was gonna do one of these at the end of the year, but I’ve somehow managed to read 26 books this year already (12 novellas, 14 novels), almost all featuring queer authors and/or characters so this is already a long list.
Note: There’s a few on here I was kind of meh about, but in most of those cases it was a ‘book might be good but it’s not for me so i’ll mention it to put it on people’s radar anyway’ type of thing. Insert the usual necessary tumblr disclaimer about all of this being only my opinion and your opinions are valid too etc etc.
In order of when I read them:
Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower by Tamsyn Muir - Fantasy novella from the author of gideon the ninth that’s a twist on the classic princess trapped in a tower waiting for a prince story. Quite fun. (novella)
The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht - Dark fantasy about revenge and magic. m/m couple but like I said it’s pretty dark and twisted all around so definitely not a happy queer romantic story. My opinion was interesting premise that could have been executed better and probably should have been a full novel to embellish on the world building potential. (novella)
A Memory Called Empire & A Desolation Called Peace - Arkady Martine - Probably tied with murderbot as the best things I read this year. Scifi, f/f couple, wonderfully done exploration of what it means to fall in love with a culture that is destroying your own. More of the many queer anti-imperialist books that have come out recently and certainly some of the best. The second one is a direct continuation of the first. (2 novels)
The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson - This is the third in the Baru Cormorant series (The Masquerade) and was my favorite so far. The second and third book were originally one book that got split I believe and the second book didn’t stand alone as well (though was still great), but the third book really made up for that. Dark fantasy world starring a queer woc whose country and culture is destroyed by the imperial forces of that world colonizing and assimilating them. She vows revenge and decides to work her way up within her enemy’s ranks to enact it from within and bring an empire to ruins. Really really fascinating study of so many different aspects of our own world and the systems which enable and allow bigotry and how bigoted and violent narratives are used to control minorities. This is definitely a darker series and I was particularly impressed with some of the commentary on the racism prevalent in non-intersectional feminism as depicted through a fantasy world. Can’t wait for the last one to come out! (3 novels, 1 forthcoming)
The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells - There’s six of them--5 novella and a novel--and the first is All Systems Red. Told from the point of view of a self-aware droid/android that is rented out by a corporation to provide protection in a dystopian capitalist hellhole future that isn’t that unlike our current capitalist dystopia but is in space. Muderbot hacked the chip that controlled it and instead of going rogue just wants to be left alone to watch its favorite tv shows. Murderbot is painfully relatable and the books are both funny and poignant. Highly recommended. (5 novellas and a novel).
Winter’s Orbit - Everina Maxwell - This was a m/m romance novel with a scifi backdrop of royal intrigue. Generally I’m more into scifi with a queer relationship in the background than vice versa, so it wasn’t my favorite, BUT I think it was still well written and someone looking for more of the romance angle would enjoy it. Has all your favorite romance tropes in it, especially the yearning. (novel)
The Divine Cities - Robert Jackson Bennett - Three book series. I’m very conflicted about this one. Set in a fantasy world where an enslaved nation overthrew the country enslaving them and now rules over them. It’s a story of what happens after the triumphant victory and within that it’s also a murder mystery tied into the dying magic of the conquered nation. It also has a six foot something naked oily viking man fist fight a cthulhu in a frozen river. The second book was by far my favorite, mostly due to the main character being brilliant. My conflict comes from the fact I don’t feel like the story treated its women and queer characters well. Like it had really great characters but it didn’t do great by them overall. That and the third book didn’t live up to the first two. But still definitely worth a read, can’t stress enough how cool some of the world building was. (3 novels)
Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant - This might be the only one on here I disliked. It’s got a doomed boat voyage and creepy underwater terror and monsters and a super diverse cast of characters, but I just didn’t enjoy the writing style. While having a diverse cast is great, there were a lot of moments where it felt like characters were pausing to explain things about themselves that felt like a tumblr post rather than a normal conversation you might have while actively being hunted by monsters. I also bounced off all the characters. But a lot of people seem to have liked it so if you’re into horror and want a book with a f/f main couple then maybe you’ll enjoy it. (novel)
Dead Djinn Universe - P. Djèlí Clark - Around the early 1900′s, a man in Egypt discovers a way to access another world and bring Djinn and mysterious clockwork beings called Angels through. As a result, Egypt tells the British to get fucked and Cairo becomes one of the most powerful cities in the world. So Egypt, magic, djinn, a steampunk-ish vibe, oh and the main character is a butch queer woman who enjoys wearing dapper suits and looking fabulous while she investigates supernatural events. Her girlfriend is also mysterious and badass. And she has a cat. There’s three novella (one of which technically might be considered a short story) and then the first novel. You should absolutely read the novellas first (A Dead Djinn in Cairo, The Angel of Khan el-Khalili, The Haunting of Tram Car 015). Super fun and imaginative series. (3 novellas and a novel, more forthcoming)
River of Teeth & Taste of Marrow - Sarah Gailey - From the book description
“In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true. Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two. This was a terrible plan.”
Queer hippo riders!!!! Very much a western but with hippos. Main couple included a non-binary character. Loved the first one. The second one I was more meh about due to one of the characters I was supposed to like having obnoxious man pain that a woman had to take the brunt of the whole time. Also there were less hippos. But queer hippo riders! Definitely read the first one, and they’re both novellas so no reason not to read the second as well. (2 novellas)
A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers - I may be the only person who hasn’t read the long way to a small angry planet at this point, but I did grab her new novella and I loved it. It made me want to go sit out in the woods and feel peaceful. The world it’s set in feels like a peaceful post-apocalypse...or diverted apocalypse maybe. Humans built robots and robots gained sentience, but instead of rebelling they just up and left and went into the wilderness with a promise that the humans wouldn’t follow them.The remaining human society reshaped itself into something new and peaceful. It’s the story of a monk who leaves their habitual monking duties to go be a tea monk and then later wanders into the wilderness and becomes the first human in ages to meet a robot. Very sad there’s no fan art yet. (novella, more forthcoming)
The March North - Graydon Saunders - This was such a weird book that I’m not sure how to explain it. The prose style is hard to get used to and I suspect a lot of people will bounce off it in the first chapter. There’s no third person pronouns used at all and important events get mentioned once in passing and if you blink you’ll miss them. Set on a world where magic is extremely common to the point that rivers sometimes run with blood or fire and the local weeds are something out of a horror movie and most of the world is run by powerful sorcerer dictators, one country banded together (with the help of a few powerful sorcerers who were tired of all the bullshit) to form a free country where powerful sorcerers wouldn’t rule and the small magics of every day folks could be combined to work together. The story revolves around a Captain of the military force on the border who one day has three very powerful sorcerers sent to them by the main government with the hint that just maybe there’s about to be a big invasion (there is) with the implication of take these guys and go deal with this. The world building is extremely complex and very cool...when you can actually understand what the fuck is going on. There is also a murder sheep named Eustace who breathes fire and eats just about everything and is a Very Good Boy and belongs to the most terrifying sorcerer in the world who appears as a little old grandma with knitting. It had one of the most epic badass and wonderfully grotesque battles I’ve ever read. But yeah, it is not what I would call easy reading. Opinions may vary wildly. I did also read the second one (A Succession of Bad Days) in the series which was easier to follow and had a lot more details about the world, but overall I was more meh about it despite some cool aspects. The chapters and chapters of the extreme details of building a house that made up half the novel just weren’t my thing. (novels).
The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson - In this world parallels universes exist and we’ve discovered how to travel between them, but the catch is you can only go to worlds where the ‘you’ there is already dead. This turns into an uncomfortable look at who would be the people most likely to have died on many worlds and how things like class and race would fit into that and what we would actually use this ability for (if you guessed stealing resources and the stock market you’d be correct). The main character is a queer woc who travels between worlds with the assistance of her handler (another queer woc) who she has the hots for. She accidentally stumbles on a whole lot of mess and conspiracy and gets swept up in that. Really enjoyed it. (novel)
Witchmark - C.L. Polk - Fantasy world reminiscent of Victorian England (I think?) where a young man with magical gifts runs away from his powerful family to avoid being exploited by them. He joins the army and fights in a war and comes home to try and live a quiet life as a doctor, but a murder pulls him into a larger mystery that upturns his life. Also he’s extremely gay and there’s a prevalent m/m romance. This one was a fun-but-not-mind-blowing one for me. (novel, 2 more in the series I haven’t read)
The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon - This was one of those that everyone loved but I couldn’t get into for some reason. I tried twice and only got about halfway through the second time. It’s got dragons and queer ladies and fantasy world and all the things I like, but I wasn’t that invested in the main story (which included the f/f couple) and was more interested in the smaller story about a woman trying to become a dragon rider. There are few things that beat out a lady and her dragon friend story for me and that was the storyline that felt neglected and took a different turn right when we got to the part I’d been waiting for. But, I know a lot of people whose reading opinions I respect who loved it, and if you like epic fantasy with dragons and queens and treachery and pirates and queer characters then I’d say you should definitely give it a try. (novel)
Bonus: I didn’t read these series this year, but if you haven’t read them yet, you should.
