#to the point that i was on a dosage that does not exist. i was taking multiple pills. because i was the only person on that dose. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oleander-nin · 7 months

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Horrotober Day 13- Pills(Yandere 2012 Donnie x Reader)

A/N, not important: Another short one. Yay... Sorry if this one seems wonky, I tried. Any criticism is welcome, constructive or not. This is supposed to be a gender neutral reader, so if I screwed up somewhere, please tell me.

-Ollie

CW: Forced drugging, kidnapping, manipulation, dark themes, yandere themes

Words: 786

Summary: Donnie keeps you drugged and happy so his brothers are none the wiser

Donnie gasps your cheeks gently, maroon eyes staring into your own. He has the dreaded pills and water in his grasp, his voice coming out softly. “You have to take the pills, Dove. You know the rules.”

Donnie sighs as more tears run down your cheeks, your arms pushing weakly at his chest. Fighting was futile, and he needed to do this. Raph was already getting suspicious of him, pointing out how odd you were the days he lessened your dosage. Donnie couldn’t risk it, not when he was this close to keeping you here forever. His room was already set up for you, as you’d been staying there for weeks already, but his brothers still weren’t used to you. All he needed to do was figure out how to keep your mouth shut, and he was golden.

He had allowed you to try and exist on your own for a while, only giving you a small amount of the drug, or even sometimes none at all, but you were unable to act accordingly. You flinched when he came near, cried when he spoke, and broke down when Leo tried to help calm you down. He couldn’t trust you anymore, not without the drug he stole just for you. He was willing to have you loopy and practically drunk if it meant you wouldn’t run your mouth. In his mind, it was a small price to pay for your obedience.

“I’ll be good, I promise.” You sob, your voice muffled from the way he squished your cheeks in his hand. Donnie sighs, setting the pills and water down on the table beside you. He runs the now free hand through your hair, cooing softly as he waits for you to calm down. He’d wait forever if needed, but he’d prefer to get this over with. He was tired, and Leo would be coming to get him for patrol any minute. He needed you drugged, and fast.

“Don’t make me force you sunshine,” He coos, wiping a fallen tear with his thumb. He smiles softly as you sniffle. Despite the pain in his heart, it was nice to see you cry. No matter how ugly you insisted you were when the dams broke, he found it endearing. Your eyes puffed and lip set in a pout, with you clear eyes watering and shimmering as you sob. It was a beautiful sight, akin to butterfly trapped in a spiders web. He would never get tired of your tears.

You sob harder at his words, making him take in a deep breath. It was ten minutes until patrol, and the drug took at least fifteen to set in. He was running out of time. Frustrated, Donnie pries your mouth open with his thumb, dumping the first pill in. He watches you gag as your body fights it, but he holds your mouth closed until you swallow. He does the same with the next pill, watching in satisfaction as you take them both.

He hands you the water and lets you drink it, knowing what he had just done was probably hard on your throat. It had taken weeks to get you to swallow the first pill on your own, but he much preferred you figuring it out to him shoving it down your throat as if you were a cat at the vet. The pills he gave you couldn’t be crushed, so swallowing was the only way for intake. He watches you down the whole drink in satisfaction, his mind more at ease. This pill would always be worth it.

Now that you have taken your pills, he moves to put the bottle back into his locked drawers. He had nightmares of you finding them and overdosing, so he made sure to go through every precaution. You were such a delicate but impulsive thing. It was entertaining, but would cause him to gray early if he had hair.

He returns to your side, watching your head loll forward with a smile as your eyes start to glaze over. He could tell you were fighting it, but it was futile. The drugs always won. He carefully picks you up, draping your arms over his shoulders as your legs wrap instinctively around your waist. He walks you over to his room, tucking you into his bed. The pill always made you drowsy at first, which was why he started having you take it before he left. You couldn’t do much to run if you were out cold while he was gone. He steps back as you snuggle into the bed, too doped out to be worried or confused. He walks out when you finally drift off, just in time for patrol.

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lu-is-not-ok · 10 months

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Let’s talk about K Corp Hong Lu

Look. He got me. He got me bad. I can’t explain just how badly he got me. There is so much I want to dissect about him. So you know what?

This is going to be my first Identity Analysis. Fuck it we ball.

Before I get into it though, let me make myself clear: unlike E.G.O Analysis, I will not be taking Identity Analysis requests. This is because Identities inherently come with A Lot more content to analyse, and it’s not really something I’m willing to sit down and do at the whim of anyone and everyone. E.G.O Analyses already take me a while to do. I hope you guys can understand that.

With that out of the way, let’s get into it. Cue Game Theory intro or some shit.

Let’s start with the obvious, K Corp Hong Lu’s uptie story and his dialogue lines.

While his uptie story serves mostly to introduce more lore about Class 3 Excision Staff, it does provide some additional context to Hong Lu’s situation in this specific Mirror World.

To summarize, Class 3 Excision Staff are effectively K Corp branded super soldiers, whose main trait is nigh invulnerability due to extremely heavy dosage of K Corp ampules. However, this comes at a rather ironic cost - this same dosage could instantly kill them if something within their bodies changes just enough to make them no longer compatible, rendering them extremely fragile to even something as mundane as dreaming. As such, they have to be kept in complete stasis when not deployed, to ensure their state is constantly stable and so that they don’t accidentally get fucking gooped from thinking the wrong way.

Effectively, they are forced to not exist outside of their purpose, as trying to could lead to their death. They have no freedom by nature of what they are.

Besides that lore dump, we also learn some interesting things about Hong Lu in that Mirror World.

For one, it’s his family who got him into this job. Specifically, his grandmother directed him here, stating she wanted Hong Lu to see more of the City and experience new things. A rather... odd motivation for putting your grandson in a position that stays stuck in a tube in suspended animation 90% of the time.

This is something the scientist in charge of waking Hong Lu up doubts it as well, wondering if Excision staff truly is the right position if that’s what she actually wanted for Hong Lu. Hong Lu, for what it’s worth, doesn’t seem to actually care about her motivations, claiming he’s fine with his situation as long as he gets to have new experiences. Put a pin in that, I’ll try to remember to go back to this.

Another thing we learn is that Hong Lu seems to react oddly to being put into complete stasis. It’s noted that he doesn’t seem to suffer from any side-effects upon waking up from suspended animation, and that him being able to immediately talk up researchers for attention is in no way expected behavior. However the process is meant to work, it’s implied to not be as simple as pressing the pause and resume button on a person.

Likewise, it’s noted as odd that he seems refreshed upon being woken up, implying that, again, this is not how it’s supposed to work, as Class 3 Staff doesn’t seem to be able to “rest” in the traditional sense of the word.

In fact, there’s something weird about him that I myself noticed that doesn’t seem to be directly pointed out. Hong Lu notes that he feels extremely bored when not deployed, saying that relieving that boredom is his reason for constantly chatting up researchers whenever he’s woken.

The thing is... by all means, Hong Lu shouldn’t be feeling bored. Being put into suspended animation is outright stated to put one’s consciousness into stasis as well, as subconscious thoughts are one of the things that could destabilize one’s ampule compatibility. Hong Lu, by all means, should not be cognizant enough of his surroundings and time spent in stasis to be able to be aware of how unoccupied he is during that time.

While it could very well be just a figurative figure of speech he uses to carry his point across (as Hong Lu isn’t exactly the most honest person in any Mirror World), the fact that there is Something Clearly Off about how he experiences stasis means there very much could be something more to it.

