#trying to get myself to finish something bigger but responsibilities are. a lot
Text
sketch dump
#gay people real#squeezes them in my hands. abnormal behaviour#pathologic#мор утопия#pathologic 2#daniil dankovsky#burakhovsky#artemy burakh#the bachelor pathologic#the haruspex#clara saburova#transgender daniil dankovsky#trying to get myself to finish something bigger but responsibilities are. a lot
940 notes
·
View notes
Text
personal collaboration ~ eminem
word count: 2403
request?: yes!
“Hi!! Can I request a Eminem x reader and the reader is also a singer and they do a song together and rumors are going around that they are dating and they confirm it in a interview.
Take your time if you need ☺️ thank you !!”
description: after dating rumors start to spread following the release of their song, they decide it’s time to set the record straight
pairing: eminem x female!reader
warnings: swearing
masterlist (one, two)
(y/s/n) = your stage name
The last thing I expected when I agreed to do a song with the Eminem was for it to end up as anything more. Getting the call alone was enough to make me freak out, and when I walked into the studio to meet him for the first time I had basically forgot how to function.
He was incredibly kind, even when I was embarrassing myself with my nerves. We took some time to write together, he showed me the beat he had made for the song, and we spent a few days in the studio recording. We became friends soon enough.
We became more than friends a lot sooner afterwards.
It happened the first night we performed the song live. Marshall brought me out on stage and it was the biggest audience I’ve ever performed for. I was nervous, but at the same time being on stage with Marshall gave me the adrenaline rush I needed to get through the performance.
The rush, however, followed me off stage, where I grabbed Marshall and kissed him without thinking. I broke from my trance pretty quickly and pulled away.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I had said, my face burning with embarrassment.
I was taken by surprise when he pulled me in to kiss him again.
After that, we had pretty much developed an unspoken agreement that we were dating. We didn’t go on any real dates since we wanted to keep our relationship a secret, and since it started while we were on tour, we spent most of our time holed up in hotel rooms or on the tour bus. Neither one of us asked the question to make the relationship official. It just sort of happened naturally.
But, of course, it’s hard to keep things a secret when you’re famous. People started to notice that I was spending a lot of time on Marshall’s bus, and would rarely take the excuse of “It’s just because we’re on tour together” that I would give them. Once the tour ended and I was spotted in Detroit a lot or Marshall was spotted in my hometown, people started speculating then, too. It became a bigger story than I ever thought it would be, and I kind of liked playing into the mystery to drive our fans crazy.
A few years passed of us together, never confirming the relationship but never really denying it, either. We frequently collaborated with one another, which just sent everyone into even more of a frenzy every time we released a song together. It was fun, but eventually we knew we’d have to say something. So we decided to do so when promoting the joint tour we were doing following the release of our separate solo albums.
I was sat backstage, having the finishing touches of my makeup put on as we waited to be called out for our segment. Marshall was stood behind me, pretending to be on his phone but every so often I’d catch him looking up at me through the mirror. I smiled every time he would quickly look away and try to pretend he hadn’t been looking.
“You know, it’s not hard to see why everyone figured out you two were dating very early on,” my makeup artist said. “You two are very obvious.”
I looked at her in mock shock. “What?! I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
Marshall chuckled behind me as she gave me a look. “Yeah, sure. You’re totally not eye fucking each other through the mirror.”
The shocked look on my face this time was real. I tried to say something, but my response came out stuttered. She smirked at me in triumph as she brushed the last bit of foundation over my cheeks.
“I guess you caught us,” Marshall said, playfully. He came up behind me and I looked up at him. “And we thought we were being so secretive.”
I giggled as he lowered his head to kiss me. My makeup artist made a noise of protest and quickly got between us.
“Her lipstick is perfect and I don’t have time to fix it!” she said. “Keep it in your pants till the interview is over.”
We both shared a look before Marshall whispered in my ear, “That just makes me want to ruin it more.”
My makeup artist shot him a dirty look as I started to laugh.
I wasn’t nervous for the interview leading up to it, but once Marshall and I were standing at the curtains, waiting to be announced to come out, I felt my nerves starting to go wild. I worried about how everyone would take it once we confirmed our relationship. They seemed to like it now, but what if I had been reading the situation wrong? What if we told them we were dating and everyone hated us for it? What if it got so bad it became a PR problem so our managers would have to do some damage control by making us fake breaking up? I had heard stories like that from others in the industry, but I never thought it could be a reality for me.
I didn’t realize I was breathing so heavily until Marshall took my hand and looked at me in concern. “Are you okay?”
My heart was beating so loudly I almost couldn’t hear his question. “I’m really nervous.”
That was an understatement, but I didn’t have time to unload all of my worries on him right now.
He squeezed my hand reassuringly. “Don’t worry, it’ll be okay. Our fans have been suspicious for years about our relationship, so it’s not like they’ll be upset when they find out. Take a couple deep breaths, calm yourself down. If you need more time, I can ask them to delay our segment.”
I knew that wasn’t an option, but I appreciated that he would try. “I’ll be okay. Let’s just get out there and get this done with.”
As if on cue, we heard the interviewer announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, Eminem and (Y/S/N)!”
We walked out to roaring applause from the audience. Marshall had let go of my hand and I deeply wished he hadn’t but it wasn’t time to make that announcement yet. We had to ease into it, like we planned.
We shook hands with the interviewer and took our seats next to his desk. I tried not to focus on the many eyes that were watching us so intently.
“Welcome to the show, both of you,” the interviewer started. “And, (Y/S/N), welcome to late night talk shows in general. This is your first time being on one, right?”
“Yeah it is,” I said. I paused and smiled at the crowd as they cheered again.
“That’s crazy. You’ve been in the business for so long and you haven’t been on a late night talk show?”
“Not yet. I’ve always wanted to, and especially after my first album did so well and it was so obvious that my career was skyrocketing. But I got booked for my first talk show gig years ago, before I even did the first song with Marshall, and I got such bad nerves that the night before I was throwing up with anxiety. My manager had to call and cancel the booking. I felt terrible because I heard a bunch of my fans had bought tickets to be in the audience and then I couldn’t go.”
Thinking back on it, that definitely played a part in why I was so nervous for this talk show. Not only was it the one where I would be announcing my relationship with one of the biggest rappers in the world, it was also my first one after a terrible experience years beforehand that led to disappointment from my fans.
No pressure or anything.
“Oh my God, that’s terrible,” the host said. “I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope it’s not as bad now.”
“I’m still pretty nervous, but not physically ill or anything. I am shaking, though, your cameras will probably pick up on that.” I showed the cameras my shaking hands for good measure.
“Well, you have a veteran at the business with you for this appearance at least, so that must help.”
I tried not to be so obvious as I smiled at Marshall. It helped more than anyone knew at this point.
The interviewer started asking us about our albums. Marshall went first to talk about his, specifically his decision to promote this one instead of doing a surprise release like his last two albums. The actual answer for that was that he was using the album and the tour as an excuse for us to finally talk about our relationship, but the answer to cover that for the time being was that he wanted to see how the reactions to the album would be with promotion versus just a surprise release.
When the attention turned to me, I talked about how excited I was to release my third studio album and how surreal it felt to have worked on three albums, with my first two recently having gone gold and my most popular track reaching a billion streams on Spotify. It was easy to talk about as it was something I was genuinely grateful for, so the words flowed out of me effortlessly.
“And you two have become frequent collaborators,” the host noted. “I mean, Eminem, you have a handful of people you often collaborate with anyways - Pink, Ed Sheeran, Rihanna - but (Y/S/N), Em is so far the only person you’ve collaborated with numerous times.”
I looked over at Marshall, my words caught in my throat. Was now the time?
“It’s hard to say no when such a legends askes to work with you,” I said instead, internally cringing at the uncertainty in my voice.
I knew the host had caught it as well, but he didn’t push the matter any further. I almost sighed in relief at that, until I realized there was still so much of the interview left.
“Speaking of your collaborations, you both recently announced you’re going on tour together,” he continued. “It starts next year, you’re going across the country first. Any plans to go international with it?”
“Eventually,” Marshall responded. “We don’t want to announce anything just yet because we’ve been in talks with a few festivals happening over the summer, so that’ll determine when we’ll be able to travel outside of the country.”
“Oh, which festivals are we talking?”
“We can’t tell you, it’s a secret!” I said.
“Can’t blame a guy for trying.” He shrugged dramatically as the audience laughed. “Now, this may be your first official tour together, but it’s not the first time you have both been on the road together. If I remember correctly, back when you did that first song together, (Y/S/N), you travelled with Em for some time. There were a lot of pictures of you getting on and off the tour bus with him, even on nights that you didn’t perform with him.”
My heart started pounding again. Now was the time. I couldn’t miss this opportunity like I missed the last one.
“Well...you see...the thing about those-those pictures is...uh...”
I looked over to Marshall for help. I felt tongue tied and wasn’t sure I’d be able to actually get it out on my own.
He reached over and took my hand. I could hear a few gasps and a hushed whisper through the audience.
“What (Y/S/N) is trying to say is that the rumors that have been going around for years are all true. We’ve been in a relationship since that first tour. We thought it was time we stopped hiding it - or trying to hide it, I guess - and come clean with everyone.”
The audience cheered at our confession and the host looked over the moon at the news. I’m sure he was thinking about how well this would do for his ratings.
Personally, I just felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Finally, I felt like I could breathe again.
The interview came to an end soon enough. The interviewer thanked us for being there and we thanked him for having us. We promoted the albums and the tour one last time before commercial was called and our segment ended. As we got up to leave, the interviewer thanked us one more time. I could still see the giddy excitement in his face.
When we got backstage, I immediately went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. While my nerves had settled a little after the confession, they started going haywire again as I realized we’d have to see the reactions now that the interview was over. I wasn’t sure I was ready to see them.
“You’re worried for nothing, babe,” Marshall assured me as I dried my face. “The news was well received.”
“Yeah, it was here by an audience and a man who’s gonna make profit off of the news,” I muttered. “We don’t know how everyone is going to take it.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and forced me to look at him. “Listen, (Y/N). We can’t please everyone. There’s always going to be someone out there who doesn’t like our relationship for one stupid reason or another. But, as of right now, the majority is in favor of us. You don’t have to stress like this. I promise, it’ll be alright.”
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I relaxed into Marshall’s touch and let him pull me into an embrace. I rested my head against his chest, taking in his warmth and the sound of his heart beating.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I mumbled into his chest.
“You’d probably be hunched over the toilet throwing your guts up over a late night interview again.”
Marshall laughed as I shoved him away from me, throwing my wet towel at him for effect. “Okay, I take back everything I said. Fuck you, I actually hate you. Relationship over.”
“Sure, tell that to the house we own together and the tour we’re going on,” he teased. “Face it, babe, you’re stuck with me.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
#eminem#eminem imagine#eminem x reader#marshall mathers#marshall mathers imagine#marshall mathers x reader#imagine#one shot#request#fanfiction#fanfic#fandom
633 notes
·
View notes
Text
thanks a lot, cupid
part 02 / surrounded by homosexuals ☆
masterlist
warning(s): possible typos, profanity
let’s give a little context, shall we? currently, we are set a few months prior to the present timeline– yn’s sophomore year, nearing the end of sophomore year to be specific. she and keiji have been dating for 5 months, and today is the annual art exhibition of yūgen university, a day where all the art students gather their most prized and successful art pieces for the public to view and even buy off during the auction portion of the event. as joyous as this day should be, yn’s mind clouded with thoughts regarding her boyfriend.
keiji was great! he was sweet, thoughtful, evidently handsome, and universally, an ideal boyfriend. but… recently the spark seemed to die out. with promised dates being frequently forgotten and feelings bottled within the two individuals, until they decide to burst and drench the couple with a bitter taste, yn was beginning to think it would be a good idea to break up.
this takes us to a gloomy yn who just finished getting ready for tonight's event, waiting for her brother and his girlfriend to make their way from the downstairs flower shop to the apartment above. identifiable voices followed familiar footsteps up the building’s stairs. “you ready, picasso?” tetsurou chimed, head peeking through the rails.
cecily followed suit, giggling about, “ohh, you got the name right this time!”
“what can I say, I support the art community.”
“yeah, I'm ready.” yn answered, walking over to the two.
“oh wow,” cecily awed, staring at the younger girl. “you look great, peach. let me go freshen up, I’ll meet the two of you in the car. give me five minutes!” in a hurry, the oldest of the three swept over to her bedroom to get dressed as the kuroo siblings grabbed their belongings before exiting the premises.
“keiji texted me,” tetsurou mumbled, opening the car door for his sister. “said he can’t make it to the exhibition.” the second half of the sentence was almost inaudible if not for yn’s perked ears.
“for some reason that doesn’t surprise me.”
“tried to see if it was a surprise and he was just saying that to catch me off guard, but apparently he forgot about today and accidentally scheduled something else that he can't reschedule.”
“how romantic. well, that adds more reasons why we should break up.” yn murmured, picking up her phone to check if keiji decided to text her the news himself, “did he say anything as to why he couldn’t tell me any of this himself? or was it the usual use tetsurou as my personal messenger?”
as a response, tetsurou passed his phone over to yn with the screen showing his conversation with keiji.
please tell yn for me
I don’t think I have enough courage to do so myself.
I’m sorry.
the car ride to the university was quiet despite cecily’s attempts to try and get the siblings into a conversation. once parked, the three made their way to the art building to transfer yn’s paintings to the place the exhibition was being held where a crowd of friends and family of other art students awaited to enter.
“holy shit. the crowd seems bigger than it was in freshmen year.” mori gasped, fingers fidgeting with his nametag.
ignoring the whole relationship situation, yn couldn’t help the growing feeling of excitement for tonight's event. her art occupied a huge chunk of her heart and soul. she spent laborious days, weeks, and months on her paintings. sure her boyfriend who she was going to break up with couldn’t make it and somehow talk her into not breaking up but! her friends, her brother, and proud administrators who have actually supported and encouraged her passion were with her, and that’s all that mattered.
the event itself went smoothly. various compliments and pictures with admirable professionals struck yn’s heart with pure serotonin, “If I died right at this moment, I swear I would die with no regrets.”
“that’s a lie. you’d die a virgin which is lame.” rin interjected,
“nothing wrong with that.” koushi said matter of factly.
“says the non-virgin.” tooru smirked, earning multiple gags from the group.
rin rolled his eyes at the couple, “first of all, ew. second, the auction is starting in fifteen minutes, mr. vanderaz said to start putting the things you wanna auction off into the stage room.”
“oh! I need help moving my things then,” mori exclaimed, “see you there, yn!” he gave his best friend a quick hug before dragging rintarou, tooru, and koushi over to help him.
“alright! which pretty paintings do you want moved over to the stage room?” koutarou beamed, ruffling the girl’s hair.