Imperial Radch (Ancillary Justice) - Ann Leckie - Spaceship AI stuck in a human body out for revenge for their former captain, but that summary does not come close to doing it justice. Another one examining imperialism and also gender and race.(3 novels)
Kushiel's Legacy Series - Jacqueline Carey - This is two series, six books total, and starts with Kushiel's Dart. Alternate universe Renaissance-y Europe in a fantastical world where sex isn't shameful and sex workers are respected and prized. Lots of political intrigue and mystery. A lot of BDSM and kinky stuff too (the main character is a sexual masochist, oh and also bi!). I first read this series when I was fifteen or sixteen and it definitely made a big impression on me. Same author also wrote the Santa Olivia series which I’d also recommend. (6 novels)
The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir - I mean, if you follow me, you know. If you don’t follow me you still probably know. I’d have felt remiss to have left them off though. Lesbian Necormancers in Space. Memes! Skeletons! Biceps! Go read them. (2 novels, 2 forthcoming, 1 short story)
Books On My To Read List:
Fireheart Tiger - Aliette de Bodard
The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water - Zen Cho
Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse
This Is How You Lose the TIme War - Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone
Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee
Also, if anyone has any recs for scifi/fantasy books starring queer men (not necessarily having to do with a queer relationship) and written by queer men I’d love them. There’s a lot written by women, and some of them are great, but I’d love to read a story about queer men from their own perspective.
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aight aight idk of this is a good request but monsta x as your employees or something and they're whipped af for you?? but make it nsfw 👉🏻👈🏻🥺🥺 it's v broad I know but do with this what you want
x shy anon
Monsta X as your whipped employees
note: I'm so sorry, I forgot the nsfw part 😭 (i didn't read over the request again before starting to write it) some of these hint at sexy time but they are mainly imagines for how they would behave around you and the office after realizing they like you more than they should
This is supposed to be a lil present for you, happy birthday! ❤
if you like my fics please reblog them with a nice comment or tag
POV: You are Monsta X's employer and they are whipped for you.
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Shownu : the servant
very hardworking; he doesn’t get distracted from his work easily but when you bend down a little too low to show him something on the screen, he turns his head away, blushing heavily
he’s very slick with the way he communicates with you, offering to make you a coffee and carrying things for you
does those things without a second thought because he wants to be useful (subconsciously he just wants to be close to you)
when you ask him why he is always following you around the office he starts to stutter, mumbling something about how he didn’t mean to be creepy he just wants to help you out, but you can tell by the way his breath hitches that there is some deeper meaning behind his actions
he ends up taking a job at another company so he can ask you out on a date (he doesn’t have to, but he wants to show you how serious he is and that he doesn’t just want to sleep his way to the top)
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Wonho : the mess
becomes a blushing mess the minute he realises he has a crush on you
avoids eye contact when talking to you and tries to not bump into you in the office (which turns out to be harder than he thought because it’s not exactly a big office space)
he’s usually smart and quick on his feet but when you ask him a question now it takes him forever to answer and he often miscalculates numbers in his reports
you quickly notice how off he is and start to worry that something private might taint his mind, so you tell him to take a couple of days off and he looks at you with sad eyes thinking he is close to getting fired
he can’t stop thinking about you while he is at home and after his friends give him a kick in the ass to finally man up and confess to you, he calls you up, blurting “I love you” and instantly hanging up again
you pay him a visit and end up staying the night (and a couple more) and his concentration seems to return to normal as he can finally call himself yours
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minhyuk : the comedian
starts his day by telling the joke of the day, gets everyone to laugh and raises the spirit in the office
his workspace is covered in post it notes with little scribbles he drew himself (“Shouldn’t you be working?”, you ask him as he is drawing again; “but this is work, a work of art, like you *wink*”)
surprisingly, he always hands in his reports on time and never makes any mistakes
he tells you up front that he is attracted to you, but you take it as one of his jokes
after years of working with him he asks you why you never made him your valentine (“Why would I?”; “Well, you’ve known that I like you for three years now and you haven’t fired me yet so I’m assuming you like me back, yet you’ve never asked me out.”)
when you tell him that you thought he was just play flirting he gets all serious, telling you that he would never joke about something like that
you take your time thinking about what he had said and how you felt about him but when the 14th of February comes around you slip him a post it note with a scribble of a heart and the question “Will you be my valentine?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kihyun : the daydreaming altruist
respect the authorities and elders is his number one principle, so he never dreamed of asking you out (it seemed unprofessional and rude to him), even when your sheer presence made his heart jump out of his chest
he tries to date other people, but he can’t push down his feelings for you, every time he ends up in someone’s bed, he can’t help but moan your name
cries himself to sleep because he doesn’t want to lose you, but he also can’t move on from you
he daydreams a lot while he’s at work and barely gets anything done
when his performance review comes in you are shocked to see his low numbers and confront him about it, he is apologetic and takes full blame, lowering his head in shame
“Gosh, you’re cute…”, you mumble to yourself, trying to figure out what to do with him, “tell me what hinders you from working. Be completely honest and don’t be scared about coming off as rude, I want us to find a solution, together.”
“You”, he admits, and his sudden bluntness almost makes you fall out of your chair (you settle on late night dates and his performance miraculously enhances)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hyungwon : the perfect balance
he’s considered the quiet one at the office so when he asks you to join him and his friends for a karaoke evening you are quite literally left speechless
he works hard and focused during the day and plans out crazy dates for the night
no one at the office expects you two to date since he is very good at hiding his feelings in public, but he makes sure you still feel appreciated and loved, cuddling into you and professing his love when you two are alone
you stay together for a long time, perfectly balancing your work and love life and eventho he gets job offers from other companies for higher pays, he stays loyal to you and your company till the end
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jooheon : the attention craver
tries to gain your attention as much as he can, thinking that’s gonna win you over
gets sulky when you don’t greet him in the morning, eventho you are clearly stressed
does everything you ask him to do and more (overachieves), knocking at your office door when he has finished his work to ask you if there’s anything else to be done (it gets to a point where you have no work for other employees left because he simply does too much, too fast)
when you tell him to go take a break you find him in the cafeteria, reading over his reports while his soup gets cold
“Do you really love working or do you just want to impress me?”, the question had been lingering on your mind for a while but when you finally confront him about it, he falls silent
he admits that he wants you to notice him and you tell him you do, but you are worried he’ll get a burnout
you tell him it’d be better if he left the company, for his own health, but before he breaks out into tears you ensure him that you have indeed fallen for him and this was the only plausible solution to ensure a serious future for you two
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Changkyun : the fuckboy
flirts with other colleagues to make you jealous, but it only makes you see him as a fuckboy
when you tell him to mature and leave his horniness at home, he becomes beat red, his confidence dying down in his throat
everyone has a crush on him (boy or girl) and you are surprised to find out he’s turning all of them down
he would never admit his feelings for you, and he is lowkey intimidated by your assertiveness, his facade shattering to pieces the second your hand lays on his shoulder
he wants nothing more than to be bent over that stupid desk of yours, writing drabbles about his imaginations
one day he accidently attaches one of his personal word documents to an email instead of his report and when he realises his mistake, he rushes to your office to tell you to please not open the email, but you already did, looking up at him with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, telling him to lock the door behind him
needless to say, he is your fuckboy now
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masterlist
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taglist: @euphoricsunflowers, @baa-nana, @vanillaknj, @mingiibabieee, @sub-hoshi-enthusiast, @soya-zz, @coeurbreak, @mellowriting , @submissive-bangtan
#monsta x#mx#mx!au#monsta x!au#office au!#monsta x x reader#mx x reader#shownu#son hyunwoo#shownu imagine#shownu x reader#monsta x imagine#monsta x headcanons#Wonho#wonho x reader#wonho imagine#minhyuk#minhyuk x reader#minhyuk imagine#kihyun#kihyun x reader#kihyun imagine#hyungwon#hyungwon x reader#hyungwon imagine#jooheon#joohoney#jooheon x reader#joohoney x reader#jooheon imagine
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thank you @chiptrillino for tagging me in a wip game!
not quite sure what the rules are but based off of your AMAZING POST OF ART WIPS (check it out here yall chip is so talented) ive decided to just share some parts of my writing wips that i rlly like because i cannot draw whatsoever lmao
enjoy some lil snippets hehe
from heart don't stand a chance:
"Zuko couldn’t get over her eyes. She was looking past the camera towards the man who took it. Zuko could see clear as day the love she held for Sokka in her gaze.
