#which in my defense is 60 hours long
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Dungeons & Daddies is possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever listened to that’s longer than a few minutes. I really recommend it!
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Sometimes, you’re a comedian with a touring show to promote, so you do an interview with a regional newspaper.
I think that’d be the funniest possible time to reveal a big scoop, wouldn’t it?
Stewart Lee is currently touring, and to promote his Yeovil performance, gave an interview to Blackmore Vale Magazine. According to Wikipedia, the Blackmore Vale is an area of north Dorset, south Somerset and southwest Wiltshire. According to the comedian Jake Baker, the magazine would cover his school sports day as he grew up in Dorset. That’s the level of news you’d expect.
The questions are friendly and easy, from a journalist clearly familiar with Lee’s work and history.
The first question is about the show’s angle. Lee describes the nature of the show, and here’s an excerpt:
So it looks like stand-up, and sounds like stand-up, but it’s actually a kind of character piece about a desperate person who’s frightened and trying to organise the world in a way that puts them in control.
And I guess you could argue that’s what a lot of stand-ups are doing anyway.
Ricky Gervais to me looks like a very frightened man. He’s frightened of transgender people coming after him, the act is a defensive wall.
Fun! This is a Ricky Gervais hate blog, so it’s nice to see a sudden, unexpected attack in an unrelated promotional interview.
Lee mentions Gervais again in response to question four.
Sometimes I become bitter and think ‘I get all this good press, why can’t I get 10 million quid for a TV special like Ricky Gervais?’ But on the other hand, I wouldn’t want that audience, it wouldn’t allow me to be better.
And then again to question eight, where Lee explains why he spends six months running new shows in the relatively small Leicester Square Theatre (as opposed to arena comics who might do 10 warmup shows followed by 60 tour dates).
You can still run it like a club gig, you can interact with people in real time. Also, you wouldn’t get better at the show because you wouldn’t have done it as many times.
You can see this with an act like Gervais.
Those shows have not been run in, they’re not fluid, they’re a succession of inflexible statements that would snap like twigs if the pressure of an unforeseen event was applied to them.
The journalist finally addresses this head on. It really is worth reading the entire article - there’s a lot more than I’m quoting, including an interesting story about Sean Lock:
But here are my favourite bits:
[Gervais] still kind of copies me though, which is the weird thing.
There’s still a lot of cadences of what I do but they’re used in the service of evil.
In Star Wars, he’s Darth Vader and he’s taken the force, which is me, and used it for evil purposes.
He was a fanboy, he was actually the booker at University of London and used to book me and Sean Lock all the time.
And when he became famous for the Office, he wrote an hour-long act that was so indebted to us it was awkward.
[...]
If he’d come up through the circuit that would have been rubbed off him because you find your own voice doing club gigs.
It took me two years of gigging five nights a week to come through the mesh of things I liked.
But he didn’t have that experience in the same way.
[...]
Funnily enough, in his first show there were bits I’d never recorded that he’d do almost verbatim. He’d clearly remembered them.
I went to see him at the Bloomsbury – on his invitation actually – with my then girlfriend and she was very concerned for me.
I’d given up at that point due to lack of interest, and she was concerned for what it felt like to see my act being done to hundreds of people, it was quite weird.
On the other hand, that sort of did make me think I don’t want it to be consumed into someone else’s vocabulary.
And also, I think because he had a residual sense of guilt, he would always credit me in interviews as being an influence – that helped me in 2004 to get the audience back.
This is, to my knowledge, the first time Lee’s ever claimed that Gervais stole his material. He’s certainly talked about Gervais clearly taking influence from him (though in the past, he downplayed this compared to the account given in this interview).
It’s a pretty big thing to accuse a comic of stealing material. That’s a big taboo. I reckon this is partly because Lee wants to discourage fans of Gervais from coming to the show.
Anyway, let’s finish by quoting the end of the interview:
It must be strange to have that level of financial remuneration and those audience figures but not really a single good review.
And I expect what that does for you is create a cognitive dissonance where you have to manufacture a worldview by which the whole world is wrong and you’re right.
Which can’t necessarily be very good for your mental health, although I expect the money’s nice.
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Ray of Sunshine - Grumpy!Harry x Reader.
Premise: Harry has a tendency to be moody, but what happens when he meets his match? this one's especially for @harrysonlylover 💞
Other Writing
Word count: 3.4k
Warnings: She/her pronouns. 3rd person.
⛅️
Harry’s car skids recklessly into the almost-full parking lot, dismissing the concept of carefulness in favour of confronting the driver behind the wheel of a sunshine-yellow ‘60s VW beetle, who had pulled into the lot moments before- which should have never happened because it had been behind him, to begin with.
As if his mood hadn’t been less than pleasant for the past month, what really set him over the edge was the lack of apology from the said sunshine yellow driver, who only honked his way and proceeded to turn into the parking lot as they seemed to have always intended.
With agitation, Harry neatly swerves into the nearest parking space, barely managing to stay in the lines as he reaches over and snatches his work satchel from the passenger seat, slinging it over his shoulder as he slides from the seat and exits his vehicle.
In hot pursuit, his long legs help him catch up to the sunshine car just in time for the driver to exit, her back turned to him, leaning in through the open door to collect her items.
By the time she turns around and lazily swings the door shut Harry is peering over her, wearing a black hoodie, brows furrowed, his body tense.
She recognises him in an instant- it’s hard not to remember the face of a man who is scowling so sinfully as he hit the hooter for an unnecessary amount of time- all because he couldn't be bothered to indicate.
“Did you not see my blinker?” He grumbles.
“Clearly not.” She torts, her face still and expressionless.
“You’re a moron. It was on.” Each word is more annunciated than the last.
“It wasn’t.” She shrugs, slinging the straps of her bag over her shoulder.
“You clearly need glasses.” Harry huffs in disbelief.
“Maybe if you weren’t blasting your music so loud you would have heard that it wasn’t on.”
Harry feels a wave of shame wash over him at the idea of her seeing him getting a little too into his playlist, in turn, his chest simmers with defensiveness and deflection,
“Your driving fucking sucks…” He says, getting no response only encourages him to rant further, “And your car looks like it’s hanging on by its last thread, no wonder you’re a bad driver.” He gestures to her car with a look of distaste, “It’s a piece of junk.”
She adores her car, it is not only special but holds the heart of many fond times, adventures, people, and sometimes just conversation. The car sure has been through the wringer- in age alone- but she can hardly afford another, and she certainly doesn't want one.
So, she tries not to find offence in this grumpy strangers declaration of her ‘piece of junk’ and does her best to take a deep breath before responding in concession- though her agitation has morphed into sarcasm and it seeps through your sentences,
“Okay, sorry Mister Mercedes. Guess I’ll be more careful next time.”
Harry didn't know what he wanted her to say, but it certainly wasn’t anything along those lines. So with an eye roll and the reminder that he’s close to being late for work, Harry starts to walk away and points out matter-of-factly,
“Yeah fuckin right, you’re an accident waiting to happen.”
“Asshole.”
“I heard that.”
He turns on his heels to see her as calm as ever, an amused sparkle in her eyes, a smirk playing at her lips,
“What ya gonna do? Chew me out some more?”
Harry stared seethingly at the rude and reckless driver who couldn't care less about his mood, her focus was on gathering all the necessary items for whatever task she so desperately had to complete that she was willing to almost kill him.
He meanly mutters, “Have a fantastic day," before walking off for good, dreading work and in a worse mood than ever.
⛅️
Harry has an hour for lunch, grateful for the assortment of cafes and restaurants scattered within the city square, along with plenty of boutiques, art deco, and antiques to name a few.
Most days, he is likely to grab a sandwich or coffee- or both- from the restaurant directly across from his office block, but that would be the third time this week and Harry can’t fathom facing any of the staff in fear of becoming a ‘regular.’
He meanders around the centre and stakes out the array of food options displayed in each glass window.
Just when he thinks he may settle on some early afternoon sushi, Harry spots a bright object from the corner of his vision, his head snapping with such haste he must have strained a muscle.
Parked directly in front of a shoe boutique is his notorious enemy; the sunshine car. And leaning back against a pillar just outside of the store is the bad driver from behind the wheel. She is halfway through smoking a cigarette, her other hand occupied by scrolling through her phone.
As if his scowl was so strong that it was sent straight to her, causing her to sense his presence, she looked up from her phone and smiled mischievously at the realization of her new enemy's arrival.
She tucks her phone into the pocket of her black slacks, taking a puff of her ciggie, a cloud of smoke mixing in with her greeting,
“Ah, Mister Mercedes.”
Harry nears but notices his frustration thicken with each step into her space. He crosses his arms across his chest,
“I recognised your car.”
“Oh, that old piece of junk?” She asks with nonchalance.
“Yes.”
“Bothered you so much that you decided to come over here?” Her pout is melting with pure mischief.
“I’m sorry, okay.” Harry concedes, but it doesn't come off as anything but frustrated so his tone softens in volume and intention, “It was a rough day.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” His brows furrow.
“Yeah, okay.”
“Fucking insufferable.” He mutters.
His frustration slips over like that of water on a duck, her mood has been calm all day, and his attitude wasn’t likely to spoil it- right? With another puff, she ponders aloud,
“Is there anything else I can help you with?”
There is a moment where Harry almost ponders the purity of his intentions, but dismisses it and chooses to interrogate her- he is far too invested in finding out more about his enemy,
“Do you work here?”
“Obviously.” She shrugs with the softest of scoffs.
“Hope you’re a better employee than a driver.”
Now he’s starting to get under her skin. this is her hour for lunch, why can’t it be spent in peace? She does her damndest to maintain a cool demeanour as she asks again,
“Why are you still here?”
“To apologize, Jesus.” Harry doesn't mean to snap, but neither of them is surprised when he does. His juxtaposition of words and tone render his sorry useless- they both know it.
He tries to reason with her, explaining his frustration, “And all you said was okay.”
She peers over at him incredulously, repeatedly intrigued by the attitude of this man who has gone out of his way to make an enemy out of her,
“What do you want me to say,” her tone facetious and fiery, “I forgive you, we all have bad days, sometimes we take it out on strangers to avoid hurting those close to us, you’re probably actually a great guy?”
“I- yes.”
“Well now that I’ve said it, you can go on your way.”
Harry feels stunned like she just let him walk out into the snow knowing that there was soon to be a blizzard, he can’t reason with her- nor does he care to at this point,
“Jesus. I take back my apology.” He grumbles, hands raised in defeat, his head shaking as he scoffs sourly, “Such a mature little thing, huh?”
She ignores everything but the last sentence, slowly enjoying the opportunities he’s giving her to indulge in going out of her way to increase his already extreme grumpiness.
Once more, Harry curses out under his breath and with zero intent to say another word, begins to walk away from her.
Pulling the phone from her pocket, ready to continue her prior activities, she chuckles and calls over his shoulder,
“Bye, Mister Mercedes.”
⛅️
It has likely been less than a week since their last interaction and Harry’s enemy has decided to treat herself to a proper lunch- sitting down at an actual table in an actual restaurant for a change.
However, she underestimated her fitness levels and loosely accounted for a good portion of the time her lunch break consisted of. By the time she arrived and got back to her own store, there would be less than twenty minutes left to sit at a table.
Takeout would have to do, and once she has placed her order, she waits off to the side of the main counter, waiting to both pay and be gifted with grub.
