#when i'm out and its dark it makes me think about being 17 and walking around in the dark
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Counting Steps (Vash the Stampede x Reader)
Summary: While traveling with Vash, you get a wound and decide to hide it from him.
A/N: Howdy! This is my first Trigun fic, please be nice hehe. This was originally written with Tri Stamp Vash in mind, but then it turned into me mixing him with 98 Vash, and so now we have this.
I'm considering making a little series about the reader and Vash because I am so whipped for this silly blonde man, the brain rot is insane. If that's something you'd be interested in lmk!
I hope you guys like it <3 ALSO this was cross-posted to my AO3
Warnings: Mild violence, mild blood/injury, fainting
Word Count: 2.5k
This was inspired by this quote from @creativepromptsforwriting: “When were you going to tell me you were bleeding? When you’re already dead?!”
98. 99. That’s another 100 steps. Start over.
You grit your teeth, clutching your side fiercely. Luckily, you are wearing black, so Vash hadn’t seen the sticky, dark stain appear. Your faithful traveling companion walks several paces ahead of you, leading the two of you to a nearby settlement. You couldn’t be that far away now, right? God, you hope not.
You lose your footing, stumbling briefly before catching yourself. White hot pain shoots through your abdomen, and you can’t stop the hiss that slides out between your teeth. Fortunately, Vash doesn’t seem to be able to hear it over the sounds of the wind. A bead of sweat rolls down your face, and you pause, allowing yourself to pant for a moment. Not for long, though. You have to keep moving.
Counting your steps in increments of 100 has been your method of keeping yourself focused. It was a simple task, something to devote all of yourself to for the time being. If you could keep going, one step at a time, you knew you could make it to the town.
17. 18. 19. That’s another 20.
Your mind wanders to the very situation that caused you to get an injury in the first place. What a mess today has been.
You have been traveling with the infamous Vash the Stampede for months at this point. Shootouts and run-ins with bandits and bounty hunters made for another Tuesday. Usually, that was no problem for you guys. You knew your way around a gun and could certainly hold your own, so what the fuck happened today?
30. 31. 32.
The two of you had stopped at a small plant you’d come across while traveling in the desert, thinking it was a good chance to take a breather. Little did you know, you were walking right into a stick-up, with a small group of bandits robbing a family that had stopped there as well. You and Vash stepped in quickly to help, easily incapacitating the bandits. Vash’s attention readily became focused on helping out the family, noticing that the oldest child had gotten a gash on the head.
Allowing Vash to handle the damage control inside, you had stepped back outside to catch your breath. You walked over to the side of the building, leaning against it and resting in the shadow it produced. Out of the corner of your eye, though, you saw movement. Apparently, there was another person involved that had slipped away. You sprung into action, running around the building to where you’d seen the figure disappear. After that, everything happened really fast.
The man was quick, and he lunged at you with startling speed. You were able to dodge the initial thrust of his knife towards your gut, but you didn’t sidestep fast enough, feeling the blade tear a gash into your side. The adrenaline in your system helped you to ignore the pain, and you whipped around, kicking the knife out of his hand and twisting his arm behind his back. Before he knew it, you had him pinned on the ground, arms pulled uncomfortably behind his back. Drawing your small revolver from its holster, you swiftly hit the back of his head with the grip, feeling his body go limp under you.
After he passed out, the tension left your body and you leaned back with a sigh. It was at this point that you started to feel the sharp, stinging pain radiating from your side. Glancing down with a wince, you moved your jacket aside, laying your eyes on the gash that had been so generously given to you by your friend here. Because you wore your jacket open, it looked like it had blown out of the way and been spared by the blade. So, at the very least, you wouldn’t be spending the evening sewing the jacket up. Your body was a different story, unfortunately.
It was a small, but deep, clean cut. It wasn’t anything worse than what you’ve had before. But, it would definitely need some stitches. You were almost positive you could patch this up with the first aid kit inside.
You released your jacket, heaving yourself off the ground with some effort, applying pressure to the wound. Once on your feet, you made your way back around front, finding the entrance to the small building.
Vash was crouched, chatting to the teary-eyed children, calming them down with a practiced ease that came from many years of experience around kids. He smiled at them, and said something that drew a giggle from the children. Their parents watched from nearby with grateful smiles, eventually pulling him into a conversation with them as well. A soft smile formed on your lips, as it often did when you saw him have these types of interactions.
Your pain brought you back down to reality though, and you grimaced. Your eyes scanned the room for the first aid kit, and you found it lying on a small table. You quietly walked over, and immediately grabbed some gauze to hold against the wound. You sifted through the contents, searching for the thread, knowing you definitely had some. It wasn’t until you remembered that one of the kids had gotten a cut to the head that you turned around, seeing the last of your thread stitched up in a wound already. Vash might be holding onto some more, but even if he were, it likely wouldn’t be enough.
Well. Shit.
You faced away from everyone again, trying to think of what to do. You were less than half a day’s walk from the next town. You didn’t have any supplies other than some gauze that would help. Telling Vash would worry him, and he’d definitely want to carry you the rest of the way, even though you knew his prosthetic had been causing him soreness recently.
You were just gonna have to suck it up and walk. You stuffed gauze into your pockets as discreetly as you could, before hearing your name called from behind you softly. You turned your head to the side, heart skipping a beat at seeing those gorgeous blue eyes gazing at you.
“Everything okay?” he asked quietly, concern creasing his brow. You wanted to reach out and smooth your fingers over it, not wanting him to worry about anything.
Instead, you gave him a convincing smile. “Yeah. I found another guy outside. We should probably tie him up with the others before leaving.” The person running the plant assured you both that they would be fine while they waited for authorities to arrive to take the men away. You made sure your body was angled to where he couldn’t see your bloody hand or the gauze.
He raised his eyebrows, surprised to have missed one, but ultimately nodded, letting you know he’d take care of it. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Mayfly. I’m getting sloppy!” he joked, and you’d giggled in reply, heart fluttering every time he called that. It was just friendly, of course. Because that’s all you were - friends.
That’s another 60 steps. Or was it 70?
You jam your eyes shut, breathing through the worsening pain. You sigh defeatedly. You ran out of gauze an hour ago. The bleeding has slowed, but not fully stopped. Not with all of the pulling from walking. At least the sun is starting to go down, giving you a break from this damned heat.
You look up, seeing Vash’s back ahead, his red coat blowing gently in the wind. The distance is getting greater between the two of you. You’re starting to regret not filling him in about your situation. After noticing your silence not long into the walk, he’d asked once more if everything was all right. You smiled, told him you were fine, and that you’d tell him later tonight. He accepted that begrudgingly, giving you a Look, but had ultimately given you space.
You stop walking, your breathing uneven and heavy. Your vision wasn’t quite right either… had you really lost that much blood? The chill settling into your bones screams ‘yes’ at you. Vash is getting too far away. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
You feel your body trembling, and you close your eyes, a dull ringing in your ears beginning. Your grip on the gauze pressed into your side is getting looser, but you’re starting to care less. It’s not like it’s working anyway.
You are startled out of your thoughts by the feeling of hands gripping your upper arms. You gasp, opening your eyes, struggling to get them to focus for a moment. Once they do, you see Vash in front of you. His mouth is moving, and he looks worried. Oh. They’re his hands, you note, glancing at his arms.
The ringing in your ears subsides enough that you can hear his voice again. He’s calling your name.
“…you okay? What’s wrong?” He asks, searching your eyes.
“Huh?” You manage eloquently.
He sighs, closing his eyes, but he doesn’t let go of you. “You’ll be the death of me, Mayfly. What’s wrong?” He asks. “I know you said you’d tell me later, and, well, it’s technically later now, so…” he trails off, but his words have an expectant tone to them. This doesn’t really seem to be something he wants to budge on.
Not that you’re planning on withholding what’s happening at this point. You are almost certain you’ll pass out here soon.
“Um…” you start, averting your gaze. Finally, he seems to notice the way you’re holding yourself. Specifically, the placement of your arm, tucked into your jacket. His expression shifts into something more knowing, and he seems to have caught on.
He gently reaches down to pull your hand away so he can take a look, but as he does so, your knees buckle and you start a hard fall to the sandy ground. You shut your eyes, waiting for the impact that never comes, as you are wrapped up in a pair of strong arms before falling very far.
You are slowly lowered the rest of the way, and find yourself resting against Vash’s chest on the ground. He’s muttering something under his breath, and you’re murmuring an apology. He pulls your jacket back, sucking in a sharp breath when he sees the bloodied gauze.
“When were you going to tell me you’re bleeding? Once you were already dead?!” He asks, and yeah, you probably deserve that. He’s peeling back the gauze gingerly, scrutinizing the wound, concern etched into his gorgeous face. He’s talking, likely scolding you, but that annoying ringing in your ears is back, so you can’t hear him. You should not be thinking about how pretty he looks right now, but your vision is turning black and you don’t really care anymore. His head turns to face you, his eyes widening. There’s something in his expression you can’t quite identify.
But everything feels heavy, and you are very tired. You slump into his chest, closing your eyes.
✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧
The next thing you know, you are lying in an uncomfortable bed, tucked into itchy, white sheets. You groan, taking in how dry your mouth is and how bad your side hurts.
Oh yeah.
You open your eyes, sitting up with a gasp. You blink hard to clear your vision, but curl into yourself as pain shoots through your abdomen. You feel a set of familiar hands take you by the shoulders.
“Woah! Take it easy! Just take a deep breath for me, okay?”
You feel one of the hands move from your shoulder to rub your back soothingly, and you look up. Those beautiful blue eyes meet yours, relief flooding his features. Vash murmurs your name with a relieved smile.
“There you are. Are you okay?” He asks softly, gently pushing you to lay back down. You put up no resistance.
“Yeah, just a bit sore,” you manage, glancing down to your wound. You move your hand to touch it, applying pressure experimentally, but he moves your hand away, holding onto it instead. Like a worried friend, you remind yourself. You take a moment to glance around the clinical-looking room, and think you already know the answer, but ask anyway. “Where are we?”
His thumb moves slowly across your knuckles, just like a friend would do. In a friendly way. “The local clinic. We weren’t very far out of town when you passed out. I just brought you here right away. That was last night.” His expression shifts from soft to scolding, and he runs his other hand through his blonde hair. “You nearly gave me a heart attack! Don’t do that again!”
You offer a small, apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Vash. We’d used the last of the thread for stitches on one of the children, and I thought I could tough it out.”
He stares at you, and you wilt a bit at his hurt expression. “Why wouldn’t you tell me though? We may not have been able to stitch you up right away, but I could have-“
“Carried me into town?” You finish, and he nods. You reach up, gingerly touching his prosthetic arm. His eyes widen slightly, not expecting your touch. “I know your arm has been bothering you lately, and I didn’t want to make it worse.”
His expression softens endearingly once more at your reasoning, the look he’s giving you making you fall in love with him all over again.
“Oh, Mayfly,” he murmurs, “let me decide what I can handle, okay? It wouldn’t have been so bad.”
You understand, but you also frown a bit at his words, raising an eyebrow at him. “But who looks after you? You have and would push yourself past every limit you have for the sake of someone else.”
He sighs, but doesn’t deny what you say, either. “How about we work on compromising a bit? We’ll look after each other, and make sure we aren’t pushing ourselves too hard.”
You try to level him with a stare, but end up relenting with a sigh and a smile. “Fine.”
He smiles back at you, mirroring your tone. “Fine.”
There’s a beat of silence, and it seems like something comes to his mind at that moment. His smile becomes something more like a smirk, and you regard him suspiciously.
“What,” you deadpan, somewhat dreading whatever he has to say.
He props his elbows on your bed, resting his chin on his hands, leaning forward.
“Nothing! I’m just flattered,” he replies, and you really, really don’t like the mischievous glint in his eyes.
“By…?” You ask, narrowing your eyes.
“I didn’t know you thought I was pretty.”
You scoff, rolling your eyes. Of course you do. But you’d never just say that.
“Yeah, right.”
“No really! You said so yourself! Remember? Something like, ‘I should not be thinking about how pretty you look-’”
You choke, blushing furiously. Oh my god. Right before you passed out. You must’ve accidentally said that out loud, delirious.
“I-I did not!” You sputter back, but you know it’s futile. He’s laughing too hard. You hate it, but even now, as he is laughing at you, you can’t help but love the sound of it. You’d do just about anything to keep him laughing and smiling like this.
He pokes your cheek, his laugh dying down. “For the record, I think you’re pretty too. ‘Specially when you’re blushing like this.”
Holy. Shit.
Never mind. You wish you had bled out.
#trigun#trigun stampede#trigun 98#vash the stampede x reader#vash the stampede#vash x reader#vash x you#i love this man#peachy writes!
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Finally decided to do a TVD rewatch now that the 'verse is complete. Since I know how everything ends I thought it would be interesting to see how I react with that knowledge. Curious if my feelings might change about characters, ships, storylines etc. (obviously I am fully aware there's going some bias).
Adding my thoughts after I complete the half-way mark of each season (there is simply too many episodes to do a recap of each one). I am talking to the void mostly here but feel free to leave comments, thoughts on my posts for those who still follow me or just find this post. However, I am not here to argue, I simply DO NOT CARE whatever you think is right totally, please leave me alone.