It was a perfect moment that Sokka had captured. No wonder held it with him at all times. If someone had looked at Zuko like that, he’d never want to see anything again.
As he took in the photograph, Sokka sat next to him in silence. His hand was clutching the ring around his neck again in his fist, pressing it close to his mouth as he peered over Zuko’s shoulder to look. Zuko turned to him to compliment the picture and saw a sad fondness lingering in his eyes."
this is a scene i wrote a while ago thats gonna appear in a much later chapter. but yeah. more yue angst for you guys im so sorry.
from i love you (and that's all i really know):
"Mister Sokka," a little voice wishpered in his ear as he felt tiny pokes on his cheek, "Wake up Mister Sokka."
"Good morning to you too Izumi," Sokka responded wearily as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He looked towards the little girl who was standing on her tippy toes to see over the edge of the bed and poke his face until he rose.
She smiled at him once she realized he was awake.
"Can we have pancakes?" She asked shyly, hiding her mouth just below the edge of the bed as she looked up at him with hopeful eyes.
That look was going to be dangerous for him later on, he could aready tell.
"Sure thing, Izumi, just let me sleep for five more minutes, mkay?" He asked as he shut his eyes again. He was exhausted from last nights events, and the sun had barely risen. How did Zuko do this?"
this is a scene from the next chapter of this fic. so much sokka and izumi bonding you guys are gonna explode hehehe.
from cherry (the mailee fic i wont shut up about that is now a whopping 19 pages):
"Mai never had to guess with Ty Lee. She always knew when Ty Lee was happy about something because she would use an obnoxious amount of exclamation points. She would send gifs of people or cartoons making outlandish expressions whenever she wanted to react to Mai’s text with a specific facial expression. Sometimes Ty Lee would even send voice memos whenever her thoughts became too long, or she got too excited about a story that her fingers couldn’t type as fast as she could speak."
hehe i love mailee.
from yours (the mailee sorority fic that i promise i did not forget about):
"Mai lifted her head off the pillow again and met Zuko’s eyes. She studied his impassive expression, trying to figure out if he was joking or not. He did seem like he missed Mai and Azula, so maybe he did really just want to catch up with them.
But Mai wasn’t going to give up a golden opportunity like this.
“Tell us everything about the boy toy as well and you’ve got yourself a deal,” Mai said.
Zuko rolled his eyes and sighed, “Ugh, fine. And his name is Sokka by the way.”
“Nuance. You also have to wake up Azula.”
“No chance in hell,” Zuko scoffed, “You’re the roommate and her fellow ‘pong princess,’ wake-up duty is all yours.”
“If she murders me, it’s your fault. She’s a bitch when she’s hungover.”
“Whatever you say, Mai,” Zuko grinned before returning back to his phone."
i have decided that zuko is a little shit for this fic and no one can stop me.
from Where'd All the Time Go? (the yuekka fic that i have severe writers block with that i also promis i have not forgotten about):
"“Sokka I really think you need to take a moment and-”
“I am fine Aang, I don’t have time for a feelings talk right now. Right now I need to find the fucking chief of this damn place.” His words came out harsher than he meant, but he didn’t have the time to dwell on that.
Before Sokka could run off again to continue his search, a hand grabbed his arm. One of Arnook’s advisors, Malina, had started dragging him towards the podium.
“Do you not realize how late you are for this Sokka? The ceremony was supposed to begin with your speech nearly an hour ago-” she hissed at him as she pulled him along through the crowd.
“Malina I’m sorry but I really need to speak with Arnook it is urgent-”
“This damn speech of yours is what’s urgent right now Sokka, you can speak with Arnook later but the guests are getting antsy so you need to give your speech right. Now.”
“But-”
“Now.”
Maline shoved Sokka towards the podium and suddenly all eyes were on him. Every guest in attendance had their focus solely on Sokka."
homeboy is stressed in this scene. things are slowly going to shit in this chapter. i promise i will update this before the end of the year. i swear. im so sorry.
from a currently untitled jetko/sukka boiling rock fic:
"“Oh good, you survived after all,” She said in a mocking tone.
Jet didn’t answer. He knew anything he said would be used against him. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know what was happening. But he would be damned if he showed that weakness in front of the fire nation.
“I was told you were more talkative than this,” the girl mused. There was something familiar about her, “my informants were very detailed when discussing your little teashop romance.”
I knew it. Jet snarled in his mind, That bastard betrayed me."
i want this fic to be a little darker but idk how good i am at writing darker fics because i love fluff and humor too much. this could be good angst practice for me.
from a toph and sokka fic that i wrote a while back to help me cope w some shit that i dont know if ill ever post:
"“Sokka? Are you still there?” Toph asked, the slightest hint of concern began to slip into their voice
“Tell me a story,” he was trembling. Despite all of his efforts to sound calm, he knew his voice came out trembling and scratchy and pathetic-
“Is everything okay? You don’t sound too hot,” Toph said through the phone.
Breathe, Sokka, breathe. You don’t want them to be worried, you just need to calm down.
“Please, Toph, I just,” he said through shaky breaths that weren’t nearly deep enough for him to be getting enough oxygen, “I just need a distraction. I just need to hear your voice okay?”"
nonbinary toph anyone?
from a 10 things i hate about you kataang and zukka au:
"“What? Something on my face?” the guy asked deadpanned. He rubbed at his scar as if he were wiping off a smudge of mustard, and Aang’s face went pale.
“Stop scaring the sophomores Zuko, this one’s new. He won’t get your… humor… just yet,” Ms. Wu said as she waved Aang off again.
“I’m hurt that you’d imply I’m not funny, Wu. I’m hilarious,” the senior, Zuko, said as he walked past Aang.
Aang let out a sigh of relief knowing that this Zuko guy didn’t seem all that offended by his awkwardness, and darted out of the room."
zuko is a little shit part 2. the amount of sarcasm i have dripping off of heath ledger zuko is glorious. let zuko be a little shit. i havent added to this in months but when i finish some of my other wips i cant wait to get back to this.
i have more wips and drafts saved but none of them have anything juicy or funny or interesting yet because all of them are like less than three pages so far
but yeah, heres a good chunk of sneaky peakys from my wips!
I hope you liked them!
anyone who wants to do this can totally go for it. imma tag @ambykinns @lumities and @flowers-inthepieshop (only if you all want too!!) because this was fun :)
#liv talks about writing#liv talks ab fanfic#liv wips#liv fics#i love sharing my writing#especially when i have a bit of a block going on with well.... every fic#maybe this will give me inspiration!!!#i love sharing my writing im proud of these little snippets and i hope you all likes them as well :)#atla#avatar: the last airbender
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How “Zombie Garfield” Happened
Hello, friends.
Today, I want to talk about a comic series that is extremely special to me because it is one of the many comics that made me realize what I wanted to do as a calling and it helped shame my childhood as well as my sense of humour: Garfield. Sadly... this essay will be a negative one, but it needs to be written. It is how the “Zombie Garfield” came to be. No, it’s not a Halloween special, it is a case of how the downfall of Garfield happened and how it became nothing more than a shadow of what it once was. Note that this essay is also subjective and I am well aware that some fans like the new Garfield. I have nothing, but respect for those fans, but as someone who read Garfield from the beginning and owned a large majority of its books for the last 25 years, I can tell you that the iconic orange fat can is not what he once was and while he has yet to lose weight, he has lost a lot of his original charm. And it goes well beyond seasonal rot. To understand how Zombie Garfield came to be, I will list all the things that made classic Garfield great and how those qualities are now gone. And for the record, this is coming from someone who supports reboots and getting with the times.
1- Garfield is still and always will be a cat. - No matter out outlandish, wacky, ambidextrous his forepaws are or quirky Garfield will act, he will always fall back on being a cat. He cannot talk meaning no one can understand or hear his thoughts, he walks on four legs most of the time and he is a creature of his species habit. With the exception of eating mice that is.
In short, Garfield was smarter and more self-aware than the average cat, but he is a cat and would act like one. That was part of what made him funny, but over time, Garfield would walk only on his hind legs which now had human like feet, everyone could hear his thoughts or he could talk, and he was able to do everything a human being could do. In other words, Garfield became more like an anthropomorphic cat playing the part of a cat.
It just isn’t the same and while I love the Looney Toons for being this way, Garfield isn’t a Looney Toon. He was his own unique thing and now, that uniqueness is gone and I’m not the only who misses it. After all, Garfield paved the way for other pet themed comics thanks to being a cat. It also feels all the more wrong to stop being what he is supposed to be for that reason.
2- Garfield has a heart. - While Garfield has the personality of a problem child and slightly bullying big brother, deep down, he loves John, Odie and at one time, the comic was on the path with Garfield even growing to love Nermal. And no, this isn’t a joke. At one time, Nermal growing on Garfield was a thing.