The food comes quicker than predicted and with excitement she thinks can't be topped, she reaches for her wallet, but the hostess stops her in her tracks and gestures to one of the tables scattered throughout the eatery and informs her,
“The man at table four already paid for your order.”
It’s her sworn enemy, packing up the contents of his belongings before taking a final sip of his nearly-empty Americano. Harry doesn’t acknowledge her.
“What’s with this guy?” She ponders aloud before making the swift and frustrated decision to go over to his table.
He is already standing up to leave, still not looking her way, and with a bough of confusion, she finally speaks up,
“What’s this about?”
“Strange way of saying thank you, Sunshine.”
Harry frowns and she doesn't enjoy the way it makes her feel, giddy and begging for more opportunities to bother him,
“Thank you.”
“Whatever. You’re still a pest.” He grumbles, almost bumping his shoulder into her own as he slips past and hastily exits the restaurant.
⛅️
Harry walks into her store with a better attitude than he has in a long time. Things were starting to look up, but one little thing was still bothering him, and she was staring right at him with a scowl that gave him a run for his money.
Anyhow, he’s here for a reason; an attempt to smooth over the rocky start that was more than likely his fault. And he hopes she’ll take his apology this time.
Harry approaches, and with each step, he gets a better view of her distinct frown, lips turned down, eyes quickly turning to loathsome slits. She is no longer leaning across the front counter with laxation, her body stiffening to attention, her hand pressed firmly to her hip.
She couldn’t fathom anything could have worsened her week, and here he was, presumably planning on sucking away whatever remained of her soul for his own sick gain. With a chest simmering with chaos, she asks with incredulity,
“Seriously?”
Harry blinks back, a little awestruck, ignoring the pang of disappointment that greets his heart when she seems to confirm her distaste for his presence, he embraces his mildly peppy mood and remarks playfully,
“Well hello there, Sunshine.”
“This is not the time.” She snaps.
“Aw, is Miss Ray-of-Sunlight in a mood today?” He coos.
“Mmph.”
She huffs, hardly meeting his eyes, and Harry quite likes how well she emulates his usually grumpy demeanour, he wonders how similar they might be, decides to find out,
“What happened?” He meets her at the counter, lazily resting his body against the counter courtesy of the elbow he balances on. He leans a tad nearer, a tantalizing smile playing at his lips as he teases,
“Did you almost crash into someone with your junkyard on wheels?”
“I’d rather drive this than parade about like an absolute dick in an overpriced German car.” Her tone drips with what Harry feels is both disappointment and disgust.
He feels frozen under her words like his Sunshine had just revealed herself to be Medusa, a sly Succubus.
Now what does he do? His confidence sits on the floor with his converse, his sentences have turned to slosh in his skull and she is staring at him with such distaste that Harry certainly won’t be saying a word.
Stunned to silence, he leans away from her, settling a safe space between their bodies as his features morph from friendly to confused. This only seems to increase her frustration and she fiery snaps,
“Why won't you stop fucking pestering me?”
Harry subconsciously steps back, straightening up and stacking his defensiveness around his skin like a shield. He has no power to prevent a petty eye roll,
“Oh, please. This is no treat for me either, Sunshine.”
“Are you kidding?” She gets ready to leave him standing alone in the middle of her own store.
Harry panics and blurts, “Hear me out!” It comes off more desperate than he would have liked. But she has stopped and addresses him with crossed arms, waiting for his next words. Harry is in autopilot mode, more nonsense spilling from his lips, “I- want to make it up to you?”
“Why, so you can clear your conscience?” She scoffs with sass.
“Sure, whatever you say, smart mouth.” Harry has regressed and reflects her unpleasant temperament.
“Go away.”
Their gazes are glued by the calamity of their conversation, tied together with frustration that feels impossible to unwind.
Harry just wants to tell her why he’s here in the first place, but what’s the point? His presence is evidently worsening her day.
And though the soft curiosity in him wants to know why she seems so down, Harry’s focus is returning to the ruin of his afternoon. So, in true fashion, he flails his arms in disappointed defeat and turns his back on her with a wonderful version of goodbye,
“Fine. Fuck it. Have a miserable one, Sunshine.”
“Likewise, dickhead.” She dismisses, grateful his mood is now as miserable as her own.
⛅️
When Harry finally exits the glass entrance to the bottom floor, relief rushing over him now that work is over, he’s hardly paying any attention to anything or anyone, already scanning his phone for notifications. But then he sees his cloudy sunshine leaning against a wall, arms crossed, no car in sight.
He ponders pretending to not have noticed- walked away and gone about his eve. That would never happen though, he wants- needs to see her again- his stomach stays unsettled the deeper their discourse divulged.
He heads over to her with unnecessary haste, scolding himself as he comes to a halt in front of her. She has been aware of him from the minute he exited the building, already prepared for his arrival.
His body waits expectantly as she eyes him up and down, a cheeky glint in her eyes and when Harry understands that she is in no rush to speak up, his undying impatience rears its head,
“What do you want?”
“For you to stop being so grumpy.” She shrugs.
“Rich coming from you.” He mutters, but when she attempts to turn her back on him as they had done so many times before, more words rush out, “Okay, okay. What’s up?”
“I’ve decided to hear you out.”
“Gee, how kind of you.”
“I cannot imagine how anyone deals with you on a daily basis.”
Harry doesn’t take it as an insult, he is fueled forward by the fact that she might be willing to listen,
“I’m actually very likeable.”
“Do you want me to hear you out or not?”
He thinks for a moment, leaving her to ponder what in her right mind caused her to take a walk to see him in the first place.
But, he wants to do this as… right as their attitudes might approve of, so he bravely wraps his palm atop her own, gently gesturing for her to follow and she allows him to drag her along. He encourages,
“C’mon.”
“What?” She asks but proceeds to let him guide her.
“It’s almost six, let’s go eat.” He informs, one step ahead of her as they take the short trip to his regular restaurant
“That is the last thing I want to do with you.” She grumbles.
“I’ll pay.” He soothes.
“Fine.”
Harry keeps her hand cradled in his own, even as they enter the restaurant and he asks the waiter for a table for two. In fact, he only lets go to pull out a chair for her.
He asks what drink she prefers and if she’d be open to splitting a plate of fries with him.
But she has been eyeing him with suspicion, and once it’s clear that this won’t waver until she confronts it, the waiter leaves and allows her to question,
“Why are you being nicer than usual?”
“Can you stop being snarky for even a second?” He nearly snaps.
“Ah, Mister Mercedes is back.” She nods as if it were what she had expected all along.
“No,- Jesus fuck.” Harry feels desperate again, scooching his chair forward, his arms folded across the table, leaning in to ensure her unwavering attention,
“I- almost got into another accident the day we met.” He sighs out with shame, ready to be met with warranted ridicule. Her expression has already turned to one of bemusement. But he’s not done yet,
“Turns out my left blinker bulb burned out... so...”
She tilts back and finally relaxes into her chair, a gleeful grin spreading to her sparkling eyes,
“Sweet vindication.”
“Brat.”
“Dick.”
Harry has little confidence to spare, now that his confession is out in the open, he is in the dark.
Her demeanour has slightly diverted swells of amusement and satisfaction dancing along the tabletop.
“Just wanted to try and make it up to you.” He shrugs earnestly, unfortunately having to rely on her newfound information to dictate her next reaction.
“Make it up to me?”
He can’t convince himself to meet her eyes, his lowering to study the rings donning his fingers, fearful of humiliation, but not enough to waste the opportunity sitting across from him, looking overjoyed with sweet satisfaction, and far too endearing for him to resist,
“Mm. I didn’t want you to think I was just a grump but…” Her face seems to soften and he feels it safe to continue, “Been tryna ask you out on a date. since.”
“A date?”
“Yeah, a date.”
“Are you crazy?” Her features return to one of confusion, bewildered at his seemingly sudden turnaround, “I don’t like you.”
“Well, I like you.”
“Forgive me for finding that hard to believe.”
It’s true- that he likes you, and that it’s hard to believe. He likes the surprise shifting his statement.
“I do.” He nods as if it’s been obvious from the start, “And your attitude, and your silly yellow car.” He admits with bashful fondness, “Guess I hoped we could start over?”
“Sunshine.” She says.
“Hm?”
He ponders aloud and it’s her turn to lean forward, stretching her arms across the table. Her gaze has returned to one of sternness,
“My car. Her name is Sunshine.” She allows Harry a moment to soak up the coincidental information. “She is a piece of junk, but I love her, so shut up about my baby.”
Harry’s head tilts back when a bough of laughter suddenly leaves his lips- amused and even more attracted than he thought possible, he nods along in agreement and chuckles, “Fair enough.”
There is an elongated pause- at least Harry perceives it to be- as she thinks over the oddly pleasurable past few weeks of finding herself in the presence of a grumpy but playful man.
So, she gives him one last good look over before deciding to openly give in,
“You have been a consistent pain in my ass.” He pouts cutely, and she goes on, “Guess we’ll have to find out if there’s more to you.”
He smiles at that, his head and heart finally settling at the promise of better nights of sleep to follow. Moreso, he’d like to find out more about this so-called Sunshine who seems to simultaneously rile him up and calm him down with ease,
“‘M name’s Harry, by the way.” He extends a hand.
“Y/n.” Her palm meets his eagerly.
-
Here we go children, this one was really fun to write, I hope it meets your expectations! - Em. xo 💞 this one's especially for @harrysonlylover 💞
#harry styles x reader#harry styles fic#elioslover#harry styles one shot#harry styles imagine#harry styles x y/n#harry x reader#harry styles x you#harry styles blurb#harry styles#harry styles grumpy#harry styles concept#harry styles angst#harry styles fluff#harry styles au
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PF1: GRAVE HAG
Hello! Here's another of my attempts at retro-converting a 2E critter to 1E stats. After the Rust Hag, I surely couldn't pass up the Grave Hag, especially since I think Hags are kinda underrated and can be just as terrifying and versatile as vampires and liches when it comes to being evil masterminds.
Again I've tried to be as close as possible to the original version, though I had to drop a few special abilities in the process, since I was afraid they would have made the conversion overpowered. I'm still wondering if my conversion here might be a bit much... but I'll let you guys be the judges of that.
Hope you enjoy it!
GRAVE HAG
Image © Paizo Publishing. Accessed at Archives of Nethys here
This woman has a cadaverous appearence, with greying flesh, filthy black hair and bloody sores all over her body. Her nails are long, ragged claws, and her clothes are soiled with grave dirt.
GRAVE HAG CR 9
XP 6’400
CE Medium Monstrous Humanoid
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +18
DEFENSE
AC 23 (+3 Dex, +1 dodge, +9 natural), touch 14, flat-footed 19
hp 104 (11d10+44)
Fort +8, Ref +10, Will +11; +4 vs. disease, fear and paralysis
Defensive Abilities negative healing
Damage Reduction 5 / cold iron; Immune energy drain, poison; Spell Resistance 20
ATTACK
Speed 30 ft.