Recaps tagged with k rewatches tvd
S1 Episodes 1-11
I am loving the dark atmosphere of the first season, feeling so much nostalgia! Nice to go back in time to when vampires were scary on this show. That's not really criticism because every supernatural show goes through this. The big bad must always be upped as it goes on but it was nice when the stakes were lower and the mythos was being developed.
Damon makes me feel so uncomfortable so far... I know he was the 'villian' for most of the beginning of the season but his treatment of Vicki and Caroline is just so predatory and gross. Which brings me to...
WHY HAS NO ONE GIVEN CAROLINE A GOD DAMN VERVAIN NECKLACE ALREADY!!! Stefan and Elena both know Damon was using her (and they know damn well he hasn't stopped). Her Mom has the vervain to give her and just has not for no reason!! GET AWAY FROM HER ALREADY! I got so mad when Damon was compelling her AGAIN in the 10th episode. I'm so glad she outlives them all, justice for my baby!
I'm sorry but Stefan is so creepy and self-righteous in the beginning, I remembered this but did not remember how bad it was. Also he did not need to kill Vicki, that pissed me off. I don't think it did as much when I first watch this (mind you that was literally 14+ years ago) but just knowing how freely everyone neck-snaps around here it was bullshit. His one cool moment remains when he told Logan he can't walk in the sun. The manipulative way he used Elena’s adoption to get her to forgive him had me rolling my eyes (then of course she used it against Jenna to get out of trouble lol).
I can't remember who the other vampire is who turned Logan, I'm thinking its Pearl's henchman but yeah I don't remember that part. I also didn't remember the crystal so I like that some of this is like a 'mystery' again.
I did remember that I thought Tyler was such a dick in the first season and yeah confirmed. Though now I remembered his Dad was an abusive piece of shit. Still, fuck Tyler for now.
Alaric looks so different I don't hate him (yet).
I still hate Matt #bias
The progression of Bonnie realizing her powers has been well done, again nice to just see the simple magic again. (Stefan totally wanted to bang Sheila back in the day... maybe they did)
Jeremy just met Anna and I still love them, I wish they got more time. They were the only 'ship I like in this season when it first aired.
The Bonnie, Elena and Caroline friendship is nice but I am annoyed they haven't done more to protect Caro from Damon. Especially when she doesn't know what's going on and they do (though Bonnie only just got all the deets). This might be magnified by my love of Caroline I admit but I hate the prop-y way she's being used so far.
I kinda rolled my eyes at the whole Katherine/Damon/Stefan stuff before Elena knew they were vamps because OMG Stefan is 17(!!!) Does no one thinks it's weird he's like "it was a long time ago" A LONG TIME AGO LIKE WHEN YOU WERE 12?! They should have made him at least 20, just bothers me.
I liked that not every vampire had a daylight ring and it was more of a novelty. That is something that could have stuck more in the later seasons.
Lines that made me laugh:
Caroline: Yeah, Elena wasn't so lucky today. It's only because you missed summer camp. God, I don't know how you're ever going to learn the routines. (Bonnie offers to help her) I guess we can put her in the back. (all right in front of Elena lmao oh Caroline never change)
Caroline: So, Elena...how long do you think this fight with Stefan's gonna last? Is it...like a permanent thing? (eyes on the prize baby! lol)
Stefan: (imitating Damon) Now that the secret society of vampire haters is off our back, I can go back to my routine of how can I destroy Stefan’s life this week. (never gets old!)
Damon: *shoots Logan with wooden bullets* Payback's a bitch, isn't it? (all in the delivery here lmao kudos to Ian)
#tvd rewatch#tvd spoilers#S1 rewatch#1x1 - 1x11#not gonna tag characters yet#I feel I'd just be setting myself up for discourse I don't want#maybe I will later we'll see how it goes#we'll also see how long I keep up with this lol#I had time this week not always the case#'twas fun so far!#k rewatches tvd
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I played Your Last Day on Earth, and timed each section for 1 minute before moving on. Here's the final result.
~~~~~
12:00. I woke up, and looked out through my window. Seeing the city so empty never feels right. It's even more of a corpse than those things, sometimes. It's... creepy. But in a dreadful kind of way.
~~~~~
13:00. A flock of birds is blocking the sun right now. I'm glad there's still some life out here. I haven't seen anything alive that wasn't me since before it happened. Maybe it isn't so bad.
~~~~~
14:00. I found a photo of the city in a backpack I found while scavenging through the pharmacy. It's recent, but instead of dreadful it's... almost peaceful. Like the stress of daily life had vanished, instead of far greater stress replacing it. I don't know why, but I put it in my pocket.
~~~~~
15:00. There's music playing outside the store I'm in. Sounds like a poor quality speaker, or a siren, almost. I hear laughter getting closer to it. I need to hide.
~~~~~
16:00. I was breaking into an old house when I heard barking. There was a dog there. How it stayed alive this long, I don't know. I'm glad I'm not the only one out here, though.
~~~~~
17:00. Finally found some food in that motel. When I was looking around, the sky went completely dark for half an hour, pitch black. Terrified me. It feels like whatever caused this isn't natural.
~~~~~
18:00. I'm a dumbass. The electricity went off today, and I never charged any backups. Total loss of information or direction. The only thing I have is a crusty old map so I can't leave the city now.
~~~~~
19:00. There's a storm coming. Like, a huge storm. I would think it's a natural disaster, but something this size would've been forecast before the apocalypse, right? I need shelter. This convenience store around the corner might be a good idea.
~~~~~
20:00. I wonder if this is the last sunset I'll ever see. It's depressing to think about it, but I don't think I have long left. I've not been feeling great, and the laughter is something I hear too often now. This might really be it.
~~~~~
21:00. I smell something strong. Like iron. Strong enough to lead me to the source. I found a horde of them, in the street. Smiles on their faces. Laughter. I pray to whatever God is left that they didn't see me.
~~~~~
22:00. There was a fire in the hotel I was sleeping in. I don't know why, but I got really angry. I didn't think I was strong enough, but I kicked down the fire escape door. I had boarded up the main entrance.
~~~~~
23:00. I keep thinking about the day this happened. I don't know how, but it's like someone removed all of the details. I can only remember the screams. The laughter. I've been forgetting other stuff, too.
~~~~~
00:00. I'm outside, sitting at a campfire I built. The wind keeps blowing and putting the flame out. I wish I paid attention in... did I do boy scouts?
~~~~~
01:00. I'm not fucking alone. One of them is outside, laughing. I'm being quiet but it won't FUCKING LEAVE. This house is on the outskirts of the city. I keep hearing it knocking.
~~~~~
02:00. It's silent now. I don't believe it's gone. That basta
WINDOW BROK
~~~~~
03:00. There was an earthquake, or something. That thing broke its neck. Good riddance. I think I broke my foot, walking doesn't feel right anymore. I feel awful, still. No surprise.
~~~~~
04:00. There was a loud splatting sound. When I went to check what it was, it seemed like somebody jumped off a building. They looked crushed, but they still had a FUCKING SMILE. I can't take this anymore. I don't understand what makes them so happy.
~~~~~
05:00. There was something in the air. Spores, I think. I think I breathed them in. My lungs hurt. It's getting harder to breathe.
~~~~~
06:00. My last sunrise. It's so beautiful. I want to be hopeful, but I keep coughing up blood. I don't feel good anymor
~~~~~
07:00. I think I saw someone. A normal person. I tried to get their attention, but I keep coughing. They ran, I think. The blood on my hand is pitch black.
~~~~~
08:00. Rain. I don't care about getting sick, now. This journal is already covered in my blood. It's so hard to breathe. The rain is calming, but what's happening to me?
~~~~~
09:00. I found another journal. It seems like it ended about a few hours before I found it. I just sat down and read it. It brought a smile to my face, for some reason.
~~~~~
10:00. I felt somethig in my stomac, not normal. It hurts. I keep laughing. Iron scent
~~~~~
11:00. Need ea t, hung r. am st arving cant stop smileing help me help me rotting
~~~~~
12:00. sky dark a m laughin g ha h h a t chy where is everyon ?
#journaling#indie ttrpg#writeblr#creative writing#unreality#my writing#writers#writing#short story#short stories#writerblr#writers of tumblr#writeblr community
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For the wrapped ask: 16, 17, 18, 28, 29, 30 (sorry I'm greedy) <3
all excellent questions, and thank you very much for being curious enough to ask <3
16: What’s your most common “additional tags” tag?
Ooh, interesting. in no particular order, I think Developing Relationship was used pretty often, along with Introspection, Set in a Previous Simulation (for that one fandom specifically, of course), and, uh… Masturbation. :D
17: Your favourite character to write this year?
Hanno Tauber, always. but my single foray into Midnight Mass fic made Father Paul a very close second <3
18: The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?
Riley Flynn from my fic …in vitam aeternam, mostly because of the situation he was in, and because his experiences are so incredibly specific that I found them difficult to cover. that’s not to say it wasn’t fun, though, the dialogue cadence was easy and enjoyable! and I got to read a lot of Catholic stuff to prepare for it.
28: Favourite work you wrote this year?
This feels like a… difficult one to answer. :( I’m going to say… a tie between The Old Witch and the Good Man (The Quarry, Travis & Laura) and cave-in (Dark, Jonas/Noah). I love them for wildly different reasons—for the former, it’s because of the fun I had writing a time loop fic with unconventional formatting, and for the latter, it’s creating the emotional catharsis that I wanted these two to have at that time in their lives.
29: Favourite line/passage you wrote this year?
Hmm. you know, I keep coming back to this, from staring and a-shakin’ like a leaf (1899, Ramiro/Ángel):
Ángel choked a noise that might have been ‘quiero’ or ‘Ramiro’, and it didn’t matter which he said, or whether he had truly said anything intelligible in any language; he could speak and he could walk and he was not lying dead somewhere in a shadowed corner of Prometheus with pieces of his hand splattered across his own face, broken bits of flesh and bone glued to his skin by a hot spray of blood from a sidearm that shouldn’t have been on Prometheus in the first place, its wielder snarling righteous bloody fury and prepared to mete out divine justice at any cost, too focused on a dangling slab of meat to see the snarling wolf behind it; the same look Ramiro had seen on Tove’s face, judging him for passing his own judgement, for making an impossible call that was really not all that impossible to make when the only other option was to watch the rest of Ángel splinter and spray across the wall.
there was just something really fun about delivering a very important piece of backstory in one incredibly long run-on sentence. :)
30: Biggest surprise while writing this year?
I don’t know if I can say that anything truly caught me by surprise, but I did learn lots of neat HTML tricks that I was able to use to spice up some fics with unconventional formatting. so I’d say that was very fun. :’)
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I don't really know if I've read this somewhere of if I just thought about it but here it goes.
• • •
Regulus lying in the water ready to accept death soon finds himself swimming back to the surface knowing his brother will think he died serving the dark lord.
Kretchur is gone.. was he under long enough for he to think he died?
That's not what's important, he needs to explain everything to Sirius, Remus, lily,James.... especially James.
As he got out he needed to know where they were. He couldn't go to Dumbledore not again after he asked him for help..
He was so deep in thought he didn't notice he was still wet, and no one around him seemed to notice as he walked in plan sight.
He went to his brother's flat, he could hear screaming and throwing... sounded like sirius heard some bad news, maybe one of his friends died in the war. For marlin sake he hopes that wasn't the case.
Being to frantic he didn't realize he went threw the door instead of opening it, as he entered he can see almost everything is destroyed... he followed the sounds of his brother to find Lupin is now calming sirius down, sirius was sobbing. Yet Regulus couldn't make out what was being said so he slowly approached, Lupin looked up from holding sirius staring in the direction regulus was but didn't say a thing, almost like he didn't see him.
" how could they" , "he was still in school" , " he did everything they asked" he heard threw sobs. He tried asking who he was talking about but found nothing came out but water.. still it didn't get a reaction from the 2 infront of him.
He tried touching them to get their attention, nothing.
He left not able to take the pretending he wasn't there. Even when Lupin clearly saw him walk in... or did he.
He managed to find the potters resistance, it was actually easy to find considering he was under the impression he needed a secret code to get to them.
As he arrives he could hear James crying. He rushed in to see a red face James being held by a clearly pregnant lily.
Kneeling infront of James holding his hand, he looked at lily for answers to who died, still nothing.
"Reggie... how... why..." were the only words Potter was able to say between sobs.
Was it him he was talking to or was he talking about him. His cold wet hands still holding on the the hands of the sobbing James.
Then he heard lily speak. " they could still find him, I know Reggie has been gone awhile b..." she was cut off as James stood. Regulus had fallen back by surprise. They couldn't see him could they?
"He's dead and you know it, they probably found out, they probably killed him themselves and covered it up" James horse voice spoke.
Regulus stood up, he was right there and they were talking about him , Regulus Black, as if he were dead. How could that be he was right there. " Jamie..." he finally got out " I'm right here, can't you see me."
Nothing
James continued to grow mad as he was still crying trying to accept the death of his best friends brother, his first love, his soul mate. Regulus tried everything he could to show himself.
The more he tried the more he realized he was like a ghost, no he is a ghost stuck at 17, he died in that cave, lily is pregnant probably about the burst any moment, she wasn't a few weeks ago.
Wait
Regulus started looking for the date, anything to know how long he was gone. He left the room the 2 were grieving to find out how long he was there.
May 30th, 1980
That's not right its supposed to be 1979 and it was definitely not may, was it?
