virtual journal, 01/08

my daily notebooks + my very much daily bf

this evening i feel transported back to an ugly period in my life, fatigued and melancholic. i don’t feel worried, i know it’ll pass. i’ve done the work for it to pass. for today, i won’t shrink to a comforting inaction

🪷 reminders: outside the wind is blowing cold but i don’t need an excuse to go out, if stuck the only thing i can do is act through tiredness

100 Days of Productivity

Yes, I decided to join 100 Days of productivity because it hasn't been 48 hours and I discovered that it is a thing here [I'm new here].

So I might as well contribute to the chaos. Also would be snippets💌 of my mundane life ;D

Mic ON fellas 1..2..3

Terrific Tuesday, 12 September | [1/100]

✅Yayyy finally recorded a study with me video. [ feeling really accomplished;D ] I've been caring too much about perfection.

✅The NEXT milestone was this challenge.

✅Did a biology chapter revision, notes review and lecture for complicated topics

⏸I had a target of 400 MCQs, but approx 150 mcq are still left to do in 2 hours.

🚨Last week's mock test review still haunts my to-do list.

As of now, my goal is to increase question practice.

Song of the day- Dust by Seventeen 💎

Artist Herbert James Draper (1863-1920)

This is my dad… if you even care…

Tagged by lovely @themirokai. I didn't realise how much i wanted to journal some stuff out until now. thanks 👍.

Current time: 1:35am. which is not actually that late as i am live laugh loving in my nocturnal era. still plenty of time to watch a movie.

Current mood: creatively fraught. i want to get back into creative writing but I've gone so long without completing a project it feels hopeless. waiting on divine intervention at this point.

Current activity: vibing. (when i posted this originally it kept the previous description. i no longer remember what i was doing)

Currently thinking about: i really hope i don't get fired. also i need to clean more. also i need to do more admin. anxiety abounds.

Current favorite song: anything by MF Doom. 90s era. when i crack and swing back to whiny indie girl ballads its always gotta be Presumably Dead Arm by Sidney Gish though.

Currently reading: A Brief History of Seven Killings by Marlon James. its a fairly hefty book about Bob Marley. im loving its versatile writing style and the portrait it paints of the rationale behind sexual violence but i definetly feel like im missing a lot of Jamaican political context. sometimes it feels like a book you should be handed a textbook for before you start, but thats a fault of mine and not the authors. I was previously trying to force myself though Pride and Prejudice but i just cant. Im usually a sucker for classic lit but that era just doesnt do it for me. sad.

Currently watching: im planning on watching the summer i turned pretty before i go to bed. no tv shows right now though. only chick flicks.

Current favourite character: im thinking a lot about everyone from the Sandman series. especially our titular boy. the cheekbones stick out in the mind. im desperately fighting back against another batfam phase. refixating on Tim Drake and Jason Todd would entail a lot more comics and bad movie adaptations than im comfortable with right now.

Current WIPs: i have a lot of unfinished paintings in my sketchbook right now. we wont talk about my writing wips. can a messy room count as a wip? thats the projects taking up most of my emotional space right now

Tagging my favourite (cough: only) mutuals here. no obligations at all, ignore this at your own discretion. @mammoneythegreat @fandoms-incorrect-quotes

Not just new beginnings, but rather continue the journey to greatness and success

What is going on in life?

In the process of transitioning a new job, patching up previous accounts and working through the desired life.

It was then realizing that relaying too much on other people, this the reason why we couldn't bear the weight of life.

Between being a responsible adult who just emerged to the ranks of the working world, the underlying competition, the monthly dues, the race of acquiring better than your peers;

some call it burn out, maybe depression, or just lost.

At the same time still being the pupper who would rather follow the guardian, the grown up, the mature one, about everything silently.

Now, doing the latter is frightening as if walking to an unfamiliar path to get to the destination.

How will we reach to our destination if we don't want to walk? Waiting for someone to guide us as we just sight see our surrounding like toddlers?

In the unfamiliar path, we will certainly trip, fall, scrape our knees and bleed. We definitely also be feasted by mosquitoes, preyed by wolves, chased wild boars, and mistakenly eat something poisonous. Why, you might ask.

Because we in the unfamiliar. We haven't had a clue of what is awaiting us on the other side. We'd rather talk to someone who had already walked back* and ask them silly inquiries

but remember, we don't walk on the same path.

Thus experience it. Learn about the journey, your journey. The transition to your of you life that you want to live. Patch up the bruises you will get, avoid the den of the wild animals, and consume the right and healthy things in life.

*Filipino saying “papunta ka palang, pabalik na ako,”[Literal translation: You're just on your way, but I just got back from there] by the elderly is common. It is like an advice to the young that they know what they know, endured what they endured, and have the insight of the life because they already ‘walked on it.’ What they experience

#11

Hi, it's me again.

I'm feeling kinda bad tbh but I still (MY MUM BRING ALCOHOL WAIT A MINUTE)

But I still wanted to write this down while I'm being sensitive (hehe).

Ok, alcohol didn't make me feel a little better so I'm gonna write this pretty quick and go crying on bed.

The thing with friends it's kind of a trauma I had all my life. I wasn't someone who had a lot of friends when I was a child even though I always tried to be friendly and bla bla. Kids are the worst, more than adults.

Here is the thing. I considered close friends of mine to less than five people, and these months all of them evaporated from my life. Attitudes, situations, everything happened for me to wanted to stop being friends with them. And it hurts, in present tense. It hurts like a freaking break up where your own illusions of the person disappointed you.