“oh, these three please!” yn answered, pointing over to the three beside her, “also, I really gotta make a quick phone call, I’ll meet you guys there?”
cecily, who yn informed about her thoughts regarding breaking up with keiji, quickly understood what was happening. “meet you there, peaches.” she gave a reassuring kiss on the girl’s cheek before going over to tetsurou and koutarou to help carry the canvases.
quickly making her way outside the building to a secluded bench, yn dialed keiji’s number half hoping for him to pick up, half hoping that maybe she wouldn’t have to hear his voice and cry because she hated ending things, especially a 5 month relationship. A few seconds passed before the overfamiliar calming voice of keiji akaashi was heard on the other side of the line,
“yn?”
“hey, uhm are you busy right now?”
“…kind of? not really, why what's wrong? how’s the art exhibition? I’m sorry I couldn’t make it…”
“It’s fine…I mean no it's not fine-”
“what do you mean? did you get hurt?”
“no, no that’s not what I meant. I was referring to you not coming…I actually called because I wanted to talk about us.”
“oh.”
“keiji… you’re a great guy but these few months have been really emotionally draining for me and I just don’t think I can do this anymore. you haven't been keeping your promises and with all the small arguments we’ve had recently, I just…I think it would be best if we…if we broke up.”
“…”
“keiji? keiji please respond. this is really hard for me too and I just really need you to say something. anything. please.”
“I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you yn…I’m sorry.”
the sound signaling the call ended echoed throughout the empty night, drowning out the bustling noise from the inside of the building and it wasn’t until the soft pitter patter of rain that yn realized she had been holding in bulky tears that now streamed down her face, warming her cold cheeks.
a few minutes passed until someone noticed yn’s absence and went to look for her. finding the crying girl outside and alone made the heart of the individual ache. slow, quiet footsteps made their way to the bench, stopping in front of the girl. no words were exchanged, just pitying eyes and a warm embrace.
“thank you, kozu.”
part 01 ugly and bitchless <- | masterlist | -> part 03 stuck w me
note(s): none of the pictures used are mine!!
#🐈.thanksalotcupid#kozume kenma#kenma kozume#kozume kenma x reader#kozume kenma x fem!reader#kenma kozume x reader#kenma kozume x fem!reader#kenma x reader#kozume x reader#smau#kenma smau#haikyuu#haikyuu smau#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! smau
126 notes
·
View notes
Text
WIP Whenever (Actually on a Wednesday!)
@chevvy-yates had tagged me in a WIP Whenever thingy last week (I think? What is time) and @breezypunk sharing their WIPs reminded me I meant to do this. So, stuff I'm working on!
Over my Christmas break, I just started barely scratching the surface of working on my own custom poses. Because I'm me, I desperately need some battle couple poses--Fighting side-by-side, holding the other one while they're wounded, maybe fighting each other, etc. I compiled a Pinterest inspo board here to get an idea of what I'm going for.
This pose isn't anywhere close to being finished, but it's a start:
A small confession: while I actually like working in Blender quite a bit, I kind of hate everything else about modding, lmao. I've probably said it before, but my day job requires me to use so many shitty apps and software that always require 37 workarounds just to perform normally--I really don't have a lot of patience for troubleshooting shit during my leisure hours. Hopefully, the project won't become too much of a headache when I get into importing and working with props. 🤞
Virtual photography is always a constant for me these days--I was actually thinking yesterday how it feels like the absolute perfect creative medium for me. I like drawing and writing and 'real' photography, and I very much need to make sure I have more analog and tactile creative projects to keep me sane, but VP just hits in a way nothing else really has.
I am still working on the photostory I shared last time, but I don't want to give away too much there. It's also on a bit of a pause while I figure out some tech issues (read: I regret updating my game, lmao). However, I already have a ton of shots/mini-stories I need to queue up:
Other than that, it's kind of personal reflection shit and contemplating goals/resolutions for 2024. Getting long-winded and a little blunt under the cut:
I've always really struggled with making goals--I don't think I've ever had a situation in which I explicitly stated "I have a goal of XYZ" and then I achieved XYZ. I've had plenty of nebulous "Hey, I think I'd like to do XYZ" thoughts and then lo and behold, I do actually make XYZ a reality, but as soon as the word "goal" is attached to something, I just check tf out.
It was actually something I was trying to talk to my therapist about last summer, and then we kind of hit a dead end on that specific topic and decided I had other problems that were more pressing to deal with, lmao. But all the best goal advice in the world--following the SMART method, sharing it with someone for extra accountability, etc.--Just does not work with my brain.
(The accountability thing in particular always hugely backfires for me because just telling someone I want to do a thing tricks my brain into thinking I did that thing and now I don't need to anymore. Also, I don't like people telling me what to do, so if someone was like "hey, shouldn't you do this thing so you can meet your goal" I will say no just on principle of being a brat, lmao. I really hate that piece of advice.)
I know some of it, probably a lot of it, is fear of failure if I don't meet the goal. I'm very hard on myself--That's a no-brainer.
But I also think some of it, maybe just as much, is fear of success. Which I used to think was the stupidest fucking thing anyone could say about this shit, but success can mean big change. Success can mean increased feelings of imposter syndrome. Success can mean attention and responsibility I don't want. Success can mean bigger consequences if I do fuck up later.
I've come to realize that success is honestly as equally scary to me as failing.
I think this is a big reason I've always been content (or convinced myself to be content) with being good and not great, even if that means I'm not reaching my ~*full potential*~. (There are other external/macro reasons for that too, like my loathing of people trying to push me to monetize my passions, but I don't feel like getting into systemic gripes, lmao.)
Goals that require me to step outside of my usual routine also give me a lot of anxiety, which is something I've working towards managing (you could say that it's a goal of mine to get that under control dfgjhfjgdf), but that's still a very real hurdle for me.
Like I've been trying to go back to a minimum of 20 minutes of dedicated exercise (versus just walking a lot) a 3 times a week, and I get stressed if I miss it, or even just feel like I'm going to miss it (like if 7 PM starts creeping up and I haven't started it yet), but I also get all bent out shape spending 20 minutes on exercising while I'm doing it as if there's a better use of that time and THERE'S NOT. Like, what am I really missing? 20 minutes of scrolling Tumblr? Shut the fuck up, lmao.
All this to say that I don't really feel like I'm ready to set goals in a traditional sense, and that might not be something that ever works for me, but there are things I think would just be... kinda nice for me to do for myself that I want to do this year:
I need to actually be nicer to myself.
As a matter of fact, @ren3gade--I hope you don't mind the tag, but I've been meaning to thank you for the "forgive yourself" advice you shared a couple of months back. I started making it a point to use that in my self-talk when I start spiraling, and it has been one of the best means of mitigating certain aspects of my social anxiety. I felt goofy as hell when I first started doing it, but that shit works. Positive self-talk makes you feel better, wow, who knew certainly not me
In a similar spirit, I want to stop being so judgemental about my limitations, and I need to mitigate feelings of guilt when I set boundaries for my mental health and energy.
This is something I want to achieve in all areas of my life, but I think the easiest place for me to start flexing these muscles is with fandom. Because, damn, I let myself get into some really bad habits with the CP77 fandom (and I forgive myself for that 🙌).
One of the big ones has been putting pressure on myself to keep up with what all my CP77 mutuals are doing at all times, and I'm not doing that to myself anymore. I've spent so much time in the past two years methodically going through tags and blogs to catch up on stuff I missed, and I'm just... relieving myself of this obligation. I know a lot of folks have tried to mitigate that for themselves by encouraging everyone to use their username-tracked tag--I'm not doing that. I'm not giving y'all more tagging work, and I'm not going to give myself the same obligation just in a different way. If I miss a post, I miss a post.
Of course y'all are always more than welcome to @ me or send me things you think I'd enjoy (I love that, actually!!), but I'm just one person--I'm incapable of being an omnipresent fandom cheerleader and I don't know why I was pushing myself to be that. Well, that's not entirely true--I have some idea of why, but that's also a mentality I'm leaving in the dust. 😘
Also, for a long time, I did not use the like button for anything other than personal posts purely out of spite because I got tired of people complaining when they'd get likes but not reblogs--My asshole mentality was "Fine, now you get nothing." And that worked for me for several years and several fandoms, but I'm frankly tired of the "like" slander on Tumblr. It's a valid form of interaction and letting someone know you liked their stuff. I don't say this with malice, but other people's mentality of being unhappy with likes instead of reblogs is not my burden to bear.
Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a rant about fandom stuff, lmao, but the point is I need more boundaries in my life, and I'm starting here.
I'm happier when I spend more time than I have been on traditional art and creative things that get me off my PC.
Like I said above, I love VP so much, but it does unfortunately tether me to my computer desk longer than is probably good for me in the long run, mentally and physically. I stocked up on some new traditional art supplies, and I need to put those to use now that I'm settled into my new place. (And I've been itching to do a charcoal portrait of my bb girl.)
Reading books (gotta be physical, no screens) also makes me feel better.
I've got about 7 books on my nightstand that I could totally finish this year--Doing that might be the one stereotypical goal I make for myself.
I want to reevaluate how I "multitask;" in particular, I want to break the habit of always having to have a background show/movie on OR always feeling the need to do something on my computer/phone while I watch a show/movie.
Even as a kid (way before I lost my attention span to my smartphone lmao), I've always been inclined to doing something else while I watch shows and movies, but that used to be limited to drawing or painting my nails, which I think is fine. Now I just always feel like I need a screen nearby to do something else, even if there's really not something else worth doing.
And listening to music or podcasts while I work on a thing is also fine, but it's gotten to the point where I almost can't have complete silence, and I don't like that. I miss being comfortable with silence while I pour all of my focus into a project. I just need to find some equilibrium here.
I know this isn't exactly a standard WIP Whenever, but me is what I'm working on, and I think it's all essential stuff to nurturing my creativity. 😊
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
The delicate beginning rush
Chapter XI - it’s now or never
Masterlist <all chapters here>
Instagram photo dump masterlist
Imagines Masterlist
Pairing: Austin Butler x singer/actress fem reader
Warning: age gap (10 years), mentions of sex, explicit language, fluff, angst
Plot: working with Baz on the soundtrack of Elvis, then flying out to Canada to film, you miss Austin and the both of you put in the effort to make it work
Word count: 6700
Disclaimer: everything fake
Nervous doesn't cover even a tenth of what I'm feeling right now. My flight was awful, it got delayed and then there were turbulence the entire time, so I couldn't sleep, something, I desperately wanted to do, since I couldn't close an eye the whole night. I'm also a bit nauseous. From what? I can't say, maybe it's all the emotional turmoil I've been in or maybe it's just my period coming to bless me. Either way, I feel every single little bump in the road as Matt drives us to the RCA studio. Singing an Elvis song is a huge responsibility in itself, but singing it for the soundtrack of the new biopic, that hasn't even come out yet, it's bigger than huge, it's ginormous.
All morning since we landed 3 hours ago I've been doing vocal exercises, trying to open my throat and get sounds as smooth as possible. I'm pretty sure poor Matt, who's been the main recipient of my singing exercises, is ready to have me shut up and I don't blame him.
The whether in Memphis is a lot colder than LA, but almost everywhere is colder than LA. The sky is clear and the blue shade of it, reminds me of Austin's eyes, which immediately makes my heart sting, because I miss him. He said he would text and call, and it's been only a couple of hours, he texted me "sweet dreams" last night and a "good morning, my darling" this morning. I replied to both, but our conversations were cut short. Last night after I told Joshua that I ultimately think we're better off as friends and maybe work partners with our upcoming duet, I had to pack and go to sleep so there wasn't much time left for me to talk to Austin. And this morning we are both swamped with work.
Thinking back on my conversation with Joshua, I can't help but feel like I was horrible to him and I'd understand if he never wanted to see me again, my team really wants him to feature of my next song "Past life". I haven't even finished it, but I'm close to it and I know I'll have to make it a single, because the whole debacle with Joshua will bring attention to it. Just like the double release of both of out songs boosted the both of us. My team tells me I'm bound to a spot on the top 10 hot 100 and so is Joshua. It also lingers in my mind that I don't want to upset Austin by being close to Joshua, but he's generally a nice boy and talented and in the end it would all be a PR thing, right? Just like him and Kaia, why should it be any different for me? I won't fake a relationship, I'll just sing a duet song about letting yourself love and be loved.
Pressing my finger into my temple I try not to let the headache creep up on me, but my brain has been on high alert for months now. First the divorce of my parents, then the award season, work and now boys. Ugh...
As the car comes to a stop, I zip up my jacket and put my hood on, there doesn't seem to be any paparazzi, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Inside the studio the heat engulfs me and I find myself struggling to take off my warm puffer jacket. "You nervous, miss? You look like you're about to faint." I look at Matt wide eyed. "Really?" I ask in disbelief, touching my face, pinching it to get the blood flowing through my cheeks. He smiles at me, taking the jacket from my hands and resting a calming hand on my shoulder. "You have no reason to be, I know you'll be amazing."
"Agreed. Good day, miss (Y/n)!" Baz comes in extending a hand out to me. "Hello, it's an honor, I'm happy to be here." Baz shrugs me off. "The honor is mine, thank you for coming so soon." He then turns to Matt to shake hands with him as well, something not many do, only because he usually blends in the back and doesn't really get noticed. "You must be (y/n)'s dad, a pleasure to meet you sir, you have an amazing young lady of a daughter here." My smile drops, he thinks Matt is my dad.
I see how Matt doesn't really know how to react, moving his weight for one leg to the other. "Mathew is my driver and head of security, but I appreciate your kind words." I quickly say.
"A pleasure to meet you mr Luhrmann and yes, she is an amazing young lady, there you're quite right." Matt smiles and then he excuses himself, going back to the car. I hate that there's now awkwardness between me and Baz. "I'm sorry for assuming..." Baz starts to apologize, but there's nothing to be sorry for, so I cut him short. "No please, it's fine, if anything he is sort of like a father to me." I assure and Baz smiles at me, showing me the way around the studio.
"So any more exciting plans?" He makes conversation as we sit down. "Yes, I just booked a movie for Netflix and well I'm making music, I'm really just doing what I love and I'm lucky enough to have people around me who support that." I smile as he listens closely to me. "Well you're incredible and on the right path if you ask me, congratulations again for your achievement, an Oscar is a big thing." I wave him off, blushing.
"It is, but it's still just a piece of metal on a shelf, I have to expect that not everything I will do will be so well received, but I'm trying my hardest to make good art moving forward." I explain to him, my thinking. Getting swept away it's extremely easy, especially when you achieve something like I just did, but in my mind, luck has a big part in everything and when luck gives out, I'll need the work and talent to compensate for it. "You amaze me, I think I've met 40 year olds with Oscars who believe they walk on the sun, just because of that title. That kind of mentality will keep you grounded and will only bring you more proud achievements." He says in his thick Australian accent, the chain bracelets around his wrists clinging as he articulated his words with hand movements. "I have a little something for you, I was talking to Pricilla about the sound track and the specific scene where we want to put your singing is one with Elvis and her." He fumbles around his leather jacket, pulling out a small box. "And I told her I was thinking of you to sing "can't help falling in love", she loved the idea, said she was extremely smitten to meet you at the Gala and she asked that I give you this."