He started spiraling, he went to everyone he knew to find someone who can see him. Even if that ment confronting dumbledore.
Dumbledore being his last option he went to hogwarts, school seemed empty, of course it was he was there at midnight. Looking everywhere he finally went to Dumbledore office.
There stood Dumbledore at his desk. He looks at the young black brother. Or at least in his direction regulus thought no one else has been able to see me so why could he.
" I see the rumor is true."
Was he talking to himself?
Regulus walked closer and slowly zigzagged to see if it was him the headmaster was watching.
It was, he could see him, but how?
" it seems Mr black you have died. A very wet death may I say" he said in a calm voice
How could he be so calm? A dead student is right infront of him. A dead student who begged him for help , who shouldn't even be here despite how desperate he was to be seen, to be heard.
"You..." Regulus started " you can see me?"
"Of course, it's not impossible to see the dead"
Regulus hated this, the only person who could see him was the one who wouldn't help. Even though he new this he still tried.
"Please protect them, James, sirius.."
Dumbledore moved around his desk " there's nothing I can do if something were to happen, the Potters are under a protection spell already"
" Move them, tell them Pettigrew..." he was cut off
" any information you give me won't be useful, it has no evidence, no reliable sources "
" I'm right here telling you!!, check his arm he has the mark!"
" so do you I'm afraid you can't be trusted my dear boy"
" I was a spy and you know that"
Dumbledore looks at his peninsula then back at the boy " for which side tho, you weren't necessarily fully helpful"
Regulus couldn't take it , he tried throwing things, hitting the man but yet again nothing happened. Dumbledore went over to the peninsula to remove the memory of their conversations right infront of him.
He tried to stop it but he seemed to have no effect on the world.
For awhile he kept trying to get threw to someone. But after awhile he kinda just watched. He watched his best friend pandora have a beautiful baby girl and Jamie have a boy who was the spinning image of him but of course with lily's eyes.
He'd notice for a little the young ones saw him so he'd play with them, he watched over them.
Then it happened, Pandora died, then the potters died. He couldn't do anything, he tried and felt to helpless.
He watched his brother get wrongfully accused, he watched as Pettigrew ran off. He watched as snape came and cry holding lily. He watched them take Harry away. What else could he do?
He noticed lily and James crossed over quickly, he didn't even get to see them.
That's when he realized, why was he stuck there? Why couldn't he cross over with the rest?
He went back to the cave to try and cross over. He layed in the water.
Ever so often he'd try again, he was bound to the water.
Then he thought he saw James and tried grabbing him. Asking him to help.
Why didn't he recognize him? Why wouldn't he help?
It was harry all grown up. And he, regulus black, had almost took him down with him.
So regulus accepted his fate to stay there forever in that cave to be alone because all he can do now is cause harm and pain to others and why would dumbledore ever help him after he let him die, let James Potter die, let Lily Evans die even with his warning.
#regulus black#marauders era#the marauders era#the marauders#harry potter#harry potter marauders#james x regulus#r.a.b#regulus arcturus black#regulus deserved better#Dumbledore is the bad guy#Dumbledore hate
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The Grey Wolves Series: Prince of Wolves
A review
I would like to preface this review with the fact that when I first read this series in highschool, I hyperfixated on it for several months. I was 15. I still believed myself to be cishet. Quite a bit has changed since then.......and now that I think about that was 9 years ago. Fucking hell.
This series is. Not good. I dont know much about Quinn Loftis' life (tho she did follow me on Twitter when I still had twitter) but from what I could gather is that shes a stay at home mom and very Christian. Not so Christian that she was anti Harry Potter. Im likely going to keep a twilight and Harry Potter reference counter as I reread this series.
This review will likely be a bit disjointed. I have never written a second draft for anything in my life and I dont plan to start now. This is mostly for fun and I likely have adhd and struggle to articulate my thoughts so. Fuck it.
From what I remember of this series there is. A lot going on. The first couple of books follow Jacquelyn and Fane. The next couple focus on one of Jacquelyn's best friends, Jen, and her love interest, Decebel. The next two on their third friend Sally and her love interest Colin. I'm actually pretty interested to see how much I actually remember of these books. All 3 girls are very much the stereotypical YA novel protagonist.
Unfortunately this series frequently uses the word g*psy for one of its supernatural types. As I wouldnt class these characters as Romani, I will be referring to them as "healers" after their initial introduction as I dont want to have to constantly type out g*psy and they ARE healers. (As far as I can remember, Sally is not Romani (and yes, spoiler alert, Sally is a healer), tho she IS one of the few, if not the only POC in this series. So....not great, Quinn).
I'll likely only review the first 6 or 7 books (I don't remember how many of them I got through exactly but definitely the first 6), tho according to Google there are now EIGHTEEN books in this series. I know she also had a spin off series about healers (I think I read part of the first book of that series). But holy shit. 18. Thats a lot of fuckin books for there being almost no fandom when the series was still at 10 books. She may not be a great writer but shes got passion and drive I'll give her that. And that's not even counting the spin off series. Of which there are 5 books. Or the 4 unrelated series she did before Grey Wolves. Goddamn shes been busy.
Im writing all of this BEFORE rereading the first book. But some reviews give a first impression which i cannot do as I read these books for the first time almost a decade ago. Also I kinda wanna see if I can summarize the books before I read them to see how much I remember, cuz again, this is for fun and testing my memory has always been fun for me (I used to be able to recite the entire plot of the 39 clues series from memory and I would do so often).
SO
Book One. Prince of Wolves.
Jacquelyn *last name redacted as I cant remember it* is a 17 (almost 18) year old girl about to go into her senior year of highschool. She lives in a small town in Texas with her single mom. Her dad walked out before she was born (or slightly after) and she doesn't know much about him. Her mom is *quirky*. She has two best friends named Jen and Sally. Jen is loud and vulgar and sarcastic while Sally is quiet and shy.
The neighbors across the street from Jacque are going to be hosting a foreign exchange student from romania this year. Jacque finds herself instantly drawn to this tall foreign boy with dark hair and "piercing blue eyes" and after making eye contact with him, begins to hear a voice in her head that she is SURE is his voice despite having never heard him talk before. Spoiler alert: she is correct!
The begin communicating through this psychic connection frequently. He teaches her how to shut him out so he's not hearing her every thought. He informs her that she is a werewolf!!! Or at the very least, half werewolf!!! They are True Mates™️, which is why they are able to communicate telepathically!!!
She goes into her yard to sun bathe and Fane gets Big Mad™️ as her True Mate™️ markings are on display which is a Big No No for werewolves. She doesn't know what the fuck hes talking about. She goes inside to discover what appears to be a tattoo on her (....side? I think? Perhaps on her back).
Jacque has MANY sleepovers at her house with jen and Sally to talk to them about all of these developments.
She eventually tells her mom and discovers!!! Her dad is a werewolf!!! But her mom is not so she and him couldn't have been True Mates™️ and its slightly hinted that he left because he found his True Mate™️ so even though he loved her, he could not stay away from his mate.
Jacque starts having dead animals left outside her house. At first she thinks its Fane doing a weird wolfy courting thing and gets understandably upset by this. Fane confirms that while it IS a wolfy courting thing, HE is not the culprit!
Apparently there is a pack in the area!!! And one of the wolves in this pack is interested in Jacquelyn!!! And Fane is intruding on their territory!!! And the alpha of the pack (a man in his mid to late 20s) is challenging Fane for his mate!!! The challenge is to the death!!! But don't worry!!! Fane is calling in his parents and their pack to help him handle this situation and keep Jacquelyn safe if he loses!!!
At this point they inform the family that fane is living with about what is going on. They are surprisingly chill about the whole thing. Even with having several of Fane's pack members stay with them. Theyre Very Cool People.
We meet Fane's parents. Vasile and Mina (I actually did look up Vasile's name as I kept wanting to call him Vlad and I knew THAT wasn't right)
#man its been almost a year since i decided i wanted to reread and review this series and then wrote this out#i still haven't actually started rereading the first book yet lol#might do that soon#have this for now#we'll see if my executives start functioning
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In Noctem Part 17
Not A Great Start,
"Arthur! Look who's here!" Molly called out, waving her husband over. Fae saw Arthur as he stepped through the crowd, making his way over to his wife. His eyes widen in surprise when he saw Fae. "Fae?"
"Hey, Mr. Weasley!" Fae smiled.
"Fae!" Arthur smiled, giving Fae a big hug almost crushing her. "When I heard that you quit the Ministry, I thought that something terrible had happened. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Dumbledore offered me a job to teach at Hogwarts. So, I decided to take it for the time being." She told him.
"That's great to hear. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and talk to the Grangers." Arthur said and walked away, heading towards Hermione's parents, talking with them. It was then that Fae had noticed that Harry, Ron and his siblings and Hermione had disappeared. She scanned the crowd and saw them near the entrance to the bookshop, along with Draco Malfoy. This can't be good. She started to make her way towards them, pushing and shoving through the crowd.
"Bet you love that, didn't you, Potter? Famous Harry Potter, can't even go to a bookshop without making the front page." Draco sneered at Harry. Harry narrowed his eyes at him, silently glaring at Draco. Ginny stepped up, getting in between them.
"Leave him alone."
"Oh look, Potter. You've got yourself a girlfriend." Draco snickered. A long cane tapped Draco on his shoulder, stopping him. Draco tensed up and so did everyone else as they saw a man with long platinum blond hair dressed in dark robes.
"Now, now, Draco, play nicely." Draco's father pushed him swiftly aside. He fixed his gaze on Harry. "Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy, we meet at least." He reached his hand out towards Harry and Harry slowly shook his. Harry was pulled closer, and Lucius pulled back Harry's hair away from his forehead, revealing his lightning bolt scar. "Forgive me your scar is legend as of course is the wizard who gave it to you." Harry stepped away from him.
"Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murder."
"You must be very brave to mention his name or very foolish." Lucius Malfoy smiled.
"Fear the name only increases fear within itself." Hermione said.
"And you must be, Ms. Granger. Yes, Draco has told me all about you and your parents. Muggles, aren't they?" He smirked, looking over towards Hermione's parents who were still talking to Mr. Weasley. Hermione narrowed her eyes at him, saying nothing.
"What's going on here?" Everyone turned and saw Fae, standing behind the group, making her way towards Lucius. Lucius eyes widen as soon as he saw her and smirked.
"Ah, Miss Craft. I didn't think I would see you again with you suddenly dropping your job from the Ministry. Why is that?"
"Dumbledore offered me a job to teach at Hogwarts so I took it. Who wouldn't jump at the chance?" Fae answered, keeping her eyes on him. Lucius nodded then turned his attention towards Ron and Fred and George.
"Let me see, red hair, vacant expression, tatty secondhand book. You must be the Weasleys."
Arthur walked over to the group. "Children, its mad in here. Let's go outside." He turned towards Lucius and the two stared each other down.
"Arthur."
"Lucius."
"Your time here at the Ministry, Arthur, all those extra raids. I do hope they pay you overtime. But judging by the state of this, I'd say not." Lucius smirked. "I'll see you soon, being a disgrace to the name of wizard, if they don't even pay you well for it."
"We have a very different idea what disgraces of wizard, Malfoy." Arthur told him.
"Clearly. Associated with Muggles and I thought your family could sink no lower." Lucius frowned. "I'll see you at work." He left the shop and Draco sneered back at Harry and followed after his father.
"See you at school."
Fae had arrived back at Hogwarts and started to sort through her belongings, unpacking them. She used some altering spells to transform some of the walls giving it a more rustic gothic appearance. The shades dimmed the moonlight as it shined through, giving it a greener lighting. Fae smiled and walked over to Dipper and her owl's cages, unlocking them so they can roam around.
"I'm heading out. You two better stay out of trouble when I'm gone. No fighting." She placed some food down for them, separating the bowls far apart from each other. She placed one on the floor and the other on a nearby table for her owl. Her two pets happily ate as she left, heading to the Great Hall.
As Fae arrived, she noticed that several of the professors were already seated as well as the students as it almost time for the sorting ceremony for the new first years arriving to Hogwarts. Fae walked over, heading towards the teachers table and took a seat next to Severus.
"Hello." Fae smiled.
"Miss Craft." Snape answered her. Fae's eyes scanned the crowd of students, noticing that two were missing.
"Can you guess who is not here?" Fae asked Severus.
"Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley. I already know." Snape answered.
"Should we go look for them?" Fae asked, concerned. "I wonder what happened."
"After the ceremony we'll scout the castle to find them." Severus told her. Fae nodded and Dumbledore proceeded with the sorting ceremony and started the feast. Several owls flew through the windows passing out mail and a newspaper landing in front of Fae, beside Severus. He took it and started to read the paper and his hands crinkled the side of the paper tightly. His jaw tightened.
Fae noticed and moved closer to see what was wrong. Her eyes widen at the headlines as she read it "Several muggles saw a flying car flying over London." She noticed the car immediately as Arthur's seeing him drive it a few times back at the ministry. But he wouldn't be this reckless.
After dinner was over, the prefects began to lead the students back to their dormitories. The professors began to head back to their rooms while several others started to do their nightly rounds, patrolling the castle. Severus and Fae started to head down the stairs to start at the castle grounds when they heard footsteps and voices approaching.
"Maybe if we're lucky, Snape left this year because he couldn't get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job again." Ron said.
