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neonlight2 · 7 months

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Jaehaera Targaryen (oc)

Masterlist

Part 1

How did everyone react to her growing up and becoming more… scandalous? (Part 2)

Warning: again, small intervals of smut, mentions of step-cest??, death and a dash homophobia (also some of these parts are just fucking long as hell, sorry?)

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Aegon

He learned from the best.

It would be a lie to say the boy didn’t learn from Jaehaera’s actions. She was practically his idol, and when he got old enough to know better, he used her example.

It didn’t take long for him to figure out that Jaehaera’s magnetism was like no other, for it drew him in as well.

The prince would copy her mannerisms around women, studying the affects it would have on them. He noticed how they blushed at the way she spoke, how their thighs clenched by her lustful gaze, and how they shuttered whenever her body merely grazed their skin.

After weeks of watching and practicing his demeanor late at night in the mirror, Aegon tried it out on a beautiful lady. A married lady.

He’s cocky, but we knew that already, and the woman gladly falling into his embrace didn’t help anything.

A part of him thought that she was just desperate to fuck a Prince; he was very aware of his status. Normally, it wouldn’t bother him, but the easiness of it all wasn’t satisfying for him.

He’s greedy and vain. Again, he knows.

So one night he decided to sneak away from the palace— something else he can thank Jaehaera for. If she hadn’t taught him such good balance he would have never been able to run the wall as it thinned toward the outskirts of town. Aegon wanted a real challenge— or rather he wanted something real. He wanted someone to want him.

Everyone always wanted Jaehaera, him included. He badly wanted to know what that felt like, for he barely knew what it was to be admired in the first place.

This meant he’d have to go somewhere where women who did know who he was wouldn’t give a shit. Women that couldn’t care less if you were royalty because if you didn’t give them something in return, they couldn’t give a fuck. You might as well kill them cause you won’t get what you want if you don’t pay the price.

He went to a brothel… without any coin.

Prostitutes, or whores as most like to call them, were some of the most honest people in the land. They knew it was highly unlikely for a high standing man to marry one of them, and most were orphans, which meant no family money to take care of them. Their best chance was to do their job, save up their coin, and then live the rest of their lives out in peace.

He knew of a good, clean one that Jaehaera often went to. She always said it was to go see a friend of hers, which confused him because other than Edeline, Jaehaera didn’t have friends. You were either family, or you weren’t. At least that’s what she would tell him as they trained with wooden swords when he was a boy, reminding him that blood relation meant nothing but stains and harm.

When he arrived there, in a cloak two times the size of himself, he could see why she liked it so much. People gathered in groups, pleasuring one another as if it were to save them from damnation. Men ploughing into various women and other men, whilst bystanders touched each other intimately. He could only hear that of skin slapping and the wetness of sweat and slick. And smell… well let’s just say it made him hard enough to make him worry of soiling his trousers.

For a moment he was in a trance. He’d never seen such debauchery. Gods how he loved it.

It was only until he saw long flowing black hair that he snapped out of it. Aegon watch as it swayed freely, exposing its owners bare behind as she sauntered away from him. In a brief moment, the prince swore he saw her wink at him, and that her eyes were a deep amber.

He scurried through the crowds after her, not minding the limps touching him along the way. Once he’s made it to the other side, he could no longer see her. She had vanished, and that made his heart plummet.

“Is there something I can help you with sir?”

Aegon almost pissed himself.

“Seven hells!” He turns around to see the girl; her eyes were not amber, but a pretty blue. Swallowing back his embarrassment and ignoring the growing red of his cheeks from her naked frame, he replied.

“I was just browsing.”

Humming, the girl feigned belief, letting her hands wander the fabric of his cloak.

No matter how hard he tried, the Prince couldn’t help his eyes flickering to her breasts, noticing the way her nipples perked up at him and the chills that followed along the rest of her skin.

Peeling off his cloak, the boy placed it around her as if it were second instinct. What he didn’t expect was the action to shift his flushed state to her. As he tied the strings around her shoulders he watched as pink ran about her collar, up her neck, till finally meeting her face.

She was slightly taller than him as well, so when she looked toward the floor as if she were shy, he could still see most of her face. He found it desirable, and the more he let his mind drift, and the longer she had her eyes closed— Aegon could imagine her.

“You are beautiful,” he whispered, leaning in to caress her face.

Scoffing, the girl shook her head. “There’s no need for compliments if you’re going to pay me to get your cock wet.”

Laughing genuinely against her hair, she can feel his smile. “You can’t pay for my flattery,” Aegon whispers, “And I don’t pay for a good fuck.”

That’s all it took for her to grab him and lock them in a private room together.

When Aegon thinks on this memory, he was both grateful and disappointed with the pace. He was filled with slight regret of the fact the interaction lasted half an hour at most, and after that night he never saw the girl again. He also felt a sense of sympathy over cumming so quickly. Even when the girl chuckled and said it was a compliment to her services.

He couldn’t bare to tell her that he was a virgin.

Yet everything he found embarrassing was only worsened by what he loved and treasured about that night.

It started simple, her bare cunt grinding on his clothed cock— making the wet spot of his pants even more noticeable. As she made work of his shirt, hoping to kiss down his happy trail, which made him quiver like a cold child. He rarely watched her during the process, preferring to keep his eyes closed with his head thrown back while she had her way with him. But he could help glancing down when he felt her sucking the tip of his cock through his soaked cotton.

Aegon could have came right there if he had no shame at all. The sight of her hollowed lips around his bulge, hair falling around her face and her eyes shut as she moaned around him— if he allowed himself to the Prince could envision—

“Quite eager are we sir?” She asked, looking up at him with a smirk as she palmed him.

Shutting his eyes quickly, he pleaded, “Don’t call me that, please.

Apparently she found his demeanor cute; she often chuckled at him.

“If you wish…what should I call you then?”

Aegon hesitated, scrunching up his face as she pulled down his pants, feeling his prick hit the bottom of his stomach.

“Call me— ah.”

Her lips wrapping around his cock broke Aegon’s words, along with any train of thought he had managed to muster.

Humming against him, Aegon had to push her away in fear of cumming in her mouth too quickly. His fingers crept to her hair, bunching it along her scalp before tugging up. A loud pop from the loss of connection practically made his legs shiver.

“If you do that, I’ll finish,” he panted, eyes still closed as he caressed her face, occasionally slipping his thumb into her mouth as his head dug into the mattress. His imagination was running wild, and her comments did nothing to help.

“I thought that was the idea?” She quipped, kitten licking whatever she could touch. “Now—,” she laced their hands together in order to free herself, shifting upwards— “what was it you wanted me to call you?”

Aegon could feel her weight, pushing on either side of him until her heat followed. She was burning, almost as much as he, and her skin was unbelievable soft. He could feel the push of her thigh, pressing against his own as she used him as a seat— one to relax upon and make whatever pleasure she could derive.

“Speak little Prince.”

In any other state, Aegon would have shot up, eyes wide, ready to ask her how she knew him. Then he’d probably ridicule himself for being naive enough to believe he could escape his identity. However, the boy was under a trance. Her bare cunt was resting on his leaking cock and the only thing the young Targaryen could do was moan.

At the title. At the demanding tone of which it was said. And how much it sounded like Jaehaera.

“That.” Aegon whispered.

“What was that, I need you to be a little louder for me—?”

“Call me that! ‘Little Prince’,” he mewled pitifully, “‘Spoiled Little Prince’.”

The whole night they spent fucking. She used him until her body grew tired, and Aegon had not yet gotten his fill. So he did what she asked, following her direction to perfections. And he kept his eyes closed the whole time, imagining another.

And the girl wasn’t clueless.

She knew the moment he refused to call out her name, even when she told him it twice within the same hour. But she couldn’t be bothered to care, nor would she take the time to ponder why the name ‘Jaehaera’ sounded so familiar when it fell from Aegon’s lips as he slipped inside of her. No, this was one of the rare times that she got to actually enjoy herself. So selfishly, she would enjoy it.

He’d never go to that brothel again. In fact he’d forbid himself from doing so, denying himself from the ultimate pleasure. Limiting and furthering him from his wishes, the deepest running from heart to mind every night. That girl gave him what he dared not even whisper when as he touched himself, for he trusted not the nosy walls within the castle.

Yet he could not control his impulses. No matter how hard he tried, nor how many light haired maidens threw themselves into his arms with fluttering lids and sensual touches— he ended the nights of his youth with a dark maned lady in his bed. Of course they’d always leave in the morning. Coincidentally, of their own accord. Aegon assumed they were ashamed or thought he’d banish them if he awoke first. However, despite his reputation, he found the mornings cold. His arms were left lonely, empty— a perfect parallel to his heart one may say.

But that’s nothing more wine could not fix… right?

Aegon’s “shameful” habits would cease anytime Jaehaera came home. And he always had a doorman tell him the moment she arrived on royal grounds, for the first and only time she had caught him in the act with a lady of well standing— he was horrified beyond believe.

He couldn’t explain it. Maybe it was shame? Even though he knew there not need be, she’d never judge him even given his despicable thoughts.

But perhaps it was guilt? For using her image? And withought her permission. Not to mention that night…

Aegon often saw Edeline and Jaehaera together. Frequently linked at the arms or touching on another in order to be aware of the others whereabouts. He grew up with it that way, and he thought nothing of it for that was the way Jaehaera lived. Forever passionate and unabashedly so.

She praised his mother, and he’d watch as the woman that had raised him smiled like she were his age.

She’d laugh and tease Rhaenyra, making the sister he barely knew somewhat familiar to him.

So Edeline was no exception. There was no questions when he noticed her touch the woman, whisper close to her ear, and constantly give her suggestive glances.

Which is one of the reasons he had no malice toward fluid sexuality because he had loved Jaehaera for far too long, and Otto hadn’t got to him fast enough to change his mind about that.

As for how he felt about Edeline… he neither liked nor disliked her. To be honest she barely interacted with him. He predicted that to be because of his mother and grandfather, neither being too fond of her for differing reasons. His mother green with envy and his grandfather all the same only mixed with a brown muck of hypocrisy and mutiny.

But when she had, she was kind and rather funny. She didn’t have a filter, much like Jaehaera. Instead of taking offense to her rashness, he found it refreshing and slightly amusing. Not to mention her youthfulness blended well with his own. She always looked so happy.

Aegon would laugh at her antics, picking up a few as habits along the way.

However, there was one memory of her he could never erase. Something he dreamt about while in the light of the sun or moon; he couldn’t escape it.

He was young. He knew that much, yet he could not remember the exact age. But he knew for certain he would always wonder about the castle, sneaking about, searching for mischief, for fun, maybe even trouble.

He remembers finding his way into a room, one yellow in light of thousands of candles, all dripping to the floor. No doubt giving the maids plenty of work to do in the morning.

His head would peak through and see a shadow— of her. Hair pulled up with loose strands of ringlets falling down toward her face and shoulders. She was a sight to be seen, beautiful simply. There was nothing particular about her. Anyone else within the court would have thought her plain, calling her matching brown hair and eyes dull, comparing the color to the muck and shit along the common streets.

But in that light they shined, a pool of gold matching that of Rhaenyra’s dragon— a likeness to his own in the short future. Aegon understood why Jaehaera took such interest in her, and he remembers wondering whether she were simply basking in the life bestowed upon her by Jaehaera, or if she were waiting for her. The ladder made him weary and scamper to a darker corner in which to hide.

He should have know better. If Jaehaera was to walk in, mere seconds would pass and he’d be caught. Maybe scolded, for Jaehaera had taught him that ‘one’s room is a sacred place of safety and should be respected’.

He was greeted with much worse.

He could tell by the sound; it was not Jaehaera. Certainly because he would have never heard hers, unless she were in a skipping mood— but she was always light-footed in the night. However, it was the clinking of armor that gave it away.

She thought it a waste of time to wear any.

So when the sound surged through the entryway, his eyes grew wide as he scampered away from the door, hoping to sneak under the bed before anyone saw.

He could only watch as Edeline’s scrunched up in confusion, trying to cover her bare bodice as they approached her figure. They had little politeness for her. One grabbed her arms while to other swept through her belongings, as if searching for something.

Finally, there was silence. No more of her yelling, demanding to know what they were doing, not her cries as the guard holding her grasped her jaw harshly in order to stop the noise. That’s when he noticed the green peaking in out from the back. And he dared to lean forward, catching sight of the man. He felt his lip tremble as he watch Sir Criston Cole holding Edeline without any care. And he almost gasped after seeing the earrings that the other had found in Edeline’s dresser. Green Emeralds in the shape of tear drops.

His mothers.

The last he saw of Edeline was her screaming profanities, squirming against hoping to break free of Sir Cole’s hold, before finally shrieking out what he’d never forget—

“Jaehaera! She will kill you all, I swear it! Jaehaera!”

He hid under that bed for what felt like hours, maybe it had been, but those last words remained loud in his words. And it was only until the door opened again, this time without footsteps, and booted feet coming into view. Not taking in the consequences, he started crying, wriggling from out under the bed until he jumped into Jaehaera’s arms. She had barely asked him what was wrong when he cried out,

“They took her!”

Jaehaera didn’t need to be told who was taken, nor who had taken. Her eyes grew a shade deadlier than the magma that rests beneath the earth. She was quick to grab him, hoisting him on her hip as she ran though the halls, caring very much to awake a maid to take Aegon from her.

“Take him to his mother, and tell the Queen that she is not allowed to leave her chambers by order of Princess Jaehaera.”

That was the last time Aegon had seen her for years. After that night it would seem everything would change.

Jaehaera would be gone more than she would be at Kings Landing.

His grandfather would be banished from castle grounds until he was well of age.

His father, Viserys would be cold to them all, for a long while.

And his mother would cry that night, upon hearing each decree of Jaehaera departure and Otto’s banishment— he could not tell which upset her more.

Aemond

Let’s not pretend that this man wouldn’t be a tad bit of a hypocrite. I mean… he would resent Lucerys but love Jaehaera. I think we all know who’s more “illegitimate” here. Anyway—

I strongly believe Aemond and Aegon both have abandonment issues, and not in a literal sense per say, but they definitely feel neglected. And while Aegon drifts away and acts out, Aemond definitely seeks approval. He is obsessed with it. Whether it be from his mother, his father, or Jaehaera.

*cough cough* explains the praise kink *cough*

Seriously though, he really is obsessed with being perfect.

And this gets worse every time Jaehaera leaves.

I just imagine him as a child at “peak perfectionist” in his studies and practices, especially because of his dragon fixation. He wants to make up for what he lacked at the time. So when he met Jaehaera for the first time his standards skyrocketed. Not just for himself, but for everyone else.

This is where the hypocrisy comes in.

I don’t think Aemond is homophobic or sexist, but I do think he believes in tradition. Which makes zero sense but let me explain.

He definitely believes in blood status, no shocking, but he also thinks that means each class has its own rules. Meaning anyone beneath his station has no right to sully their name without consequences. He has no respect for those who are found guilty of cheating, wedlock, or affairs. That’s their problem. It doesn’t affect his family.

They have no limits.

Unless of course you’re Rhaenyra’s kids. But hey, that’s where the flaw in his logic shines through.

Don’t worry, Jaehaera will call him out on it later.

Basically— if anyone ever thought of slut shaming Jaehaera, they die. In fact he’d be so disgusted by them it would be as if they had just admitted to the debauchery.

Jaehaera herself could have said the same thing, he wouldn’t blink an eye. Anyone else… they die. For they had no right to speak of her in such away, even if she had made it public information.

However, in all, he is a gentleman. It’s what he prizes himself on.

He’s a good academic, a talented knight, and a dutiful Prince.

And while he enjoys the affects of his behavior, he despises that half of it isn’t truly him. He revels in praise, but he cringes away at his reflection very evening before he sleeps. Not just because he can’t stand the sight of what he’s physically lost, but the will of what he had as a young boy.

The shitty part of it all is, he knows that he doesn’t need to be this way for her to be proud of him. But he takes that as a reason to continue, because he wants more. He wants to surprise her, impress her so much that she couldn’t leave him behind again.

She’d either have to stay and watch him grow even further, or take him with her.

Alright— now let’s address the obvious:

Aemond would act as if Jaehaera’s more “scandalous” behavior didn’t bother him, because he always says she is free to do as she wishes. And he does believe that, but it doesn’t mean he has to like it, or approve of her partners.

He’s a jealous bastard, and he knows it.

Aemond will take each interaction Jaehaera has with someone other than him personally. He’ll hold a grudge against the other person, and feel insecure that he’s not doing enough to keep her attention. And depending on who it is, Aemond will react differently.

If it’s anyone below his rank, it’s a easy fix. He’ll threaten them to never speak to her again, and it works like a charm because the few that had the balls to not do as he said were punished severely, either locked up for the rest of their days, executed, or sentenced to servitude.

You might ask, how does Jaehaera allow this?

Well— half the time she’s not in kings landing. When she leaves, Aemond makes his move, and the individual Jaehaera was interested in has suddenly disappeared.

However, Aemond is not a monster. Aemond would never harm someone simply because they have Jaehaera’s affection.

The only reason he ever does the number of things listed is because they’ve…

1. Bragged about having her favor or speaking crudely of her

2. Tried to use her affection for their own gain

3. Made her displeased

He also doesn’t discriminate so it doesn’t matter, lord or lady— just don’t make Jaehaera sad.

Now, time to discuss how Jaehaera’s behavior affected his own display of sexuality.

Aemond is demisexual. (It’s my headcanon, you can disagree, but it just makes sense to me.)

So while Aegon (personally I think he’s bi-sexual), is more overt with his sexual preferences, Aemond usually keeps those things to himself.

This is because he has trust issues, and he has always viewed sex as a transaction growing up.

He knew the system of social hierarchy, lords selling out their daughter for fortune or status, and the irony of the relationship between his own mother and father. Though he’d never say anything of the sort out loud. If he were honest, the thought made him sick, but it was all he’d ever known.

And he knew that pleasure existed, but for a cost as well.

Men would seek a carnal release, and women in the darker parts of the city would give them what they wanted for a fixed price.

Nothing had ever been free.

Until of course, Jaehaera spoke of pleasure.

“Byka zaldrīzes?” Little dragon

Aemond’s head snapped up quickly, having been stuck on the same word for the past hour or so while laying out in the library, studying while Jaehaera read whatever she hadn’t already. If he were truthful, he’d admit that his mind was clouded with what Jaehaera was wearing.

It was nothing out of the ordinary persay; she often wore clothing out of fashion or from another kingdom, gifts from her many travels. Yet, this time was different. This time she came back from Dorne.

She had come back from the kingdom before, always happier for it because she got to share her findings of her “favorite culture”. Always promising that she would be back there next voyage if the weather permits.

The weather always permits.

But this time was different. Aemond was in the midst of “becoming a man” as his mother and Otto would say. He prided himself with not acting rashly through all the changes, not wanting to be like his brother. Furthermore when he felt his whole body go flush at the sight of Jaehaera leaping off her dragon, barely covering her breasts with a beaded blouse and loose fabric around her exposed hips, straight into his father arms, he couldn’t help but few embarrassed. Even more so when she commented on it.

“Oh no! You poor thing— did you all stand out here for too long? My poor little dragon is burning to a crisp!”

Aemond wanted her dragon to eat him alive.

So here they were, as Jaehaera insisted to bring back his wellness, and he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering. I could look up just once…

It was a battle he only won with her mercy of saying his name.

“Yes?” He responded in a high pitch than he meant to.

Smiling at him fondly, she tilted her head, leaning the bun atop her head against the leg of a chair— and he knew that her scalp was beginning to ache.

“Would you like me to help you take down your hair?” He asked, not even thinking of the rejection that may follow.

“Would you?” She asked, humming at the idea, “Braid it for me?”

His hands shook slightly at the thought of running his hands through the smooth strands. He had played with her hair before, knowing it was a privilege, for she found great pride in it. She hadn’t cut it in decades, claiming she liked the tradition of the Dothraki. The last he’d seen, her hair landed at the beginning of her calves. That was two years ago.

Apparently she knew his answer for she had begun to turn as his lips parted to speak. “Your brother sent me letters while I was away.”