There is a chance that odd trait of his could be connected to the SP restoration abilities of his alternate versions. While K Corp Hong Lu is the second Hong Lu to not have any mechanics tied to restoring SP (Kurokumo Hong Lu being the first), it’s not impossible that for him specifically, they translate into something not applicable to combat.

Could it be that whatever is able to keep most other Hong Lus’ Sanity up is what’s causing him to potentially stay semi-cognizant in stasis? It might be a stretch, but I feel like the fact that it’s something that’s partially pointed out to us means there’s something more to it.

It would certainly explain a lot of his oddities. Why he’s able to so quickly bounce back upon being woken, why he seems to actually rest when in stasis, and why he seems to be aware enough of his time spent there to feel bored. For whatever reason, his consciousness seems resistant enough to not let itself be fully put into suspended animation.

Remember how I mentioned how Class 3 Staff has no freedom because of the nature of what they are. Well, I think this applies even more for Hong Lu in this specific case. Because of something inherent to him, he can’t be put into full stasis. Whereas other Class 3 Staff are able to stay blissfully unaware of their time spent stuck in their glass coffins, Hong Lu can’t. He perceives it, whether he wants it or not. In a way, he’s even less free than those who already have no freedom.

When it comes to K Corp Hong Lu’s dialogue lines, there’s something I want to note about their delivery. It seems to me that, in general, his dialogue lines carry notably less energy than the dialogue lines of his other Identities. There are a lot more lines where his voice is lowered, or in some way faltering, compared to other Hong Lus.

While most of the actual content of his dialogue lines is hinting at info we learn through the uptie story, there is some interesting things to note.

One - Hong Lu feels like it’s been a very long time since he began his job at K Corp. Hearing about daytime makes him reminisce about how he used to drink at that time of the day, and being asked why he joined K Corp he notes how it feels like it’s been ages ago, and even seems to be slightly unsure about it in fact being his grandmother who sent him there. ...Just how long has he been working there?

Two - Hong Lu’s desperation. It’s clear Hong Lu much prefers actually doing his job to sitting in a glass tube for days on end - he expresses excitement at the idea of being deployed more often, and takes joy in being able to breathe fresh air after a long while. He’s also notably down when he realizes Dante won’t talk to him anymore. However, the one line that stood out to me the most here is his Ex-Clear victory line, where he hesitantly pleads to have just A Little Bit of free time before he has to go back into stasis.

Now, time for the Fun Part. Time to look at the Sin affinities and try to dissect what the fuck they mean on IDs.

Before we talk about what Sin affinities K Corp Hong Lu has, let’s talk about one he doesn’t have - Lust. The Sin representing actions done to indulge desires or seek personal fulfillment.

I feel like this is extremely important, as every other Hong Lu ID has some Lust affinity in one way or another, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this specific one lacks it.

As a quick recap: Kurokumo Hong Lu has Lust as his Skill 1, Tingtang Hong Lu and Liu Hong Lu both have Lust as their Skill 2, and Base Hong Lu has Lust as his Skill 3.

To briefly summarize what I think this all means for each Hong Lu without getting into full Sin affinity analysis for all of them:

Kurokumo Hong Lu’s Lust represents how his actions seem at first glance. He’s acting according to his own desires and whims, not caring to follow other people’s orders if he doesn’t want to.

Tingtang Hong Lu’s Lust presents as a slightly deeper motivation. He seeks out a dopamine rush at every opportunity he has, diving head first into gambling and murder just to satisfy his desires.

Liu Hong Lu’s Lust is similarly a deeper motivation. He likewise seeks to indulge himself, though in his case it’s him fully leaning into the comforts his rich family enables him to enjoy, like the incredibly expensive tea he seems to be obsessed with.

Base Hong Lu’s Lust is what I’d like to call his Core Sin. At their very core, Hong Lu’s actions are driven by his need to have his desires be satisfied, whether it’s his curiosity, his wish for comfort, or his need for attention. That’s the main driving force behind who he is and what he does.

As one can see, Lust is Incredibly Important to who Hong Lu is as a person in every Mirror World. So, what does this mean for K Corp Hong Lu?

It’s bad. It’s Bad? It’s really not good.

Because this means that in his current situation, K Corp Hong Lu does not care to have his needs satisfied. In fact, I don’t think he’s even in a position to be able to care about that. He’s reduced to only truly existing as a tool, a weapon for K Corp to use, and when he has no purpose to fulfill he’s put into stasis that doesn’t even seem to fully work on him.

How would he even begin to try to fulfill his desires in such a state? He’s barely able to resolve his own by-now-probably-chronic boredom, to the point he actually enjoys his job. Hong Lu, whose Mirror Identities consistently mention either not liking to do what other people tell them to do or simply finding it more tiring to do something as a job than doing the same thing off-the-clock? You’re telling me That Hong Lu is actually enjoying his job?

Can you see why this Identity has been fucking with me so much?

But oh wait, we’re not done. Oh hell no we’re not done. We actually have to analyze the Actual affinities K Corp Hong Lu has, cause hoo boy they tell a story.

The Affinity of an ID’s Skill 1 usually represents what Sin that Identity’s actions present as upon first glance. In this case, K Corp Hong Lu’s actions present as Pride, as actions done purely for their benefit while the consequences are ignored.

This, I think, fits what we know about him pretty well. He finds delight in deployment regardless of the harm he has to inflict as part of his job, simply because it provides momentary relief to his boredom. Likewise, one could interpret the action of becoming part of the Excision Staff as prideful. Hong Lu remains in his position for the sake of “new experiences” (and because Granny said so), all the while ignoring the way he suffers because of it.

The Affinity of an ID’s Skill 2 usually reflects a Sin corresponding to an Identity’s deeper motivation behind their actions. For K Corp Hong Lu, this is Gluttony, representing the motivation of hunger, whether in the form of hunger for survival or hunger for more.

In this case, I think we can firmly place K Corp Hong Lu on the Survival part of the Gluttony duality. As I laid out way earlier, Hong Lu here has no choice but to do as K Corp tells him, as otherwise he will literally die. There’s also a way we can interpret it as part of his motivation for joining K Corp in the first place. If his grandmother wanted him to work here, did he really have a choice, or would the consequences of disobeying be far worse than what he has to put up with in here?

Then, there’s Skill 3. I interpret the Affinity of an ID’s Skill 3 as the main driving force of that Identity, their Core Sin, so to speak. For K Corp Hong Lu, this is Sloth, the Sin of apathy, resignation, and inaction.

This, I think, is where K Corp Hong Lu’s deal is truly revealed. He is fully resigned to his fate as a Class 3 Staff. It no longer matters to him to do anything but follow orders without question, because what else does he have left? Staying half-asleep in a glass tube for the rest of his life? Dying? No wonder he’s finding delight in deployment, he has literally nothing else. The only reason he’s not outwardly hopeless is, well, because he’s Hong Lu. And a Hong Lu will try to smile through everything, no matter how badly it hurts.

I also think it’s important to note that there is only one other Hong Lu ID right now that shares K Corp Hong Lu’s Skill 3 Affinity - Kurokumo Hong Lu. This might seem weird, considering Kurokumo Hong Lu’s whole thing is being staunchly against being ordered around... Except this quickly falls apart when you actually look at his actions. Yes, he complains and doesn’t respect his superiors, but. He still follows orders. He’s still good at following orders. As much as he hates doing it, he has no choice but to do it. And so, he’s also just as resigned to his fate at his core as K Corp Hong Lu is.

Now, with all of that being said, there’s one more thing I want to talk about here. What does this mean for Base Hong Lu. Our Hong Lu.