Melee improvised weapon +17 / +12 / +7 (1d8+7) or 2 claws +17 (1d6+5 plus grab)
Ranged grave ray +15 touch (4d6)
Special Attacks curse of the grave, grave ray
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 12th, concentration +15)
1/day – cloudkill (DC 18)
3/day – animate dead, contagion (DC 18), enervation (DC 18), vampiric touch
At will – bleed (DC 14), cause fear (DC 15), command undead (DC 16), death knell (DC 15), speak with dead (DC 17)
STATISTICS
Str 20, Dex 17, Con 16, Int 19, Wis 18, Cha 17
Base Atk +12; CMB +17 (+21 grapple); CMD 30
Feats Catch Off-Guard (B), Dodge, Great Fortitude, Power Attack, Spell Focus (necromancy), Toughness, Undead Master
Skills Bluff +14, Climb +10, Craft (any one) +10, Heal +11, Intimidate +15, Knowledge (arcana) +14, Knowledge (religion) +16, Perception +18, Sense Motive +12, Spellcraft +12, Stealth +14, Survival +10
Languages Aklo, Common, Giant, Necril
Special Qualities undead mien
ECOLOGY
Environment any
Organization solitary or coven (3 hags of any type)
Treasure standard
SPECIAL ABILITIES
Curse of the Grave (Sup): Three times per day, a grave hag can put a curse on a creature, rendering it more enticing to the ravenous undead. A target can avoid this effect by making a successful Will save (DC 18). If the save is failed, the target starts drawing the undead’s attention, granting them a +4 bonus on Perception checks to notice the affected creature and on saving throws to resist spells that hide or disguise the affected creature from undead (such as hide from undead). Once an undead notices the affected creature, it feels compelled to kill and devour the affected creature, and gains a +2 profane bonus on attack rolls made against the affected creature and a +2 profane bonus on saving throws against the affected creature’s spells and special abilities. The undead also ignores any concealment less than total concealment that an affected creature has. A curse of the grave lasts for 24 hours or until removed with a successful remove curse, dispel magic, break enchantment or similar magic (against a casting level of 12). The save DC is Charisma-based.
Grave Ray (Sup): Once every 1d4+1 rounds, a grave hag can fire a black beam of bone-chilling negative energy to a maximum range of 60 feet. If the grave hag succeeds at a ranged touch attack, the beam inflicts 4d6 point of negative energy damage, which can be halved on a successful Fortitude save (DC 18). A grave ray can be used to heal undead creatures, or the grave hag herself, in this way. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Negative Healing (Sup): A grave hag is healed by negative energy and harmed by positive energy as if she were an undead creature.
Undead Mien (Ex): A grave hag counts as an undead creature for the purpose of spells, spell-like abilities or special abilities that detect undead. She also gains a +4 racial bonus on saving throws vs. disease, fear and paralysis effects.
Grave hags are a particularly powerful breed of hags with an affinity for undead and negative energy, who make their liars in cemetaries, mausoleums or other burial sites, where they surround themselves with undead servitors and form a kind of twisted mockery of a court. Unlike most hags, grave hags do not have the ability to alter their appearence into a more reassuring shape, and are forced to hide where few people would want to seek them out. However, grave hags are grieviously arrogant and self-centered, and believe that this kind of life is beneath them, so they spend most of their time concocting plans to expand their territory and set themselves up as petty rulers of undead-infested regions.
Even for the standards of hags, grave hags are extremely smug and self-important, seeing themselves as the most powerful, cunning and strongest of all hags, and demanding respect and unconditional obedience from any “lesser” kind of hag. They tend to mock other hags’ abilities that they don’t possess (such as the ability to alter self) as pointless parlor tricks who have no inherent use to them. The exception to this are night hags, whom are seen by grave hags as role models, and to whom a grave hag will gladly submit.
In combat, grave hags tend to hold back and harass opponents with spells and withering blasts of negative energy while their undead minions tear their victims apart. They often open up combat by casting cloudkill and then letting their minions, unaffected by the poison, have their way with the opposition. Grave hags can put a curse on their victims, making them more enticing for the undead to attack. However, if forced to hand-to-hand combat, a grave hag can give as good as she gets, often using digging tools like shovels or mattocks as improvised weapons with surprising skill.
A grave hag usually stands between 5 and 6 feet tall and weighs between 120 and 180 pounds. The bloody sores she naturally sports on her body can make her look crippled and weak, but are merely cosmetical and do not hinder the grave hag in any way other than giving her an unsightly appearence. When a grave hag joins a coven, the coven adds harm to its spell-like abilities and shares the grave hag’s negative healing ability, but a grave hag will rarely join a coven that doesn’t have either herself or a night hag as leader.
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Since I've been on it I wanna talk about Hal's parents. Cause I've seen some dislike for Geoff Johns take on them. But they didn't really, Jessica especially, exist before then. I feel like some people read the comic where Hal in hysterical grief over Coast City made a construct of his parents and then went off to kill all the Lanterns and Guardians and said yep that is exactly how his parents were.
But let's get into it. Martin and Jessica Jordan. For further context, the sibling order is Jack, Hal, Jim Jordan. Three boys. And it was sort of implied for years that they were Jewish and got confirmed not too long ago that Jessica is Jewish and Martin is Catholic. Hal was a grown man in the 80s. His childhood took place in the 50/60s. And before that he was a grown man in the 60s meaning his childhood was the 40s/50s. That absolutely influenced the type of life he had. Vs the further in time we drag this out the less natural it becomes to have super strict parents.
So to begin the first physical appearance of Martin Jordan comes in 1989 in Green Lantern: Emerald Dawn #1. This is a post crisis pre zero hour story so any events in this particular time window are wildly subject to change
Martin is a test flight pilot. He's Hal's hero. His plane goes down. Hal watches. This sequence of events stays consistent across every time line including Flashpoint which is you know fascinating.
"Hal got fired today-- and he got his mom to call up and beg for him."
"Talk about my father again Biff and I'll rip your lungs out."
In this version of events, we get a mention of Jessica. She's not named and doesn't appear. So you can tell she was brought up purely for a 'Hal is so irresponsible he needs his mommy's help' bit. Hal and Jack get along though and are violently defensive of their father. Hal also catches a drunk driving charge after this.
Speaking of drunk I know there's a comic out there where Martin is described as a drunk which I could not for the life of me dig up again but that's mentioned all of once so I just ignore it. What's with making test pilots drunks???
Anyways Green Lantern: Emerald Dawn is definitely not my favorite Hal Jordan story and I'm glad it's been mostly retconned out minus the very beginning parts with Martin.
(Green Lantern vol 3 #36)
"So you're back to flying planes, huh?"
"Dad's blood still runs through my veins, I guess."
This Christmas special in 1993 took place before Coast City exploded. Hal took Carol out to Jack's house to spend the holiday with the Jordan family. Hal directly attributes flying to his dad's influence.
Now Green Lantern vol 3 #48. Hal is standing in the ruins of Coast City not a soul left and he conjures an image of his parents. Reminder they are entirely Hal's imagination and again he is just about hysterical right now.
"I looked up to you. I worshipped the ground you walked on, or flew over. I wanted to grow up and be you... which probably has a lot to do with who I am now. Growing up, though, I never felt like you... I don't know thought that much of me."
As we saw Hal's dad died when he was Maybe ten. His little brother and older brother didn't have real accomplishments in elementary school. Jack the DA and Jim helping the campaign and having a family that's all modern. Stuff Martin would have never known about. Martin the pilot getting on Hal's case for having his head in the clouds? Really seems like Hal is the one he could have related to the most. Martin getting on Hal about not saving the city just proves Hal is projecting his worries about disappointing his dad onto his dad and then because he's so hysterical with grief forces himself to rewatch his dad dying.
Absolutely completely irrational state of mind he's in right now. At the end of this issue, he's going to fly off into space to kill all the Lanterns and the Guardians.
And then he summons Jessica. Calling her mother instead of mom is just really funny to me like informal with his strict dad formal with his chill mom. Lmao? Jessica only speaks on Martin. Reminding Hal of the good times they had. She's Hal's memory which which means Hal heard the story of dressing up as Santa he remembers his dad's aftershave. Summoning your mom just to talk about your dad is crazy work btw
Again Hal was so young when his dad died. Not a teenager not even close. What was Martin disappointed about? Maybe Hal who can't keep a job a girl or half his friends (Barry died and all super friends ditched him basically) is projecting backwards into time. And assumes his Dad would be disappointed in him.
"Personal gain? This is about personal loss!"
Personal loss and Hal's spent most of his time summoning his long dead father. He really never got over Martin dying and that's so apparent. Anyways this is where Hal decides to go into space and kill everybody. Seeing his dad taken from him one more time made him snap.
Hal is enamored with his father. Whether their relationship was tough or easy it wasn't necessarily the point. The point is Hal Jordan loves his father to Oa and back more than the rest of his family probably understood. He didn't just want to impress his father he wants to be him.
And Zero Hour royally fucked up Hal's family but like idk let's just say Infinite Crisis fixed it. That's two reality shattering events. Why not give Hal a little treat of being his dad's favorite. No one seems to miss when Jack, Jim, and Hal all went to the same college and the same fraternity and were besties
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Scott Oake: We are pleased to have the captain of the Vancouver Canucks with us on After Hours tonight. Tough loss tonight, Quinn, but you remain the early season favorite for the Norris Trophy. And we'll get to that momentarily. But first, Dave, to tonight's game.
Dave Tomlinson: Yeah, just Quinn, you guys had your way of the Seattle Kraken in their first year. They've been kind of battling back a little bit in the game this evening. Seems they've gotten a little in the way of a lot of shots, a lot of passes, some bounces didn't go your way. How did it feel out on the ice?
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, I think that we probably just didn't play our best. I think that, you know, we got them in two or three games and I think expecting us to play a little bit better than that. But, you know, sometimes you're not going to have your best. And I don't think we did tonight and we just got to keep moving on. It's a long season.
Scott Oake: All right, Quinn, it seems you're finally getting the respect you deserve. You know that for a couple of years there was that rather unfair notion that as an undersized defenseman, you were good at getting your points, but you had some defensive deficiencies. I know you heard that. What went through your mind when you did?
Quinn Hughes: Yeah. Obviously I'm a competitive guy. I think my sophomore season, second year, COVID year was really tough on me. It was hard and, you know, playing McDavid ten times in games ten times, and we struggled as a team. And so I didn't have a great year there. But I think after that, my third year I was plus 15 and, you know, plus 15 last year. So I think that my game’s been coming along in the last couple of years and I think people are seeing now, but also with the coaching staff and the team we have right now and having Hronek, it's, you know, propelled my success.
Scott Oake: You were ninth in the Norris Trophy voting last year. Did that sting?
Quinn Hughes: Uhhh I mean, I thought I had a really solid year and, you know, obviously winning plays in account to it a little bit. And yeah, so that was last year and we'll just leave it at that.
Scott Oake: Okay. You are in the Norris Trophy conversation, also the Hart conversation, which takes us to the Canucks outstanding start to the season date.
Dave Tomlinson: Did you see at the start of the season maybe even go back to training camp what you guys would see your record at now? Because you certainly talked about having a strong start to your season and now it's just played right through.
Scott Oake: Well, first of all, did you see this possibility or these many possibilities? These are all the major awards that the Canucks are in contention for through one fifth of the season.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, start your question. I mean, it's all great and we've played some really good hockey up to this point. 18 games. I think it was our 18 tonight. And, but we got to keep pushing. I mean there's 60 something, you know, games often. No one's going to awards tonight, so you know, going in the season. The main thing for all those guys up on the board there was that we want to be a successful team and respected hockey club and franchise.
Quinn Hughes: So we feel we've done that to start the year. But again, it's a long year and yeah.