That was also a huge part of the joke. Garfield was cynical, sarcastic and savage, but deep down, had a lot of love to give. And that is why we loved the comic strip. After all, how can you have a family slice of life comic if there’s no love? Now, Garfield’s antics have become outright sadistic to the point of being grimly homicidal which I get is funny to some, but to a long time fan like me, that is shocking and not the Garfield I know. At all. And not just Garfield. Everyone in the comic has become so mean spirited. While the Garfield family was never a perfect one, it was never dysfunctional like it is now. While even Nermal used to say clever quips, he was never actually mean because he actually admired Garfield. Now, the heart has been replaced with stone and it shows.
3- Garfield was relatable. - And not just for people with cats or for socially awkward people like Jon. Garfield was relatable to people in general because it dealt with issues that the average person could relate to. It wasn’t all about Garfield being a glutton or just putting down Jon. While exaggerated at times, at the core, we could all put ourselves in the characters’ shoes at one time or another. Kind of like, this situation right here;
Nowadays, we have Garfield taking these mission impossible type trips all the way in the Amazon jungle, he finds a dinosaur bone in his backyard and there was even a special about him becoming a superhero.
Now, I don’t mind specials that switch it up, but even the specials should be grounded in reality because that was Garfield’s major audience: real people. And I also understand that the new Garfield Show cartoon is aimed for children, but the type of episodes it features feel like they belong in another setting. Not for Garfield.
4- Everyone would win and lose some sometimes. Including Garfield. - In other words, Garfield was not a Mary Sue who would get away with everything no matter how awful he acted. Sooner or later, he would get his karma moments just like everyone else would. And on the flipside, the others would win every now and then for their efforts including Jon and Odie. This kept the characters interesting and funny.
Now, there seems to be an unwritten rule that no matter how bad Garfield acts, the worst he gets is a slap on the paw. And also, Jon just isn’t allowed to win anymore (with the exception of the point I will bring up next and I’m surprised he still has that with how he is written now). This has changed Garfield into a mischievous yet loveable cat to a borderline abuser. This is absolute not the Garfield I know at all. Sure, he was savage at times, but never cruel. And Jon was socially awkward and had a rocky love life, but he was never THIS inept.
5- Jon’s struggle with winning Liz’s heart. - If there was one true plot to Garfield, it was Jon finding true love though specifically, him trying to woo Garfield’s vet Liz. It was always kind of hinted that sooner or later, Jon would finally capture her heart and it was something we were all rooting for yet at the same time, it would be bittersweet because it would mark the end of the series just as Steve Urkell finally winning Laura Winslow from Family Matters marked the end of that series. As long as Liz only at best tolerated Jon, it meant that the story was still going on and in its defense, the comic was still funny throughout that period even if by the end, its age was starting to show.
And on a side note, I mean even years after this phase of the comic, but this is the best of the Jon wooing Liz strip’s in my opinion. Anyway, when the fateful day happened where the pair finally went steady, we all expected to end. Of course, not abruptly as there would be a few new jokes to tell, but the story ran its natural course and the only big left to do was end it on a high note with Jon and Liz most likely either getting married or at least living together... but that didn’t happen. The comic is still ongoing which is a disservice to it because all of the important jokes have run out. Now, it looks like the story will continue until Liz leaves Jon which is not a good way to end the show because instead of ending on a happy high note, it will end on a sad low note. If it even ends when that happens.
Now, as I stated before, this is all my opinion, but I have to say that in my mind, once Liz finally became Jon’s woman and the family accepted her, Garfield ended. I also want to clear the air that new Garfield in no way, shape or form changes the way I feel about my Garfield. Nothing can change that for me. I am just saying that I have lost interest in the comic and I just take it as another example of what happens when you don’t let a story end once it has run its natural course. It loses itself.
But what do all of you think? What has Garfield lost? And what is your opinion on new Garfield? I would love to hear it. If you love my essays and my work, do give me a follow and even drop me a Ko-Fi or become a patron of mine. I also make art, webcomics and I do commissions. All links are in my profile page.
Thanks for reading and as always, have a great day and stay safe.
#garfield#odie#jon arbuckle#liz#garfield liz#doctor liz#vet#cat#cool cat#garfield comic#comics#comic#sunday comic#funny#comedy#pet#nermal#garfield nermal#garfield odie#lyman#garfield lyman#cute#endearing#heart#family#kitten#kitty
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Be My Eyes
genre: angst (?), tragic (?), this is pretty sad.
word count : 3.3k words
A lot of things do come to you in surprise. Sometimes, they're happy things. Sometimes, sad things. But now, you were angry. Why did this have to happen? That's the only thing you can think of.
Of all the things that can fail, why your eyes? All you ever wanted was to paint, the only thing that makes you happy yet here you are suddenly suffering from blindness. You could just lose a limb or even be deaf. But the Almighty Being chose that you suffer blindness. God is really unfair.
You don't know how to navigate outside your hospital room but you just wanted to get out of the stuffy confined space. You tried to reach for the walls, stumbling on things that you weren't sure of, before reaching the door where you even bumped your head. Damn it, this is hard enough. How can you even live normally now?
Instead of feeling the hard wall, your fingers felt flesh. A person. You quickly bowed at the person you bothered then tried to reach out your hand for a wall. "Wait, where are you going?" You heard someone ask. You honestly don't want to tell the guy where you wanted to go. He might be a doctor.
Instead, you just continued feeling the wall until someone held the back of your hospital gown, pulling you back. "You'll bump your head." The same person as earlier. You've already given up. Your life wouldn't be normal again. You're sure of that. Why are you even trying?
"Where are you going?" That voice again. This might be the only positive effect of your blindness, your hearing heightened. "Let me take you to where you want to go."
You were still standing at the same place, one hand on the wall while the other tried to locate the person talking to you. Should you trust him? What if he's some psycho? But then, that would be better. You wanted everything to end anyways.
"Rooftop." You said quietly, not sure if the man was still listening to you.
He held your hand and you felt warm. He then placed your hand on his forearm. "It's the other way. Come on, I'll bring you to the rooftop." You decided to follow this man, letting him guide you. Your parents will get mad at you for trusting someone so easily but he's so gentle, careful with every step he takes.
All you could see is black but you know you're in an elevator. The faint smell of metal, the gears turning, you can even hear murmurs so it isn't just you and him inside the machine.
His arm feels muscular, skin so smooth. You can also smell a faint musky cologne. His hand held yours that was wrapped on his forearm, not letting you go. If someone would probably see you, you'll look like a couple. But he's a stranger. A stranger who just decided to help you find your way.
You felt the cold breeze on your face when you stopped in your tracks. You must be on the rooftop now. The stranger let go of your hand, tapping your shoulder in assurance. You felt cold all of a sudden. Because of the wind? Because the stranger left you? You're not sure.
The scenery might look beautiful. You had always liked rooftops and what you can see from the top of buildings. It's always a colorful sight, a sight full of wonder.
Which you cannot see now.
Your hands touched the cold metal of the rooftop rail. You just wanted to end everything. Without your sight, life would be useless. You can't even go to this rooftop without someone's help. And now, no one will really help.
You can feel your hands shaking in fright. What will happen to you now? Alone. Blind. Your knees weakened as you felt yourself dropping on the cold, rough asphalt of the rooftop. Tears were gushing out of your eyes. Surprised that a blind person can still produce tears.
There were sounds of footsteps nearing you and you realized that the rooftop is still a public place for patients. You must have looked too pathetic now. Something covered your head that startled you then someone tapped your back as you were still crouched on the ground. The faint smell of musky cologne. The stranger. "You're still alive. You can still do great things." He said, confirming that he is indeed that stranger. "There's a rainbow in every storm."
A rainbow that she cannot see anymore. "I'll make you see the rainbow." You tried to look at him in confusion, what is he talking about? "I'll be your eyes from now on."
--
You don't know if what he said was true but it's been two days that he's always in your hospital room. The first time, he brought fruits, and even if you can't see anything, you knew those fruits by smell. And he praised you, claiming that you're seeing things a different way. The second time, he brought you flowers which smells lovely. He said those were lavenders and they were light purple. You don't even know what it is at first but now you can envision the lavender flowers in your head. He's right. You're seeing things in a new light.
The third day, he brought you chocolates and coffee making the nurse annoyed that she quickly pushed your friend away. "You're one lucky girl, do you know that?" She asked while fluffing your pillows. Lucky? How? "He's really handsome. What is his name?"
You still don't know. You haven't asked for his name. He's handsome? Then he might be the same age as you. Why aren't you curious about him? You promised to ask questions about him the next day he'll come to your room.