While Dante’s Notes very directly point out that Mirror World versions can be nigh unrecognisable in personality to their Base counterparts, I think it’s a mistake to fully dismiss them.

I think, in one way or another, the alternate Identities of Sinners are meant to tell us something about the Sinner in question, whether by implying something that they may be hiding, or by paralleling the Sinner’s situation in a more symbolic manner.

Remember that part I said to put a pin in? How K Corp Hong Lu doesn’t care for his grandmother’s motivations for making him take this job, since he’s getting something out of it?

That. That feels extremely important to me.

While you could definitely make the argument that in general K Corp Hong Lu’s whole situation could be a symbolic parallel to how his family treats him as nothing but an object that ceases to matter once its purpose is fulfilled (which I think still applies as well by the way), I think there is something more important here.

The idea that as long as Hong Lu is being cared for by his family, as long as he benefits in some way from having to bear the pain, he will not question their motivations and goals.

In a way, we already knew that. We already knew from Base Hong Lu’s dialogue that he still views his family positively despite the abuse he very likely went through at their hands. However, I think K Corp Hong Lu’s attitude here further confirms that idea. That as long as his family shows Some form of love towards him, he won’t question how horrible they have been to him.

Because if they love him, there’s no way they’re Actually being that bad towards him, right?

...

God Canto 8 is gonna hit way too fucking hard for me and not even deep-diving into Hong Lu can prepare me for it.

#limbus company #limbus company project moon #hong lu #hong lu lcb #k corp hong lu #lcb season 2 #lcb analysis #lu speaketh #this might be my longest analysis yet?#don't know didn't count but it took me like two hours to finish #enjoy my insanity

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mymainwastoocluttered · 1 year

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Random Twst things I think about all the time

How the everliving fuck does the Coral Sea work? Underwater cities that are actually part of the open sea? Do marine animals keep away from it? Do they talk? Do they talk like the movie they were inspired on?

Talking about animals, Disney movies are not consistent on which animals can talk and which can't and I'd love to know if that somehow means something for twst, because so far animals can't talk, but animal languages is a legit subject you can learn. Does everyone just learn the language?

Still onto that, what's up with beastfolk? Were they all animals at some point? I'd say yes, because Scar is very obviously a lion, and he's said to walk with hyenas. So the question is, who fucked the lions and hyenas how the beastfolk came to be?

Leona refers to himself as human, which might've been just a translation error, but... Huh. Fairly odd when merfolk refer to themselves as merfolk constantly.

Idia mentions that fae are different from humans (by pointing out Malleus) so the memory wipe thing needed to be in a different dosage for them. But merfolk and beastfolk can have the same dosage. How close to humans are merfolk an beastfolk? How different from humans are fae?

Of course, that's all based on the idea that humans are the base for the others, which... Not really scientifically accurate, since fish came first, so it wouldn't be odd to claim that humans are descendants of merfolk.

But, then again, Jupiter and the Age of Gods existed. I'm overthinking.

Still on beastfolk, how close to their animal parts are they? Do tails wag? Does sounds happen? They growl and all, but, like... They only growl. They do have some personality traits that match the animals, but, y'know. Same goes for merfolk, though they seem more attuned to their animal side since they constantly refer to it

Are all countries kingdoms? Are there republics?

What are direbeasts? Are they actually a problem? Are there beasts roaming around the world?

What's the deal with Idia's hair? Is it actual fire strands, or just hair that's technically on fire? Does it go out if he submerges his head?

Michael Mouse

Can we please get an event where we go to Twisted Wonderland's version of Latin America? Please. Michael, José Carioca and Panchito are right there. Please.

Is there tech that doesn't use magic? I mean, MC has a phone that supposedly isn't magic, but still, how common is stuff like that. Considering that we can safely conclude that everyone has magic in universe, just not everyone has magic potential to be a wizard.

Where the fuck is Crowley getting his money other than milking Kalim's family shamelessly, and allowing Azul to be a shady bitch on campus?

Deuce's delinquent backstory, please, Michael, please, I'm begging

Where are the other teachers in NRC? You can't convince me that there's only three teachers for a supposedly full school. I refuse to believe that.

What's Ramshackle's story? MICHAEL

Also, y'know, why is Yuu there and shit

OH, if, say, Leona has a kid with a human, will the kid be human or beastperson? Will the kid be 50/50? Will the kid be a lion beastperson? Same applies to merfolk? We know fae with humans creates crocodiles half-fae... Wait, is Sebek even a half-fae? His ears aren't pointy, but... Huh.

#I'd spend days reading up on the history of Twisted Wonderland if I got isekaid there #just to understand the fuck is going on #twisted wonderland #devaneios de bellee

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dailyadventureprompts · 2 years

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Monsters Reimagined: Celestials

BE NOT AFRAID

Angels and their kin have been a common request in my inbox for some years now, but It’s taken me some time to actually write this post in no small part because I needed to come to terms with how I wanted them to work in my own world.

The problem was finding a balance in the “all angels are good, if not nice” angel, and the “gritty, singleminded zealotry” angel that’s become the default as generation after generation of creator has pushed back against an oppressive religious culture and wanted to see the icons of that religion dragged through the mud as a means of validation.

As I’ve discussed with my post on fiends, I don’t like how d&d does alignments: not just as moral absolutes, but as universal constants that leave no room for debate or faith or contradiction, as belief is systematized and taxonomized, with each good and bad deed having a corresponding outsider and designated parkingspot in the great cosmic wheel.

Here’s my pitch then: Just as demons embody mortal vices gone awry, and fey embody the natural world, celestials embody ideals, pure concepts that exist one step removed from the practical considerations of physical reality. Not only does this allow you to keep your usual “justice”, “kindness” angels on theme, but it also lets you square concepts that would seem to be contradictory without making hard and fast moral judgements about things that can be good in some cases but not in others. An angel of feasting and good cheer might disagree with an enlightened master of ascetic self discipline, especially about whether their mortal wards should really help themselves to a third round of dessert, but neither would fault the other should the decision go their way. Good is not absolute after all.

That said, there’s plenty of different types of celestials, some of whom might disagree on that non-absolutist take, but to find out about my personal taxonomy, you’re going to have to keep reading under the cut

Angels: While all celestials embody some kind of ideal, the angels are out there being the good they want to see in the multiverse. Just like devils actively work to find fault with mortals or punish them for their transgressions, angels wish to extol and foster their virtues. Including angels in your adventure will typically have them picking someone (possibly a PC, possibly a side character, maybe even a villain) and nudging them towards their better nature. Some angels may even be created when someone’s goodness outlives them, or called into being when a collection of goodness coalesces over time. Angels are not the direct subordinates of gods, as gods exist in an even further removed state of idealization, they do however have closer contact with gods, more akin to that of a higher level cleric.

Fallen angels: just as medicine can become poison depending on the dosage, virtuous behaviour can become a vice if taken to its extreme. Righteousness can become wrath, love can become obsession, selflessness can become martyrdom. Little better than demons at their worst, angels that lose the ability to compromise or see other points of view are at risk of becoming something destructive.

Archons: Embodiments of laws by which people are governed, these celestials were placed in charge of mortals during the chaotic dawn age, in an attempt to give the fledgling cultures and civilizations they cared for a scaffolding to build off off. The arcons were despotic tyrants horever, caring little for the wellbeing of their charges compared to the enforcement of the systems they personified. These draconian despots have long been banished to their own little corners of the multiverse, and adventures involving them will likely revolve around an archon trying to reobtain power, or the unearthing of cruel artifacts they used to maintain it.