He pushes the black velvet box towards me and I take it with shaking hands. Baz leans forward, placing a hand on his chin and tapping his forefinger against his lips, waiting for me to open the box. I lift the top slowly, to reveal a thin gold cuff bracelet with black diamonds imbedded in it. It looks like one of those very popular Cartier bracelets, but the design is a bit different, the bracelet is not a straight band of gold, but rather a squiggly one. "Oh no this is too much!" I gasp trying to give the box back, but Baz pushes against it. "Priscilla said Elvis had this custom made for her when she turned 20, she said you remind her of her younger self a lot, witty, beautiful, smart, hardworking and kind. Pick it up, read the inside." I feel tears of joy prick my eyes and with a bit of struggle I lift the bracelet up from the box to look on the inside of it. There engraved in the gold, in cursive letters it reads: Tender Loving Care ~ for my Cilla from your E.
The overwhelming feeling of happiness takes over me and tears start flowing down my face. Baz takes the bracelet from my grasp and taking my right wrist in his hand he slides the bracelet on. It fits like a glove, sitting beautifully against my skin, providing a comforting weight around my wrist. "She had work to attend and she couldn't be here today, but she hopes that you might want to join her for dinner tomorrow night." Baz adds, offering me a tissue.
I mumble a quick thank you and dry my face, hoping I don't look too bad. "This means a lot," I suck in a breath. "I'd love nothing more than to have dinner with her. Are you sure she wants me to keep this? It looks very expensive and it's hers-" Baz takes my hands in his, smoothing the skin over my knuckles. "I'm sure, now what do you say I introduce you to our producer and we get to work?" I giggle and nod, following him inside the recording room, where he starts introducing me to everyone.
ꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥ
Hours later I'm on my way back to my hotel, where I plan to just sit in bed and sleep the rest of the day. The recording process went smoothly, I have to go back tomorrow morning to do a couple more takes and finish the background vocals, then we should be set. Baz let me watch the scene for which I'm recording the cover of the song. It's Austin and his costar Olivia, he's dressed in a military uniform, which has no business being that sexy. The two of them talk for a bit and they end up kissing. The scene looked amazing and it told me that the rest of the movie will probably be a success as well, but I couldn't help the little sting in my heart when Austin's lips locked with Olivia's. I tried to play it cool and I hope I did, I'm not sure how much Baz knows about me and Austin, but he never brought him up so neither did I.
"Thank you so much Matt, I'll just be in my room for the rest of the day." I tell him, walking out of the elevator and heading for my room. "Have a good night miss!" I wave at him, unlocking my door and walking into the warm hotel room.
After a quick shower I put on my comfy pajamas, plopping down on the fluffy bed. I stare at my wrist, where the bracelet from Priscilla sits nicely. The black diamonds on it shine in the light. It's unbelievable she wanted me to have such an expensive and important piece of her life. And to think that she sees me as a younger version of herself flatters me beyond description.
As I turn around in bed, I pick up my phone, opening the text messages with Austin.
Me:
Just got to my hotel, I'm done for the day. How about you? 💜🧶
Austin B🕺:
I've got another hour or so, before I can head home. Did you have a good day?
Me:
Yeah I really did! You?
Austin B🕺:
Ugh almost, you know it's getting pretty boring answering all these questions.
Me:
Sorry, ik how that is.
Austin B🕺:
Can I call you when I get home?
Me:
Ofc, I'm free until tomorrow.
Austin B🕺:
Are you gonna tell me what this 'work thing' is? I'm just curious
Me:
Told ya it's a surprise, you're gonna have to wait.
Austin B🕺:
Ok... talk soon 💜🧶
Me:
💜🧶.
I relax into my pillows and stare at the ceiling, unable to stop the huge smile on my face. Slowly I feel sleep creeping up on me and my heavy eyelids give up, falling closed. I'll only doze off for a second, I don't want to miss Austin's call. But it seems that I'm so tired, that I can't actually hold onto my plan and I fall asleep.
After what seems like only minutes, I'm woken up by my phone. I try to rub the sleep away from my eyes, letting out a big yawn. "Baby, I'm so sorry, did I wake you?" Austin asks worried that he interrupted my rest.
" 's fine" I mumble still sleepy. "I was just, resting my eyes." He chuckles, shaking his head. "The ceiling of your room looks nice" Austin quirks, letting me know my still awaking muscles don't seem to have the strength to hold up my phone. I straighten the phone so now the camera captures me, with my hair going in a thousand different directions and my eyes barely open. "There's my beautiful baby, did you have a busy day?" I shake my head and hide my face in the pillows, acting like a small child not wanting to wake up.
"I want to see your eyes (y/n), let me!" Slowly I turn my face to reveal to him, my hazy eyes. A smile takes over his face immediately and I can't help but mirror it. "Are you gonna tell me where you are? It can't be far, since we seem to be on close time zones still." Biting my lip, I place my finger against my lips, not budging into giving any indication about where I am or what I'm doing. He sighs, scratching his head. "Am I gonna have to wait long for this surprise?" Austin tries, but I answer with a simple shrug of my shoulders, which makes him laugh.
"I want to kiss you so bad right now." The breath gets caught in my chest and I can see myself blushing, on the phone screen. "I want that too, maybe come to New York before I have to leave for Canada?" I suggest, but his face says it all. He can't come. I try to push aside the pain in my heart, holding onto hope that maybe I'm reading him wrong.
"I can't baby, I've got a lot of promotion to do and -" he licks his lips, pausing mid sentence, like he's trying to come up with the best way to say what's coming next. "Me and Kaia have to, um" the sound of her name, stabs me in the chest, it shouldn't, but it does, because he's not mine, he's not hers either, but she at least gets to have him more than I do. "We have to do a lot more press, outings and PDA stuff, I promise it doesn't mean anything, I have no control over it and neither does she." His excuse sounds hollow and it doesn't rest my soul in the slightest. There's this voice in the back of my head saying, I've only heard his side of the story, but never hers. He could be lying.
The lump that lodges itself in my throat, makes it difficult for me to breathe, but I try not to show that. "(Y/n)?" Concern drips off of Austin's tongue, he must know that what he just said hurt me. I clear my voice and try to make it sound as steady as I can. "That's fine" lie "it's all just pretend anyway." Lie, lie, lie... I feel like he's lying, like I'm lying, I feel like I'm being gaslit and taken advantage of.
"It's not, I can see on your face it's not, it's ok to be upset, I wouldn't want to be in your position and I swear I wish it could've been you in Kaia's place." That's when it hits me, two can play this game. Me and Joshua still have a duet to release and even though we are friends now, the song is a love song. "Well it's fine, I mean, me and Joshua will probably have to do some promotion for our song anyway, too, so I get it." Lie, why do I keep lying to him?
Austin's lips stretch into a think line. For the first time since we've met, there's awkward silence between us and I hate it. My ears start ringing and if I wasn't sat in bed, I'd probably be fainting. "I'm sorry!" Austin says. Why is he apologizing? I'm confused. "(Y/n) you don't need to feel like you're competing with Kaia, would you feel better if you talked to her?" Blinking a few times, to refocus my vision, I seriously start to wonder if Austin can read my mind. "Would that be embarrassing for me? I- I believe you Austin, but..."
"But you need to be wary of your heart, my daring, I know. It wouldn't be embarrassing, I talked to Alex, the dude she's seeing, I don't see why she won't do the same for me." Austin explains, fidgeting with the rings around his long fingers. I chew the inside of my cheek, debating over if I should take him on his offer or not. The part of my brain that's infatuated with him tells me not to, but the smarter part of my brain pushes me to do it. "I guess I'd feel a bit better, if it's ok with you."
The smile returns to Austin's face, as he bites his bottom lip. "Ok baby, I'll tell her about it." Then he breaks into laughter and even though I can't help but smile, my stomach twists thinking he's laughing at me. "I'm laughing because, remember when we went out for coffee?" I nod waiting for him to go on, no idea where this is going. "Well Kaia wasn't the one who wanted to meet up, I lied." He scrunches up his nose, rubbing it with the back of his hand. "I, um I asked her if I could say that she was the one who wanted to meet you for coffee, but it was actually me, all along." I'm stunned. Him wanting me is such a strange thing, but it's real, very real. "Really?" I ask
Austin nods, rubbing his lips together, before wetting them with his tongue. "I guess after that night at the Met, I just want to know you better, but I didn't want to google it or anything, I wanted to meet you from you." My heart is doing laps in my chest and it's getting hard to breathe. I see myself blushing on the screen and I can't help but feel a bit embarrassed by how easily Austin gets my heart pounding. "And then dinner at your place, well Kaia was supposed to come, but she really did have to fly out. I almost ditched, but I guess I told myself: it's now or never."
"Be mine forever..." I sing, giggling, which makes him smile brighter than ever before. "Well that one is a great song, I do have to say." Austin points out. "Aren't they all?" I quirk a brow at him, biting back my smile. "They are, they are!" He admits. I feel another yawn coming through and I try to stop it, but failing.
"Rest the phone on the pillow and close your eyes, I'll sing you to sleep." He says in a low raspy voice. I open my mouth ready to tell him I'm not that tired, but another yawn comes out and Austin giggles. I place the phone on the pillow next to my head, so he can se me laying on my side in bed. "You're beautiful, so beautiful!" He says and I take in a deep breath, blinking fast. "Now close your eyes!" Austin tells me and I comply, but knowing he's there watching me, makes keeping my eyes closed, feel like torture.
"Try to think that love's not around, Still, it's uncomfortably near" he sings softly, tickling my senses. I recognize the song immediately. "You remembered?" I gasp opening my eyes to look at him, finding him with his lips stretched in a big smile over his pearly white teeth. "Of course I did, my brain is a sponge for everything you say, now eyes closed baby, you need to sleep." I giggle and snuggle my face back in the pillow enjoying the soft fabric of it. Austin clears his throat and continues singing 'Angels eyes', the song I told him was my favorite out of Frank Sinatra's discography. My heart twists in my chest with this warm feeling I've been having only around him, a feeling I can't yet describe. "My old heart ain't gainin' any ground. Because my angel eyes ain't here" funny enough the lyrics kinda work for our situation as we are apart right now.
As he keeps on singing, I feel sleep take over me slowly and I try to fight it, wanting to enjoy his voice some more, but I'm so tired I don't even make it through the whole song before I fall into a deep slumber.
ꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥ
"Falling in love with you..." I finish my last take for the song, taking off my headphones and going over to the producer to listen back to my vocals. "This sounds beautiful, so beautiful!" Baz says, clapping for me. "Thank you, oh my, I really hope I did good." I say placing a hand on my chest, smiling brightly.
"Oh you did, definitely, it sounds so magical the way you sing it...in fact I was thinking, why don't you join us at the Cannes Film Festival in June? You could perform at the premiere after the screening, I think it would be magical." Baz articulated his words with big hand gestures, as I try to wrap my head around everything he's saying. He wants me to perform at the premiere of Elvis? At Cannes?
He must of read the fear written all over my face, since his smile glitches for a second. "Sir, it's an honor. Really. But are you sure you want me to perform? I mean by that time I would've barely dipped my toe in the music industry..."
"Let me just stop you there, you realize who you're talking about right?" My brows draw together in confusion. "You are talking about a very talented young woman, who has an incredible voice, whose songs are charting and whose movies are adored and awarded. So yes honey, I'm sure." Trying to hide my blush, I look away, but I can't actually contain my smile. By now I'm used to people saying things like that to me, but it's still very hard to swallow. I can't deny most of that, but my forever present lack of confidence and overthinking issues put a dent in my joy. "Well if you think it's what you want, then I'll do it." I agree and Baz is quick to hug me tightly. I pat his back, struggling to breathe in his tight hold. "Easy there, I need these lungs to sing." I laugh and he lets go of me, looking at me with a huge smile. I can't really describe it, but everything about Baz just screams father figure and for some reason in the short time I've spend with him, I've grown quite fond of his words and affection. "Well get ready to fly miss (y/n)!" Baz adds snapping her fingers with excitement.
ꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥꕥ
After I had dinner with Priscilla, I was back on a plane to New York, where I only got to stay for 5 days before packing my cats and bags to move to Canada for 3 to 4 months. It's actually quite nice here, a bit colder then I'd expected, but still lovely. The sights are wonderful, even with summer approaching there's plenty of snow so it feels like a prolonged winter, which in my opinion is always welcomed.
Filming has been going smoothly, Kyle and I have been having lots of fun with it and the more we work the more I get confident that this movie will be great. The love story between the two characters is epic and the development of it is so well built. It's truly unfortunate that they got their story cut short, but at least my character Tessa seems like she might be headed for a good ending.
In my free time I've been busy FaceTiming Jack and Finneas, recording takes in the makeshift studio we had built in the small apartment. Also I've been texting back and forth with Taylor, working with her on her new album, I don't plan to be a featured artist on it, just a co-writer on some of the tracks as well as the usual background vocals.
Now in all this work load one might wonder where do I fit 'a more than friends' situation. Well it barely fits, me and Austin try to make it work. We text everyday and call regularly, we tell each other about our day and future plans and work, so far I've played him most of my upcoming album, but I'm still keeping secret me being part of the Elvis Soundtrack or the fact that I'll be at Cannes with him. While he'll be there with his girlfriend, a girlfriend that's not me. Sure I've spoken to Kaia, I even met Alex, her real boyfriend, over FaceTime, but it still hurts to see the guy you like be packaged and sold with someone else.
Still even with all this talking and texting the distance is hard, I miss him, the scent of him, his warm touch. It's been a very long month. I miss it all and now as I push my way through the door of my small rental apartment a sigh leaves my lips. The place looks nice and it's cozy, but besides me and my two cats it's empty. Not as empty as the huge penthouse in New York, but close and I guess that answers my question about selling the penthouse and moving to a smaller apartment. Turns out just making the cage smaller, doesn't really make the inside feel fuller.
Today the apartment looks a bit different though, almost like something is missing? My cats! "William? Simba? Here kitty kitty!" I call them, but they don't come out of their hiding which makes anxiety bubble inside me. I take my jacket and shoes off in a hurry and make my way through the small hallway into the living room. I decide the kitchen might be a good place to search for my little trouble makers. The place is dead quiet and my cats are missing.
Suddenly the creaking floor behind me, scares the life out of me. Turning around I cover my mouth to stifle a scream. And there in front of my eyes with a grin on his face is...
"Austin!" I squeal and run over to him, jumping in his arms, latching myself onto him like a little monkey, locking my ankles behind his back. I nuzzle my face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his intoxicating scent. "Missed me, my darling?" I kiss his neck along his pulse line, all the way up to the corner of his mouth, letting my teeth graze his skin ever so slightly. "Yes I did." I say, brushing my lips over his, tasting his breath on my tongue. The corners of his mouth turn upward and one of his big hands leaves my back, to rest on my cheek, pulling me all the way into his mouth. We both sigh into the kiss, after weeks of being apart, touching him feels surreal and it's like life is coming back to me. Being far from him was horrible, I felt his absence in every pore. But now he's here. Austin is here.