The fourth day, fifth day, and the sixth day came but he didn't show up. Even your doctor teased that you don't have new flowers which you normally have every check-up day. Maybe he's tired, you thought. Who in their right mind would visit a sick person in the hospital every day? But why is he here that time? Is he also sick?
You've already given up on knowing about the stranger when you heard the door opened, making you sit up on the bed. That musky smell. "Oh, sorry. Are you resting? I'll come back later." His voice. He's back.
"No, it's fine." You said then sat properly as you heard his footsteps getting closer. You sighed. A lot of questions were running in your mind when he was not here. Now, you don't know what to ask him first. "How are you?" You chirped then regretted it. You sounded so happy.
You heard him chuckle. An enchanting sound that made you automatically smile. "You're really pretty, Y/N." He whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. Wait, how did he know your name? And he thinks you're pretty?
"What…?" A lot of questions were now running in your mind but you think only one mattered now, "What's your name?"
Again, a chuckle. "Yuta Nakamoto. Nice to meet you, Y/N."
--
A lot of things are not yet answered but having Yuta in your hospital room every single day has made every waking day happier. You always wait for him in the morning and when he's there, a smile wouldn't leave your face. When afternoon comes, you'll be sad to see him go but he would always promise to come back in the morning.
It feels great when you're together, even the nurses were saying that you look good together. It's only natural that you fell for him. A guy you can't even see. A guy you can only hear and smell. But a guy you slowly had developed feelings for.
It was one afternoon, the two of you hanging out on the rooftop. Yuta was asleep next to you as you listened to the calmness of the wind. Your fingers trailed to where he is, feeling his warmth. This must be his arms, you thought, and trailed your fingers up feeling his skin. He must have comfortable arms. Maybe he does work out. Those were the only thoughts in your head when you felt the muscles on his arm.
Your fingers went to his chest and your thought of him working out is confirmed. You remembered the statue of David that your art class would always draw. His body resembled that. You can also feel the lines on his stomach and blushed at the thought that Yuta would look good shirtless. When your finger moved south, a hand blocked yours. "Aren't you progressing too fast?" He asked with a hint of playfulness, holding your hand. "You can just ask me, you know?"
You blushed hard at that, trying to slip your hand away from Yuta who just held your hand tight. "I just want to know if you're really human and not some kind of a monster." He laughed wholeheartedly, sitting up.
Yuta held both your hands, placing them on his cheeks. "Feel me." Your thumb pressed on his cheekbones and they felt warm. He really is human. Your fingers went north to his forehead then trailed down to his eyes, feeling his long eyelashes that you envied. Yuta might have really lovely eyes. You went south to his nose then his lips. They're so soft.
The next thing you knew those lips were on yours, confirming how soft it is. He pressed feather-like kisses on your lips, hand on the back of your head to pull you closer. Both of your hands held on his shoulder, slipping on the back of his neck as the kiss grew deeper.
It's ironic, you thought. How can the person who made you breathe again make you breathless like this? "I love you, Y/N." He whispered then kissed you again. His hold on you and the way his lips devour you made you melt. You love him, you know you do. "I love you, Yuta."
He must have done something today or maybe the doctors just don't care about the two of you but it's already night time and he's still here. You're still on the rooftop. You were lying down, his arm served as your pillow while he caressed your head, threading his fingers on your hair. "Y/N, what do you want to do most if you're going to see again?"
"I want to paint again." You said almost immediately, missing the paintbrush in your hand and the smell of paint. "I want to paint the view outside the hospital window. The rainbow." You nuzzled your head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. "I want to paint you."
He chuckled which vibrated on his chest, making you smile. "I wish you would paint me like one of your French girls, Jack." You giggled at that. Maybe.
But you knew that was impossible. You can never get your eyesight back. You cannot paint anything. You cannot paint Yuta.
--
"I promised you a rainbow, didn't I?" He asked when he came to your room. He placed a ceramic on your lap, letting you feel the rough surface. A rainbow. "Do you remember the colors of the rainbow?" You nodded, even first graders know that. "Here." He handed you a paintbrush that made you annoyed. How can you paint this rainbow when you can't even see colors?
"Yuta…" But he hushed you, opening something that you heard a pop. A smell of cherries filled the hospital room. "Cherry?"
"Cherries are?" He asked, guiding your hand that was holding the paintbrush. You felt it dip into something and the smell of cherry is stronger now. "They're red. The first color of the rainbow." He guides your other hand to feel the edge of the ceramic you are coloring. You really are painting.
Once you're done with the red cherries, he opened another one that smells of oranges. Orange, the second color of the rainbow. "You're painting now." He complimented and you realized that it was you alone who's painting the ceramic. You don't even know what it looks like but you can envision what it seems like you're doing. Yellow is banana while green is symbolized by a minty smell.
"Indigo is kind of hard so I used a light blue for blue and deep blue for indigo. I'm sorry." He explained while opening something that smells like cotton candy. You were transported to your childhood and the pastel blue cotton candies in carnivals. For indigo or the deep blue, he used blueberries. And last but not the least, lavenders for violet. "You painted a rainbow."
You smiled. He really did what he promised. "Yuta, thank you."
"You know I'll do everything for you, Y/N."
--
It's been two days since you got discharged from the hospital. And each day, you grew lonelier. Your parents are gone, most of the time you're alone. And Yuta never called or visited you.
You gave him your address, even your phone number so why isn't he going to you? Why isn't he calling you? Is it because you can paint now? Because he made you see, feel and smell rather, the rainbow? Is your little romance gone?
It was night, darker than usual when you heard someone knock on the door. It's dangerous. You're a woman, a blind woman. What if he's a robber? "It's Yuta. Y/N, please open up. Are you home?" Then your phone rang that he obviously heard.
When you opened the door, he immediately hugged you. His warmth. His musky smell. It really is Yuta. "I miss you. I miss you," he repeated, mumbling the same words. "I'm sorry, love."
You don't know what's happening. You don't know why he's here but you didn't care. The only thing that matters is Yuta next to you. "I love you, Y/N." He repeated, lips not leaving yours and showing you that he indeed loves you.
The moment you woke up, you felt the coldness of the bed. Is that all a dream? Where is Yuta? Is this another waiting game for days? You'll wait until Yuta shows up again. You were convinced it was a dream, he just came then went.
But your body is reacting otherwise. You can still feel his touch, his lips. You can hear his voice mumbling your name and his scent. He's not a dream.
It was just four days after what you felt like a dream when you received a phone call. "You have a cornea donor." A donor? She gave up on that. What is this about? And why isn't she feeling happy?
When the bandage was taken away, your vision had come back that you squinted because of the light. Is it always this bright? They gave you a mirror to look at your new pair of eyes. Sparkly, twinkling, compelling. You felt like you were sucked in by those dark orbs. A feeling that made your heart wrench.
A tear escaped your eyes and the nurses panicked. That's not supposed to happen. "Yuta," you whispered. If there was one thing that you wanted to do if you get your vision back, that would be to see Yuta. "I want to see Yuta."
The nurses avoided your look, even the doctors were not looking at you. Why? They know who Yuta is. Why can't they look into your eyes? Or the stranger's eyes rather. "Who's my donor?" You asked calmly but no one answered you. You shouted the same question and that's when one nurse handed you a piece of paper.
"I'm sorry, Y/N. We promised him that we won't tell."
You unfolded the paper which had the prettiest handwriting. The smell of paper mixed with ink and the musky scent. Yuta's scent.
'Hi Y/N.' The letter started. 'Sorry, I don't have the confidence to tell you this. I know you'll cry and I don't want that to happen. If you're reading this letter, I want you to smile. That's a good sign.' But you can't. How can you even smile now?
'The first time I saw you, I was really attracted to you. You are so pretty. But you look prettier when you cry. You're prettier when you look at me. I wish you could see what I can see. That you're an amazing person for not giving up.'
'Thank you for making my heartbeat again. Every night all I could ever pray is for Him to extend my life so I can spend more time with you. But life is unfair. If only I knew you sooner.'
'I'm sorry for being a coward. For hiding everything. But every time I see that smile on your lips, I get reminded how thankful I should be for breathing another day. Thank you for making me feel alive again.'
'Thank you for being my sunshine and giving color to my life. I love you, my rainbow.'
There was a smudge on his name, a tear stain. And you felt yours staining the paper some more.
Everything slipped in your mind. The first time you met. The countless times he's in the hospital. That time at the rooftop. Why didn't you realize that? He stays in the same hospital as you. The reason why he doesn't want you to give up and promised you a rainbow.
The warmth of the breeze comforted you as you scrunched the letter closer to your chest. Every time you finish reading Yuta's letter, you can't help but let a tear escape your eyes. Yuta's eyes.
Now, everything made sense. How your world became brighter when you regained your vision, how everything looked hopeful. It might not be possible, you might be crazy, but you're seeing Yuta's view of the world. He really did mean it when he wished that you can see what he can see.