Gulping down his nerves, he uttered a brief hum of recognition, before teasing the ties holding her hair. Aemond watched as it uncoiled and twirled until pooling at the ground. The sight filled him with joy, for her knee the braid would take time, but also made him weary…

He did not want to talk of Aegon, or anyone else for that matter. Not while he had her to himself, finally.

Shaking her head to even out her hair, Jaehaera continued, “Yes, and I was quite surprised.”

“That he can write?” Aemond quipped, allowing himself to slot both his hands underneath her hair before drawing it out towards him. He’d let the black wires drown his very being if she’d wish it.

Jaehaera her head back in a laugh, making Aemond freeze when her scalp brush against his fingers. “You’ve become quite quick my little dragon, but no, I was surprised he was the one to send me letters. Not you.”

He could hear the teasing smile creeping through her voice. “Too busy for me—?”

“No!”

Aemond voice made both of them stir, Jaehaera’s head quirking to the side in order to showcase her raised brow. All while Aemond’s hands dropped to the floor, softly brushing the hair fanned around his legs.

“I mean— I just haven’t had anything to write about.”

I don’t have anything I want you to know, he meant.

Nodding slightly, Jaehaera faces forward once again. “Alright.”

Sighing, disappointed at his choice of words, for how he came across, for the change of tone in her voice. It hated all of it.

“I only mean that nothing interesting happened,” he mumbled, moving closer to her and plopping her hair in his lap so he could gently part through it, “Everything is dull when you’re not home.”

It was a guilt trip, and Aemond wasn’t proud of his methods, but he’d do anything to convince her to stay.

Jaehaera hummed again, the way she had before but without a nod, feeling Aemond’s hands coiling her hair into three. She knew what he meant, and she knew it was true.

“Aegon told me something interesting,” she said, her voice turned gentle and comforting, “but now I think he shouldn’t have.”

Aemond’s brows creased together, trying to figure out what it could be. Aegon had done numerous of things since Jaehaera last left, he’d know, he had to hear every time their mother reprimanded him. But what he couldn’t figure out is why Jaehaera wouldn’t want to know. Not only did Aegon tell her everything, beyond what was appropriate, but Jaehaera was known to want to know everything.

“Why is that?” He asked meekly, starting the trend of the braid, making quick work from all the practice he had from helping his mother and sister.

Jaehaera didn’t say anything for a while. They both just sat there as Aemond braided her hair, listening to each others breathing, and sometimes Aemond believed that she could hear his heartbeat.

“He told me something that wasn’t his.”

“Oh? Did he gossip about mother?”

That would be a reasonable explanation, Aemond thought. Jaehaera’s demeanor always shifted when his mother was brought up, let alone if she entered the room.

“No.”

“Father?” That one was less likely, they barely spoke to their father.

“You,” she said instantly, “he told me about something about you, well I suppose the both of you.”

Aemond froze, and Jaehaera knew he couldn’t be finished already. Even with his agile fingers, the most skill maid couldn’t even do her hair that quickly.

“Aemond?”

He knew what it was. There was nothing else that the boys had done together, anything that Aegon would have felt Jaehaera should know.

All he could feel was shame.

“Whatever he said is a filthy lie.” He claimed, voice now dark, surprising Jaehaera enough to turn around. She was almost taken back by how his eyes mimicked such destain.

Staring for a moment, Jaehaera let her thumb swipe over the middle of his brow, trying to release its tension. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of—,”

“It is foul,” he spat, no longer able to keep eye contact with her.

“I’ve been gone too long,” she whispered with an air of guilt about her. “They’ve already taught you shame.”

She tilted her head one last time, hoping to catch his eye once again, but Aemond refused. He’d rather die than her see the tears welling up in his eyes. Jaehaera brushed his cheek before turning back around, inviting him to continue.

“Pleasure is only a sin when it comes from a place of cruelty Aemond.” This time her voice much more firm. “Remember that for me please.”

The boy bit the inside of his cheek hard, as to squeak out a sob, instead replacing it with a faint hum. It took the rest of the time to finish braiding her hair before either of them spoke again.

“It was not pleasurable,” he confessed, now allowing himself to peer up at her eyes. “Only wrong.”

“Did you not want to go to the brothel?” She’d ask, not falter of amusement or confusion.

Aemond shook his head. “Aegon won when we were sparring, and his prize was that he got to take me there. To “make me a man”, he said.”

There was anger festering in her eyes, and a part of it made Aemond terrified and happy all at once. He knew his brother was in for a rude awakening now. He just hoped he’d be there to witness it.

“Don’t ever bet on things like that again.” She demanded. “And promise me you’ll only ever do things that you wish, and if the other person wishes as well.”

“I promise.”

“And don’t go to anymore brothels.”

This time Aemond was curious. “Why?”

“They’re not made for souls such as yours.” She stated, as if it were to be a well renowned knowledge.

“What about yours?”

“Mine?”

“Your soul. Why is it fit for such a place?”

Jaehaera smile to herself, a new distance within her pupils as she looked beyond him. “It was born there and is a part of me.”

Aemond couldn’t help but be confused. He had only a brief understanding of her past, as much as anyone else, but he could not figure why she would be nostalgic. Of all the terrors and torture she was brought forth from, why does she harbor it so fondly?

“Is it because of Edeline.”

The woman he only had a glimpse of as boy.

Jaehaera’s eyes were sharp as they quickly returned to him, bringing a hand to his jaw. “Don’t ever speak of her,” she lightly warned, her touch soft yet there all the same.

Her voice grew acidic, like the words she uttered was a soured poison. “These walls have eyes, painted green, and I will not have you be a subject of one of there inquiries.”

Only a second passed before she arose to her feet, ready to leave.

“I’m sorry!” Aemond sputtered, terrible worry filling his stomach.

Jaehaera stopped, looking back at him with a glint of intrigue. “Whatever for?”

“For- for,” he stuttered over his tongue, even more confused by her behavior.

She smiled at him, “Thank you for braiding my hair my little dragon.”

And as she left he could hear her yell, “Tell your mother I said hello.”

Last thing—

While he acts like he’s better than his brother, Aemond has definitely fantasized about Jaehaera. But I don’t think he copes with it in the way Aegon does. In fact I think he finds the though disgusting and treacherous. Like he would be betraying he in a way.

So he keeps her in his mind, imagining her, and if ever he finds it to unbearable, he’d be left with his hand and the mere thought of her. For it was enough.

Heleana

The babe is precious.

Obviously, she knows what sex is. She has children.

But I don’t think she really knows, if you get what I mean. I think Heleana just thinks it’s a thing that happen, or has to happen, and at least she gets children that she adores out of it.

Sad, I know, but I think it’s true.

So, she knows that Jaehaera has sex as well, but as she gets older, she picks up signs that Jaehaera is getting something else out of it. Because she’s not checking any of the original boxes set when she was growing up.

For one, Jaehaera wasn’t married.

This fit of course for Jaehaera’s character and everyone else in the family being so on edge about her hand and all.

But still, it’s a big topic.

Secondly, Jaehaera never had any children, nor did she express a want for any of her own.

And finally, if she ever did in fact use sex for procreation, then why did she sleep with women?

Basically, Heleana knew something was up, she didn’t know what it was, and honestly she didn’t care.

And as much as I would love for someone to actually give this sweet girl true love and adoration in the bedroom… she doesn’t need it.

Heleana could live her whole life without having sex and be perfectly happy.

She found pleasure and delight in other things.

What I’m trying to get at is… she could care less what people say or think of Jaehaera. Heleana never doubts Jaehaera for a second, for she admires her honesty and free spirit.

Within her gift she also suspects that the gods hold favor for Jaehaera, proving even more that her trust is not misplaced.

Do I think Jaehaera gave Heleana the talk? Because Alicent sure as hell didn’t.

Yes. But in a way Heleana would understand.

Jaehaera would uses spiders and other animals as reference, casually making a joke about how she would even get away with ripping off her lovers head if they deserved it— Heleana would never think to do so, but she’d laugh anyway.

Jacaerys

Jaehaera didn’t have to give Jace the talk because Daemon ran his mouth enough for him to pick up on innuendos. But Rhaenyra envitably gave him the talk.

I imagine that Jace would get as mad when people called Jaehaera a whore as he did with his mother. In a sense, he can relate to Aegon and Aemond in that sense. However— Jace would rather not hear about that stuff.

Not because it bothers him that she is more… promiscuous, but because it’s like hearing his mother talk about having sex. It can just be uncomfortable, which is why he’d also keep those types of things more to himself.

Jace would definitely ask questions if he couldn’t find the answers from any other source. He’s not scared of Jaehaera or his mother teasing him or making a big deal over it. He just rather not have the two women who raised him know he’s having sex, and if they do— that’s all they should know. No details.

I also think Jace believes firmly in the sentiment that “what happens in the comfort of one’s own home is their business.”

Basically, he hates when the Lords and Ladies of court try to talk about his mother, of his conspicuous decent, and anything or anyone Jaehaera chooses to do.

He wishes everyone would mind their own damn business and shut up.

Speaking of shutting up— he hates crudeness.

A casual joke every now and then? Sure; it’s bound to happen when he’s serving in the royal army anyhow. But he dislikes excessive dirty humor and crass talking. He thinks it somewhat disrespectful and has a bad past with it.

This explains why he gets so mad at Aegon at the dinner, when he makes a comment about him “knowing where to put it”. Not to mention he disrespected his fiancé—

Oh, and this boy is head over heels for Baela. Holy shit this boy is whipped. I’m talking, he would have married her the day of their betrothal if he could have.

They have known each other since they were children, comforted one another in times of sorrow, and watched/helped each other grow. They share the same hobbies: dragon riding, sparring, and love for adventure. And even in their differences, Baela being more rash like her father, and Jace like his mother— they are able to overcome.

I can imagine the few times anyone did joke with him or tease him a bit about sex would have been after they got betrothed.

Anyone with at least one eye could see that Jace was putty in Baela’s hands, and because Baela takes after her father she’s more forthcoming with her advances— more bold.

She would have always been more physical— with anyone— than her sister. Constantly using her arms as she spoke, hugging, nudging, slapping someone’s shoulder as she laughs, etc.

So when they get engaged, she takes that as a sign that she can further her advances. It would start a little innocent, she’d hug Jace in every greeting and goodbye, then she’d kiss his cheek, take his hand… leading to eventually initiating their first kiss.

Daemon would be proud of his daughter, if we’re being honest; he’d totally say something like, “well…she is my child.”

Rhaenyra would be glowing with happiness because of how in love they are.

And Jaehaera would be all of the above but also would make comments like, “You mustn’t leave them alone now, or else you may have an urgent reason to speed along the wedding.”

Jace would be red as his houses color, while Baela would laugh and scream,

“There are other ways to prevent that!”

Everyone would have practically fallen to the floor with shock or laughter.

Lucerys

Too precious.

Jaehaera knows he’ll “do the deed” one day. Not only because it’s his duty to produce heirs, but he also adores Rhaena.

And by the way the boy peaks over at his betrothed when he believes no one is watching, she knows that even his shyness could not trump his longing to cherish her in any and every possible way.

However, I would describe their relationship more of a friendship lover type. Rhaena and Lucerys aren’t in love the way Jace and Baela are: passionate and adventurous. They’re soulmates in a way that they don’t have to profess their undying love for each other to understand.

They’re more affectionate in a softer sense. They listen to each other without having to be asked, step into each others habits, and link the others hand with their own to keep them safe from wandering.

They reason before they fight, and they prefer to read and speak of other things than politics, succession, and war.

Numerous topics varying from music and art to cultures and even agriculture.

Basically— they’re a perfect match.

I also think that Jaehaera would give Lucerys a book on anatomy— which she annotated because let’s be real, the men that wrote them didn’t bother to learn everything— instead of speaking to him about it, just to spare him an hour of flushed cheeks and anxiety. And while she’d make sure both him and his brother knew that pleasure was important and natural, she wouldn’t feel the need to go over all the bases with Lucerys. Jaehaera knew and trusted that he would be delicate and gentle with Rhaena. He never gave her a reason to believe any different.

That being said— Lucerys is similar to his brother in not wanting to hear of Jaehaera’s sexual conquests. Of course, growing up he had the firm knowledge that there was no shame in the act, but he couldn’t help that anytime the subject was brought up his ears turned red.

The family has an unsaid agreement to try to keep such talk to a minimum around him, for once his face stayed pink until the next day.

I do think that Lucerys is more intuitive or empathetic than his other family members though. He may not necessarily know the most, but he can tell by someone’s voice, expression, or body language how they feel about someone else (or just in general).

So no matter how many partners Jaehaera took, he could clearly feel and see the difference in how she spoke of them to… others.

He noticed Jaehaera and Daemon.

He noticed Jaehaera and his mother.

He even picked up on how his uncles felt about her, which made his stomach turn every now and then.

But above all he noticed Jaehaera shift in behavior when a woman named Edeline was mentioned.

Whittling away at a piece of wood he had been for hours, trying to create something that somewhat resembled a ship, Lucerys sighed deeply to himself. He was ready to throw the damn thing into the fire, never to look at its bumpy surface again. The heat of the fireplace was not helping his frustration, only making the young dragon grow hotter, but he knew he only had himself to blame. If he had simply chose to sit next to his mother, rather than at her feet, he would have been contented to the coolness of the leather bound chair.

However, as he felt her hands come down upon his head, petting it gently, he could find no solace in his complaints.

“What is the matter my darling,” Rhaenyra’s cooed, heart warm with the vision in front of her. Her second oldest, resting at her feet as if he were her youngest child, yet with a face more grown than she had remembered.

Twisting around the boy groaned lightly, hugging his mother’s leg as he propped his work onto her knee. “She made it look so easy,” he whispered, dismayed by his lack of progress.

Laughing, Rhaenyra picked up the wonky boat, brushing her fingers over the ridges. “Well… firstly, you know you shouldn’t place your standards on Jaehaera’s abilities for your own,” she mused, “None of us should.”

“Secondly,” she chuckled to herself once again, “Jaehaera’s first couple looked just like this.”

Lucerys’ eyes widened at the news, “Really?!”

“Yes,” she combed her fingers through his brown curls. “That’s why she practiced so often. She’s a perfectionist.”

Lucerys could see his mother’s mind wandering, her eyes looking at him yet seemingly finding a way to see something else. He noticed that happened quite a lot lately; this has been the longest Jaehaera had been away from them.

She had left kingslanding suddenly, angered by something Lord Hightower had done, or at least that’s what his mother deemed as an appropriate explanation for him to know. She wouldn’t exactly tell him or his brother what he had done to upset Jaehaera, and he supposed she never willingly would.

Jaehaera had only sent them a letter, promising to visit briefly in a couple months. Lucerys just hoped this month would be the final within her absence.

He wasn’t surprised to hear that there was rivalry between the two. Jaehaera openly held her disregard for the hand of the king, even whispering little snide remarks under her breath, allowing him and his brother to partake in the joke alongside her and Daemon.

What Lucerys couldn’t understand was why Jaehaera would leave… when Otto was the one to be banished in the end.

Which is what made him curious of this third party he had heard of by many gossiping whispers…

“Mother, who is Edeline?”

Rhaenyra practically flinched at the name. Her eyes finally resurfacing to acknowledge him. “Where did you hear that name?”

Lucerys straighten his posture, creating space as his mother leaned forward, hands ready to keep him in place. The size of her eyes frightened him. “I-I heard a few ladies say it and something about Jaehaera—,”

“Who my child?” She got closer, her voice more that of a queen now than his mother. “Who said such things?”

“I- I don’t know- I’m sorry. I just wanted to know if that’s why Jaehaera was sad.”

Rhaenyra stared at him, eyes empty with something Lucerys swore he’d never gaze upon again if he could help. “Alright,” she softened, hand caressing his cheek, “Such a sweet boy you are.”

She cooed at him like a new born babe, and he couldn’t help but melt at it. “Don’t worry so much my love, all will be well. Jaehaera just has business of her own to take care of.”

Smiling she hugged him to her chest, “When she’s done she’ll join us here. Wouldn’t you like that?”

Nodding, Lucerys blinked at the door, watching as Daemon walked through. And his body felt solid once more.

Rhaenyra broke her hold and kissed Lucerys head before standing, greeting her newly wedded husband. Lucerys watched at how tenderly Daemon peered down at her, letting his hands smooth over her arms, before settling on her stomach. He kissed her forehead, whispering something that Lucerys though inconceivable to hear.

That’s how he found out he was to be a brother again.

Rhaenyra was quick to work, giving Lucerys one last kiss, then walking out to attend to whatever was happening. She was practicing her royal affairs, and she never missed them.

“She’s someone Jaehaera loved very much.”

Snapping his gaze from the doorway to Daemon, Lucerys’ eyebrows perched. “What?”

“Edeline,” Daemon mused, “that’s who you asked about right?”

“Yes, but— Jaehaera never mentioned a lady that she—“

Daemon laugh loudly, “She was her hand maiden. But I suppose she was treated like a lady…”

“I don’t remember a—,”

“Boy,” Daemon stepped closer, towering over him with a cheeky smirk, “she hasn’t visited us in quite some time, and even if she was Edeline’s stomach cannot withstand the fly here. You have not been to kingslanding in a couple of moons. Of course you can’t remember her.”

“You barely met her,” he tilted his head at the thought, almost giggling to himself. “And now you never will.”

“Why- what do you mean?” Lucerys asked with beady eyes, mocking that of his mother’s Daemon thought.

Leaning down to his level, Daemon placed his hands gently on the boy’s shoulders, as if giving grave news. “Otto had her executed.”

Lucerys gasped, making Daemon laugh despite his effort in trying to keep composed. “And now Jaehaera has left kingslanding, no doubt to plot that cunt’s fate.”

“Which means,” Daemons tone lowered as he brushed off Lucerys clothes, “we must all be ready to aid her if and when she’s in need.”

His eyes bore into Lucerys’, “Do you understand boy?”

It took a fraction of a second for Lucerys to nod, and less time for Daemon to remove himself from the situation. Patting the boys head, he turned and marched out of the room with a happy tune about him.

It was then that Lucerys understood how dangerous Daemon was. That he fed on chaos, and that whole conversation wasn’t just to warn him of what to come, it was to threaten him as well. To not ruin his entertainment.

Lucerys could also feel his eyes begin to water. Not because he was scared of Daemon, or what was to come. No, the boy realized that Jaehaera was out there, not just plotting Otto’s demise, but weeping over a loved one.

His heart ached at the thought of hers broken.

Baela

Idolizes Jaehaera

That’s enough said really… but I’ll continue.

Baela admires Jaehaera’s strength and autonomy over everything. She adores the pride in the way Jaehaera stands, the confidence in her demeanor, and the assurance in her voice.

If someone was to ask who she wanted to be when she grew up, it’d be Jaehaera.

So basically, is super proud of how fluid Jaehaera is in her identity, sexuality or not. She loves how Jaehaera doesn’t allow herself to be constricted to standards of court, and it gives her hope that she does not have to follow that path either.

And don’t get me wrong, Baela doesn’t want to sleep around per say, as I said, she and Jace are smitten. But she doesn’t feel guilty when she does find herself attracted to other lords of court. Just like she doesn’t feel ashamed for her affinity for swordsmanship. She’s not afraid to be different, and she’s not afraid to be adventurous.

She would definitely openly talk about her attractions with everyone she trusts. She’s an open book about things like that, because she likes to share. She believes it makes her closer to those she loves. Of course she keeps specifics to herself if it’s her father or Rhaenyra— she knows that they wouldn’t exactly want to hear that she (when she’s older and closer to a marriage appropriate age) wants to ride Jace like he’s her personal dragon. Or that she dreams of kissing him against the edge of the walls of Driftmark.

But she’s a totally open book when around Jaehaera and Rhaena— even to Jace. She often thanks Jaehaera for her boldness when she whispers dirty secrets and ideas into Jace’s ear as they train.

And while the idea of having children doesn’t overwhelm her with joy, Baela cannot help but feel happy when thinking of Jace with a child of her own. Their heir, by ways of their choosing.

