I wish I could do psychic damage to people every time they looked at me

Unspecified personality disorder w/ high npd traits culture is the lyric “I couldn’t stand the person inside me, I turned all the mirrors around.” from the song Control by Halsey.

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I am slowly getting worse and worse everyday, and eventually I’m probably just gonna stop getting up from bed to take care of myself and just lay there to rot.

Does anyone else get the, what I call, “misdirected helping” urge where you see someone who is struggling and they don’t have the same survival tactics/core beliefs/pd-traits as you and you want to help them gain those to help them survive?

Like when I see someone being insecure about being insulted, I feel like I want to help, and the way that feels natural is to tell them to never let anyone step on them ever again they need to stand up straight and fuck literally everyone who stands in their way! The world is tough and you are tougher! Get revenge if you need it! Take what’s rightfully yours! But I realize the more therapy skills I gain the worse that way of “helping” is

I think my dad did the same to me when I was a child, he wanted to help me and the way he knew how was to make me tougher than anything that could be hurting me, instead of like teaching me emotional regulation or helping me feel safe and like I could depend on others

Feel free to reblog with your stories about when you used “misdirected helping” (is there a real word for that?)

People who spread cluster b or pd stigma do not interact lol

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to kill myself

I wish I was better at everything. Better looking, better at art, better at singing, better at talking, better at living, better at existing, the list goes on.

When your boyfriend gets a little puppy and then all his monotonedness goes away

Living with a personality disorder be like-

I feel like I’m being stripped of my soul, with every year that passes I lose myself more and more.

One day I will be but a shell.

🎨?

It took me a long time to realize that consequences aren't punishments, and neither are the bad things that just simply happen.

I didn’t realize how much anger my body had build up but could never let out… except online and on this blog. The fact I couldn’t say most of this out loud makes me realize why I had gotten almost worse. Shake the soda can but it cannot contain itself so it had to go somewhere.

Also I wonder how many people blocked my account.. join the club when no one understands or likes you, leaving u unable to explain. They leave. It’s okay I’m so use to it by now. Isn’t that sad. Being ok if everyone hates you and doesn’t want anything to do with you. Eventually all you can do is hate yourself more for being you or saying or having certain feelings. ( also when I write in 3rd person, 10000% talking about me, I write that way because it feels better lie someone understands, when really they don’t, I like to think someone does)

Unspecified personality disorder w/ high npd traits culture is My Ordinary Life by The Living Tombstone

Specifically these parts:

“They tell me they’re below me. I act like I’m above. The people blend together but I would be lost without their love.”

“Can you heal me. Have I gained too much? When you become untouchable, you’re unable to touch.”

“Is there a real me? Pop the champagne. It’s hurts me just to think, and I don’t do pain.”

“Lay still, restless. Losing sleep while I lose my mind. All thrill, no stress. All my muses left behind.”

“World is below. So high up I’m near divine. Lean in, let go. I feel fear for the very last time.”

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I’ll never get the right medicine or right therapist for my problems, I’ll never heal. I’ll get worse and worse until I kill myself.

I think something that shaped me a lot while growing up was my parents’ habit of not quite seeing me as a human being? Not only in the way that they’d be rude to me I mean in the deepest sense that they seemed to think human experiences like being sick or sad or scared or hungry didn’t apply to me or even more accurately it simply doesn’t cross their minds to think about me in those terms

My mum was very confused about why I haven’t showered despite having greasy hair and I said “remember how we yesterday talked about me probably having covid and I took the covid test and it was negative but you said the negatives can’t be trusted and I still probably have covid? I am exhausted and sick so I can’t stand up long enough to shower” and she was still confused about how I don’t have the energy to shower because it’s such a simple task. Not in a belittling way, just genuine incomprehension of the reality that I am tired and sick for real and it has a real effect on me that is noticeable In Reality. Not even having the plague of the decade made sense to her as a reason for why I experience a human reaction to disease (getting tired when sick) it was simply too strange of a phenomenon

It reminded me a lot of every time I have been sick or hungry or tired and my parents have expected me to put my physical health aside because it should be irrelevant to how well I perform tasks

I think this is definitely related to my NPD and tendency to value myself based on not having physical needs or being “less ruled by them” than other people aka not taking care of myself

It’s not really in an “I don’t deserve to be taken care of” way but more of an “if I can prove that I don’t have human needs I will be better than everyone ever and can never be criticized or belittled or worthless or forgotten or neglected because there isn’t even anything to forget or neglect” way

NPD havers feel free to also talk about moments that shaped your PD into what it is in the reblog

I can’t do anything interesting, useful, cool, helpful, you name it. I just can’t do shit.

I just hate myself so much, I wish I could disappear into nothingness but also if I don’t have a body, how is anyone supposed to notice me and give me all the attention I deserve, but I also don’t deserve anything good so (is cursed in an endless loop)