Lesser Graces: What could be called “Feral Angels”, these spirits represent minor or incidental forms of benevolence removed from coherency or greater morals. The Reverence of moths towards a lamp, a child’s dream of flying free, the protective spirit of a community of feral cats. These are the celestials most likely to be encountered by players in the early stages of their adventures, stumbling upon them incidently as they explore the untouched places of the world.

Psychopomps: Though often spooky or grisly, the shepherds of the dead play an important role in seeing the souls of mortal to their final destination, whether that be in the keeping of a god or the great resting place of the underworld. A party is most likely to encounter psychopomps after someone kicks the bucket, though minor spiritguides may linger around graveyards and tombs, looking to escort lingering souls and dismiss the undead.

Indescribable: From a distance the light of the sun warms the world and nourishes growth, but on a greater scale it can scorch a land to lifeless desert and at its maximum is it nothing but thermonuclear oblivion. Such is the case with the indescribable, celestial entities that take concepts like “purity” or “sanctified” and turn it to the absurd. Ethanol is pure after all, but that’s because it kills any microbial life that it comes in contact with. Indescribables tend to exist beyond the reality of the multiverse, or else carve off very specific territories within it, and adventures involving them likely involve some holier than thou idiot who’s decided to take an ethical system and drive it into an omnicidal ditch.

#archon #angel #celestial #alignment #d&d #monsters reimagined

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misery-has-no-company-now · 5 months

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Hola :3

Ya got any angsty Gov hc’s 👁️👁️ If so may we pls have some 🫴🫴🫴

**you don’t have to**

Hola! Do I ever not have angsty Gov hcs-

(Implied/referenced physical abuse, PA and VA are not nice in this, mild references to trauma and a strong dosage of insecurities)

He's ambidextrous because he was forced to be. He was originally left handed, but thanks to the way things were back when he came into existence, he wasn't allowed to use his left hand. Virginia would tie his left hand to the table or chair so that he wouldn't try to write with it. Gov learned quickly to stop that, though his handwriting was really shaky with his right. When Gov tried to eat with his left hand during one dinner, an already angry Penn took out his anger on him and broke his hand to get him to stop. Even now that the idea has eased out of existence, Gov is scared of doing anything with his left hand in front of Penn or Virginia.

Also, though his handwriting with his right used to be shakier earlier, that has changed and the trauma of being forced to not use his left means that his hand starts shaking terribly whenever he even holds a pen in that hand. He can type just fine with both hands on a computer though, since that he mostly learned himself with a bit of help from Mass, who wasn't really so damn stupid as to stop him from using his left hand. Now, the only hint that he's not naturally right-handed is that he struggles to write his 's', 'z' and 'e' s (since these are tough for because of the angle they're written in, or at least that's the case as far as I know)

He doesn't think he's worthy of anything unless he works. He thinks food is a treat given to those who work very hard so that they can continue to do the same and that sleep is a reward he is undeserving of because it is only for those who don't have as many responsibilities as he does [guess who told him these two things]. He thinks that he can only take a break if it is justified - which means when he has overworked himself to the point of falling sick. He never rests because it stresses him out more to try and relax than to just continue working, since he always feels like he has too much pending incomplete work to not stop doing it - he doesn't actually, those lazy people at the White House just keep pawning off their work to him and he doesn't even realise it. He goes days with only coffee and water since he feels that's all he should get since those are intended to help him work better anyway.

Also - his entire existence has been connected to a use, to a purpose for which he was created. As a result, he feels worthless and useless if he thinks he isn't fulfilling his purpose - which is to work for the people. He's also really scared all the time that if he doesn't reach the high expectations everyone else places on him all the time, he's going to get replaced and thrown away. He's really insecure about this so he keeps on trying to prove himself by striving to do better and better, and falling into a pit whenever he thinks he failed (which is a lot).

He has trauma from all the wars he's been in but doesn't realise it. Nor does anyone help him either. Neither does he ask for it, because he was never taught that it was okay to ask for help. Rather, he was told the very opposite. He gets scared and flinches at sudden loud sounds, and wakes up from nightmares in a cold sweat, but thinks those are completely normal stuff.

When you're born in a fire, you think the whole world is warm. But when you're born alone, you find the fire cold. (I make little to no sense here just ignore this) Gov was born in the middle of a war, and he was left alone to his own devices for most of the time; so fighting is all he knows how to do properly, and loneliness is his closest companion. He doesn't have any friends either; with everyone either seeing him as the people of the government who keep making terrible decisions (and so blaming him for it) or just as someone to use for their own benefits (something which has worsened his trust issues a lot too). But he doesn't think he needs any either, since that's not required for his work, and he's been taught by a less than good at being a parent Penn and Virginia that he shouldn't do anything other than carry out the role he was intended for.

He's also not used to getting anything without working for it. Florida got him a gift once and had meant it as a joke but Gov got so emotional over it and kept asking Flo why he'd gotten him something since he couldn't remember what he'd done to deserve it that Florida started feeling guilty (a rare moment) and just took him to Loui's home for some good food since that's the only way he knew how to comfort him. [He gave Gov a break for exactly 2.4 days]

Speaking of emotions, Gov doesn't know anything about then. He was never allowed to feel, or express his feelings either, and so he never learned anything but anger (directed at him from others) and fear (of others). All the emotions he has learned about over time, he hides behind a mask and a trained diplomatic voice. No one, not even the people who should be able to, can tell when something is wrong with Gov - especially since they all think that he's just always stressed, and any time he shows some other emotion is just a variant of this stress. (NY, NJ, Mass, and Utah eventually realise something is wrong, but that's a long and far way ahead in the future.)

Speaking of stress, that's all Gov knows truly. Stress, coffee, work, and headaches - the four constants of Gov's life, with the added touch of being yelled at by someone for something he isn't to blame for ever so occasionally enough to be daily. That and pain. It's all he's familiar with.

---

I've got many more, but I think this is enough for now so I'll stop here. Let me know if you'd like more though, I'm always willing to answer even if I don't do so until quite a while after you send the ask (but I love receiving them so feel free to send more asks). Btw I think this is the first time in a long while that you've asked me for headcannons without there being an ongoing conversation about these blorbos of us already, so that's there😂 /j. Sorry for the rather long wait to get this answer, but I hope you like it!

#referenced physical abuse #I made Gov sad again #welcome to the table #wttt #wttt florida #wttt gov #wttt pennsylvania #wttt virginia #but only mentioned #mostly #also in mentions - NJ & NY & LA & MA & UT #thanks for your ask!

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punkeropercyjackson · 4 months

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this person is literally a fucking maniac I’m so sorry they did that shit to you??? It’s headcanons and you didn’t even mention anything remotely offensive or required whatever shit they were spitting. Fucking SUICIDE BAITING OVER WHAT?? Dios mío. (to get your mind off it if you would like, share with me your favourite punk percy headcanons)

RIGHT LIKE THAT NIGGA REALLY SHOWED ME NOOSE PICS OVER FUCKING PERCY JACKSON💀And said i was 'fetishizing' trans people as if i'm not trans myself and as if she's not a cis woman and probably straight too.Stop projecting come mierda♡

But tysm,i will and you choose a good time to ask because i've been finally continouing my punk history research!!

Always had the punk mindset as seen in canon since she's anti-authority,rebels against all corruption she sees and protects and is extremely loving towards younger minorities

But was too poor to afford the clothes and piercings and such.Didn't bother him though since he cared more about acting punk than looking it

Thalia was his first real experience with the subculture headon and that's why he admired and was lowkey jealous of her along with a bit of gender envy

Goes to protests and does charity work with Rachel

And she bought him a bunch of punk stuff(from punk bussiness ofc,otherwise what's the point)

Learned to diy so many things it's gonna be a running in my fics of her

Rrrrt girl and Mcr fan-Also not punk but loves Ice Spice and Megan Thee Stallion too ofc.Really likes Green Day too!!