She feels most liberated like this, and she thanks Jaehaera every day for giving her the role model to look up to.

Rhaena

Rhaena knows everything. Let’s get this squared away. She knows about sex, not just anatomy but everything else that’s should come with it.

Why you may ask?

Cause she asked Jaehaera about all of it, and Jaehaera answered every single one until her heart was content.

She’s curious. More so than even her sister, the difference between the two being that she’s more kept to herself with things of that nature. She’s not outspoken like Baela, though she admires her sister for it, Rhaena likes having secrets of her own.

She find power in her elegant sensuality when she wishes to use it, taking after her mother in that regard.

Rarely does she discuss it as she gets older. Occasionally she may giggle and share with her sister or Jaehaera, but she’s much more reserved.

However, she would still discuss matters like these with Lucerys, claiming it’s important for their future. But secretly she also loves the blush that overcomes his voice.

She tells him what she likes to do on her own, she she likes him to do, guiding him gently— differing from Baela who all but orders Jace around (it’s okay he likes it).

She also confessed that she feel attracted to both lords and ladies, confiding in Jaehaera first before telling Lucerys.

She knows there’s nothing wrong with it, growing up watch Jaehaera and her mother, and any other women surrounding them. And since she’s watched her fathers acceptance of the behavior her whole life, she’s held a standard in her heart for the man she would be to marry. Luckily, she was overjoyed when it turned out to be Lucerys. She felt no fear around him.

She’s never forget the confusion on his cute face when she first told him.

“That’s fine. You know it’s fine right? You weren’t scared of telling me we’re you? I’d never—,”

She shut him up with a kiss and told him she loved him.

Lucerys smiled with pink cheeks for the rest of the day.

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inanimatefan1 · 8 months

Text

Did not go as planned (Collage roommate Sneaker TF Story) PART 3 (a new Beginning)

Years have passed, and the pile of worn sneakers in the corner has grown considerably. One day, Tyler stands in front of his wardrobe, contemplating the mountain of shoes. "This is getting out of hand," he mutters to himself. He retrieves his football bag from the floor, still carrying the scent of countless practices, games, and locker rooms. He starts to fill it with the worn sneakers, and as I find myself being lifted and placed into the bag, a wave of nostalgia washes over me. I sense the presence of all the other sneakers, each with their own history, their own scent, their own connection to Tyler. Tyler zips up the bag and hoists it over his shoulder. "Time to give them a second life," he says, almost as if he's talking to us. For a moment, I wonder where we're going. A thrift store? A recycling center? Somewhere else? Either way, I find myself excited about this next chapter. The bag sways as Tyler walks, each step he takes a reminder of all the steps he's taken in each of us. Finally, Tyler stops walking. He unzips the bag and starts to pull us out one by one. It turns out he's at a local charity where worn but usable items are refurbished and given to those in need. As I get lifted out of the bag and placed into a new pile, I can't help but feel a sense of rebirth. I may no longer serve Tyler, but I can serve someone else, carry someone else's dreams and steps.

As I adjust to the new surroundings, Tyler turns to leave. "Take care of them. They've been good to me," he tells the volunteer, smiling. And just like that, he's gone, leaving me and the others behind for our second life. Yet even as he walks away, a part of him remains with each of us—memories woven into fabric, history imprinted onto soles. Even as I prepare for my new journey, I know I'll always be a part of Tyler's story, just as he will always be a part of mine.

As I'm placed on a workbench along with the other sneakers, I can't help but feel a sense of anticipation. The charity staff really take their mission to heart, giving each of us worn-out sneakers a new lease on life. First comes the cleaning process. I've never experienced anything like it. Powerful yet gentle solvents wash away the accumulated grime, and brushes scrub into crevices I'd forgotten existed. I start to feel lighter, refreshed. The next stage is the polishing, and as I'm buffed and shined, I can see a transformation taking place. What were once signs of wear and age are now marks of character; I've gone from worn-out to vintage. Special equipment reinforces my weakened soles, patches up my frayed fabric, and revitalizes my faded colors. The smell of Tyler still lingers faintly within me, but it's now mixed with a clean, almost new aroma. One by one, each of us gets tagged and entered into the charity system, marked for a new chapter. And as I consider the future, I can't help but feel optimistic. We, all 20 pairs that once belonged to Tyler, will soon be gracing the feet of teenagers and young adults who turn to the charity for support. Each of us will become a part of new stories, new lives. As I'm placed on a shelf with other revitalized sneakers, waiting for someone to choose me, I find myself thinking about what comes next. Whose life will I be a part of? What new adventures await? While I'll always cherish my time with Tyler, I can't help but feel eager for what lies ahead.

Did not go as planned (Collage roommate Sneaker TF Story) PART 4 (Alex)

As Alex slips his foot into me, I immediately sense the difference between him and Tyler. Alex's socks are clearly worn, much more so than Tyler's ever were, and I can tell his family has had to prioritize other needs over new clothing. But as he laces me up, there's an unmistakable feeling of joy and satisfaction emanating from him. His mother watches, clearly relieved to find good-quality sneakers for her son at such a symbolic price. The staff at the charity store, seeing the family's genuine need, go the extra mile to make sure they have everything they need, from clothing to household items. All sold at minimal cost, giving the family a sense of ownership while still helping them in their time of need. "Mom, look, they fit perfectly!" Alex exclaims, taking a few steps to test me out. His mother smiles, her eyes shining with a mix of relief and gratitude.

"Looks like we've found your new sneakers," she says, confirming what I already sensed: I've found my new owner. As we leave the charity store, I can't help but feel a sense of purpose rejuvenated within me. While Tyler's college journey had its own excitement, the path ahead with Alex feels just as significant, albeit in a different way. Alex and his family head home, and the moment we step through their front door, he eagerly puts me on again. This time, I'm paired with another one of his worn socks, but I don't mind. I know that in no time, I'll grow to love the unique scent and feel of being Alex's sneakers just as much as I loved being Tyler's.

From the moment I became Alex's go-to pair of sneakers, I notice the meticulous care with which both he and his mother treat their belongings. For them, every item holds value because they don't know when they'll be able to replace it. Unlike Tyler, who had the luxury of multiple options and frequent replacements, Alex wears me every day—to school, to play, to run errands with his mom. I become well-acquainted with every type of terrain, from asphalt to dirt paths to linoleum floors. The wear and tear is inevitable, of course, but Alex and his mother do their best to mitigate it. They clean me regularly, wiping away the day's grime and occasionally applying a little polish to keep me looking presentable. I can tell that they're trying to extend my lifespan as much as possible. Over time, I adapt to the unique demands of being Alex's only pair of sneakers. I find myself not just becoming a part of his life but a necessity, a constant in a world that doesn't offer him many. The soles of my fabric may wear thin, and my laces may fray, but the sense of purpose I feel only grows stronger.

As Alex's everyday sneakers, I quickly become attuned to the rhythm of his life—a life much more demanding than Tyler's. Each day after school, Alex heads to the small grocery store where he works, and I can sense the fatigue setting in as he stands for hours, stocking shelves and managing inventory. I do my best to offer support, cushioning his steps and absorbing the strain of long hours on his feet. He hardly has any free time; what little he does have is often spent taking care of his siblings or helping his mother with chores. And yet, despite the challenges and worries that fill his days, Alex never complains. His resilience impresses upon me a deep sense of admiration and respect.The wear and tear on me becomes more apparent as the weeks roll by. The soles start to thin, the fabric bears the marks of long days and hard work, and my inner padding becomes increasingly compressed. Yet, Alex and his mother continue their regimen of care, cleaning and polishing me regularly, doing their best to keep me functional for as long as possible. Every step Alex takes in me feels weighted with responsibility and tinged with hope. I find a new form of honor in being the support system for someone who has to be strong not just for himself, but for his family as well. While I can't change the circumstances of Alex's life, I can offer him the small comfort and reliability that comes with a good pair of sneakers. In this way, I do my best to help him, to absorb the shocks and stresses of his busy, challenging life. Though I'm just a pair of shoes, I feel like I'm contributing something meaningful to Alex's world, even if he doesn't know it. As I feel myself adapting to the unique demands of being his one and only pair, I find that the value and importance of my role have never been clearer. In Alex's world, where each day brings new challenges, being a reliable pair of sneakers is more than just a function—it's a privilege.

Part 3/4 of 7

#inanimate tf #inanimate transformation #inanimate object #male transformation #inanimate sneakers

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lizzie-is-here · 2 years

Text

like the dawn

part iv- the train and the plane

“i don’t know who sold the homeland, but i know who paid the price” - mahmoud darwish

summary: you lose everything in the span of two weeks, left with nothing at all. not even bodies to bury.

wordcount: 3.8k

warnings: cussing, violence, death, mourning, lack of closure, angst, i cried twice while writing this

a/n: i really hope u guys like this one 🥺 i know the last few haven’t been the most exciting but i promise it’s going somewhere 😩 love u all <3

taglist: @whelvedfeelingsstuff @sebsgirl71479 @rebloggingmyrecs @babyblublossom @local-mr-frog @thenyxsky @capsiclesdoll

previous part | series masterlist | next part

In the distance, you heard a train. The cold air carried the sound of creaking tracks all throughout the mountains, winding through the snow.

Jacque shook his head. “Let’s get going, because they’re moving like the devil.”

Steve stepped up and clamped a hook onto the wire. “We only got about a 10-second window,” he said. “You miss that window, we’re bugs on a windshield.”

“Mind the gap,” one huffed. You nodded, readying your hook.

“Better get moving, bugs!” Dugan yelled.

And with that, you were off. Gliding through the air and gripping on for dear life as you approached the train.

As soon as the black exterior was within the right distance, you dropped down, clinging to the roof and laying down. Once the coast was clear, you stood and began to shakily make your way to an entrance.

Steve quickly found a ladder and led you and Bucky inside as Gabe kept watch. It was eerily quiet the moment the brunet shut the door behind him, the train car falling silent.

You all stalked forward, the shield, the bow, and the gun, all on edge. After Schmidt, you weren’t sure what horrors you would face.

Steve went ahead to check another room as you and Bucky stayed behind him, watching his six. However, the moment he crossed the threshold, the doors slammed shut.

Through the window, you could see a metal suit with weapons that glowed blue confronting Steve. Behind you and your other friend, a handful of guards appeared.

Bucky shot at them as you ducked, cursing your hands as they fumbled for an arrow. The cold had seeped into your fingers, slowing your movement.

As soon as you nocked a particularly sharp arrow, you drew it back and stood back up, waiting until one popped out from behind the shelf. You didn’t hesitate to strike him down, ducking once more as the shooting resumed.

The seemingly endless gunfire echoed around the enclosed space, deafening you and Bucky. The guards stayed safe behind their helmets.

Loud banging erupted from the room behind you, and your mind instantly went to Steve. All he had was a handgun and a shield. A bullet lodging right above your head jolted you back to the fight.

Bucky grabbed his own handgun and rushed across the car to your hiding spot, and you wrapped an arm around him to tug him down. Only one soldier remained, and he was unleashing hell.

The brunet’s gun was out before you knew it, and your arrows were at a disadvantage in the cramped car. You loaded one anyways, both of you shaking as you realized that you were locked in.

Just as you were about to stand up, the door opened. Steve held up a gun and tossed it to Bucky, then nodded to the arrow in your bow. A firecracker, according to Stark.

After years, you understood his plan perfectly. You shot first, driving the guard behind the materials in the center, then Steve ran forward to slam a giant metal pipe at him. The moment the man appeared, he was shot down by Bucky.

“I had him on the ropes,” the latter grumbled.

Steve snarked back. “I know you did.”

You were going to roll your eyes and tell your boys to move along the train, head to the front, and grab the doctor as planned, but fate said otherwise. The man in the machine that Steve had first taken down fired into your train car, and while the blond protected all of you with the shield, it blasted you back.

You slammed into the wall on the far end, groaning as you reoriented yourself. The howling wind was back, and the reason was made clear when you saw the gaping hole in the side of the train.

And Bucky laying dangerously close to the edge.

You saw the scene in slow motion. The guard was aiming for Steve. A direct hit would kill him. As you tried to sit up, your vision blurred.

What happened next would be burned into your mind, haunting you even if the details would be slowly lost.

Bucky rose, shield and gun in hand, firing at the machine. All it took was one blast, and he was thrown outside of the train. With a weak scream and a rush of adrenaline, you ran to the edge as Steve took the man down.

He was clinging onto some rebar, eyes wide and full of fear as his knuckles paled. You reached out with one hand, your stomach dropping at the distance.

“Bucky! Grab my hand!” you yelled, straining as you inched out on the train. Steve joined you, climbing out as well as he screamed for you to be careful, to get you both back to safety.

You grabbed a bar above you, swinging up and much closer to the Sergeant. He was an arm’s reach away, and you held out your bow for him to grab onto.

Your footing slipped, and for a moment, your heart dropped. But then you scrambled back to safety, gasping as your brain caught up to your body.

“Stay there!” Steve yelled, extending a hand. Bucky reached for it, determined as ever. You were so close to being done. Done with your fight. Done with the war.

The rebar creaked, ripping away from the body of the train.

And James Barnes fell.

You weren’t sure if any one of you screamed. Every inch of you was focused on watching your best friend of two decades plummet through the air.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Steve look away.

But you couldn’t.

———————————————————————

To say that you and Steve were in grief would be a disgusting understatement.

For the days after retrieving Zola and returning to base, your grief poured from you. Every waking moment was spent poring over every detail from that damn train.

Steve blamed himself, mostly. Blamed himself for not reaching him. For bringing him along.

And as for you? You didn’t utter a word. You didn’t cry, didn’t scream. You stayed silent long after you got back to camp, handed off the doctor, and returned to a tent.

You stayed silent for the raid, and you stayed silent when you and Steve wandered into a bombed-out bar with a bottle of whiskey.

It was only there, when you two were completely alone, that you spoke after a week and a half.

“It’s not your fault,” you whispered to the Captain. You held up a hand when he tried to rebuff you. “It’s mine, Steve.”

Your eyes finally watered as you sat down next to him, leaning into his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around you. “He- he never enlisted,” you said, knowing he would pick up your insinuation.

“…He was drafted,” Steve sighed, choking up.

You nodded. “If I’d just… told him to tell you, maybe he could’ve applied for some sort of-“ Your words failed and died as a sob ripped through you.

“He was scared.” Those words seemed to finally break Steve. He buried his head in your shoulder, shaking and feeling smaller than he ever was before the serum.

“He never got a choice.”

As you cried, you reached for the bottle and flung away the cap. You took a swig directly from the bottle, passing it to Steve even though you knew he couldn’t get drunk.

No harm in pretending. No harm in pretending Bucky was still here. No harm in pretending that your only options were now to go home and live in this hell or to die.

One seemed more pleasant.

“It was both of our faults,” Steve mumbled. Maybe deep down, you both knew there wasn’t anything you could’ve done to change the outcome. That the blame didn’t fall on either of you.

Grief didn’t care about logic or reason, though. However, vengeance did.

“We’re going after Schmidt.” His words were decisive. “I’m not gonna stop until all of HYDRA is dead or captured.”

“I’ll let you kill him if I get to put an arrow through his chest first.”

He held up his pinkie. You linked it with yours.

And the absence was heavier than ever.

———————————————————————

“Johann Schmidt belongs in a bughouse. He thinks he’s a god, and he’s willing to blow up half the world to prove it, starting with the USA.”

You watched with tired eyes from your spot beside Steve as Colonel Phillips gestured to a map. Howard Stark joined the table.

“Schmidt is working with powers beyond our capabilities. He gets across the Atlantic, he will wipe out the entire Eastern Seaboard in an hour,” he warned.

Steve set down his paper, exchanging a glance with you.

“How much time we got?” Gabe asked. Phillips’ response was less than ideal. You had less than 24 hours.

A commotion broke out, but Steve’s voice carried. “Where is he now?”

“In the Alps, 500 feet below the surface.”

Morita took the picture. “So what are we supposed to do? I mean, it’s not like we can just knock on the front door.”

“Why not?” you deadpanned. Heads turned. None of them but Steve had heard you speak since that mission. “That’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

———————————————————————

Steve sped down a trail in the woods on his motorcycle, with you clinging onto his back.

Neither of you said a word when several HYDRA agents on motorcycles began to trail you, you simply drew back your bow and loaded an arrow. At your request, Howard had upped the lethality of your arrows.

You fired into the middle, not flinching as the resulting explosion knocked several agents from their bikes.

Steve swerved as they fired towards you, weaving through the woods. From there, he began to take the remaining agents out one by one.

After eliminating the last guard, you sped toward the HYDRA base, not stopping as a tank fired blue beams of energy toward you. You aimed another arrow at the bottom of the tank, smashing it to bits before diving off the bike.

You ran up the slanted barricade as Steve barreled through the flames and rubble. Shooting down guards from the shadows, you carefully targeted some of them aiming more lethal blows. All you needed was a quick catch-and-release.

He continued to take on as many HYDRA soldiers as he could find. If you noticed the added brutality, you didn’t comment on it. You understood his reasoning. Each shot you fired, you dedicated to Bucky. And every shot connected.

Steve’s abandoned motorcycle crashed into the wall, exploding in a cloud of fire and smoke. When two more of the men in machines appeared, you tensed. They looked similar to the one on the train.

When plumes of fire spouted from the blasters on their arms, surrounding Steve, you grabbed your radio and ran through the trees.

“It’s going to plan,” you whispered into the device. “Are you in position?”

“Ready to give ‘em hell, Agent,” Dugan affirmed. With that, you followed the HYDRA soldiers as they surrounded Steve, leading him into the building.

You snuck through the empty hallways, keeping your distance and shooting down cameras. Silently, you hid, waiting right outside of the main room of the base. You could hear Schmidt talking.

“Arrogance may not be a uniquely American trait, but I must say, you do it better than anyone.” No response followed. “But there are limits to what even you can do, Captain. Or did Erskine tell you otherwise?”

“He told me you were insane.” You sighed in relief at his sass. He wasn’t hurt too bad if he could still snark back.

The Red Skull heaved a sigh. “He resented my genius and tried to deny me what was rightfully mine. But he gave you everything. So, what made you so special?”

A chuckle. “Nothing,” Steve said. “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.” The next thing you heard were punches being thrown and the blond coughing. You refrained from busting into the room, instead resorting to peeking in.

Steve was on his knees, glaring in defiance at the mutilated man. “I can do this all day.”

“Of course you can, of course. But unfortunately, I am on a tight schedule.” The moment he aimed a gun, you stepped out, bow drawn. You smirked at the shock on his face.

“So am I.”

You fired, knocking the gun from his hand as the rest of the Commandos crashed through the windows.

Gunfire ensued, Nazi soldiers dropping almost instantly under the rain of hellfire. Schmidt himself ran, winding through the corridors as you all followed.

The march of footsteps echoed, and you grabbed your radio.

“We’re in! Assault team, go!” you barked. Moments later, alarms rang through the base. Phillips and Peggy led the charge as hundreds of Allied soldiers charged the building.

You followed Steve as he dashed through after Schmidt. The man fired blue beams of energy, but the shield deflected the otherworldly attacks.

The blond threw his shield, which ricocheted and held open the door long enough for you both to slip inside. But between you and the door was another one of the men wielding flamethrowers.

You winced from the heat, but you were soon saved. Peggy Carter unleashed her wrath and dozens of bullets into the suit, nodding to you both as a team followed behind her.

“You’re late,” Steve quipped.

She raised a brow, unimpressed. “Aren’t you supposed to…” She trailed off, gesturing to the hallway.

“Right.” You both ran off, with you ducking under the shield first and Steve ripping it from the door shortly after. With nothing to keep it open, you were locked in. Again.

A massive jet, more sleek and advanced than any you’d ever seen, sat in the hangar. The Valkyrie. Schmidt’s ugly-ass head stood out against the black as he scrambled into the plane. Moments later, the thrusters fired.

Between you and the ship, however, was a war waging between the two sides. Steve took to the air as you snuck through the fighting, ducking and dodging best you could.

Thanks to the serum, your friend was far ahead of you. The sound of a car engine nearby caused you to look up.