Dave Tomlinson: It seems like you have something to prove that the guys up on the board all have something to prove in different ways. And then it kind of all culminated in how you've started so. Well.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, I don't want to say, you know, we're out to prove something. It's just and teach people lessons. It's really just that we're trying to be competitive guys and we want to do our job. One of the in the playoffs and it's not fun losing games. So I think that's what you're seeing.
Scott Oake: One of the things you wanted to do more of this season was shoot and you clearly have done that. So that takes us to the family home in Michigan and the shooting room. Explain this.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, it's just a fun spot for, you know, me and Jack can go mess around at night if we’re bored or you know, when Luke's there, too. And we use it quite a bit. The rollerblades, it's fun. And we open the garage door. So, you know, I've seen other guys with, you know, rooms like that. But for us, you know, hockey is what we love. And so we’ll snap the rollerblades on and go shoot some pucks. You see the golf cart there. I think we enjoy the golf a little bit more in the summer but shooting room’s good too.
Dave Tomlinson: You're going to need a golf simulator we’ll get to that. But, you know, people will look at this and say, okay, he's just working on his shot and his shots gotten better. But like, technically, are you like tweaking little things? You think, can they get a grip? It a little bit harder on the bottom of the shaft? You know, push it through like what are the small little technical differences in getting your shot as good as it's gotten so far?
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, I think I've changed a lot, to be honest. And I think I started working on it two summers ago, and it hasn't really kicked in until last summer. So this season and I really start to feel comfortable with, you know, some of the shots I'm taking here. And then of course, some of it's a shot mindset as well and trying to get more shots on that tonight. I felt like I could've had a couple more shots I passed up. But over the course of the year, I'm going to score more because I'm shooting more and I'm putting myself in a good spot.
Scott Oake: The Hughes brothers, you, Jack and Luke, both with New Jersey, are making your case to be the first family of hockey in the U.S.. Here is a nice picture of three wild and crazy guys. Is there a story behind this?
Quinn Hughes: Nothing you guys need to hear about.
Scott Oake: Okay.
Quinn Hughes: No, I mean, they’re my best buds and I spent a lot of time with them in the summer. I know Jack's first game back tonight I was happy to see him score. I don't know what the score ended up, but yeah, they're. They're both great players and a lot of fun, you know, in the summer with those guys. So we'll leave it at that.
Scott Oake: Yeah. Jack came back tonight. He was one and one and I think played 23 minutes.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah he's a special talent so it doesn't surprise me.
Scott Oake: All right. He led the league in scoring until he got hurt. Luke's having an impressive rookie season with New Jersey. The three of you often train together in the summertime and quite often led by. You're under the direction of your father, Jim, who played at Providence and was a former director of player development for the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Scott Oake: Here is Jim on off season of training.
[Clip from Going Home with Quinn Hughes]
Dave Tomlinson: It's gotta be fun to have the competition. But what do you credit your brothers for the most?
Quinn Hughes: I think just first off, those skates are really fun. My dad does a really good job, you know, keeping it fun and listening to what the, you know, the guys want and he's the smartest hockey guy I know. So we have a lot of fun out there and it's great on a hockey basis. But also, just as, you know, hanging out in the summer, that's fun, too.
Quinn Hughes: So, yeah, it's a great skate. We enjoy it. And yeah.
Scott Oake: Here's a question from Ken Caruso. How often do you talk text with your brothers? Jack and Luke? Did they comment on your winner this week?
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, I mean, they're my two best buddies, so I talk to them every day for the most part, especially Jack. And Luke... try to leave alone a little bit. It's his rookie year and find his way. He's doing a great job. He's gonna be a special player. But yeah, everyday.
Scott Oake: All right. Numerology.. number six was the chosen number of most people in the Hughes household. You couldn't have it here because Brock Boeser had it, Jack couldn't have it in New Jersey because the captain, Andy Greene, had it. So you took 43 and then Jack took 86. Did he take it because he thinks he's twice as good as you?
Quinn Hughes: No, no, no.
Dave Tomlinson: You’ve heard that before.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah. People always like to, you know, find something, but I think Jack just liked the number 86, that'll be a question for him. But, yeah.
Scott Oake: Well, did Luke take 43 then, with New Jersey as a tribute to you?
Quinn Hughes: Uh, no. I think Luke was just, you know, he's worn 43 for a couple of years. It might have started as that. But, you know, I think if you ask him now, he would say that it's more his number than mine.
Dave Tomlinson: And your 43 story, was it something handed to you at training camp? And you said, okay, this'll work.
Quinn Hughes: No, no, not really. I was just, you know, at the national team you can only pick between 30 and 60 and you’re a 15 year old kid there's not many options in between there. You don't want to go 50, 55 or whatever those numbers are and so on. 43 had a chance and then just stuck with it.
Scott Oake: There you go. Issue settled. VanEvolved says, Ask him how many times a day he's reminded by Jack and Luke that he was the lowest draft pick of the three. Jack, of course, went one, Luke number four, and you were number seven.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, I mean, I haven't thought about that in a minute, but yeah, third in the house, you know, obviously those guys deserve to go where they went. And for me I'm, you know, I love Vancouver so seven you know got lucky there but yeah I don't think about it much you know I got drafted five or six years ago, so.
Scott Oake: Okay the captain ceremony here at the start of the season saw you get the C from Stan Smyl or Orland Kurtenbach, Henrik Sedin and Trevor Linden to become the 15th captain of the Vancouver Canucks. Being captain of a team is no small responsibility, especially for a Canadian franchise. Has it changed your hockey life?
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, obviously a very special night and we got the win that night, which was pretty incredible. I mean, just look at the players in that picture. It's, you know, it was an incredible moment for me, had my parents in the stands as well. So, you know, we're 17 games in and we've been playing really good hockey, so that's been the most fun, fun aspect of that.
But I've always said, you know, what's made me so good is I can continue to learn. And, you know, I think I don't have a lot of arrogance about myself. And I'm always learning and, you know, trying to be a sponge. So for me, that's the same thing with the captaincy. Continue to grow and learn from some of the other guys and then do what I need to do.
Scott Oake: And your predecessor, Bo Horvat, was here on Wednesday night.
Dave Tomlinson: You talk about learning from players before you, guys you've played with, guys that you know. What did you take from Bo's captaincy here and what are you making your own as captain of the Canucks?
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, I mean, just, you know, looking at Bo here, take it all in. He's a special guy. And you could see how emotional he got. He, you know, deeply cared about the people in the city and the fans here. And desperately he wanted to win and be successful. And, you know, it didn't happen, unfortunately, was a tough couple of years for all of us.
But you know, he's a great person, great player. I'm happy for him. He got that contract. And as far as me, you know, like you just said, just trying to grab bits and pieces from each other, you know, other guys. But in saying that, you know, I'm in this situation because I am who I am. And yeah, that's never going to change. So I'm going to be me. But also, you know, there's always things you can learn.
Scott Oake: Shergill2000 asks: Your mom just got inducted into the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame. How proud are you of her achievements and what role did she play in making you the player you are? We should point out your mother, Ellen, was a star at the University of New Hampshire as a hockey player, and she helped the USA to a silver medal in the 1992 Worlds already in the University of New Hampshire Hall of Fame.
Scott Oake: Yeah, all right. So back to the question.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah, it was kinda sprung on us out of nowhere, I just woke up to a text from my dad saying that she was inducted, but, you know, really happy for her. She's, you know, back to your question, she's someone that, you know, got us to where we are. She kind of drove us up the mountain. And, you know, my dad, we talked to him a lot about hockey, but my mom was always there, driving us to the rink and, you know, pitching in as well with thoughts about the game. So she's, you know, obviously educated and she's, you know, been working with the U.S. national team, women's team the last couple of months. And I know she's enjoying that and they're lucky to have her. But um, you know, not as lucky as us.
Scott Oake: A question from Captain Ron, Which league is more intense? The GTHL or the NHL? I think your grandfather said to someone that the GTHL is pretty good.
Quinn Hughes: Yeah. To this day the GTHL is the hardest league I've ever played in. It's really intense, but um.. Yeah, I think it just it was like I said, it was really intense and you know, fortunate to grow up there because, you know, the hockey is so good, the level and talent so good and always pushing you. The other kids are pushing you.
And I played with Ryan McLeod, Mackenzie Entwhistle, they're both in the NHL and it's a pretty special thing, you know, when I play against those guys. But um… fortunate to grow up and live there and yeah, it's a great time.
Scott Oake: Here's something we found on YouTube or TikTok
[Keith Yandle golf prank video starts playing]
Scott Oake: You got a very nice swing.
Quinn Hughes: Haha. No, I don't.
Scott Oake: Okay, well, look at this.
Quinn Hughes: I've never actually watched the full video.
Scott Oake: Now you actually thought that you [...?] Did you not know there’s such a thing as a gag, an exploding golf ball?
Quinn Hughes: I could lie to you, but no I totally had no idea. And if you ever been to Vegas and uh, you know, some of the guys in league know what I'm talking about. But if you ever been in the Vegas media tour, it's a long couple days. And I think that was the last thing I had in the weekend. I think my brain was fried, but I can't blame it on that.
Scott Oake: And who set you up for that?
Quinn Hughes: I'm guessing Keith did, and I should have known better. I had dinner with him the night before, But yeah, it was a weird thing because it happens, the media tour in September and it didn't come out on Instagram until July. And I remember being, you know, just going off the ice from training in the summer. And I saw that and I couldn't believe it. I was like, these guys waited 11 months and didn't say anything about it. And then, you know, one of those one of those moments, you just kind of throw your phone away for two days.
Scott Oake: Nice of us to dig it up tonight.
Dave Tomlinson: Well, the best part is you're like, I got it. I got to keep this driver like, this is working for me.
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Friedrich the Profane
"Gluttonous" © Lennart Verhoeff, accessed at his ArtStation here
[The basic concept of this NPC--a demodand who writes to discredit the gods--has been kicking around in my head for at least a decade. But the name, and the title of his most notorious tome, are recent innovations. I just read a book about the Treatise of the Three Imposters, a book that existed for centuries as a rumor and slander before actually being written. It was originally used as a rhetorical weapon by Pope Gregory IX against Emperor Fredrick II, hence the name of our villain for today. ]
Friedrich the Profane
CR 20 CE Outsider (extraplanar)
This humanoid creature has sharp teeth and bat-like wings. Its skin appears to be bleached and fits poorly on its obese frame—it has torn away in some places, and hangs in flaps in others. It wears a set of simple robes and carries a long iron rod, which it uses like a walking stick.
Friedrich the Profane is a powerful demodand who has taken an intellectual approach to the demodand’s quixotic quest to overthrow the gods. He is an author of great skill, and has written many tracts and discourses designed to convince their readers that the gods are not worthy of worship, being frauds and exploiters of the highest order. His masterpiece is the Treatise of the Three Imposters, which argues that the Test of the Starstone is a trap designed to kill anyone powerful enough to challenge the gods. Iomedae, Cayden Cailean and Norgober are the titular three imposters, who were granted divine power directly by Aroden to maintain the Starstone ruse, and then murdered him in order to cover up their secret origins. Friedrich poured some of his own quintessence into the creation of seven special copies of this book, which warped his body and left him a broken soul. He has seeded six of these copies in Golarion in order to spread mayhem and maltheism, but keeps the seventh copy for himself.