"He loves you, you know?" Someone said from behind and you bowed at the older man in white. The hospital's oncologist. "He changed a lot because of you." He then smiled as if remembering something, "Nakamoto, that rascal." You smiled. He probably missed Yuta more.
He shared that Yuta came to the hospital months before you and he knew what's going to happen to him. "He refused treatment, already giving up on life." He shared that made you purse your lips. "One day he just came to me and said he met someone in the hallways. A girl so pretty especially when she cried." You giggled at that and he laughed. "He asked me if it's alright to date in the hospital and I let him."
"The things he brought…"
"He would always bother the nurses to get him things." He said with a laugh. "Then he came to me, one night, asking if he can do the chemotherapy." His voice got so serious that you just looked at the sky to avoid the heavy atmosphere. "We tried but it was too late. He knew it cannot save him."
A tear escaped your eyes again. He had been having a hard time all by himself. "He's going to be mad at me for making you cry." The older said with a chuckle. "That night, he begged to get out of the hospital to see you even if it's dangerous for him. The morning after, he was coughing too much blood but the last words he said is that he's happy to be with you in his last breath.” You choke on your sob. Until the end, he was thinking of you.
“It was also his idea to donate his cornea to you once he’s gone.” The older laughed. “We had to break hospital protocols just to see your records.” You laughed. He really did all those things just for you. It made you miss him more. You wish that you had a chance to see him. The doctor tapped the top of your head. “Don’t tire yourself out. I’m sure Yuta is watching over you.” He pointed at the ray of color gracing the sky that made you nod.
He really must be watching over you. Your rainbow. Your eyes. Nakamoto Yuta.
#yuta fluff#yuta nakamoto fluff#yuta angst#yuta nakamoto angst#nct angst#nct 127#nct scenarios#yuta imagines
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Happy Birthday to The Owl House!
Honestly, I’m… REALLY shocked to think back on how it’s been a year? It’s been a full, actual year, since that first episode?
I remember when The Owl House was first announced around early 2018. Something about it, the premise, the characters from that one poster we got; It really drew me in, and I kept track of the show’s progress in eager anticipation. Whenever Dana released art of Luz, Eda, and King, I was ecstatic- And when the show was delayed to 2020, I was dismayed.
Then we got our teaser trailer; The opening them, the end credits, even a little sneak peek! I remember speculating a lot about Luz and all of the other new characters we were introduced to, such as Willow, Amity, and Gus- And then we got more and more trailers in the days leading up to the show. I wondered about Luz’s home back on Earth and where her family was, I listened intently to the Hooty and the Parliament music video, finding an almost melancholic, weirdly nostalgic (despite having never watched the show yet) vibe to it- Whilst also avoiding looking at the screen and seeing all of the various clips it offered, because I wanted to be surprised! It was two years of anticipation, two years of wait for this show- I’d never looked forward to a series before like this, last I can recall… So having this content FINALLY come out, seeing these characters in animation, hearing their wonderful voices! My soul was vibing, it was time, it was coming after all this time…!
Eventually I finished Infinity Train Book 2, the same day that The Owl House premiered… I was blindsided when I woke up to the first episode’s release online, in full- I was already planning to wait until later to watch it on television, so having it permanently accessible from the internet was such a pleasant surprise! And the show… The show, man- That premiere caught me off-guard with how much I enjoyed it! I knew I was looking forward to this show, but still…! It blew away my expectations, and even now, has continued to; It was like my personal investment and attention had paid off so patiently well! I even got a DisneyNOW subscription so I could watch each new episode ASAP, the day it premiered, hours before it aired on television!
I remember scouring Tumblr before the show officially premiered, and there was understandably very little- A few pieces of fanart here or there. And when the show DID premiere, for a while there wasn’t really much of a fandom- There was barely anyone, in fact! But I can remember a few notable blogs who have been around since the beginning… Me, I got invested into this show. I found myself really enjoying Lumity as a ship, especially since I resonated with both characters in it; Luz was such a ball of sunshine that brightened my day, and Amity really spoke to me with her more introverted, top-scoring personality. When the show hit its mid-season hiatus, I remember not handling it too well, as I got impatient and frantic in my speculations- I wanted so badly to learn more about these characters, see what happened- Get a look at Emperor Belos (then known as Bellows by the fandom), etc.
I wrote my Bile Coven piece in preparation for Halloween, even got to know a mutual or two over shared theorizing! I kept track of Dana’s updates, and even had people come to my blog, of all places, to send asks! It was and still has been such an engaging part of fandom for me… I recall impatiently waiting for the Owl Pellet shorts and freaking out over them- And when Adventures in the Elements leaked early? I LOST MY MIND, I remember postponing something I was supposed to go to, just so I could watch the episode- And it was so good! Then I started wondering and hoping the rest of Season 1 would come out, and well- It took a while…
And when Season 1B’s trailer came out, I was all over it; Scouring every possible frame, freaking out over the Grom screenshot, and appreciating the influx of new fans! It was amazing to watch The Owl House go from a relatively minor and obscure fandom, to becoming so much more mainstream and populous! I got into Rebecca Rose’s channel, I began writing more meta and posts about the show, as well as little recaps for each new episode. I feel like my blog really took off from here, as I got to interact with more and more people who shared this mutual love of The Owl House, and I was so ecstatic to see more content and buzz about it!
My mind was solely focused on The Owl House, it was one of my huge hyperfixations, even moreso than during Season 1A’s run- I remember being anxious about Enchanting Grom Fright, wondering if we’d get queerbaited… But NO, Amity was in love with Luz! She canonically had a crush on her, a girl in love with another girl- And I loved it because Lumity was a special comfort ship of mine! Then Amity was confirmed lesbian… It was amazing! And I found myself SO invested, so inspired by the show and its characters, and all of the little allusions to things, the foreshadowing, the moments here or there that made so much more sense after a new episode.
This show inspired me creatively- It got me to write some of my personal favorite fanfics, and I was and still am so touched by whatever feedback I get from them! The Owl House really got me to write, to obsess over characters and analyze them, to look at motifs, to think about worldbuilding… It’s been such an artistically enriching experience, both the show and the fandom! I remember despairing so terribly when Agony of a Witch came out, the genuine betrayal I had when Lilith revealed the truth- Because I’d been legitimately endeared to her character beforehand, even formed a sort of ‘trust’ in a sense… And like many others, I agonizingly anticipated the season finale, the much-needed emotional reconciliation!
I remember how the episode titles were revealed, bit by bit, and how I and others speculated on what they’d spell out! I remember when the fandom obsessed over the Witch’s Apprentice game and its relics, for clues and new lore after each episode, the little hints here or there! I was freaked out by characters like Belos, who lived up to my hopes and expectations- First being alluded to by name, then his amazing appearance… And then his voice and mannerisms and everything about him! And when the Season Finale came out…
Well, there was relief. But there was a bittersweet emptiness- That it was over! The first season was over! There was a celebratory triumph, of course- We finally wrapped up the first, major arc of the show, the first batch of episodes that had been worked upon, the whole thing now unveiled and appreciated! But I was a little dismayed because a part of me KNEW a hiatus much longer than the previous one was ahead of me, and I did not handle the mid-season hiatus well. Of course, then Dana had her Reddit AMA, and the charity livestream; Both of which NOURISHED me creatively, and have helped to fill out the wait! To carry out my momentum, to not flounder about in hiatus; I invested myself into more meta, into various posts, etc. I read fanfiction that genuinely floored me, obsessed over fanart, etc.
I supported the show’s release on Disney Plus, ecstatic to get this kind of ready access. I revisited past episodes and characters, looking at them in a new light, appreciating things; Like Luz’s relationship with fantasy… King’s surprising development, all of Eda’s little hints and clues. There’s been an emotional catharsis with these characters for me- And I genuinely feel like I’ve been a lot happier lately because of this show! I’ve met so many other blogs and gotten to know them, seen their ideas and displayed mine as we appreciated one another… I even remember doing another blog’s fanart prompt prior to the show’s release, in preparation!
I feel like The Owl House has genuinely given me a new appreciation for meta, for fandom and analysis… For headcanons, for writing my own stories and contributing my own ideas and speculations, etc.! It’s contributed SO much joy to me as a hyperfixation, and rapidly risen through my blog as my most frequent tag! And even as I explore other fandoms and hyperfixations, both then and now, especially to pass on this crippling hiatus… This show holds a VERY special place in my heart for me. It’s really made me feel for these characters, the love and sadness, the excitement and sense of comfort… Its love and emotions, angst and found family, lore and speculation, it hits so hard to me in a way that other media hasn’t!