Phillips and Peggy were behind the wheel of Schmidt’s very expensive car, speeding down the runway and directly towards you. They slowed down just enough for you to hop in before chasing after Steve.

“You can’t run everywhere!” you yelled as he hopped in.

The Valkyrie was too fast, increasing the distance between it and the car with every second. But not for long. The Colonel pressed a button, and you sped up drastically, wincing from the force.

The Captain stood up as you closed in on the plane, using his shield to block the propeller blades.

“Keep it steady!” he yelled.

You grabbed him. “Wait!” Passing him an arrow, you gave him a weak smile.

“Put it through his chest.” Wrapping your pinkie with his, you pleaded, “But come back to me.”

Steve leaped, and Phillips veered the car, barely stopping you three from falling off the edge. Immediately hopping from the swaying vehicle, you nodded back to the building, where most of the shooting had stopped.

Under the lead of the Howling Commandos the Allied forces had taken out or captured the HYDRA soldiers. As they rounded them up and confiscated weapons, you searched for the command center.

———————————————————————

Meanwhile, Steve was having a horrible time. He’d been thrown from the plane, hijacked an enemy jet, and seen dozens of nukes loaded and ready to blow multiple US cities to hell.

Now, he crept into the main room of the Valkyrie, eyeing the glowing blue device in the middle. He suspected Schmidt was at the helm, but was sorely mistaken when he heard a laser charging behind him.

He barely blocked the shot, and Schmidt clicked his tongue.

“You don’t know when to give up, do you?”

With a loud “Nope!”, he ran at the man, blocking more of those blue bursts of energy. They went punch for punch, blow for blow, tossing each other around the plane before Schmidt was tossed against the controls, causing the plane to careen downwards.

The Nazi managed to turn on autopilot before long, whipping around, gun in hand.

“You could have the power of the gods! Yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations!” he screamed. “I have seen the future, Captain! There are no flags!”

“Not my future,” Steve rebuffed. He threw the shield with all his might, knocking the Red Skull into the bright blue light. The machine whirred and presented the source: a glowing cube.

Dislodged from the machine, it sent out strikes of blue lightning. Schmidt grabbed it.

“What have you done?” he demanded. The cube began to glow brighter, projecting a stunning image of what looked like… Space? And then a scream.

Steve watched in horror as Schmidt’s body began to burn away. In a blinding beam of light, he disappeared, leaving behind the blue cube, which burnt through the floor of the ship.

Clambering into the seat, Steve caught a glimpse of the plane’s destination. New York City. Ahead, golden clouds spanned the horizon.

Back at the HYDRA base, you sat in the control room, anxiously staring at the radio.

“Come in. This is Captain Rogers. Do you read me?”

You sighed in relief. “Steve. Are you alright? What are your coordinates-“

On the other end, he nearly sobbed. He hated to do this to you. “(Y/N), Schmidt’s dead.”

“What about the plane?” you asked, chuckling lightly. “I know you can’t fly one.”

‘No, but I can crash one.’

He bit his tongue. “That’s a bit tougher to explain.”

“Ok, well, give us your coordinates. Peggy can find you a safe landing sight.”

His next words tore through you.

“There’s not gonna be a safe landing. But I can try and force it down.”

“No,” you whispered. Shaking your head, you ignored your vision blurring. “We can get Howard on the line. He’ll know what to do.”

“There’s not enough time. This thing’s moving too fast and it’s heading for New York.” He paused as the full reality of the situation sunk in. “I got to put her in the water.”

“Steve, no, please. We can work something out, I-“ Choking down a sob, you wiped your eyes furiously. You had cried too much in the past week. “I can’t lose you, too.”

You could hear him choke up on the other end, too.

“Right now I’m in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer, a lot of people are gonna die.”

“(Y/N), this is my choice.”

With that, he pressed the controls forward, stomach dropping as the plane careened from the sky.

“(Y/N)?” He sounded small. Scared.

“I’m here, Stevie.”

“I need you to move on.”

No. You had lived your whole life as part of a trio. You couldn’t go it alone. You didn’t know how.

“Steve, please. I… I can’t lose you and Bucky. Not like this.”

He never tore his eyes away from the approaching ground, even as tears fell. “I know. I’m sorry. I know he is, too.”

You curled in on yourself. “Give him hell for me, okay?”

“I will,” he chuckled. “Can’t let him get away with that-“

The radio cut, and you were left with nothing.

Nothing but the soft crackle of the radio.

———————————————————————

You never went back home. You mailed a letter to Bucky’s sister and ma, and then holed yourself up in the base in New Jersey that became Peggy and Howard’s base of operations.

If losing Bucky was hell, you weren’t sure what this is.

Because for the first time in over two decades, you were completely, utterly alone.

What made matters worse is that you didn’t have bodies to bury. While Howard was looking for The Valkyrie, his efforts were unsuccessful. You couldn’t even lay your boys to rest.

The following week was spent scraping for every memory you had of the two and putting them down on paper. And then, when you filled up three whole journals, you began to write what you wished you’d said.

Particularly that you’d loved them both.

You stored those more personal letters in a lockbox. Dozens of pages of messily scrawled words, tossed and shoved away on a shelf in the barracks.

And around you, life moved on. The world mourned the loss of Captain America and one of the Howling Commandos, but you seemed to be the only one mourning Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes.

You wanted to give them a proper funeral. To put names to the heroes.

You weren’t even left with their bodies.

It ate at you, recurring every day and slowly pushing you to the brink.

Until one night.

———————————————————————

You had had enough. The nights of not sleeping. The pitied looks. The crying. The grief that was eating you alive and that you were sure would consume you whole.

So you grabbed your bow and quiver, ran to the runway, and hijacked the first plane you saw.

You knew nothing about flying planes. But you knew how to improvise.

Pulling up the location, you grabbed your map, scanning the Swiss Alps. You knew where Bucky fell.

Everyone was looking for Captain America. No one was looking for him.

It was almost a day of flying before you reached that same train track. The hike from your landing spot and down into the ravine was even worse.

But as you wandered the frozen land, you were on a mission. You pushed through the cold, knowing you had to be close, praying to anything out there that you could receive some piece of mind.

But when you got to a spot in the snow that looked different, all you saw was blood. And lots of it.

There wasn’t a body.

Your heart jumped in your chest. Bucky could be alive. The oppressive cold warned otherwise, but there wasn’t any denying that he’d survived the fall.

The faint trail of red wound further down the path, and as you followed it, you noticed other things. Like tire tracks where the blood stopped.

And footsteps behind you. You whipped around, bow drawn, only to find a small man in a lab coat. The doctor.

You eyed him up and down, frowning.

“How did you get here?” you asked, biting out the words. “Where is Bucky?”

“The Allies decided I was too valuable to kill, Ms. (L/N). And much like me, so was the Sergeant. He’s alive.”

“Then where. Is. He,” you spat, only getting closer.

“Put the bow down,” he proposed. “And I’ll take you to him.”

Well, that was an offer you couldn’t turn down. You obliged, turning to nod down the trail.

“Where are we-“

A sharp prick stabbed into your neck and you hissed, whirling around only to watch the cliffs blur. Your arms weakened, dropping your weapon as you stumbled.

More footsteps sounded from behind you, and two sets of arms grabbed yours.

Zola leaned in, a wicked smirk on his face.

“HYDRA.”

#marvel #marvel x reader #x reader #avengers x reader #steve rogers #bucky barnes #steve rogers x female reader #steve rogers x reader #captain america: the first avenger #captain america x reader #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader angst #bucky x reader angst #bucky x reader #40s stucky

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poesbeforeprose · 2 days

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Chapter 4:

Hours passed. The house was incredibly silent between the two of us, but eventually when Price returned I fulfilled my mission.

“What did you do to her?” He asked while putting out his cigar with his boot.

I was sitting on the back porch when they arrived. My fingers fumbled with the buckles on my med bag as I picked through the thoughts racing in my mind. I looked up with a smirk, “Just was my annoying self is all.”

“Copy.” He said with a chuckle. Soap and Ghost passed with a nod each and I was once again alone outside.

The sun was now setting over the mountains to the west and it cast long shadows like fingers across the land. I plucked the wooden step underneath me until I could feel the flakes shatter under my nail. There was a comfort in the rhythmic sensation and I sighed heavily. Who was I kidding? Why would I press her so much when I hardly even know her? I’ve spoken to her for a total of barely an hour so the crushing feeling I felt turn in my ribs made me feel foolish. I hung my head between my knees and groaned.

The thought of her alone was intoxicating. I could still envision her dark eyes on me, studying my face and watching my hands attentively. I closed my eyes and thought of a world where I could’ve stayed behind that night in the hospital room with her. I could’ve waited for her to wake and had a proper conversation with her. Maybe, somewhere in this world of make believe we would’ve had coffee. Maybe I could’ve convinced her how beautiful she is as well as being one of the most deadly women I had ever met. A slight tingle on the back of my neck danced across my skin. I let my mind wander for a little too long and when it came to a head, the door behind me shifted.

“Chow time.” Soap muttered. I kicked against the steps and marched inside to whatever came next.

Dinner passed without much of us saying a thing. Although the group themselves could be as chatty as they wanted, I felt like the awkwardness grew nevertheless. Nyx herself didn’t leave her room until Ghost got up and disappeared for a moment. When he returned she was behind him then sat silently a few chairs down from me. I had to get it together because as soon as that raven hair turned the corner my heart pounded against my ribs and I almost choked. I quickly focused all the strength I could to not die from embarrassment.

I managed to pry a few questions from them. Favorite songs, movie references, things we would prefer to do with our free time. It was like pulling teeth with them as I was the odd man out in their little cohort. I internally sighed at the frustration of it all. I couldn’t imagine a place where they could be a team with me along for the ride. I just didn’t fit in at all with them. The only thing I cared about, I realized, was that woman sitting less than eight feet from me. I didn’t care about titles or medals or stories of valor; it was her I wanted. I kept my eyes fixed on my plate before me thinking of all the things I wish I could say to her about this afternoon, but in the end it was not my place.

About two hours after we all left for our rooms, a small knock came from my door. I sat up in bed, my journal resting across my chest and saw the curve of light underneath the door. Another short, sharp knock came and I got up without a word. I cracked my door just a few inches and my heart fell to the floor again. Nyx, framed in the soft amber light of the living room behind her, was looking at the floor. My lips began to part but she spoke first.

“Sorry. For slapping you.”

I couldn’t mask my surprise as my lips parted further as I inhaled sharply. My heart rate thrusting forward within me. I tried to find the words but then she looked up at me with something in her eyes I didn’t expect; honesty. I was falling inside myself over and over. The soles of my feet seemed to melt into the floor as our eyes met. Time seemed to stand still and I tried to decipher her thoughts through facial expressions alone. I took the time to steal glances as her lips, her cheekbones, and her exquisite jawline. I never in a million years expected her to ask forgiveness yet here she was three feet away.

“I uh…it’s okay.” I stammered. “I shouldn’t have said anything to begin with.”

Her eyes narrowed a bit. I could tell she was studying as much as I was studying her in this moment. A mental chess match neither one of us wanted to play or be involved in. However, given the circumstance of us standing within breathing distance, her eyes danced across my face again and then back to my eyes.

“You were just expressing good bedside manner.” She finally said. Very clever Nyx. I couldn’t help but grin lightly.

“Well, I still don’t know why I’m here but I can at least be nice about it.”

Her eyes fell to the floor for a moment, “Sorry. I was impulsive. I made the demand for you specifically.”

Although it was already known without being said, I still could feel my brain rocket into the stratosphere. Her voice alone admitting the smallest of difficulties to me was more than enough. My breath hitched in my chest for a beat before I could respond.

“Is there any particular reason for that? There are plenty other medics out there.”

The silence between us was palpable. While she continued to stare at the floor willing the words to bubble up, I took this opportunity to bask in her beauty. She was smaller than me sure, but a tight coil of muscle ran beneath her skin. Her training and resilience showing through was tantalizing. Her lips curved delicately and I itched within to just hear her speak. I decided then that I just loved to hear her speak. Traveling south, I noticed a slight slump in her shoulders, mental weight she had either burdened herself with or been burdened with from her past. I would stand here forever until we were both nothing but piles of dust waiting for her to speak.

“I remembered waking up briefly in the hospital room. I remembered hearing your voice.”

Everything in me wished to curl up and die from embarrassment at that moment. Oh god it was not my finest moment.

“Oh? What did you hear?”

Nyx smiled shyly, “Your friend wasn’t impressed with your courage.”

I’m going to kill him. Whenever I get back to the states and back on base I will throttle him until he turns blue.

“Oh, oh that’s just, great.” I fought to admit. Her little smirk had crept up my spine and wormed its way into my brain. To see her smile although it was at my misfortune. She brush a small tuft of hair behind her left ear. Suddenly her scent of lavender and bourbon was on me again. My legs buckled for a moment as my thighs tightened.

“It wasn’t that bad. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She admitted.

I shook my head trying to right myself, “It’s okay. I just was worried. Not every day you see a cadaver come alive.”

Her eyes flashed up at me again and my throat closed up, “I guess you’re right. I’m so used to making them that I never expected myself to be one eventually.”

“It’s a great callsign though. I gotta admit. Could be worse.”

Nyx smirked again and cocked an eyebrow, “Like Odie?”

“Like Odie.” I agreed. We shared a small laugh and I felt the tension break. Silence again between the three feet space between us. I couldn’t help but feel a burning desire to just close the gap and make promises I would never keep.

I looked down her slender build again. Her feet were slightly inward as she stood there. She had arrived at my door with nothing but a tank top and shorts on and it was driving me wild to imagine what she shared with her mirror. And Simon, my mind echoed. I stiffened in my spot and the conversation between heart and brain became so cold I could barely breathe. I couldn’t even process the taper of her waist as her top hugged her ever so delicately. My eyes processed that she indeed didn’t have a bra on given the late hour.

“I asked the nurse about you the next day. I kept my intentions with me until I knew enough. I read your file. What made you stop pursuing special operations?” She finally said after a minute. It took me a little longer than I wanted because a wave of disappointment had hit me from the last mental hurdle. I shook my head and shrugged.

“Some people are cut out for it. I guess I wasn’t. It’s more my job to fix people and help them heal.”

Her face became sullen. “Unlike me. I leave people broken or buried.”

Silence again. I exhaled in a chuckle, “What a pair we are then. Life and death, the age old friendship.”

Her eyes met mine again and I felt heat rising from the soles of my feet. It was aggravating how this woman I barely knew could have so much emotional control over me. I didn’t want to admit or be dramatic, but I would go through Hell for her. Not because of some grand, sweeping gesture of love or desire, but because it just seemed like the right thing to do. The longer I looked into her eyes, the more internal strife I could sense. A secret she buried long ago and was the primary line of defense between her and everyone else.

“I don’t have many friends. Never really made time for them given the circumstance.”

“You have Simon.” I interjected. A flinch from her made me withdraw any additional comment.

Nyx shifted in her spot. Her eyes flicked behind her for a moment and my mind made the connection. The moan. The dinner. The silent guardian who went by the callsign that would strike fear in the hearts of millions. Oh God, I’ve fallen for forbidden fruit. Nyx pulled me from my living nightmare with a whisper.

“That’s true, but he has his own demons to face. We all do.”

I was torn between seeing this as an opportunity yet seeing it as a lost cause. “That’s true. We are human after all.” I muttered.

Nyx sighed, having an internal conversation of her own. “You’re insufferable.”

“Mom always said I was hopelessly optimistic. Part of the reason why I couldn’t hack it in spec ops.” I cast my gaze downward for a moment. She jolted through my senses as she took half a step forward.

“It’s admirable. That little glimmer of hope is what drives a lot of operators to see another day. We could use more of it on some missions.”

“Is that why I’m here? Hopeless optimism?” I said crossing my arms. Nyx rolled her eyes. The first sign that I was chipping away at that last bastion of her inner defenses.

“No. We have a mission for you. Well, specifically, I have a mission for you.”

My face went slack. I could feel my brow scrunch together in shock, “Excuse me?”

Her voice became silent, almost breathless and I strained to hear her, “I have a plan to smoke out a target. I’ve had a mission within a mission for some time now.”

I raised my palms, “I feel like I shouldn’t be hearing this. This seems extremely dangerous.”

Nyx stepped closer to me, her voice low and breathy, “Trust me. You’re in good hands. I know this is going to work. I needed a medic who could help me. You’ve done that. Now, I’m just asking for one last thing.”

My heart rate was through the roof now. I knew my pulse was apparent in my neck because she glanced sharply at the throbbing vein there. She looked up and smiled, “You don’t have to be nervous or anything. I’m not asking you to kill anyone. That’s my job.”

“Nyx what are you doing. Does Price know about this?”

Her face turned into a small grin, “He knows as much as I need him too. This idea is a gamble more than anything.” At the thought alone, of her being in her element once again, she lightly bit her lip. My cock strained against my shorts at the gesture. Once again, I got the feeling that she was aware of the effect she had on me. I couldn’t tell however, if she loved having me trapped here or if she was enjoying the idea of being back in the field.

#fanfic #longing #romance #slow burn

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austronautcirca1147 · 1 year

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🥕 Little "first page" of a short story

I hope it makes sense. If not, I hope, at least, the writing is yummy.

"Could you even try to be any slower?” Tremor drawls slowly in his creaky voice. The Wasted jumps at the sudden noise.

Mutt rolls his eyes, growls back tauntingly through gritted fangs, “Could you?”

“Shut up, you lot. Let’s get a move on, already. I’m famished.” The Wendigo’s dark eye sockets, gaping holes in his skull, seem to gleam with impatience.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. You’re always starving, Glutton, we know.” The snide chuckles are quickly silenced by the annoyed gnashing of teeth.

A hard tug on the locked doors, the rattling of metal echoing through the empty streets, and they are set briskly on their separate ways. Glutton and Tremor will be in the draughty, bleak dormitories by sundown. Mutt huffs at the thought, doesn’t watch them go.

He grumbles silently, I am not paid enough for my job, then snickers: I am hardly paid. The glittering gold that is spread so abundantly amongst Workers seems priceless, and it is. Everyone dies in death for it, but it is simply meaningless. That’s funny. Priceless. Price-less. How ironic. He chuckles to himself.

A nervous noise from somewhere behind Mutt does not startle him. There is nothing to care for in life: nothing to love, and thus nothing to fear. Annoyance churns alone inside him, then becomes amusement.

“Come along, bud. Ready to die?” Mutt turns, flicks his ear, motions for the Wasted to follow. The vague memory of an introduction surfaces briefly; he waves it away. The Wasted’s name is unimportant. Next sunrise, Mutt will be standing in the same place, uttering the same words.

The Wasted pauses, swallows, and tries to joke, “I- I think I’ve already done that, sir.”

Mutt barks loudly. “You funny thing,” he howls, “quit joking. Jokes aren’t for you lot. You still care.”

The Wasted fails to utter the strength to protest, and trudges behind Mutt, thinking there is nothing more to lose. Funny thing, Mutt remarks silently, quite funny, and so wrong. Just like all the others.

Mutt leads the Wasted through the affluent neighbourhood. Mutt had visited the dead before, in their bright, colourful, horrible world. The size of the houses on some unassuming hilltop had possibly been even larger than those he walked by now. He rolls his eyes at the memory: silly people. They even call themselves ‘alive’. I do not understand.

“These are sweet houses,” the Wasted remarks timidly. Mutt shrugs.

“They are.” His bland reply.

“Who could ever afford to live here?”

Mutt chuckles, mutters knowingly, “no one. No one ever affords it, funny thing. It is given to them freely.”

“How?” Even now, Greed is crawling through the Wasted’s words. Tremor would laugh so much they’d cause an earthquake, when I tell them this.

“So many questions.” Mutt laughs. “It is for those with small noses.” The Wasted reaches a hand up to its face wondrously.

“That’s hardly fair. People with, I dunno, big noses, I guess, didn’t choose to have them!”

Mutt needs not reply; they arrive at the Doorway, which is hardly a doorway at all, but simply the yawning mouth of a cave, whose inside is infinitely dark. The Wasted shivers.