Friedrich now lives in seclusion and semi-retirement. His joints have locked up and his pallid hide is perpetually rent with seeping wounds; he treats his ailments with baths in warm acid and by sewing his skin in place. His manor is an imposing, gothic structure carved into the cavern walls of Sekatar-Seraktis in the Abyss, trusting to the war-torn nature of that plane to keep away intruders. He maintains a small household staff of lesser demodands, but despises the company of all other creatures. Friedrich the Profane walks with an iron rod to assist his movement, which can unlock into a deadly three-section staff should he need to defend himself (or punish an underling).
Treatise of the Three Imposters
Although heavily redacted copies of this book can be found in a dozen or so libraries, and more in the ash piles of censors, the seven magical copies of Treatise of the Three Imposters are all currently extant. Any creature that carries a Treatise of the Three Imposters treats the damage reduction and spell resistance of all extraplanar outsiders as if they were five points lower. A creature that actually reads the entire dense text, which takes a total of 48 hours over a minimum of 6 days, gains the heretical soul special ability of a demodand. The book is cursed. Anyone who carries a copy of Treatise of the Three Imposters cannot cast divine spells. Anyone who reads the entire book to gain its benefits can never cast divine spells again, nor gain levels in a divine spellcasting class, unless they receive an atonement spell, followed by a limited wish, wish or miracle spell. Having the curse lifted in such a way removes the heretical soul ability from the creature.
CL 20th; School strong abjuration; Weight 5 lbs.
Friedrich the Profane CR 20
XP 307,200
Broken soul shaggy demodand
CE Medium outsider (chaotic, demodand, evil, extraplanar)
Init +11; Senses blindsense 30 ft., darkvision 60 ft., detect good, detect magic, Perception +28, see invisibility
Defense
AC 37, touch 14, flat-footed 25 (+4 Dex, +19 natural, +4 armor)
hp 362 (25d10+225)
Fort +22, Ref +14, Will +17; +4 vs. divine spells
DR 15/good and magic, 5/-; Immune acid, poison; Resist cold 10, electricity 5, fire 10, sonic 5; SR 29
Offense
Speed 30 ft., fly 40 ft. (average)
Melee +2 unholy sansetsukon +36/+31/+26/+21 (1d10+15 plus 2d6 unholy), bite +29 (2d6+4) or bite +34 (2d6+9), 2 claws +34 (1d6+9) or tortuous touch +34 (2d6 plus 1d6 Dexterity damage)
Special Attacks agonized wail, baleful gaze (DC 27), faith-stealing strike (DC 27), torturous touch (DC 27)
Spell-Like Abilities CL 20th; concentration +15 (+19 casting defensively)
Constant—detect good, detect magic, see invisibility
At will—detect thoughts (DC 17), fear (DC 19), gaseous form, greater dispel magic, invisibility (self only), magic circle against good
3/day—empowered cloudkill (DC 20), fog cloud, quickened ray of enfeeblement (DC 16), stinking cloud (DC 18)1/day—blasphemy (DC 22), chaos hammer (DC 19), mass charm monster (DC 23), summon (level 6, 1d6 tarry demodands or 1d4 slimy demodands 60%)
Statistics
Str 29, Dex 18, Con 27, Int 21, Wis 16, Cha 20
Base Atk +25; CMB +34 (+36 vs. disarm); CMD 48 (50 vs. disarm)
Feats Combat Casting, Combat Expertise, Diehard (B), Empower Spell-Like Ability (cloudkill), Endurance (B), Great Fortitude (B), Greater Vital Strike, Improved Disarm, Improved Feint, Improved Initiative, Improved Vital Strike, Intimidating Prowess, Lightning Reflexes, Power Attack, Quicken Spell-Like Ability (ray of enfeeblement), Toughness (B), Vital Strike
Skills Bluff +27, Craft (writing) +30, Diplomacy +27, Fly +22, Intimidate +46, Knowledge (arcana) +30, Knowledge (planes, religion) +33, Linguistics +10, Perception +28, Sense Motive +28, Spellcraft +27, Use Magic Device +27; Racial Modifiers +8 Intimidate
Languages Abyssal, Celestial, Common, Infernal, Necril, Senzar, two regional languages
SQ heretical soul
Gear +2 unholy sansetsukon, bracers of armor +4, Treatise of the Three Imposters, wand of scorching ray (CL 11th, 50 charges), 200 pp, 500 gp
Special Abilities
Agonized Wail (Su) As a standard action, Friedrich the Profane can emit an agonized wail that inspires terror in those who hear it. All creatures within 120 feet must succeed at a DC 27 Will save or become shaken for as long as they remain within 120 feet of Friedrich. A successful save renders a creature immune to Friedrich’s agonized wail for 24 hours. This is a sonic mind-affecting fear effect, and the save DC is Charisma based.
Baleful Gaze (Su) Any creature within 60 feet of Friedrich the Profane must succeed at a DC 27 Fortitude save or take 1d4 points of Strength, Constitution, and Charisma drain. Whatever the result of the saving throw, the creature cannot be affected by the same broken soul's baleful gaze again for 1 minute. Demodands are immune to this effect. The save DC is Charisma based.
Faith-Stealing Strike (Su) When Friedrich the Profane’s natural attack or melee weapon damages a creature capable of casting divine spells, that creature must make a DC 27 Will saving throw or be unable to cast any divine spells for 1 round. Once a creature makes this save, it is immune to further faith-stealing strikes from that particular demodand for 24 hours. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Heretical Soul (Ex) All demodands gain a +4 bonus on saving throws against divine spells. In addition, any attempts to scry on a demodand using divine magic automatically fail. The caster can see the scryed area normally, but the demodand simply does not appear.
Treatise of the Three Imposters (Su) By carrying a copy of his cursed tome, Freidrich the Profane is able to treat the spell resistance and damage reduction of all extraplanar outsiders as if they were 5 points lower.
Torturous Touch (Su) Friedrich the Profane can make a touch attack to cause hideous, painful wounds to rip open in the target's body. This touch deals 2d6 points of slashing damage and 1d6 points of Dexterity damage, and causes the touched creature to fall prone in a fit of convulsions and be dazed for 1d4 rounds. A successful Fortitude save negates the Dexterity damage and the convulsive fit. The save DC is Charisma based.
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I've found the best RWBY fans to interact with are the ones who like the show but still acknowledge its flaws.
Like, so much of the FNDM seems to have this "All or Nothing" mentality where you either unconditionally love and praise everything Rooster Teeth does or base your entire personality around hating everything Rooster Teeth has so much as breathed on, and honestly both extremes are horribly unhealthy.
I mostly agree with this, though I feel like it's worth pointing out that a lot of the "unconditional love" fans are really just fed up with the years' worth of negativity on the part of people who make hating the show their entire identity. I think it stems from the YouTubers, to be honest. For a lot of them, producing content is an actual job. While I don't personally care for that content and have no interest in watching any RWBY YouTuber, I can't dunk on any of them too hard because they actually get paid to do this and I'm well aware that there's a certain price for which my personal integrity is for sale: if it meant I would never have to sacrifice my physical and mental health working 40-60 hours a week ever again, if it meant I'd have time for myself and the people I care about, if it meant I could devote myself to the things I love or use my hypothetical wealth to make the world around me better... yeah, I'd absolutely base my brand around hating a show and appealing to shitheads, as long as I'm not expected to start shoving people down the alt-right pipeline. I like to think there's somewhere I'd draw the line, that there are things I wouldn't do for money, but the thought of not being fucking miserable and in physical pain at almost all times is really tempting.
Anyway, the point is that for at least some of these people, hating on RWBY is an actual job, as stupid as it sounds. It puts food on the table, which means they have a vested interest in building their brand, which means promoting their content and getting it exposure, which in turn means that avoiding negativity can take actual effort and isn't always as simple as just blocking people you don't like if you want to participate in fandom spaces that aren't total echo chambers. I don't know how blocking works on reddit because I mostly use my reddit account to look at pictures of breasts, but what I do know is that even going to the main RWBY subreddit to do something like read the reaction thread to a new Ice Queendom episode runs a not-insignificant risk of at least passively exposing me to the newest stupid take to escape quarantine in r/rwbycritics. As a result, there's a subset of the audience that feeds itself by whipping up negativity, by targeting emotional responses, that can be pretty hard to escape. I don't blame people who just don't want to deal with it anymore for responding defensively, though I'll concede that it can make having nuanced discussion... difficult.
This is not to say that everyone who is critical of RWBY is exactly the same. What most people think of when they talk about the critical side of the community contains people with anything from the relatively uncontroversial belief that the Battle of Haven was poorly choreographed or that some of the early voice acting wasn't very good to people with spicy hot takes like "Team RWBY are the real villains" and "Blake abused Adam and ruined his life". I guess I'm technically a critic, given that I post about things I like about RWBY, things I dislike, things I think worked well and things I think didn't, and then try to support and explain my views, but I don't really like thinking of myself that way because I don't want to be lumped in with the more extreme elements of either RWDE or rwbycritics. It's why I use the "analysis" tag instead of "rwde" (well, that and I think using "rwde" inherently sets a more hostile tone than I'm going for in a lot of cases).
I do think it's funny that RWDE and rwbycritics frequently come at the show from completely opposite directions (think "I'm worried that Rooster Teeth is using Bumbleby to string queer viewers along with the promise of representation without ever delivering on it" vs. "Rooster Teeth defiled Monty's memory* by making his action show political (read: gay)" and think the possibility for friendly fire between the two is hilarious. My solution is simple:
So yeah, the critics ("critics") definitely annoy me more than the people who are just relentlessly positive (though this may be because I've never personally experienced the harassment that each group supposedly directs at the other) given that most of the people who like the show at least engage with the text in good faith, while certain critics... do not. There are definitely a couple RWDE blogs that I think are reasonable, and even r/rwbycritics will inadvertently generate something resembling a coherent thought every once in a while, but I don't particularly care to engage with that community beyond browsing it once in a while out of curiosity because the good isn't worth wading through the garbage. RWDE is better in the sense that content is associated with specific blogs rather than threads posted to a subreddit, meaning that if someone posts nothing but stupid takes you don't want to interact with, you can just block them.
As for Rooster Teeth the company, I'm not an expert on its history by any means, but I know they've had issues with crunch in the past, I'm aware of the drama after Monty's death, and I know their brand was built on dudebro humor, so like... I'm sure there's been plenty to criticize in the past and is still plenty to criticize now, but I don't really care about Rooster Teeth beyond the fact that it produces RWBY and don't watch any of the studio's non-RWBY-related content. There's really not much I can give anyone here. Other people are a lot more invested in the company one way or another than I am.
*I really hate the "Monty's vision" argument. Nothing proves a point like dragging a dead man's name into your argument so you can pretend you knew what he wanted better than the people who actually knew and worked with him. Just utterly classless.
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Ettercap Vizier - CR8 Aberration
Come into my temple's vestibule, said the spider to the fly.
Artwork is official concept art from World of Warcraft, copyright Blizzard Entertainment.
Ettercaps are generally solitary creatures, but that doesn't mean there aren't leaders among them. Secret underground temples and other places of religious significance are sometimes the domain of ettercap adherents, who follow many of the same demonic gods as the drow. Ettercap viziers serve as advisors, oracles and overseers in these places of power. They may ally with other arachnid creatures more often than with their own kind.