He moves his lips against mine, slow and gentle, the tip of his tongue tickling my bottom lip, teasing. With a short gasp I let him in and he takes dominance into the kiss, sucking the breath out of me. "How did you?" I say out of breath resting my forehead against his, brushing my fingers through his hair, to make sure he's real and not just a product of my imagination. "Matt helped me a bit, he gave me the key." He shrugs his shoulders like it's nothing. My smile is so big and I can't help the way my heart beast against my chest. Austin's hand that's cupping my cheek, slides along my neck and finds a resting spot on my chest above my heart. "It's like a humming bird, for fucks sake, I've missed you!" He admits bumping our noses together, kissing the tip of my nose. "My pretty baby." Austin whispers with his lips against my cheek.
My eyes flutter close and I feel lightheaded, the way he calls me his, has my brain turning to jello. "I missed you too" I admit, squeezing him tighter. He slowly starts to move around the place, setting me on the kitchen counter. "I have a few free days and I wanted to surprise you." Grabbing a handful of his sweater I pull him closer, there's heat coming off of him and I enjoy it, having missed it for weeks now. "Baby? Are you upset?" Austin asks pulling back to look at me. Confused I shake my head and he comes down to kiss my cheek right under my eye. His flaming lips touch my still cold skin and his tongue teases my flesh. "Why are you crying then?" He whispers.
"Oh, oh, I'm, no -" I turn around and reach for the tissue roll, grabbing one and quickly dabbling my face. "It's because I just came out of the cold. My eyes water." I set the crumbled up tissue aside and thread my hands through his long blond hair, pulling at the roots. "Hm" he hums, tilting his head back. I smile and kiss his pulse line. "Have you eaten?" Austin asks, holding my waist, squeezing my sides. "No, I was going to...where are William and Simba?" I question remembering what had me stressed in the beginning.
Chuckling lightly Austin moves away from between my legs, leaving my arms to fall limp. He walks over to the door of my bedroom and opens it, the two cats coming running out of the room. "I asked them nicely to let me have my moment." He smirks.
I jump down form the counter, picking up Simba, as he goes to pick up William, who seems to have taken a special liking towards Austin. "I bought treats for them on the way here, but you'll need to approve them, cause I've never had cats before." Austin speaks, scratching William's stomach. Something about the way he acts around my cats makes me feel some type of way. "I never asked, why William? I mean Simba I get, the lion king, right? But this little guy?" William purrs in Austin's arms, snuggling close to his chest. "My favorite book series when I was 16 had a character named William."
"So no link to the royals?" He laughs and I simply shake my head, placing a kiss on top of Simba's head. "Ok then." He puts William down on the nearby couch, clapping his hands. "Sit right here and I'll make you dinner, how does some chicken cooked in the oven with white wine and rosemary potatoes sound?" I sit on the couch and twist around to face him. "Sounds like something very, very tasty." I unbutton my knitted cardigan as I'm starting to feel the warmth inside the apartment. Austin watches me take off my cardigan, then like snapping himself out of a haze, he blinks fast, turning on his heels to go start working on dinner.
Closing my eyes for just a moment, I hold Simba close to my chest and William comes to curl next to my head, purring. "So I've been thinking maybe tomorrow you could get a free day and we could spend it together? Go on a walk on the beach, watch a movie." Austin proposes and I take my phone out, already texting the director about getting a free day.
"We could, I'll see if I can get the day off, we're on time with filming so there's a big chance I will get it." Getting up, I stretch my arms and legs, going to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. A fluffy cream loungewear set is my choice and I braid my hair out of my face. After the few minutes it takes me to get unready, when I come back in the kitchen, Austin is putting the food in the oven for it to cook.
I come behind him and hug his waist, pushing my face into his back, inhaling his woodsy scent. His hands come to hold my, rubbing up my arms. "The interview with Variety is coming out tomorrow, are you excited?" Austin asks me, spinning around in my arms to face me. He leans against the kitchen counter, looking down at me with his bright blue eyes. "I guess I am, yeah, it's a beautiful peace and what about you, a new Elvis trailer is coming soon, are you excited?" I wiggle my brows at him, making him laugh with his head thrown back. "I am, now about those treats I brought." He goes out of my arms, over to his bag which was hidden behind the couch. He digs through it and pulls out a bag of cat treats, coming over to hand it to me. "Salmon, their favorite" smiling I shake the bag and both of my cats, quickly jump off the couch. Austin opens the bag and crouches down holding a few treats in each of his palms, so the little fluff balls can enjoy them. My heart feels so light in my chest, watching him be here, for me, doing these small acts of affection.
I sit down on the floor next to him and hug his neck, peppering kisses all over his face. Austin giggles like a child and turning quickly around he tackles me to the ground, with him on top of me, tickling me sides. While his skilled fingers, tickle my stomach, his wet full lips kiss my neck tenderly. "Austin.." I laugh trying to push him off of me, but not really putting any effort into it, since I don't want him to actually get up. "I'm making Dandelions a single." I say between fits of laughter, which stops Austin in his tracks and he comes up to catch my lips in a sweet kiss. "I love that song so much." He mumbles against my lips.
We move in sink, our lips soft and wet, brushing against one another. My heart keeps doing laps in my chest and heat rises within me. I wrap my legs around his waist and pull Austin closer. His tongue touches my bottom lip and I give him full permission to explore. My brain is blank, all I know and care about is him on me. I don't even care about the hard wood floor hurting my back. I walk my hands over to his back, dragging my nails down it. "Mmh baby." Austin groans and a little whimper escapes me.
His hands grab my hips, holding me flush to the floor. "We need to stop baby." He kisses down my neck, sucking the skin above my collarbone, dragging his tongue over the flesh. "I don't want to." I whine, bringing his face back up, kissing him forcefully, squeezing my legs around his waist, bringing his crotch close to mine. Austin moans, thrusting his hips against mine. "Aus..." I sigh with my head thrown back and my eyes screwed shut.
I'm in a bliss, my senses completely diluted by the powerful feeling of him on top of me. But he pulls back swiftly, bracing himself on his arms above me. My head lifts off the floor, trying to reach his lips, but he holds his ground, pulling even further back. "Baby, no, I don't want you doing something just because you feel pressured or anything." He speaks in a low voice, brushing some of the strands of hair that came out of my braid. His calloused fingers magic against my soft skin.
Embarrassed I turn my head away from him, suddenly feeling so out of place. "No, (y/n), honey it's normal to want to do stuff, but..." I don't want him to finish talking so I push against his chest wanting to get up from the floor, away from him. Every cell in me feels so stupid for acting so so, I don't even know. Austin let's me get up, but he's quick to join me onto the couch and pull me into his chest, kissing the top of my head. "I'd do anything for you, (y/n), I swear, but I'm not sure you want to have sex now." I hide my face in my hands, but he takes my wrist and move my hands away, so he can look me in the eyes.
"How does it feel? I mean I'm sure you've done it, I'm just curious." I feel my cheeks on fire, but I have to ask, I've been curious for a while now and I didn't really have anyone to ask. Austin smiles at me, but not in a way that makes me feel dumb, but rather in a way that makes me feel safe. "I don't know how to describe it and I don't know how it feels for girls, but for me, it just feels good, you feel warm all over and your heart pounds in your chest and then it feels like there's this elastic band that keeps on stretching and stretching until it finally snaps and it's the most euphoric feeling." He twirls around a strand of my hair, kissing my forehead. "I'll show you, when you feel ready." He promises.
"What if I'm ready now?" I ask looking at him with puppy eyes. "It's your choice (y/n)" looking down at my lap, I try to think, really think if I'm ready for sex, sex with Austin. I don't know really, I want to see what it feels like and I trust him to be loving and caring about it, but I have yet to fully label us as a couple, so it would just feel like jumping over a few steps. "I was just curious, I think" I shrug my shoulders.
"And I'm happy you felt comfortable with telling me that..." he stops mid sentence, pursing his lips, "have you ever, done anything? Alone or with anyone?" He asks and I look around a bit confused, but I understand what he means. "N-no, I um, I've read some about it, I've seen movies and I think I've felt, aroused?" I'm unsure of what I'm saying is right and there's a part of me that fears I'm laughable, but Austin is serious, listening closely. "Okay, have you touched yourself?" He ask, caressing my back. I simply shake my head.
Austin licks his lips, his eyes, never leaving mine. "Well I think you should try that first, maybe, find what you like on your own."
"How do I do it?" I ask, I'm not stupid I know a bit about self pleasure, but I've never done it. His lips come close to the shell of my ear, as he speaks in a raspy tone, causing shivers to crawl down my spine. "I can show you, if you want me to." I open my mouth ready to speak, but instead of words, a ding sound comes out, the timer for the food finished, so Austin sighs getting up to take the food out. I'm left on the couch, flushed watching him move around the kitchen. He turns around holding the tray of food smiling brightly at me, so I giggle getting up and joining him at the table, ready to enjoy his cooking.
Tags: @kittenlittle24 @amorx @cryingabtab @lexicox044 @lrissa @feral4austinbutler @sageskywalker @jesssssicaa @rainydayz101 @flwersgarden @bobthefishiesworld @captured-memory @homebodybirkin2003 @galaxygirl453 @butlerslut @chrisevansgirl34 @myradiaz @pennyroyalcreep @macey234 @im-lame-irl @lordandmistress @the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf @poppet05 @gabbywontlose @4shbug @0-thegoodwitch-0 @hauntedarchivesx @chewiethecatus @sunnyx07 @francesbloomer @jessaroni19 @finelineskies @stargirlbytheweeknd @cerenaydins-blog @girlblogger2002 @gigisworldsstuff @my-baexht-Is @denised916 @bluepeacheslandia @kibumslatina @samaraannhan20 @goldobsessionworld @silliypapercreatorangle @cmrxac @donnamarie23 @justarandomfamdomblog @marlowmode @natsnosehair @xxgggooomm @banksmars @namoreno @areuirish @choppedlamphandscowboy @yeetfack-blog @fangirl125reader @aliceforbes @k-1898 @lucid315 @katelswan @jellysquidjj @jojam10 @richardslady121 @fanfiction1107 @spideysbitch @cherryflvredconversations @lanasfloridakiloss @issabella1107 @hannahhhhhig @izzydefinatelybusy @purejasmine
#the delicate beginning rush#austin butler#austin butler x reader#baz luhrmann elvis#austin butler fic#austin#austin butler x you#austin butler x y/n#austin butler imagine#austin butler fanfiction#Austin butler x actress reader#love#fluff
120 notes
·
View notes
Note
Can i have a male honkai star rail matchup please?
Gender: cis female
Pronouns: she/her
Sexuality: heterosexual ally
Zodiac: Capricorn
Appearance: 5’2 African American hourglass body (although I’m more top heavy if you know what i mean) black curly wavy hair blackish brown eyes chubby cheeks wears glasses sometimes (im far sighted so it’s usually when driving in class or at the theater)
Mbti: infj
Enneagram: 2w1
Personality: kind smart funny motherly responsible empathetic anxious emotional moody perfectionist helpful people pleaser caring compassionate nerdy curious protective polite respectful indecisive fearful nervous introvert shy awkward clumsy low self esteem low confidence (more pertaining to my talents or personality then my looks) sassy sarcastic (I’m mainly these things with people i feel comfortable with like friends or family) soft spoken cute (my friends think im cute because i can be pretty innocent plus I’m small physically)
Likes: animals books reading writing fantasy magic sci fi anime music video games friends alone time learning personality quizzes sweets and bread helping being a part of something bigger than myself
Dislikes: spiders loud sounds people who harm others people who don’t take others into consideration (like make insensitive jokes or don’t consider the comfort of others or are mean just cause they can) people i care about not caring for themselves (im a hypocrite on this i take care of everyone else but not me) not being listened to weird holes and patterns math and tests (I’m being tested for a math disability and i have test anxiety)
Love language:
Giving: acts of service gift giving and physical affection (if they’re ok with it)
Receiving: words of affirmation and physical affection (although i can be shy about it)
Extra: i pace a lot i sing when im alone i talk to myself im a picky eater (mainly with textures) i have a cat i have minor ehlers danalos (a hyper mobility disorder) but it doesn’t hurt me like it does my sisters i get abdominal migraines which is basically like a migraine but instead of headaches it’s nausea
Thank you
Notes: Hey astralmysteria, thanks for requesting a matchup from me <3 Hope you like it! This one came immediately to me haha
Masterlist
˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗
I match you with: Gepard
˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗
Gepard loves your empathetic motherly nature, as he can be a bit like that with his loved one’s as well. He adores you the way you are, although he’ll initiate some things with you in an attempt to alleviate your anxieties and low self esteem.
He truly believes you’re amazing the way you are, and he’ll make sure in time you’ll know it too.
He was a bit taken aback when you initially started being a bit sassy and sarcastic with him, but he finds it fun. Sometime’s hell say something a bit out of character, totally sarcastic while on duty, and he’ll quickly cover his mouth as a blatant blush covers his cheeks.
He definitely picks up some of your cheekiness and sarcasm, and it only gets worse with time.
“Oh, you like animals? Well my siblings and I are all named after-” You promptly cover his mouth before he can even finish that thought.
Unfortunately there are times Gepard may neglect his health a bit as he dives head first in his duties with the Silvermane Guards.On the flip side, a well meaning scolding from you and a much needed self care day is enough to get his health back to where it needs to be.
He adores the gifts you get him, make, whatever! He’s just happy to know you put thought and consideration into whatever you present to him, and he’ll proudly brag, wear, and show off every present you give him.
When he’s feeling a bit playful, he may or may not take your glasses and attempt to try them on. If they won’t fit on his face, he’ll simply hold them up out of your reach just so he can see your cute, annoyed expression. He immediately gives them back though because he’d hate to make you actually upset.
He’s an absolute king at words of affirmation, and he’s more than happy to indulge you with physical affection. If anything, you’d be the one trying to pry him off of you.
One time he walked in on you talking to yourself, and you didn’t notice him so he quickly hid around the corner to listen in on what you were saying. When he repeated your exact words back to you over dinner, he had to pat your back as you coughed on the drink you were having.
You got him back for that and he definitely didn’t enjoy it.
Whenever you get an abdominal migraine Gepard is there and ready. He’ll learn the best ways to help you out when they occur, and he’ll go above and beyond to make sure you’re as comfortable as possible during these moments.
Overall, Gepard is a very loving and doting boyfriend with you and he’ll happily fight and defend your honor to his last breath (after you successfully drag him away from his job of course <33)
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝
Gepard’s head rests on your chest as he takes deep, content breaths. His eyes are closed, and your hands gently card through his soft blonde locks.