"Or maybe he got sick." Harry spoke.
"Or he might have been sacked!" Ron said enthusiastically. "I mean, everyone hates him."
"Or he's waiting to hear why two didn't arrive on the school train." Snape's cold voice spoke. Harry and Ron froze as they saw Snape and Fae in front of them. "Follow me." He smiled. Harry and Ron only knew that this meant that they were in deep trouble. Fae quietly gestured them to follow her, and Snape lead them down to the dungeons to his office. Snape sat down in front of his desk. Fae walked over, leaning against the wall as she watched Snape yell at the two boys. He scolded and lectured them as he waved the newspaper in front of Harry and Ron.
"You were seen by no less than seven muggles. Do you have any idea how serious this is!? You have risked the exposer of our world. Not to mention the damage you did on a whomping willow that's been on the grounds since before you were born."
"Honestly, professor, I think it did more damage to us." Ron interrupted.
"Silence!" Snape snapped. "I assure you, had you both been in Slytherin, and your fate rested with me, the both of you would be sent back on the train back home, tonight, as it is."
"They are not." Everyone saw Dumbledore and McGonagall step into the office.
"Professor Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall." Harry said, surprised but also relieved to see them. Snape got up and stood beside Ron and Harry.
"Headmaster, these boys have flouted the decree for the restriction of underage wizardry, as such." He spoke.
"I know of our by-laws Severus, having written a few of them myself. However, as head of Gryffindor house, it is for Professor McGonagall to determine the appropriate action." Dumbledore answered.
"We'll get our belongings then." Everyone heard Ron spoke.
"What do you mean, Mr. Weasley?" Minerva asked him.
"You're going to expel us, aren't you?" Ron asked. Harry nodded, quietly with him.
"Not today, Mr. Weasley." McGonagall told the two. Harry and Ron's eyes widen in shock and the two smiled. "But I must unpressed the seriousness that the both of you have done. I will be writing to your families tonight and the two of you will receive detention."
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Forging Ties - Chapter 17 - Part 2
*Warning Adult Content*
So everybody was leaving, then and nobody had asked Skye, 'hey Skye, would you like to go on a ship?'
He looked at each of them in turn.
Everett was too busy with his electronic device to notice and he had to lean himself back to look Hamish in the eye but even then none of them asked Skye if he wanted to go on a ship.
The robot brought Skye his chicken and Skye ignored everyone as he devoured it.
Nobody ever invited him places, like onto ships.
He just went places other people were and sometimes they didn't object, like how he'd gone with Slone last night and then come back with him to the room afterwards.
That was the only way to get what he wanted.
If he wanted to go on a ship, he would have to make it happen on his own.
That night, when it got dark and everyone else headed back to the inn to eat dinner and talk about their ship journey, Skye went and retrieved the rest of his stuff from where he had stashed it away in a nook on a rooftop.
It was mostly food.
He would need it for the long journey ahead.
Skye walked along the dock and crept aboard the ship, though he was pretty sure nobody was on board.
He found the hatch that led below deck conveniently unlocked and open and climbed down.
He turned and found himself face to face with a very large, black cat.
A panther, he was pretty sure, though he didn't remember why he knew what a panther was.
"I didn't consider that they might hire a large cat to guard their ship," Skye told it.
"Hello."
The panther offered a dip of its head in acknowledgement.
"You know, Miriam says I have silly little cat teeth," Skye said. "So, we're the same. You should be on my side."
The panther turned and started making its way down the narrow corridor in the opposite direction.
Skye followed.
It stopped outside the door at the end of the corridor and looked at him expectantly.
Skye opened the door. A storeroom. Perfect.
Skye turned, considered the panther for a long moment and then reached out a hand to touch one of its furry ears.
His fingers passed right through it.
Skye often touched people and things he wasn't supposed to but he had never been so thoroughly thwarted.
Are you a ghost?" Skye asked. "It's okay if you're a ghost. A fact about ghosts is that they can't report me for being a stowaway. I think..."
He walked into the storeroom and looked around.
It was a mess, which was perfect.
He could move a few things around, make himself a little nest in the back and nobody would know he was there.
"Are you my mother?" Skye asked as he got to work rearranging the storeroom.
"You're a cat. I'm a cat. Maybe, sort of..."
The panther offered a very deliberate shake of its head.
"Yeah, I didn't think so. Do you ever feel like you miss somebody but you don't remember who?"
Skye found a stack of old, empty sacks and dragged them into his nook to make a nest out of.
"Maybe that's just a me thing. I guess most people would just remember anyone they cared about enough to miss."
The next time he turned around, the panther was gone.
That was the nature of ghosts, Skye supposed.
He wondered if Sera knew her ship was haunted.
********
As Hamish helped Mirriam haul things out to the ship the next morning, he kept an eye out for Skye.
He hadn't been at dinner last night and Hamish hadn't seen him since.
"You haven't seen Skye around, have you?" Hamish asked Miriam as they got the last few things loaded up.
"I wanted to say goodbye before we left."
"I was hoping to check in with him as well but I haven't seen him," Mirriam said.
"That's how he is, though. Unconventional and independent. He doesn't normally spend as much time around other people as he has been with the three of you, so he probably just needed a break."
"I hope so."
"I wouldn't worry about him. He triggers my maternal instincts sometimes and he'll let you fuss over him when he feels like it but he's proven to me time and time again that he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself."
"He may be cute but he's shown me he's competent as well, so I'm not too worried. It's just a shame not to get to say goodbye."
"I'll pass on your goodbyes after I get back from this trip."
As the three man crew consisting of Sera, Everett and the robot got to work preparing to set sail, Hamish found Duran at the front of the ship, looking out over the water.
He wore a peaceful smile and the morning sun bathed both the ocean and his hair with a shimmering glow.
Hamish pressed a kiss against the side of his face as he stepped up next to him.
"Excited?"
Duran nodded.
"I've never sailed before. I suppose that's hardly a surprise when there are so many other things I've never done before but this still feels special."
"I've never done it either. Not on a ship, anyway. A canoe on a lake isn't quite the same experience."
Duran laughed.
"Well, it's something. I wouldn't mind doing that too, some day. I can get too much inside my own head sometimes but I don't want to take any of this for granted or let the joy of life be drowned out by its darker moments."
"We'll find a lake when we get back. Go fishing or something. I like travel, adventure but sometimes a quiet day on the water is nice too."
"I'm starting to feel more comfortable with it," Duran said. "The thought of going back, I mean. When we left, I felt like I had so many emotions bunched up inside of me that nobody would ever understand. But now... I don't know. I think I'm starting to realise that things take time and that's okay. It's okay if not everyone understands me right away. It's okay to take time to get to know people, to get to know myself. It's just... okay."
"It is," Hamish said. "I promise."
Duran rested his head against Hamish's shoulder.
"Thank you. When we left, I felt like I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to escape. You have to understand that as much as I loved Fanner and Danya, my relationship with them was inherently stressful. In the world we were raised in, love is painful. I've never had the experience of just sharing life with other people. For the first time in my life, having friends is just... nice. I hope Slone is eavesdropping because this goes for him, too."
"Always," Slone called out from somewhere else on the ship and Duran laughed.
"It keeps getting better, you know," Hamish said. "There are bad days too but healing takes time and you've only just begun. It gets so much better."
Duran smiled and looked back out at the ocean as the ship took its first lurch forward away from the dock.
"I look forward to it."
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coming out
Hey weirdos! I’m not sure what to call the people who actually read my blog. Tonight is a dozey for me and to say the least I won't be posting it on facebook. I came out as pan-sexual to a friend this afternoon. Tonight I came out to a group of strangers. Tonight I am coming out to certain corners of the internet. My walk has been a hard one and there was one thing that I should never repeat like I did my good friend of mine. Which might have been a mistake I am not sure. However the story i have chosen tonight is the story about Lewis. I won't use his last name but yeah maybe some of you know the story. I was 15 when I met Lewis. I was in a dark place to say the least had no hope no future I just wanted to die. He started tutoring me and I just kind of tried it for a while. Next thing you know I was 17 living with him he had become my boss my sponsor I started out as a sex addict. My tutor and my best friend. He was doing something called grooming. I know you might not know what that is. Its when you slowly make someone more comfortable around them sexually. Like it started out with him coming into the bathroom. While i was peeing and saying hey that's a nice ****. It progressed from there. I know some of you may be like why is he saying this only on his public blog? Well because I guess what I want others to know that's why I want people to look up the Trevor project. Facebook had a lot of people who stopped being my friend for different reasons but maybe because they did not agree with my bible verses oh that decision. I want kids to know that there are people out there who care and know how to talk to kids like I was. A Kid who would spend most of his life running from certain times in his life. Never growing up from that boy who was abused by his older brother. Not sexually but physically mentally and verbally. Life is hard sometimes but there is help. God cares about you. He really does, whatever God might mean for you. If you struggle with addiction then Go to AA or NA. If you struggle with mental illness Go to NAMI. If you want a spiritual life and want true joy and a happy life. Go to a church and give this whole Jesus a chance. Again I just told the world that I am pan-sexual. I’m talking about the God of the bible which says that homo sexuality is wrong. I don’t know all the answers but I know he still loves me and accepted me when I asked him in my heart all those years ago. Repentance is a journey. I am not dead so I can grow and learn about the universe and my views might change. Not sure whoever, whenever, wherever, she or he or maybe in between is. I just know I am going to fall in love again and again with the same soul. My soul mate. That means more to me than you will ever know. I Have hope today because of Her. anyway i know i'm not making any sense so I shut up. Just know right now at this moment I'm happy. Just being me. Staying clean and sober no matter what. I can fall asleep tonight knowing tomorrow is going to be even better than today and so on and so forth. Good night weirdos. Think that's what I'll call you from now on.
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There's a lot of emphasis put on age around me and sometimes it frustrates me.
I'm 18 but I'm still 7 in everyone's eyes. I'm 7 in their eyes but I'm 18 and I should be 50. I try to be 50 but instead I feel like a null, devoid of any real label or substance. I try to be 7 because that's how everyone sees me as anyway and it's the most comfortable. I'm happy but I'm not.
I work in childcare, which I'm absolutely qualified for, but parents see me there and feel uncomfortable since I'm young. They don't like me being there. My older coworkers tell me I'm not allowed to talk to parents because of this.
I'm 18 but I'm not. I'm still 7 because I don't pay the bills to live here. I'm 18 but my money isn't mine, it mostly goes to my mom. I'm 18 but I've never felt 18. I've never felt 17. Or 16, 15- or any of them. I'm grown but I have so many more years to live. My life could end at any moment. This could be the year. Or it could be one of dozens and dozens of years. I'm 18 but I feel like I own nothing. I'm in control of nothing. I'm here but I'm not. I'm playing a game with rules made by everyone around me.
I'm told that adult life is unforgiving. That it'll get harder. That I'm not ready. That I'm too naive and clueless and, yeah, probably.
But I'm picking my poisons and that's IT. There's control that should come with it. Breathing room that comes with it. Something that I can DO, that I can have and keep and know that it's mine because I did it without anyone being involved. That it's inherently mine.
I'm told my generation will ruin the world. There's emphasis on generations around me. I get weirded out reactions when I say I don't have Instagram or Tiktok or Snapchat, like it's expected of me to have them. I'm told I'm lying but I'm not. I'm told my generation is too sensitive. That we're "special snowflakes". I'm told and told and spoken at but never spoken TO. I'm a child so I know nothing. I'm legally an adult and I should automatically know everything. I'm a child and have no experience in anything and therefore I can't talk about anything. My opinions are automatically wrong. I'm a child and should always listen to everything everyone older than me says. I'm ungrateful for thinking otherwise. Disrespectful. I'm never right. I'm always wrong. They're never wrong. Because they're adults and they know better.
I'm an adult now but it means nothing. I'm still a child and it doesn't matter. It doesn't get better. It doesn't change with the years. It's still the same. I wake up, I go to school/work, I get home, walk on eggshells with the family, listen to any and all comments that irk me and just TAKE it, make dinner, clean clean clean, and then spend hours during nights where I'm supposed to be sleeping to just BREATHE. To do what I like to do, because it's the only time I can do it. Because everyone's asleep and nobody will judge me. Nobody's there but everyone's there. They're asleep and its just me and my sketchbook and phone.
The house is my world. The house isn't a home.
I'm tired all the time. I feel sluggish. My eyes are either burning or heavy. But I can't sacrifice my nights because those are my NIGHTS. They're important to me because they're the only thing that's mine. The times where I'm not under someone's eyes, where I can relax and draw or talk happily with friends and not have to worry about prying eyes and listening ears because I'm finally home and the house is dark and quiet and a little lonely but its still something. Everyone is quiet but I'm not, and it's amazing.
But it goes the other way.
Adults always know what they're supposed to be doing. They're old and they should be independent and live suffocating lives working day in and day out. They shouldn't rely on anyone. They should stifle their issues. They're not allowed to be genuinely friendly with anyone under a certain age gap because suddenly it's heinous and awful. They can't casually talk with a child who might be lonely because suddenly it's sinful and they're trying stuff.
Adults can't be reliant on someone. Even if they're just slightly reliant then suddenly they're a baby who can't do anything. They have to be sturdy rocks. They have to move out of their parents' homes or else they're mocked. They can't flirt or be silly because that doesn't seem right. They can't be goofy or like cartoons and animation. They're all money focused. They're stoic. They're busy bees, constantly working and buzzing.