Ettercap viziers summon swarms of spiders, which have more hit points than normal due to their Augment Summoning feat, and then buff the swarms with infectious swarm while keeping their distance from opponents. If an enemy becomes fatigued by an ettercap vizier's aura, it casts slowing decay.
Ettercap Vizier - CR 8
The gangly arachnid creature stands on its hind legs in an upright stance, wearing robes that look like official vestments of some type. Its face is that of a spider, and its hands are long claws.
XP 4,800
LE Medium aberration
Init +11
Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision; Perception +17
Aura aura of fatigue (30 ft., DC 18)
DEFENSE
AC 17, touch 13, flat-footed 14 (+3 Dex, +4 natural)
hp 95 (10d8+50)
Fort +8, Ref +6, Will +11
OFFENSE
Speed 30 ft., climb 30 ft.
Melee bite +9 (1d6+2 plus poison) and 2 claws +9 (1d4+2)
Special Attacks web (+10 ranged, DC 19, hp 10)
Spells Known (CL 8th; concentration +12)
3rd (3/day)—eldritch fever (DC 18), ego whip I (DC 18)
2nd (5/day)—infectious swarm (see text), slowing decay (DC 17, see text), summon swarm (spider swarm only, 13 HP)
1st (5/day)—cure light wounds (touch +9, DC 16), inflict light wounds (touch +9, DC 16), protection from good, stone shield
STATISTICS
Str 14, Dex 17, Con 20, Int 14, Wis 18, Cha 16
Base Atk +7; CMB +9; CMD 18
Feats Augment Summoning, Improved Initiative, Spell Focus (conjuration), Spell Focus (enchantment), Spell Focus (necromancy)
Skills Climb +23, Craft (trapmaking) +10, Knowledge (dungeoneering) +12, Knowledge (religion) +12, Perception +17, Spellcraft +12, Stealth +16; Racial Modifiers +8 on Craft (trapmaking)
Languages Common
SQ spider empathy +17
SPECIAL ABILITIES
Aura of Fatigue (Su)
Non-arachnid creatures that move within 30 ft. of an ettercap vizier must succeed on a DC 18 Fortitude save or be fatigued. A creature that is already fatigued becomes exhausted instead. Once a creature has been subjected to an ettercap vizier's aura of fatigue (whether it saves or not), it cannot be subjected to that same ettercap vizier's aura of fatigue again until 24 hours have passed.
Cunning Initiative (Ex)
An ettercap vizier adds its Wisdom modifier on initiative checks, in addition to its Dexterity modifier. This is already included in its statistics above.
Detect Alignment (Su)
At will, an ettercap vizier can use detect chaos, detect evil, detect good, or detect law as spell-like abilities. She can only use one of these at any given time.
Infectious Swarm
As a standard action, as a 2nd-level transmutation spell, an ettercap vizier can grant a swarm within close range an infectious disease. For a number of rounds equal to the ettercap vizier's caster level (usually 8 rounds), whenever the swarm deals damage with its swarm attack, the target is subjected to the following disease:
Swarmtouch Disease (Su)
Swarm Attack—injury; save Fort DC 16; onset immediate; frequency 1/day; initial effect target takes -4 penalty on Fort saves and vulnerability to negative energy damage for duration of disease; secondary effect 1d2 Con damage; cure 2 consecutive saves. The save DC is equal to the spell DC.
This spell has verbal and somatic components. Spell resistance applies to the initial casting of the spell, but not to the disease.
Poison (Ex)
Bite—injury; save Fort DC 19; frequency 1/round for 10 rounds; effect 1d2 Dex; cure 2 consecutive saves. The save DC is Constitution based.
Slowing Decay
As a standard action, as a 2nd-level necromancy spell, an ettercap vizier can release a wave of slowing decay in a 40-ft. burst. All living enemies within the burst take 1d8 points of negative energy damage. Living enemies that are fatigued or exhausted instead take 2d8 points of negative energy damage and are slowed for one round, as the slow spell. A Fortitude save (typically DC 17) halves the damage.
Undead creatures within the burst instead gain a +1 resistance bonus on saving throws for 1 round. Living allies are unaffected by this spell.
This spell has verbal and somatic components. Spell resistance applies.
Spells
An ettercap vizier is a divine spellcaster which casts spells spontaneously, as an inquisitor, using Wisdom as its spellcasting ability score, except that it has no orisons, has one less spell known than an inquisitor at each spell level, and has a unique set of spells known instead of using the inquisitor spell list. It does not gain domains or any other class abilities of an inquisitor.
Spider Empathy (Ex)
This ability functions as the druid’s wild empathy, save that an ettercap vizier can only use this ability on spiders. An ettercap vizier gains a +4 racial bonus on this check. Spiders are mindless, but this empathic communication imparts on them a modicum of implanted intelligence, allowing ettercap viziers to train giant spiders and use them as guardians.
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I will THROW HANDS in defense of Everything Changes, point me at whoever is attacking Georgia and I'll leave only ashes. And all of this even though it holds the curious honor of being the only long fic I've not been able to finish. It's INCREDIBLY WELL WRITTEN especially considering the dark topics it approaches, and the way she describes races is the best I've ever seen. I started to read it when I was just getting into F1 which was right in the middle of the off season and I'm not kidding when I say that I started the season with a very decent understanding of the sport for a total newbie and it was thanks to her ability to describe races in a way that's informative but still very engaging. The only reason I've been unable to catch up is because the story got to a point where I struggle to keep interest (but that's on me and my difficulty to keep focus, because her writing is still top notch). I also hate that she's being made fun of because from what I've seen she's very shy and I really hope she doesn't see those attacks. I could ramble for hours about that fic but I don't want to make spoilers but if anyone reads this and hasn't given Everything Changes a shot please go now. It even has a "soft end" much earlier if the amount of words is daunting.
/rant off, sorry! I have many feels for that fic lmao
YEAH the whole crux of the tiktok was that they had made a tiktok about it two years ago and heaven forbid, she’s still writing it two years later and OH NO, they’re both retired now (because apparently, you’re supposed to stop writing fics about drivers once they retire (don’t tell the brocedes and simi writers LMAO).
but yeah, it’s like — if Georgia_k had divided the fic into a series, NOBODY would blink twice at it. (I’m glad she didn’t though because otherwise I probably wouldn’t have started to read it and like you said it is worth reading, even just the first 60 chapters) but YEAH she has a real knack for the racing scenes and she should get so much credit instead of being some punchline. I will defend Georgia_k forever and I hope she knows that people appreciate her. I’m not caught up on the fic but I have the notifs on for new chapters and every time i get that email i smile :)
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ASK MEME
i got tagged by @runawaymarbles, tyvm i lov doing these
What book are you currently reading?
no books atm but i'm actually getting through the entire tag of a rarepair from ff13...only 41 fics :(
What’s your favorite movie you saw in theatres this year?
did i go to a theater this year...? surely at least once. OH YEAH i went to see sonic 2. since that's the only movie i saw in theaters this year that'll be my favorite one
What do you usually wear?
comfy-at-home clothes: tank top, shorts, no-show socks, hair fork, & bandana. out & about clothes: bandana & hair fork if i'm working or my hair needs washing, otherwise i keep it loose. a lot of black pants/shorts and bright glittery monochrome or tye-dye tank tops w/ black or rainbow choker, rainbow earrings, pride bracelet, smiley face ring, rainbow ring, ace ring, and sometimes my triforce necklace. if it's cold i will also wear rainbow arm warmers/socks and fingerless gloves with the pink peace symbols on them. if i'm REALLY dressing up i will wear rainbow tights under a long shirt or short dress. wow sorry this is the longest answer so far i just really love bright fashion!!! i can't believe god nerfed me by making plus sized clothes fucking suck so bad
How tall are you?
5’1 :/
What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?
i think i'm actually a cancer LMFAO. and stuck with this username...idk about any celebrities but my birthday IS on the summer solstice which is absolutely bitchin' in my professional opinion. i could not possibly have asked for a better date although i do wish it didn't have to fall on father's day sometimes
Do you go by your name or a nick-name?
i go by liz which is not my legal first name. technically my legal middle name isn't liz either it's like elizabeth obviously but my first name is cringefail and nobody can spell it OR say it so i just don't tell most people what it is lol. i started going by liz when i was in 8th grade and sometimes my mom STILL messes it up...
Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?
no BUT as a kid i really really really really REALLY wanted pink hair. as an adult no one can stop me. kid me would be so jealous of adult me's look in EVERY way
What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?
good at: dreaming. you know how in the 40s-60s most people dreamed in black and white because that was how tv looked? apparently if you play enough video games you'll get so good at controlling a simulated environment you can simply wake up on command. i never completely mastered lucid dreaming but it's a neat trick anyway. bad at: sleeping. exhibit a: i am answering this meme at 2:30 in the fucking morning, and i have not had 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep since december 10. that's like 28 days!
Dogs or cats?
CATS!!!!!!! i like dogs too tho
What’s something you would like to create stuff for?
i would love to draw some zelda art. i just need a new tablet sadly none of the old ones work with my pc
If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?
UGH i can't post it, it's in the undisclosed project
What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?
so a very long time ago when we were teenagers my brother showed me minecraft. i played half an hour of it and then gave the controller back and told him i couldn't keep going because i would quite literally never put it down if i did. unfortunately i did NOT show that same level of foresight and self-restraint when downloading the demo of SLIME RANCHER. in my defense i was utterly unprepared for its sheer potency. i played exactly four minutes of the demo before i caved and bought it - $5 was a steal - without realizing how absolutely lethal it is to combine adhd with a farming sim especially during seasonal depression months. this thing has been churning out dopamine so fast my stupid little rat brain can't keep up. i'm frying every last pleasure receptor i ever had as thoroughly as i possibly can. i am begging one of you to physically come to my house and uninstall it from my pc.
What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?
andor 🙏 sorry to all andor enjoyers but it fucking sucked (except for the prison break)
What’s a hidden talent of yours?
i'm freakishly good at packing things. items into boxes, boxes into vehicles, organizing drawers and closets, etc. at my house we call it "tetrising" since i guess that's a pro gamer move that translates to the real world..................
Are you religious?
no i am disqualified for being gay <3
What’s something you wish to have at this moment?
a completed copy of this photo album i'm supposed to be making. i got behind bc i was playing slime rancher :(
ok im tagging @slaygentford @maulthots @brownbicon @machidielontheway @paty-ofarrell @ozymandiasdirge @moogleterra @marcelgerard @elsa12tmnt @smellslikebot @youngbenkenobi and anyone else who wants to do it, do it & say i tagged you!!
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Character Spotlight: James Kirk
By Ames
We’re starting a new blog collection here on A Star the Steer Her By in which we’re shining the spotlight on each main character, series by series. It’s mostly so I don’t have to think of new topics every week, but it will also be a fun time to consider our favorite moments from all our Starfleet friends, and also some moments in which they don’t come out so shining.
Of course, we’re kicking it off with the man himself, Captain James Tiberius Kirk! He’s the model captain in a lot of ways, helped by the fact that he’s the first one we really get to meet and see as a fully realized character. He swashbuckles. He kisses SO many women. He juliennes fries. He does it all! Join us below and in this week's podcast discussion (Shat Chat starts at 1:08:30) as we boldly go with the biggest name in Trek.