“I told you, you need to take care of your health more. I know your job is important to you, but-” “You’re just as important to me as my job, you know. Actually, you’re more important. I just.. I take my duties very seriously.. And..” Gepard slowly trails off.
You look down to see a pink hue on his cheeks, and your gaze softens at the sight of him.
“I know. I understand. But still, be more careful, okay? I care about you too much if something bad were to happen that could have easily been prevented.” Your words are kind and doting, and exactly what Gepard needed to hear.
The grin on his face widens and his body shakes with laughter. You complain when his movements start to shake you, but it only makes him laugh harder.
You wind up joining in on his carefree laughter, and the atmosphere feels light and airy. Almost like the high of two friends enjoying each other’s company at 4am on a Sunday night.
As Gepard calms down, your hands move from his hair to his back. Your hand smoothes over his back, and a content sigh escapes his lips.
Sounds of pleasure leave him, and if you didn’t know any better you’d believe he was purring like a cat; kind of like how a cat purrs when they receive head pats from their favorite person.
Honestly, your current situation is very comparable.
You press a soft kiss to the crown of Gepard’s head. As a result, he nuzzles his head against your chest.
You love this man; with all of your heart.
Dedicated to,
astralmysteria ⟡
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
hey, love! can u answer all of them?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL OF THEM!!!!! okay i will do it but only because you asked and i love you very much
✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)
well i only have 5 fics posted but probably this one because it’s my longest fic but i didn’t really expect a lot of recognition anyway because it’s a rare pair from a show that not many ppl like. it's not the best writing but worked hard on it and i’m proud of it and that’s really all i can ask for.
💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?
i really love when ppl point out sentences/situations and other things they like.
🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?
i struggled really hard with my first thiam fic. the responses are all amazing but i found it so difficult to write something so vulnerable
🌻what makes you want to give up on writing? what makes you keep going?
something that makes me want to give up is the fear that i wont be able to write how i want. what keeps me going is all the lovely cheerleaders in my corner<333
🌿how does creating make you feel?
happy. i love getting my ideas out there and i like practicing writing
🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?
tbh what i've written so far have all been fantasies. i haven't explored issues i face through writing yet but i do have ideas. i think my thiam stargazing fic was a kind of reflection of how i felt in a moment
🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing
im funny sometimes
🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?
there are literally year long gaps between my fics so yes they def have changed. i feel like im more sure of myself and my writing each time i post and hopefully my writing gets better every time too!
🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/ validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)
every time. i love treating myself. i try to hype myself up by reading what i wrote and it works sometimes.
💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language
all of these ofc but i think characters because they're the driving force of all my writing amd im scared i dont write them correctly or they dont come off in the way i want to. i also feel like specific word choices and phrases really make or break a fic.
💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?
the thiam stargazing one. you guys went nuts over it fr so thanks
🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?
i havent written anything really profound but i will say that there is a lot in my 18k caswen fic that i wish ppl would acknowledge.
🕯️I was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?
thiam stargazing ofc. when i wrote it i felt like i was bigger than myself. idk how to explain it
💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.
ohhh my anne/winnie fic! i will say that this was very bold of me to write because this pair is rare. so rare in fact that my fic was the first posted on a03 for that ship! pretty girlboss of me
🍭why did you start writing?
because i had ideas in my head and i needed to get them out.
💎why is writing important to you?
i think it's important to me because this is a way for me to take a break from my life by writing others'
🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?
every single time i've posted a work i eat chinese food then take a phat nap to distract myself.
🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?
probably the thiam cod one bc it's funny
🤲what do YOU get out of writing?
i like contributing to fandoms and ships and if i get praised along the way then that's alright with me too
💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?
ur comments on my comment. did i understand it? did you think what i said ab x thing was funny? idk everything. im a social butterfly i thrive off communication
☯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?
encouragement literally creates art. and friendships! i literally made so many friends by commenting on their fics and interacting with them in general. fr this has been a very fun two months for me inthe teen wolf/thiam fandom. im thriving here in a way i didnt in other fandoms because i actually took a chance and talked to ppl. i have aniety but i love talking to ppl so it worked out
🦕(i can’t find the stupid blue emoji thing so ur getting a dinosaur) what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/ posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?
if my fic doesnt do well then that's not my business. ppl like what they like and yeah it's a dick move to not tell a creator/artist you like their stuff whether through comments or kudos bc its so east to click one little button before swiping out of the tab but! the real ones have my back and i know it. i dont expect a lot when i post for thiam because the show ended literally five years ago and this ship is relatively small compared to others so i dont think much of it. if my fic doesnt do well its not on me because i know i did good
💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!
mmm okay i know i posted a wip game last week but i only did half so i'll drop the other half here (this is a treat specifically for you jaque).
cuddle monster liam: liam is a leech and he clings to theo when they sleep. theo's a little confused but accepts it anyway. i have this scene i want to write and it's one of the first times liam cuccled with him and it the basic part of it is liam just nudges his head under theos arm like a puppy and nuzzles his face into theo's chest bc he's cold.
look you: this is more of a concept than anything but basically theo and liam have thing thing where they say "look, you" or some kind of variation of that when the other is being a little shit or self depreciating.
tfw you do a 30 day relationship challenge when ur not even in a relationship: so corey and mason do a 30 day relationship challenge and they rope theo and liam into doing it too. i got the challenge off some website and i was like yes. there's gonna be 31 parts in theory but they wont be super long i think. i need all the creative juices going for this one.
getting shot with an arrow had never been this fun: theo and liam are complete idiots and they manage to get impaled with the SAME arrow and are stuck together for Reasons. it's shenanigan city up in here as they navigate how to get help. the important thing is that they have fun !
the morey split: mason and corey break up (or take a break or just arent talking i havent decided yet) and its up to theo and liam to get to the bottom of this and get them back together! they are terrible at it.
okay i think im done now
#this is sort of long so if i need to put some of it behind a keep reading tab i will just lmk#ask#stitchkiss
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hinged Essay Writing Method
@catching-fire-in-the-wind asked for un/hinged essay writing methods and got the utilitarian version that should be used if you need to finish an essay Right Now but this is the fun rambly meandering anecdotal full backstory version
In terms of objective quantity of insanity I don't know anything that comes close to purposeful sleep trancing, but to be fair I also don't know anybody else nearly as insane as the guy who does them.
In terms of writing methods that are objectively similarly a bad idea and damaging to your long term health... I knew somebody who used to drink heavily to get essay's written? They are not doing this anymore, and are a year and a half sober, they’re doing very well and I’m very proud of them but yeah, would not recommend.
like, I wish it could go without saying but DO NOT TRY DRINKING AS AN ESSAY WRITING METHOD.
Nobody tells you the consequence of having your insane essay method writing story passed around tumblr is that all of the notes will exclusively be people talking about how they have done exactly that or, that they now plan to try it, which means you are responsible. I very much wanted to set up a sign begging for no please don’t do this or like. A charity collection plate for more hinged essay writing methods.
Anyway, this isn't an insane essay method, just one that makes me insane.
Many a years ago I was on a walk with my mom. This was so long ago that we were walking together by choice and not because all of her other running buddies were on the other side of a quarantine bubble.
My mom is a pretty cool and smart lady who knows me fairly well but she did not need to be any of those things to notice that I will talk like its the only use for oxygen sometimes and that despite being an opinionated person who speaks not in sentences but in novels and paragraphs, I have a strangely hard time getting anything fucking done when it comes to essays.
So she wanted me to try something new. There was this nifty little article that had come across her feed when she was up in the early morning taking time to herself and I was in bed continuing my best impression of a corpse for the next four hours. The article was about the improvement to google's speech to text technology.
My mom proposed that as someone who spoke very much and managed to write very little, I might benefit from this magical technology that would take the thing I had a surplus of and turn it into a thing that, you know, I actually wanted and was useful, like taking weeds in animal crossing and using the crafting mechanic to turn them into a variety of delightful little woven hats, which my mom would be doing a lot of when quarantine hit.
I presumably recognized the wisdom of this sick gamer strat and the love and care with which it was constructed, and told her it was a great idea and I would do it immediately the next time I wanted to write.
I then did not do that.
Mulitple years and one (1) global health crisis later I was fucking around on tumblr and saw a long post being passed around in early early early preparation for National Novel Writing month, part of which suggested using voice notes.
Huh, I thought to myself, reblogging it to save for later, I should do that.
I then also did not do that.
A month later my partner was having trouble with an assignment. My partner is, if it's even possible, an even bigger talker than me. They also are a far more adept researcher, and so had quite a bit to say, both about the cool things they had found out for the assignment and also what utter shit the extremely vague prompt was.
In addition to shitty course infrastructure, my partner is majorly dyslexic and adhd and so uh imagine the worst time you could have in school they've done that and also this assignment and course in general was tempting them to consider going back to their old way of solving this problem: drinking.
So I was having them talk to me about it, as the designated English major of the relationship, and taking notes hoping to turn it into an outline they could use when I was struck like lightning by an idea so insane it just might work.
I was like haha this is so crazy my mom has this cool little trick we should totally try it do you have a speech to text voice app on your phone.
They did.
I was like haha it's so unfortunate I just really don't understand your second source, and I've like totally forgotten it even though you just told me, could you maybe.... explain it again in its entirety into the microphone?
They explained it into the microphone
I was like wow, I think I understand now. But didn't you relate it to that other piece of evidence? How does that work, and also what was that piece of evidence
They talk about that other piece of evidence, and how the two different sources interrelate and work.
It should be known that I am acting my heart out here. I have no poker face to speak of, being an expressive person and terrified of poker, but I am hauling out my best bimbo impression and gunning it for an oscar.
Anyway I was like oh cool now what if you tried copy pasting that into your document as a rough draft and then editing it into an essay.
And at that point they looked at me and were like. Wait.
I immediately reveal my brillaint deception, because I want credit for how amazing I was, and also its best to have a very narrow timeline between action and reveal when you're benevolently manipulating your partner.
As relationship benefits go, there is only one thing comparable to the joy of repeatedly doing a bit your partner doesn't like. Oh in that vein, purple car. The only thing comparable is the joy of subtly manipulating them for their own good only getting to reveal it like a grandiose and suprisingly competent camp saturday cartoon villain. And the only that surpasses both of those is blatant manipulation that nonetheless, still works.
My partner got their essay turned in, I joked they owed my mom a fruit basket next time we were in town.
Flash forward a few months. I had an essay that was 75% of my grade. By the grace of professor, I was allowed to pick the media I did it on, as long it was on theme, so it was actually about a movie I really liked and had a lot of things to say about it and interesting ways to say them.
Or at least I did when bitching to my partner or imagining myself interviewed while on a walk or in the shower. I had yet to write a single word. It was kind of important that I finish this because, as the more astute number wizards amongst you will have divised, it is mathematically impossible for me to pass this class without it.
But I am a writer! You can tell because at this point I have nine whole fics on my AO3 my handle there is chucktaylorupset if you want to go check those out they're pretty cool i think. You do not understand I am an ARTISTE. I do not need technology, or hacks, or trickery, I do not need to do anything but sit down and write.
My partner fails to be convinced by this argument. Clearly they have no understanding of the nature of the artistic spirit.
Using their phone, I record a brief version of the arguments I had been bothering them with instead of my word document for the past month. They send me the audio file (despite the both of us having androids on their phone has a simultaneous speech to text AND voice memo program. This both does and does not surprise me, on the one hand why would that not come pre-installed on all devices, on the other hand my phone is Terrible. This is a hundred percent baiting you to give me app recommendations I still have not found a good free voice/speech to text combo app.
I spoke into the microphone for less than nine minutes. I came out with a draft of over ONE THOUSAND WORDS. Because it was a movie I didn’t even need quotations, all I had to do was edit and submit.
My partner made sure to be very gracious when they immediately snitched to my mom about how she was right. My mom was delighted, and not even a little smug it was horrible.
The moral of the story is that mom's are the worst. And even worse than that, they're right.
58 notes
·
View notes
Text
So I was tagged by @missypup to share my top 5 favorite things I've written. And welp. Not only have I posted like less than five things on ao3, I also don't write often. (If you're reading this Missy, I hate you.) Not to mention most of the things I've written don't even have titles??? But I suppose I will do my best.
5.) Awarding the Royals and Accolading the Blood thirsty (ongoing, hiatus but probably discontinued, Kylux, Star wars)
The reason this one is number 5 for me is because its the first time I really sat down and started pumping out chapters. It's very loosely an au mix of The Princess Diaries and The Princess and the frog. It kinda got pushed to the side because covid hit and I became too tired to do anything with it because essential workers, but I'm proud that I got as far as I did with it.
4.) To Remember Me By [working title] (unpublished, Zukka, ATLA)
I have had countless feelings about Zukka from ATLA and for a while it's what kept me going. I wrote a lot of little short things I don't remember writing and this is one of them but it's really cute in my opinion. Basically Zuko and Sokka just started dating after years of pining but Sokka has to leave for a long time so Zuko is really trying to find something nice to get for Sokka so he remembers him. I never finished it (a common theme that's going to keep occuring) and its just a short little thing, but it's just really sweet to me.
3.) Finding Our Truth [working title] (unpublished, Garashir, Star Trek Deep Space Nine)
It took me a long time to come up with ideas for writing Garashir but I definitely wanted to put something down, if only for myself. I'm a sucker for reading these two dance around each other's lies and so I finally decided I wanted to see how the spy would react to finding out the doctor's biggest lie. It's very much angst, with eventual comfort because I think those two eventually deserve to be happy together. Sadly this one is also unfinished and it's also looking to be relatively short.
2.) A Small Piece of a Bigger Picture [working title] (unpublished, Codywan, Star Wars)
Okay but this is the first thing I written in quite some time where it could actually be considered complete. I could post it as a little short story where it is, but I really want to add more onto it. Hence the title. I just really wanted to sit down and explore how I think Cody might've been effected by the Rako Hardeen situation and finding out that Obi-Wan was still alive. I kinda have a thing for angst I guess? I feel kinda excited about this one thanks to that one person that tagged me, the response I got to it was...unlike any response I've ever received to something I've written. So this one I actually really hope to post some day.
1.) Untitled [there's no title yet] (in progress/unpublished, OCxOC, original work)
It was easy to pick this as my number one because it's the first time I've ever creates my own characters, done my own world building, and come up with a pretty solid plot. I write bits and pieces of it every once I a while when I really feel inspired. But I feel like this one is very fun. It was described to me as lovers to enemies to friends to lovers. And that's only the side plot 😆 There's something special about these characters to me and I definitely hope that someday I'll finish it because it's an exciting idea.
Thank you so much for tagging me 🙄 This was actually a challenge for me because I have so little published and even less finished. I don't know who to tag (don't exactly know anyone who writes a lot) so it's free for whoever would like to participate!! All are welcome.