And I think about this a lot because... Why?
I don't think we'll ever figure it out. Not completely. We could get a hang of life. Fall into a rhythm. But figure it out? No.
These ideas have always disgusted me because yeah, there can be people genuinely like that, but that doesn't mean EVERYONE is.
I'm an adult but I'm still a child because I hold onto a lot of my goofiness. I like cartoons. I like to draw. I'm hyper. I'm 7 to my family but they want me to be 50. There's a void to those labels for me because I don't know how they're supposed to act. Everyone is an individual in my eyes but my family groups them together to make sense of them. It's frustrating.
Nobody can just EXIST.
#Vent#Vent post#Venting#I'm just#There's a lot here#I got kicked out last night and then begged to come back because my mom still needs me to do things for her#Its always the same things#I hate it here#Im gonna miss it.#There's a lot#Everything's a mess I think#But it gets better#It'll always get better#I think.
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Everything Weird About Deltarune!
Spoiler Warning for Undertale and Both Chapters of Deltarune! Really! I Literally Go Through Everything I Can Remember About Them!
This is a long post so get comfortable. Also note that my brain doesn't process thoughts into words very well so some of these might not be worded in the best way. :)
Deltarune. The first teaser chapter was released on October 31, 2018, and it came out of nowhere. We've all gone through this, but I'll try and go through every single painstaking detail I can remember. Feel free to reblog and add/correct things.
The weirdness begins right off the bat. The title is an anagram of UNDERTALE. We all know Toby likes to use anagrams when he wants to indirectly tell us when things are related, so it's no surprise that when you go to download DELTARUNE, it warns you that the game is designed for people who have played UNDERTALE. You think, "Cool, so it's a sequel? Or maybe a prequel? A different perspective of UNDERTALE perhaps?" You were wrong; so terribly, terribly wrong! I'll elaborate on this later.
Before you download the application, the terms of service that you must agree to beforehand reads simply and plainly, "You accept everything that will happen from now on." This detail was kinda brushed off in the beginning, because, hey, it's Toby Fox. He does weird stuff all the time. But even in the first chapter, it's apparent that the concept of choice, or more accurately, the lack of it, is a very present theme in the game. I would like to remind you that Toby has announced that there will be one ending in the game. One. I'll elaborate on this later.
The program (as in, what the game is called in your files) is named SURVEY PROGRAM. Why not just call it Deltarune like it is when you download chapter two?
The game launches you, without a title screen, without any setting adjustment options, straight into a reference to the theme of the entire franchise: the lack of choice. A strange formless voice guides you through "making a vessel", with what we know now as a fountain in the background. You have the option to make some very disturbing choices in this character creator, such as making its favorite flavor "pain" or expressing your feelings about it with options such as "fear" and "disgust." You name your "creation," tell the formless voice your name (which is different from your vessel's name) and watch as said formless voice muses over your name at an agonizing pace. It thanks you for your time and tells you that your wonderful creation, (cue music cutout and background removal) will now be discarded. "No one can choose who they are in this world." The screen slowly turns white as the voice says, "Your... name... is..."
It gets weirder. The next scene appears from the whiteness and showcases Toriel calling "Kris" out of bed. Kris' area of the room is very bare in contrast to the other side, which we later discover is Asriel's.
It's Toriel. Why is Toriel here?
Kris is kind of an anagram of Frisk (the protagonist of UNDERTALE) but without the F. I highly doubt this is a coincidence.
Speaking with Noelle is the only reason you can proceed (see what i did there?) while finding a partner in the classroom. This means you can't go through the 1st chapter without knowing who she is. Is it because of the Snowgrave route?
Ralsei is just suspicious to me. There's no way he was just waiting in that castle his whole life alone without some mental toil. So either he's insane or he wasn't alone the whole time. What happened? Is it related to how he can close his eyes and see what Susie is going through when she's apart from the party? Was he just watching everything? Is he related to the formless voice?
Susie's icon is the only one without color in the Dark World.
Jevil's fight is more difficult than Sans'.
Your actions have little consequence in the first chapter. If you choose to go genocide, the only difference in the ending is being run out of the kingdom, and this doesn't carry over to the next chapter. Again, lack of choice, people.
If at the end of chapter one, you walk around town, it's mentioned (notably by Noelle) that you're usually not this talkative. If you go to the hospital and speak with the receptionist, they mention that you used to play the piano in the corner. If you decide to attempt to play the said piano, an out-of-key bash can be heard and the receptionist comments on how you used to play beautifully. If you try this in chapter two, the result is the same. All this is confirmation that Kris is acting noticeably weird.
When you leave the Dark World and walk around town, you can find Sans. He "pretends" to recognize you, and if you tell him you recognize him, he tells you it's funny, considering that you two have never met before. He winks. I'm pretty sure he knows that the player is there.
The mention of Papyrus in both games, but the purposeful lack of him. Like he's avoiding you.
If you go upstairs while inside Asgore's flower shop, there are flowers in glass cases resembling his SOUL collection in UNDERTALE. There's a red flower.
You can't enter the church.
The clock in the storage closet shows a different time than all the others in the school.
If you go all the way south in town and into the woods, the music stops and you come across a rusty, double door is in a hill covered in crass. It's locked. If you go this way in chapter two, however, you watch a cutscene where you and susie happen to find Monster Kid from UNDERTALE (or someone resembling them) and an owl kid in front of the door. The owl kid is pressuring Monster Kid to (presumably) break inside, telling them that they don't want to be a wimp like Kris. Does this imply that Kris is connected to this strange door somehow?
The ending. You know what I'm talking about.
Did Kris actually rip out the SOUL (I say "the" because I'm not entirely sure it's Kris') and knife because they wanted to eat the pie? Did they only eat the pie because Toriel caught them?
Why did they look at the player? Are they sick of being controlled? Is that why they freaked out after the Spamton fight? (later)
Anyway, now we're at chapter two.
DELTARUNE Chapter Two was released on September 17th, 2021. 17. Entry Number 17. Sound familiar?
Asriel's part of the room is different from the last chapter. I don't think this means anything sinister, but I think it means Kris notices different things about the room as the story progresses. My theory is that it will become more sinister in each chapter.
Ralsei getting super excited to see Susie and Kris after a day. As in he has separation anxiety and it breaks my heart. not anything suspicious but it makes me sad so it's on the list.
Kris and Susie's rooms. Ralsei REALLY doesn't want them to leave. Seriously get this boy a therapist. Or a stuffed animal. SOMETHING.
Kris having to gather everything from the storage closet so that people appear in the Dark World????? Why??????????????? They had to do the same thing for the computer lab too.
The golden door. I don't trust it.
How/why the heck did Noelle and Berdley go into the Computer Lab Dark World? I don't see either of them just walking into pulsing void doors without Susie.
Apparently the knight has been gone for a bit and can corrupt people's minds? The king in the first chapter doesn't seem like he can be redeemed but Queen just seems,,, not bad, but a little crazy. I wonder what happened.
Then again, name ONE person in this franchise without trauma.
Spamton.
Horror doesn't bother me. Spamton? Spamton bothers me.
SPAMTON. ENOUGH SAID.
A Kromer is a type of hat invented in the '70s. Nobody named Mike is associated with it, that I can find.
SPAMPTON. HOW DO I EVEN DESCRIBE IT.
HIS SONG IS THE ONLY ONE WITH WORDS.
The way he asks Kris is they want to be a heart on a chain their whole life. Like, dude, no wonder they were screaming after the fight.
WHERE DID THE YELLOW HEART COME FROM. YELLOW MEANS JUSTICE. WHY DOES JUSTICE APPLY.
Kris screaming after the fight and the player not being able to hear it. Don't you dare tell me that's just how the game is designed. There are sound effects characters make throughout the game. None that I can think of apply to Kris, apart from when they rip their soul out.
Ralsei brushing off the Spamton fight. Either that's his coping mechanism or he was trying to shut Susie and Kris up to protect them from... something. I'll touch on that in a minute.
According to Queen, DETERMINATION is a key factor in creating a fountain.
Also according to Queen, Kris, Noelle, and Susie all have DETERMINATION SOULS.
Ralsei freaking out about Berdley making a fountain implies that he may also have DETERMINATION. Why I'm bringing all this up will make sense soon.
How was Noelle able to cast Snowgrave... a spell that she, according to her, didn't know?
The Snowgrave route is so twisted.
You manipulate Noelle into killing Berdley and then, when you get back to the computer lab and investigate his corpse, the text box says that he doesn't seem to be awake. As if you're in denial?
Burgerpants recognizes you. Not Kris. As in the player.
The ending. I don't think I need to describe it. Kris is very methodical without the SOUL. (I say "the" because, again, I'm not 100% convinced it's theirs.) I'm saying this about how they left clues that someone broke into the This proves that they are NOT a mindless, vengeful husk.
HOW DID THEY MAKE THE FOUNTAIN WITHOUT THE SOUL INSIDE OF THEM. DID THEY FEED THE SOUL TO IT AFTERWARDS? IS THAT WHAT THAT WAS?
Another point I would like to make is my theory that Ralsei knows much more than he would have us believe. I might put this into a different post because I have yet to gather my points into a coherent bullet point list, so keep an eye out for that.
Anyway apart from Toriel and Susie being VERY heavy sleepers, I think I've gone through everything. I have a few theories.
1. Kris is possessed by the player and figured out that they could make a fountain from Queen and related to Spamton freaking out about freedom. They then decided to make a fountain going by the logic that "this would tick the player off." This is one of my top theories that assumes that the SOUL is theirs.
And 2. Kris is possessed by both the player and the knight. I think the formless voice at the very beginning of the game is the knight, and they somehow needed the player to possess someone with DETERMINATION. If so, then why Kris? We know from Queen that Noelle and Susie, and maybe even Berdley also have DETERMINATION. The most plausible thing I can think of is the fact that human souls are stronger than monster ones.
I do think that the popular theory (about the one that suggests that the Dark Word is nothing but a figment of a child's imagination, and the events that occur in said Dark World are simply children playing with toys) has been thoroughly dashed due to Berdley's murder in the genocide route of the second chapter. Unless he's not dead. Regardless, how the events (or lack thereof) that occur in the second chapter play through the next will be interesting, especially considering Toby's announcement about how there will be one ending to the game. So either Berdley isn't dead, or he will be.
Aaaand I think that's it! Sorry for the long post; let me know your thoughts and if I missed anything!
#deltarune#deltarune chapter 2#deltarune theory#deltarune theories#deltarune chapter two theory#deltarune chapter two theories#snowgrave#pipis route#deltarune snowgrave#video games#indie game#deltarune spoilers#ralsei#kris#susie#undertale#sans
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Then I Won't Have To Say You Were The One That Got Away
ITS PART 2 TIME BABYYY
pt. 2 to that one ben fic i wrote a few days ago
Dear Ol' Reggie (dammit, why couldn't he have kicked the bucket in this timeline too?) had booted you, along with the Umbrella-Academy-Minus-Ben out of the house. Luckily, Allison heard this fantastic rumor about a nice motel having a few open rooms for free, as well as free room service thrown into the mix.
You got stuck with Klaus. Which, you weren't complaining that much, you were used to his bullshit, but he was a constant reminder of what you had lost, which consequently was residing, alive, a few blocks away.
The living boy who didn't remember you at all.
"Okay, Mopey McMoperson, what's the deal." Klaus glanced over at you.
" 's nothing."
"It's Ben, isn't it?" you looked away. "Oh, my god, I'm right! It is!"
"Shut up, Klaus!"
"Sorry, sorry..." he trailed off, taking a breath. "You know, he, um, talked about you a lot. When he was dead. It was always 'Can we go see Y/N?' and 'How's Y/N?' and 'Hey look it's Y/N, can we go say hi?'...It got kind of annoying, actually. For 17 years, you were the only thing he ever talked about." You smiled softly at Klaus' attempt to make you feel better.
"He...he doesn't remember me."
"That's not our Ben, silly girl. Don't worry, we'll figure this out." He smiled gently at you, and you couldn't help but think that you liked him more when he was sober. "Now, let's go to sleep. I call the bed next to the window!"
You laughed, the mood lightened by Klaus' exclamation.
***
Click. Click click.
The door creaked open and you shot up, peering through the darkness. The intruder sat itself on the edge of your bed. "Hey," it whispered.
"Diego?" You glared at him, and he giggled softly. "Don't do that, asshole. You scared me."
"Well, what else was I supposed to do? The door was locked."
"I dunno, Di, there's this cool thing called knocking. You should try it sometime." You could hear him roll his eyes, even in the dark.
"Shut up."
You sighed softly. Before Ben had died, you started to befriend Diego. After Ben died, your bond with the knife thrower grew. "What's wrong, Diego?"
"I just...this whole Ben thing, and...I was thinking..." he trailed off.
"What?"
"What if Mom's not there either? What if Dad didn't see a need for some robot nanny?"
"Well, it's not like we got a good look around the place. Reggie boy kicked us out." Klaus piped in.
Diego sighed. "Klaus, go back to sleep."
"All I'm saying is, you got nothing to worry about, big bro. Everything will work out in the end."
"Yeah. Yeah you're right..." he sighed. "I'm gonna go to bed now."