The specific types of punk Percy is are afropunk(because i hc them as half afro-dominican and half black-greek),seapunk(NOT because of Poseidon but because of Sally)and either crustpunk or pastel punk depending on wether we're talking her as transfem bigender and a mix of masc and fem or her as a super femme trans woman.Not for gender roles reasons because that would be ridiculous but i think just that their lives would be significantly different so that leads to a few differences in their tastes

Persephone Amelia has comics!Starfire hair,Perseo Isadore has dreads

Straight edge

His autism definitely contributes to how he approches punkness

Their patches jacket has spikes and frills around the collar and the patches are the dominican and trans flags and a black mermaid to represent Sally,a skull and a yellow diamond to represent Nico and Hazel and he has a god handful of pins but his favorites are the Riptide one Lex made him and the cat one(Yes i'm including my Pjo self-insert in this because i couldn't help myself)

Goes on estrogen but only a light dosage and for a short time compared to full transitions and gets no surgeries.Wears makeup too and gets a tongue ring,an eyebrow piercing and forward helix on both ears

Radicalized Nico and Hazel,who are now goth punk and pastel goth punk

Exclusively buys video games and consoles secondhand because of being anti-capitalism

Killed Luke in TLO not only because of being the hero of the prophecy but also because no actual punk wouldn't unalive a fascist who's also a serial ped0phile the second they got the chance.He made sure it was extra painful too and even had Nico use his soul erasing power we saw in BOO on him

And eventually manages to kill Poseidon too-Idk about Perseo but Persephone exists in my Pjo x DC x Spiderverse crossover where she's got kryptonian heritage and i headcanon krytonians are on the same levels of gods in regards to power so that's how.Zeus is too scared of Percy afterwards to stop her from fixing the greek myths world system LMFAOOOOOO

And for a lil more Perlex because i am down horrendous,him and Lex punk4punk but Lex is pastel punk and solarpunk!!They go on punk themed dates like going to concerts in matching outfits and defacing public property together <3 Also Percy has the cocky flirt punk guy thing you usually see in male characters who are but it's a Lex exclusive

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barkablebehaviour · 15 days

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No. But really. I am so categorically down terrible. But also for the game, the amount of fun facts I could compile, would, make google doc tremble with the sheerest of fear. And probably make me cry, I’ve already got all their D.O.B. All the dates and occurrences, done some guessing games. Did math for this stupid ass COD game, which is high praise because getting me to do math is like telling me to date a man. Which, y’know, is never gonna happen. Not to mention. The split-Bell au, duel-Bell au? Never figured out what we were gonna call that, can truly show the depth of the games options. Blake Miller — Aka Wolf — (fem!bell), is the lethal untameable of the coin who would send the team into its demise of it weren’t for Belvedere Grasso — Aka Bell — (mal!bell) who interjects after the subsequent interrogation after Blake fibs about the Duga-2 Array being the nuclear armaments host location. But what I think is interesting is that Bell no matter the options isn’t thinking completely coherently. I mean, literally. Imagine you’ve just been given a healthy dosage of a unknown and likely hallucinogenic or memory reactive drug, right through the cerebral no doubt. Y’know, casually, ADMINISTERED THROUGH THE EYE. That’s painful, and incredibly dread inducing. Followed by the occurrence of one of the most gut-turning memory sequences, and outwardly we hear that Bell undergoes seizures(multiple depending on the route what V/O you’re given), a quickened pulse and likely more unspoken of. But it’s all dependant on the path taken, you seem to have a much easier job if you listen to Adler. However, if you don’t. You go through a literal psychological horror, you go back to the point where it started. You go back to where your identity was stripped from its very core.

Which again is why I like two Bells, even if it’s complicated to establish. Especially when they’re half-siblings. You see: Blake, doesn’t listen. She doesn’t trust Adler, she disdains his existence. Every breath of smoke he extinguishes from his charred lungs. He projected on her gave her scars to remember. Belvedere does trust him, for god sakes he loves him of course his voice is a soothing guidance amongst a sea of otherworldly horrors. Put perhaps that trust is near religious in nature.

In other words, me and @ssmoki are terrible! This game has consumed my mind since 2020 when I played the game when I was sick and didn’t understand what the fuck was going on! But I may also write a whole fanfic for this AU. Which’ll be like making a Trojan horse by myself because, wow, that’s a lot of character deets! But all I gotta do is remember the painfully agonising slowburn I have for two special dumbasses. Well, one certainly isn’t a dumbass but Blake sure is. And ofc whatever the blazing glory star that is Bell/Adler. We love our intoxicatingly loving, near insane levels of Florence Nightingale syndrome lovelies! Anyways! Heres a fun fact — Adler was born in 1937 on February. During Fracture Jaw (January 26th, 1968), that would make him 30 as it takes place in January. I think, again I don’t do math. Also another one; I chose the name Blake for fem!bell (Her real name is actually Yelena Ivana Krasnova, which is a mouthful) when I was going by Wyatt. So now when I say Blake I get confused on whether it’s me or my own damn self-insert at this point. Which now that I think about it is really driving the ‘self-insert’ aspect. But hey, all OCs for media are conventionally self inserts! Let’s be honest..

Also I don’t use tumblr often so like.. Catch me anywhere else, how ‘bout that. And I am also, terrible with social interaction. Hey guys, how are you! /h /gen

#cod bocw #bocw #black ops cold war #im going feral #really long way of saying I adore this game!#Anyways fanfic mayhaps if I learn what taking things in healthy dosages is..#Also like #helen park #call me a simp but she has no right being the way she is #And I realise I can go on a whole other meandering-spiel about psychoanalysing all of these characters for what they are like wow

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aftonfamilyvalues · 4 months

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You're such a a goober. Trans women can't be bigoted towards cis women due to the immense difference in population&their non existent political power. nothing a trans women does, takes anything away from cis women. But cis women have all the power to oppress and take away from trans women. Also they're both women. Cis women are more likely to be assholes to other cis women. A cis woman, is more likely, to be abused, by another cis woman. Like, by a landslide. So no, if I was white(I'm indigenous) and I disagreed with a person from an oppressed group, I would not be bigoted towards them, because I have all the power and privilege to destroy their lives and I'm not a heartless insecure monster afraid of a made up boogyman. On the other hand, as an indigenous person, I DOOOOO speak up against the majority white population and I DOOOO tell them to go back to Europe. You see the difference there? Also it's a meme. A joke. A representation. Do you look like a wojack irl? Does anyone? You get roasted once and now you call for the genocide of trans women? Boo fucking hoo. You work tirelessly to take away trans women's ability to live and live safely. Trans women roasting you just hurts your little sensitive insecure feelings. There's a huge difference there. Also for that one wojack meme used against you, there 50000 more made to make fun of how trans women look. Grow up and stop being so sensitive. Trans women are not hurting you just bc they called you ugly. You still have access to all the privileges that they don't have access to. Specifically bc you are an insecure child who can't recognize that others suffer more than you.

transwomen are male and therefore retain male privilege and oppress female people on the basis of sex. them perpetuating misogyny is exactly the same as any other male person doing it. they still live in a world tailored to their bodies (invisible women is a great book that goes into all those details, from the way cars are made to the dosage ls and research of medicine) and no amount of estrogen or surgery changes that. its not an equivalent to your scenario.

anyway ive never called for any "trans genocide" youre just writing anonymous essays and making insane assumptions in some womans inbox because she pointed out transwomen cheering on misogyny and perpetuating misogynistic beauty standards. op of that tweet deleted the meme and apologized for being misogynistic by the way, you should totally go blow up their twitter dms because apparently realizing that meme was misogynistic is super offensive.