“So.. this is it?”

“You seem unimpressed. What do you stall for? You may go back to ‘life’, now, like you lot have worked so hard for.”

“Yes, but..” The Wasted trails off, Mutt talking over his dawdling words. The Wasted thinks what all Wasteds think: why? Why live? What’s it worth? Mutt has heard too much of it.

“Go. You asked for this. You can come visit us anytime, though I wouldn’t care.” Impatient, he snaps at the pathetic Wasted, and the wretched thing flees into the cave.

He calls out after the Wasted, “You’ll soon find that our “death”, as you call it, is simply your “life”, with less lies.”

#original writing #writing #creative writing #thriller #postmodernist #postmodernism #my own work

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turnpage · 3 years

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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

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❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜  ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness. ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives? ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control. ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly. ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope — It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together. ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase. ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord. ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you. ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory. ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are. ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences. ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise. ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place? ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable. ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you. ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner. ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away. ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

#sentence starters #generate sentence prompts #rp meme #roleplay prompt #roleplay meme #prompt for writing #rp prompt #send emoji meme #long tw

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lacontroller1991 · 3 years

Text

Burnt Skies (Rick Flag x Fem!Reader)

@h-hxgirl

Requested by Anon: Saw this captain boomerang fanfic where he finds she's pregnant while they're on mission, I was wondering if you could maybe do something similar for Rick

Author's Note: He would be so protective of the reader fr fr, also this is gonna be angst angst angst so just beware

Warning: Death, pregnancy, language, blood, major character death, spoilers

“Hey (Y/N), you ready to go?” Rick’s voice echoed through the room before he halted, seeing you on the floor, head in the toilet.

“Yeah, give me a minute,” you replied weakly, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand and flushing the toilet.

“Are you sure? Are you feeling alright?” He asked, rubbing your back as you looked up at him with a small smile.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll meet you there,” nodding his head, he walked out the door with guns strapped to his body on his tac vest. Looking at your reflection, you noticed a slight greenish tint to your face. Ignoring the wave of nausea, you made your way out of the base and to the plane. Walking up the ramp, you took a seat next to Rick who looked at you with concern in his brown eyes.

“Baby, maybe you should sit this one out. You aren’t looking too hot,” he whispered in your ear as you brushed the notion off. After all, you did have a really bad gut feeling about this mission.

“I’m here. I’m going,” you stated firmly as he looked you over one more time before shrugging his shoulders, knowing it was of no use to argue with you.

----------

The plane ride was hell. With the criminals being loud and Harley’s non stop chatter accompanying your periodic bouts of nausea, you were ready to get the hell off of the plane and right into combat.

“Alright guy, get ready to drop,” Rick shouted as the cargo door opened to reveal water beneath you. Once he gave the signal, you jumped into the cool water and began to swim your way to the mainland, waiting for the rest of the team to catch up to you. After everyone, save for the Weasel, had made it to the shore, you glanced over to your boyfriend who was laying next to Harley.

“Hey guys, it’s me. I’m the guy who called you and I brought my friends,” Blackguard shouted into the open, raising his hands while ignoring the shouts coming from the rest of the team and your boyfriend, Waller’s distant cursing ringing in your ear. Next thing you know, there was gunfire in every direction and things went to chaos. You quickly sought shelter behind a rock and shot off a few rounds into the woods, hoping to take down some of the Corto Maltese soldiers. “(Y/N), watch out,” Rick shouted at you as you turned to see what he was talking about, but it was too late before a large piece of debris from one of the trees knocked you out cold.

You woke up to machines attached to your body. Feeling the bile rise in your throat, you tried to get out of the restraints and look for a place to dump the contents of your stomach. Suddenly a pan was placed in front of you and that was all you needed to release the bile. Groaning at the light, you looked around the room and was surprised to see a cleanish room which plenty of nurses occupied.

“Ah good, you’re awake,” a voice commented as a rough hand pulled your head back, forcing you to look up at one of the generals you were tasked to take out.

“What the hell are you doing to me?” You asked, squirming your body against the bed, trying to loosen some of the restraints.

“Mi amore, we are treating you. Seems you have caught a parasite,” he replied before summoning the nurse over to you, carrying a plate of food and some juice, “you’re government must really be struggling if they’re sending pregnant women into the field,” he mentioned as your blood ran cold.

“That’s impossible,” muttering to yourself, your head went fuzzy at the concept of you being pregnant. With Rick’s kid.

“On the contrary, when we brought in your friend and you, we noticed certain things,” motioning down to your stomach only brought awareness to the fact that you were practically naked in a room full of the enemy.

“Let me go,” you pleaded, pulling your arms as much as you could.

“I think not,” he replied before nodding to one of the nurses who moved to turn on a machine and attach it to your head. Screams of agony soon left your lips, blocking out the sudden spurts of gunfire in the halls.

----------

Harley laughed maniacally as she gunned down multiple soldiers, enjoying the way they were dropping to the floor. She needed to get out of there. She needed to find the others. After the last one dropped to the floor, she moved toward the door before hearing a piercing scream echo down the hallway.

“Sounds like someone’s having fun,” she ran her tongue against her teeth before skipping toward the scream. Slamming open the door, she raised the guns in her hand, ready to fire, until she saw you laying on the table surrounded by nurses.

“No one messes with Flag’s girl,” she muttered to herself before unloading the magazine in the room. All of the nurses slinked to the ground, covered in a pool of their own blood. Rushing over to you, Harley unstrapped the restraints and head piece before taking out the IV and looked for your clothes.

“Where the hell are ya clothes?” She asked, searching high and low before she found a bag filled with your bloody uniform. Helping you sit up, she noted the way you looked super frail but practically glowing at the same time.

“Harley,” you whispered out to her before passing out on her shoulder. “Awww, this would be really cute if not for the circumstances,” she stated out loud to herself, peering out of the window and seeing a guy in a helmet run across the street with Flag. Wait a minute, Flag! Running out the door, she ran around the corner before stopping in front of the two men.

“Hiya guys! What’s up?”

“We’re here to save you, is (Y/N) with you?” Rick asked with hope in his voice as Harley nodded, wrapping pale fingers around his wrist and dragging him back inside and through the pile of bodies she had claimed. At the sight of you, Rick ran to your side and hugged your limp body.

“What’s wrong with her?” He asked, fighting the tears that were beginning to surface.

“Don’t worry puddin’, she’s just asleep,” shrugging her shoulders, she left the room as you stirred, fluttering your eyes open.

“Rick?” You questioned as he rapidly nodded his head, placing kisses all along your face.

“Thank God you’re ok. I thought I lost you.”

“Rick, the doctors found something,” memories of the conversation you had moments ago replayed in your brain. You’re pregnant.

“I’m pregnant,” you whispered, mind still not comprehending the fact that you were pregnant. After all, you had been infertile most of your life. Avoiding his gaze, you waited for his response.

“How?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m going to be a dad,” he whispered, causing your head to snap up and see a smile play against his face.

“You want this? I don’t know if it’ll carry to term. You know that I’m infertile.” Placing his lips against yours, he pulled you into his arms, hugging you as close as he could to his body. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you kissed back before a throat clearing interrupted you.

“This is sweet and all, but we have a fucking monster to kill,” DuBois stated as you looked up at Rick who smiled.

“Stay here, I’ll come back and get you.”

“I’m not leaving your side,” you replied as he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“You’re pregnant. No way in living hell am I gonna allow you to do this. You’ll stay here and that’s an order,” you and he both hated when he had to pull his rank, but you realized it was necessary in cases like this.

“Just come back to me,” pulling his lips down against yours for what feels like the last time, you encoded this moment into your brain, remembering the way he tasted.

“For you? Always.”

----------

He should’ve known you were going to follow them into Jotunheim. Not only were you stubborn, but you still had that nagging feeling that something was going to happen. Sneaking past the military, you found a window and busted it open with your elbow before entering the building. Landing with a soft thud, you looked around the room and noticed Peacemaker going down a dark tunnel. Running after him, you made sure to stay hidden by the numerous pillars. Peering around the corner, you saw Ratcatcher standing next to Rick, however Peacemaker was pointing a gun at Rick.

“Nobody is saying what they did was right,” Peacemaker stated, hand unwavering.

“They experimented on children!” Rick yelled as more explosions went off in the distance.

“That information gets out and it causes an international incident. Keeping the peace is worth any price, including the life of a hero like yours, sir, so please. Don’t make me do this,” your stomach churned. You knew that Captain America wannabe was no good, and now your love might just pay the price. Suddenly, rocks collapsed all around you, obscuring your view of Rick and Peacemaker.

“No,” you whispered to yourself, picking up rocks and trying to make a hole for you to get your body through. Your efforts became faster the more you heard the two men grunting. After successfully digging a hole big enough for you, you crawled through as you heard something like porcelain shatter and choking.

“You mother fucker,” Rick stated through gritted teeth as you watched in slow motion, Peacemaker’s hand grasping a large shard.

“Rick!” You shouted out before tackling him off Christopher’s body, not getting out of the way soon enough as Peacemaker lodged the porcelain into your lower abdomen. “No!” Rick shouted as Peacemaker threw you off. In the distance somewhere, you heard a gun go off before hands wrapped around your body. “(Y/N)? (Y/N)?” Rick called to you but you couldn’t hear him, your mind venturing off.

----------

The sun lit your face through the blinds, dancing in your eyes and creating a multitude of hues, a warm body pressed against you.

“Morning sweetheart,” voice deep from slumber, Rick rubbed his eyes as he let out a yawn. Stretching in bed before your 5 year old daughter came running into the room.

“Mommy, daddy. It’s Christmas!” She squealed excitedly, waking up the baby that was next door.

“Yeah it is baby, you excited for your presents?” You asked as she rapidly nodded while Rick slid out of the bed.

“I’ll go grab little Digger,” he commented, kissing your forehead and your daughter’s head. Getting up, you went to grab a coffee before the doorbell rang. Moving to open it, you saw Harley’s painted face waiting for you with Nanaue, Cleo, Robert and Abner carrying presents.

“Merry Christmas dollface,” she exclaimed, pulling you in for a hug before running off to see her god daughter.

“Come in guys,” you motioned for them to enter as Rick rounded the corner, your 10 month old in his arms.

“So this is the little guy, huh?” Cleo asked as Sebastian waved a hand at the newborn, earning giggles from the baby.

“Yep, Digger Anthony Flag, meet your family,” Rick lifted up the baby’s arm, making him wave to everyone.

“I’m proud of you guys,” Robert commented, slapping a hand on Rick’s back as everyone shuffled into the living room, Nanaue taking up most of the space.

“Thanks man, it wouldn't have happened without you.”

“Alright, everyone ready for presents?” You asked the room with Harley by your side, Harleen in her arms. Rick placed Digger in Cleo’s arms before walking up to you and bringing you into his side.

“I love you, Mrs. Flag.”

“And I you, Mr. Flag.”

----------

Groaning, you felt an excruciating pain in your abdomen and a feeling of loss?

“(Y/N), baby, you’re awake,” his tired voice resonated in your ear as he leaned down to kiss your forehead, his hand not leaving yours.

“I feel like I got hit by a truck,” you commented as he sniffled, trying to suppress the tears that threatened to escape.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he noted, petting your hair and placing another kiss on your forehead.

“And leave our kid without a father? I don’t think...”, realization dawned on you at that moment. The sudden feeling of loss and the pain in that general area washed over you as you began crying. “Oh God, the baby is gone, isn’t it?” You asked through tears as he let a couple slip down his face, nodding and trying to smile through the pain. Choking back a sob, you turned your face away from him as tears continued to fall.

“Hey, look at me,” he whispered, squeezing your hand. Shaking your head, you refused to meet his hazel eyes, “(Y/N), look at me.” Turning your head, your eyes locked onto his as he continued to smooth down your hair.

“We’re alive. We’re both alive. That’s all that matters,” he replied, crawling into the hospital bed with you and pulling you against his chest as you cried into his shirt.

“What if I never get pregnant again?”

“We will. I’ll make sure of it. I’m done with the fucking task force. Waller can find someone else to puppet. But I’m done. You’re done. We’re gonna get married and have a nice house. I’ll get a new job and we’ll figure it out. I promise.” Kissing the top of your head, he wrapped his arms around you as you calmed down.

“I love you,” you whispered against his chest as he hugged you closer.

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

Author’s Note: Well this was way longer than I intended it to be. But hope you enjoy!!

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scumbagg · 3 years

Text

NSFT/18+

Space Ghost Coast to Coast

A/N: I purely wrote this as Bell instead of Y/N since I can’t bring myself to write Y/N fics 😂

I recently finished MW2 and needed some Ghost food to heal my broken heart after the traumatic betrayal I witnessed. Also maybe a bit of DadPrice! giving a lecture. Here goes nothing..

Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x Fem Bell

Word count: 3252

Warnings: smut, injury (gunshot), blood, swearing.

“Eyes up, scouts patrolling up ahead.”

Price’s voice in your earpiece came through at the exact moment the two men appeared in your line of vision 40 metres in front of you.

“Dropped him.”

Aiming your sniper, the guard trailing slightly behind fell to the ground before you’d even had time to place your finger on the trigger. Taking aim at the other man’s head, your rifle made almost no sound as you took him out a second later.

“Nice shot. Move up.”

“Thanks.” You whispered back. You turned back for a moment to the place you knew Price was laying hidden almost 90 metres behind you.

“Move, Bell. We won’t have much time before more patrols come along and find those bodies.” Soap’s whispered voice now, also in your earpiece - but you knew he was somewhere to the right of you hidden in the long grass. You crawled quietly through the grass. You heard the brush whispering slightly either side of you as the bodies of Soap and Ghost moved up to flank with you.

“Hold up, two more tangoes patrolling the fence line.” Price murmured a moment later. “Take ‘em out, or let ‘em move on. Your call Bell”

“No stragglers.” You whispered back. You heard the pops from Ghost’s and Soap’s suppressed guns as they took out the two guards ahead.

“Good call.” Price confirmed. “Can’t see anymore inbound. You’re in the clear. House up ahead is empty. We’ll regroup inside.”

“Roger.”

Standing up, you scanned the area out of precaution for more enemies. Satisfied, you nodded to the other two men to move up. The three of you passed the fence line and had almost made it to the back door of the house when it happened.

You heard it before you felt it. The sound of a pistol being fired in your direction had you spinning to face the direction it came from, when suddenly you felt white hot pain erupt in your left shoulder. Dropping to the ground, the sound was over almost as quickly as it started, but your eyesight went black as you squeezed your eyes shut in pain and gripped your shoulder as blood poured through your fingers.

“Bell!” The scream came from within your earpiece at the same time Ghost shouted your name, making your ear throb in pain. You hardly noticed with the burning coming from your shoulder, but you still flinched.

“What the fuck was that?!” You gritted through your teeth.

“One of the guards back there wasn’t as dead as we thought. He fucking is now. Don’t worry darlin’, you’re gonna be alright.” Ghost pried your hand away from your shoulder and replace them with his own. “Soap, get me the medi-kit from your pack, quick!”

“Darlin’?!” Soap laughed as he handed Ghost the pack. Frowning, he looked down at the two of you.

“He’s taking the piss.. it’s an inside joke.. had to be there.” You said through gritted teeth, glaring into Ghost’s glasses. Ghost said nothing as he worked on stopping the bleeding, but the minimal supplies in the kit weren’t doing much.

“Fuck!” Ghost said in a panicked voice. You were starting to feel drowsy, and the sight of all the blood was making you queasy. You could feel your head starting to spin, threatening to send you into unconsciousness.

“Ghost, she’s gonna be fine. Look, the bullet went straight through.” Soap said calmly, pointing at the bullet lodged in the brick in the wall just behind where you’d been standing. “It’s a clean wound, it’ll just need stitches.”

“Fine. We’ve gotta get her back ASAP. I’ll take her, you and Price grab the intel.”

“No, I’ll take her.” Price came into view, rifle slung over his back. “You’re the one that’s better with technology, you’ll get the intel quicker from the computer. Someone’s bound to have heard those gunshots, we’re sure to have company soon. C’mon Bell.” Price hoisted you up under your uninjured arm, replacing Ghost’s hands with one of his. Stumbling, you gripped Price’s arm for support. Looking over at Ghost, you noticed his eyes tighten behind his sunglasses, but he nodded in assent.

“Let’s get moving,” Price commanded, nodding at the other two. “Soap, Ghost, I’ll send for another chopper to pick you up. See you boys at home.”

*****

Fourteen stitches and a bandaged shoulder later, the infirmary staff finally let you leave. Pushing open the exit door to the outside, you found Price leaning against a jeep waiting for you.

“What are you still doing here?” You asked suspiciously.

“Thought I’d give you a ride home. It’s a bit of a far walk and I assumed you’d be too hopped up on pain killers to drive yourself.” He replied, opening the passenger door courteously.

“Oh… thanks.” You said, taken aback by the display of kindness. It’s not that Captain Price was unkind; he’d just never shown any outward kindness outside of the field. You were surprised that he’d thought to even come back for you.

The two of you drove in silence for a few moments, before the question you were burning to ask broke its way out of your control.

“Did the other two make it back okay?” You tried to sound casual, but your insides were turning with worry.

“Yeah, they got back about an hour ago, no issues.” Price answered, concentrating on the road.

“And the intel?”

‘Acquired.” Price gruffed.

“Hmm, very good.” You stared straight ahead, watching the sun settle in the west. This was the first time in a non-formal environment you’d ever spent a moment alone with the Captain, and you weren’t sure how to make small talk with him. You sat in silence as Price drove you through the city. You wondered how he knew where you lived when it occurred to you that being a member of his team, he’d know where everyone lived. Not that you spent much time in your own house these nights. You thought back to a few nights ago...

The sound of Price clearing his throat awkwardly pulled you out of your reverie. Looking over at him, you watched as he shifted in his seat and waited for him to speak.

“What is it?”

Price sighed. “Look, I really don’t want to have this conversation. But I’ve told him the same thing I’m telling you now. This is one of the best task forces I’ve ever worked with, and I don’t want anything fucking that up. Understood?”

You felt your calm composure slip through the cracks as your eyes widened in panic. You glanced over to see him still staring straight ahead, his mouth set in a hard line.

“Wait, you know about-”

“Of course I fucking know.” Price snapped, watching you out of the corner of his eyes. Shit, so maybe he did know where you actually slept after all. “I know everything that goes on in my team. Look,” he said calmly. “I don’t give a fuck what you get up to in your spare time. It’s like I told him, I’m not going to report it. It’s not been an issue yet. Just don’t let it affect you on the job.”

“I haven’t! I’ve been so careful about trying to keep it professional while we’re on a mission!” Your heart raced at the fact you had been caught out.

“I know you have, Bell. But that man is head over heels for you, in case you hadn’t realised. I’m concerned he’ll let his feelings for you get in the way of the job. Look at today – he’s the best man on our team for tech, and he was willing to throw the whole job, just out of pure panic for you.” Price sighed again. “I’m not sending either of you away. I just needed to remind you of the main reason we are here. If you two can’t handle that, I’ll be forced to find someone to take your place on the team.”

“Does anyone else know?” You asked quietly.

“I don’t think so, but if Simon continues on the way he was today, I doubt it’ll be long until Soap catches on.” Price grimaced, then looked over at you. “Darlin’,” he grinned.

“Ughhh,” you groaned as Price pulled up outside what you now realised wasn’t your house. “I can’t believe he let that slip out.” You unbuckled your seatbelt, careful not to move too much that it pulled at your stitches. Opening your door, you looked back at Price. “Thanks for the ride, I appreciate it.”

Price smiled and nodded in response. “Don’t be too harsh on him about today,” he said, looking over your shoulder as you heard the front door open behind you. You closed the door and waved as the jeep drove away.

*****

All your anxiety from the conversation with Price suddenly turned to irritation as you turned to face the man in the doorway. You stormed towards him, your uninjured shoulder hitting his lower abdomen as you barged your way past him into the hallway.

“Bell-” he began.

“Get out of my way, Simon. I need a fucking shower.” You snapped irritably.

“Here, let me help-”

“No.”