#tag game#fics#star wars#star trek#atla#codywan#kylux#zukka#garashir#my ocs#writing#lots of unfinished works lol
16 notes
·
View notes
Note
hi! i hope it's okay that i ask you this, i can imagine you must be really exhausted dealing with hate you don't deserve and it's not your responsibility to educate us. i was just wondering that wasn't the mention that nora was spending hannukah the only bit that talked of her religion? i know you've talked about being jewish/being a convert, but i'm still trying to understand this - like how can we know for sure cmq meant for her ethnicity to be jewish precisely? i'm not saying i think they meant for her to be from a family practising judaism but not jewish - bc i don't, i don't think cmq spent that much time thinking about it honestly - but techincally how can we be sure? (not saying that this would a good reason to not cast a jewish actress, obviously getting jewish rep would have been a better choice) but i was thinking - isn't this a bit like with pez's gender? i think cmq tweeted that they consider pez genderfluid/nonbinary/in some way gnc, but since she didn't explictly write that down, they can't claim having rep for that and ultimately it's up to the reader to decide for themselves. (i'm trans myself too) again, i don't think this is a "good enough" reason to not cast a jewish person and i'm disappointed at how they handled and continue to handle this, but i'm just trying to understand/see if my thinking makes sense, if you get what i mean? and if nora was explicitly stated to be jewish at some point/i missed somethin, i apologize!! thank you so much for continuing to educate people - and me - and i'm sorry about the mess of this ask!! thank you for taking the time to read and answer, and i do really hope you remember to take care of yourshelf too bc you deserve that!
I’m summarizing the question here so I don’t have to keep scrolling up:
1. How can we know Nora is ethnically Jewish? (The anon doesn’t think she’s from a non-Jewish family who practices Judaism. Doesn’t think CMQ thought about it a lot. Only Chanukkah was mentioned.)
I already know I’m going to get attacked for this answer, because people are going to have problems with some or all of it. I ask that if you start reading the answer, to finish reading the answer. I’m serious.
I’m going to say first that even the mention of Nora celebrating Hanukkah is enough to have a Jewish actor needed to play her, since that there and then shows that Nora is Jewish. Non-Jews don’t celebrate Hanukkah (don’t come in here with “evidence of non-Jews doing it, that’s appropriation and def not what CMQ was showing).
I went through the book today looking for stuff, it’s as vague as I remembered (the vagueness is something I will talk more about), but I did find some stuff that I think is important for your question.
Let’s start with the biggest thing that shows that Nora is Jewish. Hanukkah. A Jewish holiday. Even non-religious Jews tend to celebrate Hanukkah because… presents.
Nora goes home to celebrate with her parents (and we can assume grandparents, because they seem very close to her parents). Her parents Reilly and Rebecca. Now, a name obviously cannot and shouldn’t determine someone’s religion, but using her mom’s name of Rebecca added with everything else, we can form a bigger picture of Nora’s background. God, I feel like a theory YouTuber. The name Rebecca is common among Jews (obviously not only Jews), but if you look at her name, combined with Nora’s name (which HOLY FUCKING SHIT ⬅️ my actual reaction because I just realized I don’t need to finish answering this question. I remembered reading that CMQ had changed Nora’s name and…
I don’t have to defend Nora being Jewish or not anymore, because…
Casey already did. Everyone asking how to know if Nora is Jewish or not, Casey said it. Right there.
Anyway I was gonna say a whole bunch of other stuff about how you can tell Nora is Jewish in the book because of the way that Casey described something and why the vagueness actually made sense in a more meta way… (let me know if anyone still actually wants this)
If nobody wanted to believe me about Nora being Jewish, maybe you’ll believe Casey? The author of the book. Oh and for anyone who wants to fight back and say “well people don’t know about Casey saying this.” That’s not the point. The point isn’t this sentence, it’s the fact that she wrote Nora as Jewish. Nora is Jewish and Casey wrote her that way. Can people be mad about this now? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD This is the clearest answer. Thank you to the anon, I knew CMQ had mentioned this but forgot until now. Thought maybe I dreamed it. But nope. Right there.
#rwrb movie#red white and royal blue#red white royal blue movie#rwrb#rwrb cast#prince henry of wales#alex claremont diaz#alex and henry#red white and royal blue movie#nora holleran#rwrb hc#rwrb film#rwrb headcanon#alex x henry#henry rwrb#firstprince#rachel hilson#nicholas galitzine#taylor zakhar perez#casey mcquiston#cmq#red white royal blue#red white royal blue cast#red white and royal blue cast#nora rwrb#rwrb memes#rwrb shitpost#rwrbedit#rwrb fanart#henry mountchristen windsor
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
Amor fati
I’ve always told myself that everything happens for a reason whenever I needed major consolation. Without truly knowing what that meant, it was somewhat reassuring to me that even the terrible things that happened to me had a genuine purpose. It became almost a stock-standard response to every misfortune I’ve ever encountered. The phrase itself is meant to be said for moments of comfort. But is it enough to brush off everything negative with this one-size-fits-all sort of comeback? I must’ve used it too many times that its meaning has gotten lost, like when you say one word over and over again that it starts to sound funny and you start to question whether it’s actually a real word or not. Now it’s a cliched phrase that no longer provides the same solace it used to.
Despite being overused, everything does happen for a reason. And it’s true: we may not know what that reason is yet. It might come to us in the next minute, the next hour, or years down the line. To me, this saying had always implied that some greater thing has control over our outcomes, our decisions, and everything else in between. That whatever bad thing that just happened to you was all part of a bigger plan.
I used to hear this a lot, too: Do your best and let God do the rest. It was also another phrase that was thrown around when I thought I was going to fail an exam or when I thought I wasn’t going to do so well at my violin recital. It wasn’t enough to be told to just do your best, because it’ll be even better when God has got your back, too. Maybe it was just another combination of comforting words, to let me know that my best was good enough and that a greater being will make sure I see positive results. This higher, omnipresent being, will move the earth to ensure that everything will be okay.
But my secular self refuses to believe that a big man in the sky has a say in how my life will turn out. After all, it was me making the decisions down here on humble earth…
My partner and I had been struggling for a while with getting a permanent residency in Australia. Ever since we finished up our student visas, it’s been an endless cycle of temporary visa applications. From terrible timing to not finding the right work, getting any sort of temporary visa was a real struggle. Dinner table discussions often included which visa to apply for next in order to stay here longer. But only just recently, did I realise that maybe our efforts of trying to get a PR was the ultimate roadblock that I didn’t know I needed.
Perhaps these plans never came to fruition because they’re not for me… yet. The one thing I love the most about my partner and I - and also my main source of crippling anxiety - is our ability to be… flexible, for lack of a better word. This time last year, we didn’t know where we would be, what our year was going to look like. And surprise, surprise, we still don’t know now. Not knowing where we are going to be in a year from now frightens me a little bit. But it is simultaneously one of the most exciting things ever. I look to my two older sisters as an example, who are both very much settled. Sydney is their definite home. This is their lives and it isn’t a bad thing, but I think, subconsciously, I haven’t thought about settling down in that sense and neither has my partner.
I want to believe that in some sort of twist of events, that all the decisions I’ve made - big and small - had caused a butterfly to flap its wings and led the stars to align or something for the universe to come up with this path for me. In the end, stories are stories and we love telling ourselves stories to make the unreasonable feel reasonable. But this narrative seemed far more interesting to me than a mastermind somewhere in the clouds was puppeteering my fate. In some way, I still had some control in my outcomes and that, yes - everything does happen for a reason because I subconsciously do things to lead me to this particular way.
Amor fati - a succinct Latin phrase, which means “to love one’s fate”, is probably one that I should tell myself instead when things are tough. And I think I had been headbutting my fate for too long because I had synonymously thought of it as giving up. Sometimes I do think that I’m not trying hard enough to get a PR. Maybe that’s true - there are ways to get it but the way to do it isn’t for me. I could also keep living on temporary visas but the thought of living that precariously haunts me.
On another level, my anxiety and spiraling thoughts stem from a lot of uncertainty. Of course everyone’s future is uncertain - we can die tomorrow and worrying about our pension plan should be the least of our problems - but being unsure of where you are going to be physically, geographically is scary. The thought of having to pack up your whole life that you had built to potentially relocate is incredible, yet stressful. It doesn’t help that being in my 20’s I see friends in very different stages of life. Some are married with kids, some are homeowners. Fuck, some have died. And you can’t help but to compare your very much unsolved life to ones that are seemingly very… solved.
As cliched as it sounds, your 20’s are absolutely a pigsty in terms of figuring yourself out. There were nights where I could feel my cheeks hot from the anger; my pillowcases soaked from tears. There’s a lot of mistakes being made and that’s okay, and I can’t believe I’m only just figuring that out.
It’s possible that I’ll never figure it out, so I’ll end this essay as banal as my former mantras - with a quote. Perhaps the answer can be found in the words of Austrian poet, Rainer Rilke: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's not exactly easy to sit here and type this up after two bad mental health days, but i'm doing my yearly tradition of sitting in lilsimsie's stream until it's midnight on the east coast, and have about ~40 minutes before this edible kicks in and well. better get writing lmao
looking back in my 2022 journal, i think it's fairly safe to say that the start of the year is always rough on me, mentally. we're officially in winter, and the seasonal affective disorder is in full swing, so like. i KNOW what's wrong. it happens every year. doesn't stop the low from kicking me in the gut, though
2022 has been a rough year. my job responsibilities have been picking up, we've been traveling more, and it's only looking to increase even further as i continue. and sure, that's the typical progression of a job regardless, it still stinks at times. the only thing that makes it manageable is the fact that i genuinely do like all my coworkers. it's always a good time when we go out for dinner and drinks when we're on travel, and the holiday party i went to the other week was a blast.
but 2022 has also been a bit of a...i can't think of the word. reckoning? the realization that like. (and DONT fucking come for me i KNOW i'm still very young but hang with me here) i'm aging.
and with aging comes different health concerns and whatnot. as much as i have the bad tendency to overshare on the internet, there's plenty i haven't really talked about, and i'm at a point where i really need to like. take control. before things get worse. two (or more honestly) health problems i've had this year are directly related to me having such a sedentary lifestyle.
if i don't take control and start holding myself accountable to getting up and being more active, things are going to start getting bad.
i've already been trying to get up and do more stretches throughout my day when i can. it was also part of the "deal" i made with myself for allowing me to have my tv up in my bedroom. if i wanted to keep it up here, i have to do at least a few minutes of stretches each day, and so far it's never felt like a punishment, so hopefully i'll be able to hold myself accountable.
i'm also working on eating better. my aunt got me this super fancy rice maker for christmas, and it makes really good steel cut oats as well. there's not much i can eat in the morning without getting horribly nauseous, but oats seem to be the exception so. that's been nice to have! my first baby step goal with eating is to just. eat. 3 meals a day. they don't have to be huge elaborate meals, but at least something.
from there, i can start worrying a little more about content.
my other first goal is to try to ease off on the soda bc i KNOW i drink way too much. the last time i was able to cut it out was when i started by just. drinking a glass of water before i allowed myself to have the soda, so that's my plan for now.
also. cut back on the weed bc like...being high practically every weekend just so i can disassociate it away. is uh. Not Healthy, but clearly i'm not starting that one tonight dskflhk
BUT. enough about the negatives--
there were positives in the year, too. i moved to a bigger apartment. i got to travel to new places. i took my bestie to my cousins wedding and had a great time. i got to spend time with my friends. i went to a pride event at the science museum, and went to the My Brother My Brother and Me live show. i was fortunate enough to get tickets to see taylor this next year, nashville and two nights in seattle!
i also got a TON of writing done. i didn't finish my goal of finishing any of the three ongoing fics, but i DID get a lot of good writing done. after a multi-year hiatus, i was able to update Getaway Car with a new chapter before Midnights was released, and with only three chapters left to go, the end is within sight.
i've also done a ton of writing on countless other stories. i'm hoping i can carry this energy into the new year, and actually finish one of my fics in 2023 lmao
i'm also really hoping i can get back into drawing.
but anyways.
here's to hoping 2023 is a good one
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Bits and bobs part 1
Cooking raccoon for Steve. Beacuse that man will eat anything, and raccons are a meanance. Bucky, I am going to teach you how to cook raccoon. Its super important, you get this correct. Then maybe we can go to Japan and cook them
---
He owns that style!
Overcome the steryotypes!
What else are rubber giant hammers for?
Imagine Tony stark learning to hunt with red, and the both Red useing traditional skining tecquniques and then makeing like stuff to give as passive agressive presents
Or haveing like a bizare room with weird taxidermied head for meeting people he doesn't like
"Sam, you look cold, you can use a blanket you know"
"What is this made of"
"This is deer fur, and the pillow is rabbit"
"..."
"I shot it myself"
"!!!?"
Rodney is too used to these shenanigans.
"You know I prefer the fox pillow!"
---
Red is trying to teach Desmond how to fight. It's like his body knows the moves, but he's rusty because he hasn't practiced since he was... Taller and other odd off moments. This is because, his training came from his ancestors genetic memories, and they had different movements and body shapes. Oh it works fine to the untrained eye, but to anyone who knows what they are doing, (and Red, trained to exploit weakness) it's off. Someone could take ruthless advantage of that
---
Eclipse, why can zombies hear? I know all senses lead to the brain, but while it breaks some parts, others gain like some kind of ecolocation .smell Intersects with the parts of the brain responsible for memory and emotion, so I get why that isn't the sense to improve, but why specifically hearing? Both hearing and touch are a type of mechanosensation. I get why their sense of touched decreased, as their dead status means the nerves arnt working anymore, but why would that increase the hearing? What changed them enough that the hearing is working at above average Frequencies? Why is audio the main system giving the brain data?
---
Will this madness never end
(nope)
Yah I like the worldbuilding that goes into fusions and alternate worlds, so I want to get it right. I want the characters to fit in the setting.
In the comics, Tony is the perfect person to use this, in part beacuse he is a super genius to quote the part that have me the idea to have Tony capable of AC calculations
"Tony's genius allows him to act as a futurist, a person capable of intuiting the future based on current trends, to the point of foreshadowing that a situation like the superhuman Civil War was going to happen years before it did. This ability also extends to a much smaller scale, with Tony being capable of predicting with accuracy the way an interaction with a given individual will go down even before talking with them, a faculty that makes it really hard for human interactions to surprise him, and causes him to sometimes finish other people's sentences."
Not That I plan to go that far, with it, it's going to have drawbacks.
Whenever Tony gets on calculating something, he needs foccus. He can do, and uses it most for small things (like cards) , but on bigger projects, he talks fast and does a lot of writting on paper, and Red takes notes and offers up possibilities as parameters. Staying too long, or searching too far out can increase the chances of insanity. Not useing in your life, can up the probablity of being hit by a big one unexpectedly, and it's better to plan and have limits of the future you are trying to view, like directions on an event of a probability, rather then flying blind. Its not going to be plot convieant visions.