"Night, Diego." You and Klaus called.
**1 week later**
You had rented out a small apartment, finding a more permanent place to stay...for the time being.
You had turned to go to sleep in your (unfamiliar) bed, when there was a quiet knock on the window.
You walked closer cautiously, pulling the curtains aside.
You peered out into the darkness, to find...
Ben?
He smiled awkwardly at you, waving. You blinked in shock, trying not to cry as you tugged the window open.
He clambered in, closing the window behind him. "H-hey, Y/N."
"Ben? How did you- I thought-"
Ben grimaced, wincing. "Yeah, I'm...I'm sorry."
"You said you didn't know me."
"You don't look the same! Y/N, you died when we were 16!"
You blinked, and he slapped a hand over his mouth. "Y/N, I..."
"Ben Hargreeves, don't even speak to me of 'looking the same'. You just...you left! When we were kids! And I had to hear from your druggie brother that you had died!" Ben's eyes widened.
"I- I'm sorry, I-" you stuttered.
"No, I'm sorry." Ben cupped your cheek. "I am so sorry."
You furrowed your brows. "Ben, I-" you were cut off when he captured your lips in a kiss. You kissed him back softly, and he grinned before pulling away, setting his forehead against yours.
"Ben, you gotta get rid of the rat-stache."
"W-what?!" he cried indignantly. "It makes me look cool!"
"It makes you look like you're going through a depressed emo phase."
He scoffed, glaring playfully at you, before bursting into giggles.
●○●○
thanks for reading 😌 ily
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「 17 」
pairing: yunho x reader
warning(s): none (i think...)
genre: fluff
premise: yunho and reader celebrate their 6 year anniversary
[ y/n ]
6 years. 6 years of tears, pain, love, happiness, you name it. i wouldn't trade it for the world.
"we're almost there." something he's been saying for the past 10 minutes.
"yunho, i dressed up all cute and now you taking me on a road trip." he simply just laughs lightly.
"i mean it this time."
it's mine and yunho's 6 year anniversary and he refuses to tell me where he's taking us. we spent the whole day just being together, enjoying each other's company until he dragged me to the room so i could wash up and get ready. he never said what for so im excited but he's been driving now for a good 20 minutes so i've gotten impatient.
"play with this remote or something." he hands me an old remote that was for lord knows what.
"what am i? 5?" he can hear the unamused tone in my voice. good.
"okay well we're here." he pulls up at a very dark place. i don't know if this is where he kills me or something but i'm scared. "you trust me right?"
"yeah."
"great, so come with me then."
he gets out of the car and walks over to my side, opening the door for me.
"well aren't you a gentleman."
"i try."
we walk hand in hand for about a minute before reaching the cutest place i've ever seen. it's lit up with the colour chaging fairy lights in pinks and purples making the place look magical.
"yunho." i call him and be smiles at me making me smile back because his smile is just so contagious. "you did this?"
"yeah, i had help but i planned all of this for you. for us."
theres a table setup for two under a mosquito net because it's been quite humid these days. i absolutely love every little detail of this whole setup.
"come on." he leads us to the table and mingi and san walk out decked out in tuxedoes. they place a wine bottle and two glasses down and we thank them before they disappear.
yunho opens the wine, pouring a glass for both of us.
"i love you so much, you don't understand." he confesses as if it's his first time telling me all this.
"i love you too."
"happy anniversary baby." we clink our glasses before taking a sip.
very softly, in the background, i hear one of my all time favorite songs.
"can i have this dance?" i ask him, offering my hand out to him.
"i thought you'd never ask." he takes my hand and we walk out.
he wraps his arms around my waist while i wrap mine around his neck and we sway from side to side to the song.
"i would need a million words if i tried to define all the things you mean to me."
looking up at him amd seeing the huge smile on his face knowing im the cause of it brings so much joy to my heart.
we've laughed together, cried together, fought each other, all of it. all of those things together. i wouldn't trade it for anything. he brings me so much joy, it's hard to even try to explain.
" 'cause love is born when hearts collide."
"do you remember how we met? the most embarrassing part of my life to be honest." i whisper and he lets out a breathy laugh.
"how could i forget that? you straight up speared the shelf when you noticed i saw you staring at me like a creep. i just had to get to know you after that." i burry my face in his chest at the embarrassing memory. february 22nd 2016. we were both 17.
i think that's why i love the song so much. even though none of the lyrics say anything about meeting at 17, it still applies to our relationship so much because of how our relationship even started.
"well be dancing the same groove when we're 92 the same as 17."
"its hard to even fathom how far we've come." he comments, his chest vibrating with every word he says.
"6 years."
"and many others." he leans in and attaches his lips with mine and i kiss him back. its short but there was still so much emotion put in from both of us.
"i wanna love you till i'm old." i tell him and he smiles even wider.
"awww are you proposing?" he teases
"maybe, maybe not."
"i love you so so much, its insane." his words still give me butterflies even all these years later.
"i love you too yunho."
#jeong yunho#yunho x reader#yunho scenarios#yunho soft hours#yunho imagines#yunho fluff#ateez#atz#ateez scenarios#ateez fluff#ateez imagines#ateez soft hours
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For Rowaelin Month day 17
“A sick day”
CW- PTSD, mentions of violence
Aelin considered herself a fortunate person.
She has survived genocide, her family's murders, losing loved ones, slavery, torture, and the Great War. Now she is a queen, a mother, a beloved Mate.
Her life had changed since those bleak days where she'd wondered if she would ever escape captivity—the days when Aelin didn't know if she would ever be free or find love again. Every morning she woke up curled into Rowan's side, and while she drank her morning tea, Aelin could count on her young daughter snuggling into her lap.
Yes, she was swamped most days, but that was normal for a queen. But even the moments between boring meetings brimmed with life and laughter. Rowan's hand on her thigh beneath the table. Fenrys' theatrics when conversation spiraled off-topic. And even the hardened lords thought it was hilarious when their three-year-old princess barged into councils and demanded her mother's attention.
Her family gathered for dinners at the end of every day. Aelin's little family, Fenrys, Emrys, and Malakai were the regular attendees. Aedion, Lysandra, Elide, and Lorcan joined when they were present. It was a time reserved for family only, and it was by far Aelin's favorite part of the day.
Aelin had a good life now. Her family was growing, and her country thrived beneath her rule.
So it always took her by surprise when a bad day came.
She had woken up fine. Delly had slammed open the chamber door with a gust of wind and squirmed herself between her and Rowan in the early morning. Usually, Aelin treasured the moments when her daughter joined them, but being pregnant again had taken a toll on her sleep.
Rowan tried to stop their child before she entirely collapsed onto Aelin but was a moment too slow. Delly flopped onto her mother's chest in a disarray of wrinkled nightgown and golden curls. Soft sobs were sputtering out of the tiny figure.
I'm sorry. Rowan whispered into her thoughts. He knew how hard pregnancy was on her and took his mate's comfort very seriously. It troubled him that their toddling daughter woke Aelin so abruptly.
Aelin blinks the sleep from her eyes and sends him a happy smile to assure him everything is fine.
"What's wrong, Dell?" Aelin soothes a hand up her baby's quaking form.
Adelia sniffles harder, unable to talk through the tears. She'd started to have bad dreams in recent weeks, but never had she been so inconsolable.
Aelin shifts as Adelia's arms tighten uncomfortably around her bump. Rowan sees her discomfort and reaches around to pull Dell to him instead, but it is met with resistance.
"No," Adelia finally wails. "Mama. I want Mama."
Rowan frowns. Adelia was a daddy's girl to the bone, and this was the first time she'd ever refused to go to him. Their daughter squeezes harder and burrows her face into Aelin's torso.
"Dell," Rowan leans next to her and whispers, a cool breeze brushing against her flushed cheek. "What's wrong little love?"
Adelia lifts her head, and Aelin's heart contracts painfully. Her cheeks are red and swollen from the intensity of her crying, little sobs still stumbling from her chest as Rowan settles her down enough to speak.
"Mama was gone. She was hurt, and she couldn't see me." Dell sniffles, her green eyes glassy. "Can you see me, Mama?"
Aelin tugs her daughter in closer, unable to stand the sight of her so sad. "Yes, of course, I can. I'm right here."
"You were in a box. She wouldn't let me see you," Adelia whimpers in a small voice. "She told me she was gonna keep you. I don't want you to go, Mama."
Aelin's face blanches. It wasn't possible. Her little baby couldn't possibly have seen what was coming to her mind. She looks at Rowan, and his face is pinched with worry.
"It's not real, Dell." Rowan uses a thumb to wipe the tears off her cheek.
Adelia flinches. "Uncle Ress told me it was. He told me Mama had got stollen and put into a box by the bad lady and that she should have stayed there."
Aelin's heart stops. Nausea crawls up her throat, and Rowan tugs Adelia away just in time for her to crawl out of bed and gag into a potted plant. The sickness grips Aelin, the shudders in her arms only growing worse with her daughter's mumbled cries.
"Daddy, I want Mama to stay here." Rowan hushes her and murmurs quiet reassurances. "Don't let her get stollen."
Ress had said that? In front of her daughter? Aelin tries to close her eyes against the visions creeping into her mind. The places her scars used to be ache, and her hands pulse with the remembered pain of reconstruction.
The baby in her womb squirms under its mother's stress, and Aelin throws up again.
She should have stayed there.
Cairn brings the hammer down onto her frail knees, the ringing of cracking bone splits the air.
She should have stayed there.
Aelin opens her eyes to endless darkness. Sweet smoke wafts through invisible holes and sends her to sleep- leaving her mind vulnerable to Maeve's manipulations.
She should have stayed there.
More and more memories swarm behind her eyelids until a pair of grounding arms wrap around her shoulders.
"Fireheart, you are home. You are safe. Can you breathe with me?" Rowan sighs loudly behind her shoulder, and Aelin tries to force her own breath out.
Breathing in is harder, but Rowan's scent fills her nose and loosens the binds on her lungs. Soon, Aelin is doing the exercises independently, and Rowan nuzzles his face into her neck. His hands snake under her bump and lift some of the pressure, easing more of her tension.
"There you are," Rowan kisses her cheek as Aelin comes back around. "Are you okay?"
Aelin shakes her head and sinks into his arms. "Can you take me back to bed?"
Her legs feel like jelly, and her stomach is weak from turning. Rowan lifts her with ease. His arms are warm, and he murmurs sweet nothings into her ear as he carries his mate back to their bed.
"Adelia?" Aelin looks around for their daughter.
Rowan pulls back the duvet and reveals the sleepy from nestled right into the middle of the pillows. "She fell back asleep quickly."
"I can't believe Ress told her those things," Aelin can feel a tear slipping down her face. Ress had never forgiven her for her days as Celaena. Darrow had grown to accept her, but Ress never warmed up to having Aelin as his queen despite her efforts.
She hadn't realized the extent his hatred went.
Rowan scowls as he lays Aelin down next to their daughter. "Ress is young and foolish. I have forgiven a lot of his hostility and ignored most of his juvenile antics, but Aelin, I can't forgive this."
"He should never have said those things to Dell." Ress's words linger in her head. She tried to do right by her title and live up to her parent's legacy. Aelin took a lot of pride in listening to the demands of her people and tending to their problems personally. But the odds of Ress being the only one to feel this way are slim. Did they wish she'd never returned? Was she arrogant to take the crown just because it was her inheritance? She'd never had the formal training as ruler and relied a lot on Rowan to help manage foreign affairs. Despite the loss of her fire, many still feared her and considered her a murderer. No matter how hard she tried, Aelin's history as Adarlan's Assassin proceeded her.
Tears burn Aelin's eyes, and Rowan's scowl deepens. "He should have never spoken of you like that at all."
Aelin shakes her head, "It's his right to think what he wants. Maybe he has a point."
"No." Rowan growls, and Dell flinches in her sleep. Taking a deep breath, Rowan softens his voice. "He's wrong, Aelin. Ress was wrong to scare Dell, and he has no right to demean everything you've sacrificed. You've suffered for your people."
"I closed the lock because I had to Rowan," Aelin argues. "That doesn't automatically make me a good queen. What if I'm failing?"
Rowan pulls their duvet up to Aelin's chin, and Dell instinctively snuggles to her mother's side. Her daughter was a leach for warmth, and Aelin could feel her remaining flames writhing in her veins agitated.
"You are a wonderful ruler, Fireheart." Rowan bends down and kisses her lips reverently. "I've met my fair share of emperors, kings, and queens. None of them have given up so much to better the lives of their people. They care for you in return."
Rowan steps away from the bed, and Aelin makes a displeased noise. "Where are you going so early in the morning."
"I'm awake now. I feel like a flight through Oakwald. Go to sleep, and when you wake up, I'll bring my females breakfast," Rowan pulls on a plain white tunic. "Sleep, love. You both need your rest."
Rowan can read her too well. Aelin can feel her eyes drooping despite how much she wants to deny it. "Very well, but there better be tea and pastries."
As Aelin drifts back to sleep, she swears that a mischievous smile passes across her mate's face.
~~~
"Aelin," Maeve twirls a lock of blonde hair in her fingers. "Where are the keys?"
Cairn twists the blade in her thigh again, and Aelin screams, "screw yourself."
Aelin writhes beneath the pain and the dark queen's gaze. Her torturer goes to twist the blade again, but Maeve holds up a hand. "Wait. There is a smarter way to go about this."