“Bell!” Simon pleaded.

“What the fuck was that today?!” You snarled. “You might as well just fucking announce to the whole place that we’re together!” You began climbing the stairs towards the bathroom, but stopped halfway there. Staying angry wasn’t one of your strong suits, and seeing him standing pleadingly in the hallway washed away your irritation. “Look,” you sighed heavily, coming back down the stairs so you were eye level with him. “I just had the lecture of a lifetime from Price. I can’t lose what we have here Simon, and he warned if we couldn’t keep it professional out there, then one of us would be replaced.” You stepped towards him, reaching for him in both apology and forgiveness. You placed a hand on his masked jaw, your thumb stroking along his hard cheekbone.

“I’m sorry for today,” he said apologetically, leaning his cheek into your hand. “Seeing you injured and in pain, all that blood… I panicked.”

“It’s okay,” you soothed. Smiling up at him, you smacked his arm playfully. “You’re silly, you know that right. Even I knew it wasn’t bad, and you’ve seen way more injuries than I have. I can’t imagine how you would’ve been if Soap hadn’t been there to pull your head in.”

Simon wrapped his arm around your head, resting his hand at the base of your skull and pulled you in for a hug. You lifted your other arm to place it around his waist and winced. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“How are you feeling anyway, darlin’?” He stepped back to survey you.

“Rubbish. These pain killers are doing their job, but I feel disgusting. I really do need a shower.” You looked over your shoulder towards the bathroom. “I uh... might need a hand actually,” you said awkwardly, wondering how you were going to manage without getting your stitches wet. Surprisingly, this was your first major injury, given your line of work.

“C’mon,” he said, pulling you towards the bathroom.

Simon turned on the shower and helped you undress, helping remove your shoes, pants and underwear, aware of your fresh wound as he carefully pulled the shirt from your arms and over your head. His eyes filled with remorse as they fell on your injured shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, darlin’,” he whispered. “That guy that shot you… that’s the one I took down. I didn’t know he wasn’t dead.” He looked away sadly.

“Hey,” you grabbed his chin gently and turned his head so he was looking you squarely in the eyes. “It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself, no one else does. I’m fine.”

“But what if it had been worse? What if that bullet had landed here?” Simon touched your forehead. “Or here,” he said, touching the base of your throat. “What if-”

“Don’t think about it,” you said firmly, pulling his hand from your neck. “Simon, I said I’m fine.” Still holding his hand, you pulled it up to your lips. “There is one thing I am annoyed about, though,” you smirked as you kissed his fingers.

Simon looked at you quizzically. “Why am I the only one naked right now? Surely you’re not gonna shower in your clothes.” You stepped inside the shower, letting the water run over your head, careful to avoid letting it hit your left shoulder.

Simon’s eyes squinted, and you knew he was smirking behind his mask as he removed the rest of his gear and dumped it on the ground next to yours. As always, his mask was the very last thing he removed. No matter how comfortable Simon was with you, and no matter how many times you’d seen him without it, there were certain insecurities that were too deeply ingrained. The last piece of Ghost removed, and only Simon stood in front of you.

Simon stepped in the large shower with you. Grabbing a face washer and pouring body wash on it, he gently helped scrub off the dried blood that had made its way down your torso. He shampooed, conditioned and brushed your hair, knowing you couldn’t lift your arm to wash any dried blood that had knotted in there. Once you were clean, you grabbed the other face wash and carefully, with your good arm, moved it across his chest and abdomen. He watched as you gently made circles on his large shoulders and down his muscular arms.

You wrapped your good arm around the back of his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. “Don’t be too long,” you smiled as you stepped out of the shower and wrapped yourself in a towel.

Walking to the dresser, you pulled out some clothes and attempted to get dressed but you couldn’t pull the shirt over your head. You sighed, and sat on the bed resignedly, still in your towel. You heard the shower stop running, and Simon stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Here,” you beckoned, reaching for him. Simon came to stand in front of you, standing in between your legs. You leaned forward and kissed his stomach, feeling the warm skin beneath your lips raise with goose bumps. You tugged on his arm, pulling him down towards the ground. He knelt, still between your legs, and leaned forward to bury his face in your neck. Almost a whole foot of height difference between the two of you, yet you were the only person who could bring Simon Riley to his knees.

Your good arm snaked its way around his broad back, tracing his spine, down to his hips to the edge of the towel. You heard Simon’s breath quicken, still lightly kissing your neck, when your fingers made their way around to the front of his towel and tugged it loose, letting it fall to the floor.

You lightly brushed your fingers down his stomach and over his navel, until you reached the base of his shaft. You felt Simon’s breath hitch as you gripped it in both hands.

“Bell..” he groaned.

“Mmm?”

He brought his mouth round to yours, kissing you deeply. His mouth trailed back along your jaw to your ear. “Why am I the only one that’s naked?” You felt his smirk against your cheek as he repeated your line back to you.

“Maybe you should fix that,” you whispered back.

Simon wasted no time in removing your towel and throwing it across the other side of the room. You laid back on the bed as he trailed kisses down your chest, taking a nipple in his mouth and thumbing circles around the other. Your hands threaded themselves through his thick hair as you massaged his head. Simon’s hands followed his head as he made his way down your stomach and down your navel, his hands gliding over your hips and massaging up and down your thighs.

You threw your head back and moaned in pleasure as he buried his face between your legs, his mouth sucking and licking at your clit. You gasped as you felt one of Simon’s fingers enter you, then two, and he slowly picked up a rhythm as his mouth and fingers worked in synch. You could feel your walls begin to tighten as you got closer to your orgasm.

“Stop,” you gasped. Simon looked up quickly.

“Did I hurt you?” He asked worriedly.

“Not at all,” you tugged at his arm so he pulled himself so he was hovered above you. “I need you in me right now,” you purred as you pulled his head down, his lips crashing to meet yours.

You reached down and grabbed his length firmly, stroking it. Simon’s eyes glazed over with lust as he moved his head back to your neck. Guiding him, you positioned him at your entrance.

“You sure?” he asked huskily. You knew he was teasing. He knew exactly what you wanted.

“Yes,” you breathed.

You both groaned with pleasure as he entered you, filling and stretching you out. Simon set a slow pace at first, until he was sure you had adjusted to him, then quickened the pace. His hands moved to your waist as he slammed into you, holding you in place so you didn’t move around too much. He pulled your legs over his shoulders and you gripped his forearms, lost in pleasure.

Simon leaned forward and your legs dropped to his waist. He took one of your breasts in his mouth. You moaned in ecstasy as he hit the sweet spot inside of you.

“Simon.. I think I’m gonna-” you gasped.

Still inside of you, Simon pulled you on top of him as he rolled onto his back. “Not yet, you’re not.”

“Owwwww!” You winced as the action pulled tightly at your left shoulder.

“Fuck! Sorry! You okay?” He asked worriedly.

“Yeah,” you moaned as you picked up the pace again. You brought your legs either side of his waist and pulled his hands to your breasts as you lowered yourself onto him, taking him completely. Now in control, you could feel every movement and every angle as you took him deep inside you.

Simon gripped your breasts firmly as he felt your walls begin to tighten. “C’mon, darlin’,” he groaned. “I’m not far off, myself.”

“I’m gonna come,” you whined. You rocked your hips back and forth and threw your head back as your walls clenched around him. You rode your orgasm out, and heard Simon groan as his own orgasm erupted into you. You fell on top of him, exhausted and satisfied.

Simon gently rolled you off him and onto the bed as he got up to get some water. Your eyes followed him, appreciating his finely sculpted body as he walked to the sink in the ensuite, grabbing a glass off the nightstand and filling it with water. He met your eyes as he walked back to the bed.

“What?” He asked bashfully as he handed you the water, aware of his nakedness.

“You’re beautiful,” you smiled drowsily, taking the glass.

Simon chuckled. “Are you sure you’re okay? They must be some strong drugs they gave you.”

“Hmmm... never better” you sighed as you handed the water back to him. Despite what you said, sleep was already pulling you under.

Simon leaned in and kissed your forehead.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

#simon ghost riley #ghost x f reader #ghost x fem bell #ghost modern warfare

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imagine-a-life-like-this · 3 years

Text

What If? (H.JS)

Warnings : mention of divorce

Word Count : 1897

Synopsis : she had never seen jisung as anything more than just a friend. that is until her and jisung volunteered to do a couples photoshoot for their mutual friend. seeing the way he looked at her, the way they just seemed to match perfectly had her wondering, what if they were more than friends?

“He said my portfolio isn’t good enough. There isn’t enough variety.” Hyunjin whined as he plopped beside me on the couch. I could see the disappointment and exhaustion in his eyes when he looked at me. He had been working on his photography portfolio for months now, hoping to impress his professor.

“Did he give you any ideas to help expand your portfolio?” I asked, running my fingers through his hair. It’s always helped calm him down, or that’s what he told me.

“He wants me to try to do a couples photoshoot, since I do a lot of portrait shoots. But I don’t even know any couples!” I slowly began to massage his head as he moved to rest his head in my lap, his eyes closing as he did so.

“Y/N and I will do it.” Jisung offered from the kitchen. Hyunjin’s eyes shot open, meeting mine immediately.

“Is there something you two aren’t telling me?” He questioned, causing Jisung and I to burst into laughter.

“No, but we can act like it front of the camera.” Jisung chuckled as he sat in the chair beside the couch.

“Besides, most of the school thinks we’re dating anyway.” I joked. Ever since high school, people have thought Jisung and I were couple since we’ve always been so close. Jisung is quite introverted and nervous around a lot of people, and he’s told me before that I comfort him just by being beside him. Growing up, he always clung to me in one way or another, not that I ever minded.

“Yeah, when I met you two in high school, I could have sworn you two were a couple.” Hyunjin added, sitting up on the couch. “But you two would really do a couples photoshoot for me?” We exchanged looks before nodded.

“You’re our friend and this is important to you. Of course we’ll help.” I smiled.

The three of us set out to find some nice shooting locations the next day. It was the perfect day for a photoshoot; the sun shining high in the sky. Every once in a while, Hyunjin would stop us and we’d take some pictures. Jisung and I looked up some references so we knew how to pose and make it look more realistic.

There was a lot of longing stares and laughter at how ridiculous this felt. Hyunjin was completely focused as Jisung and I posed for him. This was his final project and was worth 50% of his grade, and I could tell it was stressing him out. We tried our best to look as in love as possible, trying to hold in our laughter until the picture was taken, but sometimes it was difficult.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Jisung chuckled, hiding his face behind his hands. I reached out, taking one of his hands in mine and continued looking longingly into his eyes. “Yah!” I watched as his cheeks became a rosy colour.

“Let me love you!” I yelled as he suddenly took off running. As I caught up to him, I jumped on his back, thinking it would tackle him to the ground, but I was surprised when he caught my legs in his hands and continued running with me on his back. “Yah Han Jisung!” I shrieked, begging him to drop me.

“Didn’t think this one through, did you princess?” I cringed at the cliché nickname, lightly hitting the top of his head in protest. “Yah! Don’t hit me!”

The three of us ended up at a cafe looking through the pictures Hyunjin took throughout the day, after he downloaded them to his laptop. Jisung would point at one he thought was really nice, asking to send them to him later. But I just stared, my heart suddenly picking up pace.

I stared at the pictures, seeing the wide smiles on both our faces. How perfectly our hands seemed to fit together. Hyunjin even took pictures of us when we were just being ourselves, running around the park with me on his back. You couldn’t tell the difference between the pictures where we were acting like a couple and when we were just hanging out.

In all the years I’ve known Jisung, I’ve never seen him as anything more than my best friend. But looking at these pictures is like looking into another reality where he’s my boyfriend, and I don’t mind it.

Han Jisung has always been the person I turn to when I have news to share, good or bad. Through all the hard times and fights, he stuck by me, promising me he’d never leave. He’s the person that knows me better than I know myself. He knows exactly what I need without me asking for it. It’s like he can read my mind.

There’s no denying that he’s handsome either. He has a smile that can light up a room. Whenever I’m having a bad day, his smile alone can brighten it, bringing a smile to my face as well. And he’s got the cutest cheeks that puff out when he shoves food in his face, much like a squirrel. It’s one of my favourite parts about him. Honestly, I love everything about him.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I accidentally fell for my best friend. I fell for him a long time ago, but I refused to admit it. But looking at these pictures, my heart can’t deny it anymore. I’m in love with Han Jisung.

“Hey, Y/N, you okay?” Jisung’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “Do you not like the pictures? Are we not a cute couple?” He joked, his famous smile dancing across his lips. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“We’re obviously the cutest! All the pictures are amazing, Jinnie.” Hyunjin smiled at us, the stress seeming to wash off him completely.

“Honestly, you two would make a really cute couple. Look at this picture.” He showed us a picture he took just a bit ago when we got to the café. Jisung and I were standing in line, waiting to order. As per usual, Jisung had his arm draped across my shoulders, and I was holding his hand that was hanging off my shoulder, our fingers laced together. We were staring at each other, wide smiles on our faces. We weren’t even posing, that’s just how we’ve always been. “You are the happiest with each other.” Hyunjin added, but Jisung and I were both silent, realization hitting us both.

“Wow.” Jisung breathed out, his eyes suddenly meeting mine. “I’m so handsome!” He exclaimed, a wide smile taking over his face. I let out a laugh, but I could feel my heart drop. It was obvious that I was the only one who fell.

I eventually excused myself with the excuse of a project due in a couple days that I needed to finish. I put my earbuds in and took the long way home, overthinking every little thing between Jisung and I over the years. When did my feelings change?

Was it the night my parents divorced and I couldn’t stop crying, wondering what went wrong? Jisung came over after I had called him and he heard I was crying. I told him not to, but he still showed up, drenched from the pouring rain, holding a bag of all my favourite snacks. He held me until my sobs faded and wiped away the drying tears.

Maybe it was when we were partnered for a project in high school and we were in my room, laughing about something completely unrelated to the project. We stayed up late into the night, until my dad came upstairs, offering Jisung the spare room to sleep in, saying he already called his parents. Jisung was awake before me, waking me up with breakfast in bed and a shy smile.

It could have been when I was stood up, and instead of just picking me up and allowing me to do the lonely walk of shame out of the fancy restaurant, he barged in, apologizing profusely for being late. I smiled when I saw him dressed in his best suit, his hair a mess from the obvious run he did to get there. He even paid despite the high price and his dwindling bank account.

Or it could have been a mix of everything. Maybe my feelings were never platonic. I always seemed to laugh louder and smile more when he’s around.

A short vibration from my phone pulled me from my thoughts. I opened the message from Hyunjin, seeing a couple pictures from today on my screen along with a short message. I don’t think you two are just friends.

The pictures were ones he didn’t show us at the café, or at least not when I was there. The first one seemed to be from when we were just wandering around looking for a location to shoot. I was looking somewhere off camera, probably looking around for a place to shoot. But Jisung’s eyes were on me. His hands were in his pockets while a soft smile danced across his lips. The way he looked at me was the way guys in movies look at their lover. Eyes full of love and longing.

The second picture was during one of the moments we were trying to act like a couple, but we couldn’t contain our laughter. His hands cupped my face, our eyes locked together in a sweet gaze. You could practically hear our laughter just by looking at the picture. And in both of our eyes was the same longing look Jisung gave me in the previous picture.

The final picture was another from us acting like a couple. I had closed my eyes just like the couple in the reference picture, thinking Jisung did too. Our foreheads were touching, his hands cupping my face once again, and my hands resting on his chest. But his eyes weren’t closed. They were open, looking at me with such love that I could feel the butterflies erupt in my stomach.

I stopped walking, just staring at the third picture, hope building up in my stomach. The lyrics of the song playing in my earbuds was background music to the sound of my heart pounding.

Just then, Jisung’s contact picture popped up on screen as he called me. He always knew when I needed him. He knew me better than I knew myself. I should have known I couldn’t keep these feelings a secret from him. He could read me as easily as you can read your favourite book.

“Turn around.” Was all he said before hanging up. Slowly, I listened to his directions, turning around, and seeing him standing just a few feet away. “You felt it too, didn’t you.” He said, neither one of us taking a step. Strangers just walked on by, not paying us any attention, as if they were extras in a drama we were starring in.

“Yeah.” Was all I could say, and a smile formed on his face. “I think I always have.” I added, surprised he could hear me with how soft my voice was. He finally walked towards me, closing the short distance between us before cupping my face.

“Me too.” He whispered before pressing his lips to mine in the first of many kisses we’d share.

#stray kids imagine #skz imagine #stray kids au #skz au #han jisung imagine #han jisung au #han jisung x reader #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #bang chan #lee minho #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin

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specialagentlokitty · 6 months

Text

Beckett x teen!reader - someone to trust

Sitting on the table, you swung your leg back and forth, eating the sandwich in your hand, looking at the few others who were standing around.

“Seriously you can’t expect us not to do anything.” One of the guys snapped.

“Have some respect when talking to them.” Another sneered.

“You’re telling us to just sit back when some assholes are out there trying to make a move in our territory!”

The men next to you stepped forward and you reached out, grabbing the back of the jacket he was wearing, pulling him back.

“Cool it J.”

He looked at you, huffing a little but sat next to you on the table.

“Well, what do you want to do boss?”

“Leave it for now.”

“They beat the crap outta Tyler!”

You looked at the guy standing in the corner of the room, a couple of bandages around his arms, and one on his face.

“He was on their terf, whether he knew it or not. You know the rules, as do they.”

“Come on we can easily overpower them.” Tyler said.

“Maybe so, but it ain’t worth the risk. These guys have a reputation, right now it isn’t worth the risk to any of us. Just stick to what we’re doing.”

You stuffed your hands into your pockets, and you walked over to the first guy who had spoke.

“Question me again and I’ll show you why I am the leader here, not you..” you whispered.

With that, you made your way towards the door.

J turned around and followed you outside into the street, along with a few others and you all began walking through the crowds of people.

“Is that really what you want to do? Leave it?” J asked.

“We don’t need that shit right now, we got a rat somewhere and maybe more than one.”

“You wanna smoke em out?” Sara asked.

You looked behind you, thinking for a moment before shaking your head.

“No. I wanna know what they’re doing and who they’re doing it for. You four are my first captains, I trust you, the others not so much.”

“So what do we do?” Tyler asked.

You sighed, standing at the crossing, watching as a few people shuffled away from you all.

“We wait.”

With that, you moved past someone, making your way across the road with J.

“Why did we park so far away anyway?” He asked.

“I wanted a change of scenery.”

He hummed a little bit, gesturing to a building next to him.

“Not cause you’re scoping out that place?”

“Ain’t anything wrong with it.”

“C’mon, no one is gonna sell a building like that to a kid.”

You smirked a little.

“They will for the right price and negotiation tactics.”

J chuckled a little nodding his head.

“I like the sound of that, when’s the opening?”

You reached into your jacket, pulling out your phone before putting it back in.

“Right now, let’s go, third floor.”

You jogged up the steps with him close behind.

Making your way to the third floor, you walked to the very end room, pushing the door open.

“Welcome!”

The woman turned around with a smile and it dropped when she saw you.

“I’m not interested in buying whatever it is you two are selling get out before I call the cops.”

You hummed a little, walking over to the large window.

“Everybody has a price, what’s yours?”

“I doubt you even have that money.”

“Maybe they didn’t make themselves clear, name your price.” J said lowly.

The woman looked at him, reaching the writing along the sleeve of his jacket.

“You’re just two thugs.”

You turned around, walking over to the desk you took some papers, standing behind J who stopped the seller from trying to get them back.

With your back against his you flicked through them.

“I’ll buy it.”

You handed the papers to J who tossed them on the desk, then you pulled out a cheque book, handing it over to J who handed it to her.

“Cash it first if you want, just a proof.” He said.

“Let me make a few calls, if all goes well I’ll sell it to you.”

She left the room and you sat on the desk, looking at your second in command.

“What’s this place for anyways?” He asked.

“Nothing wrong if that’s what you’re worried about, it’s just an apartment building. Gonna rent it out.”

He hummed a little, nodding his head.

“Didn’t realise we were landlords now.”