[Images © CBS/Paramount]
Best Moments
Leave any bigotry in your quarters
In the season 1 episode “Balance of Terror,” Kirk shows us the kind of forward-thinking, inclusive captain he is, telling Stiles, “Leave any bigotry in your quarters. There's no room for it on the bridge.” It’s good to see our heroes making anti-racist statements like this, whether that be back in the 60s or today.
The advanced trait of mercy
By refusing to kill the Gorn in “Arena,” Kirk impressed both the Metron and the viewers by showing that compassion and belief in the right to coexist can trump hate and war. These lizard-faced bullies may be our enemy, but Kirk reveals that deep down under that rubber suit and disco-ball eyes, we’re all just people.
No Kill I
Similarly, not long after that episode, we see Kirk again protect a species being treated as the villain, this time the Horta in “Devil in the Dark.” And it’s a good thing too, because the Horta made it onto lists of both our favorite characters from TOS and our favorite races from TOS!
A dazzling display of logic
We could have listed each time Kirk talks a computer to death, but our favorite was when he outsmarts Nomad in “The Changeling.” It was an impressive showing of quick thinking and cunning to make the robot admit he was in error and thus require sterilization. Unlike Kirk in this moment, this unit was not perfect.
My dear Captain Koloth
The way Kirk wraps up the mystery at the end of “The Trouble with Tribbles” is spellbinding, like a good Agatha Christie story. He sees through disguises, he finds the culprit, he saves the grain! But all that is slight in comparison to how he gets one over on the smarmy Koloth, and it just feels so good to rub it in his goateed face.
A royal fizzbin
An honorable mention on our list but worth including comes in one of the best comedy episodes of the franchise: “A Piece of the Action.” While many of the moments were clever and amusing indeed, it was Kirk’s spontaneous invention of fizzbin as a way to distract the gang members that we’d wager on any day.
Competition on the bridge
This one is a more subtle moment, but worth a little bit of accolade. Kirk is fully ready to browbeat Decker for contradicting him on the bridge during the incident with the space potato in The Motion Picture, but when Kirk understands that Decker had more information on the subject than him, it makes for a humanizing and humbling scene.
Hours will seem like days
Sure, this one might be a little bit more of a Spock moment, but we’ll count it for Kirk anyway. The Wrath of Khan is just full of tactical moves, strategy, and outwitting your opponent. And kudos to Kirk because his opponent is a superhuman genius. And whether it be 3D thinking, hacking into computer defenses, or using coded messages, he got it done!
His was the most… Human
One of Kirk’s most praise-worthy moments (or maybe just one of Shatner’s) is the whole ending of The Wrath of Khan. His scene with the dying Spock is stunning. McCoy and Scotty having to hold him back from the contaminated chamber is some nice work. But the cherry on top of this tragic sundae is that lip quiver during a perfectly delivered eulogy.
I have had enough of you!
On the flip side of that, there’s just something about Shatner’s delivery in dispatching Kruge in The Search for Spock that transcends campiness and ends up great. Is it the punctuating kicks? Is it the Shatnerian pauses? Is it Christopher Lloyd spinning off like a CGI paper doll into some flames? It’s all of it.
Row, row, row your boat
Say what you will about Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, but it’s actually got some good moments scattered throughout a lot of weirdness. And one of those highlights is the whole camping scene. I’d put it almost entirely on the charm of McCoy or the delightful strangeness of the marshmellon dispenser, but Kirk’s little speech about death and being alone is up there too.
Excuse me. What does God need with a starship?
Okay, I just couldn’t help myself with this one. Again, there’s a whole lot of The Final Frontier that doesn’t work, and having some kind of god entity running amok is weird no matter how you slice it, but Kirk deciding not to put up with his nonsense is just classic Kirk. If only he’d tried to talk it to death...
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Worst Moments
I’m Captain Kirk!!!!
Some people could dismiss Evil Kirk’s behavior in the deeply problematic “The Enemy Within” because it’s just his villainous half conducting it. But we are not those people. Listen, if any half of your personality is a rapist, that is just not okay, and the fact that Kirk and crew just barely support Yeoman Rand during this ordeal before sending her away is disgraceful.
Untended space seedlings
While it does lead to one of the best Star Trek movies (to some, the best overall), Kirk’s decision to strand Khan and his followers (and a Starfeet officer as well!) on some planet in “Space Seed” strikes us as just plain unfounded when you actually think about it. Is this how Starfleet sentences people? And then to never go back and check on him just adds neglect to insult.
A rice-picking accident
There’s a ton in The Original Series that doesn’t age well, and it’s kind of a shame that an episode as good as “The City on the Edge of Forever” has such a cringe-worthy moment. But when Kirk proclaims to the police officer that his friend here is obviously Chinese and the ears are like that because of a rice-picking accident, it’s tough to set our jaws straight again.
Clouded judgment
Throughout the season 2 episode “Obsession,” we see Kirk at probably his least professional. He puts the whole crew in danger because of some old grudge (and who can even say this is the same cloud as the one he encountered before? It’s a CLOUD!). For a captain as competent and cool-headed as he’s been portrayed to be, this is not a good day for Jim.
Brothels are the best medicine
Kirk just plain wears his incompetence on his sleeve when he keeps leaving Scotty alone with women in “Wolf in the Fold.” Just, over and over again! Perhaps this episode’s main problem is that the writer decided that having one bad experience with women will turn you into a sexist asshole, but frankly, Kirk should have known better anyway.
Serpents for the Garden of Eden
This infamous action made it deep into the “Don’t do this!” corner of our Prime Direction chart a while back, and for good reason! Kirk deciding to supply the Hill People with guns in “A Private Little War” is unconscionable. I know we break the Prime Directive all the time, but it’s usually for a better reason than “the Klingons started it”!
Keep it in your toga, Kirk
While we usually just roll our eyes and go with it when Kirk smooches all the women (so many women!) throughout The Original Series, it is just uncomfortable to watch his scene with Drusilla in “Bread and Circuses.” She has no ability to consent because she is Claudius’s slave. And when he lends her to Kirk for the night and Kirk goes to town, I vomit in my mouth. Bad, Kirk! Bad!
Any excuse to play dress up
While “The Enterprise Incident” ended up on a couple of our Tops lists from TOS, you do have to admit that Kirk’s plan to get himself captured by Romulans, convince them he was acting alone by being a jerk to his crew for days (if not weeks?), fake his own death via the Vulcan death grip, and then return dressed only slightly in Romulan makeup is absolutely convoluted.
One big happy fleet
While we described above some of the mastermind planning that Kirk exhibits in The Wrath of Khan, it was just a fool’s move to refuse to raise shields against the looming Reliant. Saavik outright quotes General Order 12 and how you are required to raise shields when communication cannot be made, but Kirk has the wool thoroughly over his eyes at that point.
I need my pain
“I don’t want my pain taken away; I need my pain,” says Kirk in The Final Frontier. While the sentiment is there and the message sounds a little like what Kirk had once said in “This Side of Paradise,” there’s just something about this scene that Chris wanted to make sure landed on our list. It’s somewhere between the Shatner acting and the Shatner writing that it falls flat.
They’re animals
Ya know how we were just commending the captain for speaking up when Stiles was being a racist twat? Well, when suddenly Kirk is calling all Klingons “animals” in The Undiscovered Country and stating that we should “let them die” (even Koloth?!), it’s kind of a bad look, and frankly a little bit rushed as a character element. This is not the Kirk we know and love.
A bridge too far
In Generations, Kirk gets dealt a death scene so milquetoast and unsatisfying that it sours our final impressions of the character. Not only does the movie end up barely using him, as does the fist fight with Malcolm McDowall look like two old men puttering around, but to get crushed by a bridge just seems like an insult to a character we loved for so many years. Oh my.
—
Surely, that’s all skipping over a lot of other great or lamentable Kirk moments from across the series. What did we miss? What were your favorite moments from the command gold of yore? We’ll have more character scutiny next week, as Spock is up on the chopping block, so definitely keep your eyes on this space, follow along as we start a full watchalong of Enterprise over on SoundCloud or wherever you podcast, transport over to Facebook and Twitter, and watch out for that Finney-eject button! It’s so perilously close to the coffee button!
#star trek#star trek podcast#podcast#james kirk#the original series#star trek tos#the motion picture#the wrath of khan#the search for spock#the final frontier#the undiscovered country#balance of terror#arena#the devil in the dark#the changeling#the trouble with tribbles#a piece of the action#the enemy within#space seed#the city on the edge of forever#obsession#wolf in the fold#a private little war#bread and circuses#the enterprise incident#william shatner
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I've posted this on Twitter before, but since Tumblr seems better for long text I thought I'd repost it here. I should also say that yes, I was an incredibly dumb kid.
When I was 15/16ish, I used to regularly walk up to the local library while my parents were at the supermarket, check out a ton of books, and then walk home. Well, soon after I got home this one day, the doorbell went. It was this guy, I pegged him at the time as being about my granddad’s age, which would put him in his 60s, glasses, green hat, heavy grey coat, umbrella (it was raining). He told me he was a friend of my dad’s and that my dad had borrowed some magazines of his and he wanted them back.
Me: He’s not home, you’ll have to come back later.
Him: That’s ok, I’ll just come in and get them.
Me: ??? No, you’ll have to wait until they’re home. They won’t be long.
This was true, by our routine I was normally home about an hour or so before my parents.
He told me he didn’t want to wait and that he could just come in and grab them.
I told him no again, but I was starting to feel nervous, because if he *was* a friend of my parents I’d get yelled at for not helping him. Again, dumb kid, and this was how my mum would react.
Now, at the time my family had this terrier dog. He was maybe 8/9 at the time, but he loved to meet people at the door and he’d come with me. And this dog was *vocal*. We used to joke he could talk because you could tell what he wanted by the pitch and tone of his voice. He had different sounds for everything.
I’d closed him behind the inner door, but I could still hear him, and his voice wasn’t making the normal happy visitor sounds he usually made. It wasn’t growling, but it was a weird grumbling noise I'd never really heard from him before, and I thought he’d got into something trying to get to the door (shoerack or bags or something), so now this was more pressure because I needed to get rid of this guy to deal with the dog.
I told him to come back later when my parents were home and tried to close the door.
He stopped me.
I can’t remember if he put his hand out or his foot in it, or what, but he stopped me, and kept insisting I let him in to get his damn magazines.
At this point I was freaked, and under no circumstances was he coming in the house. Meanwhile, Doggo was going crackers with the grumbling and strange sounding barks behind me.
Him: It’ll be quick, I’ll just grab them.
Me: No.
I’d been trying to be polite, but this was pretty much the moment I think I shut down all niceties.
Me: He’ll be back later, come back then.
And I closed the door in his face.
I was honestly more afraid of how pissed my parents were going to be at me for being so rude to a friend of theirs than this guy, I mean, he was just some old guy, but I locked the porch door, went back in the house, and locked the inner door too.
Doggo had not, as you probably guessed, got into anything, but was just grumbling and wuffing at the door. He didn't look defensive or anything, but he definitely wasn't comfortable.
I got a drink and thought about things. My dad’s not a big reader, never has been. Why would he borrow magazines?
Also, it was summer and my mum had opened half the windows in the house.
I went round the house, closed all the windows, and then locked doggo, a carving knife and I in the conservatory until my dad and brothers got home. Best choice I made in that entire debacle. My dad ended up having to call me because he'd forgotten his keys and I wouldn't answer the doorbell to let him in. He had not borrowed magazines from anyone and had no idea who this guy could have been, but he just kinda laughed the entire thing off.