#ask

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gatoplanet · 2 years

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Prompt! We know Klaus died *56* times before S3 and we also know we were deprived of seeing *any* of them with Ben there. Pre-series Klaus and Ben with one of the times Klaus died?

"It's the house by the docks," Ben tells Klaus, before he even asks. "There's a few other people upstairs. They're asleep."

Klaus isn't moving any of his limbs yet, but his eyes track Ben's hand from under his blanket when he waves at him.

"You blacked out," Ben says, in the most noncommittal voice he has.

Klaus blacking out in the traditional sense stopped being noteworthy before Ben even died. There's nothing better to call these nights, though. When Klaus goes too fast too soon, throws himself at the world like he's jumping off a cliff, luxuriates in whatever damage he's decided to do to his precious one and only brain, and Ben is just-

Ben isn't.

It scared Ben the first few times. He can always feel Klaus, or at least the existence of Klaus. Time marching ever-forward for Ben's last remaining link to corporality. Ben can slide in and out of frame, he can go have his own scenes, but Klaus's movie is playing, with or without him.

Whatever this new kind of blackout is, it stops the tape.

The rest of the world keeps going, though. Ben blinks, and things are in new places, he's standing in the same room full of different people. This empty basement had been a party, a minute ago. Klaus had been doing something upstairs that Ben is trying really, really hard not to think about, because Klaus had never done it before, at least not the way he did it tonight, and he hadn't even checked his dosage first, he'd-

Someone put this blanket over Klaus at some point, which was nice of them. There were a lot of nice people here. They tucked it in around him, whoever they were, and put a pillow under his head. Mostly cleaned his face up from when he'd gotten sick.

Ben lies down next to Klaus, and Klaus smiles at him. He looks fine, more or less. Leftover clammy sweat, liner smudged out into the bags under his eyes, but the color that had left his cheeks is back again. Maybe that's how it always works when you inject things, and you have to, like, power it out of your system. Ben can't exactly ask anyone, and now Klaus has done it once, so he's gonna think he's an expert.

"Do you feel okay?" Ben asks him.

Klaus wiggles his shoulders. "I'm," he starts, and then he makes a face. Props himself up enough to spit onto the concrete floor, then lies back down in his little cocoon.

"Lovely," Ben says. There's red in the spit, which Ben doesn't mention.

Klaus sniffs, wrinkles his nose. "M'fine, Benny."

"Good."

For all that he does look a hell of a lot better than the last time Ben checked on him, he's clearly not moving any time soon. So Ben - he doesn't get comfortable, because he's never comfortable, and he's also never not comfortable. He folds his arm under his head, for whatever that's worth.

"I like these guys," Ben says. "The one with the attic room is nice."

Klaus grins. Says, in a voice that sounds the way dehydrated fruit looks, "You just think he's cute."

"Cute people aren't always nice. You, for example."

"Aww, I'm cute?"

"People don't invite you to parties for your social graces."

That gets a whole giggle. Whoever put the blanket on Klaus had it all the way up over his head to keep the light of the room out while he slept everything off, and he's peeking from underneath at Ben the way he used to when they were little, playing as quietly as they could after Grace said good night. Klaus sucked at it, he always laughed too much and got them all caught.

"You should get some more sleep, Klaus," Ben tells him. "They brought you down here so you could."

"Mm," Klaus says. "You gonna hang around?"

There's a whole bookshelf over on the other side of the room, and if Klaus is coming down, Ben should be able to sneak some reading in before tomorrow, the next invitation, the next party. "Yeah, I'll be lookout."

#kat fic #drug use //#klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #my boys. my little shitty baby birds

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strangestcase · 2 years

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Thinking about J&H today, I have many interpretations, I give weight to every one of them, yet I always mainly focus on how Jekyll personified Hyde within himself, almost as if he was an imposter, something concious and individual, the book almost paints Hyde as separate, different, beginning as one with Jekyll yet soon splitting into two, but, something that bothers me is that-

Technically Edward hyde never truly existed as his own being, it was just a name, a cover so jekyll felt less guilty about letting his emotions out, being allowed to tarnish his reputation and sin as much as possible and to escape scot free by being able to say that he had lost control, something to try and retrieve the last ounce of honour he had left within him by pretending that some internal fiend suddenly took control and forced him to be evil, when in reality, it is all a choice, it always has been a choice, a choice he took everytime, that is why their handwriting is the same, that is why when jekyll is allegedly gone and dead, Hyde does not destroy the letter, that is why Hyde killed himself, that is why Hyde's last moments are spent weeping in guilt of what he had done and desire to live more, it was all lies. Hyde was never in control, Hyde never even existed, it was all Henry jekyll's cover-up so that he could be forgiven for what he did, for we all enjoy blaming others for things we did to ourselves. The only thing Jekyll lost control of in the end was the dosage and the contents of his own scientific concoction.

This raises one last question though. When Jekyll allegedly began waking up as Hyde, was he truly waking up in his scientific vessel, or was he waking up with the knowledge of what he had done, changing him as a man and filling him with the desire to do more? One thing is for certain..

Hyde may have never been real but he ended up being more real than Henry Jekyll ever was.

sooo very true bestie I love this analysis and interpretation very on point (I grossly slurp it up like spaghettis)!!!! I agree

i do have my own theory (-ish) for why he was transforming in his sleep- to me, it's a symptom. it shows that the deeper he delves in this "experiment", the more he loses himself. by the end of the book, there are no identities to talk about, just a blurry "I". and why during his sleep? well, Hyde to me represents the subconscious, and the story was both inspired by Stevenson reading about the subconscious but also by a dream he had- for me, dreams connect with what Hyde really "is", in a sense: a part of a man, a single side to him he's using as a tool, or an excuse, isolated and forged into a persona as carefully fabricated as Jekyll is. it's just a natural connection for a very unnatural being.

#doc talks #long post #dr jekyll and mr hyde #jekyll and hyde #the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde #jh #gothic fiction #gothic literature

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wizard-of-interesting-failure · 1 year

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Common Fruit and Vegetable Reagents: A PSA

There have been a number of pranks involving misleading information about various species of wizard crop and their usage in acts of magic recently. As such, I am compiling a PSA on some common organic reagents and effects you may wish to watch out for prior to using them...or anything similar-looking. As always, PLEASE test your components before using them for anything serious.

Static Strawberries: These are not Stasis Strawberries. Stasis Strawberries are a rare, useful variety with multiple applications in time magic. Static Strawberries add "also, give the caster a mild electric shock" to your working. No documented example of any other effect exists. Do not bother trying.

Tumbling Tubers: Similarly to above, these add "also, the caster trips over" if used in casting, brewing, or any other form of practice. What's particularly disconcerting about this is that if brewed into a potion, the effect occurs when someone drinks it.

Origin Oranges: As a component, these are useful for the idea of "putting something back where it came from". The problem occurs with the fact that this is a complicated, nebulous concept and the orange can be "primed" to interpret it a certain way before being passed on. This can lead to e.g. your lovely new orb decomposing itself back into sand and returning to the desert it came from.

Kalashnikov Corn-on-the-Cob: This one mostly surprises wizards who haven't been keeping up with modern mundane weaponry. There are plenty of outlandish claims as to what this reagent does; what you will find if you actually use it is that it somehow integrates one or more assault rifles into the spell's output. This is fine if you've planned around it, but, well. If everyone planned around it, I wouldn't be writing this list, now would I?