You laughed a little, shaking your head at him.

“Stable income, I have money sure, but at least this way we have some cover.”

“Thinking ahead, smart.”

J began to explore the room, and you sat there just watching him.

“Good news, the building is yours.”

The woman packed everything and left, and you begun plans to bring life back into the old building.

A few weeks later, sitting on the back of a bench, you looked at J who was giving directions to somebody nearby.

When he was done, he answered his phone, speaking for a moment before walking over to you.

“Guess who’s been summoned by the NYPD.”

“Not a chance.”

“You’re in shit now.” He smirked.

You scoffed, standing on the bench as you looked down at him.

“We’re not going in.”

“If that’s what you want.”

You jumped down, walking across the grass with him following him.

You went back to your hideout, laying yourself on some storage boxes.

“They’re going to keep calling.”

“Toss it, get a new one.”

J shrugged, leaving the room.

Sitting up, you stood up along the boxes, climbing up on them until you reached the top, and watched as J walked back in with Tyler.

“That place you got might be running behind schedule.” Tyler said.

You narrowed your eyes a little.

“Look at the news.”

He tossed you the TV remote you, and you turned on the TV.

“That would explain the calls.” J said.

Tyler looked at you and you waved your hand dismissively, so, he left the room.

“Man I just got the place too, that’s shit.”

“Wanna check it out.”

You grinned, jumping down from the boxes.

Walking outside, you climbed on to your motorcycle, and J climbed on his, both of you racing over to the newest investment you made.

Parking outside, you swung yourself off, looking at a few of the people nearby who quickly scurried away.

“Reckon building is seal off?” J asked.

“Yup.”

You walked up the stairs, hands stuffed into your pockets, making your way straight for the stairs to the third floor.

“Get outta here kid.”

You looked at the officer, walking over.

“Fresh out the academy huh?”

“No.”

J stood behind you, resting his arm in your shoulder.

“Definitely fresh outta the academy, look at that ridiculous haircut, that’s dumb as shit.”

“I’ll arrest you if you don’t move.”

“Try it, won’t last long.” J smirked.

You moved around him, ducking under J, looking around.

Grabbing a jacket, you pulled it on, rolling the sleeves up a little bit, and J distracted the officer while you walked away.

Looking around, you tried to find where the crime scene was.

“Hey, that’s my jacket.”

You turned around, putting your hands behind your back.

You immediately recognised him and knew it was your chance.

“I didn’t know sir, I was just cold is all.”

“You don’t have a jacket?” He asked.

You shook your head a little bit.

“Well uh.. I guess you can have it yeah. Here.”

He reached into his pockets of his blazer, pulling out his wallet, holding out some cash to you.

“Here, get yourself some food and a warm drink.”

You reached out to take it.

“Castle what the hell are you thinking?”

He stopped, turning to the woman who was holding J by the back of his jacket.

“They’re just cold Beckett.”

“Oh my god Castle, don’t you watch the news?” She snapped.

She tossed J at you and made a gestured for you to hand the jacket over, so you took it off and tossed it at her, watching as she caught it, shoving it to Castle.

“They’re teenagers?” He asked confused.

You leant against the wall.

“Why’re you here, this has nothing to do with delinquents.”

“It does if I own the building.” You said.

“You don’t own the building. No one in their right mind would sell to a kid.”

“Run it detective, you’ll find everything is according law.”

She sent an officer to go and check it out, and she gestured for you and J to stay put.

She blocked the exit as she stood speaking to someone else who glanced at the pair of you.

Turning around, she looked at you.

“Great news, you two are coming in for questioning let’s go you know the drill, hands on your head and turn around.”

You complied and so did J who gave you a confused look.

“Let it play..”

He nodded his head and you were both taken to the precinct and shoved into different interrogation rooms.

You rested your elbows on the table, staring directly at the mirror.

“Seriously that just a kid, and what’s with the jacket?” Castle asked.

Beckett held out a thick file to him.

“That’s just one of them, and that’s not even the background on this kid, we can’t get any. That’s just all the criminal investigations that they’ve been part of but never convicted due to lack of evidence.”

“NYS?” He asked.

“The New York Shadows, a gang of delinquents, string of crimes are endless, a few of them have been sent down aside from this one.”

Castle looked at Beckett.

“Why?”

“The shadow, (Y/N), we’re guessing around 16, dangerous, never leaves a trace, never caught, knows all the tricks to avoid any sort of detection. Can switch from calm to incredibly violent in a second.”

“No way they’re being a murder though.” Castle said.

“Only one way to find out, stay here.”

Beckett took your file back, and she walked into the room, throwing it on the table, dropping herself into the chair in front of you.

“Let’s talk.” She said

#castle #castle x reader #castle x you #castle imagine #Kate Beckett #Kate Beckett x reader #Kate Beckett x you #Kate Beckett imagine

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teddy06writes · 3 years

Note

could we have more sapnap x karl x quackity x reader maybe about how reader joins, or how the relationship is revealed, or angst, also is there a reason that anon asks are turned off? i mean it might just be me also cause i cant switch to anon, ik that hairbrush anon loves this blog and wants to request but they cant cause anon is turned off, (i know hairbrush anon irl so thats how ik this for some background context) sorry if this is rude

anon: “ Your karlnapity fanfics are sooooo good. I was wondering if you could make another one, it could be about literally anything and I’ll read it. Keep up the great work! “

sapnap x karl x quackity x reader

trigger warnings: swearing, mentions of panic attacks

premise: how you joined the Karlnapity poly cue

{also the anon thing was fixed once I got this ask}

“belp” talking

‘blep’ texting

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You didn’t meet them intentionally, far from, actually, you had only met Alex, the first of the boys you’d met, by pure chance.

Well, pure chance, and an asshole who didn’t look where he was going outside A hall.

You had just emerged from your first class of the year, a debate class, with maybe 50 students total, and were immediately slammed into by some jerk who didn’t even stop at first.

You had fallen into someone, who after making sure you were stood up right began to cuss the guy out in Spanish.

“You got something to say to me, dick?” The guy had asked as he turned around.

“Yeah bitch! Why the hell did you push them?”

If you thought this dudes 5′ 9′’ ass wasn’t gonna square up to a huge football player you’d’ve been wrong.

“They were the one who didn’t fucking move, so don’t fucking start with me!”

“Bro you literally slammed into them! You could’ve fucking moved man!” He shoved the guys shoulder, “You didn’t have to take the asshole route, yet we’re still here.”

“Listen Dick, I don’t give a shit, they were in the fucking way.”

“Man your really looking for a fucking fight are you?” He shrugged off his back pack and let it drop to the ground.

The guys laughed, pushing up his sleeves, “I could take your scrawny ass any day, chicca.”

Before he had a chance to blink a fist had been launched toward his face, catching him right in the jaw.

He stumbled back, looking almost as surprised as the guy you’d tripped into, who was looking down at his own fist, clearly in pain.

“Oh you little bitch!” The jock growled, moving to punch him back.

Quickly you scooped up his bag, shoving it into his arms, “We gotta go!!” You shoved the guy, grabbing your saviors hand and tugging him along as you started to run.

As you dodged around campus, trying to lose the yell of the jock behind you the guy who you’d dragged with, offered, “I’m Alex.”

“(y/n),” You slowed to a stop, “I think we lost him.”

Alex nodded, wincing as he examined his knuckles.

You took his hand, checking over it carefully, “It’ll bruise hard, you might not have full dexterity for a while. That’s what you get for punching someone without preparing,” You chuckled, glancing around, “My dorm’s not more than five minutes away, if you don’t have another class to get too, we can go get you some ice.”

“That’d be good.” He winced.

After taking him back to your dorm and getting his hand iced, he disappeared, saying he was late to meet someone, and you rarely saw him again except for your debate class, where you hardly spoke.

~~ You’d met Nick not too long after, though this time, pure chance was more purely your friend George catching you sneaking out of a party you didn’t want to be at.

“Seriously (y/n)? It’s barley even been an hour!” The brit yelled.

“It’s way too loud in there,” You hissed, motioning to the frat house, “I can’t hardly think, let alone stand it.”

“George! Get back in here! Clay challenged someone to a drinking contest and it about to start!” Someone yelled from the house.

“Yeah, in a second Sapnap!” He called before turning back to you, “Stay a little while longer?”

“I don’t want to be here.” You growled, but he was already dragging you back towards the house, saying:

“Come on, it’ll be entertaining if he wins and if not, well, it’ll still be pretty funny.”

Sighing, you allowed yourself to be pulled back inside, following George through to where Clay stood across a counter from a curly dark haired man, and Niki, a woman you’d met a few weeks prior, quietly pouring shots.

“Now the only reason I’m letting you do this Wil, is cause I know you won’t be able to do more than three.” She muttered, sliding the shots between them.

George laughed, “This is gonna be great!”

You sighed, moving to stand back against one of the walls, next to a dirty blonde man, who said, “You don’t look to happy to be here.”

“Not a fan of the noise.” You muttered, rubbing at your forehead.

He nodded, “Makes sense, one of my boyfriends doesn’t like the noise either. I’m Nick.”

“Didn’t George just call you Sapnap? What is with people around here and having weird nicknames?” You shook your head with another sigh, “I’m (y/n).”

“I dunno. Half the people I know at this school have weird nicknames,” He began to point at various people around the room, “Dream, Fundy, Skeppy, Hbomb, Quackity’s around here somewhere. Hell I even know someone who calls himself ‘Technoblade’.”

“Sounds like a prick.” You chuckled.

Nick nodded, “Oh he is.”

You continued to talk for a while, watching as Wilbur tried to out drink Clay, and failing miserably not to laugh when he nearly fell down, totally wasted.

“Hey, uh I think we should head out. I feel bad leaving Kar...” Alex trailed off as he realized you were standing with Nick, “Hey, your uh, (y/n) right?”

“Yeah, Alex, you almost busted your knuckles trying to fight McAllen outside debate with Fenner.” You chuckled.

Nick turned to Alex, “You what?!”

“uhh...” he stuttered nervously.

“You told Karl you fell!”

“In my defense he pushed- no not even- he slammed into (y/n)!” Alex said desperately.

“He did, Alex was just defending me,” Alex grinned at your addition, “But...” his face fell, “This one also is essentially just an angry chihuahua.”

“Dude!”

Nick chuckled, “Their right. You are an angry chihuahua.”

Alex rolled his eyes, glancing at his phone, “We should go, Karl’s texting me angry emojis.”

Nick nodded, “It was nice to meet you (y/n).”

“You too.” You smiled, and then they were gone again.

You didn’t meet Karl for almost a month after that, only encountering the man in the colorful sweater when you had been left sitting alone in the dining hall, after a late night study session.

Niki had left a few minutes earlier, but it was long enough that he’d assumed you’d been sitting alone.

“Oh hey, sorry I’m late!” He had called, just a hair too loud.

You blinked up at the mousy haired boy, confused for a moment, before motioning for him to sit down, “It’s okay.”

The few people still left in the hall barley paid attention, so you stifled a laugh, “I wasn’t waiting for someone, my friend just left actually.”

His face got red, “Oh, I- sorry- I’ll just leave then.”

He started to stand up but you held out a hand, “No- uh- you, can stay. I don’t mind.”

He grinned, “I’m Karl! Karl Jacobs!”

“I’m (y/n). Thank you for trying to save me from mild embarrassment.”

“It was nothin, just don’t think people should have to be alone.”

You giggled, “Knight in shining armor.”

That made Karl grin even more, giggling a bit as he asked, “Whatcha working on?”

“Oh, Niki and I were just studying for finals, it may be a few weeks away but I want to be ready.” You chuckled.

“Man, I’m glad I’m only taking one class this semester.”

“Lucky.” You sighed, tucking the last of your papers into folders and stowing them away in your bag, “No late night cram sessions for you then.”

“Nah, my boyfriends’ll rope me into helping them study.”

“Thats the price you pay.” You chuckled.

He nodded solemnly, “A price I am very willing to pay.”

“They sound like lucky guys.” You smiled wistfully, quietly wondering why all the cute guys you’d been meeting were dating, either other people, or each other.

Karl not noticing the almost bitterness in your voice chirped, “Yup!”

“Come on! They’d love you!” Karl exclaimed.

You’d been becoming friends with Karl over the last few months, and now he was begging you to go and meet his partners.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah!” Karl was practically bouncing up and down, “Your like the best! I want my boys to meet you!”

You groaned, letting your head fall into your hands, “Fine.”

“Yay!” Karl giggled, tugging at your wrist, “Come on!”

You looked up from the table at him. “Right now?”

“Yeah, I was suppose to be meeting them at the library.”

Sighing you stood up, “I hate this.”

He smiled sympathetically, “Sorry.”

You slipped your bag over your shoulder, and followed him out of the dining hall towards the library, trying to ignore the stupid feeling in your stomach at his hand in yours.

Upon reaching the library Karl excitedly dragged you over to a table in the corner where your stomach dropped upon seeing who was sitting there.

“(y/n)?” Alex asked.

You chuckled, “Snapmap and Chihuahua boy, I didn’t realize this Karl was your Karl.”

Karl looked confused, looking back and forth between you and his boyfriends, “You guys know each other?”

“That one talked to me at a party when my friends all but ditched me,” You pointed at Nick, and then too Alex, “That one tried to fight someone who bumped into me.”

“Thats- you know what, I’m not gonna ask.” Karl said, plopping down next to Alex.

You sat down on the opposite side of the table next to Nick, “Karl you text in angry emojis?”

Over the next few weeks Karl continued to drag you along to various study sessions, movie nights and other things you assumed would normally just be the three of them, making you confused heart even more confused.

It was strange that they willingly let you intrude on there dates, and any time you tried to bring it up with Karl he’d just brush it off, and if you mentioned it to Nick or Alex, they’d say something about how they were good with it cause Karl was.

And then one night, you were all piled up on the fire escape of the boys apartment building, Alex had just gotten back from a seminar, and was half curled on Nick’s lap, legs stretch across Karl, who was also leaning against Nick.

You quietly hummed a song you heard Wilbur playing, freezing as Karl tugged on your hand, pulling you closer to lean on him, Nick’s arm stretching just a bit farther to wrap around your waist as well, almost cementing you into the moment.

“I like this.” Karl murmured.

Alex nodded sleepily, and Nick looked at your over Karl’s head, “(y/n), uh- I guess we’ve been meaning to- uh- to ask-”

“He means, do- do you want to join this relationship?” Alex asked, cutting him off.

You blinked, surprised, and Karl quickly started talking in your silence, “You don’t have too, we just figured, you know, we, really like, you and- it- we think you like us-”

Cutting him off, you grabbed the sides of his face, quickly pressing your lips to his, and then pulling away, you leaned over to kiss Nick, and then Alex.

“I knew there was a reason you kept letting me in on your dates!”

#mcyt x reader #mcyt imagines #sapnap x reader #karl jacobs x reader #quackity x reader #sapnap x karl x quackity x reader #karlnapity #karlnapity x reader #teddy06 writes

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a-jynx · 3 years

Text

Expensive Taste; P2

Excerpt; Happiness comes at a price, and it could be something you're not willing to pay...

Warning; Cursing, mentions of dreamlands/derealization, gore, blood, and sword fights mentioned, minor character death, childhood trauma,

Pairing; Quackity x reader [ female pronouns ]

[ Male vers. / GN vers. ]

a/n; uhhh, omg?? You guys are insane! I'm honestly shocked by how well Expensive Taste did! I'm so happy you all loved it so much, and I hope this part gets as much love and hype!

~~~~

“You’re a fucking joke, Sap,” Y/N spat, shoving Sapnap back as he stumbled backward. Quackity and Punz stood behind, watching as she walked closer, with a glare already set on her face. “Are you somehow surprised that I’m not some obedient dog?! Scared that the bitch is fighting back?” The spine-chilling smile made Sapnap take a step back before snarling towards his younger sister.

“I miss my real sister - the girl who’d never hurt anyone, wouldn’t fight back against someone trying to protect her,”

“I do not need your fucking protection, you fucking pathetic excuse of a brother!” Y/N’s voice bounced around them as the once thumping music came to a slow halt, causing everyone’s attention to shift towards the small group. The casino floor became swallowed with thick silence, as Quackity glanced towards Punz who took a step in front of her.

“That’s enough, everyone is to leave.” His voice amplified as everyone stood still, no one daring to move until he grit his teeth. “I said MOVE IT.” All jumped and began moving towards the entrance as he followed behind a small group of people, glancing over his shoulder to Quackity, who gave him a quick nod.

“Why don’t we just calm down-”

“Quackity shut the-”

“Don’t finish that fucking sentence, Sapnap.” Y/N stepped in front of her fiance, snarling at her brother who frowned. “This is between us, so focus your anger towards me.”

“Trust me, all my pent anger will be directed towards you, Sparkler.” He snickered as she narrowed her eyes, lips pressing into a straight line.

“Don’t call me that. You lost the privilege to call me that.” She growled, hatred and venom evident in her voice. A gentle hand tugged on her wrist, making her turn towards Quackity as he shot her a soft look before smiling, causing her frown to turn into a gentle smile.

“Why don’t we take this somewhere more private..?” The scarred man spoke easily as Sap scoffed, crossing his hands over his chest as Y/N snapped her attention back to her brother.

“Remember..? We have nothing to discuss, Quackity. This is between my sister and I.” The Blazeborn hissed as small waves of smoke lifted from his fingertips and curled up lips. She narrowed her eyes before taking a step away from Quackity, whose touch chased after her warmth.

“Don’t you dare go Blaze in here, Sapnap. Don’t start something you cannot finish.” She murmured, keeping her voice low but promising of a threat.

“You and I, now,” he snags her arm, tugging her towards the private back rooms as Quackity stood there, worrying, as he watched his ex take his Amor behind a closed door.

~~~~

She stumbled on her heels as Sapnap shoved her through the doorway, grumbling as she caught herself on the small stage.

“Are you fucking serious-” her voice trailed as she listened to the lock flip as Sap locked the door behind them, standing between Y/N and the door with a quivering smile. Her eyes grew wide as she took a step back, her heels dragging across the blacked-out carpet.

“Sap? Sapnap, what the hell are you doing-”

“It’s all your fault, you fucking whore.” He hissed, his eyes glowing the burning red and orange as he drew his Netherite sword. “You’re the reason I lost him, but I can gain him back… Easily.” He took a stride towards her, swinging the sword down as she stumbled backward, quickly kicking off her crystal heels as she moved around the small stage; blocking Sapnap from her.

“Are you fucking insane?!” She gulped, sneaking around the stage as Sap crept around the other side, snarling as he dragged the sword behind, tearing up the carpet with each step.

“Call me love-struck,” he spat, suddenly jumping across the smaller stage as her eyes grew wide, tumbling back and knocking into the floor as she caught the sword; a scream breaking through her lips as blood slowly leaked from the edge cutting into her palms. “Or love-sick, whichever you prefer.” He snickered, pressing his body weight into the sword as his own palm angled, pressing into the hilt and edge with a crazed look breaking through his Blaze-colored eyes. His dark hair sprouting into flames as she grits her teeth, releasing another scream as she pushes her arms up and into the sword, knocking Sap off and away as she sits up, heaving.

“You.. You fucking bitch!” Sapnap suddenly growled, causing her to glance up, her chest rising and falling steadily before a soft gasp left her lips. Sap sat with his side turned into the bottom of the black stone stage, clutching his face. Blood dribbled down from his palm, the steady stream giving a small glimpse into the true damage. His head snapped up, a large slice had broken through the skin of his cheek from his mouth.

Her eyes watered at the sight of her brother, fear suddenly prickling along the back of her neck as he moved to press his back against the stage while she began to shake.. The room began to feel warm - no hot.. No boil - boiling. It felt as if the air around her had begun to melt her skin off as the room around her slowly shifted. Bright lava began to ooze from between the ceiling tiles and to break and crack through the carpeted floor as she scrambled to her feet, spinning until the room had shifted into her last home… The sweltering and deathful Nether.

“Sap! Sappy, come back up here!” A gentle voice echoed over the tormenting pops of lava, Y/N’s eyes towards the voices before carefully moving towards them. Peeking over the netherrack, she swallowed a gasp as she recognized herself as a child, and a dark raven-haired boy swimming in the lava below.