It’s provided representation- Such as canonically queer characters, or protagonists who speak so well to the neurodivergent experience for many people! I’ve had delight in seeing people suggest Amity as autistic, when before Season 1B, I lowkey headcanoned and saw her as such- So seeing more evidence for this resonated deeply in my heart! I remember all of the discussion about King as a character, the confusion and talk about whether or not he WAS a King of Demons, when that first announcement in 2018 had made a similar claim… I looked forward to Eda and Lilith’s relationship, speculated on who cursed Eda, and remembered when I’d considered the Blights as a potential culprit! I remember thinking about Hooty, wondering what his deal is- And thinking then and now about that Owl Deity mural in the Owl House! Watching Luz’s development as a character and as a witch, seeing her become more proficient with magic until it finally pays off with her squaring up against Belos, and wounding him- I’d never felt so proud of a character and their progress before!
There’s still so many more questions and mystery, lore… as well as just genuine character interactions, to look forward to! I think The Owl House is one of my favorite shows of all time… It’s deeply touched me as a person and creator, and I genuinely strive to create something even close to this one day. This show has inspired me, made me laugh and cry, compelled me to creatively make content; It’s introduced me to a wider fandom that I genuinely feel like a part of, had me meet other mutuals… It really is something special to me. And while I am eager for Season 2, I also want to appreciate what Dana Terrace and her crew have already established. I love this show’s art style and animation, the designs and overall weirdness of its characters- I love speculating and thinking about them, getting more and more details, and so forth.
If it’s for a better product, I’m fine waiting for Season 2. And honestly, I love what we already have, and I’ve done a lot with so many people. I’ve even looked over supplementary materials and stuff posted by the crew or news articles, in my need for content… And I love every bit of update, art, and/or acknowledgement of the show’s hiatus, and Season 2’s development! There’s so much to look forward to… And there’s so much that I’ve enjoyed, after plenty of anticipation!
Thank you @danaterrace, and everyone who worked on this- For everything. It really is crazy to reflect on this entire year, to realize it’s been a full year since that first episode, since that first premiere that lit up my world like Luz’s light spells; And it feels like such a milestone that we’ve reached! I look forward to what comes next, and I also intend to keep appreciating and cherishing what we’ve already gotten. Here’s to this show’s second year, people- It’s been such a journey to look back on and remember each step, each phase, each particular moment and stage… And I can only imagine what will come next! This show has SUCH a special place in my heart, and has made me feel in so many ways I haven’t before!
Happy Birthday, The Owl House! You’ve earned it!
#the owl house#toh#owl house#the owl house luz#luz noceda#the owl house eda#edalyn clawthorne#the owl house king#lumity#happy birthday#dana terrace#ramblings#nostalgia#meta
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Reiner & Mikasa: A Retrospective Pt.2
“The Shield of Marley & The Blade of Paradis”
Why ReiKasa is a (BR)OTP ship that’s worth more than a fleeting glance
[*caution: a continuation of a long reflective post with the sole intention to share a fan’s perspective through available representation through manga, anime, exhibition & etc. This post is not to convince nor argue where is its place in canon, but only to explore the vast possibilities of these two amazing characters that I love. In the end, if the series ends with Mikasa alive & ending by herself or with X character, then it means Isayama believes that X character is the one she’ll find that eventual happiness with and I’m all for that. Same goes with Reiner :)] Special thanks to @berumika for sharing some of the additional points that are included in this post. Years down the line after SnK ended, I’d love to have a post I can revisit of these two amazing characters & the possibilities that could have been from time to time. I’m having absolute fun in observing how much both of these characters have grown since the series debuted in 2010.
Pt. 1 available here. Warning: Image heavy, potential spoilers.
When I first got to know SnK/AoT, it was through the anime first before manga. Bad idea for me. My initial perspectives of Mikasa & Reiner were skewed and that was later rectified as I navigated the original source directly. Eren is the first protagonist that was introduced by the series creator but I was drawn to Mikasa & Reiner when I started the manga after Season 1 ended.
Trainees
These top two trainees of the 104th batch are closely matched to each other in ranking. We don’t see them interact directly in the anime, but in the early panels of the manga, Reiner could be seen sitting down with Eren, Mikasa & Armin during mealtimes.
Sure, Mikasa can be expected to not converse with Reiner directly, but if her two childhood friends have their good friend sitting together for meals, at the very least we can expect them to have some brownie points in socialization.
Apart from being total gorgeous hotties, they’re both physically strong people, with Reiner always being second to Mikasa in terms of brute strength. Total muscle pairing and I could see them being at par with each other during physical drills. Reiner & Mikasa could go all out, even beyond 100% and the other would be physically capable to take/receive the force. Shadis would’ve tasked them to lead the physical trainings from time to time. They have been sparring partners, evident from the moment Mikasa threw Reiner across the field into Eren who’s sparring with Annie. Their fitness regime would be in-sync with each other. I could see them having mad respect for each other and secretly admire the other person’s prowess and skill.
Connection through Eren
As highlighted primarily in Pt.1, Eren has been shown to look up or aspire to be high achievers like Reiner and Mikasa both. He wanted to be as strong as the two of them. The odds of the very same people he look up to, as the two individuals who would be able to stop him, I would suspect as very high at this point.
When they were younger, Reiner has always been the one that’s pulled Eren up when he’s down, nearly giving up & at the lowest points of his life. He was also the one who convinced Eren to ‘keep on moving forward’, which we’ll learn later was one of the most ironic moments that Reiner recalled as he feels responsible for everything that begun, which also pushed his guilt inside him to his near-suicide attempt.
Survey Corps
Reveal on Wall Rose
Mikasa, was one of the few junior SC members who were called in for the secret meeting with the unit’s top brass the night before the reveal. She was made aware of Reiner & Bertolt’s possible identity as the enemy after she assisted with apprehending Annie in Wall Sina. While Reiner was talking to Eren, Mikasa could be seen being highly agitated, hands shaking as she waited with unease breath for Reiner & Bertolt to make their move.
She was later seen questioning her hesitance on delivering the killing blow or at least enough to incapacitate them. Mikasa called Reiner & Bertolt “the plague of humanity” in anger and absolute disappointment. They were still her friends that she knew for three years & it had been difficult for her to kill them.
Thunder Spears Training
Mikasa could be seen reflecting in a combination of unease, sadness & regret as she recalled back the moment she was unable to break Reiner’s armor with her blades.
Return to Shinganshina
Mikasa was the one who crippled the Armored’s legs. She wasn’t as emotional as Connie, Jean & Sasha but there was a deep, painful rumination on her part the moment they assumed that Reiner was dead dead. She was also the one who noticed the sudden move from Reiner’s Armored Titan. In the anime, she could be seen angry & frustrated at Reiner’s refusal to confess that she pulled too hard on the bandage in her hands while she was helping Jean with his injuries.
Time-Skip (Current)
Reiner’s reminiscence & nightmares
Reiner’s reminiscence of Mikasa was indirect, but he highlighted her (and Armin’s) fierce, unwavering loyalty towards Eren. He had recurring nightmares of her & Levi that are the symptoms of his PTSD. The anime specifically used her shot to highlight the last image of her that he saw: anger.
Assault in Liberio
You could see the existing disappointment on her face when Reiner’s partially transformed Titan appeared, having to cross paths again in such a way after four years. She could’ve intervened the way she did with Galliard’s Jaw but she didn’t. Eren said Reiner’s out of any energy left to retaliate and Mikasa didn’t disagree. At this point, Mikasa is already affected by Eren’s actions in murdering the women & children inside the building that he shifted in and the destruction they all left behind.
Connection through Gabi
Reiner’s young cousin reminded Armin & Mikasa of a young Eren. The difference is that, Gabi had an early opportunity to be saved through the compassion showed by Mikasa and Sasha’s beloved family. The very same people who had every right to be sad, grieving and taking out their anger on the child who gunned down their beloved friend & daughter.
Mikasa doesn’t verbally express her emotions but it can be shown through her body language & facial expressions. I love seeing the tender way she pressed Gabi’s head onto her shoulder as protection and a symbolism of safety. It was a bit sad that this ‘bond’ was short-lived but what an amazing connection it would’ve been if Mikasa & Gabi had been given more space to develop their bond in canon.
Concern for Reiner & Annie
Usually when Mikasa verbally expresses something, it is usually important/significant to her. In ch.124, she could be seen asking Gabi about Reiner’s location. Why? It’s because she is concerned for Reiner’s safety. If his Armors were undone, he was vulnerable and with pure Titans and the Colossal Titans walking around, he would be in danger.
“We need to help Reiner & Annie.” She was heavily concerned with Reiner and Annie’s lives at the docks. But this moment is more important for Connie as a callback to the moment when Annie & Reiner both had saved Connie when they were trainees.