"I won't tell you anything," Aelin gasps, the blood seeping from her thigh pools onto the table. "There is nothing you can do."
"Not even to spare the princess?" Maeve smiles as the cell door opens. Connall walks into the room, a squirming girl in his arms.
"Let me go," the girl screams, and the air in the room turns frigid. Her blonde hair whips around as she twists and fights. The little girl's head turns, and she freezes when she catches sight of Aelin. "Mama?"
"Adelia?" Aelin asks, confused. "You can't be here. You aren't supposed to be here." With renewed energy, Aelin thrashes against her bonds and bares her teeth at Maeve.
Maeve takes Adelia from Connall and strokes her hair. "Such a pretty one."
"This isn't real," Aelin hisses. "I wasn't pregnant when you took me. Adelia was born in Terresan."
Maeve hums a sympathetic note, "It seems you're confused." Aelin fights as the dark queen sits with a frozen Adelia in her lap. "Begin again, Cairn."
A hot iron is lain against Aelin's neck, and Adelia's screams rattle the stone chamber.
~~~
Aelin wakes with a gasp. Her chest is seizing in uncontrollable fits, and little hands cup the sides of her face.
"Mama?" Adelia's concerned face hovers over Aelin's. "Why are you crying?"
Relief washes over her at the sight of her daughter, safe and sound. She tries to take deeper breaths, but her body fights against her. The baby in her womb squirms uncomfortably. Aelin feels guilt that they are so subject to her moods. She tries to open her mouth to speak, consol her frightened daughter, but Aelin can't get any words out.
"Daddy!" Dell screams, frightened tears gathering in the corner of her eyes.
Rowan bursts through the door, "Dell?"
Adelia sniffles and kisses Aelin's face sadly, "Daddy, what's wrong with Mama?"
Aelin grabs at her chest, trying to ease the tightness there. She was scaring her daughter. What kind of mother would do that? Rowan sits beside her, and a cool wind goes up her nose and fills her lungs.
"Fireheart," Rowan lifts Adelia and sits beside her. "Is this a sick day?"
It was the code they'd come up with for the days when the past came back to haunt them. When the turmoil in their mind forces their bodies to rebel, and they can't seem to put on their usual facades. It used to shame Aelin, the days she couldn't rise from bed and do her duty. But her mate's unwavering love soon cracked that lie and eased her burden. Rowan had convincing arguments. Aelin's people needed their queen at her best, and on sick days, she wasn't able to give that to them. Their court was strong. They wouldn't allow Terresan to fall while she recovered. Aelin deserved time to heal.
Rowan must have been able to tell that she wouldn't be able to settle herself this time as his winds continued their push and pull in her chest. "Yes," she rasps dejectedly.
Dell buries her face into Rowan's shoulder. Her mate rests a hand on the side of her face and soothes her cheek. "To whatever end, Aelin. We will get through this just as we do everything else."
Rowan kisses the side of Dell's face. "Little love, do you think you can go to the kitchens and have someone bring Mama tea?"
That fae instinct to fuss rears its head in their child. Adelia perks up at the opportunity to do something useful. "Yes!"
Rowan sets her on the floor, and she takes off in a blur of untamed hair and swishing skirts. They wince as a gust of wind slams the doors of their chambers against the wall.
"She's a handful," Rowan talks, aware of the soothing effect his voice has on her. "But we always knew our children would be. I can't wait to see what kind of chaos our son brings into our lives."
Aelin wraps her arms around him as the remnants of her dreams finally fade away. "You think it's a boy?"
"I know so," Rowan pinches her side, and Aelin smiles. He'd also been confident that their first child would be a girl. His smugness after Adelia's birth was unbearable.
"Rowan," Aelin whispers. "Can we just lay here today?"
"I could never deny you anything," Rowan leans against their headboard and kicks off his shoes. "You don't need to ask, Aelin. It's okay to take time for yourself."
"What if I'm just proving Ress right?" The insecurity slips from her lips before she can stop them. "What if there is someone more capable?"
"Ress won't be a problem anymore," Rowan rests a hand against her bump, and the baby withing kicks at it, bringing a smile to his face.
Aelin narrows her eyes, "What have you done?"
"Nothing that anyone will blame me for," Rowan assures. "He would be in a lot more trouble if the rest of the court learned what he said in front of Dell. Ress should be grateful I didn't do a lot worse."
Aelin sighs, "I don't understand why I can't just let it all go. Why do I allow myself to be so haunted?"
"It's not that simple," Rowan shakes his head. "I'm hundreds of years old, and no matter how many years pass, there are things from my past that haven't healed. The mind is different from the body, and sometimes it takes longer for it to recover. There is nothing wrong with that. You gave up everything for the people you loved."
"Because I had to," Aelin contradicts.
A hardness comes over Rowan, "because no one else could."
Rowan rolls over her body into a plank and looks deep into her eyes. "No one else that day would have made the same sacrifices out of love. Not even me. I was too selfish to let you go. You gave up everything, and by the strength in your soul, you came home to me. In all my decades, I have never met someone so remarkable, and I never will again. Take as many years as you need to recover, Aelin. This world owes a debt to you, and I will make sure it pays. You deserve every happiness."
His hand threads through one of hers and drags it up to rest on the bump between them.
Happiness.
Dell darts back into their room, a cup of tea sloshing in her hands as she runs. "Daddy, I put extra sugar in it. Uncle Fen is coming with more cups, but I made this one special."
Rowan pulls away from her, and the laughter on his face is contagious.
Aelin smiles and accepts the tea from Dell's hands. She even manages a few sips without cringing from the sweetness. Fenrys follows behind her shortly and sets a fresh cup covertly on her bedside table.
There may be hard days, Aelin realizes as her family gathers around her, but the love they showed her every day made it all worth it.
#throne of glass#rowaelin#rowaelinmonth#rowan whitethorn#aelin galathynius#fanfic#tog#angst#rowan x aelin#ptsd#sick day#baby fic#canon#sjm#sjmaas
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@severnrose honey, I shouldn't have preferences but how could I wait to write for you and Xiao?
Dear Xiao, sweet Xiao, thank you for asking, I have good reasons to love you :3
60- Genshin Impact, Xiao x Reader (angst/comfort)
From the prompt list
17- "Am I the reason you cry every night?"
33- "Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?"
For Xiao you are like a little sparrow, so fragile and so free at the same time. He never understood what bad star forced you to meet with him, it was something so unlikely that it might have seemed ironic, but still he never tried to put you in a cage. You didn't deserve it. Sure, you're an absurd being, sometimes annoying, sometimes inconsistent and stupid, but you're also something he never bothered to find, a free kindness and a relief he always knew he didn't deserve.
So he never wanted to condemn you to a relationship with someone like him.
For this reason, when the darkness inside him had become heavier, when he realized he had gone too far, he pushed your worried eyes away from him. It was his job to protect you too, and he hadn't noticed the wound he had inflicted on you.
He is never too kind with words, he doesn't talk much and when he does he is never able to sweeten his sentences. It has always gone well with you.
Yet this time something was different; maybe he had been worse without realizing it, or maybe you were more fragile than usual, but he immediately opened a cruel door in front of you and a wave of awareness hit you. Yes, you were nothing but a burden to him.
Xiao hadn't seen you since that day. Or rather, he had happened to see you around, as always, doing your chores, helping where there was need, but he had no longer had the opportunity to be with you, alone, as you used to do from time to time, maybe in the evening, under the stars.
Initially he hadn't done anything, he hadn't thought of anything either. You were simply too busy, as he was, on the other hand.
But one night, about to give way to the morning, while he was checking his wounds, your sobs had come to him, and so did the next night, and the one after that.
He found himself listening to your silent cry every night, and he watched over you, albeit from a distance. And when he reluctantly had to walk away, he cursed anyone who caused you that unspoken suffering. If only you wanted to tell him he would be ready to protect you, again. But again, you were a fragile, free little bird, and he wasn't enough for you, he wasn't enough to take the pain away from your heart. Someday in the near future that would pass, everything passes for mortals, and maybe he could see you smiling again under the stars. This was what he believed - or hoped for.
But in one of those dark moments, your call rang in his ears and vibrated in his bowels. Wherever he was, he recognized his name spoken by you, in the agony of your nights.
He had joined you immediately, he had immediately appeared there, standing at your bedside.
Your name had escaped his lips perhaps too quickly, and for a few seconds he waited for an answer that never came. In its place, your sobs continued soft and distressed, your body curled up under the pale sheets.
He should have sensed right away, that yours was just a moan in your sleep, but somehow it had been necessary for him to chase the chance to see you again. How long had he not seen you?
Your suffering face made his heart tremble; he would have devoured your nightmares if you asked him.
He again spoke your name, his hand shaking you slightly, trying to tear you out of your dream.
Your reaction had been more violent than he expected and had broken the composure of the Adeptus for a moment, making him move backwards, taken by surprise. However, he thought it was normal, given the sudden awakening.
"Xiao!" His name had been uttered by your voice in amazement, but it was soon abandoned as you took your eyes off his figure "What are you doing here?"
The delicate face of the millennial Yaksha frowned in perplexity. Even now that he was there in front of you, did you persist in hiding your torments from him?
"You called me." His response was swift and straightforward, as always.
"I'm sorry ... I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry." Your apologies were fragile and uncertain.
Xiao let out a slight sigh, while his dark lashes lowered to the precious gold irises.
"Why don't you tell me?" The question he asked you later was unexpected, and for a moment you shivered at the authority of his voice, but he didn't realize "What happened?"
"Nothing." You cut it short and it irritated him. You knew how to be so stubborn when you wanted to.
"I hear your sobs every night."
He didn't want to utter those words as an accusation, maybe he hadn't even done it, but suddenly you stiffened and bowed your head even more, guilty.
"I'm sorry…!" Now your voice was broken and desperate, and a doubt began to creep into Xiao's mind as slimy as a snake.
How long haven't you called him? Why weren't you looking at him? Why weren't you smiling at him anymore?
"Who ... has anyone hurt you?" Now it was he who had lost confidence in his voice.
"Nobody ... really." You had obviously made an effort to stay calm, and somehow reassure him. But even though he didn't really understand human emotions, even though he was a different and detached creature, he could sense you.
"It's me…?" He couldn't explain why, but he felt like he was hurting himself "Am I the reason you cry every night?"
Your silence was a new pain for him. You didn't dare look at him, because it was hard for you to admit how much his distance and his disappointment had upset you.
But behind his sweet stoic face he prayed to have your eyes on him, he prayed for you to remove that horrible, strange feeling that made its way inside him, at least until he was forced to turn his back on you.
Xiao is used to pain and suffering, but that time something had changed. It was something new, something he never wanted to try.
A fist clung to his chest, and he trembled. How long had his hands no longer been shaking?
He thought he was about to give in, he believed that finally his heart would break under the weight of the new, umpteenth, fault of him.
He felt the physical need to vent that sudden wave of suffering that had hit him. He wanted to cry, but Xiao didn't know what it meant to cry, so he didn't, and he just vanished, not even looking at you.
It was the only thing he could do to protect you, right? If he was the cause of your suffering, then he would no longer exist for you. It didn't matter what he did, he didn't even ask himself, he just knew he hurt you. After all, he must already know that this was his destiny.
...
You never called him again, and Xiao never showed up again. Yet, although he endured this condition with the same resignation with which he endured every painful task of him, he realized that the selfish desire he had for you had not ceased. He didn't know how to call it by name, he just knew that it was really selfish, on his part, to expect that a little bird like you at least a little bit remained attached to him.
However, even if you despised him, even if he could no longer hear your voice or your laugh even though you were still breathing, somehow at least he hoped to remain present in your memory.
So every morning a flower was placed on your window sill. He never brought you the same type of flower two consecutive days. He didn't admit it to himself, but he wanted at least in one corner of your mind the whole Liyue to remind you of him. The scent of its flora, its colors and the sweetness of it, he hoped that even if you didn't want those things would make you think of that cruel guardian. Not that Xiao dared compare himself to flowers, no, but certainly those flowers could be compared to you for him.
The Adeptus wasn't good with words, but he was capable of meaningful and powerful gestures - it was something you loved about him.
You didn't need to know that those flowers came from him - even if it was unlikely they were someone else's gifts - and he relied on your kindness to accept them with a smile.
For a while it had worked. Even though he could no longer see you and have you around, that little contact you maintained had given him a sense of peace. In evil it was that little drop of good that gave him the relief he needed.
But he couldn't deserve that either.
One morning, when the first rays of the sun began to paint the earth with the warm colors of dawn, he came to your window. The Glaze Lily he had plucked for you had remained clasped in his hands as his eyes painfully gazed upon the Qingxin he had given you the previous day, left to itself on the windowsill, away from your care.
It was so, even the thought of him you could no longer bear.
The flowers stopped coming and Xiao stopped hoping. He only prayed that Rex Lapis would see your sweetness and cherish it with love, without needing you to endure the protection of a cursed Adeptus.
...
Xiao wanted to see you again, but certainly not right now.
The first thing his mind thought was nothing, then immediately afterwards he wondered which Archon had to thank for not killing you during his battle, and then all that was important was that you were standing in front of him, and looking at him, even if from a distance.
His mask frees his face as soon as his eyes settle on you. How long had he not seen you? For a moment the pain disappears, a wonderful, ephemeral second of peace. And then again the weight of darkness falls upon him.