It's been a while I'm feeling like I'm not a priority in anyone's life, people don't know the basics of me. And that's makes me think "tf it's happening? Why am I surrounded by this kind of people?" They're not bad people though, they would never make me feel inferior than them or straight up insult me on my face, but I feel like our friendship is not that important for them either.

I'm feeling more lonely because of this, than not dating anyone in a while, because I haven't had even a date in years. I'm feeling lonely with my friends, and that's not right.

I don't know if I need time apart from them, because I don't consider that a friendship where you have to apart from time to time to keep it up it's worth it. I truly don't know what to do but isolate myself until I figure this out. I'm getting tired of it, but as I can't afford therapy, I will just exist until the world decides to give an answer (I appreciate if y'all do it tho, ilu <3)

Future self: today there's no advice, I just want to have a glass of alcohol and a pretty girls' night with you while you tell me how the freak fck you did to overcome this. Love you bby, always remember that you just need to climb from where you are.

her.

I might have known her since we were kids.

She isn’t my closest person but I suppose I know her more than anyone.

She isn’t beautiful in a way which will make you go “damn that’s hot”,         But she’s pretty in a way that you just won't be able to put your finger on as to why you can’t look away.

She’s peaceful in a calm chaotic way she’ll dance with you all night but she’ll also be welcome to just sit down for a cup of coffee by evening’s light.

And she’s funny,                                                                                                 Not the kind of funny that comes out as mean but certainly the kind to have your eyes blurred with tears and your cheeks hurting from stretches.

And she’s artistic,                                                                                            She’s the kind that will sit you down just to admire a canvas, she’s the kind that will watercolour your eyes just right so that you can distinguish the light from the pigment.

And she may have the best sense of fashion I have seen                        Because I wouldn’t have paired those jeans with that top but darn that looks awesome.

And she has the best taste in music,                                                              From the retro bands to your wannabe rappers and she’ll pick your favourites.

And she’s a great listener,                                                                               She’ll be there to listen to your own written heartbroken songs to the stories of what funny things Mr Jackson said in history today, she’ll listen to all the debates of whether the love of your life did mean it when they said that they liked you at 3 in the morning.

And she’s not the best at school,                                                                       But she’ll amaze you with the random information about why spiders are spiders and she’s smart in a cerebral way.

And she’s the biggest book nerd ever,                                                        Whether booktok or unfiltered classics she must have read all of them.

And she writes,                                                                                                  She writes these beautiful stories on how Earth may just be a bit too beautiful and how she just can’t wait to have the familiar feeling of knowing someone from another life.

And she’s the kind to hug you when you’re broken and say nothing for it,    She’ll take all of your broken pieces and she’ll try to shape anew a feeling meant to be.

She’s not perfect 

But

She might just be. 

𝙒𝙀𝙇𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙀

𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑦 𝑣𝑖𝑟𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑟𝑦ও

▏𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺

▏𝘱𝘰𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘺

▏𝘢𝘳𝘵

▏𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘤

▏𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤

▏𝑟𝑜𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑠𝑖𝑧𝑒

▏𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑓𝑒𝑠𝑡

▏𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑒

this is for my venting and any thoughts i have :3

Day 3 | Thursday with thunder ⚡| 14th sept

morning blessed with extraordinary period cramps (insert my creepy smile here)

I literally had to challenge my brain's capacity to solve any questions, so I only attended my lectures and took notes while slouching the whole day.

🥛a hot cup of milk and gose helps

I made some poster-like things for my desk because my brain has creativity

I might get started with my digital art practice to keep my creativity alive.

Don't go insane. 💪🏻👹

I'll be sleeping early. I've little to no patience with this cramp.

sleep 🤝🏻 avoiding my problems 😗

I got a notification it's going to thunder *⁠\⁠0⁠/⁠*

song of the day -

art is not mine

Im gonna go insane I can’t do this holy shit I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t

degrassi is so good

i cant believe i didnt watch it when it came out. it wouldve taught me a lot

But the thing I think I hate most about BPD is the anger. I hate it with everything in me. I hate being angry. I hate feeling it. It is never a normal amount, it's either all my rage or nothing at all. I can't let small, healthy amounts of it out. I either say nothing or I explode. It's just like my mother. I fucking hate it. I want to be the opposite of her, I don't want a singular similarity with her. She's a piece of shit, abusive, narcissistic bitch. She's a monster. She is why I will never have a remotely normal life. She made me into the broken, repulsive creature I've become. She's why I have to be on the meds, why I'm doomed to a diagnosis with a 10% fatality by suicide rate. I'm cursed to be part of the 80% of people with the diagnosis who struggles severely with suicide. And it's all her fault. All she had to do was the bare minimum. All she had to do was love me. She chose to keep me. She chose to bring me into this world, and then she chose to keep me despite the ENTIRE family telling her to fucking put me up for adoption. She kept me and then destroyed me. All she had to do was love me. Teach me the bare minimum. That's it. But no. She decided to destroy the fragile life she chose to keep. And now I have to work so fucking hard to make sure I don't become like her. It's not fair. It's not fair in the slightest. I was supposed to be normal. I wasn't supposed to be like this

Daily updates will be here from now on, In'sha'Allah.

I have absolutely zero shame in admitting that not many people might be interested in my daily life outside internet. So, I'll write here. Probably to and for myself 😭