Looking back, I really hope that somewhere out there, there’s an old man who occasionally thinks of the time he got the wrong address and scared a teenage girl half to death. But sometimes I just think of HOW INSISTENT this guy was to get in the house, and I have to think about it, because was he so socially unaware of the fact he was asking a young girl to do one of the most major things she’d been taught NOT to do?
THEORIES
My street had a semi-similar name to two other streets nearby, and there was a third with the same naming patterns (though my friend lived in my number on one of them, and her family didn’t know the guy either, I asked and gave his description. I honestly thought afterwards that he was probably looking for them because my friend and I look similar in general from a distance but nope). So he might genuinely have just been lost.
I also thought for a very long time that this could have been a robbery scam. My town at the time had a problem with people (usually men) tricking usually elderly folks into letting them into the house and then robbing them. If this guy did think I was a child home alone, he might have decided to alter his script on what he hoped would be an easy job. And it would explain why his story was so weird: he was improvising it on the fly to what he thought was a child.
It's also worth noting that although I was 15/16 at the time, I looked MUCH younger. I could easily pass for preteen at the time, it was a mistake many people made. This guy had no idea he wasn't speaking to a much younger preteen and was demanding said preteen let him in their house. And if he'd seen me come home, he'd have seen me unlock the door, which meant there was a good chance I was alone. This aspect of things didn't strike me until years later, but it's still something I think about.
#true story#scary story#creepy#real people are scarier than fiction sometimes#wtf happened this day#conspiracy theories about my own life#who was this guy?#where did he come from?#where did he go?#let me in#yes I was so stupidly dumb as a kid and teen
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1, 9 10 13 15 16 18 23 52 53 55 60 63 71 80 86 107 121 127 134 135 for ur ask meme
wheeeee~
okay so there's are enough of these questions that I'm gonna answer this in parts because otherwise (a) I'll never finish and (b) tumblr WILL end up earing my drafts and I wince just thinking about that. So here we go-
1. a book that is close to your heart
The Beginning by K.A. Applegate. Anyone who's spent some time on my tumblr knows about my obsession with this series. It drilled into my ear and took over all higher life form function way back when I was an impressionable pre-teen. And then after sometime, when I thought I'd found other things to obsess about, I found copies of the final arc and it decided to permanently take up residence in my brain.
The Beginning is the final installment of the Animorphs series, which famously feature kids turning into animals to fight brain stealing alien puppeteers. It's not a climax- it's a extended denouement, because the books have always been about how children people are affected by war as much as as it was about the actual war. Animorphs also ended on a very bittersweet note, something unthinkable to baby me who had never seen a story end this way before. It was a learning experience.
Quote:
"Jake, you can't . . ." She took a deep breath. "You can't equate the victim and the perpetrator."
"So as long as you're playing defense it's not possible to commit a war crime?" I asked. "That's pretty close to just saying that the winner makes the rules because it's the winner who writes the history."
She grabbed my arm and searched for my eyes, forcing me to look at her. "No, Jake, it isn't. There are a lot of close calls in history, lots of wars where the blame is evenly split between the sides. This isn't one of them. Before they came to Earth no human ever attacked a Yeerk. No human ever harmed a Yeerk. This one is clear: We are the victims. They made war on us."
"That's good," I said softly. "All of that is good. We have justification. We're the good guys."
Marco said, "That's right, Big Jake, we are."
I nodded. "That's good for the big picture. See, my problem is a little more personal."
Ax asked.
"Well, Ax-man, you're right, you did call my attention to the possibilities on the Pool ship. And when you did that I guess I should have thought, Well, Jake, it's a harsh, terrible thing to do, but you're justified because, after all, you're the victim here. But that's not what I thought. You know what I thought?"
Cassie released her grip on me. But Marco just took a step up close, right in my face.
"I know what you thought, Jake. You thought Die, you filthy worms. Feel the fear, Yeerks. Feel the pain. Feel the helplessness. You wanted them to suffer and the idea of them suffering and dying made you happy. You were thrilled. You were high."
Cassie winced. She looked away.
I said, "Yeah, Marco. That was about it: word for word."
9. your favourite book of 2020 2022
2022 has been a weird year, reading-wise. My goodreads list is as bare as a chocolate box after two hours in my company, because the site is not good at tracking webtoons and webnovels. Which in turn makes it harder for me to remember what I liked and how much I liked it, because that's 90% of why I use goodreads in the first place. So you know, answering this makes me twitchy, because if I'm not keeping track how would I even know what my favorite is?
BUT. I can tell you which story IMMEDIATELY made me consume other adaptations, scour through all of its Ao3 pages, and go on a re-read almost instantly after the fanfics ran out and it's Spy x Family by Tatsuya Endo. Also, it has an active tumblr fanbase- glory be.
Spy x Family is about a spy, an assassin, and a telepath playing house. It's about found family. It's about two people you really wouldn't peg as parent material at first look being the most adorable parents ever. It's about people calmly accepting (and in most cases not even recognizing) each other's weirdness. It's about the humanity in war-torn places and war-torn people. Also there are a bunch of first graders who are having their own drama and it is somehow vastly entertaining.
Panel: (read right to left)
10. a book that got you through something
deep sigh. Okay, so I have a few mixed feelings about these books today that I didn't have when I first read them, but hear me out here.
Once upon a time, I entered into college as a bright-eyed, hopeful child who was sure she'd have the world within her grasp soon. Fast forward eight months and I was a depressed wreck who spent an hour a day crying and moving slowly but steadily towards suicidal thoughts. Suffice to say, it was not a good time.
In those trying times, books 1 and 2 of the Dresden Files gave me some much-needed laughs. Book 3, Grave Peril, went a step further, making me actually care about the worldbuilding and the character, giving characters actual losses, and getting me emotionally invested in everyone. The rest of the series accompanied me though my hellish time in college, and while it was probably not the best coping mechanism, I'm thankful it was there. Anything to quiet down the screaming in my head a little.
Quote:
“I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.”
Part 1 of 7 |
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heyy! congrats on 1k xx could i get a candy for male!harry potter pls? preferably marauders era but either is good <33
my pronouns are she/her. i'm an enfp, a ravenclaw & a sagittarius w. a virgo moon. i'm 5''3 with an hourglass figure. my hair is curly auburn & my eyes are dark blue/green.
i would describe myself as observant, witty, empathetic & kind. i can be pretty sensitive which causes me to become defensive. i love meeting new people and i feel like i'm easy to get along with, although i can be outspoken about my opinions.
i like shopping, 60s and 80s rock music, old movies, going to cities, astrology, playing the guitar, and tarot readings. i like to go on spontaneous trips to towns & lakes, but i'm happy doing whatever.
i talk more than i listen although i love to ask people questions & get to know them. ideally i want a partner who's pretty talkative so that i feel as if it's equal. i'm a pretty hopeless romantic and my love language is quality time - i also like physical touch but i have to feel safe around the person.
hii thank you so much my dear!! <3 i would ship you with sirius black!
a gryffindor like himself with a ravenclaw like you might seem like an unlikely pair at first but i think you and sirius would vibe instantly because you're both pretty extroverted and easy to get along with, and especially since you're both talkative. he loves how easy and fun it is to talk to you! you're able to talk to each other or other people for hours on end, and his favorite thing is to have long conversations with you about anything you want! he tries his best to keep your sensitive nature in mind and even though sometimes he might forget to think before he speaks, he always makes sure that you know he's not trying to be mean in any way, he's just kinda impulsive with his words.
60s and 80s rock music and old movies are so his thing too, so he would absolutely adore that you have similar interests. maybe one time he takes you to an old muggle drive in movie or concert for a date! i think it's a common headcanon that sirius plays the guitar as well, so you like to teach each other new things or have a jam session whenever you can! you could teach him about astrology and tarot readings if he doesn't know anything about them, and as much as he wants to pay attention to what you're saying, he'd keep getting distracted by how pretty you are talking about things you love. honestly, sirius would think you're the prettiest girl he's even laid eyes on, and he wouldn't hesitate to tell you all the time.
spontaneous trips with sirius are a must! i can imagine him taking you out on his bike and the two of you just making a day out of exploring wherever you end up, shopping, walking around, going sightseeing—anything you want! his love language is also quality time, and he absolutely loves doing anything and everything with you! and he's also the same way you are about physical touch, but he warms up to you pretty quickly. sirius feels safe enough around you to let his guard down, and he only feels that way about a select amount of people.
i feel like you'd get along pretty well with the rest of the marauders too since you and sirius are quite similar! they would joke around saying "merlin's beard there's two of them 😧" but in reality they like you too and they love how happy you make their best mate.
kait's sweetest celebration!
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I was tagged by @luftnarp-writes-things for a tag game of "talk about the first 5-10 songs that come up on shuffle in your playlist" (paraphrased because i'm lazy), but I am going to take the opportunity to say that I........... am a guy who doesn't really "listen to music," in that I do not really do it as an activity or as background and I don't have a big overarching playlist on spotify or anything.
What I actually do is play lo-fi beats to write and relax to, play comedy music videos on youtube sometimes (i like Ninja Sex Party, the Stupendium and Danny Gonzalez), and listen to thrifted CDs (or recent ones my partner bought) in the car. Every once in a blue moon I will play a song or artist purposefully on spotify, usually because I head a word or phrase that made a song start playing in my head, and i need to listen to it to cleanse my brain. So like. Overall, I listen to music like. Maybe 1-3 hours a week a week. I KNOW THIS IS FREAK BEHAVIOR. Or like. It's not because everyone's subjective tastes are fine but I'm defensive because I've gotten side eyes about it. I'm sure someone is side-eyeing this post right now! I just kind of find music with lyrics to be understimulating on its own but overstimulating when paired with any other task besides driving (or washing dishes, but I only spend about 5 minutes on that a day now that I am not a professional dishwasher so it's not worth opening a new app.)
For lo-fi beats, I like Jazz Hop Cafe, because it has curated themed albums that last about 45-60 minutes and rarely have long voice samples in the tracks. I remember really liking the Midnight Drive album, but it's 2 years old now and I usually don't scroll down far enough to find it when I need background noise.
The last time I went to goodwill, I got 3 CDs, so I'll talk about them for a second as well.
Best of Simon and Garfunkel - Since I'm almost always in the car with Corv, it's very important to find something we both want to listen to. I don't really want to listen to their Fall Out Boy CD and they don't want to listen to the multiple Tori Amos CDs I've scrounged up. Fortunately we both fucking LOOOOOOVE a solid handful of Simon and Garfunkel songs, so they've been in charge of skipping the boring ones so we can listen to The Boxer 3 times in the same car trip.
The Best of Glenn Campbell - Yeah, I only got this one for Witicta Lineman, which I fucking looooooooove. I don't always listen to music, but when I do, I am a dad.
The Darkness - Permission to Land - As a general glam rock liker and 13 year old radio listener/VH1 watcher in 2003, "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" really hits me in the nostalgia and I'd like to actually listen to the album and get my take on it at some point, because it is kind of funny that there was one single throwback glam-rock song muscling its way to the front of the line before 80s stuff hit its over-extended 30 year nostalgia cycle that is only now getting outsted for Y2K nostalgia (which. hoo boy. IS confronting). And even if it's fully one-hit-wonder territory with an accompanying album of slush, it was still worth a dollar to have an artifact and a ripped mp3.
Anyway, @corvidcall you should talk about songs too.
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