Melting Melon: Sold as a generic fire-element reagent, you can probably guess what this actually does. It just causes random shit to melt. This will probably include several other spell components, foci, and/or your nice new robes. Strangely enough there's no heat involved, and the affected objects never solidify again.

Partial Parsley: This is generally sold as either a way to moderate a spell's output, or as an ingredient in affinity spells such as Tame Beast (making the subject "partial" to the caster, supposedly). What it generally does instead is delete a random portion of the spell it was being used in. I shouldn't have to tell you why this is not a good thing.

Captivating Cabbage: This is at least mostly harmless; if you try to actually use it for anything, you'll snap out of a trance a few minutes later and realize you were staring at it that whole time.

Lemurian Lemons: The name and coloration evoke some esoteric alchemical usage; in reality, they just add "summon lemures" to whatever you use them for. This generally ranges from catastrophic to hilarious.

Celerity Celery: Commonly used as an auxiliary reagent to shorten casting times, or a primary component in haste spells and adjacent potions and invocations. While this one IS useful, you also have to be very careful about exactly what you're speeding up. Even a slight error in dosage leads to parts of your working running faster than other parts. The best possible result at that point is that the whole thing fails completely.

Summoning Salt: The standard variety you'll see used in summoning circles the world over. Why is it on this list, then? Well, some people will recommend you use it with Celerity Celery to speed up summoning times. DO NOT USE THIS WITH CELERITY CELERY. Unless you want to invite a pack of Speed Demons into your dimension (PROTIP: You do not)

Devil's Lettuce: Whatever the seller claims this does, they are lying. Yes, even if they claim it does that.

#wizard #wizardposting #wizard posting

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love-and-ejoy · 2 years

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possibly the best customer i’ve had so far?

Today a very very nice customer came in to ask about a whole list of medications (well, maybe 5 or 6, but enough that it was hard to keep track of all of them at once). Not only was she very patient as I individually ran each script and let her know whatever would happen with them (which was a lovely mix of will fill, no refills, prior auth, and finding her a coupon card), she even had a written list of medications with 1 copy for her and 1 for me that listed the brand AND generic names of her meds as well as the dosages she was on.

Now before I say anything else, no this is not me saying You Need To Do This or I Can’t Believe People Don’t Do This. This lady went above and beyond to manage her meds as well as keep us aware of what was current for her, and it’s far from the norm (shoutout to all the “it’s the small white tablet” people, we love you but all you take are small white pills).

However, if you have a lot of medications or just want to make a pharmacist’s/tech’s life easier and potentially get checked out quicker, this is a very helpful thing to give us!

Let me point out some of the reasons why her list was so very helpful:

In our systems, your medications show up under generic name only, and to find the brand name, we have to open the script image, switch tabs under your prescription’s data entry, and find which brand name we ran it under. This is why when you ask “Is my Seroquel ready?”, for example, we pause. We’re opening your script, reading through the data input, and finding that it is your quetiapine not your sertraline (Zoloft) that is called Seroquel. Giving us a generic name (even if you absolutely butcher it!! Even we sometimes can’t pronounce the generic names easily!) or a written version of the generic name helps us find immediately what you’re looking for.

Seeing crossed out past dosages helps us find what’s current and what’s in the past. For example, if I see a script for Fluoxetine 10mg and one for 20mg but the 10mg is crossed out, I know which you want filled and can move the unneeded dosage to “hold” so it is no longer filled unless you request it. (This would only be done after verifying with you-- After all, if a 30mg pill doesn’t exist and your doctor wants you to receive 30mg, a prescription for 10mg and another for 20mg could be used. We’re well aware and we do not delete or even put scripts on hold without confirming with you or your doctor.)

She even noted for 1 medication that her prescriber would be different-- which was super helpful when we could have sent the prior auth to her normal prescriber, which could have delayed the process and kept her from getting the medication tonight, which she did thanks to a very responsive prescriber and a lack of miscommunication!

Having another copy for herself meant that when one of us realized we accidentally threw away her list in HIPAA trash (since we were done filling her meds), we didn’t absolutely have to empty the HIPAA trash on the floor and dig it out. Although, in this case, it was right on top so we pulled it out and included it with her prescriptions. Don’t worry! We will never dig something out of the regular trash and give it to you. HIPAA trash is only for documents and we have a separate one for bottles with patient information to protect your privacy, so everything was perfectly sanitary.

I hope y’all can see that I am 100% not saying anyone in pharmacy expects, demands, or even wishes that you had such a detailed list. However, have you the time, energy, and organization, it certainly does help. Even a basic list of your meds, if it is a large order, can help us help you :) And if you’re not sure of something or just aren’t able to create a list, that’s totally fine! We don’t mind and we’re happy to help.

#pharmacy #pharmacy tech #retail pharmacy #work story #pharmacy story #pharmacy tech story #pharmacy tips #pharmacy technician #good customer #we don't shame customers here #unless they're rude #even a patient just keeping up to speed on what sounds right is super helpful #for example #if you ask Oh are you sure it's the 0.5mg? I thought I was supposed to be getting the 1mg this time?#we will be alerted to search both in our new orders our fax and your profile to see if we've received it or what went wrong #this is helpful in preventing errors that we can't anticipate #such as dosage alterations instructions changes etc

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fanvoidkeith · 7 months

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Bruh I'm gonna be real, what you're describing is dysphoria 101 and your problems can be fixed from T.

Look, before I slurped up my first dose I was sitting in my gaming chair staring at the box of Testogel, hands sweating, wondering for a few seconds if this was the right choice and now I can't imagine going around without this shit.

The thing is the hormones change you and the way you perceive your body. I think there's a lot of stress around deciding whether you're a binary trans person or not, and before starting T ideas like getting a hysterectomy or phallo seemed unimaginable to me so for a while I felt like maybe I hadn't fully decided that I was a trans guy. Except then you start taking the hormones and it takes a painfully long time but at some point you realise that shit, you feel so much better existing in this new form. Now I do want those surgeries, which is a big opinion change in a short period of time.

I have a really bad anxiety disorder as well, and while sure it's acted up a lot for this, the feeling of being alive or some shit? Happy in my material form far outweighs all the other shit.

Note on the no junk - there are surgeons that do these procedures. It's called Genital nullification and is a developing surgery for nb people. So, this is an option.

Look, does anyone really know that transitioning will make them happier before they start? Not really. There's no harm in trying, it's a slow acting medication, if you go on it there will likely be no visible change until the 3 month mark at which point your voice starts to drop, everything that happens before this is completely reversible. So if you have the money and the inclination I'd say fuck it, try, worst case you'll drop it in the first few months, everything will go back to what it was like before, and you'll know the answer.

thank you for the advice (on my gender dysphoria)! a lot of what i dislike about myself is my body- my boobs, my voice, my period. i'm happy with my (gender) presentation otherwise, but most of the things that make me unhappy with myself are feeling un-masculine physically. (other than the mental illnesses, which are a separate issue that i'm trying to get help with.)

a lot of people in the comments of my original "should i go on t because i feel sad about my body and don't like that i have a feminine body" post pointed out that testosterone takes months to work, and that i can lower doses/start with a lower dosage of t. y'all are very smart, because i didn't think about that, lol.

i don't personally think i can afford any surgeries, but i'll look into the little-to-no junk surgery when i can afford it (probably a while from now).

i'm grateful for all the supportive comments and replies, and while personally i'm still working out some stuff, it makes me feel less scared to have other people be like, "hey, this thing helped me a lot, even though i was scared at first".

i didn't think anyone would see the original post at all, and have been very surprised at the amount of people interacting with it. maybe that's because a lot of my friends and family and people i know are cisgender, or if they aren't, they don't want to/don't feel a need to transition. so there's not a lot of people i can ask for advice who are 1) under the trans umbrella, 2) are in a group of people i regularly interact with so it's not weird to ask them personal questions about stuff like transitioning, including my irl friends and people on tumblr, and 3) are in the process of transitioning or have transitioned.

so again, thank you, and thank you to everyone who's said something on my posts or sent me an ask, whether it be "i feel you," "i feel similarly to this, but like with estrogen," or advice from your own transition. you all are wonderful.