---
#red jordan ryan#tony stark#rhodey#bucky barnes#steve rogers#marvel#writing#original character#desmond miles#assassins creed#zombies
0 notes
Text
alksfsd;asjkjdfvskhfj
I feel like my brain is a bunch of mush
I’ve been so extremely stressed and overwhelmed recently I dont know what to do. It feels like I can never catch a break no matter how hard i try to get everything off my plate. Even when I try to like finish all my assignments or get work out of the way, when im left alone with my own thoughts I cant take it. It’s like i just think about everything thats ever happened to me in the past.
Thats why I constantly want other people around me because when they’re around the thought of everything horrible thats ever happened to me quiets down.
This isnt really organized its just all over the place, but i dont go to people when talking about my feelings in depth like this so i need a place to put it all.
Anyways ive just been trying to find a day that im not worried about anything and all my assignments and shit is just done. I js want a completely free day to sleep or eat or dont think at all.
Ive had some people tell me in response to this, “yeah but you’re always sleeping or playing something?”
Sure I am but im not in any way at peace. My brain feels like static and I cant focus on one thing cause my mind is constantly in a panic mode wondering whats next that I have to do. So sure im playing games but im not happy.
I want to be like properly at peace
I dont want to tell people about all of this in the fear that i’ll be looked at as overdramatic. in my head everything feels 50x bigger and i feel like others dont get that. One assignment feels like an entire bucket. I need to mentally prepare myself before everything I do. Even to shower, or to change, I have to sit there for a second and prepare myself to do it like a fucking idiot. Everything drains the shit out of me. I cant even play a game for like over 30 minutes before needing to take a break. I take breaks from everything I do and I hate it. But ig thats js my insanely horrible currently untreated clinical depression!!!11!!!11
Since i’ve been so overwhelmed my brain is just not working I’m distancing myself from everybody, being an asshole or lashing out on my family or bf for no reason. Sometimes i js get home from school or work and js cry for literally no reason other than my body doing it for me i dont even think.
I make lots of mistakes like forgetting important events that have happened to me, forgetting almost everything, feeling like im teleporting through time, not being able to process shit, having to take a “break” to lay down every 5 minutes, being completely unmotivated from anything and lastly being a shitty listener.
I dont know where it all went wrong and i dont know when its going to get better I have geuinely been diagnosed for i think 2 years now and i keep telling myself its going to end and its going to go away but i dont think it will and i dont want to live like this forever.
I just want to heal
0 notes
Note
hey I’ve been feeling kind of uninspired lately and idrk to fix it.. like I have ideas and WANT to do them but when I open ps I cant do it. I even have ideas written down but nothing comes out when I try to follow through and I give up very quickly 😕
do u have this same problem or could this just be a personal thing ? I did just recently finish a big project that I’m really proud of 🫶🏾 so I could probably just be burned out? But that was weeks ago lmao
june anon - also I saw u answer my rec list so I’ll read that rn
(lengthy response! 1/2)
honestly i 100% get what you mean PAHAHA i feel like i'm constantly surrounded by inspiration and new ideas and it gets me pumped and motivated to begin creating but the moment i sit down and actually try to start, i have no idea what i'm doing whatsoever... then it spirals down a whole rabbit hole of 'my taste in xyz is significantly larger than my actual skill level'
likewise, i went into my summer so mentally prepped and ready to begin designing for yeonjuins a lot more and making silly little kpop edits or even venture off into bigger projects to challenge myself but alas, i felt so burnt out without even beginning. prior, i had finished a major design project in one of my classes (to which i ended up getting a 98% in so it was worth <3) which pretty much pushed my creative abilities all around. i sort of had the mindset that i'd go into summer being able to expand off of it but i didn't even begin to create things until what.... two months into my summer? and school being right around the corner now too? PAHAHHA
a lot of creatives will say this as well but you have to make a lot of shitty things in order to make good things. even if you are feeling uninspired and don't know what to make but you know you want to make things, make it. it'll probably end up shitty, you'll probably hate it and think you wasted your time, but literally, in order to make good shit, you need to make actual shit first LOL
there's a lot of, what i recently learnt was called, 'invisible work' that goes into making things. even with my he he ha ha graphics with yeonjuins that are just based around my silly little kpop boys, i do research, make sure all my references are correct, making sure i pull from the right sources, etc etc. it seems overwhelming at first, but if you just get down to the mindset that you need to just make something, whether it be good or absolutely awful, it's a lot less daunting.
one of my favourite favourite quotes is from this book called 'tiny beautiful things' by cheryl strayed. i cried my heart out to this book, and specifically, this part made me get down on my floor and sob.
“do you know what it is to be humble? [...] i’d finally been able to begin [to write again] because i’d let go of all the grandiose ideas i’d once had about myself and my writing-
so talented! so young!
i’d stopped being grandiose.
i’d lowered myself to the notion that the absolute only thing that mattered was getting that extra beating heart out of my chest. which meant I had to write my book.
my very possibly mediocre book. my very possibly never-going-to-be-published book. my absolutely nowhere-in-league-with-the-writers-i’d-admired-so-much-that-i-practically-memorized-their-sentences book. it was only then, when i humbly surrendered, that i was able to do the work i need to do.” (page 57)
tldr: just make shit. there are so many scrapped versions of my gfxs people don't see and so many scrapped ideas that don't even see the light of day on this site. but i think that's also the beauty of being a creator ! you build resilience. you make shitty things to only then make good things. just be patient with yourself my love, ideas will flow when it all fits together but you need to allow for your ideas to flow first (":
#asks#june anon#i kinda went the fuck off AHSIODKLAWDIJOAWKLMA#SORRY I JUST#LIKE#U ASKED ME SOMETHING I EXPERIENCE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OFTEN SO I WAS ILKE#YEAH /. YEAH I DEFINATELY HAVE ADVICE FOR THIS .#i hope this helped in any way possible#even if u just took one thing out of it#u got this anonnie i believe in u <- says the one procrastinating to start another gfx#also i would love to see whatever u make one day my love hehe (:<
1 note
·
View note
Text
Memories
Dabi x shy childhood friend reader
WC: 5.3k
Genre: fluff with some angst
Dabi’s memories haunted him, thoughts of you ran wild in his head daily. But he wasn’t alone. Given another chance could he find the courage to reconnect with you after years of separation and lies?
The day washed over him, exhaustion shrouding his body as he stood staring out the distance. “Oh that was Snatch, the sand guy” he mused. He closed his eyes, the moonlight shined over his scarred face. The ocean stared back at him as he reminisced old memories. Pleasant ones that always found their way into his mind, but always left him longing.
🥀🥀🥀
He first noticed the quiet girl when he was playing outside. She sat alone playing with the grass, pulling and shredding it. Her hair fell over her face covering most of it, only a small smile showed as she continued her little game.
The young boy was an ambitious one. A friendly one who strived to the best at whatever he could. "Hey! What are you playing!" he ran and squatted down beside her, observing her and the grass in her hands.
It was a while before she responded. Touya studied her quivering lip and shaky hands as she awkwardly twisted the grass between her small fingers. "Ummmm... It's a game I made up in my head" she mumbled, hiding her face more in her hair.
"Can I play too? How do you play?" He asked, getting excited at the opportunity of making a new friend. Her lack of response made him pout, had he said something wrong? "I'm Touya by the way, I live down there" he jerked his head and pointed in the direction of the Todoroki household.
He felt triumph when he noticed her take an interest as she looked over at where he was pointing. He got ready to speak again, when he caught her breathtaking (e/c) eyes, taking in the beautiful color, her long lashes, and expression. "Wow you're really..." He started again but she quickly looked down hiding her face again. Oh... Maybe I really am doing something wrong.
He sat beside her, not giving up yet as he started pulling grass out and making a pile the same way that the girl was. There was another long pause before she responded, "I'm (y/n) and I live with my..." She swallowed slightly, testing the word "grandma".
"Really! That must be nice!" He said to her smiling as he finished his pile "Hey (y/n) look at my pile! It's bigger than yours!" He called out, but by the time he looked beside him he noticed you were gone.
He had asked his mom if she knew anything about you, but she simply said that the sweet old lady brought you into her home one night. When he told her more about his encounter with you his mom told him not to bother you so much until you adjusted to your new home and neighborhood.
Touya took this as an opportunity to try and become your friend. He saw you playing by yourself a lot and noticed you avoided most of the kids. "Come play with us (y/n)! It's not good to be by yourself all the time!" He'd tell you, but you'd shake your head and nervously fidget with your fingers as you'd tell him "it's okay, I like playing by myself"
But enough was enough one day and he decided to sit by you and talk to you, "annoy her until she becomes my friend" he proudly told his mom and his siblings.
🥀🥀🥀
"Hey (y/n)! I'm going to be a hero one day! Have you seen my quirk! It's so cool, I can make fire, wanna see?"
This piqued the girl's interest as she looked up at him curiously "sure, I'd like to see your quirk".
To her surprise he set a whole tree ablaze in a mere second, it crumbling to ash and rising into smoke. "Wow that was so cool Touya!" She yelled but quickly covered her mouth with two hands at her outburst.
"Isn't it! I'm going to surpass All Might one day!" He proudly said.
"I'm sure you will Touya" she giggled shyly as he rambled on telling her about his dreams of becoming the number 1 hero and making his dad proud.
🥀🥀🥀
"Hey, Touya" he was surprised to see you approach him first. It was usually him coaxing you into playing with him. You were hiding something behind your back, your shoulders tense and gaze downwards. There was a breeze that found its way into your hair, whisping it back as you took small, nervous steps towards the red head.
"I wanted to... My grandma said" she stuttered "no sorry, I wanted to give you this" you held you a beautiful looking flower towards him. It's pretty petals covering your shaking fingers as it was presented to him. He looked between you and the small gift, still processing the situation.
He was taken aback by your sudden boldness. Although he noticed how you had shut your eyes tightly, turned your head away and how your hand trembled as it gripped the flower, he did not expect this. But a shy smile crept up his face as he looked between the pretty flower and beautiful girl.
"For being nice to me, I think you're supposed to give gifts to people you like but... I don't have money but I saw this flower and I liked it, and I thought you might like it too, so I plucked it for you because you're important and nice to me, and when you're a hero you'll probably get a lot of gifts from people you've saved" you rambled about the flower and how he was special to you for showing you kindness.
It was the first time you talked for more than 10 words. Your words caused heat to raise up to his cheeks and gently put his fingers around the flower's stem, accepting the gift "thank you (y/n) it's beautiful" he pulled you in a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around you and resting his cheek on your head "like you" he whispered the last bit, but it was loud enough for you to hear.
"Awww look at these two love birds" both of you snapped your heads up to look at your grandma and Rei hiding behind some trees taking pictures of you two with a camera.
The voices causing more heat to crawl up the boy’s face, he felt like his chest was about to burst out in flames. Ones that were not quirk activated. "Mom!!" Touya yelled embarrassed "that's not nice!" He turned to look at you to make sure you hadn’t passed out from the embarrassment but you were already gone "and you scared her away!"
🥀🥀🥀🥀
"Hey, sorry we haven't played in so long I've been training my quirk more" he sat down on the grass beside you, his knees against his chest and head slightly downcast. A mop of white hair covering his face. The downcast expression upset you, your friend was changing in a not so good way. And it was hurting him inside.
You moved a little bit, grasping his rough hand in your soft ones "you're hurt" you frowned "I- did you burn yourself?" It was obvious to anyone he was overusing his quirk to the point it was taking major tolls on his body, but he had been trying to hide it, especially from you.
How would he be the number 1 hero if he couldn't use his quirk to its maximum ability, mould it to his will. How would he make his dad proud, how would he protect you?
His hand suddenly went from searing hot to a cool and relaxed feeling. As if he had never burned it, as if he had never left a scratch on it. He quirked his head to look at you, your hands glowing as they worked into tending his wound. In the moment he thought you were too beautiful to be of this world. Were you an angel sent from heaven?
"Sorry I'm not that good, I can't really control it well" you spoke, the glow leaving your skin and you let his hand fall back into his lap.
"That's so cool! You're like a healing angel!"
"Not really healing" you spoke, pulling your knees against your chest and hiding your blush in them. "I can just control the internal temperature of objects and people that I touch."
Touya looked at you, grinning "it's still cool! What else can you do!"
"This is pretty much it to be honest" you looked up through your lashes. You frowned a bit as you noticed him wincing as he rested his back against the tree. You activated your quirk again and put your palm against the grass, willing your power to flow through the ground, and upto the tree.
Touya instantly relaxed against the tree as he felt the bark cool. He fell into deep thought, the training sessions with his dad weren’t going so well. Even worse now that his younger brother was born, "Do you think I'd make a good hero?" He asked. The insecurity peaking through his usual facade.
"The best!" You blurted, shying away instantly "you'd be amazing"
"I don't think my dad has been interested in me since Shoto was born, he has all his dreams set on him now" he frowned at the thought. The hurt was evident in his voice. Slowly you watched him crash against the feelings of neglect and hopelessness. What made it worse was the rest of his family losing faith in him too.
He heard some rustling around and noticed you repositioning yourself so that you were facing him better. "It doesn't matter what he thinks, you can be a hero if you think it's cool. Be the hero you want to be" you smiled, a blush adorning your cheeks as you spoke. “I’ll be cheering for you!”
He leaned back, closing his eyes, a small smile ghosting his lips "thanks (Y/N)".
🥀🥀🥀
With that he finally opened his eyes. “I’ve thought about it so much it's driven me insane” he whispered hoarsely. Eyes heavy as they leaked a bloodied tear, his thumb brushed against it, wiping it off.
Memories of his past replayed in his mind every night. Before he'd fall asleep, he'd think about you. Reminded himself that you atleast believed him, had hope in him, supported him.
And given another chance, maybe he'd do things differently.
But he did not have another chance, life was more complex and didn’t have a rewind button. It was relentless and unforgiving. And so he left the scene and ventured through the city, taking the long route back to the hideout. Giving his brain the chance to agonize him some more in the privacy of the night.
"For fucks sake its too annoying up here sometimes" the man cursed at his thoughts. Hands deep in his pockets as he walked towards a dim alleyway minding his own business.
"Please I don't have any more money" his ears perked up hearing a quiet voice.
"Who said I need more money, pretty lady?" This time a gruff voice. His previous thoughts disappear as a new fire builds in the pit of his stomach. It's flames roared through his veins as he got closer to the scene.
Sure I'm a villain, but even I have some manners, he thought, picking up his pace, walking faster as he approached the scene in darkness. His eyes narrowed on the two people, it seemed the universe wanted to toy with him more than it already had today.
The fire deep within him heated up, burned through his veins, spiraled out of his fingertips and made its way through the air towards the man as he grabbed your hand roughly. But before it could reach him the man let go of you abruptly, searing with pain as he gripped his hand. But it wasn't enough, Dabi's barrage of blue flames engulfed the man, burning him right in front of you.
You stood there shaking, your mind still processing the scene. You looked at man, the flames, at yourself trying to understand what had just happened. Finally your eyes turned towards your somewhat hero, meeting his gaze. You gulped, tongue too heavy to speak.You tried moving forward but your knees gave out from the adrenaline and you fell onto the hard concrete.