“No way, Sparkler! This feels amazing, why don’t you,” he called in a sing-song tone. “Come down here?” The smirk was evident in his voice as Y/N frowned, suddenly feeling anxious as she watched the small girl lean closer to the edge.

“Sappy, you know I can’t swim like you! This is cheating anyway!” The young girl called down to him. The young version of Sapnap scoffed before climbing out of the large lava lake and climbing up the small netherrack hill towards young Y/N.

“Oh, shut it! It’s not cheating when you can easily just come in and get me,”

“I can’t! I’d.. I’d-” her voice trailed as the young boy scoffed, shaking his head free of the sticking lava bits.

“I’d - I’d - I’d - You’d what, Sparkler? You’d be fine!” He laughed as she gutted out her bottom lip, hugging herself despite the sweltering heat surrounding the young siblings.

“Can we please just do something else? I’m tired of playing tag anyway…” She muttered, playing with the burnt edge of her t-shirt, as little Sapnap nodded, moving towards where he had placed his t-shirt and clothes. His little Diamond sword glittering from the falling lava as he picked it up, admiring himself in the blades’ reflection.

“Yeah, why don’t we try your training some more? I know you went easy on that Techno kid..” Sapnap lightly spat as Y/N frowned, tugging out her own diamond sword. Tracing her finger along the edge, meeting her own eyes in the mirroring image. Furrowing her brows as she stared into the reflection, noticing a sudden… Glow to her eyes.

Suddenly, her sword is knocked from her loose grip, nicking her fingertips as it clatters to the cracked floor. Snapping her head up, she growled towards her brother whilst he smirked, holding his blades’ point towards her chest.

“One point for me, sis..” He cackled as she scoffed, scooping up the sword as he took a step back readying himself again.

“Not fair, I-”

“All’s fair in war, Sparkler,” Sapnap spoke matter-of-factly, tilting his sword to the side while shooting her a wicked smile.

“This isn’t war, Sappy..” She rolled her eyes as he huffed, launching himself at her. She stepped back, stumbling over a crack before raising her own blade. The sharp metals met together and yelled as Sapnap continued his attack, bashing down on the opposing blade with a sneer. Y/N caught his blade and turned her own away from her body, hooking his and forcing it off of her. She watched as he stumbled back from the sudden force, shock evident on his face as she turned and rushed away as icy fear shot through her veins at his loud huff of annoyance.

“This seems a little,” she paused, spinning towards the left and catching his sword easily. “Excessive, Sap!” She called over the continuous screech of the metals meeting each other; sparks flying as she continued to back away. Y/N kept walking until she glanced back to see the edge of the netherrack hill, the lava lake below them popping and bubbling as she grew wide-eyed.

“Sapnap! Sap, stop the edge-” she suddenly cried out before she felt his sword slice down her arm, effectively cutting through her t-shirt sleeve and her skin in angry backlash, the bright crimson flying out as the blade clashed onto the netherrack. Her own sword clatters to the ground, her tired body following as she grasps her injured arm, choking sobs and gasps leaving her as she cradles herself.

Sapnap stood over her shaking body, his grip loosening on the hilt before allowing the sword to clatter by his feet while watching his sister wither. He swallows thickly before stepping towards her, only to stop as she tries to scoot away, despite the edge threatening the promise of falling into the lava below.

“Sap? Y/N/N?” A voice called out as footsteps approached the sibling pair. Sapnap looked towards the area it had come from and he felt dread and fear shoot through his veins as one of their father’s rounded the corner - his bright blue hoodie and jeans standing out from the harsh red tones. “Sap, what happ- Y/n! Baby, what the hell happened?!” He rushed towards the siblings, skidding across the rough floor as he scooped up Y/N’s small, sniffling body as one of his hands dragged her hand away from the wound.

“What happened?” Skeppy hissed as Sapnap gulped, his palms began to sweat as he opened his mouth, eyes watering.

“I… I didn’t mean,” his voice fell as Skeppy huffed, the look of disappointment already spreading across his father’s face. Silent tears dripped down Sapnap’s burning face as Skeppy stood, lifting Y/N’s shuttering body and holding her close to his chest before reaching one with one hand towards Sapnap, tugging him close as they left the swords behind… One blade still covered with blood while the other laid, threatening to tumble off the edge.. Who knew that the swords would soon represent the siblings soon enough..

~~~~

“Y/n?! Y/N!? Mi Amor?!” Quackity’s voice broke through the darkness, Y/N’s eyes fluttered open as Quackity’s thumb brushed over the tears that streaked down her reddening cheek. She suddenly gasped, shooting up from the floor as her fiance dove back, avoiding her sudden action. She curls in on herself, looking wildly around the room before noticing the door open and Sapnap gone.

“Where’s - Where’d he-” Y/N shook, her nails digging themselves into the meat of her calf as Quackity moved forward quickly, grabbing her wrist and gently tugging her hands from their tight grips on her.

“Gone. He’s gone and he’s never allowed back here, especially not after pulling that shit,” he hissed, pressing his forehead against her own. The feel of his hair, beanie, and grip on her wrists helped her slowly calm down, despite the pounding of her heart.

“He’ll never hurt you again, not while I’m here.” He whispered against her hairline before pressing his lips against her warm skin. Y/N allowed her eyes to flutter shut once more, leaning into the gentle yet grounding touch.

“He.. What the fuck happened?” She murmured, just above a whisper as Quackity sighed, gently dropping her wrists and standing, offering his hand to her as she shakingly stood with him.

“I.. I don’t even know,” Big Qs voice trailed as he reached up, rubbing his eyes with his free hand before gently guiding Y/N out of the room. “I was talking to Punz about how weird he’s been acting, and then we heard you scream.. But, we couldn’t get into the room and we didn’t know what was happening, but hearing you scream and just the shouts and threats made my blood boil,”

“Q, my dream, I’m okay now.. Sure, a little banged up and bloody,” she lightly chuckled, leaning into his side while showing the irritated and dried-up cuts on her palms; he frowned. “But, I’m alive and that’s thanks to you.” She mumbled, pressing her lips against his, grinning into the kiss as one of his arms wrapped around her waist, keeping her close as someone cleared their throats from behind them. Tilting her head, she shot a grin to Punz as he mirrored the smile.

“What no thanks to the guy who dragged your psychotic brother out?” He huffed, yet the teasing tone gave its way. Y/N chuckled before stepping away from Quackity and towards Punz, gripping his chin and pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek.

“That better, ya big baby?” She teased, a smile crossing both of their faces as Q chuckled, moving to her side as they moved towards the office. A smile still present on her face, however the feeling of dread and anxiety washed over her shoulders as she leaned further into Quackity’s side - him easily accepting it.

Something in her heart and mind told her this wasn’t going to be the last time blood was spilled on this country's land..

~~~~

Sapnap stumbled as Punz shoved him forward, his knees and palms colliding with gravel. He spun on his knees, blood streaking down his chin and throat, staining his white tee.

“You made a mistake coming here expecting anything but blood to be spilled.” Punz spat, wiping his hand across his dark jeans, the crimson streaking across it. Sap coughed out a laugh, blood and spit splattering onto the sand.

“That’s my sister! That’s my blood and he stole her-”

“She came here looking for him, Sapnap. She chose to live here, to stay here, to leave your ass behind. Respect that before something happens that no one can fix.” Punz hissed, his arms crossing over his chest as they held each other’s gaze. The bloody man scoffed, slowly sitting back on his calves as Punz took a step back, keeping their gaze locked.

“I’ll come back, it doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll still come back,” the raven-haired man slowly moved to stand, causing Punz to frown before his attention dragged up, spotting a colorful hoodie climbing up the tall, sandy hill.

“Karl. You’re a little late,” Punz frowned before nodding towards the brunette’s fiance. “Next time, don’t let him leave the house.. Especially with ill intentions.” He clicked his tongue as Karl moved closer, standing next to Sapnap, a frown evident on his face. He only nods towards Punz, who returns the gesture before turning on his heel and leaving the couple.

Karl knelt down next to Sap, carefully helping him stand. He flinched at the large gash, gently touching the dried blood with trembling fingers. Closing his eyes and biting his lip, Karl pressed his forehead to Sap’s, feeling the sticky sweat and if he focused hard enough, he could almost feel his pounding pulse.

“Why are you such a meathead?” He mumbled, pressing a chaste kiss to Sap’s cheek before leaning back, swallowing thickly with a sigh. “Leave them be, Sap.. They have their happiness, we have ours - let them have this.” His voice shaking as Sapnap froze, his body growing rigid as Karl tightened his hold on him. He could feel the heat slowly rising from Sapnap’s body, making him huff as he gave a squeeze.

“Let them live in their happiness and let us live in our own happiness- it’s what we deserve after everything,” he mumbled into Sap’s neck, the heat causing Karl to sweat and burn red. He shook from the pain rippling through his hoodie and jeans as Sapnap scoffed, his eyes watering.

“I’m done,” he whispered, making Karl lean back slowly to look him in the eyes, seeing the slow tears streak from the corner of his darkening eyes. “I’m done being a second thought - second place. Why does she get everything? Why does everything get handed to her while I have to claw and.. And fight, and bite to try and survive..?” Sapnap’s voice quivered as the smoke slowly dissipated, leaving him slumped against Karl’s frame.

“You don’t have to fight them… We have our country - our kingdom - where we’ll be safe, and no more second place, yeah? We’ll have each other, we’ll… We’ll have everything we need.” Karl stuttered, sliding his hands up and cradling Sap’s face with a hesitant tap on his left side, avoiding the gnarled gash. “We’ll make it..”

“I don’t want to just make it,” Sap hissed, resting his hand on top of the smaller male’s hand with a sigh. Tightening his grip, trying to clench his jaw only to wince in pain as Karl stepped closer, pressing his chest against his. Blinking, he revealed his vibrant orange eyes, smirking, “I want her to pay..”

~~~~

Night fell over the lively country, the neon signs buzzing and the streets were bustling with life, cool air blowing past, knocking strands of hair free as Y/N pressed herself against the railing. Quackity and her had left the casino, escaping to the Space Needle with both their thoughts battling against one another. She sighed, eyes flickering all over their country, able to see the night allow it to breathe its true beauty.

A hand grazed her lower back, causing her to slightly jump before sighing and relaxing into the touch as Quackity came into view. Shedding his blazer, situating it on top of her shoulders with a gentle peck.

“Enjoying the view?” He grinned as she hummed, leaning into his side as he placed an arm around her shoulders, rubbing his thumb across the soft material of his jacket. Big Q side-eyed her, still seeing the dazed and lost look in her eyes before he sighed, turning her towards him. “Are you still worried about Sapnap?”

She couldn’t help but scoff, “I know I acted big and not afraid, but… I know Sapnap. He’s going to do whatever he sets his mind to, so who knows what the hell is going to happen.” She sighed, reaching up and rubbing her eyes, relieving the itch from her glittery make-up.

“Mi Vida.. I know him too, remember? I was engaged to him,” Quackity chuckled, reaching up and brushing his thumb over her cheek. “And who cares what the hell happens? As long as I have you and our country safe, I could care less about what happens.” He smiled, leaning in and pressing their lips tightly together. Y/N couldn’t help but smile into the embrace, brushing her nose against his before reaching up and caressing his cheek, her thumb rubbing across the ridged scar.

“You’re crazy, Quackity,” she shook her head with a small smile as Quackity nodded, reaching into his slacks’ back pocket, pulling out a small velvet box. Y/N’s eyes grew wide at the sight of the box, her brows knitting together.

“I may be crazy, but I’m so lucky to have you. You saved me.” He mumbled, opening the box and revealing the golden band with a glittering Sapphire shimmered as he picked it up, offering it as Y/N nodded slowly. Pressing another kiss to her lips as she melted into it. His thumb brushing over her hip, hugging her closer as if to mold his body around her - to protect her.

“And you saved me, Mi Caballero,” she muttered against his lips before leaning back, seeing the dreamy look on his face.

“Come on, we need to meet everyone downstairs for a meeting. We need to discuss what protocols will be needed to ensure that Las Nevadas continues to stand.” A wide grin split across his face as he backed away, his hand still holding hers tightly before pressing small butterfly kisses across her now decorated knuckle before retreating back into the needle.

Y/N watched with a glowing smile, her grip tightening around the jacket whilst tugging it closer to her; turning back towards the lively city, she sighed. Quackity would do anything for her, and she would do anything for him. And that’s the scary part. They would give anything and everything up for the other to live carefreely.. And yet their happiness lived with one another, now there was a threat to their paradise.

Straightening her back, turning on her heel, and moving back inside, her face hardening as she moved swiftly towards the stairs. Dropping her hands from clutching the sides of her boyfriend’s jacket, the clicking of her heels against the polished quartz caused a smirk to grace her lips. Stopping a few steps above the floor, her eyes met Quackity and Punz, who held smiles. Punz moved towards her, offering a hand as she nodded, smirking still as Quackity met her halfway. “What’re we waiting for, boys? An invitation?”

~~~~

Her skin began to turn a grey color - rotting, withered almost - while vibrant blue washed over her eyes, and erupted in flames from her fingertips. Sapnap stumbled back, a scream escaping his lips before he slapped a hand over his mouth; fear rushed through his veins as he felt his own skin begin to heat up, feeling threatened.

“Sap.. Sapnap, I don’t know what’s happening-”

“Stay back and… And just stay there! Wait till Dad or Papa gets back!” He huffed, gulping as he watched her move her fingers, adjusting to the strength of the flames. A giggle left her lips as he furrowed his brows, why did hers look so different? Frowning at the flames, he stood and moved towards her, his orange flames mixing with hers as he lightly giggled as the flames danced it almost felt like light tickles.

“This is so cool! I’m just like you, Sappy!” Y/N broke into a huge smile as he lightly chuckled before giving a small nod.

“Yeah, you are, Sparkler… This is so weird, why are yours-”

“Sap, Y/N! We need help with, oh my muffin,” Bad went silent as Sapnap and Y/N turned towards their father, their little eyes growing wide as he dropped the groceries. He quickly moved towards them, gently taking Y/N’s hand into his as she quickly dropped the flames, feeling embarrassment crawl up her neck.

“Y/N/N, muffin-cake, what was that? When did this start?” Bad asked, carefully as she chewed on her bottom lip before allowing the flames to erupt again from her fingers.

“I… I don’t know. I’ve been able to do it for a little bit, but I never needed to.. Are you upset?” She mumbled the last part as Bad chuckled, wrapping his arms around the small girl with a sigh.

“Of course not, honey! I’m just surprised that you’ve developed something like Sappy!” Bad pressed a soft kiss to her hairline as Sap watched, jumping when a hand landed on his shoulder turning to meet Skeppy, who was grinning up a storm.

“Looks like we have a Blazeborn AND Soul eater.”

“A… what?” Sap and Y/N spoke together, causing their fathers’ to laugh.

“A Soul eater, someone who is able to walk across soul sand faster, control souls from the flames, and if threatened - like how Sap gets to summon lava? You’d be able to take over someone’s soul to deter them from hurting you.” Skeppy explained as the two siblings nodded, blinking as they looked at one another.

“That’s so cool!” Y/N exclaimed as they chuckled, nodding along as Sap frowned. He was the cool one before… He was the one who had powers from the Nether, and now she got those too?

Everything began to melt around him, causing him to jump and dodge the large drops of his old childhood house. Sand burst up through the floorboards as he jumped, dodging the floor exploding up, knocking him backward, and causing his back to collide with the sand. Scrambling to his feet, he huffed as he saw a figure standing before him, licking his lips and squinting he noticed the stature… Y/N.

“Y/N? Hey, what the hell is-” his voice trailed as he watched a ball of blue flame hurdle towards him. Throwing himself off to the side, feeling the extreme heat fly over him as his arms covered his head. Sitting on his calves, he turned to see part of an oak forest erupted into intense, crackling blue flames.

“ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!” Sapnap screamed towards his sister, standing onto his feet and seeing her body facing him, a blue flame still flickering in her palm. She stood as if she had an injury, favoring her right side. Narrowing his eyes, he summoned his own orange flames with a snarl. “You know this isn’t a fair fight, Y/N!” He shouted towards her, carefully moving through the sand towards her with creased lips. Keeping his flamed hand out ahead of him, in case of her firing another flame ball.

He stopped in front of her, her focus straight ahead yet he flinched at seeing the bright whites of her eyes as he moved around to her left, glaring. Dried blood flaked off of the side of her neck and stained her t-shirt, while crimson still dripped down from her fingertips, a gradually growing puddle made him frown.

“Sparkler..? What the hell happened-” he spoke, only to get cut off as it felt as if someone had stabbed a sword through his chest. Feeling his throat slowly close as his heart began to work double-time to try and get more oxygen flowing. The flames on his fingertips died quickly as he coughed and gagged, his eyes rolling back as he dropped to his knees, clawing at his throat to try and relieve any of the force before falling face forward, blacking out.

~~~~

Karl gasped, sitting up as he awoke, clawing at his own throat, feeling his heart pound against his chest like thundering hooves. Turning over, he sighed at the sight of Sapnap asleep next to him, flopping back down into the covers, Karl flicked his tongue over his lips as he squeezed his eyes shut, allowing the tears to streak down his cheeks.

The worst part about being a time traveler is the stories that get spoiled for you.. Especially those who you care about. Dragging one of his shaking hands over his face, he sighed gently as he turned onto his side, curling into Sap’s back finding comfort in the warmth radiating off his skin. Wrapping his arms around Sapnap’s middle, he pressed his nose between his shoulder blades, squeezing his eyes shut as images of Sapnap’s body laid before him - blood and sand coating him.

“Sap..? Sapnap, wake up,” Karl squeezed his sides and arms, causing him to hum and roll over, cradling the brunette close to his chest.

“What Kar,” his voice slurred with sleep, causing a spike of guilt to pierce Karl’s heart as he buried himself into the raven-haired man’s chest, fighting back tears.

“I love you. I love you so much, and I don’t want to lose you, please just leave them alone.. Please, I can’t handle losing you,” he mumbled into his fiance’s chest, clinging to him while Sapnap’s thumb dug circles into Karl’s shoulder, attempting to bring the brunette comfort even while sluggish with sleep. Sapnap could only hum, his mind still plagued with deep sleep before pressing his lips to Karl’s crown, snuggling further into the mop of curls below his chin.

“It’ll be fine, Karl.. Get some sleep.” The raven-haired man sighed, holding his lover closer at the feeling of Karl digging his blunt nails into Sap’s side and back.

Both of their minds are plagued with thoughts of either killing someone they love or watching someone they love die - both know blood will be spilled and their happiness is slowly becoming what could lead to their insanity…

~~~~

a/n; taglist wise stuff, I don't think I'll continue putting one unless asked, as so many people are liking and Tumblr does give a tagging limit! So if you're worried about missing something, please turn on my notifications! <3 I will also be working on the Male and GN versions of this for a few days, as this is a longer part, and I will also be working on Part 3!

Tags: @aphroditeandvenus-blog, @paintingportrait, @sourdoughnoodles, @mult1xtr1nna, @trashpiegon, @trixyvixen, @sxturn-0, @thescoutsb13tch, @banghaydencoven, @707xn, @supernaturalboi, @basementfloorfeelings, @june-x-boi, @aloookay,@dreamzluvrr, @theforestcryptid926, @fantasticpurseturtleknight, @cheesysin, @kxrmitty, @socially-blue, @excuijme, @lonley-nightmare, @kittenachu, @alleyesonmendes, @itsoakaa, @saifukus, @alec-lost-bee, @nattsaa, @dayanavmb, @boiciph3r, @leenthepanda, @0a-little-bit-of-everything0, @howdycharlie, @joinotfound, @coreys-riffin, @fa1ryclouds, @honeyimluctus, @tittylover6000, @noctis-yeye, @kiritokunuwu, @novelist2, @sn3k-was-here, @traumatizedladybug, @weepinghollywoodatsupernatural,

Until tomorrow, I hope you have a beautiful day! ~ J

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