Adjacent Manga/Official Art Paneling(s)
In the current final arc of the manga, (several panels have been highlighted in Pt.1) it’s quite interesting to note that Mikasa & Reiner’s characters/panelings have been drawn adjacent to each other. I could also see the way Armin, Reiner & Mikasa (ARM) are getting primary focus by Isayama in this final arc.
Others (Misc./Semi-canon)
Cool-faced Cookie (Attack on Titan Game)
When Reiner suggested the player to do a melee practice with two other sparring partners, he immediately spotted Mikasa & Historia. It’s very interesting to note that Reiner’s nickname for Mikasa is “Cool-faced cookie” as he hinted the player to ask Mikasa for an impromptu practice.
The blink and miss furtive glance(s)
In Lost Girls OVA’s ED by WIT, a screenshot of the primary 104th walking together could be seen. Mikasa could be seen sneaking a glance at Reiner.
In a scene during the fresh SC recruits discussing intensely about Eren’s role as humanity’s hope, Reiner could be seen glancing silently with concern for Mikasa, as Jean questions her vouch of confidence in Eren’s abilities.
In Snk OVA#3, Mikasa is grouped with Reiner for the excursion and they could be seen having good teamwork together. When Mikasa’s ‘sixth senses’ are triggered due to Eren being in danger, Reiner could be seen looking at her direction immediately as if sensing her distress.
Characteristics & Zodiac Signs
Amazing/Compassionate with children
Known as the Shield of Marley, Reiner’s a caring keeper, a natural leader and a provider who’s naturally amazing with children. Everyone looks up to him. Would’ve made a good family man if the circumstances were different. Based on his characteristics & physical attribute, he reminds me of Mikasa’s father below, no matter how short-lived he was. I could see her admiring that side of him even if it wasn’t mentioned directly. They are both loving, selfless, protective towards their child/ward.
Mikasa, true to her name, an Ackerman, a genetically-enhanced super soldier/warrior of Paradis that wields their blades with the highest efficiency. Though she might not seem as natural with children, did come from a healthy & loving upbringing with her parents for nine years. Her real persona as a child pre-awakening is a curious, thoughtful and actually a warm-hearted girl. Post-awakening characteristics could also be contributed from the traumas imposed by the murder of her parents, the fall of Wall Maria, the death of Carla & having to shoulder the immediate responsibility as Eren’s new ‘guardian’/caregiver/problem-solver/mess-cleaner.
She shown her compassion towards Gabi, which in turn had proved to the little girl how there are good-hearted, forgiving people in the Island. Mikasa could be observed as being heavily concerned with Falco as she questioned Jean about the young boy. One could see the anger on her face when she saw Connie took off and abducted Falco to be fed to his mom. She drew the line in harming children even if they’re trained enemy soldiers.
Aquarius & Leo’s Compatibility
Reiner’s a Leo and Mikasa’s an Aquarius. Their characteristics are too coincidental to their respective astrological signs to be disregarded completely.
He’s an extrovert (Ref: younger!Reiner. Older Reiner too but his PTSD’s and maturity have taken over his more outgoing personality) that compliments her introvert personality yet they both have their inner demons to deal with and could somehow understand that about each other. He’s a ray of sunshine that could enlighten her melancholic personality. Yet their dominant personalities, although might be clashing at first, eventually would lead them to respect the other’s perspective. This would ring true when they were younger. Currently they have grown older, wiser and more understanding of the other.
At the current Final Arc, this has been highlighted in Part 1, recent chapters have shown older Reiner and Mikasa’s unspoken respect and understanding for each other. The current Reiner’s natural leadership as a born Leo is very apparent. Reiner was being very mindful of her feelings as Eren is a very sensitive subject & Mikasa took in Reiner’s words with serious consideration.
It would be great to see more of their combined synergy as Reiner & Mikasa’s teamwork could be seen once again in ch.135. Aquarius & Leo would take turns to take a back seat while letting the other leads.
They are actually very physically and sensually compatible with each other & could potentially be an unstoppable force if they were to fight for the same side. At the moment, I’m hoping to see this potentially deadly combination once again in ch.136 onwards. They could’ve overtaken Eren’s Founding Form is it wasn’t for OG!Ymir’s one-sided overkill powers. To the real God who created the parasite worm, please take powers away frpm this uncontrollable grandma in a little girl’s body.
More of Mikasa’s Aquarius & Reiner’s Leo Compatibility Meter with description below:
Since this is SnK and not Berserk/Tokyo Ghoul/insert other josei manga titles, no one’s having sex directly haha In an ideal world, Reiner & Mikasa’s physical attractions for each other will almost be off the charts. “When they find true emotion, Aquarius might actually end up respecting the king”. In current arc, this can be observed. She respects Reiner & his words.
The above describes both Mikasa and Reiner respectively. Mikasa does not reach for heroism directly but it can be seen indirectly from the way she had inspired a child Louise through her bravery, protecting Gabi and rescuing/protecting the Azumabito Service crew from the Jeagerists. Reiner has always been born to be a hero, regardless of the circumstances of his conception or birth.
“If they end up fighting for the same cause, they could turn down entire governments and use their incredible force to change anything in the world.”
Even oppressive, destructive supernatural, God-like powers? Ymir & Eren, better be prepared.
“To get there, these two would have to stop the battle they have with each other.” Check and Check.
“Leo -- has the ability to give clarity to any situation.” Ch.133. That was not Reiner projecting. He’s always been Eren’s counterpart. He’s telling the readers that there’s a part of Eren out there that still wants to be stopped since he has surrender his will to Ymir. She took his words into serious consideration and in Paths, voices out to Eren on his sins and burden.
“Leo is exactly what Aquarius needs to find love. -- to liberate and shine as if they have been searching for one another for many lifetimes.” In an ideal world or in my gazillion AUs: Reiner and Mikasa could be soulmates.
This could ring true for the younger Reiner & Mikasa.
Reiner and Mikasa both are indeed strong, selfless individuals in each other’s eyes. This can be observed in Ch.133 & 135. Reiner feared her but respect her strength & feelings when it relates to Eren nevertheless. Even Reiner was taken aback by Pieck’s ultimatum in blowing the Founder’s neck, although Armin had suggested the same thing the night before.
“Just like the Sun and the lightning don’t go together, Aquarius should take over on a rainy day, in a depressive crowd or in places where they both feel as if they would drown. This is where Leo needs to give in and let their partner rule the sky--” It wasn’t a rainy day or depressive crowd in ch. 135, it was a chaotic shitstorm and they were all not drowning but dying. Period. Our dear Mikasa took charge like a BAMF Queen that she is. She was putting her life on the line to protect the four injured men behind them. She aimed to buy them more time if she could as everyone expected it to be the end. As highlighted in Pt.1, you could see the helplessness on Reiner’s face when he saw Mikasa’s breaking point.
Reference : http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/compatibility/aquarius-leo/
Final Exhibition
The Final Exhibition highlights the Last Stand: the direct final confrontation between The Founding/Attack against The Armored, with Mikasa being in the middle of the confrontation, tipping the scales of the outcome. Before, she assisted Eren against Reiner. Currently, she is working with Reiner to stop Eren.
Trio(s) Parallel
An interesting panel from ch.97:
EMA & RBA have always been lauded as the main trio of their respective sides. We have seen Armin taking over Bertolt’s powers & is potentially promised a future with the girl that Bertolt had feelings for. Recognize the probable pattern?
Guy from trio 1 ate Guy from trio 2′s Titan & is promised a potential future with the girl he cares for/have feelings for/close with from the trio.
Only one between between Eren & Reiner will remain. What if the story begins with Eren but will end with Reiner all along?
SnK HighSchool AU / Breakfast Club X-over
In the movie, the Jock (Quarterback!Reiner) ends up with the Rebel (Goth!Mikasa). He looks past her eccentricity & see her for who she is. This is a fun crossover by Isayama but very interesting to see Armin, Mikasa & Reiner work together to save Eren in the fake previews.
Whether the combined strength and perseverance of the Blade of Paradis & the Shield of Marley be enough to save the world from total annihilation? It remains to be seen very, very soon.
No matter how the series ends, whether both Reiner and Mikasa survive or not, I’ll be looking back in pride upon seeing their journey, growth & dynamics as either individual or together in this beautiful series by Hajime Isayama’s brilliant mind. Because of him, these two characters inspired his readers, myself included, to be brave and fight for what they truly believe in: humanity & its continuation. It has been an incredible ride and I will continue to enjoy writing for this OTP/BROTP, that I’ve fell so deeply in love with and their vast possibilities.
#snk#aot#shingeki no kyojin#attack on titan#進撃の巨人 Attack on Titan#snk meta#snk thoughts#snk opinions#snk spoilers#snk 135#snk 133#snk 134#Retrospective#reiner braun#mikasa ackerman#reiner x mikasa#ReiKasa#character appreciation#ship appreciation
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