"Hey, hey you're safe now" a voice whispered near your ear, swooping you up. Hot and calloused hands gently gripped your arms, pulling you up onto your feet “Although you seemed to have handled him” he chuckled.
Dabi was a bit unsure of this situation. If it was a dream, or if it was the universe punishing him for his crimes and past. He was awake, he figured, his skin was hot and in pain after releasing his quirk. And you felt too real in his arms, too warm, too soft, too alive. His footing softly shifted, to help you balance up on your feet more.
The ordeal seemed too much for you. In response you gripped the man's coat tightly, your knuckles turning white as you steadied your shaking feet. Heat rising to your cheeks from the proximity of being so close to someone you did not know. “Thank you” you whispered, your bangs falling across your face as you hid under them. The same calloused hands pushed them back, your face now in full view as he studied you.
Not a lot had changed, you still had the same kind face, the same shy smile, the same reddened cheeks. You turned your head to look up at him and his breath caught in his throat, the same breathtaking (e/c) eyes from all those years ago stared at him before quickly looking away.
Would it be so bad if he stayed for a while?
“I should walk you home” he blurted without thinking and you looked up at him surprised. This time he turned his gaze away as he felt heat rise to his cheeks. “You know” he coughed awkwardly “you might want some company on the way after that”.
The rest was a strange blur to him, somehow from walking you to your street, he ended up inside your apartment. He found out you were moving into your grandma’s old home who had recently passed away, after asking about the boxes lying around in your apartment. His eyes were curious as he scanned your walls as you were in the kitchen making tea. (And also escaping a social situation, not that he was surprised with your actions).
But it seemed his interest in you was growing, despite his silent screams for him to stop. Blue eyes scanned your apartment, memorizing your new life and what you had been upto. His eyes stopped at a wall, in particular, which was full of carefully framed photos.These must have been important to you if they were still up. Intrigued by them, he walked over, squinting at the pictures you had up. His forearm rested against the wall as he got closer to take a more detailed look, “Well isn’t this something”.
Rough fingers brushed over the pictures you had of him and you during your childhood. He chuckled at the flustered look the two of you had on your faces when he saw the photograph from when you gave him the flower. The first time you acted in such a bold way. His cerulean eyes darted towards the other pictures of the two of you that were carefully framed.
He felt his cold heart thaw, you still regarded him as someone important. Someone special enough to frame in your living room. Someone worth being reminded of every day.
“(Y/N)” he breathed out. Quiet enough so that you couldn’t hear him. It had been years since he said that name aloud, it felt foreign yet so familiar on his tongue. Like he ate a piece of nostalgic candy. Its taste overpowering as his senses dived into his past. Except it wasn't pleasant, it was a past filled with hurt and desperation. Pain clawed its way into his body as his gut twisted at the memories.
The sound of the kettle woke him up from his trance, meaning you would be back soon. He affirmed that it wasn’t right for him to be here, the moment itself was suffocating him. More painful than the scars on his body. And so before you could enter the room with hot tea, he was already out the window leaving you in the darkness of your apartment.
🥀🥀🥀
“Dabi?” you said loudly, holding up a tray with hot tea. In response you heard wind from a window you had not opened. Piecing the scene together you figured he had left. Setting the tea down on the coffee table, you drop to your knees, the hard surface scratching your skin as you let out a shuddering breath that you were holding this whole time.
You wanted him to stay, he was so familiar. Maybe it was because you were so shaken up, maybe it was just the tiny sliver of hope that was always in your chest that maybe, just maybe he was still alive.
It was a futile thought, but one you always played with. Sought an agonizing comfort in.
The sound of the wind hit your ears again and you got up to shut the window but something caught your eyes. You approached it, eyebrows scrunched as you bit your lip. A picture of you and Touya seemed to be slightly crooked. You brought your hands over to realign the frame but your eyes caught the smudge on the corner of the glass. A fingerprint.
“What a night" you shook your head smiling. The familiar eyes, the warmth, the care, a recently smudged picture of him and you. “I hope I see you again”.
🥀🥀🥀
There was a gnawing feeling in your chest. A feeling that gripped your heart, and twisted your gut. You felt your mouth scream, but no words came out. You felt like you were running, but you were frozen in place. Ahead of you ran a white haired boy, enraged as he ignored your silent pleas. And then the scene split, you were seeing a fire. Watching the mountain before you burn to ash. The heat reaching you, twisting your fear. But this time your larynx opened up and you screamed an awful audible scream, waking you up.
"Shit" you scrambled up your bed, the covers messily strewn on the ground. A hand to your beating heart as it rampaged. "Just a dream, it's only a dream" you reassured yourself, arms circling to hug your shaking body as your eyes leaked tears.
You were back in your childhood room in your late grandma’s house, except with furniture more fitting of your age. It had been weeks since you saw Dabi, almost sure you had imagined the similarities between him and Touya. You figured it was a way your pitiful mind tried to find comfort in the never ending grief his death caused.
As your heart and nerves calmed down, your feet padded towards the kitchen for some water. The chilly air hit your thighs as you made your way, gulping down the much needed drink.
"Fucking shit!"
You heard a bang and cursing. Your body picking up where it left off moments ago, going into haywire from all the adrenaline pumping in your blood. But as you peaked over from behind the wall, a familiar tuft of black hair and cobalt eyes could be seen in the living room. A soft laugh escaped your mouth, it's melody echoing throughout the small home.
Eyes wide and ears alert he whipped around to look in your direction. An adorable expression adorning his features, like a little boy who had just been caught stealing an extra cookie for dessert.
"Oh doll, what a coincidence who would've thought…" he began racking his brain. His usual cool composure breaking as he thought of an excuse as to why he was in your old home. At an address that "Dabi" shouldn't know about.
"A coincidence hm?" You giggled again, covering your mouth.
"I figure I should ransack a different home, wouldn't be very nice of me to do that to ya" he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets trying to act like a cool villain as he made his way towards a window. Hesitating a bit, he looked between the window and the carpet, not wanting to leave just yet "ya know…. You still owe me tea from before" he swooped around to meet your gaze.
"You try to 'rob me'" your hands float up to air quote him "and now you're asking for tea".
"Might've came to steal the tea" he stood up crossing his arms, puffing out his chest in intimidation. The act pushed the neckline of his shirt down and you caught sight of his toned chest peeking through. A blush instantly paints your cheeks a dusty pink as you run to the kitchen. Rumbling laughter from the man rang from the living room upon seeing your expression and action.
In all honesty, Dabi didn't know why he had come here. Call it a part of the series of bad decisions that was his life. But regardless he took a seat on the old couch. He had definitely missed you, your friendliness and warmth. That shy smile that always crept up your face.
You were the only one that believed in him.
That alone made his chest warm up and swell.
He longed for the comfort you brought him, and seeing you again those weeks ago was enough to drive his mind to the brink of insanity. He needed you.
And from the way you were tossing and turning and muttering in your sleep, it seemed you needed him, or Touya, too.
"You're too kind doll" he said as you set the tea cups down, taking a seat beside him.
It seemed like not a lot had changed. You were still a shy girl, and he loved every bit of teasing you. That small comment alone had you hiding behind your hair.
Although you were in a new setting and situation from the one minutes ago, your dream still clung to you. Peering over at this person, you studied the striking similarities. And your heart wrenched painfully, almost eliciting a sob from you. The state you were in didn't go unnoticed by the man before you. He figured it must've been the nightmare from earlier.
"Bad dream huh?"
"You were watching me sleep?" You countered back.
Okay maybe a little more gutsy than before his voice called out to him "such a pretty girl, how could I not?"
There it was again, the blush that heated your cheeks and you looked away muttering something. "I guess you could say it was a bad dream"
"A dream, at the end is just a dream" was he being too harsh? "Try not to let it fester in you too long" he tried again. Comforting others wasn't exactly a strong suit of his, mentally kicking himself for his lame attempt at comforting his old friend.
"Sometimes" you began, index finger tracing the cup's rim as you searched for words "it's hard if it's a dream based on a bad memory."
He hummed in response, unsure of what to say. His cobalt eyes met yours and noticed your wet lashes. Were you crying?
You everted your gaze quickly but he suddenly moved. Scooching closer to you, he placed his rough hand atop your soft one, squeezing it gently. Your eyes meeting again as the moonlight casted a shadow over his face "I should turn on the lights, I'm sorry I hadn't realized"
But it seemed he was a step ahead of you, and with a small hand movement he had lit all the candles in the room with blue fire. The flames danced as they shined in their small glory. Out of an old habit, your hands reach up, grasping his palm. Small hands glowing as they cooled the skin of his scarred ones. His sharp intake of breath reached your ears, but for once you didn't take heed and continued your work until you were satisfied. Letting his rough hand go as you settled yours back into your lap.
"Thanks again, pretty girl" he said quietly, voice dipping into a whisper. The internal facade he kept clinging to finally breaking down, it was a mistake coming here- coming back. But it was too late. He was neck deep in the ocean that was your kindness and love. A special kindness and love he only saw you give him.
Your angelic eyes studied his seafoam ones. He felt his life fade behind him somewhere, his sole focus on you. "(Y/N)" he breathed, cupping your cheek. His calloused thumb brushed against your smooth skin and you involuntarily leaned into his touch. The blue flames cast a glow to your skin as you watched the cold exterior he had built over the years melt away, leaving behind the broken boy you knew.
"Touya" you whispered back, his mouth moving on its own accord as he heard his name- real name- fall from your lips.
"I'm right here" he said before closing the gap and placing a gentle kiss on your lips. His lips ignited a warmth within you and you felt as though you were floating. Away from the grief, the pain and longing his disappearance had left behind. Replacing it with a euphoric feeling, a feeling where you had everything. Soft mismatched lips glided across yours as he deepend it, the sensation leaving you wanting more and you followed in suite of his movements. Synchronized as if you two were one.
Slowly you both pulled away, eyes opening and staring into each other. His seafoam eyes held your gaze with adoration. He missed you so much. “You’re so beautiful” he breathed, his mouth open in slight awe as he admired your features. It was true that someone beautiful on the inside was also beautiful on the outside. His thumb continued to stroke your cheek, and you brought a hand up, holding his in place.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Your lip trembled slightly, eyes watering again “I was always on your side”.
Pain laced Touya’s features as he searched for an answer through his broken mind, something to suffice for your grief. Something to explain why you deserved the agony he caused you. “I wanted to…” he began, his tongue heavy in his mouth as you waited expectantly for his answer. Peering over at him, observing the conflict rampaging his mind. “ I’ve gotten involved in some not so nice things over the years… I'd hate to see you caught up in them”.
He felt close to death many times in his life, but he was sure nothing compared to this. Watching your head hang low as you stifled your quiet sobs, shoulder shaking trying to contain yourself. “Hey, don’t cry '' he smoothed his hand over your jaw, moving it down over your neck to your shoulder where he pulled you against his chest and into his embrace. You buried your face deep into his deltoid and let out your silent cries, your tears wetting his shirt and seeping onto his skin.
An apology would never be adequate, even he knew that. His lean arms pulled you impossibly close, flush against him. Hoping his actions could make for some atonement. Perhaps seeing you fall apart in his arms was a fair punishment for continuing to intrude on your life.
“Thanks for visiting” he heard your muffled voice from under his head. You shifted in his arms, moving your head away from his shoulder to look up at him. Comfort wasn’t his strong suite but he remembered he liked the way you would stay close beside him whenever he was upset.
But he knew he couldn’t be here for long. “(Y/N), I’m sorry but I can’t stay”
Dread coiled within your gut, twisting up as you choked another sob. “What do you mean? I-I won’t tell anyone, no one will know Touya”
I know but I can’t, try to understand his sanity screamed the appropriate response at him. Ears ringing with those words but the emotional side of him stayed grounded to reality. “I have to take care of some… stuff.”
“Well what about after?” you pouted.
“If you still want me after, I’d be happy to” he sighs, running his free hand through his dark disheveled hair “I’ve done some pretty bad things angel” he chuckled darkly, looking away from you “I’m a villain for fucks sake”
“You’ve still been my hero countless times. When we were growing up and I was too shy to play with anyone else, that night in the alleyway and countless times tonight too” you argued back. Persistence evident in your voice, desperation too maybe? It reminded him of himself. Wanting to be acknowledged, listened to. You didn’t deserve this again.
Although he followed you for his own reasons, the intimate moment the two of you shared in the dim living room was not something he could just walk away from. He couldn't walk away from you again, no matter how hard Dabi was fighting Touya internally. His fingers rubbed soothing circles on your lower back, while you rested your head delicately against the scarred skin between his shoulder and chest.
With closed eyes he took a deep breath and shook his head chuckling, “If you say so angel” before lifting your body up in his arms and carrying you through the dark hallway towards your bedroom and onto your bed.
“Stay a little longer Touya, please” you reach up and grab the collar of his white shirt, gently tugging him towards you as he allowed himself to fall onto your sheets with ease.
“You’ve been quite bold tonight angel" Dark eyes looked over you. "Your face is going to be priceless in the morning. It’ll be worth sticking around for” he whispered in a villainous tone, head dipping so he breathed against your ear.
“Touya!” you squeeked, pulling the covers over your head, hiding in embarrassment as your face flashed a hazardous color of red.
“‘S the matter angel? Thought you wanted me around?” he chuckled cooly.
“Shut up, I do” your muffled voice came out from under the blanket as you snuggled against it. The man laughed at your antics. He could definitely get used to this. But first he had some things to finish up.
The reminder of it caused a heavy cloud to form over his thoughts, dampening his mood a little. The reminder of what he set out to do, his goal of bringing his father and heroes alike down. “Hey angel, for the next few days you should stay inside your home”
“Hm?”
“It’ll be dangerous… ” he thought carefully. Piecing his words, thoughts and rationality delicately. “But… " he sighed in defeat I’ll come back to you”
“Promise?” your face poked out from underneath the covers innocently. Your lip caught between your teeth as you anticipated his answer.
“I promise (Y/N)” he pulled the covers over himself, joining you in the warmth of your bed. The old memories of you would no longer drown his sanity. He could make new memories with you now, ones that would hold the broken man he was with love and adoration. Perhaps that's why his conscience suffocated him, it knew that he needed you.
The concept of a relationship wasn't something he was used to. But he was used to a relationship with you. He'd learn more along the way.
"Touyaaa stop staring!"
"Shhhh, just go to sleep angel" he whispered, kissing your temple.
#bnha dabi#dabi x reader#touya todoroki x reader#mha dabi#dabi brainrot#dabi imagines#mha touya#dabi fluff#dabi angst#bnha x reader#bnha fluff#mha x reader
316 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
wecametobealonetogether
Heavy is the Head that Wears the Tiara
meatmanuel
MEAT
importantbeardstudent-us-blog
Untitled
ronsalas86
Untitled
lost-identity97
Caught Up In A Dream