He should run away, run away from your sight, but like under a spell he is stuck in his place, and you still don't run away.
You are pale and scared, your eyes full of tears. How much have you seen? How long have you been there?
It doesn't matter if the blood that covers him is that of his enemies, of those who want to harm those like you, all that matters is how Xiao now appears before you: a figure disfigured by the red of shattered life, a devouring demon .
He should go, but you call him.
"Xiao ..." His name in your voice is a desperate breath as it is sweet, and you run to meet him in your anguish.
He can't look at you, not when he's like that. He looks at the ground covered in repulsive liquids, without having the courage to meet your judgment. He would have liked to see you again, but now he is ashamed of who he is, he is ashamed of being Alatus, of being the Conqueror of Demons and the Eater of Dreams, he is ashamed of being Xiao before your pure eyes.
Now you are a few steps away, he hears you, but you are afraid to approach. He wonders why you ever even wanted to come close to him again, was it your good heart that pushed you to do it?
"Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?" He did not want to ask that question, yet he posed it in front of you limpid and clear, as his "no" always are.
If he could die he would no longer distress you, nor would he hurt you, nor would he make you cry. If he could die, all aeons of unspoken pain would disappear. If he couldn't exist, everything would be better. But he can't, he has to live.
"If we are such a heavy burden to you why do you continue to protect us?" Yours is not a nasty question asked, it is rather a sweet worry distorted by insecurity.
His golden eyes return to immerse themselves in yours by instinct, without really wanting to.
"It's my duty, it's my ..." Xiao realizes he can't speak "But you're not ..." he tries again, but he can't.
He can't explain that knot blocking his throat and voice, which he can't spit or swallow.
It is my duty, my contract. But you are not a burden, you will never be.
His eyelids drop again and his head bows in chagrin. You are everything in front of him, and he is nothing in front of you.
"Don't look at me ..." is all he can tell you "You don't have to see me like that."
He was convinced that you didn't want to see him anymore, he was convinced that you wanted to forget him, but then why did your trembling hands rest so lovingly on his face?
"You are so beautiful Xiao." Your broken voice was asking him desperately to believe you, and he in front of your face now so close to him has no way to escape.
The misunderstandings between you two, the pain and the fear, no longer mattered.
Your arms gently encircle his chest and your head rests on his shoulder, without asking for permission, but he won't be the one to walk away, not now that he's found you.
"I'll get you dirty." He murmurs.
"It does not matter." You answer him softly.
You have no respect for the ways of the Adepti, but that is precisely why he needs you.
"Please be happy to live, Xiao."
#genshin impact#genshin x reader#genshin xiao#xiao x reader#xiao genshin impact#Xiao#genshin angst#angst/comfort#angst#genshin request#genshin oneshot
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After All This Time || Chapter Five
Aaron Hotchner x Reader
Word Count: 2,146
Chapter Summary: Anger. And harshness, maybe feelings. I haven't decided yet so I guess you'll have to just read to find out.
CHAPTER WARNINGS: angst?, asshat hotch again, sad feels
A/N: Guys, I'm like legitimately so sorry that this chapter took so long. It's not even that I've been all that busy. I definitely did go to California for two weeks, but after that I think I just got lazy? Had writer's block? I don't know. But New chapter is UP.
TAGLIST:
@kingofthetwats @wanniiieeee @uwu-sebastianstan @piggyinthesea @yoshigguk @thatisthemagic @errorcosplay67 @ivebeenthinkingboutu @big-galaxy-chaos @rynfoxsleeps @phoenixsnape1 @mojofun @pachiibatt @enjoymyloves @thenewnormalforensicator @word-scribbless @zezezena @chelseyjoyce @ellyhotchner @lora21 @flipperpenguins @illegal-brains @sunnysaysbookreviews @anti-zippy-snoot @kya-li
You come to eleven hours later, the first thing that you hear being the steady beep of a monitor.
The hospital.
It smells... white, the cleanness of it making you scrunch your nose. Still not having opened your eyes, you sense the brightness, almost making you not want to at all.
However, you knew how hospital visits work. When Reid was injured, the whole team was there waiting for him to wake up. With that push, that you had people waiting for you to wake up, you opened your eyes.
Everything was too bright at first. You felt your lips fall into a grimace and joked aloud, "You guys don't need to be so quiet, she lives."
There was no response, and as your vision cleared up, the wind was knocked out of you like a punch to the gut.
Empty.
The whole room was empty. Aside from you and the TV, there was no talking. There were no people.
For a moment you thought that you were dead. Or maybe dreaming, because who wakes up from a seemingly severe injury with no support system? With no friends.
You hear your heartbeat speed up before you feel it, but boy do you feel it when it hits.
The monitor must send an alert to the nurses' station or something because shortly after, a small, black-haired woman rushes into the room.
"Agent L/N? Are you alright, is there any-,"
"I just- where- did my- wh-where is my team?" The stutter surprised you and you sat up fast, not realizing how prominent the pain in your abdomen was until it was too late. You let out a soft gasp, but looked at the nurse to hear an answer.
"Oh, uh, honey... I asked as they left and the tall, broody one said that there was an emergency." She walked up to you and turned a dial on your IV machine, gently asking you to lay down again.
You complied, not fully paying attention. Your mind was somewhere else; thinking about the harshness of your team, but you had to assume that this was Hotchner's doing.
"You alright, sweetie," the kind nurse asks, her name is Monica.
You nod slowly, your head feeling a lot lighter than it had when you woke up. "Yeah. I'm okay. Um, before you go can you hand me my phone?"
She nods, looking at you for where, and you gesture to the bag that's slightly out of your reach. Monica hands you both the phone and its charger, pointing to an outlet on the wall behind your head.
Nodding in thanks, you plug the charger into the wall and watch the kind nurse leave before unlocking your phone. You see immediately that you have five missed calls from your mother, and after further searching, you notice messages from Emily, JJ, and Penelope. JJ's was the most recent, so you open hers first.
JJ (BAU) 43 minutes ago.
Hey Y/N, In case you wake up before we get back, Hotch called our debrief meeting, so we all went back to the precinct. Sorry, hon.
xoxo JJ and the Girls
You didn't register the tears until they were falling down your cheeks. You sighed a bit and replied to JJ's message with a short, 'got it'.
As soon as you pushed the 'send' button, the door to your room opened again and your entire team rushed in.
Well, most of the team.
Really, everyone except one person.
You were quick to wipe your eyes, trying to hide the fact that you had been crying. JJ walked to the chair beside your bed and sat down, giving you the most gentle hug as she did.
"Did you get my message? Are you feeling okay? Do you need a nurse, any water?"
"JJ, you're momming her," Derek joked as he bent to give you a hug. "For real though, you feelin' alright, lil mama?"
You nodded, sending him a tight-lipped smile as Emily walked over to the other side of your bed, bringing Penelope with her on a video call.
Spencer even came by, but he looked relatively uncomfortable and stayed by the door.
Waving at him a bit, you say, "You can come in you know. I won't bite."
"I know, Y/N. I was just worried. Statistically speaking, you survived on an off-chance. The ratio was close to 83:17, and the bullet entered your abdomen in-"
"I get it Spence. I should be dead," you pause slightly seeing everyone's wide-eyed look at your bluntness, "BUT I didn't die, so everyone can stop looking at my like I'm going to break and just settle." You chuckle a bit and sigh as you see the rest of the team besides Spencer nod their heads or visibly relax their shoulders.
"You're right, kiddo," Rossi says quietly, "You're okay, and we can celebrate that."
"Thanks, Rossi." Smiling, you lean into his hand, which was cradling the side of your face for a moment. "Can someone get Hotchner please? I had some words that I'd like to have him hear."
JJ places her hand on your arm then and says, "Y/N, maybe that's not the best idea right now."
"No," you shake your head and make eye contact with her, "That's exactly what I need right now."
"Y/N..."
"Spencer, can you go get him please? He's just sitting out in the lobby, correct?" You snap a little harsher than you meant to.
The boy stutters a bit, but eventually nods his head and walks out of the room. The rest of the team shares a look before also walking out, giving you space for when your boss comes in.
Sitting up straighter in the bed, you even your mouth into a thin line just as Hotchner walks in the room.
"Am I off the clock right now, sir?" You don't miss the way his eyes flash to your lips but you choose to ignore it.
He sighs and crosses his arms over his chest, "Say what you need to say, agent."
"Who the hell do you think you are? Calling the debrief not only at a time where one of the team members can't make it, but when the team member is in the hospital with a GSW wound." Your voice rises steadily as you continue talking, but you have more to say. "Not only that, but you couldn't even be bothered to make sure I was okay when the debrief was over?" Subconsciously, you recognize the switch from a third-person mindset to a personal one, but you pay it no mind.
"Agent L/N, you-"
"No. You will call me Y/N, and I will be calling you Aaron. We aren't on the clock right now and you don't deserve my professionalism," the heart monitor spikes in tempo, and you throw the blanket off of your lap.
He quirks an eyebrow at you as you command him, but nods his head slightly, letting you be in control for the moment. "Go ahead, Y/N. You get whatever irrational anger you have towards me out in the open and we can deal with the consequences later."
"I left EVERYTHING for this job, Aaron. I left my mom, who never stopped grieving a lost son, I left my job there thinking this would be better, and I lost friends and people who actually cared about my well-being. People who wouldn't leave one of their own in an unknown hospital to wake up by themself, not sure if they were even actually alive since there wasn't anyone with them." You saw Aaron flinch with everything that you listed, but you didn't care. He needed to hear it. "So yeah, Aaron. I get to be angry, and you don't get to tell me it's irrational, because this is the most rational I think I've been this entire year."
"Y/N. You put not only yourself, but me, and the rest of the team in danger yesterday. Excuse me if I don't want to see you and be around you while you're in the hospital." Really, if burned Aaron to his core that he couldn't reach over and tuck the stray piece of hair behind your ear, because right now that's what he wanted to do. Except it's inappropriate and he's not sure you'd let him within three feet of you.
"NO! You see, that's not how it works. Are you telling me that if you saw a little boy with a gun trained on them, you wouldn't have done the exact same thing?" Hot tears fill your eyes, but you don't wipe them. You almost hope that him seeing you cry will make him feel bad, if even just a little.
Glancing at the way his jaw was set and how he clenched his fists in his lap, you knew he was struggling to keep his cool, so of course you pushed harder.
"What if it was Jack, Aaron."
"Dammit, L/N, it wasn't Jack. It was just some boy that we couldn't save. We shouldn't have been able to save him. You didn't use the training you had, and you didn't use the rational part of your brain. As terrible as that sounds, and trust me, I never want to lose a victim, if you had used the training from the bureau, we wouldn't have saved him. " Aaron stands up and paces the length of the bed then, feeling your eyes following him the whole time.
You shake your head as you let your gaze fall to your lap. "I wasn't going to let him die again... I wouldn't have been able to live with myself."
Aaron's eyebrows furrow a bit and he looks at you with angry curiosity in his eyes, "Again? What do you mean by that?" That's when Hotch remembered earlier when you mentioned her mother who lost a son. "Y/N, did your brother... No. Actually, I'm sorry, just forget I said anything,"
There was a dark anger in your eyes as you shook your head. "No, Aaron. Ask me. Ask me this one question, and then reassess your profiling of me."
His gaze turned steely as he squared his shoulders again, showing no emotion in his voice as he spoke. He almost felt like the best way to approach you right now was as if you were the unsub.
"Was your brother murdered, Y/N?"
Dropping your head, you feel the tears burning in your eyes again and you nod. "He was only five. He had his whole life ahead of him. You'd think a child would be safe with a group of nuns or a priest, but no. Not even them. He was branded with a cross before he was killed and it's just unfair."
Aaron starts to walk closer to your bed, seeing the devolving pattern of your breathing, "Y/n, I'm so sorry, I-"
"No. Aaron, just, please go. I'll catch a flight home when I'm allowed to fly again, so you guys just go home and I'll figure it out. I mean, that's what I did when I was waking up by myself, right? Go ahead and fire me if you need to, suspend me, I don't care anymore, but I'll come back when the hospital says it's safe." You take a deep breath and watch as he turns away.
He gets all the way to the door before he turns back around and says, "What was his name."
"Joey."
Hotch nods and walks out of the door, remembering that the final victim, the one that you saved, was named Joseph.
After the encounter with Hotch you fell asleep. The heavy medication and the anger in your head knocked you out easily. You were asleep for a few hours, but you woke up when your pain medication wore off.
You noticed that your work phone had a few notifications, so you sat up a bit and looked through them.
There were two that stood out to you. The first one was a notification that read "Hotchner (Asshat) has added you to the group 'BAU Team'". The second was his message in that group chat.
Hotchner (Asshat) 2 hours ago
Hey team, change in plans. We will be staying here until Y/N gets cleared to fly. It should only be a couple of days and I know we were planning on flying out tonight. Sorry, Thanks.
As soon as you liked his message, your texts were blowing up from Emily. She was saying stuff about how "he totally likes you", and about, "you had a rough time on this case".
Also, apparently Derek saved all of his sarcasm for when Hotch got back, and the thought made you smile.
#criminal minds#aaron hotchner#hotch#hotch x reader#aaron hotchner x reader#criminal minds x reader#angst#sadness#talk of child death
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