#void keith talks #trans stuff #lgbtq stuff #lgbtq+ stuff #void keith's mailbox #tumblr asks #trans advice stuff

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theoldhempfarmer · 11 months

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"We're looking Tennessee but we're feeling California"

Dateline 5-31-23

Once again its a beautiful, Sunny morning here in Middle Tennessee and we’ve had streak of weather that you wish would last all year long, but this weekend will be toasty enough to let you know the heat of Summer will soon make an appearance. And for the record, The Old Hemp Farmer has returned to the status quo and is enjoying an extremely good cup of organic Indonesian coffee and enjoying a half of a bar of Siriana Costa Rican Cacao laced with Tennessee homegrown extract. This morning’s blurb has to do with events of the previous day when Minnesota Governor Tim Walz signed the latest Recreational Marijuana bill into law. I’m not really sure how many people in general noticed or payed attention, heck I don’t know how many Cannabis professionals did. This makes Minnesota the 23rd state to end Cannabis Prohibition. And the Gopher State is bringing in their Marijuana law in at Water Ski speed, legal possession and Homegrown go into effect August 1st, 2023 with Commercial Cannabis sales beginning within a year. One thing that The Old Hemp Farmer will be watching with baited breath will be to see what the “rules of the road” will end up being and how smoothly the rollout will be. The implementation of the Minnesota Cannabis program should be fairly smooth, after all they’re not the first or second Recreational Programs, they are the 23rd! So the Minnesota Cannabis rollout should be as smooth as butter, after years of Recreational Marijuana in America, but weird things happen in Cannabis.

Speaking of Cannabis rollouts, on July 1st 2023, Tennessee’s nascent Hemp Derived Cannabis Recreational law has it’s not so soft launch. Where as Minnesota will take a year or so to bring their state’s Commercial Cannabis sales online, Tennessee is bringing their program in burning. Tennessee will go from zero people participating in a state run Hemp Derived Cannabis program, to 2,000+ individuals and companies, in a single day. You go to bed on June 30th an independent business and wake up July 1st as a part of a grand Cannabis experiment. Since our baby Hemp Derived Cannabis Recreational law was birthed, yours truly has spoken to a plethora of Cannabis professionals and first all, most folks believe that the Cannabis industry in Tennessee needed some guard rails and in the long run, HB0403 will be a good thing, not only in our state but nationally, as well. But in the near future, the Cannabis pros I know are as nervous as a seventeen year old on a first date. We’re not sure of how to dress or what to say, we’re kind of waiting on the Tennessee Department of Agriculture and the Depart of Revenue to make the first move and then act accordingly. At this point, we (Cannabis Professionals) are waiting to see when the TDA and DOR will start making inspections and trying to collect the Excise Tax. Also when the TDA start inspecting producers and retailers, what products have to have what standards? The Old Hemp Farmer has yet to find anyone that knows how the standards for THCa and concentrates will be enforced. Are the testing results in relation to THCa flower pre-carboxylation or post “decarbed”? Also how does Tennessee’s Hemp Derived Cannabis law interpreted in regards to D8 THC Vape cartridges? Most all D8 THC vape carts are 90% plus THC and are nowhere near what HB0403 says is legal. THCa flower and D8 THC vape cartridges are a large part of the Tennessee Cannabis industry and that loss of those sales would effect the bottom line of many companies. The loss of those revenue streams, would mean some Cannabis companies’ very existence would be in question. Meanwhile HB0403 doesn’t effect Edible Cannabis companies, nearly as much, don’t get me wrong, there are some hurdles such as child proof packaging and changing some dosages but Tennessee homegrown’s D8 THC Edibles can roll with these regulations pretty easily. So even though our Cannabis Company is looking Tennessee, we’re feeling Minnesota. Anyway as always, Hemp Dawgs and Hemp Puppies keep one eye on the weather and the other eye on the market.

Visit our Tennessee Homegrown web site to try our great products: https://www.tnhomegrown.com

Our Podcast - Full Contact Cannabis: https://fullcontactcannabis.podbean.com

The Wife's web site: https://www.theoldhempfarmerswife.com

#theoldhempfarmer#tennesseehomegrown#fullcontactcannabis#cannabisindustry#cannabis#theoldhempfarmerswife

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oasislake76 · 1 year

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“Why are you like this?”

maybe it’s because I’ve been medicated with every verity of medication to help with my ADHD since I was in elementary school. switching between new pills every week with new side effects on top of old ones and upping the dosage every couple of months till each pill was around 75mg. Which is the highest dosage the doctors prescribed to me in fifth grade and I had to take that pill everyday before going to Middle School on an empty stomach because I literally couldn’t eat in the morning. no matter how hard I’ve tried. gaining such a strong gag reflex to the pill coating that worsened when my mom forced me to go to a naturopath and start taking vitamins on top of the pills. How I fought with her every damn day about taking the damn medication because I would go hours without food because my throat felt so restricted and I felt so nauseas at just the thought of food.

maybe it’s because I’ve cold cut myself from those pills and vitamins during the end of my Junior year of high school and it backlashed at me since I’ve been taking them constantly for over ten years of my life. how a majority of those pills during my childhood had fucking methamphetamine in them. And of course everyone thought it was a bad idea but they still went through with it, after all I was only around 4 or 5 years old when I first started so I had no say in anything about the choices of my body. my body and brain is so ridiculously stunted that everyone in my entire family was openly surprised with how I graduated High school. If Covid didn't happen my Senior year of High school and shut everything down a week before my birthday, I most likely would have had to repeat the year.

I am about to be 21 years old tomorrow, on the 18th of March, and I’m so scared to an unfathomable point that I have been crying at night. Every night since March 1st. because I don’t know if I could ever get truly come to terms with the unreversible damage that has happened to my body. Crying over the damage that I have done to myself unwillingly through my actions and vicious nature as a child and a teen because of the effects I could not control no matter how hard I’ve tried.

I have just recently, and I mean I just started to get the courage in September of 2022, started on the very long winding journey of trying to figure out who the hell I am. Because who ever the fuck that was on those pills was not and will never ever be me in a million years. It’s soul shattering to be screamed at by people who’ve been the one’s in charge of my choices as a child, despite dealing with every side affect that has reared it’s ugly head for years. I love my parents, to the bottom of my very existence of a being, but I’m going to make them listen to me. I’m going to force them to see the mistakes in their choices no matter how much good intentions they had while making them.

because it still fucked me up. it has caused so much damage that the social protection that comes attached to good choices and intentions no longer covers it. I will sink my words like teeth into their ears because I refuse to be the only one who has to deal with all the aftermath.

never forget the fact that ADHD medication does not work for everyone. no matter how “bad” or “much” you have it. properly talk with all the Doctors and make them listen to you so you don’t end up like me.

#adhd problems #adhd #cw vent #cw anger

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